Mercurius Venereus, WHEREIN He Relates what happened to Him in his several SHAPES and TRANSMIGRATIONS. AND Communicates Intelligence From all Places, except the HEAD QVARTERS.  
By Borealis de la Garde.  
Printed in the Year 1649.   

Mercurius Venereus: Wherein he Relates what happened to him in His several Shapes and Transmigrations.  
THough the name of Mercury hath been lately so defiled, that scarce a scurrilous sheet hath appeared, but it hath assumed his Name; yet since they have injured him only in his Office, of politic capacity, it is the more pardonable. Reader, the Mercury you have so much heard of, I am, who do now appear abroad, to show thee, that I have a natural, or physical capacity too, though it be but a modern one, wherein I am as serviceable to Venus, as I was heretofore to Jupiter.  
It is not yet full an hundred years since Mercury made Vulcan a Cuckold, and had first to do with Venus, ever since which time I am known by the pleasing appellation of sweet Mercury: Since Paracelsus made me one of his Trinity, constituting me the third principle, or creator of all things, I have been sufficiently debased by his Successors; for whereas heretofore I played the thief for mine own use, now the chemists send me to the bottom of your pockets to pick the money out for their worships; and though they give you nothing in exchange, yet they call it transmutation: and if they would stop here, they were as reasonable as other physicians; but they send me of an errant into the bowels, and bodies of both sexes, where I should, though an unpleasing guest, so journey all my life, if I did not sometimes make an eruption, or get out at another door, like that poor Queen, who sunk down at Cheering Cross, and rose up at queen-hive: by this means I come to know the secrets of persons, of all conditions and qualities, which for the public good I do intend to declare in this ensuing Discourse.  
First, then, that I may not be thought a Leveller, I will begin with the Lords in Parliament assembled: Into one of whom I got admittance (it seems the privilege of peers protects them only from Law, but not from physic) here I expected to have been at the inventing of some rare Plot, agreeable to my active nature; for it was just as the Scots Army had entered upon English ground; and to that end, thought to have mounted up into this great persons head, but I found that so filled with lead before, that there was no room for poor Mercury; nay, I could not make him sensible of the dangerous courses he run, so that I found nothing more certain than that, Ex quovis ligno non fit Mercurius. We should stay sometimes three hours together in expectation of what the juncta of Ladies had contrived, which we swallowed without bones; whence I learned, that as the Commons are servants to the people, so the Lords are to the Ladies: but this course of life was so contrary to my Genius, to sit still three or four hours and do nothing, that I took the opportunity of his yawning, (for he never spoke,) to steal out of his mouth and be gone; though since I hear I might have stayed, for that they are now to sit no more.  
When thus I had obtained my liberty, I found the Army was marching out of Wales, to fight the Scots; then would I rather than my life have turned soldier, to have revenged the many injuries, affronts, and confinements put upon me by Quacks of that Nation, who are more, I dare say, then of all the world beside; but I perceived it was a harder matter to get into the Army, then into the house of Peers: in sum, it was impossible to obtain entrance, whether it were that they would not spend so lightly, or that they have all handsome wives, (as most other Preachers have) I know not, but now it will be much more difficult to gain admission, for as much as I understand they have cast off their Doctor of physic: well fare the Cavalier soldiers yet, though they are better born, yet they are not so hard of access; a Gentleman, as the Play hath it, is known by his gentlemanlike conditions: this I am sure (my friends of the Army) they would never have suffered themselves to have been twice conquered by such Sectaries as you are, if they had been tam Marte, quam Mercurio.  
Being disappointed here, I thought to make my address to the juncta-ladyes, that I might comprehend (though amongst the Lords I could not, by what deep and grave counsels, this last summer's war was managed; but I failed of my attempt there too) for they were so stricken in years (as wisdom you know, is the daughter of grey hairs) and had been so accustomed to Mercury's service, that they were grown (like Mithridates) proof against me, and knew by experience that I was but like Herb John to them, and could do no further good to their faces, or harm to their bones: all that I learned here, was, that most of the beauties turn wits afterward, as naturally as a Caterpillar becomes a butterfly; and last of all arrive to be Statists.  
Finding myself like thus to remain in Cuerpo, I resolved to do as Gallants do, who when (in a long vacation, or plague time) they find themselves destitute of the amours of gallant Ladies (which, you will say, is a hard case in these days) are fain to betake themselves to Bloomesbury; so I, rather than I would want a place to hide my head in, rendered myself at discretion to my old enemy the chemist, who when he had ex●●ined and tortured me, sent me prisoner into the body of a fat Lawyer, who had not long before married a Lady's daughter, by which match he became so much a Gentleman, that he was made fit for my Company; at my first entrance into his head, I found all in disorder, nothing but crabbed entails and cases, but I mended the conveyances in his brain, and opened more obstructions than are in the sale of Bishops Lands: at last, his little Law, and less equity, by the help of the nimbleness I lent his tongue, brought Jndy's home, for I put mettle into him, and he played they philosophers stone, and turned all that mettle into Gold; had not he than a good wife, that could heighten his eloquence thus, and by her practice mend his? One day my Lawyer went to plead at the Committee of indemnity, and as he was opening a Petition, I crept up into one of his eyes, to peep out, and look about me, to see if I could spy any of my acquaintance, and who should I first blurt upon, but a worthy Member of that Committee, whose inward friend I had long been; when he saw me, he was so angry, that I should come to affront and upbraid him there, that he silenced my counsellor, and would never hear Petition opened since. Notwithstanding, my Patron was not long after made Sergeant, and as he was trimming himself in the glass, I could not abstain from looking abroad again, to behold by reflection his reverend aspect, when finding his beard shaved, and a coif on his head, I conceived myself to be a guest to one of these ancient procuring Matrons, in whose corpse I had been so often tormented; and without farther study, broke out at his nostrils in a sneeze, and carried away half his brains with me; but the remaining half will be sufficient for him now, since he is to have double fees.  
When I was got out here, I bethought what could happen to me worse, and could guess nothing, except I should be sent (as the Devils were) into swine. Well, employment grew scarce, and Mercury cannot be idle: I was resolved to try my fortune anew, and bound myself apprentice to an Apothecary, who presently sold me to one of your renewers of nature, or menders of ladies' faces, who was a french man, newly come over to recruit, and lengthen out English beauties; My new Master clapped me into a pot, with some other ingredients, and sent me to a Country Lady, new come to town, to take off her husband's Sequestration, from whom she had received two things in commission: First, to strive to look fair when she went to the Lords, and then to take care, she fell not acquainted with the wits; and being by a great Lady addressed to my Master, and being supplied in the first point, by spreading me as thick as bread and butter on her face, she goes one morning to Westminster, to the lobby by the Lord's house, but it not being much past eleven, which is too early an hour for their Lordships, she inquired the way to the Commons House, at whose door she waited, till a spruce handsome Gentleman, powdered, perfumed, and set round with ribbons of several colours, came out, to whom she makes her application, and cries, Sir, if I were sure you were not one of the wits (as I hope you are none, for you seem to be a fine Gentleman) I should invite you to my lodging; but indeed my husband hath given me warning of those naughty men, who they say, if a poor Lady do but pleasure a friend, or be troubled with the rheum at the mouth, or a cold in her bones, presently they make songs and libels of her, and do no more esteem the embraces of persons of quality, then of a milkemaid, or a laundress: The Monsieur, with a low leg, replies, I beseech you Madam to satisfy yourself that I am none of the wits; if I were, I should scarce have the honour to sit within the walls of this house: they alas are careless, slovenly people; whereas I have all my clothes, powder, linen, nay, gloves and ribbons out of France; besides, I voted the Army to be disbanded eighteen months ago, with six weeks' pay, and have ever since been of the side against them, even since the Scots were beaten, and made a bonfire at my door, the last 19▪ of November. And then Madam, 'tis well known, that I honour great Ladies so much, that I am seldom out of their company, and had rather lose my money at twelve-peny-gleek with them, though I see them jog one another, or be seen with them in a velvet coach in Hyde-park, though it cost me two pieces in stops, or venture my health to enjoy the oldest of them, then be plunged in the embraces of a young, fresh, innocent country beauty, with an Ordinance of an indemnity in her breech: more he would have said, but my Lady was by this satisfied, that the Gentleman was none of the wits, which makes her invite him to her lodging in Covent Garden, about eleven a clock that night: he promised to obey the summons, though for the present he was much distracted with public business; and had his head full of freedom, honour and safety.  
He keeps the assignation, and comes; after the usual compliments, she falls to tell the story of her life and business, which is too dull for Mercury to remember, and conculdes all with an earnest request, that he will tell her what these wits are, that she may avoid them: he easily condescends, and begins, Madam, you must know, that before these wars, the wits were a Corporation, or rather a Monopoly, for no man was suffered to be accounted able, or esteemed for parts, if he were not free of their company, or at least, had licence from them; They set up some for school divinity and Fathers; Others for inventing new Religions; Some for Politicians; The inferior sort, for Poltry, and all for sceptics. Hither all the young Courtiers, and inns of Court men made their address, to know whether they might like the last new play or no? whether such a Lady might be cried up for a wit? or such a new face ranked among the beauties? whether such a work was well written? and they gave out their orders, as duly as Zion college did▪ what Doctrine was to be preached. These was were esteemed and honoured everywhere but at the Court, where they were abominably laughed at; notwithstanding some of them repented since, were converted from being wits, and died in the King's service; Those that remain of them, are so few, and so scattered, that they are not able to set up; such of them as are of the King's side, are all to be Secretaries of State, the rest are about this Town; you may know them by their discourses of the affairs and resolutions of Christendom, by their curiosity and desire to see strange things, by their crying down our English ways and behaviour, by their invectives against the Ladies of this town; a Lady cannot whisper in Company, but they are so malicious, that it must be an appointment, or at least, want of breeding; If a Countess talk aloud, swear, or drink a quart of Sack at a meeting, they will help her into a Lampoon; In sum, the poor beauties of this Age stand in more awe of them, than they do of Obadiah. If a Lady slip aside at a ball, and be lost two hours with her Gallant, the wits find her out: If a maid be but out of town three months, or a young widow leave off her busk, they will be playing the philosophers, and searching out the cause. A great Lady cannot eat her break-fast in bed, and dine within an hour after, make one collation at Hyde-park, and another at Spring-Garden, and then go to a great Supper at Picadilly, or the bear, and at last, be entertained with a Banquet on the water, and this not above six times a week, but these will be apt to think her a glutton. And then they will make you such Encomiums of the Ladies of Queen Elizabeth's time, who understood worth, and esteemed men of parts (and those they would have you conceive to be such as themselves) they tell you that then an Anagram on a mistress's name, or a Sonnet to her could prevail more than all the Sullibubs, and cheesecakes of the Age; whereas these women (they tell you) had rather hear one cry God dam me Madam, or whistle a French tune, then have whole Arcadia's made to them: then they will count you long stories, what wise discreet husband's parents would in those days provide for their daughters, and add, that now, if a young Gentlewoman do not marry a fool, her mother will think her cast away; and if the poor bridegroom prove in time to have any sparks of wisdom, is ready to put him for a cheat. They will urge next, that there was no Lady in those days, but scorned to accept Diamond Rings, to have gowns sent them by Gentlemen out of France, to be fancied at fairs, or be trusted by milliners, for gloves, ribbons, or Spanish red, or to walk in the Exchange to have sweet meats given them. If a woman of quality be led in Spring garden, by a Gentleman bareheaded, you shall have one of them break a jest, and cry, why should men be suffered in these days of Reformation to worship in Groves? If any of them get admittance into a Lady's chamber, and find her Sperma-caeta▪ mask, he exclaims (by way of a Saryricall strong line) oh what a case are we poor men in, that the whales lust must be brought hither to inflame ours! If he find out her Sunday teeth, though they be of purest Ivory, they cannot scape him, but he will cry out, What, must both the Sea and Land Monsters, Leviathan and Bohemoth contribute to the luxury of this Age? one to plaster the cheek, and the other to repair the jaw? but these are sometimes scorned in their kind, for I am credibly informed, that he who writ the Parliament of Ladies, died not long after of a priapism, and not a Lady, or Gentlewoman in this Town could be entreated to take pity on him, and cure him: a judgement much like that, which befell the Author of Ignoramus, who lost a living for want of a Lawyer. Then they are as hard to be pleased with men too, and as censorious as schoolmasters: They will allow a quibble to be no jest, & cannot hear a jingle with patience, they dispraise you Quarlles, and Withers works, and cry up Dr Donne's Poems, Cooper's Hill, and Mr. May's Continuation: And if any of them chance to be married, or keep a Mistress, they are as vigilant over them, and as jealous; Here the young Lady could hold no longer, but exclaimed, marry! out upon them villains, I'll hear no more of them, I shall keep myself well enough from them, and adds, Sir, I fear it is late, and you may have far to your loding, if you please to accept half my bed, you shall be very welcome, for my husband saith, he is so confident of my affection, that he dares trust me with any living: The Gentleman was somewhat startled in Conscience, for to say truth, his conversation with great Ladies had made him stand more in need of me, than the Lady: notwithstanding, recollecting himself, that his Covenant (as he was much for the Covenant) did engage him to bring Delinquents to punishment, of whom the Lady was one; he consented, and leaps into the bed, and she (as soon as she had put out the candle) takes a cloth, and wipes me off from her cheek, and shows me a way toward the fire, by the help of which I soon evaporated away, and got my liberty, without being able to know what this worthy member did in her husbands, or her business.  
The description I had heard made of a wit, filled me with ambition, to be in the possession of one of them, which was crossed a long time, for that this Sect of men have little to do with physicians; at last, by the help of a bawd, and a Scots-man, I got entrance into one, who soon perceived what guest he had (notwithstanding that the Scots-man cried, The devil tack my sal give ye got eny) and would never rest till he was rid of me; it seems men of the same profession cannot bear one another, which was the cause that we two great wits could not live under one roof, so that by the help of an able Quack, he made me be drawn by the head and shoulders out of his shinbones; the example, and miracle of which converted almost all the wits, and they are since married; for though they are scattered and dispersed, yet they, like the Jews, keep a strict correspondency.  
The next body I got into, was a great masty London Parson, with a red head, which was thus; this patriarch was not so much of the Spirit, but he was somewhat for the flesh too, which made his wife, out of pure jealousy send for me, and put me into a caudle, to dispatch him; but as the devil would have it, and the sins of his Parish, being brought to him one day, as he was reading the Perfect Occurrences, to examine his Hebrew, and con his Intelligence by heart, to help him out with his next thanksgiving Sermon, he swallowed me, but his red head overcame me, it being natural for one poison to conquer another, and so I could do him no harm: but he had little need of my help, for he never preached, but he could poison the people without Mercury: he was a great driver of State affairs, the Presbyterian members rid him, and he rid the City, and begot Petitions, and Remonstrances, no man was a more punctual expecter of the Northern Letters than he, in hope to be inspired from Scotland (for the Spirit, as it did from Rome to Trent, comes thence every week in a cloakbag) and he was once gathering hands to a Petition, to have the day of the Posts arrival changed from Monday to Saturday, that so the people here might know their duty out of the Pulpit a week sooner: When he inveighed against the sins of his Auditory, he did it with so much scurility, that they could not be more ashamed of them, than they were of him, for he vented libels in stead of Sermons, whilst they that heard him did penance, and his Pulpit was the chair of Repentance for the whole Parish: when he chanced to preach before an assembly of Ladies, he would confute open breasts, and prove black patches to be the mark of the beast, and ever was in league with some Waiting-woman, or chambermaid, of whom he learned the name of every pin and knot, the way to put on their cravats, handcharchiefs and cauls, to pin their bought locks to their rolls, and the very ingredients of their washes, dentifrises, and powders to dry sweat (for it seems English Ladies must, like beef, be powdered, to keep them from stinking) all which served him in stead of school Divinity, which he abhorred as Popery, or cavalierism: when he came to any Lords, or Parliament man's table (whom he preached into great places, as they voted him into livings) there it was that he chiefly promoted the work of Reformation: he visited every dish more strictly than the University of Oxford, and imposed censures on the wine, & servants, but would not suffer Gluttony to be any of the enumerated cases, nor cause one dish to be suspended from the blessed table: when he was full fraught here (though most of the wives and daughters of his Classis were at his disposal for their spiritual, and his corporal consolation) he would sneak into a little blind bordello in Holborn, where he would have three young wenches whip him; so great an enemy was he to the superstition of Rome, that what that Church ordained for penance to take down the flesh, he used to raise it. He married his eldest son to a parson's daughter, whose father soon after deceased, and left her portion in Sermons, all of the Presbyterian cut, which being tipped a little with the story of the times, and some new invectives against the Independents, would have served him all his life, when behold a most sad accident; the Trumpeters of Zion (for so the Kirk of Scotland style themselves) had just changed their old tune, and learned another of the English Troopers, and had sent strict orders to their subjects here, that no more Presbytery should be heard of in the Pulpit, no more Independents delivered to Satan; this put him into great straits, as well what Sermons to preach, as what Religion to be of▪ and if he have any, I believe he is by this, a Seeker, for I came away without taking leave, having persuaded two of his teeth to fall out to open me a passage, and make his tedious discourses in the Pulpit less intelligible.  
By this time you will believe I had need of a little air, which I went to take in St. James's park, with a resolution, that if I could, like the chameleon, live by it, never to be a cannibal, and feed on man's flesh more: when I came into the park, it was Sunday after Sermon, and by reason that Spring garden was by special order shut, and so the tarts and rhenish-wine suspended till the next day; I found the great walk full of Ladies and Gentlemen, and all of my acquaintance, which made me steal back again for fear of being engaged; and as I was nigh the outmost gate, a lean chapfaln chemist starts out of the cockpit, snaps me up, and when he had conveyed me home, clapped me into a Pill, and carried me the next morning to a grave Member of the House of Commons, of the Presbyterian judgement: the Gentleman made many faces, & was very unwilling to swallow me, for (as I understood since) he took me for the self-denying Ordinance; at length he passed me, and I began to comfort myself, in hope now to comprehend the true meaning of the Covenant; but I soon found that he knew no more of that then I, but had trusted the Assembly with the interpretation▪ and they the Scots; he never spoke in the House till he received a nod from some of the Grandees of his luncta, whom they needed not trouble themselves to keep in ignorance, Nature had saved them that labour: He never spoke nonsense, but he told Mr. Speaker 'twas the sense of the City, and thought the best Government in the world, was a Commoncounsell; at last I began to dislike the dulness of my clime, and resolved to be gone, and thought to have taken my opportunity one day, when the House was divided, and those of my patron's faction went out, but he (conceiting that two vallant Independents, who stood near the door, looked stern upon him) durst not go out, but hath been ever since for a balloting box, and was in mind once to move the House, that (seeing he, and many more of his party had voted Blindfold, for above two years together) those two Gentlemen might at least be blinded, when the House was divided, that so people might go according to their consciences: Well, thought I, 'tis not safe for me to dwell with a man of so little courage, lest I be knocked; so when his nose dropped, I slipped out, and got into the nosegay of him that was next me, who happened to be of the other faction, he soon snuffed me up into his nose, and thence into his head.  
When I began to understand his secrets, I wondered to see him there, for I found that he was no member, but unlawfully returned; and looking into his conscience, perceived he was no Independent neither, only he had received this light, that the only way to stay in the house, was to seem so, and his staying there the only way to escape the coming to an account for fifty thousand pounds he owed the State. Mercury was never in his own element till he came to him, for I learned my old trade of stealing, perfecter than ever; I used before to filch here and there, a bit from such as were not aware of me; but I was with one now, who took all he saw, even from them that trusted him, and like Midas, turned every thing he touched into gold. Then he had other trades too, he would fall in talk with people he never saw, and make them speak against the Army, which he adored (especially since their great Remonstrance speaks nothing of accountants and would threaten to inform, except they compounded with him: nay, he was the Grandees setter, to watch what the Presbyterians who sat next him whispered one to another; he applied himself to the Congregations too, would have been entered at the Orthodox Club at the Rose, but they were too honest for him, and would talk all day of glorious lights, and steal at night to a bawdy house, without so much as a lantern and candle; whether for secrecy I know not, or covetousness; for he was so sparing, that two pence roast▪ beef in Hell was a feast to him, which he dispatched when the House was up, for sooner he durst not go, though he should have starved, for fear of displeasing the Grandees: This custom kept him fasting so long, that I began to be in danger of my life (for nothing kills Mercury sooner than fasting spital) which made me think of dislodging, and I took my opportunity one Sunday, as he was preaching in a Coach-house, in Vinegar yard, and came out of him without a lawful call.  
Reader, I should now descend, to acquaint thee with my several transmigrations through the Ladies of this Town, with many of which I have had not only a superficial correspondence (as with the sequestered) but much intimacy too; I should relate how I was tossed like a shuttlecock, from this Lady, to that Lord, from him, to the next waiting-woman, and so to the Roarers, where I learned to stand bare to exchange women, and call chambermaid's Madam, and by them sent to the city, and so back again to Westminster. How I went in the long vacation to the Bath, and how I passed my time there, but this would require a volume by itself, and would contain a diurnal, or rather nocturnal of the women of this Town. But most men being so ingenious in the writings of others, and malice being the greatest ingenuity of this Age, I fear I should not want Commentators, who would point out every Subject, as if she were named, or glanc▪ to at, which proceedings Mercury abhors; nothing but this can sublimate me, and make me poison, by rendering that a libel, which was meant a faithful history: And though I am not ignorant, that if I should take so bad a course, I might happily please more generally, than I displease; the Ladies of these times having no higher pleasure, or greater Lechery, then to hear one another spoke ill of, and to join in the defamation; yet all that cannot work with Mercury, who amongst all his thefts, never stole any persons reputation from him; and though he have much of a French man, yet he is unlike them in this quality of theirs, that if they get possession of a beauty, they cannot rest, till they proclaim her name to all the world: No, the obligation I have to that Sex, is too notorious to expect such a return, they having kept me out of Gilders shops, and schoolmasters clutches (Where I should have made ointments for ringworms, and waters for scabby Children) to give me a noble habitation in their own bodies and bosoms. Thus much notwithstanding, to avoid calumnies, I am forced to say in general, for mine own justification, That many of these beauties having made their breath stink with talking bawdy, would lay the fault upon poor Mercury. And as for the old saying, that Ladies never piss, but spit only, though the modesty of that, & all such expressions be wholly laid aside, few fearing to avow any evacuation of nature, or to call it by any name; yet that Proverb was never literally true till now, for few females of my acquaintance void any moisture, but at the pores, and mouth: Sure, if I had been as much in credit thirty years ago, as now, this Nation might have been happy, and have avoided this war, and undone hackney coachmen; for the Children of this Age (I mean stall of Lords and Gentlemen) which will be men the next, will be of too delicate a constitution to make Troopers of, and will be contented to travel up and down, in chairs and Litters. See then rare beauties the reciprocal obligation you have to Mercury, who hath not only changed himself into more shapes than ever Jupiter did, to serve your Sex, but even of a God, made himself corruptible, to be digested by you, and converted into you, and your posterities; so that whilst he lives, he lives serving you, and when he is killed, his desire is that he may be employed to make Looking-glasses, that so he may ever be before your faces.  
FINIS.