DIALOGUES OF THE DEAD. Relating to the present CONTROVERSY Concerning the Epistles of Phalaris.  
By the Author of the Journey to London.  
LONDON: Printed, and Sold by A. Baldwin, near the Oxford-Arms-Inn in Warwick-Lane. 1699.   

TO THE READER.  
THE following Dialogues were wrote by a Gentleman Residing at Milan, upon some Intelligence he received there of one Bentivoglio, a very Troublesome Critic in the World. The Author wrote 'em to divert his Spleen, after having had a taste of those Criticisms. He was so kind, as to send them to me, to make me some small amends for his absence. The Freedom that is between us, suffers me to let them go out of my Hands in the Dress that I received 'em; with a design to try whether other People may have the same Opinion of him that I have.  
Adieu.  Virgil Aeneid. Lib. 6. 

NEC procul hinc partem furi Monstrantur in Omnem;  
Lugentes Campi. Sic illos nomine dicunt,  
Hic quos durus Amor crudeli tabe peredit  
Secreti celant calls, & Myrtea circum  
Sylva tegit: Curae non ipsâ in Morte relinquunt.   

NOT far from thence, the Mournful Fields appear  
So called from Lovers, that inhabit there.  
The Souls, whom that unhappy Flame invades,  
In secret Solitude and Myrtle Shades,  
Make endless Moans, and pineing with desire,  
Lament too late their unextinguished Fire.   
Et postea.  

Hic genus antiquum Teucri pulcherrima proles  
Magnanimi Heroes, nati Melioribus annis:  
Ilusque, Assaracusque & Trojae Dardanus Auctor,  
Arma procul, currusque virum miratur Inanes  
Stant Terrae defixae hastae, passimqne soluti  
Per Campos pascuntur equi. Quae Gratia currûm.  
Armorumque fuit Vivis, quae cura nitentes  
Pascere Equos, eadem sequitur tellure reposto.   

Here found they Teucer's old Heroic Race;  
Born better Times, and happier Years to grace.  
Assaracus and Ilus here enjoy  
Perpetual Fame, with him who Founded Troy.  
The Chief beheld their Chariots from atar;  
Their shining Arms and Coursers trained to War.  
Their Lances fixed in Earth, their Steeds around,  
Free from their Harness, graze the Flowery Ground.  
The Love of Horses which they had alive,  
And Care of Chariots after Death survive.   Mr. Dryden's Translation.  

DIALOGUES OF THE DEAD.  
INTRODUCTION▪  Charon and Lycophron. Lycophron. 
WHY, Charon, what did you bring hither last Week?  Charon. 
Ay what indeed! I am like to lose my place for it. I hear there is such a stir among the Critics, that the three Judges have much ado to ratify Bonds of Arbitration between 'em. But pray tell me what I have done, for I am ignorant of my own Crime.  Lycophron. 
Why you brought over young Schrevelius, and he had with him the Works of the Snarling Critic Bentivoglio.  Charon. 
I can't tell whose Works they were, but I am sure they were confounded heavy. They had like to have sunk my Scholar— But I hope the Troubles are composed on this side the Water.  Lycophron. 
No, worse than ever; it is a Mercy that no Blood can be spilt among them; and having no Weapons they can't come to Daggers drawing.  Charon. 
Pray what may be the reasons of their Dissensions?  Lycophron. 
Why some are of your Opinion, that indeed Bentivoglio is a Heavy Writer; and say further, That he is too Bulky, and too Tedious, that he argues upon Trifles only with great Gravity, and manages Serious Things with as much Lightness. That he has pillaged Authors to gain a Reputation, but has so managed his Contrivance that he has lost his end. In short, there are mighty Disputations whether he has least Wit, Judgement, or Good-manners; Rhadamanthus is their Umpire, who finding the case difficult, has taken a considerable time to deliberate concerning it.  Charon. 
But pray, Sir, what do you say as to this Affair?  Lycophron. 
Why indeed I am not wholly Impartial in this matter, for Bentivoglio has very much obliged me throughout his Works. He has imitated me even without reason, for as it was my choice, so his natural Genius leads him to be unintelligible. A Man may as soon understand his Latin as his English, and his English as my Greek; his Prose is as Fantastic as my Verse; and my Prophecies carry more light with 'em than his demonstrations  Charon. 
Why then he may have more Worth and Learning in him than the generality of Mortals can easily comprehend.  Lycophron. 
That is possible, but it is harder to search for 'em than to dig in the Mines of Potosi. The Great Dionysius has found his worth; I mean the same Dionysius, who from being Tyrant of Syracuse, became a Schoolmaster, and a Pedant. He, upon reading Bentivoglios Dissertation upon Johannes Antiochenus, 
Vide Dissert p. 32 from thence to p. 145.  wherein he had started a new Observation about the measures of Anapaestick Verse; has called a hundred little Youthful Shades, that had formerly misspent their time through the negligence of their Fathers, and the fondness of their Mothers, to come all under his Correction, where Brandishing his Wooden Authority, he commands 'em to scan Anapaestick Verses; and if they find any Verse ending with a short Syllable, they are immediately, right or wrong, to Correct it, under the severe Penalty of committing two Pages of Bentivolio's Works to their Memory. Buchanan, who was likewise a Schoolmaster of great Sense and Parts, though of much Passion, has sent for a Detachment of Schoolboys from Grotius; and another from Scaliger, which with some Numbers from his own Country, and the Moderns, he has drawn up against Dionysius: and this latter Squadron affirm, that the last Syllable of an Anapaestick Verse may be short, notwithstanding Bentivoglios Dissertation. Proserpina only knows the event of these Troubles; for till this matter be decided, Poetry must lie still since in such dubious times no Person can make an Anapaestick Verse with any safety.  Charon. 
Very true▪ Sir, a mistake in such a quantity may be of fatal consequence.  Lycophron. 
But, Charon, the heat of my Discourse had almost made me forget the very business I had with you. I have some Requests to you from the Emperor Claudius, he is extremely enamoured with the Works of Bentivoglio, and has set forth his Edict concerning some important Matters, which, if you please, I will read to you.  
Claudius. To the Lovers of the Bell's Lettreses, Greeting:  
All the World know how much I was concerned, and what brave and valiant Things I acted for the Grandeur of the Roman Empire; but my greatest Glory was the adding of Letters to the Roman Alphabet, and it shall be the utmost of my endeavours to establish the purity of Languages, and the exactness of Spelling throughout all Nations. Therefore considering the great Service which the most famous Bentivoglio has done his native Country by raising the credit of several admirable Proverbs: I do order all Persons to use the same as often, or oftener than they have occasion; for nothing can be more Edifying than the following Maxims. 
Dis. p. 75.  That Leucon carries one thing, and his Ass another. 
p. 39  A Man of Courage and Spirit should not go with Finger in Eye to tell his Story. 
p. 75.  A bungling Tinker makes two holes while he mends one. I likewise by the same Authority order, That in all Books and Prefaces whatsoever, such words be used as have received the stamp of that Great Author; for I do declare and Concede, 
p. 85.  that we ought to Repudiate whatever is Commentitious, but that to Alien what is Vernacular is the Putrid Negoce of a Timid Idiom. I have moreover, taken into my serious consideration the duty of true Spelling, and do Order and Command, That no School-Mistress, Writing-Master, Gentleman, Young Lady, or Others, do by virtue, or under pretence of any Metathesis, Syncope, Metastoichie, Synecdoche, or any other Figure whatsoever, 
Farnaby 's Rhetoric. Dis. p. 92.  presume to write Cruds for Curds, Delphos for Delphi. Ynuph for Enough, If for Wife; but more particularly, 
Dis. p. 86.  that no one presume to use Cotemporary for Contemporary, the Letter n being in that place of the utmost importance: but he may with Delight and Pleasure to his Readers transgress the Rules of Orthography, 
Ibid.  and use the word Cogratulate in a Jocose Sense, as it is applied in the Writings of the most excellent Author beforemention'd. All this I establish under the Penalty of Bentivoglios irresistible Criticisms, and the utmost Displeasure of  
Claudius.  
This Edict Claudius' desires may be set up beyond the Stygian Lake, that the Shades may know how to act when they come hither.  Charon. 
Sir, your Request shall be complied with, but I must make haste away, for you know I am expected with impatience. If these are the Disputes of the Persons of Bell's Lettreses, I am sure an Honest Scholar loses precious Time and Tide, whilst he stays to hear 'em.   

IMPUDENCE: OR, THE SOPHIST.  Phalaris and the Sophist. Phalaris. 
I Am told lately, since the coming over of Schrevelius, wherever I go, that you lay claim to my Epistles, and say they were wrote by you.  Sophist. 
Perhaps, I may have done so, Sir, without Offence.  Phalaris. 
Without Offence! Shall a Prince be rifled of his Honour by a Pedant? Be told to his Face that his Works are not his own? Daggers, Bulls, and Torments!  Sophist. 
Not so Angry, good Sir, you know that here in the Shades all Persons are equal. Besides, Sir, it was always my Humour to Plume myself with borrowed Feathers, and I never knew that the Cuckoo did not lie In as decently as other Birds, though she never put herself to the trouble of building her Nest. And besides, Sir, though Bentivoglio took whole passages from Nevelet, and Vizzanius, yet they make no disturbance amongst the Shades, but here is such a stir because I am pleased to own your Epistles.  Phalaris. 
Were you in the other World, you would not have dared to have talked so to me.  Sophist. 
Nay, were you in the other World, Bentivoglio would not have spoke as he has done of you.  Phalaris. 
Impudence in perfection! Could such a Wretch as thou wast, be able to express such things as I have done. That Honour of Learned Men and Esteem of Good; 
Sir Will. Temples 's Essays.  That scorn of my Enemies, that Bounty to my Friends, that Knowledge of Life, and Contempt of Death. Don't my Thoughts flow with Freedom, and my native Firceness give Vigour to my Words, and animate all my Expressions.  Sophist. 
These Arguments might convince another Person, and perhaps you writ such a Book indeed, but I have Encouragement to take it upon me, and I will take it upon me.  Phalaris. 
What are the Reasons by which you will convince other People that my Epistles are yours.  Sophist. 
Look you, Sir, I am resolved to own them, and however improbable the thing may be, I have a Doctor to stand by me. And then, Sir, I shall endeavour to pacify you with Reasons, if that will do it; my Arguments are from the uncertainty of the Time in which you lived, and consequently of such Persons who might be your Cotemporaries, because you know there could never have been two of the same Name. Another Argument I draw from the Names of Sicilian Towns and Villages; which amongst the variety of little Commonwealths, and Changes of Principalities must needs be the most certain Rule imaginable to judge of time by, because we know the greatest Nations are in dispute concerning their own Originals. Then you, who are a Dorian, pretend to write Attic, which is as absurd as if a Berwick-man should write English; And lastly, you have four Sayings, and six Words, that were not used till several Ages after you were born, as I am credibly informed.  Phalaris. 
Well, have you any more Arguments.  Sophist. 
Yes, Sir, I shall throw you in one Argument more that must confound you. Throughout all your Epistles, There is not one word relating to the Old Gentlewoman, your Mother, which a Man of your Benevolence and Affection to your Family, 
Dis. 520.  could hardly have omitted; and in your Letters to your Son, there is no mention made either of the young Man's Duty to his Grandmother, or of her Love to him, and in your Letters to your Wife there is as great a silence about the Mother's kindness to her Daughter-in-law. Besides, Whereas all the Ancients used to date their Letters, yours are without any Note, Place, or Time, that one cannot tell where, or when they were written.  Phalaris. 
Radamanthus' grant me Patience.  Sophist. 
Stay, Sir, but one Word more; you say the Epistles are your own, I say they are my own, and that Bentivoglio has proved them to be so, by Arguments that are his own.   

Modern Achievements.  Butcher and Hercules. Butcher. 
WELL, for all your blustering, were we in the other World, I would not have turned my Back to you, and if I had but a Quarterstaff, I would have ventured you with your Club for coming in with me.  Hercules. 
Did not I cleanse the Augean Stables, and conquer the Bull of Marathon?  Butcher. 
And I have slaved and tailed at the Bankside when the stoutest He would not venture; Was it not I that when Tom Dove broke lose, and drove the Mob before him, took him by the Ring, and led him back to the Stake, with the universal Shouts of the Company? Besides, I question whether you ever saw a Bull-dog.  Hercules. 
You talk of mean Performances; But I subdued the Laestrigons, who used to Banquet upon Man's Flesh, and destroyed Horses; that after they had eat the Meat from a Humane Body, would crash the Bones as other Palfreys do Horse-beans. Perhaps, you never heard of these Stories.  Butcher. 
Not I  Hercules. 
No, not you! Do you know what Authors say? That Phalaris longed to eat a Child, 
Dis. 512. 513.  and at last came to devour sucking Children, taking them from their Mother's Breasts to eat 'em; and that his own Son did not escape his Hunger. Do you know in what Olympiad the famous Emperor Xerxes Butchered the Empress Atossa, 
p. 536.  Sister to Cambyses, Wife to Darius, and his own natural Mother, and then eat her? No not you! Your Stature and Strength of Body makes you Proud, but your Ignorance in History renders you Contemptible. Read the Works of the Great Bentivoglio that are lately come over, and be Wiser.  Butcher. 
I don't know any thing about your Man-Eaters, but I know when, and where the Fellow run for the great Bag-Pudding, and eat it when he had done; and I am sure, if this Story was well told, it would seem the more probable.  Hercules. 
You enrage me! Now by the Gods I have taken the Thermodoontiack Belt from the Princess Thalestris.  Butcher. 
Hold a little, good Sir, I have flung down the Belt in moorfield's when never a Lincolns-Inn-Fields Wrestler durst encounter me.  Hercules. 
What think you of Hyllus, 
Dis p. 52, 53, 54.  Lycon, and Plato the Wrestlers, Cleanthes the Cuffer, and twenty more of 'em. Oh the Glory of the former Ages! what Racing, what Running, what Wrestling, what Boxing at the Olympiads, the Pythick and Nemean Games, when the Oak, the Pine and Parsly Garlands remained the Reward of their Victories.  Butcher. 
In truth, Sir, I believe the Cornish Hug would have puzzled the Art of your Philosophers; and that a Prize at Back Sword, with the other Weapons, as Dagger, Falchion, and the rest, may be as well worth admiration, as your hard named ‛ Lympiads that you make such a rout with. Hereafter I would have all the Wenches that win the Smock at Astrop, and the Fellows that get the Hat and Feathers throughout England by Boxing and Cudgle-playing to be put in the Chronicle, and take place above the High-Constable.  Hercules. 
What can you have seen like the Horse-racing in Greece; for after the Apene, which was drawn by Mules, and first was used at the Olympics in the 70th Olympiad, was cried down in the 84th Olympiad; the Race of Horses was improved to admiration.  Butcher. 
This may be true; but as poor a Fellow as I was, I could have laid my Leg over a good piece of Horseflesh, and with a hundred Guineas in my Pocket have rod to Newmarket, where Dragon, or Why-not, Honey-cum-punch, or Stiff-Dick, should have run for it against any Grecian Horse that you, or any of your Forefathers could have produced.  Hercules. 
You would still pretend to outdo the Ancients; but let me tell you one thing, which I did, which I must own my Thanks to Bentivoglio, is by him Recorded to Posterity. I had a mind to go to Erythraea, 
Dis. p. 114, 115, 116.  an Island in the Western Ocean, and how do you think I got thither? In a Ship, you will say; No! in a Brazen Ship? No, In a Cauldron? No! In a Brazen Cauldron? No! In a Golden Bed? No! How then, you will say in the Name of Wonder? Why, in short, I got the Sun to lend me his Golden Cup to sail in, and I scudded away as well as if I had had all the Wind and Sail imginable.  Butcher. 
And no such great matter at last! I remember as I was boasting one day of my Exploits to a good jolly Muscovite at the Bear-Garden, he told me that St. Nicholas came to their Country sailing upon a Millstone, which I thought as humoursome a Passage as your Cup. But to be short and plain with you, I have Witnesses both on this side and t'other side of Styx, that saw me Row myself from the Horse-Ferry to the other side of the Water in my own Trey, with a couple of Trenchers; and there is a Trey and a Mill Stone for your Cup and your Cauldron.  Hercules. 
I find you will have the last word.  Butcher. 
Well, since he is gone, I think I may say, That the Persons who have lived lately, are only wanting to themselves, and that it is the Negligence of our Ballad-Singers that makes us be talked of less than others, for who almost, besides St. George, King Arthur, Bevis, Guy, and Hickathrift, are in the Chronicles? Our great Scholars are so much taken up with such Fellows as this Hercules, Hyllus the Wrestler, Cleanthes the Cuffer, Phalaris and Xerxes the Man-Eaters, that they never mind My Actions, nor several others of their own Countrymen.   

SELF-LOVE, OR THE BEAU.  Ricardo, Narcissus. Ricardo. 
Augustus' died in a Compliment, 
Lord Bacon 's Essays.  Tiberius in Dissimulation, Vespasian in a Jest, Galba with a Sentence, Severus in Dispatch, and you in Love.  Narcissus. 
I think myself happy in my Death, since it was in pursuance of so justifiable a Passion as that of Self-love; for all the World must own that I was charmingly Beautiful.  Ricardo. 
Why truly, I think, That a Critic, as Bentivoglio for Example, has as much reason to value himself upon, as you had, or rather more. And indeed, are not his Works full of himself, 
Dis. Pref. from p. 1, to p. 112.  and is he at all sparing in his own Commendations? Does he blush to hear himself praised, 
Dis. from p. 1, to p. 549.  or rather spread his gayest Feathers to the best advantage, and then Amplifies, 
Pref. p. 80, 84.  Expatiates and Comments upon himself that belov'd Subject? 
Pref. Dis. p. 59, 60.  In short, has he not done himself True Honour by his improvement of the Parodia of the Salt-cellar, and then assuming that warmth and haughtiness, 
Pref. p. 101. 102.  which are the Companions of such as are Conscious of their own Merit. Well, I am satisfied you could never have been so handsome as he is Learned and Ingenious in his own Eyes.  Narcissus. 
Might three Pimples at once have seized my Complexion, if you don't amaze a Person of my Fondness for my own Accomplishments! Did not my Perfections occasion me the Envy of my Sex?  Ricardo. 
And will not even Envy itself be forced to allow that Bentivoglios Discovery concerning Anapaests is no inconsiderable one? 
Dis. p. 13●.  And does not he speak Truth, when he says the Critics tell him That Rumpantur ut ilia Codris. 
Praef. p. 55, 48.  Although the Codri burst with Spleen, yet he will be esteemed by all that Cultivate Humanity.  Narcissus. 
All the Nymphs addressed to me in the softest Words, and most languishing Expressions.  Ricardo. 
And can any thing be more tender than what the Critics tell Bentivoglio, That they keep his Epistles more carefully than dried Grapes, or preserved Pine-Apples: That he arrides to the Palate as soon as tasted, 
Praef. p. 53 Qui omnia Tuae Custodio diligentius Nigris Wis. Praef. p. 80. Videbis hic Lector studiose Musicarum Cupediarum & aliud quod Tuo palato simul ac gustaris, sat scio arridebit mirifice.  and is the very Oglio of all Musical Dainties.  Narcissus. 
Did not Sighs and Tears attend my Neglect, and was not Death the Companion of my Disdain?  Ricardo. 
And does not Bentivoglios All-correcting Pen, when once drawn forth, make all the Critics tremble? Is Vossius secure? 
p. 281, 282, 283.  Is Scaliger without his Faults? Don't Stobaeus and Pollux know their distance? Nay, can even the Etymologicon, or the Scholiast be then supposed to be unblameable.  Narcissus. 
Echo, declares the force of my Charms, and tho' a miserable, yet is a lasting Monument of my Conquest.  Ricardo. 
Echo repeats only the last and dying sounds of Sentences, whereas Bentivoglio knows that he has the full Voice of Fame, He has received Thanks from all the Lovers of Polite Learning, 
Praef. p. 48, 49.  and his worth has long ago reached these Shades, and has put the Ghost of Reubenius to an uneasiness to know how to return the Obligations received from him.  Narcissus. 
The Gods took care that I should not be forgotten in the other World, each Spring revives my Flower which preserves my Name, and is the greatest Beauty in the Garlands of all Nymphs that lament my absence.  Ricardo. 
But the Great Bentivoglio has more sublime Glory! What Emperors were flattered with when Dead, That he has gained deservedly whilst living, He is a Star already, and if he proceeds in his Learned Labours may become a Constellation. 
Praef. p. 79, 81.  He is Reverenced by all for being the New and Rising-Star, and the brightest light of Britain; Whereas, Sir, for your Flowers a Man may have a Basketful of you in the Market for Sixpence.  Narcissus. 
Well, I will hide myself in the thickest Shades of Myrtles; there Contemplate upon my own Perfections, and ever now and then in some neighbouring Fountain (since I cannot fear a second Death) gaze upon my own Beauty. Farewell fond Critic: Languish in thy Misfortune, since thou dost not comprehend my worth, which I alone know how to value.  Ricardo. 
Alas he flies! And now methinks I begin already to repent of what I have done. How unsincere are all Humane Pleasures, something still intervenes to Tarnish the lustre of our Triumphs. I may have gained the Better of Narcissus, but then I grieve to think that after his Example, some day or other, even my Friend Bentivoglios Self-Love may chance to be put out of Countenance.   

THE DICTIONARY.  Hesychius and Gouldman. Hesychius. 
OH! Brother Gouldman, I am heartily glad to meet you. You must have heard the News; Bentivoglio has vindicated the Worth and Honour of all Dictionaries: He has read half of me, and has made Honourable mention of me in all his Works, 
Dissert. Throughou.  he has restored me in ten Thousand places, and Collated me with all the Manuscripts in the World but those in the King of Poland's Library. Methinks you don't seem so pleased with the News as you ought to be. Are you not concerned for the Wit, Reputation, and Honour of one that can write a Dictionary? You seem so unconcerned, as if you had no Opinion of the Matter.  Gouldman. 
Prithee Brother Hesychius, don't trouble me with the Story of a Fellow that has read your Labours, for I am persuaded that he must have a very small Library, and little to do, that reads a Dictionary,  Hesychius. 
Not read a Dictionary! Why I knew a Man that read all the Volumes of Stephen's Thesaurus thrice over.  Gouldman. 
I thought Dictionaries had been made not to have been read, but turned to. Besides, some are too Voluminous. There came out in Arabia some Ce●●●●●es ago, a Dictionary of three or four Folio's, which contains nothing else but the several parts of a Camel▪ and the words that are properly used in the Dressing and Equipping of it. Do you think it would be worth while to make one of equal bulk concerning Horses, for the use of the Europeans? How many Grooms in the Meuse, or Jockeys in Smithfield, do you think would read it?  Hesychius. 
You are the most provoking Shade that walks. What no Wit, Breeding, Complaisance, Politics, Knowledge of Men and Manners, to be learned out of Dictionaries. Prove it, prove it. Hear him, hear him.  Gouldman. 
I grant that all Wit, Arts, Genteel and Mannerly Conversation, are contained in Dictionaries just as they are in the Alphabet, and in some measure, more properly: Because they contain Words, but then the joining them is the Art our Dictionaries will never teach a Man; for suppose I was to discourse in Politics, my first word I find in your 119th Page, your second in the 204th, and the third perhaps, an 100 Pages after, now this is too much for mortal Man to carry in his Memory.  Hesychius. 
So then, you would have a Man put words together, properly to make sense of 'em! Very fine! How then could I▪ or my Friend Bentivoglio be Authors? But let me hear you, as to the Wit of Dictionaries.  Gouldman. 
Why, 〈◊〉 that the Person who pretend● to have discovered any Wit, eve● 〈◊〉 you Brother, has found out more tha● ever you designed to teach 〈◊〉.  Hesychius. 
Astonishment! Does not more of Homer's Wit appear in his Eus●athius and Dydimus than in his Iliads? And is not Clavis Homerica better than either? And Seberus' Index a wiser Book than any of them all? What Man won't own that Erythraeus has done more service to Virgil, than Ogylby has by Translating him?  Gouldman. 
At the same rate, I suppose, you will Compliment me, and tell me that the proper Names at the end of my Dictionary, are a better History than Holinshed, Heylin and Howel, altogether. Now you see the use of my Letter H.  Hesychius. 
Why so they are! But can there be more Wit than in an Etymology, of which, you are full from all Languages?  Gouldman. 
Etymologies may indeed furnish Materials for Quiblers, Punsters', and Conundrum-makers', but these sorts of Wit are as much out of use as Hammered Money.  Hesychius. 
But I hope they will be in Esteem again, when my Works are restored by the hand of the Great Bentivoglio. But is not the Order of a Dictionary admirable? 
Dis. 4.  Has not Julius' 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 incomparable Fluency? Is not 〈◊〉 a● exquisite Politician? 〈◊〉 Glossary of the Greek and Barbarous Words, most Harmonious? Does not Passer contend with Schrevelius, and Schrevelius with Passer, and both observe the Conquest? But you ●on't seem to have a just esteem for your own Works; T●●ti eris aliis quanti tibi fueris, as the Poet Calepin has it. Be sure think as well of Yourself for writing a Dictionary as Bentivoglio does of himself for reading one, and the World must think well of you.   

AFFECTATION OF THE Learned Lady.  Bellamira, Calphurnia. Bellamira. 
YOU seem, Madam, to have been strangely delighted with the Bell's Lettreses whilst you were in the other World.  Calphurnia. 
Why truly, Madam, I was thought to have had a Relish for 'em, and not to have been Sans quelque goût in the Belle Maniere.  Bellamira. 
Reading may be allowable in our Sex, when we have little else to do, especially if the Subject be diverting, but your Toilette used always to be heaped with such Books as frighted me to look into 'em.  Calphurnia. 
Having an Acquaintance among the Learned, sometimes I had spread before me the Works of Jansenius, and Mr. Arnaud, Stephens' Thesaurus, des Cartes, Causabon's Athenaeus, Kircher, Lipsius, Taubmannus, with such like Authors and Manuscripts innumerable.  Bellamira. 
Indeed, Madam, you used to make such an appearance abroad, as if you bestowed your time in your Dressing-Room different from other Ladies.  Calphurnia. 
I was so Visited in a Morning by the Virtuosos, Critics, Poets, Booksellers, so taken up with my Correspondence with the Learned both at Home and Abroad, that I had little time to talk with my Milliner, Dresser, Mantua-Maker, and such Illiterate People.  Bellamira. 
Such a Levee for a Lady is not very common, but they who had a Capacity for such Company, must needs have been very well entertained.  Calphurnia. 
Oh infinitely! The Company most charming! I could have wished for your sake, Madam, that you had understood Latin and Greek, I could have recommended to your Acquaintance so profound a Scholar.  Bellamira. 
To what intent, Madam?  Calphurnia. 
Why you, Madam, were a Person very Nice and Exact in your Dress, your Table and Apartments. I have heard him, Madam, give such a Description of a Commode from a satire of Juvenal, that your Ladyship could not have found fault with the Air of it. Then he illustrated the Text with the Comments of Lubin, Holiday, and others, to that degree, Madam, Compagibus altis aedificare Caput; Madam! Oh charming! beyond any thing, even of the French Madam.  Bellamira. 
You are obliging to assist me in this matter; for I ignorantly took the Fashion as I found it.  Calphurnia. 
A Gentleman came one Morning with several various readings upon Vitruvius▪ and from thence persuaded me that the Frame of my Looking-Glass was the most injudicious Piece of Architecture that could be, that the Bases were Doric, the Capitals Corinthian, and the Architrave perfectly Barbarous, for which reason I went abroad without Patches, till such Absurdities were entirely Mended and Corrected by his Direction.  Bellamira. 
I remember in Don Quixote, one of my Authors, the Marquis of Mantua, when he had sworn to revenge the Death of his Nephew Valdovinos, was not to Eat on a Tablecloth till he had performed it. But was not yours too severe a Mortification for the Ignorance of your Cabinet-maker? But, Pray, Madam, who was this knowing Person?  Calphurnia. 
It was the same great Virtuoso Signior Bentivoglio, a Person of the most known Merit then Breathing. I did nothing in my Family without his direction. He has often taken his Bill of Fare out of Athenaeus, and covered my Table with the most surprising Dishes imaginable. Ordinary Persons content themselves with modern Soups, but after my acquaintance with him, nothing but the Black Lacedaemonian Broth might be set before us. 
p. 377, 379.  He gave the bravest sounding Greek Names from Simon's Art of Cookery, and the Gastronomia, such Oulions', Groulions', Floios' and Toios, to the end of every thing, that it was most charming. He made the most delicious Alphiton of the Ancients, 
379.  far exceeding our Hasty-Pudding. I remember once at the sight of a Piece of Roast-Beef he repeated such a rumbling description out of Homer of the Beef sent up to Agamemnon, that I profess my Lady Cornelia's Children ran away frighted, long before the Melimela and Mala Aurea, which the Ignorant call the Desert, could possibly be set upon the Table.  Bellamira. 
I profess, Madam, I had rather have gone without a Desert, nay, a second Course, than have had things with such Hideous Names set before me. But, Madam, do Learned Men trouble themselves about such Affairs as these are?  Calphurnia. 
Oh! Madam, No Man can be a Scholar without being Expert in the whole method of Athenaeus 's Cookery. What Quarrels, Madam, do you think there have been between Grave and Learned Men, about spelling a Greek Word, that has been only one single Ingredient of a Patty-pan. Pray read Athenaeus, Madam, and you will be convinced of it.  Bellamira. 
Sure, Learned Men won't quarrel about Trifles?  Calphurnia. 
Oh! Madam, rather than any thing. Why as I have read in several Authors, Timothias, a Grammarian, upon a Dispute concerning a Greek 〈…〉 to a Chechine, with the great Scholar Philelphus. The old Gentleman lost, and his Adversary was so unmerciful as to cut it off, and hang it upon his Chair, as a Monument of his Victory.  Bellamira. 
A Cruelty in my Opinion too insulting.  Calphurnia. 
Oh! Madam, I had forgot one thing, I most heartily beg your Pardon. Bentivoglio one day showed me the Name of a Pudding in one of Aristophanes his Plays; which, if it were wrote at its full length, would be as long as your Ladyship's Tippet.  Bellamira. 
I fancy this Outlandish way of furnishing your Table, was the reason why Persons of Quality avoided eating with you, especialiy having Company that discoursed so much above 'em.  Calphurnia. 
I was so involved in the Greek, that I protest, Madam, I had entirely forgot the necessary Ingredients for Lemmon Cream, and Jelly of Hartshorn.  Bellamira. 
Perhaps, that might be the reason you appeared so seldom in the Park, and were so very long before you returned a Visit that had been paid you.  Calphurnia. 
My Day for the Ladies was but once a Fortnight, but every day for the Virtuosos. But, pray, Madam, how did you spend your time, and fit yourself for Conversation?  Bellamira. 
Why, Madam, my own Affairs took up some part of my time; Music and Drawing diverted me now and then; I had sometimes a fancy for Work, I now and then went to see a Play, when I liked the Company I went with better than those I usually found there; I made myself as easy as I could to my Acquaintance, and I have still the vanity to think I was not disagreeable to them, and I did not find but if one of us make out in Civility what we want in Learning, but we might pass our time well enough in the World.  Calphurnia. 
If you can satisfy yourself with such Trifles, I am your Servant Madam, and Adieu.   

CHRONOLOGY.  Lily the ginger, Helvicus. Lilly. 
WHY as Matters go now with Chronology, it signifies nothing what we do. There is no value for Exactness; To what end have we Studied? what becomes of our Decimals, Sexagesimals, Algorithms of Fractions, Parabolisms, Hypobybasms, Paralelopipeds, and Zenzes; when we have flung away a Day, nay, sometimes a Week, to preserve the least imaginary part of a Moment, What Honours are at last conferred upon us? Father Time may even bestow his Hourglass upon what Parish-Church he pleases, and next Hay-Harvest for want, or else diversion, Mow his way down from Paddington to Cumberland.  Helvicus. 
Why in such a Passion, Brother Lilly?  Lilly. 
Brother Lily! You make very free with me. I am none of your Brother, the Great Bentivoglio may indeed call me Brother, since the Publication of his Eternal Labours. He equals the Chronological Tables that I yearly Published, 
See Diss.  and then he is the most exact Man at the Original of a Sicilian City, that amidst never so great variety of Authors. He can tell you the Man that laid the first Stone of it. There was not a Potter in Athens, or a Brazier in Corinth, but he knows when he set up, and who took out a Statute of Bankrupt against him.  Helvicus. 
Why this is great Learning indeed!  Lilly. 
Why so it is, Sir; Do you know whether Thericles made Glass or Earthenware, 
Dissert. about Thericlean Cups.  or what Olympiad he lived in?  Helvicus. 
Truly not I, but do the Fortunes of Greece depend upon it?  Lilly. 
Thus you would encourage Ignorance; my Brother Bentivoglio and I, have Studied many years upon things of less Importance; some of which I shall name to you, as that Carp and Hops came into England the same Year with Heresy. That the first Wether cock was set upon the Tomb of Zethys and Calais, Sons of Boreas, in the time of the Argonautick Expedition. That Mrs. Turner brought up the Fashion of yellow Starch. That the Sybarites first laid Rose-Cakes and Lavender among their Linen. That Sardanapalus was the Inventor of Cushions, which never before this last Century have been improved into easy Chairs, by the Metamorphosis of cast Mantua's and Petticoats, to the ruin of Chambermaid's. And yet we thought our time well spent, I must tell you.  Helvicus. 
Are any of these things in usher's Annals, or Simpson's Chronicon?  Lilly. 
Perhaps not; but we stand upon their Shoulders, and therefore see things with greater exactness, perhaps never Man came to the same pitch of Chronology as the much Esteemed Bentivoglio. He has got the true Standard by which to judge of the Grecian time: He knows the Age of any Greek Word unless it be in the Greek Testament, and can tell you the time a Man lived in, by reading a Page of his Book, as easily as I could have told an Oyster-Woman's Fortune when my hand was crossed with a piece of Silver.  Helvicus. 
This is admirable! why than it seems Words have their Chronology and Phrases, their Rise and Fall, as well as the four Monarchies.  Lilly. 
Very right; let Bentivoglio but get a Sentence of Greek in his Mouth, and turn it once or twice upon his Tongue, and he as well knows the growth of it, as a Vintner does Burgundy from Maderas.  Helvicus. 
For shame, give over. You and Bentivoglio are a disgrace to Chronology; which is a Study that has, and does employ the care of the greatest Men in Church and State. Nothing can be of more use than the Periods they fix, both for the Illustration of History, and the Service of Religion. But I must own that Thericles' Crockery-ware does not fall under these grave Enquirers Notice. Consider farther, That Men of true Learning will always be Honoured whilst their Mimics are despised.   

THE IMPOSTURE.  Heraclitus, Democritus. Heraclitus. 
ALas! Alas! The World it seems continues still the same, 
Diss. 331, 239, 339▪ 374. etc.  Lies, Mistakes, Cheats, Forgeries, and Impostures, are Published, and Defended amongst the Learned, as much as ever; Alas! Alas!  Democritus. 
Cheer up your Spirits, Old Spark, the World owes half its Ease, Content and Happiness to Deceit.  
" So to his Cure we the Sick Youth betray, 
Tasso from Lucretius.   
" And round the Cup persuasive Honey lay;  
" The Bitter Draught thus by the Boy received,  
" Preserves his Life for being well deceived.  
A Coxcomb is the Object of Envy, rather than Pity. When you weep to see Sharpers impose upon his Sense, Bullies upon his Courage, and Pedants upon his Understanding. He laughs at your Tears, and I laugh at his Follies.  Heraclitus. 
Who without concern will consider that Pythagoras should write Verses, 
p. 15.  and put Orpheus 's Name to 'em. That Heraclides should be such an Imposture as to Counterfeit Thespis 's Plays, 
245.  and impose upon Clemens Alexandrinus, Pollux, and Plurarch altogether. Alas! the very Laws of Charondas and Zaleucus are spurious Cheats, 
334. Diss. p. 335. to 376.  and foul Impostures, whilst Diodorus, Stobaeus, and Others, have as much as in them lay, contributed to the Villainy.  Democritus. 
Defer your Passion, the other side of these Propositions may chance to be true: Besides, you pass no great Compliment upon Learning, when you would show your Learned Men of Antiquity to be either Fools or Rascals. You may easily guests by this Smile what the generality of Bystanders will be apt to do upon this occasion.  Heraclitus. 
But O! Phalaris! Phalaris! Notwithstanding the Dissertations of Bentivoglio, the Sophist imposes his spurious Epistles upon the World, under his Name, and the Examiner, who has undertaken his Defence, has met with a kind Reception from the World whilst none complain but I and Bentivoglio.  Democritus. 
Whilst Life, Spirit, and a great Genius, shine throughout the Epistles, and whilst Wit, Judgement, and Learning go along with the Examiner, Men will read 'em. In the mean time dry your Eyes, and assure yourself, your Friend Bentivoglio will never be useless as long as there are any Grocers.  
You seem more pale than ordinary all of a sudden! What is the matter?  Heraclitus. 
The Stone! the Stone! the Stone!  Democritus. 
You can't be troubled with that, since your Shade can feel no Pain.  Heraclitus. 
It is the Marble, that is the thing that grieves me.  Democritus. 
Pray, what has this Marble done?  Heraclitus. 
Time has devoured it.  Democritus. 
If that be all, that is a thing common to all Marble.  Heraclitus. 
Oh! but this which is eaten is in the most material place for the purpose. For without a Man can make sense of— ppotonistha— d— arsicho— noinow— ere— nos— etc. 
Diss. p. 20●.  and read whole Lines where no Letters can be seen, the Age of Tragedy, which is an important Matter can never be determined. 
p. 389.   Democritus. 
You are much besides the Mark old Friend, if you would have a Stone legible. A huge Marble would sell for nothing, if it had above a dozen Letters on it, 
Pref.  That's the Stone for Money that requires Spectacles, and an Iron-Feskew to make Letters where a Man can't find find. It is not a Critics business to read Marbles, but out of Broken pieces to guests at 'em, and then positively to restore 'em. As the misunderstanding of this at present, has caused you some disturbance; so the Contemplation of an Antiquary for the future, may create you very good Diversion.  Heraclitus. 
You seem not to have a just Relish of Antiquity, whilst I deplore those irreparable losses which time has occasioned. Not a Mortal now Breathing knows the shape of Nestor 's Cup, 
p. 115.  nor what were the Disputes of the Old Grammarians about it, since them any Treatises which were written upon that Subject are now perished and sunk in Oblivion.  Democritus. 
Well, I will procure you a Catalogue from Bentivoglio of such Books as have been lost and are found, such as have been lost and are not found; and in short, of such as have neither been lost nor found. But my Heart won't break as long as there are such Dissertations remaining, as  
The History of Coffee, Tea, Chocolate, and Tobacco.  
The Theological Collation occasioned by the words, Tirez, Mirez, Beus, that is, Take, Look, Drink, by the profound Scholar, Adrian Ʋander Blict.  
The Treatise of Northallerton Ale.  
The Interlude of Ale, Toast, Sugar, Nutmeg and Tobacco, with the Contest of Toast for having rubbed himself against Nutmeg.  
Learn to lie warm, proving the necessity for a Young Man to Marry an Old-Woman.  
These Writings to me supply the place of all Authors that have writ about the shape of Cups since the Reign of Saturn.  Heraclitus. 
Whilst in the mean time my Grief is insupportable!  Democritus. 
Come, put off your Chagrin, and take a little of my good Humour along with you. I will * 1. Rail with you, 2. Quibble with you, 3. Quote Proverbs with you, 4. Dispute with you, 5. Pun with you, 6. Cut Greek Capers with you, 7. tell a Gossip's Tale with you, 8. Sing a Smutty Catch with you. Any thing to divert you, and yet all shall be according to Art, and the exact Method of your Friend Bentivoglio. I see you look sour, and begin to frown upon me. How true a saying is it that one Man may steal a Horse with less danger, than another look over the Hedge. Should I do any of these things of my own Head, I know how I should be censured, and what would become of me. But when I act under the pretence of being a great Scholar, and the open protection of such an Authority as that of Bentivoglio, I dare be as Fanciful as any Dissertator of 'em all.  
* (1.) P. 408. If I say that Grass is green, or Snow is white, I am still at the Courtesy of my Antagonist; for if he should rub his Forehead, and deny it, I do not see by what Syllogism I should refute him. (2. p. 361. In a Body of Laws any Metaphor at all makes but an odd Figure. p. 277. Mr. B. is pleased to call that Dissertation my soft Epistle to Dr. Mill, which is Ironically said for hard, and indeed to confess the Truth, it is too hard for him to bite at. (3. p. 351. Such a Trade would have been as unprofitable as to carry Sylphium to Cyrene, or Frankincense to Arabia, or Coals to Newcastle. (4. p. 297. It is as if some Boy should thus argue with his Master, Pomum may signify Malum, an Apple, and Pomum may signify Cerasum a Cherry; therefore Malum an Apple, may signify Cerasum a Cherry. (5. p. 203. Stratonicus the Musician, made a Quibble about it, for as he once was in Mylasa, a City that had few Inhabitants in it, but a great many Temples, he comes into the Market place as if he would Proclaim something, but instead of 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, as the Form used to be, he said 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉. which is so good in Greek that it cannot be Translated. (6.) From p. 264. to 269. Make room there, for I am beginning a Dance that's enough to strain a Man's side with the violent Motion. Pollux says of the Dances of Women, they were to kick their Heels higher than their Shoulders. And in Phrynichus' way, Frisk and Caper, so as the Spectators seeing your Legs aloft, may cry out with admiration: With a Dissertation concerning an Error in Aristophanes, which has continued ever since Adrian's time, whether Phrynichus sneaks like a Cock, or rather strikes like a Cock. A very material Question! (7. p. 224. A certain Gossip of Old, as the Story goes, would needs tell her Comrades what Jupiter once whispered to Juno in her Ear. The Company was inquisitive how she could know it then: But Mr. B. would have answered for her, That they might as well ask her how she came to know his Name was Jupiter. Fame that told her the one, must tell her the other too. (8. p. 357. A Greek Song in Athaeneus. They are the words of a Woman to her Lover, that he would rise before her Husband comes home and catches 'em.   

Modern Learning.  Signior Moderno, Signior Indifferentio. Indifferentio. 
WHere have you been Moderno? in the Name of Wonder! you make such a hideous Figure, and are so Dirty, that no Gentleman would come near you? What has your Horse thrown you? Or what's the matter?  Moderno. 
The matter! Why I have been in a Ditch.  Indifferentio. 
By some Accident, I suppose.  Moderno. 
Accident! No, you know better sure than that. Gentlemen of my Estate, Fortune, Education, Parts and Learning, don't use to go into a Ditch by Accident, but choice. There has been more true Experience in Natural Philosophy gathered out of Ditches in this latter Century, than Pliny and Aristotle were Masters of both together, though one was of the first Quality in Rome, and the other was Master to the Founder of the third Monarchy *.  
* This is what our Age has seen; 
Reflections upon Ancient and Modern Learning. p. 313, 314.  and it is not the less admirable, because all of it, perhaps, cannot be made immediately useful to Humane Life: It is an excellent Argument to prove, That it is not Gain alone which biasses the Pursuits of the Men of this Age after Knowledge; for here are numerous Instances of Learned Men, who, finding other parts of Natural Learning taken up by Men, who, in all probability would leave little for After-comers, have, rather than not contribute their proportion towards the Advancement of Knowledge, spent a World of Time, Pains and Cost, in Examining the Excrescencies of all the Parts of Trees, Shrubs and Herbs, in observing the Critical Times of the Changes of all sorts of Caterpillars and Maggots, in finding out, by the Knife and Microscopes, the minutest Parts of the smallest Animals, Examining every Crevice, and goring in every Ditch, in tracing every Insect up to its Original Egg; and all this with as great Diligence, as if they had had an Alexander to have given them as many Talents, as he is said to have given to his Master Aristotle.  Indifferentio. 
But what may have been your Diversion in this Ditch?  Moderno. 
Why I have been a Tadpole hunting, and have had very good sport, only at last the Rain disturbed it, just as I had found out the seat of their Animal Spirits.  Indifferentio. 
Is it not a little too soon in the Season for Tadpoles?  Moderno. 
Something too soon, but a Man is sosatiated with the Winter Sports within Doors, 
Reflections upon Ancient and Modern Learning. v. p. 312.  as Rat-catching, Mouse-fleying, Crevice-searching for Spiders, Cricket dissecting, and the like; that the Spring leads us into the Fields upon its first approaches.  Indifferentio. 
Pray, Sir, have you not some Diversions peculiar to the Summer?  Moderno. 
Oh! yes! infinite, infinite! Maggots, Flies, Gnats, Buzzes, Chaffers, Humble-Bees, Wasps, Grasshoppers, and in a good Year Caterpillars in abundance.  Indifferentio. 
I thought some of these things did harm, especially Maggots and Caterpillars.  Moderno. 
How extremely a Man may be mistaken that has not Learning; the most useful Knowledge imaginable may be gathered from 'em by a Philosopher. 
Reflections upon Ancient and Modern Learning. p. 310. 311.  Goedartius and Swammerdam became Eminent for this business. Goedartius has given exact Histories of the several changes of great Numbers of Caterpillars into Butterflies and Worms; and Maggots into Flies, which had never before been taken notice of as specifically different.  Indifferentio. 
You inform me of things I was not so well versed in before.  Moderno. 
A Friend of mine has Studied all those Excrescences and Swellings which appear in Summertime upon the Leaves of tender Twigs, 
Ibid. p. 310.  Fruits, and Roots of many Trees, Shrubs, and Herbs, from whence several sorts of Infects spring, which are all caused by Eggs laid there by full grown Infects of their own Kind's. Another Friend of mine has made many Observations upon Infects that live, 
Reflections upon Ancient and Modern Learning. p. 310.  and are carried about upon the Bodies of other Infects, and oftentimes upon the Bodies of Rational Being's, whence he has given admirable Reasons, why Idle dirty Boys scratch their Heads, 
Ibid. p. 309.  and Beggars shrug their Shoulders. He has examined likewise abundance of those Infects which are believed to be produced from the Putrefaction of Flesh, those he found to grow from Eggs laid by other Infects of the same Kind's. He told me they were a very Prolific and Voracious sort of Animal, and that as for their Eggs, a Butcher would not give a Groat for ten Millions of them.  Indifferentio. 
So that it seems the Ancients eat their Meat as soon as they had killed it, but in after Ages the Women not being so good Housewifes' left the Maggots of Putrified Meat to be discerned by the Glasses of their Husbands.  Moderno. 
You seem to smile.  Indifferentio. 
I protest, Sir, I am as Grave as the things you discourse of will possibly give me leave. You may imagine I am better bred than to laugh at a Man that talks seriously as you do, in my Conscience.  Moderno. 
I am very glad to find you so well disposed. 
Reflections upon Ancient and Modern Learning. p. 27, 419.  For I think that all these excellent Men do highly deserve Commendation for these seemingly useless Labours, and the more, since they run he hazard of being laughed at by Men of Wit. For nothing wounds so much as Jest, and when Men once become Ridiculous, their Labours will be slighted, and they will find few Imitators. How far this may deaden the Industry of the Philosophers of the next Age, is not easy to tell.  Indifferentio. 
I hope I shall be no occasion of so great a Mischief as the deadning the Industry of the Philosophers in a Design so truly Noble. But, pray, since you have been so kind to inform me, let me understand something farther concerning the Knowledge of the Ancients, for I hitherto took them to be Men of Letters.  Moderno. 
Scarce that Sir, for I take Grammar to be necessary in the first place.  Indifferentio. 
Certainly, Sir!  Moderno. 
Now, 
Reflections upon Ancient and Modern Learning. p. 58.  I suppose it will be granted that if a Stranger understand the Language of a Native better than the Native himself, he ought to be preferred to him. Now I dare confidently affirm, That the Scholars of latter Ages, as Sanctius, Scioppius, Caninius and Clenard, have given evident Proofs how well they understood the Greek and Latin Tongue; besides, there are abundance of Grammatical Treatises, such as, Scholia upon Difficult Authors, Glossaries, Onomasticons, Etymologicons, Rudiments of Grammar, and the like. From all which, there seems Reason to believe that these Critics may have understood the Grammatical Construction of Latin, as well as Varro and Caesar, and of Greek, as well as Aristarchus, or Herodian.  Indifferentio. 
I had always such an Honour for Caesar, that I thought he was beyond being compared with Scioppius. But if it is so, I shall rest contented.  Moderno. 
It cannot well be otherwise, seeing there has been extraordinary Industry used in these latter Ages, insomuch, that Volumes have been written against some Letters, and in favour of H. and Z. that were in difficult Circumstances.  Indifferentio. 
I am glad those Letters got the better, for I have always had a particular Respect for 'em.  Moderno. 
As for Caesar, poor Gentleman, he is not so much to be blamed, for he did what he could, considering the Age he lived in: But that Age which others think so great for Learning and Empire, lay under several apparent Disadvantages. For I have often read Xenophon, Polybius, Tully, Q. Tacitus, to see what Rags might have been among the Ancients, but I cannot find (though I learn from Terence they had some) what use They put them to. 'Tis Demonstration that they made no Paper of their Linen Rags, 
Reflections upon Ancient and Modern Learning. p. 15.  and Caesar when he had Subdued France, and wrote his Commentaries, could not have Printed them if he would have pawned his Conquests.  Indifferentio. 
Were they so unhappy in all other Matters?  Moderno. 
Yes, Sir; I really pity the Ancients as to their Optics, Divinity, Tobacco, Cydar, Coffee, Punch, Sugar, and several other things, of which they were ignorant.  Indifferent. 
As how, Sir, I beseech you?  Moderno. 
It is undoubtedly to be believed, 
Ibid. p. 189, 190,  That Spectacles were not ancienter than Friar Bacon. Insomuch, that it must be a great loss to Learning, when old Gentlewomen could not Record their Receipts to Posterity. Besides, it is certain, That Monsieur Nuck first found out how the Watery Humour of the Eye may be, 
Ib. p. 219.  and is constantly supplied; for he discovered a particular Canal of Water arising from the internal Carotidal Artery, which creeping along the Sclerotick Coat of the Eye, perforates the Conrea near the Pupil, and then branching itself curiously about the Iris, enters into, and supplies the Watery Humour.  Indifferentio. 
The most ignorant may apprehend this very easily.  Moderno. 
To pass by the Philological Learning of the Moderns, 
p. 374. See Chap. 29. throughout.  I cannot but pity the Ancients as to their Divinity; They did not make Controversies so easy as the Moderns, and the Fathers, especially St. Chrysostom, seem to have been but indifferent Preachers.  Indifferentio. 
Hold, Sir, I beseech You do as You please, as to other things, but don't intermeddle with Religion. I that am a Layman will as soon give You leave to Publish Apollonius Tyanaeus. But, Pray, Sir, to proceed, let me hear what You have to say as to their Tobacco.  Moderno. 
Certainly that Tobacco ought here to be mentioned, 
Ibid p. 298.  can be questioned by none who know what a delight and refreshment it is to so many Nations, so many several ways. So that from Virginia and Brasil, we may be assured that the Modern Husbandry, is a larger, if not a more exact thing than the Ancient. It is strange to think what Inconveniences they were put to, Socrates was forced to ride upon a Hobby-Horse, and Scipio, and Laelius to play with Bounding Stones; because none of 'em had the Happiness to blow a Pipe with their Neighbours.  Indifferentio. 
This was Extremely hard for Men of their Quality.  Moderno. 
It was the faults of their Gardens.  Indifferentio 
I thought their Gardens had been Extremely fine, 
Ibid p. 302.  being spacious plaits of ground, fitted and surrounded with stately Walks of Plantans, built round with Porticoes, finely paved, Noble Rows, of Pillars, with Fishponds, Aviaries, Fountains, and Statues.  Moderno. 
This is True But then where were their Auriculas, 
P. 304.  Tulipas, Carnations, Jonquilles, Narcissuss, and that almost infinite diversity of Beautiful and Odoriferous Flowers, 
P. 305.  that now adorn our Gardens. Besides we have no Reason to think they understood much of that Beautiful Furniture which Dwarves and ever Greene's afford us.  Indifferentio. 
Their Gardens then could never have been pleasant.  Moderno. 
Impossible, when instead of the Sweet-smelling Holly, the shady Juniper, the Beautiful House-leek, the most Fragrant Box-Trees in Pots, they (like our English Ancestors) had nothing but Huge Walnut, Chesnut, and Warden Pear, and Pipin Trees in their Orchards, as high as their Garret Windows. But to return to Tobacco, their want of that spoiled all their Wit, Judgement, and Industry; for Consequently they could have no Tobacco-Boxes, Tobacco-Stoppers, or Snuff-Boxes; all which are the Tests, and Indications of a Man's Genius. A Large Tobacco-Box shows a Man of Great and Extensive Trade and Conversation, a small one well Japaned, shows a Gentleman of good Humour, that would avoid smoking for the sake of the Ladies; and yet out of Complaisance does it to oblige the Persons he Converses with. So as to Stoppers, if made of the Royal-Oke, it shows Loyalty; Glastenbury-Thorn, Zeal extraordinary: a Piece of Pipe, Humility: Silver, Pride; Black-thorn, Adversity: And the use of the little Finger, if the Pipe be well lightened, great Patience. Snuff-Boxes, were likewise wanting to the Ancients so that I cannot imagine how they could well have a Beau among them. The largeness of a Snuff-Box is a great Recommendation to a Young Gentleman; I knew a Person that got a great Fortune by the Merit of the Spring and Joint of his Snuff-Box, the Charms of it were irresistible, I would sooner take my Character of a Man from the Engraving, Painting, Enameling of his Snuff-Box, and the Choice of his Orangerie and Bergamott, than from his Discourse and Writings.  Indifferentio. 
I could not have thought the Ancients had been so Barbarous.  Moderno. 
Why then, Sir, I must declare freely, that I take them to be the most miserable People in the World. For as for Coffee, the most wholesome and pleasant Liquor in the World, they had not one drop of it, 
p. 298, 299.  which was the Reason why Cato, one of their Wisest Men was so often Overtaken with his Wine. Indeed what was an Empress without her Tea-Table? What Conversation could she have? I have known Ladies that would would not have Rivalled Statira in the favour of Alexander, if they might not have had their Quart of Chocolate in a Morning: But than it was impossible for the Greeks or Romans, to have had any good Sea-Commanders, since they could not have had any Aqua Vitae, or Brandy, since the Arabs first Extracted Vinous Spirits from Fermented Liquors.  Indifferentio. 
But then they had a vast affluence of other Delicacies for the use of Humane Life.  Moderno. 
Truly but moderate as to them, for in the first place, they had no Cydar, 
P. 296.  at least the Method of choosing the best Apples, such as Red-streaks, was unknown to them.  Indifferentio. 
Why then had I rather have been under-sheriff of Herefordshire than have had the Universal Votes of the Roman Senate, to have been Proconsul of Asia!  Moderno. 
But I will suppose they had several delicious Dainties. Yet what did they all signify without Sugar, 
P. 217.  which they did not know how to prepare. Apicius was a Man that understood eating after their Fashion, but it was Course and Ungenteel. Nothing that could be called a Sweetmeat came to his Table. Nay they were so unhappy, that when Cleopatra Treated Anthony with that which they then reputed to be Luxury, she was not able, when he came in Hot, to make him a Cool-Tankard. Nay, she had not an Orange or Limon to her Veal. 
P. 305,  Not a good Glass of Small-Beer, or Oat-Ale at the Table: 
397, 204, 305.  No Rose-Water to her coddlings: No Chiney-Orange for her desert, Nor Orange-flower-water to wash with after Dinner.  Indifferentio. 
These things would put any Person into a Passion. I shall endeavour to wait upon you some other time, to learn more of so kind an Instructor.  Moderno. 
I shall be glad to Communicate (though it were a large Volume of this kind) to the Public upon occasion. In the mean time, I think I have demonstrated, from the Ditches, Crevices, Tadpoles, Spiders, Divinity, Caterpillars, Optics, Maggots, Tobacco, Flies, Oranges, Lemons, Cydar, Coffee, and Linnen-Rags of the Moderns, that The Extent of Knowledge is at this time vastly Greater than it was in Former Ages. 
Reflections upon Ancient and Modern Learning. P. 405.    

THE DISSERTATOR.  Mac Flecknoe, Decker. Decker. 
YOU seem Thoughtful, Brother Flecknoe.  Flecknoe. 
Yes, I am Thoughtful.  Decker. 
What may you have been doing?  Flecknoe. 
Doing! Why the same as other Learned Men do, I have been Studying a great while, and doing nothing; for to tell you the truth, Brother Decker, I have been considering why the World should think my Poems, or your Works to be dull.  Decker. 
Why if I had had the Advantage of French Dancing-Master's, Italian Eunuches, and fine Scenes, my Plays, might for the Sense of 'em, have taken as much as some Modern Operas. But  
" Our Aged Fathers came to Plays for Wit, 
Prologue to the Generous Enemy.   
" And sat knee-deep in Nutshells in the Pit.  
" Course Hangings then, instead of Scenes were worn;  
" And Kidderminster did the Stage adorn.  
And then Johnson, 
Epilogue to the Maiden-Queen. By a Person of Honour.  and the rest of the Critics, were all my Enemies, but I took Heart of Grace, as well knowing, that Critics were the Scourge, and I the Top.  
" For as a Top will Spin the more you Baste her;  
" So every lash they gave I wrote the faster.  
But what think you of the Great Critic Bentivoglio?  Flecknoe. 
Why, I think my Epigrams to be as Witty as those he has retrieved from His Manuscript Anthology only, the Sense is more obscured by the Greek, and mine lies more open, because they are in my Native Language; would any one but Turn my Verses into Greek, 
Pref. p. 59  I would play 'em against e'er a Callimachus, 
Dissert. p. 209. 233. 302. 458, 459. 356, 357.  Dioscorides, Simonides or Nossis of them All. I have taken the pains to Translate one or Two of them that are most admired by Bentivoglio.  Decker. 
I have been upon the same Author, I have read above a hundred pages of him, about the Age of Comedy and Tragedy, and as we Wits are apt to be fired with Emulation, so I have made some few Notes towards an Essay, endeavouring at a Dissertation concerning Puppet-Shows. Which Remarks I will oblige you with, if you will please to communicate one of your Epigrams to me.  Flecknoe. 
You know, Brother, I can't deny you any thing. Sir, The case was this, Callimachus made an Epigram, 
Pref. p. 59  as it was supposed upon a Shipwreck. The Learned Madam Dacier was betrayed into this mistake, by the Greek Word Epelthon, and so was the Critic Bentivoglio, till at last, by the Sagacity of his Parts, and the Strength of his Genius, he found out, that Callimachus did not write upon a Shipwreck, but a Saltcellar, and that Eudemus must not be supposed to be delivered from storms at Sea, but that owing a great many Debts, he paid them off, by living sparingly upon Bread and Salt. The Diet of Poor People, and in Memory of it, he Dedicated his Saltcellar to the Samothracian Gods: The Epigram, he says, is very ingenious, and the Humour lies in the double meaning, and likeness of some Greeks Words, and the Whole is a Parodia. If you please, you shall have a Translation as I have made of it.  
" Eudemus, eating little Salt, set free  
" From Great and dangerous Storms of Usury.  
" To Samothracian Gods like Honest Feller,  
" Preserved by Salt, here offers his Saltcellar.  Decker. 
I suppose Eudemus was a Countryman, and therefore you use the Word Feller, rather than Fellow, out of choice, and not because the Rhyme constrained you to it.  Flecknoe. 
You take me right.  Decker. 
Well, if we were not of necessity to Commend the Wit of the Ancients, especially when restored by Learned Hands, I could have admired one of your Epigrams as much as this. Since you have been so obliging, I must perform my promise, although I have made but a small Scetch concerning Puppet-Shows.  
It is wonderful to think, 
Puppet-Shows. Dissert. p. 309.  that we should have so little an account among the Ancients of a matter of such moment, no Periods of time fixed, no Marble extant, nor any Manuscripts concerning these little Machine's which approach Human Nature, in the next degrees to Monkeys. I have often reproved the Negligence of the Magistrate upon this Occasion, that no Memorials should have been kept in their public Archives: No not so much as in the Pypowder Court at Smithfield. I am sensible, that when I Print my Dissertation, 
Dissert. p. 309.  I shall detain the Reader very long upon this Subject, tho' I hope the pleasure and importance of it, 
Scholar Arist. Hephast.  will excuse the Prolixity. When fair Rosoman first appeared as a Puppet, there was nothing between her and the Spectator, to hinder or amuse the Eyesight. Sandy's Waterworks, at first had the same Simplicity, but the Water flowing perpetually, gave the Spectators great Diversion, 
Swid. in Prat.  afterwards strings were found out by Devaux, and several other Scenes were introduced, the French Court was represented, Sarabrands were Danced, and Punch appeared with Quick and lively Motion in his Eyes, 
Scholar 〈◊〉▪  Activity in his Gesture, and Vivacity of Wit in his Expressions. Devaux increased the Stature of the Puppets, to almost the Bigness of Children. But that was after he had represented that admirable design of Love in a Pipkin. Though, I must confess, that after this, the Dutch Fight was represented and several Men of War were Sunk, with their Admiral, in an open Cistern. 
Plut.  Afterwards, as the Luxury of the Age increased, they brought Artificial Butterflies upon the Stage, and Serpents issued from Punch's Eyes, to the Amazement of the Spectators; Then Sedgemore came to the public View, Guns in Miniature managed the attack, and Bells of the Bigness of those at Horses-Ears, Proclaimed the Triumph. Thus they ran on to excess, and consequently to Poverty and Licentiousness, 
Athen.  till at last the Operator was forced to Snow Brown Paper instead of White, and Merry Andrew, who managed the Mob without Doors, was sent to Bridewell, for making free with his Betters. All this I design to Illustrate, with Infinite Scraps of lost Authors, and innumerable Quotations.  Flecknoe. 
The Design is most Admirable. When you publish, I will be ready with a Copy of Encomiastics. In the mean time let me repeat you another Epigram.  Decker. 
You know at all times how to be Agreeable.  Flecknoe. 
There was one Nossis a Poetress, little known in the World, who might have lain still in obscurity, if Bentivoglio had not discovered Her. He found out, that she was a Locrian, 
P. 355. 356.  that she lived about the hundred and fourth Olympiad; Her Mother's Name was Theuphilis, and Cleocha was her Grandmother.  Decker. 
Great Discoveries! Of a greater Family.  Flecknoe. 
Nay farther, she had a Daughter called Melinna, Or she might not have a Daughter so called, As a M.S. Epigram seems to show, for its possible she may mean there another's Daughter, and not her own. This Epigram Bentivoglio commends for its singular Elegancy. I have endeavoured that it may not lose any Spirit by my Version.  
" Melinna's self! How Charming is the Face  
" How soft the Look, How tender every Grace;  
" The Daughter's Features do the Mothers strike,  
" How fine for Parents to have Children like!  Decker. 
Why this is the common flattery of the Midwife at every gossiping.  Flecknoe. 
Besides, the Epigram contradicts the Known Proverb, that Boys should be like the Mother, and Girls their Fathers, if Born to good Fortune. Indignation hereupon flung my Muse into this Sarcastic Epigram.  
" Melinna is so like her Mother may be  
" It may forebode no kindness to the Baby.  
" Boy's should be like the Mother, Girls should rather  
" (If they would Fortune have) be like their Father.  Decker. 
Since you have obliged me so much, Brother Flecknoe, I cannot but communicate to you another Essay of mine concerning Strolers.  
Greece is Happy that it can settle the time when a Stage fixed, 
Plut.  was by Aeschylus, and Thespis' Cart became to be disused: But it is not so with the Britain's, for indeed their Stage has never been so tired, 
Tzetz.  but that Strolers, or Ambulatory Representations have had great share in their Interludes. 
Versteg.  The Wassail has been as ancient as the Saxons; It is a Lyric Poem, composed in Honour of the Goodman and Dame of the Family, sometimes it entered into Affairs of State, and sung of King Henry and the Miller; the Amours of King Edward and Jane Shore; together with her Misfortunes; 
Athen.  sometimes it spoke of Heroic Actions, as Chivy-Chase, and the London Apprentice. 
Swid.  It generally concluded with the praise of Hospitality, and good House-keeping, 
Scholar Ars.  and presenting one Bowl of Liquor in hopes of having it replenished with another.  
It was sung by one Voice, sometimes relieved by a second, and oftentimes, Persons of less Skill were able so to join as to fill up the Chorus, the Ode began at the Vestibule, or Porch of each considerable Farmer in the Parish, and the Epilogue was generally perfom'd with Minc'd-Pyes, and Roast-Beef, in the Hall of the same Mansion. 
Rym.  Afterwards when the Parish-Clerks of London, had for a great while together Acted several Interludes, the Clerks and Sextons of the Villages thought themselves not to be outdone in Ingenuity, and therefore revived that Diversion of Mumming, the Original of which is obscure, at least, must be searched for in Germany, where it continues in perfection. These appeared with Masks and unusual Habits, lest otherwise the meaness of their Persons might take away from the Character of those they represented. The Actors seldom more than Three; they generally went first to the Lord of the Manor, their place of Action in the Parlour, and their Reward usually enlarged with Plumb-Porridge and Cold Pudding. Another sort of Interlude is the Acting of Proverbs, its Antiquity is obscure, it is an Extempore Drama, the number of its Actors uncertain, they generally consist of the Children, Servants, and Tenants of a Family, and their reward good Cheer in general. There are very few of these, if any of the two latter committed to Writing. The two former seemed to have a stated time, as Christmas for their performance, the latter to have been occasional, as Wit and good Humour offered. The Whitsun-Ale seems to have been of the next Age to the Wassail. The Lord and Lady, their Hall, their Hospitality of Cakes and Ale, their Son, their Pages, their Organs, added extremely to the Grandeur of their performance. Their place of Action generally some Barn or Outhouse, for the Conveniency of Reception, not but that the whole Company go round to the Neighbouring Gentry, where the Action, besides the Moris-dancing, seems to be Mono-Prosope, the whole lies upon my Lord's Son, who raises Mirth by Proverbs, Riddles, Comic and Satirical Expressions, not without the Applause of his Parents and their Pages. The Reward is generally Cool Ale, with borage and Sugar, Gammon of Bacon, and New Cheesecakes. But to come to the more perfect Art of the Stage. Our Ancestors knowing what they were wanting in, generally contrived their Drama, so as to have least need of Decoration; of this sort is Gammer Gurton's Needle, where the Whole Epitrope, or turn of Affairs, depending upon Hodges' being pricked with the Needle in his Leathern Breeches, saves the trouble of costly Scenes and Machine's; Grim the Collier of Croyden, though of latter Date, yet had the same Advantage, and consequently both were Acted in any place as there was occasion. Crispin and Crispianus cost some more trouble, the Princes could ever borrow their Tools from any Journeyman Shoemaker, but then the Robes and Decorations of the Queens and Nobles, were forced to be carried up & down in Knapsacks. Notwithstanding the Stage had been settled for many Years, yet the Art of stroaling did, and will still continue: Nor has Shakespeare thought it unfit to introduce 'em as a Beauty in his Play of Hamlet. Nay, in these latter times the Newmarket Company has diverted Corporation after Corporation, and for the use of the Town-Hall, placed the Mayor, his Lady and Offspring in the side Boxes for Nothing. Bateman has not disdained to go from Smithfield to Southwark, and often down to Sturbridge. Nay, Greater Persons have from the Glories of the Theatre, retired into the Country, where the Kings of Brenford have been forced in the Rehearsal to come in the common way, for want of Clouds to come down withal, and the Famous Othello, together with his Father Brabantio, in a calico Nightgown, have pleaded their Cause before a Venetian Senate, Assembled in a place little bigger than a Parlour Chimney. I have shown you my Draught which I design to Illustrate with the Chronology of each Play, and an Account of such Interludes as have been Acted upon the Stages of Mountebanks which had infallibly been lost, if they had not been Collected into One Volume, by the industrious Mr. Kirkman, about the middle of this last Century.  Decker. 
Very Natural, I protest. You will oblige the World extremely with these Works.  Flecknoe. 
Well, Brother Decker, let us remain in hopes; who knows what time may do; as to the retrieving or gaining a Reputation. You have used hard Words, and they may stir up the Spirit of some Person in times to come, to write a Scholiast upon you as well as Aristophanes, and that may be a Rival to the Laborious Tzetzes. Who knows but I may have the fate of Nossis, and some Library-keepers, among his Dust, finding me out of Print, may oblige the World with a New Edition of my Works and discover that Wit and Elegancy, which was denied me by my Cotemporaries.  
FINIS.   

INDEX. TO THE DIALOGUES OF THE DEAD.  

Introduction.  
Dial. I. BY Charon and Lycophron Page 1  
Dial. II. Impudence, or the Sophist; By Phalaries and the Sophist 9  
Dial. III. Modern Achievements. By Butcher and Hercules 14  
Dial. IV. Self-Love, or the Beau. By Ricardo and Narcissus 20  
Dial. V. The Dictionary. By Hesychius and Gouldman 25  
Dial. VI Affection of the Learned Lady. By Bellamira and Calphurnia 30  
Dial. VII. Chronology. By Lily the ginger and Helvicus 38  
Dial. VIII. The Imposture. By Heraclitus and Democritus 43  
Dial. IX. Modern Learning. By Signior Moderno, and Signior Indifferentio 52  
Dial. X. The Dissertator. By Mac Flecknoe and Decker. 68