A PLEASANT comedy, Called WILY beguiled.  
The Chief Actors be these: A poor Scholar, a rich Fool, and a Knave at a shift.  
 
First Edition.  
AT LONDON, Printed by H. L. for CLEMENT KNIGHT: and are to be sold at his Shop, in Paul's Churchyard, at the sign of the Holy Lamb. 1606.   


Gripe: an Usurer.  
Ploddall: a Farmer.  
Sophos: a Scholar.  
Churms: a Lawyer.  
Robin goodfellow.  
Fortunatus: Gripes Son.  
Lelia: Gripes daughter.  
Nurse.  
Peter Ploddall: Ploddal's son.  
Peg: Nurse's daughter.  
Will Cricket.  
Mother Midnight.  
An old man.  
sylvanus.  
Clerk.    

SPECTRUM. THE prologue.  
WHat hoe, where are these paltry Players? still poring in their papers and never perfect? for shame come forth, your Audience stay so long, their eyes wax dim with expectation.  Enter one of the Players. 
How now my honest Rogue; what play shall we have here tonight?  Play. 
Sir you may look upon the Title.  Prol. 
What, Spectrum once again? Why noble Cerberus, nothing but patch-panel stuff, old gallimaufreys and cotton-candle eloquence? out you bawling bandog fox-furred slave: you dried stockfish you, out of my sight.  Exit the Player. 
Well 'tis no matter: I'll set me down and see't, and for fault of a better, I'll supply the plate of a scurvy Prologue.  
Spectrum is a looking glass indeed,  
Wherein a man a History may read,  
Of base conceits and damned roguery:  
The very sink of hell-bred villainy.  Enter a juggler. juggler. 
Why how now humorous George? what as necholy as a mantletree?  
Will you see any tricks of legerdemain, slight of hand, cleanly conveyance, or deceptio visus? what will you see Gentleman to drive you out of these dumps?  Prol. 
Out you soused gurnet, you Woolfist, be gone I say and bid the Players dispatch and come away quickly, and tell their fiery Poet that before I have done with him; I'll make him do penance upon a stage in a calves skin.  juggler. 
O Lord sir ye are deceived in me, I am no tile-carrier, I am a juggler.  
I have the superficial skill of all the seven liberal sciences at my singer's end.  
I'll show you a trick of the twelves, and turn him over the thumbs with a trice.  
I'll make him fly swifter than meditation.  
I'll show you as many toys as there be minutes in a month, and as many tricks as there be motes in the sun.  Prol. 
Prithee what tricks canst thou do?  juggler. 
Marry sir I will show you a trick of cleanly conveyance.  
Hei fortuna furim nunquam credo, With a cast of clean conveyance, come aloft jack for thy master's advantage (he's gone I warrant ye.)  Spectrum is conveyed away: and Wily beguiled, stands in the place of it. Prol. 
Mass an 'tis well done, now I see thou canst do something, hold thee there's twelve pence for thy labour.  
Go to that barm-froth Poet and to him say,  
He quite has lost the Title of his play,  
His calf skin jests from hence are clean exiled,  
Thus once you see that Wily is beguiled.  Exit the juggler. Prol. 
Now kind Spectators, I dare boldly say,  
You all are welcome to our Authors play:  
Be still a while, and ere we go,  
we'll make your eyes with laughter flow.  
Let Momus mates judge how they list,  
We fear not what they babble:  
Nor any paltry poet's pen,  
Amongst that rascal rabble.  
But time forbids me further speech,  
My tongue must stop her race:  
My time is come, I must be dumb,  
And give the actor's place.  Exit.  

WILY beguiled.  Enter Gripe, solus. 
A Heavy purse makes a light heart: O the consideration of this pouch, this pouch!  
Why he that has money, has heart's ease and the world in a string.  
O this red chink, and silver coin, it is the consolation of the World.  
I can sit at home quietly in my chair, and send out my angels by sea, and by land, and bid fly villains & fetch in ten in the hundred, I and a better penny too. Let me see, I have but two children in all the world to bestow my goods upon, Fortunatus my son & Lelia my daughter. For my son, he follows the wars, and that which he gets with swaggering, he spends in swaggering: but I'll curb him, his allowance whilst live shall be small, and so he shall be sure not to spend much: And if I die I will leave him a portion, that (if he will be a good husband and follow his father's steps) shall maintain him like a gentleman: and if he will not, let him follow his own humour till he be weary of it, and so let him go: now for my daughter she is my only joy, & the staff of my age, and I have bestowed good bringing up upon her (by’r lady): why she is e'en modesty itself, it does me good to look on her. Now if I can hearken out some wealthy marriage for her, I have my only desire.  
Mas, and well remembered, here's my neighbour Ploddall hard by, has but one only son, and (let me see) I take it, his Lands are better than five thousand pounds; now if I can make a match between his son and my daughter, and so join his Land and my money together, O 'twill be a blessed union. Well I'll in, and get a Scrivener, I'll write, to him about it presently: But stay here come M. Churmes the Lawer, I'll desire him to do so much.  Enter Churms. Churms. 
Good morrow M. Gripe.  Gripe. 
O good morrow M. Churms.  
What says my two debtor, that I lent 200. pound to? will they not pay use and charges of suit?  Churms. 
Faith Sir I doubt they are bankrupts: I would you had your principal.  Gripe. 
Nay I'll have all, or I'll imprison their bodies: But M. Churms there is a matter I would fain have you do, but you must be very secret.  Churms. 
O sir fear not that I'll warrant you.  Gripe. 
Why then this it is: my neighbour Ploddall hereby, you know is a man of very fair Land, and he has but one son, upon whom he means to bestow all that he has: Now I would make a match between my daughter Lelia and him; what think you of it.  Churms. 
Marry I think 'twould be a good match, but the young man has had very simple bringing up.  Gripe. 
Tush, what care I for that? so he have lands and living enough, my daughter has bringing up will serve them both. Now I would have you to write me a Letter to goodman Ploddall concerning this matter, and I'll please you for your pains.  Churms. 
I'll warrant you sir, I'll do it artificially.  Gripe. 
Do, good M. Churms, but be very secret, I have some business this morning, and therefore I'll leave you a while, and if you will come to dinner to me anon, you shall be very heartily welcome.  Exit Gripe. Churms. 
Thanks good sir I'll trouble you.  
Now 'twere a good jest if I could cozen the old Churl of his daughter, and get the wench for myself.  
Sounds I am as proper a man, as Peter Ploddall: and though his father be as good a man as mine, yet far fetched and dear bought is good for Ladies, and I am sure I have been as far as Cales to fetch that I have.  
I have been at Cambridge a Scholar, at Cales a Soldier, and now in the Country a Lawyer, and the next degree shall be a Connicatcher:  
For I'll go near to cozen old father share-penny of his daughter! I'll cast about I'll warrant him;  
I'll go dine with him, and write him his Letter,  
And then I'll go seek out my kind companion Robin Goodfellow, and betwixt us we'll make her yield to any thing.  
we'll ha' the common law oath to hand, and the civil law o'th' other:  
we'll toss Lelia like a tennis ball.  Exit. Enter old Ploddall, and his son Peter, an old man ploddal's Tenant, and Wil Cricket his son. Ploddall. 
Ah Tenant, an ill husband (by’r lady): thrice at thy house and never at home?  
You know my mind, will you give ten shillings more rent?  
I must discharge you else.  Old man. 
Alas Landlord, will you undo me? I sit of a great rent already, and am very poor.  Will. Cr. 
Very poor? you're a very Ass. Lord how my stomach wambles at that same word (very poor)! Father, if you love your son William, never name that same word very poor:  
For I'll stand to it, that its petty-larcency to name very poor to a man that's oath top of his marriage.  Oldman. 
Why son, art o'th' top of thy marriage, to whom I prithee?  Will. 
Marry to pretty Peg, mistress Lelia's nurses daughter.  
O 'tis the dapp'rest wench that ever danced after a Taber and pipe.  
For she will so heel it, and toe it, and trip it,  
O her buttocks will quake like a custard.  P. Ploddall. 
Why William, when were you with her?  Wil. 
O Peter does your mouth water at that?  
Truly I was never with her, but I know I shall speed.  
For other day she looked on me and laughed, and that's a good sign (ye know): and therefore old silver top, never talk of charging or discharging.  
For I tell you I am my father's heir: and if you discharge me, I'll discharge my pestilence at you. For to let my house before my lease be out, is cut-throatery: and to scrape for more rent is polepennery.  
And so fare you well good Grandsire Usury: come father let's be gone.  Exeunt Wil. and his Father. Ploddall. 
Well, I'll make the beggarly knaves to pack for this:  
I'll have it every cross, income and Rent too.  Enter Chr. with a Letter. 
But stay here comes one: O 'tis M. Churms.  
I hope he brings me some good news.  
M. Churms you're well met, I am e'en almost starved for money.  
You must take some damnable course with my Tenants: they'll say.  Churms.. 
Faith sir, they are grown to be captious knaves.  
But I'll move them with a Habeas corpus.  Ploddall. 
Do, good M. Churmes, or use any other villainous course shall please you.  
But what news abroad?  Churms.. 
●●●th little news: but here's a Letter which M. Gripe desires me to deliver you. And though it stand not with my reputation, to be a carrier of Letters, yet not knowing how much it might concern you, I thought it better something to abase myself, than you should be any ways hindered.  Ploddall. 
Thanks good sir, and I'll in and read it.  Exeunt Ploddall and his son. Manet Chu. Churms. 
Thus men of reach must look to live,  
I cry content, and murder where I kiss,  
Gripe takes me for his faithful friend,  
Imparts to me the secrets of his heart;  
And Ploddall thinks I am as true a friend,  
To every enterprise he takes in hand,  
As ever breathed under the cope of heaven:  
But dam me if they find it so,  
All this makes for my avail,  
I'll ha' the wench myself, or else my wits shall fail.  Exit. Enter Lelia and Nurse gathering of Flowers. Lelia. 
See how the earth (this fragrant spring) is clad,  
And mantled round in sweet Nymph Flora's robes.  
Here grows th' alluring Rose,  
Sweet Marigolds, and the lovely Hyacinth:  
Come Nurse, gather:  
A crown of Roses shall adorn my head,  
I'll prank myself with flowers of the prime,  
And thus I'll spend away my primrose time.  Nurse. 
Rufty-tufty, are you so frolic?  
O that you knew as much as I do, 'twould cool you.  Lelia. 
Why what know'st thou Nurse? prithee tell me.  Nurse. 
Heavy news i'faith mistress,  
You must be matched & married to a husband. ha, ha, ha, ha, a husband i'faith.  Lelia. 
A Husband, Nurse? why that's good news if he be a good one.  Nurse. 
A good one quotha? ha, ha, ha, ha: why Woman I heard your father say, that he would marry you to Peter Ploddall, that puckfist, that snudge snout, that Coal carrierly Clown. Lord, 'twould be as good as meat and drink to me, to see how the fool would woo● you.  Lelia. 
No, no, my Father did but jest: thinkest 〈…〉 I can stoop so low to take a brown bread crust, a clown that's brought up at the Cart?  Nurse. 
Cart quotha? ay, he'll cart you, for 〈…〉 tell how to court you.  Lelia. 
Ah Nurse, sweet Sophos is the man,  
Whose love is locked in Lelia's tender breast,  
This heart hath vowed, (if heavens do not deny,)  
My love with his entombed in earth shall lie.  Nurse. 
Peace Mistress, stand aside, here comes somebody.  Enter Sophos. Sophos. 
Optatis non est spes ulla potiri:  
Yet Phoebus send down thy tralucent beams,  
Behold the earth that mourns in sad attire,  
The flowers at Sophos presence 'gins to droop,  
Whose trickling tears for Lelia's loss  
Do turn the Plains into a standing Pool:  
Sweet Cynthia smile, cheer up the drooping Flowers,  
Let Sophos once more see a sunshine day,  
O let the sacred centre of my heart,  
I mean fair Lelia Nature's fairest work,  
Be once again the object to mine eyes.  
O but I wish in vain, whilst her I wish to see,  
Her Father he obscures her from my sight,  
He pleads my want of wealth,  
And says it is a bar in Venus' Court.  
How hath fond fortune by her fatal doom,  
Predestined me to live in hapless hopes,  
Still turning false her fickle wavering wheel!  
And Loves fair goddess, with her Circian cup,  
enchanteth so fond Cupid's poisoned darts,  
That love the only lodestar of my life,  
Doth draw my thoughts into a labyrinth,  
But stay:  
What do I see, what do mine eyes behold?  
(O happy sight) it is fair Lelia's face.  
Hail heavens bright nymph the period of my grief,  
Sole guidress of my thoughts and author of my joy.  Lelia 
Sweet Sophos welcome to Lelia,  
Fair Dido Carthaginians beauteous Queen,  
Not half so joyful was whenas the Trojan Prince,  
Aeneas, landed on the sandy shores  
Of Carthage confines as thy Lelia is,  
To see her Sophos here arrived by chance.  Sophos. 
And blessed be chance that hath conducted me, unto the place where I might see my dear,  
As dear to me as is the dearest life.  Nurse. 
Sir, you may see that Fortune is your friend.  Sophos. 
Yet Fortune favours fools.  Nurse. 
By that conclusion you should not be wife.  Lelia. 
Foul Fortune sometime smiles on virtue fair.  Sophos. 
'tis then to show her mUTABILITY:  
But since amidst ten thousand frowning threats  
Of fickle fortunes thrice unconstant wheel,  
She deigns to show one little pleasing smile,  
Let's do our best false Fortune to beguile,  
And take advantage of her ever changing moods.  
See, see, how Tellus spangled mantle smiles,  
And birds do chant their rural sugared notes  
As ravished with our meetings sweet delights.  
Since then their fits for love both time and place:  
Let love and liking hand in hand embrace.  Nurse. 
Sir the next way to win her love, is to linger her leisure.  
I measure my mistress by my lovely self, make a promise to a man, and keep it, I have but one fault, I near made promise in my life, but I stick to it tooth and nail: I'll pay it home i'faith.  
If I promise my love a kiss, I'll give him two: marry at first I will make nice, and cry fie, fie, and that will make him come again and again,  
I'll make him break his wind with come against.  Sophos. 
But what says Lelia to her Sophos love?  Lelia. 
Ah Sophos, that fond blind boy,  
That wrings these passions from my Sophos heart,  
Hath likewise wounded Lelia with his dart,  
And force perforce I yield the fortress up:  
Here Sophos take thy Lelia's hand,  
And with this hand receive a loyal heart.  
High jove that ruleth heavens bright Canopy,  
Grant to our love, a wished felicity.  Sophos. 
As joys the weary Pilgrim by the way,  
When Phoebus' waves unto the western deep,  
To summon him to his desired rest:  
Or as the poor distressed Mariner,  
Long tossed by shipwreck on the foaming waves,  
At length beholds the long wished haven,  
Although from far, his heart doth dance for joy:  
So Loves consent at length my mind hath eased,  
My troubled thoughts, by sweet content are pleased.  Lelia. 
My father recks not virtue,  
But vows to wed me to a man of wealth,  
And swears, his gold shall counterpoise his worth;  
But Lelia scorns proud Mammon's golden mines,  
And better likes of learning's sacred lore,  
Then of fond Fortune's glistering mockeries:  
But Sophos try thy wits, and use thy utmost skill  
To please my father, and compass his good will.  Sophos. 
To what fair Lelia will, doth Sophos yield content,  
Yet that's the troublous gulf my silly ship must pass:  
But were that venture harder to achieve  
Then that of jason for the golden fleece,  
I would effect it for sweet Lelia's sake,  
Or leave myself as witness of my thoughts.  Nurse. 
How say you by that, mistress? he'll do any thing for your sake.  Lelia. 
Thanks gentle love.  
But least my father should suspect,  
Whose jealous head with more than Argus eyes,  
Doth measure every gesture that I use,  
I'll in and leave you here alone,  
Adieu sweet friend until we meet again,  
Come Nurse follow me.  Exeunt Lelia and Nurse. Sophos. 
Farewell my love, fair fortune be thy guide.  
Now Sophos, now bethink thyself  
How thou mayst win her father's will to knit this happy knot.  
Alas thy state is poor, thy friends are few,  
And fear forbids to tell my fates to friend:  
Well, I'll try my Fortunes;  
And find out some convenient time,  
whenas her father's leisure best shall serve  
To confer with him about fair Lelia's love.  Exit Sophos, Enter Gripe, old Ploddall, Churms and Will. Cricket. Gripe. 
Neighbour Ploddall, and Master Churms, you're welcome to my house.  
What news in the Country, neighbour? you are a good husband, you ha' done sowing barley I am sure.  Ploddall. 
Yes sir an't please you, a fortnight since.  Gripe. 
Master Churms, what says my debtor? can you get any money of them yet?  Churms. 
Not yet sir, I doubt they are scarce able to pay, You must e'en forbear them a while, they'll exclaim on you else.  Gripe. 
Let them exclaim and hang and starve and beg, let me ha' my money.  Ploddall. 
Here's this good fellow too, Master Churms, I must e'en put him and his father over into your hands, they'll pay me no Rent.  Will. Cric. 
This good fellow quotha? I scorn that base, broking, brabbling, brawling, bastardly, bottlenosed, beetle-browed, bean-bellied name.  
Why, Robin Goodfellow is this same cogging, perifogging, crackeropes calfskin companion:  
Put me and my father over to him? old Silver top and you had not put me before my father, I would ha'—  Ploddall. 
What wouldst ha' done?  Will. 
I would have had a snatch at you, that I would  Churms. 
What art a dog?  Will. 
No: if I had been a dog, I would ha' snapped of your nose ere this, and so I should have cozened the D● of a marrowbone.  Gripe. 
Come, come, let me end this controversy.  
Prithee go thy ways in, & bid the boy bring a cup of Sack here for my friends.  Will. 
Would you have a sack Sir?  Gripe. 
A way fool, a cup of Sack to drink.  Will. 
O I had thought you would have had a sack to have put this lawcracking cogfoystin, in stead of a pair of stocks.  Gripe. 
Away fool, get thee in I say.  Will. 
Into the buttery you mean?  Gripe. 
I prithee do.  Will. 
I'll make your hogshead of Sack rue that word.  Exit Will. Cricket. Gripe. 
Neighbour Ploddall, I sent a Letter to you, by Master Churms, how like you of the motion?  Ploddall. 
Marry I like well of the motion: my son I tell you is e'en all the stay I have: and all my care is, to have him take one that hath something: for as the world goes now, if they have nothing they may beg.  
But I doubt he's too simple for your daughter. For I have brought him up hardly, with brown bread, fat bacon, puddings and souse, and (by’r lady) we think it good fare too.  Gripe. 
Tush man, I care not for that, you ha' no more children: you'll make him your heir, and give him your lands, will you not?  Ploddall. 
Yes, he's e'en all I have, I have nobody else to bestow it upon.  Gripe. 
You say well.  Enter Wil. Cricket and a Boy with Wine and a napkin. Wil. 
Nay here, you drink afore you bargain.  Gr. 
Mas, an 'tis a good motion: oy, fill some wine.  He fills them wine & gives them the napkin. 
Here Neighbour and M. Churms I drink to you.  Both. 
We thank you Sir.  Wil. 
Lawer wipe cleane: do you remember?  Churms. 
Remember, why?  Wil. 
Why since you know when.  Churms. 
Since when?  Wil. 
Why since you were bombasted, that your lubberly legs would not carry your lob cock body;  
When you made an infusion of your stinking excrements, in your stalking implements:  
O you were plaguy frayed, and foully rayed.  Gripe. 
Prithee peace Will. Neighbour Ploddall, what say you to this match: shall it go forward?  Ploddall. 
Sir, that must be as our children like.  
For my son, I think I can rule him:  
Marry, I doubt your daughter will hardly like of him, for God wot he's very simple.  Gripe. 
My daughter's mine to command, have I not brought her up to this?  
She shall have him: I'll rule the roast for that,  
I'll give her pounds and crowns, gold and silver:  
I'll way her down in pure angel gold,  
Say man, be't a match?  Ploddall. 
Faith, I agree.  Churms. 
But Sir, if you give your daughter so large a dowry, you'll have some part of his land conveyed to her by jointure.  Gripe. 
Yes marry that I will:  
And we'll desire your help for conveyance.  Ploddall. 
ay, good Master Churms, and you shall be very well contented for your pains.  Will. 
I marry, that's it he looked for all this while.  Churms. 
Sir, I will do the best I can.  Will. 
But Landlord: I can tell you news i'faith,  
There is one Sophos, a brave gentleman, he'll wipe your son Peter's nose, of Mistress Lelia, I can tell you he loves her well.  Gripe. 
Nay, I trow:  Will. 
Yes I know, for I am sure I saw them close together at Pupnoddie, in her Closet.  Gripe. 
But I am sure she loves not him.  Will. 
Nay, I dare take it on my death she loves him,  
For he's a scholar: and ware scholars, they have tricks for love i'faith, for with a little Logic & epitome colloquium they'll make a wench do any thing:  
Landlord, pray ye be not angry with me, for speaking my conscience.  
In good faith, your son Peters a very Clown to him:  
Why, he's as fine a man as a wench can see in a summers day.  Gripe. 
Well, that shall not serve his turn, I'll cross him, I warrant ye.  
I am glad I know it: I have suspected it a great while.  
Sophos? why, what's Sophos? a base fellow.  
Indeed he has a good wit, and can speak well,  
he's a scholar forsooth: one that has more wit than money,  
And I like not that: he may beg for all that.  
scholars? why what are scholars without money?  Ploddall. 
Faith, e'en like puddings without suet.  Gripe. 
Come, Neighbour, send your son to my house,  
For he shall be welcome to me:  
And my daughter shall entertain him kindly.  
What? I can, and will rule Lelia.  
Come let's in, I'll discharge Sophos from my house presently.  Exeunt Gripe and Ploddall and Churms. Will. 
A horn plague of this money,  
For it causes many horns to bud:  
And for money many men are horned.  
For when maids are forced to love where they like not,  
It makes them lie where they should not.  
I'll be hanged, if ere mistress Lelia will ha' Peter Ploddall,  
I swear by this button cap (do you mark)  
And by the round, sound, and profound contents (do you understand)  
Of this costly Codpiece, (being a good properman as ye  
see) that I could get her as soon as he, myself:  
And if I had not a months mind in another place,  
I would have a fling at her that's flat:  
But I must set a good holiday face on't,  
And go a-wooing to pretty Peg: well, I'll too her i'faith  
While 'tis in my mind; But stay, I'll see how I can woo before I go: they say, Use makes perfectness:  
Look you now, suppose this were Peg,  
Now I set my cap oath to side on this fashion (do ye see?) then say I,  
Sweet honey, bonny, sugar candy, Peg,  
Whose face more fair, than brock my father's Cow,  
Whose eyes do shine like bacon rind,  
Whose lips are blown of azure hue,  
Whose crooked nose down to her chin doth bow.  
For you know I must begin to commend her beauty,  
And then I will tell her plainly, that I am in love with her, over my high shoes, and then I will tell her that I do nothing of nights but sleep and think on her, and specially of mornings:  
And that does make my stomach so rise, that I'll be sworn, I can turn me three or four bowls of porridge over in a morning afore breakfast.  Enter Robin-Goodfellow. Robin Goodfellow. 
How now sirrah, what make you here, with all that timber in your neck?  Will. 
Timber? Sounds, I think he be a witch,  
How knew he this were Timber?  
Mass I'll speak him fair, and get out on's company: for I am afraid on him.  Robin. 
Speak man, what art afraid? what makest here?  Will. 
A poor fellow Sir, ha' been drinking two or three pots of ale at an alehouse, and ha' lost my way Sir.  Robin. 
O, nay then I see thou art a good fellow,  
Seest thou not Master Churms the Lawer today?  Will. 
No Sir, would you speak with him.  Robin. 
I marry would I.  Will. 
If I see him, I'll tell him you would speak with him.  Robin. 
Nay, prithee stay, who wilt thou tell him would speak with him?  Will. 
Marry you Sir.  Robin. 
ay, who am I?  Will. 
Faith Sir I know not.  Robin. 
If thou seest him, tell him Robin Goodfellow would speak with him.  Will. 
O I will Sir.  Exit. Wil. Cr. Robin. 
Mas, the fellow was afraid,  
I play the Bugbear wheresoe'er I come,  
And make them all afraid,  
But here comes Master Churms.  Enter Churms. Churms. 
Fellow Robin, God save you, I have been seeking for you in every Alehouse, in the Town.  Robin. 
What, Master Churms? What's the best news abroad? 'tis long since I see you.  Churms. 
Faith little news: but yet I am glad I have met with you.  
I have a matter to impart to you, wherein you may stand me in some stead, and make a good benefit to yourself: if we can deal cunningly, 'twill be worth a double fee to you, (by the Lord.)  Robin. 
A double fee? speak man, what be't?  
If it be to betray mine own father, I'll do't for half a fee:  
And for cunning let me alone.  Churms. 
Why, then this it is.  
Here is Master Gripe hard by, a Client of mine, a man of mighty wealth, who has but one daughter, her Dowry is her weight in gold.  
Now Sir, this old penny father would marry her, to one Peter Ploddall, rich Ploddall's son and heir.  
Whom though his father means to leave very rich,  
Yet he's a very Idiot and brown bread Clown:  
And one I know the wench does deadly hate,  
And though their friends have given their full consent,  
And both agreed on this unequal match.  
Yet I know that Lelia will never marry him:  
But there's another rival, in her love, one Sophos,  
And he's a Scholar,  
One whom I think fair Lelia dearly loves,  
But her Father hates him as he hates a toad,  
For he's in want, and Gripe gapes after gold,  
And still relies upon the old said Saw;  
Si nihil attuleris etc.  Robin. 
And wherein can I do you good in this?  Churms. 
Marry thus Sir:  
I am of late grown passing familiar with M. Gripe,  
And for Ploddall he takes me for his second self;  
Now Sir, I'll fit myself to the old crummy churl's humours, and make them believe I'll persuade Lelia to marry Peter Ploddall, and so get free access to the wench at my pleasure:  
Now oath other side I'll fall in with the Scholar, and him I'll handle cunningly too;  
I'll tell him that Lelia has acquainted me with her love to him:  
And for because her Father much suspects the same,  
He mews her up as men do mew their hawks,  
And so restrains her from her Sophos sight.  
I'll say, because she doth repose more trust,  
Of secrecy in me, then in another man,  
In courtesy she hath requested me,  
To do her kindest greetings to her Love,  Robin. 
An excellent devise, i'faith.  Churms. 
I Sir, and by this means, I'll make a very gull of my fine Diogenes.  
I shall know his secrets even from the very bottom of his heart:  
Nay more Sir, you shall see me deal so cunningly, that he shall make me an instrument to compass his desire;  
When God knows I mean nothing less.  
Qui nescit dissimulare, nescit vivere.  Robin. 
Why this will be sport alone,  
But what would you have me do in this action?  Churmes. 
Marry as I play with to hand, play you with other.  
Fall you aboard with Peter Ploddall,  
Make him believe you'll work miracles,  
And that you have a powder will make Lelia love him.  
Nay what will he not believe, and take all that comes (you know my mind)  
And so we'll make a gull of the one, and a goose of the other.  
And if we can invent any devise, to bring the scholar in disgrace with her: I do not doubt but with your help to creep between the bark and the tree, and get Lelia myself.  Robin. 
Tush man, I have a devise in my head already to do that:  
But they say her brother Fortunatus loves him dearly.  Churms. 
Tuthees out of the Country,  
He follows the drum and the flag.  
He may chance to be killed with a double Canon before he come home again:  
But what's your devise?  Robin. 
Marry I'll do this;  
I'll frame an Indictment against Sophos, in manner and form of a Rape, and the next Law day you shall prefer it; that so Lelia may loathe him,  
Her Father still deadly hate him,  
And the young Gallant her brother utterly forsake him.  Churms. 
But how shall we prove it?  Robin. 
Sounds we'll hire some Strumpet or other to be sworn against him.  Churms. 
Now (by the substance of my soul) 'tis an excellent devise.  
Well, let's in, I'll first try my cunning otherwise, and if all fail, we'll try this conclusion.  Exeunt. Enter Mother Midnight, Nurse and Peg. Mother M. 
I'faith Margot you must e'en take your daughter Peg home again,  
For she'll not be ruled by me.  Nurse. 
Why Mother? what will she not do?  Mother M. 
Faith she neither did nor does, nor will do any thing:  
Send her tuth market with eggs: she'll sell them and spend the money,  
Set her to make a pudding, she'll put in no suet,  
she'll run out of nights a dancing, and come no more home till day peep:  
Bid her come to bed, she'll come when she list.  
Ah 'tis a nasty shame to see her bringing up.  Nurse. 
Out you Rogue, you arrant etc.  
What know'st not thy Granam?  
I know her to be a testy old fool,  
she's never well, grunting in a corner.  Mother M. 
Nay she'll camp (I warrant ye) O she has a tongue.  
But Margot e'en take her home to your Mistress, and there keep her: for He keep her no longer.  Nurse. 
Mother pray ye take some pains with her, and keep her a while longer; and if she do not mend, I'll beat her black and blue, i'faith I'll not fail you Minion.  Mother M. 
Faith at thy request, I'll take her home and try her a week longer.  Nurse. 
Come on housewife please you Granam, and be a good wench, and you shall ha' my blessing.  Mother M. 
Come follow us good Wench.  Exeunt Moth. Mid. and Nurse: Manet Peg. Peg. 
ay, farewell, fair weather after you.  
Your blessing quotha? I'll not give a single halpenny for't,  
Who would live under a Mother's nose & a Granams tongue?  
A Maid cannot love, or catch a lip clip, or a lap clap, but here's such tittle tattle, and do not so, and be not so light, and be not so fond, and do not kiss, and do not love, and I cannot tell what,  
And I must love an I hang for't:  
A sweet thing is love She sings.  
That rules both heart and mind,  
There is no comfort in the World  
To Women that are kind.  
Well I'll not stay with her: stay quotha?  
To be yold and iold at, and tumbled, and tumbled, and tossed  
and turned as I am by an old Hag,  
I will not, no I will not i'faith.  Enter Will Cricket. 
But stay, I must put on my smirking looks and smiling countenance.  
For here comes one makes abomination suit to be my spruce husband.  Will. 
Lord, that my heart would serve me to speak to her, now she talks of her sprus'd husband.  
Well I'll set a good face on't,  
Now I'll clap me as close to her as jones buttocks of a close stool, and come over her with my rolling, rattling, rumbling eloquence.  
Sweet Peg, honey Peg, fine Peg, dainty Peg, brave Peg, kind Peg, comely Peg, my nutting, my sweeting, my Love, my dove, my honey, my bonny, my duck, my dear and my darling:  
Grace me with thy pleasant eyes,  
And love without delay:  
And cast not with thy crabbed looks  
A proper man away.  Peg. 
Why William what's the matter?  Will 
What's the matter quotha?  
Faith I ha' been in a fair taking, for you, a bot's on you.  
For other day after I had seen you, presently my belly began to rumble:  
What's the matter, thought I?  
With that I bethought myself, and the sweet comportenance of that same sweet round face of thine came into my mind:  
Out went I, and I'll be sworn I was so near taken, that I was feign to cut all my points.  
And dost hear Peg?  
If thou dost not grant me thy good will in the way of marriage;  
First and for most I'll run out of my clothes, and then out of my wits for thee.  Peg. 
Nay William I would be loath you should do so for me.  Will. 
Will you look merrily on me and love me then?  Peg. 
Faith I care not greatly if I do.  Will. 
Care not greatly if I do? what an answers that?  
If thou wilt say, I Peg take thee William to my spruce husband.  Peg. 
Why so I will, but we must have more company for witnesses first.  Will. 
That needs not: here's good store of young men & maids here.  Peg. 
Why then here's my hand.  Will. 
Faith that's honestly spoken: say after me.  
I Peg Pudding promise thee William Cricket,  
That I'll hold thee for mine own sweet Lily,  
While I have an head in mine eye, and a face on my nose, a mouth in my tongue, and all that a woman should have, from the crown of my foot, to the sole of my head,  
I'll clasp thee and clip thee, coll thee and kiss thee,  
Till I be better than nought, and worse than nothing:  
When thou art ready to sleep, I'll be ready to snort:  
When thou art in health, I'll be in gladness:  
When thou art sick, I'll be ready to die:  
When thou art mad, I'll run out of my wits:  
And thereupon I strike the good luck,  
Well said i'faith:  
O I could find in my hose to pocket thee in my heart.  
Come my heart of gold, let's have a dance at the making up of this match:  
Strike up Tom Piper. They dance.  
Come Peg I'll take the pains to bring thee homeward,  
And at twilight, look for me again.  Exeunt. Enter Robin Goodfellow, and P. Ploddall. Robin. 
Come hither my honest friend: M. Churms told me you had a suit to me,  
What's the matter?  Peter. 
Pray ye Sir is your name Robin Goodfellow?  Robin. 
My name is Robin Goodfellow.  Peter. 
Marry Sir I hear you're a very cunning man Sir;  
And sirreverence of your worship Sir, I am going a-wooing to one M. Lelia a Gentlewoman here hard by,  
Pray ye Sir tell me how I should be have myself, to get her to my wife.  
For Sir there is a Scholar about her:  
Now if you can tell me, how I should wipe his nose of her,  
I would bestow a fee of you.  Robin. 
Let me see't, and thou shalt see what I'll say to thee. He gives him money.  
Well, follow my counsel and I'll warrant thee,  
I'll give thee a love powder for thy wench,  
And a kind of Nux vomica in a potion, shall make her come off i'faith.  Peter. 
Shall I trouble you so far to take some pains with me?  
I am loath to have the dodge;  Robin. 
Tush fear not the dodge;  
I'll rather put on my flashing red nose, and my flaming face, and come wrapped in a calf skin and cry bo ho:  
I'll fray the Scholar I warrant thee.  
But first go to her, try what thou canst do,  
Perhaps she'll love thee without any further ado,  
But thou must tell her, thou hast a good stock, some 100. or 200. a year, & that will set her hard I warrant thee.  
For byth' Mass, I was once in good comfort to have cozened a Wench:  
And wots thou what I told her?  
I told her I had a hundred pound land a year, in a place where I have not the breadth of my little finger.  
I promised her to enfeoff her in 40. pounds a year of it: & I think of my conscience, if I had had but as good a face as thine,  
I should have made her have cursed the time that ever she see me.  
And thus must thou do, crack, and lie, and face,  
And thou shalt triumph mightily.  Peter. 
I need not do so, for I may say and say true,  
I have lands and living enough for a country fellow.  Robin. 
by’r lady so had not I, I was feign to overreach as many times I do.  
But now experience has taught me so much craft, that I excel in cunning.  Peter. 
Well Sir, then I'll be bold to trust your cunning,  
And so I'll bid you farewell and go forward,  
I'll too her, that's flat.  Robin. 
Do so: and let me hear how you speed.  Peter. 
That I will Sir.  Exit Peter. Robin. 
Well, a good beginning makes a good end,  
here's ten groats for doing nothing,  
Icon M. Churmes thanks for this,  
For this was his devise:  
And therefore I'll go seek him out, and give him a quart of wine,  
And know of him how he deals with the scholar.  Exit. Enter Churmes and Sophos. Churmes. 
Why? look you Sir, by the Lord I can but wonder at her Father,  
He knows you to be a Gentleman of good bringing up:  
And though your wealth be not answerable to his;  
Yet by heavens I think you are worthy to do far bet- than Lelia, yet I know she loves you dearly.  Sophos. 
The great Tartarian Emperor Tamor Cham,  
joyed not so much in his imperial Crown,  
As Sophos joys in Lelia's hoped-for love,  
Whose looks would pierce an Adamantine heart,  
And make the proud beholders stand at gaze,  
To draw loves picture from her glancing eye.  Chur. 
And I will stretch my wits unto the highest strain  
To further Sophos in his wished desires.  Sophos. 
Thanks gentle Sir. Enter Gripe.  
But truce a while, here comes her Father,  
I must speak a word or two with him.  speaks to himself. Churms 
I he'll give you your answer (I warrant ye)  Sophos. 
God save you Sir.  Gripe. 
O Mr. Sophos: I have longed to speak with you a great while,  
I hear, you seek my daughter Lelia's love,  
I hope you will not seek to dishonest me, nor disgrace my daughter.  Sophos. 
No Sir: a man may ask a yea,  
A Woman may say nay,  
She is in choice to take her choice:  
Yet I must confess I love Lelia.  Gripe. 
Sir I must be plain with you: I like not of your love,  
Lelia's mine, I'll choose for Lelia,  
And therefore I would wish you not to frequent my house any more,  
It's better for you to ply your book, and seek for some preferment that way, than to seek for a wife before you know how to maintain her.  Sophos. 
I am not rich, I am not very poor,  
I neither want nor ever shall exceed,  
The mean is my content, I live twixt two extremes.  Gripe. 
Well, well, I tell ye, I like not ye should come to my house, and presume so proudly to match your poor pedigree with my daughter Lelia, and therefore I charge you to get you off of my ground: and come no more at my house:  
I like not this learning without living, I.  Sophos. 
He needs must go that the devil drives.  
Sic virtus sine Censu languet.  Exit Sophos. Gripe. 
O Ma. Churms, cry you mercy Sir, I saw not you:  
I think I have sent the scholar away with a flea in his ear.  
I trow he'll come no more at my house.  Churms. 
No, for if he do you may indite him for coming of your ground.  Gripe. 
Well, now I'll home, and keep in my daughter,  
She shall neither go to him, nor send to him,  
I'll watch her (I'll warrant her,)  
Before God Master Churms, it is the peevishest girl, that ever I knew in my life, she will not be ruled I doubt.  
Pray ye sir, do you endeavour to persuade her to take Peter Ploddall.  Churms. 
I warrant ye, I'll persuade her: fear not.  Exeunt. Enter Lelia and Nurse. Lelia. 
What sorrow seizeth on my heavy heart?  
Consuming care possesseth every part:  
Heart-sad Erinnis keeps his mansion Here,  
Within the Closure of my woeful breast;  
And black despair with Iron sceptre stands,  
And guides my thoughts, down to his hateful Cell.  
The wanton winds with whistling murmur bear  
My piercing plaints along the desert plains,  
And woods and groves do echo forth my woes,  
The earth below relents in Crystal tears,  
When heavens above by some malignant course  
Of fatal stars are authors of my grief.  
Fond Love, go hide thy shafts in folly's den,  
And let the world forget thy Childish force,  
Or else fly, fly, pierce Sophos tender breast,  
That he may help to sympathize these plaints  
That wring these tears from Lelia's weeping eyes.  Nurse. 
Why, how now Mistress; what, is it love that makes you weep, and toss and turn so a-nights when you are in bed?  
Saint Leonard grant you fall not love sick.  Lelia. 
ay, that's the point, that pierceth to the quick,  
Would Atropos would cut my vital thread  
And so make lavish of my loathed life:  
Or gentle heavens would smile with fair aspect,  
And so give better fortunes to my love.  
Why, be't not a plague to be a prisoner to mine own father?  Nurse. 
Yes, ants a shame for him to use you so too.  
But be of good cheer Mistress: I'll go to Sophos every day I'll bring you tidings and tokens too from him (I'll warrant ye,) and if he will send you a kiss or two, I'll bring it, let me alone, I am good at a dead lift.  
Marry, I cannot blame you for loving of Sophos.  
Why, he's a man as one should picture him in wax.  
But Mistress, out upon'ns, wipe your eyes.  
For here comes another wooer.  Enter Peter Ploddall. Peter. 
Mistress Lelia, God speed you.  Lelia. 
That's more than we need at this time, for we are doing nothing.  Peter. 
I were as good say a good word as a bad.  Lelia. 
But it's more wisdom to say nothing at all, then speak to no purpose.  Peter. 
My purpose is to wive you.  Lelia. 
And mine, is never to wed you.  Peter. 
Belike, you're in love with somebody else.  Nurse. 
No, but she's lustily promised:  
Hear you: you with long rifle by your side, do you lack a wife?  Peter. 
Call you this a rifle? it's a good back sword.  Nurse. 
Why, than you with back sword, let's see your back.  Peter. 
Nay, I must speak with Mistress Lelia before I go.  Lelia. 
What would you with me?  Peter. 
Marry, I have heard very well of you, and so has my father too.  
And he has sent me to you a-wooing,  
And if you have any mind of marriage,  
I hope I shall maintain you as well as any husbandman's wife in the Country.  Nurse. 
Maintain her with what?  Peter. 
Marry, with my Lands and livings my father has promised me.  Lelia. 
I have heard much of your wealth: but I never, knew your manners before now.  Peter. 
Faith, I have no Manors, but a pretty homestall, and we have great store of Oxen, and Horses, and Carts, and Ploughs, and household stuff abomination:  
And great flocks of sheep, and flocks of Geese, and Capons, and Hens, and Ducks; O, we have a fine yard of Pullen.  
And thank God: here's a fine weather for my father's Lambs.  Lelia. 
I cannot live content in discontent.  
For as no music can delight the ears,  
Where all the parts of Discords are composed:  
So wedlock bands will still consist in jars,  
Where in condition there's no sympathy.  
Then rest yourself contented with this answer,  
I cannot love.  Peter. 
It's no matter what you say. For my father told me thus much before I came, that you would be something nice at first: but he bade me like you near the worse for that for I were the liker to speed.  Lelia. 
Then you were best leave of your suit till some other time: and when my leisure serves me to love you, I'll send you word.  Peter. 
Will you? well then I'll take my leave of you, and if I may hear from you, I'll pay the messenger well for his pains.  
But stay: God's death, I had almost forgot myself.  
Prayee let me kiss your hand ere I go.  Nurse. 
Faith Mistress, his mouth runs a water for a kiss: a little would serve his turn belike.  
Let him kiss your hand.  Lelia. 
I'll not stick for that.  He kiss her hand. Peter. 
Mistress Lelia, God be with you.  Lelia. 
Farewell Peter. Exit Peter.  
Thus Lucre, set in golden Chair of state,  
When learning's bid, Stand by, and keeps a loof:  
This greedy humour fits my father's vain,  
Who gapes for nothing but for golden gain.  Enter Chur. Nurse. 
Mistress take heed you speak nothing that will bear action, for here comes Master Churms the Pettifogger.  Churms. 
Mistress Lelia rest you merry,  
What's the reason you and your Nurse walk here all alone?  Lelia. 
Because, Sir, we desire no other company but our own.  Churms. 
Would I were then your own,  
That I might keep you company.  Nurse. 
O Sir, you and he that is her own are far asunder.  Churms. 
But if she please, we may be nearer.  Lelia. 
That cannot be: mine own is nearer than myself.  
And yet myself, alas, am not mine own:  
Thoughts, fears, despairs, ten thousand dreadful dreams:  
Those are mine own, and these do keep me company.  Churms. 
Before God, I must confess, your father is too cruel,  
To keep you thus sequestered from the world,  
To spend your prime of youth thus in obscurity,  
And seek to wed you to an Idiot fool  
That knows not how to use himself:  
Could my deserts but answer my desires,  
I swear by Sol fair Phoebus silver eye,  
My heart would wish no higher to aspire,  
Than to be graced with Lelia's love.  
By jesus, I cannot play the dissembler,  
And woo my love with courting ambages,  
Like one whose love hangs on his smooth tongues end,  
But in a word, I tell the sum of my desires,  
I love fair Lelia.  
By her my passions daily are increased,  
And I must die, unless by Lelia's love they be released.  Lelia. 
Why Master Churms, I had thought you had been my father's great Counsellor in all these actions.  Churms. 
Nay, Damn me if I be:  
By heavens, sweet Nymph I am not.  Nurse. 
Master Churms, you are one can do much with her father: and if you love her as you say, persuade him to use her more kindly, and give her liberty to take her choice, for these made marriages prove not well.  Churms. 
I protest I will.  Lelia. 
So Lelia shall accept thee as her friend:  
meanwhile, Nurse let's in:  
My long absence I know, will make my father muse.  Exeunt Lelia and Nurse. Churms. 
So Lelia shall accept thee as her friend?  
Who can but ruminate upon these words?  
Would she had said, her love:  
But 'tis no matter: first creep and then go,  
Now her friend: the next degree is Lelia's love.  
Well, I'll persuade her father to let her have a little more liberty.  
But soft: I'll none of that neither,  
So the Scholar may chance cozen me.  
Persuade him to keep her in still:  
And before she'll have Peter Ploddall, she'll have anybody, and so I shall be sure that Sophos shall never come at her.  
Why I'll warrant ye, she'll be glad to run away with me at length.  
Hang him, that has no shifts.  
I promised Sophos, to further him in his suit:  
But if I do, I'll be pecked to death with hens.  
I swore to Gripe, I would persuade Lelia, to love Peter Ploddall.  
But God forgive me, 'twas the furthest end of my thought.  
Tut, what's an oath? every man for himself.  
I'll shift for one, I warrant ye.  Exit. Enter Fortunatus, Solus. Fortu. 
Thus have I passed the beating billows of the sea,  
By ithac's rocks, and watery Neptune's bounds,  
And wafted safe, from Mars his bloody fields  
Where trumpets sound Tantara to the fight,  
And here arrived for to repose myself,  
Upon the borders of my native soil.  
Now Fortunatus bend thy happy course,  
Unto thy father's house, to greet thy dearest friends.  
And if that still thy aged sire survive  
Thy presence will revive his drooping sprites,  
And cause his withered cheeks be sprent with youthful blood,  
Where death of late was portrayed to the quick.  
But soft, who comes here?  Stand aside. Enter Robin Goodfellow. Robin. 
I wonder I hear not of Master Churms,  
I would fain know how he speeds,  
And what success he has in Lelia's love:  
Well, if he cozen the Scholar of her,  
'twould make my worship laugh:  
And if he have her, he may say god a mercy Robin Goodfellow.  
O ware a good head as long as you live.  
Why, Master Gripe he casts beyond the moon,  
And Churms is the only man, he puts in trust with his daughter, and (I'll warrant) the old Churl would take it upon his salvation, that he will persuade her to marry Peter Ploddall:  
But I'll make a fool of Peter Ploddall,  
I'll look him i'th' face and pick his purse,  
Whilst Churms cozen him of his wench,  
And my old grandsire Holdfast of his daughter.  
And if he can do so:  
I'll teach him a trick to cozen him of his gold too.  
Now for Sophos, let him wear the willow garland,  
And play the melancholy Malcontent  
And pluck his hat down in his sullen eyes,  
And think on Lelia, in these desert groves:  
'tis enough for him to have her, in his thoughts;  
Although he near embrace her in his arms.  
But now, there's a fine devise comes in my head,  
To scar the Scholar:  
You shall see, I'll make fine sport with him.  
They say, that every day he keeps his walk  
Amongst these woods and melancholy shades,  
And on the bark of every senseless tree  
In graves the tenor of his hapless hope.  
Now when he's at Venus' altar at his Orisons;  
I'll put me on my great carnation nose  
And wrap me in a rousing calfskin suit,  
And come like some Hob goblin or some devil,  
Ascended from the griefly pit of hell:  
And like a Scarbabe make him take his legs:  
I'll play the devil, I warrant ye.  Exit Robin Goodfellow Fortunatus. 
And if you do: (by this hand) I'll play the conjuror.  
Blush Fortunatus, at thy base conceit,  
To stand aloof, like one that's in a trance,  
And with thine eyes behold that miscreant Imp  
(Whose tongue more venom than the serpent's sting)  
Before thy face thus taunt thy dearest friends,  
I, thine own father with reproachful terms,  
Thy Sister Lelia, she is bought and sold,  
And learned Sophos, thy thrice vowed friend,  
Is made a stale by this base cursed Crew  
And damned den of vagrant run agates.  
But here in sight of sacred heavens I swear,  
By all the sorrows of the Stygian souls,  
By Mars his bloody blade and fair Bellona's bowers  
I vow, these eyes shall near behold my father's face,  
These feet shall never pass these desert plains:  
But Pilgrim like I'll wander in these woods  
Until I find out Sophos secret walks,  
And sound the depth of all their plotted drifts,  
Nor will I cease until these hands revenge  
Th'injurious wrong that's offered to my friend,  
Upon the workers of this stratagem.  Exit. Enter Peg, Sola. Peg. 
I'faith, i'faith, I cannot tell what to do,  
I love, and I love, and I cannot tell who, Out upon this love.  
For what you what? I have suitors comes huddle, twoes upon twoes, and threes upon threes, and what think you troubles me?  
I must chat and kiss with all comers, or else no bargain.  Enter Wil Cricket, and kisses her. Will. 
A bargain i'faith: ha my sweet honey sops how dost thou?  Peg. 
Well I thank you William, now I see you're a man of your word.  Will. 
A man of my word quotha? why I near broke promise in my life that I kept.  Peg. 
No William I know you did not,  
But I had thought you had forgotten me.  Will. 
Dost hear Peg? if ere I forget thee,  
I pray God I may never remember thee.  Peg. 
Peace here comes my Granam Midnight.  Enter Mother Midnight. Mother M. 
What Peg? what ho? what Peg I say?  
what Peg my wench?  
Why where art thou trow?  Peg. 
Here Granam, at your elbow.  Moth. M. 
What mak'st here this twatter light?  
I think thart in a dream,  
I think the fool haunts thee.  Will. 
Sounds, fool in your face: fool? O monstrous intitulation:  
Fool? O disgrace to my person: sounds, fool not me, for I cannot brook such a cold rasher I can tell you: give me but such another word, and I'll be thy tooth-drawer e'en of thy butter tooth, thou toothless trot thou.  Moth. M. 
Nay William pray ye be not angry, you must bear with old folks,  
They be old and tasty, hot and hasty: set not your wit against mine William,  
For I thought you no harm by my troth.  Will. 
Well, your good words have something laid my collar.  
But Granam shall I be so bold to come to your house now and then to keep Peg company?  Moth. M. 
ay, and beshrew thy good heart and thou dost not.  
Come, and we'll have a piece of a barley bagpudding or something,  
And thou shalt be very heartily welcome that thou shalt,  
And Peg shall bid thee welcome too: pray ye maid bid him welcome and make much on him, for by my vay he's a good proper springold  Peg. 
Granam: if you did but see him dance 'twould do your heart good:  
Lord, 'twould make anybody love him, to see how finely he'll foot it.  Moth. M. 
William, prithee go home to my house with us, and taste a cup of our beer, and learn to know the way, again another time.  Will. 
Come on Granam, I'll man you home i'faith: Come Peg.  Exeunt. Enter Gripe, old Ploddall, and his son Peter and Churmes the Lawyer. Ploddal. 
Come hither Peter, hold up your head: where's your cap and leg sir boy, ha?  Peter. 
By your leave master Gripe.  Gripe. 
Welcome Peter, give me thy hand: thart welcome; by’r lady, this a good proper tall fellow, Neighbour? call you him a boy?  Ploddall. 
A good pretty squat square springold Sir.  Gripe. 
Peter, you ha' seen my daughter I am sure: how do you like her?  
What says she to you?  Peter. 
Faith I like her well, and I have broken my mind to her, and she would say neither I nor no;  
But, thank God Sir, we parted good friends,  
For she let me kiss her hand and bad Farewell Peter.  
And therefore I think I am like enough to speed: how think you Master Churms?  Churms. 
Marry I think so too,  
For she did show no token of any dislike of your motion, did she?  Peter. 
No not a whit Sir.  Churms. 
Why, then I warrant ye:  
For we hold in our Law, that Idem est non apparere & non esse.  Gripe. 
Master Churms, I pray you do so much as call my daughter hither,  
I will make her sure here to Peter Ploddall, and I'll desire you to be a witness.  Churms. 
With all my heart Sir.  Exit Churms. Gripe. 
Before God, neighbour, this same Master Churms is a very good Lawer: for I'll warrant, you cannot speak any thing, but he has law for it ad unguem,  Ploddall. 
Marry e'en the more joy on him,  
And he's one that I am very much beholding to:  
But here comes your daughter.  Enter Churms, Lelia and Nurse. Lelia. 
Father did you send for me?  Gripe. 
I wench I did, come hither Lelia, give me thy hand.  
Mr. Churms, I pray you bear witness,  
I here give Lelia to P. Ploddall. She plucks away her hand.  
How now?  Nurse. 
she'll none she thanks you Sir.  Gripe. 
Will she not? why how now I say?  
What? you puling peevish thing, you untoward baggage?  
Will you not be ruled by your Father?  
Have I ta'en care to bring you up to this?  
And will you do as you list?  
Away I say, hang, starve, beg; be gone, pack I say: out of my sight,  
Thou near getst pennyworth of my goods, for this:  
Think on't, I do not use to jest: Exeunt Lelia, and Nurse.  
Be gone I say; I will not hear thee speak.  Churms. 
I pray you Sir patient yourself: she's young.  Gripe. 
I hold my life this beggarly Scholar hankers about her still, makes her so untoward:  
But I'll home, I'll set her a harder task:  
I'll keep her in, and look to her a little better than I ha' done,  
I'll make her have little mind of gadding, I warrant her.  
Come Neighbour, send your son to my house, for he's welcome thither, and shall be welcome, and I'll make Lelia bid him welcome too ere I ha' done with her:  
Come Peter follow us.  Exeunt all, but Churmes. Churms. 
Why this is excellent, better and better still,  
This is beyond expectation:  
Why now this gear begins to work,  
But beshrew my heart, I was afraid that Lelia would have yielded, when I saw her father take her by the hand & call me for a witness, my heart began to quake.  
But to say the truth she had little reason to take a Cullian, lugloaf, milksop stave;  
When she may have a Lawyer, a Gentleman, that stands upon his reputation in the Country:  
One whose diminutive defect of Law may compare with his little Learning.  
Well: I see that Churmes must be the man must carry Lelia when all's done.  Enter Robin Goodfellow. Robin. 
How now Master Churmes, what news abroad? methink you look very spruce: you're very frolic now a late.  Churms. 
What fellow Robin, how goes the squares with you?  
youare waxen very proud o'late, you will not know your old friends.  Robin. 
Faith I e'en came to seek you, to bestow a quart of wine of you.  Churms. 
That's strange: you were near wont to be so liberal.  Robin. 
Tush man, one good turn asks another: clear gains man, clear gains:  
Peter Ploddall shall pay for all: I have gulled him once,  
And I'll come over him again and again, I warrant ye.  Churms. 
Faith, Lelia has e'en given him the doff off here, and has made her father almost stark mad.  Robin. 
O all the better: than I shall be sure of more of his custom.  
But what success have you in your suit with her?  Churms. 
Faith all hitherto goes well,  
I have made the motion to her,  
But as yet we are grown to no conclusion:  
But I am in very good hope.  Robin. 
But do you think you shall get her father's good will?  Churmes. 
Tut, if I get the wench I care not for that:  
That will come afterward:  
And I'll be sure of something in the mean time.  
For I have outlawed a great number of his debtors,  
And I'll gather up what money I can amongst them,  
And Gripe shall near know of it neither.  Robin. 
ay, and of those that are scarce able to pay,  
Take the one half and forgive them the other, rather than sit out at all.  Churmes. 
Tush let me alone for that:  
But sirrah I have brought the Scholar into a fools Paradise:  
Why he has made me his spokesman to M. Lelia,  
And Gods my judge I near so much as name him to her.  Robin. 
O byth' Mass well remembered,  
I'll tell you what I mean to do,  
I'll attire myself fit for the same purpose,  
Like to some hellish Hag or damned fiend,  
And meet with Sophos wandering in the woods,  
O I shall fray him terribly.  Churms. 
I would thou couldst scar him out of his wits:  
Then should I ha' the wench cock sure,  
I doubt nobody but him.  Robin. 
Well, let's go drink together;  
And then I'll go put on my devilish robes,  
I mean my Christmas Calves skin suit,  
And then walk to the woods,  
O I'll terrify him I warranty.  Enter Sophos, solus. Sophos. 
Will heavens still smile at Sophos miseries,  
And give no end to my uncessant moans?  
These Cypress shades are witness of my woes,  
The senseless trees do grieve at my laments,  
The levy branches drop sweet Myrrha's tears,  
For love did scorn me in my mother's womb,  
And sullen Saturn pregnant at my birth,  
With all the fatal stars conspired in one,  
To frame a hapless constellation,  
Presaging Sophos luckless destiny.  
Here, here, doth Sophos turn Ixions restless wheel,  
And here lies wrapped in labyrinths of love.  
Of his sweet Lelia's love whose sole Idea still  
Prolongs the hapless date of Sophos hopeless life:  
Ah, said I life? a life far worse than death.  
Then death? I then ten thousand deaths.  
I daily die, in that I live loves thrall,  
They die thrice happy, that once die for all.  
Here will I stay my weary wandering steps,  
And lay me down upon this solid earth, He lies down.  
The mother of despair and baleful thoughts,  
ay, this befits my melancholy moods:  
Now now methinks I hear the pretty birds,  
With warbling tunes record fair Lelia's name,  
Whose absence makes warm blood drop from my heart,  
And forceth watery tears from these my weeping eyes,  
methinks I hear the silver sounding streams,  
With gentle murmur summon me to sleep,  
Singing a sweet melodious lullaby:  
Here will I take a nap and drown my hapless hopes,  
In the Ocean seas of Never like to speed.  He falls in a slumber and Music sounds. Enter sylvanus. sylvanus. 
Thus hath sylvanus left his levy bowers,  
Drawn by the sound of echoes sad reports,  
That with shrill notes and high resounding voice,  
Doth pierce the very Caverns of the earth,  
And rings through hills and dales the sad laments  
Of virtues loss and Sophos mournful plaints.  
Now Morpheus, rouse thee from thy sable den,  
Charm all his senses with a slumbering trance,  
Whilst old sylvanus send a lovely train  
Of Satyrs, dryads, and watery Nymphs,  
Out of their bowers to tune their silver strings,  
And with sweet sounding music sing.  
Some pleasing Madrigals and Rondelays,  
To comfort Sophos in his deep distress.  Exit sylvanus. Enter the Nymphs and satires singing. 

THE song.  

1  
satires sing, let sorrow keep her Cell,  
Let warbling Echoes ring,  
And sounding music yell  
Through hills, through dales, sad grief and care to kill  
In him long since alas hath grieved his fill.   

2  
Sleep no more, but wake and live content,  
Thy grief the Nymphs deplore,  
The Sylvan gods lament  
To hear, to see thy moan, thy loss thy love:  
Thy plaints, to tears, the flinty rocks do move.   

3  
Grieve not then, the Queen of Love is mild,  
She sweetly smiles on men,  
When reasons most beguiled:  
Her looks, her smiles, are kind, are sweet, are fair,  
Awake therefore and sleep not still in care.   

4  
Love intends, to free thee from annoy  
His Nymphs sylvanus sends,  
To bid thee live in joy,  
In hope, in joy, sweet love delights embrace,  
Fair love herself will yield thee so much grace.    Exeunt the Nymphs and satires. Sophos. 
What do I hear? what harmony is this?  
With silver sound that glutteth Sophos ears?  
And drives sad passions from his heavy heart,  
Presaging some good future hap shall fall,  
After these blustering blasts of discontent:  
Thanks gentle Nymphs and satires too adieu,  
That thus compassionate a loyal lovers woe,  
When heavens sit smiling at his dire mishaps.  Enter Fortunatus. Fortunatus. 
With weary steps I trace these desert groves  
And search to find out Sophos secret walks,  
My truest vowed friend and Lelia's dearest love.  
Soph. What voice is this sounds Lelia's sacred name? He riseth.  
Is it some Satire that hath viewed her late,  
And's grown enamoured of her gorgeous hue?  Fortunatus. 
No Satire Sophos; but thy ancient friend,  
Whose dearest blood doth rest at thy command.  
Hath sorrow lately bleared thy watery eyes,  
That thou forgettest the lasting league of love,  
Long since was vowed betwixt thyself and me?  
Look on me man: I am thy friend.  
Sophos. O now I know thee, now thou namest my friend:  
I have no friend to whom I dare  
unload the burden of my grief,  
But only Fortunatus, he's my second self,  
Mi Fortunateter Fortunate venis.  Fort. 
How fares my friend? methinks you look not well:  
Your eyes are sunk, your cheeks look pale and wan,  
What means this alteration?  Sophos. 
My mind sweet friend is like a mastless ship,  
That's huld and tossed upon the surging seas,  
By borea's bitter blasts and Aeol's whistling winds,  
On Rocks and sands, far from the wished port  
Whereon my silly ship desires to land,  
Fair Lelia's love that is the wished haven,  
Wherein my wandering mind would take repose,  
For want of which my restless thoughts are tossed:  
For want of which, all Sophos joys are lost.  Fort. 
Doth Sophos love my sister Lelia?  Sophos. 
She, she, it is whose love I wish to gain:  
Nor need I wish, nor do I love in vain,  
My love she doth repay with equal meed:  
'tis strange you'll say that Sophos should not speed.  Fortunatus. 
Your love repaid with equal meed?  
And yet you languish still in love? 'tis strange:  
From whence proceeds your grief? unfold unto your friend,  
A friend may yield relief.  Sophos. 
My want of wealth is author of my grief,  
Your father says, my state is too, too low.  
I am no hobby bred; I may not soar so high, as Lelia's love:  
The lofty Eagle will not catch at flies.  
When I with Icarus would soar against the Sun  
He is the only fiery Phaeton denies my course,  
And fears my waxen wings, whenas I soar aloft:  
He mews fair Lelia up from Sophos sight,  
That not so much as paper pleads remorse:  
Thrice three times Sol hath slept in Thetis lap,  
Since these mine eyes beheld sweet Lelia's face.  
What greater grief? what other Hell than this?  
To be denied to come where my beloved is.  Fortunatus. 
Do you alone love Lelia?  
Have you no rivals with you in your love?  Sophos. 
Yes, only one, and him your father backs,  
'tis Peter Ploddall, rich Ploddall's son and heir,  
One, whose base rustic rude desert  
Unworthy far to win so fair a prize,  
Yet means your father for to mart a match,  
For golden Lucre with this Corydon  
And scorns at virtues lore: hence grows my grief.  Fortunat. 
If it be true I hear, there is one Churms, beside,  
Makes suit to win my sister to his bride.  Sophos. 
That cannot be: Churms it my vowed friend,  
Whose tongue relates the tenor of my love  
To Lelia's ears, I have no other means.  Fortu. 
Well, trust him not: the Tiger hides his claws  
When oft he doth pretend the greatest guiles.  
But stay: here comes Lelia's Nurse.  Enter Nurse. Sophos. 
Nurse, what news?  
How fares my love?  Nurse. 
How fares she quotha? Marry she may fare how she will for you: Neither come to her, nor send to her of a whole fortnight?  
Now I swear by my maidenhead, if my husband should have served me so, when he came a-wooing to me: I would never have looked on him with a good face as long as I had lived.  
But he was as kind a wretch, as ever laid lips of a woman: He would ha' come through windows or doors, or walls, or any thing, but he would have come to me.  
Marry, after we had been married a while, his kindness began to slake, for I'll tell you what he did:  
He made me believe, he would go to green goose fair, and I'll be sworn he took his legs and ran clean away:  
And I am afraid you'll prove e'en such another kind piece to my Mistress: for she sits at home in a corner weeping for you, and I'll be sworn she's ready to die upward for you:  
And her father oath other side, he yoles at her, and joles at her: and she leads such a life for you it passes, and you'll neither come to her, nor send to her:  
Why, she thinks you have forgotten her.  Sophos. 
Nay, then let heavens in sorrow end my days  
And fatal Fortune never cease to frown,  
And heaven and earth, and all conspire to pull me down,  
If black oblivion seize upon my heart  
Once to estrange my thoughts from Lelia's love.  Sophos, Fortunatus. 
Why Nurse, I am sure that Lelia hears from  
Once a day at least by Churms the Lawyer,  
Who is his only friend.  Nurse. 
What, young Master? God bless mine eye sight:  
Now by my maidenhead you're welcome home,  
I am sure my Mistress will be glad to see you.  
But what said you of Master Churms?  Fortu. 
Marry, I say he's a well willer to my sister Lelia,  
And a secret friend to Sophos.  Nurse. 
Marry the Devil he is: trust him and hang him. Why, he cannot speak a good word on him to my old Master, and he does so ruffle before my Mistress with his barbarian eloquence, and strut before her in a pair of Polonian legs, as if he were gentleman Usher to the great Turk, or the Devil of Dowgate:  
And if my Mistress would be ruled by him, Sophos might go snick up: But he has such a buttermilk face, that she'll never have him.  Sophos. 
Can falsehood lurk in those enticing looks?  
And deep dissemblance lie where truth appears?  Fortunatus. 
Injurious villain to betray his friend.  Nurse. 
Sir, do you know the Gentleman?  Fort. 
Faith not well.  Nurse. 
Why Sir, he looks like a red herring at a Noble man's table on Easter day, and he speaks nothing but Almond butter and sugar candy.  Fortu. 
That's excellent.  Sophos. 
This worlds the Chaos of confusion:  
No world at all but Mass of open wrongs,  
Wherein a man, as in a Map man see  
The high road way from woe to misery.  Fort. 
Content yourself, and leave these passions,  
Now do I sound the depth of all their drifts,  
The devils devise and Churms his knavery,  
On whom this heart hath vowed to be revenged.  
I'll scatter them: the plots already in my head.  
Nurse high thee home, commend me to my sister:  
Bid her this night send for Master Churms,  
To him she must recount her many griefs,  
Exclaim against her father's hard constraint,  
And so cunningly temporize with this cunning Catso,  
That he may think she loves him as her life.  
Bid her tell him, that if by any means  
He can convey her forth her father's gate,  
Unto a secret friend of hers;  
The way to whom lies by this forest side,  
That none but he shall have her to his bride.  
For her departure let her point the time  
Tomorrow night: when Vesper 'gins to shine,  
Here will I be when Lelia comes this way  
Accompanied with her gentleman Usher,  
Whose amorous thoughts do dream on nought but love;  
And if this Bastinado hold,  
I'll make him leave his wench with Sophos for a pawn:  
Let me alone to use him in his kind,  
This is the trap which for him I have laid,  
Thus craft by cunning once shall be betrayed,  
And for the Devil, I'll conjure him:  
Good Nurse be gone: bid her not fail,  
And for a token, bear to her this Ring  
Which well she knows, for when I saw her last  
It was her favour, and she gave it me.  Sophos. 
And bear her this from me:  
And with this ring bid her receive my heart.  
My heart? alas, my heart I cannot give,  
How should I give her that which is her own?  Nurse. 
An your heart be hers, her heart is yours,  
And so change is no robbery.  
Well, I'll give her your tokens, and tell her what ye say.  Fortunatus. 
Do, good Nurse: but in any case let not my father know that I am here, until we have effected all our purposes.  Nurse. 
I'll warrant you, I will not play with you,  
As Master Churms does with Sophos,  
I would ha' my ears cut from my head first.  Exit Nurse. Fortunatus. 
Come Sophos, cheer up yourself man,  
Let hope expel these melancholy dumps,  
meanwhile, let's in,  
Expecting how the events of this devise will fall,  
Until tomorrow at th'appointed time,  
When we'll expect the coming of your love.  
What, man, I'll work it through the fire,  
But you shall have her.  Sophos. 
And I will study to deserve this love.  Exeunt. Enter William Cricket, Solus. Will. 
Look on me, and look of Master Churms,  
A good proper man:  
Marry Master Churms has something a better pair of legs indeed:  
But for a sweet face, a fine beard, comely corpse,  
And a carousing Codpiece,  
All England if it can  
Show me such a man,  
To win a wench by gis,  
To clip, to coll, to kiss  
As William Cricket is.  
Why, look you now: If I had been such a great long, large,  
Lobcocked, loseled lurden, as Master Churms is;  
I'll warrant you, I should never have got Peg, as long as  
I had lived: for (do you mark) a wench will never love a man that has all his substance in his legs.  
But stay: here comes my Landlord,  
I must go salute him.  Enter old Ploddall, and his son Peter. Ploddall. 
Come hither Peter, when didst thou see Robin Goodfellow? he's the man must do the feat.  Peter. 
Faith father, I see him not this two days; but I'll seek him out: for I know he'll do the deed, and she were twenty Lelia's.  
For father he's a very cunning man: for, give him but ten groats, and he'll give me a powder, that will make Lelia come to bed to me:  
And when I have her there: I'll use her well enough.  Ploddall. 
Will he so? Marry, I will give him vorty shillings, if he can do it.  Peter. 
Nay, he'll do more than that too,  
For he'll make himself like a devil; and fray the Scholar that hankers about her, out on's wits.  Ploddall. 
Marry jesus bless us: will he so?  
Marry thou shalt have vorty shillings to give him, and thy mother shall bestow a hard cheese on him beside.  Will. 
Landlord, a pox on you, this good morn.  Ploddall. 
How now fool? what, dost curse me?  Will. 
How now fool? how now Caterpillar?  
It's a sign of Dearth, when such Vermin creep hedges so early of morning.  Peter 
Sirrah, Foul manners, do you know to whom you speak?  Will. 
Indeed Peter, I must confess I want some of your wooing manners, or else I might have turned my fair bush tail to you instead of your father: and have given you the ill salutation this morning.  Ploddall. 
Let him alone Peter, I'll temper him well enough.  
sirrah, I hear say you must be married shortly,  
I'll make you pay a sweet fine for your house, for this.  
Ha? sirrah am not I your Landlord?  Will. 
Yes, for fault of a better, but you get neither sweet fine, nor sour fine of me.  Ploddall. 
My masters, I pray you bear witness:  
I do discharge him then.  Will. 
My masters, I pray you bear witness,  
My Landlord has given me a general discharge,  
I'll be married presently, my fines paid: I have a discharge for it.  He offers to go away. Ploddall. 
Nay prithee stay.  Will. 
No I'll not stay, I'll go call the clerk,  
I'll be cried out upon i'th' Church presently,  
What ho? What Clerk I say? where are you?  Enter clerk. Clerk. 
Who calls me? what would you with me?  
Marry Sir, I would have you to make proclamation, that if any manner of man, oath Town, or oath Country, can lay any claim to Peg Pudding, let him bring word to the Crier, or else William Cricket will wipe his nose of her.  Clerk. 
You mean you would be asked i'th' Church?  Will. 
I that's it: a bot's on't, I cannot hit of these marrying terms yet.  
And I'll desire my Landlord here and his son, to be at the Celebravation of my marriage too:  
I'faith Peter, you shall cram your guts full of Cheesecakes and Custards there.  
And sirrah Clerk, if thou wilt say Amen stoutly:  
I'faith my powder beef slave,  
I'll have a rump of beef for thee, shall make thy mouth 〈…〉 side.  Clerk. 
When would you have it done?  Will. 
Marry e'en as soon as may be: let me see:  
I will be asked i'th' Church of Sunday at morning prayer, and again at Evening prayer: & the next holiday that comes I will be asked i'th' forenoon, and married i'th' afternoon: For (do you mark) I am none of these sneaking fellows that will stand thrumming of Caps, and studying upon a matter, as long as Hunkes with the great head has been about to show his little wit in the second part of his paltry poetry: but if I begin with wooing, I'll end with wedding.  
And therefore good Clerk, let me have it done with all speed: for I promise you, I am very sharp set.  clerk. 
Faith you may be asked i'th' Church on Sunday at morning prayer, but Sir john cannot tend to do it at Evening prayer: For there comes a Company of Players tuth Town, on Sunday i'th' afternoon; and Sir john is so good a fellow, that I know he'll scarce leave their company, to say Evening prayer.  
For (though I say it) he's a very painful man, and takes so great delight in that faculty, that he'll take as great pain about building of a Stage or so, as the basest fellow among them.  Will. 
Nay, if he have so lawful an excuse, I am content to defer it one day the longer:  
And Landlord, I hope, you and your son Peter will make bold with us, and trouble us.  Ploddall. 
Nay William, we would be loath to trouble you: but you shall have our company there.  Will. 
Faith you shall be very heartily welcome, and we will have good merry rogues there that will make you laugh till you burst.  Peter. 
Why William, what company do you mean to have?  Will. 
Marry, first and for most, there will be an honest Dutch Cobbler, that will sing (I will no mere to Burgaine go) the best that ever you heard.  Ploddall. 
What, must a Cobbler be your chief guest? Why he's a basefellow.  Will. 
A basefellow? you may be ashamed to say so,  
For he's an honest fellow, and a goodfellow:  
And he begins to carry the very badge of good fellowship upon his nose; that I do not doubt, but in time he will prove as good a Copper companion as Robin Goodfellow himself.  
I and he's a tall fellow, and a man of his hands too,  
For I'll tell you what: tie him tuth Bull-Ring, and for a bag-pudding, a Custard, a Cheesecake, a hogs cheek, or a calves head, turn any man i'th' town to him; and if he do not prove himself as tall a man as he, let blind Hugh bewitch him, and turn his body, into a barrel of strong Ale, and let his nose be the spigot, his mouth the Faucet, and his tongue a Plug for the bung hole.  
And then there will be Robin Goodfellow, as good a drunken rogue as lives: and Tom Shoemaker; and I hope you will not deny that he's an honest man, for he was Constable oath Town.  
And a number of other honest rascals, which though they are grown bankrupts and live by the reversion of other men's tables:  
Yet (thanks be to God) they have a penny amongst, at all times at their need.  Ploddall. 
Nay, if Robin Goodfellow be there, you shall be sure to have our company.  
For he's one that we hear very well of;  
And my son here has some occasion to use him:  
And therefore if we may know when 'tis, we'll make bold to trouble you.  Will. 
Yes I'll send you word.  Ploddall. 
Why then farewell, till we hear from you.  Exeunt Ploddall and his son. Wil. 
Well clerk, you'll see this matter bravely performed: let it be done as it should be.  Clerk. 
I'll warrant ye, fear it not.  Will. 
Why then go you to Sir John, and I'll to my wench, and bid her give her Maidenhead warning to prepare itself: for the destruction of it is at hand.  Exeunt. Enter Lelia, Sola. Lelia. 
How love and fortune both with eager mood,  
Like greedy hounds do hunt my tired heart,  
Roused forth the thickets of my wonted joys!  
And Cupid winds his shrill note bugle horn,  
For joy my silly heart so near is spent.  
Desire that eager Cur pursues the chase,  
And Fortune rides amain unto the fall:  
Now sorrow sings, and mourning bears a part,  
Playing harsh descant on my yielding heart.  Enter Nurse. 
Nurse, what news?  Nurse. 
Faith a whole sackful of news:  
You love Sophos and Sophos loves you;  
And Peter Ploddall loves you, and you love not him,  
And you love not Master Churmes, and he loves you,  
And so here's love and no love,  
And I love and I love not,  
And I cannot tell what:  
But of all, and of all, Master Churmes must be the man you must love.  Lelia. 
Nay, first I'll mount me on the winged wind,  
And fly for succour to the farthest Ind.  
Must I love Master Churmes?  Nurse, 
Faith you must and you must not.  Lelia. 
As how I pray thee?  Nurse. 
Marry I have commendations to you.  Lelia. 
From whom?  Nurse. 
From your brother Fortunatus.  Lelia. 
My brother Fortunatus?  Nurse. 
No: from Sophos.  Lelia. 
From my Love?  Nurse. 
No from neither.  Lelia. 
From neither?  Nurse. 
Yes from both.  Lelia. 
Prithee leave thy foolery, and let me know thy news.  Nurse. 
Your brother Fortunatus, and your love, tomorrow night will meet you by the forest side,  
There to confer about I know not what:  
But 'tis like, that Sophos will make you of his privy council, before you come again.  Lelia. 
Is Fortunatus then returned from the wars?  Nurse. 
He is with Sophos every day,  
But in any case you must not let your Father know,  
For he hath sworn he will not be descried,  
Until he have effected your desires:  
For he swaggers and swears out of all cry,  
That he will venture all,  
Both fame and blood, and limb and life,  
But Lelia shall be Sophos wedded wife.  Lelia 
Alas Nurse, my father's jealous brain  
Doth scarce allow me once a month to go,  
Beyond the compass of his watchful eyes,  
Nor once affords me any conference,  
With any man except with Mr. Churms,  
Whose crafty brain beguiles my father so,  
That he reposeth trust in none but him:  
And though he seeks for favour at my hands,  
He takes his mark amiss and shoots awry.  
For I had rather see the devil himself,  
Then Churms the Lawyer:  
Therefore how I should meet them by the forest side,  
I cannot possibly devise.  Nurse. 
And Master Churms must be the man must work the means,  
You must this night send for him:  
Make him believe you love him mightily,  
Tell him you have a secret friend dwells far away beyond the Forest.  
To whom if he can secretly convey you from your father,  
Tell him you will love him, better than ever God loved him.  
And when you come to the place appointed,  
Let them alone to discharge the knave of clubs.  
And that you must not fail,  
Here receive this ring, which Fortunatus sent you for ●●oken,  
That this is the plot that you must prosecute,  
And this from Sophos as his true loves pledge.  Lelia. 
This ring my brother sent I know right well,  
But this my true love pledge I more esteem  
Then all the golden mines the solid earth contains:  
And see, in happy time here comes M. Churms: Enter Chur.  
Now love and fortune both conspire,  
And sort their drifts to compass my desire.  
M. Churms you're well met, I am glad to see you.  Churms. 
And I as glad to see fair Lelia,  
As ever Paris was to see his dear,  
For whom so many Trojans blood was spilled;  
Nor think, I would do less than spend my dearest blood,  
To gain fair Lelia's love, although by loss of life.  Nurse. 
Faith mistress, he speaks like a gentleman:  
Let me persuade you,  
Be not hard hearted:  
Sophos? why what's he?  
If he had loved you but half so well, he would ha' come through stone walls, but he would have come to you ere this.  Lelia. 
I must confess, I once loved Sophos well,  
But now I cannot love him, whom all the world knows to be a dissembler.  Churmes. 
Ere I would wrong my love with one days absence;  
I would pass the boiling Hellespont,  
As once Leander did for hero's love,  
Or undertake a greater task than that,  
Ere I would be disloyal to my Love.  
And if that Lelia give her free consent  
That both our loves may sympathize in one,  
My hand, my heart, my love, my life and all,  
Shall ever tend on Lelia's fair command.  Lelia. 
Mr. Churms, methinks 'tis strange, you should make such a motion:  
Say I should yield, and grant you love;  
When most you did expect a sunshine day,  
My father's will would mar your hoped for hay,  
And when you thought to reap the fruits of love,  
His hard constraint would blast it in the bloom.  
For he so dotes on Peter ploddal's pelf,  
That none but he forsooth must be the man,  
And I will rather match myself,  
Unto a groom of Pluto's grisly den,  
Then unto such a silly golden ass.  Churms. 
Bravely resolved i'faith.  Lelia. 
But to be short:  
I have a secret friend that dwells from hence,  
Some two days journey, that's the most,  
And if you can, as (well I know) you may, convey me thither secretly:  
For company I desire no other than your own,  
Here take my hand:  
That once performed my heart is next.  Churmes. 
If on th'adventure all the dangers lay,  
That Europe or the western world affords,  
Were it to combat Cerberus himself,  
Or scale the brazen walls of Pluto's court;  
whenas there is so fair a prize proposed,  
If I shrink back or leave it unperformed,  
Let the World canonize me for a Coward:  
Appoint the time and leave the rest to me.  Lelia. 
When nights black mantle overspreads the sky,  
And days bright lamp is drenched in the west,  
Tomorrow night I think the fittest time,  
That silent shade may give our safe convoy,  
Unto our wished hopes unseen of living eye.  Churms. 
And at that time I will not fail,  
In that or aught may make for our avail.  Nurse. 
But what if Sophos should meet you by the forest side:  
And encounter you with his single rapier?  Churms. 
Sophos? a hop of my thumb, a wretch, a wretch.  
Should Sophos meet us there accompanied with some Champion,  
With whom 'twere any credit to encounter,  
Were he as stout as Hercules himself,  
Then would I buckle with them hand to hand:  
And bandy blows as thick as hailstones fall,  
And carry Lelia away in spite of all their force.  
What? love will make Cowards fight:  
Much more a man of my resolution.  Lelia. 
And on your resolution I'll depend,  
Until tomorrow at th'appointed time, when I look for you:  
till when I'll leave you, and go make preparation for our journey.  Exeunt Lelia and Nurse. Churms. 
Farewell fair love, until we meet again.  
Why so: did I not tell you she would be glad to run away with me at length?  
Why this falls out, e'en as a man would say, Thus I would have it.  
But now I must go cast about for some money too,  
Let me see: I have outlawed three or four of Gripes debtor.  
And I have the bonds in mine own hands:  
The sum that is due to him, is some two or three hundred pounds:  
Well, I'll to them: if I can get but one half,  
I'll deliver them their bonds, and leave the other half to their own consciences; and so I shall be sure to get money to bear charges:  
When all fails well fare a good wit.  
But soft, no more of that:  
Here comes Mr. Gripe,  Enter Gripe. Gripe. 
What Mr. Churms? what alone? how fares your body?  Churms. 
Faith Sir, reasonable well: I am e'en walking here to take the fresh air.  Gripe. 
'tis very wholesome this fair weather,  
But M. Churms: how like you my daughter?  
Can you do any good on her? will she be ruled yet?  
How stands she affected to P. Ploddall?  Churms. 
O very well Sir: I have made her very conformable.  
O let me alone to persuade a woman:  
I hope you shall see her married within this week at most,  
I mean to myself.  He speaks to himself. Gripe. 
Master Churmes. I am so exceedingly beholding to you,  
I cannot tell how I shall requite your kindness,  
But i'th' mean time here's a brace of angels for you to drink, for your pains,  
This news has e'en lightened my heart,  
O Sir, my neighbour Ploddall is very wealthy.  
Come M. Churms, you shall go home with me,  
we'll have good cheer & be merry for this, tonight, i'faith.  Churms. 
Well: let them laugh that win.  Exeunt. Enter Peg and her Granam. Peg. 
Granam, give me but two crowns of red gold,  
And I'll give you two pence of white silver,  
If Robin the devil be not a water witch.  Moth. M. 
Marry, jesus bless us: why prithee?  Peg. 
Marry I'll tell you why.  
Upon the morrow after the blessed new year,  
I came trip, trip, trip, over the Market hill,  
Holding up my petticoat to the calves of my legs,  
To show my fine coloured stockings,  
And how finely I could foot it in a pair of new corked shoes, I had bought:  
And there I spied this monsieur Muff, lie gaping up into the skies,  
To know how many Maids would be with child in the town all the year after:  
O 'tis a base vexation slave,  
How the country talks of the large ribbed varlet!  Mother M. 
Marry out upon him: what a Friday fac't slave it is!  
I think in my conscience, his face never keeps Holiday.  Peg. 
Why his face can never be at quiet,  
He has such a choleric nose,  
I durst has worn by my maidenhead,  
(God forgive me that I should take such an oath)  
That if William had had such a nose, I would never ha' loved him.  Enter Will. Cricket. Will. 
What a talking is here of noses and faces?  
Come Peg, we are toward marriage; let us talk of that may do us good: Granam, what will you give us toward housekeeping?  Moth. M. 
Why William, we are talking of Rob Goodfellow:  
What think you of him?  Will. 
Marry I say he looks like a tankard bearer,  
That dwells in Petticoat lane, at the sign of the Mermaid;  
And I swear by the blood of my codpiece,  
An I were a woman I would lug off his lave ears,  
Or run him to death with a spit: and for his face,  
I think 'tis pity there is not a law made,  
That it should be felony to name it in any other places,  
then in bawdy houses:  
But Granam what will you give us?  Moth. M. 
Marry I will give Peg a pot and a pan,  
Two platters, a dish and a spoon, a dog, and a cat:  
I trow she'll prove a good housewife,  
And love her husband well too.  Will. 
If she love me I'll love her, i'faith my sweet honey comb, I'll love thee, A per se A.  
We must be asked in Church next Sunday, and we'll be married presently.  Peg. 
I'faith William we'll have a merry day on't.  Mother M. 
That we will i'faith Peg: we'll have a whole noise of fiddlers there:  
Come Peg let's hie us home, we'll make a bag-pudding to supper,  
And William shall go and sup with us.  Will. 
Come on i'faith.  Exeunt. Enter Fortunatus and Sophos. Fort. 
Why how now Sophos, all a mort? still languishing in love?  
will not the presence of thy friend prevail?  
Nor hope expel these sullen fits?  
Cannot mirth wring, if but a forged smile,  
From those sad drooping looks of thine?  
Rely on hope, whose hap will lead thee right,  
To her, whom thou dost call thy heart's delight;  
Look cheerly man: the time is near at hand,  
That Hymen mounted on a snow white coach,  
Shall tend on Sophos and his lovely bride.  Sophos. 
'tis impossible: her Father, man, her father,  
he's all for Peter Ploddall.  Fortunatus. 
Should I but see that Ploddall offer love,  
This sword should pierce the peasants breast,  
And chase his soul from his accursed corpse  
By an unwonted way unto the grisly lake.  
But now the appointed time is near,  
That Churms should come with his supposed love:  
Then sit we down under these levy shades They sit down.  
And weight the time of Lelia's wished approach.  Sophos. 
I: here I'll weight for Lelia's wished approach,  
More wished to me, then is a calm at seas,  
To shipwrecked souls, when great God Neptune frowns.  
Though sad despair hath almost drowned my hopes;  
Yet would I pass the burning vaults of ork,  
As erst did Hercules to fetch his love,  
If I might meet my love upon the strand Enter Robin Goodfellow.  
And but enjoy her love one minute of an hour.  
But stay: what man, or devil, or hellish fiend comes here,  
Transformed in this ugly uncouth shape?  Fortunatus. 
O, peace a while: you shall see good sport anon.  Robin. 
Now I am clothed in this hellish shape,  
If I could meet with Sophos in these woods,  
O, he would take me for the Devil himself,  
I should ha' good laughing, beside the forty shillings Peter  
Ploddall has given me: and if I get no more I am sure of that.  
But soft: now I must try my cunning, for here he sits.  
The high commander of the damned souls  
Great Dis the Duke of Devils and Prince of Limbo Lake,  
High Regent of Acheron, Styx and Phlegeton,  
By strict command from Pluto, hell's great Monarch,  
And fair Proserpina the Queen of Hell,  
By full consent of all the damned Hags  
And all the fiends that keep the Stygian plains,  
Hath sent me here from depth of under ground,  
To summon thee to appear at Pluto's Court.  Fortunatus. 
A man or Devil? or whatsoe'er thou art,  
I'll try if blows will drive thee down to hell.  
Belike thou art the devils Paritor,  
The basest officer that lives in Hell,  
For, such thy words imports thee for to be:  
'tis pity you should come so far without a fee.  
And because I know money goes low with Sophos,  
I'll pay you your fees: [He beats him,] take that, & that, and that:  Robin. 
O good Sir, I beseech you, I'll do any thing;  Fortunatus. 
Then down to Hell, for sure thou art a Devil.  Robin. 
O hold your hands, I am not a Devil by my troth.  Fortunatus. 
Sounds, dost thou cross me? I say thou art a Devil.  Beat him again. Robin. 
O Lord sir save my life: and I'll say as you say, or any thing else you'll ha' me do.  Fortunatus. 
Then stand up and make a preachment of thy Pedigree, and how at first thou learnd'st this devilish trade: up I say.  Beat him. Stands upon a stool. Robin. 
O I will Sit:  
Although in some places, I bear the title of a scurvy gentleman:  
By birth I am a boat writes son of Hull,  
My father got me of a refused hag,  
Under the old ruins of Boobies barn,  
Who as she lived, at length she likewise died,  
And for her good deeds went unto the Devil.  
But, Hell not wont to harbour such a guest,  
Her fellow fiends do daily make complaint  
Unto grim Pluto, and his lovely Queen,  
Of her unruly misbehaviour:  
Entreating that a passport might be drawn  
For her to wander till the day of doom,  
On earth again to vex the minds of men,  
And swore she was the fittest fiend in Hell  
To drive men to desperation.  
To this intent her passport straight was drawn,  
And in a whirl wind forth of Hell she came;  
o'er hills she hurls, and scours along the plains:  
The trees flew up byth' roots, the earth did quake for fear,  
The houses tumble down, she plays the Devil and all:  
At length not finding any one so fit  
To effect her devilish damned charge as I:  
She comes to me, as to her only child,  
And me her instrument on earth she made,  
And by that means I learned this devilish trade.  Sophos. 
O monstrous villain!  Fortunatus. 
But tell me: what's thy course of life, & how thou shiftest for maintenance in the world?  Robin. 
Faith Sir, I am in a manner a promoter,  
Or more fitly termed a promoting knave:  
I creep into the presence of great men,  
And under colour of their friendships,  
Effect such wonders in the world  
That babes will curse me, that are yet unborn.  
Of the best men, I raise a common fame,  
And honest women rob of their good name:  
Thus daily tumbling-in comes all my thrift.  
That I get best is got but by a shift:  
But the chief course of all my life,  
Is to set discord betwixt man and wife.  Fortunatus. 
Out upon thee cannibal, He beat them.  
Dost thou think thou shalt ever come to heaven?  Robin. 
I little hope for heaven or heavenly bliss:  
But if in hell doth any place remain,  
Of more esteem than is another room,  
I hope, as guerdon for my just desert,  
To have it for my detestable acts.  Fort. 
Wert not, thy tongue condemns thy guilty soul,  
I could not think that on this living earth  
Did breathe a villain so audacious.  
Go get thee gone, and come not in my walk. Beat him.  
For if thou dost, thou comest unto thy woe.  Rob. 
The devil himself was never conjured so.  Exit Rob. Sophos. 
Sure he's no man, but an incarnate devil,  
Whose ugly shape bewrays his monstrous mind.  Fortunatus. 
And if he be a devil, I am sure he's gone:  
But Churms the Lawyer will be here anon,  
And with him comes my sister Lelia:  
'tis he I am sure you look for.  Sophos. 
Nay, she it is that I expect so long.  Fort. 
Then sit we down until we hear more news:  
This but a prologue to our play ensues. They sit down.  
But see where Churms and Lelia comes along: Enter Churms and Lelia.  
walks as stately as the great Baboon.  
Sounds, he looks as though his mother were a midwife.  Sophos. 
Now gentle jove, great Monarch of the world,  
Grant good success unto my wandering hopes.  Churms. 
Now Phoebus silver eye is drenched in western deep  
And Luna 'gins to show her splendent rays,  
And al the harmless choristers of wood  
Do take repose, save only Philomele:  
Whose heavy tunes do evermore record,  
With mournful eyes the losses of her love.  
Thus far fair love we pass in secret sort,  
Beyond the compass of thy father's bounds,  
Whilst he on down-soft bed securely sleeps  
And not so much as dreams of our depart.  
The dangers past, now think on nought but love,  
I'll be thy dear, be thou my heart's delight:  Sophos. 
Nay first, I'll send thy soul to coal black night.  Churms. 
Thou promised love: now seal it with a kiss.  Fort. 
Nay soft Sir, your mark's at the fairest.  
For wear her love, and seal it with a kiss,  
Upon the burnished splendour of this blade;  
Or it shall rip the entrails of thy peasant heart.  Sophos. 
Nay, let me do it, that's my part.  Churms. 
You wrong me much to rob me of my love.  Sophos. 
avant, base braggart: Lelia's mine.  Churms. 
She lately promised love to me.  Fortunatus. 
Peace, Night-Raven, peace, I'll end this controversy.  
Come Lelia, stand between them both,  
As equal judge to end this strife:  
Say which of these shall have thee to his wife:  
I can devise no better way than this,  
Now choose thy love: and greet him with a kiss.  Lelia. 
My choice is made: and here it is[ she kisses Sophos.]  Sophos. 
See here the mirror of true constancy:  
Whose steadfast love deserves a PRINCE's worth.  Lelia. 
Master Churms are you not well?  
I must confess I would have chosen you,  
But that I near beheld your legs till now:  
Trust me I never looked so low before.  Churms. 
I know you use to look aloft.  Lelia. 
Yet not so high as your crown.  Churms. 
What if you had?  Lelia. 
Faith I should ha' spied but a calves head.  Churms. 
Sounds, cozened of the wench and scoffed at too?  
'tis intolerable: and shall I lose her thus?  
how'wt mads me, that I brought not my sword and buckles with me!  Fort. 
What, are you in your sword & buckler terms!  
I'll put you out of that humour:  
There Lelia sends you that by me, Beats him.  
And that, to recompense your loves desire:  
And that, as payment for your well earned hire.  
Go get thee gone, and boast of Lelia's love.  Churms. 
Where ere I go I'll leave with her my curse,  
And rail on you with speeches wild.  Fortunatus. 
A crafty knave was never so beguiled.  
Now Sophos hopes have had their lucky haps,  
And he enjoys the presence of his love,  
My vow's performed, and I am full revenged  
Upon this Hell-bred brace of cursed Imps:  
Now rests nought but my father's free consent  
To knit the knot that time can near untwist.  
And that, as this, I likewise will perform.  
No sooner shall Aurora's pearled dew,  
o'erspread the mantled earth with silver drops  
And Phoebus bless the Orient with a blush,  
To chase black night to her deformed Cell,  
But I'll repair unto my father's house,  
And never cease with my enticing words,  
To work his will to knit this Gordian knot,  
Till when I'll leave you to your amorous chat,  
Dear friend a dieu, fair sister too farewell,  
Betake yourselves unto some secret place:  
Until you hear from me how things fall out.  Exit Fortunatus Sophos. 
We both do wish a fortunate good-night:  Lelia. 
And pray the Gods to guide thy steps aright.  Sophos. 
Now come fair Lelia, let's betake ourselves  
Unto a little Hermitage hereby:  
And there to live obscured from the world  
Till fates and Fortune call us thence away,  
To see the sunshine of our Nuptial day.  
See how the twinkling Stars do hide their borrowed shin  
As half ashamed their luster so is stained,  
By Lelia's beauteous eyes that shine more bright,  
Then twinkling Stars do in a winter's night:  
In such a night did Paris win his love.  Lelia. 
In such a night, Aenaeas proved unkind.  Sophos. 
In such a night did Troilus court his dear.  Lelia. 
In such a night, fair Phyllis was betrayed.  Sophos. 
I'll prove as true as ever Troilus was.  Lelia. 
And I as constant as Penelope.  Sophos. 
Then let us solace, and in loves delight,  
And sweet embracings spend the livelong night.  
And whilst love mounts her on her wanton wings,  
Let Descant run on musics silver strings.  Exeunt. 

A SONG  

1  
Old Tithon must forsake his dear,  
The Lark doth chant her cheerful lay:  
Aurora smiles with merry cheer,  
To welcome in a happy day.   

2  
The beasts do skip,  
The sweet birds sing:  
The wood Nymphs dance,  
The echoes ring.   

3  
The hollow caves with joy resounds:  
And pleasure everywhere abounds:  
The Graces linking hand in hand,  
In love have knit a glorious band.    Enter Robin Goodfellow, old Ploddall, and his son Peter. Ploddall. 
Hear you Master Goodfellow how have you sped?  Peter. 
ha' you played the Devil bravely, and scared the scholar out on's wits?  Robin. 
A pox of the Scholar.  Ploddall. 
Nay hark you: I sent you vorty shillings, and you shall have the cheese I promised you too.  Robin. 
A plague of the vorty shillings, and the Cheese too.  Peter. 
Hear you, will you give me the powder you told me of?  Robin. 
How you vex me! powder quotha? Sounds I ha' been powdered.  Ploddall. 
Son, I doubt thee will prove a crafty knave, and cozen us of our money:  
we'll go to Master justice and complain on him, and get him whipped out o'th' Country for a Connicatcher.  Peter. 
ay, or have his ears nailed to the Pillory: Comes let's go.  Exeunt Ploddall and his son. Enter Churms. Churms. 
Fellow Robin, what news? how goes the world?  Robin. 
Faith, the world goes I cannot tell how:  
How speed you with your wench?  Churms. 
I would the wench were at the Devil:  
A plague upon't I never say my prayers, and that makes me have such ill luck.  Robin. 
I think the scholar be haunted with some demi-devil.  Churms. 
Why, didst thou fray him?  Robin. 
Fray him? a vengeance on't, all our shifting knavery's known:  
We are counted very vagrants:  
Sounds, I am afraid of every officer, for whipping.  Churms. 
We are horribly haunted: our behaviour is so beastly, that we are grown loathsome, our craft gets us nought but knocks.  Robin. 
What course shall we take now?  Churms. 
Faith I cannot tell: let's e'en run our Country, for here's no staying for us.  Robin. 
Faith agreed: let's go into some place where we are not known, and there set up the art of knavery with the second edition.  Exeunt. Enter Gripe, Solus. Gripe. 
Every one tells me I look better than I was wont,  
My hearts lightened, my spirits are revived,  
Why methinks I am e'en young again;  
It joys my heart that this same peevish girl my daughter will be ruled at the last yet:  
But I shall never be able to make Mr. Churmes amends for the great pains he has taken,  Enter Nurse. Nur. 
Master, now out upon'ns, well aday: we are all undone!  Gripe. 
Undone? what sudden accident hath chanced?  
Speak what's the matter?  Nurse. 
Alas that ever I was borne!  
My Mistress and Mr. Churms are run away together.  Gripe. 
'tis not possible: near tell me. I dare trust Master Churms with a greater matter than that.  Nurse. 
Faith you must trust him whether you will or no, for he's gone.  Enter Will. Cricket. Will. 
M. Gripe, I was coming to desire that I might have your absence at my wedding: for I hear say you are very liberal grown o'late.  
For I spoke with three or four of your debtor this morning,  
that ought you hundred pounds a piece:  
And they told me, that you sent M. Churmes to them and took of some ten pounds,  
And of some twenty, and delivered them their bonds,  
And bade them pay the rest when they were able.  Gripe. 
I am undone: I am robbed: my daughter, my money!  
Which way are they gone?  Will. 
Faith Sir, it's all to nothing but your daughter and  
M. Churms are gone both one way:  
Marry your money flies some one ways and some another:  
And therefore 'tis but a folly to make hue and cry after it.  Gripe. 
Follow them: make hue and cry after them.  
My daughter, my money, all's gone, what shall I do?  Will. 
Faith if you will be ruled by me,  
I'll tell you what you shall do:  
(Mark what I say) for I'll teach you the way to come to heaven, if you stumble not:  
Give all you have to the poor,  
But one single penny, and with that penny buy you a good strong halter,  
And when you ha' done so: come to me and I'll tell you what you shall do with it.  Gripe. 
Bring me my daughter: that Churms, that villain,  
I'll tear him with my teeth.  Nurse. 
Master, nay pray you do not run mad:  
I'll tell you good news:  
My young Master Fortunatus is come home: and see where he comes.  Enter Fortunatus. Gripe. 
If thou hadst said Lelia, it had been something.  Fort. 
Thus Fortunatus greets his Father,  
And craves his blessing on his bended knee.  Gripe. 
ay, here's my son: but Lelia she'll not come.  
Good Fortunatus rise: wilt thou shed tears,  
And help thy father moan?  
If so, say I: if not good son be gone.  Fort. 
What moves my father to these strange fits?  Will. 
Faith Sir, he's almost mad: I think he cannot tell you:  
And therefore I presuming Sir, that my wit is something better than his, at this time (do you mark Sir?)  
Out of the profound circumambulation of my supernatural wit Sir (do you understand?)  
Will tell you the whole superfluity of the matter Sir:  
Your sister Lelia Sir you know is a woman,  
As another woman is Sir.  Fort. 
Well, and what of that?  Will. 
Nay nothing Sir, but she fell in love with one Sophos a very proper wise young man Sir:  
Now Sir, your Father would not let her have him, Sir:  
But would have married her to one Sir,  
That would have fed her with nothing but barley bag puddings and fat bacon:  
Now Sir to tell you the truth,  
The fool ye know has fortune to land:  
But M. Lelia's mouth doth not hang for that kind of diet.  Fort. 
And how then?  Will. 
Marry then there was a certain craking, cogging, pettifogging, buttermilk slave Sir, one Churms Sir, that is the very quintessence of all the knaves in the bunch; And if the best man of all his kin had been but so good as a yeoman man's son:  
He should have been a marked knave by letters patents,  
And he Sir comes me sneaking, and cozens them both of their wench, and is run away with her:  
And Sir belike he has cozened your father here of a great deal of his money too.  Nurse. 
Sir your father did trust him but too much;  
But I always thought he would prove a crafty knave.  Gripe. 
My trusts betrayed, my joys exiled:  
Grief kills his heart, my hopes beguiled,  Fort. 
Where golden gain doth blear a father's eyes,  
That precious pearl fetched from Parnassus' mount,  
Is counted refuse, worse than Bullen brass;  
Both joys and hope hang of a silly twine,  
That still is subject unto flitting time:  
That turns joy into grief, and hope to sad despair,  
And ends his days in wretched worldly care.  
Were I the richest Monarch under heaven,  
And had one daughter thrice as fair,  
As was the Grecian Menelaus' wife,  
Ere I would match her to an untaught swain,  
Though one whose wealth exceeded Croesus' store,  
herself should choose, and I applaud her choice,  
Of one more poor than ever Sophos was,  
Were his deserts but equal unto his.  
If I might speak without offence;  
You were to blame to hinder Lelia's choice.  
As she in Nature's graces doth excel:  
So doth Minerva grace him full as well.  Nurse. 
Now, by cock and pie, you never spoke a truer word in your life, he's a very kind gentleman:  
For last time he was at our house he gave me three pence.  Will. 
O nobly spoken: God send Peg to prove as wise a woman as her Mother, and then we shall be sure to have wise children.  
Nay if he be so liberal: old Grandsire you shall give him the goodwill of your daughter.  Gripe. 
She is not mine: I have no daughter now.  
That I should say I had, thence comes my grief:  
My care of Lelia, past a father's love,  
My love of Lelia makes my loss the more.  
My loss of Lelia drowns my heart in woe:  
My heart's woe makes this life a living death:  
Care, Love, Loss, Hearts-woe, living death,  
join all in one, to stop this vital breath.  
Cursed be the time I gaped for golden gain,  
I curse the time, I crossed her in her choice.  
Her choice was virtuous, but my will was base,  
I sought to grace her from the Indian Mines,  
But she sought honour from the starry Mount:  
What frantic fit possessed my foolish brain?  
What furious fancy fired so my heart,  
To hate fair Virtue and to scorn desert?  Fortunatus. 
Then father give desert his due,  
Let Nature's graces and fair virtues gifts,  
One sympathy and happy consort make,  
Twixt Sophos and my sister Lelia's love:  
Conjoin their hands, whose hearts have long been one,  
And so conclude a happy union.  Gripe. 
Now 'tis too late:  
What Fates decree, can never be recalled:  
Her luckless love is fallen to Churms his lot,  
And he usurps fair Lelia's nuptial bed.  Fortunatus. 
That cannot be: fear of pursuit must needs prolong his nuptial rights.  
But if you give your full consent,  
That Sophos may enjoy his long wished love,  
And have fair Lelia to his lovely bride,  
I'll follow Churmes whate'er betide.  
I'll be as swift as is the light foot Roe,  
And overtake him ere his journeys end:  
And bring fair Lelia back unto my friend.  Gripe. 
ay, here's my hand: I do consent,  
And think her happy in her happy choice,  
Yet half forejudge my hopes will be deceived.  
But Fortunatus: I must needs commend,  
Thy constant mind thou bear'st unto thy friend.  
The after ages wondering at the same:  
Shall sait's a deed deserving lasting fame.  Fort. 
Then rest you here till I return again,  
I'll go to Sophos ere I go along:  
And bring him here to keep you company.  
Perhaps he hath some skill in hidden arts,  
Of planet's course, or secret magic spells,  
To know where Lelia and that Fox lies hid,  
Whose craft so cunningly conveyed her hence.  Exit Fortu. Gripe. 
I: here I'll rest an hour or twain,  
Till Fortunatus do return again.  Will. 
Faith Sir, this same Churms is a very scurvy Lawer:  
For once I put a case to him: and methought his law was not worth a pudding.  Gripe. 
Why what was your case?  Will. 
Marry Sir, my case was a goose's case:  
For my dog worried my neighbour's sow, and the sow died.  Nurse. 
And he sued you upon wilful murder?  Wil. 
No: but he went to law with me, and would make me either pay for his sow, or hang my dog:  
Now Sir to this same Returner I went.  Nurse. 
To beg a pardon for your dog?  Will. 
No: but to have some of his wit for my money,  
I gave him his fee, and promised him a goose beside, for his counsel.  
Now Sir his counsel was to deny all was asked me,  
And to crave a longer time to answer,  
Though I knew the case was plain;  
So Sir I take his counsel: and always when he send to me for his goose, I deny it, and crave a longer time to answer.  Nurse. 
And so the case was yours, & the goose was his:  
And so it came to be a goose's case.  Will. 
True: but now we are talking of geese,  
See where Peg and my Granam Midnight comes.  Enter M. Midnight and Peg. Moth. M. 
Come Peg, bestir your stumps: make thyself smug, wench; thou must be married tomorrow:  
Let's go seek out thy sweet heart,  
To prepare all things in readiness.  Peg. 
Why Granam, look where he is.  Will. 
Ha my sweet Tralilly, I thought thou couldst spy me amongst a hundred honest men.  
A man may see that love will creep where it cannot go.  
Ha my sweet and too sweet: shall I say the other sweet?  Peg. 
ay, say it and spare not.  Will. 
Nay I will not say it, I will sing it.  
Thou art mine own sweet heart;  
From thee I'll never depart:  
Thou art my cyperlily:  
And I thy Trangdidowne dilly,  
And sing heigh ding a ding ding:  
And do the other thing,  
And when 'tis done not miss,  
To give my wench a kiss:  
And then dance canst thou not hit it?  
Ho brave William Cricket!  
How like you this Granam?  Mother M. 
Marry gods benison light oath thy good heart, for't:  
Ha, that I were young again!  
i'faith I was an old doer at these love songs when I was a girl  Nurse. 
Now by the Marry〈…〉 thou hast got the merriest wooer in all Womanshire.  Peg. 
Faith, I am none of those that love nothing but Tum dum diddle,  
If he had not been a merry shaver, I would never have had him.  Wil. 
But come my wimble lass, let all these matters pass: And in a bouncing bravation, let's talk of our copulation: What good cheer shall we have tomorrow?  
Old grandsire thick-skin, you that sit there as melancholy as a mantletree, what will you give us toward this merry meeting?  Gripe. 
Marry, because you told me a merry goose's case:  
I'll bestow a fat goose on ye: and God give you luck.  Mother M. 
Marry well said old master: e'en God give them joy indeed, for by my vay, they are a good sweet young couple.  Will. 
Granam stand out o'th' way, for here come gentlefolk will run over ye else.  Enter Fortuna. Soph. & Lelia. Nurse. 
Master, here comes your son again.  Gripe. 
Is Fortunatus there?  
Welcome Fortunatus: where's Sophos?  Fortunatus. 
Here Sophos is, as much o'erworn with love,  
As you with grief for loss of Lelia.  Sophos. 
And ten times more if it be possible.  
The love of Lelia is to me more dear,  
Then is a kingdom or the richest crown  
That ere adorned the temples of a king.  Gripe. 
Then welcome Sophos: thrice more welcome now  
Then any man on earth to me or mine.  
It is not now with me as late it was;  
I lowered at learning, and at virtue spurned:  
But now my heart and mind and all is turned.  
Were Lelia here, I soon would knit the knot  
Twixt her and thee, that time could near untie,  
Till fatal sister's victory had won,  
And that your glass of life were quite outrun  Will. 
Sounds, I think he be spur-blind. Why, Lelia stands hard by him.  Lelia. 
And Lelia here falls prostrate on her knee.  
And craves a pardon for her late offence.  Gripe. 
What Lelia, my daughter? stand up wench:  
Why now my joy is full:  
My heart is lightened of all sad annoy:  
Now farewell grief, and welcome home my joy.  
Here Sophos, take thy Lelia's hand:  
Great God of heaven your hearts combine  
In virtues lore to raise a happy line.  Sophos. 
Now Phaeton hath checked his fiery steeds,  
And quenched his burning beams that late were wont  
To melt my waxen wings whenas I soared aloft:  
And lovely Venus smiles with fair aspect  
Upon the Spring time of our sacred love;  
Thou great commander of the circled Orbs,  
Grant, that this league of lasting amity  
May lie recorded by Eternity.  Lelia. 
Then wished content knit up our Nuptial right:  
And future joys our former griefs requite.  Will. 
Nay an you be good at that, I'll tell you what we'll do.  
〈…〉 I must be married tomorrow; and if you will, we'll go all tuth Church together: and so save Sir john a labour.  All. 
Agreed.  Fortunatus. 
Then march along, and let's be gone,  
To solemnize two marriages in one.  Exeunt Omnes. 
FINIS.   

THE epilogue.  
GEntles, all compassed in this circled round,  
Whose kind aspects do patronize our sports:  
To you I'll bend as low as to the earth,  
In all the humble compliments of courtesy.  
But if there be, (as 'tis no doubt there is)  
In all this round some cynic censurers,  
Whose only skill consists in finding faults,  
That have like Midas mighty Asses ears,  
Quick judgements that will strike at every stale,  
And perhaps such as can make a large discourse  
Out of Scoggins jests, or the hundred merry tales:  
Marry if you go any further, 'tis beyond their reading;  
To these I say, I scorn to lend a look,  
And bid them vanish vapours, and so let them pass.  
But to the other sort, that hear with love, and judge with favour,  
To them we leave, to censure of our play:  
And if they like our plays Catastrophe,  
Then let them grace it with a Plaudite.  Exit. 
FINIS.