Integration Three Final Gillespie 1 Victoria J. Gillespie Professor Bryan Reaume Moreau First Year Experience 4 March 2022 The Memory of a Creator Here I stand, at my own funeral, watching the solemn faces of everyone who decided to attend. I want to tell everyone that I love them, but I know they cannot hear me since I am in the afterlife now. I hear whispers about how creative I was, and I can now rest peacefully knowing that my creations are what people remember the most about me. Creation was my ultimate goal in life. I wanted to create art, something that others could enjoy. I wanted to create a great environment, one who welcomed everyone and felt secure. Most importantly, I wanted to create the best version of myself, so that when this time came I would leave my loved one without regret. I spent a long time during my life thinking about if I encountered myself in my daily life, how would I feel? Would I get along with myself? For a long time it was hard to think positively of myself, I thought that did not matter. I thought the relationship between me and myself was insignificant, until I came to learn that that was the most important relationship of all. Usually, eulogies are meant to invite others to share their thoughts and feelings towards one’s former life. However, this eulogy is personal, I want to reflect on my memories and how I’m going to be remembered. My childhood was so long ago, yet it set the tone for the rest of my life. My struggles, personal battles, and challenges all trace back to my childhood. Surrounded by instability and insecurity, I dreamt of a life where I had complete control over myself and my circumstances. At a very young age, I started to put so much pressure on myself. I thought that one wrong move mailto:breaume@nd.edu Gillespie 2 could mess up my entire life. I became very introspective, overthinking all of my actions and reactions, which caused me to experience a lot of stress and anxiety. I would try to search within myself for the answers to all of my problems. I would constantly question myself: “Why is life so hard?” “Why can’t I be happy like everyone else?” It only led to a spiral of negative thoughts, creating problems without solutions. As I matured, I learned that I should ask “what” instead of “why” more often, and it helped me acknowledge the things that were within my sphere of influence (“The Right Way to Be Introspective (Yes There’s a Wrong Way)” by Tasha Eurich PhD - Moreau FYE Week Six). I realized that it was unrealistic to try and control everything within my life, and it helped me to have a more positive opinion of myself since I stopped blaming myself for things that were outside of my control. I began to engage in positive self-talk, which made reflection a more enjoyable and beneficial experience overall. Time began to slow down, and life was no longer about producing perfection, but finding my own personal fulfillment. I used to think of every day in relation to the next, but I tried to live the majority of my life in the present (“Why We Need to Slow Down Our Lives” by Pico Iyer - Moreau FYE Week One). I found a love for art, and enjoyed sharing it with others. Drawing was one of my favorite pastimes, and I wanted to find a way to share my drawings with others. I never understood the notion of settling with one career, I could never find happiness staying in one place. By the end of my life graphic designer, illustrator, animator, video game designer, graphic novelist, and freelance artist were all titles under my name. All of these occupations gave me the opportunity and creative freedom to share my ideas with the world, a source of joy that no other industry could give me (“Navigating Your Career Journey” Meruelo Family Center for Career Development - Moreau FYE Week Four). Standing before me are people who mourn my https://ideas.ted.com/the-right-way-to-be-introspective-yes-theres-a-wrong-way/ https://ideas.ted.com/why-we-need-a-secular-sabbath/ https://undergradcareers.nd.edu/navigating-your-career-journey---moreau/ Gillespie 3 absence, but I hope they always feel my presence through my work. People would always tell me that they could tell when I had a role in creating something, that those words always put a smile on my face. Oddly enough, my artwork always reminded me of my death. I would often think about what part of me will live on, and how I could surround my legacy in positivity. After I finished school, I spent the best part of my life creating up until the day I died. I was well aware of the limited time I had, and treated every art piece as if it was my last (“Meet the Nun Who Wants You to Remember You Will Die” by Ruth Graham - Moreau FYE Week Three). I framed my life around those who had amazing legacies, a strong influence on me was Theodore Hesburgh. I wasn’t very religious myself, but that was a man who truly did his best until the end; I wanted to be as influential as him (“Hesburgh” by Jerry Barca and Christine O’Malley - Moreau FYE Week Two). When I knew my life was coming to an end, I was not sure if I had succeeded in having a positive impact on those around me. However, I look around this room and see the amount of people I reached and I know that I have a reason to feel proud of myself. My family decided to put up one of my self-portraits instead of a photograph near my casket, and it makes me happy to see just how important my artwork is to others. I think about how easy it is to make these statements now, how “proud” I am of my life. I remember for a long time I found it hard to talk about myself positively, and struggled with confidence. Simply having the ability to be at ease with how my life has ended is a sign of how much my soul grew throughout the years. I had to learn to take down my barriers, and let people into my “jurisdiction” (Chapter 8 of “Tattoos on the Heart” by Greg Boyle - Moreau FYE Week Seven). I was so guarded for a long time, and coming to peace with the feelings I had toward myself and others was what allowed me to lead a life worthy of praise. One of my most influential memories that made me begin to be more kind towards myself was a conversation I https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/14/us/memento-mori-nun.html https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/14/us/memento-mori-nun.html https://notredame.hosted.panopto.com/Panopto/Pages/Viewer.aspx?id=10159379-7eca-4549-8581-ab9500c9ecd9 https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/40299/files/523820/download?download_frd=1 Gillespie 4 had late at night with some friends back in college (Conversation with Friends - Moreau FYE Week Five). I told them about how critical I was of myself, and my stress around not being good enough for anyone, or anything I seek to do in life. Seeing that they still had a deep appreciation for everything that I did despite the flaws that I mentally fixated on motivated me to have a better self-image. Those five friends are sitting in this funeral service today, and hearing their eulogies put my soul more at ease. I know nobody here at my funeral will hear me, but I want them to know that their love and support for me allows me to rest in peace. I created a life that was full of love and positivity, now I can go into my eternal rest knowing that my life was a life well-lived.