CP_Box133_036466514


 



 



!Jnlerview will"

Raphael c. McCarthy, S. J.

t'l
DANIEL A. LORD, SJ.

GROW UP
..

AND MARRY

THE QUEEN'S WORK
3115 s. GRAND BLVD. ST. lOUIS 18, MO.



Sti. Ludovici, die 10 AugU8ti 1946

Imprimi potest:
Joseph P. Zuercher, S. J

Praep. Prou. Missourianae

Nihil obstat:
William Fischer, S. T. D .

.
'

Censor Librorum

Imprimatur:
æ Joannes J. Glennon

Archiepiscopus Sti. Ludovici

ANY FINANCIAL PROFIT made by the Central
Offiice of the Sodality will be used for the
advancement of the Sodality Movement
and the cause of Catholic Action.

Copyright 1945
THE QUEEN'S WORK



Interview with

RAPHAEL c. McCARTHY, S.J.
By DANIEL A. LORD, S.J.

GROW UP AND MARRY
.

"T HE chief reason why marriages
fail

is the fact that people just don't grow
up." Father Raphael C. McCarthy was talk­
ing. ·One of the most eminent psychologists
in the United States, he got his doctorate in
psychology from the University of London
in 1925. He had previously taken a course
in medicine at St. Louis University. Since
then he has been head of the Department
of Psychology at St. Louis University, presi­
dent of Marguette University in Milwaukee,
and president of Regis College in Denver,
Colorado.

We had asked him to explain why so
many modern marriages go on the rocks ..
We wanted him to talk less as a priest than
as a psychologist. We wanted him to ex­
plain less out of his experience in counsel­
ing the hundreds of young couples who
have come to him than from a study of
those psychological problems which seem
to make modern marriage hesitate, trip,
and fall.

Happiness and Salvation
'�I am glad you want me to talk about

marriage," he said. "Certainly the whole
subject of marriage is of the greatest inter­
est to the majority of people. It should be,

-3-



It was intended that most people should
marry, and most people do marry.

"Happiness in marriage is often a very
sure way to save one's soul. Married peo­
ple can so easily help each other to reach
not only happiness but God. So a happy
marriage is a wonderful blessing. An
unhappy marriage is a terrible affliction.
Indeed a man and a woman may make a
great success in other fields and find their
success empty and uninspiring if they have
to return every night to a home in which
there is no peace and little understanding.
One's own home life is more important than
any words can explain.

"Since we 'are today so interested in the
state, we ought to realize that the state
itself depends upon happy homes. You can't
have a solid, firm, vigorous nation unless
you have pure, happy, peaceful homes in
that nation.

"So any attempt that can possibly be
made to bring about success in marriage
is entirely on the right line. 'I'hat is why
the Church has been so extremely solicitous
about marriage and why it safeguards mar­
riage . in every way that it can."

Father McCarthy smiled his extremely at­
tractive smile.

"Perhaps," he said, "it always comes as
a surprise - perhaps even with something
of scandal - that a priest should set him­
self up as an authority on marriage. By
what right does he advise about marriage?
What in the world does he know about the
whole matter?

-4-



Objective Viewpoint
"These are questions that we might as

well face frankly before I go on with this
interview. I personally think that the priest
has every right to advise on marriage. In­
deed looking at marriage calmly and coolly
-as he .can, because he is not hampered

. by a subjective viewpoint-I think. he can
see it more clearly than can almost any­
one else in the world.

HA doctor, you know, does not have to
sample all his drugs in order effectively to
prescribe. Certainly he does not have to
have all the illnesses himself in order to
know how to cure those illnesses.

"So a priest can talk about marriage
without himself ever having been married
and can give advice to married people
about a career which he has never entered.
First of all he has years of training before
he is ordained a priest. In my particular
case, I had a thorough study of psychology
after I became a priest. Then through ex­
perience a priest comes to know hundreds
of couples before and after they are mar­
ried. Re listens to their stories and learns
from them a great many practical problems
and solutions beyond those which anyone
could find in books of moral theology.

Marriage Today
"Certainly," he said, smiling again, "a

mature priest ought to know a great deal
more about marriage than do the young­
sters who rush into it with no training and
no experience whatsoever.

-5-



"So I find myself talking without any
embarrassment .to couples who come to me
for advice on marriage. I have tried to fore­
stall the difficulties that might arise. I
have tried to show them in advance what
the difficulties would be; for when a person
knows the difficulty, the difficulty is al­
ready largely overcome."

Father McCarthy took a more comfort­
able position and continued reflectively.

"The truth about marriage today is not
particularly pleasant. It has fallen into de­
plorable conditions. Anyone who reads or
keeps his eyes open knows that there are
uncounted broken homes and that these
arise out of the terrible bitterness that
people find in marriage and the disillusion­
ment that often follows the honeymoon.

"Now none of these conditions," he said,
lifting a warning hand, "flow from the na­
ture of marriage itself. They are the conse­
quences of sheer thoughtlessness on the
part of those who contract marriage. They
are the failures of those who play a game
and refuse to live up to the rules that gov­
ern it.

Give and Take

"Marriage is, as anyone can see, an ex­
tremely intimate affair. It makes so many
demands

. upon the persons involved that
only when the partners are temperamental­
ly adjusted to one another is the marriage
likely to be a success. If you stop to think
of it, there is no other relationship in mod­
ern life that is so really close ,as the rela-

-6�



tionship in marriage. As a consequence be­
yond all other relationships it needs adjust­
ment on the part of both the man and the
woman.

"Remember: A marriage does not create
character defects; it simply reveals them.
It does not make people adaptable or in:"
adaptable. It merely gives them an oppor­
tunity to show whether or not they are
capable of adapting their dispositions and
characters and natures. Marriage is un­
thinkable without constant give and take.
It demands a supreme tolerance. It survives
only if there is. constant forgiveness. Cer­
tainly there is the need constantly to be
forgiven.

"So naturally any wise man advises a
couple before marriage to study one an­
other very carefully. Is there a willingness
to play the game of give and take? Is she
able to check impulsiveness and thought­
lessness? Has he a high sense of duty and
obligation? Or does either do things just
for the fun of it?

A Change for the Betfer
"There are some natures that fit well to­

gether. There are some natures that despite
a surface physical appeal naturally irritate
each other. Marriage does not, I repeat,
create dispositions; it merely reveals them.
Yet young people look upon this revelation
of character as if it were a complete change
of character. 'I'm so disillusioned,' you will
hear them say. 'The person I loved changed
so much after we were married.' That is

-7-



perfectly ridiculous. What happened after
marriage was merely that the man or the
woman displayed a disposition or a char­
acter which he or she had always had. Or
-worse-after the hoodwink of romance
had fallen from his eyes, the man (or the
woman) suddenly saw his partner as she
really was and not as wishful love had
painted her.

"The plain truth is that marriages, if
they are to succeed, demand one kind of
change-a change for the better. The mar­
riage is a success if the person can say,
'The one I married has. changed so much
that he is a vastly more attractive person
than he was when I married him.' And even
here the verdict is probably not correct;
for all that has happened has been that he
has manifested virtues and characteristics
which have made him seem more lovable
and attractive. The qualities were probably
always there."

Father McCarthy looked up quickly.

Success and Failure

"But I imagine that what you want to
know is: What qua.lities make for success
and what qualities make for failure? I can
very easily give you the first reason for
failure. People just do not grow up. One of
the parties in the marriage remains emo­
tionally immature. He or she goes on play­
ing a child's game in a state of life that de­
mands the emotions and feelings of an adult.
He wants to go on being a child when he
should have the ability to assume respon-

-8�



sibilities and to face the realities of life.
Children do not marry. They couldn't make
a success of marrage. Adults who remain
juvenile and adolescent foredoom their own
marriages to failure.

"It is easy to understand what we mean
"by maturity. It simply indicates a condition
of complete development. Legally a person
is mature when he has reached his full

growth.
"There are several kinds of maturity. The

first and simplest is physical maturity. This
means that a person has reached his full

physical stature. Time takes care of this
without a great deal of cooperation on the
part of the individual. The individual can of
course violate the laws of his physical na­
ture-eat badly, dissipate his energies, fail
to get the necessary sleep, or. Iive in un­
wholesome surroundings.' But given even
half a chance, the ordinary m'an and woman
reach physical maturity without a great
deal of effort or thoughtful planning.

"Then there is intellectual maturity. This
means that the person has developed opin­
ions. He holds these opinions with some de­
gree of firmness. His opinions begin to have
value. He can make a correct judgment.
He has the ability to manage his own af­
fairs."

Father McCarthy looked very thoughtful.

Emotional Maturity
"Now physical and intellectual maturity

-each of these characteristics taken singly
or both together-by no means guarantees

-9-



emotional maturity. It is quite possible­
and it often happens-that a man is six
feet two, weighs 210 pounds, displays con­
siderable' intellectual ability, and yet reacts
to his own personal problems exactly as, a
child reacts. He flies into sudden rages. He
is easily hurt. He is impulsive and acts
without thinking. He seems to have a dis­
tinct lack of self-control,

"I should be exaggerating if I said that
only the rare individual attains emotional
maturity. But I must say regretfully that
an appalling number never really grow up
as far as their emotions are concerned,"

Naturally this interested us very much,
so we asked Father McCarthy to continue
and explain for us exactly what this emo­
tional maturity implies. When is a person
emotionally grown up? What makes an
adult act like a child?

Father McCarthy proceeded to discuss all
this most willingly.

Degrees of Response
"A person has reached emotional matur­

ity when he has developed the ability to
manage his own emotional responses. Small
difficulties do not throw him into gloom and
pessimism. Small problems which would ut­
terly perplex a child do not make him lose
his peace of mind. Sudden situations do
not long disturb him. He can handle emer­
gencies with calmness and dispatch.

"Perhaps, one of the clearest signs of emo­
tional maturity in a person is his realiza­
tion that there are degrees of emotional

-10-,



responses. Most of the time these responses
should be partial. A child goes all out over
every emotional experience. He. stubs his
toe, and he bursts into tears. He is fright­
ened, and he falls into a complete panic.
He is angry, so he breaks whatever hap­
pens to be in his hands.

"An adult is. quite different. He does not
waste a tremendous emotional response on
some relatively trifling affair. He can feel
fear without going into a complete panic.
He can know the surge of anger and yet
not burst into an uncontrollable rage. He
can meet a new situation and be puzzled by
it and yet not feel that the world has come
to an end. He can be thwarted or disap­
pointed and not burst into heartbreaking
tears.

The Adolescent

"Anyone who knows youngsters knows
that the�e· are definite signs of adolescence.
The adolescent is very sensitive -- indeed
oversensitive-to what other people think.
He is afraid of his own decisions and pre­
fers not to make decisions. On the other
hand when adults or others offer him an
opinion, he regards it with suspicion and
fear. He often has a kind of stubborn sulki­
ness and is full of quick moods which raise
him to heights and drop him to depths. The
tantrum characterizes the spoiled child.
The quick release of emotional expression,
screams or shouts or tears or giggles, are
all part of the years of immaturity.

"Now certainly an uncontrolled person,
.-11-



an immature person, is not likely to make
a successful marriage. On the contrary the
fact that a person is not grown up is the

very first reason for his being sure that he
cannot make a good marriage. Marriage is
an adventure that is meant for adults. It
is a success between people who have ma­
ture, developed, or controlled characteris­
tics.

"People must realize that success in. mar­
riage, happiness after the wedding, is not
an accident. It is a positive achievement
worked out by two people. It is a union of
two mature personalities, each of which has
a full development and each of which must
manifest discipline and self-control. If there
is a lack of development and a lack of con­
trol, there is much fault, and the conse­
quences are jar and conflict and rub and ir­
ritation and annoyance. The marriage is not
likely to be a success if the people behave
with the emotional instability that charac­
terizes children and adolescents."

Selfishness

Father McCarthy paused for a minute, as
if searching for exactly what he wanted to
say.

"All this may still be a little vague," he
said. "So let's take the two outstanding
emotional instabilities. Let's see those big
offenders. Let's look at those signs of emo­
tional immaturity that are most likely to
wreck a modern marriage."

We settled back, prepared to listen in ..
-12-



tently for what we regarded as the heart of
our interview.

"The great, common, outstanding mani­
festation that a man has not grown up or

that a woman is still a child is plain
selfishness.

"When you stop to think of it, the very
first lesson that every person has to learn
is the lesson of unselfishness. Of course it
is difficult to learn. Of course we spend a
lifetime practicing unselfishness. But for a
successful marriage unselfishness is abso­
lutely essential. A child is by nature selfish.
That is as it must be. All his interests are
centered in himself. In the words of the old

song, he wants what he wants, when he
wants it. The world outside of him appeals
to him not at all except in so far as it min­
isters to his self-satisfaction. The child
never gives a thought to the comfort or
convenience of others. He is quite untroubled
by their problems or their pains.

"Nature has arranged it that way, and
adults accept this fact. Weare moved by
the child's helplessness. The very fact that
he cannot take care of himself invites the
rest of us to serve him willingly.

Childish Tricks

"But even the infant is a human being.
He soon learns that people are waiting on
him. He learns. that by little tricks he can
impose upon them. When he is in pain or
hungry or when he wishes to have his posi­
tion changed, he instinctively cries. He finds
out that when he cries adults rush to his



assistance. He does not as yet know the con­
nection between his tears and the im­
mediate service that he gets. He knows only
that when he cries he gets service, and he
soon learns that tears are an easy way
to browbeat his elders into dancing atten­
tion upon him. So when he is uncomfort­
able, he. cries; and almost immediately the
adults make him comfortable. This is quite
too simple, so he repeats the process. He
cries when he wants something. He cries
when he is hungry or in pain. But he cries
when he just wants attention. Sometimes
we think that he cries merely because he
notices that the adults are peaceful and
contented and he has found the perfect way
to disturb this peace.

.

Parents' Failure

"Now this way of meeting an emergency
and getting what one wants is fine for chil­
dren. We accept it in them. It is after all
the child's' only weapon and his one effec­
tive appeal.

"Naturally however this can't go on. The
child can't continue to cry all his life. He
can't constantly think of himself and never
of others. He has to realize that the com­
fort and convenience of those around him
must also be considered.

"So a child in a well-regulated family is
soon taught to control his tears. He is
trained to subordinate his desires to the
rights and conveniences of others. He learns
to fit his life into the family pattern. He
is. taught that he cannot always have his

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-15-

own way in a house where there are many
other people' in addition to himself. Cer­
tainly all the services of the 'household can­
not be placed at his disposal.

"Naturally the child does not want to
give up his easy tears and his swift way
of exercising power over others. Yet he has
to relinquish these weapons. Hence it is
the job of the parents to teach him con­
sideration for others and the beginnings of
unselfishness.

"Many parents fail their children badly
in this regard. They accede to the child's
unreasonable demands, and the child soon
finds that his parents actually reward his
annoying or irritating conduct. He cries
long and loud, and he gets what he wants.
He stiffens, holds his breath, and gets red
.in the face until the frightened mother
yields, picks him up, holds him against her
breast, walks the floor with him, and gives
him the attention that he wanted. So the
next time he desires something, he lets out
another healthy bellow. The next time he
has some ungratified whim, he proceeds to
frighten his young mother once more al­
most to death.

Intelligent Parents
"In the same way a child will fly into a

rage when he meets with some opposition.
He will fling himself down on the floor, beat
the rug with his heels, and yell and scream
at the top of his lungs. Instead of being
punished for this, he finds. his doting and
badly instructed parent immediately giv-



ing in and granting him whatever he
wished. He is being rewarded for his bad- J
ness and is being given favors in return for
a display of emotional fireworks. What the
parents have done is encourage his selfish
conduct. They have built up in him a con-
viction that if he misbehaves long enough
he can get anything that he wants.

"On the other hand wise parents teach
their children to conquer their sefishness.
Wise parents early set about to break sel­
fish habits. They do not immediately rush
to the child who cries. They do not tolerate
displays of selfish rage. They do not en­
courage the child in his manifestation of
bad disposition. Almost at once they start
to correct selfish habits, hard as these are
to break. For they know that the whole
question of peaceful living or of constant r
conflict with others depends upon the way ,
that the child is taught self-conquest and I
self-discipline.

"The easiest possible thing is to develop
a selfish attitude. Any careless parent can
achieve this for a child. Any careless par­
ent can encourage a child in his egocentric
attitude. But what a handicap this is to
the child's success in life, to the happiness
of his marriage, and to the whole question
of peaceful living.

Painful Learninq

"Let's take the case of the spoiled baby
who becomes the petted child. He won't al­
ways be surrounded by the slavish atten­
tion of his parents. Soon in a new atmos-

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I
,

phere he must meet new companions. These
other youngsters are not going to give in
to his whims. They are utterly unimpressed
by his tears. His rages they find merely
funny or annoying. 80 when the norma]
processes by which he used to get what he
wanted now fail him, he reacts in intense
irritation. He strikes out at his companions,
struggles against them, insists on his self­
ish whims, and in most instances loses. He
finds he does not make friends. Children do
not like him. Yet he continues to' struggle.
His emotional outbursts worked with his

parents; he believes he will make them
work with his new companions.

"What his selfishness 'has done has been
to plunge him into an endless struggle. He
has not learned the principle of give and
take: If he expects consideration for him­
self, he has to show consideration for
others. He has to make reasonable sacri­
fices of himself if he is to live at peace
with others. Ultimately any advantage for
himself depends on his winning friends,
making them like him, manifesting a de­
gree of concern for their interests, and
wanting to make them happy.

"As you can see, the principles of unself­
ishness cannot be taught in six easy les­
sons. They are learned often painfully. But
sad and unhappy is the adult who has never
learned them at all.

"Now let's take the case of the child who
has never learned to subordinate his will to
the common good. He always sets his rights
above the legitimate rights of others. He

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may come from a very good home and yet
be emotionally untrained. He may be phys­
ically and mentally highly developed and
yet be utterly spoiled.

"When children of this type come to
marry, they carry into marriage a handicap
that is almost impossible to overcome. Mar­
riage is a cooperative concern, a fifty-fifty
partnership. It is a venture that involves
equal rights and equal duties. The obliga­
tions and privileges must be made to har­
monize for the purpose of attaining a com­
mon goal. One person cannot do all the tak­
ing and the other all the giving. One can­
not make all the concessions and the other
none of the concessions.

The Other's Good

"And yet there are thousands of mar­
riages that are doomed to unhappiness.
They are made by men and women who live
entirely for themselves, judge their part­
ner in marriage on one sole basis: 'How far
does he (or she) contribute to my personal
happiness 1 How far is he (or she) willing
to set aside his. (or her) own desires in order
to satisfy my personal whims l'

"Oh of course love is essential for suc­
cessful marriage. But love implies altru­
ism, the strong and effective desire to make
someone else happy. Love demands. a will­
ingness to seek first the good of the other.
It is not love at all unless it is willing to
make sacrifices-and make them frequent­
ly.

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The Man Observes ••.

"Now selfishness these days does not
take the form of wife-beating. Selfishness
is not always so obvious as nagging. Some­
times it is not crude or blatant. It does not
need to be .. The small stone in the shoe
can cause pain and do damage. The great ir­
ritations in married life may be few. But
the constant pain of small irritations, the
necessity to live with a person who is con­
stantly, even though moderately, selfish­
this is what wrecks marriages. Strangely
enough a thoroughly selfish person may be
not notably selfish in business. He may show
little signs of selfishness with the people
that he meets just for a brief time. Some­
times very selfish people will, in their desire
to impress others, manifest outside their
own homes a remarkable unselfishness of
attitude..

"But let a person live long with another
person; let them feel the release which
comes through the intimacy of marriage,
and all the circumstances are there to mani­
fest the selfishness which is the heart of
their nature.

"So a prudent young man will slowly and
carefully study the lady whom he intends
to make his partner in marriage. He will
watch to see how she acts with others.
Much more important to observe is her con­
duct with her relatives than with stran­
gers. Many a person is extremely pleasant to
strangers and yet in his selfishness is hide­
ously unpleasant to those of his own blood."

-1'9-



The Girl Observes ••.

Father McCarthy was speaking now with
great emphasis.

"I' strongly advise girls to be very slow
about picking out the young men they want
to marry. A girl ought to watch for every
sign of selfishness. She òught to watch
especially for those small signs. that are the
real giveaway.

"For instance . . . If he stays in his .car
when he comes to call for her and summons
her by honking his horn, that is a selfish
gesture. If she finds that he is constantly
hinting how irresistible he is to women,
and if he boasts of the number of women
who have fallen for him, he is crassly con­
ceited and hence a crassly selfish young
man. She should beware of him if any criti­
cism makes him sulky and if he resents her
not responding always and immediately to
his suggestions. He is selfish if he is an­
noyed when she asks some small favor for
her family, some small consideration to be
shown the things that her mother or father
likes done around the house. She might even
watch to see whether he takes the most
comfortable chair in the living room. Dees
he always insist on doing what he wants to
do whether or not she, likes it? For exam­
ple do they always spend the evening at
the kind of entertainment .that he enjoys?
Does he push aside with no consideration
whatsoever the type of amusement she
likes?

-20-



"Anyone can see that these signs of self­
ishness are really very trivial. They are no
more trivial however than the symptoms of
a disease; they are the symptoms of that
selfishness which makes marriage unhappy
and often intolerable.

"Don't think for a moment that selfish­
ness is merely a male vice. Girls have their
own special forms of selfishness, and they
are many.

"So since many marriages are spoiled by
the. selfishness of the wife, the prospective
husband should carefully watch the girl for
signs of this thoughtless selfishness. Many
a woman, as we well know, takes it for
granted that her husband should manifest
a great deal of thoughtfulness for her. He
should be generous with his gifts. Re should
show every consideration for her every
wish. Quite right. But what is to be said
for the woman who accepts these gifts
without gratitude, who takes her husband's
virtues for granted, who acts as if his
courtesies were entirely her due?

"Often enough the hus band turns out to
be the quite forgotten man.

"American husbands manifest a mag­
nificent loyalty and unselfishness in many
cases. They are kind in word and generous
in conduct. But that unselfishness will not
continue after the husband finds that he is

getting very little in return from his wife
or from his children, whom his wife has

-21-

The Little Irritation,



Checking ••• Courtship and Marriage
"Therefore I advise any young man to

make a careful study of the girl he wants
to marry and a keen analysis of her char­
acter. Is she cheerful? Has she a happy
disposition? Is she considerate and thought­
ful when she deals with others? Does she
see the good in other people, or does she
see only-and always-their mistakes and
blemishes? If he is generous, does he find
her taking advantage of his generosity? Is
she willing on occasions to do things his way
and to accede to his wishes and desires?
When there is something that he wants' to
do or when he expresses a particular wish,
does she turn on him and charge him with
selfishness? Indeed is she always charging
other people with selfishness?

"Important as it is for people .to check
each other's qualities before marriage, such
checking should not stop with marriage.
The wise married couple will constantly
check themselves. They have to find out
how far they are developing personal self­
ishness. Are they manifesting after mar­
riage habits of real childishness?

trained to regard their father as a per­
petual Santa Claus.

The Spoiled Chil,d

"All this care is particularly important
in the matter of an only child. An only
child has twenty per cent less chance -of
being happy in marriage than has one who
has brothers and sisters. You see, an only

-22-

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child runs a real danger of being spoiled,
and any spoiled child becomes an adult who
is hard to get along with.

"But - and for obvious reasons - if a

young man has had too many sisters, he
may turn out to be a less satisfactory hus­
band. A large family of sisters is likely to
spoil the only boy. He may get into the
habit of expecting to be waited on; indeed
he may grow very impatient with his one
wife's failure to take care of all the details
of his comfort which formerly had been
handled by a bevy of sisters.'

"But coming back to the only child. . . I
am only stressing the obvious when I say
that an only child is likely to have a very
exaggerated idea of his own importance.
He sees himself as the center of life in his
home. He has had the undivided attention
of his father and mother. This he takes for

granted; in fact he expects it, and later on
he may come to demand it."

Dependence

Father McCarthy now made a transition
which, we could see, was inspired by what
he had been talking about.

"That subject of an only child brings me
to the second manifestation of emotional

immaturity. There is that holdover from
childhood by which a person retains a child­
ish dependence upon his .parents,

"In the normal process of development a
person's feelings should be widely dis­
trìbuted. An infant concentrates on his

-23-



mother, and this is perfectly natural. Even
when he grows a little older, he sets her
apart and regards her with a very special
love.

"But this quite intelligible love of child­
hood cannot remain focused on one person.
It should reach out as the child grows old­
er, toward playmates, associates, other
members of the family. Yet you will find
cases w here the love does remain fixed upon
the mother. The child is encouraged to love
her and her alone. He finds that life is
very comfortable if he is constantly in her
company. 80 the child, who was meant to in­
clude in his affection a number of people,
reserves his affection for his mother, the
sole object of his devotion.

nA child of this type grown to physical
maturity is very likely to make an unsuc­
cessful marriage. He cannot switch his love
from his mother to his. wife. Even after

marriage he clings to his mother. During
the days when he is planning for marriage,
he is thinking of his mother rather than of
the girl he intends to marry.

"Putting it flatly and frankly, I should
say that such a young man or such a young
girl simply has not grown up.

"Often enough it is 'the mothers who are
to blame for this situation. They seize avid­
ly upon the love of their children. Especially
will this happen in cases where the mother
has lost her husband or where the husband
does not show the affection that the wife

-24-



would like to ha ve. Then the mother turns
to the child and clings to him or her with
passionate intensity. She builds a wall
around the child, making him the object of
abnormal solicitude.

Mother Image
"Needless to say, this is extremely harm­

ful for any child. It makes him oversensi­
tive. His mother never criticizes him, so he
is furious when others criticize him-or he
is hurt or crushed. She has never seen any
fault in him, and consequently she has never
given him any of that discipline which is
necessary for self-control and for any type
of successful marriage.

"The mother's constant attention has de­
veloped in 'the child an exalted sense of his
own importance. He loves his mother be­
cause she has been so good to him. He is
afraid that no one else could ever be so
'good to him, so he withholds his love from
others. Then when he grows to manhood,
that love which nature had meant him to
transfer to or at least share with his wife
remains concentrated upon his mother.

"Many children of this type never marry
at all. The boy will continue to Vjait for
some ideal woman who never comes along.
For he constantly compares all women with
his mother, and he never finds a woman
who matches the qualities he has known in
her.

"Many boys of this type marry women
older than' themselves. You will notice that
the woman that such a man eventually

-25-



picks out is very much like his own mother.
His wife is never quite a wife; she is rather
like a mother image.

"Toward his wife a man of this type will
feel that reverent attitude which he felt
toward his mother; such reverence is a very
different thing from the love which he
should feel for his wife.

Comparing
"Constantly in his own mind and often

in outwa�d speech he compares his wife
with his mother, contrasting their cooking,
their housekeeping, their ways of dressing,
their friends. You see, the mother-in-law

problem can become a very acute one. It
can have a real basis in the bad training of
a child.

"Now the tragedy of all this is that his
comparison of his wife and his mother is
usually not based on truth. He has an ideal
picture of the doting woman who lavished
her affection upon him; he compares his
wife, not with a real woman, but with the
dream woman who made life so luxurious
for him.

"After he is married, he seems to forget
that he married a young woman of his own

age; he regrets that he did not marry some­
one of the maturity and full development
of his mother. So he fails to give his wife
time and opportunity to become the expe­
rienced cook and housekeeper that his
mother was as long as he had known her.
He finds that his wife is losing glamour in
his eyes simply because she is not in every-

-26-



thing that she, does or says or thinks an
exact duplicate of his mother."

Father McCarthy raised hi.s hand to ward
off a possible objection.

Exce,ssive Leve

"Please do not think that I am in any
way belittling family affection. Any child
is lucky to have a happy home environment.
But that home should not be allowed to in­
terfere with the happiness of the home
that he establishes after his marriage. The
beautiful thing which is his love for his
mother should not degenerate into a stupid
dependence and a romantic idealization,
which make the realities of married life in­
tolerable.

"A mother often hates to see her boy
grow up. She resents the friendships which
he establishes with strangers. She tries to
prevent the boy from turning in affection
toward other people. In fact she seems to
find it almost impossible gracefully to step
aside �r even in a limited degree to share
her son with the normal friends he should
be making.

"This excessive love of a mother so
handicaps the child that only with great
difficulty does he become adult.

"In the same way a person who has been
too sheltered from temptation and from
life's difficulties may turn out to be a very
unsatisfactory husband or wife. He has'
never learned to stand on his own feet.
He has not been taught to make a decision

-27-



and then to take the consequences that fol­
low once the decision has been made. A
mother's brooding love has kept tempta­
tion far from him. It has shielded him in
every trial. It has forestalled his decisions;
it has made decisions for him.

Unnatural Protection

"Of course I can understand why mothers
want to protect their children. Naturally
they want to shelter them against the
problems of childhood. But there may be in
this maternal attitude a deep parental self­
ishness. We have all known parents who ac­
tually developed situations to keep a child
with them or dependent upon them. They
have made the child unfit to face life. What
they have done by this is create disgruntled
old bachelors and sour old maids, who should
have married had they not been so carefully
sheltered in their parental home that they
were unable to leave the nest and make
lives of their own.

"Parents of this type discourage friend­
ships. They ridicule the suitor who comes
to the house or scoff at the girl in whom the
son is interested. They indicate very clearly
that friends are not wanted; and when
friends do come to the house, they are soon
made to feel that they are not welcome.
These parents cut down the normal social
life of their children and insist that the
children should be entirely satisfied with
the company of their mother and father.
Often the mother will provide a social life
which is so very satisfactory that it elim-

-'- 28 -



inates the desire for any other. social life.

Ultimately it stunts the child's ability to
deal with people or to enter the normal life
that an adult should lead.

"Of course such procedure is rank in­
justice. It is a stupid thwarting of children,
especially of adolescent children, by keep­
ing them completely dependent.

"This type of child is likely to remain a
dependent child all his life. Children who
have been spoiled in this way never become
adults emotionally.

Guidance Toward Adulrhcod

"All their life they remain stunted and
(J( thwarted, and in marriage they are likely

k

to be sad and often misunderstood failures.

"Undoubtedly parents must and should
protect their children. But in childhood and
later in adolescence the children should be

given plenty of opportunity to decide for
themselves. They should be encouraged to
choose their own clothes, to select their
own friends and amusements. They should
be cut away from regimentation and taught
early to act like adults.

"Otherwise they are without preparation
catapulted into those conditions of life
which surround adulthood. They are
plunged into a marriage for which they are
utterly unfitted. They are doomed to un­
happiness.

Adolescence Versus Adulthood

"Adolescence might be defined as that
period during which a child is made over

-29-



into an adult. This means that the period
should be characterized by definite traits.
An adolescent should have a wide interest
in young people. He should fall in love easily
-and perhaps often. There is no particular
reason why the boy or the girl during the
period of adolescence between fourteen and
seventeen should be interested in anyone
particular person for any length of time.
He is supposed to have a variety of friends
and to like them all with considerable
intensity.

"But later on, when he or she reaches
maturity, the boy or the girl, now a young
man or a young woman, is expected to con­
centrate on one person. He or she is to fall
seriously in love, settle down, feel satisfied,
and marry.

"It is the characteristic of the younger
adolescent boy that he is interested in girls
as girls and not in any particular girl. In
the same way the adolescent girl is inter­
ested in boys as boys and not in some par­
ticular boy.

"But there is something extremely un­
wholesome in this attitude if it continues
into adult years. The adult has not become
emotionally mature if he finds himself in­
capable of concentrating on one person.
There are men and women who find that
one person does not satisfy or exhaust their
powers of affection. They continue an ado­
lescent interest in a great many people.
They fall in love easily and frequently.

-30-



Interdependence

Again Father McCarthy switched his sub­
ject slightly.

"Inside of marriage the question of inter­
dependence is important. When I talked
about parents' training their children to a
degree of independence, I meant it very
seriously. But it is not abnormal that a
woman should be somewhat more dependent
than a man. Only recently have women been
thrown into competitive life. Even this has
not meant that they have reached a de- .
gree of independence that characterizes and
should characterize a man.

"But a really dependent man makes a
bad husband. He is a trial to himself and a
disappointment to his wife. He goes around
consulting anyone who will listen to him or
will show any willingness to give him ad­
vice. His wife finds that he is influenced by
the last opinion that he has heard. He
seems almost incapable of taking an objec­
tive viewpoint and making an objective
decision.

"This emotional lack makes it very dif­
ficult for him to manage successfully the
matters that will arise in his married life.

They are simply adolescents no matter
what their years."

Dominance

"Women of the clinging-vine type are not
always objectionable. In fact they might be
quite charming. But in these days when

-31-



two people marry, they should be regarded
as. equals. They should learn to share their
problems and divide their labors. I should
suggest for instance that it is the wise
policy for the man to handle the business
matters and for the woman to administer
the home.

"But if one of the partners is going to
be dominant, that dominant one should be
the man. Statistics show that the homes i�
which the woman is dominant are only
forty-seven per cent happy. Homes where
the man is the dominant element are sixty
per cent happy. But for real happiness there
should be a partnership and no particular
dominance of either the husband or the
wife. A marriage of this last type is likely
to be eighty per cent successful and happy.

"So the best advice that I could possibly
give to those who are about to be married
is the advice to grow up first. This means
the elimination of major selfishness on the
part of both the man and the woman. It
means the careful avoidance of either a
man or a woman who shows by his or her
conduct an unwholesome dependence upon
a mother."

-32-



 



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