Program for widows






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PROGRAM
FOR WIDOWS

D. F. Miller, C.SS.R.

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Published by

LIGUORIAN PAMPHLETS
REDEMPTORIST FATHERS

Liguori, Mo.



Imprimi Potest:

John N. McCormick, C.SS.R.
Provincial, St. Louis Province,

Redemptorist Fathers
Jan. 26, 1959

Imprimatur:

© Joseph E. Ritter
Archbishop of St. Louis
St. Louis, Jan. 28, 1959

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OstcitfHted



An analysis of some of the dangers

and temptations on the one hand,

and obligations and opportunities

on the other, that must be faced by

widows.

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PROGRAM
FOR WIDOWS
D. F. Miller, C.SS.R.

One of the most difficult adjustments
that any human being is ever called upon
to make is that of the good wife, not yet
far advanced in years, whose beloved

husband is taken from her by death. At
the same time it may be said that far too
little has been written to help such wid-

ows face their new problems courageous-
ly, and build up attitudes and habits that
will save them from self-pity and bring
them a measure of peace.

In September of 1957, Pope Pius XII
delivered a magnificent instruction for

widows to the World Union of Family
Organizations. This instruction will sure-

ly be the basis and beginning of many
more practical and spiritual treatises for
widows, just as it is for the practical
thoughts that are set down here. These

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should be of value, not only to those

who are widows as of now, but to all
wives, who, without undue panic or hor-
ror, should prudently make themselves
aware that one day, in the providence of

God, the problems of widowhood may
be theirs.

The essential psychological factor that
makes young or middle-aged widowhood
a great trial is the pattern of dependence

between husband and wife that is set up
by a successful marriage. The pattern ap-
plies to both husband and wife, but more
completely to the latter. The wife or-
dinarily depends on the husband for all
the material things she needs for herself

personally and for her home; she de-
pends on him for companionship, sym-
pathy, encouragement, love; she depends

on him for protection from the world.

It is natural, then, that if the husband

is suddenly or even after an extended

illness taken by death, there will be not

only the usual sense of shock and be-

reavement, but a feeling that, in the loss

of the one on whom she depended so



much, the whole world has collapsed

around her.

It is for this reason that many widows
never seem to adjust themselves to what
God has decreed. Instead they either fall
into a continuing state of self-pity that

makes them a trial to all who know
them, or rather frantically and foolishly

and sometimes even immorally seek com-
pensations for what they have lost.

Pope Pius XII described these dan-
gers well. “Some widows,” he said,
“abandon themselves to a kind of pas-

sive resignation. They lose interest in
life and refuse to come out of them-
selves. Others, on the contrary, try to
forget; they create excuses for themselves

which dispense them from facing their
real responsibilities in a loyal and cour-

ageous manner.”

A well thought out and actively un-
dertaken program will prevent such tragic

happenings. The program will include:
1. A right and reasonable period of
mourning. 2. Strong measures to adjust

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to loneliness. 3. Readiness for special

temptations. 4. The adoption of a right
attitude toward possible re-marriage.

1. REASONABLE MOURNING

Grief over the loss of one dearly be-

loved is the most natural and spontane-

ous thing in the world. Such grief causes

irresistible tears, just as Christ Himself

wept over the death of His friend Lazar-

us and in sympathy with the tears of the

sisters of the dead man, even though He
knew that He would raise Lazarus from
the grave. There is nothing ignoble about

such tears. They draw forth the sincere
sympathy of all the relatives and friends

of the one bereaved.

Civilized society has sanctioned the

custom of one’s manifesting the natural

grief over the loss of a loved one by a

reasonable period of mourning. During

that time the bereaved person withdraws

from the activities of the world. Relatives

and friends do everything possible to

bring what comfort and relief they can.

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Gradually they hope to see the passage

of time and their own consoling words
and actions take much of the sting out
of the first acute pangs of sorrow.

There are three things that can make
a widow’s grief unreasonable, and the

normal period of mourning powerless to

heal or at least soothe the wound that
has been received.

The first is the failure to apply the
principles of faith and hope in God to
the inescapable sorrow that is being ex-

perienced. In its worst form, this mani-

fests itself in sullen bitterness against

God. In less extreme forms it is present

when the widow simply refuses to think
of her sorrow in relation to the provi-

dence of God, the sufferings of Christ

and His Mother, and the revealed value

of suffering for the welfare of the soul

of the departed and as atonement for

her own sins and the sins of the world.

Grief becomes bearable only in so far

as these basic truths are pondered. The
widow must force herself to make acts

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of faith in God’s providence, that is, in

the fundamental truth that God permits
nothing to happen without a reason that

will be known in eternity, even though
what happens seems unreasonable in

time. She must cultivate a strong hope

that she will see her husband again, and

in that hope do everything possible to

bring relief to her husband, who may be
suffering in purgatory.

She must, moreover, think of her own
suffering as light in comparison with that

of her Saviour on the cross, and of His
Mother standing beneath it as He died.

Finally, she must recognize the spirit-
ual value of suffering. If she has ever

committed a mortal sin in her life, or

even a deliberate venial sin, she must ac-
cept her bereavement as a far lesser pun-

ishment than her sin actually deserved.

She should also think of the words of

Mary to the children at Fatima, to the
effect that many souls who are rushing
headlong toward hell can be saved only
by the patient acceptance of God-sent

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suffering on the part of Christians still

living in the world.

These spiritual convictions are abso-

lutely basic. Without them, no other

measures for relieving grief will prevent

self-pity or lasting bitterness against God.

2. ADJUSTMENT TO LONELINESS

The special kind of loneliness exper-
ienced by a wife who has lost a good
husband clearly calls for a definite pro-

gram which, while it will not stifle all
loneliness, will make it fruitful and mer-
itorious. The program must have three
distinct parts.

a. The first is a vigorous determina-
tion to keep herself busy at some useful
work.

In case she has children who are still
going to school, this part of the program
will ordinarily be easily provided for.

Though it is a sad thing, from one an-
gle, for growing children to be left fath-

erless, from another angle it is a bless-
ing for the widow to have pressing tasks
at hand that must be done. In a way she

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should feel that God has a very special
confidence in her. He has made it clear
that she has the ability and strength and

grace to be both a father and mother to

her children. He wants her to apply her-
self to this task with undoubting confi-

dence that He will be at her side with
ready help for all her needs.

This is true even in the case where

economic pressures make it necessary for
the wife to get a job in order to support

the children. Sometimes in very remark-

able ways solutions will be found to the

difficult problem of keeping up the home
and holding down a job, if the widow
places herself entirely in God’s hands.

Even when there are no children, or
when the children have grown up and
left the home, the widow should, within
a reasonable time, look for some regular
work to do. This can take the form of a
commercial job, or, if she is well off,

work for a religious or charitable organ-
ization. There are all sorts of openings

for this sort of thing. It cannot be stressed

too strongly that she should not give her-

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self up to an idle life, in which her grief

will become more intense and profitless

as the years roll by.

b. The second part of the necessary
program for assuaging loneliness is the

leading of an active spiritual life. If at

all possible in conformity with her other

duties, this should mean frequent and,
at best, daily Mass and Communion. It
should mean willing participation in the
affairs of her parish, both spiritual and

temporal. The widow who drifts away
from God and from spiritual activities,
instead of drawing closer to God as a
result of her loss, gives sad proof that

she never possessed a very genuine reli-

gion. The only real cure for loneliness,
and this applies to many an unhappy
wife as well as to widows who had been
happy wives, is to be found in a life of
true friendship with Jesus Christ.

c. The third part of the program neces-
sary for lonely widows is a reasonable
amount of recreation. It sometimes hap-
pens that widows adopt and thrust upon

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all who know them an attitude repre-
sented by the words: “I shall never en-
joy myself again.” They spoil social gath-
erings by their complaints and gloomi-

ness; they resent anybody who suggests
that they do something that might relax

them for a little while.
After a reasonable period of mourn-

ing, during which it is proper to avoid

gaiety and pleasure-seeking, a widow,

like everybody else, needs recreation and

relaxation. This can take the form of a
trip now and then, of pleasant participa-
tion in social and family gatherings, and

of attending decent public entertainments.

Refusing participation in all such things

for an indefinite period can only warp
the character of anyone.

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3. READINESS FOR SPECIAL
TEMPTATIONS

There are two special kinds of tempta-

tion that widows must face as a result of

the bereavement they have suffered. They

have been hinted at in all that has been

said here previously; but they should be

analyzed directly and in detail.

The first is the temptation to be and
to remain resentful against God. It is un-

derstandable that in the first wave of
grief, a widow may have a very difficult
time resisting thoughts of bitterness

against God. But when the first shock is
over, and there has been time to think

and meditate and pray, there is no ex-
cuse for a Christian’s refusing to say

from her heart: “Thy will be done, O
God.” There is no excuse for her giving
to others the impression, by her continu-
ing complaints and gloomy attitude, even
months after the loss of her husband,
that she holds it against God that He did
so cruel a thing to her. Above all, for a
widow to stay away from the sacraments
and to do little praying is to multiply her

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miseries and to deprive herself of any

real hope of relief.
Therefore, from the first moment in

which she is able to think calmly after

the shock of bereavement, every widow
must brace herself to resist these temp-

tations : 1 ) to speak as if God had been
cruel and unjust to her; 2) to act, by

moping and complaining, as if God had
made life so miserable for her that she
would never smile again; 3) to turn her
back on the very God who died on a cross
for her redemption and eternal happiness,

by giving up regular practices of religion.

The second is a temptation that may
very well flow from her giving in to the

first. It is the temptation to seek comfort

and compensation for the loss she has

experienced in sinful associations with

men. This is the age-old outgrowth of

self-pity which eventually could make a
widow say: “I have a right to some hap-
piness; I have a right to look for and

accept love, even though it be sinful

love.”

As will be stated, below, it is not
wrong for a widow to consider the pos-

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sibility of remarriage, and after an ap-

propriate and decent period of mourn-

ing, to take up lawful company-keeping

as a possible preparation for a second

marriage. But two things are forbidden,

and they must be mentioned because they

constitute all too common temptations.

One is to accept the attentions of, and
to enter into steady company-keeping

with, a man who is validly married but
divorced or separated from his wife. (We
hardly need mention the terrible evil of

accepting attentions from any man who
is* married and living with his wife.)

There is a special attraction between

lonely people. A divorced man is lonely
and a widow is lonely, and if the widow
is not stoutly prepared to avoid sin at

any cost, and ready to flee from the least
occasion, she may succumb to a close
friendship that can be an occasion only

of infidelity to God and even of the loss
of her soul.

The other evil is that of entering into
friendship with anyone without the strict-
est observance of the rules of modesty

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and chastity. This has to be mentioned

because temptations to unchastity, which

anyone may experience, are always made
stronger by loneliness. Loneliness makes
one long for sympathy and affection. A
widow who receives such sympathy and
affection will find that she must draw on
special resources of grace and will power
not to permit the signs of affection to go

too far, that is, into the realm of sin.

4. ATTITUDES TOWARD
REMARRIAGE

Three different attitudes may be adopt-
ed by a widow in this regard. They may
be called 1) the spiritually perfect atti-

tude; 2) the less perfect but not wrong

attitude; 3) the spiritually imperfect at-

titude.

The spiritually perfect attitude is that
by which a widow decides, with due de-
liberation and perfect freedom, that she

will not marry again.

St. Paul expresses the perfection of

this attitude in the words: “A woman is



bound by the law as long as her husband

liveth; but if her husband die, she is at

liberty. Let her marry to whom she will:
but only in the Lord. But more blessed
shall she be, if she so remain, according

to my counsel.” (1 Corinthians, 7:39-40)

Pope Pius XII spoke at greater length

on the same theme in his address to Fam-
ily Organizations concerning widows.

“Although the Church does not condemn
remarriage, she shows her predilection

for souls who wish to remain faithful to
their spouse and to the perfect symbolism

of the sacrament of marriage. She re-

joices when she sees the spiritual riches
being cultivated which are proper to this

state. The first of these, it seems to us,
is a strong conviction that, far from
destroying the bonds of human and su-
pernatural love which are contracted in
marriage, death can perfect them and
strengthen them.”

The widow, therefore, who wants to
do the most perfect thing in the eyes of
God, will dedicate the rest of her life to

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the service of God without remarriage.
This will be impossible unless she adopt

a genuinely spiritual and supernatural

way of living. In due time, however, it
is even possible for such widows to make
a perfect vow of chastity, and thus add
immeasurably to the merit they are

amassing for heaven.

The less perfect, but by no means
wrong or condemned attitude of a widow
toward remarriage is that whereby she

does not make a final decision that she
will never remarry, but neither does she

set her mind on finding another husband.
She leaves the future open, meanwhile

living up to the program outlined here
in every detail. She adopts the attitude

that if, some years after the death of her
husband, an opportunity for a good, holy

marriage should present itself, she would
then make her decision with the advice
of a good confessor.

The important point is that she does
not center all her thoughts and antici-
pations on another marriage. She leaves

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the possibility of that in the hands of

Providence, determined to be a good

widow, even if she never becomes a re-

married widow.

This open-mindedness toward possi-

ble future marriage can in the course of

time be replaced with a resolve not to

marry for the love of God and in spirit-
ual fidelity to her first husband. When
such a decision is made, it should be ac-

companied by a complete dedication of
her life to God, backed up by a definite
and detailed spiritual program for daily

living.

The imperfect attitude toward remar-
riage is that of the widow who, almost
before a decent period of mourning for
her husband has passed, makes it obvi-
ous to everybody that her main desire is
to find another man who will marry her.
We call this imperfect because it usually
leads to neglect of primary duties, such

as caring for the children who are de-
pendent on her; it drives her into the
path of many temptations, not the least
of which is that of entering an invalid

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marriage; and it deprives her of all peace

of mind when it turns out that she can-
not quickly fulfill her desire. If remar-

riage is to be thought about at all by a

widow, it should be thought about mere-

ly as a possibility in the sense desribed

above.



CONCLUSION

Pope Pius XII ends his instruction for
widows on a beautiful note. He speaks
of them as having a special vocation in
the world. “The widow,” he says, “has
a special message for those about her.

She lives more by faith, who through
sorrow has won access to a more serene
and supernatural world ... to those who
are too self-enclosed or withdrawn into

themselves and have not yet discovered

the full meaning of conjugal love, she

will teach purification, necessary detach-

ment and the unwavering fidelity that
love requires.

“In regard to other widows, she will

feel herself bound in a special way to
help them fulfill their sacrifice and un-
derstand its significance. . . . For all, she
will be one whose silent and tactful char-
ity hastens to render service with a word
or a gesture wherever a more pressing
need or a greater sorrow shows itself.

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“In her family or professional relation-

ships, or with her friends, she will intro-

duce the distinctive note that character-

izes her apostolate: the testimony of her

faithfulness to a beloved memory, and
of her having found in this faithfulness

and the renunciation it involves a more
profound, more stable, more luminous
happiness than that which she had to re-
nounce.”





Published by

LIGUORIAN PAMPHLETS
REDEMPTOR1ST FATHERS

LIGUORI, MISSOURI

l’rinied in U.S.A