Choosing a partner for marriage : what to look for in a mate






Choosing a Partner

For Marriage

What to Look For in a Mate

By

John A. O’Brien, Ph.D.

“YOUR ANSWER will be kept absolute-
ly confidential,” the letter said. It was an

inquiry sent out by a large firm, asking that

we give a recommendation for a former pupil

who was seeking employment with them.
If they hired him, he would be free to

quit any time he wanted. And the company
would have the right to discharge him at

its discretion. Yet they regarded it as im-

portant enough to ask us for some sort of

evaluation of him as a prospective employee.
All this caution . . . and only on the ques-

tion of a job! If only such care were always

taken in the more important decisions of life
—such as that of finding a marriage partner.
Marriage, “a world-without-end bargain” as

Shakespeare calls it, is so important that it

demands the greatest prudence, vigilance and
caution. It is no place for cutting corners, for



scrimping, for taking for granted. It calls for

an all-out effort—mobilizing the best judg-
ment, discretion and wisdom of which a

person and his counsellors are capable.

In the selection of a helpmate, one should

look for certain qualities which will go a long

way toward ensuring the success and the

happiness of the marriage. While love in-

volves the affections of the heart, it must be

guided by reason. Otherwise it is likely to

be short-lived. What then are the qualities

or marks which a Catholic should keep in

mind in the choice of a mate?

A Practical Cadiolic
First of all, the party should be a practical

Catholic. Religion colors the whole outlook

on life. It provides incentives for much of
our conduct and supplies us with criteria for

the forming of moral judgments and the

evaluation of objects and actions in the light

of eternity. The greatest treasure which any

Catholic possesses is his holy faith. With it,

he is rich. Without it, he is poor indeed.

His religion teaches him the sanctity of

marriage and its indissoluble character.

Where the Catholic faith is held in common,

there is the strongest possible guarantee that

both receive the sacrament in complete

agreement as to their mutual obligations

and privileges in the family life. There is

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the same understanding of the moral com-

plexion of birth control, abortion and di-

vorce.

Marriage is the most intimate union which

two human beings can form. The ideal
union is one in which there is the largest area

of shared experience and of conunon ideals,

values and aspirations. The entire circum-

ferences of two human lives should coincide
and blend together. Where there are con-

siderable segments of experience in which

the other has no sharing, there is inevitably a

falling from the ideal. Where those segments
embrace such fundamental matters as one’s

relations with God and the means of attain-
ing eternal life, there results a spiritual aloof-

ness, a subtle estrangement, where com-

munity of outlook is craved most of all.

Indestructible

Among all the religious organizations in
the world, the Catholic Church alone stands
unfalteringly today, as she has for nineteen

centuries, in defense of Christ’s law concern-

ing the sanctity and the indestructible
character of Christian wedlock. Marriage is

fraught nowadays with unusual hazards.
Those hazards are vastly minimized and
almost annihilated when the powerful in-
fluence of a common religious faith is
brought to bear upon their conscience and
their heart. The first consideration for any

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Catholic then is to find a helpmate for life

among those of his own faith.
If circumstances beyond his control pre-

vent his finding a congenial prospect among

his own, then he should explain to his non-

Catholic friend how much his religion means

to him and ask her to take a complete course

of instruction. This he should do before he

becomes too deeply involved emotionally.

If he sets the proper example, prays

earnestly for her conversion, accompanies her

to all the instructions, brings her regularly to

Sunday Mass, then the evidence of the di-

vine origin of the Catholic religion along

with the truth of its doctrines and the beauty

of its worship will through God’s grace bring

conviction to her mind, peace to her heart,

and faith to her soul. She will become a

devout and fervent Catholic.

Moral Character

Closely related to religion is moral char-

acter. The term is here used to include
disposition, temperament, attitudes as well as

ethical standards. Character is basic among

the qualities to be sought in a helpmajte.

Vastly more important than appearance,

social status and wealth, moral character

penetrates to the roots of one’s being and

largely determines the nature and disposition

of the individual. It is the wellspring whence

issue such important traits as fidelity, un-

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selfishness, honesty, kindliness, sympathy, in-

tegrity. Without these no marriage can long

survive.

To build a marriage upon such superficial
qualities as good looks, winning manners and

abundant spending money, while neglecting

the solid foundation of moral character, is

like building a house upon the shifting sands.

The rock bottom upon which alone the edi-
fice of marriage can long endure is integrity

of character. An ounce of goodness will out-
weigh a ton of cleverness. Goodness breeds

charity, understanding and a capacity to

forgive and forget the little irritations along

the marital path.

Rose-colored Glasses

The tender sentiment usually causes lovers
to see each other through rose-tinted spec-

tacles. They wear their best manners and
their most engaging smiles.

Youth must struggle desperately to break
through the painted facade and the false
front of pretence and pose to glimpse the real
“McCoy” that lies beneath. When courtship
ends and the honeymoon is over, the in-
dividual’s true character comes to the surface
with a vengeance and sometimes with alarm-
ing effect. That’s likely to be the nature

which the spouse will now see morning, noon
and night. If a sound moral character is in

5



the driver’s seat, alll will be well. But if it’s

absent, well . . . there’s trouble ahead.

What a person wants in a life partner is
dependability. Like charity, that quality will

cover a multitude of defects. “When I put
my head on the pillow,” observes a young
wife, “I don’t have to stay awake, worrying

about where Joe is or what he is doing. I

can trust him absolutely. That’s the basis

of every successful marriage—mutual trust-
worthiness. Without that, you’re on the top

of a volcano and you never know when the

lid is liable to blow off.” There’s the case

for moral character ... in a nutshell.

Health

In virtually all ratings, whether for hus-

band or wife, health stands close to the top

in the list of desired qualifications. Since it

is so important for the proper discharge of

the normal functions of the family life, its

importance is readily recognized. Health of

the mind and of the body is normally a

requisite for happiness, whether a person be

single or married. When the party is mar-
ried, the complications greatly increase.

Poor health may incapacitate a man to
such an extent that he is unable to support

his family. All the members are then likely

to be pulled down into hardship, privation
and misery. Even when the disability is not

so great, it frequently occasions financial

6



worry and disturbs the family peace. The

procreation and rearing of healthy children

become difficult, if not impossible, if the wife

is a chronic invalid.

While exceptions occur, the sad fact re-

mains that in the overwhelming majority of

cases ill-health constitutes a serious impedi-

ment to normal happy family life and should

be frankly recognized as such a liability

before the marriage is contracted.

Alcoholism

One should proceed cautiously when he
discovers marked tendencies to alcoholism or

emotional instability of one kind or another in

the family of the prospect. The occurrence
of insanity or feeblemindedness in the family

stock should not only make one wary but also
prompt him to look elsewhere. Whether he
likes it or not, an individual marries not only

the bride but to a large extent her family

stock as well. Sentiment here should hearken

to reason.

There are other diseases that raise the

sign, Stop, Look and Listen! First, whenever
there is any heredity disease, of whatever

nature, one’s prospective marriage partner

has the right to know it. Such a disease
will not always be an insurmountable obstacle

to marriage, but a wise person will consult

a doctor to find out its probable effects on

his or her future family.

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Then there is the further distasteful pos-

sibility of venereal disease in one’s prospective

mate. While such disease is not always in-

dicative of previous immorality, it often is.

And apart from moral considerations, such

diseases are very contagious and can’t help

but have extremely unhappy consequences for

the health of the whole family.

Medical Exam

So serious a threat do these diseases pose

to the health and life of the marriage partner

that many states now require a medical

examination and a physician’s certificate

declaring both to be free of these diseases

before a wedding license will be issued. Even

where the law does not require such medical

proof, it should be presented voluntarily by

both.

This voluntary exchange of medical certifi-

cates is fast becoming a universal custom and

will efliminate many painful and tragic dis-

coveries which come only after the damage

has been done. Neither party should fail

under any pretense to conform with this

elementary dictate of prudence and common
sense. The failure of either to do so should

sound the danger signal at once and call for

a showdown before it is too late. One’s very

life and that of the children are at stake.



Intelligence and Education

Husbands and wives in happy and success-

ful marriages rate highly the factor of con-

genial companionship. This implies a sharing

of interests and an exchange of thoughts and

ideas which render conversation both in-

teresting and enjoyable. The emphasis on

the physical shifts increasingly to the in-

tellectual as the months and years of married

life go by. It is of enormous importance that

the partners have some similarity in intel-

ligence and in culture in order to deepen

and strengthen the bonds of their love.

Passion is like a bit of explosive. There

is a flash and a roar. It vanishes as quickly

as it came, leaving but a whiff of smoke be-

hind. Pitiful indeed is that union which

rests chiefly upon physical attraction when
the passions have largely shot their bolt. Dis-

similarity in intellligence and education has

here a fertile field for the spawning of bore-

dom, irritation, and repulsion. The delicate
threads of intellectual interests, which grow

with the years into mighty cables of strength,

are missing.

Two young people discover all too late
that marriage reposes even more upon a
knitting together of the minds than of the
bodies and that radical differences in in-
tellectual endowment and culture tend to
undermine the happiness and the stability of

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the union. Intellectual communion, a shar-

ing of interests, a pooling of hopes and

dreams beget mutual contentment, peace

and happiness and evidence that deeper love

which far transcends the merely physical.

The education of both partners, however

else it may diverge into different fields of

interest, should embrace at least all the

essentials of marriage. They should both be

thoroughly instructed in the nature and

purpose of wedlock and in the psycho-

physical differences of the two sexes. Inno-

cence is not to be confused with ignorance,

which in this field exacts a particularly

heavy toll in disappointment, frustration

and unhappiness.

Housekeeping Ability

In most testing of the qualities desired in a

mate, domesticity is rated high. By domes-

ticity is meant a pride in the home, a love

for children and a willingness to rear them,

a desire to find happiness in the family

circle and to make the home the center of

activities. Where such an interest in

the home throbs in the heart of a girl, she

will not fail to acquire proficiency in the

domestic arts. Some training in housekeep-

ing, in cooking and in all that goes to make

a house a real home should precede the

wedding.

“Tell me, Henry, did you marry that

10



pretty night club singer
” inquired Joe, “or

do you still dam your own socks and do

your own cooking?”

“Yes,” replied Henry glumly.

“Yes, what?” persisted Joe.

“I married the girl and I still darn my

own socks and do my own cooking.”

In the Kitchen

The courtship is carried on in the parlor

but much of married life centers around the

kitchen. Woe to the husband who returns
from a trying day at the office or the factory

only to face a poorly prepared meal. He will
find his patience running out. Uncompli-

mentary, if not angry words, will be throng-

ing upon him, seeking an outlet. On the
other hand, an inviting table with tastily

prepared food will bring him great pleasure

and enhance his admiration for his wife in

her important role of homemaker. “A man,”
observes Samuel Johnson, “is in general

better pleased when he has a good dinner

upon his table, than when his wife talks
Greek.”

While tasty and well-prepared meals are

not the whole of the house-keeping art, they

are an important part. The ability to keep
the home clean, neat and attractive, so that
it is a source of pride to parents and to chil-

dren bears a rich return in gratitude and

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deepened happiness. A woman’s skill in the
factory or proficiency in business or the pro-

fessions is a poor substitute for ability as a

homemaker. Man’s greatest happiness is

found at the heart of a well-ordered, smooth-

running home. To preside as the queen
over such a domestic kingdom is no small

honor for a wife and a mother.

The husband, too, must be deeply in-

terested in all that concerns the home. He
must yearn for it during the working day,

return to it at evening with eager joy, and

find his greatest contentment and happiness

with his wife and children gathered around

him at the family fireside. No preoccupation
with business affairs can excuse him from

spending the bulk of his leisure time in the

loving companionship of his family.

The Heart of the Home

Children constitute the heart of the home.

When they grow up enjoying the sympathy,
encouragement and love of their parents and

of one another, they are achieving a well

integrated personality which will stand them

in good stead in the years ahead. They are

not without their burden to parents who re-
lieve their aches and pains. But they bring

wonderful compensation to their elders and

bestow upon them a love and devotion

which no money can buy. The patter of their

12



footsteps, the hum of their eager voices and

the melody of their laughter create an
at-

mosphere charged with the fragrance of

sympathy and warmth of love. Children

convert a house into a home.

This is the note which our Holy Father

sounds with such simple eloquence in his

Encyclical on Christian Marriage; “Let,

then, those who are about to enter on mar-

ried life, approach that state well disposed

and well prepared, so that they will be able

as far as they can to help each other in sus-

taining the vicissitudes of life, and yet work

in attending to their eternal salvation and in

forming the inner man unto the fullness of

the age of Christ. It will also help them if

they behave toward their cherished offspring

as God wills: that is, that the father be truly

a father, and the mother truly a mother;

through their devout love and unwearying

care, the home, though it suffer want and

hardship in this valley of tears, may become

for the children, in its own way, a foretaste

of that paradise of delight in which the

Creator placed the first man of the human
race. Thus will they be able to bring up

their children as perfect men and perfect
Christians. They will instill into them a

sound understanding of the Catholic Church,

and will give them such a disposition and

love for their fatherland as duty and grati-

tude demand.”

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Wealth and Income

No matter how ardently a young couple
may be in love, they must keep a weather

eye peeled on the bread-and-butter realities,

on the matter of nest egg and income if they

wish to graduate from courtship into mar-

riage. Young people can’t live on love any

more than their elders can. Hence a girl

must look for a capacity to earn a living in

the marriage prospect.

Domesticity is perhaps more essential on

the part of the woman, while the ability to
provide a home and support a family is more
necessary on the part of the man.

A young man should manifest an aware-
ness of the economic necessities by setting

aside as much as possible from his monthly
salary for a nucleus with which to start his

home. He should possess a willingness to
work steadily at his job and not be shifting

constantly from job to job with no real ad-

vancement. A man who has been working
for four or five years and has saved nothing

should make a girl wonder if he has the
stability and the thriftiness which should

characterize every good breadwinner.

More important than accumulated wealth
is income. An industrious and thrifty spouse
with reasonable earning power will keep the

wolf from the door more effectively and
more permanently than a wealthy spend-

14



thrift. A fool and his money are soon parted.

What a wife needs is a husband who is will-

ing to work and to save and who is deter-

mined to make the security of the home his

primary consideration. It is good for
the

young couple to taste a little of hardship
and

sacrifice. It draws them still closer, de^ens

their love and will afford both the satisfac-

tion of working out their own econonuc

salvation.

Congeniality

Similarity in age, tastes, interest, outl(wk,

social status, education, race and religion,

makes it possible to share most things in

common and offers a strong assurance for

the success and happiness of the marriage.

Contrary to a fairly common impression,

most young people find themselves attracted

to those who are similar. All the things which

they share in common serve to deepen their

sympathy and understanding and make for

harmonious relationships. Radical differences

tend to create tense situations, friction and

strife.

Congeniality in age ordinarily implies that

the partners are of approximately ffie same

age. Since girls mature more rapidly th^

boys, they generally feel greater compatibility

with boys a year or two older. In the United

States, bridegrooms are usually a couple of

years older than their brides. This arrange-

15



ment seems to be a wise one, since upon the

man usually falls the main burden of sup-
port, and the additional years of experience

help him toward this end.

While there are marked differences be-

tween the psychological age and the chrono-

logical age oif individuals, making it difficult

to formulate a hard and fast rule, it is safe

to say that in general the ages of the partners

should be sufficiently close to contribute to a

community of interest in social and intellec-
tual activities as well as in diversions. When
the age differences exceed ten years, the

chances of widespread congeniality generally

decrease markedly.

Similarity among individuals may be
traced to inborn traits or probably more

frequently to culture. By this term is meant

not only the religious, racial, educational and

recreational customs of a people but also

their folkways, habits, attitudes, tastes, aims,

ideas and ideals. Differences of race generally

involve differences of culture. Thus a Chi-

nese peasant has a culture radically different

from an Italian peasant.

In the United States the intimate ming-

ling of different racial groups has tended to

blur the differences in their culture. Happy
and successful marriages among persons of
different racial extraction are a common and
indeed a daily occurrence. A young person
should proceed slowly and cautiously, how-

16



ever, when the cultural differences are too

radical and pronounced. Better still, he

should stop and look elsewhere. In general

it can be said that the marriage of
persons

with the maximum of congeniality in tastes,

interests, outlook and culture has the best

assurance of success and happiness.

Thoroughly Feminine

There is, however, one field in which the

emphasis should be upon the difference or

dissimilarity instead of the likeness or similar-

ity. That is in the matter of sex traits or

characteristics. A normal man admires a
woman who is thoroughly feminine. He finds

himself attracted toward her while he shies

away from the mannish woman. The girl

who apes the manners of men and becomes a
tomboy, perhaps thinking she thereby shows

herself a good sport, makes a great mistake.

Normal men experience an inner revulsion
to such masculine women.
God created man and woman with two

distinct physical and psychical natures. It is

these distinctive differences which constitute

the peculiar charm and special attraction of

the one for the other. They should be re-

spected and emphasized. The normal woman
experiences an instinctive reaction against

effeminacy in a man. She admires the man
that is virile, masculine and thoroughly

manly.

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Complementary

The marriage that gives the greatest assur-

ance of success and happiness is the one

which unites the virile man with the
feminine woman in a union where the dis-
tinctive differences complement the deficien-

cies of each other and thus enable both to

achieve a larger and fuller life. In resp>onse

to the stimulation of each other, they find

the latent qualities of their respective natures,

like the blossom responding to the kiss of

sunshine, unfolding into the full flower of

their queenly womanhood and manly dignity.

It is God’s plan and nature’s too, and it

cannot be thwarted without producing ab-

normalities.

Good Disposition

While this has been treated implicitly in

the discussion of moral character, it is so

important as to justify a few explicit words

about it. Perhaps as much as any other
single element, if not more, it is a good dis-

position, an even temperament, which lubri-

cates all the family relationships and makes

a marriage tick. While many qualities are
embodied in such a character, the central

one would seem to be unselfishness. The im-
selfish person is easy to get along with. He
has tolerance, sympathy, understanding, and

is considerate of others. He knows that per-

is



sons have differences of viewpoint,
of likes

and enthusiasms, and he respects
those

differences instead of trying to
shape all

others into his particular mold.

These then are the qualities you should

look for in a mate. You will rarely find all

of ithem present in the fullest measure.
Men

and women aren’t paragons of perfection.

They are, at best, but approximations. As

one doesn’t possess all perfections himself,
a

kindly disposition and a fair degree of in-

telligence will enable most couples to m^e
a go of marriage and to achieve abiding

happiness in the family life.

A young person should be warned not to
expect an angel from on High as his partner,

and hence he should not pass up one pro-

spective partner after another while waiting

for his impossible ideal to hove in sight.

The Real Article

We had occasion recently along with a
minister to conduct an open Forum on

Courtship and Marriage at a large coedu-

cational university in the East. The period

for questions had come.

“How is a girl in love,” asked a young
coed, looking up from her knitting, “to know

whether or not it’s the real thing?”

The crowd laughed.
But the question is one which doubtless

many a girl finds herself asking at times.

19



“When it’s the real article,” answered the
young minister, a married man, “you’ll know

by the convulsive breathing . . . like when

mountain climbing. . .

Emotional

“There’s an emotional stirring,” he

pointed out, “and a strong one. Your heart

beats faster and a pleasant glow suffuses your

whole being. You enjoy being in his presence
and you find yourselves sharing each other’s

thoughts and feelings. But these subjective

stirrings, these emotions and sensations re-

flected in heightened respiration, blood pres-

sure and pulse, are not decisive. They may
be present, substantially the same, in mere

physical infatuation. By themselves, they are

quite untrustworthy. They may even play
the role of the Lorelei, luring sailors to their

destruction.

“In addition to the stirring of the heart

with its emotional response, there must be

the response of the intellect, conveying its

carefully thought out approval. It must say

in effect: All the essential qualities for a

good life partner are present. I know not
merely from the testimony of a throbbing

heart but also from the impartial verdict of

clear-eyed reason. Moral character, a

common faith, health, intelligence, earning
capacity, good disposition, unselfishness, con-

geniality in taste, temperament, culture.

20



character, are all present. Now, heart, you

can let yourself go. Pour out your love with-

out stint, for the person is worthy of it. He

will not let you down. He will empty his

heart to you in torrents of love and devotion.

And sealing it all is the authentic signature

of a moral character that is beyond dispute.

“When a girl gets the approval of the

mind and heart, each corroborating the

other, she can be sure it’s the real McCoy.

But if she hearkens only to the heart and

ignores the verdict of the nund, she is likely

to discover all too late that she has sought

her happiness in a fool’s paradise, which is

but another name for Dante’s deepest hell.

True love must get the green light from both

the mind and the heart. Otherwise it must

keep its foot on the brake instead of the

accelerator.”

Love Will Follow

When the requisite qualities are present in
each and the young couple have sufficient

opportunity to know each other, respect, ad-

miration, friendship and love will usually

follow. This is proven by the custom common

in many European countries where the

parents for the most part make the selection.

The tender sentiment of love is not slow in

developing in such a couple, thus confirming

the good judgment and practical common
sense of the parents. This fact was recognized

21



by Samuel Johnson who declared: “I believe

marriages would in general be as happy, and

often more so, if they were all made by the

Lord Chancellor, upon a due consideration

of the character and circumstances, without

the parties having any choice in the matter.”

Common Sense

Marriages arranged by the parents in

many of the countries of the Old World are,

on the whole, far more successful and lasting

than the marriages in America where the

Hollywood type of romantic love dominates

the thoughts and procedure of our youth and

is responsible for so many ill-starred marital

adventures. We need more common sense,
more hardheaded thinking, and less of the

“boy meets girl, falls in love at first sight

and finds his dream turning into a nightmare

before the honeymoon is over” sentimentality

in choosing partners for life.

Persons who act on impulse, with little

more than cosmetic attractiveness pulling the

trigger, usually find they have chosen a ball

and chain instead of a congenial companion

for a life partner. Such hasty and impetuous

marriages, where no serious effort was made

to ascertain the presence of the essential

qualities of character, congeniality in re-

ligion, culture, taste, temperament, health,

of homemaking and breadwinning capacity,
are strewing our landscape with the wreck-

22



age of millions of homes and are undermm-

ing our nation’s strength and threatening

her very existence.

When the essential qualities are present,

love will discharge its sacred mission.
^

It is

a great mystery, a divine fire which kindles

paltry clay into a masterpiece of beauty and

makes it glow with a divine light. It is

God’s magic which enables a man and a

woman to find life’s meaning in each other’s

eyes. It is an emanation from God’s nature

which transforms the selfishness of the in-

dividual into the unselfish devotion of a

father and the divine self-forgetfulness of a

mother.

The Miracle of Love

To make marriage a go, love must touch

the qualities of each mate and integrate them

into the richer and fuller personalities bom
in the womb of matrimony. “Gk>d,” says an
old Portuguese proverb, “writes straight with

crooked lines.” Love is of the essence of

God and thus partakes of His mysterious

power. It is the miracle and the mystery of

love that it blends the separate notes of each

partner, which alone sound off-key, into the

glorious symphony of life in whose overtones

and undertones one catches ever and anon

the melody of love’s mystic song.

No earthly treasure can equal the gift of
a good husband ... a devoted wife . . . gifts

23



which God bestows upon those who follow
with obedient minds and prayerful hearts the

laws, principles and ideals of Christ and His

Church.

True, married life is no heaven on earth,

no surcease from life’s pilgrimage. It has its

cares and responsibilities, its trials and its

tribulations as has all human life here below.
But this much may be said with certainty:
At the fireside of the Christian home, in the

loving companionship of husband and wife,

with their children gathered around them,

man and woman achieve the largest measure
of happiness that can be attained on this

earth. Central in the achievement of such

enduring love and happiness is the choice of

a suitable helpmate.

NIHIL OBSTAT—Charles E. Sheedy, C.S.C.
Censor Deputatus

IMPRIMATUR — gg Most Rev. John F. NoU, D.D.
Archbishop-Bishop of Fort Wayne

Thirteenth Printing, 1963

AVE MARIA PRESS

NOTRE DAME, INDIANA