TEACHING 
YOUR CHILD 
ABOUT SEX 

By James P. Carroll 
Once u p o n a time, the Christmas toy 

catalogue was a bland volume, a sugar-
p l u m book of rocking horses a n d t e d d y 
bears. B u t now things have changed. Oh, 
the tea sets a n d t h e stuffed animals still 
are represented. B u t they've h a d t o move 
over; they've h a d to m a k e room for page 
a f t e r page of big-busted, boy-baiting 
female dolls. 

These are n o t t h e dolls of other years. 
These are n o t sweet cuddly babies or 
bright, button-eyed toddlers. Oh, no. 
These are plastic copies of the Hollywood 
"starlet." These are fashion-obsessed a n d 
boy-crazy. B y a n y objective s t a n d a r d , 
t h e y are a b o u t as lovable as a two-pound 
t a r a n t u l a . 
© 1966 
AVE M A R I A PRESS • Notre Dame, Ind. 46556 



Yet, these dolls sell. And t o d a y t h e y 
occupy places of honor in t h e bedrooms 
a n d p l a y r o o m s of h u n d r e d s of t h o u s a n d s 
of little girls. 

If y o u own such a doll, y o u dan begin 
y o u r p l a y b y getting her dressed for a d a t e 
with her handsome, plastic boy friend. 
T h e dressing s t a r t s with w h a t t h e c a t a -
logue describes as "lovely lingerie." Over 
this goes t h e strapless " r o m a n t i c gown." 
And, to t o p t h e costume in proper style, 
there is a n $8 genuine m i n k jacket. W h e n 
t h e b o y friend arrives, he m a y be wearing 
his " c a m p u s cords" or a sparkling tuxedo. 
And he m a y invite his mink-covered girl 
t o a c a r d b o a r d replica of either t h e college 
sweetshop or a drive-in movie. 

Advertising, TV and Trouble 
T h e stop a t t h e drive-in m a y be in-

nocent. B u t d o n ' t count on it. M o s t little 
girls—or a t least m a n y of t h e m — r e a d t h e 
movie a d s in their home-town newspapers. 
T h e y see t h e television commercials fea-
turing glamorous actresses who r u n their 
fingers t h r o u g h m a l e hair m a d e irresistible 
with some new vitaminized, lanolized 
b r a n d of hair grease. Little girls of this 
generation — a n d little boys, t o o — have 
been t a u g h t in dozens of different w a y s 
t h a t physical attractiveness is t h e essence 

2 



of sex, t h a t physical attractiveness can 
solve all h u m a n problems. 

T o achieve physical attractiveness, y o u 
m u s t smoke mentholated Philtos a n d 
a p p l y generous quantities of deodorant. 
T h e n you'll b e handsome, gorgeous, 
famous, rich a n d powerful. You'll be sur-
rounded b y admirers. Y o u will begin to 
believe w h a t o u r society constantly 
teaches, t h a t sex is a f u n thing, a thing 
t h a t h a s n ' t t h e slightest connection with 
reason or responsibility or with marriage. 
Y o u will be moving t o w a r d f u l l member-
ship in a group t h a t t h i n k s of itself as 
t o t a l l y h a p p y because it is totally u n -
restrained b y t h e regulations of t h e past. 

Of course, the claim of t o t a l happiness 
isn't supported b y t h e facts. T h e t r u t h is 
t h a t we live in a world of deep distress, 
of broken marriages, of grinding loneliness, 
of letters t o Ann L a n d e r s a n d trips to t h e 
analyst. All of t h e evidence indicates t h a t 
t h e common, c u r r e n t view of sex is p h o n y 
a n d misleading, t h a t we h a v e been sold a 
gold-plated c a r d b o a r d cutout, a shadow 
t h a t h a s k e p t us f r o m seeing t h e m u l t i -
sided s h a p e of t h e real thing. 

Sex W a s Created, Not Invented 
M a n y of t o d a y ' s men a n d women h a v e 

forgotten t h a t sex is powerful. I t is the 
3 



fuel t h a t propels us in m a n y of our most 
m e a n i n g f u l activities. I t is t h e f r a m e w o r k 
t h a t s u p p o r t s t h e family. I t is t h e elemen-
t a l force a t work in the complicated world 
of men. 

Real sex w a s n ' t invented for television 
or t h e movies or t h e cheap novels. I t c a n ' t 
be purchased in boxes or bottles or tubes. 
I t c a n ' t be a d d e d to t h e h u m a n person-
ality; it c a n ' t be stuck on or h u n g on like 
so m a n y false eyelashes or false a n y t h i n g 
else. Sex h a s been t h e h u m a n heritage— 
a n d the h u m a n joy—since God created 
male a n d female. 

Again a n d again in Sacred Scripture, 
God affirmed t h e i m p o r t a n c e of sex in 
H i s plan for H i s children. In the Old 
T e s t a m e n t , H e c o m m a n d e d men and 
women t o mate, to m a k e use of their power 
t o share in H i s work of creation. I n t h e 
New T e s t a m e n t , H e m a d e the intimacy of 
marriage a symbol of H i s closeness to 
those H e loves; H e is t h e bridegroom 
united with H i s bride t h e Church. 

G o d Didn't Make a Mistake 
In countless ways, the God who created 

sex has endorsed it and blessed it. F r o m 
this we know t h a t sex is good and right 
and holy. W e u n d e r s t a n d f r o m this t h a t 
we should avoid n o t sex b u t t h e misuse 

4 



of sex. Yet, even though we u n d e r s t a n d , 
we are f r e q u e n t l y torn b y uncertainties. 
We have trouble shaking off guilty feelings 
a b o u t sex. W e m a y even find ourselves 
thinking t h a t sex is something dirty, 
something t h a t somehow reveals the "ani-
m a l " side of h u m a n nature. We m a y have 
a vague feeling t h a t God somehow m a d e 
a mistake, t h a t t h e race of men would 
have been better off without sex, t h a t new 
babies should have been m a d e available 
in a special d e p a r t m e n t of the neighbor-
hood supermarket. 

These a t t i t u d e s are a hangover f r o m 
childhood. T h e y are u n f o r t u n a t e reminders 
of a time when parents tried t o pretend 
sex d i d n ' t exist. T h e y are thin echoes of 
a n age when sex was locked in t h e bed-
room a n d when babies were flown down 
chimneys b y superstrong a n d super-
s a n i t a r y storks. I t is a tragedy t h a t these 
echoes still produce discord in marriages. 
I t is an even greater tragedy t h a t our 
children are beginning to hear a n d respond 
t o the same echoes. 

Sex Can't Be Ignored 
In m a n y of our homes, we are teaching 

our children t h a t sex is u n f o r t u n a t e . W e 
are teaching t h e m t h a t sex is something 
to be ignored or stifled or, if it is a t all 



possible, suppressed forever. W e t r e a t sex 
in negative t e r m s ; we s u r r o u n d this tre-
mendous h u m a n power with a n ugly 
stockade of " t h o u shalt not's." W e t r e a t 
sex as something mysterious; we answer 
questions with a c u r t "wait until you're 
older." W e t r e a t sex as something t h a t 
should be avoided like t h e measles or 
chicken pox; we go to elaborate lengths to 
eliminate every suggestion t h a t t h e p h y s -
ical relationship is a n i m p o r t a n t p a r t of 
married love. 

Usually, we p a r e n t s teach these things 
n o t b y w h a t we say, b u t b y how we act. 
W e are embarrassed a b o u t public displays 
of affection even when t h e public in 
question is a three-year-old busily smear-
ing his o a t m e a l on t h e b r e a k f a s t table. W e 
sneak our good-bye kisses or we eliminate 
t h e m altogether. W e restrict our h a n d -
holding a n d our hugging t o t h e protective 
secrecy of absolute darkness. B y our ac-
tions, we teach our children t h a t sex is 
n o t p a r t of marriage, t h a t marriage is a 
sterile, c o n t r a c t u a l a r r a n g e m e n t with all 
t h e w a r m t h a n d tenderness of an eight-
foot stack of law books. 

Sometimes we do reveal our negative 
a t t i t u d e t o w a r d sex in our words. W e s t a r t 
our chorus of " n o ! n o ! " a n d " n a u g h t y ! 
n a u g h t y ! " when our children are in their 

6 



cradles. And we keep u p t h e r h y t h m 
until our little ones have m a t u r e d into 
full-sized victims of a f u l l spectrum of 
m e n t a l tortures. T h e n , years later, we sit in 
our spotless homes wondering w h y the 
marriages of our grown-up babies t u r n e d 
into such g r u b b y collections of u n h a p -
piness. 

Hinders Child's Growth 
T h e trouble with t h e negative a p p r o a c h 

is t h a t it interferes with t h e child's emo-
tional development. I t m a k e s it m o r e 
difficult for t h e child t o reach t h e m a t u r i t y 
t h a t is essential to a h a p p y marriage. This 
is t h e m a t u r i t y t h a t grows slowly a n d 
delicately o u t of t h e experience of living; 
it can't a p p e a r a u t o m a t i c a l l y a t the 
m o m e n t of marriage. And young men a n d 
women c a n ' t possibly h a v e m a t u r e ideas 
a b o u t t h e role of sex in G o d ' s p l a n if 
they've been told again a n d again t h a t 
sex is ugly a n d dirty. 

Some psychologists s a y t h e problem is 
especially difficult for girls. This is because 
t h e negative conditioning often is strongest 
with girls. T h e t h o u g h t of p r e m a r i t a l 
pregnancy is m o r e t h a n m o s t p a r e n t s can 
bear. So, t h e y m a k e a special effort t o 
teach their daughters t o react with an 
e m p h a t i c " n o " t o all t h o u g h t s t h a t involve 



all phases of sex. T h e y erect a great nega-
tive wall t h a t shuts off their d a u g h t e r s 
f r o m every suggestion t h a t sex in marriage 
is marvelously right a n d good. E n g r a i n e d 
in the minds of t h e d a u g h t e r s is a com-
m i t m e n t t o defend their virginity, to g u a r d 
their purity, to protect themselves. This 
a t t i t u d e of defense is all they u n d e r s t a n d 
a b o u t sex a n d a b o u t themselves. 

T h e n comes the wedding day. And all 
a t once t h e negatively trained girls are 
supposed to forget a lifetime of self-
discipline. All a t once they are supposed 
to forget their defenses. T h e y are supposed 
t o suddenly feel gloriously h a p p y a b o u t 
giving themselves in marriage's selfless act 
of t o t a l love and t o t a l generosity. F o r 
m a n y girls this is difficult. F o r some it 
is nearly impossible. And how can the 
y o u n g h u s b a n d be expected t o u n d e r -
s t a n d ? H o w can he comprehend the icy 
reluctance of this bride of his? H o w can 
he come t o the realization t h a t this lovely 
girl was warped b y p e r h a p s generations 
of negativism a n d guilt? 

Anti-Puritanism N o Answer 
Of course, not all p a r e n t s show their 

guilty feelings a b o u t sex in negative terms, 
in t h e language a n d a t t i t u d e s of a m o d e r n -
d a y P u r i t a n . Some go to t h e opposite ex-

8 



treme b y becoming militant, relentless 
a n t i - P u r i t a n s . These f a n a t i c s pull o u t all 
stops in informing their youngsters a t t h e 
earliest possible age a b o u t t h e greatest 
possible variety of sexual behavior. Such 
p a r e n t s really are convinced t h a t pure, 
naked knowledge is t h e answer to t h e 
problem of sex. T h e y even believe t h a t 
boys a n d girls who u n d e r s t a n d t h e 
mechanics of pregnancy a u t o m a t i c a l l y will 
avoid all of t h e situations t h a t customarily 
m a k e pregnancy almost inevitable. 

T h e a n t i - P u r i t a n s m a k e their children 
encyclopedias of sex information. T h e y 
c r a m t h e minds of their children with the 
details of n o r m a l a n d a b n o r m a l practices. 
And quite often t h e y are so b u s y cram-
ming t h a t t h e y forget all a b o u t motiva-
tion; t h e y teach t h e w h a t ' s a n d the how's 
of sex b u t they ignore t h e why's. 

Christian Sex Is Based on Love 
T h e p a r e n t who w a n t s t o be t r u l y Chris-

t i a n will avoid t h e radicalism of b o t h t h e 
P u r i t a n a n d the a n t i - P u r i t a n . T h e t r u l y 
Christian p a r e n t will s t a y a w a y f r o m t h e 
world of the negative, t h e shall n o t ; he 
also will s t a y a w a y f r o m t h e world of t h e 
tell-them-all-and-all-will-be-all-right. T h e 
t r u l y Christian p a r e n t will base his sex 
education p r o g r a m on a concept t h a t 



transcends sex, a concept t h a t is t h e root 
of t h e Christian message, a concept t h a t 
contains t h e force t h a t can t r a n s f o r m all 
of creation. T h i s concept, this force, is 
called love. 

T h e sex education p r o g r a m based on 
love m u s t begin with t h e p a r e n t s t h e m -
selves. T h e y m u s t t r y t o u n d e r s t a n d t h a t 
sex is b o t h good a n d necessary. T h e y 
m u s t erase all of their ideas t h a t t h e b o d y 
is some sort of brutish beast t h a t m u s t 
forever b e flogged into chaste obedience 
b y a p u r e a n d shining soul. T h e y m u s t 
realize t h a t b o d y a n d soul a r e n ' t stuck t o -
gether like t h e layers of a jelly sandwich; 
t h e y are united almost like t h e hydrogen 
a n d oxygen in a d r o p of water. T h i s reali-
zation is i m p o r t a n t to t h e understanding 
of t h e place of sex in m a r r i a g e ; when a 
h u s b a n d a n d wife m a k e love, t h e y are n o t 
surrendering t o some primitive impulse 
of t h e b o d y ; t h e y are expressing their love 
in a w a y t h a t embraces every f a c e t of the 
h u m a n personality. 

Sacramental in Character 
P a r e n t s who u n d e r s t a n d t h e s a c r a m e n t a l 

n a t u r e of m a r r i a g e have t a k e n t h e first 
v i t a l step in t h e sex education of their 
children. I n marriage, p a r e n t s can show 
t h e fullness of h u m a n love. T h e y can show 

10 



how h u m a n love is a reflection of God's 
love for all creation. T h e y c a n reveal t o 
their children t h a t marriage— a n d t h e sex 
relationship t h a t belongs in marriage—is 
j o y o u s proof of God's loving concern. 

T h e message of love m u s t be b r o u g h t 
t o our children when t h e y are infants. I t 
m u s t be repeated t h o u s a n d s of times as 
t h e y m a t u r e . W e m u s t show t h e m t h a t 
t h e y are secure in G o d ' s love. W e m u s t 
stress t o t h e m t h e b e a u t y t h a t is in all 
t h a t G o d h a s m a d e . W e m u s t help t h e m 
u n d e r s t a n d t h a t tenderness a n d affection 
m u s t be ruling qualities in their lives. 

T h i s is s u b t l e h o m e teaching. B u t it can 
h a v e lifelong results. F o r one thing, it can 
impress on children t h a t sex a n d marriage 
are mixed a n d blended a n d molded t o -
gether. T h e y will begin t o associate t h e 
f a c t of the m a l e - f e m a l e relationship with 
the f a c t of marriage. Such a n association 
is a powerful b a r t o e x t r a m a r i t a l sex ex-
perimentation. And such a n association 
c a n ' t possibly f o r m in t h e mind of a child 
w i t h o u t t h e influence of his home. 

Home Is School of Love 
I n sex education, as in m a n y other kinds 

of education, t h e h o m e is t h e n u m b e r - o n e 
teacher. I t h a s this r a n k because p a r e n t s 
were given their commissions as teachers 

11 



b y God Himself. And this commission goes 
i n t o effect n o t when the children are old 
enough t o b o a r d t h e school bus or walk to 
school; it goes into effect when t h e y first 
see t h e light of d a y . T h e entire process 
of f a m i l y life is an educational experience. 
I t can be a valuable lesson if we p a r e n t s 
will t r y t o consciously remember our role 
as teachers, if we will t r y to remember 
t h a t our words a n d actions will help shape 
the lives of our children for years t o come. 

If we w a n t our children t o have healthy 
a t t i t u d e s t o w a r d their own sexuality, we 
c a n ' t wait for t h e m t o see a movie or read 
a book. W e c a n ' t w a i t for t h e subject t o 
come u p in a biology class. W e c a n ' t wait 
for the workings of t h e f o r m a l system of 
education. W e m u s t act because sex in-
formation—correct a n d incorrect—is avail-
able on every street corner a n d p l a y -
ground. And it is becoming available t o 
younger a n d younger children. 

Reluctant Parents Abdicate 
Teachers a n d clergymen are well aware 

of the r a p i d spread of sex information 
a m o n g younger a n d younger children. T h e 
same authorities also know t h a t m a n y 
p a r e n t s h a v e refused t o accept their re-
sponsibilities as educators. So, elaborate 
programs of sex instruction have been p u t 

12 



into operation in schools and educational 
centers. And this has created a spiraling 
p r o b l e m : T h e availability of f o r m a l sex 
instruction h a s played i n t o t h e h a n d s of 
reluctant p a r e n t s ; and, as the reluctance 
grows, t h e professional educators have 
tried t o fill the v a c u u m with more a n d 
more f o r m a l programs of instruction. 

M o s t of t h e professionals know t h a t 
f o r m a l classroom instruction is not t h e 
answer. Sex is m o r e t h a n an academic 
subject. I t s essence cannot be captured in 
a slide film or textbook. Classroom instruc-
tion can provide technical details. I t cannot 
t r a n s l a t e those details into t h e m e a n i n g f u l 
events of the life experience. 

Classroom instruction in sex also is 
h a n d i c a p p e d b y t h e individuality of t h e 
students. E a c h one is different in terms of 
physical development, emotional m a t u r i t y , 
intellectual capacity a n d home environ-
ment. T h e r e is no way t o a d a p t a lecture 
or a series of lectures t o these differences. 
T h e r e is no way for a teacher or principal 
t o tell when a student—or a room filled 
with students—is ready for sex instruction. 

T h i s doesn't m e a n t h a t classroom sex 
instruction is necessarily b a d . I n f o r m a t i o n 
on t h e physique a n d t h e psychology of t h e 
h u m a n species can be t r a n s m i t t e d in an 
academic setting. And, u n f o r t u n a t e l y , 

13 



m a n y youngsters will receive their only 
ungarbled sex i n f o r m a t i o n f r o m their 
schoolteachers a n d guidance counselors 
and, perhaps, f r o m their clergymen. B u t 
this need n o t b e t h e case for most children. 
I t m u s t n o t be t h e case for y o u r children. 

Think of Your Own Case 
If y o u d o u b t t h e i m p o r t a n c e of telling 

y o u r own children a b o u t sex—of telling 
t h e m a b o u t sex in t h e context of married 
love—then t h i n k a b o u t y o u r own child-
hood experience. Chances are t h a t you 
learned a few broken, warped, disjointed 
bits of information. These c a m e f r o m y o u r 
equally i g n o r a n t friends. B u t y o u d i d n ' t 
know t h e y were ignorant; t h e things t h e y 
said worried y o u a lot. T h e sidewalk 
description of the sex act was savagely 
crude. Y o u couldn't picture yourself w a n t -
ing t o d o such a thing. W o r s t of all, you 
c o u l d n ' t imagine t h e sex act as a p a r t of 
t h e married life of y o u r parents. T h e y 
were " t o o nice." T h e y w o u l d n ' t . T h e y 
couldn't. Or, y o u asked yourself t i m e a n d 
again, could they? 

Surely we w a n t better t h a n this for our 
children. Surely we m u s t be r e a d y t o t a k e 
a d v a n t a g e of their n a t u r a l curiosity. W e 
m u s t be r e a d y t o end their d o u b t s before 
t h e y get started. 

14 



P e r h a p s our first chance will come when 
our toddler discovers the existence of his 
sex organs. T h i s is a perfectly n a t u r a l a n d 
quite n e u t r a l experience. U n f o r t u n a t e l y , 
some p a r e n t s use this experience t o kick 
off their p r o g r a m of negative training. 
T h e y show their displeasure with a s h a r p 
c o m m a n d or a slap of t h e h a n d . B y so 
doing, t h e y h a v e begun t h e building of a 
tower of guilt in t h e mind of their child. 

Telling the Facts 
T h e r e really is no need of this. Very 

small children can be distracted o u t of 
their interest in their genitals. Older 
children can be told, gently b u t firmly, 
t h a t t h e organs of sex a r e n o t toys b u t 
special, i m p o r t a n t p a r t s of t h e h u m a n 
body. T h e y are t h e p a r t s t h a t God created 
so t h a t we could help H i m in H i s work 
of creation. 

I t is quite possible t h a t this sort of 
discussion will lead t o other questions 
a b o u t sex. P e r h a p s the child will w a n t to 
know t h e differences between boys a n d 
girls. P e r h a p s he will w a n t to know t h e 
answer to t h e classic question: " M o m m y , 
where d o babies come f r o m ? " 

Sometimes t h e first questions are n o t 
so pointed. T h e child m a y begin b y t a l k -
ing a b o u t j e t airplanes or fishing and, 

15 



almost before the p a r e n t realizes it, t h e 
conversation m a y have t u r n e d t o t h e 
f u n c t i o n of the female breast or the size 
of the neighbor l a d y ' s t u m m y . 

F o r the preschool youngster—so very 
m u c h interested in everything a b o u t h i m -
self—millions of sex-related questions are 
possible. And to each, f a t h e r s a n d m o t h e r s 
m u s t be prepared t o give f r a n k , honest a n d 
realistic answers. T h e y m u s t never b e j t o o 
busy t o a t t e m p t a reply. T h e y m u s t never 
say, "Ask y o u r m o t h e r " or "Ask y o u r 
f a t h e r . " P a r e n t s also have t o guard against 
showing displeasure, or laughter, when 
their children have trouble expressing 
themselves. P a r e n t s m u s t t r y never to be 
too scientific in their answers. Instead, 
t h e y m u s t d o their best t o tailor each 
answer to the understanding of t h e child. 

Use Concrete Terms 
P a r e n t s have to recognize t h e f a c t t h a t 

small children d o n o t think in abstract, 
dictionary terms. T h e y t h i n k in t h e con-
crete, t h e here a n d now, t h e actual, t h e 
real. T h e y have difficulty transferring a 
t r u t h f r o m one situation t o another. W h e n 
they learn all there is t o learn a b o u t t h e 
sex habits of r a b b i t s or cats or dogs, they 
m a y or t h e y m a y n o t know some little 
thing a b o u t t h e sexuality of h u m a n s . T h e y 

16 



need t o be told in concrete terms. T h e y 
need t o have every answer laid o u t in t h e 
boldest a n d sharpest strokes. 

I t also is disconcerting to realize t h a t 
even the best answer h a s t o be repeated 
dozens of times. Children are like t h a t . 
Teaching t h e m d e m a n d s patience because 
they d e m a n d repetition. T h e y w a n t t o be 
assured a n d reassured a b o u t each bit of 
information before it is p e r m a n e n t l y 
tucked into their memories. 

The First Questions 
T h e first questions quite often come 

when t h e child is three or four. Quite 
often he w a n t s to know where he himself 
came f r o m . T h e answer can be quite 
simple: " Y o u grew in a special place 
inside y o u r m o t h e r . " O f t e n t h a t answer 
will end t h e discussion, a t least t e m p o -
rarily. B u t occasionally a child will ask an 
additional question: " W h y ? " And he 
p r o b a b l y will be satisfied if he's told this 
arrangement is p a r t of G o d ' s p l a n : " T h i s 
is how G o d created us." 

Later, he m a y get t o wondering how t h e 
b a b y escapes f r o m inside his mother. 
Again the answer is direct a n d simple: 
" W h e n he's big enough a n d strong enough 
to live outside the protection of his 
mother, he comes out t h r o u g h a special 

17 



opening in his mother's b o d y . " Still later, 
m o r e details will h a v e to be supplied. B u t 
t h e y should never be supplied before t h e 
child is r e a d y for t h e m . 

I n all this teaching, mothers a n d f a t h e r s 
should m a k e a special effort t o avoid t h e 
grotesque n a m e s t h a t so o f t e n a r e a t t a c h e d 
t o t h e p a r t s a n d t h e f u n c t i o n s of t h e 
h u m a n b o d y . Call things b y their proper, 
scientifically correct names. These a r e n ' t 
t o o difficult for little ones. T h e y can 
m a s t e r words like a s t r o n a u t a n d dinosaur. 
Surely t h e y will have no trouble with 
penis a n d vagina. And t h e use of the cor-
rect n a m e s can save a good deal of con-
fusion a n d e m b a r r a s s m e n t in later years. 

T h e first question a b o u t t h e role of the 
f a t h e r in t h e process of procreation m a y 
come when t h e child is six or seven. H e 
m a y ask w h y there h a s t o be a d a d d y 
in a f a m i l y . H e m a y wonder how h e can 
be certain t h a t he is his f a t h e r ' s son. And 
h e is entitled to a n answer t h a t will tell 
h i m t h a t D a d d y a n d M o m m y together 
cooperate with G o d -

H e can be told t h a t sometimes when 
D a d d y a n d M o m m y love each other very 
m u c h , D a d d y places a seed in M o m m y . 
If G o d wills it, this seed joins with a n egg 
inside M o m m y a n d f r o m this union comes 
a new b a b y . Sooner or later, t h e child 

18 



will ask how t h e seed gets placed inside 
his m o t h e r . T h e first answer m u s t stress 
t h e union of love. Then, as t h e child 
grows ready, t h e answer m u s t be ex-
p a n d e d . T h e child m u s t be told t h a t in the 
u l t i m a t e a c t of married love, an a c t of 
such holiness a n d importance t h a t God 
reserved it for t h e privacy of marriage, 
t h e f a t h e r ' s penis a c t u a l l y enters the b o d y 
of t h e m o t h e r ; t h e y become two in one 
flesh. 

In Terms of Love 
T h e child w h o learns of t h e marriage 

a c t in terms of love will n o t be shocked 
or offended. H e will t h i n k of it j u s t as it 
is—a marvelous gift f r o m a God who 
opens H i s h a n d s to shower blessings on 
every creature. 

T h e b o y with such p r e p a r a t i o n will n o t 
be scarred or smudged b y a universe of 
ugly jokes a n d sordid stories. H e will 
u n d e r s t a n d his own feelings. H e will know 
w h y his h e a r t beats a little faster when 
he sees t h e shape of a p r e t t y girl. He'll 
praise God for this reaction, this sex drive 
t h a t is G o d ' s gift. And a t t h e s a m e time, 
he'll praise God for helping h i m u n d e r -
s t a n d t h a t t h e power of sex should be 
reserved for t h e high a c t of worship called 
marriage. 

19 



T h e girl prepared for marriage in terms 
of love will be r e a d y to give herself fully, 
completely, w i t h o u t reservation. She will 
be f r e e of t h e tortures of guilt a n d d o u b t . 
She will u n d e r s t a n d t h a t t h e essence of 
love is giving. And, because she u n d e r -
stands, she will have a n i m p o r t a n t reason 
for saving herself for the lifetime of t o t a l 
giving t h a t is t h e joy of h u s b a n d a n d 
wife. 

Young people w h o know t h a t t h e sex 
act is t h e crowning expression of married 
love can come to u n d e r s t a n d t h e signifi-
cance of celibacy. T h e y can u n d e r s t a n d 
t h a t the virginity of t h e priest or Sister is 
n o t the rejection of something evil b u t the 
consecration of something good. 

Each in His Own Time 
E a c h child has his own timetable for 

learning a b o u t sex. One m a y be passion-
ately interested in himself a n d his f a m i l y 
a t the earliest possible age; he m a y be 
spouting questions almost f r o m the time 
he begins t o talk. Still a n o t h e r child m a y 
have no questions until he suddenly 
begins t o wonder w h y his mother's 
s t o m a c h seems t o stick out. As a general 
rule, curiosity hits a peak during t h e 
years j u s t before the s t a r t of school a n d 
continues t h r o u g h t h e first grade or two. 

20 



T h e n there is a lull, a d o r m a n t period, 
until glandular changes s t a r t t o signal t h e 
s t a r t of p u b e r t y . W i t h this process of m a -
turing, there is another, completely under-
standable, upswing in interest in sex. 

N o Questions? 
U n f o r t u n a t e l y , there are some young-

sters who never get a r o u n d to asking a n y 
questions. These are a special problem. 
F o r one thing, t h e f a c t t h a t they d o n ' t ask 
certainly c a n ' t be interpreted as a lack of 
interest. T h e y m a y not ask because they 
c a n ' t seem t o find the right words or be-
cause they never seem t o have t h e proper 
occasion or because they have h a d some 
experience t h a t t a u g h t them, rightly or 
wrongly, questions on sex simply aren't 
welcome. 

W i t h t h e children who don't ask, parents 
have t o be especially helpful. T h e y have 
to try, as diplomatically as possible, to 
bring u p t h e subject of sex. T h e y h a v e to 
t r y to d r a w questions f r o m their children. 
T h e y have t o use every possible oppor-
t u n i t y — t h e b i r t h of a baby, a nursing 
mother, a newspaper headline—to begin a 
discussion on sex. This will seem forced 
and difficult a n d uncomfortable. B u t it 
also is necessary. T h e shy child is entitled 
to t h e same f r a n k preparation as his brash 

21 



a n d uninhibited brother or sister. H e ' s 
entitled t o a p r e p a r a t i o n in t h e loving 
a t m o s p h e r e of his own home. 

Girls A n d Menstruation 
F o r girls, t h e process of p r e p a r a t i o n is 

likely t o b e completed a t an earlier age 
t h a n for boys. Girls m a t u r e when t h e y 
are younger, p e r h a p s two or three years 
younger. A n d before t h e y m a t u r e , girls 
should be given some i n f o r m a t i o n on 
menstruation. M a n y authorities believe 
this phase of t h e sex education process 
should be completed when t h e girl is nine 
or 10. 

T h e j o b of teaching a b o u t m e n s t r u a t i o n 
quite obviously belongs t o t h e m o t h e r . She 
h a s h a d t h e necessary experience. B u t 
she also needs a certain a m o u n t of tech-
nical knowledge. F o r t u n a t e l y , excellent 
printed m a t e r i a l is available on this s u b -
ject a t t h e public library or t h e bookstore. 
I n addition, t h e f a m i l y doctor a n d t h e 
school nurse a r e available for a n y neces-
s a r y explanations. 

T h e i m p o r t a n t thing is to m a k e t h e girl, 
y o u r daughter, secure in t h e knowledge 
t h a t m e n s t r u a t i o n isn't filthy or " t h e 
curse." I t is as n a t u r a l as perspiration or 
tears or laughter. I t is a n o t h e r element in 
G o d ' s plan for these children H e loves. 

22 



Boys And Masturbation 
W h e n t h e boys of t h e f a m i l y s t a r t to 

show the first signs of m a t u r i t y , it's t i m e 
for D a d to get into t h e education act. H e 
should be prepared t o tell his sons t h e 
meaning of t h e strange new things t h e y 
are experiencing, t h e pleasant new sensa-
tions, t h e erections, t h e nighttime dis-
charges. H e should be prepared t o lead 
a discussion on m a s t u r b a t i o n . This last is 
tough for m o s t fathers. B u t , like m a n y 
tough things, it is very necessary. M a n y 
boys in their early teens really d o n ' t 
realize t h e significance of m a s t u r b a t i o n . 
T h e y need the counsel of their fathers. 
T h e y need f a t h e r s who will avoid all of 
t h e ridiculous t h r e a t s of hellfire a n d 
d a m n a t i o n . T h e y need f a t h e r s who will 
s y m p a t h e t i c a l l y explain t h a t t h e power 
of sex w a s given men so they could ex-
press their love for others, not merely 
their love for themselves. 

Too Much Education? 
Sometimes it is argued t h a t t h e explicit 

instruction of boys a n d girls in sex in-
creases t h e possibility of experimentation 
with sex. One basis for this a r g u m e n t is 
t h e often documented increase in school-
girl pregnancies, a n increase t h a t coin-
cides with t h e increase in availability of 

23 



sex information. B u t while these statistics 
are interesting, t h e y scarcely prove t h a t 
sex information is a b a d thing. I n fact, 
t h e whole a r g u m e n t is like claiming t h a t 
an upswing in traffic accidents is a result 
of expanded programs of driver education. 

T h e answer t o t o d a y ' s sex problems is 
n o t the elimination of sex education b u t 
t h e creation of t h e kind of sex education 
t h a t is more meaningful, more thorough, 
more soundly based on t h e moral values 
shaped b y G o d ' s love. This kind of sex 
education has to be t h e responsibility of 
t h e parents. I t has t o begin when the 
children are young. I t has to continue 
t h r o u g h t h e school years. I t h a s t o equip 
young people for life in an age t h a t seems 
packed with t h e most f a n t a s t i c notions 
a b o u t sex relationships. I t has to teach 
t h e m t h a t these notions, n o t sex itself, 
need to be uprooted or t r a n s f o r m e d . 

Boy-Girl Obsession 
A good example of a f a n t a s t i c notion 

a b o u t sex is t o d a y ' s cult of p o p u l a r i t y . 
This is t h e obsession of so m a n y parents 
with t h e sexual attractiveness of their 
children. T h e y w a n t their children t o be 
p o p u l a r with m e m b e r s of t h e opposite sex. 
T h e y w a n t t h e m to be dated, courted, 
chased. Y o u can see this cult of p o p u l a r i t y 

24 



reflected in t h e pocket mirrors of h u n d r e d s 
of t h o u s a n d s of grade-school girls. You 
notice it woven into t h e nylons on skinny 
little legs or t h e u p l i f t bras on flat little 
chests. W o r s t of all, you notice it in the 
early boy-girl social events t h a t are the 
established p a t t e r n in t h e schools a n d 
organizations of c o m m u n i t y a f t e r com-
m u n i t y . 

Fathers at Fault 
Quite often mothers get the blame for 

t h e grown-up dressing a n d dating habits of 
their children. " T h e y w a n t their daughters 
t o have all the p o p u l a r i t y they feel was 
lacking in their own childhood," the story 
goes. And it is an interesting story. B u t 
it tends t o ignore the f a c t t h a t f a t h e r s 
m a k e their own contribution to t h e sorry 
situation. T o o often t h e y view t h e super-
vision of their children as "something 
m o t h e r takes care of." T h e y love their 
children, and their wives; t h e y also love 
the indifference t h a t shields t h e m f r o m 
all the agonies of household decision-
making. W i t h o u t t h e s u p p o r t of their 
husbands, m a n y wives feel themselves in-
a d e q u a t e for t h e job of resisting social 
pressures. T h e y give in because "every-
body's doing it." T h e y surrender their 
responsibility to their own children. 

25 



T h e first few surrender episodes m a y 
be trying. B u t t h e f a t h e r of t h e f a m i l y is 
busy with his television. And everybody 
in t h e neighborhood seems t o b e in agree-
m e n t . So w h y n o t give in? W h y n o t let 
little Susie or J e f f y go on t h e hayride— 
or "go s t e a d y " ? 

Surrender Becomes Comfortable 
E v e n t u a l l y t h e process of surrender 

becomes comfortable. Practices t h a t once 
seemed questionable now seem perfectly 
right a n d proper a n d respectable. Sooner 
or later, t h e y m a y even seem enjoyable. 
W i t h o u t really knowing how it happened, 
m o t h e r s who once were mild objectors 
become priestesses in t h e cult of p o p u l a r -
ity. T h e y find themselves arranging t h e 
Christmas f o r m a l for the junior high school 
a n d t h e y honestly e n j o y themselves. 

T h e r e are p a r e n t s w h o delight in seeing 
their sixth-grade girld escorted off t o a 
school d a n c e b y a n awkward youngster 
who would feel a good deal more a t h o m e 
on a basketball court. These p a r e n t s d o n ' t 
seem t o see t h e danger. T h e y d o n ' t seem 
to u n d e r s t a n d a child's low threshold of 
boredom. T h e y d o n ' t seem t o realize t h a t 
t h e child w h o dates in sixth grade will 
d e m a n d new adventures in seventh grade 
or eighth grade. And w h a t will these a d -

26 



ventures be? W h e n will t a l k a n d holding 
h a n d s a n d a good-night peck seem terribly 
t a m e ? W h e n will t h e normal, n a t u r a l sex 
drive — stimulated a n d encouraged for 
y e a r s — d e m a n d t h e u l t i m a t e ? W h e n will 
t h e young couple discover it's too late t o 
t u r n back? W h e n will t h e y learn t h a t sex 
is too strong, t o o deeply ingrained in 
h u m a n n a t u r e t o be p u t off b y a few good 
intentions? 

T h e inevitable results of our present 
p a t t e r n of boy-girl relationships are 
f r e q u e n t pregnancies a n d t o o early m a r -
riages. B u t these a r e n o t all. T h e rest of 
the sorry record is being written in the 
divorce courts a n d t h e m e n t a l health 
clinics. 

Admittedly, it's difficult for concerned 
p a r e n t s t o d o m u c h a b o u t the weird 
social customs t h a t currently seem so a t -
tractive to so m a n y men a n d women. B u t 
still t h e concerned p a r e n t s m u s t t r y . T h e y 
m u s t do w h a t t h e y can t o slow the early 
d a t i n g t r e n d in their own neighborhoods. 

Bucking the Tide 
This certainly will n o t be easy. B u t it 

is n o t impossible, either. I n every com-
m u n i t y there is a reservoir of objection 
to a t t e m p t s t o hasten the growing-up 
process of boys a n d girls. B u t this reser-

27 



voir is hidden. I t can become an effective 
source of strength only if it is brought 
into the open, only if it is t a p p e d t o provide 
an effective, organized effort t o slow t h e 
r u n a w a y boy-girl socialization process. 

W h e n you voice your opposition t o t h e 
established p a t t e r n of dating or dancing 
or w h a t have you, you certainly w o n ' t 
be cheered b y all of your friends a n d 
neighbors. Y o u m a y even find yourself 
high on t h e c o m m u n i t y h a t e list. B u t 
chances are you also will find t h a t you 
have some support. You will find t h a t a 
few parents will come f o r w a r d to express 
their agreement with you. Y o u will dis-
cover t h a t some of these p a r e n t s have been 
waiting for years for one of their n u m b e r 
t o reveal t h e necessary courage and 
leadership. 

Unexpected Support 
You also m a y find some unexpected 

s u p p o r t f r o m school officials. M a n y teach-
ers a n d principals object t o school-based 
dancing a n d dating for grade-school 
children. M a n y would love t o abolish t h e 
ridiculous styles t h a t sometimes a t t e m p t 
to m a k e f i f t h - g r a d e girls look like a blend 
of all the objectionable characteristics of 
a h u n d r e d jet-set sexpots. These school 
officials see firsthand the trouble t h a t 

28 



comes f r o m the continuous pressure to 
s t i m u l a t e t h e sex interest of youngsters. 
B u t often t h e schoolman feels helpless. H e 
doesn't w a n t t o be identified as some sort 
of 19th-century n u t . H e doesn't w a n t t o 
assume t h e responsibility of disrupting 
social p a t t e r n s t h a t seem almost t r a d i -
tional. H e quite rightly feels t h a t his ac-
tions a n d efforts will be meaningless with-
out t h e backing of parents. 

W h e n even a few p a r e n t s ask for his 
help, he usually is heartened a n d en-
couraged. H e m a y even feel t h a t he owes 
it t o t h e children in his school t o t a k e the 
necessary action. 

I n all their efforts to swim against the 
tide of conformity, p a r e n t s m u s t be careful 
n o t t o become offensive and overbearing. 
T h e cause of reason isn't served b y u n -
reasonable words and actions. P a r e n t s also 
m u s t realize t h a t their efforts a r e n ' t likely 
to bring a b o u t an overnight overturning 
of c o m m u n i t y attitudes. T h a t ' s expecting 
t o o much. I t m a y even seem t h a t m o n t h s 
a n d m o n t h s of struggle result in no ob-
servable a m o u n t of success. This is dis-
couraging, heartbreaking. B u t it is no cause 
t o give u p t h e fight. 

Keeping the Homefront 
If you are rebuffed in y o u r neighbor-

29 



hood, you have a n obligation t o y o u r 
children t o k e e p u p t h e b a t t l e a t home. 
Y o u m u s t do this even a t t h e risk of h a v -
ing y o u r whole f a m i l y identified as " d i f -
ferent." T h i s y o u can u n d e r s t a n d when 
you realize y o u are different. Y o u were 
m a d e different b y B a p t i s m . Y o u were 
called t o witness Christ in m o d e r n America 
j u s t as P e t e r a n d t h e others were called t o 
witness Christ in ancient Palestine. E v e r y -
one said t h e Apostles were different f r o m 
t h e other m e n of their d a y . And this dif-
ference was their glory, their hold on 
history, their link with G o d Himself. 

Being different t o d a y doesn't m e a n wear-
ing f u n n y clothes. I t doesn't mean shutting 
ourselves off f r o m t h e world. T h e world 
needs us j u s t as it needed Christ a n d H i s 
Apostles. T h e world needs t h e example of 
our Christian testimony. I t needs our 
idealism. I t needs our clear u n d e r s t a n d i n g 
t h a t sex isn't cheap or commercial or 
commonplace. 

Getting this idea across to children is 
never easy. T h e y do t e n d t o conform, to 
t a k e t h e r o u t e t h a t involves t h e m i n i m u m 
a m o u n t of unpleasantness a n d controversy. 
B u t p a r e n t s can help b y trying t o provide 
enough recreational opportunities, oppor-
tunities t h a t do n o t enlarge the boy-girl 
relationship. Sports are i m p o r t a n t here. So 

30 



are music, discussion groups, reading, vol-
unteer activities. Some p a r e n t s have f o u n d 
t h a t t h e t i m e of p u b e r t y when sex interest 
t a k e s a n u p w a r d swing is an ideal time for 
introducing young people to their obliga-
tion t o be apostles. E v e r y Christian h a s 
this calling a n d young people can answer 
in their schools a n d playgrounds. T h e y 
can answer b y m a k i n g a conscious effort 
to bring Christ to their world. 

I n m a n y parishes there are organizations 
— t h e Young Apostles a n d t h e Young 
Christian S t u d e n t s are examples — t h a t 
serve t o introduce young people into the 
apostolate. B u t these organizations can 
do nothing w i t h o u t t h e active endorsement 
of t h e parents. 

Much Talk, Little Understanding 
A t t h e s a m e time, p a r e n t s m u s t t r y t o 

m a k e children r e a d y for t h e complexities 
of a n age t h a t t a l k s m u c h a b o u t sex a n d 
u n d e r s t a n d s - little. T h e y m u s t t r y t o 
develop in their children a sense of com-
passion for t h e y o u n g people who surely 
will m a k e terrible mistakes. If we're real-
istic a b o u t t h e power of sex, we know 
these mistakes can h a p p e n . Because we 
know, we s t a y a w a y f r o m t h e frightening 
stories a b o u t t h e punishments due "fallen" 
men a n d women. W e m a k e it clear t h a t 

31 



sins involving sex, like all other sins, are 
subject to t h e mercy of an understanding 
a n d forgiving God. 

W e show our children with our own 
lives t h a t w h a t counts is n o t the rules 
a n d t h e regulations, not t h e techniques 
a n d mechanics a n d details. W h a t counts 
is love, t h e h u m a n love t h a t brings the 
power of divine love i n t o our marriages, 
the h u m a n love t h a t makes r a d i a n t t h e 
home, t h a t glows with the glory of Christ's 
victory over sin. 

F a t h e r in heaven, Y o u prepared a wed-
ding feast for Y o u r Son. Let us a n d our 
children share in this feast, now and 
forever, Amen. 

N I H I L O B S T A T — J o h n L . Reedy, C . S . C . 
Censor D e p u t a t u s 

I M P R I M A T U R — M o s t Rev. Leo A. Pursley, D . D . 
Bishop of F o r t Wayne-South Bend 

F e b r u a r y , 1966 

All rights reserved. This pamphtet may not be 
reproduced by any means in whole or in part 
without prior permission 





T E A C H I N G YOUR 
CHILD A B O U T SEX 
originally appeared in 
a special series of 
articles entitled: 
PARENTS 
A S TEACHERS. 

This pamphlet is pub-
lished in response to 
the requests of those 
people who read it 

•