Step to Stir-Bitch-Fair with remarks upon the University of Cambridge. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1700 Approx. 51 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67523 Wing W757 ESTC R13160 13314998 ocm 13314998 99020 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67523) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 99020) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 442:10) Step to Stir-Bitch-Fair with remarks upon the University of Cambridge. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 16 p. Printed and sold by J. How ..., London : 1700. Written by Edward Ward. Cf. BM. Advertisement on p. 2. Reproduction of original in British Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng University of Cambridge. Sturbridge Fair. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-05 Judith Siefring Sampled and proofread 2003-05 Judith Siefring Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion A STEP TO Stir-Bitch-Fair : WITH REMARKS UPON THE UNIVERSITY OF CAMBRIDGE . LONDON Printed and Sold by I. How , in the Ram-Head Inn-Yard , in Fanchurch-street , 1700. Books Printed and Sold by J. How , in the Ram-Head-Inn-Yard in Fenchurch-Street ; and by M. Fabian , at Mercers-Chappel . 1. SOt's Paradise : Or the Humours of a Derby-Ale-House : With a Satyr upon the Ale. Price Six Pence . 2. A Trip to Iamaica : With a True Character of the People and Island . Price Six Pence . 3. Ecclesia & Factio . A Dialogue between Bow-Steeple-Dragon , and the Exchange-Grashoper . Price Six pence . 4. The Poet 's Ramble after Riches . With Reflections upon a Country Corporation . Also the Author's Lamentation in the time of Adversity . Price Six pence . 5. A Trip to New-England . With a Character of the Country and People , both English and Indians . Price Six pence . 6. Modern Religion , & Ancient Loyalty : A Dialogue . Price Six Pence . 7. The World Bewitch'd . A Dialogue between two Astrologers and the Author . With Infallible Predictions of what will happen from the Vices and Villanies Practis'd in Court , City , and Country . Price Six pence . 8. A Walk to Islington : With a Description of New Tunbridge-Wells , and Sadler's Musick-House . Price Six pence . 9. The Humours of a Coffee-House : A Comedy . Price Six Pence . 10. A Frolick to Horn-Fair . With a Walk from Cuckold's-Point thro' Deptford and Greenwich . Price Six pence . 11. The Dancing-School . With the Adventures of the Easter-Holy-Days . Price Six pence . 12. The First Volume of the LONDON-SPY : In Twelve Parts . 13. The Second Volume of the LONDON-SPY : In Six Parts . Price Six Pence each ; or they may be had both Volumes Bound together ; and also Bound with the rest of the Authors Writings . 14. The Metamorphos'd Beau , &c. Price Six pence . 15. The English Nun : Or , a Comical Description of a Nunnery . With the Lives and Intrigues of the Priests and Nuns . Price Six Pence . 16. Laugh and be Fat : Or , an Antidote against Melancholy . Containing great variety of Comical Intrigues in Town and Country . To which is added Nine Delightful Tales . Price One Shilling . 17. A Step to the Bath : With a Character of the Place . Price Six Pence . 18. Labour in Vain : Or , what Signifies Little or Nothing , viz. I. The Poor Mans Petition at Court. II. Expectation of Benefit from a Covetous Man in his Life-time . III. The Marriage of an Old Man to a Young Woman . IV. Endeavours to Regulate Mens Manners by Preaching or Writing . V. Being a Iacobite . VI. Confining an Insolvent Debtor . VII . Promise of Secrecy in a Conspiracy . VIII . An Enquiry after a Place . 19. The Reformer . Exposing the Vices of the Age : In several Characters . viz. 1. The Vitious Courtier . 2. The Debauch'd Parson . 3. The Factious Hypocrite . 4. The Precise Quaker . 5. The Covetous Miser . 6. The Prodigal Son. 7. The City Letcher . 8. The Insatiate Wife . 9. The Amorous Maid . 10. The Beau Apprentice . 11. The City Mob . 12. The Country Squire . 20. The Rambling Rakes : Or , London Libertines . Price Six Pence . 21. The Insinuating Bawd : And Repenting Harlot . Price Six-pence . A STEP TO STIR-BITCH-FAIR . HAVING heard much of the Fame of Stir-Bitch-Fair , where Vice , Merchandise , and Diversion , draw the Cambridge-Youth , London-Traders , Lyn-Whores , and abundance of Ubiquitarian-Strolers , into a promiscuous Assembly , all contributing something to either the Pleasure or Profit of one another ; some coming to spend Money , others to get it : The Promotion of their Interest , or the pleasing of their Senses being the two chief Ends , I suppose , which collect such Numbers of Mankind together from their sundry scatter'd Habitations : I resolv'd , since the Season of the year prov'd Dry and Pleasant , to make a short visit to Cambridge , and withal to take a compleat survey of this its Neighbouring and Renown'd Fair , of which I had often heard many remarkable and pleasant Stories . In pursuance of this my Design , I gave earnest for a Place in the Stage-Coach , and the next Morning having Lin'd my Pockets , and bundled up a sufficient Quantity of Linnen to refresh me for the Fortnight , I took a Hackney Wheel-about for Expeditions sake to the Green-Dragon within Bishopsgate , where our Travelling Conveniency stood ready to receive me : But by that time I got thither , the Countrey Tub-driver began to be impatient , all the Company but my self being already come , and had taken up their Stations in the Dirty , Lumbering , Wooden Hovel , being more in shape like a Tobacco-Hogshead than a Coach , Bellying out in the Boudge like the Stern of a Dutch Fly-Boat ; and was built more for Burthen , and the Horses Ease , than to commode Travellers . The rest of the Company being most of 'em pretty Burly , had made a Shift to leave me a Nook in the Back part of the Coach , not much wider than a Chair for a jointed Baby ; I nessled , and I squeez'd and drew in my sides like a fat Man going thro' a narrow Stile , till with much ado I had wedg'd in my Buttocks between the side of the Coach and the Hip of a bouncing Blowsabella , who sat next me . Thus labouring as hard as ever did furious Lover to riggle himself in between the knees of a coy Mistress . When I had thus by Storm and a great deal of Fatigue , taken my Place , which notwithstanding the troublesome coming at it , I had before paid for , I sat with Patience upon Force , crowded up like a great Plumb in the Corner of a Minc'd-Pye . But before many Minutes were spent , our brawny Storm-beaten Carrion-Flogger , whose empty Noddle was arm'd against the Weather , with a Leather-Cap as thick as a Church-Bucket , drew up his Flounder-mouth like a Hens Fundament ; and with a cherrup or two , and an Enlivening Slash , away scower'd the half Dozen of thin Gutted Titts , with a Crowd of Sinners at their Arses , as if the Devil drove 'em : Our Booted Caravan , almost as big as the Belly of the Trojan-Horse , being bound down so strictly to it 's good Behaviour , that it had no more sway when we came over a Kennel , than St. Sepulchers Steeple has when the Colledge Youths are ringing in it : Whilst we at every swog , neaded our Elbows in one anothers sides , till I had the ill Fortune to so raise an old Gentlemans Spleen , that he Grind and Snarld like a Towzer at a Bone when a strange Dog is near him , being ready to bite my Nose off , having given his Corns a jostle I suppose , that put him under an uneasiness beyond the Patience of his Years , which seem'd to be attended with a Peevish Temper and many Infirmities . In a little time we got oft the Stones , and had done Cursing of the Pavier ; and then began to swim as easily along the Road as a Graves-end Barge in Fair Weather , tho' wedg'd as close in one by another as a Barrel of Red-Herrings , or Wheat-Ears in a Tunbridge-Pye . I now took the Liberty to examine into my Company , consisting of five Women , a sucking Child , the old Gentleman , and my self . Two of our Ladies I discover'd by their Talk were Sempstresses , the third a Perfumers Widow , the fourth a Fatherless Parsons Daughter , and the fifth I imagin'd , was carrying down an Unwelcome Fairing , the Child , to some unfortunate Cantabridgian , who when he was last in London , answer'd the end of his Creation a little unadvisedly , and left his Image behind ' im . The Old Gentleman , I understood by his Talk , having a Son at St. Iohn's Colledge , whose unruly Appetites were a little too powerful for the Weak Discretion of his Junior Years to keep under a regular Subjection , was going down in order ( by his Paternal Authothority ) to restrain him , if it were possible , from the Vices and Debaucheries incident to the Fair. I began to consider with my self the inequality of the Number of the Female Sex , was likely to make it a Chargeable Journey to the old Man and I , unless I could handsomly project some Passible means to slip my Neck out of the Chollar , which I did in a great Measure after the following Method . When a little accidental Mirth and Frothy Prittle-Prattle had begun our Acquaintance , and begot a little Familiarity amongst one another , I began to tell 'em a Story , wherein I introduc'd it as a Custome in English Travelling , that the Majority of either Sex us'd to treat the lesser Number of the other ; but however , being unwilling to put so heavy a Task upon such a Number of so pritty Ladies , tho scarce one was handsome enough to be a Concubine to a Black-a-moor , I thought it was very Reasonable for the Old Gentleman and I to take one apiece of 'em under our Protection ; and that those whom Fortune should exclude from Enjoying the Benefit should have no reason to be Angry , they should draw Cuts among themselves , to determine who should be Entit'led to the Advantage , which the wanton Titts very merrily consented to ; but the old Testy Curmudgion having little Generosity in his Looks , and less in his Heart , seem'd to be very much out of Humour I had made so expensive a Proposal , and very peevishly expressed the following Words , viz. Marry let them Treat 'em that most wanted a return of their Favours , as for his part he was grown Old and past it : Why , sure Father , said I , if you were never so Old , you might wish a good thing well . But I 'll engage , said I , you are able to do Business still , if you would but give your mind to 't . Not I , reply'd the surly Cuff , shaking his Head , but whispering in my Ear , says he , I 'd give five Hundred Pounds I could . However at last we droll'd the old Love-Penny into a Compliance , and the Women drew Lots ; which , for a Shift , the willing Creatures made of Whale-Bone they pluck'd out of their Stomachers . Upon the decision of the matter , the homeliest Pugnancy amongst 'em fell to my Lot , and Fortune favour'd the Old Fumbler with the Youngest and Handsom'st , which infus'd such a Juvenal Spirit into my Grandsire , that he grew as Frothy , and as Brisk , as a Bottle of small-Beer at Mid-summer ; Snapping his Middle-Finger and Thumb at every word , as loud as a pair of Castinets , entertaining his Mistress with a Song in excuse of his Age , part of which I remember to recite , viz. SONG . Tho' I am an Old Man , I have Wealth and Riches ; And besides Money , I 've something in my Breeches : And dare to hold a Young Man , a Guinea to a Shilling , I can please a Young Wench , if she be but willing . By this time our diminutive Fellow Traveller , the swadled Infant ; began by his shrill Squales , more frightful to a Petticoat-Sinner , than a Sow-Gelders Horn to a gelt Mungril , to show very terrible Signes of a Lamentable uneasiness ; upon which , the indulging Mother , tender of her hopeful Progeny ( after she had try'd Hush , my dear Creature , Lull-a-by , and the Bubby , but without Effect ) guess'd rightly the disaster that attended the poor Innocent , and began like a careful Nurse , to examine whether any Signes of good Luck had drop'd from the Childs Bumfiddle ; and upon strict enquiry found the Baby had broke his twatling strings , to the great offence of the Nostrils of the whole Company , insomuch that I , for want of being accustom'd to the Infirmities of Children , was more than ordinary Squeamish , and to aviod the Sight of the gilded double clout , as well as the Scent of those Odoriferous Effluvia's that arose from the Sower Grounds of the leaky Runlet ; I popp'd out my Head out of one of the Coach Windows , for the Benefit of the Air , and rid for a Mile , as if I had sat Barrel'd up in a Gold-finders Caravan ; with my Head out of the Bung-hole ; so that between the two extreams of Age and Infancy , we past away the Time till we came to Ware ; where we put in at the Sign of the English Champion , who redeem'd the Maid from the Jaws of the Dragon , to give Nature the refreshment of a Dinner , and to ease our tired Limbs from that Numbness incident to those cripling Postures , the Number of our Company forc'd us to sit in ; in this Inn stands the great Bed of Ware , talk'd of as much among the Citizens , who seldom Travel beyond the bounds of the home Circuit ; as the Gigantick greatness of the Herodian Colossus , or the Magnitude of the Trojan Horse , are amongst the Sober Enquirers into lost Antiquities . The Extravagant largeness of this Bed is very much wonder'd at , by all that see it , being wide enough to lodge a Troop of Soldiers , with the assistance of a Trundle-Bed ; in the same Room hangs a great pair of Horns , upon which ( insisting upon an old Custom ) they Swear all new Comers ; the form of the Oath being something Comical , and withal very Antient , I have presented it to the Reader , hoping if it be not valuable for its Wit , it may be for it's Antiquity . Take Care thou do'st thy self no wrong , Drink no small Beer when thou hast Strong ; And further do thy self this Right , Eat no Brown Bread if thou hast White ; And if the Mistress thou can'st Bed , Besure thou do'st not kiss the Maid . Show not thy Wife thy utmost Strength , Nor let her know thy Purses Length ; Never be Bonnd for any Friend , But rather far thy Money Lend ; For thou wilt find 't is better he Should break or be undone , than thee ; Trust no Man that is Proud and Poor , Vnless thou wilt forgive the Score ; For he will neither Pay nor own , The Kindness thou to him hast shown ; Be just and grateful to thy Friend , 'T will make thee happy in the end ; But if thy self and thine thou d'st save , Take Care thou deal'st not with a Knave : Trust not thy Wife , tho' near so good , With no Man but thy Self abroad . For if thou do'st , e'er she returns , Thy Forehead may be deck'd with Horns : What I have said do thou retain , So Kiss the Horns , and say , Amen . After this very Useful and Cautionary Oath had been administed ot several of our Company , and among the rest my self ; our Twelve-pence a piece was exacted , for the Benefit of the rest of our Fellow-Travellers , who had been accustom'd to the Road ; which Fine we were forc'd to submit to , or undergo the Ridicule of the whole House , for the Ill-natur'd breach of an Old Custom . This Ceremony being ended , and the usual dues Collected , and brought in , in such sundry sorts of Liquor as might please every Bodies Pallat , spur'd on by our Appetites , we began to enquire what sorts of Provisions they either had in the House , or intended for our Dinners ? To which the Master answer'd , The only thing that the Town was fam'd for , was Eels ; in the ordering of which they had so compleat a Knowledge , they would undertake to dress 'em as many several ways as ever a French Cook did a Feast of Frogs , or a Dutch Skipper a Dish of Pickl'd Herrings . And it happening so Fortunately , that every one of our Company being great Lovers of this Fish ; we readily united in one Opinion , and order'd that our Dinner might be all Eeles , desiring the Cook might serve us up with as great variety of this Slippery Food , as her utmost Skill in the useful Art of Cookery would give her Leave ; without further directing her to any particularities , but left her wholly to her own Freedom and Discretion in the Business ; which indeed she manag'd so well to her Masters Interest , and to the Companies Satisfaction , that I believe never was a a parcel of Mud-worms serv'd up to the Table of an Epicure , and render'd more pleasing to the Pallat , with such variety of Sawces , or made fit for the Stomach by such sundry Stratagems , as were us'd in the industrious Coquination of these our slimy Eatables ; Besides , the ordinary ways of Boyling , Frying , Baking , Stewing , Roasting , and Toasting ; we had 'em Coddl'd , Parboil'd , Sows'd Dows'd , and the Devil and all . When we had Plentifully Feasted on our Fish , like so many Cormorants , and wound up our Dinner as decency requires , with a short Thankigiving , we call'd for a Bill to inform us what we had to pay ; accordingly one was brought , wherein more particulars were inserted , than ever were found in a Taylors Debt-Book , or a Boatswain's Catalogue of Materials , for the new rigging of a Vessel ; which sum'd up , came as exactly to half a Crown , a Head , and Twelve-pence for the Cook , as if the Master himself , had been well Skil'd in Arithmetical Proportion , and knew well upon Expedition how to prevent Fractions in a reckoninig ; tho' we told 'em we thought our selves a little unreasonably dealt with ; yet they so very much insisted on the extraordinary Trouble we had put 'em to ; that they Talkatively prevented any manner of Abatements , only the Master very Politickly presented us with a Dram a piece of right French Brandy , to wash away the grumbling in our Gizards , that we might not report to his Prejudice the hardness of our Usage . We all now had recourse again to our Countrey Vehicle , where we restated our selves in our former Misery ; and underwent the Pennance of being cramm'd as close as Potted Pdigeons , till we came to Puckeridge ; where the Coach-man only call'd , to wash the Dust out of his Mouth , and supply his Salival Ducts with a little Moisture , which might well become Drowthy , with his talking to his Horses , upon whom he vented as much Spleen , Passion , and Flagellation , as ever did peevish Pedagogue upon a dozen of Block-heads , who had neither Wit nor Memory . All that was remarkable here , was an Ax which they show'd us , kept as sharp and as bright , as if it were whetted as often as their Knives , or scowerd as often as their Handirons ; this antiquated Weapon , as they tell you , had the Honour of cutting off some great Mans Head , but who , or upon what Account , they are at a great Loss to inform you . From thence we jog'd on , till we came to our Evenings Stage , a Town call'd Barley ; where we put into an Inn , distinguished by the Name of Old Pharaoh , which Title it acquir'd from a Stout Elevating Malt-Liquor under the same Name , for which it has long been famous . This Inn is kept not only by a Female , but according to her own report , and the Belief of her Neighbours , a Maid too ; and of such a Herculean Proportion , that had she been in the same Jeopardy with the Virgin of Old , she would have been able to have made her Party good with the Dragon ; and if the English Champion had lent his assistance to the weakest side , which I am sure must have been the Monster , I am certain she 'd have prov'd strong enough to have beat St. George into the Bargain . Here our Entertainment was very good , tho' not so cheap as to be attended with no Fault ; here we heartily enjoy'd the true English Pleasure of Substantial Eating , and supply'd that Emptiness , the slippery Eels had left in our Stomachs , with well-fed Mutton , and fat Fowles , which we wash'd down with old Pharaoh , till we made our selves as merry as Bumpkins at a Harvest home , till the Women like true Gossips over their Liquor , began to let their Tongues run as fast as the quickest Division of Tollets Ground , quarrelling about the uneasiness of one anothers places in the Coach , as if their Bumfiddles had been gaul'd by the hardness of their Seats ; whilst indeed I heartily wish'd their Tongues in the same Condition . Our bouncing Maiden-Landlady to show a peculiar respect to us the Company of the Coach , which I suppose , she esteem'd as generally her most profitable Guests , oblig'd us with her Company , not only to Supper , at which according to old custom , she compos'd her Dutch-built Stern into a sedential Posture at the Upper end of the Table , but also honour'd us after with a great deal of her Blunt Conversation , which was very pleasant , and consequently acceptable ; entertaining us with a great many merry Stories , one of which I thought more particularly diverting , and being manag'd by her self , and Transacted in her own House , I think it worth the Reciting . About the middle of this last Summer , a couple of jolly Country Parsons were coming up to Town , mounted upon Roan and Sorrel , with their Wives behind 'em , and chanc'd in the close of the Evening to put into old Pharaoh , and Inn there for the Night ; the House happening to be full of Travellers , insomuch that the best Rooms were before taken up , had but one Chamber to spare , wherein there were two Beds , which the Parsons rather than to go further and fare worse , consented to accept of ; Ordering a couple of Fowls to be laid down to the Fire , it being difficult for a Priest to rest quietly that Night he goes to Bed without Roastmeat for his Supper , says our Maiden Landlady ; they all being hot with riding , and half choak'd with the Dust upon the road , call'd plentifully for old Pharaoh , which their Wives seem'd highly to approve on , complaining greatly they had met with but indifferent Liquor thro'-out all their Journey , till they had happily arriv'd at Barly , upon which , says she , one of the Parsons Punn'd upon the Name of the Town , after the following manner : Good Barly makes good Mault , Good Mault makes this good Liquor ; Which has no other Fault , Vnless it 's so strong , 'T will Fuddle e'er long , Both me and my Brother Vicar . Thus they diverted themselves , till their Supper was ready , to which they sat down with as chearful looks , and keen appetites , as if it were a Parish Feast , and what ever they had Eat and Drank , should have been on free-cost ; when they had about half done , they remembred to invite their Hostess to participate , who having a huge Spirit , as I found by her telling the Story , in proportion to the Bulkiness of her Body , was so highly disgusted , that after a slighting manner , she refus'd their unmannerly kindness , resolving , as I suppose , to be even with 'em in the Reck'ning . When Supper was over , and the two Parsons had cast up Cross or Pile who should return thanks for the good Creature ; the two good Wives after they had drank a Grace-cup , were desirous to go to Bed ; the Parsons at this time having a greater kindness for the Liquor , than for their Helpmates Company , had a mind to sit up a little longer , and considering Tobacco to be a good Emblem of the World's vanity and instability , were resolved to Moralize over one peremptory Pipe , and a comfortable Cup or two of Coroborating Old Pharaoh : Upon which their Ladies being equally tir'd with the Fatigue of their Journey , retir'd to their Chamber without their Husbands , with a Female Chamberlain to attend 'em , who put them in their several Beds , set the Recepticles of the Night in order , wish'd them good Rest , and bid them farewel till the next Morning . Our Maiden Landlady about half an hour after , having an indispensable occasion for something in the same Room , went up Stairs , open'd the Chamber Door , intending to excuse her self to the Levites Bedfellows , but found 'em both refreshing their weary Limbs with Natures kindest Medicament , a sound Sleep , which immediately put a Project into her Head , to draw the two Priests into an ignorant Breach of the Ninth Commandment , and make 'em the reciprocal Authors of one anothers Cuckoldom , without knowing any thing of the matter , till 't was too late for prevention ; in order to effect this Design , she changes the places of their Garments , putting the Cloaths of the one Parsons Wife , to the Bed-side of the other , and shutting the Door after her , came down Stairs , growing very Merry and Jocund with her Canonical Guests , which occasion'd 'em to inflame their Bodies with a Pot or two extraordinary . When thus their own Wills had measur'd out to their Appetites a sufficient Quantity , they were lighted up to Bed , and coming into the Chamber , fearing to wake their Wives were very hush , ordering the Chamberlain to go down Stairs , for they needed not his Assistance ; the Curtains being Drawn , and the Parsons having an Eye on their Wives Cloaths , chose their Beds by the Apparrel that lay by 'em , examining no further for a better Information , but to Bed they went. The Landlady Lodging herself that Night in the next Room , which nothing but a Thin Wainscote parted , on Purpose to satisfie her self how her Project took , and what Event it would produce in the Morning . No sooner had the Priests laid aside the Robes of Divinity , and were Cumbent in their Feathers , but the Power of Old Pharaoh , and the warmth of their Wives together , began to operate on both Parties , and something was done , says my Landlady , which , tho' I 'm a Maid , I cannot chuse but guess at : All things going smoothly on till Break of Day without discovery , about five a Clock in the Morning one of the Parsons opening the Curtains to guess at the time of Day , happens to espy his Neighbours Wife instead of his own , and hearing his Brother Priest ( who had not been Marry'd above a Month ) very busy in the next Bed. Hold , hold , Neighbour , says he , have a care what you do ; pray G — d send we are not mistaken ; I doubt you have my Goods there , however it came about , for I 'm sure I have that by me that 's none of my own . The other who had much the younger and Prettier Wife : Tears open the Curtains , and finds it too true to make a Jest on , Leaps out of Bed , which the other did also , and so chang'd into their proper Places . The Parsons enquiring amongst themselves what could be the meaning of this strange mistakes , could account it to nothing but an agreement of their Wives to change Bed-fellows ; which the Women being Innocent deny'd , with all satisfactory : Protetestations ; so that what to make on 't they could not Imagine , but drest themselves and went down Stairs , having no way left but to make the best of a bad Market . When they came into the Kitchen , my Landlady bid 'em good Morrow , hop'd they rested well all Night , and ask'd if they 'd be pleas'd to have a Cup of the old Liquor and a Toast for their Mornings Draught , No , no , says one of the Heavenly Guides very angerly , Pharaoh was a good King , but your Pharaoh is wicked Liquor , it had like to have rais'd a dispute between my Friend and I this Morning , about pulling one anothers Boots on . Indeed Husband , says the oldest and the wisest of he Wives , I vow it was a very pleasant mistake , howsoever it happen'd . Hush , ( says the Parson ) Wife remember this , Words are not well , in things that ●are amiss . Meeting with nothing further that was remarkable at Old Pharoah's , when we had refresh'd our Bodies with a Nights repose ; in the Morning , after we had lin'd our Carcasses with a good Breakfast , to keep the Fogs from oftending our Stomachs , we set forward on our Journey , and proceeded without any thing remarkable , till we came to Saffron-Walden , so call'd from the great Quanties of that most excellent Flower that grows there so valu'd by Physicians for it's admirable Vertues in abundance of Distempers , being held to be one of the greatest Cordials the whole Universe produces , it is said the Yellow Jaundise is never incident to the Inhabitants of this Place , against which lazy Distemper , this true English Medicine is so infallibly Efficacious , that let a Person but Ride thro' the Town who is under this disorder , and the Effluvias that arise from their Saffron-Gardens , shall fill the Air with such a Salubrious Quality , that the Odoriferous Breath you suck into your Nostrils , shall prove an effectual Cure , for not only the afore-mentioned , but many other Distempers ; as for my own part , I found my self so enliven'd with the Fumes , which I snush'd up as we pass'd thro' , that a stale Maid after the Loss of her Virginity , or a clear'd Culprit , who has just knock'd off his Shackles , could not be more Frollicksome and Gay , than I found my self ; which I may justly ascribe to the great Influence of this Golden-colour'd Product , which is of a Nature so good , that Physicians themselves allow it can scarce be us'd amiss . From thence we jogg'd on about a Mile , at which distance from Saffron Walden , stood a famous Pile of Stone Building , called Audley-End , of which I had often heard , but never till this time had amaz'd my Eyes with such a stupendious Structure , which seem'd to me to be a great City , with the License of a Traveller , almost as big as London within the Walls , if you take Gardens and all , and for ought I know , I shall not enlarge so much as to need your Pardon for it . This Magnificent Edifice was first rais'd by an Ancestor of the Earl of Suffolk , and sold afterwards to King Charles ; the Magnitude of this House is reported to be such , that 't is a Days Work for a running Footman to open and shut the Windows that appertain thereto ; and that there is one Gallery in it , of such a vast length , that if you beat a Drum at one end , it shan't be loud enough to fright away a Mouse at the other ; nor are we able to distinguish at the same distance a Hog from a Dog , without a spying Glass . It 's a House fit only for a Prince , and to be maintain'd and upheld at a National Charge , for it 's almost large enough to Beggar the Country it stands in , to keep it in repair . It is situated in a valley at the Bottom of a Hill , and has Water enough comes down in the Winter to drown it , if Care by Drains and Aquaducts , were not taken to prevent it , 'T is a useless Vanity , sprung up from abundance of Riches , rais'd more for wonder than for use ; and serves rather as a Monument of the Donor's Pride and Greatness , than his Wisdom and Liberality ; for to spend one half of an Estate in a Building , that would ruine the remainder to keep it in Repair , either shows that a Man knows not well what he does , or that he has more Money than he knows well what to do with ; or else that he was mindful to do a vain thing with his Treasure , the better to show the World the Vanity of Riches . From thence we scower'd along an Asses Gallop , now and then plagu'd with a terrifying Lesson from our little Humane Bagpipes , meeting with nothing remarkable till we came within four Mile of Cambridge , at which distance the top of Kings Colledge Chappel was discernable , appearing in a Figure resembling a Cradle , and by Travellers is so call'd ; which happen'd to draw into my Noddle , the following scrap of Poetry . Old Cambridge brings forth Men of Learning and Parts , Dame Natures dark Laws to unriddle ; And Since she 's the Midwife of Science and Arts , 'T is fit she be known by a Cradle . When from thence we had travel'd about three Mile further , we came to a small Village call'd Trumpington , a Mile on this side Cambridge . This Town is not a little famous for two great Conveniences it affords the young Scholars of the University , for here the fresh Men first learn to be good Companions , and afterwards when in Orders , practise to be good Preachers ; for here they commonly Drink their first merry cup with their Friends after their initiation , and generally deliver their first Sermon when Qualified by the Bishop for the Ministerial Function ; as we pass'd thro' Trumpington , where the Scholars at their leisure hours , are some or other of 'em usually refreshing themselves ; we saw several Black Gowns pop in and out of the little Country-hovels , like so many Black Rabbits in a Warren , bolting out of their Coney-Burroughs ; I have some reason to be jealous , the Name of this Place was Originally given it for no good , but rather from some wild Schollars , who being Libidiously given , had usual recourse thither , and kist the Wenches till they Farted again , from whence , as some Sages conjecture , in process of time , it gain'd the Name Trumping-Town . Where Women , doubtless , are possest , Of Faculties discerning ; Since they ( kind Souls ) so oft are Blest , With Men of Parts and Learning . One Pulpit's Common to the Gown , For Teachers to be seen in ; But they have Numbers in the Town , Where Preachers oft have been in . All standing stifly to their Text , Till clear'd the Point most fairly ; Whilst those they ' nstruct are never vext , But when they 've done too Early . The next place we arriv'd at , was our Journeys-end , Cambridge ; where Black and Purple Gowns were stroling about Town , like Parsons in a Country Metropolis , during the Bishops visitation ; Some looking with as meagre Countenances , as if in search of the Philosophers-Stone , they had study'd themselves into an Hypocondriack Melancholly ; other 's seeming so profoundly thoughtful , as if in pursuance of Agrippa's Notions they were studying how to raise Sparagrass from Rams-Horns , or to produce a Homunculus as Gardeners do Pumpkins , by burying the Semen in a Dunghil ; some looking as Plump and as Jolly as a painted Bacchus bestriding a Canary Butt ; smiling as he past by , at his own Soliloquies , as if he was muttering over to himself some Bacchanalian Ode , he had conceiv'd in Praise of good Clarret ; others seeming as Sottishly Sorrowful as if they were Maudlin Fuddl'd , and lamenting the Misfortune of poor Anacreon , who Choak'd himself with a Grape-Stone ; some strutting along about Eighteen years of Age , in new Gown and Cassock , as if they had receiv'd Orders about two hours before , and were the next Morning to have Institution and Induction , to become the hopeful Guide of a whole Parish ; and here and there one appearring so Rakishly Thoughtless , as if Nature , by his empty Looks , had design'd him to grind Mustard , or pick Mushrooms for some Noble-Mans Kitchen ; tho' his Parents , in Opposition to his destiny , resolv'd to make him a Scholar . As for the Town it self , it was so abominably dirty , that Old-street in the middle of a Winters Thaw , or Bartholomew-Fair after a Shower of Rain , could not have more occasion for a Scavenger , than the miry Street of this famous Corporation ; and most of them so very narrow , that should two Wheel-barrows meet in the largest of their Thorough-fares , they are enough to make a stop for half an hour before they can well clear themselves of one another , to make room for Passengers . After the Coach had set me down , and I had taken a fair Leave of my Fellow-Travellers , I walk'd about to take a more compleat survey both of the Town and University . The Buildings in many parts of the Town were so little and so low , that they look'd more like Hutts for Pigmies , than Houses for Men ; and their very Shop-keepers seem'd to me to be so well-siz'd to their Habitations , that they appear'd like so many Monkeys in their Diminutive Shops mimicking the Trade of London . Amongst the rest of the Pomps and Vanities of this Wicked Corporation , there is one very famous Inn , distinguish'd by the Sign of the Devils Lap-dog in Petty-Cury , here I went to refresh my self with a Glass or two of Canary ; where I found an Old grizly Curmudgion , Corniferously Wedded to a Plump , Young , Brisk , Black , Beautiful , good Landlady , who I afterwards heard had so great a kindness for the Uniniversity , that she had rather see two or three Gown-men come into her House , than a Cuckoldly Crew of Aldermen in all their Pontificalibusses ; and indeed I had reason to believe there was no love lost , for the Scholars crept in as fast and as slily , for either a Kiss , a kind Look , or a Cup of Comfort , as Hogs into an Orchard after a High-wind , or Flys into Pigsauce , for the sake of the Sugar ; I lik'd my pretty Hostess so wonderfully well , and was so greatly Delighted with the pleasant Conversation I met with in the House , that I determin'd with my self to make this my place of residence during my continuance in the Town , so bespeaking a Bed , I afterwards took a Walk in order to view the University , of which I shall proceed to give you a sober and Concise Description . The Colledges stand without side the Town , which in plain Terms is a Corporation of Ignorance , hem'd round with Arts and Sciences , a Nest of Fools , that dwell on the Superfluities of the Learned , an ingrateful Soil where the Seeds of Generosity are daily scatter'd , but produce nothing in return but the Wicked Weeds of Unthankfulness and Ingratitude . Of Learned Societies there are in all Sixteen , twelve Colledges , and four Halls ; the most Magnificent of which , being that of Trinity , whose spacious Quadrangle , and commodious Library remain without comparison , the Scholars of this Foundation are distinctly Habited , in Purple Gowns ; the rest of the Universitie wearing Black , agree in one and the same Mode . The next piece of Building more particularly Remarkable , is Kings-Colledge Chappel , Founded by Henry the Sixth , and is greatly fam'd by all Men of Judgment , for it 's admirable Architecture , much after the manner of Henry the Seventh's Chappel at Westminster , if not finer and larger . The rest of the Colledges , except St. Iohn's ( which has been Beautified and Enlarg'd of late years ) wear the Faces of great Antiquity , and tho' they are not so fine as those which have had the Advantage of a Modern improvement , yet the rust of their Aged Walls , and Obsoleteness of their Structure , procure Veneration from all Spectators , and seem'd to me more noble in their Ancient Uniformity , than others disagreeable enlarg'd with additional Novelties . In short , the Colledges are so Splendid , the Government so Regular , the Orders so Strict , the Ceremonies so Decorous , and the Preferments so Honourable , that in all Europe it is not excel'd by any University except Oxford . Having thus feasted my Eyes with a general view of the Colledges , I retir'd to my Inn , where I repos'd my self after a good Supper , till the next Morning , which proving fine and Pleasant , I took a Walk to Stir-Bitch-Fair , tho' for the expence of 3 d. I might have been accommodated with the Conveniency of a London Hackney , who at this Season bring Passengers from London and ply there for the Fortnight , carrying Tag , Rag , and Bobtail , for the aforesaid price , provided they have as many as will fill their Coach ; but for Eighteen-pence a Scholar and his Mistress may have a running Bawdy-house to themselves , draw up their Tin Sashes , pink'd like the Bottom of a Cullender , and hug one another as private as they please , obscur'd from the wandring Eyes of all observing Passengers . I had not walk'd above half a Mile from Cambridge towards the Fair , but I came to a renown'd Village which by all reports very deservedly has gain'd the Ignominious Epithet of Bawdy-Barnwel , so call'd from the Numerous Brothel-Houses it contains for the Health , Ease , and Pleasure of the Learned Vicinity , and has had so ancient a Reputation for Sacrificing it's Female Off-spring thro' many Ages , to the Use and Service of the Neighbouring Societies , that there has not been a Maiden-head known in the Town at Sixteen years of Age , since the time of King Henry the first , in whose Reign Cambridge was new Model'd into an University . Besides the Women of this place have such a Love for the Scholars , and hatred for the Townsmen , that a Batchelour of Arts , shall have more favour for a Distick of English Verses , in praise of Simple Fornication , than the best Tradesmen thro' out the Corporation shall find for an Ounce of Sterlin . From thence I march'd forward till I came to the Fair , where I beheld such a Number of Wooden Edifices , and such a Multitude of Gentry , Scholars , Tradesmen , Whores , Hawkers , Pedlars , and Pick-pockets , that it seem'd to me like an Abstract of all sorts of Mankind , drawn into a lesser Body , to show the World in Epitomy : At first I came to the Proctors-Booth , wherein he keeps an Arbitrary Court to Punish , as the Learned Divan shall think fit , all Misdemeanors touching the Scholars , from whence there can be no Appeal ; and near to this is held another Wooden Court of Justice on the Behalf of the Corporation , where his Worshipful Bulkiness the Mayor , sits to determine all such Matters as concern his Authority , assisted with the cornuted Elders of the Town , who are ready to lend a Horn upon occasion , to help the Head of their Superiour in all cases of difficulty . A little beyond these , lay vast Quantities of Hops , brought in from the adjacent Countreys ; which made me at first conceive the Cantabrigians to be indefatigable Topers of Malt Liquor , if the Town could consume a the in Tythe Twelve-month of what I beheld in Bags , which upon second consideration I imagin'd might be as well bought up by our London Merchants , and therefore ought to beg Cambridg's Pardon for thinking it guilty of such excessive Inebriety From thence I turn'd to the left , by the River side , where my Nostrils were Saluted with such a Saline Savoury Whiff , as if I had been walking in a dry Fish-mongers shop in Thames-street ; at last I came into a Dutch Market of red and pickled Herrings , Salt-fish , Oysters , Pitch , Tar , Soap , &c. Next these a parcel of Wooden Trumpery , rang'd in as much order , as a Cup-board of Plate , where Bacchanalian Students may furnish themselves with Punch-Bowles , agreeable to their own Bibacity , Sot's supply themselves with Cans , sizable to their own Humours , and Beggars accommodate themselves with Spoons and Porridge-Dishes of any Dimension , suitable to their own Appetites . Adjoyning to this place , stand about a Dozen of Sutlers boozing-Kens , distinguished by the Name of the Lyn-Booths ; the good People that keep 'em being Inhabitants of that Town , and have so fair a Reputation for the foul practise of Venery , that their sinful Hovels have always maintain'd the Character of being notorious Bawdy-Houses ; the Scholars , to encourage the old Trade of Basket-making , have great resort to these Up-tail Accademi●s , where they are often presented with a Lyn Fairing , which brings 'em to thin Jaws , and a Month or two's spare diet , as a pennance for a minutes Titilation ; giving many of 'em reason to say with a Scholar under the same Affliction , who being at Chappel whisper'd to his Chamber-fellow , Chum , Chum , tho' I have the Word of God in my Mouth , to tell thee the Truth on 't , I have a Lyn Devil in my Breeches . From these Booths I went strait up a Hill , and came into a very handsome street call'd Garlick-Row , where the slit-deal Tenements were occupy'd by Sempstresses , Perfumers , Milleners , Toy-men , and Cabinet-makers ; and is chiefly frequented by Powder'd ▪ Beau's , Bushy Wig'd Blockeads , Country Belfa's , and Beautiful Bury Ladies ; the latter of which being as commendable for their good Nature , as remarkable for their Prettiness , are attended with such Crowds of Dutchified Fops , with their Hats under their Arms , and their Hands in their Pockets , Bowing and Cringing with such Flexible Submission to each Proud Enchantress , as if their Backs were made of Whalebone ; which brought into my Mind the following Distich of my Lord Rochesters , in which if I alter one Word , for decency's sake , I hope the Reader will excuse it . So a Proud Minx does lead about , Of Humble Curs the Am'rous Rout. This Place terminates in a Place call'd originally Cooks-Row , but now more properly Cuckolds-Row , from the great Number of Booksellers that are now crept into Possession of their Greasinesses Division ; this Learned part of the Fair is the Schollars chief Rendezvouz , where some that have Money come to buy Books , whilst othes who want it , take 'em slily up , upon Condition to pay if they 're catch'd , and think it a Pious piece of Generosity , to give St. Austin or St. Gregory Protection in a Gown Sleeve till they can better provide for ' em . Here the most famous Auctioneer of all Great as well as Little Britain , sells Books by the Hammer , and gives the Scholars as merry an Entertainment , as a Mountebank and his Andrew . Here 's an Old Author for you , Gentlemen , you may Iudge his Antiquity by the Fashion of his Leather-Iacket ; herein , is contain'd , for the Benefit of you Scholars , the Knowledge of every thing ; written by that famous Author , who thro' his Prosound Wisdom , very luckily discover'd that he knew nothing ? For your Encouragement , Gentlemen , I 'll put him up at two Shillings , advance 3 Pence ; Two Shillings once : What no Body bid ? The Bidder advances 3 d. Two and 3d. once : Gentlemen , Fye for shame , why sure Men of your Parts and Learning , will never suffer the Works of so famous an Author to be thus undervallued : If you 'll believe me , Gentlemen , he 's worth more to a Powder-Monkey to make Cartridges of , than what 's bid : Two and three pence twice ? What no Body amongst you Gentlemen of the Black Robe , that has so much respect for the Wisdom of our Ancestors , as to advance t'other 3d ? Well Sir , I find you must have him at two and three pence , Knock , and now you 've bought him : Sir I must tell you , you 'll find Learning enough within him , to puzzle both Vniversities : And thus much I promise you further Sir , when you have read him seven years , if you don 't like him , bring him to me again , in Little Brittain , and I 'll help you to a Man shall give you a Shilling for him , to cover Band-Boxes . At this sort of rate he banters the young Studients ; and whatever they purchas'd , gave 'em a Jest into the Bargain . From thence I pass'd into a great Street call'd Cheapside , where on one side were a considerable number of wholesale Tradesmen , as Linnen-drapers , Silk-men , Iron-mongers , Leather-sellers , Tobacconists , &c. who swell'd in their Shops , and look'd as big above the rest of the Petty-Dealers as the bluff well-fed Senior-Fellows of a College do above the lean thin-gutted poor Sizers . On the opposite side are Suttlers Booths , much frequented by the London Citizens , who are easily to be known by their thin Calves-Leather Boots , and the Bloodiness of their Spurs , whose Rowels have been often buryed in the sides of their Hackneys . Their pretence is , coming down to meet their Customers ; tho' its plain by their Loitering , they have little else to do but to Drink , Smoke , and Whore , and to help support the Fair in its Ancient Custom of Debauchery ; couzening themselves of their Time , their Families of their Money , and their dear Wives of their Company . Their Whips they wear under their Arms , as a Beau does his Hat ; and tie up the ends of their Bob-Wigs in Black Bags , with a ridiculous hope of being thought Gentlemen . Behind these Booths is a place call'd the Duddery , incompass'd round with Salesmen and People that fell Norwich-Stuffs , and in the Middle , abundance of Packs of that Deceitful Commodity Yorkshire-Cloth : The Sales-men Ply at their Booth-doores as they do in Long-lane ; and Lug and Tug the poor Country Folks into their Mercinary Wardrobes as if they had power to Arrest 'em ; who are surely Cheated if they Buy , and almost Worry'd if they dont . In the Center of this Place stands an old weather-beaten Pulpit , where on Sunday a Sermon is deliver'd , for the Edification of the Strowling Sinners , who give open Attention , as in a Field-Conventicle . Here is also great quantities of Wooll , put up in Bags , which they call Pockets , weighing at least a Tun Weight : An Irish Gentleman coming by , and staring very hard upon ' em . By my Shoul , says he , they are the largest Feather-Beds dat ever I did shee ; I wonder how they do to turn 'em when they make ' em . On the other side the River there 's a little Town , call'd Chesterton , in which there is the Sign of the Black Bull , where the Country Chapmen generally Lodg that come to the Fair , for the sake of rare strong humming Ale , for which 't is famous ; over which they get Drunk , Quarrel , and make Bargains , till the Fox brings 'em to Sleep , and Sleep , by the next Morning , to a Sober Repentance . The chief Entertainment of the Fair , is Stubble-Geese and Apple-Sauce , Fat Pig and Fly-Sauce , Bad Sack and Good Walnuts ; the last of which the Citizens send as Fairings to their Wives , to Divert 'em behind the Counter , in their Husbands Absence . At Night , when their Booths are shut up , which is only by Skewering two Hair-cloths together , then all that are Freshmen are sought by their Acquaintance , in order to be Christened : The manner of which is thus , Two or three contrive to decoy him , or her into a Sutlers Booth , under pretence of some body being there to speak with them about Business ; and then privately send for an old Fellow dignified with the Title of Lord Tap ▪ from his going Arm'd all-over with Spiggots and Fossets , like a Porcupine with his Quills , or looking rather like a Fowl wrapt up in a Pound of Sausages ; who when he comes , rings his Bell over the Head of the Party , repeating these Words with an Audible Voice : Over thy Head I ring this Bell , Because thou art an Infidel ; And I have found thee out by th' Smell : With a Hoxius Doxius call upon him , That no Vengeance may Light on him . Then the Party Christ'ned chuses two out of the Company to be his Godfathers , who generally give him some very Bawdy Name ; then they swear him upon the Horns , as at Highgate , make him give Tap Six pence , and spend four or five Shillings to treat the Company , and then for ever after he 's free of Stir-Bitch-Fair ; Of which having given my self the Satisfaction of a General Survey , I went back to Cambridge , took a Place in the Stage Coach , and return'd to London . FINIS .