The blacke booke Middleton, Thomas, d. 1627. 1604 Approx. 58 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 23 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2005-12 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A07491 STC 17875.5 STC 17875_VARIANT ESTC S121890 99857049 99857049 22717 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A07491) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 22717) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1248:3) The blacke booke Middleton, Thomas, d. 1627. [48] p. Printed by T.C. for Ieffrey Chorlton, London : 1604. Foreword signed: T.M., i.e. Thomas Middleton. A satire. Partly in verse. The title and imprint date are xylographic. Signatures: A-F⁴. The first leaf and the last leaf are blank. In this edition B1v line 5 of text ends "Companies". Quires A and parts of E and F are reimposed from STC 17875. Identified as STC 17875 on UMI microfilm. Reproduction of the original in the Henry E. Huntington Library and Art Gallery. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Satire, English -- Early works to 1800. 2005-06 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2005-07 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2005-08 Jonathan Blaney Sampled and proofread 2005-08 Jonathan Blaney Text and markup reviewed and edited 2005-10 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE BLACKE BOOKE . LONDON : Printed by T. C. for Ieffrey Chorlton . 1604. THE EPISTLE to the Reader . OR The true Character of this Booke . TO all those that are truly Vertuous , and can touch Pitch and yet neuer defile themselues : reade the mischieuous liues & pernicious practises of Villaines , and yet be neuer the worse at the end of the Booke , but rather confirmde the more in their honest Estates , and the vprightnes of their Vertues : To such I dedicate my selfe , the wholesome intent of my labours , the modestie of my Phrases , that euen blush when they discouer Vices , and vnmaske the worlds shadowed villanies : And I account him as a Traytor to Vertue , who diuing into the deep● of this cunning Age , and finding there such Monsters of Nature , such speckled lumps of poyson , as Pandars , Harlots , and Ruffians do figure , if hee rise vp silent again , and neither discouer or publish them to the ciuil Ranck of sober and continent Liuers , who thereby may shunne those two deuouring Gulfes : to wit , of Deceit and Luxury , which swallow vp more Mortals , thē Scy●●a and Charibdi● , those two Cormorants & Woolners of the Sea , one tearing , the other deuouring : Wherefore I freely perswade my selfe , no vertuous spirit , or Iudiciall Worthy , but wil approue my politick Morrall , wherevnder the shadow of the Diuels Legacies , or his bequeathing to Villaines , I strip their villanies naked , and bare the insectious Bulkes of Craft , Coosnage , and Pandarisme , the three Bloodhoundes of a Common-wealth : And thus farre I presume , that none will or can except at this which I call the Black Booke ( because it doubly Damnes the Diuel ) but some tainted Harlot , Noselesse Bawde , obsceane Ruffian , & such of the same blacke Nature , and filthy Condition , that poyson the towardly Spring of Gentilitie , and corrupt with the mud of mischiefs the pure & cleare streames of a Kingdome : And to spur-gall such , who reades me shall know I dare , for I feare neither the Rats-bane of a Harlot , nor the Ponyard of a Villaine . T. M. A Morall . Lucifer ascending , as Prologue to his owne Play. NOw is Hell landed here vpon the Earth , When Lucifer in limbes of burning gold Ascends this dustie Theater of the world , To ioyne his powers : and were it numbeed well . There are more Diuells on Earth then are in Hell. Hence springs my damned ioy , my torturde spleene Melts into mirthfull Humour at this Fate , That heauen is hung so high , drawne vp so farre , And made so fast , naylde vp with many a Starre . And Hell the very shop-borrd of the Earth , Where when I cut out soules , I throw the shreds And the white linings of a new-soyld Spirit , Pawnde to luxurious and adulterous merit . Yea , that 's the sinne , and now it takes her turne , For which the world shall llke a Strumpet burne : And for an Instance to fire false imbraces , I make the world burne now in secret places , I haunt inuisible corners as a Spie , And in adulterous Circles there rise I ▪ There am I coniur'd vp through hote desire , And where Hell rises there must needs be fire : And now that I haue vaulted vp so hye Aboue the Stage-rayles of this earthen Globe , I must turne Actor , and ioyne Companies To share my Comick sleek-eyde villanies . For I must weaue a thousand Ills in one , To please my blacke and burnt affection : Why ? euery Tearme-time I come vp , to sowe Dissention betwixt Plough-men , that should sowe The Fields vaste wome , and make the haruest growe : So comes it oft to passe deare yeares befall , When Plough-men leaue the Field to till the Hall : Thus Famine and bleake death do greet the Land , When the Plough's held betweene a Lawyers hand . I fat with ioy to see how the poore Swaines Do boxe their Country-thyes , carrying their Packets Of writings , yet can neither reade nor write , They 're like to Candles if they had no light : For they 're darke within , in sence and iudgement , As is the Hole at Newgate , and their thoughts Are like the men that lye there without spirit , This strikes my black soule into rauishing Musicke . To see Swaynes plod and shake their ignorant skuls : For they are nought but skul , their braine but Burre , Wanting wits marrowe and the sap of Iudgement ; And how they grate with their hard nayly soales The stones in Fleet-streete , and strike fire in Powles : Nay , with heir theauie Trot , and yron-stalke , They haue worne off the brasse in the mid-walke . But let these passe for Bubbles and so die , For I rise now to breath my Legacie : And make my last Will , which I know shall stand , As long as Bawde , or Villaine strides the Land. For which I le turne my shape quite out of Verse , Mou'd with the Supplication of poore Pierce , That writ so rarely villanous from hence , ●or spending money to my Excellence : Gaue me my Titles freely , for which giuing , I rise now to take order for his Liuing . The blacke Knight of the Poste shortly reternes From Hell , where many a Tabacc'mst burnes : With newes to smoaky Gallants , Ryotous Heires , Strumpets that follow Theators and Faires , ●●ded-nosde Vsurers , base mettald Pandars To Copper Captaines , and Pickt-hatch Commanders . To all ●nsectious Catch-poles through the Town● The very speckled ve●min of a crowne : To these and those , and euery damned one , I le bequeath Legacie● to thri●e vpon● Amongst the which , I le giue for his red●esle , A standing Pension to Pierce-Pe●●●●●e , THE BLACKE Booke . NO sooner was Peirce-Pennilesse breathed forth , but I the ●●ght-b●●ning Seriant Lu●●●ter , quencht my firie shape , and whipt into a Constables night gowne , the cunningst habite that could be , to search Tipsi● Tauerns , roosting Innes , and fr●thy Ale houses , when calling together my worshipfull Bench of Bill-men , I procéeded toward Pickt-hatch , intending to beginne their first , which ( as I may fitiy name it ) is the very shirts of all Brothel-houses ; the watchmen poore Night-crowes followed , and thought still they had had the Constable by the hand , when they had the diueil by the Gowne-s●●eue● at last I looking vp to the casements of euery suspected mansion , and spying a light twinekling , betweene hope and disperation , gessed it to be ●ome sleepie sn●ff● , euer and anon winking and nodding in the socket of a Candlesticke , as if the flame has bene a departing from the grea●●e body of Simon Snuffe the Stinckard : whereupon I the blacke Constable commanded my white Guard , not onely to assist my Office with their browne Billes , but to raise vp the house extemporie : with that the dreadful watch men hauing authority . standing by them , thundred at the doore , whilst the Candle lightned in the Chamber , and so betweene thundring and lightning , the Bawde rizze , first putting the Snuffe to an vntimely death , a cruell and a lamentable murther , and then with her fat-sag-chinne hanging downe like a ●owes Vdder , lay r●eking out at the windowe , demaunding the reason why they did summon a Parly : I told her in plaine tearmes , that I had a warrant to search , fr●m the Sheriffe of Limbo ; How ? from the Sheriffe of L●me-streete replyed Mistresse W●mble-ch●nn● , ( for so she vnderstood the word Limbo , as if Limbo had bene Latten for L●me-streete ) why then all the doores of my house shall flye open and receiue you Maister Constable : with that , as being the watch word , two or three vaulted out of their beddes at once , one swearing stockes and stoones , he could not finde his stockins , other that they could not hit vppon their false bodies , when to speake ●roath and shame my selfe , they were then as close to their flesh as they could , and neuer put them off since they were twelue yeare old : At last they shuffted vp , and were shut out at the back-part , as I came in at the North part , vp the stayes I went to examine the Feather-beddes , and car●ie the sheetes before the Iustice , for there was none else then to carrie , onely the flowre was strewde with Buske-pointes , silke Garters , and shooe-strings , ●●attred here and there for hast to make away from me , and the farther such runne , the nearer they come to me : then another doore opening rere-ward , there came puffing out of the next roome a villainous Leiftenant without 〈◊〉 Band , as if hée had béene new cut downe , like one of Wapping , with his cruell Garters about his Necke , which filthy resembled two of Dericks Necke-laces : hee had a head of hayre like one of my Diuells in Docter Faustus , when the olde Theater crackt and frighted the Audience ; His Browe was made of course Branne , as if all the Flower had béene boulted out to make honester men , so ruggedly moulded with ch●ps and creuises , that I wonder how it helde together , had it not béene pasted with villany ; His eye-browes ●etled out like the round casement of an Aldermans dining-roome , which made his eyes looke as if they had bene both damned in his head : for if so bee two soules had bene so farre suncke into Hell-pittes , they would neuer haue walkt abroade againe : His Nosthrills were cousen Germans to Currall , though of a softer condition , aud of a more relenting humour ; His C●weblacke Muchatoes , were almost halfe an Ell from the end to the other , as though they would whisper him in the eare about a cheate or a murther : and his whose face in generall , was more detestable on●ly then the visage of my grim Porter Cerbe●us , which shewed that all his body besides was made of filthy Dust , and Sea-cole ashes : A downe countenance he had , as 〈◊〉 would haue lookte thirty mile into Hell , and sée●● Sisyph●s rowling , and Ixi●n spinning and réeling : thus in a payre of hoary Slippers , his stockins dengling about his wrists , and his read Buttons like Foxes out of their holes , he began like the true Campion of a vaulting-house , first to ●ray me with the Bug-beares of his rough-cast beard , and then to sound base in mine eares , like the Beare-garden Dr●m , and this was the humour he put on , and the very apparell of his Phrases ! Why ? maister Constable , dare you 〈…〉 our owne mansion ? ha ! What is not our house our Cole-harbour , our Castle of come-downe , and lye-downe ? must my honest wedded Punck here , my glorie-fatte Awdry be taken napping , and raisd vp by the thunder of Bil-men ? are we disanold of our first sleepe ? and cheated of our dreames and fantas●es ? Is there not Law too for stealing away a mans slumbers , as well as for shéetes off from hedges ? Come you to search an honest Bawdie-house , this seuen and twentie yeares in 〈◊〉 and shame ? goe too then , you shall search ; nay , my very Bootes too : are you well now ? the least hole in my house too , are you pleasde now ? can we not take ou● ease in our Inne , but we most come out so quickly ? Nawd , goe to bed , swéet Nawd , thou wilt c●●le thy grease 〈◊〉 , and make thy fat cake . This sayde ( by the vertue and vice of my Office ) I commanded my Bil-men downe staires , when in a twinckling , discouering my selfe a little , as much as might serue to rellish me , and shew what stuffe I was made off , I came and kist the Bawde , hogde her excellent villanies and cuning rare conueyances , then turning my selfe , I threw mine armes ( like a scarffe or 〈◊〉 ) crosse the Leiftenants melancholly Bosome , embraest his resolute phrases , and his dissolute humours , highly comm●nding the damnable Trade , and detestable course of their 〈◊〉 , so excellent filthie , and so admirable 〈◊〉 ! Whereupon this Lefitenant of Pickt-hatch , fell into deeper league a●d farther acquaintance with the blacknesse of my bosome , sometimes calling me Maister Lucifer the Head-borow , sometimes Maister Deuillin , the little blacke Constable . Then telling me , he heard from Limbo the 11. of the last Moneth , and that he had the letter to show , where they were all very mery : marry as he told me , there were some of his friends in P●legetō ▪ troubled with the heart-burning : yea , and with the soule burning too thought I : though thou litle dreamst of the torment : then complaining to me of their bad takings all the last plaguy Sommer , that there was no stirrings , and therefore vndone for want of doings , whereupon after many such inudctions to bring the sceane of his pouerty vppon the Stage , he desired in coole tearmes to borrow some forty pence of me ; I stuft with anger at that base and lazie petition ; ( knowing that a right true villain , and an absolute practized Pandar ) could not want siluer damnation , but liuing vpon the Reuenewes of his wits , might purchase the Diuell and all , halfe conquerd with rage thus I replyed to his basenes . Why ? for shame a Bawde and poore ? why then let vsurers goe a begging , or like an old Gréeke stand in Powles with a Porringer ? let Brokers become whole honest then , and remoue to heauen out of Hounsditch ? Lawyers turne féelesse , and take Ten 〈◊〉 a poore Widowes teares for Tenne shillings : Merchants neuer forsweare themselues , whose great periurde ●aths a Land , turne to great windes and cast away their Ships at Sea : which false perfidious tempest splits their ships abroad , and their soules at home , making the one take salt water , and the other salt fire : let Mercers then haue conscionable Thumbes , when they measure out that smooth glittering Diuell Sattin , and that old Reuell●r V●luet in the daies of Mounseir , both which haue deuoured many an honest Field of Wheate and Barly , that hath bene metamorphosed and changed into white money ; puh , these are but litle w●nders , and may be ●astly possible in the working ; A Vsurer to cry bread and meate is not a thing impossible , for indéed your greatest Vsurer is your greatest Begger , wanting as well that which he hath , as that which he hath not : then who can be a greater Begger ? he will not haue his house smell like a Cookes shop , and therefore takes an order no meate shall be drest in it ▪ and because there was an House vpon Fish-stréets Hill burnt to the Ground ●nce , hee can abide by no meanes to haue a fire in his Chimny euer since : to the confirming of which , I will insert here a pretie conceit of a nimble-wiltied Gentlewoman , that was worthy to be Ladyfied for the Iest , who entring into a Vsurers House in London , to take vp mony vpon vnmercifull Interest , for the space of a Tweluemoneth , was conducted through two or thrée hungry roomes into a faire dining Roome , by a Lenten faced Fellow , the Vsurers man , whose Nose showoe as if it had bene made of hollow Past boord , and his Che●ks like two thin Parcakes clapt together : A pittifull kna●e he was , and lookte for all the world as if meal● had bene at twentie shillings a Bushell : the Gentlewoman being placed in this faire Roome to awaite the Vsurers leysure , who was cassing vp Ditches Golde in his Counting-house , and being almost frozen with standing for it was before Kandle-ma● Frost bitten Tearme ) euer and anon turning about to the Chimney where shee sawe a paire of Corpulent Giganticall Andiorns that stood like two Burgomasters at both corners , a Harth briskly drest vp , and a great cluster of Charcoale pilde vp together like blacke Pudoings , which l●ye for a● dead fire , and in the dyning Roome soo : the Gentlewoman wondring it was so long a kindling , at last shee caught the nuscrable conce●t of it , and calling her man to her , bad him seeke ou● for a piece of Chalke , or some peeling of a white Wall , whilest in the meane 〈◊〉 shee conceited the D●uice , when taking vp the sixe former Coales one after another , shee chalkt ●pon each of them a Satyricall Letter , which sixe were these . T. D. C. R. V. S. Explaind● thus : These Dead Coales , Resemble Vsurers Soules . Then placing them in the same order againe turning the chalkt sides inward to try conclusions , which as it happened , made vp the Iest the better , by that time the Vsurer had done amongst his golden heapes , and entertaining the Gentlewoman with a Cough a quarter of an houre long , at last after a rotten Hawke and a Hem , he began spit and speake to her : To conclude , she was furnished of the money for a twelue-moneth , but vpon large securitie and most Tragicall Vsury ; when keeping her day the Twelue-moneth after , comming to repa●e both the mony and the breede of it . ( For Interest may well be calde the Vsurers Bastard ) shee found the Hearth drest vp in the same order with a dead fire of charcole againe , and yet the Thames was halfe frozen at that time with the bitternes of the season : when turning the formos● ranke of coales , determining againe as it seemd to drawe some prety knauery vppon them too , shee spy●d all those six● Letters which shee chalkt vppon them the twelue-month before , and neuer a one stirde or displaced : the strange sight of which , made her breake into these words . Is it possible quoth she a Vsurer should burne so litle here , and so much in Hell ? or is it the colde propertie of these Coales to be aboue a tweluemonth a kindling ? so much to showe the frozen Charity of a Vsurers Chimney . And then a Broaker to be an honest soule , that is , to take but sixpence a month , and three pence for the Bill making : a Diuell of a very good conscience ? possible too , to haue a Lawyer bribelesse and without Fee if his clyētesse or female clyent please his eie wel , a Merchant to weare a sut● of periury but once a quarter , or so : mistake m● not , I meane not foure times an hower , that shift were too short , ●ee could not put it on so soone I thinke : and lastly , not impossible for a mercer to haue a Thumbe in Folio , like one of the biggest of the Guard , and so giue good and very bountifull measure : but which is most impossible to be a right Bawde and poore , it strikes my spleene into dulnes : and turnes all my blood into coole lead ; Wherefore was vice ordained but to bee rich , shining and wealthy , seeing vertue her opponent is poor● , ragged , and needy ? those that are poore are timorous honest , and foolish harmelesse , as your carroling Sheepheards , whistling Plough-men , and such of the same innocent Rancke , that neuer reiush the blacke Iuice of villan●● , neuer taste the red foode of murther , or the damnable suckets of Lururie : whereas a Pandar is the very o●le of Villani● , and the sirroppe of Rogues● of excellent Rogues I meane , such as haue purchasde fiue hundreds a yeare b● the Talent of their Villanie : how many such Gallants doe I knowe , that liue onely vppon the reuenewe of their wittes : some whose Braynes are aboue an hundred mile about , and those are your Geometricall Theeues , which may fitly be called so , because they measure the High-wayes with false Gallops , and therefore are Heires of more Acres then fiue and fittie elder Brothers : sometimes they are Clarkes of Newe-market Heathe ▪ sometimes the Sheriffes of Salisburie Plaine ; and another time they commit Brothelrye , when they make many a man stand at Hockley in the Hole . These are your great head Land lords indeed , which call the word Robbing , the gathering in of their Rents , and name all Passengers their Tenants of Will. Another set of delicate Knaues there are , that diue into Deedes and Writings of Landes , lest to young Gall-Finches , poysoning the true sence and intent of them , with the mercilesse Antimonie of the Common Lawe , and so by some craftie Clawe or two , shoue the true foolish Owners quite beside the Saddle of their Patrimonies , and then they hang onely by the Stirrops : that is , by the colde Almes and frozen christie of the Gentlemen-defeaters ; ( whom they take after mee their great Grandfather ) will rather stampe them downe in the déepe mire of pouertie , then bolster vp their heads with a poore wispe of charitie : such as these corrupt the true meanings of lest Willes and Testaments : and turne Legacies the wrong way , wresting them quite awrie like Grauntum Stéeple . The third Rancke ( quainter then the former ) presents vs with the Race of lustie Vaulting Gallants , that in stead of a French Horse practise vppon their Mistresses all the nimble Trickes of Vaulting , and are worthy to be made Dukes for doing the Somerset so liuely . This Neast of Gallants , for the naturall partes that are in them , are maintainde by their Drawne-worke Dames , and their imbrodered Mistresses , and can dispend their two thousand a yeare out of other mens Coffers : kéepe at euery héele a man , beside a French Lackey , ( a great Boy with a beard ) and an English Page , which filles vp the place of an Ingle : they haue their Citie-horse ( which I may well tearme their Stone-horse ) or their Horse vppon the Stones : For indeed , the Citie being the lusty Danie and Mistresse of the Land , layes all her foundation vpon good Stone-worke , and some body payes well for it , where euer it lights , and might with lesse cost keepe London Bridge in reparations euery fall , then Mistresse Briget his wife ; for Women and Bridges alwayes lacke mendings and what the aduantage of one Tide performes , 〈◊〉 another tyde presently & w●shes away . Those are your Gentlemen Gallants , that seeth vppermost , and neuer lin gallopping , till they runns ouer into the fire , so gloriously accounted , that they rauish the eyes of all Wantons , and take them prisoners in their shops with a briske sute of Appar●ll : they strangle and choake more Veluet in a deepe ●●ther●d Hose , then would serue to line through my Lord what call ye-hims Coach. What neede I inferre more of their prodigall glistrings , and their ●pangled damnations ? when these are Arguments sufficient to shew the wealth of sinne , and howe rich the Sonnes and Heires of Tartarie are : And are these so glorious so florishing , so brim-full of golden Lucifers or light Angelles , and thou a Pandar and poore ? A Bawde and emptie , appareld in villainous Pack-thread , in a wicked Sute of course Hoppe-bagges , the wings and skirts faced with the ruines of Dish-cloutes ? Fie , I shame to see thée drest vp so abhominable scuruie . Complaynst thou of bad doings , when there are Harlols of all Trades , and Knaues of all Languages ? Knowest thou not , that sinne may bée committed , either in French , Dutch , Iitalian , or Spanish , and all after the English fashion : But thou excuse the negligance of thy practize by the last Sommers Pestilence : Alas , poore Skark Gull , that put off is idle : for Seriant Carbuncle , one of the Plagues chiefe Officers , dares not venture within thrée yardes of an Harlot , because Mounseir Dry-bone the French-man , is a Ledger before him . At which spéech , the Slaue burst into a melancholy Laugh , which shewde for all the world like a sadde Tragedie with a Clowne in t : and thus began to reply . I knowe not whether it be a Crosse or a Curse , ( noble Philippe of Phlegeton ) or whether both , that I am forced to pinck foure Elles of Bagge to make mee a Summer suite , but I protest , what with this long Vacation , and the ●idging of Gallants to Norfolke , and vp and downe Countries , Pierce was neuer so Pennilesse , as poore Lieutenant Frig-beard . With those werds he put mée in minde of him for whom I chiefly changed my selfe into an officious Constable , poore Pierce-Pennilesse : when presently I demanded of this Leiuetenant the place of his abode , and when hee la●t heard of him ( though I knew well enough both where to heare of him , and finde him ) to which hée made answere . Who ? Pierce , honest Pennilesse ? hée that writ the Mad-cappes Supplication ? why , my very next Neighbour , lying within thrée leane houses of mée , at olde Mistresse Siluer-pinnes , the onely doore-kéeper in Europe . Why ? we meete one another euery Terme time , and shake hands when the Exchequer opens , but when we open our hands , the Diuell of Penny we can sée . With that II chéerde vp the drooping Salue , with the Aqua-vitae of villanie , and put him in excellent comfort of my damnable Legacie : saying , I would stuffe him with so many wealthy instructions , that hée should excell euen Pandarus himselfe , and goe nine mile beyonde him in Pandarisme , and from thence forward he should neuer know a true Rascall goe vnder his red Veluet flops ; and a gallant Bawde indéed belowe her loose bodied-Sattin ? This saide , the slaue hugd himselfe and bust the Bawde for ioy , when presently I lett them in the 〈◊〉 of their wicked Smack , and descended to my Bil men that waited in the pernitious Alley for me their Maister Constable : and marching forward to the third Garden-house , there we knockt vp the Ghost of mistresse Siluer-pin . who suddainly risse out of two white shéetes , and acted out of her tyring-house windowe , but hauing vnderstood who we were , and the Authoritie of our office , shée presently eneu in her Ghosts apparell , vnfolded the Doores , and gaue me my frée enterance , when in policie I chargde the rest to stay and watch the house belowe , whilst I stumbled vp two payre of stayres in the darke , but at last caught in mine eyes the sullen blaze of a melancholy lampe , that burnt very tragically vppon the rarrow Deske o● a halfe Bedstead , which descryed all the pittifull Ruines throughout the whole chamber , the bare priuities of the stone-walls were hid with two pieces of painted Cloth ; but so ragged and tottreb , that one might haue séene all neuerthelesse , hanging for all the world like the two men in Chaynes betwéene Mile-end & Hackney ; The Testerne or the shadow , ouer the bed ▪ was made of foure Elles of Cobwebs , and a number of small Spinners Ropes hung downe for Curtaines ; the Spindle-shanke Spyders which showd like great Leachers with little legges , went stalking ouer his head , as if they had bene conning of Tamburlayne . To conclude , there was many such sights to be séene and all vnder a Pennie , beside the lamentable prospect of his hose and doublet , which being of old Kendall Greene , sitly resembled a Pitcht Fielde , vppon which trambled many a lusty Corporal : in this vnfortunate Tyring-house lay poore Pierce vppon a Pillow stuft with Horsemeate , the Shéetes smudged so durtily , as if they had bene stolne by night out of Saint Pulchers Church-yard when the Sexton had lest a Graue open , and so laide the dead bodies wool-ward : the Couerlet was made of pieces a blacke Cloth clapt together , such as was scatterd off the railes in Kings-Streete , at the Queenes Funerall : vpon this miserable Beds-head , lay the old Copy of his Supplication in soule written hand which my blacke Knight of the Post conueyed to Hell : which no sooner I entertaynd in my hand , but with the ratling and blabbing of the papers , poore Pierce began to stretch and grate his Nose against the hard Pillowe , when after a Rowze or two , he muttred these reeling words betwéene drunke and sober , that is , betwéene sléeping and waking . I should laugh ysaith , if for all this I should proue a Vsurer before I die , and haue neuer a Penny now to set vp withall , I would build a Nunnery in Pickt-hatch here , and turne the walke in Powles into a Bowling Alley ; I would haue the Thames leaded ouer , that they might play at Cony-holes , with the Arches vnder London - Bride . Well , and with that he wakte , the diuell is a mad Knae still . How now Pierce , ( quoth I ) doest thou call mée Knaue to my face ? Whereat the poore slaue started vp with his haire a tip-toe , to whom by easie degrées , I gently discouered my selfe , who trembling like the treble of a Lute , vnder the heauie finger of a Farmers daughter , craued pardon of my damnable Excellence , and gaue me my Titles as freely , as if he had knowne where all my Lordships lay , & how many Actes there were in Tartarie : but at the length hauing recouered to be bold againe , he vnfolded all his bosome to mee , told me that the Knight of Periurie had lately brought him a singed Letter , sent from a damned Friend of his : Which was thus directed , As followeth . From Stix to Woods close , OR The VValke of Pickt-hatch . AFter I sawe poore Pennilesse grow so well acquainted with me , and so familiar with the villany of my humour , I vnlockt my determinations , and laide open my intents in particulars , the cause of my vprising being moued both with his penetrable petition and his insufferable pouerty , and therefore changed my shape into a litle wapper-eid Constable , to winke and blinke at small faults , and through the policy of searching , to finde him out the better in his cleanly Tabernacle , and therefore gaue him encouragement now to be frolike , for the time was at hand like a Pickpurse , that Pierce should be cald no more Pennilelie , like the Maiors bench at Oxford , but rather Pierce-Penny-fis . because his palme shall bee pawnde with Pence . This sayd , I bad him be resolude , and get vp to Breake-fast , whilst I went ●ogather my Noyse of Villaines together , and made his lodging my Conuocation house : with that in a resulting humour , he calde his Hose and Dublet to him , ( which could almost goe alone , borne like a Herse vpon the Legges of Vermin ) whilst I thumpt downe staires with my Cowe-heele , imbraced Mistresse Siluerpinre and betooke me to my Bill-men : when in a twinckling before them all , I leapt out of Maister Constables Night-gowne , into an Vsurers ●ustie ●urde Jacket , whereat the Watch-men staggered , and all their Billes fell downe in a sownde : when I walkte close by them laughing and coughing like a rotten-lunpde Vsurer , to see what Italian faces they all made , when they mist their Constable , and sawe the blacke Gowne of his Office lye full in a puddle . Whell , away I scudded in the mustie moth-eaten habit , and being vpon Exchange time , I crowded my selfe amongst Merchants , poysoned all the Burse in a minute , and turnd their Faiths and Troths , into Curds and whay● , making them sweare those thi●gs now , which they for-swore when the Quarters struck againe : for I was present at the clapping vp of euery Bargaine , which did nere h●ld , no longer then they helde handes together : there I heard newes out of all Countries , in all Languages ; how many Villainies were in Spaine : how many Luxurs in Italie : how many Persurds in France : and how many Reele-pots in Germanie . At last I met at halfe turne , one whom I had spent hoarie eyes so long for , an 〈◊〉 money-maister , that had beene off and on sowe sixe and fitlie yeares dambde in his Counting-house , for his onely recreation was but to hop about the Burle before twelue , to heare what newes from the Bancke , and howe many Merchants were banqrout the last change of the Moone . This ramish Penny-father I rounded in the left Eare , winded in thy intent , the place and houre : Which no sooner hee suckt in , but smilde vppon me in French , and replyed : O Mounseir Deiable . I le be chiefe Guest at your Table , With that we shooke handes : and as we parted , I bade him bring Maister Cog-bill the Scriuenet along with him , and so I vanisht out of that dressing . And passing through Burchen-lane , amidst a Campe Royall of Hose and Doublets , ( Maister Snips backside being turnde where his face stood ) I tooke excellent occasion to slip into a Captaines Sute , a valiant Busse , Doublet , stuft with Points like a Legge of Mutton with Pa●slye , and a payre of Veluet slops , scored thicke with Lgce , which ranne ound about the Hose like Ring-wormes , able to make a man scratch where it itcht not . And thus accoultred , taking vp my weapons a trust in the same order , at he next Cutlers I came too , I marcht to Maister Bezles Ordinary , where I found a whole dozen of my damned crue sweating as much at Dice , as many pooze Laborers doe with the casting of Ditches : when presently I set in a Stake amongst them : round it went ; but the craftie Dice hauing péept vppon me once , knew who I was well enough , and would neuer haue their little blacke eyes of a me all the while after ; at last came my turne about , the Dice quaking in my First before I threw them ; but when I yerkt them forth , away , they ranne like Irish Lackeys , as farre as their bones would suffer them . I sweeping vp all the Stakes that lay vppon the Table : whereat some-stampt , others swore , the rest curst , and all in generall fretled to the Gaull , that a new Commer ( as they tearmed me ) should gather in so many Fi●teenes at th● first vomit . Well , thus it past on , the Dice running as false as the Drabbes in White-Fryers , ano when any one thought himselfe surest , in came I with a lurching cast , and made them all sweare round againe : But such Gunne powder Oathes they were , that I wonder haw the Seeling held together without spitting Morter vppon them . Zownes , Captaine swore one to mée , I thinke the Diuell be thy good Lorde and Maister : True , ( thought I ) and thou his Gentleman-Vsher . In conclusion , it fatted mee better then twentie eightéene-pence Gr●inaries , to here them rage , curse and sweare , like so many Emperours of Darkenesse . And all these twelue , were of twelue seuerall Crmpanies . There was your Gallant extraordinary Thiefe , that keepes his Colledge of Good-Fellowes , and will not feare to robbe a Lord in his Coach for all his tenne Trencher-bearers on horse-back , your deepe conceited Cut purse , who by the dexteritie of his knife will draw out the money , and make a flame coloure-purse shew like the bottomlesse pit , but with neuer a soule in t : Your cheating Bowler that will bancke false of purpose , and loose a game of twelue-pence to purchase his Partner twelue shillings in Bettes , and so share it after the Play. Your Cheu●rell-g●tted Catch-pele , who like a Horse-litch suckes Gentlemen , and in all your twelue Tribes of Villanie , who no sooner vnderstood the quaint forme of such an vncustomed Legacie , but they all pawnds their vitious Golles to meete there , at the houre prefixt : and to confirme their resolution the more , each slipt downe his Stockin , baring his right Knée , and so began to drinke a Health , halfe as deepe as Mother Hubburds Celler : She that was calde in for selling her working Bottle-Ale to Booke-binders , and spurting the Froth vpon Courtiers Noses . To conclude , I was their onely Captaine , ( for so they pleasde to title mée ) and so they all rizze , Poculis manibusque , applauding my newes : then the houre being more then once and once reiterated , we were all at our hands againe , and so departed . I could tell nowe , that I was in many a second House in the Cittie and Suburbs afterward , where my entertainment was not barren , nor my welcome Cheape or Ordinarie . And then howe I walkte in Powles to see fashions ; to diue into villainous meetings , pernitions Plots , blacke Humours , and a Million of mischiefes , which are bred in that Cathedrall Wombe , and borne within lesse then forty wéekes after . But some moy obiect and say ; What doth the Diuell walke in Powles theu ? Why not , Sir , aswell as a Seriant , or a Ruffian , or a Murtheter : may not the Diuell I pray you walke in Powles as well as the Horse goe a toppe of Powles , for I am sure I was not farre from his Kéeper . Puh , I doubt where there is no doubt , for there is no true Criticke indeede , that will carpe at the Diuell . Now the Houre posted on-ward to accomplish the effects of my desire , to gorge euery Vice full of poyson , that the soule might burst at the last , and vomit out her selfe vppon blew cakes of Brimstone . When returning home ( for the purpose , in my Capiaynes apparell of Buffe and Veluet ) I strucke mine Hostesse into admiration at my proper appearance , for my Poh , foote was helpt out with Bumbast . A propertie whielt many worldings vse , whose Toes are dead and rottenand therefore so stuffe out their Shooes , like the corners of Wooll-Packes . Well , into my Tyring-house I went , where I had scarce shifted my selfe into the Apparell of my last Will and Testament , ( which was the Habite of a couetous Barne-cracking Farmer ) but all my Striptlings of Perdition , my Nephewes of Damnation : my Kindred and alliance of Villany and Sharking , were ready before the houre , to receiue my Bottomlesse Blessing . When entring into a Countrey Night-Gowne , with a Cappe of sicknesse about my browes . I was led in betweene Pierce-Pennilesse , and his Hostesse , like a feeble Farmer , ready to depart England , and sayle to the Kingdome of Tartarie : who setting mee downe in a wicked Chaire , all my pernitious Kins-folkes round about mée , and the Scriuener betwéene my logges ( for his loues alwayes to fit in the Diuells Cot-house ) thus with a wha● countenance , short stooppes , and earthen dampish-voyce , the true Counterfets of a dying C●llian , I procéeded to the blacke Order of my Legacies . The last Will and Testament of Lawrence Lucifer , the old Batchiler of Limbo . ALIAS , Dicke Deuill-Barne , the griping Farmer of Kent . IN the Name of Bezle-bub , Amen . I Lawrence Lucifer , alias , Dicke Deuil-Barne , sicke in soule but not in body , béeing in perfect health to wicked memorie : Doe constitute and Ordaine this my last Will and Testament irreuocable , as long as the world shall be trampled on by Villanie . Inprimis , I Lawrence Lucifer , bequeath my soule to Hell , and my bodie to the Earth , amongst you all , diuide mée and share me equally , b●t with as much wrangling as you can , I pray : and it will be the better if you goe to Law for me . As touching my worldly wicked Goods , I giue and bequeath them in most villanous order following . First , I constitute and Ordaine , Leiuetenant Prig-beard , Arch-Ponder of England , my sole Heirs , of all such Lands , Closes and Gappes , as he within the Boundes of my gift : beside , I haue certaine Houses , Te●●ments , and with drawing Roomes in Shoreditch , T●●●hold-streete , White-Fryers , and Westminster : which I fréely giue and bequeath to the aforesayde Leiuetenant , and the base Heires truely begotte of his villanous body : with this Prouiso , that hée sell none of the Land when hée lacks money ; nor make away any of the Houses to impaire and weaken the Stocke , no not so much as to alter the propertie of any of them , which is to make them honest against their willes , but to traine and muster his wittes vpon the Mile-ende of his Mazard , rather to fortifie the Territories of Tunbold-street , and curich the Countie of Pickt-Hatch , with all his vitious Endeuours : golden Enticements , and damnable Practises . And Leiutenant , thou must diue ( as thou vsest to doe ) into Lauded Nouices , who haue onely wit to be licorish and no more , that so their Tenants trotting vp to London with with their Quartridges , they may pay them the rent , but thou and thy Colledge shall receiue the money . Let no yong rigle-eyde Damosell ( if her years haue strucke twelue once ) be left vnassaulted , but it must be thy Office to lay hard seige to her honestie : and to try if the walles of her Mayden-head may be scaled wish a ladder of Angells : for one ●ere of such Wenches will bring in more al yeares ende , then an hundred Acres of the best harrowed Land betwéene Detford and Douer : and take this for a Note by the way , you must neu●r walke without your Dewce , or Dew●e-Ace of Drabbes , after your Boote-héeles : for when you are abroad you know not what vse you may haue for them . And lastly ( if you be well feed by some riosons Galiant ) you must practize , ( as indéed you doe ) to winde out a wanton Veluet-cap and Bodkin from the tangles of her Shoppe , teaching her ( you knew how ) to cast a Cuckolds Mist before the eyes of her Husband , which is , telling him , shée must see her Coozeu , new come to Towne : or that shee goes to a womans Labour : when thou knowest well ynough , shée goes to none but her owne : and being set out of the Shoppe , ( with her man afore her , to quench the iealouzie of her Husband ) shee by thy instructions shall turne the honest simple fellow off , at the next turning , and giue him leaue to sée the merry Diuel of Edmunton , or a Woman kild with kindnesse : when his Mistresse is going her selfe to the same murther . Thousand of such inuentions , practizes and deuices , I stuffe thy Trade withall : beside the luxurious méetings at Tauernes , ten pound suppers , and flitéene pound reckonings , made vp afterwards with riotous Egs and Muscadine . All these female vomites , and adulterous Surfets , I giue and bequeath to thée , which I hope thou wilt put in practize with all expedition , after my decease : and to that ende , I ordaine thée wholy and solely , my onely absolute , excellent , villanous Heire . Item , I giue and bequeath to you Gregory Gauntlet , high Thiefe on Horse-backe ; all such summes of Money , that are nothing due to you , and to receiue them in , whether the Parties bée willing to pay you or no. You néede not make many wordes with them , but onely these two : Stand , and deliuer ; and therefore a true thiefe cannot ●huse but be wise , because hée is a man of so very fewe words . I néede not instruct you , I thinke Gregorie , about the politicke searching of craftie Carryers Packes , or ripping vp the bowells of wide Bootes , and Cloake-bagges , I doe not doubt but you haue already exercised them all . But one thing I especially charge you of : the neglect of which makes many of your Religion sender their wine-pipes at Tyburne , at least thrée Monthes before their day : that if you chaunce to robbe a vertuous Townesman on Horse-backe , with his wife vppon a Pillion behind him , you presently speake them faire to walke a Turne or two at one side , where binding them both together like Man and Wife , arme in arme very louingly : Bee sure you tie them hard ynough , for feare they breake the bondes of Matrimonie , which if it should fall out so , the matter would lie sore vppon your Neckes the next Sessions after , because your negligent tying , was the cause of that breach betwéene them . Now , as for your Welch Hue and Crie ( the onely Nette to catch Theeues in ) I knowe you auoyde well ynough , because you can shift both your Beardes and your Townes well , but for your better disguising , hence forward I will fit you with a Beard-maker of mine owne : One that makes all the false haires for my Diuells , and all the Periwigges that are worne by olde Courtiers , who take it for a pride in their balde dayes to weare yallowe Curles on their Foreheads , when one may almost see the Sunne goe to bed through the chinkes of their faces . Moreouer Gregorie , because I know thée toward ynough , and thy armes full of feates , I make the Kéeper of Come-Parke ; Seriant of Salisburie-Plaine ; Warden of the Standing-places ; and lastly , Constable of all Heaths , Holes , High-wayes , and Conny-groues : hoping that thou wilt execute these Places and Offices as truely , as Dericke will execute his place and Office at Tyburne . I giue and bequeath to thée Dicke Dogge-man , G●aund-Catchpole , ( ouer and aboue thy bare-bone Fees , that will scarse hang wicked flesh on thy backe ) all such ●urches , Gripes and Squéezes , as may bee wrung out by the fist of extortion . And because I take pillie on thée , wayfing so vsest as thou ere to doe , 〈◊〉 thou canst land on● Fare at the Counter , watching sometimes ten houres together in an Ale-house , euer and anon péeping forth and sampling thy Nose with the red Lattis : let him whosoeuer that falls into thy Clutches at night , pay well for thy standing all day : And couzen Richard when thou hast caught him in the Moustray of thy libertie with the chéese of thy office , the wire of thy hard fist being clapt downe vpon his Shoulders , and the backe of his estate almost broken to pieces ; then call thy cluster of fellow-vermins together , and sit in triumph with thy prisoner at the vpper end of a Ta●ene table , where vnder the colour of showing him fauour ( as you tearme it ) in waiting for Bayle , thou and thy Counter-liche , may swallow downe sixe Gallons of Charnico , and then begin to chafe that he makes you stay so long-before Peter Bayle comes : And here it will not be amisse if you call in more wine-suckers , and damne as many Gallons againe ; for you know your prisoners ransome will pay for all : this is if the partie be flush now , and would not haue his credit copparde with a scut●ey Counter . Another kinde of rest you haue which is called Shoopenny , that is , when you will be paide for euery stride you take : and if the Channell be dangerous and ruffe , you will not step ouer vnder a Noble : a very excellent Lurch to get vp the price of your legs , betweene Powles-chaine and Ludgate . But that which likes me beyond measure , is the villanous nature of that arrest which I may fitly tearme by the name of Cog-oulshder , when you clap a both sides like old Rowse in Cornewell , and receiue double Fée both from the Creditor and the Debter , swearing by the post of your office to shoulder-clap the party , the first time he lights vpon the Limetwigs of your liberty , when for a litle Vsurers Oyle , you allowe him day by day frée passage to walke by the wicked precinct of your Noses , and yet you will pimple your soules with oathes , till you make them as well fauoured as your faces , and sweare he neuer came within the verge of your eyelids : nay more , if the Creditor were present to sée him arrested on the one side , and the party you wot on , ouer the way at the other side , you haue such quaint shifts , prety hindrances , and most Lawyer-like delayes ere you will set forward , that in the meane time he may make himselfe away in some by Alley , or rush into the Bowells of some Tauerne , or drinking schoole ; or if neither , you will find talke with some Sharke-shift by the way , and giue him the markes of the partie , who will presently start before you , giue the D●bter Intelligence , and so a rotten Fig for the Catchpole . A most wittie , smooth , and damnable conueyance : many such running deuices breede in the Reynes of your offices : beside I leaue to speake of your vnmercifull dragging a Gentleman through Fleet-streete , to the vtter confusion of his white Feather , and the lamentable spattring of his Pearle colour 〈◊〉 Stockins , especially when some sixe of your balcke Dogges of Newgate are vppon him at once . Therefore sweete cousen Richard for you are the néerest kinsman I haue I giue and bequeath to you no more then you haue already , for you are so well gorged and stuft with that , that one spoonefull of villanie more , would ouer-lay your stomacke quite , and I feare me make you kicke vp all the rest . Item , I giue and bequeath to you Benedick Bottomlesse , most déepe Cut-purse , all the benefite of Pageant-dayes , great Market-dayes , Ballat-places , but especially the Sir Penny Roomes in Play-houses , to Cut , Diue , or Nim , with as much speede , Arte , and dexter●tie , as may be handled by hon●st Rogues of thy qualitie . Nay , you shall not sticke Benedick , to giue a shaue of your Office at Powles Crosse in the Sermon time : but thou holdst it a thing thou mayst doe by law , to cut a Purse in Westminster Hall. True , Beuedicke , if thou be sure the Lawe bée on that fide thou cutst it on . Item , I giue and bequeath to you , old Bias , Alias , Humfrey Hollow-banke , true cheating Bowler , and Lurcher , the one halfe of all false Bettes , Cunning Hookes , subtill Tyes , and Crosse-layes , that are ven●ured vpon the landing of your Bowle , and the safe arriuing al the Hauen of the Mistresse , if it chaunce to passe all the daungerous Rocks and Rubs of the Alley , and be not choackt in the sand , like a Merchants Ship , before it comes halfe way home , which is none of your fault ( you le say and sweare ) although in your owne turnde-conscience you know , that you threwe it abou● three yards short out of hand , vpon very set purpose . Moreouer , Humfrey , I giue you the lurching of all yong Nouices , Citizens sonnes , and Countrey Gentlemen , that are hookt in by the winning of one Twelue-penny Game at first , lost vppon policy , to bee cheated of Twelue pounds worth-a Bets afterward . And olde Bias , because thou art now and then smelt out for a Coosner , I would haue thee sometimes goe disguisde ( in honest apparell ) and so drawing in amongst Bunglers and kellers , vnder the plaine Freeze of simplicitie , thou mayst finely couch the wrought-veluet of Knauery . Item , I giue and bequeath to your Coosen German here , Francis Finger-false , Deputie of Di●inghouses , all cunning Lifts , Shifts , and Couches , that euer were , are , and shall be inuented , from this houre of a Leauen-clocke vpon blacke Munday , vntill it smite Twelue a clocke at Doomes-day : and this I knowe Francis , if you doe endoure to excell , as I know you doe , and will truely practize falsely , you may liue more gallanter farre vppon three Dice , then many of your foolish Heires about London , vppon thrice thrée hundred Apr●s . But ●urning my Legacie to you-ward , Barnaby Burning-glasse , strech Tabacco-taker of England , in Ordinaryes , vppon Stages both common and priuate , and lastly , in the Lodging of your Drabbe and Mistresse : I am not a little proud , I can tell you Barnaby , that you daunce after my Pipe so long : and for all Coun●erblasts and Tabacco-Nashes ( which some call Raylers ) you are not blowne away , nor your fierie thrist quencht with the small Penny-Ale of their contradictions , but still suck that dug of Damn●●ion , with a long nipple , still burning that rare Phaenix of Phlegiton Tabacco , that from her ashes burnt and knockt out , may ari●e another pipefull : Therefore I giue and bequeath vnto thée , a breath of all religions , saue the true one , and tasting of all countries , saue his owne : a brayne well footed , where the Muses hang vp in the smoake like red Herrings : and looke how the narrow all●y of thy pipe showes in the inside , so shall all the pipes through say body . Besides , I giue and bequeath to thy kings , as smooth as Iet , and iust of the same colour , that when thou art closed in thy graue , the wormes may be consumed with them , and take them for blacke Puddings . Lastly , not least , I giue and bequeath to thée Pierce-pennelesse , exceeding poore Scholler , that hath made cleane shooes in both Vniuersities , and bene a pittifull Batler all thy life time , full oftē heard with this lamentable cry at the Buttry-hatch Ho Lancelot , a Cewe of bread , and a Cewe of béere , neuer passing beyond the confines of a farthing , nor once monching commons , but onely vpon Gaudy dayes : To thee most miserable Pierce , or pierced through and through with miserie , I bequeath the tythe of all Vaulting Houses , the tenth ●eneere of each heigh passe come a loft : beside the playing in & out of all wenches at thy pleasure , which I know as thou maist vse it , wil be such a fluent pension , that thou shalt neuer haue néed to write Supplication againe . Now for the especiall tr●st and confidence I haue in both you , Mihell Mony God Vsurer , and Leonard Lauender Braker , or pawne-lender , I make you two my full Executors to the true disposing of all these my hellish intents , wealthy villanies , and most pernicions damnable Legacies . And now kinsmen and friends , winde about me , my breath begins to coole , and all my powers to 〈◊〉 se . And I can say no more to you Nephewes then I haue saide , only this , I leaue you all like Rats-bane so poyson the realme . And I pray , be all of you as arrant villain●s as you can be , and so farewel , be all hangde , and come downe to me as soone as you can . This saide , he departed to his mo●lton kingdome , the winde risse , the botto●e of the Chayre flew out , the Scriuener fell flat vpon his nose , and here is the end of a harmelesse Morrall . FINIS . Now Syr , what is your censure now ? you haue read me I am sure : am I blacke ynough thinke you , drest vp in a lasting suite of Incke ? Do I deserue my Darke and pitchy Tytle ? Sticke I close ynough to a villaines Ribs ? Is not Lucifer liberall to his Nephewes , in this his last Will and Testament ? Meethinkes I heare you say-nothing : and therefore I knowe you are pleasde and agree to all : for Qui tacit consentire videtur : And I allow you wise , and truly Iudicious , because you keepe your Censure to your selfe . FINIS .