A mastif vvhelp and other ruff-island-lik currs fetcht from amongst the Antipedes Which bite and barke at the fantasticall humorists and abusers of the time. Goddard, William, fl. 1615. 1616 Approx. 101 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 42 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2004-03 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A01793 STC 11928 ESTC S105740 99841466 99841466 6051 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A01793) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 6051) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 344:04) A mastif vvhelp and other ruff-island-lik currs fetcht from amongst the Antipedes Which bite and barke at the fantasticall humorists and abusers of the time. Goddard, William, fl. 1615. [84] p. By George Waters], and are to bee sould, where they are to be bought, Imprinted amongst the Antipides [i.e. Dordrecht : [1616?] Dedication signed: Willyam Goddard. Verse satire. With a title-page woodcut. The imprint is fictitious: printed 1616? by George Waters in Dordrecht (STC). Signatures: A-K⁴ L² . Reproduction of the original in the Henry E. Huntington Library and Art Gallery. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. 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Users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a TCP editor. The texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the TEI in Libraries guidelines. Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Satire, English. 2003-10 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-10 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-11 Emma (Leeson) Huber Sampled and proofread 2003-11 Emma (Leeson) Huber Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-12 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion A MASTIF WHELP with other ruff-Island-lik Currs fetcht from amongst the Antipedes . Which bite and barke at the fantasticall humorists and abusers of the time . In earnest I le but ieast Imprinted amongst the Antipedes , and are to bee sould , where they are to be bought . To my very loving Frends , GF . RN. WS. RG . IF . IG . Gentlemen of the Innee Temple . REnoewned flattcapps ( worthy sprighted men ) Accept ( but doo 't with thanks ) fruites of my penn Protect with tongues ( for tongues are lawyers helpes ) My toothles ( though much seeming-bitten ) whelpes Protect em wagges , and when their teeth growes longe They shall with teeth ' protect ech Lawyers tongue D●fend em waggs , and when I come from warr ( If you 'le stand for t ) * I le haue you cald too'th barr . Euer yours Willyam Goddard . TO THE READER . EXpect noe fine phrase from a Souldyers penn For ( Reader ) wee the bluntest are of men Our Elloquence wee vtter with our swordes Makinge our deedes to pollishe o're our wordes But yf thou likst a harshe vnpollisht vaine Why then reade or'e this infant of my braine It knowes not howe to fawne , it wantes his wittes To clawe the backe , like true-bredd parrasitts Its ' like ( as t is ) the Mastif whelpe which bites Those whom it plaies with , more then it delightes It is noe lewe to please a ladyes sight It barkes too loude , t' would wake hir in the night If thou affectst a right-bredd dogg forth ' Beare Then keepe this whelpe : this dogg such beastes will teare Or wouldst haue Raynard hunted to his denn ? Hee le hunt him too 't and fetch him out agenn Hee le seazs vppon the wolfe , ( soe bitten's hee ) Noe beaste this dogg will dread that he cann see Hee le hunt the hogg , and shalt not neede be feard , For hee le descrie eatche knaue with in thy yard If thou canst like a Curr which is soe ruff Then take thou this● he 'es full as feirce as tuff . W. G. The Mastiffe Whelpe . Satire 1. GOe Mastiff Whelpe disdenn thy selfe a while With sullen sport make thou thy maysters smyle : Be wanton : yet amidst thy best delight Not onelie barke , but make as yf thou dst bite Grynn , snarle , and on thy best freind look soe grym As yf thou dst at one snapp devouer him . Satire 2. THou penn of myne doe not with myld-calme rymes ▪ Sooth-vp th' abuses of these barbrous tymes But like a Lyon come thou ruf and feirce And with black boy strous stormes these men-beastes peirce Let thy ruff galles be such as make them searche , Aud scudd to find a safe place where to pearche Blaste-black theire hues who 'gainst gods sacred dyetie Has belcht the pitch-black-blazes of Impyetie Dread not the greatst : th art licenst penn to doo 't But yf he open lies , I chardge the shoot , Spare not to saie there 's noe such villanie As is Deathe-staringe-cruell tyrannye Scorne thou the troubled ensignes of pale feare Doo 't souldyer-like with bold and liuelie cheere Whith bussinge whispers flye-blowe not the eare But what thou dost , with boldnes let , tappeare Goe boldlie penn , goe bluntlie guie th'asault And lashe eache man accordinge to his fault . Satire 3. GAllants you wil be Dyinge this Christemas I le Praie that eyther of you well maie passe I praie nowe perdon me , for this doubt I That some of you at this time Ill will die And then my noble waggs ( excuse me hoe ) There is a thinge calls on you , West-ward hoe ? Dye well ( madd waggs ) and here I will presadge To gold ( yf feynds barr not ) you l haue passadge . Satire 4. SOlus the student takes on him such state That sure the gallants Lordefyd ' of late My Goldsmith is quoth he the best i' th towne And none could Shr●dd my Taylor ere putt downe Push , push quoth hee , looke on my rapy'rs guylt None like my Cutler fashons out a hilt Yf others talk of Barbers , he'ele crie tutt Awaie t' is myne that has the exlentst cutt What doe I prate ? he maie vse this word my For sure the wayte on him which watchfull eye But shall I tell you howe ? and cease to iest Oh! t' is with Seriannts Solus to arest . Satire 5. NOwe fpitefull Fortune doe the worste you can Yet Iack will rise to be a gentleman Did not Iacks Lord leane on his shoulders late Chock him on the chynn , stroake him on the pate Lendinge Iack smyles when Iack speakes but a word Ah here be hopefull greaces from a Lord Who er'es a wynner , yet if Iack haue th●se I cannot see howe Iack cann rise and leese Satire 6. SVrveyinge Summus scornes to tell a lie Yet hee cann number all the starrs i th skie Hee 'le tell howe manie gras-blades growes i th landes Hee le justlie number all the ocean sandes Howe manie howres t' is since the world begann He reckon cann : and counte the moates i th sunn These by his Arte cann he doe exlent well Yet in 's owne purse he nere could twelue pence tell . Satire 7. A Stromus , euerye night on 's back dus lie Surveying of eache thinge i th starrye skie He gazeth on the Beare , and Charles his waine On all Celestiall signes that fore tells raigne He'el tell you when th'clipse shal be i th Sunn This yeare he'ele tell what next yeare shal be done Yet for his life he cannot tell before The certen times , when 's wife means plaie the — Satire 8. WIll Lestas loue his booke ? I fayth Sir noe , Hee le be more constanter I hope then soe Has not he vowd ' his thoughts too'th good ale pot● ? He knowes inconstancie in loue 's a blott What 's in a booke to yeild delight to man ? Iust naught to that which is i th ale-howse cann The Cann has that which whetts the dulled witt But books holdes naught but that which dulleth it Lestas , be wise , and lie close to thy loue Though freindes doe babble , doe not thou remoue . Satire 9. THou Fernydus , awaie thou wicked man I scorne to write on thee although I cann Scudd silver-scraper : ritch wretch , hence , awaie Thou owst thy gutts a debt , that debt goe paie , Goe cloath thy back , it s more then halfe vnstript Its nowe , just as i● were , when thou wert whipt Goe broane-bread-eater , think that this my penn Much scornes to write on water drynkinge men . Satire 10. ASke who they be ? demaund not that of me Nor I , nor none ( I thinke ) knowes who they be To daie thei le Divells be , but next daie then They 'le neyther Divells be nor Earthlie men An other daie they le Kinges vnto you seeme The next daie ( happ'lye ) you 'l them beggers deeme No● shape , nor forme , they euer longe contayne Lest be the fooles , but that they still mayntayne If they nor apes , nor fooles , nor Players bee Then who they are I cannot aunswere yee . Satire 11. COtts pluttronells hir was appused bee Hir was a shent leman all worl was see Was not hir father effer wheare coot freez ? And effer trink coot trynk ? was tost coot sheeze Was not hee make hir create pigg foe to yeyld Kild a create deale a shyaunts in te feyld Hir was a shentleman , all worl was see Pye Cott , and pluttronells was wronged be . Satire 12. PRatus ; thou art a Busie-bodie growne ●oo talkatiue ' Pon matters not thy owne What though the Spanyard , Pope , and Divell plotts ? Let em Pratus : they doe not deale with Sotts The States are wise , they cann see fire in smother It is not sects cann part the tone from tother They 'l hold in peace : t' is not their publick foe Shall take t'h advantadge of a partinge blowe And therefore man , of thy owne busnes prate They 'le hold theire freind which helpes them hold theire state . Goe busie-body'd foolish-pratinge mome Busie thy bodie , on thy wife at home : Gett her with child : it 's high time shee had one Ioynd thirtye yeares ? it is a shame t hast none Let states alone : thou needst ' not them to teache They arc to wise to make they re foes a breache Satire . 14 COmfort thy selfe old Mops , & doe not weepe What need'st thou woman such a whyning keepe ? Thy sonn 's as well as anie man i th' lande , Why all he did , was bidd a man but stande , And told him coyne he lackt ; there 's those doe worse , Then bidd an honest man deliver's purse . He spake him faire , and tooke but what hee had , Then what need'st ' weepe old girle ? what art thou madd ? Come : cheere vp Lasse , for 't is a gen'rall thing , That youth ( doe what thou canst ) will haue their swinge . Satire . 15. Quoth hom-bred Hodge wudd god aboue c'had put Will t'zchoole C'hadd la're than a groate , c'had larnt him but his Zaltar C'hadd than done well enough , c'hadd nee'r been beg'd a Voole By maz-la , c'hadd made vmall vurst joockt a halter , C'has eyes , c'has eares , chas lipps , & yet c'his begd a voole Vath c'ham in vault my zelfe , c'hud ne're put boye t'zchoole . Maz wiue Zibb-la , watt ze'st ? c'hill to the Court my zelfe , C'hill trye t'an begg the boye ; it 's but a zaying nay , C'hill spend vort-shillinges & more a pelfe But c'hill ha my zonn William vrom vm all away . But ear'ste tou me Zibb ? ecche veare me this will come to passe , Now th●y ha' gott my Voole , thay'le come & begg my Asse . Satire . 16. CAptayue Turne-hir-vpp hath not Idle beene , Hott was the seruice he of late hath seene , Lowe-countreye service affords great daunger Soe he reportes ; but greatest to a straunger , Yet this he saies , if one may but beleeue him The pay's soe good , smale woundes would neuer greeue him . To his great detryment he loste a joynte , But Iudge where t was : oh ! hard at 's Codpeece poynte ( To his praise I speake it ) yet heed ' not out , But there tooke a bigger [ aie ] as he fought : For which ( braue man ) hee 's fayne to keepe his bedd And 's banckropt turn'd of all the haire on 's head , Oh! how he banns the wounding whir igig , For causing him to weare this perrywigg , Nay neuer begger hath ever curst the stocks , As Captayne Turne-hir-vp hath done the — Satire 17. I Graunt it ( Cosmus ) that fond loue is blinde , And incident ( almost ) to all mankinde , Yet Cosmus though mens seeing sence dus fayle them , Their smelling sence ( mee thinkes ) should much avayle them . Oh! crye you mercie sir , your Loue 's a Rose , And therefore cannot chuse but please your nose : Praye God shee dus ; but faith I doubt it much , I feare me Coss , shee has a poulcats tutch , Naye that 's not all : I feare shee has such trickes As still hir stalke will allwaies haue some prickes . Cutt off those prickes ; then Cosmus pre'thee tell . Whether thy Rose yeildes not a better smell , Satire . 18 RAlus why did'st thou hoyst and beare thy sayles soe high ? That none expected but thou'dst sayle into the skye ? Did'st think that Eolus would ever prooue soe kinde ? As never jogg thy barke with one ruff blast of winde : I know thou did'st ; but now poore Ralus thou maiest see How safe's the shrubb , ouer the lofty-towring tree , Com lett this passe : now Ralus thinke but what thou art , And quite forgett ( as wisdome biddesthee ) what thou wert , It is noe matter man what ever thou hast beene , Thinke this ! the Owle's not wondred at vntill hee 's seene . Satire 27. GAllenus thou of late art growne of wondrous fame , But Gallen ; prythee tell me how thou cam'st byth'same . Reporte dus p●are , tha 'st twenty patients in one daie , And sometimes manie more ; soe prating fame dus say , Yet aske him who they are that comes soe faste to thee , His answer is , that femall creatures all they bee . Faith Doctor it is well , thy study is to please The Femall sex , and how their corp'rall griefes to ease But hark : you had a patient named D●ll I 'me sure , Vppon whose body you did doe a famous cure . Indeed ( good Gallen ) shee a right true patient were You know shee putt vp much , and very much did beare . I praie , may but a man without authority Demaund what is become of this same Dorithie ? Oh! shee 's gone to purge , for late shee tooke a glister : Faithe Doctor you did Ill , you might haue done but kist-her . A pestlence on 't , that you would giue soe deepe a touch And hauing skill , would ouer-shoot the marke so much . Satire 20. THou sai●st Dematas Poets heades are vaine , And to smale purpose they doe take great paine : Noe Dematas ; vaine thy Father was , or madd To scrape much wealthe for an vnthrifty Ladd . Thou art not vaine to spende in brav'rie , All what thy old Dadd gott by poling knau'rie . This is not vaine : nor is it vaine to pyne Thy struncke-vp gutts , to trimme thy wif●●p fine No● Dematas ; nor t' is not vaine to wrack Tenaunts : loading ( with Lordshipps ) thy wiues back , These are not vaine ; but he which beates his braine To picture out men vaine : why , hee is vaine . Satire 21. NIck's deepely learnd , hee 's skild ' in palmestrie , Hee 'le make yong Girles beleeue he is a God , And with his chaunting arte of Minstrelsie , Hee 'le make the litle waggtayles finely nodd , Oh! hee 's most rare to fore-tell destenies , Or by his phisnomie to know a knaue , His sable carradge fitts sadd obsequies , His skilfull tricks a conny-catching slaue . Yet all these artes did not soe much befrend him As once foretell that Tiborne Tree should end him . Satire 22. NOll has the skill to winn and woe a wife , Then why should Noll ( praie ) lead a single life ? He followe plowe ? faith sir he scorns it plaine Why Ladies faire will not Noll's suite disdaine . Let but his wench intreate him to sitt downe , Hee will not straight waies doe it like a Clowne But off witch's hatt , make 's legg , & answere naie , With I 'me as well , forsooth , I thanke you saie Naie , Noll ●n's courting , none comes nie him , They all may learne ; push , they must goe by him : Haue they the hart to sitt by Mistrisse Fraunces ? He has ; naie more : hee 'le pinck with pretty glaunces , The 'ile blurt forth this ; thei 'le sweare they doe affect hir , And from greate perrills the 'ile still protect hir , Faugh , faugh : ti 's stale ; ti 's nothing like to his , Noll's bold-spirit wil serue to giue akisse , And some times Noll will make his long discourse Of any thing ; I , of an olde brood-goose , Or of his mothers henn with ' copple crowne , Oh! quoth Noll . non laies such egges in all the Towne . And then hee vp & tells how shee 's ath ' kinde Such a henn quoth Noll , ( oh ) ! 't is rare to finde . And when to walke dispos'd is mestresse Frauncis , Before hir like a fore-horse Nolkin praunces . Cann Courtyers saie this is a goodly weather ? Awaie plaine witts , they cann but tosse a feather . Cann Courtyers sighing by their Looues , thus saie ? This Raine ( alack ) is to to badd for hay , Or thrice in one houre aske them what 's a clock ? Fie , their witts to his are dull ; I , meere a block . Yet theise from witty Noll extem'pre comes , Come come , to Noll all Courtyers are meere momes . Satire 23. HOw ? Iames a man ? his Rapire is not guilt , Hee fight ? I , when his dublett's wrought with quilt , Hang him slaue , hee cannot call a whore a whore , Nor with a grace breake vp a sinners doore , Hee 'l saie Mall , I praie Mall let me kisseyee , Or Mistresse Marye thinke how well I wishe yee , Else hold hir by the hande & sigh apace , Or like th'astronomer hee le stand & gaze , Gaping for changes in his Maryes face . Come hang him doult , by th ' Lord hee 's but a gull , For witt I neuer knewe an Asse more dull . Satire 24. THe Rule 's not false that 's held in learn'd Philosophie , How all th' fowre ellements together dus abide : Experienc't Colcus dus the same now Iustifie , Alas alas , too late the'xperience he hath tried , For as he sayl'd along the Midd'terranian gulfe , Which lies right over Besses equenoxtiall line ( Aye ) there he met with such a hott & firie wulfe That has consumed quite poore Colcus friggott fine , Before that Colcus this experience had well tried , To heare this argument could Colcus ne're abide . Satire 25. WHerein dus Ouids Eccho that sweete am'rous Nimph ; Excell the Ladie Delphis our most heau'nly Imph ? As Ouids nimph would still Narcissus last words vse , Like soe dus Delphis hir sweet Pomus woords peruse : Let Pomus saie sweet Dilphis can'st thou loue quoth hee ? Then ( Eccho-like ) shee takes the last word [ loue ] quoth shee , Thy tempting-cherry-lipps sweet Delphis I will kisse Quoth Delphis [ kisse ] : soe sild ' the last word would shee mis , My seggs between thy snowy thighs will I entwind ▪ Quoth shee [ ●ntwind ] thus loue with ' last words dus shee binde . I 'le doe as litle Cupid bidds his Champions doe , Quoth Delphis [ doe , ] still vnto Pomus answering soe Vntill by Pomus shee had paied hir maydens debt , His last word & hir first still often-times thus mett . Satire 26. FEene Mistris Pucis with hir sharpe-redd-coul'red nose One hair-bredth of hir heigth the fixon will not loose , Shee trotts so short , shee 'le reach a horse his perfect'st pace , I , and a wrie-mouth'd Ape to make an Antike face , Hir flippaunt tongue would make a most sence-pleasing sound , Did not hir wyndy-●●ppertaile the musick dround . Satire 27. WHat 's a gull , that Iack of gull'●ye is accus'd ? My hart 's enflam'd to heare how Iack's abus'd , Is hee a gull that ne're wil bee at stand To-paye these Tailors all their whole demaund ? Is hee a gull which bouzeth night by night With 's betters ? scorning they should paye a mite Or is hee one that letts a Shorditch wench The goul den entrailes of his purse to drench ? These bee noe gulls I 'me sure : but if they bee ? Then Iack's a gull : For such a one is hee . Satire 28. PAule liues by 's witts , hee 'le sweare there 's noe such meat , Yet sometimes bread ( with hart ) poore Pawle would eate . Pawles witty dyet has made his bodie fine , And that 's the cause in Powles , Pawle oft doth dyne . Where Pawle in lieue of 's dinners great expence , Oft diues a hose & pickes out Peters-pence . Satire . 29. HAng Tom : what hee ? hee 's but a foole to mee For tricks , you all may learne come , I 'le teach thee . Tom dares not looke an Emp'rour in the face : Hang puling Apes ; he wants a manly grace . Why Tom will blush , if once hee tell a lie : Hee has no skill i th' world● to cogg a die . Tom's witt 's most blockish ; faugh , 't is too too course , I 'le wadg my life the gull ne're yet stole horse , Noe nor soe much ( I thinke ) as e're tooke purse , He thy Tutor ? thou canst not chuse a worse . Hee 'le teach the this to groape a wenches plackett , Hang him Cowe , hee dares not diue a pockett , Or milke-sop-like to lead a wench the haie , Base-harted-babe he dares not make afraie . Forsake him Nedd : thou shalt my scholler ●ee , I 'le learne thee Arte my Rogue ; be rul'd by mee . Satire 30. CLow●●● of late a Compleate Knight ●as made , Dares anie saie , his Sire got's wealth by th ' spade ? Hee 'le kill em then ; for knowe you hee 's a knight , And all made soe ; are desp'rate men to fight . What e're his Father was , i 'me sure of it , He left his sonn ( by farre ) more wealth then witt . And wealth ( I hope ) a gentle-man du● make . And hee that 's soe ; a knight hoods rite may take , Satire 31. LArsus toth ' Sunn his Mistresse doth compare , In deede in bewty shee is somewhat rare , And saies from hir hee has his light & life , He may be proud that has soe light a wife . Yet La●sus pre thee be not wrath with mee , For rather like the Moone ( me thinkes ) is shee . She'xchangeth oft ( I speake it in noe scorne ) As thou hast light from hir , soe th' ast the horne . Satire 32. STeltus ? Fallatus makes good vse of thee : Thou art his looking-glasse : be rul'd me , Thy looking-glasse ( Stelltus ) make thou of him , Then both of you will drest be neate and trimm . Looking on thee : ( and further 't will his marriadge ) He prunes out pride , & foole-bredd stately carriadge . And shaues f●om's lipps ( a thing betokening witt ) The sta●ring haires of a bould parrasitt , Now looke in him , & thou shalt see it plaine , That dronkennesse is one ath ' foulest staine . And see in him how haggedly & leane , A man is made which vseth much a queane . Looke in him man ; for this beleeu 't that he Has bettr'd bene by looking into thee . Satire 33. WAtt me thinkes of all men thou should'st ' stench desire , Since fooles ( as wise-men saies ) can quickliest quench loues fire Why could●st not begg or steale from Green on dramm of witt ? And soe by blurd-endashed lynes haue sent hir it . Thou might'st er'e this have revel'd in luxurious game , If soe tha'dst done & quencht thereby loues burningst flame . But harke thee Wart ? He speakes toth ' winde , that learnes a foole : I●le bee noe Tutor , where such dunces comes toth ' schoole . Satire 34. YEt Watt I ought not leaue thee thus since I doe know From whence the streaming flouds of these thy passions flowe , Me thinkes I ought t' applie some pill to thy disease , Therefore here be simples , compound them if you please ; First gett a pound of Witt , of Couradge , twice as much , These are excelent simples , I knowe not any such , Then take of Place and Tune , of each two handfull more , Seeke out for Oportunytie , in gardens there be store , Of that one handfull take ; which done , these simples pound , And thou shalt see , thy burning heate they will confound . But harke thee Watt , If these receipts doe add noe hope , Then ( doe as olde Diogines bidds ) that's take a roape . Satire 34. LAcritus , thy hart 's straite fraught with Iealousie , If on thy wife , a man but glaunce his eie . Thou Fermidus , if one but kisse thy dame , Ath ' back of hir , thy wand is straight forth same . Fie , fie , howe bitter would be eithers life , If you should take , as Wittus tooke his wife , You 'd hardly laugh and smile vppon the man , And aske ; has not he over-heat thee Nan ? Consider : Wiues can doe noe better deede . Then helpe their husbandes frendes at pussh of neede . Satire 35. LAminus , often times t' hast asked mee , Why Lambas hanged was ? praie answer'd bee , His neck was short ; and had thy head a reatch , thou 'dst soone conceiue he hang'd but 's necke to streach . Why foole was thyne ( as hissen was ) too shorte ? Noe trick to lengthen it , but hanging for 't . Satire 36. QVestion Don Lingus but of forraine states , And you shall see how formally hee prates : Straite heel 'e vp , & tell , how he hath seene , That stout & famouse Amazonian Queene . Vowing it is the onely worthi'st sight , To see the order of th' Amazons fight , Then forewardes still hee 'le talke of Prester Iohn , Commending him for a most worthy man , Protesting that , soe soone hee came on Land , Hee had that gallant warriour by the hand . Pussh , pussh ( quoth hee , ) this barren Europa Is nothing like to Aethiopia , And then he shakes his head , ( sighing most deepe ) Oh! ( quoth hee ) why did not I my selfe there keepe ? Which done ; his Audience straight'ginnes to applaud him . And though an Asse , yet like a God they laude him . Yet question him but out ath ' English stile , You 'le finde the Goose ne're crost has Natiue I le , Satire 37. PRince Pluto king ath ' stincking stigian Lake , Finding himself not well , his will would make , In which , this wealthy & all-worthy man , In that his Will , to this effect begann . Quoth he ; Imprimis here I doe decree , That Pride my first-borne sonne a Courtier bee . Enjoyning Enuie and Ambition still ( As yonger brothers should t' attende his will. But as for Sloath and Avarice ( quoth hee ) Those will I haue in learning brought-vp bee . Where Gluttonie my yongest sonn of all , Shall waite one them , attentive at their call . But now my daughter Luste , then shakes his head , Oh! hir I 'de faine see place't ere I were dead . Hir , hir ( quoth hee ) , if I could but bestowe , Then I 'de not care how soone I went below . Courtiers are bad : Towns-men are often naught , And Contrey-men ( quoth he ) are most vntaught . Therefore on these shee 's plainly cast awaye : Oh! my deare Luste ( quoth he , ) what shall I saie ? Why faith ( quoth he , ) 'fore shalt be quite vndone , I 'le see thee made my selfe an honest Nunn Soe putting hir 'mongst holly Nunnes to dwell , His body dies , and 's soule departs to hell . Satire . 38. I Tell thee Tom , thou art too plaine a Ladd I ; too too grosse ; a hom-bredd Contrey Swadd . I tell thee man , thy witt , that witt of thyne Is muddie , thick , 't is nothing nimbly-fine . With whomsoeuer thou dost chaunce to walke , All 's one to thee ; of corne or land 's thy talke , Or of the Cows ; else of thy flock of sheepe , With such like stuffe , a tedious coyle thou 't keepe . Awaie plaine foole : think'st Souldiers doe delight In such discourse ? thou art deceiued quite , Or think'st it pleasing to a schollers taste ? If thou think'st soe ? a wrong conceipt thou hast , And if thou thinkst a Courtier it will please , Perswade thy selfe , to him 't is much disease . Dust ' heare me Tom ? I tell thee th' art too Plaine : Why man ? a nimble Witt fitts euerie vaine : Tooth'Souldier I 'de be vp with barracados , Raising counter-mures , breaking Pallazados . Tooth ' Scholler I 'de vse naught but Rethorick , I de vp with Sophistrie , or ellse with Logick . As for the Courtier ; pussh , I 'de mak's mouth watter I would on 's Mistresse talke ; with him I 'de flatter . Of Courtshipp wholly all my talke should savour , As tell him how he might attaine t'ir favour . Thus Thomas all their humors I would fitt , But what talke I to one which wanteth Witt. Satire 39. RElcus , thy hart 's an Inn , wherein men say Lies witt ; ( that most right-worthy guest alwaie ) But honestie were vs'd to lodge with Witt ; Canst ' tell me Relcus why he doth not it ? One Inn , one boord , one bedd , did once containe Those famouse , Radiant & bright-shining twaine , But now ; Oh now ! much I muse & wonder , What cause they haue to put them selues assunder . It 's rare to see them two , together walke , But farre more rare it is , to see them talke . Faith Relcus do a charitable deede , Releiue poore Honestie in time on 's neede , And Witt and hee together revnite , Bith'deede much maiest thou merrit by this light . Relodg them Relcus , bigg enough's thy harte , And in 't thou 't shewe a wise and charitable parte . Satire 40. BVlus to haue his Taff'tie Ierkin seene , Hath learnt a trick ath ' Butchers Arte , I weene , For as the Butcher having open cutt , His bullocks paunch ; dus side from side straight putt . His reason why each side hee setts a parte , Is , cause men should see th'fatt about the harte● Ev'n just as these beast-slaying butchers doth , So right this gallant ( ali - Asse butcher ) doth . For on each side on 's cloake , each hand he laies , By which fine sleight he beares it back alwaies . So by that meanes ( maugre his mantles spight ) His sattin sleeues and Ierkin shall haue light . i th' butchers Arte , he has learn't more then halfe . And can ( you see ) dresse & sett forth a Calfe . Satire 41. A Right good-fellow by his purse is knowen , For sildom it will hould a doit on 's owne . This Pratus I doe know : and more ; I t●owe , I haue one rule an honest man to knowe , For when I heare men let their judgements loose , Of any whom they tearme for some plaine goose . True honestie ( I thinke ) in him there lies , For plaines Iudg'd is fool'rie by th ' vnwise . But Pratus , now one rule more would I know , And that same trick I 'me wisht to get from you . That 's onely this ; Sir , how to know a knaue , That kindenes at your handes ; praie let me haue . Satire 42. WHen Souldus thinkes ath ' Time , how him it failes , He then ( alas poore-man ) at Mars straight railes , Milke-sopp ( quoth he ) from Venus come advaunce And in hir steede , come lead vs men a daunce : Art'not asham'd to be soe weake i th' joynt ? As to be held by hir by th' Cod-peice-poynt . Come , come ; let Can●ons to our Meales saie grace , Lett bulletts sing to vs the Cinquepace . Wee long to daunce : and once the ●ime were when , Thou lou'dst the bullet-banquet with vs men . In such like juncquets once thou did'st delight , Those were the Cates best pleas'd thy appetite . Come , come , foresake thy w●nton Minyon trimm . But Vulcan bring , since thou hast head-peec't him . Satire 43. RAlf saies that Robin has no manlike face , Nor cannot swashe it with the swagg●ingst grace : Hee is an Asse , a verye Asse hee saith , A pidler in his oathes ; he 'le sweare y-faith , Or elles In-troth , In-de●d , Insooth , or soe , A right pure dunce , that cann saie I , or noe , I 'le teach him that in one halfe daie he shall Sweare ev'rie oath with grace Emperiall . What I ( quoth hee ? ) let anie doe me wrong , Thus I 'le shew vigor with my spright-full tongue I 'le vowe by Styxes pitch-black hidious streames , By all the radiant raies of yon'same beames , By Ioue who makes Earthes Canapie to quake , Or by the ruler of the stidgian lake , That I will kill him ; slashe him ; hewe the knaue . Or Peece-meale cutt him , to devoure the slaue . I will not saye . Indeed-la sir I 'le doo 't What I ? by Ioue I will putt home vntoo 't . Satire 44. ALL saies that Dulcus all in 's booke delights , But all those alles are all deceiued quite . For 's Eare ( but that indeed 's but parte of him ) To heare ( oh ! how it goes toth ' harte of him ) His smooth tongue prate : reioyceth in such measure , As noe mans Eare ( by 's tongue ) e're reap't like pleasiure . Oh God! if you did heare the great delight His Eare dus heare , you would be ravisht quite . For 's Tongue too 's Eare convaies such wordes refin'd , As'tis not straunge hee 's ravisht in his minde . Satire 45. GOrgus a good minde beares , in this 't is seene , For looke what things ate naught , & baddest beene . Gorgus , to make them good doth striue amaine , And in this worke doth take noe litle paine , The wicked'st lie by baddest tongue er'e fordg'd , ( I ; were it by Hells-Maister's self disgordg'd ) Gorgus ; ( though ne'r soe badd ) will make it good , I , and maintaine it ; to a dropp of bloud . A good mind Gorgus , to make things good of Euell , Why 't is a worke contrarie to the Divell . Satire 46. BEntus , did you lie sucking at the Ale , You 'd not looke white , leane , waper-eide , & pale . You haue been sicke : your vrine ( if you please ) I 'le truly cast , & tell you your disease . You were not smaid ' at Fontus late downefall , Noe ; to your harte that was right cordiall . It Pleased you that Courtus in 's sute was crost , And that Marchantus his ritch shipp late loste . Those put you on soe blith a merrie pinn . That you from hartie laughing could not linn . It was not these , made you loke hagged white ; No blear-ey'd Benttus ; here 's the wicked spight . Lately was Virtus for his virtues grac'd , And on bright honours seat for 's Vertues plac'd . T' was this , thy freindes advaunc'ment bredd thy smart , This was the shaft , that prickt thy cank'red hart . Bentus , th' art sicke : thy palenes shewes thy Evill , The sor's much doubtfull , which is hurt by th' Devill . Satire 47. THy hart 's enflamed Ardus with this fire , Of clambring man : faine would'dst thou clamber higher Yet Ardus , Ardus , obserue but well the Tyme , And thou shalt finde , thou tak'st wrong waies to clime . 'T is not the deedes of Armes , thou do'st repeate , Can make thee mount one Inch to honours seate . Nor will the conquering Townes helpe thee one whitt , Recount thou these , these throws thee down from it . Can'st flatter man ? well learne thou but that lepp , Then thou shalt quickly gaine the foremost stepp . Then for the second round , learne Pandrisme , And thou shalt gett it straight I warrant thee . Now for the round , that toucherh honours neast , This round lies high ; more daung'rous then the rest : Ardus , thou must a Pollititian bee , Skillfull to plott , & pack deepe trecherie . Learne these , ( onely take heede of Envies Eye , Then shalt thou easly mount , & clamber high . Satire 48 ▪ VVErt not for subjects , Kings vnkingly were , For they be they , which propps the kingly chaire . And were it soe , that subjects were awaie , The Poetts poetrie would straight decaie , As th' one by subje&s has his Temples crown'd , Soe tother by good subjects is renown'd . Since both their states by subjects be vp-held , That both are Kinges it cannot be repell'd . They both bee Kinges : But th' Poetts Realme I finde , Restes in the Climar of a firtle minde . A minde content , falls to their kingdomes share . Yet like my Argument most Poetts are That 's verie weake , and most exceeding bare . Satire 49. VVHen Scoggin liu'd , I thinke in those same daies , Men did not well knowe how , nor whom to praise Because ( forsooth ) a fatt sowse taile he greas'd T' applaud his witt , those wittles Graunsires pleas'd , But harke ye ; say they were but living nowe , ( wich did soe praise the greasing of one sowe ) How would they praise ( naie they 'd doe more then praise ) The fatt-g●es'd-tailes , soe daub'd in these our daies . It is not onely Sowes that greased bee , But Hogges ( a thousand in one daie ) grease wee And grease wee still ▪ for greasing of that parte Adds fatt to fatt , and then it 's fitt to — Satire 50. VVHy Tom quoth Tharsus th' art deceiued quite , I still continewe Courtier by this light Thou look'dst I should haue cal'd : Sir , doe yee heare ? Wil 't please you taste ( e're goe ) a cupp of beare ? Awaie , awaie : why harke thee noble Theefe , I 'me none of those which feedes on poudred beefe . Nor none of those that keepes a standing house : Awaie with Gulls : come ; thee & I 'le carrowse : Wee 'le swallow healthes ; not of your fulsome beare T'shallbe noe Earthly stuff ; but stuff to nectar near : Come Tom with Heauenly stuff thy mawe I 'le feede With that stuffes Quintessence which still dus breede . In man's lowe brest : high thoughts which still aspire , And vpwardes mount , as Heauens vp-mounting fire . A Pox on't Tom , I thus dull humours choake , And thus confound them with a Pipe of smoake . Haue at thee Tom , Tobaccoe's harte of Oake . Satire . 51. ONe of the Nation of that sprightfull Frenche . Tooke armes to joyne in battell with a wench : Well fell hee on ; and soe well dealt each blowe As at the firste he gaue an overthrow , But fewe there was , which did behoulde that sight , But Iudg'd the wench would haue the worst ath ' fight : Yet shee in warrs Arte verie pollitick , Compells hir forces stand : by which same trick , ( Charging againe with all ; ( who at it would not scoff ? Againe shee ( with a Pox ) makes him fall off . His seccoud : ( a Nation which shall nameles be ) Fell well on too ; but cam not off Scott-free , Yet as the French , at firste encount'red well ; But to retrait ( Pox on 't ) at laste he fell . Alas the firste soe flesht hir , as that he , Shee 'd ne're eudure , to come off quite Scott-free . Satire . 51. THe pampred Horse at Mares ne're neigheth more , Theu Lustus at all times doth at a — And as the lustfull Stallion striues to be With ev'rie beast ( of 's kinde ) his Eye doth see . Soe likewise Lustus doth : but Lord t is strange , That man should out of reasons boundes soe raunge . The Horse is yong , and full of strength his vaines , A beaste : hee has noe reason to guide's raines . But hee 's a man ( hee should be soe at leaste ) ( And rul'd with reason , deff'rent from a beaste ) An aged man , a man gray-hair'd & olde . Whose withered-shrinkimg Vaines must needes be colde , Whose partched bodie 's from all moisture drie ; Yet sildom times he sees a Wench passe by , But hee with ( badd intent ) goe to hir must , To quench ( what should hee quench ? ) a diuelsh Lust. Oh beastelie man : the beastli'st beast wee finde , ( If quencht in Corpes ) ne're thirsteth in his minde . Satire 53. KAmatus being sicke through too much drincke , That hee should die the holie man did thinke . And being more then halfe resolu'd to die , This Epitaph he fram'd as hee did lie : KAmatus , once a Pearle in each girles Eie , Now mortiefi'd , here dus that worthie Lie. Of louing Parents first I tooke my name But now to Children I will leaue the same Of s●ymie Earth this flesh first tooke his frame , It now retornes to Earth , from whence it came As for my soule ( Oh ) she in great delight , In post to Heauen ( with Ioye ) shee makes hir flight : This framed once , then downe againe hee lies , And turnes about , makeing as though he dies , With 's Eyes close shutt , a while he faste dus winke When op'ning them cries whores ; fill me more drinke . Satire 54. YOu Cryttiekes , which inuectiuely do write , To you whose pennes soe bitterly doe bite , To yon I speake ; of you I aske but why You how rely doe great Lordings soe belie ? You prate how Lordes vn-mann'd are in this age , You saie't is well if they haue but a page . Come prating Parretts let your tatlings cease , And let but this susfice to make you peace . Doe not they Woemen keepe ? which eu'rie yeare More costly are then e're old blew-coates were : For euery man their Graundsires kept before . These keepe three woemen for 't , or rather more . Contrariewise ; 't was neuer seene i th' Land , ( As now they are ) the woemen halfe soe man'd . Recount but these , you lauish writers large , And you shall finde they are at treble charge , Satire 55. THere is noe Land vppon Earthes Center knowen , Like th' English soyle , soe wond'tous wealthy growne . That Ieuwell , which all Nations holdes soe deare , Wee treade in durt ; not caring for it here . Why what 's Plaine dealing ? some this Iem●n dus h●ld , A Ieuwell farr in prise surpassing gold . But wee ( it seemes ) o'rcloyd with it of late . Hold , and esteeme it at a straunge lowe rate . Soe lowe a rate : that 't is fetcht from 's soe fast , As , much I feare , all wil●e fetcht at at laste . Satire 56. VErbositus at wordes from Latine caru'd Dus snatch , as if his wittes were hunger-staru'd : And well hee dus ; for faith soe leane 't is growne , That from Annotomie 't is hardly knowne . It is soe weake , as ( truelie ) I protest , Fine phrase retoricall't will not disgest . Harke Would by-wise ? by good wordes all appli'd , The Asse to be a foole by 's owne tongue 's tri'd , Then if th' art wise , thy tongue hath thee beli'd , Satire 57. A Waie with him quoth gold-daub'd Thamaccus , His speechles silence shewes he is an Asse , A Dunce you see , that knowes not how to looke , Some braine-beater or porrer on a booke . Tell him ath ' mounting Faulcons braue made flight , Or what mouth'd hound makes huntsmen best delight . Discourse to him of which Dogg made a faulte , How Thunder spent , or what made Tyndall hault , Awaie , awaie : awaie with senceles blockes , Farr better 't is to tell it vnto stockes . Thus sh'wes Sir Gold-cold-witted Asse his skill , And floutes the Poore-ritch-minded scholler still , Satire 58. BEfore I marrie'd was to my fayre wife , Oh Lord ! how solitarie was my life : But nowe to be pertaker of my sporte , Gallants to my house ( as to a Courte ) resorte : One cause he would acquinte himselfe with mee . Takes his occasion my fine Nagg to see , Another comes to heare my Kennells crie , The thirde perhapps to see my Fawlcon flye . Oh! who would not gett apreettie wenche too 's wife , That hates to leade a sollitarie life . Satire 59. PVsa is gott with childe , Sam ▪ doe not flatter ; But speake ; had'st not a finger in the matter : It was Ill hand'led Samwell ; for in truth , The wench saies none but Samwell is the youth , Pox on 't Sam ; Cradles forth ' childe to sleepe , With Candles , Soape , & Wasshing , will grow deepe . Besides all this ( but this is to thy grace ) In white-sheet thou must waite a Sermons space . Faith Sam , what luck had'st thou soe well to speede ? As to be graced for thy Maisters deede . Satire 60. WHen Dick for want of druncken mates growes sicke , Then with himself to worke goes faithfull Dick. The butt'rie dore t'ymselfe he shutteth close , That done , then goes the pott straight waies to 's nose : A health ( quoth noble Dick : each Hogshead than , Must seeming pledge this honest faithfull man. But straight from kindnes Dick to humors growes , And then too th' barrels he his valour showes , Throwing about the cupps , the potts , & glasses , And railes ath ' Tunns ; calling them druncken Asses . From this to kindnes hee dus come ; and then , A freshe a drinking Richard fales agen , Ne're ceasing this same faithfull coyle to keepe , T●ll vnder th' Hogshead he falls fast a sleepe . Satire 61. AS Boastus all alone in 's Hall did walke , Thus to himfelfe , did Boastus brauely talke . Oh! that old Troye ( quoth he ) had bene vnsack't , I would ( I trowe ) haue made the Gretians pactr . And this right arme the Troians would haue founde , Should soone haue beat the Gretians from theire ground . And then his sworde about his heade he flasheth , Ah hah quoth he ; & then the postes he slasheth . Then straight he wisheth for great Charlemayne , Or for that neuer conqer'd Tamberlayne . Oh! Earth disgorge thy selfe of Allexander , I long to fight ( quoth he ) with that Commaunder . Good Grandam let them but appeare in sight , That they may once but taste of this armes might . And then againe too 's flashing worke he goes , Wishing that all those postes were dead●y foes . Would here were Roman Ceasar Romes great King , Ifaith ( quoth he ) I 'de make his Cox-combe sing , And then he foines & strikes , ( without all staie ) Stooles , Chaires , Formes , bordes , or what else is in 's waie . Still executing's wrath vppon those men , Till's angrie wife came in , and rescu'd them For in shee came , and in her hand a Ladle , With which shee swing'd him well about the nodle . And why ? alas he rockt not well the cradle . Satire 62. MEtamorphiz'd Mick : where 's thy Target man ? What chaung'd into a lisping Ladies fann ? Is dubb a dubb Bellonas warlike noates , Chaung'd to fa la la , streind through shrill Evnukes throates ? Art turn'd from grimm-face't Mars his valiaunce , To smiling Venus hir tempting daliaunce ? Me thinkes those leggs oft harnest with bright steele , To twind with Nimphes weake limmes no sweet should feele , Hast learn'd to skipp , smyle , kisse , & looke demure ? i th' steede of charge or raise a counter mure , For shame rechaunge , thou maiden-chaunged Mick Come vse thy pyke ; tha 'st vs'd too long thy — Satire 63. VVHy how now drowsie Dick ? what halfe a sleepe ? Come madd-capp ; followe me & I will sleepe Thy muddye braines in sparkling Charnico , Come rise damb'd Rogue ; slydd skabb it shall be soe , Why how now Asse ? what ayel'st t'ou foole to whyne ? What crying ? s'harte this is ex'lent fine , Thou pul'st , & snul'st : a great peece matter why ? Forsooth by cause thou told'st thy Dadd a lie . Why horson foole , was 't not done in thy drinke ? Slidd ; thou 't prooue an Idyeot ( sure ) I thinke . Did'st euer see mee in this pulling passe ? Yet I haue call'd ( e're now ) my Father Asse . My wife yong Witch , my Mother worne-out Punck . Well : what a this ? they 'd saie but I was drunck . Come faithfull Dick , let 's drincke , thou must not crye , Thou't ne're make Theefe , that pul'st soe at a lie . Satire 64. I Tell thee Iack , amidst thy cupps of wyne , Thou art not braue ; thy tongue 's not nimble fine . Sullen thou sitt'st , as seeming discontent . At thy assotiats Iouall merriment . Bee Iouall Ladd ; stirr-vp thy tongue to walke , A man in 's cupps is priueleg'd to talke . Why leaden-harted-man , why hadst thou birth But to consume thy time in sprightfull mirth ? Soe thy tongue flippant be , care not man Let it prate ; noe matter what 't is an . Let thy comparissons mount vp tooth ' skye : Saie , what are Kinges but men ? and soe am I Th' art not true br●dd , thou dreamest of thy ende , Come , Rouse-vp Ladd , what old-Dadds get wee 'l spend . Satire 65. I Graunt thee Allexander thon wast great , And that this crauin world thou once did'st beat : Naie more , I doe beleeue & thinke 't is true That part ath ' warlike Gods thou did'st subdue . Yet what a this ? I meane not blaze thy name But with a brighter light to daske the same . The cause why thou great Ioues high Throne hast kist , I pry thee tell whereon it doth consiste ? Thou't saie on Conquestes , which with bloud thou got'st , And that by these all others Fame thou blott'st . Come come , thy greatest great is meerely small , To blowne fac't Blundulus of stature tall . Hast thou a legg more bigg then anie Oake ? Or thigh whose bone will bide a Canon stroake ? Hast thou a paunch wherein may Armies h●dd , As in the Gretian Horse long since there did ? Come , to be short , vnlesse thou hast all this , Blundulus is great , and thou but small I wis . Satire 66. THings which of Death doe put great men in minde , Are alwaies not the welcom'st things wee finde : Since soe ; why doe wee muse they soe reject , All Serving men ? and of them not respect . Oh blame them not ; for ( faith la ) doe ye heare ? To see Death ; what is hee that would not feare ? And what is hee that Serving-men should see , To gape , as waite ? but Iudge would that was hee , For Iuste as Death waites onely to deuoure , E'ne soe doe they , and haue the selfe same power . To keepe em , then , I praye great men excuse . For so to thinke one Death they could not chuse . Satire 67. GIue waie Orlando Furious man I saie , ( For furiousnes ) to Spendus giue thou waie . T is true ( Inraged-man ) that at one stroake , ( E're now ) thou hast made fall the sturdi'st Oake , But what is one Oakes fall ? Spendus at one blowe , Whole woodds ath ' biggest Oakes dus ouerthrowe . Orlando : th' art compos'd of Earth and Aeire , And of the Cristall running-water faire . But Spendus ( worthy Spendus ) I presume , Is all of fire , for hee dus all consume . Satire 68. I Will raile at thee Nature ; for I finde My bodie 's smal , and answers not my minde . How happs tha 'st made me of a Dwarfish stature ? Fie , fie , I tell thee tha' rt too blame Dame Nature . Why Woman-God , too much th' ast wronged mee , For by my minde , a Gyant I should bee . T is great ; I wondrous great , then how comes it That too 't my body thou soe I 'll did'st fitt ? Goe corrupt Dame ; I tell thee I doe finde I should haue bene a Souldier by my minde : I 'em proud , stout , & though I 'em nothing couetous , Yet ( Souldier-like ) I am ambitious . What 's in a Souldiers minde 's in mine : then why To my great minde soe smale a man am I ? Satire 69. GO Ridus teach Tellatus some true skill . To make his Beaste ( while he gets vp ) stand still , Hee dares not mount ; Ridus how shall he doe ? And when hee 'd mount , then startes she to and fro . Faith helpe him Ridus ; hee must haue hir man'd Hee loues the Beaste that 's broken to his hand . About it man , thou hast the onely'st name , To make ( by riding ) wilde things truely tame . Satire 70. KNowe you not him with Peacock-spreading-plumes ? That great-bigg-mountaine-looker which soe fumes . Hee whose Rock-rending-looke grimm Mars would make ( As frozen-synew'd ) with could feare to quake , And make the troubled Ensignes of pale feare , At sight of it , in his base cheekes appeare Moste straunge ! knowe you not him ? oh mudds foule slime ! Why hee 's the thunder threatner of our tyme , Whyt's razer-witted Clitus ; that same Ladd . Which Godds ( er●e now ) to speake-to has been gladd , It 's hee whose Hobby-mounting thoughts soe sor'd . That lesse then Ioue none thought he 'd be ador'd . Knowe you not him ? why faith 't is wondrous straunge , Yet 't is not , cause ath ' Man-Gods nowe great chaunge . Satire 71. HOb-carting Tom and 's Father's gone to plowe . Leauing old Madge at home to feed the Sow , Ka Tom too 's Father ; Vather earste tou mee ? I● my boy Tom ; wat zest ? zay on ka hee Maz Vather-la wud God eech had a wife , Ma thinkes eech wudd ha wone rare than my life Oh boy ka hee tis naught , 't will spoyle thy groath , Twull mare thee Tom ; twull make thee vull a zloath , Nai● hold tere Vather ; wudd tou wud'st not lie , But whare twull or no la ( ka Tom I●le trie , Ee●h wott well Vath●r eech forgoe my zleepe , While you lie snoring , eech oft crie & weepe . While you lie gruntling like a drousie hogg , Eech madditate , watt eech should send my Iugg . Zest Vather wat tou wult : doe all tho 't doe , Yet eech shall trie my beste a wife to woe . Wilt Tom ka hee ? but I 'de not ha thee yet Vurst ha thy Lond in harte , & then th' art fitt . Lond in harte ? that 's vyne ka Tom ; Lond in varte , I 'le ha a wiue else Dule himselfe zelue goo't carte Well Tom ka's Vather ; make noe more a doe , And eech my zelfe will helpe thee one to woe . Gramercie Vather ; zest wel like a mon , Doe as thou zest ; and eech wull loue thee thon . Satire 72. WHo would not follow Warrs that has his witt ? Which allwaies has such musicke followes it , The priuat'st Souldiour lying in his neast , By warbling lullabies is brought too 's rest . Not by your wanton-wench-like Evnukes voyce , But by a heau'nlike thundring Cannons noyse . Vnto whose song the trumpett soe dus plaie , As tweene them both they rauishsence a waie , Soe sweet's the musike , which doe followe warrs , That Cyties daunce , and capers to the starrs . Satire 73. PRoudus th' art not ( soe far as I can see ) In outward shewe , what inward thou maist bee . Although th' art all in raggs , yet I doe finde , Vnder those raggs a whole Emperiall minde . Fewe big-fast Lordes : push , of Lordes what doe I prate ? Fewe Kinges cann looke soe bigg as thou of late . In faith ( but I 'me to bould ) hadst thou but pelfe . Speake great-smale-man , what would'st thinke on thy selfe ? A man ? a Earthly man ? noe : thoughts would breede Thou wert engendr●d of some heaunlie seed . I faith , ( but tell mee ) sometimes dust not gesse That Iupiter vnto thy Mother had accesse ? I know great-thoughted-man by thy lookes straine That such high thoughts , thy braue harte dus maintaine● Well still looke great , and one daie thou shalt see , A greate purse to thy lookes , will answer thee , Satire 74. DArtus , if thou'dst a Courtier learne to be , Then take a glasse ; that booke shall straight teach thee . Looke in thy glasse , and frowne , or skowle , or smile And shalt see one doo soe an other while , Laugh thou , there 's one will laugh : shedd thou a teare A teare ther 's oue will shedd ; I dust thou heare ? Thy bodie bow , gape , winke , or nodd thy pate , Doe what thou wilt , ther 's one will imitate . To great men ( if thou wilt a Courtier bee ) Thou must doe , as thy shadowe dus to thee , Satire 75. WHyle my apparr●ll was not fine , but plaine , At Assus but this stile , could I obtaine . God morrowe Sir ; How doe ye sir to daye ? But when in my apparrell I grew gaie , Why then God morrowe to your Worshipp sir , Then 's tongue without a worshipp ne're would stir . But looke when my apparrell was not gaie I certaien was noe worshipp t' haue that daye Taylors : sure honourable men you bee , For you men worshippfull can make I see . Satire 76. CVntrey Tailors themselues tooth ' Court betake , As th' old saying is , but for meere fasshon sake , They goe toth ' Courte as manie Courtiers goe , Vnto the Church ; that is to see , or soe More matter on 't what neede I make ? Since vp they goe , onely for fashon sake . They make the Courte ( for fashon s●ke ) their School● , Whereby to fasshon out each Contrey foole . Satire 77. WIl t bee a Serving-man ? thou art not fitt , Thy stubborne pate affordes noe reatching witt : If thou would'st soe ; thou must loose learning than , That ornament getts smale forth ' Seruing-man . But wilt a states-man serue ? where 's thy braines stretch ? Fie , t will not plott , t is naught ; t will not retch . Wilt follow his yong sonn ? foole , awaie : Fie , Examin how thou art in quallitie . Canste hawke , hunte ; or haste the hors-mans skill ? Canst drabb , dice , drincke , or 's wenching luste fulfill ? If not ? awaie ; awaie : will bee thy cheere , With this adition , What makes this Asse heere ? W●lt wait on 's daughter ? ah hah , there 's a Lasse : How 's thy humor ? If sadd ? then th' art an asse . Canst neither daunce , nor sing ? foole then awaie Why quallities is all in all , I saie , If canst not musicke plaie , or dandle Pearle Or goe ( if sent ) in priuate to an Earle , If canst not these doe ? ( credit me or trie ) Thou't be reputed of noe quallitie . Aw●ie thou 't turned be , ( wantst but those partes ) And held a foole , maugre thy librall artes . Satire 76. DE●cend thou monstrous damn'd-deluding Gold , Into thy fathers black infernall hold , Pueilas cold-chast thoughtes had been vnthaud , Hadst thou not been , thou most entising baude Old Fath●rs liues in sonns eyes were noe moates , Wert not for thee , thou temp'st 'em cut their throates . Thou true-bred Feynd right make-bare in these yeres , T is thou setst Kinges togeather by theire eares . Varlat avaunt , keepe out my sight th' adst beste . Else I 'le en-dungeon thee in strong-bar'd Cheste . Satire 80. COme Lord that would-be , I 'le condole with thee , Cause what thou wouldst be made , will neuer be . What though thou neuer wast ' foreseiged Towne With thunder-threatniug Gnnns to gunn it downe● Or complete arm'd vppon a fitie steed ? Making on euerie side thy foes to bleede . Why though thou ne're didst soe , yet Lord that would-bee , Honour in my minde appertaines to thee . Deserues he honour which entrencheth Townes ? And he noe honour which entrencheth growndes ? Me thinkes hee which in fielde St. George dus crie , Deserues noe more , then If 's waie hee did flie . Come Lord that would●be , gett more Cowes & sheepe , And honour will come on you , though you sleepe . Satire 81. TAlke you with Poet-Asse sitting in 's seate , You 'le heare him ex'lent , Epigrames repeate , Demaund him whose they bee , they runn soe fine , He answers straight , fruits of this braine of myne , Yet let a well-read Poet heare the vaine , Hee'lle finde they came out of a Bastardes braine . Dust heare me Poet-asse ? I 'le prophysee , That when th' art mari'd , thou 't a Cockould bee : Thou fath'rest now things got by other men , What wilt thou doe when thou art mari'd then ? I pry thee good Iack-Dawe giue each b●rd's owne , That for a plaine Iack Dawe thou maist be know●● . Satire 82. BEare hence my Septer and my massie Crowne , I cannot beare them but they 'le beare me downe , Sadd cares and feares attendeth on them soe , As I their burthens cannot vndergoe . Bring me my Hooke , my Scripp , my Flock of sheepe , I long againe that quiet Realme to keepe . Satire 83. THe Printer saies , good bookes doe baddly sell , Then myne ( cause badd ( I 'em sure ) must needs take well . but howsoeuer good or badd they bee , To take-well ( Lawyers ) let em learne of yee . Praie teach em it ; that parte y' are perfectst in , Teach em take well : for God sake learne em synn . Satire 84. IF Vennym'd-mouth'd-fell-bitten Zoylus stirr . Then Whelpe be firce vppon that snarling Curr . Let him noe sooner grinn , but on him flie , And thou shalt see , his waie , awaie hee 'le hie With 's taile ' tweene's leggs awaie hee 'le scudd & gadd , Onely hee 'le barke & howle as he were madd . Satire 85. GOe churlish whelpe , awaie goe thou and sleepe , And till I call , againe , thy kennell keepe . Thou barkest loud ; too loude thou barkest Whelpe , I must haue whippetts now , that doe but yelpe . I hunt noe beastes ; I 'ue altred now my wont , My pleasiur's now the Vermin chace to hunt Be gone yong Curr , yet if fowle swyne doe rout , I 'le whissle then , and then againe come out . AN APPOLOGIE . AN Idle humor has possest my penn , To writ invectiue 'gainst ill humor'd men . It is not over one , it 's generall . That I haue sprinck'led this my bitter gaule . My gen'rall meaning 's gen'rally to those . Whose humors , these badd humors doe disclose . Therefore ( I me sure ) the wise , what ere they thinke . If they theire faultes doe see , they 'le see & winke . By others how they 're ta'en , or what they saye , I 'le take noe care , let them themselues bewraye . If anye saies but IUIS ATYRYZE Asking why men I doe pertick ' larize I answere those , I onely faine a name ; All knowes this kinde of vayne requires the same . I 'ue done noe wrong , I●ue offred none abuse , Let them that has soe , seeke & craue excuse . FINIS . DOGGES FROM THE Antippedes . Satire 1. MY angrie Whelpe I 'ue turn'd to 's kennell now , Fearing faire Ladies , that he would feare you . But in his place ( I hope to your delight ) Here 's Dogges shall be more pleasing in your sight . Accept them Ladies , in them thre's no harme , Each take hir Dogge , & beare him in hir arme . Satire 2. LAdies , they saie things which be fetched farr , To manie of you , still most pleasing are . I knowing what your humours best require , Haue trauail'd farr , to fitt your sweet desire . Cause litle Doggs your fancie best doe please . I journei'd for them to Th'antyppedes . Accept them then , such Dogges they are I wis , As sweetly will your sweete lippes lick & kisse . Satire 3. VVOemen I 'ue done my worst , toth ' worst of men . But now I 'le occupie on you my penn . Praie giue me leaue to doo 't : Old Chaucers Iest With some of you ( I knewe ) agrees with ' best With whom that earnest iest dus best agree Let them ( for baudie phrase ) finde fault with mee . Satire 4. MAtchles Mistresse , thou pure vnspotted Dame , Hadst had one spott , I would haue showne the same . But since thou art , as neuer woman was , I 'le print thee there , where ne're was printed Lasse . Paper 's too fowle to beare soe faire a parte , Therefore I 'le print thy praises in my harte . Satire . 5. TO lee Morilla in hir Coatch to ride , With hir long locke of haire vppon one side , With hart & feather worne i th' swaggring'st guise , With butt'ned bodies skirted dub●●t-wise . Vnmask't , and sittith ' boote without a fann , Speake : could you Iudge hir lesse then bee some man ? If lesse ? then this I' me sure you 'd Iudge at leaste , Shee was part man , parte woman ; part a beaste . Satire 6. ERe long I thinke that Deela meanes to trie , If shee like birdes i th' aire can soare & flie . Fewe Fowles like to this fowle , more feathers weares For on hir head & handes , huge plumes shee beares , And cause shee wil the easlier take hir flight , Shee makes hir harte & heeles exceeding light , Hir heeles , with lightest corke this light-one stuffes , Hir harte , ( through quills of pride ) with winde shee puffes . Oh sure shee●le flie , ●nd thus shee 'le make hir flight , From Luste his lande , to Letchr'ies soyle out-right . Satire 7. I Praie you speake is not this tyme growne straunge , When feeble woemen vnto warriours chaunge ? T is not the Courte dame Lusta doth commend , Hir daies 'fore seiged Cytties shee will ende . Hir humor brookes noe Court-like dalliance , But loues th' incounter of true valliance . Milke-sopps are men which lulls in Ladies sapps , And dare not bide ( like hir ) loud Culu'ryn clapps . Per-due shee 'le lie , and somtyme Centry stand , And Kiu'la crie , with fire-lock in hir hand . This is a wench will make all Courtiers sham'd , If once hir actes be to their eares but nam'd . I , this is shee which has such seruice showne , As now shee is an Auncient-bearer growne . Satire 8. WHen Gillyan and hir Gossipps all are met , And in the match of gossipping downe sett , And plaine Mas Parson cutting bread forth ' Table , To tell how faste they talke , my tongue 's not able . One tells straunge newes , tother God-swerbert cries , The third shakes head , the fourth alock replies Shee on hir henns , this on hir duckes doe talke , On thousand things at once their tongues shall walke . So long as Cockes cann tread , & Henns will laie , Gill and Gills gossippes , will haue wordes to saie . Satire 9. LIke to a Castell is faire Kitchin Kate , And like the same , sh' was sackt & ●poyl'd of late , A Castle 's strongly trencht , & fenc't with stones , Kates corpes as strongly fenc't with good whale-bones . A Castle hath percullize at each gate , As good a fence as that has bonny Kate. Shee hath a buske , ther 's noe device more stronge , That once let downe , hir Portall takes noe wronge . Yet vengaunce take hir watch , had they not slept , Kates strongest hold vn-ransakt had been kept . Satire 10. FIca's faire : none sees fairer if he winkes , Shee 's sweet ; as anie muskatt when shee stinckes To see hir when shee readeth on hir boke , ( I meane hir glasse , ) on which shee oft doth looke , T would make you laugh , naie laugh vntill you weeepe , At th' action shee vnto hir shade dus keepe , Now shee 'le smile , now shee 'le gloyt : naie this shee 'le doe , See'le kisse the same , naie seeke t' imbrace it too . Yet watt yee what still makes them two to parte ? should I but t●ll't , you 'd laugh ●till breake your harte , T is this : when shee had smil'd & done hir beste , Then dus shee frowne , make mouthes , and doe the reste . Which when the shade i th' glasse dus doe the like , Then shee in radge , dus it a peeces strike . Faith speake , deserueth not that glasse a knock That harbours apes , to giue such apes a mock ? Satire 11. WHy hisband ( quoth Misse Marchaunt ) wher 's my Pynck ▪ Oh God! his haire 's not kymmed downe I thinke : Come pretty Pynck come , thy nowne Mistrisse kisse , Thy Meyster ( Pinck ) might thought on thee ere this , Feth hisband feth ; I 'me mitch growne in your debt That my sweet Puppie you would soe forgett . Y' are troubled sore : what he yee else te tend ? You leue to heare me chide , else this yee'd mend . Pre will yee fetch●e kemm & kemm him straight , Elas sweet Mopps , hee 's naught to make thee waite . What , he yee brought it ? Feth ye 'r such a one , That lesse ye 'r chidden nothing wil be done , Ebout him pre : Lard how leysurely yee doo 't , It seemes yee he but litle minde vntoo 't . Yet pre now ste : What eyles sweet Pynck to groane ? Oh! Pincke would pisse : Pre heue Pinck all elone . What hes he don 't ? Pre make him cleane agen , End Pinck and I , will vntoth ' garden then . So : Now hee 's well , but heare yee ? when I 'm gone , I pre bee yee a gadding streight from home . Satire 12. VVHen Minta from hir Chamber downe descendeth , All things belowe shee straight-waies discommendeth , Queanes ( quoth shee : ) how happs my Kitchen 's thus disgrac't ? I were not wont to haue a spoone displac't , Then straight tooth ' Hall , where if a russhe she spies , Where haue these slutts been brought-vp Lard shee cries ? Then faugh shee cries : out on t : what 's this dus smell ? Must I bee serued thus ? why Maides 't is well . So leauing them , tripping vppon hir toes , Into hir shopp , t'ir prentizes shee goes , Where if shee sees a boye but looke a wrie , Why sauce-box , what stare you on shee 'le crie ? And then shee plies hir worke which is a band , Which to bee hemm'd , has hung tenn years in band . Satire 13 AS Iynn and Pegg did in their Couches lie , Thus did sweete Pegg yong Iynn instructifie , Why Iynn wutt ne're leaue poring on a booke ? Come take a glasse , that 's fitter on to looke , If thou didst know how good bookes dulls the braine , thou 'dst ne're thus booke-it while thou liu'dst againe . Doe as thy sister Pegg dus , chaine in armes Hir sweet-hart bounde with loue-linckt-charmes , Reade in his face the pleasing lines of loue , And they thy soule , to sweet delights will mooue . Art rising Iynn ? I prethee sweete-harte staie , Heare mee speake one worde more , and then awaie . Thou must not blussh : Why this is maidens chart , Wee 're priuat girle , wee 'le talke wee care not what . I 'le saie noe harme , I 'le tell thee onely this , What pleaseth woemen beste , and what it is . Oh t is man ! who doth possesse a treasure , Whose taste ( for sweetnesse ) hath noe measure A treasure wench : such treasures there are none , A Iuell 't is : oh had'st thou such a one , Thou would'st esteeme it at soe high a rate , As ne're noe Iuell was soe pris'd of late . Vnto it ( girle ) soure is the sweetest honie , It 's wine toth ' harte , but Nector to the — These were the reasons Margett did aleadge , Which firste did sett faire Iynns white teeth an edge , Satire 14. IN trothla maides what thouhtes possesseth yee , Iuste such-like thoughtes sometimes possesseth mee , Myne sometimes wanton are : Maides you all knowe That wee that Maidens are , our thouhts are soe . To see a gallaunt gape ( Maides your mouthes wipe ) To entertaine a faire Tobacco-pipe . Beleeue me Maides , my maiden-thoughts it moues To thinke of what doth passe 'tween two that loues . It at a worde ( Oh that I might come at hir ) Dus make my Maiden-mouth o're-flowe with water . Satire 15 SOme thinkes that Vardingales that 's monstrous wide , At firste invented were onely for pride , But truely none that thinketh soe as this , But gesse ( beleeue me ) too too much a misse , For they ( I certainely it 's soe surmi'sd , ) For these three reasons were at firste deui'sd . Firste , for hott girles that subiect are to sweate , It letts vp aire whereby to coole theire heat . Then for the girle whose bumm standeth not right , ( Tough hopper-tail'd ) yet that will hide it quite . But cheifly dus the wench , who through an Itch , Has gott : alas I scratch a — T is shee I saie that wears it not for Pride For shee ( god wott ) cann neuer hate too wide ; She must haue trickes , ( I deale too plaine to scoffe ) To beare vp cloathes , else they 'd rubb plaisters off . Satire 16. VVHen Seelas Taylor measure came to take , Of hir smale bodie , bodies new to make They disagreed ( yet time did giue them leasure ) How shee should stand , when hee should take hir measure ▪ Hee 'd haue hir vp-right stand , or else hee should Ne're fitt hir bodie with a perfect moulde , But shee not likeing it , made this replie , I 'le haue my bodie measur'd as I lie . And full of bones I 'de haue my bodies bee , The bones sticht in , and quilted well quoth shee . Now if thou think'st my bodies thou canst fitt , I prethee honest Tayle-hir measure it . The man mistakeing still hir meaning quite Lyes on hir more , to haue hir stande vp-right ▪ But shee ( hoping to beat it in his braine ) The second time replies to him againe . Tayler quoth shee , I 'me sure that I shall finde Bodies made like thine fitting'st to my minde , Noe other measure for my bodie take , But by thy bodie , my newe bodies make . Alas quoth hee those bodies ne're will fitt . Ah Asse quoth shee , that Noddies had but witt Then might my bodie , bodies haue right good , And easlye I m●ght haue been vnderstood . ' Waie hence ( quoth shee ) thou art some botching Noddy , That canst not measure right a womans bodie . Satire 17 ▪ IF Gossippes once be gott to sitt and prattle . It 's needles then to bidd their tongues to tattle . Woe to their husbandes , for alas poore men ▪ It's onely they shall smart and paie for 't then . One by hir troth-la sweares how shee dus finde , Hir husband growne alreadye much vnkinde , For let mee aske him but a toy to giue , Hee 'le snapp me vp , with Lett 's learne firste to liue , I badd him buie ( quoth shee ) shooes that would creake , Yet did hee not : oh ! this would make one speake . I chardg'd him buie mee hose quoth shee of redd , Hee bought em blewe : I , I , hee 'd haue mee dead : I Gossipps I , ther 's none soe matcht as I , Then straight waies put shee finger into eye . At which : Gossipps : saies one , you gri●e to soone , Another tells hir , yet t is honny-moone , A thirde stepps vp : for sooth quoth shee they saie That wee must hus●ands honour & obaie , But had wee strength , I halfe the strength of men , It should be seene quoth shee : Ifaith-lathan . And there shee stopps , setting hir teeth soe close , As if shee fear'd hir madd-tongue would breake loose . The fourth more wise : saies weake-ones must toth ' wall , Wee 're borne to beare quoth shee : le●ts put vp all . And then the bowle , the gossipps bowle ginnes walke , But that once off : againe their tongues must talke . Satire 18. WHen as my creame is sowre , I straight-waies meet With suger which dus make my sowre creame sweete , And when my drinke is sowre , or that waies blame , I meet with twentie things to mende the same . But faith doe what I cann , yet for my life , I cannot mende the sowrenes of my wife . Yet honny'd termes vppon hir eu'rie howre I duelie powre : yet still my wife is sowre . May not I doubt hir sowrenes ne're will fleete , When such sweet thinges wantes powere to make hir sweeete . Satire 19. AT this time Liba tha'dst noe neede to weepe , Hadst had the witt but of a sillie sheepe , Couldst not thou marke whereon that harmeles beast dus howrely chuse to make hir daiely feast ? Shee 's sildome seeue the tale long grasse deuowre : And why ? because t is ranck & allwaies sowre . But on the short : with which when shee dus meete On that shee feedes ; and why ? because 't is sweete . Ah Liba hadst ath ' sheepe but learned this , Thy tall man had not had thee then I wis . Faith wench , hadst but a lowe man halfe an houre , thou 'dst tell mee all that 's tall , are rancke & soure , Satire 20. I Must distill my witts best quintessence , To Carractrise the wisdome of wise Prudence , Hir worthy actes are of such noble fame , As I 'le haue Hall to Cronicle the same . You long to heare hir deedes ? I knowe you doe : Will you be silent then ? well then goe toe . Shee 'fore hir Father , Mother , folkes and all , Settes vp hir legg ath'mantle-tree i th' wall , Quoth shee now Father I 'le doe wonders great , The old folkes hearing that ( with feare ) gann sweat , Shee seeing that , shee bidds them nothing doubt . For I ( quoth shee ) will onely pufft this fire out . And therewithall shee lett forth such a — That halfe the spacious world ( for feare ) gan start Oh here 's a Girle to liue i th' Common-weale , Who cann defend it with hir very taile . Satire 21. NOthing's hard vnto a minde that 's willing , It 's seene by Winda in hir nightly drilling , Harke Musketeers : if Mnsketeers you le make , And learne all posternes right , hir course but take , Shee eu'ry night as in hir bedd shee lies , Dus all hir posternes , 'fore shee e're let flies , Shee cockes , shee tries hir match , shee gardes hir pann , Which done , sh'ungardes it , and presentes it than , And with as good a grace as you 'd desire Shee blowes hir match , and brauely then giues fire . Then dus shee caste about , prune & blowe , Rechardge & to hir former posternes goe . Souldiers ; Drilling's not hard , If you 'd doe soe . Satire 22. FOr certen , yet in woemen ther 's some sweet , With which wee blinde-men yet could neuer meet , By reason naturall it must be soe . To proue the same let 's to the Bee-hiue goe , Why did dame Nature giue the Bee a sting ? Some reasons sh 'ad to giue hir such a thing . And place it in hir ta●le ( men marke the case ) The prettie Bees sweetst best & ritchest place , Hir reason why shee plac't it in hir taile , Was this ( if my opinion doe not faile ) Because that place hir treas'rie is : in which Lies all hir wealth : For Bees be sweetly ritch . Now as with stinges dame Nature made the Bee , Soe woemen hath shee made with st●nges wee see , For all their heades ( I hope I doe none wrong ) Containeth stings : If not a stinge , a tongue , But let vs term 't a stinge ; for it will prick , And hee that striues with it , gainst thornes dus kick : They hauing stinges , noe question if wee search , Shall honny finde where those sharpe stinges doe pearch . Yet as you doe , doe not , for men you 'le faile , If Bee-like for the sweete , you search the ( ) Satire 23. MIlda ? since you betooke your self to wiue , I hope y 'aue tane the skillfulst tricks to thriue . The time was Milda when your slender back , ( To couer it ) a gowne well-nie did lack . But now , nor gowne , nor nothing else you want , What can you aske ? but straight it has a graunt . Manie Maidens , manie things would choake , Had they ( as you haue ) Milda such a cloake . For doe you heare ? it may not be denaied But cloakes fitts wiues , when they 'le not doe a maide Yet Milda faith I speake it to your grace , You should haue chose your cloake with better face . Satire 24 A Ladie fairer farr then fortunate , ( In dauncing ) thus o'reshott hirselfe of late , The musick not in tune , pleas'd not hir minde , For which : shee with the fidlers fault did finde . Fidlers quoth shee , your fidles tune for shame . But as shee was a speaking of the same , ( To mend the consort ) let shee did a ( ) Whereat the fidling knaues thus did hir greete Maddam your pipe 's in tune , it plaies most sweete , strike vp quoth they , ( but then the knaues doe smile ) And as you pipe , wee 'le daunce an other while . At which , awaie the blusshing Ladie flinges , But as shee goes , hir former noates shee singes . Satire 25. WElthus , none of your daughters that I sawe , But halfe did tempt mee be your sonne in lawe : And iuste but halfe : For euer I did see , In eech of them , somwhat to alter mee . Kates Virtues my affection much did moue . But streight hir crookednesse did quench that loue . Black Sues great portion made mee wish hir well , But thinking on hir pride my loue straight fell . Besse for hir bewtie I could much affect , But Besse wantes witt , that made mee Besse reiect , With D●ll for hir housseffrie I could hould , But blame not smale men , much to feare a scould . Ellen for hir silence I could loue : but Although I hate a scould , I loath a slutt . Were Nan noe wanton , shee 'd my humor fitt , But Nan has wantonnes vnto hir witt , Yet Wealthus giue me Nan , for doe you heare ? With wantonnes ( as most men dus ) I 'le beare . Satire 26. SWeet Mistresse , I 'le not putt thee ( thou shalt finde ) In this my bookes disgracefulst place behinde , In that place will I toothles Liva putt , And flout at hir , cause shee 's soe rancke a slutt . And Minsa there I 'le putt , who eates at table , As if to eate at all , shee were not able . Hir , there I●le put , cause 'fore ●olkes shee 'le not eate , But in a corner eate vp worldes of meate . Likewise I 'le Lica put into that place , For Cuckolding hir man before his face . But Mistresse , you behinde I 'le neuer put , Worldes of wealth , shall ne're perswade mee too 't . Where ●ouers put their loues , there doe you looke To bee inrouled , and put in my booke : i th' midle , and before , ( cann I doe lesse ? ) There will I put you , my sweet Misteresse . Where I will write on you ; thinges of delight , Thinges fittli'st fitting true-loues appetite . Satire 27. ANd praie now why is there noe likelyhood That Agus should doe his yong wife noe good ? Heare my example , and I 'le proue it then . That none please yong Girles like these aged men . A yong-man hauing matter to endite , With manie wordes super●●uous hee doth write , Loading the paper with much Idle stuff , O ' rechardging it with much more then enough . Whereas an aged man dus neuer write , But vntoth ' purpose hee dus still endite . What e're ould men doe doe : ( I doe not flatter ) Toth ' purpose t is : they roundly goe toth ' matter . And therefore Tatlus , why art such a one , To thinke that Agus sonne , is not his sonne ? I●st cause the boie is such a chopping ladd ? Or cause hee is not hair'd like his old dadd ? If this bee all ? then thou a fault art in , Why Tatlus , hee is like his mothers kinn , His mother couzens hath : fine proper men , The boie in fauour maie bee like to them . Or like his god-fathers the boie may bee , That falls out oft , although noe kinn you see . Fie Tatlus , Ifaith thou hast a slaund rouus tongue , To doe an old-mans yong-wife soe much wrong : Why old-mens breath getts boies , it is soe strong . Satire 28. LOrd , what meane you Gossipp ? praie forbeare , My husband noates your often comming here , Soe soone as euer hee is gott toth ' Plowe , You are here : praie la-bee : what ayle you now ? I will not faith : good-lord y' are such a man , I hope you 'le rest : hee will bee here a nan : Y' are such an other : whoo 'd thinke you such a one ? Oh! I heare my husband : praie bee gone . La-bee I saie : fie , fie : I praie la-bee , Hee 's in the yard , hee 's crying hutt and gee . Harke , harke ; Ifaith I heare him : oh t is sore ! Naibour : sneake out , & I will watch at dore . Satire 29 WHy Iohn quoth Nan , I praie nowe Iohn forbeare : You 'le not a done , Ifaith I 'le hitt your eare , whoo 'd bee a Chamber-maide ? why Iohn ? fie , fie : A done I saie ; Ifaith Iohn Iwill crie , Pussh , pussh : praie leaue , another time you shall , Why harke ; praie harke : Ifaith my Mistresse call . Shee 'd rise and make hir readie : out alas , How will shee tie hir shoes and want hir glasse ? I 'm in a fine case to goe to hir sir : Fie Iohn : are not you sham'd to keepe this stirr ? I 'de not ha thought you would haue vs'd mee soe , How is my colour ? fie how I doe blowe ? Shame you not to putt mee in this heate ? A handkercher : fie , how my face dus sweat . Well , well ▪ Ifaith did not I loue you well , Of this your wagg'rie to your shame I 'de tell , Lord my ruff ! sett it with thy finger Iohn , Harke , harke ; pies on hir , how shee rapps for Nan. Fare-well , I 'le tell hir , sh 'as a waggish man , Satire 30 I Could allowe your suite ; but doe you her● ? My creditt Sir : my reputation 's deare , What greater blott could to my Credit bee ? Then yeilde my loue to such a one as yee . Againe you knowe your maister growes of late , To haue a mar'les suspitious Ieolous pate . H'immagins what has past : and Iohn you knowe , Wee haue too open been ; t was longe of you . Lett 's charie bee : my deeds shall then approue , That like to thee , none shall attaine my loue . Satire 31. PRouda : your Father on his death-bedd lies , T is tenn to one , within this howre hee dies . For God-sake Prouda while as hee doth liue , Goe vnto him ; & his greate faulte forgiue . Hee dus desire the same : hee pra●es that hee ( E're die ) to you may reconciled bee . For God-sake Prouda let his latest breath Make you a mendes : hee 'le seale the same with Death . Were I a maide , my Father should be bould To saie , & saie againe that I were old . Alas your father takes it on his death , Hee ment noe harme with vtt'ring of that breath . Hee vowes , hee little thought to woman-kinde , That saying would haue troubled so their minde . Good yong - Prouda , now shewe your selfe t' aue witt , And but vnto his death hate him for it . Satire 32. WIdowes ? your Push , nor Praie Sir stand awaie , Noe nor your fie for shame , forbeare I praie , Can make a souldier cease his enterprise ; I tell you widowes , souldiers are too wise , They know that breaches into Towres are made , To enter them ; whereby the Towre t'in●ade . They knowe that asking , shall I enter in ? ● Is not the waie a Towre , or Forte to winn . Their discipline is such , they vse smale speech , But with true courage , falls-vpp intoh ' breach . Where maugre Daungers worste , they 'le make th' adventure , And ( as true spirits should ) brauely enter . They will not with beseechings pray them yeild , For falls they 'le take , but they will winn the field . Satire 33. VVHy Matrita , what will it praie boote mee ? To blabb , or tell a ●atling tale of thee , Should I gaine ought to saie thou louest Iohn ? That smooth-chin'd youth thy fathers serving-man , Not for a thousand Millions I 'le report , That nightly to his bedd thou dust resort . Why , I could tell what trickes hee putts on thee : But they shall neuer be reueal'd for mee , The gettings will but little fill my purse , To tell of thy two children sent to nurse . Or tell howe closely e●'rie thing was wrought , As how the mid-wife , blind-folded was brought . Ifaith but Idle I my selfe should showe , If I should make the world , these secretts knowe . Come wench : none shall know 't : bee noe whit dismaiede , Some Londonier will take thee for a maide . Satire 34. DEepe desp'rat daunger in this Satire lies , Cause desp'rat folkes it dus annotomize . It tells what manner chatt , when woemen meere , They each the other commonly doe greete . Kate bidds hir Gossipp sitt , which once downe sett , Then fall they vnto that , for which they mett . That is to prate as they occasion take . As each occasion for their purpose make , Occasion good kinde Kate has full enough . To praise hir gossipps fashonable ruffe . Hir gossipp sitts not mumm , but sh●e agen , Lookes on Kates gowne , and much cōmends it then , Or on hir hatt , orelse vpon hir tyre , Commending ( for the fasshon ) hir high wyre . Protesting if hir husband were noe clowne , Shee would ( e're long ) haue such a fashon'd gowne . Hee has enough ( quoth shee ) and then shee weepes , But mee ( Ifaith ( the hogg ) at hard-meat keepes . At which ; hir gossipp Kate comforts hir then , And tells hir there 's noe best amongst these men . T is thought that I quoth shee lead a good life , But Gossipp , gossipp , since I were his wife , God knowes it gossipp ( speake to you I maie ) I haue endur'd manie a stormie daie , And then dus too-kinde Kate a crying fall , At ende of which ▪ shee curseth man-kinde all . Yet faith quoth shee why should wee fre●t at man ? They 'le all be naught , lett vs do● what wee cann . I , quoth hir gossipp , they bee crabby elues , But let ts be wise , & make much of our selu●s . And then the Custardes fetcht to cheare the harte , At eating which , they 'le laugh vntill they — Satire 35. MY ruf-rude penn would women fayne befrend Conld it but finde one worthie to commend It findes but one , my Mistres is that one Else had this barren world afforded none Yet ne're-seene-shee howe shall I sett hir forth ? Containes in hir a treble world of worth . Satire 36. AMbitious girle , why altred I my state ? Howe sowre's my life to what it was of late While I in Cottadge did my selfe containe Poore simple I , knewe nothinge that was vaine Then might I gam som bee with modestie Yet vnsuspected rest , from Ieolosie The Milk-maydes life , oh happ'ire t' is I weene Then is the life to be an Emprours Queene . Satire 37. BEcause madd Girles I knowe what you loue best Out of my loue you see I 'ue gott you prest If there b● faultes escap't , I doe not feare : I knowe with presse-scapt-faultes you vse to beare I loue you Girles , then howe could I doe lesse ? Then putt you ( sin● I loue you ) intooth presse . Satire 38. BY Putting other women intooth presse A kind of loue to them I did expresse Because that most of them are pleased best When by theire loues they most of al are prest But thou my loue : ( my hart is knowne to thee ) By none but by my selfe shalt pressed be All workes I write on thee , ( If there 's noe let ) I will my selfe those workes both print and set Sweet wench , soe styf my loue shall stand to thee As I will sett , prynt , presse and write on thee . Satire 39. WOmen , you terme me Idle : I confess , My Idle workes doth shewe I am noe less But nowe my Idle worke I will laie by To praie you better occupyd ' then I Ill occupid ' I am ; and cause t' is ill Otherwise ( as you bee ) occupyd ' I will. Satire 40. YOu little Dogges , my farr-fetcht merchaundize My sweetest foystes , my thinges of highest prize Harke to the chardge I shall impose on you Not onelie harke , but see the same you doo Such as shall vse you well : Doggs vnto such Be fawninge on ; of them still make you much If anie rates or kickes at you : then harke At them turne you agen , and grynn and bark But see that you with bytinge none assayle Exceptinge those whoo 'd haue you lick the tayle Th●s●●nelie byte : I that place byte a good D●● soe your fanges , as yf they were all blood . Satire 41. CEase whippets nowe , noe more a barkinge keepe Be quiet Dogges , the Ladies will goe sleepe Commit them to theire rest ; and doe yee hatke If pryvate freinds come to them , doe not bark Ava●t you Currs ; commit them to theire ease And scudd yon back to your Antipedes . FINIS . Notes, typically marginal, from the original text Notes for div A01793-e70 * I meane ●oe ●urse