the english rogue continued in the life of meriton latroon, and other extravangants comprehending the most eminent cheats of most trades professions. the second part. licensed feb. . english rogue. part . head, richard, ?- ? approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing h aa estc r this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) the english rogue continued in the life of meriton latroon, and other extravangants comprehending the most eminent cheats of most trades professions. the second part. licensed feb. . english rogue. part . head, richard, ?- ? [ ], , - , [ ], [ ] leaf of plate p. printed for francis kirkman, and are to be sold by william rands in duck-lane, london : . by richard head. a work of fiction based upon his early life. text is continuous despite pagination. running title reads: the english rogue, and other extravagants. reproduction of the original in the british library. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as <gap>s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng rogues and vagabonds -- england -- fiction -- early works to . thieves -- fiction -- early works to . - tcp assigned for keying and markup - spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images - judith siefring sampled and proofread - judith siefring text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the english rogue continued in the life of meriton latroon , and other extravagants : comprehending the most eminent cheats of most trades and professions . the second part. licensed feb. . . london , printed for francis kirkman , and are to be sold by william rands in duck-lane , . a. an east india iunck . b. an indian house flatt and terrasod on the top. c. an indian coach drawne with oxen. d. an indian waggon drawne with oxen. e. persee buriall place . f. banians washing . g. banians worship under greene trees . h. the banians marriages . i. the banians burialls . the english rogue ; continued in the life of meriton latroon and other extravagants part ii. chap. i. he discourses the manner of government , of the inhabitants of the east-indies ; a small voyage by sea , where he is in danger by a tempest , and a malabar man of war , but escapes both ; he makes some rambles into the country , and returning home has some reflections on his fore-passed life . i was now arrived at the meridian of my age , and enjoyed such a plenty of every thing , that i soon forgot the many miseries i had lately suffered , since my banishment from england . i governed my family with a most absolute command , and received a willing obedience aswell from my wife , as all our servants , and during the stay of our english ships , i gained very mu●h by entertaining my country-men with necessaries . i kept so punctual a correspondence with the banian merchants , that i could command any thing ; and by their means found the way of trading , by which i considerably enriched my self so that at the departure of the english fleet , i haveing cast up an account of my estate , found that i had gained above rupees , ( which being the country money , and worth about s. a piece , amounted to l. ) also i had a good parcel of diamonds , besides those i had cheated the banian of at my first arrival ; several other commodities i had by me , which ( with my housholdstuff which was considerable ) did in all amount to a great value . the fleet being departed , the chief of our trading ceased , and now it was vacation time ▪ and i ( hating idleness , and somewhat weary of my wives company ) being desirous of novelty , set out to view the country : to which end taking money with me , and all other necessaries , i hired an indian coach , which is a kind of a chariot with two wheels , and will hold about four persons ; this coach was drawn with two oxen , who will travel about thirty miles a day : my charge was not much for about eighteen pence a day paid my coach-man , and kept his cattel . thus did i ramble about the country , visiting other of my acquaintance , where i had a full enjoyment of every thing the country afforded : for we had notonly the country drink called toddee which is made of the juyce of several trees , and punch vvhich is made of rack-lime , or lime-vva●er , sugar , spice● and sometimes the addition of ambergreese , but vve likevvi●e drank great quantities of persian wine , vvhich is much like claret , and brought from that country in bottles . these vvere our drinks vvherof vve drank plentifully , and oftentimes to excess ; our meat vvas chiefly rice , vvith beans , and turkeys beef and mutton , and sometimes veal and lamb ; this was my ordinary diet , but the banians eat no flesh accounting it criminal , it being contrary to their religion to kill any thing ; the chiefest exercise we had was playing at nine-pins , a game i was well acquainted vvith in england and therefore could vvell enough deal vvith the natives , though they vvere expert there in . though i pleased my self in these things yet there vvas still vvanti●g the only thing which had alvvayes made my life pleasant to me , and that vvas the company of women ▪ for without their pleasing society in a full enjoyment i reckoned i had nothing , and therfore upon eve●y turn found them out ; but i must now be contented vvith the natives , vvho although they are not so fair as the vvomen of our european countries , yet they may pass vvell enough , for their complexions are commonly of a tavvny bievv but they are richly adorned vvith pearl and other jevvels speak of those vvho vvere mercenary . there is no tovvn but hath tvvo or th●ee of these brothel houses , vvhich were allovved of ; neither vvas it any disgrace to be seen ●herein the handsomest vvomen are here : the matron of the house is furnished vvith several , who she purchases sometimes of their own parents , who sell them , not accounting it an injury to d●spose them to this purpose . these old bavvds are as cuning as those of our country , for they will sell a maiden-headtwo or three times over for which they will some times have twenty or thirty rupees , according to the goodness of the comodity , and good will of the purchaser , who shall enjoy his bargain for or days or nights together either at their lodgings , or at home at their own houses ; neither do their wives dare to contradict their husbands therein , for they will oftentimes bring home one of these lasses , and lodge them in a cot in the same room with their wives , and lye with them as often as they please , and when they have done with them send them home again . i try●d several of these bona roba ●s , who pleased me very well for what they wanted in beauty they supplyed in respect and willingness to comply with and plea●e me in all my desires ; and though many times they have the pox , by reason of their heat & activity yet they value it not for they are so well acquainted and furnished with remedies : that they soon cure themselves , and the men who accompany them : my ramble being finished i returned home , and though my wife knew i had been at several of the●e brothels yet i was joyfully received and welcomed by her . we keeping a publick house , had all sorts of guests , and now being at leisure i di●coursed with several of the brammanes who are their priests , who informed me not only of the civil but ecclesiastical government of the nation for though i supposed them heathens , yet i found that they followed a rule in their livings to which they strictly ty'd themselves : they in general gave me this account , that they are governed by a k●ngly monarch , who is called the great mogul he is absolute in his dominions , and all his subjects are his slaves ; all the land and houses throughout his dominions are his own , and the inhabitants or occupiers are only his tenants , and pay a valua●le rent for what they enjoy , which is ●nually collected by officers to that purpose appointed and paid into his exchequer this he bestows at his own pleasure , or spends in making war with his enemies , who are chiefly the tartars , and sometimes the persians ; they have frequently civil wars amongst themselves upon the death of their prince , if he leaves more sons then one behind him ; for he who lastruled , & was father of this present mogul , made his way to the empire by the death of of his brethren he himself being the youngest when he dyed , which is not long since ; of his sons survived him , who all immediately raised great armies either to gain the empire , or lose their lives in general . the youngest having assembled all their well-willers and friends , with considerable armies approached one another , a river now only parting them the eldest of the two dispatched a messenger to his brother , t● tell him that he was very well satisfied in his taking arms and since he was in such readiness if he plea●ed he would joyn forces with him , and assault their elder brother , who being vanquisht they would divide the government . the youngest ●rother willingly assenting to these propositions , came over to him , but no sooner was he in his power , but he caused both his eyes to be put out , ( thereby disenabling him from the gove●nment ) and soon gaining the captains of his brothers army to his party , he joyned forces , & causing his blind brother to be carried with him , advanced to meet and oppose his elder brother , in short time they met , & fought each other with various success , but in fine he conquered his brother ▪ & depriving him of life , as the other of sight he now remains sole monarch of this large empire . the old mogul died infinitely rich , for he left eight tancks of coyned mony , each tanck esteemed to hold ten millions of rupees ; and indeed it is no great marvel , for he hath some of his subjects , especially the banian merchants , that are very rich all whose treasure he will command at his own will there is one banian whose name is vergore , who was the chiefest merchant of his tribe , and hath most of the stocks of his fellows in his hand , to him the great mogul sent for money to which message he sent this answer , that he would presently furnish his highness with a hundred carts loaden with ready money . the mogul hearing this , ordered him ●o keep it till he sent again , or had further occasion the english have great priviledges , for they pay less duties and customes than the natives , for the banian merchants will sometimes hire an english man to go to sea with them in their juncks , which are great barks not to do any service in the voyage , but only to own the goods , that they may save several taxes and duties thatelse must be paid , as anchorage and moorage i one time was asked by a banian of my acquaintance whether i would go to sea with him , and he would give me a considerable recompence , he told me that i should only wear my hat eat my victuals and when we came to our port own the goods ; being desirous of seeing fashions i consented ▪ and our junck being loaden we set sail and departed : but never was i acompanied with such sailers , for the junck ( which is much like a close lighter ) was deeply loaden with ●alli●oes it carried above tun ; the wind being fair , all the tackling was nailed down and fastned , so that when we had been four dayes at sea , the wind contrary to custome changed , but though it began to be tempestuous yet all our men being then at dinner there was none would leave their eating to handle the sails or alter the tackling , dinner being ended , i perswaded them with much adoe to go to workbut it was some hours ere they had loosned their tackling so as to lower their sails , and by that time we were driven out of knowledge ; the winds there are usually so constant , that they never make provisions to handle their sails , and alter them , but commonly as they fix them at their fetting out , so they continue till they come to their port , where instead of an anchor they carry a very great stone , fastned by an iron ring to their cable , which they let down while they stay , but take up when they go away ; and then they alter their sails , fitting them to the wind to bring them back ; they continue in that manner to the end of the voyage . but now it falling out otherwise , great was their trouble , not knowinghow to behave themselves : and although there was forty men on board , and they all well enough acquainted with navigation in those parts , yet i that was but of one years standing was their be●t instructor , or else we had been lost and perished ; most of our sails being now taken down , and the wind ceasing we by the next day came into our knowledge , but met with another misfortune , which was like to prove worse then the former , ●or we discovered a junck though nothing near so big as ours , yet better man'd and was indeed a malabar man of war , and our professed enemy , who are used to infest those seas with their pyracies ; our seamen being sensible of the desperateness of ou● condition ▪ were greatly dismayed but i ( who was formerly used to be dead hearted enough ) did now become valerous , and encouraged them by words and actions , for considering the badness of my condition being likely not only to ●ose what estate i had lately gathered , but at least wise my liberty , and it may be my life , ( for many of these malabars do kill & feed on their prisoners ) these considerations i say possessed me with so much courage , that i was resolved to try my utmost power to defend my self from my enemies ; we were by chance accompanied by ten moors called rashpoots , who being always brought up in wars , never go unarmed ; these persons being more couragious then the rest , by my example , put themselves into a posture of defence , and the other seamen had swords and other weapons put into their hands , to keep the enemy from boarding us : we had eight great guns in our junck , which were carried more for ornament then use , for they knew not how to discharge them against an enemy to advantage ( they being a well as their tackling and sails , fixed to one place ) only served to be shot off in triumph , and make a noise , but would not be well levelled to carry a bullet to do execution . i seeing this inconvenience , took such order therein that the guns were placed so as to dammage our enemy , who now approaching us , came close up towards us , but he found a hotter entertainment then he expected , for we killed several of his men with our ●irst broad side ; the only weapons our enemies had were great stones which they threw at us in abundance ; but we having again charged our great guns , and all the small ones we had aboard , gave them such a peal as was the funeral knel to many of them ; by this time they were discouraged , and our men seeing the good success we had came all in sight and every one taking a great stone , which had been thrown to us by the enemy , gave them such an onset with the stones as now made them to think of giving over their enterprize , which we compelled them to do , so soon as we had given them another broad-side , and once more discharged all our small guns ▪ thi● gave them so generall a blow that they vered about and let us to prosecute our voyage . our enemies being gone , i called all our men together to see what damage we had sustained , and upon enquiry found that we had n●t lost a man : but about half a dozen broken heads and faces was all the harm we had received . i was generally applauded for my courage , and the chief owner of the goods not only rendred me infinite thanks , but promised me a great reward , which was justly paid me at the end of our voyage : i told them that i much wondred at the manner of o●r enemies fight but i received this answer , that they seldome used any other weapons t●en stones , which they carried in great plenty , trusting to them and their great numbers , for the bark that set upon us had above a hundred men in her , and would have certainly taken us , had i not made so good a fight with our guns which was a thing unusual for them to meet with not suspecting that we could make any use of them , otherwise then to shoot upright as was usual , but they found the contrary to their cost : for i suppose we had the good fortune to kill ●everal of them which so disheartned them , that they left us as i told you : and thus we meeting with no more ob●truction , in two moneths time finished our voyage , and returned home , where i received rupees as a recompence for my good service . i was joyfully received at home by my wife and acquired a very good esteem of all by t●is my valerous exploit , and had many advantageous offers to go again on the same account ; but i valuing my pleasure more then profit , which was hazardous declined the propo●itions , and now rested my self at home only making some excursions to visit the best of my friends who failed not to welcome me , the honestest women to whom i made my self welcome sometimes . i travelled to the adjacent towns where i visited the pleasant gardens , and other times i went further to the cities which being well built with brick , had pleasant platformes or terrets on the top ; many of the cities were walled and fortifyed with castles for their defence : i seldome went without a couple of attendants which are called puisn's who were my daily servants ▪ these were a sort of banians who served me for four shillings a month a peice , and out of that found themselves diet , unless they travelled far from home , and then i allowed each of them all out three half pence a peice per day to buy them victuals and drink , which was only cutkeree butters toddee with which they vvere very well satisfied , neither indeed doth the consul give much more to his serviters , for his chief puisn hath but twelve shillings per month ; and out of that he keeps a horse and a servant to attend him . they are very dilligent and faithf●l in what they are intrusted with , but so soon as they perceive a new moon they tell their master of it that they may pay them their wages . having now satisfied my curiosity in these travels , and being returned home i began to consider with my self my fore passed life : then it was i did run over those several accidents that had formerly befallen me . a● first how i committed rogueries , when but a boy and ran away from my mother ( of whom i had never since so much as heard or enquired ) i had some reflections thereupon and what my mother might judge was become of me : then did i call to mind the rogueries i committed , when among the gypsies and beggars , and how with them i first tryed and tasted the pleasure of a female companion , from that my apprentiship and the several adventures i had , and pleasant nights lodgings i enjoyed not only with the maid but the mistress : how after the maid whom i had gotten with child was delivered , i dispatcht her and child to virginia , and soon after by mine and my mistresses extravagancies sent my master first to prison , and so out of the world my mistress her self not long surviving him : being then a freeman i married , but was justly enough fitted for my disloyalty by my wives incontinency which with my own prodigality soon consumed me , enforcing me to leave england for ireland , which being my first great remove , i seriously reflected on , not knowing where i should end my days , i being now far distant from the place of my nativity but i bethinking my self that my only livelyhood depended there in my vital strength , not that i was exposed to carry burdens or labour in the day time , but in the night in venerial combats , where i received equal pleasure : and indeed i having run through the whole course of my life , found that by the favourable a●d goood opinion of women ( which was not undeserved ) i had not only preserved my self , but many times raised my self a sufficient fortune : as i had lately done by marrying with my moerish wife , in which present condition i concluded my self much better then when i was in ireland tyed to my old woman , who only paid me and gave me mony according to the service i did her , and was then again old and peevish , and above all things very jealous ; whereas now i was my own pay-master , and though my bed-fellow was not fair , yet she was young and pleasant and so far from jealousie , that she her self sometimes would procure me a you●g girl , the fairest in the country to lye with me , and she also lying by me , and taking much pleasure therein . then did i proceed in the thoughts of my former life , and considered the many dangers i under went all the time i followed my padding employment ▪ and though i then u●ually wore money enough in my pocket , and sometimes met with some female adventures , as the farmers daughter , the poetick widdow , and my female robbers and others in whose converse i took much pleasure , yet i ●as in all these pleasures still accompanied with fear of being snapt , as indeed i was at last and likely to be trus't up : but that my penitence wrought so upon my friends as to procure my sentence of death , to be altred into that of banishment : which had through many miseries and cross adventures brought me hither , where i received the full enjoyment of all things : this consideration took me up much t●me , and possessed me with some virtuous thoughts , believing that i had not been preserved and reserved from so many hazards but for some good end , and now i had a fair opportunity of declining vice , and living vertuously , i not being likely to be expo●ed to any such rogui●h shifts or courses as formerly , these thoughts of vertue made way for those of religion , and now it was that i seriously considered of that word in genes al , and being ( ●hough little practised in ) yet well enough acquainted with t●e chr●stian religion , i wondred at the a●surdity of t●e religion of other nations , especially of the cou●t●y wherein i now lived , and having been curious in enquiry of the grounds thereof , i had received a good-account , though little satisfaction ; but since it is a novelty , and may well enough ●uit with the following discourse which will consist of several and variety of knaveries and cheatings , whereof i suppose this of this countries religion m●y very well bear a part : i shall give you a sho●t account thereof in this following chapter . chap. ii. the original religion and worship of the banians persees , with all their casts and tribes . this large part of the world which is governed by the great mogul , is inhabited by these three sort of people , banians , moor-men or rashpoots , and persees : the several religions or worships of the first and last , viz. the banians and persees , i shall here give you an account of : but for the moors or rashpoots , they have little esteem ●or any religion in particular , and being ●or the most part souldiers , are of the great moguls religion , which is partly mahometan : i shall therefore begin with the banians , who believe in one god , & that he created the world out of nothing , & that after this manner : first he having the elements of air , earth , fire & water for a ground-work , by some great cane or such like instruments : blew upon the waters which arose into a bubble of a round form like an egg , which spreading it self made the firmament so clear and transparent , which now compasseth the world about , after this there remaining true liquid substance in the earth , god made of both these together a thing round like a ball , which is called the lower world the more solid part became earth , the liquid sea , both which making one glob : he by a great noise or huming sound placed them in the midst of the firmament , there he created the sun and moon to distinguish times and seasons , and the four elements which were before mixed , , were now separated and assigned to their several places , and discharged their several officies the air filled up the empty parts , the fire nourished with heat , the earth and sea brought forth their living creatures , and then was the world created , and as it had its beginning from four elements , so it was measured by four points : as east , west , north and south , and was to be continued for four ages , to be peopled by four casts or sorts of men who were to be married to four sort of women appointed for them . the world being made , man was likewise made out of the earth , god putting into him life , and he worshipping his creator ▪ woman was like-wise made and given to him as a companion , the first mans name was poucous and the womans name was parcontee , and they lived together as man and wife , feeding on the fruits of the earth , not destroying any living creature . these two had four sons called brammon , cuttery , shaddery and wyse , who were of different and distinct nature from each other , for brammon was of an earthly constitution , and therefore melancholly : gutte●y fiery , and therefore martial : shaddery flogmatic , and therefore peaceable : wyse airey , and therefore full of contrivances and inventions , brammon being melancholly and ingenious , god gave him knowledge and appointed him to impart his laws , and therefore gave him a book conteining the form of divine worship and religion ; cuttery being martial had power to govern kingdoms and therefore had a sword given him . shaddery being mild and conversable , it was thought fit that be should be a merchant and tr●ffick , and therefore had a pair of ballances and a bag of waits hung at his girdle : and wyse being aiery , was appointed for a mechanick or handicrafts man , and therefore had a bag of several sorts of tools . these were the first men and these their qualities ( according to the banian tradition ) that peopled the earth , poucous and parcontee had no daughters because the sons should go else where to find them wives which were made for them , and p●aced at the four winds , the four sons being grown up to mans estate were commanded to travel . and , frst bramon with his book in his hand took his journey towards the rising of the sun in the east ; for the place where they were born , and their parents created , was in the middle or navel of the world , the sun at noon-day casting no shaddow . brammon taking his journey , as is said , towards the east , arrived at a goodly mountain , before which was a valley through which there passed a brook ; in the descent of which there appeared a woman a drinking . this woman was of black hair , yellow complexion , of an indifferent size , and a modest aspect , and indeed in every thing made , as if made for her beholder ; who being naked ▪ and seeing her to be so too , was more bashful than the woman who make silence , by questioning the cause of his coming thither . brammon hearing her speak , an● that in his own language , thus reply'd , that the great god who made all things had sent him thither : the woman seeing his book , asked the use of it ; whereupon he opening it , shewed her the contents thereof ▪ and after some other di●course she consented to be married to him , acording to the form prescribed in that book , which being d●ne , they lay together , and had many children who peopled the east part of the world : this womans name was savatree : cuttery the d brother , was sent upon the same account to the west part of the world and taking his sword in his hand , he advanced on his journey , but not meeting with any adventure or occasion to make use thereof , he was much troubled ; desiring , above all things , that he might meet with some people whereon he might exercise his courage : thus impatiently did he proceed on his journey , till he arrived near a high mountain , where he might behould a personage who was walking with a martial pace , and coming nearer , found to be a woman armed with a weapon call'd a chuckery : they were no sooner met , but they encountred , and set upon one another , but though he expected a sudden conquest , yet was he deceived therein , for his adversary held him in play all that day , till night parted them . the next day also they wholly spent in fight ; he gained no advanrage over his female enemy , only at the cloze of the day , he had the fortune to cut her weapon in two , but the night coming on , she escaped from him without any further damage . the next day she was provided vvith bovv and a●rovvs , and then had a great advantage over them because she could wound him at a distance , and he could not hurt her without a close fight ; he being sensible of this odds clozed with her , & by main strength threw her down holding her by the hair of the head ; when having a perfect view of her beauty , instead of an enemy , he became a lover of his beautiful object ; and that he might gain her affections , he threw by his weapons and applyed himself to her in fair speeches , to whi●h she was attentive , and he at length became so prevalent , that they at present plighted troths to one another , and of enemies ; not only at that instant became friends ; but in short time after living together , and nature dictating to them what must be done for the procreation of the like , they tasted the fruit of loves garden , and had many children , who peopled the west part of the world ; this womans name was toddicastree . chuddery the d. son , who was the merchant-man was sent to the north with his ballance and weights , and he after much travel happened on a place where he found pearls , and a rock or mine of diamonds , and believing them ( by reason of their great lustre in the dark ) of some extraordinary value , took some of them with him , and special notice of the place , that he might find it again ; and so proceeding on his journey , came to the place where was the woman that was to be his wife , who was wandring by the si●e of a wood ; she , seeing him , became fearful ; but he coming to her , and giving her good words , won upon her to stay and receive him into her company ; and after an account of his journey , which she concluded was purposely designed to her , because they understood one anothers speech , he bestowed some of his pearls and diamonds upon her ; in time they proving the comforts of the conjoyned joyned state , had several children , who peopled the north part of the world , and became merchantmn : he afterwards travelling with them , shewed them the rock of diamonds ; this womans name was visagundah . wyse , the th . and youngest of the brethren , wen also to the south parts of the world , and carried his tools with him , whereby he was able to build a house , or per●orm any other piece of work needful for the use of man ; he was forced to pass over seven seas , at each place making a vessel and leaving it behind him : the last sea was called pashurbate● , and brought him to a land called derpe , where he built him a house to live in , which he did with much content , till the woman appointed for him came thither to behold the same : she was very amiable and wh●te ; and her hair was powdred with saunders and o●her odours : she first spake to him , demanding how he came thither ; he answered her , that the almighty had sent him and had taken great pains by coming over seven seas to wait on her . she was displeased with his discourse and house telling him that she needed him not ; and notwithstanding all his perswasions , left him : he after wards met her walking in the woods ; but could not prevail with her to continue with him ; but left him much troubled . after this ▪ he being in a profound melancholly , walking abroad , came too parcel of trees , under which he placed himself and there prayed to his creator , that he might not lose his labour , in coming so far to ●ind a woman that would not converse with him : to this prayer he had answer , that his reque●t should be granted , on cond●tion tha● for the future he would erect images , and adore , and worship them under green ●●ees : to this he consented , and at the next meeting he gained the good will of this woman who was named ie●unnogundah , so that she became his wife by whom he had several children that peopled the south . these four brethren being thus dispersed at the several parts of the earth , and having peopled the same , were all desirous of returning to their own country from whence they came ; to see their father and mother , and recount their several adventures to them , and to that end , leaving their children behind , they and their wives travelled so long ▪ till they came to the place ; where they were first joyfully received of their parents , and then of each other ●there they likewise had several other children , begetting several generations , that all the world might be instructed in their several qualities by bramo● in matters of religion , by cuttery in rule and governments , by shuddery in traffick and merchandize , and by wyse in matters of handicrafts ; of which four casts the world consisteth , every one of them living in his several quality , keeping his tribe free from confusion or interfering ; and thus the world was peopled : but in time , multitude begat differen●e and disorder , and mischief , and every person disagreed with the other , every one producing new and various differences , as well in matters of religion and worship , as in all other affairs , when the almighty for the wickedness of mankind sent a flood which came and destroyed all the creatures of the earth ; and this according to the tradition of the banians , was the first age of the world. this world of creatures being destroyed , others were made in this manner : the almighty first made out of the earth these three creatures , breman visteny 〈…〉 to breman he gave the power of making creatures because say the banians , as great persons do not their work but by deputies , so neither was it fit that god should be ●ervile to his creatures , but give to them their being by his instruments to the second ▪ which was vistney , he gave charge to preserve the creatures but to the third , which was ●udde●y , he gave power to destroy them , because he knew they would be wicked , and deserve judgements . breman was to be taken up to heaven in conclusion of the second age . vistney was to live as long aga●n as breman and ruddery was to continue three times as long , and then he should destroy all the world , which should be the great day of judgement . breman according to the power given him , produced man and woman out of his own bowels , who being instructed by him gave worship to god , and reverence to him : the man was by him named mamaw , and the woman ceterrupa they were ent to the east and there they had three sons and three daughters , who were sent severally to the west , north and south , which were peopled by them : thus man being made by breman , vistney provided things necessary for them , and ruddery dispersed afflictions sicknesses and death , as men did deserve them . it was now necessary say the banians , that the law should be given according to which t●ey should live ; and therefore breman being called up into a mountain the almighty gave him out of a cloud a book , which the banians call the shaster , wherein was written their laws ; this book consisted of three tracts . the first , whereof contained their moral law , and an explication or appropriation of the precepts to every several tribe and cast. the second , was their ceremonial law. the third , distinguished them into casts or tribes with peculiar observations for each cast and t●ibe . the first tract of the moral law contained eight commandements . that they should kill no living creature , because like man it ●ad a soul. . that they should make a covenant with their five sences : the eyes not to see evil tkings , the ears not to hear evil things , the tongue not to speak evil , the pallat not to tast , as wine or flesh , the hands not to touch any thing defiled . . that they should duly observe the times of devotion in washing , worship , &c. , that they should not tell false tales to deceive . . that they should be charitable to the poar . . that they should not oppress their poor brethren . . that they should celebrate certain festivals , not pampering the body , but fa●ting and watching , to be fitter for devotion . . that they should not steal , though never so little . these eight are bestowed among the four tribes or casts , to each two commandements : to the brammanes , which are the priests , the first & second , as being strictest in religion . to shuddery they appropriate the third and fourth , as most proper to them . to cuttery the fifth and sixth ▪ and to wys● the seventh and eighth : they are all enjoyned to keep all the commandements ; but more particularly those tha●●re appropriated to their several casts . the second tract of the book delivered to bre●an comprized certain ceremonial injunctions which ●re these . first washing their bodies in rivers , in memory of the deluge , in which they use this ceremony : first they besmear their bodies in the mud of the river , as an emblem of mans filthiness ; and then coming into the water & turning their faces towards the sun the bramman prayes , that as the body which is foul as the mud of the river which is cleansed by the water , so that his sin may be in like manner cleansed ; and then the party plunging himself three times in the river , and shaking in his hand some grains of rice as an offering on the water : he receiveth absolution for his sins past , and is dismissed . . the ceremony of anointing the fore head with red painting , as a peculiar mark which they often renew . . they are enjoyned to tender certain prayers and offerings under green trees , the original of which custom they derive from wyse , to whom they say god appeared in a vision under a tree ; the tree particularly appropriated for this worship ▪ is called fi●u indica , as vide . sr. w. rawleigh , for which tree they have a great esteem . . they are enjoyned prayers in their temples , where they offer to images with ringing and loud tinckling of bells and such like impertinent , services . . they are enjoyned pilgrimage to rivers remote ▪ as ●a●g●s , where they throw in as , offerings , jewels , and treasure of great value . . they use invocation of saints , and for all their affairs they have several saints they invoke for assistance . . there law binds them to give worship to god upon sight of any of his creatures first seen after sun rise , especially to the sun and moon , which they call the two eyes of god , as al●o to some beasts . . in baptizing children , there is difference in the casts , for the brammanes are extraordinary : the rest of the children are only washt in water , with a short prayer , that god would write good things in the front of the child , all present saying amen . they name the child , putting a red oyntment on the midst of his forehead , and the ceremony is done . but the children of the cast of the brammanes are not only washed with water , but anointed with oyl with these words : oh lord we present unto thee this child , born of a holy tribe , anointed with oyl , and cleansed with water ; unto which they add other ceremonies , then they enquire the exact time of the childs birth , and calculate his nativity , which they keep by them and give them at the day of their marriage . . as for their marriages , their time is different from other nations , for they marry at years of age , they are usually contracted by their parents ; which being agreed on they send presents , and use many triumphant preambulations about the town for two dayes ; and then at the going down of the sun they use this ceremony . a fire is made and interposed between the young couple , to imitate the ardency of their affections ; then there is a silken string that encloses both their bodies , to witness the insolveable bond of wedlock ; after this bond , there is a cloth interposed betwixt them , a custom taken from the meeting of brammon and savatre , who covered themselves till the words of matrimony were uttered , so the brammanes pronouncing certain words , enjoyning the man to provide for the woman , and her to loyalty and pronouncing the blessing of a fruitful issue the speech is concluded ; the cloth interposed , is taken away ; the bond which ingirted them unloosed ; full freedom is given them to communicate with one another ; they give no dowry , only the jewels worn on the bridal day ; none come to the feast , but those of the same tribe or cast : no woman is admitted to second marriage ; except the tribe of wyse ; which are the handicraf●s men in all tribes may marry twice except the bramanes every tribe marries in their own casts , and the tribe of the wyse not only marry in their own tribe , but in their own trade : as a barber or smiths son must marry a barber or smiths daughter of the same tribe . . which is the last , is the cerimony of their burials , when any is sick to death ▪ they enjoyn him to utter narrane ▪ which is one of the names of god importing mercy to sinners ; they pour fair water into his hand , praying to kistnetuppon , the god of the water , to present him pure to god , he being dead , his body is washed , & after buried in this manner , they carry the body to a rivers side & being set down , the brammane uttereth these words . oh earth ! we commend unto thee this our brother , whilst he lived thou hadst an inte●est in him , of the earth he was made , by the blessing of the earth he was fed , and therefore now he is dead , we surrender him to thee : after this putting combustible matter to the body , lighted by the help of sweet oyl , the brammane saith , oh fire , whilst he lived then hadst a claim in him , by whose natural heat he subsisted , we return therefore his body to thee that thou shouldst purge it . then the son of the deceased set two pots , one with water , and the other with milk on the ground the pot o● milk on the top of the other and with a stone breaks the pot of water whereby the water and milk are both spoiled ; upon which account the son thus moralizeth , that as the stone makes the vessels yeild , so did sickness ruin his fathers body , which is then burnt to ashes , which are thrown into the air , the brammane uttering these words , oh air , whilst he lived by thee he breathed , and now having breathed his last , we yeild him to thee . the ashes falling on the water , the brammane saith , oh wate● , whilst he lived , thy moysture did sustain him , a●d now his body is dispersed , take thy part in him . this being done , the brammane reads ( to the son or nearest of kin to the deceased ) the law of mourners , that for ten days he must eat no beetle , nor oyl his head , nor put on clean cloaths , but once a month make a feast , and visit the river whose water drank up his fathers ashes . besides this , there was a custom which is brought into a law , for the wives of the deceased to accompany their husbands in death , by burning themselves with his body ; & this is still used among persons of greatest worth , the women voluntary exposing their bodies to the flames . and this is the sum of the second tract of the book delivered to breman . the third tract consisteth of their being dis●inguished into casts and tribes , with peculiar observations for e●ch . the brammanes being first , have their name either of brammon , who was the first of that tribe ; or else from breman , who was the first of the second age to whom the law was delivered , of which there are two sorts , the common , and the more special ; the common brammane hath eighty two casts or tribes , which are distinguished by the names of the places of their first habitations . these discharge the ministerial function , in praying and reading their law to the people , in which they use a kind of minical fantastical gesture , and a singing tone . they are first received into that order at seven years of age , using the ceremony of washing and shaving their heads , only leaving one lock ; they are bound to a pythagorean silence , and prohibited haulking , spitting or coughing , wearing about there loins a girdle of an antilopes skin , and another thong of the same about their neck , descending under the left arm : at fourteen years of age they are admitted to be brammanes ; exchanging those leather thongs for four sealing threads that come over the right shoulder , and under the right arm , which they sleep withal , in honour of god and the three persons ; they are , enjoyned to keep all things in the brammanes law. the more special sort of brammanes are of the cast of the shuderys or merchant-man , who for devotion take this condition ; he wears a woollen garment of white , reaching down to the middle of the thigh , the rest is naked : his head is always uncovered ; they do not shave , but pluck off all the hair from their heads and beards , leaving only one lock . there are several casts of these , that live more strictly then the rest ; for these never marry , are very moderate in their dyet , and drink nothing but water boiled , that so the vapour , which they suppose to be life , may go out ; they sweep away and disperse their dung , lest it should generate worms that may hav● life , and be destroyed , they keep an hospital of lame and maimed flying fowl , which they redeem with a price ▪ they have all things common , but place no faith in outward washings , but ra●her imbrace a careless and sordid nastine●s . the second tribe or cast was cutteryes , who had their name from cuttery , the second son of ponrous , who having dominion and rule committed to him ▪ therefore all souldiers and kings are said to be of his tri●e . that particular of bremans book that concerned this cast , contained certain precepts of goverment and policy , which being of common import , i chose to omit , and shall only tell you that in their flourishing estate they were the antient kings of india , especially of that part that is called guzzarat , and were called by the name of racab● , which signifies a king ; they are said to have thirty six tribes , and none were admitted to rule or govern but out of these tribes . but in time these r●cabs were most of them put from the goverment , and destroyed by the mahometans , who oppressed them , some of them ●till remain , and are called rashpoots ; which i have before named ; some are as yet unconquered , and sometimes fight with and against the great mogul . the third son of ponrous being called shuddery , and merchandizing being appointed him , all merchants therefore are comprized under this name . the particular of bremans book that concerned this cast , was a seminary of religious advertizement , enjoyning them to truths in their words and dealings these are they that are most properly called banians , which name signifies a harmless people , that will not endure to see a fly , or worm , or any living thing to be injured , and being themselves strucken , bear it patiently without resistance , they are equal in number of their casts to the brammanes , and being like to them , do more strictly follow their injunctions . their form and contract in buying and selling is something notable ; for the broker that beateth the price with him that selleth , looseth his pamerin that is folded about his wast , and spreading it upon his knee , with hands folded underneath , by their fingers ends the price of pounds , shillings or pence is fixed , as the chapman is intended to give : the seller in like manner intimateth how much he purposes to have ; which silent composition their law enjoyneth . lastly , as the son of ponrous was called wyse and was ma●ter of merchants or handicrafts so all handicrafts are of that tribe . the directions that were in bremans book for these , were touching their behaviours in their callings : the name wyse signifies one that is servile or instrumentary , these people are now commonly called gentiles , which are of two sorts ; first , the purer gentile , such as dyet them●elves as the banians , not eating flesh , fish or wine , and the impure eat of all sorts , and are commonly h●sbandmen , and u●ually called coulees . those of the purer sort have thirty six ca●ts , according to the number of the trade practised among them , in which they make as few instruments serve for the effecting of divers works , as may be ; and whatever they do is contrary to the christian form of working , for the most part . ●his is the substance of the third tract of the book delivered to breman ▪ concerning the manner of the four tribes . this book was by breman communicated to the brammanes to be published to the people , who did give a●solute obedience to these injunctions , but in time , fraud , violence and all manner of wickedness being committed , god grew angry , and acquainted breman that he would destroy the world : who acquainted the people herewith but to little purpose for soon after they fell to their wickedness , and god took breman up into his bosom who had interceeded for mankind : then also vistney ( whose nature and office it was to p●e●erve the people ) did interceed , but god would not be pacified , but gave charge to ruddery ( whose office it was to destroy ) to cause the bowels of the earth to send out a wind to sweep the nations as the dust from the face of the earth : this command was accordingly executed , and all people were destroyed , saving a few that god permitted vis●ney to cover with the skirts of his preservation , reserved to propagate mankind in the third age , and so this age concluded . the wickedness and ill government of the kings and rulers , being the chief cause of destroying the last age : therefore all those of cutteries tribe were all destroyed . now because it was necessary that there should be some of tha● cast as well as others , wherefore god raised that tribe again out of the cast of the bramanes : the name of him who renewed & raised this tribe was called ram , who was a good king and lived piously , but his successors did not so ▪ but committed so much wickedness that god again destroyed the world , ●y the opening of the earth ▪ which swallowed up all mankind , ●ut a few of the four tribes who were left to new people the world again , and this was the conclusion of the third age. at the beginning of t●e fourth age , there was one kistney , a famous ruler , and pious king , who wonder●ully promoted religion ▪ vistney was now taken ●p into heaven , there being no further need of his preservation , ●or when this age is concluded , there shall be a full end of all things . the brammanes suppose this age shall be longer then any of the rest in the end whereof ruddery shall be taken ●p into heaven : these four ages they call by these four names , curtain , duauper , tetrajoo and ko●ee , they hold the manner of these last judgements shall be by fire when all shall be destroyed , and so the four ages of the world shall be destroyed by the four elements . and then shall ruddery carry up the souls of all people to heaven with him , to rest in gods bosom , but the bodyes shall all perish : so that they believe not the resurrection ; for they say heaven being a place that is pure , they hold it cannot be capable of such gross substances . this is the sum of the banians religion , wherein you find much of fancy and conceit as to make it be so antient , and the number four to be used so often , as you have heard the meaning of the three creatures , i suppose alludes to the trinity ; but instead of a confirmation and proof of a trinity , they would make a quaternity thereof ; in the name , i suppose , they ( as well as other nations who differ from us in religion ) had read over our bible , and supposing that but fictions , were resolved to make a law of their own , to be somewhat like that of ours ; which how they have done you have already heard : i shall now likewise give you a brief account of the religion used by the persees , and so put an end to this chapter . these persees are a people discended from the antient persians , who lived in much splendor , but wars coming among them , they were dissipated , and the mah●m●tans who invaded them , compelled several to leave their antient religion for that of the mahometan : which they refusing exposed themselves to a voluntary banishment , and therefore carried what of their substanee they could with them : they sought for a new pla●e of habitation , and at length found it in this country , where they now inhabit , being admitted ●o use their own religion , but yielding themselves in subjection to the government of the nation , and paying homage and t●ibute , their religion being different from the rest of the inhabitants , i shall thus describe to you . th●● affirm that before any thing was , there was a god , who made the heavens , and the earth and all things therein conteined : at six times or labours , and between each labour , ●e rested five dayes , first , he made the heavens with their orbs adorned with great lights and lesser , as the sun , moon and stars , also the angels whom he placed in their several orders , according to their dignities , which place he ordained to be for the habitations of such as should live holy in this life ; this being done , he rested five days . then he made hell in the lower parts of the world , from which he banished all light and comfort wherein were several mansions that exce●ded each other in dolour , propo●tioned for the degrees of offenders ; about which time lucifer the chief of angels , with other of his order ▪ conspiring against god , to agin the sover●ignty and command over all ; god threw him first from the orb of his happine●s , together with his confederates and complices , damned him to hell , the ●lace that was made for offenders and turn'd them from their glorious shapes , into shapes black , ugly and deformed , till the end of the world , when all o●fenders shall receive punishment , this was the second labour , after this god created the earth and waters , making this world like a ball , in that admirable manner that now it is ; this was the third labour . the fourth was to make the trees and herbs ; the fifth was to make beasts , fowles and fishes ; and the sixth and last , man and woman , whose names were adamah and evah and by these the world was propagated in this manner ; god , as they affirm , did cause evah to bring forth two twins every day for a thousand years together , and none dyed lucifer being malicious , and endeavouring to do mischief , god set certain supervisors over his creatures ; hamull had charge of the heavens , acob of the angels , foder of the sun , moon and stars , soreb of the earth , josah of the waters ; sumbolah of the bea●●s of the field , daloo of the fish of the sea , rocan of the tree , cooz of man and woman , and settan and asud were guardians of lucifer and other evil spirits who for all that did some mischief , the ●ins of men occasioned the destruction of the world by a flood which spared only a few to people the earth , which was done accordingly ; and this is their opinion o● the creation a●d first age. as to their religion , it was given them by a law-giver , whose name was zerto●st whose birth was strange , and breeding and visions miraculous ; the names of his father and mother were espintaman and do●oo , he was born in china , and great fame going of him when young , the king of that country endeavoured his destruction , but could not bring it to pas● , for those who were sent to destroy him had their sinews shrunk he being twelve or thirteen years of age was taken with a great sickness , the king hearing the●eof sent physitians to destroy him ; but zertoost sensible of their practice , re●u●e● their physick , and fled with his father and mother into persia in his way meeting with rivers he congeal'd them to ice and so went over : he arrived at persia in the time of the reign of k. gustasph it was in that country that at his request to god he being purified , was carried up into heaven , where he heard the almighty speaking as in flames of fire who revealed to him the works of the creation , and what was to come and gave him laws for the better government and e●tablishment of religion : zertoost desired to live always , that he might instruct the wo●ld in religion ; but god answered , that if he should live never so long , yet lucifer would do more ●a●m then he should do good ; but if he desired to live long as the world endured he might . god also presented to zertoo●● the seven ages o● times of the persian monarchy ; the first was the golden age , the d●ys of guiomaras ; second , the silver , the days of fraydhun , third , the brazen , the days of kaykobod , the fourth , the tin , the days of lorasph , fifth , leaden , the days of bahaman , sixth , the steel ; the days of darah segner ; the seventh , the iron age , in the reign of yesdegerd : he finding by this that the times would be worse and worse , desired to live no longer than till he had discharged his message and then that he might be translated to the same place of glory ; so he was reduced to his proper sense , and remained in heaven many days ; and then having received the book of the law , and the heavenly fire , he was conveyed by an angel to earth agai● . but the angel had no sooner left him , but lucifer met him ; but notwithstanding his perswasions , he went on in his designs of revealing the law , which he did first to his father and mother , and by their means it came to the ears of gustasph , then king of persia , who sending for him , he told the king every circumstance , so that the king began to incline to his religion , often sending for , and conversing with him . the churchmen of that time endeavoured to put infamy upon zerto●st , by perswading the king , that he was an impostor , and of unclean living , for that he ●ad the bones of humane bodies under his bed , the king hearing this sent to search , and found it so to be , for these churchmen had caused them to be conveyed thither ; wherefore zertoost , by order of the king was put in prison : but there happened an occasion , that he was not only soon released , but also brought into the kings favour ; for the king having a horse that he prized , that fell sick , and no person able to cure him , zeroost undertook the cure , and performed it ; and working some other miracles , was now of good credit , and esteemed as a man come f●om god ; so that now his book gained an esteem , and the king himself told him , that if he would grant him four demands , he would believe his law , and be a professor thereof . the demands were these ; first , that he might ascend to heaven , and descend when he list . secondly , that he might know what god would do at present , and in time to come . thirdly , that he might never dye . fourthly , that no instrument whatso●ver might have power to wound or hurt him . zertoost did consent that all this might ●e done , but not by one person ; and therefore to the first , gustasph had power to ascend to , and descend from heaven granted to him . the second , which was to know what would fall out , present and hereafter , was granted to the kings church-man . the third , which was to live for ever , was granted to gustasph's eldest son , named dischuon , who yet lives as they say , at a place in persia , called demawando lohoo , in a high mountain , with a guard of thirty men ; to which place all living creatures are forbidden to approach , lest they should live for ever , as they do who abide there the last , which was never to be wounded with instrument or weapon , was granted to the youngest son of gvstasph , called esplandiar . so gustasph , and the other three mentioned , proving the power of these several gifts , all determined to live according to the precepts in zertoosts book , he unfolding the contents thereof , which were these : this book contained three several tracts , the first whereof was of judicial astrology ; the second was of physick ; the third , was called zertoost , and this was of matters of religion : and these three tracts were delivered to the magis , physitians and church-men , called darooes , the●e tracts were divided into chapters , seven were in the wisemen or iesopps book , seven in the physitians , and seven in the darooes book ; the two first is unlawful or unnecessary , i shall omit it , and proceed to the third . the dicision of men being laity and clergy ; and those of the clergy being ordinary or extraordinary , it pleased god , say the persees to divide and apportion his law among these men first , therefore , to the lay-man god gave five commandments : . to have shame over them , as a remedy against sin for that will keep them from oppressing his inferiours , from stealing , from being drunk , and from bearing false witness . . to have fear alwayes present , that they might not commit sin . . when they go about any thing , to think whether it be good or bad so to do it or to let it alone . . that the sight of god●s creatures , in the morning , put them in mind to give god thanks for them . that when they pray by day , they turn their faces towards the sun ; and by night towards the moon . these are the precepts enjoyned the lay-men , those of the common church-man follow , who are bound to keep , not only these appropriated to him ; but the proceeding precepts . . to pray after the manner is described in the zundavestaw , for god is best pleased with that form . . to keep his eyes from coveting any thing that is anothers . . to have a great care to speak the truth alwayes because lucifer is the father of falshood . . to meddle with no bodies business but his own , and not meddle with the things of the world , for the lay-man shall provide all things needful for him . . to learn the zundavestaw by heart ▪ that he may teach the lay-man . . to keep himself pure as from dead carcases , or unclean meats lest he be defiled . . to forgive all injuries , in imitation of god , who daily forgives us . . to teach the common people to pray , to pray with them for any good : and when they come to the place of worship , to joyn in common prayer together . . to give licence for marriage , and to marry men and women , the parents not having power to do it without the consent of the herbood . . to spend the greatest part of their time in the temple , that he may be ready on all occasions . . and last injunction is , upon pai● of damnation , to believe no other law but that of zertoost , and not to add to it , nor diminish it . these are the precepts enjoyned the herbood , the des●oore being the high priest , who commands all the rest , is e●joyned not only these of the laymon or behedin . these of the herbood or churchmen , but more of his own , whi●h are these that follow . . that he must never touch any of a strange caft or sect of what religion soever , nor any layman of his own religion , but he must wash himself . . that he must do all his own work , in token of humility , and for purity , viz. set his own herbs sow his own grain and dress his own meat , unless he have a wife to do it for him . which is not usual . . that he take tyth or tenth of the behedin , as gods due , and despose of it as he th●nks fit . . that he must use no pomp or superfluity , by either give all away in charity , or bestow it in building of temples . . that his house be near the church , where he must retire himself , living recluse in prayer . . that he must live purer then others , both in frequent washings and dyet , and also sequester himself from his wife in time of her pollutions . . that he be learned ▪ and knowing all the several books of zertoost as well the astrological and physical parts ▪ as the other . . that he must never eat and drink excessively . . that he fear no body but god , and sin , and not fear what lucifer can do to him . . that god having given him power in matters of the soul ; therefore when any man sins he may tell him of it , be he never so great ; and every man is to obey him , as one that speaketh not his own cause , but gods. . that he be able to discern in what manner god comes to reveal himself , in what manner lucifer . . that he reveal not what god madifesteth to him by visions . . that he keep an ever-living fire , that never may ●o out , which being kindled by that fire that zertoost brought from heaven , may endure for all ages , till fire shall come to destroy all the world , and that he say his prayers over it . this is a summary of those precepts contained in the book of their law , that zertoost is by them affirmed to bring from heaven , and that religion which guslasph with his followers embraced , perswaded by the afore-mentioned miracles wrought by zertoost amongst them . the d. particular in this tract is the rights and ceremonies observed by this sect , differencing them from others . first , though their law allows them great libe●ty inmeats and drinks ; yet because they will not displease the banians and moors , they abstain from kine and hogs-flesh ; they eat alone , and drink in several cups . . they observe feasts in the year , according to the works of the creation . . as for their fasts , after every one of the●● feasts they eat but one meal a day for days tog●ther ; and when they eat flesh they carry part of ●t to the temple as an offering . their worship of fire is taken from z●rt●●●ts bringing it from heaven , and it being enjoyned them for the nature of it , that which he brought , c●●ld not be extinguished ; whether that be prefer●ed is unknown , but upon effect thereof they are licensed to compose a fire of several mixtures which is o● e●en sorts ; when they meet about that ceremony bestowed on this fire , the defloore or herbood , together with the assembly encompass it about , and ●●andi●g about or foot distance , the de●loore or h●●●ood uttereth this speech . that forasmuch as 〈◊〉 was ●●l●vered to zertoost their law-giver from god ●lmigh●y who pronounced it to be his vertue and excel●●nce , that therefore they should reverence it , and not abuse 〈◊〉 the ordinary use thereof , as to put water in it , or spit in it , &c. at the birth of a child the dacoo or churchman is sent for , who calculates the nativity of the child , and the mother names it without ●ny ceremony ●f●●r this it is carried to the church , and water is p●●r●d thereon , and prayer used , that god would cleanse it from the uncleanness of the father , and menstruous pollutionis of the mother . at years of age he is led by the parents into the church to have confirmation , where he is taught prayers , and instructed in religion and being washed , he is cloathed in a linnen cassock and other habits , which he ordinarily wears and so is admi●ted into their sect. they have a five-fold kind of marriage , for which they have several terms ; the most singular , is that of hiring a mans son or daughter to be matched to their dead daughter or son , with whom they are contracted the ceremony observed in their marriages is performed at midnight , not in the church , but upon a bed , by two church-men , one in behalf of the man , the other in behalf of the woman , who ask if they are willing to be married , and they joyn hands , the man promising to provide for the woman and give her some gold to bind her to him ; and the woman promiseth all she hath is his ; then the churchmen scattering rice , prays that they may be fruitful , and so they conclude , celebrating the marriage feast for days together . as for burial they have two places or tombs , built of a round form , a pretty height from the ground ; within they are paved with stone , in a shelving manner in the midst a hollow pit to receive the consum'd bones about the walls are the shrowded & sheeted carkasses laid both of men and women , exposed to the open air. these tombs are distant from one another ; the one is for good livers , the other for the wicked . when any are sick unto death , the herbood is sent for , who prays in the eares of the sick man ; & when he is dead he is carried on aniron biere ; all who accompany them are interdicted all speech ; only the churchman , when the dody is laid in the burial place , saith thus , thi● our brother whilst he lived consisted of the elements now he is dead let each take his own , earth to earth , air to air water to water , and fire to fire . this done they pray to sertun and asud , that they would keep the devils from their deceased brother when he repairs to their holy fire to purge himself ; for they suppose the soul wandreth three days on the earth , in which time luoifer molesteth it , for security from which molestation , it flyes to their ●ire , seeking preservation here ; which time concluded , it receiveth justice or reward , hell or heaven ; and therefore they for those three days offer up prayers morning noon and night , that god would be merciful to the soul departed , and forgive his sins . after three days are expired they make a festival , and conclude their mourning . chap. iii. the arrival of the english fleet , his entertaining of six engl●sh-men , an account of whose adventures is promised him by one of the company . the travell●r describeth the place of his birth and parents , the death of his elder brother , and how through the perswasions of his father , he resolved to follow thieving . i had now spent several months in my voyage by sea , perambulations by land , and observations of the country in general , and this more particular discovery of the laws and manner both of civil and eccle●iastical of the inhabitants a just account whereof i have given you in the foregoing chapters : and now we daily expected the return of ships from england , and therefore every one provided to be ●urnished with all things necessary against their arrival : the merchants who were re●ident on shore had every day several sorts of commodities brought out of the country in waggons drawn by oxen , so that their store-houses were filled ; and i for my part prov●ded my self with all sorts of liquor and victuals that the country afforded all the time usual the fleet arrived , which cnosisted of ●hips , whereof was on the account of the company , and the th . by their permission , came a● an interloper : those that came on the account of the company were provided with all things necessary , by the order of the consul or president ; and the other ships company being left to shift for themselves , took up my house for their quarters the chief of the company that lodged with me consisted of persons , two whereof seemed to be very hansome young men , of about years of age ; these two were very well respected as well by the captain as the others his companions , they were all very frolick , blith , and merry , and several times laughed at several adventures that had befall'n them during the voyage . though the captain of this ship came not on the companies account , yet he was very richly loaden , and was directed to such persons of this country as would be sure to do his business for him ; neither was he a stranger therein , for he had been here twice before , and was acqu●inted with most of the banians , who are so curious & diligent observers , that if they see a man but once , if he ever return though several years after , yet they will know him again , especially if they have had any trading with them ; and they have so good a conceit of our country-men , that they will oftentimes trust a captain with or l. worth of commodities from one year to another ; only giving them common interest ; and as to their ordinary dealing and bargaining , they are at a word and there is money to be saved by dealing with them , and trusting them , for if you distrust them , then you shall pay so much the more ; if you trust them they will provide your goods as cheap or cheaper than you can your self do it , though never so well experienced therein . i needed not to acquainted our captain with any of their fashions , for he well enough understood it himself ; but i assi●ted him and some of the rest in exchanging their moneys , for the banians allow no more for any silver or gold coin than it weighs ; for it will never go currant there , till it be changed or minted into the coin of that country . four o● my guests , viz. the captain , and three of the rest did employ themselves in looking after the ships unlading , but the other two , who were the youngest ( and there ore , as i thought , fittest to take pains ) did still stay at home in my own house , or else walk out for their recreation ▪ this , and some other things that i observed made me curious in my observations of them in all their actions , suspecting they were either personages of greater quality than ordinary , or that there was some other mistery in the case : but they being as cunning as my self concealed that from me which i since knew , though i tryed them with several speeches and discourses ; in which i thought my self cunning enough ; i observed this , that these two young men never lay together , but sometimes the captain lay with one of them , a●d another persons of his company with the other the greatest part of their business being for the present dispatched ▪ they often-times staid at home and feasted where they drank of great quantities of persia● wine ▪ and other the country drinks , the best i could get for them , they having all drank one time to a good height , and being very merry , the captain asked which was the best house for handsome women now . i enformed him of ●he be●t i knew ▪ but says he , ye have no english girls here , no said i seldom any such bles●ings come into this country we are forced to content our selves with the brown natives : i believe , said the captain , if these two young men , william and george , for such was the names of the two young men i spake of ) were handsomely drest in womens cloaths , they would pass for handsome women . i then of a sudden turning my eyes towards the parties he spake of , saw that their cheeks were dy'd of a vermillion hue , deeper then they had lately been acquired by drinking : this caused me to di●●rust ●omething ; but the rest of the company falling into a kind of a laughter , which i supposed was somewhat force● , they altred their discourse ▪ and began a fresh health to all their friends in englan● , which i pledged them with a very good will , telling them that i had some , whose company i had heartily wished for what are they , said the captain ; sir , sai●● they are such as i believe you love , that is hand●ome women in general ; and of these i had the good fortune to be particularly and intimately acquainted with several . at the ending of this discourse , i was called for down to attend some of my guests who were going , which having done . i agen went up , where i found the captain and the rest in a standing posture , ready likewise to be gone , at which i wondred ▪ but let them take their pleasures : so five or six of my guests left me , and he had gone too had he not been a little fluster'd , and then a sleep . after they were gone several thoughts possest my mind , of what these two youngest persons should be ; and it was long ere i could hit upon the right , but having one person in the house ; with whom i was more intimate than the rest , i resolved to use my utmost interest with him to be satisfied : he in few hours awaked , and would have been gone after his companions ; but i so far prevailed with him , that he lay there that night ; and because i would have the better opportunity for my discourse , i lay with him ; when we were in bed , i told him that i could heartily wish i could accommodate him with a female bedfellow ; he replyed that would do very w●ll , i offered my assistance in procuring the best of our country , but he was cold in his reply ; whereupon i told him , that by that time he had been so long in the country as i had , he would be glad of one of those whom i sometimes made a shift to spend a night with : but continued i , i had rather be ●t mother cr — in moor-fields : are you acquainted there replyed my bedfellow , yes , said i , and at most of those houses of hospitality in or about london , to which colledges i was a good benefactor , why , said my bedfellow you have been right , or else i had never come hither said i : whereupon i acquainted him with many of my rambles about london , and gave him such satisfaction in my discourse that he began to be more free with me ; and then i conjured him to deal truly with me in resolving me one question , to which he promised me , that he would , i having gained thus much upon him : told him that my reque●t was to know what those two young persons were ; which were called william and george : truly said he , you could not have asked me any thing that i should be more unwilling to di●cover then that ; but since i have promised you , i will tell you , and that the truth without any disguise , provided you swear to me , not to discover or take any notice thereof , without my consent , to this i agreed , and having sworn to him he told me , that they were not of those names , nor sex , that they went for , but women , i told him i had long since doubted so much , and now i knew it , i would take no notice thereof : but rather assist then hinder any design wherein there was so much pleasure , for i had been as very a wag as any of them , and had in my time run through as many and various adventures as any man of my age ; he hearing me say so , asked me where i had lived , and the mo●t part of my life , i without any dissembling gave him a short account of my life , which so pleased him , that we spent most part of the night therein , and at my earnest requ●st he promised me that the next day , he would give me an account of his life , and adventures , wherein said he , you will find so many different chances of fortune , as had hardly befallen any man , and i hope said he , i shall be able to give you a good account thereof : for since my coming from england , i have had time to recollect my self of some things that else i had forgotten , but now i have placed the chief passages of my life into such a method , as i shall be very exact in , though i was impatient to hear what he promised me , yet the night being far spent sleep seized on us both for some hour● , but awaking in the morning , and putting him in mind of his promise , after a mornings draught taken and a command that none should interrupt us , he began as follows . i was born in golding la●e , a place scitutate in the suburbs of london , my fathers name was isaac , and by reason of his small stature was commonly c●lled little isaac , being a native of the same place , and by profession a cobler , but such was his courage that he was much troubled when any one called him cobler ▪ and would reply , that he was a translat●r , or a transmographer of shooes . his wife who i believe was my mother , was named vrsula ; she was in the beginning of her days one of those sort of people that we call gipsies , or canting-beggars , and my father travelling into the country , and wanting money to pay for a bed at night , he was forced to take up his lodging in a barn , where he first came to be acquainted with my mother ; whether they were ever married or no , i cannot tell , though i suppose they only took each others words as being willing to save the charge of a priests hire . but notwithstanding the darkness of her complection ( as those sort of people commonly have ) there is not so bad a jill , but there is as bad a jack for it was not long before she hornified my father , by a banbury tinker : which thing was so well known amongst the neighbors , that they would commonly make horns with their fingers , and point at him as he passed along the streets . my eldest brother at seven years of age attained to such ingenuity that he seldom carried ●ome any mended shooes to a gentlemans or citizens house , but he would filch either linnen , silver spoons , or something else of worth , which by negligent servants was not laid up safely ; which trade he drave for some space of time , being by reason of his childish years not in the least suspected ; but the pitcher goes not so often to the well , but at length it coms broken home , in processe of time he was taken with the theft , and for the same caried to newgate , where ●ore little angel ( peace be with him ) he dyed in prison under the penance of a discipling which was applied to him with a little too much rigour : our whole family ●ma●ted in his punishment , my fathert sighed , my mother sobbed , and i wanted my part of those dainty morsels which his theft furnished us withall , for by him my father drave a prett● tra●e , having those who always furnished him with ready money for whatsoever he brought ▪ and indeed his loss ' would have utterly disconsolated my father but the great ●opes that he had in me who was now come to the same age that my brother wa● of when , he first began to exercise his gifts in the mistery of theivery ; and that i might tread the same step tha● my brother had done before me , my father ( upon a certain day when my mother and he and i were alone by our selves ) began thus for to endoctrinate me . my son ( said she ) the profession o● a theif is not of so base repute as the world gives it out , considring what brave men have in former time exercised themselves in this way : i have hard the clark of our parish say , who i assure you was a well read man , that robin hood that famous thief was in his yonger days earl of huntington● & that alexander the great was no better then a th●ef in robbing other princes of their kingdoms and crowns . ( this it seems be spake in vi●dication of the sexton , who used to rob the dead co●ps of their sheets and shirts and those other necess●ries which they carried along with them in their voyage to heaven ) i tell thee he who steals not , knows ●ot how to li●e in this world , nay doth not almost each thing in the world teach u● for to steal ? do ●e not see youth steal upon infancy , manhood steal upon ●outh and old age upon manhood , until at last death stealeth upon us undiscern'd and bringeth us to our long homes ; how doth summer steal on the spring ? autumn on summer , and winter on autumn , until all the whole year is stole out of our sight . pray what do rich farmers and griping cormorants , but steal when they exact in their prices of corn , and grind the faces of the poor ; and how can shop-keepers wipe off the aspersion of theft from themselves when they sell a commodity for twice the worth of it , and thereby cozen the buyer ; so that we see if things be rightly scanned , there be more thieves in the world than only taylors , millers and weavers : and what i pray you makes serjeants , bayliffs , and catch-poles so to envy us , and persecute as they do , but that one trade still envies , and malignes another , and would by their good wills suffer no other thieves but themselves ; this it is that makes them so double diligent in the surprizal of us , though oftentimes our craft forestalls their malice , as i shall instance to you in one memorable example . my self and two of my comrades had agreed to rob a rich userer whose younger brother having vitiously wasted his estate , was forced to take this his brothers house for sanctuary , where he kept as close as a snail in his shell , unless only at such times when as he imagined the darkness of the night might shrewd him in obscurity , he so dreaded these shoulder clappers , who stick closer t● a man than a bur on his cloak for being once got into their clu●ches , you may as soon wring hercules club out of his fist , as get free from there fingers ; and herein have thieves a great priviledge over debtors , for the mos● notorious thief that ever was , once in a months time he is carted out of prison , as others for smaller matters are freed from durance by following the cart , where a fellow with a cat of nine-tails doth play him such a lesson , as makes him to skip and mount for joy of his deliverance ; but wi●h a poor debtor the case is far different for being once in prison , the best team of horses that ever drew in a wagon , cannot draw him out from thence without a silver hook . but to speak of that ( some ) which more properly belongs unto thee ( for i suppose thou wilt never attain to such credit as for to be laid up in prison for de●t● ) by the help of a servant of the house , who went sharers with us in our prey , we got a false key made to the back door , whereby ( one night ) we attained an easie entrance , and loaded our selves to our hearts content ; but in our return one of our companions chanced to sneeze , and therewithal brake wind so violently behind , that it awaked the old userer , who suspitious of the least noise presently cryed out , thieves thieves : trusty roger his man was very ready to rise at first allarm , fearing that our discovery might prove prejudicial to his liberty , and lighting a candle pretended to search every hole in the house into which it was possible for a mouse to enter ; in the mean time we lay close , yet not unperceived by this false servant , who very formally told his ma●ter that all was safe and well , and that he might take his rest without any fear ; but the dread of his hearing us prolonged our stay , so long that day began to approach , whereupon fearing more danger from without than from within , we prepared for our departure , but having opened the door , we found that we had leapt out ●f the frying-pan into the fire , and by shunning scylla were fallen into char●bdes , for four of these catch-poles were waiting at the door for the userers brother , having intelligence belike that he used to make the dusky morning , and dark evening , the two shrouds that car●ied him safely in and out to his brothers house ; now going out of the door first one of these robustious fellows laid hands upon me taking me for the party they waited for , my companions endeavouring to rescue me were seized on by the other three bayliffs , so that we seeing no hopes of escape , resolved to cry whore first , and with full mouth cryed out thieves , thieves ; trusty roger and the man that should have been arrested , hearing this cry , took weapons in their hands and out of doors they came , where roger soon perceiving how the business went , ah you rogues ( said he ) do you come to rob my master ? and thereupon laid so nimbly about him , being seconded by the other , that the bayliffs were glad to let us go to defend themselves . whilst they were thus busied in pelting each other , we slipped away with our prize , and to take a full revenge of those catch-poles , raised several of the neighbours , whom we sent to the apprehending of the bayliffs ; whilst we marched away in safety , what became of them afterwards i do not know only this i tell thee , to let thee see that there is not ●●y danger whatsoever so great , but by wit and cun●●gness may be avoided . this story i heard with ●●eat attention , which so wrought upon my mind ●●t i thought my self no less then a second robin hood 〈◊〉 little iohn , and thereupon resolved to put in speedy ●●ecution my ●athers dictates which yet proved very ●●fortunate to me , as you will find by that which ●●●lows . chap. iv. his robbing of orchards , how he was catcht by a night-spell , the extremity their family was brought unto , and how to relieve it , he robbed a grocer , he cheateth a cutler , afterwards robbeth a bacon-man , his father is prest away for a souldier , his mother ayeth , and he being left alone , goeth to live with an uncle , where he acteth many rogueries . my mind being thus fully fixt to follow thieving i began my trade in robbing of orchards , returning home with laden thighs , the trophies and spoil of cherry-trees , pear-trees , and plumb-trees ▪ my mother instead of correcting me for what i had done , encouraged me to proceed on as i had begun ; for indeed hunger had pinched us sorely ever since my brothers death , my fathers credit being so eclipsed thereby , that until people saw he would mend his life scarce any one would employ him to mend their shoes . one orchard i especially , haunted , it being stor●d with most gallant fruit , whose very looks me thought did cry , come eat me : but so often i frequented the same , especially one tree of more choice fruit than all the rest that the owner of the orchard ( being a rich miserable chuff , and one who knew on which side his bread was butter'd ) began to mistrust the same , and therefore that his apples might not depart away without first taking leave of him , he resolved for the future to prevent the same , and having some little skill in negromancy against my next coming , he inchanted his orchard with a night-spell . this he placed at the four corners of his orchard in the hour of mars , and is of such force being rightly applyed , that whoever comes within the bounds thereof , must be forced to stay there till sun-rising . now i that knew not any thing of what was done , according to my accustomed course , having the dark night for my coverture , boldly entred the orchard , and with winged ●ast ascended upon one of the trees , where having filled a bag with apples which my mother had fu●nished me withal for that purpose , i thought to depart away as formerly i had done , but the case was quite altered from what was before , for i found my self in such a labyrinth that the best clue of my invention could not wind me out ; here did i wander about with my bag on my shoulders ( having not the power in the least to lay it down ) till such time as aurora begun to usher in the day , when the old chuff entred his orchard to see what fish his net had caught , resolving with severity to punish the cains that had stoln away his goods , but instead of a gudgeon finding but a sp●at , beholding my childish years , he could not imagine me to be the authour of so much wrong as he had received and thereupon altering his resolution of breaking arms and leggs as he first intended , he stepped back to his house , and fetched from thence a great burchin rod , the instrument wherewith he intended to chastise me withal , with much silence he approached unto me ; ( for a words speaking would dissolve the charm ) and having with some strugling untrust my breeches , laying me over his knee , he began to exercise the office of a pedagogue upon me ; now i having for some space of time before eaten nothing but green fruit , had gotten a terrible looseness , which with the fright that i was in , and the smart that i felt , wrought such effects in my belly , that opening my posteriors , i discharged a whole volley of excrements in his face . this action of mine made him at once to shut his eyes , open his mouth ▪ and unloose his hands , so that the charm being broken , and my body at liberty , i quickly conveyed my self out of the orchard , leaving the old catterpillar in a very stinking condition , not to be remedied without the benefit of that cleansing element of water . warned by this disa●ter , i was very fearful to enter into any more orchards , and indeed had i met no remora in my proceedings , yet this trade would soon have failed ; for not long after the apples were all transplanted out of the orchard into the cellar , and winter began to hasten on apace . and now hunger which vvill not be treated vvithal vvithout bread began to reign lord and king in our family ; the chandler vvould let us have no more cheese for chalk , nor ●enny loaves for round o's , we had made a black poast white already with our score , and his belief vvould extend no further to trust us for any more : nay ▪ the very ale-house-keeper ( to vvhom we vvere such constant customers ) vvas novv grovvn such a nullifidian , that he vvould not believe us for small-beer , vvherefore vve vvere forced to make a vertue of necessity , and to prevent starving , our houshold goods marched avvay one after another ; the first thing t●at vve sold vvas the cupboard as the most unnecessary thing in all the house , having no victuals to put therein ; soon after follovved the table as an appendix to it , for seeing the table vvill hold no victuals thereon for us to eat , we in revenge thereof did eat up the table ; that with some joynt-stools belonging to it ) being de●●oured and gone , our stomacks were so hot that it soon melted away the pewter dishe● ; for we considered with our selves that good meat might be eaten out of wooden platters then followed the napkins and table-cloathes , for we were not so much cloyed with fat meat but that a little linnen would serve to wipe the greace off of our fingers ; in fine this pinching hunger was the habeas corpus that removed all our goods out of the hou●e unto the brokers , and now our dwel●ing place corresponded with our bellies , being alike both empty in this comfortle●s condition we remained for the space of three days , having neither money nor any thing to make money of being thus sadly necessitated , my father and i set our wits upon the tenter-hooks which way to recruit our decayed estate , many inventions we had for t●at purpose , and present necessity urged us to make a speedy use of one of them which not long after we brought to pass in this manner . it being then winter time , the evenings long and dark , we bought a link for three pence , the remainder of our whole estate ; with this about ten of the clock in the night we marc●ed out , resolving to fasten on the fairest opportunity that should present its self to our sight ▪ many streets we traversed , but found not any thing that might answer either our intent or expectation . coming at last to basing-lane and casting our wandring eyes into a shop we there e●pyed a grocer telling of money on a ●ounter , being lighted only by a single candle ; this made for our purpose , whereupon my 〈◊〉 planting himself , i boldly entered the shop , desiring him to give me leave to light my link ; which being granted i with the same soon popt out his candle snatching up a handful of mone● ran out of the doors with the same as fast as i could ; the grocer hasted after me amain , in the mean time my father stept into the shop , and took away the remainder of the money . my nimbleness had soon out stripped the grocer , who returned back , found that the devil migh dance upon his counter for there was never a cross to keep him from it . about an hour after we met together at home , where having counted our purchase , we found that it amounted to seven pounds eighteen shillings and six pence so long as this money lasted , the pot , the spit ▪ and pitcher was never idle ; but what was thus got over the devils back was soon spent under his belly , and ●n a short time we were reduced to as great want as we were in before . necessity is the best whetstone to sharpen the edge of a mans invention , when the gutts being to grumble against the belly for want of food , oh in what a confusion is then this little microcosme of ours ? how is the invention rack'd , tortur●d and stretched forth to supply that defect , my hungry belly found this to be too true , which made me set my wits on work for a speedy remedy ; a project quickly came into my head but to effect the same i wanted money ; this was a double task for me to do , but a willing mind overcomes all difficulties , away went i to a cut●ers , where in the cheaping of one knife , i stole another , and lest the cutler should mistr●st me , i came up to his price , but pretended i had forgotten my money , and therefore must go home & fetch it this stollen knife i sold for a great , which money i intended for a bait to catch a bigger fish some few streets i traversed before my project would fasten , at last coming to warwick-lane i saw in a bacon-shop a fellow standing in a pocket blew apron whose innocent looks gave me confident hopes of a golden prize , in i went and asked him the price of a pound of bacon ? six pence boy said he of the rib , and four pence of the gammo● ; then give me a pound of the gammon ( said i and here is a ●roat the whole estate of a poor boy who hath been a long time in getting the same . whilst he was weighing it i told him i had a curst mother in la● , who fed me only with a bit and a knock , which made me to go with an empty belly and an heart full of sorrow , that if she should know that i am in possession of so eatable a commodity , she would take it from me , and that she did often search my pockets for that purpose : i therefore desired him to prevent the worst that might happen , to put the same down my back betwixt my doublet and shirt , which whilst he was doing , i leaning my head against him , with a short knife cut the pocket out of his apron , and having thanked him very kindly away i went , leaving my poor bacon-man with a bottomless pennyless pocket my purchased prize was about thirty shillings , of which some four of it was in brass farthings , but all was currant coyn that came into my hands , for i made no scruple at all in the receiv●ng it ; with this ● returned home , thinking to be received with much joy , as having gotten that in my pocket which would make us all merry , but the case was quite altered from what was before , my mother was on a sudden fallen sick , my father pressed for a soldier , and hurried away . this much abated the edge of my mirth but my years not being capable of much sorrow , although thou●h my mothers death ensued not long after , yet it was soon over , and ●ndeed her outward condition was so deplorable , it had been ●lmost impiety to have wished her longer life . now though my cond●tion was bad enough before , yet by my mothers death it was much worse , i was now left to the wide world friendless , monyless , and pittyless , for not any one of the neighbors would give me entertainment , expecting no good fruit from the sciens of such a bad stock . to follow my trade of thieving i began to d●ead , for every line , rope , and halter that i saw , me thoughts did admonish me to leave it off , for fear i came home short at last , and to follow the occupation of begging was then a ●ery bad time to begin in , it being about th● depth of winter : at last i remembred my mother had a brother a barber-chyrurgion , living in st. martins ; thither i went , acquainted him vvith his sisters death my own sad condition , and what a boy i vvould prove if it vvould please him to give me ente●tainment ; he being ignorant o● the trade tha● i drove , and moved vvith compassion at my pittiful tale , told me if i performed vvhat i promised , i should not vvant for any thing he could assist me in ; hereupon i vvas had into the house , and though my aunt scovvled on me , my uncle commanded my raggs to be taken off ▪ and a suit of one of my cousins p●t upon me , as being the more durable , although my own were a thousand strong . having thus with the snake cast my skin , attained to good diet and lodging , i quickly began to be as brisk as a body lowse , and to vapour amongst the boys like a crovv in a gutter , and ( notvvithstanding my promise ) my mind vvas novv vvholly fixt upon roguery , but in a lovver orb than what i pra●tised before , tending rather to mirth then much mischief ; to do this i had several in●entions according as time and place were convenient ; one of my first exploits was but being sent of an errant to a grocers shop in a froscy morni●g , where a pan of coals to warme their fingers i secretly convayed therein some guinney-peper , which set the prentice in such a vilent coughing fit they were not able to speak to a cu●tomer , their mistress hearing this noise below , came running down stairs where scenting the matter , she begen to speak aloud at both ends , and being something laxative by dri●king of sider , she bewrayed in what a condition she was in by what was scattered on the flour . sometimes would i in a clean place where wenches were to pass , lay a trane of gun-pouder , and at the very instant that they went along set fire ●o it which was a great pleasure to my worship to see ho● the poor girles would skip and leap , just like a horse when he hath a netle under his tayle . at other times in the night would i tye a ●ine from one side of the street to the other about half a foot high , whereby those that came next were sure to h●ve a fall nay i could not forbeare to act my rogueries in the church it self haveing goo●e quills ● led with lice and fleas , which i would purchase of the beggars for broken meat ; these would i blow into the necks of the daintiest gentle women that i could see . at other times would i with a needle and thred ( ●hich i alwayes carried about with me in my p●cket ) ●ow mens cloaks and womens gownes together as they stood in the crowd , so that when they went a way , there would be such pulling of one another , that they would never leave until one of there garments had a peice of it rent out amongst other instruments of mischief where-with i exercised my self , one was a hallow trunck to shoot with , in which i was such an artist that i seldom mist hitting the mark i aimed at ; and that i might be the better undiscovered i on purpose brake a hole in the glass window , through which i used to shoot at my pleasure , scarce could an oyster-wench , or kitching-stuff-wench pass by , but i would hit her on the neck , hands , or some naked place , which would set her a rayling and scolding for a quarter of an hour together at she knew not whom . one monday morning a shoomakers maid had been fetching a great pitcher of beer for the crispins to begin their weeks work withall ; now as she sailed along with the pitcher in her hand , which with the weight thereof drew her quite a one side , to prevent the wenches growing crooked thereby i level'd so right that i hit her on the fingers , so that down came the pitcher and with the weight thereof brake all in pieces , and spilt the good liquor , the poor wench cryed pittifully , the crispins stormed for loosing their mornings draughts , and being informed it was i that did it , they vowed to be revenged one me , which not long after they brought to pass . for i that could not live without roguery , no more then a ●ish without water , still continued my trade , notwithstanding all their threats . one day whilst i was watching for my prey , thorow the hole of the glass window aforesaid , there came by a man with a basket of drinking glasses on his head ; scarce was h● past me , when i saluted him with a dirt-bullet on the calf of his leg , , which made him give such a leap , that down came the basket with the glasses clattering upon the stones making such a murther amongst them that never was a citizen ( though he owed ten thousand pound more than he was worth ) so much broken as they . the fellow seeing his glasses thus mor●ified cursed most bitterly breathing forth nothing but revenge , if he did but know who it was that did it . i who was conscious of my own guilt , hearing him so to thunder thought some of his anger might lighten on me , and therefore to prevent the worst , i ran up the stairs , and hid my self under the bed ; but he that hath a bad name is worse then half hang'd , the shoomakers who i had mischiefed before , right or wrong said positively that it was i , urging him on to revenge him self on my uncles glass-windows ; the fellow who was easily induced to believe what they said , and to a●t accordingly made no more ado but up with his empty basket , and to revenge his quarrel made such havock of the windows , that there was scarcely ever a q●arrel left o how did my uncle look and my aunt scold to see their house thus metamorpho●ed into the shape of a bawdy-house ; but it was in vain for them to complain every one took the mans part and laid all the blame of the mischief upon me ; hereupon was a privy search made all the house over for me and being found my poor buttocks paid full dearly for the breaking the windows , my aunt standing by all the while to see execution done upon me , and urging my uncle on to beat me ▪ for which i cursed her in my heart most bitterly . chap. v. he d●scovers his aunts playing loose with a shopkeeper , his uncles invective against women . his aunt and the maid joyn together , and by a blind wager make him to be laughed and hooted at by the boys , he is s●undly revenged on them both for the same . my aunts unkindness to me vexed me to the heart , so that i vowed t● my self to be revenged on her ; the print of the rod did not stick so fast on my buttocks , as the remembrance of her words did stick in my mind ; io was not so watched by a●gus as i watched her , for i knew that women were subject to many faults , and my aunt as subject as any of t●e rest ; one shopkeeper used constantly to haunt our house , not a day passed in which we had not his company : this man my uncle entertained with very much respect , for what reason i know not , unless it were that of the poets : experience plainly doth unto us show , cuckolds are kind to them that make them so . one day my uncle went forth to dress a patient , no sooner was be gone but the shopkeeper wa● there ; now our whole family consisted only of four persons , my uncle and aunt , a maid and my self ; in order therefore for their more privacy , the maid was sent to the m●rket to buy eggs , and my self had liberty to go forth to play ; i kindly thanked my aunt for this courtesie , and taking my hat , with a seeming forwardness , pretended to go forth : but clapping to the doo● on the insid● , i softly sneaked back and hid my self under the stairs , where undiscerned i could plainly see all the passages between my aunt and the shopkeeper . he thinking us gone , took my aunt by the hand , and clasping his arm about her neck , fell to kissing her with as much eagerness as a hungry dog snatcheth at a bone , no doubt but her li●● were very sweet , for he was still hanging at them as if he had taken a lease of them for three lives ; at last my aunt began to struggle ( i suppose for want of breath ) and opening her mouth ( which i wisht a hundred times had been closed eternally ) she thus said to him : nay yish , why do you thus trifle ? now that the coast is clear , let us take time by the fore-lock , lest we be prevented of our design , in sooth you are so long about the prologue , as may chance to marr the comedy ; make not such a long stop at the porch , but enter loves cittadel , and ransack all her treasures , and so giving him a short kiss , hand in hand up stairs they went. no sooner were they gone , but i slipt out of my peeping hole , and coming to the door at the stairs foot , softly looked the same , and putting the key in my pocket , with as little noise conveyed my self out of the house . thus whilst they were playing their game ▪ i resolved to play mine , and hiring a porter , sent him to my uncle , to certifie him that my aunt was swounded away , and laid upon the bed in such a condition as would grieve him to the heart to ●ehold it , desiring him to make all the ha●t home that possibly he could ; and having given him his me●sage , i stept aside to a neighbours house to observe ( when my uncle came home ) how the project would take . the porter quickly dispatched his errand , and my uncle suddenly posted home , where entring the hou●e and finding not any one within , he began first to call for the maid , then for me , and last of all for my aunt ; but receiving no answer , he attempted to go up stairs , when the locksmiths daughter denyed him entrance . the two lovers ( who by this time h●d verified the saying to be true , that a man may be made a cuckold in the short t●me of going to a neighbours house , as well as going a voyage to the west-indies ) hearing my uncle below ; were almost distracted with this surprize , my aunt dreaded my uncles anger , knowing him to be of a very chollerick disposition ; and the poor shopkeeper feared to be served as the country clown served the curate whom he took in bed with his wife , and whom he thus menaced : make me a cuckold , reading rogue no pulpit serve but susan's , must susans smock your surplice be ? i le take away that nusance . and though priest wept , and wife did beg , churl slighted words and tears . and at one gash from curate took musket and bandaliers . the fear of loosing his genitals , made him to shake worse than if he had had a tertian ague , and therefore to prevent it he crept underneath the bed ; whilst my aunt went down stairs intending to smother up all with a dissembling kiss ; but when she saw the door was fast , and my uncle asking her why she locked it ? she could not tell what answer to make at present ▪ but being well principled in the misteries of venus , she soon recollected her self , and with a sorrowful voice ( as if she had been sick of a feaver for a fortnight together ) she pewled out these words : oh dear husband ( said she ) i was lately taken with such a great sweaming in my head , as not able to sit up lo●ger , i was forced to go up stairs and lye down upo● the bed ▪ in the mean time i suppose your unhappy ki●sman ( who minds nothing but mischief ) hath in revenge of me , for causing him to be beaten locked the door and thrown away the key . whilst she was thus exclaiming on me , i came in puffing and blowing as seeming quite orewearied with play as if ignorant of what had happened , asked very earnestly what was the matter ? my aunt though she were mued up like a hawk , yet hearing my tongue , could not forbear to vend her spleen against me in these words : you impudent young rogue ( said she ) do you act mischief and then pl●ad ignorance ? o that i were but well for thy sake , i would make every limb of thee feel the weight of my displeasure , concluding her invective with as horrid a yelling as an old woman grown hoarse with cr●ing of sprats or a company of dogs when they ●ark at the moon . my uncle who was of the same nature that other cuckolds a●e commonly of , to believe whatsoever their wives do say unto them : hearing her so positively to affirm it was i that did it he began presently to ransack my pockets for the key , protesting if he found the same about me , he would make me an example of his severity . but i who always dreaded vvhat might ensue to prevent such after claps , had before bestowed the ●ame in a house of office . no sooner had my uncle examined my pockets , ( where was not any thing to be found that might do me a prejudice ) but i began to enveigh against my aunts malice in blaming my innocency , and to perswade him it could be no other then some thief , who whilst my aunt slept , having locked the door , had hid himself in one of the chambers . this though it carried but little show of probability in i● , yet the fear of loosing his mammon made him believe any thing , and therefore presently sent me for a smith to break open the door which being done , we all three ascended the stairs to search for this hidden thief , although my aunt vehemently urged the contrary ▪ alleadging it was impossible that any one should go up the stairs but she must needs hear them ; however my uncle would not be so pacified , but searching about , he at last spyed the poor shop-keeper as he lay shaking underneath the bed half dead with fear . but when he saw who it was , turned to my aunt he said you impudent whore , do you abuse me thus ? you could feign sickness with a pox to you , when you were so rampant as to cornut● me in my absence ; is this your pretended chastity and reservation ? i shall take a time when to be even with you ; in the mean time master shopkeeper ( said he ) i will have my penny-worths out of you , and thereupon falling on him with his fists , ( anger giving him at once both strength and courage ) he so buffeted the shop-keeper , that had not the smith interposed , i suppose he would go near to have killed him ▪ but after an hundred or above of blows , the smith stepped in betwixt them , giving the shop-keeper liberty to run away , bearing along with him the marks of my uncles anger , which he wore as badges in his face for a long time after . my aunt seeing how bad the shop-keeper had sped , and knowing the business too apparent to be denied , fell down on her knees , desiring my uncle to pardon her for what was past , and protesting amendment for the time to come ; this her humiliation much mollified the edge of my uncles anger , who instead of beating her ( which i heartily wished ) fell a railing on the whole sex of women in general , in these or the like words . o nature ! why didst thou create such a plague for men as women ; how happy were men had they never been ; oh why could not nature infuse the gift of procreation in men alone without the help of women ? then should we never be acquainted with the deceitful devices of those devils , harpies , cockatrices , the very curse of man , dissembl●ng monsters , only patcht up to cozen and gull men ; borrowing their hair from one , comp●exions from another , nothing their own that 's pleasing , all dissembled , not so much as their very breath is sophisticated with amber pellets and kissing causes , and all to train poor man unto his ruine . a woman she 's an angel at ten , a saint at fifteen , a devil at forty , and a witch at fourscore , so stuft with vice as leaves no place for vertue to inhabit ; of such crooked conditions , and corrupt actions , that if all the world were paper , the sea ink , trees and plants , pens , and all men clerks , scribes , and notaries , yet would all that paper be scribled over , the ink wasted ▪ pens worn to the stumps , and all the scriveners weary , before they could describe the hundredth part of a womans wickedness , so that i may very well conclude with the poet , there is not one good woman to be found ; and if one were ▪ she merits to be crown'd . this my uncles invective puts me in mind of a story which i have heard since , concerning the scarcity of good women , that above five hundred years ago there was a great sickness almost throughout the whole world , wherein there dyed forty four milions , eight hundred seventy two thousand , six hundred and eighty three good women , and of bad women only two hundred and fourteen ; by reason whereof there ha●h been such a scarcity of good women ever since , the whole breed of them being then almost utterly extinct never was prentice more subject to a master then my aunt was to my uncle after the discovery of her leachery ; his desires were commands , and those commands laws which were by her put in speedy execution , if he bid her go , she would run ; do that , it was no sooner said then done , but the greatest mirac●e of all was , that if she were never so busie in talking , yet if he said but peace , she would suddenly hold her tongue , which before used to be in perpetual motion and was as hard to be stopped as a stream when it hath over-flown its banks , or the sails of a mill when the wind blows in its greatest violence , so that a serene sky seemed to have succeeded that storm that all things were pacified , and that my uncle had contente●ly put his horns in his pocket . but though she carried fair weather in her countenance , she had storms of revenge in her heart towards me ; for she did more then conjecture that it was i which had caused her all this mischief ; and therefore since she durst not vend her spleen upon me her self , she used the help of her maid , who brought the same to pass after this manner one evening ( my uncle being abroad ) whilst she , the maid , and i were sitting alone by the fire after some other discourse the maid proffer'd to lay a wager with me that i could not blind solded with my tongue lick forth a six pence from betwixt her breasts , this i thought so ea●y a thing to do , that i willingly laid a shilling with her on the same , and presently accorded for to be blinded : which whilst she was doing ▪ my aunt ( ●s it was before agreed ) stepped forth of doors and called in a boy who was to act their de●ign , as also some of the neighbours to be spe●tators of this my folly . now instead of the maids breasts the boye● hose were put down ▪ and his naked breech exposed to be the object for me to lick whch i greedily persued , but presently hearing a gigling , and scenting a rank smell , i soon desisted as being very apprehensive what the matter was . but when i was unblinded a●d beholding my shame before my eyes , i hung down my bead and look't like a dog that had stole a pudding much blaming my credulity , and bitterly cursing the great cause of that thei● joll●ty for a long time after i could not walk the streets , i was ●o laughed and hooted at by the boys , my aunt and t●e maid having spread the same abroad in every plac● flesh and blood could not endure this , to see my e●emies 〈◊〉 in my shame , so that noth●ng now run in my mind but revenge , the very thought of mis●hief was more sweet unto me than mu●adu●e and eggs , and from i thought upon a way for to do it . one of our neighbours ( who beared as little love to my aunt , as she did to me , o● loyalty to my uncle ) having a burning glass , i imparted my project unto him , who applauding my in●ention , willingly lent me the same ; thus sitted with an instrument , i soon found out an opportunity ●o work my revenge . my aunt being extreamly proud , used to wear lawn r●●fs of a great value . one sun-shiny day , sitting in the shop a sowing with her lack towards me , i took the burning glass and by attra●●ing the sun beams set her ruffs on a same about her neck , which made her to shreik and bellow m●st hideously ; whereupon i started up and as if a●●righted snatched up a payl of dirty water away from the maid wherewith she vvas washing the kitchin , and poured the same on my aunts head ; this ( though it made her to look like a bawd that was newly alighted from the cart wherein she had ridden for the sin of leachery ) did she take as a great courtesie at my hands , having thereby extinguisht the fire wherein otherwise she might ( she said ) have perisht ; not in the least judging it was i that did it , but imputing it as a just judgment upon her for her intollerable pride , and vovving thereafter to be more humble in her carriage & loving unto me . now tho●gh i thought i had plenary satisfaction for my abu●e , of my aunt , yet i resolved that the maid should in no case go scot-free , but that her disgrace should be equal with mine ; being thus resolved , i procured some emmets egs by the help of a country-man ; the nature of which are , that being taken in broth , posset , ale , or the like , they ●ill set the parties so on farting as if they would break their very twatling strings therewith . the very next day after i had gotten them , my uncle had invited some guests to dinner wherefore i resolved to put my resolution in execution then . that morning the maid to stren then her the better to go through her work , had provided her self a candle she being of the same nature that most women are of , to know very well what is good for themselves ) no sooner was her back turned , but i conveyed the eggs into the same , which she ver● freely drank off , but presently her belly began to wamble and her back-side proclaimed aloud that she was very much troubled with wind ; such loud reports she gave , and so fast they came one after another , that the good wife in the tale of the fryer and the boy , was a meer nothing to her . i could not forbear laughing if i should have been hang●d to hear how fast she trumpt it about , vvhich gave her occasion to mistrust that i had done something unto her , but vvhen she vvent to rail at me ; her tongue could not be heard for the exceeding noise that she made with her tail . by this time my aunt was come down off her chamber , but hearing how the maid talkt to her at both ends , she could not forbear laughing neither , which vexed the maid worse then before . my uncle hearing the great noise that was made , came also to see what was the matter , but iane ( for so was the maids name ) was so ashamed that she could not speak one word for blushing , only that her tail proclaim'd that she had a very great civil war within her belly : poor jane did all she could to hold it in , but it would not do , but out it f●ew with such impetuosity , that my uncle could less forbear then we , but laughed as if he would have split himself . this treb●le noise of laughter made iane to think that we had all conspired against her ▪ wherefore she got into her chamber , and notwithstanding dinner was to dress , yet locking the door , all the rhe●orick that could be u●ed to her , could not prevail with her to quit her chamber all that day . next morning ( her body being now in a quiet temper ) she appeared out of berden but who should then have seen her looks might plainly perceive how anger and shame strove which should have most predominancy in her , at first her clack began to go , but my aunt pacifying her , she fell to her work as she was accustomed . now overnight i had so divulg'd it among the boys , that when that forenoon she was sent to market , she had not been far out of doors , but she had a hundred boys at her heels , farting with their mouths , and making such loud hoots and hollows that she was forced to return back again , where inclosing her self within her chamber till night , she packt up her cloaths , and in the dusk of the evening departed away whither i never saw her afterwards . chap. vi. some abuses of chyrurgions , the knavery of tapsters , hostle●s , and chamberlains ; with a brief character of a drunken host. having now attained to about twelve years of age my uncle began to instruct me somewhat in his art of chyrurgery , intending when i had attained to some small perfection therein ▪ to send me to sea , although my mind never stood that way , resolving not to be mue●d up in a wooden cage , where there was but some few inches distance continually betwixt me and death . in this small tract of time that i was thus employed with my uncle , i found out much cunningness in his art whereby to gain mony , for if it were but a prickt finger , he would make a great matter of it and tell you what danger you had been in if you had but staid a minute longer instancing how such a one his patient by only cutting of a corn , and drawing blood is turned to a gangreen , which by bad handling of unskilful chyrurgions growing worse and worse , they were at last inforced to send for him , who in a few days made him perfectly sound ; that otherwise ( had he not come to him ) must inevetably have perisht . now because monyed customers were something rare , when they did come we made b●th their bodies and purses smart for it , lengthning out the healing of their wounds , the better to wiredraw their purses , indeed we were not so much beholding to the wars , as we were to the stews , unless sometimes a tavern quarrel brought us a patient ; but then what a brave incitement we had to make him part with his money , telling him he might recover that and ten times more of his adversary , that we would be witness for him , and that if he had not met with a skilful chyrurgeon , it would have cost him his life ; when as perhaps it was but a little scratch , his ●lock-head being too hard for ●o receive any deep wound . one story of a patient i shall relate , not so much to show the rarity of his cure , but the malice of a woman which occasioned his hurt . the fellow by his profession was a plaisterer , who had a most damnable scold to his wife . that used to fetch him from the ale-house with a hor●e-pox ; one night coming home three quarters drunk , she acted the part of zantippe and made the house to ring with her s●●lding ; th●s musick was so untur●●●e in her husban●s ears that getting a cudgel in his hands , he fell to belabouring her as seamen do stock fis● , until he made her to ask him forgiveness , and promise him never to ●cold so again : having thus as he t●ought got an absolute conquest over her tongue , he went quietly to bed , where he slept soundly whilst she lay awake studying of mischief . in the morning bef●re he wake't she examin'd his pockets for mony 〈◊〉 common tricks of a great many women ) but 〈◊〉 nothing in them , save only some lath-nails , 〈◊〉 did she take and set upright all a●out the cha●●●●er● which done she gets a pail of water in her hand● , and calling aloud , commands him to rise , which he refused to do she throws the pail of water upon the bed , this so vext him that starting suddenly up , he went to run after her , when his naked feet lighting upon the lath nails , he was forced to slacken his pace , being so mortified with them , that for three quarters of a year afterwards he lay under my uncles hands . but to return where i left . i had not been long at the trade , when my uncle one day walking down to wapping , provided me of a master to go to sea , which ( as ● told you before ) i was fully resolved against , and therefore very peremptorily i told him that i would not go , which so incensed him that he vowed that i should not stay any longer in his house , i was the less troubled at his words , becau●e the day before i had heard of a tapster in an inn not far off that wanted a boy ; thither therefo●e went i and proffered my service unto him , which he as readily accepted , and the same night was i entertained into the house , he having heard the cause of my departure from my uncle , for which he rather blamed him than me . now was i in my kingdom having store of company , and my fill of strong drink , which two things i dearly loved . i applyed my self to my calling very diligently , and soon learned to cry 〈◊〉 sir , and by and by , with as much alacrity as the best tapsters boy in ●hristendom . my master taught me how to nick the canns and f●oth the jugs and with the crotched chalk to score up two flaggons for one , and i quickly found the way when company was d●inking to take away flaggons before they were half empty ▪ and full tobacco-pipes amongst the foul ones . when company first came in , i always observed to bring them of the best liquor , but when they were half drunk , then that which run on ●ilt , or the drappings of the ta● should serve their turn ; if they found fault , i would take it away to change it , but nevertheless they should be sure to pay for it , as if they had drunk it : one thing i observed of my master ; that if the reckoning once came to be above three shillings , he would be sure to bring in pence or eight pence more than it was , then when the company were going away he would say nay stay gentlemen and take my half dozen cans before you go , which most commonly produced another reckoning , the gentlemen knowing not how to retalliate his kindness without doing so , by this means getting their money with thanks to boot . if gentlemen brought tobacco of their o●n , we would say it stunk were it never so good , and feigning a cough as if half stifled cry out , who is ●t that takes of this stinking stuff ? this is enough to s●ffocate the devil . which would make some gentlemen to throw away their pipes and say . pox on this groc●r he hath cheated me damnably come give us three p●pes of your tobacco , which when they have had they wou●d commend for superexcellent although perhaps twelve pence in the pound worse than his own , by which may be proved that tobacco is nothing e●se but a meer fancy . i seeing my master cozen gentlemen so frequently thought with my self that i might cozen them al●● , or at least wise cozen my master who so often cozened others , being warranted thereto by that of the poet. cozen the cozener , commonly they be profain , let their own snare their ruine be . and therefore when he was out of the way , to the reckoning , i would add a groat , six pence , eight pence , or twelve pence , according as it was in bigne●s which yet i would also score up , lest if he came in the way before it was paid and should tell the score , i might be mistrusted ; but i● i received the money before he came , then the over-plus went into my pocket ▪ which could not be discovered when the chalk was wiped out . in summer , when people drank in cans , if my master were in company ( as oft-times he was invited by guests to drink with them ) we had a can with a false bottom that held not above a quarter of a pint , which in the delivery of them i always so ordered as that can came to his hands , which he would drink off leisurely , and then turning the bottom upwards , it past undiscerned , saving thereby much beer in a day keeping himself sober to drink in other companies . in winter for mornings draughts we furnished our guests with gravesend toasts , which is bread toasted over night , our plenty of guests not permitting us to do it in the morning ; if we put any of them into drink before our guests ( as sometimes we were forced to do ) we would be sure to warm the beer or ale before-hand , and in putting in the toast cry siz● , although it were as cold as a stone . but my ma●ter and i were not all the cozeners that belonged to the inn , the hostler claimed as great a share in that mistery as we . his chief cunning consisted in tallowing horse-teeth that they should not eat no hay , or when a gentleman gave his horse oats no sooner was his back turned , but he would steal them half away telling the gentleman , his horse must 〈◊〉 ●av●d w●ll 〈…〉 his meat . if a gentlemans saddle we●● any thing ●orn he would be sure to make it so ●ad , that he could not ri●e no further with it without mending , as also to spoil the shooes on the horses feet , that he must be forced to have new ones , for which he had pensions from the smith a●d the sadler . nor m●st i here forg●t the chamberlain , who d●served to be rancked with the foremost for roguery ; he was a ●ly thief , and used to cheat guests with foul sheets , p●etending them to be clean , when as they had been lain in three or four times , and then a little water strowed on them ▪ and foulded up and prest ▪ made them seem as if new washt . he w●s a very diligent observer of gentlemens cloak-●ags ▪ whether they had good si●ver linings in them o● no which if he found to be ponderous , his next ●●re was to inquire what country men they were , which way they travelled , and the like , which having found , he gave intelligence accordingly to a gang of highway-men , with whom he was in continual pay . these were the servants that belonged to this 〈◊〉 such a parcel of canary-birds as well deserved 〈◊〉 look through a hempen ca●ement at the three ●●●●er'd renement in the high-way betwixt london and 〈◊〉 too . were not tho●e guests well blest ●●●nk ye , which hapned in such a place where none but knaves , thieves , and cheate●s were their attendants ? now you cannot but imagine that the master of such servants was well worthy of his place , i shall ●herefore only give you a brief character of the host him●elf , and so preceed on in my discourse . he seemed by his bulk to be of the race of the old gyants , and though his belly were not so big as the run at he●a●burgh , yet a flaggon of beer therein seemed no more then a man in ●auls . he commanded with as much imperiousness , as if he were the great cham of tartaria , and had an excellent faculty to strut along the streets with the top of his staff bobbing against hi●●ips , he could call the young wenches whores with a great grace ; and when he took tobacco , his mouth vented smoak like the funnel of a chimney . he much blamed the e●glish for affecting to drink wine preferring beer and ale before all forraign liquors whatsoever . to show his loving nature he would drink with all companies , and would toss off a can with celerity and dexterity . he would not be jealous , though he saw another man kissing his wife , knowing such her familiarity to be the greatest ●o●d-stone that attracted guests to his ho●se in sum his forenoons work was to scoop in beer by the quart and the most part of the afternoon to spend in sleeping . in this house i wasted away my time nigh three quarters of a year , but then a sad accident befel my master , which left me again to shift for my self ; he had belike ●een dabling in private with prudence , one of the maids belonging to the house , i know not what the business was , but she looked so bigly on him that he could not endure her sight , and therefore to avoid it , he privately put off his c●llar to another , and having received his money , marched off ●●cognito , leaving me to t●e wide world ; for this new tapster having a boy of his own , dismissed me to shift for my self . chap. vii . the cheats of cooks , a story of the spirit in the buttery , he steals a silver bowl ▪ the cozenages of astrologers , the death of his father being k●lled in a drunken brangling , the abuses of nurses , and keepers of sick people , his master dyeth , the knavery of his executor both in his trade and office ; he lives with a lock-smith , the knavery of that trade . long i was not without a master , being entertained into a cooks service , of which i rejoyced not a little , being in good hope however the world went , that i should not be starved in a cooks shop , one extraordinary priviledge i had by living in this service , for if the old proverb be true , that the 〈◊〉 bone , the sweeter the flesh , then i always eat of the sweetest dyet , my dyet being to pick the bones that came off of gentlemens tables . during the time that i lived here , although i had been a young wench , i should not needed to have feared being troubled wi●h the green sickness , running up ●nd down stairs so many score times in a day would have cured me of that malady those that had seen my nimbleness would have absolutely judged that my shooes were made of cork , i was as light heel●d as she who hath made her husband a cucko●d seven and twenty times over . my master drave a great trade , not only in boil'd meat and roast meat , but also in baking small pies , which the women cryed up and down the streets for him . every friday i observed we had brought in a porters basket full or two of pieces of raw meat , which though me thought they smelt very unsavoury , yet were they made use of , some minced , others pepper●d and salted , and put into pie , ere the week went about they all marcht off . i wondred for a great while from whence this meat came at last i was informed by one of the prentices , that it was such pieces as were cut off the stinking raw hides , that were brought into lea●e●hall to sell there on fridays ; bless me thought i , what deceit is here ! then did i think on the old proverb , that the blind eats many a fly . no marvel that sicknesses are so ri●e since such unw●olsome food must needs introduce them . now because those pieces of meat were lean and dry , they used to mix with them such fat pieces of meat as gentlemen left , adding thereto some dripping , and such like stuff , which all together made a gallant hodg podg for hungry stomacks . to roast meat twice over is so commonly now used amongst most cooks that i think i shall not need to mention this as a rarity in my master ; and yet would not that , nor what i mentioned before , nor his buying of carrion , such meat as would have dyed alone had it not been killed , being diseased or maimed ▪ and selling it for good ; all this ( i say ) vvould not do , notvvithstanding all his great pains , but still he vvent backvvards in the world , vvhich puts me in mind of a story that i have heard some vvhile ago , concerning an evil spirit that haunts the houses of such persons who use unconscionable vvays vvhereby to grow rich , which though it be nothing as conc●rning my life , yet i think it not amiss to relate the same , as being not altogether impertinent to our pu●pose . in the city of bristol ( a place which may c●mpare vvith the choicest o● england for the fairness of the buildings , and richness of trading ) vvithin the memory of our fathers , there lived a you●g man named fra●cisco who although prentice to a baker , yet when his time came out set up the trade of a ●ook . this young man was very desirous to gain a great estate quickly , and so impatient he was of being rich on a sudden , that he resolved to leave no means unattempted which should lye in his way whereby he might effect his desire , for so ●e might gain ▪ he stood not upon what means whereby he might do it ▪ bad infected meat he sold for good , nickt h●s cans froath his jugs , scored up two flaggons for one , yea what not ? but all his endeavours arrived 〈◊〉 to that height which he expected for notvviths●anding he went forvvard in trading , do what he could he went ba●kwards in thriving . this francisco had a priest to his uncle , that lived about some miles off him ▪ vvho had bestovved some small matter on him vvhen his time came out vvhere●y to set him up and tvvo years being expired he repaired to his nephevv to see hovv fortune had favoured him , and vvhether he had made any improvement of that little he had given him . the nephevv entertained him kindly , and feasted him royally , but vvhen his uncle asked him hovv the world vvent vvith him , he could not chuse but sigh , telling him vvhat endeavours he had u●ed whereby to increase his estate ▪ but that all p●●ved fruitle●s . ah cozen ( said the old man ) come along with me , and i will show you the thief that steals away all your gains , and thereupon taking him by the hand he led him into the cellar , where when they were come , they beheld a big fellow vvith a paunch like a tun , his eyes strutting out vvith fatness , his thighs like to mill-posts so unvveildy that he could hardly go : there they saw him gurmandizing on the cold meat th●t was left , devouring more in a minute then six hungry plough-men could do in half an hour : after he had so eaten , he takes a flaggon in his hand , and of the best beer , svvallovvs dovvn five or six of them full one after another , vvhich being done he vanisht avvay : this cousin ( said the priest ) is the spirit of the buttery , vvho so long as you use unconscionable vvays by cheating of people , hath povver over vvhat you have , vvhich he vvill so invisibly devour , that do vvhat you can for th● gaining of an estate , it is but all in vain ; and therefore if you intend to thrive , you must take a clean contrary course to vvhat you have done , and by dealing honestly , there is no question but a blessing will follow upon your endeavours . the young man promised very faithfully to do according to his uncles directions , who thereupon returned home again : accordingly when his uncl● was gone ▪ he began to work a thorow reformation , bought of the best meat , sold good penny-worths , filled his flaggons , scored right , and dealt justly in all his acting , doing this , he quickly begins to thrive in the world , grows rich , purchases house and land , and hath a great stock by him besides ; in so much that his wealth being taken notice of , he was soon after chosen one of the aldermen of the city . his uncle afterwards comes again to visit him , to whom he relates his change of condition , and how god had blest him with a plentiful estate now cousin ( said the old priest ) let us again visit your cellar ; when they came there , they beheld a thin , lean , meager fac'd fellow , one that seemed more like an anatomy than a man ; his ribbs appeared through his cloathes , his eyes were sunk into his head , his cheeks look●d like to shriveld parchment , and his legs ( which were no bigger than cat-sticks that boys use at trap-ball ) were so , weak as would hardly support his body . he went to a platter of cold meat , but had not strength enough to lift it up to his head ; afterwards he assayed to draw some beer , but could not pul the tap out of the fasset , so that seeing his endeavours were in vain , with a deep sigh he vanisht away . now nephew ( said the old priest ) you may plainly perceive what it was that hindred you from thriving before and therefore now since you are throughly instructed whereby to be rich , i shall take my leave of you , wishing with all my heart that all of your profession would leave off their cheating and cozening tricks ▪ and take the same course of life whereby to thrive as you have done . now , said he , what think you of this discourse ? is this quite besides the matter or no ? in truth ( quoth ) i , i think it is very pertinent to the purpose , and i wish all tradesmen would follow the example , for when they have done all they can ; they will find in the end that honesty is the best policy , and to deal justly the high-way to grow rich : the best bed-fellow to sleep with is a good conscience , and well doing ( were there no reward for it in the world to come ) yet were it a sufficient recompence in it self . but leaving this discourse , as that which is rather to be wished for , than ascertained to be practised in this evil age of ours ▪ let me entred you to proceed in the discourse of your life , as a thing whithal much desire to hear . that shall i gladly do , said hed know then that after i had been at this tooks som● small space of time , my father returned home from being a soldier , in that voyage he was prest out as i told you of before , now though he did not go out full , he returned home more empty than he went out ; without cloaths , and without money to buy any ; and which was worst so pinched with hunger , that he looked like a scare-crow , or one newly risen from the dead . it grieved my heart to see him in this condition , but how to remedy it i did not know ; some little money i had which was left of that i ●nipt in the tapsters service , which i very reely bestowed upon him , but alas that was gone as soon almost as received , and i having no more to supply him , he asked me if we had no plate , that went about house ? i told him we had ; then ( said he ) to furnish me , you must at such a time as your house is full of guests upon their going away convey a silver bowl into a secure place , which you may afterwards deliver for me to one whom i will send for that purpose , for i will not come to your house my self , because there shall be no suspition of me : i promised him to do as he bid me , appointing him the time when he should send the man , which was the next day , accordingly he came and i delivered him a large silver bowl , which he carried cleverly away . at night when my master came to lock up his plate , the best bowl was missing , which put all the house into disorder , my master swore , my mistress scolded the servants grumbled but who to blame not any one could tell ; onely the maid said she saw it in my hand that afternoon for which i wisht her ●ongue in a clest stick , but stoutly denyed that i had seen it that day : indeed my master had a great conceit of my honesty or else her bawling might have discovered me , for had they charg'd me with it strongly , i should not have had the impudence to have stood out in the denyal of it , having that within me which strongly checked me for doing it . but after some small inquisition about it , it was generally agreed that some of the guests had stollen it away ; then next was inquiry made what several companies we had that day , and which of them was the most to be suspected ; but the more they thought , the worse they were satisfied not one appearing more probable than another ; therefore it was agreed by a general consent , that the next morning the maid and i should go to a cunning astrologer about it , one who was cryed up for art to be little inferior to fryer bacon , for though he could not make a brazen head to speak , yet he had such a brazen face of his own , as could out fac● the devil himself for lying . i was not afraid to go , though i knew my own ●uilt , because i always judged that art to be a meer cheat , and though they lay their nets very plausibly to take the people ; yet they seldom catch any but owls and wood-cocks . knocking at the door , master astrologer came out unto us so wraped up in his purple gown that you could scarcely see ere an honest limb of him ; he had on his head a black cap with a white one under it , which was turned up some part over the black one , that it looked like a black jack tipt with silver . after we had discovered our business unto him , he told us the price of his art vvas a shilling whether he found out the thief or no ; we knew it was in vain for us to contend with him , and therefore we very freely gave it him , by which he perceived that the stars were very au●pitious to him in that hour , or else ( for ought i know ) he might have gone without his mornings draught . when he had received our money he very formally set himself down in a chair , having a piece of white-paper before him , and then taking a pen in his hand , he made thereon several triangles and quadrangles , with other crotchets and whimsies which he called the twelve houses . jupiter said he being lord of the ascendent , signifies good luck for the gaining your cup again , did not mars interpose with an evil aspect towards mercury . now venus being on the fiery trigon denotes the party that had it lives either east or west ; and saturn being retrograde , and in the cusp of taurus , it must needs be that it is hidden under ground either north or south . then asked he us if there were not a red hair'd man there that day ? vve told him no , nor a black hair'd man neither said he ? vve still answer'd no ; nor vvas there not ( said he ) a brovvn hair'd man there , with grey cloaths , not very tall , nor very low ? we told him yes ; then asked he us if we knew him or no ? we answered no. the sun said he being ill posited in the eleventh house , and mercury in trine with virgo , it was without all doubt a brown haired man that had your bowl . then asked i him if it might not be a woman as well as a man ? this put him something to his trumps , but when the maid said that could not be , for there was never a strange woman there all that day ; he grew bold and answered no ; for venus said he being weak in reception with gemini , and the moon in her detriment , both feminine planets does plainly tell that it was a man , and one betwixt forty and fifty years of age . upon my life said the maid , i saw the party that had it , he was a curled pated fellow , with a whitish cloak and a sad coloued suit about years of age , he dined in the half moon , and had six worth of roast beef to his dinner but if ever i see the rogue agen i le teach him to steal bowls with a murrain to him i could not chuse but laugh to my self at the wenches confidence and the chea● of the astrologer , and to think how poor silly people are cozened by these jugling-artists ; for no better term can i give them as believing no truth at all in their praedictions ; for let me ask them this question , whether the stars do compel or only encline ? if they say they compel , they speak little less than blasphemy , by ascribing too much to nature , and derogating from the deity . if they only enclined then what sure ground work can there be for what they say , when their conjectures are but only probable ? and for their doctrine of nativities that if a man be born u●der such a planet , his destiny will be so and so , and he will come to such an end ; we see oft times that in a barrel ●a canon bullet kills five or six at one instant , who no doubt were born under several planets , and yet come all to one fate ; or if they say it is possible so many might be born under one and the self same planet and aspects ; yet let me go further with them ; we have known battels at sea , when by an unhappy shot a ship hath sunk in an instant with six or seven hundred men in her , who have all been drowned in the deep . will they say thes● were all born under one planet ▪ ●●terily if they should so say , i should not believe them therefore i may say of but astrologers as gato said of the aruspices of rome 〈◊〉 his time , that he wondred how one of them could forbear to laugh , when he me● with any of his fellow● , to see how they deceived 〈◊〉 bid made a great number of simple ones in the city . but i hire your patience with this digression ; for i expect not my words will work any reformation in them seeing they may say with demetrius in the acts of the apostles that by this craft they get their wealth . to return therefore where we left , hav●ng taken leave of the astrologer , away we went home again fraught with a sackful of news to tell our master . no sooner were we within doors , but the maid set her clack agoing ; master ( said she ) the cunning man hath told us exactly who it was that stole your bowl ; he hath described him fully from top to toe , not so much as his very shoostring but he told us of what colour they were of , his hat , his hair , his beard his doublet breeches , hose , not one thing that he omitted i served the rogue that stole it with roast-beef my self , the devil choak him with it , for i think silver will not ; but if ever he comes here again or that i meet him in the streets , i le serve him such a trick us shall make him wish he had never drank out of any thing in his life but a wooden dish . i said nothing all this while ; and though i knew she lied most abominably in what the astrologer said , yet i confirmed her speeches , hoping this would for ever take away suspition from me of being culpable , only i thought with my self if that party she imagined to have it should come again to the house , what a coil she would make with him : but whether he forgot his physiognomy , or that the man never came there again ; i never after that heard any more of the matter : in the mean time my father had disposed of the purchased prize , bought him an old suit with some part of the money , and ranted it in the ale-house with the rest of it , for what is this gotten over the devils back is for the most part spent under his belly . at last his sinful life had a tragical conclusion for one of his comrades and he being sudling together they chanced to fall out , and from words proceeded to blows , where my father received such a knock on his pate with a flaggon , that though it killed him not out-right yet he survived not long after ; making his end answerable to his life : for as he led a troublesome life all the days he lived , so he put the parish to some trouble at his death , who were forced to be at the charge of burying him . i was the less grieved for the death of my father , knowing , if he had lived he would have brought me to the gallows for he would have been always in want , and urging me to supply him , which i could not do any other ways then by theft ; but that now he was dead i resolved q●ite to give over the practice of it , for fear in the end , it should bring me to look through a hempen casement . and now i bent all my endeavours to please my master , knowing i had few friends to rely upon ; i was up with the first , and down with the last , and refused no work i was set unto , and i found the benefit of my diligence at last , for it pleased god to visit our family with the pestilence , which in a weeks space , swept away all the whole houshold but my master and i. in this weeks time i observed the abuses and cheats of nurses and keepers , such who look to people who are visited with the sickness . two of these jades we had in our house , who when my mistriss lay distracted with the distemper ; took away her keys and ransack't her trunks , from whence they took a purse full of money , most of it gold ▪ which she had gathered unknown to my master ▪ intending to keep it for her further need , ( or as we say ) against a rainy day , thus these jades convey●d away together , with a great deal of the best linnen in the house , which was done by the help of the watch-man that guarded the door , who was son in law , to one of the queans ; and now that my master might not discover their theft , they sent her of an errant to her long home , by giving her drinks and other slops , quite contrary to what the physitians prescribed , by the same way they dispatched the maid , and the prentices , with a little girl , the only child my master had ; and now was none remaining but my master and i , whom they intended should have followed after the rest , then they might have plundred without controul , but i seeing how soon my fellows were gone , and observing that they all dyed presently after they had received any of their slops , would have nothing to do with them , perswading my master to do the like , affirming it ●ven before their faces , that they were the persons that had killed my mistress and the rest , and would if let alone , make a hand of us too . but these impudent jades hearing me begin to discover their villanies , would have perswaded my master that i was also infected , and that it had already taken my brain , which caused me to talk so idly , and so began to seize upon me , intending to have tyed me into a bed , which if they had done i should never have come out of it alive , but my master interposing bid them let me alone , for he himself was of the same mind with me . these bold queans hearing him say so , one of them flew at him , you old dotard ●aid she , do you begin to talk idly too , we must tame y●u yfaith , and so attempted to pull him down , whilst the other was as busie with me : my master and i strugling with them what we could : but perceiving them to be too hard for us ( for they were two stout mastiff queans ) we got to the window and cryed as loud as we could , and thereby gathered a great many people together to know what was the matter , to vvhom vve related the great danger we were in of being murdered by the two women that were with us , desiring by all means , that we might be rid of them , they being the greatest plague we were infected withal at the present ; and whom we dreaded as much as death it self ; amongst others that came ( alarmed by this outcry ) was ● shoomaker that lived not far off who was near of kin to my master , and thought himself no mean fellow ; he being at that time overfeer of the poor , this man kept a great bustle , commanding the door to be broken open ; which being done with as much imperiousness as a countrey justice domineers over a hedge-breaker , he commands the two women to depart out of the house , which they ( being conscious of a self guilt ) accordingly did to the no little joy of my master and me , who fear'd we should have perish●d under their merciless hands . being rid of these two harpyes , i was more than double diligent towards my master , well hoping that death with his beesom would sweep him away also , which i judged the rather could come to pass ; because the thread of his life was spun out to a fair g●eater length than mine , not at all considering , that the pestilence m●kes no difference betwixt age , and youth ; or if it doth sooner seizes upon youth than age , as ha●ing more matter to work upon . but i was so confi●ent that my master vvould die , and that i should live ; that i vvould rather perform all offices tovvards him , than to admit of a partner to plunder the house vvith me vvhen he vvas dead . but three days being passed , and no alteration at all appearing in him , i began then t● alter my opinion , and feared he vvould escape and not have it at all and therefore i began to cast my wits about , and consider vvith my self vvhat i had best to do ; novv i knevv conceit vvould do much vvith him , and therefore i first begun to tell him , that he looked very ill as of a sudden asking if he felt no alteration in his body ? vvhich at first he said , no ; but aftervvards upon my persuasions that he must needs be sick , he soon grew conceited that he was so indeed , in so much , that at last i told him , that he had the perfect symptomes of a dying man upon him ; those words struck him to the very heart , that without further delay he went to the window , called for a porter , and sent him for the shoomaker i spake of before to come to him presently , and bring a scrivener along with him . i asked him what he would do with a scrivener ? but when he told me it was to make his will. i wa● ready to swound , fearing he would take an inventory of his goods al●o , and so hinder my pilfering when he was dead , for i was now fully minded to thieve from him what i could , notwithstanding my resolution but a little before to leave it off , i feared to be known for stealing the silver boul● ; so hard it is for those that are principled in wickedness ▪ to leave off that vice they ha●e been accustomed unto ; however i praised him for his care therein , that he would settle his mind as to outward affairs , they might be no hinderance to his more pious thoughts , which now should be bent altogether to heaven-wards . scarce had i made an end of praising his good intentions but that the shoomaker and the scrivener were come , to whom out of the window he declared his mind for the disposing of his estate , first he commended his soul unto heaven , and his body to earth , vvhich i vvished had been racked up in it , before the scrivener came . next ( said he ) for the good and faithful service he hath done me , i bequeath to my boy gregory ( for that is my name ) the sum of twenty pounds , whereof ten pound to be bestowed on him in schooling , the other ten pound to buy him cloaths , and put him out to apprentice to some handicraft trade . i hearing my master to say this , could not but reflect upon my monstrous ingratitude that i should go to kill him that was so kind to me , and had so much care for my future livelyhood ; but covetousness cancels all obligations , and therefore is well termed the spring head of all ungodliness . next ( said he ) i bequeath to the poor of the parish wherein i live , the sum of fiv● pounds , three pounds thereof to be laid out on cloaths for them , to make them apparel , and bestowed on ●uch as my executor shall see most needful , and the other forty shillings to be laid out in bread for them , and to be distributed the next four sundays after my decease , each sunday alike till it be out . the rest of his estate he gave unto the shoomaker , whom he made his full and sole executor , giving him a great charge to be careful on me , and so having subscribed , and sealed it , he betook him to his bed , as prepared to die , and free leave he had to go , both of me and the shoomaker also . to hasten him on the more ; i perswaded him to sweat , which he was willing to do , so i covered him with as many cloaths , as he was able to bear , and being in a violent sweat , he called for some strong waters , whereupon i went to the pump and filled him a pint of such sober liquor as that yeilded , and brought it to him ; which having tasted , he asked me what i had brought him ? i told him it was excellent good white anny seed , he said , it tasted like fair water ; i told him , that was only the badness of his pallet which could not distinguish any thing ; truly ( said he ) it tasteth so small , that i think you may leave the word anny seed out and call it only white-water . yet notwithstanding this he found such fault , his parching thirst caused him to drink it all off , which gave such a sudden chill to his blood , that what with that and some other slops that i gave him , in three days time he turned up his heels and dyed . no sooner was his breath out of his body , but i began to put in execution what before i had intended and first i examined his pockets , wherein i found the sum of fourteen shillings and nine pence ; eleven shillings whereof i took , leaving some ▪ that i might not be suspected to have taken any , but this was nothing to vvhat i thought to find in his trunck , vvhich i opened with an expectation to have mine eyes blest vvith the sight of store of vvhite and yellovv pieces , but the clouds dropped no such rain , the trunk courted not me as iupiter did diana vvith a golden shovvre ; some plate vvas in it , some bonds and other writings , but no money . this vvas a shrevv'd cooling card to my high hopes ; vvhich promised me mountains and performed not mole-hills ; for as for the plate the executor knevv of each piece in the house , and bills and bonds signified no more to me , than meat an hungry man vvhich he might see and not come at ; vvherefore seeing it vvould be no better , i armed my self vvith patience , considering i had not lost by his death , he having given me twenty pound for the bringing me up to some learning and putting me out apprentice , by which i hoped to be sufficiently able to live in the world ; and therefore haveing secured the eleven shillings in the coller of my doublet ( mistrusting my pockets might be searched ) i called for a messenger , and sent the executor word of his death , not bidding him to have a care of frighting him in the delivering of his message , for i did not think the sudden news of his death would make him to break his heart with sorrow , there vvas less fear in that , then of a userer undoing a young heir , vvhen he once gets him into bonds . he having received the nevvs , he made no long tarriance before he came to me , bringing a couple of old women along vvith him to search the dead corps , that an account might be given vvhat he dyed of , vvhich is a thing ( you knovv ) is usual . but before i proceed any further ( having occasion here to speak of these searchers ) give me leave to mention some abu●es , and cheats vvhich i have observed to be practiced by them . they are indeed very necessary , especially in great cities , that an account may be given of what diseases people dye of , and that men may not have their lives shortned by violence , which appearing after their deaths , may be by them discovered ; but these women have their cheats too , for notwithstanding they are sworn to give a true information to the parish clarks ; yet mony can so blind their eyes , that if a man be poysoned , they can bring it in that he died of the french-pox ; and though a house be visited with the sickness , yet if the master thereof be unwilling to be shut up for loosing his trading , if he do but greaze them in the fist with some mony they will make the pestilence to be surfeit , and the spotted feaver ( which is little inferiour to the plague ) the swine-pox , and sometimes the measles ; nay once i knew two of those searchers that for money brought it in , that the party who had the spotted feaver , died of nothing else but the tooth-ach : thus you see that it is an undeniable maxime , that there is knavery in all trades , people being now grown so villanous in their practices , that they make the very dead to be accessary to their cheats . but to return to my story : the shoomaker standing in the street , whilst the women came in , called to me , and bid me if any of the trunks were open , to lock them up ; and throw the keys down to him which i accordingly did , the fear of loosing his mammen making him to dispence with any danger that might accrew to him by taking the keys . that night was my old master buried , and a fortnight after ( the bedding and cloaths being aired in the mean time , and i continuing sound ) i was removed to his house , where i took special notice of his great care in performing my masters will , and first for the three pounds that was given to buy the poor cloaths , he bestowed the same on two suits for his own boys , proving it to be the will of the dead it should be so ; for ( said he ) they are poor who are in want ; and his sons wanting cloaths therefore they were to be reckoned in the number of the poor , and policy bids us this , always to provide for our own poor first . then for the bread , he ordered with the baker so , that for every ten dozen , he would have a twelve penny-loaf , and yet were they made fifteen to the dozen , vvhich over-pluss above twelve , he also took to himself , so that the penny loaves shrunk to the bigness of half penny ones , and only for the name there was no difference . i seeing how he had dealt by the poor , thought with my self that my legacy would shrink also like northern cloath in the wetting , and my twenty pound come to twenty shillings ; but vvhilst i had cause for my self , i vvould not complain of his dealing by others , and therefore expected the event with patience . soon after i was set to school with a fellow that went in black cloathes , and therefore taken for a man of learning becau●e so habited ; this man and his schollars were both of one mind , for he cared not how little he taught them for there money , and they cared not how little they learned for it ; but i who had friends to rely on for bestowing any thing upon me afterwards , resolved not to neglect opportunity , but to gaine what learning i could thinking it might stand me in great stead another day , and therefore i so plyed my book , that in a short time i could read english very perfectly , and had some skill in writing and casting accounts . during this time that i went to school , i plyed not my book so altogether , but that i observed some practices of the shoomaker , both in his trade and in his office ; and first for his trade , i saw he used two sorts of leather , whereof was mens leather , which was strong , fast and would last well , the other he called womans leather , which was not half taned , and would not last ten miles going ; this last sort of leather ( because it was cheap ) he used most , especially in womens shooes and the inner soles of mens ? and somtimes i observed that if the inner soles were to little he would slit them in the middle to make them appear on both sides , and at other times with his teeth he would strech his leather as for gain he would streach his consience , then for his office , for the bread that was given to poor at the church on sunday , he had a weekly fee from the baker for his custom ; and for other gifts that were to be distributed ( as there was some quarterly ) that poor man that received them , must either do a days vvork grat●s for him , or else present ●im vvith some gift vvorth half of vvhat he vvas to receive , or else he vvas sure to go vvithout it ; so that in respect of his office , these verses of withe●s vvere very applicable unto him : the poor's neglector , o i pardon crave . collector i should say , may play the knave : the f●el i would have said ▪ but chuse you whether he may be both , and so he may be neither . ●ut before i had been at school long , my guardian told me , the ten pound vvas out for my board , ( for i paid a roast-meat price for my dyet , although i fed most commonly on bread and cheefe ) and therefore i must prepare to go to prentice ; i thought it vvas in vain to contend vvith him , and therefore bid him provide me a master as soon as he vvould for i vvas vvilling i told him to go . he quickly heard of one ( for bad masters are as easie to be found as bad servants ) one that vvas a true bacchana●i●n a son of vulcan by profession a lock-smith , vvhat the executor vvas to give vvith me i knovv not , but thither i vvent some fevv days upon liking ; and indeed ●t was but a few days i was there in all , for there was found knavery in that trade as well as others . my new master had belike driven an old trade with pick-pockets , h●u●e-breakers , and such kind of p●ople whom he furnished with store of p●ck-locks , and inst●uments to break open shop-doors and windows ; he also drave a great trade with thievish prentices for false keys for their masters counting-houses and trunks , they bringing him the print of them either in wax or clay , with some of which he was sharers in their purchase , he had also his emissaries abroad , which would steal iron bars from cellar-windows , and sometimes fetch a short jaunt into the countrey , and steal the coulters and shares from the ploughs , as also hooks and hinges from gates , which he bought for a small price and used to work them out in the night for fear of discovery , yet all would not do wicked actions have bad endings ; one of these prentices who had made use of him , and thereby much wronged his master , spending that money riotously which he had got naughtily , his excess brought him to a surfeit that occasioned his end , when upon his death-bed , reflecting on his former vitious practices , he detected my master , who was thereupon apprehended and carried before a justice of the peace , that sent him to newgate ; how he sped i know not , but if he had his desert . i am sure he could not escape hanging . chap. viii . he is bound prentice to a taylor , the knavery of that trade , his master of a stitch , he is turned over to a bak●r , who misusing him he runneth away . he serveth a plaisterer , sheweth some cheats in that trade ; he is even with the maid of the house for her sloath , and punishing him , giveth his master a fall from the scaffold , and runneth away from him into the country . my next master forsooth was a taylor , a dapper fellow , to whom the shoomaker ( because he would be sure to be rid of me ) bound me prentice the first day i went to him , after i had been there a little while , whether it be the nature of the trade , or what it was i know not , but all my mind ran upon penny-loaves and pudding pies , and whereas before i was more given to drink than to eat , now my whole appetite was for feeding . if i went by a bakers shop , oh how would i cast mine eyes upon the penny l●aves wishing my belly a cupboard to contain such pretious jewels , neither could it sink into my faith , that there was any trade in the world comparable to a bakers , but that which made me the more hungry , i conceive was that we were much pinched in our diet : for my master made us observe more fasting-days , then were set down in the kallender , and then with a counterfeit zeal he would preach a long lecture of sobriety unto his prentices , not that he had any religion in him ( for at another mans table he would gurmundize like an epicure ) but to save victuals , and when we fell short at meals as we oftentimes did ) he would put us off with an old proverb , that many a sack is tyed up before it be f●ll , for his other qualifications and endowments , take a brief view in this short but true character of him . he was such another as sir thomas overbury speaks of , a creature made up of shreds that were pared off from adam when he was rough cast . his chiefest care was , how to cloath other mens backs , and feed his own belly ; how to make them fine , and himself fat again christmas , easter or whitsontide ; he was a man of some repute but most time else like a thick cloak in summer , hang●d behind the door . his offensive and defensive weapons were only a n●edle and a thimble ; with the first he murdred many egyptian vermine , and the last he made a gauntlet for the top of his middle finger , which at other times jingling in his pocket with his bodkin ▪ made the ale-wife to think he had mony in his pocket , which caused oft times a flagon to be scored up behind the door . his chief upholder was the sin of pride , a new fashion being to him like the term to a lawyer ▪ to gain which he used to frequent those churches and places where gallants most resorted , when on a sudden the mechanicks wifes and kitchenmaids gowns came trowling in to be altered , for out of the fashion out of the world. he differed altogether from god , for with him the best pieces were still marked out for damnation , and without hope of recovery cast down into hell , for though he had many bottoms , yet his conscience was bottomless . of all weapons he most affected the long bill , and he who paid him but one half ; he would be sure to be no looser by him . an antient gentleman one day brought a suit of cloaths to our shop to be made ; who that he might have them the warmer , had bou●ht two yards of bays to cotton his breeches in the inner-side ; my master thought that was too good for such an use and therefore took it to himself , and supplyed the place with old painting cloath . it happened afterwards the gentleman wearing those cloaths , going to islington , as he went over a stile , a snag or cleft of the same took hold of his breeches and rent a great slash or gap in them , that quite discover●d my masters theft ; for right against the hole , was the picture of a devil with a muck-fork in his hand , which made the gentleman to admire how the devil he should come there ; searching further he found more of his fellows , and all of them with muck-forks in their hands , tormenti●g of dives in the flames ; this put him in a great rage , to consider how that by the knavery of the taylor , he should carry hell-fire in his breech , ripping the other slop there was the prodigal on horseback , his journy into a far country ; hawks and his whores , his feeding husks with swine , with his returning to his father , and the killing the fatted calf , wherefore in great rage he came to my master , calling him knave , thief , and a great many other names , such as came first to his tongues end , my master desired him to be quiet , told him it was stole off his shop-board , but for his part , he wished if he had it that he might find it in hell , meaning the hell under his shop-board , which was the recep●acle for all his stoln goods . now those pieces which were condemned to this hell , were termed cabbidge , and we never made any cloaths either for men or women , in which he snipt no some pieces from them , sometimes out o● a suit and loak , enough to make a boy a pair of breeches , or a doublet , and sometimes enough for breeches and dou●let too . then we drave a trade with the sadlers , for pieces of cloaths to make seats for saddles . the cabbidge of course cloath was to make dust-cloaths for the legs of country ploughmen wollen caps , and mittens for old women ; all was fish that came to net . when a gentleman bought a suit and loak of good cloath , if my master could but perswade four or five more to buy of the same , out of them all he would steal a suit and cloak for himself . then for womens cloaths the cabbidge of cloath of silver , branc●t sattin , and the like , went for pin cushions , pin-pillows , womens purses : and if black , church-wardens caps , cabbidge of tabbee , coloured tasfaty and sarcenet , for facings for the hands of doublets , &c. when we set on gold and silver lace , we should stretch it so , that in four or five ya●ds we would get a quarter of a yard , which w●th old silver buttons , and such like stuff , went for ends of gold and silver ; and sometimes in rich laces , we would rub them so on our knees , that in eight or nine ounces , half an ounce would come off which went also to the encrease of ends of gold and silver . now being the under-prentice , my chief employment was to run on errands , so that having thereby an opportunity , i often visited the dagger in foster-lane for pudding-pies , my mouth always either penny-loaf or pudding-pie fashion . amongst other places that i went to , one of the chief was a mercers in pater-noster-row , from whence my master received a small snip for every gown he helpt him to custom withall . now their way of dealing was thus ; my master bought the stuff , then the mercer was to justifie that it cost him so much a yard , perhaps eight or ten shillings more in the gown than it did , for which my master when he brought customers to him , was to perswade them to the stuff , avouching there was not such another penny-worth in the town , and that he was confident that he saved little or nothing by it ; but only for to gain their custome ; by which you see he who carries a taylor with him to help him buy cloaths , carries a thief instead of a friend , for the mercer and taylor was both agreed , and what the first says , the other will swear to . now to hear them muster up the names of their stuffs , would make you swear they were raising so many devils , there●s your parragon , burragon , phillippine , cheny grogrum , mowhair , damasilly , novato , pinckanilly , pinckadino , prunella , itiliano , castiliano , perpetuana , sempiternum , tamme , tammet , tameletto , and a thousand more besides , such as adam never gave names to , being more for pride than for warmth , and rather to cloath sin , than to cover nakedness . but ere i could attain to any perfection in the trade , my master dyed of that which he lived by , the stich , being taken with it as he was contriving a new fashion for a womans placket , that it should be neither before , nor behind , nor on either side ▪ but before he could finish his project he was taken with this stich , so that that invention was utterly lost thereby : now because he dyed of such a disease , i mustered up all my wit and invention together , and made for him this epitaph . a taylor in this grave doth lie , who by the stich did live and die ; longe● his lifes thread might have been , but death with●s shears came him between , wound up his bottom , bound his feet , and sow'd him up in swinding-sheet . my mistress not continuing the trade , i wa● turned over to a baker , at which i rejoyced exceedingly ; being heartily desirous to be dealing with belly-timber , remem●ring how i was full fed when as i lived before with the cook. here i found the maxim to be still true that there is knavery in all trades , for as my last master thieved from peoples backs , so this robbed their bellies ; and was in one sort worse than a ●aylor , for taylors commonly filch their cabbid●e only from the rich , who can the better , spare it ; but a baker by making his bread lesser than it should be ; ●tealeth it out of the poor peoples bellies , for doing which he deserveth the same fate to attend on him as did pharoahs bake● , viz hanging ; or at least wise to loo● through an oaken plank , and shew the people a knaves he●d . he would be sure to be in fee with the clark of the market ▪ and pretended great love to him , though he hated him as his executioner . by this means he had always timely notice of my lord mayors going abo●t when he would be ●ure to have his bread full weight stand at his window ; and if at any time he chanc'd to be catcht oh how he would rep●ne at his forced c●arity , to see his bread given to the poor , hating justice it self for the weigh scales sak● , though it d●d the beggars as much good as their dinner , to see his ba●ket sent to the prison . when we had any stale mouldy bread , such as we could not sell our selves , or was returned us again by our customers , we used to soak it in water ; and so mould it up again in our dough , which in summer time at four days end would roap so , that if you pul●d it in pieces it would appear as if it were all cobwebs which made us always to sell such bread new . now what other knaveries he used in his trade , i was not there long enough to know them : for because i used to forget to rise betimes in the morning , my master would remember me with a good ashen wand , which he alwa●s kept in store by him , wherewith he would beat me as your seamen do stock-fish , insomuch that my flesh had on it all the colours in the rain-bow , viz black , blew , green ▪ red , yellow , white , &c. above all things in the world i liked not beating ▪ wherefore i re●olved to march off , yet before i went i purposed to be in part revenged on him for those many blows he had given me . now so it vvas that he lay above stairs , and i belovv , and vvhen he came down , if he found me not up and about my business , he would so ri●-roast me that i could have felt no cold although it had been frosty weather . against that morning i intended to be gone , i had pa●ched some pease in the oven , that they were almost as hard as leaden bullets them did i strow here and th●re upon the stairs again●t my masters coming down , and so having put up my things , and made my self ready , i staid expecting vvhat the event vvould be , anon my master called me at the stairs head , i heard him very vvell , but made him no ansvver ; vvherefore he supposing i vvas asleep , vvas coming dovvn to give me the bastinado , vvhen treading on the pease his heels flevv up , and dovvn he came tumbling from the top to the bottom ; svvearing all the way he vvas falling that this damn'd rogue ( meaning me ) intended for to break his neck ; i hearing him to thunder so loud thought it would lighten upon my jacket presently ; and therefore to prevent it , i opened the door and shewed him a fair pair of heels , leaving him sore bruised with his fall , and more vexed that he could not come at me ; to revenge himself of me for the same . i was now grown a good sturdy lad ; and it being then the spring of the year , i was entertained into a plaisterers service , i imagined with my self that there could be no knavery in this trade but after i had been there a while , i found there was a great deal of difference in our labour when we workt by the day , and when we wrought by the great ; in the one i could not be too quick for my master in the other he cared not how slow ; dispatching that in six days in the one , which we would hardly do in ten days in the other , in the one we minded only our work , in the other we u●ed to lengthen out the time with discourses of wenches , foot-ball playing , and such like ; for so we brought the day to an end , we cared not so much for our ●ork going forward , seeing our wages ran paralel with the day , and when that was done , we counted our money due ▪ whether we earned it or no. in this service i lived like a prince to my hearts content , for my master wou●d not only wink at any rogueries that i committed , but also countenance me in the doing of them . when we wrought upon scaffolds in the ●treet it was a great pleasure to me to throw the morter upon the heads of young wenches , as they passed by ; and at other times with our whiting to bespatter gentlemens cloaks as they walked under us ; that they looked as if the ●row had shit upon them . my master kept a maid who was none of those huswifes that use to disturb other peoples sleeps by their early rising ; she would endure three calls in a morning , and when she began to stir , she would groan sadly , stretching out her arms and legs , and giving a two or three has to get upon her breech , where she would sit in her bed half an hour lacing of her boddice , and throwing of her coats over her head , so that we were forced to put up the victuals we carried with us our selves . my master asked me if i could not invent a way to punish her sloath ? i told him i would do my best endeavour ; so that day i got some horse-hair , and shred it fit for my purpose , telling my master what i would do with it ; at night when he came home ; he sent the m●id for two pots of ale , when she was gone for it , i took my shred hair , and strowed the same in her bed betwixt the sheets which plagued her vvorse then if she had had half a peck of six footed vermine to her bedfellovvs ; a good vvhile she endured it , being exceeding loath to be at the pains of putting on her cloaths , for she always accounted the trouble of dressing and undressing her self to be a great plague inflicted on mortals to disturb them of their ease , accounting the birds in a far happier condition than men , vvho go to bed and rise vvith their doublet and breeches on , and vvas resolved if she changed her religion to have turned adamite , that she mig●t have saved that labour of dressing her self ; but the hair tormented her so abominably , that nolens v●lens , she vvas forced to rise , and sit up untill the morning , vvhen looking in the sheets she found the cause of her disquietness ; the cunning jade made no speech of it at all , but vvas as pleasant that morning as if she had ailed nothing all night , vvhich made me to mistrust my art , and think i had not done my business right . all that day she was busied with her thoughts in contriving mischief against me the result where of was , that she took the sheets from off her bed and laid them on mine , whereby she paid me home in my own coyn , and whereof i could not justly complain , seeing what was sauce for a goose was sauce for a gander , i had work'd very hard that day , and would willingly have taken some rest at night , but it was in v●in to think of it , i might almost have lain as well upon pins and needles as on what i did , i then thought upon the story which is usually told boys vvhen they first come to be prentices concerning their enroling , that they must be rol●d in a barrel drove full of nails , with the points sti●king up , and thought this punishment to be little inferior to that ; flesh and blood could not endure it , wherefore i got up and uncased my bed of the sheets , creeping in betwixt the blankets vvhere i lay all night . in the morning the maid asked me how i slept tha● night ? i told her very well , for my skin was armor of proof against the biting of fleas , or any other disturbance whatsoever , but though i carried fair weather in my countenance , my heart boyled in revenge against her , wherefore tha● day i went and bought two penny-vorth of cow-itch , which is a drug of that nature , that where it touches the flesh , it will make t●em so scrub seventeen times worse than if they we●e plagued with the itch , with this i anointed her sheets in the same manner as i strowed them with horse-hair before , but if the hair netled , this fleyed , she had needed to have had briarius hundred hands to have scratcht her self at once , for when she came to be a little hot in her bed , she fared like a mad woman ; the more she scratcht the more it itcht , so that by what she seek't to allay her pain , she encreased it : the going out of her bed would not cure her now , she carried her distemper along with her , so that knowing not how to ease her self , she bellowed like a bull , and made such a quarter , that the whole hou●e was disturbed with her bellowing . all night she continued thus ; in the morning i began to play upon her , told her that the scratching of her arse signified we should have butter cheap , and that ●ow ever things wents she would be sure to rub through with them , but had i not took my heels , she had so rubbed my ears for it as would have turned my mirth into mourning . that day was very fatal to me , and my running from the maid in the morning prognosticated i should run from my master before night . it so happened that we had some work to do that day at a tavern in thames-street , the back-side whereof adjoyned to the thames , which the vintner would have beautified next to the water-side ; now for to make h●m a scaffold to work on , he put the ends of two long sticks out at the window , laying a board over them for him to stand on the out side : and on the in-side fa●tned the end of the one with a cord , but wanti●g a cord for the other , he bid me to sit on it , thereby to keep it from kicking up , thus was all things ordered , my master gotten up upon his scaffold , which vvas just over the water , and i s●tting on the end of the stick ; he fell a singing as he was accustomed to do at his work , and i fell a nodding ▪ being lulled a sleep with his singing ; in my sleep i dreamed that my old master the cook was alive again , that i lived with him , and that our house was full of guests ▪ by and by some gentlemen knocked in the next room , i hearing them , imagined that i was called , and thereupon cryed out , anon , anon , i come i come sir , and thereupon fell a running , when presently up flew the stick , and down fell my master , crying all the way he fell help , help , i shall be drown●d the noise he made waked me out of my sleep , when looking forth so the window , i saw my master floating like a shitle-cock upon the water . i seeing what had happened , thought more upon saving my self than him , imagining if he were drowned , that i should be hanged , and therefore that i might not die the death of a dog , to prevent it , i run away , leaving my master to shift for himself , whom though yet i loved well , and would not have parted from him but for this accident . i made great hast in going , and yet knevv not whither to go ; east , west , north , or south , all was indifferent to me for it is impossible he can be out of his way to whom all vvays are alike . london though large and populous i judged no coverture for me , i wanting those two great helps of concealment , money and friends . the country therefore i p●tcht upon , invited thereto the more , it being then the merry month of may , the pleasantest time of all the year , the earth having then put on her richest apparel , the meadow cloathed in green , the fields beautified with flowers , and the woods adorned vvith violets , cowslips , and primroses ; the winged choristers of the forrest , warbled forth their ditties very harmoniously , the lambs friskt and leapt , dancing lavalto●s on the flowry pastures , and the murmuring stream made a noise like to a chime of bells , running through their winding meanders . as i walked thus in the country , encircled with pleasures , and every where having my eyes satiated with variety of pleasing objects i thought my self to be in paradise , and imagined no pleasure in the world comparable to that of a country life ; happy , yea thrice happy ( thought i ) is he who not playing with his wings in the golden flames of the court , not setting his foot in the busie throngs of the city , not running up and down in the intricate mazes of the law can be content in the winter to sit by a country fire , and in the summer to lay his head on the green pillows of the earth . the country cottage is neither battered down by the canon in time of war , nor pester'd with clamorous suits in time of peace . the fall of cedars that tumble from the tops of kingdoms , the ruine of great houses that bury families in their overthrow , and the ways of shipwracks , that begat even shrieks in the heart of cities , never send their terrors thither : that place stand as safe from the shock of such violent storms as the bay tree does from lightening ; their sleeps are secure from such dangers , and their wakings as pleasant as golden dreams . in the homely village art thou more safe , than in a fortified castle ; the stings of envy , nor the bullets of treason are never shot through those thin walls : sound healths are drunk out of the wholsome wooden dish , when the cup of gold boyles over with poyson . hast thou a desire to rule ? get up to the mountains , and thou shalt see the greatest trees stand trembling before thee , to do thee reverence , those mayest thou call thy nobles . thou shalt have ranks of oak on each side of thee , which thou maist call thy guard ; thou shalt see willows bending at every blast ; whom thou maist call thy flatterers : thou shalt see valleys humbled at thy feet ; whom thou maist term thy slaves . wouldest thou behold battels ? step into the fields , there shalt thou behold excellent combats between the standing corn and the windes . art thou a tyrant ? and delightest in the fall of great ones ? muster then thy harvesters together , and down with those proud summer lords when they are at highest . wouldst thou have subsidies paid thee ? the plough sends thee in corn , the meadow gives thee her pasture , the trees pay thee custom with their fruit , the ox bestows upon thee his labour , the sheep his wool , the cow her milk , the fowls their feathers , &c. dost thou call for musick ? n● prince in the world keeps more s●ilful musitians , the birds are thy con●orts , and the wind instruments they play upon yield ten thousand tunes . thus went i on contemplating the s●mmers pride and the earths bravery , and from them both conc●u●ed the great felicity of a country life , as if the one would never fade , and the other always endure resolving in my thoughts never to see london again , being ravished with the delights of the verdant fields and enamour'd on the beauties of the spring , accounting none truly happy , but he who enjoyed the felicities of a country life ; is he addicted to study , heaven is the library ; the sun , moon and stars his books to teach him astronomy , that great volume his e●h●merides out of which he may calculate predictions of times to follow ; yea in the very clouds are written lessons of divinity for him to instru●t him in wi●dom , the turning over their leaves , teach him the variation of seasons , and how to dispose his business for all weathers who therefore would not consume his youth in such delightful studies , that have power in them to keep off old age longer than it would ? or when old age doth come , is able to give it the lively-hood and vigour of youth ? who would not rather sit at the foot of a hill , tending a flock of sheep than at the helm of authority , controuling the stuborn and unruly mul●itude ? better it is in the solitary woods and in the wide fields , to be a man among beasts , than in the midst of a peopled city , to be a beast amongst men . as i was thus strucken into admiration of these beauties , and wholly taken up in contemplation of the felicities of a retired life , being already in my thoughts an absolute country-man , i being now some miles distant from the metropolitan city of our fruitful albion , on a sudden the welkin began to roar , and send forth terrible peals of thunder ▪ the serene sky was over shadowed , and phoebus hid his head behind a cloud the heavens began first to weep small tears , afterwards to pour them in full rivolets upon the thirsty earth , i had then no pent-house to walk under to keep me from the rain , nor was there a red lattice at every nuke and corner ( as at london ) to give me enterta●nment ; the spreading boughs of the sturdy oak were too feeble to defend me from being wet ; i looked like a drencht mouse , having never a dry thred on me ; what to do i knew not money i had but little , friends none a stranger both to the place and people , unexperienced in the world , as i● the way where i travelled the consideration of those things made me add more moysture to the earth by the salt tears that trickled from my eyes ; to stand still i thought was in vain , so forwards i went , wet without and dry within ( sorrow they say causeth drowth ) at length i spy'd by a corner of a wood a little thatcht cottage , thither i went , and found by an old rotten stick that darted out of it , in imitation of a sign-post , that it was an ale-house , this someth●ng revived my drooping pirits , so in i went , to dry my out-side and wet my in-side , where i found a good fire , and store of company of both sexes merrily trouling the boul about , singing of catches , and smoaking tobacco ; no sooner was i entered , but one of them drank to me a full cup , so dovvn i sat amongst them , being all alike free citizens of the vvide world , the strong ale soon vvashed avvay all sorrovv from my heart , and novv that i had a vvarm fire to sit by , and a house over my head , i bid a fig for all foul weather . chap. ix . he lighteth on a company of canting beggars , and is stalled one of their society , is married to a doxy , with the manner of their wedding ; the orders and degrees of the canting beggars , men and women with their several quallities and manner of life . this company that i thus hapned into vvas a crew of canting beggars , pilgrims of the vast earth , the off-spring of cain , vagabonds and wanderers , over the whole world , fit companions for such who made a trade for idleness and roguery , and these were at this time fit companions for me , who seeing the merry life they led , resolved to make one of their company whereupon ( after i had a little more ingratiated my self amongst them , and taken two or three cups more of rum-booz ) i imparted my inventions to one of the chief of them , telling him that i was a prentice who had a curst master , whose cruelties had caused me to run away from him , and that what ever fortune might betide me , yet should not the most necessitous condition i could be plunged into , ever make me to return to him again , and therefore if i might be admitted into their society i should faithfully observe a●d perform what rules and orders were imposed upon me . he very much applauded me for my resolutions , telling me that to be a beggar was to be a brave man , since it was now in fashion for brave men to beg . do not we ( said he ) come all into the world like arrant beggars , without a rag upon us ; and do not we all go out of the world like beggars , without a rag upon us ? and do not we all go out of the world like beggars without any thing saving only an old sheet to cover us ? shall we then be ashamed to walk up and down in the world like beggars , with old blankets pin'd about us ? no , no , that were a shame to us indeed ; have we not the whole kingdom to walk at our pleasure ? are we afraid of the approach of q●arter day ? do we walk in fear of bailiffs , serjeants and ●atch poles ? who ever knew an arrant beggar arrested for debt ? is not our meat drest in every mans kitchen ? does not every mans cellar afford ●s beer ? and the best mens purses keep a penny for us to spend . having by these words ( as he thought ) fully fixed me in love with begging , he then acquainted the company with my desires , who were all of them very joyful thereof , being as glad to add one to their society , as a turk is to gain a proselite to mahomet . the first question that they asked me was , if i had any lour● in my bung ? i stared on them not knowing what they meant , till at last one told me it was mony in my pur●e , i told them i had but eighteen pence , which i freely gave them ; this by a general vote was condemned to be spent in bouse for my initiation . then they commanded me to kneel down , which being done , one of the chief of them took a gage of bowse , which is a quart of drink , and poure● the same on my head , saying , i do by vertue of this soveraign liquor stall th●e to the rogue , and make thee a free denizon of our ragged regiment ; so that henceforth it shall be lawful for thee to cant and to carry a doxy or mort along with thee only observing these rules . first that thou art not to wander up and down all countries , but to keep only to that quarter which is allotted to thee ! and secondly , thou art to give way to any of us that have born all the offices of the wallet before thee , and upon holding up a finger to avoid any town or country village where thou seest we are forraging to victual our army that march along with us . observing these two rules ▪ we take thee into our protection , and adopt thee a brother of our numerous society . he having ended his oration , i rose up , and was congratulated by all the company , hanging about me like so many dogs about a bear , and leaping and shouting like so many mad men , making such a confused noise with their gabling , that the melody of a dozen oyster wives at ●illingsgate , the scolding at ten conduits , and the gossipings of fifteen bake-houses were not comparable unto it . at length he that stalled m● cryed out for silence , bidding the french and english pox to light on their throats for making such a yelping ; then fixing his eyes upon me , he read a lecture to me out of the devils horn book as followeth . now ( saith he ) that thou art entred into our fraternity thou must not scruple to act any villanies which thou shall be able to perform ; whether it be to nip a bung , bite the peter , cloy the lurries , crash either a bleating cheat , cackling cheat , grunting chtat , quacking cheat , tib oth buttery , margery prater , or to cloy a mish from t●e crackmans ; that is , to cut a purse , steal a cloak-bag or portmantle , convey away all manner of cl●at●s ▪ either a sheep , chicken , sucking pig , duck , coose , hen , or steal a shirt from the hedge ; for he that will be a quier cove , a profest rogue , must observe this rule , set down by an antient patrico in these words . wilt thou a begging go , o per se o , o per se o , then must thou god forsake and to the devil thee betake , o per se o , &c. and because thou art as yet but a novice in begging , and understandest not the mysteries of the canting language , to principle thee the better ; thou shalt have a doxy to be thy companion , by whom thou maist receive fit inst●uctions for thy purpose . and thereupon he singled me out a young girl of about fourteen years of age , which tickled my fancy very much that i had gotten a young wanton to dally withal ; but this was not all , i must presently be married unto her after their fashion by their patrico ( who amongst beggars is their priest ) which was done after this manner . they got a hen , and having cut off the head of it , laid the dead body upon the ground , placing me on the one side of it , and my doxy on the other ; this being done ; the patrico standing by , with a loud voice bid us live together till death did us part : then one of the company went into the yard and fetcht a dry cow-turd , which was broken over my doxy's head in imitation of a bride-cake ; and so shaking hands , and kissing each other , the ceremony of the wedding was over ▪ and for joy of the marriage we fell to drinking afresh , till we were all as drunk as beggars , but then to hear the gabling noise we made would have made you to have blest your self , to hear such a babel of confusion among us , some were jabbering in the canting language ▪ others in their own some did nothing but weep and protest love to their morts , other swore swords and daggers to cut the throats of their doxy●s if they found them tripping one would drink a health to the bride till he slavered again , some were for singing baudy songs , others were divising curses for justices of peace , headbor●u●hs and ●onstables ; at last night approaching , and all their mony being spent , we betook us to a barn not far off , where we coucht a hogshead in the darkmans , and went to sleep . though my lodging was homely , my bedfellow pleased me yet though she were so young , i could not boast of the purchase of her maiden-bead , that being a dainty always bestowed on the upright-men , ( the chief of the rogues , who must have the first tast of such morsels , and then they are free for any of the brother-hood the whole night was spent in prigging wapping , and telling of drunken stories ; in the morning as soon as phoe●us began to dart some of his beams through the crannies of the walls ▪ the patrico began to set up his larum , and to ●waken the rest with this song . this is bien bowse , this is bien bowse , too little is my skew . i bowse no lage , but a whole gage of this i le bowse to you this bowse is better than rom-bowse , it sets the gan a gigling ; the autem mort finds better sport in bowsing than in nigling . t is better than peckidge , plannam , then yarum , loure , or lage ; then lift the same up to thy nab and bowse off a whole gage . being thus roused , and having shaken our ears a little , the upright-man ( who was the ●el-weather of the flock ) appointed out the station where every one should go , prefixing a day wherein we were all to meet again . my doxy and i had a particular walk assigned unto us , wherein we were to travel , and not to intrench upon any of the others limits ; whilst i thus rambled about with her ; learned of her the several qualities and offices of the brother hood , and how they were distinguished from each other according to their degrees of superiority and inferiority : the men were divided into these twenty several sorts . upright men . rufflers . anglers . rogues . wild rogues . priggers of prancers . palliards or , clapper-dugcons . fraters . quire birds . abraham-men . whip-jacks . counterfeit cranks dummerars . iack-men . patrico's . irish toyls . swigmen . glymm●rars . curtalls . kinchen co's . of the women kind were only these six . kitchin morts dells . doxies . walking morts autem morts . bawdy baskets . and now what these several sorts of people are , you shall hearby their descriptions . an upright man is the chief of all the ragged regiment , he walks like a commander with a short truncheon in his hand which he calls his filch-man ; pretends himself to be a decayed souldier , and claims a share in all the booties which any other inferiour rogue do get ; he hath all the morts and doxies at his beck , and can command them from any other of the gang at his pleasure . by this description you see there is a great deal of difference betwixt an upright-m●n and an honest man. a ruffler is the same in conditions as an upright man , like to like quoth the devil to the collier ; they both of them pretend themselves to be decayed souldiers , are both of them very imperious over the in●erior subjects of their common wealth-receiving tribute also from rogues palliards , morts , doxies , &c. the next are anglers , but they seldom catch fish till they go up westward for flounders . the rod they angle with is a staff of five or six foot in length , having a hole bored through it within an inch of the top , into which hole do they put an iron hook , and with the same do they angle at window about midnight , drawing therewith apparel sheets , coverlets , or whatsoever they lay hold on , all is fish that comes to net. a rogue who●e very name doth shew his nature , and therefore he shall not need any further description . a wild rogue is of the same nature as a rogue only this is the difference , that the one falls into this infamous and detestable course of life , either through laziness , death of parents , cruelty of masters , or the like , the wild rogue is bred up to it from his swadling clouts , born a rogue , lives all his whole life a rogue , and disdains to take upon him any calling or profession whatsoever , but as he lives , so dies a rogue . priggers of prancers are horse-stealers , for to prig , ●ignifies in the canting language to steal , and prancer signifies a horse , the farmers in the country , and gentlemen that keep horses , know these sorts of rogue , too well , by dear experience . palliards , or otherwise called clapperdugeons , who go always with their morts at their heels , and draw people the more to pitty them , with sperewort or arsnick raise blisters on their legs , which they can cure again at their pleasure . when they come into the streets of a town or country village , they divide themselves , and beg one on one side of the street , and the other on the other side ; the purchase which they thus get . they sell to poor tradse-men , or other labouring people , and with the money are merry at the bowsing-ken . a frater is one that with a counterfeit parent goeth about with a wallet at his back , and a black box at his girdle , to beg for some hospital or spittle-house ; he hath always a doxy whom he meets withall at night at some tippling house , where they lewdly spend what was given him in the day by charitable well minded people . quire birds are those in whom the proverb is verified , birds of a feather , rogues together , they are such as formerly sung in such cages as newgate , the white-lyon , or some other country goale . abraham men , or a tom of bedam is a man whom by his black and blew arms you may see to be much beaten to the world ; he counterfeits madness and by many phantastick tricks gets from silly country people bacon , and such other victuals as will fetch him ready money ; he hath but two names , for all people whatsoever , and that is tom and bess. no man shifts his linnen oftner than he does his wenches . whipjacks are such as travel about from town to town under the notion of ship wrackt sea-m●n , with a counterfeit licence to beg , which licence they call a gybe , and the seals to it iarks their talk is all of sea voyages , but the end of their land-voyage is for what they can get , and to rob boo●hs at fairs , which they call heaving of the booth , at which they are very expert . counterfeit cranks are such as pretend themselves to have the falling-sickness , and by putting a piece of white soap into the corner of their mouths , will make the froath to come boyling forth to cause pitty in the beholders ; they stare wildly with their eyes to appear as if distracted , and go half naked to move the greater compassion . these cranks have likewise their meetings , and their wenches at command . the dummerar is cousin-german to the cranks , for as the one counterfeits the falling sickness so this counterfeits dumbness , making a horrid noise instead of speech by doubling his tongue in his mouth , but if you give him nothing , he can then open his mouth to curse you privately . this iack hath also his i●ll , upon whom he spends his loure at the bowsingken . a iackman is one that can write and read , ye some of them have a smattering in the latine tongue ; which learning of theirs advances them in office amongst the beggars , as to be clark of their hall , or the like . his employment is to make gybes with iarks to them , which are counterfeit licences with seals , by which he gets store of money to make himself drunk withal . the patrico is their priest , every hedge is his parish , and every wandring rogue and whore is his parishioner . his service is only marrying of couples , by bidding them go together and multiply , and fill the world with a generation of vagabonds . . irish toyls are lusty rogues who go about with a wallet at their back , in which they carry pins , points , saces , and such like , and under colour of selling such wares commit many villanies . a swigman is a degree higher than an irish-toyle , as a tavern exceeds an ale-house , for he carries a pack behind him instead of a wallet , and is stored with more sorts of ware than the other , yet differs little from him in honesty ; they both pay tribute to the upright man , as to their chief . glymmerars are such as travel up and down with licences to beg because their houses have been consumed with fire , for glymer in the canting tongue signifies fire . they use a very sad tone in their begging , and tell a lamentable story how the fire destroyed their baros , stables , &c. by which lying tales they get store of loure to buy bub at the bowsingken . curtals are so called because they wear short cloaks , being of the same nature as the rogues described before the last rank of this rambling crew are termed kinchin co●s , being little boys , whose parents were formerly beggars , but are now dead , or else such as have run away from their masters , and instead of a trade to live by , follow this kind of life to be lowsie by . the first thing they do is to learn how to cant , and the onely thing they practice is to creep in at windows or cellar doors . thus have i given you a brief description of the men , by which you may give a shrewd guess of the women ; for you cannot imagine if the one were devils that the other would be saints , take them therefore in their own character . of this sort ; the first of them are called ki●chen morts , their mothers carry at their backs in their slates , id●est , she●ts . when the morts beg , they use to prick their kinchens with pins , that by their crying they may move people to a speedier distribution of their alms . dells are young wenches that have not lost their maiden-heads , but being once deflowred , ( which commonly is when they are very young ) they then change the name of dell into doxy , even as maids when they come to be married , loose that appellation , and are called women . doxys are such as have been deflowred by the upright men , and are after common to any of the brother hood . they will if they see convenient for a small piece of money prostitute their bodies to any that will deal with them , and do too often murther those infants which are so gotten . they have one special badge to be known by , for most of them go working of laces and shirt strings or such like stuff , only to give colour to their idle wandring . . a walking mo●t is one that hath encreased the world with lullaby-cheats or young children , yet was never married , they are very dangerous queans to meet withal , being cunning in dissembling , and without all fear of god and good laws ; and are kept in awe only by the upright-men , who oftentimes rifle them of all that they have . . an autem mort is another sort of these she-devils , and differs only from a walking mort in that she is married ; for autem in the canting tongue signifies a church , although that be a place she seldome comes at . they commonly walk with their wallets on their shoulders , and slates or sheets at their backs , and will pilser any thing that lies carelesly about houses , which they call in their language nilling of the ken . their husbands commonly are rufflers , upright men , wild rogues , &c. . the last of this ragged regiment are called bawdy baskets which are women that walks with baskets or cap-cases on their arms , wherein they have pins , points , needles , and such like things to sell ▪ going thus from house to house to sell their ware ; buy cunny-skins ▪ and steal what they can lay their hands on , driving three trades at once . they are very fair spoken , and will seldom swear whilst they are selling their wares , but will lye with any man that hath a mind to them . the upright-men and these are in perfect league and amity one with another . thus have i briefly dissected to you this knot of vipers ; who may very fitly be termed the devils black guard. whos 's whole life con●isteth of a continued act of all impiety , no sin within their verge but is frequently committed amongst them , especially that sin of letchery ; to which end you shall find sometimes together in a barn forty of these upright-men , rufflers , clapperdugeons , &c. ingendring begga●s with their morts . adultery they boast of , incest they laugh at , sodomy they jest at , being all of the family of love , or lust rather , rope ripe , nuts for the devils cracking , and fit fuel for firing for his kitchen . but i have dwelt too long upon this filthy subject , i shall only give you a brief character of a canting rogue , and so return to the progress of my own life . he should seem by his rambling mind to be begot by some intelligencer under a hedge , for he is wholly addicted to travel , and hath one especial priviledge above most travellers that he is never out of the way . he is not troubled with making of joynctures ; he can divorce himself without the fee of a proctor , nor fears he the cruelty of overseers of his will ; for there is small danger of his children being cheated of their estates , by which means he makes not work for the lawyers after his decease . he leaves his children all the world to cant in , and all the people to be their fathers to provide for them . his language is always one and the same ; the northern speech differs from the south , welsh from the cornish , but canting is general , nor never could be altered by conquest of the saxon , dane , or norman . he will not beg out of the limit prescribed him by the upright-man , though he starve nor falsifie his oath , if he swear by his solomon ( which is the mass ) though you hang him , and to show himself a true subject of their common-wealth , he pays his custom as truly to his grand rogue as tribute is paid to the great turk . the spring is as welcome to him as a warm bed to a weary traveller , for then begins his progress after a hard winter ; and the sun which breeds agues in others , he adores it like the indians . ostlers cannot endure him , for he is of the infantry , and serves bes● on foot ; and if through sickness at any time he ride his stage is but to the next town , and that in a dung-cart . he offends not the statute against the excess of apparel ; the fuller of rags the more fashionable for his calling , and to go naked , he accounts but a voluntary pennance . forty of them will lye in a barn together , yet are never sued upon the statute of in-mates . he shifts lodgings oftner than men shift their shirts , and hath more change of morts and doxies , than he hath of lodgings . if he were learned , no man could make a better description of england , for he hath surveyed it more exactly than the best cosmographer whatsoever , having travell'd it over and over . lastly , he can brag of this , that repairing of houses will never undo him and that though he eats and drinks every day , yet he shall not die one penny in debt either to the brewer , or to the butcher . chap. x. in prosecution of his begging he steals a hen , is taken in the manner ; and whipped , and imprisoned in the cage ; from whence he escapes , and assists in the robbing of a house , where he gets a good booty and escapes , but his companions are caught ; one hanged , and two transported : he hearing this , makes hast to london . in his journey to london ▪ he overtakes a trooper and a wench ; he lyes with her and two more of her companions , and after this frollick he goes with them all to london . it was then the spring of the year when i took this lazy trade of life upon me ; the harmony of the birds singing and the variety of the flowers which beautified the verdant fields , made me the more willing to imbrace this sordid course , not think●ng of a winter that would strike dumb tho●e winged choristers , and invest the earth with a robe of snow , instead of all her painted bravery . custom had soon habituated me to a liking of lodging in straw , attracted the more by my amorous bedfellow and so long as i had my fill of ease , i could well be contented to ast from dainties . but for my life i could not bring my tongue to the right tone o● begging , although i were habited fit for the purpose with a dirty night-cap loathsome to behold my face all smearen , my cloaths set full with pa●che● upon the whole cloath , a red clout upon my leg , and supporting my body with a staff as if i had been a meer criple . many a mile vve rambled , yet keeping still in our ovvn station , for fear of the upright-man : but my counterfeit plea for begging vvas at last discovered , and to all my dainties i had vvhipping chear added ; for going one day not far off from a farm house , the stragling hens invited me to have a throw at them vvith my staff and having struck one of them . i had forgotten my lameness , but very nimbly ran and took her up , putting her under my patcht coat , vvhere i had a bag sevved in that vvas a receptacle for all stollen goods . it chanced that the farmer himself vvas then on the other side of the hedge , vvho undiscovered by me , savv my activity in the stealing of his hen , and vvas resolved , though i put it up that he vvould not . but i dreading nothing , thinking my self unseen , vvent directly to the house , and as soon as i came into the yard fell to my old trade leaning on my staff , and drawing my leg after me , as if scarce able to stand , much less to run . having gotten to the door , i began to set up my tone with a good tender hearted people be pleased to bestow your charity upon a poor miserable wretch that is both lame and hungry ; one penny of silver to buy him salvs for his sore leg , or one morsel of victuals to put into his belly that hath had nothing come in it this couple of dayes . no sooner had i ended my maunding , thinking to mump the farmer out of some money , or at leastwise some bread to my hen , but he having watch'd me now seized hold of my arm , and told me , that though it might be true that i had not lately eaten , yet he saw i was resolved to be better provided for the future and so turning back my coat discovered my bag , vvhere was not onely the hen , but some other 〈…〉 their provant , i had lately purchased . i finding my self caught , would gladly have given him the slip , but some of his servants , as well as himself stop'd me , without any more ado the harman-beck was sent for , who being a neighbour was quickly come , and by this time i had a great train of boys and girls to attend me : i needed not much examination being thus taken in the manner , but however they were all desirous to see my sore leg ; i was forced to let them do what they would with me , knowing there was no remedy but patience , and so i suffered them to unrowl and take off the clouts and rowlers that was upon it , when coming to the skin , that was as whole and as sound as a fish ; but though my leg was well and whole , my heart was now almost broken with consideration of what they would do with me ; some proposed one punishment , and some another , but at length to the whipping post i was led , where my doublet and shirt being stript off , my back was so long laced with a cart-whip that i capered and flounced like a horse in a quagmire , and i was as fast too , being hand-cuffd so that i could not stir . it was well it was the spring time , for i lost blood enough to purge away the gross humours without the help of a surgeon , that office being supplyed by a thrasher who took as much pains upon me as would have thrashed a bushel of pease ; but at length there was a cessation , and a new parley began wherein it was propounded that further course should be taken with me , and considering that there was a kind of felony committed upon the hen ; they advised and agreed to lead me to the next justice of the peace to have his judgment in the case though i thought it unreasonable to suffer punishment first , and then to be judged ; yet it was to no purpose to complain , and all i could say would not prevail with them to let me go , but they would conduct me to the justice , so that i having put on my cloaths my shirt stuck to my back and made me sensible that i had lost leather ; but for all that on i must , and the justice living a mile off , the thrasher who had lashed me , and two or three others made holliday to attend me : when we came before the justice , he hearing that i had been punished already , was content at my importunity to acquit me from any other , and only to make a pass to send me home to london , being the place where i told them i was born : i not having power to contradict ; was forced to consent to what was commanded , and that constable attending me out of his liberties to another constable , left me : this new constable , who now had me in keeping not being willing to go further with me ; for that night put me up in the cage , where i was locked up , but not so safely , but i made shift to break out , and travelling all night ; by the next morning i was far enough off for them to overtake me , for all that day i concealed my self in a wood , and vvhen night came i proceeded on my journey ; but it so happened that on the second night of my travel , about midnight i was over taken by three persons who demanded where i was going ? i told them any whether : vvhat i was ? i replied a wretched person whom fortune had persecuted , and therefore i was indifferent whether i went , or what i did . hearing me say so , they retired a little to consult about their affairs , and then one of them coming up to me , demanded several questions of me of my late course of life ? to all their questions i returned them such answers as caused them to conclude me to be a rambler , and therefore fit for their society , and therefore they asked me if i were vvilling to hazard my self in enterprizing somewhat , that though it might be something dangerous , yet it should be very profitable . to this i answered , that they should soon find my willingness expressed in the boldness of my actions , and if seconded or assisted by them , i should act any thing that they would direct and appoint . they hearing my resolution , soon consented to admit me into their society , and acquainted me with their present purpose , which was to rob a house not far from that place : they told me th●t i must be valiant and bold not in fighting , for they knew they should meet with little occasion to exercise any weapon , but in entring the house , and performing other such matters as they should instruct me in . i told them i consented to what they should propose , and therefore desired them to tell me what part i was to act in this enterprize , and as for a part of the purchase , i should leave that to them , which i desired them to give me as i should deserve . then one of these persons told me , that he was very well acquainted in the house , and gave me an account of the several ways and passages into every room , and who was lodged in such chambers . in fine , i discovered that there was but two men , and three women-kind in the house , and he being a coach-man , had lately brought the master of the house home with two hundred pound , of which he had a de●ire to rob him ; and therefore had joyned these two persons with him in the confederacy . being thus instructed , we proceed and arriving at the house , i was put in at a window , and directed how to open the doors , which i did , the the coach-man stayed below stairs , and we other three by his directions went up into the chambers ; the doors we soon opened , and coming to the bed side where the master of the house and his wife was , we dravving our swords ( for i had the coach-mans delivered to me ) opened our dark lanthorns , and seeing the man and woman , without many words we bound and gagg'd them : and they leaving me to watch them , went into the other chambers to do the like to the rest : i being left alone in this room was not idle ; but rummaged about , and found a gold watch a few rings , and twenty pieces of gold , these i secured for my self , and soon after my companions returned ; when taking the keys out of the gentlewomans pocket , we soon found what we came for , the two hundred pound , and so marched off without any stay , or the l●ast interruption : the coach-man stayed below in the hall , where he had made a strict search , and had likewise plundred something from thence which after turned little to his profit : but we all left the hou●e with the doors open , and marched with the spoi●s of the field , bag and baggage , to a house about a mile distant , where they were so courteous as to give me fifteen pound out of the profits of their adventure . i ( being sensible that i was well enough paid , in regard of the gold and other things i had concealed ) thankfully received it , and so left them , marching on further to the next great to●n , where the next day i understood a great fair was to be kept , and therefore i thought that place the most fitting to conceal my self in , and be freest from suspition , i got in a barn and rested my self , taking some sleep ; but was much disturbed , being in great fear lest some misfortune might befall me ; and to the end that i might be the freer from suspect , in case of a hue and cry , i went to a sales-mans booth , which was in the fair ▪ and furnished we with a sad coloured sute and cloak , citizen like , that i might pass for such a one if occasion were my old cloaths i left behind me in the barn where i stripped my self . thus did i escape all danger , but my companions fared worse than i , for the covetous coach-man not having any thing else whereon to exercise himself ; stole a looking-glass which was below stairs , while we were above , and to conceal it from the rest of his companions , put it in his codpiece . when they had sufficiently stayed at the house where i left them , and had shared the prize they went to go homewards , but being flustred with the bottles of wine they had for joy drank off , they made it so long , that it was seven of the clock in the morning ere they parted , and then were they overtaken by the hue and cry , with a constable who though he knew the coach-man very well , and did not suspect him ; yet seeing him and his two companions ●o flustred , and somewhat to hang out at the knees of the coach-mans breeches , they made some stay , asking whether he had latel● been at some wedding and had bride-laces , which he had put in his breeches . the coach-man being somewhat blank●d at this discovery , knew not what answer readi●y to return : this cau●ed them to examine him who they were that were his companions , and where they had been ? they were all now deeplier surprized than before , which gave so great suspition that occasioned a search , and in the end they found what they sought for , ( the money ; ) and that which hung out at the coach-mans breeches , were some ribbonds that were fastned to the looking glass . upon this discovery they were all apprehended , carried before a justice , and upon examination being found directly guilty , committed to goal this did i hear of at the fair that afternoon as i was drinking in a booth : at the recital of this story , if any one had observed me , they might have easily conjectured that i was concerned therein ; for i was possessed with so much fear , that i looked like one rather dead then alive : but there was no occasion to suspect me , for the three others my companions being taken and with them the greatest part of the money , there was no occasion to make any further enquiry . ●hen did i bless my good fortune that i had left them so suddenly , and was so much out of danger , and that evening i proceeded further on in my way towards london ; but being well furnished with silver and gold , i took up my quarters in a very good inn , where i had a good supper and soft bed : and slept very well , considering the trouble i was in . at this inn i stayed several days to hear what would become of my companions , ●or the assizes were then at hand . i received this satisfaction , that they being tryed , were all cast for their lives ; the coach-man hanged , and the other two were to be transported . this was the end of my piece of thievery , and i did then resolve never to hazard my self again in such matters , lest i came o●f with as bad succeess as the coach-man . i stayed so long in this inn , pretending to wait the coming of a ●ister of mine , that one day who should arrive there but the maid-servant who lived with the plaisterer i had served , and as i suppose was the cause of his drowning : now was i in greater fear then before , for i had lately escaped hanging for theft ; and now expected it for murther ; and i knew that this wench was malicious enough against me , and would rather ●jure me by her exclamations , than secure me by her silence ; i therefore intended to give her the go-by , but could not , for she had now cast her eye upon me and discovered me , and came straight up to me to speak with me . how now , says she , you have made a fair ramble ! is it not time to return ? well said i ; be silent a little , and let me speak with you in private ; and thereupon taking her by the hand , i led her into a private room ; where calling for some dr●nk , i enquired of her how all our friends did , and more particular for my master . why , said she , you know well enough that he is dead . at this word i was more dead than alive , neither was i for the present able to ask her any more questions . the drink being brought in , she drank to me ; well , said she , however i am glad to see you here ; so am not i ( thought i : ) but recovering my lost senses i demanded of her how long my master had been dead . she replyed , a fortnight . nay ▪ thought i , then the case is not so bad as i suspected , and therefore i proceeded in questioning of her how he died , and many other questions . she answered , that he died of a feavour , which kept him not above fourteen days sick ; and he being dead , she was now returning into the country to visit her friends . now was i fully satisfied that i needed not fear any danger , wherefore i called for a bottle of canary , which we drank off , and she related to me that he was not much hurt by the fall that i gave him for he went again to work the next day , and had made much enquiry after me , but as yet in vain . i told her that i indeed doubted that he had been drowned by the fall which he had received into the water , and therefore had absented my self ever since from london , wandring up and down in several disguises ; but , said i , i will now go to london again but never to serve out my time at that trade ; for if i come upon a scaffold again , i shall be much frighted with the remembrance of that disaster . she told me ▪ that now indeed i was free to dispose of my self since my master was dead , and might chuse my trade and master . thus did we spin out several hours of that day and night together till it was time to go to bed , and then we parted ; she the next morning proceeded in her journey into the country , and i pursuing my resolutions of going to london , likewise went forward . but by the way met with an adventure , which i shall relate to you . i was now resolved nothing should hinder me from proceeding in my journey to london , and that i might get thither the sooner , i endeavoured to borrow a horse , but could not procure one , i being a stranger , every person was unwilling to trust me : but at noon-day staying for a bait , i happened into the company of a trooper , who was likewise travelling to london ; we dined together , and he asking whither i was going ? i told him he said he should be glad of my company . i said , that would be very pleasing to me if i might enjoy his ; but i could not because he was better furnished for a journey than i , being provided with a horse , and i on foot ; he told me that inconveniency might be supplyed , for there were horses in the stable to be let . i told him that i would give any consideration for the hire of one , and that he , if acquainted , might do me much kindness in procuring one for me : he seeing me full of money , quickly procured me a horse , engaging himself that i should leave the beast at his london quarters . my host being well acquainted with him , and he being to ride along with me , was contented : and i paying five shillings for his hire , had the horse delivered to me , and on his back i mounted , thinking my self to be some brave fellow : as we rid along together ▪ we overtook a female creature , young and handsome , in somewhat an antient decayed , but gentile garb . the trooper being a notable well experienced blade , soon fell into discourse with her ▪ and found her to be a rambling baggage , whose journey was now intended for london , and would be glad of our company , were she accommodated with a horse : to that i offered her my service , and agreed that she should ride behind me ; to which she assenting , soon mounted ; and now we merrily put on , holding a pleasant discourse with our female companion . i had a great desire to take a better view of her than i could , being thus on horse-back together , and therefore perswaded the trooper to make a halt at the next town which we came to , where we all dismoun●ed , and i saluted my lady , who kindly received my courtesie . the trooper after some discourse , wa● well enough acquainted with the lady , having oftentimes been merry with her , and others , at the house where she lodged in london . he call'd me on one side , and told me , that she was a per●on whom he had been formerly acquainted with , and so might i too if i would , and if i had any desire thereto , he could and would assist me i told him he had done me many kindnesses in the small time of my acquaintance , and now he had offered that which exceeded all ; for indeed i was much taken with her beauty , and very de●irous i was to enjoy her . well , said he , let us be going from hence , and make you your bargain with her as you ride along by the way , and i will take such care in the business that you shall be entertained as man and wife at my quarters , and there lie together . i was in●nitely glad of this his kind prosfer , and thankfully accepted thereof ; and so after some little longer stay , we again mounted our steeds and put forwards : according to his instruction i courted my mistress , and without much difficulty obtained her promise to permit me to lye with her , and so we rid on till we arrived at the troopers quarters ▪ where he told his landlady , that he had brought her some guests ; for this young ●an and his wife , ( said he ) pointing to us , will stay here all night : they shall be we come said the hostess , and so a supper was provided ; for as we did eat and drink with a very good appetite , and my land●ady did accompany us , who i found was ve●y well respected , and ●amiliar with the trooper ; and bed time being come which i ●ad much de●ired , i and my lady went to bed , neither did the trooper●ie alone , for our landlady was his bedfellow ; how he spent the night i know not , but i am sure for our parts we slept but little , for it was the first time that i ever enjoy●d a woman naked in my arms all night , and i was ravished with delight , never having had so much pleasure . my bed-fellow was well enough contented with the entertainment i gave her ; we discoursed of one anothers ●ortunes ▪ but whether she told me the truth of hers , i know not , but i disguised mine wholly from her , not thinking it fit to make her acquainted with my late adventures : she told me , that the occasion of her late travel was this , that she and two women more of her acquaintance had been perswaded by three gentlemen to a ramble , and had gone-down to such a city in a coach , that they had for some time continued together as three men and wives a● an inn , and there had enjoyed a full plenty of every thing ; but at length the three gentlemen had basely left them to pay a great reckoning in a strange place , and all they had would not make the one half of it , that they had for some time waited in expectation of the return of their friends , but in vain , o that at last it was agreed that one of us , said she , should go f●r london , and procure money to redeem the rest , and the lot falling on me , i have prosecuted the journey ; and hope to raise money to releive and redeem my companions . i hearing this story was sensibly troubled thereat and offered her my assistance , and she so far prevail'd with me , that i le●t her five pound to send to her companions , she promi●ing me to continue either there , or at any other p●ace with me so long as i should please and at our coming to her quarters at london to repay me my mony with many thanks . to all this i agreed , and the next day she conveyed mo●● part of the mony to her companions by a ●oach that travelled ●●ither : and thu● did i enjoy this lady for many nights together , and lying at rack and manger : the hor●e i ●ent back at the directions of the trooper , who like●ise continued with his hoste●s , a●d only my purse paid for all ; but indeed we lived sparingly enough , the trooper being one of the honeste●t travellers that ever i met with . the coach-man who carried the money to the a●●licted and distressed damoysels , returned , and with him the ladies , very glad of their safe ●e●urn , and very thankful were they , not only to their companions who sent it , but also to me of whom she said she procured it , and now we ●ll thought of removing to london , but one night more we lay at o●r old quarters , where i had the greatest frolick i was ever guilty of , for that night i kist with all three of the women , and pleased them round , by giving each of them a tryal of my skill . wha● now could i desire to enjoy further ? i thought my self to be as brave a fellow as the great turk in his seraglio , he having but his choice of women . which i now enjoyed to my f●ll content . but morning coming , we took leave of our hostess , and the trooper , and all four taking coach , soon came to london , where i took up my quarters with my three damsels , who made very much of me , and indeed they were the ho●estest wenches , and i had the best frolick that i ever had in my life , but in time i was weary of this life , for what man can last out always ? and i finding my pocket begin to shrink , bethought me that it was fit to leave off in time , for all my silver was gone ; and ten pound of my twenty pound in gold : but i selling my watch and rings raised ten pound more ; with this stock of twenty pound i was resolved to retire , and fit my self for some employment . my three ladies never offered to return me the five pound i had lent them , neither indeed could i handsomely expect it ; for they had been very liberal in their expences , and had declined all other company to accommodate me . they heard of their three gentlemen who had trapan●d them in the country , and so wisely plaid their cards that they gained all their money again , i ass●sting them , and pretending the man of the house had assigned the money to me . i scorned to pocket any of it , but gave it amongst them ; and so being resolved to take another course of life , i retired my self from them : and to the end that i might be fitted for an employment , i hired one who was well known therein , to teach me to write more perfectly than i could formerly , as also arithmetick ; i likevvise hired several books of a stationer , for vvhich i gave him so much per week ; these being chiefly knight-errantry and romances , i took much pleasure therein . i had a mind to diversion and went to visit my damoyselles and thus did i live the pleasantest life in the world ; but i had so much reason as to think that things vvould not last long as they vvere , and i had no inclination to stealing , more vertuous thoughts had now possessed me , and therefore a trade being the only thing that vvould maintain me ; i enquired for one , and setled my self , as you shall hear in the next chapter . chap. xi . he being new come to london , puts himself prentice to a taylor ; he gets acquaintance with prentices of all sorts ; is with them at their tavern-frollicks : he is employed by a scrivener to make cloaths for a wench , he goes with him to her , and returning , the scrivener promises him an account of that trade ; the scrivener recounts the waggeries he committed the first three years of his apprenticeship , and his masters first cheats by counterfeiting a seal . being now tome to london , i was resolved not to be idle , but settle my self to some one trade , that i might be able to get a living ; and having already had tryal of several at fitst a barber-surgeon , then a tapster , a cook a lock smith . taylor , baker and plaisterer : and being still forced for some reason or other to leave them all , did now resolve to fix upon one that should do my business , and vvhereby i might at all times , and in all plaees , be able to live by my hands , for lands i had none . i considered of all the trades i had already been a practitioner in , and many others none suited so vvell vvith my humour as that of a taylor ; wherefore i sought for several masters , but they vvere all unvvilling to take me for less than seven years , it being the custom of london that none can be bound for less time , nor be made a free-man till they have served so long . i vvas unwilling to bind my self on those terms , knowing my temper was variable , and did believe , i should not hold out to serve such a term : but after several enquiries and tryals , i did light upon a master who was willing to take me for five years , only this i perswaded him to do in regard i already had a good hand in working and being industrious in my employment , so that though i was bound for seven years , yet i had a writing under my masters hand ; that the last two years i should dispose of my self as i pleased , and yet he could make me a free-man at seven years end . my master was not only a taylor , but kept a brokers shop , wherein he sold all sorts of cloaths , new and old ; he lived in one of the prineipallest streets of the city , and was in good esteem with his neighbours , who were all persons of some quality not of the meaner sort but substantial trades-men , as goldsmiths , grocers , drugsters , scriveners , stationers &c and i ( being now well fitted with cloaths , and having m● pockets pretty well lined with money which i had still kept by me ) was a fit and welcome companion to the best sort of apprentices , in whose society i did soon insinuate my self , and having money to spend equal with the best , i came acquainted with a whole gang of such blades that all my former knowledge was nothing in comparison to vvhat i soon experimented from them ; for their masters being of the vvealthiest sort of citizens , and keeping country-houses at newington , hackney , stepney , &c. they often had opportunity in their absence to meet and keep their club or general rendezvous , vvhich vvas commonly every other night , at one of the taverns near adjoyning : and my master ( vvho did well enough understand that i was frequently abroad behold , my face all smearen , my cloaths set full with patches upon the whole cloth , a red clout upon my leg , and supporting my body with a staff , as if i had been a meer cripple . many a mile we rambled , yet keeping still in our own station , for fear of the vpright-man : but my counterfeit plea for begging was at last discovered , and to all my dainties , i had whipping chear added ; for going one day not far off from a farm house , the stragling hens invited me to have a throw at them with my staff , and having struck one of them , i had forgotten my lameness , but very nimbly ran and took her up , putting her under my pacht coat , where i had a bag sewed in that was a receptacle for all stollen goods . it chanced that the farmer himself was then on the other side of the hedge , who undiscover'd by me , saw my activity in the stealing of his hen , and was resolved , though i put it up , that he would not . but i dreading nothing , thinking my self unseen , went directly to the house , and as soon as i came into the yard , fell to my old trade , leaning on my staff , and drawing my leg after me , as if scarce able to stand , much less to run . having gotten to the door , i began to set up my tone with a good tender hearted people , be pleased to bestow your charity upon a poor miserable wretch that is both lam● and hungry ; one penny of silver to buy him salve for his sore leg , or one morsel of victuals to put into his belly that hath had nothing come in it this couple of days . no sooner had i ended my maunding , thinking to mump the farmer out of some money , or at leastwise some bread to my hen , but he having watch'd me now , seiz'd hold on my arm , and told me , that though it might be true that i had not latel● eaten , yet he saw i was resolved to be better provided for the future , and so turning back my coat , discover'd my bag , where was not only the hen , but some other provant i had lately purchased . i finding my self caught , would gladly have given him the slip , but some of his servants , as well as himself , stop'd me , without any more ado , the harman-beck was sent for , who being a neighbour , quickly came , and by this time , i had a great train of boys and girls to attend me : i needed not much examination being thus taken in the manner , but however , they were all desirous to see my sore leg ; i was forced to let them do what they would with me , knowing there was no remedy but patience , suffer'd them to unrowl and take off the clouts and rowlers that was upon it , when coming to the skin , that was as whole and as sound as a fish ; but though my leg was well and whole , my heart was now almost broken with consideration of what they would do with me ; some proposed one punishment , and some another , but at length to the whipping-post i was led , where my doublet and shirt being stript off , my back was so long lac'd with a cart-whip , that i caper'd and flownc'd like a horse in a quagmire , and i was as fast too , being hand-cuffed so that i could not stir . it was well it was the spring time , for i lost blood enough to purge away the gross humours without the help of a surgeon ; that office being supplied by a thrasher , who took as much pains upon me , as would have thrash'd a bushel of pease ; but at length there was a cessation , and a new parlee began , wherein it was propounded , that further course should be taken with me , and considering that there was a kind of felony committed upon the hen , they advis'd , and agreed to lead me to the next justice of the peace to have his judgment in the case , tho i thought it unreasonable to suffer punishment first , and then to be judged ; yet it was to no purpose to complain , and all i could say , would not prevail with them to let me go , but they would conduct me to the justice , so that i having put on my cloaths , my shirt stuck to my back , and made me sensible that i had lost leather , but for all that , on i must , and the justice living a mile off , the thrasher who had lash'd me , and two or three others , made holliday to attend me : when we came before the justice , he hearing that i had been punished already , was pleased , at my opportunity , to acquit me from any other , and onely to make a pass to send me home to london , being the place where i told them i was born : i not having power to contradict , was forced to consent to what was commanded , and that constable attending me out of his liberties to another constable , left me : this new constable , who now had me in keeping , not being willing to go further with me , for that night put me up in the cage , where i was lock'd up , but not so safely , but i made shift to break out , and travelling all night , by the next morning , i was far enough off for them to o'retake me , for all that day i conceal'd my self in a wood , and when night came , i proceeded on my journey ; but it so happened , that on the second night of my travel , about midnight , i was overtaken with three persons , who demanded where i was going , i told them any whither ; they asked me , what i was , i replied , a wretched person whom fortune had persecuted , and therefore i was indifferent whether i went , or what i did . hearing me say so , they retired to consult about their affairs , and then one of them coming up to me , demanded several questions of me concerning my late course of life ; to all these questions i returned them such answers , as caused them to conclude me a rambler , and therefore fit for their society , and therefore they asked me if i were willing to hazard my self in enterprising somewhat , that though it might be something dangerous , yet it should be very profitable . to this i answered , that they should soon find my willingness expressed in the boldness of my actions , and if seconded or assisted by them , i should act any thing they would direct and appoint . they hearing my reso●ution , soon consented to admit me into their society , and acquainted me with their present purpose , which was to rob a house not far from that place : they told me that i must be valiant and bold , ( not in fighting ) for they knew they should meet with little occasion to exercise any weapon , but in entring the house , and performing other such matters as they should instruct me in . i told them i consented to what they should propose , and therefore desired them to tell me what part i was to act in this enterprize , and as for a part of the purchase , i should leave that to them , which i desired them to give me as i should deserve . then one of these persons told me , that he was very well acquainted in the house , and gave me an account of the several ways and passages into every room , and who was lodged in such chambers . in fine , i discovered that there was but two men , and three women-kind in the house , and he being a coachman , had lately brought the master of the house home with two hundred pound , of which he had a desire to rob him ▪ and therefore had joyned these two persons with him in the confederacy . being thus instructed , we proceed , and being arrived at the house , i was put in at a window , and directed how to open the doors , which i did , the coachman stayed below-stairs , and we other three by his directions went up into the chambers , the doors we soon opened , and coming to the bed-side , where the master of the house and his wife was , we drawing our swords , ( for i had the coach-mans delivered to me ) opened our dark lanthorns , and seeing the man and woman , without many words , we bound and gagg'd them ; and they leaving me to watch them , went into the other chambers to do the like by the rest : i being left alone in this room , was not idle , but rummaged about , and found a gold watch , a few rings , and twenty pieces of gold , these i secured for my self , and soon after my companions returned , wh●n taking the keyes out of the gentlewomans pocket , we soon found what we came for , the two hundre● pounds , and so marched off without any stay , or the least interruption : the coachman stayed below in the hall , where he had made a strict search , and had likewise plundred something from thence which a●ter turned little to his profit : but we all left the house with the doors open , and marched with the spoils of the field , bag and baggage , to a house about a mile distant , where they were so courteous as to give me fifteen , pound out of the profits of their adventure . i ( being sensible that i was well enough paid , in regard of the gold and other things i had conceal'd ) thankfully received it , and so left them , marching on further to the next great town , where the next day i understood a great fair was to be kept , and therefore i thought that place the most fitting to conceal my self in , and be freest from suspition . i got in a barn and rested my self , taking some sleep ; but was much disturbed , being in great fear lest some mis-fortune might befall me : and to the end that i might be the freer from suspect , in case of a hue and cry , i went to a sales mans booth which was in the fair , and furnish'd me with a sad couloured sute and cloak , citizen-like , that i might pass for such a one if occasion were ; my old cloathes i left behind in the barn where i stripped my self . thus did i escape all danger , but my companions fared worse than i , for the covetous coach man not having any thing else whereon to exercise himself , stole a looking-glass which was below stairs , while we were above , and to conceal it from the rest of his companions , put it in his codpiece . when they had sufficiently stayed at the house where i left them , and had shared the prize , they went to go homewards , but being flustred with the bottles of wine they had for joy drank off , they made it so long , that it was seven of the clock in the morning ere they parted , and then were they overtaken by the hue and cry , with a constable , who thought he knew the coach-man very well , and did not suspect him , yet seeing him and his two companions so flustred , and somewhat to hang out at the knees of the coach-man 's breeches , they made some stay , asking whether he had lately been at some wedding and had bride-laces , which he had put in his breeches . the coach-man being somewhat blank'd at this discovery , knew not what answer readily to return : this caused them to examine him who they were that were his companions , and where they had been ? they were all now deeplier surprized than before , which gave such great suspition , that occasioned a search , and in the end they found what they sought for , ( the money ; ) and that which hung out at the coach-mans breeches , were some ribbons that were fastned to the looking-glass . upon this discovery they were all apprehended , carried before a justice , and upon examination being found directly guilty , committed to goal . this did i hear of at the fair that afternoon as i was drinking in a booth : at the recital of this story , if any one had observed me , they might easily have conjectured that i was concerned therein ; for i was possessed with so much fear , that i looked like one rather dead then alive : but there was no occasion to suspect me , for the three others my companions being taken , and with them the greatest part of the money , there was no occasion to make any further enquiry . then did i bless my good fortune that i had left them so suddenly , and was so much out of danger , and that evening i poceeded further on in my ways towards london ; but being well furnished with silver and gold , i took up my quarters in a very good inn , where i had a good supper and saft bed , and slept very well , considering the trouble i was in . at this inn i stay'd several days to hear what would become of my companions , for the assizes were then at hand . i received this satisfaction , that they being tryed , were all cast for their lives ; the coach-man hang'd , and the other two were to be transported . this was the end of my peice of thievery , and i did then resolve never to hazard my self again in such matters , lest i came off with as bad success as the coach-man . i stayed so long in this inn , pretending to wait the coming of a sister of mine , that one day who should arrive there but the maid-servant who lived with the plaisterer i had served , and as i suppose was the cause of his drowning : now was i in greater fear than before , for i had lately escaped hanging for theft , and now expected it for murther ; and i knew that this wench was malicious enough against me , and would rather injure me by her exclamations , than secure me by her silence ; i therefore intended to give her the go-by , but could not , for she had now cast her eye upon me , and discovered me , and came straight up to me to speak with me . how now says she , you have made a fair ramble ! is it not time to return ? well said i , be silent a little , and let me speak with you in private ; and thereupon taking her by the hand , i led her into a private room , where calling for some drink , i enquired of her how all our friends did , and more particular for my master why said she , you know well enough that he is dead . at this word i was more dead than alive , neither was i for the present able to ask her any more questions . the drink being brought in , she drank to me ; well , said she , however i am glad to see you here ; so am not i ( thought i : ) but recovering my lost senses , i demanded of her how long my master had been dead , she replyed , a fortnight , nay , thought i , then the case is not so bad as i suspected , and therefore i proceeded in questioning of her how he died , and many other questions , she answered , that he died of a feaver , which kept him not above fourteen days sick , and he being dead , she was now returning into the countrey to visit her friends . now was i fully satisfied that i needed not fear any danger , wherefore i called for a bottle of canary , which we drank off , and she related to me , that he was not much hurt by the fall that i gave him , for he went again to work the next day , and had made much enquiry after me , but as yet in vain . i told her , that i indeed doubted that he had been drowned by the fall which he had received into the water , and therefore had absented my self ever since from london , wandering up and down in several disguises : but , said i , i will now go to london again , but never to serve out my time at that trade ; for if i come upon a scaffold again , i shall be much frighted with the remembrance of that disaster . she told me , that now i was free to dispose of my self since my master was dead , and might chuse my trade and master . thus did we spin out several hours of that day and night together , till it was time to go to bed , and then we parted ; she the next morning proceeded in her journey into the country , and i pursuing my resolutions of going to london , likewise went forward , but by the way , met with an adventure , which i shall relate to you in the next chapter . chap. xvii . in his iourney to london , he overtakes a trooper and a wench , he lyes with her and two more of her companions , and after this frollick , he goes with them all to london . i was now resolved nothing should hinder me from proceeding in my journey to london , and that i might get thither the sooner , i endeavoured to borrow a horse , but could not procure one , i being a stranger , every person was unwilling to trust me : but at noon-day , staying for a bait , i happened into the company of a trooper , who was likewise travelling to london , we dined together , and he asking whither i was going , i told him : he said he should be glad of my company : i said , it would be very pleasing to me , if i might enjoy his , but that i could not , because he was better furnish'd for a journey than i was , being provided with a horse , and i on foot : he told me , that inconveniency might be supplied , for there were horses in the stable to be let : i told him , that i would give any consideration for the hire of one , and that he , if acquainted , might do me much kindness in procuring me a horse , engaging himself that i should leave the beast at his london quarters . my host being well acquainted with him , and he being to ride along with me , was contented : and i paying five shillings for his hire , had the horse delivered to me , and on his back i mounted , thinking my self to be some brave fellow : as we rid along together , we overtook a female creature , young and handsome , in somewhat an ancient decayed , but gentile garb . the trooper being a notable well experienced blade , soon fell into discourse with her , and found her to be a rambling baggage , whose journey was now intended for london , and would be glad of our company , were she accommodated with a horse : to that i offered her my service , and agreed that she should ride behind me , to which she assenting , soon mounted , and now we merrily put on , holding a pleasant discourse with our female companion : i had a great desire to take a better view of her than i could , being thus on horse-back together , and therefore perswaded the trooper to make a halt at the next town , which we came to , where we all dismounted , and i saluted my lady , who kindly received my courtesie . the trooper after some discourse , was well enough acquainted with the lady , having oftentimes been merry with her , and others , at the house where she lodged in london . he call'd me on one side , and told me , that she was a person whom he had been formerly acquainted with , and so might i too , if i would , and if i had any desire thereto , he could and would assist me . i told him he had done me many kindnesses in the small time of my acquaintance , and now he had offered that which exceeded all ; for indeed , i was much taken with her beauty , and very desirous i was to enjoy her . well , said he , let us be going from hence , and make you your bargain with her as you ride along by the way , and i will take such care in the business , that you shall be entertained as man and wife at my quarters , and there lie together . i was infinitely glad of this his kind proffer , and thankfully accepted thereof , and so after some little longer stay , we again mounted our steeds , an put forwards : according to his instruction , i courted my mistress , and without much difficulty , obtained her promise to permit me to lie with her , and so we rid on till we arrived at the troopers quarters , where he told his landlady , that he had brought her some guests , for this young man and his wife , ( said he ) pointing to us , will stay here all night ; they shall be welcome said the hostess , and so a supper was provided ; for as we did eat and drink with a very good appetite , and my landlady did accompany us , who i found was very well respected , and familiar with the trooper ; and bed-time being come , which i much desired , i and my lady went to bed , neither did the trooper lie alone , for our landlady was his bed-fellow ; how he spent the night i know not , but i am sure for our parts , we slept but little , for it was the first time that i ever enjoy'd a woman naked in my armes all night , and i was ravished with delight , never having had so much pleasure . my bed-fellow was well enough contented with the entertainment i gave her ; we discoursed of one anothers fortunes , but whether she told me the truth of hers , i know not , but i disguised mine wholly from her , not thinking it fit to make her acquainted with my late adventures ; she told me , that the occasion of her late travel was this , that she and two women more of her acquaintance , had been perswaded by three gentlemen to a ramble and had gone down to such a city in a coach , that they had for some time continued as three men and wives at an inn , and there had enjoyed a full plenty of every thing ; but at length the three gentlemen had basely left them to pay a great reckoning in a strange place , and all they had , would not make the one half of it ; that they had for some time waited in expectation of the return of their friends , but in vain , so that at last it was agreed , that one of us , said she , should go for london , and procure money to redeem the rest , and the lot falling on me , i have prosecuted the journey , and hope to raise money to relieve and redeem my companions . i hearing this story , was sensibly troubled thereat , and offered her my assistance , and she so far prevail'd with me , that i lent her five pound to send to her companions , she promising me to continue either there , or at any other place with me , so long as i should please , and at our coming to her quarters at london , to repay me my money with many thanks . to all this i agreed , and the next day she conveyed most part of the money to her companions by a coach that travelled thither : and thus did i enjoy this lady for many nights together , and lying at rack and manger : the horse i sent back at the directions of the trooper , who likewise continued with his hostess , and only my purse paid for all , but indeed we lived sparingly enough , the trooper being one of the honestest travellers that i ever met with . the coach-man who carried the money to the afflicted and distressed damoyselles , returned , and with him the ladies , very glad of their safe return , and very thankful were they , not only to their companions who s●nt it , but also to me , of whom she said , she procured it , and now we all thought of removing to london , but one night more we lay at our old quarters , where i had the greatest frollick i was ever guilty of , for that night i kist with all three of the women , and pleased them round , by giving each of them a tryal of my skill . what now could i desire to enjoy further ? i thought my self to be as brave a ●ellow as the great turk in his seraglio , he having but his choice of women , which i now enjoyed to my full content . but morning coming , we took leave of our hostess and the trooper , and all four taking coach , soon came to london , where i took up my quarters with my three damosels , who made very much of me , and indeed they were the honestest wenches , and i had the best frollick that i ever had in my life , but in time i was weary of this life , for what man can last out always ? and i finding my pocket begin to shrink , bethought me that it was fit to leave off in time , for all my silver was gone , and ten pound of my twenty pound in gold : but i selling my watch and rings , raised ten pound more ; with this stock of twenty pound i was resolved to retire , and fit my self for some employment . my three ladies never offered to return me my five pounds i had lent them , neither indeed could i handsomely expect it ; for they had been very liberal in their expences , and had declined all other company to accommodate me . they heard of their three gentlemen who had trapan'd them in the countrey , and so wisely plaid their cards , that they gained all their money again , i assisting them , pretending the man of the house had assigned the money to me . i scorned to pocket any of it , but gave it amongst them , and so being resolved to take another course of life , i retired my self from them : and to the end that i might be fitted for an employment , i hired one who was well known therein , to teach me to write more perfectly than i could formerly , as also arithmetick ; i likewise hired several books of a stationer , for which i gave him so much per week ; they being chiefly knight errantry and romances , i took much pleasure therein . i had a mind to diversion , and went to visit my damoyselles , and thus did i live the pleasantest life in the world ; but i had so much reason as to think , that things would nor last long as they were , and i had no inclination to stealing , more virtuous thoughts had now possessed me , and therefore a trade being the only thing that would maintain me , i enquired for one , and setled my self , as you shall hear in the next chapter . the extravagant prentices with their lasses at a taverne frollick . chap. xviii . he being now come to london , puts himself prentice to a taylor ; he gets acquaintance with prentices of all sorts , is with them at their tavern-frollicks : he is employed by a scrivener to make cloaths for a wench , he goes with them to her , and returning , promises him an account of that trade . being now come to london , i was resolved not to be idle , but settle my self to some one trade , that i might be able to get a living ; and having already had tryal of several , at first a barber-surgeon , then a tapster , a cook , a lock smith , taylor , baker , and plaisterer ; and being still forced for some reason or other to leave them all , did now resolve to fix upon one that should do my business , and whereby i might at all times , and in all places , be able to live by my hands , for lands i had none . i considered of all the trades i had already been a practitioner in , and many others , none suited so well with my humour , as that of a taylor , wherefore i sought for several masters , but they were all unwilling to take me for less than seven years , it being the custom of london that none can be bound for less time , nor be made a free-man till they have served so long . i was unwilling to bind my self on those tearms , knowing my temper was variable , and did believe , i should not hold out to serve such a tearm : but after several enquiries and tryals , i did light upon a master , who was willing to take me for five years , only this i perswaded him to do , in regard i already had agood hand in working , and being industrious in my imployment , so that though i was bound for seven years , yet i had a writing under my masters hand , that the last two years i should dispose of my self as i pleased , and yet he could make me a free-man at seven years end . my master was not only a taylor , but kept a brokers shop , wherein he sold all sorts of cloaths , new and old : he lived in one of the principallest streets in the city , and was in good esteem with his neighbours , who were all persons of some quality , not of the meaner sort , but substantial trades-men , as gold-smiths , grocers , drugsters , scriveners , stationers , &c. and i ( being now well fitted with cloaths , and having my pockets pretty well lined with money , which i had kept by me ) was a fit and welcome companion to the best sort of apprentices , in whose society i did soon insinuate my self , and having money to spend equal with the best , i came acquainted with a whole gang of such blades , that all my former knowledge was nothing in comparison to what i soon experimented from them ; for their masters being of the wealthiest sort of citizens , and keeping countrey-houses at newington , hackney , stepney , &c. they often had opportunity in their absence to meet , and keep their club or general randezvous , which was commonly every other night , at one of the taverns near adjoyning : and my master ( who did well enough understand that i was frequently abroad , and in what company i spent my time ) did not in the least oppose , or contradict me therein ; for i soon found that these young jovial blades , though apprentices , yet they were my masters best customers , for there was none of them but had a sute or two of cloaths a la mode , which commonly lay at our house , which they put on when they had any frollick out of town , either at christmas , easter , or whitsontide , or at any other time , when they pretending some urgent occasions , would give their masters the slip . thus was i one of the gang , and had liberty to be with them so often as i pleased , by the connivance of my master , whose profit consisted in my acquaintance with them ; for i soon brought him some new customers , out of whom he could squeez good store of money for making their cloaths , and sometimes he made three or four sutes at a time , yet had no money for his pains , but he was satisfyed otherwis● in commodities , which were more to his profit ; for the mercer paid his bill in stuffs , the draper in cloth , and the rest either in other good commodities , which they had of their masters , or with which they were furnished by their companions . when any of them intended a new sute for himself , friend , or mistress , it was but summoning the brethren of the club together , and then the mercer brought his stuffs or silks , the milliner buttons , ribbons , and lynings , for which they had in exchange such other commodities as the others could produce : there was only two trades that had little or no commodities to exchange , and that was the scrivener and book●eller , and therefore i wondred from whence they should get to be so fine as the rest ; but i observed what they wanted in wares , was supplyed in money , which was a commodity would command every thing else . how they should get the money i knew not , for i could not imagine that in making of bills and bonds , the scrivener could cheat his master of money , or that the bookseller could sell many books by the by , and put money in his own pockets , for i knew they were not so vendible a commodity as cloath , silk , &c. but one evening we being at our general rendezvous , where we had good wine , and better company , being attended by two or three suburbian females , who were the doxies of our comerades . the scrivener ( having the finest outside , being in his private sute of apparel , and having his pockets well lined with maslin , of gold and silver ) took occasion to court one of the women not only publickly but privately ; and though she were till then a stranger to him , yet he won her from her other friend , and to enduce her to be kind to him , he called me to him , and ordered me to provide her a new gown and peticoat of flowred tabbee , and immediatly calling to our mercer who served us all , gave him as much money as the silk was worth , and all the engagement he desired from the bona roba , was that he might have the first taking up of the peticoat , and then if she liked her old sweet-heart best , she might afterwards use her pleasure , either admitting him or t'other to her embraces , or either of them as she plea●ed , to this they all three agreed , and the mercer who took about four pound for silk was ordered ( by a general vote ) to spend forty shillings of the money for that present reckoning ; and all the rest went scot-free , and after a lusty cup of wine , some dishes of meat , and fidlars ; they for that time broke up their meeting . this liberality and rather prodigality of the scrivener put me into some confusion , and very desirous i was to know how he gained so much money , wherefore i speedily procured the apparel to be made , and delivereth it to him to his content , i so highly pleased him , that he desired me to go with him to the ladies lodging who was to wear it . i accordingly waited on him thither , and she receiving him with much chearfulness , accepted it ; it was soon put on , and it was not long before they retired out of the room wherein i was into another ; where i suppose she was so curteous as to permit him not only to take up the peticoat , and somewhat else to his liking , but to dispose of her at his pleasure , for they stay'd together near an hour . neither was i left alone , but had the old matron of the house , and a young bona roba , to accompany me , where we were not idle , but made the bottles of sack and stepony fly for it : when their business was over ( and ours almost done , for we had so ply'd the liquor that our noddles were fuller of wine than wit ) they briskly entred the room where we were , and without any coyness fell stoutly to drinking ; for seeing us neer thirty one , they with full bowls quickly put us out , so that i was enforced to go to sleep , which i supposed was about hours , and waking , i found my gallants wanting , but i believe they were not at all at that time idle ; for upon inquiry and search , i found them in another chamber together , where i suppose she had fully performed the agreement for her cloaths to the content of the scrivener , who now after a fresh bottle of wine , and payment of the reckoning which was no small one , hearty farewels given , and taken of his mistris , her companion , and the matron , we left that house , and taking coach ordered the coach-man to drive to the next tavern to my master , where we called for a room , wine and a fire , he gave me an angel for my days service , and shifting himself , put on his ordinary , and gave me his best cloaths to lay up at my masters , wishing him to acquaint him that i had been in his company , and that would be sufficient for my excuse : i thanked him for his kindness , and civility , and told him that his bounty had so tyed me to him , that i should at all times be joyful if i might serve him : as for my bounty , said he , i shall for the future be more free to you , and for money you shall not want ; for i am in a capacity to furnish my friends , having the command of a great deal of cash which i know well enough how to order to my own advantage , and it is but reason that i should dispose of some as well as my master ; for it is in my power to strip him of the greatest part of his estate , and ruine him in his credit . i being inquisitive after secrets , desired him to tell me how that trade ( which i supposed , only consisted in the making a few small writings ) could be so profitable : to this he answered , and indeed it was true , they made not many writings , but dealt in much money , and his master had an extraordinary way ; for ( persued he ) if my master wants two or three thousand pound , he can quickly command it , though he began with nothing , and indeed , had every bird her feather , he hath no estate : but he hath such slights , wayes , and confederates , that he can do what he listeth . he hath one peice of brass hath yielded him two thousand pound : that is much said i , and there must be more in your trade then i can imagine , and i would be very glad to be acquainted with some of your mysteries , and since you have promised me your friendship , whatever you shall relate to me , shall be surely and safely closeted up in my breast , and shall never by me be offered to your prejudice , and it may be some of your advice in your affairs may be profitable ; for i have had much more experience in the world than you imagine . this discourse and some other arguments which i used , induced him to give me a relation of many passages of his life : but much of the knaveries of that mysterious trade , which discourse he began to me in this manner . chap. xix . the scrivener recounts the waggeries he committed the first three years of his apprenticeship , and his masters first cheats , by counterfeiting a seal . when i came first to prentice ▪ my master ( by reason of the wars , which caused a general deadness in trading ) had but little to do : but he being one of the confiding party , did thereby get acquaintance with several rich men , and in short time , by reason of the pretended sanctity , was entrusted by a usurer to put out five hundred pound , which he did to his content ; for he had a lease of a city companies which cost seven hundred pound , assigned for security . my master never having dealt in money before , and now finding the sweetness of procuration , and making of writings , longed to be at it again : but though he had moneys offered him to put out , yet he could not meet with any security to content ; for personal security by reason of the casualty of the wars , was generally disliked , and land in the country was for the same reason refused , and only leases in london , or lands about london , was counted sufficient and approved of , wherefore this companies lease , on which he had procured monies , did run much in his head , wishing for such another security , and projecting somewhat , which since he had put in execution , as i will tell you by and by : but i will first acquaint you how i behaved my self for the first three years of my time , whereby my master took so good a liking to me , as to communicate his secrets to me . my master was always good natur'd , and kind to me , but on the contrary , my mistriss was cross and froward , so that i could seldom get a good word from her , and she would still employ me in several pieces of drudgery , as to carry burthens from london to our countrey-house , and then i must bring back from thence fletten or skim'd milk , on which we must feed two or three days in the week , when my master would allow good roast beef , which she would send for away : but i was ●till even with her for her nigardliness , and when i came to the country house , i would usually get my ●hare of the cream ; and being a lover of the pies and puddings , steal some from her . one time i being in the larder , had a great mind to a bak'd pudding that was there , but at first durst not meddle with it , because it was with other good cheer to be served up at the table to dinner , where were some guess : but for all that , the loveliness of the pudding made me take my knife , and turning it upside down , cut out one half of it , and so turning it down again , left it to be served hollow to the table : but i departed for london e're dinner was served , i know not how the maids came off . at other times when i came to the countrey-house , if the fruit of the orchard were ripe , then the gate was lock'd , and i was not admitted therein , but i would have my share by day or night ; for i once invited some of my confederates to church thither on a sunday , and in the sermon time went with them and rob'd our own orchard , which no body else durst attempt because of our mastiff ; nay , i went once from london at midnight , and having some of my copesmates with me , i entred the orchard , and fetcht out the fruit , which i would be sure should be of the best , and choicest of all the ground , and gave it to my companions , and so we returned loaden to london ; and thus did i vex her for her nigardliness , and although my master did well enough suspect me , yet he would only laugh at my mistress when she was most passionately angry , and say , she was but rightly served . but at length my master had a son , who when i came first to prentice was at a boarding-school ; but in time growing up , his mother had a great desire to have him live at home and be a clerk ; for my masters employment increasing , i gained moneys , and bought me some fine cloaths , and wore a watch in my pocket , at all which she was envious , and desirous that her son might enjoy what i did , and therefore bound he was to his father , and though this happened three years after i came , yet such was the injustice that i had done me , that he was not only placed before me in a seat , but i was commanded to make clean his shoes , and attend him , as if he had not been a servant . this though i was forced to comply with , yet i was resolved to be revenged of , and therefore set my wits to work ; i did clean his shoos , but in the edges , instead of greazing them , i anointed them with aqua fortis , and he putting them on , and going to the further end of london , the soles of his shoos fell from the upper-leathers , they being so eaten by the aqua fortis , and he fate at the coblers-stall whilst they were randed together again . he was of so covetous a disposition ( like his mother ) that though he had moneys in his pocket , yet he would seldom spend any at the ale-house , and therefore sate at the coblers-stall two hours , whilst his shoos were made fit for him to walk with , and then he came home , and was soundly chidden by his father , my master , for his staying so long , which pleased me very well that he should be blamed for that fault whereof he had been so often guilty . he being of a sneaking peering humour , i could not be quiet for complaints he made of me , and by his applying himself close to his busine●s , he would dispatch as much writing as i did , though i could when i listed , do twice as much in the time , and when he had done , he would be mending and making his pens ready against business came in , but i would spoil all his pens by cutting one neb of them away somewhat shorter than the other , so that when he came to write , he had his pens to mend or new make , and so curious he was , that his ink must be in a particular standish by its self , whereto i would often put oyl , so that it would not write ; and then for his parchment , he would choose the best skins , and give me the worst and greasie , but i would in his absence greaze his parchment by rubbing it with a candles end . many other inventions i had to hinder and cross him , i found two pair of his gloves one time , and bestowed some cowlich in all the seams on the inside of them , so that he putting them on , his hands quickly fell to itching ▪ and he to scratching , till they were all bloudy , and so hot , that he was forced to put them in a pail of water , and then he cut his gloves in peices , that he might see what was in the inside , which was no small pleasure to me . he being a trouble and vexation to my fellow-servants as well as to me , they assisted me in my wageries and contrivances against him . in his mothers absence at the country house , he kept the key of the cubbord and buttery , to hinder us from the better sort of victuals , but i soon got another key , and had my full share of every thing , and when missed any thing , perswaded him , the rats and mice bere●t him of it . when my mistris came to town she would have her lodging in the chamber over the kitching , because she would hear if we sit up after her : t was a good while er'e i could think of a way to cause her to remove her lodging , but understanding that she could not endure rats and mice , i got a great dead rat , and in the day time put it into her bed between the sheets , so that she opening her bed to go into it , and seeing the rat , was so extreamly affrighted , that she immediately left her lodging , and went into another chamber : but she doubting that we would sit up a nights after she was gone to bed , as indeed we often did , in company of her daughter , who was somewhat better condition'd than her brother , and had many junkets and collations ; she called her son to watch , and he being willing to catch us , would come down part of the stairs softly in his shirt to listen ; but we discerning his practice , strewed the stairs with pease , and nointed the edges with soap , so that one night down he fell backwards , and almost brake his rib with the fall , and gave us timely notice to shift away for our selves : his mother hearing the noise , comming down her self to help him , was served in the same kind , i hearing of this , and all being dark , ran in my shirt and breeches as if newly awaked , and instead of helping them , went to the stairs and wip'd and rub'd them , and conveyed most of the pease , so that my master by that time being likewise up , and having a candle , did not distrust how they had been served , but helping them up , and i assisted my young master to go to his bed , the next day he concluded the house was haunted by spirits : by this means we were rid of his watchings , for after he was once in his chamber of a night , he seldom came out again to watch us . but he would commonly stay in the kitching till he saw us all going to bed , neither would he permit me to come to the fire , upon which account we had a bussel , and i gave my gentleman such a fall , that caused him to remember it a good while after : but his mother remembred me the next morning , for he having acquainted her with the matter , she took upon her to revenge it , which she did in this manner . i according to custom coming to the cistern for water , to water the shop before i swept it , having one finger of one hand in the hole at the bottom of the bottle , and my t'other being employed in holding the bottle , & being stooping at the cock of the cistern , my mistris came near me , and there standing by me in a tub a parcel of durty clouts wherewith the maids had newly washed down the stairs , she takes them up and flaps them about my face , so that i looked as durty as a chimney-sweeper ; and not contented therewith , she jouled my head against the cistern : i thereupon standing upright and feeling my self wet , faced her , who now opening her mouth , made a great noise with her passionate exclamation against me for abusing her son ; i let her go on in her discourse , and apprehending a way to be even with her , coming very near her , let my fingger go from the bottom of the bottle , and holding it over her , it ran all upon her , so that she then having a great belly soon felt her self too wet through , and then she would have been at me again , but i shewed her a fair pair of heels , and ran away . thus was i still even with them both , and my master would seldom do any thing but laugh at what i did , taking much notice of my unhappy wit ; for let her and her son do all they could , i would be sure to have my share of the best sort of the victuals ; and she was of that dirty humor , that at christmas when she made a feast , and a great deal of good chear was drest for her guests , she would then afford us nothing but a dish of stew'd turneps , milk , pottage , or at the best , a leg of beef ; and though much victuals were left in platters , and on trenchers , that she bestowed on the water-bearer or chair-woman , that they might report what a brave house she kept , and not a bit was given to us his servants , unless she had kept it so long till it was mouldy or worse . once i remember she promised us some plumb pottage , and at the time she made two pots full , i asking the maid wherefore so much was made ? she informed me , that one pot full was much better than the other ; i being told which was the best , when my master and mistress were at dinner , got a good bason full of the best , and set it by for my self , and then mixed the rest , so that we had all alike . but to lay aside all these fooleries , and now to the purpose , my master perceiveing me of a pretty smart wit , and fit for his purpose , he employed me in getting of a seal made , the which i did , and it was like unto the companies , which i told you was to the writing , upon which we lent l. he did not tell me the use of it at present , but i soon found it out ; for not long after a deed was made , and the seal being put to it , my master caused one who was his confederate to bring it to our shop at such a time , as he had a usurer in his company who wanted security for moneys . in comes our gentleman , and calling my master aside , asked him if he could procure l. upon such a companies lease ; yes replied my master , if it be a good one ; whereupon the lease was produced , and the usurer being there present , looked on it , and liked it so well , that he agreed to lend l. upon it : this at first would not please the gentleman , because he pretended he was to pay l. but the value of the lease being counted and reckoned at no more than l. he was contented at my masters perswasion to accept of l. upon that security , and my master promised him to furnish him with a l. more on his bond of another person , a friend of his . thus this business was made up , and an assignment or mortgage being made of this lease , the money was paid , and my master , as i soon after understood , had l. thereof , and the gentleman l. and i was likewise rewarded with twenty shillings , which the gentleman gave me . thus said the scrivener , was my masters first beginnings in cheating , which indeed was but small in comparison to those many great ones which he soon after acted ; of which you shall have an account in the next chapter . chap. xx. he discourses of several of his masters cheats , whereby he gets his estate . with this stock of l. my master set up all his knaveries , and being unwilling to venture it all in one bottom , he let l. of it in small sums to house-keepers , which they paid again by the week at least l. per cent. for the use of it ; for if he lent five pound , they paid it by five shillings per week , and had but four pound ten shillings for their money , and my master making the bond in another mans name , he had commonly five shillings , and sometimes ten shillings for procuration , and sometimes i had a shilling or two : thus did he dispose of some . others he lent upon commerce , which was thus : if he lent ten pound , he was to have fifteen pound for it on such a day , or the return of such a ship , which should first happen ; and though there was no such ship in the world came home , yet the time would come , and then it must be paid ; and this being counted an adventure , he could take what interest he pleased , as it is customary with merchants to venture upon bottomrie ; that is , on the bottom or keel of the ship , and then for security of payment of the money , though the ship should miscarry , they are wont to insure it at the insurance-office ; but my master needed no such charge or trouble for insuring any ship , for he was sure the day would come , though the ship never did ; and thus did he make forty or fifty pound in the hundred : but he being once bit and sued in equity , afterwards took a more strict course , for he seldom lent any money thus but he would include in the condition of the bond a warrant to confess a judgment upon default of payment : and to be sure when the time came , and the money not paid , he filled his bond , which was warrant to confess judgment , and thereby obtained a scieri facias , to take execution on body or goods of the debtor , who little dreamt thereof , and then he seized all the penalty , to the undoing of some ; and he seldom lent unto any , but he had two or three bound for security , and that he might not be blamed nor sued , he made his bonds and judgments in the name of one who was his confederate , and was a prisoner in the kings-bench , so that when the penalty was recovered , it was to no purpose to sue him . and by degrees being now in credit , and having moneys of other persons to dispose of , he would seldom lend any but upon morgages , because under the pretence of being paid for writings ( which he would be sure to make large enough ) he would sometimes take five pound for procuring a hundred , and say , though indeed six per cent was as much as his friend the usurer would take , yet he was forced every six moneths to present him with somewhat that should be equal to eight pound per cent , and withal , that he was at charge not only to imploy one at the first to enquire of the security , but he was at the charge of a coach to go to see the estate , and then he will reckon so much for his pains , and so much for loss of time , and so much for writings , and so much for expences , and so much for expedition , and all this must be deducted out of the money : when the six months came that the money was due , then he must have the interest , and so much for continuation ; and this was a courtesie if he let them go so : but if the borrower came not , and readily at the time brought the interest and continuation-money , he had several wayes to bring them in , for suddenly a declaration of ejectment was drawn up and delivered to the tenant or tenants in possession of the premisses , who being frighted at the matter , presently goes to the landlord , who sensible of the matter , hies him to us . if this will no do , then an officer is feed to enter an action and arest the borrower , who then is forced to come and comply upon extraordinary disadvantageous terms ; for after much intreaty , my master may be perswaded to continue it : the interest money being paid , as also continuation-money , charge of declarations of ejectment ( for which we will reckon five or ten shilling paid to an attorney , though it were done by my master , or me by his command ) it may be twenty shillings , or forty shillings , for the arrest , though it may be not above half a crown was paid for it ; and then there must be at least twenty shillings , or forty shillings , to my master for his pains , and if the borrower be not willing to pay all this charge , then will my master ●ee an attorney in earnest , and proceed upon the declaration of ejectment , and in short time get the possession of the estate : and thus put the poor borrower to ten pound charge , and if he refuse to pay this , he shall fair worse ; for although in equity the lender of the money can hold the premises no longer in his hands than till he is paid his debt , interest , and charges out of the rent , yet my master will so order the matter , that the borrower shall never have the estate again ; for ( pretending that the lender wanted his money , and was forced to sell the estate to raise it ) he will pass it away to another , a confederate , for the bare money , interest , and charges that is due on it , or it may be , five or ten pound more ; and this is all the poor borrower can get in equity , which will cost him more the recovering than it is worth . thus have we often had an estate worth two hundred pound , for only fifty pound and interest , and the poor borrower is forced to be quiet , not having any remedy . when an estate is mortgaged to us , we seldom let it go out of our hands , for if the money lent be not brought and paid just on the day , than we put the borrower off till the next six months , refusing to deliver up the writings , and then it becomes forfeited , so that we force them to sell it to us , or give extraordinary fees , to cause us to release our interest ; especially if we discover it to be sold to another , we refuse to shew the writings , and so weary out the borrower with delays and pretences , &c. but this was but small game , to what we after played , as i shall presently tell you , for the l. being all put out in parcels ▪ and though they often returned with profit enough , yet it was very heard to get l. together to pay the money that was borrowed , for now it had been lent a year , and the usurer , though he hath never so good security , yet he loves to see his money sometimes , especially when he deals with a stranger , as the man was as borrowed it ; and though my master might have cheated him of his money , yet he was unwilling so to give over , but proceed in his trade , which had gained him so much ; wherefore my master upon search and inquiry , found that the same company ( whose seal he had counterfeited ) had a parcel of land in the countrey , not far from london , which they had let to a wealthy citizen , who had given over trading for some years , and now lived in the country : my master getting the particulars of this land soon makes a lease , and with the help of his counterfeit seal , makes it an authentick , so that without much trouble he procures a thousand pound to be lent upon it by another usurer who lived private , and the business was ordered , that the usurer was well enough contented without seeing the land : my master gave his old confederate forty pound to personate the borrower , and then he paid in the four hundred pound that was formerly borrowed , so that only he thereby engaged that the usurer to him , who now had so good an opinion of my master , that he soon made it up fifteen hundred pound , and desired him to procure him either good security , or a purchase for it : all which was done in a fair way , to the usurers content , and my masters profit : and thus did our trade increase , my master getting much money , and many a crown , and half-peice came into my pocket ; for he knowing that i was privy to the first cheat , did humor me very much , and took his son off from abusing me , and caused every body that borrowed money to give me some gratuity for expedition , so that i had money enough , and the keeping of all my masters cash is committed to my charge : my master had one rare contrivance lately , which i will tell you of whilst it is in my mind ; and thus it was , he had a kinswoman who had long lived with him , and some moneys he had of hers in his hands , which was a legacy formerly given her by another . this maid being courted by a shop-keeper in way of marriage , the match went forwards , and was agreed upon on these terms ; the shop-keepers father was to give him a hundred pound in money to put him into stock , and my master was to give his kinswoman fifty pound , this being agreed on , my master takes the young man aside , and thus discourses him : young man , here have i agreed to give fifty pound with my kinswoman , which gains you a hundred pound of your father , now i having not ready money by me , must borrow this fifty pound , for which you must be bound with me , and when it becomes due , i will pay it ; this i say you must do without acquainting your father , and so the business shall be done , and i pray be a good husband , &c. the young man soon consented , the marriage was consummated , and all things went well for a while , but within twelve months the young couple having run out all , my masters kinswoman came again to her uncle to acquaint him with their condition , and desire his advice and assistance ; my master was much troubled at this chance , for he expected the contrary , and intended to get back the fifty pound for which end he had the young man bound , that he might be forced to pay the money , when in a condition ; but seeing it was otherwise , he considered the matter , and wish'd her to send her husband to him , and be patient , and make no words , and all should be well : her husband according to order came , and after several checks past for his ill husbandry , he asked him if his father knew any thing of his condition ? no , said the young man , i have kept it from his knowledge , and he thinks i thrive in the world , and is glad of it ? well them said my master , you know i gave you fifty pound , for which you were bound , and indeed it is still unpaid : now if you will be contented to pay that fifty pound in , i will raise you two hundred pound , so that you shall have fifty pound more in ready money , and see how good a husband you will be . to this the young man gladly consented , and my master soon after took an occasion to meet and drink with his father , and after some other discourse , they joyntly talked of the young mans thriving in the world , and were both glad of the match and good husbandry : but said my master , now i think on it , there is now an opportunity of doing him much good if he had more money , and therefore you would do well to furnish them ; i shall not be backward , replies the father , upon a good account , therefore i pray tell me the business : my master thereupon told him , that with two hundred pound more he might be bravely setled and furnished , for the lease of his house is to be sold , and i can get it for a hundred pound , and that is a rich penny-worth , and the other hundred pound , i would have him to lay out in furnishing his shop more plentifully , than now it is . truly reply'd the old man , this would do well : but i have no money at present , neither if i had should i be willing to part from any more than a hundred pound at a time ; well for that said my master , if you please , i will mannage the matter : thus will i procure two hundred pound for the young man , nay , and i have so great a love for him , that i will be bound with him for it , and when it ●hall be due , you shall only pay one hundred pond of the money , and your son the tother : to this the old man after some pause , and a little consideration consented , the business was done , and and the money paid . my master indeed being acquainted with the landlord of the young mans house , gained a lease of it for eighty pound , and made the young man allow a l. and deducting the fifty pound he had formerly given him , he gave him t'other fifty pound . thus had my master his fifty pound again , and twenty pound for his pains in the business . when the mony became due , my masters confederate the usurer , in whose name the bond was made , demanded the money of the young man , where there was none to be had ; and the old man was willng to pay only a hundred pound of it according to contract , where shall i have the rest , said the usurer ? why truly said the old man , if my son cannot pay you , then let his wives uncle , meaning my master : but course was soon taken otherwise , and my master being fir●t and principle in the bond , made no more ado , but confessed judgment , and thereupon execution was taken out against them all , but only upon the old man , who was forced to pay all the money . thus my master , by being principle in the bond saved himself , regained the fifty pound he had formerly lent , and gained twenty pound , besides making of writings , and this , said he , will serve to help my kinswoman when i see occasion . i have heard him with good attention , and considering with my self my own petty rogueries , and how inconsiderable they were in comparison of what he had related to me , could not but burst out into admiration , and told him , that i saw the world was an absolute cheat : and now i find that saying to be verified which i had often heard , that the world consisted but of two sorts , knaves and fools , and that the one lived by out-witting and cheating the other ; and if there were any honest men , they were such as only lived a contemplative life , and dealt not in this world ; their whole thoughts being taken up in the contemplation of another ; truly , reply'd the scrivener , if you had known so much as i of all sorts of people , ( for we deal with people of all qualities and professions ) you would conclude so indeed : and as the poor mans ability will not carry him high enough to cheat so much at first , so he attempting it , and being discovered , is quite lost : but if a rich man or any who had success in knavery sets upon it to get an estate , it is soon compassed , and the folly and easiness of many honest borrowers , enriches the knavish lender . thus we both concluded , as sufficiently evidenced by the examples he had given me : and therefore i desired him to proceed , which he did in this manner . chap. xxi . he proceeds in discovering several considerable cheats of his masters , whereby he grows very rich ; also some cheats of his own , and so concludes . my master ( continued the scrivener ) being now possessed of a thousand pound in ready money , there fell out an opportunity of good advantage , ( and i have observed it , that there is no loss , but profit enough to be gained in keeping five hundred pound always in a readiness in cash , especially in our trade , where so many offers for sale of land and houses are daily made . ) the landlord of my masters house was lately dead , and his son and heir being a wild blade , soon spent all the ready mony his father left , and all the debts he could well get in ; and now to selling of some of his houses he must go , and my master known to be a moneyed man , and a scrivener , was thought to be the best customer : he therefore propounds borrowing of five hundred pound , but my master being now possessed of a round sum , and hoping to have a good penny-worth , was very willing to buy . the young man and some friends were unwilling , and could not agree upon tearms , and my master at last consents to lend the money , provided he may have a mortgage of all that estate in that place , which amounted to two hundred pound per annum , which was worth three thousand pound , and said he , you shall not need to make me an absolute assignment or sale of it , only a lease at a pepper-corn a year for one and twenty years : but to confirm it , and for a collateral security , you must give me a statute staple , to which our young man and his friends consented . the lease was made , and a statute for a thousand pound entred into it , and the money paid and lent for six months only . the noise of this , and my masters other trading , brought him into great esteem both with lenders and borrowers , so that his name being up , he may lie a bed till noon , and yet get money enough . a purchase of land in the country was offered , and my master bought it for a thousand five hundred pound , of which he borrowed upon a lease of part of it . the six months quickly came about , wherein his young landlord was to pay the five hundred pound : but ( according to my masters expectation ) he failed , and then it was to be sold , my master agreed to give two thousand five hundred pound for it , and so they struck up a bargain , five hundred he had received before , a thousand pound he made a shift to borrow upon the mortgage of the land he had lately purchased ; ( for , though as i told you he had borrowed five hundred pound of the money when he purchased the land , and gave a mortgage of part of it for security , yet he keeping the principal writings in his hands , concealed that mortgage , and now borrowed a thousand pound more of it ) five hundred pound more he raised in ready money of his own , which was two thousand pound , and for the other five hundred pound , the remainder of the two thousand five hundred pound : his young landlord took his bond for the money , not questioning his security for five hundred pound , that could pay two thousand pound ready money , neither indeed had he occasion as yet for it . this being concluded , the money being paid , and writings sealed , my master would not remember to give up the statute he had for a thousand pound , but he had another now for five thousand pound for security of his bargain , and the young man never so much as desired a defeazance upon the statute , but mark what followed : the youngster in short time , keeping riotous company , wasting his body as well as purse , died , and his younger brother seized on his estate that was unspent : and among other things , on my masters bond of five hundred pound , and soon after demanded it , though my master at first was nonplus'd , yet he soon bethougt him of a way how to discharge and acquit himself of it , and thereupon returned this answer . it is very true , your brother and i had much dealing , and i did give him such a bond , which i am ready to pay to his executor , which you tell me you are , provided you pay me what he likewise owed unto me ; why , replyed the young man , did he owe you any moneys ? yea , said my master ; and whereas you produce a bond , which indeed is a very good specialty , i shall produce somewhat that is higher , and indeed the highest security that can be given for any debt , and that is a statute staple : and thereupon he produced one statute first , that was given for a thousand pound upon borrowing of the five hundred pound ; nay , but said the young man , i suppose that this was part of the money that was for the purchase of your dwelling house and others ; for that , said my master , i can shew you a particular receipt for all the money under his hand and seal , and also a general acknowledgment in the deed of conveyance : wherefore this money i must have you pay me first , and afterwards i shall talk with you further ; what do you mean by further talk said the young man ? why , said my master , i mean to have of you all that your brother owed me , which is much more than you think for ; for he and i had great dealings together for great sums of money than all this , as i shall further shew you ; and thereupon he produced the second statute , which was for five thousand pound . this demand of my masters so vexed the young man , that he departed , and soon began his course at law against my master , but he took a wrong sow by the ear , for he finding whereabouts he intended on his two statutes , was too quick for this youngster , and gained a liberate , which he delivered to the sheriff , who served it on all the estate of the deceased , so that by this means all that was unspent of the dead young mans estate ( amounted in land to the value of four thousand pound ) came to my masters hands , and yet he says he is unsatisfied : and the young man the brother of the deceased , cannot help it , for by this means he is bere●t of his estate to go to law : and when money and means is wanting friends are searce ; besides , i know not how he can avoid it , his brother not having taken a defeazance , as he ought to have done . here was a matter worth playing the knave for , and would induce some men to leave off : but my master had so good success in his proceedings , that he is resolv'd to proceed in them . the money that he borrowed on all the mortgages , both counterfeit leases and others , he soon paid off , and yet left himself worth above three hundred pound per annum , and money in his purse . thus having a good estate , and now being full of employment , both for buying , selling , borrowing , and lending : he always keeps a good bank of money . if any purchase of land come at twelve or thirteen years purchase , he buyes it , because he knows of a customer that will give fifteen or sixteen . and thus he will gain five hundred pounds in a weeks time . we lately had one business worth all the rest , and which hath now made him weary of getting money : a knight having a lordship in the country worth two thousand pound per annum , comes first to borrow money , and grants a lease and statute upon the borrowing of two thousand pound : this my master lent himself of his own money , the knight within a month or two being to marry a daughter , wants two thousand pound more , which was likewise promised on the same security : by this time my master was somewhat dreined of his ready money , and knowing that the knight would soon be with him again , he casts about how to raise more : which thus he does , he borrows l. upon a lease of part of his purchase of his dwelling house and others , and keeps the grand writings in his hands ; he borrows a thousand pound on his land in the country , and another party he borrows fifteen hundred pound more upon a lease of part of his purchase of his dwelling house and others , keeping still the grand writings in his hands : and thus having eight thousand pound ready money , he goes to the knight , and upon treaty , agrees to give him thirty two thousand pound for his estate , which price being concluded on , he borrows two thousand pound upon his dwelling house and others , and then parts with the grand writings , and covenants that the estate is free of incumbrances , though he had twice mortgaged it in part : and thus having raised ten thousand pound , he borrows twelve thousand pound more upon part of the new purchase , and the knight is contented to take the t'other ten thousand pound in full of the purchase , at two six months , and only takes my masters bond : this was lately settled and agreed upon , and all writings made , and i doubt the knight will come short of his money ; for my master hath so many statutes which the knight never dreams of , having still given them without taking defeazances , that i believe he will be cut off from his debt , and so must the vsurer that lent my master the twelve thousand pound upon a mortgage of part of his new lordship ; for my master being resolved to make this a piece of wit , and to do his utmost to cheat them all , did the next day after the purchase was made , and writings sealed , caused us to sit up all night , and make an absolute bargain and sale of all that his new purchase to two friends in trust , for the use of his children , so that the vsurer who lent his twelve thousand pounds , had not his writings of assignments sealed till a week or ten days after , and when the time comes for payment , he may be chous'd and defeated of all , and my master being master of an estate of two thousand pounds per annum , may live and laugh at them all for their crudelity ; for he hath so ordered it , that the law cannot touch the estate , it may only reach his person , and as for that , we know it is but a kings-bench matter , and there he may live all his life time , and spend like a lord , and when he dies , his debts are paid , and his estate goes to his children . but if he hath success for two or three more such businesses as this last , he need not do so , but leave the cheat to the last cast , and grow infinitely rich , as i question not but he will. thus said our scrivener , have i given you an account of my masters way to get money , and i have not been without mine : he would many times permit me to cheat a little , because i assisted him , and was privy to his concerns . i have one way that brings me in twenty or thirty pounds per annum ; for all deeds of bargain and sale are to be enrolled in six moneths after the date , either in chancery , if it be land or houses out of london ; or in guild-hall , if within london , or the liberties thereof ; and i was once forced to trot to chancery-lane four or five times for one deed , before i could get it done , and when it was done , all that was to be seen on the deed ▪ was , inrolled such a day and year in chancery , per m● , such a one . i seeing that , learned to write the hand they use in endorsing , and for the future only writ it my self on the backside to shew our clients , and that was sufficient ; for not one in a thousand is search'd for , and this is only done in case the deed be lost , so that now i have got the trick on 't to write on the backside my self , and put that money the register should have , into my own pocket , and that is a pretty quantity , for an indifferent deed comes to twenty shillings at so much per roll. forty other ways have i to get moneys , and indeed , i need not invent ways , for our trade is so great for procuration and continuation , and such like , that i get money enough , more than i can well tell how to spend . i will now conclude , only tell you a story or two , how i have initiated my self in this art of knavery , for my time being suddenly to expire , i thought it necessary to try some expedients , how i might live hereafter , when i came to be for my self ; and knowing that my master could not do any thing at first , without a confederate , ( some body to help and assist him ) i procured the like : we had many indigent persons came to borrow money , some gentlemen , others decayed and decaying citizens , amongst the rest a master of a ship , who had made so many broken voyages , that he could make no more , for he had wearied all his friends with holding parts of ships with him to their great loss ; but he holding to the proverb , that a sea-man is never broken till his neck is broken , was resolved to try his fortune one bout more , and had now with the help of friends made a shift to buy an old barque of near a hundred tun , in which he was minded to go to sea , partly as a man of war , and withall , to bring prohibited goods from france . this man was an earnest suiter to borrow an hundred pounds upon bottomry , or any ways , to victual and fit his ship ; i finding him ingenious , after some conference with him , and he being willing for any undertaking , we concluded to go half snips in the voyage , and i would furnish him with moneys to his content : i soon perswaded an easie friend of mine who had more money than wit , to lend our captain an hundred pounds , promising him great profit , and indeed he was to have fifty in the hundred for that voyage , which was to be finished in two months , and i told him he might ensure his money at the ensurance office , which he did accordingly . our captain being furnished with a hundred pound of the usurer , i made bold with a hundred pound more of my masters , which could not soon be missed out of the cash , and with this the ship was so bravely fitted and provided with all necessaries , that he was offered fraights enough . at last he concluded with one to bring over some rich goods , and the times being dangerous at sea , by reason of men of war at sea , he ensured five hundred pounds upon the ship. the ensurers knowing this , and that the man who had ensured was a substantial merchant , mistrusted nothing ; but likewise ensured five hundred pounds more to the captain , because he had laid out much in fitting the ship , and did it as he pretended for satisfaction of the owners . all things being thus fitted , our captain leaving his policy or deed of ensurance with me , put out to sea , arrived at his port , received the goods on board , but having a parcel of trusty blades with him , and some who had shares in the purchase , he puts the best part of the merchandize on board of a small barque he had hired for that purpose , and that being sent ashore to another port , he soon after ran his ship ashore in such a place as he was not likely to come off , and there ●he perished , he and his companions getting on shore with some small matter of goods in the long-boat : he being arrived on shore , soon writ to me how he had sped , and i being acquainted very well with the ensurers , perswaded them to pay me the money he had ensured first , upon some small rebate ; and he on the other side selling the merchandize on shore , put it into other commodities and sent them home , and himself came home as a distressed passenger , and here the ensurers paid for all : such bouts as these they sometimes met with , and that ●o often , that now adays when a merchant hath ensured , he had need to ensure on the ensurers , and some have done so . when our captain came home , we privately met and shared our profit , and by this i gained two hundred pounds for my share , and this was a good beginning ; and though i hazarded to sea , yet there was le●s hazard than my master underwent in his first attempt in counterfeiting a companies seal ; for should he have been discovered , sorrow would have been his sops . i have now and then had five or ten pound given me at a time for altering a will , and putting in more as a legacy to one than the testator intended , and this i would venture on without much hazard , if the testator were sick to death . my master once made a will , and instead of another , made himself executor , and i and one more of the confederacy were witnesses to it , by this means he gained near three hundred pound . i have oftentimes had a piece or two given me to make writings in favour of one more than another ; for in a lease , if rent reserved be l. per annum , and there be no covenant for payment of the rent , when either of the parties die , if any rent be behind due to the lessee , it cannot be recovered by the executors , administrators , and assigns ; and it hath been usual in all ancient leases , to leave that covenant out as needless , but now people are grown wiser by experience . in arbitration between parties , there is much cunning and knavery to be used , in drawing up an award or final end ; for the scrivener , if he be a friend to , or favour either of the parties , shall do it so as that it shall be void , or not authentick , or not obliging to one of the parties , and yet the arbitrators who are commonly honest harmless men , think they have done their business , when as they have only made work for lawyers . in counter-bonds there may be much partiality used as also in letters of attorney , only putting in his use , for my use , entitles the attorney to receive all to his own use without any account ; and such a thing as this is often slipt over , or not understood , and many a good piece and half-piece comes into our pockets in a year for these actions . it was like to go very hard with one of my master● acquaintance not long since , for he being skilled in counterfeiting of hands , did very artificially counterfeit a citizens hand ( with whom he had some small dealing ) to a bond of l. to pay l. with interest at a day , and when the time came he asked him before some company to pay him that money that he then owed him : yes , said the citizen , i shall do it next week , meaning a small summe which he did directly owe him , and did then pay him , but the other then telling him of his bond of l. and the citizen directly denying of it , a suit was commenced , and the tryal was had at the kings-bench bar in westminster-hall , where the innocent citizen ( seeing the confidence of the witnesses , and indeed his own hand , as he supposed , to the bond , which he could not deny , but it was so , or very like ) and having nothing to say , in a passion cryed out in open court , to desire god to revenge his cause , for he was utterly and absolutely wronged . this being so solemnly protested , made not only the judge , but the jury a little more inquisitive into the matter than ordinary , and called for some papers to compare the hand with other of his hand-writing , but no difference could be found therein . the bond thus passing about to every one of the jury , one of them viewing the bond more narrowly than ordinary , craved leave of the judge to be discharged of his place as a jury-man , and to be admitted and sworn as a witness ; for my lord , said he , i can say somewhat to the matter . this his request was assented to , and he being sworn , began in this manner , my lord , this bond here in court is pretended to be made , sealed , and delivered nine months since , when , my lord , this paper whereon it is written , hath not been in england above four months . how do you know that ? said my lord. the jury-man replyed , my lord , i am a stationer or paper-seller , and to all paper there are several marks , whereby we know and distinguish them ; as pot , piller , crown , cardinals-armes , &c. and my lord , this being such a sort of paper , was made by a young man in france , whose mark is here , and none of it came over till within these four months . at this the judge was satisfied , all people wondred , the defendant rejoyced , and the plaintiff with his swearers , were forced to sneak out of the court , and could not be presently heard of . i once was called to make a will , and the party lying speechless , another there present dictated to me , telling me , that the sick-man he was sure would consent to what he said , which i believing , proceeded and finished the will , but when i came to have him sign it , i saw that he was dead : well , said the party that dictated , if you will be ruled by me , this will shall stand , and yet no body forswear themselves , and said he to me , you shall have a good reward for your consent ; whereupon , saith he , read the will , so i did : well , saith he , you see the party doth not at all contradict what is here written , and now he shall set his hand and seal thereto , which he did by guiding the dead mans hand : now , saith he , if you be questioned , you may safely swear that you read the will to him , and he consented , or at leastwise did not contradict , and that you saw him with his own hand , sign , seal , and deliver the same . well sir , said i , if you are content , i am , and thereupon he gave me the promised reward , i subscribed as witness , and left him , who soon after by vertue of this will , possessed himself of the estate . i had seen this trick of putting a dead mans hand to writings , done two or three times before , and so this was no new thing , and would not contradict any thing that was to turn to my profit . i could tell you thousands of these cheats , and indeed , as one said , there is more mischief done with a dash of the pen , than with any thing else in the way of knavery and cheating . thus did our scrivener conclude his discourse , and we calling for another pint of wine and a faggot , drank and warmed our selves , and so for that time parted . chap. xxii . the booksellers prentice gives an account of his masters first tricks in cheating , by printing books that were other mens copies . after this conference with the scrivener , i went home , and as he told me , my ●aying to my master , that i had been with him , was sufficient , so i found it ; for i was asked no more questions , but went to bed , and there did i recollect to my self , all that he had that evening told me : and though i could not perfectly remember the several terms of art he used , as judgment , execution , scire facias , statute , procuration , and continuation , &c. yet i was sensible of their meaning , and did very much wonder , how any man could sleep being guilty of so many crimes as he and his master were ; yet i found that they slept the better , or at leastwise fared the better by reason of their great wealth ; and then did i compare my forepast life to what i had heard of them , and it was not worth mentioning ; so that from that time , i had a more charitable opinion for my self than formerly , and since i had so good success with my scrivener , i was resolved to be a little more intimate with the rest of the society , especially the bookseller , that i might know how he gained his money , and the next day i had my desire , for meeting him abroad , we went to an ale-house , and there did i discover my yesterdays actions with the scrivener , and thereby induced him to make me this following discourse . truly brother , ( for so we called one another ) you have told me wonders , though so admirable , that i could not have thought so much crafty knavery could have been committed by any man breathing , though i did believe that there was more than i understood , having always heard that it was a dangerous thing to squeeze wax , and that scriveners in general were cunning fellows , but that any man out of nothing should by tricks and subtile contrivances , gain to himself so great an estate , and yet not run into the compass of the law , but now i see the proverbs verified , nothing venture , nothing have , and that a blot is no blot till it be hit , and give a man luck and throw him into the sea. and although i have thought my master a man cunning and crafty enough , and did believe that he who deals in books could not be out-witted , yet i see that a piece of parchment with a seal to it , is better than a great many books , nay , then a whole impression ▪ but that i may give you some satisfaction in what you desire , i shall proceed in my discourse , and though i cannot tell you so many , nor so profitable contrivances as you have related to me , yet those of our calling deserve not to go much behind , and we do our utmost good will to cheat , though it turns not to so good an account . my master when i came to prentice , had but a small stock of books , and those were all in his shop , with which , together with some paper , parchment , pens , and such like stationers ware , he made a shift to pick up an indifferent livelihood ; but he being of a reaching brain , and seeing there were very rich people , such as gained great estates , and lived bravely of the same trade , he made it his business to enquire into their way : the most sorts of books that we sold were testaments , psalters , grammers , accidences , and such books as we call priviledged ware , and indeed were printed for the company in general , and to be had of some of the stock-keepers , or masters of the company , or at the hall , and though our profit in selling these sorts of books was but small , as not above two pence in the shilling , yet it was a certaine commodity , and the sale sure ; whereas other books , either of divinity , history , &c. were not so certain , though more profitable , as commonly bringing four pence in the shilling profit , and thus did we continue buying books of other booksellers , as we were asked for them , and had occasion ; my master commonly keeping to one man , because he could there be trusted and furnished with any book he wanted , it fortuned that a new book being printed , a small thing of about four or five sheets of paper ; it sold so well , that my master went often for them to his wonted place ; one time they had none of them left , but desiring my master to stay , they would send for some , which my master did , but the messenger came back without any , and brought word that he should not have any more of them upon account or exchange , for he now held them at ready money , and that he must have , or he would part from none ; well then , said my master , i will go thither and buy some my self , no , said the master of the shop , you shall not need , i 'le send for some this once with ready money , and you shall have them cheaper of me , then of him , and so h● did , and he received them , and told me , that if he wanted any more , he could be very well furnished with them within three or four days , and the other had been better not to have served him so ; but the book selling very well , all my masters were gone that night , and i went my self to the bookseller who printed them for some , the which i had ; but the next day i went again , he had none , and told me , that i could not have any in a weeks time . i acquainted my master herewith , who being called upon for some of them , went to his old place to see if they had any , they told him they had none at present , but to morrow he might have what number he pleased ; accordingly the next day i went , and brought fifty of them with me ; and then my master ( beginning to suspect that which he afterwards found out ) sent me to the booksellers who printed them , and he had none , wherefore he then concluded , that the bookseller with whom he was wont to deal , had printed them , though they were none of his copy , at which he wondred ; for the greater sort of booksellers did use to inform us , that it was a most heinous and unlawful thing to print another mans copy , so that i think , this was the first time that my master discovered this mystery , for the book continuing to sell , we sold in our shop above five hundred of them ; so that my master beginning to consider with himself , reckoned that he had paid to his dealer above five pounds for these pamplets , and yet got very well by them too : wherefore , not long after coming into the company of a printer , he asked what it would cost to print of a book of five sheets of paper , the printer replyed , pound : by this my master guessed that his dealer had gained half in half by him , for he had paid for half what would cost . my master holding some fu●ther discourse with this printer over a pot of ale , he told him , that he did work for such a man , nameing the bookseller with whom my master dealt , and ●ai●h he , i lately did two sheets for him of a book he gained well by , for i printed for my share ; so that at length , after conference together , they concluded , it was the same book my master sold so many of , and that he had printed it in three or four places for expedition , and that he could not gain less than l. by printing it : i but says my master , how will he do to answer it to the other man whose copy it was ? for that , said the printer , he will do well eenough , for the other is but a young man , and light upon his copy by chance ; and though the law forbids such doings , as the printing one anothers copies , yet the great ones , commonly devour and eat up the little ones , and will venture on it being but a small thing ; and it may be this young man is indebted to the other : and indeed it is a usual thing , and we do such jobs very frequently , especially for the grand ones of the company . but how comes it , said my master , that some or other do not print their copies , as testaments , psalters , &c. as for that , said the printer , it is very dangerous , for if they were taken , it belonging to the whole company , they would be sure to seize on it , and sue the party so offending ; besides , the books are too big for every one to venture on , and will lie too long in hand a doing ; but sometimes such things are done , but in another way , as i can tell . thus ended my master and the printer their discourse of this matter , and my master desired the printer to call on him sometimes , and he would drink with him , and it may be have some employment for him , and thus they parted . my master now understanding thus much of his trade , more than formerly , was resolved it should not be long ere he were doing somewhat : thus pondering in his mind , he could not tell what design to begin with , for we sold little but priviledged ware , and those it was dangerous medling with , neither would my masters stock reach to any thing considerable ; at last resolving to play at small game rather than stand out , he bethought himself , and resolved to print the a b c , a little childs book of a sheet of paper : he knew not then what printer to intrust , for he durst not make use of the former printer , lest he should acquaint his dealer ; but it was not long ere he light upon one fit for his purpose , and to work he went , my master sending in paper , and so they were printed , delivered , and paid for , but when my master had them , he knew not how to dispose of them , lest he should be caught ; but that he might have the better pretence , he went and bought of them of his dealer , and so laying them by , sold his own , and being acquainted with a primer-binder , he got him to exchange with him for primers , and such like small books , he was rid of most of them to his great profit , for he gained , as i have heard him say , above five pounds by that job , which was a great deal of money , and by this means his shop was better furnished with small books and paper , and now he had good credit with the paper-merchant , which before he could not have . not long after , the printer who printed the a b c , came to him and acquainted him , that if he would venture a matter of ten pounds , he might be concerned in printing of a book that would turn to a very good account , and it may be get twenty pound by the bargain : he having had such good suc●ess in the last , ventures upon this : it was a ser●on that then sold very well , and he had another partner , and my master having some money by him , and ●re●ty good credit at the paper-merchants , he found paper , and the other paid for printing , and at two places it was done in a week ; my master putting them ou● in london to the mercuries and others at on●●enn● a peice less than the ordinary rate , and his par●●●● dealing with country-chapmen , sent good store awa● into the country , and thus , though this was a●other mans coppy , they sold all their books in a sh●rt time , and gained l. a pei●e . this was a goo●●eginn●ng , said i to the bookseller , and i did not thin● 〈◊〉 trade had been so profitable ▪ but now i belie●●●hat these courses being prosecuted ; a considera●●●●state may be gained in a short time : that you shall soon hear , replied he : but the discourse being som●●hat long , i shall for the present end , and prosecute the rest in the following chapter . chap. xxiii . he proceeds in the discovery of his masters ways in cheating , in preferring some copies , and other ways of getting copies . my master having now had some experience in this way of printing , was resolved to play above board , and get some copy or copies to print , that he might own , which in short time he did , and glad was he to see his name in print , supposing himself now to be somebody : but these things did him but little good , and sold but easily , he not having the way of preferring books , and sending them to some country chapmen , and the rest of the booksellers , who endeavour to crush any beginner ( and will not sell his books , unless they may have them at their own rate ) would not sell any of them for him ; and besides , now he gave money for his copies , the other costing him nothing : and though a book be never so good , they will not sell with some men , for the others will undervalue and spoil it : as for example , if my master had printed at that time the best book of chirurgery , husbandry , cookery , or the like in the world , and though the book had been famous enough , so that every one desired it , and if asked at any booksellers shop for it , they would have said to their customers , truly sir , there is such a book , but in regard it is a foolli●h idle thing , and of no weight , i have not any of them , i will not trouble my shop with them ; but sir , here is another of the same subject , that is much better , and in great esteem with ingenious and knowing men : if the customer replies be would have only that book and no other for that it was recommended to him for an ingenious well-writ piece , then will he reply , truly sir , i never heard any of your judgment before , till now i was never asked for them ; but sin●e you speak so well of it , i will procure you one : and then it may be , for all this discourse , he will shew you one , as if left by chance , or else send to his neighbour-bookseller for one . thus will he disparage other mens books , and prize his own , and many times put off some of his own , the buyer being so civil as to believe him : and this is a general maxime , that they will not offer , or prefer a book of any mans printing except their own , unless they have it either in exchange , or at a low rate ; and this is the cause that their is some books considerable , and good as any in england , that did not sell at first for little better than wast paper , till some of the grand ones of the company get them all into their hands , and then they sell for three times the price they did . but to leave this discourse and proceed , my master having now printed two or three things , did look upon himself as some body ; and though he had not such good success in his last undertakings as before yet he made a shift to get what they cost him for paper and print , and had many of them still by him to sell when he would , or exchange ; but he having but two or three sorts of books , could not do much good upon that : he seeing this , & observing what books sold best , it being at the beginning of these late wars , found that factious sermons , and such like things would do the business ; he thereupon bestirs himself , and gets acquainied with most of the factious priests about town , by often hearing them and frequenting their companies , and having learned to write short-hand , took notes of their sermons , which he collected together , and now and then he would get them to revise one of them , and print it ; by this means spending much time and mony amongst them , he grew very intimate , and was become the general publisher of most of their sermons and controversies . this was that which brought him great gain , in a short time he could vie with the best , what he sold not for mony , he exchanged for books : and now he could command any book in all the company without mony , upon account , as is the custome . his shop being well furnished , he gets a ware house , where he bestowed his books in quires ; and being thus furnished , he was first spoken to by some country booksellers , and then writ to by them and others , for several books , so that any thing that he printed he could sell off well enongh ; for having good hap to print some very good selling books , they helped away the other that were not so good , and still were thrust into the parcel amongst the rest : and now having some good authors , he would not accept of every one ; and as he formerly had fought for , and courted authors to write books for him , now they ( knowing his way of preferring and selling of books ) followed , and courted him to print their books . if a stranger came with a copy to him , though never so good , he had books enough already ; but however , if they would give him so much mony , he would do it , and they should have two or three , or six books for themselves and friends : many a one did he thus perswade out of their money , being desirous to be in print . if he had a desire to have any thing writ in history , poetry , or any other science or faculty , he had his several authors , who for a glass of wine , and now and then a meals meat and half a crown , were his humble servants ; having no other hire but that , and six or twelve of their books , which they presented to friends or persons of quality ; nay , and when they have had success , if they wanted any more books , they must pay for them : further i have known some of our trade , that when the poor author hath written a book , and being acquainted with some person or persons of quality whereto he dedicates and presents it , the book-seller will go snips and have half shares of what is so given him . m● master being now gotten to the height of his trade , was soon called to be one of the livery of his company , which though it be somewhat chargeable at first , yet it soon brings in profit , there being many conveniencies therein : for they have liberty to put a sum of money into the publick stock , and so great is their profit , that they have seldom less than twenty per cent , and then , when they come to be stock-keeper or warden , they have the disposing of the stock-books , such as are testaments , psalters , &c. and putting them out to print , they often print so many over numbers , that shall serve them as long as they live . in particular , there is no trade that i ever heard of , that gets so much by their commodity ; for whatever we print , if it sells , we get eight pence in the shilling : and for those that deal with country chapmen , they put off the bad well enough at one time or at another ; and if they are very bad , then a new title is printed as if it were a new book ; and what with this and changing , they march off in time . there was one preacher in london that my master was much respective to , for he had gained much money by printing several of his books ( and though my master in outward appearance seems a saint , yet he hath his freaks , and will be merry with his friends , and be prophane enough . ) one sunday my master having been rambling in the fields , entred the city in the afternoon just as sermon was done , and seeing this parson going before him , he stept forwards , and overtaking him , salutes him thus , sir , i am glad to see you so well , indeed sir you have this day taken a great deal of pains , and we are all beholding to you for your soul-saving sermon : how say you , said the parson , what do you mean ? why sir , i thank you for your sermon you preached this afternoon : nay , now sir , said the parson , i see you are mistaken , for i have not preached this day , my master hearing this , was wonderfully surprized , not knowing what to say , but left the parson , and came home discontented at his error . we have several country-chapmen , some whereof owed my master considerable sums of mony , he took occasion to go into the country , and to be sure , he would make it worth his journey , for at every considerable town he would buy some books , and sell them at the next , or send them up to london , and sometimes whole libraries ; and he did take order with all his chapmen , to acquaint him with all libraries or parcels of books that were to be sold , which if worth the buying , he would have . he would also frequent the schools , and by drinking with the school-masters , and discoursing of books and learned men , he would get their custome to serve them with school books . there was one famous country-parson , whom he much desired to be acquainted with , and to him he came , telling him he was troubled in mind , and desired him to satisfie him in a case of conscience , the which he did ; and then for his satisfaction and to oblige him , he prayed and courted him to see him when he came to london , the which he did , and all this was to get the printing of his books . if a customer comes into our shop to buy a book , he hath such ways of preferring and recommending of it , that they seldom go and not buy , for he will open the book , and if it be divinity , shew them one place or another , out of which he will preach to them , and tell them , that very saying or discourse is worth all the money in the world , and if they do not like it when they have read it over , he will take it again : and so many of our trade will promise , but you shall hardly ever get your money again ; you may by chance get them to exchange it for some other book , which they will the more readily do , if there be money stirring in the case . my master having had a book written for him by a poet , the author ( not having the wit to make his bargain , and know what he should have before hand ) when he had finished it , desired payment for his pains : nay , said my master , you ought rather to pay me for printing of it , and making you famous in print . well then , said the author , if you will not give me money , i hope you will give me some books . how , said my master , give you books , what will you have me forswear my trade , and be a book-giver ? i am a book-seller , and to you i will sell them as soon as to another , if you will give me money , paper and print costs money , and this was all the author could have for his pains . my master is now one of the grandees of the company , and that besides the ordinary way gets him something . not long since , he and others went a searching , and finding an impression of unlicensed books , seized them , but instead of suppressing and turning them to wast paper , they divided the greatest part of them amongst themselves , and immediately my master sent some of them away to all his chapmen , and the rest we sold in the shop . it so fell out lately , that a book being to be printed , my master repaired to the author to get the copy , but another of the same trade had been there before , to whom it was in part promised ; but however , ( out of respect to my master ) the other being sent for , it was agreed that they should have the printing of it between them , whereupon one printer was employed by them both to do the work . my master soon after sent for the printer , and tells him , you must do me a kindness : yes sir , said the printer . it is this , said my master , i am to give away to the author some books , wherefore i would have you to print for me above the number , and do not tell my partner , and i will pay you : yes , said the printer , and so he did , and was paid for them accordingly . but the printer seeing the knavery of his imployers , ( for the other had been with him , and engaged him to print the same number of over , pretending some private use he had for them ) he likewise printed over for his own use , and publickly sold them ; and neither of them could or would complain of him to the other , because they knew themselves guilty of the same crime . one of the greatest pieces of profit the whole company hath , is the printing of almanacks , for by that , i believe they clear above l. per annum : but a knavish printer lately outwitted them , for he printed a great number of almanacks , and though he printed but two sorts , yet they served for all the other sorts , only altering the title page at the beginning , and the last sheet which we call the prog , or prognostication ; and these almanacks he affording cheaper than ordinary , as indeed well he might , he sold off a good number of them , which was to his gain , and their great hindrance ; but he is lately discovered , and how they will deal with him i know not . in the late times of liberty , when every one printed what they pleased , if one bookseller printed a book that sold , another would get it printed in a lesser character , and so the book being less in bulk , though the same in matter , would sell it for a great deal less price , and so undersel one another : and of late there hath been hardly a good book , but it is epitomized , and for the most part spoiled , only for a little gain : so that few books that are good , are now printed , only collections and patch●s out of several books ; and booksellers employing the meaner sort of authors in spoiling anothers copies by such epitomies . a young man being lately to set up , was a suiter to my master to speak to the company to lend him l. for a certain time without interest , as is customary : for there are several sums of money left the company so to be disposed of , for the benefit of young beginners . my master knowing his power in general , particularly promised to effect his disires , provided that the young man would agree to lay out his money when received with him : telling him , he would use him well therein : but whether he did or no , you may guess , for he kept not open shop above six months before he broke , and is now gone ●or a souldier , and the company in general likely to loose the money . this replied , i , is one of the worst acts i have heard of , if it were intentionally done , for it is an abuse of the donors will ; but i see it not material with some men , if they get money , how they come by it : but i pray , let me hear the rest of your story . that you shall , said the bookseller , but first let us drink ; which he having done , and i pledged , he proceeded , as you may hear in this following chapter . chap. xxiv . the book-sellers prentice having discovered his masters way of cheating , now discovers his own . thus said the bookseller , have i given you a summary account of the most part of my masters dealing , and the main way how he gained his estate ; for at this time he hath a shop very well furnished with all sorts of bound books , and two or three ware-houses full of books in quires : he hath above l. owing him by country-chapmen ; some estate he hath in land and houses , and a very good stock in the hall , and all this is acquired in six years time out of nothing ; and in this account of my masters dealing , i have acquainted you with the greatest mysteries of our trade : but , said i to him , i must confess you have told me those things i was not only ignorant of , but what i could not have believed could have been done , and so great an estate could have been gained by the bookselling trade , especially from so small a beginning as an a b c : but all this while the mystery is not disclosed ; for though you have told me how your master gets money , yet i hear nothing of your gains , neither indeed can i as yet conjecture how you should be furnished with money ; for i suppose you keep an account of what you receive and pay , and that your master takes care to look into his accounts , that no great matter can be gained that way . 't is very true , replied the bookseller , he does so ; and as he is of a false knavish temper himself , so he is suspitious of me , and very vigilant and watchful over me : but do you think , that i who have observed all his ways and crafty dealing , cannot find a way to be even with him , and put money into my own pocket ? and indeed he does allow of my knavery and craftiness in over-reaching of others ; for he in general is accounted the fittest servant of our trade , that can out-wit and over-reach his brother bookseller ; for it is not so much our keeping shop , and selling a few books to schollars , parsons , gentlemen , nor sending to country-chapmen , for in that we use a constant price , and there is not much wit or craft to be used therein ; but the craftiest part of our pofession consistest in making an exchange note with other booksellers to the best advantage ; and there is our greatest prize : for if any of our chapmen send to us for books , such as we do not print , and such as we are not at present furnished withal , then away we go to that bookseller who is best furnished with them , and desire him to make a note with him , which he ( being desirous to sort himself with some of our books ) willingly consents to ; then do we commonly pretend least use for those books we most want , otherwise we should be sure to go without them , unless we took many of other sorts , that were little better then wast paper ; and so we , by telling our brother bookseller that of such a book they are almost gone , and the like , we put off the greatest number of our worst books , and the fewest of our best ; and being indifferent of taking any quantity of those we most need , we commonly have most put upon us ; and so are furnished with what we desire : and in this way of exchanging books for books , we have the most occasion of exercising our wits , and many times receive commendations from our masters for so doing ; and when we meet with one another , the busine●s being over , triumph over those we have thus out-witted . this business of exchanging brings us prentices acquainted with each other more then any thing else , for that this matter is commonly left to our management ; and on this acquaintance depends the greatest part of our profit : for though we can sometimes when we take money in the shop put up half a crown or a crown for a book that our master knows not of , yet that is but seldome , and little money is given us , unless it be by the better sort of customers , whose books we carry home , and then perhaps we may have a shilling or two bestowed on us ; but this is nothing in respect of our other profit , which i shall now tell you of . we trading for a great deal to chapmen into the country , do print much , and sometimes one book is printed very often , and a number of or cannot be so discovered : sometimes we are in fee with the printer , procure him to print such a number over for us ; which he consents to , that he may do as many for himself : and then for the manner of our selling of them , it is by combination , con●ederacy , and correspondency , which some of us apprentices have with each other ; ●or we have our warehouse as well as our master , and are furnished with much variety ; every one of the combination bringing some quantity to this joynt stock , of what his master printeth ; and then as occasion serveth , we furnish each other : but the chiefest way of making money of these , is by three or four young booksellers , who being newly set up , do buy them of us , it may be two pence in the shilling cheaper then they can buy them of our masters : we have ready money , or at furthest when they have sold them ; and to this end we have commonly one of these booksellers in every considerable place of trading about town , and sometimes we employ a rambling-bookseller to go a birding , and offer them at places , and oftentimes our masters buy some of their own books of this ubiquitarian-bookseller ; and one or two being intrusted with management of the stock gives account to all the rest ; and so we divide the profit : at other times we being employed by our masters to get in books for our country chapmen , we inform them that the book being out of print , we cannot have it without ready money , and then we being ordered to get them , ( for our customers must be served ) we have them out of our own stock , and put the ready money into our pockets . sometimes i have gotten fourty or fifty shillings by being partners with one of the young booksellers in printing a pamphlet ; and if it be an unlicensed thing , we sell them privately to customers in the shop ; if a factious thing , we have our factious customers ; if obscene or wanton , we accordingly are provided with those that buy them : and thus with these ways , and some others , which are too long to relate at this time , i can make a shift to spend fourty or fifty pound a year , to keep my suit of private cloaths , and to allow my wench eight shillings a week , to whom i constantly pay that portion ; and i think my share of the stock at present may amount to fourty pound . and thus you see , that though so many thousands go through the scriveners hands , and so few through mine , yet i can make a shift to get some money out of our paper , as well as he out of his parchment ; and i doubt not , but when i come out of my time , to do as well as the best of our trade ; for having learnt so much in this art , i question not but i shall put it in practice to my advantage . thus did he put an end to his discourse ; and drinking a pot or two more of beer , having had some other merry discourse about the scriveners wench , and such like other matters , we parted ; he , to go meet with some of his brother booksellers , to take account of their private stock ; and i , to my masters about my ordinary imployments , still ruminating in my mind of all the passages that these two blades the scrivener and bookseller had related to me ; and from thence did conclude , that i should find all the rest of our clubbing-brethren stored with the same discourses ; and now i meditated on nothing more then how i might get money enough , for that was the only thing that made crooked things straight ; and if a man have enough of that , he may defie all men . it can make knees bow , and tongues speak against the native genius of the groaning heart ; it supples more then oyl or fomentations , and can stiffen beyond the summers sun , or the winters white-bearded cold . in this we differ from the ancient heathen ; they made iupiter their chief god , and we have crowned pluto . he is master of the muses , and can buy their voice ; the graces wait on him , mercury is his messenger , mars comes to him for pay , venus is his prostitute ; he can make vesta break her vow , he can have bacchus be merry with him , and ceres feast him when he lists ; he is the sick-mans aesculapius , and the pallas of an empty brain ; nor can cupid cause love , but by his golden-headed arrow . money is a general man , and without doubt excellently parted : petronius describes his qualities . quisquis habet nummos , secura naviget aura : fortunamque suo temperet arbitrio . vxorem ducat danaen , ipsumque licebit acrisium jubeat credere quod danaen : carmina componat , declamat , concrepat , omnes et peragat causas , fitque catone prior . iurisconsultus , paret , non paret : habeto ; atque esto , quicquid servius aut labeo multo loquar : quidvis nummis praesentibus opta , et veni●t : clausum possidet arca iovem . the mon●ed-man can safely sayl all seas , and make his fortune as himself shall please : he can wed danae , and command that now acrisius self that fatal match allow : he can declame , chide , censure , verses write , and do all things better then cato might . he knows the law , and rules it , hath and is whole servius , and what labeo could possess . in brief , let rich men wish whatsoere they love , 't wil come , they in a lock'd chest keep a jove . and to conclude , as it commands gods and goddesses , so all sorts of men and women are obedient to him that has the command of this god money ; and therefore i was resolved to put in for a share of it . chap. xxv . the relater with the scrivener and bookseller and their wenches , being merry in a tavern , fall out with other company , and are sent by an alderman to the counter . the relater in revenge , cheats the alderman of his scarlet gown , which is converted into peticoats for the three wenches . i having thus gained an intimate acquaintance with all these my brother-clubbers , did set forth my own good parts ; and they having been open with me in the discovery of their manner of living , and how they furnished themselves with money even to super●luity , i was as free to them in relating many actions of my forepassed life ; by which means they found me the more fit for their society : and i having passed through variety of conditions , as having been of several trades , and informing them of several mysterious cheats which i had performed in them , they all took a very great liking to me ; but there was none whom i so much affected as the scrivener and bookseller , because i ●ound them the best stored with money ; and i often accompanied them to their wenches , where we had extraordinary treatments , and such company as exceeded all the rest ; for i had my lass as well as they ; and though i paid nothing of the reckoning , yet my wench was often as well provided for as theirs ; for i furnished her with cloaths equal to any of them , and then the less money served their turn . we three being one night at a tavern with our wenches , where we passed a winters evening in their pleasing society , our spirits being raised with wine , and the harmony of musick joyned to our ladies voices , in which they all three were very excellent ; it happened that their harmony begot a desire in the people in the next room to be attentive to our musick : the scrivener desiring his lady to sing a particular new song alone , she consented thereunto , and performed it very well , with good applause : one person in the next room , who had given attention thereto , and had lately been in company with the singer , knowing her voice , was resolved by one means or other to see and drink with her ; and thereupon leaving his company , he came into our room , and civilly asking leave , saluted the ladies , and took acquaintance with the scriveners mistress : she being somewhat displeased thereat , in short time took occasion to tell her friend the scrivener that she was much troubled at this accident , and desired his favourable interpretation of this action , for she assured him , she only knew this person as a retainer to the house where she lodged , he coming to another lady there , and not to her ; and withal , she desired him , if he thought fit , to affront and chastise him for this his unmannerly intrusion . her friend the scrivener being thus informed by his lady , called me and the bookseller on one side , and acquainted us with the matter ; so that we suddenly resolved to rid our selves of this bold intruder : when we returned to the fire where we left our unwelcome guest and the women , we found him toying with them and a little more bold then they or we were willing to permit and allow of ; wherefore we gave him some angry words , which he being a bluff fellow retorted , and we striving to force him out of the room , he singgle as he was set upon us all , to the great affrighment of the women , who now beginning to squeak out , our noise occasioned the rest of our guests companions who were in the next room to come into ours , and there seeing their friend set on by us three , which indeed being odds , they fell on us to his assistance : many blows were not enterchanged , before the master of the house and others ( being called by the noise we made , and the clamours of the women ) entred the room ; but all they could do , could not part us , so eager we were in defending , as we thought , the honour of our ladies ; so that the constable was sent for , and we all seized on ; but refusing to be obedient , he forthwith caused us to be conducted to the justices , who was an alderman that lived not far off ; we being brought before his worship , being as yet hot as well with wine as anger , could not agree in our story , nor the occasion of our quarrel ; but glad we were when we saw that our ladies had slipt away , as indeed it was but time ( for had they gone with us , i doubt bridewel would have been their lodging , and they should have had rapping cheer . ) they having thus made their escapes who were the cause of our difference , and we every one contradicting each other in our discourses , the alderman made no more ado , but sent us all to the counter , both plaintiffs and defendants : by such time as we were well setled in our quarters , and had paid our garnishes , we all considering the matter , and at length conversing with our adversaries , put our quarrelsome business in a fair way to be ended ; for the occasion being a whore , we all agreed upon one tale to tell the alderman next morning ; when being brought before him , and he finding then no difference between us , supposing that it was only a drunken quarrel , was at length perswaded to release us ; but before we went , he forced us to pay our fees , and likewise some money to the poor for being drunk : all which we made a shift to do , by borrowing of one another , and so we were discharged . thus was this business overpassed : but though we made a shift to hide it from our masters , pretending some of our wonted excu●es , yet the rest of the brethren of the club were accquainted with it , and we were soundly laught at , and our wenches applauded for their wit in making their timely escape , or else it would have fared worse with us as well as them , and our business must have come to our masters ears . this disgrace did stick upon us a great while , for our companions would often ask us , when we would go to visit master alderman again : wherefore i bethought my self of a trick how to be revenged of the alderman , and thereby cause the discourse to cease : i often going by the aldermans house saw him standing at his door , and he had a common custome every afternoon to stand or sit there three or four hours together . i waiting my opportunity , went to the alderman , and asked if his maid-servant was within : which of them , said he , nan or suzan ? suzan , quoth i : yes , said the alderman , what is your business with her ? may it please your worship , said i , i was sent hither to take measure of her for some new cloaths what ? then thou art a taylor , said he ; i replied , yes , and so he sent me in . i being acquainted with the maids name ( and seeing the alderman engaged at the door still talking with another person ) asked for suzan : when she came to me , i told her , that her master sent me in to her , and wished me to ask for his skarlet gown , to mend it against a feasting-day then approaching : she knowing her master was at the door and believing my story , went for it ( i in the mean time watching whether the alderman still continued at the door ( for if i had seen him coming in , i would have my excuses and depart ) but as good luck would have it , the maid came and gave me the gown , and went about her other business : i wrapping it up under my cloak , went again to the door where master alderman was sitting , who asked me whether i had taken measure of his maid ▪ ; i told him , yes : what already ? said he . yes , and please your wor●hip : then thou hast made haste , said he ; make her cloaths handsome , she 's a good wench , and make haste , with them too , and let me see that you work well , and thou mayst do some work for me , and in time thou ma●st have go●d of the wench . i ( being troubled with master aldermans large discourse ) only replied ▪ i shall , if it please your worship ; and so left him , and so went my way to the next alehouse , where i applauded my self for my so happy contrivance , and safe deliverance from master aldermans impertinencies . after a little stay in this alehouse , and night comi●g on , i being thus fraughted with this cargo , sailed to the tavern where we used to meet , and the gown being wrapt up in a cloth , i delivered to the drawer to lay up , and went up into a room , where calling for a saggot and pint of wine . i had not staid long ere some of our club came , and in short time all the rest ; we fell to merry-making , and in our jollity some of our company nosed us with master alderman : well , said i , i suppose that jobb might cost us twenty shillings apiece , and though master alderman might put the most part of it into his pocket ; yet how say you , if i can propound away how to be revenged on him ? my two companions , the scrivener and the bookseller , told me , if i could do it , they would give me twenty shillings apiece ; a match , said i , i 'le be judg'd by the company : and thereupon i tol● them the story , and how i had cheated master alderman of his scarlet-gown ; and to make good my wo●d , caused it to be brought up , and shew'd before them : very well pleased was the scrivener and the books●ller , and all the rest amazed at the boldn●ss o● my adventure , which was by all ●pplauded for a great piece of wit , and my money was by them accordingly paid me : then after a cup or two of wine , consideration was had , what should be done with the gown , and how it should be disposed of , for we all knew it was hazardous and dangerous to dispose of it as it was : so after many propositions & consultations , it was at length generally agreed on , that i should cut it in pieces , and out of master aldermans gown i should make three peticoats , which should be bestowed upon our three madona 's ; and this adjudged very fit and equitable , that they have endured part of the brunt , should receive the whole prize : this i assented to ; and the scrivener and bookseller , in regard the gown was mine , gave me each of them twenty shilling apiece more for their share of the cloth ; and also they between them furnisht me with a rich gold and silver lace , to be put upon my ladies peticoat , equal and alike to that which was put on theirs : and this was an end o● the adventure with master alderman , of whom we never enquired how he and his maid suzan agreed about the gown . chap. xxvi . the relater and several others of the clubbing-prentices assist the drugster in putting off of some of his commodities ; he gives them gratuities , and relates a notable cheat by his master put upon an iron-monger . in this manner did we spend our time ; and though our masters gained more money , and dayly increased their estates , yet we enjoyed the greater pleasure in each others society : and now we being all acquainted with one anothers ways , assisted each other in all things , and there was no want for our selves or wenches , who were often at our meetings , and assisted in our mirth . i remember one evening , a young man , a drugster , who was one of our club , told us that we must all of us assist him in a matter he was about , and he should not only gain a good opinion of his master , but we should have a piece or two to spend ; we hearing there was convenience and profit , agreed together , soon consented to do our utmost , and therefore desired him to acquaint us with the matter : he thereupon told us , that his master had lately bought a parcel of drugs of two or three sorts , which did cost him about l. in hopes of great gain , for they were at double the price that he would afford his at ; but they being too much for one mans sale , he offered to sell good part of them to some of our trade : but they refused to buy , unless they might have them cheaper then he was willing to afford them , pretending that they had no need of that commodity , being sufficiently furnished with the same ; although we were very certain that they could have none of it , there being none to be had in all london , till of late my master bought this parcel that came from beyond sea : now my master being desirous to sell his commodity , hath considered of a way how to make his brother-drugsters come to him , and pray him to sell it to them at his price ; that way is thus : he hath desired me to get some of my acquaintance to go to most of the drugsters in and about london , and pretending to be apothecaries and others that need those commodities , to enquire for them , and bespeak quantities thereof ; and then he knows , that not being able of themselves to furnish them , they will repair to him , and give him his price . oh! said the bookseller , have you learned that trick ? i am very well acquainted with this manner of trade , for we commonly use this slight to sell our books : for when we have printed a book that we doubt will not sell without preferring , and more ado than ordinary , then we not only title it upon posts , put it into news-books , and use several other ways to make it famous ; but we sometimes send several of our acquaintance and friends to most booksellers shops to inquire for this new book ; and they coming so one after another , at length master bookseller is perswaded to buy some of them ; nay sometimes , the more to encourage the booksellers to buy some quantities , we allow our friends to lay out some moneys with them , and buy several of them ; and so the bookseller will commonly , if he sell one or two , buy six or a dozen ; and by this means our moneys comes in again with very great profit . well , reply'd the drugster , this course must we take with these drugs , or else they may prove a very drug to my master ; for he hath served some of our trade so many tricks already , that they are very cautious how they deal with him ; but this trick of sending friends to ask for a commodity he hath often used , neither did he learn it of the bookseller : but there happened an extraordinary chance sometime since , and from that experience he hath taken this course . for there was a person who used to make syringes , which chirurgions and others use to squirt withal in several distempers ; and this man being out of imployment , made a great quantity of them , and laid them by him ; but not knowing how to dispose of them , he bethought him of this way of sending some friends to inquire for them : and so well did he mannage his business that by imploying persons to enquire of drugsters and apothecaries for them , he not only sold all he had made by him , but in less than a quarter of a year , he took above l. for this commodity : and this my master took notice of , and i suppose made a president of , and now resolves upon the same course to put off his drugs ; wherefore i desire your utmost assistance herein , and i shall when you please spend a piece or two in a collation . all our club-fraternity agreed on this ▪ and promised to be active here : and thus resolving on our next time of meeting , we parted . i for my part , the next day accoutring my self in a country gentile-garb , went to several drugsters , and asked for several drugs , whose names i had gotten ; but amongst all ▪ i more earnestly desired a good quantity of those that were to be thus put off , telling them i was a country apothecary , and should call three or ●our days after again , and lay out a considerable sum of money with them . i having done this for my part , and the rest of our associates having been as diligent , we meeting three days after together , our drugster told us that his master had sold all his commodities to very great profit ; and therefore , said he , this collation , and each of you a crown more to buy gloves , is my masters charge , and he desires you to accept thereof ; which we accordingly did , being glad we had done so good service to him and his master . i understanding by this , that there were tricks and cheats in this trade as well as others , was desirous to be acquainted with the manner of their trading ; and he being but a novice , told me , he could not tell me much of it , but he was very sensible that there was much knavery in that mystery , in mixing and sophisticating their drugs , and getting the spirits of some of them away , and renewing it in others , as served to their profit : and pursued he , i have one trick whereby my master gets some money in a year ; ●or it being customary to give a pipe of tobacco to any that comes into the shop , and desires it , i give them of that which is very good ; and they liking thereof , and the price , commonly buy of the same , and sometimes a quantity , desiring still it may be of the same they have tasted ; the which i promise to do , and before their eyes take it out of the same box : but the knack of it is this , it is for all that a different and worser sort of tobacco ; for the tobacco that i gave them as a taste , is only placed in one corner of the box for that purpose , and so it goes off , as if it were all the same ; and sometimes we put off , a whole roll of tobacco in the same manner : for the out side roll is of good spanish right , but all in the inner-part is mundungoes , not worth a great a cart-load . but this is nothing to what way my master hath ; and he lately exercised his wits to a pretty profitable account , and thus it was : my master among other sort of drugs , had bought a quantity of dragons-bloud , being pieces of wood , dipped , as is supposed , or rather pretended , in dragons-bloud ; and this is good physick , and for other uses : this commodity not proving very good , my master had a great desire to put it off , but could not get any body to buy of it : he had been not only with drugsters , but also with some iron mongers to sell it , for they use it about their locks , and other iron work , to keep them from rust ; but no person was willing to deal with him about it . my master had a neigbour that was an iron monger , whom he had a great desire to deal withal ; but he being a wary young man , and hearing that my master was a snap , refused all dealing with him : and some words passed which displeased my master , and therefore he resolved to be avenged ; and thereupon having designed his business , with the help of two confederates , he thus puts it in execution . he gave a small quantity of this dragons-blood to one of his confederates , who having full instructions , went to the iron-mongers house , and seeing him standing at the door , asked him if he wanted not some of that commodity , shewing the same to him : no , said the iron-monger . i was informed , said the man , that you sometimes deal in it , and was recommended by a friend to come to you ; and if you please to deal with me , i shall use you very kindly . to this the iron-monger replyed , that he needed not any of it . but , said the other , i suppose you sell of it to others sometimes , and may therfore do me a courtesie , and your self too , for i have not a shop to sell it in , and am a stranger ; wherefore , if you please , i shall leave this parcel with you , and you putting it on your stall may happen on a customer , which if you do , i can furnish you with more ; and thus you , without laying out any money , may get some profit . the iron-monger hearing of this , and conceiving the man to be honest and harmless , consented to his desire , entertained the condition and the goods , and enquired further of the price ; the man telling him that he understood it was worth three shillings per pound , but he would willingly take two shillings eight pence , because he might have profit ; and telling him that he would call on him in a weeks time : and they at this time parted . and thus the iron-monger having received the commodity , put some of it out every day on his stall , till at length a man coming by , and seeing that to lie there , and the master of the shop at the door , asked him the price thereof ; the iron-monger told him three shillings per pound . the customer desired to look further into it , desiring to know how much he had of it : truly said the iron-monger , i cannot tell , but i suppose , if we agree , i can furnish you with a good quantity . why , said the customer , i will give you two shillings eight pence per pound for it , if you have lib. of it . well , said the iron-monger , call here a day or two hence , and i will resolve you , and it is like we may deal together : thus at present they parted . but he came again the next day , and the day following , pretending great earnestness to buy the commodity : in the mean time the iron-monger waited and watched narrowly to see and speak with the man that left it there , but could not meet with him , for he stayed away on purpose ; and this customer that came to buy , was likewise the other of my masters confederates , and sent by him for that purpose . at length , the iron-monger standing at his door , he saw the man that left the dragons bloud passing by his door , and called to him , and then discoursed seriously with him about the matter , as , what would be his lowest price , and what quantity he had ? to both these questions he answered , he would take two ●hillings six pence ; and the quantity he had was ●● lib. the iron-monger hearing this , and resolvi●g ●ow to deal , told him that he thought it was to dea● ; but if he would take two shillings four pence , he thought he might buy all his quantity . to this the seller reply'd , that it was too cheap ; but taking all , and paying him ready money , he would do it . the iron-monger replyed , that ready money was two months : but , said he , if i deal , you shall have half down at the delivery , and the other half at three months : to this they both agreed . but the iron-monger being cautious , would not at present fully conclude , referring the ending the bargain to two days , in the mean time resolving to see if his customer came that was to buy ; and then enquiring the name and habitation of the seller , they parted . long had not the iron-monger waited , but his buying customer came , and as earnestly as formerly desired to buy the commodity ; the which now the iron-monger agreed to sell at two shillings eight pence per pound , and to be paid at weighing : and that he might be sure of his customer , he takes ten shillings in part of payment , and appoints two days thence to finish the bargain thus did the iron-monger reckon to gain groats , which is l. s. d. bes●des , he was resolved to have all ready money , and to pay but half ; but he reckoned without his host , as i shall presently tell you : the seller of the dragons-blood coming the next day , finished his bargain , delivered his commodity , received his money , and took a bill from the iron-monger for the moyety of his money to be paid in three months . but now the iron-monger had the commodity , he might go look for a customer ; for he that left the ten shillings came no more , and the commodity lay still on his hands ; at which he was fretted , but could not help him●elf . my master having thus managed this affair by these two confederates , received the mony , and had the bill assigned to him , giving both his confederates something for their pains . he having thus done the iron mongers business , was not contented with the profit alone , but was resolved to vex him ; and therefore when he passed by his shop , he asked him if he would buy any dragons-●●ood . no , ●aid the other , i can sell you some . i 'll buy , said my master , but when he saw it , and heard the price , he told him , no , he could sell him as good as that for d. per pound . at this the iron-monger was more vexed ; but now not knowing how to help himself , was forced to rest contented : at length the three months came , and then my master was resolved to shew all his anger , and vex the iron-monger more , and therefore went himself to demand the money that was due : the iron-monger answered him , that he owed him none : whereupon he produced his bill , and a letter of attorney ; and then he too late perceived how he had been served . for my master told him , that now he would be even with him , for refusing to deal with h●● , and abusing him . the other said , it was a cheat , and he would make him bring out the party that bought it , giving him ten shillings in part of payment . that shall i do quickly , said my master , but it will be but small to your gain : and then told him the name of the man , and that he was not worth a farthing , and a prisoner in the kings-bench . at this the iron-monger being much more vexed then before , told my master that he would not pay him , and bid him take his course ; the which he did the next morning , and arresting him , soon brought the case to a tryal , and having an absolute bill of payment of the money , cast the iron monger ; who advising with his lawyers , went to westminster for a writ of error , which he gained : but when he came back with it , thinking to stop execution , he found that he came too late ; for my master doubting such business , never left till he served the execution , so that when the poor iron-monger came back with his writ of error , he found the bayliffs and my master in the shop , in possession of his goods ; and he being out of moneys 〈◊〉 present was forced to let my master have all his dragons-blood again at twelve pence per pound , and ●o in that and other commodities paying his debt and charges , and giving each other general releases ( which my master earnestly insisted on , and without which my master would do nothing , the iron-monger being in a strait ) they made an end of this bargain : and now the iron-monger , when he came to a second reckoning of his bargain , sound , that instead of getting l. s. d. h● had lost l. s. d. besid●s all his cost ; and my master thus having gained 〈…〉 commodity ▪ ●old it since to another for one 〈…〉 pence per pound . and this , said the drug 〈…〉 one of my mast●●s 〈◊〉 to g●t money ▪ this young fellow had taken a great deal of pains to discover every particular of his masters late bargain : from what he had related , i concluded the master to be a very cunning practitioner in the mysterious art of knavery , and therefore i was desirous to be acquainted with him ; and knowing that he was but a young man himself , and also desirous of acquaintance , i found no great difficulty to attain to my desires , which i soon a●ter accomplished , as i shall relate to you in the next chapter . chap. xxvii . the relater and the drugsters master come acquainted , being concerned in tryals at law : their several cases they relate to each other . my master having much dealing , had many debts owing him , and he was forced to sue some persons to get in his monies ; and i having delivered a parcel of clothes , was sid p●●u●'d to attend to testifie the same in court , upon a tryal which my master was to have with his debtor . i attended the court when tryal of the cause should be call'd , several hours ; and there did i meet with the young drugster , who was waiting upon some such like occasion : we both having leisure , & his servant having told him that i principally assisted in putting of his drugs , he to gratifie me , offered me a pint of wine . i accepted his kindness , and to the tavern we went , where he again thanked me for the courtesie i had done him ; and then he enquired my business at the court , i told him , it was upon a tryal of my masters , who sued one for money for a suit of cloaths . that is strange , said he , that any should re●use to pay for work when done . true , said i , but he pretends there is somewhat more then ordinary in the case , as indeed there is , if well understood ; and knowing you to be ingenious , i shall relate it to you . a person had occasion to have a suit of cloaths made , and would not entrust my master to buy the cloth ; but having enquired how much would do the business , my master told him five ●●rds and a half , to make a suit and large co●t the other supposing that five yards would do the business , and the half yard be saved , bought but five ; and bringing it home , desired my master to cut it out before him ; and if there w●nted any more cloth , it should be supplyed . my master seeing himself distrusted , was resolved to be even with his customer ; and to cutting of it out he went : first , he cut out the dou●let , and then the breeches ; but instead of one pair of b●eeches , he cut out two pair , perswading the customer that it was but one ; and when he came to cut out the coat , there was a great deal of cloth wanting ; so that the gentleman was forced to buy a yard more of cloth , the which he saw cut out likewise ; and though he was cheated before his face , could not discover it ; my master s●rving him well enough : for whereas he int●●●●d but to get half a yard of cloth by him , he now saved a whole one . the suit was made up , and the gentleman wore it : but as ●et not being fully satisfied , coming into company with another taylor , he asked how much cloth might be in that suit and coat . the taylor replyed , five yards : the gentleman said he bought six , and saw it all cut out and put into the clothes . the taylor wondering hereat , told him , that he would make hi●●●uit and coat full as large as that with five yards . the ●entleman agreed , and more cloth was bought , ●eliv●●ed to the taylor , and the suit made accordingly 〈◊〉 ●he gentleman not as yet having paid my master h●●●ill , refused to do it , pretending he is cheated , but n●●●nowing how ; and this day we are to have a t●yal ▪ and i question not , but i who am my masters chief w●●●ss , ●hall be able to outwit the other mast●r-ta●●or ▪ who is here in court ready to testifie against us how do you mean to order the matters said th●●●ugster . truly , said i , in one word i will make 〈◊〉 that the gentlemans six yards of cloth was cut out ●nd m●de up , in doublet , breeches and coat , as in●e●d it was : but i do not say how many pair of breeches ; and i suppose , they not suspecting me , will not be curious in asking the question . the drugster was so well pleased in my relation of the story , that he told his case , which said he is this ; i have had some little misfortunes in the world , and people have lately called on me for money , more then i could well pay at present ; and one person particularly has been so outragiously foolish , as to say that i was a bankrupt , and that i would never pay him ; now i have brought my action against him for slander and defamation , and hope to get so great damages against him , as he shall be willing to forgive me my debt : and this will be a good leading card to muzzle the mouths of the rest of my creditors , who indeed are so civil as to come into court , and testifie in my behalf . this case being well managed ( said i ) may be very considerable with you , and turn to your profit and credit both . our wine and discourse being ended , we both went into the court , where i heard his tryal so well managed , as he recovered l. damage : and my master , with my evidence , recovered his debt ; and then threatned to sue the gentleman for defamation : he hearing thereof , and seeing how great damages were given to one there present , upon the same account , presently made his composition with my master , and gave him ten pound to put up the business . my master gave me s. to spend , which i did in wine and good company ; and the drugster having had this success , was now more contented then ever , and his credit grew high in the city , so that he was intrusted with some thousands ; but he and i being after that very intimate , i perswaded him at a convenient time to give me an account of his life and actions ; i having formerly told him of many of mine . we being planted at a tavern , and no person to interrupt us , he began as followeth . chap. xxviii . the drugster in relating hi● life , discovers several cheats which he performed under the cloak of religion ; as also how he cheated his masters sister of her mai●●●●-hea● and e●tate ; and several cheats in sm●ckling . though the whole course of my life , from my infancy to this time , hath been a continued piece of knavery , i having been of many trades , and most factious in religion , in which i have always been a very great stickler : yet i shall not give you any account of my minority , omitting all my actions till i came to abou● twenty years of age , when i gained some experien●e in the world , and had learned how to play my ca●is to the best advantage . i served an apprentiship with a master whose whole famil● , cons●sting of himself , wife , sister , and four servan●● , was an absolute compendium of most religious 〈◊〉 then practised in england : he himself was a 〈◊〉 rigid presbyterian ; his wife a ranter ; his si●●● 〈◊〉 anabaptist ; three of the servants independ●●● 〈◊〉 of several churches and perswasions ; and i , ●●●ugh an independant , being of all religions , yet 〈◊〉 non● at all , that gave them all the hearing ; and w●●h my master was a presbyterian , and would ordinarily accompany him in his long-winded prayers , which being filled with tautologies and nonsence , he esteemed and often used , believing himself to be assisted with a divine spirit . many absurdities he committed in his devotion , as praying for the reformation of his family , and pointing out a time when he should or would have a return of his prayers , at which time he would charge providence with the fault ; he having strictly observed all the commandements , in fasting , praying , relieving the brethren , and performing all other duties which sir iohn his ghostly father had imposed on him . he would often recount the particular enormities of his wife and family , and how she lay out from him three nights together in a week , and where she was ; and would earnestly pray for , either her conversion , or confusion . many other impertinences would he commit , which would be too tedious to me to recount : but in general , i found his zeal to be a weakness in his brain , and he was continually led about as sir iohn presbyter directed . my mistress was likewise led about by those of her gang , which were absolute libertines , affording themselve all manner of pleasure , and denying themselves injoyment of nothing they could purchase ; and she would pretend religion in all her frollicks ; for she would say , that no sin was imputed to the saints ; and indeed it was no sin , unless she her self thought it so . that she , or any other sister , might lie with another brother , was accounted a general maxime amongst them , especially if they ●hose their time when their husbands are asleep , which they termed to be dead , and therefore might then do it without breach of any commandment . she would be very costly both in her apparel and die●s , alleadging , that it was not fit , that the body which was a sacred temple , should be coursly either cloathed or fed . i had a great mind to have been of her religion , because there was so much freedom and enjoyments therein ; but my master kept me in a little too strictly ; and my mistress keeping company with the high-boys , slighted the tender of my service . thus having failed in this attempt , i made my way to my mistresses sister , who was an anabaptist ; she i often waited on by my mistresses commands , and at length was admitted to be one of the brethren in the conventicle , whereof she was a sister ; i professed a great deal of zeal for that way , and my master often instructed me in scripture , i soon from a proficient became a preacher , and was of great eminency amongst them . thus did i spend my time till my apprenticeship was out , and was a freeman ; and then did i begin to look about me , to see what i might get for my self : for i had not undertaken this course of teaching , but in hopes to gain my mistresses sister ; and she still put me off till i was 〈◊〉 of my time , pleading tenderness of conscienc● w●●ld not permit her to give me any enjoyment ●f 〈◊〉 be●ore marriage , and that could not law●ully 〈…〉 , till my time was out : which being come , 〈…〉 courted her , and she gave me the hearing , 〈…〉 put me off desiring me first to settle my self i● 〈◊〉 world , i now believing that she intended to 〈…〉 , was resolved to play the same hand at cards 〈◊〉 her ; and perswading her that i still gained 〈…〉 of an estate by my dealings in the world , i sp●nt ●ome moneys on her , and taking my opportunity , g●in●d my ends upon her ; for pretending that i had la●ely made a bargain , whereby i should get a l. if i had fifty pound ready money more then my own , which was likewise fifty pound ; she having moneys by her , willingly consented to lend me fifty pound , provided that she might see the disbursing thereof . i then thinking to kill two birds with one stone , readily consented ; and heartily thanking her , desired her to provide he self to go with me next tide to gravesend , where i was to lay out the moneys : she did accordingly , and carrying fifty pound with her , i having raised such another sum , we took boat and made for gravesend , where , when we arrived , i left her to rest her self at an inn , and went on board a ship that was newly come from the indies , and bought as much indigo as came to l. i had it a very good penny-worth , but not so good as to perswade her that i should gain l. by it , which i had promised ; wherefore , that i might make out the matter to be plain to her , i engaged the seaman i had dealt withal to secrecy , and made this bargain , that i should pay him l. down , and pay the rest in two monthes , telling him that i was a great dealer . he believing me without much difficulty , not only consented to this , but also to say , that he had but l. for all the commodity : we having thus agreed , went to my sweet-hearts chamber , & there co●cluded our bargain before her ; who having some skill in the price of that commodity , did believe the bargain to be as profitable as i alledged to her , and freely laid down her money , which together with my fifty pound was paid to the seaman , and the goods delivered into a lighter to be carried to london , and delivered according to order . this affair being dispat●'d , i was resolved to drive the nayl home a little further , and as i had got the money , so to g●t the maid ; wherefore , i preten●ing expedition , told her , it would be most convenient for us to ride home : the wholly confiding in me , consented thereto , and a horse was procured to carry us double ▪ mounted we were , and so advanced on our journey , but pretending some business , i made an halt at the next town homewards , where i did my horse the unkindness to prick him in the foot , that he might halt , and not be able to carry us through that night : this being done , we again mounted , and i fell to thanking my mistress for this great favour , not only in assisting me with her purse , but accommodating me with her company ; and now , said i , i hope you will no longer delay me the enjoyment of your self , and the rest of your estate . truly , said she , this days action hath resolved me of all doubts , and now i have so good opinion of you , that i shall no longer delay our marriage then shall stand with your conveniency . to this i returned an answer full of love and kindness . our horse by this time felt the effects of my work , for he halted so much , that we could only go a foot pace , and with much difficulty came to the next town , where we were forced to alight , and it growing late , and impossible to get to london that night , we resolved to take up our quarters for the present . i having placed my mistress in a private chamber , went into the stable , and soon removed the obstruction that hindred our horse from going , so that by the next morning he was well enough able to travel , i left him to the care of the hostler , and went up to my mistress , who expected me to supper , which i had ordered to be provided for us , and that being ready , i invited our landlady to be a guest , though our commons were but short , being only one chicken , yet i made a long grace , which according to our custome , might amount to a prayer ; and i remember that among other matters , i prayed that our horse might be so well recovered , as that he might be so well able to carry us next day to london : our landlady soon understanding what kind of guests she had , believing that she should get little by our company , was desirous of leaving it , which she did , by pretending business , and so we had the whole chicken left us for our own eating , we hardly made or left any bones of it , so hungry we were . supper being ended , we went to the fire , and i designing my business , call'd for a quart of claret , which we burn'd , sweetned , and drank off ; and by this time my mistress was so sweet upon me , that we talked very familiarly and pleasantly , and oftentimes i interlaced our discourses with kisses and amorous sighs , to which i was welcomed , and many times invited : i then called ●●r another quart of wine , which we likewise drank off , and then i found my mistress very full of the creature , so that she drew ●ear to the bed , and at length cast her self thereon ; i was not long after her , but lay down likewise , and first beginning with embraces and kisses , in a little ●ime i gained possession of all my endeavours , she lying as fast asleep all the while ; but when i had done , and was again laid by her , she started up , and seemed to be very angry with me : but i supposing that it was because i had so soon done , catched hold of he● , and attempted to be at her again , but in vain did i endeavour it , for she then began to be angry , reproaching me with dishonesty , and using many canting terms , which i omit : i told her , what was done could not be undone , and therefore comforted her , and told her all should be well by our sudden marriage : thus did i appease her , and we soon agreed upon every thing ▪ so that though i was appointed another chamber , which i pretended to lodge in , yet i lay all night with her . the next morning we arose betime ; and mounting our horse , who was now well enough , we soon arrived at london , where for the present we parted . i having thus gained my ends of this woman , having part of her estate in my possession , and by the enjoyment of her person having the command of the rest , was resolved only to abuse her ; stript her of what she had , and so leave her : for i found no such sweetness in my nights lodging with her , but what i might expect from another ; having before that tasted woman in the enjoyment of two or three of our sisters , which passages i omit , and tell this to acquaint you how this woman undid her self by her covetuousness , for had she not distrusted me with her money , i should have married her , but now my mind was otherwise bent . i received my goods , and now my stock being much encreased by this fifty pound , and the profit of my bargain , i paid the seaman , and proceeded in trading : and though i had little skill in forreign commodities , yet i ventured at all , neither did i want money , for instead of paying back the fifty pound to my mistress , i soon after had l. more , and yet she could not perswade me to marriage , i still pretending multiplicity of business : at length , all her portion , being l. got into my hands , i only paid her with a nights lodging , which now and then we had together ; but as to marriage , i still pretended one reason or other to defer it . i not only proceeded in my merchandizing , but continued in my preaching at our usual conventicles , where i was become very famous , and a great disputant ; but at length i finding there was but little to be gotten by them ( and my principle being always to gain what i could ) i became now almost weary of them , and willing to leave the congregation for another that courted me , but i was resolved e're i left them , to make some use of them , and get somewhat of them . i thus laid my plot : i gave a bond to a confederate for l. pretending that i owed so much to him ; i gave out , that i would on such a day not only preach to my congregation , but also dispute with any opposer on several articles . the time being come i had a full auditory , and performed my preachment and disputation to the general satisfaction of all , and then appointed that the next day i would hold forth some other points , that had not as yet been disputed of , inviting all the congregation and all others that would come , to meet me in a larger room then that was wherein we exercised at present . thus having finished my discourse , i dismissed my auditors ; but i was no sooner out of the house , but i was seized on by a bayliff , in execution for ● l ●o● my confederate who had the bond , had brought ●t to judgment : i was then accompanied by two or three of my congregation , who much wondring at the business , desired the bayliff to have pat●ence , and to go into the next house , which we did and ●he case being opened , i confessed the debt , with●l , alleading that i was not at present able to pay it , having lately ventured most of my estate to sea. those of my congregation hearing this ( and being much grieved that their pastor should be thus snatch'd from them , especially when he had deserved so well ) sent for some more of their brethren , who were monied men ; and so among them they paid the debt , and i was discharged : but soon after this , i left them , and they were forced to make a collection or gathering among themselves to reinburse themselves their moneys ; and my mistress who had been all this while delayed by me with fairwords , made her complaints to the brethren , but to no purpose , for she received no redress or satisfaction , i having now quite left them and their faction for another , where by reason of my abillity in preaching , i was entertained , and an accord made between me and my quondam mistress , i only giving her back l. of her l. we being now absolutely parted from one another , she receiving no other satisfaction of me , either for her many nights lodging or mony , then fifty pound , which she willingly received , believing me to be a beggar ; my new congregation voluntarily raising that money for that purpose . thus was i quit of her , and had gained five hundred pound in my pocket , only under the cloak of religion . and having such success , i in short time discovered my self to be rich , by buying many bargains of good value , paying ready mony , and raised my self to so high a reputation , that i won a widdow of an indifferent fortune to be my wi●e , and so settled my self in the world. as for my preaching-trade , i finding that it had already done me as much service as i expected from it , i left it , for i had now a wife and money , and for that end , and to get them , i took it up , and being provided with both , i left it , but especially finding that it grew every day into disesteem , it being about the time of his majesties happy return ; when instead of a preaching fanatick , i quickly faced about , and leaving my congregational friends , i enquired out , and procured cavalier acquaintance , so that i who a little before the kings coming home , was used to wear short hair , and was modest and precise in my habit ) had now a large perewig , a great plume of feathers , and all other accoutrements accordingly , being still diligent on all occasions to associate my self with the captain and cheif officers of the trained-bands of our company , into whose acquaintance and society i soon insinuated my self , by my gallantry in my habit and expences in taverns being conformable . thus did i become a gentleman , and from a precisian a prodigal , nay an antick , and every thing , what not ? that i might please all : for instead of prayer-book , or some other fanatical piece of divinity , i now carried in my pocket , either cards or dice , and so great a love i had to hocus pocus , that all their tools , viz. box of counters , balls , cups , and other trinkets which are made use of in that mysterious function , were all my companions : having learned confidence when i was a preacher , i was now the better emboldned to stare my spectators in the face , while i cunningly enough performed my feats of activity ; and such a readiness i had , that i was an able proficient , i spent so much time in these fooleries , that i almost lost my self ; and now having a wife and family to maintain , i found my estate so far to decrease , that i was forced to look after my business , and fall to merchandizing : but having lost a considerable part of my estate which i had adventured at sea , i was resolved , as i said , to trust no more to that element , and not to let my estate go out of my sight ; wherefore i , still as shipping came in , went on board , either in the downs , portsmouth or plymouth , and there buying good bargains , which the seamen , newly come home , would afford for ready money , i began to prick up again , and have money at command ; i then bought me a small pinnace or small pleasure boat ; and with that went on board of ships , bought goods , and made a shift to stow as much on board privately , that i saved much by the customes and other duties . this trade i drove a long time , gained much by stealing duties ; neither did i care what goods i dealt in , having customers of all sorts and trades , who knowing that i drove this trade , employed me to buy for them , agreeing the prizes before hand : but i was snap'd one time , and all my goods seized for not paying duties , and an information put into the exchequer against me : i finding that it would be but a folly to contend there , agreed with the informer , and he suffered me to cast him ; so that i got off for a sum of money , but i gained much experience thereby , so that i then began a new trade , and would engage many of my friends to go and buy goods on board of ship , and if they got them clear from the ships side● ; it was enough ; for i would come immediately in another boat , as if a stranger , and seize the goods as forfeited for want of the payment of duties , and so secure them from any other seizure : and if any other person came to seize on them , i then pretended it to be my business , having made the first seizure , but if we were not met with by another , then we passed clear without any more trouble : nay , so bold and confident was i grown in this kind of trade , called smuckling ; that i have had fifty and an hundred pound at a time given me to go over into holland or france in a ship which hath brought much prohibited goods , which i have seized so soon as we came near any port of england , to prevent any other seizure ; and then putting an information into the exchequer , have suffered costs against me , and all hath been clear . i gained not only much money by this means , but also the esteem of a cunning subtile fellow , and was employed in many such affairs , and sometimes in law-suits . i remember once i came into company with a very f●ir lady , who having an old cross-grain'd fellow to her husband , had not only lived from him some time , but was so foolish as to be married to another person , who was a gentleman of much worth and merit , the ladies old husband ( understanding it , and more out of covetousness of gaining money , which he believed the gentleman would on this occasion part from , then any love he bore his wife ) hunted them out from one place to another , and the young gentleman refusing to comply with the old knights desires , he was resolved now to prosecute her for life . this story was told me by the gentleman himself , and the lady assured me of the truth of the matter , imploring my assistance : well , madam , said i , come , be ruled by me , and i will disapoint your old husband , and you shall laugh at him : having considered the matter , i ordered her to go next day into the country , above miles from london , and there to expect me , and obey my further orders , this she did ; and i soon following her , and the assizes beginning the next day , i got a warrant to apprehend and bring her before the bench , she came , and i charged her with having two husbands , she denying ; and i alledging the matter , she was committed , and an indictment brought in , but when she was to be try'd , i was not to be found , nor any person else to prosecute her : so that she was quit by proclamation . a copy of this process i took out of the court , and so she and i came to london to the gentleman her friend , who gladly welcomed us , and now they live together in spight of the old knight , who attempted to trouble them , found it in vain , for she could not be tryed for one fact twice . this feat did i meerly out of my own apprehension and fancy , and it succeeding according to my wishes , i had a considerable reward for my pains . chap. xxix . the drugster sets two persons , his wives brothers-in-law at variance , he gets money out of them both , proceeds in t●ading , but adventuring too much , cannot pay his debts , and is therefore clapt up in prison . i drave this rambling trade for a long time , and gained enough by it , but i was so prodigal in my expences ( both at home and abroad , that i might be counted some body ) and sometimes loosing considerable sums at gaming , that i began to go behind hand , and oftentimes when i pretended to go to graves●nd , the downs , or other places to buy some drugs , or other merchandise aboard a ship , i went not far from london to a brave handsome lass , that i kept for my private recreation . for though i had a wife , and she indifferent handsome , yet was she cold in her embraces , and still talking of the cares of the world , and propounding ways to get moneys . but my private lady was quite different , being wholly composed of love and sweetness , professing nothing more dear to her , then my society : and we had no other discourse but pleasure and enjoyments , in the greatest height we could imagine ; this , though it were pleasant , was very chargeable , to keep such a commodity for my own private use , so that i gained not much at the years end , and what i got over the devils back , i spent under his belly , as the proverb goes : wherefore my wife called on me to stay at home and apply my self to some setled way , but that i could not do , for my stock was grown low , and my spending as high as ever . my wife had a father-in-law who was a citizen , and a monyed man ; him i got into favour with , and by my free entertainment of him , won him to me ; for he having left off trading in london , lived some miles off , and coming to london would often visit me , where i still welcomed him , and attended him abroad when he went to receive rents , or any moneys , and assisted him in all such things that i could with much diligence . my stock being very low , i borrowed moneys of him to trade with , and was very punctual in my payment , so that he put so much confidence in me , as to lend me l. and more i might have had , had i requested it : as he and his wife ( who was my wives mother ) often visited me at my house , so at convenient times i was a guest at theirs in the country , where i associated my self with the best gentl●men of the place , wining upon the affections of all , by my facetious and pleasant converse . i had hopes of raising my fortunes by my wives mother , who i hoped would out-live her husband , and then at her death be able and willing to give me good part of her estate , but it fell out otherwise , for she fell sick and died before him , but it was but good luck to be there , and my wife being still near her , she gave her some rings and other things that were considerable . the old man my father-in-law being desirous to bury his wife at london , according to her request , went up with us , and being somewat sick before , so soon as his wife was buried , was so surprized with a distemper , that he took his bed , and after ten weeks sickness dyed at my house , during his sickness , i be thought my self of what advantage i might make it , and endeavoured to please him in all i might , but he having two sons , i could not expect much of the estate , but was resolved by hook or by crook to have a considerable share , and to that end , i knew no better way then to divide the two brothers , and put them at difference . the eldest was a married man , and though of an easie temper , yet i knew was too honest to be wrought on to do any unhansome action , the youngest being a young bluff fellow , was apt to believe any thing i should perswade him to , wherefore at first i possest him with a jealousie against his brother , that he would defraud him of his share of the estate , if he did not take heed and follow my directions , which if he did , i would put him into a way to command his elder brother in every thing . the young man being of a suspicious nature , easily believed me ; and then i particularly advised him , that the first thing he ought to do , was to get the register of his age altered ; for if his father should now dye , and he not truly being twenty years of age , could not expect to have the possession of any part of the estate , unless he were one and twenty . wherefore to the house of the parish register we went , and for the spending of one shilling , and five shillings in money , we had the register book delivered to us , where i being well skilled in counterfeiting and imitating of hands ; soon alter'd the register , putting his age out in one place , and writing it in another place two years before , so that the young man was now made half a year above full age . then did we call the register , who gave us a certificate out of the book of the young mans age , and this we carried with us as authentick , and to be produced on all occasions . i having done thus much for the young man , he could not deny me any thing i desired or requested : so that the old sick gentleman being still weaker , and having his money in a trunk by his beds-side , i perswaded the younger brother ( who had the key ) to take some out and lend to me ; which he did : and that the old man might not see the action ; i and my wife would stand by the beds-side before him , so that by degrees i got l. from thence : and when the old man dyed , though he left a considerable estate , yet was there not a penny of ready money . the elder brother knowing that he had foul-play shewed him , began to be angry , but to no purpose , for he was forced to comply , the younger brother having possession of that trunk , and the keys of all others where all the writings were . the old man being buried ( and much excess and prodigality shewed in the expen●es and costs thereof , which was done principally at my invitement , that i might gain repute by inviting as many friends as i pleased , and also drain my two young men of their moneys ) the two brothers began to discourse the matter , the elder brother demanding possession of the estate , and a divident to be made according to the will of their father ; and , said he , brother , your share must either be in my hands , or else in the chamber of london till you come of age : how , said i , till he come of age ? sure , you mistake your self , he is of sufficient age already ; and thereupon produced the certificate , which though it was very punctual , yet the elder brother ( who was near ten years older then his brother ) and several others who were present , knew to be false : and this was the first breach between them , which had like to have grown to a high flame : for the elder brother applying himself to the register , upon search of the book , found the fallacy : and indeed the register acknowledged the fact ; for which he , and the younger brother , and my self had like to have kissed new-gate , by order of the lord mayor , who being acquainted herewith , was highly incensed against us all , professing before the whole court of aldermen , that this act was of high concernment , and might be prejudicial to the whole city . the elder brother was very cautious in prosecuting this affair , being tender of his brothers credit , and therefore endeavoured by fair means to bring h●s brother to a fair compliance ; which he effected in my absence , and so wrought upon his brother , that the trunk of writings was sent for to a tavern , where they were then divided , and the trunk with part of the writings delivered to him , with promise to put a fair end to the rest of the difference . when i came home , and found the trunk gone , i stormed exceedingly ; and believing my self disappointed of my purpose , found out the younger brother , and schoold'd him so foundly , that he by my directions went back to his brothers house , and by a false token , regained the trunk with the writings , which he had new sent home . thus was their difference enlarged , and likely to be worse ; but the elder brother so moderately complyed with all mine and his demands , though never so unreasonable , that a division and partition was made , not only of the estate , but some part of the goods , which being plate , and linnen , and pewter , were delivered into my custody : and all the differences between the brothers being ended , i demanded of the elder brother satisfaction for his fathers being at my house during the time of his sickness : he little expected this ; for his father had given to me and mine an hundred pound , but that was nothing ; i owed him so much , and i must have more , and so i told him i would have , or mischeif him : not giving any other reason , but that he had enough , and i would have part . thus did i hope to huff him out of his money : but he , though he was easie and good-natured ( which i accounted next of kin to a fool ) yet wholly refused me , affirming that i had no reason for my demands , for i had an hundred pound given me , and that i had not been at any charge , for his father had continually given my wife money to provide all necessaries , and that some of that was still in my wives hands . though i knew what he alledged was true , yet i still persisted in my demands , and told him , that so much i would have for the trouble of my house : he offered to refer it to two men ; i long refused it , but at the length consented , and tampered with his arbitrator , promising him a reward , if he would answer my exp●ctations ; but he , contrary to my expectation proved very honest , and gave me but half what i asked ; n●ither would he have consented to that , but that the elder brother himself advised him thereto , out of a desi●● of peace . this award i was much troubled at , and seeing i cou●d get no more , was contented with what i could get of him : but the youner brother i flee'd somewhat more considerably , getting out of them both , in legacy , mony and goods , to the value of three or four hundred pounds : with which stock of money , and a greater of credit , re●orting of greater matters that were given me , i again fell to trafficking , and now dealt more considerably then ever : for i went to publick sales , where great quantities of goods were sold by inch of candle , and bought thousand pounds worth at a time ; and so considerable was i lookt on , that i was often employed by others to buy for them . i bought several parcels and sorts of goods , which i fetcht away as i paid for them : at last i bought several parcels of goods to a great value , and fetcht away most of them , which i sold to profit : but one parcel of l. being a failing and decaying commodity , i lest in their hands so long , that it was much damaged ; and unwilling and indeed unable to pay for them , was arested , and clapt up into a prison ; where i was forc'd to lie a great while , till i had spent and consumed most of what i had ; and at length they finding there was nothing to be got by me , released me , i releasing my bargain : which i willingly did , but soon after repented it ; for the price of that commodity rising , it soon amounted to great profit ; and whereas i should have lost , i now might have gained as they did by the sale of it , near l. chap. xxx . the drugster having fail●d in london , goes to live in the country ; where by counterfeiting a sickness , and making a will , he gets into credit , and borrowing money falls again to trading . this misfortune of my imprisonment did sensibly afflict me ; especially , when i understood that instead of loss , i might have gained by holding to my bargain ; but it now being past , could not be helpt . i was reduced to such necessity , that not only all my money , but my plate and best goods were sold ; and not only my wife , but my whore parted from their rings and jewels to redeem me : for when i was in prison , every body that i owed money to , though never so little , came upon me ; and though i came off with my great action easily enough , yet many other little ones stuck close to me , which i was forced to discharge . i had now time enough to consider my forepassed actions , and to examine my self what i had done to deserve this affliction ; i bethought me of the trick i first served my mistresses sister , in cheating her of her money and virginity ; but that stuck not much upon me , because i thought her to be justly enough fitted for delaying me , distrusting me , and other bad practices i knew her guilty of : but when i considered the wrong i had lately done the two brothers , in first rasing a difference , and then continuing it between them , and not only prosecuting the elder brother so highly my self , but putting another of my acquaintance ( to whom i knew he was indebted ) upon him to sue and arrest him , with all the disgrace i could , by causing it to be done on a sunday as he went to church , i my self attending : this consideration possessed me with an opinion that this judgment was justly fallen upon me for this cause , i being rightly enough fitted , being likewise arrested my self on a sunday , as i was going to church , but now being discharged of my imprisonment , i bethought me what course i was to take , and resolved that since i had suffered disgrace in the city , it were best for me to remove into the country , where i was not known ; therefore i soon took a house of considerable value , and putting my self in a very good habit , and in equipage every ways suitable , i and my wife , with most of my family removed from my london to my country-house ; i soon got my self acquainted with the best and wealthiest people of the place , and gave them very handsome treats and entertainments at my house , which they answered me with the like civility . though i had been a prisoner , ●et i had play'd my cards so well in paying my small debts , and told my tale so advantagiously about my great action , that i had preserved a sufficient credit with some of my dealers ; so that making up about fifty pound out of my wives and wenches rings , jewels , and some plate , i was entrusted with a l. worth of commodities , with which i set up another trade in the country ; this turned to good account : for i seldom ventured on any thing , but it was effectual and to purpose ; and if i would wholly have bent my minde to get money , i might have had a good estate ; but i effected pleasure equal to , and above profit ; and though i was thus low in the world , yet i still kept my wench , whom i had now quartered in the mid-way between my london and country-house , and therefore could lye with her commodiously enough , and tell my wife if at my country , that i lay at the london house ; and so on the contrary . as i thus enjoyed my pleasure , so i now began to be more wary , and look after profit , which i did to good purpose ; but i now wanted a father-in-law who was a moneyed man , or some other friend who would furnish me with money ▪ and if i could have produced three or four hundred pounds in ready money , i questioned not but to make extraordinary advantage : for this end i thought on several ways , and at length did hit upon one that did my business . i travelling in the winter , took an extraordinary cold that forced me to keep my bed for some days , and indeed i did so longer then i needed ; for i counterfeiting an extraordinary sickness , and that i was much troubled with the stone and collick ; and so desperate ill i pretended my self to be , that my wife lamenting , and my children and family being in much disorder , i was perswaded to make my will : to this i consented ; and the scrivener of the town was sent for ; i then told him , that by reason of my childrens childhood , and my wives incapacity to mannage affairs , i was in a great strait how to dispose of my estate , which though it was considerable enough , yet if it were not well managed , would soon come to nothing ; i now being in a strange town , distant from london , where my acquaintance lived , i knew not well what person to intrust as executor , unless , said i , mr. b. of this town would do me the kindness to take that trouble on him , which i would willingly requite by a sufficient legacy , and my wife and children would be bound to pray for him . sir , said the scrivener , i question not but he will do it ; and if you please , i will not only ask him , but perswade him thereto . i thank you kindly , said i , and for this offer of your friendship , i shall give you a legacy as a remembrance of me ; and therefore , i pray , take notice of the heads of my will , and then go with it to master b. and shewing it to him , make this request to him in my behalf : whereupon the scrivener begun , and i dictated to him , what and to whom i would give ; which was l. to my wife , l. apiece to my children , and several other legacies , amounting in all to near l. and l. i gave to my intended executor , and l. to the scrivener . this affair being thus ordered , the scrivener departed , and went to master b. my intended executor who being a well monyed man , and withal very covetous , was very glad of the matter , and willingly accepted of the offer , and within few hours came to me , and told me he was very sorry for my sickness , and wished my recovery ; but if he could do me any service living , or to my wife and children , if i should die , which he hoped would not happen , he should be ready and willing both in purse and person to assist me . i then told him what i had done as to my will , and withal caused my account-books to be produced , where i shewed and demonstrated how my estate stood , and in whose hands it was ( having prepared false accompts for that purpose : ) he seeing the matter so plain , and hoping to get a fleece out of my estate , caused the scrivener to proceed and fini●h the will , which i sealed ; but during his stay with me at that time , and some other times when he visited me , i so counterfeited faintings and pain , that he and all others near me , did fully conclude , i was no man for this world. after i had managed this affair to the height , i soon recovered , and had now not only gained this old penny-father to be my friend , but by his and the scriveners reports of my estate , had many others , who more then ordinarily respected me , and made me tenders of their service ; all which i thankfully refused at pre●ent , as not having any need . soon after this , i hearkned out a place , for which i was to give l. and it being a good penny-worth , i engaged in it : i made a shift to raise two hundred pound of my own moneys , and that was all i was then able to do ; but pretending i had of my own five hundred pound in money , i soon perswaded my intended executor to furnish me with five hundred pound more ; and so paying seven hundred pound to my chapmen , he took my word for three hundred pound more . this place put me in very great credit ; and now as well my london as my country-acquaintance looked on me with respect , supposing all to be true that had been discoursed of me . i did not long keep this place , but sold it for an l. profit , and so became master of more ready money , then ever , with which i again came to london , wholly leaving my country house , and paying my country penney-father part of his moneys ; and with that little of my own , and the rest that was left , and what i had gained , i took a house and shop in the place where i now live , and drive a trade equal to the best of my neighbours ; onely i have had some dealings of late , which have a little puzzled me , as i lately told you , when i had my tryal ; but he that slander'd me paying so dear as l. dam●ges , will not only himself beware , but alwaies teach others to hold their peace . chap. xxxi . th● drugster now breaking in carr●st , endeavours to cheat his creditors , and 〈◊〉 himself and estate into holland ; but is discover●● , and his estate seized , and himself stopt ; but b● assistance of the relator , he gets off , and having a good sum of money , and the scrivener and his wench , all get away , and travel to the east-indies . thus did the drugster finish his story . i received satisfaction equal to whatever i had , either in the scrivener , bookseller , or any other relation ; for i found that his actions had been different from theirs ; for what they did under the cloak of honesty , he did under that of religion , which i found was too often the covering of knavery . this discourse being ended , and our wine out , we parted ; profferring to each other all kind of service : and indeed , it was through his occasion , and to do him service , that i am come to this place , so far from my country ; i shall therefore give you an account of his last actions in england , which are as remarkable as any i have hitherto related to you ; as also somewhat further of the scrivener , who is our other companion ; and so finish this large narrative , which i doubt hath almost wearied you . i being unwilling to hinder the traveller in prosecuting his story , had with much pleasure attended and hearkned to what he had said ; and though his discourse was long , and had taken up much time , yet i found so much pleasing variety , that made me ample satisfaction and amends ; and being desirous to know the rest of their adventures , and what fortune or misfortune had brought them hither , i desired him to proceed , which he did in this manner : i was now acquainted with three persons , ( viz. the scrivener , bookseller , and drugster , an account of whose actions i have given you ) that gave me full satisfaction , and put me into an absolute opinion , that there was not onely knavery used in all trades and professions , but that most trades were composed of , and most estates gotten by over-reaching and knavery : i therefore resolved to look about me , and see what i could do in the world ; and having an intimate and familiar a●quaintance with the scrivener , i was by him supplyed with what money i desired , laying it out in cloaths , which i bought at the second hand , and sold again to my profit , and so repaying the scrivener , who took no other interest then a pint or a quart of wine . i did light upon so many good bargains , that i had gained a stock of about fifty pound of my own , and my master did not contradict or deny me in my dealing , because i assisted him in his profit , by bringing him customers of our club and acquaintance ; i brought the scrivener and drugster to be acquainted together , and they liked one another so well , that they contracted a friendship , which had hitherto lasted ; and the scrivener was likewise assistant to the drugster in procuring him moneys at a pinch , which he honestly repaid him ; and the captain ( which i told you the scrivener first adventured to sea withal , so much to their own profit , and the loss of the insurers ) was now a person admitted into our society , and being now got up again in the world , b●came master of a good ship , and often imployed by the drugster , and others of his acquaintance , on several short voyages to holland , when at his return he was assisted in conveying and securing much prohibited and uncustomed goods by the drugster , which was to the very great gain of them both ; and in general we all thrived very well , till fortune , who is always changeable , in short time turn'd tail upon the drugster , and had like to have crush'd him to nothing . he b●ing at the height of his trade , and studying now onely how to be an alderman , did drive a great trade , bu●ing and selling much comodities , both drugs and grocery ▪ ware , and indeed , any other merchandize whatever nothing came amiss to him , till at length he not onely had a great loss at sea , but buying a great quantity of pot ashes , intending to make a great profit by keeping them up , he lost a l. at a clap ; for much of that commodity coming in unexpectedly , he w●s forced to sell his at a great loss : these two unlucky hits , both falling on the neck of one another , shrewdly squeezed him ; but he being of a great courage , took little notice of it to the world , but still run on all that he could , adventuring a great part of the remainder of his estate to sea , which likewise failing , he was quite undone , but remembring that he had been in as bad condition ●ormerly , and still made a shift to come off clear , and creep up again , his credit being still high , he bought great quantities of goods upon credit , to pay at three months ; but not knowing how to bestir himself , being now got very highly in debt , and knowing very well that he could not make profit enough by those goods to set himself to rights , he thereupon bethought himself of con●eying away what he had , and giving all his creditors the slip : he had two other inducements that moved him thereto , the one was his wives death , which was lately happened , and the other was his wenches con●en● and earnest desire for him to do so , promising to a●ses● him in all she could , and also to accompany him to hi● voyage . this being agreed , the place intended for his voyage being holland , he sold as much goods in 〈◊〉 at an under-rate for ready money , as he received 〈◊〉 for ; and the rest of his goods amounting to 〈◊〉 worth , was put on board a ship , which was immediately to set sail for amsterdam ; his lady being 〈◊〉 board the ship , but in a disguise , virago-like , 〈◊〉 in mans apparel : he carried not his design so closely , but some of his creditors got knowledge of it , and understanding the business to be desperate , took out a statute of bankrupt , and going on board the ship seized on all ; he being then at london , taking leave of me , the scrivener , and some other friends . this being done , the news came quickly to his knowledge ; for before we parted , two of his creditors , accompanied with officers , not onely acquainted him with what they had done , but also secured his person . we were all surprized at this action , especially the drugster , who now appeared more dead then alive ; and though he was asked many questions , yet he knew not readily how to answer one ; and therefore they soon left us , carrying them away to one of their own houses , where they tyrannically kept him for some days , not permitting any person to come at him ; for though i attempted it , 't was in vain . the scrivener and i being together , wondred at the action , and could not tell what should be the occasion of this sudden business , for the drugster had not acquainted us with the bottom of his designe , onely telling us , that he was to go a two months voyage to holland , and so return . i then parted from the scrivener , and attempted to see and to speak with my friend the drugster , but it could not be at present ; but by often importuning , and pretending business of consequence , in ten days time i was permitted to see and speak with him ; when having secured and examined the chamber where he was , that none might over-hear our discourse , he soon acquainted me with every particular of his business and designe ; nor did he relate to me that his wench was on board in mans apparel , and how he had given a l. in silver into her custody . but , said i , where is the other l. for in all i heard you say , you had l. in ready money ? that said he , i hope is safe , if my cloaths are so ; and therefore , i pray , said he , assist me a little in this affair , and enquire what is become of the wench and my clothes , and i doubt not but in few days to put all things right enough again . i not only promised him to do my utmost , but went about it very faithfully ; and going on board the ship , found that all was gone ; but upon enquiry , heard that the young man that was to accompany the drugster in the voyage , was on shore at a house not far off : thither i went , and upon enquiry found out the party : i desired private speech with him , for she went for a man ; this was granted , and i discovering my self so plainly to her , in every particular , she made no great difficulty to be as free with me , and told me all was gone , cloaths , and every thing else , except her own box , where she had secured the l. that was given to her ; and , continued she , my friend could not have employed any person to me , to whom i would have been so free as i shall to you : for though you do not know me in this habit , yet i suppose had i my womans dress , you would soon remember me : i then protested to her , that i could not call her phisnomy to mind . well , said she , we have been more inward , and ere now lain together ; and thereupon told me , that she was one of those three that i lay with one night , and had redeemed from pawn , as i have formerly told you , at my last coming to london . upon this , though she was in breeches ; i made bold to kiss her and embrace her : well , said she , proceed no further , there may be time enough for the rest ; let us now consult what is necessary for our distressed friend : for , said she , if you and he desire it , i shall be willing to part from all the hundred pound , which i am yet mistress of . well , replyed i , you are the most generous and deserving woman of all your sex , especially of your quality , not onely for what you now offer , but what i formerly by experience , and lately by his relations have understood by you . truely , replyed she , where i promise fidelity , i perform it ; and where i find worth , i will endeavour to deserve and requite it : and though i have lived wantonly , yet since i was entertained by this gentleman as his friend , i have been wholly constant , and will persevere so long as he is able or i can otherwise handsomly contrive a way to subsist . in this you are very obliging , said i , but i hope you will not deny any old friend a courtesie . well , said she , more of that hereafter . from this discourse we fell to the matter in hand , consulting and contriving what was necessary to be done for our friends present accommodation : for the present , we agreed a●●●at money should lye in her hands , onely she should remove her quarters to the place appointed . this being done , i again repaired to him , and acquainted him with my proceedings ; he was glad i had found her and the hundred pound : but when i told him that the chest with his clothes were gone a●d secured from him , he was almost out of his wits , c●yed out , that now he was miserable , and never till now . well , said i , come ; be contented , there may be a way found to remedy this evil . no , said he , never till i am again master of that chest with my cloaths . upon this he was silent , and soon after two of his ●heif creditors entred the chamber , and told him ●hat if he would be ingenious with them , that they wo●ld not only release him , but put money in his pocket , ●hat he might trade again : for , said one of them , we have been at great cost already for the taking out the commission of bankrupt , and the commissioners fees ●or sitting hath already cost two hundred pound , and it runs up every day to more and more ; so that in fine , it will consume the estate , unless you will assist us in making up your accounts ; for there are several that we supposed had owed you money , do put in for to have a share with us ; and there●●on , they named two or three parties who had de●●●ded monies of them . to this the drugster re●●●● that he owed no such sums as were pretended , 〈…〉 of them owed him two hundred pound ; 〈…〉 this and offering to prove it , they desired 〈…〉 against the next day to appear before 〈…〉 ssioners ; and if he did justifie this , they 〈…〉 ●●mediately discharge him . this being agreed 〈…〉 him , and he was now in somewhat better taking then he had been , and i encouraged him to be●● up , and hope ●or the best . well , said he , if i can but get my chest of clothes again i care not ; and i pray fail not to be with me to morrow , and get my mistress to send me ten pound , that i may have occasion to ●e . we discoursed not much further for the present , but parted ; and i returning home to my masters , asked leave to be absent for that night ; to which he consented ; and indeed , i had so much liberty , that i might stay out so long as i pleased , my master using me rather like a companion then a servant . i now went to the drusters lady , and my quondam-acquaintance , and informing her of my business , she freely delivered me ten pound : but , said i , this is not all , i must have somewhat else before i go ; and thereupon called for wine , and we drank so briskly , that we were both pretty merry : and it being now late , she asked me where i intended to lodge : i said , with her ; that must not be , replyed she : and indeed i had somewhat to do to perswade her to it ; but at length i did , and we lay together without any suspition , she going for a man. we often interchanged many amorous imbraces , and performed all those dalliances that two longing lovers could expect , and made many protestations of a farther friendship : i telling her , that i believed her friend the drugster would not be offended , if he knew of our enjoyments , and would as well impart to me , as he had done his chiefest secrets : well , said she , if you gain his consent , you command mine , and i therefore leave it to your management ; and i suppose if you tell him of our former acquaintance , the greatest difficulty will be overcome . this i thought would be a ready way , as indeed it was : and since then we have had an equal enjoyment of her ; she having lain with one of us every night since , & during our voyage hither , and is one of those two are in mens apparel , and is called george . but , said i , to return to my matter in hand , i the next morning parted from her , and with ten pound in my pocket , went to my friend , who was going before the commissioners , whither i attended him ; and there he carried himself with so much free●om and ingenuity , that he was set at liberty , and promised more favours : he then made it his request , that he might have the chest with his cloaths : to this some consented , but others replyed , all must be appraised , and till then nothing could be disposed of , and therefore they demanded the key of him : this he refused ; but they told him , that then they would break it open : he seeing there was no other remedy , promised to bring it the next morning , and then desired they might be appraised , and delivered to him : and thus they parted ; and after he and i had drunk a pint of wine , we also parted . as i was going home i met with the scrivener , who being desirous to know how matters went with the drugster , would enforce a glass of wine on me ; when i told him all the matter , and omitting nothing , we judged that his five hundred pound was in that chest with his cloaths , and that now he would be stripped of it . but , said the scrivener , i wish he were master of that money , and then i should propound a way to him to leave them , by making him partner in a design which i have lately projected , and is now near execution . i needed not use many words to perswade him to acquaint me with his design , wherefore after few words , he opened to me the matter thus : i have , said he , lived in so full an enjoyment of every thing here , that i am weary of it , being tied to one place ; and my spirit being of a soaring rambling temper , am desirous of novelty and change ; and to that end , i have some time since purposed , and lately contrived a way to leave england for some other place , and consulting with the captain whom you know , have resolved for the east-indies , whither he is now bound : and that i might not go away beggerly , ( for i never intend to return , unless very rich ) i have contrived a way how to carry good store of money with me , which i am now plentifully provided with . yes , said i , i know it is no difficulty for you to procure what money you will , having the keeping of so much cash . you are mistaken , said he , i intend not to wrong my master of a penny , but have done it otherwise , the manner thus : my master hath lately taken a journey into the country , and left the sole management of his affairs to me ; and resolving now to make use of my time , i have put my project in execution . i have been with one of our money-masters , and told him , that such a man , whom he knew to be a good man , that is , a rich man , wanted so much money : this he readily consented , and i had the money delivered me , only giving him a bond , whereto i have counterfeited the name of him whom i told him was the borrower , and my self , with one more was a witness : this have i done with two or three , who was confident would trust me ; and with two i have pretended they would borrow of one another two hundred pound apiece , and given each other a counterfeit bond ; and i cannot chuse but smile , to think in what a case they will both be when the time of payment comes , and instead of receiving , they will demand two hundred pounds of each other : it may be they will be so frollick as to go to law ; if they do , it will make good sport for the lawyers . by this means , as i tell you , i have raised fifteen hundred pounds , which i have all ready by me in good jocobusses , and am ready in ten days to march off with my captain for the east indies , now if the drugster had his money in readiness , i should be glad of so good company . i heard him with much delight , and from that very minute resolved to make one of the company , and then offered him my service , which he kindly accepted of , and promised me that i should share all fortunes with him . i went back to my mistress , and provided my self for my voyage : and the next day the drugster bringing his keys , the chest where his clothes were was opened , and all in it were examined , but no money found : i remember that every parcel of cloaths they took , his eye was so fixed , that i thought would never remove it ; but at length all was pass'd over , and the clothes prized at twenty pounds : he earnestly entreated that he might have them ; but they replied , they could not do it without the consent of all , unless they gave so much out of their own pockets , and they had already lost too much by him . he finding that there was no way but one , took me with him to a tavern , and conjured me to do him one kindness , which was , by all means to purchase these cloaths at any rate ; and giving me the ten pound , i had brought him , and five pound more , he knew not at present what to do for five or ten pound more , which he advised me to give for the cloaths rather then fail . it was too far to go to his ladies quarters , wherefore i out of my own stock supplied that want ; and then going to the creditors , with much ado , perswaded one o● them , who had the keys , to sell me the cloaths : he would not consent to this , unless i would give him thirty pound , which was ten pound more then they were appraised at : though the demand was unreasonable , yet i was forced to consent , and putting ten pound into his own pockets , willingly delivered the cloaths to me , charging me not to discover what i gave . i did not much heed what he said , but gladly received the chest and key , and carried it to the drugster , who with much impatience expected me , it being carried up into a private chamber ; and the door fast locked , he unlocked ●he chest , and took out the cloaths , and drawing his knife , unript the collar of a doublet , where were several pieces of gold : nay then , said he , we are still safe , and i defie fortune and all her malice : in less then half an hour , with my assistance , we found out l. in gold , which was sewed up in several places about the cloaths . this being done , i soon acquainted him with the scriveners project , and my resolution , to this he likewise consented , only , said he , i must not leave my honest girl behind me . for that , said i , i question not but i shall have some influence to perswade her ; and thereupon i acquainted him with my former knowledge of her : well , said he , since it is so , we will continue her a friend to us both , and not entertain any jealousie . in fine , we agreed not only in that particular , but in every thing else ; and the scrivener being acquainted with all our designs , we so ordered the matter , that i , the drugster , and our mistress , and the scrivener , and a wench of his , whom he had likewise put into mans apparrel , did all come on board with all our treasure into our captains ship which was in the downs , and bound for this place ; and so having good winds , good company , and every thing to our content , are all safely arrived in this place . chap. xxxii . he being now by the relator brought acquainted with the scrivener , drugster , and the rest of his companions ; they enter into discourse about the s●veral factious religions practised in england . thus did our relator finish his long story , which was so filled with profit , as well as pleasure , that i accounted the time i had spent in hearing him the best bestowed of any : for i gathered so much variety of experien●es , that if i had any mind to prosecute my former course of life in cheating and roguing , i might now soon profess my self to be my arts master , if i did but bravely follow those examples he had related to me : but if they were any wise improved , as i had a genius fit enough to be highly active , i might then out do all example . these were my first thoughts , but i had not much time to spend in contemplation : but he having put an end of his discourse , i kindly thanked him for his great freedom used in his relation ; and told him , that since he had been so generous to me in unbosoming himself , i in requital did promise him a lasting friendship , and at our first leisure recounted some of my life to him , which i had hitherto concealed , that should give him satisfaction that i intended to use an absolute freedom with him . thus did we contract a friendship , and it was now time to eat somewhat , the best part of the day having been spent in his long narrative : such as the house afforded we had , and after a repast , we concluded both to go on board of their ship to find out his companions ; he resolving to acquaint them with what had passed between us , and to let them know my quality , believing they would be well enough satisfied with what he had done , because they might have great occasion to make use of me . in this resolution we were preparing to go to the ship , when the scrivener and drugster entred the house , enquiring for their companion , who presenting himself to them , they desired him to walk out , that they might confer together : no , said he , let us take a room here and discourse , which we may do with as much freedom as any where else : he urging it , they consented , and having a private room and necessaries , after a cup or too of wine , i left their company , on purpose to give my friend the taylor ( who was called gregory ) the opportunity of acquainting them with what had passed between us , which i suppose he did in very few words ; for within half an hour i was called for , and being kindly saluted by the two gentlemen , was desired to sit down and make one of their company . after a cup or two of wine more had passed , my friend gregory taylor thus spake to me : friend , i have acquainted these my two friends and companions with our late discourse , and by that they know that all their affairs are known to you also ; i have told them what i know of you , and we are all sen●ible that your acquaintance may be very useful and necessary in all things , but much more your friendship ; wherefore , as you say , i by my freedom with you have merited your acquaintance and friendship ; so i desire the same room in your b●●● f●r my friends , who by me desire it , and in requit you shall command ours ; and whatever we have , you shall be equally master of with our se●ves . i made no long pause in replying to them , that they might command my love and friendship ▪ and in that my all , to render them the utmost testimonies ●hat i could . and thus did we all agree to have a friendly correspondency , and to conceal nothing of our affairs one from another . we then dran● off some more wine , and though their two ladies ●nd the captain were absent , yet we remembred them in our cups , and resolved the next day to dine all on board the ship : and at my importunity i so far prevailed , as that the women might appear there in their own female-habits ; for it had now been a long time since i saw any european beauties . we after this , discoursed of many affairs of general consequence , as the manner of the countries , and governments both eccle●ia●tical and civil , in which we spent some time : but in regard all that can be said of that matter , is already related in the second chapter of this second part , i shall therefore here forbear it : but it wrought much upon the spirit of the drugster ; who having formerly been a great stickler in religion , was amazed that there was so good a correspondence in religion , which was as he imagined so barbarous : well , said he , i find that most places enjoy a greater happiness in their conformities in religion , then our native country of england ; for there instead of unity and loving conformity , they are rent and torn in pieces into many factions ; and that hath been the principal occasion of the effusion of so much blood as hath been spilt of late years . and when i left england , there was a discontented party that was ready on all occasions to attempt a publique mischeif for their private interest , and only to maintain a private self-will'd fancy , which they term'd religion . i my self ●or a long time bewitcht with a fanatick zeal ; and my master being a man of the same humour , had instill'd such principles into me , that i had much ado to have any charity for any person that was in the right : but in time i finding a great deal of strictness in the precise practice , and that under pretence of much zeal , there was more covetousness then in any other perswasion ; i quitted that perswasion for another , and shifted so long , that i found my life but one continued comedy of errors . in the end i went over to the episcopal party ; and one of the most powerful reasons that i had to follow the independant perswasion , was a woman , my mistresses sister , as i suppose you have already heard . yes , said i , this our friend hath given me satisfaction in that particular , and i very well approve of the revenge you had upon her : and as for my own part , i was once a very great lover of the ramble my self , but left it , out of a more generous consideration : for being in company with an orthodox parson , he told me that i was much mistaken in my opinions ; he gave me such a character of a libertine zealot , as i knew to be true , and wholly put me out of conceit with the faction : they were now all desirous to hear what was said to that particular ; and therefore i told them i would recollect my self , and give them the best account that i could , and such a one as i believed they would conclude with me , was not only ingenious , but true : and thereupon i began in this manner . the character of a libertine zealot . to describe him right , is a task like that of the taylor who took measure of the devil ; for there is nothing more like him upon earth then he : he is lined with covetousness , and covered with hypocrisie , the root and cloak of all evil . although at this time he carries a bible , yet upon occasion he wears a sword ; so that it is hard to say , whether he be of the tribe of simeon or levi. he swallows contrary oaths faster then the eagles in the tower do gobbets of flesh ; for the way to hell , and the conscience of a libertine , are two broad things . he condemns the lawful rites and ceremonies of the church ; and is more ravished with the squeaking of a tythe-pig , then with the musick of organs . he appears at his preachment ( like aesops crow ) in a dress of borrowed feathers ; for he preaches the works of other men , which are so much the worse for the coming out of his mouth , as wares for being of the second hand . but it would grieve your heart to see how he racks the ancient fathers , when he makes his own confession , and mangles the modern divines more barbarously then the hang-man did the body of hugh peters : i am sure poor priscian gets many a broken head . his eloquence consists altogether in rayling , as though he had got his education at billinsgate . in his discourse he runs on like a mad-dog , foaming and open mouth'd , yelping at the reverend bishops ; and even accounts many of his own brethren , the sectaries , as mad as himself . yet sometimes he perceives that his stuff is too short for the hour-glass ; and then the wheels of his rhetorick moove very heavily : he then spends much time in humming and spitting ; and with the wiping of his nose , makes many a filty parenthesis . as for his text , he handles that as moses did his rod , when it was turned into a serpent , he lays it down , and runs away from it : yet his sermon lies all written before him , for the poor copy holder in divinity can do nothing without his notes . thi● his weakness he would have you think is his worth , for he chargeth men of abler parts with presumption : yet when he prays , he shuts his eyes , pr●f●ring nonsense and tautologies before the divine lyturgy . vain wretch , that dares not speak to men without papers , and yet presumes to talk to god extempo e● as for his cong●egation , he saints or reprobate th●● , according to what they give him ; and like a gypsie , tells good fortune to none but those that cr●ss his hand with a piece of silver ; and by him , as well as by the pope , you may be canonized for mony : thu● he is a meer balaam ▪ that blesseth and cu●seth ●or rew●●d : he that opposeth him , acts the part of an angel ; but he that submits to him is worse then an ass if you consider his constancy , he is a kind of religious proteus , that is now ready to fawn upon that power against which he hath so long bark'd . if therefore th●re be a church in england which consists of men , surely , the orthodox , faithful , constant ministers , are the doors , windows , pillars , bells , and candlesticks ; and the rest serve only for weathercocks . it is confessed , that at the begining of the happy reformation , he was a little stubborn ; perhaps , expecting a second war ; but now ( poor heart ) he hath learned to pray for his majesty : but ( if you could hear the language of his soul ) it is so , as impatient heirs pray for their rich fathers . there are two sorts of men , who having escaped a deserved pair of gallows , prey for the king very strangly , that is , a felon , whilst the executioner burns his hand ; and a traytor , whilst the devil sears his conscience . if you would know his name , you may find it subscrib'd to an ugly petition ▪ for where bradshaw was a pilate that condemned , he was one of those jews that cry'd crucifie . he professes sorrow for the martrydom of our late soveraign ; but believe him not , for his hand helped to hale him to the block . in a word , he is ( at best ) but a state crocodile , and one that is maudlin-drunk with the kings blood . no more , but if you chance to meet with a hue and cry , you may tell them that he was lately in a sequestred parsonage . this character was hugely pleasing to the drugster , and indeed , he and his two companions , the scrivener and gregory the taylor , did all conclude that it was very ingeniously true , and gave much satisfaction to them in that particular ; and they all agreed , that the dissenters from the church , were the murtherers of their prince . they all so well approving of what had been said of these varlets , i told them that i could likewise relate somewhat else of the same gentlemans composure , who writ the character ; and which i did conclude to be altogether as ingenious , and that it was a great novelty , having never as yet been in print : they being earnest in their desires to hear me , i told them it was only the fifth fable of aesop moralized ; and thereupon i began as follows : the brutes would once go hunt : a nimble crew of those that dwell in dens and caves pursue and take a goodly stag , who in his fall proclaims sufficient booties unto all . each beast being troubled with their hungry maws , were urging clyents to their panting iaws : divide , says one ; another cries , cast lots ; with that , the lyon roars , away ye sots ; who 's that who says divide ? pray be content , the first part 's mine , because most excellent ; and but one part ! nay , then you do me wrong , a second part is mine , because most strong ; and if you dare give credit to my word , our pain and sweat have meritted a third . now there remains a fourth , which is but small , and scarce worth speaking of amongst you all ; which you may give me willingly ; and thus , renew the friendship betwixt you and us . be wise therefore ; is it more safe to move a lyons anger , or confirm his love ? for if you shew the least unwillingness , i 'll make you know the senior of your mess. this said , the hunters were amaz'd thereat ; they knew their distance , and they durst not prate , but hung their tail betwixt their leggs for shame , and went away more hungry then they came . this , said i , was the fable , which though it had already admitted of many paraphrases and morals , yet was never yet in my opinion so fit and aptly moralized , as in what i shall here recite , which i did thus : but take away the brutes and clear the stage ; enter those mighty nimrods of the age : that cursed crew that hunted for a throne , and made a babel in religion . lo here they come , that england did express to be more bruitish than a wilderness : a wide-mouth'd yelping-cur , with a long ear , of a scotch brood , they call'd him — : cerberus was his syre , and for his dam , a beast to whom adam never gave name . the solemn covenant which he did take , hun● like a pair of couples on his neck , the which he soon shook of ; nay more , the dog threw by his conscience , 't was a tedious clog . and then began the game : actaeons hounds ne're gave their master half so many wounds , as these their king : it was a hellish brood that took the sent of none but royal blood . loud was their cry , and nimble was their race , a sadder hunting far then chevy chase. but at the length , the royal hart they take , nor would they spare his life for caesars sake ; but he must die , yet noble — scorns his share , — onely got the horns . but like the lyon , cromwel , that great man , made of behemoth and leviathan , thus speaks ; and do you think , my friends , to share that prize in peace , which i obtain'd in war ? divide the spoil , and then as general , i claim the first part due for my excellency . a second part our able strength demands ; a third is mine , 'cause these victorious hands in all those fights wherein we had to do , were the most painful and most prosperous too . thus our activity , and strength , and worth , have wone three parts , there only rests a fourth ; which we 'll with love accept , but if deny'd , our sword shall teach you better to divide . thus , as our saviours vesture , which might not be cut in pieces , was obtain'd by lot : so our great charles his power , which could not be dissolv'd into an aristocracie , was tyrant cromwels share ; and now our whips were turn'd to scorpions : now the grand eclipse began ; we saw no sun for twice seven years , onely two fatal stars by turns appears : protectorship , and rumpish did prevail ; nol was the dragons-head , and they the tail. but welcome charles the second , happy are we , that britain's monarchy's restor'd in thee ; if cromwels life had put a period to 't , i 'd both begun and ended in a brute . if they were pleas'd with the foregoing characters , this fable thus moralized , gave them much more satisfaction , and highly contented them ; for the truth contained in it , was undeniable , and it was expressed with much ingenuity , and they told m● , that certainly he that composed these two things , the character and fable , was a person very ingenious ▪ and able to convert any that were seduced in that faction , unless they were very obstinate , as most of that faction were : for having been rebellious to their prince , they made that saying true , that rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft , not to be repented of . in this discourse of the several factions in religion we spent some time ; and the drugster being best acquainted with all of them , made a discourse of every one in particular from top to bottom : and when he came to speak of them , he told us , that he supposed there would now in a short time be some end of these growing factions ; because , said he , that quakerism is the last that is risen up , and it is now above twelve years since it began to be famous ; and though hitherto it encreases , yet they have not found any other novelty from that , as at first there was out of the first religious faction : but there is not one that is produced by the quaker ; so that it is hoped that will be the last of the factions . i have heard of one small faction that contradicts the quakers , and that is one muggletons sect , who together with one reeve , does pretend to be the two last witnesses that are to come upon earth . reeve is some time since dead , but muggleton surviving him , is a great enemy to the quakers , and their chief opponent : for they questioning his call , he for that cause damns them ; and so absolute he is , that he says , after he hath damn'd them , they cannot be saved , not by providence it self . he professes in one of his writings , being an interpretation of the chapter of the revelations , that he , and he alone can give a true interpretation of the scripture , and unfold the whole counsel of god , concerning himself , the devil , and all mankind from the foundation of the world to all eternity ; and this was never revealed by any of the sons of men , untill now : thus subscribing his papers , by lodowick muggleton , one of the two last commissionated witnesses and prophets of the only high , immortal , glorious god , christ iesus . we told the drugster that this sect of mugletons we had not heard of ; and i being very desirous to be further acquainted with this opinion , asked him if he had read his writings , yes , said he , and there is as extraordinary matters and opinions handled and treated of therein , as any sect that this last age hath produced : nay , and more absolute he would make himself then all others ; but he more especially writes against the quakers , in a manner condemning them all in general . i desiring to be more particularly informed of his writings , he granted my request , and proceeded as followeth : this book of his writing , said he , falling into the hands of one edward bourn a quaker , is by him despised and cavilled at ; for , he said that he had perused it till he was weary with looking into it , for it was one of the dirtiest and confusedest pieces of work that ever he saw : and many other particular cavils had he against it ; which muggleton hearing of , is so much offended , that he writes a letter to him , dated in august . and there he concludes : i write these lines unto you edward bourn , knowing you to be of the seed of the serpent , and appointed to eternal damnation before you were born ; though you know it not , i do know it , by your speaking evil of that doctrine which is declared by us the witnesses of the spirit , by calling it deceit , confusion and lies , with many more wicked speeches against the purest truth that ever was declared by prophet or apostle , because this is the commission of the spirit , and the last witness of god on earth . therefore for these your hard sayings against the doctrine of this commission of the spirit ; in obedience unto my commission , i pronounce you cursed and damned , both soul and body , from the presence of god , elect men and angels , to eternity : neither shall that light within you , nor any god deliver you from this curse , but according to my word it shall be upon you , because you shall know , that god hath given power unto man to curse you to eternity , and there is a prophet of the lord now in england . this letter being thus subscribed , was printed and sent to the said edward bourn . also another to one samuel hooker and w. s. both quakers , wherein amongst other things , he thus writes : first i decla●e as i am a prophet and messenger of the true god , that the people called quakers , are not the ch●ldren of the most high god , but for the g●nerality o● them , th●y are children of the devil , and are the very seed of the devil , and were begotten by him ; and i ( as i am an ambassador ordained o● god by voi●e of words ) can as truly say , that they a●e the seed of the serpent , and so the children of the devil , as ch●ist did to the iews , when he said , that they were serpents , yea devils , and the devil wa● their father . so can i say by you quakers , a●d ma●y thousands more as well as you , that you w●●e the children of the d●vil , that were begotten by him , and not begotten by adam , who never came ●h●ou●h the loyns of adam , though they came through the womb of eve. for this i know , cain was the first born of the devil , and adam had no part in the begetting of him . and from this cain cam● the jews that christ called serpents and devils . much more he writ●s against the quakers , and is as absol●te i● his sentence of damnation against these t●o being almost in the same words as the former . h●s w●itings in general are filled with many strange op●ni●n● a●d h●●i now the greatest enemy of the q●a●●rs , t●ll●ng th●m that they are but some of the m●l●ncho●ly o●t o● ra●t●rs , and by ●alling from ranti●g t● quaking ▪ ar●●ow worse than before ; for be●●re ●hey were in ●he wild●●●es● ▪ bu● are now return●d ba●k into egypt , and so the ●u●ther off from entring into the land of canaan : and in one place he is pretty pleasant with the quakers , for saith he , the greatest things that ever i heard the quakers do , is to find fault with a piece of ribbon , gold-button , or a bandstring , and such like , and to possess themselves with a melancholly spirit of witchcraft , and so ●all into witchcraft-fits , to lie humming and groaning , which doth fright the beholders ; so instead of those merry devils which they had upon the ranting score , where all was good , lying with their neighbours wife , deflowring virgins , coz●ning and cheating , and destroying every one in their outward estate which did ente●tain them , and now that devil is cast out , now they are grown in as much extream on the other side ; for now they are grown so precise and exact for apparel and for words , no words must be placed out of joynt , so that no man can almost tell how to deal with them ; and this melancholly devil hath cast out the ranting devil , which makes them so proud and stiff necked , thinking themselves that they are better than other people , when they are worse ; for they are possessed with the spirit of witchcraft , which makes them two-sold more the children of the devil then they were before ; which none can discover but this commission of the spirit ; neither did i ever hear by any which heard the quakers speak , that they did ever preach any sound doctrine , but only exhort people to hearken to the light within them ▪ which is a very low and easie thing for every ordinary understanding to comprehend ; and this is the cause there is such a multitude of men and women fall into it , &c. and thus did he proceed , his whole writing being to pull them down , and set himself up . soon after the printing of these letters , i met with a quaker , an acquaintance of mine , and asked of him whether he had seen these letters of muggletons , which went by the name of the neck of the quakers broken , or cut in sunder by the two-edged sword of the spirit , which is put into my mouth . he replyed , yea , he had . what thinke●t thou , said i , of those of your perswasion in general , and more particularly of those persons whom he hath damn'd ? i think him to be a deluded person , said he , for i have known him long , and also his fellow prophet reeve , who is since dead : and i remember this one passage , that one of our perswasion did calmly discourse with reeve about many principal things of his judgment and opinion : and though they did not agree to every thing , yet reeve said he , believed he would be converted , for that he was confident he was of the seed of faith , and not of that of the devil ; only that his eyes were not yet opened , but in time they would . and thus they parted . soon after muggleton ( who was always more vigilant than reeve ) being affronted by some quakers , according to his custome , pronounced the sentance of damnation against them ; which the quaker , who had discoursed with reeve hearing , and meeting with muggleton , told him he had done very ill in being so rash as to damn them : and further , charged him with wandring up and down to make sects . to this muggleton replyed , it is not i , it is those of the quakers that wander up and down ; as those that went to new england , and iohn perrot unto rome , to get the pope and his bishops to be disciples of christ ; and there to be puni●hed in his body : and when he came home again , to be damn'd to eternity by me for his pains ; because he went by the light within him , and was not sent by the voice of god without him : therefore eternal damnation will be his reward for going without a commission from god ; and so will all the ministers of the quakers . and whereas you say that my mouth is full of cursing , and that i shall reap of the same : likewise you say , that i am out of christs and the apostles doctrine , that said , bless , and curse not ; with many other sayings : as for my mouth being full of cursing , that is my commission ; neither do i curse any but devils , which are appointed for it of god ; and there is never a one that i have cursed , that shall escape that curse which i have denounced upon them ; neither will any god deliver them from it : for i do curse none but the seed of the serpent , who had his curse denounced upon him and his seed , at the beginning by god himself . to this discour●e of muggletons , our brother the quaker making some angry reply , in contradicting what he had said , muggleton did for that cause presently pronounce the sentence of damnation , alledging that he was of the seed of the devil . thus , said the quaker , though reeve said he was not of the seed of the devil ; yet muggleton his fellow prophet said he was , and therefore proceeded against him to damnation . now , whether he be damned or saved , judge you : and therefore , said he , i think it matters not much what he says , because they thus contradict one another . and thus we parted , and i concluded , that as it was no great matter what muggleton said or did ; so there was no great heed to be taken with what was , or should be said or done by the quakers : i believing and knowing that what muggleton had said of them as to their humours , and falling from ranting to quaking , and such like particulars , to be true ; though i believed him , and all other factions to be alike deluded and mistaken in the general . and , continued he , though this muggletons opinions and doctrine be thus strange , and he a very inconsiderable unlearned fellow , being by profession a taylor , yet he hath gained many to his belief , who give him much respect ; but he takes no money of them , only he gets hi● writings printed , and distributing them among his people , they pay him for them ; but in the main , he works at his trade for a lively-hood : and he hath , as well as the quakers , su●fered imprisonment , but hath been released and savoured , as i have heard by some persons of honour , who are well willers to him . thus did the drugster discourse of the factions , and we with him did hope and conclude , that since there was no greater a growth in faction , there having been no new ones for some years last past , that it was more than probable that they would consume and moulder away of themselves . the forenoon being spent wholly in the large narrative of the adventures of my now fellow companions and guests , and the most of the afternoon in this discourse , it was time now to think of parting ; and they being mindful of the entertainment they were to give me the next day on board of their ship , being out of my house , furnished with some necessary provisions , all parted from me . chap. xxxiii . he is treated by the travellers on board of their ship , where he sees the two women travellers : he invites and entertains them at his house ; where upon enquiry and discourse , he discovers the two women to be of his acquaintance when in england . my company being thus parted from me , i began to consider all the passages that had been this day related to me ; and after a serious contemplation of them , i concluded , that i might place this day as the most remarkable in all my life ; for i was acquainted with so much variety of experiences , as i had in a manner been hitherto wholy ignorant of ▪ what had happened to me in the former part of my life , having been trivial in comparison of what i had now lately heard : and i concluded , that if i should have travelled to all parts of the world to have found out companions fit for me ; i could not have been better accommodated with those that should have been so agreeable to my natural inclination , then those whom fortune had now brought to me . i had made it my resolve , to make my li●e as comfortable as i could , according to the old saying amongst those of my quality though a short life , yet a merry : and i saw providence had put such an opportunity into my hands , that i had all things provided for me , and nothing before their arrival was wanting but such a society . for i had a plentiful estate , but that gave me little content , being without the usual society of the wits ; and i now was likely not only to enjoy that in a full measure , but also there was some female company , the two lasses in mens apparel , who i understood were good girl , and such i hoped as would not prove hard-hearted , and deny one of their country-men the usual civility of their enjoyments : i did not much question it , because indeed i was so much in favour with venus , that i was hardly ever refused that courtesie by any of her votaresses . i told my wife , there was a great likelihood of much profit to be gained by these guests , who were resolved to take up my house wholly for their quarters , and therefore i ordered all things to be provided in ample manner for their constant entertainment : for though i was now rich enough , yet i knew not how soon fortune might turn tail upon me , and therefore knowing that my guests were all well provided with moneys , i was resolved to put in with them for a share of it : but i had no thoughts of wronging them , or putting any trick upon them ; for it is accounted a very great crime in the greatest proficient of roguery , to cozen or cheat his fellow thief , and a thing seldome done amongst them . i had now some thoughts of leaveing my black wife and that country ; and when these my new acquaintance should leave this place for another , as i suppose they would , then to go with them , for there was nothing there that gave any great invitation to stay in it , my inclination leading me rather to visit some european country . these considerations took me up some time ; and night coming on , i betook me to my cot , where i took my ordinary repose ; and the next morning being come , i apparelled my self the richest that i could ▪ that i might add some grace to my person , being to vi●it two of my country-women , in whose favour i was desirous to get some place . being thus accoutred , i went to the sea-side , and with the help of a boat was soon aboard a ship : where i was welcomed by the captain and the rest of the company , and by them conducted into a great cabin , where was no other company but the two women ; who now being apparelled in their womans habit ala mode d' anglois , i was very well pleased , not having for a long time seen any thing so acceptable and pleasant : i had not forgotten our english fashion of saluting them , neither were they backward in rising and meeting me in order thereto : that done , i placed myself between them ; i soon began a discourse to them , which i knew would not at all be displeasing , and that was commending their beauties , telling them , that if the present emperour of the country , the great mogul , did but understand what a treasure he had in his country by their arrival , that he would quickly secure it to himself , and hinder the prosecution of their voyage any further . to this they reply'd , that they did not believe he would see any thing in them that should merit such an esteem : but , added one of them , if he should do so , and be never so desirous of my company , yet i am better satisfied ( in the society that i am at present in possession of ) then if i were courted and served by the greatest prince upon earth . to this so generous speech , i reply'd , that those persons who had the honour to be her servants were in that very happy . these complements being pass'd drink was brought , and after that victuals , which we had in great plenty , there being no want of any thing that could he had at the best mans table in england ; and all the dishes of meat were dress'd in the english fashion , by a cook of that country . after dinner we fell again to discourse , the women being very desi●ous o● novelties , and to be acquainted with the customs of the country , especially of those used by women ; but when i told them of th●t custom of the better sort of country-women , how they usually accompanied their husbands in death , by burning their living with their husbands dead bodies , they were not very well pleased therewith , accounting it great folly ; for , said they , it cannot possibly do their husbands any good , and why they should so destroy themselves out of a complement , was foolish . to pass through , and accompany a husband or friend whilst living in all dangers , is what is befitting ; but there being no remedy for death , nor no present enjoyment after death , thus to cast away themselves , is ridiculous . we allowed of their opinions , as grounded upon reason : i asked them how they liked our men , the inhabitants ; not at all , said one of them as a husband or bed-fellow , but if there were no other men to be had , we must be contented with them rather then none , as well as you are with the native-women . various were our discourses in which we entertained one another with much pleasure , having a lusty bowl of punch still standing by us , whi●h as we drank off , we renewed , and at some of our frolicks , one of the great guns were discharged . i had ey'd both these women very curiously , and did imagine , that i had formerly seen them , and had some acquaintance with them . i knew one of them more particularly by the tone of her voice , but it having been so long a time since i had seen either , i could not call them to mind ; i did not at all think it covenient to ask them any particular questions , referring that to a greater privacy . i being now acquainted with most of their transactions , they asked my advice in disposing their moneys , and selling their commodities , and what to buy to turn to the be●t advantage : to all these questions i gave them the best answers i could , to their satisfaction ; and now night coming on , i desired to leave them , and invited them all to my house the next day , they not only concluded on that , but agreed that the women should constantly take my house for their quarters , it being more convenient then on board of the ship , they coming in their mens apparel , and i providing for them with all privacy ; to this i agreed , and after a fresh cup of wine , and my ordinary salutes to the women , i left them and went home to my wife , who at my desire provided all things necessary , not only for the next days entertainment , but for the future conveniency of my lodgers who were not to be known to her for other then men . the next day they came , and we were again all merry but some occasions calling away the men , the women were left alone with me . i was now resolv'd to enquire whether they had never known me : they both replied , not that they at present knew of ; but they both said , that certainly they had seen me in england , but at present they could not remember where , wherefore they prayed me to give them some account of my condition and quality when i lived in england : to this i reply'd , that i had indeed been of all conditions , and a very rambler , and it was a great chance , but if they had been in any publique house of entertainment , that i might have seen them there , to this they both answered , that they had for some time been publique enough in entertaining gentlemen in their company with much freedom : but , said one of them , who was the scriveners mistress , i have certainly seen and known you before i undertook any such courses , for if i be n●t mistaken , you are the man did first deceive me , and therefore , i pray , tell me , if in your travels in englan● , you did not light into a farmers house , and d●d some kindnesses o● discourtesies to his daughter , and then le●t her . i hearing her say this , after some small pause , recollected my self , and seriously viewing her , concluded he● to be the very farmers daughter whose maidenhead i bereaved her of , and in requital left her , and gave her no other satisfaction then a paper o● verses . i being now resolv'd in my opinion , ran to her and embracing her , beg'd pardon for that affront , telling her , that it was onely one of those ma●y youthful tricks whereof i had been guilty . she at fi●st out of sence of the affront i had done her , could not forbear weeping ; but i gave her so many good words , that in fine , she was well enough satisfied , and lovingly permitted me to embrace and kiss her . the other woman hearing that my acquaintance with her companion began with the loss of her virginity , mus●d and blushed , and very strictly beholding me , said , and truly , if i be not mistaken , i purchas●d my acquaintance with you with the same loss : but i was deceived by you in a more subtil manner then this my companion ; for she knowing you to be a man , permitted you to her bed ( as she hath related to me . ) but if you are the person that i mean ( as i now think you are ) you became my bedfellow by a mistake ; for not only i , but many others of the family believed you to be a woman . i hearing her say this , fixed my eys upon her , but could not perfectly remember her : but to the discourse she made , i gave this answer ; truly madam , i have been o●ten guilty of female frauds ; and during the whole course of my life , i endeavoured chiefly to have the company o● f●males ; and i hope if you were one of those with ●hom i ●ay at a boarding-school , where i went for a s●rvant-maid , that you will forgive me that fact ; for i● it were not there , i then cannot tell where i should have so much happiness as to enjoy you . there it was , replyed she , where i lost my virginity and honour , and which i have so often repented of ; for i was then well beloved of an indulgent father , who for that fact cast me off ; and ever since i was forced to wander like a vagabond , and by infamous courses to gain a livelyhood , and with this she wept . i was much amaz'd at these two adventures , and indeed pittied them both ; but more especially the last , whom i had so long since deceaved ; and seeing her tears , i kneel'd down to her , begg●ng her ●ardon , and telling her that what was p●ss'd was not to be prevented or help●d ; but if she plea●●d i would for the future be he● humble servant in ●ss●●ting her in what i might . to this she told me , that she knew there was no remedy for what was passed , but that the remembrance of that first misfortune could not but sensibly afflict her , but she should throw off that sorrow , and make the best of a bad matter ; and thank providence , that since it was no better , that it was no worse : and as she had hitherto been well contented with her condition , so she intended to frame her spirit and mind to be so for the future ; and that now she had the satisfaction she had often desired , in seeing that person who first tasted and crop'd her virgin flower . her companion did likewise say , that it was the greatest satisfaction she had ever received since the loss of my company , that she had again found me ; for ( notwithstanding my base and abrupt leaving her ) she had still preserved a more cordial love for me , then for any person she had ever since then enjoyed . the other said the same , and though i was partly unknown to her when i lay with her , as being disguised in womans apparel , yet she still had me in her memory , and often wished for the sight of me : and from this discourse we all concluded , that though a woman had many husbands or servants , yet she seldom loved any man with so much affection as him with whom she first tryed and tasted the effects of love , and who had her virginity . well ladies , ( said i ) i am so much bound to you for preserving an affection for me , who have so unworthily deserved it , that i shall dedicate the remaining part of my life wholly to obey and serve you . as for that profession of your love now , said the drugsters mistress , ( who was the youngest , and her , who i had enjoy'd at the boarding-school ) it matters not much , for we have had experience enough in the world to shift for our selves ; and neither are we unprovided of those who will take care for us , and save you that trouble . no trouble at all , replyed i , but an honour , which i pray you to bestow on me to serve you in any degree . they were very much surpriz'd , and so was i at this adventure : and i thought it was best to talk no more of it at present , wherefore i call'd for some wine , and such banqueting cheer as i had , and desired them to participate of it , which they did ; and so i at present diverted them from that profound melancholly wherein they were brought upon this occasion . at length they again reassumed their jovial temper ; and beginning to be a little frollick , i assisted them in that humour : but i was very earnest to know their adventures , being , as i supposed , concerned therein , they being both with child by me when i left them ; i therefore begg'd the satisfaction to know what did become of the fruit of our enjoyments , those children which i suppose they had by me ; for i told them i was not unsensible of the condition i left them in when i parted from them . truly reply'd the drugsters mistress , who was named mary , i know not at all what became of mine since it was born . and said the other , who was the scriveners mistress , and was named dorothy , and had been the farmers daughter , i know but little of mine since it was a year old . i was desirous to hear of both of them their several fortunes , or rather misfortunes since i first knew them ; and they agreeing to give me that satisfaction , it was concluded that mrs. mary , with whom i had first to do , should first relate her story : and therefore she began as followeth . chap. xxxiv . mrs. mary relates how that she being got with child at the boarding-school , is renounced by her parents but provided for by her aunt , where she lay in of a daughter , after which she is courted in way of marriage by a gentleman , who hearing of her mischance , instead of marriage abuses her ; and being engaged in a quarrel about her , leaves her to shift for her self , &c. in the discourse that i shall make to you concerning those accidents or misfortunes that have befallen me , i shall neither be reserved nor tedious , but plain and short ; for i have no reason to disguise any of my actions to two such persons , who are so generally welt acquainted with the general affairs of the world , and who have a particular knowledge of me : though , sa●d she to me , i must needs confess i received very mu●h pleasure in the first imbraces i had with you ; when , though i supposed my self in bed with one of my own sex , yet i found to the contrary , and then tast●d the pleasures of a male bedfellow : though , said i , the sweets of that converse were delightful at pre●ent : yet i have through that onely occasion suffere● many cross●s , and been accompanied with much affliction and trouble , which soon overtook me . i was very young , not being above sixteen years of age when i first lay with you ; and so innocent i was a● tha● age , that i did not imagine that i should h●ve ●ound so sudden an alteration in my body , as w●● thereby occasioned ; neither did i conc●ive what would be the effects thereof , till some of my other companions , who had lain with you before me , were di●cov●red to be sick , and the occasion of their dist●mper being enquired into , it was ●ound they were with child , and th●n i did guess my self to be in the same condi●ion ● suppose you are not ignorant of what you had done , and therefore took your flight ; but though you con●rived your e●cape cunningly enough by puttin● on ●●ns apparel , yet it was observed , and you w●re ●ollow●d so narrowly , that we supposed you had be●n ●a●●en , but it proved otherwise . yes replyed i , when i made ●y escape , i made for london , and being ha●ited in a suit of cloaths of my mistress●s sons , i wa●●●a●ful o● being discovered and known by them , an● therefore meeting with a young man of my a●quaintance : i remember , i perswaded him to exchange cloaths with me , and so i escaped ; but i would gladly know how be came off . truly , replied mrs. mary , that story was somewhat strange , for the constable who seized him , had order not to make much noise in the matter , but only to secure him at present in his own house , which he having done , came to our boarding-school , and acquainted our mistress that he had secured the party ; this being known , my mistress sent her son whose cloathes were stollen to the place ; where instead of finding our maid iane ( for by that name , i remember you went , when you lived with us ) he saw a strange young man in his cloaths , though he was told before you had his cloaths on , which he yet saw before him , yet he knew you well enough , not to be so mistaken : for the party that was in that habit was nothing like you ; he therefore thoug●●hat all that had been reported to him was false , till he had made a further enquiry of the young man your friend , who was first asked , where he had those cloaths : he not knowing any reason he should deny any thing of the truth , freely and fully acknowledged that he had them in exchange of his own , of a young man his friend ; and being asked many other questions , as whether he knew you , and knew you to be a man , and where this exchange was made ? he fully resolved his examiners of all questions , and proved the exchange of cloaths by the people of the house where the exchange was made . my mistresses son being returned with this answer to his mother , it caused great wonder in all who were not privy to your disguize , but there being about seven or eight of us , who were knowing of that secret , and were known to lie with you , we were all privately examined , and some of us having been sick for some time before , and now strictly examined of the cause , and whether we knew any thing of your disguise , and whether you were man or woman ; we could not hide or deny our knowledge thereof . upon this discovery , our mistress ( though she was termed a very discreet person ) was so outragious , that we thought she would have lost the ordinary use of her sences ; and several revenges she propounded to take of you , not thinking you were escaped her power : but when she understood that you were gone , she caused all privy search and enquiry to be made after you , but to no purpose . the young man , your friend , who had been secured , was discharged , as being found wholly innocent of the crime ; and neither was he deprived of his cloaths , but had them freely given to him , and a good sum of money promised him if he could find and secure you : but th●●●h much endeavour was used to find you , yet i could never hear any thing of you , till this late encounter . but to proceed in my story , our mistress upon second thoughts resolved to keep this business private for some longer time , to see how many of those seven or eight with whom you had lain , would prove with child ; and it was not long before she found that five of the number were pregnant , whereof i was one . how she ordered the matter with the rest , i know not ; but for my own part , my father being made acquainted with my misfortune , wholly refused to take any care or notice of me ; neither have i ever since seen his face ; for though i supposed he loved me well enough , yet i had a mother in law , who might perswade him to flight me , and made use of this occasion to throw me off : but though i was thus cast off by my father , yet i had an aunt , who was sister to my own mother , who came and visited me ; and finding that what was past could not be helpt , took me home with her to her house ; where after the usual time of womens breeding and bearing children , i was delivered of a daughter , which was soon after its birth sent further into the country to be nursed : and i suppose it was carried thus privately , in hopes to soulder up the crack that might be in my reputation , which though it did for the present , yet it soon after brake out again . for a young gentleman who lived in the next town to that where my aunt dwelt , having seen me , fell in love with me , and often waited on me at my aunts , and took many opportunities of meeting me abroad . though i liked and loved him well enough , and could have been pleased to have entertained his love with liking at the first offer of it , yet i was commanded by my aunt to stand off , and be coy in my entertaining of him , lest , as she said , he might by my freeness suspect me of lightness ; for the matter had been so privately carried in my lying in , that it was not known to him nor any , but some few in the house ; and to all others i passed as a virgin. i taking this advice of my aunt , gave him but indifferent entertainment ; so that he who was passionately in love with me , devised all ways he could to woe , please and win me ; and to that end , he not only presented me with many gifts , as marks of his affection , but also ( according to custome ) and that so largely , that she promised him all her assistance , and gave him notice of all opportunities whereby he might wait on me , and please me . all things were now brought to a very good pass , and my aunt had so prudently mannaged this affair , that my father was content to part from a considerable sum of money for my advancement which was ●o the full satisfaction of the gentleman who courted me . there wanting nothing now to conclude this ●ffair but the accomplishment of a few days , in which ●ll writings were to be sealed , and the wedding to be consummated ; when all was done , and in that i undone , by the treachery and pe●fidiousnes● o● thi●●y servant maid . for she having received gifts 〈◊〉 the young gentleman , and i having angred her in a trivial matter , she to be revenged on me , did a●qua●nt my suitor with my condition , and that i should not die with my first child , for he should be a ●●ther ●he first day of marriage . although at he● fir●t dec●aring this matter to him , he could not 〈◊〉 re●●i● thereto , yet she affirmed the same with s● m●n● and so earnest asseverations , that he was confirm● 〈◊〉 t●at belief , and therefore enjoyning her to ●e●●esie 〈◊〉 assistance , and to that end pres●nting her with som●what that was considerable , he left her ; and now 〈◊〉 resolved to deceive me , as i intended him , he ordered his affairs accordingly , and to that end he caused some delay to be used in the writings . we being now , as i thought , as good as man and wife , i entertained him with much f●eedom , and he courted me with less observance , coming now closer to me in his salutes and embraces : i was so pleased with him in all his actions , that i became wholly at his devotion , and therefore without the consent and knowledge of my aunt , we went together out of the town to a merry making of several of his acquaintance , where we stay'd somewhat late , and he having caused me to drink to a good height , made a halt by the way , and we went into an inn of his acquaintance , he pretending somewhat was amiss in one of his horses shoes : here we having privacy , he attempted to be more free with me than ever , and prevailed so far with me , that he had the examining of my placket , with more freedom then modesty would allow of ; but though he would have proceeded further , yet i refused it ; he seeing this , desisted , and we again remounte our horses , and he conducted me safely to my aunts : but although it was very late , yet she sat up , and expected me ; and expressed her self very angry with him for keeping me out so unseasonably : he did not well rellish her words , but reply'd somewhat tartly to her again , which encreased her anger , and raised it to some passion , and so in anger they at that time parted , he riding home to his own house . i was likewise suffi●iently school'd by my aunt , but i excused all with soft answers , and pleading obedience , which i thought i was bound to pay him , being our marriage was so soon to be celebrated . my lover was resolved to make use of that dayes experience of my easiness , and my aunts anger , which he was well enough pleased should continue , and therefore forbore coming to visit me ; but he sent a m●ssenger to my maid ( who had betray'd me ) to give him a meeting : she obeyed his summons , and there , and then was my ruine contrived ; for it was agreed between them two , that she should perswade me to be ruled by him in every thing , without acquainting my aunt any more with my proceedings ; and a letter was written , wherein he express●d a continuance of his love , and desires of mine , and for a proof thereof , he desires me to provide my self to meet him at a place appointed , which i did , and there we concluded to go for london together , where he promised to marry me without any more delays . i believing him in every thing , ( being perswaded thereto by my treacherous servant ) took only some few necessaries with me , and so went to him . and thus leaving all , went with him to london , where when we were arrived , he went to some lodgings , where he had provided , as he said , for himself and wife . i was at first contented with the discourse and name of wife ; but when bed-time came , i was not fully satisfied to go to bed with him ; which , though i at first opposed , yet in the end , after many protestations of his next days performance of marriage , i consented to , and thereby agreed to my undoing ; for the next day , instead of marriage , he went out in the morning , leaving me only with the landlady of the house , and returned not in two days ; and then he pretended he had been in great vexation , for that very morning he left me , he being going to speak with a priest to marry us , he was met with by a person , to whom he was a little indebted , who basely trappan'd and arrested him , and he was forc'd to be in the custody of bayliffs ever since , till he had perswaded a friend to lend him some moneys , which together with what he had of his own , he said he had paid to his debtor , and so was discharged . and now , said he to me , i have sent home for some more monies , which i know will be brought me in two days time , and then i shall put an end to this business of our marriage although i seeemed discontented with what he told me , and did begin to believe that he would abuse me ; yet i knew it was to no purpose to be very angry , and onely caused him to give me fresh protestations of the honesty of his intentions , and that as soon as ever his money was come , he would fulfil all my desires . thus was i forced to be contented with what he said , and to comply with him in all his desires : for we lay together ; but i kept within doors very privately , refusing to be seen by any body , till such time as our wedding should be over . but though two or three days , and a week was now past since he pretended he had sent into the country for money , yet there came no returns : at which i was very much discontented , he also seeming dissatisfyed , i then told him , that i had brought a small sum of money with me , which i supposed would be sufficient to pay the charges of that occasion . he asked me how much i had , i told him about l. i remember he was somewhat blanck , and at a nonpluss at this proposition : but he soon recovering himself , told me that he expected l. to be brought him , and that would be little enough to defray all the charges he intended to be at ; for he purposed to lay it all out in cloathes for me and himself , that we might appear the more splendidly , not only to some friends in london , whom he purposed to visit soon after marriage , but also in the country whither he intended in short time to return to demand my portion , and settle all things according to the agreement of our friends and as for the small sum of l. he told me i would have occasion to lay it out in trivial things on that occasion . thus was i put off at this time ; and indeed so often afterwards , that i in plain terms told him , that i supposed he intended to abuse me , he being resolved to stand the brunt of all my exclamations at this time , did not endeavour , as formerly to pacifie me , but rather provoked me to say more , and be more angry with him , which i was , and reproached him with the abuse he had done me . he having heard the utmost of what i could say , in short told me , that he was the abused party ; for should he marry me , as he intended , he should have a greater charge to maintain then i told him of , for he had u●derstood that i was mother of a child ; and so the abuse that i would put on him was double : i was so surprised with what he said , that i was more dead then alive , and could not for a long time speak to him ; and when i attempted it , i knew not what to say for my self , for he ●i●●ctly told me , that he was acquainted with every particular of that my misfortune : and thus having said , he left me . many and sad were the thoughts that i entertained in my mind , and i perceived my self to be miserable : for to return to my aunt , i knew it would be to no purpose , i having thus abused her in my last leaving her . therefore i concluded it was my best course at present to comply with the desires of my first lover , not knowing whom to flee to for refuge ; wherefore at his return home , i began to him in tears to lament my sad condition , begging pardon for what was past , cleerly confessing the truth of all my former misfortune , and that i would for the future be very obedient and constant to him in all things : he gave me the hearing of what i said , and told me all should be well ; but i could never find him after that inclinable to marry me , only putting me off with one pretence or other and having a full enjoyment of me already , cared for no more : and now to content and please him , i must not only entertain several of his friends at home at our lodging , but also wait on him abroad ; and instead of a wife , i passed for his couzen. amongst other per●ons that came to visit him , there was a gentleman of good quality , who being of his intimate acquaintance , was frequent at our lodgings : he taking his opportunity to find me alone , made a tender of his love and service to me , and offered me his assistance in every thing i should command him . i finding that he understood somewhat of my condition already , and believing it would be to no purpose to conceal any thing from him , did make him an exact and true narrative of my misfortunes : he was much troubled at the recital of things so strange , but did comfort me the best he could , promising me his best assistance in putting his friend on to perform his promise of marriage : for , said he , i know little reason he hath to deny or refuse it . for your misfortune at the boarding-school , was so subtile a business , that you cannot w●ll be blamed for it . this gentleman accordingly did endeavour to possess my hoped for husband with that opinion , and to perswade him to marry me but all in vain ; for he had now all the sweets he could expect from me , having lain with me for above a month together , and in that time i endeavoured with all artifice i could , to give him all possible content : but he was now cloy'd ; and therefore told his friend , that for his mistress he intended to keep me , but never to have me for a wife . i was neer distracted when this answer was told me ; but the gentleman did again comfort me , promising that he hoped in short time to put all things to rights again . i seeing it was to no purpose to be angry , resolved to bear all things with patience , and seem to be frollick , which was to a good height ; and this gentleman seeing me in so merry a humour , was desirous to put in for a share in the pleasure of my enjoyments , and to that end now courted me indeed : he had been so civil to me in these late transactions , that i could not hansomely refuse him any thing ; but however , i for some time held out against all his loving importunities ; but he having an absolute freedom in our lodging , so opportunity , that he won me to his embraces , and had a full possession of me . thus was i enjoyed by two men ; but my last lover was very cautious in keeping this his enjoyment from the knowledge of his friend , and we took opportunities in his absence to renew our pleasures . but at length we grew so bold in these practices , that my first lover discovered us , and waching his opportunity by hiding himself in the chamber , he took us in the manner . he discovering himself , used many outragious speeches to me and my companion , as , that he abused him , in perswading and urging him to marry with one who was his prostitute : the other flew out in high expressions ; and being valorous enough ; they drew their weapons , and before i could get any to interpose and hinder their fight , my new lover was wounded , and that so desperately , that he fell ; the other seeing that , and supposing him killed , fled , and so left me : and my wouned friend being visited by chirurgions , recover'd a little , but desired to be removed to his own lodgings lest he might be prejudiced by the various reports that would run upon this occasion ; i was likewise willing to have it so , as thinking it most covenient . thus was i left alone , and i , who lately had two lovers and servants , was now left without any ; for my old friend came no more after me , and my new servant who was wounded , was forced for his health-sake to be carried into the country . now did i find my self truly distressed , for i wholly retired my self , not seeing any man , and was only accompanied by my landlady , and another ancient woman who frequented her house . in vain did i expect the return of either of my lovers , and almo●t all my moneys was gone , in diet , and for payment of lodging . my landlady proposed several ways and courses for me to take , as to send to my first friend who brought me thither , which i did , but could not hear of him ; she would have had me send to my aunt , but i wholly refused so to do , being resolved to bear with any necessities , rather then again to apply my self to her . the other old woman , who , i told you , frequented our house , did then put in some words to the discourse , and my landlady leaving us together , she told me , that if i would be ruled by her , she would so order matters , that i should want for nothing , and live the most pleasantest life in the world . i who was now miserable enough , was well enough pleased to hear of pleasure , and bid her say on : she thereupon told me , that it was great pity that so delicate a beauty as mine should be closeted up , and that i should spend that time in tears and lamentations , which might not only be a pleasure to my self , but many others who would love me with a great deal of passion ; and whereas hitherto i had only been reserved to serve the pleasures of one man , or two at the most , and for that i had only reaped sorrow and trouble ; that i might command many , who would , not only please and serve me , but i should command their purses , by having money enough at my own dispose . many words to this purpose she uttered , and many arguments she used . though at the first i did not understand what she aimed at , yet by several questions , which she answered me , i found she would have me prostitute my body for my pleasure , and to gain a livelihood ; and in fine , should get my living with the hands i sate on . though i had tasted man , as first with you , and afterwards had two at a time , my two late lovers , and by that was induced to desire more of the same pleasures , yet i was extreamly unwilling to prostitute my body to every fellow that should bring mony in his hand ; and this i suppose i must do , if once i undertook that course . thus i reasoned with this old woman , but she told me . no , i should not do so , for i should only have my choice of what and whom i liked , and few of such would be profitable enough to maintain me in a splendid garb ; and to this she gave me so many reasons , that i consenting to leave my lodgings , went with her to the place where she conducted me . chap. xxxv . she gives an account of her being entred into a bawdy house , where she received great profit by the sale of her maidenhead . i being now come to the place intended , was entertained by a grave ancient matron , in whose face might be seen the ruines of no common beauty ; and the defects of that being occasioned by age , was sufficiently supplied in a deportment and garb that was not common , though it were very pleasant . she gave me many welcomes , and told me that she had a very great respect for me , having heard of my misfortunes , and hoping that she might put an end to my sorrows , and afford me fresh pleasure : she had to that end employed that antient woman as her messenger , to perswade me to leave that house of mourning wherein i was , for hers , which was a pallace , nay , a paradice of pleasure , wherein i should be accompanied with all manner of contentment . i told her i should be willingly obedient to her commands , in expectation of those pleasures she promised . several other discourses we had , whereby she gave me instructions how to behave my self ; and , said she , since you intend to make one of my family , i shall give you an account of my manner and method in governing the same . my house , continued she , being frequented by persons of all qualities , it is therefore necessary that i should be furnished with women , who should be proper and fit for their respective accommodations , for the servants and pages must be sometimes served as well as their masters ; i therefore distinguish those women that belong unto me into three several sorts and distinctions ; and because i intend to make use of you only in the first and principal , i shall therefore be more particular in my discourse to you of that . you are therefore to know , that as my house is well enough furnished with women to accommodate my ordinary guests , so i have several who are kept abroad ▪ who serve for the extraordinary accommodation of my best sort of guests , and those are such as are so queamish stomached , that will not see one face above two or three times ; with these a maidenhead is a very great dainty , for they lay out with me for one , sometimes a quarter or half a year together . now , though i know you have parted from yours already , yet i question not but to make a good merchandize of yours , and get a good round sum of mony for you and my self ; and if you will be ruled by me in everything , i shall so manage the business , that you shall not have to do with above two or three in a twelve months time , and they shall be such , as shall not only maintain you in a brave garb and equipage , but you shall gain many jewels , and a good round sum of money . to this discourse i replied , that i hoped she would perform what she said , and in expectation thereof , i should dispose my self to be wholly directed by her . this i remember was our first discourse , or to this purpose , and she presently orderd me a lodging within a few doors of her house , where i had such another as my self for my companion , and we were very well accommodated with every thing ; my habit was somewhat altered , for i was now put into the most exact mode that was then in best esteem . according to her directions i carried my self in every thing ; and once a day i waited on her , or else she came to me . i had not been there many days be●ore she told me that there was an opportunity to begin my business , and therefore she advised me to go the next day to a play ; and set my self out in the best manner that i could ; but she advised me by all means to decline drinking , or entertaining any discourse with any person , though i should be importuned thereto , i promising obedience to her commands ; and my companion , who was my bed-fellow , attended me to the play-house , where by great attention to the comedy that was acted , i did not mind those who made it their chief business to gaze on me . the play being done , i went out , but was stayed by two gentlemen ( who by their habits seemed of quality ) who offered me their service to wait on me . i at first answered them with silence ; but they seeing i had no other company but my bed fellow , were very importunate to have me accept of theirs . i told them that they were strangers , and therefore durst not admit of their kind offer : having said thus , i called for a coach , and though they still importuned me to accept of their company , yet i absolutely refused it , and so caused the coachman to drive home . that evening was i visited by our matrona , who told me , i had done well , for she had an account given her of my deportment : for , said she , it is not unknown to me that you were offered the service of two gentlemen , one of which is a person who is a retainer to my house , an old beaten souldier , and several such we are forced to keep correspondency withal , that we may have new fresh guests brought to our house . the other gentleman , said she , is one who hath a long time laid out for a fresh bit , and he was carried to the playhouse on purpose to see you ; whom i gave my correspondent his companion so just an account of , that he could not miss knowing of you : they both followed your coach to your lodgings ; and have since been at mine , and my young coxcomb is very much smitten with your beauty , and offers any thing that he may enjoy your company . i have promised him my assistance , but he must come off well first ; and i question not but to manage him so , as in few days you shall find the effects of his love in some noble present , therefore said she , fail not to be directed by me , and i doubt not but you will reap much pleasure and profit . i having promised a just compliance to her desires , she departed leaving me in the company of her bed-fellow , who that night entertained me with a large account of her adventures . i remember she told me , that when she first came acquainted with our matrona , she was pick'd up almost in the same manner as i had been ; and that in less then two monthes , her maidenhead was sold six times , for which she had gained in presents to the value of fifty pounds ; and i suppose , said she , our matrona gained above as much more in money : since then , said she , my first customers have but rarely visited me ; and she having no more customers for my maidenhead , i now pass for a merchants wife , and am often sent for in that name ; and i seldom miss a day without one or two customers , who entertain me as such a person . she being thus free with me , i thought good to ask her some more questions , as , how she paid for her diet and lodging ? and from whence she had cloaths ? to this she answered , that for the first half year her diet was paid for by the matrona , who indeed had all the money that was gained by her ; and as for cloaths , she had them first of all lent , or given by her , and since given her by those who had to deal with her : and now , said she , i pay for my own diet , and have all the money that is given me ; and all the profit she hath , is in selling her wine , and other things she vendeth at our collations ; and now and then i suppose she gets half a piece or a piece of a new customer by procuring me . i was somewhat satisfied with this discourse , and the next day i was visited by the old woman ( who brought me first acquainted with our matrona ) who brought me a letter from my amorous gallant ; i remember it was stuffed with complements , and all the happiness he desired , was to see me once more at the play-house . in this affair , i taking advice with our matrona , it was resolved i should return no answer ; but however , within two days , i again went to the play-house , where i was no sooner seated , but i was attended by my gallant , and now i could not decline his company : during the play he treated me with all manner of fruits , and such things as could be purchased there ; and the play being done , he offered me a farther treat at some other place ; but i refused that , as also any further converse with him ; and again ( calling for a coach ) i went home , refusing his company , and being very shie and coy to all his proposals , which though many , yet prevailed not at all upon me . the next day i had another letter sent me , as also a diamond-ring of twenty pound price as a present : i accepted of both , and then promised within two days to meet him again at the play-house , where my gallant came richly accoutred in all his bravery , i then entertained discourse with him , and the play being ended , i at his earnest opportunity accepted of a trea● he quickly provided for me at the next tavern . i then told him , that i durst not stay , for i expected my unckle to come and visit me that evening at my lodging , who was to bring me news out of the country about my father : he being desirous to please me , consented to my departure , i promising to give him another meeting at a place we appointed the next day , and thus we again parted . i was now so far engaged with him , that i the next day again met him , and he then courted me for enjoyment ; but i seeming very angry , he to pacifie me , gave me a gold watch , and then i permitted him to embrace and kiss me ; and though i contradicted his proceeding further with me yet he found by me , that in time he might arrive to it . in this apprehension he was very prodigal in his promises , and what great things he would do , if i would permit him so great a happiness ; he oftentimes wishing himself a single-man ( for he was married ) that he might make himself happy in so brave a wife , as he knew i would be . these discourses , and others which he used , and those many strict embraces which he gave me with the tittilations of the flesh , and i had much ado to continue inexorable : but remembering how i had been deceived formerly , and withall knowing that i had not our matrona's order as yet for fruition , i therefore contradicted my own thoughts and wanton desires , and refused to let him proceed to any other satisfaction than what he could get by kissing and embracing me , and handling my breasts and neck , and so we again parted , i being still attended by my bed-fellow . we were no sooner come home , but she was sent for by our matrona , to whom she gave an account of our actions ; but that was not all her business , for when she returned home , and we were in bed together , she told me she had been at the sport with a brave gallant , with whom she had received great pleasure , for he was newly come to town , and willing enough to have continued the sport longer , but that it was late , and therefore they had referred a continuance of the pleasures to the next day ; and that she had not only pleasure but profit , for he had given her three crowns , and promised to be more beneficial to her during his stay in london . this discourse of hers , the remembrance of what she had been at , and what i might have received if i would , did very much fire me , and i then took up a resolve not much longer to delay those pleasures i had now so long been without ; and thereupon being visited the next day by my servant , ( and having the permission of my matrona so to do ) i entertained him with somewhat more freedom than formerly , and went with him to the house of our matrona , as if a great stranger there ; and now was i doubly courted , not only by him , but her ; so that i permitted him enjoyment , and he so well pleased me , that at his further earnest opportunity , i consented to lie with him all night , where i satisfied him and my self in all those amorous sweets that two willing lovers could receive or give . whilst i was thus occupied at our matrona's house , my bedfellow was not idle ; for she understanding my place would be void , was resolved to have it supplied , and therefore summoned her country gentleman , who very readily attended her , and for that night was so pleased with her company in the night , that he desired it the next day at a frolick at a tavern . she accordingly attended him , where a plentiful dinner was provided , there being four or five gentlemen , and two women besides her self . dinner being ended , and some quantity of wine drank off , they all began to be merry , and therefore a noise of fidlers were call'd , and they all fell to singing and dancing , in which they spent some time ; and the other two women being likewise ladies of the right stamp , they did by turns leave the rest of the company , and retire by couples into a private room , where they had the conveniency of a bed , and thus they spent most part of the day . night drawing on , reckoning was call'd for ; but it being a large one , all the gentlemen were dissatisfied , not being willing to pay so dear for their pleasure , and to have such sour sawce to their sweet meat : the fidlers being paid , they resolv'd to put a trick upon the vintner for his reckoning . the fidlers now playing their last lesson , the gentlemen one after another made their several exits , leaving the three women to pay the score ; who for some time waited the return of the gentlemen with money , but in vain . the master of the house understanding how he was likely to be serv'd , came up to the women , and gave them such a lesson as made them sing lachrimae : they made many apologies and excuses , but in vain , money or a sufficient pawn he would have before they went. they considering the neceessity of the business , resolved to leave some of their rings and such like moveables for their enlargement . agreeing on the manner , they were now considering the matter , what , and how much should be left , when two or three men entred the room , and bluntly asked for the women , naming them by their several names . not only they , but the master of the house was of opinion , that they were come with mony to redeem them ; but their errand prov'd not so pleasant to the vintner : for these men declar'd themselves to be bayliffs , and their business was to arrest the three women at several actions , and to that end produced their warrant . the women were much troubled , and began to exclaim that they owed no such sums ; but the officers who were not to be baffled , told them they were their prisoners , and must along with them . the vintner now put in , and demanded satisfaction , and would have the women leave some pawn for the reckoning ; but the officers told them , that they had best keep what they had for they might have occasion for it upon the account of the arrest ; and for the reckoning , the vintner must take his course at law ; the vintner for some time opposed the officers , and said he would be paid first , and although a constable was sent for , yet to no purpose , for the warrant being produc'd , they were permitted to march off with their prisoners ; and a coach being call'd for , they all crowded into it , ordering the coachman to drive towards the goal . the women used many arguments to the bayliffs , who now having done their business , seemed only at the request of the women , to attend them to a tavern , whither the coachman had orders to drive , and there they were conducted into a room , where instead of bayliffs , and a prison , they had the company of their day companions , who now kindly welcom'd them , and acquainted them of their frolick , and how all this was only designed to cheat the vintner of his reckoning , who had formerly put tricks upon them . all parties being now well pleased , they spent that night in the tavern together , and my companion coming home the next day , acquainted me with this story . chap. xxxvi . in prosecution of her extravagancies , she comes acquainted with a young gentleman , with whom she acts several frollicks , occasioned by seeing playes acted . this continued , mrs. mary was my beginning or entrance into my publick profession , and indeed , i cannot well call it publick , for i was private and reserved , not admitting any more servants but this one in one month ; and indeed , in the first half year , i had but three , but they were so beautiful , that i had wherewithal to satisfie my self in every thing : having in jewels and other presents , to the value of l. neither had i any thing to pay for diet or lodging , the charge of that being alwayes born by our matrona who i found had gained above l. in money for procuration , and assistance in winning me ; besides , a great deal more money spent at her house in collations and entertainments for me , which were very frequent and costly . the trade for maiden-heads falling , the price being so great , i was forced to fight under another banner , and though i did not pass for a maid , yet i was accounted in the next degree , for i passed as the mistress , or lady of pleasure of a person of quality , who kept me as a great rarity for his own diet ; and indeed i did not deceive my first customers upon that account ; for whereas i went under the notion of belonging to one person , i did belong to but three : and i was forced to play my game pretty cunningly to please them , and not give them suspition of one another , for they being all introduced into my acquaintance by our matrona , or some of her agents , she did help to mannage my affairs ; and when she knew i was to accompany or lie with one of my sweet-hearts , she would tell the other , ( if he or they desired the same , that it could not be for the present , for either i was waiting upon my uncle , or some other relation , or otherwise employed , that i must be excused at the present : but against such a time she would endeavour to procure me to accompany them ; and this was her tale or mine , when more than one importun'd me with their visits , and by this means did we both gain the money , and i , rings , neck-laces , watches , and new gowns , and sometimes gold to spend or play away ; but in time these three growing somewhat weary , or tyred both in their bodies and purses , but especially in the last , they by degrees left me , seldom visiting me , and when they did , they would desire their pleasure on free cost , although i could not be so ungrateful as to deny them that which cost me nothing , and which i had equal pleasure in , yet i saw it was time to look out for other better customers ; and therefore as i told you , i passed as the mistress of a person of quality , and was sent for to our madonas house , whether i would pretend i had stollen out , but durst not stay , least my amorous master should return and want me : several persons i enjoyed at this rate , and much ready money was coming to me ; for they with whom i had to do , understanding i was a professed lady of pleasure , knew well enough that i would not be contented to pleasure them without a reward ; and therefore they gave me money . but now the case was somewhat altered , and i must now pay for my diet , for our madona has , as i told you , a certain custome or rule which she walked by , which was this , that at the first she paid for diet and lodging as long as the maiden-head customers lasted , for all that time she took the mony , and the woman the presents , very little mony coming to their hands ; and indeed it was not by our rules thought honourable or convenient , that a price in money should be given on that account to the party her self ; but when they came under the notion of a lady of pleasure , and virginity was gone , then it was accounted reasonable , and indeed necessary , that the party her self should receive money for her better support , and then she must be at the cost of her own diet ; and this was my cause : and my companion and bed●ellow , who had bin in this condition for some time , and had passed , as i now did , for a private lady , a merchants wife , and several other titles and qualities , was now grown so common , and her face was so well known to all our madona 's own house , and there serve in common for all gentlemen customers that come . thus as i was removed one step lower then i was , so was she , and it was not long ere i had a pretty young thing brought to be my companion : and though her virginity had been parted with above a twelve month before , ( as she confessed to me ) yet she was to succeed me in my place , and act the part of a virgin as i had done . i now began to bethink my self of what i had bin , and what more i was to be , and run through : i found that i was already at the second degree , and that in short time , i must follow my late companion to the third , and be forced to go home to our madona 's house , and there prostitute my self to every drunken fellow that brought money in his hand ; to be slabbered , tumbled and tossed as he pleased : this i say went against my stomack , and i was much troubled at it ; nay , i saw that some who had bin in as high a place and degree as my self , were in bad condition enough ; for there was one who was my late companions bedfellow before i came , and was at that time called into the house to make room for me , this woman being very frollick , and withall negligent of our madona 's commands ; which were to sweat , bath , and purge , and use other remedies to drive away all distempers ; she i say being negligent and wanton , and keeping an open stable for all horses , gave entertainment to a running nag , which so paid her , that she was soundly pepper'd , not with a horse-pox , but as bad , or a worse disease , which stuck to her so soundly , that notwithstanding our madona 's diligence , she was fain to go under the surgeons hands . nay , and those that did escape this , were in time put to bad offices , as to attend the rest , and when their money was gone , they served the grooms and skip-kennels that attended their masters to our house . these considerations , i say , made me think of a remedy to take in time ; and therefore i was resolved to order my matters so , as never to come to our madona 's house , but provide for my self before it should come to that point ; and therefore i purposed to accept of the offers of the next best customer that came , that would take me from the condition i was in , and to provide for me ; for it was a usual thing , that we had many offers by several persons to take us away ; and keep and maintain us privately . i had now every day more variety of servants then formerly ; for now i had done trafficking for my maiden-head , i was more free and open , and to be courted and treated at a cheaper rate ; and now i was at my own dispose , whereas before i was still watched by our madona , or my companion , who had it in charge from her , to give an account of all my actions ; and the same charge had i given me over my new-come bedfellow . all that was expected from me , was always to be ready at my lodging , to come when sent for ; but i had this in general , and so had all the rest of our companions , not to permit any man to exceed kissing and feeling , till or bottles of wine were first drank . these , and many other maxims we were instructed in , which i shall omit , and only give you an account of two or three frollicks i was a party in whilst i professed this quality , and so conclude . among other servants or sweet-hearts that i had , who were my constant customers , i had one , a young country gentleman ; who , being heir of a good estate , was brought up to london , and placed in one of the inns of court ; but instead of studying law , he applyed himself to a more soft and effeminate study : the art of love and courtship ; he had read ovid's arte amandi , at home in the country , and could repeat many lines out of it ; and he had read some other pieces of poetry ; but his fancy was not drawn to the height , till he had not only read some comedies , but also seen them acted ; and then he was so taken with them , that he spent his time commonly every afternoon , in seeing one acted : he being a guest at our house , ( being introduced thither by one of our hectors ) and his pockets being very well lined with crown pieces , our matrona thought me a fit mistriss for him ; and he being a handsome young fellow , i willingly accepted him for my servant : he being as i told you , well skilled in ovids art of love , would often make use of several of his expressions , to perswade me to his imbraces . though he needed not use these arguments to induce me to permit him to enjoy me ; yet i was well enough pleased to hear his poetry ; and i being no novice in the school of love , did withstand him , knowing that the mind is most eagerly bent on that which is forbidden ; and therefore , like a torrent , it overflows , and becomes more impetuous by opposition ; and i had read so much poetry as to remember that , she that is willing to love me , to her unwilling will i be and , proffer'd pleasures i defy , give me her that doth deny . he making use of his poetry , made me think of mine ; and therefore i was the more coy to him ; but still held him in hand , and gave him certain hopes of an absolute enjoyment : this his vain of poetry was not only pleasant to me , but profitable ; and he fell into one of the finest humors that i have heard of : for i attending him to the play-houses very frequently , we one day saw a play called philaster , or , love lyes a bleeding : the play being done , we went to a tavern , and there he highly commended th●●ction , but above all things , the womens parts : he was very much pleased with arethusa's constancy and love to philaster : but that which tickled him most was megera's acceptance of pharamon's court-ship ; for though she were a great court-lady , yet she accepted his gold which he presented her , and was so kind as to attend his pleasure in his lodging . now said he to me , though i have tendred you my service , and am willing to make you a present of all i have , yet i cannot induce you to be so kind to me . i now hearing him at this point , was resolved to accept him and his present , ( for , though he had been some days in my company , yet he had bestowed nothing considerable upon me ) therefore i told him that it was true , the lady megera did accommodate prince pharamond ; but he did first present her with somewhat that was considerable , to induce her to it ; and though i had a very great respect for his love , yet there was some what more then love to be tendred , as he might now very well understand by this late passage . my yonker ( who i suppose , had never tasted woman , but with his mothers chamber maids , or some such creatures , knew not what belonged to women of my profession ) being now awakened , as it were , out of a dead sleep ; quickly drew pieces of gold out of his pocket , and made a present of them : you may be sure i was not coy nor cautious in receiving them , but quickly put them up ; and , for the present , thanks was all i returned , delaying him in his desires , till we came to our madona 's quarters ; where we had a plentiful supper : and i having now acquainted her how i had dealt with my young man ; it was thought reasonable that he should have a nights lodging for his money ; neither did i refuse it , but agreed to all he asked me , and i so well pleased him , that i perswaded him out of a diamond ring worth l. more . i am the more particular in my relation of my acquaintance with him : and the means of our closing , by seeing a play , because of the advantage i gained on him afterwards by the same occasion : for the next day we again going to see a play , it happened , that it was the siege of rhodes , and then he was as much taken with roxolana , as he had formerly been with arethusa , and highly commended that part : i perceiving his fancy , tol● him , that i supposed he would be very glad to imbrace roxolana in his arms ; yes , said he , that i would , though it were at the expence of l. well said i , give me the money , and i will so order the matter , that you shall receive that satisfaction ; nay , said he , but i doubt you will be offended thereat , no said i , it will be as much to my content , as yours . he hearing this , without any difficulty , agreed to give me l. which was sent me that evening , i told him the next day , that in one weeks time , he should receive the content he expected , and to heighten his expectation : i refused to let him lye with me in the mean time . in this weeks time i so ordered the matter , that i got a taylor , and other persons who were used to make the habits for the players , to make me a habit in all things like to that of roxolona ; this being done , i acquainted my young gentleman , and told him that for his better satisfaction , he should see the so famed princess at our quarters , where he might have more freedom then at any other place ; he was herewith very well contented ; he habiting himself in the richest garbs he had , and a colation was provided to treat his expected mistris ; all things being thus fitted on his part , i put on the provided habit ; and instead of his expected roxolona , i entred the room where he was , attended by two or three , who bore up my train , and had set my self out with so many jewels , both good , and counterfeit : and was indeed in all things so like the roxolana he had seen , that he doubted not but i was the very same , and was much surprised at the matter : and although my face was as lovely as hers , yet i had added somewhat thereto to appear more beautiful . our matrona seeing him somewhat amazed , went to him , and rouzing him up , asked him , why he did not salute me ; for said she , though her habit is not english , yet you see she is of this country , and will admit of the ordinary salutes . he being now quickned u● , approached me , and gave me the ordinary salutation● , which i accepted , and at his request i sate down by him . well said our matrona , hath not mrs. mary per●ormed her promise with you . yes , said he , to admi●ation : and if before i desired this ladies company at the first view , i am much more pleased than i expected ; and as i have a very great esteem for this lady ▪ and intend to continue it , yet that shall be no prejudice to mrs. mary , whose great love and kindness to me in this particular action , i shall always remember , and largely requite ; well sir , said i , what love you bestow on her , shall be very acceptable to me , and i shall indeavour to retalliat the same . my young man had not till now heard me speak , and though he did , he could not distinguish me by my voice , so great a difference was there in my habit , from my ordinary dress , that he did not so much as suspect it , but , hearing me speak with so much affection for mrs. mary , ha ! replyed he , that since i was so much a friend to her , he was the better satisfied in what he had desired ; and he wanted nothing to content him so much , as her presence . well , said our matrona , if that be all , you may have that satisfaction quickly : nay , and you have it already ; for she is in this room : he hearing her , looked earnestly about ; and though he gazed much in my face , yet he could not discover me ; but my greatest business being now done , our matrona could no longer forbear , but fell into a very great fit of laughter , and so did the rest of the company ; neither did this make him sensible of the matter , till our madona , taking him by the hand , caused him to take me by mine ; and told him , that if he desired mrs. marys company there , he had it ; for she was the same party with that lady , and had only put on that habit , to give him the content and satisfaction he desired . although at first he could not credit what she said , yet looking again earnestly upon me , he discovered the matter ; and then he said , ah madam , i did not imagine that you could be guilty of so pleasing a fallacy ; but i am very well satisfied therein , and am now more glad that you have found out this way to please me , than if i enjoyed the very party her self . to this i answered , that i hoped i should as well satisfie his ●●sire in enjoying that princess whom i represented , as if he had in his company the same person who acted that part at the theatre ; for , said i , it is only her habit that makes her appear so like a princess ; and i , being now in the same dress , may as well pass as she ; and as for face and other parts , i shall not give her any preheminence , neither i hope will you , if you look on me with an impartial eye . my friend was very well satisfied in what i had done and said , and now coming more near to me , we fell to our collation with much freedom . i was attended by ●everal whom i had appointed to that purpose , and demeaned my self so majestically , that as they told me , i might very well pass for the very person whom i did represent ; and my gentleman was so extreamly well pleased , that i thought he would have lost his eyes in gazing at me . our collation being ended , i and my attendants danced , and spent much time in such kind of divertisements ; but i saw that my friend was impatient till bed-time came , that he might have me his beloved princess in his arms : we were waited on with all manner of state , and had musick attending us , not only at the time we were up , but also when we were in bed : they being placed in the chamber adjoyning to our lodgings , where they played for two hours space after we were retired . the strength of imagination was much , for as my bedfellow imagined that he had a princess in his arms , so i conceited my self to be little less , great was the pleasure i received from , and gave to my bedfellow , for we were both in the flower of our age , he being about twenty , and i eighteen , we had both equal desires , and thought of nothing but pleasure : we banished all other passions , to make way for that of love , according to the poet. fair venus never goes to bed , to those that are with sorrows fed . chap. xxxvii . her friend being forced from her by his friends , she meeting with one of her old acquaintance , falls again to trading for her self , till in the end , she meets with the drugster , who kept her for his private use . although i was well enough pleased with my nights lodging , and so was my bedfellow : yet as the longest day , so will the longest night have an end ; and as no pleasure is lasting , neither would ours continue , for the morning being come , we were again called up by musick , but being glutted with that , we ordered them to retire , and i first arose out of our bed , and going to dress me in my ordinary habit , my bedfellow did forbid it , and intreated me to give him the satisfaction and delight to see me again in my turkish dress . he having pleased me so well , i was contented to pleasure him , in a request that was so indifferent ; and therefore dressed my self accordingly . he was so well pleased with me in every thing , that taking me in his arms , i remember he sighed , and i demanding the reason of that passion , he told me , it was out of the extremity of the love he bore me , and which he desired above all things to continue ; indeed i liked him so well , that i could have been well enough contented to have been his wife , and have left all the world for him , for he was of so easie a pliant nature , that i could have wrought him to any thing : and therefore being desirous to make use of that opportunity , i desired him not to be melancholy , for all that i could serve him in , i should readily do : he finding me so free with him , told me , if that i would wait the death of his mother , he would make me his wife , and in the mean time would entertain me , and provide for me wholly as if i were so : but he durst not marry me till his mother was dead , she having a great power over his estate , his father who was lately dead , so ordered it ; and beside , he was not as yet of age to demand it . i being desirous to close with him , ( not only out of a desire . i had to leave that course of life i then led , but also out of pure love i bore him ) soon agreed to be wholly disposed by him , and desired him therefo●e to be constant in his affection ; and take some time to consider how to dispose of me , and i should readily consent to it , for he knew as well as i , that it would not at all be convenient for me to remain where i was . this was our discourse , and then we went from our chamber into another room , where we were expected by our matrona , and some others of my companions , the next day also we spent in ●rolicking and mirth ▪ but the whole charge of it , was not bo●n by my friend , for several of our matrona's friends and clients did participate in the cost , as w●ll as the mirth , which was very high , and lasted all the day and night , and then tyred , though not satisfied with su●h delights as bacchus and venus could afford : we ( having imitated the empress messalina in our debauchery ; of whom the poet saith , the impereal stumpet , with one maid , stole out in her night hoods , and having cast about her black hair , a red perriwig she got , into the stewes — there many thirsted for encounters tryed , departed tyr'd with men , not satisfied . this frolick being at an end , i and my friend began to be serious , and in short time after , he provided me a private lodging , and i making up my pack of cloaths , jewels , and money which i had gained , and which was considerable ; left our madona , and now retired my self , and resolved to be very honest , and absolutely constant to my friend , who continued his love to me in a very great measure . but at length , all the monies that he brought to town with him , and all else that he could get or procure , was spent ; ( for he had not spared any thing i desired to content me , ) and which was worse , his mother came to town to visit him , and upon examination , he could give little account how he had spent his time and monyes ; wherefore it being concluded , that ill company was the cause , his mother laid out very diligently to discover what company he kept : though he abstained from coming ●o often to me , as formerly . yet , he either sent , or came to me every day , that he might not be absolutely out of favor with his mother , i furnished him with what ready mony i had , and he in requital , promised me a continuance of his love , and a retalliation of my kindness , and which was more than all , he engaged to marry me , ( notwithstanding all the oppositions his mother or friends could make ) if i would stay till he was of age , and had his estate in his hands ; i had this promise from him , not onely by word of mouth , but also by writing ; but all these promises were quickly vacuated and void ; for his mother by her extraordinary diligence , found out his haunts , and discovered his coming to me : and followed the tract of my actions and life : that she found from whence i came , and who i was ; and then soon concluded , that i had been the chief occasion of his mispending his time and moneys ; and now she mustred up all her wits , to prevent his ruine , which she supposed would be inevitable , if he continued any longer a correspondency with me . to this end she called her son before her , and examined him in the presence of all those of his relations and friends which were then in town . she laid the business so plain and home to him , that he could not deny the matter , but somewhat of the manner he did ; for whereas she reported me an absolute prostitute , he alledged me virtuous and modest , as indeed well he might , ( for i had ere since my first acquaintance with him , been constant to him ) but it being proved from whence i came , and how immodest i had lived , it was a sufficient argument to make out what i was , and that i could not be a fit wife for him : she was a very discreet woman , and one who had known the world , and i suppose was well enough acquainted with that saying of the poet. if modesty and women once do sever , farewel their name , farewel their fame for ever . and therefore it being evident enough what i had been , she from thence concluded what i would be : in fine , she so scooled her son , and ordered the matter , that he was contented to relinquish my company ; and because she would be sure he should do so , she never left till she had got him in the mind to travel , and so putting him in an equipage befitting his quality , she sent him for france . thus , when i thought my self near the greatest happiness i ever yet arrived to , ( which i earnestly hoped , and expected by being married to this young gentleman ) was i stripped of all joy and comfort , in his suddain and absolute departure from me ; his mother and freinds , were so strict with him , that they would not permit him to take his farewel of me ; i only received a short letter from him , wherein , he complained of his ill fortune , in being thus forced from me : but more especially at the manner of it ; for he had not the opportunity , nor power to be civil to me , in reimbursing me with the moneys i had lately furnished him with ; for his mother gave him more ready moneys , then he should have present occasion for ; promising him , to supply him with more by bills of exchange , when he should arrive at the place he was designed for ; and then he promised that i should hear further from him . this was the substance of his letter ; and indeed i could not well complain of him : for what moneys he had lately received of me , had formerly been his own ; but i was now reduced to a very low condition : having no ready money , so that i was forced to sell some of my jewels ; and for a while supplyed my occasions with the moneys they yeil●ed me ; i living a very solitary , and retired life , and all my pleasure was in reading plays , and romance : in which i spent much time , and took great delight ; i wai●●d long in expectation of letters from my friend , according to his promise ; but whether he sent , and they were intercepted , or how ; or whether he ●orgot me , or 〈◊〉 , i know not ; for i never after that heard of him . being weary with this soli●ary life ; and finding no effects of my friends pro●i●● to send to me ; i began to consider what course i was to take ; i was very unwilling to visit my old matrona again ; but one day ▪ i was met by one of my old ●weet-hearts : one of those whom i had known in her h●use ; but i saw by his habit , and afterw●rd● by the strength of his pocket , that he was but in a low condition , and was more ready to receive , than give , he ●astned on me for old acquaintance sake , i was forced to drink with him ; but he ingeniously told me , that hector was not in the field , he had no money in his pocket ; wherefore i ( though money was not very flush with me , as having had a long time of vacation : ) not only paid our reckoning , but at his entreaty , double hors'd him , by lending him , ( or i may rather say , giving him ) two half crowns . this put him in stock and heart , and he gratefully acknowledged my civility , telling me , he would requite it , and talking of thousands he was to receive . he was very earnest to know my lodging , but i concealed that place from him , and , as i thought , parted from him warily enough , and went many ways about before i went home , bu● he dog'd me , and seeing me hous'd , waited , lest that might not be the place ; but after a sufficient stay , he was better satisfied ; for i came no more out , and so he went to his quarters . this my old acquaintance , as he had formerly been bit , and had others lived upon him , so now he only lived upon others ; and though it was not above a tw● new month since he was a great gallant , and spent very highly with me , yet he had made hast and consumed above l. he was young enough , and as wanton and desirous as ever of my company ; but he knew very well i would not consent , unless there were money in the case ; he being destitute of that necessary commmodity , therefore sought out for one who was better suppl●ed with it ; he needed not to look long , neither did he , till he found one , who was now , as not long since he had been , better stor'd with money than wit , and as desirous of pleasure , being willing to have it at any rate ; him he tells of a rare purchase , a lady whom he had the happiness to be acquainted with , that was rarely handsome , of an excellent good nature , and he questioned not but she might be flexible . the monyed gallant did not ask many questions , but desired by all means to see this celebrated beauty ; for he doubted not but she must needs be handsome , whom the other so cried up for beautiful . my old acquaintance was as willing as he to attend him to this lady , which was my self ; and therefore to me they came , and believing that confidence was the best way of speaking with me ; he boldly asked to see and speak with me ; pretending great business , not so much as questioning whither i lived there or no. the people of the house believing him one of my intimate acquaintance , directly brought him and his friend up into my chamber . i was somewhat surpriz'd at the sight of him ; but after the first salutes , he took me to one side , and privately told me all his design ; and that this party whom he had brought , was a very well-monied man , and much might be squeez'd out of him . altho●●● 〈◊〉 was not yet resolved to fall to my old trade , yet ●ow he was come , i knew not how to put him off , wherefore i indifferently entertained him , and i may very well say indifferently , because i was yet cold in my desires , and had very little appetite , however some bottles of wine being sent for , we drank them off : and my young gentleman being warm in his gears , began to talk a little boldly , but it was to no purpose , for i forbid all actions , and at that time he only purchased a kiss , but ( that i may draw to a period to my discourse ) i did not long continue so cold to him , for he bringing meat in his mouth , good store of gold in his pocket , which he willingly and freely gave me , i permitted him to take all the pleasure he could receive by me . thus did i renue my old trade , and my old friend , who had brought this new acquaintance , finding some benefit and profit in the case ; for he had money of his acquaintance , whom he had brought , as also of me , neither could i at convenient times deny him the pleasure he had formerly tasted with me ; he , i say , having both pleasure & profit , turned broker for me , and brought me several merchants , who traffiqued with me for pleasure , which i commonly afforded them a good pennyworth , though sometimes a dear one , for i would not deal with every ordinary fellow , and therefore was paid the better , by those who were my customers . but let me do what i could , i saved little or nothing at the months end , ( years i will not say , because i was weary of this trade in six months time : ) for i now had not only my self , but this my old acquaintance , and new broker to provide for ; for he finding that most of my profit came in by those he brought me , would be very bold in demanding a share with me : and his expences were so high , which he pretended , was only to bring me of the better sort of customers , that i was now poorer than ever , and he now became so impudent , that he would not only command my money , but my rings , and other jewels , which he would sell or pawn as he lifted ; and indeed , it is the fortune or misfortune of all those of our quality , to be troubled with some such fellows , hangers on as we call them , or else we should or might in little time gain sufficient estates ; but as i say , commonly what we get one way , these followers spend the other , so that at length , all that we are likely to purchase , if we have not a great care , is onely a disease , which may stick long enough by us . i being fearful of this , for my friend or hector , i may call him both , was now grown so intemperate , that he kept all companies : and if i refused him money , or a nights lodging , he would go to any other common woman , the first he met withal , and so afterwards comming to me , i might be spoiled ; to prevent this , i privately left my lodging , and hearing of two of my own sex and quality , that were going a progress into the country to take a frollick , i made the third , and had a man as well as they to attend me ; and as i expected , to bear my charges ; but we all reckoned without our host , for we were basely trappand by those who went with us , and left in pawn for a reckoning that was considerable ; we were in a strange place many miles from london , and much distressed , but at length a resolution was taken , that one of us should go to london , and fetch money to redeem the rest , it fell to the lot of one of my companions , who being on her journey , had the good luck to meet with honest gregory , our now companion , and he , very liberally relieved us , by sending money to us , whereby we had the freedom to come to our companion , and him , who attended us . she being come to this part of her relation , i told her , that i heard it already by gregory , who among other passages of his life , acquainted me with that . well then , replied she , if you know that account , i have little more to acquaint you with , for not long after my arrival at london , i fortunately met with my honest friend the drugster , and he liking me for a mistress , and i him for a servant or master , which you please , agreed to obey his pleasures , he providing for me , which he hath hitherto done in a very plenti●ul manner : and i on the other side have bin as constant and obedient to him . chap. xxxviii . mistress mary having finished , mistress dorothy begins her story , wherein she relates , that having left her friends in the country , she comes up to london , and entring her self into service , lies with three several men , by whom she was got with child , and so orders the matter , that all three pay well for it . i had given very great attention to mrs. maries story , and mrs. dorothy , ( who , with me , had been the only auditor ) told her , that she had received a great deal of satisfaction ; for , said she , though i have formerly heard many of your particular actions , yet i never received a perfect account till now . nay , said mrs. mary , this account is far from being perfect , and is only such passages as i could at present call to mind ; but indeed they are the most remarkable , and by them you may guess at the rest . i was very well pleased with what i had heard , and being likewise desirous to be acquainted with the adventures of mrs. dorothy , requested her to relate them to me , which she did as followeth . old friend , said she to me , you have great occasion to love and respect me , for the great love i have born to you and your memory ; for after your departure ●rom my fathers house , i was very much afflicted for your absence , and i did believe that you intended marriage to me , as you protested ; and though my father and mother had often doubted of the reality of your intentions , especially , after you had so unworthily left me , yet i still perswaded them that you would return . you know well enough , that my father was not ignorant of our privacy , he having surprized us in the manner , and you then promised to make me amends by marriage ; but all the satisfaction i received , was a copy of verses , and pieces of gold : in the one you expressed your wit , in the other your generosity , for i very well knew that you might have omitted both , and not have sent either ; but i suppose , you were more skillful than i , and knew that i was with child by you , and therefore sent that mony to defray the charge i should be at on that occasion . this piece of civility of yours did put me into good hopes that you would return ; and i accordingly perswaded my father , and mother ; but time convinced me of my error : and also made it more apparent that i had been sporting with you ; for my belly swelled so , that my mother soon resolved me that i was with child by you . i was very melancholly upon this occasion , but my mother indeavoured to comfort me ( for i being her only child ) she had a great deal of love for me ; and knowing what was pass'd could not be helped , she took order to conceal and keep the knowledge of my misfortune from being publiquely known and discoursed of ; wherefore i , at her desire and directions , kept within doors , pretending a sickness , which indeed was not wholly counterfeit , in regard i much grieved for your absence . in this condition i spent my time , till the time of my deliverance from child-bearing came , and then i was brought to bed of a boy , which was no soooner born , but it was taken and carried from me , to a town three miles off , to be nursed by a woman , whom my mother had for that purpose provided ; and this was done to conceal the shame that i should or might sustain , if it were known that i had a child , without knowing who , or at least , where was the father . so soon as a month was expired , i went to see the child , the sight of which put me too much in mind of the father ; and i was then again sensibly afflicted at his absence , methoughts in that infancy there was so much resemblance of my beloved deceiver , that i kis'd the infant not only for its own , but for the fathers sake . i then returned home agen , and now after so long a time of retirement , i began to recover , not only my strength , but some additions to my beauty ; so that i having had or suiters , when a maid , who had forborn visiting me by occasion of my ilness , they now agen renew their suits ; but if i had some dislike for them before ; now i could not endure them in my company , they were such absolute hobbinolls . though i was was not satisfied in their frequent visits , yet my father and mother press'd me , not only to accept them , but also their suit , and make choice of one of them for a husband , alledging , that you would never return ; and it would be not only safe , but necessary in time to bestow my self . this discourse did much disturb me , and i was so often troubled with my suiters , and disturbed and vexed by my father and mothers importunity , that i resolved to quit both , by leaving them , and therefore purposed to go to london , that i might not be troubled with the importunity of my father and mother ; nor the troublesome visits of my sweet-hearts . in persuance of this resolve , i fitted my self with all necessaries ; and that i might not wholly distract my parents by my thus leaving them , i writ a letter of excuse , and left it for them ; and so walking to the next great town , attended the coming by of the passage coach , and in that got me a place to ride to london . i continued for some time in the inne where the coachman set me down , and the rest of his passengers ; but knowing it would be impossible for me to continue long there , i gained acquaintance with the maid of the house , and told my tale to her as well as i thought convenient . she understanding that i was willing to serve , and wanted a place ; and i acquainting her with my abilities , as that i could sew , wash , and starch , and do most necessary things required of a servant , she soon procured me a place in a house that entertained many lodgers . i spent a quarter of a years time very privately and honestly in this service ; but then , our house being full of lodgers , one of them cast a wanton eye on me , and being well pleased with my face , began to court me very familiarly ; although at first i opposed him and gave him nothing but slights and denials , yet he so managed his business by presents which he gave me , and making use of all other opportunities that he gained his will of me , and i again entred the lists of a loving combate . he took many opportunities for enjoyment , not only in the day time , but sometimes we spent whole nights in our amorous sports ; and though my mr. and mrs. did not discover any thing of the matter , yet another gentleman , who was also a lodger , and lay in the next chamber to my friends , watching me , found out my haunt ; and therefore , he ( being as amorous as the other ) was desirous of sport , became a suiter to me upon the same account . i absolutely deny'd him , for i thought it was enough to have to do with one man , and was resolved to venture my self no further ; but he taking the opportunity of the others absence , first treated me with wine , then presented me with a ring ; but all this would not do , till he in plain terms told me , that he knew very well i was not so hard hearted to every one ; for were mr. such a one , nameing my friend , there , i would not deny him the courtesie : i at first made strange of this story , and deny'd it , but he falling into plain terms with me , and telling me that he had watched me such a night , when i lay with him , i could not then deny it , neither did i long deny or refuse him what he desired ; so that he likewise took his pleasure with me ; and having obtained his desire at that time , he made bold with me so often as he lifted , when the other was out of the way . i had now two bedfellows , so that i could seldom lie alone , one of them would still bespeak me ; but the first of them did not know of the second , though he knew very well of the other : though i had sport enough with these two , yet it was not long ere a third man likewise put in for a share with them , and that was my masters brother , he was a very pretty young man , and one whom i could well enough love for a husband ; but he looked a little higher than to marry a servant maid : but as a mistress he courted me . many attempts he made in vain , but time that bringeth every thing to pass , made me flexible , and i likewise gave him possession of the thing he desired ; he took much pleasure in my company , and very respectful he was to me , often presenting me with linnen and laces , and sometimes a crown or an angel came from his pocket , as well a● from the other two , who well fed me with mony , which i still pocketed up ; but as i got money , so again i got somewhat else , a great belly , and which was the worst of my three friends , i knew not which was the father , but if i am not mistaken , i believe it was my masters brother . but i was resolved the other two should help to father it , or else pay for it ; and therefore i soon told them all three , as they had occasion to deal with me , in what condition i was . my first and oldest friend was most troubled at it , being , as he thought , the most concerned , because he knew not of any else that had to do with me ; he was somewhat startled at it , lest , as he said , his wife should come to know it ; for , he was a married man : and although his wife came sometimes to town , and would lie with him , yet he would sometimes before he went to bed to her , take his opportunity to have his pleasure with me : he , i say , was troubled at the news , but that did not hinder us in our purposed nights lodging , only in the intervals we considered what course to take ; at length it was resolved , that he would provide for me , the time of my lying inn , and afterwards for the child ; and in earnest of the charge , he soon gave me twenty pound to provide me necessaries . i having now done with my first customer , was resolved to get something of my second : but he still gave me the hearing , presuming on his knowledge of my having to do with the first : so that he would not on this occasion advance any thing , intending to shirk off , because no body knew what trade we did drive together . i perceiving his intention , was resolved to be even with him , and it may be out-wit him ; and that he might not distrust me , i seemed no ways dissatisfied , but gave him as much freedom with me as ever ; but to carry on my design , i thought good to break the business to my masters brother , wherefore i likewise acquainted him with my condition , and told him in plain terms , that i was with child by him : he could not deny the fact , nor make any excuse ; not knowing any thing of my dealings with the other two : but he was likewise very much surprised , but i doubting he might put me off , i took the opportunity of telling him this news , when we were in bed together , knowing there i should have time , and conveniency to discourse it . he knew not what to say , and indeed was very cold with me , and i was forced to help him out , for he was then a suiter to a young gentlewoman , and was fearful that this business would hinder his fortunes : and though he lov'd me well enough , yet he was unwilling to marry me ; for that would prove so disadvantagious to him : he supposing that nothing but marriage would content me , was much troubled , and could not tell what answer to give : wherefore i was forced to break silence , and told him , that as i loved him , so i would shew him sufficient proofs of it , for i would not that my love should ruine him , as i knew it would , if the world should know what had passed between us ; and though nothing could satisfie me but marriage , yet i could be content to wave that , and propo●e somewhat else of satisfaction : nay then , said he , if you will be so kind to me , propose your own terms , and take them : i hearing him thus generous , it was not long before we concluded upon terms , which were these , that he would give me twenty pound down to bear my charges in the time of my lying-inn , and if the child lived , he would give fifty pound more to any person whom i would appoint to take the child , and provide for it ; these terms i was well enough satisfied with , only i considering that he would hear of my lying with the other , because i intended to discover that to him , and have his assistance therein , and then i doubted he would suspect me , and it may be refuse to pay the fifty pound when due ; therefore i was resolved to have him seal a bond to me , for payment of it : and i urged him to do it out of this consideration , that he was to be married : and though he now loved me well-enough , yet when he had a wife , he would happily slight and forget me , and so refuse or neglect to pay it . he was content to hear my arguments : and though always protested a continuance of his love to me , notwithstanding all the wives in the world ; yet he consented to give me bond according to my desire . thus every thing being agreed on , we again renewed our pleasures , and spent that night , as we had done many before , but morning being come , i arose , and so managed my affairs , that i that day had a bond sealed to me for payment of fifty pound to be paid in six month ; i also within few dayes received of him the l. he had promised me . thus did i order my matters with my first and last cu●tomers , and i gave them their wonted satisfaction of lying with me so often as they pleased ▪ and so i did to the other my middle customer , but do what i could , i could not bring him to any considerable composition ; and though he were the best able , yet he offered me the least , and intended to come off with a trifle ; however i gave him his wonted freedom with me , but purposed ere long to be even with him , as i was . for one night being in bed with my masters brother ; i having very well pleased him , he talked of his little hains in kelder , the boy in my belly , wishing very well to it , not in the least doubting but it was of his own begetting , using many words to that purpose : well sir , said i , it is very true , it is yours , but if i would have been as free with others as i have been with you , it might have had more , if not another father ; and thereupon i proceeded , and told how that i had been often importuned by mr. such a one , his brothers lodger , and my second bedfellow . well replyed ●e , i am the more beholding to you , that you have accepted of me rather than him ; but though i am not at all dissatisfied in what i have done , i wish he had been the father for your sake as well as mine , for you may compel him to marriage , or else get a considerable sum of money from him . as for marriage , said i , i doubt i should hardly draw him to it , but some momes i might get of him , and would yet , if you will consent to it , and assist me therein . to this he answered , that in any thing i should desire , he would not be wanting , and therefore he bid me propound the way , and he would not fail in his assistance : i then told him , that i knew but one way to do it , and in that i must play the disloyal wag with him , to do that which i had no mind : for that matter , said he , you shall have my consent , and i think i guess at your meaning , which is , that you must agree to let him lye with you ; wherefore since it will be so advantagious to you , let him do it ; for i am sure he can do me no great wrong , for notwithstanding what he can do , the child will be all mine , of my own getting . he being so free to it , and agreeing to all things according to my desire , we resolved that i should permit my second sweet-heart to lye with me ; but i should so order the matter , that he should take us in the manner , and then we would agree to act the rest very well . i now having laid my plot very well , and orderly , i appointed my time when i would lye with him , and agreed to leave the chamber door open , that he , rising early the next morning , might ( pretending some business ) enter the chamber , and find us in bed together . our plot being thus laid , and my second sweet-heart desiring it , i promised to come to bed to him about midnight , which i did ; but my masters brother knowing of my design , was resolved to have the first carving of me , and that he should only have a butter'd bun ; and therefore caused me to lye with him all the former part of the night ; but midnight being past , he permitted me to proceed in my adventure . i was expected by my bedfellow , and accordingly entertained ; but i minding the design i was about , awaked early in the morning , and so ordered the matter , that my bedfellow likewise threw of his drowsiness to encounter with me in our nocturnal pastime , which when he had done , i began to discourse him , reasoning the cause with him , and desiring him to resove me what he would do for me in that condition i was , and what provision he would make for me . he gave me indifferent answers , and i grew passionate with him , and on a sudden the chamber door opened , and my masters brother entred the room . i seeing this , left of speaking , and crouded my self close down into the bed , as if pretending to hide my self ; but he coming boldly on , bid my bedfellow good morrow , and asking him a que●tion , came nearer the bed-side , and drawing the curtains , said , what have you a bedfellow ? no said he , 〈◊〉 i ; surely said the other you have , for i am mistaken if i did not hear some other tongue than yours , the other deny●d it , but he knowing well enough what he had to do , soon found out where my petticoats lay : how , said he , surely you have a bedfellow , and that a female one ; the other being thus surprized , knew not what to say : wherefore my mr. b●other proceeding , said , surely i should know these coats , for if i am not mistaken , they are our mai● dorothys . i finding my self discovered , now appeared , and in the first place beg'd his pa●rdon , and that he would not acquaint my master and mistress with it . he seeming very angry , soundly ratled me and my bedfellow , and said he , this is not the first time that you two have lain together , for i have long suspected you , and have watched you . truly sir , said i , it is true , this gentleman hath long knew me , but i pray you make no more words at present , and for modesty sake leave the chamber , and i will anone satisfie you further in every particular . my bedfellow likewise requesting the same , very civilly left us , shutting the door after him . my bedfellow was much surprized at this sudden accident , and i seemed to be so ; and quickly getting on my cloaths , arose and left him , retiring into my own chamber , leaving him to consider of it . i having now done my business , by having a witness of my lying with him , was bold with him , to know what i should do in the case ; for , ( said i ) my masters brother will certainly acquaint my master and mistress with our actions , and then i must leave the house , and whether to go , i know not , nor who will entertain me . he argued that the other , my first sweet-heart , must provide for me ; to this i told him , that i believed he would do somewhat for me , but he had a wife , and could not do what he listed , whereas he on the contrary was a single man , and rich enough ; and he still endeavouring to put me off , and lay all upon the first , i in plain terms told him , that if he continued to say so , i would wholly deny my dealings with the other , and though he should avouch it ▪ yet he would not be believed , he being a party guilty , as could be proved by my masters brother ; and therefore it would be judged by all , that he , and he alone , was the father of the child and would be forced to marry me , or at least provide for me and the child . i having told him my resolution , left him to consider of it , and then my m●sters brother came to him , and he and i together , so ordered the matter , that he gave me l. down , and gave me bond to pay l. more at the birth of the child . this , said mrs. dorothy , was the first of my adventures . and this shall be the last i shall relate to you in this part , referring the prosecution of her● and other adventures , to a third part. finis . by the mayor whereas by neglect of executing the good lawes and statutes against rogues, vagabonds, and sturdy beggars ... city of london (england). this text is an enriched version of the tcp digital transcription a of text r in the english short title catalog (wing l j). textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. the text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with morphadorner. the annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. this text has not been fully proofread approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page image. earlyprint project evanston,il, notre dame, in, st. louis, mo a wing l j estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) by the mayor whereas by neglect of executing the good lawes and statutes against rogues, vagabonds, and sturdy beggars ... city of london (england). broadside. printed by james flesher ..., [london] : [ ] second part of title taken from first two lines of text. "dated the twenty third day of janaury . place and date of publication suggested by wing. reproduction of original in the guildhall, london. eng rogues and vagabonds -- england. london (england) -- history -- th century. a r (wing l j). civilwar no by the mayor whereas by neglect of executing the good lawes and statutes against rogues, vagabonds, and sturdy beggars ... corporation of london c the rate of defects per , words puts this text in the c category of texts with between and defects per , words. - tcp assigned for keying and markup - spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images - elspeth healey sampled and proofread - elspeth healey text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion by the mayor . whereas by neglect of executing the good lawes and statutes against rogues , vagabonds , and sturdy beggers that vermine of this common wealth doth now swarme in and about this city and liberties , disturbing and annoying the inhabitants and passengers , by hanging upon coaches , and clamarous begging at the doores of churches and private houses and in the streets and common wayes ; veguiling the modest , laborious and honest poore , ( the proper objects of charity ) of much releife and almes which otherwise might bee disposed to them by bountifull and well minded people : and by this meanes and their corrupt and prophane communication , doe bring dishonor to god , scandall to religion , and shame to the government of this city : and for as much as it is intended and resolved that for reformation of this living nusance , the said lawes and statutes shall bee hence-forth duely and strictly executed within this city and liberties thereof , and the penaltyes and punishments thereby appointed , imposed and inflicted upon all persons offending against the same : i doe therefore give notice thereof , and in the name of his highnes the lord protector , doe hereby require and command all constables and other officers and persons whatsoever within this city and liberties , to bee diligent and watchfull about their duties herein : for better information whereof and that none may excuse himselfe by pretence of ignorance , i have caused some branches of the said statutes of most common concernment to bee added hereunto , expecting that accordingly every constable doe presently apprehend ( and so continue to doe during his said office ) all such rogues , vagabonds and sturdy beggers as shall bee found in his parish or precinct , or shall bee brought or sent to him by any of his neighbors , and to send to bridewell the place of correction ) such of them as live within this city and liberties , who are there to bee received and dealt withall according to law ; and such as live not within the liberties aforesaid , to whipp and passe away to the place of their dwelling or last aboad . and that all other persons doe apprehend or cause to bee apprehended all such as they shall see or know to resort to their houses to receive or begg any almes , and carry or cause them to bee carried to the next constable , and that in all other things they give that furtherance to this worke as by the law is required . and further i doe hereby require all and every the said constables , to the end their dwellings may bee the better known and more readily found , that they have their staves see or fired at their streete doores , plainly to bee seene by all passengers . and moreover , that on the first wednesday in every moneth at foure of the clocke in the afternoone , they deliver in to the corporation for the poore at weavers hall , a list of the names and firnames of all such rogues and beggers as shall by them respectively bee apprehended , whipped and passed away , with the time when and the place to which they are sent . as they will answere the contrary at their perills . dated the twenty third day of january . to all and every the constables within the city of london and liberties thereof . sadler . every rogue , vagabond , or sturdy begger that shall bee taken begging , vagrant , wandering , or misordering themselves , shall bee apprehended by any constable of the parish where such person shall bee taken , and bee stripped naked from the middle upwards and bee openly whipped , till his or her body bee bloody and shall bee forthwith sent from parish to parish by the said officer , the next streight way to the parish where hee was b●rn , if the same may bee known by the parties confession or otherwise , and if the same bee not known , then to the parish where bee or shee last dwelt , before the same punishment , by the space of one whole yeare , or if it bee not known where hee or shee was borne , or last dwelt , then to the parish to which hee or shee last passed without punishment &c. if any constable bee negligent and doe not his and their best endeavours for the apprehension of such vagabond , rogue , or sturdy begger , and to cause every of them to bee punished and convayed as aforesaid , then the constable in whom such default shall bee , shall loose and forfeit for every such default tenne shillings . . also if any person doe disturbe or let the execution of this law , or make rescusse against any officer or person authourised for the due execution of the premisses , such person offending shall forfeite for every such offence five pounds , and bee bound to the good behaviour . every person or persons shall apprehend or cause to bee apprehended , such rogues , vagabonds and sturdy beggers as hee or they shall see or know to resort to their houses to begg , gather , or receive any almes , and him or them shall carry or cause to bee carried to the next constable , upon paine to forfeit for every default tenne shillings . and if such constable doe not cause the said rogues , vagabonds and sturdy beggers to bee punished and convayed as aforesaid , such constable shall forfeit and loose the summe of twenty shillings for every default . printed by james flesher printer to honourable city of london . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a e- eliz. cap. . eliz. cap. . eliz. cap. lac . cap. . lac . cap. . edinburgh, april . forasmeikle as the provest, bailies, and councel of this burgh being conveened in counsel, finding that this good town hath been, and is greatly abused by strangers, vagabonds, unfree persons, and masterlesse people ... edinburgh (scotland). town council. this text is an enriched version of the tcp digital transcription b of text r in the english short title catalog (wing e b). textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. the text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with morphadorner. the annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. this text has not been fully proofread approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page image. earlyprint project evanston,il, notre dame, in, st. louis, mo b wing e b estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. b ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) edinburgh, april . forasmeikle as the provest, bailies, and councel of this burgh being conveened in counsel, finding that this good town hath been, and is greatly abused by strangers, vagabonds, unfree persons, and masterlesse people ... edinburgh (scotland). town council. sheet ([ ] p.) s.n., [edinburgh : ] title from caption and first lines of text. imprint suggested by wing. headpiece; initial letter. reproduction of the original in the national library of scotland. eng rogues and vagabonds -- legal status, laws, etc. -- scotland -- edinburgh -- early works to . edinburgh (scotland) -- politics and government -- th century -- sources. broadsides -- scotland -- th century. b r (wing e b). civilwar no edinburgh, april . : forasmeikle as the provest, bailies, and councel of this burgh being conveened in counsel, finding that this good edinburgh a this text has no known defects that were recorded as gap elements at the time of transcription. - tcp assigned for keying and markup - spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images - paul schaffner sampled and proofread - paul schaffner text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion edinbvrgh , . april . forsameikle , as the provest , bailies , and counsel of this burgh being conveened in counsel , finding that the good town hath been , and is greatly abused by strangers , vagabonds , unfree persons , and masterlesse people , both men and women , who take up their residence and dwelling within this burgh , and harbours and resets all manner of wicked and ungodly persons , whereby the town is defiled with all kinde of vice , the kirk overburthened with their maintenance , and the monethly contributions and collections appointed for the towns poor , are imployed and consumed upon them . for remedy whereof , it is statute and ordained , that no land-lord or heritour within this burgh , set their houses to such unlawfull persons , nor admit of such tennents to reside therein , nor receive any strangers whatsomever without a famous testimoniall of their honest conversation to bee approven be the magistrat , or kirk session where they remain . and that the late incomers , and strangers who are evidently known to have neither means nor lawfull calling whereby to live , be timeously warned be their land-lords , to remove forth of this burgh , & return to the places of their former residence , whether they be men or women , under such pains and penalties as the magistrat shall think fit to injoyn for their contempt and dissobedience . and ordains thir presents to be published thorow this burgh be touk of drum , and affixed in the publict mercat places , that none pretend ignorance of the same . a proclamation against robbers and vagabounds, &c. scotland. privy council. approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page image. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). b wing s estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. b ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) a proclamation against robbers and vagabounds, &c. scotland. privy council. scotland. sovereign ( - : william ii) sheet ([ ] p.) printed by the heirs and successors of andrew anderson, printer to the kings most excellent majesty, edinburgh : anno dom. . caption title. royal arms at head of text. intentional blank spaces in text. signed: gilb. eliot. cls. sti. concilii. dated: given under our signet at edinburgh the twenty eight day of december, and of our reign the ninth year . reproduction of the original in the national library of scotland. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as <gap>s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng rogues and vagabonds -- scotland -- early works to . brigands and robbers -- scotland -- early works to . broadsides -- scotland -- th century. - tcp assigned for keying and markup - spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images - scott lepisto sampled and proofread - scott lepisto text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion royal blazon or coat of arms w r 〈◊〉 soit qvi mal y 〈…〉 diev 〈◊〉 mon d●oit a proclamation against robbers and vagabounds , &c. william by the grace of god king of great-britain , france and ireland , defender of the faith ; to _____ macers of our privy council , messengers at arms , our sheriffs in that part , conjunctly and severally , specially constitute , greeting ; forasmuchas , it is generally complained , that there be many idle , louse and vagabound persons , who singly by themselves , and in companies , go throw the countrey , and both to burgh and landward , rob or steal from people their goods , do violence to their persons , and extort from them meat , drink and lodging without payment , and commit several other abuses , contrair to the laws and acts of parliament : therefore , we have thought fit to enjoyn and command likeas , we hereby , with the advice of the lords of our privy council , strictly enjoyn , command and charge all sheriffs , lords of regality , baillies of bailliaries , stewarts of stewartries , and their deputs , magistrats of burghs , justices of the peace , and other judges and officers of the law , to put the following laws and acts of parliament in due and vigorous execution ; viz. the seventh act parliament first , james the first , whereby it is statute , that no companies pass in the countrey , and ly on our leidges , or thig or sojourn on them under the pain of assything of the party compleaning ; the act james second , parliament sixth , caput twenty one , whereby it is ordained , that for the away-putting of sorners , overlyers and masterfull beggars , inquisition be made by all judges against them , and they be put in our ward or our irons for their trespasses , as long as they have any goods of their own to live upon , that their ears be nailed to the tron or other tree , and that the same be cut off , and they banished the countrey ; and if thereafter they be found , that they be hanged , act james second , parliament eleventh , caput fourty five , whereby it is statute , that wherever sorners are overtaken , they be delivered to our sheriffs , and that furthwith our justices do law upon them , as upon thieves and robbers , act parliament . caput . ibidem , whereby it is statute , that no man reive another of any manner of goods which they are in possession off , act james the third , parliament tenth , caput seventy eight ratifying the saids acts ; and act james the sixt parliament twelfth , caput on hundred and fourty seventh , whereby it is statute , that all men certifie concerning vagabounds and suspect persons , that they may be apprehended under the pains due to these vagabounds ; and generally , all other laws and acts made against robbing , thieving , sorning , and other abuses of that sort , and for preserving the peace and good order of the kingdom and for the better preserving of the peace and safety of our liedges ; we with advice foresaid , and in pursuance of the foresaids laws , do farder command and charge all sheriffs , magistrats , and other officers above named , that they cause special notice to be taken of all idle and vagabound persons , either in burgh or landward , and that they take up their names , and take such security of them for their good behaviour , as they shall judge needful : as also , we with advice foresaid do hereby impower the justices of peace , and heretors within each paroch , to appoint one or more within the bounds thereof , as they shall see needful , to be watches both by night and day , for preventing the foresaids abuses , by giving timeous warning , and conveening the neighbourhead to resist the foresaid robbers , thieves , sorners , or others committing the saids abuses , and seize and apprehend them , and to defend leil-mens persons and goods , and bring to justice and condign punishment the foresaids persons guilty , for which these shall be sufficient warrant . our will is herefore , and we charge you strictly and command , that incontinent these our letters seen , ye pass to the mercat cross of edinburgh , and remanent mercat-crosses of the haill head-burghs of the several shires and stewartries within this kingdom , and there in our name and authority , by open proclamation , make intimation hereof that none pretend ignorance , and ordains these presents to be printed . given under our signet at edinburgh the twenty eight day of december , and of our reign the ninth year . per actum dominorum secreti concilii . gilb . eliot . cls. sti. concilii . god save the king. edinburgh , printed by the heirs and successors of andrew anderson , printer to the kings most excellent majesty , anno dom. . by the mayor. whereas by neglect of executing the good lawes and statutes against rogues, vagabonds, and sturdy beggers, that vermine of this common-wealth doth now swarme in and about this city and liberties, ... city of london (england). lord mayor. this text is an enriched version of the tcp digital transcription a of text r in the english short title catalog (thomason .f. [ ]). textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. the text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with morphadorner. the annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. this text has not been fully proofread approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page image. earlyprint project evanston,il, notre dame, in, st. louis, mo a thomason .f. [ ] estc r this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (thomason tracts ; : f [ ]) by the mayor. whereas by neglect of executing the good lawes and statutes against rogues, vagabonds, and sturdy beggers, that vermine of this common-wealth doth now swarme in and about this city and liberties, ... city of london (england). lord mayor. sheet ([ ] p.) printed by james flesher printer to honourable city of london, [london] : . title from caption and first lines of text. signed and dated: the twenty third day of january . sadler. annotation on thomason copy: "decemb. ". reproduction of the original in the british library. eng begging -- england -- london -- early works to . rogues and vagabonds -- england -- london -- early works to . london (england) -- history -- th century -- early works to . a r (thomason .f. [ ]). civilwar no by the mayor. whereas by neglect of executing the good lawes and statutes against rogues, vagabonds, and sturdy beggers, that vermine of the city of london a this text has no known defects that were recorded as gap elements at the time of transcription. - tcp assigned for keying and markup - spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images - john pas sampled and proofread - john pas text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion by the mayor . whereas by neglect of executing the good lawes and statutes against rogues , vagabonds , and sturdy beggers , that vermine of this common-wealth doth now swarme in and about this city and liberties , disturbing and annoying the inhabitants and passengers , by hanging upon coaches , and clamarous begging at the doores of churches and private houses and in the streets and common dayes ; beguilling the modest , laborious and honest poore , ( the proper obiects of charity ) of much reliefe and almes which otherwise might bee disposed to them by bountifull and well minded people : and by this meanes and their corrupt and prophane communication , doe bring dishonor to god , scandall to religion , and shame to the government of this city : and for as much as it is intended and resolved that for reformation of this living nusance , the said lawes and statutes shall bee hence-forth duely and strictly executed within this city and liberties thereof , and the penaltyes and punishments thereby appointed , imposed and inflicted upon all persons offending against the same : i doe thereofore give notice thereof , and in the name of his highnes the lord protector , doe hereby require and command all constables and other officers and persons whatsoever within this city and liberties , to bee diligent and watchfull about their duties herein : for better information whereof and that none may excuse himselfe by pretence of ignorance , i have caused some branches of the said statutes of most common concernment to bee added hereunto , expecting that accordingly every constable doe presently apprehend ( and so continue to doe during his said office ) all such rogues , vagabonds and sturdy beggers as shall bee found in his parish or precinct , or shall bee brought or sent to him by any of his neighbors , and to send to bridewell ( the place of correction ) such of them as live within this city and liberties , who are there to bee received and dealt withall according to law ; and such as live not within the liberties aforesaid , to whipp and passe away to the place of their dwelling or last aboade . and that all other persons doe apprehend or cause to bee apprehended all such as they shall see or know to resort to their houses to receive or begg any almes , and carry or cause them to bee carried to the next constable , and that in all other things they give that furtherance to this worke as by the law is required . and further , i doe hereby require all and every the said constables , to the end their dwellings may bee the better known and more readily found , that they have their staves set or fixed at their streete doores , plainly to bee seene by all passengers . and moreover , that on the first wednesday in every moneth at foure of the clocke in the afternoone , they deliver in to the corporation for the poore at weavers hall , a list of the names and sirnames of all such rogues and beggers as shall by them respectively bee apprehended , whipped and passed away , with the time when , and the place to which they are sent . as they will answere the contrary at their perills . dated the twenty third day of january . sadler . to all and every the constables within the city of london and liberties thereof . eliz cap. . every rogue , vagabond , or sturdy begger that shall bee taken begging , vagrant , wandering , or misordering themselves , shall bee apprehended by any constable of the parish where such person shall bee taken , and bee stripped naked from the middle upwards and bee openly whipped , till his or her body bee bloody and shall bee forthwith sent from parish to parish by the said officer , the next streight way to the parish where hee or shee was born , if the same may bee known by the parties confession or otherwise , and if the same bee not known , then to the parish where hee or shee last dwelt , before the same punishment , by the space of one whole yeare , or if it bee not know where hee or shee was borne , or last dwelt , then to the parish to which hee or shee last passed without punishment &c. eliz. cap. . if any constable bee negligent and doe not his and their best endeavours for the apprehension of such vagabond , rogue , or sturdy begger , and to cause every of them to bee punished and convayed as aforesaid , then the constable in whom such default shall bee , shall loose and forfeit for every such default tenne shillings . eliz. cap. . also , if any person doe disturbe or let the execution of this law , or make rescusse against any officer or person authorised for the due execution of the premisses , such person offending shall forfeit for every such offence five pounds , and bee bound to the good behaviour . iac. cap. . every person or persons shall apprehend or cause to bee apprended , such rogues , vagabonds and sturdy beggers as hee or they shall see or know to resort to their houses to begg , gather , or receive any almes , and him or them shall carry or cause to bee carried to the next constable , upon paine to forfeit for every default tenne shillings . . iac. cap. . and if such constable doe not cause the said rogues , vagabonds and sturdy beggers to bee punished and convayed as aforesaid , such constable shall forefeit and loose the summe of twenty shillings for every default . printed by james flesher printer to honourable city of london . lavernæ, or, the spanish gipsy the whole art, mystery, antiquity, company, noblenesse, and excellency of theeves and theeving : with their statutes, laws, customes, practices, varieties, and differences, also their originall, rise, and beginning, of what parents, education and breeding the author was : with a pleasant discourse hee had in prison with a most famous theefe, and also his last disgrace, being a work no lesse curious than delectable / first written in spanish by don. garcia ; now in english by w.m. desordenada codicia de los bienes agenos. english garcia, carlos. this text is an enriched version of the tcp digital transcription a of text r in the english short title catalog (wing g ). textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. the text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with morphadorner. the annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. this text has not been fully proofread approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. earlyprint project evanston,il, notre dame, in, st. louis, mo a wing g estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) lavernæ, or, the spanish gipsy the whole art, mystery, antiquity, company, noblenesse, and excellency of theeves and theeving : with their statutes, laws, customes, practices, varieties, and differences, also their originall, rise, and beginning, of what parents, education and breeding the author was : with a pleasant discourse hee had in prison with a most famous theefe, and also his last disgrace, being a work no lesse curious than delectable / first written in spanish by don. garcia ; now in english by w.m. desordenada codicia de los bienes agenos. english garcia, carlos. w. m. (william melvin) [ ], [i.e. ], [ ] p. : ill. [s.n.], london printed : . translation of author's la desordenada codicia de los bienes agenos. running title: the antiquitie of theeves. "imprimatur thomas weekes. februarie , "--p. [ ] at end. numerous errors in paging. woodcut frontispiece opposite t.p. reproduction of original in the british library. eng thieves -- fiction. rogues and vagabonds -- fiction. a r (wing g ). civilwar no lavernæ, or the spanish gipsy: the whole art, mystery, antiquity, company, noblenesse, and excellency of theeves and theeving: with their st garcía, carlos, doctor b the rate of defects per , words puts this text in the b category of texts with fewer than defects per , words. - tcp assigned for keying and markup - apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images - jason colman sampled and proofread - jason colman text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion lavernae , or the spanish gipsy : the whole art , mystery , antiquity , company , noblenesse , and excellency of theeves and theeving : with their statutes , laws , customes , practises , varieties , and differences : also their originall , rise , and beginning , of what parents , education , and breeding the author was : with a pleasant discourse hee had in prison with a most famous theefe . and also his last disgrace : being a work no lesse curious then delectable . first written in spanish , by don. garcia : now in english by w. m. london , printed not in new gate , . the preface to the reader . mens naturall inclination is alwayes prone and addicted to so great rashnesse , that though vice of it selfe is so abominable & blame-worthy , notwithstanding there be too many who openly praise it , and account it their honour to practise it . thence it cōmeth to passe that theft , being a pernicious vice and forbidden by the lawes , doth not cease to be followed by many , who to defend themselves from the reproaches which may be laid against them , alleage that the lacedemonians a people very severe and just , permitted the use thereof to their youth ; that the aegyptians held those for able men that could steal best . that for the same subject the poets in their writings have bragged of the subtilty of mercurius , and of the cunning of the goddesse laverna who was the theeves patronesse . briefly , that this profession is made commendable by the crafty trickes of many that have exercised it , such as were prometheus the father of deucalion , cacus and autolicus , the one the son of vulcan and the other of mercurie , arsaces king of the parthians , denis tyrant of sicilie , the emperour nero , leo sonne of constantine copronimus , fulvius , flaccus censor , ninus king of aegipt , to whom iustin ascribeth the invention of so fine a trade , and a great many others with whō the books of authors are filled . to which we may adde , that even the most understanding men are not free from this vice , if it be certaine ( as saith simplicius ) that the prince of the peripatetiques ( aristotle ) stole that which he hath from the most excellent of those that went before him . that virgil drew all his richest inventions from homor , hesiod and theocritus , and that cicero boldly furnisht himselfe with the doctrine of the stoiques academiques and epicures . but for all this , it cannot be but that naturall reason must put downe all these vaine opinions , because according to aquinas , theft is quite cōtrary to that love which we owe to our neighbours , and with-all to gods law and mans law . and to this effect beside that in exodus and leviticus it is expresly forbidden , it is yet also detested by the apostle s. paul , where speaking to the ephesiant he saith , let him that stole steale no more : but let him rather labour and worke with his hands . also the people of old taking notice of this truth ordained against theeves severall sorts of punishments , especially the grecians & the athenians , as ludovicus vives doth very wel observe , who saith that the emperor frederick the third was the first that condemned them to the gallies : ovid speakes to this purpose that scyron one of the renowned theeves of his time was thrown head-long into the sea by theseus , procrustes kill'd by hercules and sysiphus cut in peeces . virgil that pedant balista was stoned for his thefts ; and the divine arious , that the king agrement caused brunellus the cunningest thiefe that ever was to be hang'd for having boldly stollen angelicus ring and scripants horse . i passe all the other examples that i might alleage : to tell you in a word , good reader , that this booke discourseth not here so much of the antiquitie of theeves and of their cunning slights , as to teach thee to eschew them , for if it be true that the wounds of darts which are foreseene from farre , are not so hurtfull as those which are shot at us unawares . i assure my selfe that the reader will use it as an instrument to avoide the snares which leud fellowes ordinarily lay for honest men , farewel . the antiqivtie of theeves chap. i. in which the author compareth the miseries of prison to the paines of hell . the terror of hell which is set forth to us in holy writings , doth so resemble to us the miseries which are endured in prison , that if this had not that hope which th'other wanteth we might attribute unto it the title of a true hell , seeing that in this which is most proper to them , the one and the other haue a mutuall and full correspondence , which maketh me to wonder much at the vnprofitable diligence with which some late writers distill their brain 's to finde the meanes how they may properly represent unto the world the horrour of that terrible mansion , when they might have attained to the end of their purpose in shewing onely the desperate life which people suffer in prison , which shall be perfitly knowne with its extreame miserie , if first of all we particularly treate of the torments which are perpetually exercised in hell . the authors , who write upon this subject , bring the paines of hell to two points ; the first and chiefe of which is their depriving from the essence of god , which they call essentiall paine , it being that , which properly containeth all the torments that can be imagined in hel. and that same is so extreame and so cruell , that if the soule had in the other world as many pleasures and contentments as the thought of man could imagine , being deprived of god , it could not have any thing which had one onely shadow of comfort . because that god being the roote and the fountaine of all goodnesse , and all contentments and delights , which are in the world being stored up in him alone , it is evident that with him the soule shall have all consolation which is possible to be imagined and that without him it shall be plunged into a bottomlesse depth of sorrow & confusion , with which and with the certainty that it hath , that its griefes shall never be ended , it curseth its being , its birth and its life . the other paine which the damned suffer in hell is the accidentall paine , so called because it is joyned to the former as an accident , which serveth to make the apprehension of the damned more sensible , throwing them headlong into the bitter sight of their miserie . to this is joyned the detestable companie of divells , the horrible and frightfull lodging , the severall kindes of torments , the continuall lamentations , the disorder , the confusion , the fire , the brimstone , the darkenesse and a thousand other afflictions , of which , and of the depriving of gods being and presence , that wretched and perpetuall hell is composed . and as touching the varietie of officers , that beare rule in this darke dungeon ; wee know already that in that great battell which saint michael th'archangell had against lucifer , for the throne and the glory of the creator , not onely the same lucifer fell from heaven , and from the highest of his perfection to the lowest and hollowest gulfes of hell ▪ but also a great number of evill angells with him , who were copartners with him in his rash and accursed purpose . and these although they do equally partake with him in the paine essentiall , which is being deprived of god , have neverthelesse some difference amongst themselves : whether it be that everyone is of one kind , as saith a doctor of the church , or whether for that they had more or lesse consent in his malice . because that without doubt those who obstinatly defended the pride of lucifer fell with him into the deepest place of the earth which is the center of the the world where divines doe place hell . and those who were not so vehement ; but onely approved his purpose with a certaine and determinate fellow-liking , fell not so low : i will say that the accidentall paine of them was not so great as that of these others . and of this sort the accidentall paine of these spirits was made severall according to the degrees of the malice which they had in their sinne . and though that in hell there is no order , as iob saith ; there is notwithstanding a certaine government and order among these spirits vnder-placed and divided into severall companies with diverse degrees and qualities . so as the good angells in the heavenly ierusalem are divided by their order into angells , archangells , thrones , powers , cherubins , seraphins , and other holy dignities . all the legions of divels which fell from heaven remained subject to the archangell michael , who hath commandement and empire overthem all . as also according to some mens opinions , every good angell of princes hath commandement over one legion . and beside the obedience which all of them owe to saint michael , as to their captaine generall vnder god , they have also among them their prince of malice , to whom they are subject and obey , and upon him depend diverse lievetenants and governors , who wholly divide the governement of all the hellish malice , every one of them having vnder his charge the disposing and good order of his band . neither lesse nor more than in a well ordered campe , where there is a great multitude of souldiers , the body of the armie is divided into severall regiments , as are the generall , the camp-master , captaines , ensignes , sergeants , corporalls and others of this sort , who order the souldiers and the armie . and as there are sundry offices of these , some being foote , others horse , some musqueters , others pikemen , and finally of severall employments : there are also among the evill spirits severall offices and places , some tempting by covetousnesse , others by riotousnesse , others by ambition , and finally , every particular sinne hath its appointed and determinate officers , having all of them equally ; one onely end and scope to carrie soules to hell . in this divellish armie there are some divels , that never come out of hell , but are evermore shut up within it , receiving the soules which enter in thither , and giving to them a place and kinde of torment which their sinnes deserve . there are others who are ever wandring , compassing the earth to and fro , and searching for soules to carrie them into hel. neverthelesse let no man thinke that these have any power or authoritie to beare away one soule to hell , nor these others to shut up in their darke dennes , vnlesse it be by the expresse commandement and particular commission of god . and so much concerning these hellish officers . as for its largenesse , it is such , that all sorts of sinfull soules enter into hell , and it is ordinarily full fraughted and peopled with blasphemers , perjur'd persons , murtherers , adulterers , envious persons , and to conclude with all sorts of evill-doers : who although they have in common the essentiall paine , which is the wanting of god , and are all of them in hell , yet they have severall roomes and torments according to everie ones deferving , sithence it is certaine that the paine of him that oweth little shall not be so great at all as the paine of him that oweth much , and that the just iudge chastiseth and recompenseth every one according as he deserveth . to all this varietie is added the extreme confusion of hell , the disorder , the vnquietnesse , the vnrulie cariage ; and continualagitation , with which they are alwaies tormented , seeing it is evident , that where rage and despaire reigneth , there can be no friendly fellowship nor agreement . this estate , practise & disposition of the horrible pit of this hellish lodging is the lively pourtraict of that desperate life , which men suffer in prison , in which the beholder shal find so in tire & so mutuall a correspondence that there is not almost any other difference between them but in the name . because that first to the essentiall paine of hel , which is the depriving of gods powerful presence , the want of liberty hath correspondence , which with a just title we may cal a paine essentiall , for so much as it is the queen of al the apprehēsions & motives of sorrow , which are able to afflict a good wit . and as in that , the soule being deprived of god , it is also deprived of all worldly pleasures , even so in this ( to wit in prison ) it enjoyeth not any thing which hath the least shadow of content . because that although a prisoner were clothed with purple , served as a king , fed with the most delicate vitailes of the world , his chamber hang'd with cloth of gold , that hee were entertained with all sort of musicke , visited by his parents and friends , all this , nor all that could be desired more could bring him any kinde of comfort . on the contrary he should have lesse , because that all things availe nothing but to awaken his appetite and make him desire that which others enjoy , and to which he cannot attaine . whence proceedeth the increasing of his want ( of libertie ) and consequently his paine . the harshnesse and force of depriving ( of libertie ) may be easily , known by its contrarie , this being infallible that the depriving of one thing shall be by so much evill as the possession of it shall be good . and libertie being the most precious iewell of the soule , and the greatest perfection , which the vnbounded author of this , hath engrafted in the reasonable creature ; it is certaine that the depriving thereof shall be the most crosse and vnsufferable of all others . that libertie is that which guideth and directeth mans actions to diverse ends , without enforcing them and with pleasure , choosing , and commanding , experience teacheth this , in which the supreme work-master would distinguish man from other living creatures , whose end obtaineth by a naturall instinct , which leadeth them , as by a bridle , to the appetite and delight in it , and that it is so powerfull , and maketh man so absolute , that his vnderstanding having proposed the good , the perfect , the honest and the delectable , he may resolve with himselfe to love it or not to love it at all , sith that none but god may aske a reason of this so absolute commandement , naturall philosophie telleth it . whence and from many other reasons , which i could bring , it is clearely perceived that there is not any thing in the world , to which the essentiall paine of hell can more properly be compared , than to the depriving of libertie , seeing it bringeth man to such extremitie , that he abhorreth himselfe , his being , his ranke , and his estate . he knoweth well this truth which i write , who hath sometimes beene in prison , laded with chaines and with irons , subject to the rage of that terrible abode , cursing ( though noble and well borne ) his being , his condition and noblenesse , grieving to be that which he is , and wishing to be a great deale meaner . in midst of which despaire hee envieth the peaceable condition and tranquillity , of the commons , and could wish to have beene borne of the most base dregs of the people . he curseth his actions and his studies , the points of honour which his parents taught him , the vnderstanding which he hath , thinking with himselfe , that if he were a privat man , he should not at all see himselfe in so miserable and so extreame a perplexitie , and that this would not be litle enough for him , if despaire left him amongst the folke of that same sort and nature : but it goeth on refining and consuming him in the fire of impatience , in such sort , that it draweth him out of his reasonable being , and bringeth him to that of a brute beast , and to the most base and infinite kindes of them , that groaning for libertie , he envieth the bird that flieth , the dog that barketh , the pismire that travelleth , and desireth to be one of them . and the venome of this fierce beast stayeth not there , for tying harder the cords of a poore prisoner , it draweth him out of the ranke and file of living creatures , making him desire to be a tree , an image or a stone , bringing him to nothing , and making him bewaile that ever hee was borne in the world . by which it is clearely seene that the want of liberty making so unhappy a change in man , as to throw him headlong from the highest & most perfect of his inclination and appetite , to the basest and lowest , and from the image and likenesse of god , to nothing ; this is the most strong and most rigorous paine that can be imagined , and that which truely doth better represent the essential paine of hell . to the accidentall paine doe correspond the innumerable afflictions and calamities , which follow the depriving of libertie , amongst which are the stinke of the prison , the disorderly frame of the buildings , the defamed companie , the continuall and huge lewd voices , the diversitie of nations , the differing humors , the shame , the persecution , the disgrace , the mocquerie , the crueltie , the blowes , the torments , the poverty and the miseries without number , which are suffered in prison , of the which , and of other depriving of libertie the lively patterne of hell is framed and composed . as touching the executioners and officers , no man will deny but that all the earth is full of incarnat divells , more obstinate and more accursed in their kinde than those of hell , the most part of them being fallen , as lucifer and his followers , from the heaven of honour . i will say that for the deserving , and sinnes which they have committed , the angell saint michael , who is the iustice , hath drawne them from the fellowship and dwelling of the good , and they seeing themselves beaten downe and dishonoured , have taken vpon them the office of divels , to avenge themselves of the poore innocent soules , running day & night thorow the streets , markets and publike places of the citie , smelling out and searching for people to lay them in prison . and these are they who commonly are called sergeants , who drag a poore man to prison with such rage and tyrannie , as these in the perpetuall hell could not utter more . and if we be able to find any difference betweene them , it is this , that the divells of hell fly from the signe of the crosse ; but those of the prison love , reverence and adore that happy signe , in such sort , that hee who would deale well with them , and somewhat turne their rigour into a litle pitie , it is necessarie that hee have alwayes the crosse in his hands , for at what time hee shall leave it , they will torment him ten times more than his sinne can deserve : but they having met with him , they say a pater noster for the soule which they take , untill they come to da nobis hodie , and they goe not at all any further . these divells are those who walke commonly through the streetes , and places of the citie , seeking for soules in the most secret corners , the multitude and trade of whom is so great , that i doe not thinke there are mote legions of divels in hell , than there be sergeants in the common-wealth . amongst them there be some that goe on horsebacke , who have charge to travell into the countrey , unto places farre remote from the citie , and to bring men into prison from places most solitarie and quiet . these , for that they being of a more haughtie nature than the others , we may call orientalls from the region of fire , and these are called archers or messengers , the legion or companie of whom hath for their chieftaine or captaine a great divell whom they call provest . there are other divels in this hell , the inferiors of the aforenamed , who goe ordinarily by tens or twenties in a companie , disguised and masked , to spie if they can catch one poore soule by treacherie , they are so cowardly so effeminate and dastardly , that they meete sometimes to the number of fortie and all to take one man , and yet they dare not adventure to take him their selves alone , without the assistance and aide of a divell with a long gown , who vsually accompanieth them . they goe alwayes atter'd , torne and naked , and this is the lowest and most infinite legion of all as the hob-goblins vnder ground , whom the people have beene accustomed to call apparitors . every legion of these divells have an infinite number of halfe-divells who goe disguised and covered through the citie , taking notice of all that is done there , with great subtiltie and craft . they take and change every day a thousand formes and shapes , shewing themselves in every companie in a severall manner ; at one occasion going like countrey-men , in an other like strangers , by & by of one profession , and by and by of another . these are they who with great sleight and subtiltie discover the price , after the same manner as the lying dogs doe the partridges , bringing the aforesaid divels to the proper place of the soule , which they would take , and pointing it out as with the finger : and these we call spies , and amongst them they are called recorders . there be other divels , who are esteemed more noble and more courteous , whose office is to repeale penalties , commissions , requests , to baile a soule , and to take the burthen on themselves , answering for it every time that the iudge asketh for it . and though it be in their keeping , they give it alwayes time and place to solicite its owne affaires , to visite its iudges , and to pleade its cause , vsing with it some pitie and friendship . finally they have a nature mingled with goodnesse and malice , and they are betweene divels and angels , whom by reason of the familiaritie which they have with man , wee may call them airie divells ; and these the common people call doore-keepers . all these aforesaid divels , & others whom i leave to mention for avoiding prolixitie , are found in the world , every one of whom goeth severall waies , leading soules into the hell of prison , & all of them , after the manner of evil spirits are divided into divers legions and troopes . yet notwithstanding they torment not the soules because they enter not into hell themselves , onely they deliver them to lacifers lievetenant the iayler , & returne incontinent vnto their walke ; for to give up their account to their captaine , of the tentations which they have practized that day , and of the number of soules which they have carried that day to prison , every one of them reckoning up the inventions & wiles which he hath practized in his hellish office . there be also other divells which never go out of the prisō , nor have any other imployment , but to torment the poore soules which enter in thither . and those are so tyrannous , so cruel & so wicked , that they satisfie not their inraged hunger but by sucking the bloud , & the life of the poore captive that fals among their hands ▪ albeit they suffer him to breath so long ; while they have emptied his purse . and these be the under porters & servants of the iayler , who , as a president of that dreadfull dwelling , receives the prisonner from the hands of the sergeant and writes in his booke the day of his entring , his accusation , his name and the name of that divell that hath taken him . these shut-up divells have no power nor authoritie to torment a soule which the others do bring in , nor these others to take them , but by the command of iustice declared by some honourable officer , who with reason and truth by a signed writing chargeth these uncleane spirits to take such a soule . as for the rest it may well be proved that every sergeant hath power to leade a man to prison , even so as every divell may beare a soule to hell , seeing that there ordinarily entreth thither an infinite number of prisoners , and every one imprisoned by his severall iudge : some answer before a iudge with a long gown , others before one with a short gown , without reckoning , many other officers of iustice , who as good angels have authoritie and power to exercise it , who have their appointed and praticular divels , who execute their commandment and will . as touching the diversitie of the lodgings and places of their abode , the curious shall see many differing in the prison , every one fitted for the prisoners delight . for hee who is not criminall , and who is noble is usually lodged in the lightsomest chambers and neatest contrived : but understand that the noblenesse of a prison consisteth in a good purse . those that be of a meaner qualitie & deserving are fitted in certain darke & black chambers , where smoke and cinders continually bearesway . the prison hath yet this property of hel , to take in all sort of sinners & criminals , being usually peopled , and full of theeves , russians , cut-purses , panders , whoores , murtherers , perjured men , bankrupts , cheaters , usurers , & sorcerers , in as great varietie as the living creatures that entered into noahs arke , so that entry is not denied nor the gate shut against any . of this remarkeable variety the confused multitude of a prison is composed with a thousād other circumstances which accompanie it , which because it is altogether disorderly & without bounds i shal not be able to reduce it to one terme or name , nor to give it a definition which universally comprehendeth all the miseries of this dreadfull dwelling , if the curious reader will not be contented with the analogie and proportion which it hath with the perpetuall hell . the which being supposed as a thing most proper to a prison , we shall be able to describe it by its properties & by experience , saying , that a prison is no other thing but a land of calamitie , a dwelling of darkenes , a habitation of miserie or an eternall horrour inhabited without any kind of order . it is a confused chaos without any distinction , it is a bottomles pit of violence which hath nothing that is in its own center , it is a tower of babylon where all speake and none heare , it is a medley against nature , in which is seene the peace and agreement of two contraries , mingling the noble with the infamous , the rich with the poore , the civill with the criminall , the sinner with the just , it is a communaltie with agreement ; one whole by accident , a composition without parts , a religion without orders or lawes , and a body without a head . the prison is the grave of noblenesse , the banishment of courtesie , the poyson of honour , the center of infamie , the quintessence of disparagement ; the hell of good wits , the snare of pretences , the paradise of cousenage , the martyrdome of innocence , the cloude of truth , the treasure of despaire the fining-pot of friendship , the wakener of rage , the baite of impatience , the mine of treasons , a den of foxes , the refuge of vengeance : the punishment of force , and the headsman of life . there he that yesterday was great , to day is meane ; hee that was happy in the city , now starveth there ; he that was richly clad , is starke naked , he that commanded , obeyeth ; he that had his court full of caroches and rich saddles , findeth not now one more to visite him . there civilitie is turned into insolence , courage to subtiltie ▪ shamelesse outfacing into vertue , blasphemie into valour , flattery into eloquence lyes to truth , silence to noise modestie to boldnesse , knowledge to ignorance , and order to confusion : and to end the miserie of that unluckie place : i conclude in saying that it is a forrest-full of wilde beasts , in which the one teareth the other , eating his heart and drinking his bloud , so that no scruple of conscience , feare of god , suspition of love , compassion or other respect whatsoever which can have any shadow of vertue or of goodnesse is able to hinder them . there one weepeth and another singeth , one prayeth and another blasphemeth , one sleepeth , another walketh , one goeth out , another commeth in , one is condemned , another absolved , one payeth , another demandeth , and finally one shall hardly finde two of one exercise and will . one will be eating in a corner , another will pisse behind him : and in the middle of them another shall pull off his shirt and strip himselfe starke naked . every one is imployed in his particular exercise , they not having any other houre or time appointed for that save their will , which being disordered , free in its actions , produceth them without any let or shame . in that which concerneth the sustenance of life , there is no order kept there among them , because that hunger is their appetite , their time of meales alwayes , their table the bare board , their sawce the nastinesse and filthy stinke , and their musicke sneesing and belchings . the hangings of their chambers are all mourning , with some borders of spiders-cloth ( cobwebs ) , their seates the ground or some stone greased with two inches of fat bacon . the dishes where they eate are alwayes enemies to cleanlinesse , to serve for a pot-lid and other vses more base , and for spoones they are served with five fingers spotted like i asper , and having their nailes of a huge length . as for their drinke , the industrie of man teacheth them to make a pit in the top of their hat , and to drinke in it more grease than wine . and if peradventure there be found among them a pot or kettle , it shall be , according to the order and custome of the prison , batter'd without a handle , nor without vernish , and hath past the first yeare of apprentiship , and hath beene vsed in the most base offices , serving for a pisse-pot , for a flagon , for a vineger bottle , for an oile-pot and a bason . as for napkins , they take their skirts , or the outside of their breeches , and for a table-cloth the wrongside of a poore old cloake , threed-bare and fuller of beasts than that linnen cloth which s. peter saw in damascus . in their garments they keepe a great uniformitie , going all of them clothed after the manner of lent , and with s. austins habite , but so tatter'd and pucker'd , and so fitted to the passions and necessities of their bodies , so that without breaking their cod-piece point they want not a perpetuall loosenesse to satisfie their flux of the belly . they live apostollically , withoutscrip without staffe and without shooes , having nothing superfluous nor double : contrariwise there is so great simplicitie that they cover all their body with one only shirt , whereof many times they have no more save the sleeves , and they never leave it off till it can go alone of its owne accord . if momus should come into the prison he could finde nothing to reprove them for , because one may see them to the very intralls . the combe , tooth-pickers , brush , handkerchiefe , looking-glasse , sope-balls are banisht from this place : of which povertie groweth so great an abundance that in their head , beard , stomack & flanck●s a camell might be hidden . we cannot say that there is any kinde of vices in the prison , because that idlenesse the mother of them hath no entrie there , because they are all carefull and watchfull to search for that which is necessarie for life : and their overplus time they spend in exercising themselves on diverse instruments of musicke having the itch for the mistresse of that vertue . they have also their appointed houres for the military art , in the which they fight with their bodily enemies , whence they retire evermore with the victorie , bearing continually for triumph & trophees the bloud on their nailes . they live in evangelicall hope never troubling themselves with the care of that which they should eate or drinke to morrow . their ordinarie comfort is the faith and hope which they have to come out of prison one day , and put an end to their miseries . with this comfort they live , ever dying , putting cataracts and deceiveable imaginations before the eyes of their reason . and if by chance the time of their imprisonment endeth , and iustice giveth assent that some one of them goe forth , then the divell is so carefull and so watchfull troubling and quelling his libertie , that it seemeth to him there are no gates through which hee can get out . one withholds him asking a debt thirtie yeares old , another the succession of one of his grandfathers , and another sheweth a band more ancient than the deluge . and when his diligence and meanes have delivered him from his enemies without , these within doores begin to thunder out another song , for one demandeth of him five shillings which he lent him eleven months ago , another that should pay for a pot which he brake to him , another draweth forth a bill of reckoning , asking him for ten eggs and a sallet which he paid for him . this man demandeth that he should pay him the good-morrow's which he hath given him , another the good nights , one askes his cap , another his doublet , another his shooes and all lay hold upon him . and when he escapeth this importunate swarm of bees , these tunes begin to deafe his eares ; the iayler demands of him the rights of the prison , his entrance , his going forth , and the time that he hath tarried there , for his sleeping , his talking , his eating , his sneesing and his coughing , and all the time that he hath lived within there , making more scores in his booke than an astrologer on the erecting of an horoscope . and when he hath given him that which he demands of him without reason , he askes his gloves , his iayle fees , his slippers , his old shooes and a coife for the maide-servant . the dog askes him to pay for his watching and barking that he hath kept for him while he slept , the cat for the paines she hath taken to cleare his chamber from mice and rats , one pulls him on this side and another on that , and all catch hold of him like briers , while they have left him dry , pluckt bare , throng'd and as naked as his mother bare him . this in briefe termes , is the miserable practise of this living patterne of hell , withall its circumstances , in every one of which there is matter enough to make a long and profound discourse . that the reader may bethinke himselfe hereof , that being affrighted at the hardnesse thereof , he may avoide the dangerous inconveniences which are presented every day to a man as long as he is at libertie : for if he fall once into the divels hands , and be forced to passe through the wicket of hell , though his cause were his protector , he should waite for s. michael ; and if iustice were his protector , he should ever remaine burnt with the marke of hell , into which who so once entereth , hee leaueth the best thing that he hath amongst pluto's h●nds . and albeit that hee enter there fuller and richer than the queene of saba when she came to see king salomon , he shall come forth more lanke , more drie and more feeble than the seven kine that pharaoh saw in his dreames . ( *⁎* ) chap. ii. of a pleasant discourse which the author had in prison with a famous theife . to the end that none be deceived with this proverbe which most men hold for a maxime , when they say , that all noveltie is well pleasing ; because that albeit logicke should not condemne this proposition as false , experience would discover its deceit : for i doe not thinke that there is any one in the world that hath found the prison pleasant , even at the first time that he entred therein . i may say of my selfe , that when i was there , though it was new to me i found not any thing that i liked ; on the contrarie , the pleasure which novelties bring with them was turned into notable admiration and extreame paine , seeing that which willingly i would not have seene , and talking of that which least pleased me . i spent the first dayes even as all those , who enter into that place have beene accustomed to passe them , which is to consider the lodgings , to be vexed at the companie , and to shun the familiar conversing with the prisoners . and i might have past all the time of my imprisonment in such like employment , if it had lien in my power to do it , because that the companie invited me not to acquaint my selfe . but the necessitie being accompanied with exceeding great curiositie which prisoners have , when any one entereth newly into prison , tied me to frame my selfe to the usuall fashion of these people , from whom i had a sufficent report of the subjects and qualities of that habitation , without other paines-taking than to give them the hearing , because that by it a discreete man shall know moe sins in foure dayes than a confessor in a hundreth yeares . in the conclusion with a faire shew and some pieces that i had in my purse i purchased the good will of all the rable , in such sort , that there was not any man of what ranke soever who did not esteem much of me , & participated not with me the most inward of his conscience . but the continuall companie of this tedious conversation troubled me , in such sort that i was not mine owne , nor had i the libertie to spend one quarter of an houre by my selfe alone . so lessayed by a thousand meanes to ridde my selfe from the head-strong importunities of those undiscreet people , but it was not possible for me to free my selfe , without taking the office that i had got over them . wherefore i was desirous to trie , if in this martyrdome , seeing i deserved no such thing , i could finde some pleasure to divert my minde and entertaine them . so continuing my no lesse accustomed than troublesome occupation , sitting one day upon a bench which was in the chappell of the prison , in the companie of three or foure of these gallants , hearing some difficulties , whereof they were come to consult with mee upon the ten commandements , i heard the echo of a sorrowfull voyce , which called me pitifully . all the standers by were amazed ; one of them ranne to be informed of this vnlooked forn ewes , but the speedy hast of him , which sought for me , prevented the curiositie of him who was gone out to know the newes ; for scarsly had we heard the voyce , when after it , entred at the doore one of my religious followers ( held in great esteeme amongst those people who were none of the holiest ) with his colour changed , his visage bathed with teares , without a hat , his armes crossed , sighing and beseeching with great humilitie the companie , that they would let him be alone with me , amplifying his request by the shortnesse of time , as the principall remedy of mishap . they departed the place , and he seeing himselfe alone and with freedome to discover his thoughts to me , without any other preface , preamble , advertisement or courtesie , he said to me . sir , to day is my feast day , and they have made me a gift of a clarke of a harbour , with a cardinalls hat : what remedie shall i be able to finde for so great a mischiefe . verily this darke speech of his words , together with the manner of telling it , held mee somewhat in doubt , because i knew not how to comment upon so vncouth a language followed with so many sighes and groanes . neverthelesse making a little stay at these words and already guessing that which it might be , i beleeved that he had got this hat at some pot of wine , and that out of the abundance thereof this noble dignitie had climed up to the head . so smiling i said to him : my friend , the post that hath brought you this newes , is he of a douzen or of twentie ? it is not of twelue , nor offoure , unhappy man that i am ! answered he , for i am not drunke , nor ever was i in all my lifetime , and would to god that all the world were so retired in this action as i am : but as the proverbe saith , some have the name , the others have the effect . and you doe not well to make a poore unhappie wretch that askes your counsell in his extreame affliction . his answer to the purpose redoubled my astonishment , and not being able to hit at that which this might meane , i said to him somewhat in anger ; make an end then to relate to me the cause of your paine , and hold me no more in doubt with your darke speeches or ridles . now i know , sir , said he , that yee have not studied martiall tearmes , nor you vnderstand not as yet galunatias his stile , so it will be hard for you to vnderstand the comming together of two solide bodies with the perspective of red flowers in a white field . from this second answer i fully resolved that hee was not drunke , but foolish , and as to such a one , i agreed with him to all that he said , although i vnderstood him never a whit . and taking the subject to reason with him upon the same reasons , i asked him , who made him a cardinall and why ? to which he answered me thus . you should understand that some officers of the three and of the five of topo & tango vpon the seventh and the goe met me one sunday at midnight and finding me with the as de bastons the lot would that they should run a hazard , and i remained with the money . they were deceived , and desiring to revenge their wrong , they went to scipion , declaring an vniversall head which they had seene in my hands , upon which they made long informations by the signe●ers aequinoctialls : and at the end of a rigorous examination which they had of me , they found mee not good enough to be pope , they left me the office of a cardinall . you ought to account your selfe happy , i answerd him , having so great a dignitie , seeing that few obtaine it , and these with great paines and travell . i would quite it , withall my heart , saith he , and that without pension , if any one would receive it for mee , and i would moreover binde myselfe to him to pay for the seales , because to speake the truth , it is a charge too heavy for me , and hee that gives it , hath not any good reputation among the people , nor many friends in the citie ▪ and this is the cause that i make no great account of it . and doe not thinke that in saying , that i will no wayes accept of it , i can helpe myselfe of this paine : for it is not in my power , nor in theirs who receive the like charges to be able to refuse them , sithence dignities are bestowed by deservings , and albeit that men refuse them , they are made to take them by force , that no man may refuse them nor make resistance by too great humilitie , they binde it upon him as if he were a foole . truely my friend , said i then to him , you ought to account your selfe happy and very fortunate , for such an election , this being supposed that it is made for deserving , and not for favour . very fortunate , faith hee , assuredly i am , howbeit an vnworthy sinner , but no wise happy , for if i were , i should not be very fortunate . with this answer i began to see clearly , that he was neither foolish nor drunke : but that dissembling hee covered his words of this his chatting , and resolute to leave him with his — i rise speaking to him some harsh words , to which hee answered with great humilitie , saying , sir i beseech you to stay your choler a litle : for it is not without a mysterie , that i have spokē to you in a riddle , and beleeve me that in this i have had no other intention , but to hide my mishaps from some — who usually ▪ watch harkning after the life of another , to report them to their copsemates . but now seeing that i can utter it to you without feare i will explaine myselfe , being well assured that a man of so good a wit as you are , will not be offended to heare my weakenesse , and will not deny me your good counsell which out of your charitie i promise to myselfe . so know that cardinall is that which to day at noone one hit mee over the shoulders : the clarke of harbour hee that receiveth such as are condemned to the gallies : those of three , are some of our companie , are some that watch the streete , when any theft is committed , and these have the third part : those of five are some honorable persons , or at least held for such by the common people , who hide and keepe the theft in their house , and for that the fifth part is given to them . now you shall know that by misliking i being one night in a list that was made , the booty was so little , that there was not whereof to make neither fourth nor fifth , and i being the man that put himselfe in greatest danger i was willing to goe away withall , promising to redresse the bygone fault in another more gainefull occasion . those of seven , and goe , i will tell my companions found not this satisfaction to the purpose , which i gave them , because that absolutely they would have their share . i seeing ▪ that it was altogether impossible , for that i had already eaten it , turned the processe to a quarrell , and laying hold on a baton which is the as that you have heard , gave one of them a sound blow over the head , who seeing himselfe wounded , and his companions cheated , went to s. scipion who is the major , and accused mee that i was a theife at crochet , which is an instrument where with we open all manner of doores , and following the accusation they made me be laid up in prison . the lords of the court , whom we call aequinoctialls , condemned mee to goe the accustomed rounds about the streets , and afterwards to serve his majestie in the gallies of marseilles . which execution should be made this same day at noone ; i tremble because ten a clocke is strucke already . if ye have any remedy to give me , ye will doe a great worke of mercy , because i feare that the hangman having stript mee , and finding five markes about me which were unjustly given me , doubtlesse he will make mee take a shorter journey . the wretch had proceeded thus far with the explaining of darke speech , ere ever i could break off his discourse , so great was the astonishment which his entangled metaphors left me in , & ending his story with a deep sigh , which came from his very soule , he fell halfe dead betweene my armes . he being come to himselfe againe , i began to comfort him the best i possibly could , counselling , for the last remedy to appeale to the court , hoping alwayes for more mercie , from the highest seate of justice , than from the inferior iudges scarcely had i ended my words but three or foure of his companions , dying for laughter enter'd at the chappell doore , saying to him that the newes which they had tolde him were false , and those lashes were imaginary , that it was a tricke of his enemies maliciously invented to trouble and vexe him . with this newes the poore wretch came againe so suddenly to his first estate , that save there remained some remembrance of his first taking it to heart , he cut moe than five and twenty capers in the ayre , with a thousand turnings of good liking , and his companions began to play upon him , in which he paid them home their change , with so wittie answers , that hee left me a great desire , to keepe him with me all alone , and at leasure to know at length his vocation and office , and the cleering of some obscure words which he usually mingled in his discourse ; so i intreated him , but he knowing that i had such a desire , in requitall of the patience with which i had heard him , and of the good counsell , which i had given him in his neede , he promist to give me a good account of his life , of his parents life , and the changeable successes which happened to him in his trade ; with all particulars which could be learned amongst those of his office , & having appointed me a place at two in the afternoone , we went to dinner . ( *⁎* ) chap. iii. to whom the theefe relateth the noblenesse and excellencie of theft . the good andrew ( for so hee was called ) was not at all slothfull to be at the place appointed , nor to declare to me the historie which i had requested with so great a desire : for halfe an houre before that , which wee had appointed , i found that hee waited for me with extreame impatience and so great , that almost without saluting me , hee began to relate his historie , saying . know , sir , that if from the time of your birth ye should have gone searching through all the universities of the world for some one , who with more ground , experience & learning then i could informe you of that which yee desire to know , it were impossible to finde him : seeing that in this which toucheth ( and let this be spoken without vanitie ) the understāding of the riddles of mercurie trismegstus , and other darke philosophers , and to be , as they say , of the right haire and feathers , i will not yeelde it to any man in the world . with this and other secrets reserved to my own onely discretion i have found out the philosophers stone and the true elixar of life , with which i turne poyson into medicine , the course cloth into cloth of gold , and hunger into fulnesse and satietie more than sufficient , without putting any thing to it of my goods , save the turning of a hand . i doe not deale as a thousand other ignorant people of our daies , who being blinded by the gainfull end which the practise of the great philosophers-stone promiseth them doe adventure rashly to spend all to finde nothing , & to vndoe a hundred thousand essences to finde one fifth both vncertaine and false , whose excesse and curiositie have none other end but infamie , miserie and povertie , and finally a shamefull death : for as much as those who have consum'd their owne goods and the goods of their friends , to search for that which they have not found , utter their rage with strokes of hammers upon the seven mettals , which are the cause of their overthrow . and which is worse , with all the tryalls and vnhappie ends of alcumists , there is not any man to whom curiositie will not awaken the appetite , and provoke the will every time that he heareth any man talke of this arte . mine is not of this kinde , and therefore lesse subject to the fancies and idle imaginations of gebor arnaut , raymond lully and other great advancers of the arte , whose knowledge consisteth in not to be understood ; it is easie , plaine and without any mixture . neverthelesse be who hee will that shall exercise it , it is necessarie that hee be wise , prudent and well advised , because that wanting or failing in one whatsoever it be of these things , a man shall easily lose in an instant all that he hath gained in all his life . this noble art also hath not aristotles principles , because that as well he as all others that follow him , imagined that nothing could be made of nothing : this being true that in this our art , all things are made of nothing ; and if we may attribute any principle of them which he propoundeth in his physicks , it is the privation only , seeing that from it alone we come to the possession of infinit wealth . as for our tooles , i cōfesse there are some , forasmuch as there is no trade that can be without them , but neverthelesse they are so easie & so cheape , that we well nigh make them our selves , after they are made , they last time out of minde . the ground then to busie one of our trade , is onely the good courage and sound disposition of his body and limmes , and with this alone a man becommeth his crafts-master , without any other ornament — and doe not think that this art , having so poore a beginning as nothing , is shamful or infamous , for it is the most noble , the absolute and the most priviledged of all those that are in the world , so farre forth that acknowledgeth nor respecteth neither king nor knave , nor careth it for all the monarchs of the earth , nor for the ecclesiastike power , nor for the secular : but rather all pay tribute and travels for him . its fields are fruitfull in drie grounds , it gathers the fruit without sowing , it hath no traffique with any , and demands of all , it lendeth to no body , and all are indebted to it , its harvests grow without raine , and there is not any thing whereof it taketh not the tithes . there commeth not any fleete from the indies , nor great ship from the levant , wherof it not make shew to be partner , there is not a guine marchant , that is not its debtor , and finally , it catcheth up all . and which ought to be most valued in this pretious art , is the great ease with which it is exercised , in which it exceeds all other arts , that are till these our times found out in the world , the end of which is contrary to that of this , because that is perfected in the doing , this in undoing , and to undoe being more easie than to doe ( as the philosopher saith ) doubtlesse it is but that our art is easier than all others whose end is obtained with great paines , travells and difficulties . honest andrew had proceeded further in the praises and excellencie of his trade , if i had not broke him off with an extreame impatience , the titles of honour and noblenesse which hee gave it seeming to me altogether improper , as well for that it is of it selfe imfamous , as for the innumerable dangers which usually happen to them , who undertake such like traffiques : wherefore i said to him ; i do not know , andrew , how nor by what reason you your selfe reckon up to me these arts so noble , so easie and so profitable , seeing that you have related to me the perilous extremities in which you have beene , which your povertie and calamity assure me to be of little profit & of great misery which is therein , that makes mee to marvel very much at your persevering in your unhappy trade , ere you were made wise by the experiences past . you have reason ( he answered ) and i confesse that many hazards and disgraces light upon vs , but one oxe eateth more than a hundred larks , i will say that one good encounter shoulders out many disgraces , which have not in so great number as you thinke , and though they were , it is not possible for vs to give over this trade but by death , because this art hath i cannot tell what with it , that it is like one sicke of the dropsie , who the more he drinks the more he thirsts , and of one onely act there becommeth a habite , qui difficilè removetur a subjecto , which is hardly removed from the subject . and i know wel ▪ that you wil like my doctrine well , being so learned a man as you are , seeing they are accustomed to dispute among the philosophers if this maxime of aristotle ( who saith expluribus actibus generatur habitus , of many actions is begot a habit ) be universally true . and some say that of one only action a habit may be bred , which should be understood of morall actions , and those of worser sort : i will affirme that to breede a continuall custome in sinning , one only action is sufficient : but to doe well , there is need of many . the reason is cleere , for that the will of man being disposed to sinne , because it is called fomes peccati , the fewell of sinne , and for the miseries drawen upon it in its conception , one action alone leaveth in it a certaine inward disposition with which it becommeth easie , and disposed to like actions ; but the desire being so marred , corrupt and ill disposed to receive vertue , there needeth not only one vertuous action , but many , if any disposition or custome of doing well should remaine after it . by which you may judge that albeit a thousand disgraces fall upon us it were almost impossible for us to forsake our trade , nor change our life , having already turned it into a nature , and if this should be done , it should be needfull to make the world a new againe , more or lesse all wooll is haire , we are all of us of one brotherhood , no man is content with his state , he that hath most desireth more , that which costeth little agreeth best with us , and all ( as the proverbe goeth ) like well . but mishap be to that infortunat man who payeth for all ; for as the proverb saith , the gallowes are for all such , we rubbe all men , and for those sinnes some are hang'd , others are rich . happy are they who robbe hippocrates-like , i will speake as the physitians , whose faults the earth covereth , so that no man is able to accuse them , nor aske restitution of his life , and of the money which they have publickly rob'd and in the view of all the world . and though some of these be spirituall men , others temporall , notwithstanding all meete in the same way , and shoote at one marke : for there be also horseleeches which sucke the world sweetly , and wring their necke , with a sad dumpish countenance , and a faire shew colour their ambitious designes with godly words . and for them , it is said in the proverbe , the divell is behinde the crosse . there are others also , who though they wring not the necke , nor speake so much of god , apply neverthelesse the jurisdiction of their offices in favour of him that giveth them most ; who being lap't in long wide gownes making them to bee respected there is not a man that dare to give thē a word , nor shew by any signe the evil satisfaction that they have by them : but the wretched person that neither hath god in his mouth , nor barke wherwith to hide himselfe , if he be not very wise & prudent all the persecutions of the world hang about him at once , all men spit in his face , and he is the marke of all the abuses in the world : wherfore blame not our art before you understand it ; for you should so offend all the world & perhaps your selfe , sith no man liveth without fault . how much more if you knew what sweetnesse there is to gather the fruit where one hath not planted , and to find the in gathering in his garner & in his cellar , himself having neither fielde nor vineyard , you would even licke your fingers at it . is this a smal matter i pray you , that a man riseth in the morning not having penny nor farthing , nor knowing yet whence to have it for to nourish his family , and yet ere night he is worth a hundred crownes , & knoweth not whence they came ? is this a small matter in greatest sloth and necessitie to finde apparell cut and slasht without paying either for stuffe or making ? is there any such noblenesse in the world , as to be a gentleman without rents , and to have other mens goods so his own , as that hee may dispose of them at his will , without costing him any more but to take them ? doe you thinke it a small matter to be a marchant without a stocke , to gaine two hundreth for nothing , without crossing the seas , going to faire or market , not caring if the marchant turne banque-rupt , if the yeare be barren or plentiful , if wares be deare or cheape ? and if ye will take our trade by way of reputation or credit , doth it seeme a small thing to you , to finde one who will insure us our life , whatsoever wee doe , and to have at our becke some iudges , who save us from the lash from the gallies , from torture & from the gallowes only with a single & wel ▪ assured promise to satisfie them with the gaine of our next theft ? and that they do this not only for us , but for our friends , kindred and acquaintance ? abuse not yourselfe , and acknowledge that there is no life more assured in this world than ours , for instead of one displeasure that wee have , there are infinite pleasures and contentments to be enjoyed . and ●o thus much for my profession and trade . *⁎* chap. iiii. to him the thiefe relateth the life and death of his parents and the first disgrace that befell him . as for my race , you shall know that i am a man borne of a woman , in a town of this world , whose name i lost in a sicknesse which i had in the yeare sixe hundred and foure . my , father was called peter and my mother hope , people , though meane , honorable and vertuous , of good reputation and praise-worthy manners . and as for the goods of fortune , they were not so great , that they were able to give bribes , nor marry orphans out of their meanes , nor so meane , that they obliged themselves to aske almes , nor to subject themselves to any man , but they were people that knew how to live , and that had bread to eate , and clothes to put on . in all the course of their life there was nothing found that they could be reproched for , nor whereof they could be reproved , because they heeded no other thing ( particularly my mother ) but to keepe their honour and the good esteeme which they had gained , for which and for the freedoome and faire conditions of their proceedings and conversation ▪ all the world honored and loved them . but as vertue is ordinarily envied , and honest people persecuted , there was no want of malicious and wicked people , who by false and rash calumnies darkned the brightnesse and glistering of their good works & the cleannes of their life . they were accused ( i say ) to have robbed a church , to have spoiled the vestrie with the ornaments and chalices , and which is worse , to have cut off s. bartholomews hand , who was upon an altar ▪ which they said was of silver . an accusation as malicious as false , especially , for my mothers part , whose devotion towards the saints was so great , that when she went to church , if my father had not pull'd her out by the haire , or the sexton had not shut the doore against her , there was no meanes to make her come out of the church , although shee had beene three dayes without meate , and her devotion was so knowne to all the people , that she never came forth to the streete , but a thousand folke praied her to say some ave maria for women with child , sicke and other afflicted persons , having all of them great faith in her prayers . but as there are traitors enough to condemne a just man , and in this age innocency serveth to no purpose , if it be not favoured , for so much as the lawes goe as it pleaseth kings , it came to passe that notwithstanding the reproaches which they gave in against the witnesses , more than sufficient to refute the malice of the accusers , and to manifest the innocencie of the accused , they condemned them to die , and together with them a brother of mine , and my mothers nephew . verily the case was strange and scandalous , though false , and their death unjust : but whatsoever the cause i doe not envie them the profit , which let them eate with their bread , they shall not goe to rome for penance , for there is a god in the world that seeth all things , and seeing he punisheth that he will not suff●r one haire of the just to perish , it belongs to him to avenge the wrong done to his servants , for so i may call them , yea even martyrs , sith they constantly , suffered death for the love of god , they being accused of faults which they had not committed . a tricke , finally that they being poore , they were constrained to pay with their life , that which they were not able with their goods . i only may praise my selfe that i found some mercie with the iudges , in consideration of my young yeares , and of the small experience that i had ; yet the favour they shewed me , was a grace with sinne : because iustice left me my life , with condition that i shuld be the executioner of these martyres . i was very unwilling and did all i could , not to commit so execrable a crime as that is , to take away their lives that had given me mine : but it was impossible to excuse me , but by losing my life with them . wherefore i considering that a nother would doe that , which i refused , and of the other side the perswasion of my friends who with a great charge upon my conscience , counselled me to doe it , that so the whole kindred of my parents should not be lost , and that there should remaine some one in the world who might pray for them ; i put on a resolution to doe that which for any other respect i would never have done . but this is my comfort , which is not a little one to me , that my father gave me his blessing at the houre of his death forgiving me all that i could have committed in this world , against the respect and reverence , which i owed him , giving me also some wholesome counsels , and recommending to me vertue and the feare of god , above all that i should ever strive to be like my parents and that i should shew my selfe such a one as those of whom i was descended . with these reasons and some others i remained greatly comforted , and resolved to end my prison with their life . i was left an orphan , young , alone , or ill accompanied , and without counsell , without knowing what side to turne me to , for to maintaine that life which these gentlemen had left me , because that the cockering and good cheere in which my mother had bred me , had beene the especiall cause of my undoing , shee suffering me to live idlely and lazily . neverthelesse i seeing that the memorie of the good past brought me no profit , and that if i should live and eate bread it ought to be with the sweate of my browes , i determined to looke out for a master whom i might serve , or some handie-crafts-man with whom i might learne some trade , which was all in vaine , because that the accident of my parents being in fresh memorie , and their infamie yet late , i found not one that would receive me into his house , nay not so much as to be a groome of his stable : wherefore i was forced to leave the countrey , and to goe try my fortunes in a strange countrey . what countrey is that ( i asked him then ) in which your parents dwelt , because if i be not deceived in the discourse of your relation , you have changed its right name as also its surname , and your owne ? command me not , i beseech you , answered he , to breake a solemne oath which we of our profession have made amongst ourselves , which is never to reveale to any man our owne countrey , nor our parents name , this being supposed that it availeth little to the truth of my history to know it , and though it seemeth to you that it is no mysterie to conceale it , beleeve me you are deceived for so much that there is nothing more dangerous in our art , than to tell a mans true name , as well as of his countrey , as of his baptisme , seeing that as you know , albeit we be fallen a thousand times into the hands of iustice , and that we be as many times convicted of some crime , wee onely changing our name , we ever make it appeare that this is the first time that we have beene taken , and the first crime whereof we have ever bin accused , and no man knowing the name of our parents , nor of our countrey they cannot be informed of our lives & manners , nor our parents receive any shame from our disgrace seeing that as you may oftentimes haue seene , when they cōdemne a man the first words of his sentence say ; such a one , of such a place , the son of such a man & such a woman is condemned to be whipt or hanged such a day , moneth and yeare , from which proceedeth nothing else , but sorrow to him that dyeth , and dishonour to his parents . if this be so ( said i to him ) you have reason to hid it , & this being supposed that is not for your availe to telit , & it availeth not me to know it , let us leave it , and follow your historie . it fell out then ( said hee ) that about foure leagues from the place of my birth , i put my selfe apprentice to a shooemaker , it seeming to mee to be the most gainfull of all trades , especially in france , where all those that walke goe at it were post , even as if iustice were running after them , and where all shooe themselves against nature , that which is contained being greater than that which containeth that is to say , the foot greater than the shooe , whence it falleth out that the shooes last a very short while . i opened then mine eyes thither and bend my minde to this trade for that beside the gaine it was the most easie . but as from my infancie my parents had taught me to rip , it was not possible for me so suddenly to change the habite which i had already , turned into nature , and so sixe weeks past ere i could learne to set one right stitch . from this ignorance my master tooke occasion to disdaine me , breaking some lasts on my head , to see if they could leave some impression beside the continuall abstinence with which hee punisht me , some of his friends having said to him that it was a singular remedie — — — and quicken my wit . this life seemed not good to me nor to bee desired , wherefore i resolved to forsake it , and lay out for another more peaceable , knowing particularly in myselfe some motions of noblenesse , which inclined me to things higher and greater than to make shooes , wherefore i conclude with myselfe to search all meanes possible to bring me into the house of some man of qualitie and rich , being assured that with the faire conditions and readinesse that i had , my service should be well-pleasing to my master . verily the resolution was good , and the thoughts honourable and noble ; but so lame , maime and without force for want of meanes , and apparell to set them forward seeing that it is most certaine , that if with my hands waxed , my apron and other markes of a shoomaker i should have presented my selfe at the gate of some knight , they would not have suffered me to enter this difficultie held mee some few dayes in perplexitie without knowing how to enter upon my enterprises , notwithstanding making a vertue of necessitie , being vexed at the miserable life which i led , i determined to draw physicke out of the disease , and honie from the bees stings , and endeavouring to revenge my selfe on the spainsh lether and all shooe-makers . to this effect there came a notable boldnesse in my mind , yea and profitable enough and sure , if fortune who then was my enemie had not over-thrown my designes and my inventions , i considered that if i stole any thing out of the house , my shift should have beene discovered in an instant , and i as a stranger and friendlesse , beene ill dealt withall , particularly , with the hatred which my master bare towards me , & the harshnesse with which they are wont to punish houshold thefts in france . so rising on fryday morning earely than i had beene accustomed , rubbing my hands with waxe and also my face , i went with my apron girt to mee , and my hands all bedawbed , to runne through all the shops of the towne , especially those that were best acquainted with my master , and telling to every one that were in the shops , that the gentleman staid at my masters for a paire of bootes of the eights , to put them on incontinent , i asked for one boote to trie if it would fit him that desired them . none made any difficultie to give me it , thinking that a man could not be served with one boote alone , otherwise the most part of the shooe-makers knew me , and these who had never seene me were in a minute so well satisfied with my presence , that if the first finder out of the trade had come , they could not have given him more credite . with this invention i went almost through all the shops of the towne , ever heeding to aske for a boote of the same size , and last that the first was of : and the invention fell out so to the purpose , and with so great ease that in halfe an houres space , i gathered me then two hundred bootes all of one size , and of one fashion , which having tied up in a sacke , i laid them on my shoulders and betooke me to the way . the fact lay dead without suspition almost two houres , but seeing that i came not backe againe , nor returned the boots which i had carried away , nor tooke that which i had left , all of them suspected that which truely fell out . and so this time being past , moe than a hundred apprentices were at the doore where i dwelt , every one asking for his boote , which my master and some few of his neighbours , who loved mee not very well , seeing they told the iustice , who dividing themselves through the three gates of the citie , met mee not very farre from one of them , because the weight of my burthen suffered me not to get out of sight as i could have wisht . they brought me backe to the towne , and proceeding against mee for the fact yet hot and fresh in minde , they condemned me to walke foure houres through the accustomed streets ( that is to be scourged ) with three yeares banishment . chap. v. of the first theefe that was in the world and whence theft had its beginning . although this noble art had no other excellency but the antiquitie of its beginning and the noblenesse of the first finder out thereof , it might suffice to the end that every good wit should approve it for to be the most noble of all those which are practized at this day in the world , the first inventour thereof was one of the fairest angells that was , whose beautie , dignitie and greatnesse was so extolled and high , that the most curious of his perfection found no other title more proper to exalt him than that of the morning starre , governour of the dawning of the day , the sun's ambassadour . this then was the first thiefe that was in the world , or before the world , if it be true that the angells were created before time , who overcome by an ambitious desire , adventured rashly to robbe god of his glorie . but hee was degraded because iustice tooke him in the fact , and seazing upon all the goods that hee had , condemned him to perpetuall prison , and together with him all his associats . the second thiefe that ever was in the world was our first father adam , as bold as the angell , yet not so blame-worthie for being not so malicious in his sin , and of lesse knowledge , albeit i cannot be perswaded that hee was ignorant of the obediēce , which he owed to his creator , having knowledge infused in him . neverthelesse overcome by the importunate reasons of his wife , and tormented with an ambitious curiositie hee was desirous to steale the knowledge and wisedome of god . but it fell out as badly to him as to the angell , so that his fleeing and hiding himselfe served him to no purpose , for the iudge having asked him , and he not being able to deny the fact , for that he was taken in the fault , his state of innocencie and originall justice was taken away , he and all his race remaining condemned to spend their life with sweate , travell and mishaps , and his wife to bring forth her children with sorrow . and if you aske mee why god did not equally punish these two theeves , being guiltie of treason , and having attempted one and the same kinde of theft which is the divine perfection . it was to this purpose that i have heard spoken by a great doctour and preacher of the church ; because if god had punisht man with the same rigour that hee punisht the angell withall , he had destroyed an intire nature , seing that all men sinned in adam & so the world had remained imperfect . but in punishing the angell , this incōvenience followed not , because many other angels remained in heaven , and all the nature of angels sinned not , and this is the cause why god was not so severe to man as to the angels : but you shal better learn this curiositie from some other , who knoweth it better than i do . it is sufficient that those aforesaid theeves were the first that brought theft into credit in the world . and wee cannot say , that povertie and necessitie stirred them vp to steale , because the first was the noblest and mightiest of all the angells , and the second was the first of all men , king of the living creatures , and absolute lord of the earth . from thence is brought in the deceite which to the day , this world seeth , beleeving that poverty was the finder out of theft , seeing it is riches and prosperitie , because the love & desire of honour and riches groweth so much the more as it is increased , as a poet saith very well . ambition being an unsatiable fire , in which how much more wood is laid , so much the more it is inflamed , and a dropsie , in which the more one drinketh , the more hee thirsteth . even so in those great theeves , the great riches and prosperitie which they had , was the cause of their unruly appetite , and unsatiable ambition , for that they desiring that which they had not , they could not attempt any other theft , but the glorie and wisedome of god , seeing they possessed all the rest . whence you shall understand , that to steale and robbe is in a sort naturall to man , and that it goeth by inheritance , and propagation in all the linage of men , and not by cunning . for if it be true that we all are partakers of adams sinne , his sin being nothing else but to robbe god of his knowledge , it is evident , that there is in vs an inclination , disposition and naturall desire to robbe and steale . from adam this profession was extended to all his posteritie , being alwayes kept on foote amongst the most noble and best qualified of all his children . so cain , as jealous of this originall vertue , would needs steale from his brother abel the grace and particular favour with which god received his oblations and sacrifices . iacob cunningly rob'd the blessing from his brother esau , and it went well with him . david the wife of vriah . achab though himselfe a rich king stole naboths vineyard . and finally nimrod by theft subdued all the inhabitants of assyria . and if leaving these and other theeves almost innumerable , which holy writing relate unto us , wee take the examples that humane histories rehearse unto us , we shall see that this singular art hath beene alwayes preserved among the nobilitie , sith paris stole helen , ravisht before that by theseus ; the same theseus stole ariadne , and iason medea . the lacedemonians , of whose policie and good government plutarch maketh honorable mention had this laudable and vertuous custome of stealing , and hee that was most cunning and subtile in that art , was in greatest account and estimation amongst them . the very mothers taught their children , while they were but little ones , to steale , holding it for an infallible point of policie , that they could never be good and brave souldiers , if they had not beene cunning and well experienced theeves . i will not tarrie now to tell the name and reputation which vircat got himselfe by his thefts , nor the renowne which crocota deserved by them in the time of augustus caesar , for i should never have done . *⁎* ⁎ * chap. vi . the theefe followeth his historie proving that all men of what qualitie so ever are theeves . this noble profession of stealing hath evermore ( as i have said ) beene held in high esteeme amongst the greatest and best qualified men of the world : but as there is no kinde of vertue nor noblenesse , which is not envied by the vulgar , it became in time so ordinarie & common that there was not so very a butcher or porter who would not imitate the nobilitie in their thefts . whence and from the little discretion and exceeding great boldnesse that then was amongst people , it was one time so disdained and disliked that those who did openly follow it , were punished with shamefull paines and accounted infamous . but as all things of the world have their contrary weights ; time would needs finde a remedie for this abuse , seeking meanes to steale without punishment , and so disguised , that not only theft seemed not vice , but was esteemed a rare and singular vertue . to this end many brave spirits invented the diversitie of offices and charges which to this day are exercised in the world , every one of which serveth for a maske or cloake to make his harvest and inrich himselfe with another mans goods . and to the end that you may not judge my words rash , nor my proposition too bold , runne , i pray you , over all states that are in the common-wealth , and you shall finde that wee all are the children of adam . for i thus argue . that man that hath an office of a thousand crownes of rent , without any other living , pension or patrimonie , & holds a house for which hee payes eight hundreth grownes a yeare , keepes a horse & two pages and a footeman , his wife and two waiting gentlewomen , his children and a master to teach them , who to keepe all this traine hath neede of more then a thousand crownes every yeare , yet notwithstanding with all this charge he is found at the yeares end with two suites of apparell , free from debts & with five hundreth crownes of gaine , and yet it rained no more on his field than on other mens , nor hath he inherited any thing of any of his parents or friends . ergo a theefe . a tailer that eats more than it cost him , and at sixe yeares end gives ten thousand crownes portion in marriage with his daughter , never medling with other trade save his needle and his sheeres . ergo a theefe . a shooe-maker that keepes six prentices in his shop , and workes but foure daies a weeke ; and those not wholly at three yeares end that two tenements builded in the fairest streets of the towne , every one of which is worth two him three hundreth pounds of yearely rent , without any other stocke , but that of his leather ergo a theefe . the clerke who for every sheete of paper that he writes hath but a shilling , and who writes scarcely , sixe moneths of the whole yeare , which are hardly ended but hee is seene to have his velvet stooles , damaske courtains , silke-hangings , and other rich ornaments , which never came to him by heritage . ergo a theefe . of the same kinde you shal find in all offices giving you to understand , that i doe not speake here of the good and honest , but of the lewd and baser sort , who blinded with profit and gain treade under their feete the feare of god , the love of their neighbour , and the truth of their own cōscience ( who force the poore and needy to take sixe pence for that , which they sell in their shops for twelue pence ) & it is , i say , of those by whom the evills , that i have mentioned ought to be understood . and by reason that the great attention with which you doe harken to my reasons , discovereth the desire that you have to know all that can be said upon this subject , i will shew briefly the invention and deceits which the naughtie tradesmen use for to robbe and steale . the tailer stealeth asking a third part more of cloth , then there needeth to make a sute of : and when he that putteth it out to making , presuming to be wise enough for the tailer , would be by to see it cut , he vexeth him , and casts a mist over his eyes marking foure houres along the peece and overthwart , and when hee hath at last dazeld him with a great many strokes and lines with his chalke , hee throweth a false ply under the sheeres with which at the cutting of a paire of breeches one breech abideth with him for his gain , besides buttons , silke , lace , and lynings . the linnen weaver stealeth in asking more yarne than the web hath neede of , laying fiftie ells instead of five and fortie and with the remainder of many broken threeds he pincheth out the length , which makes worth to him the eight part , all which he stealeth . the cord wainer restoreth with his teeth that which hee stealeth with his — biting and drawing thinne the leather , so that of one paire of shooes which one giveth him to make , there resteth to him at least an upper lether or a heele for a third . and if the lether be his owne , he sets on a rotten soale with rotten threed , to the end it may be the sooner spoil'd and fall off , which i thinke but stealing . the physitian and the chirurgion both steale , the one appointing and th'other applying plasters , which feed the disease and make it worse to the end that the time of the cure continuing long , the fees may be the greater and the more . the apothecarie ●●ealeth with a quid pro quo — putting in one drugge for another , and taking that which is cheapest , not considering what humour should be purged , and what vertue the drugge hath which he applyeth , in which hee stealeth the honour and reputation of the physitian , and the sick persons life . and if haply any call for an oile which he hath not , he wil not faile to give of that which hee hath for oile of — or other costly oyle which any shall have asked them , that they may not lose the credit of their shop . the marchant stealeth in putting out his money upon use , taking more than the statute alloweth , and writing downe in his booke such a debt , which , it may be , shall be thrice paid , the notary stealeth with an ( &c. et coetera ) a whole lordship , and if there be a question of any criminall processe , the scrivener for money that he shall take of a forfeit , will sell the soule of the poore innocent . the counsellour & the atturney steale selling a thousand lies to the poore client , making him to understand , that he shall win his cause , albeit they see cleerely that he hath no right at all ; and many times it falleth out that the lawyer agreeth with another to sell the parties right and part the gaine betweene them . the iudge stealeth iustice from this man , having pitie on him , who by some bribe shall have already corrupted him , wresting violently the texts of bartole and baldus for his own profit . the drugster and other marchants , that sell by weight steale , putting under the scale a very thinne plate of leade , where they put that which they would weigh , with which they shew that there is more then weight , albeit there be many ounces , and when they doe not that , with their little finger they touch the tongue of the ballance with which they make the scale sway to what side they will . the vintner stealeth a hundreth thousand wayes , mixing and blending one wine with another , beside the water that hee putteth amongst it , and when his wine by the force of so much mingling and watering hath his strength , hee hangeth amongst the lees a little bagge full of cloves , pepper , ginger and other spices , with which he makes it still seeme to be good . the butcher also stealeth blowing up his meate with a cane , that so they may seeme the bigger , and that he may sell them at a deerer rate than they are worth . the treasurer stealeth the third part , yea the halfe of a pension , when a poore needie man asketh him , because that hee , who should receive it , being drown'd in debt or charged with some vrgent necessitie , denieth not to give the halfe , nor makes he any conscience to demandit . the marshall stealeth taking a poore harmelesse man , and laying him in hold never telling him for what , and at the end of three or foure dayes that hee keepeth him in a chaine , sends a divell of those that belong to the prison , to tell him that hee is accused for making of false coine , and that there are ten witnesses who have given evidence against him : but that for the respect of some of his friends , hee will set him at libertie some evening , if he will give him a hundreth crownes to give content to the witnesses , and to make them in some sort to hold their tongues , whereby the poore wretch being sore affrighted , selleth all to the shirt on his backe to be rid of so great affliction . the courtier stealeth the report of a favorite , ascribing to himselfe that which another receiveth : because being loaded with feathers , brusling up himselfe , poised and straighter than a spindle he goeth to the court , and hearing , at the gate , or in the court-yarde where the pages waite , some newes , hee returneth to see his friends , and gives them to understand , that the king drew him aside , speaking secretly to him two houres , and amongst other things hee told the newes that hee brings . the perfumer stealeth mingling the perfumes and multiplying the muske with a cowes liver rosted , the amber-grees with sope and sand , and the sivet with some butter . the priest stealeth , saying foure masses instead of forty for which hee hath bin paid beside the monie that he receives for yearely masses for the dead , answers and other duties which he never remembers . the religious ( monkes and friers ) steale whole patrimonies , assaulting with a grave countenance and a wry necke a poore sicke man at the point of death , and laying before him a mountaine of doubts and burthens of conscience , turning and stirring them up to pious deeds , applying to their own monasterie all that which he was bound to restore , without ever making any scruple of conscience to leave halfe a dozen of orphans defeated of their inheritance , and the sicke mans wife to live upon almes . the preacher stealeth , picking from s. thomas and s. austin the best of their workes , and having robbed them to their very thoughts , selleth in the pulpit their doctrine as though it were his owne making himselfe the inventor and author of that which belongeth not unto him . the blind man stealeth the halfe of every song that he singeth , because that having received money from him that biddeth him sing , and it seeming to him that he is gone from him three or foure paces , he beginneth againe his first tune , and asketh a new that some body would make him sing another . the begger stealeth telling a thousand lyes to him that giveth the almes , saying that he hath bin robbed , that he hath beene sicke , that his father is in prison , and counterfeiting himself lame , with which hee pulleth from men their almes . finally , all doe steale , and every handy-crafts man hath his own invention and particular subtiltie to this effect : but seeing there is no rule fo generall , that hath not its exception , wee may exclude from the number of theeves all those that have a good conscience , as foote-men , hostlers , cookes , sergeants , iailers , under-jaillers , panders , bawdes , ruffians and whores . ( *⁎* ) chap. vii . of the difference and variety ▪ of theeves . all the theeves aforesaid are called discreete , because that every one in his place striveth to cover theft the best hee can , transforming it into nobilitie and vertue , and this manner of stealing is the safest and most secret . of these there is as great varietie and difference , as there are severall offices in the common-weale , yea there are other theeves who steale openly and without maske : who , although they are not so many in number as the former , are notwithstanding moe , and their differences are as many as there are inventions to steale , which being redacted into a shorter number , are divided into robbers , staffadours , drawers of wooll , grunets , apostles cigarets , dacians , mallets cut-purses , satyrs , devont , and governours of the house . the robbers steale upon the high wayes and solitarie places with great cruelty and tyrannie , because that seldome doe they robbe without killing , fearing to be discovered and followed by justice . the meanes & slights that they have to coine to their purposes are diverse : for sometimes they will follow a man fifteene dayes never losing the sight of him , waiting while hee goe out of the towne . and the better to over-reach him one of the companie goeth disguised in a marchants habit , a guest of the same inne , with a certaine packe of old cloth , or some other invention , giving to understand that he is a strange country marchant , and feareth to travell alone . with this lye he falleth into discourse with the poore marchant or passenger craftily getting out of him , that which hee desireth to know , & learning whence he is , whether he goeth , what marchandise he carrieth , or what businesse he goeth , about , and when he is to be gone , whereof giving notice to his companions , they lye in waite for him at some place most convenient for their purpose . others make themselues lurking holes behinde some bushes , growne up to the thicknesse of a wood , and when they perceive a far off , or by some spie , a passenger , they lay in the middle of the way a purse made fast , some shew of money , or a little budget , that in the meane time while he alighteth and staieth to take it up , they may come timely enough to take from him that he carrieth . others being hid in the most secret places of the high way , send one of their companie in carriers clothes , who seeing the passenger approach stayes to looke on him , and making shew to know him and to have some letters for him , & holding him in talke , busieth him in such fashion , that the others have the time and meanes to surround him . others lying somewhat out of the way , faigne a lamentable and pitifull voyce , with which they tye the passenger to stay , and to goe see what it is , and while he that makes this moane deceitfully declareth his griefe , the ambush leapeth out that strippeth him to his shirt . your staffadours are a second sort of robbers , little differing from the former , though more courteous , and not so bloudy ; those goe calmely into the house of some marchant , and not finding him there , seeke for him at great leasure , at the exchange , in the fields , at church , and in the middle of a thousand people , drawes neere to him softly talking in his eare , making as though hee would communicate to him some busines of great importance , and shewing him a dagger , saith , this dagger demandeth a hundreth crownes , brought to such a place , such a day , and if you doe it not , you shall die for it . the poore marchant sore affrighted by such words dareth not to misse , for feare to be killed . the wooll-drawers take their name from the theft they practise , which is to snatch cloakes in the night , and these have no other cunning save the occasion : they goe ever by threes or foures betweene nine or ten a clock at night , and if they do finde a fit opportunitie they let it not slip . most commonly they come forth to snatch cloakes in the darkest and rainest nights , and to them places which they see is most quiet and most out of the way , at least upon the one side , to the end that the neighbours may not come forth ( at the outcryes and noise which the robbed are commonly wont to make ) and take them . these same are accustomed sometimes to go in lackeyes clothes to come in to some maske or feast , making shew to looke for their masters , and with this liberty , they meete with a heape of cloakes , that the gentlemen use to leave in the hall , being sure that no body will meddle with them they in the view of all in the place , nimbly take up two or three on their shoulders , and get them gone with them ; saluting all those whom they meete , with cap in hand . the grumets take their name from the likenesse that they have to those young boyes in ships , who clime up with great nimblenesse , by the tacklings to the top of the mast ; and the sailers call them cats or grumets . those that beare this name steale by night , climing up lightly , by a ladder of ropes , at the end of which they have two little hookes of iron , to the end that throwing them up to the window ; it may catch hold there and they easily get up and empty the house . these runne about the city and the country , stealing not onely gold and silver , but also wheate , rye , barley , oates , and finally all that ever they doe finde , and when they have plaid their prize , they cunningly tye a line made fast to the point of the little hookes , which , after they are come downe , they drawing , the two hookes are raised and the ladder falleth , without ever leaving any print or marke of the theft . the apostles take their name from s. peter , because that even as hee beares the keyes of heaven , so also they ordinarily carry a picklocke or vniversall key with which they open all manner of doores , and because of too much noise , that the locke may not rattle , and awaken the people a sleep , they put in a plate of leade with which they breake it in peeces , so that they who lie neerest can perceive nothing . those whom they call cigarets , have for their particular office to haunt churches feasts and publique assemblies , at which they cut off the halfe of a cloake , cassock sleeves , halfe a gowne , the quarter of a jumpe and finally whatsoever they finde , for of all these they make money . the devout are church ▪ theeves , because there are no easters , pardons , nor iubilie which they visite not : they are continually on their knees in the monasteries , — having their beades in their hands , to cloake their knavery , waiting their time , either under some altar , or behinde some table , on the eeve of some solemne feast , to the end that they may get out by night . — and to spoile the image of all the ornaments about them . in this sort of theft they do moreover adventure into the monasteries of the religious as well as into other churches , because that as they are charitable , and feare to be accounted disorderly , they seldome put a theefe into the hands of justice , and for all the mischiefe that hee commits a man getteth out of their hands , chastised with one onely discipline all about the cloisters by a procession of monks who charge him ; after his amendment , to feare god . the satyrs are men living wilde in the fields , that keepe their holds and dwelling in the countrey and forsaken places , stealing horses , kine , sheepe and all kinde of cattle which by occasion come in their walke . the dacians are cruell , mercilesse people , held in our common-weales in lesse account than th'other theeves : these steale children of three or foure yeares old , and breaking their armes and legges lame and disfigure them , that they may afterwards sell them to beggers , blinde folkes and other vagabonds . the overseers of the house have this name frō the particular care that they have to looke out for provision of bread , meate , and other victualls to feede their companions , and as there is not any thing in the world that a man loveth better than to eate and drinke , the inventions and meanes that theeves have , are so severall and so exquisite that it is impossible to tell them all . some are accustomed three or foure to meete in the twilight at night and taking a bottle of five or sixe pottles with a fourth part of water in it , they goe to a taverne bidding them fill the bottle with the wine in the house , and having agreed for the price , the poore vintner beginneth to measure while it be almost full , then they make shew of a desire to taste it , if it be the wine that they bought at the beginning , and scarcely have they tasted it when bending their browes , casting up their eyes and wrying their nose they cry out at the wretched vintner , saying that he is a theefe and a deceiver , who hath changed them their wine . the poore fellow seeing that his oathes and curses availe nothing , is content to take his wine again and to take out the bottle the measures that hee had put in , by which meanes they have a fourth part left so well seasoned that it may passe for wine of sixe pence a quart . other whiles they goe five or sixe in companie to the taverne with two great pots so like th'one to the other , that very hardly can there any difference be perceived betweene them ; they carry th'one emptie and the other full of water under his cloak , and biddes them fill the emptie one with the best wine that they have , never taking care for the price , and it being full , the one of them takes it under his cloake , and the other staies reckoning with the vintner , holding his purse in his hand and making shew to pay him : being upon these termes , the others come in , and aske alowd whether or no they shall suppe there , which the vintner seeing , allured presently by the gaine that hee shall make if they suppe at his house , perswades them to stay , and they take his counsell determining to goe to the cookes to buy some joynt for supper , and to call backe the rest of their comerads , leaving the pot full of water to the vintner , that he may keepe it in the meane while till they come backe , with which he remaineth contented and well assured , thinking hith himselfe , that though they never returne , the pot notwithstanding shall remaine with him for his gaines . as for the provision of flesh , poulterie and other things they have a thousand inventions , whereof i will tell you one only which hapned long agoe to one of my copsemates . it was , if i rightly remember , on a holy saturdayes market , in which they sold great store of hennes , partridges , rabbets , pullets and other things against the feastivall day . three of the company went out to seeke for provision , dividing themselves every one to his owne walke , the two met with a countrey-clown loaded with capons and partridges , which were in the market ; one of them drew neare to buy up all that he had , & cheapning a quarter of an houre with the clowne , agreed to give him ten nobles for all his ware , giving it to his fellow to carry it home , and he stayed behinde with his hand in his pocket , making as if he would pay him . he searcheth both the sides , of his hose , drawing out first a great purse , next a little one , afterwards a hand-kerchertyed in knots with some papers folded up , with which he inchanted the clown , and gave his companion time and leasure enough to get him out of fight , and at last not finding in all his budgets the whole summe , he bids the clowne follow him and he should pay him . the clown was content , and beginneth to follow him with diligence , and almost on the trot , because that as my companion had an intention , to get out of sight crossing the streets and lanes he walk't a ▪ pace with posting speede . but seeing himselfe so closely followed by the clown he went into the cloister of the austin friers , where there were some friers confessing folkes , and having made a devout prayer , hee turned himselfe towards the clown , saying to him , my friend , the provision that you have sold me is for this house , and that father , who is there a confessing is the proctour , i will goe tell him that he must pay you ; and speaking thus , he comes to one of the confessors : with the clown after him , and turning a little aside hee put sixe pence into his hand , and whispers him in the eare saying , father , this country man is one of my acquaintance , and commeth hither to be confest , he lives sixe miles hence , and he must of necessitie goe backe to his house this evening , i beseech you to do me the favour to confesse him out of hand and let him goe . the good father obliged by the almes given aforehand , promist him , that when hee had ended the penitents confession whom he had at his feete , hee should dispatch him presently . with this answer , he called to the clown , and said to him , friend , the father will dispatch you by and by , when he hath made an end of confessing this man , to which the father added goe , not hence , i will give you content presently . with these words my companion parted from them , and the country-man staid , reckoning on his fingers the money that hee should lay out on shooes , hat and other trifles which hee minded to buy as well for himselfe , as for his familie out of his poultry money . the penitent makes an end of his confession , and the father makes a signe to the clown to draw neere ; the clown was not in so trembling a perplexitie , with so great hast as those who come to confession , which the good father was much offended at , it seeming to him that he had little devotion and lesse humility to be confest . the clown stood bolt upright , looking heedfully upon the confessor , to see if he should put his hand in his pocket , and the confessor look't upon the clown in like manner , astonisht to see him stand with so little devotion . notwithstanding excusing him because of simplicitie which is ordinarie to these country people , hee biddes him , kneele . the clowne at the beginning made some resistance , thinking it to be an extraordinarie ceremonie for one to kneele to receive money , neverthelesse at last he did it though grumbling . the father bids him make the signe of the crosse , and say his confession , whereat the clown lost all patience , beleeving the confessor to be out of his wits , and standing up beginneth to mumble within his teeth and to sweare with great obstinacie . this assured the confessor that the clown was possest with a devill , and having made the signe of the crosse beginneth to conjure him , putting s. austins girdle about his head , and saying some devout prayers , with which the clowne went out of his wits , taking the good father by the surplis and casting him down upon the ground , demanding aloud mony for his poultry . the father supposing that hee had all the fiends of hell together upon him , beginneth to say , the letanie with a weake and affrighted voyce , and to commend himselfe to all the saints in the almanacke , praying them to aid him . at the clamour and noise , the whole convent began to be troubled , all the monkes comming out in procession with the crosse and the candlestickes , casting holy water on every side , and beleeving that there was a legion of devils in the church , they came thither where the confessour was at debate with the clown , who still was asking money , for his poultry , & the prior having asked the cōfessour concerning this accident & having also heard the clownes reason , the justice of them both was discover'd with my cōpanions wicked deede . in the end some devout persons who were in the church , paid the clown his monies who went backe contented unto his house . chap. viii . the theefe continueth the differences among theeves with three disgraces that befell him . the cut-purses are the commonest theeves of our common-weale , who have an endlesse deale of meanes and wayes to steale . all their studie consisteth in thrusting their hand in the pocket of whom they approach , and cunningly to draw his purse from him ( he not perceiving it ) with all that hee hath in it . these haunt the churches , sermons , faires , assemblies & publicke meetings , that they may worke their feate in the throng , he that takes the purse gives it presently to another that is by him , that if he should be taken with his hand in his pocket , he might prove them lyars and cleare himselfe before all the world . i will tell you a wittie tricke which i once plotted , though it fell out but badly by me , seeing that the heedfulnesse , with which you hearken to me , makes me know that you are not wearie to heare me . the last yeere there came to london a marchant of italie , rich , courteous and of good carriage , who being in rouled by our spies i tooke the charge upon me to deale with him . i rose that day betimes in the morning , lest i should lose the occasion , and after i had dog'd him through many streets , lanes and churches ( for he was verily a good christian ) wee came to a crowd of marchants wont to be kept in the exchange about eleven a clock , seeing him alone , i came to him , talking to him of a bargaine very profitable & certaine , which made him open his eyes , and listen heedfully to my reasons . then seeing him thus fitted to my inventions , i winded him gently into a maze of difficulties , in such sort , that i never ceast to declare to him the businesse , nor he to learne the circumstances . my camerade then drew neare making shew as if he knew me not ; and to be desirous to interpret the traffick for him which i had propounded , whereupon the marchant began to take no more heede to me , and i to thinke evermore of him . i put secretly my fingers in his pocket to try the depth and breadth thereof , & perceived that it and its masters little care gave me free liberty to put in all my hand . i did so and at the first essay , i drew his purse , at the second a silver watch , which he carried tied to a small goldchaine , with which i might have bin content if stealing could be limited . i was resolved to try the third time , to see if i could draw thence a holland hankercher , which before he had shewed edged with curious bonelace , but i could not be so nimble to draw it , nor my companion to hold him in talke , but he felt me , and running to save his pocket with his hand he could not misse but meete with mine , wherewith being vext and suspitious , he presently knew that he had lost his purse and his watch , and not finding them he tooke me by the necke , crying a theefe a theefe . i foreseeing the evill that might befall mee ( for astrologie is very necessary for a theefe ) had given the purse and watch from underneath my cloake to my companion , as soone as ever i had drawne it , who was but only two steps from me : wherefore with the assurance that i had , that he would finde about me that which he sought , i scorned all he said , giving him the lie a thousand times . the marchant holding me fast by the coller , with a loude voyce calling for his purse , in such fort that he made all upon the place to gather together . but my camerade seeing that my honor runne a great hazard , if the businesse should be proved amongst so many people , secretly calls a crier who was at a corner of the place , whom he made cry , if any one had lost a purse and a silver watch , that he should come to him , & give true tokens therof , he would restore them , and withall departed the place . hardly was the sound of the first cry heard but my good italian let me goe , intreating me with great humilitie to forgive him the rash judgement conceived of me , which i did at the request of the companie , and presently got me out of sight . he went as nimble as a roe to seeke for the cryer , and having found him he gave the true tokens of his losse , but he that had bid him doe it could not be found any more ; and so i escaped this dangerous accident . the duendes a larins so called for the likenesse that they have with the spirits of this name , begin to walke through the towne in the evening , and finding some doore open , they enter softly , hiding themselves in the cellar , in the stable , or in some other dark secret place , to the end they may throw out at windowes all that is in the house , when those within are fast a-sleepe . i adventured once to play such a pranke , and turne my selfe in an angell of darkenesse , but i was deceived . it fell out then , that one night on the eeve of a high holy-day i went to seeke my fortune , my mishap made me meete with a doore halfe open , into which thrusting my head i saw that all my body might enter , i went up a paire of staires to a great chamber well furnisht and fitted , and thinking that it was a safe course for me to hide my selfe under a bed , while these of the house were gone to rest , i did so . after foure houres that i had laien all along on the flower , i heard a noyse of folks , comming up suddenly into the chamber , you neede not aske if i was heedfull to see who they were , and by and by with the light of a candle i saw the feete of two footmen and one maide laying the cloth with great diligence , and were making of a fire , because the master of the house was to suppe there . the table furnish't with sundry dishes of meate , foure or five sate downe , besides the children that were in the house . i was then so affrighted and confounded , that i thinke verily if the noise of their voyces and the great number of children had not hindred them , they might have heard plainely the beating of my joynts , because my buttockes beate so hard one against the other , that i thinke the noise might have bin heard halfe a mile off . by mischance there was a little dogge , that runne about gnawing the bones that fell from the table , and one of the children having thrown him a bone , a cat that watch't under the table was more nimble to catchit with which she run away to hide her under the bed , the dog grinning and pressing to take the bone from her , but the cat could so well use her clawes and defend her prize , that having given the dog on the nose two or three blowes with her paw , there began so great a skirmish , and there was such a hurly burly between them , that one of the waiters tooke a great fireshouell that was in the chimney and cast it so furiously under the bed , that if , as it gave me over the nose with the broad side , it had lighted on me with the end , it had kill'd me out-right . the blow was so great , that i was above halfe an houre ere i could come to my selfe , but it made the cat come out like a thunder from under the bed , and the dog staied grinning and barking with such a fury that neither fawning nor threatning of mine could quiet him , wherat the waiters at table were so vext that they began to chase him out , throwing fire-brands at him , which made him come out from under the bed , and leave me there in the pangs of death . the dogges noise was done , and there began another in my guts , so violent , that to stay the sudden rumbling of a flux in my belly , which the apprehension and feare had moved i was constrained to sneeze thrice , & with the force of my sneezing to wrong my breeches by the liberty of that unjust violence . these two noises met together , and making one of two , increast so much the force , that it made all at table rise , and take off the candles , to fee what was this novelty . they pulled me out , but i could give no reason that could be heard , nor humble suing that could be admitted , so i remained subject to the rigour of their vengeance , they stript me starke naked and binding me hand and foote , they began to scorch me with a lighted torch not without loud laughing , and after they had satisfied their furious passion , they put me in the hands of iustice , out of whose power i escaped signed and sealed . the mallettes are a sort of theeves who hazard themselves upon great perills and inconveniences , for they are made up in a bale , basket or dry fat , faining that it is certaine marchandise sent over , which they make some one or other of their friends in marchants apparell carrie from one house to another , that when night commeth and every one being fast a sleepe , he cutteth the cloth with a knife , hee breaketh forth to empty the house . i was one of those when the fourth disgrace befell me , because a friend of mine having counterfeited to have foure bales to be laid by night in a rich goldsmithes house , counsel'd me to be pack't up in one of them , covering the sides thereof with cloth and webs of fustian . the goldsmith made no difficultie to receive them , forsomuch as he had not them in keeping but a little while , and that he thought , if the owner in the meane time should happen to die , some one of them might fall to his share , so he made them to be laid in his backe-shop , whereby i was well assured to worke my feate . i waited while night with such desires as that plot deserved , which notwithstanding fell out to my disgrace ; for three or foure prentises meeting that night in the house , of intention to tarrie there upon occasion of the bales , resolving to lay them together , and lye upon them . after supper , every one withdrew himselfe . the prentises fitting the unhappy bed , or to say rather , the bale , in which i was in the middle of the others , on which they began to sleepe so soundly , that one might have drawne them a mile and never awakened them . i being impatient of the exceeding great weight that i felt , not daring to stirre my selfe more then i had bin dead ; and on the other part the little breath that i had , being choaked , i began to stirre my selfe a little , and seeing the unmoveable weight of that which was on me ; i certainly beleeved that they had layd a bale upon me ; with which imagination , and the extreme anguish that i suffred , i drew a sharpe knife , and thrusting it up , i made a great hole in the tillet of the bale , and a huge deepe wound in the buttocks of him that lay upon me . hee rose like a thunder raising his voyce to the heavens , calling for neighbours helpe and the iustices aide , thinking that some one of his companions would have kill'd him . the confused noise of all the neighbours , and the alarum was so great , that ere the master of the house had lighted a candle , the iustice beating open the doore came in , and finde the poore wounded fellow in his shirt bleed and faint , and the other vexed and confounded , takes the deposition of him that was wounded never taking notice of the bale , nor comming neere it , thinking that it was not needful to know the place where hee was hurt . but the goldsmith , who attentively hearkened to the iustice , and beheld the circumstances of the fact , seeing the poore-hurt fellow all bloudie , supposed that the bales and the cloth in them might be bloudy and spoil'd and he bound to pay them , and with this unquietnesse he came neere to looke on the bale , and seeing it cut thrust in his fingers to trie if nothing was spoil'd , and he mist not to finde my bearde . i could very well have bitten him if i had thought it had bin the best of my play , but i lay quiet , thinking that he would never guesse what it was . he held the torch nigher to the hole , and stooping to see that he had touch't , the waxe began to melt and drop upon my face , which forced me to remove a little , and him to marre all , crying aloud . theeves , theeves . the iudge came neere , who was yet making one write the deposition of the hurt man , and opening the bale , they found one within it . they carried me to prison , whence i came out at the seventh day after at a cartes taile well accompanied , beside other favours that they did me , whereof the greatest was to condemne me to the gallies . all the aforesaid theeves have ordinarily their spies at exchanges , faires and common markets , viewing all that goe and come , and learning what money they carrie , how much , and in what sort , where they leave it , and in what hands , to give notice thereof to the companie . and herein there is such diligence , and so great care , that there commeth not any stranger to the towne , but in a quarter of an houre after he is registred in our booke with all his qualities : to wit , whence he commeth whither hee goeth , and what is his trafficke : and if there be any negligence herein , the spies that have these places of the citie in their charge , lose the profit and gaine that should come to them that day , out of the common purse , beside a shamefull reproofe which our captaine giveth them in presence of all the other theeves . ( *⁎* ) chap. ix . wherein the theefe relateth his wittie diligence to free himselfe out of the gallies of marseiles . you may thinke , i had no great maw to that journey , which these gentlemen commanded me towards marseils , sith there could be no pleasure in that which is done upon constraint . neverthelesse i obeyed with great resolution , hoping that fortune would offer some good occasion to set me at libertie : so all my studie and care was onely to finde out the means to attaine to this end . and having tried many which came to no effect , he practized one which might have hapned well , if fortune had bin content with my past troubles , and had not made mee fall any more in the tryall thereof . the invention then was on this wise . the captaine of the gallie , where i was slave , being exceedingly in love with a lady of good ranke , and she in no wise loving him , hee tried all meanes ( though impossible ) to bring her to his bow , and as is usuall with lovers to be the more inflamed when they finde their beloved hard to be won , the ladies extreme coldnesse was burning coales to the captaine , in such sort that he never enjoyed rest but when he was talking of his love . i having got knowledge by the report of a slave that went daily to my masters house , there to carrie water , wood , and other necessaries , determined to try my fortune , and not lose the occasion . so i spake him kindly , promising him that if he would faithfully ayde me , that he might hope assuredly for his liberty , whereof i would as well make him certaine as of mine own . the good antony , ( for so the slave was called , ) put so much trust in my words , hearing me speake of libertie which i had promist him , that waited but for the houre to be employed in that which i did intreate him , and he thought there was not time enough ; hoping with great impatiēce , that i should declare to him that which he was to doe for me : who seeing him so well minded on my behalfe , and otherwise sillie , faithfull and true , i shewed him my resolution , recommending to him secrecie , and wisedome above all things . i said thus unto him , my friend antony , know that it is long since i have desired to impart a secret to thee , which i will tell thee of : but as all things require wisedome , patience , and the occasion , i have not done till now ; because i thought it not fitting till now to do it : as also , because not being so satisfied ( as i am this present ) of thy goodnesse , seeing , as the proverb saith , one should eate a bushell of salt with his friend ere he trust him . thou knowest well our masters love with this lady that dwelleth by the great church , and how much he is out of kelter for her , yet never having received one favour of her , after so long time spent in her service , and so many duckets spent in vaine for love of her . now if i should finde a meane and assured invention , to make him without the spending of one shilling , or troubling her doores enjoy his pleasure , what reckoning would the captain make of this service , and what reward would he give him who should bestow on him that which he so earnestly desireth ? verily ( answered antonie ) i hold for certaine that he would turne foole at his contentment , and not only would he give thee thy libertie , but also to all those for whom thou shalt aske . go to friend , said i , if thou hast any particular acquaintance with some one of them who are most familiar and best liked in the captaines house , thou must acquaint him with this businesse , that he may tell him , and assure him that i will doubtlesse doe that i promise , and i counsell thee that it be not delayed . the content which antony received was so great , that without bidding me farewell , nor answering me one word , he went from me like a lightning intreating a souldier of the gallie , that he would bring him into the captaines house , to talke with him of a matter of great importance . he was there , and could give order for my businesse , that halfe an houre after , the governour of the house came to the master of the gallie , charging him to send me with a souldier to the captaine , because he would see me . the quicke effect which antonies diligence wrought , gave me extreme great contentment , and made me hope that so good a beginning would bring my designes to a happie end . finally , i was at my captaines house , tattard , torne , and naked , and with a great chaine tyed to my foote . he comming to meete me , as if i had bin a man of great ranke , and laying his hand upon my shaven head , began to talke kindly to me , asking me what country-man i was , what was my name , and why i was condemned to the gallies . and i having answered him in a dissembling manner , and lying the best i could , he drew me aside , to a corner of the chamber , asking if that which antony had promist him , was certaine , sir , answered i him , i know not what he hath said , nor what promise he hath made , yet i will tell you , that if he hath spoken according to that which i told him , all is true , without failing one tittle . sir , i told him , that if you would promise to release me out of this distresse which i indure , and to give me my libertie freely and wholly , i should make you injoy the love which you desire with so great passion and which so torments you , i promise you moreover and assure you , that making this condition with you , if i performe not my promise you shall my head cut off , or throw me into the sea . thou bindest thy selfe greatly ( said he with a smiling countenance , alreadie desirous to see the effect of my promise ) but if thou art a man of so great knowledge and skill , that thou canst doe this for me , this gallie wherinthou art shall be thy fortune , for i shall not onely be content to give thee thy libertie but i will make thee one of my houshold servants , and the best respected of them all . but tell me , after what manner canst thou doe it ? sir , you shall know ( said i ) that i was bred with a great astrologer , who under pretence to cast horoscops and nativities dissembled his magicke with so great craft , that there was not any one in the world that suspected him . he made use of me in some of magicall experiences , supposing because i was young and of a dull wit i would understand nothing of the secrets of his art . but he was deceived there , because though i seemed foolish and ignorant , yet i had an eye on all his tryalls , and i studied them so well , that many love secrets stucke in my memorie , amongst which i have one most certaine and approved , with-which if a woman were harder then the adamant , i will make her softer then the waxe . in such sort that the secret which i propound to you is magicall , not naturall , and it is requisite to have some haires of the party beloved , to put it in execution ; with which , and with some ceremonies that must be performed , the gentlewomans heart will be so set on fire , that she shall take no rest , but when she is with or thinketh of her beloved . notwithstanding this must be done in the night , at the waxing of the moone , and in the fields , there being but only three in the companie , and these stout and resolute , that cannot be dismaied nor frighted , fall out what may , or whatsoever they see . if , saith the captaine , that to further the businesse there needeth no other thing but a good heart , we shall easily have our desire , for though all hell should stand before me , it were not able to make me give backe so much as one step , nor once to change my colour , or countenance : and for the haires that thou hast mentioned , i will give thee as much as thou shalt desire . i know sir , ( answered i ) by your face that your naturall inclination is very fit for magicke , and if you had studied it , you would worke wonders by it . so now seeing the time favoureth us , and that you have the ladies haire , let us not suffer this waxing of the moone to passe with bringing our businesse to passe . you may goe out on horsebacke , and he also that shall accompanie you , as for me , though ill bestead with the weight of this chaine , i will not forbeare to goe a foote . all shall be in readinesse ( saith the captaine ) against thursday night , & sith experience hath made thee master in this art , prepare thee well and studie that which thou oughtest to doe , to the end that our designe may not be lost by negligence or little care ; and for the present get thee backe to the gallie ; for i will send to thee by the governour of my house who shall be the third of our companie , a faithfull man , couragious & valiant , and if there neede any thing to this purpose , thou maist in the meane time provide thee , for i will take order that all be paid that thou shalt buy . with this good answer i parted from my master more joyfull and merrie then the flourishing spring seeing my businesse thrive so well at so good a passe , and being returned to the gallie i found my good antony , who waited for me with great impatience to know what i had bargain'd with the captaine , and upon what termes my affaires stood , to whom i related all that we had agreed upon , and the kindnesse that he received me withall in accepting my promise , assuring him that when i was in favour , the next thing i asked should be his libertie . hardly had i begun my discourse , but i perceiued the governour of the captaines house entring the gallie , his visage inflamed , his eyes staring and dansing , and he running , as he had quickesilver in his heeles , asked where i was , and having perceived me , and drawne me aside , he said to me , i am governour of the house to the captaine of this gallie , who hath commanded me to come hither , and to know of thee all that shall be necessarie for the businesse that you talked of , dispose and appoint at thy pleasure , for i have money for all , and because that i may offer thee something in my own behalfe , take this crown of gold which i give thee as a token of that friendship which shall be between us , and i assure thee that thou shalt have a good friend of me at the captains hands . but as reason would thou must answer me with mutuall acknowledgment , in doing some thing for me . you shall binde me much sir , ( i answered him then very humbly , ) having disparaged your selfe so much in regard of him , who is so farre unequall : consider in what my weakenesse and my povertie can serve you , for i will performe it with all my soule . i will not , saith the governor , that thou hazard thy soule , because it is gods , but i would faine intreatthee , that with thy secrets and thy skill thou wouldst helpe me to purchase the favour of a gentlewoman of good ranke whom i have loved now these five yeares , and because i am of somewhat a meaner condition then she there is no meane to make her heare me and if it were possible to give two blowes with one stone it would be be an extreme great contentment to me , & thou shouldst binde me to thee , not only as a friend , but as a slave . now the moone is waxing , and the time very fit , so that i thinke there is no neede to make any more ceremonies for my mistresse than for the captaines , and if you must have of her haire , see here are some , for it is above a yeare that i carried them about me , keeping them as reliques . and drawing a paper out of his pocket put one of her locks into my hand . i who desired no other thing but that the third of our companie should be also so besotted , that the businesse might fall out well , i was in a manner beside myselfe with contentment , which i could not hide nor dissemble without shewing some signes in my countenance of being troubled , by which he tooke occasion to aske me what it was that troubled me . to whom i answer'd , sir , i feare that if the captaine should know that i doe anything for you he would be vexed with me , and i should lose this good opportunitie in which lyeth no lesse then my libertie ; this consideration is that which troubleth me , not want of desire to serve you . and who will tell it him , saith he then ? the divell , answered i , that never sleepes , but happen what may , i am resolved to serve you , though i should lose the captaines good-will , seeing it is the first thing that you have commanded me . as for that which concernes the captains busines & yours , you must buy a new sacke , a small corde , and another bigge one of hempe , foure ells long , a new knife , a chaine and a brush , and these you shall buy without making any price , that is to say , that you shall give for them whatsoever the marchant shall aske without beating of the price : and assure your selfe , that within a seven-night , you shall enjoy your love with great liberty . thou givest me greater content with this answer , saith the governour of the house , than if the king had given me a pension of a thousand crownes a yeare , doe that which thou promisest , & thou shall see what i will doe for thee . and embracing me kindly he went away full of hope and joy , leaving me the most contented man of the world , seeing that if in this prison i had sought an occason which might have fallen out better for my ease , it had bin impossible for me to finde it , for as well my captaine as the governour of the house were so blinded besotted and fool'd , that if i should have call'd the day night they would have beleeved it . on the contrarie my heart throb'd a thousand waies , considering into what a maze i should thrust myselfe , if the businesse succeeded not , neverthelesse i made a vertue of necessitie , using that remedie which is ordinarie with these that are in any extremity , which is boldnesse and resolution . with this good courage i waited for the thursday , which came more joyfull and fairer then the spring , though it was slow , because of the desire they had to injoy their mistresses , and mine to get out of the harbour by the cheating trickes that i put upon them , it seem'd to us the longest day of all the yeare . every time the clocke struck , they despaired , fearing to misse the telling of the houres , as these do who hope for a thing that they earnestly desire ; and after this care they were in anextacie considering what they would do in the possession of their loves , as if they had alreadie verily past the night and overcome the difficulty . this doubting and hammering of theirs served me well to my purpose , that they might not perceive the gulleries that i put upon them , and the smoake that i sold them . whereby i finde that those who paint love blinde , have great good reason for them , because that , if they not bin so , they would have perceived all my promises to be nothing but winde , and that the meanes which i propounded to them were for no other end but to gull . them . *⁎* chap. x. in which he proceedeth to relate his invention , begun with some discourses of love , between the governour of the house and this gallieslave . the night being come which be a day for me , inlightning the heaven with infinite numbers of starres so bright and resplendent , that they dazeled the light of the day , and filled my soule with joy : when my honest governour enters the gallie , brave , gallant and clothed with the best apparell that he had , because that amongst other directions that i had given as well to him as to his master , the chiefe was that they should be fine & brave , as being a thing most requisite and necessarie for magick skill ; and having saluted me with close embracements he said to me , friend , that thou maist know that i can doe what i will at the captaines hands , and that i want not good will to help thee , thou shalt know that through my intreatie he gives thee leave to leave off thy chaine for this night , and it may be , for ever , that thou maist walke with greater libertie , and performe thy businesse and what is necessarie for it , and though the captaine made some difficultie , i dealt so earnestly that i obtained this favour in earnest of that which i desire to do for thee . i who then was more knavish and more dissembled then foolish , fell into some suspition imagining that this liberalitie offered ere it was desired , was fained , and but only to try me , wherfore i answered him , sir i thanke you for the care you have had of me obtaining of my master that he will take off my chaine , a favour which i would kindly accept , if it were possible , but it is not , because i must not change the estate that i am in , nor one point of that which is of my estate ; it being necessarie that he , who shall make this tryall , must make in the same estate & apparell that he is accustomed to weare : and so i may not goe but in mine owne clothes & with the chaine because otherwise we shall do nothing . the governour was not a little contented with my answer , being assured that there was in me no kinde of deceite nor malice , but the pure and simple truth , & pittying me beleeved assuredly , that there was more passion in my words then iustice , he embraced me the second time saying , friend , god who is wont to give the salve according to the wound , hath brought thee to this gallie , that by it thou mightst come to the knowledge of my master , and enjoy the speciall favours which thou shouldst promise to thy selfe from his liberalitie , if the businesse fall out well . how well ? answered i him , hath the captaine any suspition that i would deceive him ? no by the world answer'd the governour , seeing that though thou wouldst doe it , thou couldst not : but it is the great desire that we both have to soften the hardnesse of these she-tygers , and to turne them to our love , that makes us thinke that impossible which is easie for thee to doe , and this is usuall amongst lovers . i never was one , ( answer'd i , and though i should be more in love then was narcissus , i should never perswade my selfe that day were night , that oxen flie , and other fantasticall imaginations , that haunt lovers , which rather may be called follies and idle thoughts then love-passions . it well appeareth that his darts have not strucke thee , saith the governour , for if thou hadst tried them , thou wouldst not have spoken with so great freedome and so little trouble . know friend , that physitians ranke this disease amongst melancholike passions , into which the diseased falleth , beleeving that which is not , and framing a thousand phantasies and visions which have no other ground but their perverse and corrupt imagination , which workes the same effect in lovers , giving them an impression of jealouse , to an other of disdaine , to an other of favour , making a mountaine of nothing , all which is bred of a burning desire which they have to possesse that which they love . but to be willing to perswade this unto him who hath not tried it , is to desire to draw water with a sive , and to weigh the earth . i am no doctor , master governour , i answer'd him , nor yet batcehler , because being left yong , friendlesse and poore , i lived also without knowledge , having only foure words of latin . neverthelesse by the use of reason well knowen of all sciences , i understood the smal reason that lovers have to be so oft troubled upon so small occasion as they are troubled , because of necessitie their affections tend to two points , to wit , that the woman must be good or evil faithfull or disloyall . if she be good , faithfull & answerable to your affection in mutuall love , it is a great follie to be jealous over her : if she be unfaithfull and known for such a one , there needs no other counsel , but not to trust her nor love her . whence may be cōcluded that all the accidents to which you say lovers are subject , are the overflowings of follie , and wants of wit , it being a notable extravagancie to love one that hateth , this being supposed that hatred cannot be the subject of love , nor love of hatred , seeing we ordinarily love them that bind us thereto by their love . if it went by experience , saith the governor thou wilt lose thy cause , because usually they hate these that love them best , taking the sight of a dying man for the occasion of their hate , and it is a voice in them now a dayes turned into a nature , to shun those that follow them , and to abhorre those who adore them , as the captaine and i have hitherto made a long and unhappy tryall . thinke not so master governour , i answer'd , that you have made a good conclusion ; for if you will have the patience to heare me , i will make you see clearely in what your arguments faile , and know that love ceaseth not to love nor hatred to hate , there being no law of nature , and he that foster'd you in this philosophy , hath fed you with bad milke , because that love alone not being accompanied with other circumstances , which are to be proportionable and reasonable is not all the motive of an other love . that princesse of noble bloud should be tyed to love a porter , that dieth for her , onely because he adoreth her . i deny your proposition , she is no wise bound to doe it , nor her well to affect him , the object that might move her not being in him . as a prince hateth to the death a poore damsell , because she depiseth him , being unwilling to give consent to his wanton love , whence it may be gathered that neither the porters love shall in any case tye the princesse wil , nor damsels scorne shall breed hatred in the princes minde . seeing that in love is found the good , the profit and pleasure which are the hookes with which the will is taken , then it is the motive of love , and the lady shal not be able to hate him , who loveth her upon these conditions , but therein being unequalitie and dishonour , she may do it . you shall more clearely perceive this in hatred , because when a man dieth for a gentle-woman , & she hates him exceedingly , this hate is not that which inflames his love , but the account she makes of her honour & the feare of shame if she should consent to the pleasure of him that loveth her , which consideration makes her coole and backward and him extreamely passionate . whence it is concluded , that the woman offendeth not in hating him that worships her , nor any man ought to hate such a woman that disdaineth him . this thy philosophie , my friend , answered the governour , is framed of moe words than learning , and i could refute it by plaine reasons , if time did afford us leasure , but the houre is already come , & the captaine will looke for us , only i would intreate thee to be mindfull of me as a friend , making thy inchantment of equall power with the crueltie of the gentlewoman of whom i have spoken to thee . away with this care , sir , answerd i , for i will doe it in such sort , that though your mistresse were harder-hearted & more frozen then the alpes , she should be turned into a mountaine of fire , hotter then mount aetna of sicile . i beleeve so , said the governour , but i cannot chuse but wonder why thou being so cunning a fellow didst not enchant the iudge to be in love with thee and not have condemned thee to the gallies . if this secret were good for a man , said i , a hundred yeares a goe i had bin a duke or a governour of some province , if i had not bin a monarch . it is not good but for women , because he that first found it out , gave it this vertue only . that alone sufficeth me , saith the governour , if with it i can soften that adamant , but with the hope that thou hast given me , i hold the victorie as certaine , and i hinder my selfe that i doe not see to morrow already . with these words we came to the other side of the harbour where my kinde captain waited for us with great impatience and unquietnesse , by whom i was very well received , & he asking me why the governour had not taken off my chaine , as he had charged him , i answerd him the same things , which i had before answered the governour , wherewith he was exceeding wel contented . they leapt both on horse backe , & i followed them at leasure , because of the waight of my chaine , and being about a league from marselles we arrived at the place appointed . they lighted down , and tying their horses at a tree , we with drew our selves together to the place where our tryall was to be made , & taking them with some necessary ceremonies , and telling them what they should say , i made a circle on the ground whispering i cannot tell what strange and uncouth words , and turning my selfe often , sometimes towards the east , sometimes to the west , with some ceremonies so unusuall , that they made the captaine and his governor of the house both of them astonisht and fearefull . at halfe an houres end after that i had gone turning about like a foole , i made the captaine goe within it , charging him to say after me , who was so obedient and so forward to all that i would have him , that if i had then cut off his mustaches , he would have beleeved that it was needfull for the inchantment . i made him strip himselfe , teaching him to say certaine words to every parcell of his clothes which he put off , which he pronounced so exactly that he lost not one syllable , beleeving that if he had missed in one jote he should have marred all this businesse , with this ceremonie i stript him to his shirt , he never making any shew of feare nor suspition , being assured that he was safe enough by the presence of the governour , who was much astonisht to see them finish'd , it seeming to him that there should neither be time enough nor inchantment sufficient for himselfe . pitty so moved my heart that i could not take off his shirt , having compassion of his innocencie , because it was then the coldest time of all the winter , and either through feare or cold , such a vehement quivering and shaking of all his joynts tooke him , with such a chattering of his teeth , that the noise thereof might have bin heard halfe a mile from the place . i comforted and encouraged him , with the shortnesse and quick dispatch of the inchantment , and the assured possession of his love , injoyning him in the meane time to be silent , and telling him that if he spake but one word , we should be presently in lesse then the twinkling of an eye all of us in barbary . he then being in this plight , that is to say , naked in his shirt , i gave him a knife in his hand , commanding him to make some stabs towards the foure quarters of the world , at every one uttering some words , & for the conclusion i made him goe into the sacke . that which i then saw with mine eyes was a wonder & a miracle of god , because i alwaies imagined , that as he was going into the sacke he should suspect something , & that all mine invention shuld come to nothing : but a little lambe is not more obedient nor more milde than he was , because that without any resistance or shew of mistrust , he went in , being still assured by the presence of his governour , and the ignorance he had of his loves ; which was good for me ; for if he had known that the governour was to be inchāted also , he had never gone into the sacke . finally having packed up the poore captain , i laid him along upon the ground with his belly upwards , tying the sacks mouth with a cord that was by me , & speaking still to the governor to encourage him , and wishing him to have patience a quarter of an houre the enchantment was to last . so having left him in this taking , the governour and i went aside about a stones cast who said to me in an exceeding great pelting chafe , i wil lay a wager that thou hast forgotten something of my businesse , for here i see neither sacke nor knife for me , as for the captaine . here is no need of a sacke , said i , because your magicall experiences are made stronger or weaker , according to the greater or lesser cruelty that gentlewomen have : and the captaines being exceeding disdainfull , i have made the enchantment of a sacke for her which is the strongest of all . oh! brother , saith the governor , what is this that thou hast done ? mine is hard-hearted , disdainfull a tyger and a lyonesse : for the captaines , though she loves him not , notwithstanding shewes him some favour , and if it goes by disdaine , we neede a hundred sackes , not one only what shall we doe ? be quiet master governor , said i then seeing him afflicted , for there is a remedy for all but death ; for that which is not in one threed shall be in a hundred . i will make with the haires and the cords a hanke which shall have no lesse force then the captaines sacke , and for as much as your mistresse is so cruel as you say , i wil adde thereto a small matter which shall make her , that she shall never be able to take rest while she see you . it is that which i looke for , my friend , answerd hee , let us martyr her in such sort , that my love may torment her thoughts & her memory , & performe my businesse quickly , before my masters be ended . speaking thus we came to the roote of a tree , the place at which i had told him that his inchātment should be made , and in an instant making a circle , & teaching him what he should doe , i made him goe into it starke naked to the skin , because i had neede of a shirt . having him there in this fashion , i tooke his mistresse haires , & twisting them with a cord i made a big roule , with which i tyed his hands to the stumpe of a tree , shewing him the mysterie that was hid in every ceremonie , & i would faine also have tied his feete , if i had not feared that hee should have suspected this to be rather the fact of a robber then of a magitian , but as his hands were enough for my purpose i would do no more . finally having made thē dumb naked & boūd , defended frō the sharpnes of the cold aire with the onely fire of love , that burned in their heart , there was no body that could hinder me to give two or three knocks at the lock of my chaine with a hammer that i carried in my pocket and taking their horses and clothes i got me out of sight & , being armed like another s. george i tooke the high way to lions . chap. xi . in which the theefe relateth the disgrace that happened to him , about a chaine of pearle . with the victorie of this dāgerous journey . i tooke the high way towards the town of lyons , joyfull to see my self free , & the owner of foure and twentie double pistolls , which i found by the hazard in my masters pockets with which and with their clothes being brave & gallant i went into the towne , & falling in love with as many brave dames as were there : i talked of love to all that i met with , and receiving particular favours of some , because my presence and my clothes assured them that i was a man of some great house and of good ranke . true it is that to keep them in this errour , and to hold my selfe in the good account with which i had begun , i oftentimes visited the merchants of greatest credit , telling them , that i lookt for some merchandise from venice , and promising to deale with , i made them in love with me , and they trusted my words as much as my outside and my honest looks did deserue . by which & by counterfeit noblenesse , some gentlewomen tooke occasiō to be as far in love with me , as thys be was with piramus , to whom i gave correspondence in the best manner , though i understood that i was not so blinded with love but this colour'd goodwil , & these fained sighs tended rather for my monies then for any good quality or beauty , of mine . but as there is nothing that can resist the kinde alluremēts by which a woman maketh warre against him , whom she minded to deceive i suffered my selfe a little to be carried away by amorous shewes of a gentlewoman of the towne , merry , pleasant & who entertained me best though she was none of the fairest : who making shew that she was taken with my love , in a short time emptied my poore purse , leaving me like an image wrapt up in velvet . i pressed also to binde her by allmeanes possible answerable to her fained affection , not so much for my contentment , as for that she was provided with fine knackes , which she had bin accustomed to aske of any new lover such as are chaines , rings bracelets , & above all a chain of pearle , so bigge , round & bright , that at the very sight of them any man of courage would desire them : this friendship at first was very hot , & had a prosperous gale of winde , but as soone as she perceived the weakenesse of my purse , she struck the sailes of her good-will , & began to looke upon me with a crosse & sowre countenance , an accident which in some sort put me in doubt , & made me distrust that i should never work my feate , which i had projected at the beginning of her loves . so before that any falling out or vexing should rise between us , relying upon the kinde offers which a little before she had made me , making me understand , that not only her goods , but also her very life shuld be sacrificed to my friendship ; i requested her to pawn her chain or her pearls for to contribute with her for the expences of the kitchin , assuring her that i looked for two thousand ducats from a living which i had in my country . but as they are old and subtle in their trade so they are also in their distrust , and so she excused her selfe , saying that the pearles and the chain were pawns of a friend of hers who was to come and redeeme them the next day , and that her honor should be greatly endangered if she had them not in readinesse . there needed no small art to cover the annoy which that crafty answere bred me , nor little wit to turne into jest such a plaine denyall . so without making any shew , or answering one word to that purpose , i fell a laughing most heartily over her shoulders , saying to her , that it was a device that i had framed to try her good will and to see if she would indeede confirme that which she had promist by her words , and drawing out of my pocket a counterfeit letter of exchange , i made her reade it that she might see the power that was given me to take up eight hundred ducats from a rich marchant of lyons , whom she knew well , wherewith comming to her selfe from her rugged coynesse , shee fell againe into her smiling humour , giving me a few light blowes on my cheeke , calling me distrustfull and mocker . i went away from her with a thousand embracings , making her beleeve , that i was going to receive a part of that sum , and god knowes what my heart was . but as povertie hath ever bin the mother of inventions , amongst many others which my imaginatiō afforded me , i choosed out one which was to sell my horse at any rate whatsoeever , being content only to have monie to live upon but three dayes , at the end of which i minded to have a fling at her pearles , and so to get mee out of the way . but it happened quite contrarie to me ; i went to catch the wooll but i came backe fleec't which was the just judgement of god , and a righteous punishment of my fault . for though the proverbe saith , he that steales from a theefe winneth a hundred yeares of pardon : yet the theft that is done to women of this kinde , is not put upon this account . but it should be rather held for a great offence , because that for the monies they receive they sell their honor and reputation which cannot be redeem'd withall the treasures of the world . it came to passe then , that i returning in the evening to her house , and making my pockets jingle with the money that i had received for my horse , she met me with embracings , so smiling and kinde , that with her fauning and flatteries , shee made me almost beleeve , that the refusall she had made me of her pearles , had beene but a tryall and proofe , which she would make of my affection . finally order was given for making supper ready , with which and the tricks that i minded to put upon her , at the comming of my money , i resolved to change her in such sort , that in her first sleepe , i should have the commoditie to assault her , and shee never to perceive it . but my desires had not so good successe as i thought , because that such women know more then the devill , particularly she , who as an old beaten beldame in her trade , there was no ambush nor deceit , which shee had not pried into . so the more i urged her to drinke , so much the more shee proved coy and backeward . supper ended with all the joy that i could faine , and the hope which that good occasion promist me , we withdrawing our selves into her chamber , she began to untire her selfe with as much slownesse as it had beene her wedding night . but i desirous to arrive at the haven of my intention , to make her more carelesse and lesse suspitious i went to bed first , faining my selfe unable any more to withstand sleepe that urged me so eagerly . my disgrace was such , that shee distrusting the summe , that i had bragged to have received , and taking occasion by my dogges sleepe shee would search my pockets to trie if all was gold that glister'd , and if the nuts were answerable to the noise . but finding there was so little monie that it would scarcely furnish out the next dayes expence , she began to be vexed and to have an ill opinion of me . at all this ( though snorting ) i was more watchfull and more a hunting then a cat when she watches a mouse , spying in what place she laid her pearles , that i might fish them incontinent when shee was fallen asleepe . she lay downe sad and confounded , thinking on the small summe of mony , that shee had found , and oft-times sighing . whereof i would in no wise aske the cause , as knowing it well enough , and not desirous to let her from sleeping which i so much desired and long'd for . so a quarter of an houre after , which was the time that in my conceit , shee was past all thinking of it any further , i thought of mine owne designes , weighing well all the inconveniencies which might fall out , amongst which i considered the suspition , conceived by her to be most difficult , it seeming to me that she would not sleepe but by halfes , and that seeing the least appearance of that shee imagined , shee would raise the house with her cryes , and put all the neighbours in armes . but amongst many inventions , there came a subtle one in my minde , and most fit for the purpose to this fact , which was , not to hide the pearles in any part of my clothes , but to swallow them one and one , being assured that having past them through my body they would come forth more cleere and bright then of before , and that in this manner though all came to the worst , the iustice would set mee free not finding the pearles about mee . this thought , in my opinion seemed admirable good , and thinking that she was asleepe , seeing shee sighed no more , nor shewed any more her unquietnesse . i rose as softly , as was possible , going barefooted and at leasure to the place , where she had left her pearles , and having found them , i began to swallow them one after another , though with some difficultie , i being narrow throated , and they very big . my ill lucke was that while i was , about to swallow the last , it stucke in my weazand so unhappily , that it could neither goe foreward nor backward , i was forced to cough with some violence , and to awake her with my coughing , shee calls upon me with teares and astonisht , and i dissembling the best i could the hinderance of my weazand , answered her that i was seeking for the chamber-pot with which shee was well apaid for a while , though not satisfied with my answer , it seeming a thing unlikely to looke on the cupboord for the chamber-pot , which was usually set under the bed , wherefore casting with her selfe the meanes to satisfie her suspition , without making any shew of distrust , shee counterfeited an exceeding sore paine in her bellie uttring great cries , and calling to her two maides that were in the house for light , and some warme clothes : shee held in her dissembled paine for the space of halfe an houre , supposing that would be enough to take from me the suspition of her cunning slights . about the end of which , shee riseth from bed like lightning , and looking round about the roome with a lighted candle and where shee had left her pearles , and no finding them , without speaking ever a word , or asking any other reason then what her imagination perswaded her , she begunne to beate her face with her fists , that incontinent shee fill'd her mouth with bloud , uttering after that loud and shrill cryes , that in lesse then a quarter of an houre , above two hundred people were assembled , and amongst them the iustice , who breaking open the doores of the house , came up furiously , finding me in my shirt , and her in her night attyre , with her haire about her eares and her face scratcht , calling to me for her pearles most furiously . the iudge commands that every one should hold their peace , that hee might be inform'd of the fact , and take the deposition of us both , and hee having begunne with me , i gave him content with very humble words , so that neither his threatnings nor intreaties could draw any other answere frome me . neverthelesse the iudge seeing the womans vehement complaints and bitter teares charged that my clothes should be search't which was executed with such care and diligence , that hardly a moate of the sunne could have beene hid in them , and they not finding there the pearles all of them with one accord judged mee to be innocent , and condemned her as subtle , shamelesse , and dissembled . she seeing then that they all spake against her , and misregarded her complaints , cast her selfe downe at the iudges feete , tearing her haire , and rending her clothes , and uttering such strong cryes , that the iudge knew not what to thinke , nor what resolution to take , and consulting of the matter with those he brought with him , he resolved , that it having beene verified that she had the pearles when she went to bed , they should be searched for , in all the most secret corners of the chamber , they not being found , they should send for an apothecary , that should give me a potion mingled strongly with scammonie , to the end that if i had swallowed them , i might cast cast them up againe . the iudges sentence was put in execution , and having done their diligence proposed about the chamber , and not finding the pearls , they were forced to come to the last remedy , which was the physicke , they which forced me to take in full health without the physitians appointment , and against my wil , & though i did all that was possible for me to vomite them , there was no meane to make me doe it , so a vehement strife being awakened in my guts i was compelled to give way to the pearles , and to tarry my selfe in prison , enjoying the favours which these gentlemen iustices are wont to bestow upon those that fall into their hands . *⁎* chap. xii . in which the thiefe relateth the last disgrace that befell him . it was about sixe a clocke at night , when my andrew made an end of telling me his disaster about the pearles , and i desiring to know the last that kept him then in prison , i intreated him to tell mee it from point to point , without missing any thing remarkeable : wherein hee being willing to give me content hee answered joyfully in this manner . if god would have pleased that this should be my last disgrace , and if it had beene as soone ended as i shall end the discourse thereof i should have thought my selfe happie ; but i dare not trust to my hard lucke , because that it being accustomed to persecute me , i do not beleeve that it will ever cease to use mee unkindly with new torments . know then that the iustice of lyons having condemned me in two hundred lashes of the whip , through the streets accustomed , for such malefactours , and marking me with the towne marke , they banisht me the towne with shame enough , allowing me but three daies only to dispatch my businesse and goe into banishment : during which dayes i thought upon a thousand fantasticall discourses , bethinking my selfe , how i might repaire the povertie that had overtaken me after so great abundance . and after i had bethought my selfe of a thousand plots , never a one of which pleased me , the divell put one in my head , which was the trouble that i now am in . i bethought my selfe that the same day that i was whipt , a famous theefe came after me , whom the iudge had condemned to the same paine , a young man of good disposition , and of a vigorous courage , wittie , and one of the cunningest theeves that in all my life i had dealt withall , but unhappie as well as my selfe . i acquainted my selfe with him to trie , if betweene two wretched caitives we could finde some comfort in so great a mishap , and communicating one with th'other our intent and thoughts , we resolved to make a journey together to paris . but before wee were fully resolved of all things fitting for the voyage , we had a consultation about our povertie , and infamie , descanting upon the meanes which we might make in so great mishap , and thinking it was not safe for us to embarke our selves in so great a citie as paris , not having meanes to live on there , and by which to busie our selves , at least while wee were knowne . and after that he h●d given me the hearing a long while , and heedefully heard all the reasons and designes which i propounded , he said , master lucas ( for that was the name which i had at lions ) the inventions that you shew me are good and worthy of such a spirit as yours : but they bee hard and difficult questions . wherefore leaving them for another occasion , i will tell you one , which if it fal out well , it may well be that we shall get out of this miserie . this is that we may use diligence to finde in this citie of lions some marchant that hath trade and correspondence at paris , from whom wee may get a letter directed to his friend , and having found him , you shal tell him secretly , that you will make up some packes of marchandise in this towne to be transported to flanders with some mony , and leave all at paris in the hands of some sure man , that it might be kept safe , while you go to antwerp , where you shall make as if you have a cozengermane , to trie the price , and how your marchandise may be past off ; and that having never beene at paris , nor made any acquaintance to whom you might recommend your packes , you shall intreate him to write to some merchant of his friends , that hee may keepe them for you . for so much , i suppose , hee will not refuse you , and if he agreeth to it , let me alone . you shall see how i will rule my hands ? if that be all that hinders you , said i , i will finde them that shall give me a thousand letters , and not one only though i am now disgraced , and with infamie yet bleeding , i would have you to know , that there was moe than foure that will doe somewhat for me , and that this is true you shall see by and by . with these words i went from him , and going to a marchants house of my acquaintance , asking of him a letter , after the forme that my camerade had told me , with which i returned exceeding content , and putting it into his hand , he kissed it a thousand times , praising my diligence and credit , and so at last we came to paris with it , where wee being retired to a chamber of the suburbs , we made two packes , with some pieces of coorse canvasse , the rest full of sundry things , such as old shooes , old clothes , ragges , and such other wares , and my camerade put himselfe in the third , wherein i packt him up so neately and handsomly , that neither his packe nor the other two seemed to be nothing else but camlots or fustians . our packes being made up , i went to give the letter to the marchant to whom it was directed , who received it most gladly offering me all his house . after this wee agreed that i should send the packes at eight a clocke at night , to save the custome other dues to be paid by the marchants , amongst which entred that of my companion , if not full of camlots , yet at least of cords , ladder , hooke , file , lantern , knife and other militarie tooles , with which to make war for necessitie , and robbe the marchants mony . he then being entred and all in the house asleepe , because it was past eleven a clocke he slit the canvasse with a knife , and comming out hee search't all the corners of the house , throwing out at the windowes some apparell and silke gownes with that seemed to him to be of the least , which i gathering up in the streete with great diligence , the divell would have it , that the watch in the meane while came by , with so great silence and dissimulation , that they gave me no leasure to hide our bootie , which i was gathering up , nor to betake my selfe to the flight . and as there was no great neede of questioning mee for to know my cops-mates , sith these wares could not fall from heaven , they perceived that my camerade was above , whom , after they led mee to the prison , they imprisoned also for the same crime . he went out a fort ' night agoe , being condemned to the gallies for ten yeares , and i feare not much lesse , if the mercie and bountie of the iudges have not some pitie of me . *⁎* chap. xiii . of the statutes and lawes of theeves . by the discourse which i have made of my historie , saith honest andrew , i have noted that you did not like well that i called our company a common-weale , it seeming to you that wee are governed only by the desire wee have to steale , without any other law or reason , which is clean contrary , seeing that amongst as is done nothing which is not ruled by reason laws , statuts & ordināces , punishing those that otherwise exercise our arte . we have in the first place a captain & superiour , all sorts of whom theevsobey , & he disposeth of their thefts wch they shold act , nāing these who seeme to him the fittest for the purpose , and choosing the cūningest & wisest of the cōpany forthe most difficult & dangerous thefts . and in this there is so good order kept , that there is no man amōgst us that forgetteth one only point of his duty , nor that passeth the bounds of his commission undertaking that wch is in another mans charge nor medling with greater matters than his capacity can cōpasse . and know this that it is the most essētiall point of our cōmon wealth , by the disorders wherof all others are undone this captain examineth him that cōmeth newly unto the company giving him three months of novice-ship , to try his courage inclinatiō & ability , in wch time , he propoundeth to him some witty questions as be these ; to hang up some little thing without ladder , pole or line ; to steale a mans horse as he is riding on him upō the way ; to snatch a way a courtiers band amōgst a hundred people , & many other things of this kinde . and having known his inclinatiō & capacity , hegivs him the office of a robber , of a grumet , of a cut-purse , or any other wherof he is found to be most capable . you will not deny but that this manner of proceeding is a great state point , just reasonable , & so necessary for the common wealth , that because it hath not bin practised , so great disorders are seene every where in it , seeing violence can promise no other good end . i will tel you that estates and offices should be given to every one , according to his natural inclination , without enforcing or tying him by any respect to another thing than to that which it desireth , not following that which troubleth , to wit , unquietnesse and mishap . for i held it impossible , that shee whom her parents shall put in a cloister against her will , for want of monie to marrie her , can live in peace and contentment . as also he wil never proue a better husband , who for the only pleasure of his parents , and against his minde is tyed in marriage , and so of other employments . we have a notable example of this good order in the lacedemonians state , a curious people , civill and wise , who suffered their children to grow up in libertie , without putting them upon any employment , nor to store up their appetite to any other estate , than to that to which their minde prompted them , and when they came to age and discretion they might choose of themselves the meane to live by most proper and most be fitting their naturall inclination , and thence it proceeded that all their actions were so wel ordered and so perfit . after this manner our cōmon wealth is governed , & with this law our captain ruleth the capacity of those , who come newly unto him , bestowing on him the office & maner of stealing according to the disposition that hee hath taken notice of in him in the months of his novice-ship . this captaine is an old man , wise , well experienced & finally exempted from the trade , as being one whose force and nimblenesse having failed for the practize , he exerciseth the theorie with us teaching us the method and precepts of stealing . to which end he makes us meete together once aweeke in a certaine place appointed for the purpose , where hee bindeth us to give a strict account of all the thefts and accidents that have happened therein , reproving sharply those who are negligent and prove vnprofitable , praysing the vigilant and subtle . this is done ordinarily on saturday night , on which day he appointeth all that must be done the weeke following , sharing out to every one the places that he shold keep in , & the thefts in which he shuld be emploied , taking of thē all a strict oath of faithfulnesse , & punishing the offenders , the first time abridging him of that part of the theft which belongeth to him , the secōd depriving him of the place of sixe moneths , and if he be incorrigible and stubborne , he puts him into the hands of the marshall . if hee falls in a fault by negligence & carelesnesse , as it may be by comming tolate to his place , to go elsewhere , or let slip some occasion in not laying hold of it , he is deprived of a weekes benefit , & taking from him the office of a theefe , he puts him in the office of a spie , or of a watch-man , for the time that our councell shall appoint . of all thefts in the first place is allotted the fifth part to him , that spares the whip to us , banishment , the gallies , the gallowes , and that which remaineth of the tenths for pious uses , which are , to succour the sicke and needie of our companie , to release prisoners , and to ease the disgraces of those that have no monie . we receive no women in the companie , unlesse it be in case of great necessitie , and when it cannot be otherwise , because by nature they cannot keepe secrets , & they being unable to eschew this inconvenience we are bound upon great paines not to reveale unto them , how , from whom , and when wee have stollen . he that commits the theft hath equall share with the captaine for paines & danger that hee hath put himselfe in , his complices have the third part , and the spies the fift . as for the honour and respect which is due to every one , there is such an order kept , that no wrong is done to any one of the companie , every officer having his ranke and place appointed in all our meetings , assemblies and consultations . for the first are the robbers , next the stafadours , then the grumets , after these the hobgoblins , then follow the wooll-drawers , the mallets follow them , and last the apostles , cigarets , cut-purses , and caterers . over all these a kinde of theeves bearesway , called among us liberalls , whose office is to undertake some strange points , as to blacke their faces with inke or kennell durt , to hang garlands of hornes at mens doores , libells or such like , and these are the wittyest of all the company , and those who as it were indued with the best wit and invention , weigh and foreseeing all the difficulties that can happen ▪ in a dangerous case . none of the companie may make any quarrell , noise or contentiō with another , about any matter whatsoever , unlesse it be fained or subtle , to avoide any suspition , that may be offered . we may not eate twice two of us together in one and the same tavern or vitailling house , except it be once in the sev'night , to th'end that if any thing come in the way to be stollen there we may breede no suspition amongst them that should see us there . we are forbidden also to go together through the city or to speake familiarly one to another , unlesse it be to fall a quarrelling , & to make some false blowe at one another , to draw people together , that upon the occasion of our quarrell the cutpurses may make up their hand . every professor of the companie carrieth his badge and secret marke , by which he is in an instant known of us all , understanding by this order , how many there are of an office in every streete & part of the town . so the robbers beare alwaies a glove handing and made fast by one finger . the wooll drawers button their doublet by intercession that is to say , they button one and misse the next . the staffadours stroake their mustaches and their beard at every space , sometimes thrusting their finger into one of their nostrils . the cut-purses have a little white marke in their hat-bands . the malletes beare their cloake after a certaine fashion , and finally every particular office hath its particular token by which it is known among the company . when any woman of the companie is married every profession gives her five crowns to augment her portion , keeping neverthelesse such an order , that she may not be married but to one of her owne trade ; that is to say , the daughter of a robber with a man of the same vocation or calling . and if by chance some cut-purse should marrie his daughter with a robber , staffador or grumet , hee is bound to give him a hundred crowns in portion more then ordinarie , because his sonne of law is of greater and higher office then the father is . we make a vow of patience and suffering , promising to be couragious and constant against torture , though we be seldome put to it , because ( as i have told you ) all that is salv'd with the fifth part . and to the end that all the places of the towne may be sufficiently provided , it is enacted that every professour that shall come newly to a place , should put there some marke , shewing thereby the number of theeves which are in that part : so the first that commeth layth a die in some secret corner , and yet well known to those of the companie , with the ace turned upwards ; the second that commeth , turneth the die to the deuse point , the third to the trey , the fourth to the quater , and so the others to the sise , and being come to that number , the same office stayeth in the same place , because that according to our lawes we cannot be above six in one and the same place : and when any one goeth away he turnes the die upon the number of theeves that remaine , in such sort , that they being six , the first that goeth away turnes the die to the cinque point , the second to the quater , the third to the trey , by which number he that is behinde of the theeves is knowne . we are bound to nourish and sustaine all the creeples , blinde , sick , and those whom their extreame old age excuseth from stealing . none of us may weare cloake , hat , breeches , doublet nor any thing else that was stollen , nor sell gold , silver or jewells in that towne where they were stollen , under paine of a great and exemplarie punishment . wee are commanded to carry alwayes a false beard in our pocket , with plaisters of sundry sorts , to disguise us in an instant , when occasiō shall require . as concerning religion wee are halfe christians , because that of the two principall commandements of gods law we keepe one , which is to love god ; but in no case our neighbour , because we take from him that he hath . next we receive and allow of the two parts of penance , which are confession ( because now and then we confesse ) and contrition : but of the third , which is satisfaction or restitution wee not so much as make mention , or talke . finis . imprimatur thomas weekes . februarie . . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a e- the author would not haue beene so vehement , had he been in one of our english prisons , which for the most part are made rather places of ease and delight then punishment . spanish apparitors what sort of people . these the evish words of the trade are afterward made cleare . to be whipt at the carts taile . burnd on the shoulders . see cap. . p. . see cap. . cap. . ibid. ibids the sonne of the rogue, or, the politick theefe with the antiquitie of theeves : a worke no lesse curious then delectable / first written in spanish by don garcia ; afterwards translated into dutch, and then into french by s.d. ; now englished by w.m. de sordenada codicia de los bienes agenos. english garcía, carlos, doctor. approx. kb of xml-encoded text 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(eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) the sonne of the rogue, or, the politick theefe with the antiquitie of theeves : a worke no lesse curious then delectable / first written in spanish by don garcia ; afterwards translated into dutch, and then into french by s.d. ; now englished by w.m. de sordenada codicia de los bienes agenos. english garcía, carlos, doctor. w. m. (william melvin) [ ], [i.e. ] p. printed by i.d. for michael sparkes and are to [be] sold in green-arbor, london : . translation of: desordenada codicia de los bienes agenos. translated by william melvin. signatures: a⁶(-a ) b-m¹² n⁴. numerous errors in paging. title in ornamental border. imperfect: print show-through and tightly bound with slight loss of print. reproduction of original in the harvard university library. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online 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for keying and markup - aptara keyed and coded from proquest page images - olivia bottum sampled and proofread - olivia bottum text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the sonne of the rogve , or the politick theefe . with the antiqvitie of theeves . a worke no lesse curious then delectable ; first written in spanish by don garcia . afterwards translated into dutch , and then into french by s. d. now englished by w. m. london , printed by i. d for michael sparkes and are to sold in green-arbor , the preface to the reader . mens naturall inclination is alwayes prone and addicted to so great rashnesse , that though vice of it selfe is so abominable & blame-worthy , notwithstanding there be too many who openly praise it , and account it their honour to practise it . thence it cōmeth to passe that theft , being a pernicious vice and forbidden by the lawes , doth not cease to be followed by many , who to defend themselves from the reproaches which may be laid against them , alleage that the lacedemonians a people very severe and just , permitted the use thereof to their youth ; that the aegyptians held those for able men that could steal best . that for the same subject the poets in their writings have bragged of the subtilty of mercurius , and of the cunning of the goddesse laverna who was the theeves patronesse . briefly , that this profession is made commendable by the crafty trickes of many that have exercised it , such as were prometheus the father of deucalion , cacus and autolicu● , the one the son of vulcan and the other of mercurie , arsaces king of the par●hians , denis tyrant of sici●ie , the emperour nero , leo sonne of constantine copronimus , fulvius , flaccus censor , ninus king of aegipt , to whom iustin ascribeth the invention of so fine a trade , and a great many others with wh● the books of authors are filled . to which we may adde , that even the most understanding men are not free from this vice , 〈◊〉 it be eertaine ( as saith simplicius ) that the prince of the peripatetiques ( aristotle ) stole that which he hath from the most excellent of those that went before him . that virgil drew all his richest inventions from homor , hesiod and theocritus , and that cicero boldly furnish● himselfe with the doctrine of the stoiques academiques and epicures . but for all this , it cannot be but that naturall reason must put downe all these vaine opinions , because according to aquinas , theft is quite cōtrary to that love which we owe to our neighbours , and with-all to gods law and mans law. and to this effect beside that in exodus and leviticus it is expresly forbidden , it is yet also detested by the apostle s. paul , where speaking to the ephesians he saith , let him that stole steale no more : but let him rather labour and worke with his hands . also the people of old taking notice of this truth ordained against theeves severall● sorts of punishments , especially the grecians & the athenians , as ludovicus vives doth very we● observe , who saith that the emperor frederick the third was the first that condemned them to the gallies : ovid speakes to this purpose that scyron one of the renowned theeves of his time was thrown head-long into the sea by theseus , procrustes kill'd by hercules and sysiphus cut in peeces . virgil that pedant balista was stoned for his thefts ; and the divine arious , that the king agrement caused brunellus the cunningest thiefe that ever was to be hang'd for having boldly stollen ang●licus ring and scripants horse . i passe all the other examples that i might alleage : to tell you in a word , good reader , that this booke discourseth not here so much of the antiquitie of theeves and of their cunning slights , as to teach thee to eschew them , for if it be true that he wounds of darts which are foreseene from farre , are not so hurtfull as those which are shot at us unawares . i assure my selfe that the reader will use it as an instrument to avoide the snares which leud fellowes ordinarily lay for honest men , farewel . the antiqivtie of theeves chap. i. in which the author compareth the miseries of prison to the paines of hell. the terror of hell which is set forth to us in holy writings , doth so resemble to us the miseries which are endured in prison , that if this had not that hope which th' other wanteth we might attribute unto it the title of a true hell , seeing that in this which is most proper to them , the one and the other haue a mutuall and full correspondence , which maketh me to wonder much at the vnprofitable diligence with which some late writers distill their brain 's to finde the meanes how they may properly represent unto the world the horrour of that terrible mansion , when they might have attained to the end of their purpose in shewing onely the desperate life which people suffer in prison , which shall be perfitly knowne with its extreame miserie , if first of all we particularly treate of the torments which are perpetually exercised in hell. the authors , who write upon this subject , bring the paines of hell to two points ; the first and chiefe of which is their depriving from the essence of god , which they call essentiall paine , it being that , which properly containeth all the torments that can be imagined in hel. and that same is so extreame and so cruell , that if the soule had in the other world as many pleasures and contentments as the thought of man could imagine , being deprived of god , it could not have any thing which had one onely shadow of comfort . because that god being the roote and the fountaine of all goodnesse , and all contentments and delights , which are in ●he world being stored up in him alone , it is evident that with him the soule shall have all consolation which is possible to be imagined and that without him it shall be plunged into a bottomlesse depth of sorrow & confusion , with which and with the certainty that it hath , that its griefes shall never be ended , it curseth its being , its birth and its life . the other paine which the damned suffer in hell is the accidentall paine , so called because it is joyned to the former as an accident , which serveth to make the apprehension of the damned more sensible , throwing them headlong into the bitter sight of their miserie . to this is joyned the detestable companie of divells , the horrible and frightfull lodging , the● severall kindes of torments , the continuall lamentations , the disorder , the confusion , the fire , the brimstone , the darkenesse and a thousand other afflictions , of which , and of the depriving of gods being and presence , that wretched and perpetuall hell is composed . and as touching the varietie of officers , that beare rule in this darke dungeon ; wee know already that in that great battell which saint michael th' archangell had against lucifer , for the throne and the glory of the creator , not onely the same lucifer fell from heaven , and from the highest of his perfection to the lowest and hollowest gulfes of hell ▪ but also a great number of evill angells with him , who were copartners with him in his rash and accursed purpose . and these although they do equally partake with him in the paine essentiall , which is being deprived of god , have neverthelesse some difference amongst themselves : whether it be that everyone is of one kind , as saith a doctor of the church , or whether for that they had more or lesse consent in his malice . because that without doubt those who obstinatly defended the pride of lucifer fell with him into the deepest place of the earth which is the center of the the world where divines doe place hell. and those who were not so vehement ; but onely approved his purpose with a certaine and determinate fellow-liking , fell not so low : i will say that the accidentall paine of them was not so great as that of these others . and of this sort the accidentall paine of these spirits was made severall according to the degrees of the malice which they had in their sinne . and though that in hell there is no order , as iob saith ; there is notwithstanding a certaine government and order among these spirits vnder-placed and divided into severall companies with diverse degrees and qualities . so as the good angells in the heavenly ierusalem are divided by their order into angells , archangells , thrones , powers , cherubins , seraphins , and other holy dignities . all the legions of divel● which fell from heaven remained subject to the arch-angell michael , who hath commandement and empire over them all . as also according to some mens opinions , every good angell of princes hath commandement over one legion . and beside the obedience which all of them owe to saint michael , as to their captaine generall vnder god , they have also among them their prince of malice , to whom they are subject and obey , and upon him depend diverse liev●tenants and governors , who wholly divide the governement of all the hellish malice , every one of them having vnder his charge the disposing and good order of his band . neither lesse nor more than in a well ordered campe , where there is a great multitude of souldiers , the body of the armie is divided into severall regiments , as are the generall , the camp-master , captaines , ensignes , sergeants ; corporalls and others of this sort , who order the souldiers and the armie . and as there are sundry offices of these , some being foot● ▪ others horse , some musqueters , others pikemen , and finally of severall employments : there are also among the evill spirits severall offices and places , some tempting by covetousnesse , others by riotousnesse , others by ambition , and finally● every particular sinne hath its appointed and determinate officers , having all of them equally ; one onely end and scope to carrie soules to hell. in this divellish armie there are some div●ls , that never come out of hell , but are evermore shut up within it , receiving the soules which enter in thither , and giving to them a place and kinde of torment which their sinnes deserve . there are others who are ever wandring , c●mpassing the earth to and fro , and searching for soules to carrie them into hel. neverthelesse let no man thinke that these have any power o● authoritie to beare away one soule to hell , nor these others to shut up in their darke dennes , vnlesse it be by the expresse commandement and particular commission of god. and so much concerning these hellish officer● . as for its largenesse , it is such , that all sorts of sinfull soules enter into hell , and it is ordinarily full fraughted and peopled with blasphemers , perjur'd persons , murtherers , adulterers , envious persons , and to conclude with all sorts of evill-doers : who although they have in common the essentiall paine , which is the wanting of god , and are all of them in hell , yet they have severall roomes and torments according to everie ones deserving , sithence it is certaine that the paine of him that oweth little shall not be so great at all as the paine of him that oweth much , and that the just iudge chastiseth and recompense●h every one according as he deserveth . to all this varietie is added the extreme confusion of hell , the disorder , the vnquietnesse , the vnrulie cariage , and con●in ualagitation , with which they are alwaies tormented , seeing it is evident , that where rage and despaire reigneth , there can be no friendly fellowship nor agreement . this estate , practise & disposition of the horrible pit of this hellish lodging is the lively pourtraict of that desperate life , which men suffer in prison , in which the beholder shal find so in tire & so mutuall a correspondence that there is not almost any other difference between them but in the name . because that first to the essentiall paine of hel , which is the depriving of gods powerful presence , the want of liberty hath correspondence , which with a just ●i●le we may cal a paine essentiall , for so much as it is the queen of al the apprehēsions & motives of sorrow , which are able to afflict a good wit. and as in that , the soule being deprived of god , it is also deprived of all worldly pleasures , even so in this ( to wit in prison ) it enjoyeth not any thing which hath the least shadow of content . because that although a prisoner were clothed with purpurple , served as a king , fed with the most delicate vitailes of the world , his chamber hang'd with cloth of gold , that hee were entertained with all sort of musicke , visited by his parents and friends , all this , nor all that could be desired more could bring him any kinde of comfort . on the contrary he should have lesse , because that all things availe nothing but to awaken his appetite and make him desire that which others enjoy , and to which he cannot attaine . whenceproceedeth the increasing of his want ( of libertie ) and consequently his paine . the harshnesse and force of depriving ( of libertie ) may be easily , known by its contrarie , this being infallible that the depriving of one thing shall be by so much evill as the possession of it shall be good . and libertie being the most precious iewell of the soule , and the greatest perfection , which the vnbounded author of this , hath engrafted in the reasonable creature ; it is certaine that the depriving thereof shall be the most crosse and vnsufferable of all others . that libertie is that which guideth and directe●h mans actions to diverse ends , without enforcing them and with pleasure , choosing , and commanding , experience teacheth this , in which the supreme work-master would distinguish man from other living creatures , whose end obtaineth by a naturall instinct , which leadeth them , as by a bridle , to the appetite and delight in it , and that it is so powerfull , and maketh man so absolute , that his vnderstanding having proposed the good , the perfect , the honest and the delectable , he may resolve with himselfe to love it or not to love it at all , sith that none but god may aske a reason of this so absolute commandement , naturall philosophie telleth it . whence and from many other reasons , which i could bring , it is clearely perceived that there is not any thing in the world , to which the essentiall paine of hell can more properly be compared , than to the depriving of libertie , seeing it bringeth man to such extremitie , that he abhorreth himselfe , his being , his ranke , and his estate . he knoweth well this truth which i write , who hath sometimes beene in prison , laded with chaines and with irons , subject to the rage of that terrible abode , cursing ( though noble and well borne ) his being , his condition and noblenesse , grieving to be that which he is , and wishing to be a great deale meaner . in midst of which despaire hee envieth the peaceable condition and tranquillity , of the commons , and could wish to have beene borne of the most base dregs of the people . he curseth his actions and his studies , the points of honour which his parents taught him , the vnderstanding which he hath , thinking with himselfe , that if he were a privat man , he should not at all see himselfe in so miserable and so extreame a perplexitie , and that this would not be litle enough for him , if despaire left him amongst the folke of that same sort and nature : but it goeth on refining and consuming him in the fire of impatience , in such sort , that it draweth him out of his reasonable being , and bringeth him to that of a brute beast , and to the most base and infinite kindes of them , that groaning for libertie , he envieth the bird that flieth , the dog that barketh , the pismire that travelleth , and desireth to be one of them . and the venome of this fierce beast stayeth not there , for tying harder the cords of a poore prisoner , it draweth him out of the ranke and file of living creatures , making him desire to be a tree , an image or a stone , bringing him to nothing , and making him bewaile that ever hee was borne in the world . by which it is clearely seene that the want of liberty making so unhappy a change in man , as to throw him headlong from the highest & most perfect of his inclination and appetite , to the basest and lowest , and from the image and likenesse of god , to nothing ; this is the most strong and most rigorous paine that can be imagined , and that which truely doth better represent the essential paine of hell. to the accidentall paine doe correspond the innumerable afflictions and calamities , which follow the depriving of libertie , amongst which are the stinke of the prison , the disorderly frame of the buildings , the defamed companie , the continuall and huge lewd voices , the diversitie of nations , the differing humors , the shame , the persecution , the difgrace , the mocquerie , the crueltie , the blowes , the torments , the poverty and the miseries without number , which are suffered in prison , of the which , and of other depriving of libertie the lively patterne of hell is framed and composed . as touching the executioners and officers , no man will deny but that all the earth is full of incarnat divells , more obstinate and more accursed in their kinde than those of hell , the most part of them being fallen , as lucifer and his followers , from the heaven of honour . i will say that for the deserving , and sinnes which they have committed , the angell saint michael , who is the iustice , hath drawne them from the fellowship and dwelling of the good , and they seeing themselves beaten downe and dishonoured , have taken vpon them the office of divels , to avenge themselves of the poore innocent soules , running day & night thorow the streets , markets and publike places of the citie , smelling out and searching for people to lay them in prison . and these are they who commonly are called sergeants , who drag a poore man to prison with such rage and tyrannie , as these in the perpetuall hell could not utter more . and if we be able to find any difference betweene them , it is this , that the divells of hell fly from the signe of the crosse ; but those of the prison love , reverence and adore that happy signe , in such sort , that hee who would deale well with them , and somewhat turne their rigour into a litle pitie , it is necessarie that hee have alwayes the crosse in his hands , for at what time hee shall leave it , they will torment him ten times more than his sinne can deserve : but they having met with him , they say a pater noster for the soule which they take , untill they come to da nobis bodie , and they goe not at all any further . these divells are those who walke commonly through the streetes , and places of the citie , seeking for soules in the most secret corners , the multitude and trade of whom is so great , that i doe n●● thinke there are more legions of divels in hell , than there be sergeants in the common-wealth . amongst them there be some that goe on horsebacke , who have charge to travell into the countrey , unto places farre remote from the citie , and to bring men into prison from places most solitarie and quiet . these , for that they being of a more haughtie nature than the others , we may call orientalls from the region of fire , and these are called archers or messengers , the legion or companie of whom hath for their chieftaine or captaine a great divell whom they call provest . there are other divels in this hell , the i●feriors of the aforenamed , who goe ordinarily by tens or twenties in a companie , disguised and masked , to spie if they can catch one poore soule by treacherie , they are so cowardly so effeminate and dastardly , that they meete sometimes to the number of fortie and all to take one man , and yet they dare not adventure to take him their selves alone , without the assistance and aide of a divell with a long gown , who vsually accompanieth them . they goe alwayes atter'd , torne and naked , and this is the lowest and most infinite legion of all as the hob-goblins vnder ground , whom the people have beene accustomed to call apparitors . every legion of these divells have an infinite number of halfe-divells who goe disguised and covered through the citie , taking notice of all that is done there , with great subtiltie and craft . they take and change every day a thousand formes and shapes , shewing themselves in every companie in a severall manner ; at one occasion going like countrey-men , in an other like strangers , by & by of one profession , and by and by of another . these are they who with great sleight and subtiltie discover the price , after the same manner as the lying dogs doe the partridges , bringing the aforesaid divels to the proper place of the soule , which they would take , and pointing it out as with the finger : and these we call spies , and amongst them they are called recorders . there be other divels , who are esteemed more noble and more courteous , whose office is to repeale penalties , commissions , requests , to baile a soule , and to take the burthen on themselves , answering for it every time that the iudge asketh for it . and though it be in their keeping , they give it alwayes time and place to solicite its owne affaires , to visite its iudges , and to pleade its cause , vsing with it some pitie and friendship . finally they have a nature mingled with goodnesse and malice , and they are betweene divels and angels , whom by reason of the familiaritie which they have with man , wee may call them airie divells ; and these the common people call doore-keepers . all these aforesaid divels , & others whom i leave to mention for avoiding prolixitie , are found in the world , every one of whom goeth severall waies , leading soules into the hell of prison , & all of them , after the manner of evil spirits are divided into divers legions and troopes . yet notwithstanding they torment not the soules because they enter not into hell themselves , onely they deliver them to lucifers lievetenant the iayler , & returne incontinent vnto their walke ; for to give up their account to their captaine , of the tentations which they have practized that day , and of the number of soules which they have carried that day to prison , every one of them reckoning up the inventions & wiles which he hath practized in his hellish office. there be also other divells which never go out of the prisō , nor have any other imployment , but to torment the poore soules which enter in thither . and those are so tyrannous , so cruel & so wicked , that they satisfie not their inraged hunger but by sucking the bloud , & the life of the poore captive that fals among their hands : albeit they suffer him to breath so long ; while they have emptied his purse . and these be the under porters & servants of the iayler , who , as a president of that dreadfull dwelling , receives the prisonner from the hands of the sergeant and writes in his booke the day of his entring , his accusation , his name and the name of that divell that hath taken him . these shut-up divells have no power nor authoritie to torment a soule which the others do bring in , nor these others to take them , but by the command of iustice declared by some honourable officer , who with reason and truth by a signed writing chargeth these uncleane spirits to take such a soule . as for the rest it may well be proved that every sergeant hath power to leade a man to prison , even so as every divell may beare a soule to hell , seeing that there ordinarily entreth thither an infinite number of prisoners , and every one imprisoned by his severall iudge : some answer before a iudge with a long gown , others before one with a short gown , without reckoning , many other officers of iustice , who as good angels have authoritie and power to exercise it , who have their appointed and praticular divels , who execute their commandment and will. as touching the diversitie of the lodgings and places of their abode , the curious shall see many differing in the prison , every one fitted for the prisoners delight . for hee who is not criminall , and who is noble is usually lodged in the lightsomest chambers and neatest contrived : but understand that the noblenesse of a prison consisteth in a good purse . those that be of a meaner qualitie & deserving are fitted in certain darke & black chambers , where smoke and cinders continually bearesway . the prison hath yet this property of hel , to take in all sort of sinners & criminals , being usually peopled , and full of theeves , russians , cut-purses , panders , whoores , murtherers , perjured men , bankrupts , cheaters , usurers , & sorcerers , in as great varietie as the living creatures that entered into noahs arke , so that entry is not denied nor the gate shut against any . of this remarkeable variety the confused multitude of a prison is composed with a thousād other circumstances which accompanie it , which because it is altogether disorderly & without bounds i shal not be able to reduce it to one terme or name , nor to give it a definition which universally comprehendeth all the miseries of this dreadfull dwelling , if the curious reader will not be contented with the analogie and proportion which it hath with the perpetuall hell. the which being supposed as a thing most proper to a prison , we shall be able to describe it by its properties & by experience , saying , that a prison is no other thing but a land of calamitie ▪ a dwelling of darkenes , a habitation of miserie or an eternall horrour inhabited without any kind of order . it is a confused chaos without any dis●inction , it is a bottomles pit of violence which hath nothing that is in its own center , it is a tower of babylon where all speake and none heare , it is a medley against nature , in which is seene the peace and agreement of two contraries , mingling the noble with the infamous , the rich with the poore , the civill with the criminall , the sinner with the just , it is a communaltie with agreement ; one whole by accident , a composition without parts , a religion without orders or lawes , and a body without a head . the prison is the grave of noblenesse , the banishment of courtes●e , the poyson of honour , the center of infamie , the quintessence of disparagement ; the hell of good wits , the 〈◊〉 of pretences , the paradise of cousenage , the martyrdome of innocence , the cloude of truth , the treasure of despaire the fining-pot of friendship , the wakener of rage , the baite of impatience , the mine of treasons , a den of foxes , the refuge of vengeance : the punishment of force , and the headsman of life . there he that yesterday was great , to day is meane ; hee that was happy in the city , now starveth there ; he that was richly clad , is starke naked , he that commanded , obeyeth ; he that had his court full of caroches and rich saddles , findeth not now one more to visite him . there civilitie is turned into insolence , courage to subtiltie ▪ ●●amelesse outfacing into vertue , blasphemie into valour , flattery into eloquence lyes to truth , silence to noise modestie to boldnesse , knowledge to ignorance , and order to confusion : and to end the miserie of that unluckie place : i conclude in saying that it is a forrest full of wilde beasts , in which the one teareth the other , eating his heart and drinking his bloud , so that no scruple of conscience , feare of god , suspition of love , compassion or other respect whatsoever which can have any shadow of vertue or of goodnesse is able to hinder them . there one weepeth and another singeth , one prayeth and another blasphemeth , one sleepeth , another wal●●eth , one goeth out , another commeth in , one is condemned , another absolved , one payeth , another demandeth , and finally one shall hardly finde two of one exercise and will. one will be eating in a corner , another will pisse behind him : and in the middle of them another shall pull off his shirt and strip himselfe starke naked . every one is imployed in his particular exercise , they not having any other houre or time appointed for that save their will , which being disordered , free in its actions , produceth them without any let or shame . in that which concerneth the sustenance of life , there is no order kept there among them , because that hunger is their appetite , their time of meales alwayes , their table the bare board , their sawce the nastinesse and filthy stinke , and their musicke sneesing and belchings . the hangings of their chambers are all mourning , with some borders of spiders-cloth ( cobwebs ) , their seates the ground or some stone greased with two inches of fat bacon . the dishes where they eate are alwayes enemies to cleanlinesse , to serve for a pot-lid and other vses more base , and for spoones they are served with five fingers spotted like iasper , and having their nailes of a huge length . as for their drinke , the industrie of man teacheth them to make a pit in the top of their hat , and to drinke in it more grease than wine . and if peradventure there be found among them a pot or kettle , it shall be , according to the order and custome of the prison , batter'd without a handle , nor without vernish , and hath past the first yeare of apprentiship , and hath beene vsed in the most base offices , serving for a pisse-pot , for a flagon , for a vineger bottle , for an oile-pot and a bason . as for napkins , they take their skirts , or the outside of their breeches , and for a table-cloth the wrongside of a poore old cloake , threed-bare and fuller of beasts than that linnen cloth which s. peter saw in da●ascus . in their garments they keepe a great uniformitie , going all of them clothed after the manner of lent , and with s. austins habite , but so tatter'd and pucker'd , and so fitted to the passions and necessities of their bodies , so that without breaking their cod-piece point they want not a perpetuall loosenesse to satisfie their flux of the belly . they live apostollically , without scrip without staffe and without shooes , having nothing superfluous nor double : contrariwise there is so great simplicitie that they cover all their body with one only shirt , whereof many times they have no more save the sleeves , and they never leave it off till it can go alone of its owne accord . if momu● should come into the prison he could finde nothing to reprove them for , because one may see them to the very intralls . the combe , tooth-pickers , brush , handkerchiefe , looking-glasse , sope-balls are banisht from this place : of which povertie groweth so great an abundance that in their head , beard , stomack & flanck●s a camell might be hidden . we cannot say that there is any kinde of vices in the prison , because that idlenesse the mother of them hath no entrie there , because they are all carefull and watchfull to search for that which is necessarie for life : and their overplus time they spend in exercising themselves on diverse instruments of musicke having the itch for the mistresse of that vertue . they have also their appointed houres for the military art , in the which they fight with their bodily enemies , whence they retire evermore with the victorie , bearing continually for triumph & trophees the bloud on their nailes . they live in evangelicall hope never troubling themselves with the care of that which they should eate or drinke to morrow . their ordinarie comfort is the faith and hope which they have to come out of prison one day , and put an end to their miseries . with this comfort they live , ever dying , putting cataracts and deceiveable imaginations before the eyes of their reason . and if by chance the time of their imprisonment endeth , and iustice giveth assent that some one of them goe forth , then the divell is so carefull and so watchfull troubling and quelling his libertie , that it seemeth to him there are no gates through which hee can get out . one withholds him asking a debt thirtie yeares old , another the succession of one of his grandfathers , and another sheweth a band more ancient than the deluge . and when his diligence and meanes have delivered him from his enemies without , these within doores begin to thunder out another song , for one demandeth of him five shillings which he lent him eleven months ago , another that should pay for a pot which he brake to him , another draweth forth a bill of reckoning , asking him for ten eggs and a sallet which he paid for him . this man demandeth that he should pay him the good-morrow's which he hath given him , another the good nights , one askes his cap , another his doublet , another his shooes and all lay hold upon him . and when he escapeth this importunate swarm of bees , these tunes begin to deafe his eares ; the iayler demands of him the rights of the prison , his entrance , his going forth , and the time that he hath tarried there , for his sleeping , his talking , his eating , his sneesing and his coughing , and all the time that he hath lived within there , making more scores in his booke than an astrologer on the erecting of an horoscope . and when he hath given him that which he demands of him without reason , he askes his gloves , his iayle fees , his slippers , his old shooes and a coife for the maide-servant . the dog askes him to pay for his watching and barking that he hath kept for him while he slept , the cat for the paines she hath taken to cleare his chamber from mice and rats , one pulls him on this side and another on that , and all catch hold of him like briers , while they have left him dry , pluckt bare , throng'd and as naked as his mother bare him . this in briefe termes , is the miserable practise of thi●● living patterne of hell , with all its circumstances , in every one of which there 〈◊〉 matter enough to make 〈◊〉 long and profound discourse ▪ that the reader may be● thinke himselfe hereof , that being affrighted at the hardnesse thereof , he may avoide the dangerous inconveniences which are presented every day to a man as long as he is at libertie : for if he fall once into the divels hands , and beforced to passe through the wicket of hell , though his cause were his protector , he should waite for s. michael ; and if iustice were his protector , he should ever remaine burnt with the marke of hell , into which who so once entereth , hee leaueth the best thing that he hath amongst pluto's hands . and albeit that hee enter there fuller and richer than the queene of saba when she came to see king salomon , he shall come forth more lanke , more drie and more feeble than the seven kine that pharaoh saw in his dreames . chap. ii. of a pleasant discourse whic● the author had in prison with a famous theife . to the end that none be deceived with this proverbe which ▪ most men hold for a maxime , when they say , that all noveltie is well pleasing ; because that albeit logicke should not condemne this proposition as false , experience would discover its deceit : for i doe not thinke that there is any one in the world that hath found the prison pleasant , even at the first time that he entred therein . i may say of my selfe , that when i was there , though it was new to me i found not any thing that i liked ; on the contrarie , the pleasure which novelties bring with them was turned into notable admiration and extreame paine , seeing that which willingly i would not have seene , and talking of that which lea●● pleased me . i spent the first dayes even as all those , who enter into that place have beene accustomed to passe them , which is to con●ider the lodgings , to be vexed at the companie , and to shun the familiar conversing with the prisoners . and i might have past all the time of my imprisonment in such like employment , if it had lien in my power to do it , because that the companie invited me not to acquaint my selfe . but the necessitie being accompanied with exceeding great curiositie which prisoners have , when any one entereth newly into prison , tied me to frame my selfe to the usuall fashion of these people , from whom i had a sufficent report of the subjects and qualities of that habitation , without other paines-taking than to give them the hearing , because that by it a discreete man shall know moe sins in foure dayes than a confessor in a hundreth yeares . in the conclusion with a faire shew and some pieces that i had in my purse i purchased the good will of all the rable , in such sort , that there was not any man of what ranke soever who did not esteem much of me , & participated not with me the most inward of his conscience . but the continu●ll companie of this tedious● conversation troubled me , in such sort that i was not mine owne , nor had i the libertie to spend one quarter of an houre by my selfe alone . so lessayed by a thousand meanes to ridde my selfe from the head-strong importunities of those undiscreet people , but it was not possible for me to free my selfe , without taking the office that i had got over them . wherefore i was desirous to trie , if in this martyrdome , seeing i deserved no such thing , i could finde some pleasure to divert my minde and entertaine them . so continuing my no lesse accustomed than troublesome occupation , sitting one day upon a bench which was in the chappell of the prison , in the companie of three or foure of these gallants , hearing some difficulties , whereof they were come to consult with mee upon the ten commandements , i heard the echo of a sorrowfull voyce , which called me pitifully . all the standers by were amazed ; one of them ranne to be informed of this vnlooked-for newes , but the speedy hast of him , which sought for me , prevented the curiositie of him who was gone out to know the newes ; for ●carsty had we heard the voyce , when after it , entred at the doore one of my religious followers ( held in great esteeme amongst those people who were none of the holiest ) with his colour changed , his virage bathed with teares , without a hat , his 〈◊〉 crossed , sighing and be serching with great 〈◊〉 the companie , that they would let him be alone with me , amplifying his request by the 〈◊〉 of th●se , as the pricipall 〈◊〉 of mishap . they departed the place , and he seeing himselfe alone and with freedome to discover his thoughts to me , without any other preface , preamble , advertisement or courtesie , he said to me . sir , to day is my feast day , and they have made me a gift of a clarke of a harbour , with a cardinalls hat : what remedie shall i be able to finde for so great a mischiefe . verily this darke speech of his words , together with the manner of telling it , held mee somewhat in doubt , because i knew not how to comment upon so vncouth a language followed with so many fights and groanes . neverthelesse making 〈…〉 these words and already guessing that which it might be , i beleeved that he had got this hat at some pot of wine and that out of the abundance thereof this noble dignitie had climed up to the head . so smiling i said to him : my friend , the post that hath brought you this newes , is he of a douzen or of twentie ? it is not of twelue , nor offoure , unhappy man that i am ! answered he , for i am not drunke , nor ever was i in all my lifetime , and would to god that all the world were so retired in this action as i am : but as the proverbe saith , some have the name , the others have the eff●ct . and you doe not well to make a poore unhappie wretch that askes your counsell in his extreame affliction . his answer to the purpose redoubled my astonishment , and not being able to hit at that which this might meane , i said to him somewhat in anger ; make an end then to relate to me the cause of your paine , and hold me no more in doubt with your darke speeches or ridles . now i know , sir , said he , that yee have not studied martiall tearmes , nor you vnderstand not as yet galunatias his stile , so it will be hard for you to vnderstand the comming together of two solide bodies with the perspective of red flowers in a white field . from this second answer i fully resolved that hee was not drunke , but foolish , and as to such a one , i agreed with him to all that he said , although i vnderstood him never a whit . and taking the subject to reason with him upon the same reasons , i asked him , who made him a cardinall and why ? to which he answered me thus . you should understand that some officers of the three and of the five of topo & tango vpon the seventh and the goe met me one sunday at midnight and finding me with the 〈◊〉 de bastons the lot would that they should run a hazard , and i remained with the money . they were deceived , and desiring to revenge their wrong , they went to scipion , declaring an vniversall head which they had seene in my hands , upon which they made long ●●●ormations by the signe●●● 〈…〉 : and at the end of a rigorous examination which they had of me , they found mee not good enough to be pope , they left me the office of a cardinall . you ought to account your selfe happy , i answerd him , having so great a dignitie , seeing that few obtaine it , and these with great paines and travell . i would quite it , with all my heart , saith he , and that without pension , if any one would receive it for mee , and i would moreover binde my selfe to him to pay for the seales , because to speake the truth , it is a charge too heavy for me , and hee that gives it , hath not any good reputation among the people nor many friends in the 〈◊〉 and this is the cause that i make no great account of it ▪ and doe not thinke that in saying , that i will no wayes accept of it , i can helpe my selfe of this paine : for it is not in my power , nor in theirs who receive the like charges to be able to refuse them , sithence dignities are bestowed by deservings , and albeit that men refuse them , they are made to take them by force , that no man may refuse them nor make resistance by too great humilitie , they binde it upon him as if he were a foole . truely my friend , said i then to him ; you ought to account your selfe happy and very fortunate , for such an election ; this being supposed that it is made for deserving , and not for favour . very fortunate , saith hee , assuredly i am , howbeit an vnworthy sinner , but no wise happy , for if i were , i should not be very fortunate . with this answer i began to see clearly , that he was neither foolish nor drunke : but that dissembling hee covered his words of this his chatting , and resolute to leave him with his — i rise speaking to him some harsh words , to which hee answered with great humilitie , saying , sir i beseech you to stay your choler a litle : for it is not without a mysterie , that i have spokē to you in a riddle , and beleeve me that in this i have had no other intention , but to hide my mishaps from some — who usually watch harkning after the life of another , to report them to their copsemates . but now seeing that i can utter it to you without feare i will explaine my selfe , being well assured that a man of so good a wit as you are , will not be offended to heare my weakenesse , and will not deny me your good counsell which out of your charitie i promise to my selfe . so know that cardinall is that which to day at noone one hit mee over the shoulders : the clarke of harbour hee that receiveth such as are condemned to the gallies : those of three , are some of our companie , are some that watch the streete , when any theft is committed , and these have the third part ▪ those of five are some honorable persons , or at least held for such by th● common people , who hid● and keepe the theft in their house , and for that the fifth part is given to them . now you shall know that by misliking i being one night in a list that was made , the booty was so little , that there was not whereof to make neither fourth nor fifth , and i being the man that put himselfe in greatest danger i was willing to goe away with all , promising to redresse the bygone fault in another more gainefull occasion . those of seven ; and goe , i will tell my companions found not this satisfaction to the purpose , which i gave them , because that absolutely they would have their share i seeing that it was altogether impossible , for that i had already eaten it , turned the processe to a quarrell , and laying hold on a baton which is the as that you have heard , gave one of them a sound blow over the head ; who seeing himselfe wounded , and his companions cheated , went to s. scipion who is the major , and accused mee that i was a theife at crochet , which is an instrument where with we open all manner of doores , and following the accusation they made me be laid up in prison ▪ the lords of the court , whom we call 〈◊〉 , condemned mee to goe the accustomed rounds about the streets , and 〈…〉 to serve his 〈◊〉 in the gallies of marseilles . which execution should be made this same day at noone ; i tremble because ten a clocke is strucke already . if ye have any remedy to give me , ye will doe a great worke of mercy , because i feare that the hangman having stript mee , and finding five markes about me which were unjustly given me , doubtlesse he will make mee take a shorter journey . the wretch had proceeded thus far with the explaining of darke speech , ere ever 〈◊〉 could break off his discourse ; so great was the astonishment which his entangled met aphors left me in , & ending his story with a deep sigh , which came from his very soule , he fell halfe , dead betweene my armes . he being come 〈◊〉 himselfe againe , i began to comfort him the best i possibly could , counselling , for the last remedy to appeale to the court , hoping alwayes for more mercie , from the highest seate of justice , than from the inferior iudges scarcely had i ended my words but three or foure of his companions , dying for laughter enter'd at the chappell doore , saying to him that the newes which they had tolde him were false , and those lashes were imaginary , that it was a tricke of his enemies maliciously invented to trouble and vexe him . with this newes the poore wretch came againe so suddenly to his first estate , that save there remained some remembrance of his first taking it to heart , he cut moe than five and twenty capers in the ayre , with a thousand turnings of good liking , and his companions began to play upon him , in which he paid them home their change , with so wittie answers , that hee left me a great desire , to keepe him with me all alone , and at leasure to know at length his vocation and office , and the cleering of some obscure words which he usually mingled in his discourse ; so i intreated him , but he knowing that i had such a desire , in requitall of the patience with which i had heard him , and of the good counsell , which i had given him in his neede , he promist to give me a good account of his life , of his parents life , and the changeable successes which happened to him in his trade ; with all particulars which could be learned amongst those of his office , & having appointed me a place at two in the afternoone ; we went to dinner . chap. iii. to whom the theefe relateth the noblenesse and excellencie of theft . the good andrew ( for so hee was called ) was not at all slothfull to be at the place appointed , nor to declare to me the historie which i had requested with so great a desire : for halfe an houre before that , which wee had appointed , i found that hee waited for me with extreame impatience and so great , that almost without saluting me , hee began to relate his historie , saying . know , sir , that if from the time of your birth ye should have gone searching through all the universities of the world for some one , who with more ground , experience & le●rning then i could informe you of that which yee desire to know , it were impossible to finde him : seeing that in this which toucheth ( and let this be spoken without vanitie ) the understāding of the riddles of mercurie trismegstus , and other darke philosophers , and to be , as they say , of the right haire and feathers , i will not yeelde it to any man in the world . with this and other secrets reserved to my own onely discretion i have found out the philosophers stone and the true elixar of life , with which i turne poyson into medicine , the course cloth into cloth of gold , and hunger into fulnesse and satietie more than sufficient , without putting any thing to it of my goods , save the turning of a hand . i doe not deale as a thousand other ignorant people of our daies , who being blinded by the gainfull end which the practise of the great philosophers-stone promiseth them doe adventure rashly to spend all to finde nothing , & to vndoe a hundred thousand essences to finde one fifth both vncertaine and false , whose excesse and curiositie have none other end but infamie , miscrie and povertie , and finally a shamefull death : for as much as those who have consum'd their owne goods and the goods of their friends , to search for that which they have not found , utter their rage with strokes of hammers upon the seven mettals , which are the cause of their overthrow . and which is worse , with all the tryalls and vnhappie ends of alcumists , there is not any man to whom curiositie will not awaken the appetite , and provoke the will every time that he heareth any man talke of this arte . mine is not of this kinde , and therefore lesse subject to the fancies and idle imaginations of gebor arnaut , raymond lully and other great advancers of the arte , whose knowledge consisteth in not to be understood ; it is easie , plaine and without any mixture neverthelesse he who he● will that shall exercise it , it is necessarie that hee be wise , prudent and well advised , because that wanting or failing in one whatsoever it be of these things , a man shall easily lose in an instant all that he hath gained in all his life . this noble art also hath not aristotles principles , because that as well he as all others that follow him , imagined that nothing could be made of nothing : this being true that in this our art , all things are made of nothing ; and if we may attribute any principle of them which he propoundeth in his physicks , it is the pri●ation only ▪ seeing that from it alone we come to the possession of infinit wealth . as ●or our tooles , i cōfesse there are some , forasmuch as there is no trade that can be without them , but neverthelesse they are so easie & so cheape , that we well nigh make them our selves , after they are made , they last time out of minde . the ground then to busie one of our trade , is onely the good courage and sound disposition of his body and limmes , and with this alone a man becommeth his crafts-master , without any other ornament — and doe no● think that this art , having so poore a beginning as nothing , is shamful or infamous , for it is the most noble , the absolute and the most priviledged of all those that are in the world , so farre forth that acknowledgeth nor respecteth neither king nor knave , nor careth it for all the monarchs of the earth , nor for the ecclesiastike power , nor for the secular : but rather all pay tribute and travels for him . its fields are fruitfull in drie grounds , it gathers the fruit without sowing , it hath no traffique with any , and demands of all , it lendeth to no body , and all are indebted to it , its harvests grow without raine , and there is not any thing whereof it taketh not the tithes . there commeth not any fleete from the indies , nor great ship from the levant , wherof of it not make shew to be partner , there is not a guine marchant , that is not its debtor , and finally , it catcheth up all . and which ought to be most valued in this pretious art , is the great ease with which it is exercised , in which it exceeds all other arts , that are till these our times found out in the world , the end of which is contrary to that of this , because that is perfected in the doing , this in undoing , and to undoe being more easie than to doe ( as the philosopher saith ) doubtlesse it is ●ut that our art is easier than all others whose end is obtained with great paines , travells and difficulties . honest andrew had proceeded further in the praises and excellencie of his trade , if i had not broke him off with an extreame impatience , the titles of honour and noblenesse which hee gave it seeming to me altogether improper , as well for that it is of it selfe imfamous , as for the innumerable dangers which usually happen to them , who undertake such like traffiques : wherefore i said to him ; i do not know , andrew , how nor by what reason you your selfe reckon up to me these arts so noble , so easie and so profitable , seeing that you have related to me the perilous extremities in which you have beene , which your povertie and calamity assure me to be of little profit & of great misery which is therein , that makes mee to marvel very much at your persevering in your unhappy trade , ere you were made wise by the experiences past . you have reason ( he answered ) and i confesse that many hazards and disgraces light upon vs , but one oxe eateth more than a hundred larks , i will say that one good encounter shoulders out many disgraces , which have not in so great number as you thinke , and though they were , it is not possible for vs to give over this trade but by death , because this art hath i cannot tell what with it , that it is like one sicke of the dropsie , who the more he drinks the more he thirsts , and of one onely act there becommeth a habite , qui difficilè removetur a subjecto , which is hardly removed from the subject . and i know wel that you wil like my doctrine well , being so learned a man as you are , seeing they are accustomed to dispute among the philosophers if this maxime of aristotle ( who saith expluribus actibus generatur habitus , of many actions is begot a habit ) be universally true . and some say that of one only action a habit may be bred , which should be understood of morall actions , and those of worser sort : i will affirme that to breede a continuall custome in sinning , one only action is sufficient : but to doe well , there is need of many . the reason is cleere , for that the will of man being disposed to sinne , because it is called fomes peccati , the fewell of sinne , and for the miseries drawen upon it in its conception , one action alone leaveth in it a certaine inward disposition with which it becommeth easie , and disposed to like actions ; but the desire being so marred , corrupt and ill disposed to receive vertue , there needeth not only one vertuous action , but many , if any disposition or custome of doing well should remaine after it . by which you may judge that albeit a thousand disgraces fall upon us it were almost impossible for us to forsake our trade , nor change our life , having already turned it into a nature , and if this should be done , it should be needfull to make the world a new againe , more or lesse all wooll is haire , we are all of us of one brothers hood , no man is content with his state , he that hath most desireth more , that which costeth little agreeth best with us , and all ( as the proverbe goeth ) like well . but mishap be to that infortunat man who payeth for all ; for as the proverb saith , the gallowes are for all such , we rubbe all men , and for those sinnes some are hang'd , others are rich ▪ happy are they who robbe hippocrates-like , i will speake as the physitians ; whose faults the earth covereth , so that no man is able to accuse them , nor aske restitution of his life , and of the money which they have publickly rob'd and in the view of all the world . and though some of these be spirituall men , others temporall , notwithstanding all meete in the same way , and shoote at one marke : for there be also horseleeches which sucke the world sweetly , and wring their necke , with a sad dumpish countenance , and a faire shew colour their ambitious designes with godly words . and for them , it is said in the proverbe , the divell is behinde the crosse. there are others also , who though they wring not the necke , nor speake so much of god , apply neverthelesse the jurisdiction of their offices in favour of him that giveth them most ; who being lap 't in long wide gownes making them to bee respected there is not a man that dare to give thē a word , nor shew by any signe the evil satisfaction that they have by them : but the wretched person that neither hath god in his mouth , nor barke wherwith to hide himselfe , if he be not very wise & prudent all the persecutions of the world hang about him at once , all men spit in his face , and he is the marke of all the abuses in the world : wherfore blame not our art before you understand it ; for you should so offend all the world & perhaps your selfe , sith no man liveth without f●ult . how much more if you knew what sweetnesse thereis to gather the fruit where one hath not planted , and to find the in gathering in his garner & in his cellar , himself having neither fielde nor vineyard , you would even licke your fingers at it . is this a smal matter i pray you , that a man riseth in the morning not having penny nor farthing , nor knowing yet whence to have it for to nourish his family , and yet ere night he is worth a hundred crownes , & knoweth not whence they came ? is this a small matter in greatest sloth and necessitie to finde apparell cut and slasht without paying either for stuffe or making ? is there any such noblenesse in the world , as to be a gentleman without rents , and to have other mens goods so his own , as that hee may dispose of them at his will , without costing him any more but to take them ? doe you thinke it a small matter to be a marchant without a stocke , to gaine two hundreth for nothing , without crossing the seas , going to faire or market , not caring if the marchant turne banque-rupt , if the yeare be barren or plentiful , if wares be deare or cheape ? and if ye will take our trade by way of reputation or credit , doth it seeme a small thing to you , to finde one who will insure us our life , whatsoever wee doe , and to have at our becke some iudges , who save us from the lash from the gallies , from torture & from the gallowes only with a single & wel-assured promise to satisfie them with the gaine of our next theft ? and that they do this not only for us , but for our friends , kindred and acquaintance ? abuse not your selfe , and acknowledge that there is no life more assured in this world than ours , for instead of one displeasure that wee have , there are infinite pleasures and contentments to be enjoyed . and 〈…〉 much for my profession and trade . chap. iiii. to him the thiefe relateth the life and death of his parents and the first disgrace that befell him . as for my race , you shall know that i am a man borne of a woman , in a town of this world , whose name i lost in a sicknesse which i had in the yeare sixe hundred and foure . my , father was called peter and my mother hope , people , though meane , honorable and vertuous , of good reputation and praise-worthy manners . and as for the goods of fortune , they were not so great , that they were able to give bribes , nor marry orphans out of their meanes , nor so meane , that they obliged themselves to aske almes , nor to subject themselves to any man , but they were people that knew how to live , and that had bread to eate , and clothes to put on . in all the course of their life there was nothing found that they could be reproched for , nor whereof they could be reproved , because they heeded no other thing ( particularly my mother ) but to keepe their honour and the good esteeme which they had gained , for which and for the freedoome and faire conditions of their proceedings and conversation , all the world honored and loved them . but as vertue is ordinarily envied , and honest people persecuted , there was no want of malicious and wicked people , who by false and rash calumnies darkned the brightnesse and glistering of their good works & the cleannes of their life . they were accused ( i say ) to have robbed a church , to have spoiled the vestrie with the ornaments and chalices , and which is worse , to have cut off s. bartholomews hand , who was upon an altar , which they said was of silver . an accusation as malicious as false , especially , for my mothers part , whose devotion towards the saints was so great , that when she went to church , if my father had not pull'd her out by the haire , or the sexton had not shut the doore against her , there was no meanes to make her come out of the church , although shee had beene three dayes without meate , and her devotion was so knowne to all the people , that she never came forth to the streete , but a thousand folke praied her to say some ave maria for women with child , sicke and other afflicted persons , having all of them great faith in her prayers . but as there are traitors enough to condemne a just man , and in this age innocency serveth to no purpose , if it be not favoured , for so much as the lawes goe as it pleaseth kings , it came to passe that notwithstanding the reproaches which they gave in against the witnesses , more than sufficient to refute the malice of the accusers , and to manifest the innocencie of the accused , they condemned them to die , and together with them a brother of mine , and my mothers nephew . verily the case was strange and scandalous , though false , and their death unjust : but whatsoever the cause i doe not envie them the profit , which let them eate with their bread , they shall not goe to rome for penance , for there is a god in the world that seeth all things , and seeing he punisheth that he will not suffer one haire of the just to perish , it belongs to him to avenge the wrong done to his servants , for so i may call them , yea even martyrs , sith they constantly , suffered death for the love of god , they being accused of faults which they had not committed . a tricke , finally that they being poore , they were constrained to pay with their life , that which they were not able with their goods . i only may praise my selfe that i found some mercie with the iudges , in consideration of my young yeares , and of the small experience that i had ; yet the favour they shewed me , was a grace with sinne : because iustice left me my life , with condition that i shuld be the executioner of these martyres . i was very unwilling and did all i could , not to commit so execrable a crime as that is , to take away their lives that had given me mine : but it was impossible to excuse me , but by losing my life with them . wherefore i considering that another would doe that , which i refused , and of the other side the perswasion of my friends who with a great charge upon my conscience , counselled me to doe it , that so the whole kindred of my parents should not be lost , and that there should remaine some one in the world who might pray for them ; i put on a resolution to doe that which for any other respect i would never have done . but this is my comfort , which is not a little one to me , that my father gave me his blessing at the houre of his death forgiving me all that i could have committed in this world , against the respect and reverence , which i owed him , giving me also some wholesome counsels , and recommending to me vertue and the feare of god , above all that i should ever strive to be like my parents and that i should shew my selfe such a one as those of whom i was descended . with these reasons and some others i remained greatly comforted , and resolved to end my prison with their life . i was left an orphan , young , alone , or ill accompanied , and without counsell , without knowing what side to turne me to , for to maintaine that life which these gentlemen had left me , because that the cockering and good cheere in which my mother had bred me , had beene the especiall cause of my undoing , shee suffering me to live idlely and lazily . neverthelesse i seeing that the memorie of the good past brought me no profit , and that if i should live and eate bread it ought to be with the sweate of my browes , i determined to looke out for a master whom i might serve , or some handie-crafts-man with whom i might learne some trade , which was all in vaine , because that the accident of my parents being in fresh memorie , and their infamie yet late , i found not one that would receive me into his house , nay not so much as to be a groome of his stable : wherefore i was forced to leave the countrey , and to goe try my fortunes in a strange countrey . what countrey is that ( i asked him then ) in which your parents dwelt , because if i be not deceived in the discourse of your relation , you have changed its right name as also its surname , and your owne ? command me not , i beseech you , answered he , to breake a solemne oath which we of our profession have made amongst our selves , which is never to reveale to any man our own● countrey , nor our parent● name , this being supposed that it availeth little to the truth of my history to know it , and though it seemeth to you that it is no my 〈◊〉 to conceale it , beleeve me you are deceived for so much that there is nothing more dangerous in our art , than to tell a mans true name , as well as of his countrey , as of his baptisme , seeing that as you know , albeit we be fallen a thousand times into the hands of iustice , and that we be as many times convicted of some crime , w●e onely changing our name , we ever make it appeare that this is the first time that we have beene taken , and the first crime whereof we have ever bin accused , and no man knowing the name of our parents , nor of our countrey they cannot be informed of our lives & manners , nor our parents receive any shame from our disgrace seeing that as you may oftentimes haue seene , when they cōdemne a man the first words of his sentence say ; such a one , of such a place , the son of such a man & such a woman is condemned to be whipt or hanged such a day , moneth and yeare , from which proceedeth nothing else , but sorrow to him that dyeth , and dishonour to his parents . if this be so ( said i to him ) you have reason to hid it , & this being supposed that is not for your availe to tel it , & it availeth not me to know it , let us leave it , and follow your historie . it fell out then ( said hee ) that about foure leagues from the place of my birth , i put my selfe apprentice to a shooemaker , it seeming to mee to be the most gainfull of all trades , especially in france , where all those that walke goe at it were post , even as if iustice were running after them , and where all shooe themselves against nature , that which is contained being greater than that which containeth that is to say , the foot greater than the shooe , whence it falleth out that the shooes last a very short while . i opened then mine eyes thither and bend my minde to this trade for that beside the gaine it was the most easie . but as from my infancie my parents had taught me to rip , it was not possible for me so suddenly to change the habite which i had already , turned into nature , and so sixe weeks past ere i could learne to set one right stitch . from this ignorance my master tooke occasion to disdaine me , breaking some lasts on my head , to see if they could leave some impression beside the continuall abstinence with which hee punisht me , some of his friends having said to him that it was a singular remedie — and quicken my wit. this life seemed not good to me nor to bee desired , wherefore i resolved to forsake it , and lay out for another more peaceable , knowing particularly in my selfe some motions of noblenesse , which inclined me to things higher and greater than to make shooes , wherefore i conclude with my selfe to search all meanes possible to bring me into the house of some man of qualitie and rich , being assured that with the faire conditions and readinesse that i had , my service should be well-pleasing to my master . verily the resolution was good , and the thoughts honourable and noble ; but so lame , maime and without force for want of meanes , and apparell to set them forward seeing that it is most certaine , that if with my hands waxed , my apron and other markes of a shoomaker i should have presented my selfe at the gate of some knight , they would not have suffered me to enter this difficultie held mee some few dayes in perplexitie without knowing how to enter upon my enterprises , notwithstanding making a vertue of necessitie , being vexed at the miserable life which i led , i determined to draw physicke out of the disease , and honie from the bees stings , and endeavouring to revenge my selfe on the spanish lether and all shooe-makers . to this effect there came a notable boldnesse in my mind , yea and profitable enough and sure , if fortune who then was my enemie had not over-thrown my designes and my inventions , i considered that if i stole any thing out of the house , my shift should have beene discovered in an instant , and i as a stranger and friendlesse , beene ill dealt withall , particularly , with the hatred which my master bare towards me , & the harshnesse with which they are wont to punish houshold thefts in france . so rising on fryday morning earely than i had been accustomed , rubbing my hands with waxe and also my face , i went with my apron girt to mee , and my hands all bedawbed , to runne through all the shops of the towne , especially those that were best acquainted with my master , and telling to every one that were in the shops , that the gentleman staid at my masters for a paire of bootes of the eights , to put them on incontinent , i asked for one boote to trie if it would fit him that desired them . none made any difficultie to give me it , thinking that a man could not be served with one boote alone , otherwise the most part of the shooe-makers knew me , and these who had never seene me were in a minute so well satisfied with my presence , that if the first finder out of the trade had come , they could not have given him more credite . with this invention i went almost through all the shops of the towne , ever heeding to aske for a boote of the same size , and last that the first was of : and the invention fell out so to the purpose , and with so great ease that in halfe an houres space , i gathered me then two hundred bootes all of one size , and of one fashion , which having tied up in a sacke , i laid them on my shoulders and betooke me to the way . the fact lay dead without suspition almost two houres , but seeing that i came not backe againe , nor returned the boots which i had carried away , nor tooke that which i had left , all of them suspected that which truely fell out . and so this time being past , moe than a hundred apprentices were at the doore where i dwelt , every one asking for his boote , which my master and some few of his neighbours , who loved mee not very well , seeing they told the iustice , who dividing themselves through the three gates of the citie , met mee not very farre from one of them , because the weight of my burthen suffered me not to get out of sight as i could have wisht . they brought me backe to the towne , and proceeding against mee for the fact yet hot and fresh in minde , they condemned me to walke foure houres through the accustomed streets ( that is to be scourged ) with three yeares banishment . chap. v. of the first theefe that was in the world and whence theft had its beginning . although this noble art had no other excellency but the antiquitie of its beginning and the noblenesse of the first finder out thereof , it might suffice to the end that every good wit should approve it for to be the most noble of all those which are practized at this day in the world , the first inventour thereof was one of the fairest angells that was , whose beautie , dignitie and greatnesse was so extolled and high , that the most curious of his perfection found no other title more proper to exalt him than that of the morning starre , governour of the dawning of the day , the sun's ambassadour . this then was the first thiefe that was in the world , or before the world , if it be true that the angells were created before time , who overcome by an ambitio●s desire , adventured rashly to robbe god of his glorie . but hee was degraded because iustice tooke him in the fact , and seazing upon all the goods that hee had , condemned him to perpetuall prison , and together with him all his associats . the second thiefe that ever was in the world was our first father adam , as bold as the angell , yet not so blame-worthie for being not so malicious in his sin , and of lesse knowledge , albeit i cannot be perswaded that hee was ignorant of the obediēce , which he owed to his creator , having knowledge infused in him . neverthelesse overcome by the importunate reasons of his wife , and tormented with an ambitious curiositie hee was desirous to steale the knowledge and wisedome of god. but it fell out as badly to him as to the angell , so that his fleeing and hiding himselfe served him to no purpose , for the iudge having asked him , and he not being able to deny the fact , for that he was taken in the fault , his state of innocencie and originall justice was taken away , he and all his race remaining condemned to spend their life with sweate , travell and mishaps , and his wife to bring forth her children with sorrow . and if you aske mee why god did not equally punish these two theeves , being guiltie of treason , and having attempted one and the same kinde of theft which is the divine perfection . it was to this purpose that i have heard spoken by a great doctour and preacher of the church ; because if god had punisht man with the same rigour that hee punisht the angell withall , he had destroied an intire nature , seing that all men sinned in adam & so the world had remained imperfect . but in punishing the angell , this incōvenience followed not , because many other angels remained in heaven , and all the nature of angels sinned not , and this is the cause why god was not so severe to man as to the angels : but you shal better learn this curiositie from some other , who knoweth it better than i do . it is sufficient that those aforesaid theeves were the first that brought theft into credit in the world . and wee cannot say , that povertie and necessitie stirred them vp to steale , because the first was the noblest and mightiest of all the angells , and the second was the first of all men , king of the living creatures , and absolute lord of the earth . from thence is brought in the deceite which to the day , this world seeth , beleeving that poverty was the finder out of theft , seeing it is riches and prosperitie , because the love & desire of honour and riches groweth so much the more as it is increased , as a poet saith very well . ambition being an unsatiable fire , in which how much more wood is laid , so much the more it is inflamed , and a dropsie , in which the more one drinketh , the more hee thirsteth . even so in those great theeves , the great riches and prosperitie which they had , was the cause of their unruly appetite , and unsatiable ambition , for that they desiring that which they had not , they could not attempt any other theft ▪ but the glorie and wisedome of god , seeing they possessed all the rest . whence you shall understand , that to steale and robbe is in a sort naturall to man , and that it goeth by inheritance , and propagation in all the linage of men , and not by cunning . for if it be true that we all are partakers of adams sinne , his sin being nothing else but to robbe god of his knowledge , it is evident , that there is in vs an inclination , disposition and naturall desire to robbe and steale . from adam this profession was extended to all his posteritie , being alwayes kept on foote amongst the most noble and best qualified of all his children . so cain , as jealous of this originall vertue , would needs steale from his brother abel the grace and particular favour with which god received his oblations and sacrifices . iacob cunningly rob'd the blessing from his brother esau , and it went well with him . david the wife of vriah . achab though himselfe a rich king stole naboths vineyard . and finally nimrod by theft subdued all the inhabitants of assyria . and if leaving these and other theeves almost innumerable , which holy writing relate unto us , wee take the examples that humane histories rehearse unto us , we shall see that this singular art hath beene alwayes preserved among the nobilitie , sith paris stole helen , ravisht before that by theseus ; the same theseus stole ariadne , and iason medea . the lacedemonians , of whose policie and good government plutarch maketh honorable mention had this laudable and vertuous custome of stealing , and hee that was most cunning and subtile in that art , was in greatest account and estimation amongst them . the very mothers taught their children , while they were but little ones , to steale , holding it for an infallible point of policie , that they could never be good and brave souldiers , if they had not beene cunning and well experienced theeves . i will not tarrie now to tell the name and reputation which vircat got himselfe by his thefts , nor the renowne which crocota deserved by them in the time of augustus caesar , for i should never have done . chap. vi. the theefe followeth his historie proving that all men of what qualitie so ever are theeves . this noble profession of stealing hath evermore ( as i have said ) beene held in high esteeme amongst the greatest and best qualified men of the world : but as there is no kinde of vertue nor noblenesse , which is not envied by the vulgar , it became in time so ordinarie & common that there was not so very a butcher or porter who would not imitate the nobilitie in their thefts . whence and from the little discretion and exceeding great boldnesse that then was amongst people , it was one time so disdained and disliked that those who did openly follow it , were punished with shamefull paines and accounted infamous . but as all things of the world have their contrary weights ; time would needs finde a remedie for this abuse , seeking meanes to steale without punishment , and so disguised , that not only theft seemed not vice , but was esteemed a rare and singular vertue . to this end many brave spirits invented the diversitie of offices and charges which to this day are exercised in the world , ev●ry one of which serveth 〈◊〉 a maske or cloake to mak● his harvest and inrich himselfe with another ma● goods . and to the end tha● you may not judge my word rash , nor my proposition to● bold , runne , i pray you , ove● all states that are in the common-wealth , and you shall finde that wee all are the children of adam . for i thus argue . that man that hath an office of a thousand crownes of rent , without any other living , pension or patrimonie , & holds a house for which hee payes eight hundreth crownes a yeare , keepes a horse & two pages and a footeman , his wife and two waiting gentlewomen , his children and a master to ●ach them , who to keepe ●ll this traine hath neede ●f more then a thousand crownes every yeare , yet notwithstanding with all this charge he is found at the yeares end with two suites of apparell , free from debts & with five hundreth crownes of gaine , and yet it rained no more on his field than on other mens , nor hath he inherited any thing of any of his parents or friends . ergo a theefe . a tailer that eats more than it cost him , and at sixe yeares end gives ten thousand crownes portion in marriage with his daughter , never medling with other trade save his needle and his sheeres . ergo a theefe . a shooe-maker that keepes six prentices in his shop , and workes but foure daies 〈◊〉 weeke ; and those not wholl● at three yeares end that tw● tenements builded in th● fairest streets of the towne every one of which 〈◊〉 worth two him three hundreth pounds of yearely rent , without any other stocke , but that of his leather ergo a theefe . the cler●e who for every sheete of paper that he writes hath but a shilling , and who writes scarcely , sixe moneths of the whole yeare , which are hardly ended but hee is seene to have his velvet stooles , damaske courtains , silke-hangings , and other rich ornaments , which never came to him by heritage . ergo a theefe . of the same kinde you shal find in all offices giving you to understand , that 〈◊〉 doe not speake here of the good and honest , but of the ●ewd and baser sort , who ●linded with profit and gain ●reade under their feete the ●eare of god , the love of their neighbour , and the truth of their own cōscience ( who force the poore and ●eedy to take sixe pence for that , which they sell in their shops for twelue pence ) & it is , i say , of those by whom the evills , that i have mentioned ought to be understood . and by reason that the great attention with which you doe harken to my reasons , discovereth the desire that you have to know all that can be said upon this subject , i will shew briefly the invention and deceits which the naughtie tradesmen use for to robbe and steale . the tailer stealeth asking a third part more of cloth , then there needeth to make a sute of : and when he that putteth it out to making , presuming to be wise enough for the tailer , would be by to see it cut , he vexeth him , and casts a mist over his eyes marking foure houres along the peece and overthwart , and when hee hath at last dazeld him with a great many strokes and lines with his chalke , hee throweth a false ply under the sheeres with which at the cutting of a paire of breeches one breech abideth with him for his gain , besides buttons , silke , lace , and lynings . the linnen weaver stealeth in asking more yarne than the web hath neede of , laying fiftie ells instead of five and fortie and with the remainder of many broken threeds he pincheth out the length , which makes worth to him the eight part , all which he stealeth . the cordwainer restoreth with his teeth that which hee stealeth with his — biting and drawing thinne the leather , so that of one paire of shooes which one giveth him to make , there resteth to him at least an upper lether or a heele for a third . and if the lether be his owne , he sets on a rotten soale with rotten threed , to the end it may be the sooner spoil'd and fall off , which i thinke but stealing . the physitian and the chirurgion both steale , the one appointing and th' other applying plasters , which feed the disease and make it worse to the end that the time of the cure continning long , the fees may be the greater and the more . the apothecarie stealeth with a quid pro quo — putting in one drugge for another , and taking that which is cheapest , not considering what humour should be purged , and what vertue the drugge hath which he applyeth , in which hee stealeth the honour and reputation of the physitian , and the sick persons life . and if haply any call for an oile which he hath not , he wil not faile to give of that which hee hath for oile of — or other costly oyle which any shall have asked them , that they may not lose the credit of their shop . the marchant stealeth in putting out his money upon use , taking more than the statute alloweth , and writing downe in his booke such a debt , which , it may be , shall be thrice paid , the notary stealeth with an ( &c. et coetera ) a whole lordship , and if there be a question of any criminall processe , the scrivener for money that he shall take of a forfeit , will sell the soule of the poore innocent . the counsellour & the atturney steale selling a thousand lies to the poore client , making him to understand , that he shall win his cause , albeit they see cleerely that he hath no right at all ; and many times it falleth out that the lawyer agreeth with another to sell the parties right and part the gaine betweene them . the iudge stealeth iustice from this man , having pitie on him , who by some bribe shall have already corrupted him , wresting violently the texts of bartole and baldus for his own profit . the drugster and other marchants , that sell by weight steale , putting under the scale a very thinne plate of leade , where they put that which they would weigh , with which they shew that there is more then weight , albeit there be many ounces , and when they doe not that , with their little finger they touch the tongue of the ballance with which they make the scale sway to what side they will. the vintner stealeth a hundreth thousand wayes , mixing and blending one wine with another , beside the water that hee putteth amongst it , and when his wine by the force of so much mingling and watering hath his strength , hee hangeth amongst the lees a little bagge full of cloves , pepper , ginger and other spices , with which he makes it still seeme to be good . the butcher also stealeth blowing up his meate with a cane , that so they may seeme the bigger , and that he may sell them at a deerer rate than they are worth . the treasurer stealeth the third part , yea the halfe of a pension , when a poore needie man asketh him , because that hee , who should receive it , being drown'd in debt or charged with some vrgent necessitie , denieth not to give the halfe , nor makes he any conscience to demand it . the marshall stealeth taking a poore harmelesse man , and laying him in hold never telling him for what , and at the end of three or foure dayes that hee keepeth him in a chaine , sends a divell of those that belong to the prison , to tell him that hee is accused for making of false coine , and that there are ten witnesses who have given evidence against him : but that for the respect of some of his friends , hee will set him at libertie some evening , if he will give him a hundreth crownes to give content to the witnesses , and to make them in some sort to hold their tongues , whereby the poore wretch being sore affrighted , selleth all to the shirt on his backe to be rid of so great affliction . the courtier stealeth the report of a favorite , ascribing to himselfe that which another receiveth : because being loaded with feathers , brussing up himselfe , poised and straighter than a spindle he goeth to the court , and hearing , at the gate , or in the court-yarde where the pages waite , some newes , hee returneth to see his friends , and gives them to understand , that the king drew him aside , speaking secretly to him two houres , and amongst other things hee told the newes that hee brings . the perfumer stealeth mingling the perfumes and multiplying the muske with a cowes liver r●sted , the amber-grees with sope and sand , and the sivet with some butter . the priest stealeth , saying foure masses instead of forty for which hee hath bin paid beside the monie that he receives for yearely masses for the dead , answers and other duties which he never remembers . the religious ( monkes and friers ) steale whole patrimonies , assaulting with a grave countenance and a wry necke a poore sicke man at the point of death , and laying before him a mountaine of doubts and burthens of conscience , turning and stirring them up to pious deeds , applying to their own monasterie all that which he was bound to restore , without ever making any scruple of conscience to leave halfe a dozen of orphans defeated of their inheritance , and the sicke mans wife to live upon almes . the preacher stealeth , picking from s. thomas and s. austin the best of their workes , and having robbed them to their very thoughts , selleth in the pulpit their doctrine as though it were his owne making himselfe the inventor and author of that which belongeth not unto him . the blind man stealeth the halfe of every song that he singeth , because that having received money from him that biddeth him sing , and it seeming to him that he is gone from him three or foure paces , he beginneth againe his first tune , and asketh a new that some body would make him sing another . the begger stealeth telling a thousand lyes to him that giveth the almes , saying that he hath bin robbed , that he hath beene sicke , that his father is in prison , and coun●erfeiting himself lame , with which hee pulleth from men their almes . finally , all doe steale , and every handy-crafts man hath his own invention and particular subtiltie to this effect : but seeing there is no rule so generall , that hath not its exception , wee may exclude from the number of theeves all those that have a good conscience , as foote-men , hostlers , cookes , sergeants , iailers , under-jaillers , panders , bawdes , ruffians and whores . chap. vii . of the difference and variety of theeves . all the theeves aforesaid are called discreete , because that every one in his place striveth to cover theft the best hee can , transforming it into nobilitie and vertue , and this manner of stealing is the safest and most secret . of these there is as great varietie and difference , as there are severall offices in the common-weale , yea there are other theeves who steale openly and without maske : who , although they are not so many in number as the former , are notwithstanding moe , and their differences are as many as there are inventions to steale , which being redacted into a shorter number , are divided into robbers , staffadours , drawers of wooll , grunets , apostles cigarets , dacians , mallets cut-purses , satyrs , devont , and governours of the house . the robbers steale upon the high wayes and solitarie places with great cruelty and tyrannie , because that seldome doe they robbe without killing , fearing to be discovered and followed by justice . the meanes & slights that they have to coine to their purposes are diverse for sometimes they will follow a man fifteene dayes never losing the sight of him , waiting while hee goe out of the towne . and the better to over-reach him one of the companie goeth disguised in a marchants-habit , a guest of the same inne , with a certaine packe of old cloth , or some other invention , giving to understand that he is a strange country marchant , and feareth to travell alone . with this lye he falleth into discourse with the poore marchant or passenger craftily getting out of him , that which hee desireth to know , & learning whence he is , whether he goeth , what marchandise he carrieth , or what businesse he goeth , about , and when he is to be gone , whereof giving notice to his companions , they lye in waite for him at some place most convenient for their purpose . o●hers make themselues lurking holes behinde some bushes , growne up to the thicknesse of a wood , and when they perceive a far off , or by some spie , a passenger , they lay in the middle of the way a purse made fast , some shew of money , or a little budget , that in the meane time while he alighteth and staieth to take it up , they may come timely enough to take from him that he carrieth . others being hid in the most secret places of the high way , send one of their companie in carriers clothes , who seeing the passenger approach stayes to looke on him , and making shew to know him and to have some letters for him , & holding him in talke , bufieth him in such fashion , that the others have the time and meanes to surround him . others lying somewhat out of the way , faigne a lamentable and pitifull voyce , with which they tye the passenger to stay , and to goe see what it is , and while he that makes this moane deceitfully declareth his griefe , the ambush leapeth out that strippeth him to his shirt . your staffadours are a second sort of robbers , little differing from the former , though more courteous , and not so bloudy ; those goe calmely into the house of some marchant , and not finding him there , seeke for him at great leasure , at the exchange , in the fields , at church , and in the middle of a thousand people , drawes neere to him softly talking in his eare , making as though hee would communicate to him some-busines of great importance , and shewing him a dagger , saith , this dagger demandeth a hundreth crownes , brought to such a place , such a day , and if you doe it not , you shall die for it . the poore marchant sore affrighted by such words dareth not to misse , for feare to be killed . the wooll-drawers take their name from the theft they practise , which is to snatch cloakes in the night , and these have no other cu●ning save the occasion : they goe ever by threes or foure● betweene nine or ten a cloc● at night , and if they do finde a fit opportunitie they let 〈◊〉 not slip . most commonly they come forth to snatch cloakes in the darkest and rainest nights , and to them places which they see is most quiet and most out of the way , at least upon the one side , to the end that the neighbours may not come forth ( at the outcryes and noise which the robbed are commonly wont to make ) and take them . these same are accustomed sometimes to go in lackeyes clothes to come in to some maske or feast , making shew to looke for their masters , and with this liberty , they meete with ● heape of cloakes , that the gentlemen use to leave in the hall , being sure that nobody will meddle with them they in the view of all in the place , nimbly take up two or three on their shoulders , and get them gone with them , saluting all those whom they meete , with cap in hand . the grumets take their name from the likenesse that they have to those young boyes in ships , who clime up with great nimblenesse , by the tacklings to the top of the mast ; and the sailers call them cats or grumets . those that beare this name steale by night , climing up lightly , by a ladder of ropes , at the end of which they have two little hookes o● iron , to the end that throwing them up to the window ; it may catch hold there and they easily get up and empty the house . these runne about the city and the cou●try , stealing not onely gold and silver , but also wheate , rye , barley , oates , and finally all that ever they doe finde , and when they have plaid their prize , they cunningly tye a line made fast to the point of the little hookes , which , after they are come downe , they drawing , the two hookes are raised and the ladder falleth , without ever leaving any print or marke of the theft . the apostles take their name from s. peter , because that even as hee beares the keyes of heaven , so also they ordinarily carry a picklocke or vniversall key with which they open all manner of doores , and because of too much noise , that the locke may not rattle , and awaken the people a sleep , they put in a plate of leade with which they breake it in peeces , so that they who lie neerest can perceive nothing . those whom they call cigarets , have for their particular office to haunt churches feasts and publique assemblies , at which they cut off the halfe of a cloake , cassock sleeves , halfe a gowne , the quarter of a jumpe and finally whatsoever they finde , for of all these they make money . the devout are church-theeves , because there are no easters , pardons , nor iubilie which they visite not : they are continually on their knees in the monasteries , having their beades in their hands , to cloake their knavery , waiting their time , either under some altar , or behinde some table , on the eeve of some solemne feast , to the end that they may get out by night . — and to spoile the image of all the ornaments about them . in this sort of theft they do moreover adventure into the monasteries of the religious as well as into other churches , because that as they charitable , and feare to be accounted disorderly , they seldome put a theefe into the hands of justice , and for all the mischiefe that hee commits a man getteth out of their hands , chastised with one onely discipline all about the cloisters by a procession of monks who charge him , after his amendment , to feare god. the satyrs are men living wilde in the fields , that keepe their holds and dwelling in the countrey and forsaken places , stealing horses , kine , sheepe and all kinde of cattle which by occasion come in their walke . the dacians are cruell , mercilesse people , held in our common-weales in lesse account than th' other theeves : these steale children of three or foure yeares old , and breaking their armes and legges lame and disfigure them , that they may afterwards sell them to beggers , blinde folkes and other vagabonds . the overseers of the house have this name frō the particular care that they have to looke out for provision of bread , meate , and other vi●tualls to feede their companions , and as there is not any thing in the world that a man loveth better than to eate and drinke , the inventions and meanes that theeves have , are so severall and so exquisite that it is impossible to ●ell them all . some are accustomed three or foure to meete in the twilight at night and taking a bottle of five or sixe pottles with a fourth part of water in it , they goe to a taverne bidding them fill the bottle with the wine in the house , and having agreed for the price , the poore vintner beginneth to measure while it be almost full , then they make shew of a desire to taste it , if it be the wine that they bought at the beginning , and scarcely have they tasted it when bending their browes , casting up their eyes and wrying their nose they cry out at the wretched vintner , saying that he is a theefe and a deceiver , who hath changed them their wine . the poore fellow seeing that his oathes and curses availe nothing , is content to take his wine again and to take out the bottle the measures that hee had put in , by which meanes they have a fourth part left so well seasoned that it may passe for wine of sixe pence a quart . other whiles they goe five or sixe in companie to the taverne with two great pots so like th' one to the other , that very hardly can there any difference be perceived betweene them ; they carry th' one emptie and the other full of water under his cloak , and biddes them fill the emptie one with the best wine that they have , never taking care for the price , and it being full , the one of them takes it under his cloake , and the other staies reckoning with the vintner , holding his purse in his hand and making shew to pay him : being upon these termes , the others come in , and aske alowd whether or no they shall suppe there , which the vintner seeing , allured presently by the gaine that hee shall make if they suppe at his house , perswades them to stay , and they take his counsell determining to goe to the cookes to buy some joynt for supper , and to call backe the rest of their comerads , leaving the pot full of water to the vintner , that he may keepe it in the meane while till they come backe , with which he remaineth contented and well assured , thinking hith himselfe , that though they never returne , the pot notwithstanding shall remaine with him for his gaines . as for the provision of flesh , poulterie and other things they have a thousand inventions , whereof i will tell you one only which hapned long agoe to one of my copsemates . it was , if i rightly remember , on a holy saturdayes market , in which they sold great store of hennes , partridges , rabbets , pullets and other things against the feastivall day . three of the company went out to seeke for provision , dividing themselves every one to his owne walke , the two met with a countrey-clown loaded with capons and partridges , which were in the market ; one of them drew neare to buy up all that he had , & cheapning a quarter of an houre with the clowne , agreed to give him ten nobles for all his ware , giving it to his fellow to carry it home , and he stayed behinde with his hand in his pocket , making as if he would pay him . he searcheth both the sides , of his hose , drawing out first a great purse , next a little one , afterwards a hand-kercher tyed in knots with some papers folded up , with which he inchanted the clown , and gave his companion time and leasure enough to get him out of sight , and at last not finding in all his budgets the whole summe , he bids the clowne follow him and he should pay him . the clown was content , and beginneth to follow him with diligence , and almost on the trot , because that as my companion had an intention , to get out of sight crossing the streets and lanes he walk't a-pace with posting speede . but seeing himselfe so closely followed by the clown he went into the cloister of the austin friers , where there were some friers confessing folkes , and having made a devout prayer , hee turned himselfe towards the clown , saying to him , my friend , the provision that you have sold me is for this house , and that father , who is there a confessing is the proctour , i will goe tell him that he must pay you ; and speaking thus , he comes to one of the confessors with the clown after him , and turning a little aside hee put sixe pence into his hand , and whispers him in the eare saying , father , this country man is one of my acquaintance , and commeth hither to be confest , he lives sixe miles hence , and he must of necessitie goe backe to his house this evening , i beseech you to do me the favour to confesse him out of hand and let him goe . the good father obliged by the almes given aforehand , promist him , that when hee had ended the penitents confession whom he had at his feete , hee should dispatch him presently . with this answer , he called to the clown , and said to him , friend , the father will dispatch you by and by , when he hath made an end of confessing this man , to which the father added goe , not hence , i will give you content presently . with these words my companion par●ed from them , and the country-man staid , reckoning on his singers the money that hee should lay out on shooes , hat and other trifles which hee minded to buy as well for himselfe , as for his familie out of his poultry money . the penitent makes an end of his confession , and the father makes a signe to the clown to draw neere ; the clown was not in so trembling a perplexitie , with so great hast as those who come to confession , which the good father was much offended at , it seeming to him that he had little devotion and lesse humility to be confest . the clown stood bolt upright , looking heedfully upon the confessor , to see if he should put his hand in his pocket , and the confessor look't upon the clown in like manner , astonisht to see him stand with so little devotion . notwithstanding excusing him because of simplicitie which is ordinarie to these country people , hee biddes him , kneele . the clowne at the beginning made some resistance , thinking it to be an extraordinarie ceremonie for one to kneele to receive money , neverthelesse at last he did it though grumbling . the father bids him make the signe of the crosse , and say his confession , whereat the clown lost all patience , beleeving the confessor to be out of his wits , and standing up beginneth to mumble within his teeth and to sweare with great obstinacie . this assured the confessor that the clown was possest with a devill , and having made the signe of the crosse beginneth to conjure him , putting s. austins girdle about his head , and saying some devout prayers , with which the clowne went out of his wits , taking the good father by the surplis and casting him down upon the ground , demanding aloud mony for his poultry . the father supposing that hee had all the fiends of hell together upon him , beginneth to say , the letanie with a weake and affrighted voyce , and to commend himselfe to all the saints in the almanacke , praying them to aid him . at the clamour and noise , the whole convent began to be troubled , all the monkes comming out in procession with the crosse and the candlestickes , casting holy water on every side , and beleeving that there was a legion of devils in the church . they came thither where the confessour was at debate with the clown , who still was asking money , for his poultry , & the prior having asked the cōfessour concerning this accident & having also heard the clownes reason , the justice of them both was discover'd with my cōpanions wicked deede . in the endsome devout persons who were in the church , paid the clown his monies who went backe contented unto his house . chap. viii . the theefe continueth the differences among theeves with three disgraces that befell him . the cut-purses are the commonest theeves of our common-weale , who have an endlesse deale of meanes and wayes to steale . all their studie consisteth in thrusting their hand in the pocket of whom they approach , and cunningly to draw his purse from him ( he not perceiving it ) with all that hee hath in it . these haunt the churches , sermons , faires , assemblies & publicke meetings , that they may worke their feate in the throng , he that takes the purse gives it presently to another that is by him , that if he should be taken with his hand in his pocket , he might prove them lyars and cleare himselfe before all the world . i will tell you a wittie tricke which i once plotted , though it fell out but badly by me , seeing that the heedfulnesse , with which you hearken to me , makes me know that you are not wearie to heare me . the last yeere there came to london a marchant of italie , rich , courteous and of good carriage , who being in rouled by our spies i tooke the charge upon me to deale with him . i rose that day betimes in the morning , lest i should lose the occasion , and after i had dog'd him through many streets , lanes and churches ( for he was verily a good christian ) wee came to a crowd of marchants wont to be kept in the exchange about eleven a clock , seeing him alone , i came to him , talking to him of a bargaine very profitable & certaine , which made him open his eyes , and listen heedfully to my reasons . then seeing him thus fitted to my inventions , i winded him gently into a maze of difficulties , in such sort , that i never ceast to declare to him the businesse , nor he to learne the circumstances . my camerade then drew neare making shew as if he knew me not ; and to be desirous to interpret the traffick for him which i had propounded , whereupon the marchant began to take no more heede to me , and i to thinke evermore of him . i put secretly my fingers in his pocket to try the depth and breadth thereof , & perceived that it and its masters little care gave me free liberty to put in all my hand . i did so and at the first essay , i drew his purse , at the second a silver watch , which he carried tied to a small gold-chaine , with which i might have bin content if stealing could be limited . i was resolved to try the third time , to see if i could draw thence a holland hankercher , which before he had shewed edged with curious bonelace , but i could not be so nimble to draw it , nor my companion to hold him in talke , but he felt me , and running to save his pocket with his hand he could not misse but meete with mine , wherewith being vext and suspitious , he presently knew that he had lost his purse and his watch , and not finding them he tooke me by the necke , crying a theefe a theefe . i foreseeing the evill that might befall mee ( for astrologie is very necessary for a theefe ) had given the purse and watch from underneath my cloake to my companion , as soone as ever i had drawne it , who was but only two steps from me : wherefore with the assurance that i had , that he would finde about me that which he sought , i scorned all he said , giving him the lie a thousand times . the marchant holding me fast by the coller , with a loude voyce calling for his purse , in such sort that he made all upon the place to gather together . but my camerade seeing that my honor runne a great hazard , if the businesse should be proved amongst so many people , secretly calls a crier who was at a corner of the place , whom he made cry , if any one had lost a purse and a silver watch , that he should come to him , & give true tokens therof , he would restore them , and withall departed the place . hardly was the sound of the first cry heard but my good italian let me goe , intreating me with great humilitie to forgive him the rash judgement conceived of me , which i did at the request of the companie , and presently got me out of sight . he went as nimble as a roe to seeke for the cryer , and having found him he gave the true tokens of his losse , but he that had bid him doe it could not be found any more ; and so i escaped this dangerous accident . the duendes a larins so called for the likenesse that they have with the spirits of this name , begin to walke through the towne in the evening , and finding some doore open , they enter softly , hiding themselves in the cellar , in the stable , or in some other dark secret place , to the end they may throw out at windowes all that is in the house , when those within are fast a-sleepe . i adventured once to play such a pranke , and turne my selfe in an angell of darkenesse , but i was deceived . it fell out then , that one night on the eeve of a high holy-day i went to seeke my fortune , my mishap made me meete with a doore halfe open , into which thrusting my head i saw that all my body might enter , i went up a paire of staires to a great chamber well furnisht and fitted , and thinking that it was a safe course for me to hide my selfe under a bed , while these of the house were gone to rest , i did so . after foure houres that i had laien all along on the flower , i heard a noyse of folks , comming up suddenly into the chamber , you neede not aske if i was heedfull to see who they were , and by and by with the light of a candle i saw the feete of two footmen and one maide laying the cloth with great diligence , and were making of a fire , because the master of the house was to suppe there . the table furnish't with sundry dishes of meate , foure or five sate downe , besides the children that were in the house . i was then so affrighted and confounded , that i thinke verily if the noise of their voyces and the great number of children had not hindred them , they might have heard plainely the beating of my joynts , because my buttockes beate so hard one against the other , that i thinke the noise might have bin heard halfe a mile off . by mischance there was a little dogge , that runne about gnawing the bones that fell from the table , and one of the children having thrown him a bone , a cat that watch't under the table was more nimble to catch it with which she run away to hide her under the bed , the dog grinning and pressing to take the bone from her , but the cat could so well use her clawes and defend her prize , that having given the dog on the nose two or three blowes with her paw , there began so great a skirmish , and there was such a hurly burly between them , that one of the waiters tooke a great fire-shouell that was in the 〈◊〉 him . ney and cast it so furiously under the bed , that if , as it gave me over the nose with the broad side , it had lighted on me with the end , it had kill'd me out-right . the blow was so great , that i was above halfe an houre ere i could come to my selfe , but it made the cat come out like a thunder from under the bed , and the dog staied grinning and barking with such a fury that neither fawning nor threatning of mine could quiet him , wherat the waiters at table were so vext that they began to chase him out , throwing fire-brands at him , which made him come out from under the bed , and leave me there in the pangs of death . the dogges noise was done , and there began another in my guts , so violent , that to stay the sudden rumbling of a flux in my belly , which the apprehension and feare had moved i was constrained to sneeze thrice , & with the force of my sneezing to wrong my breeches by the liberty of that unjust violence . these two noises met together , and making one of two , increast so much the force , that it made all at table rise , and take off the candles , to see what was this novelty . they pulled me out , but i could give no reason that could be heard , nor humble suing that could be admitted , so i remained subject to the rigour of their vengeance , they stript me starke naked and binding me hand and foote , they began to scorch me with a lighted torch not without loud laughing , and after they had satisfied their furious passion , they put me in the hands of iustice , out of whose power i escaped signed and sealed . the mallettes are a sort of theeves who hazard themselves upon great perills and inconveniences , for they are made up in a bale , basket or dry fat , faining that it is certaine marchandise sent over , which they make some one or other of their friends in marchants apparell carrie from one house to another , that when night commeth and every one being fast a sleepe , he cutteth the cloth with a knife , hee breaketh forth to empty the house . i was one of those when the fourth disgrace befell me , because a friend of mine having counterfeited to have foure bales to be laid by night in a rich goldsmithes house , counsel'd me to be pack't up in one of them , covering the sides thereof with cloth and webs of fustian . the goldsmith made no difficultie to receive them , forsomuch as he had not them i● keeping but a little while , and that he thought , if the owner in the meane time should happen to die , some one of them might fall to his share , so he made them to be laid in his backe-shop , whereby i was well assured to worke my feate . i waited while night with such desires as that plot deserved , which notwithstanding fell out to my disgrace ; for three or foure prentises meeting that night in the house , of intention to tarrie there upon occasion of the bales , resolving to lay them together , and lye upon them . after supper , every one withdrew himselfe . the prentises fitting the unhappy bed , or to say rather , the bale , in which i was in the middle of the others , on which they began to sleepe so soundly , that one might have drawne them a mile and never awakened them . i being impatient of the exceeding great weight that i felt , not daring to stirre my selfe more then i had bin dead ; and on the other part the little breath that i had , being choaked , i began to stirre my selfe a little , and seeing the unmoveable weight of that which was on me ; i certainly beleeved that they had layd a bale upon me ; with which imagination , and the extreme anguish that i suffred , i drew a sharpe knife , and thrusting it up , i made a great hole in the tillet of the bale , and a huge deepe wound in the buttocks of him that lay upon me . hee rose like a thunder raising his voyce to the heavens , calling for neighbours helpe and the iustices aide , thinking that some one of his companions would have kill'd him . the confused noise of all the neighbours , and the alarum was so great , that ere the master of the house had lighted a candle , the iustice beating open the doore came in , and finde the poore wounded fellow in his shirt bleed and faint , and the other vexed and confounded , takes the deposition of him that was wounded never taking notice of the bale , nor comming neere it , thinking that it was not needful to know the place where hee was hurt . but the goldsmith , who attentively hearkened to the iustice , and beheld the circumstances of the fact , seeing the poore-hurt fellow all bloudie , supposed that the bales and the cloth in them might be bloudy and spoil'd and he bound to pay them , and with this unquietnesse he came neere to looke on the bale , and seeing it cut thrust in his fingers to trie if nothing was spoil'd , and he mist not to finde my bearde . i could very well have bitten him if i had thought it had bin the best of my play , but i lay quiet , thinking that he would never guesse what it was . he held the torch nigher to the hole , and stooping to see that he had touch't , the waxe began to melt and drop upon my face , which forced me to remove a little , and him to marre all , crying aloud . theeves , theeves . the iudge came neere , who was yet making one write the deposition of the hurt man , and opening the bale , they found one within it . they carried me to prison , whence i came out at the seventh day after at a cartes taile well accompanied , beside other favours that they did me , whereof the greatest was to condemne me to the gallies . all the aforesaid theeves have ordinarily their spies at exchanges , faires and common markets , viewing all that goe and come , and learning what money they carrie , how much , and in what sort , where they leave it , and in what hands , to give notice thereof to the companie . and herein there is such diligence , and so great care , that there commeth not any stranger to the towne , but in a quarter of an houre after he is registred in our booke with all his qualities : to wit , whence becommeth whither hee goeth , and what is his trafficke : and if there be any negligence herein , the spies that have these places of the citie in their charge , lose the profit and gaine that should come to them that day , out of the common purse , beside a shamefull reproofe which our captaine giveth them in presence of all the other theeves . chap. ix . wherein the theefe relateth his wittie diligence to free himselfe out of the gallies of marseiles . you may thinke , i had no great maw to that journey ▪ which these gentlemen commanded me towards marseils , sith there could be no pleasure in that which is done upon constraint . neverthelesse i obeyed with great resolution , hoping that fortune would offer some good occasion to set me at libertie : so all my studie and care was onely to finde out the means to attaine to this end . and having tried many which came to no effect , he practized one which might have hapned well , if fortune had bin content with my past troubles , and had not made mee fall any more in the try all thereof . the invention then was on this wise . the captaine of the gallie , where i was slave , being exceedingly in love with a lady of good ranke , and she in no wise loving him , hee tried all meanes ( though impossible ) to bring her to his bow , and as is usuall with lovers to be the more inflamed when they finde their beloved hard to be won , the ladies extreme coldnesse was burning coales to the captaine , in such sort that he never enjoyed rest but when he was talking of his love . i having got knowledge by the report of a slave that went daily to my masters house , there to carrie water , wood , and other necessaries , determined to try my fortune , and not lose the occasion . so i spake him kindly , promising him that if he would faithfully ayde me , that he might hope assuredly for his liberty , whereof i would as well make him certaine as of mine own . the good antony , ( for so the slave was called , ) put so much trust in my words , hearing me speake of libertie which i had promist him , that waited but for the houre to be employed in that which i did intreate him , and he thought there was not time enough ; hoping with great impatiēce , that i should declare to him that which he was to doe for me : who seeing him so well minded on my behalfe , and otherwise sillie , faithfull and true , i shewed him my resolution , recommending to him secrecie , and wisedome above all things . i said thus unto him , my friend antony , know that it is long since i have desired to impart a secret to thee , which i will tell thee of : but as all things require wisedome , patience , and the occasion , i have not done till now ; because i thought it not fitting till now to do it : as also , because not being so satisfied ( as i am this present ) of thy goodnesse , seeing , as the proverb saith , one should eate a bushell of salt with his friend ere he trust him . thou knowest well our masters love with this lady that dwelleth by the great church , and how much he is out of kelter for her , yet never having received one favour of her , after so long time spent in her service , and so many duckets spent in vaine for love of her . now if i should finde a meane and assured invention , to make him without the spending of one shilling , or troubling her doores enjoy his pleasure , what reckoning would the captain make of this service , and what reward would he give him who should bestow on him that which he so earnestly desireth ? verily ( answered antonie ) i hold for certaine that he would turne foole at his contentment , and not only would he give thee thy libertie , but also to all those for whom thou shalt aske . go to friend , said i , if thou hast any particular acquaintance with some one of them who are most familiar and best liked in the captaines house , thou must acquaint him with this businesse , that he may tell him , and assure him that i will doubtlesse doe that i promise , and i counsell thee that it be not delayed . the content which antony received was so great , that without bidding me farewell , nor answering me one word , he went from me like a lightning , intreating a souldier o● the gallie , that he would bring him into the captaines house , to talke with him of a matter of great importance . he was there , and could give order for my businesse , that halfe an houre after , the governour of the house came to the master of the gallie , charging him to send me with a souldier to the captaine , because he would see me . the quicke effect which antonies diligence wrought , gave me extreme great contentment , and made me hope that so good a beginning would bring my designes to a happie end . finally , i was at my captaines house , tattard , torne , and naked , and with a great chaine tyed to my foote . he comming to meete me , as if i had bin a man of great ranke , and lay●ng his hand upon my shaven head , began to talke kindly to me , asking me what country-man i was , what was my name , and why i was condemned to the gallies . and i having answered him in a dissembling manner , and lying the best i could , he drew me aside , to a corner of the chamber , asking if that which antony had promist him , was certaine , sir , answered i him , i know not what he hath said , nor what promise he hath made , yet i will tell you , that if he hath spoken according to that which i told him , all is true , without failing one tittle . sir , i told him , that if you would promise to release me out of this distresse which i indure , and to give me my libertie freely and wholly , i should make you injoy the love which you desire with so great passion and which so torments you , i promise you moreover and assure you , that making this condition with you , if i performe not my promise you shall my head cut off , or throw me into the sea . thou bindest thy selfe greatly ( said he with a smiling countenance , alreadie desirous to see the effect of my promise ) but if thou art a man of so great knowledge and skill , that thou canst doe this for me , this gallie wherin thou art shall be thy fortune , for i shall not onely be content to give thee thy libertie but i will make thee one of my houshold servants , and the best respected of them all . but tell me , after what manner canst thou doe it ? sir , you shall know ( said i ) that i was bred with a great astrologer , who under pretence to cast horoscops and nativities dissembled his magicke with so great craft , that there was not any one in the world that suspected him . he made use of me in some of magicall experiences , supposing because i was young and of a dull wit i would understand nothing of the secrets of his art. but he was deceived there , because though i seemed foolish and ignorant , yet i had an eye on all his tryalls , and i studied them so well , that many love secrets stucke in my memorie , ●mongst which i have one most certaine and approved , with which if a woman were harder then the adamant , i will make her softer then the waxe . in such sort that the secret which i propound to you is magicall , not naturall , and it is requisite to have some haires of the party beloved , to put it in execution ; with which , and with some ceremonies that must be performed , the gentlewomans heart will be so set on fire , that she shall take no rest , but when she is with or thinketh of her beloved . notwithstanding this must be done in the night , at the waxing of the moone , and in the fields , there being but only three in the companie , and these stout and resolute , that cannot be dismaied nor frighted , fall out what may , or whatsoever they see . if , saith the captaine , that to further the businesse there needeth no other thing but a good heart , we shall easily have our desire , for though all hell should stand before me , it were notable to make me give backe so much as one step , nor once to change my colour , or countenance : and for the haires that thou hast mentioned , i will give thee as much as thou shalt desire . i know sir , ( answered i ) by your face that your naturall inclination is very fit for magicke , and if you had studied it , you would worke wonders by it . so now seeing the time favoureth us , and that you have the ladies haire , let us not suffer this waxing of the moone to passe with bringing our businesse to passe . you may goe out on horsebacke , and he also that shall accompanie you , as for me , though ill bestead with the weight of this chaine , i will not forbeare to goe a foote . all shall be in readinesse ( saith the captaine ) against thursday night , & sith experience hath made thee master in this art , prepare thee well and studie that which thou oughtest to doe , to the end that our designe may not be lost by negligence or little care ; and for the present get thee backe to the gallie ; for i will send to thee by the governour of my house who shall be the ●hird of our companie , a faithfull man , couragious & valiant , and if there neede any thing to this purpose , thou maist in the meane time provide thee , for i will take order that all be paid that thou shalt buy . with this good answer i parted from my master more joyfull and merrie then the flourishing spring seeing my businesse thrive so well at so good a passe , and being returned to the gallie i found my good antony , who waited for me with great impatience to know what i had bargain'd with the captaine , and upon what termes my affaires stood , to whom i related all that we had agreed upon , and the kindnesse that he received me withall in accepting my promise , assuring him that when i was in favour , the next thing i asked should be his libertie . hardly had i begun my discourse , but i perceiued the governour of the captaines house entring the gallie , his visage inflamed , his eyes staring and dansing , and he running , as he had quickesilver in his heeles , asked where i was , and having perceived me , and drawne me aside , he said to me , i am governour of the house to the captaine of this gallie , who hath commanded me to come hither , and to know of thee all that shall be necessarie for the businesse that you talked of , dispose and appoint at thy pleasure , for i have money for all , and because that i may offer thee something in my own behalfe , take this crown of gold which i give thee as a token of that friendship which shall be between us , and i assure thee that thou shalt have a good friend of me at the captains hands . but as reason would thou must answer me with mutuall acknowledgment , in doing some thing for me . you shall binde me much sir , ( i answered him then very humbly , ) having disparaged your selfe so much in regard of him , who is so farre unequall : consider in what my weakenesse and my povertie can serve you ; for i will performe it with all my soule . i will not , saith the governor , that thou hazard thy soule , because it is gods , but i would faine intreat thee , that with thy fecrets and thy skill thou wouldst helpe me to purchase the favour of a gentlewoman of good ranke whom i have loved now these five yeares , and because i am of somewhat a meaner condition then she there is no meane to make her heare me , and if it were possible to give two blowes with one stone it would be be an extreme great contentment to me , & thou shouldst binde me to thee , not only as a friend , but as a slave . now the moone is waxing , and the time very fit , so that i thinke there is no neede to make any more ceremonies for my mistresse than for the captaines , and if you must have of her haire , see here are some , for it is above a yeare that i carried them about me , keeping them as reliques . and drawing a paper out of his pocket put one of her locks into my hand . i who desired no other thing but that the third of our companie should be also so besotted , that the businesse might fall out well , i was in a manner beside my selfe with contentment , which i could not hide nor dissemble without shewing some signes in my countenance of being troubled , by which he tooke occasion to aske me what it was that troubled me . to whom i answer'd , sir , i feare that if the captaine should know that i doe any thing for you he would be vexed with me , and i should lose this good opportunitie in which lyeth no lesse then my libertie ; this consideration is that which troubleth me , not want of desire to serve you . and who will tell it him , saith he then ? the divell , answered i , that never sleepes , but happen what may , i am resolved to serve you , though i should lose the captaines good-will , seeing it is the first thing that you have commanded me . as for that which concernes the captains busines & yours , you must buy a new sacke , a small corde , and another bigge one of hempe , foure ells long , a new knife , a chaine and a brush , and these you shall buy without making any price , that is to say , that you shall give for them whatsoever the marchant shall aske without beating of the price : and assure your selfe , that within a seven-night , you shall enjoy your love with great liberty . thou givest me greater content with this answer , saith the governour of the house , than if the king had given me a pension of a thousand crownes a yeare , doe that which thou promisest , & thou shall see what i will doe for thee . and embracing me kindly he went away full of hope and joy , leaving me the most contented man of the world , seeing that if in this prison i had sought an occason which might have fallen out better for my ease , it had bin impossible for me to finde it , for as well my captaine as the governour of the house were so blinded besotted and fool'd , that if i should have call'd the day night they would have beleeved it . on the contrarie my heart throb'd a thousand waies , considering into what a maze i should thrust my selfe , if the businesse succeeded not , neverthelesse i made a vertue of necessitie , using that remedie which is ordinarie with these that are in any extremity , which is boldnesse and resolution . with this good courage i waited for the thursday , which came more joyfull and fairer then the spring , though it was slow , because of the desire they had to injoy their mistresses , and mine to get out of the harbour by the cheating trickes that i put upon them , it seem'd to us the longest day of all the yeare . every time the clocke struck , they despaired , fearing to misse the telling of the houres , as these do who hope for a thing that they earnestly desire ; and after this care they were in anextacie considering what they would do in the possession of their loves , as if they had alreadie verily past the night and overcome the difficulty . this doubting and hammering of theirs served me well to my purpose , that they might not perceive the gulleries that i put upon them , and the smoake that i sold them . whereby i finde that those who paint love blinde , have great good reason for them , because that , if they not bin so , they would have perceived all my promises to be nothing but winde , and that the meanes which i propounded to them were for no other end but to gull . them . chap. x. in which he proceedeth to relate his invention , begun with some discourses of love , between the governour of the house and this gallie-slave . the night being come which be a day for me , inlightning the heaven with infinite numbers of starres so bright and resplendent , that they dazeled the light of the day , and filled my soule with joy : when my honest governour enters the gallie , brave , gallant and clothed with the best apparell that he had , because that amongst other directions that i had given as well to him as to his master , the chiefe was that they should be fine & brave , as being a thing most requisite and necessarie for magick skill ; and having saluted me with close embracements he said to me , friend , that thou maist know that i can doe what i will at the captaines hands , and that i want not goodwill to help thee , thou shalt know that through my intreatie he gives thee leave to leave off thy chaine for this night , and it may be , for ever , that thou maist walke with greater libertie , and performe thy businesse and what is 〈…〉 though the captaine 〈◊〉 ●ome difficultie , i dea●t so earnestly that i obtained this favour in earnest of that which i desire to do 〈…〉 . i who then was more knavish and more dissembled then foolish , fell into some suspition imagining that this liberalitie offered ere it was desired , was fained , and but only to try me , wherfore i answered him , sir i thanke you for the care you have had of me obtaining of my master that he will take off my chaine , a favour which i would kindly accept , if it were possible , but it is not , because i must not change the estate that i 〈◊〉 in , nor one point of that which is of my estate ; it being necessarie that he , who shall make this tryall , must make in the same estate & apparell that he is accustomed to weare : and so i may not goe but in mine owne clothes 〈◊〉 with the chaine because otherwise we shall do nothing . the governour was not a little contented with my answer , being assured that there was in me no kinde of deceite nor malice , but the pure and simple truth , & pittying me beleeved assuredly , that there was more passion in my words then iustice , he embraced me the second time saying , friend , god who is wont to give the salve according to the wound , hath brought thee to this gallie , that by it thou mightst come to the knowledge of my master , and enjoy the speciall favours which thou shouldst promise to thy selfe from his liberalitie , if the businesse fall out well . how well ? answered i him , hath the captaine any suspition that i would deceive him ? no by the world answer'd the governour , seeing that though thou wouldst doe it , thou couldst not : but it is the great desire that we both have to soften the hardnesse of these she-tygers , and to turne them to our love , that makes us thinke that impossible which is easie for thee to doe , and this is usuall amongst lovers . i never was one , ( answer'd i , and though i should be more in love then was ●arcissus , i should never purswade my selfe that day were night , that 〈…〉 , and other fantasticall imaginations , that haunt lovers , which rather may be called follies and idle thoughts then love passions . it well appeareth that his darts have not strucke thee , saith the governour , for if thou hadst tried them , thou wouldst not have spoken with so great freedome and so little trouble . know friend , that physitians ranke this disease amongst melancholi●e passions , into which the diseased falleth , beleeving that which is not , and framing a thousand phantasies and visions which have no other ground but their perverse and corrupt imagination , which workes the same effect in lovers , giving them an impression of jealouse , to an other of disdaine , to an other of favour , making a mountaine of nothing , all which is bred of a burning desire which they have to possesse that which they love . but to be willing to perswade this unto him who hath not tried it , is to desire to draw water with a sive , and to weight the earth , i am no doctor , master governour , i answer'd him , nor yet batcehler , because being left yong , friendlesse and poore , i lived also without knowledge , having only foure words of latin. neverthelesse by the use of reason well knowen of all sciences , i understood the smal reason that lovers have to be so oft troubled upon so small occasion as they are troubled , because of necessitie their affections tend to two points , to wit , that the woman must be good or evil faithfull or disloyall . if she be good , faithfull & answerable to your affection in mutuall love , it is a great follie to be jealous over her : if she be unfaithfull and known for such a one , there needs no other counsel , but not to trust her nor love her . whence may be cōcluded that all the accidents to which you say lovers are subject , are the overflowings of follie , and wants of wit , it being a notable extravagancie to love one that hateth , this being supposed that hatred cannot be the subject of love , nor love of hatred , seeing we ordinarily love them that bind us thereto by their love . if it went by experience , saith the governor thou wilt lose thy cause , because usually they ●ate these that love them best , taking the fight of a dying man for the occasion of their hate , and it is a voice in them now a dayes turned in●o a nature , to shun those that follow them , and to abhorre those who adore them , as the captaine and i have hitherto made a long and unhappy tryall . thinke not so master governour , i answer'd , that you have made a good conclusion ; for if you will have the patience to ●eare me , i will make you see clearely in what your arguments faile , and know that love ceaseth not to love nor hatred to hate , there being no 〈◊〉 of nature , and he that foster'd you in this philosophy , hath fed you with 〈◊〉 milke , because that lo●● alone not being accompanie● with other circumstances , which are to be proportio●nable and reasonable is no● all the motive of an other love . that princesse of noble bloud should be tyed to love a porter , that dieth for her , onely because he adoreth her . i deny your proposition , she is no wise bound to doe it , nor her well to affect him , the object that might move her not being in him . as a prince hateth to the death a poore damsell , because she depiseth him , being unwilling to give consent to his wanton love , whence it may be gathered that neither the porters love 〈◊〉 in any case tye the prin●●sse wil , nor damsels scorne ●all breed hatred in the ●rinces minde . seeing that 〈◊〉 love is found the good , 〈◊〉 profit and pleasure which 〈◊〉 the hookes with which 〈◊〉 will is taken , then it is 〈◊〉 motive of love , and the ●ady shal not be able to hate ●im , who loveth her upon ●hese conditions , but therein ●eing unequalitie and disho●our , she may do it . you shall more clearely perceive this 〈◊〉 hatred , because when a man dieth for a gentle-woman , & she hates him exceedingly , this hate is not that which inflames his love , but the account she makes of her honour & the feare of shame if she should consent to the pleasure of him that loveth her , which consideration makes her coole and backward and him extreamely passionate . whence it is concluded , that the woman offendeth not in hating him that worships her , nor any man ought to hate such a woman that disdaineth him . this thy philosophie , my friend , answered the governour , is framed of moe words than learning , and i could refute it by plaine reasons , if time did afford 't is leasure , but the houre is already come , & the captaine will looke for us , only i would intreate thee to be mindfull of me as a friend , making thy inchantment of equall power with the crueltie of the gentlewoman of whom i have spoken to thee . away with this care , sir , answerd i , for i will doe it in such sort , that though your mistresse were harder-hear●ed & more frozen then the alpes , she should be turned into a mountaine of fire , hotter then mount aetna of sicile . i beleeve so , said the governour , but i cannot chuse but wonder why thou being so cunning a fellow didst not enchant the iudge to be in love with thee and not have condemned thee to the gallies . if this secret were good for a man , said i , a hundred yeares a goe i had bin a duke or a governour of some province , if i had not bin a monarch . it is not good but for women , because he that first found it out , gave it this vertue only . that alone sufficeth me , saith the governour , if with it i can soften that ad●●mant , but with the hope that thou hast given me , i hold the victorie as certaine , and i hinder my selfe that i doe not see to morrow already . with these words we came to the other side of the harbour where my kinde captain waited for us with great impatience and unquietnesse , by whom i was very well received , & he asking me why the governour had not taken off my chaine , as he had charged him , i answered him the same things , which i had before answered the governour , wherewith he was exceeding wel contented . they leapt both on horse backe , & i followed them at leasure , because of the waight of my chaine , and being about a ●●ague from marselles we ●●rived at the place appointed . they lighted down , and ●ying their horses at a tree , we with drew our selves to ●●ther to the place where our ●●yall was to be made , & taking them with some necessary ceremonies , and telling them what they should say , i ●●ade a circle on the ground whispering i cannot tell what strange and uncouth words , and turning my selfe often , sometimes towards the east , sometimes to the west , with some ceremonies so unusuall , that they made the captaine and his governor of the house both of them 〈◊〉 and fearefull . at haffe an houres end after that i had gone turning about like a foole , i made the captaine goe within it , charging him to say after me , who was so obedient and so forward to all that i would have him , that if i had then cut off his mustaches , he would have beleeved that it was needfull for the inchantment . i made him strip himselfe , teaching him to say certaine words to every parcell of his clothes which he put off , which he pronounced so exactly that he lost not one syllable , beleeving that if he had missed in one jote he should have marred all this businesse , with this ceremonie i stript him to his shirt , he never making any shew of feare no● suspition , being assured that he was safe enough by the presence of the governour , who was much astonisht to 〈◊〉 them finish'd , it seeming to him that there should neither b● time enough nor inchant●ent sufficient for himselfe . pitty so moved my heart that i could not take off his shirt , ●aving compassion of his in●●cencie , because it was then the coldest time of all the winter , and either through ●eare or cold , such a vehe●●● quivering and shaking ●f all his joynts tooke him , ●ith such a chattering of his 〈◊〉 , that the noise thereof 〈◊〉 have bin heard halfe a 〈◊〉 from the place . i 〈◊〉 and encouraged him , with the shortnesse and quick 〈◊〉 of the inchantment , 〈…〉 assured possession of 〈◊〉 love , injoyning him in 〈◊〉 meane time to be silent , 〈◊〉 telling him that if he spake but one word , we should be presently in lesse then the twinkling of an eye all of us in barbary . he then being in this plight , that is to to say , naked in his shirt , i gave him a knife in his hand , commanding him to make some stabs towards the foure quarters of the world , at every one uttering some words , & 〈◊〉 the conclusion i made him goe into the sacke . that which i then saw with mine eyes was a wonder & a miracle of god , because i alwai●● imagined , that as he was going into the sacke he should suspect something , & that 〈◊〉 mine invention should 〈…〉 nothing : but a little 〈…〉 not more obedient 〈…〉 ●●ilde than he was , 〈◊〉 that without any resistan●● or shew of mistrust , he went in , being still assured by the presence of his governour , and the ignorance he had of his loves ; which was good for me ; for if he had known that the governour was to be inchāted also , he had never gone into the sacke . finally having packed up the poore captain , i laid him along upon the ground with his belly upwards , tying the sacks mouth with a cord that was by me , & speaking sti●● to the governor to encourage him , and wishing him to have patience a quarter of an houre the enchantment was to last . so having left him in this ta●ing , the governour and i went aside about a stones cas● who said to me in an exceeding great pelting chafe , i wil lay a wager that thou hast forgotten something of my businesse , for here i see neither sacke nor knife for me , as for the captaine . here is no need of a sacke , said i , because your magicall experiences are made stronger or weaker , according to the greater or lesser cruelty that gentle women have : and the captaines being exceeding disdainfull , i have made the enchantment of a sacke for her which is the strongest of all . oh! brother , saith the governor , what is this that thou hast done ? mine is hard-hearted , disdainfull a tyger and a lyonesse : for the captaines , though she loves him not , notwithstanding shewes him some favour , and if it goes by disdaine , we neede a hundred sackes , not one only what shall we doe ? be quiet master governor , said i then seeing him afflicted , for there is a remedy for all but deaths for that which is not in one threed shall be in a hundred . i will make with the haires and the cords a hanke which shall have no lesse force then the captaines sacke , and for as much as your mistresse is so cruel as you say , i wil adde thereto a small matter which shall make her , that she shall never be able to take rest while she see you . it is that which i looke for , myfriend , answerd hee , let us martyr her in such sort , that my love may torment her thoughts & her memory , & performe my businesse quickly , before my masters be ended . speaking thus we came to the roo●e of a tree , the place at which i had told him that his inchātment should be made , and in an instant making a circle , & ●eaching him what he should doe , i made him goe into it starke naked to the skin , because i had neede of a shirt . having him there in this fashion , i tooke his mistresse haires , & twisting them with a cord i made a big roule , with which i tyed his hands to the stumpe of a tree , shewing him the mysterie that was hid in every ceremonie , & i would faine also have tied his feete , if i had not feared that hee should have suspected this to be rather the fact of a robber then of a magitian , but as his hands were enough for my purpose i would do no more . finally having made thē 〈…〉 boūd , defended frō the sharpnes of the cold aire with the onely fire of love , that burned in their heart , there was no body that could hinder me to give two or three knocks at the lock of my chaine with a hammer that i carried in my pocket and taking their horses and clothes i got me out of sight & , being armed like 〈◊〉 s. george i tooke 〈…〉 high way to lions . chap. xi . in which the theefe 〈◊〉 the disgrace that happen●d to him , about a 〈◊〉 of pearle . with the victorie of this dāgerous journey , i tooke the high way towards the town of lyons , joyfull to see my self free , & the owner of foure and twentie double pistolls , which i found by the hazard in my masters pockets with which and with their clothes being brave & gallant i went into the towne , & falling in love with as many brave dames as were there : i talked of love to all that i met with , and receiving particular favours of some , because my presence and my clothes assured them that i was a man of some great house and of good ranke . true it is that to keep them in this errour , and to hold my selfe in the good account with which i had be gun , i oftentimes visited the merchants of greatest credit , telling them , that i lookt for some merchandise from venice , and promising to deale with , i made them in love with me , and they trusted my words as much as my outside and my honest looks did deserue . by which & by counterfeit noblenesse , some gentle women tooke occasiō to be as far in love with me , as thysbe was with piramus , to whom i gave correspondence in the best manner , ●hough i understood that i was not so blinded with love but this colour'd goodwil , & these fained sighs tended rather for my monies then for any good quality or beauty , of mine . but as there is nothing that can resist the kinde alluremēts by which a woman maketh warre against him , whom she minded to deceive i suffered my selfe a little to ●e carried away by amorous shewes of a gentle woman of the towne , merry , pleasant &c who entertained me best though she was none of the fairest : who making shew that she was taken with my love , in a short time emptied my poore purse , leaving me like an image wrapt up in velvet . i pressed also to binde her by allmeanes possible answerable to her fained affection , not so much for my contentment , as for that she was provided with fine knackes , which she had bin accustomed to aske of any new lover such as are chaines , rings bracelets , & above all a chain of pearle , so bigge , round & bright , that at the very sight of them any man of courage would desire them : this friendship at first was very hot , & had a prosperous gale of winde , but as soone as she perceived the weakenesse of my purse , she struck the sailes of her good-will , & began to looke upon me with a crosse & sowre countenance , an accident which in some sort put me in doubt , & made me distrust that i should never work my seate , which i had projected at the beginning of her loves . so before that any falling out or vexing should rise between us , relying upon the kinde offers which a little before she had made me , making me understand , that not only her goods , but also her very life shuld be sacrificed to my friendship ; i requested her to ●awn her chain or her pearls for to contribute with her for the expences of the kitchin , assuring her that i looked for two thousand ducats from a living which i had in my country . but as they are old and subtle in their trade so they are also in their distrust , and so she excused her selfe , saying that the pearles and the chain were pawns of a friend of hers who was to ●ome and redeeme them the 〈◊〉 day , and that her honor should be greatly endangered if she had them not in readinesse . there needed no small 〈◊〉 to cover the annoy which that crafty answere bred me , ●or little wit to turne into jest such a plaine denyall . so without making any shew , or answering one word to that purpose , i fell a laughing most heartily over her shoulders , saying to her , that it was a device that i had framed to try her good will and to see if she would indeede confirme that which she had promist by her words , and drawing out of my pocket a counterfeit letter of exchange , i made her reade it that she migh● see the power that was given me to take up eight hundred ducats from a rich marchant of lyons , who● she knew well , where with comming to her selfe from her rugged coynesse , shee fell againe into her smiling humour , giving me a few light blowes on my cheeke , calling me distrustfull and mocker . i went away from her with a thousand embracings , making her beleeve , that i was going to receive a part of that sum , and god knowes what my heart was . but as povertie hath ever bin the mother of inventions , amongst many others which my imaginatiō afforded me , i choosed out one which was to sell my 〈◊〉 at any rate whatsoe●er , being content only to ●●ve monie to live upon ●ut three dayes , at the end ●f which i minded to have ● fling at her pearles , and so to get mee out of the way ▪ but it happened quite contrarie to me ; i went to catch the wooll but i came backe fleec't which was the just judgement of god , and a righteous punishment of my fault . for though the proverbe saith , he that steales from a theefe winneth a hundred yeares of pardon : yet the theft that is done to women of this kinde , is not put upon this account . but it should be rather held for a great offence , because that for the monies they receive they sell their honor and reputation which ca● not be redeem'd withall th● treasures of the world . 〈◊〉 came to passe then , that 〈◊〉 returning in the evenin● to her house , and makin● my pockets jingle with th● money that i had receive● for my horse , she met m● with embracings , so smiling and kinde , that with her fauning and flatteries , shee made me almost beleeve , that th● refusall she had made me of her pearles , had beene but a tryall and proofe , which she would make of my affection . finally order was given for making supper ready , with which and the tricks that i minded to put upon her , at the comming of my money , i resolved to change her in such sort , that her first sleepe ▪ i should ●●e the commoditie to as●●lt her , and shee never to ●rceive it . but my desires 〈◊〉 not so good successe as ●hought , because that such ●omen know more then 〈◊〉 devill , particularly she , ●ho as an old beaten bel●●me in her trade , there ●as no ambush nor deceit , which shee had not pried ●nto . so the more i urged ●er to drinke , so much the more shee proved coy and backeward . supper ended with all the joy that i could faine , and the hope which that good occasion promist 〈◊〉 , we withdrawing our selves into her chamber , she began to untire her selfe with as much slownesse as it had beene her wedding night . but i desirous to arrive 〈◊〉 the haven of my intent●●on , to make her more car●lesse and lesse suspitious 〈◊〉 went to bed first , fain●● my selfe unable any mo●● to withstand sleepe tha● urged me so eagerly . my disgrace was such , that shee distrusting the summe , that i had bragged to have received , and taking occasion by my dogges sleepe shee would search my pockets to trie if all was gold that glister'd , and if the nuts were answerable to the noise . but finding there was so little monie that it would scarcely furnish out the next dayes expence , she began to be vexed and to have an ill opinion of me . at all this ( though snorting ) i was ●ore watchfull and more a ●nting then a cat when 〈◊〉 watches a mouse , spying 〈◊〉 what place she laid her ●earles , that i might fish ●●em incontinent when ●ee was fallen asleepe . she ●ay downe sad and con●ounded , thinking on the small summe of mony , that ●hee had found , and oft-times sighing . whereof i would in no wise aske the cause , as knowing it well enough , and not desirous to let her from sleeping which i so much desired and long'd for . so a quarter of an houre after , which was the time that in my conceit , shee was past all thinking of it any further , i thought of mine owne designes , weighing well all the inconveniencies whic● might fall out , among●● which i considered the suspition , conceived by her to be most difficult , it seeming to me that she would not sleepe but by halfes , and that seeing the least appearance of that shee imagined , shee would raise the house with her cryes , and put all the neighbours in armes . but amongst many inventions , there came a subtle one in my minde , and most fit for the purpose to this fact , which was , not to hide the pearles in any part of my clothes , but to swallow them one and one , being assured that having past them through my body they would come forth more cleere and bright then 〈◊〉 before , and that in this ●anner though all came to 〈◊〉 worst , the iustice would 〈◊〉 mee free not finding 〈◊〉 pearles about mee . this thought , in my opi●ion seemed admirable good , and thinking that she was asleepe , seeing shee ●●ghed no more , nor shewed ●ny more her unquietnesse . i rose as softly , as was possible , going barefooted and at leasure to the place , where she had left her pearles , and having found them , i began to swallow them one after another , though with some difficultie , i being narrow throated , and they very big . my ill lucke was that while i was , about to swallow the last , it stucke in my weazand so unhappily , that it could neither goe forewar● nor backeward , i was forced to cough with som● violence , and to awake h●● with my coughing , shee cal●● upon me with teares and ●●stonisht , and i dissemblin● the best i could the hinderance of my weazand , answered her that i was seeking for the chamber-pot wit● which shee was well apai● for a while , though not satisfied with my answer , it seeming a thing unlikely to looke on the cupboord for the chamber-pot , which was usually set under the bed , wherefore casting with her selfe the meanes to satisfie her suspition , without making any shew of distrust , shee counterfeited an exceeding fore paine in her bellie ●●ring great cries , and cal●●g to her two maides that ●re in the house for light , ●●d some warme clothes : ●●ee held in her dissembled ●●ine for the space of halfe 〈◊〉 houre , supposing that ●ould be enough to take ●●om me the suspition of her ●unning slights . about the ●●d of which , shee riseth 〈◊〉 bed like lightning , and looking round about the ●●me with a lighted candle and where shee had left her pearles , and no finding them , without speaking ever a word , or asking any other ●eason then what her imagination perswaded her , she begunne to beate her face with her fists , that incontinent shee fill'd her mouth with bloud , uttering after that loud and shrill cry●● that in lesse then a quarter of an houre , above two hundred people were assembled , and amongst them the iustice , who breaking open the doores of the house , came up furiously , finding me in my shirt , and her in her night attyre , with her haire about her eares and her face scratcht , calling to me for her pearles most furiously . the iudge commands that every one should hold their peace , that hee might be inform'd of the fact , and take the deposition of us both , and hee having begunne with me , i gave him content with very humble words , so that neither his threatnings nor intreaties could draw any other answere from me . neverthelesse the iudge seeing the womans vehement complaints and bitter teares charged that my clothes should be search't which was executed with such care and diligence , that hardly a moate of the sunne could have beene hid in them , and they not finding there the pearles all of them with one accord judged mee to be innocent , and condemned her as subtle , shamelesse , and dissembled . she seeing then that they all spake against her , and misregarded her complaints , cast her selfe downe at the iudges feete , tearing her haire , and rending her clothes , and uttering such strong cryes , that the iudge knew not what to thinke , nor what resolution to take , and consulting of the matter with those he brought with him , he resolved , that it having beene verified that she had the pearles when she went to bed , they should be searched for , in all the most secret corners of the chamber , they not being found , they should send for an apothecary , that should give me a potion mingled strongly with scammonie , to the end that if i had swallowed them , i might cast cast them up againe . the iudges sentence was put in execution , and having done their diligence proposed about the chamber , and not finding the pearls , they were forced to come to the last remedy , which was the physicke , they which forced me to take in full health without the physitians appointment , and against my wil , & though i did all that was possible for me to vomite them , there was no meane to make me doe it , so a vehement strife being awakened in my guts i was compelled to give way to the pearles , and to tarry my selfe in prison , enjoying the favours which these gentlemen iustices are wont to bestow upon those that fall into their hands . chap. xii . in which the thiefe relateth the last disgrace that befell him . it was about sixe a clocke at night , when my andrew made an end of telling me his disaster about the pearles , and i desiring to know the last that kept him then in prison , i intreated him to tell mee it from point to point , without missing any thing remarkeable : wherein hee being willing to give me content hee answered joyfully in this manner . if god would have pleased that this should be my last disgrace , and if it had beene as soone ended as i shall end the discourse thereof i should have thought my selfe happie ; but i dare not trust to my hard lucke , because that it being accustomed to persecute me , i do not beleeve that it will ever cease to use mee unkindly with new torments . know then that the iustice of lyons having condemned me in two hundred lashes of the whip , through the streets accustomed , for such malefactours , and marking me with the towne marke , they banisht me the towne with shame enough , allowing me but three daies only to dispatch my businesse and goe into banishment : during which dayes i thought upon a thousand fantasticall discourses , bethinking my selfe , how i might repaire the povertie that had overtaken me after so great abundance . and after i had bethought my selfe of a thousand plots , never a one of which pleased me , the divell put one in my head , which was the trouble that i now am in . i bethought my selfe that the same day that i was whip● , 〈◊〉 famous theefe came after me , whom the iudge had condemned to the same paine , a young man of good disposition , and of a vigorous courage , wittie , and one of the cunningest theeves that in all my life i had dealt withall , but unhappie as well as my selfe . i acquainted my selfe with him to trie , i● betweene two wretched caitives we could finde some comfort in so great a mishap , and communicating one with tho'other our intent and thoughts , we resolved to make a journey together to paris . but before wee were fully resolved of all things fitting for the voyage , we had a consultation about our povertie , and infamie , descanting upon the meanes which we might make in so great mishap , and thinking it was not safe for us to embarke our selves in so great a citie as paris , not having meanes to live on there , and by which to busie our selves , at least while wee were knowne . and after that he had given me the hearing a long while , and heedefully heard all the reasons and designes which i propounded , he said , master lucas ( for that was the name which i had at lions ) the inventions that you shew me are good and worthy of such a spirit as yours : but they bee hard and difficult questions . wherefore leaving them for another occasion , i will tell you one , which if it fal out well , it may well be that we shall get out of this miserie . this is that we may use diligence to finde in this citie of lions some marchant that hath trade and correspondence at paris , from whom wee may get a letter directed to his friend , and having found him , you shal tell him secretly , that you will make up some packes of marchandise in this towne to be transported to flanders with some mony , and leave all at paris in the hands of some sure man , that it might be kept safe , while you go to antwerp , where you shall make as if you have a cozen germane , to trie the price , and how your marchandise may be past off ; and that having never beene at paris , nor made any acquaintance to whom you might recommend your packes , you shall intreate him to write to some merchant of his friends , that hee may keepe them for you . for so much , i suppose , hee will not refuse you , and if he agreeth to it , let me alone . you shall see how i will rule my hands ? if that be all that hinders you , said i , i will finde them that shall give me a thousand letters , and not one only though i am now disgraced , and with infamie yet bleeding , i would have you to know , that there was moe than foure that will doe somewhat for me , and that this is true you shall see by and by . with these words i went from him , and going to a marchants house of my acquaintance , asking of him a letter , after the forme that my camerade had told me , with which i ●eturned exceeding content , and putting it into his hand , he kissed it a thousand times , praising my diligence and credit , and so at last we came to paris with it , where wee being retired to a chamber of the suburbs , we made two packes , with some pieces of coorse canvasse , the rest full of sundry things , such as old shooes , old clothes , ragges , and such other wares , and my camerade put himselfe in the third , wherein i packt him up so neately and handsomly , that neither his packe nor the other two seemed to be nothing else but camlots or fustians . our packes being made up , i went to give the letter to the marchant to whom it was directed , who received it most gladly offering me all his house . after this wee agreed that i should send the packes at eight a clocke at night , to save the custome other dues to be paid by the marchants , amongst which entred that of my companion , if not full of camlots , yet at least of cords , ladder , hooke , file , lantern , knife and other militarie tooles , with which to make war for necessitie , and robbe the marchants mony . he then being entred and all in the house asleepe , because it was past eleven a clocke he slit the canvasse with a knife , and comming out hee search't all the corners of the house , throwing out at the windowes some apparell and silke gownes with that seemed to him to be of the least , which i gathering up in the streete with great diligence , the divell would have it , that the watch in the meane while came by , with so great silence and dissimulation , that they gave me no leasure to hide our bootie , which i was gathering up , nor to betake my selfe to the flight . and as there was no great neede of questioning mee for to know my cops-mates , sith these wares could not fall from heaven , they perceived that my camerade was above , whom , after they led mee to the prison , they imprisoned also for the same crime . he went out a fort night agoe , being condemned to the gallies for ten yeares , and i feare not much lesse , if the mercie and bountie of the iudges have not some pitie of me . chap. xiii . of the statutes and lawes of theeves . by the discourse which i have made of my historie , saith honest andrew , i have noted that you did not like well that i called our company a common-weale , it seeming to you that wee are governed only by the desire wee have to steale , without any other law or reason , which is clean contrary , seeing that amongst us is done nothing which is not ruled by reason laws , statuts & ordināces , punishing those that otherwise exercise our arte . we have in the first place a captain & superiour , all sorts of whom theevsobey , & he disposeth of their thefts w ch they shold act , nāing these whoseeme to him the fittest for the purpose , and choosing the cūningest & wisest of the cōpany for the most difficult & dangerous thefts . and in this there is so good order kept , that there is no man amōgst us that forgetteth one only point of his duty , nor that passeth the bounds of his commission undertaking that w ch is in another mans charge nor medling with greater matters than his capacity can cōpasse . and know this that it is the most essētiall point of our cōmon wealth , by the disorders wherof all others are undone this captain examineth him that cōmeth newly unto the company giving him three months of novice ship , to try his courage , inclinatiō & ability , in w ch time , he propoundeth to him some witty questions as be these ; to hang up some little thing without ladder , pole or line ; to steale a mans horse as he is riding on him upō the way ; to snatch a way a courtiers band amōgst a hundred people , & many other things of this kinde . and having known his inclinatiō & capacity , he givs him the office of a robber , of a grumet , of a cut-purse , or any other wherof he is found to be most capable . you will not deny but that this manner of proceeding is a great state point , just reasonable , & so necessary for the common wealth , that because it hath not bin practised , so great disorders are seene every where in it , seeing violence can promise no other good end . i will tel you that estates and offices should be given to every one , according to his natural inclination , without enforcing or tying him by any respect to another thing than to that which it desireth , not following that which troubleth , to wit , unquietnesse and mishap . for i held it impossible , that shee whom her parents shall put in a cloister against her will , for want of monie to marrie her , can live in peace and contentment . as also he wil never proue a better husband● who for the only pleasure of his parents , and against his minde is tyed in marriage , and so of other employments . we have a notable example of this good order in the lacedemonians state , a curious people , civill and wise , who suffered their children to grow up in libertie , without putting them upon any employment , nor to store up their appetite to any other estate , than to that to which their minde prompted them , and when they came to age and discretion they might choose of themselves the meane to live by most proper and most befitting their naturall inclination , and thence it proceeded that all their actions were so wel ordered and so per●it . after this manner our cōmon wealth is governed , & with this la●● our captain ruleth the capacity of those , who come newly● unto him , be●●owing on hi●● the office & maner of stealin●● according to the dispositio●● that hee hath taken notice o● in him in the months of his novice-ship . this captaine is an old man , wise , well experienced & finally exempted from the trade , as being one who●● force and nimblenesse having failed for the practize , he exerciseth the theorie with us teaching us the method and precepts of stealing . to which end he makes 〈◊〉 meete together once a week●● in a certaine place appointe● for the purpose , where h●● bindeth us to give a strict a●●count of all the thefts and accidents that have happened ●●erein , reproving sharply those who are negli●ent and prove vnprofitable , praysing the vigilant and ●●btle . this is done ordinarily on saturday night , on which day he appointeth all that must be done the weeke following , sharing out to every one the places that he shold keep in , & the thefts in which he shuld be emploied , taking of thē all a strict oath of faithfulnesse , & punishing the offenders , the first time abridging him of that part of the theft which belongeth to him , the secōd depriving him of the place of sixe moneths , and if he be incorrigible and stubborne , he puts him into the hands of the marshall . if hee falls in a fault by negligence & carelesnesse , 〈◊〉 it may be by comming to 〈◊〉 to his place , to go elsewhere , or let slip some occasion i●● not laying hold of it , he is deprived of a weekes benefit , 〈◊〉 taking from him the office of a theefe , he puts him in the office of a spie , or of a watch-man , for the time that our councell shall appoint . of all thefts in the first place is allotted the fifth par● to him , that spares the whi●● to us , banishment , the gallies , the gallowes , and that which remaineth of the tenths for pious uses , which are , to succour the sicke and needie of our companie , to● release prisoners , and to eas●● the disgraces of those th●● have no monie . we receive no women in ●●e companie , unlesse it be in ●se of great necessitie , and when it cannot be other●ise , because by nature they ●●nnot keepe secrets , & they being unable to eschew this inconvenience we are bound upon great paines not to reveale unto them , how , from whom , and when wee have stollen . ●he that commits the theft hath equall share with the captaine for paines & danger that hee hath put himselfe in , his complices have the third part , and the spies the fift . as for the honour and respect which is due to every one , there is such an order kept , that no wrong is done to any one of the companie , every officer having hi● ranke and place appointed i● all our meetings , assemblies and consultations . for the first are the robbers , next the stafadours , then the grumets , after these the ho●bgoblins , then follow the wooll-drawers , the mallets follow them , and last the apostles , cigarets , cut-purses , and caterers . over all these a kinde of theeves bearesway , called among us liberalls , whose office is to undertake some strange points , as to blacke their faces with inke o●kennell durt , to hang garlands of hornes at mens doores , libells or such like , and these are the wittyest of all the company , and those who as it were indued with the best wit and invention , weigh and foreseeing all the difficulties that can happen in a dangerous case . none of the companie may make any quarrell , noise or contentiō with another , about any matter whatsoever , unlesse it be fained or subtle , to avoide any suspition , that may be offered . we may not eate twice two of us together in one and the same tavern or vi●ailling house , except it be once in the fev'night , to th' end that if any thing come in the way to be stollen there we may breede no suspition among●● them that should ●e●us there . we are forbidden also 〈◊〉 go together through the city 〈…〉 another ; unlesse it be to fall a quarrelling , & to make some false blowe at one another , to draw people together , that upon the occasion of our quarrell the cutpurses may make up their hand . every professor of the companie carrieth his badge and secret marke , by which he is in an instant known of us all , understanding by this order , how many there are of an office in every streete & part of the town . so the robbers be are alwaies a glove handing and made fast by one finger . the wooll drawers button their doublet by intercession 〈◊〉 is to say , they but ●on one ▪ and misse the next . the 〈…〉 their finger into one of their no strils . the cut-purses have a little white marke in their hat-bands . the mal●etes beare their cloake after a certaine fashion , and finally every particular office hath its particular token by which it is known among the company . when any woman of the companie is married every profession gives her five crowns to augment her portion , keeping neverthelesse such an order , that she may not be married but to one of her owne trade ; that is to say , the daughter of a robber with a man of the same vocation or calling . and if by chance some cut-purse should marrie his daughter with a robber , staffador or grumet , hee is bound to give him a hundred crowns in portion more then ordinarie , because his sonne of law is of greater and higher office then the father is . we make a vow of patience and suffering , promising to be couragious and constant against torture , though we be seldome put to it , because ( as i have told you ) all that is salv'd with the fifth part . and to the end that all the places of the towne may be sufficiently provided , it is enacted that every professour that shall come newly to a place , should put there some marke , shewing thereby the number of theeves which are in that part : so the first that commeth layth a die in some secret corner , and yet well known to those of the companie , with the a●e turned upwards ; the second that commeth , turneth the die to the deuse point , the third to the trey , the fourth to the quarter , and so the others to the ●ise , and being come to that number , the same office stayeth in the same place , because that according to our lawes we cannot be above six in one and the same place : and when any one goeth away he turnes the die upon the number of theeves that remaine , in such sort , that they being six , the first that goeth away turnes the die to the cinque poin● the second to the quarter the third to the trey , b● which number he that i● behinde of the theeves i● knowne . we are bound to nourish● and sustaine all the creeples , blinde , sick , and those whom their extreame old age excuseth from stealing . none of us may weare cloake , hat , breeches , doublet nor any thing else that was stollen , nor sell gold , silver or jewells in that towne where they were stollen , under paine of a great and exemplarie punishment . wee are commanded to carry alwayes a false bea●d in our pocket , with plaisters of sundry sorts , to disguise us in an instant when occasion shall require , as concerning religion we are halfe christians , because that of the two principall commandments of god● law we keep one , which is to love god , but in no case our neighbour because we take from him that he hath . next we receive and allow of the two parts of confession ( because now and then we confess ) and contrition , but of the third , which is satisfaction or restitution we not so much as make mention or talk. finis . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a -e the author would not haue beene so vehement , had he been in one of our english prisons , which for the most part are made rather places of ease and delight then punishment . spanish apparitors what sort of people . these theevis● words of the trade are afterward made cleare . to be whipt at the carts taile . burnd on the shoulders . see cap. . p. . see cap . cap. . ibids 〈◊〉 the english rogue described, in the life of meriton latroon, a witty extravagant being a compleat discovery of the most eminent cheats of both sexes. licensed, january . . english rogue. part head, richard, ?- ? approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing h estc r this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) the english rogue described, in the life of meriton latroon, a witty extravagant being a compleat discovery of the most eminent cheats of both sexes. licensed, january . . english rogue. part head, richard, ?- ? [ ], [i.e. ], - , - , , - , [ ] p., [ ] leaves of plates : port. printed for francis kirkman, and are to be sold by him and thomas dring the younger, at the white-lyon next chancery-lane in fleet street, london : . by richard head, who signs the epistle to the reader. running title reads: the english rogue: or, witty extravagant. part i only of a work of fiction based upon the author's early life. text continuous, in spite of the erratic pagination. page is mispaginated . reproduction of the original at the bodleian library, oxford, england. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as <gap>s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng rogues and vagabonds -- england -- fiction -- early works to . thieves -- fiction -- early works to . - tcp assigned for keying and markup - apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images - paul schaffner sampled and proofread - paul schaffner text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion richard head the globe's thy studye ; for thy boundless mind in a less limit cannot by confind . gazing , i here admire : thy very lookes show thou art read as well in men , as bookes . he that shall scan thy face , may judge by it , thou hast an headpeece that is throngd with wit. the english rogue described , in the life of meriton latroon , a witty extravagant . being a compleat discovery of the most eminent cheats of both sexes . mans life 's a play , the world a stage , whereon learn thou to play , or else be play'd upon . si mihi praet●…ritos referat nune jupiter annos , qualis eram , &c. — licensed , january . . london , printed for francis kirkman , and are to be sold by him and thomas dring the younger , at the white lyon next chancery lane in fleet street . . the epistle to the reader . gentlemen , it hath been too much the humour of late , for men rather to adventure on the forreign crazy stilts of other mens inventions , then securely walk on the ground-work of their own home-spun fancies . what i here present ye with , is an original in your own mother-tongue ; and yet i may not improperly call it a translation , drawn from the black copy of mens wicked actions ; such who spared the devil the pains of courting them , by listing themselves volunteers to serve under his hellish banners ; with some whereof i have heretofore been unhappily acquainted , and am not ashamed to confess , that i have been somewhat soiled by their vitious practices , but now i hope cleansed in a great measure from those impurities . every man hath his peculiar guilt , proper to his constitution and age : and most have had ( or will have ) their exorbitant exiliencies , erronious excursions , which are least dangerous when atrenoed by youthfulness . this good use i hope the reader will make with me of those follies , that are so generally and too frequently committed every where , by declining the commission of them ( if not for the love of virtue , yet to avoid the dismal effects of the most dangerous consequences that continually accompany them . ) and how shall any be able to do this , unless they make an introspection into vice ? which they may do with little danger ; for it is possible to injoy the theorick , without making use of the practick . to save my country-men the vast expence and charge of such experimental observations , i have here given an accompt of my readings , not in books , but men ; which should have been buried in silence , ( fearing lest its title might reflect on my name and reputation ) had not a publick good interceded for its publication , far beyond any private interest or respect . when i undertook this subject , i was destitute of all those tools ( books , i mean ) which divers pretended artists make use of to form some ill-contrived design . by which ye may understand , that as necessity forced me , so a generous resolution commanded me to scorn a lituanian humour or custom , to admit of adjutores tori , helpers in a marriage-bed , there to engender little better then a spurious issue . it is a legitimate off-spring , i 'll assure yee , begot by one singly and soly , and a person that dares in spight of canker'd malice subscribe himself a well-willer to his countries welfare , richard head. on the approvedly-ingenious , and his loving friend , mr. richard head , the author of this book . what gusman , buscon , francion , rablais writ , i once applauded for most excellent wit : but reading thee , and thy rich fancies store , i now condemne , what i admir'd before . honceforth translations pack away , be gone ; no rogue so well writ , as our english one . m. y. to his respected friend , the author . could i but reach bayes from apollo's tree , i 'd make a wreath to crown thy work and thee ; which yet is needless , now i think upon 't ; thy own great pen deservedly hath don 't . of all who write of thee , this is my vogue , none ere writ better of , and is less rogue . w. w. on his deserving friend the author . fletcher the king of poets of his age , in all his writings throughout every page made it his chiefest business to describe the various humours of the canting-tribe : his beggars-bush , and other of his playes did gain to him ( deservedly ) the bayes . nature and art in him were both conjoyn'd ; none could ere say that his wit was purloyn'd : neither is thine : he did all fancies fill , from kings and queens , unto the maid o' th' mill ; and so canst thou , for thou hast here display'd the vices of each sex , and every trade . wherefore what he in his time wore , do thou put on , a wreath of bays t' adorne thy brow . f. k. in stead of the errata . this rogue hath had his faults ; the printers too : all men whilst here , do erre ; and so may you. books lately printed for , and sold by francis kirkman . the english rogue described in the life of meriton latroon , a witty extravagant : being a compleat discovery of the most eminent cheats of both sexes . poor robins jeasts : or , the compleat jeste●… first and second part ; being a collection of several jests not heretofore published , now newly composed and written by poor robin , knight of the burnt island , and well-willer to the mathematicks ; together with the true and lively effigies of the author . the spightful sister : a new comedy , written by abraham bayly of lincolns-inn gent. money is an ass , a comedy , written by tho. jordan gent. there is now in the press , and will be published in few days , the english rogue continued in the life of meriton latroon , and other extravagants , being a compleat discovery of the most eminent cheats of most trades and professions : the second part. the english rogue describ'd in the life of a witty extravagant . chap. i. what his parents were . the place of his own nativity . his miraculous escape from the hands of irish rebels . his brother being at that very time murdered by the merciless hands of those bloody butchers . after a long and strict inquisition after my fathers pedegree , i could not finde any of his ancestors bearing a coat : surely length of time had worn it out . but if the gentle craft will any wayes ennoble his family , i believe i could deduce several of his name , professors of that lasting art , even from crispin . my fathers father had by his continual ●…abour in husbandry , arrived to the height of a farmer , then the head of his kinred : standing upon one of his own mole-hills , ambition so sweled him , that he swore by his plow-share , that his ●…ldest son ( my father ) should be a scholliard and should learn so long , till he could read any printed or written hand ; nay , and if occasion should serve , write a bill or bond. it was never known that any of the family could distinguish one letter from another , neither could they speak above the reach of their horses understandings . talk to them in any other dialect but ●…at of a bag-pudding of a peck , or a piece of beef , ( in which their teeth might step whet-shod ) and a man were as good to have discoursed with them in arabick . but let me not abuse them ; for some understood something else ; that is to say , the art of whistling , driving their team , and to shooe themselves as well as their horses ; how to lean methodically upon a staff , and through the holes of their hat , tell what it is a clock by the sun. the symmetrical proportion , sweetness of features , and acuteness of my fathers wit , were such ( though extracted out of this lump of red and white marle ) that he was belov'd of all . as the loveliness of his person gain'd always an interest in female hearts ; so the quickness of apprehension and invention , and the acquired quaintness of his expressions ; procured him the friendship of such as conversed with him . a gentleman at length taking notice of more than ordinary natural parts in him , at his proper charge sent him to school contrary to the desire of his father , who was able enough to maintain him at school ; and to say the truth , this gentleman offered not my father his patronage upon any charitable account , but that he might hereafter glory in the being the chief instrument of bringing up such a fair promising wit ; which he questioned not with good cultivation would bring forth such lovely fruit as would answer cost , and fully satisfie his expectation . being admitted into the grammar-school , by the strength of his memory , to his masters great amazement , in a very short time he had lillies rules by heart , out-stripping many that for years had been entred before him : his master perceiving what a stupendious proficiency he had made , was very glad that this fair opportunity offered it self , that he might be idle , and in order thereunto would frequently appoint my fath●…r to be his usher or deputy , when he intended to turn bacchanalian , to drink , hunt , or whore , to which vices he was over-much addicted . my father having now conquered in a manner the difficulties of that schools learning , began now to lay aside his book , and follow the steps of his vicious learned master , the examples of a superior proving oftentimes guides to inferior actions , regis ad exemplum — besides his springing age ( wherein the blood is hot and fervent ) spur'd him on , and the natural disposition of his minde , gave him wings to fly●… whither his unbounded , licentious , self-pleasing will would direct . his youth introduced him into , all sorts of vanity , and his constitution of body , was the mother of all his unlawful pleasures . his temperament gave sense preheminence above reason . thus you see ( which experience can more fully demonstrate ) how the heat of youth gives ●…wel to the fire of voluptuous enjoyments ; but without a supply of what may purchase those delights , invention must be tenter-hooked , which ever proves dangerous , most commonly fatal . my grand-father too indulgent to his son , supply'd him continually with money ; which he did the more freely , since he was exempted from such charges which necessity required for my fathers maintenance , he having now more than a bare competency , he not onely consents to the commission of evil , but tempts others to pe●…petrate the like . and now following his own natural proncness to irregular liberty , ●…iurnally suggests matter of innovation , not onely to his own , but others reasons . 〈◊〉 non citius 〈◊〉 quam in deum delinquens , non citius surgens 〈◊〉 insurgens . no sooner relinquishing his bed , but delinquishing his creator , no sooner rising , than rising against his god. in short , i know not whether he prevailed more on others , or others on him , for he was facile ; the best nature is most quickly depraved , as the purest flesh corrupts soonest , and most noisom when corrupted . yet notwithstanding these blooming debaucheries , he neglected not his study so much , but that he capacitated himself for the university , and by app●…obation was sent thither by his patron . he applyed himself close to his book for a while , till he had adapted himself a companion for the most absolute critick could be selected out of any of the colle●…ges : in the assured confidence of his own parts , he ventured among them , and left such remarks of his cutting wit in all companies he came into , that the gallants and most notable . wits of oxford , covered so much his company , that he had not time to apply himself to his study ; but giving way to their sollicitations , being prompted thereunto 〈◊〉 his own powerful inclinations , ●…lung'd himself over head and ears in all manner of 〈◊〉 . for his ●…ewd carriage , 〈◊〉 wicked practises , and 〈◊〉 behavior , he was at last 〈◊〉 the colle●…ge . now was he forc'd to return to his father , who with much joy received him , but would not tell him the true cause of his coming down : but to palliate his vi●…lanies , inform'd his father that he had learned as much as he could be instructed in ; and now and then would sprinkle his discourse with a greek or latine sentence , when talking with the poorignorant old man ; who took wonderful delight in the meer sound thereof . when my father spake at any time , they were all as silent as midnight ; and then would my grandfather with much admiration becken to the standers by , to give their greatest attention , to what the speaker as little understood at his auditors , not caring what non-sense he utter'd , if wrapt up in untelligble hard words , purposely to abuse those brutish plough-jobbers . in ostentation he was carried to the parson of the parish to discourse with him ; who by good fortune understood no other tongue but what his mother taught him ; my father perceiving that , made shoulderamutton and rat●…thumpton serve for very good greck ; which the parson confirm'd : telling my grandfather further , that his son was an excellent scholar ; protesting that he was so deeply learned , that he spake things he understood not ; this i have heard him say , made him as good sport , as ever he receiv'd in the most ingenious society . he had not been long in the countrey , before a gentle woman taking notice of his external and internal qualifications , fell deeply in love with him ; and preferring her own pleasure before the displeasure of her wealthy relations , she incontinently was married to him . i shall wave how it was brought about in every particular , but onely instance what is therein remarkable . doubtless the gestures he used in his preaching ( when she was present ) might something avail in the conquest of her affections ; beginning with a dearly beloved passionately extended , looking full in her face all the while , and being in the time of the kingdomes alteration and confusion , a temporizing minister , he had learned all those tricks by which those of his sect and coat used to bewitch a female ear . but that which chiefly effected his desires , was the assurance of an old matron , that lived near my mother , who for profit serupled not to officiate a bawd ; this good old gentlewoman contrived wayes to bring them together , unsuspected by any , by which means they obtain'd the opportunity to perform hymens rites , sans ceremonies of the church . my mother finding impregnation , acquainted my father therewith , who ( glad to hear how fast he had tied her to him ) urged her to the speedy consummation of a legal marriage ; which she more longed for than he did himself , but knew not how to bring it to pass , by reason of those many obstacles which they saw obvious , and thwarting their intentions . as first , the vast disproportion between their estates ; next , the antipathy her parents bore to his function . joyning these to many other obstructions , which fancy and knowledge presented to them , they concluded to sreal a wedding , and accordingly did put it in execution . much troubled her parents were at first , to hear how their daughter had fhip-wrackt her fortune ( as they judged it ) in the imfortunate loosing her maiden-head , but time , with the intercession of friends , procured a reconciliation between them , and all parties well pleased . the old people took great delight in their fortune , hopeful thoughts and expectations of their son-in-law , but he more in the reception of a large sum of money they paid him , and my mother most of all ( as she thought ) in the continual conversation and enjoyment of my farther , which she equally ranked with what might be esteemed the best of things . his eminent parts natural , ( and what he attain'd unto by his country studies , being asham'd to have lost so much time ) introduc'd him as a chaplain to a noble-man , with whom he travel'd into ireland . he took shipping at myneard , and from thence , sayled to knock-f●…rgus , where he lived both creditably and comfortably . experience had then so reformed his life to so strict a religious course , that his observers gain'd more by his example , than his hearers by precepts . thus by his piety in the purity of its practice , he soon regain'd his lost credit . by this time my mother grew near her time , having conceiv'd me in england , but not conceiving she should thus drop me in an irish bog . there is no fear that england and ireland will after my decease , contend about my nativity , as several countreys did about h●…mer ; either striving to have the honour of first giving him breath . neither shall i much thank my native countrey , for bestowing on me such principles as i and most of my countrey-men drew from that very air ; the place i think made me appear a bastard in disposition to my father . it is strange the clymate should have more prevalency over the nature of the na●…ive , than the disposition of the parent . for though father and mother could neither flatter , deceive , revenge , equivocate , &c. yet the son ( as the consequence hath since made it appear ) can ( according to the common custom of his countrey-men ) dissemble and sooth up his adversary with expressions extracted from celestial manna , taking his advantage thereby to ruine him : for to speak the truth , i could never yet love any but for some by-respect , neither could i ever be perswaded into a pacification with that man who had any way injured me , never resting satisfied till i had accomplisht a plenary revenge , which i commonly effected under the pretence of great love and kindness . cheat all i dealt withal , though the matter were ever so inconsiderable . lye so naturally , that a miracle may be as soon wrought , as a truth proceed from my mouth . and then for equivocation , or mental reservations , they were ever in me innate properties . it was alwayes my resolution , rather to die by the hand of a common executioner , than want my revenge , though ever so slightly grounded . but i shall desist here to characterize my self further , reserving that for another place . four years after my birth , the rebellion began so unexpectedly , that we were forced to flee in the night ; the light of our flaming houses , ricks of hay , and stacks of corn , guided us out of the town , and our fears soon conveyed us to the mountains . the rebels , wandring to and fro , intending either to meet with their friends , ( who flockt from all parts to get into a body ) or else any english , which they designed as sacrifices to their implacable malice , or inbred antipathy to that nation , met with my mother , attended by two scullogues , her menial servants , the one carrying me , the other my brother . the fates had decreed my brothers untimely death , and therefore unavoidable , the faithful infidel being butchered with him . the surviving servant who carried me , declared that he was a roman catholick , and imploring their mercy with his howling chram a crees , for st. patrick a gra , procured my mothers , his own , and my safety . thus was i preserv'd , but i hope not reserv'd as a subject for divine vengeance to work on . had i then died , no other guilt could have rendred me culpable from gods tribunal , but what was derivative before adam . but since , the concatenation of sins various links hath encompassed the whole series of my life . now to the intent i may deter others from perpetrating the like , and receive to my self absolution ( according as it is promised ) upon unseigned repentance , and ingenious confession of my nefarious facts , i shall give the readers a summary relation of my life ; from my non-age to the meridian of my dayes , hoping that my extravagancies and youthful exiliences , have in that state of life , their declination and period . chap. ii. a short account of the general insurrections of the irish , anno . but though the mercy of these inhumane villaius extended to the saving of our lives , yet they had so little consideration and commiseration , as to expose our bodies ( by stripping us ) stark naked to the extremity of a cold winter night , not so much as sparing my tender age . thus without shooes or stockings , or the least rag to cover our nakedness , with the help of our guide , we travelled all night through woods as obscure as that black darkness that then environed our horizon . by break of day we were at belfast ; about entering the skirts of the town , this honest and grateful servant , ( which is much in an irish man ) being then assured of our safety , took his leave of us , and returned to the rebels . here were we received with much pitty of all , and entertain'd , and cloth'd , and fed , by some charitable minded persons ; to gratifie their souls for what they had done for my mothers body , and those that belong'd to her , my father frequently preacht , which gave general satisfaction , and continued thus in instructing his hearers , till the sark or surplice , was adjudged by a scóttish faction , to be the absolute smock of the whore of babylon . then was he constrain'd to flie again to linsegarvy , taking his charge with him . before i proceed , give me leave to digress a little , in giving you a brief account of the irish rebellion , not two yeares before it broke out , all those ancient animosities , grudges , and hatred , which the irish had ever been observed to bare unto the english , seemed to be deposited and buried in a firm conglutination of their affections , and national obligations , which passed between them . for these two had lived together forty years in peace , with such great security and comfort , that it had in a manner consolidated them into one body , knit and compacted together with all those ligatures of friendship , alliance , and consanguinity , as might make up a constant and everlasting union betwixt them there . their inter-marriages were near upon as frequent as their gossippings and fosterings , ( relations of much dearness among the irish ) together with all tenancies , neighborhoods and services interchangeably passed among them . nay , they had made as it were a mutual transmigration into each others manners , many english being strongly degenerated into irish affections and customes , and many of the better sort of irish studying as well the language of the english , as delighting to be apparrel'd like them . nay , so great an advantage did they find by the english commerce and cohabitation , in the profits and high improvements of their lands , as sir phelim o noal , that rebellious ring-leader , with divers others eminent in that bloody insurrection , had not long before turn'd off their lands , their irish tenants , admitting english in their rooms ; who were able to give them far greater rents , and more certainly pay the same . so as all those circumstances duly weighed and considered with the great increase of trade , and many other evident symptoms of a flourishing common-wealth ; it was believed even by the wisest and most experienced in the affairs of ireland , that the peace and tranquility of that kingdom was fully settled , and most likely in all humane probability to continue , especially under the government of such a king as charles the first , whom after-ages may admire , but never match . such was the serenity and security of this kingdom , as that there appeared not any where any martial preparations , for reliques of any kinde of disorders , no not so much as the least noise of war whisperingly carried to any ear in all this land. now whilest in this great calm , the brittish continued in the deepest security , whilest all mon sar pleasantly enjoying the fruits of their own labors , sitting under their own ( vines , without the least thoughts of apprehensions of tumulcs , troubles , or massacres , there brake out on october the twenty third , in the year of ●…our lord , sixteen hundred forty and one , almost desperate , direful , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 rebellion , an universal desection 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , wherein not 〈◊〉 the meer native 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 almost all those english that profest the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 were totally involved 〈◊〉 solved by me to give you a 〈◊〉 the most remarkable transactions and 〈◊〉 my life , it will be also necessary to acquaint you with the beginning and first mo●… neither shall i omit to trace the progress of 〈◊〉 rebellion , since therein , i shall relate sum●… 〈◊〉 and what others underwent , 〈◊〉 of the irish , and their abomi●… committed , as well without number , as without mercy , upon the english inhabitants of both sexes , and all ages . it was carried with such secresie , that none understood the conspiracy , till the very evening that immediately preceded the night of its general execution . i must confess there was some such thing more than suspected by one sir william cole , who presently sent away letters to the lord chief justices , but miscarried by the way . omen o conally ( though meer irish , was notwithstanding a protestant ) was the first discoverer of this general insurrection , giving in the names of some of the chief conspirators . hereupon the lords convened and sate in council , whose care and prudence at that time was such , that some of the ring-leaders were instantly seized , and upon examination , confest that on that very day of their surprizal , all the ports and places of strength in ireland , would be taken ; that there was a considerable number of gentlemen and others , twenty out of each county , were come up expresly to surprize the castle of dublin . adding further , that where was to be done in the countrey ( where mercury the swist messenger ) could neither by the wit of man , or by letter , be prevented . hereupon a strict search was made for all strangers lately come to 〈◊〉 and all horses were seized on , whose owners could not give a good account of them . and notwithstanding , there was a proclamation disperst through all ireland , giving notice of a horrid plot designed by irish papists , against english protestants , intending thereby a discouragement to such of the conspirators , as yet had not openly declared themselves . yet did they assemble in great number , principally in the north , in the province of ulster , taking many towns , as the newry , drummoore , &c. burning , spoiling , and committing horrible murthers every where . these things wrought such a general consternation and astonishment in the mindes of the english , that they thought themselves no where secure , flying from one danger into another . in a very short time , the meer irish northern papists by closly persuing on their first plot , had gotten into their possession most of the towns , forts , castles , and gentlemens houses , within the counties of tyron , denegal , fermanah , armab , canan , &c. the chief that appeared in the execution of this plot , within the province of ulster , were sir phelim o neal , tourlough his brother , roure mac cuire , phillip o rely , sir conne mac gennis , mac brian , and mac mahan , these combining with their accomplices dividing their forces , and according to a general assignation , surprized the forts of dongannon , and mon●…joy , carlemont , with other places of considerable strength . now began a deep tragedy : the english having either few other than irish landlords , tenants , servants , neighbors , or familiar friends , as soon as this fire brake out , and the whole country in a general conflagration , made their recourse presently to some of these , lying upon them for protection and preservation , and with g eat confidence trusted their lives and all their concerns in their powers . but many of these in short time after , either betrayed them to others , or destroyed them with their own hands . the popish priests had so charged and laid such bloody impressions on them , as it was held according to their doctrine they had received , a deadly sin to give an english protestant any relief . all bonds of faith and friendship now fractur'd , irish landlords now prey'd on their english tenants ; irish tenants and servants , made a sacrifice of their english landlords and masters , one neighbor murthering another ; nay , 't was looked on as an act meritorious in him that could either subvert or 〈◊〉 an english man ; the very children 〈◊〉 the cruelty of their parents , of which i shall 〈◊〉 a mark with ●…e to my grave , given me 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 by one of my irish play-fellows . 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 high time to flie , although we knew not 〈◊〉 ; every place we arriv'd at we thought least 〈◊〉 , wherefore our motion was continual ; and that which heightned our misery , was our frequent stripping thrice a day and in such a dismal stormy 〈◊〉 season , as the memory of man had never observ'd to 〈◊〉 so long together . the terror of the irish and scorch incomparably prevailed beyond the rage of the sea , so that we were resolved to use all possible means to get on shipboard . at b●…fast we accomplisht our desires , com●…ing our selves to the more merciful waves . this relation being so short , cannot but be very imperfect , yet if i dare credit my mother , it is not stain'd with falshood . many horrid things ( i consess ) i purposely omitted , as desiring to wave any thing of aggravation , or which might occasion the least animofity between two , though of several languages , yet i hope both ●…ited in the demonstration of their consrant loyalry to their soveraign charles the second . chap. iii. after his arrival in devonshire , he briefly recounts what waggeries he committed , being but a childe . being about . years of age , report rendred me a very beautiful childe , neither did it ( as most commonly ) prove a lyar. being enricht with all the good properties of a good face , had not pride in that my render age , depriv'd me of those graces and choise ornaments which compleat both form and feature . thus it happen'd , my father kept commonly many turkeys ; one amongst the rest could not endure the fight of a red coat , which i usually wore : but that which most of all exasperated my budding passion , was , his assaulting my bread and butter , and in stead thereof , sometimes my hands ; which caused my bloomy revenge to use this stratagem : i enticed him with a piece of custard ( which i temptingly shewed him , not without some suspition of danger which fear suggested , might attend my treachery , and so led him to the orchard-gate , which was made to shut with a pulley ; he reaching in his head after me , i immediately clapt fast the gate , and so surprized my mortal foe : then did i use that llttle strength i had , to beat his brains out with my cat-stick ; which being done , deplum'd his tayl , sticking those feathers in my bonnet , as the insulting trophies of my first and latest conquest . such then was my pride , as i nothing but gazed up at them ; which so tried the weakness of my eyes , and so strain'd the optick nerves , that they ran a tilt at one another , as if they contended to share with me in my victory . this accident was no small trouble to my mother , that so doated on me , that i have often heard her say , she forgot to eat ( when i sat at table ) for admiring the sweetness of my complexion . after she had much grieved her self to little purpose , she consulted with patience , and applied her self to skilful occulists , to repair the loss this face-blemishing had done so sweet a countenance , though for the present it eclipsed my mothers glory and pride , yet time and art reduced my eyes to their proper station ; so that within six years their oblique aspects were hardly discernable . when i was about ten years old , i have heard some say , that this cast of my eyes was so far from being a detriment , that it became my ornament . experience confirm'd me in this belief ; for they prov'd as powerful , as the perswasive arguments of my deluding tongue ; both which conjoyn'd , were sufficient ( i speak it not vain gloriously ) to prevail even over the goddess of chastity , especially when they were backt on with ardent desires , and an undaunted resolution but to my purpose : being driven out of ireland , there being at that time no place of safety in that kingdom , my mother taking me with her , ( being compelled to leave my father behind , barbarously murdered by the rebels for being a protestant preacher ) she adventured to sea , not caring whither she went. foulness of weather drove us upon the coast of france , where we were forced to land , to repair what damage the ship had sustained in stress of weather . from hence we set sail , and landed in the west of england , at a place called barnstable in the county of devon. here we were joyfully received , and well entertained by some of my mothers kindred at first ; but lying upon them , they at length grew weary ; so that we were forced to go from thence to plimouth , so called from the river plime , unto which the town adjoyneth ; at that time it was strongly fortified by new rais'd works , a line being cast about it , besides places of strength antiently built ; as the castle , the fort of an hundred pieces of ordnance , that commands cat-water , and overlooks the sound , mount batten , and the islands in the sound , well furnished with men and great guns impregnable ; had they been never built or demolished , raced assoon as raised on their basis , it had been much better then to have prov'd the fomenters of rebellion in the late wars for a whole year , daily thundring treason against their lawful soveraign . we being here altogether unacquainted both with the people and their profestion , my mother having an active brain , casts about with her self how she should provide for her charge , but sound no way more expedient , than the pretention of religion . zeal now and piety were the onely things sheseem'd to prosecute , taking the literal sense of the text ; without doubt godliness is great gain : but she err'd much in the profession and seasonable practice thereof ; hers being according to the mind of the true church , the church of england , whereas the plymotheans were at that time heterodox thereunto , and led away as the rest of their brethren called roundheads , by the spirit of delusion . finding how much she was mistaken , the chang'd quickly her no●…e and coat ; a rigid presbyterian at first , but that proving not so profitable , instantly transform'd her self into a strickt independant . this took well , which made her stick close to the brethren , which rais'd their spirits to make frequent contribution in private to supply her wants . here we had borrowed so much of the sisterhood ▪ who vildly suspected my mother to be too dearly beloved by the brotherhood , that it was high time to rub off to another place , left staying longer , the holy mask of dissimulation should fall off ; and she being detected , be shamefully excluded their congregation , and so delivered up to be buffeted by satan . before i leave the town , give me leave to take a short view thereof . eorn●…erly it was a poor small fishing village , but now so large and throng'd with inhabitants ( many where of very wealthy merchants ) that as it may be compared with , so may it put in its claim for the name of a city . havens , as there are many so commodious , which without striking sail , admit into the bosome there of the tallest ships that be , harbouring them very safely , and is excellently well fortified against hostility . it is scituate alike for profit and pleasure ; in brief , it wants little that the heart of man would enjoy , from the various productions of the whole universe . now farewel plymoth , no matter whither we went , for where-ever we came ; we found still some or other that gave us entertainment for those good parts they found in my mother , she being very well read both in divinity and history , and having an ●…loquent tongue , she commonly appli'd her self to the minister of the town ; who wondring to see so much learning and perfection in a woman , either took us into his own house for a while , or gathered some contributions to supply our present necessities ; with which we travelled to the next town : and in this manner we strouled or wandred up and down , being little better than mendicant itinerants . staying so little time in a place , and my mother being more careful to get a subsistance , than to season my tender years with the knowledge of letters , i was ten years old before i could read . travelling through many towns unfit for our purpose , we at last took up our seat for a while at birdport in dorse●…shire , here being asham'd to go to school in this ignorance , i apply'd my self to my mother , who taught me to apprehend the alphabet in less hours than there are letters ; so that in a short time , i could read distinctly , and immediately introduc'd into the grammar-school ; where i had not been long , before i became a book-worm , securing as many as lay in my way , if convenient privacie serv'd . and to the intent that my thests might pass undiscovered , before i would vend what books i had stoln , i usually metamorphized them : if new , i would gash their skin ; and if the leaves were read , i would make them look pale for the wounds they received : if much used , tear out all the remarks , and paint their old faces , and having so done , make sale of them . this course i followed a long time undiscovered , which cost many a boy a whipping at home by their parents , as well as master . i had various uses for my money i made thereof ( you must think ) but principally to bribe some of the upper form to make my exercises ; which were so well liked of by my master , that i still came off with applause ; and in short time so advanc'd , that i was next to the highest form , when i understood not the lowest author we read . i was forced to imploy my wits in the management of my hands , to keep rouch with my pensioners , left they failing me for want of encouragement , my master should discover how much my dunceship was abused . frequent were my truantings , which were always attended with some notorious fact besides small faults , as robbing of orchards , pulling the first and seconds of forty or fifty geese at a time , milking the cows or goats into my hat , and so drink the milk : and then for poultry , there was seldome a day escaped wherein i had not more or less , usually i took them thus : at night i haunted the hen-roosts , taking them off so quietly from what they stood on , that their keckling noise seldome alarm'd the rest ; if i could not conveniently carry them off , i made their eggs compound for their heads . if i met with any geese at any time , them out came my short stick with a string fastened to a bullet , and tied to the end thereof , with this would i fetch in my game by the neck ; the weight of the bullet twirling the string so many times about the neck , that they could not di●…ingage themselves from inevitable destruction . i used to fish for ducks , baiting my hook with a gut or some such trash ; and laying it on a piece of corke , that swiming it might be the sooner perceived , i could carch in a short time as many as i pleased : nay , i have not onely thus deceived these ●…ame fowl ; but the same way with a longer time , i have caught gulls and other sea-birds . what i had gotten by these cunning ( and so much to be feared tricks ) i carried to a house that encouraged me in my roguery , participating of the cheer , and so feasting me for my pains . if i had stoln any thing , i had my recourse to them , who would give me two pence for what was worth a shilling , and render me good content . i knew my punishment for my rambling , and valued it not ; therefore little hope of reformation from thence . nay , for very small faults i wisht to be whipt , knowing the rod would then be laid on gently ; which carried with it a tickling pleasure . as for my thefts and rogueries abroad , i was careful they should not be discovered . if any boy had injur'd me whose strength exceeded mine , so that i durst not cope with him , i would exercise my revenge upon him privately , concealing the resentment of the injury he did me ; for to grin and not bire , doth but perswade an adversary to knock out those teeth that may prove sometime or other injurious . one common trick i had , was to stick a pin on the board whereon he was to sit : in this manner did i serve several ; in which fact i was at last taken ; the punishment my master inflicted on me , was : to sit by his desk alone , and compose a copy of verses ; there was great likelihood i should perform my task , when i knew not how many feet an hexameter required ; and yet i then read virgil. however some thing i must attempt , and thinking saphicks , and iambicks too difficult , i ventur'd upon heroicks , supposing them the easier composition . but lord into what an excess of laughter did my master fall into , when he perused my hobling strains ; surely said he , these verses are running a race altogether , the first did not start fairly , or else is a very nimble gentleman , for he hath out-run all his fellows four feet ? the second comes two soot short of him , yet too forward for a true pace ; here is another lame in a foot , and 〈◊〉 most scurvily ; here is another whose quanti●… is short , and hath gotten upon stilts to seem long , and one ( in contradiction to him ) which is long , because he will be short hath cut his own legs off : with these and the like speeches did he please himself in his own wit , ( which i understood but little ) and after he had tired himself and me too , with prodigal talk : he then spake to me in a harder dialect , making me understand how ignorant i was , and how much precious time ( irrecoverably ) i had lost , which so much seiz'd on my spirits , that i was much griev'd and troubled , so that he made vermilion tears run down my cheeks , &c. after he had bestowed so much correction as he thought might work in me penitence for my egregious truanting he degraded me , and made me begin anew . the shame whereof , and reproach i daily received from my school-fellows , i could not bear ; wherefore i prevailed on my mothers indulgence , to let me regain what i had lost at home , which she consented to . but perceiving my lecherous inclinations , by my night-practises with her maid , resolved to send me to a boarding school : for our family being but small , i lay with the maid : being so young , my mother did not in the least suspect me ; but my too forward lechery would not let me lie quiet , putting her frequently to the squeak . in sine , i was sent away a great distance to a very severe and rigid master . i no sooner commenced scholar to this tyrant pedagogue , but i was kept close to my book ; and lest my wit should be any ways dull'd , my stomack was always kept sharp ; which quickned my invention , to supply what was deficient . there is no complaint so insufferable as the grumbling of empty and dissatisfied guts . my greatest care was to infinuate my self into the favour of the servant-maids , knowing they lov'd to play at small game rather than stick out . i performed my business so well , that my stomack was alwayes satiated , when the rest of the boarders were dissatisfied ; often going to bed in a manner supperless . here i was depriv'd of my old pilfering way , because i had no convenience for the disposal of what was stole , it being but a very small village . however to keep my hand in use , i daily practised on fruit , sometimes with a spar sharpned at one end , i prickt the apples out of the baskets : at other times i took with me a comrade , and then thus would we do . i would go to a fruiterer and bargain with him for a penny worth or more of apples , receiving them into my hat , pretending to draw my money out , i did clap my hat between my legs , my partner perceiving that ( as we had afore plotted it would be ) behind , snatcht it through my legs and ran away with it , i thereupon did use to roar out as if i had been undone , and pretending to run after him to regain my hat , we got out of sight and then shared the booty . one time coming along the market , i saw a small basket of cherries , i demanded of the woman that sold them , what she would have for as many as i could take up in my hand ; she looking upon it and seeing it was but a very small one , proportionable to my stature , two pence said she ; with that , i laid her down her price , and took up basket and all the cherries therein contain'd , and in a sober pace carried them away . the woman amazed that she should be thus surprized by such a younker , followed me ; and making a great noise , gathered a conflux of people about us , and among the rest a gentleman of quality , who was very earnest to know what the matter was : holding my purchase fast in my hands ( for nothing could perswade me to let go that booty i had so fairly obtained ) i desired the gentleman that he would be judge of my cause , whereupon i related to him in what manner i bargained with the woman , and that i had done nothing unjustly , but what was according to our contract . the gentleman wondring at the pregnancy of wit in so tender an age , laught hear●…ily , and condemn'd the cherries for my proper use , but withal paid the woman for them . i was naturally so prone to please my senses , so that i cared not what course i took that i might obtain my desires . i appli'd my self more to my wit and invention , than i should have done , had i had any thing allowed me from a friend for a moderate expence . but my mother thought otherwise . knowing by infallible symptoms , the extravagantness of my inclinations , and therefore debard me as much she could the very fight of money . a river confined within some made bank , deterring its natural course , will ( when that is overthrown which impeded its progress ) flow with the greater impetuosity : youth may for a while be circumscribed as to its desires ; but if his inclination prompt him to the enjoyment of sensual delights , sooner or later he will raste their relish ; and better early than late . before the noon of his days approach , experience may reform his life and conversation ; though from the dawning morning thereof , till the meridian , his actions have been nothing else but the extract of all manner of debauchery . but ( 't is commonly observed ) : that man which in the declination of age tracks the by-paths of vice and licentiousness , seldome defists till deaths cuts off his passage ; never leaving off doting on such false and immaginary pleasures , till the grim pale-●…ac't messenger takes him napping . thus much by way of digression . our master was very ancient , however resolv'd that his age should not hinder his teaching : for if he found himself indisposed , he would send for us all into his bed chamber , instructing us there : a man of so strange a temper , that he delighted to invert the course of nature ; lying in bed by day , and walking in the night , the rain seldome deterring him . on a time above the rest , a gentleman had sent his son five pieces of gold to give his master for diet , &c. our master receiving them , called for a small cabinet that stood in the room , which i ( more officious than the rest ) brought him . having put in the gold , he commanded me to carry it from whence i had it : which i did ; well considering the weight thereof , being , though small , very heavy . the devil presently became my tutor , suggesting to my thoughts various ways for the gaining this money . at last i resolved to take the impression of the key in wax ; which with much difficulty i obtain'd , and carried it to a smith four miles distant . the old fellow ( immediately upon my proposal ) suspected me ; ( doubtless he was acquainted with such kind of devices ) and questioning me what i intended thereby , i was forced to betake my self to my legs for safety , not knowing what answer to make him . the smith seeing me run , thinking to benefit himself by apprehending me pursued after , with a red hot iron in his hand which his haste had made him forget to lay aside ; one standing by me ( just as the smith had almost overtaken me ) seeing him come running with a hot iron in his hand , and fearing left his blind passion might prompt him to mischief me , struck up his heels , who in the fall gave himself a burnt mark in the hand , which no doubt he had long agoe dese●…'d ; my unknown friend would not suffer him to rise , till i was out of sight . my first stratagem not suiting with my purpose , i try'd a pick-lock of mine own invention : but that would not effect my design neither ; so that i concluded to take cabinet and all , and in order thereunto watcht my opportunity when he should walk abroad according to his custom at night . it was not long ere i enjoyed my wishes . my masters custom was to walk abroad at nights , and sleep in the day time ; inverting the course of nature : soreknowing his intention , i got into the chamber , and conceald my self under the bed. so finding my way clear , i convey'd my self and purchase out of the house ; and travelled all night . in the morning i found my self near a small town , about sixteen miles distant from the place whence i came . thinking my self now secure , i thought it very requisite here to repose my wearied limbs , and solace my self with the sight of what i had gotten : but it was not long after that i was so lac'd for it , that comparatively to my punishment , bridewel whipping is but a pastime . the first bush i came at , i went in and called for sack , having never tasted any , and hearing much talk thereof ; at which the people of the house much admired , that so small an urchin as i should call for such costly liquor . they viewed me very intuitively , but more especially the cabinet , which caused them to suspect me . the master of the house was acquainted herewith , who as the devil would have it was a puritan , and a conestable too too officious and severe . without craving pardon for his bold intrusion , he desired me i would admit him into my boy-ships society . i confess his gray hairs and sowre countenance made me at first sight , very much fear what the event of his visit would prove : however with a seeming undauntedness , i drank to him ( but what a difference of taste there was in that and the first glass i drank solus : at length he began to ask me divers questions , whence i came ? whither i was going ? what was contained within that cascanet ? and the like . before i could give the resolution of what they demanded , the hue and cry overtook me : presently i was laid hold on . and my treasure taken from me : that which vext me as much as my surprizal was , i had no further time to try what kind of taste the sack had . various were the talk of the people , every one spending his verdict on me . this is a prime young rogne indeed to begin thus soon , said one ; could be have seen , when in his mothers belly , surely be would have stoln something thence . another said , forward fruit was soon rotten ; and since i began to steal whilest a child , i should be hanged before i should write man. ready to die with fear , i was sent back to the place whence i came , and from thence to the place of execution , had not the tenderness of my age , and fewness of years , procured pity from my injur'd master . confin'd i was within his house , lockt up close prisonner in a chamber , till that he could acquaint my mother with what had past . in this time i was not debarr'd of my sustenance , though my commons were epitomiz'd , neither was i altogether deprived of society , for i was daily visited by my master , attended with a cat of nine-tails ( as he call'd it ) being so many small cords , with which he fley'd my buttocks ; and when he found me stubborn , or not penitent enough as he thought , after he had skin'd my podex , he would wash it with vinegar , or water and salt . within a week my mother arriv'd , who hearing of my rogueries , was so impatient , that she would needs take me to task her self ; but when she had untrust me , and saw me in so woful a plight , my shirt being as stiff as buckram with blood , and my tender breech plow'd and harrowed , fell down as if she had been about to expire recovering , my master endeavoured to pacifie her , by telling her , that great offences , required great punishments ; and the way to bend and oak , is to do it whilst its young ; i had once when young ( said he ) a spaniel which would find out the hens nest , and breaking the eggs suck them , so that we could never have any chickens , at last discovering who was the malefactour ; i bethougt my self of this punishment which should hinder him from ever doing ●…he like . i got an egg roasted so hard till the shell was ready to burn , then did i first show the egg to the dog , and then clapt it hot into his mouth holding his jaws close , this so tormented him by burning , that ever after he could not indure the sight thereof ; but if shown run away ciying as if he had been beaten . thus for this notorious fact your son must be so sharply chastized , that when he thinks of stealing , he shall remember those torments he once indured for it , and so frighten him from executing any such crime . many more arguments he alleadg'd to that purpose , which had satisfied her well in his severity , had not natural affection interposed . whatto do with me , she knew not ; wherefore she consulted with my master , who told her , he durst not keep me longer , the country people bringing in daily complaints against me . and to aggravate my mother the more , he briefly summ'd up my faults in this manner ; having had justly various accusers , who drew up my indictment , thus. imprimis , that one of his maids having crost me ( to be reveng'd of her , knowing she was a drowsie wench , when asleep , not easily wak't ) as she slept by the fire , i took my opportunity , and melted some glew , and gently toucht the closure of both her eye-lids with a pencil which well i knew would lock up her sight . against the time i intended to wake her , i placed all about her chairs and stools . the plot being ripe , i pretended her mistriss called . the wench starting up and running rubbing of her eyes turn'd ropsie turvy over the chairs , getting up she engag'd her self with the stools , and so entangled her self therein , that endeavouring to free her self , her coats acted the part of traytors , in discovering the hidden secrets and arcanas belonging to her sex : and that with much satisfaction i had seen the execution of my revenge . that this wench could not be perswaded by any means , but that as a judgment she was stricken blind for some sin she had committed privately , which then her conscience did whisper in her ear , and undoubtedly had turn'd lunatick had she not been speedily restored to her sight by taking off the glew , which was done with much difficulty . that he going about to correct me for this unlucky and mischievous fact , was by me shown a very shitten trick , which put him into a stinking condition ; for having made my self laxative , on purpose squirted into his face upon the first lash given . that being upon boys backs , ready to be whipt , i had often bit holes in their ears . that another time firreverencing in a paper , and running to the window with it , which lookt out into the yard ●…oy aged mistress looking up to see who opened the casement , i had lik'd to have thrown it into her mouth ; however for a time deprived her of that little sight she had left . that another time i had watcht some lusty young girles , that used in summer-nights about twelve a clock , to wash themselves in a small brook near adjacent , and that i had concealed my self behind a bush , and when they were stript , took away their cloathes , making them daunce home after me stark naked , to the view of their sweet-hearts , whom i had planted in a place appointed for that purpose , having given them before notice of my design . a great many more such tricks he recounted , which he knew , but not the tenth of what he knew not . as for example , on christmass-day , we had a pot of plumb-broth , i askt the maid to give me a taste , to see how i lik'd them , i that i should , she said , ( this was the maid i had so serv'd before with glew ) and with that , takes up a ladle full , and bid me sup , she holding the ladle in her own hand , i imprudently opening my mouth somwhat larger then i should , she poured down the scalding pottage through my throat : at present i could not tell the jade ( that laught till she held her sides ) how i lik'd them ; but i verity believ'd i had swallowed the gunpowder-plot , expecting every moment to be blown up . i took as little notice of this passage , as possibly i could , resolving to , retalliate her kindness when she least thought on t . i observ'd the maid to carry this plumb pottage-por into the yard , and taking notice that the weight of the jack was in the same yard wound up a great height under a smal pent-house , the jack being down i suddenly removed the weight , and fastened the pot to the line ; so going into the kitching , wound it up to the top , and then stopt it , for the meat was taken up . the house was all in an uproar instantly about the por , every one admiring what should become ofit : the maid averred , that she saw it even now , and none could remove it but the devil . others asserted ( which were infected with puritanism ) that it was a judgment shown for the superstitious observation of that festival day ; but the next day , roasting meat , this seeming miracle vanished by the descending of the pot fastened to the jack-line . another time my master had reserved in his garden some choice aprecocks , not above an half-score ; which he purposed for some friends that intended to visit him shortly : the daily sight of this delicate fruit , being forbidden , tempted me more strongly to attempt their rape ; but i made choice of an impropitious hour to accomplish my design in ; for my master looked out ofhis window and saw me gather them , though he knew not absolutely whether it , was i or no. whereupon ; he instantly summond us together ; being met , i quickly understood his intention : therefore i conveyed the aprecocks into the next boys pocket ; i had no sooner done it , but we were commanded to be searched ; i was very forward to be the first , though i was most suspected , but none was found about me , so that i was acquitted . but to see with what amazement the poor boy gazed , when they were discovered about him , how strangly he looked , distorting his face into several forms , produc'd laughter even from my incens'd master , but real pitty from me ; for he was severely whipped for that crime i my self committed . i could recite many more such like childish rogueries , did i not fear i should be tedious in their relation , and burden the reader with juvenile follies ; therefore i shall return where i left off . whilst my mother was in a serious consultation with her reason , how she should dispose of me . i had not patience to wait the result , but gave her the slip , resolving to run the risk of fortune , and try whither mine own endeavours would supply my necessiries . chap. iv. how he ran from his mother , and what courses he steered in one whole years ramble . it was in july when i undertook this my knight-errantry ; the fairness of the season much favoured my enterprise : thinking i should always enjoy such weather , and never be pincht with necessity , i went on very couragiously . the first dinner i made was on blackberries and nuts , esteemed by me very delicious fare at first , which delighted me so much the more , having not my liberty controul'd . when night approached it seemed very uncouth and strange , finding , instead of a feather-bed , no other thing to lie on but a haycock , and no other coverlid but the canopy of heaven . but considering with my self that i had no task to con over night , nor fear of over sleeping my self next morning , and so be fetcht to school by a guard of my fellow schollars with a lanthorn and candle , though the sun appear'd at that time in his full lustre ; i laid my self down and slept profoundly , not without some affrighting dreams : the last was of the cat of nine tails , which my master laid so home me thought that the smart thereof made me cry out , and so i awaked ; as then the early lark , the winged herald of the morning , had not with her pretty warbling notes , summon'd the bright watchmen of the night to prepare for a retreat ; neither had aurora opened the vermillion oriental gate , to make room for sols radiant beams , to dissipate that gloomy darkness that had muffled up our hemisphere in obscurity . in the morning i went on in my progress as the day before ; then began a shower of tears to fall from my eyes , considering how i had left my disconsolate , and almost heart-broken mother , lamenting my loss , and fearing what fatal courses i might take : it was no less trouble to me to think that i was travelling i knew not whither , moneyless , having nothing but hazel , and brambles to address my self for the appeasing of hungers approaching gripes . now me thought i began to loath my aforenamed manna , blackberries , nuts , crabs , bullies , &c. and longed to taste of the flesh-pots again , but the devil a bit could i get but what the hedges afforded me . all day i thus wandred about , nor daring to come near any town , having had such bad success in the last when i first rambled , and now night came on , which put me in mind of procuring a lodging somwhat warmer than the other . a barn presently offered its self to my sight , which i accosted , and without delay or fear , entered into the inchanted castle , where i found accommodations for the most faithful and valiant knight that ere strode saddle for ladies sake . here might i take my choice of variety of fresh ●…raw , but my weariness would not permit to complement my good fortune one joy &c i so tumbled over head and ears ; i had not iain there above an hour before i heard a noise , and peeping out of the straw , being in a great fear , i saw a many strange creatures come into the barn , for the day was not yet shut in . my thoughts presently reminded me that i had heard talk of hobgoblings , fairies and the like , and judged these no other ; and that which confirmed me in this be●…ief , was their garb and talking to one another in a language i understood not ( but since , i understand it to be canting . ) i lay still as long as my fear would permit me , but they surrounding me , i was not able to contain my self longer , but cryed out aloud , great god , have mercy on me , and let not these devils devour me ; and with that , started out from among them : they amazed as much as i , ran for it too leaving their children behind them , every one esteeming him the happiest man which was the foremost . i looking behind me , seeing them following me , imagined these devils ran upon all four , and having started their game were resolved to hunt a sinful leveret to death : concluding them long-winded hell-hounds , i judgd praying a safer way than flying , and so fell instantly on my knees : the gypsies quickly overtook me , and finding me in that posture , soon understood whence their fear proceeded . they then spoke to me in a langage i understood , bidding me not be afraid ; but i had heard the devil was a lyar from the beginning , therefore i would not believe them . they would have rais'd me from my devotion , telling me it was enough , and that made me suspect them the more ; thinking they designed to get me out of a praying posture , that they might have the more power of me . nothing prevailing with me , they vowed and protested they would nor injure me in the least , and if i would go along with them , i should fare as delitiously as they did , this was a potent argument to perswasion , and so i agreed to go along with them back again . all their cry was now for rum-booze ( i. e. ) good liquor . their captain not induring to hear so sad a complaint , and not endeavour the supplying the want complained of , immediately commanded out four able maunders , ( beggars ) ordring them to stroule ( wander ) to the next town , every one going apart . some countrey-men gave them drink fearing they might fire the houses in the night , out of revenge , others ( out of the more ignorant sort , thought they could command infernal spirits , and so harm them that way , or else bewitch their cattel , and therefore would not deny them : in so much that in a short time these four return'd laden with bub and food . it was presently placed in the middle of us , who sate circularly ; then out came the wooden dishes , every one provided but my self , but i was soon supply'd by a young rum-mort that sate next me intended for my sporting mate . a health went round to the prince of maunders , another to the great duke of clapperdogeons , a third to the marquess of doxy dells , and rum-morts , a fourth , to the earle of clymes ; neither did we forget , haly abbas , albumazar , arcandam , with the rest of the waggoners , that strive who shall be principal in driving charles his waine . most part of the night we spent in boozing , pecking rumly or wapping , that is drinking , eating or whoreing according to those terms they use among themselves jealousie was a thing they never would admit of in their society , and to make appear how little they were tainted therewith , the males and females lay promiscuously together , it being free for any of the fraternity to make choice of what doxie he liked best , changing when he pleased . they plied me so oft with their rum-booz ( as they called it ) and pleased me so well in giving me a young girle to dally with , who ( though in rags , and with a skin artificially discolloured tawny ) yet i was not so ignorant , as not to understand good flesh , and what properties went to the compleating a votaress for venus service . i was so tickled in my fancy with this pretty little wanton companion , that for her sake , i was very well content to list my self one of that ragged regiment . and that which added to the inducing me to this resolution was my want of money , and what i suffered in those two foregoing hard days fare among the nut trees . i first acquainted my doxie with my intent , who glad to hear thereof , gave it vent and broacht it to the rest who unanimously with joy imbraced me ; and to congratulate my inagravation tipt to each other a gage of booz , and so went round . the fumes of drink had now ascended into their brain , wherefore they coutcht a hogs-head , and went to sleep . chap. v. wherein he relates what manner of people they were into whose society he entred himself , division of their tribe , manners , customes , and language . as soon as i had resolv'd to travel the country with them , they fitted me for their company by stripping me , and selling my proper garments , and cloathing me in rags , which they pinn'd about me , giving a stitch here and there , according as necessity required . we used not when we entered our libkin or lodging to pull off our cloths ; which had i been forc'd to do , i could never have put them on again , nor any , but such who were accustomed to produce order out of a bable of rags . being now ale mode de tatterdemallion , to compleat me for their purpose , with green wallnuts they so discoloured my face , that every one that saw me , would have sworn i was the true son of an egyptian . before we march on , let me give you an account of our leaders , and the rancks we were disposed in . our chief commander was called by the name of ruffeler , the next to him upright-man , the rest in order thus : hookers , ( alias ) anglers . priggers of prancers . pallyards . fraters . prigges . swadlars . curtals . irish-toyle . swigmen . jarkemen . patri-coes . kitchin-coes . abram men whip-jacks . counterfeit-cranks . dommerars . glymmerers . bawdy-baskets . autem-morts . doxies . dells . kitchin-morts . we muster'd above threescore old and young , and because we were too great a company to march together , we were divided into three squadrons . the first squadron that led the van , was ordered by our commander , to stick up small boughs all the way they went , that we might know what course theysteer'd . for like wild fowl we flie one after another , and though we are seattered like the quarters of a traitor , yet like water when cut with a sword , we easily came together again . as the switzer hath his wench and his cock with him when he goes to wars : or like a scotch army , where every souldier almost hath the geud wife and the bearns following him : so we had every one his doxie or wench , who carried at her back a lullaby-cheat , and it may be another in her arms. when they are weary of carrying them , they take their turns to put them in a pair of panniers , like green geese going to market , or like fish in dossers comming from rye . where note , that each division hath a small horse or two , or else asses to ease them of their burdens . some of us were clad antickly with bells and other toys , meerly to allure the country people unto us , which most commonly produced their desired effects . in some places they would flock unto us , in great quantities , and then was our time to make our markets . we pretended an acquaintance with the stars ( as having an alliance to the egyptian magi , the founders of astrologick art ) and that the ministers of fate were our familiers , and so possessing these poor ignorant people with a belief , that we could tell their fortunes by inspection into either hands or faces ; whil'st we were seriously looking thereon , one of our diving comrades pickt their pockets , or with a short sharp knife , and a horn on the thumb , nipt their bungs . by asking the silly milk maids questions , we gathered from their own mouths the properest resolutions , then would they admire , and in their admiration tremble to hear the truth proceed from the mouth of such as were strangers to their actions , by which means , among some we gain'd a great respect , accompanied with fear . did not astrologers make use of such stratagems , they could never acquire so much repute among the judicious , as well as vulgar capacities . and because it falls in so par to my present purpose , i shall beg so much patience from the reader , as to give him a brief account of some fallacies some star-gasing impostors use to work their own ends , and delude credulous people . one whereof i knew , who rais'd his credit ( and since a considerable estate ) upon the basis of good intelligence . he kept a servant , who constantly attended below for the reception of such who came for satisfaction in the astrological resolution of questions . this mans office was to tell the querent , that his master was busie above , about some grand concern , but if the person would be pleased in wait a little while , till that business was dispatch'd be questioned not but that his master would render him a satisfactory account of what he demanded ; adding father , ( to infuse into him faith , to credit what he said ) that though report had spoken largly , ( and yet nothing but what this artist hath merited ) yet all came far short of his real desert , having done such stupendious things , that must needs ( without injustice ) be commemoriz'd to eternity , and admired by future ages . in the mean time , this servant endeavoured to pump out of the proponent what he came about , which having understood , he gave information to his master , by so many times ringing a bell. this item being given , the querent is called up , and before ever he can frame his mouth to propound his question , this profound artist prevents him , saying , i know what you come about sir , ( therefore save your , self the labour to tell me that which i know already ) you have lost a watch , a horse ; or you would know how you shall prosper in such a business , whither marriage , or an imployment ; or any such like common question . this makes the artist be wondered at ; and then erecting a scheme , positively and surlily tells him what he must expect . and that he may give answers more exactly concerning stollen goods , he was in constant see with thies-takers , who from time to time , made him a report of what persons were robbed , what the things were , and many times gave him a discription of the fellon . by these practises , men believed every word he delivered to be an oracle ; so that his chamber was daily so thronged with the report of people , that in a short time his ambition pricked him on to purchases , with the money he had gained thus falliciously . one story , very remarkable , i shall add , and then crave your pardon for this my disgression . one day a young gentleman ( but of a mean estate ) came to him , who was more credulous then wise , and more inquisitive then prudent ; and having nor that wealth which his prodigality required , desired instructions what course he was to steer to arrive at the port of his wishes and hopes : viewing him narrowly , he perceived him to be a man of a sweet complexion , and a body well proportioned ; and therefore judged him a fir subject for female fancies to work upon . sir , ( said he ) i shall give you my best advice , but i shall crave your patience for a little while ; for a matter of this weigt , must not precipitately be undertaken ; wherefore if you please to see me to morrow , what lies in me shall be at your service . being just gone , it happened that a stale maid , who had more moneys than beauty , and less discretion than leachery , came to be resolv'd of him , when she should be married : ( for it seems by the sequel she could tarry no longer : ) viewing her well , ( though she knew not him ) he knew her to be wealthy , and nearly related to persons of quality . madam , ( said he ) i shall endeavour your satisfaction ; and so withdrew into his closet . having staid a while , bringing out his figure , and with much gravity looking thereon , he thus unridled the mysterious meaning of the celestial bodies . madam , you never was much troubled with the importunate suits of amorous vi●…tants , ( this he gathered from the deformity of her phosiognomy ) they all knowing your indifferency to change your condition , but upon considerable grounds ; by which means you have almost frustrated what the stars have designed for you . i hope it is but almost , ( said she ) not altogether : for it troubled her very much to hear she should leave the world without tasting the sweets of a married life . no , ( he replyed ) for if to morrow by four of the clock in the afternoon , you go into more-fields , and take a turn or two in the userers-walk ) you shall there meet with a person rich and handsome , that at first sight shall fall extreamly in love with you : slight him not , neither deny him his conjugal proposal if you do , it will be too late to hope for an husband . you shall distinguish him from others by these signs : his complexion is fair , his eye sharp and piercing , his hair flaxen , of a middle stature . her joy had like to have transported her beyond the bounds of modesty , which she could not conceal , but made it appear in a pecuniary expression of her gratitude for such welcome tidings ; and so promising him to follow his counsel , she took her leave . the next morning the young gallant came , who had his lesson given him : but before he went , he made him give him a bond of l. to be paid upon the day of his marriage with that gentlewoman ; which he gladly consented to , and paid that very sum within ten days after , for according to the directions was given him , he met with that gentlewoman describ'd to him , as he had been before to her , who at the first ●…ight of each other , were incapable of containing themselves , but mutually embrac'd ( after three or four words past ) as if he had been her ( quon●…am ) dearly beloved , return'd from some long voyage , and went not to their respective lodgings till thei●… marriage was consummated . but to return where i left off . thus we rambled up and down the country ; and where the people demean'd themselves not civil to us by voluntary contributions , their geese , hens , pigs , or any such mandible thing we met with , made us satisfaction for their hide-bound injuries . our revenge most commonly was very bloody , and so merciless , that what ever fell into our hands , never escap'd alive , and in our murders so cruel , that nothing would satisfie us but the very hearts-blood of what we kill'd . the usual sacrifices of our implacable revenge , were innocent lambs , sheep , calves , &c. all which we handled more severely than prisoners are by serjeants when they are not paid their unjust demands ; fees , i should have said , but that by experience i have found , they walk not according to the rules of ancient constitutions , but are guided by the dictates of their insatiate wills , which is their law , which poor prisoners must indulge , ( though they rack their slender credits , or pawn their cloaths ) or else they must expect less kindness from them , then a condemned person about to be tyed up by the hangman , who will stay till he is ready to be turn'd off . a goose coming among us , we have a trick to make him so wise , as never to be goose again : but let the wisest use what tricks they can , they ne'er shall make some serjeants honest men . we seize the prey , and leave the tragical part to our morts or women to act : the stage on which they perform their parts , is either some large heatb , or f●…rz-bush-gommon , far from any house . this being done , and night approaching , we repair to our dormitories , or houses of rest , which are most usually out-barns of farmers and husbandmen , which we make choice of insome poor stragling village , who dare not deny us , for fear ere the morning they find their tatcht houses too hot to hold them . these barns serve us instead of cook rooms , supping parlours , and bed-chambers : having supt , ( most commonly in a plentiful manner ) we cannot couch at ho●…shead , that is to say , sleep , without good store of rum-booze , that is , drink ; and haying sufficiently warm'd our brains with humming liquor , which our lower ( silver ) shall procure ; if our deceitful mounding ( begging ) cannot , we then sing a catch or two in our own language , of which we had good store ; which for their bawdry i omit : however , give me leave to instance one canting song , and i shall wave the rest , being loath to tire you too much with one thing . bing out bien morts , and toure , and toure , bing out bien morts , and toure ; for all your duds are bing'd a wast the bien cove hath the loure . i met a dell , i view'd her well , she was benship to my watch ; so she and i did stall , and cloy , whatever we could catch . this doxie dell can cut bien whids , and wap fell for a win ; and prig and cloy so benshiply , all the deusea-vile within . the boyle was up , we had good luck , in frost for and in snow : when they did seek , then did we creep , and plant in ruff-mans low . to strawling ken the mort bings then , to fetch loure for her cheats ; dude & ruffe-peck , rombold by harman-beck , and won by maunders feats . ye maunders all , stow what you s●…all , to rome coves what so quire , and wapping dell , that niggles well , and takes loure for her hire . and jybe well jerkt , teckrome confect . for back by glymmar to ma●…nd ; to mill each ken , let cove bing then , through ruff-mans , jague , or laund , till cramprings quire tip cove his hire ▪ and quier ken dothem carch , a canniken , mill quire cuffen , so quier to ben coves watch . bien darkmans then , bouse mort and ken , the bien coves bings awast , on chates to trine by rome-coves dine , for bis long lib at last . bing'd out bien moris and toure , and toure , bing out of the rome vile bine , and toure the cove that cloyd your duds , upon the chates to trine . having even wearied our selves with drinking and singing , we tumbl'd promiscuously together , male and female in straw , not confining our selves to one constant consort , we made use of the first that came to hand ; by which means incests and adulteries become our pastimes . by this means i grew weary of their practices , and therefore resolved to desert them as soon as the first opportunity should offer it self , which was in a short time ; wherefore at the present i shall say no more of them , only give me leave to give some small account of their language . the first inventor of canting , as i am inform'd , was hang'd about fourscore years since : such gibberish was never heard of before ; since which time , there hath not been wanting such , who have taken pains in the pollishing , refining , and augmenting that language of the devils imps. it is a confused invention of words ; for its dialect i cannot find to be grounded on any certain rules ; and no wonder , since the founders and practicers thereof , are the chief fathers and nourishers of disorder . yet even out of that irregularity a man may observe some kind of form , and some words do retain somthing of scholarship , as togeman a gown , from toga ; pannam , from panis , bread ; cosan , caseus , cheese . the monosyllable cheat ; we use as a relative , as nab , a head ; nab-cheat , a hat , &c. cove or cuffin is in general terms a man ; but by adding bieu , which signifies good , or well , or quire , which is wicked or knavish ; you make the word cove signifie an honest man , or a justice of peace . pardon the expression , for they call a justice quier-cussin ; that is to say , as before-mentioned , a wicked , knavish , or foolishman . to conclude , i shall here insert this little canting vocabulary alphabetically . autem mors a married woman abram naked abram cove a tatter demallion autem a church bughar a cur bouse drink bousing ken an ale-house borde a shilling boung a purse bien good or well benshiply very well benar better bing to go bing a waste to go away bube the pox bufe a dog bleating cheat a sheep belly cheat an apron betty an instrument to break a door bite the reter or roger steal the portmantle or cloak-bagg - budge one that steals cloaks bulk and file the pick pocket and his mate cokir a lyar cove cuffin a man cuffin-quire a justice of peace cramprings bolt or shackles chats the gallows canke dumb crackmans hedges calle togeman joseph a cloak couch to lye or sleep couch a hogshead to go to sleep commission mish a shirt cackling cheat a chicken cassan cheese crash to kill crashing cheats teeth cloy to steal cut to speak cut bien whids to speak well cut quire whids to speak evilly confeck counterseit cannakin the plague cly the jerk to be whipt clapper dogeo●… a begger born culle a sap-headed fellow dimber pretty damber rascal drawers stockings duds goods densea-vile the country dommerar a mad-man darkmans night or evenin doxie dell a wench dock wap to deuswins two pence dup to enter earnest a part as tip me my earnest give me my part or share frummagem choakt filch a staff ferme a hole fambles hands fambles cheats rings or gloves fib to beat flag a groat fogus tobacco or smoke fencing cu●…y one that receives stollen goods glymmer fire glaziers eyos grannam corn gentry-more a gallant wench gan a lip gage a pot or pipe grunting cheat a sucking pig giger a door gybe any writing or pass glazyer one that goes in at the windows gilt a pick-lock harmanbeck a constable harmans the stocks heave a booth to rob an house half bord six pence hearts ease a twenty shillings piece jocky a flayl , or mans privities jague a ditch ja●…ke a seal ken an house kinchin little knapper of knappers a sheep-stealer kinchin cove a little man kate a pick-lock loure money lightmans morning or day lib to tumble libben an house to lie in lage water libedge a bed lullabic - 〈◊〉 a childe lap pottage lurries all manner of cloaths maunder to beg maunders beggers margery prater an hen mill to steal make an half-peny mynt gold muff●…ing cheat a napkin mumpers gentile beggars milken one that breaks houses mynns the face nab an head nal - 〈◊〉 an hat nap to take or cheat palliard one whose father is a beggar born paplar milk-pottage prats thighs prigg to ride peckidge meat plannam bread plant to lay or hide prigging riding prancer an horse prating-cheat a tongue peake any lace pike on the leen run as fast as you can perry fearful peter a portmantua prigger of prancers an horse-stealer pad the highway-man plant your whids have a care what you say quarron a body quacking cheat a duck quier wicked or roguish quier-ken a prison quier-mort a pocky jade quier-cove a rogue romboyle a ward or watch rome gallant rome-vile london rome-mort a gallant girl ruffin the devil roger a cloak-bagg ridge-cully a goldsmith ruffter an over-grown rogue ruffe pock bacon red-fhanke a mallard rom-pad the high-way rome-padders high-way-men rome-culle a rich coxcomb swagg a shop snudge one that lies under the bed to rob the house shop-lift one that steals out of shops stampers the shooes stock-drawers stockings stamps legs scoure to wear skew a dish slate a sheet strommel straw or hair skepper a barn stew your whids be wary stalling-ken a brokers house , or an house to receive stollen goods . smelling cheat a garden solomon the mass tour to look out tout his muns look in his face track up the dancers go up the stayres the cul snylches the man eyes you tip the cole to adam tyler give what money you pocket-pickt to the next party , presently tip the mish give the shirt tib o' th' buttery a goose tip to give the mort tipt me a wink the whore gave me a wink trine tyburn trining hanging tick-rome a license tres wins three pence win a penny wicher cully a silver-smith yarum milk thus much for a taste : i think it not worth my pains to insert all those canting words which are used ; it is enough that i have here divulged what words are most in use . having now deserted this tawny crew , i resolved to betake my self to a new trade ; which you shall understand in this following discourse . chap. vi. how he went a begging . what rules he observ'd therein . what villanies he committed whilst he profest that mysterious art. necessity is a thing better known by the effects , than its character ; and of all things the most insufferable : to prevent which , it puts a man on to venture upon all manner of dishonest and dangerous actions , suggesting strange imaginations , and desperate resolutions , solliciting things infamous , and attempting things impossible ; the product of which is onely disorder , confusion , shame , and in the end ruine . but when necessity shall conjoyn with an evil disposition , a deprav'd nature , what horrid and nefarious facts will it not instigate that man to perpetrate ? and though he seeth monthly examples of persons condemned and executed for the like crimes he daily practiseth , will not forbear nor desist from such irregular and life-destroying courses , till they have brought him to the like miserable catastrophe . necessity had now deeply faln in love with me ; and the young virgin shamefac'dness ( once my mistress ) had forsaken me ; for as soon as i had pull'd but one thread out of her garment , all the rest unravell'd ; and she not brooking her nakedness , changed her master , and so totally left me . having now obtained more than a convenient boldness i travelled , and begg'd with very good success . but me thought my life was somewhat uncomsortable without a companion , ( all creatures coveting society , but more especially man : ) at length according to my desires i met with one , whose long practice in this art , besides the observations of his predecessours , deriving his pedegree in a direct line from prince prigg ) indu'd him with so much skill as to furnish me with the knowledge of any thing that belonged to the liberal art of begging . we streight betook our selves to the boozing-ken ; and having bubb'd rumly , we concluded an everlasting friendship . than did he recount to me the most material things observable i●… our profession . first , he tun'd my voice to that pitch which might most of all raise compassion ; next what form of prayer i was to use upon such an accasion , what upon such , varying according to the humour of those persons that i begged of , gathered from their habit or gesture ; then he told me when we came to london , he would acquaint me what places were most fit for our purpose , & what times . that i ought not to be too importunate to some , always wishing well , and loudly praying for the health and safety of estate and limbs of such as deny'd me alms ; but more especially pronounce a god bless you master , and let heaven reward what you have here done on earth , if any thing is bestowed upon me . if any should pity my nakedness , and cloath me in garments without holes in them , i should wear them no longer than in the doners fight , reserving my rags to re-invest my self , and sell the other , as unfit and scandalous to our occupation . that we should never beg far front one another , and at nights faithfully share the gains . moreover , he inform'd me the way to make all sorts of seeming sores and lameness . that within the tatter'd rags , there be places provided for private conveyance . some of maturer age , if they have no children , rent them of such as have : but we had no occasion for this fallacy . that if i saw a door open , i should go in boldly ; if i met any in the way , i should then in a very submissive manner implore their help in the relieving my want , never desiring any thing but what was of small value , one half-penny , farthing , or some broken crust , ( if at a door ) pretending the not eating of a bit in two days . if the passage was clear , whip away what was nearest to hand . that the time of rising in the morning be very early , shewing my self in the street : for then will those that pass by , judge i have no other lodging but what a stall affords , that way procuring relief from pitiful-minded persons , and so continue beging till the evening ; when it beginneth to be duskish , if any then walks singly , accost him in a begging form ; coming up so close , as that you may knock him down with a truncheon , still carried about for that purpose ; which is done securely , and many times with a good booty . being full fraught with these , and many more precepts he delivered , we set forth on our progress . we had not gone far , before we were surprized by the constable , as two sturdy vagrants , and as handsail to my new trade , we were both soundly whipt out of town . to avoid this danger for the time to come , we mist all the towns of any considerable note in our way , and onely frequented villages ; nay at last we were forc'd not onely to avoid them but the high-ways too : for travellers observing our garb , countenances , and weapons , which was a battoon , suspecting us , would before they came near us , set spurs to their horses and ride as if the devil drove them . many petty rogueries we performed by the way , not worthy the commemoration , and therefore i shall pass them over ; onely this i shall insert . traveling the field-way , we stumbled on a tinker and his trull lying by an hedge-side , i knew not what to thinke at first they lay so still , with rouch pulling and stirring then they awakened ; i askt them what they lay there for ? they answered me , that they were lately bitten by a serpent near adjacent , a potent creature , mighty in strength , and of a vast proportion , who had lately stung severall as well as they . it seemd very strange to us , especially having heard not the least report hereof . to be short , i desir'd them to shew us the place of his residence , which they readily consented ●…o . instead of this venomous animal , they only brought us to its representation in a sign , where a cup of double-brew'd beer was sold , notable huming geer . the people lik'd the tinker and his female comerade well enough , but would not admit of us , till we she shew'd them money : for our vestments look'd like the gleanings of a rag-merchants yard . we drank stifly till we laid the woman asleep again : still the tinker bore up stiffly , she had not slept long , but up she started , pull'd up her coats , and in our presence piss'd in the middle of the room and so sate her self down , yet awaked not : which action could not but produce much laughter from me and my comrade . at last the tinker fell asleep too , having added so much to his former burden that he was no longer able to stand under it . now had my wits enough to work on : but finding my self very drowsie , for the strength of the drink had almost over-powred me , i was forc'd to advise with my friend what course i were best take to make me a little more sober : he was so well known in such matters , ( being an old experienced pitcher-man ) that he quickly counselled me what to do , he himself being not in the least disturb'd . this was his advice which he did put in practice , he got a pail full of water , and so taking me up by the heels , he clapt my head thereinto ; holding me in that manner so long , that the pail had like to have prov'd the terry-beat that should wast me over the stygian lake ; this so qualify'd the heat my head had contracted by my excessive drinking of that strong stupifying liquor , that i found it had wrought its desired effects . after this , we ransackt their pockets , but found little in the mans ; but searching the woman in a private place between her pocket and placket , we there discovered something considerable . having so done , we thought it high time to be gone , but first we resolv'd to make some sport for their moneys , which was thus : i tied to each of their girdles behid a flaggon-pot , and to each a label affixt , or a paper of verses , and so immediately tript off . the host seeing us go out of doors with more than ordinary speed , ran into the room where the tinker and his lady were : he suddenly awaked them , telling them we were gone . hearing this , they hastily started up , and reeling ran to overtake us : the master of the house seeing his pots dangling at their breech , ran after the tinker , crying , stop 'em , stop'cm , stop the thievish tinker , stop the whore with my pot. we were wiser than so to stay to hear how the tinker and his trull came off , or to hear the laughter that we undoubtedly raised by this waggish contrivance , but directed our course for london directly , where we arrived soon enough , nay too soon for some . this out-cry soon alarm'd the ears of his neighbours , who with the host seizing on them , and carrying them back , gave us an opportunity for our escape . the lines that were about the tinkers pot , were these to my best remembrance . serpents but sting , or onely bite so deep to numb the sence , so lay men fast asleep . wit acts far greater things . i 'll say no more : y 'ave payd for sleeping , sir next clear the score . those that were fastned to the womans pot , were these : 't was not the serpent , but strong beer that stung : the vent being stopt , the drink wrought through the bung. i had like to had forgot to give you an account of a merry passage that hapned upon the road we travelled on ; beating the hoof we overtook a cart , but in the name of rabbi abraham , what think you was in it ? in troth even a squadron of the tatterdemallion regiment ; some pretendedly blind , others their leggs tied up in a string . a third sort having a dead palsy over all one side . a fourth so lame as is he never had been strung with sinews . we fell into discourse , asking them whither they were bound thus carted ? they answered us : every one for his own country , we have been already jib'd ( said one ) that is jerkt at the whipping-post , and now enjoy the benefit of a pass . the surly rogue the carter observing our familiar talk made a stand , speaking to us after this manner . why how now gentlemen , how dropt you out of the carts arse ? what , you go on foot and your brethren rid ? it shall not be ; ease your legs , come i 'le lend you an hand . i was about to reply when a fellow came along who knew this carter , and askt him what he would do , or whither he was going with them criples . introth said he , to tell you the truth , i am going to killum ( a town it seems on the borders of oxford-shire . ) hearing this , i knew not what to think on 't but consulted with the aspect of the carred crew . their faces discovered nothing but sence of danger , so that now i perceiv'd their thoughts were soly imployed about their escape , which they did soon put in execution . for sorth with the strings were cut that tied up their legs , who silently slid out of the cart one after another for fear of discovery , the blind could see their way down too , the paralitick could run as swift as a stag ; the fellow drove on still , not misling his company presently , at last looking about he saw one running this way , another that way a third contrary to either , a fourth was hiding himself in a bush , thus they were all disperst : d' ee here , d' ee here , cry'd the carter , restore the leggs and eyes you borrowed , and then run to the devil if you can . i heard one of them distinctly answer him , i le see you hang'd first , you murdering rogue e're i will come near you ; dont you remember that you said even now that you were going to killum . could you but imagine the various postures their causless fear put them in you would be a great sharer with me in laughter , i could not retaine my self from ; this story put me in , mind of the like mistake whose effects proved more fatall in the time of the intestine wars in ireland : a trooper met with a sculogue or country-fellow , and demanding of him whence he came , he answered from killwanium : whither art a going ? ●…o kill more sayd he : these are two towns ) with that the soldier sware he should not kill more , and so pistol'd him . chap. vii . coming to london , he enters himself into the society of beggars , distinguished by these titles , ben-feakers , dommerars , clapperdogeons , &c. with a short description of their manners and customes ; as also a relation of a piece of theft he commited . coming up to london , we strait way betook our selves to newington-butts ; but by the way , my friend could not forbear calling on his friends in kent-street , there they gave me a nick-name ; and my comrade immediately fell to work , to put himself into an equipage fit for the employment we had undertaken . he needed not to alter his habit ; but his chief aime was to make counterfeit sores o●… clymes , according to the term of art that is given them . with the assistance of some of the fraternity , he had in an hours time , such a leg , that i could hardly look upon it without even dropping down ; and thus they made it : they took un●…aked lime and sope , mingled with the rust of old iron ; these being well temper'd together , they did spred it thick on two pieces of leather , which they apply'd to his leg , binding it thereunto very hard , which in a short time did fret off the skin , the flesh appearing all raw ; then did they take blood and rub'd it all over his leg ; which being fully dried , made the leg appear all black , the sore they did only let peep out of the holes of five or six matterish clouts . he soon got us a doxie too , with a couple of children , ( the fitter for our purpose ) the one to carry in her arms , and the other to lead . providing himself and me a good lusty filch or stick , with a hole at the end there of , to put in a hook if occasion should serve , to filch any thing off hedges , &c. a way we went into moor-fields : he would have made me a clyme too , or an artificial sore ; but my stomack would no wayes accept of his kindness . coming into the fields , he planted me in a convenient place , the doxie with her lullaby-cheats in another , and himself in a third , not far distant from one another , that one might catch the others maunding at the rebound . i observ'd my friend and rogue diligently , what he did , for my own information . one would have sworn he had been absolute lame , for ( about to lie down ) he slid to the earth by his staff ; being on the ground , the first thing i took notice of ; was the pitious distorting of his face into various forms , to stir up compassion in such as passed by him ; to which he added , a most doleful noise to this effect ; for gods sake , some tender bearted christian , cast through your merciful eyes one pittiful look upon a sore , lame , and miserable wretch : bestow one penny or half-penny upon him that is ready to perish , &c. i knew not how to tune my voice , for hearkning to him ; which he observing ( when all the people were passed by ) he held up his stick at me , a strong argument of his great displeasure , which lest i might further incur , i was forced to tone it out to some purpose . night approaching , we left off begging , resolving to recreate our selves with what we had got : in the way home , i saw a very fine piece of beeslying on a butchers-stall , the woman that kept the shop , was telling a gossips tale to her neighbour so intentively , as i thought i might seize on my prey , and she never the wiser ; with that i boldly snatched it up ; which an opposite neighbour perceiving , ran after me , and soon took me . i was brought back before the woman , who was so wise ( forsooth ) that she would not receive stollen goods , though they were her own ; and so inraged she was , that nothing would serve her turn , but i must go before a justice ; and to add to my punishment , she made me carry the stollen beef openly . coming before his worship , my accusation was read , aggravated by many feigned circumstances . the pittisul and sad casts of my eyes , were all the rhetorick i used in my own vindication ; which the merciful justice perceiving , they were so prevalent , as to gain some favour from him ; whereupon he ask'd the woman what she valued her beefat ? why , ( said she ) i would not have abated a penny of five shillings . take heed what you say , good woman , ( said he ) for should you swear this , it is enough to hang him . o lord , sir , ( said she ) i would not hang him for a world ; than said his worship , you must prize it under thirteen pence half-penny ; whereupon the butchers wife was content to value it at eight pence . the price being set , the beef was convoyed into the justices kitchin , i sent to prison , and the woman put to her oath ; having sworn , my mittimus was made , and therewith sent to prison . the woman now thought she should have her beef surely , and without any danger in the reception , and therefore demanded it ; but the justice told her he would buy it of her , and so asked her what she would have for it : sir , ( said she ) five shillings ; i cannot afford it one farthing under . how , how ! ( said he ) did you not swear but even now , it was worth but eight pence , and do you now talk of five shillings ? a mear cheat , extortioner , &c. make her mittimus , ( speaking to his clerk ) which so terrified the woman , that she cried out most pitteously ; good your worship , do not send me to prison , and do with me what you please . the justice at this , lookt stedfastly upon her ( who was not so old but that he could discern a handsome woman when he saw her ) and indeed generally your butchers hare jolly handsome wives ; otherwise they may be ashamed to serve seven years in handling and choosing good flesh for others , and at last know not how to make choice of a fine young plump juicie bit for themselves . i say , the justice looking upon her , smiled , yet seemed to reprove her sharply , and at last pretended he had somthing to tell her he would not have every one hear , carried her into a withdrawing room , where they staid not long but out she came and declared openly that she would never desire more justice done her , than that good and just justice ( as she called him ) had shown her . and as i understood afterwards , he did her so much right , that she sent him in an half dozen of bottles of canary , and supt with him on her own flesh ; i in the mean time wished them both choaked in the eating thereof ; for never did roman catholick endure greater and severer pennance for eating flesh on good-friday ; than i for coveting this ; i have lov'd a capon the better for it ever since . for i was no sooner gotten out into the street , but i had a hundred people about me , crying which is the young rogue ? this , this is he , said the butcher , pretending to lay his hand upon my shoulder , but gave me a terrible nip by the ear , which made me roar out so loud and so suddenly unexpected , that my gentleman-usher that was leading me by the arm to the white lyon , starting , let go his hold . there was no dallying with so fair an opportunity , fear and love of sweet liberty so wing'd my feet , that running instantly hereupon , i was gotten presently a great way before them . the harmanbeck , huntsman or constable seeing this , unable to run himself by reason of that great load of flesh he constantly carried about him , set a pack of young yelping cours to track the scent , but they were soon all at a loss , and so i escapt their clutches . chap. viii . whilst a beggar what cunning tricks he invented to steal undiscovered , and how at last served , being caught ipso facto . the next day i went into lincolns-inn-fields , where i saw a company of rogues , cheats , pick-pockets , &c. playingat pidgeon-holes ( a game much practised there , and in more-fields , by such mischievious and lazie rascals ) growing very hungry , i singled out two or three of the fittest for my purpose in assisting or contriving roguery ; a little rising grass-plat was our councel-table , where we consulted what stratagems would best take and were least known . come gentlemen ( said i ) for the liberal science or ancient profession they studied was enough to gentelize them ) what money have yee ? sine cerere & baccho friget ingenium , we must have good liquor that shall warm our bloods , enliven and unthaw our congealed spirits , and make our inventions and fancies as nimble as lightning . faith said one , i have but three pence ; yet that you may see how well quallified i am for your company , i 'le have money for you presently . he was not gone much above an half hour , but merrily he came to us ; sitting down he desired me to put my hand down his neck between his wascoat and shirt , which accordingly i did , but admired to groap out there rashers of bacon , which i produced to the company . very importunate i was with him to know what it meant , and how they came there : give me attention ( said he ) and i will unravel this riddle thus . walking along the streets leisurely , strictly eying any thing on which i might seize securely and advantageously : at length i saw a good pittiful old woman ( for so she seem'd to me by her countenance ) selling bacon , who i observ'd did put what money she took into a pocket made in her apron . upon this sight , fancy me thought suggested to me that her money was already as surely mine as if i had already confin'd it close prisoner in-my leathern dungeon . and thus i wrought my design . good woman said i , speaking in a whining tone , ) how do you sell your bacon a pound ? seven pence ( said she , ) whereupon i began a lamentable oration , telling her that i would willingly have half a pound but that i had but three pence : that my master was a very cruel man , half starving his servants ; come give me your money sirrah , she said , for once you shall have it so ; weighing it , i desired her to cut it into slices and thrust it down my back ; she asked my reason for it . i told her that my master usually searcht me , and should he find any such thing in my pockets , he would half murther me . alas poor boy ( quoth the good old woman ) lean down thy head towards me , surely i will do thee that small kindness : whilst she was larding my back , i got my hands underneath her apron , and with this short knife nipt off the bottom of her pocket , and thus have i done my part to procure ye both food and money . as i lookt on this as base ingratitude , so i could not but tacitly within my self , both condemn and abhorr such society , remembring the words of juvenal . ingratos ante omnia pone sodales . of all persons we should shun most the ingrateful . neither could i forbear ( though i was joyful of the purchase ) to read him a publick lecture on his ingratitude ; what ( said i ) shall we find gratitude in beasts ( as in the lyon that was healed by andronicus in the wood , which afterwards saved his life in the theater ) and yet shall we be unthankful ! i have read a story of an asp that was kept and nourished by an husbandman at his own table , feeding him there dayly ; at last she brought forth two young ones , one whereof poisoned the husbandmans son , the old one ( as my author tells me ) in the fight of the father killed the offender , & as if ashamed of his ingratitude , departed the house with the other and was not seen after . i would have proceeded , but that they told me if i did , they would have no men of morrals in their company , and so away we went to beggars-hall , hard by where we call'd lustily . fearing we should spend all the money , i des●…ed the company that some small portion might be left in●…ny hands as a stock to trade on , which they consented to . having feasted ourselves well , before we departed the next days meeting was appointed , when and where . against the time i had made a quantity of serpents , crackers , &c. and brought them with me . when first i show'd horn , they all fell out a laughing to think i could improve our stock by such devices . have but the patience to hear me ( said i ) and then condemn me if you see cause ; ever since i parted from you i have been racking my invention to find out some way whereby i might render my self both deserving of , and acceptable to your company , and i think this my first discovery will do it ; i would have you jack , tom and will , take an equal quantity of crackers and serpents , and anon at night let us go into the market , where each of you shall observe each of us ; where ever we make a stand be sure you throw a serpent , &c. at that very place ; and then will we take the oportunity of the peoples confusion and fright , and so march off with what we can lay hands on . this plot was very well liked of by all . the eyening approaching ( it being near november ) we went to put what i had contrived in execution . the first that was thrown was where i stood , which sell into the basket on which a market woman sate , the woman starting up to extinguish it , suddenly it bounced in her face , the sinoak whereof and powder , for a little time so blinded her , that she could not see me walk off with a shoulder of mutton , my comrades had the like success with a pig and a goose. having done enough as we thought for that time , we went to a place of our acquaintance where we had the mutton , pig , and goose roasted , giving the landlord the pig for dressing , bread , and drink . we were so successful for the first , that we made several tryals afterwards not ineffectual . but in fine , i found the proverb verified , the pitcher goes not se often to the well , but that it comes home crackt at last . one time i went , and having ordered them to do as they had done before , a serpent came flying on the womans stall where i stood , and fell into her lap , which being brusht off , sell underneath her coats , and there burst , in the mean while i had gotten a loyn of veal and was trooping off with it ; the woman missing it suspected me by my great haste , followed me and laying hands on me found her meat under my coat . o have i caught you mr thier. mistake not good woman ( said i ) it is no such matter . for as i stood by your stall , the wild-fire which some unhappy knaves threw , so scared me , that having your meat in my hand at that time cheapning it , i was so frighted that i ran away with your veal to shun the danger , forgetting to lay it down , wherefore pray take it again . taking her meat , here is a pure excuse indeed ( said she ) but this shall not serve your turn , and with that , gave me two or three such blows on my chops , that i verily thought she had made me swallow half my teeth . another that had heard our discourse , takes me to task after this . come sirrah , you love the flesh well , but t is fit you should pay for it . and it is but just if you will have my flesh , i should have some of yours . up straight he snatcht his knife , and holding me by the ear i verily thought he would have markt me as he used to do his calves . my crying and praying so far prevailed , that he onely kickt me to his next neighbour , and so from one to another , so that though it cannot be said i ran the gantlet , yet between the pannyers on both sides i was kickt the gantler from the standard in cheapside to the conduit at the lower end thereof : this unhappy adventure made me betake my self to my old course of begging , resolving as yet not to deal in that trade i had little experience in . chap. ix . a merchant seeing him begging , took a fancy to him , conducts him to his house , and entertains him as his servant . one day as i was begging , more servently than formerly , having gotten not one penny that day , so that i found a civil war between my guts and stomack , yet knew not how to salve up the difference ; neither would they hearken to any thing but a bill of fare . in the midst of this combustion , a tradesman of no mean quality , passing by , took a strong fancy to me , being extraordinarily pleased with the form of my face and body . he asked me , whence i came ? what my parents were ? and what i intended ? i answered him with well contriv'd forgeries , that seemed to give him good satisfaction : liking well both my speech and understanding , he bid me follow him , which accordingly i did ; having conducted me to his house , he presented me to his wife , my intended mistriss , telling her his resolutions of receiving me into his service ; at which she blest her self , saying , prithee , sweet-heart , from what dunghil didst thou pick up this snakerag , this squire of the body ? this thing drest up in sippits ? this scare-crow , what shall i call him ? ( for i am sure i had but few cloaths on , but what were rather fit to dung ground , than to be sent to the paper-mill . ) said my master , rest your self satisfied , since it is my pleasure , this shall be so : neither can i give you any reason for my fancy . whereupon he commanded me to be stript , and well washed , in the mean time cloaths were provided for me , a suit of one of his apprentices . a great vessel like cornelius his tub , was filled with water to bath me , but so cunningly set by the maids , ( though privately ) that they might see me all over naked . it was my good fortune to observe my mistress standing in a private place on purpose to see me dismantled ; and after i was washed , she commended the whiteness of my skin and well proportioned limbs ; and by the consequent , approv'd all within her self , for i was then a stubbed lad. being new clothed , and raised to this unexpected fortune , how strangely did this vain blast puff up my empty pate ! however , i was resolved to carry my self discreetly , lest i should overthrow the state i was then in , not yet well setled . wherefore i behaved my self very respectfully towards my master , and served him as punctually as i could , endeavouring that my service should require his kindness in as great measure as my abilities could perform . my endeavour was not only to please my master , but my mistress too , even in the meanest services ; so officious to her , that i was ready to perform the office of a chamber-maid . the maid-servants i obliged also , by doing their duty , as making the fires , washing the kitching , nimbly and willingly doing any thing they would have me ; which so ingratiated my self among them , that i always had their good estimation among themselves , and good word to my master and mistress when occasion served . very careful i was , not to report what i heard , lest i by that means i involv'd my self in the affairs of others , without advantage to my self . for by meddling in others matters , i should breed animosity among them , and reap just hatred to my self when discovered to be the too too busie intelligencer . this i looked on as an undeniable maxime . that nothing more recommends a man , than a silent tongue , ( unless necessity required the contrary ) a fair complacential carriage ; and a faithful heart . my master in a humour would sometimes find fault with me , but then it was my chiefest care not to reply , knowing , that what should be all eadged as my just vindication , would but aggravate his spirits being passionare , alwayes punctually performing what was commanded me . to try my fidelity , he would lay a six pence on the counter , or in the window , as if it had been left there forgotten . i was wiser than to be caught so , and therefore would instantly carry him the money . one time sending me out to buy something , instead of a shilling he gave me among other money a piece of gold ; i took no notice of it than , but being gone a little way , i came running back out of breath to restore him the piece ; this and the like made my master stand amazed at my seeming honesty . a strange alteration you will say ; but all this was onely to get a good esteem , whereby i might gain fast footing . what though i underwent a great deal of pains , and had my patience tried to the heighth ? yet i gain'd much in the end , had god given me grace rightly to use it , and the baseness of my nature not perswaded me to abuse it . so much credit i had gotten with my master , by my civil behaviour , that he raised me gradatim , step by step . being ignorant of arithmetick , he caused a master to come to his house to instruct me , which i soon apprehended , and by that means capacitated to keep his accompts , which was the thing i aim'd at , intending thereby the prosecution of mine own ends , notwithstanding my pretended fidelity , and his real kindness to me undeserv'd : which puts me in mind of the conclusion of an epitaph i have read on a tomb , which the master erected for the perpetual commemoration of his servants cordial respect and honesty . view oft this tomb-stone , since we seldome find , a servants faithful , and his master kind . now to the intent i might compleat my conquest of his heart , i pretended my self an independent , not omitting any opportunity of going to their meetings ; and upon all occasions would rail against steeple-houses ( as we called them ) and tear the bishops holland sleeves to pieces , calling them the impure rags of the babylonish whores smock , &c. i would pray mornings and evenings so loud , so late , and so early , that my neighbours could hardly sleep for me , much less those of our own family : notwithstanding all this piety not a day past wherein i cheated not my master . thus did i delude his eyes with pretended sanctity , yet concluded with the poet , damihifallere , dajustum sanctunque videri , noctem peccatis & fraudibus objice nubem . let me seem just ; to cheat the better shrow'd , let my dec●…its be hidden in a cloud . how much did i silly fool deceive my self , thinking my self secure , because no mortal eye saw me . be not thus cheated as i was , for assure your self there is no darkness so thick and obscure , which the all-over-seeing and eternal piercing eye cannot penetrate — cermit deus omnia vindex . a passage remarkable in erasmus i read to this purpose concerning a young gentleman , whom a wanton lady tempted , who used this expression as his last and best refuge . art not thou ashamed to do that in the sight of thy maker , and the holy angels , which thou art ashamed to do in the sight of men . we are afraid of disgrace with men , not caring for the grace of god. chap. x. how he came acquainted with lewd and vicious apprentices . what trade they drove together . what places and times of meeting . i was as officious at home , as reserv'd from all company , never stirring forth unless call'd by my masters business , till my next neighbors man intruded himself into my acquaintance . who so farr insinuated himself into my affections , that i was in a manner wholy ruled by him . he and i met on a time abroad , and would not be deny'd but he must needs fasten a glass of wine , conducting me to a tavern where the drawer ( as he said ) was his friend . after several congratulations past , order was given for a pint of canary : being gone to draw it , this young man began to tell me what an honest fellow this ralph the drawer was ; which words he had no sooner utter'd , but i heard him cry at the bar , a pint of white wine in the rose , score ; and immediately in he brings it , and in formality a glass but we made no use of it for he was fearful his master would discover the cheat , and therefore desired us to be speedy in the dispatch , and so we made but too draughts thereof . away he goes again , and brings in another , not after the same manner , but crying it right , bringing withal a quart-bottle in his codpiece : now , gentleman , ( said he ) using your discretion , you may sit and talk freely , without either fear or suspition , using your glass , & when your pint is empty , fill him again you shall not want for liquor lads . this somthing amazed me at first , till my neighbour thomas told me that this was frequent , and that he and two or three friends at any time could be drunk for six pence a piece . come , come you are but a novice , said he ; but if you will be ruled by me , i 'll shew you the way to soften the cord of bondage , to make the long time of a seven-years apprenticeship seem short , by living as merry , nay , more jovially than our masters . they may be distracted with cares how to procure necessaries , pay rent , and satisfie creditors , whilst we have none of these pressures and disturbances on our spirits . what though we have an harsh word ar a smart blow , it may be a broken pate ? we will make his till spring a leak for it , or his goods goto pot , and break him at last too . it may be his provision is neither dainty nor plentiful , nay , restrained from cur liberty too : 't is onely by day then , we will be masters of our own at night , not wanting any thing that may conduce to mirth , or the delectation of our insatiate senses . i ask'd him how could this be done ? he answered , if i would swear to be secret and faithful , and become a brother of the society , he would not onely tell me how all this ( a sore recited ) might be performed , but would likewise introduce me into the place where these jolly blades used to congregate . i soon consented , rejoycing exceedingly at this blessed opportunity , ( as i thought it ) wherein i might sail in the ocean of delight , bound for no other port but that of pleasure or profit , never considering the inevitable quicksands which such meet withal steering that course , having no other compass to sail by than their own fancy . very eager i was to have him inform my judgment with what at present i understood not , but doubted not in a little time to be as forward as the foremost in any moral wickedness . first , he informed me , that i must insinuate my self into the maids favour , so that , when occasion should require , she may let you have the key of the street-door , or else sit up for your return , making her sensible that she doth not so break her sleep for nothing . that i must never fail coming home to gratifie her kindness . if she be modest and continent , onely kiss her , and that my behaviour should not be either rude or lascivious , that all my expressions should saviour of platonique , or chast love , often repeating this to her ; o that i was out of my time , if it were for nothing else but to repay thee thy love ! so great an acknowledgment i have of thy civilities , that i hope a time will come wherein i shall make full satisfaction for all , &c. if she be bucksome , or wantonly given , she will never be content with hopes , promises and protestations , vows and such like windy stuff ; wherefore you must kiss , hug , and embrace her , telling how dearly you love her ; and then fall to somewhat else : she may put you off at first with a pish , a fye , or pray be civil ; yet be so far from denying , that if you proceed not on vigourously , she will prompt you her self , to try what mettle you are made of ; if dull , she will make you the subject of her private , nay and publick laughter and scorn . but be very cautious of procreation , which you may prevent several wayes . now to tell you what manner of persons we are that are confederates ; there are few among us but what are of several trades selected , as linnen-drapers , mercers , woollen-drapers , silk-men , hosiers , haberdashers , grocers , goldsmiths , jewellers , ribband-sellers , exchange-men , to which add a drawer and an oyl-man , the one to furnish us with good liquor , and the other to prepare our pallates for it . a great many trades there are which signifie nothing in our commonwealth as pe●…trers , braziers , plummers , &c. we are onely for such as will profit the body , please the pallate , & fill the pocket . every one brings his several commodities at the place of meeting , then do we exchange or barter one with another for what each respective person wants ; either to supply his own occasion , or his mistress : for it is to be supposed such a thing must be had ; when procured , must be maintained , though to the destruction of our masters estates , and ruine of our bodily health . further he added , that our masters might not detect us in the purloining his goods you must not ( said he ) take too much of one sort of commodity . all this i liked wonderfully well , and promised to meet that day seven-night at the place appointed ; and so we parted . coming home , i immediately put these prescriptions into practice ; first ; taking notice of what goods we had greatest quantity ; and whatsoever commodity my master forgot he had , i always secured it as mine own : nay , sometimes i would try him ; there was such a person enquiring for such a thing to day when you were abroad , but i could not finde it : it may be he would say , we had it not ; suiting my design according to desire . having taken a thorow view of the shop and ware-house . , i saw so many ways of advantage , if assisted by a cleanly conveyance , that i could snip as well as the most forward of them all . the next thing i had to do , was to endear my self to the chief maid , who was one of those that lay covertly to see me wash my self in the tub ; and as she confest since , took an affection to me from that hour . it required no long time to court her into a compliance ; her complexion or temperament , forcing her acceptance of any thing amorously inclined ; the colour of her hair inclined to red , which colour ( though i know not for what reason ) i love above any : this may be partly the reason , because as that complexion hath alwayes the concomitant of a very white skin , so it hath two inseperable companions , plumpness and bucksomness : her skin as the usual attendant of red or flaxenish hair , as i said ) was as white as whiteness it self : her cheeks naturally painted with vermilion ; plump were her cheeks and lips with a mole thereon , and a dimple in her chin , as the infalible marks of one that is willing to dedicate her self to the service of venus . having a fit opportunity , after some amorous discourse , i desired her she should grant me leave that night to talk with her in private , having business of importance to impart to her : she condescended to my proposition . as soon as our master and mistress were gone to take their rest , her impatience to hear what i would say , made her soon send the rest to bed . the house being thus cleared , and all things silent as the air , when winds into their hollow grors repair , i acquainted her with the greatness of my affection , which i delivered with all the rhetorick i could invent , still rouching that string which produced loves harmonious concord : so fervent i was in my expressions , and so ardent and hot in my desires , that i soon melted the conjealed iceness of her chastity : but first there were mutual articles reciprocally drawn & agreed unto , viz. that if she proved with childe , i should marry her . that i should devote my self to her service , and nones else . that we should both endeavour to make use of all opportunities for the enjoyment of each other . that to prevent discovery , we should often fall out before people , that without suspition in private we might agree the better ; throwing often-times bones at my head when sitting at dinner , because suspision should not deprive her of the grizzle . so great was our seeming ●…eud sometimes , that our master was called in to part us . after this i gave her plenary instructions as to my affairs , which she faithfully and punctually promised to observe . then did i put my hand to the instrument , and sealed the articles with two witnesses . the night was come wherein i was too meet according to promise . i acquainted my amoretta with my intention of going out at twelve a clock ; and that my master might not in the least suspect me , i went to bed , but arose again at the hour promised . the first time i would not carry any commodities with me , resolving to see first what they did . being come to the house , i was introduced by my neighbour thomas into a private back-room , among the associated brethren . i was much amazed to see such variety of wares lye upon a long table , as silks , stuffs , cloth , l●…nnen and woollen , stockings , ribbands , muffs , hoods , starffs , and the like . some of them came to me , and welcomed me as a brother , drinking to me in a beer-bowl of sack and sugar . most of the company being met , they truckt with each other according to their convenience , furnishing themselves with what they either stood in need of themselves or their friends . several things were offered me ; i told them i had brought nothing to retalliate : they told me my credit was good , which is the soul of commerce ; telling me they should have occasion to make use of me in the like nature another time . i took with me onely such things as might be proper to bestow at home , on whom i had lately engaged my affections ; which i presented her with , accompanied with many expressions and protestations of a never-dying affection . she accepted of my kindness with much gratitude , but though she could not fully remunerate me without a re-admission into her private , and then particular favours , i could easily discern her inclinations by griping of my hand , kissing as if she would devour me , the palpetation of her heart , and her inflamed eyes . i ran parallel with her in the same desires , so that with much facility we two clapt up a bargain . after which ; i would have betaken my self to my rest in my own bed , but that was displeasing to her , i perceived nothing would content her , but that we should be bed-fellows . i soon assented to it , though to the hazard of both our credits and fortunes . i desired her to go up first , telling her i would follow instantly after . by that time i thought she was in bed ; up march●… i the stairs , which creackr as if they had conspired a discovery ; coming up to the highest stair , i raised my foot ( being fearful of making any noise ) thinking there had been another , it descended with such precipitation , that i made the house eccho . the chamber wherein my master and mistress lay , ( the maid lying in a trundle-bed underneath them ) was right against the stair-head . my master had taken a dose more than ordinary of sack , so that this noise awaked him not : my mistress at the first hearing thereof , imagined thieves had broken into the house ; she endeavoured to wake her husband , by stirring him , but could not , therefore thought it the best way to lie still , expecting the event . in the mean time 〈◊〉 lay per due , stirring not till i imagined my mistress asleep again , the maid , concluding i durst not adventure further by reason of this unfortunate accident , fell immediately into a profound sleep . finding ( after a considerable time ) all things still and quiet , i entred the chamber , dark as hell , and in a low voice , groaping the contrary way , i cried , where art ? here , here , said my mistress , in a whispering tone : minding from whence the sound came as near i could , i directed my foot-steps to that place : the same words being repeated , conveyed me exactly to that side of the bed whereon my mistress lay . taking her about the neck , i kist her a thousand times : not perceiving my mistake , i made all the haste i could ( and all too little ) to undress my self ; which was done in an instant : opening the cloths to come to bed , hold , said my mistress , i have a bed-fellow already ; what i have suffered you to do , was onely as a tryal to understand and what you intended . get you gone to your own bed for this night , and i shall talk with you farther to morrow , i durst not reply , not daring to stay longer , but betook my self to my own chamber , possest with fear and shame , i nothing but tost and tumbled all that night , taking not the least rest . in the morning early i was up , shewing my self more than ordinarily diligent . but lord , what a confusion i was in , when i saw my mistress come into the shop ? i made an hundred pretences to stoop behind the counter , and rectifie disordered wares : so busie i was with my back towards her that she could not have so much as a sight of me . at length she comes up close to me , and turning me about , said , indeed , you take too much pains , you are too laborious ; fair and softly ; there is a great while to night yet : d●…t a little , i must have a word with you . hearing this , i presumed to look in her face , and was overjoyed ; for from thence i received a most alluring smile , in stead of a killing frown . this re-armed me with confidence , compelling from me these expressions : most respectful mistress , i do with shame confess my self 〈◊〉 a great errour : but if you will consider that the 〈◊〉 thereof was irresistable ; i hope you will in some measure mi●…gate my crime . my very youthfulness speaks my apology . you cannot be ignorant of the fervent heat of young blood , which sometimes ●…ls beyond its bound . besides the temperature of my body , ( being of a sang●…ine complexion ) did add much fuel to that fire . she admired to hear me speak in such a dialect ; but ●…aying aside her wonder , she bid me tell her the whole truth , and what contract we had concluded . ●…quivocated in my relation , intending to excuse the mal●… forwardness , and that i onely designed to ●…prize her ●…wares . this ●…ry of mine did 〈◊〉 in the least prevent my mistresses prying wit , 〈◊〉 quick understanding ; from searching out the 〈◊〉 , ●…ing every meander , finding it our at last , though involved in a labyrinth of obscurities . she told me plainly she knew all , though i endeavoured to conceal it , and desired me , in stead of commands , to withdraw my affectionate thoughts from her , since her resolution was to divorce our persons . adding moreover , that if i was so amorously inclined , as not content without a female object to exercise my passion on , i should elect such a one , whose merit grounded on beauty , birth , wealth , and power , should command my love , and finally eternize my terrestrial happiness ; and so vanisht from me , leaving my cogitations to their operations . forty five years had not totally destroyed her beauty , but there was still remaining the ruines of a good face : her birth , though from a high extraction , had little influence over me , had not her wealth ( which she had at her own disposal ) whispered in my ear more than a common felicity . her last words left a deep impression on my imagination , which were not so enigmatically delivered , but that i could easily interpret them advantagiously enough to my purpose . i resolved within my self to acquiesee , leaving this affair to time to bring it to perfection . chap. xi . what divices he found out to cheat his master ; and what ways he had to spend it lavishly , at unseasonable hours , on wine , wenches , &c. the time being come again , for the meeting my snipping brethren , i went prepared with what i could conveniently carry with me . seeing me come well fraught , my merchants presently clapr me aboard , resolving not to let my commodities lie long on my hands , our truck was soon agreed on to our mutual contents . then like true sons of bacchus , we trouled the full boles about , wishing him that pledged not his fellow , in a dark rainy night on a ryred jade bare ridged in a dirty lane , with a pocky whore behind him , and his own bones rotten , nine miles from an house , not knowing one step of his way , nor having one penny in his pocket . this , or the like dreadful execration , made us tumble off whole boles like so many thimbles full . half a dozen of these a piece , were a preludium to our supper , which usually was composed of the choisest viands . neither could we eat , without our female consorts , whom wine and musick waired on . after supper , we fell again to our old bacchanalian sport , drinking , dancing , or privately treating our mistresses at a venereal banquet . when we had drank our selves to ebricty , and satiated our lustful appetires , we betook our selves to our respective habitations , our masters not dreaming of our night-revellings . our own expences were neither valuable nor comparable to what our mad-dames put us to , which were so great ( though they made me rack my invention to supply their pretended necessities ) that all my various endeavours could not answer their expectations . i had taken my gentlewoman a chamber , for which i payed three shillings a week , and upon the bare promise of a whore , that she should prove constant to me , i allowed her a weekly pension besides , i never came to receive a private favour , but i must return her for it , some special and particular courtesie ; as a scarfe , an hood , a ring , a whisk , or rich lace for her smock . if i failed at any time of paying , i should be severely checked , nay , sometimes threatned , at the least denyed my accustomed familiarity ; then she would pretend that she had refused many eminent matches meerly for my sake , that now she saw her self meerly deluded , and therefore would endure it no longer ; and would tell my master all the proceedings . if i had performed the main , and not presented her when i came with some other gratuity , as a work of supererrogation , she would deride my courtship , telling me , i was an empty fellow , that i bestowed my favours on others , and that made me so sparing to her . and that she scorned to be a copartner in my heart . when she thought she had sufficiently nettled me , ( fearing to streign my passion too high ) then a little compry clapping me on the cheeks , calling me , smock-face rogue ; come hither sirrah , i know what you would have , i 'le save your longing . such sweetned words soon over-powered my soureness & : notwithstanding my intended hardness , i could not forbear melting in her arms . nowsince opportunity offereth it self so appositly , give me leave to lay open this subtle female , on whom a strong ascendency of mercury and venus , had bestowed so liberal a talent for whoring , and cheating , that few escaped her circumvention that came into her company . the relation i shall give of this miracle of female subtilty , will be much advantagious to all sorts of persons . by this those that are viciously inclined may be advised into a reformation , before they have occasion for repentance : and they who desying all admonishment , and are resolved to be wicked in spite , may out of an apprehension of the ensuing danger and punishment , be deterred into caution , &c. a short survey of a cunning whore . when first i made my self acquainted with her , i thought my happiness not inferiour to the grand seignors , for although he had in his seraglio the injoyment of an hundred or more of the most select beauties of the universe , yet did i fancy all those external glories contracted into one , and possessed my matchless mistriss . as she was fair , so well featured , sprightly and young , four dangerous advantages , when they are accompanied with wit , dissimulation , crast and impudence , with a covetous desire of injoying of wlaat others possest . she could not be ignorant of her trade , since her mother was a prosest bawd from the time she brought her into the world . taking notice of her extraordinary handsomness even from the cradle , she resolved to dedicate her to the service of venus , not doubting but the bent of her nature would render her very capable of that employ . being about thirteen years of age , her beauty was so much taken notice of , that her lovers swarmed about her . the old bawd her mother was so overjoyed to see so large and goodly a troop of cupids lanciers , her daughters life-guard , and doubted not now but that she should obtain the plenary fruition of her hopes , and therefore entertained them all , yet watching them so narrowly , that none should taste her fruit unless they bought the tree at a dear rate . she so well observed her daughters natural polity , that she was well assured her insinuations would in a little time command both the hearts and purses of those who courted her . her design proved as fortunate as she could wish , in as much as among the many that languished for her , there was one so wealthy , as that he never knew the want of a thousand pound , whose heart was inflamed by her eyes . she had now assumed the title of madam , which one should think belonged to none but who are nobly extracted , however , why should she baulk it , since it is an honour costs little or nothing , and as soon conferred as spoken . this gentleman was so insnared by the withcrafts of a lovely face , that though he knew the profession and practice of the mother , and the daughters want of honour , honesty and wealth , yet he resolved upon a marriage within few days without the tediousness of treaties . when there was a firm contract concluded between them before witnesses , the charitable bawd his intended mother in law , came to him , & told him if his stomack was raw & could not stay so long till the meat was served up with the usual ceremonies , he should have a bit for a stay , and taste before hand : the proposition was not unwelcome to him , wherefore he instantly took earnest of the happiness he vainly believed would bear him company durante vita . not long after they bad their nuptials celebrated , and that he might not disparage himself in the worlds eye , as to his inconsiderable choice ; he bought his wife at his proper charge , new cloaths , splendid enough you may guess , with the appendixes of gallantry , rings , jewels , &c. and so brought her home to his house in much state . she had not long lived with him , but she followed the dictates of a luxurious disposition , and a libertine , hating to have her liberty circumscribed or bounded especially by one so remote to her nature and unsuitable in years , wherefore under pretence of visiting this friend , & that couzen , she so blinded her old husband by this plausible excuse , as that shemade her frequent sallies abroad pimp for her desires . her husband observing her often gaddings and profuse expences , could do no less than suspect more than he was willing to understand , and therefore not onely abridged the liberty she took , but devested her of those ornaments he had bestowed upon her , which so animated her to revenge , that she resolved not to let slip the first opportunity . she soon got acquainted with one suitable to her purpose , a person as much ingaged in debauchery , as his credit was in the world , yet so pleasant he appeared in her eyes , as that a little courting made her wholly at his devotion . hence we may observe the dangerous consequences of disproportion of age in matching . surely there can be no agreement between fire and water , between freezing winter and scorching summer . besides , when a woman comes once to have mean thoughts of her husband ( upon any account what ever . ) she is then in the way to affect any body else . she now not onely slighted , but hated him , which made her lanch out into all the excesses that exasperared , & vicious woman-kind can imagine or contrive , from whence she may either derive satisfaction or advantage , neither could she want assistance or councel , as long as the old experienced bawd her mother lived . this good old dotard finding himself so abused , that the whole world must needs call his reason in question ; if he suffered any longer his loose wise to career thus in luxury and wantonness , resolved within himself to call her to a severe accompt , intending withal to reduce her by kindness , as well as sharpness , and so equally to temper his frowns with smiles , that she should not tell which of those two ingredients were most powerful in the effecting the cure of his lust-sick wanton . returning one evening from her revels abroad , the old cuckold took her to task ; sharply reproving her for her gaddings , her tavern meetings , with debauched and licentious persons ; her lavish expence in paying the reckonings where ever she came , but especially her supplying the necessities oflusty younger brothers , which resupplyed hers . the old man had so spent his spirits and breath , in schooling his lecherous truant , that he was forced to conclude his wormwood lecture in an excessive cough ; the inseparable companion of him and age. my bucksome madam searing he was streining for more of that unpleasing stuff , which had so lately offended her ears , left him half strangled with a tyfick . in this interval , a female neighbour of his came in , a gentlewoman of that worth , that virtue and gentility contended in her for priority : how is it i pray sir ( said she ) i am much troubled to see you in this condition ? you lie , you lie , you whore ( said he ) his ears being so furd by time , that he could not distinguish this gentlewomans voice from his wises ; neither could he see , his violent coughing forced down such a torrent of moisture into his eyes ; that his sight was totally drowned : continuing his railing ; see me in this condition ? i believe you would be glad to see me out ofit , you strumpet , lump of lechery , cheat , she devil , what shall i call thee ? there is no name too bad : and then cought again so violently , that it was in vain to speak to him ; but when this violent fit abated , she resolved to say something , though her amazment to hear what she neither deserved , nor expected , would hardly give her permission . at last she spake to him , and reasoned with him , why he should thus stain her honour which was hitherto spotless , undefiled ; that her actions had ever been so far from rendring her , what he unworthily represented , that they made her famous , and lookt on as a good example for her neighbours to follow and immitate . i , i ; infamous you mean ( said he ) and let me alone to make you such an example , that you shall have followers enough to see you carted , you bitch whore . why , who am i said the gentlewoman , that you thus abuse me ? am i , ( said he ) you are touchwood , tinder , salt-peter , gunpowder , wildfire , nay , worse then all this , my wife . by this the gentlewoman verily concluded him to be mad , and fearing lest his srenzie might be converted into fury , was thinking to slip from him just as his cough left him , and his eyes again restored to him , with the insight of his mistake ; which made him much condemn his fallacious age , that had put this trick on him . apologies ( as many as this old mans sterile invention could frame ) were not wanting to excuse this obsurdity and errour : neither was his wife without the height of mirth behind the hangings , to hear how much her doting fool was mistaken ; who had not patience any longer to discourse his visitant , but obruptly left her in quest of his abused wife as he now supposed , imagining from this grand mistake , that what ever before he had either seen or heard of his wife , was nothing but the genuine product of his own idle and jealous brain . after he had made a strict enquiry through the whole house for his wife , he at length found her out cloistered in a garret , into which she had conveyed her self , coming softly behind the hangings , wherein she had hid her self ; and the better to colour her intended villany , hearing her husband ascend the stairs , she put her self into a praying posture . the old man seeing her on her knees , had like to have broke his neck for haste , not minding so much the disturbance he should give her ( pretended ) devotion , as the satisfaction he injoyed to see his mistake confirmed . being out of breath , his discourse was abrupt and broken , neither did he know which was most expedient , either first to question her , or crave her pardon : at length he threw himself at her feet ( for indeed he could hardly stand upon his feeble legs , ) and hanging down his head ( i knew not whether he cried ) a salt rhume gushed through the port-holes of his head , which looked like scalding teares ; so and so they might be , for by their burning heat , any might conclude the loss of the hair of his eyelids , and that thereby the shriveled skin of his countenance was parcht . it was a long time ere he could speak , and no wonder , since this was the second time of his infancy ; but at length with much ado , with a look as pittiful as his rhetorick , he asked forgiveness . she seemed strangely surprized , and not onely wondred at , but taxc him for the irrationality of his petition . the pretence of her ignorance in what had past , made him the more eager to discover his ridiculous folly . in short , he gave her to understand , that since he was mistaken in a thing so palpable , he might very well question whether all former reports , and his own evil opinion of her , might not be posited on the same basis of falshood . that for the time to come , he would never admit of jealousie within his breast , and to give a full confirmation to what he protested ; he instantly delivered her his keys , committing to her trust what he had of greatest value . this cunning quean would not accept this kind proffer , but with much pressing , and then sealing his pardon with a kiss , an everlasting affection was seemingly agreed upon . for two or three months after she behaved her self so well , that had her husband had argus his hundred eyes , he could not perceive any thing that might blemish her reputation , or trouble his head . her cue being come to enter and act her part on the stage of deceit , she appeared and managed her business to the purpose . for having given her mother a catalogue of those rich things she had in her possession ; she never left her daughter till they had conveyed all away which might be carried in the day time without any notice taken ; and at an appointed night getting the servants to bed , and delivering the key of the street-door to the old bawd her mother , she played the part of a woman in general , by lulling her husband in bed by dissimulation and flattery , into a fond opinion of her cordiality to him , whilst her agent then were leaving him as naked of goods , as he was at that time of apparel . in the morning she arose by times , before the old man was stirring , and went instantly to her mother who had provided her lodgings . then did she change her name to hinder detection , and that she might add to her security ; she never went abroad but with her vizard mask , and in as many varieties of suits as there are months in the year , which though but thirteen , yet did she make them ring as many changes as bow bells . not long after she had played this exploit , it was my unhappiness to be acquainted with her , by coming accidentally to our shop , where buying some wares , it was so ordered that i must bring them to her chamber . according to the time appointed i waited on her , but found my self extreamly mistaken in my chapwoman . for instead of paying me for my commodity , she would have truckt with me ware for ware ; which i would no ways assent to ; finding me no fit person for her purpose , she dismist me by discharging the debt . this passage did so run in my mind , that i could not be at quiet till i had purposed a time to visit her , and indeed i was forceably prickti on thereunto by those matchless features , i saw in her incomparable face . my master riding out of town i found a very fit opportunity to make my address to her , which i thought would be the more wellcome by bringing a present with me . her memorie was so good that she knew me again , and shrewdly guessed at my errant , and indeed i was not long in the discovery thereof : there were but two words to a bargain and so struck up the business : so much delight i took in her at that time , and she in me , that we interchangably promised each others constancy of affection . mine and my females extravagancies , made me invent as many ways to cheat , as we had ways to spend what was this way gotten . if i had heard any friend say , they must buy a gown , i had my mercer ready for that purpose ; if a suit and cloak , my draper , and the like : sometimes telling my friend , that i was acquainted with one , that would sell me a far cheaper pennyworth than any one else , other times , that such an one owed me some moneys , and that this way i could both pleasure my friend , and hedg in mine own debt . though i drove a great trade this way , receiving still ready cash , yet this would not do alone . as an assistance i guilded the money-box every day , receiving my part first , before my master should take his , which usually he did every night , putting it into his till . i could not sleep for thinking how i might be intimately acquainted with the inwards of this same till . several projects i made tryal of , but none suited my purpose so well , as a barbers pair of curling irons . i got a file from a smith , and to work i went with my curling irons , filing them to slip in easily , and to turn round . the first essay i made thereof , had like to have put me into an extasie for joy . i laid them upon their edge , opened them wide , i pincht the money below ; holding fast , i turned them on their side , and so drew up the money to the mouth of the scotch : now because there was many times so much , that it would not come throw , with a knife i would slide away piece after piece , till i had ●…itted the money to the narrowness of the passage . i seldom brought up at a time less than three shillings , a good draught , not ceasing till i had gotten twenty or thirty shillings at a time , or more , according to the quantity of the stock . finding my engine act according to my desires , i could not be content without congratulating my success . my master was seldom at home , wherefore i askt my mistress to go out for an hour , promising her not stay beyond my limited time : she consented , and i overjoyed , pickt up a rambler or two , and away we went to honest ralph . being glad to see us , planted us in a convenient room fit for his purpose . there was never a pint he scored at the bar , but he had a quart-bottle in his breeches for it . they all wondred to see me so srollick , but i thought it wisdom to conceal the depth of my practice from them . after we had drank very smartly , i came home , transgressing but a little beyond my time . my mistress was very well pleased , telling me , i should have icave another time , since i was so punctual . those bottles of sack we drank , ran perpetually in my ●…inde ; for it was the very flower of wine . in the commemoration of my friends courtefie , and the goodness of that liquor , i gave my contemplative fancy leave to characterise a bottle of canary , thus . the character of a bottle of canary . he is gentleman i assure you well extracted , which once lived like a salamander in the midst of the flames , and had he not been burnt , he had never proved sound . he seems a prodigy : for that which we live by , decays him , hating air , as ba●…chus hates small beer . he will lie still if you smother him , and is never so well , as when his breath is stopr . bury him , and you make him quicker . as for his habit , it is ever plain , yet neat : though nobly born , he scorns not to wear a green coat , with a badge on it ; and you cannot injure him worse than to pick a hole in his coat . though he wears for the most part one sort of garb , yet he is never out of fashion , acceptable to the best of company , not regarding his outward dress , but valuing his inward worth : however , his suit is made of admirable stuff , for his outside never grows barer , and his linings are the fresher for wearing . so choice he is in his cloathing , that he rather ●…huferb to have his brains knockt out , than to have a ●…ent in his garment . he wears a●… la mode hat , as light ( and almost as little ) as a shittle-cock , which he puts off to none ; but like the quaker when brought before a magistrate , hath it taken off for him . as for this pedegree , i know not how to derive it ; for he hath had in him the best and purest of the french blood , but will now acknowledge his place onely from the spaniard , whom he imitates , being stately and standing always upright ; treads for the most part on carpets , and never stirs abroad but when he is carried , yet full of activity . if he runs fast and long , the more winde he gets . if he chance to fall , which is seldome , for many looks to him , he whl be extreamly moved , yet ( contrary to all men ) the fuller his belly is , the less hurt he receives ; his credit is large , never paying for what he wears , running on the score perpetually ; his conditions are a riddle ; there is in him pure vertue , and notorious vice ; the quintessence of love , and the venome of hatred . he is the beginning and the end of a thousand quarrels in a year , yet a very coward ; for he suffers any to take him by the ear , and never broke any ones pate , but when company was by . he is very facetious in society , and will spend himself freely to the last drop , if a ladies soft and warm hand will raise him he is a brisk spark , and therefore courtiers adore him ; he is smooth in his expression , and therefore ladies delight in him ; he is filled with nimble fancies , therefore the wits frequent him , exhausting his radical moisture , to distil it into poetical raptures ; for conce●…s never run faster from the limbick of their brains , than when this gentleman adds fuel to the furnace . he whets wit , yet dulls it ; creates new fancies , and stupifies . gives the orator a fluent tongue , and makes him speechless . gives a poet seet till he cannot go . and as he helps ministers to preach , so he likewise silenceth more than the spanish inquisition . he hath a great many tricks in him : he will make a faulkner flye high w ithin doors : makes a huntsman catch a fox by the fire-side . what ever he holds , is made good ; and unless you mind him well , much good matter that falls from him , may be lost : for he is often fluent beyond measure . all tongues court him ; and those that look narrowly unto him , shall find him no dry fellow . the truth is , he is too profound for shallow brains to meddle with him : he will pour out quaint expressions and hard words so thick , that the best scholars are glad at last to give him something to stop his mouth : yet hold him up fairly , and you may get all he hath out of him . he is excessively beloved and relishes all company , being pleasant , and full of admirable humours . he is inwardly acquainted with the lord mayor and aldermen , and incorporateth with their wives daily . his kisses are so sweet , that they lick their lips after him ; and though his breath be strong , yet it is not offensive . he is a true good-fellow , drinking till he hath no eyes to see with : good liquor is his life and soul , and he is never musty but for want of it . he will drink till he be filled up to the very throat , and gape whilst others put it in . he will bear as much sack as any man in england of his bulk ; yet he will be soon drunk in company . but if you will give him leave to vomit , he will take his liquor and drink fresh , till all the company be forced to leave him . drinking is his hourly exercise , seldome lying out of a tavern . he is the main upholder of club-meetings , without fear of being broke . he picks mens pockets , yet is never made more reckoning of than by such persons . as for his estate , i can onely say this , that all he hath he carries about him ; yet generally he is reputed rich : what he hath , he holds upon courtesie ; but what he gives others , is held in capite . what he possesseth , is commonly upon sale ; yet more for plenty , than for want ; and if you can purchase him , you purchase all . i could never indure idleness , i was ever in action ; either writing , or contriving or putting in execution my contrivances ; i thought it better male agere quam nibil agere , my brains or hands were continually working and very soldom but effectually , my pen was generally so happy in discoveries , that my wit was much applauded by the most censorious , much respected i was , and my company much importuned by the tanker-barers of helicon by which meanes i so swelled with pride that i thought my self little inferior to apollo , i called mercury pimp , the nine sisters whores , whom i had frequently layn with and might when i pleased , the best title i could bestow on pegasus was hackny-jade . in the height of this my opinionativeness , my cooler ( our masters mayd came to me where i was alone ) and after many heart fecht sighs , told me she found her self with childe ; which news had like to have deprived me of my understanding : but knowing that vexation never remedies but rather adds to trouble , i was resolved to bear it patiently and study some means to preserve her and my credit . i framed a letter as from her father , desiring her to come down into the country speedily , if she intended to see him alive ; and according as we had laid the plot , she shews it her mistress , desiring her leave to shew her duty to her dying father . our mistress most willingly consented thereunto , as knowing that there was more than ordinary love between us ; the maid had staid as long as possibly she might without discovery , lacing her self very streight , and keeping down her belly with three busks : but now she made haste to rub off : i had provided a midwife that should be her bawd too : but this could not be done without extraordinary cost . after her delivery , i found the keeping of her and the child very expensive : then did i begin to consider what a vast charge , and how many various troubles this momentary lecherous pleasure draws upon a man : how furiously he is upon the onset , and how quickly satisfied , loathing that object he a little before longed for . well i bethought my self how to be rid both of cow and calf . i told her i would get together what moneys i could , and so marry her , upon this condition she would be willing to travel with me whither i went , which i knew was her onely desire : i informed her of my intention to go for virginia ; and the reasons that induced me thereunto . first , her disgrace would not be known there : next , my master could have no power over me ; insisting further on the pleasantness of that continent , and the plenty of every thing , &c. she assented to all i propounded , relying her self solely on me to dispose of her as i pleased . to palliate my design , i went with her to gravesend , pretending as if i was then going with her beyond sea , for no other end but to clear my self from her there , knowing that after she had past examination , or search of the block-house , she would meet with no more , being aboard , i suddenly seemed to have forgot something ashore ; having well laid my plot upon the basis of a good sum of money , i had distributed among the sea-men with a considerable present to the master , and telling my landabris i would return to her instantly , i got into the boat ; and immediately after the ship wayed anchor , and quickly was under sail. i confess notwithstanding the devil had at that time the total possession of me ; yet i was much troubled at what i had done so hard-heartedly and cruelly . a flood of tears had so overwhelmed my sight , that i could not discern the ship in which she was : so sensible i was of the wickedness of this fact , that dido like , i could have thrown my self into the sea after her , had not a good woman , whose husband was in the same ship , prevented me . observing my tears , 't is probable , young man , ( said she ) you have lately taken your leave of some dearly beloved friend ; and i guess , by your earnest looking after yond ship under sail , the person was in her . i told her it was truth . my husband is in the same vessel , ( said she ) and therefore i have as much cause to grieve as you . come , be of good comfort , man , friends must part ; and it is better to part here than at the gallows . go along with me , and we will wash down sorrow ; and with a glass of neat canary , antidote our hearts against any thing that may distrub them . with that i lookt intentively in her face , and found it correspondent with a jolly temper . an eye black and piercing ; and eye brow black also , and each as big as a mans thumb comparatively : a signe that never fayls to denote that woman capable of giving a man the greatest delectation . she was every way compleatly handsome , and suitable to the desires of the most curious critick in love-affairs , i thought it a shame to deny so kind a prosfer , and a crime in youth unpardonable not to imbrace that opportunity , that shall lead him by the hand into venus her bed-chamber . with that i addrest my self to her , ( and afterwards undrest together ) declaring that the force of her rhetorick , assisted by her external , beautiful , and altogether lovely form , had forced me to forget my one dearly beloved she-friend , and become her proselyte , her absolutely devoted convert , and would prostrate my will to be guided by hers and her command . with that we concluded to solace our selves at the next tavern , i applyed my self to my old way of insinuation : which soon melted her , so that i saw i might when i pleased stamp loves impression on her returning to gravesend we soon lodged our selves conveniently for our intended purpose , having so done , i so ordered the matter that there was not any thing wanting that might please our sences . yet fearing left her love should cool again , there was no art forgotten that might serve to entertain it . delays in love affairs are dangerous : women love not to be too long tantalized ; there is a certain critical time to know their inclination ; which if you punctually observe , you shall assuredly reap the fruits of your desires ; if not , you may perpetually wait , but never enioy the like opportunity . wherefore the iron glowing hot , i thought good to strike , to enliven my spirits , she sent for a noise of musick , ordering them to play in the next room . and in the end we began to think of some repose , agreeing before to lie in two chambers contiguous to each other ; which were accordingly provided . as soon as i thought all the houshold were in bed , i repaired to my mistress , who eagerly expected my coming ; approaching the bed-side , she clasped me in her arms : as soon as day broke ; i arose , bespeaking a fat capon swaddled with sassages , and a quart of buttered sack. i got all ready by the time ofher rising , she was extraordinarily well pleased in my double diligence of serving her , having applauded my industrie and care of her , we fell to it , interlining every bit with a glass of canary . she told me she would never part whilst she had a penny left , having about her some thirty pieces of gold. well ( said i ) my dear , since it is thy resolution , a match ; but let me be steward : which she agreed unto , delivering into my hands what gold she had . for two or three hours i shewed my self very officious in my place ; but considering that when this money was spent , we should not know what to do , i thought it was better for one to want than two ; besides , i had lately surfeited on a medler , and therefore my stomack nauseated the very thoughts thereof . i had feed the drawer to bring me word just as the gravesend barge was going off ; which accordingly he did by a private sign concluded betwixt us . i then pretended an excuse to go down under the notion of providing something novel , which should be conducible to our mirth and jollity . i had just so much time below to write her these lines in stead of a solemn leave taking , leaving them with the drawer to present her , and so went aboard the barge for london . madam i 'm gone ; no wonder , for you know , lovers encounters , are but touch and go . arriving at billings-gate , i went straight to a tavern , where i had an interest with the drawer , resolving there to consult seriously with my self what course to follow , being as yet unresolved what to do . after i had raised my dulled spirits with a glass or two , i concluded to hazard my masters good opinion , nay , and my mistresses affection too ; which though at that present it only smoaked , i might easily divine , that in process of time , it would burst forth into a flame . being before consined to my masters time , i began to consider what an excellent thing liberty was , equally estimable with health ; which two , though they are the greatest and most precious gifts ( next our redemption ) the creator of the world hath bestowed on mankind ; yet we poor mortals , value them not till we are sensible of their want , by being deprived of them . this is an infallible maxime , that the deprivation of a thing shall be so much the more evil , as the possession thereof is good . now if liberty be such an excellent and delectable thing when enjoyed , how miserable are those that want it ? having moneys in my pocket , i concluded to experiment the enjoyment thereof , and to participate of such delights the nature of young men is most inclinable to . now man being a sociable creature , i thought i should reap but little satisfaction to my self in the expence of my moneys , without an associate : wherefore i sent to an apprentice of my intimate acquaintance contemporary with me , and who had often prompted me to ramble with him . this lad was his masters casheer , which i knew would much assist my design . i made him acquainted with my intention of trying the world : though it had been formerly his own motion , yet he seemed at the first something startled ; but all his doubts i resolved ; adding moreover . that to have our wills inslaved to other mens , was a thing insupportable , since that we were as well as they , created free denizens of this world . that since our great grand-father was emperor of the whole world , we could not stile our selves less than princes , and therefore debased our birth by a voluntary submission to service and slavery . i had no great occasion to make use of many arguments to this purpose ; for his own inclination was sufficient to perswade him . the result of our discourse was a firm resolution to become two knights-errant . i advise him forthwith to go home and bring with him what cash he had in his possession ; which he readily performed , and indeed more then i could expect , being l. the fates having so decreed to favour this our first bold exploit , as tryal of what we durst attempt . chap. xii . how he frequented bawdy-houses ; what exploits he committed in them ; the character of a bawd , a whore , a pimp , and a irapan ; their manner of living ; with a detection of their wicked lives and conversations . being full fraught with money , we undertook our progress , promising to our selves all delight imaginable , but not considering what the effect would be . we frequented all places of pleasure , but among the chief , we ranked brothel-houses , which were our repositories . we seldom were seen in the streets by day , fox fear of discovery ; confining our selves close prisoners to some bubbing-hou●…e ; at night ( like such as closely delighted in deeds of darkness ) we would sometimes flutter abroad . our pastime was to hire coaches to any pretended place , and when we came near it , to make our escape . one time leaping out of the boot , my cloak chanced to rangle in the spokes of the wheel , the coachman not perceiving we were got out , drove on ; by the wheels continually turning , my garment was so ingaged , that i verily believed my sins had now conserred upon me the just punishment of being executed on the wheel , which i could hardly have avoided , had i not speedily unbuttdned my cloak : i was loath to bid the coachman stop , thinking i should have it at last ; i ran i , acquy-like a long way , but all my endeavours to shift it , proved ineffectual ; so that at length i was forced to cry out , hold coachman . the coachman coming out of his box , soon perceived the fallacy , and straightways demanded his money for his hire , before he would untangle my cloak , which i was compelled to give him . delivering me my cloak , he told me , i had paid him , but he had not paid me for my attendance on him : and said moreover , that my cloak would not look like a livery , unless it were laced ; and with that , with his whip , lashed me well favouredly . another sort of pastime we used , was to kick the old watchmens lanthorns about the street ; and it may be sometimes confer a blow or two on their sleepy nodles , and then flie for it . we practised this foolery so often , till at length we were met with , and rightly served . it was thus : in paternoster-row , we found a fellow at nodie upon a stall , with his lanthorn and candle by him , having first seized on that , and thrown it into the kennel , we prosecuted our abuse by falling upon him , and beating him . having so done , we betook our selves to flight ; but here we mistook our mark , thinking him to be an old decriped watchman , and one that had little ●…se of his eyes , without those in his pocket ; whereas to our cost , we found him as nimble and as light footed as a stag , who overtaking us , surprized us ; and as he was carrying us before the constable ; we met with the grand round , who , without much examination , committed us as rats to the counter . the chiefest thing that troubled us , was the apprehension of our masters knowing where we were . but we resolved to drown'd that care ; we had not been there long , before other rats , male and female , were brought in to bear us company . some of the men were all bloody , and their mobs scarfs and hoods all rent , and none of them sober : damming and sinking were the constant flourishes of thier discourse ; calling for drink was the argument they held , and roaring in distracted notes was their harmony . though i my self was comparatively wicked , yet i blessed my god i had not arrived to that height these superlative villains had attained to . being in their company , i thought my self in the suburbs , or on the confines of hell. sin , if it be dressed up in specious pretences , may be entertained as a companion ; but when it appears in its own shape , it cannot but strike horror into the soul of any , though desparate , if not stupified . wherefore me thought i was so far from associating my self with them , that i protest , the lendness of their actions were so represented to me with such desormity , that i knew not which i loathed most , them or the prison . i cannot make appear to the world what they were , nor my resentments , unless i should stuff a page or two with all manner of horrid oaths , execrations , blasphemies and such like soul-infecting and destroying plague-sores ; wherefore i shall onely take leave to anatomize the place that deteined us from our freedom . then look upon a prison as in it self , and it may be fitly termed a temporal hell. for as the other is a receptacle for damned souls , the gates thereof standing wide open ; so that this refuseth the reception of none , though never so wicked a miscreant . though my durance in this place was but short , yet i could not but take some observations , imploying from thence the faculties of my soul , to draw up the definition of a prison , hell is a very proper denomination for it , since it is a place composed of nothing but disorder and confusion ; land of darkness , inhabited by calamity , horror , misery , and confusion ; a bottomless pit of fraud , violence and stench . a prison is the banishment of courtesie , the centre of infamy and disparagement , the destruction of good wits , the treasure of despair , the fining-pot of friendship , a den of deceivers , a forrest of ravenous beasts . here you may see one weeping , another singing ; one sleeping , another swearing ; every one variously imployed ; one eating in a corner , and another pissing-just by him ; another lowsing himself between both ; it may be heretofore a military man , and therefore loath to forget his art , but rather exercising it in the killing of his bodily enemies , bearing the blood on his nail , as the trophies of his victory . it is to speak most properly a living tomb or grave to bury men alive in , wherein a man for half a years experience may learn more law , then he can in three terms for an hundred pound . it is a little wood of woe , a map of misery , a place that will learn a young man more villany , if he be apt to take it in six months , than at twenty gaming ordinaries , bowling-allies or bawdy-houses , and an old man more policy , than if he had been pupill to matchiavell . this place hath more diseases predominant in it than the pest-house in a plague time ; and stinks worse than my lord mayors dog-house . it is a little common-wealth , although little wealth common there ; it is a desart , where desert lies hood-winkt . the place is as intricate as rosamonds labyrinth , and is so full of meanders and crooked turnings , that it is impossible to finde the way out , except he be directed by a silver clue , and can never overcome the minoraure without a golden-ball to work his own safety . thus much in short ; the next day paying our fees , and receiving some checks , with good admonitions from the justice , we were discharged . this misfortune made us not a jot more cautious , but assoon as we were at liberty , we went upon the sent to mother c●…-formerly famous for the citizens wives that frequented her house ; and still rides admiral of all the rest of her function about the town . i hope the next time i go to visie her , she will not get me clapt for the pains i take in praising her . the truth of it is , of all the bawd●… i know , she merits most , having an house fit for the accommodation of the best : as for her walking utensils , they are composed of refined mettal , alwayes neatly kept ; which , because they are not used upon all slight occasions , they appear the more delectable to the eye . assoon as we had entered the door , i could hear a ruffling of silks in sundry places : i conceive it was their policy , by seeming modesty , to set a greater edge on our appetites . we were conducted into a large handsome room , bottles of wine were brought up , both spanish and french , with salt meats to relish the pallate , though we gave no order for them : but , it seems , it was the custom of the house , a chargeable one , but without a piece spending , you shall know little of their practices . at length , up came the old matron , she seats her self by me , and began to be impudently acquainted , chucking me under the chin , calling me her son smock-face . having well warmed our selves with wine , and the good gentlewoman perceiving that our bloods began to heat . well , said she , i guess at the intent of your coming hither , neither shall you go away unsatisfied . nature will have its course , and if in youth it be stopt , it will but , torrent-like , flow with the greater impetuosity . come , i see by your countenances , that ye were born sons of mirth and pleasure , shew then what stock ye came of : if you want subjects to exercise your parts on , we 'll have more wine ; and when ye are inflamed , ye shall have the benefit of a cooler . with that she leaves us ; but another of the same sex , though three degrees different in age , supplied her place . at first view i seemed very well pleased ; handsome she was , and very proportionable , but withal so impudent , that i was antidoted against lechery . ista femina qua limites vericundiae semel excesserit , opportet illam essegraviter impudentem . if once a woman pass the bounds of shamefac'dness , she will seldom stop till she hath arrived to the heighth of impudence . i must needs deal ingeniously at the beginning , the needle of my microcosm was toucht by loves loadstone . but upon further acquaintance , if i might have had an hundred pounds , i could not have medled with her . though she had baited her desires with a million of prostitute countenances and enticements , yet i lookt upon her rather a companion for an hospital , and stood more in need of a chy●…rgions acquaintance than mine . my friend had nibbled at the bait ; but when i heard them capitulating about the price , i thought she wanted a fee for the doctor . well , had she not over-traded , she had not broke so soon , for her trade is opposite to all others : for she did set up without credir , and her too much custome undid her ; and so let her go , without either shame or hope of repentance . we desired to see another : 't is variety that man cheifly takes delight in : one constant sort of food , without participating of any other , though manna , will cause the stomack to long for the flesh-pots : neither can the crime be greater in the enjoyment of divers persons , than one alone , provided matrimony make not the act legitimate : i do not approve of these consequent lines tending to this purpose , yet give me leave to insert them , that you may understand how viciously minded some are in this frothy age . born under some ill planet , or accurst , is he that loves one single whore : who with one draught can always quench his thirst , ty'd to one mistress , and no more . this nauseating thing being removed , up came one of venus her chief darlings , excellent flesh ! and she her self the cook that drest it , spending most of her day time about it , that she might with the better appetite be tasted at night . finding no exceptions in this , i was impatient till i had consummated my desires , withdrawing into another room . to heighten my thoughts , she declared to me her birth and education ; that as the one was well extracted , the other had occasioned much cost and expence . that for her parts she associated with none but persons of quality , who by long patience , intreatments , which first procured a familiarity , and in fine freedom in the exercise of love affairs ; and so would have ( seemingly ) put me off upon this score , that it was not usual for her to admit of any to her embraces , but such whose long acquaintance had gained her affection . i offered her a crown , which she refused with indignation , telling me , that she was not yet reduced to so low a condition , as to become so poor a mercenary prostitute . at last , with much perswasion , i fastned on her an half piece , and so striving with her ( she onely seeming averse ) i accomplisht my ends . and presently in came a fellow , whose very face would have enlightned the room , though in the darkest night : for indeed it appeared to me a blazing star , and his nose ( for miraculously he had preserved it ) was the brushy tayl. laying his hand on his sword , he looked fiercer than a spanish don insulting over an indian slave . the bulk of his body began to heave like an earthquake , whilest his mouth , etna-like , belcht out all manner of sulphurous oaths , which roared so loud , as if his belly had contained a barrel of gun-powder , and the linstock of his nose had fired it . his courteous salutation to me , was , how darest thou , son of a whore , presume in this nature to dishonor me , in the abusing of my wife , without the expectation of an immediate annihilation or dissipation into atomes ? but i have something here shall tame thy insolence , and now i am resolved toset thy blood abroach . with that he seemed to make a pass at me : now i , imagining that he really intended to do what he pretended , for the safe-guard of my life , took up a jovnt-stool , and received his point in the seat , and following it home , tumbled him down the stairs , and not being able to recover my self , fell with him . my comerade came running down at the noise to assist me , but he seeing me rather make use of my heels than hands , followed my example , and so built a sconce , leaving the old bawd to condole her great loss , for her reckoning was very considerable . now because i have often met with these hectors or trapanning villains , i think it will not be unsuitable to this present discourse , to insert their character . the character of an hector or trappan . a bawdy-house is his cloyster , where he constantly says his mattins . he is an whores protector , pretending himself more valiant than any of the ancient heroes , thereby thinking to take off the suspicion of a coward from himself : for the opinion of valor is a good protection to those that dare not use it . his frequent drawing his sword upon any slight occasion , makes the ignorant suppose him valiant , whereas he durst not do it , but when he is confident no danger will ensue thereon . he never strikes any , but such he is sure will not return his blows . in company he is wonderful exceptious and cholerick , thinking in the fray some booty may be obtained : but his wrath never swells higher than when men are loth to give him any occation ; but the onely way to pacifie him , is to beat him soundly . the hotter you grow , the milder he is , proresting he always honoured you . the more you abuse him , the more he seems to love you : if he chance to be quarrelsome , you may threaten him into a quiet temper . every man is his master that dares beat him , and every one dares that knows him ; and he that dares do this , is the onely man can do much with him . yet if he knows a coward , he will purposely fall out with him , to get courresies from him , and so be bribed into a reconcilement . yet i cannot say but than he may fight , ( if with great advantage ) being so accustomed to the sight of drawn swords , which probably may infuse something of a conceit into him ; which he so magnifies by his own good opinion , that he would have people believe that the mole-hill of his prowess no less than a mountain . this little he hath , he is no niggard in displaying , resembling some apothecaries shops , full of pots , though little contained in them . his estate lies in contrivances , and though other landlords have but four quarter-days , he hath three hundred sixty and odd to receive the fruits of his stratagems . he is well skill'd in cards and dice , which help him to cheat young gulls newly come to town ; and the reason he usually gives for it , is , a woodcock must be pl●…kt ere he be drest . if that will not do , he carries him to one of his mistresses , and so both join to plume this fowl : if there be not ready money to answer expectation , a bond of considerable value shall for we turn , attested by two shall swear any thing for half a crown . no man puts his brain to more use then he ; for his life is a daily invention , and each meal a mear stratagem . he hath an excellent memory for his acquaintance ; if there ever past but an how do you ? between him and another it shall serve seven years hence for an embrace , and that for money . out of his abundance of joy to see you , offers a pottle of wine ; and in requital of his kindness , can do no less than make you pay for it whilest you are drawing money , he sumbles in his pockets ( as school-boys with their points , being about to be whipt ) till the rockoning be paid , and says it must not be so , yet is easily perswaded to it ; and then cries gentlemen , you force me to incivillity . when his whores cannot supply him , he borrows of any that will lend him ought of this man a shilling , and of another as much ; which some lend him , not out of hope to be repayed , but that he will never trouble them again . if he finds a good look from any , he will haunt him so long , till he force a good nature to the necessity of a quarrel . he loves his friend as one doth his cloak , that hath but one , and knows not how to get another ; he will be sure to wear him thread-bear ere he for sake him . men shun him at last as infection ; nay , his old companions , his cloaths that have hung upon him so long , at length fall off too . his prayer in a morning is , that his chears may take effect that day ; if not , that he may be drunk before night . he sleeps with a tobacco pipe in his mouth , and he dreams of nothing but villany . if any mischief escapes him , it was not his fault , for he lay as fair for it as he could . he dares not enter into a serious thought left he hang himself , but if such melancholy seize him , the drink is his refuge , and drunkenness cures him . lastly he commonly dies like a malefactour on the gallows , or like hercules with fire in his bones . when hanged , if begged for an anatomy , it would serve to convert tobacco-smokers from delighting in the excess thereof ; for they will find the funnel of his body , i mean his throat , furred and choakt up . being freed from danger , we rejoiced exceedingly that we thus so narrowly escaped , resolving to house our selves in the next bubbling-place we came to , that we night talk freely of this rencounter . a place ( pointed out to us by the devils finger ) soon presented it self to our eyes , which we with more than good speed entered , and coming into the kitchin , i was not a little amazed at the sight of a thing sitting in a chair by the fire-side , with a pipe of tobacco in its mouth , and a quarter of strong-waters by its side . this tun of flesh resembled an elephant for the bignesse of her waste , had there been the least appearance of tooth : a nose she had ( which with all wonder be it spoken that she had any ) so long , as that it was a fit resemblance of the elephants proboscis or trunk . but as i said before , her teeth were faln out ; and as loving neighbours to reconcile them , her chin and nose resolved to meet about it . she bids us welcome as well as she could speak . go , i think she could not ; but opening her mouth , lord , what strong imaginations my fancy suggested to me ! me thought i saw hell gaping to favour me ; and within that bottomless concave , could discern infinite numbers of souls whose damnation she was accessary to ; and coming somewhat too near her , i imagined her breath was bitumenous and smelt of brimstone . she might fitly be compared to an old coal that hath been well burnt , that with the least spark will rekindle and fire any thing near it . but her fittest likeness is the devil , her envy running paralel with his . all that the devil endeavours is to bring mankind into the same state with himself , and a bawds crime is to make all fair women like her : now because their youth perhaps will not admit of it so soon , she hurries them on to it by degrees , by drinking , smoaking , painting , and the dayly excess in venery . i lookt about her house very inquisitively , but i could not judge her moveables ( setting aside her quick cattel ) to be worth an inventory . her bedding i doubt me too is infectious , few coming neer it but they are presently taken with a fit of the falling-sickness . this old beldame , being loth to put her throat to the trouble of calling her white devils about her , had got a whistle , on which she used several notes , which musical language her girls understood very well . we called for drink ; the old baw replyed she would send for some , though she had it not in the house : this was to be sure of our moneys . herein i observee their temperance , not suffering us to have too much measure , wenches we had plentifully , one more especially i took notice of , to have the swarthiest skin i have seen english born on whom an ordinary fellow was very sweet . when i saw my opportunity , i askt him , ( craving his excuse ) what trade he was ? pat as i would have it , he answered me . that he was a ●…er . i concluded so , sir , ( said i ) by your dressing of that calves skin there . this dull-headed fool apprehended me not , but began to be angry , telling me , his trade was a good trade and i need not undervalue it : i told him , i did not , since there was some analogy between my trade and his why what trade are you ? ( said he , ) ( i may ask you a question as well as you me . ) i replyed , that i was cuckold-maker . how can that be like my profession ? quoth he . in this , said i , you dress the skins , and i trim the horns . the bawd at this fell into such an extream fit of laughter , that down fell her pipe , and up came the strong-waters that she had swallowed ; that was not all , but having not her retentive faculty , she let flie : surely she was overcharged , which made her recoyl , and so blew out her breech-pin . she was forced to leave us , and about an hour after returned : how sweet i cannot tell you . we fell into discourse again : i askt her , how long she had liv'd in this house ? two years ( said she ) a longer time than any house i have lived in this twenty years : with that i concluded she was in fee with the justices clerk. my stomach being waterish , i would needs have some eggs and bacon : but lord , what an agony the hearing thereof put the bawd in ! desiring me to desist , for she should die at the sight of them . i askt her the reason : o , said she , it puts me in mind of one shrove-tuesday especially , on which the apprentices pulled down my house ; and sick , sick as i was , pulled me away violently from a caudle i had prepared to comfort me : but they gave me one with a pox to them , and the devils dam take the rotten eggs in it , with which i thought they would have pelted out my brains , after they had dragged me sufficiently , and worried me ( as a mastiff would a cat ) till they were weary of the sport , fearing i should catch cold , they out of pity covered me warm in a bogg-house . but the worst was , after this kinde usage , i was to go through a long street before i could come to an acquaintanee of mine wherein i could safely secure my self from the out-rage of these hell-hounds . all along as i went , a thousand dogs barks at me , the street was filled with people looking and laughing at my sad disaster , but none daring to come near me . they say i left so strong a scent behind me , that several of the inhabitants lift their dwellings upon it , and that the strong savour remained in that place above six days . i seemed to pitty her much , promising to visit her often ; and so we left her . chap. xiii . what a trick he served his comrade ; how himself was trapan'd ; his own cloaths taken from him ; the band out of pretended pity , invested him with an old peticoat and wastcoat ; his admittance into a boarding-school ; his getting many of the gentlewomen with childe ; his discovery , and his flight . from one bawdy house to another , was our dayly travel , still finding out some variety that might please us . about the twylight , coming along by the well built house , i saw a gentlewoman richly attired standing at the door , who , as i passed by , very civily saluted me , and so withdrew her self ; i followed her in , as very well understanding how to interpret such actions . she brought us into a spacious inner-room , and then with much civility and good carrage , invited us to sit down . she called to her servant to bring some bottles of wine , resolving to make us pay dearly for her extraordinary favours . by our habits she took us for no less than persons of quality ; for we had gallantly accoutred our selves ; and i thought that fortune now had designed me her chiefest favorite , in throwing this unexpected blessing upon me . she caused her lute to be brought her , to which she sung so harmonical , that the musick of the spheres are no more to be compared to it , than a scotch bagpipe to an organ . this so intoxicated my comerade , with the wine together ( not but that they had a great operation on my self ) that he fell fast asleep , ( alias dread drunk . ) glad i was to my very heart of this accident , fearing he might be a rival in my intention : and to the intent i might remove all remora's or impediments that might hinder my sole enjoyment of this lady , i consulted with my self what to do with him ; i was not long about it , but streight found out this cunning plot , which was to send him home to his master . love to a woman is so forceable , that what will it not do ? to sum up all , make a man betray his friend . i made my apology to the gentlewoman for his incivility , and requested the favor to have her servant procure me a porter ; whilest she was gone to execute my desires , i searcht his pockets , and took away all his gold ; for we had converted all our money into that mettal , which we always made our vade mecum . to ingratiate my self with this gentlewoman , i acquainted her with my design , which she heartily laughed at . i farther desired of her , that i might have a card and a piece of paper . on the card i wrote a superscription , and pinned it on his back , directing the thing to his master , living in such a place ; with the paper , i wrote a letter to him to this effect . sir , lately i found your goose upon the way , i took him up , as one that went astray . to recompence my pains , i pull'd his feathers , such precious doun will warm me in all weathers . his flesh i love not ; it belongs to you : the gibblets though i keep , and so adieu . i gave the porter instructions , that he should but just put him within the doors and leave the letter , and so with all speed to come away to prevent examination ; he brought me word he had performed my order : what descants were made hereon , i shall leave the reader to imagine . by this time i had gained my mistress with a shower of gold , which had so far prevailed on her , that she protested she was wholly and solely at my devotion . i would have had her to have gone immediately to bed ; but she told me , there would be time enough before morning to sport in , and that we should be both tired , if we went to bed so soon . wherefore to divert our selves , we drunk and sung together in parts , i my self having indifferent good judgment . having spun out the time so long till it was time to go to bed , she then conducted me to the chamber where she intended we should lie . though she made what haste she could to undress her self , yet me thought she was purposely tedious . i commended before her vocal and instrumental musick , but then i esteemed no other musick sweeter than what the tag made against her bodice when she was unlacing her self . about two a clock in the morning , three fellows rushed into our room , at which i awaked , but made as little noise as a perdue . my mistress leaping out of the bed , they seized on her , gagged and bound her ; and then opening the two leaves of the window that was the entrance into the belcony , they came in all haste to the bed , and in a trice , had rowled up the bed so close , that they had like to have stiffled me in the middle on 't , though they dragged me in the bed from off the bedsteed , rudely letting me fall on the ground , yet i felt no harm , every part of me was so well guarded , that in that condition , i might have bid defiance to a canon bullet . but when i heard them talk of flinging the bed over the belcony to their companions , i thought i should have died instantly for fear , knowing i must of necessity go with it . whereupon i cryed out as loud as could , and strugling , i got a little place open and then i roar'd like phalaris his bull. they seeming to be surprized with my unexpected noise , fled , fastning a rope to the belcony , and so slid down into the street . perceiving they were all gone , i groped about the room ( for it was very dark ) speaking very lowly , where are you madam ? repeating it often ; but much wondred i could not hear her answer me . as i was feeling round the room , stretching forth my hands , i chanced to run one of my hands against her , and one of my fingers into her mouth ; i thought my finger had strayed at first mistaken the place , but searching farther , i found teeth , i knew then where about i was , and discovered withal , a stick in her mouth , keeping it wide open , as butchers do their sheep with a gambrel , but having removed this obstacle of her speech , she begged me to untie her hands , which having done , she her self untied her feet ; and with that she would have clasped me in her arms , but i hung an arse , being sensible of the stinking condition that the fear had put me in . she was very inquisitive after my welfare , asking me again and again , whether i had received any harm from the rogues , i told her no : nay , then i care not for my own sufferings , or what loss i have sustained by them , said she , and so speedily went for a candle . as i was thinking to apogiloze for my nastiness , up she came with a light , viewing me , and perceiving what a condition i was in , she kept at a distance ; sir , said she , my fancy 〈◊〉 gests to me , that you now resemble nebuchadnezzar when metamorphozed into a beast , and lying in his own dung ; when you shall have reassumed you humanity , i shall presume to approach nearer to you . i made my sirreverence to her , wishing they had gagged her breech too so wide , that her guts might have a passage through her posteriors . for i plainly perceived , notwithstanding all her specious pretences , she was the foundress of this plot. well , she caused water to be brought up , with which i clensed my self , and because my shirt had too strong a sent of stercus humanum , she lent me a smock , which presaged ere long i should ware coats too . having shifted my self , i looked for my cloaths , but there was a non est inventus out against them , all my search could afford me not the least comfort : my mistress seemed much disturbed at my loss , but when i told her i had lost such a considerable quantity of gold , her sorrow seemed to be redoubled , and i am sure her inward joy was increased . she comforted me with a great many friendly loving expressions , desiring me to be patient , and indeed necessity forced me to it . i asked her advice what i should do in this naked condition , there is no remedy , ( she replyed ) you must be content to cloath your self in womans apparel , as for mans i have none to furnish you withal . i consented to it , and presently she drest me up in one of her gowns , with all the appurtenances thereunto belonging . the slenderness of my body , whiteness of skin , beauty , and smoothness of face ( having no hairs thereon ) added a suitableness to my gath . i must ingeniously confess , when i consulted with a looking-glass , i thought the transmutation of sexes had been verified in me ; but when i walked , i found something pendulous , which easily perswaded me to the contrary belief of my self . i thought it folly to tax her for my misfortune , knowing how little it would advantage me . the time was come i was to take my leave of her , going to salute her , i committed a foul mistake , indeavouring to pull off my hood in stead of my hat , and making a leg ( as the vulgar term is ) in stead of a curchy ; but the advising me to rectifie that mistake for the time to come , we bid each other adieu . in this disguize i traversed , the streets , it being almost impossible for any to discover me , my voice being so effeminate , that i was confident that would never betray me . as i walkt , i consulted with reason , what was most expedient . my invention ( as at all times ) was now ready to assist me ; and thus it was . finding a bill on a door , i knocked , desiring to see what lodgings they had ; i was very civily intreated to come in , and was shown several rooms with much respect , for my female habit was very gallant , and so it had need , for it cost me dearer than so much ●…loath of gold. i pitch'd at last upon a chamber extraordinary well furnished , i never scrupled the pace , ( because they should look on me as a person of quality ) but agreed to my landlords own terms . i told him i was lately come out of the countrey , and that my trunks were not yet arriv'd , with a great many more fictions to prevent suspition . at first i intended to take for no longer time , than i could contrive a way to dispose of my self , and procure mans apparrel ; but perceiving how agreeable my feature , stature and gesture were to my female weeds , i resolved to trie some projects in them . there was a young gentleman that lay in the house , and took special notice of me as soon as i entered it , and as he told me next day , was overjoyed that i had determined to be a lodger there . this young bravo ( which had more money than wit ) had prepared a banquet for me , and requested the favour of me , that it and himself might be received into my chamber , i alleadged i could not do it in point of honour , and therefore desired to be excused ; but he prest me so far ( getting also his landlady to intercede for him , that at last ( though with much seeming unwillingness ) i condescended thereunto . very merry they were , but i thought it prudence to be reserv'd . my amorist so gazed on me , that i thought he would have devoured me with his eyes , kissing me sometimes , which had lik'd to have made me disgorge my stomack in his face . for in my opinion , is it very unnatural , nay loathsome , for one man to kiss another , though of late too too customary i know it is ; yet i look on such as use it , inclining to sodomy , and have had the unhappiness to be acquainted with several , who using that unnatural action , found it onely the procludium to a more beastly intention . in three dayes time we grew so intimately acquainted , that at last he became impudent . one time as i past by him , he catch'd at me , endeavouring to intrude his hand where he had no interest , but he did it so rudely , that i verily thought he had spoiled me ; i believe he imagined that he had caught me by the busk , which some ladies wear very long to hide their rising bellies . i showed my self much displeased at him for so doing , expressing my resentment in imbittered words for so great a crime . next morning , he courted me to a reconciliation with a gold watch , by that he should have been well skilled in gaining female affections ; for there is nothing prevails on them more than presents ; and nothing gains sooner over them a total conquest , than the hopes of enjoying a fair promising fortune . with much importunity i accepted his peace-offering , conditionally , that he should never attempt the like offence . nothing troubled me more , theen how to dress my self when my cloaths were off . i durst not lay two things together , for fear i should mistake , there were so many baubles , i wished for a pen and ink , to write on them what places they properly belonged to . viewing them on the table together , they represented to my thoughts babel , or a greater confusion , and nothing but a miracle could produce order out of them . i had so improv'd my self by hourlypractice , when none was with me , and observation of others , that i had now the knack on 't . i new modelled my steps , my former being too large by three quarters ; i could advantagiously cast my eye , set my face in a plat-form , and dissect my words ; my feet were my only traytors , and therefore i alwayes kept them close prisoners , for their greatness ( like the devils cloven-foot ) proclaimed me the contrary sex i imitated . well , i thought it high time to be gone , not without plucking my widgeon . having a fit opportunity , there being none present but himself and i , i pretended disappointment of mony , and that my rents were not yet due , and therefore desired him to lend me l. for eight days ; at the termination of which time , i should not fail to return it him with gratitude . he was much joy'd , that i would favour him so far , as to accept his service ; and with that flew like lightning , fearing he would have fractured his leg-bone for haste to bring me the money , which i received from him thankfully . i caused a coach to be call'd , pretending i had business into the city . my cully would have waited on me , which i utterly refused , telling him without privacy my affairs would prove ineffectual ; whereupon he desisted . coming into burchin-lane , i went to a salesman , and bought ( pretendedly for my maid ) an ordinary yet handsome peticoat and westcoat , furnishing my self with all the appurtenances requisite for a servant maid . in stead of returning to my lodging , i caused the coachman to drive me to one of the principal nurseries of venus whetstones park . for i lookt upon it as a matter of small import , to take my leave either of my young gallant at home , or my landlord , since i had not left the least mortgage behind me for sleeping . mother cunny ( to tell the truth ) was the nick-name of that corpulent matron , that with much demonstrations of joy , received me into her house ; neither could she forbear expressing her great satisfaction , in that her civil and honest deportment was so generlly taken notice of , as that it should be an inducement to strangers , to shelter themselves under her tutelage , preferring her as a guardian or tutress , before so many throughly tried , and long experienced antient gentlewomen , both in city and suburbs . she highly applauded both the features and complexion of my face , not forgeting the right colour of my hair , which was flaxen ; the stature of my person infinitely pleased her , which was somewhat of the tallest : in short , nothing disliked her , but that she said i lookt as if i had a greater mind to beat , than buss ; and to fight than delight my amoretes with smiling insinuations . i had not been long in her house , before a roaring damme entred the house , ( a constant visitant ) who meeting with my guardian , was informed that there was a rich treasure discover'd in her house and that none should attempt to spring the mine , til he had made entrance by the first stroak . in short he was brought into the chamber where i was , who at first behaved himself indifferently civil , and treated me nobly : but ô heavens ! how great was my confusion and destraction , when strength of arguments and force of hands , would not repel the fury of his lust , and that nothing would serve his turn , but lying with me . i defended my self manfully a long time , but seeing it was impossible to hold out any longer , and that i must be discovered , the next assault he made , forced me to cry out , this so alarumed my gentleman ( concluding this out cry proceeded not from modest and chastity , but out of some trapanning design ) that he drew his sword , & made toward the stair-case , and running down with more 〈◊〉 than good speed , overturned my kind gover●… ( that was puffing up the stairs to my relief ) & so both tumbled down together ; fear had so dispossest this huffling fellow of his senses , that he mistook my old matron for the brava , he thought did usually attend me , and so without once looking behind him , made his escape into the street , leaving the piece of antiquity not so much defaced by time , as by this dismal accident so near extinguishing , that she was half undone in the vast expence of her strong waters , to bring her tongue to one single motion . coming to her self , you may imagine how i was treated by her ; but to be brief , i told her i could not brook such a course of life , wherein all injoyments were attended by ruine and destruction , although habited and cloathed in the seeming ornaments of real pleasure ; adding moreover , that i would speedily leave her house , investing my self with a meaner garb , bestowing those i wore on her in part of satisfaction for what she suffered through my means . this proposition so well pleased her , that i had free liberty to do as i thought most convenient herein . exchanging my fine madamship for plain joanship , my equipage being suitable for service , i resolved to apply my self to a boarding school , and the rather having observed it to be more thronged with beauties , than any other . my address proved as succesful as i could desire , for instantly upon my motion , i was received in as a menial of the house . but when i came to use the tools of the kitchin , i handled them so scurvely , it made those teething giglets my fellow servants , even split with laughter . to add to my misfortune , those varlets one time when we had some meat to roaft , on purpose got out of the way for a while , to see how i could behave my self , and then i did spit the meat so monstrously strange , that coming into the kitchin , they could not tell at first fight what those joynts were called at fire . my actions had proclaimed my ignorance in all domestick affairs , so that my mistress could not but take notice of me ; the result was , that i was altogether unfit for her service , and that she could do no less than discharge me . fearing that my design was now frustrated , and my fair hopes of delight annihilated , could not contain my tears from bedewing my face . my blubberd eyes wrought so powerfully with my mistress , that i judged it now the fittest time in broken accents to molli●…e her anger , and still reserve my place in her service . whereupon i told her a great many formal and plausible lies , well methodized ; that i had all my life time lived in an obscure village , amongst rude and ill-bred people , and therefore knew nothing , that it was my desire to learn , not so much valuing wages as experience , and it was for that intent , i had tendred my service . the good old gentlewoman being much pleased with my freedom , presently ordered the maids that without their grinning and gigleting , they should shew me any thing i understood not . by diligent observing , i gained shortly an indifferent knowledge : though i lay with one of my fellow servants every night , yet i judged it no prudence to discover to her my sex ( though much against the hair ) ill i had by external kindnesses indeared her to me . i went through my business pretty handily , giving a general satisfaction , gaining dayly an interest upon the loves of the young gentlewomen . o the fine inexpressible petulances that dayly , nay , hourly past between me and some or other of them ; and so crafty i was grown that i perfectly did counterfeit a modest maiden . sometimes we would retire three or four of us into a private corner , yet not so obscure but that we intended to be seen by some man or other we had afore discovered ; and then as if affrighted by an unexpected surprize . squeck out , and the with strange haste endeavour to hide our pretended shamefacedness . thusconcurring and suiting my self to their humours , i had all the freedome i could desire . and now thought it high time to handle the matter for which i came about ; for indeed flesh and blood could hold out no longer . one night i perceived my bedfellow could not in the leaft close her eyes , continually fighing and tumbling too and fro , sometimes laying hex leg over me , and at other times hugging me within her arms , as if i had been in a press . at first i thought this commotion or perturbation proceded from sympathy , as questionless in part it did ; for i found experimentally by my self that my heart did beat as if it would have forced its passage through my breast . i thought i could do no less then ask the cause why she was thus restles , at first , sighs were her onely answers , till at last ( i pressing her much ) poor thing she melted into tears . as soon as her eyes had given over deluging , and that her heart would give her leave to speak ; jone ( said she , ( for so i called my self if thou wilt keep my secrets , i will tell thee my whole heart . having promised to do that , whereupon she began thus to related her story . our coachman for several years hath shown me more then common respect , and indeed though i have concealed that affection i ever bore him , yet i could not but now and then give him slight occasions of hope : as the months wherein we lived together added to our age , so did it add true life and vigour to our loves which increased so much and fast , that i could hide mine no longer . but herein consists my misery that our affections aim at different ends ; i fain would marry him ; he is onely for present enjoyment , and finding me obstinate and not in the least yeilding to his amorous solicitations , begins to slight me , and toys with such before my face , that i know will surrender their maiden-forts upon the first summons . now dear joan , let me tell thee , i can hold out no longer but am resolved to give him all the opportunity of privacy i can invent , upon the least motion offered , i will entertain it . i disswaded her from this rash resolution with as much reason as i could utter ; inculcating the danger of being gotten with child , with all its aggravations : that having obtained his ends , his love would be converted into loathing , and he having rejected her as his object , none that knew her would choose her as an object that may make an honest wife ; for who would marry a whore but to entail the pox on his progeny . what ever i alleadged , she valued not . seeing she was full bent , i thought this the critical hour to discover my self to her . come , come ( said i ) i with quickly put you out of conceit with john , and cure this love that so much troubles you ; and so i did , after which i enjoyned her silence ; which i thought she would have done , for her own interest sake ; which she did for a while . i came at length to be very much beloved in general . it was the custome almost every night for the young gentlewomen to run skittishly up and down into one anothers chambers ; and i was so pestered with them , that they would not let me sleep . but i had an excellent guardian in bed with me , that would not let any of them come in to us , resolving to monopolize me to her self . it was good sport to observe how this maid always followed me as my shadow , and whatever i was doing , she would have a hand in it with me . what an endless work we made in making the beds ! our mistress saw her work very much neglected , laying all the blame upon my bedfellow ; and indeed not without cause : for her mind was so employed about thinking on night , that she did little all day ; which my mistress perceiving , turned her away ; which was no small joy to me , if for no other consideration than her extream fondness , which i knew would betray us both in the end . after the departure of my bedfellow , the young ladies pittying my loneness in the night , redrest that solitude by their welcome presence . the first that came had like to have spoiled all by her squeaking , but some of her associates running to know what was the matter , she readily told them she thought there was a mouse in the bed : thus satisfied , they departed , and i enjoyned her as i did the other , silence : but alas ! all injunctions on women to keep a secret , are but as so many perswasions to divulge it . notwithstanding i had so enjoyned her secrecy , yet she made it known to some that she entertained a peculiar respect for , intending they should participate with her in what she enjoyed . this discovery did put me to an extream hard task , i should never have undergone it , had not variety of such sweet smelling rose buds encouraged me . thus frequently each night did i repeat , my uncontrouled passions , and for heat , and active liveliness , i thought that none could stand with me in competition . t was then forgetful wretch , that i a kiss did oft preferr before a greater bliss . what did i care my carnal joys did swell so slighted heaven , and ne're feared hell , but let me henoeforth learn to slight those toys and set my heart upon celestial joys . in the very height of these my jollities , i cou'd not forbear thinking sometimes on my eternal condition , but custome and opportunity had so absolutely inslaved me , that good thoughts which were but seldom , wrought little good effects upon me . but if my souls welfare would not deter me from these soul and wicked acts , yet love to my present mortall condition , compelled me for a while to desist , and by flying those embraces i lately so hotly pursued , shun those complicated mischiefs which were appropinquant , the undeniable effects of my immoderate and distractive wantonness . my approaching danger was too too visible , for i observed that some of the gentlewomen began to find strange alterations in their body , with frequent qual●… coming over their stomacks , which made me sick to be gone , and in this manner i did plot my escape . my mistriss having a son much about my stature , and one time finding a fit opportunity , i got a suit of cloaths of his , with other perquisits which i put on , reassuming my proper shape and habit , and so with flying colours marched off , insulting over the conquest of so many maiden-heads , leaving the quondam possessors thereof to deplore their ensuing misery , and condemn their own rash folly . chap. xiv . what a trick he served a young man of his acquaintance , whom he met withal accidentally ; how he was pinched with hunger , and what wayes he invented to kill it . i made all the speed i could to london , knowing the largeness of that vast city , would afford conveniency for my concealment . but then my cloaths much troubled me , knowing nothing would betray me sooner than they . whilst i was studying all imaginable wayes for my preservation , such an opportunity presented it self that therein it was plainly seen the fates had decreed of old to favour my enterprizes . as i said , walking the streets and ruminating what was best to be done , i met with a young man of my acquaintance , who seeing me , ran and caught me in his arms , and with very much joy we congratulated each other , and so as it is usual when friends meet , we must drink together . over our cups ; i began to inquire after his condition ; he shook his head , and so related to me a sad story , which in effect was to this purpose in his own words . dearest friend , since last i saw you , never was young man so unfortunate as my self , the cause thereof i can impute to nothing more than self conceit , and over much credulity which by the sequel you will plainly understand . for perceiving that my mistress shewing me more then a common respect , i concluded that she had entertained some private favour for me within her breast , so that i began to be puft up with conceit ; neglecting my duty , and now desposing the chamber-maid , who was before the only saint i made nightly my oraizons to ; withall , i carried my self so imperiously , that my master was not very well assured whether he durst command or no. my mistress would sometimes heartily laugh , to see how ridiculous i carryed my self , which i looked upon as a singular favour , mistaking her smiles for tokens of her love . when they were no other than the apparent symptomes of her derision . observing how affable and pleasing she was , i never considered the generality of it , so that my self flattering-noddle supposed this carriage particular to me , and thereupon interpreted this her complacencie strong affection , and by reason she was frequently merry and jocose ; i eoncluded her salacious or lecherous . thus by the false lights of misconstruction and easie belief , i was led into loves laborynth ; my masters affairs was less regarded than my mistress supposed affection . in fine , i judged it absoleutly necessary to make her acquainted with my amorous passion , and no expedient better than by letter . my mistress ( as it is customary with citizens wives , to light the candle of their husbands estates at both ends ) had her country-house , to which i was sent by my master , with some bottles of wine , preparatory for a feast intended for the accommodation of some special friend : arriving , i found my mistress had sent her maid to london about some business , at which i bless'd propitious stars , to direct me thither in such a foriunate and most desired hour . after i had delivered my message , i began to talk very familiar with my mistress , she with a smiling countenance , ask'd ne , what i meant ? not in the least checking my presumption , which made me more arrogant and bold ; telling her , i was her eternally devoted servant ; she answered me . i was bound to be her servant for a time , and that i must , when commanded obey her pleasure : to which last word , i added in my thoughts the epithite venereal , supposing she meant not to have left it out ; with that i replyed , mistress , i should not deem my self worthy to be your servant , if my resolution had not ingaged me to be so perpetually ; as for my affection , it shall dayly anticipate your desires ; you shall not need to lay your commands on me , since my thoughts shall be solely imployed in contriving wayes how we may injoy eath other , to the mutual satisfaction of us both . at which words , she fell into an excess of laughter , ( which i judged the effects of joy ) and then asked me , whither i was mad ? i answered , no ; unless too much love had made me so ; dearest mistress , read but this paper , and i hope that will better inform you . here he stopt , pulling out of his pocket a copy thereof , which was to my best remembrance to this purpose . dearest mistress , frequently revolving in my thoughts , the condition i now am in , despair stands ready to seize me ; but the consideration and knowledge of your commiserating nature , draws me out of its ruinating jaws . when i reflect again on the disparity of our fortunes , and that it is your indentured vassal that thus prostrates his affection at your feet , i fear one blast of your just indignation will suddainly shiprack all my hopes . i confess my error is overmuch confidence , for which i may expect ruine , which commonly attends rash attempts ; especially daring to sail in the narrow seas , without any other pilot than blind love , and if i should arrive at my desired port , i cannot deliver my goods without stealing custome . but waving all difficulties of this nature , consider that love must needs be quintessential , that is not drawn from any other interest than reciprocal enjoyment ; and it must needs be exceeding strong and eminent too , that will force its way through the greatest hazards . signifie my pardon by one gracious smile , for what i have so boldly ( yet forceably ) discovered , and i shall esteem my condition little inferior to what is celestial ; which is no happiness to me without the auspitious beams of your favour shine on me . and so subscribe my self according as your sentence shall be , either the most happy , or most miserable . the verses that were annext to the letter , he told me , he got a rimer to compose for him which afterwards he found stoln out of several authors ; a line out of one , and a half out of another , and so with the course thred of his brain botch'd together ; which were these : cupid did wound my heart ; i hid the grief long time , but durst not seek for your relief ; i found the smart increased on that score , for wounds , if not well search'd , but rankle more , o cure me quickly then , or else i die ; deny not , since there 's none but you and i. i withdrew as soon as i had delivered my paper , giving her leave to read in private , what my love had dictated . about a quarter of an hour after she called me to her , assuring me in a day or two , i should receive an answer to the purpose ; and so absconding her displeasure , she sent me with all expedition home again . after the expiration of three dayes , she came home to her city-house : at night she pretended some indisposition of body , and desired to lie by her self ; which hearing , i thought my joy would prove a traytor to my supposed happiness ; she takes an occasion to tell me , about twelve at night i might come to her bed-chamber , the door whereof she would leave open for me on purpose . in the mean time , she showed my master the letter , acquainting him with the whole business . according to the time appointed , i entered the chamber in my shirt ; approaching the bed , i began to pour out my amorous expressions ; and as i had one leg upon the bed-side , ready to enter the bed , where i thought my mistress had attended my pleasure , i thought the devil had waited on my posteriors , correcting mesor not making more haste . the first lash was seconded with three or four more in an instant , which made me caper up and down so nimbly about the room , that for my life i could not find the door , at last i did , speed was now the onely guardian i had lest , and so without pausing long upon it , i made but one step of the first pair of stairs from top to the bottom , which had liked to have lamed me ; before i could recover my self my master was with me again , which put fresh expedition into me , and so starting up ; i leapt down half the next pair , & tumbled down the rest . by this time he had lost the cord of his whip , and fearing lest he might spoil me with the stick , defisted , bidding me go to bed , lest i should catch cold after so great a heat , and so with two or three parting blows i got into my chamber , where i fell into a deep consulration with my self , the result of it was this ; i took my curtains and sheets , and tied them together ; and then fastned one end thereof to the window ; after this i went our of the window , and so slid , by that time i was within an half story of the ground , the knot of one of the curtains slipt , so that falling from that height , i thought that every bone in my body had been absolutely broken . knowing it was no wayes safe to lie there and cry god help me , i raised my self as well as i could , but i had not walked far , before i found my self in no condition of going , wherefore i resolved to lie under the next stall . as the devil would have it , i found a coblers stall newly broke open that very night , never questioning the place , i crept in , and notwithstanding my bruise by the fall , and whipping besides , i fell fast asleep , so soundly , that i awaked not , till i was forced to it with an horse pox . for the cobler coming to work early in the morning ( according to his custome ) sound his door broken open , with that , he made an hideous noise , crying out , he was undone ; for the day before he had laid out three shillings four pence , which was all his stock in leather ; all which was stoln , with many old shooes , nay his very working implements ; doubtless it was done by one of his own fraternity , that had informed himself of his late great purchase . the cobler entring his stall , found me in one corner fast asleep . he took no other course to awake me , than dragging me by the heels out of my den , into the street , crying out , that he had got one of the rogues , and without any more adoe , sell upon me busseting me with his fist , and treading me underneath his feet , making himself both my judge and executioner : thus you see one mischief attends the others heels . i begged him in a pittiful manner to let me alone , and i would confess to him all i knew , desiring him to go with me to the next ale-house , which accordingly we did . i vowed to him i was no ways accessary to his wrong , informing him as much as i thought convenient of my sufferings , shewing him what a wosul plight i was in ; relating , it was my masters cruelty that was the cause of all this , and no other fault of mine , then staying the last night out a little too long . the cobler seemed to commiferate my misery , asking me forgiveness for what he had done , and so we parted . since by the kindness of a good natured widow ( where i he ) i have recovered my hurts and strength , and now am overjoyed we should so happily meet . after this we drank very smartly , but , i forgot not all this while my design on him . after that i had pitied him , and lamented his sad misfortune , i thought it high time to put my plot in execution , in order thereunto i demanded what difference he would take between my hat and his , his cloak and mine , there being small matter of advantage in the exchange , we agreed to go to handicap . in fine , there was not any thing about us of waring cloaths but we interchanged , scarce had i un-cased my self , and put on my friends cloaths , but in came one that had dogged me , attended by the constable , with a warrant to seize me , who they knew by no other token but my boarding-mistresses sons garments , i had stolen for my escape . they forthwith laid hold on my companion , ( finding them on him ) telling him , he should severely suffer for the wrong he did his mistress , in the abuse of her house . full of horror and amazement , he beseeched them not to carry him before his mistress , knowing how much he had offended her , she would have no mercy on him ; this confirmed their belief , that they had found out the offender . the more he intreated , the more deaf and inexorable were they ; and whilst they were busied about their mistaken criminal-prisoner , i took an occasion to give them the slip , knowing that a little further discourse would rectifie their error ; what they did with him i know not , neither durst i be so inquisitive to understand : wherefore , leaving him to the mercy of such , as would shew but little to him , i shall proceed forwards in my own story . my stock was now very small ; how to increase it , i knew not . my invention was daily on the rack , to find out expedient wayes to supply my necessary expence . but my money being all spent , my belly began to grumble out insufferable complaints against me , seeming to charge me with want of ingenuity & industry , since i injoyed my liberty ; for want that man cannot , which wants not them . alas , what should i do ? i used what means i could , having no better experience . there was not a billiard-table , boards-end , and nine-pin-yard , that i did not daily visit , frequenting such as had the greatest resort : in a short time i learned the art of spunging so perfectly , that i had the title of spung-master general conferred upon me . in those places i learned to take tobacco which was the chiefest part of my food ; living in a manner by smoak , as the camelion by air. i fed so lightly , that i durst not stir abroad in a high wind ; neither durst i fight lest one single stroak should have harzarded my dissolution , continual drinking , had so washed me , that my body was transparent , you might have seen within me ( without dissection ) the motion of the heart ; you could have observed but little as to my liver , it long since had lost its use in the conveyance of the blood , for my stomack had nothing therein contained to supply it , like an inns-a court kitchin out of term-time . in short , i appeared like a walking skeleton , i had several suggestions within me to proffer my self again to my master ; but the shame to be seen in that condition , deterred me ; wherefore , i resolved to weather it out a little longer , and try whether fortune would once more be favourable to me . my cloaths were indifferent good which could not but procure me credit , if i would make experiment . by means whereof i had gotten an handsome lodging chamber . it was a publick house of entertainment , so that have i thought i should have meat , drink & lodging for chalk , and chalk for nothing . i called freely for what was in the house , which was readily brought me ; but when the servants beheld with what cele-●…ity , ( hocus like ) and cleanly conveyance , i had disposed of what was before me , they verily believed in one week , i would cause a dearth in the house if i said , wherefore , one of the servants acquainted her mistress with what she had observed , alleadging farther invectively against me , that i looked like one of those lean beasts which have nothing given them to feed on , but vertuous and honest women ; that she believed i was the genius of some hunger-starved wretch , or a shaddow without a substance , ( which was very true as to my pocket . ) which i thought it was time to go to bed ; i call'd for a candle not mattering whither i called for a reckoning . but my landlady did ; for said she , sir , it is our custome to reckon with our lodgers every night what they have that day , and once a week to discharge their lodging . in truth i did intend to have discharged my self of it before the week had been out . i knew not what at present to answer her , but i was seldom to seek in such cases . i desired her to be content for that night , on the morrow i would have my trunks brought to her house ; making it my quarters for some time ; and that she should find me a boon companion , drinking freely : i believe so , she said , you will be here for some time or may be you will make this your refuge or sanctuary for one night ; and then you say you will drink freely too , give me leave to tell you , you meant at free cost . sir , give me my reckoning now , or you shall have no lodging here this night . do you suspect me landlady , said i ? respect you , said she , ( mistaking the word ) for what grounds unless i knew you better ? and yet i doubt i shall know you too well . that 's a good one indeed , respect a skinfull of bones ; a bag of chessmen ; a bundle of small faggot-sticks . why , thou haberdasher of small wares , dost thou think i will respect thee other ways than for thy moneys ; unless i should be so mad as to fall in love with famine , come give me my reckoning first , and i shall talk with you in another dialect ; if not , i shall set my currs at thee ( the tapster and hostler ) that shall worry thy gibb'd catship . hearing her say so , and thinking the passage had been clear , i betook my self to flight , but running throw the entry , iran my belly directly against the tapsters leg , that lay over the bench on which he slept . iran so siercely , that i shoved his head so violently against the board rais'd at the end of the bench , that i made his neck double ; the knock likewise had like to have turn'd that little brains he had within his head . as for my own part , i thought that his foot had run quite into my belly , and that pulling it out he had left his shooe behind . before i could rise , i had three or four about me which i thought would have limbed me as boys falling out , do their cocks on shrove-tuesday . at that time i would have spared them one limb , provided that would have contented them . but there was no mercy to be had at their hands , especially the shrill note of their mistresses perpetually moving tongue , sounding a charge in their ears . being tyred with me , they would be revenged of my cloaths . they would have stript me ( i think stark naked ) for my reckoning , but that one said , let his cloak suffice ; at which , another pulled so furiously at it , that miraculously , without renting that thin transparent garment , he got it all but the cape . in this condition i was brought before my new landlady ; i asked her what was to pay ? sirrah ( said she ) more then thou hast in thy pooket ; ( s. d. ) as well as i could speak , i demanded how it came to be so much . why , ( said she ) there is for beef s. for bread d. six pipes of tobacco , and three pots of ale , all this thou hadst in less then half an hour . i would not contradict her , though i knew it was near an hour , i desired her to keep my cloak for the reckoning , but durst not threaten her for her abuse . being about hay-making time , i walked out in to the fields , resolving to spend that night in contemplation . i had now time to consider the damage i sustained in this skirmish : they had carried away all my ribbands with their fingers , otherwise my cloaths received the least harm . my nose resembled a black pudding before it is boyled , and my eyes were fled into my head for fear of such melancholy meat . my cheeks were so puft up with swelling pride , that they were resolved to close up the portals of my opticks , that they might not be eye witnesses of the height of their ambition . my ears were so maulled with their fleshy hammers , that i heard a peal within my head for joy , i suppose that my eyes had taken up their residence with my brains . at last i felt something about my shoulders ; at first i thought it had been the weight of the blows , but feeling , found it a part of my friend that still hung about my neck , and would not leave me ; which put me in minde of that faithful cloak that would never leave its master , although his master had attempted all ways imaginable to leave it . i must needs say , i loved my cloak so well , as that it grieved me much to be compelled to part with it . it had been a servant to servants , ever since the setting up of the first billiard-table , whence it deriv'd its pedegree . being deprived of its imployment , and dispossest of its antient habitation , its heart strings were ready to break , and being not able to take a nap for grief , turned changling . the young man i had it of , told me , that from the fifteenth successively , it was descended to him ; but they were unworthy to him , that having had his best days , would turn him off in his extream old age . i have him so fresh in my memory , that i cannot but condole his loss . cloak , if i may so call thee , though thou art thus ravish'd from me , don't abruptly part . thou didst not take distaste , a●…●…o art gon , cause once i call'd thee a meer hauger on . 't was but in jest ; for had i now my will , i 'de have thee for to hang about me still . now i may tax thee justly , for i see that new th' art nothing else but levitie ; nay when i had thee scarcely did i know , sometimes whether i had thee on or no. thou wert so thin , and light , that some have thought thee made of that same web arachne wrought , and say th' art useless now , unless men put thee like a cohweb to a finger cut . i love thee still for better and for worse ; he that divorc'd us let him have my ourse . sure'twas a red nos'd fellow , for i know , he coming near , it was but touch and go . but let him keep thee , for thou'lt useless be to him ; thick cloaths suits best with knavery . day appearing i got me a stick out of a hedge , and so walked in querpo into the city . i walked up and down , but met with none of my acquaintance on whom i might fasten on as a bur . noon approaching , my belly began to chime , i thought all the meat in east-cheap , would not lay that spirit hunger had raised within me . coming by a bakers shop , i pretended to be ignorant of the city , and as i was asking him the way to such a place , not caring what . i happily secured a penny loaf ; which i carried off undiscovered ; i thought it not good to cumber my pocket with it , wherefore at two bits i gave it my belly to carry . surely at that time i had an ostriches stomack ; every thing i put into my mouth , passed through me like quicksilver . going a little farther , i came to an ordinary , where i saw two sitting in a lower room expecting their meat , i sate me down in the next little box to them . immediately there was brought to them powdred beef and turnips ; the young man that served them , came to me , demanding what i would have , i bid him let me alone and not speak too loud , for those two which were next me , were my very good friends , and i would startle them by and by with my unexpected appearance , at which he left me . finding my opportunity , i slipt my hands through a whole , in the form of an heart , which was in the partition that divided us , and laying hold on the turnips , i spake aloud , you hoggs are ye at the roots , i will make one one among you instantly , and so brought out my handful ; having devoured them in a trice , i presentted my self to their view , and sate down with them : gentlemen , said i , excuse my frollick i am in a merry humour to day . they concluded what i said , to be a truth , and bad me welcome . nay , said i , my meat will come instantly as a supply ; and so it had need , for we made a clear board immediately . seeing this , they called the boy , taxing him for sloth , that he did not bring my meat . sir , said he , the gentleman did not order me to bring any ; at which they frownd , and began to charge me with incivillity . what are ye angry , said i ? to which they replied , affirmatively : if so , i answered , ( laying my hand upon a full pot of ale ) i value your anger no more than the drinking this pot , which i swallowed at two gulps , and so bid them f●…rewel leaving them to call for another ordinary . chap. xv. how he had like to have been transported , being taken up by a kid-napper , vulgarly called a spirit . having satisfied my stomach , i walked along with much more courage than before , which had been to little purpose , had i not had a stick in my hand : for there was hardly a dog in the street ( which i went through ) that gave me not his grinning salutation , and would when my back was turned ( knowing else i would never have suffered their humility ) have kist my very heels , had not my stick prevented their snearing dogships mouths . i have wondred often why doggs will bark so incessantly at the sight of a tinker , pedlar , tom-a-bedlam , nay , any suspitious fellow , till i found it my self by experience , that by natural instinct , they know and hate the scent of a rogue . my course of life appeared so idle ( by my lazy stalking and gaping this way and that , sometimes standing still and seriously viewing what deserved not a minutes observance ) that the beadle took hold on me , telling me it was great pitty that such a lusty young man should want imployment , and therefore would help me to some : but understanding from him that it must be in bridewell , my leggs failed me , shewing thereby how unwilling they were to be accessary to the punishment which would be insticted on my back : at length by pitiful looks and many intreaties , i got clear of him , but fell immediately foul with an evil spirit , or a seducer of persons to the indies . well may he be called a spirit , since his nature is like the devils , to seduce any he meets withal , whom he can perswade with allurements , and deluding falfities to his purpose . after he had asked me many impertinent questions , he invited me to drink with him ; i ingeniously told him i had not a penny , otherwise his motion would be acceptable to me . at which he cast up his eyes to heaven , and laying his hands on his breast , alas poor young man , said he , what pitty it is such a lusty fellow as thou art shouldst want money ; which argues thou art both destitute of friends , and an imployment also . well , i 'le say no more for the present , but before we part i 'le study some way or other for thy advantage , which i shall do meetly out of commiseration to the miserableness of thy condition , as also out of respect to thy father , whom i am confident i have heretofore known , by the resemblance thou bearest him in thy countenance . i could but smile to my self to hear how this rascal dissembled ; not discovering my thoughts , i willingly went with him to drink , resolving to see what the event would be ; after he had paused a while , well , said he , i have found it . there is a merchant an intimate friend of mine that wants a store house-keeper ; now if you can cast accompts ever so indifferently , you shall find oncertainment form him , and l. per annum for encouragement . i told him that i joyfully accepted his kind proffer , and that i should refer my self to be disposed of , as he should think fit . with that he imbraced me , saying , within two days i should go aboard the ship where the merchant was , who would go along with me to virginia ( where he pretended the merchants plantation lay ) in the mean time , you shall go along with me to my house where you shall be , and shall recieve from me what your necessities require . i had heard before , how several had been served in this kind , so that being forewarned , i was fore armed , premonitus , premu●… he carried me away presently to wapping , and housed me . to the intent he might oblige me to be his , he behaved himself extraordinary friendly , and that he might let me see that he made no distinction bdtween me , and his other friends , he brought me into a room where half a score were all taking tobacco the place was so narrow wherein they were , that they had no more space left , than what was for the standing of a small table . methought their mouths together resembled a stack of chimneys , which in a manner totally obscured by the smoak that came from them ; for there was little discernable but smoak , and the glowing coals of their pipes . certainly the smell of this room would have out-done assae foetida , or burned feathers in the cure of ladies troubled with the fits of the mother . as to the sight , the place resembled hall , so did it likewise as to itsscent , compounded of the perfume of stinking tobacco and tarpawlin . so that i concluded the resemblance most proper . in hell damn'd souls , fire , smoak , and stink appear . then this is hell , for those four things were here . i was seated between two , lest i should give them the slip . after i had been there a while , the cloud of their smoak was somewhat dissipated , so that i could discorn two more in my own condemnation : but alas poor sheep , they ne're considered where they were going , it was enough for them to be freed from a seven years apprenticeship , under the tyranny of a rigid master ( as they judged it , coming but lately from sucking the breasts of a too indulgent mother ) and not weighing ( as i know not how they should ) the slavery they must undergo for five years , amongst brutes in foreign parts , little inferior to that which they suffer who are gally-slaves . there was little discourse amongst them , but the pleasantness of the soyl of that continent we were designed for , ( out of a design to make us swallow their gilded pills of ruine ) and the temperature of the air , the plenty of fowl and fish of all sorts , the little labour that is performed or expected having so little trouble in it , that it rather may be accounted a pastime than any thing of punishment ; and then to sweeten us on farther , and they insisted on the pliant loving natures of the women there ; all which thy used as baits to catch us silly gudgeons . as for my own part i said but little but what tended to the approbation of what they said . for all my aim ( as i related before ) was to understand the drift of this rogue , and then endeavour to get what i could from him . by this time supper was talkt of by our masters ; so choice they were in their dyet , that they could not agree what to have . at last one stands up and proclaiming silence , said , that a dish of bruiss was the most princely dish of any . and to tell you truly , by his looks , i thought he had been begot just as his mother had put a sop into her mouth , of that stomach murdring stuff , the grease running about her chops , which pleasing her fancy , struck so deep an impression in the imagination upon her conception , that the face of that thing she brought forth , lookt much like a toast soaking in a cooks dripping-pan . that he might perswade the rest , this way to indugle his appetite , he added farther , that it was a dish would not be expensive , and soon ready . my landlady to back him on , said , she had some skimmings of the pot , which she had been collecting these three moneths , some whereof the questioned not but to procure , and let her alone to order it so , that we should say we never had a better dish aboard in our lives . another contradicting him , preferred a bowl of pease pottage before the cheifest meat whatever , that he could never look into the pot and see them boyl round , but that his heart leapt within him , and kept time with their motion . my master ( that was their senior ) scorned to be controlled in his fancy ; and therefore positively determined to have some poor john , swearing that the great mogul did eat nothing else thrice a week , and that atabalipa ( that indian king whom cortex conquered ) caused a sacrifice every day to be made of them to his idol , commanding them to be laid on an altar made of some coals of fire , then the fat of some beast rubbed thereon , ( because they had no butter ) and so presented to the idol , afterwards to the king which he did eat with inexpressible satisfaction . order was given that this delicate fare should be provided . though they did beat it most unmercifully , yet it would not yeild , resolving rather to be broken in peices , then to become unlike it's masters , or shew any thing of a tendure nature . there was one al otted me for my proportion , which i used as they had done , laying it on the coals a little while , and so committing it to my teeths disposal . i never found till now that my teeth could be thus shamefully bastled . they made several assaults upon it to little purpose . my teeth at length s●…aring a total conquest , desperately and inragedly seiz'd on the thinnest and weakest part and holding it as fast as a vice , at last in the conflict overpowred one small steak , but not being able to stay the swift backward motion of my head , the hinder part thereof ( the feat of memory ) flew so violently against the wall , that i not only instantly forgot what i was doing where i was , but the pain then i sustained by the knock : strong-water they poured down my throat to revive me , but there was nothing did sooner fetch me then a small fleak of the poor john , which sticking in my throat had well nigh choaked me , which caused a strugling ' and summoned the spirits together to oppose what might be destructive to nature . now did i really imagine my self at sea , where , for want of provision , i was forced to feed on cordage , or the ship sides . had this poor creature been ground small , i might have made as hard a shift to have swallowed it , as those sea-men did the saw-dust of deal boards coming from norway , and destitute of other food . that night i slept but little , neither could i , had i swallowed opium for that purpose , for the innumerable quantity of buggs ( as some call them ) that had invaded my body ; being weary ( as i suppose ) of inhabiting any longer the dry mansion of that old rotten bed-stead on which i lay . in the morning i found the ruins of a looking glass in the window , which i took up to discover what knots or nodes those were i felt orespreading my face . the sigh : whereof struck into me a pannick fear , verily believing i had been infected with the spotted leaver . i began to curse the bed and sheets , imagining the contagion proceeded from them ; to be satisfied herein , i drew aside at the beds feet , the curtain ( that is to say part of tilt a ) pinned there to keep the wind off , which otherwise would have fanned us to death , coming in so furiously through the port cullise of the window : ( for glass there was little ) at first sight i questioned whether i was not lately risen from the dead , since there was visibly before my eyes , the black cloath that covered my herse . had not we gone to bed without a candle over night , i should sooner have chosen a bulk than this bed to lye on . it might have been a good quaere , whether those sheets had ever been washt since their weaving and continually since imployed by whores and bawds , successively to sweat out their contagious humours , and matter proceeding from their ulcerated bodies . my pretended friend perceiving my amazement , bid me be of good courage , for those marks in my face , were only occasioned by a stinking sort of vermine , who seldome meddle with such as are accustomed to them , only giving their welcome to such as were new-comers . i took these sufferings as patiently as i could ; but thinking it was an ill coming for me to either of them ; and it should not be long before i would take my farewell . we had scarce breakfasted , before a messenger came into the room , and with much seeming respect pretended to deliver a message to my friend . i ghessed it was to inform him how the tyde served , and so it proved . my friend told me we must be gone instantly , for the merchant attended my coming wherefore we presently went down to the stairs to take boat , by the way he told me , that he would go with me in the same ship , and take as much care of me as he would of his own son , whom i understood afterwards he had too sure , ●…bove a year since stoln away , and sold him as a slave . one while thought to have ran for it , another time i thought to have cryed out , a spirit , a spirit , but that the thought of the water-men , being his accomplices deterred me . i was at my wits end , not knowing what to do . coming into the boat , being now destitute of all relief , i asked him according to his former pretence , whether he resolved to go to se●… with me ? yes , replyed he . i question , sir , ( said i ) whether you ever told a truth in your life , but i am resolved you shall now , and with that i flung my self with him over-board . those which were in the boat , immediately endeavoured at our rising to pull us up into the boat : but i clapping my hands unfortunately on the side of the boat on which they within leaned i overturned it upon me . the first thought this accident produced in me , was that a whale had swallowed me , and that i was in the dark concave of his belly : or that death had arrested me ; and claped me up a close prisoner for my sins , in hell's deep and black dungeon . but by the industry and expedition of many water-men , eye witness of this passage , ( which had like to haved proved tragieal ) the boat was recovered , and i the first person taken up and set on shore . multorum manibus grande levatur onns . many hands make light work . i neer staid to see what was become of my good friend , ( a pox take him but with what speed i could , attended with a great number of little hooping onlets ( i mean the young try of scullars ) i secured my self from this anthropopola , or man seller : a charitable woman seeing me in this pickle , ( for it was salt water , which my sous'd guts , may testifie if they please , in their grumbling manner of speaking ) told me that she would entertain me till to morrow . this was the greatest cordial could be applied to this gross , without many complements , i thanked her for her great love , now because she saw what condition i was in , she immediately put me to bed chap , xxvi . how under the pretence of begging , he stole cloak . and with that went to a gaiming ord●…nary ; what a bold adventure he made there and the success thereof . parting from this good woman , i began to think that the art of stealing might be reckoned amongst the liberal sciences ; for though it may be called an handicraft , yet it cannot be looked on as mechanick . this is the art , the right practice whereof is the true philosopher's stone , the elix●… of life ; with which many turn poyson into medicine , coarse cloath into cloath of gold , hunger into fulness and satiety , convert rags into satins ; and all this done by a quick wit , and slight of hand . the antiquity and dignity of this profession , i shall relate elsewhere , and shall proceed on in my adventures . the evening or twi-light being come , i chanced to look in at a door , and perceiving none at hand i went in boldly , resolving if i met any to beg an almes of them , having before premeditated what i had to say , viz , that i was a poor distressed young gentleman , my father , mother , nay , all my relations i knew , being dead , and that not knowing what to do , was forced ( under the covert of the night ) to beseech the assistance of charitable minded persons . but in my way found none that should occasion my using this form . i found in the parlor a good camlet cloak , which i made bold to put on , and so very gravely walked out of the house ; but coming to the door , you must think there was wild-fire in my breech , that hastned me out of the street . being gotten a bow shot off , i thought my self indifferent secure , so that i slackned my pace , but could not ( if my life lay on it ) forbear looking this way , that way sometimes over one shoulder , sometimes over the other , thinking of what dangerous consequence this might prove ; i resolved to walk more confidently , and not let my eyes discover any thing of fear , by reason of guilt . this loose garment had so of a sudden metamorphosed those thoughts i had of my self but a little before , my eye being continually on my cloak , i could not conceit my self less then the best of the young templers , that walk the streets to show themselves : coming into bell-yard , i observed several gallants go into an house , and others to come out , which put me to the curiosity of enquiring , what , or whose house it was : who told me it was a gaming ordinary ; nay , then ( thought i ) it is as free for me to enter as others and so went in , i looked on a while , but my fingers itched to be at it . why , thought i , have i not adventured a gaol , a whipping , or an hanging , and shall i now fear a kicking , a pumping , or a bog-house . these considerations made me resolutely take up the box , and i threw a main , which was , a great deal of money was presently set me , i knew it was but to little purpose to baulk them , so that confidently i threw at all , which i nicked with eleven , and so continued holding seven hands together . perceiving i had got a considerable quantity of money , and fearing i might loose that which i had so boldly adventured for , i thanked my propitious stars and the gentlemen , who had rather lose their money than suspect any that hath the garb of one well extracted , and so bad them good night . a priviledge too many sharking ubiquetarians use without interruption , being most commonly in fee with the waiters and boxskeepers , who will be sure to speak in the behalf of such confident cheats , if they lose , pretending great knowledg of them , that they are men of repute , civil and responcible , which frequently so prevails upon a mouth , that he hath not a word to say more , questionless ordinaries were first impartially founded , interdicting all play but which was upon the square ; but since , by the connivance of the box-keepers , when the table grows thin , and few at it , let the stranger beware , for the box-keeper shall walk off , pretending some speedy dispatch of a business concerning the house of office &c. whilst your antagonist shall put the change upon you , or make use of his own jack in-a-box , and then had you . ( would you let like a gam●…ster ) he will have it to a penny in a short while : with whom the waiter goes snips . if at any time such they know want an high flyer &c. they know how , and when to supply him . full fraught with this good fortune , and so laden i was ready to sink , i resolved to moor my vessel in the next harbour . the landlord whence i came , was very loath to entertain me , his lodger having served him a scurvy trick the night before conveighing out of the window the furniture of a room that cost him . besides a great silver tanker , which the gentleman would have filled with stale beer and sugar , to stand by his bed side all night pretending it was his custome . but i desiring him to lay up a parcel of money for me till the next morning , quite put out the eye of his jealousie . i shewed my self that night very exceeding noble , concealing my success at play , that he might conclude the greatness of my expence , proceeded from the nobleness of my nature , having a good estate to back it . i was conducted to bed with many ceremonies , and abundance of respect ; sleep i could not , for thinking how to dispose of my self , i had experimented the various exigences and extremities an unsetled condition is accompanied withall , and knowing how securely i could purloin from my master , if i would moderate my theft ; i concluded to supplicate my master , by a letter for my reception into his service not forgetting my mistresses quondam kindnesses . if my master should refuse to re entertain me , i had by me what might supply my necessities ; till i had re-considered how to improve my stock , or bestow my self . not to delay time the next day i wrote him this letter . sir , having seriously considered the greatness of my folly in running from so good a master , ( whom i may more rightly intitle father ) with tears i beg mercy from heaven , and forgiveness from you . mitigate my offence by revolving in your mind the fewness of my years , which makes me ( as it doth most others ) prone to rambling fancies , look then favourably on my long absence from you , as a meer exiliency ; a youthful elapse , which maturity of age may rectifie . if you can forgive my follies , i will study to forget them , and daily endeavour the propagation of my fedility in the remainder of my time . by the bearer hereof you may signifie your pleasure . sir , i am your cordially penitent servant , &c. with much joy my master read this letter , and hastened the bearer away to bring me to him . having converted my silver into gold , sowing it in my collar and wastband , and putting my self into a garb convenient for his sight , i went to him . chap. xxvii . his master sheweth him more kindness than formerly ; the ill requital he made him , by cuckolding him , an accident that fell out thereupon , which produced two remarkable stories , deduced from the strength of imagination . my master upon my reception , told me he had freely forgiven me , and if that i would henceforward endeavour the prosecution of a more regular course of life , he would forget too my past follies , i promised him more then the strickest zelot ever yet did , and beged him pardon aforehand , if he found a defect in performance . as my expressions gave my master much content so my return ( i perceived by my mistresses eyes ) gave her the greatest satisfaction . my master began to doat on me again , seeing i daily trebled my deligence , and so active i was in every thing , that concerned his affairs , that it was hard for any to anticipate me in my intention . this gained so much upon his facile good nature , that i had liberty to wear my hat , and sit at table with him , neither would be command me any thing servile . i had ( as formerly ) the same sollicitations from my brother snippers , but fearing least one time or another i might be snapt by the timerous nature of some , who , if once taxt , will confess , not only as to themselves , but likewise detect the whole knot of a brother-hood ; i resolved to have no more to do with them , but would snip securely by my self , knowing , that in any secret design , if many are concerned , their business cannot be long kept private . wherein by the way , i cannot but commend the craft and policy though i absolutely disclaim the actions of modern padders , whose providence instructed them to rob singly , by which means their booty came to them intire without distribution , or if apprehended ( as it was very rare ) they knew how to make a better plea for themselves in a court of judicature . i now kept close to my business , not barbouring the least temptation to any extravagancy , & had sequestred my self from what might render me publickly notorious , and only studied by what means i might raise my fortune intending to build my future estate upon the ruine of other men ; having nothing of mine own but my late purchase at play , my only way was ( as i thought by some's success therein ) to make the world believe i was really reformed , and so create to my self a credit , whereas i was only a divil converted to an angel of light , or a vvoolf in sheeps cloaths . now did i begin to cant religiously , and not omit one sabbath wherein i did not take sermon notes , judging this religious cloak to be the best expedient to screw my self farther into my mistresses favour , who doted on morning ex●…rcises , and monethly fasts , if my master had forgot to the duty of the day , i would with much respect put him in mind of the neglect , desiring that i might repeat what had been delivered . as they looked upon my conversion more miraculous then that of s. paul , so they gave me the greatest incouragement , least like weak women , i might prove a back-slider . there were few private meetings my mistress heard of , but , by the leave of my master , i must conduct her to them , which were as many portents of our private meetings afterwards , where venus should appoint . i am sorry that i am so uncharitable as to say that the zeal of her spirit was not so hot as that of her flesh , every day i had some remark of her love , w●… i received with much submissive respects , pretending i understood not her meaing , which added but fewel to the blazing flame of love within her . 〈◊〉 could not be ignoront , that since she began to court me , she would prosecute it to the end . her courtship me-thought was very preposterous , she might have first received the charge from me , and by that means she would have found me prepared , whereas otherwise she might have been deceived in her expectation . my mistriss gave me so many opportunities , and signified her desires by so many tokens and dumb expressions , that i began to condemn my fears , which rendred me unworthy of her favours the besieger deserves not the honour of possessing that city , whose gates are freely opened to him , yet dares not enter . whilst i was thus ruminating , my mistriss came to the counting house were i was writing , and leaning upon my shoulder , asked me what i was doing , i told her nothing ; but writing . nothing , i believe said she , nor never will do any thing , but draw up blanks , and so abruptly left me . she knew the quickness of my apprehension , and so left the interpretation hereof to my own construction . not long after , ( thinking her words had left a deep inpression , ( as they did ) and withall concluding i would give her the sence of them , when i had an opportunity ; she informs my master that she had a g●…eat desire to visit a gentlewoman , she had not seen a long time , and requested that her man thomas ( for that was my name ) might wait on her , to which he assented . though i l●…d her , yet i wondered were she led me , through one street into another till we arrived at the water-side . she bid me call for a pair of oars , which i accordingly did . the water-men were very inquisitive according to their custome , to know whither we intended . well , well , said she , put off , and then it will be time enough for you to understand . said she , row us up to fox hall . i for my part was somewhat amazed , yet i partly guessed at what the drove at . i kept at a distance , shewing her the respect of a servant , which she taking notice of , laughed , saying , come cuz , why dost not sit neerer ? to which i replyed as familiarly ( for by this time i had much improved the stock of my confidence ) i were best to sit a little neerer you , since i shall be the best expedient to ballance the boat even , or trim it , for you are but light on your sides . this expression i doubt netled her , for presently thereupon she shot a peircing dart from her eye ( which i fancied to have penetrated my very soul ) how now cuz , said she , i thought you had a better opinion of me , i understand the riddle , your expression may be very dark to some , however i have too much light in it . i would have made an apology for my self , but that she hindred me by whispering me in the ear , to this effect that if she was light there was no other cause but my self , and that if i abused her love any longer , she would sit the heavier on my skirts . landing , we went streight to spring-garden , by the way she told me , i must lay aside all formallity , and for the better carrying on the design we went upon , she would have me as afore assume the title of cuz . we were conducted into an obscure bower , i suppose one of loves chappels of ease , where , without a clew , it would be hard for any to find us . there was not any thing wanting that might delight the appetite , which with much freedom we enjoyed together . now , said my mistress , i shall take off the veil of my modesty , and discover to thee the very naked secrets of my heart . the first time that ever i saw thee , i had more then a common respect to thee , and there was not a time since , wherein i had the sight of thee , but that it added new fewel to the flame of my affection : i used all possible means to smother or blast it in the bud , but could not : i summoned my reason to confute my passion , and notwithstanding , i alledged that there was a disproportion in our age , and unsuitableness as to our condition ; and lastly how great a stain it would be to my religious profession ; yet love got the victory over these , and would have been too strong for ten times as many ; the rest she supplyed with kisses , which were infinite . having gained a little breath , and she again having lent me the use and disposal of my own mouth i returned to this her am●…r us oration something suitable to it by way of retalliation ; protesting with invocations , that since she had so compleated my happiness by her love , i would perish before i would be guilty of the least abuse therein . that had it not been for the sense of my unworthiness , and fear of hazarding her love , and so gained her displeasure , no other difficulty should have deterred me from declaring , and discovering what she had prevented me in , adding , that where the quintessence of all loves contracted into one body it could not equallize mine . come , said she , let us leave of talking in such idle phrases , let future constancy make apparent the reallity of our affections , and let us not loose any time wherein we may mutually enjoy each other . it is but a folly for me now to mince the matter , or by my coldness endeavour to recongeal that water where the ice , is too too visibly broken and thaw'd . yet let not your prudence be questioned , or reason forfeited , in making any unhandsome advantage of this my freedom . but above all , blast not my reputation by the unsavory breath of any ostentations , boasting of a gentlewomans favours , nor let not my love cause any slighting or disrespect in you to your master , neither let it so puffe you up with pride , as to contem your fellow servants . in company , shew much more reverence to me than formerly . in private , when none sees us but our selves , be as samiliar and free as actions can demonstrate . be constant to me alone for true love will not admit of plurality . be secret and silent , and follow not the common practise of vain-glorious fools , that in requital of those favours they have received in private of some credulous female , will make their braggs of them in publick . as if it were not enough for them to rob them of their chastities , but must likewise murther their reputations . have a special care you slight me not , ( as some squeamish or curious stomacks use feeding too long on one sort of food , though never so delicious ) for a womans love despised , will turn into extreme hatred , and will be ever restless till malice and revenge have consulted with invention , how to be more then even with the slighting injurer . she propounded more articles , which i have forgot now , but i remember i sealed them without a witness . we made an end of our business for that time , with much expedition , to the intent the tediousness of our staying might not be suspected by the ignorant cuckold at home : i have reason now for so calling him . coming home , i applyed my self to the business of the shop as before , enjoyning my eyes a severe penance , not so much as to look towards that object they so dearly loved . according to my usual time i went to bed , but sleep i could not , for thinking on what i had done . about one a clock i was much startled , to bear something come into my chamber ; but before i could give my eyes the liberty for a discovery , my mistress had gotten within the sheets , and not daring to speak , because my master lay in the next room , most commonly by himself , and her chamber was the next to that , ( and in a trundle-bed underneath my mistress's bed lay the maid . ) neer upon day-break my sweet bed-fellow left me , at an unhappy time , for then was my master awake , which might have ruined us both , which had so faln out , had he been resolute or couragious ; but on the contrary , exceeding timerous , but more especially , childishly afraid of the supposed walking of spirits : for hearing the boards crack twice or thrice , with the weight of her body ; besides , by the help of star-light , perceiving something to move all in white , he shrunk underneath the cloaths , not daring to put out his head ; now did his imagination work as strongly almost as his breech , suggesting strange and ridiculous things to his fancy . but i shall give him leave to tell his own story . a little after it was day , being almost stifled for want of fresh air , & choak'd with the stink that was in the bed , he boldly and valiantly put his head out of the coverlid , & after he had thrice exorcis'd the devil , or the supposed evil spirit , with avoid satan , repeating as often that scriptural sentence , resist the divil and he will flye from thee : he called out as loud as he might for me to come to him . i leapt out of bed , and ran to him , asking him what was the matter : o thomas , said he , light a candle quickly ; i running in haste to light the candle , fell ( by mistaking the first step ) down the stairs , which made a terrible noise : my master hearing me , cry'd out , ( saying , o god , what will become of me ? ) thinking the devil indeed had mistook me for himself , and that he was horsing me on his back to carry me away ; with that he fell to prayer so servently loud , that upstarts the mistress , and the maids , running to know what was the matter : fear had so possessed him , that he could not be perswaded , but that they were some of the devilish crew . at first they thought him to be fallen mad ; but finding out the cause of this distraction , with much ado my mistress made him sensible of his mistake . being fully assured , that they were not ( yet ) damned spirits , he relates what he had seen , in this manner : my mistress afterwards told me , that had it not been for laughing , which so busied her , that her sense of smelling for that time had left her , she could never have endured to hear him out , for that notorious stink , which came from the bed , when he stirred ever so little . i wonder'd , said he , that contrary to my usual custom , i awak'd about four a clock , whereas i used to sleep soundly , thou knowest till eight . i hearkned , at first i perceived onely the boards to crack , but presently after i heard chains rattle , and the stools flung about the room , the bed , and i in it , danced up and down , as if a scotch bag-pipe had been plaid upon by a northern witcb , and the devil the while had danced with me , and the bed a morrice , ( supplying the bellows with wind . ) sometimes they pull'd me out of bed , and laid me on the cold floor , and then tost me in again like a dog in a blanket . hearing no noise , i attempted to peep out ; but scarcely had mine eyes recovered the top of the bed-cloths , when i saw standing by me , a composition of meer bones , with a shrowd thrown over his shoulders , like an irish brachin , or a scotch pladd , with a light taper in one hand ( i knew not what use he could make of it , for there were onely holes in his head instead of eyes ) and an hour-glass in the other : he grinn'd at me with his teeth , ( for he had no lips ) and shaking his chains left me , which fight so terrified me , that i had like to have shot out ( like a pudding in a bag ) all that was within me . my mistress had like to have broken out into extreme laughter , had not the consideration of danger ( that might have ensued thereon ) hindred her . after this , it was a long time before he would be perswaded to lie in that chamber again , which made me curse his strong conceit , for by this means he would lie with his wife , which interrupted our sweet venereal pastime . as for my part , i believed he would never have return'd to his own chamber again , for he trembled when he past through it in the day time ; and if alone , he would so thunder down the stairs ( fear giving wings to his feet ) as if ( vulcan-like ) he had been sent by jupiter head-long in a message . another accident ( hapning not long after ) cur'd him in part of his ridiculous belief , grounded on nothing else but fancy : in the sellar , on a certain beam that went cross , there were great quantity of tenter-hooks placed there , some to hang meat on , others of a smaller sort for other uses . our cat being somewhat ravenous , was following the scent , and had gotten upon the beam ; her foremost feet slipping , she was strangely caught by the tail , and not able to recover her self : being terribly pained by the hook , she made a most hideous noise , which made our dog fall a howling . this stranged in first approached my masters ears , who awaking my mistress , asked her now whether she would believe her own ears . at first she confest to me , she knew not what to think , her conscience being yet tender ( which having no long time accustomed her self to sin , was not hardned and sear'd up ) put her in mind of what she had lately committed , so that she had like to have concluded that it was satan was sent to buffet her : but she having a martial spirit , and not easily daunted , she hearkned further , and then judg'd that thieves had broken into the house . my master all this while was breathing his last at both ends , whilest my mistress leap'd out of bed , and came to my chamber door , bidding me in all haste to rise , for there were thieves in the house . i confess i had no great mind to be kill'd , and therefore i was in no great haste to rise , sometimes buttoning my doublet , and anon unbuttoning it again : perceiving that i delaid , she came again , taxing me with cowardise , and meanness of spirit , which put new life into me , making me resolve to adventure my life , rather then hazard the loss of her good opinion . finding my mistress in her smock , i thought it a shame for me to have any cloaths on : and so naked as i was , we march'd on . coming to the stairhead , my fancy troubled me a little too , for the noise had so amaz'd me , that i would fain have my mistress to go first : she could not forbeare laughing , to observe how complemental and ceremonious at that time i was . having scattered my fear by resolution , how do i abuse my self , said i , and with that boldly went on . by this time a light was produced , and then those bug-bear thoughts which darkness possesseth the fancy withal , began to vanish . there was not a hole big enough to contain a man , but what i prob'd . descending the cellar-stairs , i there plainly saw the original cause of our fear and distraction , hanging by the tail . i called my mistress to the sight , and now the maids too would be spectators , understanding the danger to be overpast . well , the general vote was , that the cat should be carried up stairs to our master , and shew him the wound in his tail , for evidence to prove his guilt in being seduced by fancy . he hearing some come up , thought we were all destroyed , and that they were coming up to dispatch him too : wherefore he cryed out , save my life , and take all i have . his wife ( not to encrease his perplexity ) bid him quiet himself , there was no harm , nor any like to be done ; and withal so convinced him of his folly , both past and present , that he had not a word to say in his own defence ; he enjoyning us all silence , we were dimiss'd . the next night , to shew how much he was altered from his former temper and belief , he did lye in his chamber aforesaid , supposedly haunted , and that same night with much joy , my mistress and i renewed our pleasures . chap. xviii . how his mistress supplyed him with money , even to superfluity ; what ways he had to spend it . he is tempted to destruction by correctors ( alias ) clippers and coyners ( alias ) matter-men . i found my estate to encrease abundantly , for i was half sharer my self with my master ; my mistress she put in for one too , which i had likewise ; so that the good man received but the fourth . i had been ( since my return ) very sparing in my expence , having laid up my money securely : but now finding out another rich mine , i thought i should be too rich , unless i contrived ways to draw out as well as put in . in the first place , i thought good to buy a brace of good geldings , for by that means i could meet whom i pleas'd , though a dozen or sixteen miles distance , and so by the quickness of return come home undiscovered : if occasion should serve , they might very well serve for the high pad . these i bought , and where they stood , i had four or five several suits , either to ride withal , ( using variety that i might pass in●…ognito ) or to wear when i did intend to appear splendidly to peculiar friends ; and then the prodigal himself did not spend his mony more profusely than my self . i judge it unnecessary to relate how , and in what manner i disburst great sums , since there are few that are addicted to pleasure , and have money , but know how to lay it ou●… to the satisfaction of their desires , that is , to please all their senses . my mistress seldom saw a piece of gold in her husbands hands , or some large and great piece of silver , but she would be begging it of him , for no other intent but to give it me ; which she took delight in , withal , knowing that frequent presents very much ingage the affection . my master seldom denyed her , ( for , like a cuckold he doted on his wife ) but if he did , she would take pet , and would not eat , have the forehead bound down with a cross-cloath , look pitifully , and the like . if he askt her what she ailed , or what she was troubled at , she would say , at nothing more then your unkindness , and then weep bitterly : for , like a right hyp crite , she had tears at command . the dotard would melt too , sometimes the great calf crying and sobbing , like a childe that hath lost his bread and butter : then to make his attonement , he must procure her two or three pieces ; if he hath them not in the house , otherwise it shall cost him as much more wealth on the doctor , of whom she would often pretend to take physick , but it should be onely rich cordials , strengthing ●…ellies , with such like provocations to venery . for my own part , i was not idle in the mean time , laying up like the careful bee for winter . we returned great sums of money every day , which an acquaintance of mine knew very well ; and he being daily in the company of a fellow , who was both coyner and clipper , it seems a decayed goldsmith , undone by the study of chymistry , but now lived by some particular part thereof , as the transmutation of metal , or so forth . this man he informs that he know a young casheer , that he thought he could work to their purpose , who was very well qualified for it . an appointed time for meeting was agreed upon between them , which was made known to me ; i thought of no other design but to be merry . being met , we drank stiffly , but ever and anon the stranger would beseech me to favour him with my future acquaintance , that he should think himself very happy , if i would admit him into a familiarity . i could do no less then promise so much , and so laying aside ceremonies , we entered into a very familiar discourse . but for that night there was nothing propounded , neither was it thought convenient : several times we met , ( not without great expence ) so that now we were grown intimately acquainted . our discourse hapned on a time to be about chymistry , i was forced to be mute , as not understanding any thing thereof ; yet i could not but admire , to hear any new friend rela●…e what admirable rarities he could perform in that mysterious art , and thereupon shew'd me a piece of gold , demanding my opinion , what i thought of it ? i told him i could judge no less , but that it was what it seem'd to be ; he smilingly reply'd , no wonder that this should deceive you , since it will do the like to the most critical goldsmith about the town : no doubt , said he , you have heard of the philosopher's stone , and what vast estates some have mis-spent in the search thereof , how ineffectual the labour of such hath been , the miserableness of their condition makes apparent . others & not a few have pretended they have obtain'd the mastery thereof , for no other intent then to delude some wealthy credulous person , making some ridiculous experiments to confirm his belief , and at last extract him to the very lees of his estate . i shall not deludingly pretend to any thing , but what i will perform , which your own eyes shall attest . hereupon , he shew'd me various pieces , both gold and silver , which are the effects ( said he ) of my own labour and pains , imployed in an art i have found out by the curious search and industry of my brain , with which i can convert copper into that metal which current money is composed of , either of which , according to the tincture i shall give it . and to be plainer with you , out of that great love i have born ever since i first saw you , & that my actions shall make it apparent , see here this piece , according to the term of art given , it is called a black dog , with queen elizabeths head thereon , which is only pewter double washed . this here is a george plateroon , being all copper within , and only a thin plate about it . another called compositum , which is a mixt metal , and will both touch and cut , but will not indure the fiery test . he gave me the sight likewise of pieces of eight , half pieces , and quarter pieces . then again ( said he ) our own coyn we usually call english cloth , the other spanish ; the prices whereof are several , according to their goodness and fineness : the best you may have for sh. the yard , i. e. five shillings in the pound profit ; the worser for eight , ten or more . now to the intent that i may compleat your happiness here , if enjoyment of wealth will do it , i would advise you to take some of every sort , and so mingle it with the rest of your good cash , proportionably to the sum . let me add one thing more , if any large money comes to your hand , lay it aside for me , which after i have corrected a little ( for broad brimd hats are not now in fashion ) i will return it , allowing you pence per pound interest . i gave him all this while great attention , without the least interruption ; but he here making a stop , i thought he expected my replication ; which was to this effect , that i thankt him cordially for his respects , which i beleeved were real , having used that freedom with me , that i did not in the least question the greatness of profit that would redound by the acceptance of his proffer ; but it being a matter of the greatest consequence & highest concern , i desired i might have some time for consideration this answer made him look blank , fearing least i made a demur only to betray him , so that i saw by his countenance , he wisht he had been more sparing in his expressions . i must needs consess , i trembled all the time i was in his company , wherefore i made all the hast i could to be gone , giving him to understand , that , after serious consultation with my self , i would send him an answer by my friend , and so i took my leave of him . the whole night following i spent in weighing his proposals in the ballance of profit and preservation : i quickly sound that life's preservation outweigh'd all other interest , and that honour , riches , and pleasure , would avail little to that man that was riding post to the gallows . besides , how could i expect to escape better then others , who were frequently made wretched spectacles of rash imprudence and folly , who , having forfeired the kings high and just displeasure , did usually betray their own selves to the severity of the law in that case ; which hath as little commiseration on such as on the worst of offendors ? though i had committed several things that might come within the verge of an indictment , yet i always shunned such actions as bore the inscription in their front , memento mori . to be as good as my promise , i sent my chimist these consequent lines . sir , you seemingly do proffer fair , but know , hanging attends such kindnesses you show . the hope of profit tempts me ; loss of life o'repowrs perswasious , and so ends the strife . had i two lives , my deeds should make it known , how little i would care to hazard one ; but having solely one , i will not try its loss ; as yet i have no mind to die . should we proceed then , and be taken in it ; death and damnation seize us in a minute . cease then , and let your fancy's suit with mine . we 'l plot no treason , but to get good wine : that being bad , let each man's face declare th' indian mines are not so rich as ours are . if we want coyu , the best way , i suppose , is to transmute the metal of my nose . i never receiv'd any answer to what i wrote , neither did i ever see my new friend after , which was according to my own desire , but i heard of his sad destiny , whereof i should have participated , had i listed my self in that mettle-simulating regiment . some found out operating in the obscurest thickets of woods ; others were detected clipping in dark concaves on black-heath , and their ring-leader discovered in his own house , in a deep vault befitting his purpose ; who , though he had timely notice to remove his tools , yet , by his seizers they were found hid in a chimny-mantletree , hollowed to that intent , with a shutter at the end . after the dismal catastrophe of these hazardous fools , i had like to have been put to a great trouble , though not in the least guilty of the accusation : and thus it was ; an indigent hanger-on , having taken notice of my being once or twice in the company of the chief of those lately executed , came to me one evening , and requested some private discourse : i consented : being together ( laying aside several formalities that ushered in his discourse ) he told me , that i was taken notice of as a notorious disperser of counterfeit money , and that there was a warrant out to apprehend me , & , that out of pure love to a man so young and fairly promising as my self , be thought himself bound in duty to preserve if he could , by giving timely notice to shun that , which , if neglected might prove destructive . i immediately saw the rogue peep through the vizard of di●…malation , and therefore instead of giving thanks i gave him a blow over both the eyes , to the intent he should not see how i would beat him , which was in such a manner , that he could not see himself for three days afterward . this fellow i understood to be a dunner for the prisoners of their confederates abroad ; and if they would not continually let down their milk , impeach them , and were often condemn'd . chap. xix . he breaketh his master ( by the help of his mistress ) and so sets up for himself with that money he had unlawfully gotten in his apprentiship , and credit besides : what a trick he served his master at last : his master and mistress soon after dy'd . but to proceed , now i had served my time , and was accordingly made free ; but sollicited by my master to stay some longer time as a journey-man , which i consented to , knowing it could not be long : for we had so purloined from him , that it was impossible for him to subsist any longer . his creditors visited him dayly , so that now his whole time was taken up in studying fair promising words to satisfie them for the present , and tell them when they should come again . my master perceiving the danger he was in , would neither stir abroad , no , not so much as come into the shop . he now standing upon the brow of a very high hill , and being forced to descend , i resolved to save him the labour , and so threw him down headlong . by this time i had conveyed away a sufficient quantity of his goods , intending them for my own use ; and stowed them in a warehouse which i had lately taken privately for my purpose . my master one night told me his intended design , that he was resolv'd to pack up all his goods , and to gather in what moneys he could , and so take his wife with him for ireland . i thought i should have dy'd at first when i heard him talk of carrying his wife with him , and could not forbear dropping some tears ; which he perceiving , his trickled down his cheeks to bear mine company . well now , said he , i see thou lovest me too , as well as thou hast hitherto proved faithful . but the dearest friends must part ( & with that he wept again like a child ) however my comfort is , i hope we shall see each other in heaven . i thought with my self , i had rather see him in the counter . and from that minute i contriv'd how i might effect it : for at that time i should never have been able to have brookt a separation between my mistress and self , especially at so great distance . she and i often consulted what to do ; sometimes we were in the mind to take what money the old fool had , and so run away together , with many stratagems which we propounded ; but were rejected as no ways expedient nor convenient . at last i resolved on this , that she should acquaint her self of the exact time and way he intended to go , and so inform me thereof . i receiv'd information in a short time after , that before break of day , at such a time he would take horse at i sl●…gton , and so for westchester . i immediately sent away word to one of his chiefest creditors , making known to him the sum and substance of every thing , and , that if ever he expected to receive what was due to him , he must at such a time have officers ready to way-lay him , in order to his arrest , which was punctually done according to what instructions i sent him in a letter , without a name subscribed thereunto . he had not been long in custody , before i was sent for , to advise with him what was best to be done in this his great extremity and perplexity . i could do no less then seemingly condole his misfortunes , and withal seemed to be very active as to his assistance , running up and down to his creditors to bring them to a compliance ; but he had been better to have sent some person else as sollicitor in his business , for by my means i made his wound incurable . seeing there was no remedy but patiently to endure his inevitable imprisonment , he got an horse ( as some men term it ) alias a duce facies , and so remov'd himself to ludgate , where he had not been long e're he dy'd for grief . in the mean time my mistress had secured what he had , which i enjoy'd . i had now an house and shop of mine own , very well furnisht ; but withal i was grown so deboist and profusively lavish , that i seldom was at home but at night , & then in bed with my mistress , who was very importunate with me to marry her : i confess i loved her intirely as my mistress , or whore , but i hated her as my wife ; knowing very well that if she would be an whore to me , and have an husband , she would he so to another when i was in the formers place . she now found her self with child ; whereupon ( taking upon her my duty ) she dayly prest●…e to save her credit . but i delay'd , putting her off continually with specious pretences , which her love & facileness easily swallow'd . the time of her delivery approaching , i went down into the country with her ; and because it was at hand , i stay'd to see the event : within a short while she fell in labour ( now because we were known for no other then man and wife , ) when her throws came upon her , she would not let me stir out of the room . her pain growing intolerable , she called me hastily to her , and getting my hand within hers ; farewel , said she , i die for thee ; thy last unkindness in not performing thy promise , and not returning love answerable to mine , hath untimely yielded my days : with that she groaned , and then using her former expressions , cryed out , love my memory however , since i die for thee . she uttered not one word afterwards , being as good as her word : the good women lookt strangely on me , every one passing their verdict , and all concluding her none of my wife . the first christians under the great persecution suffered not in years so many several ways , as i did in five hours by the peoples tongues . i must needs say , i took it very much to heart that report , which made richard the second alive so often after he was dead , should kill me as often whilst alive ; desiring them at last to wave their censures ( which they exprest publickly ) i intreated them with all the rhetorick i could produce to indeavour the reviring of my wife , which if past recovery , to use means to preserve the child . in a short time they told me that was dead likewise . at first i showed much grief , which was unfeigned , being not so much afflicted for the loss of her , as affected with those words she uttered when she breathed her last . i was too conscious of my own guilt , and therefore they made the deeper impression in my very soul. but all these perturbations of mind i dissipated with a glass or two of canary , which was the common antidote i us'd against care , sorrow , and vexation , &c. i now provided things necessary for her funeral , which were not vulgar ; which i might the better do , having made my self her executor before , taking all she had into my custody . in memorial of her and her fidelity , i wrote this epitaph on her tomb-stone . women they say will lye , but now i see 't is false , to th'last she spake the truth to me . farewel said she , i thought my grief t' have hid , i die for love of thee , — and so she did . here with her lies her child , that strove in vain to untomb it self , to be intomb'd again . but rest my babe , thy cares with life are gone , thou 'lt rise again , though now a setting sun. though wonders cease , thy mothers death doth prove they may revive , for she did die for love . chap. xx. his credit becomes suspected by his exorbitant manner of living in drinking , whoring , gaming , &c. he thinks to sawder up that crack by marriage ; he is deceived both in person and portion . returning to my own habitation , i found that my so long absence had raised a jealousie in my neighbours breasts , that i was run away ; which rested not there , but spread like a canker , so that this flying report came to some of my creditors cars , which made them both impatient and importunate with me for their moneys ; i wondered whence proceeded their unexpected haste . some that would not be put off with promises , i was forced to pay ; from others i obtained a little longer forbearance , which gave me but liberty to prosecute my former courses . if i was at the tavern , i was either drunk , ingaged in a quarrel , & so involv'd in blood ; or else at play , if not at a bawdy house , which places i could not refrain from frequenting , though i kept one of my own at home . for i would not entertain a maid , but what was more then ordinarily handsom , whom i commonly vitiated either by presents , or promises if i got them with child . when i was weary of one , i payd her off with some additions to her wages , & entertain'd another , who would in a short time be wrought upon as well as her predecessors , being ambitious to lie with her master , and vainly hoping that to be the first step to her preferment , thinking of nothing but presently marrying , and so be mistress . in three years that i lived as a mr. i had nine illegitimates , which i knew , four whereof were be gotten of my maids , which put me to a vast expence . two of the mothers would have forced me to have married them , or allowed them competent maintenance ( for they were subtil cunning baggages ) had i not by a wile got them aboard a vessel bound for virginia , and never heard of them since . besides two or three terrible claps , which cost me a considerable sum in their cure . this distemper , as it caused a consumption in my pocket , so it impaired my wonted strength , and almost spoiled my natural talent . i now began to be sensible of my folly , and so resolved to take up in time , and redeem by degrees my lost credit by a temperate sober life ; but that i found i had wasted my self extreamly , by which means i became less capable of reacting what i had before done , and my mind in a manner satiated , i question whether i should have had now such penitent thoughts . for a while i kept my shop diligently and constantly ; i would not drink with any but at home ; my sudden alteration made people admire , and the suddenness of my reformation was the common discourse of all my neighbours : the parson of our parish hearing of my strange alteration , came to me , which i admired at ; for before , he that had the least care or respect of his reputation , would avoid all occasions of being seen in my company , lest they might be suspected extravagant and deboist . pares cum paribus facilime congregantur . birds of a feather will flock together . the shortness of his hair declar'd him a member of the circumcision , but his triple cap , or three caps on his head , shew'd , though he hated the very name of rome or babylon , yet he lov'd formerly a whore in private , though common . his cloak was fac'd down with zeal before , and his band appear'd but as a broad hem , to shew that a hem , with two or three formal spits , or a feigned cough , was the usual supply of his discourse , when he had thrasht himself in his cloak out of breath in the pulpit . his looks resembled the bleer-ey'd printing at geneva ( and his face like that sort of ragged paper on which they work off their impressions . after he had set his face into a platform , he delivered himself . i shall not relate exactly his own canting words , or what he borrowed from scripture , being sensible , non est tutum ludere cum sacris : but give you the substance , which was first a reproof for my extravagancies : secondly , some general instructions , ( pickt out of a common-place book ) for my future practice : and lastly , some encouragements drawn from various motives to proceed ( without looking back ) toward a good life : on which three points he ran divisions strangely , till dinner-time , and then his stomack petitioned him to shut his mouth , lest it should be deprived of its appetite by receiving in too much air . in this seeming strictness of life i lived two or three months , and now some began to have charitable thoughts of my soul ; & that i might regain my runnings out by future diligence & industry . i had several matches offered me , which i saw , but liked them not ; for i had always been a general lover , and could not now come to particulars . at last it was my misfortune to see one , whom i was wisht to ; and which at first sight robbed me at once , both of my self and good company . formerly i was pleasing and affable , desirous and desired of good society , but never lived till now in anchorite on earth . neither did i ever till now tie up mine eyes to one particular face , giving them free liberty to wander . but now at last i fell from my primitive liberty , losing it totally , by dotage on a creature , and that a woman too : a just judgment on me for my manifold sins , to throw this thing in my way for me to stumble at . chap. xxi . how he was married , and what kind of thing his wife . i made strict enquiry after the condition of my intended wifes parents , and found by report they were very wealthy . in a short time we had conference together about the portion , and my estate , and therein we were all satisfied . my courtship was very noble , yet not prodigal , for fear of giving offence ; and in a little while we were married . by her looks i thought her so modest , that an unchaste thought durst not enter into her head , since all immodest expressions she banished from her cars . the first night i thought to have had the first taste , but my experience told me the tarriers had been there before . this struck me into an amazement , that there should appear such virgin-whiteness , & the extract of innocence in her face , yet be guilty of a crime so notorious . much perplext i was , but durst not vent my self , what was more then bare suspition . in one half years time what i intended to conceal could be hid no longer , being brought to bed three months before her time ; and yet the bawd her midwife would make me believe this was usual ; and that children brought forth at six moneths might live . now began our domestick civil wars , which was carried on with such fury between us , that there was hardly an utensil in the kitchin that could rest in quiet for flying about our ears continually . my wife acted the silent woman to the life , whilest in a single state ; for before we were married all her answers were very short , comprehended within the two monosyllables of i , and n ; and those two must be forcibly extracted from her . but now her tongue wagg'd in a perpetual motion , and her voice so shrill and loud , that it would be heard distinctly , though a piece of ordnance were discharged near her at the same time , or standing at the bell-room-door whilest the bells were ringing . frequent were her complaints to her father and mother , which alienated their affection from me , so that their only study was how to be rid of me . her forgeries ( to excuse her own devilry ) had so instigated them , that they sought my ruine by all wayes imaginable . besides , they laid an imbargo on the rest of my wives portion unpaid ; advising her withal to secure what she could , for her own self preservavation . she followed their instructions so exactly , that in a short time i found my self in a very declining condition , yet knew not the cause till it was too late , conveying away both my goods and money , some whereof went to supply the necessities of her stallion . i was all along jealous of this , though i could not conclude her altogether so culpable . but my doubts and fears which of all are the sharpest passions , could not turn this distemper into a disease ( although they lookt through false opticks , making things appear like evening shadows , disproportionable to the truth , and strangely longer then the true substance ) till knowledge hereof ( confirmed me by the witnesses of my eyes ) had banisht bare suspition . which was thus , one night i caused my self to be brought home by a porter as dead drunk ; my wife received me in that condition ( i perceived by peeping out of my eye-lids ) with much satisfaction , and was immediately carried up to bed ; with much difficulty they undrest me , pretending my self a sleep all this while , and so they left me . it seems by the story that my wife presently sent away the maid ( which was her pimp ) to her friend to come at such an hour . about nine of the clock the maid was posted to bed ; and about ten i heard one small knock at the door : he needed not to knock there any longer , for there was one below that was ready to receive him . when i judg'd they were incircled in each others arms , ( which i understood by hearkning at the bottom of the stairs , and thereby knew where about they were ) i ran in upon them with my sword ( which i had prepared ready ) & thinking to have run them through the body , intending to make a passage for their souls escape , i past my sword through the fleshy part of both their thighs . at which they made a most hideous outcry , so that the maid came running down , & a watchman that stood just at my door hearingthe noise , knockt at the door , to know what was the matter ; the maid apprehending the danger , let him in , who by the help of his candle , never saw so strange a sight ; for i had so pin'd them together , that they could not stir . as well as they could speak , they both begg'd their pardon for their lives only , which i granted , as looking on my revenge somewhat satisfied . my gentleman i dismist , but as for his mistress i was forced to send for a chyrurgeon , whose wound needed no probing , but tenting , for it was through and through . there was no concealing of what was done ; wherefore in the morning early i acquainted her parents with what had happen'd last night . insisting further , that since she had instead of putting off handsomly the chain of matrimony , rudely broke it , it should be her own damage ; neither would i be at the cost of a visitation to repair the breach . to which i added , that had i deny'd her things requisite or necessary , or not performed duly my duty , she might have had some pretence for her slighting me , and look upon me only as a false crow set up in a garden , to keep others from the fruit it cannot taste it self . but since it was otherwise , and that she had nothing to object against me , but onely sometimes curbing her inordinate desires ; i wisht them to save me the labour of having the law to tear her from me , but that they would remove her elsewhere . they reply'd but little , hastning to their daughter ; and fearing worse mischief might ensue , they instantly conveyed her into the country . she had not remained there long , before she was cured , and not enduring to be confined to solitariness , repaired again to the city , where now she lives , as such do that keeps civet-cats ; but i hear she is very reserv'd to all but such she knows she may intrust her self with . there never yet was woman made , nor shall , but to be curst ; and oh ! that i ( fond i ) should first of any lover this truth at my own charge to other fools discover . ye that have promis'd to your selves propriety in love ; know womens hearts like straws do move , and what we call their sympathy , is but love to jet in general . all mankind are alike to them ; and though we iron find that never with the loadstone joyn'd , 't is not the irons fault , it is because the loadstone y t was never brought . if where a gentle bee hath fallen and laboured to his power , a new succeeds not to that flower , but passeth by , 't is to be thought the gallant elsewhere loads his thigh . for still the flowers ready stand ; one buzzes round about , one lights , one tasts , gets in , gets out . all always use them , till all their sweets are gone , and all again refuse them . however , i must confess my own faults , as well as condemn others ; which was , i was too inquisitive after that which the more i knew , would the more disturb me . of all things the less we know , the better . curiosity in this renders a man as ridiculous a coxcomb , as that cuckold sir john suckling mentioneth , who made diligent enquiry , whether he was made so in a bed , or on a coach , and whether his duty-officiating cavalier pulled off his spurs first or not , &c. well , it was my hard fate to marry thus like one doom'd to prison , who expecting to lie in a private room , is confined to the hole . had i married the best , i believe i should have found my self in the stocks . 't is strange that i of all men should be deceiv'd by this thing that was like a box bearing drugs not suitable to the inscription . had not my passion hung in my eyes , when i lookt into her disposition and carriage , i might have easily understood that her behavior in the presence of me was only like action on a publike stage , and that the evil of her natural inclinations were hid from me under the vail of silence and seeming modesty . and indeed my pallate was bed-ridden , and so scarce sensible of sauce , much less of meat . but since i have had such ill luck in marriage , which some vainly and falsly account a merry-age , i shall in the ensuing discourse give you some instruction or advice as land-marks . for having split upon this rock , i may the better be a pylot to another that would sail this way . chap. xxii . some observations concerning love and women ; selected out of the choicest commentators on their nature , together with his own experimental reflections . love 't is confest is a natural distemper , a kind of small pox ; most have either had it , or is to expect it , and the sooner the better . surely i was never well cur'd on 't , or else i had not thus fallen into a relaps . want of knowledge misguided me at first , and so i fell into a quagmire ; but i knew not what possest me to ride afterward into another on purpose . love-seeds when it grows up to matrimony is good for nothing , like some fruit-trees which must be transpanted before they will bring forth any thing . and when love in this nature doth seed , the encrease thereof is dissatisfaction , sorrow and vexation multiplyed . this aforementioned is not truely love but lust ; for i cannot believe that that noble passion can be the ruine of its subject ; neither would i have it disparaged by so unworthy an object as a woman . if there be love , it should be to heaven , a male-friend , relations , or our countries preservation , and not to a female-piece of imperfection . and yet nothing will serve the turn , but monopolizing it by marriage , because we would make it surely our own , and nevertheless our own till then . for if she be young , she is like an hawk upon her wing ; and if she be handsome , she is the more subject to go out at check . faulkners that can but seldom spring right game , should still have something to take them down . the lure to which all stoop in this world , is either garnisht with profit or pleasure , and when you cannot throw her the one , you must be content to shew out the other . consider again that woman ( besides the trouble ) is a rent-charge which though the curiosity of man hath often inclosed , yet he cannot for his life stop so well one gap , but it will lie open for any stragler , by which means it seldom improves or becomes fruitful . and why should a woman be denyed the liberty of breaking a pane in her own window , or not admitted the freedom of regress to her own salliport , letting in whom she esteems as friends ? if you will not give them the permission , you must be forc'd to wink when they take it , or do worse : cross them , and they will endeavour the not leaving a cross in your pocket . take it which way you will , marriage is the dearest way of curing love . faring with such , as it doth with those for the most part that at great charges walls in grounds and plant , who cheaper might have eaten mellons elsewhere , then cucumbers in their own garden . besides , it is a gross piece of ignorance to be bound up to love for an age , when the cause of love may perish for a month , and then the effect will follow . if it be natures plant in the face , that doth induce you ; those beautiful flowers of red and white , a disease will quickly wither ; if not , ravishing time will deflowre the choicest beauty . but the ill consequents of marriage are more to be considered , which are commonly drawn from the evil inclinations of that sex eve by stumbling at the serpents sollicitations cast her husband out of paradice ; nor are her daughters surer of foot , being foundred by the heat of lust and pride . it were something if marriage could answer the expectation of all she boasts the cure of ; for instead of quenching the hot coals of concupiscence , it aggravates the simple sin of fornication , making it sprout into adultery . what might be said more as to this subject , i shall refer the reader to the writings of that ingenious gentleman mr. francis osborne . if any more ( like boys stript and stand shivering about the brink ) are ready to leap into loves whirl-pit , and so end anger the loss of themselves , let them first look upon love to be an idle fancy , and wedlock of a dangerous consequence . if i could perswade you from loving , one would think the other then would be disregarded , but some to their costs can speak the contrary . in the first place , marry none but whom you love : for he that marries where he doth not love , will love where he did not marry . if you are prone to love one particular person , some are of opinion that travel is an excellent remedy : for absence doth in a kind remove the cause , removing the object . others think that frequent visits ( where as the rarity of them indears the affection ) may by a surprizal discover some defects , which though they cure not absolutely , yet they qualifie the vehement heat of an amorous feavor ; and as neer as can be , let it be unseasonably , either when she is in sickness or disorder , by that a man may know she is but mortal , and but a woman ; the last would be enough to a wise man for an antidote . enter into discourse with her of things she daily hears not , and it will confirm the cure . neither will it be amiss to contrive your self into the company of variety , especially such beauties which are generally cry'd up ; and if you can , taste them all , ( but now i think on 't , it is no matter , one is sufficient for a surfeit ) for this malady is better remedy'd this way , then by abstinence : good jovial company will much conduce to the cure . but , i like not the prescription of marriage , since it is the last and most dangerous receipt ; like a kind of live pigeons apply'd to the soals of the feet , which remedy to say truth , is worse then the disease : were it possible for a woman to be constant to one , something might be said , but i never yet tried any which did not very much shew their displeasures when offered some kindness , but never found any to refuse them , if opportunity & privacy of place admitted their reception ; which hath made me often in my own thoughts question my mothers honesty and fidelity to my father . what i now utter , is not derived from prejudice to that sex , grounded on my own wifes disloyalty ; but experience tells me this , which most past sixteen very well understand , that there are few women , let them pretend what they please , but will yeild to the temptations of the flesh , and so much the sooner , by how much she professeth some new light , which is ignis fatuus that leads them into the quagmires of all sorts of erroneous tenents . with this dark lanthorn-light they dazle the eyes of such as would pry into their actions , whiles behind in the dark they sensually satisfie themselves undiscovered . experience dictates what i here express ; for i have had converse with several of these religious pretenders , that in the very act would very much inveigh against adultery with their tongues , whilst their bloods willingly consented to the commission of that sin , and then immediately after seem extremely pensive . they will make it their daily discourse , speaking against such whose natural inclinations have prompted them to unlawful satisfaction of their lusts , and yet they themselves are at the same time studying how they may secretly and securely accomplish the same thing . to conclude , woman in general is the very extract of inconstancy , and therefore it is but a vain thing for any to think she can absolutely love one man. such who are found constant to their husbands preferring their welfare before the indulging of their own by-respects , ought to be lookt on no less then miracles of their sex , by such who are acquainted generally with female dispositions and actions . chap. xxiii . he cheats his creditors by knavish breaking , and runs away for ireland . he is shipwrackt on the isle of man. whilst my credit was good , i thought good to make use of it , lest that failing , i should want an opportunity to march off with flying colours . to raise my repure amongst my neighbours ( whom i knew would spread abroad what they had seen ) i caus'd a porter ( whom i could intrust ) to carry out prlvately an hundred pound , and a little while after to come with a trusty friend of mine with that , and five or six hundred pound bags more on his back , openly carrying them . upon my receipt hereof , i presently tumbled the money out of the bag ( which had really money in it ) on the counter , purposely making a great noise : having told it over ( my friend standing by the while ) i put it up ; and pretending to lay that aside and take another , i took up the same again , so doing till i had told it over five or six times ; then writing in publike view a receipt , with much civility and respect i dismist my gentleman . and thus did i thrice in a months time ; so that by this means without suspition i conveyed away a great quantity of my goods , which people thought i had sold , & therefore thought me to have a great trade . report hereby rendred me a man of vast dealing , so that now i had goods dayly offer'd me , some whereof i received , promising to them payment at three moneths , others at six ; whereas i intended they should stay till her had her twelve apostles for her jury . what wares or moneys i could take up , i did , not mattering at what rate . to some of the more wary sort i confest a judgment for their security . i needed not to have spoken in the singular number , for i deluded four with my judgments . what commodities i had , i converted into money by a bill of sale , and so went away , leaving my creditors to sue out a statute of bankrupt if they so pleased ; which i val●…ed not , if once out of their reach . to my chiefest creditor i sent these lines , to the intent he should not tax me with incivility for going away , and not sending him word . credit doth strengthen such whose trades are weak ; but too much credit , sir , did make me break . credit to sinking trades-men is a prop ; but had you kept your wares , i 'de kept my shop . pray do not blame me , sir , because i show a way to pay those many debts you owe : which you may do , if you 'l advised be , which is in short , prepare to follow me . believe me , faithful sir , in what i say , i went before , but to shew you the way : but if you will not , don't lament your loss , for in your money i do bear the cross . grief will distract you , and destroy your wit ; good sir , preserve it , for y 'ave paid for it . i rid post for holy-head night and day , so that i arrived there in a very short time : going to dismount , i tumbled off , neither could i rise again ; continual and unaccustomed riding had almost dislocated every bone in my body , notwithstanding it was swathed for that purpose . the next day i made a shift to walk abroad to view the rarities of the town , but found nothing rare but handsome women , civility , and good drink . in two days time we set sail : we had not ran above three leagues before the sky darkned ; the wind blew hard at a south-east , and the waves rose mountain-high : in an hours time we were forced to cut our masts by the board , and lightning the ship as much as we could , let her drive . every man fell to his prayers , expecting every moment when they should be swallowed up by the sea. as for my part , i now thought divine vengeance had overtaken me , and would reckon with me for all my rogueries ; i lookt on my self as jonas , & was much troubled that others should suffer for my iniquities . about three a clock in the mornning we heard a hideous noise occasioned by the beating of the sea against the rocks , which was ecchoed by the loud and lamentable cries of the seamen , who now knew there was no hope for us . now could i pray heartily , that had never pray'd in my life before ; but my devotion was soon spoiled , for the ship struck in between two rocks . i lookt out , and methought the dashing of the waves lookt perfectly like flashes of fire . here she stuck a little while , which gave five of us opportunity to leap out upon a rock : we were no sooner there , before a wave fetcht her off , but brought her on again , and split her all to pieces . we five in the mean time riding astride on a rock behind one another , like so many criminals on a woodden-horse . sometimes a wave would strike clear over us , which indangered our washing off . sometimes we thought to let go our hold , as looking upon our preservation to be impossible ; and withal imagining that the tide was coming in . at last the hindmost could hold no longer , but crying , lord have mercy on my soul , committed himself to the merciless sea. immediately came a tumbling sea and washt off the next ; now did i expect that every wave would prove my executioner . but it was not decreed ( i suppose ) that i should be drown'd . day broke , so that we could discern we were not a coits cast from the shore , and that the sea was ebbing . we waited not above an hour before we crawled to shore , for go we could not , our joynts were so benum'd by the cold . we got up the beach , and could discern a little way distant a small cottage ; thither we repaired with much difficulty , and were kindly entertained , pittyed , and informed where we were . we stay'd about a week in this isle of man , without one farthing expence . for the inhabitants are generally very civil and courteous , and especially to strangers . from thence we imbarkt for dublin . chap. xxiv . his arrival into ireland : he changeth his name : what trick he serv'd his first landlady ; all his money being spent , and those goods and coyn likewise shipwrackt which he expected to follow him . we landed at a place called ringsend about a mile from dublin . i was askt whether i would have a coach. where are there any , said i ? ( for i lookt about me , and could see nothing like a coach ) the fellow lookt upon me to be a very ignorant person , because i understood not what he meant , and angerly spal●…e thus : by my gossips hand , thou canst not see very much well , arra look here is one by thine own side . it was a great while before i could tell what language he spoke , he did so tone his words ; neither could i understand him , till one standing by interpreted him . as for his ringsend-coach , as he call'd it , it was wheel-barrow fashion , only it had two wheels not much bigger then a large cheshire cheese : the horse that drew this princely-pygmy-chariot , i at first mistook for an over-grown masty ; but viewing him narrowly , found him the extract ( by his shape ) of a scotch-hobby ; well , up i mounted , but could not invent a name for the manner of my riding , for i was neither coacht nor carted , but i fancyed my self ( and that justly ) as i was riding , to be some notorious malefactor drawn on a sledge to the place of execution , which afterwards experimentally i found dublin to be : many of its inhabitants call this city divlin , quasi divels inn , & very properly it is by them so termed ; for there is hardly a city in the world that entertains such variety of devils imps as that doth . if any knavishly break , murder , rob , or are desirous of polygamy , they straightway repair thither , making that place , or the kingdom in general , their azylum , or sanctuary . my first care was to plant my self conveniently ; the next day i sent for a barber to shave all my hair off , ordering him to bring me a periwigg of an absolute contrary colour to my own hair , to the intent , that if i should meet with any of my former acquaintance , they might not know me , whereby i should prevent their sending notice to any where i was . the truth of it is , in this disguize i hardly knew my self . the greatest difficulty i found , was to make my self familiar with my fictitious name . at first when my landlady called me by that name , i either star'd her in the face , or lookt behind me , ( not answering thereunto ) thinking she had spoke to some man else : but had i not pretended to be thick of hearing , and so that way apologizing for my silence , my design might have been marr'd . i daily met with several i knew , but would not take the least cognizance of them . in this manner i spent a moneth , but all this while no tidings of my goods and money ; that which i had brought with me was all consumed . my landlady ( as it is customary there , having as little trust or faith as they have religion ) called upon me for what i owed her . for a little while i stopt her mouth , by telling her i had a considerable quantity of goods and mony too coming , which i expected by every fair wind . a little while after i heard the ship in which they were was cast away . now did i absolutely conclude gods just judgement attended my fraud and knavery . my loss i did not in the least discover to any , knowing i should reap at first only some pitty , and afterwards be undervalued & and disrespected . my hostess again , was very importunate with me to have her reckoning : i endeavoured to put her off , saying , i expected daily bills of exchange ; but she would not believe me ; for i perceived that she had been often cheated with such delusions . now did i not know what to do : i thought good to try another way ; she being a widdow , i fancyed i could work upon her female frailty : i used all means possible to get her alone ; which i did but seldom , and then did i make use of all my rhetorick to perswade her into a belief , how dearly i loved her ; she replyed little , but would laugh at me till she held her sides again . i verily believe she understood my drift , which i might argue from her expressions . sometimes she would say , come , come , away with these love-fooleries , and pay me what you owe. then would i tell her all i enjoyed , and my self too , were properly hers , and that she might take them when she pleased into her possession . no , no , she would say , my youthfull days are past , and it is time for me to look heavenwards ; wherefore let fall your suit , &c. since words would no ways prevail , i resolved to try something else , knowing how difficult it is for a woman when in bed to refuse a venereal proffer . to that purpose one night i came softly into her chamber , and groping with my hand for her face , i caught a man by the beard : at which he awaked , and thinking the devil was come to trim him , or rob him of his wash-balls , would have cryed out aloud , but that fear had so lockt up his voice , that his highest note was little louder then whispering ; i could but just hear him say , in the name of — what art ? i am , said i , ( and then she wak'd too ) no ghost , but a living witness of your leachery , to that intent i came hither to be fully satisfied of what i have a long time suspected . as for you madam , your youthful days are past , but your lust will endure for ever . if this be your way to heaven , why were you so uncharitable as not to let me go along with you ? as for your part , sir , i believe that you are traveling that way too ; for if i mistake not , you lately came out of purgatory . to be short , they both intreated me to be silent , and retire to my own lodging , and that in the morning they would treat with me to my full satisfaction . this was what i aimed at , though brought about otherwise then intended . early they both came to me : the pious gentlewoman being very tender of her credit , would forgive me my debt , if i would not blemish her reputation by my report ; her gallant gave me ten pieces to bind the bargain : having gotten a discharge under her hand , i sealed our contract with an oath and faithful promise never to divulge their shame . the gentleman ( though his estate much exceeded hers ) out of spight , i think , or vexation , to be so caught , incontinently married her , though all former sollicitations ( which i understood were many ) proved ineffectual . chap. xxv . he is driven to extreme necessity ; he describes what it is to be indigent , by what he suffered in that condition . this ten pound i received from my old leacherous dotard , made its exit almost assoon as its entrance into my pocket : by that sum i thought to have purchased mountains in ireland ( and indeed there is too great plenty of them there , ) by gaming ; but experience told me afterwards that my design was hazardous , and so it proved , for i met with a person that bubbled me at hazard , not leaving me a penny , and ingaged besides for my proportion of the reckoning . my gamester dealt too hardly with me , yet it was but just , for i intended to show him as little favour , if compell'd to lye at my mercy , which i verily thought would be , having various utensils about me to that purpose , but i was overmatcht . ithought my self secure , for i could top , by which i 've forc'd some ●…its to leave their shop . i palm'd , and put the change upon them too ; i only studyed how i might undo . but now i 'm met with , 't is but just i see , that he which others cheats , should cheated be . i returned to my lodging , ( which was none of the best ) with what anxiety and perturbation of mind i shall give any looser leave to imagine , whilst the remembrance thereof enforceth me to speak ; and i hope the reader will give me that liberty , since the proverb intaileth on the looser that priviledge . i acquainted my landlord with my misfortune , who seem'd very much to condole me for the present , but it was afterwards the occasion of his not crediting me . from hence i will advise all to speak as little as they can of ills that betide them ; but we cannot discourse too much of the good that happens to us . perceiving my landlord grew cold , my spirit was too high to be any longer beholding to him but for my lodging ; wherefore i feldom came home till night . neither would i make known my condition to any that knew me . sometimes i should meet with some in the street , who would ask me to drink with them : my usual answer was , i came from it but even now : insisting farther , that such a gentleman , with two or three more besides my self had drank so much , and that i admired at my self , for being so sober ; whereas to deal ingeniously , i had not drank one drop that day . another seeing me , would ask me whether i would dine with him at the ordinary ? then would i pretend that my lord — gentleman over-perswaded me to dine with him , and that we had such variety , that i doubted my stomack had received some detriment thereby ; and therefore beg'd an excuse ; whereas a dry crust taken out of my leather cupboard was all the varieties the gentleman-usher of my stomack , my throat i mean , had taken cognizance of that day . so hard it was too , that i would look this way , and that way , not daring to commit it to the engine of my chops , unless there was none near me within a furlong ; for had there been any near me , they would have sworn i was eating walnuts shells and all . now did i learn to drink water , which necessity made me to commend as the most soveraign liquor , and most suitable to the body of man ; otherwise adam in paradice would not have been without a cup of ale. every morning i offer'd up my devotions either to st. patrick , or st. james , each of which have two excellent wells dedicated to the honour of their saintships . thither did i repair constantly twice or thrice a day : after i had offered up the fumes of smoke ( most commonly of none of the best tobacco ) i kneeled , not using the common way of drinking out of the chained iron dish , but with greater a doration suckt it as it came through the conveyance . after a walk to kilmanum ( about a mile from dublin ) or some other place to prepare my stomack , i return'd to christ-church , frequently dining there with sir richard strang-bow : reflecting on his cheer , and the liquor of those two saints , i cannot but tell you my thoughts of both . sir richard strang-bow keeps an house where wine and bread some sup on , but few seldom dine . ask yet an hungry rambler , and he 'll say , ( though not one bit came near his mouth that day ) he plentifully din'd with him , so let him still till he hath found his empty belly fill , where i ne're could , which made me hate in fine sir richard strang-bows feasts , st. patricks wine . i fasted so long , i had now almost forgot how to eat : for if casually i came where meat was , i often made a proffer to convey something to my mouth , but my lips understood not my meaning ; for having been so long unaccustomed to their duty , knew not how to perform their gaping office . it was impossible at this time for the greatest fright to have made me foul my breeches , because i seldom used any thing that might cause excrements . and therefore i wondred to hear any enquire for an house of office , since i had now left off going to stool . once in five days i thought i stood in need of evacuating ; but i was mistaken , for by discharging a blast of wind ( whose fury seattered small stones underneath me ) i found it only a fit of the cholick . i shall deal plainly , should i have found a propensity , i would have been very unwilling to let any thing go out , since so little past into my belly . some moveables i had left , which i was forced to dispose of , to keep the passage of my guts open , which would frequently grumble against my stomach for detaining too long what was received , challenging a propriety therein . i thought it good policy not to buy any belly-timber of a quick concoction , because it should stay the longer within me . to this purpose i lookt on old cheese to be food convenient ; knowing that though it will disgest any thing else , yet it cannot disgest it self ; and as it closeth up the mouth of the stomack , so by its respective quality it looks up fat●… the postern of the micro-cosm . flesh again ( if i got any ) i would swallow by whole-sale , fearing left by chewing it , my stomack would too suddenly give it a passport to my hypo-gastrium ; by which means it would be immediately ready again , nay restless in the craving more . i seldom slept for the gnawing of my stomack , & the anguish of my guts , and for want of those fumes which proceeding from meat ascended into the head , and so the causers of sleep . if i chanced to nod at any time , i dreamed of nothing but eating , my fancy feeding that while as voraciously as an hunger-starved hound on a shoulder of mutton . i was driven to that pass , i could not justly tell whether i was alive or not . sometimes i was of the opinion that i dyed in our ship-wrack on the isle of man , and that i was now a soul in purgatory . immediately after my arrival in this place , the itch and bunniah , or flux , ( the two grand epidemical distempers of ireland ) gave me their wellcome into their country , attended by a great number of six-footed gent. clad in a gray livery , with one single list down the back ; who all promised to stick to me & be my bosomes friends , neither would they forsake me as long as life lasted . but they like the rest of the best and fairest promising friends left me , when fortune committed me prisoner to the merciless cruel hands of that accursed goaler , poverty . i was grown so lean , that the mungril scotch and irish gentleman the itch , finding not flesh enough to feed on , gave me the french complement , adieu pouvre gentilhome . the flux staid with me as long as any thing was left in my belly , but finding no substance from my guts , took his leave also , unkindly carrying away all that was within me . their retinue perceiving they were like to feed on hard meat , there being little left but bones , whose teeth were incapable of fastning thereon , resolv'd to follow after ; some making more then ordinary haste , broke their necks off the cape of my cloak , missing their footing , the threads thereof being spun out by time as fine as those of arachnes working . to conclude , i was a meer walking skeleton , my skin only serv'd as a mantle for my bones . but for wind , my belly would have contradicted an approved philosophical axiome , proving a vacuum . one time passing by the castle-gate , a souldier fir'd his musquet , and i protest methought my belly sounded like a drum at the report . should i relate every particular wherein the malevolenoie of fortune afflicted me , i should much tire the reader , as well as perplex my self with remembrance ; wherefore i shall desist , and give you leave to imagine the deplorableuess of his condition , who hath neither monies , friends , nor credit , and in a place where he is neither acquainted with the people , nor their language . chap. xxvi . he falling accidentally into a strange house , endeavours to build a sconce , but is frustrated of his intent . the old hostess pities him at first , and relieves him , and continually after feeds him for her own peculiar diet ; further insisting on the mifery he then endured . i was by this time grown so feeble by fasting , or by the manner of my feeding , which was either cheese or hard eggs , ( there being great plenty ) that i could hardly go ; and so light i was by continual smoking , that i questioned often whether i was not a meer fume my self ; fearing still when i walkt abroad , to be extracted by the sun for an exhalation . fortune so favour'd me one day , that i found a groat , which put me into an extasie of joy . i know not what magical power there was in that vast sum of four pence , for in an instant , not knowing by what means , i found my self in a victualling-house , so speedy was my conveyance , as if i had been riding some daemon through the air . i call'd for some meat , but my voice sounded so hollow , as if i had spoken in a vault . some said , it was the eccho of some person speaking in the next house : others of the wiser sort believed me to be some spectrum , or apparition ; and that the devil had assum'd a body speaking in that mortuum cadaver . the truth of it is , 't was something hard to determine , whether i spake or no , but that they might perceive my lips to open . there was a physician in the house at that time , who looking on me narrowly , openly proclaim'd that i was the workmanship of some mortal , who having first gotten the skeleton , or bones of a man , had artificially skin'd them over , and that german clock-work caus'd my motion . i would have laught heartily at their ridiculous apprehensions , but that i had forgot how . i had some gall left in me still , which made me start up in as great a rage as my feeble body was able to declare , intending to demonstrate to them how grosly they were mistaken ; but perceiving me to approach , they all fled but mr. doctor , whom shame retain'd , otherwise by a fit of an ague ( which just then possest him ) i knew he would willingly have been gone too . speak ( said he tremblingly ) what art ? i was somewhat puzled at his question , for i knew not well what i was : i am a living man , said i. why then thou wouldst have flesh , said he . after several discourses to this purpose , i at length made him partly believe that i was no such thing he imagined . and yet he would be asking me still a many impertinent questions , as whether i could fee ; and his reason was , because he could discern no eyes . whether i was born without eyes , or lost them since accidentally , &c. i was forced to tell him at last that it was the country disease that had reduced me to this condition . hearing me say so , he pitied me much , and told me he would fetch instantly something that should do me much good . i thankt him , and away went mr. doctor . the good woman over-hearing our discourse drew neer then confidently , and demanded what i would have ? i told her , any thing which was eatable , as far as a groat would go . she brought me some hot meat , and setting it before me , went for some drink , but before she could return i had swallowed it all : she fetcht me more , which went the same way with as much celerity . but like quick-silver it wrought quite through me , not staying a quarter of an hour . the manner whereof was thus : about to pay my reckoning , my groat got into a piece of paper ; i fumbled a great while in my pocket , but found it not , which put me even to my wits ends . at last drawing out some papers , and shaking them my groat dropt ; perceiving its fall might be dangerous , there being many holes in the floor , i catcht after it ; notwithstanding it fell upon the very brink of an hole ; what with hast to recover it , and the fright the danger put me into , i discharged my self of every bit i had eaten . there was no body could say , i had fouled my breeches , or that i stunk ; which i made appear to my landlady by showing her what i had evacuated , but little differing from what i had eaten a quarter of an hour before . the good old woman perswaded me strongly to eat it again ; for said she , it cannot be much the worse for just passing through you , and i will fry it if you please . i thought i should now have dyed with laughter at her strange proposition ; but the woman star'd upon me , not knowing whether i grin'd or laught . well , well , said she at last , if you will not eat such good victuals , some body else shall . i offer'd her my groat , which she refus'd , telling me there was as much more to pay ; i told her that was all the moneys i had about me , and that i would pay her the rest the next day . but she for her part thought it was unjust , to listen to the arguments of trust . and therefore told me plainly she would have her reckoning . i bid her stay a while : then assoon as she had turned her back i attempted to march off , but my strength failing me , i wanted swiftness , and so was brought back . i made her acquainted with my condition how miserable it was ; i needed not many arguments to persuade any into that belief , for my person was the true embleme of misery . she gave a serious attention to what i exprest , and at last melted into tears , commiserating my misfortunes ; she caus'd instantly a bed to be warm'd , where being laid , she ordered a cawdle to be made , & in fine shew'd a world of kindness to me , not imagining what she aim'd at . she would not let me stir out of my bed but whilst it was making , for above a week ; at the conclusion of which i began to recover a little colour in my cheeks , & grew indifferent strong ; she gave me moneys in my pocket , & told me i must walk into the fields with her . i blest my self , and that angel that directed my feet to the finding that lost groat which was the occasion of my restitution to a condition of living again . by this time i imagined what my old gentlewoman expected : wherefore , in the first place i acknowledged how much i was obliged to her matchless civilities , and that it was impossible for me to return her answerable satisfaction . rowling her pretty piggs-eyes to and fro in her head , i require ( said she ) nothing but your love. if it must needs be so ( thought i ) there is no way better then to let fancy form her beautiful , and so by the force of imagination i shall injoy as much pleasure as if lying with venus , though in conjunction with this succubus . we us'd not many ceremonies , ( like puling-whining lovers , that are always saying grace , but never fall to ) but taking the convenience of a ditch underneath a bushy-topt hedge we conferred notes . had any seen us in this posture , they would have concluded old winter metamorphosed into an old woman lying in a dike , and that flora was converted into a young man , and both in an unnatural conjunction . or that youthful phoebus had contracted his rays to court a lump of ice , but with shame was forced to desist , finding his powerful endeavours ineffectual in the production of a thaw . whenever i wanted a small sum , a kiss or two , or the saying i loved her , extracted so much as supplied my present occasions ; if i wanted a sum considerable , why then a quarter of an hours discourse in private effected my desires . most that knew me wondred what politick stratagems i us'd that i so suddenly wound my self out of that labyrinth of all sorts of miseries , & that i appeared both in feature and garb so excentrick to my former condition . i had as many pretences to blind the world as there were various suspitions of pragmatick persons . in short , i was now very well apparell'd , well furnisht with moneys , i kept my horse , nay my whor●… too ; this i made use of for what she was , the other for what she had . so seemingly happy was the present state of my life , that i deem'd it impossibly unalterable by any decree of fate . chap. xxvii . he makes a ramble into the country , takes some observations as be travelleth ; and is soundly beaten for attempting to board a small irish pinnace . i began now to be somewhat weary of the city , and therefore resolved to refresh my self with the country air. i acquainted my patroness therewith ; who with much regret condescended , conditionally two days should be the utmost time of my absence . that morning i set forth , there was such solemn leave taken between us , as if my voyage had been intended for the indies . about to amount , she retrived my intentions , clasping me in her arms ; i should rather have chosen the imbraces of a she-bear , as thinking her breath far sweeter ; and truly i have often wondred at my recovery in so impure and unwholsom air . being on horse-back she so bathed her cheeks with tears ( wanting no moisture , derived from an everlasting spring of humours distilling from her head ) that you would have sworn she was the representation of the pig-woman in ben's bartholomew fair . had not her watry flood-gates drowned her eyes , i think she would have stood looking after me that way i rid till my return . well , there is no fool like the old doting fool : and were i again to love for interest , i would choose such a person . your young skittish things that onely mind their pleasures , think they have done a man a courtesie that merits reward , if they admit him into their private samiliarity , because they find fond man so passionate and impatient in the prosecution of his desires : and then again , having variety of courtiers , they are too sensible , that if one w●…ll not meddle with the bait , a second will nibble at it so long till he is caught with the hook . whereas a woman stricken in years , and having lost her beautiful allurements is disregarded , & lookt on as no fit subject for love to treat on ; not but the may have as youthful desires as any ; and if that way inclin'd , none so prone as she . for knowing she hath nothing but her wealth to attract withal , she will freely part with it for her self-satisfaction ; and that she may not loose her stallion , constantly encourage him even to the exhausting of what she hath . moreover , finding the man to answer her expectations , she studies all ways imaginable how to please him in every thing , that he may please her in that one thing . but to my purpose : coming to balle-mor●…-eustace , a little beyond the town , ( which is in the county of wicklow ) there is a small river in the summer-time not above knee-deep ; i perceived a young woman about to cross it ; drawing to the water , she stood not on the niceties of modesty , but pulled up her cloaths to the wast . the sight hereof stopt me , and as near as i could opposite to her . she minded me not , but came straight over to me , and at about three yards distance let down her coats . i observed so many excellencies that my blood began to boyl , and myflesh was all of a flame . for her hair which naturally curled , and was plaited , was of a bright flaxen , each hair in the sun glittered like a thred of gold. here take notice by the way , that the maids for the most part , winter & summer , go without any coverings on their head , which they wash all over every night ; the meaner sort assoon as married wear kerchers . she had an angelical countenance , onely somewhat brownish by the suns frequent kissing of it ; i know not whether i may adjudge that a deformity . the skin of her body might vye with snow for whiteness , &c. i dismounted , & addrest my self to her in english ; she answered me in her own language , she understood me not : then did i make use of that little irish i had learned , which were some fragments of lecherous expressions , to which she replied , but i understood her not . to be brief , i so far prevailed that i got her into a small wood , in which the thick & spreading tops of the trees seemed to lay their heads together in conspiracy to keep not only the suns entry , but also the curious search of any mortals eye . she permitted me to kiss , dally , lay my hands on her thigh , &c. which were the only preludiums of what should follow . but herein i mistook , for their dispositions are much different from the english. we use to say , that where we gain over any woman the liberty to use the hand , we cannot fail of doing what we most desire : whereas quite contrary they will without the least opposition permit the first , but with the greatest difficulty admit of the last . for assoon as she saw me ready to engage , she cryed out incessantly , whillallalloo ; and presently i could hear this ululation ecchoed . i had just recovered my horse , when two or three fellows came running to me , the one with a flail , the rest with long poles . the first salutation i received was from the flail , which failed but little of doing my business : the next my horses crupper received ; the poor beast being civilly bred , could do no less then return them a congee with his leg , which made one of them fall on his knees to his master , as if he had been monarch of that soil . these two rogues stood stiffly to me , insomuch that i knew not what course to take . the villains were so nimble , that one of them was continually before me hindring my slight , whilst the other drub'd me forward . i bethought my self of a pistol i had in my pocket charged without a bullet ; i drew it , presented , and pretended i would fire if they desisted not ; for these stupid fellows apprehended not the danger : perceiving how stupidly senseless they were , i fir'd it full in the sace of him that fronted me , who verily believ'd he had been shot , & so out of conceit ( for they are naturally very timerous ) fell down as dead ; the other seeing that , ran away as swift as lightning , whereby i had leave to ride on , which i did ( you may think ) with no ordinary speed . lovers may talk of their sufferings by their mistress frowns , or obdurateness , but let any one judge of mine by the blows i received ; sighing is nothing to fighting , and a few tears are not to come in competition with dry basting . pox on them they made me out of conceit with love for six weeks after . i never thought of enjoying a woman since ; but the remembrance of those three bog-trotters converted the hot fit of my amorous fever into a cold one . a little way from baltinglass i took up my quarters for that night . the inn i lay in was one story high , about the height of an extraordinary pigsty , and there was one chinney in it too , more then there is to be found in one of an such hovils . the good man well-com'd me after his fashion , but i think an anthropophagus or indian man-eater would have done it as civily . i bid him set up my horse by signs , ( for that was the language we converst in ) but alass there was no other stable but what was at the end of our kitchin ; our dining-room , bed-chamber , pigsty , pantry and buttery , being all one , without distinction or separation . some few wattles ( as they call them ) were placed above , that was our hay-loft . the onely door of our inn was a large hurdle , much like a sheep-pen . the bann●…ttee or good wife of the house , could speak a little broken english. i askt her what i should have for supper ? thou shalt have a supper said she for st. patrick a gra . i staid an half hour expecting when she would lay down something to the fire , but instead thereof she brings me in a wooden platter a great many leeks , in the bottom whereof was a good quantity of bay-salt , and withal a loaf as black as if the meal had been wetted with ink. seest tou tere , chreest himself nor st. patrick did ever eat better ting . i could not forbear smiling , which put her into a great passion : for if a man eats not what they set before him , they think themselves highly affronted . because i would please them ( not knowing but that i might find as bad sawce here ) i pretended to eat , conveying it into my boots . after supper i askt them for a clean pipe ; the woman brought me one about an inch long , telling me it was very clean , for her husband had not smoakt in it above ten times . i judged it to be the ruines of the first pipe that was made , which was conveyed from one of that famility to another , conditionally they should constantly smoke in it without burning it . they offered me some snuff too ; which is one of the greatest kindnesses they can either show or be shown . i called for some drink , ( to try whether that corresponded with the rest ) and so it did , for there was no swallowing it without chewing . finding but little satisfaction i desired to go to bed. that i should instantly , they said , but i wondred where they intended to lay me . in a little while in came a lusty wench with a bundle of rushes on her head , my bed it seemed by the sequel , which she spreading on the ground , covered them with a caddow or rugg . here i must lye or no where , patience was my onely comfort ; wherefore stripping my self to my drawers and stockins , i laid my self down . about two hours after came in two cows , three or four piggs , some ducks and geese , ( which they brought not in before , out of civility to me . ) all their family being within doors ; the good man , his wife , and two daughters , stripping themselves stark naked , lay down altogether by my side , which seem'd somewhat strange to me . i could hardly forbear the two young ones , but that my late misfortune was so fresh in my memory . i could not sleep all that night , wherefore very early i discharged my reckoning , and so set forward for dublin with all the expedition i could , not liking the country-entertainment . i would not ride the same way back as i came , to avoid my bone-breakers ; but it had been as well ; for coming to a river that i must foard , i askt a fellow which was the safest place : he pretended no knowledge of what i said , wherefore making signs to him , he answer'd me again with his hand , directing me to such a place ; at the first step my horse and i plunged over head and ears ; and had not my horse been strong , we had both perished . with much difficulty we got up the bank on the other side , and looking behind me , the villain was e'ne almost out of fight . such causeless revenge they frequently exercise towards the english , naturally hating us with a perfect antipathy . i returned at length to my old hostess , resolving when next i undertook such a journey , i would steer by the compass of other mens experience . chap. xxviii . the manner of his stealing an hogshead of french wine from the custom-house . tracing the street , i chanced to cast my eye on a fellow , the flowness of whose pace informed me of the idleness of his condition . his garb was so preposterously unsuitable , that a man could not possibly look on him without excessive laughter . to the intent you may participate with me in the same sport , i shall open his wardrobe . in general there was not any thing he did wear that had not some times another property , & of which one might derive another pedigree . the hat he had on was devested of all royal dignity , having lost its crown , and yet his crime would not be allowed of as capital . but what it wanted in one place was supplied in another , the brims whereof being so large , they might have conveniently served as a pent-house for another besides himself . but this ingenious squire politickly had pin'd up the brims on one side , that he might have some light to discern his way ; his hat thus pin'd up on the one side lookt much like a trap-door pull'd up . his band was so torn and dirty , as if he had but just come from some fray ; and lest passion should prove obnoxious , time had done him that courtesie to purge away his choler . in what condition his doublet was behind , i could plainly discover through the holes of his cloak , which generally was so transparent , that the rents and patches of several colours of his cloaths were as visible as if you had lookt through lawn . the forepart of his doublet and his breeches i am confident were the off-spring of the furniture of a billiard-table . his cloak proceeded from a boat-tilt , whose grandfather was an horse-cloth ; and i could not look on his breeches , but it put me in mind of the scotch flaggs that hung up●… westminster . his skirts were so liquor'd and greas'd , that in case of extremity they might have served for belly-pieces , not using any thing but their own fatness to fry them in by his countenance be seemed like a man of courage and ingenuity , and so i could not chuse but endeavour his relief . wherefore i accosted him , pretending i had seen him somewhere , but could not for the present call to mind the place . his necessity made him assent to whatever i said ; and defiring his company to an ale-house , he readily granted my request . by what unhappy accident he became thus miserable , i know not , but the man was well furnisht both with natural and acquir'd parts . having had various discourses of several matters , and that we began to be familiarly acquainted , i askt him why he rapt himself up so close in his cloak ? o sir , said he , ( to be plain ) i have a maim'd doublet , and i have heard some say , there is nothing more prejudicial to a wound than the intromission of air ; which that network garment of yours ( said i ) will never be able to keep out . he replyed , 't is true , sir , i find it so , but i wish it were a net , for then i might employ my self by fishing . i was so well pleased in my new acquaintance , that ( bidding him stay there till my return , which should be speedy ) i went and procured him all things necessary for to cover his nakedness ; the last thing he put on was his shoes ; finding them to have soals , they added new life to him . having thus cast ( colt-like ) his ragged coat , i was not ashamed to walk with him in the streets ; coming to the custom-house we saw several pipes and hogsheads of wine . viewing all the places belonging thereunto , said i , methinks it is no difficult matter to steal one of these hosheads , had i but assistance . you shall not want mine , sir , ( said he ) even to the hazard of my life , which i shall never look on as a sufficient requital for this singular favour you have now conferr'd on me . having walkt there a while , we went down to a place called lazy hill , where i found out two or three pure rogues more , one whereof had a boat. i informed them of my design ; they willingly promised their helping hand , and the time appointed for the effecting our intentions , was that night about twelve . accordingly we all met , and having procured an empty hogshead , we fill'd it with water , and away we went in the boat. the tide ebbing had left dry ground underneath the key , where i planted three of our company , instructing them that assoon as they found the coast cleer above , they should with slings ( which they had for that purpose ) leave the hogshead of water , & exchange it for one of wine ; which done , they should march off immediately . i and my new comerade marcht up the custom-house stairs , where we encountred with two old watchmen . they askt us what our business was , we told them we had no other design but to drink with them , having been a little frolicksome the other side the water . the old watchmen were very joyful at this news , and so giving one of them money to fetch some drink , the other carried me to the lodge . the drink being come , they minded that so much , they had forgotten their duty ; & i played them so close with whole ones , that they were incapable of holding one more : in the mean time my comrogues were gone , pretending our boat was a drift : we took our leaves ; being five of us concerned , we scorned to sell our wine , but contracting with some to find sugar , with others westphalia hams , or such like relishing meats , and with others to be at the expence of musick , but every one to be at his own charge for wenches ; we never gave over ranting and roaring till we had dreined the hogshead dry . chap. xxix . his landlady dyeth , and so is left again to live by his wits ; his comerade is hanged , with some hints of his desperate , irreligious , and atheistical tenents . in the height of our jollity , word was brought me that my landlady was dangerously sick , and that she desired to speak with me instantly ; thinking it was onely a sit of lecherous and salacious itch , i made no great haste , but at length i went : assoon as i entred within her doors , i received the sad tydings of her death . i ran up stairs ( not believing this report , because i would not have it so ) but found it too true : viewing her as she lay , i perceived her hand fast clincht : i took it into mine , and wrenching it open , there dropt ten pieces of gold , which i conceive she intended to have bestowed on me whilest living , as her last legacy . i conveyed them privately into my pocket , and presently made enquiry how she had disposed of her estate ; but i received little or no satisfaction herein , only to my great vexation , i heard she often to the very last called much upon me . i stayed not above two or three days in the house , but i was forced to leave it . i met with my obliged friend , to whom i communicated my late misfortune : he like an experienc'd stoick counsel'd me to bear my loss patiently , since that is below a man to repine at any sublunary casualty , much more to sink under the burden of any vexations cross , or remediless loss . we discoursed what expedient we were best to take , and to encrease our small stocks by some witty exploit . we propounded many things which we approved not of . we thought of turning highway-men ; but i disswaded him from that , by informing him that money was very scarce , and that men of l. per annum usually travelled or miles with a single cob , or piece of eight , not so much for fear of robbing as for want of coyn ; and that is the reason that all sorts of provision are very cheap , because there is so great a scarcity of that should purchase them . why then said he , there is mony enough in the exchequer . but said i , it is so difficult to come at , that i will not hazard my life in the attempt . hearing me speak in this manner , he lookt upon me in derision : saying , that fear was a passion unworthy to be lodg'd in the soul of man , and that there is nothing here which a man either should or need to fear , secundum religionem stoici : and that man deserved not the fruition of the least happiness here , that would not , rather then go without it , venture his neck . we had so hot a contest about this , that we parted in anger , and never saw him afterwards till i heard of his condemnation , which was occasioned by the prosecution of what he propounded to me . two or three more besides himself combined to rob the exchequer , but were apprehended in the enterprize , committed , arraigned at the bar , convicted and condemned . hearing hereof , i gave him a visit in prison ; expressing much sorrow for what he was to suffer : but he onely laught at me for my pains . i des●…'d him to be more serious , since three dayes would put a period to his life ; and then he must give an account of what he had done on earth , and that though we might sooth up our selves in all manner of debauchery here , yet without cordial repentance we must suffer for it hereafter , prethee , said he , do not trouble thy head with such idle fancies , and so break out into atheistical mocks and expostulations , not fit to be mentioned ; and would have proceeded , but i desir'd him to desist . now his prophane and irreligious discourse did so bore my glowing ears , that notwithstanding the wickedness of my own nature , i could not endure to hear him blaspheme ; wherefore instead of endeavouring to rectifie his erroneous judgement , ( for to speak the truth , my knowledg at that time was but slender in the doctrine of christianity ) i say i durst not discourse longer , but left him to his own conscience for conviction , which i judg'd would be powerful with him at the place of execution . the day being come , i resolved to see the final end of my friend . and there did i enjoy the fruits of my hopes and wishes . for as soon as the halter was about his neck he roared so loud with his voice , that it could not but awake the most lethargick conscience that ever the devil lull'd asleep . there i might see and know by the urinal of his eyes , and the water standing therein , what convulsion fits his soul suffer'd , his own mouth confessing how greivously his diseased soul was stretched upon the rack of despair : then it was that the voluminous registers of his conscience , which did formerly lye claps'd in some unsearcht corner of his memory , were laid open before him , and the devil , who hitherto gave him the lessening end of the prospect to survey his licentious courses and damned opinion , now turned the magnifying end to his eye , which made him cry out at last for mercy and so was turn'd off . chap. xxx . he passeth for a'batchellor , courts several under the pretence of marrying them , by which he perswades some out of their maiden-heads ; others out of their money , with which he goes for england ; at chester he cheats his lanllord , where having all things requisite to compleat an high way-man , followeth that trade , he is met with by some of that gang , who intending to rob him he discovers his intentions , and they admit of him into their society . being left now to shift for my self , having lost the main prop that sustain'd me in all conditions , husbanding well the advantage of this contrary wi●…d , i presen●…y set the engine of my brain to work , and thus it was ; i addrest my self to courtship . beauty was not the mark i aimed , the purchase thereof producing little profit , since it self is most commonly the sole reward ; neither can a man attain to it but by great expence outvying all therein , least any interpose . either wealthy and aged widdows , or thrifty maids , who had laid up what they had gotten in service as a bait to procure an husband , such did i daily hunt out and visit by turns . i was not sparing of amorous expressions , showing therein the height of zeal , by which means i deluded several . some i was forced to give earnest to for their goods before they would trust me with what they had . this course i followed till i was generally taken notice of for a grand deceiver . having now gotten a round sum of money by me , i borrowed where ever i could , so crossing s. georges channel , in twenty four hours i landed at chester . i took up my quarters in a very graceful inn , and gave out immediately that i had an hundred head of cattel ooming . the master of the house taking notice of my extraordinary garb , and believing the report which i had caus'd to be spread abroad , lodg'd me with much respect in one of the best chambers of his house . the wind favoured my design as much as i could desire , for it blew east-north-east , by which no shipping could come out of ireland . one day i came to my landlord , and telling him that by reason of the non arrival of my cattel , i was disappointed of moneys , and therefore i desired him to lend me ten pounds and he should satisfie himself in the first choice of the best of my beasts when they came , and swore to him i would perform my promise to him upon the word of a gentleman . so that without any scruple he lent me the money . being market day i bought an excellent gelding with fur●…iture thereunto belonging , with sword and pistols , and in this equipage mounted , i taking my leave of my credulous landlord , without speaking a word to him . i had not r●…d far before three well mounted rid by me , ( i found them afterwards to be the van-guard ) having as many more in the rear . at the bottome of an hill they before faced about , and bidding me stand , those in the rear reinforc'd the van. one of them clapping a pistol at my breast , commanded me forthwith to deliver , sweraing three or four full mouth'd oaths . i saw it was now to little purpose to resist although i was so well arm'd , and therefore endeavou●…ed a conquest some other way , viz. by smooth expressions . gentlemen ( said i ) ye are all mistaken ; neither do i greatly wonder thereat , since i verily belie●…e ye are fresh men , men of a days standing in the study of this noble science otherwise you might have distinguisht me from an honest man ; for i think in thi●… garb and posture , i look as suspitiously as any of ye ; onely i think i take a better course when ye to avoid apprehension , and ●…eap to my self greater satisfaction . for ye rob in companies , and if any one be taken his just fears frequently betray himself , but of●…ner the rest to destruction : whereas i robbing singly . i rob securely . now sirs ●…eely examine my pockets , where finding store of coyn , they demanded how i came by it ? i invented a lye to their general satisfaction ; which was , i had met with a booty a little before i met with them , which was the occasion of my being so well furnisht , but that which confirm'd them most was my be●…ng so well provided with pistols in my holsters , pockets and boots . instead of doing what they intended , they were then of another opinion , and all of them carest me in a very high manner ; resolving to be merry at the next inn , and there to admit me as a brother , having set up their horses , they went into a room before , whil'st i stayed sometime after for the benefit of easing nature ; coming in among them i thought my self mistaken in my company , & made a proffer to go out again ; but they laughing heartily called me back . i knew not one person , for they had pull●…d off their false beards , vizards , hoods , patches , wens , mufflers and perriwigs , together with those other disguises that obscured the natural proportion of their faces , so that they appear'd as other men . come said the cheif ( as i guest him to be by the sway he bore over the rest ) you are a freshman , and therefore want some of our instructions , which in due time you shall receive from us . in the first place it is fit that you take an oath which every young theif must observe that is admitted into the brother-hood , or at his investation into the honour of one of the knights of the road : which was to this effect , first , they read a charge of sec●…ecy , that what ever misf●…ortune happened to cloud their freedom by rendring them as an object to justice and the law , they should concea●… their complices to the death , or against any other jeopardy whatsoever , burying in oblivion not only his confederates , but also his manner of entrance into this way . and further , they proceeded to swear me , that if the judges should press me to a discovery of particulars , that then i must cunningly create some men in my fancy , devising not only names , but to each man a particular feature , describing their stature , complexion and age , as also their dwelling place . still provided that the place of their abode be far enough off . and then before enquiry be made , the danger of the tryal may be over or past : and then again this pretended discovery may purchase favour from the bench. further , if i should be examined , why , and how i fell into these courses , i must then tell them that i was born a gentleman , and well educated , but being a younger brother , i had not where withal allowed me for a subsistance , and rather then i would live beneath my birth , or disparage the stock from whence i came ( here fetching a deep sigh and looking very sadly ) necessity constraining me to supply my wants , i fell into these wicked courses , which will make them think you are some misled young man whom temptations had drawn aside , and so cause them to take pity of your condition ; and if their mercy extend to the remission of your guilt , it shall not only rest you from the punishment of the law , but from the persecution of your past evils . by this means we may have liberty to fall to our old courses ; nor must conscience trouble us but dispence with every impiety , and glory in the greatest iniquities , counting him most honourable who is grown the oldest , and most exquisite , experienced practitioner of all manner of vice . much more was committed to my memory for future observation , which for brevity sake i shall omit . chap. xxxi . some instructions given me by our grand master thief . after i was sworn , and full bowls of sack had trou●…d round , our grand master thief , composing his countenance , and looking very gravely , come my new and young knight of the road , be ruled by me whose long experience makes me able to comma●…d , and my love to you willing to instruct you . ever lurk or lie in some by-place most advantagious and least suspitious which yields the eye the prospect of the road so strictly view the booties , that other mens missortunes may enrich your condition , and the honest mans loss be your gain ; and be sure you draw every advantage that may promote your cause to the longest extent . for your masks and chin cloth , thus must you place them and fit them at a moment to disguise your faces , thereby to blind the intellects of such as by constraint pay tribute to your wants who then can know and with confiderate heed directly swear you are the man , when these artificial vizards are withdrawn , and so the visible tokens vanish that might inform mens knowledge , what you are , and that your words may have a different sound alter your voice , that so as your habit , face , and haire obscure your discovery ; your speech ( reputed undisguiseable ) will add to your concealment and security . be sure you ingeniously contrive a watch-word to your selves that may occasion no suspition ; as we are like to have a fair day or a foul , according as the weather is like to prove , which being nam'd let every man fall to his work , those that are strongest at the grasp , and have hearts accordingly , let them seize first , alwayes duly observing this , to catch the bridle by the left hand , and with the right draw your sword. if he or they resist , the one prevents his flight , the other cuts , and so cools his courage . the weaker sorts charge is to bid stand , and confronting the horses head , present a pistol fit for to discharge . if they deny delivering patiently what they have , but contend , you must wave all nicetie , but cut them soundly ; if that will not qualifie their foolish presumption , be sure you fire not without doing execution , and then with what speed fly , after you have with expedition taken the pillage of the field . if you are pursu'd by an hue and cry , obscure your self in some place or other , and let it pass by you , and then to be sure it will never overtake you , if a prize comes by , or in your sight , if up the hill meet him , if down follow close at the heels , and having more in company then your self , let each man single out his choice which he likes to deal with , the coast being clear fall up all to your close order and side , be sure that you joyntly seize your prize . but here observe let not any baseness of spirit unman you . for ( speaking to me ) nature hath bestow'd on you the full proportion of limbs , and seem'st a man of courage , suitable to the largeness of thy manly size , but be not surpriz'd with fear or cowardise if the affailed boldly assaults thee . full fraught with the documents which i receiv'd from my old experienced master , i resolv'd upon some atcheivement : between two and three in the afternoon i my self with four more set out ; we planted our selves in a convenient place , only i was sent out for a discoverer , not rightly understanding my trade i wandered too far , but in my digression i met with a single person whom i bid stand , which he would have done , and as willingly have surrendred his purse , but that he was mounted on a stone-horse , i on a mare . assoon as i had given the word his stone-horse wheel'd off and came in the rear of me , i thinking he intended to crupper me , endeavoured all wayes imaginable to prevent him , for there was something it seems under my mares tail more powerful , which at that time i dreamt not of , i led him round and round several times circularly , the poor harmless gentleman fearing he should provoke me too much by delays , the unruliness of his horse hindring my seising the booty , cry'd out worthy sir , take what i have and spare my life , at that very instant his horse reared his two fore feet upon me and my mare , in so much that i thought he said , i 'le take both life and money too presently ; fear had then rendred me so incapable of performing the office or a thief . with that i put spurs to my mare , and flew through the air for the procuration of my safety . notwithstanding i made what speed i could , the other was close at my heels , striving and kicking with both my legs , one of my pistols went off in my pocket , the apprehension of the present danger had bereft me of the true use of my sense , for i imagined that my back friend had discharged at me , which made me roar out for quarter . he on the contrary concluded i fought tartar like flying and that i had fired it at him , which made him with much eagerness eccho out with repetition this expression , as you are a man , shew your self merciful . sometimes he would say for heavens sake hold , good sir stop , which made me ride more furiously , thinking he called to the country , hold him , stop him ; at last do what i could , his stone-horse leapt up upon us , at that instant ( by what means i know not ) we all came headlong to the ground . i expected how that my imaginary adversary would be upon me , and cut my throat before i could recover my legs , wherefore i started up and found my mortal foe up before me and upon the run . i could have hang'd my self to think i should be reckoned among the number of men , and yet want that spirit and courage which compleats a man ; but loosing no time i pursu'd him , and easily made my self possessor of what he had ; sirrah said i , if e're i meet thee again , and find thee so obstinate , or durst resist , as now thou hast done i will tye thee to a tree in some obscure place , where none can hear thy doleful cryes , and there for six days thou shall have no other food but what i shall bring thee , once a day during that term i will visit thee , and each days meat shall be either a peice of thine own sword broken into small bits , or those bullets ( which thou intendest for the destruction of honest men ) dissolv'd and mingled with gunpowder , which shall be convey'd to thy mouth through the muzzle of thine own pistol . it pleased me exceedingly to see how pitifully and submissively he look't , for verily i durst not have utter'd half so much if he had shown an austre countenance . as i was framing a lye to delude my comerades ( when i should meet them ) into a beleif how valiant i was , and dextrous in prosecution of that design i had newly undertaken , i lookt about me and saw them all at my elbow . i now believ'd ( which i easily perceiv'd by their flearing looks ) that they were all eye-witnesses of my dangerous encounter . oh brother , said one , how i' st , are you well ? i askt him the reason of his impertinent question ? because , said he , we took notice of the great danger you were in even now , narrowly escaped of being shot by a pocket inkhorn . without doubt , brother , you are very heard hearted to fly ( riding full speed ) at the very naming of , good sir be merciful , the poor harmless soul making frequent repetition thereof , but you stopping your ears from all intreaties , his stone horse seem'd to be his advocate , and to that intent ran after your mare , endeavouring to court her into an intercession for his master , i should never have stopt their mouths had i not shew'd them what i had gotten , which was not inconsiderable . it was twy-light as we met with another prize , which was of a different temper from the former . for though he and his fellow traveller were ( comparatively to any of us ) but pigmies , yet of so undaunted resolution and unresistable courage , that neither threats of death , or torture ( i am confident ) could dull the edges of their couragious spirits , which might be in part understood by their deportment to us , for had we not slasht , carbonadoed , and forceably bound them , rather then they would have yeilded willingly , they would have stoopt to death . our power having subdued them , we withdrew them into a secret place , leaving them not any thing valuable . then did i learn to search with so strickt care , that sooner might the grand turk turn roman catholick then conceal a penny from me ; here was i taught to be deaf when the poor traveller cries he is undone ; and to be more flinty then adamant , not to be mov'd with sighs or tears . having ingag'd them by oath not to follow us by hue and cry , or by means of a general rising of the towns adjacent ; these two fellows robbed , rifled and amazed , we left wrapt up in woes , and hasted away to secure our selves . i shall conclude this chapter with a relation how i was quit with my comrades upon the account of fear or timorousness . neither could they justly tax me with it , since they are things c●…tail'd upon the profession . for every crow that flies extracts a fear , and every thing that doth but stir , or make the bushes rush , seemb'd to our fearful fancy a constable to apprehend us for our theft . i cannot forget how strong a confusion arose amongst us by a triffle , the means were so small , and the occasion so ridiculous , that when after i thought thereon ( though by my self ) i could not forbear laughing excessively , & condemn the t●…merity of such minds so meanly spirited . 't was thus in short , an owle who to gain thelter from the troubles of a sun-shine day , when all the aire tribe ( wandring ) flock to him , screen'd himself in the obscure retired residence of an hollow tree ; no sooner had he cloister'd up himself , but between discontent & something of a pleasing satisfaction he first utter'd his amazing screeks , being in a slumber , and dreaming of the assaults were made at him by his feather'd enemies , of all sorts , and then again awaking , whoopt for joy that he was delivered from them ; thus did he whoop and hollow incessantly , which infus'd such a terrour into our distrustful minds , that whips swiches , and spurs were all too few to expedite our hast . for we absolutely thought those hollows were the out-cryes of the country following us for what we had committed . we at length took sanctuary in an inn , where we had some interest and confidence in our security . understanding that our days work had been prosperous , our host calls lustily for sack , which the drawer doubles in the bar , the hostler must be one of our company too , and hail fellow with us , who knowing what courses we take , presume we dare not cavil , lest they betray our practises . sic nos non nobis . so we rob for them , and not for our selves ; for by that time we have prosusely frolickt ( a bill whereof shall be brought in of twice as much as we called for ) and have bestowed our largesses to the servants , and offer'd up our ( expected ) sacrifices to our landlady , or her daughter for some private favour received , we find our selves to have the least share , and so betake our selves to our trade ●…ill apprehension take from us that liberty , and the law sentenceth us to pay our lives as a just debt we owe to justice . chap. xxxii . scouring the road , he lights on a farmers house which he intended to rob , but desists from that resolution , falling in love with his daughter , who was exceeding beautiful ; gets her with child , under the pretence of marriage , but afterwards refusing it , she and her parents tax him with the undoing of the young woman ; whereupon he leaveth them , giving them no other satisfaction then what they could gather out of a copy of verses he sent them . riding along the road i met with a young girl with a milk-pail on her head , but i was amaz'd to see such perfection in one mortal face ; i rid up to her very near , purposely to entertain some discourse with her , introductory to a future acquaintance , considering the ground you may imagine the questions i propounded to this pretty rural innocent were fr●…volous enough ; as , which was the readiest way to such a place , &c. which with much respect and modest confidence she resolv'd ; she opening a gate to milk her cows , i followed , and tying my horse to an hedge i beg'd her an excuse for being so rude and beseecht her charitable opinion of my present actions , assuring her i would not offer the least injury nor prejudice to her chastity . being over-perswaded with my protestations and vows to that purpose , she admitted me to sit down and discourse with her whilest she performed the office of a milk-maid . i could hardly contain my self within bounds when i viewed her pretty little hand stroking the duggs . which indeed had so heightned my amorous passion , that i soon forgot my oaths and promises , but after some dalliance , what by intreaties and love perswasions , and what by corporeal strength i obtained my desires . we then grew somewhat more familiar , but the burden of the song was , i had undone her ; let him that reads judge the truth thereof . we concluded at length that she should go home to her fathers house , and that near night i would come thither likewise , according to the time appointed , as if i had never seen her before , and that i casually rid that way for information in the steering of my course regularly in the prosecution of my journey . she subtilly goes in and acquaints her father and mother that there was a gentleman ( witl 〈◊〉 ) whom by his countenance , garb and jesture , shew'd himself no less ; that fearing to travel farther , being night , knowing not the way , desir'd to rest himself there till morning . with much respects from her parents to her own great satisfaction ( which i discern'd in her eyes ) i was kindly entertain'd , and nobly treated . that night we intended to be better acquainted by the renovation of our late enjoyments ; but our unlucky starrs were impropitious to our amorous designs next morning i seem'd to be very ill , that i might have some pretence for my staying , which i acquainted the daughter withal , the old people were very loving and courteous , so that as soon as they heard thereof , with much pitty they visited me , and with as much care they provided what was necessary for me . i offer'd them money , shewing good store of gold that they might have the better esteem of me . thus i lay for at least a fortnight ; several doctors had been with me , but none knew my distemper . all this while i nightly had the society of my fresh country mistress , who deviated from the common customes of her sex , did not coyishly refuse that which was the center of her hopes wishes and desires . fearing least i might be suspected i left off counterfeiting and shew'd them some recovery of my strength , when at any time the good old people would come into my chamber to sit with me , the main subject of my discourse would be the resentments of their favours , and that if i liv'd i would gratefully repay them . being restor'd to my former heathful condition , i one day told them i could never recompence their love and care of me but by marrying their daughter , whom i told them i loved most affectionately . her parents made many excuses , as that she was but a poor country girle and the like , but glad i perceived they were to hear such an overprized motion . enquiries i made in a neighbouring town what this farmer was , whom i understood by all to be very wealthy , and that time was not more careful to furnish him with silver hairs , then he industrious to maintain them by the procuration of a plen●…iful estate : my wanton was his only darling , for whom he furrowed the surface of the earth , and for whom he chose rather to sell then to eat his better sort of provision , that he might add to her portion . it was now , he thought he had well bestowed his labour , since he had met with such a blessed opportunity wherein he should add gentility to his daughters riches . o the slaughter of piggs , geese capons , which as to some idol were sacrifices diurnally , offered to procure my favour ! and as he was liberal in his food , so was not i sparing in the sending for wine , six dozen of bottles at a time : so that the old man was brough to this pass , that he cared not whether he spent his estate on me or gave it ; and that young girl , so well pleased with her imaginary paradise here , that i am confident she would never have been induced to have exchanged this for any other on equal terms . inexpressable was our satisfaction on all hands , but nothing gave them greater content then to see us together , by which we had as many opportunities as we listed . my main aim was still to know of my young mistress what store of coyn her father had , and where it lay , but to my great greif and vexation she told me he had not five pound within doors , having lately bought a purchase . i now thought it was to little purpose to stay longer , since i could not glean from her fathers harvest , though i had reapt the crop of her mothers labour , and so resolved to be going , but not without one nights solemn leave taking of her ; the night being come , she purposely stayed up till all the rest were gone to bed . but we being too imprudently hasty in the kitchin , stumbled against two barrels piled one on the other , and fell ; and we both were so intangled , that we could not digsinage our selves so soon , but that her father came out crying , in the name of goodness what is the matter ? and groping about caught me by the naked breech . seeing there was no remedy , i desired him to be silent ; and not spread his daughters disgrace , if so , i would make her shortly a recompence . the old man was very much perplext , and could not forbear telling his wife of what had past . they both cryed out that their daughter was undone ; the daughter was in the same tone , unless i would spedily marry her . i stayed afterwards about some three dayes to colour the matter , and at last marcht off incognito , sending her twenty peices of gold , and a coppy of verses , which as too plain and pertinent to the sweet treatments had past between us we shall at present here omit . chap. xxxiii . from this farmers house he rides he cared not whither . on the road he is strangely surprized by a woman robber in mans apparrel ; he discovers it by unbuttoning her breeches to search for private pockets within . they two conclude a perpetual friend-ship . a bruptly takeing my leave of the farmer and his loving daughter , i rid a long time but met with none worthy of my taking cognizance ; being wearied i struck into an inn , and by that time i had throughly refresht my self , the evening , began to approach . whereupon i mounted and so put on ; passing by a small coppice in a bottom between two hills , a gentleman ( as i then supposed ) well armed , and handsomely accoutred , started out upon me , and bid me deliver instantly . hearing him say so , i told him if he would have but the patience i would ; and with that drew out a pocket pistol and fired it at him , without doing any execution . if you are for a little sport ( said the gentleman ) i shall show you some instantly ; whereupon drawing a pistol he shot me into the leg ; having so done , with his sword ( which hung ready at his wrist ) neatly at a blow he cut the reins of my bridle , so that i was not able to guide my horse . but he being good at command and used to the charge , with the winding of my body , i gave him to understand what he was to do . come sir , said my adversary , have you enough yet ? in faith sir , said i , i 'le exchange but one pistol more , and if that prove insuccessful i shall submit to your mercy ; whereupon i shot but missed my mark ; however i killed his horse , which instantly fell , my gentleman was so nimble that before i could think what to do , he had sheathed his sword in my horses belly , which made me come tumbling down too with a horse-pox , once more said my antagonist , we are upon equal terms , and since the obscurity of the place gives us freedom , let us try our courages , one must fall . and thereupon with his sword ( which was for cut and thrust ) he made a full pass at my bodie , but putting it by i closed in with him and upon the hug threw him with much facility , i wondered much at it , which i need not have done since his nature ( as afterwards i understood ) was so prone to it . having him down , now , sir , said i , i shall teach you to be careful on whom you set , you have as imprudently undertaken this enterprize as a pickeroon did once , who seeing a man of war high built , and but few men aboard her discoverable , her port-holes being likewise fast , clapt her aboard imediately , thinking she had been a merchantman , but they found th contrary , the deck being instantly filled with men that were below , and running out her guns there could be no wisdom in resistance . wherefore now sir yeild , or i shall compel you ; with much reluctancy he did . with cords i had ready for that purpose , i tyed both his hands and feet , and so fell to riffling him . unbuttonning his doublet to find whether there was no gold quilted therein , i wondered to see a pair of breasts so unexspectedly greater and whiter then any mans ; but being intent about my business that amazement vanisht from my thoughts . then did i come to his breeches ( which i laid open ) my curious search omitted not any place wherein i might suspect the concleament of moneys , at last proffering to remove his shirt from between his legs , he suddenly cryed out ( and strove to lay his hand there , but could not ) i beseech you sir be civil , said he : i imagining that some notable treasure lay there obscured , i puled up his shirt ( alias smock ) and found my self not much mistaken . the sight so surpriezed me as if i had been converted into a statue by the head of a gorgon , but after a little pause , i hastily unbound her , and taking her in my armes , pardon me most couragious amazon , ( said i ) for thus rudely dealing with you it was nothing but ignorance that caused this errour ; for could my dim-sighted soul have diffinguisht what you were ; the greatness of love and respect i bear your sex would have deterred me from contending with you . but i esteem this my ignorance , my greatest happiness , since knowledge in this case would have deprived me of the benefit of knowing there could be so much prowe●… in a woman . for your sake i shall ever retain ( since you have restored it ) a good esteem of the worst of females . she beg'd me not to be too tedious in my expressions , nor pump for eloquent phrases alleadging this was no proper place to make orations in . but if you will enlarge your self , let us go to a place not far distant from this , better known but to few besides my self , i liked her advice very well , and returning what i had taken from her , i followed it , by following her through divers obscure passages till we came to a wood , wherein a place the sun had not seen since the first deluge , stood an house . at our approach the servants were all in a hurry who should first obey mrs. viragos commands , for they all knew her being no way estranged to her disguise , but wondered to see st. george , and his trusty esquire on foot , neither durst they show themselves inquisitive presently : with much respect we were conducted into a very stately room , where embracing each other , we knit an indissolvable tye of frindship . chap. xxxiv . after supper they enter in discourse , wherein she giveto him a short account of her life , and the cause of her undertaking such an extravagant and dangerous course ; relating how notably she revenged her self on her husband for his unworthy and base carriage towards her having refresht our selves with what the house afforded , and bottles and pipes had supplied the place of dishes ; we dialogu'd as famillarly , as if our acquaintance had bore equal date with our nativities . and now it was she laid her self open to me , not concealing any thing , having before made my self acquainted with her greatest secret. frankly she called for bottles of wine , which we smartly drank together , out of beer-glasses , had not supper been speedily provided , which required a cessation for some time , i should not have been in a condition to discern the dish , nor him that brought it to the table . having taken some rep●…st i began to be refresht , she not in the least disturbed all this while . i prest her to tell me what she was , and what manner of life she led . sir , said she , i cannot deny your request , wherefore to satisfie you , know that i was the daughter of a sword cut●…er . in my younger days my mother would have taught me to handle a needle : but my martial spirit gain-said all perswasions to that purpose . i could never endure to be among the utensils of the kitchin , but spent most of my time in my fathers shop , taking wonderful delight in handling those warlike instruments , to take a sword in my hand well mounted and brandish it , was reckoned by me among the chief of my recreations . being about a douzen years of age i studyed all wayes imaginable how i might make my self acquainted with a fencing-master , . time brought my desires to their complement , for such a one as i wisht for , casually came into our shop to have his blade furnisht , and fortune so ordered it there was none to answer him but my self having given him that satisfaction he desired , though not expecting it from me : amongst other talke i demanded of him whither he was not a professor of the noble science ? ( for i guest so much by his postures , looks , and expressions . ) he told me he was a well willer thereunto ; being glad of this oppertunity , desiring him to conceal my intentions , i requested him the favour as to give me some instructions how i should mannage a sword : at first he seemed amazed at my proposal , but perceiving i was in earnest , he granted my petition , allotting me such a time to come to him as was most convenient . i became so expert at back-sword and single-rapier in a short time , that i needed not his assistance any longer : my parents not in the least mistrusting any such thing . i shall wave what exploits i did by the help of a disguise , and only tell you that when i arrived to fifteen years of age an inn-keeper married me , and carried me into the country . for two years we lived very peaceably and comfortably together , but at length the insolent and imperious temper of my husband made me begin to show my natural humour once a week we seldom mist of a combat between us , which freequently proved so sharp , that it was well if my husband came off with a single broken pate , by which means the gaping wounds of our discontents and differences being not presently salved up they became in a manner incurable . i never was much inclined to love him , because he was of a mean , dastardly spirit , and ever hated that a dunghill-cock should tread a hen of the game . being stinted likewise of money , my life grew altogether comfortless , and i lookt on my condition as insupportable , wherefore as the only remedy or expedient to mitigate my vexatious troubles , i contrived a way how i might somtimes take a purse ; i judged this resolution safe enough , ( if i were not taken in the very fact ) for who could suspect me to be a robber , wearing abroad upon such designs mans apparel , but at home onely that which was suitable and agreable to my own sex. besides , none could have better encouragement and conveniency then my self ; for , keeping an inn who is more proper to have in custody what charge my guests brought into my house then my self ; or if committed to my husbands tutelage , i could not fail to inform my self of the richness of the booty . moreover , the hostess is the person whose company is most desired , before whom they are no wayes scrupulous to relate which way they are going , and frequently what the affair was that led them that way . courage i knew i wanted not , ( be you my impartial judge , sir ) what then could hinder me from being succesful in such an enterprize . being thus resolved ( i soon procured necessary habilliments ) for these my contrivances , and never miscarried in any of them till now . instead of going to market , or riding five or six miles about such a business , ( the usual pretences with which i blinded my husband ) i would when out of sight ride a contrary road to this house ( wherein we now are ) and here metamorphose my self , and being fitted at all points pad uncontroulably , coming off allwayes most victoriously . not long since my husband had about one hundred pounds due to him some twenty miles from his habitation , and designed such a day for its reception , glad i was to hear of this , resolving now to be revenged of him for all those injuries and churlish outrages be had committed against me , i knew very well which way he went , and knew the time of his coming home ; wherefore i way-laid him at his return . and happliy as i would have it , he did not make me wait above three hours for him . i let him pass me , knowing that by the swiftness of my horse i could easily overtake him , and so i did , riding with him a mile or two before i could do my intended business . at last ( looking about me ) i saw the coast clear on every side ; wherefore riding up close to him , and laying hold of his bridle , i clapt a pistol to his breast , commanding him to deliver , or he was a dead man. my imperious don seeing death before his face , had like to have saved me the labour by dying voluntarily without compulsion , and so amazed at his suddain surprizal , that he lookt like an apparition , or one lately risen from the dead . sirrha ( said i ) be quick : but a dead palsie had so served every part of him , that his eyes were incapable of directing his hands to his pocket . but i soon recalled his lost spirits by two or three smart blown with the flat of my sword , which so awakened him out of that deep lethargy he was in , that with much submissiveness he delivered me his moneys . after i had dismounted him and cut the reins of his bridle and girts , i basted him soundly , till that i had made jelly of his bones , and that his flesh lookt like egyptian mummy . mow you rogue ( said i ) i am even with you , have a care the next time how you strike a woman ( your wife ●… mean ) for none but such as dare not fight a man will lift up his hand against a weaker vessel . now you see what it is to provoke them , for if irritated too much they are restless till they have accomplisht their satisfactory revenge , i have a good mind to end thy wicked courses with thy life , but that i am loath to be hanged for nothing , such a worthless man. farewell , this money shall serve me to purchase wine to drink healths to the confusion of such rascally and mean spirited things ; and so i left him . she was a bout to have proceeded in such agreeable relations of her rencounters , when word was brought her up two gentlemen below desired to speak with her , craving my excuse she went down and in a little time returned with them : she made an apology to me for so doing , ading that if she had committed a crime herein , my future knowledg of those persons would extenuate it . by their effeminate countenances i could not miss of judging rightly what they were , viz. females . after several discourses we grew so familiar , that the longest continued friendship could not boast of more freedom . having talkt and drank our selves weary , we concluded to lye all in one chamber , there being two beds , what our nocturnal passages were , i 'le give the reader leave to imagine . chap. xxxv . here he relates ( modestly ) what satisfaction he received from his new female acquaintance , and what occasioned the two last income amazons to attempt the hazardous enterprizes of the high pad , with their character and course of life . though melancholly night had drawn her sable curtains about our hemisphere , yet the coverled of our opticks was not yet laid down to admit our active senses to their usual rest and repose , obscured darkness had every where proclaimed silence about us on penalty of distracted incomposedness ; yet we feared not the breach of those binding laws , by breaking our minds to each other interchangeably . my conquered foe ( now my new friend ) first began to relate to her old associates the rise of our late rencounter and the success , which she exprest with so much life and ingenuity , that they knew not which to value most , her wit , or my courage ; but when she came to relate the manner of the discovery of her sex , so petulant and facetious was her discourse , that it occasioned a great deal of laughter and mirth among us . having throughly discourst varieties , for further diversion one of these late incommers undertook to give us a summary of her comerades ( or sisters ) being therewith intermixt ; now i must give her leave to tell her own tale. sir , ( for to you i apply my discourse particularly , being wholly ignorant of what these two inseparable companions of mine well understand ) i shall not trouble your ear with any thing then what is absolutely necessary : laying aside therefore superfluous preambles , let me tell you i was the eldest daughter of a vintner in london , a man lookt on so wealthy , that he was called upon for alderman , having no more children then a son , my self , and this my dear sister , my metamorphosed follower . my brother i think was begat out of degenerate wine , and that made him so degenerate from virtue and a good spirit ; a hot firery fellow , always on the fret , till his cask or carcass was pierced ; and so i leave him as i found him , an empty , hogsheard . this obstacle being removed ( the remora to our ●…air promising fortune ) none were more extold and courted for wealth and beauty ( rarely seen together ) then my sister and self ; men of all sizes , both of wit , estate and stature , daily frequented my fathers house , pretending they came for the goodness of wine there vended , till they had got an interest in our acquaintance , and then they unmask their meaning . several overtures were made to our parents , who like good domestick polititians , seemed to like , too incourage them to continue coming for their expence sake ; frequently they bespake dinners , vying who should exceed in prodigallity , thinking thereby to gain esteem , while the old fox did but laugh at them in private for their pains my mother had her trade at her fingers ends ; for when she would oblidge any of them to any treaty , it was but calling him son , or sirrah you are a wag , my benjamin must have the largest portion , &c. by this means she chained them to the house , and to engage them the more , permitted us to bear them company ; but fearing least we might glut our idolators by too long staying ( for we sooner surfeit on delicates then courser fare ) our mother would call us , pretending present business , and would then supply the place her self ; then would they charge afresh , till they had blinded one another . i must needs say , my mothers company was deservingly desireable : for though she had past her ages aequinox , yet her beauty appeared but a very little declining . in her youthful dayes she was the wonder of her sex , and was so generally talkt of among beauty-hunters , that our tavern was never empty , and happy was he that could procure the drinking of a glass with her at the bar , but transported , if they could obtain the favour to have her company in a room : which for profit she sometimes permitted , and somthing else which my father wincked at gladly , because he could not find the like expedient to enrich himself . she was comely , tall , and of a beautious blushing brown ; her hair proper to her complexion , neatly put into curls and folds by nature : her face was made up of excellent parts ; as a quick eye and full ; her circled brows graceful and big ; her nose not over roman , with a full mouth ; the largeness of the lips commendable because plump and red ; her dimpled chin ( which nature had drawn , with a wanton touch of her pensil ) did singularly set out her looks most comely . her neck was round , rising full and fat : her bodie well fed , not fat ; an italian don's delight . when any gentlemen came in , methinks i now see how she leared out of her inticing italianated eyes , able to confound a saint . in short , her hair was enough to enchant you into those mazes , but that her looks were so neer which hooked yours into her eye-balls , full , black and rowling ; and when she had you , she held you there . neither was she a niggard of those gifts were so liberally bestowed on her , but communicated a taste thereof to divers for as she was naturally prone to whorishness , so she gave her inclinations the reins , and at last became so impudent , that she did frequently that in our sights , which though we understood not being too young , yet forceably drew a blush into our tender cheeks . being in her prime , she gave her self so much libertie , that she was a shame to her sex ; there was not any vice that was attended either by pleasure or profit , but she would be sharer therein , and now being gulled with shadows and impostures , she drew up the portcullis of her heart , and laid the gates thereof wide open to her own ruine . who would imagine , that a pleasing countenance could harbour villany , or that a smile could set upon the face of mischeif . but herein she shewed her self a curtezan of the right stamp , that for her own advantage can entertain mans appetite with wanton dalliance , but will never make assurance of setled love . when men think themselves most interessed in her , than was it frequently that they were farthest from her . i am somewhat the longer in my mothers character , that i might the fuller demonstrate what was the original that i so exactly coppied in the actions of my own life . did parents consider how prevalent their wicked examples are with their issue , they would be less curious to cleanse their houses of dirt and dúst against the comming of their friends , and more careful not to see them hung with vices in the presence of their children . you see i know the difference between good and evil , because i talk so well though i act so ill . but to proceed ; how is it possible the daughter should be chaste , that can reckon up the adulteries of her mother , though she be nere so well in breath without a dozen stops or intermissions at the least ? such as are conscious to these faults in others , cannot but be capable of them in themselves the hearing of them told , begets a willingness to try them : the seeing of them done , a wilfulness to do them . she presumed i belive upon our indiscretions as children perswading her self we had not wit enough to discern it . but alas ? she erred in her cyphers , and was much mistaken in her accounts : for we coming to years , did not stick to do that in her sight which she before would not forbear in ours . and with what face could she rereprove us . the crooked wretch must not upbraid the lame , nor must the moor the tawny indian blame . her house did daily swarm with such as pretended more then common kindness to me . several my parents approved of as wealthy , and propounded them to me whom i only disliked for want of comeliness . one i confess i could have fancied highly for his wit , had not his formation , been so extravagant and preposterous . o the innumerable quantity of poetick brats which pallas like sprang out of his head , and so pestred my chamber that i could hardly sleep for the trampling of their feet : some whereof appear'd so fair unto me from a father so foul , that i have carried them in my bosome to converse with them among the solitary shades . i protest civility could scarce keep me from laughing outright every time i saw him , his whole composure appear'd to me so ridiculous . for first his head seem'd to sink down into his breast , his eyes staring affrighted at the danger , whilst his mouth continually gaped , as if it intended to cry out for help : his back and breast bunched out as if a wallet stuffed at both ends had hung over his shoulder behind and before . though extravagant enough , you could not say he showed much waste . had you seen him on a rainy day , by the length of his leggs ( yet of dwarfish stature ) you would have thought him mounted on stilts , and wading through the dirt with a boy at his back . now let me skip over his person , and only tell you how i served him , and then i have done with him . that day i saw him not , i had his representation sent me , which was good diversion , but his presence was insufferable : to the intent therefore that i might be rid of him i sent him these lines , sir , you are the son of esop , for i find legitimation by your shape and mind ; deformed ye are alike thence t is thought fit , that such defects should be supplyed by wit. your aspects monstrous foul , yet don't complain , your issues fair the product of your brain : but stay , i must recal my self , for know my praises are like to your self , too low : troth when i veiw you well my fancy must imagine you much like a capon trust . or like sir hudibras , nick-named all-feather , or like one tyed both neck and heels together : nor do not think pygmean sir that i , will fall in love with meer deformity ; then court some succubus , a fiend will be a fitter match : so think no more on me . these lines so nettled him , that having belcht out some execrations against me and our sex , i never hard more of him . to be short there was none could get any interest in me , but our head-drawer , a neat flaxen-hair'd dapper fellow ; so passionately we loved one the other , that we could not forbear holding some private correspondence at nights . my father at length suspecting us turned away his man , whose absence i could not brook , and therefore resolved to follow after , which i did , taking with me what ready money my father had in his custody ; and finding out my dear comerade , this was the resullt of our consultation , that i should cloath my self like a man , and so travel together . it will be too tedious to relate how and whither we went ; but let it suffice to tell you , that after we had ran through france and italy , and wearied our selves in foreign parts , we concluded to return for england . we landed at dover having made an end of our voyage and money together , saving so much as would purchase horse and armes , for padding was the way we agreed on to recruit our decayed stock . many were the robberies we committed , taking such a course that the devil could hardly detect us : for sometimes when we had robbed , and fearing least we should be taken by the hue and cry , it was but turning my horse loose , and then would i put on womans apparel ( which i always carried in my portmantle in such expeditions ) and getting up behind my dear friend , i past unexspected as his wife ; this stratagem frequently proved a safeguard to us both by this means we several times robbed houses under the pretence of my friends taking lodgings for himself and wise ; to tell you in what manner and how often we played our pranks under a double disguise , would take up more time then is convenient . wherefore i shall now wind up my story : my comerade in an unhappy enterprize received a shot in his shoulder , which proved mortal , for not long after he died . being then destitute of my dear companion , i had several thoughts of returning home , but that i liked my trade so well , i could not be induced to leave it . however i went to my fathers house frequently with roaring blades , but new me not though sometimes they would stare upon me , as if their eyes would have started out of their heads for joy to see their o'd acquaintance . at last i took a convenient opportunity under the veil of courtship to discover my self to my sister ( nere present ) who understanding my course of life , and knowing well her own constitution , for my sake resolved to hazard all , and run one risgue with me . having instructed her how she should rob her father , as i had done before her , we met at a place appointed , and so took our journey hitherward . now if our conversation may be any wayes pleasing , and our service advantagious , we are both your devoted servants : she uttered these words with such a grace , that i could not forbear imbracing her . after we had plighted faiths , and mutually carressed each other , we betook our selves to rest , which you may imagine was little enough . chap. xxxvi . how he with his new female padding comrade contrived notable subtil and safe ways to rob together , with a rela●…ion of some remarkable stories which were thee effects of those consultations . angry i was when i perceived the appearance of day , which i knew would unavoidably rob me of my present delight and pleasure . but it was only my fear of being deprived of so much bliss made me so grossely to mistake ; for i quickly found my happiness inlarged by the approaching light , my sence of seeing being now made copartner with that of feeling . love had now his eyes restored him who before only groped for the naked truth in the dark . now did we begin afresh to renew our late sweet nocturnal pastime , and could our bodies have any wayes answered our boundless desires , our bed would have been the sole concern we should have minded , till that time which must put a period to this transitory life . but to avoid the censure of sluggishness , we all resolved to rise and unanimously strive and contend who should make the best proof the greatest ingenuity in contriving what may give the largest satistaction both to mind and body . as a praeludium to our intended purpose and a restorative to our decayed strengths ; we first resolved upon buttered sack , with other things of like comforting natures : and now finding our selves by this first essay so much beyond expectation revived and fitted for mirth and pleasure , we straight gave order for a dinner to be speedily prepared , whose composition should be of the choicest viands . and that the time might not seem tedious in the interim , it was put to the vote what pastime we should make choice of for divertisement . some were for bodily exercise , but i was clearly against that , having so lately tired my self with it : besides my lameness , which was occasioned by the shot i received in my legg from my valient and rencountress . it was at length agreed on by all that we should entertain our selves with musick and discourse . a match said the eldest sister ) and to the intent you may see my freedom and forwardness to propogate your proposition , i shall give my assistance first to heighten your spirits by vocal and instrumental musick : having thus broken the ice , i question not but you will prove ready followers , and swim with me in the same streams of delight . whereupon she took up a lute , and having praised that instrument above all other for its sweet ravishing harmony , i will now try ( said she ) how my voice will agree with it , and thus sang : what need we to care , w ' have enough and to spare , what we gain we will drink out and spend on 't ; but when all is gone we will get more anon , then make it all fly , there 's an end ou 't . we will rob , we will steal , for our own common weal. let the miser be damn'd with his treasure ; our designs we will shape for the juice of the grape , thus spin out our lives in our pleasure , we think it more fit to live by our wit , and hazard our lives on adventure , we are sons of the blade never bred to a trade , vve scorned to be bound by indeuture . not for flattery , but due merit we could give her no iess then applause : which though that word may favour of somthing of a complement , yet i will assure you there was no such thing past between us ; we knew how to improve our time to a far greater advantage , leaving such empty vain expressions to such , who have little else to do then to play with a ladies fan , or to consume their times in combing their perriwigs , not only in the streets and play houses , but even ( irreverently ) in the holy places of divine worship . the pertinency of this song . to the practice of our lives , did as much please us all , as the sweet harmony of that voice did ravish our deli●…hted ears . and least our satisfaction should any wayes cool or abate , more musical fewel was laid on , to warm our benumbed spirits , if any such unlikely thing should happen . whereupon her sister ( not making use of any instrument to assist her voice , being sensible it was good and natural ) frankly , and with a becoming freedom , sang to this purpose , 't is liberty which we adore , it is our wealth and only store , having her we all are free , who so merry then as we : 't is she that makes us now to sing , and only she can pleasure bring . chorus . since we then such freedome have wee ' purchase pleasure , or a grave ; 't is better so then live a slave . as i am free , so will be still , for no man shall abridg my will : i 'le pass my life in choicest pleasure , on various objects spend my treasure : that woman sure no joy can find who to one man is only joyned . chorus , since we then such freedom have , wee 'l purchase pleasure or a grave : 't is better so then live a slave . what pleasure is in full cramed baggs , no more ●…hen is in beggars rags , unless made use of , what is cash ? a fine new nothing , glittering trash : being well employed , it is a thing which doth delight and honour bring , chorus since we then such freedom have wee 'l purchase money , or a grave : 't is better so then live a slave . about to have proceeded in this manner round , we were interrupted by dinner coming up , which came as seasonable as our stomacks could require . waving all ceremonies , we instantly fell to it without the tediousness of long winded graces ; neither were we long at it , our hands and appetites being alike nimble and quick to give the body its required satisfaction . after dinner we had various discourses about the vanity and imbecility of the female sex : winding up our argument , one said , she would not be a meer woman for the whole universe , and wondered that man , so noble and rational a soul should so unman himself in his voluntary inslaving himself to a womans will : i wonder how they dare boast of conquests , when they must acknowledg they are daily overcome by a weak and feeble creature , woman a thing which for want of heat sunk into that sex , with such like prattle we entertained our selves for an hour or two ; and now it was put to the vote what course we should steer , and what design we should next put in execution . diffirent were our opinions for a while , but at last we concluded unanimously about the evening to set out and rob joyntly : the manner which we laid down was thus ; the youngest sister should ride behind the eldest sister on a pillion in her own proper apparel and my virago behind me in the like female garb ; & this we judged to be the safest project we could propound ; for who could be so senseless to imagine us robbers , riding in that manner double horsed , and attended with the greatest symptomes of innocency . hereupon we presently fell to work , that is to say , endeavoured to get such necessaries as were most convenient for our enterprise , as pillions , safeguards and short swords for my females : pocket-pistols they had already , having gotten what womans attire we wanted , and all things ready , we mounted with boots , which we dirted on purpose , to the intent those which saw us might not suspect but that we had rid many miles that day . it was about six of the clock in the evening when we did set forth ; we had not rid above two hours but there overtook us four horsemen , and demanded whither we were travelling ? i answered them to such a place . now did our two subtil queans which rid behind us play their parts to the life , pretending a great fear of being robbed , and carried their business so crastily , that they gave the gentlemen to understand their pretended fear and jealousie : and the better to cloak our design , pray thee my dear ( said i ) in a voice not over-loud , but just so that they might hear me , do not be afraid , i am confident they are no other then what they appear , that is , honest civil persons . hereupon , one of the gentlemen over-hearing , rode up close to me and comforted my supposed wife behind , protesting they were no such persons as she imagined ; that they were gentlemen of good estates all , and so far they were from offending any , that they would with the hazard of their lives defend the injured on the road : we seemed hereat to be much satisfied , returning them many thanks , and desiring their comya●…y , which they kindly granted , saying , come follow , wee'llead the way gently on , and stand between you and danger . i was glad to hear them say they wou'd ride before , for now i judged our business to be facile and easily done . i now whispered behind me , telling her as soon as ever she saw me give a blow , she should immediately leap off the horse , and make use of what weapons she had : her sister had the like instructions given her . my brother , as i called him , riding up close with me ; received directions from me , that when we came to the bottom of the hill , he should at the same time with me directly discharge his truncheon on the head of his foregoer withall the force he could sum up together . when they least suspected us in the rear , we executed what we designed with such exact time , and so successfully , that a devided minute did not difference their fall our women were as swift as lightning upon them , depriving them of all the advantages of rising , whilest we set spurs to our horses , ond overtook the other two afore , who insensible of what was done , were strangly surprized and amazed , to see our swords and pistols ready to dispatch our hellish commands . fear on a suddain had so chained up their tongues , as that they could not utter a word , till we forced them to it by threatning their unavoidable deaths if they did not instantly deliver . being willing to ransome their lives by their moneys , gave us what they had , as not to stand in composition with a matter of eternal concern . having reaped our desires , we dismounted them , and cutting their girts and bridles , we took their peices with the saddles , and threw them into an obscure place . the horses were whipt over into a field . our prisoners we led into a little wood , where we bound them , as the rest of our gang did , who were more expeditious then we in their works . having finisht our business to our hearts content and security , we mounted , and so rid back again to our old quarters . our landlord wondered at our speedy dispatch , but had like to have exspired for joy when he saw our booty was so considerable ; for you are to understand he had a quarter share with us . here did we carouse and feast for a long time , not so much as thinking on any prize : and the truth on 't is , my leg grew so bad by my shot , that i could not ride but in great pain . wherefore i resolved to lie still till its cure should be effected by my loving & skilful landlady . my wound being healed i resolved to follow old custom rob alone , not so much that my profit would be greater , but i began to be tyred with my three former dainties ; nay more , they were so insatiate in those pleasures they injoyed , that my strength could not cope with such excesses . wherefore pretending business of privacy a little way off , i gave them the slip , knowing how difficult it would be to part from them knowingly . chap. xxxvii . being now upon the pad alone , ●…e baits at an inn , with which he was acquainted , and there by the hostler is informed of a booty which he pursued , but was soundly barged for his pains , losing both his horse , and what small matter he had left . very loath i was to part with these amazons , notwithstanding i saw there was an unavoidable & absolute necessity for it . for no man could ever better be pleased with society , then i was in theirs , enjoying such persons whose courage and fidelity might vie with the most approved male friend , and reaping at the same time the choycest favours venus can confer on her cheifest favourites . one remarkable passage concerning this female robber , i had like to have forgot ; which was this ; she would frequently pad or rob on foot in womans apparrel , but so disguised , that she could not easily be known : getting a cushion , or some such thing , ( by putting it under her cloaths to make her seem big with child ) she would usually walk abroad , it may be three or four miles at length , near some beaten road thus had she the benefit of viewing all rid by . if she saw any single person by whose equipage she might imagine him to have his pockets well furnished , before he came near her , she used to feign her self both exceeding sick and weary , groaning in a most pitiful manner . what mans heart could be so obdurate as to pass her by neglected . and without taking any notice of her ? who would not proffer a big bellied woman ( tired and indisposed ) the courtesie of riding behind him for a little way to refresh her ? as she told me , she met with very few that did not take her up behind them seeing her in that deplorable condition . having rid a pretty way , seeing the coast clear , and coming to a convenient place for to execute her design , she would pretend the gentlemans hat that rid before her offended her eyes ; most in point of civility would put it off , though they immediately put it on again : then would she with a cord with a nooze , which she had ready for the purpose , clap it over his head , and so whipping off the horse pull the man after her ; oftentimes half strangling him , serving him as the mn●…es do the bassas with their black box and silk string therein , when they are designed for death by the grand seniors appointment & command . taking the advantage of their being half suffocated , she could easily first bind their leggs making them so secure that they were so far from resisting , that they were totally at her devotion . but to return where i left off : before i took my leave of her , perceiving the temper of this brave noble spirit , and that it was poetically inclined out of my true resentment of her due merit , i gave her these lines , which she thankfully received , though modestly denied to concern her in the least . stand back ye muses , mars , come guide my pen , to rank this female heroe 'mongst thy men. so , so , 't is well . now let us to the matter , 't is such a subject that i cannot flatter . the pantalooners strut , and muffetoons ; taking great pains for to appear buffoons . they do seem men , and like ●…m wear their swords : but dare not draw ; such may be kill'd with words : these love a lady , and affect perfumes : who lighter are , ( then what they wear ) their plumes . thou scornst such shadows , or chimaera's , which are good for nothing , but a womans itch . thou lov'st that man alone , that dares in spight of fate , scorn death himself in fight . thy actions speak thee man , who dares deny it ? believe this truth , or if you dare , then try it ; 't will be a favour to her , for they 'l find , that never man injoy'd so brave a mind . bidding this my minerve and her associates adieu , i rid on in the next road , without meeting any i thought requisite to fasten on . at length i came to an ●…nn , where i was very well acquai●…ted , and intended there to have refresht my self ; but the hostler prevented it , not suffering me to alight , telling me hastily , that there was a gentleman not an hour since bai●…d there , who had in his portmantue a considerable purchase ; that he was a poor spirited follow , whom he knew , and that he ever had an absolute antipathy to a naked sword , and that he was gone such a road , &c. i stay'd not so long as to drink , but with al possible expedition made after him ; ascending a small hill , i discovered him , who rid an ordinary pace , wherefore i slacked mine to cool my horse ; however i soon overtook him , and rode by him , not without viewing him well ; riding down the hill i did alight , purposely that he might overtake me , which he did ; being past i mounted , and at the very bottom i bid him stand and deliver instantly , or he was a dead man. sis , sis , sir , ( said he lisping very much ) i-i-i-i am going home . i bid him not make these proposed delays , left he smarted , and therefore wisht him to dispatch and give me his money , for i was informed ( i told him ) that he had a sum behind him . t-t-t-'tis true ( he reply'd ) b-b-but it is my fathers m-m-money . hang your father and his stuttering coxcomb too , ( said i ) i must have what you have . w-wh-why then you shall , ( said he ) and with that drew out a pocket-pistol and fired it at me ; which made my horse start , and very much surprizing me , expecting not the least resistance from such a seemingly ignorant and cowardly fellow ; by that means he had time and liberty to draw his sword ( which was almost as broad as a chopping-knife ) and came upon me so furiously , that i am sure i had not time to defend my self : he so laid about him , that i soon lay at his mercy . i was forced to beg very hard for my life , which i obtained with very much ado : then he fell to my pockets , not leaving any suspected place for money unsearcht : by which i guest him to have belonged to our profession , and was not mistaken , as you shall understand by and by . he went to my horse , and viewing him , he seemed to like him very well . wherefore coming to me ( for he had cut me off my horse ) ha-ha-hark you ( said he ) you are but a raw thief , a me-me-meer child , & it is but fit that you should be sent to a ma-ma-master to be ta-ta-taught knowledge , and be whipt for your foo-foo-lishness . you said you must have my fa-fa-fathers money , but i tell you i must have your hau-hau-horse , and so farewell . he was so kind as to leave me his , which was a pitiful jade , however necessity compelled me to mount him , and anger spurr'd me on to be revenged of the hostler , but i better considered with my self , that probably that horse was known there , and so i should be detected ; wherefore i rid a contrary way , and took up my lodging in a place i never had been in before . as soon as i alighted , abundance of people flockt about me , seeing me all bloody , to know the cause thereof . whereupon i related in a very doleful manner how this sad accident befel me . that travelling to such a place with about pieces of gold , i was set upon by five or six lusty rogues , who rob'd me , and because i made what resistance i could , to save what i had , it being my whole estate , they had thus barbarously mangled me , hacking and hewing me till i grew weary , and at last with much difficulty escapt with my life . there was a general sorrow for me , pitying me so much that the inhabitants strove one with another , who should shew me most kindness . a chyrurgeon was presently sent for , who ( as he was a barber too ) barbarian like , drest my wounds ; some were employed in procuring me cordials , and getting me things necessary ; others were sent out to make inquisition after the thieves . this gentleman that serv'd me this trick , was ( as i understood afterwards ) an high-way-man himself , who being well born and bred , but his father being either at that time unable or unwilling to supply him with what moneys his lavish expences required ; nature having bestowed on him a stout resolute heart , and strength answering his courage , betook himself to the pad . in which profession he behaved himself so gallantly , that he was styled the father or governor of his tribe . but his attempts prov'd not always successful , so that there was hardly a county in england , wherein he had not been in prison ; being frequently arraigned for his life , but having eminent and potent friends , he still came off ; this did his father and kindred so frequent , that they grew weary , and he narrowly escaping with his life one time , and finding that his kindred matter'd not much if he were hanged , he submitted himself to his father , making a solemn protestation that he would never follow the like courses again : whereupon his father setled an annual estate upon him , on which he now liveth very orderly . thus much briefly of my overcomer . i had not laid above a night in this place for the cure of my wounds , before i was question'd about my horse by some persons that knew him well , and taken on suspition for murdering the gentleman the right owner ; which seem'd more then probable by various circumstances . first , this gentleman was not to be found , which well might be his late success , having conveyed him on the wings of speed to an obscure place , there to revel and congratulate his good fortune by the speedy spending his late purchase . next , my many and dangerous wounds sufficiently declared the great hazard of the two combatants lives : but that which chiefly committed me , was the gentlemans horse , which i like an impudent insipid coxcomb must ride on , which reason must needs say was the ready way to ride post to the gallows . notwithstanding the miserable condition of my carbonadoed body , i was inclosed between a pair of walls , and had undoubtedly been hang'd for being robb'd , had not the gentleman appear'd again amongst his friends ; then did my accusers slip their necks out of the collar , and none prosecuting me , i was discharged . staying a little while in the town for refreshment , an old acquaintance there found me out , of whom i cannot but give you a character , since the passages of his life hath been so remarkable and notorious , and from the short relation of which i question not but the reader will reap much benefit and satisfaction . for indeed examples have so great an influence and power upon the actions of mans life , as that we find men are more wrought upon by president then precept . to this intent preceding generations have made it their grand care and labour , not only to communicate to their posterity the lives of good & honest men , that thereby man might fall in love with the smooth and beautiful face of vertue , but have also taken the same pains to recount the actions of criminal and wicked persons , that by the dreadful aspects of vioe , they may be deter'd from imbracing her . chap. xxxviii . he bere reneweth his acquaintance with a cunning fellow , that formerly studyed the law , and since made it his sole business to practise the abuse thereof . about four days after i was discharged , there came into the same inn where i lay a gentleman , who hearing some of the house discoursing of the robbery that was lately committed , he desired to be particularly informed , which they did , adding that the rob'd gentleman lay wounded in the house ; he inquired of them my name , which they told him , as i had told them , having a name for every month in the year . very desirous he was , if it might be no disturbance to me , to give me a visit , unto which i condescended , a servant to that intent desiring to know my pleasure . assoon as he entred the room , i verily thought i knew him , though i could not for the present call to mind where i had seen him . i was so muffled about the chops , that it was impossible for him to have any knowledge of me . he sat down by me , & askt me various questions , to which i gave him convenient satisfaction . at last i recalled my memory , and askt him if his name was not so — he answered me affirmatively . dear friend ( said i ) i am glad to see you : come , be not amazed ; my right name is so — with that he embraced me , and was overjoyed that he so casually found me out . laying aside all formal niceties , i unbosomed my self to him , not mincing the truth in the least ; for we know our selves birds of a feather , rogues together . he condol'd my wounded condition , and comforted me , by telling me that he would not leave me till i was well , and that he would procure me such a plaister for the wounds i had received , that should prove very effectual . he stayed with me above a fortnight , enjoying what pleasures the country was capable to afford us . being by our selves ( for so we designed the major part of every day ; ) we discoursed interchangeably of nothing but our adventures , &c. how we might lay new plots for our advantage : i gave him the epitome of what i had done , since i left him , who took more pleasure in the relation of my rogueries , then the quaker did in courting the mare near rochester . but when he began to relate his villanies , i was struck dumb with admiration ; and what cannot a man do if indued with the strength of his natural parts , sharpness of wit , quickness of apprehension , depth and solidness of judgement , with a tenacious memory ? now because he ever had a smooth and insinuating tongue , with the command thereof , i shall give him leave to tell his own tale . chap. xxxix . the life of a law-abusing cheat. dear friend , for what am i beholding , it is to nature alone ; for as i am ashamed of my birth , so i cannot condemn my father for not bestowing education on me , since his condition was so low , yet his spirit so high , that he would not beg himself though ready to starve , however would permit me , which was the sole support of his and my life . i was ten years old before i could meet with any preferment : one day fortune favouring , she offer'd to my view a commodity , which with confidence and dexterity i might carry off undiscovered . my hands presently successfully effected what my mind suggested ; it was but of small value , the utmost i could get for it was a link , with which that night i more then trebled what it cost . this course i followed by night , & ran in errands by day , so that i had furnished my self both with cloaths and money . in process of time i was admitted as a servant into a scriveners house ; my master taking a liking to me , put me to a writing-school , where being capacitated for his business , he puts me into the shop , and instructs me in his imployment . i had not been there long before i made my self very eminent , by studying the law , the rudiments whereof i understood so well , as i knew how to ingross an indenture . this made my master esteem of me , and that estimation made me proud ; and being not yet bound his apprentice , i thought i knew betterthings then to be his servant any longer , and so left him . then was i with an attorney a while , afterwards with a counsellor , till thinking i had law enough , i took an house , resolving to see what i could do with it my self . i sollicited several mens businesses , giving a general content , insomuch that my credit and reputation increased daily . now did i marry for wealth , having not the least affection ; for her face lookt much like a gammon of bacon with the skin off . sometimes i liv'd with her , too long for any delight i took in her ; and being resolv'd to be ●…id of her , this stratagem i used . i shewed her more kindness then formerly , pretending i would do nothing but what i would consult with her about ; which so wrought upon her love , that she would have been content to have sacrificed her soul for my interest ; and made her withal so opinionative , that she judged every silly and unsavory expression she utter'd was no less then an oracle . having brought my business thus far to perfection , i came home one evening very melancholy : very inquisitive she was to know the cause . my dear , ( said i ) i will not conceal any thing from thee ; such a gentleman hath injur'd me , and i cannot rest till i be reveng'd . thou knowest my nature , if wrong'd i am implacable , it is a fault i cannot help . come , come , said my wife , let us go to bed , and there we will consult . being there she ask●… me how we should bring our revenge about ? i seemed to study a while , — i have it now ( said i ) thou art wi h childe ; he is one tender of his reputation ; tax him for being the father of it , and that will do the work to my , full content : very loth she was , because of the talk of the people ; but i satisfied this poor silly harmless soul , by telling her that as long as i knew her chaste , it was no matter what others said of her : whereupon she condescended , and had the person before a justice , where she swore positively that she was got with childe by that gentleman . i presently took advantage of her confession , turned her off , leaving them both to the disposal of the spiritual court. this was my first prank . one of my clients another time , having bought a good handsome tenement , had so much confidence as to put me in possession ; my client having purchased an estate in the country , was forced to be there to look after the management of his rural affairs , for some certain time : i took this opportunity to forge a lease to my self , at an easie rent , from him that constituted me his trustee . i soon found a chapman for it , and sold this lease , receiving a good round fine , which had been a penny-worth indeed , had the title been good ; unto this man i delivered possession , who dwelt in it till the return of the right owner , who coming to his said house , wonder'd to finde every thing so contrary to his expectation , & demanding of the tenant by what power he inhabited in that dwelling , the poor man shewed him his forged lease , declaring that he had paid his fine to such a man , nominating me , who at that time was not to be found . the landlord could do no less then eject him his house , but finding him so grosly abused , required nothing for the time he was in it , but left him to the law to require satisfaction of me . the abused being very much troubled he should be thus deceived , made so strickt inquiry after me , and so unwearied in his search , that at last he found me out , who said , nothing should serve his turn , but he would for this cheat have the rigor of the law executed upon me ; knowing of what a dangerous consequence it was , i got my adversary arrested in an action of a thousand pounds , who wanting bayl was committed to newgate , where grief released me by his death from ensuing prejudice . i afterwards forged a deed of sale of an house hard by the former , which would have made more for my advantage , had not this man discovered my design , which made me the more inveterate against him and his . for this was always my temper , though nothing could provoke me to express my anger in company ( as having a perfect command over my passions in that nature ) yet if any durst prosecute his own or friends right in opposition to me , i seldom left him , till i had either absolutely undone him , or so impoverisht him , that he should be in no condition to hurt me or help himself , making him at last confess that he had been better to have sat down with his first loss . and this i effected the easier , having a conscience that serupled nothing , & instruments that would swear any thing . these contrivances of mine made me generally reputed a subtil and knowing man , which brought me in multiplicity of business , with considerable in-comes . neither did i alone sollicite for such as were concern'd in the law , but i had my concernment with lifters , who did put so great a confidence in me , that what they got was left solely to my disposal , either by sale or pawn , for which i had my brokage , and something else beside . now was i grown so famous ( my garb adding much to my fame , which was very splendid ) that if any intricate controversie , reference , or law-suit arose among my neighbours , they knew no person fitter to make their appeal to then my self for arbitration . if any again wanted either mony , goods , nay a cooler of concupiscence , i was adjudged the best procurer . by these means i tumbled in money ; and to let the world know it , i wore a several suit every day , having besides habits suitable to any design . now did those that knew me not , even adore me ; those that were acquainted with me , out of fear were forced to show me more then ordinary respects . i confess had i now walkt in a medium , this had been the time ( as they say there is a time allotted to every man ) to have made my self for ever . but knaverie was so implanted in my nature ; that i could not forbear cheating the dearest friend i had , if he intrusted me , circumvent every man that had more honesty then my self ; and though i was sure to damn soul and body , yet i must attempt the destruction of my adversary ; and to speak the truth , i did not stick to betray my friend , if any advantage would accrue to me thereby . for one trick i serv'd an ancient widow , i now and then find some internal gripings , i cannot tell whether they proceed from conscience , because i never knew what conscience was ; and this it is . a gentlewoman of my acquaintance , whose sole dependance was upon lodgers , and having taken up a great many goods to a considerable value to furnish her house , befitting the reception of any person of quality , for which she was indebted , and having too often put off her creditor , came to me , desiring the favour of me to procure her fifty pound , telling me , that such a knight , and such a squire would stand bound with her ; that will not do ( said i ) for the gentry have so many tricks to keep citizens out of their money . that they will have better security . perceiving her present necessities were very urgent , i knew i could do any thing with her ; wherefore i perswaded her to confess a judgement : she agreed to it . i told her such a day it should be done , but i would speak with the party first : according to the day prefix●… i came , bringing with me a warrant of attorny , with a friend or two to attest it ; she confided so much in me , as to seal before she receiv'd the moneys . that being done ; now come along with me ( said i ) to such a place , where the mony lyeth ready . as we were going , there was a stop in a lane by carts & coaches , and by the help thereof i dodg'd her , she seeing me no more till it was too late : for i came with an execution a while after , and carried away every pennyworth of goods she had ; yet so civil i was , that i would not let her see it done , knowing it could not but be a great trouble to her , to that intent about half an hour before i sent for her in my name , far enough distant from her own habitation . in this nature with some variations as to the manner , i serv'd several . knowing i had a plentiful invention , which seldom failed me , i scorned to be so idle as to make use of one trick only , to bring about my ends ; & as i had several , i never made use of one trick twice , for fear of being smoakt . i seldom went abroad , but i had some of my complices at my heels , rarely going together , unless necessity required it . i went into a coffee-house one day , and sat me down at a common table , ( as the room is to all comers ) a little after came in one of my imps , and sits himself down too . i had then a very curious ring upon my finger , which a gentleman opposite to me perceiving , pray sir ( said he ) do me the favour as lend me a fight of that ring on your finger ; i presently delivered him ; having viewed it and commended it , my rogue must needs desire a sight of it too from this gentleman , who thinking no harm , gave it into his hands ; after he had lookt on it a while , he fairly march'd off with it : i saw him , but would not in the least take notice thereof , knowing where to find him . the gentleman imagined nothing to the contrary , but that the right owner had received it again . a little while after , i demanded very courteously my ring , excusing his detention thereof upon the account of forgetfulness . the gentleman starting , replied , sir , i thought you had had it long since . i told him i had it not ; and as i delivered it unto him , i should require it from no other person . he pisht at it , and in the conclusion bad me take my course ; and so i did , having first taken witness of the standers by , i sued him , and recovered the value of my ring twice over ; producing two in court that swore point blank , that the one of them sold it me for so much — . one thing i confess i frequently made use of , which was this ; if any person dy'd , and none durst administer , but leave the deceased's goods to the creditors , then would i be sure to make my self a principal creditor by a forged bond , and thereupon sue out letters of administration , and sweeping all away , i wiped the nose of other creditors . chap. xl. what a notable revengeful trick he serv'd the turn-key of ludgate . i went on a time to see a prisoner in ludgate , but thinking to come out again as easily as i went in , i found my self just as the picture i have often seen upon the exchange , wherein is represented a man plunging himself with much ease into the great end of the horn , but with the greatest difficulty can hardly squeeze his head through the other end . hell gates stand ever open to let all souls in , but none are suffer'd to go out . here i waited two hours for the return of the turn key , fretting my self even to death for being detained from my urgent occasions . at length he came : i told him what an injury he did me : instead of excusing himself , he returned me very scurvy language , which provoked my passion so much , that though i said little , yet my invention was presently at work to be reveng'd . not long after i got a poor fellow to be arrested for an inconsiderable debt , advising him to turn himself instantly over to ludgate . in a short time the poorness of this mans condition was generally known , and he himself pretending he was almost starved , got liberty to put in what slender security he could procure for his true imprisonment , and so had leave to go abroad in the mean time i had got a bond of the prisoner of fourscore pound for the payment of forty , and so went privately and enter'd an action of debt . i told the prisoner the next time he went out he should run away , which he did , neither was there any security to be found ; then did i bring my action against the keeper , with my knights of the post , and so recovered the money . chap. xli . what a freak he play'd upon a jeweller . i was intimately acquainted with a jeweller in foster-lane , whom i often helped to the sale of rings and jewels , so that my credit was very good with him . being one time above in his work-room , i chanced to spy a very rich jewel , whereupon i told him i could help him to the sale thereof ; my lady such a one having lately spoke to me about such a thing . he glady delivered it to me at such a price to shew it her . but i only carried it to another to have one exactly made like it with counterfeit stones . before i went , i askt him if the lady dislikt it , whether i might leave it with his wife or servant ? i , i , ( said he ) to either will be sufficient . i was forced to watch one whole day to see when he went out ; and being gone , presently went to the shop , and enquired of his wife for her husband ; she answered me , he was but just gone . well , madam ( said i ) you can do my business as well as he , 't is onely to deliver these stones into your custody ; and so went off undiscovered . not long after i met him in the street , carrying displeasure in his looks ; sir ( said he ) i thought a friend would not have serv'd me so ; but i deny'd it stifly . whereupon he was very angry , and told me he would sue me , i valu'd not his threats , and so left him ; i had not gone many paces , before i met with a friend , that complain'd to me he had lost a very valuable locket of his wives , it being stollen from her . glad i was that this should fall out so pat to my purpose ; i askt him to give me a description of it , which he did punctually . now , said i , what will you give me , if i tell you where it is ? any thing in reason . then go to such a shop in foster-lane ( the same shop where i cheated the man of his ring ) and there ask peremptorily for it ; i was there at such a time and saw it ; and he would have had me help him to a customer for it ; i' ll stay at the star-tavern for you . away he went and demanded his locket : the jeweller deny'd he had any such thing , ( as well he might . ) upon this he returned to me , and ( by this i had another with me ) and told me what he said . whereupon i advised him to have a warrant for him to fetch him before a justice of peace , and that i and my friend ( which saw as much as i ) would swear it . the goldsmith was instantly sei●…'d on by a constable , and assoon as he saw who they were that would swear against him , desired the gentleman to drink a gl●… of wine , and then tender'd him satisfaction : but i had order'd the business that it would not be taken unless he would give us all three general releases . he knowing the danger that might ensue to life and estate if we persisted , consented to the proposal . chap. xlii . he puts a notable cheat upon a gentleman concerning his house . walking one time in the fields with an attendant or two , who would be constantly bare before me , if in company with any persons of quality , but otherwise , bail fellow well met ; i was got as far as hackney , ere i thought where i was ; for my thoughts were busied about designs , and my wit was shaping them into a form ; casting my eye on the one side of me , i saw the prettiest built and well scituated house that ever my eyes beheld . i presently had a covetous desire to be master thereof : i was then , as fortune would have it , in a very gentile garb ; i walkt but a little way further , and i soon found out a plot to accomplish my desires . and thus it was : i returned and knockt at the gate , and demanded of the servant whether his master was within ? i understood he was , and thereupon desired to speak with him . the gentleman came out to me himself , desiring me to walk in . after i had made a general apology , i told him my business , which was only to request the favour of him , that i might have the priviledge to bring a workman to supervise his house , and to take the dimensions thereof , because i was so well pleased with the building , that i egerly desired to have another built exactly after that pattern . the gentleman could do no less then to grant me so small a civility . coming home , i went to a carpenter , telling him i was about buying an house in hackney , and that i would have him accompany me to give me ( in private ) the estimate . accordingly we went , and found the gentleman at home , who entertained me kindly as a stranger . in the mean time the carpenter took an exact account of the butts and bounds of the house on paper ; which was as much as i desired for that time . paying the carpenter well , i dismist him , and by that paper had a lease drawn with a very great fine ( mentioned to have been paid ) at a small rent ; witnesses thereunto i could not want . shortly after i demanded possession . the gentleman thinking me out of my wits , only laught at me : i commenced my suit against him , and brought my own creatures to swear the sealing and delivering of the lease , the carpenters evidence , with many other probable circumstances to strengthen my cause ; whereupon i had a verdict : the gentleman understanding what i was , thought it safer to compound with me , and loose something , rather then loose all . chap. xliii how he cheated a scrivener under the pretence of bringing him good security for an hundred pound which he would borrow . attiring my self in one of the richest garbs i had , i went to a scrivener in bow-lane , and acquainted him i had an occasion for an hundred pound . he demanded the names of my security . i told him where they lived , two persons of eminent worth ( whom i knew were gone into the country ) and desired him to make enquiry , but in it to be private and modest . the scrivener according to my desires went and found them by report to be what they were , real , able , and sufficient men : two or three days after i called upon him to know whether i might have the money upon the security propounded . he told me i might , bringing the persons ; and appointed me a day . according to the time i came with two of my compliees attired like wealthy grave citizens , who personated such persons so to the life , that the scrivener could not entertain the least suspicion . the money being ready , i told it over , and putting it up in a bag , i and my insignificant bondsmen sealed , leaving the scrivener to another enquiry after us , whom , if he did not meet , i was confident he could never find out by reason of our feigned names . it chanced that my forged and fictitious name shook hands with that of a gentleman in surry , who was a great purchaser , which i came to know by being accidentally in his company the next night after i had cheated this credulous scribe , understanding likewise from him the exact place of his abode ; and , as the devil would have it , his christian name was the same , as well as his sirname , with that of mine i had borrowed . whereupon i went to the scrivener again , and told him that now i had a fair opportunity to benefit my self very much by a purchase , provided he would assist me with pound more . but sir , said i , take notice ( in a careless and generous frankness ) that it is out of a particular respect to you , that you might profit by me that i come , again , neither will i now give you any other security then my own bond , though i did otherwise before . but if you will desire to be satisfied as to my estate , pray let your servant go to such a place in surry , there is a piece of gold to bear his charges , and i will satisfie you farther for the loss of your servants time . he being greedy of gain , very officiously promised me to do what i required , and would speedily give me an answer . imagining what time his servant would return , i repaired to him again , and understood from him by the sequel that he received as much satisfaction as in reason any man could require . hereupon i had on my own bond the money paid me . i cannot but laugh to think how strangely the surry gentleman was surprized when the money becoming due was demanded of him , and how like the figure of man in hangings the scrivener lookt when he found himself cheated . chap. xliv . how he was revenged on a broker for arresting him for some goods he had past his word for upon his friends accompt . notwithstanding i daily thus almost cheated one or other , procuring thereby considerable sums of money , yet , by my drinking , whoreing , and defending my self from such as i had wronged , i seldom kept any money by me . one day as i walk'd the streets securely , as i thought , a fellow fastned his flesh-hooks on my shoulder . looking about to see what this sudden clap meant , i saw a fellow behind me , whose face lookt ten times worse then those philistines that are pictured on chimny-pieces , seizing upon samson ; his mouth was as largely vaulted as that within aldersgate ; his visage was almost eaten through with pock-holes , every hole so big , that they would have served for children to play at cherry-pit . his nose resembled an hand-saw ; take both head and face together , and it appeared like the saracens on snow-hill ; questionless some in●…ubus begot him on a witch . having a little recovered my self from my amazement , i askt him what his business was with me ? he spake but little , ●…eaving his errand to his mace ( which he shew'd me ) to relate . away they carried me to woodstreet at the kings-head , from whence i sent for bail , which speedily came to me : having put in bail to one action , i found another enter'd : having done the like to that i found another , half a dozen more bearing it company ; wherefore thanking my friends for the trouble i had put them to , i desired them to leave me , resolving to go to ludgate . the two serjeants that arrested me conducted me thither , having my name enter'd in the paper-house , as horses in smithfield are in the tole-booth : cerberus turned the key , and set the door as wide open as westminster-hall gate in the term-time to country clients , to receive me from my hell-guides , which puts me in mind of that old verse , noctes atque dies patet atri janua ditis . i no sooner was enter'd into this inchanted isle , where some lie wind-bound sometimes seven years together , but a fellow ( whom at first sight i took to be a gardner , because he had a kind of reddish beard , and turn'd up withal ) came to me , & understanding i was a prisoner seem'd mighty courteous , profering me his chamber , for my garnish sake . i accepted his kindness , & went with him to view this cobweb-hung-chamber , for so it proved ; i demanded of him who should be my bedfellow ? that gentleman there sir , said he , that sits by the fire side : i could not forbear smiling , for he was a fat squobby fellow , though his brain seemed to be lean . i believe he was his own barber , and was forc'd to make use of a knife instead of a razor ; for his beard it was cut round like a rubbing-brush . certainly , had all the skin of his body been like that of his face , it would have served excellent well when he was dead to make cloke-bags of . not content with this lodging , i sought out another ; liking it somewhat better then the former , i pitcht on it . assoon as they understood my resolution , they worried me presently like angry mastaffs , barking for their garnish ; i told them they should have it to morrow , at which they grumbled like the greatest strings of a base-viol . before i went to bed i must pay for a pair of sheets , that never came nigh holland by three hundred miles , and out of much civility my bedfellow brought me a candle not so long as his nose to light me to bed. the next morning i made it my business to get out assoon as i could ; some i paid , others i non-suited , and so got clear . being out i resolved not to rest till i had revenged my self on this broker that had thus troubled me . i needed not means , for the devil seldom failed to help my inventions . i pretended to go into the country , and in order to it pack'd up a trunk of what i had most valuable and portable , and getting a porter , sent it to an inn where a norwich-carryer used to lye , but i knew him to be gone the day before . going along with the porter , i enquired for such a carryer , but they told me he was gone , and would not return till the next week . i askt them where i might lay my trunk safe : they shewed me a room ; where bidding the porter sit down , i called for some ale , telling the porter , moreover , that i would have him be a witness of what there was in the trunk , lest i should be dishonestly dealt by ; whereupon i unlockt it , desiring him to take notice , which he did , & to be more sure took an inventory in writing . having paused a little , now i think upon it ( said i ) porter , it will not be so safe to leave this here in a publique house as in a friends , wherefore prethee go buy a cord , and thou shalt carry it elsewhere . whilest he was gone , i took out the chiefest things and put in rubbish , or what i could get , and so lockt it again . the potter returning , we corded the trunk , and carried it to this broker , who took it kindly from me , that i would intrust him after our controversie , and received it . the next week i told him i would call for it , in order to the sending it into the country . the time being come , i took the same porter with me , and demanding the trunk , it was forthwith delivered me . come , porter , said i , you must uncord it again , for i have present use for something therein contain'd ; which being done , i seemingly amaz'd , cry'd out i was rob'd , taxing the broker for so doing , villifying him for his knavery . he protested that he never lookt on it to his knowledge since the receipt thereof . well sir ( said i ) this shall not serve your turn , this honest porter knows how differently it is fraught from what he saw it at first . in a great seeming heat i left him , but before he slept i sent a couple of serjeants to him , who arrested him ; coming to tryal , by the assistance of two ( resolv'd jurors ) and this porter , i overthrew him , and recovered above forty pound , besides cost of suit. chap. xlv . how he coaeened a rich usurer , and a young tradesman . being resolved to go and look out some of my consorts to rejoyce together for my good success in my advantagious revenge , i met with an old comrade that had lately heav'd a booth , anglise broken open a shop , who told me he had a quantity of good comodities , & desired me to put them off for him , knowing that i dealt in brokeage in goods indirectly come by : i promis'd him i would . the next day he delivered what he had into my hands , i instantly carried them to an old usurer that would grasp at any thing , telling him i only desired to mort-gage them for such a time , requesting to lend me fifty pounds thereon . he looking upon them to be thrice the value of that sum , lent me freely the quantity of mony propounded , & in my sight took the goods and laid them in a place next his bed-chamber . the same day i met with this friend , who demanded of me whether i had done his business ? no , not yet ( said i ) it will be to morrow first : however let us drink a glass of wine , which he readily consented to . having drank pretty smartly , he could not contain himself ( so powerful are the operations of wine , as it frequently makes a man divulge that which carrieth in it inevitable ruine ) i say he told me whose shop it was he rob'd , and at what time . i seem'd to take little notice then , though i intended to make good use of it . parting with him , i went streight way to the person rob'd , & told him that accidentally i was inform'd of his late loss , and that my intent of coming was out of a principle of honesty , to assist him in the recovery of what was stollen from him . but before i acquainted him with any thing i required of him a bond of ●… . if i helpt him to his goods ; which he granted me . i advised him to get the lord chief justices warrant , which he did , and taking some friends with him , i directed them where they should go , and in what place they should find them . he would have had me gone with him , but that i excused my self , alledging it would be inconvenient . taking a constable with them , they went & found what they sought for according to my direction , which they seiz'd , leaving the old man to condole his loss , which had been no great matter had not his life lain in his purse . having thus carried on my mischievous contrivances with continued impunity ; the next i fell on was a young merchant , to whom i went gentily habited , with a foot-boy waiting at my heels . i lookt out several commodities , and laid them aside , assuring him that i would e're long lay out a considerable parcel of money with him . we discours'd upon the price , & in the conclusion closed . the next day i appointed the goods to be sent home to my house , and in the interim desired him to go along with me , and accept of what poor accommodation my habitation would afford him , under the pretence of being better acquainted , but my design was to raise in him a good opinion of me , for i had one room ( especially ) very richly hung with costly furniture . my motion was entertained , and away we went , where i treated him nobly ; the next day the commodities were sent in with his servant , who expected his money , but i pretended that my cashier was abroad , and so desired him to call the next morning ; he did , but then i was not to be spoken with . thus he did so often till the young man was weary . at last the master himself came , who met me just as i was going out ; who had not the patience to ask for his money , but presently railed most bitterly , calling me cheat , knave , &c. and that he would not put himself to the trouble of posting me up , but would have a warrant for me instantly . being gone , i was as nimble as himself , having a couple of my emissaries ready for him against his return . it was not long before he came strutting with a constable . perceiving him coming , i sent my two friends out with their warrant , and putting it into the constables hand , charged him in the kings name to execute it upon such a one , meaning the merchant ; who dared not deny it , but carried him before a justice , before whom my two rogues swore flat felony , and so was committed . sending for friends , they advised him to make an end thereof . whereupon i was much solicited ; and upon consideration i consented to cause my friends to forbear prosecution . as yet i have not fully unbowell'd the huge bulk of my villany , that hath proved so burdensome to the world , and destructive to so many families ; wherefore give me leave a little farther to anatomize my own vicious nature , and i shall so lay open the ulcers and sores of my impostumed machinations , apparent to the sight of every one , that the most ospray and owl-eyed spectator shall confess there never was a more necessary and commodious discovery revealed . brother , said i , for so i must call you now , your flagitious deeds claiming that title , & must be compell'd i see to give you superiority , the upperhand , for i am confident the line of other mens inventions never sounded the sea of a more deep and dreadful mischief . when i consider how powerful and imperious vice is of late grown ; and what horrid facts are committed every where by licentious and wicked men that swarm in all places : i admire that the fabrick of the earth is not continually palsyed by earth-quakes , since there is a creator above that oversees such actions . that the earth her self ( though an indulgent mother ) doth not receive into her womb her off-spring , and therein for shame hide them : that the air is not choaked with froggs , and that black pitchy mists do not perpetually masque the face of heaven , and leave the world in obscurity ; and that the sun doth not hide his face from seeing such enormous crimes blacker then is the eclipse of his countenance : and lastly , that the sea is not turned to blood to put us in mind of the cruel and remorseless usages of one another ; our kindness being commonly attended with discourtesies of a vermilion hue . thus brother you see i am sensible of my miscarriages , but want the power to regulate my life . i would have proceeded , but that i found this discourse grated in his ears ; wherefore i desired him to prosecute his story , which he did in this manner . chap. xlvi . he discovers the subtlety of some citizens he had to do withal by broking for them , relating his own craft and cunning , and what the consequent was , the ruine of young gentlemen . like an hawk as i told you , i flew at all game , not confining my self to any one thing particularly ; where i could abuse the law , i did ; and if i had an opportunity to trepan , i seldome failed , &c. some part of 〈◊〉 ●…me i spent in the enquiry of what young 〈◊〉 were arrived , into whose society i was sure by one means or other to insinuate my self . these country wood-cocks i knew how to catch with a city springe ; whom i very well understood , had rather be out of the world then out of the fashion , who would be brave for the present time , though their gallantry cost them all their future fortunes . i commonly laid my plot thus : sir , you undervalue your self by the meanness of your habit , it being so unsuitable to your quality : if you want money , you cannot want credit , having a fair promising estate in reversion ; if you are willing , i will find you out a believing mercer . returning me many thanks , it may be he would be in such hast as to send me presently . he could not be so eager to have his gaudy desires satisfied , as i forward to accomplish them . i knew where to go readily to one , with whom i went snips ; in so saying , i would not have any think i throw dirt upon that noble profession . if i discover the fraud of any particular person , as long as i name him not , i do him no wrong ; but if i detect by what deceitful and sinister means he worketh upon the infirmity of the youth of a green-witted gallant , it may serve for an use of instruction . in the most famous universities there are some dunces resident , that by disgracing themselves , disgrace also their fellow students . in the most virtuous courts there will be some parasits . so in the most goodly and glorious city under heavens canopy , there are some asps lurking , that sting the reputation of their brethren by their poysonous and corrupt dealings . there are knaves in all trades but book-selling . but to my purpose : a young gentleman coming out of norfolk to see the city , & finding so many ( beneath him in estate ) gallant it so much above him , he grew very melancholy : hapning to be in his company , and indifferently well acquainted with him , i askt him the cause of his sadness ? after i had prest him very much , he ingeniously confest the true original of his pensiveness . pish , said i , is that all ? let me alone to effect what you desire ; neither shall you wait longer then the morrow . leaving my gentleman , away i went to a person fit for my purpose , & gave him an account of my business : glad he was , thankt me for my pains , promising me a reward , and would needs have me to a tavern to consult this affair . having concluded every thing , i repaired the next day to my gentleman , who over-joyed to see me , was impatient to know whether his wishes were consummated . come along with me , said i , and we will try what we can do . i have been very importunate with the mercer , but as yet i cannot mollifie him , it may be your presence may do much . finding him in the shop . i called him aside ; and told him this was the gentleman . my young gentleman that would be gallant presently , fell aboard him ( and with much fervency and protestations ) he wooe●… the mercer to credit him for l. worth of commodities . i called him aside , saying , what will l. worth do ? take up l. worth , and what you use not , i will dispose by sale , to furnish your pockets with money . he thankt me kindly for my advice , and returned to the mercer , who ask'd him , if he should credit him with so much , what securiry would he propound ? this struck my young gentleman as dumb as a codshead . the mercer perceiving he had nothing to say , plaid the rope-maker , being extream backward to trust him ; bonds he refused , judgments he would not hear of , statutes he scorned : for , said he , gentlemen of late have found out so many tricks to couzen their creditors ( i by the same means having had several collops cut from the body of my estate ) that i will not credit any more : whereas he spake this only to grind the blunt appetite of my commodity-taker into a sharper edge , and make him more greedy of his own ruine ; imitating in this a cunning and deceitful , though petulant and wanton curtezan , who is nice when a sick-brain'd young gallant importunes her to admit of his amorous kindness , only to make him more fierce upon his own confusion : holding him off like a fencer , a month or two , that he may come up the roundlier to her purpose . but to the matter . my gentleman being in a manner denied , seconded him thus ; sir , you know not what you do in refusing to credit this gentleman ; he is his fathers heir , a man of a vast estate , and very aged : this his son is about a very great match , a rich heiress , and though he hath not mony for the present , yet let him have an hundred pounds worth of commodities , you need not doubt your payment , and it will do him at this present a pounds worth of good . the mercer began to hearken to this and protested to my green-goose , that he would be glad to do any a pleasure , so as not to injure himself ; that if he could but possess him with a belief that he should have his mony in six months , he would freely let him have an hundred pounds worth of what he pleased : the young gentleman protested , and i warranted it ; and the mercer ( though seemingly loath ) condescended , upon this proviso still , that he should procure some man else to be bound with him as good as himself ; for , said he , we are all mortal , and having not a lease of our lives , we may die before to morrow ; where is then my l. ? sig●…ior unthrift is once more put to his non-plus , but at length fell to intreat me , who would not by any means , and so we parted . he would not let me rest for two or three days together , so that at last , provided he would give me ten pound , i would : agreed , we went again to the mercer , and entring into bonds , we had the commodities . having made my young gentleman an absolute gallant , i went to sell what was left , of which i made l. but i made my gallant to be contented with l. alledging , that when goods come once to be sold , they will not yeild the moiety of what they cost , though new : and out of that l. i had my l. for suretyship . thus i perswaded him to be very well satisfied . he revels about , whilst i was contriving to leave him as bare of means as brains . now doth my mercer dream of nothing but his pay-day , which he hoped would be broken . the time being expired , and my young novice not minding it , the mercer invited him to a dinner in fish-street : dinner being almost ended , for a third course came up a couple of sergeants stewed with mace , who arrested him at the suit of the founder of the feast ; not procuring bail , he was carried to the counter , where he lay some time : his friends hearing thereof , endeavour'd to get him out , by an audita querela ; my mercer hearing thereof advised with me what was best to be done . agree , said i , with some officer in the exchequer , and so turn the debt over to the king , pretending you owe him so much mony ; for the chancery will not , or cannot allow any thing in such a case against his majesty . he so doing , his business was done for the present . thus have i read , when the jews have bought a red-hair'd boy , at first they will cloath him in silks , ravishing him with all the delights that can be thought on , never have musick from his ears , or banquets from his taste ; and thus use him , till they see he is plump , fat , and fit for their purpose : but when the poor boy least thinks of his imminent ruine , he is taken by a brace of slaves , and tied up by the he●…ls , so beaten by degrees to death with cudgels , purging the rankest poyson out of his mouth , and making mummy of his flesh . i shall leave it to the reader to make application . in short , i perswaded the mercer to take a bond of l. of his prisoner , to be paid after his fathers decease . this widgeon being in the nets , sealed to any thing for his liberty . he was not the first so served , by thousands . and that is the reason there are so many crested citizens : for gentlemen being begger'd by their extortion , they have no other means then to fall in with their wives , purchasing from them a supply . this is it that makes the roads every where so full of high-way-men , who will borrow of men when they have little mind to lend , but not without giving them bonds . this makes tyburn , the metropolitan , and other petty gallowses , have so many hangers on ; and this is the cause so many such citizens sons are plagued after their fathers deaths , as their fathers , when living , have plagued others . these are the boars that plow up whole acres , nay , fields of gentlemens lands with their snouts ; these are the swine that eat up whole orchards , and these are they whose siery consciences drink up whole fish-ponds at a draught ; and lastly , they are the hurry-canes that root up the trees of whole woods together . from such , libera nos domine . to conclude , take this as an infallible maxime , that the worst of creditors are either very rich men , or very poor men : the rich man can stay for his mony , and therefore will have all or none ; the poor man to be sure will have no pity , neither do i see how he should , for it may be the debt is all he is worth . chap. xlvii . how he insinuated himself into the acquaintance of all he thought he could prey upon , and what tricks he used to build his interest upon their ruine . how can that tyrant flourish in his commonwealth , when the foundation of his reign was built on the sepalchre of the right and lawful heir he murther'd ? and how can that man prosper , whose rise he rear'd from other mens ruines ? such was i , who having oftentimes been gulled by knaves , turned knave my self , and did as greedily hunt after such i could make a prey of , ( to repair the damages i had sustain'd by others ) as the devil doth after usurers souls , being on their death-beds , resolving to live like a bandite on the spoil . like an old souldier having been beaten to the world , ( or indeed more properly , beaten by the world ) i began to summon up all my senses and my idle brains to a strict account , how to get that up again , my riot and folly had spent ; and thinking i had no way to recover my self , but by what ruined me , i did cast about me , and fished after this manner . i prepared my lines , providing baits , and made ready my hooks , which had such constant and firm barbs , that after i had struck a gudgeon in the gills , i was sure to hold him , though i suffer'd him to play a little in the stream . the flouds i daily frequented , were either the temple , ordinaries , play-houses , cock-pits , brothels , or taverns , leaving no place unsearch'd , wherein there might be any thing worthy a bait. if such i found , like a shadow i was never from his heels , but followed him close , especially if he was a young country-gentleman , whom his father had sent up to see fashions in the citie : and rather then he should go out as raw as he came in , i failed not to season him in one of the cities powdering-tubs . first , i made it my business to know what his father allowed him ; then would i studie his natural disposition and inclination , and accordingly sute my self to him , so that by my behaviour towards him , he should look upon me to be his masculine sweet-heart , his bosom-friend , and that like hippocrates twins , we must needs live and die together . having now by much sweat and industrie adapted and fitted him to my humour and purpose , and wrought him to such a soft and waxen temperature , that i could make what impression i pleased on him , i brought him acquainted with some of my accomplices , who all vail'd bonnet to him , invited him from tavern to tavern , not letting him expend a penny ; or if he wanted money , i would supply him with four or five pound . this innocent ( not having yet scented the citie-air ) all this while thinks himself in elysium , fancying he enjoys more de●…ghts then the turks paradise affords , and withal imagineth h●…mself not a little graced , to be entertained amongst such seeming gallants . for my rogues ( give me the libertie to call them so ) lookt on it as the greatest piece of police to wear good cloaths , though their ●…ockets were wo●…e furnished then a chandlers box , that seldom hath any greater money in it , then two peice , three pence , groats , &c. sometimes my c●…llie did meet with such ( that knew me ) who would advise him to have a care and not to keep me companie , for i was a dangerous person , and in the end would ruine him . whereas it was to little purpose : for when youth is in its full vigour , and height of desire , neither wholesom counsel , nor iamentable examples , will give them warning of their future destruction . still i continued my seeming respects and kindnesses to him , which i onely intended as the praeludium or prologue to that play which was to come after : for my country cock-brain being honeyed with these sweet delights , thought that whatever he could return , was not able to give an answerable satisfaction . watching a fit opportunitie ( when he is well warm'd with wine ) then would i perswade him , ( which was no difficult matter ) to be bound with 〈◊〉 for so much , &c. which i promised i would repay at the day , without putting him to any inconvenience : but he knew not , that what i borrowed for an hou●… , i borrowed for an age . when i could squeeze no more juice out of him , then i left him to the mercy of his creditors , to be dealt w●…thal as the topinjay in the fable , who being summoned to appear with the rest of the winged tribe , before their king the eagle , borrowed of all the finer sort of birds feathers to adorn him , and make him appear splended before his soveraign . after he wat dismiss'd , he proudly flutter'd up and down the woods with his borrow'd gallantry , which made the little titmoase , wren , and hedge-sparrow adore him . they to whom he was obliged for his gallantry , hearing thereof , demanded again their own , and so deplum'd him , whereby he seem'd ten times worse then those small birds that lately did admire him . such popinjays are they , who borrow of every citizen , to make themselves shew glorious in the worlds eye ; but when their creditors shall come and claim their own , and get it , they will seem more foul then lately they did fair . so various and villanous were the pranks i committed every day , that i was forced now , like an owl , to appear only by night in the citie . if i d●…d at any time transgress that custom , i did then as the dogs of egypt , when they come to drink of the river nil●… , lap here and there , and dare not stay long in one place , for fear the crocodiles that lie lurking within the banks , should pull them into the current : so did i , skulking here and there , then to one tavern ; and not daring to stay longer there , shifted to another . but to proceed . chap. xlviii . how he could make ink that would disappear from the paper , accordingly as he pleased , by the strength or weakness of the composition . his imitating exactly both hand and seal . a remarkable story thereupon . reading one time a book that an italian vvrit , i found therein a description of several sorts of ink , and how to make them ; but more especially , an ink that should last a week , a month , or two , according to the composition . i made an experiment , and found it hit indifferently well : perceiving how beneficial this would be to me , i resolved not to rest till i had found out the true receipt ; which i did at last , by much study and industry . having obtain'd it , i so highly valued it , that methought i would not have parted with it for the philosophers stone . not to be tedious , i did abuse there with many persons with bonds , leases , deeds , acquittances , &c. there appearing in such a time nothing but the bare seal , the paper remaining as white as if never writ on . by the help of graving , i could counterfeit seals exactly , insomuch that i have often cheated the grand cheater , oliver , the late hypocritical and bloudy tyrant ; and by an exact imitation of an hand-writing , his council was too too sensible of what cheats i put upon them . that i was no bungler at it , i shall give you this instance . accidentally coming acquainted with a gentlewoman , very beautiful and well featur'd , her sparkling eyes set me all in a flame , so that i resolved to attempt the enjoyment of her . oftentimes i visited her , and by the modesty of my carriage towards her , she perceived not my burning lust . one time having a fit opportunity , she being alone , i communicated my thoughts to her : waving what amorous discourse past on my side , i would have fallen roundly to the matter ; but she understanding my intent , cry'd out ; whereupon ) desisted , seeing it was to little purpose if i proceeded . sitting down by her , she exprest an absolute hatred to me for my incivility , and vow'd she would neither see nor endure me more . the vehemence of her utterance and countenance fully declared she was in earnest ; so that i saw 't was time to be gone . looking about ( unperceived by her ) i took up half a sheet of paper of her writing , and clap●… it into my pocket ; and so took my leave . coming home , i found my love converted into hatred , and therefore vowed my revenge : and thus it was . i understood from her , whereabout her husband liv'd , and what his christian name was , with somthing of her concerns ; that her husbands mother could not endure her , ( because her son married her without a portion , though a wise , discreet , vertuous , and handsome woman ) and whereabout she lived , with name , &c. i counterfeited a letter , as from this vertuous gentlewoman , to a gallant of hers , taxing him with want of love , and that if he proved not more constant , she had no more to say to him , &c. the contents you shall have in the letter it self , as followeth . most beloved by me of men ! i cannot blame you so much as my self : it is customary for man to proffer , but then it should be a womans duty to refuse : but alas ! how could i withstand the powerful perswasions of your cloquent tongue , especially when they carried with them so much seeming reality of affection and constancy ? i finde you now like other vow-breaking men , who having obtained the fruition of their desires , their appetite nauseates that which before it so eagerly crav'd . call to minde those many endeared and melting expressions you did voluntarily utter , when i was encircled in thine arms ; and if that will not reduce you to your former station , and good esteem of me , now so much slighted by you , consider that i have preferred you in love before my husband , not caring how much i wronged him to pleasure you . if nothing will prevail , know then , this shall be my resosolution , that since you have alienated my affection from my husband , and you thus unworthily desert me , i will procure a subject elsewhere shall out-do you in every thing , as much or more as you have out-done my husband . i am young , plump , handsome , and buck some ; what then should hinder me from enjoying such a person , my heart will not rest satisfied till i have found ? which having done , he shall lead me in thy view , and then it is probable you will desire , but never shall reassume your place again within my breast . farewel . this letter was sent to her mother-in-law in the country , who was glad she had matter to impeach her daughter to her son . assoon as he saw the letter , he very well knew the hand , he thought , and would have sworn it to be his wifes : but reading the contents , the poor man was ready to sink down for grief . perturbation of minde would not let him rest in his countrydwelling , but rid up post to london , where he soon found out his wife . the unexpected fight of him at first surprised her , not hearing of his coming , and knowing that his occasions were very urgent in the country ; however , like a truly-loving wife , she was overjoy'd to see him , and would have kiss'd him , but that he rudelie thrust her off ; which action struck her to the heart , and overwhelm'd her in amazement . prethee sweet-heart ( said she ) what is the matter ? there , read it , said he , throwing her the letter . she read it , and swounded : he let her lie , not caring whether she liv'd or dy'd ; and haddy'd indeed , had not her maid come up accidentally . being recovered , he ask'd her whether it was her hand . she could not deny it : which made the man rage , ready to run out of his wits , whilst she was silent with astonishment , taking such inward grief , that she betook her self to her bed . nothing could comfort her , neither would she take any thing to sustain life . hearing how powerfully my forgeries had wrought , to the hazard of somes lives ; in the same hand i sent him a letter , wherein i gave him an account of the designe , proclaiming to the world the gentlewomans honesty , unspotted and unstain'd . the gentlewoman recover'd in a little time after ; but this trick had too much seiz'd upon my gentleman ; for like a fool he fell distracted in a sneering posture , as pleas'd to think his wife was honest notwithstanding . i have been somewhat long in this relation , because it was a passage very remarkable . now i shall tell you how i cheated a young citizen and an upholster . chap. xlix . how he cheated a young citizen newly set up , and an upholster . a young citizen about to set up , and wanting some money , was directed to me , to procure so much as his present occasion required . i treated him very civilly , promising him very fairly ; and in order thereunto , appointed him a day ; which being come , contrary to my expectation or desire , he brought a crew with him , to see the receipt of the money . judging this time inconvenient for my designes , i told him i expected the money this very day ; but if he pleased to seal the bond , and have it witnessed , he might keep it himself ; and bringing the bond with him the next day , he should not fail to have his money . the next day he came to the place appointed , where i was ready to wait him . as good fortune would have it , he came alone . i discours'd with him a while : at last i desired him to let me see the bond ; which he delivered into my hand , being sign'd and seal'd before . i took this as a good and lawful livery , and put it up into my pocket . he asked me what i meant . i told him he should know when the bond became due . why sir , said he , you will not serve me so ? dost thou think i am such a fool ( said i ) to lend thee so much money upon a piece of paper , which next showre of rain will wash away with thy self into the common shore ? shall i trust thee , when thou canst not trust thy self ? at this the young man began to be clamorous ; but one of my accomplices soon fill'd the clapper of his mouth , by a sound knock on the pate , which laid him asleep : and in the mean time we marcht off . just as the money came due upon the bond , my flock-pated ( it was gone to tell his friends in the country the danger of counters and prisons in the citie . wanting another time some money to supply my present occasions , i could not think of any stratagem for the present to assist me in this necessity , but to sell my featherbed , with furniture thereunto belonging . packing them up , i got a friend to go along with the porter , and sell them to an upholster . which my friend did , bringing me half their worth ; but withal , that which was more then the whole worth , the name of the person . a week afterwards , wanting my bed , i resolved to have it again . whereupon i went to him that bought it , asking him before a couple i carried along with me , whether at such a time there were not such commodities sold him . he acknowledged there was . i desired to see them : and he as readily granted that . sir , said i , these are my goods : i was lately rob'd , and now i know you are the receiver : i must have you before a justice , to know how you came by them . the naming of a justice so terrified this simple silly fellow , that he bid me take them if i would swear they were mine , and put him to no further trouble . first i wore they were my goods , ( and therein i was not perjur'd ) but i told him i could not receive stollen goods safely , though they were my own . in short , i got my bed and furniture thereunto again , with money to boot . chap. l. he is at last met withal , and laid up in prison by one of his creditors . the abuses and tricks sergeants use to arrest men . lastly , he escaped , by putting atrick upon his keeper . having gone thus far without any remarkable check or controul , at least any such as might bear a proportion with the villanies and injuries i had done ; i absolutely thought that nothing was dishonest or difficult that had in it either pleasure or profit . meeting with no molestation or hinderance , i took my freedom to do even what i listed . one time thinking my self most secure , i then found my self in the greatest danger , being arrested in an action of l. several times there were attempts made to take me , but i was still too cunning for them : yet at last they overreacht me ; it will not beamiss to relate in what manner . they had information , that every week i had letters come to me out of essex , and that the porter which brought them had still free admittance to me : wherefore the serjeant provided himself a frock , and a rope about his middle , which would better have become his neck , and with letters in his hand directed to me , trudged to my lodging . knocking at my door , and being demanded his business , he told them he had letters for the master of the house , nominating me . looking out , and seeing no one but a seeming porter , i order'd that he should be let in . assoon as he was enter'd , he bid my worship good morrow , and in stead of delivering me his letters , shewed me his mace ; which i wisht might be the onely spice and meat too he should eat for a twelvemonth . seeing how i was betraid , i went quickly along with him to the compter ; and afterwards , finding i could make no composition with my creditors , turned my self over to the kings-bench . various are their tricks and inventions to ensuare whom they intend to arrest . sometimes i have known a creditor seem to comply with his debtor , telling him that paying some inconsiderable matter , his bonds should be renewed with longer time : then appoint him a place of meeting , where he saith he will bring a counsellor and scrivener ; a counsellor to advise them in management of their business , and a scrivener to write what they determine . he acquainted a sergeant and a yeoman with his plot , who were as hot upon it , as an italian on a wench of . the serjeant going with a barristers gown on his back , and the yeoman with his beard cut as close as a stubble field , with a pen in his ear , and some parchment in his hand , effected their design without suspicion . a merchant i knew , that intended to break and go beyond sea , was betraid by his servant , who informed his creditors that at such a time his mr. vvould be gone : that on the morrow he would send for coopers to hoop some dry-fats to pack his goods ; and that if ever they hoped to have their money , they must make that their time . some serjeants were presently acquainted herewith , vvho attired like coopers in red caps , canvase brecches , with ads in their hands , and hoops about their shoulders , went to the merchant and vve●…e entertained ; vvhilst he vvas giving them direction ; but in stead of hooping the dry-fats , they hoopt him in their arms , and arrested him . before they parted vvith him , they made him part vvith so much money as would satisfie his creditors and them ; and made him fee them besides , not then to enter any more actions against him . they will change themselves into as many shapes as proteus , to bring about their designe : sometimes like a grand wealthy citizen , othertimes like a country-fellow newly come to town , vvith boots and spurs all dirty . now as i have related their manner of arresting , so let me briefly inform you of their using ( or rather abusing ) prisoners . first they enquire of the person vvhether this be the first time he vvas arrested : if so , then they know the better how to deal vvith him . perhaps they will carry him to the tavern , pretending to do him kindness , where they will advise him to send for some friend ; and one of them will be the porter himself ; but in stead of fetching the friend , he only enquires out his creditors , and perswades them to use this opportunity to recover their debt : mean while , the other that is left behind doth milk him . the messenger returning , sorrowfully tells him his friend is not at home . getting as much as they can by spunging , and sucking the very heart-bloud of his pocket , the compter must be his refuge at last . sometimes , seeing a man in fear of arresting , they will without warrant of the creditor give him a cast of their office , often arresting him before they enter their action ; and have ways to prevent a mans injuring them by search in the offices . other times for a fee they will send to the party to keep out of the way , having received a fee to that end before . oftentimes , having arrested , if the creditor stand not by , they will let the party go for a brace of angels , or so ; telling his adversary that he cannot set eye on him . and though their fee for an arrest is to be but i●… yet will they hardly be wrought upon to do their office under a crown : and though the statute say that the arrested shall pay but one groat , i will not excuse him for an angel. if a man oppose them , or struggle for an escape , they will both gripe and pinch him , and afterwards clap an action of assault and battery on him at their own suit . i could say more of them , but that for fear i must be favourable , being now , as i tell you , a prisoner in the kings-bench , which may be called , the bankrupts banque●…ting-house , where he feasts himself on dishes borrowed from other mens tables ; or , the predigals purgatory , and a pesthouse for decaying citizens . being wearie of this place , wherein are as many maladies and mischiefs as flew out of pandora's box opened by epimetheus ; i invented this stratagem : one day i pretended much business abroad , and so got leave to go out with my keeper , resolving not to return with him . having been from tavern to alehouse , and so to tavern again , pretending the dispatch of much business i at length told my keeper , that i would visit a very dea friend of mine , but that i thought it requisite to be trim'd first . he consenting , we went to a barbers . i sat down in the chair first ; and being dispatcht , i desired the keeper to sit down too , and i would pay for sprucifying his phisnomy . whilst he was trimming i talkt of one thing or other , to hold him in discourse . at last said the barber , shut your eyes , or else my ball will offend them . shutting his eyes , i took an occasion to slip out , planting my self in an house hard by ; the barber not imagining i was a prisoner . the keeper not hearing me talk , valued not the smart , but opened his eyes ; and seeing me not in the shop , rose up , and that so hastily , that he overthrew cutbeard , and the bason on him , running out into the street with the barbers cloth about him , and don barberoso's turbant on his head . the people seeing him thus with the froth about his face , concluded him mad , and as he ran gave him the way . the barber with his razor ran after the keeper , crying , stop him , stop him , that i may be revenged on the rogue . the other nere minding the outery , ran staring up and down as if his wits had lately stole away from him , and he in pursuit of them . some durst not stop him , others would not , thinking the barber by his posture intended to have his testicles for abusing his wife . to conclude , the barber at last seis'd him , and having recovered his cloaths and made him pay d. for shaving , the keeper was d●…mist with a kick or two in the arse ; the barber not suffering him to speak a word in his own defence . thus freeing my self , i resolv'd to take the country-air , where i happily met with you . many other things worthy remembrance did he relate , which now i have forgot . some while we staid together ; but at last his business call'd him one way , and my padding trade invited me another . the english padder or hiway robber portrayd . chap. li. he is laid up in oxford - goal by his host ; he is cheated at chester ; and after some time is ransomed thence by some of his comrades , knights of the road , they paying his debts . our crew having been abroad , we had got a valuable purchase ; which after we had divided , i told them , that i would but visit a friend at oxford , and repair to them again within two or three days . my old acquaintance being overjoy'd to see me , after so long absence , treated me very gallantly , introducing me into the society of the wits ; who would frequently drink too , till they had lost them . the company pleased me so well , that i thought it a solecisin in civility , to be sober , when they made any appointment for m●…h ; and they being true bacchanalians , in the uppermost classis of aristippus's school , scorn'd to be oucvy'd by a junior sophister ; and therefore , do what i could , they would be drunk before me : they never comended about any argument that tended to eb●…ery , but swallowed them all . i thought they would never have done speaking of sack ; every one endeavoring who should express most in its praise . one said , that diogenes was but a dry fellow ; and the only reason he could give for it , was , that it is shrewdly suspected by the commentators on his tub , that that wooden-house of his was given him by a beer-brewer , who being , an enemy to all good wit : and learning , ciates , unfortunately my chester-landlord ( who having some business to do in oxford , was newly come thither to dispatch it ) espy'd me , and without accosting me ( like a subtile sophister ) watcht me whither i went : being housed , he presently fetcht two officers , and coming out into the street napt me . i sent to those friends that had been so merry with me ever since my coming to that city ; but they understanding the business , came not neer me ; one pretending in disposition of body ; another , that he was not within ; a third , that he was about urgent occasions , which having finisht , he would wait upon me ; but in fine , none came to my relief , shewing themselves right pot-companions , whose courtesies it may be , shall extend to the payment of a reckoning , when their friend wants it to discharge it himself ; but disappear and vanish , when their assistance is implored to draw him out of prison . seeing no remedy , i patiently suffered my self to be confined . my adversary visiting me , i treated with him about my releasment , offering him what i had , which was neer upon half ; but his resolution was to have all , or there i must lie . though i could not much condemn him , yet i could not but complain against the inconstancy of fortune ; and ruminating within my minde the miseries that attend all sorts of prisons , i judged that of debt to be the most deplorable : and though i wanted liberty , which commonly doth depress the minde , yet by the vertue of canary ( which i could not be without ) my fancy scorned to be fettered , but would in spite of fate , use her freedom . 't is some kinde of pleasure and comfort , for a man sometimes in adversity , to descant on his own miserable condition ; which because i found experimentally true , i applied my self to my usual custom , the use of my pen , differencing these metropolitan prisons thus : to bedlam men are sent bereft of wit ; when 't is restored , then they are freed from it : confin'd to newgate long , men can't complain , for once a month they 're cleer'd from it and pain ; in a short time their bolts wear off , and then they may be sure ne're to come there agen ; discharged thence their fettered souls shall be , only an hour confin'd , and then set free . bridewel , n●… wise man yet did e're dispraise thee , for thou dost feed the poor , correct the lazy ; the expiration of a little time , forgives offenders , and forgets their crime . hereafter from this prison , heav'n defend me , rather to bedlam , newgate , bridewel , send me ; for there wit , work , or law doth set men free , nothing but money here gets liberty . having lain here above a week , i sent away a letter to my brethren , informing them of my misfortune , and acquainting them with the sum i was imprisoned for ; which was sent me by them , and brought by one of our trusty knights : paying my debt and fees , i returned again to them . chap. lii . he returns to his brethren the knights of the road , whom he finds with two or three gentlemen , strangers ; he cheats one of them of a very fair and rich watch. my companions took little notice of me at my return , which made me think there was some design in hand ; but according to their usual course , fell to drink high : observing two or three faces , i tipt a wink to one of my brethren ; being in another room ; i asked him , who they were ; he replied , gentlemen that were travelling into the north ; to which he added , we have been pumping them ( ever since we did thrust our selves into their company ) to know what store of cash they had about them ; but we find little more then will defray their necessary expences on the road ; only , said he , there is one of them hath a very rich watch : i bid him return to his place , and i would warrant him to have it before he stirred . i came in again to the company , not taking the least cognizance of any , but shewed much tespect and civility to them all , as a stranger ; i purposely askt what it was a clock : one of the gentlemen , and of my friends both , pulled forth their watches , striving who should first give me satisfaction to my question ; after this , they viewed interchangeably the workmanship of one & the other , both praising the seeming goodness of each others watch. at last my friend makes a propofition : come , sir , if you please we will make an exchange upon sentence and repentance . the stranger desired to understand his meaning : why , sir , said he , we will commit them both into the hands of any one indifferent person , and what difference he shall judge there is between them , shall be given in money by him whose watch is least worth . it was concluded upon ; but they could not agree into whose hands to put them . at last it was mutually agreed upon between them , that i being a stranger to them both , should be the decider : i seemingly refused it , but they would not hear me alledge any arguments to the contrary ; whereupon i went out , and immediately causing my horse to be brought forth , without the least delay i mounted , and away i rid . my comerades knew where to meet me at the next stage . the next morning they found me out , telling me how they all stormed to be so cheated , to avoid suspition : and now did they all embrace me , promising to themselves great hopes in me from this adventure . chap. liii . he puts a notable trick upon a physician . near adjacent to our general randezvons , i was informed of the habitation of a weaithy physician , who had shewed himself fortunately expert in divers cures , where it seemed that humane art had not sufficient power to give a remedy . the fame of his great skill , and of many admirable cures , which to the shame of other physicians , he had performed , made him so generally beloved and sought after , that in a short time he purchased by his sanatory industry , above l. per annum , and seldom had less by him then a thousand pound . thus much i casually understood from one accidentally , speaking of this his rich neighbour : but that which pleased me most was , that ( as he said ) he seidom carried less then an pieces of gold about him constantly , proceeding from a fancy derived from an extream love he bore that metal . i could not sleep for contriving a way how i might disembogue this u●…iral of what it contained : sometimes i way-laid him in his return ; but he was so well esteemed of , that he seldom returned home without two or three gentlemen to accompany him . at another time i thought to have pretended some distemper , and so have applied my self to him for cure ; and imagining that he would privately discourse with me about my malady , that then i would present a pistol to his breast , swearing , that should be his immediate and unavoidable executioner , if he did not without the least noise or resistance , deliver such a quantity of gold ; but this way i could not approve of , it being accompanied with so much hazard . at last i thought of this stratagem , which safely produced its effect : one day after dinner i rid to his house ( seemingly ) in extream haste , which he might perceive not only by my own affrighted looks , but by my horse , which was all of a soam ; i askt his servant , with much quickness , whether mr. doctor was within ; yes , sir , ( said he ) if you please to walkin , i shall call him to you . i waited some time ( for most of that profession must take some state upon them ) and then mr. doctor came . sir , ( said i ) the report of your great experience in your happy practice hath brought me hither , humbly imploring your assistance , and that instantly , if you have any respect to the preservarion of life ; the trouble i shall put you to , shall be gratefully recompensed to the utmost of my ability . the doctor inquired of me , whom it was , and what manner of distemper the person laboured under ; i readily told him , it was my wife , who for some continuance of ●…e , hath been extreamly ●…oubled with the flux of her belly ; the more that is applied to it by us , the more it increaseth ; wherefore , our help failing , i beseech you lend us yours , and favour me so far as to ride with me to her . the seeming sincerity of my words prevailed upon him , asthey would have done upon the most distrustful . this doctor ( who as i was informed , was accustomed to be induced more by gain , then fair words ) gave me this desirable answer : sir , far be it from me that i should resuse to do my endeavour to any person whatever , much less to a gentleman of your rank and quality , in that little skill which i have in the knowledge and practise of physick ; if i can effect any thing for the good of the good gentlewoman your wife , i will attend you thither with a very good will , which at any time my charge requireth . without attending any further discourse , his horse was made ready , and so we rid a way together . as we rid through a small wood , leading him the way , i turned my horse about , and clapt a pistol to his breast , shewing him withal an empty bag ; see here , sir , ( said i ) my wife , which hath a long time been troubled with a flux or vomiting , which you please , the last i think more proper ; for she no sooner receives any thing for her ( and my ) sustenance , but she immediately brings it up again at her mouth . now sir , if you do not find out some means to mitigate this distemper ( the cure i shall never expect , as knowing it impossible ) this pistol shall send you to aesculapius , to consult with him what is most sit to be administred : come , sir , let me advise you , and save your self the trouble of so long a journey ; your gold ( an hundred pieces ( as i am told ) are the constant attending esquires of your body ) i say , that is the best and only recipe for a remedy . the doctor perceiving there was no help , in much amazement and fear delivered me what gold he had about him , which was neer upon the sum exprest : there was a rich diamond-ring on his finger , which i desired him likewise to give me , which should serve for a perpetual memorandum of his kindness to me . i commanded him , as he tendred his life , to ride back again , without so much as once looking behinde him ; and that if he offered to raise the country , if i was sure to die that instant , i would be the death of him first . the doctor followed my dictations so exactly , that i never heard more of him . chap. liv. he falls in love with a wealthy widow , who is poetically inclined ; he courts her , and in a short time injoys her , and after that ingratefully leaves her , carrying away what ready money she had . having gained so much money by my own industry and sole procurement , i resolved neither to acquaint my brethren therewith , nor associate my self any longer with them , being so encouraged by this success , that i concluded i might a●…chieve gallant things by my self : being belated one night , and some miles from any town , i knockt at an house that stood in my road , imagining it at first a publick house for entertainment ; one of the servants coming to the door , i found it no such thing : he demanded my business : prithee sweetheart ( said i ) acquaint your master , that there is a gentleman requests the civility of a nights lodging : she goes in and informs her mistress what i said ; who came to me with much respect , telling me , she questioned not but i was a gentleman , and therefore should be welcome to the mean accomodation she was capable of shewing . i rendred her many thanks , and so alighted ; strict order was given to the groom , that he very carefully lookt after my horse : this being done , i was conducted into a very fair room ; there did i make my apology in the best rhetorick i had , for i perceived she was endued with ingenuity , by the quaintness of her expressions ; ex pede herculem : many things i forged , as that the ways being dangerous , i was fearful to adventure any farther , having a great charge upon me . such was her urbanity , that laying aside all niceties , she bore me company till it was time to go to bed , entertaining me all this while with what the house afforded , which was beyond my expectation . every glass of wine , or bit almost , that i committed to my mouth , she ushered thither with some apothegm or other : the whole series , indeed , of her discourse , was composed of nothing but reason or wit , which made me admire her ; which she easily understood , i perceived , by her smiles , when she observed me gaping , as it were , when she spoke , as if i would have eaten up her words . as her soul was beautiful , sparkling with celestial ornaments , so was the caskanet that contained it very fair , and enricht with natures chiefest gifts : she was very clear skin'd , well bodied , a sharp piercing eye , a proportionable face , an exceeding small and white hand ; and then she lispt a little , which became her so well , that methought it added a grace to the rest of her internal and external qualifications . being about ten a clock , she advised me to repose my self , supposing i was weary . i condescended , though with much regret to leave her so soon ; but good manners would not permit me to do otherwise : she conducted me to my chamber , where bidding me good night , she betook her self to her own chamber . that night i could hardly sleep , not so much for pure love , as the heat of lust : next morning , very early , i heard her stirring , which made me wonder ; but she told me afterwards , that she got up so soon , fearing i should have gone away , and she not take her leave of me . about eight in the morning , the maid brought me up a sack-posset ; and a little after , her mistress came , courteously saluting me , and enquiring how i slept : i return'd an answer , in as handsom terms i could utter : her eyes plainly discovered to mine , that she had more then a common respect for me . having left me a while , i arose , and made my self ready for my journey : after several discourses which she had ingaged me in , purposely to delay time , with much gratitude i took my leave , she attending me to the court : my horse being b●…ought out , halted down-right ( she had caused him to be prickt in the foot , to the intent i might stay longer . ) not knowing what to say or do , well , sir , said she , since the unhappy accident hath fallen out so unexpectedly , make use of my house , & what is in it , till your horse be recover'd of his lameness . this was a proposition that my soul longed for ; wherefore i could not but shew much satisfaction in the acceptation of this proffer . we walkt in again , & prosecuted for diversion sake our former discourse , interlining it with some love-touches at a distance , which she would frequently descant on pleasantly . we in this short time became intimately acquainted ; which need not be much wondred at , considering the greatness of sympathy between us ; so that now the conquest of her appeared not any ways difficult . having talkt our selves weary , come , said she in a very familiar manner , i will shew you the product of some idle hours ; and with that brought me several epitap●…s , elegies , anagrams , anacrosticks , epigrams , &c. of her own composition , too many here to relate ; but for their wit , deserved to have each line characterized in gold : some i would here insert , were not the radiant lustre of her conceits so great and glorious , that they would absolutely extinguish the dim-sightedness of my fancy . having viewed them , i could not but applaud them , as their due merit ; and i was glad i had this happy occasion to vent my own thoughts , which i taci●…ly infinuated in these lines , reflecting on her from what i had read . sisters thrice three i've read of , and no more , till your quick wit compleated half a score : since you are one , let me perswade you then , be kind to me , for they are kind to men . dearest , be like them , they are soft and hlithe let who will love the nine , give me the tithe . these lines so powerfully wrought upon her , that she could not forbear to tell me , that she was much obliged to me for what i had writ . you cannot madam , said i , cancel your obligation , till you have made some recompence : with that , said she smilingly , what will content you ? the continuance of your favour madam , is the utmost ambition of my desires . you have it sir ; neither can i deny any deserving man a thing so inconsiderable : by your favour madam , love i mean. i never was so uncharitable , said she , to be out of love with any . i was glad to hear her reply so merrily : for a fort which so capitulateth , is half surrendred . since i had broke the ice , i was resolved to prosecute my design ; wherefore in plain english i told her , that i loved her from the first interview , so ardently , that my constancy should prove the reality of my affection : she desired me to leave that to the test of time ; that should she believe me suddenly before she had made tryal , she should not only loose the good estimation she had gained by the prudent and discreet management of her affairs , every one accusing her for too much credulity , but thereby it may be involve her self in a labyrinth of all manner of troubles . tryal , said i , you shall have : and knowing the manner of courting a widow , a tryal i gave her , knowing that parleys operate little on a widow , and there is nothing sooner gains a conquest then a resolute assault . this action made her so firmly mine , that i durst not speak of leaving ; which when i did at any time , her soul was ready to leave its ancient habitation to attend on me . some two months we spent in all manner of self-pleasing delights , till at last i begun to be tyr'd with her too frequent invitations ; the more i endeavoured to satisfie her , the further i was from it . not only by her , but by others , this experiment i found , that the oftner i treated them , the more eagerly and earnestly they desired it . being now incapacitated to hold out in this manner longer , i thought it high time to be gone , but not without sufficient recompence for my service . she daily sollicited me to marry her , which i promised her from time to time , waiting an opportunity when i might become master of her treasure . one day in a frolick , and the more to encourage me to make a speedy consummation of our loves by marriage , she shew'd me all her writings which concerned her estate ( by which i found her to be so wealthy a fortune , that i oftentimes curst my unhappy stars , that they had thus debarr'd me from the complement of so great a bliss . ) after this , she shews me a trunk wherein was contained her cash : then taking me about the neck with such fervency of affection , that i thought she would have strangled me , & with the repetition of kisses , she smiling , aske me , whether these things satisfied me or not . i told her they did , but they were not to stand in competition with her most affected self : with that she gave me the keys of that trunk wherein her money was ; and in retaliation , i vowed to marry her in four days . in the mean time i studied how i might be gone , but could not contrive a way , she not induring me to be out of her sight . in fine , i feigned some indisposition of body , and that i would ride two or three miles for the benefit of the fresh air , and return : with much unwillingness she consented . just as i was about to take horse ( having furnished my self with as much mony as i could well carry without discovery ) she wept bitterly ( as having i think a prophetick spirit . ) i ask'd her the cause of her discontent : all bathed in tears , she answered me with a deep sigh , i shall never see you more : hard-hearted man ! can you thus leave a woman that loves you thus dearly , nay , that dotes on you ? i made many protestations to the contrary ; which were not believed . seeing that i could not prevail on her belief , i bad her farewel , setting spurs to my horse , and was out of sight in an instant . i could not but condemn my self extreamly for this inhumane action : but considering that there is no slavery greater then that of the smock , i soothed my self up in mine own unworthiness ; passing by a little ale-house , i called in , and over a pot of ale i composed these ensuing lines , which i sent to her by a messenger i procured in the house , directed thus : deliver these to the fair hands of mrs. pulcheria tickleman , at her dwelling-house , near redding . the contents were these , or to this purpose . madam , a poetess you are , and prophet too , thus to divine i 'm gone from you eternally . 't is true : d' ye think that i can eat , though ne're so choice , always one sort of meat ? no faith ; i 'd rather wear a porters frock , then to be shrowded in one womans smock . you say you are with child ; pish , don't complain ; 't is but the product of your fruitful brain : y' are only big with fancy , which may prove a witty brat , like pallas sprung from jove . and have you then conceiv'd ? how can i chuse but write encomiums on my fertile muse ? mind not the father , nor his brat , for it will like the father live ( no doubt ) by wit : let pegasus be godfather , the crew of the nine muses , gossips ; so adieu . i desired no answer , therefore stayed not till the return of the messenger , but rid that night to maidenhead . chap. lv. he comes up to london , sends to a particular friend , whom he could confide in , to come to him , and requests him to compound with his creditors , which he did in a short time ; and in a short time after , he attempts the robbing of an house , but is taken and clapt up in newgate : the miseries of an imprisoned estate , with the manner of his escape out of that prison . the next day i rode towards london , and about twylight took up my quarters in the suburbs : the day following , i sent for a friend whom i could put confidence in , who came immediately upon the reception of my letter . i communicated to him my intentions , who was very glad to hear of my resolution ; yet i would not acquaint him how strong i was , nor by what means procured : 't was enough that i gave him commission how far forth he should proceed , and no farther , which was half a crown per pound . he went ( after i had given him a list of them all ) to every one particularly , and treated with them so cunningly , and they despairing of ever recovering a farthing , condescended to his proposals ; whereupon he gets them all to subscribe , and then brings the paper to me , which i exceedingly well liked of . according to the day appointed , he carried them the money , which every one received ●…oportionably , each man respectively giving me his general release from the beginning of the world : they to whom i had confest judgements , filled according to law their discharges . but when my creditors a little while afterward , saw me walk the streets in so splendid garb , some of them were ready to die with anguish ; but that which troubled them most , was my supercilious looks when i met any of them , and my slighting salutations . what i did in this respect was only to have the freedom of walking the streets , without the molestation of chargable arrests . i kept such deboistcompany , that the remaing part of my money grew low , and in a very short time after was all spent . all my drunken companions failed me , and i having nothing left me but my cloaths , necessity made me to condescend to the enquiry after the kind-natured gentlewoman my wife : her nearest relations could not give me any account of her , giving her over for lost . i wandred up and down , imploying all the powers of my wit and invention , in the search of what might conduce to supply my present necessities . while i was thus hammering out some new design on the anvil of experience , i bethought my self where probably i might find my wife : first , i went to ratcliff high-way , and made enquiry of dammaris , &c. the metrapolitan bawd of those parts , for a gentlewoman of such a complexion , stature , and age , ( 't was but a folly to mention her name , for those that follow that trade change their names as often as they do their places of abode ) but that cart-load of flesh could give me no information , neither was it possible for me to have staid to hear it , she so stunk of strong-waters , stronger then that cask that never contained any thing else : i went down all along to the cross , in my way i saw many whores standing at their doors , giving me invitation ; but being poor , they could not afford the charge of fucus , so that their faces lookt much like a piece of rumpled parchment , and by their continual traffick with seamens breeches , i could not come near them , they smelt so strongly of tarpawlin and stinking cod ; yet still no tidings of her i sought for . from hence i went to fleet-yard , but there they were so dawbed or plaistred with paint , & botcht with patches , that had i seen her there , it was impossible for me to have known her . away i went to luteners-lane , sodom , and dog and bitch-yard ; but the pox , it seemed , had not yet fitted her for those places . from hence i went to whetstons-park , where i saw my mad-dame standing at the door : her frequent trading , and those many shots she had received between wind and water in the service , had so altered her countenance , and disproportioned her body , that i knew not whether this frigate was english or flemish built : but at last , hailing whence she was , i boarded her , and made her lawful prize : mistake me not , i rummag'd not in her hold , fearing she was a fire-ship . the sight and knowledge of me , made her shed some babylonish tears , which i took little notice of , knowing them to be either customary to that sex , or the effects of a moist brain . in we went together , where we had , according to the custom of the house , pint-black-pots of small ale for two pence , and quarterns of strong-water half fill'd for six pence , with biskets ; which as soon as brought , every one broken , though not a bit afterwards eaten . we must be smoking too , though the pipe must be thrown down carelesly , and often broken as soon as put to the lips : one of the plyers being gone down to draw some more drink , she begged me to conceal my self for the present , and comply also with the cheating customs of the house , and she would willingly pay all . i had hardly smoakt two whiffs more , but that a fellow came where we were , swearing dam-me , why do you stay with this fellow , and leave me thus , you unconstant quean ? have i spent my estate on you , and must you now grow weary of me ? and with that drew his knife , making a proffer to cut her nose off . i was so amazed at what i heard , and so irritated by passion , that i knew not which of them to be revenged on first . sir , said i , i have been longer acquainted with her then you , and may justly claim a better title and more priviledge ; but as you have affronted me , so i shall require satisfaction instantly , nor referring our difference to be decided by the field , an umpire that cowards frequently make choice of : so drawing my knife also , and seizing on his nose , which i intended to have divore'd from his face , i was prevented , for it dropt off into my hand . this accident so astonisht me , and withal being much affrighted at the fight of his deaths-head , i durst not meddle with him any further , lest handling any member , it would have dropt off in the same manner : he made a blow at me , but instead of striking me , i expected when his fist would have flown from his body into my face : he kickt at me , but that leg being up , the other was incapable of supporting his body , and so he fell down . the old bawd hearing this disturbance , ran to us as fast as the vast bulk of her body would give her leave , whose pace was not much swifter then a snail in his full carreer , who having fasted too long , by the constant repercussion of the sun-beams on him in a misting morning , forrageth a garden for pillage . from the place whence she started , to that where we scuffled , was about six yards distance ; and from the time of her setting forward , to the time she came to us ( not to belye the woman ) was about half an hour , and then too , out of breath , for the haste she made . sirrah , sirrah , said she , come you hither to breed quarrels , and abuse civil gentlemen , and it may be build a sconce too ? get you out of my house , you rascal , or i 'll scald you out . by this time the pimp came to their assistance , and so they all conjoyned to shove this poor fellow out of doors : and notwithstanding he had for two or three years frequented the house , yet they neither pitied nor relieved him as a maimed souldier , the marks whereof were a sufficient testimony , besides the loss of a member or two . having discharged my reckoning , my wife appointed me a place where i should meet her . having now conveniency and privacy of discourse , we wav'd every thing that tended not to my present design , which was the contrivance of some way to live . at last we resolved to take an house and live together ; i thought it was as good to be pimp to my own wife , by which means the major part of the gain would be mine , as pimp to another for pence a day and spunging . what we had determined , we soon put in execution : what money she had was laid out in utensils belonging to our trade , as for bedding , linnen , chairs and stools , &c. the tally-man or broker , who sells his goods to be paid by d. a pound per week , the truth of it is , we found of him , but more especially his servants excellent customers ; for they would for a private favour , cut off a score , sometimes two or three from the tally . our stock being but small , my wife was forced to be both bawd and whore ; but our trade increasing , she goes frequently to the carriers , where at last she had pickt up a couple of very well-featured country-girls , and brings them home , entertaining them as servants ; but shewing as much kindness in them , as if they had been our nearest kindred , purposely to induce them to stay : the whore , my wife , intended to have sold their maiden-heads at a dear rate ; but in truth , i ever lov'd such things too well to put them to sale , having them in my possession . to be sure thereof , i gathered my rose-buds the first night , lest the infectious and contagious breath of some one suburbicarian should blast them : in four days time afterwards , i fitted them for their occupations , leaving the instructive part thereof to my wife to season them withal . i never saw two young jades understand their trade sooner in my life ; for in a months time they could cant indifferently , wheedle most cunningly , lye confoundedly , swear desperately , pick a pocket dexteriously , dissemble undiscernably , drink and smoak everlastingly , whore insatiately , and brazen out all their actions impudently . now did i begin to renew my acquaintance with the tribe of rogues , with whom i grew so intimate , that i was seldom out of their company , either at home or abroad . to relate all the tricks & rogueries we committed in one half year , were an half years work : therefore to be short , we were grown so notorious , and so generally taken notice of , that at last my wife , and her two maids of dishonour , were apprehended by the marshals men , and carried to bridewel ; i my self narrowly escaping by flight : the next day i boldly went to visit them ; methought their beating of hemp became them excellent well ; and in troth i 'll say this for them , there hath not been seen in that place a more serviceable strong-dockt crew for many years . looking very earnestly upon that hemp my wife was beating , a deep fit of melancholy seized me , proceeding only from my imagination ; for i fancied that very hemp would make that very rope which should put a period to my life . the time of my visiting them , fell out on the day of their correction ; understanding so much , i resolved to stay and see them well lasht , i hop'd : my wife being manacled , and the whip ready to encircle her waste ; hold , said i , and then directing my self to the masters of bridewel ; may it please your worships , this woman now under correction , is the most impudent brazen-fac'd whore in the whole town ; i have known her a long time , ever since , and some small time before she undid her husband , a very honest man indeed , and had the good report of all his neighbours ; but this confident slut could not then be content without her stallion , whom she maintained by what she purloin'd from her husband , and so utterly ruined him : since she hath been the destruction of several , some in their estates , others in their bodily health , and now so far from being penitent , that she glories in nothing more , then in the relation of how many she hath undone here and hereafter : wherefore i beseech your worships , for my friend's sake , that good honest man , and for the good of her own soul , add one half-dozen stripes to the number intended , and let them be laid home . i had no sooner ended my speech , but i vanisht immediately . just as i was out of the gate , i met with two of my roguing friends , whom the devil had sent , i think , to way-lay me : they were going , it seems , to see some of their doxies , that had that day been committed . being over-joy'd to meet me so accidentally , they would needs have me go to the tavern with them : over a glass of wine we consulted about divers matters , no goodness to be sure ; the result whereof was , that i should go to such an house , and try if by any means i could get into it unperceived , and abscond my self in order to my opening the door for them about twelve a clock . according to the time nominated i went , and with much facility conveyed my self into a lower room , wherein there was a bed , under which i crept , being confident i might lie there securely , till all the houshold were retired to take their rest . after i had lain about some two hours on the ground , there came into this room a servant ; i peept out , and by the light of his candle , saw that which i thought would have distracted me with fear ; it was the laying the cloth , by which i understood , the master of the house intended to sup there : suddenly after , meat was brought in and served to the table ; then came five or six persons , who passing divers complements ( all which needless ceremonies at that time , i wisht with their inventers were stark naked upon the top of the snowy alps ) every one took seats . had not there been at that time some small pratling children running up and down , and making a noise , the affright their appearance had put me in , would have betrayed me ; for my knees knockt so hard one against the other , that they made a noise like a mill-clack , or the striking of two marrow-bones together : for my life i could not prevent the palsie from seizing every limb of me . my cruel fates had so ordered it , that there was a small dog in the room , and a cat , both dearly beloved by their mistress ; who would be continually flinging down something other , which they continually quarrelled about , as jealous and envious upon the distribution of their mistress favours : at length she threw down a small bit ; the cat being somewhat a more nimble servitor , and diligent waiter than the dog , took it , & ran with it underneath the bed ; the dog ran after the cat snarling , endeavouring to affright her , that she might forsake the purchase : the dog approaching near , and too much intrenching upon her right , she puts him in minde of his duty , by one scratch with her claw , and chastiseth him for his rashness with two or three more : this so angred him , that he made a furious assault upon puss , who defended herself as well as she could ; but at length they closed and grappling each other , they made a most hideous noise . the spot in which they fought this combat , was underneath the bed upon my buttocks : the servant that attended being over hasty to quell the noise , by parting the fray , snatched up the fire-shovel , and throws it underneath the bed ; had it hit my nose with the edge , as it did my breech with the handle , i should have had it pared off even with my face . the cat instantly provides for her safety by flight , but the dog still remained behind grumbling , and now and then barking with such eagerness , that he became very offensive to the whole company . wherefore the servant was commanded to drag him forth , which he he did , beating him , and throwing him out of doors : in the mean time i was left in such a condition , as if i had been breathing my last . as soon as the door was open'd , the dog came in underneath the bed with more fury than before : this second alarm did my business ( or as they vulgarly say , made me do my business ) for running fiercely on me , he had bit me by the nose , but that i snatch't away my head from him : but not observing the bed-post behind , i thought i had dashed my brains out against it ; fear also having berest me of my retentive faculty , i did let flie at one and the same time , which made so strange a noise together , that they all rose from the table to see what was the matter : their noses quickly informed them of some part , for the room was presently strongly scented ; looking underneath the bed , they could see poor jain perus , giving up the ghost ( as dying persons usually evacute their ordure before their departure ) they pulling me forth , and quickly revived me , they roughly handled me , and then beat me , till i was ene dead again . being taken in the present offence , i could expect no other but to be subject to the rigour of their vengeance ; i could make no plea sufficient to stay their fury , or satisfie their revenge : having fetcht a constable , i was carried before a justice of peace , who with little examination caused my mittimus to be drawn , and so i was sent to newgate . i was no sooner within , and under lock and key , but fetters confined my legs from stragling , and bracelets were ciapt upon my arms . the rogues came all flocking about me for their garnish , which i gave them : some of the gentiler sort added more to it , so that we had a bundance of drink . but never did i hear so confused a din of dam-me and sink me : others singing so loud ( alias roating ) that i thought my self in hell , and that these were damned souls that roared through extreamity of torments . i thought none had been so wicked as my self , till i came among these hell-hounds . not a word came from any of their mouths , but what was seconded with an oath , cursing their bad stars , and blaspheming . the misery of this or any other prison is sufficiently represented , if by nothing else then want of liberty , that rich inheritance of living souls : as it is the greatest of injoyments , next that imperial gem of health , so the want thereof next to sickness must needs be of all other the most bitter . since then to be consined to the confines of the goal , is to be in part unman'd , entomb'd alive , what and how great is that wretchedness that is occasioned not only by a want of liberty , but by a continual dread of shamesul death ! the terror of this place full of torture is so exasperated by the imagination of a noble mind , that hell it self cannot contain more exquisite woes and pains , a continuance whereof were sufficient to punish all offences , if the law dispenced with that debt due to justice , the life of the offender . your companions are none but licentious wretches , souls which daily surround you with their loath some persons overspread with scabs and lice . here sighing is our air , our comfort coldness , our food despair , our musick ratling of chains , our recreation the destruction of vermin ; lastly , our expectation death and damnation . the keeper with the gri●… aspect of his stern countenance makes us tremble , with fear of a new martyrdom , whilst the insulting raskal on the tiptoes of his pride need not skrew his ill-favoured face to a frown , for he knows not how to look otherwise ; which so dejects the spirits of we poor imprisoned slaves , that the contrition of our looks seems to implore his smiles , whose flinty heart having renounced remorse , casts a desiance in our sad and pitiousfaces . i might insist much further , but that i am hastning to get out of the miserable and soul-excruciating prison . one day after i had exonerated nature , i chanced to view the seat , and found that it was no difficult matter to go down the vault by the help of a rope . a trusty friend coming to see me , i told him what i had observed , and what i wanted : some three days before the sessions , he brought me rope enough to have hanged us all . having a respect unto two more , which i honoured for their admirable good parts , i informed them of what i intended ; which presently we put in execution . first i went down , but i could have wished my self up again ; for i was up to the neck , and knew not but i might be deeper , but to my great comfort i found to the contrary : the rest descended after me , with the like good success . having gotten us to an house , in which we could put confidence , we quickly sreed our selves from our iron tackle . chap. lvi . he and his two comrades ( which he had delivered ) disguise themselves , and having been old experienced gamesters , they taught him all the tricks on cards , by which they usually cheated their cullies or mouths , and also how to nap , palm , or top a dye ; with all things thereunto belonging . we had places enough to send to for change of apparel , as rich as we pleased , or as beggerly again on the contrary , according as our design required . having layen in lavender about a fortnight in this house , not only to sweeten us , but that the rumour of our escape , and search for us might be over , we got our selves change of habits : then did we all consult with our looking-glasses for the change of our faces , not suffering our own judgements to pass , without the approbation of the rest . in the first place i got me a coal-black perriwig ( my own hair being flaxen ) and a small false beard suitable , with whiskers in the spanish fashion : it was no great trouble to black my eye-brows every morning ; then clapping a patch on my left eye , stealing out of the room , while my companions were busied about the same thing , not minding me , and coming in again presently , my appearance did put them all into a very strange confusion . i changed my voice , and asked them what they were doing ; and speaking to them in a tone they were not acquainted with , their chops mov'd incessantly , but the devil a word i could understand ; they had got a palsie in their jaws by their sudden surprizal : to have observed the several mankey-saces , and baboonpostures , could not but extract laughter from the severest cynick . why don't you answer me , and that quickly , ye sneaking dumb rascals ? looking most piteously one upon the other , expecting who should speak first , at last said one , we mean no harm , we are only preparing some things for a mask , which shortly will be presented to the citizens , and we are persons therein concerned . i could not hold longer , but burst forth into an excessive laughter , by which they understood their mistake , not without shame enough to think that the apprehension of danger so slightly grounded , should so terrifie them , being struck dumb , and almost dead with a pannick fear . to be brief , we very well liked the manner of our metamorphosis ; and having borrowed some money as the necessary tools of our intended trade , we adventured abroad . the first mouth we pickt up was in the long-walk by christ-church , upon the account of a wager : there came towards us a young man , who by his garb seemed to be a merchants man ( he afterwards proved so , and his casheer ) i stept to him , and said , sir , if it may not be too troublesome to you , i beseech you resolve me one question : this gentleman hath laid an angel with me , and referr'd the decision thereof to the next that came this way , whether this next adjacent hospital be s. thomas's , or s. bartholomew's . said the yong man , i can assure you it is s. bartholomews . why then friend ( said i ) you have lost . sir , will you be pleased ( if it may not be any great hindrance to your present affairs ) accompany us to the next tavern , and participate of the losings ? for i scorn to pocket it . he condescended , and so we went together : we discovered not any thing till the sixth pint , and then my friend , as by chance found a pair of cards in a corner of the window , which he himself had layed there before . here is a pair of cards ( said he ) come , to pass away the time , let us play for a pint or so ; so i really took up my friend , putt was the game ; i won of him two or three pints , and ever and anon i would drink to the stranger , so that now he began to be warm'd , and seemed to take delight in our play , looking over my hand , and sometimes prompting me to see him when he did put to me . at last my friend played the high game , as the term of art renders it ; that is , he gave me two trays and an ace , and reserved for himself two trays and a duce . my antagonist puts to me : i pretended i knew not what to do , shewed my game to the stranger that looked over my shoulder : he jogs me on the elbow ; i still delayed : come sir ( said my opponent ) what will you do ? i will hold you five pound on these very cards in my hand . i receiv'd the second jog : will you go my halfs sir , said i ? he answered me , that he would . but alass , we lost : it could be no otherwise . this so animated the stranger , that he perswaded me to play again , and that he would go the moyety of every stake . sometimes 't was so ordered that i won , but in fine , i lost forty pound , my cully being half . he would now give over , being much perplex'd that he should thus lose his masters money : but that he might forget the condition he was in , we drank round some half a dozen healths : so that now i thought it high time to provoke him again to let down his milk by some new trick or stratagem . now did we sall to the preaching of the parson , a trick on the cards , which hath deceived the most curious eye , and the wariest of men ; with which we gained from our young merchant , the major part of his money . lastly , to the intent we might without any further delays give him an acquittance for the rest of his money , we drew out some other implements , viz. dice fixt for our purpose , as highfullums , which seldom run any other chance then four , five , and six ; low-fullums , which run one , two , and three , &c. by these means we sent him home penniless and heartless , whilest we drank healths to the confusion of sorrow . chap. lvii . from hence he goes , by the direction of his comrades , to a new-fashion bawdy-house ; he describes it , and relates his own success . upon the division we found each mans share to amount to l. apiece . being overjoy'd at our first good success , we resolv'd to return thanks for our good fortunes in some private meeting-house , where we might have a sister to assist in the carrying on the work of the day . the devil in all societies never wants his factor , or one to sollicit his business : for , i had no sooner intimated my desires , but presently one of my rope-brokers gave me information of a place fit for that purpose , and that the like was not any where to be found . being prickt on with the desire of novelty , and to understand the curiosities therein , i went according to my directions solely ; for company in such designs commonly frustrates expectations . they advised me when i came to the door , to pretend i came to enquire out lodgings : at the first , i verily thought my self abused by these rogues , or mistaken in the house , when i saw a porter standing at the door with his tiptstaff : to undeceive my self , i confidently , yet civilly askt him , whether there were any lodgings to be let there ? yes sir , ( said he ) which you may view if you will give your self the trouble of walking in . i had no sooner entred the door , but i was met by a grave matron , who readily understood ( as i conceived ) my approach by her sentinels above in the windows . madam ( said i ) i am informed , that here are lodgings to be let . there is so , sir , ( said she ) and with that conducted me into her parlor ( which was gallantly furnished ) there to take a stricter view of me , as to my person , but more especially my garb , by which she might partly judge how well lined my pockets were . after the resolution of some trivial questions , for discourse sake , she was so well satisfied in me , that she shewed me the way up one pair of stairs , into a very large and fair dining-room hung with rich tapistry , and adorned round with excellent pictures , the effigies of divers ladies ( as i took them to be ) renowned and celebrated in all ages , for the fairest and most beautiful of that sex. a servant brought us up , immediately after our entry into that room , a bottle of sack , without any order given , as i could perceive ; out of which the old gentlewoman drank to me , expressing my welcome . for want of other discourse ( as i thought ) because we were both silent a while , for i was contemplating her face , in which i could then see still the goodly ruines of a beautiful and handsome countenance ; sir , said she , as you are a gentleman , you may have some knowledge in that noble art of limning , since for its excellency it is in these our days ( and hath been in most ages ) much studied by the gentry of this nation ; wherefore , your judgement , sir , which of all these pictures is the best drawn , or according to the rules of physiognomy , hath the best features ? madam , said i , i shall freely give you my judgement ; which is , this , in my opinion , ( pointing at one ) for she hath a full large front , her archt eye-brows are thick and black , without any stragling hairs ; her eyes are of the same colour , and by their intuitive faculty seem to penetrate that which they look on ; passing her cheeks , which carry in them an excellent air , and her nose , which is neither too long nor too short , view her lips , whose plumpness and redness resemble a double cherry ; and then for the dimples in her cheeks and chin , i could make them the subject of an whole days discourse : what might be said more of this representation i shall wave , wishing my self no greater happiness , then to discourse the rest with the real substance , which is not impossible , sir , if you can have but the faith to believe your own eyes ; and so instantly thereupon withdrew her self , leaving me amazed at what i had already seen , my heart the mean time beating an alarm to my passions , to be all in readiness at the approach of this celestial creature . hearing a rushing of silks , i drew my eyes off the picture , and looking towards the door , there i saw enter an angel ; for i could not believe there could be so much perfection in any one mortal : with profound reverence i stood at a distance , admiring , or rather adoring her person , till she smilingly and familiarly desired me to sit down . being come to my self , i could talk to her ; and in half an hour , confidence had repossest her ancient seat in me . it will not only take up too much time , but also offend the ears of the modest reader , here to insert what discourses we had ; therefore i wave them , and come to the conclusion . sir , said she , i question not but that you are acquainted with the customs of the house . i protested to her , i was altogether ignorant . why , you know that you may call for what wine you please , not exceeding four bottles ; and if you please to eat , you shall have some choice bit suitable to the season , &c. if you stay not all night , your expence shall be but forty shillings , and you shall have to boot , the enjoyment of a mistress besides : but if you stay all night , then thus must you do ( and with that drew forth ten pieces of gold ) whether you fancy me or any else , that matters not , you must deposit before you go to bed ten pound , laying it underneath your own head , and for every kiss , &c. take a piece back again , and if you draw in this manner all your own stake , you may next day be dismist with a great deal of applause , without expending a penny , but what you shall be pleased to distribute voluntarily among the servants . i was stark mad to be at it , and so impatient , that i presently told out ten pieces . telling my money the next morning , i found i had eight pound of my ten , but i deserved to have my money trebled : however , for the present , i thought forty shillings was never better spent , nor husbanded with so much recreation and delight . by her i understood what manner of cattel they were that frequented that house , though prostitutes and free-booters , yet such as scorned a piece of country-dirt : some whereof , were persons of no mean quality , which came thither to satisfie ( what was impossible to do ) their insatiate lusts , and therefore enacted that law or custom of depositing ten pieces , meerly to incite such who were confident of themselves to make trial of their skill for the lucre of gain ; and to the intent that it might not be discovered , either by their husbands , or such relations or friends that had received causes of jealousie , they had their peeping-holes , where they might plainly and fully see such who came upon the like accounts . if the gentleman was unknown to that gentlewoman whose picture he elected to bear him company that night , she with much freedom would appear , and tender her self as the subject of his pleasure ; otherwise abscond her self . if so , and the gentleman press hard for a sight of her the picture represented , why then madam bawd finds some excuse or other , as that picture she bought casually at second-hand as she past through long-lane , or that it was the gift of some friend of hers : with many other fictions , meerly to make him desist from the pursuance of his desires . being very much pleased in the satisfaction of my fancy , i took my leave , not without some acknowledgement thereof , in these consequent lines . what is a bawdy-house ? i fain would know : it is a thing appears so by the show . is that a brothel , or an house of state , where tip-staff porters do attend the gate ? this was a stately house , and yet was such ; in stately houses ladies take a touch . it must be so , th'have little else to do , then study how to answer those that woo . such pamper'd flesh must yield , and few gain-says their own lusts motions , but with formal nays ; rather then want that satisfaction , most stick not to purchase it , though at the cost of health and wealth ; delighting thus in sence , they never think too much the recompence . why should they then fond souls rail at an whore , since they themselves are on that very score ? and damn all brothels too to hell ; but stay what house is not a brothel-house , i pray ? many i 've seen , with this none can compare ; a new exchange , where ladies sell their ware to none ; they scorn thereon to set a price , but leave it solely to the chapinans choice : here by a female council 't was judg'd fit , he that reaps pleasure here , must pay for it ; not with his purse , so much as brawny back , solely affecting such who holds them tack : and to provoke men on , no want of wine ; nay , all delights do here in one combine to raise mens fancy , that he may do o're that thing he did but even then before . her rosie dimpled cheeks , vermilion lips , did blush to see her ivory thighs and hips : her round soft belly swell'd with pride , for lo ! like a small hill 't was overspread with snow : let but a warm hand touch it , and it will its moisture into pearly drops distil . we kist and parted , i sigh'd , she did sob ; she for her lusty lad , i for my mob . chap. lviii . he finds out his two comerades ( the gamesters ) and after some consultation had , they resolved to reassume their quondam trade of padding ; are taken and committed to newgate . from this house of pleasure , ( where i must ingeniously confess i never received more for so little expence ) i went in search of my two gamesters , whom casually i met : the next tavern was our council-chamber , where wine was the dictator . we there unanimously concluded , it was a thing beneath us to pick up here and there crowns or angels , but resolved on have at all , knowing that a five hours adventure might make us possessors of l. with this resolution we went and bought us horses , with all things requisite for our intended expedition : being all ready and well prepared , we took our leaves of london for a while ; we had not rid above fifteen miles , but we baited : the hostler knowing me , and what designs i had formerly been upon , and imagining i was steering the same course , whispered me in the ear , that he had a desire to speak with me instantly : taking my opportunity , under the pretence of looking to my horse , he informed me , that there were three within drinking , that on the next morning would travel such a road , and that they had a great charge with them . i thankt him , bidding him come to my chamber at night , where i would discourse farther with him . then he gave me a summary account of all ; and after a smart drinking-bout , with promises to him of reward if we prospered , we betook our selves to our rest : in the morning very early we called for our horses , and rid in that very road through which those three travellers were to pass , where we planted our selves very conveniently : about three hours after , we could discern them at a distance ; by that time we had made our selves ready , they were at hand : just at the bottom of a small hill we bid them stand ; they askt us to what intent : we told them , that we were younger brothers , and wanted mony , and therefore must borrow some of them . with that , they all in an instant drew their swords ; being not unprovided with pocket-pistols , we fired at them , and they again at us : we were all at level-coyl ; and very equally marcht ; the second shot killed my horse , and a fourth bereaved my consort of life ; the third rogue ran away : being in a labyrinth of perplexity , i thought it the best way to sel my life at as dear a rate as i could ( knowing very well , that if i were taken i should be hanged . ) i fought with my sword as long as i could stand upon my legs , wounding both them and their horses ; but at last one unhappily ran me through the sword-hand , and thereupon i was disarmed . i was carried by them before the next justice of peace , whom they enquired out , and by a mittimus was committed . i could not now expect any thing but death : but the next news i heard was , that i must be removed to newgate , there being other things to be alleadged to my charge . i was mounted again , in order to my removal , but very ill hors'd , being bound thereunto and pinnion'd . my greatest grief ( when i came into london-streets ) was to hear the various discants of the good women on me ; some saying , what a pity it is such an handsome young man should come to the gallows so soon ? others judged i had deserved it , otherwise i should not have rid to town in that posture pinnion'd , and so attended with a guard . as soon as the keeper saw me , leaping for joy , o sir , are you come again ? we will take care that you shall not be any more annoyed with smells proceeding from the vault ; and so without more ado , laid as much iron on me , as there is in some smiths shops , and confined me close prisoner to the dungeon . which made me curse those acts the fates have done , to cause a setting ere a rising sun : but since my doom is now decreed by fate , i must indur't , repentance is too late . chap. lix . he much condemns the follies of his past actions , and in token of his unseigned repentance , gives some general instructions to his country-men , first how to know padders on the road , by infallible signs ; with other remarques worthy the observation of any traveller , laid down in some consequent chapters . being in this terrestrial hell , ( where darkness , horror and despair surrounded me ) my conscience started out of her dead sleep , and presently demanded of me a severe account of what i had done . my guilt was such , i had not a word to speak for my self , but wished my production ( as my actions were ) in humane . what did not then the apprehension of an approaching and unavoidable death , suggest to my thoughts ! to have only dyed ( though with the most exquisice , terrifying , and soul-excruciating tortures ) was not a thing the spirit of man should shrink at ; but the consideration of an eternal punishment hereafter , justly inflicted on such who have offended an infinite god , absolutely distracted me : so that methoughts , i already heard the howls and hollow grones of damned souls , which add to the weight of their everlasting misery . having somewhat appeased my enraged conscience , by a faithful promise and constant resolution to lead a new life , if i should escape the danger of the law , i determined with my self , to shew the first fruits of my reformation , by publishing something to the world , that might serve as a guide for travellers , how they might pass in safety on their way . to that purpose i acquainted my keeper with my good intentions ; but that being no particular profit to him , he valued not the publick , and therefore rejected my good motion , till i greas'd his fist , and then i had the accommodation of a candle , pen , ink and paper , &c. the uncertainty of their attire , various diseases , non-constancy of residence , & changeable names , makes me incapable to do what i would : therefore i will do what i can ( according to my small experience , occasioned by my no long continuance among them . ) riding on the road ( if you have company ) it may be two or three shall overtake you , and seem to be much afraid of you : they will pretend to be even now set upon by half a dozen stout fellows , but that they did beat the rogues , forcing them to fly for safety : and this fiction they use to seal with basket-hiltoaths : thus by your answers they will finde whether you dare fight ; if not , they will wait an opportunity to act their roguery on you ; which having done , as a reward for what unwillingly you have left them , they will pretend to give you a word shall protect you better than your sword , from any injury shall be done you upon the like account : but this is nothing else than a meer cheat , and no securing charm ; for we valued not words , when our wants were in pursuit of monies . not but that we used some formal words among our selves , when ready to seize a prize ; and observing other company , either before or behind , to defist a while , by which we knew what we had to do , and the ignorant travellers suspected no wrong . chap. lx. what is to be taken heed unto , before the traveller begins his journey . most respected country-men , and more especially you , who frequently pass the road , the most part of my notorious wicked life having been consumed in all manner of cheats and debauchery , and that in part of late maintained by robbing : seeing now the wretchedness of that course of life , and being sensible of the injury i have done my country , i looked upon my self as bound to satisfie the debt i owe to you , to the uttermost of my power , which reacheth to an act not more satisfactory , than good advice how to avoid those dangers which too many of late days have fallen into , fince dammee plumes of feathers came in fashion . first then , if you carry a charge about you , make it not known to any , and conceal the time of your departure in your own breast ; for it is a custom no less common than indiscreet and foolish , among some sort of persons , to blaze abroad among their reputed friends , the time of their intended journey , and vaingloriously make them acquainted with what considerable sums they should carry with them ; by which means the son hath oftentimes betrayed the father , and one friend another , by informing or comploteing with some of the padding society ; the discoverer sharing ( for giving notice of the prize ) one quarter or more of the gain he betrays , when but for this foolish humour they had not been way-lay'd . again , have a special care , both of the hostler , chamberlain and host himself : the two first the thief is sure to bribe , and the last , in expectation of a share with them ( as it is so ordered ) or in hopes that the major part of what they get shall be prosusely spent in his house , gives them items where the booty lies . especially be sure on the road to associate with none but such as you finde inclined rather to leave your company then keep it ; for they are very suspicious persons , and oftentimes prove dangerous , that press into your society , and are very inquisitive to know whither you intend , spinning out the time with many impertinent questions . but if you would know whether the strangers intentions be honestly inclined , take occasion to make some stay ; observe you in the mean time their motion : for if they make an halt , or alight , so that you may overtake them , follow at a distance ; but if their pace be so slow that you needs must overtake them , look about you , and provide for your safety , for there is no surer symptom of an highway-man than such purposed delays . the other usual marks of such maths be these ; they commonly throw a great leaguer-cloak over their shouldiers , covering their face , or else they have visibly disguised their faces in some manner or other . now of late they finde very useful a vizard in every respect ( but for the largeness ) like the a-la-mode vizard-masks so much worn by gentlewomen , who endeavour to conceal the shame of their wanton actions by absconding their faces . if you meet with any who have none of these things , as soon as they come somewhat near you , fix your eye full in their face : if they turn their heads from you , keep your distance , and ride from them with what expedition you can ; but being surprized by any you know , be very careful that you discover it not to them ; for these desperado's never think themselves secure , till they have prevented your giving intelligence , by cutting asunder the thread of your life . observe whether their beards and hair of their head agree in a colour , and are not counterfeit : and be sure to beware of him that rides in a mountier-cap , and of such as whisper oft ; or of any one single person that intrudes into your company ; for that is one way they have to ensnare the traveller : he will tell you a great many merry and facetious stories , meerly to ingratitate himself with you ; which having obtained , he shews himself more than ordinary civil , and so fearful of any thing that may prejudice his new acquaintance , that he no sooner espies two riding toward them , but he apparently trembles , and will presently question his new friends , what charge they have about them : if little , the best way were to yeild to these approaching persons , if thieves , rather than hazard a life ; but if it be any thing considerable , he will presently vow to be true to them , and rather than they should come to any danger or loss , he will fight with them as long as he hath breath . these so causlesly suspected , were perhaps downright honest fellows : but before they have travelled five miles further , 't is ten to one but they overtake two or three more , one it may be riding aside with twists of hay instead of boots , it may be with a fork , bill , or goad in his hand , like a country-boor . it may be your newly-entertained treacherous friend will tell you that he will make good sport with this country-bumpkin , and so to that purpose ask him some foolish impertinent question , which the other shall answer as ridiculously ; so spinning out the time till a convenient place and a fit opportunity serve ; then shall this pretended friend seize one of you himself , and my hedge-creeper turn hector , and lay hold on another : and now will it be in vain for you to strive , for nothing but money will ransom you out of their hands . chap. lxi . instructions in what manner , at what time , and what road is most safe to ride . there are so many ways to rob the innocent , that it behoveth every man to be very circumspect , how , when , and where he rides . if you have a quantity of money about you , chuse rather to ride by night then day ; for by this means you are freed from any horseman or cutter whatever . but this course cannot seal your protection from base sheep-stealing penny-rogues , the baseness and lowness of whose spirits wil stoop for a noble , though they hang for their pains ; therefore take heed of their long poles , and that they do not suddenly start out and lay hold on your bridle . as for the nobler sort of rogues , this they believe as an undeniable maxime , that none will ride by night that are worth the robbing . besides , they are oblig'd to take their inn betimes , lest through mistrust they should be apprehended : moreover , they hardly dare adventure in the dark , because they cannot discern what dangerous defences the assailed have , as pistols , or other private weapons in readiness , nor see their own advantages : and withal , it will be no difficult matter to convey in the obscurity of the night , what they have undiscovered , into some ditch . chuse to travel in by-roads , for it is a general rule with high-way-men , to keep their station on the greatest roads , that of the number that pass by , they may select such as they think will prove the richest booties . here now as a corollary , take notice of a foolish custom : some when they ride by any place that commonly speaks danger , they will bustle up together side by side , which is the usual overthrow of such . wherefore take my counsel here , when ere you ride , in fear especially , ride sar asunder , at least a stones throw by so doing none durst set upon you , fearing lest this stragling order give some leave to escape undoubtedly , and so raise the country in their pursuit . chap. lxii . how a man is to behave himself if beset or surprised . when the rogue bids you stand , look not about as if amazed , or hoping for a rescue ; for this doth but encourage them to the height of resolution and expedition : but looking sternly , as if fear were a stranger to you , making your brow the throne of rage and fury , draw , and undauntedly tell them , that though you have but little , yet you would willingly sacrifice your life rather then lose a penny ; and add ten more to it ( if you had them ) then have your reputation stained with cowardise . this is the readiest and most certain way to save both your money and credit ; for they fighting with a guilty conscience within and without , against a country , law , and justice , if nobly a man resists ( this i know experimentally ) the stoutest , and most undaunted , and highest spirit of them all will stoop to discouragement . some i have known , that durst outbrave the roaring cannon to the mouth , yet their courages have found an alteration , when on this account they have met with a bold and nobly resolved antagonist : but if by your own negligence , and the malevolency of fortune , the pleasure of your journey is eclipsed and clouded by a sudden surprisal , and that you see no hopes but that you must yield , be not so unwise to strive when it is too late , but give them the best words you can , and rack your wits to please their ear , most devoutly wishing you had more moneys to supply their present occasions ; and so banishing all dejectedness from your looks , deliver some , and so perhaps they will let you pass without furcher search . if they make a second offer , yield freely to it : then it may be they will sift you soundly ; never in that time lay your hand near your money , and seeming fearless , it will be a means to make their suspition of a greater sum to vanish . this i have known my selfe , that when i have taken so much as pleased me well , by means fear i have had grounds to think they had more , and so made me research ; laying my hand but near the place where they had concealed the rest , suddenly would they cry out , that they were undone , when as yet i had found nothing ; but by this their foolish and undiscreet carriage i have found the remainder , which otherwise might have been secure and safe from me . chap. lxiii . directions , if robbed , how to follow the thieves ; which way to set hue and cry after them ; how to coast , and where to find them . if you are robbed , there is no help but to indeavour to surprize the thieves by a strict pursuit : therefore let no remora or delay deter you from obtaining your wish , and so seize them that so lately seized you . in the first place , scowre the next road , not streight before , but either on the right or left-hand ; for they know hue and cries never cross the passages , but go straight along . if in so doing you miss them , then conclude they are sheltred in some inn which you have past , and therefore you must set some careful spies , with a sufficient assistance near at hand , and be confident you will see them come that way , without the least apprehension of fear , or fear of apprehension . but this observe , that if they light of any considerable sum , then do they ride that night to their general rendezvous in london , which is too sure a shelter for them : but observably take notice , for here is as eminent an example of their subtilty , as any ever the devil enrich'd their knowledge with ; for , if you are robbed in the eastern quarter , pursue them not in the direct road to london with hue and cry , for by some other way they are fled ; but haste to the city , and in westminster , holborn , the strand and covent-garden search speedily , for there they are . if northward they light on you , then to southwark , the bankside , or lambeth they are gone ; and when you find any one , seize all with him , for they are all companions that are together . chap. lxiv . cordial advice , and infallible instructions for the inn-keeper , how to know thieves from his honest guests . methinks the many tragical examples of inn-keepers , who have harboured and countenanced thieves , were suflicient ( i should think ) to deter those that survive from doing the like ; wherefore my advice to them in general is , that their chiefest care be , not to wink at any such life-destroying actions for hope of gain , lest that sweet be imbittered by future trouble and disgrace . that you may know them , observe these rules : first , they are extraordinary curious about their horses ; they will have them as strangely drest , as strangely fed , with mashes , bread , flesh , and mingled provender , and that in an unusual quantitie . if any wonder at the extraordinary feeding of their horses , they will endeavour to palliate their design therein , by telling that their tricks and good abilities deserve it : nay , sometimes they will boast , that their worthy services will soon repay the cost ; using the like dark words to that effect , which are palpable grounds for suspition . it is their custom likewise , to ask , whose horse is that ? or , what is the owner thereof standing by ? of what function or qualitie ? whither he intends to travel ? how far , and when ? observe again , that their cloak-bags are for the most part empty , carrying them only but to make a shew . next , the chamberlain conducting them to their chamber , he is presently dismist ; but let him hearken , and if they are high-way men , 't is ten to one but they fall to share what they have purchased that day ; and he shall see every one taking his dividend , as well as hear the money , if he but narrowly pry into the chamber . this they never defer , lest he which hath the purse should cheat the rest . but above all , for their discovery , make this trial ; cause one to knock hastily at the gate , giving him instructions in the mean time that attends on them , to observe their carriage then , and he shall see them start and stare in each others face with gastly looks , being struck with fear and amazement : speak so that they may hear you , seemingly to some or other in the house , asking what officers those are ? what is their business ? or whom do they look for ? or the like . if they seem much srighted , bid them fear not , for none shall search where they are , to offer them any injurie ; and that they are as safe with him , as in a well-fortified castle . by this means you may pry into their private thoughts and actions so far , as that you may gather , not only substantial grounds for more then bare conjectures , but it may be they will confess something too , desiring your concealment and succour , and they shall think themselves for ever ingaged : after this you may use your own discretion . then again , you may perceive by their loitering and disiegard of time , what they expect ; for they only bait but to oberve what purchase they can see pass by ; which when they have espied , they will pretend immediate business calls them to be gone , and so mount in great haste . again , when they come to in inn to lodge , they commonly come in divided , or in several companies , frustrating the hue and cry by their number : besides , if one part be surprized , the other may escape ; and when the residue comes in , they seem as strangers one to the other , enquiring of mine host what their companions are , what countrie-men , whether he knows them ? and if they find he hath either jealousie or suspition of any of them , they will seign some business that necessitates their speedy departure : but if you take them for honest men , as they met by seeming chance in your kitchin ; so after some formal civil salurations , and drinking together , they soon become acquainted , and before they part , shew much familiaritie . thus , as i was faither endeavouring to lay open their devices and deceits , to repair what wrong my countrie had sustained by me , word was brought me , that i must immediately appear at the bar , and there answer what should be objected against me ; and it was but just that i should be now exposed to the law of justice , since i had so often rejected and slighted the law of mercie . chap. lxv . he received sentence of condemnation ; he thereupon seriously contemplates death , and considers eternity . appearing at the sessions , and seeing so many of my adversaries ready to give in their evidence against me , i concluded my self a lost man ; my very countenance betrayed both my thoughts of guilt and despair . in short , i received sentence of death to be hanged at tyburn by the neck till i was dead . i thought these sad tidings would have presently deprived me of my life , and so have saved the hangman a labour . all the way i went back to newgate , i fancied nothing but gibbets stood in my way , and that i saw no other trades but cord-winders . being entred the prison , i was forth with put into the dungeon , laden with shackles : i had not been many hours there , before a charitable physician of the soul , i mean a minister , came to visit me , who advised me , to repent , since it was high time ; and endeavouring to disburden my conscience , by extracting from me a general ingenious confession of what enormous crimes i had committed . finding this person to have no other design , but meerly for my souls sake , i dissected the actions of my whole life , not omitting any thing that might be accounted sinful , he was amazed to hear such notorious roguery in one man , and so young ; wherefore , before he applied any cordial , he administred his corrosives , and so thorowly searcht every corner of my heart , that there was nothing hid from him . in the first place , he made me sensible of the wickedness of my life , and that every , nay , the least evil action , deserved the loss of eternal and inexpressible happiness , and instead thereof , torments everlasting and intolerable . it will take up too much time , to give an account of every thing this pious man alleadged for my information , contrition , and consolation : so effectually and powerfully he delivered his divine message , that the obdurateness of my heart was able to hold out no longer , but melting into tears , was willing to have its flintiness broken by the hammer of sacred writ . finding me in so good a temper , he left me to god and my self , for the perfecting of that work he had so hopefully and successfully begun . i began to consider what i was , only a statue of dust kneaded with tears , and mov'd by the hid engines of restless passions ; a clod of earth , which the shortest fever can burn to ashes , and the least showre of rheums wash away to nothing ; and yet i made as great a noise in the world , as if both the globes ( those glorious twins ) had been unwombed from that formless chaos , by the midwifry of my wit : all my actions were attended with so much success , and so answerable to my desires , as if i had been one of heavens privy-counsellors ; which swelled me up with so much arrogance , that i spake thunder , lookt lightning , and breathed destruction ; and by the eloquence of my own vanity , i perswaded my self , that the machinatious of my brain were able to unhinge the poles : but it is otherwise decreed , that the ministers of justice should put a period to my boundless pride , to make me know i am but a man , and that mortal too . and having but a short time to live , i thought it very requisite to think of that which must shortly be the means to convey me either to bliss or woe ; by so doing , i seized on death before it seized on me . it was the fittest subject i could busie my soul about ; for what more heavenly , than the thought of immortality ? and what so necessary , as the thought of death ? seneca faith , when he was a young man , be studied to live well ; when aged , how to dye well : but i never practised artem bene vivendi , and therefore am so ignorant in arte bene moriendi ; which makes me so fearful , that i know not how to be careful of not being found unprepared . methinks i already hear that doleful saying , its imparats in paratum . my sole companions were now despair and fear , for the king of fear is death ; and indeed there is nothing absolutely fearful , but what tends to death ; and i am confident , the fear of death is worse than the pains of death : for , fear of death kills us often , whereas death it self can do it but once . life would not be troubled with too much care , nor death with too much fear , because fears betray , and cares disorder those succours which reason would afford to both : and though some say , he is more sorrowful than is necessary , that is sorrowful before there is necessity ; yet that soul cannot be in a good condition , so long as it fears to think of dying ; but did i not sorrow now , and jutly fear that messenger that must bring me before the tribunal of heaven , i should have too little time to wash away so many black spots , especially having nothing but objects of terror and amazement before my eyes ; but i never needed have feared what i should suffer when dead , if i had not deserved it whilst i lived . life is not alike to all men : to such a wicked wretch as i am , the best had been , that i never had been , and the next best were to live long ; in this condition , it was ill for me that i was born , worse for me that i must die : for without unfeigned repentance , this dying life will bring me to a living death ; whereas a good man is otherwise minded , he counts his end the best of his being , for that brings him to the fruition of his hope : could death end misery , it should be the greatest happiness i would wish : but my conscience will not let me lye , for fear the end of my present miseries will be but the beginning of worse ; yea , such as death it self cannot terminate . now came into my minde the consideration of eternity ; and with it , i remembred how it was represented by the ancients , which very much helpt my present contemplation ; which was thus : a vast den full of horror , round about which a serpent windes it self , and in the winding bites it self by the tail . at the right-hand of this den , stands a young man of a most beautiful and pleasant countenance , holding in his right-hand a bow and two arrows , and in his left an harp. in the entrance sits an old man opposite , and having his eyes very intent on his table-book , writes according to the dictations of the young man standing by . at the left-hand of this den , sits a grave matron gray-headed , and having her eyes always busied . at the mouth hereof , are four stairs ascending by degrees ; the first is of iron , the second of brass , the third of silver , and the last of gold : on these are little children sporting up and down , playing , fearless , and inapprehensive of falling . the sight of this emblem of eternity inculcated into my thoughts this interpretation : the den , which was bottomless , signified to me the incomprehensibility of eternity ; the circumferating serpent , time ; the young man , nature : on earth and hell are her arrows fastned ; but in heaven there is the harp , fulness of joy , and pleasures in expressible : the old man i lookt upon to be fate ; the grave matron , providence ; the stairs , distinct times and ages ; the children running up and down the stairs without fear of danger , do signifie foolish man and woman , who regardless of their salvation , sport and play with it so long , till they slipt into eternity . so have i been careless of that which should have been my greatest care , though i knew ( but would not know ) that the least and lightest touch of death were sufficient , in a moment , to translate me from time to etermity . were we all to live a thousand years ( whereas the executioner is to put a period to my life in one day longer ) we should before we had ran half our course , in our very non-age , apply our selves to repentance and newness of life . now , now is the time , every hour , every moment : now one part of an hour ( as i am informed , to my great comfort ) may obtain pardon here , which all eternity cannot hereafter . therefore , let this now be my time ( this one day i have left me ) to cancel my debts and trespasses against heaven , which i can never do in hell-fire , in all the years and times to come hereafter . let such who have liv'd ( as i ) in all manner of wickedness , consider what eternity is , which may make them return like the penitent prodigal . what then is eternity ? it is a circle running back into it self , whose center is every where , and circumference no where , that is to say , infinite : it is an orb that hath neither beginning nor ending : or it is a wheel , volvitur & volvetur in omne volubilis aevum . a wheel that turns , a wheel that turned ever : a wheel that turns , and will leave turning never . eternity is like a year , continually wheeling about , which returns again to the same point from whence it began , and still wheels about again . it is an ever-running fountain , whither the waters after many turnings flow back again , that they may always flow . it is a bottomless pit , whose revolutions are endless . it may be compared to a snake bowed back unto it self orbicularly , holding its tail in its mouth ; which in its end doth again begin , and never ceaseth to begin . what is eternity ? it is a duration always present ; it is one perpetual day , which is not divided into that which is past , and that which is to come : or , it is an age of ages , never expiring , and never changing : or , more properly , it is a beginning continuing , never ending , always beginning , in which the blessed always begin a blessed life , in which the damned always die , and after all death and struggling therewith , always begin again to die . as hell-torments are eternal , so will the conscience be perpetually tormented with deep and horrid despair for the life past : their worm shall not die . the poets of old alluded to this place notably , in that fiction or fable of tytius , whom virgil feigneth , that a flying vulture every day gnaws and tears his liver , which is every night again repaired and made up , that every day the vulture may have more matter to prey upon . what is this vulture , but the worm i speak of ? and what is his liver , but the conscience always gnawn and tormented ? not only this ( as he that preacht my funeral-sermon told me ) but all the torments of the damned shall never have end , because there can be no place for satisfaction : for although these inexpressible torments shall continue many millions of years ; yet shall there not one hour , no , not one minute of respite be granted : let us then be no longer forgetful of our selves , and so degenerate into beasts , but seriously to consider our end , and what shall come after . all men are in the way of eternity , but i am now almost at my journeys end : i sit on the stairs of eternity , expecting when one small thrust shall plunge me into the bottomless pit , where one hours punishment shall be more grievous , ( as thomas à kempis saith ) then years here in the bitterest of torments : there they are tortured for infinite millions of ages , & are so far from finding an end , as never to be able to hope for any end . the consideration of these things brought me to that pass , as i was content to suffer any thing in this life , so that i might not suffer in the life to come . though a king , i should willingly and patiently have endured what andronicus did , emperour of the east ; who ( as history relates ) being overcome and taken prisoner by isaac angelo , had immediately two great chains of iron put about his neck ; and being laden with fetters , was brought before isaac , who delivered him over to the rage of the multitude , to be abused at their pleasure . this rabble being incenst and stimulated on by revenge , some buffeted him , some bastinado'd him , others pulled him by the beard , twitching the hair from his head , dashing out his teeth , dragging him in publick through the streets : the insolence of women was such , as to fall upon him , leaving the marks of their nails in his imperial face . after all this , they cut off his right-hand : thus maimed and bruised , he was thrown into the dungeon of thieves and robbers , without either attendance , or the least thing necessary to sustain life : some few days being past , they put out one of his eyes : thus mangled , they put him upon an old rotten short coat , shav'd his head , set him upon a seabbed camel , with his face towards the tail , put on his head a crown of garlick , made him hold in his hand the camels tail instead of a septer , and so they carried him through the market-place very leisurely , with great pomp & triumph . here did the most impudent crew , and base among the people , like tygers , after an inhumane manner fall upon him , not considering in the least , that not three days before he was no less then an emperour , crowned with a royal diadem , whose frowns were inevitable death , was honoured , yea , adored of all men . their rage and madness fitted every one with instruments to execute their revenge : some struck him on the head with sticks , others fill'd his nostrils with dirt , others squeezed spunges upon his face soaked in humane and beastial excrements : some threw stones , others dirt at him . an impudent woman as he past , came running out with scalding water in her hand , and poured it on his head . all these indignities which they exercised upon this poor emperor , did not satisfie their insatiate revenge , but bringing him to the theatre , took him down from the camel , and hung him up by the heels : yet did he behave himself like a man , by bearing patiently what was inflicted upon him , being never heard to cry out against the cruelty of his fate . all that he was heard to say , was this , which he often repeated , domine miserere , domine miserere . thus hanging up , one would have thought their malice should have ceased ; but they spared him not as long as he lived ; for pulling his coat from his body , they tore him with their nails . one more cruel than the rest , ran his sword through his bowels as he was hanging : two others , to try whose sword was sharpest , cut him and gasht him in several places ; and so ended his life miserably , but was not suffered to be buried . oh , that my condition were as andronicus , to suffer all that man can lay upon me , that i might not perish for ever : i would be content to be miserable for so short a time , that i may not be miserable to all eternity . questioness he could never have suffered such things so constantly and couragiously , but that he had eternity in his thoughts ; and were our mindes imployed about the same subject , any adversity or affliction we should more easily bear . ftom the time of my condemnation till munday morning i slept not , neither did i eat or drink : then did i hear my passing-bell ( having heard the day before my funeral-sermon ) every stroke methought carried my soul one degree higher , being confident i had made my peace above . whilst i was in the depth of meditation , and my soul breathing out this short ejaculation . is there no hope now of relief , in this extremity ? mercy e're now hath sov'd a thief , and may do as much for me . behold , a friend came to me ( that never visited me during my imprisonment ) but now in the time of need brought me a reprieve : when i lookt thereon at first , i could not believe my own eyes ; i thought i dreamt , or that grief had so distracted me , as that limagined things that are nor . my friend at length cleer'd up my doubts ; but i shall tell you this for a truth , i knew not whether i were best accept of this self-preserving courtesie : for , methought i had so well settled my eternal concerns , as that i had nothing else to do but die . about a fortnight after , i was sent aboard , in order to my transportation ; my sentence of death being converted into a seven years banishment . chap. lxvi . being on board , he descants on his ensuing misery ; yet draws comfort to himself from the sufferings of others . he relateth how he was freed from his intended banishment by a double shipwrack ; the manner thereof he amply declareth . the ship that was to transport me lay at wollidge : about the latter end of august . i was conveyed aboard a lusty ship , a virginia-merchant-man , and was instantly claptunder hatches ; but i knew they would quickly call me alost , if there was any fighting work ; as such a thing might easily be , since the sea was no where free from such as would make a prize of what vessels were too weak to contend with them . having pen , ink , and paper about me , i busied my thoughts and pen in contriving consolation for my disquieted and disconsolate mind , thus : why should not i with patience suffer ? some have kist what brought them to their martyrdom . many a saint hath suffer'd on a cross ; and our good king endur'd three kingdoms loss . shall i ( fool ) then at any cross take grief ? tyburri's the way to heaven for many a thief . but must i now to sea ? well , 't is no matter ; fortune now frowns , though heretofore did flatter . let not my soul despond , since 't is my hap , i 'll scorn that whore , and trust to thetis lap : though she may foam with anger , and the wind may aggravate her passion , i mayfind her calm again , and set me on that shore , where i may moar , and put to sea no more . neptune may shake his trident , and each wave , or tumbling billow may become my grave . a thundring canon may pronounce my death , or a small shot bereave me o●… my breath : all which may throng together in full crowds , to make m' a winding-sheet of tatter'd shrowds . the winds shall sing my requiem , and my knell shall be a peal of ordnance , that shall tell my angry fates i 'm dead and the sea must intomb without the form of dust to dust . but i hope better things and do believe , my good events will make the furies grieve . about the beginning of september following , we set sail for the downs . as soon as we had weighed anchor , a thick melancholly cloud encompassed my thoughts ; and so much sadness seized my spirits , as if i had been not so much taking my leave of my dearly beloved country , as leaving the world . though my soul could not foresee the least danger , nor be troubled at the apprehension of what slavery i was to undergo in my exilment ; yet certainly i found this strange anguish and propassion to be ominous , proceeding from somthing divine , which is able to unriddle the apocrypha of nature , and made my soul sensible of some approaching mischief . having been about five days ar sea , one morning , just as the sun began to gild our hemisphere with his golden rays , the boatswain made us al turn out , & commanded al hands upon deck : coming alost , i could not see a man in whose face there was not written the pale characters of fear and amazement ; which were the infallible marks of some sudden and ensuing danger . upon my first coming on board , i could discern a great many rednos'd fellows ( a drunkards truest indicium ) but the apprehension of present danger had now extinguisht all those flaming torches of their faces , without the help of water : the faces indeed of the stourest amongst us , were so altered by this affrightment , that we knew not almost one another ; losing our natural complexions , through the extremity of passion . one was at his prayers , that never till then knew what a prayer was ; another shedding of briny tears , to make room for more salt waters : for my own part , i found my self not much moved , having lately made my self acquainted with death . by this time i understood what had past ; that is , our ship had sprung a leak , and was ready to sink . seeing every man in that posture , and that there required means , as well as prayers for our preservation ; come ( said i , gentlemen ) let us not thus cry out , and never lend our assisting hand ; let us to the pump , and let every one be imployed in this grand concern . whereupon we all unanimously fell to work : but as it is usual in such extreams , we were all busie about doing of nothing ; what we began we left imperfect , and fell to another , and so perfected nothing to our safety . some were sent down into the hold , who quickly returned to us with the symptoms of death in their countenances ; for they all with hesitations and quivering of tongue , with words abruptly or half spoken , signified to us , that our ships wound was incurable , that the leak could not be stopt , but that we must inevitably perish within some minutes . these words i received as from a deaths-head , which i never heard speak before ; and truly his very looks would have sufficiently declared what message he was about to deliver , viz. ruine and immediate destruction . our inexpressible fears bereaved us of the power of counselling one another ; neither did we know what was best to be done . our master commanded our long-boat to cast out , and withall , ordered some eight guns to be fir'd , which methought resembled so many toles of my passing-bell , when i was design'd to pass by sr. sepulchres church in a cart , guarded by fellows whose visages were the true resemblance of the saracens-head on snow-hill , for terror , horror , and merciless proceeding ; as to all which , these canibals will out-vie that inhumane and bloody nation . every man indeavoured to shift for himself , and i among the rest ( being loath to be drowned alone ) leapt short of the boat , and fell into the sea in charontis cymba ; but necessity then forcing me to use treble diligence to recover my self , with much difficulty i got into the boat : i was no sooner there , but another leapt down upon me , and had like to have beaten the rest of my breath out of my body : which i took kindly enough ; for i would have been content to have born them all on my back , ●…ay , boat and all , so that i might have escaped with life . we were constrained to leave many of our friends behind us , and committed our selves to the sea , driving us we knew not whither . now were all our hopes dashed , as well as our selves , by the waves ; for were almost in despair of humane help : for we were left in the wide ocean , which did not at that time wear a smooth brow , but contending with the wind , swell'd into prodigious mountains , which every moment threatned our overwhelming . how could we expect safety in an open shaloup , when so stately a castle of wood , which we but now lost , could not defend it self , nor preserve us from the insolency of the imperious waves ? we were many leagues from any shore , having neither compass to guide us , nor provision to sustain us , being as well starv'd with cold as hunger . several bags of money we had with us ; but what good could that do us , where there is no exchange ? we could neither eat nor drink it ; neither would it keep us warm , nor purchase our deliverance . therefore we may justly esteem of money in its own nature , as an impotent creature , a very cripple , inutile pondus , an useless burden . i could not now imagine any thing could preserve us , less then a miracle : and as we were all sinful creatures , especially my self , we could not expect that nature should go out of her ordinary way to save us . the waves indeed carried us up to heaven , jam jam tacturos sidera summa putes . neptune sure at this time was very gamesome , for he play'd at tennis with us poor mortals , makeing a wave his racket to bandie us up and down like balls : sometimes we seem'd so proud and lofty , being raised so high , as if we had been about to scale heaven ; which the incensed deity perceiving seemed again to throw us down headlong to hell , for too much ambition and presumption : yet i could not see , but that the extremity of our condition pleaded for us , crying aloud for pity and compassion . i now was silent , committing my self into the hands of providence ; yet verily believing , that the inversion of the old proverb appertained to me , that being not born to be hang'd , i should be drown'd . commonly we are not so much mov'd with a clamorous and importunate beggar , who hunts after our alms with open mouth , and makes hue and cry after our charity ( as if we had rob'd him who begs of us ) as with the silence of impotent and diseased lazaro's : their sores speak loudest to our affections : quot vulnera , tot ora ; each wound is a gaping mouth strenuously imploring mercy ; the sight whereof , cannot but melt the most obdurate spectator into a charitable compassion . this was our case , our misery was louder than our prayers , and our deplorable condition , certainly was more prevalent then our imperfect devotions . in this moment of death , when we were without the least expectation of any deliverance the wind chopt about , and drove back one ship that had over-run us : this was unquestionably digitus dei. this ship made towards us , and we what in us lay , towards it : the wind blew hard , and the insulting sea , that will not admit of pity , rose high upon us : so that we were forced to lave the water out of the boat with our hats . it was my chance to sit on the weather side ; fain would i have exchanged my place , but such complements are useless in a storm ; so that i was constrained to endure patiently the indignation of my raging enemy . but now began an other dispair ; for with all our endeavours we could not reach the ship , nor she us , although she hung on the lee to retard her course . thus our pregnant hopes brought forth nothing but wind and water ( for the ship rode on furiously before the wind , and we came after in pursuit of her , as slowly as if an hedghog had been running with a race-horse ; ) so that we which before flattered our selves with an assurance of safety , were as much confounded with a certainty of perishing . in my opinion it is better to have no hopes at all , than be disappointed in them : doubtless it did redouble the punishment of tantalus , to touch what he could not taste . that mariner , who seeing a fatal necessity for it , is contented to die in a tempest , would be exceedingly troubled to perish in a haven , in portu perire . in this very condition were we , having a ship near us , but could not board her for stress of weather ; so that ruine attended us , though all the while we lookt safety in the face . now did it grow dark , whereby we could not see which way to row : though this was an evil in its own nature , yet accidentally it became our benefit : for not seeing our danger , we understood it not ; but redoubling our strength , we brake through the waves , and by the assistance of a light , which was in the ship , we directed our course truly ; and now did we find we were very neer her . as soon as we toucht her on the lee-side , the sea-men , with the rest in the boat , being more dexterous in the art of climbing than my self , never regarding their exil'd prisoner , ( whom they ought to have taken charge of ) got all up into the ship in a moment , leaving me alone in the boat . by good hap they threw me out a rope , which once had like to have de prived me of my life , but was now the preserver : which i held fast , to keep the boat from staving off . our boat was half full of water , and the waves dasht it so violently against the ship-side , that every such stroke struck me down , so that i had like to have been drowned ( and did much fear it ) in that epitome of the sea. it would have vexed a man in my condition , to escape by swimming over a large river , and coming ashore , to be drowned in a wash-bowl . at last with much difficulty i got aboard too . the master , merchants , &c. having sav'd their lives ( even miraculously ) one would have thought they should not have been so pensive as they were for the loss of their goods . those which lost much , took it very heavily ; those which lost less , their affliction was greater , having lost all : i was the most glad , joy riding in triumph in my chearful countenance , having lost nothing , neither could i anything , but my life . having escapt so miraculously , it was unchristian-like to murmur at any loss ; and as ridiculous , as if a man being restored to life , should complain that his winding-sheet had sustained some damage by lying in the grave . the ship wherein we were , was bound for the canaries , the winde blowing very fair for that coast . the second night after our deliverance , about ten a clock , having set our watch , we laid our selves down to rest , with the thoughts of much safety and security , but it was otherwise decreed ; for about one a clock we were forced to use all hands aloft , a most terrible storm beginning to arise , and the wind blew so furiously , that before morning we lost out bow-sprit and mizon : we durst not bear the least sayl , but let the ship drive whither the winde and waves pleased ; and before the next night , we could not indure our remaining masts standing , but were necessitated to cut them by the board . thus we were tumbled up and down for four dayes , and as many nights , contending with the waves in a pitcht-battel , not knowing where we were , till our ship struck so violently against a rock , that the horrid noise thereof would have even made a dead man startle ; to which , add the hideous cries of the sea-men , bearing a part with the whistling windes & roaring sea ; all which together , seemed to me to be the truest representation of the day of judgement . the ship stuck fast so long between two rocks , as that we had time enough , all of us , to leap out ; the only means left us for our safety . we all got upon a rock , and the morning-star having drawn the curtain of the night , we found that we were a very little distance from the shore ; getting thereon , and ranging to and fro , we at last espied a small house , the sight whereof made us direct our foot-steps thither , steering our course solely by the compass of our eyes : being come to the house , the master thereof stood at the door ; we addrest our selves to him in english , but his replications were in spanish , which we understood not : wherefore i spake to him in latine , in which language he answered me , tam compte , tam prompte , both quaintly and readily . in that tongue i made a shift to tell him the sad illiades of our misfortunes . this noble spaniard understood it better by our looks , than my relations ; which made such a deep impression in his soul , that his gravity could not forbear the shedding of some few tears , so that one would have thought he suffered shipwrack as well as we . he desired us to come into his house , & refresh our selves : what little meat he had , stew'd in a horse-load of herbs , with some pottage onely seasoned by a piece of bacon , that had serv'd for that purpose at least a dozen times , he ordered to be set before us ; being no wayes sparing of his wine , better than any i ever yet could taste in taverns ; this good man being not acquainted with dashings , dulcifyings , &c. seeing us eat so heartily , he caused another dish to be provided , which was composed of such variety of creatures , that i thought he had served us in as a mess , the first chapter of genesis : this olla-podridra was so 〈◊〉 , that the distinction of each creature was sauc'd 〈◊〉 our knowledge . having satisfied our hungry 〈◊〉 machs , he dismist all excepting my self , desiring me to accept of what kindness he could do me , for he confest he took much pleasure in my society and discourse . i was very well contented to entertain his proffer : in some few dayes he told me he was to go to sea , being captain of a vessel that lay in perimbane , a small ea-faring town near the place of our shipwrack ; and asking me whether i would go with him to the indies ( whither he was bound , ) i readily consented , and in some few dayes after we did sail from thence , to perfect our intended voyage . chap. lxvii . from perimbana , a small maritine town on the spanish coast , he sets sail with captain ferdinando ●…lasquez bound to the east-indies ; but by the way 〈◊〉 with three turkish galleys , and by them is taken , miserably abused , and imprisoned . an hour before day we left the port , and failed along the coast before the winde ; about noon we discerned three vessels , whereupon we gave them chase : in less than two hours we got up to them , and then we could easily perceive that they were turkish galleys ; whereof we were no sooner assured , but we betook our selves to flight , making to land with all speed possible , to avoid the danger that inevitably threatned us . the turks understanding our design , presently hoisted up all their sails , and having the wind favourable , bore up to us so close , and getting within a small faulcon-shot of us , they discharged their ordnance on us , wherewith they killed eight of our men , and wounded as many more ; and so battered our ship beside , that we were forc'd to throw a great quantity of our lading over-board . the turks in the mean while lost no time , but grappled us ; we on the other side , who were able to fight , knowing that on our valour & undaunted courage depended our lives , or loss of liberty , with perpetual slavery , resolved to fight it out . with this determination we boarded their admiral , doing very eminent exccution ; but being over-powred with numbers , we were so overprest and wearied , that we desisted from making any further resistance : for , of men we had at first , we only had remaining ten , whereof two died the next day , whom the turks caused to be cut in pieces or quarters , which they hung at the end of their main-yard for a sign of victory . being taken , we were carried by them to a town called mocaa , and received by the governor and inhabitants , who expected and waited the coming of these pirates . in the company was likewise one of the chiefest sacerdotal dignity ; and because he had been a little before in pilgrimage at the temple of their propher mabomet in meca , he was honoured and esteemed by all the people as a very holy man. this mahometan impostor rid in a triumphant chariot up & down the town , covered all over with silk tapistry , and with a deal of ceremonious fopperies , bestowed on the people his benediction as he passed along , exhorting them to return hearty thanks to their great prophet for this victory obtained over us . the inhabitants hearing that we were christians taken captives , flockt about us ; and being exceedingly transported with choler , fell to beating of us in that cruel manner , that i thought it a vain thing to hope to escape alive our of their hands ; and all this , because we owned the names of christians . when i was in england , i justly was senteneed to die for my villany , and now here only for the bare profession of christianity , i must not be suffered to live . this wicked caecis ( as they called him ) instigated them on to those outrages they committed ; who made them believe , that the worse they dealt with us , the more favour and mercy they should receive from mahomet hereafter . we were chained all together , and in that manner were we led in triumph ; and as we past along , we had our heads washt with womens rose-water , thrown down upon us from balconies , with other filth , in derision and contempt of the name of christian ; wherein every one strived to be most forward , being instigated thereunto by their priest. my sufferings then , put me in mind of my former wishes , to be as unfortunate andronicus , miserably afflicted here , that i might escape eternal torments hereafter : i received in part the effect of my quondam wishes , no ways acceptable to my present desires . having tyred themselves in tormenting us till the evening , bound as we were , they clapt us into the dungeon , where we remained dayes exposed to all kind of misery , having no other provision allowed us , than a little oat-meal or rice and water , which was distributed to us every morning , what should serve us for that whole day : for variety sake , we had sometimes a small quantity of pease soak'd in water . chap. lxviii . he is brought forth into the market-place , and there put to sale ; he is bought by a jew ( a miserable avaricious man ) and by a stratagem he delivers himself from that master , is sold to a graecian , in heart a christian : the ship being taken , and his master drowned , he escaping to shore by swimming , is at his own liberty . in the morning the goaler repairing to us , found two of our miserable companions dead , by reason of their wounds , which were many , and not lookt into . this made him haste to the guazil or judge , to acquaint him of what had hapned ; who upon information given , came to the prison in person , attended with officers and other people : where having caused their irons to be struk off , he ordered their bodies to be dragged thorow the town , and so cast in the sea. we that remained were chained altogether , and so led out of prison unto the common place of sale , to be sold to him that should give most . by reason of my strength ( which those that lookt on me might argue , from the streightness and firmness of my limbs , being elevated by the pole above a common or middle stature ) i was first bought by one , whom at the first sight , i could not well tell whether he was man or devil ; for his complexion was of the same colour as the devil is usually rendred : to say all in short , he was a jew . he carried me home to his house , where i no sooner arrived , but he markt me for his own : my employment was constantly to turn a hand-mill ; if i rested at any time , though ever so little , the punishment he inflicted on me was , three or four blows on either the belly or souls of my feet ; which were doubled or trebled according as he judged of my offence : my diet was such as only served to keep me alive . in general he used me so cruelly , that becoming desperate , i once thought it better resolutely to cut the thread of my life , than spin it our longer in so much wretchedness & misery . revenge too induc'd me to the undertaking of this attempt , as knowing him to be the most covetous wretch living , and therefore would even hang himself when he should lose what he payed for me : but reconsidering my self , i made choice of a better expedient , which was to pretend ( what i intended not ) to kill my self , i made choice of such a time , when i was sure some one or other was set to watch me ; who perceiving that i was about to destroy my self , rusht in and prevented me , and went forthwith to inform my master of what he had seen ; advising him withall to sell me out of hand , otherwise he would infallibly be a loser by me . my master taking notice of my countenance and behaviour , resolved to put his friends counsel in practise , and so sold me to another , who fortunately proved a greek , that in shew was a mahometan , but cordially a christian , once more was i delivered from miseries that are hardly to be endured , and was imbarqued with my new master in a ship bound for the east-indies . in the course that we held , we sail'd with so prosperous a gale , that in a very short time we arrived in view of the fort of diu ; but seeing several vessels lying before that fort , firing against it in an hostile manner we shaped our course to goa , where we arrived in safety . from hence we sayled unto the river lugor : just as we were entring its mouth , we saw a great junk coming upon us , which perceiving us to be few in number , and our vessel but small , fell close with our prow on the larboard-side , and then those that were in her , threw in to us great cramp-irons fastned unto two long chains , wherewith they grappled us fast unto them ; which they had no sooner done , but incontinently some seventy or eighty mahometans started outfrom under the hatches , that till then had lain lurking there ; and pouring out their small-shot upon us , clapt us aboard in an instant . those that knew what it was to be a slave to the merciless turks , leapt into the sea , whereof i was one : we were not far from land , so that it was not long before i got safe to shore ; it was my masters misfortune ( and truly i think my unhappiness , for he behaved himself to me as to one of his familiar friends ) being wounded , & ignorant in swimming , to be entomb'd in the deep . there were some five or six more that escapt the danger of their enemies and the sea , that wading up to the waste in mud , landed in safety ; with these i hid my self in the next adjacent wood. there was hardly one of us but received some hurt ; and being now divested of all hope of help , we could not forbear to unman our selves by weeping , complaining against our hard destiny , that should in so short a time bring us into so sad a disaster . in this desolation we spent the remaining tragical part of the day ; but considering with our selves , that the place was moorish , and full of venemous creatures , we betook our selves to the owze , standing therein up to the middle . the next morning , by break of day , we went along by the river-side , until we came to a little channel , which we durst not pass ( not knowing its depth ) for fear of lizards , plenty whereof we had sight of therein : we wandred so long to avoid this and the bogs covered with rushes , which environed us about , till that we were forced to rest our selves , being so weary and so hungry , that we could not go one step farther . in the morning awaking , four of our company lay dead , so that there was only one remaining to bear me company : i now thought my condition worse than if i had hung at tyburn , surrounded with a full jury of fellow-sufferers : my companion and i , with tears , sang the obsequies of our dead friends , expecting hourly our own dissolution : their bodies we covered with a little earth , as well as we could ; for we were then so feeble , that we could hardly stir , nay , nor speak . in this place we rested our selves , intending to bear our friends company to their eternal rest . some four hours after this our resolution , about sun-set , we espied a barque rowing up the river : coming near us we hailed her , and prostrating our selves on the ground , beseeched those that were in her to receive us on board . amazed to see us in that posture on our bended knees , and hands lifted up to heaven , they stopt : our cries for succour reacht their eares , which obtained commiseration from their hearts ; so taking us in , they carried us with them to lugor , where about noon next day we landed . the people are fearful black like the devil , whom they superstitiously worship , in the form of a bloody dragon : they have many idols amongst them which they hold in great esteem , as a ram-goat , a bat , an owl , a snake , or dog , to whom they ceremoniously bow or kneel , groveling upon the earth , and throwing dust on their faces ; they offer rice , roots , herbs , and the like , which is devoured by the witches ; these devillish creatures being both feared and esteemed by the savages . the female sex , against the appearing of the new-moon , assemble upon a mountain , where turning up their bare bums , they contemptuously defie the queen of heaven , who hath this despight shewn her , because they suppose her the causer of their monthly-courses . they are much given to novelties , amongst which dogs are of very great value with them : insomuch , that whilst i was there , i saw six slaves exchanged for one europaean cur. they abound with the choicest of natures blessings , as health , strength , and wealth , but are very inhumane and uncivil ; for they delight much to feed on mans flesh , eating it with more satisfaction than any other food . upon my first arrival , i did not rightly understand their meaning by feeling my flesh , but when i was informed , that like butchers , they felt my flank to know how fat i was , they never toucht me afterwards with their fingers , but i fancied my self either boiled or roasted , and that their hands , my bearers , were conveying me to the open sepulchres of their months , to be entombed in the gutrumbling monument of their bellies : whereas other anthropophagi content their appetites with the flesh of their enemies , these cover most their friends , whom they imbowel with much greediness , saying , they can no way better express a true affection , than to incorporate their dearest friends and relations into themselves , as in love before , now in body , uniting two in one ( in my opinion ) a bloody sophistry . it is a very truth , of which i was an eye-witness , they have shambles of men and womens flesh , joynted and cut into several pieces fit for dressing . it is usual for some , either weary of life , or so sick , they have no hopes of recovery , to proffer themselves to these inhumane butchers , who returning them thanks , dissect or cut them out into small parcels , and so are sodden and eaten . it is a custom among them , when they would add to their beauties ( deformity ) to slash their faces in several places . they adore those two glorious planets , the sun and moon , believing they livein matrimony . they are much addicted to rapine and theevery , and they chuse to commit any villany rather by day than night , because they suppose thereby the moon and stars will never give testimony against them . their heads are long , and their hair curled , seeming rather wool than hair : their ears are very long , being extended by ponderous bawbles they hang there , stretching the holes to a great capacity . both men and women hideously slash their flesh in sundry forms ; their brows , noses , cheeks , arms , breasts , back , belly , thighs and legs , are pinkt , and cut in more admirable ( than amiable ) manner . they contemn apparel , and indeed , the heat of the climate will not permit them to wear any ; very few have nothing on to cover their secrets . most have but one stone , the other is forced away in their infancy , that venus may not too much allure them from martial exploits : wherefore the women take great delight in strangers . one of them so strongly besieged my modesty , that more for fear than love , i yielded to her incontinency : i was displeased at nothing but the fight of her ; for her flesh , no velvet could be softer . there are in this place great quantity of lions , which in dark weather use great subtility to catch and eat some savages : they again in the day-time dig pits , and covering them with boughs , do train the couragious lions thither , where they receive destruction , eating them to day , who perhaps were sepulchres to their friends or parents the day before . i have seen these well-bred people descend in a morning from the mountains , adorned ▪ with the raw guts of lions or other wilde beasts , serving for an hour or two for chains or neck-laces , and afterwards for their breakfast ; of which good chear , if i would not participate , i might fast for them : so that my squeamish stomack was forc'd to give entertainment to that unwelcome guest , to keep starving out of doors . the ship that brought us hither , was now ready to set sail , being bound for goa , the master whereof was a portugal , who understood latine and french very well , of which i was not ignorant : i addrest my self to him in the french tongue , desiring him to accept of mine and my comerades service ; which he condescended to with much willingness . at goa we stayed not long , but from thence passing towards surrat , a vehement and unexpected storm overtook us , for three dayes raging incessantly , so that those which were acquainted with those parts , very much feared an hero-cane , a tempest commonly of thirty dayes continuance , and of such sury , that ships , trees , and houses perish unavoidably in it : once in nine years , it seems , it fails not to visit them . it chanc'd , that my comerade being heedless and unexperienc'd in sea-affairs , was washt off by a wave into the sea , and so was buried in the large and deep grave of the vast ocean ; a sure treasury for the resurrection . the foulness of the weather fore'd a junk-man of war , full of desperate malabars , a bloody and warlike people , in view of us ; but the seas were too losty for them to board us . after three watches , the sea changed colour , and was calmer ; and by the swimming of many snakes about our vessel , the sea-men knew we were not far from shore , landing shortly after safely at surrat . chap. lxix . from hence be sct sail to swalley-road , and so from thence coasted till be arrived at delyn a town that belongs to the malabars : be gives an account of what be there saw and observed . some two hours after we set fail , we were becalmed , having not the least breeze of winde , the weather withall being exceeding hot and sultry : at length we arrived in swalley-road , where was riding an english vessel ; there we east anchor , the english men came aboard of us , whom our captain welcomed with the best of his entertainment . i could not forbear embracing my dear country-men , shewing them so many demonstrations of joy , that by their looks , they seemed to question whether i was in my right wits . their masters-mate calling me aside , askt me , how i came to be ingaged in this vessel ? how long since i came from england ? with many other questions too redious here to relate . to all which i gave him such satisfactory answers , that he seemed very well pleased . i gave him a summary relation of what i had suffer'd , since my departure from my own country ; the report whereof , seemed to extract much pity from him . in fine , i told him , i had a great desire to see england again , and to that end desired him to make use of what interest he could , to remove me into their ship : he promised he would ; and accordingly giving a present to our captain , he so far prevailed upon him to let me go , and perswaded the chief of whom he was concerned withal , to entertain me , which they did with much willingness . i was so like a sea-man in this short time , that none could distinguish me from one that received his first rocking in a ship. i carried about me as deep an hoguo of tarpawlin as the best of them , and there was no term of art belonging to any part of the ship or tackling , but what i understood . i could drink water that stunk ( as if stercus humanum had been steept two or three days in it ) as well as any of them , and eat beef and pork ( that stirred as if it had received a second life , and was crawling out of the platter to seek out the rest of his members ) i say , i could devour it with as much greediness ( scorning that my appetite should be ever again taxed with any of those epithetes , either nice or squea mish ) as if it had been but nine hours , instead of nine months , in salt . and to make me the more compleat , i had forgot to wash either hands or face , or what the use of a comb or shirt was , neither did i know how to undress my self ; or if wet to the skin , to make use of any other means than my natural heat to dry my self : i never lookt on a hat or band , but as prodigies . but to return to my purpose , where i left off . in three days time we set sail for swalley-road , steering our course from them all along the coast of india , decan , and malabar . i knew not whither they intended , neither did i care now , as thinking my self safe , being amongst my friends : on the of april , seven days from our weighing auchor in swalley-road , we came to an anchor at delyn , a town of the malabars : we durst not land , the people being so treacherous and bloody ; yet we suffered them to come aboard us in their small canoo●… , selling us for any trisles , coco-nuts , jacks , green-pepper , indian-pease , hens , eggs , and the like . they brought us likewise oranges of so pleasant a taste , the rinde vying with the juice , which shall become most grateful to the palate : we had likewise from them plantanes , a fruit supposed by some , to be that which eve was tempted withal ; if a man gathers them green , yet will they ripen afterwards , coloured with a dainty yellow : the rinde or skin will peel off with much facility ; they melt in the mouth , giving a most delicious taste and relish . these malabars are coal-black , well limb'd , their hair long and curled ; about their heads they only tye a small piece of linnen , but about their bodies nothing but a little cloth which covers their secrets . not withstanding their cruelty & inhumanity , we man'd out our long-boat , and , whercof i was one , went ashore , carrying some muskets and swords with us , suspecting the worst : landing , they fled from us , but not without sending good store of po●…soned arrows & darts amongst us . it is no wonder that these people are so black , for they live under the scorching fire of the torrid zone . we returned to our ship , finding it no way safe to stay here longer ; next morning hoising sail , we came to canavar , where we met with people more civil , whereupon we landed ; and receiving things from the inhabitants of considerable value , for toys and trifles we gave them in lieu , we resolved to stay here a while . the better sort of these people are call'd nairo's , whose heads are cover'd with a low tulipant , & their middles with a party-coloured plad , resembling a scotch plad : the poorer sort have nothing but a small vail over their privities , wholly naked elsewhere ; which vail or flap the women in courtesie will turn aside , and shew a man their pudenda , by way of gratitude for any courtesie received , as if they would render satisfaction with that , which could never receive plenary satisfaction it self . they have a strange custom in their marriages , observed among them by the highest to the lowest : who so marrieth , is not to have the first nights imbraces with his bride , but is very well contented to bestow her maiden-head on the bramini , or priest , who do not alwayes enjoy it , being glutted with such frequent offerings , and therefore will many times sell them to strangers . such a proffer i had once made me , and with shame i must confess , i did accept it , forgetting those sacred vows i made in newgate , to live a more pious , strict and sober life . the bride that night , was plac'd in one of their fanes , as its customary , the priest or bramin coming to her ; but instead thereof , according to agreement between this priestly paynim and my self , i went : i wondred to find her so low of stature , but i did not much matter it then , minding something else ; which having performed , i departed . the next morning i had a great desire to see her , but was amazed to see her so young , believing it impossible ( though i knew the contrary ) a child ( for i may so call her , being but seven years of age ) could be capable of mans reception at that tender age . afterwards , i was informed , it was usual for them to marry so soon ; first , being extreamly salacious and leacherous , and as fit , nay , as prone to enjoy man at that age , as europaeans at fourteen . next , they extreamly honour wedlock , insomuch , that if any of their children die whilst very young , they will hire some maiden to be married to him , and so lie with him the night after his decease . so soon as we arrived ( which is a custom they use to all strangers , of what country soever ) we had presented us choice of many virgins ; our boat-swain chusing one he fancied for a small price , she guided him to a lodging , where if he would have stayed so long , she would have performed his domestick affairs , as well at board as bed , discharging her duty very punctually : but he that undertakes any such thing , must be very wary that he be not venereally familiar with any other woman , lest that she with whom he hath contracted himself for such a time , doth recompence his inconstancy with mortal poyson . at his departure , her wages must be paid to her parents , who returns then with much joy , and they receive her with as much credit and oftentation . the chiefest among them hold it a very great courtesie , if any one will save them the labour , pain and trouble , by accepting the hymeneal rites of hi●… bride . i should have told the reader , that the bramins are so much respected and esteemed by the commonalty , that if any of them gets their wives or daughters with child , they believe that off-spring to be much holier than their own , being extracted from pagan piety . their funerals they celebrate after this manner : bringing the dead corpse near to their fanes or churches , they consume it to ashes , by fire made of sweet smelling wood , unto which they add costly perfumes in aromatick gums and spices : if the wife only ( for here they will not hear of polygamy ) cast not her self into the flames voluntarily , they look upon her to be some common prostitute , having not any thing commendable in her natural disposition ; but if she freely commits her self to the flames , with her husbands carcase , she from that noble act ( for so it is esteemed of among these infidels ) derives to her memory , reputation and glory amongst her surviving friends and kindred . they are deluded on to this resolution by their bramins , who perswade them by so doing , they shall enjoy variety of perpetual pleasures , in a place that is never disturbed by alteration of weather , wherein night is banisht , there being a continual spring ; neither is there wanting any thing that shall ravish each individual sense . this was at first a stratagem invented by some long-headed politician , to divert them from murdering their husbands ( which they were frequently guilty of , by reason of their extream leachery and insatiate venery ) so by that means they were reduc'd to that good order , as that they tendered the preservation of their husbands healths and lives equally with their own . for my part , i could wish the like custom enjoyn'd on all married english females ( for the love i bear to my own country ) which i am confident would prevent the destruction of thousands of well-meaning christians , which receive a full stop in the full career of their lives , either by corrupting their bodies by venemous medicaments administred by some preteded doctors hand ( it may be her stallion ) unto which he is easily perswaded , by the good opinion he hath of his wifes great care and affection for him : or else his body is poysoned by sucking or drawing in the contagious fumes which proceed from her contaminated body , occasion'd by using pluralities for her venereal satisfaction , & so dies of the new consumption . or lastly , by pettish and pe●…ulant behaviour , she wearieth him of his life , and at last is willing to die , that he may be freed , not only from the clamorous noise of her tongue , but that the derision of his neighbours , and scandal that she hath brought upon him , may not reach his ears . that all such might be mindful of their duty , i would have ( were it at my disposing ) these two lines fixt as a motto to their doors . a couchant cuckold , and a rampant wife , a cop'latives disjunctive all their life . chap. lxx . from delyn he sailed to zeyloon ; with what he there observed . the isle of zeyloon is very famous , and not far distant from the point of india , called cape comrein ; it abounds with all sorts of odoriferous and aromatical spices ; the people are pagans , not owning a deity : some though have heard of christ , and others of mahomet , but such are rarely to be found . they go naked , not compelled thereunto by want or poverty , but meer heat of the sun. they are greaet idolaters , worshipping things in monstrous shapes . on the top of a high mountain , they have set conspicuously the idaea of an horrible caco-daemon , unto which pilgrims from remote parts do resort ; and upon this account , a king of zeyloon coming , once derided this idol : another time , intending to make a second repetition of his former derifion , the king was even frighted out of his wits ; for not onely he , but his attendants all saw how this daemon threatned him for so doing , by shaking a flaming cymeter , and rowling his fiery eyes , from his mouth gaping , issued out fiery flames ; whereat this king returns with as much penitence as amazemenr , resolving by his due respect and worship for the time to come , to make an atonement for his former errors . for my part , had i not believed there was a devil , the sight of this horrid monstrous representation would have induc'd me into the belief that this was one really . they have in another place a chappel , in which they adore the devil ( whom they call deumo ) the height whereof is about three yards , and uncovered : the wooden entrance is engraven with hellish shapes ; within , their beloved devil or deumo , is enthronized on a brazen mount : from his head issue four great horns , his eyes of an indifferent proportionable bigness , having somewhat a larger circumserence than two sawcers ; his nose flat ; a mouth like a porteullice , beautified with fours tusks , like elephants teeth ; his hands like claws , and his feet not unlike a monkeys : beside him stand lesser deumo's attending on this grand pagod , some whereof are represented or pictured devouring souls . every morning the priest washeth them , nor departing till he hath craved their malediction ; and when he takes his leave , he is very careful of offending the devil by shewing his posteriors , and therefore goes from him retragrade , stedfastly fixing his eyes on the idol . 't is strange that a rational soul should be so much infatuated , as to adore such a monstrous and ridiculous thing . the people in way of mutual love and amity , use to exchange their wives ; a thing , though much hated by the jealous spaniard , yet would be very acceptable to other europaeans , or else to be rid of them altogether , who are the daily murderers of their content and quiet . polygamy , or plurality of wives , is here permitted ; and as the men are granted the liberty to have more than one wise , so are the women allowed more than one husband . however , the woman hath the disposal lest her of her children , giving them to him she hath the greatest affection for ; which he receives , not questioning his interest or right ( by generation ) unto the infant . elsewhere the fates decreed a cuckol'ds lot , to keep that child another man begot ; and by his joy therein he plainly shows , he thanks the man that pay'd those debts he owes : but these she-blacks in justice thought it fit , that he which got the child , likewise keep it : therefore both love and custom made it so , on the true father they the child bestow : by which good law unto each man 't is known , that he doth keep no other child but 's own . were this observ'd in england , i durst swear , some what-d'ye-lacks would heirs to lords appear ; and half of what some own , must be conferr'd on such who have a fathers name deserv'd . these blacks do tax our women , for they paint the devil white , and make him seem a saint ; to let them know , they are far greater evils ; for fairest females oft are foulest devils . we stayed not long here , but having dispatcht what we came for , we sailed along the coast of choromandel , and landed at meliapor . the people are much after the same complexion of those of delyn , only a little more duskie , and go in a manner naked too . here are like wise great store of bramins , who are very busie and industrious to instruct these poor ignorant souls in the perfect way to damnation ; sor which they have the honour and estimation of all conferred upon them . we man'd out our long-boat and went ashore ; upon our landing , it was our hap to be eye-witnesses of one of their funerals , which was performed after this manner . the husband was carried before the combustible pile ; his most dearly loving wise closely following after him , attended by her parents and children ; musick ( such as they have , which i cannot compare to that of the spheres ) playing before , behind , and on each side of her . she was drest both neatly & sumptuously , to the height of the rudeness of their art ; her head , neck , and arms ( not omiting her nose , legs , and toes ) each bedeckt and charged with bracelets of silver , with jewels every where about her distributed : she carried flowers in her hands , which she disposed of to those she met . the priest going backwards before her , shewed her a magical glass , which represented to her sight whatever might be pleasing to her sensual appetite . the bramin all along inculcating to her thoughts , the sense-ravishing and affable joys she shall possess after her decease ; at which this poor deluded soul smiled , and seemed to be much transported . we followed them till they came to the fire , which was made of sweet odoriferous wood . as soon as her dead husband was committed to the flames , she voluntarily leapt in after him , incorporating her self with the fire , and his ashes : we wondred that the standers-by would permit her thus to destroy her self , imagining this rash action proceeded from the ardency of her affection ; but perceiving her friends to throw in after her , jewels and many precious things , with much exultation and expressions of joy , we concluded this to be the effects of custom . such as resuse to burn in this manner , are immediately shaven , and are hourly in danger to be murdered by their own issue or kindred , looking upon them as strumpets : and indeed many of them are so audaciously impudent , that upon the least distaste , or not having their luxurious expectations answered , nothing more intended or indeavoured than the lives of their husbands . they are in these parts so extreamly idolatrous , and so over-swayed by the devil , that they adore a great idol made of copper gilded , whose statue is carried up and down , mounred on a glorious charriot , with eight very large wheels overlayed with gold ; the afcent or steps to the charriot are very large & capacious , on which sit the priests , attended by little young girles , who for devotion sake , proftirute themselves freely to the heat of any libidinous spectator ; for so doing , they are intitled the pagodes children : a very strange zeal in their bewitched or besotted parents , to destinate the off-spring of their bodies , from their non-age , to such an abominable liberty ; for by letting them know the use of man so soon , it cannot but be very prejudicial to their bodies , but also invest them with the thoughts of perpetual whoring : for , that woman that shall admit of more than one to her private imbraces , will admit of any upon the like account . nay , such is their blind zealand superstition , that as the chariot passoth , some will voluntarily throw themselves under the wheels , who are crusht in pieces by the weight of the idol and its attendants , suffering death without the benefit of a happy ( but to them unhappy ) martyrdom . chap. lxxi . from zeyloon , he arrived at syam ; and what there he saw and observed . syam is a kingdom contiguous to pegu , a part of the east-indies : and , as the people are included within the burning zone , therefore far from being fair ; yet are tall of stature , very strong and valiant , and generally so strait , that few are found among them crooked . formerly they were much given to sodomy : to prevent which , 't was wisely ordered , ( though strangely ) that the males as soon as born , should have a bell ofgold ( and in it a dry'd adders tongue ) put through the prepuce and flesh . when then desire of copulation stimulates any of them , he presents himself to some expert midwives ; who advise him to drink opium , or some such somniferous potion ; which having done in their presence , he falls asleep ; during which interval , they remove the ball , and apply to the orifice from whence it was taken , an unguent , which affords a speedy cure : then is he free to make use of such as his fancy leads him to . the young girles are served in a worse manner ; and it it as great a rarity , to find a pure virgin here at ten years old , as to finde a maid at sixteen , in most places of franc , or its neighbouring countreys . and that these young fry may be capable of that employment they are destinated unto , they have potions given them to drink . the women here ( still the more to allure the men from that detestable and unnatural act of sedomy ) go naked ; ( as little a novelty in these parts , as for irish and scotch to wash their cloaths with their feet , their coats , smock and all tuckt up about their middles , though twenty men stand by as ( deriding spectators ) i say , they go naked to their middles , where the better sort are covered with a fine transparent taffata or dainty lawn , which by a cunning device is so made to open , that as they pass along , the least air discovers all , to all mens immodest views . their priests , which they call tallapoi , are seeming very zealously superstitious : they fomewhat incline to mahometanism ; for they pretend they will not drink wine , being forbidden it by their law , yet are abominable hypocrites : for , though they wear a sheep-skin with the wool thereon , not suffering any hair to be on their bodies , and in shew lead a chaste life , yet i found the contrary ; as you shall understand by what past between one of them and my self . i being on shore with our ships crew , i chanc'd to walk abroad , carrying with me a bottle of spanish-wine : as i entred into a wood , intending not to adventure too far , there came to me one of these tallapoi or priests , in the habit aforesaid , with a horn about his neck , resembling a sowgelder's but much less ; with which , i was told , they , with the sound thereof , used to convene the people to hear them preach . this holy infidel espying me , blest himself , ( as i guest by his gesture ) & approaching near me , i imagined that he prayed for me , by the elevation of his and eyes hands : as a requital , i proffered him some of my wine ; and having tasted thereof , lik'd it so well , that by signs , i understood he desired his hornfull of me : to tell you the truth , i lik'd it so well my self , that i had no desire to part with one drop more of it ; but his importunities so far prevailed , that i granted his request ; which having obtained , he made no more ado but drank it off , making but one gulp thereof ; a thing contrary to the strictness of his profession . after this , he seemed to bless me , and so departed . it was but a little while , before he again presented himself to my view ; and beckoning to me , i followed him : coming close up to him , he pointed with his finger to a place , where covertly i espy'd three maidens ( as i supposed ) to whom he by signs perswaded me to go . sitting down amongst them , they entertained me with as much civility as they were endued withall , and courted me after their amorous fashion . one of these was the handsomest that i have seen in those parts ; though not to be compared , for form of face , with the homeliest kitchin-stuff-wench in london . i dallied with her so long , till that lust conquer'd my fancy ; attempting something , and being in a fair way to it , this satyr-goat-devil , ( i can't invent a name bad enough to call him by ) presently falls down upon us ; and taking me thus unawares , lying on my belly , i was not able to help my self , that he had like to have performed his business ; and questionless had effected it , but that the two maidens standing by ( no ways ashamed at this most shameful sight ) assisted me , pulling him off . i presently started up , and seized him ; and tripping up his heels , i laid him on his back : having so done , i bound him ; then taking out my knife , i could not find in my heart to spare him one inch ; and that he might not have any witnesses left of what was done , i took away his testicles too . the three young girles fled , fearing my rage and revenge might have extended to them : and fearing my self , that they would give information of what i had done , i fled too to my ships-comerades ; and giving them account of what had happened , we all judg'd it the safest way to go aboard ; and so we did , with all expedition possible . chap. lxxii . from hence he sails to do-cerne , so called by the portugals ; who adam - like , give ( or , as i may say , take too much liberty ) in imposing names on all new places , and things . by the hollanders , it is called mauritius . it s general description . do-cerne or mauritius , is an isle situate within the torrid zone , close by the tropick of capricorn ; but it is very uncertain unto what part of the world it belongs , participating both of america , and bending towards the asiatick seas , from india to java . this isle aboundeth with what the use of man shall require . the landing looking out at sea , is mountainous : the circuit of this island is about an hundred miles ; it procreates an healthy and nourishing air ; the great quantity of ever-flourishing & fragrant trees , doth no less lenisie the burning heat , when the sun enters into capricorn , as helped by the sweet mollifying breath of the north-west winde , when sol again adheres to cancer . now as the temperature of that body is best composed , that participates indifferently of all the elements , which either super-abounding or wanting , begets defect ; what then is the temperature of this place , which is blest with , & abounds in all , & aborrive in none ? water is here very plentiful , drilling it self from the high rocks & trickling down into the valleys , spreads it self into various meanders , till those sweet and pleasant waters disembogue themselves into the lap of the salt ocean . there is so great a quantity of wood , that we could hardly procure passage . but of those many various trees , we found none so beneficial to us , as the palmeto : this tree is long , streight , and very soft , having neither leaves , boughs , nor branches , save at the top , whereon there is a soft pith , wherein consists the sole vegetative of that tree ; which cut out , the palmeto in a very short time expires . it s taste is much like a kernel of an hazel-nut ; boiled , it is like cabbage . but the chiefest commodity that this tree produceth , is the wine which issueth from it , pleasant , and as nourishing as muskadine or alligant . thus we procured some thereof ; coming where two or three grew together , with an augure we bored some small holes in eoch , which immediately the liquor filled ; then with a small cane or quill we suckt the wine out of one tree ; then we went to another , and from that to the third : by that time we had drained the last , the holes in the two former were full again . this course we followed so smartly , that in less than an hour , three of us were so drunk ( whereof i was none of the soberest ) that had not these trees been near the shore , for ought i know , by the morning we might have feasted the wilde beasts . divers other trees there be , strong both in shape and nature ; one whereof ( meerly out of curiosity ) i must needs taste , which for half an hour so bit or stung my tongue , as if i had had my mouth full of vitriol , or spirit of salt. it is a comely tree to look on , but brings forth not any thing that is good : this tree is in a manner naked too , and the body thereof as soft and penetrable , as new cheese : the form of the tree , its uselesness , with that hidden sting it carries in it , together with its softness ; the lust of which , invites me to cut these lines therein ; which my knife as easily performed , as to write a mans name with a stick on the sand . the lines were these : th' art like a woman , but thou want'st her breath ; who 's fair , but fruitless , and will sting to death if tasted : would i could blast thee with my curse , since woman thou art like , for nothing's worse . there is another tree , which beareth a cod full of sharp prickles , wherein lies hid a round fruit , in form of a doves-egg ; crack it , and therein contain'd you shall finde a kernel , pleasant in taste , but poysonous in its operation . my sweet tooth lon'gd for a taste , and being very toothsome i did eat several ; but it was not long ere my guts were all in an uproar , and were resolved in this mutiny , could they have found way , to charge my mouth with high treason , against the rest of my members ; but they were at last content only to discharge their fury through the postern of their microcosm ; which they did so furiously , that i was much afraid , my guts having spent all their shot , they would have marcht out after . i had ( in plain english ) in less than six hours sixty stools , besides purging upwards ; and had not we had a very skilful dr. chryrurgeon of our ship , i had unavoidably perisht . nature in this island shew'd her prodigality of water and wood , corresponding also in every thing else a fruitful mother labours to be excellent in . here she seems to boast , not only in the variety of feather'd creatures , but in the rareness of that variety , which should i run over but briefly , the subject is so large , that by some i cannot but be thought too tedious . however , i shall lightly touch thereon . here , and here only is generated the dodo ; for rareness of shape contending with the arabian phoenix ; her body is round and very fat , the least whereof , commonly weighs above twenty pound : they please the sight more than the appetite , for their flesh is of no nourishment , and very offensive to the stomach . by her visage ( darting forth melancholy ) she seems to be sensible of that injury nature hath done her , in framing so great a body , and yet useless , but to please the eye ; committing its guidance to complemental wings ( for so i 'm forc'd to call them ) since they are so small and impotent , that they only serve to prove her an off-spring of the winged tribe . here are bats also , as large as gashawks . there is likewise great plenty of fish : among the rest of most especial note , is the cow-fish ; the head thereof not unlike an elephants , her eyes are small , her body at full growth about three yards long , and one broad , her fins exceeding little , her flesh ( being an amphibious creature , living as well at land , sometimes , as in the sea ) doth taste much like veal . some say that this fish doth affect , and takes much delight in the sight of a mans visage . about this island are flying fish , dolphins , and sharks . one of our men imprudently swimming one day , the weather being very hot , in our sight a shark came and bit off his leg , and part of his thigh , and he thereupon sunk ; we made out to save him , but before we came , he was drowned . here are tortoises so great , that they will creep with two mens burdens on their backs ; but their pace is so slow , that they would make but ill porters , going not above ten yards in two hours , when they make their greatest speed . the birds here are so unaccustomed to frights , that i have shot five or six times amongst a flock , letting the dead still lie , and not one of the surviving did so much as offer to flie . the goats here have more of the politician in them ; for they seldom seed or rest themselves , but they set out their sentinels . chap. lxxiii . hence he sailed for bantham ; by the way he recounts the danger he had like to have sustained , by ascending a burning mountain . weighing anchor , we steer'd our course for bantam ; but being much straitned by the way , for want of fresh water , we were compell'd to make up to the first land we descry'd . though the darkness of the night blinded our eyes from such discoveries , yet flames of fire not far distant from us , gave us perfect intelligence that land was not far off . that night we cast anchor , fearing we might run foul of some rock or shelf : in the morning we saw a large track of land before us , not knowing what place it should be . our captain commanded the long-boat to be man'd out , to procure water , if any good were there : amongst the rest , i went for one ; for i was very greedy to observe novelties . coming on shore , and seeing this hill now and than belch out flames , by my perswasions i made my fellows forget for a time their duty or errand they came about , to make some inquisition into this miracle of nature . whereupon we all resolved unanimously to ascend the hill , and with much difficulty we came so nigh the top , that we heard a most hideous noise proceeding from the concave thereof : so terrible it was , that we now began to condemn our rash attempt , and stood at a convenient distance , judging it the only medium of our safety . whilst we were thus in a delirium , not knowing what was the best to be done ; the mountain was instantly possest with an ague-fit , & afterwards vomiting up smoak & stones into the air ( which afterwards fell down in a shower upon our heads ) we thought we could not escape without a miracle : and whilst we were all striving which way , with greatest expedition , we might eschew the danger , there rose in the midst of us such an heap of earth , ashes , and fire , with such kinde of combustible matter , as that we all seem'd as so many moveable burning beacons , & without any thoughts of helping each other , every one endeavoured to secure himself . and although i was the last in the company , yet in this expedition it was much available to me ; for my companions making more haste than good speed , tumbling down the hill before me , fell several of them together ; which blocks lying in my way , obstructed my passage , & so sav'd the breaking of my neck , which otherwise would have been inevitable . in this prodigious conflict , most of us lost the hair of our heads , nor without receiving several batteries upon the out-works of our bodies . at first sight we were much afraid ; but the consequence made it appear , we were not more afraid than hurt . we made a shift to crawl down the rest of the way ; and having fixt our unadvised feet on the bottom of the mountain , we resolv'd we would never again pay so dearly for our curiosity , but sorthwith went in search of some spring , that might serve as well to quench our cloaths , as our thirst . what we sought for we quickly found ; and so filling our empty cask , we made what haste we could aboard . the captain and the rest stood amaz'd to see us look so ghastly , and were very impatient to know what was the matter with us ; we told them succinctly what had happened , and what great dangers we underwent : instead of pitying us , they only laught at us for being such adventurous fools . having thus furnished our selves with what we wanted , we set fail again for bantum ; where we safely arriv'd in a short time . chap. lxxiv . going ashore to bantam , and observing the merchants what they did , taking up goods upon credit ( as it is usual in those parts ) till the ship is ready to set sail , he by a stratagem turns merchant too , and cheats a bannyan , or china - merchant . as soon as we came into the harbour before bantam , we presently man'd out our long-boat and went ashore , to acquaint the president what we were , and by what authority we came thither to traffick , being impowered by the east-india-company . we were received with much demonstrations of joy , and nobly feasted for three dayes together . here note , that the house wherein the president dwelleth , is the receptacle for the whole factory , each man according to his quality having a dwelling within this house suitable to his dignity ; the factors all in general taking their daily repast with the president . in a weeks time i learned by observation the custom of the country , and manner or way of trading , our merchant taking up goods daily , and sending them aboard without giving present satisfaction ; it being sufficient that he belonged to such a ship , and therefore must pay before he go , otherwise the king will arrest the ship , compelling him to make restitution or payment . one time i met with a bannyan , whom i observ'd to have a box full of precious stones : i could not sleep for thinking how i should make my self a partner with him . at last i hammer'd out this invention : i cloath'd my self in indian-silk , according to the custom of the country ; and having so done , i discoloured my face , & clapt a black patch upon one of my eyes . in this equipage i addrest my self to this bannyan , who presently laid open his treasure to my view . i was not long in chusing what i esteem'd as most valuable ; and demanding of him the price , we agreed he should have either so many pieces of english gold within two dayes , or else take his choice of what commodities i had aboard . we made a shift to understand each others broken expressions ; and he without the least suspicion of my treachery , delivered his stones into my hands . taking off my disguise , i went instantly aboard , and hid what i had cheated the bannyan of ( as i might easily do for the smallness of its bulk ) in the hold of our ship , resolving not to go ashore yet a while . the day of payment being come , and the bannyan no where finding me on land , came aboard of our ship , where by sign he made known to our captain his errand ; that a merchant belonging to his ship had bought commodities of him , & promised to pay him on that day . our captain reply'd , that he verily believed he was mistaken ( as knowing what commodities the merchants belonging properly to the ship had bought ) and therefore told him he must make inquiry elsewhere for satisfaction . the bannyan still persisted , alleadging he was not mistaken , and that he was confident if he might have a ●…ight of all the men , he could out of them select the concern'd person . so warv i was of being discovered , that i acquainted not one soul with my project : for had i committed this secret to any , ( though ever so dear a friend ) it had been mine no longer ; neither could i have promised to my self safety . hereupon the captin ordered us to be all call'd alost : which was spedlly performed . he went all round the company , viewing every man particularly , and very heedfully . at last he came to me , and there made a stand , ( which had like to have made my heart start out of my breast : ) he lookt upon me on this side , and on the other side ; and to say truly , on every side : and having thorowly eyed me , he ran to our captain , saying , that should be the man ( pointing to me ) but that he is a white man , and hath two sees ( id est ) two eyes . whereupon i was strictly examined : but for all this sifting , i would not let drop any thing of a confession , that should convict me of guilt ; but with lifting up hands and eyes to heaven , i utterly denyed that ere i saw this man , or ever had any dealing with him . i had now forgot what promises and vows i made to heaven , ( when in newgate , and sentenced to be hang'd at tyburn ) what a serious , pious , and honest life i would lead , if i escaped that eminent danger the concerns of this life and that to come were then in . herein i see the old proverb verified : quo semel est imbuta recens servabit odoren . testu diu , &c. — that cask will favour of that liquor still , with which at first the cask a man did fill . or according to that thred bare expression so commonly used : naturam expellas fura , licet usque recurret . though man should stop his nature from its course , it will o'reflow again with greater force . in short , the bannyan , since he could not say positively i was the man , was dismist , not without a solemn vow he would be revenged of us all in general ; and i clear'd of the indictment . chap. lxxv . the next going ashore of the sea-men , this bannyan ( for the injury was done him ) caused a running a muck , that is , he instigated a great many people to kill all they met of that ship . the loss of several men thereupon : but he is out of danger , having cunningly kept himself aboard that time . he afterwards had like to have been killed by a crease the bannyan had hired for that purpose . his enemies being destroyed , be marrieth an indian punce-woman . the next day , a great many of our men went ashore ; and going into china-row , ( a street so called in bantam ) to drink punce and tea , a great crew of indians and chineses ( headed by this bannyam ) fell upon them , killing whom they could , not directing their revenge upon any particular person , which they call a muck : ) so hot and sharp was this conflict , that many were killed on both sides , but more wounded . this accident alarm'd the whole town , but most especially the english there resident : but at last , with much ado , this grand uproar was calmed . it was my good fortune , that i was not then among them , otherwise i might have been made 〈◊〉 sacrifice among the rest of my fellows . but i was fore-warn'd , having been pre-inform'd that such broyls are usual upon such occasions ; wherefore i kept my self out of harms way for that time . but not long after , thinking their malice was blown over , i went ashore ; and walking with others of our boars-crew in the same 〈◊〉 , ( where most of our men were us'd to resort , because of the liquor that was there to be had , and a whore to boot ) a fellow came to me , with this bannyan i cheated , and both of them with greases , ( a kind of dagger of about a foot and half long ) would have stab'd me , had not my friends prevented them , by striking up their heels , and afterwards with their own creases stab'd them to the heart . after this , we could walk very quietly without any disturbance , going any where without any danger . being very hot there , our usual pastime was to go up a little small river ( joyning to the town ) four or five miles to wash our selves : the trees so covered it over like an arbor , that the beams of the sun could not penetrate it ; by which means it was fine and cool , which very much refresht our parched bodies . i never came ashore , but i drank very immoderately of punce , rack , tea , &c. which was brought up in great china-jug holding at least two quarts : with every such jug there was brought in a dish of sweetmeats , not of one sort , but variety , and excellent good ; for which we paid a shilling english : and if you call'd for another jug , you paid no more , 〈◊〉 a dish usher'd it in . one house especially i much frequented , for the indian womans sake that kept it : for though she was black , or rather tawny , yet she was well-featur'd and well-form'd , having long black hair ( when she unty'd the tresses ) hanging down to her legs . she from the first shewed me as much kindness as could be expected from that lump of bar barism and i could discerne her inclinations , ( in the same manner as a man may from beasts , when they are prone to generation ) but yet it went against my stomack to yield to her motions . however , she continued her love to me , not letting me pay for any thing i call'd for : and when there was no necessity of being aboard , she would in a maner make me lie in her house , ( which , as their houses commonly are , had but one story : ) the beds they use are a kinde of quilr , hard ; for were they soft , the hotness of the climate would cause them to be very destructive to mans body , even melting his very reins . gold and jewels she had great quantity , with an house richly furnished after the indian fashion . for this consideration , i perswaded my self to marry her ; and with several arguments alleaged , i gained so much conquest over my self , that i could kiss her witout disgorging my self : and by accustoming my self to her company , methought i began to take some delight in it . by degrees , interest so over-power'd me , that i resolv'd to marry her . thus many ( nay most ) for money , stick not to give themselves to the devil . having one night ( lying there ) seriously considered of my resolution , and liking it indifferent well , i fell asleep ; but wonder'd when i awaked , to see a thing lie by me all black , as if she had had a mourning-smock on . it seems she could hold out no longer : i pretended to flee from her ; but she held me fast in her arms , using what rhetorick she could to perswade me to the contrary . i ask'd her what she meant ? she told me in a little broken english she had got , that she would money me ; marry me , she meant : i , money me , said i , that i like well ; but without it , let the devil have married her for me . i ask'd her several questions , to which she gave me satisfaction ; and enjoyn'd her several things , which she greedily condescended to : whereupon i gave her the first-fruits of her desires . but ere i go farther , take something of my ryming fancie with you . chap. lxxvi . he descants on his marrying , and lying with an indian-black : gives 〈◊〉 advice to others ; and concludes for this time . at the first light , her head s●…em'd in a case , or that a vi●…rd-mask had hid her face , or that she was some fiend from hell had stole , having for lust been burnt there is a role . i could not tell what this foul thing should be : a succubus it did appear to me ; a d●…mn'd black soul , that was by beaven sent , to make 〈◊〉 of my blacker crimes repent . i started from her , being much ama●…'d : the more i was afraid , the more 〈◊〉 . then she arose , and caught me in her arm ; such soft flesh sure intended me no harm . ' 〈◊〉 time to roar , since that i could not tell , but that i was encircled ( now ) by hell. 〈◊〉 , stay , ( said she ) i am no 〈◊〉 ●…end , 〈◊〉 flesh and blood , and am ●…hy loving friend : 〈◊〉 my 〈◊〉 do not pleas●… thy 〈◊〉 , then close shine eyes , 〈◊〉 love : this love is blinde . i understood her 〈◊〉 , and 〈◊〉 did swear that i would 〈◊〉 this my 〈◊〉 fear ; and so 〈◊〉 my self ●…nto the rug on which we lay , and after many a tug , i●…lighted faith with this kinde infidel . 〈◊〉 what we did , my modest tongue ●…on't tell . i would at any time ( might i but ch●…se ) the fairest white for thi●… same bl●…ck refuse . but mischief on 't , let me shoot e're so right , it can't be said that i did hit the white . interest so blinded my reason , that i went instantly to my captain , & gave him information of my proceedings , desiring his consent in the marrying this indian , alleadging how advantagious it would be to me . he granted my request , upon my earnest importunity ; land being dismist from his service , we were married according to the ceremonies of the church by an english priest , she rencuncing her paganism . what money was got by my wifes trade , i laid out in such commodities the country afforded , as callico's , pepper , indico , green-ginger , &c. and sold them immediately to the ships lying in the harbour , doubling what i laid out : so that in short time i found my stock to increase beyond expectation : such satisfaction my black received from me , that she thought she could not do enough to please me . i was an absolute monarch in my family ; she and her servants willingly condescended to be my vassals : yet though i thus enjoy'd the prerogative of an husband , yet i did not lord it too much ; which won so much upon my wifes affection , and those that were concern'd with her , that assoon as i desired any thing it was immediately performed , with much alacrity and expedition . i fancy'd my life to be now as happy as the world could make it , having plenty of every thing , and not control'd by the foolish self-will of an obstinate woman . i confess it was at first a great regret to my spirit , to lie by a woman so contrary to my own complexion : but custom made her become in process of time as lovely in my eye , as if she had been the compleatest european beauty . i now again considered how he must live , that intends to live well ; and upon that consideration , concluded upon this resolution , not to neglect my duty to heaven , my self , or neighbors : for he that fails in any of these , falls short in making his life commendable . for our selves , we need order ; for our neighbor , charity ; and for the deity , reverence and humility . these three duties are so concatenated , that he which liveth orderly , cannot but be acceptable to his maker and the world. nothing jars the worlds harmony more , than men that break their ranks ; and nothing renders man more contemned and hated , than he whose actions onely tend to irregularity . one turbulent spirit will even dissentiate the calmest kingdom : so did my past unruly and disorderly life ruine my self , as well as many families . i have seen an orthodox minister in his pulpit with his congregation about him ; and since revolving in my minde the comliness of that well-ordered sight , i have thought within my self how mad he would appear , that should wildly dance out of his room . such is man when he spurns at the law he liveth under ; and such was i , that could not be contain'd within due limits , living like the drone on others labors : taking no pains , but onely making a humming noise in the world , till justice seiz'd me for a wandring , idle , and hurtful vagabond , ( an ignavum pecus ) and so had like to thrust me out of the world , the hive of industrious bees . ill company at first misled me , and it is to be feared by my example others have been misled . for he that giveth himself leave to transgress , he must needs put others out of the way . experience giveth us to understand , that he which first disorders himself , troubles all the company . would every man keep his own life , what a concord in musick would every family be ! it shall be my own endeavor to do this , and my cordial advice to others to do the like . doubtless he that performeth his duty to heaven , shall finde such a peace within , that shall fit him for whatsoever falls . he shall not fear himself , because he knoweth his course is order : he shall not fear the world , because he knoweth he hath done nothing that hath anger'd it : he shall not be afraid of heaven ; for he knoweth he shall there finde the favour of a servant , nay more , a son , and be protected against the malice of hell. i know i shall be lookt on no otherwise than an hypocrite ; neither will the world believe my reformation real , since i have lived so notoriously and loosly . let a man do well an hundred times , it may be he shall for a short time be remembred and applauded ; whereas if he doth evilly but once , he shall be ever condemned , and never forgot . however , let me live well , and i care not though the world should flout my innocence , and call me dissembler : it is no matter if i suffer the worst of censorious reproaches , so that i get to heaven at last : to the attaining of which , the best counsel i can give my self and others is , bene vive , ordinabiliter tibi , sociahiliter proximo , & humiliter deo : live well , orderly to thy self , sociably to thy neighbour , and humbly to thy maker . take this as wholesome advice , though from an ill liver , which hath been in part discovered in the foregoing discourse ; wherein i have endeavoured , by drawing up a list of my own evil actions , to frighten others from the commission of the like . for as there is no company so savagely bad , but a wise man may from it learn something to make himself better : so there is no book so poorly furnished , out of which a man may not gather something for his benefit . herein i have not minded so much words , as the matter ; aiming at nothing more than how imight compleatly limn vice in her proper ugly shape : having done that , i have done what i intended , the reformation of others by my wicked example . for vice is of such a toady complexion , so ill shap'd & deform'd , that she cannot chuse but teach the soul to hate ; so loathsome when she is seen in her own nasty dress , that we cannot look upon her but with detestation and horrour . vice was cunning and curiously painted when i fell into her scabbed embraces ; neither could i have ever known her soulnes , and rottenness , had i not tried whether her ( seeming ) fairness and soundness were real . believe me , she is no ways that she appears to be ; therefore be not deluded by her : but let my life be to the reader , as a friend fal'n into a pit , that gives warning to another to avoid the danger . so admirable hath providence disposed of the wayes of man , that even the sight of vice in others , is like a warning-arrow shot for us to take heed . vice usually in her greatest bravery , publisheth her self foolishly , thinking thereby to procure a train ; and then it is , that the secret working of conscience makes her turn her weapons against her self , and strongly plead for her implacable adversary vertue . we are frequently wrought to good by contraries ; and soul acts keep vertue from the charms of vice. an ancient poet writ well to this purpose , thus : 〈◊〉 insuiv●…t pater optimus hoc me , ●…r fugerem exemplis vitiorum quae●… not ando . 〈◊〉 me horta●… etur parce , frugalitur , at●… ●…verem uti contentus e●… , quod mi ipse paraesset : 〈◊〉 vides albi 〈◊〉 male vivat fillus ? ut●… bartus inops ? magnum documentum ne patriam 〈◊〉 per●…ere 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . a turpi 〈◊〉 amore quum deterreret , sectani dissimilis sis . — sic me formabat puerum dictis . — — thus my best father taught me to flee vice , by nothing those were naught . when he would charge me , thrive , and sparing be , content with what he had prepar'd for me ; seest not how ill young albus lives ? how low poor barrus ? sure , a weighty item how one spent his means . and when he meant to strike a hate to whores , to sectan be not like . — thus me a childe he with his precepts fashion'd . — there is no better way to correct faults in our selves , than by observing how uncomely they appear in others . after a ●…it of drunkenness , my conscience would usually accuse me , and many times , after convictment , would pass so severe a sentence of condemnation on me , that my own hands have oftentimes been like to prove my executioners . considering within my self what should be the cause of this trouble and self loathing , i found it proceded from ●…ther reason than the observation of others in the like beastly condition , and how noisom it hath rendred them to all . the first thing that made me abhor a cholerick passion , and a sawcy pride in my self , ( of which i was too guilty ) was the seeing how ridiculous and contemptible they rendred those that are infested with them . besides , those that are thorowly experienc'd in navigation , do as wel know the coasts as the ocean ; as well the sands , the shallows , and the rocks , as the secured depths in the most dangerless channel : so i think those that would arrive to as much perfection as they are capable of enjoying here , must as well know bad , that they may abtrude or shun it ; as the good , that they may embrace it . and this knowledge we can neither have so cheap , nor so certain , as by seeing it in others : for under a crown you may buy the whole experience of a mans life , ( as of mine ) which cost some thousands ; though me no more hundreds than what i borrowed of the world , having of mine own nothing originally . if we could pass the world without meeting vice , then the knowledge of vertue onely were sufficient : but it is impossible to live , and not encounter her . vice is as a god in this world : for as she ruleth almost incontrollably , so she assumes to her self ubiquity , we cannot go any where , but that shepresents her self to the eye , &c. if any be unwittingly cast thereon , let him observe for his own more safe direction . he is happy , that makes another mans vices steps for him to climb to his eternal rest by . the wise physitians make poyson medicinable ; and even the mud of the world , by the industrious ( yet ingrateful ) hollander , is turned to an useful fuel . if ( reader ) 〈◊〉 ●…hou lightst here on any thing 〈◊〉 is bad , by considering the forded stains , either 〈◊〉 those faults thou hast●… or s●…un those thou might●…st have . that mariner which hath sea-room , ●…an 〈◊〉 ●…ny wind almost serve to s●…t him forwards in his wished 〈◊〉 : so may a wise 〈◊〉 any ad●… to set 〈◊〉 forward to the haven of vertue . man , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ●…eated , h●…d , two great sui●…ens 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ●…ife and 〈◊〉 ; the one ver●… , and the other vice●… 〈◊〉 cam●… in this manner and thus attended , tru●… 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ●…ked , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ; after h●… followed labour , cold , hung●… ) , thirst , care and vigilance ; these poorly arayed , 〈◊〉 looking upon it unseemly to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 than their mist●…iss , who as plainly and meanly clad , yet cleanly : yet her countenance shew'd such a self-perfection , that she might very well emblem whatsoever omnipotency could make most rare . modest she was , and so lovely , that whatsoever lookt on her face stedfastly , could not but insoul himself in her . after her followed content , enricht with jewels , and overspread with perfumes , carrying with her all the treasure and massie riches of the world . then came joy , withall essential pleasures : next , honour , with all the ancient orders of nobility , scepters , thrones , and crowns imperial-lastly , glory , whose brightness was such , ( which she shook from her sunny tresses ) that it dazled the eyes of her beholders , so that they could never truly describe her . in the rear came eternity casting a ring about them , which like a strong inchantment made them ever the same . vice strove not to be behind-hand with vertue ; wherefore she sets out too , and in this form : herpre-cursor or fore-runner was lying , a painted houswife , of a smooth , insinuating , and deluding tongue , gaudily clad all in changeable ; but under her vestments she was full of scabs and loathsome ulcers . her words seem'd exceeding pleasant , promising to all she met whatsoever could be wisht for , in the behalf of her mistress vice. on this hypocritical quean wit waited : next him , a conceited fellow , and one that over-swayed the fancie of man with his pretty tricks and gambals . sloth and luxury followed these , so full , that they were then ready to be choaked with their own fat . after these , followed some impostors , to personate content , joy and honour , in all their wealth and royal dignities . close after these , vice came her self , sumtuously apparel'd , but yet a nasty surfeited slut ; her breath being so infectious that he which kiss'd her was sure to perish . after her followed suddenly guilt , horror , shame , loss , wanr , sorrow , torment ; and these were charmed with eternity's ring , as the former . and thus they wooed fond man , who taken with the subtile cozenages of vice , yielded to lie with her ; whereby he had his nature so empoysoned , that his seed was all viciated and contaminated ; and his corruption even to this day is still convey'd to his undone posterity . it is mans folly , onely to look on the fore-runners of vertue , which are very poor , as cold , hunger , thirst , &c. but not to consider her glorious attendants that follow after , as content , joy , honor , and glory . we fancy vice for her outside , not imagining what she is when stript of all her gauderies . if you then intend to enjoy for your portion a kingdom hereafter , adhere not to the allurements of vice ; for she will soon perswade you to be an unthrift , to sell your inheritance whilest it is but in reversion . but hearken to vertue 's counsel ; she will teach you how to husband all things well , so as to become a purchaser of no less than joys eternal . fortunes favors oft do fade , to those that in her arms do sleep : sbelter your selves in vertue 's shade ; she crowneth those that do her reap . for though darkned , you may say , when friends fail , and fortune frown , though vertue is the roughest way , yet proves at night a bed of doun . thus have i given you a summary accompt of the life of our witty extravagant , from his non-age to the meridian of his days . i left him in the east-indies , and shall e're long discover what further progress he made there in his cheats , not omitting the description of those places , wherein he perpetrated his rogueries . in his return to his own countrey , by foulness of weather , he landed in s pain : and finding the first place suitable to his designs , he over-ran that countrey . from thence into italy , acquainting himself with the most eminent cities thereof ; then into france , in which no place of note was unknown to him . of all which places , we shall endeavor to give you an exact chrorography . we shall likewise inform you what company he kept ; rogues of all sorts and sizes , of divers countreys , and how far he out-did them all . lastly , his arrival at graves-end , from whence he came to london in the rise of the late dismal ( and never to be forgotten ) contagion ; acting in that time of horrid mortality , what will scarcely be comprehended within future belief , or expressible by pen. i shall also trace him to that great and dismal conflagration , the burning of the city of london , in which by just vengeance he lost what he had unlawfully gotten , with his most nefarious and wicked life . finis . the discovery of a london monster, called, the blacke dogg of new-gate profitable for all readers to take heed by. blacke dogge of newgate hutton, luke, d. . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a stc estc s this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) the discovery of a london monster, called, the blacke dogg of new-gate profitable for all readers to take heed by. blacke dogge of newgate hutton, luke, d. . rowlands, samuel, ?- ? [ ] p. by m[armaduke] p[arsons] for robert wilson, at his shop at grayes-inne gate in holborne, printed at london : . in verse. originally published in as "the blacke dogge of newgate". this edition is rearranged with additions attributed to samuel rowlands--stc. with a title-page woodcut. printer's name from stc. signatures: a-f⁴ (-a , f ). running title reads: the blacke dog of new-gate. reproduction of the original in the henry e. huntington library and art gallery. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published 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-- england -- london -- poetry -- early works to . - tcp assigned for keying and markup - apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images - emma (leeson) huber sampled and proofread - emma (leeson) huber text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the discovery of a london monster , called , the blacke dogg of new-gate ; profitable for all readers to take heed by . vide , lege , cave . time bringeth all things to light . printed at london by m. p. for robert wilson , at his shop at grayes-inne gate in holborne . . to the reader . marvell not gentle reader , though in a mad humour , i haue thus published the blacke dogge of newgate , and here shewne his trickes to the wide world to wonder at ; he is but a curre indeed , not worth three halfe pence to be sold , but if you will accept of my pen and paper , it may countervaile the charge of sixe pence ; it is no better then an ill favoured blacke dogge , yet i desire you not to thinke your time ill bestowed in the reading , nor the price too great which you pay for it . when you have perusde it , and like it not , reward not my good will with a scoffe : but say the dogge came from newgate , hang him up and rend the booke in peeces , and then i will be your debter in a work of more worth , but let me tell you by the way , this dog , with many doggs of his kinde , have i knowne a great while , and have received by them great wrong : otherwise had i not bestowed so much time in deciphering a cur ; nay more , let me give you to understand , that this dog , thus shadowed under the name of a servant at new-gate , was in my sight , by head and shoulders thrust out of newgate : and now men chosen instead of dogs of far more pitie and honestie , than that hell-hound ever had . therefore let me thus conclude , that never cur in shape of man , in that place , shall commit the like abuses . no more for the dog of newgate : but for this dog of mine , wish me well , and i will never doe you ill : rest content , and i am well pleased . fare you well . the discovery of a london monster , called , the blacke dogge of new-gate . awonder , a wonder gentlemen , hels brooke loose , and the blacke dogge of newgate is got out of prison , and leapt into a signe : what the devils here ( quoth a mad fellow going by ) seeing the black curre ring'd about the nose with a golden hoope , his two sawcer-like eyes , and an iron chains about his necke ; this cannot choose ( said he ) but be a well customed house , where such a porter keeps the doore , and cals in company . roome for a customer , quoth i , so in i went , where i found english , scottish , welsh , irish , dutch and french , in severall roomes ; some drinking the neat wine of drleance , some the gascony , some the burdeaux , there wanted neither sherry sack , nor charnico , maligo , nor peeter seeme , ambercolour'd candy , nor liquorish ipocras , brown beloved basterd , fat aligant , or any quicke spirited liquor that might draw their witts into a circle , to see the devill by in●nagination : i seeing this gallimaufry of company , set me downe , and called for my whole pinte alone , which i had not halfe drunk vp , but there sits downe by me a poore thin-gut fellow , with a face as red as the gilded knobs of an aldermans horse-bridle , one , as it seemed , newly come out of limbo , with commendation to his rugged devilship , mounsieur shagg , the blacke dogge of newgate , who being a fellow , as i thought , not worth sixe pence in money , yet would he spend eight pence to keepe me company . i , to equall his expences , called for as much , and thereupon having both our wits set vpon the racke of invention , beganne to argue of the blacke doggs beginning , and how he came first to be called the blacke dog of newgate : now touching the same , i maintained that i had read an old chronicle , that it was a walking spirit in the likenesse of a blacke dog , gliding vp and downe the streets a little before the time of execution , and in the night whilst the sessions continued , and his beginning thus . in the raigne of king henry the third there hapned such a famine through england , but especially in london , that many starved for want of food , by which meanes the prisoners in newgate eat vp one another altue , but commonly those that came newly in , and such as could make but small resistance . amongst many others cast into this denne of misery , there was a certaine scholler brought thither , vpon suspition of conjuring , and that he by charmes and devilish whithcrafts , had done much hurt to the kings subjects , which scholler , mauger his devils furies , sprits and goblins , was by the famished prisoners eaten vp , and deemed passing good meate . this being done , such an idle conceit possessed the mindes of the poore prisoners , that they supposed , nightly to see the scholler in the shape of a black dog walking vp and downe the prison , ready with his rabening iawes to teare out their bowels : for his late humane flesh they had so hungerly eaten , & withall they hourely heard ( as they thought ) strange groanes and cries , as if it had beene some creature in great paine and torments ; whereupon such a nightly feare grew amongst them , that i● turned to a frenzie , and from a frenzie to desperation ; in which desperation they killed the keeper , and so many of them escaped forth , but yet whither soever they came or went they imagined the blacke dog to follow , and by this means , as i doe thinke , the name of him began . not so , quoth signior thin-gut , i thinke it rather an idle fiction , then a probable truth ; but this i must tell you sir , ( said he ) i know it for a truth , that there is no other blacke dog , that i ever saw or heard of , but a great blacke stone standing in the dungeon called limbo , the place where the condemned prisoners be put after their iudgement , vpon which they set a burning candle in the night , against which , i haue heard that a desperate condemned prisoner d●shed out his braines ; and that is all the blacke dogs that i know , or heard of : but if you be so pleased as to publish it , i will satisfie the wondring world with a discourse of the blacke dog in the best manner i can , and the very same , that the wisest judgements thinkes it to be . in so doing ( quoth i ) you please god , benefit your country , and satisfie your ●riends : so with a stayed looke and in sober manner , he began as followeth . sir ( quoth he ) the blacke dog is a black conscience , haun●ing none but blacke conditioned people , such as newgate may ch●llenge to be guests ; yet this rugged curre hath his sev●rall abidings ; as in the bosoms of traytors , murtherers , theeues , cut-purses , cunny-catchers , and such like , who being the devils blacke parator summons them , one after another , to appeare personaily at his hempton-hall of his three-l●g'd-tiborne , but in the meane time they commit many notable fellonies and cozonings , to the great hurt of plaine minded people : as for example , i will first begin with a woman theefe , which in my minde is a limb of the devill , for at any not able robbery , where still a woman is an actor , there likely is committed some murther or other , for as they be the kindest in loue , so are they cruellest in hate : but now ●o one woman theefe . i once knew living about london , a lusty w●nch , gentlewoman-like , cloathed in silke and tasf●ty , ●ood plate and rich furniture about her house , and well esteemed of her neighbours , that had no other meanes to maintaine her estate but plaine theeverie : in what manner thinke you ? mar● in this kind : she had for her p●rpos● a homely sute of apparel , like unto a trads●mans w●fe , a pa●re of shoo●s with cloth soles to prevent crackling , a fire-sticke in her hand vnkindled , and so in the morning b●time would she along the str●etes , and any where she did chance to espy either gentlemans or merchants doore open , in shee would , where being not intercepted by any , what thing soever lay in her way was good purchase , and with her it should : as hat , cloake , gowne , petticoate , or smock , or such like . but if it chanced that either maid-servant , or an apprentice , or any other met her , then would she desire to kindle her sticke , where sitting by the fire shee would spend away the time hovering over it , till the coast were cleare , or else would she in needy sort request a cup of small beere , which the honest minded maid will fetch her , thinking her to be some poore neighbour , perchance in a silver beaker , which she like an hipocrite will sip , and simper over so long till the maids back be turned , and then goes away beaker and all : she will sometimes in her cloth shooes tread so softly that a mouse cannot heare her , and venture vp into a knights chamber , he and his lady being in bed together , and carry away the jewels they wore the day before , but if being spi●d by any of the houshold , she hath the name of one gentleman or other aright , which is well acquainted in that house , and so escapeth vnsuspected : other times she will venture into mercers or silkemens shops , when they arebusied with most customers , as though she were some waitingmayde to a lady or gentle woman there present , and with a hook vnder her wearing apparell will , like a cunning porter , beare away either silke , uelvet , or other rich stuffes , not perceived by the shop-keepers , or any customer , many such conveiances is she crast-master in , which in my minde are the blacke d●●des of iniquity , and well may she be called one of the blacke dogs of new-gate , for at last , the rewards of new-gate will fall to her share . i could tell you likewise where the blacke dog keepes his randevous , if i do not mistake , in the bosomes of chamberlaines and tapsters in great inns : and though the master be an honest man , the servants may bee knavish , i speake not to all , but ●o some , as by the law probatum est : to our purpose : a plaine country gentleman , yeoman , farmer , or such like , comming vp to the terme , and chancing to happen into one of these inns , hee as a guest boldly throwes his cloake downe vpon the hall table , thinking all true men in the house , being as then full of guests ; in comes the tapster or chamberlaine , in jesting manner , and carries the cloake away in good sadnesse , either into the tap-house , or into the hostry , and there keepes it for his owne ; the poore countrey man missing it , makes inquiry , thinking some of the house had laid it vp , but no newes thereof , ( confesse and be hangd ) thinkes he that keepes it in lauender , in too sweet a place for the countrymans having it againe : the innkeeper himselfe hearing of his guests losse , goes chasing and fretting vp and downe , that his house is thus discredited by theeues , and layes wait at every brokers , both in long-lane , charter-house-lane , barbican , hounds-ditch , and such like places , but no newes thereof ; so is the countryman sent home to his wife without a cloak , perhaps with as little money , by which meanes the innkeeper for ever after loseth his guests . now come we to the theefe , tapster or chamberlain , i meane he that stole the cloake in ieast , he must now needs sell in good earnest ; to whom , to the broakers ? no : for there is waite laid : whither then , to a neighbour ? no neither for then it may come to light , and bee knowne of his master : but vnto a kinde of fripperers it must be vented , which be certaine marchants of old wares , going vp and downe to buy lists , ends of cloath , and old cloakes , one of these must buy it , and send it into france , to learne the french tongue , or into the netherlands to speake duch , these be terrible blacke doggs indeed , and haue sawcer-like eyes that can looke broad and wide quite over a whole citie ; but let them alone and lose themselues in their owne adventures , it concernes not me , there is a whip in store for these doggs , and their kennels will bee ransackt i feare me . but now to wade deeper into this labyrinth of knavery , i will tell you as notable a pranke as ever you heard by one of these arche bandoggs done within these few yeares . there were two of this faculty which i name m. a. and m. b : whom ( to bring this their proceeding purpose to effect ) either bought or hired two chaines , the one of perfect good gold , the other plaine copper double gilt , and away goe they into the countrey towards beverley faire , in york-shire , well mounted vpon two goodly geldings , as they had been two substantiall gentlemen , and riding by the way they hapned into company of a northerne gentleman riding from london , with whom they spent liberally , , and every night at their lodgings were all fellowes both at board and bed ; in this familiar sort riding together some two or three daies , they began thus to effect their purpose , and to cast forth their angling hookes to catch this greedy gudgeon : first , m. b. spurring his gelding as they rode together , got some quarter of a mile of ground before the gentleman , and his fellow knaue riding after a good pace , and le ts fall the right gold chaine tyed within a buckram bagge , in the sight of master a. directly in the high way ; who seeing it , starteth a little before the gentleman , taking it hastily vp , saying , a prize , a prize , in a buckram bag , a prize : halfe part quoth the gentleman , not so quoth master a. i found it , but i am witnesse ( quoth the gentleman ) and will haue halfe , or cry it lost in the next market : during this controver●●e , they overtooke master b. who had let fall the chaine , and being made umpire betwixt them , gaue judgement , that it should be equally shar'd , whereupon opening the bagge , they found therein , wrapped in a faire paper , a good chaine of gold , worth foure score pound : the northerne gentleman having it in his hand , made bold to keepe it till they came to beverley , where at a gold-smiths shop they tried it , and being toucht thorowly , the gold-smith profered for it full foure score pounds in ready money : nay , said the gentleman , if it be so good , i will haue it my selfe , and giue master a forty pound for his part : whereupon both being agreed , home they goe to the gentlemans house , and receiue their money : but now marke the i●st , whilest the money was a telling , master b. cunningly convaies the copper chaine into the place where the gold chaine lay vpon the table , being like to it , put in a buckram bag and all , that one could not know one from the other : so having received the money , away goes master a. and b. well contented for their journey , leaving the northerne gentleman nothing but a copper chaine for his forty pound , who perhaps like a wise man never perceived till the guilt was worne off , and then where should he look my two gallants ? marry , god knows where , vnlesse it were howling at the grate at new-gate , omongst those pittifull creatures . having told this tale , the bell began to ring nine a clocke , whereupon the uintner calling , shut vp the doores , it is late , caused my friend and i to breake company , who paid for our wine , thanking each other , and so departed , hee to his lodging , and i to mine , where being no sooner laid in my bed , and calling to minde , our passed discourses of the blacke dog , and his first beginning , i fell into a most vnquiet slumber , and was all the night long troubled with a most fearefull dreame ; for mee thought i was my selfe prisoner in new-gate , lying loden with i●on● in great misery , where being destitute of friends , money-lesse , and forsaken of all my acquaintance , this following dialogue is ●h subiect passed betwixt my selfe and one z●●● , who was like wise a prisoner as i was , and perfectly acquainted with matters touching the discovery of the s●●●arlatiue degree of cunny-catchers : pithy , pleasant , and profitable for all the readers hereof . the interlocutors . the author , and zany , a prisoner . author . zany , i haue many times been in hand with thee to giue me some notes vpon thy knowledge , as concerning the notable abuses committed by a sort of dissolute fellowes , who are in very deed the worst members in a common-wealth ; i meane infamous cunny-catching knaues , who continually seeke the spoile of others to inrich themselues , and now is the time thy helpe will doe me some pleasure : for at the request of a very friend , i was mooved to write something of worth , whereupon i made choise of the blacke dogge of newgate , to be a subiect to write vpon , wherein i could not choose , divers strong reasons especially mooving thereunto , but in that title shadow the knavery , uillany , robbery , and cunny-catching committed daily by divers , who in the name of service and office , were as it were attendants at newgate . againe , i did choose to give my booke that title , as well to satisfie some , who yet thinke there is some spirit about that prison in the likenesse of a black dog : of which fond imagination to put them out of doubt , i thought good to give them to understand , that indeed there is no such matter . the third reason was , for i being in newgate a prisoner , and overthrowne by these kind of bad people , with their cunny-catching , in most vile and wicked manner , in so much that whilest i there languished in great extremitie , i did both heare and see many outragious iniuries by them committed on divers sorts of people : the premisses considered . i doe intreat thee to let me have thy helpe to set downe some of their villanies committed in thy knowledge , and i will not be flacke to present this booke , being finished , into their godly hands , who will assuredly give them condigne punishment , as also provide , that the like mischiefs shal be never any more put in practise by any notable villaines . zany . indeed you say well , and i agree : but yet you know i am a poore man , and am a prisoner . againe , it is ill m●dling with edge tooles . as you comprehend them in the name of a dog : so if they be angry , they will bite , and play the devill in their likenesse . they haue parlous heads , store of money , and some good friends : all which i want . neither will i name any : but if their knaveries were knowne , it would be thought the gallows as fit for these cūny-catchers , as newgate is for me , who am rather kept in to bribe them , then to answer any offence i haue committed : yet seeing you haue begun well , i would wish you end no worse : and for my part , tell you one of their knaueries , and i le tell another : so that ere we haue done , if we tel al , the cunny-catcher wil think we haue told too much . but by your l●aue a word . i wil name no man , for if they should be named , their friends would be angry : and more then that , i rather wish their amendment than their publike infamy : of which motion if you like , begin when you will , and when you are weary rest you , and i will go on with it : for our matter being all one , no doubt our conclusion will be to the like effect . godly , wise , honourable , worshipfull , and gentle reader , know first , there be an infinite number of this sect and company of cunny-catchers , therefore it were an endlesse peece of worke to name them all : but for i know too many of them , and haue likewise paid for my acquaintance with them , it may be expected i should name some of them , which for the inconvenience might thereby insue , i thought good to craue your patience on that behalfe , assuring you that they are easie enough to be known by their colours : but what wicked parts they haue performed , i will not faile but make manifest . therfore , first i desire you to imagine , that these fellowes , these cunny-catchers , i would say , doe promise to the world great matters : as for example . they will vndertake if a man be robd by the way , they will helpe the party offended to his money againe , or to the theeues at the least . likewise , if a purse be cut , a house broken , a peece of plate stole , they will promise the like : mary , to further this good peece of service , they must haue a warrant procured from some iustice at the least , that by the said generall warrant , they may take vp all suspected persons : which being obtained , then mark how notably therwith they play the knaues , how shamefully they abuse the iustices who granted the warrant , and how notoriously they abuse a great sort of poore men , who neither the warrant mentioneth , nor the party agreeved in any wise thought to mol●st or trouble : and for they shadow all their villanies vnder colour of some especiall warrant , let it suffice thee to read the sequell , and then judge of their abuses , as they deserue . now first will i begin with their petty practises in their lewd actions . say there is a man or two robb'd by the high way not far from london : the rumor hereof being bruited in the city , these fellowos will be sure to haue intelligence with the first , in what maner the men were robd , how much mony they lost , and where they dwel : the reason is this . the cunny-catchers haue alwaies abroad some odd fellows which are inquisitors of purpose , who alwaies what they heare rumord , they presently come and certifie their good master cunny-catchers , of all whatsoever , how , where , and when this robbery was committed ; presently away goes e. h. or n. s or some of that sett ; and enquires out the party that was robb'd : with whom it h. or s hap so meet withall , some occasion shall presently be found to intrude themselues into the company of them be robbed : and after some circumstances , the cunny-catcher begins to tell of a strange robbery committed in such a place , saying it was shamefully done : and withall , they will cast some words a farre off as who should say in effect , if i be not deceived i know the theeues , and it may bee , that if i might speake with him or them that were robb'd , happily i should direct them how they might take the villaines . all this while the cunny-catcher taketh no notice of them that were robbed , neither doth the cunny-catcher make any shew , that they knew any such matter to be done to any in the company . now the poore men that were robbed , hearing their smooth speeches , one of them begins very heavily to shape his tale in this , or such like manner . my honest friend , i know too well that such a robbery was done , and in very deed , i was the man was robbed in such a place , and at such a time as you speake off . i beseech you good friend , stand me in what stead you may : and if you can helpe me againe to my money , or to take the theeues , i will not onely thinke my selfe greatly beholding to you , but i will also please you to your content . i am a ●ore man , pray you doe me what pleasure you may , good sir , i beseech you . th●se and such like s●eeches hee vseth . the cunnicatcher presently ioyneth issues with him , and with much cunning hee tempereth his talke . to bee short , he offereth all the pleasure he can doe him : but quoth hee , you know i am a stranger unto you , and i know not whether you will use mee well or no : it may bee , when i have done you good , you will lightly reward me . but i le tell you what i le doe : give me but forty shtllings in hand to bear my charges the time i may search them , and if i do not deserve it , i will restore it againe , and loose all my labour : if you like of this motion , so it is : if not , i will not deale in your matter hot nor cold . when the man that was robbed , heareth him so briefe , yet loth to part company on the sodaine : he in treateth to know the cunnicatchers name , and where he dwelleth . to this question , another of the cunnicatchers companions maketh this reply . honest man , you need not doubt of his good meaning towards you : this is such a one as may doe you pleasure , if he please to undertake it . then he roundeth the man in the eare , and telleth him his name is e. h. and that he knoweth all the theeves about london , and that he hath done more good in helping men to their owne , then can be devised to be done by a hundred others , praising him for a wonderfull good member in a common-wealth : further certifying the party where this e. h. dwelleth , and with an oath whispering , he wisheth him to give him some xx . s. and then agree what he shall give him more , when the theeves be taken , making many protestations that he need not to misdoubt of e. h. his honest dealing with him in any respect . presently the poore man putteth his hand into his pocket and out he puls an angel : then saith he , m. h. i have heard of you before , and for i have heard nothing but well of you , i am the willinger to deale with you : truly here is an angel for you , and i will give you a gallon of wine at the taverne , and if you doe me good in this matter , i will give you xx . s. more : then with some intreaty he desireth them to take it in good part , and so giveth him the money . the conny-catcher taketh the money very quaintly , as though he would refuse it , but in the end hee le pocket it up , & is willing to goe to the taverne , where after that drinking a gallon or two of wine , they conclude of the former matter : and e. h. will out of hand get the theeves into newgate : & so much he promiseth to performe upon his honest fidelity , not letting to say , if he doe it not , he dare be hanged for it . then the day is appointed , when within a weeke the party robbed shall come to newgate to know what newes , and for that time they part , the honest man to his home or about his businesse , the cunnycatchers to some other odde place about their knavery , where they laugh at the cunny , devising how to get him in for more money , never intending to doe any thing in the matter , which they have undertaken for the honest man , whose angell they drinke merrily . now we will leave this man for a while to his businesse of more profit , and i will proceed with the cunny-catchers for their practizes . these cunny-catchers are never idle : and therefore it followeth next to let you understand of a notable peece of service the said h. and s. plaid with a friend of mine . it happened my friend being some time in question , could not misse but he must needes have acquaintance with these odde shavers : and thus it fell out . my friend being in a taverne drinking with some of his acquaintance , whilst they were drinking together , in comes h. s. who presently used great courtesie to my friend : but to be short , they tooke full survey of his weapons , his good cloake , and neat apparell , which was enough for them to imagine that my friend had store of money : whereupon they asked if he would give them a pottle of wine ? which he willingly granted : and so after one pottle , he gave them another : the reckoning paid , and the company ready to depart , quoth s. to e. h i pr●y you hearke in your eare . presently he whispereth . thus it is , my fellow hath a warrant to take you : therefore in kindnesse i wish you to draw to your purse , and give him an angel to drinke , and i will undertake he shall not see you at this time . my friend hearing his tale tend to a cunnicatching effect , he begins to sweare they are cunnicatching knaves , and they shall not wrong him in any respect . to be short , the cunnicatcher sends for a constable , and charges the party aforesaid with fellony : the constable knowing them to be in office ( but not to be such bad fellows ) he presently apprehendeth the party : which done , the cunnicatchers seeing the prisoner in safe keeping , dis-furnished of his weapons , they presently require the prisoner of the constable , and they will be his discharge : which the constable did , thinking no lesse then they were right honest men . now marke what followed . as these two knaves were a bringing this party charged with fellony to newgate , one of them offereth yet for xx . s. to set him free : of which , when the party had considered , knowing though he were cleare of that he was charged , yet if he lay in prison till the sessions , it would be greater charges . when he was on newgate staires ready to goe into the batle , he was content to leave his cloake , that money he h●d in his purse , and his weapons which were in the constables hand pa●●e for the xr . s. which the cunnycatchers tooke , and discharged the prisoner without any more to doe . not long after , the aforesaid cunnicatchers meet with this their cunny of xx . s. price , and another who was knowne to be , as they terme him , a good fellow about the towne in his company . and where meet they , but in a taverne not farre without bishops gate , where these two poore cunnies had spoken for supper : amiddest their good cheere , in comes h. and s. bidding them be merry with their fare . one of these two being an odde fellow , and in dread of these cunnicatchers , knowing them very perfectly , set on the best face hee could , and bad them welcome , intreating them to sit downe , and doe as they did , of which proffer the cunnicathers accepted willingly , and sate downe with them and eate and drunk merrily : supper being ended , the reckoning was call'd for , the shot paid , and all things discharged , the cunnies would faine have beene gone . nay , quoth n. s. for of the two he was the grimmer knave and had most skill to talke , i must let you know that which indeed i am sorry to doe . yet if you will doe your selves good , you may use us well , and we will not use you amisse , to be short , thus it is , such a man was rob'd within this weeke , and he hath got out a warrant for you two by name . he hath lost ten pounds : now if you will restore the money , and bestow xx . s. on us two to drink for our pains , we will undertake to satisfie the party and be your discharge , if not , we have a warrant , and you must answer it at new-gate . this backe reckoning is something sharpe , but there is no remedy , either pay so much money , or else must a constable be sent for , and so to newgate as round as a hoope . to be short , this was the conclusion , the cunnies paid downe xi . l. every penny , whereof ten pound was to be paid to the man in the moone , for i dare take it upon my death , neither of these cunnies did offend any such man , in manner as these knaves had charged them . zany . by your leave a word , all this while you have not concluded what became of the first cunny these edde shavers meet with ; i pray you be briefe , and let us heare how he was ended withall , and then you shall heare me tell you of wonders , if these be held to be but of moment . author . well then to the first cunny ; again at his time appointed , he commeth to the wise man of newgate to inquire what is done in his matter , and at newgate the cunny findeth his adde acquaintance with e. h. who at the first sight hath the time of the day for him , much curtesies , but to the taverne they must to debate the matter , where they must have a pottle of the best . whilest the wine is a filling , the cunny-catcher sheweth what great paine he hath taken to come to the theeves , and how hardly they mist of them : but for it is best to use few words , the cunnycatcher from one day to another , still driveth off the cunny , who is still in hope that the cunny-catcher meaneth good faith , whereas indeed he never made account what faith was : so to be short , if the theeves rob'd hi not some five or sixe pound , he hath got , or if he find where he is , a dry shaving as much as forty or fifty shillings more . i tell thee zany me thinkes these are notable villantes , and pitty they should not be punished , who live by no other meanes but practising such pranks as these be . againe this is a generall rule to the cunnicatcher , that when or where he meets with such a one as hath beene at any time committed to newgate , if that fellow have good apparrell on his backe , the cunnicatcher taketh acquaintance of him , and a quart of wine they must needs drinke , when the reckoning comes to payment , the cunnicatcher hath brought no money from home that day , so by the others drawing of his purse to pay for the wine , he knoweth what lyning is in it , then if he have money , the cunnicatcher is in hand with him for a bribe , some odde crowne or an angel to drinke : if the man be in any fault , fearing the worst , he will not stand with him for a trifle : if he be in no fault , perhaps he tels , in faith you are deceived in me , i am not he you take me for , and so parteth and giveth him nothing . presently the cunnicatcher useth all meanes to know where he lies , which when he hath done , within a night or two away goes this knave with soone old warrant to the constable of that liberty , craving his aid to apprehend a bad fellow who is thought to have done much mischiefe , but for a surety he avoucheth him for an arrand theefe , & that he hath been in newgate . upon these speeches the constable goes with this h. where the poore man lies , and apprehends him and convaies him to newgate , laying some iustices commandment on him , where he lies till the sessions , unlesse he come off roundly with a bribe to the cunnicatcher : but say the cunnicatcher be mistaken in this fellowes purse , and that he have not so much as he supposed , yet the cunnicatcher is so strong of faith , that he will not beleeve the contrary : so by this meanes the poore man lyeth in prison till he be quite a begger , without releasement till the proclamation at the sessions , at which time he is not worth the ground he goes on , neither knoweth he , being utterly overthrowne , how to have any remedy : which is pittifull and lamentable . zany . i muse you should account of these trifling matters , whereas indeed they are nothing in respect of the priz●● they have plaid , and if you will give me leave a little , i will come something nearer the cunnicatcher then you have yet done . author . i pray thee doe : yet i must needs tell thee i have bin too neare the cunnicatcher , and what i have spoken of him , it is not onely with griefe but withsorrow to my heart , and anguish of soule , that these outrages should be committed , to the utter undoing of so many , as within this thirty yeares have beene : for so long did i heare one of these uillaines vaunt he had beene in office about newgate : and what i have done or said on this behalfe , with my life and death , i am ready to make proofe of it , that it is true . this minde i beare , that the devill should have his due of these knaves , and i hold it my duty to reveale whatsoever is to the good of a common-wealth : and so i will , though the cunnicatcher sweare to give me a cut in the leg for my labour , and now zany i pray thee goe forward . gentlemen , though i want eloquence , yet you shall see i have a rowling tongue , deepe knowledge , and am a rare fellow to bewray many matters touching cunnicatching . master greene , god be with thee , for if thou hadst beene alive , knowing what i know , thou wouldst as well have made worke as matter , but for my part , i am a plaine fellow , and what i know , i will not be meale-mouthed , but blab i wist , and out it must : nay , and out it shall , for as the comedian said , plenus rymarum sum . i know twenty and twenty of these fine cunnicatchers , who learne of the fencers to double a blow , knowing what belongs to the button and the bob : yet for the author hath onely used foure letters for two names , let them stand , and when i name h he must thinke zany can see whilst there is an eye in his head , h. is aspirationis nota , and no le●●●r indeed , therefore i care not if this cunnycatching h. were wip'd out of the letters row to h●ng on the gallowes , who is fitter to be a sipher to make up a number at tyborne , then to be a man of so bad condition . as for a pottle of wine he cares not who he hang so he may have it , if it be but the wine . n. is the first of the second name the author useth . no knave i warrant you : and as for s. if he be in some sort a knave to be proved , he will be contented , nay , he must in spight of his teeth disgest the name of a cunnicatcher , for by that are y● being not worth a groat a yeare , he is able by his fine wit to maintaine himselfe in his satin doublet , uelvet hose , his hat lin●d with uelvet , his silke stocke , his rapie● and dagger gilt , his golden brouch , and all things correspondent as might seeme a man both of wit and living . and now i , according to my promise to the author , will have a cast at these fine cunnicatchers , and i will not slander them in any wise , but speake the truth unto death . if i say more then i will prove , i will never bid you trust zany againe . not long since at a tylting upon triumph on the coronation day : many good subjects with ioy assembled the place of triumph , aswell reioycing to see the queenes most excellent maiestie , as also to see the tylting performed , by sundry noble and right honourable personages . amongst the rest , there comes a woman with six pounds in her purse , which the cutpurse met withall , she , as it seemed , having more minde on the pleasures of the present day and time , then she had of her purse . the iusts ended for that day , the woman thinking all had been well , takes her way homewards with a friend of hers , yet by the way , this good woman must needs drinke with her friend a pint of wine : but here was the mischiefe , when the wine was to be paid for , the woman mist her purse , and looking on the strings , with a cold heart she might perceive her purse was cut away . her friend to comfort her bad her take no thought , for he knew a man wou●d helpe her to her purse again , and saith he , we will presently go to him , for i know where he dwels . the woman thanked her friend for his courteous offer , and away they goe to e. h his house , where they found him , to whom they brake the matter wholly how it was , desiring his helpe . presently he had them in the wind , and bad them welcome , promising that if they would content him for his paines he would doe her good , asking her what she will willingly bestow to have her money againe . at the first word she offered him forty shillings . all this was well , and they agreed to meet next day about white hall , where they shall have answer to their content : and so after they had drunke a quart of wine at the taverne , for that might they parted . the next day , according to promise they met , and this e. h. had in his company a man , who he said was a constable , but whether he said truely or no , i will not say , but to the matter : they appoint the woman to go to a friends house hard by , and she should heare more anone . away went she , as they had appointed her , and away go they to looke for cutpurses . i warrant you they sought not long , but there they met with a cutpurse , whom they take by the sleeve : and there they meet with another as good a cutpurse as the former , and so they take at the least a dozen cutpurses : which when they have done , the cunnicatcher begins to raile mightily , swearing they shall some of them be hanged : but to prison they shall all goe , unlesse this money be had againe , she wing a warrant , or a peece of paper at the least : which is sufficient to beare the cunnicatcher harmelesse , as he saith . now the cutpurses , though they be all cleare of this matter , yet they begin to quake for feare , offering rather then they will goe to prison , they will make up the money , so that e. h. will promise to give it them againe when the cutpurse shall be knowne , who cut the purse indeed . this motion the cunnicatcher liketh indifferently : and so of these dozen of cutpurses , he taketh of some more , and of some lesse , that the summe is largely made up : which done , they are all discharged , marry they must have some twenty shillings overplus for their paines and kindnesse shewed to the cutpurses , all which is granted . to be short , no cutpurse scap'd their hands , but he paid a share , so that there was gathered the first day at the least ten pounds amongst cutpurses , and the next day this e. h. met with the cutpurse , who cut the purse indeed , of whom he tooke the money , with the vantage , and let him goe , without answering the matter : and to conclude , the woman had foure pound of her money againe , and so the matter was no more spoken of . i thinke this was a peece of knavery , if you talke of knavery , and yet this is no knavery in respect of that i wil shew you in this next discovery of their cunny-catching . at the tearme time , these fellowes h. and s. haue had great booties by their practises in this art , and this is their manner . in the morning away they go to westminster hall , where they know the cutpurse will be about his businesse , but the cunny catchers are not without a couple , who are their consorts : who as soone as they come to the hall , thrust in amongst the thickest , and there they listen to heare if any purse were cut that day . likewise , the cunny-catchers , they take their standings one of them at the water side , the other in some close place , at another gate : so that lightly a cutpurse cannot come out of the hall , but one of them shall spie him , and take him by the sleeue , if the cutpurse haue done any thing , word is presently brought to the taverne , whither the cunny and the cunny-catcher are gone to drinke . now if it be some small summe , the cunny-catcher sheweth the cunny a good countenance ; but if it be a large summe , as sixe pounds , or vpwards , the cunny-catcher dissembling his intent , will not stay but the drinking of a pottle of wine . the cutpurse intreats their company , and offereth both wine and a breakefast , but all is in vaine , the cunny-catcher will not tarry , swearing a great oath , he is sorry that it was his chance to see this cunny or cut-purse this day , for there is a mischiefe done , and he f●●res some will smoake for it . at this the cutpurse is af●ard , but he for that time scapeth their fingers , for the cunny-catcher will t●rry no longer . now the cunny-catcher sendeth presently one of his company to seeke out the party who had his purse cut , which he performeth with diligence , and meeting with him , hee tells the party , that he heard he lost his purse at westminster , and if he will be advised by him , he will helpe him to the most of his money againe . this honest man glad to haue part againe of his money , offereth at first word , the one halfe to have the other , assuring this odd fellow for certainty , that he lost ten pounds . well ( saith this factor for the cunny-catcher ) if your leasure wil serue to go with me , i wil bring you to one doth partly know who cut your purse , therefore it is your way to follow his counsaile , and i warrant you , my life for it , but you shall haue your desire . hereat the honest man is glad , and willingly goeth along with him to a place where he knoweth e. h abideth his comming : now being met , the wiseman of newgate begins at the first dash , to tell them whereabout they come , even in as ample manner , as if the man who had his purse cut , had told the tale himselfe . no marvell though the countrey man doe wonder a while at the matter , but in the ende , he telleth him it is so indeede , and according to the first motion they agree , which is the one halfe for the other : the countrey man willing to referre the matter wholly to this cunny-catchers discretion . then away goes the countrey man with h. the cunny-catcher , to a iustice , to whom he signifieth in every respect , how his purse was cut , desiring of the iustice a warrant to take vp all suspected persons : of which motion the iustice intending to doe iustice , grants his warrant , and giues it to h. willing him to certifie him what shall bee done on that behalfe , as the warrant intendeth . this warrant obtained , the cunny-catcher is as pleasant as a pye , taking his leaue of the iustice , away goes the countrey man , and his good friends with him , and to the taverne straight , where they spend some time in drinking a pottle of the best wine , which the countrey man must pay for : which done , h. taketh his leaue of his client , promising him not to be slacke in his businesse ; which done they part , the countrey man to his lodging , or as his occasion serveth , and the cunny-catcher about his faculty . now woe to the cutpurses , for as h. happeneth to meet with them , they must to newgate , shewing warrant sufficient for a greater matter . but you must take notice , that of a dozen or sixteene cut-purses who he hath apprehended , he is sure enough that hee which cut the purse indeed shall be none of them . this honest company of cutpurses being all in newgate h. goes presently and certifies the iustice , what a sort of notable theeues he hath taken , desiring the iustice to send for them at his pleasure , to examine them about the countrey mans purse , assuring the iustice that they are cunning theeues , and that he dare lay his life , they will confesse nothing : which indeed the iustice findeth true : for they being axamined , will confesse as much as nere a whit . to newgate away they goe againe , where they make all meanes to h. to stand their friend , shewing their innocencie : yet rather then they will lye in prison , one offereth ten shillings , another twenty shillings , some more , some lesse , as they are of ability : offering farther , to giue besides the summe , every one something to h for his good word to the iustice , that they may be set at liberty . now the cunny-catcher hath the matter as he would wish it , and taking their money first , he presently goes to the iustice , and certifieth him , that these which he hath apprehended , did none of them cut the purse : and for he hath gotten knowledge who did , he desireth that they may be bayled . the iustice glad to heare the truth is knowne , is willing to set them at libertie , which vpon their baile he granteth , of this money the countrey man hath never a penny , and all these cutpurses are set at liberty . which done , h seeketh diligently for the cutpurse , who did the matter indeed : with whom when he meeteth , he spareth not to tell him how sore the iustice is against him , and how earnestly the countrey man will pursue the law : and further he sweareth , that some of them who were in newgate told the iustice plainely , that he cut the purse . this peale rings nothing well in the cutpurses eares , who can find no favour , but to newgate : yet vpon intreaty made by the cutpurse , the cunny-catcher promiseth , that for his part he will doe him any good he can , wishing the cutpurse , as he is wise enough , so it were good for him to hold his owne , and confesse nothing so the iustice , what proofe so ever come against him , and in so doing , it may lye in his power to doe him good : telling him further , that the man who lost the money , though he be sore bent against him , yet he will partly be ruled by him . well to newgate marcheth this h. with his cutpurse : where he to welcome him for his faire words , hee clappeth on his legges a good paire of boults and shakles : which done , he sendeth for the countrey man , and telleth him of these good tydings , how the theefe is taken , and how he hath vsed him . the next way they take , is to the iustice , to whom h. signifieth how the case standeth , railing mightily against the cutpurse , even in the worst manner he can devise : saying , it will be evidently proved that he cut the purse , & none but he : further he requesteth that the cutpurse may bee examined . the cutpurse is sent for , who to every question the iustice can demand , having taken out his lesson ( confesse and bee hang'd ) hath his answer ready , so that there can be no advantage taken by his examination . the iustice returneth him to newgate againe , to abide till the next sessions , requiring the party to bee bound to giue evidence against him : but the countrey man dwelling farre from london , and it being long to the next law-day , alledgeth , he cannot be in the citie at that time , for he is a poore man , and hath great occasion of businesse , so that he cannot be there to giue evidence , neither can he say if he would , any thing against that party : for so farre as he can remember , he never saw that fellow before in his life . yet h. promiseth , that it will be proved against the cutpurse : so the countrey man and h. take their leaues of the iustice , making shew as though they would come againe , though it be no part of h. his meaning . h. goeth straight to newgate , where he fals in hand with the cutpurse , swearing vnto him by his honesty , that hee hath laboured ●he party who had his purse cut , to take his money again , and not to give evidence against him , assuring him with many oathes , that if he m●y haue his money againe , he will presently go out of the towne . the cutpurse taking h. his hand , that no man shal giue evidence against him at the sessions , doth presently send abroad to his friends for the money : which as soone as it commeth , he deliver●th to h. and withall a large overplus , because he will bee sure of h. his favour . this done h. goes to the countrey man , and fels him , he got no more but six or seven pounds , of which if he will accept , and proceed no further against the party , he hath it to pay him : marry he will not be knowne to the countrey man , but that he had that money of some friends of the cutpurses , who vpon the former condition , is willing it should be paid , if not to haue his money againe . the countrey man having haste out of the city , is glad to take it : out of which summe , if it be seven pounds , h. must haue halfe : so that the poore man of ten pounds , hath but three pounds ten shillings , whereas the cunny-catcher by this account hath got at one hand and an other , very neere forty markes : the money shard● , the countrey man takes horse , and away he rides : againe h. his mouth is stopt , and the next sessions the cutpurse is quit by proclamation , no man being there to giue evidence against him . author . o wonderfull peece of villany . i will trouble thee no further , thou hast told enough , and i will tell no more : who heares but this which is already spoken , will hold these knaues for execr●ble u●rlets . so for this time i will commend thee to thy other businesse , wishing thy liberty as i doe mine owne : and if thou haue occasion , command me to doe thee good , if it lye in my power . zany . sir , i thanke you for your courteous offer : but yet i must tel you , i could tell twenty such prancks as these are , which these cunny-catching fellowes haue played : but indeed they keepe one order almost , in performing them all : but since you think here is inough , i will say no more , and so fare you well . author . thus haue you heard , gentle reader , how at large this blacke dogge is desciphered : which dogge as he is , is worthy of your generall hate : but for i haue with paines concluded my booke vnder that title , i will not request you according to the old proverbe , loue me , loue my hound : but onely , loue me , and hang my dogge , for he is not worthy so good a name as a hound . certaine fearefull visions a p●aring to the authour of this booke , most worthy to bee noted . when as blacke titan with his duskie robe , had tellus clouded with his curtaines night , faire phoebus peering vnderneath earths globe , with winged steeds hence takes his course aright . titan hee leaues to beare imperiall sway , commanding night , as phoebus did the day . the fiery chariot posteth under ground , with titans mantle all the earth is spread , and wreathes of ieat about his temples bound : earths cell coale blacke , sweet morpheus calls to bed , no time to walke , to sport , to game , to see , i did obey , that must commanded bee . layd in my bed , i 'gan for to recount a thousand things which had been in my time : my birth , my youth , my woes , which all surmount , my life , my losse , my libertie , my crime : then where i was , unto my minde recalling , me thought earth gap'd , and i to hell was falling . amidst these feares that all my senses cumber , care clos'd mine eyes , and sorrow wr●ng my heart : opprest with griefe , mine eye-lids 'gan to slumber , but borne to woes , must of more woes have part . a thousand furies to my heart appearing , that did affright my soule with ugly searing . thus lay i long beholding hell and devills , agast with mazes , almost dead in feares , not knowing how to rid mee from the evills : they shew in action , and in lookes appeares , one anticke monster , hidious , foule and grim , me most appall'd , and most i lookt at him . thought i at last , i will cry out for ayd , striving to crie neere dead , affright with feare , i heard a voyce , which like an angell sayd : bee not dismayd , for thou shalt see and heare men devils , devils men , one both , both all del●ding : worlds evils , wrack then , sheeps cloth , wolves pray concluding . hearing a voyce , my heart was much revived , noting the words , i did some courage take : but sudden ioyes hath sudden woes atchieved , a sudden noyse this hellish crew did make , threatning by shewes as though they would devoure my life and soule , subdued by terrors power . thought checkt my mind , feares senses all amazing , hell broken loose , eyes visions furies affrighting , subdu'd earths powers , upreares hearts insight a gazing , terror of minde with hope , cries feares faint arighting : helpe me orequelled : waking with dread , i espied grac'd gracious minerva , who thus to my outery replyed : feare not at all , nor saint thou with beholding : but light thy lampe , and take thy pen in hand , write what thou feest , thy uisions all unfolding , i will direct , and let thee understand , what all these hell hounds shadow by appearing , uiew thou their worst , and then write of their fearing . subdu'd by words , which did all works exceed , ravisht with joyes , such feature to behold , abjecting feare , my glutted eyes i feed , upon her brightnesse which all harmes control'd : glimpse of her brightnesse , senses all endearing , legions of devils , could no more fright with fearing . i preas'd my selfe to take the hardest steele , and from the flint , i beat forth sparkes of fire : kindling the lint , my ready match i feele , yeelding my lampe the light of my desire : soon spied minerva , with lawrel crown'd , and bayes , mirror divine , feature of worthlesse praise . before her feet submissively i tell , pardon i crav'd , fearing i was too bold : rise up , quoth she , and view these hags of hell , for divers secrets must thy pen unfold . make true record , what shall be shew'd to thee , for these are they , which worlds deceivers be . i le clense thine eyes , least vapours doe offend , i le cleare thy wits , and give a pleasing muse : the deasest eare shall to thy talke attend , the worke so worthy , thou mayst not refuse : newgates blacke dog , with pen and inke depaint , curres of this kinde shall thereby have restraint . not for my sake doe thou what i require , but for his sake ; and with that word me showes a faire old man , whose teares foretold desire , and in a mantle mourner-like he goes . his veines like azure , his haire as white as wooll , tresses before , behind a bare smooth skull . and this is time , minerva thus repli'd , which mournes to see these hel-hounds times abusing : how thousands in their ravening iawes have dyed ; slaughtering lambes , yet to the world excusing : offence with colour shadowing mighty evils , by name of service , and yet incarnate devils . no more quoth she , but take thee to thy pen , resolve the wise , that they have beene deceiv'd : many blacke dogs have walk'd in shapes of men , and with deceits the common-wealth agreev'd : his forme and lineaments to the world disclose , that this blacke dog be knowne where ere he goes . my muse gan blush , dreading to undertake so great a taske : but time againe replide , feare not at all , time doth the motion make , unmaske this beast , let him no longer hide himselfe in shrowds , who makes of sinnes a scoffe , worlds great'st admire , when as his uizards off , time then said i , faire time i will not use longer delay , but satisfie thy will : so time will answer for my harmelesse muse , who wanteth worth so nigh p●rnassus hill ? be briefe , quoth time : with that i tooke my pen , obeying time , without offence to men . then did i fixe mine eye upon this beast , who did appeare first in the shape of man , homely attyr'd , of wonders not the least , a broome-mans song to sing this dog began : from street to street trudgeth along this groome , as if he would serve all the world with broome . but in a trice he did transforme his shape , which stroke a treble horror to my heart : a cerberus , nay worse , he thrice as wide did gape , his haires all snakes curling , they will not part . cole-blacke his hew , like torches glow his eyes , his breath doth poyson , smoke from 's nostrils flyes . his countenance ghastly , fearefull , grim , and pale , his fomy mouth still gaping for his prey : with tigers teeth he spares none to assaile , his lippes hell gates , ore-painted with decay : his tongue the clapper , sounding wofull knell , towling poore men to ring a peale in hell. like sepulchre his throat is hollow made , devouring all whom dangers make a prey , bribery his hand , spoyle of the poore his trade . his fingers talents ceasing to betray , and with his armes he foldeth men in woes , destruction stil's the path where ere he goes . me thought his brest was all of burning brasse , through which there grew a a heart of hardest steele : his belly huge , like scalding furnace was , his thighes both like unto a fiery wheele , his legs were long , one foot like to a hinde , the other foot a hounds of bloody kinde . and in this shape i saw this monster walke , about the streets , most fearefull to behold ; but more to tell , since i begin to talke , here is the tale which time would faine have told . upon a sudden rusht this curre on me , as though my life his evening prey should be . within his clutches did he cease me fast , and bare me straight unto blacke pluto's cell : when there i came , he me in lymbo cast , a stigion lake , the dungeon of deepe hell : but first my legs he lock'd in iron bolt , as if poore i had been some wanton colt. and then he gan with basest termes to braide , and then he threats as though he would me kill : and then he daunces , for he me be●raid , and then speaks faire , as though he meant none ill : then like medusa did he shake his locks , and then he threatens me with iron stocks , at last he left me in that irkesome den . where was no day , for there was ever night : woes me , thought i , the abject of all men , clouded in care , quite banished from light : rob'd of the skie , the stars , the day , the sun , this dog , this devill , hath all my joyes undone . surprest with anguish , sorrow , griefe , and woe , me thought i heard a noyse of iron chaines which dinne did torment and affright me so , that all my senses studied what it meanes : but by and by which did me comfort more , there came a man which opened lymbo's dore . all leane he was , and feeble too god knowes , upon his arme he bare a bunch of keyes : with candle-light about the cell he goes , who roughly said , sir , lye you at your ease ? swearing an oath that i did lie too soft , who lay on ground , and thus he at me scoft . to see a man of feature , forme and shape , it did me good , and partly feares exiled : but when i heard him gybe me like an ape , then did i thinke that i was thrice beguiled . yet would i venture to this man to speake , into discourses , thus i gan to breake . nye me poore wretch , that knowes not where i am , nor for what cause , i am brought to this place : bound for the slaughter , lying like the lambe , the butcher meanes to kill within a space . my griefes are more then can my tongue expresse , aye me , woes me , that can find no redresse . yet if thou be , as thou doest seeme a man , and so thou art , if i doe not mistake : doe not increase , if so increase thou can , the cruell tortures which me wofull make . and tell me first who thou thy selfe mayest be , that art a man , and yet doest gybe at me . seeing the feares which did my heart possesse , uiewing the teares that frickled from mine eyes , he answered thus , a man i must confesse , i am my selfe that here condemned lies . and by the law adiudg'd i am to dye , but now the keeper of these keyes am i. this house is newgate , gently he replied , and this place lymbo , where in now thou art : untill thou pay a fine , heare must thou bide , with all these bolts which doe agreeve thy heart . no other place may there provided be , till thou content the keeper with a fee. with that he turn'd as though he would away , sweet , bide a while , i did him so intreat : quoth he , my friend , i can no longer stay , yet what you want , if you will drinke or eate , or have a fire , or candle by you burne , say what you need , and i will serve your turne . quoth i , deare friend , then helpe me to a fire , let me have candle for to give me light : nor meat nor drinke doe i wish or desire , but onely grant me gracious in thy sight . and say , what monster was it pl●c'd me here ? who hath me almost lifel●sse made with feare , nay peace , quoth he , for there begins a tale , rest now content , and time will tell thee more , to strive in fetters it will small availe : seeke first to ease thy legs which will grow sore , when bolts are off , we will that matter handle , so he departed , leaving me a candle . away he went , and leaves me to my woes , and being gone , i could not chuse but thinke , that he was kind , though first unkind in showes , who offered me both fire , bread , and drinke . leaving a candle by me for to burne , it eas'd my griefe , and made me lesse to mourne . ioying to see , who whilome had no sight , i reacht the candle , which by burning stands , but i unworthy comfort of the light , a rat doth rob the candle from my hands , and then a hundred rats all sally forth , as if they would convoy their prize of worth . in vaine i strive to re-obtaine what 's lost , my woes are now , as woes at first began : with change of griefes , my perplext soule is tost , to see the end i did bethinke me than . how time had promis'd secrets to disclose , so i expect the worst of hellish foes . whilst thus i lay in irons under ground , i heard a man that begged for reliefe : and in a chaine of iron was he bound , whose clattering noise fill'd full my heart with griefe , begging one penny to buy a hundred bread , hunger'd and starv'd , for want of food nye dead . woe 's me , thought i , for thee so bound in chaines , woe 's me for them , thou begg'st for to sustaine : woe 's me for all , whose want all woes containes , woe 's me , for me , that in your woes complaine . woe 's me , woe's you , and woe is to us all , woe to that dog , made me to woe a thrall . whilst thus i languish , i on suddaine heare , an uncoth noyse which did approach my den : listning , unto the doore i laid mine eare , and then i knew the voyces were of men . still in neerenesse drew they more and more , at last i heard them opening lymbo's doore . in first there came the man that gave me light , and next the dog , who brought me to that place : another with a club , appear'd in sight , three weaponlesse , as though they moan'd my case : fainting for feare , i knew not what to say , expecting then performance of decay . but now this dog is in a better shape , in every point proportion'd as a man : my heart did throb , not knowing how to scape , but to intreat this curre , i thus began . faire friend , quoth i , if ●o thy will may be , to case my griefe , i le give thee any fee. with that he gri●'d , and thus he made reply , thou art a uillaine worthy of this place ; thy fault is such , that thou shalt surely die , i will not pitty thee in any case . such as thou art , too many every where , but i will seeke in time to have them heare . when he nam'd time , then i on time did thinke , but more he sayes , if thou have any coyne : to pay for ease , i will a little winke , and bolts releasment , with discharge i le joynt . of this close prison to another ward , paying thy fine , or else all ease is bard . like as the childe doth kisse the rod for feare , nor yet dare whimper , though it hath beene beat : so with smoothe lookes , this dog approach i neare , before the dev'll a candle doe i set . treating him faire , with fairest words may be , bidding him aske , he shall have gold of me . why then , quoth he , thy speeches please me well , partners ( quoth he ) strike off his irons all : then up we went , as one should climbe from hell , untill i came into a loathsome hall. when there i came , they set me on a blocke , with punch and hammer my irons off they knocke . no marvell though , whilst they my legs untide , mine eyes did surfet , drinke with woes beholding , bolts , shackels , collors , and iron , sheares i spide , thumstals , wastbands , torturs griefe unfolding : but while the case of legs my sorrowes calme , roome , quoth a wretch , for me with widdowes almes . take of these curtalles did another cry , and on his knees he fell before this curre , who to his sorrowing made a dogs reply , downe to thy ward , and doe not make this stirre . what now i know , if i had knowne before , in stead of these light chaines thou shouldst had more . with that the poore man was thrust out of sight , and i all fearing , fear'd with feare of feares : my irons off , i went , as goe i might unto this dog , in whom all devils appeares . with golden angel i this cur presented , saith he , one more , else i am not contented . wonder it was to see a fiend of hell , to thirst for angels of the fairest hue : but devils are devils , and they would all orequell . mans life and soule , this dog seeks to subdue : his mouth to stop , angels i gave him two , yeelding persorce , as i perforce must do . and then he left me in the partners hall , the grate doth open , and this dog out-goes , thousand sorrowes holds my heart in thrall , yet there i am , not by my selfe in woes : hereon oreplunged with deepe hearts griefe cryes , i live a life thrice worse then he that dyes . an other sorry soule , without a ragge , hurckling for cold , in whom all want appeares : at last gan speake , as if he meant to bragge , and thus he sayes : heare have i beene nine yeares : tell you of woes , when you my woes have seene , and yet have many men more wofull been . with that i rose , and to this poore man went , in hope to learne some novils by his talke : approaching him among his discontent , he asked me , if so i pleas'd to walk● ? and if you will , then follow up these staires , to walke and talke , deceiveth time of cares . i followed him as he that in a wood , hath lost himselfe , and knowes no way he takes : and in distress● , i thought conferring good , new woes with old , just mixture consort makes . and though the place doth nought but discord sound , my soule for his , our discords concord found . at first he gently tooke me by the hand , and bids me welcome , as i were his guest : you are a prisoner , i doe vnderstand , and hither welcome are both bad and best . men of all sorts come for offending hither , and being here , here bidethey altogether . and then he did begin thus to discourse . cease to lament with vaine dispayring feares : thy selfe dissolu'd to dropps gaines no remorse , here 's none regards , though all my mournings hea●●s , if vnder earth , the devils can proue a hell , theirs is not like to this , where wretches dwell . see in you hall are divers sorts of men , some weepe , some wail● , some mourne some wring their hands , some curse , some sweare , and some blasph●ming then , my heart did faint , my heads haire vpright stands . o lord thought i , this house will rend in sunder , or else there can be no hell , this hell vnder . thus wondring i , on suddaine did espie , one all in black came stamping up the stair●s : whose you i askt , and thus he made reply , you is the man doth mitti●ate our ●ares . he preacheth christ , and doth gods word deliver , to all distrest , to comfort men for ever . then drew i neere to see what might be●ide , or what the s●quell was of that i saw : expecting good would follow such a guide , as preach●d christ , and taught a god to know . a hundred clustering come the pulpit neere , as if they long'd she gospell for to heare . what 's this , quoth i , that now i doe behold , the h●gs of hell , and sathans impious limbs , some deeper secret doth this sight unfold , then i can gesse , this sight my sences dims , straight of my friend i asked by and by , what it might be , who made me this reply . you men which thou behold ; so ●ale and wa● , who whiles lookes up , whiles looking downe beneath , are all condemn'd , and they must dye each man. iudgement is given , that cord shall stop their breath . for haynous facts , as murther , theft , and treason , unworthy life , to dye law thought it reason . the sermon ended , the men condemn'd to dye , taking the●e leaves of their acquainted friends : with ●orry lookes , paysing their steps they ply , downe to a hall , where for them there attends , a man of office , who to da●nt lives hopes , doth ●●rd their bands , and scar●e their necks , with ropes . thus rop't and corded , they descend the staires , newgates blacke dog , bestirres to play his part : and doth not cease for to augment their cares , willing the cerman to s●t neare his cart. which done , these men , with feare of death orepang'd , bound to the cart , are carried to be handg'd . this rufull sight , yet end to their doom'd sorrowes , makes me agast , and forces me bethinke , woe upon woe , and so from wofulst borrowes , a swar●●e of griefe , and then i sounding sinke . but by t●nes ayde , i did revive againe , might i have dyed , it had beene lesser paine . for now againe the dog a fresh assaults me , as is my sp●yle were next to be inacted : and like a subtill curre in speeches halts he , with thousand fleighty wiles , old shifts compacted . charging me off with that i never did , in his smooth'st looks , are cruell bitings hid . i spake him faire , as if i had offended , he treats me foule , who never did him ill , he playes the gripe on tytius intended , to tire his heart , yet never hath his fill . even so this dog doth tire and prey on me . till quite consum'd , my golden angels be . then wofull want did make me oft complaine , hunger and cold doe pinch me at the heart : then am i thrust out of my bed againe , and from my chamber must i needs depart : to lowest wards , to lye upon the boords ; which nought but filth and noysome smels affords . midst forty men , surpriz'd with care and griefe , i lye me downe on boords , as hard as chennell : no bed nor boulster may afford releefe , for worse then dogs , lye we in that foule kennell : what might i thinke , but sure assure me then , that metamorphos'd , we were beasts not men . griefe upon griefe , did still oppresse my minde , yet had i store copartners in my woe : no ease but anguish , my distresses finde , h●re lies a man ; his l●st liv●s breath doth blow : and ere the sorry man be fully dead , the rats doe prey upon his face or head . whilst thus i languish in my woes , appeares time in his man●l● , looking fresh and bl●●he : yet whiles his eyes did shed some drops of teares , wherewith he seem'd as he would whet his ●●the . quoth time by m●●shall sorrowes be appeased . and now 's the time thou shalt of cares be eased . i did present this booke which i did writ , into times hands , who tooke it and perused it : yea , but saith time , thou must discover yet : who this dog is , who else will be excused . for able i so clear'd thine eyes to see him , so may not others , yet time would have all flye him . and for thy verses covertly disclose , the secret sense , and yet doth shadow truth : explaine this blacke dog , who he is in prose , for more apparant , then thy poem sheweth . truth needs no colours , then this dog by kinde . make knowne before , as he is knowne behinde . my sythe , quoth time , is now prepar'd to cut , there is no sith●●●t times shall longer dure : newgates blacke dog , must time to silence put , i le br●●ke his teeth , and make his biting sure . the sh●●es of m●●● on dogs of cruell kinde , time shall confound , that beare so bad a minde . haue thou no doubt , but time shall set thee free , and 〈◊〉 h●r●after learne ●hee to beware , of 〈◊〉 blacke dog , and doe his dangers flee , g●ve oth●rs w●rning , least like fall their share . s●● to 〈◊〉 world , when thou ●rt freed from hell , newgates blacke dog thou saw , and knew too well . and for thy poem drawes to a conclusion , times pl●●s●re is , that thou this dog expresse : i● shape , in n●tur● , man : yet mens confusion . a madding c●r , who doth from kinde regr●sse . a mothers sonne , and most for to be wondred , of mothers sonnes ; this dog hath spoyl'd a hundred . in lowly sort , complaine to highest ●owers , truth will be heard , and truth must not be hid : with for like wiles , this dog poore soules devoures , this dog of me● , desipher i thee bid . and though there be curs many of his kind● , say but the truth , and yet leaue nought behinde . when time had said , i from my feare awake yet had i writ what premises containes : i was no illusion mov'd me this poem make , but griefes indured , and woes my heart sustaines . greefe , care , and woe , my silly heart doe clog , fettered to shame by this cur newgates dog. now as i haue describ'd him in some sort , as he is fearefull vnto all him see : his devillish practises given to report , and set them downe , as wicked as they be . here ends my poem , newgates blacke dog by name , as it deserues either commend or blame . finis . an historical narrative of the german princess containing all material passages, from her first arrivall at graves-end, the th of march last past, untill she was discharged from her imprisonment, june the sixth instant. wherein also is mentioned, sundry private matters, between mr. john carlton, and others, and the said princess; not yet published. together with a brief and notable story, of billing the brick-layer, one of her pretended husbands, coming to new-gate, and demanding of the keeper her deliverance, on monday the eighth instant. written by her self, for the satisfaction of the world, at the request of divers persons of honour. carleton, mary, ?- . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing h estc r this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) an historical narrative of the german princess containing all material passages, from her first arrivall at graves-end, the th of march last past, untill she was discharged from her imprisonment, june the sixth instant. wherein also is mentioned, sundry private matters, between mr. john carlton, and others, and the said princess; not yet published. together with a brief and notable story, of billing the brick-layer, one of her pretended husbands, coming to new-gate, and demanding of the keeper her deliverance, on monday the eighth instant. written by her self, for the satisfaction of the world, at the request of divers persons of honour. carleton, mary, ?- . , [ ] p. printed for charles moulton, london : . preface signed: mary carlton. reproduction of the original in the harvard university library. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as <gap>s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng carleton, mary, ?- -- early works to . rogues and vagabonds -- early works to . trials (bigamy) -- england -- early works to . - tcp assigned for keying and markup - apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images - celeste ng sampled and proofread - celeste ng text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion an historicall narrative of the german princess , containing all material passages , from her first arrivall at graves-end , the th of march last past , untill she was discharged from her imprisonment , june the sixth instant . wherein also is mentioned , sundry private matters , between mr. john carlton , and others , and the said princess ; not yet published . together with a brief and notable story , of billing the brick-layer , one of her pretended husbands , coming to new-gate , and demanding of the keeper her deliverance , on monday the eighth instant . written by her self , for the satisfaction of the world , at the request of divers persons of honour . london , printed for charles moulton , . most noble , generous , and vertuous ladies and gentlewomen , i am not ignorant what great advantage the frequent false reports of my actions and demeanours hath given to the dishonour of our sex : let me tell you , i had rather chuse to be dissolved into attoms , then justly to deserve to be the occasion of any such thing . i therefore adventured upon this collection , to evince to the world , the falshood and insufficiency of the designs against me . there is no person of understanding , but may easily discern and conclude as much as i desire for vindication of my self from those things my enemies aspersed me with , or that have lately been upon the stage . he who was first the contriver and promoter of the false suggestions against me , coming to visit me within one hour after the just sentence of not guilty , i told him , if the modesty of my sex would permit me , i would require the comba●e of him to appear in the field . i look'd upon him but as a base detractor : i required his retiring from my presence : he obeyed . his looks represented his guilt . i could mention him , but it 's below me to take notice of him , further then to know him for a villain . but it being the opinion of all philosophers and divines , as well ancient as modern , that detraction is the chief branch of envy , which is nourished by lying , by which people of honest conversation are grievously wounded . — diogenes the cinick being ask'd , what beast bit most deadly ? answered , amongst furious and wild beasts , none like the detractor . — and amongst tame and gentle beasts , none like the soother and flatterer . — themistocles the thebane , upon the same occasion , said , there was no greater pain nor misery in the world , then to behold the honour or credit of an honest or good man or woman to be in the mercy of a venomous tongue , and to be tortured by detracting speeches . a spanish author that i have seen , hath this saying , that all nations do observe it as a law , that a dissolute life in men , is not held to be such a vice as in women : that let a report passe of a woman , true or false , irreparably she lyeth under infamy . therefore i do imagine , that our ancestors were so prudent , that in the instituting of several orders of knights , they had still in charge , that they should defend innocent ladies . and i never read of any knight that undertook a distressed ladies quarrell , but he vanquished and overcame . that example of valentinus barnthius , a native of toledo in spain , in his history , wherein he mentioneth a daughter of one of the kings of england , that was married to the duke of saxony and prince of piedmont , she not yielding to the immodest sollicitation and request of pancalier , whom the duke her husband had left as his lieutenant in his absence , whilest he was busied in the warrs of france ; the count imposed on her , the crime of adultery : for confirmation ( wanting other proof ) he required the combat of any that should gainsay his assertion . the which was accepted by a knight of the noble house of mendoza ; who slew him , notwithstanding many disadvantages of a late sickness , of his long travel , and disproportion of his strength and stature , &c. francis the first of that name , king of france , granted the combat to castaigneray and the lord jarnac ; castaigneray having by words dishonoured a lady , that was by blood allied to jarnac : in the opinion of all persons , castaigneray by reason of his often combats , strength , judgment in arms , and the use of weapons , would be too hard for the lord jarnac ; yet the lord jarnac slew him : the which convinced all the spectators , that the innocency of the lady influenced the sword of jarnac . many other stories of like nature i could instance , but i shall conclude with this : sure there is none will a woman deprave , unless he be a coward or a knave . i do not mention these stories , to reflect upon any of the english gallants , for not taking part in my cause , i at first apprehended i needed it not ; and now do much lesse need it : for that my enemies by their insufficient prosecution , made way for the world to conclude my innocency . but i may in some sort complain of my husband , who wore a sword by his side , and yet could suffer me to be stript of my necessary rayment . but instead of that civil defence , the least of kindnesses he might have afforded me , that had enjoyed all hymen's rites with me so lately before that tragick-part , he encountreth me with a volume of one sheet in quarto , wherein he hath these passages , that i by my parts deluded him . in answer to which , he deluded me by his pretences . reader , thou shalt receive them from his own pen ; in his epistle to the said work , he hath this passage , i shall not give my self the trouble , to recollect and declare the severall motives and inducements that deceitful but wise enough woman used to deceive me with , &c. in page the h he saith , her wit did more and m●re ingage me and charm me : her qualities deprived me of my own : her courteous behaviour , her majestick humility to all persons , her emphaticall speeches , her kind and loving expressions ; and amongst other things her high detestation of all manner of vice , as lying , &c. her great pretence to zeal in her religion ; her modest confidence and grace in all companies , fearing the knowledg of none ; her demeanour was such , that she left no room for suspition , not only in my opinion , but also in others both grave and wise . some other things he insists upon , as his undertaking to tell the story of the management of the business betwixt us ; in which he is so far from doing me justice therein , that he wrongeth me and his own soul by lying . for confutation of which , i refer the reader to the ensuing discourse ; only there is one passage that i am unwilling to let slip , that is in page the th , he saith , that my father was in town upon my commitment , and did acknowledg me to be his daughter , and that i had playd many such tricks . it 's strange this father of mine could not be produced at the tryal , if that had been true ; as strange it was , that the jury-man himself ( that was one of the jury upon the tryal of mary mauders ) that they produced , who seemed to be a man of conscience and judgment , could not swear nor say , that i was the mary mauders alias stedman . but i wave all ; and make it my request to all ladies and gentlewomen , seriously to consider the whole ensuing discourse : the which if done , i may rest confident , that there is none but will set a hand to the erecting my reputation to a higher pitch , then from whence my detracting enemies endeavoured to depress it . from my lodging , june , . ladies and gentlewomen , yours in all submissive observance , mary carlton . epimenides the philosopher being asked by the rhodians , what that virtue called truth was , answered , truth is that thing , whereof ( more then all others ) the gods do make profession , and the virtue that illuminateth the heaven and the earth , maintaineth justice , governeth , preserveth , and protecteth a state or kingdom , and cannot indure any wicked thing near it ; also it maketh all doubtful and ambiguous matters clear and apparent . the corinthians also demanded of chilo the philosopher , what truth was ? said , it was a sure gage and standard , to measure all things by it who neither diminisheth at one time , nor increaseth at another : it s a buckler , a shield that can never be pierced : it s an army never danted , a flower that never faileth , a haven that none shall perish in , or suffer peril . the lacedemonians inquisitive after this rare virtue , importuned anaxachus to delineate truth to them ; he drew its portraicture in these fair , lines , viz. truth is a perpetual health and welfare , a life without ending , an unguent that healeth all misfortunes , a sun always shining , that never suffereth by eclipse , a gate never shut , a journey in which none can wax weary : it s a virtue , without which all strength is feebleness , and infirmness it self ; wisdom , folly , and madness : without it , patience is but a counterfeit , and liberty but a prison . augustus caesar , in the triumphs that he made for mark anthony , and cleopatra , brought with him to rome a priest of egypt , aged years , that was famous for not telling a lye in his whole life ; the senate ordered his statue to be erected , and himself to be high-priest . in the time of the emperour claudius , there dyed at rome one pamphilus , that was upon good ground suspected never to have told truth all the days of his life ; he , by the emperour's order , was denyed buriall , his house to be razed , his goods confiscate , in detestation of so venomous a beast , who was so suspected , that when by accident he did speak truth , the hearers suspected their own knowledge . i am not to insist upon this theam ; but truth is an amiable and delightful thing ; it hath been no less my deliverer , then it was my sanctuary ; its precepts will i observe in this ensuing discourse , that as to matter of fact i will have due regard , that time nor envy shall have no advantage against me , to detect me in any particular or material circumstance : my ambition never tempted me to write a history of my life , but my necessity hath constrained me to give you a history of part of my life ; that is to say , from the first time of my l●st coming into england ; for that the world yet never had an exact account of what passed between me , and mr. john carleton , now my husband by the law of england , unto which we are both subjects . i having been at colen , the place of my nativity , from thence for dispatch of some affairs of mine , i went to vtrick , from thence to the brill , where i took shipping in a small vessel bound for england , and landed at graves-end the th of march last past , in the evening , and came in the tilt-boat from thence to london , betimes the next morning : in the company that were passengers , there was one a parson , for so his habit did be speak him , who offered me the civility of a glass of wine ; but it being so early , we passed several taverns , and could not procure admittance , from billings-gate , until we came to the exchange-tavern against the stocks , kept by one mr. king ; the door being open , and mr. king in the bar counting of brass farthings , the parson askt him , if we might have a pint of wine ; mr. king replyed , that we might : a pint of rhenish wine , and a pint of sack was c●lled for ; and during the drinking of it , the parson offering to kiss me , i refused : mr. king perceiving that i did not much like the parsons company , came in , and entertained me in discourse ; askt me , if i was a stranger ; i told him , yes , i came from colen in germany ; and mr. king said , since it was so early , that i could not go with conveniency to seek a lodging , if i pleased to repose my self for a time , his house was free ; that although it was a publike house , yet he had not overmuch to do in it , i might be assured , it was a civil house , and that he had a kindness and a pity for strangers ; and moreover added , to his courteous discourse , his care of me , saying , that if i had a charge , i should have a care , for the town was full of wickedness , and that i might have some trick put upon me . i thankt him , and told him , that i had a charge ; that i was so much a stranger , that i had no where to go unto that i knew of at present ; but where e're i went , i had wherewith to defray my charges . mr. king said , his house should be at my service . i answered him , that i lookt upon him as a civill person . i took my leave of the parson , and upon mr. kings invitation , went to my chamber , parcel of his house that he had alotted me for my appartment : returning mr. king many thanks for his civility , i took my leave of him also : he told me , that his wife should wait upon me when i rose . let the world judge , if it be probable that i could design any thing to insnare mr. carleton , when at my accidental coming into that house , nothing could be more remote from my thoughts or apprehension , then he was ; or then that which hapned afterwards . by what i shall further say , i doubt not but to undeceive the world , and demonstrate , that they designed against me : and whether i have that estate they dreamt of , it is not material ; i am not much to be blamed , if i have it , and conceal it , since they have pursued me in that envious sort , of which the world is witness . well , when i rose about of the clock , mistris king , the mistriss of the house , attended me ; i was furnished with all respect with what i askt for , or what was necessary : after which , i applyed my self to writing of my letters , sent them away by the post beyond the seas , wherein i gave instructions , for the managing of those affairs that concerned me . wednesday the first of april , mrs. king made a great feast , where were divers persons of quality , as she said , amongst the rest , her brother mr. john carleton . at this entertainment , mrs. king did advise me to call her cozen , the which i did . thursday the d of april , mr. john carlton came in his coach , with two foot-men attending of him , calling him my lord , and mistriss king did also call him my lord. with that i askt mrs. king , if it was not the same person that din'd with us yesterday ; she said , true , it was so , but he was in a disguize then , and withall , that in a humour he would often do so : but , saith she , i do assure you he is a lord. upon that i replyed , then his father must be an earl , if living . she affirmed , that he was a person of great honour . the same time my lord presented me with a rich box of sweet-meats : i could do no less then thankfully accept thereof . my lord came every day afterwards to mr. kings , and by his importunity would carry me abroad in a coach to holyway and islington . mrs. king would often ask me , what my lord did say to me ; i told her , nothing that i observed , but his lordship abounded in civility-mixt with complements . how , said she , madam , he loves you . loves me , for what mistriss king , i replyed . she said , for your great parts and endowments . i asked her , how my lord could tell that i had either . she said , my lord could see within me . i answered , that my lord must have very good eyes , if he could see within me , or else i must be very transparant . after which , i did order the matter so , that his access to me was not so easie : mistriss king importuneth me to admit my lord to visit me ; i told her plainly , that i did not understand his lordships meaning . he provided me a great banquet , at which his lordships mother was very fine drest , who questioned what i was . i told my lord , that i had received civilities from him , and he had the like from me , and that i had no necessity to give any account to any person what i was , for any thing that i intended ; and that if any design or affair of his required any such thing out of conveniencie or otherwise , he might forbear it . his lordship excused his mothers inquisitions , by saying , she was his mother , and that parents did think themselves concerned , in looking after the good of their children . but ( said he ) madam , wave all this , however i will marry you to morrow . what ( said i ) my lord , without my consent : my lord , i desire your lordship not to come near me any more , i will not lye under such questioning and scrutinie : your lordship will be safe in following my advice , in not coming at me at any more . upon this his lordship wept bitterly ; i with-drew my self from his presence : he writ a letter of high complements to me ( the which letter perished in the storming and taking of my out-works , by the forces of mr. george carleton , my husbands father : ) . at the same time i had a gown making upon my own account by mistriss kings taylor in the strand , i took a coach and went thither ; all this while the young lord , not knowing where i was , remained impatient untill my return , where i found him standing at the bar ( not the bar his lordship was afterwards pleased to be one of the instruments to make me stand at ) at the exchange-tavern , and suddainly claspt about my middle , and violently carryed me to my chamber . i asked his meaning : he answered , that i had forbid him my presence ; that it had almost made him mad ; that he desired nothing more of me , then but to let him look upon me . upon that he did , with a very strange jesture , fix his eyes upon me : in compassion to him , i askt him what his lordship meant , and intended ; he replied in a kind of discomposed manner , i would have you to be my wife . i answered him , my lord , i rather think you have courted me for a mistris then for a wife : i assure you , that i will never be a mistris to the greatest of princes , i will rather chuse to be a wife to the meanest of men . upon which , he uttered divers asseverations in confirmation of the reality of his intentions , and earnest desire of the honour in making me his wife , without any respect to what i had . the next day being saturday easter eve , the taylor brought me my gown to my lodging , i being drest and adorned with my jewels , he again renewed his sute to me , with all importunity imaginable ; and a little before that time , having intercepted my letters , and understanding how my estate did lie , he and all his friends renewed their sute to me , to give my consent to marry the young lord : his courteous mother is now most forward , pressing me to consent , by telling me , that she should lose h●r son , and he his wits , he being already impatient with denyals and delayes , adding withall , that he was a person hopeful , and might deserve my condiscention : i withstood all their sollicitation , although they continued it untill . of the clock that night : the young lord at his taking his leave of me , told me he would attend me betimes the next morning , and carry me to st. pauls church , to hear the organs , saying , that there would be very excellent anthemes performed by rare voyces , during which time , young captain sakvell who they had made privy to their undertaking , out of some discontent ; threatned to discover the whole business , but he was promised l . to be silent , and plied closely with sack , that he was dead drunk that night : the morrow being saturday , the th of april last , in the morning betimes , the young lord cometh to my chamber-door , desiring admittance , which i refused , in regard i was not ready : yet so soon as my head was dressed , i let him have access he hastned me , and told me his coach was at the door , he carrieth me to his mothers in the gray-fryers london , where i was assaulted by the young lords teares , and others , to give my consent to marry him , telling me that they had a parson and a license ready : so i being amazedly importuned thereunto , did then and not before , give an amazed consent : to the church of great st. bartholomews we are carried , married by one mr. smith , from thence we travelled to barnet , that it might not be known at court , that he had married a forraign princess : he lyeth with me sunday and monday right , we return to st. bartholomews again , and were there married again the second time with a license , ( they having before falsly pretended a license ) that there might be no defect or flaw in the marriage . on friday following , being the . of april , lodgings are taken for my lord and my self in durham yard , and much state and grandeur is used for the credit of his lordship . the next friday following , being may day , his lordship with great state carrieth me into hide-park where i was accommodated by the courteous respect of divers persons of quality , with great rarities . my husband by this time , publickly owned the title of lord , by the which title privately , he carried on his design upon me , he being one day in company with some of his old acquaintance , hearing him boast of the fortune he had matched , they told him , that they might possibly commit an errour , in calling him mr. carlton , and that they should readily give him his due , by what title soever was proper to him , and that they knew not better how to be instructed then from himself , who they thought would be least guilty of flattery in that case . why truly , said he , my princess calleth me lord : upon that , he took upon him the acceptation of the title , publickly as well as privately . the first time he came to me , he pretended to be a lord , the which title he could not well-maintain , as the case stood , unless he made me a princess : now let but the world judge how divilishly i had been cheated , if i had been a princess , i had no reason to undeceive them in their wilful mistakes , when i saw by their practises , how much i was deceived , and disappointed ; for now by this time , m●s. king calleth me sister , and i come to understand that his lordship was a young clark , his father finding that his lordships concealed honour had taken aire , addresseth himself to me , least i might take dislike thereat , in finding my self so palpably deceived ; and by all meanes i must make over my estate unto my husband , saying unto me , daughter , you will do well to settle your estate upon my son , itwill satisfie the world , and redownd to your honour . i told him i saw my self deceived , and that although i could not keep my affections from him , i would keep my estate untill that i did die : i cannot but make a stop here , when i remember how violently they lately did prosecute me , without all peradventure this saying of mine animated them to seek my life so vigorously . this was the cause of my first breach with them , and the cause of my troubles that did immediately insue . in one or two dayes , the scene alters , and a letter from dover is contrived , to be a discovery of me ; for an accouut of which , i refer you to my speech in my tryall , for vindication of my self in that particular . my husband 's father cometh to my lodging in durham yard , with mris. clark , and my husband and others , called me cheat and harlot , violently stript me of all my apparell and jewells , pulled off my silk stockings from my leggs , cut the lace of my bodies , and scarce left me any thing to cover my nakedness with ; hurried me before a justice , where the father and the son are bound to prosecute me for having of two husbands ; they prefs me to confess the truth ; i did insist upon no other justification then my innocency : the which at last was my security and refuge , against their malitious and unnatural dealing with me . but i can do no less then say , that my husband did nothing but with reluctancy , and was prest thereunto by his friends . notwithstanding all which , i was committed prisoner to the gate-house , westminster , without one penny of money , or any manner of relief ; but my husband came thither to visit me , and charged the keeper i should want nothing , so far as l. went , he would see paid ; and afterward on the th of may , sent me this letter , the copy of which i here insert verbatim ; the which i have now by me , and shall keep it as a relict . my dearest heart , although the manner of your usage may very well call the sincerity of my affection and expressions to you in question ; yet when i consider , that you are not ignorant of the compulsion of my father , and the animosity of my whole relations both against you and my self for your sake , i am very confident your goodness will pardon and passe by those things which at present i am no way able to help : and be you confident , that notwithstanding my friends aversion , there shall be nothing within the reach of my power shall be wanting , that may conduce both to your liberty , maintenance , and vindication . i shall very speedily be in a condition to furnish you with money , to supply you according to your desire . i hope mr. bayly will be very civill to you ; and let him be assured , he shall in a most exact measure be satisfied , and have a requital for his obligation . my dearest , alwayes praying for our happy meeting , i rest , your most affectionate husband , john carlton . may the th . . at the same time , his brother george came and drank a health to my confusion , fell down dead drunk , and afterwards said , that ● had poysoned him . other of my husband's friends came to visit me in the gate-house , ( of the many hundreds of others , i shall say nothing ) one of them said , madam , i am one of your husbands friends and acquaintance , i had a desire to see you , because i have heard of your breeding . alas , said i , i have left that in the city amongst my kindred , because they w●nt it . another in his discourse delivered as an aphorism , that marriage and hanging went by destiny . i told him , i had received from the destinies marriage ; and he in probability might hanging . to wave many others of the like nature . on the d of june , . i am by order brought to the sessions in the old bayly . the court being sate , a bill of indictment was drawn up against me by the name of mary moders , alias stedman , for having two husbands now alive , viz. thomas stedman and john carlton . the grand jury found the bill , and was to the effect following : viz. that she the said mary moders late of london , spinster , otherwise mary stedman , the wife of tho. stedman late of the city of canterbury in the county of kent shooemaker , may , in the sixth reign of his now majesty , at the parish of st. mildreds in the city of canterbury , in the county aforesaid , did take to husband the aforesaid thomas stedman , and him the said thomas stedman then and there had to husband . and that she the said mary moders , alias stedman , april , in the th year of his said majesties reign , at london , in the parish of great st. bartholomews , in the ward of farringdon without , feloniously did take to husband one john carlton , and to him was married , the said thomas stedman her former husband then being alive , and in full life : against the form of the stautute in that case provided , and against the peace of our said soveraign lord the king , his crown and dignity , &c. afterwards i was called to the barr ; and appearing , was commanded to hold up my hand : which accordingly i did ; and my indictment was read to me as followeth : clerk of the peace . mary moders , alias stedman , thou standest indicted in london by the name of mary moders late of london spinster , otherwise mary stedman , the wife of , &c. and here the indictment was read as above : how sayst thou , art thou guilty of the felony whereof thou standest indicted , or not guilty ? nor guilty , my lord. clerk of the peace . how wilt thou be tryed ? i said , by god and the country . clerk of the peace . god send thee a good deliverance . aud afterwards i being set to the barr in order to my tryal , i prayed time till the morrow for my tryal : which was granted , and all persons concerned were ordered to attend at nine of the clock in the forenoon . i was sent to new-gate , and in the evening my husband came to the place i was lodged at , and desired admittance . after i was acquainted with it , i desired he should be admitted to my presence . upon his entring the room he said , how do you do , madam ? i thank you , my lord , as well as ever i was in my life , never better . i pity you , madam . i scom your pity , my lord , i have too large a soul. but ( said he ) i come to take my leave of you for ever ; you have not long to stay here , i am sorry for you . why , ( said i ) my lord , have you numbred my dayes ? my propitious stars a better sort of influence then you imagine them to have . well ( said he ) i shall pray for you , madam . i said , my lord , why , are you righteous ? the prayers of the wicked are not effectuall . upon that , he stept backward to be gone . i stept forwards to him , and said , nay , ( my lord ) 't is not amiss , before we part , to take a kiss . why , said he , will you kiss me ? i told him , yes : and did so . a person of honour desired him to stay and take a glass of sack ; he said , no. i replyed , i am sorry your lordships breeding is so poor , it will not give you leave to be civill . on thursday the th of june , at . of the clock in the morning , i was brought by my keeper to the barr , and silence being made , the jury was sworn , and the witnesses were called , viz. james knott , sarah williams , mr. george carlton the elder . the court with great patience staid the p●osecution above an hour and a half , in regard mr. george carlton alledged he was not ready with his witnesses . after which , the court proceeded , and acquainted mr. carlton , that they were not bound to stay so long as they had already ; but he was bound to be provided to prosecute . the indictment was read , which was to this effect ; that i had at several times married several persons that were now living ; that i had married in st. meldreds parish in canterbury some years last past , one thomas stedman , a shoe-maker now living ; and that in april last past i had feloniously married one john carlton , against the statute in that case made and provided . james knott was sworn , and said , that i was married in the place aforesaid , unto one thomas stedman , who is now alive , and would have come up , if he had had money to have born his charges ; and that he gave me in marriage : that i was born at canterbury , and that my father in law his name was richard foord . he being asked , if he knew my own father and mother ; he said , no. and further said , that it was about a week or a fortnight before the act for marriages by justices of the peace was put in execution . the lord chief justice ask't knott , what were the words used in the marriage ? he answered , that he was so young , that he could not remember that . william clark sworn , said , that there was an indictment against me at dover , for marrying of one day , after stedman , and that i was prosecuted by stedman , of which i was cleared . mr. george carlton the elder being sworn , gave in evidence , that he saw my husband at dover . being asked , whether he knew him to be her husband ? he answered , that he could not swear it . james knott gave further evidence , that i had two children by stedman . mr. george carlton the elder being askt , if he had any thing further to say , acquainted the court , that he had searcht the register-book of the parish church of st. meldreds , canterbury , but could not find any such marriage registred . and further said , that the present parson of the parish did tell him , that the clerk of the said place was often guilty of neglect in that kind . mr. george carlton the younger being sworn , said , that i was married unto his brother , john carlton , in april last , in great st. bartholomews . mr. smith , the parson that married me there , gave in evidence , that he married mr. john carlton and my self , in april last , by the book of common-prayer , and had a licence produced to him for his warrant ; i craving leave to speak , said , i acknowledged that i was married to mr. carlton , at the time , and in the manner as is before expressed ; therefore they might save themselves the labour , and the honourable bench the trouble of further proof in that case . mr. george carlton the elder being askt , if he had any other evidence to offer , answered , that he had more witnesses to prove my being marryed to other persons . the bench replyed , that there could be nothing given in evidence that was not contained in the indictment . the court askt knot , who were with him besides at the wedding he mentioned in his evidence ; he said , that there was mr. man , the parson that marryed us , the sexton , my sister , and himself that gave me . some of the jury desired the court to ask knot , how old he was now : he answered , that he was one or two and thirty years of age. mr. carlton being askt , if he had any more witnesses , answered , no. i standing all this while at the bar , not once interrupting or disturbing the evidence of the other side , the court calling upon me to make my defence , i without any disturbed thought , or unquiet mind , did in a deliberate composed manner , address my self to the bench in this sort : my lord , in the first place , i do with all due respect and submission , humbly beseech your lordship , and this honourable bench , not to impute any thing that i shall say to confidence , but rather to the necessity that lyeth upon me , to make my defence for my life . a thing that will sufficiently oblige any to make the best defence they can : but that doth not weight so much with me , as that which is every whit as dear to me as my life . my lord , it is my reputation and my innocency , that incourageth me to speak before your lordship at this time , and it is that which produceth confidence in me , that as i am innocent of the thing urged upon me by them , the justice and reason of you before whom i stand , by the which i hope to be acquitted and rendred to the world what i am , not what my prosecutors would have the world to believe me to be . my lord , i shall not trouble you with any thing impertinent , nor with any things that related to these affaires more then needs i must : when his son my husband , came and addressed himself to me , pretending himself a person of honour and upon first sight pressed me to marriage : i told him , sir , said i i am a stranger , have no acquaintance here , and desire you to desist your suit ; i could not speak my mind , but he ( having borrowed some thredbare complements ) replyed , madam , your seeming virtues , your amiable person , and noble department , renders you so excellent , that were i in the least interested in you , i cannot doubt of happiness ; and so with many words to the like purpose , courted me . i told him , and indeed could not but much wonder , that at so small a glance he could be so presumptuous with a stranger , to hint this to me ; but all i could say , would not beat him off . therefore my lord. i do humbly acquaint your lordship that old mr. carlton did rather design upon me , then i upon him , to say nothing of what passed before i was married to his son , of which there was enough to demonstrate that evidently , so soon as i was married to his son , he desired me to make over my estate to his son , to satisfie the world , that was somewhat amused , and in doubt of what is seems they had spread abroad for their own reputation : i answered him , sir , i shall not dis-invest my self of my estate , untill i did . mr. carlton intercepted my letters , by that understood how my estate did lie , that he had that expectation of what i had , is farther evident ; for his son came to me , pretending to be a person of honour and great quality , and the better to accomodate himself in his application to me , he borrowed his brother georges cloak , it is the same he hath on his back in court before your lordship ; and if any be deceived , i am . my lord , if that they could but have been insured that i had been the person as to estate , that they imagined me to be , your lordship should not have been troubled at this time , in these matters , if i understand them aright , they would have been contented to have practised concealment , in case i had had more then one husband . instead of this defamation that i am loaded with , my lord , my crime is , that i have not an estate , or at least such a one as they imagined it to be ; therefore my lord , i say , i am brought at this time to this place ; and therefore , my lord , were my jewels seized to defray the charge of their expensive courting of me . to colour what they have done , they fix the offences of some woman of canterbury , a person that may be dead , or gone out of the land for ought i know , upon me : the place i know not , a place that i am a stranger unto ; if that had not bin so , they have had time enough since my first commitment to have produced more evidence then any that hath as yet been urged before your lordship : my lord , they brand me for marrying of a shoo-make , and another sad piece of mortality , a brick-layer . my lord , my soul abhorreth such a thought , and never was accommodated with such condiscention , to move in so low an o●b . my lord , by all that i can observe of the persons that appear against me , they may be divided into two sorts ; the one of them come against me for want of wit , the other for want of mony. that mony hath been proffered to subborn some against me , i have witness to prove . my lord , these people have been up and down the country , and finding none there that could justifie any thing of this matter , they get here an unknown fellow , unless in a prison , and from thence borrowed , you cannot but all judg to swear against me . my lord , were there any such marriage as this fellow pretends , methinks there might be a certificate from the minister , or place : certainly if married , it must be registred ; but there is no registry of it , and so can be no certificate , no minister nor clerk to be found : and if i should own a marriage , then you see that great witness cannot tell you , whether i was lawfully married , or how ? but it is enough for him ( if such a paultry fellow may be believed ) to say , i was married . i was never yet married to any but john carlton , the late pretended lord : but these persons have sought alwayes to take away my life , bringing persons to swear against me . my lord , when old mr. carlton saw that he could not obtain his end of me , he threatned me with a justice , and a prison ; and the justice bound him over to prosecute me ; he must make the best of it , and therefore it is no wonder that he repaireth to such means and instruments to effect my ruine . my lord , i desire that my witnesses may be called . elizabeth collier said , that she coming to the gate-house to see her husband , being a prisoner there for debt , one pretended that he came to see his wife there , named mary maullers . upon that , she took upon her to personate the said person he asked for : he said , i , 't is true , thou art that unhappy woman that i married . the which person she never saw before in her life . mr. ed. bayly , deputy-keeper of the gate-house , saith , that he hath heard people , at the least , of canterbury , ancient livers and inhabitants there , say , that they never knew , nor did ever see me , before they came to see me in the gate-house , upon the fame that was spread abroad of my being born at canterbury , and having acted such a part at canterbury . the lord chief justice was pleased to ask me , where i was born ? i answered , in germany . he ask'd me , where ? i said , at colen . mr. clark was askt by the court , whether he could prove , or swear , that i was the mary mauders that was tryed at dover ? he answered , that he could not , neither prove it , nor swear it himself ; for he was a stranger to the whole business . i perceiving the sleight evidence , and that i needed not either to say more , or offer more evidence in my behalf , submitted my cause to the bench and jury . upon my being askt by the bench , if i had more to say ; i replyed , no. the court gave instructions to the jury as followeth : first , the indictment was briefly recited . and as to the evidence , the court observed , that there was but one witness to prove the indictment , and that he could not remember the manner of marriage , nor the words used there . and if that i had been married , and had two children , and that the jury should believe that single evidence , and that he had sworn aright , i was to dye . the judge told the jury , that they had heard of a tryall against me , for having had two husbands before , one stedman , and day , at one time , and that from a jury-man that was upon the jury at the same tryall ; yet he could not swear , that i was the woman . the jury went forth , and continued absent a quarter of an hour : upon their return , and silence being made , the jury being called over , they were askt as the custom is , who should say for them ? they answered , the fore-man . the court askt , whether they found the prisoner guilty , or not guilty ? the fore-man answered , not guilty . upon which , there was a great shout of the people . after silence being made , i moved the court , that they would order the restoration of my jewels . they answered , that i had owned mr. carlton for her husband , he must sue for them , if old mr. carlton shall deny the delivery of them . when the jury was returning with their verdict , my husband in the garden , met them ; he askt one of them , if they had found me guilty ? he in answer to his question , said , no , my lord , we shall leave you to make much of your princess . he replyed , by god , i am undone , i will never own her . their envy against me rested not here , they preferred severall other bills the same afternoon ; and endeavoured as much the next day : but the grand jury perceiving it to be rather upon malice , then upon any just ground that they had so to do , flung them our . during my stay at new gate after the tryal a kinsman of my lords came to visit me , said , madam , i think you are with child . i answered him , that if i were , it would be a young clerk he would be born with a pen and ink in his hand and a bond about his neck . saturday he th of june , i was discharged from my restraint ; since which , i shall acquaint the world with what hath hapned to my vindica●ion : it was one of my pretended husbands , by whom a bill was prefer ed ( but not found , as i said before ) by billing the brick-layer . upon whusun-monday , the th of june instant , the said billing came to new-gate , demanded of the keepers to deliver his wife to him : the turn-key , and other subordinate officers of the goal , told him , they had none of his wife ; he insisted upon it , and with-stood all deni●l , mentioned my name , and the particulars of my tryal : the keepers remembring there was a former mistake of the same person , given in evidence on my behalf at the tryal , called one grizel hudson a convict , a pretty woman , and in good habit ; the turn-key a ked billing , whether this was his wife ? billing replyed , yes ; and askt her , why she did not come to him upon his first sending for her ? she told him , that the keepers would not permit her to stir out of the prison , in regard her fees were not paid . billing said , he would pay the fees ; and whispered her in the ear , saying , that they had a mind to hang her ( meaning the carltons ) but he would not prosecute her : true it was , he had put in an indictment against her , but he could not help that . well moll , said he to her , have ye all your things ? she said , yes . but , said he , moll , why do you stay here amongst such wicked company , rogues and whores , i see their irons about their legs . why , said she , i have left some li 〈…〉 ingaged in the cellar . to the cellar the keeper carryed them both ; and there billing left a note under his hand , to pay five shillings to the tapster : which note he hath to produce , to satisfie any that shall make further enquiry in this particular . he further said , that she had cheated him of fourty pounds , and that he would pawn the lease of his house , rather then she should want money , although she was a wicked rogue , if she would but live with him : she promised she would . he told her he would give her a sky-colour'd silk petticoat , and wastcoat , and a podesway gown , new holland for smocks , and all other things necessary . billing turning himself to the company the●e present , said merrily , that she had cost him much bef●re when he marryed her , but he never lay with her , but he had kist her , and f●l● her a hundred times . billing askt her again , if she would leave these wicked rogues , and go long with him . she said , she had another debt to pay : he askt what it was ; she said , twenty pounds to such a one , a stranger then present , unto which person he gave a note to pay l. in one moneth after the date thereof : ( it's mo●e then probable he will be made so to do . ) he further said to her , that now it will trouble me to pay all this money , and then you to run away from me in a short time . withall , said he , moll , you need not , for i have a better estate them the young man that tryed you for your life . so gave the particulars of his estate , what in money , houses , leases , and land. he added moreover , that he did love her out of measure , notwithstanding she had done him other mischief , then what he had before-mentioned . she ask him , wh●t they were ? he said , she had stollen from his daughter a knife and a wrought sheath , a handkercher , and a seal'd ring . with that , the standers by told him , that he was mistaken , that this grizell hudson was not the person : he swote it was , and that he knew her well enough ; that he saw her in the gate-house , and that she knew what passed between us there : but , said he , moll , thou art a cunning rogue , i desire nothing of thee but to be honest , and live with me ; the which she promised , and he parted with great content thereupon . reader , take the whole , and view it well ; i leave it to thy ingeruity , whether from the tryal it self , and other circumst●nces , there be not enough to clear one , in thy judgment . i have omitted cloathing of it in polite language , in regard i was confined to render it in those proper terms and words , that every accident carryed along with it self , without adding or diminishing . finis . an encomiastick poem upon the german princess . fames trump sounds forth the amazons renown , whose worthy feats have kingdoms ovethrown ; the triumphs of their sex may win the bayes from masculine fortunes more unworthy praise . some are for valour , some for learning prais'd , beauty and piercing wit have others rais'd . man's highest honours can't pretend to claim what is not justly due to womans name . and yet all histories defective are , and have not nam'd a female half so rare , as this our princess ; whose wit so refin'd , made frustrate what her en'mies had design'd ; deceiving her deceivers , cast them all into the pit they digged for her fall . no more shall cleopatra boast her . parts , which won great antony's and caesar's hearts ; though with one passion she did both enflame , in all estates her self being still the same . to vainer purpose did thalestris come from distant regions to procure a son of alexander : 't was not ( i greatly fear ) courage or wit 's effect , but hot desire . this forreign princess such perfections brought into our english world , as lessons taught most proper ; for our age declining still from bad to worse , goes on to what 's most ill : our ancestors renowned vertues priz'd , but we all reall honours have despis'd : how well doth she our dulled souls revive , and good examples to the great ones give , to brave and noble vertues to aspire , and make the under-duller world admire . thus , though disguis'd , her most illustrious worth through all impediments of hate brake forth , which her detractors sought within a prison t' eclipse , whereby her fame 's the higher risen . as jems i' th' dark do cast a brighter ray , then when obstructed by the rival-day ; so did the lustre of her mind appear , through this obscure condition , more clear . and when they thought by bringing to the barr to gain her publicke shame , they rais'd her far more noble trophees , she being clearly quit both by her innocence and exc'lent wit. finis . nugæ venales, or, complaisant companion being new jests, domestick and forreign, bulls, rhodomontados, pleasant novels and miscellanies. head, richard, ?- ? approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing h estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) nugæ venales, or, complaisant companion being new jests, domestick and forreign, bulls, rhodomontados, pleasant novels and miscellanies. head, richard, ?- ? the second edition corrected, with many new additions. [ ], p. printed by w.d. london : . in ms. on fly leaf: "by richard head." illustrated frontispiece. imperfect: pages creased with print show-through and some loss of print. reproduction of original in the harvard university library. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as <gap>s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng rogues and vagabonds. - tcp assigned for keying and markup - spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images - john pas sampled and proofread - john pas text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion 〈◊〉 stout be mercifull nugae venales , or , complaisant companion : being new jests , domestick and forreign , bulls , rhodomontado's , pleasant novels , and , miscellanies . the second edition corrected , with many new additions . if these true jests don't ev'ry humour fit , let fops , like me , ne're nibble more as wit. london , printed by w. d. and sold at the ship in st. mary axe , and by most booksellers , . the epistle to the reader . certainly before the mexican conquest , never did the indian mines so abound with gold , as doth this over-curious critical age with pretenders to all manner of wit and ingenuity : the stage is throng'd , the press opprest , and not a coffee-house but what is unreasonably smoakt with the fumes of hot working brains , whose only hopes and designs are , either to prattle , or scribble themselves into reputation : nay , the bookseller is become a demi - critick , who knowing not what to have , will be sure to censure 〈…〉 at ye then blind harpers ; you who look on true wit with as many grimaces , or monkey-faces , as if some barber chirurgeon was fumbling about your rotten gums with a rusty instrument to find out the stump of some putrified and corrupted tooth , which out-stinks the devils scotch ordinary , and house of office , 't is not the persian gulph , or epsoms-well , nor westminsters sweet plum-broth ( made in hell ) can change my resolution , i have vow'd to speak with silence , and to vvrite aloud . you ignorant brisk fops , who being internally blind , can discern no farther than you can see , whose gaping mouthes dam'd up with silent non-sense speaks loudly that ye are full of emptiness ; and so she bid me to tell you ; reason , and you are as neer allyed as the artick and antartick poles , for which posterity hath long since registred you fools , and former ages , for the time to come , shall confirm it . but now though in jest let me be in earnest , when after you have read what is before , and in the middle , you meet with the bulls , if they please you , as much as they are like you , then assure your self the next time , my bulls calve , you shall have more of them . for further satisfaction , at which time you shall have dunsmore cows-milk to make sillebubs ; i know you must like them , being so like your selves ; and to tell you the truth , i play'd the bear to lick them into a form , as like you as i could , and i think i have done it monstrously well , if i am not deceived : for know , though i will give place , yet i will never precedency , neither to merry andrew , the vvestminster quibler , pasquin , or any other scribler famous for propagating laughter by buffonry , and non-sense , or infamous , and detestable , causeless and villanous detraction , whom interest would ingage to stab his father with his pen , and afterwards kill his brother with his sword in vindication of the fact. — o foul offence ! this non-sense tasts of too much truth and sense . now if i must have your detracting commendations , say not a word , by which 〈◊〉 expressions my ears , and consequently my understanding will be informed , that according to the proverb , consent doth give silence ; but if your toothless censure should fasten upon the shoulders of my reputation , and my credit rankle by the venome thereof , i shall only for the present say , farew●l and behang'd , and that is twice god-boy . one word more i beg leave to add ( craving pardon from the discreat for the preceding ribaldry ) and that is concerning the novels that are contained in this book of jests ; what are acted in our own country are new , true and pleasant , as to what are translated , out of french ; if their plot be bad , impute the blame to the sterility and dullness of monsieur's fancy , and not of him , who is your countrey-man . domestick jests , witty reparties , &c. a facetious gentleman was one day deeply engaged in discourse with a witty gentlewoman , who at length was pleas'd to condemn the weakness of her sex ; nay madam , not so , for if i mistake not , it is easie to prove your sex stronger than ours , for sampson ( the strongest man living ) carried only the gates of the city on his shoulders , and now adayes every stripling female carries a tower on her forehead : to which she very briskly replied , surely sir , you have a capacious and very strong head , that can carry up and down so many wind-mills . immediately after the conversion of a noblemans house into shops , two gentlemen walking by saw written over the entrance , the midle exchange , we have enough of these already said the other , which without any addition can plentifully supply what necessity or curiosity can require , and therefore take away the first letter m. and then the name and nature thereof will both correspond , by reading it the idle exchange . one gentleman meeting another very early in the morning , who had been a rambling all night , askt him where he had been , the other answered he had been a hunting : where quoth t'other ? in whetstones park , he replied , and a pox on 't , said he , i can find never a hair in 't . a lord desired his chaplain to write a copy of verses on his lady , who was a very great shrew , it was promised but not performed , the lord asking a reason of his delay , said the chaplain , what need you my lord desire a copy , when you have the original ? my lady hearing thereof , caused the chaplain to be discharged , and so he paid for his wit. a country fellow , who had never seen london , was abused one day by some young clerks of an inn of chancery , who thereupon complained to the principal of the house in this matter ; i have been much abused by a company of rascals belonging to this house , and being informed you are the principal , i thought good to acquaint you therewith . some neighbours that dwelt all in a row on one side of the street , were resolved to be merry with their wives , said one , they say we are all cuckolds who live on this side , but one , hereupon his wife was in her dumps , how now sweet-heart , said he , why so sad ? i am not sad said she , but i am studying who that one of our neighbours it should be , that is not a cuckold . a citizen being made a cuckold by his neighbour , brings his action against the party , and lays it quod clausum fregit , & domum intravit , &c. the business coming to a tryal , the ju●y brought in a verdict for the plantiff , and a mark damages ; the tryal being over , he stept to the jury , saying , you see i am contented to enter my self a cuckold on record , you might have considered it is very likely to be your own case , and yet you give me but a mark dammage : well , i hope to see you all so marked for your pains . a lady sent her servant to the play-house to know what was acted that day , the fellow asking the question , he was answered , go tell your lady 't is pitty she is a whore , the fellow misunderstanding , and thinking this was spoke of his lady , and not of the play , replyed , 't is pity such a parcel of rogues , rascals , and idle sons of whores should abuse honest women after this manner . there was one mr. herring , who notwithstanding his pious function , was reputed a good fellow ; one day returning home after a sound fuddle , chanced to fall in the kennel , and very much bedaub'd himself , a gentleman passing that way who knew him , took him up , saying , indeed mr. herring i am very sorry to see you in such a sad and woful pickle . one seeing in a play-bill upon a post , a great man gull'd , and underneath , by his majesties servants , read it thus , a great man gull'd by his majesties servants , adding to it these words , by my soul as true a thing as ever was writ . a parson having in his sermon much inveighed against usury , saying it was a sin as bad as wilful murder ; a little after wanting mony , he went to one of his parishioners , and desired the loan of twenty pounds gratis for . months , the man remembering the parsons sermon , said , truly sir , if to lend money upon use be in your opinion as great a sin as murder , in my opinion to lend mony gratis , is a greater sin than man-slaughter . an ancient gentlewoman desirous to be believed young , was telling some company one day that she was but nine and thirty years of age ; one standing by whispered another in the ear , saying , surely she must be more then fifty , to which he replyed , you may believe what you please , but i must believe what she saith is a truth , she having told me so this ten years . a gentleman whose name was church sitting in a chimny-corner in the winter time drinking of a pot of ale , askt the question , whether any of the company ever saw a chimny in a church , no ( said one ) but i now see a church in a chimny-corner . mr. church another time was telling his friend that his wife was with child , and withal , so big , that he could not choose but wonder every time he looke upon her ; you need not wonder ( said his friend ) do you not know your wife hath a church in her belly ? a gentleman having drank very hard at the kings-head tavern , came reeling out up chancery-lane , and and chanced to reel within the rails of the pump , and kept his motion round so long , that he was tired ; whereupon leaning on the rail , he askt one that passed by where he was , he told him over against the chancery : i thought so ( said he ) and that 's the reason i think i shall never get out of this place . a gentleman had kept another mans wife company so long till he began to be tyred with her , and the sooner to be rid of her , got a friend to proffer her husband three hundred pound to take her again ; he seemed averse to the proposition , whereupon he was advised to take her , and the mony ; and then whereas other cuckolds wear their horns plain , he might wear his gilt . a man and his wife being in bed together , towards morning she pretended her self ill at ease , desiring to lye on her husbands fide , the good man to please her , came over , making some short stay in his passage ; she had not laid long , but desired to lye in her own place again , quoth he , how can this be done ? she answered , come over me again : i had rather said he go half a mile about . in chancery one time when the councel of the parties set forch the boundary of the land in question by the plot ; the councel of the one part said , we lye on this side my lord , and the council of the other side said , and we lye on this side ; the lord chancellor then in being stood up saying , if you lye on both sides , whom will you have me to believe ? an old man having married a young maid ( as was supposed ) seemed very jolly , but the bride very melancholy & sad ; one of the guests observing it , bid her be merry ; and for her better comfort told her that an old horse would hold out as long and as well as a young one in travel , to which she replied , stroking down her belly with her hands , but not in this rode . ( supposed common . ) two actors , the one of the kings , and the other of the dukes house , talking jocosely one with the other ; said the one , in troth ned thy whole life is so cramm'd with merry mimmick humors , that if well compiled , they would be the subject of an excellent comedy ; to which the other replyed , thy life is stuft with such subtile damn'd plots & roguery , that it would make a very deep tragedy , if the poet were mindful of making thee hang thy self at the latter end of it . one of the nursery in barbican had borrowed a play-book of a bookseller , called the wits , and was by agreement to return it at sucha time , or loose the money he left in ●ue thereof ; laying it some where careless at a rehearsal , it was missing ; nor could it be found , which made our actor swear and damn after a mad rate , not so much for the loss of his book i guess , as for fear he should loose his mortgaged shilling , ( a considerable sum in dearth of mony ; ) one hearing him rore after this hellish manner , askt what was the matter ; nothing , nothing , ( said a stander by ) but that our brother hath lost his wits . a mad crew went to a tavern with a ( devilish ) resolution to be damnable drunk ; one being more over-powred then the rest , spewed perpetually ; and seeing that , he would no longer bear them company , called for a reckoning ; why ( said one ) cannot you tell that , that have so often cast up what you drank ? no marry i cannot , ( said he ) for i was so bus●e in a casting up the account , that i did not mind the reckoning . a citizen dying greatly in debt , it coming to his creditors ears , farewel said one , there is so much of mine gone with him ; and he carried so much of mine said another ; one hearing them make their several complaints , said , well , i see now that though a man can carry nothing of his own out of this world , yet he may carry a great deal of other mens . it is reported of late that a gentleman dignified with no mean title , was riding one day with his footman attending , ( who was an arch crack ) the fellow not following so close as he should , was rebuked by his master , and called a thousand strange names , as whoresegg , hounds-foot , d●vils spawn , and the like ; this so nettled the footman , that making what speed he could , got up within the reach of his master , and taking from the ground a hard clod of earth , flung it as hard as he could against his masters back , & instantly thereupon stooping , he scra●ht his leg ; his master turning about askt him what was the matter ; the matter , quoth he , pox take your horse for kicking , i doubt he hath lamed me ; prithee ( said the gentleman ) be no more angry then i am for at the same time he kickt me on the back . a suit of law being referred to a gentleman ; the plaintiff who had the equity of the cause on his side , presented him with a new coach , and the defendent sent him a couple of brave horses ; the gentleman liking the horses better then the coach , gave fentence on the defendants side ; hereupon the plaintiff calls to him , and asketh him how it came to pass the coach went out of the right way ; he replyed , he could not help it , for the h●rses had drawn it so . a young boyish finniken mercer , after he had sold a gentlewoman ( small in stature ) some commodities , thinking to oblige her another time by his pleasant discourse , sumon'd all his f●culties to talk all he had at once , at length fell into a self praise of effeminate smooth faces , alledging the man-like countenance was designed undoubtedly for the wars , and the other for ladyes service ; pis● ( said she ) give me the face that looks like a man , the other is not worth a hair . a poor poet being engaged among some virtuosi in a coffee-house , talkt a little at random ( as well he might being bare without , and empty within ) it being taken notice of by a cunning quibbler , he askt him where his wits were ? to which he answered , that if they were not in pye-corner , they were certainly in pudding-lane , or gone a wool-gathering . an indigent gentleman was perswaded to marry a prostitute , for no other reason then that she was rich , and perhaps might turn ; turn ( said the gentleman ) she hath been so much worn , that she is past turning . a very wicked extravagant fellow boasting of his travels , and amongst the rest of those incredible things he had seen , said , that he had been on the very top of teneriff ( which is accounted one of highest hills in the world ; ) one askt him why he did not stay there , for he was perswaded he would never be so near heaven again . at another time he applyed himself to this gentlewoman in his accustomed bumbazeen expressions , and not knowing what to say , being to praise this gentlewoman above measure , for no other reason but that she was little ; nay sir ( said she ) if that be all the grounds for your commendation , i shall ever hereafter upon the same grounds have the same asteem of your wit as you have of my person . one seeing an answer in chancery written five words in a line , and not above ten lines in a folio page , askt why they were writ so wide ; one answered it was done to keep the peace , for if the plaintiff should be in one line , and the defendant in the other , the lines being too near , they would go together by the ears . a pragmatical fellow having a mind to put a trick upon a man that was talking significant enough , interrupted him in his discourse , and said that he loved to hear a man talk non-sense with all his heart ; it seems so said the other ; and that is the reason you love to hear your self talk so much . a handsom woman , but dishonest , was frequently reproved by a relation for her levity and disobedience , frequently inculcating , that her husband was her head , and therefore should both love and obey him : in a little time she undid her husband , and was forced to fly for it ; being reproved again by the same party for her extravagant lewd actions ; pray forbear ( said she ) and meddle with your own business , i have injured none but my self , and that is by breaking my own head . a citizen that was more tender of himself then his wife , usully in cold weather made her goe to bed first , and when he thought her plump buttocks had sufficiently warmed his place , he then came and removed her out of it , and lay in it himself ; and to make himself merry , called her his warming-pan ; she not being able to indure this indignity any longer , one night ( sir reverence ) she did shit a bed ; he leaping into it , and finding himself in a stinking condition , cryed out , o wife i am beshit , no husband , says she , it is but a coal dropt out of your warming-pan . one of the sherriffs being sick , my lord was forced to ride with one sheriff , which occasioned my lord to say , that a lord mayor riding with one sherriff , was like a sow with one ear ; your pardon my lord said the sherriff , i think it is more like a waterman with one skull . a certain person lately attempted the violation of the honor of a very virtuous gentlewoman by this stratagem ; as they wer alone together he pretended his back itcht , and therefore desired the gentlewoman to scratch it , who suspecting nothing , concented , in the mean time this beastly fellow obscenely shewed what nature would , & modesty must hide , saying , madam look whether i am not of the nature of a cat , who being scratcht on the back will play with her tail : the gentlewoman all in confusion , furiously flung from him , and with much indignation related the affront to her husband , who bid her not disquiet herself , and he would very speedily find out a way to be revenged , and thus it was , he invited him one day to dinner , & to remove all suspition he entertain'd him very liberally , having dined , he took him to the balcony , where having discoursed him a while , at length he took him up by the twist and threw him over , which was a great height from the ground , saying , if you have the nature of a cat , no doubt you will pitch upon your leggs . a gentleman amongst company was relating a jest of a servitor in the university , who was commanded by his tutor to goe down to the kitchin and heat some meat , who instead thereof did eat it , justifying the act by saying , h non est litera ; how , said the stander by , is h no letter ? i am sorry for that , for my name being hill , 't will be then ill. an arch young wagg hearing one morning the cry of kitchin-stuff , called the woman to him , and askt her what she cryed ? ritching-stuff said she , what 's that quoth he ? she repli'd it was that dropt from flesh : say you so said he , call to morrow and i will furnish you with some , the next morning she came , and this wagg in the time had prepared a pot half full of si● reverence — the woman according to custom put her arm into the pot and drawing it out saw how she was abused , and began to be angry ; nay , nay , says the young man you have no cause for passion , have not i fulfilled my promise in furnishing you with what drops from flesh ? it is very true said she , and now i think on it , your flesh appears to me very dry ( and stroaking his face with her sh — hand ) wants a little greasing , and stands in need i think of basting too . one asked a profuse gallant why he would sell his land ; he replyed , because he was now on his journey towards heaven , where he could not arrive till he had for saken the earth . two seeing a handsome young wench pass by them whome they knew many grains too light , but very poor , one said it was a wonder to see such a wench so bare : it is no wonder said the other , for she is common . there was a gentlewoman named cunny , who was of a free jolly , yet innocent disposition ; a gentleman chanced to take lodgings in the same house where she lay , whose name was parsley ; being askt one day how he liked mrs. cunney , very well said he , but i like her much better were mrs. cunney stust with parsley . a crooked dwarf passing along the streets , said one , look yonder and see whether there goes not a man of prodigious height ; who doe you mean said the other that dwarf ? i that dwarf if you call him so said the other ; for he cannot stand upright in the highest room of this city . a lass espying a young mans testicles hang out of his breeches , that were broken in the seat , askt him with a seeming or real ignorance what it was ? it is my purse quoth he , thy purse quoth she , then i am sure my purse is cut . an idle drunken dyer complained to a serious pious neighbour of his , that whatsoever he undertook to dye came commonly by a mischance ; to which the other replyed , that the only way to have this amended was , speedily to mend himself , for he that lived ill , could never die well . one asked another why men were not content to tell lyes , but they must publish them in print , the reason is apparent said the other , because when men lye , they most desire to lye in sheets . one asked what should be the reason that prentices were so apt to quarrel with gentlemen upon a small occasion , because said the other they are glad any occasion to knock them , for knocking their mistresses . three young conceited wits sitting in a tavern very merry , it chanced that a grave old gentleman with along gray beard looked into the room , whom , as soon as they had espied , to show their wit , saluted him with the name of father abraham , the other with isaac , and the third with jacob ; i am ( said the gentleman ) neither father abraham , isaac , nor jacob , but saul the son of kish , who went out to seek his fathers asses , and here i find them , and here i leave them . a young bucksom gentlewoman was very much perswaded to leave a town call'd maidenhead , and go into the country , to marry a rich man , old and impotent , which she refused ; being asked the reason , said she , i am resolved to live in maidenhead a little longer , for as yet i have no mind to go to graves-end . a young maid coming fresh out of the country , was courted by a person of quality , whom she understood was poxt ; he daily wooed her , and promised her marriage ; she refused , and being asked the reason , why she ( that was meanly born ) would not marry one , that would not only enrich her , but enoble her blood ? i will not , said she , currupt my flesh to better my blood for any prince in christendom . a gentlewoman cheapning of a clostool , bid too little for it ; the trunk-maker to perswade her to give more , desired her to look on the goodness of the lock and key ; as for that quoth the gentlewoman i value not , for i purpose to put nothing into it , but what i care not who steals out . a wit at cambridge in king james his time , was ordered to preach at st. maries before the vice-chancellour and the heads of the university , who formerly had observed the drowsiness of the vice-chancellour , and thereupon took this place of scripture for his text , what ? cannot ye watch one hour ? at every devision he concluded with his text , which by reason of the vice-chancellors sitting so near the pulpit , often awaked him ; this was so noted by the wits , that it was the talk of the whole university , and withal it did so nettle the vice-chancellour , that he complained to the arch-bishop of canterbury , who willing to redess him , sent for this scholar up to london to defend himself against the crime laid to his charge , where coming , he made so many proofs of his extraordinary wit , that the arch bishop enjoined him to preach before king james , after some excuses he at length condescended , and coming into the pulpit , begins , james the first and the sixth ; waver not ; meaning the first king of england , and the sixth of scotland ; at first the king was somewhat amazed at the text , but in the end was so well pleased with his sermon that he made him one of his chaplains in ordinary ; after this advancement , the arch-bishop sent him down to cambrige to make his recantation to the vice-chancellor , and to take leave of the university ; which he accordingly did , and took the latter part of the verse of the former text , sleep on now and take your rest , concluding his sermon , he made his apology to the vice-chancelour , saying , whereas i said before , ( which gave offence ) what ? cannot you watch one hour ? i say now , sleep on , and take your rest , and so lest the university . a learned and charitable doctor having made ( for the benefit of the country wherein he dwelt ) a large causey , whilst he was overseeing his work , a nobleman of his acquaintance chanced to ride that way , who seeing the doctor , saluted him kindly , thinking to jeer him into the bargain ; dr. ( quoth he ) for all your pains and expences , i suppose this is not the high-way to heaven : i think ( replyed the doctor ) you have hit the nail on the head , for if it had , i should have wondred to have met your lord-ship here . a gentleman that was very faint hearted , fell sick , whereupon his friend went to visit him , and found him so shamefully afraid of death , that he had not patience to stay with him , for all his words were , ah ! ah ! ha ! what shall i do , have i no friend in the world that will dispatch me from this grief and pain ? reiterating these words over and over ; hereupon his friend , to try him , drew his sword , and clapping it to his breast said , yea , you have me your friend left , who will instantly do you that kindness ; the sick person startled thereat , and cryed out , hold friend , hold ; though i have a desire to be rid of my pains , yet i have no such mind to be rid of my life . a minister having preached in the parish of st. bennets sheerhog above half a year , and yet received nothing from the church-wardens , h●rkned out for another benefice , and quickly found one vacant ; now to the intent that he might not leve them abruptly , he civily told them of his intention , and that he would give them a farewell sermon , though they had not deserved it from him ; having reproved them severely , for their enormities , at the conclusion , he spake something in relation to the pa●sh , and parish ●oners , in words to this effect , t●e●loved , i understand that the name of this parish is benners-sheerhog , and i presume very well it may , for my part i have instructed you above six months , without reward , ●d therefore may say , hogs i found you , and hogs i leave you , but the devil sheer you . a plain country fellow born in essex , coming to london ( which place he never saw before , as he walkt the streets he espied a rope hanging at a merchants door with a handle at it , wonder ing what it meant , he takes it in his hand and played with it to and fro , at length pulling it hard , he heard a bell ring ; it so hap●ed that the merchant being near the door , went himself and demanded what the follow would have ; nothing sir said he , i did but play with this pretty thing which hangs at your door . what country man are you said the merchant ? an essex man an 't please you replyed the other . i thought so quoth the merchant , for i have often heard say , that if a man beat a bush in essex , there presently comes forth a calf ; it may be so replyed the country man ; but i think that ●an can no sooner ring a bell in london but a cuckold looks out presently . a gentleman having sore eyes , occasioned by ebriety , was advised by his physician to forbear drinking of wine ; but he said , he neither could nor would forbear it , maintaining it for the lesser evil to shut up the windows of his body , then to suffer the house to fall down through want of reparation . a country fellow was much troubled that he had not gone ten miles to have seen the monkeys dance upon the ropes ; why said his wife , it is too far to go and come a foot in one day to see such bables ; o quoth he , i could have gone thither with my neighbour hobson on foot like a fool as i was , and imight have rid back upon my neighbour jobsons mare like an ass as i am . thus in the preter tense a fool he was , and in the present tense he is an ass ; and in the future fool and ass shall be , that goes or rides so far such sights to see . some gentlemen being in a tavern as they were in the height of their jollity , in came a freind of theirs whose name was sampson ; a ha ! said one we may be now securely merry , searing neither serjeant or bailiff , for if a thousand of such philitins come , here is sampson who is able to brain them all ; to whom sampson replyed , sir , i may boldly venture against so many as you speak of provided you will lend me one of your jaw bones . a gentleman seeing a very prety made with her valentin pind on her sleeve , intending to play the wag with her , askt , if her wastcoat was to be let ? yes sir said she to be let alone ; i am content said he , to let your wastcoat alone , but not your petticoat . a gentlewoman , to be in the fashion , must needs ( like her neighbours ) have a friend , or gallant befides her husband ; having singled out one day one ( whom she thought fit for her purpose ) privately she told him , how dearly she loved him , above all men ! her husband chancing to over-hear her ; said , sir , believe her not ; for she hath told me the same many times this seven years , and god knows how many more besides . a gentleman that was purblind , or dim-sighted , hapned against his will to affront another person of quality , who thereupon challenged him the field ; the other returned him this answer : that his eyes were weak , and could not indure the light , & therefore he should have a great disadvantage in fighting him in the open field ; but as a gentleman he desired him not to desire ods , and therefore invited him to a combat in a dark cellar , and to dispatch the quarrel , pitcht upon no other weapon but an hatchet ; this strange challenge so pleased the gentleman , that instead of fighting , they became very good friends . mr. dunscom , and one mr. cox living one near the other in the country , fell out about five foot of ground , and nothing must serve but the law to decide the controversie : to 't they went , and sued one another so long , that they were forced at last to prosecute the suit each of them in forma pauper is ; at length the case coming to a definitive hearing , and the judge understanding how long they had been vexatious , to the utter ●uine of each other , said thus ; gentlemen , there hath been a scandal cast upon the law for its tediousness in mens recovering their rights , the fault is not in the law , but in you and such like , who delight in long and tedious suits to the destruction f● their own and anothers family . but to the business in hand ; here is five foot of land in contr●ve●sie between you , and both of you have brought equal arguments to prove the propriety ; wherefore my sentence shall be , that the five foot of land be equally divided ; and now let me desire you , mr. dunscomb to permit me to devide your name too , take comb and put it to cox ; then your name will be dunce , and his coxcomb ; and so gave order for their names to be registred on record . a tradesman having servants , observed 〈◊〉 to ramble at nights ; and watching him one time , lockt him out , and took the keyes up with him ; the ramble being over , home came this apprentice and knocking at the door , could get no 〈◊〉 ; whereupon he earnestly beg'd his follow servant to let him in ; introth tom i cannot ( said he ) my master hath the keys , and i dare not ask them of him : but if you will go to him your self 't is ten to 〈◊〉 he will let you in . a gentlewoman of greater beauty then chastity , standing in a balcony , was gazed on by a fop gallant that had as little wit and manners , as she had nonesty ; in his long stairing her in the face , be made some abusive signs , which forced her to withdraw ; hereupon this gentleman , ask● her whether the sun offended her , and so , drove her thence , yes ( said she , ) thy mothers son , that son of a whore. a gentleman having a very sore nose a long time , was askt by his friend how it was ; truly said he , it hath been very bad , but now it is pretty current ; i think so too says the other , for 't is always running . a gentleman speaking of his long and large travels , was interrupted by a lady , who said she had travelled farther then him if so madam says he , as travellers we may lye together by authority . a journy-man baker watcht his opportunity , and stole a neighbours goose , which he perceiving , cryed out as the baker was runing , baker , baker ; i will , i will , said he , being served with a warrant , he told the justice , his neighbour bid him bake her , as he did , but not coming to eat her , he did eat her himself . as two doctors were walking , an unhappy baggage emptied a chamber-pot by chance on their heads , one of them hereat grew angry , says t'other we are phisitians , but let us be patients ; and calling to her ; said , are you not ashamed for your impudence , to cast water before two well known doctors , when it is none of your profession . says a lord , my friend , i should know thee , yes says he , i am one of your lordships tennants , my name is f. l. o says the lord , i remember there were two brothers of you , one is dead , but which is he that is alive ? it is i my lord , says wise-acre . a young man married a cross piece of flesh , who not contented though her husband was very kind , made continual complaints to her father , to the great griefe of both families ; the husband being no longer able to indure this scurvy humour , banged her soundly : hereupon she complained to her father , who understanding well the perversness of her humour , took her to task , and laced her sides soundly too ; saying , go and commend me to your husband , and tell him i am now even with him , for i have cudgeled his wife , as he hath beaten my daughter . in the last great plague time , a constable heard a woman beating of her husband ; whereupon he ran immediately and set a cross on the door , and a watchman to attend , being askt the reason ; he said , a greater plague under heaven could not befall a man then for to be beaten by his wife . a fellow hearing one say according to the italian proverb , that three women make a marken with their ch●tting , nay then said he , add my wife to them , and they will make a faire . q ne askt his friend what such a one was that was the●● in company , the other replyed he was a proctor , and had done some business of his wifes ; you mistake said the other , he doth not thy wifes business but doth thy business on thy wife . a red nosed man and his wife being invited to supper , was intreated going home to take a light with him being very da●k , it needs not said the man , for my nose and my wife are light enough . a taylor complained in the hearing of his wife that she brought him nothing : you lye like a rogue said she , i bring you children every year without your help or assistance . a countryman told his wife 't was her fault that his daughter played the whore for she should have lock-her up , lock me no locks says she , the devil take that key that cannot undo that lock . upon the christning of a child , said the husband to his pretendedly religious wife , my dear , who dost think hath promised to be godfather ? i know not quoth she ? why e'ne thom. alcock , o the father ! will he be here , says she . a gentleman hired a waterman to land him at temple-stairs , which he did , but it was in the mud ; for which the gentleman grew angry , and would not pay him a farthing , saying , my bargain was to land me at temple-stairs , but this is puddle-deck● a gentleman having a very handsome servant , and as he verily concluded a maid , sollicited her to lie with him ; but she refused ; at last it came to this , that all she feared was he would hurt her ; he told her no : she said , if he did , she would cry out ; all being finisht , la you there said he , did i hurt you ? or did i cry out , said she ? her mrs. not long after perceived her puking , askt her whether she was not with child ; ●charging her home , she confest , and that it was her master got it , where said she ? in the truckle-bed , where was i then ? in the high-bed forsooth a sleep , o you whore , why did you not cry out ; why forsooth ( said she ) since my master did not hurt me , why should i cry out ? had you been in my condition would you have done so ? one mr. eaton making one day a plentifull feast , amongst other dishes he had a goose , which those at the upper end of the table had so mangled , that there was nothing left in a manner but the skeleton ; however mr. eaton ( in civility ) askt some at the lower end , whether they would eat any goose ; one taking it as a trick put upon them , said , no sir , i thank you , here is plenty of other food to feed on ? as for your goose it is eaton . mr buck invited mr. cook to dinner , ( who was a clownish gentleman ) to a venison pasty ; at dinner mr. cook was pleased ( though uncivily ) to say , mr. buck , in troth your buck is ill season'd , and but half baked , it may be so sayd he , but yet buck is good meat ; but what says the proverb , god sends meat , but the devil sends cooks . two gentlemen striving for the superiority in wit , one had much the better on 't , and gave him such a parting blow with the acuteness of his quick fancy , that the company taking notice of it fell a laughing ; saying , that he was struck dead at a blow , as sampson did the philistins ; to which the other briskly replyed , i think so too , and by the same means , for i received that blow by a jaw bone of an ass . a farmer being consumptive , came with his wife to a doctor , who advised him to drink asses milk every morning ; saying moreover , that if he could not get it , the farmer should come to him ; why husband , said the wife , d●th the doctor give suck ? a gentle woman sitting carelesly by a fire side , sate stradling , her husband in a pleasant humor told her , that her cabinet stood open : say you so said she , why don't you lock it then ? for i am sure that none keeps the key but your self ? a gentlewoman delighting in plurality of lovers chanced to admit to her embraces two gentlemen who loved one another entirely , but were unacquainted with each others loves ; one of them having layne with this gentlewoman one night , lost his ring in the bed , which the other found the next night after ; the day following , the other sees it on his friends finger ; after a great many arguings about it , they came to understand one anothers amorous intrigues ; the gentleman demands his ring ; the other refuses ; at last it was agreed that it should be left to the next commer by , who should have the ring ; it chanced to be the husband of this woman , who understanding the whole matter , adjudged the ring should belong to him who own'd the sheets ; marry then said they , for your excellent judgement , you shall have the ●ing . a scholar in a colledg-hall declaming , having a bad memory , was at a stand whereupon in a low voice he desired one that stood close by , to help him out ; no says the other , methinks you are out enough already . a poor harmless man was continually ab●sed by a scolding wife ; and such was her imp●dence that she would call him cuckold a hundred times together , a ninny standing by and hearing it , said what a fool this man is to let his wife know he is a cuckold . a country gentleman riding down corn-hill , his horse stumbled , and threw him into a shop ; the mrs. thereof being a pleasant woman , not forbearing smiling , ( seeing there was no hurt done ) askt him , whether his horse used so to serve him , yes , said he , when he comes just against a cuckol●s door ; then in troth said she you are like to have forty falls before you come to the upper end of cheap-side a man and his dog ( named cuckold , ) going together in the evening returning home , the dog ran in a doors first ; o mother says the boy cuckold 's come ; nay then says the mother your father is not far off i am sure . one said , ( having drunk small beer ) that it was dead ; it is very likely said another , for it was very weak when i was here last . what a sad condition am i in , said a fellow in the stocks ? i can see over the wood , under the wood , and through the wood , but can't get out of the wood. one running into a neighbours house for a little hot water for one that was ready to sound ; alas , said the other i wish you had com a little sooner ; for i ju●t now threw away a whole kittle full . a scriveners man reading a bill of sale to his master ; ( according to forme ) i do demise , grant , and to farme let , and sell all my lands — but on sudden the cough took him , that at present he could not read a word more ; at which his master being angry , bid him read on with a pox ; at which words he went on , to you , your heirs , and their heirs for ever . an ancient gentlewoman had a nephew a scholar in katherin-hall in cambridge , and meeting one day his tutor , she askt him how her nephew behaved himself ? truly madam ( said he ) he is a great student , and holds close to katherin-hall ; i vow ( said she ) i feared as much , for the boy was ever given to wenches from his infancy . one phanatick said to another , that he hoped god would not lay it to his charge that he had fasted one day last lent ; how said the other , i hope it was not on good-friday , as they call it ; no said the other , but it was on ash-wednesday as they call it , why that 's as bad said the other ; but hear the truth brother , i did eat so much on shrove tuesday , as they call it , that i could not eat a bit the day after , as they call it . a seaman unaccustomed to ride , was mounted on a curvetting horse , which reard a loft ; hey day quoth he , i never expected to have met with billows here to be thus tost on land before . a fat man riding on a lean horse , was askt why he was so fat , and his horse so leane ? said he , i look to my self , but my man to my horse . a foolish wench meerly out of revenge complained to a justice , that such a man would have ravisht her ; what did he doe says he ? he tied my hands so fast i could not stirr them ; and what else ? why sr. said she , he would have tied my legs too , but i had the wit to keep them far enough a sunder . a man having a candle in his hand , said , by this light wife i dreamed last night thou madest me a cuckold : she having a piece of bread in her hand , said , by this bread husband but i did not : eat the bread then says he , nay ( sayes she ) eat you the candle , for you swore first . a gentleman riding near the forrest of which-wood in oxford-shire , askt a fellow what that wood was cal'd ? he said , whichwood sir. why that wood ( said the gentleman ) which-wood sir , why that wood i tell thee ; he still said which-wood ; i think said the gentleman thou art as senseless as the wood that grows there , it may be so replyed the other , but you know not which-wood . one gentleman desired another to drink more then he could bare , a●d therefore he refused ; the other swore if he did not drink off that glass he would run him through , nay , rather then that , said the other , i will run my self through , and pledge you afterwards , and so running through the door down stairs , left the other to pay the reckoning . a man walking with a pike-staff in his hand , it chanced that a dog came running at him open mouth'd ; hereupon he thrust the sharp end of the pike down his throat , and killed him ; the dogs master askt the fellow , why he did not save his dog by striking him with the blunt end of the staff ? so i would said he if he had run at me with his tail . one askt a painter how he could draw such excellent pictures , and yet get such ugly children ? it is ( said he ) because i make the one in the night , and the other in the day . one asked his friend why he being so proper a man would marry a woman of so small a stature ? o friend said he , of all evils the least is to be chosen . a gentleman walking early in the morning , met his friend coming from his mistress whose name was field , sr. said he , how came you in this wet pickle ? in troth sr. i am thus bedewed by coming over yonder field ; nay , said the other , i rather believe it was by lying all night in yonder field . a gentleman that was a great tavern hunter , askt his friend to go with him and drink a glass of wine ; the other refused , saying , his face was red enough already , and drinking wine would make it worse , a pox on that face ( quoth the other ) that makes the whole body fare the worse . another said , that was a very great drinker , when he dyed he would leave fifty pound to be drank in wine in manner and form following , at these taverns , ten pound at the wonder in ludgate-street , for honest men , and no brewers ; ten pound at the castle for military men , ten pound at the miter for clergy men , ten pound at the horne tavern for citizens , and ten pound at the devil tavern for lawyers . one haveing two sons , one legitimate and the other illegitimate ; he made the bastard his heir , the father dying , the two sons falling out , the one twitted the other that he came in at a window by stealth ; true , said he , i did , but it was to keep you out of the house . another bastard told his friend that he was as much beholding to such a man , as to his own father , yes ( said he ) but i believe you are more beholding to your mother to chuse you such a father , then to your father to chuse you such a mother . a gamester borowed five pound of a gentleman , and lost it at play ; thereupon he sent to borrow five pound more by this token , that he owed him already five pound ; pray ( said the gentleman ) bid your master send me the token , and i 'le send him the five pound . a gallant standing in a maze , a lady askt him what he was thinking on , he said of no think ; what do you think on ( said she ) when you think on nothing ? faith , sayes he , then i think on you and the inconstancy of your sex. a gentleman having been abroad in the fields , came hungry home and call'd for his dinner , sir , said his man it is early day 〈◊〉 , the clock having but just now struck ten ; pish , sayes he , don't tell me of ten by the clock , when it hath struck twelve by my stomack . some gentlemen in a tavern wanting attendance , one took the pint pot , and threw it down stairs ; presently up came a quart ; then he flung the quart down , and up came a pottle ; is it so , said the gentleman ? then i will have one throw more , and so flung the drawer down stairs , saying , i will see whether thou wilt come up double too . a handsome wench , and very gentile in habit , was brought by a constable before a justice late at night ; the justice finding no matter of fact , onely bare suspition , in favour of her , bid the constable take her home to his house for that night ; that i shall do sir , says he , if your worship will be pleased to comm●t my wife till the morning . a soldier being quartered at a gun , an unhappy shot came in at the port-hole and took off his leg ; as he lay looking about him he saw his leg lye at some distance from him , prithee ginner ( said he ) take it up , and clap it into the gun , and send it among those roguing dutch , that it may kick their arses for the injury they have done its master . the same man had the fortune to loose in the following engagment , not only the other leg , but both his armes , as he was carying down to the chyrurgeon he called to his captain , sir , said he , if you live and i live , pray tell his majesty ; that he hath a faithful subject , who in his service hath lost both his arms and legs , so that he is incapable to serve him further , however he hath left a loyall heart , which shall ever pray for the welfare of his majesty . a tradesman one morning going out about some business , wanted a pin for his band , the indulgent wife hearing that , ran to him very officiously , and joyning her belly close to his , was a great while about his collar , by which means she observed some erection more then ordinary , and thereupon pulls off his band , and takes him by the shoulder , saying , you are in a fit condition to go abroad in , are you not ? come come along with me , and so brought him up stairs into her bed-chamber , where having staid a while , she came down with him , saying , you may now husband go where you please , you need not be ashamed , for you know i have drest you like a civil man. a doctor in a coffee-house talking of many things , happened at last to averr , that all bitter things were naturally hot ; not so mr. doctor , said a stander by ; why so , said the doctor ? why i 'le appeal to all that the learned phisicall authors , ancient and modern , from noahs time to this present , who all say the quallity of bitter things is hot ; how will it hold with this then mr. doctor said the other ? and i must appeal to experience , that in a hard frost we say it is bitter sharp weather , from whence i gather all bitter things are not hot . the same man a little time after , in a coffee-house hearing a mercer bounce , that he had all sorts of stuff what ever in his shop ; nay that i don't believe said this gentleman ; for in your whole shop and ware-house , i don't think you can show me a pattern of kitching stuff . sirrah , said a gentleman , if thou drawest me good wine for my mony , then thou art fitter to draw then to hang , but if thou drawest me bad wine for my good mony , then thou art fitter to hang then draw . a person one sa●both day , and that very lately , went to the queens chappel more out of curiosity then devotion , who having tired himself with the observation of romish ceremonies , he went out of the chappel , and seeing bills affixed to the pillars , drew near , and as he was reading to himself , a matron like woman in very good apparel came to him , and askt him what he read , mistress said he , this bill signifies that a person being sick , desires to be pray'd for by such as come hither , what is it i pray , said this old gentlewoman , [ pretending deafness , and gathering up closer to him ] it is , said he , as aforesaid , speaking lowder . the third time she askt him the same question , saying , sir , excuse me , i am very deaf , pray speak a little lowder , which he did to satisfie her , by this time she pickt his pocket , and having so done , she dropt him a low curtsy , saying , i hear you now sir , i give you many thanks , for you have given me good satisfaction , and so went her way out to his great dissatisfaction , when he came home , he could not find one cross in his pocket . at that time when there was an act that canary should be sold for eighteen pence a quart , a gentleman in a tavern called for a pint of that wine , the drawer brought up the pint not full by one fourth ; what mean you by this said the gentlenman ? why , is it not full said the drawer ? no said the other not by one fourth , sir , it was full i can assure you when i was in the collar ( quoth the drawer ) but to tell you the truth , as i came running up ●stumb●dion an act of parliament , and so spilt what you see is wanting . one being desired to eat some oysters , refused for these reasons , first they were ungodly meat , because they were ea●en without saying grace ; unchristian meat , because they were eaten a live ; uncharitable meat , because they left no off●ll to the poor ; and unprofitable meat , because most commonly there was more spent upon them then they cost , and by their means more spent otherwise , then they and the reckoning amounted too . a young gentleman wanting a sum of mony , went to a scrivener , desiring him to lend him an hundred pound privately , that it might not come to his fathers ear ; the scrivener promised all the secrecy imaginable ; the gentleman receiving the money , and going to seal the bond , read the first line , which was , know all men by these presents , that j. f. gent. do owe unto , &c. said the young gentleman , are not you a damned rogue ; who for the future will believe you , since you promised none should know my debt ? and yet you say , know all men by these presents , &c. a carter chanced to overturn his cart far from any assistance , so that the poor fellow was forced to stand by , till he could find somebody coming that way , that might help him , at length a parson came , and thinking to put a joke on the poor carter , said , how now carter , what , i see thou hast killed the devil ; yes in faith master , quoth he , and i have waited two hours for a parson to bury him ; and now you are come very seasonably . a lancashire man passing by the watch at ludgate , they stopt him ; but he would not be stopt , for he was in hast : they still detaining him , he askt them what they were ? the watch , said they ; the watch , quoth he , what watch you for ? the king , said they ( meaning the kings watch ) for the king , quoth he , then by my troth i can bring very good witness that i am no such a man ; for i'es een billy noddy's son of lancashire . a porter coming home one night , complained of the many burdens he carried that day , the woman ( though but plain , yet very handsome ) replyed , well husband , and i bear my share of burdens too , though not so heavy ; le ts be content , for as we share in the profit , so we will reap the pleasure on 't . a gentleman being newly trimmed , the barbor left only some hairs on his upper lip ; visiting a gentlewoman she innoently said , sir , you have a beard above , and none below ; and you says he madam , have a beard below and none above , say you so says she , then put one against t'other . a young bucksome baggage with a candle in her hand , was set upon by a hot spurr , who by all means must have about with her , but she vowed if he medled with her , she would burn him ; will you so ( sayes he ) i 'le try that , and thereupon blew out the candle , thinking himself safe from the threat , however not long after he found she was as good as her word . a travellor in a cold frosty night , coming to his inn , he stood so near the kitchen fire , that he burnt his boots ; which the turn-spit boy seeing ; said , sir , you will burn your spurs presently ; my boots thou meanest boy ; no sir , said he , they are burned already . one said , i hear your wife is quick already , yes says he , a pox on her she is very nimble , for i have been married to her but a month , and she is ready to lye down : well , since it is so , i will go and instead of buying one cradle , i will buy half a score , for i can't have less then ten children in a twelve month , if she holds on as she begins . a shoomaker thought to mock a cobler being black , saying , what news from hell ? how fares the devil ? faith , says the cobler , he was just riding forth as i came thence , and pulling on his boots , he complained grievously that he was in the shoomakers stocks , and desired me to send him a shoomaker to widen his boots , and draw them on for him . an arch country fellow haveing been at london , upon his return was askt by his shee neighbour , what news he heard there , news ( quoth he ) all the news that i heard was , that there was a great press out for cuckolds ; is there so ( said she ) then to aviod the worst my hu●band shall not stir out of doors , till the press be over . a light house-wife married one whose name was not , whom she cuckold and buried , at her death these verses were made on her , not a maid , not a wife , not a widow , not a wh●re , she was not these , and yet she was all four . one saying that a married woman had no power to make a will , in troth said another it would be better for men , if they had the priviledge to make a will when they die , then for them to usurp a prerogative of having their wills all the days of their life . a gentleman pretending to have a a great desire to marry , askt advice of a friend concerning so weighty a matter ; a mad hec. of the town hearing thereof , sent him these lines , i know not whether designedly to divert him from marriage , or to show his own ( a la mode ) aversion to it . out of ●t●rk love , and errant devotion , of marriage . i 'le give you this galloping notion . 't is bane of all business , the end of all pleasure , consumption of youth , wit , virtue , and treasure . 't is the rack of our thoughts , night mare of our sleeps , that calls us to work before the day peeps ; commands to make brick without stubte or straw , for a c — hath no sense , nor conscience , or law , if you must be for flesh , take the way that is noble , in a generous wench there is nothing of trouble . you come on , you go off , say , do what you please , and the worst you can fear is but a disease , and diseases you know may hope for a cure , but the pain of being married who can it endure . a married man of good note got a wench with child , and was told by the justice that he thought a man of his repute would not have offered to defile his marriage bed ; you mistake sir , said he , there was no defiling of the bed in the matter , for it was done in the field . being accused afterwards by his wife for going into his maids bed ; you mistake sweet-hart , said he , t is no such matter , for she likes the sport so well , that she saves me that labour . a gentleman faln to decay shifted where he could , amongst the rest , he visited an old acquaintance , and stayed with him seven or eight days , in which time the man began to be weary of his guest , and to be rid of him feighned a falling out with his wife , by which means there fare was very slender : the gentleman perceiving there drift , but not knowing whether to go to better himself , told them he had been there seven days , and had not seen any falling out betwixt them before ; and he was resolved to stay fourteen days longer but he would see them friends again . a gentleman going home late , met with the watch , who bade him come before the constable , approaching near ; which is the constable , said he ; i am the constable said mr. not ; the gentleman knowing him by name , ( though little otherways ) said , you are not the constable sir , but i am said the other ; i say you are not the constable ; because said the other you say i am not the constable , you shall find i have power to commit you to the counter , as he was going the gentleman turned back , and said , pray mr. not , and not the constable , let me go home to my lodging ; mr. not was so well pleased with the quibble , that he sent him home with a couple of watchmen . one having let a farme by word of mouth to a tennant that much abused the same , it so nettled him , that he vowed he would never after that let any thing again without a writing ; his wife over-hearing the vow , good husband ( quoth she ) recall your words , or else you must have a writing for every fart you let . a physitian was wont to say when he met any friend , i am glad to see you well , in troth sir , said one , i think you but dissemble , for the world always goes ill with you , when it goes well with your friends . a discreet staid gentleman being accidentally in a crowd , got a broken pate , one seeing it , said , see what a suddain change there is in yonder gentleman , it was not long since he was lookt upon staid , sober , and discreet , and now he hath gotten a running head . one said that the king of spain was the greatest potentate of the whole universe , for he sack● more cities and countrys , then all other princes besides . we from spains monarch , as all merchants know , have our canary , and stout maligo . thus doth he sack each city , town , and village , for which the vintners do our purses pillage . a lawyer being sick made his will , and gave away his estate to lunatick , frantick , and mad-people , being askt why he did so , he answered , that from such he received it , and to such he would give it again . a farmer growing very rich , was knighted , hereupon his wife made her self as fine as a lady ; which one observing , said , that the farmers worship was much to blame in spoiling a good-wife , to make a mad-dam . a knight having three sons , and not so great an estate as to settle any thing on his younger son , told him that necessity forced him to bind him apprentice , and bid him choose his trade ; the lad being ingenious told his father he would be a tanner ; why that nasty trade says he ? o sir replied the son , considering the slenderness of your estate it is most suitable to my condition , for three hides will set me up : what hides are those says the father ? sir ( says he ) yours and my two elder brothers . a pretender to poetry , was rehearsing some verses to one , which he said he made betwixt high-gate and london , as he was riding on a lame jade , truly said the other you needed not to have told me that , for i know by your hobling verses what disease your horse was troubled with . a gentleman one night very late , or early in the morning , and half ●udled , yet had wit enough , was called before the constable , who askt him where he was going , he replyed he could not tell ; then said the constable you shall go to the counter ; look you there said the gentleman , did i not tell you , i could not tell whither i was going , for did i know , whether you would let me go home , or send me to prison , for which conceit he was released . one said that no men had greater confidence in their country then thieves , because they durst put themselves upon it although they were hanged for their pains . an apprentice being a servant to a young married couple , observed every day after dinner , that his master and mistris went up into their bed-chamber ; being an arch rogue , he imagined what to do . a gentleman coming one afternoon , askt where his master and his mistris were ; i think ( said the boy ) my mistris is abroad , but i suppose my master is at home . a quaker coming to court to speake with the king about the lord knows what , past through the presence , and privy-chambers with his hat on , which some would have taken off , but the king bid them let him alone , whilst he was telling a long rible rable story , the king took an occasion to take off his own hat ; hereupon the quaker stopt , and said , o king thou maist be covered , if thou wilt . well ( says the king ) if i give you your liberty , i hope you will allow me mine . one seeing a lawyer riding on a dun-horse , look yonder ( says he ) is the devill upon dun. some gentlemen travelling , and coming near a town , saw an old woman spinning near a duckin-stool ; one to make the company merry , askt the good woman , what that chair was made for ? said she , you know what it is ; indeed , says he , i know not , unless it be the chair you use to spin in sometimes ; no no , said she , you know it to be otherwise : have you not heard that it is the cradle your good mother hath often lay● in . one was perswaded to adventure somthing at the lottery ; not i , said he , for none has luck at it but rank cuckolds : his wife standing by , perswaded him by all means for to venture ; for said she , i am certain then you will have very good luck . two gentlemen had all their life time been implacable enemies ; one of whom lying on his death-bed , thought of a way to be eternally revenged on the other ; whereupon he sent for him , and told him that he would make him his excecutor ; why me ( says he , ) since you ever hated me to death ? so i do still says t'other : but my reason is , because i think most excecutors go to hell , and i hope that thou wilt not be one of those that shall escape . a quaker having taken a room in an inne , a hector coming after , would needs have the room from him , swearing , damming , and sinking after a most damnable rate : but the other told him mildly it was his room , and by yea , and nay he should not come there ; the other thereupon struck him , which so provoked the old man in this stout quaker , that he repayed his blows with usury ; and at last kickt him down stairs : with that the master of the house sent up to know what was the matter ; nothing ( said one ) but that yea and nay hath kickt god damme down stairs . a citizen coming into ludgate , saw an old acquaintance of his there confin'd : lord , tom , says he , how cam'st thou hither ? he replyed , a blind man might have come thither as well as he , for he was led thither betwixt two , who would not suffer him to goe any other way . a lady found fault with a gentleman dancing ; saying , that he stradled too much : madam ( said he ) if you had that betwixt your legs that i have betwixt mine , you would straddle much wider . some blades being merry together ; one said that all the women in such a town were accounted whores ; a mad fellow hereupon swore he believ'd so , for his mother , and his three sisters were born there . a fellow going in the dark , held out his arms to defend his face ; coming against the door which stood outright , he run his nose against the edge thereof ; whereupon he cryed out , hey day , what a pox is the matter , my nose was short enough just now , and is it in so short a time grown longer then my arms. one said nothing was more valiant then the collar of a taylors shirt , being askt the reason , because ( said he ) every morning it hath a thief by the neck . one seeing a drawer drunk , said , that the wine was even with him ; for he had pierced the wines hogs-head , and the wine had pierced his . two jesuits sitting in a coffee house , told a great many forreign storys , which a gentleman , and a great traveller fitting by , knew to be notorous lyes , but contradicted them not ; but told one of his own making , which was , that now is to be seen at s. albans , a stone trough , which that saint kept a long time to preserve water for his necessary use , and that ever since , if swine should eat any thing out of it , they would dye instantly ; the jesuits hearing this , resolved the next day to ride and see this holy relict : coming to st. albans , they found no such matter ; and returning home , taxt the gentleman with telling such an untruth , saying , they had taken pains to ride and see it , but found no such thing : gentlemen ( said he ) i thought you had been more civill ; you told me the other night a hundred palpable lyes , and i went not about to disprove you , and i told you but one , and you by your own confession , have rid twenty miles to do it . a landlord askt his tenant how many children she had ; three said she ; two of them , will and tom. are pretty boys , but diggory is a great loggerheaded lout , and in troth landlord , methinks , he looketh as like you , as if he was spit out of your mouth . some thieves met with a man , and robb'd him of all he had , then bound him and layd him in a wood : a little after they met another , and served him in like manner , and laid him not far from the other ; the first cryed out , i 'me undone i 'me undone ; the other hearing him say so , desired him to come and undoe him too , since he was undone himself . says one , dogs concurr , steeples conspire , wheels converse , lawyers contend , foxes consent , miners condiscend , women conceive , apple-mongers consider , milstones contrive , rope-makers concord , scriveners condition , faggoters combine , jaylors confine , sick-men consume , drumms convene , commanders conduct , great men controul , mourners condole , clouds condense , scholars convince , counsellors conceal , country fellows conjobble , judges condemn , friars confess , victors conquer , traitors conjoin , friends confer , polititians consult , cutlers connive , proud men contemn , landlords confirm , and their tenants confarm ; bells convoke ; and thus for brevity i conclude . a young gentlewoman desired an excellent painter to draw her exactly as she was , a maid , and of the same stature , which he did according to her desire , excepting ( as she said ) that he had drawn her less then she was ; oh madam , said he , posterity would never believe my draught had i made you any taller , or so big , for 't is very rare in this age , to find a maid so big , and so tall . amongst some women that were chatting of their husbands : truly ( said one ) my husband is the liquorishest man in the world , for i had a small pot of honey sent me out of hampshire by a dear friend of mine , and i can no sooner turn my breech , but his nose will be in it . one friend complained to another of the loss of a wife by death , which was an honest woman , nay had she been honest ( said the other ) she would never have left thee . a lady of great quality had a female dwarf to attend on her , the excellency of whose features , and acuteness of wit , so engaged her ladies affection to her , that nothing could plead an equality or esteem within her breast , and fearing that death would too soon deprive her of this pretty little animal , one day she proposed to her a marriage , that thereby she might by the smalness of the issue , have her remembrance continued ; but all the ladies trouble consisted in this , that she knew not where to get an husband so little that would sit her ; madam , [ said she ] take you no ca●e for that , i have lately been in your ladiships cellar , and there i found casks of several sizes , viz. the great bellied hogs-head , the slender , yet long pipe , the little kilterkin , and the lesser ferkin , and yet observing their bungholes , i found them all much about an equal wideness . two persons coming from ireland , and landing at holy-head , the one of which was a doctor of hysick , very much crumpt-back , the other though a knight , yet his original was but a post-boy , riding on the road , the doctor being a very facetious man , observing this knight to ride a little too hard for him , called to him , saying , sir , not so fast i pray , you forget your self , for you are not riding post at this time ; the knight hereupon turning back , looking earnestly on him , replyed , what ever i have done , i am sure you have forgotten your self , for [ pointing to his back ] you might have delivered your portmantue to your man , and not carried the burthen your self . a country gentleman coming to london , and having never seen guild-hall before , was walking in it , strangely admiring that lofty , stately structure , adorned with the lively representations of these incomparable persons ; at jength he accosts one , whom he saw walking with less wonder , and askt him , what the name of the place was , and to what end it was erected , sir [ said he ] this edifice is vulgarly called yeeld-hall , where are kept three courts , the one at this end is a court where law is practised , but no conscience ; within there is a court where conscience is sometimes exercised , but no law ; and at the other end , in yonder nook , there is a court wherein is practised neither law nor conscience . a gentleman having drank claret exceeding hard at lambeth , and crossing the water , nodding as he slept , he chanced to tip over into the thames , his friends at the sight hereof were much concern'd , and bustled to get him up , one seeing the bustle that they made , said , let him alone , let him alone , there is no fear of his drowning , for he is too full of wine to admit any water . one demanding of another so much mony as was due to him , told him thus very angerly , sir , i protect i wont be thus baffled by you any longer , for if you wont pay me my money , and that presently , take it as you please , i 'le tare your bond before your face . there was a person lately , whom necessity prompt to address himself to one of the chief undertakers of the kings theatre ; a play was produced , and a great part thereof offer'd to this young man to read , who represented the humour so well , in a voice so tunable , and with words so well accented , that this ingenious gentleman was very well pleas'd with him , but viewing his face , which was much pock broken , squint-eyed , with features altogether discordant to the stage , said , i like thy voice , action , and body well , but what shall we do with that face of thine ? hearing another speak ill after long instruction , he swore he need not fear damnation , for he was confident he had no soul. a chyrurgion going in the street with more speed then ordinary , to visit a rich patient who had a dangerous swore leg , was met by a friend , who askt him where he was going in that great hast , t'other made answer , to get a brave gelding out of a gentlemans leg that was his patient . a soldier , who had lost one eye in the wars , married a young wench , whom he thought to find a maid , but found out on the nuptial night to be otherwise , being very angry with her , he askt her why she had so served him , to which she replyed , would you have me intire to you , when you are defective to me ; pray how come you to loose that eye , by my foes quoth he , then here lies the difference , [ said she ] i lost my maiden-head by a friend . of love . post visum risum , post risum venit in usum , post risum tactum post tacium venit in actum , post actum factum , post factum penitet actum , englished thus. we see , we laugh , and then to feeling come , then action clubs unto loves martyrdome . and when with blood-shed we the fort have wone , with hanging head we wish't had ne're been done . a stranger passing through the temple early , had a pispot discharged on his head ; in his amazement , one past by ; pray sir , said he , what place do you call this ? the temple said the other , and what is done here ? the other replyed , that young gentlemen studdy the law , i believe rather quoth he , they study physick , by their casting so much water ; and if i mistake not , they are a company of mad fellows too , for just now my head can testifie they threw their stools out of the windows . an old knight requested a favour of the king , but was denyed : thinking that the meanness of his habit , and bushiness of his beard was the cause of his ill success ; he went home , and having shaved all off , and drest himself a-la-mode with a flaxen perriwigg , re-addresed himself to his majesty concerning the same business ; his majesty perceiving the deceit , said to him , i would be glad to gratify your desire , but it is not long since i denyed it to your father , and it were unjust to grant the son what i denyed him . a fool to a nobleman having taken some distast , resolved on a revenge which had like to have cost him his life ; for he hid himself so long till he was almost starved : great search was made after him , but none could find him ; at length this expedient was thought on for his discovery ; there lived a fool not far , who usally came to visit this brother of his ; who coming according to custom , they told him his brother was lost ; lost quoth he , i 'le warrant you i 'le find him ; and thereupon went up and down every where , crying , i see yee , at length coming to a pise of faggots where this fool had hid himself , he cryed again , i see yee ; the other hearing him , started up and cryed , no but you don 't . a bakers boy going through a crowd of people with a peck loaf on his head , chanced to hit the face of a gentleman with the corner of the loaf : why , how now said the gentleman , can't you see you rude , unmannerly rascall ? you are mistaken ( said the boy ) don 't you see i am as well bread as your self . a very witty gentleman had the misfortune to loose his nose , i know not by what means ; and passing through fish-street , a fishmongers boy , and a very wagg , purposely threw some water on him , pretending to wash his fish ; hereupon the gentleman grew angry , and going into the shop , complains to the master of this affront ; the master askt his servant the reason why he did so , sir , said he , the gentleman blew his nose on the fish , and i only endeavoured to wash it off ; judge you master ( said the gentleman ) whether i can blow my nose , having lost the handle of my face . a meer scholar , and an idle fellow came to this gentleman to know whether he was qualified to be a player ; upon tryall he found him only a dull lump of flesh stuft with a parcel of learned words , without the ingredients of common sence and reason ; well young man ( said he ) all that i can say to thee is , that thou hast so much learning whipt into thee , that thou wilt be good for nothing till it is whipt out of thee again . one who all his life time was a great droll , and full of jokes , on his death-bed , was visited by an intimate friend , and a phys●n , who for some reasons , best known to himself , put his hand into the bed to feel the patients feet , the other perceiving his intent drew them up to him ; said the doctor , sir , where are your feet ? the patient replyed , mr. doctor , the proverb saith , after forty , either a fool , or a physician , and i think you are both , i pray where should my feet be but at the end of my legs ? a country bumpkin staring often in the sky in the night time , made this notable observation ; that there were not to be seen so many stars in the west as in the east ; this so troubled him , that he was resolved to find out the reason ; in order thereunto he frequently at night went into the fields , at last looking wistly to the west , he saw an exhalation fall ; by and by another ; then four or five together ; nay , then ( said he ) i shall cease to wonder that there be fewer stars in the west , then in the east , since so many fall every night . a gentleman in the late rebellious times , as he was walking in his chamber merrily amongst his friends , there came a musquet bullet through the window , and glancing against a marble chimny-piece , hit him on the head without any detriment , and fell at his feet , whereupon stooping , and turning the flatted bullet , he said , gentlemen , those formerly , who had a mind to flatter , were wont to say , that i had a good head-piece in my younger days : but if i do not flatter my self , i think i have a good head-piece now in my old age , for you see it is musket proof . one seeing a bare legged fellow running ; said , do you hear friend ? when those stockings are worn out i will give you a new pair ; you may save your self the charge sir , said he , for they have lasted me this thirty years without repair , and i question not but they will last me as much longer ; i have a pair of breeches likewise of the same stuff , and every whit as old , and yet you may see sir , there is but one small hole in them . another bumpkin coming to london , and staring about him , was at last pickt up by a spirit or kid-napper , and conveyed aboard a virginia man ; being out at see , he observed one of the mariners taking the height of a star with his jacobs-staff ; hereupon he stole privately behind him , looking over his shoulder , thinking he was shooting ; fixing his eye upon the staff , he observed the end of it pointed directly against a star , and presently thereupon a meteor fell ; gramercy man , faith ( quoth the country fellow ) i see thou art abrave marks-man , for i saw it fall , but i wonder what a devil thou did●t put in thy gun , that i could not hear when it went off . two passing through petty-coat lane , where at every door is fixt a large pair of horns ( the badge of their occupation ) says one , i wish every cuckold in london had such an one visible on his forehead , on condition i gave ten pounds for one my self ; i wonder ( said the other ) you are so profuse , to give so much for that you are already so plentifully stored with . one seeing the rump in council ; o strange , said he , what fine brave men are these ! i could willingly work for such as long as i lived : what trade are you said another ? why truly ( replyed he ) i am a rope-maker . a gentleman , none of the wisest , seeing a house very stately built , told the porter it was framed a-la-mode italian , and asked whether it was made in england , the porter observing his folly , said , no sir , it was made in florence , and brought hither by two turky merchants . a lord travelling in his coach , his horses tiring , he was constrain'd to take an inn , where being impatient of staying , his fool said , my lord , let us go before in the coach , and let the horses follow after . an old man being reproved for swearing , well says he , i am resolved against it ; and since i never swear but in my choler , i am resolved for the future alwayes to wear a doublet without one . a couragious captain just as he was about to ingage , was told by some , who had rather eat then fight , that the enemy was five times their number ; are they so said he , no whit dismayed ? i am very glad , for then there are enough to be killed , enough to be taken prisoners , and enough to run away . a boy untrussing a point by an hedge side , his foot slipping , fell down , and beshit his breeches , sirrah ( said a merry gentleman riding by ) are you not ashamed to make a fool of your breeches ; alas sir , ( said the boy ) you make a worse of your doublet to button up such a one in it . some comforting a fool lying on his death-bed , told him that f●ur proper fellows should carry him to church , i but ( quoth he ) i had rather by half go thither my self . a very knave deridingly askt a vertous gentleman what was honesty , what is that to you ( said he ) meddle with those things which concern you . a conceited pragmatical londonor travelling to goatam , met a poor fellow coming from thence , thinking to shew his wit , said , well met wiseman of goatam ; how far to the place of thy nativity ? i cannot deny ( said the poor fellow ) but that my country is a shame to me , but you proud londone●s are a shame to your country . my self , and another play'd at bowls in a bowling-ally in bunhil fields against two notable gamesters , mr. prick and mr. cunny , and were severely beaten ; my partner seeing the inequality of the match , cryed out , prick and cunny have been long enough together , 't is time to part them ; choosing again , they chanced to be together ; a pox or this prick and cunny ( quoth i ) they can't be kept asunder . a lady lifting her coats a little too high , discovered her legs above the calf ; a gentleman observing them , said , madam , you have a verry handsome pair of twins ; you are mistaken sir , ( said she ) for i have had own between them . a fat big bellyed gentleman , whose panch hung over the pummel of his saddle , riding through a lewd town , some cryed to him he was mistaken in carrying his port mantle before him ; to which he replyed , where should i place it safer , when i come amongst thieves , whores and rogues . one in a frosty morning going a shooting , desired the loan of some money from his friend , you have no need of money ( said the other merrily ) for if in any place you have anything to pay , you may leave your gun to discharge the shot . a merry facetious doctor being sent for to visit a gentleman that was dangerously ill , and almost blind to boot , sir , said his friend , how do you find him ? pish ( quoth the doctor ) he , nor you need not doubt of his recovery , he is already well enough if he could-see it . one askt another how he could take a kick of the arse so patiently , prithee ( said he ) because an ass kickt me , must i kick the ass again . a simple bumpkin yet wealthy enough , coming to london , was very much taken at the sight of a sedan , and bargained with the bearers to carry him to such a place . the sedan-men observing the curiosity of the clown , not sutable to the meanness of his habit , unhasped privately the bottom of the sedan , and then put him in , taking the sedan up , the country man stood on the ground with his legs , and as the bearers advanced , so did he ; and to make the better sport , if any place was dirtier in the way , then the rest , that they chose to go through . this man not knowing but others us'd to be so carried , or rather driven , coming to his lodging gave them their due hire , returning into the country , he related what rare things he had seen in london , and withal , that he had been carried in a sedan . a sedan quoth one ! what is that ? why it is ( said he ) like our watch-house , onely it is covered with leather , and were it not for the name of a sedan , one had as good go on foot . a gentleman swallowing unawares a spoonful of boiling hot custard ; let a rowsing fart ; to hide his shame with a jest , said he , i commend thee above the rest of thy fellows thou hast left behind for flying danger , for hadst thou staid , i had certainly skalded thee to death . a tall minister told a short one scoffingly , that he looked in a pulpit , like a short collar of brawn in a d●ep dish ; and you ( replyed the other ) look like a long pestle in a shallow mortar . one gentleman observing another take tobacco excessively , called him a foul tobacco pipe ; the other readily told him he was a dinted quart pot ; the strangeness of the metaphor striking in his mind , made him urgent to know the reason , because ( said he ) you seem to have more in you then you have . if i were unmarried said one , i should quickly marry again ; marry then ( quoth the other ) you would still be in the same lock . a barber ( not the wisest of his profession ) having trimed a doctor at night , had a candle put in his hand at the stair head to light him down ; haveing so done , he brought it up again , and returning thanks , went a way in the dark . a tallow chandler dying , one said , it was strange that he who made so many weeks , could make his days no longer . a west country lad , better fed then taught , was sent by his father with a groat to loo , a small town in cornwell , to buy a hake ; upon his return , his father met him with the fish : how now jack , what did the hake-vish cost thee ? guess vather ; why a groat zon ; a groat quoth he : i hil tell thee vather , take the grey mare and zaddle'un and ride to loo , and buy zuch a hake-vish for a groat , i hill give the leave to kiss my arse . i see you do all under colour ( said the glazier to the painter seeing him at work ) go your ways for a rogue , replyed he , you are alwayes picking quarrels . the same lump of ill manners sitting by the fire side , was very eager with his father to gape or yawn ; which he refused ; whereupon the indulgent and discreet mother , cryed , prythee yawnee , since the child will have thee yawnee , why then chill yawnee quoth he ; the son seeing that , cryed out , mother , mother , look yonder ; is not that a vine oven to bake a ●urd in ? a farmer having placed his son in the temple to study the law , came up to london to see how he did ; coming to his chamber , he found in the key-hole of the door , a note with these words , i am gone to the devil , the poor man strangly startled , cryed out , ah my dear child , have i brought thee up so tenderly , took so much pains for thee , and at last should be so unhappy , as to cause thee to study that , which sent thee to the devil so speedily . one that had too great and good an opinion of himself , ●t his friend what others thought of him ; why [ replyed he ] you appear to the wise , foolish , to fools , wise , what do you think of your self ? one told a gentlewoman , whorish and barren , that she was very fruitfull ; how can that be sir , [ said she ] since i never had any children ? that 's nothing , madam , [ said he ] nevertheless you bear many . a gentleman being a great distance from his own house , and having very urgent reasons for his speedy return , rid post , having supt , and being in bed with his wife , he said , dearest , excuse me to night that i pay not that tribute due to our loves ; for i am so weary that i am uncapable of doing any thing but sleep : these words were none of the most pleasant you may think to a young sanguine gentlewoman , after a long absence of a lusty , husband . not long after , walking in his back-yard with his wife in his hand , he chanced to see a cock [ he took great delight in ] siting in the sun asleep , rejecting the society of his fruitful wives : prythee sweet heart [ said he ] what ails my cock , that he thus hangs the head , and follows not the hens ? indeed i do not know husband [ said she ] unless he hath lately ridden post . an ignorant country fellow , having as he thought , bestowed some learning on his son , would needs place him at the university and to see it done , goes with him ; as they were sitting in the kitchin , the youth espyed a long kettle amongst the rest , pray father [ says he ] what is that kettle for ? introth son [ said he ] i never saw such a one in all my life before ; but i suppose it is that when they would have two several broths , they put the fish in one end , and the flesh in the other : the boy hearing this , makes answer , o the devil lye you father . it being left to the choice of a gentlewoman , which she would have of two suiters , a tall man , or a short one , which were both liked of her parents ; pawsing a while , i would have [ said she ] that lusty long man , if all things are proportionable . one said , a covetous man was never satisfied ; why so [ said his friend ] because [ replyed he ] he thinks nothing enough . why then [ said the other ] he is satisfied with the least , if nothing be enough for him . a notable merry soldier finding a louse one day on his sleeve , walking to and fro for the benefit of the fresh air , took him between his fingers , and said , sirrah , take notice , if i ever catch you out of your quarters again , you shall die , and so put him into his coller . a captain in the last expedition against the hollander , having lost an eye by a splinter , the other ever after was distempered , and continually water'd ; a merry friend of his askt him one day why that eye which was left , wept so much ? alas [ said he ] how should it do otherwise , having lately lost his only brother and constant companion . two men walking through a church-yard , one of them affirmed , that hell was nothing else but a grave , for shoal in the hebrew , signifies the grave , though it is translated hell ; the other having lately buried there a shrewd curst wife , pointing to her grave , said , then one of the greatest devils in hell lies there . one was jesting with his maid-servant , who was passably handsom , but very lean ; saying , i wonder jane thou art no fatter , thou dost eat thy meat heartily , but dost not thrive upon it ; thy mistress eats not the forth part of what thou dost , and yet you see how plump she looks ; to which she replyed i only eat at set meals , but my mistress hath her strong broths before dinner , and her warm jellies after dinner , and puts more into her belly then you or i ever saw , or heard of . a rich citizen had a profuse extravagant to his son , who so angered his father , that he vowed he would give all he had to the poor ; in a little time this son , with dice and box , whores and pox , had spent all ; whereupon he told his father , that he might now give all his estate to him , and not violate his vow , for he could not give it to one poorer then himself . a little boy sitting with his grandmother , by the fire side in the winter time , as she lifted up her coats to warm her thighs ; he espyed somthing between her legs , and would fain know what it was ; it is [ said she ] a rabbet-skin , that your mother brought me from market ; what , and have you burnt a hole in 't cranny ? [ says he ? ] an ignorant old fellow hopping from his stall into the pulpit , instead of saying , the priest offered up a pair of doves for apeace offering , read he offered up a pair of gloves with a piece of fringe . at another time he took his text [ being much in dept , ] have patience with me , and i will pay you all ; having largely and learnedly treated of the vertue of patience , especially in forbearing our deptors here ; but of the rest [ said he ] when god shall enable me . the reader being sick , he was forced to officiate in his place , and resolving to give some of the grandees a rub , who had offended him , he turned to that psalm wherein are these words , man without understanding is like the beast that perisheth , instead thereof , reads man without understanding , is like the best of the parish . a gentleman reprehended a lawyer for tarrying so long in the country from his wife , who had a fame so tempting , saying , that in his absence she might want due benevolence . that 's nothing said the lawyer , i will give her use at my return for her forbearance : besides sir , put the case that any one owed you fifty pounds , whether would you have it altogether , or shilling by shilling ? it is true [ said the other ] one would rather have ones money altogether ; yet it would vex you , if in your absence your wife should want a shilling , and she be forced to borrow it . a gentleman that was bald pated took great delight in hunting ; one day he came hastily into his friends chamber , [ being serious at his study ] and askt him if he would go and find a hare : pish [ said the other ] let me alone , let them go and find hairs that have lost them . in the kingdom of ireland a nobleman having an irish man to his footman , sent him four or five miles on a message , charging him to return by suh an hour , the footman went in all haste ; but in his return his brogue wanted mending , which caused him not to return according to the time ; his master being angry , demanded the reason of his tarrying ; by my soul [ quoth he ] i did stay but while i had a heel-piece set upon my toe . a country woman sent her daughter to a lady with a present of ripe meddlers , well-bred said that her mother had sent her worship some ripe meddlars , that were as soft as bran , but if she did not eat them quickly , they would not be worth one fart , for they were already as rotten as a turd , the lady being offended at this wenches rude behavior , resolved to tell her mother , meeting her one day after , and having thankt her for her present ; she advised to teach her daughter more manners ; ah ( replyed she , ) let me do what i will , i cannot mend her ; and notwithstanding i have taught her from time to time , how she should behave her self , yet she hath no more manners then there is in mine a●se . a country parson having bitterly inveyed against the vices of his parishioners in his sermon ; a silly woman that was present , went to his mother that lived hard by to complain of him , saying , that her son had threatned them all with hell and damnation , if they did not speedily amend ; for my part i have lived above threescore years , and was never told so much before , neither will i be taught now by one , and i am old enough to be his grandmother . o said his mother he was a lyer from his cradle , i never whipt him but for telling an untruth , and you are mad if you believe him now . an ignorant prating host had bargained with a humerous painter for the sign of st. george and the dragon , whilst he was at work , his host being importunate with the painter to draw st. george with a dreadful killing countenance , repeating this request over and over again , which so madded the painter , that leaving his work said , mine host , either be silent , and leave your babling , or the devil take my wife , if i do not make the dragon kill st. george . a welsh-man riding with a charge of mony behind him , was set upon by a thief , who bade him deliver immediately ; or [ drawing a pistol ] said , he would make it bounce through him ; says her so , said the welshman , why then her had better give her money , that is her masters , and spare her life , that is her own , and there upon delivered . now pray sir , said the welshman , since her hath her money , let her hear one pounce for it ; for her never heard the pounce of a cun. the good natured thief , to satisfy the curiosity of the welshman , [ whom he lookt on as a very silly fellow ] discharged his pistol , which ecchoed in many places , cuds splutter nails [ said the welshman ] it was a gallant pounce , and there was many little pounces too ; good her vrship let her have one pounce more for her money , and her will be satisfied : so the thief discharged the other ; at which the welshman seem'd better pleased then before , and askt if he had no more pounces ; no said the thief , i have no more . no [ said the welshman ] then her has one pounce in store , which her will make pounce through her immediately if her deliver not her money back presently , and so forced the thief to redeliver . an arch roguish fellow one day got together a parcel of rams-horns , and putting them in a basket , went up and down london streets in the month of march , crying , six pence a pound fair cherrys , six pence a pound fair cherrys ; many called to him ; amongst the rest , a hosier in cheap-side , who seeing what ware he had in his basket , laught at him , saying , thou fool , who dost think will buy thy horns ? oh sir ( said he ) though you are provided , yet i may meet with some that are not . a drunken young heir , who had sold all his lands to maintain his lusts , when by a surfeit he fell into a dangerous distemper , sent for a phisician , who understanding his disease , caused him to be let blood ; sometime after looking on the blood ; sir ( said he ) your blood is very green : alas replyed the young heir , how can it be otherways , i have drank and eaten all my corn-fields and meadows . one mr. holland got his landladies maid with child whose name was nell cotton ; whereupon one wittily said , that he gave her a yard of holland , she gave him an ell of cotton , and what harm was there in all this . a poor cripple being askt by a gentleman why he married a blind woman , because [ said he ] we shall agree the better , for neither can hit each other in the teeth with one anothers infirmity . a rich farmer dying intestate , his son came up to london to take out letters of administration of his estate ; but being ignorant of the customs and terms belonging to the spiritual courts , he went first to an acquaintance of his , telling him , that his father dyed detestate , leaving onely him , and three or four small infidels , and therefore he was devised to come up to london to a councellour of the law , that he might by him be put in a way how to diminish the estate . a conceited person after he had writ several verses in praise of his mistress , beginning first with her head , and so proceeding upon every member down to her feet , missing no part but her neck ; o [ said one ] there is a great reason for that , he reserves the neck-verse for himself ; knowing ●e shall have occasion for it hereafter . a very simple fellow , walking in the fields alone , came to a ditch , and p●using a while ; now tom [ said the ] what dost think , canst leap over this ditch or no , troth [ said he to himself ] i can't tell , but if thou wilt johnson [ which was his sur-name ] i will lay the five shillings i do ; a match , and presently takeing a good run , with the advantage of the banck , he leaped quite over . ah! boys [ said he ] i have wou , but now johnson , wilt thon lay another , thou canst not leap back again ? faith that 's very difficult ; but hang it i have won a crown , and i will venter it that i do ; then taking a run as before , he leapt just in the middle , up to the waste in mire and water ; and crawling out on the other side , hang it [ says he ] i don't much care , i have neither won nor lost . an ignorant clown , who had the reputation of being a great scholar in the country , because he could wright and read , would not be satisfied till he saw the rarities of london : walking the streets , he read on a sign-post , here are horses to be let . jesu [ quoth he ] if there are so many horses in one inn , how many are there then in all this city ? a gentleman [ who never had the least acquaintance with wounds ] in a tavern skirmish received a small scratch with a sword , who instantly made a hideous noise for a chyrurgeon : f. m. was sent for , who presently perceiving the fright was greater then the hurt , pretended notwithstanding [ for sports sake , ] great danger , and therefore bid his man withall possible speed to run and fetch him such salve , why [ quoth the gentleman ] is the wound so dangerous ? oyes , [ answered this witty chyrugeon ] for if he returns not the sooner , the wound will heal of it self , and so i shall lose my fee. a petulant doctor of physick lay in a house , where there lived a maid ignorant enough , but extreamly handsome , fresh out of the country ; this doctor used all means immaginable to win her to a venereal compliance , but nothing would prevail , neither fair words , nor large presents ; resolving to accomplish his design some way or other , he thought of this stratagem ; looking one day very seriously ( and seemingly sorrowful ) in her countenance , alas poor betty [ said he ] and must i now lose thee ? what do you mean sir , said she ? i will tell thee , replyed the doctor , before it go too far : thou art breeding of eggs : how can that be quoth she , very easily said he , and thereupon so subtilly invaded her belief with i know not what stuff , neatly wrapt up in fine words , that she verily believed i● , and askt him how she must be cured ; said the doctor , come to my chamber after dinner , and i will endeavour to cure thee ; thanking him , she promised she would , and was as good as her word ; the doctor had somthing to do at first , to get her to lie down , saying , that her eggs must be broken , or she could not be cured ; but at length she yielded , and with his natural probe he searcht her grief three or four times ; having so done , he told her , that though he had broken some , yet there were more to break , and therefore bid her come again to morrow ; which she did , and so he did as before ; she now liked the manner of her cure so well , that she came of her own accord , till the doctor growing weary , told her that her eggs were now all broken ; not so mr. doctor , i am sure said she , for there are at least two or three to break still ; well says the doctor , i'●e break them , and it is a cure : having so done , she went a way well satisfied ; a little while after her mistress seeing her puke up and down in every place , askt her what was the matter ; indeed mistress said she i know not , unless i am breeding of more eggs ; what do'st mean , quoth her mistress ? why forsooth ( said she ) a little while a goe i was with egg , and certainly i had dyed , if our good doctor had not cured me , by breaking of them ; hey day , sure the wench is mad , quoth her mistress : no but i am not said the maid , for i am sure on 't for when he broke the eggs , i saw the whites . a country man having never seen a ship , came to the custome-house-key ; where seeing so many wonders , he chanced to ask a dutchman what that was called , pointing to a great ship ; ich queet neet ; and what do you call that , said he pointing to a less : ich queet neet , said he again ( that is , i understand not ) hey day ( said the country fellow ) are there great queet neets , and little queet neets too ? being afterwards informed it was called a ship ; he askt how old it was ? it is two years old said one , how ( said the fellow ) and so bigg already ? lord what a huge masty thing it will be by that time it is as old as i am . a gentleman that lived in ireland was askt by another that had never seen the country , what kind of women there were in ireland , sir , said he , the women are generally straight , clear skinned , and well proportioned , but that their middles are a little to bigg , for want of swathing when young ; i ; said the other , and i have heard that their leggs are monstrously bigg too , pish , said he , we lay them aside . a conceited pragmatical , coming into a mixt company , talked incessantly ; and to show his wit and learning , singled out one whose countenance promised little , yet an excellent scholar , and askt him many frivolous questions , which he answered very slightingly , or replyed to them nor at all , this pragmatico grew to that impertinence as to ask him , whether he had ever learned his grammer ? yes , said he , i have read despauters ; to try you said the other , his second rule is this , esto faeminium recepit qu● faemina tantum . now said he , mater , cujus generis , ( mother , what gender is it ) to which the other replyed , mater si mea sit est faeminini generis , si tua est communis ; mother , if mine is the feminine , if thine the common . one seeing on a coffee sign written , here is coffee and mum to be sold , said it was good ryme ; how can that be said the other ? why thus said he , here is coffee and mum to be sold . a young gentleman being much addicted to play , was sharply rebuked for it by his relations , and that availing little , a minister was sent to him , who told him , that play , or gameing was the worst of vices ; nay , there you are out , said the other , for it is a remedy against all vices ; and particularly against the seven deadly sins ; for how can you call him a covetous man , that can't indure to keep his money in his pocket ? or how can you call him a luxurious , who is content to lose his sleep and victuals , if he had an oportunity to play ? how can you call him cholerick , when he is the patientest man living when not out-hectored ? how can you call him a glutton or drunkard ? when he shall not spair that money from play , that will purchase a good dinner with a bottle of wine ? how can he be said to be slothful and negligent , when his hands and feet are alwayes inaction ? the one beating the hoof through the whole town , to get employment for the other ; lastly , how can he be said to be a proud man , when having lost five pound among gentlemen , he will condescend to play for brass farthings with apprentices . a gentleman possessed with an extraordinary good nature , lent another forty shillings for his good company's sake , never expecting a return , knowing his inability . after the loan of this money , this ingrateshun'd the society of his creditor ; and if he saw him in the streets , straight hastned another way ; which this gentleman took notice of , one time seeing him , he made after him ; and catching him by the arm , said ; why shun you me , was i not your friend , wherein have i disobliged you , that i should not be so still ; if the dept hath made any difference , i forgive it you , and assure your self i will not hazard the loss of my friends in like manner for the time to come . one reading a witty preface before a foolish book , said , he very much admired , they should come to be so matched together , in troth sir [ said another ] they may be very well matched together , for they are nothing of kin . a very honest and prudent gentleman had the ill fortune to marry a wife a grain too light ; one day returning home , he went up the stairs , and found his chamber door open , entring , he caught his wife and the adulterer ( who were so intent upon their sport that they minded nothing else ) in the very act ; the gentleman seemingly unmov'd , said , wife , wife , indeed you don't do well to expose your own and my reputation thus to the hazard of being lost by carelessness : sure in a business , that so nearly concerns us both , you might have shut the door ; i pray consider , what if any one else had come and caught you in this posture ; and so went and left them ; the mildness of this reproof so effectually wrought upon this woman , that she ever after abhorred the thought of enjoying any other man but her husband . mr. field , that was but an under-graduate ; meeting doctor collins , saluted him thus , salve colendissime collins , to which he replyed , salve ager tolende . a captain ( whom i shall forbear to name ) in the last engagment against the duch , had his arm shot off within three inches of his shoulder ; as he was dressing , he fell a laughing ; one standing by , askt him the reason , why ( said he ) i can't but think of a wish that i have often made , viz. that my p — were as long as my arm , and now introth so it is . a frenchman that spoke very broken english , bespoke a dish of fish , being on the table & seeing but little pepper , by the corruption of his pronunciation , he called for more piss instead of spice , the woman took away the dish , and did as she thought he bid her , and brought it in again ; i say , said he , a little more piss , with that she carried it out and her daughter pist upon it , and then brought it in ; but he still cryed a little more piss ; well sir , said she , i will warrant you shal have enough now , and then carried it to her maid , a straping girle , but the frenchman was still unsatisfied , and cryed out for more piss , well sir , let me tell you , i , my daughter , and maid-servant have all pist as much as we can upon it , and if that will not satisfy you , even piss upon it your self . a notable joking man lying sick on his death bed , left out his wife in his will , her friends hearing thereof , came and prest him to leave his wife somewhat more then the custom of the city will allow her ; i will said the sick man , send presently for a scrivener , for i am just upon departing ; the scrivener being come , he said , write , i leave my wife ah , ah , ah ; oh he is dying said his wife apace ; i do ( said the sick ) i say , i leave my wife , alas , alas , alas , come pray sir said the scrivener , what do you leave your wife ; why then , i say , i leave my wife the greatest c in christendom . two comedians acting upon the stage the parts of servingmen ; one askt the other to go drink , whither shall we go said one ; the other replyed ( espying a fellow groping a wench in the gallery ) let us go to the hand in placket ; thereupon the fellow sneakt away his hand ; which the other perceiving , cryed out ; ●ay friend , if you remove the sign , we shall hardly find the house . a person not belonging to the colledge , put in his horse in a field thereunto appertaining ; being warned of so doing , and he taking no notice thereof , the master of that colledge sent his man to him , bidding him say , if he continued his horse there , he would cut off his tail : say you so said this person ? go tell your master , if he cuts off my horses tail , i will cut off his ears ; the servant returning , told his master what he said , whereupon he was sent back to bring the person to him ; who appearing , said the master , how now sir , what mean you by that menace you sent me ? sir ; ( said the other ) i threatned you not , for i only said , if you did cut off my horses tail , i would cut off his ears , not yours sir , but my horses . one having got the drunken hiccock by drinking aqua celestis , rosa solis , aqua angelica , and the like , this it is [ says he ] to be too forward in understanding such latine as these waters are call'd by , that a man must afterwards be put to declin nouns with the articles hic , hoc , when he hath not english enough to bring himself to bed . one seeing a scholar that lookt very much asquint , sure ( said he ) this man must be more learned then his fellows , for with one cast of his eye he can read both sides of the book at once . one that had a very great head like a great thick rin'd orange , but no juice within it , was reprehended for speaking 〈◊〉 well ( said he ) it is not for want of ●gnorance that 〈◊〉 se●k nonsence . a son of a whore , and a son for a whore , was boasting one day in company what a brave fellow he was , calling the rest cuckoldly bastards , i am sure ( said he ) i am no son of a cuckold , for my father was never married . a monkey being tyed on a mastiffs back , the dog run away , which an old woman seeing , cryed out , well rid i protest young gentleman . a young man askt a blind mans counsel how to choose a wife , i 'le tell you [ quoth he ] let me see her counten●nee . a fidler being desired to play a new tune sir , ( said he ) let me stand bebind your back and i will play you a tune never played before . one looking on a picture , said , this must needs be an excellent art , who would not be hanged to be thus drawn forth and quartered . a woman lying sick to death , desired her husbands leave to make her will ; that needs not [ said he , ] you have had your will all your life time , and would you have your will when you are dead too . one was wont to say , that in europe there were neither scholars enough gentlemen enough , nor jews enough ; one time it was answered him , that of all these three there was rather too great a plenty then scarcity ; whereupon he replyed , if there were scholars enough , so many would not be double or trebble beneficed ; if gentlemen enough , so many peasants would not be rekoned among the gentry ; and if jews enough , so many christians would not profess vsury . one askt another what he would give for his sow and pigs ; nothing [ quoth he ] for the sow , and less for the pigs ; if you will take that , bring 'um in . geo. withers having writ a poem , in which he predicted the continuance of a free state , and called it , the perpetual parliament ; a little after the parliament was dissolved , and a gentleman meeting the said mr. withers , told him he was a pitiful prophet , and a pitiful poet , otherwise he had not wrote such pitiful predictions , for a pitiful parliament . hvgh peters meeting col. hewson , merrily said to him , how now son , where 's your blessing ? hewson not well conceiving what he said , askt what he meant , why ( quoth hugh ) i mean to teach you your duty ; know you not who i am , i am hugh , and as i take it , you are hughs son . one being askt when was the best time to take a journy ? the other replyed , when you have a good horse , mony good store in your purse , and good company . a country fellow seeing a man standing in the pillory for forgery , with his fact legibly written before him , with hundreds about him ; the clown askt for what fault that fellow stood there ? one askt him , whether he could read ? not i in faith , i can neither read , nor write , said he ; then you are a dunce said the other , not to read at those years : now since you are so ignorant , i 'le tell you why that fellow stands in the pillory , it is for counterfe●ing mens hands to which the country fellow replyed ; a plague on you for a company of proud knaves ; you had need to brag so much of your learning , you may see what your writing and your reading brings you to . one askt another what a fine gawdy whore was like ; the other , who much delighted in similes , said , she was like a squirel ; the other surpriz'd at the strangeness of the comparison , askt him how he made that out , it is plain ( said the other ) for she covers her whole body with her tail . a citizen askt a painter what excellent peices he had drawn of late ; only one estimable , which is the picture of acte on turned into a hart , and hunted by his hounds , so lively protrayed , that every one who saw it , said , it was a citizen pursued by serjeants . an apothecary was drank to by one in the company , who said , brother , here 's to you ; the proud apothecary askt him upon what account he called him brother ? quoth the other , we are brothren by trade ; for i understand you are an apothecary , and i am a slop-seller . a gentleman coming to his friends house at breakfast time , was saluted with the latter fragment or cantel of a cheese , which looked as thin and as crooked as the moon in her last quarter ; the gentle man encouraged his friend to eat , by saying it was sent him as a present from an accomplisht lady at windsor ; i thought it came from windsor said the other when i saw it so near eaton . one said he sung as well as most men in europe , and thus he proved it , the most in europe doe not sing well , therefore i sing as well as most men in europe . one of the rump-parliament complained of the great quantity of rain that fell , what unreasonable men you parliament are ( said a stander by ) you would neither have god rain , nor the king. one askt another which was the best way to run from a bayliff , in troth ( said he ) i think the best way is to run him through . two barbers meeting in easter-week , the one askt the other if he had a good eve on 't , in troth , said the other , i think it was the worst eve that ever came since adam . a flat nosed fellow ( who doubtlesly had long time laboured under a covent-garden distemper ) going to old-street , snuffling , askt one which was the way to rotten-row ? the other replyed , follow your nose . one being invited with his wife and daughter to dinner on a sabbath day , brought along with him two little dogs , coming to the house , he thus saluted the invitor with this complement , sir , do you want any bold guests ? i have brought my whole family with me , my self and two bitches , my wife and daughter . a very merry and quibbling lady cutting up a pigg at dinner , askt a gentleman whom she had often out-witted , whether he loved pigg , and whether she should help him to some ? i thank you madam ( said he ) i love nothing that comes from a sow . an old griping citizen dying , left a fair revenue to his son , who as profusely spent it , as his father had carefully raked it together : one day growing angry with his coachman for driving no faster , called to him , saying , drive faster , or i 'le come out and kick you to the devil ; sir , said the coachman , i protest if you do , i 'le there tell your father , how extravagantly you now spend that estate he left you . a gentleman having to his first wife a very lovely woman , she dying , he married one that was ill featured , and worse formed , being extre●mly crooked ; a friend of his taking notice of his extravagant choice , reproved him , saying , i wonder sir where your eyes were when you made this choice ; alas , said the other , it was not so much a choice of mine , as a gift , a bended token sent me by providence : said the other , i am sorry for it , i am sure your former wife was a brave noble woman ; it is true said the other , and now you may see how time makes waste , i have brought that noble to nine-pence . term being ended , three country attorneys travelling homewards , overtook a carter ; being on the merry pin , they fell a jeering him , asking him how his fore horse became so fat , and the rest so lean ? the carter ( knowing them to be attorneys ) replyed , my fore-horse is a lawyer , and the rest are his clients . a youth standing by whilst his father was at play , observing him to loose a great deal of money , burst out into tears , his father askt him the reason why he wept : o sir , i have read that alexander the great wept when ●e heard his father philip had conquered a great many towns , citys , and countryes , fearing that he would leave him nothing to win ; but i wept the contrary way , fearing , if you continue this course , you will leave me nothing to lose . a gentleman carryed his friend down into the cellar to give him the civility thereof ; his friend observing there was no seat there for him to sit on , askt what was his reason for so doing ? because , said he , i will have no man that comes hither , drink longer then he can stand . the question being askt , which were the greatest wonders in the world ; it was answered , womens and lawyers tongues , because they did alwayes lye , yet never lye still . a fellow and a wench taken one evening suspitiously in a pownd together , were by the constable committed , and the next morning brought before a justice ; but they standing both obstinately in their innocence , the justice called the wench aside , and promised her faithfully , if she would confess the fact as guilty , she should go unpunished for that time . by his subtle insinuation she confessed the truth , whereupon the justice commended her , and sent the fellow to prison : at length as she was taking her leave ( thinking her self at liberty ) the justice called her back , and askt her what the fellow had given her for her consent , she told him ( if it pleased his worship ) he had given her half a crown . truly woman , said the justice , that doth not please my worship ; for though for thy fornication i have acquitted thee , yet for thy extortion i must of force commit thee , for taking half a crown in the pownd : and sent her to the house of correction to bear her friend company . one came bragging from the court of aldermen that he was promised by them a lease of the next house that fell ; to whom another replyed , had it been my case , i should have petitioned rather for a house that stood . one said , if he was to choose his prison , it should be ludgate , because none came thither but they had their freedom . there are three sorts of cuckholds , solifidians and nullifidians , the first is one and none , and he wears asses ears , and hath this motto at his coat , crede quod habes , & habes . the second is none and one , he hath goats horns for his coat , with this motto , non videmus id mantic●e quod in tergo est . the third is one and one , and bears rams horns , with this motto , non nobis solem nati sumus . a gentleman not long since coming by a goldsmiths shop , saw therein a delicate lovely woman , whom ( as she was ) he supposed to be the mistress of the house , and that he might delight his eyes , with a less suspected freedome , he went into the shop , and desired to see some jewels , rings , lockets , &c. but having satisfied his fancy for the present , by inspecting that charming heart in flaming countenance , he bought onely a trifle , and went his way , but with a resolution to return . several times he came to the shop after this manner , so that at length he became indifferently acquainted with the man and his wife . having thus got into their acquaintance , he one day came to the good man , and showing him a very rich jewel , he desired the loan of fifty pound thereon for a month , it was granted him , in some little time after , he watcht his opportunity when the old gentleman was abroad , and went to the house , where he spared neither for cost nor courtship to win this gentlewoman to a compliance to his desires , having well warm'd her with wine he attempted the violation of her chastity , by all the subtle stratagems and weils a young italian can invent in the prosecution of his first amours ; but seeing none of these would take , he offered her the fifty pound he had receiv'd of her husband , saying , that he would freely give it her for one single amorous encounter , which proffer , like joves golden shower on danae , wrought its desired effect . having consummated what he so passionately desired in cool blood , he began to consider what a rash act he had done ; the gentlewoman on the other side , having got so rich a booty , with a deal of pleasure to boot , fearing least this serious consultation with himself , might produce some mischief , she hastened him to be gone , fearing least her husband should come , who might by seeing him there , justly suspect some foul play in his absence . no , no , said the gentleman , ( having studied a cunning plot ) let him come , i have bethought my self of a way that shall prevent all suspition in him , he had no sooner said the words , but the husband came up the stairs , at his approach this gentleman stept to him , saying , sir , i thank you for your late kindness in lending me that fifty pound ; i have received moneys sooner than i expected it , wherefore i have brought it you , and paid it to your wife , therefore sir , pray let me have my jewel ; the goldsmith askt his wife if it were so , she seeing it was but a folly to deny it , ( she having then the mony about her ) said she had received such a sum of the gentleman , hereupon the jewel was delivered , but who by the loan and use of the mony was the gaine● , i will leave it to any one to judge . a rich citizen of london , in his will , left something considerable to christ-church hospital , but little or nothing to one of his extravagant sons , at the funeral the blew-coat-boys were ordered ( in acknowledgment of so great a gift ) to sing before the corps to the grave ; as they marcht through cheap-side , this extravagant son led his mother , who observing the boys make a rest , he opened his pipes in that manner , that he was heard almost from one end of the street to the other , and still leading his mother , he continued thus singing , till a kinsman came to him , and stopping his mouth , askt him his reason for his irreverent and undecent carriage , why goodman couzen ( quoth this ne're be good ) the boys there at my fathers death sing for something , and wont you let me sing for nothing . one seeing one summer a great drinker walking in the beginning of the spring , said , one swallow doth not make a summer : but i know ( quoth the other ) one summer makes a great many swallows . when the city of london was in a manner rebuilt , a countrey-man came up to see a friend that had been burnt out , who amongst other discourse , made a grievous complaint of his own particular loss , and after that , he insisted on the loss of a city so brave and glorious ; as to your own loss , ( said the countryman ) i am sorry for it , but as to the loss of your city , i know not what to say , for who would be grieved at having a fine new suit instead of an old one . a gentleman of the temple was informed that his father was dead in the country , which news troubled him very much , not knowing how he had left his estate , a friend of his seeing him in this sad condition , bid him clear up , saying , if your father hath left you a good estate , you have but small cause to grieve ; and if he hath left you nothing , who would grieve for such a father . two discoursing immediately after the fire , about the enlarging of the streets upon the rebuilding the city , he that had much ground said , that it was not requisite the streets should be enlarged , fearing he should be a loser thereby , pish ( said the other ) to what purpose was the city burnt , but that the streets might be made larger . one speaking of the fire , said , canon-street roar'd , milk-street was burnt too , wood-street was burnt to ashes , bread-street was burnt to a coal , pudding-lane and pye-corner were over-baked , and snow-hill was melted down . one who had a damnable scold to his wife , being continually plagued with the clack of her tongue , wished one day in her hearing , that she was in heaven ; she knowing by that saying , that he was desirous to be rid of her ; in a great rage she told him , that she had rather see him hang'd first . mr. sm — a constable , carrying a big-belly'd wench before a justice , said very seriously , an 't please your worship , i have brought here before you a maid with child ; the wench thereupon call'd him knave and fool , being reprooved by the justice , she answered thus , sir , this constable must needs be one of the two , for if i am a maid , he is a fool to think i am with child ; and if i am not with child , he is a knave for so saying . a school-boy being to construe that in terence , ventum erat ad vestae , rendred it thus , ventum the wind erat was veste in the west , at which the school-master laughing , said , it was then high time to hoist up sail , and so untrust the boy , and trimm'd his pinnace . a young new-married woman in the heat of blood , about the latter end of july , after dinner , desired her husband to go up stairs and play with her , he knowing her meaning , and being unprepared for such pastime , excused himself , saying , that the dog-days were very unwholesome for such recreations ; at night being in bed with him , she desired him to lie closer , for though ( said she ) there be dog-days , yet i never heard of dog-nights . a smock-fac'd young vintner that was hardly twenty , came before the chamberlain of london to be made free , who seeing him so young , scrupled at it , asking what age he was , i am sir ( said he ) four and twenty ; that 's strange ( said the chamberlain ) i have seen a face of eighteen look more elder , 't is likely so sir ( said he very discreetly ) he that made him look so old , though so young , is able you see , to make me look so young , though so old , as i have told your worship . a parrot belonging to a person of quality , whose goodly garden lay contiguous to the thames , had learnt from the quarrelling of the foot-boys at play in the hall where the cage hung , this frequent oath amongst them , zouns , what do ye mean ; the parrot being not well , was ordered to be discaged , and carried into the garden , where getting into a tree , he was not at quiet ( laughing as he climed ) till he had got to the very top , as he stood perching and rejoycing , a kite soaring aloft , espied him , wondering of what country he should be by the strangeness of his habit , flew round and round for the advantage of a view , at length supposing him some forreign spie , sent to betray the english commonwealth of birds , he came directly down and seized him in his pounces , and without further delay , fell a taring his green jerkin off his back ; the parrot suspecting not any danger , and being unaccustomed to such rude and uncivil dealing , cryed out , zouns , what d' ye mean ? zouns , what d' ye mean ? repeating the words often with a tone unusual ; some servants took the alarme , and with stones , chasing away the kite , the parrot sh●fted for his safety , by coming down immediately , by which means was preserved . a country curate coming to oxford to take his degree of master of arts , was askt by the head of the house ( whereof this parson was a small member ) how he durst , being so green , to enter himself into the ministry , the curate answered , because the lord hath need of me , the other replyed , i never heard the lord had need of any thing but an ass . a young deacon being to be made minister , the bishop in his examination put him to construe that verse of seneca the tragaedian , cure leves loquuntur , ingentes stupeat . he did it thus ; cura leves little curages , loquuntur do preach , ingentes great bishops , stupeat do hold their peace . a gentleman complain'd to his friend , and said the city was the most insufferable place to live in in the world , and his reason was , because he was accustomed to rise very early , at which time he could find never a fellow to be drunk with , but i 'le remedie that , said he , ( that being his word ) by going to sea , where i shall find at all hours those with whom i was drunk over night , and was as good as his word ; returning from sea , he met with a wench , whom he carried to his chamber , and lay with her all night , in the morning this impudent prostitute demanded her reward for quiffing ; how , how , huzzie , said he , profit and pleasure too , that is too much at one time ; this would not satisfie her , but she told him plainly , if he did not give her something , she would make a disturbance in the house , though she was sent to bridewell for her pains ; say you so ( said he ) i 'le remedy that ; you are mistaken in me , wherefore get you gone , i am no incourager of leachery , and i scorne vice should receive a reward from me . a young gentleman ( lately ) of the temple , having more wit than mony , and minding not his chamber , study , nor commons , was indebted to the house , and it was ordered thereupon , that his chamber should be seized ; he hearing thereof , cry'd , i 'le remedy that i am resolv'd , and so presently went and took his chamber-door off the hinges , and lockt it up in his closet ; the officers coming to fix a padlock thereon , found themselves disappointed , and searching the room , found not any thing worth the seizure . in magdalene colledg in oxford , it is an order that every morning one shall go about to every schollers door , that is of the foundation , knocking loudly , and crying , pars a quinta ( which signifies a quarter after five a clock ) and warns them all to prayers , one hearing this related , said , doth he knock at every door ? yes said the other ; then replies the other , he had need to rise at three of the clock to cry pars a quinta . a school-master asked one of his schollers in the winter time what was latin for cold ; o sir , answered the lad , i have that at my fingers ends . a scholler hearing a begging soldier complain that his stones were cut out at the isle of rea , thus bemoan'd him ; ille dolet vere , qui sine teste dolet . a traveller coming into a tavern , and calling for grecian wine , the woman brought him some of her own wine , he tasting it , and perceiving her guile , said , he would have none of that wine , for it tasted of the cask . a gentleman being at the table , where was a very sat wild duck , he said he thought the duck was crambed ; at which the rest laughing , asked him who should cramb it ? he answear'd them , the man in the moon . forreign jests : witty reparties , &c. henry the fourth , commonly called henry the great , riding one day near paris , espyed an ancient man with a coal black beard , but the hair of his head was as white as milk : this mighty prince having a mind to divertise himself , caused this old fellow to be brought before him , and then ask'd him , how it came to pass , that the hair of his head seemed so much older then that of his beard : the old man briskly replyed , it was no wonder , since the hair of his beard was younger than that of his head by twenty yeares at least . the deputies of rochel attending one day to speak with his majesty , it hapned that there came at the same time a doctor of physick of the same place , who had renounced the protestant religion , to embrace the roman catholick ; for which cause the sight of this man did so enrage them , that they could not forbare railing aloud , although they were so near the presence-chamber : his majesty hearing this irreverent noise , demanded what was the matter , and was informed , that the deputies of rochel were very much incensed against one of their doctors , for changing his religion from protestancy to popery : is that all said his majesty ? ( very pleasantly ) bring them before me ; being brought , how now said the king , what angry ( speaking to the deputies ) because your doctor hath gain'd by his exchange ? let me advise you , change too , and that in time , for it is a dangerous sign , and portends your religion not long liv'd , when her physician hath left , and given her over . a gentleman having never been at paris , got , by what meanes i know not , into the gallery in the louvre , and was so taken with the curious pictures , that he was nothing but wonder and amazement ; in the mean time his majesty hapned to pass by , who seeing a stranger , with a body gentilely clad , gaping like a bumpkin , as if he had hardly ever seen a picture before , approach'd him , and asked the gentleman whom he belong'd to , this fop jauntie , thinking himself affronted , answered in a surly manner , that he belong'd to himself ; you had a fool and a clown to your master then ( said the king ) that could furnish you with no better manners . two cardinals at rome hearing of a very famous painter who had most admirably painted st. peter , with some other of the apostles ; sent for him , with orders to bring those effigies with him ; at sight thereof , these cardinals were amazed at his stupendious art , and found fault with nothing but that their faces were too red and sanguine ; your pardon , may it please your eminences ( said he in a submissive voice ) i have not pictured them as when they were on earth ; who mortifyed the flesh , that they might the better sow the seeds of the gospel ; but i have depainted them as they are now in heaven , ashamed , and therefore blush to see the lives of their successors so loose and so licentious . a franciscan-frier being mounted one day on a very good horse , was rancountred by a serious citizen , who told him , that being of the order of st. francis he wondred to see him on horse-back , and since that st. francis was always known to go a foot , he wondred he durst make so slight of that sacred oath which obliged him and his brethren to follow that holy man , well said ( said the franciscan ) you do well to put me in mind of my duty , in following our patron st. francis ; and that i might not be slack in the performance , i am therefore now mounted , for he being gone so long before , i despaired of ever reaching him a foot , and , setting spurs to his horse , said , that unless he rode a gollop , or full speed , he should be some ages before be could over-take him . a merry switzer going one day into the fields with his master , desired leave of his master to ask him a question ; the master knowing him to be a roguish witty fellow , gave him liberty ; why then sr. said he , you see an horse and ass yonder feeding together , if you were forced to be a beast , which of them two would you be ? you fool , said the master , i would be a horse , as being the nobler and more generous creature ; i 'm of another opinion replyed the swisse , for i would be an ass ; his master unable to forbear laughing , asked him the reason ; the reason said he is , i have often seen an ass ride the great horse ; stalk stately before his company upon some annual solemnity ; be chosen a justice , and as frequently his name and ignorance guilded with the splended dignity of knighthood , but i never knew an horse capable of these preferments . a walloon serjeant walking in the court at the hague , demanded of a captain in that place , by what means he might speak with the prince of orange ? the captain told him , if he would have a little patience the prince would not be long e're he would come that way ; he had no sooner said these words but his highness appeared , whereupon this bore , the walloon , being confident in his own eloquence and barbarous gaulish dialect , addrest himself in these words : sir , your excellency must know , that our ensign is dead , now i being the eldest serjeant , the colours belong to me . the prince seeing a man of that bulk , imagin'd he had a soul as large , and therefore bid him speak on boldly : but he instead of enlarging himself sung only the same notes over again . the prince being in a very good humour at that time , asked him , how long he had served the states ? let me see ( said this walloon , and thereupon drew an old book out of his pocket ) i — let me see — i now i have it , i came in the same year to serve the states , that your excellency ran away before groll . there was a gentleman in france was very much conceited of his singing ( although he had neither voice nor judgment ) and would be always humming some religious anthems , or bawl out aloud ; a notable merry woman living very near him , and by that means was perpetually troubled with his insufferable noise , there being no remedy , she was contented only with putting this trick upon him , and that was every time he sang , she wept , and the lowder his voice , the greater abundance of her tears ; the gentleman observing this several times , demanded of the woman , why she wept when be sung ( thinking to himself that he had so raptured her with his harmonical voice , that thereby her soul was wing'd for an immediate flight to heaven : ) to this question the woman thus replyed , i may well weep ( said she ) since not long ago , i lost the staff of my life , and the support of my children ; in short sir , my great loss was an ass that did us a thousand kindnesses , now sir your voice and his methinks are so extreamly alike , that i never hear you sing , but it puts me in mind of my poor ass , the loss of whom i shall never sufficiently condole . a young italian gentleman being led by curiosity into holland , where having lived some time conversing with the most ingenious , was one day set upon by a protestant minister , who would needs ingage him in a controversie about religion . the young gentleman , knowing himself too weak for the encounter , begged his diversion , and endeavoured to wave the discourse ; but the more he avoided it , the more hotly was he prest by the minister , whereupon the young italian in a very great passion , conjured him by all that is good , to let him alone in peace with his religion , for ( said he ) i cannot embrace yours , and if you make me lose my own , i will never make choice of any other . a countrey fellow wanting mo●y , came to rome , and there offered his ass to sale ; he quickly met with a chapman , who ( having agreed about the price ) demanded of the country-man , very seriously , what bad , or good conditions the ass had in him , i will assure you ( said he ) there is not a better ass in italy ; say you so ( said the other ) nay then i le promise you this , if i find him as good as you say , i will be not only a friend to him , but a brother . a poor pittiful bore , in process of time became a rich burgo-master , who one day walking in the streets was accosted by such another tatterdemalion as himself was formerly , and one of his intimate acquaintance ; this upstart burgo-master walked stately on , taking no notice of him ; this made my jag-rag the more pressing , and pulling him by the sleeve , said , old friend , what don't you know me ? ( the other replyed hastily , and with an austere countenance ) how the devil should i know or remember thee , since i have forgot my own self , being obliged by my grandeur to take no cognisance of the vileness of thy condition , and the quondam poverty of my own . a gentleman of good quality in paris , and a great amorist , was also very phlegmatick , ( t is strange two such contrary elements should agree in one body : ) i say this monsieur , one day , being in the society of some ladies , fixt his eyes upon one of an extraordinary beauty , in such sort , that they were never withdrawn from her , but when he returned about to spit , by reason of the continual overflowing of his mouth : this gentlewoman frequently observing the watering of his mouth , smilingly demanded of him the cause , who cunningly answered her , that his mouth watered being near so delicate and choice abit , yet dare not taste thereof ; if so sir , ( said she briskly ) stand further off , and do not approach nearer , least you be turned into that watery element . a countrey fellow designed one night to rob a gentlemans orchard , and being just got up into a tree he saw two approaching towards him ( which were the servant-man and chamber-maid of the house ) the sight of these persons made him lye as covert as he could , whereas on the other side these amorists eagerly pursuing their sport , did not discover the fellow in the tree , under which they had past so many amorous careers ; and being now wearied , the chamber-maid had time to vent these fears her resistless appetite would not admit into her thoughts before , in this manner , dear heart , you have had your will against my will , and what if i should now prove with child ? what will become of it , and me ? prythee ? ( said he ) take no care for that , there is one above will make ( no doubt ) sufficient provision for you both : the fellow in the tree hearing this , and being glad of this opportunity to scare them away , that he might the better accomplish his thieving design , spoke indifferently loud ; saying , i 'le see you hang'd e're i 'le maintain any whore of you all , and if i do keep any bastards , to be sure they shall be of my own begetting . just as the sermon was ended in a church at amsterdam , it hapned that two roman catholicks entered therein ; a burgess seeing them , took his friend by the hand , who knew them very well ; look there said he , as the children of light are going out of the church , the children of darkness are entering in ; one of these catholicks hearing this , shortly and sharply replyed , you have deprived us of our light , and we are forced to seek after it whilst we are in darkness ; intimating the particular restraint laid on roman catholicks by the hollander , more strict then on any other religion . within one of the provinces of the vnited neatherlands there lived a mercenary scribler , who wrote a pasquil , or defamatory libel against the house of austria , and presented it to the governour of the same place , which was a person of the most ancient family of nassaw . the governor having read it , dissembled his displeasure , but with a kind of feigned smile , told him , that his invective was as sharp as could be imagined . sir , said the author , i have one in the press , as sharp again ; let me see it said the governor : this libellous author , thinking he should be highly rewarded , brought him this second copy ; in which was writ , as in the former , a thousand notorious and scandalous lyes , not sparing the bespattering of the then vertuous infanta with lewd reproach and obloquy ; not omitting the king , emperour , &c. the governor hardly forbearing the concealment of his great indignation , bid him come in the afternoon , and his reward should be ready : taking his leave of his excellency , he returns home to his friends , further fraught with joy and hopes , than an east-india ship with pepper , comes at the time appointed . he went to wait for his reward , and the governor hearing of the coming of this libeller , ordered him to go up such a pair of stairs , and there he should meet with a person should give him his due ; coming to the top of the stairs , he was asked , whether he was the man that wrote the libel , he answered very jollily , that he was the person that had serv'd his countrey with his pen , though he could not with his sword : and that he had ( he thought ) painted the king of spain , and emperor to the life , in their own proper colours : pray , sir , come in said the other , i have order to give you double recompence ; where presently he was seized by half a dozen strong fellows , and being strip'd they gave him forty lashes on the bare back with a cat of nine tails , and were laid on by remembering him , that the first was for the emperour : the second for the king of spain : the third for the infanta : and the fourth for marquis spinola : and so oven with them again , till the number was expired ; at which time the governour came in and told him , that this punishment was the least of desert , for abusing so illustrious a house as that of austria , and that though an enemie , yet should not be abused with the scandalous reproaches of every lying pamphleter , let all such , like this , wear their reward on their backs , and not in their purses . a certain switzer , a soldier and roman catholick , being in france , was solicited by some french gentleman to go with them into holland to serve the states . having demanded of them if the hollanders were catholicks , and they affirming to him they were , he readily condescended to their proposition . being in the army of the prince of orange in the field , and seeing no priests , monks , altars , nor images , he went and told his captain that he was meerly deluded , and that he could never serve the hugonots against the catholicks , but against his conscience ; the captain seeing him refractory , and would not march , he caned him sufficiently , but the swiss regarded it not ; crying out , that he had rather dye , then bear armes against his religion ; at that very instant the prince of orange came by , and understanding the matter , caused the swiss to be brought before him , and commanding him to be disarmed , he furnished him with tabor and pipe , with several antick baubles ; saying , go soldier , since thou wilt not bare armes against the catholicks , carry these pretty knacks to them , to add to the number of their religious fopperies . there was a pleasant comical dog-whipper of a church , who on the week-days carried turfs in amsterdam , this man had a great mind to see antwerp , and takeing his wife along with him , made a journy thither ; having seen the famous churches , the citadel , and other things remarkable , they went to the tavern , intending to drink some wine ; having possest themselves of a room , the maid●servant ( well bread ) made a very low courtsie , saying , what will you be pleased to drink seignior ? at which , this turf porter , confounded with so great an honour , whispered his wife in the ear , how comes this kate ? a seignior at antwerp , and a dog-whiper in amsterdam ; certainly ( speaking still low ) i will not behave my self unworthy of this honour ( then raising his voice ) go fetch me a p●ttle of wine ; at this his wife cryed out , why john , what mean you john , we have not money enough to do it ; what of all that ( said he ) it is but ingageing my honour , i will pay it next time i come to antwerp ; in the mean time i must acknowledg these people more justly civil , and respectful , then my own country-men . one day some witty drolls met with this dog-whipper , who askt whether he would not be content to change his double employment , for the single one , of being a secretary of some town in holland ; at which question he fell into such a loud fit of laughter , that the company could not forbear laughing to see such a variety of grimaces in his face , which when it grew a little calmer , gentlemen ( said he ) my shoulders are broad and strong enough to bear a hundred maunds of truf a day , but my head , although it be big enough , or as some say , too big ; yet is it to weak and feeble to carry a secret one quarter of an hour : besides , i have heard , secretaries what to abstain from ●ine ; for my part , i should sell all the secrets of my noddle for one poule . that man's most happy that is contented with his own , and covets not anothers fortune . there is a village in holland at the end whereof stands a church built by the command of st. villebrord . one day some of the foolish paisantry of the town were got together in a tavern , where amongst other of their ridiculous discourse , there was a grand consultation how they should make the church stand in the middle of the town , the one propounded this way , and another that way , and both contradicted by a third , as a thing impossible ; at length one stands up with much gravity , brethren ( said he ) i think you are all mistaken , therefore my advice is th● , seeing the church cannot be removed ( & yet you would have the fulfilling of your desres ) build as many houses beyond it , as there are on this side thereof , and then you will find the church stand just in the middle of the town . a certain minister of the reformed religion , preaching one sabbath day in amsterdam , took an occasion to loose his text , that he might find out a digressive discourse on the magistrates of that city , several whereof were present at that time ; in his sermon , he first proved , that magistrates were as gods on earth , and that the ministers were as angels ; after this he much inveighed against the supiness and carelesness of the former , in suffering popish idolatry to be so openly professed , with judaism , &c. and his zeal prompted him to say , that they should one day be answerable for their negligence , reproving them also for many notorious sins , &c after sermon , some of the magistrates sent for him , and having severely checkt him for his insolence , and seditious eloquence , told him , that if he ever did the like , that though be made them gods , they would make a devil of him , and throw him out of the paradise of his living , into the hell of a dungeon ? there was a rodomontado in paris , who huft after so strange a rate , that he pretended , he could out-do all the wonderful exploits performed by the chief ancient masters of knight-errantry : this vaunting made him terrible to such as knew him not . one day being in company , he was strangely admired by all , saving a picard , who shewed him little or no respect , not so much out of design , as for want of breeding . this rodomontado , observing the slighting of the picard , began to swell , being in a mighty passion ; and reproach'd the picard for his clownery in not paying that due respect to his person , which was the merit of his vertue ; the picard told him bluntly , that if others worshipped an ass , he was not bound to do the like . how said the rodomontado , darest thou speak to me without trembling ? thou shalt repent for this ; to which the other replyed , he feared him not ; nay , then said this rodomontado i see thou art weary of thy life ; meet me to morrow , at such a place , singly , and there i will do thee the kindness to dispatch thee out of thy pain . the picard told him resolutely , he would meet him with his sword ; and accordingly , the next morning early , he went into the field , and having waited there about two hours , at length comes the rodomontado scare-crow , who made such a noise as he came , that he frighted all the birds from their nests and coverts as he past through the forrest of fontain-bleau . as soon as he saw the picard he made a thousand grimaces , and as many bravadoes ; asking him at a great distance whether he was apprehensive of death , or whether he long'd to dye . advance nearer said the picard , and i will quickly inform you . hereupon the rodomontado stood still , and asked him whether he had a wife and children , yes , yes , said the picard , but what is that to our purpose ? come draw , ha , ( said the rodomontado ) i am sorry that thy wife must be a widdow , and thy children orphans ; for i am invincible , and have al●ready slain with this right hand above ten thousand cavaliers : hadst thou ( said the picard ) fought the devil , and kil'd his grand-child in single combat , yet would i fight thee , therefore defend thy self , or thou art a dead man : at this our bouncing cavalier drew back , crying out to the picard to have a little patience ; but the picard's passion it seemes had no ears , and began to lay about him stoutly , the rodomontado seeing in what danger he was in , beg'd the picard to hear him but one word ; i see ( said he ) that thou art a brave fellow , and what a pity is it then , that thou should'st fall by my arm ; come , i am generous and mercifull , beg then thy life , and i will give it thee ; i scorn it , said the picard , therefore once more guard thy self , or i 'le run thee through ; nay then replyed the rodomontado , since thou wilt not demand thy life of me , i 'le beg mine of thee : which last words so tickled the p●eard with laughter , that he could not find in his heart to do him any further mischief . two gentlemen drinking at a tavern at the hague very smartly , the one accus'd the other for not doing him reason , the other told him he lyed , and gave him a box on the ear ; hereupon commenced a challenge , although they were both so drunk that they knew not how to name their weapons they were to fight with . the next morning they met , but knew not upon what grounds they were to fight . and therefore instead of fighting fell to capitulateing , both protesting they knew not the cause of the quarrel ; a person standing by , who was concerned as a second , told them , he knew nothing but the wine which bred the difference : if that be all said the combatants , the wine that made us fall out , shall make us fall in again . an english lord , and french monsieur were deeply engaged in a controversie , which was the best religion ; many arguments were produced pro and con , at length monsieur appeal'd to a great man that was ( as he thought ) of his own perswasion ; whether he had not produced invincible arguments in confirmation of the verity of his religion . of mine ( said this noble man ) you mistake sir , i am as yet of none at all , nor never like to be of any , till our teachers , schoolmen , learned divines , jesuits , and such , who for sever all ages have disputed , are agreed which of all religions is the snrest guide to heaven . the vice-roy of naples in a great siege , made a strict order , wherein it was adjudged death for any man above , and under such an age , to walk in any part of the city without a sword , one day as himself and retinue were riding through the city , to see how well this order was observed , he saw a gentleman without a sword , who was presently brought before the vice-roy , and then was the order read , and for contempt thereof , was sentenced to dye ; and because he was a gentleman he was to be slain by the next gentleman that past that way ; it was not long ere one appear'd , exactly qualyfied for the business to outward appearance , though it proved otherwise , for this gentleman had been gaming , and had lost not only all his money , but the very blade of his sword , and had instead thereof , fixt to the hilt a wooden blade , not daring to go home without the resemblance of a sword by his side ; this gentleman was stop'd by the way , and made acquainted with the vice-roy's evere sentence , who hearing it , & know sing his own insufficiency , was extream●y startled , and withall , with much eagerness , prest the vice-roy to excuse him , alledging , that should he be made an executioner , it would be a perpetual stain to his family ; all his supplications availed nothing , so that he must do the work ; in order thereunto he stript himself of his loose garments , and after this devoutly kneel'd , praying that god would forgive him for what he was going about , &c. but particularly prayed , that if the gentleman ought not to dye , that his sword myraculously might be turn'd into wood ; having ended his prayer , he arose , and whiping out his sword to run the gentleman through ; ( who stood ready prepared to receive the thrust ) his sword appeared a shaved lath to all the spectators ; hereupon the dying gentleman was released with much joy , the wooden sword was carried with much solemnity , and hung up in the cathedral church , as a true link to the chain of popish miracles . a protestant and roman catholick were arguing at paris about the popes infallibility ; the priest said , that the pope may erre as a man , but not as a pope ; i would fain know ( said the gentleman ) why the pope doth not instruct , or reform the man , or wherefore the man doth not require the popes instruction . a common strumpet got a warrant for a man , from whom she hoped to squeese some mony , and carried him before a justice who demanded of the man whether he was guilty of what was alledged against him , the man protesting innocency ; saying further , mr. justice , this woman hath the repute of a common whore ; if so , suppose i had to do with her , how can she say that i am the proper father of the bastard , since she deals with so many continually ; thou say'st well ( said the justice , and speaking to the woman , said , thou mayst as well going through a thorn hedg , tell certainly which thorn pricked thee ; and so give the man his discharge . the governor of maestricht had a great love for a young captain of his , which had never been tryed during the late siege by english and french ; on a time , he was commanded with a party to make a mock sally , but as soon as ever he came within sight of the enemy , he squatted behind the walls of some old ruins ; coming into the garrison , he was not only publickly laughed at , but was accused for a coward to the governor , who being more willing to bring this captain off with credit , then he brought off himself , told them thus ; if this captain went upon a mock sally , then the worst you can say , he is but a mock coward , and if he had not so plaid the fool and coward in jest , i would have punished him in earnest . a lphonso cartillo was informed by his steward of the greatness of his expence , and that it was inconsistent with his estate , but particularly the number of his servants was too great , whereupon the bishop made him draw up a note of such as were necessary , and such as were not ; that being done , he summoned all his servants together , and reading the note , seperated them ; then said , these i have need of , and therefore they must continue ; these have need of me , and therefore they must remain also . a thief being arraigned at bar , before a lieutenant , criminal for stealing a horse , in his pleading , urged many things in his own behalf , but particularly , he insisted on this , that the horse stold him , and not he the horse : how can that be said the judge ? thus , said the malefactor , passing along the country about my lawful occasions , i was pursued close by a fierce mastive , and had no other means to escape his fury but by leaping over a hedge , which i easily effected by my agility of body , it hapned , that a horse stood on the other side of the hedge , and it so chanced , that i leaped astride his back , who being startled hereat , ran clear away with me , and could not stop him by any means , until he came to the next town ; in which the right owner of the horse lived , and there i was taken , and here arraigned . after that horrid massacre in france on st. bartholomew's day , the deputies of the reformed religion treated with the king for peace ; both sides were agreed upon the articles , the question was upon the security of the performance : after some particulars propounded and rejected , the queen mother said , why is not the word of a king sufficient security ? one of the deputies answered , no by st. bartholonrew . a dutch captain was commanded by his colonel to go on in an exploit against the french , with forces that were unlikely to atchieve the enterprize , whereupon the captain advised his collonel to send but half so many men ; why so , said the collonel , to send but half so many men ? because replyed the captain , they were enough to be knockt on the head , and it is better that a few die than many . a poor countrey-fellow praying devoutly superstitious before an old image of st. loy , the image being rotten , suddenly fell down upon the poor man , and so grievously bruised him , that he could not stir out in a month after ; in the mean time , the cheating priests had set up a new image in the room thereof ; the countrey-man recovering , came to the same church and kneel'd again to the image , but at a great distance , saying after this manner ; although thou smilest , and lookest fair upon me , yet thy father played me such a knavish prank lately , that i will beware that i come not as near thee , as i did him , least thou shouldst have any of thy fathers unhappy qualities . a nobleman in paris , hearing of a blind man , that could play very well on the flagellet , sent for him , and he played unto him till night , having done , the nobleman commanded his servant to light the flagellet player down stairs ; hereupon the servant replyed , my lord , the man is blind : thou ignorant coxcomb ( quoth my lord ) he hath the more need of light. an italian doctor askt a waterman , whether he might safely go by water over the river po ? the fellow told him yes ; but the doctor coming to the water-side , and finding it very rough , said , you watermen are the veryest knaves in the world , for to gain six pence , you care not to cast a man away ; to whom the water-man replyed ; it appears sir , we are men of a cheaper f●urrc●ion , and better conscience than you , for you sometimes will not cast a man away under forty , fifty , or an hundred crowns . a gentlewoman of paris ( who was a grain or two too light ) went to her confessor , and amongst other sins , confessed chiefly , that she was too much addicted to the society of men ; ah , said the fryer , whoredom is a sin very displeasing to god , i am sorry for that ( quoth she ) since it was so pleasing to me . an italian captain haveing been a long time besieged in a place , where for four moneths , he did eat nothing but horse-flesh , at length being relieved , he returned to his former mistriss , thinking to have the same dalliances as formerly ; she understanding how he had fared , since his departure ; hold ( said she , ) though i have a mind to be gotten with child , yet i am resolved never to be gotten with colt. a gentleman in naples being affronted by an english man , was resolved to be revenged ; and therefore commanded his man to procure him a couple of villains , fit for his purpose ; in a little time he brought his master two whose faces were slasht and cut ; the gentleman seeing them , said , i will have none of you ; but bring me them who gave you those wounds , and i will reward you . one told pope alexander the sixth , that it was necessary to banish all the physitians out of rome , for they were unnecessary and dangerous ; no ( said the pope ) they are very useful ; for without them the world would encrease so fast , that one could not live by another . a ntigonus invading parthia , was told that the enemies had such volleys of arrows to encounter him , that they would darken the sun ; that 's well ( say he ) for then we shall fight in the shade this hot weather . upon the departure of a gentleman of good note at lyons in france , a jesuite stood by prompting the gentleman to give to that conuent he belong'd to , such a piece of ground and such a mannor , which the gentleman consented to ; the son standing by , and fearing all would be given from him ; said to the jesuite , i hope you will not have the conscience to keep all this from me ; yes , yes , said the jesuit , the will of the dead must be obeyed ; say you so , then father shall i break the neck of this jesuit down stairs ? do if thou wilt son : nay then says the son , the will of the dead must he obeyed : the jesuit hearing this , and seeing him in good earnest , made but one step from the top of the stairs to the bottom , to avoid the danger ensuing . socrates was ask'd , why he suffered so much brawling by his wife ? says he , why do you suffer so much kackling of your hens ? because they lay me eggs , says he , and i my wife ( replyed socrates , ) because she bares me children . some profane fellows and wenches were resolved to abuse some 〈◊〉 ers ; for , laying an hog ( which they had made dead drunk before with the lees of wine ) under the table , covered with a black cloath , they sent for the fryers , telling them , that the womans husband of the house was dead , and that they must sing a dirg for his soul ; during the service the woman kept such a tittering , and laughing , that they were forced to avoid the room ; the young men seeing that , stole out after them , that they might have the greater liberty to laugh also ; one of the friers taking notice hereof , listed up the cloth , and seeing it was a hog , took him , and to be revenged of the abuse ; carried him away ; the woman of the house seeing them march off , called after them to return ; no , no , said they , we find he is a brother of ours , and must be buried in our convent . one came to paris to be confessed , who told his confessor he had stoln a halter , to steal a halter , said he , is no great matter ; i but said the fellow , there was a horse tied at the end on 't ; o said the confessor , there is somthing in that : there is great difference between a horse and a halter , you must therefore first restore the owner his horse , and having so done , come to me , and i 'le absolve you of the halter . a fellow hearing the drums beat up for volunteers for france , in the late expedition against the dutch , imagin'd himself valliant enough , and thereupon listed himself : returning again , he was ask'd by his friends , what exploits he had done there ; he said , that he had cut off one of the enemies leggs , and being told that it had been more honourable and manly to have cut off his head ; o said he , you must know his head was cut off before . a priest in an abby at florence , being a fisherman's son , ordered a net to be spread on the table , instead of a table cloth , in token of humility , and in remembrance from whence he came ; the abbot dying , for his pretended humility sake , he was elected abbot dying , after which he caused the net to be used no more , and being askt the reason , he told them , i need not the net now , having caught what i fisht for . an old covetous miser at burdeaux , grudged his servants their victuals , and allowed them but a fifth part of wine , to four parts of water ; one time seeing one of his servants feed very heartily , what said he , will your grinders never be at rest ? how can they ( said the servant , ) as long as they have so little wine , and so much water . a popish bishop rising up in arms against his prince , was defeated , and taken as he was clad in armor , and by the king's command secured . the pope hearing of it , complained of the king's breach of church priviledges , imprisoning one of the sons of the church ; hereupon the king sent back the messenger with the armor of the bishop , desireing the pope to send him word , whether those were the garments of any of his sons . jvlius the third , when he was made pope , gave his hat to a young favorite of his , to the general dissatisfaction of the conclave ; whereupon a cardinal that used to be free with him said , what did your holiness see in that young man to make him a cardinal ? julius replyed , what did you see in me , to make me a pope . a country-man coming to paris with his ass loaded , the beast stuck in a dirty place , and to make him rise from thence , the peasant belaboured him with a stick lustily , a courtier passing by , said , how now villain , art thou not ashamed to abuse thy beast so ? if thou strikest him again , i will strike thee as much ; hereupon the poor fellow desisted , till the cavilleer was past , and then sell a beating his beast worse than before , saying , how now goodman ass , who would have thought that thou hadst friends at court ? a french peasant passing by a ditch with his cart full of onions , the cart overturn'd , and the onions fell into a ditch full of water , at sight whereof the peasant cryed out , mort bleau , here wants nothing but a little salt to make le bon potage . a dutch-man in amsterdam having heated himself with wine , grew angry ; and swearing gods sacrament , he would feign know , why the english called his countrymen butter-boxes ; the reason is , said a stander by , because they find you are so apt to spread every where , and for your sauciness must be melted down . a stout commander , having formerly in the kings service lost his leg , was not with standing for his great prudence , and courage made a captain of a second rate ship , and being in the midst of an engagement a cannon bullet took of his woodden supporter , so that he was constrained to fall ; the seamen thinking he had lost his legs , cryed , down with him to the chriungem ; i want him not , i want him not ( quoth he ) but send me up to the carpenter . being a captain of horse , he was disswaded not to attaque the enemy , they being thrice the number ; are they so said he ( not a jot dismay'd ) then i am very glad , for there are enough to be kill'd , enough to be taken prisoners , and enough to run away , a monsieur meeting the king of france's jester , asked what news , why sir replyed he , there are forty thousand men risen to day , i pray to what end , said the other , and what do they intend ? why ( said he ) to go to bed again at night . one hearing a french gentleman brag what variety of excellent sallats there are in france , and how the people naturally delight therein , it cannot be denyed ( saith he ) that as you have plenty of good sallats , so they are most of your food ; now we in england have dainty beeves , veal , mutton , and as god made beasts to live on grass , so he made man 〈◊〉 live on beasts . an englishman and his wise lodging at a french-mans house , both so perfect children of their own countrys , that neither understood each other , it so fell out , that the english-mans wife cry'd out in the night ; whereupon he ran up-stairs to acquaint the midwife , ( who did lye above ) of his wives condition , that being done , he went down to inform his landlord and landlady thereof ; standing by the bed side shivering in his shirt , for it was in a cold winter night , his landlady pitying him said to her husband , prythee , my dear , let the english-man come into bed to us and lye till day-light , since it is so cold , and that he cannot in civility return to his own chamber , you need not fear any thing since you are in bed with me ; her request was granted , and he lay down on the other side of the woman ; the frenchman having tyred himself by labour the day before , fell fast asleep ; the englishman's snake presently grew warm , and crawled up the womans belly ; the motion of the bed awaked her husband , he called out wife , what are you doing ; what are you doing ? why what would you have me do ( said she ) if i should speak to him it would be to little purpose , for you know he understands not a word of our language . at the battail of newport the prince of orange having the spanish army before him , and the sea behind him , said to his soldiers , gentlemen , if you intend to live , thus must you do , either eat those spaniards , or drink up this sea. when metellus nepos asked in a ●e●ring way , the famous roman orator cicero , who was his father ? he replyed , thy mother hath made that question harder for thee to answer . marcus livius , who was governor of tarentum , when hanibal took it , being envious to see so much honour done to fabius maximus , said one day openly in the senate , that it was himself , not fabius maximus , that was the cause of the retaking of the city of tarentum ; fabius smiling , said wittily , indeed thou speakest truth , for hadst not thou lost it , i had never retaken it . pope benedict when the embasiadour of the council of constance , came to him , laying his hand on his breast , said , hic est arca noae , here is noah's ark : one hearing him say so , said softly to his friend , in noah's ark there were few men , but many beasts . a gentleman in antwerp talking with a priest concerning religion , asked , why they kissed the cross more than any other piece of wood ; and what was there more in that than any other trees else , that they did not kiss them , why ( said the priest ) is not your wife made all of the same flesh and blood , and what is the reason that you do not kiss her back-side , as well as her mouth . pope alexander being accustomed highly to commmend the institution of the single life of priests , and to blame their using of concubines , was wont to say , god hath forbidden us to get children , and the devil hath given us nepliews a spaniard and a gascoign coming both to an inn in france , found nothing ready , but a piece of mutton , and a partridge ; one would have the partridge , and the other would have it ; and thereupon quarrelling , the hostess perswaded them to eat it together , no that they would not ; but at last consented it should be kept for breakfast , and he that dreamed in the night the best dream , should have it . whilst the spaniard broke his sleep by studying a good dream , the gascoign observing where the partridge was put , got up , and did eat it : in the morning betime they arose , and the spaniard said , he dreamed the best dream in the world ; for said he , methought i saw the heavens open , and a quire of angels with musick carried me to heaven . then said the gascoign , i dreamed i saw you so carried to heaven , and thinking you would never return , i arose in the night , and did eat the partridge . a cordelier and a jacobin having taken up one inn together ; the next morning the jacobin paid his reckoning , but the cordelier supposing to have come off here , as else where , for a god a mercy , or a retribuet deus , was forced by the master of the house , who was a protestant , to pay for what he had , by pawning some books , for the jacobin refused to lend him a farthing . the next day travelling together , they came to a small river ; whereupon the poor cordelier put of his sandals , and holding up his gown , began to wade : the jacobin being well apparell'd , and loath to spoil his fine cloathes , call'd to the cordelier to carry him over ; what will you give me then quoth he ? said the other , i will redeem your books , and pay your charge at the next inn ; so the cordelier took him up on his back , and when he was in the deepest place of the water , the cordelier asked the jacobin if he had money enough to make good his promise ? yes that i have said he , and thereupon chinkt his money in his pocket : the cordelier hearing this , and finding a fit opportunity to be revenged , let him drop in the water , saying , brother , you have done very ill to make me transgress my orders , for you know , i am bound never to carry any money about me . a peasant having been with his confessor told him that he had eaten eggs that lent , and was reproved for it ; forasmuch as eggs made chickens , chickens cocks , and cocks capons : a little while after this confessor sent to him for some eggs , to set under a hen , and he sent them all boiled very hard , the curat being ignorant thereof , set them under his hen , but finding in almost a months time no production , he broke one of them and found it hard , and so brake another , a third , a fourth , a fifth , till he had broken them all , and found them all as the first boiled . this so netled the curate , that he instantly went to the pe●sant to know the reason of this abuse ; the peasant excused himself , saying , he knew not what he meant ; why you fool ( quoth the curate ) did you ever think that chickens could be hatched out of hard eggs ? why father , so you told me ( said he ) the last lent ; for when i confessed to you that i had eaten eggs , you chid me , saying , eggs made chickens , chickens cocks , cocks capons : now if boyled eggs which i did eat , would ever have been chickens , cocks , and capons ; how did i know but the boiled eggs under your hen , would come to be so too . a country fellow seeing the arch-bishop of cologn riding in the fields with a great retinue compleatly armed , laught out aloud ; being ask'd his reason for so doing , he answered , because he wondred that st. peter , christs vicar on earth , being exceeding poor , had left his successor so rich that his train should be more furnished with sword-men , than gown-men . the arch-bishop hearing this , and being willing that the fellow should have better knowledg of him in his place , and dignity , told him , that he was not only arch-bishop , but a duke also , and that as a duke he rode with such an armed train of men , but when he was in the church , he was attended on as an archbishop ; sir ( said this poor fellow ) i pray tell me when my lord duke shall be with the devil , what will become of the arch-bishop . the emperour sigismond foarding a river , his horse stood still in the midst , and staled ; whereupon a page took the boldness to say , that the horse was like the emperour , who heard what was said , but said nothing for that time ; a little while after the emperour reminding those words , ask'd the page his reason for comparing him to a horse ? because royal sir ( quoth the page ) the river had no need of water , and yet your horse must add to it by pissing in it , and so do you ; for those that have enough , you give more ; but to such as have nothing , you add not any thing , and allthough i have been with you a long time , yet have i not tasted of your bounty ; the next morning the emperour took two iron chests , the bigger of the two , he filled with lead , and the other with silver , and bid his page take which he would of them , in recompence of his service ; the page took the biggest , which the emperour caused him to open , and there he found nothing but lead , the other he opened himself , and shewed him it was silver . now ( said the emperour ) thou knowest thy fortune , the fault was none of mine , that thy choice was no better , and that thou wert not made rich , for thou hast refused thy good fortune , when it was offered thee the duke of millain being besieged in a castle by the florentines , one day at dinner , he quarrell'd with his victuals , and chid his cook severely , for the ill ordering of his meat , and sauce ; whereupon the witty cook reply'd , my lord ; your meat is well enough dressed , but the florentines have put your mouth out of taste . before the battel fought at serrizals , the marquess of guast assureing himself of the victory , gave his jester a suit of armour fairly guilt , and a spanish jennet , with a promise of five hundred duckets , if he would be first should carry news to his wife of his victory ; but it so hapned , that the french did beat the emperour's army and the jester was taken , and brought before the lord anguien , who perceiving who he was , asked , who had furnish'd him in that splendid manner ? my lord ( replyed he ) the marquess , who gave me my horse and armes , and should have given me five hundred duckets to go and tell my lady his wife , the first tidings of his victory , but to save the money , i believe he is posted thither in person . two young scholars travelling from roan to paris , there to study , met by the way a country-fellow riding on an ass , which bray'd in such manner , as if he had been overjoy'd to be in such learned society ; these students thinking to put a trick on the paisant , said , friend , why do you let your brother cry in that manner , cannot you find out any way to still and quiet him ? the paisant who was none of the most ignorant of the parish wherein he dwelt ; answered , my ass , sirs , is so extream●y pleased to meet with his relations , and old a●quaintance , he could do no less then sing a song of mirth , and merry glee , in testimony of your hearty welcome to him . a gentlewoman of singular beauty but highly conceited thereof , went to an eminent painter at paris , ordering him to draw her picture like a maid to the life in little , and yet represent her in full proportion . the painter did as much as in him lay , and carried home the picture to the gentlewoman , who misliked nothing therein but that he had drawn her too little . the painter to excuse himself ; said , madam , i believe , considering your age , it is very hard to find a maid sobig as you . a gentleman of paris that was much troubled with rheum , was complementing a lady in the lour , who by reason of that distemper , was forced to spit at every sentence ; the lady perceiving it ( who was furnished with whatever art or nature could bestow upon her ) said in railery , sir , your mouth overflows , you would do well to take some course to drain that fenny body of yours , least in time , it lye totally drown'd in that plegmatick humour . pardon me , madam ( wittily repartied this gentleman ) if i say you are the cause of this distemper , if it be any ; for how is it possible for a man to look on such a dainty curious piece of flesh , as yours is , and his mouth not water . charles the fifth going privately to visit the convent of the jocobins in vienna , met by the way with a fellow , who got his living by hogs , and then had a sucking pig in his arms going to market , which in the way grunted so much , that the emperour could not endure it , wherefore said , do you hear , friend , have you not got the art of stealing a pig when he cryes ; the fellow ( not knowing him to be the emperour , seeing him not only meanly clad , but slenderly attended ) said , sir , it is a secret i understand not , and therefore i shall be much obliged , if you will inform me how to do it : why then said the emperour , if you will have your pig leave off grunting , take and hold him by the tail ; which the fellow trying , found effectual : hereupon he said , in troth sir , be whom you will , i see you have not your trade to learn now : for though i have been a pig-merchant this thirty years , you are more knowing in it , then i. lewis the twelfth , king of france , taking a view one day of his army in the plain of chartrese , saw three soldiers together , terribly slasht over the face , and carrying their armes in a scarf , whereupon he said , gentlemen how came you thus to be so roughly handled ? by our enemies ( said one of the three ) it seems then ( said the king ) they were too hard for you , and so consequently , the better men ; your pardon sr. ( said one ) we judge it no such matter , for as they did hurt us , so we killed them . a cyprian dame , who had spent a considerable time in the service of venus , growing old , bethought her self how she could spend the residue of her days ; and resolved upon the ancient and venerable profession of a bawd , and that she might not be altogether disappointed of those pleasures , she procur'd others , she painted egregiously . a gentleman one time coming to her house , and taking notice how ill she had laid on the fucus , or paint , drolling said , most incomparable madam , i cannot look in your face , but the lustre thereof makes my eyes dazle ; do they so ( said she ) i am sorry your eyes are so weak , the bastard eagle cannot look against the sun , i wish your eyes better , that they may be able to contemplate my greater splendour . a young married gentlewoman of the town of alerson in normandy , had a parrot whom amongst other things , used to say walk , cuckold , walk ; one day , a doctor of physick of her acquaintance coming that way , she perceiving him , by often repeating those words to the parrot , he spoke nothing else as he past along ; the doctor seeing the gentlewoman by the cage , made a stop , and said , madam you have done very well , to teach your parrot to call men by their proper names , as walk cuckold , walk , but you would have done much better , if you had taught him , how to distinguish persons , which i perceive he is ignorant of , he takes me to be your husband . the count d'avergne , going with a natural son to the king of france , to the church in paris , call'd quinze vingts , a place designed for the relief of the poor blind ; in the church-yard there stood begging an old man , who had totally lost his sight ; yet was given too much to curse , and swear ; the count advised this natural son to extend his charity to this poor fellow , which he denyed , saying , i hate to give to counterfeits , nay , said the count , this man sure is not one ; i but said the other he is one , and can see as well as i do , and to prove what i say , i will go to him , and without saying a word you shall see he know● me ; with that stepping towards him , he came so near him that he chanced to tread upon his toe ; the blind man hereupon cry'd out , a pox on you for a rotten son of a whore , go and be domn'd . look you there ( said this natural son to the count ) you may perceive by what he says , he knows me as well as you do . emanuel duke of savoy , an ingenious and generous prince , having been deprived of all his estate by henry the fourth , was necessitated to go to lions , where the king then was , to make his address to his majesty ; on sign whereof he fell on his knees , humbly beseeching his majestie to restore him to his former condition ; the king seeing him in that posture , said , brother , i am troubled to see you in this posture , and much more for your misfortune , but you must attribute this to your own fault , and the force of arms , however , rise , and assure your self i will do to the utmost of my power what shall conduce to your future satisfaction and content . the duke of savoy seeing his majesty in such a good humour , continued still on his knees , which caused his majesty once more to say , rise ; whereupon the duke replyed , i am reduced to so low and weak a condition , that i cannot rise of my self , and nothing can raise me but your royal hand sir. whereupon the king rais'd him at once , both on his legs , and to his former estate . a young man married a pretty bucksome young woman in charenton near paris , and being in bed , the first night he let a rouzing fart ; his new bedded consort very much displeased thereat , askt him why he would offer so soon to play the beast ? alas sweet-heart ( said he ) don 't you know , when a fortress is besieged , in making a breach , the cannons will roar ; in troth husband ( said she ) you need not have put your self to that trouble , for the breach was made , long since , wide enough for a whole army to enter two in a breast . a young cavileer , riding from paris to orleans , overtook by the way a sprightly young lass , travelling on foot ; taking pity of her , said , that if she pleased , he would take her up behind him ; she consented , but the horse would not agree to the bargain , but kick'd and flounc'd strangely ; well sir ( said she ) i see you are more civil than your beast , who need not have taken it in such dudgeon to carry me , if he knew how light i am ; excuse him sweet heart ( said he ) for i believe he thinks you fitter to carry behind than he ; if so ( said she ) he deserves not the name of a horse , but an ass , for any one that knows any thing may easily see , i am fitter to carry before than behind . a jolly fellow at orleans , living at marsellis , being in bed let a great fart , and repeated it twice or thrice ; hearing his wife nothing but laugh , said to her , in troth you need not be so merry , for if this wind continue , you are like to have foul and filthy weather ; falling asleep , she raised her bum , and so bepist him , that it ran from the nape of his neck down his back to his heels ; he awakeing , askt her what the devil she meant by that ? nothing indeed husband ( said she ) what i did was only to prevent that loathsome storm you threatned me with , for i have heard a little rain will allay a great wind. a taylor going to confession , was askt by his father confessor , whether he had any thing in his hands which he had wrong'd another of ? no indeed , said the taylor ( knowing he should be enjoyn'd to make restitution ) i have nothing now , for i have disposed of my several theft yesterday to a broker , willing to discharge my shop , as well as my conscience ; his confessor hearing that , said , and indeed i have taken physick to day which hath discharged me of all my pardons , so that i have not one left for such dissembling penitents . signieur de morvilleers going to a town called swasie , met by the way a fool , about twenty years old , to whom he said , come hither friend , go along with me , and thou shalt be my fool , doing nothing but eat and drink , and spend the time as thou wilt thy self . ah , said the fool , i cannot do that , i am my fathers fool , for he made me ; if you will have a fool , make one your self . but , said the lord , i am more wise than to make a fool ; well then , said the fool , i 'le go and make one for you ; then , said my lord , according to what you said before , he will not be my fool , but thine ; not so neither ( said the fool ) he shall be all yours ; for the one half which your wife helpt to make , shall be yours , and the other half which belongs to me , will i make a present of to you . quere whether this was the saying of a fool. one day a gentleman seeing hogs in his vineyard , called to his servant and bid him go and see whose they were ; being in a great passion , he swore , whosoever they were , he was certain they belong'd to a cuckold , and a cuckold maker , a rogue , a rascal , and a son of a whore : this man returning and hearing his master say so , cry'd , hold sir , hold , the hogs are your own ; the devil they are said he , well if they be , what i have said , i cannot unsay , and i must stand to 't . a simple young man in gascoign had a very great love to a young maid as he thought , and that he might live with her quietly without wrangling hereafter , he thought of this expedient ; one day he told her , that it was his full intent to marry her , and to prevent future quarrels , he said he would tell her all the secrets of his heart , that their alliance might be stronger ; amongst many other things , he told her , that in the heat of blood he had got a son , on a friend of his , which son was yet living , and desired her not to take it amiss : no no ( said she ) i am very well pleased , and now , sir , let me tell you , that a friend of mine got me with child , and if you intend to fortify our alliance , it may be done with another marriage , that is between your son , and my daughter . a butchers wife in paris having been suspected by her husband to have cuckolded him ; to free him in part of that jealousie , seemed very devout , and frequently went to confession . one day she went to her confessor , who amongst many questions , ask'd her , whether sometimes she had not a mind to the flesh ? indeed ( said she ) i love flesh so well , that my mouth waters when ever i see a good bit , though it be in lent ; but i hope you eat it not , ( said he ) not for a world , ( said she ) i but ( said he ) this is not the flesh i mean ; answer me , whether you ever had copulation with any besides your husband ; no indeed father ( said she ) i never had collation with any but my husband . then ( said he ) in plainer termes , had you never a desire to lie with another man ? i must confess ( said she ) i had a great mind to an apothecaries man , our next neighbour , but never did any thing ; for indeed the fool either would not , or could not understand my meaning , though it was as plain as a pike-staff . ah sister ( said the confessor ) you know the will is as good as the deed ; however for this time i will absolve you ; that being done , she dropt him a low curtsie , and said , father , i am willing to send you a quarter of mutton ready roasted for supper , if you will take it in good part . he thanked her , and said he would . the service of the great mass being finished , he with a couple of his friends , whom he invited to supper , came accordingly , but the mutton came not , wherefore a messenger was sent to the butchers wife who told him , she had sent it allready , he delivering his message was sent back to assure her there was no such matter : the woman remembring the words of the confessor , said , friend go tell your master , i had a good will to send it , but my husband would not let me ; now your master told me , we must take the will for the deed , and so he is like for me , and be as well content without the quarter of mutton , as if he had received it . a gascoign newly coming to paris , as he● walkt the streets , he saw the kings favorite richly attired , and magnificently attended , which made him enquire of one standing by ; who that should be ? he is one ( replyed the other ) of great esteem at court , and hath his majesties ear , h●w ( said the gascoign ) nay then it is no wonder that his majesty is deaf to so many just complaints of late , if his ear be in anothers possession . it is said , that women are a paradice for mens bodies , a hell for their souls , and a purgatory for their purses . it hapned that a young gentleman of roan was very much in love with a fair and witty gentlewoman of the same place ; but had not the confidence to acquaint her with his desires , at length finding an opportunity , better then he could wish , he presumed at length to tell her how passionately he had lov'd her for a long time , but had not the boldness to say so much before , thinking to have employed a friend in that affair . sir ( said she ) i must pity your ignorance in that you do not know , that every mans self is the best messenger in amorous affairs ; according to the italian proverb , iministri non operan● mai bene comea cui tocca : and knowing you to be a traveller , you might have acquainted your self with that true spanish adage : d●lea una muger una vez quiela quieres , el diabolo selo dira ciento ; that is , tell a woman but once that you love her , and the devil will tell it her an hundred times after . at calais there lived a young woman as famous for wit and beauty , as infamous for her debauchery : her husband was a very silly fellow , and though he knew of the dishonesty of his wife with several persons , yet he but mildly reproved her , fearing to do otherwise ; but still advised her for the future to lock the door against such cuckold-makeing rascals ; alas sweet heart ( said she ) what will that signifie , since you know my lock is such , that every key will fit it . a gentleman meeting one day with a jester that belonged to the duke of rouen , askt him , what was his name : my name , said he , is like my fathers . and what is his name ? why his ( quoth he ) is like mine . then what is both your names ( said the gentleman ) to which the jester replyed , one like another . a gentleman of provence had a wife so plentiful stored with the worst of ill qualities , that he grew weary of his life , not knowing what to do or how to be rid of her safely , at length this project came into his head ; he had a mule , which he fed four days with dry meat , without one drop of water , all that while ; the fifth day he perswaded his wife to ride abroad with him to take the air , and mounted her on that very mule , which he knew she delighted in , and he himself backt another : riding along they came at last near a deep river , at sight whereof , the mule being parcht with thirst , and over greedy to quench it , ran violently into the midst thereof , which was out of his depth , and so lost his own with the life of his mistress . bertrand de guelclin , general to charles the fifth , who had no farther occasion to make use of him at home , desired his majesty to give him leave to march into granada to fight against the sarazens . now for the thieveries and violences this bertrand had committed , both he and the whole army were excommunicated by pope vrban the fifth . bertrand takes his way into spain by avignon , where the said pope had then his residence , who hearing of a great army marching towards him , sent a cardinal to know what they intended , or demanded : bertrand made answer , tell our holy father , that we are come to receive pardon , and absolution for thesins we have committed , and the punishments we have deserved , and to be freed from the excommunication : likewise we demand two thousand florins in gold for our present substance , and to carry us on in the work of propagating the christian faith. the cardinal returning this answer , said the pope , it is strange , and wonderful to me , that these men should demand absolution and money too , since we are accustomed to receive money before we give absolution . one asking diogenes the cynick what he would have to take a cuff on the ear , he answered him a helmet . the same man walking in the fields , and seeing a young man shooting very unskilfully , went and sate down very near the mark ; some asking him why he did so , he answer'd least peradventure he that shoots should hit me . an abbot in a monastery bid one of the young students to construe an hymn in which was this word pedo , which signifies a shepheards crook at which the scholler was much puzled . wherefore the abbot commanded him to look that word in the dictionary , where having lookt , he crys out pedo , pedis , pedere , which signifies to fart , at which the rest broke forth into a loud laughter ; the abbot being thereat very angry , struck one of them , saying , you rascal , do you laugh , whilst we are talking of sacred things . a priest living in popish ignorance , and willing to prove the parish must pave the church , and not he , proved it out of the old testament , in these words , paveant illi , non illi , non paveam ego . an english man being in the company of a french man , said in praise of his country , that we give the lyon , the prince of all beasts , for our armes ; the french man replyed , 't is true ; yet , leo gallum per horrescit . two shavelings ( alias fryers ) were in disputation , whether god had made more worlds then one ? the one of them alledged that passage in the gospel , concerning the cleansing of ten leapers , being christs words , annon decem facti sunt mundi ? the other having had recourse first to the text , answered him as learnedly with the words following , sed ubi sunt illi novem . a certain man in spain , being to be markt in the fore-head for having three wives , one said he might be spared , for he was markt in the forehead when he had but one wife . witty sayings of a french jester . that a physician was naturally brother to the wormes , because he was engendred out of mans corruptions . he adviseth all men to be kind & courteous to hemp : being askt the reason , quoth he , it is the most revengeful thing in the world : for if a man beat it , especially in bridewel , it is a hundred to one , but it will be the death of him shortly after . standing by some swearing at play , he said , he that swears when he looseth his money by gameing , may challenge hell by way of purchase . he said a prodigal was like a brush , which spent it self to make others go handsome in their apparrel . seeing a man in the pillory ; he said , that certainly there must be a great deal of pleasant oratory in it , or else men would not have their eares nailed to it . he said , that antiquaries love every thing as duch-men do cheese , for being mouldy and worm-eaten . he contradicted one for saying , that the players in paris had but an idle employment ; sure sir ( said he ) you are mistaken , for their whole lives are nothing but action . being asked by one , how he should use tobacco that it might do him good , he answered , you must keep a tobacco shop , and sell it , for certainly there are none else find good in it . he said , that poetry and plain dealing were a couple of handsome wenches , and he that wedds himself to either , shall dye a beggar . he compared women to quich sands , which seemed firm , but if a man came upon them , he fell in over head and shoulders . of all trades he said , a tooth-drawer was the most unconscionable , because his trade was to take away that , whereby every man gets his living . and that a hangman's profession was the most contemplative of all others , because he never was to work , but he was put in mind of his own end . seeing some reapers in harvest time , he told them , that corn was a quarrelsome creature , because it rose by the blade , and fell by the ears with those that cut them . that colliers and mine-workers should be well acquainted with all philosophical secrets of the earth , because they have deeper knowledge in it then any others . that drawers and tapsters should be men of great esteem , because they are men not only of an high calling , but also of a great reckoning . of all knaves ( he said ) there was the greatest hope of a cobler , for though he be ever so idle a fellow , yet he is always mending . one time seeing a tall man , he said , that for certain he must needs be a great polititian , because he had an extraordinary reach . he said a squint eyed man could not but be very circumspect , since he looked so many ways at once . that glasiers might be chosen , and concluded good deciders of controversie , or arbitrators , for they spend most of their time in composing of quarrels . that carpenters were the civiliest and honestest of all men , for they never do their business without a rule . that physicians of all men had the best on 't , for if they did well , the world did proclame it , if ill , the earth did cover it . that vintners are very rash fellows , because they draw upon all occasions : and so expert at their weapons , that they let very few go away scot-free . that fidlers are very unfortunate in their occupation , for they never do any thing , but it is against the hair . that trumpeters are ever subject to distempers , for commonly when they are most in health , they will fall a sounding . that ostlers and horse-coursers are happy men , for let the world go how it will , and let there be never so much alteration in times and persons , yet they are still to be accounted stable-men . a person drunk one day , railing at him , he told the company he mattered not any thing what he said in his cups , for he spake nothing that he could stand to . he said , some taylors were like wood-cocks , because they lived by their long bills . that a prison is a good instrument of reformation , for it makes many rogues and lewd fellows , staid men . discoursing of a common-wealth , he said , that in that of fishes there are many officers , herring is the king ; the sword-fish his guard ; lobsters aldermen ; crabs constables , dog-fish serjeants , and their yeomen ; and poor john , or stock-fish , the common sort of people . that coblers might be said to be good men , because they set men upright , and are ever employ'd in mending souls . he said , that a tavern and houses of entertainment were the only place for men to thrive in , for he said , he had seen many a score made there . that carriers are wise men , for they will not meddle with any thing , but they will know of what moment and weight it is . that painters were cunning fellows , for they had a colour for what ever they did . he said , that court-gallants had reason to be good schollars , by reason they were deep in many books . one was saying to him , that some letters in the hebrew alphabet were longer then any other whatever : that 's not so , said he , for in ours we have one , an l long . that glovers get a great part of their living , by cutting purses , and are never punish'd for it . seeing on a time a man with a great nose and thin beard , he said that the shadow of that mans long nose hindered the growth of his beard . hearing of a wench ( that was bred on the alms of the parish ) who had left one of her bastards to be kept by them also , i commend her , said he , for her gratitude ; having done like the grateful stork in holland , for it is reported of them , that they never depart but leave one of their young behind them , in recompence of the kindness they received from their land-lord . he was wont to say , that the portuguise seems a fool , and is so ; the spaniard seems wise , and is a fool ; the french seems a fool , and is wise ; the englishman is wise , but cannot show it ; and the dutchman would be wiser , were it not for his liquor . well , said he , may sick persons be called patients , since they suffer so much by their physitians . he said , that soldiers in peace , were like chimneys in summer . a bull prologue . supposedly writ by sr. w.d. you who sitting here , do stand to see our play , ( which must this night , be acted here to day . ) be silent pray , though you aloud do talk : stir not a jot , though up and down you walk , for every silent noise the players see , will make them mute , and speak full angerly . o stay but here until you do depart , gently your smiling frowns to us impart . and we most thankless thankful will appear , and wait upon you home , but yet stay here . a bull letter . my dear and only son , yet dear thou ant not to me , i must needs say ; for thou hast cost me nothing yet , but the pains i took to bring thee into the world , and since to maintain thee at home , and when but a boy , i seeing thee a lusty man , i sent thee my dear child to london , and gave thirty pounds to prentice with thee . i hear to my comfort , thou do'st want for nothing , neither cloaths , nor victuals ; yet fearing that provision thou canst not come to at all times , i have sent thee a cheese marked f thine one father-in-lawes christen-name , and i have sent thee also an old cloak of thine uncles , to make thee a new coat on 't . thou knowest i love thee too well , and therefore least thou shouldst abuse it , i would not have thee see it ; to that end i have sent thee up twenty shillings by the carrier , but thou must not know i sent it . thy sister is sick a bed though thanks be to god very well recovered , and so i rest as long as i live , and after death , thy ever loving , &c. bulls . one hearing mackerel cryed on a sabbath day ; seemed to wonder at it , and askt of his friend why it was suffer'd ; said the other , there are two sorts of fish which are allow'd to be cryed on sunday , and they are milk and mackerel . two scullogues or vulgar irish men talking after their wises rate together , said one , charles the first is dead , god bless him ; now if charles the second ( god bless him ) dye , must not james d●ke of yorke be called chales the third . there are three things ( said one ) and all of them begin with one letter which are very hurtful , nay destructive to mankind , and they are wine , women , and tobacco . one protested to me that he knew a fellow would wright a hand as good as most men , with his toes . another speaking of the thunder and lightning we had much about the time of that dreadful tempest which did so much mischief in holland , said , lord what a horrible tempestuous night we had yesterday morning . two fellows bragging what brave houses their masters kept at christmas , says one , my master kills every day an ox. pish said the other , my master kills an ox and a half . one brought a butcher before a justice for killing a cow that dy'd in a ditch of her own accord , and selling her flesh in the market . one told another with indignation that he had received an affront from a very goose ; oh said the other , i know what goose you mean ; i am sure 't is a goose with too legs . an ignorant she-cockney seeing a goose with many young goslins , said , she wondred how she could suckle them all . a gentleman and his man walking in the fields , the man observed a fellow riding on a cow ; look master says he , yonder 's a fellow rides on horseback on a cow , that 's a bull , says the master ; no sir , says the man , i know it is a cow by his teats . one walking with his friend , and both very poor , met with an old acquaintance grown rich , look ●ard one , don't you see who goes yonder , that wont see us ; yes , said the other , he sees us w●ll enough , though he will not look upon us . a gentleman going by water with his friend , ●ell into some discourse , which the busie waterman understanding , put in for a share in their discourse ; one of the gentlemen being angry hereat , told him , he was a saucy busie fellow , in that he must have an oar in every mans boat , and bade him hold his tongue ; but he continuing his babling , i protest said the gentleman , as they were in the middle of the thames , if thou dost not hold thy tongue the sooner , i will knock thy head and the wall together . a grave citizen of london , though not so wise as he should be , talking with some of his neigbours concerning his shop , he had then newly rebuilt after the fire ; truly ( said he ) i think i have contrived it to the best advantage , for it hath the morning sun all day long in it . 't was at first when the fashion of gray freeze came up amongst the gentry , especially for riding suits , that a wise-acre considering that it was then a-la-mode , asked if there were no black of that colour , for he had a mind to have a coat of it . one exclaiming against another who ran away in his debt , a pox light on him ( said he ) i am sure i lent him six and f●rty good shillings all in half crowns . when guinneys were first coyned they were a great rarity in the countrey ; one coming from london more gallant then wise , seeing the people so eager to see them , alas ( said he ) throwing down two or three of them , these are so common in london , that you cannot receive forty shillings , but you must take seven or eight of them whether you will or no. one being chid by his friends for wearing his nailes so long ; i can assure you said he , i pare them every foot . after the sad and dismal fire in london , when nothing was left standing , but ruines , one passing by as they were pulling down a wall ; have a care , have a care ( crys he to the labourers ) for i see the foundation just tumbling on your heads . one sitting at supper his cat past to and fro through his armes , brushing her tail against his mouth , this so offended him , that in a rage he cuts off the tip of her tail , saying , i think now mrs. puss , i have given you an ear-mark : for the present the cat absented her self , but the next day came again according to her wonted manner ; whereupon in a fury , says he , why , how now you troublsome bitch are you come again , i thought i had given you your break-fast last night . a carpenter being at work in a bowling-green , was askt , what he was doing ? i am making a bench for the standers by to sit upon . a scholar meeting a poor ignorant fellow on the road , how far friend ( says he ) to cambridge ? faith sir i know not ( says he ) but from cambridge to this town is counted seven miles . a physitian visiting a sick woman , and finding her lye on her back , advised her to lye on her side , 't is very right mr. doctor ( said her husband ) i always told her , her back was the worst ●ide for her to lye upon , and she would never believe me . prythee said one , why dost thou wear one of thy stockens the wrong side outwards ? o ( said he ) it hath a hole on the other side . a company of fellowes in the height of their mirth threw tobacco pipes one at another . tom with a piece of pipe hit john in the face , but tom denyed that he did it , well it was ill done of you tom , though said john , who ever did it . two quarrelling in a tavern were prevented from fighting by the company , well ( said the one ) though i am hindred from having my revenge now , know that i will kick thee down stairs where ever i meet thee . one in february drinking march bear which was very mellow , complained of the newness of it , saying , sure this march-beer cannot be above six weeks old . a tobacconist who had fum'd away that little under standing he had , hearing some praise and others dispraise his tobacco , said , well gentlemen you may say what you please ; but a sweeter and cleaner tobacco you never saw , for i am sure there is neither leaves nor stalks therein . a precise presbyterian , hearing much swearing in a bowling-green , said , fie gentlemen , forbear , it is god's great mercy the bowling-green doth not fall on your heads . a customer asking a barber where he might have some water to wash his hands , yonder ( said he ) there is some in that empty tub. one said , that the wind changed very often that day ; for ( said he ) i went up corn-hill in the morning , and it was in my back , and in less then half an hour returning i found it in my face , going up thither again in the afternoon , i found it in my back again . one seeing his son play roguish tricks , why sirrah ( said he ) did you ever see me do so when i was a boy as you are ? a very noted bull-maker lying on his death-bed desired of his friends when buried , that they would for an epitaph onely write these words on his tombstone , here lies honest ralph , as dead as any man living . one amner the great bull-maker of windsor , tumbling one day over a form , a pox on 't ( said he ) i have burnt my shins . a barber , in the countrey , seeing his neighbour cut down a pear-tree askt him for some of it , why , what would you do with it said the other , i would ( replyed he ) make some b●x combs thereof . a gentleman both foolish and covetous hearing his steward say , he had killed him a bullock against the holy-days ; what ( said he ) do you mean to undoe me by such extravagant expences ; i will have but halk a one kill'd at a time . one bid his shoo-maker make one of his boots bigger then the other , and when he brought them home , a pox on you for a rogue ( said he ) i bid you make one bigger , and you have made one less . a mechanick in the late licentious times , when every sordid tradesman took afreedome to prate what he would instead of preaching ; i say this fellow usurping the pulpit , would needs be in his comparisons , ( said he ) the wicked keep company and flock together as beasts , birds , and fishes : the whoremasters keep one another company , as goats on the mountains : the whorish , baby lonish priests keep company , as rooks , daws and crows seperate themselves , so do drunkards meet together in numbers , accompanying each other even as the white herrings swim together by themselves , and the red herrings by themselves . one ordering the cloath to be taken away having dined , and having poultrey , said hastily , pray be sure save the chickens for the crums . a fishmonger looking on a well-boat building to keep his fish alive therein , observing but few holes , cryed out , d' ye hear you carpenter , the holes are not full of boats enough . one of the vergers of the king's chappel ( a noted bull-maker ) coming in one sunday morning , observed his brother had placed several of his friends in divers pews before any of the nobility , &c. were come , being angred at this , he came running to the other verger , saying , prithee , what hast thou done , you have almost half filled the chapple before any one is come . the same man at another time meeting his god-son , askt him , whither he was going ? to school said the boy . that 's well done ( said he ) there is a tester , be a good boy and follow thy book , and i hope i shall live to hear thee preach my funeral sermon . one who took great delight in cock-fighting , kept game-chickens , who had made themselves bald by fighting , seeing them in that condition , he complained to his friend , saying , i don't know what i shall do with my chickens , for what with fighting , and what with creeping under the pens , these today things have scrub'd all their hair of their heads . the same man came running to me one day and complained grievously of the unkindness of the church-wardens ; why , what 's the matter ( said i , ) the matter quoth he ; why , they have divided my pew , and thine which is next it , into one . a country attorney lying in grays ●un lane over against the gate , lest one day ( as it is usual ) a note in his door , to signifie where he was gone , but the contents of this note were very unusual ; for thus he writ , i am gone to the grays-inn-walks tavern , if you cannot read what here is written , ca●y it over the way to a stationers , and he will do it for you . a gentleman more welthy then wise travell'd into italy with his tutor , to gather understanding ; being in company a flattering french-man praised the hilt of the english-man's sword extreamly , whereupon the gentleman being of a free spirit , told him , it was at his service , his tutor seeing this , was vext to some purpose , wherefore taking his opportunity he chid his pupil for indiscretion , telling him , he might have found twenty ways to have excused himself for not panting with his sword , particularly thus , that truly it should be at his service , but that it was a gift of a dear friend , and withal , that he had a dagger of the same : well said the young gentleman , i will beware for the time to come ; the french-man coming one morning into his chamber very much prais'da pair of slippers that he then wore ; truly ( said the young gentleman ) they should be at your service , but that i have a dagger of the same . a reverend justice in the county of norfolk being willing to befriend an old servant of his that had stoln a mare ; said ( as he sate upon the bench ) gentlemen of the jury , this poor fellow was once my servant , and as honest a fellow as ever trod on shoo of leather , however he came now to steal a mare , which is fellony as i take it , and therefore ought to be hang'd ; but pray consider that he is very penitent , i can assure you , and will never do so again ; wherefore to save his life , pray go out and find it manslaughter . it is reported of a mayor of an inland town in the west countrey , in the time of the civil wars , calling his brethren together to consult the safeguard of the town , from the injury of the approaching enemy , said , brethren let us seperate our selves together , and let us with great inconsideration endeavour to fortifie the town ; in short , it is my opinion , that there is nothing more to be done , but to make the walls navigable . a gentleman who had liv'd long enough to be wiser , had a maid-servant who was married out of his house , several years after , she came to visit her old master , who at the sight of her was much over-joy'd , and made much of her , amongst many other questions he askt her , how many children she had ? to which she replyed ; sir , i have none and never bad any . sayst so , that 's very strange , that such a buck-some young woman as you are should have no child ; but now i think on 't , what a fool was i to ask that question , for now i well remember thy mother bad no child neither . a sea captain newly came a shore , was invited to a hunting match , after the sport was over , coming home , he related to his friend what pastime he had abroad , in this manner ; our houses being compleatly rag'd , we man'd them , and the wind being at west southwest ( twenty of us being in company ) away we stood over the downs , in a time of half a watch we spy'd a hare under a full gale , we tackt and stood after her , coming up close , she tackt and we tackt , upon which tack , i had like to have run a ground , but getting close off , i stood after her again , but as the devil would have it , just about to lay her aboard , baring too much wind , i and my horse over-set , and came keel upward . a foolish gentleman riding upon the road with his man , was perswaded to ride faster , or else they should come late into their ian ; for said his servant it is eight a clock by my watch , prythee said his master put thy watch an hour backwards , and then we may ride ●eisurely , having time enough . the same gentleman bid his man the next morning early , look out of the window and see whether it was day , the man looking out , told his master , it was yet as dark as pitch , you fool ( said he ) if it be so dark , how canst thou see day unless thou 〈◊〉 canale . one askt another , whether he had read such a book from end to end : that 's a bull said the other , for a book hath a beginning and an end● but inever heard before , that it hath two ends ; it may be so said he ; and you may as well say , that you never heard of a man that could begin a psalm backwards . a gentlewoman seeing her servant go undecently about the house with her sleeves stript up to her arm-pits , call'd hastily to her , saying , i wonder wench thou wilt go up and down thus with thy armes about thy elbows . one askt another , what news from the sessions-house ? why , said he , there were four condemned , and three were whiz'd in the fist ; one where of i am confident was burnt in the hand with a cold iron . one was telling what a stratagem a bayliff used to take a person indebted , who lay concealed , and would not stir abroad , said he , to cause the people of that house wherein the person was , to open the door to see what was the matter , he ran to and fro in sight of the house stark naked in his shirt . one commending his own writing said , that he knew very few that writ better than himself ; you talk like a fool said the other , you write , you sh — i know a fellow that will write with his toes a better hand than you . one askt another at sea if he were forced to it , which he had rather loose his legs or his arms ; in troth said the other , i had rather lose my legs ; for should i loose my hands , where ever i went i could not help my self , but sit with my hands in my pockets . two travelling over shot-over-hill to oxford , said one , this shot-over-hill is a fine place for a wind-mill ; i said the other if there were any probability of forcing water hither . a countrey-manseeing a great many stones piled up in st. paul church-yard , said to his friend , i wish i had a good quantity of these stones at home : what would you do with them said the other ? why , said he , with those stones i would build a brick-wall round my house , a traveller swore , that in the deserts of arabia he had seen a vnicorn with two hornes . one complaining to another of the unkindness of his supposed friend , said , i no sooner turn'd my back but he abus'd me to my very face . one at dinner demanded of another what part of the bullock a clod of beef was , the other laught at his ignorance , and told him it was the shoulder bone of the flanck . one seeing an orchard whose trees were very full of pears , askt one what the owner intended to do with them all , o says he , he sells them to bakers to make two penny apple pies . a fellow that was rob'd complain'd , saying , the thieves had stolen all his brass and pewter excepting one iron pot. two passing the streets in a serious discourse were interrupted by a dumb beggar , sirrah ( said one ) don 't you see we are busie , therefore leave off your importunity , or i 'le set you packing , and thereupon lifted up his foot to kick him . o fie said his friend , will you kick a dumb man ? is he dumb said the other ? why did he not tell me so . many dining together at one ordinary , made a match to play at bowles , but one would play but two shillings rubbers ; before i will play for so little ( said the other ) i will sit down and walk horses . one indeavouring to prove which of all creatures was longest liv'd , swore that an eel lived longest after it was dead . one passing the ferry at hampton court , the ferry-man's wife at that time officiated , whereat he wondred , saying , i never tell now saw a woman ferry-man . one being sentenced to dye fell on his kne●s and begg'd of the judge to spare him his life for his poor wifes sake and his fatherless children . one relating to his friend how hard hedrank the day before , said , faith tom i bore my drink better than any of them for a long time , but at length , finding i could neither go nor stand , i sneakt away and ran home as hard as i could drive . one was telling another , how healthful it was to live in a good air , and how un who lesome in a bad , in troth i believe you sail be , for i my self lived in a fenny , unhealthy air , where if i had lived till this time , i am sure ; i should have been dead seaven years ago . a person boasting how good his credit was , said , that he knew a scrivener who would at any time lend him forty pound on his own bond without either scrip or scrowl . one coming into an inn , askt the host , how long he had lived there , not three days yet , sir , said he , the other pausing a while , askt how many barrells he drew a week . a person of quality in a church , coming near the place where his ancestors were buried , after he had prais'd them for worthy men , well , said he , if i live i will be buried by them . two playing at tick-tack for mony , he that lost , desired they might play a while for nothing ; now he that before had lost so many games , now won more , whereupon he said to the other , when we play for money you always beat me , but if you will play for nothing , i will play with you for an hundred pounds . two walking together in a cloyster , and boasting of their running , one said to the other , do you run this way , and i 'le run that way , and i 'le hold you ten pounds i meet you , before you meet me . a purblind fellow in a thick foggy morning , passing through cheapside ran against a post , and taking it for a man said , i cry you mercy ; and presently running against another , said , i cry you mercy again sir , truly i think you and i shall meet in heaven . a captain seeing a very proper man , askt who he was , his name is jackson said one , i have heard of one jackson who fought a duel with talbot and was slain , said he , this is not that jackson is it ? one passing by a polterers shop , and feeing a goodly swan lying upon a stall said , i wish that swan were mine , why said the other , what would you do with it if it were , why said he , i would make a goose-pye on 't against christmass . one seeing a parcel of merry companions , said , i marry sir , now i see you are merry in sober sadness . one going into an ale-house , call'd for a pot of all ale with a little beer in 't . a hireling player being deny'd the augmentation of his wages , grew angry , and said , if you wont , you shall see me in ireland within these two dayes . a foolish fellow making lamentable faces , was askt what was the matter , o said he , i have such a pain in my thigh , that i cannot lift my hand to my head. a blind minister coming to speak with a gentleman , his man came and : told him , that the old blind minister was come to see him . one who had been in the east-indies , swore he had seen an entire chrystal rock of pure-gold . one falling from his horse , and pitching on his head , ran amongst a company of people standing by , and swore his neck was broken . one complaning to his friend , how many crosses he groaned under , said , my vexations are so great , i wish my self out of this life , or out of the world , i care not whether . one threatning another absent , meaning to say , that where e're he met him he would kill him , though he found him pissing against a wall , swore hastily , that where e're he met him , he would run him through a wall pissing . one rebuk'd his friend , for calling one son of a whore , for said he , you know his mother hath the general repute of a very honest vvoman . it is true replyed the other , i know his mother to be an honest woman , and yet he is the son of a whore for all that . one having his head broken at the bear-garden in several places , coming home , desiring his wife to have a great care of him , for said he , i have ten broken heads at least . one praysing much the lord mayor of that present year ; another standing by , said , he had seen a thousand better . another much alike . one complaining of the badness of trade in smithfield , said , he had seen an hundred and an hundred bartholomew-fairs , but never came a worse then that . one said , he would never endure the moon again , for said he , the quean served me a slippery trick in faith the other night ; for she did light me along very well till i came to a ditch , and then slipping behind a cloud , she let me fall in . one being in the water , desired his friend to come in also , to which he replyed , he could swim no more then a dog , being entreated the second time , said , i protest i can swim no more then a post , and being prest the third time , said he , why then i vow and protest i can swim no more then a goose . one said , it was ten miles from london to barnet , the other said it must be more , for it was so far to his knowledge forty years ago , and sure miles , as all other things have their encrease . one complaining of the folly of the age , swore men were wiser in future times then now . one being desired to sit down to dinner , said , i thank you kindly , but i can eat nothing , for i have had a long time no more stomach then a horse . a country fellow askt what sir copplestone banfields christian name was ? he answered , he had almost forgot , but certain he was , that it was either richard , or thomas one excusing himself to his friend , for lying a bed so long , said , he came home very late last night : why , how late was it , said the other ? in troth said he , it was five a clock in the morning . one looking in a latin book , was askt by a friend that over-lookt him , whether he could read it or no ? to whom he replyed , yes indifferently , but it is the most broken english that e're i saw . a fellow hearing one cry sandwich carrets , went to the cart , and looking on them , said , these are not sandwich carrets , indeed said the carter but they are ; whereupon said the other , they may be sandwich carrets , but i will lay my life , they were sown and reapt in london . one seeing a large fat bull , said , i wish i might have a pair of that bulls cow-heels when she is kill'd . a gentleman man hearing his friend spake very impertinently , said , was ever calf so brought to bed of a bull before . one jearing a young saylor , said , he was a fresh water seaman . king james lying sick , one prayed that he might raign as long as the sun and the moon should endure , and the prince his son after him . one having lost his gloves , said , i am so forgetful , that in my conscience i should loose my britch , did i carry it about me . one being newly marryed , being discovered by another to walk discontentedly , said , friend , since thou hast chang'd thy condition , thou walkest up and down like an image . one having a cane in his hand , in merriment , offer'd to strike at his friend therewith , prythee , said the other , leave off fooling , it is ill jesting with edge tools . one said , he had rid his horse till h● had never a dry threed about him . one askt another , how he liked that glass of white wine which they then were drinking ; marry , said he , i never drank wine that pleased me so well , and is so good in every respect , yet to speak the truth ; i have drank better in france . one being advised to go to sea , because he was in debt , no says he , i will not venture my life for my liberty ; let me tell you this in short , i know the sea is dangerous , wherefore i say , i had rather travel all the world over by land , then cross that herring-brook , st. georges channel . one having an extream cough , said , is one cough be so troublesome , what should a man do if he had twenty . one being perswaded to tell a tale , to make the rest merry , says he , i can tell you anotable tale , but to say the truth , at present i cannot remenber one word of it . a very old country churl , said , that the days in queen elizabeths time for exceeded ours for length , for now four and twenty hours to a day is counted a great matter . one going to a house of office , fie upon 't , says he , there is an odorifferous house indeed ; i warrant they eat no sweet meats , that leave these foul sents behind them . one askt another which was the best pot-hearb ; why says he , in my opinion a good fat leg of mutton is the best pot-hearb in the po● one speaking of the weather , and the season of the year , we are like says he , to have a backward spring , for st. matthews day lights on a holy-day . one seeing a swan fluttering in the water , said , what an ass is yonder goose rather to live dabling in the water then on dry land. one riding on a pack-saddle to redding on a tyred jade , says he , i never rid harder in my life , considering the slowness of my pace . a justice examining a poor thieving scholar , said sirrah , you are an arch rogue , but take heed ; for if you be once hang'd , your book cannot save you from the gallows . a cobler complaining to a brother that he could not drink his ale in quiet for a scolding wife , well , says he , it is no matter , for though she should cut my throat and thy throat , yet we will still drink our ale together . a traveller complained to his host , that he was much gaul'd in riding ; how came that to pass , said he , i 'le tell you said the other ; my saddle was soft enough , but i believe my breech came to be galled by riding over a long broken stony causey . one taking leave of his friends , said , well , since we must part , affection will break out of these dry eyes , but farewell and be hang'd , i can but wish you well . one going on the ice , it crackt under him , well said he , if the ice should break i shall be over head and ears , but 't is no matter , i can swim if i were at the bottom of the water . god forgive me says one , i seldom pray but when it thunders , and then i can remember , forty years ago , for fear will quicken a dead mans wits . one having his candle knawn every night by the mice , says he , i will let my candle burn every night , and then i shall be sure , to save it from such destructive vermine . two butchers seeing their dogs fighting , one crys out , the brinded dog proves the better man my life on 't . one asking whence lobsters were brought , the other replyed , one might easily know their countrey by their coat , one sort are fetcht certainly from the black-sea , and the other from the red-sea . one commended his son for a good scholar , for said he , he can read in any thing without book at first sight . a gentleman in a tavern seeing a salt-sellar of foul salt before him , call'd very angerly to the drawer , biding him bring up some fresh salt presently . mr. amner with some of his friends was invited to a funerall not far from windsor , where coming and finding the house full of company , they went into an arbour , having sate there a great while , mr. amner went in to know when the corps would go to church , but finding it gone , he came hastily to his friends , saying to them , come , come , what do you mean to stand fitting there . they are gone , and pointing over the pale , and shewing them the corps and people in the next field , he said , do you not see ? they are out of fight already . at another time he complained to his friend , saying , never was man so abused for coming over datchet-ferry , a scurvy woman water-man put over the boat and landed me clean in the myre . the same mr. amner hearing some of his neighbours perswading one to go into the water with them in the summer time , who could not swim ; said he , neighbour be perswaded for once by me , never go into the water till you have perfectly learned to swim . being asked , whether an intimate friend of his , lately dead , had left him a legacy ? no in faith , quoth he , not a tester to drink his health . about the year , , there was an insurrection in dublin about the building a new bridge over the liffee , some time after , one of these fellows , who was known to be actuall in it , was brought before a justice for some misdemeanour , the justice knowing him , said , sirrah , sirrah , you shall be hang'd if the law will do it , you are a notorious rogue , i remember you in the last resurrection . this justice having rid very hard , his horse grew sick , whereupon he complained , saying , well , well , i have done very ill to ride my horse thus hard , i doubt hee 'l hardly ever be his own man again . a discreet alderman of oxford told some of his brethren , that they should overthrow the university in a law-case ( which was then in agitation ) if by searching the antient records , they could prove henry the second to have been before henry the first . one being to take a journey into the country , was advised by a friend of his not to go that day , for certainly ( quoth he ) it will rain ; pish ( replyed the other ) it is no matter for rain so it hold up under foot . one reading the history of elisha in the old testament , and how the children mocked him , read thus , and there came three she boars ( instead of bears ) out of the forrest , and devoured them . another reading part of an epistle in the new testament , read for salure epaphras , the chosen of the lord , salute epaphras , the cozen of the lord. the same man reading of the uncovering the house in the gospel , to let down the diseased , read , and they let them down in coaches , for couches . another reading the parable of the sower , having it as he thought by heart , and not much minding the book , but did half read it thus , said , and some seed fell among stones , and the stones grew up and choaked it . the same at another time read , and the sheep eat up one of the mountains ? for the sheep eat upon the mountains . another being to read that of st. paul in the acts , hebraei sunt , sum et ego ; read ; ebraei sunt , sum et ego , and was at that time drunk indeed . another taking his text of the feast in the gospel , how camest thou hither without thy wedding garment ? and the man was speechless ; divided it thus . first a question , how camest thou hither , &c. secondly , a answer , and the man was speechless : one walking abroad in a clear moon shine night , said , it was as fine a night as a man shall see in a sommers day . a young scholar was very much perplexed , because in all his dictionary he conld not find what was latin for aqua vitae . one told a melancholy man , that if he liv'd long that sad kind of life , he would dye shortly . a scholar having a very little study , and a company in his chamber desiring to see it , he told them , in faith gentlemen , if you all go in , it will not hold you . a country fellow having seen a gay gentlewoman in a pair of sattin slippers , describing her attire to his companion , said , that the upper leather of her slippers was sattin . a gentleman o're taking another on the way , said , well o're taken sir , the other replyed , and so are you . pleasant stories . a noblemans revenge on a bold serjeant . in poictiers in france a nobleman owing a considerable summ of money , his creditors were resolved to arrest him , let it cost them ever so much ; they soon met with a fellow for their purpose , one who was as impudent as valiant , for he would venture upon the greatest difficulty . one day he met with this lord , and boldly coming up to him , told him what he was , and his business ; the lord made no resistance , but smothering his displeasure and revenge bid the serjeant come along with him ( it being about noon ) he said , he would first dine , and then consider what was to be done . the lord went to a cabaret , or tavern , and having bespoke dinner he privately sent away for some of his servants and then fell into discourse with this serjeant , who began to mistrust some mischief ensuing , and therefore made a thousand simple excuses for enterprising that bold attempt ; the lord said little to him till he had din'd and then he called to one of his gentlemen to bring him a pair of sissers , being brought , go now said he , and pair that fellows nails very close , pointing to the serjeant ; he seeing there was no avoiding it , patiently endured it , although the gentleman cut his nails to the very quick ; this being done , the lord came to him , saying , now , sir , i am assured you cannot scratch me , and i am resolved you shall not be able to bite me neither , so forcing him into a chair he caused his teeth to be drawn out one by one ; now , sir , ( said he ) have a care of abusing the next time any of my rank and quality ; yet now , sir , i will be kind to you after all this , i will sweeten your sauce for you● ; so causing him to be stript stark-naked , he commanded honey to be brought , with which he annointed him all over and roll'd him in feathers : never did african monster appear so strange and ridiculous ; lastly , he caused a label to be fixt to his back , wherein were written these words , this is anti-christ . now said the noble-man , i shall take my leave of you , not without extending my civility farther in your behalf , i doubt you may be indisposed , and therefore you shall ride home ; hereupon this poor devil in feathers was mounted , with his hands tyed behind him , and his face to wards the tail of his horse , and so led through the streets to the great wonder and laughter of the people . the contented cuckold . a nobleman of france did very lately fall in love with a citizens wife of paris , and left no means unattempted till he had made her all compliance : this lord being one day at court saw the husband of this female friend come into the palace 〈◊〉 , and by enquiry sound that his business would not quickly be dispatcht , whereupon away he slunk out of the court , and got privately ( as he thought ) into the house o this citizen , but it seems he was discovered by this citizens brother , who detested the debauchery of his sister , and therefore presently dispatcht away a messenger to court to acquaint his brother what unhappily he had discovered . the citizen presently takes his alarm , and thinking his feet too flow , took coach and drove je●like , to hinder what was allready past prevention . his wife hearing a coach come in that furious manner to her door , imagin'd she was betray'd , and therefore advised the lord that was in bed with her to rise and abscond himself in a place she had provided , in case any such discovery should happen : hearing as he thought some body coming up stairs , for hast left his cloaths on the bed , which shee seeing , in as great haste and confusion , threw them into a chest , but so unadvisedly , that the embroidered sleeve of the doublet hung out , of which she took no notice , but fell to dressing her self as little concern'd , as if she had no more harm in her than in a little female devil newly arrived at the teens , her husband entring the chamber , said , madam , i understanding that my lord came to visit you this morning , i thought he might also have some business of great importance to whisper in my ear , and this made me return sooner than you expected . the gentlewoman confidently replyed , that he was mis-informed , for there had no body been with her that day . her husband looking about the room espied the lords embroydered sleeve hang out of the chest , and ask't whose it was , and how it came thither , this subtle woman , who like the rest of her sex , never wants an excuse in time of extremity , replyed , ( but trembling ) sweet heart , i beg your pardon , for my forgetfulness ; a● gentlewoman , wanting money brought it me to shew you , defiring to have but forty crowns lent upon it ; let mee see it ( said he ) and looking upon it presently knew whose it was , and without discovering any passion , pull'd off his own coat , and put on that embroydered with gold ; when he had so done , come come said he , i must examin your wardrobe , and looking into the chest found what appertain'd thereunto , as hat , cravat , breeches , &c. which he took up and habited himself therewith from top to toe ; being thus gallantly , nay , nobly attired , ●he struts to and fro the chamber , admiring himself in his walk , and when he had left off adoreing himself , said he , now prethee wife tell me , don't i look like a lord ? have not i his very mein ? i cannot believe but i am one now ; do thou believe so to , and we shall hug one the other oftner ; but all this while i pitty the poor gentleman that owns them , for doubtless he hath been at play to night , and losing all , is forced to deposit his garments , and is it may be now a cold for his heat of fancy . this noble-man being in a strange confusion , knew not what to do , nor say ; at length collecting a little courage , she had the confidence to say , sir , you strangely impose upon me ; for why is it not as-lawful for me to go to the court of aids , as for you to go so often to the exchange ? no , replyed he since you have fitted me for the court , i'●e no more to the exchange ; and thereupon instantly went down stairs , and calling for a coach , ordered the coach-man to drive him instantly to the palace royal , where dismounting , he betook himself to the long gallery , where the nobility usually frequented , at his approach , the eyes of all the court were upon him , every one wondering what this fine thing should be , after several opinions were spent upon him , it was concluded by the most , that as he was a stranger , he could by his habit be no less than a nobleman ; at length a courtier , drawing near to caress and complement this noble stranger , looking steadfastly in his face , knew him , and cryed out aloud , o the devil , is it you mr. coqu●lineux ; and thereupon made all the haste from him he could to inform his majesty first of a strange sight was newly come to court , viz. his mercer as fine as any lord. his majesty commanded him to be brought in , which was as the other designed and desired . at first fight the king knew the person , and to whom those fine cloathes properly belong'd , and was strangely surprized at the fight of both so improperly conjoyn'd . at length says the king , coquelineux , prythee thy meaning for this thy phantastical appearance : wouldst thou by this garb ( because i am in thy books ) perswade me to make thee what thou dost personate ? though i owe thee money , yet iowe thee no such honour ; besides , if thou wouldst only barely represent a lord , thou art mistaken in the time , for this is no day of state. the mercer heard his majesty with great attention , and perceiving an answer was expected , replyed , may it please your majesty , my intent of coming hither , was to 〈◊〉 other ●nd then to restore to the right owner his due . this splendid suit with the appurtenances i found in my wives chamber , and discovered where she ●ad laid them by the sle●ve of this embroydered coat hanging out of the chest carelesly : upon a full view , i asks whose they were ; she very ingeniously told me , a gentlewoman brought them to her to shew to me , to know how much i would lend upon them , but i mistrusting they may be stoln from some person of quality , thought fit to put them on , and walk publickly at court , for by that means the right owner may come to a better knowledge of his goods by sight , than any discription . the king could not forbear laughing heartily to see so much seeming honesty , and simplicity in his mercer ; and that which added to his further mirth was the consideration of what a condition the lord was in , whom he concluded to be left without garments : now that his majesty might not lose so brave an opportunity for delight , he caused two pursuivants to be sent immediatly to the mercer's house , and there search for this noble-man , and , if found , to bring him instantly to court , sans all excuse of going any where else . this lord fearing some such design , thought any delay dangerous in staying , cloath'd himself in the habit of the m●rcer , and as an assistance to his disguise , he put on a black gown which he found hanging up , which belong'd to a doctor of physick then lying in the house ; and in this equipage thinking to go home undiscovered , as he was sneaking out of the doors he was met by the pursuivants , who knowing him by his countenance , told him in few words , what his majesty had commanded them , and that without excuse or delay he must instantly appear before his majesty : he seeing there was no avoiding it went ( not without great disorder in his thoughts ) with the officers . the king and several of the nobles seeing this lord in such an antique dress , fell into such a laughter , that they utterly forgot the civility that was due to the royal presence ; the king having laught his sides sore , had at last leisure to say ; how now cozen , whence came you ? the nobleman , who was very facetious , presently replyed , from hell i think an 't please your majesty , for i came from a bottomless pit : indeed ( said the king ) by your garb you look as if you had been a conjuring somewhere . you are in the right sir ( said the lord ) for i can assure your majesty this morning i raised the devil , and laid his damm : in short , i will tell your majesty the whole truth ; a friend of mine was in a high fever , and wanted a cooling clyster , and would have none to administer it but my self : i pittying her condition , in compliance to her desires performed this morning the part of a charitable physitian . the king by these words very well understood what his cozen had been doing , and in railery checkt him : saying , indeed you are to blame to give any woman physick without the consent of her husband ; for the time to come forbear such practices , if for no other cause than to shun making such a metamorphosis as you have done already : for see there , a mercer chang'd into a lord , and here a lord changed into a conjurer ; and so dismist them , allotting the mercer that gorgeous suit in part of satisfaction of the wrong he had received , whilst the others shame was a sufficient punishment . a french noble-man cuckolded by his servants . it is customary among the nobility , and persons of great quality in france to lye in chambers apart from those of their ladies . now there was a lord ( shall be at present nameless ) who notwithstanding his lady was as eminent a beauty as most was in france , yet he must ( forsooth ) follow the humour of the countrey ; now when at any time he had a desire to enjoy the swear embraces of hit lovely consort , rising from his own bed he would stead out in the dark in his shirt , making no noise , and knocking at his ladies chamber dore softly , she knowing his custome gave him admittance ; now besides the mode , he had another reason ( as he said ) to approve thereof , because it lookt so like whoring . having performed the necessary and obliging duty of marriage bed , he returned to his own chamber there to spend the residue of the night in an undisturbed repose . one of this lord 's valet de chambre taking notice of this humour , concluded that he might have the same admittance into his ladies chamber , and participate of the same pleasures by the same means his masters humour had inculcated into his thoughts . upon a serious consultation with himself , he concluded that night best for the accomplishing his design , in which his master had visited his lady ; about an hour after he resolved to put his lustful project in practice ; which he did so well by imitation that he got entrance : your own thoughts may inform you how they spent the time , without my putting the modest to the extrayagant expence of blushes . all i shall say is , that this fellow performed his part so vigorously and so often , that when he went from her , he left her all wonder and amazement : and that which encreas'd her admiration was not only his profound silence , although she urged him to speak to her with all the melting rhetorick she could devise , but the coming of her husband twice as she supposed ; whilst she was thus ruminating with her self being left alone , her husband stimulated more than ordinary by some provocatives he had taken the day before , comes and with his acustomed knock and whisper demanded entrance , she knowing her lords voice arose and let him in ; as he was about to prosecute his accustomed enjoyment , his lady begg'd him to forbear , urging that he was much to blame to be so inordinate in his desires : what ( said she ) could not you my lord ( since you find so great an alteration ) be content to have out done your self this night by so many repetitions , but that you must again expose your body to the injury of the cold in so short a time again ; and coming a third time , in less than two hours ? nay , nay sweet-heart this is but twice , you wrong me indeed said he : to which she replyed , that she was not mistaken , for assuredly it was so often . hereupon this gentleman began to pause upon it ; and from what he had already heard and gathered from other circumstances he verily believed that he had been abused by one of his servants ; but kept all close from his lady ( for she was a vertuous gentlewoman ) to avoid the ill consequences such a discovery might produce . having laid a while ( in which time he studied to divert his lady as he could ) he got up , and being come into his own chamber he could not rest there long , but putting on his breeches and a gown went into all his male-servants chambers that were about him , making , along as he went , a strict enquiry with his nose in every bed , for it seems this lady was well sented . there was one of whom he at length might have some grounds of suspition ; because , besides his complection which never fail'd of ardent inclination to the female sex , he was both a handsome and a very subtle fellow , but he could not tell which bed he lay in ; by chance groping up and down in the dark he sound his bed , and pulling up the cloathes smelt a perfume he was very well acquainted with ; and from thence judged this must be the rogue that had done him this dishonour ; wherefore that he might be sure to know him the next day , he took out of his pocket a pair of sizers , and snipe off one of his whiskers , for then it was the fashion to wear them . this fellow was a wake , and by this knew very well his master , and his design , first by smelling , and then by marking him , that he might be known the next day , to prevent which as soon as his master was gone , he instantly starts up ; and going into all the chambers aforesaid , cuts off ( from every one that had any ) that whisker that was on the same side of the mouth that his was on , and returns to his own bed. the servants getting up next morning , and seeing each others right whisker gone , stood staring one upon another like so many distracted bedlamites , not knowing what to say , or whom to accuse . in short , one that was known sufficiently to be an arch rogue was suspected , and thereupon some of the more passionate fell upon him and abused him most pitifully , others took his part , by which means they were all engaged by the ears ; at the noise hereof the whole house was alarmed , and running to see what was the matter , they were so surprized with the strangeness of such a comical sight , that laying aside all respect to their lord and lady , they laught beyond measure . sure it must be very pleasant to see two such contrary passions , in one entire company , proceeding from one and the same cause . these poor semi-barbarians finding themselves laught it by their fellows , whom they observed not so abused as they were , imagining them the plotters of this mischief , and without examining whether it was so 〈◊〉 no , diverted the quarrel among themselves upon the others . now did the combat begin afresh , with more eagerness than before , which caused one to run and tell the lord , that there was a civil war commenced among his servants , and that if he came not quickly and decided the controversie their fury would utterly leave him destitute of his present attendance . hereupon his lordship commanded a cessation of arms , & commanded they should come before him ; and having cleansed themselves from the blood , each face by fighting had contracted ; ( for as they then were , one face could hardly be distinguisht from the other ) they appeared before their lord in the great hall. in the mean time he ordered his lady to be there . upon the appearance of the men , my lord and lady were possest with the same different passions as their servants ' were ; for the first was in a fury to see that traitor who had abused him ; whilst the other fell into the greatest laughter imaginable ; after a little time the half whiskers made a bitter complaint against the whole whiskers , as to the injury they had sustained in the abuse of their beards ; the defendants alledged that they were guiltless of the fact , and that for their good will in coming to part them they were assaulted by them . to end the controversie , in short , said my lord , it was i that cut off one whisker , whosoever is the owner thereof i will have his head off too for an irreparable injury he hath done me ; their former passion was now converted into another of that for fear , so that now their knees wag'd more then their hands before ; look here ( said my lord ) whose remaining whisker matcheth this in colour , he is the subject of my revenge . hereupon carrats fell on his knees , and beg'd his pardon , confessing the whole truth ; for this witty indeavour of concealment he gave him his life with the loss of his ears , and delivered him over to the abused semi-whiskers who got a blanket and to●t him so long in revenge , that they had like to to●t his bones out of his skin , as well as him out of his lordships service . a mad wooer well sitted . one wooing a widow , more to satisfie his friends , than to oblige his own inclination ; told her , that he had three qualities which she must be acquainted with before he married her . the first was , when he went abroad , and returned home he should be angry without a cause ; secondly , he must eat his meat alone ; and thirdly , that he should lye with her but once a month. if this be all ( said she ) i care not ; for as to the first , you say , you shall be angry without a cause , i will take came to give you cause enough , never fear . and for the second in eating your meat alone , do and spare not ; but it shall be after i have din'd . and as for you lying with me but once a month , take your course ; if you will not , another shall , for in that time , i shall have a months mind to another . a great noise to little purpose . in the latter end of queen elizabeths reign , there was a great rumour of an invasion , where upon great numbers of horse and foot were rais'd about london , insomuch , that the whole kingdom was terribly affrighted ; but all coming to nothing , a countrey gentleman then in the city askt his friend , to what end was all that mustering in london and middlesex . to what end ( quoth the other ? ) why to mile-end ; for there was the general muster . and to what end were so many barges , and liters sent down to block up the thames ? to what end ? why to gravesend , quoth the other . i but said the gentleman to what end was the great hurley-burley by land and water ? to what end ( quoth the other ? ) why in troth as far as i understand to no end at all . the amorous contest . the duke of lerma used , by way of magnificency and state , when he washt before dinner , to give a ring to him that held the bason , and another to him that held the ewer : one time above the rest , having a diamond ring on his finger , he made this publick proposition , that whosoever of the company could relate the saddest story in love affairs should have the ring : whereupon a gentleman there present undertook the task , and thus began . may it please your grace to understand ; that i along time served two mistresses , of different form and feature , the one as foul as the other fair ; the one loved me , whom out of meer gratitude i was obliged to shomsome respect ; the other hated me as much , as i lov'd the other beyond expression . being utterly destitute at last of all hope and comfort , i dedicated my whole time to solitude , which in a little time brought on me a desperate fever , which in the opinion of my physicians would not end , but with my life . the report hereof coming to my cruel fair ones ear , made her come to visit me , who seeing to what weakness i was reduced , smothered no longer her flame ( having for some reasons hitherto , concealed her soft passion ) but professed how endearedly she lov'd me , and how sorry she was her coyness had brought me to this condition . no cordial could so revive my spirits , neither j●lip so allay my unnatural heat , as did these sweet and melting expressions , so that in a short time i recovered my strength . her father hearing of her love , vow'd to cross it , and thereupon lockt her up from my sight ; but finding ( do what he could ) that we privately conveighed letters to one another ; he animated my rival to fight me : in short we fought , and by the happy influence of heaven , i gained the victory with my rival's death : now the law of my countrey being very severe against duels , i was forced to flye , hoping in time my friends would procure my pardon . but now to make my misery compleat , the cruel father of my mistress forced her in my absence to marry an old count his neighbour , the corruption of whose body rendred him fitter for a grave than a marriage bed. now , if your grace do judge my calamity can receive addition , and that my afflictions lay not claim to your ring , be pleased to bestow it on some more wretched than my self . he had no sooner ended his speech , but another thus began . great prince , j must begin my mournful story where this gentleman ends his . he received at once , both a pardon for the murther and a letter from his mistris to make haste into her imbraces ; the count her husband being gone a long journey , he desired me to associate him in this pleasing journey , and i willingly yielded to his invitation . arriving at the old count's castle his mistress met him with the same joy , and gladness with which the spring the sun doth entertain . long did their kisses interrupt their speech , which at length brake out into unfained protestations , how much their past miseries had indeared each to other . when they had chatted their fill , to supper we went , which finisht , a banquet succeeded , ravishing both to eye and palat. this ended , one comes in , and whispering the lady in the ear , she instantly chaug'd colour , and cry'd out , she was undone for ever , unless i did her one friendly office , which should eternally engage her to me ; having told her , i desired no greater honour than to dye in her service , she then inform'd me , that the old count her husband was returned , and newly gone to bed being very weary and expected her coming . now sir , said she , not daring to trust any of my maids , with the secret of my friend 's being here , but you and my sister , do me the favour about an hour hence to put on one of my coives , and one of my smocks and go to bed to my husband who without doubt will be asleep before you come ; if he be not , all he will do is but to hug you about the middle or kiss you , for other dalliance you need not fear him ; besides age hath not yet brusht your chin , so that it seems to me as smooth as mine ; ●this means shall i and my dearest beloved own all the fruition of loves delights to you alone . in short , sir , i was not only attentive , but obedient to her request , and into the supposed bed of the old count i went , where i was no sooner laid , but i heard him breath , and felt him stir and move towards me , whereat i shrunk away to avoid his loathsome touch ; but he mov'd still onwards , and i farther , and farther , till i lay half naked out of bed . in the morning as i was shrinking out of bed to be gone , on a suddain my friend and the countess came dancing into the chamber , he in his shirt , and she in her smock : my soul hereat was strangely divided betwixt fear and wonder , fear of my own detection , and amazement at their boldness , thinking that excess of pleasure had made them run distracted . at length coming to the bed-side drawing the curtains , each of them with a tapour in their hand shewed me the most lamentable and unpardonable errour that ever man committed , for instead of the old rotten count , there lay by me the sister of the countess , who for sprightful youth , and charming beauty nature never yet produced her like . now , when with the highest admiration i beheld this miracle of her sex , and what a heaven of happiness i , by mistake , bad lost , i hardly could refrain from laying violent hands on my self : my friend reaped his enjoyments , which i am never like to do ; for being forced to leave the castle in a very little time after i heard she is removed i know not whither , so that i must now languish and dye in the tyranny of restless desire . this spech being ended , the duke confessed that they both deserved much , but he questioned whether the counts sister deserved not as much as both , nay , more , for she knew who was in bed with her , and knowing her self so near a good turn and miss it , aggravates vexation to the very height , and therefore said , the ring to her did properly belong . a story of purgatory . the pope gave a priest a silver bason and indued it with this vertue , that whosoever dropt a french crown into it , or to that value , his friends soul should instantly upon the sound of it be delivered out of purgatory . in the town where the priest liv'd dwelt a mad debauch'd fellow , whose uncle had left him a good estate . to him this priest came , and offer'd for a french crown to free his vncles soul from purgatory . the young man replyed , it was a reasonable proposition , whereupon he took out a crown , and dropt it into the bason , then askt the priest if his uncles soul was yet out of purgatory ? i dare lay upon my life it is freed , said the priest ; which words were no sooner said , but the young man took up his mony again , and put it into his pocket , wherat the priest displeased said , if you take your mony again , his soul will again enter into purgatory . nay said the young man there is no fear of that , for if my uncle be as obstmate an old knave , dead , as he was , living , if he be once out all the devils in hell cannot get him in again . the cheater cheated a comly matronly woman ( whom i shall forbear to nominate ) lately lived in the burrough of southwark , who wanting things necessary both for the ornament of the body , and furniture of a house , held a long consultation with her self how she might effect her desires by a well contrived credit . many plots she laid , but found none of them firm enough to build the structure of her designed advantage , till she chanced to bit upon this stratagem . she had a daughter which was more ha●some than honest , and much more witty than wise , in short , both mother & daughter were as right as my leg , and as good as ver twang'd . these two consulting together , concluded thus , that they should in the first place change their habitation , but before they did it , the daughter went to one of the devils factors , alias a tally-man ( with whom the was acquainted ) and took up all the materials belonging to man's apparel , which she said was for her husband , who was returned home to receive what pay was due to him for serving his majesty by sea , against the hollander . she told her story so plausibly , expressing so much joy for his escape , and what great advantages were like to accrue to her by the valour of her husband , that the tally-man did , not only trust her with a suit of mans apparel , but furnisht her self with many necessary things she wanted . being laded with credit , home she came , and having removed all their goods to a place convenient for their future projects , the old gentlewoman plaid the changling with her sex , by throwing off her female weeds , and cloathing her self , in every respect like a man ; the young baggage for a while pretended her mother was lately dead , and that being left to the wide world , she knew not what course to steer for want of advice ; there was a young man who belonged to the sea , did court her , but she was fearful of engaging ; she at length and that in a little time had so wrought upon the affections of divers of the neighbours , partly by her good face and notable smooth tongue , that they undertook not only to advise but assist her . whereupon understanding that her sweet-heart lay as a lodger in her house , some of them came to enquire into his estate , and being very well satisfied therein , they then inquired into his resolution of marrying this young woman , he protested he loved her before any in the world , and if she would they should be marryed the next day , it was agreed upon , and accordingly the mother in a masculine habit went to church where they were marryed according to form ; great was the jollity that day , and night approaching they went to bed together , but without any hopes of reaping the sweet enjoyment of a marriage bed , but by a dream or the strength of imagination . the next day their mirth increased , neither was there any diminution of it for one whole week . having spent time enough in rejoicing , they now pretended to mind their business , the one for the house and the other abroad , who carryed her business so craftily , that she was not in the least suspected to be any other than she seemed to be , for she was a woman of an undannted spirit , and having a nimble tongue and quick invention , she had learned to bounce and huff with any bully-ruffin in the strand , holbourn , or convent-garden ; besides as a further qualification to that boystrous occupation , she could smoak , drink , and swear with any damme , within twenty miles of london ; but when she returned home , and was amongst her neighbours , she always wore the vizor of temperance and sobr●ety , never swearing , nor seldom drinking more but what might be the oyl to cheerfulness and hilarity . having gotten the good opinion of her neighbours , she was now resolved to make use of their purses , which she might easily do , by pretending she had a great deal of mony due from the navy office , and which she had not received , but should speedily ; and to confirm their belief shewed them several counterfeit tickets . this so wrought with some , that they lent her mony , and though not every one much , yet many a little makes a mickle . having enriched themselves with the spoils of others , and not during to stay any longer in that place , they secretly removed and took a house remote from the former to prevent discovery ; in this house they intended to sell all sorts of liquors for the entertainment of men , and women , and therefore the old one thought it requisite to appear in a garb suitable to that profession , which was very plain , and that she might possess the people with an opinion that she was ( as so drest ) an innocent harmless cuckold she behaved her self so simply to her supposed wife , that every one judged him what he seened , and thereupon made addresses to the young one at such convenient times as the old one went abrod on purpose , or was more than ordinary busie below ; by this means they had a very great trade , especially by that venery which was winkt at as aforesaid ; in this manner they continued a good while , and i have been credibly informed , that the mother , ( and supposed husband to her own daughter ) when she had a desire to the same satisfactions the had pimpt for her daughter , she would put on her own female habit , and sitting in the house as a customary plyer , the daughter frequently by way of a kind return , did play the bawd for the mother so long till they were apprehended , for keeping a disorderly house , and being carryed before a justice upon examination were found guilty of what was alledged against them , and so were committed to bridewell , the keeper viewing the faces of them both very strictly imagin'd he had seen before the face of the elder which personated the man , but could not for the present tell where ; at length he verily believed she had been formerly under his jurisdiction , hereupon he seized her doublet , and striping it open , found by her breasts what he had suspected ; the former justice was informed hereof , who sent for them both to appear before him , upon further examination the seeming man was found to be only a lusty woman , and mother to that young woman she had marryed ; likewise it was proved against the young woman that she had frequently drest her self in mans apparel to enjoy her amours with the greater security abroad , for which , they were both sent back again to bridewell , where they were severely lasht for their cheating metamorphosis . a cluster of choice novels in june last . coming by white chappel-church , which was all new built , but the steeple ( that remaining still in its ancient homely habit ) i perceiv'd a person reading a paper which was stuck against the new walls ; being inquisitive i drew near , and found these following lines written thereon . a new church , and an old steeple , a dull doctor , and a perverse people . it happened hereupon that the gentleman and my self agreed to drink a glass of wine together , where having descanted on these lines a while , and finding me much delighted with novels that are pleasant , he made his introduction to the relation of some , by these which follow , which may be more properly called jests than stories . thus he began ; it was not long since that i was in holborn , where i saw two high hot huffing hectors ( about three quarters drunk ) justle a gentleman , who had never a sword by his side : he asking them the meaning of that rudeness and incivility , they instantly drew upon him ; it so hapned that the gentleman at that time ( he being much in debt , and fearing an arrest ) had a brace of pistols in his pockets , which he drew , cockt and presented ; at sight whereof one fled , and the other staid no longer than to say , da — me blood , sir , had you a magazeen of swords , i would have stood the shock of them all , but rot-me , i will not encounter him that carries a file of musqueteers in his pocket . another . a gentleman being very much in debt , kept close within doors , and never stir'd abroad , which made all the waitings of the bayliffs for him ineffectual , several snares they laid for him , but he by his wariness shun'd them all , till the goodness of his own nature to one , betray'd him to the cruelty of others in this manner . there was a smith who lived opposite to this gentlemans window , through which , every morning very early , for the benefit of the fresh air , he used to look out , which this vulcanian rascal took notice of ; and being before bribed by some officers for his apprehension , he thought of a way how to betray this poor gentleman into their clutches . he went and told the officers what he intended such a morning and ordered them to be ready in some ambush very near him , for he questioned not but he had studied the means infallibly to draw the gentleman out of doors . the smith having bought him a rope over night , got up very early the next morning much about the time the gentleman used to look out of his window , having got upon his grindston , he threw a rope cross a beam in his own shed , where he might be easily seen by the opposite gentleman , and having made it fast above , he put the noose about his neck , and then extending his hands to heaven , with elevated eyes , he pretended to say his prayers , the gentleman seeing this , out of meer pitty and commiseration , ran out with all the speed he could , the bayliffs seeing that , ran out and surprised him ; the smith hearing a noise , endeavoured to turn about to see what was the matter , and in that motion , slipt from the grindstone , and there hung ; the bayliffs being busied , and over-joy'd upon the seizing their prisoner , never minded what became of the smith , but going away with their prisoner to secure him , left him hanging as the just reward of so foul a treachery , another smith living in the countrey , there was a nest of hornets in the thatch of his hovel , who had made their way quite through , and as he was at work on a long curtain rod red hot , an hornet stung him ; at first he minded it not very much , but presently after came another , and stung him in the face , this so enraged him that looking up and seeing them all busy in the thatch , cry'd out are ye there ye devils , i 'le set fire in your arses presently ; hereupon he ran with the rod to the forge , and heating it again , he ran it up at them , and withal running through the thatch set it a fire , and so revenging himself on his enemies he half ruin'd himself by burning down his own hovel . another . a person being very rich , was likewise ostentatious and very peevish , a daughter he had was tolerably handsom , and was intirely beloved by a country gentleman , of no mean estate , having gained the young gentlemomans consent , he acquainted her parents with the love he bore their daughter , who no sooner heard it , but were in a great passion , their ambition judging him too mean a fortune , and therefore not only refused his offer , but very uncivilly forbade him the house : saying , moreover , that if it should be their misfortune , and his imaginary happiness to steal a marriage and rob them of their daughter , he would never give them a farthing . he obeyed their commands in that , but resolved notwithstanding that he would see his mistress whatever came on 't ; love soon found out a way to effect it , at which interview he told her what had past between him , and her parents , and the refusal of the match proposed ; she seemed exceedingly troubled hereat , and wept bitterly , the other to comfort her , swore if she would be constant , he would never forsake her ; and to shew the reality and integrity of his affection offer'd to marry her immediatly , she consented , and being married with all convenient speed , they performed the rights of hymen , and sent her home to her fathers house , desiring her not to take any notice of what had past , and since the time of their being together was so short the old ones could not suspect any thing . a few days after this new married genleman got his ( supposed maiden ) wife into his company , and having repeated his former delights , he told her , he would go into the country , giving her directions where to send to him , and that if she proved with child , and that her parents should discover it , as that they would quickly do , that then she should dissemble the greatest grief imaginable , and when pressed very much to discover the father , she should then confess it was such a one , who had formerly made love to her but her parents would not accept of the motion ; as for the rest said he , leave the whole management to me . upon this they parted , and she proved with child according to his expectation . the mother perceiving the frequent pewkings of her daughter , with the swelling of her belly , , took her into a private place and there conjured her to tell her the naked truth , whether she was not with child ? the daughter with many sighs and tears , confessed that she was , and that such a gentleman living in the country had done it : the mother like a woman distracted , first lockt up her daughter , and then ran to her husband , and calling him aside , told him of the shame and infamy that had befallen his family , and by whom ; this unexpected news made him ten times madder than his wife ; but at length they both concluded that it was but a folly , either to rave or rail at their daughter , but to study some means to sauder up the crack of their daughters honour , . no better expedient was thought on , but to write to the gentleman and acquain● him with what he had don , requiring satisfaction ; this letter was sent , and another returned by him in answer thereunto ; to this effect , that it is true he had lain with their daughter , but he knew not whether he got her with child , for she that can dispende with being a where to one , will be so to another . in short he concluded , that he had no more to say than this , that if she would be so impudent , to lay the child to him he must maintain it , but as for her part , he had nothing to say to her , for he had already over-paid her that little pleasure , he had purchased of her . this return netled them to the heart , and show'd it their daughter with all the opprobriums that can be uttered . the poor young woman replyed not a word , supplying her speech with nought but sighs and tears . the old people grieved at this , sent down a milder letter , requesting the favour , that he would be pleased to come up to london for they had some business extraordinary with him , tending much to his advantage . he sent them word , that he had extraordinary business where he was , and that he neither could , or would stir from it . as the belly swell'd , so did their sorrow , searing there was no remedying the cause thereof . upon another consultation the daughter told her father , that before ever she consented he promised her marriage ; this made the old gentleman caper , nay then said he we are well enough ; immediately calling for pen , ink , and paper he wrote another letter , charging the gentleman home with his promise sometimes threatening him , if he made it not good , and then sweetning him again , &c. beseeched him to make a journey up . this gentleman ( seeing it high time to condescend to what he most defired ) sent word by such a day he would ( if in health ) infallibly be in london , to no other end , than to understand his will and pleasure . the gentleman is as good as his word , a stately dinner is provided with plenty of wine , and the cloath being taken away , there was no other discourse , than how to salve up their daughters credit by a speedy marriage , and as an incouragement they would give him a thousand pounds : he slighted it , alledging further ( with a sir-reverence to the company , ) he would never , sh — in his own hat , and then clap it on his head ; as they advanced he more and more slights their proposals , saying that an estate of two hundred a year deserves a greater portion ; at length they offered him two thousand pounds , to be paid immediately , he accepts of it with this proviso , that upon the birth of the child their daughter now goes with , there shall be paid more , five hundred pounds : it is agreed to , and the parents were so eager and sollicitous in the preservation of the honour of their house that they would needs have the marriage consummated immediately , the country gentleman agreed thereunto , and presently sent away for the same parson that married them ; who being desired by the parents to joyn those two together in matrimony , he smiled , and said , sir , that is needless , for i have done it already ; how said the old gentleman ? 't is very true replyed the son-in-law , and for confirmation , see here the certificate before your daughter was with child ; and so she is no whore , but an honest wife . nay then said the old gentleman i see i am gull'd , but since it is no worse , and that our family is not defamed , i will make the odd five hundred a thousand pounds , and so god bless you together . another . a frenchman not long since took a lodging near a baker , who though poor , yet very rich in having so handsom a woman to his wife , and was never blemisht in her reputation by any light deportment . this frenchman presently had her in his eye , and courted her importunately , and expensively , but to no purpose ; treats proving ineffectual , he offered her fifty guinney's if she would permit him to lye with her all night , she refused it , but privately told her husband what monsieur had offered her , and upon what account ; the baker scratcht his head not knowing what to do ; poverty perswaded on the one side , and love hindred on the other from acceping this proffer ; at length said he , dearest , there is a way to be thought on to save thy chastity , and yet we will have his money , and that is thus : i will pretend to go out of town such a day , then do you upon the condition aforesaid promise monsieur his satisfaction the night following , in the mean time , you know tom — the cobler , a stout fellow , him will i engage with five pounds to assist me , we will have each of us a good broad sword , and thus armed we will creep underneath your bed , and when the french-man hath paid you the gold ( which you must have first ) and he is just going to bed we will crawl out and surprise him . it was generally agreed , and monsieur had notice of the assignation , who though he understood that the husband was gone our of town , yet he feared an ambuscado , and therefore carried a brace of pistols with him , besides a good rapier . entring the room , he caressed her , ala mode de france , and being very fiery , he could suffer no delays but giving her the gold , ordered her to make what haste she could to bed , and he would follow after . in the first place he drew out his pistols and laid them by him , and then undrest himself , seeing her in bed , he takes up his sword and pistols and advanceth towards her , she seeing him in that posture , askt him what he meant ? no ting madam of harm , only me love to have all de arms , me ford by mee side , me pis-stools in mee haunds , and de dagger before , when me go to take a citadel or fort , and laying down his sword , by his bed side , he skipt into bed with his pistols and laid them just over her head ; not to lose time , he storm'd the fort , and took it , and notwithstanding he was several times beaten out of the breach was made in the assault , yet he boldly entred again and took possession . the poor cuckold ( and the cobler who lay underneath the bed ) could not but hear what was doing above , yet durst not stir for their lives , nay not so much as whisper , for fear of being heard ; monsieur having gone through stitch with his work , and tired to boot , leapt out of bed with his pistols , and taking up his sword , went to the farther end of the room and drest himself , having so done , he calls to his reaking miss , bidding her to come to him , she excused her self , saying she was in a great sweat , and might catch her death thereby , but seeing monsieur grow resolute , she obeyed . monsieur hereupon clapt a pistol to her breast , saying , begar mrs. bish-fox , give me my gold , begar if you will not — for love , begar you shall never have my money , and so taking the guinny's from her , went couragiously down the stairs to his lodging . monsieur being gone , out crawls the cowardly cobler , and the cuckoldly coward , each blaming one another , and both the woman ; what would you have me to do quoth she , since he lay atop of me , and what would you have us to do said they , since you both did lye a top of us ; well husband all that i can say is , by this covetous stratagem of yours , you have made me a whore ; proved that mighty man your friend a rank coward , and your self an unpardonable cuckold . the self-deceiver . a merchant of london , growing old and rich , retired himself a little distance from the city , for the benefit of the air , and took with him his sister and an only daughter , having no other relations living ; and though he had left of trading , yet some business he had with a merchant in the city that called him thither thrice a week compleatly . a servant to the corespondent of this old gentleman , had a great and real love for his daughter , whose beauty alone , without the incouragement of a vast estate her father intended to give , was inducement enough for any mans affection ; and such was his happiness that she entertain'd a more than common kindness for him ; but it was both their unhappiness , that the father understood their loves , and to prevent their further growth by meetings , he commited his daughter to the careful tuition of her aunt , who was so jealous of her trust , that she walkt , nor talkt with any unless she was present , so that she was inaccessible to her languishing despairing lover , yet did he leave no means unattempted , if not to discourse , yet at least to see his beloved object , haunting the house like some disturbed ghost , but all to little purpose . the fates at length pittying the sufferings of these two constant lovers , infused a stratagem into the young gentlewomans head , whereby they may have a mutual , and a constant correspondence by letter , of which she inform'd her love by dropping a paper out of the window to this effect ; friend dearer than life , modesty will not permit me to discover my grief , and troubled thoughts for being thus debar'd of your speech , and presence , and that which aggravates my sorrow is the often seeing you , without the ability of coming to you , however some comfort my invention hath of late procured me by finding out a way how we may express our minds to each other by writing ; 't is thus in short , i have a little unript the cape of my fathers cloak ( that 's lined with velvet ) into which i have put a letter ; when he comes to your masters be officious to help him off with his cloak , which he uses to do when he goes to dinner , and in the cape you will find my soul contain'd , which take out , and send yours in the room to her who lives no longer than whilst she loves , &c. the satisfaction that he received from these lines was inexpressible , but much more , when he found the plot took so well , that he could twice a week send to , and hear from the only comfort of his life , and keeper of his happiness . by this stratagem they held a correspondence a long time , but being eager of an interview , they had like to have spoiled all ; for in a letter he appointed her a place where they would meet , in order thereunto she stole out of the house , but not so privately , but that she was watcht by her aunt , and followed to the place , where seeing this young man , and knowing whose servant he was , reviled him with all the reproaches imaginable for indeavouring to seduce her niece , a fortune too sublime for such a groveling earth worm as he ; but , said she , i 'le acquaint my brother with your knavish intentions , who shall take a course to prevent your proceedings , and with other minaces away she goes with her kinswoman , leaving the young man in a condition more miserable than imaginable . at night the old gentleman returning , he was informed by his sister of what had past in his absence , notwithstanding , all her care , and watchfulness ; at the report thereof the old man was ready to run distracted , and no body but would have guest so much by his raving , every word being an express symptom of madness ; he called his daughter a thousand misbecoming names , and the best was baggage , strumpet , &c. reviling her with disobedience and what not ; and that which made her condition the more intollerable was , he would not let her speak in her own defence , and as she was about to do it , he flung out of the room and left her ; glad she was that she had some respit from her sorrow , and so betook her self to her chamber , where locking her self in she instantly writ a letter to her love , acquainting him with her fathers deportment to wards her , with a register of the very names he called her , with other abuses , and having so done she slid it into the cape as aforesaid . the old man arose very early the next morning , in a passion , and to london he trotted , having no other busi ne●s man to acquaint , the merchant ( his friend ) how he was abused by his servant , and to vent his spleen , and choler on him . the young man was abroad at his coming , so that his master received all the shock of the old gentlemans fury , who was a little tam'd by him before his return , by informing him that his man was not so dispicable as he imagin'd , having so much per annum in land , besides a good stock of mony to begin the world with ; that besides all that , he would trust him ( as soon as free ) with a thousand pounds himself ; this they talkt walking in a great hall , the cloak hanging up in the parlour ; where they usually dined , which gave our lover on his return the opportunity of receiving his usual intelligence . he could not but be troubled you must think , , when he read how his love was abused , but since he could not remedie it , he was resolved to make use of the information . he had just finisht his reading , as they both came into the parlour , where immeadiately upon entrance the old man rav'd and rail'd most insufferablly , calling him beggers brat , thief , cheat , &c. and how durst he have that aspiring thought to rob him of his only daughter , heiress to above forty thousand pounds . the young man with much patience heard , and modestly told him he was much to blame , to villifie him after that manner , since it was well known , that he was not only a gentleman , but born to an estate : but sir , ( said he ) it is no wonder , you miscal me , when you spare not your own chast and virtuous daughter , calling her by the base and false names of baggage , strumpet , &c. hey day , hey day , a wizard , a wizard , ( quoth the old man ) else how could he tell those very names , i do confess i call'd my daughter . well , sir , now i know how to be rid of a knave ; i am glad on 't ; i 'le have you indicted , and arr argned for a witch , and so i hope to see you burn for your leachery . his kind master , seeing the passion of this peevish piece of antiquity caus'd his man to withdraw , whilst he indeavoured to infuse a better opinion in him towards his servant , which gave him the convenience of writing ; after dinner his master and the old man withdrew into the hall again , and then ( as formerly ) he convey'd the note into the cape of the cloak . was not this an honest porter think you that would thus constantly carry letters for lovers some miles , and never demand a penny , coming home and hanging up his cloak , according to custome , took aside his sister into the garden , and there discourst her , telling all that had past between him , his friend and the servant ; in the mean time the daughter examined the cape , and found what she expected , wherein she was inform'd of the passionate carriage of her father , with his abusive language , and to sweeten all , he pleasantly related how he was suspected for a wizard , occasion'd by his happy intelligence . the old man returning from the garden fell foul on his daughter with revilling termes ; dear father ( said she ) use your pleasure as to me ; call me what you will , though i deserve not the abuse , i will patiently indure it , but do not abuse that honest young man ; assure your self he is no beggers brat , thief , cheat , nor wizard : hey day , hey day , hey day ( cries the old man again ) what my daughter a witch too ; well , well , since it is so , you shall ene have my consent to be marryed to a stake together , and so you shall have a bonfire at your wedding . these very words she sent back to her lover in her fathers cape , who took an opportunity to take it out , and having read it , waited to meet the old man , who was consulting with his master , and was by him so fully inform'd as to his servants estate , his honesty , and industry in his service ; with several other things which tended highly to his advantage , that the old gentleman was willing to admit of a parley with his son-in-law that must be ; and as he was about to speak with lesser anger than before , he was prevented by the young man , saying , sir , come end your cruelty all at once , i am ready to accept of that marriage of the stake you proposed last night to your daughter : if i cannot live with her i love , i shall rejoice to dye with her . the old man was all amazement , to hear what ere he said at home in private should be known abroad ; at length he collecting himself , and having somewhat calm'd his passion , he told the young man since he saw the stars did fight against him as to this marriage , he should have his daughter , conditionally he would tell him how he came by this strange intelligence , whether the devil , or his angels did assist him in it , &c. to this the young man replyed , that he came not to the knowledge of what he said secretly elsewhere , nor his daughter , but by humane means , and that he would tell him how , so be it he would forgive the person . no , no , never ( cry'd the old man , in a great rage ) i will first see him rot in an hospital , or be hang'd at tibourn , and be damn'd rather than do it ; nay then ( said the young man ) you are to blame , sir , to be so uncharitably cruel against your self ; for from you , and you only we received this intelligence ; you were the porter , or messenger that carryed letters between us : how ! how can this be ( with much wonder cry'd the old man ) ; to convince you ( said the other ) i will now show you a letter in your portmantue that this night by your means will be delivered to your daughter , and thereupon taking the cloak he shewed him the rip in the cape , wherein they mutually conveighed letters to each other . to be short the old man was infinitely pleas'd with the stratagem , and in a little time lov'd the young man more than he hated him formerly , and gave him his daughter with a vast some of mony down at the marriage day , and in less than twelve months did his son and daughter the kindness to leave the world , and leave them all he had . rhodomontado's . i am king of no-land , the terror of the world , the flower of the nobility of rodomontado's , furioso's , superboso's , rolands , and olivers , beautified with infinite graces , fair as an angel , the heart and courage of lucifer , a servant to the mighty qeen of the earth , a friend to distressed ladies , and the soveraign prince of the anthropophagi or man-eaters . one day in battle i found out the queen of the amazons , she seeing me , resolved that i should fall by no other hand than that of so great and mighty a queen , and thereupon rais'd her hand with her sword therein ; but i , not willing to lose any time , struck her , at which she fell to the earth ; then taking her by the hair of head , i threw her with such fury and force that she flew to the fifth heaven , and fell upon mars as he was sporting with venus . venus being greatly afraid , cryed out for help , at whose cry the god's came running to her aid , but were much astonisht when they saw mars stretcht out upon the place . hereupon jupiter thrust his head through the casement , and saw me distributing wounds among my enemies with so much danger and fierceness , that the fire which flew from every blow , resembled another mount-gibel or aetna : therefore jupiter said to all his brother gods that none of them should stir or make any further noise of what was done , since it might be supposed , that he which had killed mars the god of war , was every whit as able to kill the rest of the gods which yet remained living . when i speak , my voice penetrates the depths of hell ; where-ever i appear , the world offers me a free subjection from east to west . it is well known , that where ever i am , my bedstead is made of the ribs of giants ; the ticking of my bed is filled with the moustacho's of the masters of the camp to the grand turk ; my bolster with the brains which i boxt out of the heads of his captains ; my cloaths are made of the hair of amazons ; my coverlids are composed of switzers-beards ; my curtains of the hair of the eye-brows , and eye-lids of hungarians and germans ; the floor of my house ( instead of brick ) is paved with janazaries teeth ; my tapistry are the skins of arabians , and sorcerers whom i unbarkt with the point of my dagger ; the tiles which cover my house are the nails of monarchs and kings , whose bodies long since in dispight of them , and those miserable carcases they indeavoured to defend , with a kick of my foot i tumbled into their sepultures . scorning to draw my sword against a bravade english captain , i gave him such a kick on the breech , that he mounted into the air and knockt his head against the sun with such great force , that he was the cause of its ecclipse for five days ; immediately this captain kneel'd before jupiter , praying him to pardon me all my offences , in recompence of the kindness i had done him , by that kick of the arse i had given him , which sent him to heaven among the stars , since it lay in my power to send him as far ( a contrary way ) to hell among the damned . with one single hair of my mustacho's which if i should dart at thee , it will make so great a gap in thy body , that the whole infantry of spain , and cavalry of france shall be able to pass through , without touching either the one side of thee or the other . with this most redoubted sword , i ruine , i set on fire , i put all into a flame , triumphing over armies , laying waste cities , castles , towers , walls , and invincible fortresses . with my presence i make jove hide himself , mercury flye , cupid tremble , mars disguise and transform himself , and though the silly ram doth see me take the tribute from his darling venus which i demand , yet durst not make one butt at me for so doing . where ever i am , death is continually with me , because he finds more profit from us , then if he were general of one hundred thousand men to fight the turk or devil . he knows it well and therefore continually follows , and accompanies me in the conquest of the kingdoms of grimanians , dicenians , dinamians , alopitians , pitanians , espinomenians , and nomanians , so that to speak the truth , without his company , i should walk alone , because i find none like me , and none i like but him . as the world is divided into four parts , three whereof affrick asia , and europe , and these three are incompassed and environed by the sea ; so my heart is divided into three other parts , of a nature , affable , terrible , and cruel , and three parts are surroundnot with water , but with living flames of scorching fire . and as the fire is , so is ( by reason of love ) my heart , by which means i am so inraged that with three blows of this my good chopping blade , the fore-stroke , back-blow , and thrust , i could slay all mankind , making rivers of blood longer than ganges , broader than the po , and more terrible than the cataracts of nile . but the world may be thankful i am in love , for it is only for her sake that i suffer wretched mortals to have a being . i have in me the nature of a basalisk and something more ; for if he with his looks can kill one , i when angry , with mine can destroy an hundred , for my eyes are equaly as fatal as a chain shot from a demi-canon . if that true v●lour which my soul possesseth could be purchased by money , all traffick would cease by sea and land , and no more talk of merchants or their commodities ; for every one would then labour and imploy their industry to the utmost , who should get the greatest share in me , one would aim at one of my arms another a leg , one a finger , a fourth a nail , a fifth a hair of my eye-lids , and this to no other end , than that he might become valiant . but i rejoyce that this cannot be by any means effected ; because it is one of the greatest causes of the present repose and quiet of all those kings , monarchs , and princes , which are all my very good friends , and kinsmen . not long since my baud , my old whore fortune , gave me some offence ; so that i became more displeased with her than formerly she was beloved by me ; in so much , that if she performed not her articles with me , i swore by pluto's horns , by the beard of mars , by samson's whiskers , and by mahomets alcoran , that i will deprive her of her prerogative of mutability and inconstancy , and as to her body , with one shock i will dispatch her to terra incognita , her limbs so shattered , that at the very instant of her arrival thither , she should be reduced to powder , which shall be by some or other gathered and preserved for my use , that is , to throw as dust or sand on those letters i send to my mistress . i have in two days more augmented the stygian kingdom of pluto , and peopled with subjects his black , dark , and smoaky realm , than ever did rodomont , rolant , renaud , mandrigard and radamante , having made the hearts of more valiant and couragious men in a thousand , and a thousand places to tremble ; let those which inhabit the east , west , north and equinoctial line be my witnesses . when i walk in the streets of the city a thousand ladies run to meet me ; one takes me violently by the cloak , another gives me a winck , another beseecheth me to sup with her , another makes me a presont , another kisseth my hands , and blesseth that mother than brought me into the world , adjudging her self the happiest of women , may she have the opportunity of lying with me but one night , to no other end , than that she may have a child of the race of so great a personage as my self . if the force of my members was distributed among faint hearted persons , and seditious spirits , the world would be put into a general revolt , and nothing would be seen there in but battles , and conquests ; the bells never heard , day nor night , but for the interment of some dead body , chirurgeons would never stir out of their houses , but to heal the wounds of swords , cut and thrust , and to reunite fractures or bones broken . divines would be continually employed in comforting widdows for the loss of their husbands , children so their parents , and young women in the death of their sweet-hearts . if i come to thee , with my foot i will kick thee so high into the air , that hadst thou with thee ten cart-load of bread , thou should'st be in greater fear of starving than falling . i had one day a quarrel with a french gentleman , who defied me , saying , draw if thou darest : considering with my self that i am all courage , refused so to do , because the french being cold , and without choler , i might have given him five hundred thrusts , and as many slashes , without killing him ; but as for me who am wholly filled , and made up of courage and choler , with the least blow in the world , he might have sent me to the devil . his conclusion . i never yet could meet that daring he , durst whisper , any yet hath conque'rd me . i 've fought the champions of the earth all round , and either slew , or made them quit their ground . from pole to pole , such mighty things i 've done . that from all hero's i their glory won . yet still i must act more , that lab'ring fame may reel , and tire nay sink to bear my name . where ere i go , my presence conquest brings ; my single hand , can sway the fate of kings . i 've ensignes snatcht , oft from an armies head , and at my feet laid prostrate gyants dead . out hector'd champions , and out foam'd wild bores , out bluster'd billows , breaking on the shores ; out fought briareus with his hundred hands ; out walkt the tigers on the arabian sands ; out lightned lightning , and out thundred thunder . out-did great mars infield , and out vy'd wonder ; astonisht ages from these deeds shall learn , which way i move , that way the world shall turn : if y' are with this not satisfy'd enough , i 'le of my valour give you further proof . i by an host surrounded was in field , whose general cry'd , fight not stout man , but yield . i daunted not , rush'd in , and with one swing , before my feet i laid his breathless king. at which a neighb'ring prince his quarrel took ; from his broad shoulders his proud bead i sirook so quick , the head after it fell , it curst . the next advanc'd whose fate was like the first : him i beheaded so most vig'rously that with the force , his falling head kil'd three , then being beset with an united power , with my long sword , next pass i thrust through four . with carkesses i maid long-lanes ; and , to be short , in four hours space i made this bloody sport . here scattered swords , there woods of lances stood , here heaps of bodies lay , there streams of blood , with open mouth there lay a gasping head , as if it thirsted for the blood it shed . here a topt head cut capers , as if ' t wood have danct up to the shoulders , where it stood . there lay dismemberd arms in their own gore , which graspt , and stretcht to reach the swords they bare . when i 'de done all , and heaps on heaps compil'd , i fairly turned about my self , and smil'd . how ill these mortals manag'd their command , although all hero's , nothing in my band . since none can kill me , i my self must doom , and call upon the gods to make me room . lyes , and improbabilities . a fellow swore that he had seen a base-viol as big as the duke's theater ; one demanding how it could possibly be play'd on ? well enough ( quoth the other ) for he that own'd it , made a two-handed bow about a furlong in length ; and he and his wife drew it on the strings , while ten of his children ran two and fro upon the stops or frets , observing with their feet as exact . time , as any could do with their fingers . a romanist swore he swallowed a pin , and presently making a cross upon his leg , pull'd it out there . a soldier swore desperately , that being in the wars between the russian and polonian ; there chanced to be a parley between the two generals where a river parted them , at that time it froze so excessively , that the words were no sooner out of their mouths , but they were frozen , and could not be heard till eleven days after , that a thaw came which dissolved them , and made them audible to all . one protested that on salisbury plain , he started a hare , and having a horse under him that was very fleet , coursed her , and gave her four turns at least , at length his horse growing weary and he vext to the heart that he could not tire her , threw his hat at her ; which lighting just before her , she ran into it , and turned over and over it so long , that he had time enough to alight from his horse and take her up . a notable arch crack in paris , got a bag of ashes and carried them to a man whom he knew to be a great admirer of reliques , who askt him twenty pound a peck for them , swearing , that they were the ashes of those coles which burnt st. laurence . a fellow swore that he ran a grayhound bitch great with whelps at a hare , who taking a hedge , and the bitch making after her , she lighted on a stake which rent her belly up , and that the whelps which were within her ran after the hare and kill'd her . i loved ( said he ) this bitch so well , that i made a pair of buskins of her skin , which had the power to endue me with such swiftness ; that if at any time a hare started in my way , i could not rest till i caught her . a keeper swore he shot a buck's right foot and left ear at one shoot with a single bullet , and being asked how he could possibly do it , ( he answered ) that the buck was lying and scratching his left ear with his right foot when he shot him . strada reports that a fellow lived in his time , whose nose was so long , he could not hear himself sneese . miscellanies . q. who is a bashful woman ? a. she who lying on her back covers her face with her smock . q. who is a fearful woman ? a. she who claps her tail between her legs , or she who dares not sleep without a man. q. who is a bold daring woman ? a. she that dares singly oppose ten men at the entrance of one breach . q. what part of speech is homo ? a. homo is a participle , because he partakes or takes part of all things in this world . q. whence hath papirus , the latin word for paper , it 's denomination ? a. from priapus that wanton god so freely worshiped among the antients especially by lovers : if you will consult , the anagram , you will find priapus and papirus to have the same letters . now it fals very proper that papirus shall be derived from priapus , because by letters frequently assignations are made for the satisfaction of each others longing loves ; but least they should miscarry in their meetings , let me advise them to offer up an orizon first to the roman famed goddess , known by the name of dea pertunda . q. what is a woman ? a. she is the second part necessary for the propagation , and conservation of mankind . a certain greek author saith that fire , water , and woman , are three evils . philemon testifies that a good goat , a good mule and a good woman , are three beasts of the worser sort , who compares their beauty to a rose surrounded with thorns or prickles ; their words are deceitful , their gauderies are like a peacocks tail ; their love is like a serpent , who kills the male in the act of copulation ; lastly , she is so light that one single feather , put in the contrary scale will weigh her down . q. what is a curious woman ? a. one who desires to know what every man can do . q. are cornuted men infamous ? a. no , for to carry horns heretosore , was honourable : when the sun expands his radiant beams upon the earth , he seems to say , behold my horns ; the moon either in her increase or decrease shows them and glories in them . moses is painted with two radiant horns . pan a god of the heathens had horns ; pan is a greek word and signifieth every thing , if you add horns thereunto , then every thing hath horns ; the major part of four footed beasts have horns ; nay , the devil himself ( if any credit may be given to painters ) hath horns ; wherefore since above , here , and beneath us are horns , why should man be ashamed of them , but rather claim a propriety in them ? to this question my author subjoins an epitaph made on one mr. john kalb , or calf in english , who was of noble extraction and student at heydelberge , but being given too much to ebriety , not only drowned his wits , but by is lost his life anno ; the lines were these . o deus omnipotens vituli miserere johannis quem mo●s pr●eveniens non sinit esse bovem . corpus in italiaest , habet intestina brabantus , ast animam nemo : cur ? quia non habuit . have mercy on john calf , who ox had been , had not death hindred , and stept in between . two countries shar'd his body ; but 't is sad none had his soul. why ? for no soul he had . q. how many sorts of fools are there ? a. four. . he that thunders out his menaces so often that no man fears him . . he that swears so often that no man will believe him . . he that gives so often that he hath nothing left . . he that having no servant , refuseth to be serviceable to himself . q. who are most gluttonous ? a. women ; for having two mouths one for the day , and the other for the night , they feed continually . q. what are the priviledges of monsieur scab . a. many ; but for brevity sake only these . he , like some mighty prince , eats alone , drinks alone , and sh — alone . if on the road he travels with gentlemen , and they come to an inn ill furnished , so that they must be forced to lye three in a bed , to be sure he must have one to himself , where he may repose himself alone . lastly monsieur scab hath this more , according to the proverb , quod duo scabiosi occulati plus videant quam ducenti c●eci cum suis perspicillis : id est , that two scabs may see farther than two hundred blind men with as many spectacles . q. what advantages accrue by lying . a. the chaldeans , aegyptians , grecians , and romans , when they understood that truth was not prevalent enough to convince , and tame a wild uncivil people , they formed a religion whose basis was meer lyes ; they feigned a neptune with a trident ; cupid with bow and arrows ; jupiter striding an eagle with a thunderbolt , and the like , to keep them in perpetual obedience to their empire . the same thing did minos in crete , licurgus to the lacedemonians ; and mahomet by his lyes founded his great empire . there are very few tradesmen who do not gain in part their dayly bread by lying , and the lover would never attain to his defired end without it . did not judeth press a lye to free her country . and divine plato , although a great zealot for truth , in so much that he banisht all poets who grosly lyed , yet saith he in his second book of his repub. i desire that mothers and nurses would tell their children fabulous stories ; as much as to say , that they should teach them lyes from their very cradle , to conclude rhetorick it self is nothing else but the art of lying . q. what are these things which rarely happen ? a. a bucksome young lass not in love , fairs without thieves ; an old usurer with a good conscience , an old stock of corn without mice , and , phan●ticks without holy cheats . q. who of all men stand least in fear of homicide ? a. quacking doctors , and hangmen who kill without being called in question , and though others are punished for it with death , these have a great reward for their pains . q. whom doth the world call his nephew ? a. him , who hath a handsome wife . the degrees of pleasure . if thou wilt rejoyce for a day , shave thy beard ; if for a week , go to a wedding ; if for a month , buy a good horse ; if for six weeks , purchase a fair house ; if for a year , marry a fair woman ; if for two years , turn a priest ; but if always thou wilt be merry and joyful , keep thy self chast and temperate . q. who are remarkable fools ? a. a faithful lover , an honest gamester , and a pitiful soldier . q. why are monsters here , seen frequently greater than the african ; as a drunken parson , a covetous non-conformist , a pocky doctor , &c. a. because their lives do not quadrate , or suit with their professions . q. a maid being askt , whether she would chuse to be chang'd into a hen or a goose ? a. her answer was into a hen , and the reason was , because the hen enjoys her cock all the year round , but the goose only in spring-time . q. what is the interpretation of these letters ? s. p. q. r. a. some say thus , senatus populusque romanus : others thus , salutem populi quaere romani : the sybils speaking of god thus , serva populum quem redimisti . bede in derision of the goths thus , stultus populus quaerit romam : the french thus , si peu que rien . the italians , samosi poltroni , questi romani : the germans , sublato papa quietum regnum . the papists on the other side , salus papae quies regni . on a friend to r. h. qui sim divinato & eris mihi magnus apollo , qui dives durus fluctus & vlna vocor . richard wavel . medicina ad tollendos foetores anhelitus provenientes a cibis quibusdam . sectile ne tetros porrum tibi spiret odores , protinus à porro fac mihi caepe vores . denuo foetorem si vis depellere caepe , hoc facile efficient , allia mansa tibi . spiritus at si post etiam gravis allia restat ; aut nihil , aut tantum pellere merda potest . he that for stinking breath a care would seek , must eat both onions , and good store of leek ; but if the stench of leeks offensive prove , then garlick take , and eat thereof a glove . if after these a stinking breath remain , then take a tu — all other things are vain . de anu per crepitum animam exhalante , vno animam-crepitu jana pedit anus . in french. vous qui passez , priez dieu pour ceste dame , qui en p●tant parle cul rendit l'ame . in english . o strange that jane should hence depart , only by letting of a fart . an epigram on this saying , quot capita tot ingenia . so many heads , so many wits , fie , fie , it is a shame for proverbs thus to lie ; for i ( though my acquaintance be but small ) know many heads that have no wit at all . a preachment on malt . certain townsmen of prisal , returning from a merry meeting at a certain ale-house , met in the fields a preacher , who had lately made a bitter sermon against drunkards , and amongst other opprobrious words , called them malt-worms , wherefore they agreed to take him , and by violence compel him to preach a sermon , and his text should be malt . the preacher thinking it better to yield , than contend with them in their cause , began his sermon as followeth . there is no preaching without division , and this text cannot well be divided into many parts , because it is but one word , nor into many syllables , because it is but one syllable ; it must therefore be divided into letters , and they are found to be four , viz. m , a , l , t , these letters represent four interpretations , which divines commonly do use thus , m. moral , a. allegorical , l. literal , t. tropological . the moral interpretation is well put first , and first to teach you boysterous men some good manners , at least in procuring your attention to the sermon ; therefore m. masters , a. all , l. listen , t. to the text. an allegory is when one thing is spoken , and another thing meant ; the thing spoken is malt , the thing meant is the oyle of malt , commonly call'd ale , which to you drunkards is so precious , that you account it to be m. meat , a. ale , l. liberty , t. treasure . the literal sense is as it hath been often heard of heretofore , so it is true according to the letter , m. much a. ale , l. little , t. thrift . the tropological sence applyeth that which now is to somwhat following , either in this world , or in the world to come , the thing that now is , is the effect which oyle of malt produceth and worketh in some of you , viz. m. murther , in others a. adultery , in all l. loose living , in many t. treason , and that which hereafter followeth , both in this world and in the world to come , is m. misery , a. anguish , l. lamentation , t. trouble . i should now come to a conclusion , and withal , to perswade you boysterious men to amend , that so you may escape the danger whereinto many of you are like to fall , but i have no hopes to prevail , because i plainly see , and my text as plainly telleth me it is m. to a. that is , a thousand pound to a pot of ale you will never mend , because all drunkards are l. lewd , t. thieves , but yet for discharging my conscience and duty , first towards god , and secondly towards you my neighbours , i say once again , concluding with my text , m. mend , a. all , and l. leave , t. tipling , otherwise , m. masters , a. all , l. look for , t. terrour and torment . by this time the ale wrought in the townsmens brains that they were between hawk and buzzard , nearer sleeping than waking , which the preacher perceiving stole away , leaving them to take their nap. finis .