13649	----	Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file which includes the original illustrations and music clips as well as midi, pdf, and lilypond files. See 13649-h.htm or 13649-h.zip: (http://www.gutenberg.net/dirs/1/3/6/4/13649/13649-h/13649-h.htm) or (http://www.gutenberg.net/dirs/1/3/6/4/13649/13649-h.zip) LAUGHABLE LYRICS A Fourth Book of Nonsense Poems, Songs, Botany, Music, etc. by EDWARD LEAR Author of the _Book of Nonsense_, _More Nonsense_, _Nonsense Songs, Stories_, etc., etc. With all the Original Illustrations [Illustration] CONTENTS LAUGHABLE LYRICS THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE THE TWO OLD BACHELORS THE PELICAN CHORUS THE YONGHY-BONGHY-Bò THE POBBLE WHO HAS NO TOES THE NEW VESTMENTS MR. AND MRS. DISCOBBOLOS THE QUANGLE WANGLE'S HAT THE CUMMERBUND THE AKOND OF SWAT NONSENSE BOTANY " ALPHABET, No. 5 " " No. 6 LAUGHABLE LYRICS. THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE. [Illustration] When awful darkness and silence reign Over the great Gromboolian plain, Through the long, long wintry nights; When the angry breakers roar As they beat on the rocky shore; When Storm-clouds brood on the towering heights Of the Hills of the Chankly Bore,-- Then, through the vast and gloomy dark There moves what seems a fiery spark,-- A lonely spark with silvery rays Piercing the coal-black night,-- A Meteor strange and bright: Hither and thither the vision strays, A single lurid light. Slowly it wanders, pauses, creeps,-- Anon it sparkles, flashes, and leaps; And ever as onward it gleaming goes A light on the Bong-tree stems it throws. And those who watch at that midnight hour From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower, Cry, as the wild light passes along,-- "The Dong! the Dong! The wandering Dong through the forest goes! The Dong! the Dong! The Dong with a luminous Nose!" Long years ago The Dong was happy and gay, Till he fell in love with a Jumbly Girl Who came to those shores one day. For the Jumblies came in a sieve, they did,-- Landing at eve near the Zemmery Fidd Where the Oblong Oysters grow, And the rocks are smooth and gray. And all the woods and the valleys rang With the Chorus they daily and nightly sang,-- "_Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live; Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a sieve._" Happily, happily passed those days! While the cheerful Jumblies staid; They danced in circlets all night long, To the plaintive pipe of the lively Dong, In moonlight, shine, or shade. For day and night he was always there By the side of the Jumbly Girl so fair, With her sky-blue hands and her sea-green hair; Till the morning came of that hateful day When the Jumblies sailed in their sieve away, And the Dong was left on the cruel shore Gazing, gazing for evermore,-- Ever keeping his weary eyes on That pea-green sail on the far horizon,-- Singing the Jumbly Chorus still As he sate all day on the grassy hill,-- "_Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live; Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a sieve_." But when the sun was low in the West, The Dong arose and said,-- "What little sense I once possessed Has quite gone out of my head!" And since that day he wanders still By lake and forest, marsh and hill, Singing, "O somewhere, in valley or plain, Might I find my Jumbly Girl again! For ever I'll seek by lake and shore Till I find my Jumbly Girl once more!" Playing a pipe with silvery squeaks, Since then his Jumbly Girl he seeks; And because by night he could not see, He gathered the bark of the Twangum Tree On the flowery plain that grows. And he wove him a wondrous Nose,-- A Nose as strange as a Nose could be! Of vast proportions and painted red, And tied with cords to the back of his head. In a hollow rounded space it ended With a luminous Lamp within suspended, All fenced about With a bandage stout To prevent the wind from blowing it out; And with holes all round to send the light In gleaming rays on the dismal night And now each night, and all night long, Over those plains still roams the Dong; And above the wail of the Chimp and Snipe You may hear the squeak of his plaintive pipe, While ever he seeks, but seeks in vain, To meet with his Jumbly Girl again; Lonely and wild, all night he goes,-- The Dong with a luminous Nose! And all who watch at the midnight hour, From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower, Cry, as they trace the Meteor bright, Moving along through the dreary night,-- "This is the hour when forth he goes, The Dong with a luminous Nose! Yonder, over the plain he goes,-- He goes! He goes,-- The Dong with a luminous Nose!" THE TWO OLD BACHELORS. [Illustration] Two old Bachelors were living in one house; One caught a Muffin, the other caught a Mouse. Said he who caught the Muffin to him who caught the Mouse,-- "This happens just in time! For we've nothing in the house, Save a tiny slice of lemon and a teaspoonful of honey, And what to do for dinner--since we haven't any money? And what can we expect if we haven't any dinner, But to lose our teeth and eyelashes and keep on growing thinner?" Said he who caught the Mouse to him who caught the Muffin,-- "We might cook this little Mouse, if we only had some Stuffin'! If we had but Sage and Onion we could do extremely well; But how to get that Stuffin' it is difficult to tell!" Those two old Bachelors ran quickly to the town And asked for Sage and Onion as they wandered up and down; They borrowed two large Onions, but no Sage was to be found In the Shops, or in the Market, or in all the Gardens round. But some one said, "A hill there is, a little to the north, And to its purpledicular top a narrow way leads forth; And there among the rugged rocks abides an ancient Sage,-- An earnest Man, who reads all day a most perplexing page. Climb up, and seize him by the toes,--all studious as he sits,-- And pull him down, and chop him into endless little bits! Then mix him with your Onion (cut up likewise into Scraps),-- When your Stuffin' will be ready, and very good--perhaps." Those two old Bachelors without loss of time The nearly purpledicular crags at once began to climb; And at the top, among the rocks, all seated in a nook, They saw that Sage a-reading of a most enormous book. "You earnest Sage!" aloud they cried, "your book you've read enough in! We wish to chop you into bits to mix you into Stuffin'!" But that old Sage looked calmly up, and with his awful book, At those two Bachelors' bald heads a certain aim he took; And over Crag and precipice they rolled promiscuous down,-- At once they rolled, and never stopped in lane or field or town; And when they reached their house, they found (besides their want of Stuffin'), The Mouse had fled--and, previously, had eaten up the Muffin. They left their home in silence by the once convivial door; And from that hour those Bachelors were never heard of more. [Illustration: Sheet Music--The Pelicans] [Illustration] THE PELICAN CHORUS. King and Queen of the Pelicans we; No other Birds so grand we see! None but we have feet like fins! With lovely leathery throats and chins! Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican Jill! We think so then, and we thought so still We live on the Nile. The Nile we love. By night we sleep on the cliffs above; By day we fish, and at eve we stand On long bare islands of yellow sand. And when the sun sinks slowly down, And the great rock walls grow dark and brown, Where the purple river rolls fast and dim And the Ivory Ibis starlike skim, Wing to wing we dance around, Stamping our feet with a flumpy sound, Opening our mouths as Pelicans ought; And this is the song we nightly snort,-- Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! We think so then, and we thought so still! Last year came out our Daughter Dell, And all the Birds received her well. To do her honor a feast we made For every bird that can swim or wade,-- Herons and Gulls, and Cormorants black, Cranes, and Flamingoes with scarlet back, Plovers and Storks, and Geese in clouds, Swans and Dilberry Ducks in crowds: Thousands of Birds in wondrous flight! They ate and drank and danced all night, And echoing back from the rocks you heard Multitude-echoes from Bird and Bird,-- Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! We think so then, and we thought so still! Yes, they came; and among the rest The King of the Cranes all grandly dressed. Such a lovely tail! Its feathers float Between the ends of his blue dress-coat; With pea-green trowsers all so neat, And a delicate frill to hide his feet (For though no one speaks of it, every one knows He has got no webs between his toes). As soon as he saw our Daughter Dell, In violent love that Crane King fell,-- On seeing her waddling form so fair, With a wreath of shrimps in her short white hair. And before the end of the next long day Our Dell had given her heart away; For the King of the Cranes had won that heart With a Crocodile's egg and a large fish-tart. She vowed to marry the King of the Cranes, Leaving the Nile for stranger plains; And away they flew in a gathering crowd Of endless birds in a lengthening cloud. Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! We think so then, and we thought so still! And far away in the twilight sky We heard them singing a lessening cry,-- Farther and farther, till out of sight, And we stood alone in the silent night! Often since, in the nights of June, We sit on the sand and watch the moon,-- She has gone to the great Gromboolian Plain, And we probably never shall meet again! Oft, in the long still nights of June, We sit on the rocks and watch the moon,-- She dwells by the streams of the Chankly Bore. And we probably never shall see her more. Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! We think so then, and we thought so still! [Illustration: Sheet Music--The Yonghy Bonghy Bò] THE COURTSHIP OF THE YONGHY-BONGHY-BÒ. [Illustration] I. On the Coast of Coromandel Where the early pumpkins blow, In the middle of the woods Lived the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. Two old chairs, and half a candle, One old jug without a handle,-- These were all his worldly goods: In the middle of the woods, These were all the worldly goods Of the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, Of the Yonghy-Bonghy Bò. II. Once, among the Bong-trees walking Where the early pumpkins blow, To a little heap of stones Came the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. There he heard a Lady talking, To some milk-white Hens of Dorking,-- "'Tis the Lady Jingly Jones! On that little heap of stones Sits the Lady Jingly Jones!" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. III. "Lady Jingly! Lady Jingly! Sitting where the pumpkins blow, Will you come and be my wife?" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. "I am tired of living singly-- On this coast so wild and shingly,-- I'm a-weary of my life; If you'll come and be my wife, Quite serene would be my life!" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. IV. "On this Coast of Coromandel Shrimps and watercresses grow, Prawns are plentiful and cheap," Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. "You shall have my chairs and candle, And my jug without a handle! Gaze upon the rolling deep (Fish is plentiful and cheap); As the sea, my love is deep!" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. V. Lady Jingly answered sadly, And her tears began to flow,-- "Your proposal comes too late, Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò! I would be your wife most gladly!" (Here she twirled her fingers madly,) "But in England I've a mate! Yes! you've asked me far too late, For in England I've a mate, Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò! Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò! VI. "Mr. Jones (his name is Handel,-- Handel Jones, Esquire, & Co.) Dorking fowls delights to send, Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò! Keep, oh, keep your chairs and candle, And your jug without a handle,-- I can merely be your friend! Should my Jones more Dorkings send, I will give you three, my friend! Mr. Yonghy-Bongy-Bò! Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò! VII. "Though you've such a tiny body, And your head so large doth grow,-- Though your hat may blow away, Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò! Though you're such a Hoddy Doddy, Yet I wish that I could modi- fy the words I needs must say! Will you please to go away? That is all I have to say, Mr. Yongby-Bonghy-Bò! Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò!" VIII. Down the slippery slopes of Myrtle, Where the early pumpkins blow, To the calm and silent sea Fled the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. There, beyond the Bay of Gurtle, Lay a large and lively Turtle. "You're the Cove," he said, "for me; On your back beyond the sea, Turtle, you shall carry me!" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. [Illustration] IX. Through the silent-roaring ocean Did the Turtle swiftly go; Holding fast upon his shell Rode the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. With a sad primaeval motion Towards the sunset isles of Boshen Still the Turtle bore him well. Holding fast upon his shell, "Lady Jingly Jones, farewell!" Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. X. From the Coast of Coromandel Did that Lady never go; On that heap of stones she mourns For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. On that Coast of Coromandel, In his jug without a handle Still she weeps, and daily moans; On that little heap of stones To her Dorking Hens she moans, For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. THE POBBLE WHO HAS NO TOES. [Illustration] I. The Pobble who has no toes Had once as many as we; When they said, "Some day you may lose them all;" He replied, "Fish fiddle de-dee!" And his Aunt Jobiska made him drink Lavender water tinged with pink; For she said, "The World in general knows There's nothing so good for a Pobble's toes!" II. The Pobble who has no toes, Swam across the Bristol Channel; But before he set out he wrapped his nose In a piece of scarlet flannel. For his Aunt Jobiska said, "No harm Can come to his toes if his nose is warm; And it's perfectly known that a Pobble's toes Are safe--provided he minds his nose." III. The Pobble swam fast and well, And when boats or ships came near him, He tinkledy-binkledy-winkled a bell So that all the world could hear him. And all the Sailors and Admirals cried, When they saw him nearing the further side,-- "He has gone to fish, for his Aunt Jobiska's Runcible Cat with crimson whiskers!" IV. But before he touched the shore,-- The shore of the Bristol Channel, A sea-green Porpoise carried away His wrapper of scarlet flannel. And when he came to observe his feet, Formerly garnished with toes so neat, His face at once became forlorn On perceiving that all his toes were gone! V. And nobody ever knew, From that dark day to the present, Whoso had taken the Pobble's toes, In a manner so far from pleasant. Whether the shrimps or crawfish gray, Or crafty Mermaids stole them away, Nobody knew; and nobody knows How the Pobble was robbed of his twice five toes! VI. The Pobble who has no toes Was placed in a friendly Bark, And they rowed him back, and carried him up To his Aunt Jobiska's Park. And she made him a feast, at his earnest wish, Of eggs and buttercups fried with fish; And she said, "It's a fact the whole world knows, That Pobbles are happier without their toes." THE NEW VESTMENTS. There lived an old man in the Kingdom of Tess, Who invented a purely original dress; And when it was perfectly made and complete, He opened the door and walked into the street. By way of a hat he'd a loaf of Brown Bread, In the middle of which he inserted his head; His Shirt was made up of no end of dead Mice, The warmth of whose skins was quite fluffy and nice; His Drawers were of Rabbit-skins, so were his Shoes; His Stockings were skins, but it is not known whose; His Waistcoat and Trowsers were made of Pork Chops; His Buttons were Jujubes and Chocolate Drops; His Coat was all Pancakes, with Jam for a border, And a girdle of Biscuits to keep it in order; And he wore over all, as a screen from bad weather, A Cloak of green Cabbage-leaves stitched all together. He had walked a short way, when he heard a great noise, Of all sorts of Beasticles, Birdlings, and Boys; And from every long street and dark lane in the town Beasts, Birdies, and Boys in a tumult rushed down. Two Cows and a Calf ate his Cabbage-leaf Cloak; Four Apes seized his Girdle, which vanished like smoke; Three Kids ate up half of his Pancaky Coat, And the tails were devour'd by an ancient He Goat; An army of Dogs in a twinkling tore _up_ his Pork Waistcoat and Trowsers to give to their Puppies; And while they were growling, and mumbling the Chops, Ten Boys prigged the Jujubes and Chocolate Drops. He tried to run back to his house, but in vain, For scores of fat Pigs came again and again: They rushed out of stables and hovels and doors; They tore off his stockings, his shoes, and his drawers; And now from the housetops with screechings descend Striped, spotted, white, black, and gray Cats without end: They jumped on his shoulders and knocked off his hat, When Crows, Ducks, and Hens made a mincemeat of that; They speedily flew at his sleeves in a trice, And utterly tore up his Shirt of dead Mice; They swallowed the last of his Shirt with a squall,-- Whereon he ran home with no clothes on at all. And he said to himself, as he bolted the door, "I will not wear a similar dress any more, Any more, any more, any more, never more!" MR. AND MRS. DISCOBBOLOS. I. Mr. and Mrs. Discobbolos Climbed to the top of a wall. And they sate to watch the sunset sky, And to hear the Nupiter Piffkin cry, And the Biscuit Buffalo call. They took up a roll and some Camomile tea, And both were as happy as happy could be, Till Mrs. Discobbolos said,-- "Oh! W! X! Y! Z! It has just come into my head, Suppose we should happen to fall!!!!! Darling Mr. Discobbolos! II. "Suppose we should fall down flumpetty, Just like pieces of stone, On to the thorns, or into the moat, What would become of your new green coat? And might you not break a bone? It never occurred to me before, That perhaps we shall never go down any more!" And Mrs. Discobbolos said, "Oh! W! X! Y! Z! What put it into your head To climb up this wall, my own Darling Mr. Discobbolos?" III. Mr. Discobbolos answered, "At first it gave me pain, And I felt my ears turn perfectly pink When your exclamation made me think We might never get down again! But now I believe it is wiser far To remain for ever just where we are." And Mr. Discobbolos said, "Oh! W! X! Y! Z! It has just come into my head We shall never go down again, Dearest Mrs. Discobbolos!" IV. So Mr. and Mrs. Discobbolos Stood up and began to sing,-- "Far away from hurry and strife Here we will pass the rest of life, Ding a dong, ding dong, ding! We want no knives nor forks nor chairs, No tables nor carpets nor household cares; From worry of life we've fled; Oh! W! X! Y! Z! There is no more trouble ahead, Sorrow or any such thing, For Mr. and Mrs. Discobbolos!" THE QUANGLE WANGLE'S HAT. [Illustration] I. On the top of the Crumpetty Tree The Quangle Wangle sat, But his face you could not see, On account of his Beaver Hat. For his Hat was a hundred and two feet wide, With ribbons and bibbons on every side, And bells, and buttons, and loops, and lace, So that nobody ever could see the face Of the Quangle Wangle Quee. II. The Quangle Wangle said To himself on the Crumpetty Tree, "Jam, and jelly, and bread Are the best of food for me! But the longer I live on this Crumpetty Tree The plainer than ever it seems to me That very few people come this way And that life on the whole is far from gay!" Said the Quangle Wangle Quee. III. But there came to the Crumpetty Tree Mr. and Mrs. Canary; And they said, "Did ever you see Any spot so charmingly airy? May we build a nest on your lovely Hat? Mr. Quangle Wangle, grant us that! O please let us come and build a nest Of whatever material suits you best, Mr. Quangle Wangle Quee!" IV. And besides, to the Crumpetty Tree Came the Stork, the Duck, and the Owl; The Snail and the Bumble-Bee, The Frog and the Fimble Fowl (The Fimble Fowl, with a Corkscrew leg); And all of them said, "We humbly beg We may build our homes on your lovely Hat,-- Mr. Quangle Wangle, grant us that! Mr. Quangle Wangle Quee!" V. And the Golden Grouse came there, And the Pobble who has no toes, And the small Olympian bear, And the Dong with a luminous nose. And the Blue Baboon who played the flute, And the Orient Calf from the Land of Tute, And the Attery Squash, and the Bisky Bat,-- All came and built on the lovely Hat Of the Quangle Wangle Quee. VI. And the Quangle Wangle said To himself on the Crumpetty Tree, "When all these creatures move What a wonderful noise there'll be!" And at night by the light of the Mulberry moon They danced to the Flute of the Blue Baboon, On the broad green leaves of the Crumpetty Tree, And all were as happy as happy could be, With the Quangle Wangle Quee. THE CUMMERBUND. An Indian Poem. I. She sate upon her Dobie, To watch the Evening Star, And all the Punkahs, as they passed, Cried, "My! how fair you are!" Around her bower, with quivering leaves, The tall Kamsamahs grew, And Kitmutgars in wild festoons Hung down from Tchokis blue. II. Below her home the river rolled With soft meloobious sound, Where golden-finned Chuprassies swam, In myriads circling round. Above, on tallest trees remote Green Ayahs perched alone, And all night long the Mussak moan'd Its melancholy tone. III. And where the purple Nullahs threw Their branches far and wide, And silvery Goreewallahs flew In silence, side by side, The little Bheesties' twittering cry Rose on the flagrant air, And oft the angry Jampan howled Deep in his hateful lair. IV. She sate upon her Dobie, She heard the Nimmak hum, When all at once a cry arose, "The Cummerbund is come!" In vain she fled: with open jaws The angry monster followed, And so (before assistance came) That Lady Fair was swollowed. V. They sought in vain for even a bone Respectfully to bury; They said, "Hers was a dreadful fate!" (And Echo answered, "Very.") They nailed her Dobie to the wall, Where last her form was seen, And underneath they wrote these words, In yellow, blue, and green: "Beware, ye Fair! Ye Fair, beware! Nor sit out late at night, Lest horrid Cummerbunds should come, And swollow you outright." NOTE.--First published in _Times of India_, Bombay, July, 1874. THE AKOND OF SWAT. Who, or why, or which, or _what_, Is the Akond of SWAT? Is he tall or short, or dark or fair? Does he sit on a stool or a sofa or chair, or SQUAT, The Akond of Swat? Is he wise or foolish, young or old? Does he drink his soup and his coffee cold, or HOT, The Akond of Swat? Does he sing or whistle, jabber or talk, And when riding abroad does he gallop or walk, or TROT, The Akond of Swat? Does he wear a turban, a fez, or a hat? Does he sleep on a mattress, a bed, or a mat, or a COT, The Akond of Swat? When he writes a copy in round-hand size, Does he cross his T's and finish his I's with a DOT, The Akond of Swat? Can he write a letter concisely clear Without a speck or a smudge or smear or BLOT, The Akond of Swat? Do his people like him extremely well? Or do they, whenever they can, rebel, or PLOT, At the Akond of Swat? If he catches them then, either old or young, Does he have them chopped in pieces or hung, or _shot_, The Akond of Swat? Do his people prig in the lanes or park? Or even at times, when days are dark, GAROTTE? O the Akond of Swat! Does he study the wants of his own dominion? Or doesn't he care for public opinion a JOT, The Akond of Swat? To amuse his mind do his people show him Pictures, or any one's last new poem, or WHAT, For the Akond of Swat? At night if he suddenly screams and wakes, Do they bring him only a few small cakes, or a LOT, For the Akond of Swat? Does he live on turnips, tea, or tripe? Does he like his shawl to be marked with a stripe, or a DOT, The Akond of Swat? Does he like to lie on his back in a boat Like the lady who lived in that isle remote, SHALLOTT, The Akond of Swat? Is he quiet, or always making a fuss? Is his steward a Swiss or a Swede or a Russ, or a SCOT, The Akond of Swat? Does he like to sit by the calm blue wave? Or to sleep and snore in a dark green cave, or a GROTT, The Akond of Swat? Does he drink small beer from a silver jug? Or a bowl? or a glass? or a cup? or a mug? or a POT, The Akond of Swat? Does he beat his wife with a gold-topped pipe, When she lets the gooseberries grow too ripe, or ROT, The Akond of Swat? Does he wear a white tie when he dines with friends, And tie it neat in a bow with ends, or a KNOT, The Akond of Swat? Does he like new cream, and hate mince-pies? When he looks at the sun does he wink his eyes, or NOT, The Akond of Swat? Does he teach his subjects to roast and bake? Does he sail about on an inland lake, in a YACHT, The Akond of Swat? Some one, or nobody, knows I wot Who or which or why or what Is the Akond of Swat! NOTE.--For the existence of this potentate see Indian newspapers, _passim_. The proper way to read the verses is to make an immense emphasis on the monosyllabic rhymes, which indeed ought to be shouted out by a chorus. * * * * * NONSENSE BOTANY. [Illustration: Armchairia Comfortabilis.] [Illustration: Bassia Palealensis.] [Illustration: Bubblia Blowpipia.] [Illustration: Bluebottlia Buzztilentia.] [Illustration: Crabbia Horrida.] [Illustration: Smalltoothcombia Domestica.] [Illustration: Knutmigrata Simplice.] [Illustration: Tureenia Ladlecum.] [Illustration: Puffia Leatherbellowsa.] [Illustration: Queeriflora Babyöides.] * * * * * NONSENSE ALPHABETS. A [Illustration] A was an Area Arch Where washerwomen sat; They made a lot of lovely starch To starch Papa's Cravat. B [Illustration] B was a Bottle blue, Which was not very small; Papa he filled it full of beer, And then he drank it all. C [Illustration] C was Papa's gray Cat, Who caught a squeaky Mouse; She pulled him by his twirly tail All about the house. D [Illustration] D was Papa's white Duck, Who had a curly tail; One day it ate a great fat frog, Besides a leetle snail. E [Illustration] E was a little Egg, Upon the breakfast table; Papa came in and ate it up As fast as he was able. F [Illustration] F was a little Fish. Cook in the river took it Papa said, "Cook! Cook! bring a dish! And, Cook! be quick and cook it!" G [Illustration] G was Papa's new Gun; He put it in a box; And then he went and bought a bun, And walked about the Docks. H [Illustration] H was Papa's new Hat; He wore it on his head; Outside it was completely black, But inside it was red. I [Illustration] I was an Inkstand new, Papa he likes to use it; He keeps it in his pocket now, For fear that he should lose it. J [Illustration] J was some Apple Jam, Of which Papa ate part; But all the rest he took away And stuffed into a tart. K [Illustration] K was a great new Kite; Papa he saw it fly Above a thousand chimney pots, And all about the sky. L [Illustration] L was a fine new Lamp; But when the wick was lit, Papa he said, "This Light ain't good! I cannot read a bit!" M [Illustration] M was a dish of mince; It looked so good to eat! Papa, he quickly ate it up, And said, "This is a treat!" N [Illustration] N was a Nut that grew High up upon a tree; Papa, who could not reach it, said, "That's _much_ too high for me!" O [Illustration] O was an Owl who flew All in the dark away, Papa said, "What an owl you are! Why don't you fly by day?" P [Illustration] P was a little Pig, Went out to take a walk; Papa he said, "If Piggy dead, He'd all turn into Pork!" Q [Illustration] Q was a Quince that hung Upon a garden tree; Papa he brought it with him home, And ate it with his tea. R [Illustration] R was a Railway Rug Extremely large and warm; Papa he wrapped it round his head, In a most dreadful storm. S [Illustration] S was Papa's new Stick, Papa's new thumping Stick, To thump extremely wicked boys, Because it was so thick. T [Illustration] T was a tumbler full Of Punch all hot and good; Papa he drank it up, when in The middle of a wood. U [Illustration] U was a silver urn, Full of hot scalding water; Papa said, "If that Urn were mine, I'd give it to my daughter!" V [Illustration] V was a Villain; once He stole a piece of beef. Papa he said, "Oh, dreadful man! That Villain is a Thief!" W [Illustration] W was a Watch of Gold: It told the time of day, So that Papa knew when to come, And when to go away. X [Illustration] X was King Xerxes, whom Papa much wished to know; But this he could not do, because Xerxes died long ago. Y [Illustration] Y was a Youth, who kicked And screamed and cried like mad; Papa he said, "Your conduct is Abominably bad!" Z [Illustration] Z was a Zebra striped And streaked with lines of black; Papa said once, he thought he'd like A ride upon his back. ALPHABET, No. 6. A tumbled down, and hurt his Arm, against a bit of wood, B said. "My Boy, oh, do not cry; it cannot do you good!" C said, "A Cup of Coffee hot can't do you any harm." D said, "A Doctor should be fetched, and he would cure the arm." E said, "An Egg beat up with milk would quickly make him well." F said, "A Fish, if broiled, might cure, if only by the smell." G said, "Green Gooseberry fool, the best of cures I hold." H said, "His Hat should be kept on, to keep him from the cold." I said, "Some Ice upon his head will make him better soon." J said, "Some Jam, if spread on bread, or given in a spoon!" K said, "A Kangaroo is here,--this picture let him see." L said, "A Lamp pray keep alight, to make some barley tea." M said, "A Mulberry or two might give him satisfaction." N said, "Some Nuts, if rolled about, might be a slight attraction." O said, "An Owl might make him laugh, if only it would wink." P said, "Some Poetry might be read aloud, to make him think." Q said, "A Quince I recommend,--a Quince, or else a Quail." R said, "Some Rats might make him move, if fastened by their tail." S said, "A Song should now be sung, in hopes to make him laugh!" T said, "A Turnip might avail, if sliced or cut in half!" U said, "An Urn, with water hot, place underneath his chin!" V said, "I'll stand upon a chair, and play a Violin!" W said, "Some Whisky-Whizzgigs fetch, some marbles and a ball!" X said, "Some double XX ale would be the best of all!" Y said, "Some Yeast mixed up with salt would make a perfect plaster!" Z said, "Here is a box of Zinc! Get in, my little master! We'll shut you up! We'll nail you down! We will, my little master! We think we've all heard quite enough of this your sad disaster!" 
13646	----	Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file which includes the original illustrations. See 13646-h.htm or 13646-h.zip: (http://www.gutenberg.net/dirs/1/3/6/4/13646/13646-h/13646-h.htm) or (http://www.gutenberg.net/dirs/1/3/6/4/13646/13646-h.zip) A BOOK OF NONSENSE by EDWARD LEAR With All the Original Pictures and Verses [Illustration] There was an Old Derry down Derry, who loved to see little folks merry; So he made them a Book, and with laughter they shook At the fun of that Derry down Derry. Original Dedication. TO THE GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, GRAND-NEPHEWS, AND GRAND-NIECES OF EDWARD, 13TH EARL OF DERBY, THIS BOOK OF DRAWINGS AND VERSES (The greater part of which were originally made and composed for their parents.) Is Dedicated by the Author, EDWARD LEAR. London, 1862. [Illustration] There was an Old Man with a nose, Who said, "If you choose to suppose That my nose is too long, you are certainly wrong!" That remarkable Man with a nose. [Illustration] There was a Young Person of Smyrna, Whose Grandmother threatened to burn her; But she seized on the Cat, and said, "Granny, burn that! You incongruous Old Woman of Smyrna!" [Illustration] There was an Old Man on a hill, Who seldom, if ever, stood still; He ran up and down in his Grandmother's gown, Which adorned that Old Man on a hill. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Chili, Whose conduct was painful and silly; He sate on the stairs, eating apples and pears, That imprudent Old Person of Chili. [Illustration] There was an Old Man with a gong, Who bumped at it all the day long; But they called out, "Oh, law! you're a horrid old bore!" So they smashed that Old Man with a gong. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Kilkenny, Who never had more than a penny; He spent all that money in onions and honey, That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Columbia, Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer; But they brought it quite hot, in a small copper pot, Which disgusted that man of Columbia. [Illustration] There was an Old Man in a tree, Who was horribly bored by a Bee; When they said, "Does it buzz?" he replied, "Yes, it does! It's a regular brute of a Bee." [Illustration] There was an Old Lady of Chertsey, Who made a remarkable curtsey; She twirled round and round, till she sank underground, Which distressed all the people of Chertsey. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady whose chin Resembled the point of a pin; So she had it made sharp, and purchased a harp, And played several tunes with her chin. [Illustration] There was an Old Man with a flute,-- A "sarpint" ran into his boot! But he played day and night, till the "sarpint" took flight, And avoided that Man with a flute. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Portugal, Whose ideas were excessively nautical; She climbed up a tree to examine the sea, But declared she would never leave Portugal. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Ischia, Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier; He danced hornpipes and jigs, and ate thousands of figs, That lively Old Person of Ischia [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Vienna, Who lived upon Tincture of Senna; When that did not agree, he took Camomile Tea, That nasty Old Man of Vienna. [Illustraion] There was an Old Man in a boat, Who said, "I'm afloat! I'm afloat!" When they said, "No, you ain't!" he was ready to faint, That unhappy Old Man in a boat. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Buda, Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder, Till at last with a hammer they silenced his clamor. By smashing that Person of Buda. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Moldavia, Who had the most curious behavior; For while he was able, he slept on a table, That funny Old Man of Moldavia. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Hurst, Who drank when he was not athirst; When they said, "You'll grow fatter!" he answered "What matter?" That globular Person of Hurst. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Madras, Who rode on a cream-colored Ass; But the length of its ears so promoted his fears, That it killed that Old Man of Madras. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Dover, Who rushed through a field of blue clover; But some very large Bees stung his nose and his knees, So he very soon went back to Dover. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Leeds, Whose head was infested with beads; She sat on a stool and ate gooseberry-fool, Which agreed with that Person of Leeds. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Cadiz, Who was always polite to all ladies; But in handing his daughter, he fell into the water, Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the Isles, Whose face was pervaded with smiles; He sang "High dum diddle," and played on the fiddle, That amiable Man of the Isles. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Basing, Whose presence of mind was amazing; He purchased a steed, which he rode at full speed, And escaped from the people of Basing. [Illustration] There was an Old Man who supposed That the street door was partially closed; But some very large Rats ate his coats and his hats, While that futile Old Gentleman dozed. [Illustration] There was an Old Person whose habits Induced him to feed upon Rabbits; When he'd eaten eighteen, he turned perfectly green, Upon which he relinquished those habits. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the West, Who wore a pale plum-colored vest; When they said, "Does it fit?" he replied, "Not a bit!" That uneasy Old Man of the West. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Marseilles, Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils: They caught several Fish, which they put in a dish, And sent to their Pa at Marseilles. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the Wrekin, Whose shoes made a horrible creaking; But they said, "Tell us whether your shoes are of leather, Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?" [Illustration] There was a Young Lady whose nose Was so long that it reached to her toes; So she hired an Old Lady, whose conduct was steady, To carry that wonderful nose. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Norway, Who casually sat in a doorway; When the door squeezed her flat, she exclaimed, "What of that?" This courageous Young Lady of Norway. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Apulia, Whose conduct was very peculiar; He fed twenty sons upon nothing but buns, That whimsical Man of Apulia. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Quebec,-- A beetle ran over his neck; But he cried, "With a needle I'll slay you, O beadle!" That angry Old Man of Quebec. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Bute, Who played on a silver-gilt flute; She played several jigs to her Uncle's white Pigs: That amusing Young Lady of Bute. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Philoe, Whose conduct was scroobious and wily; He rushed up a Palm when the weather was calm, And observed all the ruins of Philoe. [Illustration] There was an Old Man with a poker, Who painted his face with red ochre. When they said, "You 're a Guy!" he made no reply, But knocked them all down with his poker. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Prague, Who was suddenly seized with the plague; But they gave him some butter, which caused him to mutter, And cured that Old Person of Prague. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Peru, Who watched his wife making a stew; But once, by mistake, in a stove she did bake That unfortunate Man of Peru. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the North, Who fell into a basin of broth; But a laudable cook fished him out with a hook, Which saved that Old Man of the North. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Troy, Whose drink was warm brandy and soy, Which he took with a spoon, by the light of the moon, In sight of the city of Troy. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Mold, Who shrank from sensations of cold; So he purchased some muffs, some furs, and some fluffs, And wrapped himself well from the cold. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Tring, Who embellished his nose with a ring; He gazed at the moon every evening in June, That ecstatic Old Person of Tring. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Nepaul, From his horse had a terrible fall; But, though split quite in two, with some very strong glue They mended that man of Nepaul. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the Nile, Who sharpened his nails with a file, Till he cut off his thumbs, and said calmly, "This comes Of sharpening one's nails with a file!" [Illustration] There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi, So blind that he couldn't his foot see; When they said, "That's your toe," he replied, "Is it so?" That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Calcutta, Who perpetually ate bread and butter; Till a great bit of muffin, on which he was stuffing, Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Rhodes, Who strongly objected to toads; He paid several cousins to catch them by dozens, That futile Old Person of Rhodes. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the South, Who had an immoderate mouth; But in swallowing a dish that was quite full of Fish, He was choked, that Old Man of the South. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Melrose, Who walked on the tips of his toes; But they said, "It ain't pleasant to see you at present, You stupid Old Man of Melrose." [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the Dee, Who was sadly annoyed by a Flea; When he said, "I will scratch it!" they gave him a hatchet, Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Lucca, Whose lovers completely forsook her; She ran up a tree, and said "Fiddle-de-dee!" Which embarrassed the people of Lucca. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Coblenz, The length of whose legs was immense; He went with one prance from Turkey to France, That surprising Old Man of Coblenz. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Bohemia, Whose daughter was christened Euphemia; But one day, to his grief, she married a thief, Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Corfu, Who never knew what he should do; So he rushed up and down, till the sun made him brown, That bewildered Old Man of Corfu. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Vesuvius, Who studied the works of Vitruvius; When the flames burnt his book, to drinking he took, That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Dundee, Who frequented the top of a tree; When disturbed by the Crows, he abruptly arose, And exclaimed, "I'll return to Dundee!" [Illustration] There was an Old Lady whose folly Induced her to sit in a holly; Whereon, by a thorn her dress being torn, She quickly became melancholy. [Illustration] There was an Old Man on some rocks, Who shut his Wife up in a box: When she said, "Let me out," he exclaimed, "Without doubt You will pass all your life in that box." [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Rheims, Who was troubled with horrible dreams; So to keep him awake they fed him with cake, Which amused that Old Person of Rheims. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Leghorn, The smallest that ever was born; But quickly snapt up he was once by a Puppy, Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn. [Illustration] There was an Old Man in a pew, Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue; But he tore it in pieces, to give to his Nieces, That cheerful Old Man in a pew. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Jamaica, Who suddenly married a Quaker; But she cried out, "Oh, lack! I have married a black!" Which distressed that Old Man of Jamaica. [Illustration] There was an Old Man who said, "How Shall I flee from this horrible Cow? I will sit on this stile, and continue to smile, Which may soften the heart of that Cow." [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Troy, Whom several large flies did annoy; Some she killed with a thump, some she drowned at the pump, And some she took with her to Troy. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Hull, Who was chased by a virulent Bull; But she seized on a spade, and called out, "Who's afraid?" Which distracted that virulent Bull. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Dutton, Whose head was as small as a button; So to make it look big he purchased a wig, And rapidly rushed about Dutton. [Illustration] There was an Old Man who said, "Hush! I perceive a young bird in this bush!" When they said, "Is it small?" he replied, "Not at all; It is four times as big as the bush!" [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Russia, Who screamed so that no one could hush her; Her screams were extreme,--no one heard such a scream As was screamed by that Lady of Russia. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Tyre, Who swept the loud chords of a lyre; At the sound of each sweep she enraptured the deep, And enchanted the city of Tyre. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Bangor, Whose face was distorted with anger; He tore off his boots, and subsisted on roots, That borascible Person of Bangor. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the East, Who gave all his children a feast; But they all ate so much, and their conduct was such, That it killed that Old Man of the East. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the Coast, Who placidly sat on a post; But when it was cold he relinquished his hold, And called for some hot buttered toast. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Kamschatka, Who possessed a remarkably fat Cur; His gait and his waddle were held as a model To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Gretna, Who rushed down the crater of Etna; When they said, "Is it hot?" he replied, "No, it's not!" That mendacious Old Person of Gretna. [Illustration] There was an Old Man with a beard, Who sat on a Horse when he reared; But they said, "Never mind! you will fall off behind, You propitious Old Man with a beard!" [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Berlin, Whose form was uncommonly thin; Till he once, by mistake, was mixed up in a cake, So they baked that Old Man of Berlin. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the West, Who never could get any rest; So they set him to spin on his nose and his chin, Which cured that Old Man of the West. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Cheadle Was put in the stocks by the Beadle For stealing some pigs, some coats, and some wigs, That horrible person of Cheadle. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Anerley, Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly; He rushed down the Strand with a Pig in each hand, But returned in the evening to Anerley. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Wales, Who caught a large Fish without scales; When she lifted her hook, she exclaimed, "Only look!" That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Welling, Whose praise all the world was a-telling; She played on the harp, and caught several Carp, That accomplished Young Lady of Welling. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Tartary, Who divided his jugular artery; But he screeched to his Wife, and she said, "Oh, my life! Your death will be felt by all Tartary!" [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Whitehaven, Who danced a quadrille with a Raven; But they said, "It's absurd to encourage this bird!" So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Sweden, Who went by the slow train to Weedon; When they cried, "Weedon Station!" she made no observation, But thought she should go back to Sweden. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Chester, Whom several small children did pester; They threw some large stones, which broke most of his bones, And displeased that Old Person of Chester. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the Cape, Who possessed a large Barbary Ape; Till the Ape, one dark night, set the house all alight, Which burned that Old Man of the Cape. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Burton, Whose answers were rather uncertain; When they said, "How d' ye do?" he replied, "Who are you?" That distressing Old Person of Burton. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Ems Who casually fell in the Thames; And when he was found, they said he was drowned, That unlucky Old Person of Ems. [Illustration] There was a Young Girl of Majorca, Whose Aunt was a very fast walker; She walked seventy miles, and leaped fifteen stiles, Which astonished that Girl of Majorca. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Poole, Whose soup was excessively cool; So she put it to boil by the aid of some oil, That ingenious Young Lady of Poole. [Illustration] There was an Old Lady of Prague, Whose language was horribly vague; When they said, "Are these caps?" she answered, "Perhaps!" That oracular Lady of Prague. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Parma, Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer: When they said, "Are you dumb?" she merely said, "Hum!" That provoking Young Lady of Parma. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Sparta, Who had twenty-five sons and one "darter;" He fed them on Snails, and weighed them in scales, That wonderful Person of Sparta. [Illustration] There was an Old Man on whose nose Most birds of the air could repose; But they all flew away at the closing of day, Which relieved that Old Man and his nose. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Turkey, Who wept when the weather was murky; When the day turned out fine, she ceased to repine, That capricious Young Lady of Turkey. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Aôsta Who possessed a large Cow, but he lost her; But they said, "Don't you see she has run up a tree, You invidious Old Man of Aôsta?" [Illustration] There was a Young Person of Crete, Whose toilette was far from complete; She dressed in a sack spickle-speckled with black, That ombliferous Person of Crete. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Clare, Who was madly pursued by a Bear; When she found she was tired, she abruptly expired, That unfortunate Lady of Clare. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Dorking, Who bought a large bonnet for walking; But its color and size so bedazzled her eyes, That she very soon went back to Dorking. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Cape Horn, Who wished he had never been born; So he sat on a Chair till he died of despair, That dolorous Man of Cape Horn. [Illustration] There was an old Person of Cromer, Who stood on one leg to read Homer; When he found he grew stiff, he jumped over the cliff, Which concluded that Person of Cromer. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the Hague, Whose ideas were excessively vague; He built a balloon to examine the moon, That deluded Old Man of the Hague. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Spain, Who hated all trouble and pain; So he sate on a chair with his feet in the air, That umbrageous Old Person of Spain. [Illustration] There was an Old Man who said, "Well! Will _nobody_ answer this bell? I have pulled day and night, till my hair has grown white, But nobody answers this bell!" [Illustration] There was an Old Man with an Owl, Who continued to bother and howl; He sat on a rail, and imbibed bitter ale, Which refreshed that Old Man and his Owl. [Illustration] There was an Old Man in a casement, Who held up his hands in amazement; When they said, "Sir, you'll fall!" he replied, "Not at all!" That incipient Old Man in a casement. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Ewell, Who chiefly subsisted on gruel; But to make it more nice, he inserted some Mice, Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Peru. Who never knew what he should do; So he tore off his hair, and behaved like a bear, That intrinsic Old Man of Peru. [Illustration] There was an Old Man with a beard, Who said, "It is just as I feared!-- Two Owls and a Hen, four Larks and a Wren, Have all built their nests in my beard." [Illustration] There was a Young Lady whose eyes Were unique as to color and size; When she opened them wide, people all turned aside, And started away in surprise. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Ryde, Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied; She purchased some clogs, and some small spotty Dogs, And frequently walked about Ryde. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady whose bonnet Came untied when the birds sate upon it; But she said, "I don't care! all the birds in the air Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!" 
13647	----	Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file which includes the original illustrations. See 13647-h.htm or 13647-h.zip: (http://www.gutenberg.net/dirs/1/3/6/4/13647/13647-h/13647-h.htm) or (http://www.gutenberg.net/dirs/1/3/6/4/13647/13647-h.zip) NONSENSE SONG Stories, Botany, and Alphabets by EDWARD LEAR [Illustration] CONTENTS NONSENSE SONGS. THE OWL AND THE PUSSY-CAT THE DUCK AND THE KANGAROO THE DADDY LONG-LEGS AND THE FLY THE JUMBLIES THE NUTCRACKERS AND THE SUGAR-TONGS CALICO PIE MR. AND MRS. SPIKKY SPARROW THE BROOM, THE SHOVEL, THE POKER, AND THE TONGS THE TABLE AND THE CHAIR NONSENSE STORIES. THE STORY OF THE FOUR LITTLE CHILDREN WHO WENT ROUND THE WORLD THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES OF THE LAKE PIPPLE-POPPLE NONSENSE COOKERY NONSENSE BOTANY NONSENSE ALPHABET, No. 1 " " No. 2 " " No. 3 NONSENSE SONGS. THE OWL AND THE PUSSY-CAT. [Illustration] I. The Owl and the Pussy-Cat went to sea In a beautiful pea-green boat: They took some honey, and plenty of money Wrapped up in a five-pound note. The Owl looked up to the stars above, And sang to a small guitar, "O lovely Pussy, O Pussy, my love, What a beautiful Pussy you are, You are, You are! What a beautiful Pussy you are!" II. Pussy said to the Owl, "You elegant fowl, How charmingly sweet you sing! Oh! let us be married; too long we have tarried: But what shall we do for a ring?" They sailed away, for a year and a day, To the land where the bong-tree grows; And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood, With a ring at the end of his nose, His nose, His nose, With a ring at the end of his nose. III. "Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling Your ring?" Said the Piggy, "I will." So they took it away, and were married next day By the Turkey who lives on the hill. They dined on mince and slices of quince, Which they ate with a runcible spoon; And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, They danced by the light of the moon, The moon, The moon, They danced by the light of the moon. [Illustration] THE DUCK AND THE KANGAROO. [Illustration] I. Said the Duck to the Kangaroo, "Good gracious! how you hop Over the fields, and the water too, As if you never would stop! My life is a bore in this nasty pond; And I long to go out in the world beyond: I wish I could hop like you," Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. II. "Please give me a ride on your back," Said the Duck to the Kangaroo: "I would sit quite still, and say nothing but 'Quack' The whole of the long day through; And we 'd go the Dee, and the Jelly Bo Lee, Over the land, and over the sea: Please take me a ride! oh, do!" Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. [Illustration] III. Said the Kangaroo to the Duck, "This requires some little reflection. Perhaps, on the whole, it might bring me luck; And there seems but one objection; Which is, if you'll let me speak so bold, Your feet are unpleasantly wet and cold, And would probably give me the roo- Matiz," said the Kangaroo. [Illustration] IV. Said the Duck, "As I sate on the rocks, I have thought over that completely; And I bought four pairs of worsted socks, Which fit my web-feet neatly; And, to keep out the cold, I've bought a cloak; And every day a cigar I'll smoke; All to follow my own dear true Love of a Kangaroo." V. Said the Kangaroo, "I'm ready, All in the moonlight pale; But to balance me well, dear Duck, sit steady, And quite at the end of my tail." So away they went with a hop and a bound; And they hopped the whole world three times round. And who so happy, oh! who, As the Duck and the Kangaroo? [Illustration] THE DADDY LONG-LEGS AND THE FLY. [Illustration] I. Once Mr. Daddy Long-legs, Dressed in brown and gray, Walked about upon the sands Upon a summer's day: And there among the pebbles, When the wind was rather cold, He met with Mr. Floppy Fly, All dressed in blue and gold; And, as it was too soon to dine, They drank some periwinkle-wine, And played an hour or two, or more, At battlecock and shuttledore. II. Said Mr. Daddy Long-legs To Mr. Floppy Fly, "Why do you never come to court? I wish you 'd tell me why. All gold and shine, in dress so fine, You'd quite delight the court. Why do you never go at all? I really think you _ought_. And, if you went, you'd see such sights! Such rugs and jugs and candle-lights! And, more than all, the king and queen,-- One in red, and one in green." III. "O Mr. Daddy Long-legs!" Said Mr. Floppy Fly, "It's true I never go to court; And I will tell you why. If I had six long legs like yours, At once I'd go to court; But, oh! I can't, because _my_ legs Are so extremely short. And I'm afraid the king and queen (One in red, and one in green) Would say aloud, 'You are not fit, You Fly, to come to court a bit!'" IV. "Oh, Mr. Daddy Long-legs!" Said Mr. Floppy Fly, "I wish you 'd sing one little song, One mumbian melody. You used to sing so awful well In former days gone by; But now you never sing at all: I wish you'd tell me why: For, if you would, the silvery sound Would please the shrimps and cockles round, And all the crabs would gladly come To hear you sing, 'Ah, Hum di Hum!'" V. Said Mr. Daddy Long-legs, "I can never sing again; And, if you wish, I'll tell you why, Although it gives me pain. For years I cannot hum a bit, Or sing the smallest song; And this the dreadful reason is,-- My legs are grown too long! My six long legs, all here and there, Oppress my bosom with despair; And, if I stand or lie or sit, I cannot sing one single bit!" VI. So Mr. Daddy Long-legs And Mr. Floppy Fly Sat down in silence by the sea, And gazed upon the sky. They said, "This is a dreadful thing! The world has all gone wrong, Since one has legs too short by half, The other much too long. One never more can go to court, Because his legs have grown too short; The other cannot sing a song, Because his legs have grown too long!" VII. Then Mr. Daddy Long-legs And Mr. Floppy Fly Rushed downward to the foamy sea With one sponge-taneous cry: And there they found a little boat, Whose sails were pink and gray; And off they sailed among the waves, Far and far away: They sailed across the silent main, And reached the great Gromboolian Plain; And there they play forevermore At battlecock and shuttledore. [Illustration] THE JUMBLIES. [Illustration] I. They went to sea in a sieve, they did; In a sieve they went to sea: In spite of all their friends could say, On a winter's morn, on a stormy day, In a sieve they went to sea. And when the sieve turned round and round, And every one cried, "You'll all be drowned!" They called aloud, "Our sieve ain't big; But we don't care a button, we don't care a fig: In a sieve we'll go to sea!" Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live: Their heads are green, and their hands are blue And they went to sea in a sieve. II. They sailed away in a sieve, they did, In a sieve they sailed so fast, With only a beautiful pea-green veil Tied with a ribbon, by way of a sail, To a small tobacco-pipe mast. And every one said who saw them go, "Oh! won't they be soon upset, you know? For the sky is dark, and the voyage is long; And, happen what may, it's extremely wrong In a sieve to sail so fast." Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live: Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; And they went to sea in a sieve. III. The water it soon came in, it did; The water it soon came in: So, to keep them dry, they wrapped their feet In a pinky paper all folded neat; And they fastened it down with a pin. And they passed the night in a crockery-jar; And each of them said, "How wise we are! Though the sky be dark, and the voyage be long, Yet we never can think we were rash or wrong, While round in our sieve we spin." Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live: Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; And they went to sea in a sieve. IV. And all night long they sailed away; And when the sun went down, They whistled and warbled a moony song To the echoing sound of a coppery gong, In the shade of the mountains brown. "O Timballoo! How happy we are When we live in a sieve and a crockery-jar! And all night long, in the moonlight pale, We sail away with a pea-green sail In the shade of the mountains brown." Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live: Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; And they went to sea in a sieve. V. They sailed to the Western Sea, they did,-- To a land all covered with trees: And they bought an owl, and a useful cart, And a pound of rice, and a cranberry-tart, And a hive of silvery bees; And they bought a pig, and some green jackdaws, And a lovely monkey with lollipop paws, And forty bottles of ring-bo-ree, And no end of Stilton cheese. Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live: Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; And they went to sea in a sieve. VI. And in twenty years they all came back,-- In twenty years or more; And every one said, "How tall they've grown! For they've been to the Lakes, and the Torrible Zone, And the hills of the Chankly Bore." And they drank their health, and gave them a feast Of dumplings made of beautiful yeast; And every one said, "If we only live, We, too, will go to sea in a sieve, To the hills of the Chankly Bore." Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live: Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; And they went to sea in a sieve. THE NUTCRACKERS AND THE SUGAR-TONGS. [Illustration] I. The Nutcrackers sate by a plate on the table; The Sugar-tongs sate by a plate at his side; And the Nutcrackers said, "Don't you wish we were able Along the blue hills and green meadows to ride? Must we drag on this stupid existence forever, So idle and weary, so full of remorse, While every one else takes his pleasure, and never Seems happy unless he is riding a horse? II. "Don't you think we could ride without being instructed, Without any saddle or bridle or spur? Our legs are so long, and so aptly constructed, I'm sure that an accident could not occur. Let us all of a sudden hop down from the table, And hustle downstairs, and each jump on a horse! Shall we try? Shall we go? Do you think we are able?" The Sugar-tongs answered distinctly, "Of course!" III. So down the long staircase they hopped in a minute; The Sugar-tongs snapped, and the Crackers said "Crack!" The stable was open; the horses were in it: Each took out a pony, and jumped on his back. The Cat in a fright scrambled out of the doorway; The Mice tumbled out of a bundle of hay; The brown and white Rats, and the black ones from Norway, Screamed out, "They are taking the horses away!" IV. The whole of the household was filled with amazement: The Cups and the Saucers danced madly about; The Plates and the Dishes looked out of the casement; The Salt-cellar stood on his head with a shout; The Spoons, with a clatter, looked out of the lattice; The Mustard-pot climbed up the gooseberry-pies; The Soup-ladle peeped through a heap of veal-patties, And squeaked with a ladle-like scream of surprise. V. The Frying-pan said, "It's an awful delusion!" The Tea-kettle hissed, and grew black in the face; And they all rushed downstairs in the wildest confusion To see the great Nutcracker-Sugar-tong race. And out of the stable, with screamings and laughter (Their ponies were cream-colored, speckled with brown), The Nutcrackers first, and the Sugar-tongs after; Rode all round the yard, and then all round the town. VI. They rode through the street, and they rode by the station; They galloped away to the beautiful shore; In silence they rode, and "made no observation," Save this: "We will never go back any more!" And still you might hear, till they rode out of hearing, The Sugar-tongs snap, and the Crackers say "Crack!" Till, far in the distance their forms disappearing, They faded away; and they never came back! CALICO PIE. [Illustration] I. Calico pie, The little birds fly Down to the calico-tree: Their wings were blue, And they sang "Tilly-loo!" Till away they flew; And they never came back to me! They never came back, They never came back, They never came back to me! II. Calico jam, The little Fish swam Over the Syllabub Sea. He took off his hat To the Sole and the Sprat, And the Willeby-wat: But he never came back to me; He never came back, He never came back, He never came back to me. [Illustration] III. Calico ban, The little Mice ran To be ready in time for tea; Flippity flup, They drank it all up, And danced in the cup: But they never came back to me; They never came back, They never came back, They never came back to me. [Illustration] IV. Calico drum, The Grasshoppers come, The Butterfly, Beetle, and Bee, Over the ground, Around and round, With a hop and a bound; But they never came back, They never came back, They never came back. They never came back to me. [Illustration] MR. AND MRS. SPIKKY SPARROW. [Illustration] I. On a little piece of wood Mr. Spikky Sparrow stood: Mrs. Sparrow sate close by, A-making of an insect-pie For her little children five, In the nest and all alive; Singing with a cheerful smile, To amuse them all the while, "Twikky wikky wikky wee, Wikky bikky twikky tee, Spikky bikky bee!" II. Mrs. Spikky Sparrow said, "Spikky, darling! in my head Many thoughts of trouble come, Like to flies upon a plum. All last night, among the trees, I heard you cough, I heard you sneeze; And thought I, 'It's come to that Because he does not wear a hat!' Chippy wippy sikky tee, Bikky wikky tikky mee, Spikky chippy wee! III. "Not that you are growing old; But the nights are growing cold. No one stays out all night long Without a hat: I'm sure it's wrong!" Mr. Spikky said, "How kind, Dear, you are, to speak your mind! All your life I wish you luck! You are, you are, a lovely duck! Witchy witchy witchy wee, Twitchy witchy witchy bee, Tikky tikky tee! IV. "I was also sad, and thinking, When one day I saw you winking, And I heard you sniffle-snuffle, And I saw your feathers ruffle: To myself I sadly said, 'She's neuralgia in her head! That dear head has nothing on it! Ought she not to wear a bonnet?' Witchy kitchy kitchy wee, Spikky wikky mikky bee, Chippy wippy chee! V. "Let us both fly up to town: There I'll buy you such a gown! Which, completely in the fashion, You shall tie a sky-blue sash on; And a pair of slippers neat To fit your darling little feet, So that you will look and feel Quite galloobious and genteel. Jikky wikky bikky see, Chicky bikky wikky bee, Twicky witchy wee!" VI. So they both to London went, Alighting on the Monument; Whence they flew down swiftly--pop! Into Moses' wholesale shop: There they bought a hat and bonnet, And a gown with spots upon it, A satin sash of Cloxam blue, And a pair of slippers too. Zikky wikky mikky bee, Witchy witchy mitchy kee, Sikky tikky wee! VII. Then, when so completely dressed, Back they flew, and reached their nest. Their children cried, "O ma and pa! How truly beautiful you are!" Said they, "We trust that cold or pain We shall never feel again; While, perched on tree or house or steeple, We now shall look like other people. Witchy witchy witchy wee, Twikky mikky bikky bee, Zikky sikky tee!" [Illustration] THE BROOM, THE SHOVEL, THE POKER, AND THE TONGS. [Illustration] I. The Broom and the Shovel, the Poker and Tongs, They all took a drive in the Park; And they each sang a song, ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! Before they went back in the dark. Mr. Poker he sate quite upright in the coach; Mr. Tongs made a clatter and clash; Miss Shovel was dressed all in black (with a brooch); Mrs. Broom was in blue (with a sash). Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! And they all sang a song. II. "O Shovely so lovely!" the Poker he sang, "You have perfectly conquered my heart. Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! If you're pleased with my song, I will feed you with cold apple-tart. When you scrape up the coals with a delicate sound, You enrapture my life with delight, Your nose is so shiny, your head is so round, And your shape is so slender and bright! Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! Ain't you pleased with my song?" III. "Alas! Mrs. Broom," sighed the Tongs in his song, "Oh! is it because I'm so thin, And my legs are so long,--ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong!-- That you don't care about me a pin? Ah! fairest of creatures, when sweeping the room, Ah! why don't you heed my complaint? Must you needs be so cruel, you beautiful Broom, Because you are covered with paint? Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! You are certainly wrong." IV. Mrs. Broom and Miss Shovel together they sang, "What nonsense you're singing to-day!" Said the Shovel, "I'll certainly hit you a bang!" Said the Broom, "And I'll sweep you away!" So the coachman drove homeward as fast as he could, Perceiving their anger with pain; But they put on the kettle, and little by little They all became happy again. Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! There's an end of my song. THE TABLE AND THE CHAIR. [Illustration] I. Said the Table to the Chair, "You can hardly be aware How I suffer from the heat And from chilblains on my feet. If we took a little walk, We might have a little talk; Pray let us take the air," Said the Table to the Chair. II. Said the Chair unto the Table, "Now, you _know_ we are not able: How foolishly you talk, When you know we _cannot_ walk!" Said the Table with a sigh, "It can do no harm to try. I've as many legs as you: Why can't we walk on two?" III. So they both went slowly down, And walked about the town With a cheerful bumpy sound As they toddled round and round; And everybody cried, As they hastened to their side, "See! the Table and the Chair Have come out to take the air!" IV. But in going down an alley, To a castle in a valley, They completely lost their way, And wandered all the day; Till, to see them safely back, They paid a Ducky-quack, And a Beetle, and a Mouse, Who took them to their house. [Illustration] V. Then they whispered to each other, "O delightful little brother, What a lovely walk we've taken! Let us dine on beans and bacon." So the Ducky and the leetle Browny-Mousy and the Beetle Dined, and danced upon their heads Till they toddled to their beds. [Illustration] * * * * * NONSENSE STORIES. THE STORY OF THE FOUR LITTLE CHILDREN WHO WENT ROUND THE WORLD. Once upon a time, a long while ago, there were four little people whose names were [Illustration] VIOLET, SLINGSBY, GUY, and LIONEL; and they all thought they should like to see the world. So they bought a large boat to sail quite round the world by sea, and then they were to come back on the other side by land. The boat was painted blue with green spots, and the sail was yellow with red stripes: and, when they set off, they only took a small Cat to steer and look after the boat, besides an elderly Quangle-Wangle, who had to cook the dinner and make the tea; for which purposes they took a large kettle. [Illustration] For the first ten days they sailed on beautifully, and found plenty to eat, as there were lots of fish; and they had only to take them out of the sea with a long spoon, when the Quangle-Wangle instantly cooked them; and the Pussy-Cat was fed with the bones, with which she expressed herself pleased, on the whole: so that all the party were very happy. During the daytime, Violet chiefly occupied herself in putting salt water into a churn; while her three brothers churned it violently, in the hope that it would turn into butter, which it seldom if ever did; and in the evening they all retired into the tea-kettle, where they all managed to sleep very comfortably, while Pussy and the Quangle-Wangle managed the boat. [Illustration] After a time, they saw some land at a distance; and, when they came to it, they found it was an island made of water quite surrounded by earth. Besides that, it was bordered by evanescent isthmuses, with a great gulf-stream running about all over it; so that it was perfectly beautiful, and contained only a single tree, 503 feet high. When they had landed, they walked about, but found, to their great surprise, that the island was quite full of veal-cutlets and chocolate-drops, and nothing else. So they all climbed up the single high tree to discover, if possible, if there were any people; but having remained on the top of the tree for a week, and not seeing anybody, they naturally concluded that there were no inhabitants; and accordingly, when they came down, they loaded the boat with two thousand veal-cutlets and a million of chocolate-drops; and these afforded them sustenance for more than a month, during which time they pursued their voyage with the utmost delight and apathy. [Illustration] After this they came to a shore where there were no less than sixty-five great red parrots with blue tails, sitting on a rail all of a row, and all fast asleep. And I am sorry to say that the Pussy-Cat and the Quangle-Wangle crept softly, and bit off the tail-feathers of all the sixty-five parrots; for which Violet reproved them both severely. [Illustration] Notwithstanding which, she proceeded to insert all the feathers--two hundred and sixty in number--in her bonnet; thereby causing it to have a lovely and glittering appearance, highly prepossessing and efficacious. [Illustration] The next thing that happened to them was in a narrow part of the sea, which was so entirely full of fishes that the boat could go on no farther: so they remained there about six weeks, till they had eaten nearly all the fishes, which were soles, and all ready-cooked, and covered with shrimp-sauce, so that there was no trouble whatever. And as the few fishes who remained uneaten complained of the cold, as well as of the difficulty they had in getting any sleep on account of the extreme noise made by the arctic bears and the tropical turnspits, which frequented the neighborhood in great numbers, Violet most amiably knitted a small woollen frock for several of the fishes, and Slingsby administered some opium-drops to them; through which kindness they became quite warm, and slept soundly. [Illustration] Then they came to a country which was wholly covered with immense orange-trees of a vast size, and quite full of fruit. So they all landed, taking with them the tea-kettle, intending to gather some of the oranges, and place them in it. But, while they were busy about this, a most dreadfully high wind rose, and blew out most of the parrot-tail feathers from Violet's bonnet. That, however, was nothing compared with the calamity of the oranges falling down on their heads by millions and millions, which thumped and bumped and bumped and thumped them all so seriously, that they were obliged to run as hard as they could for their lives; besides that the sound of the oranges rattling on the tea-kettle was of the most fearful and amazing nature. [Illustration] Nevertheless, they got safely to the boat, although considerably vexed and hurt; and the Quangle-Wangle's right foot was so knocked about, that he had to sit with his head in his slipper for at least a week. [Illustration] This event made them all for a time rather melancholy: and perhaps they might never have become less so, had not Lionel, with a most praiseworthy devotion and perseverance, continued to stand on one leg, and whistle to them in a loud and lively manner; which diverted the whole party so extremely that they gradually recovered their spirits, and agreed that whenever they should reach home, they would subscribe towards a testimonial to Lionel, entirely made of gingerbread and raspberries, as an earnest token of their sincere and grateful infection. [Illustration] After sailing on calmly for several more days, they came to another country, where they were much pleased and surprised to see a countless multitude of white Mice with red eyes, all sitting in a great circle, slowly eating custard-pudding with the most satisfactory and polite demeanor. [Illustration] And as the four travellers were rather hungry, being tired of eating nothing but soles and oranges for so long a period, they held a council as to the propriety of asking the Mice for some of their pudding in a humble and affecting manner, by which they could hardly be otherwise than gratified. It was agreed, therefore, that Guy should go and ask the Mice, which he immediately did; and the result was, that they gave a walnut-shell only half full of custard diluted with water. Now, this displeased Guy, who said, "Out of such a lot of pudding as you have got, I must say, you might have spared a somewhat larger quantity." But no sooner had he finished speaking than the Mice turned round at once, and sneezed at him in an appalling and vindictive manner (and it is impossible to imagine a more scroobious and unpleasant sound than that caused by the simultaneous sneezing of many millions of angry Mice); so that Guy rushed back to the boat, having first shied his cap into the middle of the custard-pudding, by which means he completely spoiled the Mice's dinner. [Illustration] By and by the four children came to a country where there were no houses, but only an incredibly innumerable number of large bottles without corks, and of a dazzling and sweetly susceptible blue color. Each of these blue bottles contained a Blue-Bottle-Fly; and all these interesting animals live continually together in the most copious and rural harmony: nor perhaps in many parts of the world is such perfect and abject happiness to be found. Violet and Slingsby and Guy and Lionel were greatly struck with this singular and instructive settlement; and, having previously asked permission of the Blue-Bottle-Flies (which was most courteously granted), the boat was drawn up to the shore, and they proceeded to make tea in front of the bottles: but as they had no tea-leaves, they merely placed some pebbles in the hot water; and the Quangle-Wangle played some tunes over it on an accordion, by which, of course, tea was made directly, and of the very best quality. The four children then entered into conversation with the Blue-Bottle-Flies, who discoursed in a placid and genteel manner, though with a slightly buzzing accent, chiefly owing to the fact that they each held a small clothes-brush between their teeth, which naturally occasioned a fizzy, extraneous utterance. "Why," said Violet, "would you kindly inform us, do you reside in bottles; and, if in bottles at all, why not, rather, in green or purple, or, indeed, in yellow bottles?" To which questions a very aged Blue-Bottle-Fly answered, "We found the bottles here all ready to live in; that is to say, our great-great-great- great-great-grandfathers did: so we occupied them at once. And, when the winter comes on, we turn the bottles upside down, and consequently rarely feel the cold at all; and you know very well that this could not be the case with bottles of any other color than blue." "Of course it could not," said Slingsby. "But, if we may take the liberty of inquiring, on what do you chiefly subsist?" "Mainly on oyster-patties," said the Blue-Bottle-Fly; "and, when these are scarce, on raspberry vinegar and Russian leather boiled down to a jelly." "How delicious!" said Guy. To which Lionel added, "Huzz!" And all the Blue-Bottle-Flies said, "Buzz!" At this time, an elderly Fly said it was the hour for the evening-song to be sung; and, on a signal being given, all the Blue-Bottle-Flies began to buzz at once in a sumptuous and sonorous manner, the melodious and mucilaginous sounds echoing all over the waters, and resounding across the tumultuous tops of the transitory titmice upon the intervening and verdant mountains with a serene and sickly suavity only known to the truly virtuous. The Moon was shining slobaciously from the star-bespangled sky, while her light irrigated the smooth and shiny sides and wings and backs of the Blue-Bottle-Flies with a peculiar and trivial splendor, while all Nature cheerfully responded to the cerulean and conspicuous circumstances. In many long-after years, the four little travellers looked back to that evening as one of the happiest in all their lives; and it was already past midnight when--the sail of the boat having been set up by the Quangle-Wangle, the tea-kettle and churn placed in their respective positions, and the Pussy-Cat stationed at the helm--the children each took a last and affectionate farewell of the Blue-Bottle-Flies, who walked down in a body to the water's edge to see the travellers embark. [Illustration] As a token of parting respect and esteem, Violet made a courtesy quite down to the ground, and stuck one of her few remaining parrot-tail feathers into the back hair of the most pleasing of the Blue-Bottle-Flies; while Slingsby, Guy, and Lionel offered them three small boxes, containing, respectively, black pins, dried figs, and Epsom salts; and thus they left that happy shore forever. Overcome by their feelings, the four little travellers instantly jumped into the tea-kettle, and fell fast asleep. But all along the shore, for many hours, there was distinctly heard a sound of severely-suppressed sobs, and of a vague multitude of living creatures using their pocket-handkerchiefs in a subdued simultaneous snuffle, lingering sadly along the walloping waves as the boat sailed farther and farther away from the Land of the Happy Blue-Bottle-Flies. Nothing particular occurred for some days after these events, except that, as the travellers were passing a low tract of sand, they perceived an unusual and gratifying spectacle; namely, a large number of Crabs and Crawfish--perhaps six or seven hundred--sitting by the water-side, and endeavoring to disentangle a vast heap of pale pink worsted, which they moistened at intervals with a fluid composed of lavender-water and white-wine negus. "Can we be of any service to you, O crusty Crabbies?" said the four children. "Thank you kindly," said the Crabs consecutively. "We are trying to make some worsted mittens, but do not know how." On which Violet, who was perfectly acquainted with the art of mitten-making, said to the Crabs, "Do your claws unscrew, or are they fixtures?" "They are all made to unscrew," said the Crabs; and forthwith they deposited a great pile of claws close to the boat, with which Violet uncombed all the pale pink worsted, and then made the loveliest mittens with it you can imagine. These the Crabs, having resumed and screwed on their claws, placed cheerfully upon their wrists, and walked away rapidly on their hind-legs, warbling songs with a silvery voice and in a minor key. After this, the four little people sailed on again till they came to a vast and wide plain of astonishing dimensions, on which nothing whatever could be discovered at first; but, as the travellers walked onward, there appeared in the extreme and dim distance a single object, which on a nearer approach, and on an accurately cutaneous inspection, seemed to be somebody in a large white wig, sitting on an arm-chair made of sponge-cakes and oyster-shells. "It does not quite look like a human being," said Violet doubtfully; nor could they make out what it really was, till the Quangle-Wangle (who had previously been round the world) exclaimed softly in a loud voice, "It is the co-operative Cauliflower!" [Illustration] And so, in truth, it was: and they soon found that what they had taken for an immense wig was in reality the top of the Cauliflower; and that he had no feet at all, being able to walk tolerably well with a fluctuating and graceful movement on a single cabbage-stalk,--an accomplishment which naturally saved him the expense of stockings and shoes. Presently, while the whole party from the boat was gazing at him with mingled affection and disgust, he suddenly arose, and, in a somewhat plumdomphious manner, hurried off towards the setting sun,--his steps supported by two superincumbent confidential Cucumbers, and a large number of Waterwagtails proceeding in advance of him by three and three in a row,--till he finally disappeared on the brink of the western sky in a crystal cloud of sudorific sand. [Illustration] So remarkable a sight, of course, impressed the four children very deeply; and they returned immediately to their boat with a strong sense of undeveloped asthma and a great appetite. Shortly after this, the travellers were obliged to sail directly below some high overhanging rocks, from the top of one of which a particularly odious little boy, dressed in rose-colored knickerbockers, and with a pewter plate upon his head, threw an enormous pumpkin at the boat, by which it was instantly upset. [Illustration] But this upsetting was of no consequence, because all the party knew how to swim very well: and, in fact, they preferred swimming about till after the moon rose; when, the water growing chilly, they sponge-taneously entered the boat. Meanwhile the Quangle-Wangle threw back the pumpkin with immense force, so that it hit the rocks where the malicious little boy in rose-colored knickerbockers was sitting; when, being quite full of lucifer-matches, the pumpkin exploded surreptitiously into a thousand bits; whereon the rocks instantly took fire, and the odious little boy became unpleasantly hotter and hotter and hotter, till his knickerbockers were turned quite green, and his nose was burnt off. Two or three days after this had happened, they came to another place, where they found nothing at all except some wide and deep pits full of mulberry-jam. This is the property of the tiny, yellow-nosed Apes who abound in these districts, and who store up the mulberry-jam for their food in winter, when they mix it with pellucid pale periwinkle-soup, and serve it out in wedgewood china-bowls, which grow freely all over that part of the country. Only one of the yellow-nosed Apes was on the spot, and he was fast asleep; yet the four travellers and the Quangle-Wangle and Pussy were so terrified by the violence and sanguinary sound of his snoring, that they merely took a small cupful of the jam, and returned to re-embark in their boat without delay. What was their horror on seeing the boat (including the churn and the tea-kettle) in the mouth of an enormous Seeze Pyder, an aquatic and ferocious creature truly dreadful to behold, and, happily, only met with in those excessive longitudes! In a moment, the beautiful boat was bitten into fifty-five thousand million hundred billion bits; and it instantly became quite clear that Violet, Slingsby, Guy, and Lionel could no longer preliminate their voyage by sea. The four travellers were therefore obliged to resolve on pursuing their wanderings by land: and, very fortunately, there happened to pass by at that moment an elderly Rhinoceros, on which they seized; and, all four mounting on his back,--the Quangle-Wangle sitting on his horn, and holding on by his ears, and the Pussy-Cat swinging at the end of his tail,--they set off, having only four small beans and three pounds of mashed potatoes to last through their whole journey. [Illustration] They were, however, able to catch numbers of the chickens and turkeys and other birds who incessantly alighted on the head of the Rhinoceros for the purpose of gathering the seeds of the rhododendron-plants which grew there; and these creatures they cooked in the most translucent and satisfactory manner by means of a fire lighted on the end of the Rhinoceros's back. A crowd of Kangaroos and gigantic Cranes accompanied them, from feelings of curiosity and complacency; so that they were never at a loss for company, and went onward, as it were, in a sort of profuse and triumphant procession. Thus in less than eighteen weeks they all arrived safely at home, where they were received by their admiring relatives with joy tempered with contempt, and where they finally resolved to carry out the rest of their travelling-plans at some more favorable opportunity. As for the Rhinoceros, in token of their grateful adherence, they had him killed and stuffed directly, and then set him up outside the door of their father's house as a diaphanous doorscraper. [Illustration] THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES OF THE LAKE PIPPLE-POPPLE. CHAPTER I. INTRODUCTORY. In former days,--that is to say, once upon a time,--there lived in the Land of Gramble-Blamble seven families. They lived by the side of the great Lake Pipple-Popple (one of the seven families, indeed, lived _in_ the lake), and on the outskirts of the city of Tosh, which, excepting when it was quite dark, they could see plainly. The names of all these places you have probably heard of; and you have only not to look in your geography-books to find out all about them. Now, the seven families who lived on the borders of the great Lake Pipple-Popple were as follows in the next chapter. CHAPTER II. THE SEVEN FAMILIES. There was a family of two old Parrots and seven young Parrots. [Illustration] There was a family of two old Storks and seven young Storks. [Illustration] There was a family of two old Geese and seven young Geese. [Illustration] There was a family of two old Owls and seven young Owls. [Illustration] There was a family of two old Guinea Pigs and seven young Guinea Pigs. [Illustration] There was a family of two old Cats and seven young Cats. [Illustration] And there was a family of two old Fishes and seven young Fishes. [Illustration] CHAPTER III. THE HABITS OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES. The Parrots lived upon the Soffsky-Poffsky trees, which were beautiful to behold, and covered with blue leaves; and they fed upon fruit, artichokes, and striped beetles. The Storks walked in and out of the Lake Pipple-Popple, and ate frogs for breakfast, and buttered toast for tea; but on account of the extreme length of their legs they could not sit down, and so they walked about continually. The Geese, having webs to their feet, caught quantities of flies, which they ate for dinner. The Owls anxiously looked after mice, which they caught, and made into sago-puddings. The Guinea Pigs toddled about the gardens, and ate lettuces and Cheshire cheese. The Cats sate still in the sunshine, and fed upon sponge biscuits. The Fishes lived in the lake, and fed chiefly on boiled periwinkles. And all these seven families lived together in the utmost fun and felicity. CHAPTER IV. THE CHILDREN OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES ARE SENT AWAY. One day all the seven fathers and the seven mothers of the seven families agreed that they would send their children out to see the world. So they called them all together, and gave them each eight shillings and some good advice, some chocolate-drops, and a small green morocco pocket-book to set down their expenses in. They then particularly entreated them not to quarrel; and all the parents sent off their children with a parting injunction. "If," said the old Parrots, "you find a cherry, do not fight about who should have it." "And," said the old Storks, "if you find a frog, divide it carefully into seven bits, but on no account quarrel about it." And the old Geese said to the seven young Geese, "Whatever you do, be sure you do not touch a plum-pudding flea." And the old Owls said, "If you find a mouse, tear him up into seven slices, and eat him cheerfully, but without quarrelling." And the old Guinea Pigs said, "Have a care that you eat your lettuces, should you find any, not greedily, but calmly." And the old Cats said, "Be particularly careful not to meddle with a clangle-wangle if you should see one." And the old Fishes said, "Above all things, avoid eating a blue boss-woss; for they do not agree with fishes, and give them a pain in their toes." So all the children of each family thanked their parents; and, making in all forty-nine polite bows, they went into the wide world. CHAPTER V. THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG PARROTS. The seven young Parrots had not gone far, when they saw a tree with a single cherry on it, which the oldest Parrot picked instantly; but the other six, being extremely hungry, tried to get it also. On which all the seven began to fight; and they scuffled, and huffled, and ruffled, and shuffled, and puffled, and muffled, and buffled, and duffled, and fluffled, and guffled, and bruffled, and screamed, and shrieked, and squealed, and squeaked, and clawed, and snapped, and bit, and bumped, and thumped, and dumped, and flumped each other, till they were all torn into little bits; and at last there was nothing left to record this painful incident except the cherry and seven small green feathers. And that was the vicious and voluble end of the seven young Parrots. [Illustration] CHAPTER VI. THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG STORKS. When the seven young Storks set out, they walked or flew for fourteen weeks in a straight line, and for six weeks more in a crooked one; and after that they ran as hard as they could for one hundred and eight miles; and after that they stood still, and made a himmeltanious chatter-clatter-blattery noise with their bills. About the same time they perceived a large frog, spotted with green, and with a sky-blue stripe under each ear. So, being hungry, they immediately flew at him, and were going to divide him into seven pieces, when they began to quarrel as to which of his legs should be taken off first. One said this, and another said that; and while they were all quarrelling, the frog hopped away. And when they saw that he was gone, they began to chatter-clatter, blatter-platter, patter-blatter, matter-clatter, flatter-quatter, more violently than ever; and after they had fought for a week, they pecked each other all to little pieces, so that at last nothing was left of any of them except their bills. And that was the end of the seven young Storks. [Illustration] CHAPTER VII. THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GEESE. When the seven young Geese began to travel, they went over a large plain, on which there was but one tree, and that was, a very bad one. So four of them went up to the top of it, and looked about them; while the other three waddled up and down, and repeated poetry, and their last six lessons in arithmetic, geography, and cookery. Presently they perceived, a long way off, an object of the most interesting and obese appearance, having a perfectly round body exactly resembling a boiled plum-pudding, with two little wings, and a beak, and three feathers growing out of his head, and only one leg. So, after a time, all the seven young Geese said to each other, "Beyond all doubt this beast must be a Plum-pudding Flea!" On which they incautiously began to sing aloud, "Plum-pudding Flea, Plum-pudding Flea, Wherever you be, Oh! come to our tree, And listen, oh! listen, oh! listen to me!" And no sooner had they sung this verse than the Plum-pudding Flea began to hop and skip on his one leg with the most dreadful velocity, and came straight to the tree, where he stopped, and looked about him in a vacant and voluminous manner. On which the seven young Geese were greatly alarmed, and all of a tremble-bemble: so one of them put out his long neck, and just touched him with the tip of his bill; but no sooner had he done this than the Plum-pudding Flea skipped and hopped about more and more, and higher and higher; after which he opened his mouth, and, to the great surprise and indignation of the seven Geese, began to bark so loudly and furiously and terribly, that they were totally unable to bear the noise; and by degrees every one of them suddenly tumbled down quite dead. So that was the end of the seven young Geese. [Illustration] CHAPTER VIII. THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG OWLS. When the seven young Owls set out, they sate every now and then on the branches of old trees, and never went far at one time. And one night, when it was quite dark, they thought they heard a mouse; but, as the gas-lamps were not lighted, they could not see him. So they called out, "Is that a mouse?" On which a mouse answered, "Squeaky-peeky-weeky! yes, it is!" And immediately all the young Owls threw themselves off the tree, meaning to alight on the ground; but they did not perceive that there was a large well below them, into which they all fell superficially, and were every one of them drowned in less than half a minute. So that was the end of the seven young Owls. [Illustration] CHAPTER IX. THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GUINEA PIGS. The seven young Guinea Pigs went into a garden full of goose-berry-bushes and tiggory-trees, under one of which they fell asleep. When they awoke, they saw a large lettuce, which had grown out of the ground while they had been sleeping, and which had an immense number of green leaves. At which they all exclaimed,-- "Lettuce! O lettuce Let us, O let us, O lettuce-leaves, O let us leave this tree, and eat Lettuce, O let us, lettuce-leaves!" And instantly the seven young Guinea Pigs rushed with such extreme force against the lettuce-plant, and hit their heads so vividly against its stalk, that the concussion brought on directly an incipient transitional inflammation of their noses, which grew worse and worse and worse and worse, till it incidentally killed them all seven. And that was the end of the seven young Guinea Pigs. [Illustration] CHAPTER X. THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG CATS. The seven young Cats set off on their travels with great delight and rapacity. But, on coming to the top of a high hill, they perceived at a long distance off a Clangle-Wangle (or, as it is more properly written, Clangel-Wangel); and, in spite of the warning they had had, they ran straight up to it. (Now, the Clangle-Wangle is a most dangerous and delusive beast, and by no means commonly to be met with. They live in the water as well as on land, using their long tail as a sail when in the former element. Their speed is extreme; but their habits of life are domestic and superfluous, and their general demeanor pensive and pellucid. On summer evenings, they may sometimes be observed near the Lake Pipple-Popple, standing on their heads, and humming their national melodies. They subsist entirely on vegetables, excepting when they eat veal or mutton or pork or beef or fish or saltpetre.) The moment the Clangle-Wangle saw the seven young Cats approach, he ran away; and as he ran straight on for four months, and the Cats, though they continued to run, could never overtake him, they all gradually _died_ of fatigue and exhaustion, and never afterwards recovered. And this was the end of the seven young Cats. [Illustration] CHAPTER XI. THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG FISHES. The seven young Fishes swam across the Lake Pipple-Popple, and into the river, and into the ocean; where, most unhappily for them, they saw, on the fifteenth day of their travels, a bright-blue Boss-Woss, and instantly swam after him. But the Blue Boss-Woss plunged into a perpendicular, spicular, orbicular, quadrangular, circular depth of soft mud; where, in fact, his house was. And the seven young Fishes, swimming with great and uncomfortable velocity, plunged also into the mud quite against their will, and, not being accustomed to it, were all suffocated in a very short period. And that was the end of the seven young Fishes. [Illustration] CHAPTER XII. OF WHAT OCCURRED SUBSEQUENTLY. After it was known that the seven young Parrots, and the seven young Storks, and the seven young Geese, and the seven young Owls, and the seven young Guinea Pigs, and the seven young Cats, and the seven young Fishes, were all dead, then the Frog, and the Plum-pudding Flea, and the Mouse, and the Clangle-Wangle, and the Blue Boss-Woss, all met together to rejoice over their good fortune. And they collected the seven feathers of the seven young Parrots, and the seven bills of the seven young Storks, and the lettuce, and the cherry; and having placed the latter on the lettuce, and the other objects in a circular arrangement at their base, they danced a hornpipe round all these memorials until they were quite tired; after which they gave a tea-party, and a garden-party, and a ball, and a concert, and then returned to their respective homes full of joy and respect, sympathy, satisfaction, and disgust. [Illustration] CHAPTER XIII. OF WHAT BECAME OF THE PARENTS OF THE FORTY-NINE CHILDREN. BUT when the two old Parrots, and the two old Storks, and the two old Geese, and the two old Owls, and the two old Guinea Pigs, and the two old Cats, and the two old Fishes, became aware, by reading in the newspapers, of the calamitous extinction of the whole of their families, they refused all further sustenance; and, sending out to various shops, they purchased great quantities of Cayenne pepper and brandy and vinegar and blue sealing-wax, besides seven immense glass bottles with air-tight stoppers. And, having done this, they ate a light supper of brown-bread and Jerusalem artichokes, and took an affecting and formal leave of the whole of their acquaintance, which was very numerous and distinguished and select and responsible and ridiculous. CHAPTER XIV. CONCLUSION. And after this they filled the bottles with the ingredients for pickling, and each couple jumped into a separate bottle; by which effort, of course, they all died immediately, and became thoroughly pickled in a few minutes; having previously made their wills (by the assistance of the most eminent lawyers of the district), in which they left strict orders that the stoppers of the seven bottles should be carefully sealed up with the blue sealing-wax they had purchased; and that they themselves, in the bottles, should be presented to the principal museum of the city of Tosh, to be labelled with parchment or any other anti-congenial succedaneum, and to be placed on a marble table with silver-gilt legs, for the daily inspection and contemplation, and for the perpetual benefit, of the pusillanimous public. And if you ever happen to go to Gramble-Blamble, and visit that museum in the city of Tosh, look for them on the ninety-eighth table in the four hundred and twenty-seventh room of the right-hand corridor of the left wing of the central quadrangle of that magnificent building; for, if you do not, you certainly will not see them. [Illustration] * * * * * NONSENSE COOKERY. Extract from "The Nonsense Gazette," for August, 1870. "Our readers will be interested in the following communications from our valued and learned contributor, Prof. Bosh, whose labors in the fields of culinary and botanical science are so well known to all the world. The first three articles richly merit to be added to the domestic cookery of every family: those which follow claim the attention of all botanists; and we are happy to be able, through Dr. Bosh's kindness, to present our readers with illustrations of his discoveries. All the new flowers are found in the Valley of Verrikwier, near the Lake of Oddgrow, and on the summit of the Hill Orfeltugg." THREE RECEIPTS FOR DOMESTIC COOKERY. TO MAKE AN AMBLONGUS PIE. Take 4 pounds (say 4-1/2 pounds) of fresh Amblongusses, and put them in a small pipkin. Cover them with water, and boil them for 8 hours incessantly; after which add 2 pints of new milk, and proceed to boil for 4 hours more. When you have ascertained that the Amblongusses are quite soft, take them out, and place them in a wide pan, taking care to shake them well previously. Grate some nutmeg over the surface, and cover them carefully with powdered gingerbread, curry-powder, and a sufficient quantity of Cayenne pepper. Remove the pan into the next room, and place it on the floor. Bring it back again, and let it simmer for three-quarters of an hour. Shake the pan violently till all the Amblongusses have become of a pale purple color. Then, having prepared the paste, insert the whole carefully; adding at the same time a small pigeon, 2 slices of beef, 4 cauliflowers, and any number of oysters. Watch patiently till the crust begins to rise, and add a pinch of salt from time to time. Serve up in a clean dish, and throw the whole out of window as fast as possible. TO MAKE CRUMBOBBLIOUS CUTLETS. Procure some strips of beef, and, having cut them into the smallest possible slices, proceed to cut them still smaller,--eight, or perhaps nine times. When the whole is thus minced, brush it up hastily with a new clothes-brush, and stir round rapidly and capriciously with a salt-spoon or a soup-ladle. Place the whole in a saucepan, and remove it to a sunny place,--say the roof of the house, if free from sparrows or other birds,--and leave it there for about a week. At the end of that time add a little lavender, some oil of almonds, and a few herring-bones; and then cover the whole with 4 gallons of clarified Crumbobblious sauce, when it will be ready for use. Cut it into the shape of ordinary cutlets, and serve up in a clean table-cloth or dinner-napkin. TO MAKE GOSKY PATTIES. Take a pig three or four years of age, and tie him by the off hind-leg to a post. Place 5 pounds of currants, 3 of sugar, 2 pecks of peas, 18 roast chestnuts, a candle, and 6 bushels of turnips, within his reach: if he eats these, constantly provide him with more. Then procure some cream, some slices of Cheshire cheese, 4 quires of foolscap paper, and a packet of black pins. Work the whole into a paste, and spread it out to dry on a sheet of clean brown waterproof linen. When the paste is perfectly dry, but not before, proceed to beat the pig violently with the handle of a large broom. If he squeals, beat him again. Visit the paste and beat the pig alternately for some days, and ascertain if, at the end of that period, the whole is about to turn into Gosky Patties. If it does not then, it never will; and in that case the pig may be let loose, and the whole process may be considered as finished. * * * * * NONSENSE BOTANY. [Illustration: Baccopipia Gracilis.] [Illustration: Bottlephorkia Spoonifolia.] [Illustration: Cockatooca Superba.] [Illustration: Fishia Marina.] [Illustration: Guittara Pensilis.] [Illustration: Manypeeplia Upsidownia.] [Illustration: Phattfacia Stupenda.] [Illustration: Piggiwiggia Pyramidalis.] [Illustration: Plumbunnia Nutritiosa.] [Illustration: Pollybirdia Singularis.] * * * * * NONSENSE ALPHABETS. A [Illustration] A was an ant Who seldom stood still, And who made a nice house In the side of a hill. a! Nice little ant! B [Illustration] B was a book With a binding of blue, And pictures and stories For me and for you. b! Nice little book! C [Illustration] C was a cat Who ran after a rat; But his courage did fail When she seized on his tail. c! Crafty old cat! D [Illustration] D was a duck With spots on his back, Who lived in the water, And always said "Quack!" d! Dear little duck! E [Illustration] E was an elephant, Stately and wise: He had tusks and a trunk, And two queer little eyes. e! Oh, what funny small eyes! F [Illustration] F was a fish Who was caught in a net; But he got out again, And is quite alive yet. f! Lively young fish! G [Illustration] G was a goat Who was spotted with brown: When he did not lie still He walked up and down. g! Good little goat! H [Illustration] H was a hat Which was all on one side; Its crown was too high, And its brim was too wide. h! Oh, what a hat! I [Illustration] I was some ice So white and so nice, But which nobody tasted; And so it was wasted. i! All that good ice! J [Illustration] J was a jackdaw Who hopped up and down In the principal street Of a neighboring town. j! All through the town! K [Illustration] K was a kite Which flew out of sight, Above houses so high, Quite into the sky. k Fly away, kite! L [Illustration] L was a light Which burned all the night, And lighted the gloom Of a very dark room. l! Useful nice light! M [Illustration] M was a mill Which stood on a hill, And turned round and round With a loud hummy sound. m! Useful old mill! N [Illustration] N was a net Which was thrown in the sea To catch fish for dinner For you and for me. n! Nice little net! O [Illustration] O was an orange So yellow and round: When it fell off the tree, It fell down to the ground. o! Down to the ground! P [Illustration] P was a pig, Who was not very big; But his tail was too curly, And that made him surly. p! Cross little pig! Q [Illustration] Q was a quail With a very short tail; And he fed upon corn In the evening and morn. q! Quaint little quail! R [Illustration] R was a rabbit, Who had a bad habit Of eating the flowers In gardens and bowers. r! Naughty fat rabbit! S [Illustration] S was the sugar-tongs, Nippity-nee, To take up the sugar To put in our tea. s! Nippity-nee! T [Illustration] T was a tortoise, All yellow and black: He walked slowly away, And he never came back. t! Torty never came back! U [Illustration] U was an urn All polished and bright, And full of hot water At noon and at night. u! Useful old urn! V [Illustration] V was a villa Which stood on a hill, By the side of a river, And close to a mill. v! Nice little villa! W [Illustration] W was a whale With a very long tail, Whose movements were frantic Across the Atlantic. w! Monstrous old whale! X [Illustration] X was King Xerxes, Who, more than all Turks, is Renowned for his fashion Of fury and passion. x! Angry old Xerxes! Y [Illustration] Y was a yew, Which flourished and grew By a quiet abode Near the side of a road. y! Dark little yew! Z [Illustration] Z was some zinc, So shiny and bright, Which caused you to wink In the sun's merry light. z! Beautiful zinc! A [Illustration] a A was once an apple-pie, Pidy, Widy, Tidy, Pidy, Nice insidy, Apple-pie! B [Illustration] b B was once a little bear, Beary, Wary, Hairy, Beary, Taky cary, Little bear! C [Illustration] c C was once a little cake, Caky, Baky, Maky, Caky, Taky caky, Little cake! D [Illustration] d D was once a little doll, Dolly, Molly, Polly, Nolly, Nursy dolly, Little doll! E [Illustration] e E was once a little eel, Eely, Weely, Peely, Eely, Twirly, tweely, Little eel! F [Illustration] f F was once a little fish, Fishy, Wishy, Squishy, Fishy, In a dishy, Little fish! G [Illustration] g G was once a little goose, Goosy, Moosy, Boosey, Goosey, Waddly-woosy, Little goose! H [Illustration] h H was once a little hen, Henny, Chenny, Tenny, Henny. Eggsy-any, Little hen? I [Illustration] i I was once a bottle of ink Inky, Dinky, Thinky, Inky, Blacky minky, Bottle of ink! J [Illustration] j J was once a jar of jam, Jammy, Mammy, Clammy, Jammy, Sweety, swammy, Jar of jam! K [Illustration] k K was once a little kite, Kity, Whity, Flighty, Kity, Out of sighty, Little kite! L [Illustration] l L was once a little lark, Larky, Marky, Harky, Larky, In the parky, Little lark! M [Illustration] m M was once a little mouse, Mousy, Bousy, Sousy, Mousy, In the housy, Little mouse! N [Illustration] n N was once a little needle, Needly, Tweedly, Threedly, Needly, Wisky, wheedly, Little needle! O [Illustration] o O was once a little owl, Owly, Prowly, Howly, Owly, Browny fowly, Little owl! P [Illustration] p P was once a little pump, Pumpy, Slumpy, Flumpy, Pumpy, Dumpy, thumpy, Little pump! Q [Illustration] q Q was once a little quail, Quaily, Faily, Daily, Quaily, Stumpy-taily, Little quail! R [Illustration] r R was once a little rose, Rosy, Posy, Nosy, Rosy, Blows-y, grows-y, Little rose! S [Illustration] s S was once a little shrimp, Shrimpy, Nimpy, Flimpy, Shrimpy. Jumpy, jimpy, Little shrimp! T [Illustration] t T was once a little thrush, Thrushy, Hushy, Bushy, Thrushy, Flitty, flushy, Little thrush! U [Illustration] u U was once a little urn, Urny, Burny, Turny, Urny, Bubbly, burny, Little urn! V [Illustration] v V was once a little vine, Viny, Winy, Twiny, Viny, Twisty-twiny, Little vine! W [Illustration] w W was once a whale, Whaly, Scaly, Shaly, Whaly, Tumbly-taily, Mighty whale! X [Illustration] x X was once a great king Xerxes, Xerxy, Perxy, Turxy, Xerxy, Linxy, lurxy, Great King Xerxes! Y [Illustration] y Y was once a little yew, Yewdy, Fewdy, Crudy, Yewdy, Growdy, grewdy, Little yew! Z [Illustration] z Z was once a piece of zinc, Tinky, Winky, Blinky, Tinky, Tinkly minky, Piece of zinc! A [Illustration] A was an ape, Who stole some white tape, And tied up his toes In four beautiful bows. a! Funny old ape! B [Illustration] B was a bat, Who slept all the day, And fluttered about When the sun went away. b! Brown little bat! C [Illustration] C was a camel: You rode on his hump; And if you fell off, You came down such a bump! c! What a high camel! D [Illustration] D was a dove, Who lived in a wood, With such pretty soft wings, And so gentle and good! d! Dear little dove! E [Illustration] E was an eagle, Who sat on the rocks, And looked down on the fields And the-far-away flocks. e! Beautiful eagle! F [Illustration] F was a fan Made of beautiful stuff; And when it was used, It went puffy-puff-puff! f! Nice little fan! G [Illustration] G was a gooseberry, Perfectly red; To be made into jam, And eaten with bread. g! Gooseberry red! H [Illustration] H was a heron, Who stood in a stream: The length of his neck And his legs was extreme. h! Long-legged heron! I [Illustration] I was an inkstand, Which stood on a table, With a nice pen to write with When we are able. i! Neat little inkstand! J [Illustration] J was a jug, So pretty and white, With fresh water in it At morning and night. j! Nice little jug! K [Illustration] K was a kingfisher: Quickly he flew, So bright and so pretty!-- Green, purple, and blue. k! Kingfisher blue! L [Illustration] L was a lily, So white and so sweet! To see it and smell it Was quite a nice treat. l! Beautiful lily! M [Illustration] M was a man, Who walked round and round; And he wore a long coat That came down to the ground. m! Funny old man! N [Illustration] N was a nut So smooth and so brown! And when it was ripe, It fell tumble-dum-down. n! Nice little nut! O [Illustration] O was an oyster, Who lived in his shell: If you let him alone, He felt perfectly well. o! Open-mouthed oyster! P [Illustration] P was a polly, All red, blue, and green,-- The most beautiful polly That ever was seen. p! Poor little polly! Q [Illustration] Q was a quill Made into a pen; But I do not know where, And I cannot say when. q! Nice little quill! R [Illustration] R was a rattlesnake, Rolled up so tight, Those who saw him ran quickly, For fear he should bite. r! Rattlesnake bite! S [Illustration] S was a screw To screw down a box; And then it was fastened Without any locks. s! Valuable screw! T [Illustration] T was a thimble, Of silver so bright! When placed on the finger, It fitted so tight! t! Nice little thimble! U [Illustration] U was an upper-coat, Woolly and warm, To wear over all In the snow or the storm. u! What a nice upper-coat! V [Illustration] V was a veil With a border upon it, And a ribbon to tie it All round a pink bonnet. v! Pretty green veil! W [Illustration] W was a watch, Where, in letters of gold, The hour of the day You might always behold. w! Beautiful watch! X [Illustration] X was King Xerxes, Who wore on his head A mighty large turban, Green, yellow, and red. x! Look at King Xerxes! Y [Illustration] Y was a yak, From the land of Thibet: Except his white tail, He was all black as jet. y! Look at the yak! Z [Illustration] Z was a zebra, All striped white and black; And if he were tame, You might ride on his back. z! Pretty striped zebra! 
34906	----	produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive.) THE JUMBLIES _AND OTHER NONSENSE VERSES_ _BY EDWARD LEAR_ _WITH DRAWINGS BY LESLIE BROOKE_ THE JUMBLIES AND OTHER NONSENSE VERSES BY EDWARD LEAR AUTHOR OF 'THE BOOK OF NONSENSE' WITH DRAWINGS BY L. LESLIE BROOKE FREDERICK WARNE AND CO LTD. LONDON NEW YORK INTRODUCTORY. Encouraged by the cordial reception extended by Press and Public to their issue of the "Pelican Chorus and Other Nonsense Verses by Edward Lear," newly illustrated, the Publishers have requested the Artist, Mr. L. Leslie Brooke, to do a similar service for a further selection from Lear's Nonsense Songs, thus practically completing them. In addition to "The Jumblies," which has been adopted as the titular piece, this volume includes such prime favourites as "The Owl and the Pussy Cat," "The Duck and the Kangaroo," and "The Dong with a Luminous Nose." For the benefit of those whose memories of the Nonsense Songs are not as fresh as they should be, it may be repeated that Mr. Lear did not illustrate them as fully as was his custom; some, indeed, had no drawings at all, and others merely a headpiece. The Publishers feel, therefore, that in re-issuing the songs adequately illustrated, they are but bringing them into line with Mr. Lear's other works. Oliver Wendell Holmes has said in a well-known poem, that-- "There is nothing that keeps its youth-- So far as I know--but a tree and truth." He might have added certain writings; and among those that are as fresh to-day as when they were written are the Nonsense Books of Edward Lear. Several generations of children--old as well as young--have already "drunk delight" from them, and it is tolerably safe to prophesy that many editions will yet be demanded. But whatever new form the changing public taste may cause them to take, they will remain as fresh to the end as they are to-day. It was one of these books that John Ruskin declared to be "the most beneficent and innocent of all books yet produced." And of the author he said: "I really don't know any author to whom I am half so grateful for my idle self as Edward Lear." This is very high praise from such a source; and in the hope that similar pleasure may be given to many new readers this new edition of the Nonsense Songs is issued. CONTENTS. THE JUMBLIES. THE OWL AND THE PUSSY-CAT. THE BROOM, THE SHOVEL, THE POKER AND THE TONGS. THE DUCK AND THE KANGAROO. THE CUMMERBUND. THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE. THE NEW VESTMENTS. CALICO PIE. THE COURTSHIP OF THE YONGHY-BONGHY-BÒ. INCIDENTS IN THE LIFE OF MY UNCLE ARLY. THE JUMBLIES. I. They went to sea in a Sieve, they did, In a Sieve they went to sea: In spite of all their friends could say, On a winter's morn, on a stormy day, In a Sieve they went to sea! And when the Sieve turned round and round, And every one cried, "You'll all be drowned!" They cried aloud, "Our Sieve ain't big, But we don't care a button, we don't care a fig! In a Sieve we'll go to sea!" Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live; Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a Sieve. II. They sailed away in a Sieve, they did, In a Sieve they sailed so fast, With only a beautiful pea-green veil Tied with a riband, by way of a sail, To a small tobacco-pipe mast; And every one said, who saw them go, "O won't they be soon upset, you know! For the sky is dark, and the voyage is long, And happen what may, it's extremely wrong In a Sieve to sail so fast!" Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live; Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a Sieve. III. The water it soon came in, it did, The water it soon came in; So to keep them dry, they wrapped their feet In a pinky paper all folded neat, And they fastened it down with a pin. And they passed the night in a crockery-jar, And each of them said, "How wise we are! Though the sky be dark, and the voyage be long, Yet we never can think we were rash or wrong, While round in our Sieve we spin!" Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live; Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a Sieve. IV. And all night long they sailed away; And when the sun went down, They whistled and warbled a moony song To the echoing sound of a coppery gong, In the shade of the mountains brown. "O Timballo! How happy we are, When we live in a Sieve and a crockery-jar, And all night long in the moonlight pale, We sail away with a pea-green sail, In the shade of the mountains brown!" Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live; Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a Sieve. V. They sailed to the Western sea, they did, To a land all covered with trees, And they bought an Owl, and a useful Cart, And a pound of Rice, and a Cranberry Tart, And a hive of silvery Bees. And they bought a Pig, and some green Jack-daws, And a lovely Monkey with lollipop paws, And forty bottles of Ring-Bo-Ree, And no end of Stilton Cheese. Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live; Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a Sieve. VI. And in twenty years they all came back, In twenty years or more, And every one said, "How tall they've grown! For they've been to the Lakes, and the Torrible Zone, And the hills of the Chankly Bore;" And they drank their health, and gave them a feast Of dumplings made of beautiful yeast; And every one said, "If we only live, We too will go to sea in a Sieve-- To the hills of the Chankly Bore!" Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live; Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a Sieve. THE OWL AND THE PUSSY-CAT. I. The Owl and the Pussy-Cat went to sea In a beautiful pea-green boat, They took some honey, and plenty of money, Wrapped up in a five-pound note. The Owl looked up to the stars above, And sang to a small guitar, "O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love, What a beautiful Pussy you are, You are, You are! What a beautiful Pussy you are!" II. Pussy said to the Owl, "You elegant fowl! How charmingly sweet you sing! O let us be married! too long we have tarried: But what shall we do for a ring?" They sailed away for a year and a day, To the land where the Bong-tree grows, And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood, With a ring at the end of his nose. His nose, His nose, With a ring at the end of his nose. III. "Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling Your ring?" Said the Piggy, "I will." So they took it away, and were married next day By the Turkey who lives on the hill. They dinèd on mince, and slices of quince, Which they ate with a runcible spoon; And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, They danced by the light of the moon, The moon, The moon, They danced by the light of the moon. THE BROOM, THE SHOVEL, THE POKER AND THE TONGS. I. The Broom and the Shovel, the Poker and Tongs, They all took a drive in the Park, And they each sang a song, Ding-a-dong! Ding-a-dong! Before they went back in the dark. Mr. Poker he sat quite upright in the coach, Mr. Tongs made a clatter and clash, Miss Shovel was dressed all in black (with a brooch), Mrs. Broom was in blue (with a sash). Ding-a-dong! Ding-a-dong! And they all sang a song! II. "O Shovely so lovely!" the Poker he sang, "You have perfectly conquered my heart! "Ding-a-dong! Ding-a-dong! If you're pleased with my song "I will feed you with cold apple tart! "When you scrape up the coals with a delicate sound, "You enrapture my life with delight! "Your nose is so shiny! your head is so round! "And your shape is so slender and bright! "Ding-a-dong! Ding-a-dong! "Ain't you pleased with my song?" III. "Alas! Mrs. Broom!" sighed the Tongs in his song, "O is it because I'm so thin, "And my legs are so long--Ding-a-dong! Ding-a-dong! "That you don't care about me a pin? "Ah! fairest of creatures, when sweeping the room, "Ah! why don't you heed my complaint? "Must you needs be so cruel, you beautiful Broom, "Because you are covered with paint? "Ding-a-dong! Ding-a-dong! "You are certainly wrong!" IV. Mrs. Broom and Miss Shovel together they sang, "What nonsense you're singing to-day!" Said the Shovel, "I'll certainly hit you a bang!" Said the Broom, "And I'll sweep you away!" So the Coachman drove homeward as fast as he could, Perceiving their anger with pain; But they put on the kettle, and little by little They all became happy again. Ding-a-dong! Ding-a-dong! There's an end of my song! THE DUCK AND THE KANGAROO. I. Said the Duck to the Kangaroo, "Good gracious! how you hop! Over the fields and the water too, As if you never would stop! My life is a bore in this nasty pond, And I long to go out in the world beyond! I wish I could hop like you!" Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. II. "Please give me a ride on your back!" Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. "I would sit quite still, and say nothing but 'Quack,' The whole of the long day through! And we'd go to the Dee, and the Jelly Bo Lee, Over the land, and over the sea;-- Please take me a ride! O do!" Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. III. Said the Kangaroo to the Duck, "This requires some little reflection; Perhaps on the whole it might bring me luck, And there seems but one objection, Which is, if you'll let me speak so bold, Your feet are unpleasantly wet and cold, And would probably give me the roo- Matiz!" said the Kangaroo. IV. Said the Duck, "As I sat on the rocks, I have thought over that completely, And I bought four pairs of worsted socks Which fit my web-feet neatly. And to keep out the cold I've bought a cloak, And every day a cigar I'll smoke, All to follow my own dear true Love of a Kangaroo!" V. Said the Kangaroo, "I'm ready! All in the moonlight pale; But to balance me well, dear Duck, sit steady! And quite at the end of my tail!" So away they went with a hop and a bound, And they hopped the whole world three times round; And who so happy,--O who, As the Duck and the Kangaroo? THE CUMMERBUND. AN INDIAN POEM. I. She Sat Upon her Dobie,[1] To watch the Evening Star, And all the Punkahs[2] as they passed Cried, "My! how fair you are!" Around her bower, with quivering leaves, The tall Kamsamahs[3] grew, And Kitmutgars[4] in wild festoons Hung down from Tchokis[5] blue. II. Below her home the river rolled With soft meloobious sound, Where golden-finned Chuprassies[6] swam, In myriads circling round. Above, on tallest trees remote, Green Ayahs perched alone, And all night long the Mussak[7] moaned Its melancholy tone. III. And where the purple Nullahs[8] threw Their branches far and wide, And silvery Goreewallahs[9] flew In silence, side by side, The little Bheesties'[10] twittering cry Rose on the fragrant air, And oft the angry Jampan[11] howled Deep in his hateful lair. IV. She sat upon her Dobie,-- She heard the Nimmak[12] hum,-- When all at once a cry arose: "The Cummerbund[13] is come!" In vain she fled;--with open jaws The angry monster followed, And so (before assistance came), That Lady Fair was swallowed. V. They sought in vain for even a bone Respectfully to bury; They said, "Hers was a dreadful fate!" (And Echo answered, "Very.") They nailed her Dobie to the wall, Where last her form was seen, And underneath they wrote these words, In yellow, blue, and green:-- "Beware, ye Fair! Ye Fair, beware! Nor sit out late at night, Lest horrid Cummerbunds should come, And swallow you outright." NOTE.--First published in the _Times of India_, Bombay, July, 1874. THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE. When awful darkness and silence reign Over the great Gromboolian plain, Through the long, long wintry nights;-- When the angry breakers roar, As they beat on the rocky shore;-- When Storm-clouds brood on the towering heights Of the Hills on the Chankly Bore:-- Then, through the vast and gloomy dark, There moves what seems a fiery spark, A lonely spark with silvery rays Piercing the coal-black night,-- A meteor strange and bright:-- Hither and thither the vision strays, A single lurid light. Slowly it wanders,--pauses,--creeps,-- Anon it sparkles,--flashes and leaps; And ever as onward it gleaming goes A light on the Bong-tree stems it throws. And those who watch at that midnight hour From Hall or Terrace, or lofty Tower, Cry, as the wild light passes along,-- "The Dong!--the Dong! "The wandering Dong through the forest goes! "The Dong! the Dong! "The Dong with a luminous Nose!" Long years ago The Dong was happy and gay, Till he fell in love with a Jumbly Girl Who came to those shores one day. For the Jumblies came in a Sieve, they did,-- Landing at eve near the Zemmery Fidd Where the Oblong Oysters grow, And the rocks are smooth and gray. And all the woods and the valleys rang With the Chorus they daily and nightly sang,-- "_Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live; Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a Sieve._" Happily, happily passed those days! While the cheerful Jumblies staid; They danced in circlets all night long, To the plaintive pipe of the lively Dong, In moonlight, shine, or shade, For day and night he was always there By the side of the Jumbly Girl so fair, With her sky-blue hands, and her sea-green hair. Till the morning came of that hateful day When the Jumblies sailed in their Sieve away, And the Dong was left on the cruel shore Gazing--gazing for evermore,-- Ever keeping his weary eyes on That pea-green sail on the far horizon,-- Singing the Jumbly Chorus still As he sat all day on the grassy hill,-- "_Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live; Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a Sieve._" But when the sun was low in the West, The Dong arose and said,-- "What little sense I once possessed Has quite gone out of my head!" And since that day he wanders still By lake and forest, marsh and hill, Singing--"O somewhere, in valley or plain "Might I find my Jumbly Girl again! "For ever I'll seek by lake and shore "Till I find my Jumbly Girl once more!" Playing a pipe with silvery squeaks, Since then his Jumbly Girl he seeks, And because by night he could not see, He gathered the bark of the Twangum Tree On the flowery plain that grows. And he wove him a wondrous Nose,-- A Nose as strange as a Nose could be! Of vast proportions and painted red, And tied with cords to the back of his head. --In a hollow rounded space it ended With a luminous lamp within suspended, All fenced about With a bandage stout To prevent the wind from blowing it out;-- And with holes all round to send the light, In gleaming rays on the dismal night. And now each night, and all night long, Over those plains still roams the Dong! And above the wail of the Chimp and Snipe You may hear the squeak of his plaintive pipe, While ever he seeks, but seeks in vain, To meet with his Jumbly Girl again; Lonely and wild--all night he goes,-- The Dong with a luminous Nose! And all who watch at the midnight hour, From Hall or Terrace, or Lofty Tower, Cry, as they trace the Meteor bright, Moving along through the dreary night,-- "This is the hour when forth he goes, "The Dong with a luminous Nose! "Yonder--over the plain he goes; "He goes; "He goes! "The Dong with a luminous Nose!" THE NEW VESTMENTS. There lived an old man in the Kingdom of Tess, Who invented a purely original dress; And when it was perfectly made and complete, He opened the door, and walked into the street. By way of a hat he'd a loaf of Brown Bread, In the middle of which he inserted his head;-- His Shirt was made up of no end of dead Mice, The warmth of whose skins was quite fluffy and nice;-- His Drawers were of Rabbit-skins;--so were his Shoes;-- His Stockings were skins,--but it is not known whose;-- His Waistcoat and Trowsers were made of Pork Chops;-- His Buttons were Jujubes and Chocolate Drops;-- His Coat was all Pancakes, with Jam for a border, And a girdle of Biscuits to keep it in order; And he wore over all, as a screen from bad weather, A Cloak of green Cabbage-leaves stitched all together. He had walked a short way, when he heard a great noise, Of all sorts of Beasticles, Birdlings, and Boys;-- And from every long street and dark lane in the town Beasts, Birdles, and Boys in a tumult rushed down. Two Cows and a Calf ate his Cabbage leaf Cloak;-- Four Apes seized his Girdle, which vanished like smoke;-- Three Kids ate up half of his Pancaky Coat,-- And the tails were devoured by an ancient He Goat;-- An army of Dogs in a twinkling tore _up_ his Pork Waistcoat and Trowsers to give to their Puppies;-- And while they were growling, and mumbling the Chops, Ten Boys prigged the Jujubes and Chocolate Drops. He tried to run back to his house, but in vain, For scores of fat Pigs came again and again;-- They rushed out of stables and hovels and doors,-- They tore off his Stockings, his Shoes, and his Drawers. And now from the housetops with screechings descend, Striped, spotted, white, black, and grey Cats without end; They jumped on his shoulders and knocked off his Hat,-- When Crows, Ducks and Hens made a mincemeat of that:-- They speedily flew at his sleeves in a trice, And utterly tore up his Shirt of dead Mice;-- They swallowed the last of his Shirt with a squall,-- Whereon he ran home with no clothes on at all. And he said to himself as he bolted the door, "I will not wear a similar dress any more, "Any more, any more, any more, never more!" CALICO PIE. I. Calico Pie, The Little Birds fly Down to the calico tree, Their wings were blue, And they sang "Tilly-loo!" Till away they flew,-- And they never came back to me! They never came back! They never came back! They never came back to me! II. Calico Jam, The little Fish swam Over the syllabub sea, He took off his hat, To the Sole and the Sprat, And the Willeby-wat,-- But he never came back to me! He never came back! He never came back! He never came back to me! III. Calico Ban, The little Mice ran, To be ready in time for tea, Flippity flup, They drank it all up, And danced in the cup,-- But they never came back to me! They never came back! They never came back! They never came back to me! IV. Calico Drum, The Grasshoppers come, The Butterfly, Beetle, and Bee, Over the ground, Around and around, With a hop and a bound-- But they never came back! They never came back! They never came back! They never came back to me! [Music: THE YONGHY-BONGHY-BÒ.] THE COURTSHIP OF THE YONGHY-BONGHY-BÒ. I. On the Coast of Coromandel, Where the early pumpkins grow, In the middle of the woods Lived the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. Two old chairs, and half a candle,-- One old jug without a handle,-- These were all his worldly goods: In the middle of the woods, These were all the worldly goods Of the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, Of the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. II. Once, among the Bong-trees walking Where the early pumpkins grow, To a little heap of stones Came the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. There he heard a Lady talking, To some milk-white Hens of Dorking,-- "'Tis the Lady Jingly Jones! "On that little heap of stones "Sits the Lady Jingly Jones!" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. III. "Lady Jingly! Lady Jingly! "Sitting where the pumpkins grow, "Will you come and be my wife?" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. "I am tired of living singly,-- "On this coast so wild and shingly,-- "I'm a-weary of my life; "If you'll come and be my wife, "Quite serene would be my life!"-- Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. IV. "On this Coast of Coromandel, "Shrimps and watercresses grow, "Prawns are plentiful and cheap." Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, "You shall have my chairs and candle, "And my jug without a handle!-- "Gaze upon the rolling deep ("Fish is plentiful and cheap)-- "As the sea, my love is deep!" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. V. Lady Jingly answered sadly, And her tears began to flow,-- "Your proposal comes too late, "Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò! "I would be your wife most gladly!" (Here she twirled her fingers madly) "But in England I've a mate! "Yes! you've asked me far too late, "For in England I've a mate, "Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò! "Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò! VI. "Mr. Jones--(his name is Handel,-- "Handel Jones, Esquire, & Co.) "Dorking fowls delights to send, "Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò! "Keep, oh I keep your chairs and candle, "And your jug without a handle,-- "I can merely be your friend! "--Should my Jones more Dorkings send, "I will give you three, my friend! "Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò! "Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò! VII. "Though you've such a tiny body, "And your head so large doth grow,-- "Though your hat may blow away, "Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò! "Though you're such a Boddy Doddy-- "Yet I wish that I could modi- "fy the words I needs must say! "Will you please to go away? "That is all I have to say-- "Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, "Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò!" VIII. Down the slippery slopes of Myrtle, Where the early pumpkins grow, To the calm and silent sea Fled the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. There beyond the Bay of Gurtle, Lay a large and lively Turtle;-- "You're the Cove," he said, "for me; "On your back beyond the sea, "Turtle, you shall carry me!" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. IX. Through the silent-roaring ocean Did the Turtle swiftly go; Holding fast upon his shell Rode the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, With a sad primæval motion Towards the sunset isles of Boshen Still the Turtle bore him well, Holding fast upon his shell. "Lady Jingly Jones, farewell!" Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. X. From the Coast of Coromandel Did that Lady never go; On that heap of stones she mourns For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. On that Coast of Coromandel, In his jug without a handle, Still she weeps, and daily moans; On that little heap of stones To her Dorking Hens she moans For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. INCIDENTS IN THE LIFE OF MY UNCLE ARLY. I. O My Aged Uncle Arly! Sitting on a heap of Barley Thro' the silent hours of night,-- Close beside a leafy thicket:-- On his nose there was a Cricket,-- In his hat a Railway-Ticket (But his shoes were far too tight). II. Long ago, in youth, he squander'd All his goods away, and wander'd To the Tiniskoop-hills afar. There on golden sunsets blazing, Every evening found him gazing,-- Singing,--"Orb! you're quite amazing! "How I wonder what you are!" III. Like the ancient Medes and Persians, Always by his own exertions He subsisted on those hills;-- Whiles,--by teaching children spelling,-- Or at times by merely yelling,-- Or at intervals by selling "Propter's Nicodemus Pills." IV. Later, in his morning rambles He perceived the moving brambles-- Something square and white disclose;-- 'Twas a First-class Railway-Ticket; But, on stooping down to pick it Off the ground,--a pea-green Cricket Settled on my uncle's Nose. V. Never--never more,--oh! never, Did that Cricket leave him ever,-- Dawn or evening, day or night;-- Clinging as a constant treasure,-- Chirping with a cheerious measure,-- Wholly to my uncle's pleasure (Though his shoes were far too tight). VI. So for three and forty winters, Till his shoes were worn to splinters, All those hills he wander'd o'er,-- Sometimes silent;--sometimes yelling;-- Till he came to Borley-Melling, Near his old ancestral dwelling (But his shoes were far too tight). VII. On a little heap of Barley Died my agèd Uncle Arly, And they buried him one night;-- Close beside the leafy thicket;-- There,--his hat and Railway-Ticket;-- There,--his ever-faithful Cricket (But his shoes were far too tight). Footnotes: [1] _Washerman._ [2] _Fan._ [3] _Butler._ [4] _Waiter at table._ [5] _Police or post station._ [6] _Office messenger._ [7] _Water skin._ [8] _Watercourse._ [9] _Groom._ [10] _Water-carrier._ [11] _Sedan Chair._ [12] _Salt._ [13] _Waist Sash._ Transcriber's Notes: Passages in italics are indicated by _italics_. The original text contains numerous decorative illustrations that are not noted in this text version. 
13648	----	Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file which includes the original illustrations. See 13648-h.htm or 13648-h.zip: (http://www.gutenberg.net/dirs/1/3/6/4/13648/13648-h/13648-h.htm) or (http://www.gutenberg.net/dirs/1/3/6/4/13648/13648-h.zip) MORE NONSENSE Pictures, Rhymes, Botany, etc. by EDWARD LEAR [Illustration] CONTENTS NONSENSE BOTANY ONE HUNDRED NONSENSE PICTURES AND RHYMES TWENTY-SIX NONSENSE RHYMES AND PICTURES [Illustration] INTRODUCTION In offering this little book--the third of its kind--to the public, I am glad to take the opportunity of recording the pleasure I have received at the appreciation its predecessors have met with, as attested by their wide circulation, and by the universally kind notices of them from the Press. To have been the means of administering innocent mirth to thousands, may surely be a just motive for satisfaction, and an excuse for grateful expression. At the same time, I am desirous of adding a few words as to the history of the two previously published volumes, and more particularly of the first or original "Book of Nonsense," relating to which many absurd reports have crept into circulation, such as that it was the composition of the late Lord Brougham, the late Earl of Derby, etc.; that the rhymes and pictures are by different persons; or that the whole have a symbolical meaning, etc.; whereas, every one of the Rhymes was composed by myself, and every one of the Illustrations drawn by my own hand at the time the verses were made. Moreover, in no portion of these Nonsense drawings have I ever allowed any caricature of private or public persons to appear, and throughout, more care than might be supposed has been given to make the subjects incapable of misinterpretation: "Nonsense," pure and absolute, having been my aim throughout. As for the persistently absurd report of the late Earl of Derby being the author of the "First Book of Nonsense," I may relate an incident which occurred to me four summers ago, the first that gave me any insight into the origin of the rumor. I was on my way from London to Guildford, in a railway carriage, containing, besides myself, one passenger, an elderly gentleman: presently, however, two ladies entered, accompanied by two little boys. These, who had just had a copy of the "Book of Nonsense" given them, were loud in their delight, and by degrees infected the whole party with their mirth. "How grateful," said the old gentleman to the two ladies, "all children, and parents too, ought to be to the statesman who has given his time to composing that charming book!" (The ladies looked puzzled, as indeed was I, the author.) "Do you not know who is the writer of it?" asked the gentleman. "The name is 'Edward Lear,'" said one of the ladies. "Ah!" said the first speaker, "so it is printed; but that is only a whim of the real author, the Earl of Derby. 'Edward' is his Christian name, and, as you may see, LEAR is only EARL transposed." "But," said the lady, doubtingly, "here is a dedication to the great-grandchildren, grand-nephews, and grand-nieces of Edward, thirteenth Earl of Derby, by the author, Edward Lear." "That," replied the other, "is simply a piece of mystification; I am in a position to know that the whole book was composed and illustrated by Lord Derby himself. In fact, there is no such a person at all as Edward Lear." "Yet," said the other lady, "some friends of mine tell me they know Mr. Lear." "Quite a mistake! completely a mistake!" said the old gentleman, becoming rather angry at the contradiction; "I am well aware of what I am saying: I can inform you, no such a person as 'Edward Lear' exists!" Hitherto I had kept silence; but as my hat was, as well as my handkerchief and stick, largely marked inside with my name, and as I happened to have in my pocket several letters addressed to me, the temptation was too great to resist; so, flashing all these articles at once on my would-be extinguisher's attention, I speedily reduced him to silence. The second volume of Nonsense, commencing with the verses, "The Owl and the Pussy-Cat," was written at different times, and for different sets of children: the whole being collected in the course of last year, were then illustrated, and published in a single volume, by Mr. R.J. Bush, of 32 Charing Cross. The contents of the third or present volume were made also at different intervals in the last two years. Long years ago, in days when much of my time was passed in a country house, where children and mirth abounded, the lines beginning, "There was an old man of Tobago," were suggested to me by a valued friend, as a form of verse lending itself to limitless variety for rhymes and pictures; and thenceforth the greater part of the original drawings and verses for the first "Book of Nonsense" were struck off with a pen, no assistance ever having been given me in any way but that of uproarious delight and welcome at the appearance of every new absurdity. Most of these Drawings and Rhymes were transferred to lithographic stones in the year 1846, and were then first published by Mr. Thomas McLean, of the Haymarket. But that edition having been soon exhausted, and the call for the "Book of Nonsense" continuing, I added a considerable number of subjects to those previously-published, and having caused the whole to be carefully reproduced in woodcuts by Messrs. Dalzell, I disposed of the copyright to Messrs. Routledge and Warne, by whom the volume was published in 1843. EDWARD LEAR. VILLA EMILY, SAN REMO, August, 1871. NONSENSE BOTANY. [Illustration: Barkia Howlaloudia.] [Illustration: Enkoopia Chickabiddia.] [Illustration: Jinglia Tinkettlia.] [Illustration: Nasticreechia Krorluppia.] [Illustration: Arthbroomia Rigida.] [Illustration: Sophtsluggia Glutinosa.] [Illustration: Minspysia Deliciosa.] [Illustration: Shoebootia Utilis.] [Illustration: Stunnia Dinnerbellia.] [Illustration: Tickia Orologica.] [Illustration: Washtubbia Circularis.] [Illustration: Tigerlillia Terribilis.] * * * * * ONE HUNDRED NONSENSE PICTURES AND RHYMES. [Illustration] There was a young person of Bantry, Who frequently slept in the pantry; When disturbed by the mice, she appeased them with rice, That judicious young person of Bantry. [Illustration] There was an Old Man at a Junction, Whose feelings were wrung with compunction When they said, "The Train's gone!" he exclaimed, "How forlorn!" But remained on the rails of the Junction. [Illustration] There was an old person of Minety, Who purchased five hundred and ninety Large apples and pears, which he threw unawares At the heads of the people of Minety. [Illustration] There was an old man of Thermopylae, Who never did anything properly; But they said, "If you choose to boil eggs in your shoes, You shall never remain in Thermopylae." [Illustration] There was an old person of Deal, Who in walking used only his heel; When they said, "Tell us why?" he made no reply, That mysterious old person of Deal. [Illustration] There was an old man on the Humber, Who dined on a cake of Burnt Umber; When he said, "It's enough!" they only said, "Stuff! You amazing old man on the Humber!" [Illustration] There was an old man in a barge, Whose nose was exceedingly large; But in fishing by night, it supported a light, Which helped that old man in a barge. [Illustration] There was an old man of Dunrose; A parrot seized hold of his nose. When he grew melancholy, they said, "His name's Polly," Which soothed that old man of Dunrose. [Illustration] There was an old man of Toulouse Who purchased a new pair of shoes; When they asked, "Are they pleasant?" he said, "Not at present!" That turbid old man of Toulouse. [Illustration] There was an old person of Bree, Who frequented the depths of the sea; She nurs'd the small fishes, and washed all the dishes, And swam back again into Bree. [Illustration] There was an old person of Bromley, Whose ways were not cheerful or comely; He sate in the dust, eating spiders and crust, That unpleasing old person of Bromley. [Illustration] There was an old person of Shields, Who frequented the vallies and fields; All the mice and the cats, and the snakes and the rats, Followed after that person of Shields. [Illustration] There was an old man of Dunluce, Who went out to sea on a goose: When he'd gone out a mile, he observ'd with a smile, "It is time to return to Dunluce." [Illustration] There was an old man of Dee-side Whose hat was exceedingly wide, But he said, "Do not fail, if it happen to hail, To come under my hat at Dee-side!" [Illustration] There was an old person in black, A Grasshopper jumped on his back; When it chirped in his ear, he was smitten with fear, That helpless old person in black. [Illustration] There was an old man of the Dargle Who purchased six barrels of Gargle; For he said, "I'll sit still, and will roll them down hill, For the fish in the depths of the Dargle." [Illustration] There was an old person of Pinner, As thin as a lath, if not thinner; They dressed him in white, and roll'd him up tight, That elastic old person of Pinner. [Illustration] There was an old person of China, Whose daughters were Jiska and Dinah, Amelia and Fluffy, Olivia and Chuffy, And all of them settled in China. [Illustration] There was an old man in a Marsh, Whose manners were futile and harsh; He sate on a log, and sang songs to a frog, That instructive old man in a Marsh. [Illustration] There was an old person of Brill, Who purchased a shirt with a frill; But they said, "Don't you wish, you mayn't look like a fish, You obsequious old person of Brill?" [Illustration] There was an old person of Wick, Who said, "Tick-a-Tick, Tick-a-Tick; Chickabee, Chickabaw." And he said nothing more, That laconic old person of Wick. [Illustration] There was an old man at a Station, Who made a promiscuous oration; But they said, "Take some snuff!--You have talk'd quite enough, You afflicting old man at a Station!" [Illustration] There was an old man of Three Bridges, Whose mind was distracted by midges, He sate on a wheel, eating underdone veal, Which relieved that old man of Three Bridges. [Illustration] There was an old man of Hong Kong, Who never did anything wrong; He lay on his back, with his head in a sack, That innocuous old man of Hong Kong. [Illustration] There was a young person in green, Who seldom was fit to be seen; She wore a long shawl, over bonnet and all, Which enveloped that person in green. [Illustration] There was an old person of Fife, Who was greatly disgusted with life; They sang him a ballad, and fed him on salad, Which cured that old person of Fife. [Illustration] There was an old man who screamed out Whenever they knocked him about: So they took off his boots, and fed him with fruits, And continued to knock him about. [Illustration] There was a young lady in white, Who looked out at the depths of the night; But the birds of the air, filled her heart with despair, And oppressed that young lady in white. [Illustration] There was an old person of Slough, Who danced at the end of a bough; But they said, "If you sneeze, you might damage the trees, You imprudent old person of Slough." [Illustration] There was an old person of Down, Whose face was adorned with a frown; When he opened the door, for one minute or more, He alarmed all the people of Down. [Illustration] There was a young person in red, Who carefully covered her head, With a bonnet of leather, and three lines of feather, Besides some long ribands of red. [Illustration] There was an old person of Hove, Who frequented the depths of a grove; Where he studied his books, with the wrens and the rooks, That tranquil old person of Hove. [Illustration] There was a young person in pink, Who called out for something to drink; But they said, "O my daughter, there's nothing but water!" Which vexed that young person in pink. [Illustration] There was an old lady of France, Who taught little ducklings to dance; When she said, "Tick-a-tack!" they only said, "Quack!" Which grieved that old lady of France. [Illustration] There was an old person of Putney, Whose food was roast spiders and chutney, Which he took with his tea, within sight of the sea, That romantic old person of Putney. [Illustration] There was an old person of Loo, Who said, "What on earth shall I do?" When they said, "Go away!" she continued to stay, That vexatious old person of Loo. [Illustration] There was an old person of Woking, Whose mind was perverse and provoking; He sate on a rail, with his head in a pail, That illusive old person of Woking. [Illustration] There was an old person of Dean Who dined on one pea, and one bean; For he said, "More than that, would make me too fat," That cautious old person of Dean. [Illustration] There was a young lady in blue, Who said, "Is it you? Is it you?" When they said, "Yes, it is," she replied only, "Whizz!" That ungracious young lady in blue. [Illustration] There was an old Man in a Garden, Who always begged every one's pardon; When they asked him, "What for?" he replied, "You're a bore! And I trust you'll go out of my garden." [Illustration] There was an old person of Pisa, Whose daughters did nothing to please her; She dressed them in gray, and banged them all day, Round the walls of the city of Pisa. [Illustration] There was an old person of Florence, Who held mutton chops in abhorrence; He purchased a Bustard, and fried him in Mustard, Which choked that old person of Florence. [Illustration] There was an old person of Sheen, Whose expression was calm and serene; He sate in the water, and drank bottled porter, That placid old person of Sheen. [Illustration] There was an old person of Ware, Who rode on the back of a bear; When they ask'd, "Does it trot?" he said, "Certainly not! He's a Moppsikon Floppsikon bear!" [Illustration] There was a young person of Janina, Whose uncle was always a fanning her; When he fanned off her head, she smiled sweetly, and said, "You propitious old person of Janina!" [Illustration] There was an old man of Cashmere, Whose movements were scroobious and queer; Being slender and tall, he looked over a wall, And perceived two fat ducks of Cashmere. [Illustration] There was an old person of Cassel, Whose nose finished off in a tassel; But they call'd out, "Oh well! don't it look like a bell!" Which perplexed that old person of Cassel. [Illustration] There was an old person of Pett, Who was partly consumed by regret; He sate in a cart, and ate cold apple tart, Which relieved that old person of Pett. [Illustration] There was an old man of Spithead, Who opened the window, and said,-- "Fil-jomble, fil-jumble, fil-rumble-come-tumble!" That doubtful old man of Spithead. [Illustration] There was an old man on the Border, Who lived in the utmost disorder; He danced with the cat, and made tea in his hat, Which vexed all the folks on the Border. [Illustration] There was an old man of Dumbree, Who taught little owls to drink tea; For he said, "To eat mice is not proper or nice," That amiable man of Dumbree. [Illustration] There was an old person of Filey, Of whom his acquaintance spoke highly; He danced perfectly well, to the sound of a bell, And delighted the people of Filey. [Illustration] There was an old man whose remorse Induced him to drink Caper Sauce; For they said, "If mixed up with some cold claret-cup, It will certainly soothe your remorse!" [Illustration] There was an old man of Ibreem, Who suddenly threaten'd to scream; But they said, "If you do, we will thump you quite blue, You disgusting old man of Ibreem!" [Illustration] There was an old person of Wilts, Who constantly walked upon stilts; He wreathed them with lilies and daffy-down-dillies, That elegant person of Wilts. [Illustration] There was an old person of Grange, Whose manners were scroobious and strange; He sailed to St. Blubb in a waterproof tub, That aquatic old person of Grange. [Illustration] There was an old person of Newry, Whose manners were tinctured with fury; He tore all the rugs, and broke all the jugs, Within twenty miles' distance of Newry. [Illustration] There was an old man of Dumblane, Who greatly resembled a crane; But they said, "Is it wrong, since your legs are so long, To request you won't stay in Dumblane?" [Illustration] There was an old man of Port Grigor, Whose actions were noted for vigour; He stood on his head till his waistcoat turned red, That eclectic old man of Port Grigor. [Illustration] There was an old man of El Hums, Who lived upon nothing but crumbs, Which he picked off the ground, with the other birds round, In the roads and the lanes of El Hums. [Illustration] There was an old man of West Dumpet, Who possessed a large nose like a trumpet; When he blew it aloud, it astonished the crowd, And was heard through the whole of West Dumpet. [Illustration] There was an old person of Sark, Who made an unpleasant remark; But they said, "Don't you see what a brute you must be, You obnoxious old person of Sark!" [Illustration] There was an old man whose despair Induced him to purchase a hare: Whereon one fine day he rode wholly away, Which partly assuaged his despair. [Illustration] There was an old person of Barnes, Whose garments were covered with darns; But they said, "Without doubt, you will soon wear them out, You luminous person of Barnes!" [Illustration] There was an old person of Nice, Whose associates were usually Geese. They walked out together in all sorts of weather, That affable person of Nice! [Illustration] There was a young lady of Greenwich, Whose garments were border'd with Spinach; But a large spotty Calf bit her shawl quite in half, Which alarmed that young lady of Greenwich. [Illustration] There was an old person of Cannes, Who purchased three fowls and a fan; Those she placed on a stool, and to make them feel cool She constantly fanned them at Cannes. [Illustration] There was an old person of Ickley, Who could not abide to ride quickly; He rode to Karnak on a tortoise's back, That moony old person of Ickley. [Illustration] There was an old person of Hyde, Who walked by the shore with his bride, Till a Crab who came near fill'd their bosoms with fear, And they said, "Would we'd never left Hyde!" [Illustration] There was an old person in gray, Whose feelings were tinged with dismay; She purchased two parrots, and fed them with carrots, Which pleased that old person in gray. [Illustration] There was an old man of Ancona, Who found a small dog with no owner, Which he took up and down all the streets of the town, That anxious old man of Ancona. [Illustration] There was an old person of Sestri, Who sate himself down in the vestry; When they said, "You are wrong!" he merely said "Bong!" That repulsive old person of Sestri. [Illustration] There was an old person of Blythe, Who cut up his meat with a scythe; When they said, "Well! I never!" he cried, "Scythes for ever!" That lively old person of Blythe. [Illustration] There was a young person of Ayr, Whose head was remarkably square: On the top, in fine weather, she wore a gold feather; Which dazzled the people of Ayr. [Illustration] There was an old person of Rimini, Who said, "Gracious! Goodness! O Gimini!" When they said, "Please be still!" she ran down a hill, And was never more heard of at Rimini. [Illustration] There is a young lady, whose nose, Continually prospers and grows; When it grew out of sight, she exclaimed in a fright, "Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!" [Illustration] There was an old person of Ealing, Who was wholly devoid of good feeling; He drove a small gig, with three Owls and a Pig, Which distressed all the people of Ealing. [Illustration] There was an old man of Thames Ditton, Who called out for something to sit on; But they brought him a hat, and said, "Sit upon that, You abruptious old man of Thames Ditton!" [Illustration] There was an old person of Bray, Who sang through the whole of the day To his ducks and his pigs, whom he fed upon figs, That valuable person of Bray. [Illustration] There was a young person whose history Was always considered a mystery; She sate in a ditch, although no one knew which, And composed a small treatise on history. [Illustration] There was an old person of Bow, Whom nobody happened to know; So they gave him some soap, and said coldly, "We hope You will go back directly to Bow!" [Illustration] There was an old person of Rye, Who went up to town on a fly; But they said, "If you cough, you are safe to fall off! You abstemious old person of Rye!" [Illustration] There was an old person of Crowle, Who lived in the nest of an owl; When they screamed in the nest, he screamed out with the rest, That depressing old person of Crowle. [Illustration] There was an old Lady of Winchelsea, Who said, "If you needle or pin shall see On the floor of my room, sweep it up with the broom!" That exhaustive old Lady of Winchelsea! [Illustration] There was an old man in a tree, Whose whiskers were lovely to see; But the birds of the air pluck'd them perfectly bare, To make themselves nests in that tree. [Illustration] There was a young lady of Corsica, Who purchased a little brown saucy-cur; Which she fed upon ham, and hot raspberry jam, That expensive young lady of Corsica. [Illustration] There was a young lady of Firle, Whose hair was addicted to curl; It curled up a tree, and all over the sea, That expansive young lady of Firle. [Illustration] There was an old person of Stroud, Who was horribly jammed in a crowd; Some she slew with a kick, some she scrunched with a stick, That impulsive old person of Stroud. [Illustration] There was an old man of Boulak, Who sate on a Crocodile's back; But they said, "Towr'ds the night he may probably bite, Which might vex you, old man of Boulak!" [Illustration] There was an old person of Skye, Who waltz'd with a Bluebottle fly: They buzz'd a sweet tune, to the light of the moon, And entranced all the people of Skye. [Illustration] There was an old man of Blackheath, Whose head was adorned with a wreath Of lobsters and spice, pickled onions and mice, That uncommon old man of Blackheath. [Illustration] There was an old man, who when little Fell casually into a kettle; But, growing too stout, he could never get out, So he passed all his life in that kettle. [Illustration] There was an old person of Dundalk, Who tried to teach fishes to walk; When they tumbled down dead, he grew weary, and said, "I had better go back to Dundalk!" [Illustration] There was an old person of Shoreham, Whose habits were marked by decorum; He bought an Umbrella, and sate in the cellar, Which pleased all the people of Shoreham. [Illustration] There was an old person of Bar, Who passed all her life in a jar, Which she painted pea-green, to appear more serene, That placid old person of Bar. [Illustration] There was a young person of Kew, Whose virtues and vices were few; But with blamable haste she devoured some hot paste, Which destroyed that young person of Kew. [Illustration] There was an old person of Jodd, Whose ways were perplexing and odd; She purchased a whistle, and sate on a thistle, And squeaked to the people of Jodd. [Illustration] There was an old person of Bude, Whose deportment was vicious and crude; He wore a large ruff of pale straw-colored stuff, Which perplexed all the people of Bude. [Illustration] There was an old person of Brigg, Who purchased no end of a wig; So that only his nose, and the end of his toes, Could be seen when he walked about Brigg. [Illustration] There was an old man of Messina, Whose daughter was named Opsibeena; She wore a small wig, and rode out on a pig, To the perfect delight of Messina. TWENTY-SIX NONSENSE RHYMES AND PICTURES. [Illustration] The Absolutely Abstemious Ass, who resided in a Barrel, and only lived on Soda Water and Pickled Cucumbers. [Illustration] The Bountiful Beetle, who always carried a Green Umbrella when it didn't rain, and left it at home when it did. [Illustration] The Comfortable Confidential Cow, who sate in her Red Morocco Arm Chair and toasted her own Bread at the parlour Fire. [Illustration] The Dolomphious Duck, who caught Spotted Frogs for her dinner with a Runcible Spoon. [Illustration] The Enthusiastic Elephant, who ferried himself across the water with the Kitchen Poker and a New pair of Ear-rings. [Illustration] The Fizzgiggious Fish, who always walked about upon Stilts, because he had no legs. [Illustration] The Good-natured Grey Gull, who carried the Old Owl, and his Crimson Carpet-bag, across the river, because he could not swim. [Illustration] The Hasty Higgeldipiggledy Hen, who went to market in a Blue Bonnet and Shawl, and bought a Fish for her Supper. [Illustration] The Inventive Indian, who caught a Remarkable Rabbit in a Stupendous Silver Spoon. [Illustration] The Judicious Jubilant Jay, who did up her Back Hair every morning with a Wreath of Roses, Three feathers, and a Gold Pin. [Illustration] The Kicking Kangaroo, who wore a Pale Pink Muslin dress with Blue spots. [Illustration] The Lively Learned Lobster, who mended his own Clothes with a Needle and Thread. [Illustration] The Melodious Meritorious Mouse, who played a merry minuet on the Piano-forte. [Illustration] The Nutritious Newt, who purchased a Round Plum-pudding for his grand-daughter. [Illustration] The Obsequious Ornamental Ostrich, who wore Boots to keep his feet quite dry. [Illustration: PARSNIP PIE] The Perpendicular Purple Polly, who read the Newspaper and ate Parsnip Pie with his Spectacles. [Illustration] The Queer Querulous Quail, who smoked a Pipe of tobacco on the top of a Tin Tea-kettle. [Illustration] The Rural Runcible Raven, who wore a White Wig and flew away with the Carpet Broom. [Illustration] The Scroobious Snake, who always wore a Hat on his Head, for fear he should bite anybody. [Illustration] The Tumultuous Tom-tommy Tortoise, who beat a Drum all day long in the middle of the wilderness. [Illustration] The Umbrageous Umbrella-maker, whose Face nobody ever saw, because it was always covered by his Umbrella. [Illustration] The Visibly Vicious Vulture, who wrote some Verses to a Veal-cutlet in a Volume bound in Vellum. [Illustration] The Worrying Whizzing Wasp, who stood on a Table, and played sweetly on a Flute with a Morning Cap. [Illustration] The Excellent Double-extra XX imbibing King Xerxes, who lived a long while ago. [Illustration] The Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, whose Head was ever so much bigger than his Body, and whose Hat was rather small. [Illustration] The Zigzag Zealous Zebra, who carried five Monkeys on his back all the way to Jellibolee. 
20113	----	LEAR'S NONSENSE DROLLERIES THE OWL & THE PUSSY CAT AND THE DUCK & THE KANGAROO [Illustration] WITH Original Illustrations BY WILLIAM FOSTER LONDON & NEW YORK FREDERICK WARNE AND CO. 1889 _ALL RIGHTS RESERVED._ The Owl and The Pussy-Cat. * * * * * The Duck and The Kangaroo. Nonsense Drolleries _The Owl & The Pussy-Cat--The Duck & The Kangaroo._ BY EDWARD LEAR, AUTHOR OF "THE BOOK OF NONSENSE," ETC. WITH ORIGINAL ILLUSTRATIONS BY WILLIAM FOSTER LONDON & NEW YORK FREDERICK WARNE AND CO. 1889 _ALL RIGHTS RESERVED._ _PUBLISHERS' PREFACE._ The almost general desire to have THE OWL and THE PUSSY-CAT, THE DUCK and THE KANGAROO, in a distinct form from Mr. LEAR's other Nonsense Drolleries, has induced us to issue them separately with Original Illustrations. FREDK. WARNE & CO. London Engraved & Printed at Racquet Court, _by_ _Edmund Evans_. [Illustration] The Owl and the Pussy-Cat went to sea In a beautiful pea-green boat, They took some honey, and plenty of money Wrapped up in a five-pound note. [Illustration] The Owl looked up to the stars above, And sang to a small guitar, "O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love, What a beautiful Pussy you are, You are, You are! What a beautiful Pussy you are!" [Illustration] Pussy said to the Owl, "You elegant fowl! How charmingly sweet you sing! O let us be married! too long we have tarried: But what shall we do for a ring?" [Illustration] They sailed away for a year and a day, To the land where the Bong-tree grows, And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood, With a ring at the end of his nose, His nose, His nose, With a ring at the end of his nose. [Illustration] "Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling Your ring?" Said the Piggy, "I will." [Illustration] So they took it away, and were married next day By the Turkey who lives on the hill. They dinèd on mince, and slices of quince Which they ate with a runcible spoon; [Illustration] And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, They danced by the light of the moon, The moon, The moon, They danced by the light of the moon. The Duck and The Kangaroo. Said the Duck to the Kangaroo, "Good gracious! how you hop Over the fields and the water too, As if you never would stop! [Illustration] My life is a bore in this nasty pond, And I long to go out in the world beyond! [Illustration] I wish I could hop like you!" Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. [Illustration] "Please give me a ride on your back!" Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. "I would sit quite still, and say nothing but 'Quack,' The whole of the long day through! [Illustration] And we'd go to the Dee, and the Jelly Bo Lee, Over the land, and over the sea;-- Please take me a ride! O do!" Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. Said the Kangaroo to the Duck, "This requires some little reflection; Perhaps on the whole it might bring me luck, And there seems but one objection, [Illustration] Which is, if you'll let me speak so bold, Your feet are unpleasantly wet and cold, And would probably give me the roo- Matiz." said the Kangaroo. [Illustration] Said the Duck, "As I sate on the rocks, I have thought over that completely, And I bought four pairs of worsted socks Which fit my web-feet neatly [Illustration] And to keep out the cold I've bought a cloak And every day a cigar I'll smoke, All to follow my own dear true Love of a Kangaroo!" Said the Kangaroo, "I'm ready! All in the moonlight pale; But to balance me well, dear Duck, sit steady! And quite at the end of my tail!" So away they went with a hop and a bound, And they hopped the whole world three times round; And who so happy,--O who, As the Duck and the Kangaroo? [Illustration] A LIST OF WORKS BY THE LATE EDWARD LEAR. _In oblong 4to, cloth gilt,_ The Book of Nonsense. 27th Edition, 110 Illustrations printed in outline as originally published. More Nonsense. Third Edition. 104 Illustrations. _In small 4to, cloth gilt,_ Nonsense Songs and Stories. 7th Edition. Nonsense Botany and Nonsense Alphabets. 162 Illustrations. Fifth Edition. MR. RUSKIN says, in his _List of the Best Hundred Authors_--"Surely the most beneficent and innocent of all looks yet produced is 'The Book of Nonsense,' with its corollary carols, inimitable and refreshing, and perfect in rhythm. I really don't know any author to whom I am half so grateful for my idle self as Edward Lear. I shall put him first of my hundred authors." LONDON AND NEW YORK: FREDERICK WARNE & CO. [Illustration: Back Cover] 
982	----	BOOK OF NONSENSE By Edward Lear There was an Old Derry down Derry, Who loved to see little folks merry; So he made them a Book, And with laughter they shook, At the fun of that Derry down Derry! TO THE GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, GRAND-NEPHEWS, AND GRAND-NIECES OF EDWARD, 13th EARL OF DERBY, THIS BOOK OF DRAWINGS AND VERSES (The greater part of which were originally made and composed for their parents,) IS DEDICATED BY THE AUTHOR, EDWARD LEAR 1. There was an Old Man with a beard, Who said, "It is just as I feared!-- Two Owls and a Hen, Four Larks and a Wren, Have all built their nests in my beard!" 2. There was a Young Lady of Ryde, Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied; She purchased some clogs, And some small spotty dogs, And frequently walked about Ryde. 3. There was an Old Man with a nose, Who said, "If you choose to suppose, That my nose is too long, You are certainly wrong!" That remarkable Man with a nose. 4. There was an Old Man on a hill, Who seldom, if ever, stood still; He ran up and down, In his Grandmother's gown, Which adorned that Old Man on a hill. 5. There was a Young Lady whose bonnet, Came untied when the birds sate upon it; But she said, "I don't care! All the birds in the air Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!" 6. There was a Young Person of Smyrna, Whose Grandmother threatened to burn her; But she seized on the Cat, And said, "Granny, burn that! "You incongruous Old Woman of Smyrna!" 7. There was an Old Person of Chili, Whose conduct was painful and silly; He sate on the stairs, Eating apples and pears, That imprudent Old Person of Chili. 8. There was an Old Man with a gong, Who bumped at it all the day long; But they called out, "O law! You're a horrid old bore!" So they smashed that Old Man with a gong. 9. There was an Old Lady of Chertsey, Who made a remarkable curtsey; She twirled round and round, Till she sunk underground, Which distressed all the people of Chertsey. 10. There was an Old Man in a tree, Who was horribly bored by a Bee; When they said, "Does it buzz?" He replied, "Yes, it does! "It's a regular brute of a Bee!" 11. There was an Old Man with a flute, A sarpint ran into his boot; But he played day and night, Till the sarpint took flight, And avoided that man with a flute. 12. There was a Young Lady whose chin, Resembled the point of a pin: So she had it made sharp, And purchased a harp, And played several tunes with her chin. 13. There was an Old Man of Kilkenny, Who never had more than a penny; He spent all that money, In onions and honey, That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny. 14. There was an Old Person of Ischia, Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier; He danced hornpipes and jigs, And ate thousands of figs, That lively Old Person of Ischia. 15. There was an Old Man in a boat, Who said, "I'm afloat! I'm afloat!" When they said, "No! you ain't!" He was ready to faint, That unhappy Old Man in a boat. 16. There was a Young lady of Portugal, Whose ideas were excessively nautical; She climbed up a tree, To examine the sea, But declared she would never leave Portugal. 17. There was an Old Man of Moldavia, Who had the most curious behaviour; For while he was able, He slept on a table, That funny Old Man of Moldavia 18. There was an Old Man of Madras, Who rode on a cream-coloured ass; But the length of its ears, So promoted his fears, That it killed that Old Man of Madras. 19. There was an Old Person of Leeds, Whose head was infested with beads; She sat on a stool, And ate gooseberry fool, Which agreed with that person of Leeds. 20. There was an Old Man of Peru, Who never knew what he should do; So he tore off his hair, And behaved like a bear, That intrinsic Old Man of Peru. 21. There was an Old Person of Hurst, Who drank when he was not athirst; When they said, "You'll grow fatter," He answered, "What matter?" That globular Person of Hurst. 22. There was a Young person of Crete, Whose toilette was far from complete; She dressed in a sack, Spickle-speckled with black, That ombliferous person of Crete. 23. There was an Old Man of the Isles, Whose face was pervaded with smiles; He sung high dum diddle, And played on the fiddle, That amiable Man of the Isles. 24. There was an Old Person of Buda, Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder; Till at last, with a hammer, They silenced his clamour, By smashing that Person of Buda 25. There was an Old Man of Columbia, Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer; But they brought it quite hot, In a small copper pot, Which disgusted that man of Columbia. 26. There was a young Lady of Dorking, Who bought a large bonnet for walking; But its colour and size, So bedazzled her eyes, That she very soon went back to Dorking. 27. There was an Old Man who supposed, That the street door was partially closed; But some very large rats, Ate his coats and his hats, While that futile old gentleman dozed. 28. There was an Old Man of the West, Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest; When they said, "Does it fit?" He replied, "Not a bit!" That uneasy Old Man of the West. 29. There was an Old Man of the Wrekin, Whose shoes made a horrible creaking; But they said, "Tell us whether, Your shoes are of leather, Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?" 30. There was a Young Lady whose eyes, Were unique as to colour and size; When she opened them wide, People all turned aside, And started away in surprise. 31. There was a Young Lady of Norway, Who casually sat in a doorway; When the door squeezed her flat, She exclaimed, "What of that?" This courageous Young Lady of Norway. 32. There was an Old Man of Vienna, Who lived upon Tincture of Senna; When that did not agree, He took Camomile Tea, That nasty Old Man of Vienna. 33. There was an Old Person whose habits, Induced him to feed upon Rabbits; When he'd eaten eighteen, He turned perfectly green, Upon which he relinquished those habits. 34. There was an old person of Dover, Who rushed through a field of blue Clover; But some very large bees, Stung his nose and his knees, So he very soon went back to Dover. 35. There was an Old Man of Marseilles, Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils; They caught several Fish, Which they put in a dish, And sent to their Pa at Marseilles. 36. There was an Old Person of Cadiz, Who was always polite to all ladies; But in handing his daughter, He fell into the water, Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz. 37. There was an Old Person of Basing, Whose presence of mind was amazing; He purchased a steed, Which he rode at full speed, And escaped from the people of Basing. 38. There was an Old Man of Quebec, A beetle ran over his neck; But he cried, "With a needle, I'll slay you, O beadle!" That angry Old Man of Quebec. 39. There was an Old Person of Philae, Whose conduct was scroobious and wily; He rushed up a Palm, When the weather was calm, And observed all the ruins of Philae. 40. There was a Young Lady of Bute, Who played on a silver-gilt flute; She played several jigs, To her uncle's white pigs, That amusing Young Lady of Bute. 41. There was a Young Lady whose nose, Was so long that it reached to her toes; So she hired an Old Lady, Whose conduct was steady, To carry that wonderful nose. 42. There was a Young Lady of Turkey, Who wept when the weather was murky; When the day turned out fine, She ceased to repine, That capricious Young Lady of Turkey. 43. There was an Old Man of Apulia, Whose conduct was very peculiar; He fed twenty sons, Upon nothing but buns, That whimsical Man of Apulia. 44. There was an Old Man with a poker, Who painted his face with red oker; When they said, "You're a Guy!" He made no reply, But knocked them all down with his poker. 45. There was an Old Person of Prague, Who was suddenly seized with the plague; But they gave him some butter, Which caused him to mutter, And cured that Old Person of Prague. 46. There was an Old Man of the North, Who fell into a basin of broth; But a laudable cook, Fished him out with a hook, Which saved that Old Man of the North. 47. There was a Young Lady of Poole, Whose soup was excessively cool; So she put it to boil, By the aid of some oil, That ingenious Young Lady of Poole. 48. There was an Old Person of Mold, Who shrank from sensations of cold; So he purchased some muffs, Some furs and some fluffs, And wrapped himself from the cold. 49. There was an Old Man or Nepaul, From his horse had a terrible fall; But, though split quite in two, By some very strong glue, They mended that Man of Nepaul. 50. There was an old Man of th' Abruzzi, So blind that he couldn't his foot see; When they said, "That's your toe," He replied, "Is it so?" That doubtful old Man of th' Abruzzi. 51. There was an Old Person of Rhodes, Who strongly objected to toads; He paid several cousins, To catch them by dozens, That futile Old Person of Rhodes. 52. There was an Old Man of Peru, Who watched his wife making a stew; But once by mistake, In a stove she did bake, That unfortunate Man of Peru. 53. There was an Old Man of Melrose, Who walked on the tips of his toes; But they said, "It ain't pleasant, To see you at present, You stupid Old Man of Melrose." 54. There was a Young Lady of Lucca, Whose lovers completely forsook her; She ran up a tree, And said, "Fiddle-de-dee!" Which embarrassed the people of Lucca. 55. There was an old Man of Bohemia, Whose daughter was christened Euphemia; Till one day, to his grief, She married a thief, Which grieved that old Man of Bohemia. 56. There was an Old Man of Vesuvius, Who studied the works of Vitruvius; When the flames burnt his book, To drinking he took, That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius. 57. There was an Old Man of Cape Horn, Who wished he had never been born; So he sat on a chair, Till he died of despair, That dolorous Man of Cape Horn. 58. There was an Old Lady whose folly, Induced her to sit in a holly; Whereon by a thorn, Her dress being torn, She quickly became melancholy. 59. There was an Old Man of Corfu, Who never knew what he should do; So he rushed up and down, Till the sun made him brown, That bewildered Old Man of Corfu. 60. There was an Old Man of the South, Who had an immoderate mouth; But in swallowing a dish, That was quite full of fish, He was choked, that Old Man of the South. 61. There was an Old Man of the Nile, Who sharpened his nails with a file; Till he cut off his thumbs, And said calmly, "This comes-- Of sharpening one's nails with a file!" 62. There was an Old Person of Rheims, Who was troubled with horrible dreams; So, to keep him awake, They fed him with cake, Which amused that Old Person of Rheims. 63. There was an Old Person of Cromer, Who stood on one leg to read Homer; When he found he grew stiff, He jumped over the cliff, Which concluded that Person of Cromer. 64. There was an Old Person of Troy, Whose drink was warm brandy and soy; Which he took with a spoon, By the light of the moon, In sight of the city of Troy. 65. There was an Old Man of the Dee, Who was sadly annoyed by a flea; When he said, "I will scratch it," They gave him a hatchet, Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee. 66. There was an Old Man of Dundee, Who frequented the top of a tree; When disturbed by the crows, He abruptly arose, And exclaimed, "I'll return to Dundee." 67. There was an Old Person of Tring, Who embellished his nose with a ring; He gazed at the moon, Every evening in June, That ecstatic Old Person of Tring. 68. There was an Old Man on some rocks, Who shut his wife up in a box; When she said, "Let me out," He exclaimed, "Without doubt, You will pass all your life in that box." 69. There was an Old Man of Coblenz, The length of whose legs was immense; He went with one prance, From Turkey to France, That surprising Old Man of Coblenz. 70. There was an Old Man of Calcutta, Who perpetually ate bread and butter; Till a great bit of muffin, On which he was stuffing, Choked that horrid old man of Calcutta. 71. There was an Old Man in a pew, Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue; But he tore it in pieces, To give to his nieces,-- That cheerful Old Man in a pew. 72. There was an Old Man who said, "How,-- Shall I flee from this horrible Cow? I will sit on this stile, And continue to smile, Which may soften the heart of that Cow." 73. There was a Young Lady of Hull, Who was chased by a virulent Bull; But she seized on a spade, And called out--"Who's afraid!" Which distracted that virulent Bull. 74. There was an Old Man of Whitehaven, Who danced a quadrille with a Raven; But they said--"It's absurd, To encourage this bird!" So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven. 75. There was an Old Man of Leghorn, The smallest as ever was born; But quickly snapt up he, Was once by a puppy, Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn. 76. There was an Old Man of the Hague, Whose ideas were excessively vague; He built a balloon, To examine the moon, That deluded Old Man of the Hague. 77. There was an Old Man of Jamaica, Who suddenly married a Quaker; But she cried out--"O lack! I have married a black!" Which distressed that Old Man of Jamaica. 78. There was an old person of Dutton, Whose head was so small as a button; So to make it look big, He purchased a wig, And rapidly rushed about Dutton. 79. There was a Young Lady of Tyre, Who swept the loud chords of a lyre; At the sound of each sweep, She enraptured the deep, And enchanted the city of Tyre. 80. There was an Old Man who said, "Hush! I perceive a young bird in this bush!" When they said--"Is it small?" He replied--"Not at all! It is four times as big as the bush!" 81. There was an Old Man of the East, Who gave all his children a feast; But they all ate so much, And their conduct was such, That it killed that Old Man of the East. 82. There was an Old Man of Kamschatka, Who possessed a remarkably fat cur, His gait and his waddle, Were held as a model, To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka. 83. There was an Old Man of the Coast, Who placidly sat on a post; But when it was cold, He relinquished his hold, And called for some hot buttered toast. 84. There was an Old Person of Bangor, Whose face was distorted with anger; He tore off his boots, And subsisted on roots, That borascible person of Bangor. 85. There was an Old Man with a beard, Who sat on a horse when he reared; But they said, "Never mind! You will fall off behind, You propitious Old Man with a beard!" 86. There was an Old Man of the West, Who never could get any rest; So they set him to spin, On his nose find his chin, Which cured that Old Man of the West. 87. There was an Old Person of Anerley, Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly; He rushed down the Strand, With a Pig in each hand, But returned in the evening to Anerley. 88. There was a Young Lady of Troy, Whom several large flies did annoy; Some she killed with a thump, Some she drowned at the pump, And some she took with her to Troy. 89. There was an Old Man of Berlin, Whose form was uncommonly thin; Till he once, by mistake, Was mixed up in a cake, So they baked that Old Man of Berlin. 90. There was an Old Person of Spain, Who hated all trouble and pain; So he sate on a chair, With his feet in the air, That umbrageous Old Person of Spain. 91. There was a Young Lady of Russia, Who screamed so that no one could hush her; Her screams were extreme, No one heard such a scream, As was screamed by that Lady of Russia. 92. There was an Old Man, who said, "Well! Will NOBODY answer this bell? I have pulled day and night, Till my hair has grown white, But nobody answers this bell!" 93. There was a Young Lady of Wales, Who caught a large fish without scales; When she lifted her hook, She exclaimed, "Only look!" That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales. 94. There was an Old Person of Cheadle, Was put in the stocks by the beadle; For stealing some pigs, Some coats, and some wigs, That horrible Person of Cheadle. 95. There was a Young Lady of Welling, Whose praise all the world was a-telling; She played on the harp, And caught several carp, That accomplished Young Lady of Welling. 96. There was an Old Person of Tartary, Who divided his jugular artery; But he screeched to his wife, And she said, "Oh, my life! Your death will be felt by all Tartary!" 97. There was an old Person of Chester, Whom several small children did pester; They threw some large stones, Which broke most of his bones, And displeased that old person of Chester. 98. There was an Old Man with an owl, Who continued to bother and howl; He sate on a rail, And imbibed bitter ale, Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl. 99. There was an Old Person of Gretna, Who rushed down the crater of Etna; When they said, "Is it hot?" He replied, "No, it's not!" That mendacious Old Person of Gretna. 100. There was a Young Lady of Sweden, Who went by the slow train to Weedon; When they cried, "Weedon Station!" She made no observation, But thought she should go back to Sweden. 101. There was a Young Girl of Majorca, Whose aunt was a very fast walker; She walked seventy miles, And leaped fifteen stiles, Which astonished that Girl of Majorca. 102. There was an Old Man of the Cape, Who possessed a large Barbary Ape; Till the Ape one dark night, Set the house on a light, Which burned that Old Man of the Cape. 103. There was an Old Lady of Prague, Whose language was horribly vague; When they said, "Are these caps?" She answered, "Perhaps!" That oracular Lady of Prague. 104. There was an Old Person of Sparta, Who had twenty-five sons and one daughter; He fed them on snails, And weighed them in scales, That wonderful person of Sparta. 105. There was an Old Man at a easement, Who held up his hands in amazement; When they said, "Sir, you'll fall!" He replied, "Not at all!" That incipient Old Man at a casement. 106. There was an old Person of Burton, Whose answers were rather uncertain; When they said, "How d'ye do?" He replied, "Who are you?" That distressing old person of Burton. 107. There was an Old Person of Ems, Who casually fell in the Thames; And when he was found, They said he was drowned, That unlucky Old Person of Ems. 108. There was an Old Person of Ewell, Who chiefly subsisted on gruel; But to make it more nice, He inserted some mice, Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell. 109. There was a Young Lady of Parma, Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer; When they said, "Are you dumb?" She merely said, "Hum!" That provoking Young Lady of Parma. 110. There was an Old Man of Aosta, Who possessed a large Cow, but he lost her; But they said, "Don't you see, She has rushed up a tree? You invidious Old Man of Aosta!" 111. There was an Old Man, on whose nose, Most birds of the air could repose; But they all flew away, At the closing of day, Which relieved that Old Man and his nose. 112. There was a Young Lady of Clare, Who was sadly pursued by a bear; When she found she was tired, She abruptly expired, That unfortunate Lady of Clare. 
13650	----	Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file which includes the original illustrations and music clips as well as midi, pdf, and lilypond files. See 13650-h.htm or 13650-h.zip: (http://www.gutenberg.net/dirs/1/3/6/5/13650/13650-h/13650-h.htm) or (http://www.gutenberg.net/dirs/1/3/6/5/13650/13650-h.zip) NONSENSE BOOKS by EDWARD LEAR With all the Original Illustrations 1894 PUBLISHERS' NOTICE. The first _Book of Nonsense_ was published in 1846. Three other volumes,-- _Nonsense Songs, Stories, etc._, published in 1871; _More Nonsense Pictures, etc._, in 1872; and _Laughable Lyrics: A Fresh Book of Nonsense, etc._, in 1877,--comprise all the "Nonsense Books" written by Mr. Lear. "Surely the most beneficent and innocent of all books yet produced is the _Book of Nonsense_, with its corollary carols, inimitable and refreshing, and perfect in rhythm. I really don't know any author to whom I am half so grateful for my idle self as Edward Lear. I shall put him first of my hundred authors." JOHN RUSKIN, In the _List of the Best Hundred Authors_. [Illustration: EDWARD LEAR. ENGRAVED BY ANDREW FROM A PHOTOGRAPH TAKEN IN SAN REMO, BY RONCAROLO.] CONTENTS. I. A BOOK OF NONSENSE. II. NONSENSE SONGS, STORIES, BOTANY, AND ALPHABETS. III. MORE NONSENSE PICTURES, RHYMES, BOTANY, ETC. IV. LAUGHABLE LYRICS: A FRESH BOOK OF NONSENSE POEMS, SONGS, BOTANY, ETC. [Illustration: QUI LEGIT REGIT.] The following lines by Mr. Lear were written for a young lady of his acquaintance, who had quoted to him the words of a young lady not of his acquaintance, "How pleasant to know Mr. Lear!" "How pleasant to know Mr. Lear!" Who has written such volumes of stuff! Some think him ill-tempered and queer, But a few think him pleasant enough. His mind is concrete and fastidious, His nose is remarkably big; His visage is more or less hideous, His beard it resembles a wig. He has ears, and two eyes, and ten fingers, Leastways if you reckon two thumbs; Long ago he was one of the singers, But now he is one of the dumbs. He sits in a beautiful parlor, With hundreds of books on the wall; He drinks a great deal of Marsala, But never gets tipsy at all. He has many friends, lay men and clerical, Old Foss is the name of his cat; His body is perfectly spherical, He weareth a runcible hat. When he walks in waterproof white, The children run after him so! Calling out, "He's come out in his night- Gown, that crazy old Englishman, oh!" He weeps by the side of the ocean, He weeps on the top of the hill; He purchases pancakes and lotion, And chocolate shrimps from the mill. He reads, but he cannot speak, Spanish, He cannot abide ginger beer: Ere the days of his pilgrimage vanish, How pleasant to know Mr. Lear! * * * * * INTRODUCTION. Edward Lear, the artist, Author of "Journals of a Landscape Painter" in various out-of-the-way countries, and of the delightful "Books of Nonsense," which have amused successive generations of children, died on Sunday, January 29, 1888, at San Remo, Italy, where he had lived for twenty years. Few names could evoke a wider expression of passing regret at their appearance in the obituary column; for until his health began to fail he was known to an immense and almost a cosmopolitan circle of acquaintance, and popular wherever he was known. Fewer still could call up in the minds of intimate friends a deeper and more enduring feeling of sorrow for personal loss, mingled with the pleasantest of memories; for it was impossible to know him thoroughly and not to love him. London, Rome, the Mediterranean countries generally, Ceylon and India, are still all dotted with survivors among his generation who will mourn for him affectionately, although his latter years were spent in comparatively close retirement. He was a man of striking nobility of nature, fearless, independent, energetic, given to forming for himself strong opinions, often hastily, sometimes bitterly; not always strong or sound in judgment, but always seeking after truth in every matter, and following it as he understood it in scorn of consequence; utterly unselfish, devoted to his friends, generous even to extravagance towards any one who had ever been connected with his fortunes or his travels; playful, light-hearted, witty, and humorous, but not without those occasional fits of black depression and nervous irritability to which such temperaments are liable. Great and varied as the merits of his pictures are, Lear hardly succeeded in achieving any great popularity as a landscape-painter. His work was frequently done on private commission, and he rarely sent in pictures for the Academy or other exhibitions. His larger and more highly finished landscapes were unequal in technical perfection,--sometimes harsh or cold in color, or stiff in composition; sometimes full of imagination, at others literal and prosaic,--but always impressive reproductions of interesting or peculiar scenery. In later years he used in conversation to qualify himself as a "topographical artist;" and the definition was true, though not exhaustive. He had an intuitive and a perfectly trained eye for the character and beauty of distant mountain lines, the solemnity of rocky gorges, the majesty of a single mountain rising from a base of plain or sea; and he was equally exact in rendering the true forms of the middle distances and the specialties of foreground detail belonging to the various lands through which he had wandered as a sketcher. Some of his pictures show a mastery which has rarely been equalled over the difficulties of painting an immense plain as seen from a height, reaching straight away from the eye of the spectator until it is lost in a dim horizon. Sir Roderick Murchison used to say that he always understood the geological peculiarities of a country he had only studied in Lear's sketches. The compliment was thoroughly justified; and it is not every landscape-painter to whom it could honestly be paid. The history of Lear's choice of a career was a curious one. He was the youngest of twenty-one children, and, through a family mischance, was thrown entirely on the limited resources of an elderly sister at a very early age. As a boy he had always dabbled in colors for his own amusement, and had been given to poring over the ordinary boys' books upon natural history. It occurred to him to try to turn his infant talents to account; and he painted upon cardboard a couple of birds in the style which the older among us remember as having been called Oriental tinting, took them to a small shop, and sold them for fourpence. The kindness of friends, to whom he was ever grateful, gave him the opportunity of more serious and more remunerative study, and he became a patient and accurate zoölogical draughtsman. Many of the birds in the earlier volumes of Gould's magnificent folios were drawn for him by Lear. A few years back there were eagles alive in the Zoölogical Gardens in Regent's Park to which Lear could point as old familiar friends that he had drawn laboriously from claw to beak fifty years before. He united with this kind of work the more unpleasant occupation of drawing the curiosities of disease or deformity in hospitals. One day, as he was busily intent on the portrait of a bird in the Zoölogical Gardens, an old gentleman came and looked over his shoulder, entered into conversation, and finally said to him, "You must come and draw my birds at Knowsley." Lear did not know where Knowsley was, or what it meant; but the old gentleman was the thirteenth Earl of Derby. The successive Earls of Derby have been among Lear's kindest and most generous patrons. He went to Knowsley, and the drawings in the "Knowsley Menagerie" (now a rare and highly-prized work among book collectors) are by Lear's hand. At Knowsley he became a permanent favorite; and it was there that he composed in prolific succession his charming and wonderful series of utterly nonsensical rhymes and drawings. Lear had already begun seriously to study landscape. When English winters began to threaten his health, Lord Derby started a subscription which enabled him to go to Rome as a student and artist, and no doubt gave him recommendations among Anglo-Roman society which laid the foundations of a numerous _clientèle_. It was in the Roman summers that Lear first began to exercise the taste for pictorial wandering which grew into a habit and a passion, to fill vivid and copious note-books as he went, and to illustrate them by spirited and accurate drawings; and his first volume of "Illustrated Excursions in Italy," published in 1846, is gratefully dedicated to his Knowsley patron. Only those who have travelled with him could know what a delightful comrade he was to men whose tastes ran more or less parallel to his own. It was not everybody who could travel with him; for he was so irrepressibly anxious not to lose a moment of the time at his disposal for gathering into his garners the beauty and interest of the lands over which he journeyed, that he was careless of comfort and health. Calabria, Sicily, the Desert of Sinai, Egypt and Nubia, Greece and Albania, Palestine, Syria, Athos, Candia, Montenegro, Zagóri (who knows now where Zagóri is, or was?), were as thoroughly explored and sketched by him as the more civilized localities of Malta, Corsica, and Corfu. He read insatiably before starting all the recognized guide-books and histories of the country he intended to draw; and his published itineraries are marked by great strength and literary interest quite irrespectively of the illustrations. And he had his reward. It is not any ordinary journalist and sketcher who could have compelled from Tennyson such a tribute as lines "To E.L. on his Travels in Greece":-- "Illyrian woodlands, echoing falls Of water, sheets of summer glass, The long divine Peneïan pass, The vast Akrokeraunian walls, "Tomohrit, Athos, all things fair, With such a pencil, such a pen, You shadow forth to distant men, I read and felt that I was there." Lear was a man to whom, as to Tennyson's Ulysses, "All experience is an arch wherethrough Gleams that untravelled world." After settling at San Remo, and when he was nearly sixty years old, he determined to visit India and Ceylon. He started once and failed, being taken so ill at Suez that he was obliged to return. The next year he succeeded, and brought away some thousands of drawings of the most striking views from all three Presidencies and from the tropical island. His appetite for travel continued to grow with what it fed upon; and although he hated a long sea-voyage, he used seriously to contemplate as possible a visit to relations in New Zealand. It may safely, however, be averred that no considerations would have tempted him to visit the Arctic regions. A hard-working life, checkered by the odd adventures which happen to the odd and the adventurous and pass over the commonplace; a career brightened by the high appreciation of unimpeachable critics; lightened, till of late, by the pleasant society and good wishes of innumerable friends; saddened by the growing pressure of ill health and solitude; cheered by his constant trust in the love and sympathy of those who knew him best, however far away,--such was the life of Edward Lear. --_The London Saturday Review,_ Feb. 4, 1888. Among the writers who have striven with varying success during the last thirty or forty years to awaken the merriment of the "rising generation" of the time being, Mr. Edward Lear occupies the first place in seniority, if not in merit. The parent of modern nonsense-writers, he is distinguished from all his followers and imitators by the superior consistency with which he has adhered to his aim,--that of amusing his readers by fantastic absurdities, as void of vulgarity or cynicism as they are incapable of being made to harbor any symbolical meaning. He "never deviates into sense;" but those who appreciate him never feel the need of such deviation. He has a genius for coining absurd names and words, which, even when they are suggested by the exigencies of his metre, have a ludicrous appropriateness to the matter in hand. His verse is, with the exception of a certain number of cockney rhymes, wonderfully flowing and even melodious--or, as he would say, _meloobious_--while to all these qualifications for his task must finally be added the happy gift of pictorial expression, enabling him to double, nay, often to quadruple, the laughable effect of his text by an inexhaustible profusion of the quaintest designs. Generally speaking, these designs are, as it were, an idealization of the efforts of a clever child; but now and then--as in the case of the nonsense-botany--Mr. Lear reminds us what a genuine and graceful artist he really is. The advantage to a humorist of being able to illustrate his own text has been shown in the case of Thackeray and Mr. W.S. Gilbert, to mention two familiar examples; but in no other instance of such a combination have we discovered such geniality as is to be found in the nonsense-pictures of Mr. Lear. We have spoken above of the melodiousness of Mr. Lear's verses, a quality which renders them excellently suitable for musical setting, and which has not escaped the notice of the author himself. We have also heard effective arrangements, presumably by other composers, of the adventures of the Table and the Chair, and of the cruise of the Owl and the Pussy-cat,--the latter introduced into the "drawing-room entertainment" of one of the followers of John Parry. Indeed, in these days of adaptations, it is to be wondered at that no enterprising librettist has attempted to build a children's comic opera out of the materials supplied in the four books with which we are now concerned. The first of these, originally published in 1846, and brought out in an enlarged form in 1863, is exclusively devoted to nonsense-verses of one type. Mr. Lear is careful to disclaim the credit of having created this type, for he tells us in the preface to his third book that "the lines beginning, 'There was an old man of Tobago,' were suggested to me by a valued friend, as a form of verse leading itself to limitless variety for Rhymes and Pictures." Dismissing the further question of the authorship of "There was an old man of Tobago," we propose to give a few specimens of Mr. Lear's Protean powers as exhibited in the variation of this simple type. Here, to begin with, is a favorite verse, which we are very glad to have an opportunity of giving, as it is often incorrectly quoted, "cocks" being substituted for "owls" in the third line: "There was an Old Man with a beard, Who said, 'It is just as I feared! Two Owls and a Hen, four Larks and a Wren, Have all built their nests in my beard!'" With the kindly fatalism which is the distinctive note of the foregoing stanza, the sentiment of our next extract is in vivid contrast:-- "There was an Old Man in a tree, Who was terribly bored by a bee; When they said, 'Does it buzz?' he replied, 'Yes, it does! It's a regular brute of a Bee.'" To the foregoing verse an historic interest attaches, if, that is, we are right in supposing it to have inspired Mr. Gilbert with his famous "Nonsense-Rhyme in Blank Verse." We quote from memory:-- "There was an Old Man of St. Bees, Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. When they asked, 'Does it hurt?' he replied, 'No, it doesn't, But I thought all the while 'twas a Hornet!'" Passing over the lines referring to the "Young Person" of Crete to whom the epithet "ombliferous" is applied, we may be pardoned--on the ground of the geographical proximity of the two countries named--for quoting together two stanzas which in reality are separated by a good many pages:-- "There was a Young Lady of Norway, Who casually sat in a doorway; When the doors queezed her flat, she exclaimed, 'What of that?' This courageous young person of Norway." "There was a Young Lady of Sweden, Who went by the slow train to Weedon; When they cried, 'Weedon Station!' she made no observation, But thought she should go back to Sweden." A noticeable feature about this first book, and one which we think is peculiar to it, is the harsh treatment which the eccentricities of the inhabitants of certain towns appear to have met with at the hands of their fellow-residents. No less than three people are "smashed,"--the Old Man of Whitehaven "who danced a quadrille with a Raven;" the Old Person of Buda; and the Old Man with a gong "who bumped at it all the day long," though in the last-named case we admit that there was considerable provocation. Before quitting the first "Nonsense-Book," we would point out that it contains one or two forms that are interesting; for instance, "scroobious," which we take to be a Portmanteau word, and "spickle-speckled," a favorite form of reduplication with Mr. Lear, and of which the best specimen occurs in his last book, "He tinkledy-binkledy-winkled the bell." The second book, published in 1871, shows Mr. Lear in the maturity of sweet desipience, and will perhaps remain the favorite volume of the four to grown-up readers. The nonsense-songs are all good, and "The Story of the Four little Children who went Round the World" is the most exquisite piece of imaginative absurdity that the present writer is acquainted with. But before coming to that, let us quote a few lines from "The Jumblies," who, as all the world knows, went to sea in a sieve:-- "They sailed to the Western Sea, they did, To a land all covered with trees. And they bought an Owl, and a useful Cart, And a pound of Rice, and a Cranberry Tart, And a hive of silvery Bees. And they bought a Pig, and some green Jack-Daws, And a lovely Monkey with lollipop paws, And forty bottles of Ring-Bo-Ree, And no end of Stilton Cheese. _Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live. Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a sieve._ And in twenty years they all came back, In twenty years or more, And every one said, 'How tall they've grown! For they've been to the Lakes, and the Torrible Zone, And the hills of the Chankly Bore.'" From the pedestrian excursion of the Table and the Chair, we cannot resist making a brief quotation, though in this, as in every case, the inability to quote the drawings also is a sad drawback:-- "So they both went slowly down, And walked about the town, With a cheerful bumpy sound, As they toddled round and round. And everybody cried, As they hastened to their side, 'See, the Table and the Chair Have come out to take the air!' "But in going down an alley To a castle in a valley, They completely lost their way, And wandered all the day, Till, to see them safely back, They paid a Ducky-Quack, And a Beetle and a Mouse, Who took them to their house. "Then they whispered to each other, 'O delightful little brother, What a lovely walk we've taken! Let us dine on Beans and Bacon!' So the Ducky and the leetle Browny-Mousy, and the Beetle Dined, and danced upon their heads, Till they toddled to their beds." "The Story of the Four little Children who went Round the World" follows next, and the account of the manner in which they occupied themselves while on shipboard may be transcribed for the benefit of those unfortunate persons who have not perused the original: "During the day-time Violet chiefly occupied herself in putting salt-water into a churn, while her three brothers churned it violently in the hope it would turn into butter, which it seldom if ever did." After journeying for a time, they saw some land at a distance, "and when they came to it they found it was an island made of water quite surrounded by earth. Besides that it was bordered by evanescent isthmuses with a great Gulf-Stream running about all over it, so that it was perfectly beautiful, and contained only a single tree, five hundred and three feet high." In a later passage, we read how "by-and-by the children came to a country where there were no houses, but only an incredibly innumerable number of large bottles without corks, and of a dazzling and sweetly susceptible blue color. Each of these blue bottles contained a bluebottlefly, and all these interesting animals live continually together in the most copious and rural harmony, nor perhaps in many parts of the world is such perfect and abject happiness to be found." Our last quotation from this inimitable recital shall be from the description of their adventure on a great plain where they espied an object which "on a nearer approach and on an accurately cutaneous inspection, seemed to be somebody in a large white wig sitting on an arm-chair made of sponge-cake and oyster-shells." This turned out to be the "Co-operative Cauliflower," who, "while the whole party from the boat was gazing at him with mingled affection and disgust ... suddenly arose, and in a somewhat plumdomphious manner hurried off towards the setting sun, his steps supported by two superincumbent confidential cucumbers ... till he finally disappeared on the brink of the western sky in a crystal cloud of sudorific sand. So remarkable a sight of course impressed the four children very deeply; and they returned immediately to their boat with a strong sense of undeveloped asthma and a great appetite." In his third book, Mr. Lear takes occasion in an entertaining preface to repudiate the charge of harboring any ulterior motive beyond that of "Nonsense pure and absolute" in any of his verses or pictures, and tells a delightful anecdote illustrative of the "persistently absurd report" that the Earl of Derby was the author of the first book of "Nonsense." In this volume he reverts once more to the familiar form adopted in his original efforts, and with little falling off. It is to be remarked that the third division is styled "Twenty-Six Nonsense Rhymes and Pictures," although there is no more rhyme than reason in any of the set. Our favorite illustrations are those of the "Scroobious Snake who always wore a Hat on his Head, for fear he should bite anybody," and the "Visibly Vicious Vulture who wrote some Verses to a Veal-cutlet in a Volume bound in Vellum." In the fourth and last of Mr. Lear's books, we meet not only with familiar words, but personages and places,--old friends like the Jumblies, the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, the Quangle Wangle, the hills of the Chankly Bore, and the great Gromboolian plain, as well as new creations, such as the Dong with a luminous Nose, whose story is a sort of nonsense version of the love of Nausicaa for Ulysses, only that the sexes are inverted. In these verses, graceful fancy is so subtly interwoven with nonsense as almost to beguile us into feeling a real interest in Mr. Lear's absurd creations. So again in the Pelican chorus there are some charming lines:-- "By day we fish, and at eve we stand On long bare islands of yellow sand. And when the sun sinks slowly down, And the great rock-walls grow dark and brown, When the purple river rolls fast and dim, And the ivory Ibis starlike skim, Wing to wing we dance around," etc. The other nonsense-poems are all good, but we have no space for further quotation, and will take leave of our subject by propounding the following set of examination questions which a friend who is deeply versed in Mr. Lear's books has drawn up for us:-- 1. What do you gather from a study of Mr. Lear's works to have been the prevalent characteristics of the inhabitants of Gretna, Prague, Thermopylae, Wick, and Hong Kong? 2. State briefly what historical events are connected with Ischia, Chertsey, Whitehaven, Boulak, and Jellibolee. 3. Comment, with illustrations, upon Mr. Lear's use of the following words: Runcible, propitious, dolomphious, borascible, fizzgiggious, himmeltanious, tumble-dum-down, spongetaneous. 4. Enumerate accurately all the animals who lived on the Quangle Wangle's Hat, and explain how the Quangle Wangle was enabled at once to enlighten his five travelling companions as to the true nature of the Co-operative Cauliflower. 5. What were the names of the five daughters of the Old Person of China, and what was the purpose for which the Old Man of the Dargle purchased six barrels of Gargle? 6. Collect notices of King Xerxes in Mr. Lear's works, and state your theory, if you have any, as to the character and appearance of Nupiter Piffkin. 7. Draw pictures of the Plum-pudding flea, and the Moppsikon Floppsikon Bear, and state by whom waterproof tubs were first used. 8. "There was an old man at a station Who made a promiscuous oration." What bearing may we assume the foregoing couplet to have upon Mr. Lear's political views? --_The London Spectator_. * * * * * A BOOK OF NONSENSE by EDWARD LEAR. With All the Original Pictures and Verses [Illustration] There was an Old Derry down Derry, who loved to see little folks merry; So he made them a Book, and with laughter they shook At the fun of that Derry down Derry. Original Dedication. TO THE GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, GRAND-NEPHEWS, AND GRAND-NIECES OF EDWARD, 13TH EARL OF DERBY, THIS BOOK OF DRAWINGS AND VERSES (The greater part of which were originally made and composed for their parents.) Is Dedicated by the Author, EDWARD LEAR. London, 1862. * * * * * [Illustration] There was an Old Man with a nose, Who said, "If you choose to suppose That my nose is too long, you are certainly wrong!" That remarkable Man with a nose. [Illustration] There was a Young Person of Smyrna, Whose Grandmother threatened to burn her; But she seized on the Cat, and said, "Granny, burn that! You incongruous Old Woman of Smyrna!" [Illustration] There was an Old Man on a hill, Who seldom, if ever, stood still; He ran up and down in his Grandmother's gown, Which adorned that Old Man on a hill. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Chili, Whose conduct was painful and silly; He sate on the stairs, eating apples and pears, That imprudent Old Person of Chili. [Illustration] There was an Old Man with a gong, Who bumped at it all the day long; But they called out, "Oh, law! you're a horrid old bore!" So they smashed that Old Man with a gong. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Kilkenny, Who never had more than a penny; He spent all that money in onions and honey, That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Columbia, Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer; But they brought it quite hot, in a small copper pot, Which disgusted that man of Columbia. [Illustration] There was an Old Man in a tree, Who was horribly bored by a Bee; When they said, "Does it buzz?" he replied, "Yes, it does! It's a regular brute of a Bee." [Illustration] There was an Old Lady of Chertsey, Who made a remarkable curtsey; She twirled round and round, till she sank underground, Which distressed all the people of Chertsey. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady whose chin Resembled the point of a pin; So she had it made sharp, and purchased a harp, And played several tunes with her chin. [Illustration] There was an Old Man with a flute,-- A "sarpint" ran into his boot! But he played day and night, till the "sarpint" took flight, And avoided that Man with a flute. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Portugal, Whose ideas were excessively nautical; She climbed up a tree to examine the sea, But declared she would never leave Portugal. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Ischia, Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier; He danced hornpipes and jigs, and ate thousands of figs, That lively Old Person of Ischia [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Vienna, Who lived upon Tincture of Senna; When that did not agree, he took Camomile Tea, That nasty Old Man of Vienna. [Illustraion] There was an Old Man in a boat, Who said, "I'm afloat! I'm afloat!" When they said, "No, you ain't!" he was ready to faint, That unhappy Old Man in a boat. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Buda, Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder, Till at last with a hammer they silenced his clamor. By smashing that Person of Buda. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Moldavia, Who had the most curious behavior; For while he was able, he slept on a table, That funny Old Man of Moldavia. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Hurst, Who drank when he was not athirst; When they said, "You'll grow fatter!" he answered "What matter?" That globular Person of Hurst. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Madras, Who rode on a cream-colored Ass; But the length of its ears so promoted his fears, That it killed that Old Man of Madras. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Dover, Who rushed through a field of blue clover; But some very large Bees stung his nose and his knees, So he very soon went back to Dover. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Leeds, Whose head was infested with beads; She sat on a stool and ate gooseberry-fool, Which agreed with that Person of Leeds. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Cadiz, Who was always polite to all ladies; But in handing his daughter, he fell into the water, Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the Isles, Whose face was pervaded with smiles; He sang "High dum diddle," and played on the fiddle, That amiable Man of the Isles. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Basing, Whose presence of mind was amazing; He purchased a steed, which he rode at full speed, And escaped from the people of Basing. [Illustration] There was an Old Man who supposed That the street door was partially closed; But some very large Rats ate his coats and his hats, While that futile Old Gentleman dozed. [Illustration] There was an Old Person whose habits Induced him to feed upon Rabbits; When he'd eaten eighteen, he turned perfectly green, Upon which he relinquished those habits. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the West, Who wore a pale plum-colored vest; When they said, "Does it fit?" he replied, "Not a bit!" That uneasy Old Man of the West. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Marseilles, Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils: They caught several Fish, which they put in a dish, And sent to their Pa at Marseilles. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the Wrekin, Whose shoes made a horrible creaking; But they said, "Tell us whether your shoes are of leather, Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?" [Illustration] There was a Young Lady whose nose Was so long that it reached to her toes; So she hired an Old Lady, whose conduct was steady, To carry that wonderful nose. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Norway, Who casually sat in a doorway; When the door squeezed her flat, she exclaimed, "What of that?" This courageous Young Lady of Norway. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Apulia, Whose conduct was very peculiar; He fed twenty sons upon nothing but buns, That whimsical Man of Apulia. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Quebec,-- A beetle ran over his neck; But he cried, "With a needle I'll slay you, O beadle!" That angry Old Man of Quebec. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Bute, Who played on a silver-gilt flute; She played several jigs to her Uncle's white Pigs: That amusing Young Lady of Bute. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Philoe, Whose conduct was scroobious and wily; He rushed up a Palm when the weather was calm, And observed all the ruins of Philoe. [Illustration] There was an Old Man with a poker, Who painted his face with red ochre. When they said, "You 're a Guy!" he made no reply, But knocked them all down with his poker. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Prague, Who was suddenly seized with the plague; But they gave him some butter, which caused him to mutter, And cured that Old Person of Prague. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Peru, Who watched his wife making a stew; But once, by mistake, in a stove she did bake That unfortunate Man of Peru. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the North, Who fell into a basin of broth; But a laudable cook fished him out with a hook, Which saved that Old Man of the North. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Troy, Whose drink was warm brandy and soy, Which he took with a spoon, by the light of the moon, In sight of the city of Troy. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Mold, Who shrank from sensations of cold; So he purchased some muffs, some furs, and some fluffs, And wrapped himself well from the cold. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Tring, Who embellished his nose with a ring; He gazed at the moon every evening in June, That ecstatic Old Person of Tring. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Nepaul, From his horse had a terrible fall; But, though split quite in two, with some very strong glue They mended that man of Nepaul. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the Nile, Who sharpened his nails with a file, Till he cut off his thumbs, and said calmly, "This comes Of sharpening one's nails with a file!" [Illustration] There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi, So blind that he couldn't his foot see; When they said, "That's your toe," he replied, "Is it so?" That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Calcutta, Who perpetually ate bread and butter; Till a great bit of muffin, on which he was stuffing, Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Rhodes, Who strongly objected to toads; He paid several cousins to catch them by dozens, That futile Old Person of Rhodes. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the South, Who had an immoderate mouth; But in swallowing a dish that was quite full of Fish, He was choked, that Old Man of the South. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Melrose, Who walked on the tips of his toes; But they said, "It ain't pleasant to see you at present, You stupid Old Man of Melrose." [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the Dee, Who was sadly annoyed by a Flea; When he said, "I will scratch it!" they gave him a hatchet, Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Lucca, Whose lovers completely forsook her; She ran up a tree, and said "Fiddle-de-dee!" Which embarrassed the people of Lucca. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Coblenz, The length of whose legs was immense; He went with one prance from Turkey to France, That surprising Old Man of Coblenz. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Bohemia, Whose daughter was christened Euphemia; But one day, to his grief, she married a thief, Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Corfu, Who never knew what he should do; So he rushed up and down, till the sun made him brown, That bewildered Old Man of Corfu. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Vesuvius, Who studied the works of Vitruvius; When the flames burnt his book, to drinking he took, That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Dundee, Who frequented the top of a tree; When disturbed by the Crows, he abruptly arose, And exclaimed, "I'll return to Dundee!" [Illustration] There was an Old Lady whose folly Induced her to sit in a holly; Whereon, by a thorn her dress being torn, She quickly became melancholy. [Illustration] There was an Old Man on some rocks, Who shut his Wife up in a box: When she said, "Let me out," he exclaimed, "Without doubt You will pass all your life in that box." [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Rheims, Who was troubled with horrible dreams; So to keep him awake they fed him with cake, Which amused that Old Person of Rheims. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Leghorn, The smallest that ever was born; But quickly snapt up he was once by a Puppy, Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn. [Illustration] There was an Old Man in a pew, Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue; But he tore it in pieces, to give to his Nieces, That cheerful Old Man in a pew. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Jamaica, Who suddenly married a Quaker; But she cried out, "Oh, lack! I have married a black!" Which distressed that Old Man of Jamaica. [Illustration] There was an Old Man who said, "How Shall I flee from this horrible Cow? I will sit on this stile, and continue to smile, Which may soften the heart of that Cow." [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Troy, Whom several large flies did annoy; Some she killed with a thump, some she drowned at the pump, And some she took with her to Troy. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Hull, Who was chased by a virulent Bull; But she seized on a spade, and called out, "Who's afraid?" Which distracted that virulent Bull. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Dutton, Whose head was as small as a button; So to make it look big he purchased a wig, And rapidly rushed about Dutton. [Illustration] There was an Old Man who said, "Hush! I perceive a young bird in this bush!" When they said, "Is it small?" he replied, "Not at all; It is four times as big as the bush!" [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Russia, Who screamed so that no one could hush her; Her screams were extreme,--no one heard such a scream As was screamed by that Lady of Russia. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Tyre, Who swept the loud chords of a lyre; At the sound of each sweep she enraptured the deep, And enchanted the city of Tyre. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Bangor, Whose face was distorted with anger; He tore off his boots, and subsisted on roots, That borascible Person of Bangor. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the East, Who gave all his children a feast; But they all ate so much, and their conduct was such, That it killed that Old Man of the East. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the Coast, Who placidly sat on a post; But when it was cold he relinquished his hold, And called for some hot buttered toast. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Kamschatka, Who possessed a remarkably fat Cur; His gait and his waddle were held as a model To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Gretna, Who rushed down the crater of Etna; When they said, "Is it hot?" he replied, "No, it's not!" That mendacious Old Person of Gretna. [Illustration] There was an Old Man with a beard, Who sat on a Horse when he reared; But they said, "Never mind! you will fall off behind, You propitious Old Man with a beard!" [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Berlin, Whose form was uncommonly thin; Till he once, by mistake, was mixed up in a cake, So they baked that Old Man of Berlin. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the West, Who never could get any rest; So they set him to spin on his nose and his chin, Which cured that Old Man of the West. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Cheadle Was put in the stocks by the Beadle For stealing some pigs, some coats, and some wigs, That horrible person of Cheadle. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Anerley, Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly; He rushed down the Strand with a Pig in each hand, But returned in the evening to Anerley. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Wales, Who caught a large Fish without scales; When she lifted her hook, she exclaimed, "Only look!" That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Welling, Whose praise all the world was a-telling; She played on the harp, and caught several Carp, That accomplished Young Lady of Welling. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Tartary, Who divided his jugular artery; But he screeched to his Wife, and she said, "Oh, my life! Your death will be felt by all Tartary!" [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Whitehaven, Who danced a quadrille with a Raven; But they said, "It's absurd to encourage this bird!" So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Sweden, Who went by the slow train to Weedon; When they cried, "Weedon Station!" she made no observation, But thought she should go back to Sweden. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Chester, Whom several small children did pester; They threw some large stones, which broke most of his bones, And displeased that Old Person of Chester. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the Cape, Who possessed a large Barbary Ape; Till the Ape, one dark night, set the house all alight, Which burned that Old Man of the Cape. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Burton, Whose answers were rather uncertain; When they said, "How d' ye do?" he replied, "Who are you?" That distressing Old Person of Burton. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Ems Who casually fell in the Thames; And when he was found, they said he was drowned, That unlucky Old Person of Ems. [Illustration] There was a Young Girl of Majorca, Whose Aunt was a very fast walker; She walked seventy miles, and leaped fifteen stiles, Which astonished that Girl of Majorca. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Poole, Whose soup was excessively cool; So she put it to boil by the aid of some oil, That ingenious Young Lady of Poole. [Illustration] There was an Old Lady of Prague, Whose language was horribly vague; When they said, "Are these caps?" she answered, "Perhaps!" That oracular Lady of Prague. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Parma, Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer: When they said, "Are you dumb?" she merely said, "Hum!" That provoking Young Lady of Parma. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Sparta, Who had twenty-five sons and one "darter;" He fed them on Snails, and weighed them in scales, That wonderful Person of Sparta. [Illustration] There was an Old Man on whose nose Most birds of the air could repose; But they all flew away at the closing of day, Which relieved that Old Man and his nose. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Turkey, Who wept when the weather was murky; When the day turned out fine, she ceased to repine, That capricious Young Lady of Turkey. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Aôsta Who possessed a large Cow, but he lost her; But they said, "Don't you see she has run up a tree, You invidious Old Man of Aôsta?" [Illustration] There was a Young Person of Crete, Whose toilette was far from complete; She dressed in a sack spickle-speckled with black, That ombliferous Person of Crete. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Clare, Who was madly pursued by a Bear; When she found she was tired, she abruptly expired, That unfortunate Lady of Clare. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Dorking, Who bought a large bonnet for walking; But its color and size so bedazzled her eyes, That she very soon went back to Dorking. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Cape Horn, Who wished he had never been born; So he sat on a Chair till he died of despair, That dolorous Man of Cape Horn. [Illustration] There was an old Person of Cromer, Who stood on one leg to read Homer; When he found he grew stiff, he jumped over the cliff, Which concluded that Person of Cromer. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of the Hague, Whose ideas were excessively vague; He built a balloon to examine the moon, That deluded Old Man of the Hague. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Spain, Who hated all trouble and pain; So he sate on a chair with his feet in the air, That umbrageous Old Person of Spain. [Illustration] There was an Old Man who said, "Well! Will _nobody_ answer this bell? I have pulled day and night, till my hair has grown white, But nobody answers this bell!" [Illustration] There was an Old Man with an Owl, Who continued to bother and howl; He sat on a rail, and imbibed bitter ale, Which refreshed that Old Man and his Owl. [Illustration] There was an Old Man in a casement, Who held up his hands in amazement; When they said, "Sir, you'll fall!" he replied, "Not at all!" That incipient Old Man in a casement. [Illustration] There was an Old Person of Ewell, Who chiefly subsisted on gruel; But to make it more nice, he inserted some Mice, Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell. [Illustration] There was an Old Man of Peru. Who never knew what he should do; So he tore off his hair, and behaved like a bear, That intrinsic Old Man of Peru. [Illustration] There was an Old Man with a beard, Who said, "It is just as I feared!-- Two Owls and a Hen, four Larks and a Wren, Have all built their nests in my beard." [Illustration] There was a Young Lady whose eyes Were unique as to color and size; When she opened them wide, people all turned aside, And started away in surprise. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady of Ryde, Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied; She purchased some clogs, and some small spotty Dogs, And frequently walked about Ryde. [Illustration] There was a Young Lady whose bonnet Came untied when the birds sate upon it; But she said, "I don't care! all the birds in the air Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!" * * * * * NONSENSE SONGS Stories, Botany, and Alphabets by EDWARD LEAR. With One Hundred and Fifty Illustrations [Illustration] CONTENTS. NONSENSE SONGS. THE OWL AND THE PUSSY-CAT THE DUCK AND THE KANGAROO THE DADDY LONG-LEGS AND THE FLY THE JUMBLIES THE NUTCRACKERS AND THE SUGAR-TONGS CALICO PIE MR. AND MRS. SPIKKY SPARROW THE BROOM, THE SHOVEL, THE POKER, AND THE TONGS THE TABLE AND THE CHAIR NONSENSE STORIES. THE STORY OF THE FOUR LITTLE CHILDREN WHO WENT ROUND THE WORLD THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES OF THE LAKE PIPPLE-POPPLE NONSENSE COOKERY NONSENSE BOTANY NONSENSE ALPHABET, No. 1 " " No. 2 " " No. 3 NONSENSE SONGS. THE OWL AND THE PUSSY-CAT. [Illustration] I. The Owl and the Pussy-Cat went to sea In a beautiful pea-green boat: They took some honey, and plenty of money Wrapped up in a five-pound note. The Owl looked up to the stars above, And sang to a small guitar, "O lovely Pussy, O Pussy, my love, What a beautiful Pussy you are, You are, You are! What a beautiful Pussy you are!" II. Pussy said to the Owl, "You elegant fowl, How charmingly sweet you sing! Oh! let us be married; too long we have tarried: But what shall we do for a ring?" They sailed away, for a year and a day, To the land where the bong-tree grows; And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood, With a ring at the end of his nose, His nose, His nose, With a ring at the end of his nose. III. "Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling Your ring?" Said the Piggy, "I will." So they took it away, and were married next day By the Turkey who lives on the hill. They dined on mince and slices of quince, Which they ate with a runcible spoon; And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, They danced by the light of the moon, The moon, The moon, They danced by the light of the moon. [Illustration] THE DUCK AND THE KANGAROO. [Illustration] I. Said the Duck to the Kangaroo, "Good gracious! how you hop Over the fields, and the water too, As if you never would stop! My life is a bore in this nasty pond; And I long to go out in the world beyond: I wish I could hop like you," Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. II. "Please give me a ride on your back," Said the Duck to the Kangaroo: "I would sit quite still, and say nothing but 'Quack' The whole of the long day through; And we 'd go the Dee, and the Jelly Bo Lee, Over the land, and over the sea: Please take me a ride! oh, do!" Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. [Illustration] III. Said the Kangaroo to the Duck, "This requires some little reflection. Perhaps, on the whole, it might bring me luck; And there seems but one objection; Which is, if you'll let me speak so bold, Your feet are unpleasantly wet and cold, And would probably give me the roo- Matiz," said the Kangaroo. [Illustration] IV. Said the Duck, "As I sate on the rocks, I have thought over that completely; And I bought four pairs of worsted socks, Which fit my web-feet neatly; And, to keep out the cold, I've bought a cloak; And every day a cigar I'll smoke; All to follow my own dear true Love of a Kangaroo." V. Said the Kangaroo, "I'm ready, All in the moonlight pale; But to balance me well, dear Duck, sit steady, And quite at the end of my tail." So away they went with a hop and a bound; And they hopped the whole world three times round. And who so happy, oh! who, As the Duck and the Kangaroo? [Illustration] THE DADDY LONG-LEGS AND THE FLY. [Illustration] I. Once Mr. Daddy Long-legs, Dressed in brown and gray, Walked about upon the sands Upon a summer's day: And there among the pebbles, When the wind was rather cold, He met with Mr. Floppy Fly, All dressed in blue and gold; And, as it was too soon to dine, They drank some periwinkle-wine, And played an hour or two, or more, At battlecock and shuttledore. II. Said Mr. Daddy Long-legs To Mr. Floppy Fly, "Why do you never come to court? I wish you 'd tell me why. All gold and shine, in dress so fine, You'd quite delight the court. Why do you never go at all? I really think you _ought_. And, if you went, you'd see such sights! Such rugs and jugs and candle-lights! And, more than all, the king and queen,-- One in red, and one in green." III. "O Mr. Daddy Long-legs!" Said Mr. Floppy Fly, "It's true I never go to court; And I will tell you why. If I had six long legs like yours, At once I'd go to court; But, oh! I can't, because _my_ legs Are so extremely short. And I'm afraid the king and queen (One in red, and one in green) Would say aloud, 'You are not fit, You Fly, to come to court a bit!'" IV. "Oh, Mr. Daddy Long-legs!" Said Mr. Floppy Fly, "I wish you 'd sing one little song, One mumbian melody. You used to sing so awful well In former days gone by; But now you never sing at all: I wish you'd tell me why: For, if you would, the silvery sound Would please the shrimps and cockles round, And all the crabs would gladly come To hear you sing, 'Ah, Hum di Hum!'" V. Said Mr. Daddy Long-legs, "I can never sing again; And, if you wish, I'll tell you why, Although it gives me pain. For years I cannot hum a bit, Or sing the smallest song; And this the dreadful reason is,-- My legs are grown too long! My six long legs, all here and there, Oppress my bosom with despair; And, if I stand or lie or sit, I cannot sing one single bit!" VI. So Mr. Daddy Long-legs And Mr. Floppy Fly Sat down in silence by the sea, And gazed upon the sky. They said, "This is a dreadful thing! The world has all gone wrong, Since one has legs too short by half, The other much too long. One never more can go to court, Because his legs have grown too short; The other cannot sing a song, Because his legs have grown too long!" VII. Then Mr. Daddy Long-legs And Mr. Floppy Fly Rushed downward to the foamy sea With one sponge-taneous cry: And there they found a little boat, Whose sails were pink and gray; And off they sailed among the waves, Far and far away: They sailed across the silent main, And reached the great Gromboolian Plain; And there they play forevermore At battlecock and shuttledore. [Illustration] THE JUMBLIES. [Illustration] I. They went to sea in a sieve, they did; In a sieve they went to sea: In spite of all their friends could say, On a winter's morn, on a stormy day, In a sieve they went to sea. And when the sieve turned round and round, And every one cried, "You'll all be drowned!" They called aloud, "Our sieve ain't big; But we don't care a button, we don't care a fig: In a sieve we'll go to sea!" Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live: Their heads are green, and their hands are blue And they went to sea in a sieve. II. They sailed away in a sieve, they did, In a sieve they sailed so fast, With only a beautiful pea-green veil Tied with a ribbon, by way of a sail, To a small tobacco-pipe mast. And every one said who saw them go, "Oh! won't they be soon upset, you know? For the sky is dark, and the voyage is long; And, happen what may, it's extremely wrong In a sieve to sail so fast." Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live: Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; And they went to sea in a sieve. III. The water it soon came in, it did; The water it soon came in: So, to keep them dry, they wrapped their feet In a pinky paper all folded neat; And they fastened it down with a pin. And they passed the night in a crockery-jar; And each of them said, "How wise we are! Though the sky be dark, and the voyage be long, Yet we never can think we were rash or wrong, While round in our sieve we spin." Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live: Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; And they went to sea in a sieve. IV. And all night long they sailed away; And when the sun went down, They whistled and warbled a moony song To the echoing sound of a coppery gong, In the shade of the mountains brown. "O Timballoo! How happy we are When we live in a sieve and a crockery-jar! And all night long, in the moonlight pale, We sail away with a pea-green sail In the shade of the mountains brown." Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live: Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; And they went to sea in a sieve. V. They sailed to the Western Sea, they did,-- To a land all covered with trees: And they bought an owl, and a useful cart, And a pound of rice, and a cranberry-tart, And a hive of silvery bees; And they bought a pig, and some green jackdaws, And a lovely monkey with lollipop paws, And forty bottles of ring-bo-ree, And no end of Stilton cheese. Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live: Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; And they went to sea in a sieve. VI. And in twenty years they all came back,-- In twenty years or more; And every one said, "How tall they've grown! For they've been to the Lakes, and the Torrible Zone, And the hills of the Chankly Bore." And they drank their health, and gave them a feast Of dumplings made of beautiful yeast; And every one said, "If we only live, We, too, will go to sea in a sieve, To the hills of the Chankly Bore." Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live: Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; And they went to sea in a sieve. THE NUTCRACKERS AND THE SUGAR-TONGS. [Illustration] I. The Nutcrackers sate by a plate on the table; The Sugar-tongs sate by a plate at his side; And the Nutcrackers said, "Don't you wish we were able Along the blue hills and green meadows to ride? Must we drag on this stupid existence forever, So idle and weary, so full of remorse, While every one else takes his pleasure, and never Seems happy unless he is riding a horse? II. "Don't you think we could ride without being instructed, Without any saddle or bridle or spur? Our legs are so long, and so aptly constructed, I'm sure that an accident could not occur. Let us all of a sudden hop down from the table, And hustle downstairs, and each jump on a horse! Shall we try? Shall we go? Do you think we are able?" The Sugar-tongs answered distinctly, "Of course!" III. So down the long staircase they hopped in a minute; The Sugar-tongs snapped, and the Crackers said "Crack!" The stable was open; the horses were in it: Each took out a pony, and jumped on his back. The Cat in a fright scrambled out of the doorway; The Mice tumbled out of a bundle of hay; The brown and white Rats, and the black ones from Norway, Screamed out, "They are taking the horses away!" IV. The whole of the household was filled with amazement: The Cups and the Saucers danced madly about; The Plates and the Dishes looked out of the casement; The Salt-cellar stood on his head with a shout; The Spoons, with a clatter, looked out of the lattice; The Mustard-pot climbed up the gooseberry-pies; The Soup-ladle peeped through a heap of veal-patties, And squeaked with a ladle-like scream of surprise. V. The Frying-pan said, "It's an awful delusion!" The Tea-kettle hissed, and grew black in the face; And they all rushed downstairs in the wildest confusion To see the great Nutcracker-Sugar-tong race. And out of the stable, with screamings and laughter (Their ponies were cream-colored, speckled with brown), The Nutcrackers first, and the Sugar-tongs after; Rode all round the yard, and then all round the town. VI. They rode through the street, and they rode by the station; They galloped away to the beautiful shore; In silence they rode, and "made no observation," Save this: "We will never go back any more!" And still you might hear, till they rode out of hearing, The Sugar-tongs snap, and the Crackers say "Crack!" Till, far in the distance their forms disappearing, They faded away; and they never came back! CALICO PIE. [Illustration] I. Calico pie, The little birds fly Down to the calico-tree: Their wings were blue, And they sang "Tilly-loo!" Till away they flew; And they never came back to me! They never came back, They never came back, They never came back to me! II. Calico jam, The little Fish swam Over the Syllabub Sea. He took off his hat To the Sole and the Sprat, And the Willeby-wat: But he never came back to me; He never came back, He never came back, He never came back to me. [Illustration] III. Calico ban, The little Mice ran To be ready in time for tea; Flippity flup, They drank it all up, And danced in the cup: But they never came back to me; They never came back, They never came back, They never came back to me. [Illustration] IV. Calico drum, The Grasshoppers come, The Butterfly, Beetle, and Bee, Over the ground, Around and round, With a hop and a bound; But they never came back, They never came back, They never came back. They never came back to me. [Illustration] MR. AND MRS. SPIKKY SPARROW. [Illustration] I. On a little piece of wood Mr. Spikky Sparrow stood: Mrs. Sparrow sate close by, A-making of an insect-pie For her little children five, In the nest and all alive; Singing with a cheerful smile, To amuse them all the while, "Twikky wikky wikky wee, Wikky bikky twikky tee, Spikky bikky bee!" II. Mrs. Spikky Sparrow said, "Spikky, darling! in my head Many thoughts of trouble come, Like to flies upon a plum. All last night, among the trees, I heard you cough, I heard you sneeze; And thought I, 'It's come to that Because he does not wear a hat!' Chippy wippy sikky tee, Bikky wikky tikky mee, Spikky chippy wee! III. "Not that you are growing old; But the nights are growing cold. No one stays out all night long Without a hat: I'm sure it's wrong!" Mr. Spikky said, "How kind, Dear, you are, to speak your mind! All your life I wish you luck! You are, you are, a lovely duck! Witchy witchy witchy wee, Twitchy witchy witchy bee, Tikky tikky tee! IV. "I was also sad, and thinking, When one day I saw you winking, And I heard you sniffle-snuffle, And I saw your feathers ruffle: To myself I sadly said, 'She's neuralgia in her head! That dear head has nothing on it! Ought she not to wear a bonnet?' Witchy kitchy kitchy wee, Spikky wikky mikky bee, Chippy wippy chee! V. "Let us both fly up to town: There I'll buy you such a gown! Which, completely in the fashion, You shall tie a sky-blue sash on; And a pair of slippers neat To fit your darling little feet, So that you will look and feel Quite galloobious and genteel. Jikky wikky bikky see, Chicky bikky wikky bee, Twicky witchy wee!" VI. So they both to London went, Alighting on the Monument; Whence they flew down swiftly--pop! Into Moses' wholesale shop: There they bought a hat and bonnet, And a gown with spots upon it, A satin sash of Cloxam blue, And a pair of slippers too. Zikky wikky mikky bee, Witchy witchy mitchy kee, Sikky tikky wee! VII. Then, when so completely dressed, Back they flew, and reached their nest. Their children cried, "O ma and pa! How truly beautiful you are!" Said they, "We trust that cold or pain We shall never feel again; While, perched on tree or house or steeple, We now shall look like other people. Witchy witchy witchy wee, Twikky mikky bikky bee, Zikky sikky tee!" [Illustration] THE BROOM, THE SHOVEL, THE POKER, AND THE TONGS. [Illustration] I. The Broom and the Shovel, the Poker and Tongs, They all took a drive in the Park; And they each sang a song, ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! Before they went back in the dark. Mr. Poker he sate quite upright in the coach; Mr. Tongs made a clatter and clash; Miss Shovel was dressed all in black (with a brooch); Mrs. Broom was in blue (with a sash). Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! And they all sang a song. II. "O Shovely so lovely!" the Poker he sang, "You have perfectly conquered my heart. Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! If you're pleased with my song, I will feed you with cold apple-tart. When you scrape up the coals with a delicate sound, You enrapture my life with delight, Your nose is so shiny, your head is so round, And your shape is so slender and bright! Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! Ain't you pleased with my song?" III. "Alas! Mrs. Broom," sighed the Tongs in his song, "Oh! is it because I'm so thin, And my legs are so long,--ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong!-- That you don't care about me a pin? Ah! fairest of creatures, when sweeping the room, Ah! why don't you heed my complaint? Must you needs be so cruel, you beautiful Broom, Because you are covered with paint? Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! You are certainly wrong." IV. Mrs. Broom and Miss Shovel together they sang, "What nonsense you're singing to-day!" Said the Shovel, "I'll certainly hit you a bang!" Said the Broom, "And I'll sweep you away!" So the coachman drove homeward as fast as he could, Perceiving their anger with pain; But they put on the kettle, and little by little They all became happy again. Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! There's an end of my song. THE TABLE AND THE CHAIR. [Illustration] I. Said the Table to the Chair, "You can hardly be aware How I suffer from the heat And from chilblains on my feet. If we took a little walk, We might have a little talk; Pray let us take the air," Said the Table to the Chair. II. Said the Chair unto the Table, "Now, you _know_ we are not able: How foolishly you talk, When you know we _cannot_ walk!" Said the Table with a sigh, "It can do no harm to try. I've as many legs as you: Why can't we walk on two?" III. So they both went slowly down, And walked about the town With a cheerful bumpy sound As they toddled round and round; And everybody cried, As they hastened to their side, "See! the Table and the Chair Have come out to take the air!" IV. But in going down an alley, To a castle in a valley, They completely lost their way, And wandered all the day; Till, to see them safely back, They paid a Ducky-quack, And a Beetle, and a Mouse, Who took them to their house. [Illustration] V. Then they whispered to each other, "O delightful little brother, What a lovely walk we've taken! Let us dine on beans and bacon." So the Ducky and the leetle Browny-Mousy and the Beetle Dined, and danced upon their heads Till they toddled to their beds. [Illustration] * * * * * NONSENSE STORIES. THE STORY OF THE FOUR LITTLE CHILDREN WHO WENT ROUND THE WORLD. Once upon a time, a long while ago, there were four little people whose names were [Illustration] VIOLET, SLINGSBY, GUY, and LIONEL; and they all thought they should like to see the world. So they bought a large boat to sail quite round the world by sea, and then they were to come back on the other side by land. The boat was painted blue with green spots, and the sail was yellow with red stripes: and, when they set off, they only took a small Cat to steer and look after the boat, besides an elderly Quangle-Wangle, who had to cook the dinner and make the tea; for which purposes they took a large kettle. [Illustration] For the first ten days they sailed on beautifully, and found plenty to eat, as there were lots of fish; and they had only to take them out of the sea with a long spoon, when the Quangle-Wangle instantly cooked them; and the Pussy-Cat was fed with the bones, with which she expressed herself pleased, on the whole: so that all the party were very happy. During the daytime, Violet chiefly occupied herself in putting salt water into a churn; while her three brothers churned it violently, in the hope that it would turn into butter, which it seldom if ever did; and in the evening they all retired into the tea-kettle, where they all managed to sleep very comfortably, while Pussy and the Quangle-Wangle managed the boat. [Illustration] After a time, they saw some land at a distance; and, when they came to it, they found it was an island made of water quite surrounded by earth. Besides that, it was bordered by evanescent isthmuses, with a great gulf-stream running about all over it; so that it was perfectly beautiful, and contained only a single tree, 503 feet high. When they had landed, they walked about, but found, to their great surprise, that the island was quite full of veal-cutlets and chocolate-drops, and nothing else. So they all climbed up the single high tree to discover, if possible, if there were any people; but having remained on the top of the tree for a week, and not seeing anybody, they naturally concluded that there were no inhabitants; and accordingly, when they came down, they loaded the boat with two thousand veal-cutlets and a million of chocolate-drops; and these afforded them sustenance for more than a month, during which time they pursued their voyage with the utmost delight and apathy. [Illustration] After this they came to a shore where there were no less than sixty-five great red parrots with blue tails, sitting on a rail all of a row, and all fast asleep. And I am sorry to say that the Pussy-Cat and the Quangle-Wangle crept softly, and bit off the tail-feathers of all the sixty-five parrots; for which Violet reproved them both severely. [Illustration] Notwithstanding which, she proceeded to insert all the feathers--two hundred and sixty in number--in her bonnet; thereby causing it to have a lovely and glittering appearance, highly prepossessing and efficacious. [Illustration] The next thing that happened to them was in a narrow part of the sea, which was so entirely full of fishes that the boat could go on no farther: so they remained there about six weeks, till they had eaten nearly all the fishes, which were soles, and all ready-cooked, and covered with shrimp-sauce, so that there was no trouble whatever. And as the few fishes who remained uneaten complained of the cold, as well as of the difficulty they had in getting any sleep on account of the extreme noise made by the arctic bears and the tropical turnspits, which frequented the neighborhood in great numbers, Violet most amiably knitted a small woollen frock for several of the fishes, and Slingsby administered some opium-drops to them; through which kindness they became quite warm, and slept soundly. [Illustration] Then they came to a country which was wholly covered with immense orange-trees of a vast size, and quite full of fruit. So they all landed, taking with them the tea-kettle, intending to gather some of the oranges, and place them in it. But, while they were busy about this, a most dreadfully high wind rose, and blew out most of the parrot-tail feathers from Violet's bonnet. That, however, was nothing compared with the calamity of the oranges falling down on their heads by millions and millions, which thumped and bumped and bumped and thumped them all so seriously, that they were obliged to run as hard as they could for their lives; besides that the sound of the oranges rattling on the tea-kettle was of the most fearful and amazing nature. [Illustration] Nevertheless, they got safely to the boat, although considerably vexed and hurt; and the Quangle-Wangle's right foot was so knocked about, that he had to sit with his head in his slipper for at least a week. [Illustration] This event made them all for a time rather melancholy: and perhaps they might never have become less so, had not Lionel, with a most praiseworthy devotion and perseverance, continued to stand on one leg, and whistle to them in a loud and lively manner; which diverted the whole party so extremely that they gradually recovered their spirits, and agreed that whenever they should reach home, they would subscribe towards a testimonial to Lionel, entirely made of gingerbread and raspberries, as an earnest token of their sincere and grateful infection. [Illustration] After sailing on calmly for several more days, they came to another country, where they were much pleased and surprised to see a countless multitude of white Mice with red eyes, all sitting in a great circle, slowly eating custard-pudding with the most satisfactory and polite demeanor. [Illustration] And as the four travellers were rather hungry, being tired of eating nothing but soles and oranges for so long a period, they held a council as to the propriety of asking the Mice for some of their pudding in a humble and affecting manner, by which they could hardly be otherwise than gratified. It was agreed, therefore, that Guy should go and ask the Mice, which he immediately did; and the result was, that they gave a walnut-shell only half full of custard diluted with water. Now, this displeased Guy, who said, "Out of such a lot of pudding as you have got, I must say, you might have spared a somewhat larger quantity." But no sooner had he finished speaking than the Mice turned round at once, and sneezed at him in an appalling and vindictive manner (and it is impossible to imagine a more scroobious and unpleasant sound than that caused by the simultaneous sneezing of many millions of angry Mice); so that Guy rushed back to the boat, having first shied his cap into the middle of the custard-pudding, by which means he completely spoiled the Mice's dinner. [Illustration] By and by the four children came to a country where there were no houses, but only an incredibly innumerable number of large bottles without corks, and of a dazzling and sweetly susceptible blue color. Each of these blue bottles contained a Blue-Bottle-Fly; and all these interesting animals live continually together in the most copious and rural harmony: nor perhaps in many parts of the world is such perfect and abject happiness to be found. Violet and Slingsby and Guy and Lionel were greatly struck with this singular and instructive settlement; and, having previously asked permission of the Blue-Bottle-Flies (which was most courteously granted), the boat was drawn up to the shore, and they proceeded to make tea in front of the bottles: but as they had no tea-leaves, they merely placed some pebbles in the hot water; and the Quangle-Wangle played some tunes over it on an accordion, by which, of course, tea was made directly, and of the very best quality. The four children then entered into conversation with the Blue-Bottle-Flies, who discoursed in a placid and genteel manner, though with a slightly buzzing accent, chiefly owing to the fact that they each held a small clothes-brush between their teeth, which naturally occasioned a fizzy, extraneous utterance. "Why," said Violet, "would you kindly inform us, do you reside in bottles; and, if in bottles at all, why not, rather, in green or purple, or, indeed, in yellow bottles?" To which questions a very aged Blue-Bottle-Fly answered, "We found the bottles here all ready to live in; that is to say, our great-great-great- great-great-grandfathers did: so we occupied them at once. And, when the winter comes on, we turn the bottles upside down, and consequently rarely feel the cold at all; and you know very well that this could not be the case with bottles of any other color than blue." "Of course it could not," said Slingsby. "But, if we may take the liberty of inquiring, on what do you chiefly subsist?" "Mainly on oyster-patties," said the Blue-Bottle-Fly; "and, when these are scarce, on raspberry vinegar and Russian leather boiled down to a jelly." "How delicious!" said Guy. To which Lionel added, "Huzz!" And all the Blue-Bottle-Flies said, "Buzz!" At this time, an elderly Fly said it was the hour for the evening-song to be sung; and, on a signal being given, all the Blue-Bottle-Flies began to buzz at once in a sumptuous and sonorous manner, the melodious and mucilaginous sounds echoing all over the waters, and resounding across the tumultuous tops of the transitory titmice upon the intervening and verdant mountains with a serene and sickly suavity only known to the truly virtuous. The Moon was shining slobaciously from the star-bespangled sky, while her light irrigated the smooth and shiny sides and wings and backs of the Blue-Bottle-Flies with a peculiar and trivial splendor, while all Nature cheerfully responded to the cerulean and conspicuous circumstances. In many long-after years, the four little travellers looked back to that evening as one of the happiest in all their lives; and it was already past midnight when--the sail of the boat having been set up by the Quangle-Wangle, the tea-kettle and churn placed in their respective positions, and the Pussy-Cat stationed at the helm--the children each took a last and affectionate farewell of the Blue-Bottle-Flies, who walked down in a body to the water's edge to see the travellers embark. [Illustration] As a token of parting respect and esteem, Violet made a courtesy quite down to the ground, and stuck one of her few remaining parrot-tail feathers into the back hair of the most pleasing of the Blue-Bottle-Flies; while Slingsby, Guy, and Lionel offered them three small boxes, containing, respectively, black pins, dried figs, and Epsom salts; and thus they left that happy shore forever. Overcome by their feelings, the four little travellers instantly jumped into the tea-kettle, and fell fast asleep. But all along the shore, for many hours, there was distinctly heard a sound of severely-suppressed sobs, and of a vague multitude of living creatures using their pocket-handkerchiefs in a subdued simultaneous snuffle, lingering sadly along the walloping waves as the boat sailed farther and farther away from the Land of the Happy Blue-Bottle-Flies. Nothing particular occurred for some days after these events, except that, as the travellers were passing a low tract of sand, they perceived an unusual and gratifying spectacle; namely, a large number of Crabs and Crawfish--perhaps six or seven hundred--sitting by the water-side, and endeavoring to disentangle a vast heap of pale pink worsted, which they moistened at intervals with a fluid composed of lavender-water and white-wine negus. "Can we be of any service to you, O crusty Crabbies?" said the four children. "Thank you kindly," said the Crabs consecutively. "We are trying to make some worsted mittens, but do not know how." On which Violet, who was perfectly acquainted with the art of mitten-making, said to the Crabs, "Do your claws unscrew, or are they fixtures?" "They are all made to unscrew," said the Crabs; and forthwith they deposited a great pile of claws close to the boat, with which Violet uncombed all the pale pink worsted, and then made the loveliest mittens with it you can imagine. These the Crabs, having resumed and screwed on their claws, placed cheerfully upon their wrists, and walked away rapidly on their hind-legs, warbling songs with a silvery voice and in a minor key. After this, the four little people sailed on again till they came to a vast and wide plain of astonishing dimensions, on which nothing whatever could be discovered at first; but, as the travellers walked onward, there appeared in the extreme and dim distance a single object, which on a nearer approach, and on an accurately cutaneous inspection, seemed to be somebody in a large white wig, sitting on an arm-chair made of sponge-cakes and oyster-shells. "It does not quite look like a human being," said Violet doubtfully; nor could they make out what it really was, till the Quangle-Wangle (who had previously been round the world) exclaimed softly in a loud voice, "It is the co-operative Cauliflower!" [Illustration] And so, in truth, it was: and they soon found that what they had taken for an immense wig was in reality the top of the Cauliflower; and that he had no feet at all, being able to walk tolerably well with a fluctuating and graceful movement on a single cabbage-stalk,--an accomplishment which naturally saved him the expense of stockings and shoes. Presently, while the whole party from the boat was gazing at him with mingled affection and disgust, he suddenly arose, and, in a somewhat plumdomphious manner, hurried off towards the setting sun,--his steps supported by two superincumbent confidential Cucumbers, and a large number of Waterwagtails proceeding in advance of him by three and three in a row,--till he finally disappeared on the brink of the western sky in a crystal cloud of sudorific sand. [Illustration] So remarkable a sight, of course, impressed the four children very deeply; and they returned immediately to their boat with a strong sense of undeveloped asthma and a great appetite. Shortly after this, the travellers were obliged to sail directly below some high overhanging rocks, from the top of one of which a particularly odious little boy, dressed in rose-colored knickerbockers, and with a pewter plate upon his head, threw an enormous pumpkin at the boat, by which it was instantly upset. [Illustration] But this upsetting was of no consequence, because all the party knew how to swim very well: and, in fact, they preferred swimming about till after the moon rose; when, the water growing chilly, they sponge-taneously entered the boat. Meanwhile the Quangle-Wangle threw back the pumpkin with immense force, so that it hit the rocks where the malicious little boy in rose-colored knickerbockers was sitting; when, being quite full of lucifer-matches, the pumpkin exploded surreptitiously into a thousand bits; whereon the rocks instantly took fire, and the odious little boy became unpleasantly hotter and hotter and hotter, till his knickerbockers were turned quite green, and his nose was burnt off. Two or three days after this had happened, they came to another place, where they found nothing at all except some wide and deep pits full of mulberry-jam. This is the property of the tiny, yellow-nosed Apes who abound in these districts, and who store up the mulberry-jam for their food in winter, when they mix it with pellucid pale periwinkle-soup, and serve it out in wedgewood china-bowls, which grow freely all over that part of the country. Only one of the yellow-nosed Apes was on the spot, and he was fast asleep; yet the four travellers and the Quangle-Wangle and Pussy were so terrified by the violence and sanguinary sound of his snoring, that they merely took a small cupful of the jam, and returned to re-embark in their boat without delay. What was their horror on seeing the boat (including the churn and the tea-kettle) in the mouth of an enormous Seeze Pyder, an aquatic and ferocious creature truly dreadful to behold, and, happily, only met with in those excessive longitudes! In a moment, the beautiful boat was bitten into fifty-five thousand million hundred billion bits; and it instantly became quite clear that Violet, Slingsby, Guy, and Lionel could no longer preliminate their voyage by sea. The four travellers were therefore obliged to resolve on pursuing their wanderings by land: and, very fortunately, there happened to pass by at that moment an elderly Rhinoceros, on which they seized; and, all four mounting on his back,--the Quangle-Wangle sitting on his horn, and holding on by his ears, and the Pussy-Cat swinging at the end of his tail,--they set off, having only four small beans and three pounds of mashed potatoes to last through their whole journey. [Illustration] They were, however, able to catch numbers of the chickens and turkeys and other birds who incessantly alighted on the head of the Rhinoceros for the purpose of gathering the seeds of the rhododendron-plants which grew there; and these creatures they cooked in the most translucent and satisfactory manner by means of a fire lighted on the end of the Rhinoceros's back. A crowd of Kangaroos and gigantic Cranes accompanied them, from feelings of curiosity and complacency; so that they were never at a loss for company, and went onward, as it were, in a sort of profuse and triumphant procession. Thus in less than eighteen weeks they all arrived safely at home, where they were received by their admiring relatives with joy tempered with contempt, and where they finally resolved to carry out the rest of their travelling-plans at some more favorable opportunity. As for the Rhinoceros, in token of their grateful adherence, they had him killed and stuffed directly, and then set him up outside the door of their father's house as a diaphanous doorscraper. [Illustration] THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES OF THE LAKE PIPPLE-POPPLE. CHAPTER I. INTRODUCTORY. In former days,--that is to say, once upon a time,--there lived in the Land of Gramble-Blamble seven families. They lived by the side of the great Lake Pipple-Popple (one of the seven families, indeed, lived _in_ the lake), and on the outskirts of the city of Tosh, which, excepting when it was quite dark, they could see plainly. The names of all these places you have probably heard of; and you have only not to look in your geography-books to find out all about them. Now, the seven families who lived on the borders of the great Lake Pipple-Popple were as follows in the next chapter. CHAPTER II. THE SEVEN FAMILIES. There was a family of two old Parrots and seven young Parrots. [Illustration] There was a family of two old Storks and seven young Storks. [Illustration] There was a family of two old Geese and seven young Geese. [Illustration] There was a family of two old Owls and seven young Owls. [Illustration] There was a family of two old Guinea Pigs and seven young Guinea Pigs. [Illustration] There was a family of two old Cats and seven young Cats. [Illustration] And there was a family of two old Fishes and seven young Fishes. [Illustration] CHAPTER III. THE HABITS OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES. The Parrots lived upon the Soffsky-Poffsky trees, which were beautiful to behold, and covered with blue leaves; and they fed upon fruit, artichokes, and striped beetles. The Storks walked in and out of the Lake Pipple-Popple, and ate frogs for breakfast, and buttered toast for tea; but on account of the extreme length of their legs they could not sit down, and so they walked about continually. The Geese, having webs to their feet, caught quantities of flies, which they ate for dinner. The Owls anxiously looked after mice, which they caught, and made into sago-puddings. The Guinea Pigs toddled about the gardens, and ate lettuces and Cheshire cheese. The Cats sate still in the sunshine, and fed upon sponge biscuits. The Fishes lived in the lake, and fed chiefly on boiled periwinkles. And all these seven families lived together in the utmost fun and felicity. CHAPTER IV. THE CHILDREN OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES ARE SENT AWAY. One day all the seven fathers and the seven mothers of the seven families agreed that they would send their children out to see the world. So they called them all together, and gave them each eight shillings and some good advice, some chocolate-drops, and a small green morocco pocket-book to set down their expenses in. They then particularly entreated them not to quarrel; and all the parents sent off their children with a parting injunction. "If," said the old Parrots, "you find a cherry, do not fight about who should have it." "And," said the old Storks, "if you find a frog, divide it carefully into seven bits, but on no account quarrel about it." And the old Geese said to the seven young Geese, "Whatever you do, be sure you do not touch a plum-pudding flea." And the old Owls said, "If you find a mouse, tear him up into seven slices, and eat him cheerfully, but without quarrelling." And the old Guinea Pigs said, "Have a care that you eat your lettuces, should you find any, not greedily, but calmly." And the old Cats said, "Be particularly careful not to meddle with a clangle-wangle if you should see one." And the old Fishes said, "Above all things, avoid eating a blue boss-woss; for they do not agree with fishes, and give them a pain in their toes." So all the children of each family thanked their parents; and, making in all forty-nine polite bows, they went into the wide world. CHAPTER V. THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG PARROTS. The seven young Parrots had not gone far, when they saw a tree with a single cherry on it, which the oldest Parrot picked instantly; but the other six, being extremely hungry, tried to get it also. On which all the seven began to fight; and they scuffled, and huffled, and ruffled, and shuffled, and puffled, and muffled, and buffled, and duffled, and fluffled, and guffled, and bruffled, and screamed, and shrieked, and squealed, and squeaked, and clawed, and snapped, and bit, and bumped, and thumped, and dumped, and flumped each other, till they were all torn into little bits; and at last there was nothing left to record this painful incident except the cherry and seven small green feathers. And that was the vicious and voluble end of the seven young Parrots. [Illustration] CHAPTER VI. THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG STORKS. When the seven young Storks set out, they walked or flew for fourteen weeks in a straight line, and for six weeks more in a crooked one; and after that they ran as hard as they could for one hundred and eight miles; and after that they stood still, and made a himmeltanious chatter-clatter-blattery noise with their bills. About the same time they perceived a large frog, spotted with green, and with a sky-blue stripe under each ear. So, being hungry, they immediately flew at him, and were going to divide him into seven pieces, when they began to quarrel as to which of his legs should be taken off first. One said this, and another said that; and while they were all quarrelling, the frog hopped away. And when they saw that he was gone, they began to chatter-clatter, blatter-platter, patter-blatter, matter-clatter, flatter-quatter, more violently than ever; and after they had fought for a week, they pecked each other all to little pieces, so that at last nothing was left of any of them except their bills. And that was the end of the seven young Storks. [Illustration] CHAPTER VII. THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GEESE. When the seven young Geese began to travel, they went over a large plain, on which there was but one tree, and that was, a very bad one. So four of them went up to the top of it, and looked about them; while the other three waddled up and down, and repeated poetry, and their last six lessons in arithmetic, geography, and cookery. Presently they perceived, a long way off, an object of the most interesting and obese appearance, having a perfectly round body exactly resembling a boiled plum-pudding, with two little wings, and a beak, and three feathers growing out of his head, and only one leg. So, after a time, all the seven young Geese said to each other, "Beyond all doubt this beast must be a Plum-pudding Flea!" On which they incautiously began to sing aloud, "Plum-pudding Flea, Plum-pudding Flea, Wherever you be, Oh! come to our tree, And listen, oh! listen, oh! listen to me!" And no sooner had they sung this verse than the Plum-pudding Flea began to hop and skip on his one leg with the most dreadful velocity, and came straight to the tree, where he stopped, and looked about him in a vacant and voluminous manner. On which the seven young Geese were greatly alarmed, and all of a tremble-bemble: so one of them put out his long neck, and just touched him with the tip of his bill; but no sooner had he done this than the Plum-pudding Flea skipped and hopped about more and more, and higher and higher; after which he opened his mouth, and, to the great surprise and indignation of the seven Geese, began to bark so loudly and furiously and terribly, that they were totally unable to bear the noise; and by degrees every one of them suddenly tumbled down quite dead. So that was the end of the seven young Geese. [Illustration] CHAPTER VIII. THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG OWLS. When the seven young Owls set out, they sate every now and then on the branches of old trees, and never went far at one time. And one night, when it was quite dark, they thought they heard a mouse; but, as the gas-lamps were not lighted, they could not see him. So they called out, "Is that a mouse?" On which a mouse answered, "Squeaky-peeky-weeky! yes, it is!" And immediately all the young Owls threw themselves off the tree, meaning to alight on the ground; but they did not perceive that there was a large well below them, into which they all fell superficially, and were every one of them drowned in less than half a minute. So that was the end of the seven young Owls. [Illustration] CHAPTER IX. THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GUINEA PIGS. The seven young Guinea Pigs went into a garden full of goose-berry-bushes and tiggory-trees, under one of which they fell asleep. When they awoke, they saw a large lettuce, which had grown out of the ground while they had been sleeping, and which had an immense number of green leaves. At which they all exclaimed,-- "Lettuce! O lettuce Let us, O let us, O lettuce-leaves, O let us leave this tree, and eat Lettuce, O let us, lettuce-leaves!" And instantly the seven young Guinea Pigs rushed with such extreme force against the lettuce-plant, and hit their heads so vividly against its stalk, that the concussion brought on directly an incipient transitional inflammation of their noses, which grew worse and worse and worse and worse, till it incidentally killed them all seven. And that was the end of the seven young Guinea Pigs. [Illustration] CHAPTER X. THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG CATS. The seven young Cats set off on their travels with great delight and rapacity. But, on coming to the top of a high hill, they perceived at a long distance off a Clangle-Wangle (or, as it is more properly written, Clangel-Wangel); and, in spite of the warning they had had, they ran straight up to it. (Now, the Clangle-Wangle is a most dangerous and delusive beast, and by no means commonly to be met with. They live in the water as well as on land, using their long tail as a sail when in the former element. Their speed is extreme; but their habits of life are domestic and superfluous, and their general demeanor pensive and pellucid. On summer evenings, they may sometimes be observed near the Lake Pipple-Popple, standing on their heads, and humming their national melodies. They subsist entirely on vegetables, excepting when they eat veal or mutton or pork or beef or fish or saltpetre.) The moment the Clangle-Wangle saw the seven young Cats approach, he ran away; and as he ran straight on for four months, and the Cats, though they continued to run, could never overtake him, they all gradually _died_ of fatigue and exhaustion, and never afterwards recovered. And this was the end of the seven young Cats. [Illustration] CHAPTER XI. THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG FISHES. The seven young Fishes swam across the Lake Pipple-Popple, and into the river, and into the ocean; where, most unhappily for them, they saw, on the fifteenth day of their travels, a bright-blue Boss-Woss, and instantly swam after him. But the Blue Boss-Woss plunged into a perpendicular, spicular, orbicular, quadrangular, circular depth of soft mud; where, in fact, his house was. And the seven young Fishes, swimming with great and uncomfortable velocity, plunged also into the mud quite against their will, and, not being accustomed to it, were all suffocated in a very short period. And that was the end of the seven young Fishes. [Illustration] CHAPTER XII. OF WHAT OCCURRED SUBSEQUENTLY. After it was known that the seven young Parrots, and the seven young Storks, and the seven young Geese, and the seven young Owls, and the seven young Guinea Pigs, and the seven young Cats, and the seven young Fishes, were all dead, then the Frog, and the Plum-pudding Flea, and the Mouse, and the Clangle-Wangle, and the Blue Boss-Woss, all met together to rejoice over their good fortune. And they collected the seven feathers of the seven young Parrots, and the seven bills of the seven young Storks, and the lettuce, and the cherry; and having placed the latter on the lettuce, and the other objects in a circular arrangement at their base, they danced a hornpipe round all these memorials until they were quite tired; after which they gave a tea-party, and a garden-party, and a ball, and a concert, and then returned to their respective homes full of joy and respect, sympathy, satisfaction, and disgust. [Illustration] CHAPTER XIII. OF WHAT BECAME OF THE PARENTS OF THE FORTY-NINE CHILDREN. BUT when the two old Parrots, and the two old Storks, and the two old Geese, and the two old Owls, and the two old Guinea Pigs, and the two old Cats, and the two old Fishes, became aware, by reading in the newspapers, of the calamitous extinction of the whole of their families, they refused all further sustenance; and, sending out to various shops, they purchased great quantities of Cayenne pepper and brandy and vinegar and blue sealing-wax, besides seven immense glass bottles with air-tight stoppers. And, having done this, they ate a light supper of brown-bread and Jerusalem artichokes, and took an affecting and formal leave of the whole of their acquaintance, which was very numerous and distinguished and select and responsible and ridiculous. CHAPTER XIV. CONCLUSION. And after this they filled the bottles with the ingredients for pickling, and each couple jumped into a separate bottle; by which effort, of course, they all died immediately, and became thoroughly pickled in a few minutes; having previously made their wills (by the assistance of the most eminent lawyers of the district), in which they left strict orders that the stoppers of the seven bottles should be carefully sealed up with the blue sealing-wax they had purchased; and that they themselves, in the bottles, should be presented to the principal museum of the city of Tosh, to be labelled with parchment or any other anti-congenial succedaneum, and to be placed on a marble table with silver-gilt legs, for the daily inspection and contemplation, and for the perpetual benefit, of the pusillanimous public. And if you ever happen to go to Gramble-Blamble, and visit that museum in the city of Tosh, look for them on the ninety-eighth table in the four hundred and twenty-seventh room of the right-hand corridor of the left wing of the central quadrangle of that magnificent building; for, if you do not, you certainly will not see them. [Illustration] * * * * * NONSENSE COOKERY. Extract from "The Nonsense Gazette," for August, 1870. "Our readers will be interested in the following communications from our valued and learned contributor, Prof. Bosh, whose labors in the fields of culinary and botanical science are so well known to all the world. The first three articles richly merit to be added to the domestic cookery of every family: those which follow claim the attention of all botanists; and we are happy to be able, through Dr. Bosh's kindness, to present our readers with illustrations of his discoveries. All the new flowers are found in the Valley of Verrikwier, near the Lake of Oddgrow, and on the summit of the Hill Orfeltugg." THREE RECEIPTS FOR DOMESTIC COOKERY. TO MAKE AN AMBLONGUS PIE. Take 4 pounds (say 4-1/2 pounds) of fresh Amblongusses, and put them in a small pipkin. Cover them with water, and boil them for 8 hours incessantly; after which add 2 pints of new milk, and proceed to boil for 4 hours more. When you have ascertained that the Amblongusses are quite soft, take them out, and place them in a wide pan, taking care to shake them well previously. Grate some nutmeg over the surface, and cover them carefully with powdered gingerbread, curry-powder, and a sufficient quantity of Cayenne pepper. Remove the pan into the next room, and place it on the floor. Bring it back again, and let it simmer for three-quarters of an hour. Shake the pan violently till all the Amblongusses have become of a pale purple color. Then, having prepared the paste, insert the whole carefully; adding at the same time a small pigeon, 2 slices of beef, 4 cauliflowers, and any number of oysters. Watch patiently till the crust begins to rise, and add a pinch of salt from time to time. Serve up in a clean dish, and throw the whole out of window as fast as possible. TO MAKE CRUMBOBBLIOUS CUTLETS. Procure some strips of beef, and, having cut them into the smallest possible slices, proceed to cut them still smaller,--eight, or perhaps nine times. When the whole is thus minced, brush it up hastily with a new clothes-brush, and stir round rapidly and capriciously with a salt-spoon or a soup-ladle. Place the whole in a saucepan, and remove it to a sunny place,--say the roof of the house, if free from sparrows or other birds,--and leave it there for about a week. At the end of that time add a little lavender, some oil of almonds, and a few herring-bones; and then cover the whole with 4 gallons of clarified Crumbobblious sauce, when it will be ready for use. Cut it into the shape of ordinary cutlets, and serve up in a clean table-cloth or dinner-napkin. TO MAKE GOSKY PATTIES. Take a pig three or four years of age, and tie him by the off hind-leg to a post. Place 5 pounds of currants, 3 of sugar, 2 pecks of peas, 18 roast chestnuts, a candle, and 6 bushels of turnips, within his reach: if he eats these, constantly provide him with more. Then procure some cream, some slices of Cheshire cheese, 4 quires of foolscap paper, and a packet of black pins. Work the whole into a paste, and spread it out to dry on a sheet of clean brown waterproof linen. When the paste is perfectly dry, but not before, proceed to beat the pig violently with the handle of a large broom. If he squeals, beat him again. Visit the paste and beat the pig alternately for some days, and ascertain if, at the end of that period, the whole is about to turn into Gosky Patties. If it does not then, it never will; and in that case the pig may be let loose, and the whole process may be considered as finished. * * * * * NONSENSE BOTANY. [Illustration: Baccopipia Gracilis.] [Illustration: Bottlephorkia Spoonifolia.] [Illustration: Cockatooca Superba.] [Illustration: Fishia Marina.] [Illustration: Guittara Pensilis.] [Illustration: Manypeeplia Upsidownia.] [Illustration: Phattfacia Stupenda.] [Illustration: Piggiwiggia Pyramidalis.] [Illustration: Plumbunnia Nutritiosa.] [Illustration: Pollybirdia Singularis.] * * * * * NONSENSE ALPHABETS. A [Illustration] A was an ant Who seldom stood still, And who made a nice house In the side of a hill. a! Nice little ant! B [Illustration] B was a book With a binding of blue, And pictures and stories For me and for you. b! Nice little book! C [Illustration] C was a cat Who ran after a rat; But his courage did fail When she seized on his tail. c! Crafty old cat! D [Illustration] D was a duck With spots on his back, Who lived in the water, And always said "Quack!" d! Dear little duck! E [Illustration] E was an elephant, Stately and wise: He had tusks and a trunk, And two queer little eyes. e! Oh, what funny small eyes! F [Illustration] F was a fish Who was caught in a net; But he got out again, And is quite alive yet. f! Lively young fish! G [Illustration] G was a goat Who was spotted with brown: When he did not lie still He walked up and down. g! Good little goat! H [Illustration] H was a hat Which was all on one side; Its crown was too high, And its brim was too wide. h! Oh, what a hat! I [Illustration] I was some ice So white and so nice, But which nobody tasted; And so it was wasted. i! All that good ice! J [Illustration] J was a jackdaw Who hopped up and down In the principal street Of a neighboring town. j! All through the town! K [Illustration] K was a kite Which flew out of sight, Above houses so high, Quite into the sky. k Fly away, kite! L [Illustration] L was a light Which burned all the night, And lighted the gloom Of a very dark room. l! Useful nice light! M [Illustration] M was a mill Which stood on a hill, And turned round and round With a loud hummy sound. m! Useful old mill! N [Illustration] N was a net Which was thrown in the sea To catch fish for dinner For you and for me. n! Nice little net! O [Illustration] O was an orange So yellow and round: When it fell off the tree, It fell down to the ground. o! Down to the ground! P [Illustration] P was a pig, Who was not very big; But his tail was too curly, And that made him surly. p! Cross little pig! Q [Illustration] Q was a quail With a very short tail; And he fed upon corn In the evening and morn. q! Quaint little quail! R [Illustration] R was a rabbit, Who had a bad habit Of eating the flowers In gardens and bowers. r! Naughty fat rabbit! S [Illustration] S was the sugar-tongs, Nippity-nee, To take up the sugar To put in our tea. s! Nippity-nee! T [Illustration] T was a tortoise, All yellow and black: He walked slowly away, And he never came back. t! Torty never came back! U [Illustration] U was an urn All polished and bright, And full of hot water At noon and at night. u! Useful old urn! V [Illustration] V was a villa Which stood on a hill, By the side of a river, And close to a mill. v! Nice little villa! W [Illustration] W was a whale With a very long tail, Whose movements were frantic Across the Atlantic. w! Monstrous old whale! X [Illustration] X was King Xerxes, Who, more than all Turks, is Renowned for his fashion Of fury and passion. x! Angry old Xerxes! Y [Illustration] Y was a yew, Which flourished and grew By a quiet abode Near the side of a road. y! Dark little yew! Z [Illustration] Z was some zinc, So shiny and bright, Which caused you to wink In the sun's merry light. z! Beautiful zinc! A [Illustration] a A was once an apple-pie, Pidy, Widy, Tidy, Pidy, Nice insidy, Apple-pie! B [Illustration] b B was once a little bear, Beary, Wary, Hairy, Beary, Taky cary, Little bear! C [Illustration] c C was once a little cake, Caky, Baky, Maky, Caky, Taky caky, Little cake! D [Illustration] d D was once a little doll, Dolly, Molly, Polly, Nolly, Nursy dolly, Little doll! E [Illustration] e E was once a little eel, Eely, Weely, Peely, Eely, Twirly, tweely, Little eel! F [Illustration] f F was once a little fish, Fishy, Wishy, Squishy, Fishy, In a dishy, Little fish! G [Illustration] g G was once a little goose, Goosy, Moosy, Boosey, Goosey, Waddly-woosy, Little goose! H [Illustration] h H was once a little hen, Henny, Chenny, Tenny, Henny. Eggsy-any, Little hen? I [Illustration] i I was once a bottle of ink Inky, Dinky, Thinky, Inky, Blacky minky, Bottle of ink! J [Illustration] j J was once a jar of jam, Jammy, Mammy, Clammy, Jammy, Sweety, swammy, Jar of jam! K [Illustration] k K was once a little kite, Kity, Whity, Flighty, Kity, Out of sighty, Little kite! L [Illustration] l L was once a little lark, Larky, Marky, Harky, Larky, In the parky, Little lark! M [Illustration] m M was once a little mouse, Mousy, Bousy, Sousy, Mousy, In the housy, Little mouse! N [Illustration] n N was once a little needle, Needly, Tweedly, Threedly, Needly, Wisky, wheedly, Little needle! O [Illustration] o O was once a little owl, Owly, Prowly, Howly, Owly, Browny fowly, Little owl! P [Illustration] p P was once a little pump, Pumpy, Slumpy, Flumpy, Pumpy, Dumpy, thumpy, Little pump! Q [Illustration] q Q was once a little quail, Quaily, Faily, Daily, Quaily, Stumpy-taily, Little quail! R [Illustration] r R was once a little rose, Rosy, Posy, Nosy, Rosy, Blows-y, grows-y, Little rose! S [Illustration] s S was once a little shrimp, Shrimpy, Nimpy, Flimpy, Shrimpy. Jumpy, jimpy, Little shrimp! T [Illustration] t T was once a little thrush, Thrushy, Hushy, Bushy, Thrushy, Flitty, flushy, Little thrush! U [Illustration] u U was once a little urn, Urny, Burny, Turny, Urny, Bubbly, burny, Little urn! V [Illustration] v V was once a little vine, Viny, Winy, Twiny, Viny, Twisty-twiny, Little vine! W [Illustration] w W was once a whale, Whaly, Scaly, Shaly, Whaly, Tumbly-taily, Mighty whale! X [Illustration] x X was once a great king Xerxes, Xerxy, Perxy, Turxy, Xerxy, Linxy, lurxy, Great King Xerxes! Y [Illustration] y Y was once a little yew, Yewdy, Fewdy, Crudy, Yewdy, Growdy, grewdy, Little yew! Z [Illustration] z Z was once a piece of zinc, Tinky, Winky, Blinky, Tinky, Tinkly minky, Piece of zinc! A [Illustration] A was an ape, Who stole some white tape, And tied up his toes In four beautiful bows. a! Funny old ape! B [Illustration] B was a bat, Who slept all the day, And fluttered about When the sun went away. b! Brown little bat! C [Illustration] C was a camel: You rode on his hump; And if you fell off, You came down such a bump! c! What a high camel! D [Illustration] D was a dove, Who lived in a wood, With such pretty soft wings, And so gentle and good! d! Dear little dove! E [Illustration] E was an eagle, Who sat on the rocks, And looked down on the fields And the-far-away flocks. e! Beautiful eagle! F [Illustration] F was a fan Made of beautiful stuff; And when it was used, It went puffy-puff-puff! f! Nice little fan! G [Illustration] G was a gooseberry, Perfectly red; To be made into jam, And eaten with bread. g! Gooseberry red! H [Illustration] H was a heron, Who stood in a stream: The length of his neck And his legs was extreme. h! Long-legged heron! I [Illustration] I was an inkstand, Which stood on a table, With a nice pen to write with When we are able. i! Neat little inkstand! J [Illustration] J was a jug, So pretty and white, With fresh water in it At morning and night. j! Nice little jug! K [Illustration] K was a kingfisher: Quickly he flew, So bright and so pretty!-- Green, purple, and blue. k! Kingfisher blue! L [Illustration] L was a lily, So white and so sweet! To see it and smell it Was quite a nice treat. l! Beautiful lily! M [Illustration] M was a man, Who walked round and round; And he wore a long coat That came down to the ground. m! Funny old man! N [Illustration] N was a nut So smooth and so brown! And when it was ripe, It fell tumble-dum-down. n! Nice little nut! O [Illustration] O was an oyster, Who lived in his shell: If you let him alone, He felt perfectly well. o! Open-mouthed oyster! P [Illustration] P was a polly, All red, blue, and green,-- The most beautiful polly That ever was seen. p! Poor little polly! Q [Illustration] Q was a quill Made into a pen; But I do not know where, And I cannot say when. q! Nice little quill! R [Illustration] R was a rattlesnake, Rolled up so tight, Those who saw him ran quickly, For fear he should bite. r! Rattlesnake bite! S [Illustration] S was a screw To screw down a box; And then it was fastened Without any locks. s! Valuable screw! T [Illustration] T was a thimble, Of silver so bright! When placed on the finger, It fitted so tight! t! Nice little thimble! U [Illustration] U was an upper-coat, Woolly and warm, To wear over all In the snow or the storm. u! What a nice upper-coat! V [Illustration] V was a veil With a border upon it, And a ribbon to tie it All round a pink bonnet. v! Pretty green veil! W [Illustration] W was a watch, Where, in letters of gold, The hour of the day You might always behold. w! Beautiful watch! X [Illustration] X was King Xerxes, Who wore on his head A mighty large turban, Green, yellow, and red. x! Look at King Xerxes! Y [Illustration] Y was a yak, From the land of Thibet: Except his white tail, He was all black as jet. y! Look at the yak! Z [Illustration] Z was a zebra, All striped white and black; And if he were tame, You might ride on his back. z! Pretty striped zebra! * * * * * MORE NONSENSE Pictures, Rhymes, Botany, etc. by EDWARD LEAR [Illustration] CONTENTS. NONSENSE BOTANY ONE HUNDRED NONSENSE PICTURES AND RHYMES TWENTY-SIX NONSENSE RHYMES AND PICTURES [Illustration] INTRODUCTION. In offering this little book--the third of its kind--to the public, I am glad to take the opportunity of recording the pleasure I have received at the appreciation its predecessors have met with, as attested by their wide circulation, and by the universally kind notices of them from the Press. To have been the means of administering innocent mirth to thousands, may surely be a just motive for satisfaction, and an excuse for grateful expression. At the same time, I am desirous of adding a few words as to the history of the two previously published volumes, and more particularly of the first or original "Book of Nonsense," relating to which many absurd reports have crept into circulation, such as that it was the composition of the late Lord Brougham, the late Earl of Derby, etc.; that the rhymes and pictures are by different persons; or that the whole have a symbolical meaning, etc.; whereas, every one of the Rhymes was composed by myself, and every one of the Illustrations drawn by my own hand at the time the verses were made. Moreover, in no portion of these Nonsense drawings have I ever allowed any caricature of private or public persons to appear, and throughout, more care than might be supposed has been given to make the subjects incapable of misinterpretation: "Nonsense," pure and absolute, having been my aim throughout. As for the persistently absurd report of the late Earl of Derby being the author of the "First Book of Nonsense," I may relate an incident which occurred to me four summers ago, the first that gave me any insight into the origin of the rumor. I was on my way from London to Guildford, in a railway carriage, containing, besides myself, one passenger, an elderly gentleman: presently, however, two ladies entered, accompanied by two little boys. These, who had just had a copy of the "Book of Nonsense" given them, were loud in their delight, and by degrees infected the whole party with their mirth. "How grateful," said the old gentleman to the two ladies, "all children, and parents too, ought to be to the statesman who has given his time to composing that charming book!" (The ladies looked puzzled, as indeed was I, the author.) "Do you not know who is the writer of it?" asked the gentleman. "The name is 'Edward Lear,'" said one of the ladies. "Ah!" said the first speaker, "so it is printed; but that is only a whim of the real author, the Earl of Derby. 'Edward' is his Christian name, and, as you may see, LEAR is only EARL transposed." "But," said the lady, doubtingly, "here is a dedication to the great-grandchildren, grand-nephews, and grand-nieces of Edward, thirteenth Earl of Derby, by the author, Edward Lear." "That," replied the other, "is simply a piece of mystification; I am in a position to know that the whole book was composed and illustrated by Lord Derby himself. In fact, there is no such a person at all as Edward Lear." "Yet," said the other lady, "some friends of mine tell me they know Mr. Lear." "Quite a mistake! completely a mistake!" said the old gentleman, becoming rather angry at the contradiction; "I am well aware of what I am saying: I can inform you, no such a person as 'Edward Lear' exists!" Hitherto I had kept silence; but as my hat was, as well as my handkerchief and stick, largely marked inside with my name, and as I happened to have in my pocket several letters addressed to me, the temptation was too great to resist; so, flashing all these articles at once on my would-be extinguisher's attention, I speedily reduced him to silence. The second volume of Nonsense, commencing with the verses, "The Owl and the Pussy-Cat," was written at different times, and for different sets of children: the whole being collected in the course of last year, were then illustrated, and published in a single volume, by Mr. R.J. Bush, of 32 Charing Cross. The contents of the third or present volume were made also at different intervals in the last two years. Long years ago, in days when much of my time was passed in a country house, where children and mirth abounded, the lines beginning, "There was an old man of Tobago," were suggested to me by a valued friend, as a form of verse lending itself to limitless variety for rhymes and pictures; and thenceforth the greater part of the original drawings and verses for the first "Book of Nonsense" were struck off with a pen, no assistance ever having been given me in any way but that of uproarious delight and welcome at the appearance of every new absurdity. Most of these Drawings and Rhymes were transferred to lithographic stones in the year 1846, and were then first published by Mr. Thomas McLean, of the Haymarket. But that edition having been soon exhausted, and the call for the "Book of Nonsense" continuing, I added a considerable number of subjects to those previously-published, and having caused the whole to be carefully reproduced in woodcuts by Messrs. Dalzell, I disposed of the copyright to Messrs. Routledge and Warne, by whom the volume was published in 1843. EDWARD LEAR. VILLA EMILY, SAN REMO, August, 1871. * * * * * NONSENSE BOTANY. [Illustration: Barkia Howlaloudia.] [Illustration: Enkoopia Chickabiddia.] [Illustration: Jinglia Tinkettlia.] [Illustration: Nasticreechia Krorluppia.] [Illustration: Arthbroomia Rigida.] [Illustration: Sophtsluggia Glutinosa.] [Illustration: Minspysia Deliciosa.] [Illustration: Shoebootia Utilis.] [Illustration: Stunnia Dinnerbellia.] [Illustration: Tickia Orologica.] [Illustration: Washtubbia Circularis.] [Illustration: Tigerlillia Terribilis.] * * * * * ONE HUNDRED NONSENSE PICTURES AND RHYMES. [Illustration] There was a young person of Bantry, Who frequently slept in the pantry; When disturbed by the mice, she appeased them with rice, That judicious young person of Bantry. [Illustration] There was an Old Man at a Junction, Whose feelings were wrung with compunction When they said, "The Train's gone!" he exclaimed, "How forlorn!" But remained on the rails of the Junction. [Illustration] There was an old person of Minety, Who purchased five hundred and ninety Large apples and pears, which he threw unawares At the heads of the people of Minety. [Illustration] There was an old man of Thermopylae, Who never did anything properly; But they said, "If you choose to boil eggs in your shoes, You shall never remain in Thermopylae." [Illustration] There was an old person of Deal, Who in walking used only his heel; When they said, "Tell us why?" he made no reply, That mysterious old person of Deal. [Illustration] There was an old man on the Humber, Who dined on a cake of Burnt Umber; When he said, "It's enough!" they only said, "Stuff! You amazing old man on the Humber!" [Illustration] There was an old man in a barge, Whose nose was exceedingly large; But in fishing by night, it supported a light, Which helped that old man in a barge. [Illustration] There was an old man of Dunrose; A parrot seized hold of his nose. When he grew melancholy, they said, "His name's Polly," Which soothed that old man of Dunrose. [Illustration] There was an old man of Toulouse Who purchased a new pair of shoes; When they asked, "Are they pleasant?" he said, "Not at present!" That turbid old man of Toulouse. [Illustration] There was an old person of Bree, Who frequented the depths of the sea; She nurs'd the small fishes, and washed all the dishes, And swam back again into Bree. [Illustration] There was an old person of Bromley, Whose ways were not cheerful or comely; He sate in the dust, eating spiders and crust, That unpleasing old person of Bromley. [Illustration] There was an old person of Shields, Who frequented the vallies and fields; All the mice and the cats, and the snakes and the rats, Followed after that person of Shields. [Illustration] There was an old man of Dunluce, Who went out to sea on a goose: When he'd gone out a mile, he observ'd with a smile, "It is time to return to Dunluce." [Illustration] There was an old man of Dee-side Whose hat was exceedingly wide, But he said, "Do not fail, if it happen to hail, To come under my hat at Dee-side!" [Illustration] There was an old person in black, A Grasshopper jumped on his back; When it chirped in his ear, he was smitten with fear, That helpless old person in black. [Illustration] There was an old man of the Dargle Who purchased six barrels of Gargle; For he said, "I'll sit still, and will roll them down hill, For the fish in the depths of the Dargle." [Illustration] There was an old person of Pinner, As thin as a lath, if not thinner; They dressed him in white, and roll'd him up tight, That elastic old person of Pinner. [Illustration] There was an old person of China, Whose daughters were Jiska and Dinah, Amelia and Fluffy, Olivia and Chuffy, And all of them settled in China. [Illustration] There was an old man in a Marsh, Whose manners were futile and harsh; He sate on a log, and sang songs to a frog, That instructive old man in a Marsh. [Illustration] There was an old person of Brill, Who purchased a shirt with a frill; But they said, "Don't you wish, you mayn't look like a fish, You obsequious old person of Brill?" [Illustration] There was an old person of Wick, Who said, "Tick-a-Tick, Tick-a-Tick; Chickabee, Chickabaw." And he said nothing more, That laconic old person of Wick. [Illustration] There was an old man at a Station, Who made a promiscuous oration; But they said, "Take some snuff!--You have talk'd quite enough, You afflicting old man at a Station!" [Illustration] There was an old man of Three Bridges, Whose mind was distracted by midges, He sate on a wheel, eating underdone veal, Which relieved that old man of Three Bridges. [Illustration] There was an old man of Hong Kong, Who never did anything wrong; He lay on his back, with his head in a sack, That innocuous old man of Hong Kong. [Illustration] There was a young person in green, Who seldom was fit to be seen; She wore a long shawl, over bonnet and all, Which enveloped that person in green. [Illustration] There was an old person of Fife, Who was greatly disgusted with life; They sang him a ballad, and fed him on salad, Which cured that old person of Fife. [Illustration] There was an old man who screamed out Whenever they knocked him about: So they took off his boots, and fed him with fruits, And continued to knock him about. [Illustration] There was a young lady in white, Who looked out at the depths of the night; But the birds of the air, filled her heart with despair, And oppressed that young lady in white. [Illustration] There was an old person of Slough, Who danced at the end of a bough; But they said, "If you sneeze, you might damage the trees, You imprudent old person of Slough." [Illustration] There was an old person of Down, Whose face was adorned with a frown; When he opened the door, for one minute or more, He alarmed all the people of Down. [Illustration] There was a young person in red, Who carefully covered her head, With a bonnet of leather, and three lines of feather, Besides some long ribands of red. [Illustration] There was an old person of Hove, Who frequented the depths of a grove; Where he studied his books, with the wrens and the rooks, That tranquil old person of Hove. [Illustration] There was a young person in pink, Who called out for something to drink; But they said, "O my daughter, there's nothing but water!" Which vexed that young person in pink. [Illustration] There was an old lady of France, Who taught little ducklings to dance; When she said, "Tick-a-tack!" they only said, "Quack!" Which grieved that old lady of France. [Illustration] There was an old person of Putney, Whose food was roast spiders and chutney, Which he took with his tea, within sight of the sea, That romantic old person of Putney. [Illustration] There was an old person of Loo, Who said, "What on earth shall I do?" When they said, "Go away!" she continued to stay, That vexatious old person of Loo. [Illustration] There was an old person of Woking, Whose mind was perverse and provoking; He sate on a rail, with his head in a pail, That illusive old person of Woking. [Illustration] There was an old person of Dean Who dined on one pea, and one bean; For he said, "More than that, would make me too fat," That cautious old person of Dean. [Illustration] There was a young lady in blue, Who said, "Is it you? Is it you?" When they said, "Yes, it is," she replied only, "Whizz!" That ungracious young lady in blue. [Illustration] There was an old Man in a Garden, Who always begged every one's pardon; When they asked him, "What for?" he replied, "You're a bore! And I trust you'll go out of my garden." [Illustration] There was an old person of Pisa, Whose daughters did nothing to please her; She dressed them in gray, and banged them all day, Round the walls of the city of Pisa. [Illustration] There was an old person of Florence, Who held mutton chops in abhorrence; He purchased a Bustard, and fried him in Mustard, Which choked that old person of Florence. [Illustration] There was an old person of Sheen, Whose expression was calm and serene; He sate in the water, and drank bottled porter, That placid old person of Sheen. [Illustration] There was an old person of Ware, Who rode on the back of a bear; When they ask'd, "Does it trot?" he said, "Certainly not! He's a Moppsikon Floppsikon bear!" [Illustration] There was a young person of Janina, Whose uncle was always a fanning her; When he fanned off her head, she smiled sweetly, and said, "You propitious old person of Janina!" [Illustration] There was an old man of Cashmere, Whose movements were scroobious and queer; Being slender and tall, he looked over a wall, And perceived two fat ducks of Cashmere. [Illustration] There was an old person of Cassel, Whose nose finished off in a tassel; But they call'd out, "Oh well! don't it look like a bell!" Which perplexed that old person of Cassel. [Illustration] There was an old person of Pett, Who was partly consumed by regret; He sate in a cart, and ate cold apple tart, Which relieved that old person of Pett. [Illustration] There was an old man of Spithead, Who opened the window, and said,-- "Fil-jomble, fil-jumble, fil-rumble-come-tumble!" That doubtful old man of Spithead. [Illustration] There was an old man on the Border, Who lived in the utmost disorder; He danced with the cat, and made tea in his hat, Which vexed all the folks on the Border. [Illustration] There was an old man of Dumbree, Who taught little owls to drink tea; For he said, "To eat mice is not proper or nice," That amiable man of Dumbree. [Illustration] There was an old person of Filey, Of whom his acquaintance spoke highly; He danced perfectly well, to the sound of a bell, And delighted the people of Filey. [Illustration] There was an old man whose remorse Induced him to drink Caper Sauce; For they said, "If mixed up with some cold claret-cup, It will certainly soothe your remorse!" [Illustration] There was an old man of Ibreem, Who suddenly threaten'd to scream; But they said, "If you do, we will thump you quite blue, You disgusting old man of Ibreem!" [Illustration] There was an old person of Wilts, Who constantly walked upon stilts; He wreathed them with lilies and daffy-down-dillies, That elegant person of Wilts. [Illustration] There was an old person of Grange, Whose manners were scroobious and strange; He sailed to St. Blubb in a waterproof tub, That aquatic old person of Grange. [Illustration] There was an old person of Newry, Whose manners were tinctured with fury; He tore all the rugs, and broke all the jugs, Within twenty miles' distance of Newry. [Illustration] There was an old man of Dumblane, Who greatly resembled a crane; But they said, "Is it wrong, since your legs are so long, To request you won't stay in Dumblane?" [Illustration] There was an old man of Port Grigor, Whose actions were noted for vigour; He stood on his head till his waistcoat turned red, That eclectic old man of Port Grigor. [Illustration] There was an old man of El Hums, Who lived upon nothing but crumbs, Which he picked off the ground, with the other birds round, In the roads and the lanes of El Hums. [Illustration] There was an old man of West Dumpet, Who possessed a large nose like a trumpet; When he blew it aloud, it astonished the crowd, And was heard through the whole of West Dumpet. [Illustration] There was an old person of Sark, Who made an unpleasant remark; But they said, "Don't you see what a brute you must be, You obnoxious old person of Sark!" [Illustration] There was an old man whose despair Induced him to purchase a hare: Whereon one fine day he rode wholly away, Which partly assuaged his despair. [Illustration] There was an old person of Barnes, Whose garments were covered with darns; But they said, "Without doubt, you will soon wear them out, You luminous person of Barnes!" [Illustration] There was an old person of Nice, Whose associates were usually Geese. They walked out together in all sorts of weather, That affable person of Nice! [Illustration] There was a young lady of Greenwich, Whose garments were border'd with Spinach; But a large spotty Calf bit her shawl quite in half, Which alarmed that young lady of Greenwich. [Illustration] There was an old person of Cannes, Who purchased three fowls and a fan; Those she placed on a stool, and to make them feel cool She constantly fanned them at Cannes. [Illustration] There was an old person of Ickley, Who could not abide to ride quickly; He rode to Karnak on a tortoise's back, That moony old person of Ickley. [Illustration] There was an old person of Hyde, Who walked by the shore with his bride, Till a Crab who came near fill'd their bosoms with fear, And they said, "Would we'd never left Hyde!" [Illustration] There was an old person in gray, Whose feelings were tinged with dismay; She purchased two parrots, and fed them with carrots, Which pleased that old person in gray. [Illustration] There was an old man of Ancona, Who found a small dog with no owner, Which he took up and down all the streets of the town, That anxious old man of Ancona. [Illustration] There was an old person of Sestri, Who sate himself down in the vestry; When they said, "You are wrong!" he merely said "Bong!" That repulsive old person of Sestri. [Illustration] There was an old person of Blythe, Who cut up his meat with a scythe; When they said, "Well! I never!" he cried, "Scythes for ever!" That lively old person of Blythe. [Illustration] There was a young person of Ayr, Whose head was remarkably square: On the top, in fine weather, she wore a gold feather; Which dazzled the people of Ayr. [Illustration] There was an old person of Rimini, Who said, "Gracious! Goodness! O Gimini!" When they said, "Please be still!" she ran down a hill, And was never more heard of at Rimini. [Illustration] There is a young lady, whose nose, Continually prospers and grows; When it grew out of sight, she exclaimed in a fright, "Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!" [Illustration] There was an old person of Ealing, Who was wholly devoid of good feeling; He drove a small gig, with three Owls and a Pig, Which distressed all the people of Ealing. [Illustration] There was an old man of Thames Ditton, Who called out for something to sit on; But they brought him a hat, and said, "Sit upon that, You abruptious old man of Thames Ditton!" [Illustration] There was an old person of Bray, Who sang through the whole of the day To his ducks and his pigs, whom he fed upon figs, That valuable person of Bray. [Illustration] There was a young person whose history Was always considered a mystery; She sate in a ditch, although no one knew which, And composed a small treatise on history. [Illustration] There was an old person of Bow, Whom nobody happened to know; So they gave him some soap, and said coldly, "We hope You will go back directly to Bow!" [Illustration] There was an old person of Rye, Who went up to town on a fly; But they said, "If you cough, you are safe to fall off! You abstemious old person of Rye!" [Illustration] There was an old person of Crowle, Who lived in the nest of an owl; When they screamed in the nest, he screamed out with the rest, That depressing old person of Crowle. [Illustration] There was an old Lady of Winchelsea, Who said, "If you needle or pin shall see On the floor of my room, sweep it up with the broom!" That exhaustive old Lady of Winchelsea! [Illustration] There was an old man in a tree, Whose whiskers were lovely to see; But the birds of the air pluck'd them perfectly bare, To make themselves nests in that tree. [Illustration] There was a young lady of Corsica, Who purchased a little brown saucy-cur; Which she fed upon ham, and hot raspberry jam, That expensive young lady of Corsica. [Illustration] There was a young lady of Firle, Whose hair was addicted to curl; It curled up a tree, and all over the sea, That expansive young lady of Firle. [Illustration] There was an old person of Stroud, Who was horribly jammed in a crowd; Some she slew with a kick, some she scrunched with a stick, That impulsive old person of Stroud. [Illustration] There was an old man of Boulak, Who sate on a Crocodile's back; But they said, "Towr'ds the night he may probably bite, Which might vex you, old man of Boulak!" [Illustration] There was an old person of Skye, Who waltz'd with a Bluebottle fly: They buzz'd a sweet tune, to the light of the moon, And entranced all the people of Skye. [Illustration] There was an old man of Blackheath, Whose head was adorned with a wreath Of lobsters and spice, pickled onions and mice, That uncommon old man of Blackheath. [Illustration] There was an old man, who when little Fell casually into a kettle; But, growing too stout, he could never get out, So he passed all his life in that kettle. [Illustration] There was an old person of Dundalk, Who tried to teach fishes to walk; When they tumbled down dead, he grew weary, and said, "I had better go back to Dundalk!" [Illustration] There was an old person of Shoreham, Whose habits were marked by decorum; He bought an Umbrella, and sate in the cellar, Which pleased all the people of Shoreham. [Illustration] There was an old person of Bar, Who passed all her life in a jar, Which she painted pea-green, to appear more serene, That placid old person of Bar. [Illustration] There was a young person of Kew, Whose virtues and vices were few; But with blamable haste she devoured some hot paste, Which destroyed that young person of Kew. [Illustration] There was an old person of Jodd, Whose ways were perplexing and odd; She purchased a whistle, and sate on a thistle, And squeaked to the people of Jodd. [Illustration] There was an old person of Bude, Whose deportment was vicious and crude; He wore a large ruff of pale straw-colored stuff, Which perplexed all the people of Bude. [Illustration] There was an old person of Brigg, Who purchased no end of a wig; So that only his nose, and the end of his toes, Could be seen when he walked about Brigg. [Illustration] There was an old man of Messina, Whose daughter was named Opsibeena; She wore a small wig, and rode out on a pig, To the perfect delight of Messina. TWENTY-SIX NONSENSE RHYMES AND PICTURES. [Illustration] The Absolutely Abstemious Ass, who resided in a Barrel, and only lived on Soda Water and Pickled Cucumbers. [Illustration] The Bountiful Beetle, who always carried a Green Umbrella when it didn't rain, and left it at home when it did. [Illustration] The Comfortable Confidential Cow, who sate in her Red Morocco Arm Chair and toasted her own Bread at the parlour Fire. [Illustration] The Dolomphious Duck, who caught Spotted Frogs for her dinner with a Runcible Spoon. [Illustration] The Enthusiastic Elephant, who ferried himself across the water with the Kitchen Poker and a New pair of Ear-rings. [Illustration] The Fizzgiggious Fish, who always walked about upon Stilts, because he had no legs. [Illustration] The Good-natured Grey Gull, who carried the Old Owl, and his Crimson Carpet-bag, across the river, because he could not swim. [Illustration] The Hasty Higgeldipiggledy Hen, who went to market in a Blue Bonnet and Shawl, and bought a Fish for her Supper. [Illustration] The Inventive Indian, who caught a Remarkable Rabbit in a Stupendous Silver Spoon. [Illustration] The Judicious Jubilant Jay, who did up her Back Hair every morning with a Wreath of Roses, Three feathers, and a Gold Pin. [Illustration] The Kicking Kangaroo, who wore a Pale Pink Muslin dress with Blue spots. [Illustration] The Lively Learned Lobster, who mended his own Clothes with a Needle and Thread. [Illustration] The Melodious Meritorious Mouse, who played a merry minuet on the Piano-forte. [Illustration] The Nutritious Newt, who purchased a Round Plum-pudding for his grand-daughter. [Illustration] The Obsequious Ornamental Ostrich, who wore Boots to keep his feet quite dry. [Illustration: PARSNIP PIE] The Perpendicular Purple Polly, who read the Newspaper and ate Parsnip Pie with his Spectacles. [Illustration] The Queer Querulous Quail, who smoked a Pipe of tobacco on the top of a Tin Tea-kettle. [Illustration] The Rural Runcible Raven, who wore a White Wig and flew away with the Carpet Broom. [Illustration] The Scroobious Snake, who always wore a Hat on his Head, for fear he should bite anybody. [Illustration] The Tumultuous Tom-tommy Tortoise, who beat a Drum all day long in the middle of the wilderness. [Illustration] The Umbrageous Umbrella-maker, whose Face nobody ever saw, because it was always covered by his Umbrella. [Illustration] The Visibly Vicious Vulture, who wrote some Verses to a Veal-cutlet in a Volume bound in Vellum. [Illustration] The Worrying Whizzing Wasp, who stood on a Table, and played sweetly on a Flute with a Morning Cap. [Illustration] The Excellent Double-extra XX imbibing King Xerxes, who lived a long while ago. [Illustration] The Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, whose Head was ever so much bigger than his Body, and whose Hat was rather small. [Illustration] The Zigzag Zealous Zebra, who carried five Monkeys on his back all the way to Jellibolee. * * * * * LAUGHABLE LYRICS A Fourth Book of Nonsense Poems, Songs, Botany, Music, etc. by EDWARD LEAR Author of the _Book of Nonsense_, _More Nonsense_, _Nonsense Songs, Stories_, etc., etc. With All the Original Illustrations. [Illustration] CONTENTS LAUGHABLE LYRICS. THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE THE TWO OLD BACHELORS THE PELICAN CHORUS THE YONGHY-BONGHY-Bò THE POBBLE WHO HAS NO TOES THE NEW VESTMENTS MR. AND MRS. DISCOBBOLOS THE QUANGLE WANGLE'S HAT THE CUMMERBUND THE AKOND OF SWAT NONSENSE BOTANY " ALPHABET, No. 5 " " No. 6 * * * * * LAUGHABLE LYRICS. THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE. [Illustration] When awful darkness and silence reign Over the great Gromboolian plain, Through the long, long wintry nights; When the angry breakers roar As they beat on the rocky shore; When Storm-clouds brood on the towering heights Of the Hills of the Chankly Bore,-- Then, through the vast and gloomy dark There moves what seems a fiery spark,-- A lonely spark with silvery rays Piercing the coal-black night,-- A Meteor strange and bright: Hither and thither the vision strays, A single lurid light. Slowly it wanders, pauses, creeps,-- Anon it sparkles, flashes, and leaps; And ever as onward it gleaming goes A light on the Bong-tree stems it throws. And those who watch at that midnight hour From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower, Cry, as the wild light passes along,-- "The Dong! the Dong! The wandering Dong through the forest goes! The Dong! the Dong! The Dong with a luminous Nose!" Long years ago The Dong was happy and gay, Till he fell in love with a Jumbly Girl Who came to those shores one day. For the Jumblies came in a sieve, they did,-- Landing at eve near the Zemmery Fidd Where the Oblong Oysters grow, And the rocks are smooth and gray. And all the woods and the valleys rang With the Chorus they daily and nightly sang,-- "_Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live; Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a sieve._" Happily, happily passed those days! While the cheerful Jumblies staid; They danced in circlets all night long, To the plaintive pipe of the lively Dong, In moonlight, shine, or shade. For day and night he was always there By the side of the Jumbly Girl so fair, With her sky-blue hands and her sea-green hair; Till the morning came of that hateful day When the Jumblies sailed in their sieve away, And the Dong was left on the cruel shore Gazing, gazing for evermore,-- Ever keeping his weary eyes on That pea-green sail on the far horizon,-- Singing the Jumbly Chorus still As he sate all day on the grassy hill,-- "_Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live; Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a sieve_." But when the sun was low in the West, The Dong arose and said,-- "What little sense I once possessed Has quite gone out of my head!" And since that day he wanders still By lake and forest, marsh and hill, Singing, "O somewhere, in valley or plain, Might I find my Jumbly Girl again! For ever I'll seek by lake and shore Till I find my Jumbly Girl once more!" Playing a pipe with silvery squeaks, Since then his Jumbly Girl he seeks; And because by night he could not see, He gathered the bark of the Twangum Tree On the flowery plain that grows. And he wove him a wondrous Nose,-- A Nose as strange as a Nose could be! Of vast proportions and painted red, And tied with cords to the back of his head. In a hollow rounded space it ended With a luminous Lamp within suspended, All fenced about With a bandage stout To prevent the wind from blowing it out; And with holes all round to send the light In gleaming rays on the dismal night And now each night, and all night long, Over those plains still roams the Dong; And above the wail of the Chimp and Snipe You may hear the squeak of his plaintive pipe, While ever he seeks, but seeks in vain, To meet with his Jumbly Girl again; Lonely and wild, all night he goes,-- The Dong with a luminous Nose! And all who watch at the midnight hour, From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower, Cry, as they trace the Meteor bright, Moving along through the dreary night,-- "This is the hour when forth he goes, The Dong with a luminous Nose! Yonder, over the plain he goes,-- He goes! He goes,-- The Dong with a luminous Nose!" THE TWO OLD BACHELORS. [Illustration] Two old Bachelors were living in one house; One caught a Muffin, the other caught a Mouse. Said he who caught the Muffin to him who caught the Mouse,-- "This happens just in time! For we've nothing in the house, Save a tiny slice of lemon and a teaspoonful of honey, And what to do for dinner--since we haven't any money? And what can we expect if we haven't any dinner, But to lose our teeth and eyelashes and keep on growing thinner?" Said he who caught the Mouse to him who caught the Muffin,-- "We might cook this little Mouse, if we only had some Stuffin'! If we had but Sage and Onion we could do extremely well; But how to get that Stuffin' it is difficult to tell!" Those two old Bachelors ran quickly to the town And asked for Sage and Onion as they wandered up and down; They borrowed two large Onions, but no Sage was to be found In the Shops, or in the Market, or in all the Gardens round. But some one said, "A hill there is, a little to the north, And to its purpledicular top a narrow way leads forth; And there among the rugged rocks abides an ancient Sage,-- An earnest Man, who reads all day a most perplexing page. Climb up, and seize him by the toes,--all studious as he sits,-- And pull him down, and chop him into endless little bits! Then mix him with your Onion (cut up likewise into Scraps),-- When your Stuffin' will be ready, and very good--perhaps." Those two old Bachelors without loss of time The nearly purpledicular crags at once began to climb; And at the top, among the rocks, all seated in a nook, They saw that Sage a-reading of a most enormous book. "You earnest Sage!" aloud they cried, "your book you've read enough in! We wish to chop you into bits to mix you into Stuffin'!" But that old Sage looked calmly up, and with his awful book, At those two Bachelors' bald heads a certain aim he took; And over Crag and precipice they rolled promiscuous down,-- At once they rolled, and never stopped in lane or field or town; And when they reached their house, they found (besides their want of Stuffin'), The Mouse had fled--and, previously, had eaten up the Muffin. They left their home in silence by the once convivial door; And from that hour those Bachelors were never heard of more. [Illustration: Sheet Music--The Pelicans] [Illustration] THE PELICAN CHORUS. King and Queen of the Pelicans we; No other Birds so grand we see! None but we have feet like fins! With lovely leathery throats and chins! Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican Jill! We think so then, and we thought so still We live on the Nile. The Nile we love. By night we sleep on the cliffs above; By day we fish, and at eve we stand On long bare islands of yellow sand. And when the sun sinks slowly down, And the great rock walls grow dark and brown, Where the purple river rolls fast and dim And the Ivory Ibis starlike skim, Wing to wing we dance around, Stamping our feet with a flumpy sound, Opening our mouths as Pelicans ought; And this is the song we nightly snort,-- Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! We think so then, and we thought so still! Last year came out our Daughter Dell, And all the Birds received her well. To do her honor a feast we made For every bird that can swim or wade,-- Herons and Gulls, and Cormorants black, Cranes, and Flamingoes with scarlet back, Plovers and Storks, and Geese in clouds, Swans and Dilberry Ducks in crowds: Thousands of Birds in wondrous flight! They ate and drank and danced all night, And echoing back from the rocks you heard Multitude-echoes from Bird and Bird,-- Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! We think so then, and we thought so still! Yes, they came; and among the rest The King of the Cranes all grandly dressed. Such a lovely tail! Its feathers float Between the ends of his blue dress-coat; With pea-green trowsers all so neat, And a delicate frill to hide his feet (For though no one speaks of it, every one knows He has got no webs between his toes). As soon as he saw our Daughter Dell, In violent love that Crane King fell,-- On seeing her waddling form so fair, With a wreath of shrimps in her short white hair. And before the end of the next long day Our Dell had given her heart away; For the King of the Cranes had won that heart With a Crocodile's egg and a large fish-tart. She vowed to marry the King of the Cranes, Leaving the Nile for stranger plains; And away they flew in a gathering crowd Of endless birds in a lengthening cloud. Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! We think so then, and we thought so still! And far away in the twilight sky We heard them singing a lessening cry,-- Farther and farther, till out of sight, And we stood alone in the silent night! Often since, in the nights of June, We sit on the sand and watch the moon,-- She has gone to the great Gromboolian Plain, And we probably never shall meet again! Oft, in the long still nights of June, We sit on the rocks and watch the moon,-- She dwells by the streams of the Chankly Bore. And we probably never shall see her more. Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! We think so then, and we thought so still! [NOTE.--The Air of this and the following Song by Edward Lear; the Arrangement for the Piano by Professor Pomè, of San Remo, Italy.] [Illustration: Sheet Music--The Yonghy Bonghy Bò] THE COURTSHIP OF THE YONGHY-BONGHY-BÒ. [Illustration] I. On the Coast of Coromandel Where the early pumpkins blow, In the middle of the woods Lived the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. Two old chairs, and half a candle, One old jug without a handle,-- These were all his worldly goods: In the middle of the woods, These were all the worldly goods Of the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, Of the Yonghy-Bonghy Bò. II. Once, among the Bong-trees walking Where the early pumpkins blow, To a little heap of stones Came the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. There he heard a Lady talking, To some milk-white Hens of Dorking,-- "'Tis the Lady Jingly Jones! On that little heap of stones Sits the Lady Jingly Jones!" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. III. "Lady Jingly! Lady Jingly! Sitting where the pumpkins blow, Will you come and be my wife?" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. "I am tired of living singly-- On this coast so wild and shingly,-- I'm a-weary of my life; If you'll come and be my wife, Quite serene would be my life!" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. IV. "On this Coast of Coromandel Shrimps and watercresses grow, Prawns are plentiful and cheap," Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. "You shall have my chairs and candle, And my jug without a handle! Gaze upon the rolling deep (Fish is plentiful and cheap); As the sea, my love is deep!" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. V. Lady Jingly answered sadly, And her tears began to flow,-- "Your proposal comes too late, Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò! I would be your wife most gladly!" (Here she twirled her fingers madly,) "But in England I've a mate! Yes! you've asked me far too late, For in England I've a mate, Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò! Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò! VI. "Mr. Jones (his name is Handel,-- Handel Jones, Esquire, & Co.) Dorking fowls delights to send, Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò! Keep, oh, keep your chairs and candle, And your jug without a handle,-- I can merely be your friend! Should my Jones more Dorkings send, I will give you three, my friend! Mr. Yonghy-Bongy-Bò! Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò! VII. "Though you've such a tiny body, And your head so large doth grow,-- Though your hat may blow away, Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò! Though you're such a Hoddy Doddy, Yet I wish that I could modi- fy the words I needs must say! Will you please to go away? That is all I have to say, Mr. Yongby-Bonghy-Bò! Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò!" VIII. Down the slippery slopes of Myrtle, Where the early pumpkins blow, To the calm and silent sea Fled the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. There, beyond the Bay of Gurtle, Lay a large and lively Turtle. "You're the Cove," he said, "for me; On your back beyond the sea, Turtle, you shall carry me!" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. [Illustration] IX. Through the silent-roaring ocean Did the Turtle swiftly go; Holding fast upon his shell Rode the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. With a sad primaeval motion Towards the sunset isles of Boshen Still the Turtle bore him well. Holding fast upon his shell, "Lady Jingly Jones, farewell!" Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. X. From the Coast of Coromandel Did that Lady never go; On that heap of stones she mourns For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. On that Coast of Coromandel, In his jug without a handle Still she weeps, and daily moans; On that little heap of stones To her Dorking Hens she moans, For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò, For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bò. THE POBBLE WHO HAS NO TOES. [Illustration] I. The Pobble who has no toes Had once as many as we; When they said, "Some day you may lose them all;" He replied, "Fish fiddle de-dee!" And his Aunt Jobiska made him drink Lavender water tinged with pink; For she said, "The World in general knows There's nothing so good for a Pobble's toes!" II. The Pobble who has no toes, Swam across the Bristol Channel; But before he set out he wrapped his nose In a piece of scarlet flannel. For his Aunt Jobiska said, "No harm Can come to his toes if his nose is warm; And it's perfectly known that a Pobble's toes Are safe--provided he minds his nose." III. The Pobble swam fast and well, And when boats or ships came near him, He tinkledy-binkledy-winkled a bell So that all the world could hear him. And all the Sailors and Admirals cried, When they saw him nearing the further side,-- "He has gone to fish, for his Aunt Jobiska's Runcible Cat with crimson whiskers!" IV. But before he touched the shore,-- The shore of the Bristol Channel, A sea-green Porpoise carried away His wrapper of scarlet flannel. And when he came to observe his feet, Formerly garnished with toes so neat, His face at once became forlorn On perceiving that all his toes were gone! V. And nobody ever knew, From that dark day to the present, Whoso had taken the Pobble's toes, In a manner so far from pleasant. Whether the shrimps or crawfish gray, Or crafty Mermaids stole them away, Nobody knew; and nobody knows How the Pobble was robbed of his twice five toes! VI. The Pobble who has no toes Was placed in a friendly Bark, And they rowed him back, and carried him up To his Aunt Jobiska's Park. And she made him a feast, at his earnest wish, Of eggs and buttercups fried with fish; And she said, "It's a fact the whole world knows, That Pobbles are happier without their toes." THE NEW VESTMENTS. There lived an old man in the Kingdom of Tess, Who invented a purely original dress; And when it was perfectly made and complete, He opened the door and walked into the street. By way of a hat he'd a loaf of Brown Bread, In the middle of which he inserted his head; His Shirt was made up of no end of dead Mice, The warmth of whose skins was quite fluffy and nice; His Drawers were of Rabbit-skins, so were his Shoes; His Stockings were skins, but it is not known whose; His Waistcoat and Trowsers were made of Pork Chops; His Buttons were Jujubes and Chocolate Drops; His Coat was all Pancakes, with Jam for a border, And a girdle of Biscuits to keep it in order; And he wore over all, as a screen from bad weather, A Cloak of green Cabbage-leaves stitched all together. He had walked a short way, when he heard a great noise, Of all sorts of Beasticles, Birdlings, and Boys; And from every long street and dark lane in the town Beasts, Birdies, and Boys in a tumult rushed down. Two Cows and a Calf ate his Cabbage-leaf Cloak; Four Apes seized his Girdle, which vanished like smoke; Three Kids ate up half of his Pancaky Coat, And the tails were devour'd by an ancient He Goat; An army of Dogs in a twinkling tore _up_ his Pork Waistcoat and Trowsers to give to their Puppies; And while they were growling, and mumbling the Chops, Ten Boys prigged the Jujubes and Chocolate Drops. He tried to run back to his house, but in vain, For scores of fat Pigs came again and again: They rushed out of stables and hovels and doors; They tore off his stockings, his shoes, and his drawers; And now from the housetops with screechings descend Striped, spotted, white, black, and gray Cats without end: They jumped on his shoulders and knocked off his hat, When Crows, Ducks, and Hens made a mincemeat of that; They speedily flew at his sleeves in a trice, And utterly tore up his Shirt of dead Mice; They swallowed the last of his Shirt with a squall,-- Whereon he ran home with no clothes on at all. And he said to himself, as he bolted the door, "I will not wear a similar dress any more, Any more, any more, any more, never more!" MR. AND MRS. DISCOBBOLOS. I. Mr. and Mrs. Discobbolos Climbed to the top of a wall. And they sate to watch the sunset sky, And to hear the Nupiter Piffkin cry, And the Biscuit Buffalo call. They took up a roll and some Camomile tea, And both were as happy as happy could be, Till Mrs. Discobbolos said,-- "Oh! W! X! Y! Z! It has just come into my head, Suppose we should happen to fall!!!!! Darling Mr. Discobbolos! II. "Suppose we should fall down flumpetty, Just like pieces of stone, On to the thorns, or into the moat, What would become of your new green coat? And might you not break a bone? It never occurred to me before, That perhaps we shall never go down any more!" And Mrs. Discobbolos said, "Oh! W! X! Y! Z! What put it into your head To climb up this wall, my own Darling Mr. Discobbolos?" III. Mr. Discobbolos answered, "At first it gave me pain, And I felt my ears turn perfectly pink When your exclamation made me think We might never get down again! But now I believe it is wiser far To remain for ever just where we are." And Mr. Discobbolos said, "Oh! W! X! Y! Z! It has just come into my head We shall never go down again, Dearest Mrs. Discobbolos!" IV. So Mr. and Mrs. Discobbolos Stood up and began to sing,-- "Far away from hurry and strife Here we will pass the rest of life, Ding a dong, ding dong, ding! We want no knives nor forks nor chairs, No tables nor carpets nor household cares; From worry of life we've fled; Oh! W! X! Y! Z! There is no more trouble ahead, Sorrow or any such thing, For Mr. and Mrs. Discobbolos!" THE QUANGLE WANGLE'S HAT. [Illustration] I. On the top of the Crumpetty Tree The Quangle Wangle sat, But his face you could not see, On account of his Beaver Hat. For his Hat was a hundred and two feet wide, With ribbons and bibbons on every side, And bells, and buttons, and loops, and lace, So that nobody ever could see the face Of the Quangle Wangle Quee. II. The Quangle Wangle said To himself on the Crumpetty Tree, "Jam, and jelly, and bread Are the best of food for me! But the longer I live on this Crumpetty Tree The plainer than ever it seems to me That very few people come this way And that life on the whole is far from gay!" Said the Quangle Wangle Quee. III. But there came to the Crumpetty Tree Mr. and Mrs. Canary; And they said, "Did ever you see Any spot so charmingly airy? May we build a nest on your lovely Hat? Mr. Quangle Wangle, grant us that! O please let us come and build a nest Of whatever material suits you best, Mr. Quangle Wangle Quee!" IV. And besides, to the Crumpetty Tree Came the Stork, the Duck, and the Owl; The Snail and the Bumble-Bee, The Frog and the Fimble Fowl (The Fimble Fowl, with a Corkscrew leg); And all of them said, "We humbly beg We may build our homes on your lovely Hat,-- Mr. Quangle Wangle, grant us that! Mr. Quangle Wangle Quee!" V. And the Golden Grouse came there, And the Pobble who has no toes, And the small Olympian bear, And the Dong with a luminous nose. And the Blue Baboon who played the flute, And the Orient Calf from the Land of Tute, And the Attery Squash, and the Bisky Bat,-- All came and built on the lovely Hat Of the Quangle Wangle Quee. VI. And the Quangle Wangle said To himself on the Crumpetty Tree, "When all these creatures move What a wonderful noise there'll be!" And at night by the light of the Mulberry moon They danced to the Flute of the Blue Baboon, On the broad green leaves of the Crumpetty Tree, And all were as happy as happy could be, With the Quangle Wangle Quee. THE CUMMERBUND. An Indian Poem. I. She sate upon her Dobie, To watch the Evening Star, And all the Punkahs, as they passed, Cried, "My! how fair you are!" Around her bower, with quivering leaves, The tall Kamsamahs grew, And Kitmutgars in wild festoons Hung down from Tchokis blue. II. Below her home the river rolled With soft meloobious sound, Where golden-finned Chuprassies swam, In myriads circling round. Above, on tallest trees remote Green Ayahs perched alone, And all night long the Mussak moan'd Its melancholy tone. III. And where the purple Nullahs threw Their branches far and wide, And silvery Goreewallahs flew In silence, side by side, The little Bheesties' twittering cry Rose on the flagrant air, And oft the angry Jampan howled Deep in his hateful lair. IV. She sate upon her Dobie, She heard the Nimmak hum, When all at once a cry arose, "The Cummerbund is come!" In vain she fled: with open jaws The angry monster followed, And so (before assistance came) That Lady Fair was swollowed. V. They sought in vain for even a bone Respectfully to bury; They said, "Hers was a dreadful fate!" (And Echo answered, "Very.") They nailed her Dobie to the wall, Where last her form was seen, And underneath they wrote these words, In yellow, blue, and green: "Beware, ye Fair! Ye Fair, beware! Nor sit out late at night, Lest horrid Cummerbunds should come, And swollow you outright." NOTE.--First published in _Times of India_, Bombay, July, 1874. THE AKOND OF SWAT. Who, or why, or which, or _what_, Is the Akond of SWAT? Is he tall or short, or dark or fair? Does he sit on a stool or a sofa or chair, or SQUAT, The Akond of Swat? Is he wise or foolish, young or old? Does he drink his soup and his coffee cold, or HOT, The Akond of Swat? Does he sing or whistle, jabber or talk, And when riding abroad does he gallop or walk, or TROT, The Akond of Swat? Does he wear a turban, a fez, or a hat? Does he sleep on a mattress, a bed, or a mat, or a COT, The Akond of Swat? When he writes a copy in round-hand size, Does he cross his T's and finish his I's with a DOT, The Akond of Swat? Can he write a letter concisely clear Without a speck or a smudge or smear or BLOT, The Akond of Swat? Do his people like him extremely well? Or do they, whenever they can, rebel, or PLOT, At the Akond of Swat? If he catches them then, either old or young, Does he have them chopped in pieces or hung, or _shot_, The Akond of Swat? Do his people prig in the lanes or park? Or even at times, when days are dark, GAROTTE? O the Akond of Swat! Does he study the wants of his own dominion? Or doesn't he care for public opinion a JOT, The Akond of Swat? To amuse his mind do his people show him Pictures, or any one's last new poem, or WHAT, For the Akond of Swat? At night if he suddenly screams and wakes, Do they bring him only a few small cakes, or a LOT, For the Akond of Swat? Does he live on turnips, tea, or tripe? Does he like his shawl to be marked with a stripe, or a DOT, The Akond of Swat? Does he like to lie on his back in a boat Like the lady who lived in that isle remote, SHALLOTT, The Akond of Swat? Is he quiet, or always making a fuss? Is his steward a Swiss or a Swede or a Russ, or a SCOT, The Akond of Swat? Does he like to sit by the calm blue wave? Or to sleep and snore in a dark green cave, or a GROTT, The Akond of Swat? Does he drink small beer from a silver jug? Or a bowl? or a glass? or a cup? or a mug? or a POT, The Akond of Swat? Does he beat his wife with a gold-topped pipe, When she lets the gooseberries grow too ripe, or ROT, The Akond of Swat? Does he wear a white tie when he dines with friends, And tie it neat in a bow with ends, or a KNOT, The Akond of Swat? Does he like new cream, and hate mince-pies? When he looks at the sun does he wink his eyes, or NOT, The Akond of Swat? Does he teach his subjects to roast and bake? Does he sail about on an inland lake, in a YACHT, The Akond of Swat? Some one, or nobody, knows I wot Who or which or why or what Is the Akond of Swat! NOTE.--For the existence of this potentate see Indian newspapers, _passim_. The proper way to read the verses is to make an immense emphasis on the monosyllabic rhymes, which indeed ought to be shouted out by a chorus. * * * * * NONSENSE BOTANY. [Illustration: Armchairia Comfortabilis.] [Illustration: Bassia Palealensis.] [Illustration: Bubblia Blowpipia.] [Illustration: Bluebottlia Buzztilentia.] [Illustration: Crabbia Horrida.] [Illustration: Smalltoothcombia Domestica.] [Illustration: Knutmigrata Simplice.] [Illustration: Tureenia Ladlecum.] [Illustration: Puffia Leatherbellowsa.] [Illustration: Queeriflora Babyöides.] * * * * * NONSENSE ALPHABETS. A [Illustration] A was an Area Arch Where washerwomen sat; They made a lot of lovely starch To starch Papa's Cravat. B [Illustration] B was a Bottle blue, Which was not very small; Papa he filled it full of beer, And then he drank it all. C [Illustration] C was Papa's gray Cat, Who caught a squeaky Mouse; She pulled him by his twirly tail All about the house. D [Illustration] D was Papa's white Duck, Who had a curly tail; One day it ate a great fat frog, Besides a leetle snail. E [Illustration] E was a little Egg, Upon the breakfast table; Papa came in and ate it up As fast as he was able. F [Illustration] F was a little Fish. Cook in the river took it Papa said, "Cook! Cook! bring a dish! And, Cook! be quick and cook it!" G [Illustration] G was Papa's new Gun; He put it in a box; And then he went and bought a bun, And walked about the Docks. H [Illustration] H was Papa's new Hat; He wore it on his head; Outside it was completely black, But inside it was red. I [Illustration] I was an Inkstand new, Papa he likes to use it; He keeps it in his pocket now, For fear that he should lose it. J [Illustration] J was some Apple Jam, Of which Papa ate part; But all the rest he took away And stuffed into a tart. K [Illustration] K was a great new Kite; Papa he saw it fly Above a thousand chimney pots, And all about the sky. L [Illustration] L was a fine new Lamp; But when the wick was lit, Papa he said, "This Light ain't good! I cannot read a bit!" M [Illustration] M was a dish of mince; It looked so good to eat! Papa, he quickly ate it up, And said, "This is a treat!" N [Illustration] N was a Nut that grew High up upon a tree; Papa, who could not reach it, said, "That's _much_ too high for me!" O [Illustration] O was an Owl who flew All in the dark away, Papa said, "What an owl you are! Why don't you fly by day?" P [Illustration] P was a little Pig, Went out to take a walk; Papa he said, "If Piggy dead, He'd all turn into Pork!" Q [Illustration] Q was a Quince that hung Upon a garden tree; Papa he brought it with him home, And ate it with his tea. R [Illustration] R was a Railway Rug Extremely large and warm; Papa he wrapped it round his head, In a most dreadful storm. S [Illustration] S was Papa's new Stick, Papa's new thumping Stick, To thump extremely wicked boys, Because it was so thick. T [Illustration] T was a tumbler full Of Punch all hot and good; Papa he drank it up, when in The middle of a wood. U [Illustration] U was a silver urn, Full of hot scalding water; Papa said, "If that Urn were mine, I'd give it to my daughter!" V [Illustration] V was a Villain; once He stole a piece of beef. Papa he said, "Oh, dreadful man! That Villain is a Thief!" W [Illustration] W was a Watch of Gold: It told the time of day, So that Papa knew when to come, And when to go away. X [Illustration] X was King Xerxes, whom Papa much wished to know; But this he could not do, because Xerxes died long ago. Y [Illustration] Y was a Youth, who kicked And screamed and cried like mad; Papa he said, "Your conduct is Abominably bad!" Z [Illustration] Z was a Zebra striped And streaked with lines of black; Papa said once, he thought he'd like A ride upon his back. ALPHABET, No. 6. A tumbled down, and hurt his Arm, against a bit of wood, B said. "My Boy, oh, do not cry; it cannot do you good!" C said, "A Cup of Coffee hot can't do you any harm." D said, "A Doctor should be fetched, and he would cure the arm." E said, "An Egg beat up with milk would quickly make him well." F said, "A Fish, if broiled, might cure, if only by the smell." G said, "Green Gooseberry fool, the best of cures I hold." H said, "His Hat should be kept on, to keep him from the cold." I said, "Some Ice upon his head will make him better soon." J said, "Some Jam, if spread on bread, or given in a spoon!" K said, "A Kangaroo is here,--this picture let him see." L said, "A Lamp pray keep alight, to make some barley tea." M said, "A Mulberry or two might give him satisfaction." N said, "Some Nuts, if rolled about, might be a slight attraction." O said, "An Owl might make him laugh, if only it would wink." P said, "Some Poetry might be read aloud, to make him think." Q said, "A Quince I recommend,--a Quince, or else a Quail." R said, "Some Rats might make him move, if fastened by their tail." S said, "A Song should now be sung, in hopes to make him laugh!" T said, "A Turnip might avail, if sliced or cut in half!" U said, "An Urn, with water hot, place underneath his chin!" V said, "I'll stand upon a chair, and play a Violin!" W said, "Some Whisky-Whizzgigs fetch, some marbles and a ball!" X said, "Some double XX ale would be the best of all!" Y said, "Some Yeast mixed up with salt would make a perfect plaster!" Z said, "Here is a box of Zinc! Get in, my little master! We'll shut you up! We'll nail you down! We will, my little master! We think we've all heard quite enough of this your sad disaster!" 
33582	----	RHYME? AND REASON? [Illustration: "UPON A BATTLEMENT." _See_ p. 30.] RHYME? AND REASON? BY LEWIS CARROLL _WITH SIXTY-FIVE ILLUSTRATIONS_ BY ARTHUR B. FROST _AND NINE_ BY HENRY HOLIDAY I have had nor rhyme nor reason _PRICE SEVEN SHILLINGS_ London MACMILLAN AND CO. 1883 [_All Rights Reserved_] London: R. CLAY, SONS, AND TAYLOR BREAD STREET HILL, E.C. Inscribed to a dear Child: in memory of golden summer hours and whispers of a summer sea. * * * * * Girt with a boyish garb for boyish task, Eager she wields her spade: yet loves as well Rest on a friendly knee, intent to ask The tale one loves to tell. Rude scoffer of the seething outer strife, Unmeet to read her pure and simple spright, Deem, if thou wilt, such hours a waste of life, Empty of all delight! Chat on, sweet Maid, and rescue from annoy Hearts that by wiser talk are unbeguiled; Ah, happy he who owns that tenderest joy, The heart-love of a child! Away, fond thoughts, and vex my soul no more! Work claims my wakeful nights, my busy days Albeit bright memories of that sunlit shore Yet haunt my dreaming gaze! [Of the following poems, ECHOES, A GAME OF FIVES, the last three of the FOUR RIDDLES, and FAME'S PENNY-TRUMPET, are here published for the first time. The others have all appeared before, as have also the illustrations to THE HUNTING OF THE SNARK.] CONTENTS. PAGE PHANTASMAGORIA, in Seven Cantos:-- I. The Trystyng 1 II. Hys Fyve Rules 10 III. Scarmoges 18 IV. Hys Nouryture 26 V. Byckerment 34 VI. Dyscomfyture 44 VII. Sad Souvenaunce 53 ECHOES 58 A SEA DIRGE 59 Y{E} CARPETTE KNYGHTE 64 HIAWATHA'S PHOTOGRAPHING 66 MELANCHOLETTA 78 A VALENTINE 84 THE THREE VOICES:-- The First Voice 87 The Second Voice 98 The Third Voice 109 TÈMA CON VARIAZIÓNI 118 A GAME OF FIVES 120 POETA FIT, NON NASCITUR 123 THE HUNTING OF THE SNARK, an Agony in Eight Fits:-- I. THE LANDING 134 II. THE BELLMAN'S SPEECH 142 III. THE BAKER'S TALE 148 IV. THE HUNTING 153 V. THE BEAVER'S LESSON 159 VI. THE BARRISTER'S DREAM 167 VII. THE BANKER'S FATE 173 VIII. THE VANISHING 177 SIZE AND TEARS 181 ATALANTA IN CAMDEN TOWN 186 THE LANG COORTIN' 190 FOUR RIDDLES 202 FAME'S PENNY-TRUMPET 211 PHANTASMAGORIA. CANTO I. The Trystyng. One winter night, at half-past nine, Cold, tired, and cross, and muddy, I had come home, too late to dine, And supper, with cigars and wine, Was waiting in the study. There was a strangeness in the room, And Something white and wavy Was standing near me in the gloom-- _I_ took it for the carpet-broom Left by that careless slavey. [Illustration] But presently the Thing began To shiver and to sneeze: On which I said "Come, come, my man! That's a most inconsiderate plan. Less noise there, if you please!" "I've caught a cold," the Thing replies, "Out there upon the landing." I turned to look in some surprise, And there, before my very eyes, A little Ghost was standing! He trembled when he caught my eye, And got behind a chair. "How came you here," I said, "and why? I never saw a thing so shy. Come out! Don't shiver there!" He said "I'd gladly tell you how, And also tell you why; But" (here he gave a little bow) "You're in so bad a temper now, You'd think it all a lie. "And as to being in a fright, Allow me to remark That Ghosts have just as good a right, In every way, to fear the light, As Men to fear the dark." "No plea," said I, "can well excuse Such cowardice in you: For Ghosts can visit when they choose, Whereas we Humans ca'n't refuse To grant the interview." He said "A flutter of alarm Is not unnatural, is it? I really feared you meant some harm: But, now I see that you are calm, Let me explain my visit. "Houses are classed, I beg to state, According to the number Of Ghosts that they accommodate: (The Tenant merely counts as _weight_, With Coals and other lumber). "This is a 'one-ghost' house, and you When you arrived last summer, May have remarked a Spectre who Was doing all that Ghosts can do To welcome the new-comer. "In Villas this is always done-- However cheaply rented: For, though of course there's less of fun When there is only room for one, Ghosts have to be contented. "That Spectre left you on the Third-- Since then you've not been haunted: For, as he never sent us word, 'Twas quite by accident we heard That any one was wanted. "A Spectre has first choice, by right, In filling up a vacancy; Then Phantom, Goblin, Elf, and Sprite-- If all these fail them, they invite The nicest Ghoul that they can see. "The Spectres said the place was low, And that you kept bad wine: So, as a Phantom had to go, And I was first, of course, you know, I couldn't well decline." "No doubt," said I, "they settled who Was fittest to be sent: Yet still to choose a brat like you, To haunt a man of forty-two, Was no great compliment!" "I'm not so young, Sir," he replied, "As you might think. The fact is, In caverns by the water-side, And other places that I've tried, I've had a lot of practice: "But I have never taken yet A strict domestic part, And in my flurry I forget The Five Good Rules of Etiquette We have to know by heart." My sympathies were warming fast Towards the little fellow: He was so utterly aghast At having found a Man at last, And looked so scared and yellow. [Illustration: "IN CAVERNS BY THE WATER-SIDE"] "At least," I said, "I'm glad to find A Ghost is not a _dumb_ thing! But pray sit down: you'll feel inclined (If, like myself, you have not dined) To take a snack of something: "Though, certainly, you don't appear A thing to offer _food_ to! And then I shall be glad to hear-- If you will say them loud and clear-- The Rules that you allude to." "Thanks! You shall hear them by and by This _is_ a piece of luck!" "What may I offer you?" said I. "Well, since you _are_ so kind, I'll try A little bit of duck. "_One_ slice! And may I ask you for Another drop of gravy?" I sat and looked at him in awe, For certainly I never saw A thing so white and wavy. [Illustration] And still he seemed to grow more white, More vapoury, and wavier-- Seen in the dim and flickering light, As he proceeded to recite His "Maxims of Behaviour." CANTO II. Hys Fyve Rules. "My First--but don't suppose," he said, "I'm setting you a riddle-- Is--if your Victim be in bed, Don't touch the curtains at his head, But take them in the middle, "And wave them slowly in and out, While drawing them asunder; And in a minute's time, no doubt, He'll raise his head and look about With eyes of wrath and wonder. "And here you must on no pretence Make the first observation. Wait for the Victim to commence: No Ghost of any common sense Begins a conversation. [Illustration] "If he should say '_How came you here?_' (The way that _you_ began, Sir,) In such a case your course is clear-- '_On the bat's back, my little dear!_' Is the appropriate answer. "If after this he says no more, You'd best perhaps curtail your Exertions--go and shake the door, And then, if he begins to snore, You'll know the thing's a failure. "By day, if he should be alone-- At home or on a walk-- You merely give a hollow groan, To indicate the kind of tone In which you mean to talk. "But if you find him with his friends, The thing is rather harder. In such a case success depends On picking up some candle-ends, Or butter, in the larder. "With this you make a kind of slide (It answers best with suet), On which you must contrive to glide, And swing yourself from side to side-- One soon learns how to do it. "The Second tells us what is right In ceremonious calls:-- '_First burn a blue or crimson light_' (A thing I quite forgot to-night), '_Then scratch the door or walls._'" [Illustration: "AND SWING YOURSELF FROM SIDE TO SIDE"] I said "You'll visit _here_ no more, If you attempt the Guy. I'll have no bonfires on _my_ floor-- And, as for scratching at the door, I'd like to see you try!" "The Third was written to protect The interests of the Victim, And tells us, as I recollect, _To treat him with a grave respect, And not to contradict him_." "That's plain," said I, "as Tare and Tret, To any comprehension: I only wish _some_ Ghosts I've met Would not so _constantly_ forget The maxim that you mention!" "Perhaps," he said, "_you_ first transgressed The laws of hospitality: All Ghosts instinctively detest The Man that fails to treat his guest With proper cordiality. [Illustration] "If you address a Ghost as 'Thing!' Or strike him with a hatchet, He is permitted by the King To drop all _formal_ parleying-- And then you're _sure_ to catch it! "The Fourth prohibits trespassing Where other Ghosts are quartered: And those convicted of the thing (Unless when pardoned by the King) Must instantly be slaughtered. "That simply means 'be cut up small': Ghosts soon unite anew: The process scarcely hurts at all-- Not more than when _you're_ what you call 'Cut up' by a Review. "The Fifth is one you may prefer That I should quote entire:-- _The King must be addressed as 'Sir.' This, from a simple courtier, Is all the Laws require_: "_But, should you wish to do the thing With out-and-out politeness, Accost him as 'My Goblin King!' And always use, in answering, The phrase 'Your Royal Whiteness!'_ "I'm getting rather hoarse, I fear, After so much reciting: So, if you don't object, my dear, We'll try a glass of bitter beer-- I think it looks inviting." [Illustration] CANTO III. Scarmoges. "And did you really walk," said I, "On such a wretched night? I always fancied Ghosts could fly-- If not exactly in the sky, Yet at a fairish height." "It's very well," said he, "for Kings To soar above the earth: But Phantoms often find that wings-- Like many other pleasant things-- Cost more than they are worth. "Spectres of course are rich, and so Can buy them from the Elves: But _we_ prefer to keep below-- They're stupid company, you know. For any but themselves: [Illustration] "For, though they claim to be exempt From pride, they treat a Phantom As something quite beneath contempt-- Just as no Turkey ever dreamt Of noticing a Bantam." "They seem too proud," said I, "to go To houses such as mine. Pray, how did they contrive to know So quickly that 'the place was low,' And that I 'kept bad wine'?" "Inspector Kobold came to you--" The little Ghost began. Here I broke in--"Inspector who? Inspecting Ghosts is something new! Explain yourself my man!" "His name is Kobold," said my guest: "One of the Spectre order: You'll very often see him dressed In a yellow gown, a crimson vest, And a night-cap with a border. "He tried the Brocken business first, But caught a sort of chill; So came to England to be nursed, And here it took the form of _thirst_, Which he complains of still. [Illustration: "AND HERE IT TOOK THE FORM OF _THIRST_"] "Port-wine, he says, when rich and sound, Warms his old bones like nectar: And as the inns, where it is found, Are his especial hunting-ground, We call him the _Inn-Spectre_." I bore it--bore it like a man-- This agonizing witticism! And nothing could be sweeter than My temper, till the Ghost began Some most provoking criticism. "Cooks need not be indulged in waste; Yet still you'd better teach them Dishes should have _some sort_ of taste. Pray, why are all the cruets placed Where nobody can reach them? "That man of yours will never earn His living as a waiter! Is that queer _thing_ supposed to burn? (It's far too dismal a concern To call a Moderator). "The duck was tender, but the peas Were very much too old: And just remember, if you please, The _next_ time you have toasted cheese, Don't let them send it cold. "You'd find the bread improved, I think, By getting better flour: And have you anything to drink That looks a _little_ less like ink, And isn't _quite_ so sour?" Then, peering round with curious eyes, He muttered "Goodness gracious!" And so went on to criticise-- "Your room's an inconvenient size: It's neither snug nor spacious. "That narrow window, I expect, Serves but to let the dusk in--" "But please," said I, "to recollect 'Twas fashioned by an architect Who pinned his faith on Ruskin!" "I don't care who he was, Sir, or On whom he pinned his faith! Constructed by whatever law, So poor a job I never saw, As I'm a living Wraith! "What a re-markable cigar! How much are they a dozen?" I growled "No matter what they are! You're getting as familiar As if you were my cousin! "Now that's a thing _I will not stand_, And so I tell you flat." "Aha," said he, "we're getting grand!" (Taking a bottle in his hand) "I'll soon arrange for _that_!" And here he took a careful aim, And gaily cried "Here goes!" I tried to dodge it as it came, But somehow caught it, all the same, Exactly on my nose. And I remember nothing more That I can clearly fix, Till I was sitting on the floor, Repeating "Two and five are four, But _five and two_ are six." What really passed I never learned, Nor guessed: I only know That, when at last my sense returned, The lamp, neglected, dimly burned-- The fire was getting low-- Through driving mists I seemed to see A Thing that smirked and smiled: And found that he was giving me A lesson in Biography, As if I were a child. [Illustration] CANTO IV. Hys Nouryture. "Oh, when I was a little Ghost, A merry time had we! Each seated on his favourite post, We chumped and chawed the buttered toast They gave us for our tea." "That story is in print!" I cried. "Don't say it's not, because It's known as well as Bradshaw's Guide!" (The Ghost uneasily replied He hardly thought it was). "It's not in Nursery Rhymes? And yet I almost think it is-- 'Three little Ghosteses' were set 'On posteses,' you know, and ate Their 'buttered toasteses.' "I have the book; so, if you doubt it--" I turned to search the shelf. "Don't stir!" he cried. "We'll do without it; I now remember all about it; I wrote the thing myself. "It came out in a 'Monthly,' or At least my agent said it did: Some literary swell, who saw It, thought it seemed adapted for The Magazine he edited. "My father was a Brownie, Sir; My mother was a Fairy. The notion had occurred to her, The children would be happier, If they were taught to vary. "The notion soon became a craze; And, when it once began, she Brought us all out in different ways-- One was a Pixy, two were Fays, Another was a Banshee; "The Fetch and Kelpie went to school, And gave a lot of trouble; Next came a Poltergeist and Ghoul, And then two Trolls (which broke the rule), A Goblin, and a Double-- "(If that's a snuff-box on the shelf," He added with a yawn, "I'll take a pinch)--next came an Elf, And then a Phantom (that's myself), And last, a Leprechaun. "One day, some Spectres chanced to call, Dressed in the usual white: I stood and watched them in the hall, And couldn't make them out at all, They seemed so strange a sight. [Illustration] "I wondered what on earth they were, That looked all head and sack; But Mother told me not to stare, And then she twitched me by the hair, And punched me in the back. "Since then I've often wished that I Had been a Spectre born. But what's the use?" (He heaved a sigh). "_They_ are the ghost-nobility, And look on _us_ with scorn. "My phantom-life was soon begun: When I was barely six, I went out with an older one-- And just at first I thought it fun, And learned a lot of tricks. "I've haunted dungeons, castles, towers-- Wherever I was sent: I've often sat and howled for hours, Drenched to the skin with driving showers, Upon a battlement. "It's quite old-fashioned now to groan When you begin to speak: This is the newest thing in tone--" And here (it chilled me to the bone) He gave an _awful_ squeak. "Perhaps," he added, "to _your_ ear That sounds an easy thing? Try it yourself, my little dear! It took _me_ something like a year, With constant practising. "And when you've learned to squeak, my man And caught the double sob, You're pretty much where you began: Just try and gibber if you can! That's something _like_ a job! "_I've_ tried it, and can only say I'm sure you couldn't do it, e- ven if you practised night and day, Unless you have a turn that way, And natural ingenuity. "Shakspeare I think it is who treats Of Ghosts, in days of old, Who 'gibbered in the Roman streets,' Dressed, if you recollect, in sheets-- They must have found it cold. "I've often spent ten pounds on stuff, In dressing as a Double; But, though it answers as a puff, It never has effect enough To make it worth the trouble. "Long bills soon quenched the little thirst I had for being funny. The setting-up is always worst: Such heaps of things you want at first, One must be made of money! [Illustration] "For instance, take a Haunted Tower, With skull, cross-bones, and sheet; Blue lights to burn (say) two an hour, Condensing lens of extra power, And set of chains complete: "What with the things you have to hire-- The fitting on the robe-- And testing all the coloured fire-- The outfit of itself would tire The patience of a Job! "And then they're so fastidious, The Haunted-House Committee: I've often known them make a fuss Because a Ghost was French, or Russ, Or even from the City! "Some dialects are objected to-- For one, the _Irish_ brogue is: And then, for all you have to do, One pound a week they offer you, And find yourself in Bogies!" CANTO V. Byckerment. "Don't they consult the 'Victims,' though?" I said. "They should, by rights, Give them a chance--because, you know, The tastes of people differ so, Especially in Sprites." The Phantom shook his head and smiled. "Consult them? Not a bit! 'Twould be a job to drive one wild, To satisfy one single child-- There'd be no end to it!" "Of course you can't leave _children_ free," Said I, "to pick and choose: But, in the case of men like me, I think 'Mine Host' might fairly be Allowed to state his views." He said "It really wouldn't pay-- Folk are so full of fancies. We visit for a single day, And whether then we go, or stay, Depends on circumstances. "And, though we don't consult 'Mine Host' Before the thing's arranged, Still, if he often quits his post, Or is not a well-mannered Ghost, Then you can have him changed. "But if the host's a man like you-- I mean a man of sense; And if the house is not too new--" "Why, what has _that_," said I, "to do With Ghost's convenience?" "A new house does not suit, you know-- It's such a job to trim it: But, after twenty years or so, The wainscotings begin to go, So twenty is the limit." "To trim" was not a phrase I could Remember having heard: "Perhaps," I said, "you'll be so good As tell me what is understood Exactly by that word?" [Illustration] "It means the loosening all the doors," The Ghost replied, and laughed: "It means the drilling holes by scores In all the skirting-boards and floors, To make a thorough draught. "You'll sometimes find that one or two Are all you really need To let the wind come whistling through-- But _here_ there'll be a lot to do!" I faintly gasped "Indeed! "If I'd been rather later, I'll Be bound," I added, trying (Most unsuccessfully) to smile, "You'd have been busy all this while, Trimming and beautifying?" "Why, no," said he; "perhaps I should Have stayed another minute-- But still no Ghost, that's any good, Without an introduction would Have ventured to begin it. "The proper thing, as you were late, Was certainly to go: But, with the roads in such a state, I got the Knight-Mayor's leave to wait For half an hour or so." "Who's the Knight-Mayor?" I cried. Instead Of answering my question, "Well! If you don't know _that_," he said, "Either you never go to bed, Or you've a grand digestion! "He goes about and sits on folk That eat too much at night: His duties are to pinch, and poke, And squeeze them till they nearly choke." (I said "It serves them right!") "And folk that sup on things like these--" He muttered, "eggs and bacon-- Lobster--and duck--and toasted cheese-- If they don't get an awful squeeze, I'm very much mistaken! "He is immensely fat, and so Well suits the occupation: In point of fact, if you must know, We used to call him, years ago, _The Mayor and Corporation_! [Illustration: "HE GOES ABOUT AND SITS ON FOLK"] "The day he was elected Mayor I _know_ that every Sprite meant To vote for _me_, but did not dare-- He was so frantic with despair And furious with excitement. [Illustration] "When it was over, for a whim, He ran to tell the King; And being the reverse of slim, A two-mile trot was not for him A very easy thing. "So, to reward him for his run (As it was baking hot, And he was over twenty stone), The King proceeded, half in fun, To knight him on the spot." "'Twas a great liberty to take!" (I fired up like a rocket). "He did it just for punning's sake: 'The man,' says Johnson, 'that would make A pun, would pick a pocket!'" "A man," said he, "is not a King." I argued for a while, And did my best to prove the thing-- The Phantom merely listening With a contemptuous smile. At last, when, breath and patience spent, I had recourse to smoking-- "Your _aim_," he said, "is excellent: But--when you call it _argument_-- Of course you're only joking?" [Illustration] Stung by his cold and snaky eye, I roused myself at length To say "At least I do defy The veriest sceptic to deny That union is strength!" "That's true enough," said he, "yet stay--" I listened in all meekness-- "_Union_ is strength, I'm bound to say; In fact, the thing's as clear as day; But _onions_--are a weakness." CANTO VI. Dyscomfyture. As one who strives a hill to climb, Who never climbed before: Who finds it, in a little time, Grow every moment less sublime, And votes the thing a bore: Yet, having once begun to try, Dares not desert his quest, But, climbing, ever keeps his eye On one small hut against the sky, Wherein he hopes to rest: Who climbs till nerve and force are spent, With many a puff and pant: Who still, as rises the ascent, In language grows more violent, Although in breath more scant: [Illustration] Who, climbing, gains at length the place That crowns the upward track; And, entering with unsteady pace, Receives a buffet in the face That lands him on his back: And feels himself, like one in sleep, Glide swiftly down again, A helpless weight, from steep to steep, Till, with a headlong giddy sweep, He drops upon the plain-- So I, that had resolved to bring Conviction to a ghost, And found it quite a different thing From any human arguing, Yet dared not quit my post But, keeping still the end in view To which I hoped to come, I strove to prove the matter true By putting everything I knew Into an axiom: Commencing every single phrase With 'therefore' or 'because,' I blindly reeled, a hundred ways, About the syllogistic maze, Unconscious where I was. Quoth he "That's regular clap-trap: Don't bluster any more. Now _do_ be cool and take a nap! Such a ridiculous old chap Was never seen before! "You're like a man I used to meet, Who got one day so furious In arguing, the simple heat Scorched both his slippers off his feet!" I said "_That's very curious!_" [Illustration: "SCORCHED BOTH HIS SLIPPERS OFF HIS FEET"] "Well, it _is_ curious, I agree, And sounds perhaps like fibs: But still it's true as true can be-- As sure as your name's Tibbs," said he. I said "My name's _not_ Tibbs." "_Not_ Tibbs!" he cried--his tone became A shade or two less hearty-- "Why, no," said I. "My proper name Is Tibbets--" "Tibbets?" "Aye, the same." "Why, then YOU'RE NOT THE PARTY!" With that he struck the board a blow That shivered half the glasses. "Why couldn't you have told me so Three quarters of an hour ago, You prince of all the asses? "To walk four miles through mud and rain, To spend the night in smoking, And then to find that it's in vain-- And I've to do it all again-- It's really _too_ provoking! [Illustration] "Don't talk!" he cried, as I began To mutter some excuse. "Who can have patience with a man That's got no more discretion than An idiotic goose? "To keep me waiting here, instead Of telling me at once That this was not the house!" he said. "There, that'll do--be off to bed! Don't gape like that, you dunce!" "It's very fine to throw the blame On _me_ in such a fashion! Why didn't you enquire my name The very minute that you came?" I answered in a passion. "Of course it worries you a bit To come so far on foot-- But how was _I_ to blame for it?" "Well, well!" said he. "I must admit That isn't badly put. "And certainly you've given me The best of wine and victual-- Excuse my violence," said he, "But accidents like this, you see, They put one out a little. "'Twas _my_ fault after all, I find-- Shake hands, old Turnip-top!" The name was hardly to my mind, But, as no doubt he meant it kind, I let the matter drop. "Good-night, old Turnip-top, good-night! When I am gone, perhaps They'll send you some inferior Sprite, Who'll keep you in a constant fright And spoil your soundest naps. "Tell him you'll stand no sort of trick; Then, if he leers and chuckles, You just be handy with a stick (Mind that it's pretty hard and thick) And rap him on the knuckles! "Then carelessly remark 'Old coon! Perhaps you're not aware That, if you don't behave, you'll soon Be chuckling to another tune-- And so you'd best take care!' "That's the right way to cure a Sprite Of such-like goings-on-- But gracious me! It's getting light! Good-night, old Turnip-top, good-night!" A nod, and he was gone. [Illustration] CANTO VII. Sad Souvenaunce. [Illustration] "What's this?" I pondered. "Have I slept? Or can I have been drinking?" But soon a gentler feeling crept Upon me, and I sat and wept An hour or so, like winking. "No need for Bones to hurry so!" I sobbed. "In fact, I doubt If it was worth his while to go-- And who is Tibbs, I'd like to know, To make such work about? "If Tibbs is anything like me, It's _possible_," I said, "He won't be over-pleased to be Dropped in upon at half-past three, After he's snug in bed. "And if Bones plagues him anyhow-- Squeaking and all the rest of it, As he was doing here just now-- _I_ prophesy there'll be a row, And Tibbs will have the best of it!" Then, as my tears could never bring The friendly Phantom back, It seemed to me the proper thing To mix another glass, and sing The following Coronach. [Illustration: "AND TIBBS WILL HAVE THE BEST OF IT"] '_And art thou gone, beloved Ghost? Best of Familiars! Nay then, farewell, my duckling roast, Farewell, farewell, my tea and toast, My meerschaum and cigars!_ '_The hues of life are dull and gray, The sweets of life insipid, When thou, my charmer, art away-- Old Brick, or rather, let me say, Old Parallelepiped!_' Instead of singing Verse the Third, I ceased--abruptly, rather: But, after such a splendid word, I felt that it would be absurd To try it any farther. So with a yawn I went my way To seek the welcome downy, And slept, and dreamed till break of day Of Poltergeist and Fetch and Fay And Leprechaun and Brownie! For years I've not been visited By any kind of Sprite; Yet still they echo in my head, Those parting words, so kindly said, "Old Turnip-top, good-night!" [Illustration] ECHOES. Lady Clara Vere de Vere Was eight years old, she said: Every ringlet, lightly shaken, ran itself in golden thread. She took her little porringer: Of me she shall not win renown: For the baseness of its nature shall have strength to drag her down. "Sisters and brothers, little Maid? There stands the Inspector at thy door: Like a dog, he hunts for boys who know not two and two are four." "Kind words are more than coronets," She said, and wondering looked at me: "It is the dead unhappy night, and I must hurry home to tea." A SEA DIRGE. [Illustration] There are certain things--as, a spider, a ghost, The income-tax, gout, an umbrella for three-- That I hate, but the thing that I hate the most Is a thing they call the Sea. Pour some salt water over the floor-- Ugly I'm sure you'll allow it to be: Suppose it extended a mile or more, _That's_ very like the Sea. Beat a dog till it howls outright-- Cruel, but all very well for a spree: Suppose that he did so day and night, _That_ would be like the Sea. I had a vision of nursery-maids; Tens of thousands passed by me-- All leading children with wooden spades, And this was by the Sea. Who invented those spades of wood? Who was it cut them out of the tree? None, I think, but an idiot could-- Or one that loved the Sea. It is pleasant and dreamy, no doubt, to float With 'thoughts as boundless, and souls as free': But, suppose you are very unwell in the boat, How do you like the Sea? [Illustration: "AND THIS WAS BY THE SEA"] There is an insect that people avoid (Whence is derived the verb 'to flee'). Where have you been by it most annoyed? In lodgings by the Sea. If you like your coffee with sand for dregs, A decided hint of salt in your tea, And a fishy taste in the very eggs-- By all means choose the Sea. And if, with these dainties to drink and eat, You prefer not a vestige of grass or tree, And a chronic state of wet in your feet, Then--I recommend the Sea. For _I_ have friends who dwell by the coast-- Pleasant friends they are to me! It is when I am with them I wonder most That any one likes the Sea. They take me a walk: though tired and stiff, To climb the heights I madly agree; And, after a tumble or so from the cliff, They kindly suggest the Sea. I try the rocks, and I think it cool That they laugh with such an excess of glee, As I heavily slip into every pool That skirts the cold cold Sea. [Illustration] Y{e} Carpette Knyghte. I have a horse--a ryghte goode horse-- Ne doe I envye those Who scoure y{e} playne yn headye course Tyll soddayne on theyre nose They lyghte wyth unexpected force-- Yt ys--a horse of clothes. I have a saddel--"Say'st thou soe? Wyth styrruppes, Knyghte, to boote?" I sayde not that--I answere "Noe"-- Yt lacketh such, I woote: Yt ys a mutton-saddel, loe! Parte of y{e} fleecye brute. I have a bytte--a ryghte good bytte-- As shall bee seene yn tyme. Y{e} jawe of horse yt wyll not fytte; Yts use ys more sublyme. Fayre Syr, how deemest thou of yt? Yt ys--thys bytte of rhyme. [Illustration: "I HAVE A HORSE"] HIAWATHA'S PHOTOGRAPHING. [In an age of imitation, I can claim no special merit for this slight attempt at doing what is known to be so easy. Any fairly practised writer, with the slightest ear for rhythm, could compose, for hours together, in the easy running metre of 'The Song of Hiawatha.' Having, then, distinctly stated that I challenge no attention in the following little poem to its merely verbal jingle, I must beg the candid reader to confine his criticism to its treatment of the subject.] From his shoulder Hiawatha Took the camera of rosewood, Made of sliding, folding rosewood; Neatly put it all together. In its case it lay compactly, Folded into nearly nothing; But he opened out the hinges, Pushed and pulled the joints and hinges, Till it looked all squares and oblongs, Like a complicated figure In the Second Book of Euclid. [Illustration] This he perched upon a tripod-- Crouched beneath its dusky cover-- Stretched his hand, enforcing silence-- Said "Be motionless, I beg you!" Mystic, awful was the process. All the family in order Sat before him for their pictures: Each in turn, as he was taken, Volunteered his own suggestions, His ingenious suggestions. First the Governor, the Father: He suggested velvet curtains Looped about a massy pillar; And the corner of a table, Of a rosewood dining-table. He would hold a scroll of something, Hold it firmly in his left-hand; He would keep his right-hand buried (Like Napoleon) in his waistcoat; He would contemplate the distance With a look of pensive meaning, As of ducks that die in tempests. Grand, heroic was the notion: Yet the picture failed entirely: Failed, because he moved a little, Moved, because he couldn't help it. Next, his better half took courage; She would have her picture taken. _She_ came dressed beyond description, Dressed in jewels and in satin Far too gorgeous for an empress. [Illustration: "FIRST THE GOVERNOR, THE FATHER"] Gracefully she sat down sideways, With a simper scarcely human, Holding in her hand a bouquet Rather larger than a cabbage. All the while that she was sitting, Still the lady chattered, chattered, Like a monkey in the forest. "Am I sitting still?" she asked him. "Is my face enough in profile? Shall I hold the bouquet higher? Will it come into the picture?" And the picture failed completely. Next the Son, the Stunning-Cantab: He suggested curves of beauty, Curves pervading all his figure, Which the eye might follow onward, Till they centered in the breast-pin, Centered in the golden breast-pin. He had learnt it all from Ruskin (Author of 'The Stones of Venice,' 'Seven Lamps of Architecture,' 'Modern Painters,' and some others); And perhaps he had not fully Understood his author's meaning; But, whatever was the reason, All was fruitless, as the picture Ended in an utter failure. [Illustration: "NEXT THE SON, THE STUNNING-CANTAB"] Next to him the eldest daughter: She suggested very little, Only asked if he would take her With her look of 'passive beauty.' Her idea of passive beauty Was a squinting of the left-eye, Was a drooping of the right-eye, Was a smile that went up sideways To the corner of the nostrils. Hiawatha, when she asked him, Took no notice of the question, Looked as if he hadn't heard it; But, when pointedly appealed to, Smiled in his peculiar manner, Coughed and said it 'didn't matter,' Bit his lip and changed the subject. Nor in this was he mistaken, As the picture failed completely. So in turn the other sisters. [Illustration: "NEXT TO HIM THE ELDEST DAUGHTER"] Last, the youngest son was taken: Very rough and thick his hair was, Very round and red his face was, Very dusty was his jacket, Very fidgety his manner. And his overbearing sisters Called him names he disapproved of: Called him Johnny, 'Daddy's Darling,' Called him Jacky, 'Scrubby School-boy.' And, so awful was the picture, In comparison the others Seemed, to one's bewildered fancy, To have partially succeeded. Finally my Hiawatha Tumbled all the tribe together, ('Grouped' is not the right expression), And, as happy chance would have it, Did at last obtain a picture Where the faces all succeeded: Each came out a perfect likeness. [Illustration: "LAST, THE YOUNGEST SON WAS TAKEN"] Then they joined and all abused it, Unrestrainedly abused it, As the worst and ugliest picture They could possibly have dreamed of. Giving one such strange expressions-- Sullen, stupid, pert expressions. Really any one would take us (Any one that did not know us) For the most unpleasant people!' (Hiawatha seemed to think so, Seemed to think it not unlikely). All together rang their voices, Angry, loud, discordant voices, As of dogs that howl in concert, As of cats that wail in chorus. But my Hiawatha's patience, His politeness and his patience, Unaccountably had vanished, And he left that happy party. Neither did he leave them slowly, With the calm deliberation, The intense deliberation Of a photographic artist: But he left them in a hurry, Left them in a mighty hurry, Stating that he would not stand it, Stating in emphatic language What he'd be before he'd stand it. Hurriedly he packed his boxes: Hurriedly the porter trundled On a barrow all his boxes: Hurriedly he took his ticket: Hurriedly the train received him: Thus departed Hiawatha. [Illustration] MELANCHOLETTA. With saddest music all day long She soothed her secret sorrow: At night she sighed "I fear 'twas wrong Such cheerful words to borrow. Dearest, a sweeter, sadder song I'll sing to thee to-morrow." I thanked her, but I could not say That I was glad to hear it: I left the house at break of day, And did not venture near it Till time, I hoped, had worn away Her grief, for nought could cheer it! [Illustration: "AT NIGHT SHE SIGHED"] My dismal sister! Couldst thou know The wretched home thou keepest! Thy brother, drowned in daily woe, Is thankful when thou sleepest; For if I laugh, however low, When thou'rt awake, thou weepest! I took my sister t'other day (Excuse the slang expression) To Sadler's Wells to see the play, In hopes the new impression Might in her thoughts, from grave to gay Effect some slight digression. I asked three gay young dogs from town To join us in our folly, Whose mirth, I thought, might serve to drown My sister's melancholy: The lively Jones, the sportive Brown, And Robinson the jolly. The maid announced the meal in tones That I myself had taught her, Meant to allay my sister's moans Like oil on troubled water: I rushed to Jones, the lively Jones, And begged him to escort her. Vainly he strove, with ready wit, To joke about the weather-- To ventilate the last '_on dit_'-- To quote the price of leather-- She groaned "Here I and Sorrow sit: Let us lament together!" I urged "You're wasting time, you know: Delay will spoil the venison." "My heart is wasted with my woe! There is no rest--in Venice, on The Bridge of Sighs!" she quoted low From Byron and from Tennyson. I need not tell of soup and fish In solemn silence swallowed, The sobs that ushered in each dish, And its departure followed, Nor yet my suicidal wish To _be_ the cheese I hollowed. Some desperate attempts were made To start a conversation; "Madam," the sportive Brown essayed, "Which kind of recreation, Hunting or fishing, have you made Your special occupation?" Her lips curved downwards instantly, As if of india-rubber. "Hounds _in full cry_ I like," said she: (Oh how I longed to snub her!) "Of fish, a whale's the one for me, _It is so full of blubber_!" The night's performance was "King John." "It's dull," she wept, "and so-so!" A while I let her tears flow on, She said they soothed her woe so! At length the curtain rose upon 'Bombastes Furioso.' In vain we roared; in vain we tried To rouse her into laughter: Her pensive glances wandered wide From orchestra to rafter-- "_Tier upon tier!_" she said, and sighed; And silence followed after. [Illustration] A VALENTINE. [Sent to a friend who had complained that I was glad enough to see him when he came, but didn't seem to miss him if he stayed away.] And cannot pleasures, while they last, Be actual unless, when past, They leave us shuddering and aghast, With anguish smarting? And cannot friends be firm and fast, And yet bear parting? And must I then, at Friendship's call, Calmly resign the little all (Trifling, I grant, it is and small) I have of gladness, And lend my being to the thrall Of gloom and sadness? And think you that I should be dumb, And full _dolorum omnium_, Excepting when _you_ choose to come And share my dinner? At other times be sour and glum And daily thinner? Must he then only live to weep, Who'd prove his friendship true and deep? By day a lonely shadow creep, At night-time languish, Oft raising in his broken sleep The moan of anguish? The lover, if for certain days His fair one be denied his gaze, Sinks not in grief and wild amaze, But, wiser wooer, He spends the time in writing lays, And posts them to her. And if the verse flow free and fast, Till even the poet is aghast, A touching Valentine at last The post shall carry, When thirteen days are gone and past Of February. Farewell, dear friend, and when we meet, In desert waste or crowded street, Perhaps before this week shall fleet, Perhaps to-morrow, I trust to find _your_ heart the seat Of wasting sorrow. THE THREE VOICES. The First Voice. [Illustration] He trilled a carol fresh and free: He laughed aloud for very glee: There came a breeze from off the sea: It passed athwart the glooming flat-- It fanned his forehead as he sat-- It lightly bore away his hat, All to the feet of one who stood Like maid enchanted in a wood, Frowning as darkly as she could. With huge umbrella, lank and brown, Unerringly she pinned it down, Right through the centre of the crown. Then, with an aspect cold and grim, Regardless of its battered rim, She took it up and gave it him. A while like one in dreams he stood, Then faltered forth his gratitude In words just short of being rude: For it had lost its shape and shine, And it had cost him four-and-nine, And he was going out to dine. [Illustration: "UNERRINGLY SHE PINNED IT DOWN."] "To dine!" she sneered in acid tone. "To bend thy being to a bone Clothed in a radiance not its own!" The tear-drop trickled to his chin: There was a meaning in her grin That made him feel on fire within. "Term it not 'radiance,'" said he: "'Tis solid nutriment to me. Dinner is Dinner: Tea is Tea." And she "Yea so? Yet wherefore cease? Let thy scant knowledge find increase. Say 'Men are Men, and Geese are Geese.'" He moaned: he knew not what to say. The thought "That I could get away!" Strove with the thought "But I must stay." "To dine!" she shrieked in dragon-wrath. "To swallow wines all foam and froth! To simper at a table-cloth! "Say, can thy noble spirit stoop To join the gormandising troop Who find a solace in the soup? "Canst thou desire or pie or puff? Thy well-bred manners were enough, Without such gross material stuff." "Yet well-bred men," he faintly said, "Are not unwilling to be fed: Nor are they well without the bread." Her visage scorched him ere she spoke: "There are," she said, "a kind of folk Who have no horror of a joke. "Such wretches live: they take their share Of common earth and common air: We come across them here and there: "We grant them--there is no escape-- A sort of semi-human shape Suggestive of the man-like Ape." "In all such theories," said he, "One fixed exception there must be. That is, the Present Company." Baffled, she gave a wolfish bark: He, aiming blindly in the dark, With random shaft had pierced the mark. She felt that her defeat was plain, Yet madly strove with might and main To get the upper hand again. Fixing her eyes upon the beach, As though unconscious of his speech, She said "Each gives to more than each." He could not answer yea or nay: He faltered "Gifts may pass away." Yet knew not what he meant to say. "If that be so," she straight replied, "Each heart with each doth coincide. What boots it? For the world is wide." [Illustration: "HE FALTERED 'GIFTS MAY PASS AWAY.'"] "The world is but a Thought," said he: "The vast unfathomable sea Is but a Notion--unto me." And darkly fell her answer dread Upon his unresisting head, Like half a hundredweight of lead. "The Good and Great must ever shun That reckless and abandoned one Who stoops to perpetrate a pun. "The man that smokes--that reads the _Times_-- That goes to Christmas Pantomimes-- Is capable of _any_ crimes!" He felt it was his turn to speak, And, with a shamed and crimson cheek, Moaned "This is harder than Bezique!" But when she asked him "Wherefore so?" He felt his very whiskers glow, And frankly owned "I do not know." [Illustration: "THIS IS HARDER THAN BEZIQUE!"] While, like broad waves of golden grain, Or sunlit hues on cloistered pane, His colour came and went again. Pitying his obvious distress, Yet with a tinge of bitterness, She said "The More exceeds the Less." "A truth of such undoubted weight," He urged, "and so extreme in date, It were superfluous to state." Roused into sudden passion, she In tone of cold malignity: "To others, yea: but not to thee." But when she saw him quail and quake, And when he urged "For pity's sake!" Once more in gentle tone she spake. "Thought in the mind doth still abide: That is by Intellect supplied, And within that Idea doth hide: "And he, that yearns the truth to know, Still further inwardly may go, And find Idea from Notion flow: "And thus the chain, that sages sought, Is to a glorious circle wrought, For Notion hath its source in Thought." So passed they on with even pace: Yet gradually one might trace A shadow growing on his face. [Illustration] The Second Voice. [Illustration] They walked beside the wave-worn beach; Her tongue was very apt to teach, And now and then he did beseech She would abate her dulcet tone, Because the talk was all her own, And he was dull as any drone. She urged "No cheese is made of chalk": And ceaseless flowed her dreary talk, Tuned to the footfall of a walk. Her voice was very full and rich, And, when at length she asked him "Which?" It mounted to its highest pitch. He a bewildered answer gave, Drowned in the sullen moaning wave, Lost in the echoes of the cave. He answered her he knew not what: Like shaft from bow at random shot, He spoke, but she regarded not. She waited not for his reply, But with a downward leaden eye Went on as if he were not by: Sound argument and grave defence, Strange questions raised on "Why?" and "Whence?" And wildly tangled evidence. When he, with racked and whirling brain, Feebly implored her to explain, She simply said it all again. Wrenched with an agony intense, He spake, neglecting Sound and Sense, And careless of all consequence: "Mind--I believe--is Essence--Ent-- Abstract--that is--an Accident-- Which we--that is to say--I meant--" When, with quick breath and cheeks all flushed, At length his speech was somewhat hushed, She looked at him, and he was crushed. It needed not her calm reply: She fixed him with a stony eye, And he could neither fight nor fly, While she dissected, word by word, His speech, half guessed at and half heard, As might a cat a little bird. [Illustration: "HE SPAKE, NEGLECTING SOUND AND SENSE."] Then, having wholly overthrown His views, and stripped them to the bone, Proceeded to unfold her own. "Shall Man be Man? And shall he miss Of other thoughts no thought but this, Harmonious dews of sober bliss? "What boots it? Shall his fevered eye Through towering nothingness descry The grisly phantom hurry by? "And hear dumb shrieks that fill the air; See mouths that gape, and eyes that stare And redden in the dusky glare? "The meadows breathing amber light, The darkness toppling from the height, The feathery train of granite Night? "Shall he, grown gray among his peers, Through the thick curtain of his tears Catch glimpses of his earlier years, [Illustration: "SHALL MAN BE MAN?"] "And hear the sounds he knew of yore, Old shufflings on the sanded floor, Old knuckles tapping at the door? "Yet still before him as he flies One pallid form shall ever rise, And, bodying forth in glassy eyes "The vision of a vanished good, Low peering through the tangled wood, Shall freeze the current of his blood." Still from each fact, with skill uncouth And savage rapture, like a tooth She wrenched some slow reluctant truth. Till, like a silent water-mill, When summer suns have dried the rill, She reached a full stop, and was still. Dead calm succeeded to the fuss, As when the loaded omnibus Has reached the railway terminus: When, for the tumult of the street, Is heard the engine's stifled beat, The velvet tread of porters' feet. With glance that ever sought the ground, She moved her lips without a sound, And every now and then she frowned. He gazed upon the sleeping sea, And joyed in its tranquillity, And in that silence dead, but she To muse a little space did seem, Then, like the echo of a dream, Harped back upon her threadbare theme. Still an attentive ear he lent But could not fathom what she meant: She was not deep, nor eloquent. He marked the ripple on the sand: The even swaying of her hand Was all that he could understand. He saw in dreams a drawing-room, Where thirteen wretches sat in gloom, Waiting--he thought he knew for whom: He saw them drooping here and there, Each feebly huddled on a chair, In attitudes of blank despair: Oysters were not more mute than they, For all their brains were pumped away, And they had nothing more to say-- Save one, who groaned "Three hours are gone!" Who shrieked "We'll wait no longer, John! Tell them to set the dinner on!" The vision passed: the ghosts were fled: He saw once more that woman dread: He heard once more the words she said. He left her, and he turned aside: He sat and watched the coming tide Across the shores so newly dried. [Illustration: "HE SAT AND WATCHED THE COMING TIDE"] He wondered at the waters clear, The breeze that whispered in his ear, The billows heaving far and near, And why he had so long preferred To hang upon her every word: "In truth," he said, "it was absurd." [Illustration] The Third Voice. [Illustration] Not long this transport held its place: Within a little moment's space Quick tears were raining down his face. His heart stood still, aghast with fear; A wordless voice, nor far nor near, He seemed to hear and not to hear. "Tears kindle not the doubtful spark. If so, why not? Of this remark The bearings are profoundly dark." "Her speech," he said, "hath caused this pain. Easier I count it to explain The jargon of the howling main, "Or, stretched beside some babbling brook, To con, with inexpressive look, An unintelligible book." Low spake the voice within his head, In words imagined more than said, Soundless as ghost's intended tread: "If thou art duller than before, Why quittedst thou the voice of lore? Why not endure, expecting more?" "Rather than that," he groaned aghast, "I'd writhe in depths of cavern vast, Some loathly vampire's rich repast." [Illustration: "HE GROANED AGHAST"] "'Twere hard," it answered, "themes immense To coop within the narrow fence That rings _thy_ scant intelligence." "Not so," he urged, "nor once alone: But there was something in her tone That chilled me to the very bone. "Her style was anything but clear, And most unpleasantly severe; Her epithets were very queer. "And yet, so grand were her replies, I could not choose but deem her wise; I did not dare to criticise; "Nor did I leave her, till she went So deep in tangled argument That all my powers of thought were spent." A little whisper inly slid, "Yet truth is truth: you know you did." A little wink beneath the lid. And, sickened with excess of dread, Prone to the dust he bent his head, And lay like one three-quarters dead. The whisper left him--like a breeze Lost in the depths of leafy trees-- Left him by no means at his ease. Once more he weltered in despair, With hands, through denser-matted hair, More tightly clenched than then they were. When, bathed in Dawn of living red, Majestic frowned the mountain head, "Tell me my fault," was all he said. When, at high Noon, the blazing sky Scorched in his head each haggard eye, Then keenest rose his weary cry. And when at Eve the unpitying sun Smiled grimly on the solemn fun, "Alack," he sighed, "what _have_ I done?" [Illustration: "TORTURED, UNAIDED, AND ALONE"] But saddest, darkest was the sight, When the cold grasp of leaden Night Dashed him to earth, and held him tight. Tortured, unaided, and alone, Thunders were silence to his groan, Bagpipes sweet music to its tone: "What? Ever thus, in dismal round, Shall Pain and Mystery profound Pursue me like a sleepless hound, "With crimson-dashed and eager jaws, Me, still in ignorance of the cause, Unknowing what I broke of laws?" The whisper to his ear did seem Like echoed flow of silent stream, Or shadow of forgotten dream, The whisper trembling in the wind: "Her fate with thine was intertwined," So spake it in his inner mind: [Illustration: "A SCARED DULLARD, GIBBERING LOW"] "Each orbed on each a baleful star: Each proved the other's blight and bar: Each unto each were best, most far: "Yea, each to each was worse than foe: Thou, a scared dullard, gibbering low, AND SHE, AN AVALANCHE OF WOE!" TÈMA CON VARIAZIÓNI. [Why is it that Poetry has never yet been subjected to that process of Dilution which has proved so advantageous to her sister-art Music? The Diluter gives us first a few notes of some well-known Air, then a dozen bars of his own, then a few more notes of the Air, and so on alternately: thus saving the listener, if not from all risk of recognising the melody at all, at least from the too-exciting transports which it might produce in a more concentrated form. The process is termed "setting" by Composers, and any one, that has ever experienced the emotion of being unexpectedly set down in a heap of mortar, will recognise the truthfulness of this happy phrase. For truly, just as the genuine Epicure lingers lovingly over a morsel of supreme Venison--whose every fibre seems to murmur "Excelsior!"--yet swallows, ere returning to the toothsome dainty, great mouthfuls of oatmeal-porridge and winkles: and just as the perfect Connoisseur in Claret permits himself but one delicate sip, and then tosses off a pint or more of boarding-school beer: so also---- I never loved a dear Gazelle-- _Nor anything that cost me much: High prices profit those who sell, But why should I be fond of such?_ To glad me with his soft black eye _My son comes trotting home from school; He's had a fight, but can't tell why-- He always was a little fool!_ But, when he came to know me well, _He kicked me out, her testy Sire: And when I stained my hair, that Belle, Might note the change, and thus admire_ And love me, it was sure to dye _A muddy green or staring blue: Whilst one might trace, with half an eye, The still triumphant carrot through_. A GAME OF FIVES. [Illustration] Five little girls, of Five, Four, Three, Two, One: Rolling on the hearthrug, full of tricks and fun. Five rosy girls, in years from Ten to Six: Sitting down to lessons--no more time for tricks. Five growing girls, from Fifteen to Eleven: Music, Drawing, Languages, and food enough for seven! Five winsome girls, from Twenty to Sixteen: Each young man that calls, I say "Now tell me which you _mean_!" [Illustration: "NOW TELL ME WHICH YOU _MEAN_!"] Five dashing girls, the youngest Twenty-one: But, if nobody proposes, what is there to be done? Five showy girls--but Thirty is an age When girls may be _engaging_, but they somehow don't _engage_. Five dressy girls, of Thirty-one or more: So gracious to the shy young men they snubbed so much before! * * * * * Five _passé_ girls--Their age? Well, never mind! We jog along together, like the rest of human kind: But the quondam "careless bachelor" begins to think he knows The answer to that ancient problem "how the money goes"! POETA FIT, NON NASCITUR. [Illustration] "How shall I be a poet? How shall I write in rhyme? You told me once 'the very wish Partook of the sublime.' Then tell me how! Don't put me off With your 'another time'!" The old man smiled to see him, To hear his sudden sally; He liked the lad to speak his mind Enthusiastically; And thought "There's no hum-drum in him, Nor any shilly-shally." "And would you be a poet Before you've been to school? Ah, well! I hardly thought you So absolute a fool. First learn to be spasmodic-- A very simple rule. "For first you write a sentence, And then you chop it small; Then mix the bits, and sort them out Just as they chance to fall: The order of the phrases makes No difference at all. "Then, if you'd be impressive, Remember what I say, That abstract qualities begin With capitals alway: The True, the Good, the Beautiful-- Those are the things that pay! "Next, when you are describing A shape, or sound, or tint; Don't state the matter plainly, But put it in a hint; And learn to look at all things With a sort of mental squint." "For instance, if I wished, Sir, Of mutton-pies to tell, Should I say 'dreams of fleecy flocks Pent in a wheaten cell'?" "Why, yes," the old man said: "that phrase Would answer very well. "Then fourthly, there are epithets That suit with any word-- As well as Harvey's Reading Sauce With fish, or flesh, or bird-- Of these, 'wild,' 'lonely,' 'weary,' 'strange,' Are much to be preferred." "And will it do, O will it do To take them in a lump-- As 'the wild man went his weary way To a strange and lonely pump'?" "Nay, nay! You must not hastily To such conclusions jump. "Such epithets, like pepper, Give zest to what you write; And, if you strew them sparely, They whet the appetite: But if you lay them on too thick, You spoil the matter quite! [Illustration: "THE WILD MAN WENT HIS WEARY WAY"] "Last, as to the arrangement: Your reader, you should show him, Must take what information he Can get, and look for no im- mature disclosure of the drift And purpose of your poem. "Therefore, to test his patience-- How much he can endure-- Mention no places, names, or dates, And evermore be sure Throughout the poem to be found Consistently obscure. "First fix upon the limit To which it shall extend: Then fill it up with 'Padding' (Beg some of any friend): Your great SENSATION-STANZA You place towards the end." "And what is a Sensation, Grandfather, tell me, pray? I think I never heard the word So used before to-day: Be kind enough to mention one '_Exempli gratiâ_.'" And the old man, looking sadly Across the garden-lawn, Where here and there a dew-drop Yet glittered in the dawn, Said "Go to the Adelphi, And see the 'Colleen Bawn.' "The word is due to Boucicault-- The theory is his, Where Life becomes a Spasm, And History a Whiz: If that is not Sensation, I don't know what it is. "Now try your hand, ere Fancy Have lost its present glow--" "And then," his grandson added, "We'll publish it, you know: Green cloth--gold-lettered at the back-- In duodecimo!" Then proudly smiled that old man To see the eager lad Rush madly for his pen and ink And for his blotting-pad-- But, when he thought of _publishing_, His face grew stern and sad. [Illustration] THE HUNTING OF THE SNARK, An Agony in Eight Fits. PREFACE. If--and the thing is wildly possible--the charge of writing nonsense were ever brought against the author of this brief but instructive poem, it would be based, I feel convinced, on the line (in p. 144) "Then the bowsprit got mixed with the rudder sometimes:" In view of this painful possibility, I will not (as I might) appeal indignantly to my other writings as a proof that I am incapable of such a deed: I will not (as I might) point to the strong moral purpose of this poem itself, to the arithmetical principles so cautiously inculcated in it, or to its noble teachings in Natural History--I will take the more prosaic course of simply explaining how it happened. The Bellman, who was almost morbidly sensitive about appearances, used to have the bowsprit unshipped once or twice a week to be revarnished; and it more than once happened, when the time came for replacing it, that no one on board could remember which end of the ship it belonged to. They knew it was not of the slightest use to appeal to the Bellman about it--he would only refer to his Naval Code, and read out in pathetic tones Admiralty Instructions which none of them had ever been able to understand--so it generally ended in its being fastened on, anyhow, across the rudder. The helmsman[1] used to stand by with tears in his eyes: _he_ knew it was all wrong, but alas! Rule 42 of the Code, "_No one shall speak to the Man at the Helm_," had been completed by the Bellman himself with the words "_and the Man at the Helm shall speak to no one_." So remonstrance was impossible, and no steering could be done till the next varnishing day. During these bewildering intervals the ship usually sailed backwards. As this poem is to some extent connected with the lay of the Jabberwock, let me take this opportunity of answering a question that has often been asked me, how to pronounce "slithy toves." The "i" in "slithy" is long, as in "writhe"; and "toves" is pronounced so as to rhyme with "groves." Again, the first "o" in "borogoves" is pronounced like the "o" in "borrow." I have heard people try to give it the sound of the "o" in "worry." Such is Human Perversity. [1] This office was usually undertaken by the Boots, who found in it a refuge from the Baker's constant complaints about the insufficient blacking of his three pair of boots. This also seems a fitting occasion to notice the other hard words in that poem. Humpty-Dumpty's theory, of two meanings packed into one word like a portmanteau, seems to me the right explanation for all. For instance, take the two words "fuming" and "furious." Make up your mind that you will say both words, but leave it unsettled which you will say first. Now open your mouth and speak. If your thoughts incline ever so little towards "fuming," you will say "fuming-furious"; if they turn, by even a hair's breadth towards "furious," you will say "furious-fuming"; but if you have that rarest of gifts, a perfectly balanced mind, you will say "frumious." Supposing that, when Pistol uttered the well-known words-- "Under which king, Bezonian? Speak or die!" Justice Shallow had felt certain that it was either William or Richard, but had not been able to settle which, so that he could not possibly say either name before the other, can it be doubted that, rather than die, he would have gasped out "Rilchiam!" Fit the First. _THE LANDING._ "Just the place for a Snark!" the Bellman cried, As he landed his crew with care; Supporting each man on the top of the tide By a finger entwined in his hair. "Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: That alone should encourage the crew. Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: What I tell you three times is true." The crew was complete: it included a Boots-- A maker of Bonnets and Hoods-- A Barrister, brought to arrange their disputes-- And a Broker, to value their goods. [Illustration: "SUPPORTING EACH MAN ON THE TOP OF THE TIDE"] A Billiard-marker, whose skill was immense, Might perhaps have won more than his share-- But a Banker, engaged at enormous expense, Had the whole of their cash in his care. There was also a Beaver, that paced on the deck, Or would sit making lace in the bow: And had often (the Bellman said) saved them from wreck, Though none of the sailors knew how. There was one who was famed for the number of things He forgot when he entered the ship: His umbrella, his watch, all his jewels and rings, And the clothes he had bought for the trip. He had forty-two boxes, all carefully packed, With his name painted clearly on each: But since he omitted to mention the fact, They were all left behind on the beach. The loss of his clothes hardly mattered, because He had seven coats on when he came, With three pair of boots--but the worst of it was He had wholly forgotten his name. [Illustration: "HE HAD WHOLLY FORGOTTEN HIS NAME"] He would answer to "Hi!" or to any loud cry, Such as "Fry me!" or "Fritter my wig!" To "What-you-may-call-um!" or "What-was-his-name!" But especially "Thing-um-a jig!" While, for those who preferred a more forcible word, He had different names from these: His intimate friends called him "Candle-ends," And his enemies "Toasted-cheese." "His form is ungainly--his intellect small--" (So the Bellman would often remark)-- "But his courage is perfect! And that, after all, Is the thing that one needs with a Snark." He would joke with hyænas, returning their stare With an impudent wag of the head: And he once went a walk, paw-in-paw, with a bear, "Just to keep up its spirits," he said. He came as a Baker: but owned, when too late-- And it drove the poor Bellman half-mad-- He could only bake Bride-cake--for which, I may state, No materials were to be had. The last of the crew needs especial remark, Though he looked an incredible dunce: He had just one idea--but, that one being "Snark," The good Bellman engaged him at once. He came as a Butcher: but gravely declared, When the ship had been sailing a week, He could only kill Beavers. The Bellman looked scared, And was almost too frightened to speak: But at length he explained, in a tremulous tone, There was only one Beaver on board; And that was a tame one he had of his own, Whose death would be deeply deplored. The Beaver, who happened to hear the remark, Protested, with tears in its eyes, That not even the rapture of hunting the Snark Could atone for that dismal surprise! It strongly advised that the Butcher should be Conveyed in a separate ship: But the Bellman declared that would never agree With the plans he had made for the trip: [Illustration: "THE BEAVER KEPT LOOKING THE OPPOSITE WAY"] Navigation was always a difficult art, Though with only one ship and one bell: And he feared he must really decline, for his part, Undertaking another as well. The Beaver's best course was, no doubt, to procure A second-hand dagger-proof coat-- So the Baker advised it--and next, to insure Its life in some Office of note: This the Banker suggested, and offered for hire (On moderate terms), or for sale, Two excellent Policies, one Against Fire, And one Against Damage From Hail. Yet still, ever after that sorrowful day, Whenever the Butcher was by, The Beaver kept looking the opposite way, And appeared unaccountably shy. Fit the Second. _THE BELLMAN'S SPEECH._ The Bellman himself they all praised to the skies-- Such a carriage, such ease and such grace! Such solemnity, too! One could see he was wise, The moment one looked in his face! He had bought a large map representing the sea, Without the least vestige of land: And the crew were much pleased when they found it to be A map they could all understand. "What's the good of Mercator's North Poles and Equators, Tropics, Zones, and Meridian Lines?" So the Bellman would cry: and the crew would reply "They are merely conventional signs! [Illustration: OCEAN-CHART.] "Other maps are such shapes, with their islands and capes! But we've got our brave Captain to thank" (So the crew would protest) "that he's bought _us_ the best-- A perfect and absolute blank!" This was charming, no doubt: but they shortly found out That the Captain they trusted so well Had only one notion for crossing the ocean, And that was to tingle his bell. He was thoughtful and grave--but the orders he gave Were enough to bewilder a crew. When he cried "Steer to starboard, but keep her head larboard!" What on earth was the helmsman to do? Then the bowsprit got mixed with the rudder sometimes: A thing, as the Bellman remarked, That frequently happens in tropical climes, When a vessel is, so to speak, "snarked." But the principal failing occurred in the sailing, And the Bellman, perplexed and distressed, Said he _had_ hoped, at least, when the wind blew due East, That the ship would _not_ travel due West! But the danger was past--they had landed at last, With their boxes, portmanteaus, and bags: Yet at first sight the crew were not pleased with the view Which consisted of chasms and crags. The Bellman perceived that their spirits were low, And repeated in musical tone Some jokes he had kept for a season of woe-- But the crew would do nothing but groan. He served out some grog with a liberal hand, And bade them sit down on the beach: And they could not but own that their Captain looked grand, As he stood and delivered his speech. "Friends, Romans, and countrymen, lend me your ears! (They were all of them fond of quotations: So they drank to his health, and they gave him three cheers While he served out additional rations). "We have sailed many months, we have sailed many weeks, (Four weeks to the month you may mark), But never as yet ('tis your Captain who speaks) Have we caught the least glimpse of a Snark! "We have sailed many weeks, we have sailed many days, (Seven days to the week I allow), But a Snark, on the which we might lovingly gaze, We have never beheld till now! "Come, listen, my men, while I tell you again The five unmistakable marks By which you may know, wheresoever you go, The warranted genuine Snarks. "Let us take them in order. The first is the taste, Which is meagre and hollow, but crisp: Like a coat that is rather too tight in the waist, With a flavour of Will-o-the wisp. "Its habit of getting up late you'll agree That it carries too far, when I say That it frequently breakfasts at five o'clock tea, And dines on the following day. "The third is its slowness in taking a jest. Should you happen to venture on one, It will sigh like a thing that is deeply distressed: And it always looks grave at a pun. "The fourth is its fondness for bathing-machines, Which it constantly carries about, And believes that they add to the beauty of scenes-- A sentiment open to doubt. "The fifth is ambition. It next will be right To describe each particular batch: Distinguishing those that have feathers, and bite, From those that have whiskers, and scratch. "For, although common Snarks do no manner of harm, Yet I feel it my duty to say Some are Boojums--" The Bellman broke off in alarm, For the Baker had fainted away. Fit the Third. _THE BAKER'S TALE._ They roused him with muffins--they roused him with ice-- They roused him with mustard and cress-- They roused him with jam and judicious advice-- They set him conundrums to guess. When at length he sat up and was able to speak, His sad story he offered to tell; And the Bellman cried "Silence! Not even a shriek!" And excitedly tingled his bell. There was silence supreme! Not a shriek, not a scream; Scarcely even a howl or a groan, As the man they called "Ho!" told his story of woe In an antediluvian tone. "My father and mother were honest, though poor--" "Skip all that!" cried the Bellman in haste. "If it once becomes dark, there's no chance of a Snark-- We have hardly a minute to waste!" "I skip forty years," said the Baker, in tears, "And proceed without further remark To the day when you took me aboard of your ship To help you in hunting the Snark. "A dear uncle of mine (after whom I was named) Remarked, when I bade him farewell--" "Oh, skip your dear uncle!" the Bellman exclaimed, As he angrily tingled his bell. "He remarked to me then," said that mildest of men, "'If your Snark be a Snark, that is right: Fetch it home by all means--you may serve it with greens And it's handy for striking a light. "'You may seek it with thimbles--and seek it with care; You may hunt it with forks and hope; You may threaten its life with a railway-share; You may charm it with smiles and soap--'" ("That's exactly the method," the Bellman bold In a hasty parenthesis cried, "That's exactly the way I have always been told That the capture of Snarks should be tried!") "'But oh, beamish nephew, beware of the day, If your Snark be a Boojum! For then You will softly and suddenly vanish away, And never be met with again!' "It is this, it is this that oppresses my soul, When I think of my uncle's last words: And my heart is like nothing so much as a bowl Brimming over with quivering curds! "It is this, it is this--" "We have had that before!" The Bellman indignantly said. And the Baker replied "Let me say it once more. It is this, it is this that I dread! "I engage with the Snark--every night after dark-- In a dreamy delirious fight: I serve it with greens in those shadowy scenes, And I use it for striking a light: [Illustration: "BUT OH, BEAMISH NEPHEW, BEWARE OF THE DAY"] "But if ever I meet with a Boojum, that day, In a moment (of this I am sure), I shall softly and suddenly vanish away-- And the notion I cannot endure!" Fit the Fourth. _THE HUNTING._ The Bellman looked uffish, and wrinkled his brow. "If only you'd spoken before! It's excessively awkward to mention it now, With the Snark, so to speak, at the door! "We should all of us grieve, as you well may believe, If you never were met with again-- But surely, my man, when the voyage began, You might have suggested it then? "It's excessively awkward to mention it now-- As I think I've already remarked." And the man they called "Hi!" replied, with a sigh, "I informed you the day we embarked. "You may charge me with murder--or want of sense-- (We are all of us weak at times): But the slightest approach to a false pretence Was never among my crimes! "I said it in Hebrew--I said it in Dutch-- I said it in German and Greek: But I wholly forgot (and it vexes me much) That English is what you speak!" "'Tis a pitiful tale," said the Bellman, whose face Had grown longer at every word: "But, now that you've stated the whole of your case, More debate would be simply absurd. "The rest of my speech" (he explained to his men) "You shall hear when I've leisure to speak it. But the Snark is at hand, let me tell you again! 'Tis your glorious duty to seek it! "To seek it with thimbles, to seek it with care; To pursue it with forks and hope; To threaten its life with a railway-share; To charm it with smiles and soap! [Illustration: "TO PURSUE IT WITH FORKS AND HOPE."] "For the Snark's a peculiar creature, that won't Be caught in a commonplace way. Do all that you know, and try all that you don't: Not a chance must be wasted to-day! "For England expects--I forbear to proceed: 'Tis a maxim tremendous, but trite: And you'd best be unpacking the things that you need To rig yourselves out for the fight." Then the Banker endorsed a blank cheque (which he crossed), And changed his loose silver for notes: The Baker with care combed his whiskers and hair, And shook the dust out of his coats: The Boots and the Broker were sharpening a spade-- Each working the grindstone in turn: But the Beaver went on making lace, and displayed No interest in the concern: Though the Barrister tried to appeal to its pride, And vainly proceeded to cite A number of cases, in which making laces Had been proved an infringement of right. The maker of Bonnets ferociously planned A novel arrangement of bows: While the Billiard-marker with quivering hand Was chalking the tip of his nose. But the Butcher turned nervous, and dressed himself fine, With yellow kid gloves and a ruff-- Said he felt it exactly like going to dine, Which the Bellman declared was all "stuff." "Introduce me, now there's a good fellow," he said, "If we happen to meet it together!" And the Bellman, sagaciously nodding his head, Said "That must depend on the weather." The Beaver went simply galumphing about, At seeing the Butcher so shy: And even the Baker, though stupid and stout, Made an effort to wink with one eye. "Be a man!" cried the Bellman in wrath, as he heard The Butcher beginning to sob. "Should we meet with a Jubjub, that desperate bird, We shall need all our strength for the job!" Fit the Fifth. _THE BEAVER'S LESSON._ They sought it with thimbles, they sought it with care They pursued it with forks and hope; They threatened its life with a railway-share; They charmed it with smiles and soap. Then the Butcher contrived an ingenious plan For making a separate sally; And had fixed on a spot unfrequented by man, A dismal and desolate valley. But the very same plan to the Beaver occurred: It had chosen the very same place: Yet neither betrayed, by a sign or a word, The disgust that appeared in his face. Each thought he was thinking of nothing but "Snark" And the glorious work of the day; And each tried to pretend that he did not remark That the other was going that way. But the valley grew narrow and narrower still, And the evening got darker and colder, Till (merely from nervousness, not from good will) They marched along shoulder to shoulder. Then a scream, shrill and high, rent the shuddering sky, And they knew that some danger was near: The Beaver turned pale to the tip of its tail, And even the Butcher felt queer. He thought of his childhood, left far far behind-- That blissful and innocent state-- The sound so exactly recalled to his mind A pencil that squeaks on a slate! "'Tis the voice of the Jubjub!" he suddenly cried. (This man, that they used to call "Dunce.") "As the Bellman would tell you," he added with pride, "I have uttered that sentiment once." "'Tis the note of the Jubjub! Keep count, I entreat; You will find I have told it you twice. 'Tis the song of the Jubjub! The proof is complete, If only I've stated it thrice." The Beaver had counted with scrupulous care, Attending to every word: But it fairly lost heart, and outgrabe in despair, When the third repetition occurred. It felt that, in spite of all possible pains, It had somehow contrived to lose count, And the only thing now was to rack its poor brains By reckoning up the amount. "Two added to one--if that could but be done," It said, "with one's fingers and thumbs!" Recollecting with tears how, in earlier years, It had taken no pains with its sums. "The thing can be done," said the Butcher, "I think. The thing must be done, I am sure. The thing shall be done! Bring me paper and ink, The best there is time to procure." The Beaver brought paper, portfolio, pens, And ink in unfailing supplies: While strange creepy creatures came out of their dens, And watched them with wondering eyes. So engrossed was the Butcher, he heeded them not, As he wrote with a pen in each hand, And explained all the while in a popular style Which the Beaver could well understand. "Taking Three as the subject to reason about-- A convenient number to state-- We add Seven, and Ten, and then multiply out By One Thousand diminished by Eight. "The result we proceed to divide, as you see, By Nine-Hundred-and-Ninety-and-Two: Then subtract Seventeen, and the answer must be Exactly and perfectly true. "The method employed I would gladly explain, While I have it so clear in my head, If I had but the time and you had but the brain-- But much yet remains to be said. [Illustration: "THE BEAVER BROUGHT PAPER, PORTFOLIO, PENS"] "In one moment I've seen what has hitherto been Enveloped in absolute mystery, And without extra charge I will give you at large A Lesson in Natural History." In his genial way he proceeded to say (Forgetting all laws of propriety, And that giving instruction, without introduction, Would have caused quite a thrill in Society), "As to temper the Jubjub's a desperate bird, Since it lives in perpetual passion: Its taste in costume is entirely absurd-- It is ages ahead of the fashion: "But it knows any friend it has met once before: It never will look at a bribe: And in charity-meetings it stands at the door, And collects--though it does not subscribe. "Its flavour when cooked is more exquisite far Than mutton, or oysters, or eggs: (Some think it keeps best in an ivory jar, And some, in mahogany kegs:) "You boil it in sawdust: you salt it in glue: You condense it with locusts and tape: Still keeping one principal object in view-- To preserve its symmetrical shape." The Butcher would gladly have talked till next day, But he felt that the Lesson must end, And he wept with delight in attempting to say He considered the Beaver his friend: While the Beaver confessed, with affectionate looks More eloquent even than tears, It had learned in ten minutes far more than all books Would have taught it in seventy years. They returned hand-in-hand, and the Bellman, unmanned (For a moment) with noble emotion, Said "This amply repays all the wearisome days We have spent on the billowy ocean!" Such friends, as the Beaver and Butcher became, Have seldom if ever been known; In winter or summer, 'twas always the same-- You could never meet either alone. And when quarrels arose--as one frequently finds Quarrels will, spite of every endeavour-- The song of the Jubjub recurred to their minds, And cemented their friendship for ever! Fit the Sixth. _THE BARRISTER'S DREAM._ They sought it with thimbles, they sought it with care; They pursued it with forks and hope; They threatened its life with a railway-share; They charmed it with smiles and soap. But the Barrister, weary of proving in vain That the Beaver's lace-making was wrong, Fell asleep, and in dreams saw the creature quite plain That his fancy had dwelt on so long. He dreamed that he stood in a shadowy Court, Where the Snark, with a glass in its eye, Dressed in gown, bands, and wig, was defending a pig On the charge of deserting its sty. [Illustration: "'YOU MUST KNOW--' SAID THE JUDGE: BUT THE SNARK EXCLAIMED 'FUDGE!'"] The Witnesses proved, without error or flaw, That the sty was deserted when found: And the Judge kept explaining the state of the law In a soft under-current of sound. The indictment had never been clearly expressed, And it seemed that the Snark had begun, And had spoken three hours, before any one guessed What the pig was supposed to have done. The Jury had each formed a different view (Long before the indictment was read), And they all spoke at once, so that none of them knew One word that the others had said. "You must know--" said the Judge: but the Snark exclaimed "Fudge! That statute is obsolete quite! Let me tell you, my friends, the whole question depends On an ancient manorial right. "In the matter of Treason the pig would appear To have aided, but scarcely abetted: While the charge of Insolvency fails, it is clear, If you grant the plea 'never indebted.' "The fact of Desertion I will not dispute: But its guilt, as I trust, is removed (So far as relates to the costs of this suit) By the Alibi which has been proved. "My poor client's fate now depends on your votes." Here the speaker sat down in his place, And directed the Judge to refer to his notes And briefly to sum up the case. But the Judge said he never had summed up before; So the Snark undertook it instead, And summed it so well that it came to far more Than the Witnesses ever had said! When the verdict was called for, the Jury declined, As the word was so puzzling to spell; But they ventured to hope that the Snark wouldn't mind Undertaking that duty as well. So the Snark found the verdict, although, as it owned, It was spent with the toils of the day: When it said the word "GUILTY!" the Jury all groaned And some of them fainted away. Then the Snark pronounced sentence, the Judge being quite Too nervous to utter a word: When it rose to its feet, there was silence like night, And the fall of a pin might be heard. "Transportation for life" was the sentence it gave, "And _then_ to be fined forty pound." The Jury all cheered, though the Judge said he feared That the phrase was not legally sound. But their wild exultation was suddenly checked When the jailer informed them, with tears, Such a sentence would have not the slightest effect, As the pig had been dead for some years. The Judge left the Court, looking deeply disgusted: But the Snark, though a little aghast, As the lawyer to whom the defence was intrusted, Went bellowing on to the last. Thus the Barrister dreamed, while the bellowing seemed To grow every moment more clear: Till he woke to the knell of a furious bell, Which the Bellman rang close at his ear. Fit the Seventh. _THE BANKER'S FATE._ They sought it with thimbles, they sought it with care; They pursued it with forks and hope; They threatened its life with a railway-share; They charmed it with smiles and soap. And the Banker, inspired with a courage so new It was matter for general remark, Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view In his zeal to discover the Snark. But while he was seeking with thimbles and care, A Bandersnatch swiftly drew nigh And grabbed at the Banker, who shrieked in despair, For he knew it was useless to fly. He offered large discount--he offered a cheque (Drawn "to bearer") for seven-pounds-ten: But the Bandersnatch merely extended its neck And grabbed at the Banker again. Without rest or pause--while those frumious jaws Went savagely snapping around-- He skipped and he hopped, and he floundered and flopped, Till fainting he fell to the ground. The Bandersnatch fled as the others appeared Led on by that fear-stricken yell: And the Bellman remarked "It is just as I feared!" And solemnly tolled on his bell. He was black in the face, and they scarcely could trace The least likeness to what he had been: While so great was his fright that his waistcoat turned white-- A wonderful thing to be seen! [Illustration: "SO GREAT WAS HIS FRIGHT THAT HIS WAISTCOAT TURNED WHITE."] To the horror of all who were present that day, He uprose in full evening dress, And with senseless grimaces endeavoured to say What his tongue could no longer express. Down he sank in a chair--ran his hands through his hair-- And chanted in mimsiest tones Words whose utter inanity proved his insanity, While he rattled a couple of bones. "Leave him here to his fate--it is getting so late!" The Bellman exclaimed in a fright. "We have lost half the day. Any further delay, And we sha'n't catch a Snark before night!" Fit the Eighth. _THE VANISHING._ They sought it with thimbles, they sought it with care; They pursued it with forks and hope; They threatened its life with a railway-share; They charmed it with smiles and soap. They shuddered to think that the chase might fail, And the Beaver, excited at last, Went bounding along on the tip of its tail, For the daylight was nearly past. "There is Thingumbob shouting!" the Bellman said. "He is shouting like mad, only hark! He is waving his hands, he is wagging his head, He has certainly found a Snark!" They gazed in delight, while the Butcher exclaimed "He was always a desperate wag!" They beheld him--their Baker--their hero unnamed-- On the top of a neighbouring crag, Erect and sublime, for one moment of time. In the next, that wild figure they saw (As if stung by a spasm) plunge into a chasm, While they waited and listened in awe. "It's a Snark!" was the sound that first came to their ears, And seemed almost too good to be true. Then followed a torrent of laughter and cheers: Then the ominous words "It's a Boo--" Then, silence. Some fancied they heard in the air A weary and wandering sigh That sounded like "--jum!" but the others declare It was only a breeze that went by. [Illustration: "THEN, SILENCE"] They hunted till darkness came on, but they found Not a button, or feather, or mark, By which they could tell that they stood on the ground Where the Baker had met with the Snark. In the midst of the word he was trying to say, In the midst of his laughter and glee, He had softly and suddenly vanished away-- For the Snark _was_ a Boojum, you see. SIZE AND TEARS. [Illustration] When on the sandy shore I sit, Beside the salt sea-wave, And fall into a weeping fit Because I dare not shave-- A little whisper at my ear Enquires the reason of my fear. I answer "If that ruffian Jones Should recognise me here, He'd bellow out my name in tones Offensive to the ear: He chaffs me so on being stout (A thing that always puts me out)." Ah me! I see him on the cliff! Farewell, farewell to hope, If he should look this way, and if He's got his telescope! To whatsoever place I flee, My odious rival follows me! For every night, and everywhere, I meet him out at dinner; And when I've found some charming fair, And vowed to die or win her, The wretch (he's thin and I am stout) Is sure to come and cut me out! [Illustration: "HE'S THIN AND I AM STOUT"] The girls (just like them!) all agree To praise J. Jones, Esquire: I ask them what on earth they see About him to admire? They cry "He is so sleek and slim, It's quite a treat to look at him!" They vanish in tobacco smoke, Those visionary maids-- I feel a sharp and sudden poke Between the shoulder-blades-- "Why, Brown, my boy! You're growing stout!" (I told you he would find me out!) "My growth is not _your_ business, Sir!" "No more it is, my boy! But if it's _yours_, as I infer, Why, Brown, I give you joy! A man, whose business prospers so, Is just the sort of man to know! "It's hardly safe, though, talking here-- I'd best get out of reach: For such a weight as yours, I fear, Must shortly sink the beach!"-- Insult me thus because I'm stout! I vow I'll go and call him out! [Illustration] ATALANTA IN CAMDEN-TOWN. Ay, 'twas here, on this spot, In that summer of yore, Atalanta did not Vote my presence a bore, Nor reply to my tenderest talk "She had heard all that nonsense before." She'd the brooch I had bought And the necklace and sash on, And her heart, as I thought, Was alive to my passion; And she'd done up her hair in the style that the Empress had brought into fashion. [Illustration] I had been to the play With my pearl of a Peri-- But, for all I could say, She declared she was weary, That "the place was so crowded and hot, and she couldn't abide that Dundreary." Then I thought "'Tis for me That she whines and she whimpers!" And it soothed me to see Those sensational simpers, And I said "This is scrumptious!"--a phrase I had learned from the Devonshire shrimpers. And I vowed "'Twill be said I'm a fortunate fellow, When the breakfast is spread, When the topers are mellow, When the foam of the bride-cake is white, and the fierce orange-blossoms are yellow!" O that languishing yawn! O those eloquent eyes! I was drunk with the dawn Of a splendid surmise-- I was stung by a look, I was slain by a tear, by a tempest of sighs. And I whispered "'Tis time! Is not Love at its deepest? Shall we squander Life's prime, While thou waitest and weepest? Let us settle it, License or Banns?--though undoubtedly Banns are the cheapest." "Ah, my Hero," said I, "Let me be thy Leander!" But I lost her reply-- Something ending with "gander"-- For the omnibus rattled so loud that no mortal could quite understand her. THE LANG COORTIN'. The ladye she stood at her lattice high, Wi' her doggie at her feet; Thorough the lattice she can spy The passers in the street. "There's one that standeth at the door, And tirleth at the pin: Now speak and say, my popinjay, If I sall let him in." Then up and spake the popinjay That flew abune her head: "Gae let him in that tirls the pin: He cometh thee to wed." O when he cam' the parlour in, A woeful man was he! "And dinna ye ken your lover agen, Sae well that loveth thee?" [Illustration] "And how wad I ken ye loved me, Sir, That have been sae lang away? And how wad I ken ye loved me, Sir? Ye never telled me sae." Said--"Ladye dear," and the salt, salt tear Cam' rinnin' doon his cheek, "I have sent thee tokens of my love This many and many a week. "O didna ye get the rings, Ladye, The rings o' the gowd sae fine? I wot that I have sent to thee Four score, four score and nine." "They cam' to me," said that fair ladye. "Wow, they were flimsie things!" Said--"that chain o' gowd, my doggie to howd, It is made o' thae self-same rings." "And didna ye get the locks, the locks, The locks o' my ain black hair, Whilk I sent by post, whilk I sent by box, Whilk I sent by the carrier?" "They cam' to me," said that fair ladye; "And I prithee send nae mair!" Said--"that cushion sae red, for my doggie's head, It is stuffed wi' thae locks o' hair." "And didna ye get the letter, Ladye, Tied wi' a silken string, Whilk I sent to thee frae the far countrie, A message of love to bring?" "It cam' to me frae the far countrie Wi' its silken string and a'; But it wasna prepaid," said that high-born maid, "Sae I gar'd them tak' it awa'." "O ever alack that ye sent it back, It was written sae clerkly and well! Now the message it brought, and the boon that it sought, I must even say it mysel'." Then up and spake the popinjay, Sae wisely counselled he. "Now say it in the proper way: Gae doon upon thy knee!" The lover he turned baith red and pale, Went doon upon his knee: "O Ladye, hear the waesome tale That must be told to thee! "For five lang years, and five lang years, I coorted thee by looks; By nods and winks, by smiles and tears, As I had read in books. "For ten lang years, O weary hours! I coorted thee by signs; By sending game, by sending flowers, By sending Valentines. "For five lang years, and five lang years, I have dwelt in the far countrie, Till that thy mind should be inclined Mair tenderly to me. "Now thirty years are gane and past, I am come frae a foreign land: I am come to tell thee my love at last-- O Ladye, gie me thy hand!" The ladye she turned not pale nor red, But she smiled a pitiful smile: "Sic' a coortin' as yours, my man," she said "Takes a lang and a weary while!" And out and laughed the popinjay, A laugh of bitter scorn: "A coortin' done in sic' a way, It ought not to be borne!" [Illustration: "AND OUT AND LAUGHED THE POPINJAY"] Wi' that the doggie barked aloud, And up and doon he ran, And tugged and strained his chain o' gowd, All for to bite the man. "O hush thee, gentle popinjay! O hush thee, doggie dear! There is a word I fain wad say, It needeth he should hear!" Aye louder screamed that ladye fair To drown her doggie's bark: Ever the lover shouted mair To make that ladye hark: Shrill and more shrill the popinjay Upraised his angry squall: I trow the doggie's voice that day Was louder than them all! The serving-men and serving-maids Sat by the kitchen fire: They heard sic' a din the parlour within As made them much admire. [Illustration: "O HUSH THEE, GENTLE POPINJAY!"] Out spake the boy in buttons (I ween he wasna thin), "Now wha will tae the parlour gae, And stay this deadlie din?" And they have taen a kerchief, Casted their kevils in, For wha should tae the parlour gae, And stay that deadlie din. When on that boy the kevil fell To stay the fearsome noise, "Gae in," they cried, "whate'er betide, Thou prince of button-boys!" Syne, he has taen a supple cane To swinge that dog sae fat: The doggie yowled, the doggie howled The louder aye for that. Syne, he has taen a mutton-bane-- The doggie ceased his noise, And followed doon the kitchen stair That prince of button-boys! [Illustration: "THE DOGGIE CEASED HIS NOISE"] Then sadly spake that ladye fair, Wi' a frown upon her brow: "O dearer to me is my sma' doggie Than a dozen sic' as thou! "Nae use, nae use for sighs and tears: Nae use at all to fret: Sin' ye've bided sae well for thirty years, Ye may bide a wee langer yet!" Sadly, sadly he crossed the floor And tirlëd at the pin: Sadly went he through the door Where sadly he cam' in. "O gin I had a popinjay To fly abune my head, To tell me what I ought to say, I had by this been wed. "O gin I find anither ladye," He said wi' sighs and tears, "I wot my coortin' sall not be Anither thirty years: "For gin I find a ladye gay, Exactly to my taste, I'll pop the question, aye or nay, In twenty years at maist." [Illustration] FOUR RIDDLES. [These consist of two Double Acrostics and two Charades. No. I. was written at the request of some young friends, who had gone to a ball at an Oxford Commemoration--and also as a specimen of what might be done by making the Double Acrostic _a connected poem_ instead of what it has hitherto been, a string of disjointed stanzas, on every conceivable subject, and about as interesting to read straight through as a page of a Cyclopædia. The first two stanzas describe the two main words, and each subsequent stanza one of the cross "lights." No. II. was written after seeing Miss Ellen Terry perform in the play of "Hamlet." In this case the first stanza describes the two main words. No. III. was written after seeing Miss Marion Terry perform in Mr. Gilbert's play of "Pygmalion and Galatea." The three stanzas respectively describe "My First," "My Second," and "My Whole."] I. There was an ancient City, stricken down With a strange frenzy, and for many a day They paced from morn to eve the crowded town, And danced the night away. I asked the cause: the aged man grew sad: They pointed to a building gray and tall, And hoarsely answered "Step inside, my lad, And then you'll see it all." * * * * * Yet what are all such gaieties to me Whose thoughts are full of indices and surds? x{2} + 7x + 53 = 11/3. But something whispered "It will soon be done: Bands cannot always play, nor ladies smile: Endure with patience the distasteful fun For just a little while!" A change came o'er my Vision--it was night: We clove a pathway through a frantic throng: The steeds, wild-plunging, filled us with affright: The chariots whirled along. Within a marble hall a river ran-- A living tide, half muslin and half cloth: And here one mourned a broken wreath or fan, Yet swallowed down her wrath; And here one offered to a thirsty fair (His words half-drowned amid those thunders tuneful) Some frozen viand (there were many there), A tooth-ache in each spoonful. There comes a happy pause, for human strength Will not endure to dance without cessation; And every one must reach the point at length Of absolute prostration. At such a moment ladies learn to give, To partners who would urge them over-much, A flat and yet decided negative-- Photographers love such. There comes a welcome summons--hope revives, And fading eyes grow bright, and pulses quicken: Incessant pop the corks, and busy knives Dispense the tongue and chicken. Flushed with new life, the crowd flows back again: And all is tangled talk and mazy motion-- Much like a waving field of golden grain, Or a tempestuous ocean. And thus they give the time, that Nature meant For peaceful sleep and meditative snores, To ceaseless din and mindless merriment And waste of shoes and floors. And One (we name him not) that flies the flowers, That dreads the dances, and that shuns the salads, They doom to pass in solitude the hours, Writing acrostic-ballads. How late it grows! The hour is surely past That should have warned us with its double-knock? The twilight wanes, and morning comes at last-- "Oh, Uncle, what's o'clock?" The Uncle gravely nods, and wisely winks. It _may_ mean much, but how is one to know? He opes his mouth--yet out of it, methinks, No words of wisdom flow. II. Empress of Art, for thee I twine This wreath with all too slender skill. Forgive my Muse each halting line, And for the deed accept the will! * * * * * O day of tears! Whence comes this spectre grim, Parting, like Death's cold river, souls that love? Is not he bound to thee, as thou to him, By vows, unwhispered here, yet heard above? And still it lives, that keen and heavenward flame, Lives in his eye, and trembles in his tone: And these wild words of fury but proclaim A heart that beats for thee, for thee alone! But all is lost: that mighty mind o'erthrown, Like sweet bells jangled, piteous sight to see! "Doubt that the stars are fire," so runs his moan, "Doubt Truth herself, but not my love for thee!" A sadder vision yet: thine aged sire Shaming his hoary locks with treacherous wile! And dost thou now doubt Truth to be a liar? And wilt thou die, that hast forgot to smile? Nay, get thee hence! Leave all thy winsome ways And the faint fragrance of thy scattered flowers: In holy silence wait the appointed days, And weep away the leaden-footed hours. III. The air is bright with hues of light And rich with laughter and with singing: Young hearts beat high in ecstasy, And banners wave, and bells are ringing: But silence falls with fading day, And there's an end to mirth and play. Ah, well-a-day! Rest your old bones, ye wrinkled crones! The kettle sings, the firelight dances. Deep be it quaffed, the magic draught That fills the soul with golden fancies! For Youth and Pleasance will not stay, And ye are withered, worn, and gray. Ah, well-a-day! O fair cold face! O form of grace, For human passion madly yearning! O weary air of dumb despair, From marble won, to marble turning! "Leave us not thus!" we fondly pray. "We cannot let thee pass away!" Ah, well-a-day! IV. My First is singular at best: More plural is my Second: My Third is far the pluralest-- So plural-plural, I protest It scarcely can be reckoned! My First is followed by a bird: My Second by believers In magic art: my simple Third Follows, too often, hopes absurd And plausible deceivers. My First to get at wisdom tries-- A failure melancholy! My Second men revered as wise: My Third from heights of wisdom flies To depths of frantic folly. My First is ageing day by day: My Second's age is ended: My Third enjoys an age, they say, That never seems to fade away, Through centuries extended. My Whole? I need a poet's pen To paint her myriad phases: The monarch, and the slave, of men-- A mountain-summit, and a den Of dark and deadly mazes-- A flashing light--a fleeting shade-- Beginning, end, and middle Of all that human art hath made Or wit devised! Go, seek _her_ aid, If you would read my riddle! FAME'S PENNY-TRUMPET. [Affectionately dedicated to all "original researchers" who pant for "endowment."] Blow, blow your trumpets till they crack, Ye little men of little souls! And bid them huddle at your back-- Gold-sucking leeches, shoals on shoals! Fill all the air with hungry wails-- "Reward us, ere we think or write! Without your Gold mere Knowledge fails To sate the swinish appetite!" And, where great Plato paced serene, Or Newton paused with wistful eye, Rush to the chace with hoofs unclean And Babel-clamour of the sty! Be yours the pay: be theirs the praise: We will not rob them of their due, Nor vex the ghosts of other days By naming them along with you. They sought and found undying fame: They toiled not for reward nor thanks: Their cheeks are hot with honest shame For you, the modern mountebanks! Who preach of Justice--plead with tears That Love and Mercy should abound-- While marking with complacent ears The moaning of some tortured hound: Who prate of Wisdom--nay, forbear, Lest Wisdom turn on you in wrath, Trampling, with heel that will not spare, The vermin that beset her path! Go, throng each other's drawing-rooms, Ye idols of a petty clique: Strut your brief hour in borrowed plumes, And make your penny-trumpets squeak: [Illustration: "GO, THRONG EACH OTHER'S DRAWING-ROOMS"] Deck your dull talk with pilfered shreds Of learning from a nobler time, And oil each other's little heads With mutual Flattery's golden slime: And when the topmost height ye gain, And stand in Glory's ether clear, And grasp the prize of all your pain-- So many hundred pounds a year-- Then let Fame's banner be unfurled! Sing Pæans for a victory won! Ye tapers, that would light the world, And cast a shadow on the Sun-- Who still shall pour His rays sublime, One crystal flood, from East to West, When ye have burned your little time And feebly flickered into rest! THE END. [TURN OVER. WORKS BY LEWIS CARROLL. ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND. With Forty-two Illustrations by TENNIEL. Crown 8vo, cloth, gilt edges, price 6_s._ Seventy-first Thousand. TRANSLATIONS OF THE SAME--into French, by HENRI BUÉ--into German, by ANTONIE ZIMMERMANN--and into Italian, by T. PIETROCÒLA ROSSETTI--with TENNIEL'S Illustrations. Crown 8vo, cloth, gilt edges, price 6_s._ each. THROUGH THE LOOKING-GLASS, AND WHAT ALICE FOUND THERE. With Fifty Illustrations by TENNIEL. Crown 8vo, cloth, gilt edges, price 6_s._ Fifty-second Thousand. RHYME? AND REASON? With Sixty-five Illustrations by ARTHUR B. FROST, and Nine by HENRY HOLIDAY. (This book is a reprint, with a few additions, of the comic portion of "Phantasmagoria and other Poems," and of "The Hunting of the Snark." Mr. Frost's pictures are new.) Crown 8vo, cloth, coloured edges, price 7_s._ N.B. In selling the above-mentioned books to the Trade, Messrs. Macmillan and Co. will abate 2_d._ in the shilling (no odd copies), and allow 5 per cent. discount for payment within six months, and 10 per cent. for cash. In selling them to the Public (for cash only) they will allow 10 per cent. discount. MR. LEWIS CARROLL, having been requested to allow "AN EASTER GREETING" (a leaflet, addressed to children, and frequently given with his books) to be sold separately, has arranged with Messrs. HARRISON, of 59, Pall Mall, who will supply a single copy for 1_d._, or 12 for 9_d._, or 100 for 5_s._ MACMILLAN & CO., LONDON. LONDON: R. CLAY, SONS, AND TAYLOR, PRINTERS. Transcriber's Notes: Passages in italics are indicated by _italics_. Superscripted characters are indicated by {superscript}.