Batavia, or, The Hollander displayed in brief characters & observations of the people & country, the government of their state & private families, their virtues and vices : also, A perfect description of the people & country of Scotland. Brief character of the Low-Countries under the states Felltham, Owen, 1602?-1668. 1672 Approx. 69 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 47 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-01 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A41077 Wing F647 ESTC R13602 11834566 ocm 11834566 49755 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A41077) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 49755) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 28:29) Batavia, or, The Hollander displayed in brief characters & observations of the people & country, the government of their state & private families, their virtues and vices : also, A perfect description of the people & country of Scotland. Brief character of the Low-Countries under the states Felltham, Owen, 1602?-1668. Weldon, Anthony, Sir, d. 1649? Perfect description of the people and countrey of Scotland. [4], 89 p. Printed for G. Widdowes ..., London : 1672. Attributed to Owen Felltham. Cf. BM. "A perfect description of the people and countrey of Scotland" is a satire written by Sir Anthony Weldon (p. [71]-89) and has special t.p. with imprint: London : Printed for Rich. Lownds, 1670. The first authorized ed. of "Batavia", published in 1652 with title "A brief character of the Low-Countries under the states" was preceded by a pirated ed. of 1648, "Three moneths observations of the Low Countries, especially Holland", reprinted in 1652 as "A true and exact character of the Low Countreyes, especially Holland"; an ed. of 1699 has title "A trip to Holland." Reproduction of original in Harvard University Libraries. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Netherlands -- Description and travel. Netherlands -- Social conditions -- Early works to 1800. 2002-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2002-02 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2002-03 TCP Staff (Michigan) Sampled and proofread 2002-03 Mona Logarbo Text and markup reviewed and edited 2002-04 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion BATAVIA : OR THE Hollander displayed : IN BRIEF Characters & Observations Of the PEOPLE & COUNTRY , THE GOVERNMENT OF THEIR ●TATE & Private FAMILIES , THEIR VIRTUES and VICES . ALSO , A PERFECT DESCRIPTION Of the PEOPLE & COUNTRY OF SCOTLAND . LONDON , ●rinted for G. Widdowes , at the Green-Dragon in St. Paul's Church-yard , 1672. TO THE READER . AS I live Gentlemen , I am amaz'd how any Piece could be made such minc't meat as this hath been by a twice-printed Copy , which I find flying abroad to abuse the Author , who long since travelling for Companies-sake , with a Friend into the Low-Countreys , would needs for his own Recreation , write this Essay of them , as he then found them : I am sure as far from ever thinking to have it publick , as he was from any private spleen to the Nation , or any person in it ; for I have moved him often to Print it , but could never get his consent , his modesty ever esteeming it among his Puerilia , and ( as he said ) a piece too light for a Prudential man to publish : th truth is , it was meerly occasional in his youth , and the time so little , that he had for observation ( his stay there not being above three weeks ) that it could not well be expected , he should say more , and though the former part be joculary and sportive , yet the seriousness of the latter part renders the Character no way injurious to the people . And now finding some ruffled Feathers only presented for the whole Bird , and having a perfect Copy by me , I have presumed to trespass so much upon the Author as to give it you ( in vindication of him ) so as I am confilent it was dressed by his own Pen. And after I have begged his Pardon for exposing it without his Warrant , I shall leave you to judg by comparing this and the former Impressions , whether or no he hath not been abused sufficiently . Three Weeks OBSERVATIONS of the Low Countreys ; Especially HOLLAND . THey are a general Sea-Land . The great Bog of Europe . There is not such another Marsh in the world that 's flat . They are an universal Quag-mire Epitomiz'd . A Green Cheese in pickle . There is in them an AEquilibrium of mud and water . A strong Earthquake would shake them to a Chaos , from which the successive force of the Sun , rather then Creation , hath a little emended them . They are the Ingredients of a black Pudding , and want only stirring together . Marry 't is best making on 't in a dry Summer , else you will have more blood then grist ; and then have you no way to make it serve for any thing , but to tread it under Zona Torrida , and so dry it for Turfs . Sayes one , it affords the people one commodity beyond all the other Regions ; if they die in perdition , they are so low , that they have a shorter cut to Hell then the rest of their Neighbours . And for this cause , perhaps all strange Religions throng thither , as naturally inclining towards their ( enter . Besides , their Riches shews them to be Pluto's Region , and you all know what part that was which the Poets did of old assign him . Here is Seyx , Acheron , Cecytus , and the rest of those muddy streams that have made matter for the Fablers . Almost every one is a Charon here , and if you have but a Naulum to give , you cannot want or Boat or Pilot. To confirm all , let but some of our Separatists be asked , and they shall swear that the Elizian Fields are there . It is an excellent Countrey for a despairing Lover : for every corner affords him Willow to make a Garland on ; but if Justice doom him to be hang'd on any other Tree , he may in spight of the sentence live long and confident . If he had rather quench his spirits than suffocate them , so rather chuse to feed Lob●●ers then Crows ; 't is but leaping from his window , and he lights in a River or Sea ; for most of their dwellings stand like Privies in moted-houses , hanging still over the water . If none of these cure him , keep him but a Winter in a house without a Stove , and that shall cool him . The oile is all fat , though wanting the colour to shew it so ; for indeed it is the buttock of the World , full of veins and blood , but no bones in 't . Had St. Steven been condemn'd to suffer here , he might have been alive at this day ; for unless it be in their paved Cities , gold is a great deal more plentiful then stones , except it be living ones ; and then for their heaviness you may take in almost all the Nation . 'T is a singular place to fat Monkeys in . There are Spiders as big as Shrimps , and I think as many . Their Gardens being moist , abound with these . No creatures ; fo● sure they were bred , not made . Were they but as venemous as rank , to gather herbs were to hazard Martyrdom . They are so large , that you would almost believe the Hesperides were here , and these the Dragons that did guard them . You may travel the Countrey though you have not a guide : for you cannot baulk your road without the hazard of drowning . There is not there any use of an Harbinger . Wheresoever men go the way is made before them . Had they Cities large as their walls , Rome would be esteemed a bable . 20 miles in length is nothing for a Waggon to be hurried on one of them , where if your fore-man be sober , you may travel in safety , otherwise you must have stronger faith then Peter had , else you sink immediately . A starting horse endangers you to two deathe at once , breaking of your neck , and drowning . If your way be not thus , it hangs in the water , and at the approach of your Waggon shall shake as if it were Ague strucken . Duke d' Alva's taxing of the tenth penny frighted it into a Palsey , which all the Mountebancks they have bred since could never tell how to cure . 'T is indeed but a bridge of swimming earth , or a flag somewhat thicker then ordinary , if the strings crack your course is shortned , you can neither hope for Heaven nor fear Hell , you shall be sure to stick fast between them . Marry if your Faith flow Purgatory height , you may pray if you will for that to clense you from the Mud shall soil you . 'T is a green sod in water , where if the German Eagle dares to bath himself , he 's glad again to pearch that he may dry his wings . Some things they do that seem Wonders . 'T is ordinary to see them fish for fire in water , which they catch in Nets and transport to land in their boats , where they spread it more smoothly then a Mercer doth his Velvet when he would hook in an heir upon his coming to age . Thus lying in a field , you would think you saw a Cantle of green Cheese spread over with black butter . If AEtna be Hells mouth or fore-gate , sure here 's found the Postern . 'T is the Port-Esquiline of the world , where the whole earth doth vent her crude blackgore , which the Inhabitants scrape away for fuel , as men with spoon 〈◊〉 excrements-from Civit-Cats . Their ordinary Pack-horses are all of wood , carry their bridles in their tails , and their burdens in their bellies . A strong Tide and a stiff Gale are the spurs that make them speedy . When they travel they touch no ground , and when they stand still they ride ; and are never in danger but when they drink up too much of their way . There is a Province among them , where every woman carries a Cony in a Lambskin . 'T is a custom , and not one that travels ever leaves it behind her . Now guess if you can what beast that is , which is clad in a fur both of hair and wool . They dress their meat in Aqua Coelesti , for it springs not as ours from the earth , but comes to them as Mann● to the Israelites , falling from Heaven . This they keep under ground till it stinks , and then they pump it out again for use . So when you wash your hands with one hand , you had need hold your nose with the other ; for though it be not Cordial , 't is certainly a strong water The Elem●nts are here at variance , the subtile overswaying the grosser . The fire consumes the earth , and the air the water . They burn Turffs , and drain their grounds with Wind-mills : As if the Cholick were a remedy for the Stone ; and they would prove against Philosophy the Worlds Conflagration to be natural , even shewing thereby that the very Element of earth is combustible . The Land that they 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 keep as neatly as 〈…〉 his Beard . They ha 〈…〉 Mowing . 'T is so 〈…〉 water and Rivers , 〈…〉 t it is impossible to make a 〈…〉 ommon among them . Even the 〈…〉 ists are here at a stand , only they hold their pride in wrangling for that which they never will find . Our Justices would be much at ease although our English Poor were still among them : For whatsoever they do , they can break no hedges . Sure had the wise men of Gotham lived here , they would have studied some other death for their Cuckow . Their Ditches they frame as they list , and distinguish them into nooks , as my Lord Majors Cook doth his Custards . Clense them they do often : but 't is as Physicians ●●ve their potions , more to catch 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 then cast the Mud out . 〈…〉 Country be part of a 〈…〉 every house almost 〈…〉 and. And that though 〈…〉 it , looks as smug as a Lady 〈…〉 newly lockt up her colours 〈…〉 by her Irons . A gallant masquing suit sits not more compleat , then a coat of thatch though many years wearing . If it stand dry 't is embraced by Vines , as if it were against the nature of a Dutch man not to have Bacchus his neighbour . If you find it lower-seated , 't is only a close Arbor in a plump of Willows and Alders , pleasant enough while the dog-days last ; but those past once , you must practice wading , or be prisoner till the next Spring . Only a hard frost with the help of a Sledge , may release you . The Bridg to this is an out landish Planck with a box of stones to poiz it withal , which with the least help turns round like the executioner when he whips off a head . That when the Master is over●ands drawn , and then he 〈…〉 in his Castle . 'T is sure his 〈…〉 hat renders him suspicious . That he may therefore certainly see who enters , you shall ever find his window made over his door . But it may be , that is to shew you his Pedigree , for though his Ancestors were never known , their Arms are there ; which ( in spight of Heraldry ) shall bear their Atchievment with a Helmet for a Baron at least Marry the Field perhaps shall be charged with three baskets , to shew what trade his father was . Escutcheons are as plentiful as Gentry is scarce . Every man there is his own Herald ; and he that has but wit enough to invent a Coat , may challenge it as his own . When you are entred the house , the first thing you encounter is a Looking gla●● No question but a true Emb 〈…〉 politick hospitality ; for though it reflect your self in your own figure 't is yet no longer then while you are there before it . When you are gone once it flatters the next comer , without the least remembrance that you e're were there . The next are the vessels of the house marshalled about the room like Watchmen . All as neat as if you werein a Citizens Wives Cabinet ; for unless it be themselves , they let none of Gods creatures lose any thing of their native beauty . Their houses , especially in their Cities , are the best eye-beauties of their Countrey . For cost and sight they far exceed our English , but they want their magnificence . Their lining is yet more rich then their outside , not in hangings but pictures , which ev 〈…〉 he poorest are there furnisht with . Not a Cobler but has his toys for ornament . Were the knacks of all their houses set together , there would not be such another Bartholomew Fair in Europe . Their Artists for these are as rare as thought , for they can paint you a fat hen in her feathers ; and if you want the language , you may learn a great deal of Dutch by their signs ; for what they are , they ever write under them . So by this device hang up more honesty then they keep . Coaches are as rare as Comets ; and those that live loosely need not fear one punishment which often vexes such with us : They may be sure , though they be discovered , they shall not be carted . All their Merchandise they draw through the streets on Sledges ; or as we on Hurdles do traitors to execution . Their rooms are but several land-boxes : if so , you must either go out to spit , or blush when you see the Map brought . Their beds are no other then land-cabins , high enough to need a ladder or stairs . Up once , you are walled in with Wainscot , and that is good discretion to avoid the trouble of making your will every night ; for once falling out else would break your neck perfectly . But if you die in it , this comfort you shall leave your friends , that you di'd in clean linnen . Whatsoever their estates be , their houses must be fair . Therefore from Amsterdam they have banisht Sea-cole , lest it soil their buildings , of which the statelier sort are somtimes sententious , and in the front carry some conceit of the Owner , As to give you a taste in these . Christus Adjutor meus ; Hoc abdicato Perenne Quero ; Hic Medio tuitus Itur . Every door seems studded with Diamonds . The nails and hinges hold a constant brightness , as if rust there were not a quality incident to Iron . Their houses they keep cleaner then their bodies , their bodies then their souls . Go to one , you shall find the Andirons shut up in net-work . At a second , the Warming pan muffled in Italian Cut-work . At a third the Sconce clad in Cambrick . And like a Crown advanced in the middle of the house , for the woman there is the head of the husband , so takes the horn to her own charge , which she sometimes multiplies , and bestows the increase on her man. 'T is true , they are not so ready at this play as the English ; for neither are they so generally bred to 't , nor are their men such linnen-lifters . Idleness and Courtship has not banisht honesty . They speak more , and do less ; yet doth their blood boil high , and their veins are full , which argues strongly that when they will they may take up the custom of entertaining strangers . And having once done it , I believe they will be notable ; for I have heard they trade more for love then money , but 't is of the sport not the man , and therefore when they like the pastim they will reward the Gamester ; otherwise their gross feed and clownish breeding hath spoiled them from being nobly minded . And if you once in publick discover her private favours or pretend to more then is civil , she falls off like Fairy wealth disclosed , and turns like Beer with Lightening to a sowerness , which neither Art nor Labour can ever make sweet again . But this I must give you on report onely ; Experience herein hath neither made me Fool nor Wise. The People are generally Boorish , yet none but may be bred to a States-man , they having all this gift , Not to be so nice-conscienced , but that they can turn out Religion to let in Policy . Their Countrey is the God they worship . War is their Heaven , Peace is their Hell , and the Spaniard is the Devil they hate . Custom is their Law , and their Will Reason . You may sooner convert a Iew , than make an ordinary Dutch man yield to arguments that cross him . An old Baud is easilier turned Puritan , than a Waggoner persuaded not to bait thrice in 9 miles . And when he doth , his horses must not stir , but have their Manger brought them into the way , where in a top-sweat they eat their grass , and drink their water , and presently after hurry away . For they ever drive as if they were all the sons of Nimshi , and were furiously either pursuing an enemy , or flying him . His spirits are generated from the English Beer , and that makes him headstrong . His body is built of pickled Herring , and they render him testy : these with a little Butter , Onions , and Holland Cheese , are the Ingredients of an ordinary Dutch man ; which a Voyage to the East-Indies , with the heat of the Equinoctial Consolidates . If you see him fat , he hath been rooting in a Cabbage-ground and that bladdered him . Viewing him naked , you will pray him to pull off his Masque and Gloves , or wish him to hide his face that he may appear more lovely . For that and his hands are Egypt , however his body ●e Europe . He hath exposed them so much to the Sun and water , as he is now his own disguise , and without a vizard , may serve in any Antimasque you put him in . For their condition they are churlish as their breeder Neptune : and without doubt very ancient ; for they were bred before manners were in fashion . Yet all they have not they account superfluity , which they say mendeth some , and marreth many . They should make good Justices , for they respect neither petsons nor apparel . A boor in his liquord slop , shall have as much good use as a Courtier in his bravery : Nay more , for he that is but Courtly or Gentile , is among them like a Merlyn after Michaelmasi in the field with Crowes . They wonder at and envy , but worship no such Images . Marry with a Silver hook you shall catch these Gudgeons presently . The love of gain being to them as natural as water to a Goose , or Carrion to any Kite that flies . They are seldom deceived ; for they trust no body ; so by consequence are better to hold a fort then win it ; yet they can do both . Trust them you must if you travel . For to ask a Bill of particulars , is to purre in a Wasps nest ; you must pay what they ask , as sure as if it were the Assesment of a Subsidy . Complement is an idleness they were never trained up in , and 't is their happiness that Court-vanities have not stole away their minds from business . Their being Sailors and Souldiers have marred two parts already , if they bath once in Court oyle they are painted Trap-doors And shall then let the Jews build a City where Harlem Mere is , and after cozen 'em on 't . They shall abuse a stranger for nothing , and after a few base terms scotch one another to a Carbonado , or as they do their Roaches when they fry them . Nothing can quiet them but money and liberty , yet when they have them they abuse both ; but if you tell them so you awake their fury ; and you may sooner calm the sea , then conjure that into compass again . Their anger hath no eyes ; and their judgment doth not flow so much from reason as passion and partiality . They are in a manner all Aquatiles , and therefore the Spaniard calls them water-dogs . To this , though you need not condiscend ; yet withal , you may think they can catch you a duck as soon . Sea Gulls do not swim more readily : nor More-hens from then nest run sooner to the water . Every thing is so made to swim among them , as it is a question if Elizeus his Axe were now floating there , it would be taken for a miracle . They love none but those that do for them ; and when they leave off , they neglect him . They have no friends but their kindred , which at every wedding feast among themselves like Tribes . All that help them not they hold popish ; and take it for an argument of much honesty , to rail bitterly against the King of Spain . And certainly , this is the badge of an ill Nature , when they have once cast off the yoke , to be most virulent against those to whom of right they owe respect and service . Grateful dispositions , though by their Lords they be exempt from service , will yet be paying reverence and affection . I am confident , that had they not been once the Subjects of Spain , they would have loved the Nation better . But now out of dying Duties ashes all the Blazes of hostility and flame . And 't is sufficient ground to contemn their eternal hate , to know the world remembers , they were once the lawful subjects of that most Catholick Crown . Their shipping is the Babel which they boast on for the glory of their Nation . 'T is indeed a wonder , and they will have it so . But we may well hope they will never be so mighty by Land , left they shew us how doggedly they can insult where they get the mastery . 'T is their own Chronicle business , which can tell you that at the siege of Leyden , a Fort being held by the Spanish , by the Dutch was after taken by assault . The Defendants were put to the sword , where one of the Dutch in the fury of the slaughter , ript up the Captain 's body , and with a barbarous hand tore out the yet-lving heart panting among the reeking bowels , then then with his teeth rent it still warm with blood into gobbets , which he spitted over the Battelments in defiance to the rest of the Army . Oh Tigres breed ! The Seythian Bear could never have been more savage To be necessitated into cruelty , is a misfortune to the strongly tempted to it ; but to let spleen rave , and mad it in resistless blood , shews nature steep'd i' th' livid gall of passion ; and beyond all bruitishness displays the unnoble Tyranny of a prevailing Coward . Their Navies are the whip of Spain , or the Arm wherewith they pull away his Indies . Nature hath not bred them so active for the land as some others : But at Sea they are water devils , to attempt things incredible . In Fleets they can fight close , and rather hazard all then save some , while others perish : but single , they will flag and fear like birds in a bush , when the Sparrow-Hawks bells are heard . A Turkish Man of War is as dreadful to them as a Falcon to a Mallard ; from whom their best remedy is to steal away . But if they come to blows , they want the valiant stoutness of the English , who will rather expire bravely in a bold resistance , then yield to the lasting slavery of becoming captives to so barbarous an enemy . And this shews , they have not learned yet even Pagan Philosophy , which ever preferred an honourable death before a life thralled to perpetual slavery . Their ships lie like high Woods in Winter : and if you view them on the north-side you frieze without hope , for they ride so thick , that you can through them see no Sun to warm you with . Sailers among them are as common as beggars with us . They can drink , rail , swear , niggle , steal , and be lowsie alike ; but examining their use , a mess of their Knaves are worth a million of ours : for they in a boisterous rudeness can work , and live , and toil , whereas ours will rather laze themselves to poverty , and like Cabages left out in winter , rot away in the lothsomeness of a nauseous sloth . Almost all among them are Seamen born , and like frogs can live both on land and water . Not a Countrey-Uriester but can handle an oar , steer a boat , raise a mast , and bear you out in the roughest straits you come in . The ship she avouches much better for sleep then a bed . Being full of humors , that is her cradle , which lulls and and rocks her to a dull phlegmatickness , most of them looking like a full grown Oyster boil'd . Slime , humid air , water , and wet dier , have so bag'd their cheeks , that some would take their paunches to be gotten above their chin . The Countreys Government is a Democracy , and there had need be many to rule such a rabble of rude ones . Tell them of a King , and they could cut your throat in earnest . The very name carries servitude in it , and they hate it more then a Jew doth Images , a Woman old age , or a Non-conformist a Surplice . None among them hath Authority by inheritance , that were the way in time to parcel out their Countrey to Families . They are chosen all as our Kings chuse Sheriffs for the Counties : not for their sin of Wit , but for the Wealth they have to bear it out withal ; which they so over affect , that Myn Here shall walk the Streets as Usurers go to Bawdy-houses , all alone and melancholy . And if they may be had cheap , he will daub his faced cloke with two penniworth of pickled Herrings which himself shall carry home in a string . A common voice hath given him preeminence , and he loses it by living as he did when he was but a Boor. But if you pardon what is past , they are about thinking it time to learn more civility . Their justice is strict , if it cross not policy : but rather then hinder Traffick tolerates any thing . There is not under Heaven such a Den of several Serpents as Amsterdam is , you may be what devil you will so you push not the State with your horns . 'T is an University of all Religions which grow here confusedly ( like stocks in a Nursery ) without either order or pruning . If you be unsetled in your Religion , you may here try all , and take at last what you like best . If you fancy none , you have a pattern to follow , of two , that would be a Church to themselves . 'T is the Fair of all the Sects , where all the Pedlers of Religion have leave to vent their toys , their Ribands , and phanatick Rattles . And should it be true , it were a cruel brand which Romists stick upon them . For ( say they ) as the Camelion changes into all Colours but white : so they admit of all Religions but the true ; for the Papist only may not exercise his in publick : yet his restraint they plead is not in hatred but justice , because the Spaniard abridges the Protestant . And they had rather shew a little spleen , then not cry quit with their enemy . His act is their Warrant , which they retaliate justly . And for this reason rather then the Dunkirks they take shall not die , Amsterdam having none of their own , shall borrow a Hangman from Harlem . Now albeit the Papists do them wrong herein , yet can it not excuse their boundless Toleration , which shews they place their Republick in a higher esteem then Heaven it self : and had rather cross upon God then it . For whosoever disturbs the civil Government is liable to punishment : But the Decrees of Heaven , and Sanctions of the Deity any one may break uncheck't , by professing what false Religion he please . So Consulary Rome of old , brought all the stragling gods of other Nations to the City , where blinded superstition paid an adoration to them . In their Families they all are equals , and you have no way to know the Master and Mistress , but by taking them in bed together . It may be those are they : Otherwise Maiky can prate as much , laugh as loud , be as bold , and sit as well as her Mistress . Had Logicians lived here first , Father and Son had never passed so long for Relatives . They are here Individuals , for no Demonstrance of Duty or Authority can distinguish them , as if they were created together , and not born successively . And as for your Mother , bidding her good night , and kissing her , is punctual blessing . Your man shall be saucy , and you must not strike ; if you do , he shall complain to the Schont , and perhaps have recompence , 't is a dainty place to please boys in : for your father shal bargain with your Schoolmaster not to whip you : if he doth , he shall revenge it with his knife , and have Law for it . Their apparel is civil enough and good enough , but very uncomly , & has usually more stuffe then shape . Only their Huykes are commodious in winter ; but 't is to be lamented , that they have not wit enough to lay them by when Summer comes . Their women would have good faces if they did not mar them with making . Their Ear-wyers have so nip : in their Cheeks , that you would think some Fairy , to do them a mischief , had pincht them behind with tongs . These they dress , as if they would shew you all their wit lay behind , and they needs would cover it . And thus ordered , they have much more forehead then face . They love the EnglishGentry well ; and when Soldiers come over to be billeted among them , they are emulous in chusing of their guest , who fares much the better for being liked by his Hostess . Men and women are there starched so blew , that if they once grow old , you would verily believe you saw winter walking up to the neck in a barrel of Indigo : And therefore they rail at England for spending no more blowing . Your man among them is else cl● tolerably unless he inclines to the Sea-fashion : and then are his breeches yawning at the knees , as if they were about to swallow his legs unmercifully . They are far the●e from going naked , for of a whole woman you can see but half a face . As for her hand , that shews her a sore Labourer ; which you shall ever find as it were in recompence loaden with Rings to the cracking of her fingers . If you look lower ; she 's a Monkey chain'd about the middle , and had rather want it in diet , then not have silver links to hang her keys in . Their Gowns are fit to hide great bellies , but they make them shew so unhandsom that men do not care for getting them . Marry this you shall find to their commendation , their smocks are ever whiter then their skin . Where the Woman lies in , the Ringle of the door does penance , and is lapped about with linnen ; either to shew you that loud knocking may wake the child , or else that for a month the Ring is not to be run at . But if the child be dead , there is thrust out a Nosegay tied to a sticks end ; perhaps for an emblem of the life of man , which may wither as soon as born ; or else to let you know , that though these fade upon their gathering , yet from the same stock , the next year a new shoot may spring . You may rail at us for often changing ; but I assure you with them is a great deal more following the fashion ; which they will plead for as the ignorant Laity for their faith . They will keep it because their Ancestors lived in it . Thus they will rather keep an old fault though they discover errors in it , then in an easie change to meet a certain remedy . For their diet , they eat much and spend little : When they set out a Fleet to the Indies , it shall live three months on the Offals , which we here fear would surfeit our swine , yet they feed on 't , and are still the same Dutchmen . In their houses Roots and Stock-fish are Staple-commodities . If they make a feast and add flesh , they have Art to keep it hot more days , then a Pigs-head in Py-corner . Salt meats and four Cream they hold him a fool that loves not , only the last they correct with Sugar , and are not half so well pleased with having it sweet at first , as with letting it four , that they may sweeten it again , as if a woman were not half so pleasing being easily won , as after a scolding fit she comes by man to be calmed again . Fish indeed they have brave and plentiful ; and herein practice hath made them Cooks as good as ere Luculbus his latter Kitchin had , which is some recompence for their wilfulness , for you can neither pray nor buy them to alter their own Cookery . To a feast they come readily , but being set once you must have patience . They are longer eating meat then we preparing it . If it be to supper , you conclude timely when you get away by day-break . They drink down the evening . Starre , and drink up the morning Starre . At those times it goes hard with a stranger , all in courtesie will be drinking to him , and all that do so he must pledge : till he doth , the fill'd Cups circle round his Trencher , from whence they are not taken away till emptied . For though they give you day for payment , yet they will not abate the sum . They sit not there as we in England , men together , and women first , but ever intermingled with a man between : and instead of March-panes , and such juncates , 't is good manners if any be there , to carry away a piece of Apple-Py in your pocket . The time they there spend , is in eating well , in drinking much , and prating most . For the truth is , the compleatest drinker in Europe is your English Gallant . There is no such Consumer of liquor as the Quaffing off of his Healths . Time was the Dutch had the better of it ; but of late he hath lost it by prating too long over his pot . He sips , and laughs , and tells his tale , and in a Tavern is more prodigal of his time then his wine . He drinks as if he were short-winded ; and as it were eats his drink by morsels , rather besieging his brains then assaulting them . But the Englishman charges home on the sudden , swallows it whole , and like a hasty tide , fills and flows himself till the mad brain swims , and tosses on the hasty fume . As if his Liver were burning out his stomach , and he striving to quench it , drowns it . So the one is drunk sooner , and the other longer . As if striving to recover the wager , the Dutchman would still be the perfectest soker . In this Progress you have seen some of their Vices , now view a Fairer Object . SOlomon tells of four things that are small and full of Wisdome ; The Pismire , the Grashopper , the Coney , and the Spider . FOr Providence , they are the Pismires of the world : and having nothing but what grass affords them ; are yet for almost all Provisions , the Store-house of the whole of Christendom . What is it which there may not be found in plenty ? They making by their industry all the fruits of the vast Earth their own . What Land can boast a priviledge that they do not partake of ? They have not of their own enough materials to compile one ship ; Yet how many Nations do they furnish ? the remoter angles of the world do by their pains deliver them their sweets : and being of themselves in want , their diligence hath made them both Indies nearer home . They are frugal to the saving of Egg-shels , and maintain it for a Maxime , That a thing lasts longer mended then new . Their Cities are their Mole-hills ; Their Schutes and Flyboats creep and return with their store for Winter : every one is busie and carries his grain ; as if every City were a several Hive , and the Bees not permitting a drone to inhabit ; For idle persons must finde some other mansion . And lest necessity bereave men of means to set them on work , there are publick Banks , that ( without use ) lend upon pawns to all the poor that want . There is a season when the Pismires fly , and so each Summer they likewise swarm abroad with their Armies . The Ant , says one , is a wise creature , but a shrewd thing in a Garden or Orchard . And truly so are they ; For they look upon others too little , and upon themselves too much . And wheresoever they light in a pleasant or rich soyl , like suckers and lower plants , they rob from the root of that tree which gives them shade and protection , so their wisdom is not indeed Heroick or Numnial ; as Courting an Universal Good ; But rather narrow and restrictive ; As being a wisdom but for themselves , Which to speak plainly , is descending into Craft ; and is but the sinister part of that which is really Noble and Coelestiall . Nay in all they hold so true a proportion with the Emmet , as yon shall not find they want so much as the sting . For dwelling in Rocks they are Conies . And while the Spanish tumbler plays about them , they rest secure in their own inaccessible berries . Where have you under heaven , such impregnable Fortifications ? Where are beautifies nature , and nature makes art invincible : Here in indeed they differ : The Conies find Rocks , and they make them . And as they would invert the miracle of Moses , They raise them in the bosom of the waves , where within these twenty years , ships furrowed in the pathless Ocean , the peaceful plough now unbowels the fertile earth , which at night is carried home to the fairest Mansions in Holland . Every Town hath his Garrison ; and the Keys of the Gates in the night-time are not trusted but in the State-house . From these holds they bolt abroad for provisions , and then return to their fastnesses replenished . For war they are Grashoppers , and without a King go forth in bands to conquer Kings . They have not only defended themselves at their own home , but have braved the Spaniard at his . In Anno 1599. under the command of Vander Does , was the Grand Canary taken . The chief City sackt ; the King of Spain's Ensigns taken down , and the colours of his Excellency set up in their room . In the year 1600 the battel of Nieuport was a gallant piece , when with the loss of a thousand or little more , they slew 7000 of their enemies , took above 100 Ensigns , the Admiral of Arragon a prisoner . The very furniture of the Arch Duke 's own Chamber and Cabinet , yea , the signet that belonged to his hand . In 1607. they assailed the Armado of Spain in the Bay of Gibraltar , under covert of the Castle and Towns Ordnance , and with the loss of 150 , slew above 2000 , and ruined the whole Fleet. Certainly a bolder attempt hath ever scarce been done . The Indian Mastiff never was more fierce against the angry Lion. Nor can the Cock in his crowing valour , becom more prodigal of his blood then they . There hardly is upon earth such a school of Martial Discipline . 'T is the Christian worlds Academy for Arms , whither all the Neighbour-Nations resort to be instructed ; where they may observe how unresistible a blow many small grains of powder will make , being heaped together , which yet if you separate , can do nothing but sparkle and die . Their recreation is the practice of Arms ; and they learn to be souldiers sooner then men . Nay , as if they placed a Religion in Arms , every Sunday is concluded with the train'd-bands marching through their Cities . For industry , they are Spiders , and are in the Palaces of Kings . Of old they were the guard of the person of the Roman Emperor ; And by the Romans themselves declared to be their friends and companions . There is none have the like intelligence ; Their Merchants are at this day the greatest of the Universe . What Nation is it where they have not insinuated ? Nay , which they have not almost anatomized , and even discovered the very intrinsick veins on 't ? Even among us , they shame us with their industry , which makes them seem as if they had a faculty from the worlds Creation , out of water to make dry land appear . They win our drowned grounds which we cannot recover , and chase back Neptune to his own old Banks . All that they do is by such labour as it seems extracted out of their own bowels . And in their wary thrist , they hang by such a slender sustentation of life , that one would think their own weight should be enough to crack it . Want of Idleness keeps them from want . And t is their diligence makes them Rich. A fruitful Soil encreaseth the Harvest . A plentiful Sunne augmenteth the Store ; and seasonable showres drop fatness on the Crop we reap . But no Rain fructifies more then the dew of Sweat. You would think being with them you were in old Israel , for you find not a beggar among them . Nor are they mindful of their own alone ; but strangers also partake of their care and bounty . If they will depart , they have money for their Convoy . If they stay , they have work provided . If unable , they find an Hospital . Their Providence extends even from the Prince to the catching of flies . And left you lose an afternoon by fruitless mourning , by two of the Clock all Burials must end . Wherein to prevent the wast of ground , they pile Coffin upon Coffin til the Sepulchre be full . In all their Manufactures they hold a truth and constancy , for they are as fruits from Trees , the same every year that they are at first ; Not Apples one year and Crabs the next ; and so for ever after . In the sale of these they also are at a word , they will gain rather then exact , and have not that way wherby our Citizens abuse the wise and cozen the ignorant ; and by their infinite over-asking for commodities proclaim to the world that they would cheat all if it were in their power . The Depravation of Manners they punish with contempt , but the defects of Nature they favor with charity . Even their Bedlam is a place so curious , that a Lord might live in it ; Their Hospital might lodge a Lady : So that safely you may conclude amongst them even Poverty and Madness do both inhabit handsomly . And though Vice makes every thing turn fordid , yet the State will have the very correction of it to be neat , as if they would shew , that though odedience fail , yet Government must be still it self and decent . To prove this , they that do but view their Bridewel , will think it may receive a Gentleman though a Gallant . And so their prison a wealthy Citizen . But for a poor man , 't is his best policy to be laid there , for he that cast him in must maintain him . Tht is Language though it differ from the higher Germany , yet hath it the same ground , and is a sold as Babel . And albeit harsh , yet so losty and full a tongue as made Goropius Becanus maintain it for the speech of Adam in his Paradise . And surely if there were not other reasons against it , the significan cyof the Ancient Teutonick might carry it from the primest Dialect . Stevin of Bruges reckons up 2170 Monosyllables , which being compounded , how richly do they grace a Tongue ? A Tongue that for the general profession is extended further then any that I know . Through both the Germanis , Denmark , Norway , Sweden , and sometimes France , England Spain . And still among us all our words are Dutch , with yet so little change , that certainly it is in a manner the same that it was 2000 years ago , without the too much mingled borrowings of their neighbor Nations . The Germans are a people that more then all the world I think may boast sincerity , as being for fom thousands of years a pure and unmixed people . And surely I see not but their conduction by Tuisco from the building of Babel may pass as unconfuted Story , they yet retaining the Appellation from his Name . They are a large and numerous people , having ever kept their own , and transported Colonies into other Nations . In Italy were the Longobards ; In Spain the Gothes and Vandalls ; In France the Franks or Franconians ; In England the Saxons : having in all these left reverend Steps of their Antiquity and Language . It is a noble Testimony that so grave an Historian as Tacitus hath left still extant of them , and written above fifteen hundred years ago : Deliberant dum fingere nesciunt : Constituunt dum errare non possant . They deliberate when they cannot dissemble : and resolve when they cannot erre . Two hundred and ten years the Romans were in conquering them . In which space on either side were the losses sad and fatal . So as neither the Samnites , the Carthaginians , the Spaniards , the Gauls , no nor the Parthians ever troubled them like the Germans . They slew and took prisoners several Com. manders of the highest rank , as Carbo , Cassius , S. Caurus Aurelius Cervilius Cepio , and M. Manlius ' They defeated five Consulary Armies , and Varus with three legions , yet after all this he concludes , Triumphati magis guam victi sunt . They were rather triumphed over then conquered . To confirm this , the keeping of their own language is an argument unanswerable . The change where of ever follows upon the fully vanqnished , as we may see it did in Italy , France , Spain , England . And this he speaks of the Nation in general : nor was the opinion of the Romans less worthy in particular concerning these lower Provinces , which made them for their valor and warlike minds stile them by the name of Gallie Belgica , and especially of the Batavians , which were the Hollanders and part of Guelders . You may hear in what honourable terms he mentions them , where speaking of the several people of Germany , he says , Omnium harum Gentium virtute praecipui Batavi : Nam nec tribucis contemnuntur , reepublicanus atterit : exempti oneribu & Collationibus , & tantum in usum praeliorum siposit , velut tela atque Arma Bellisreservantes , Of all these Nations the prineipal in valiant vertue are the Batavians ; for neither are they become despleable by paying of tribute , nor oppressed too much by the Farmor of publick Revenues , but free from taxes and contributions of servility ; they are specially set apart for the fight , as Armor and Weapons only reserved for War. All this even at this day they seem to make good . For of all the world they are the people that thrive and grow rich by the war , like the Porepisce , that plays in the storm , but at other times keeps sober under the water . War which is the worlds ruine , and ravins upon the beauty of all , is to them prosperity and ditation . And surely the reason of this is their strength in shipping , the open Sea , their many sortified Towns and the Country by reason of its lowness and plentifull irriguation becoming unpassable for an army when the winter but approaches . Otherwise it is hardly possible that so small a parcell of Mankind , should brave the most potent Monarch of Christendom , who in his own hands holds the Mines of the wars sinews Money , and hath now got a command so wide , that out of his Dominions the Sun can neither rise nor set . The whole seventeen Provinces are not above a thousand English miles in circuit . And in the States hands there is not 7 of those . Yet have they in the field sometimes 60000 Souldiers , besides those which they always keep in Garrison , which cannot be but a considerable number neer thirty thousand more . There being in the whole Countries above two hundred wall'd Towns and Cities . So that if they have people for the War , one would wonder where they should get mony to pay them ; They being , when they have an army in the field , at a thousand pound a day charge extraordinary . To maintain this , their Excise is an unwasted Mine , which with the Infiniteness of their Traffick , and their untired industry , is by every part of the World in something or other contributed to . The Sea yields them by two sorts of Fish only , Herrings and Cod , sixty thousand pound per annum ; for which they go out sometimes seven or eight hundred boats at once , and for greater ships , they are able to set out double the number . Their Merchandise amounted in Guiceiardinis time to fourteen millions per annum . Whereas England , which is in compass almost as large again , and hath the Ocean as a Ring about her , made not above six millions yearly ; so sedulous are these Bees to labour and enrich their Hive . As they on the Sea , so the women are busie on land in weaving of Nets , and helping to adde to the heap . And though a husbands long absence might tempt them to lascivious ways ; yet they hate adultery , and are resolute in Matrimonial chastity . I do not remember that ever I read in Story , of any great Lady of that nation , that hath bin taxt with loosness . And questionless 't is their ever being busie , makes them have no leisure for lust 'T is idleness that is Cupids Nurse ; but business breaks his Bow , and makes his arrows useless . They are both Merchants and Farmers . And there act parts , which men can but discharge with us . As if they would shew that the Soul in all is masculine , and not varied into weaker sex as are the bodies that they wear about them . Whether this be from the nature of their Country , in which if they be not laborious they cannot live ; or from an Innate Genius of people by a Superiour Providence adapted to them of such a situation ; from their own inclination addicted to parsimony ; from custome in their way of breeding ; from any Transcendency of active parts more than other Nations ; or from being in their Country , like people in a City besieged , whereby their own vertues do more compact and fortifie ; I will not determine . But certainly in general they are the most painful and diligent people on earth : And of all other the most truly of Vespasians opinion , to think , that Ex re qualibet bonus odor lucri ; Be it raised from what it will , the smell of gain is pleasant . Yet they are in some sort Gods , for they set bounds to the Sea : and when they list let it pass them . Even their dwellings is a miracle . They live lower then the fishes . In the very lap of the floods , and incircled in their watry arms . They are the Israelites passing through the Red Sea. The waters wall in them , and if they set ope their sluces shall drown up their enemies . They have strugled long with Spains Pharaoh , and they have at length inforced him to let them go . They are a Gideons Army upon the march again . They are the Indian Rat , gnawing the bowels of the Spanish Crocodile , to which they got when he gap'd to swallow them . They are a serpent wreathed about the legs of that Elephant . They are the little sword-fish pricking the belly of the Whale . They are the wane of that Empire , which increas'd in Isabella , and in Charles the fifth was at full . They are a glass wherein Kings may see that though they be Soveraigns over lives and goods , yet when they usurp upon Gods part , and will be Kings over conscience too , they are sometimes punisht with losse of that which lawfully is their own . That Religion too fiercely urg'd is to stretch a string till it not onely jars , but cracks ; & in the breaking , whips ( perhaps ) the streiners eye out . That an extreme taxation is to take away the hony while the Bees keep the Hive , whereas he that would Inke that , should first either burn them , or drive them out . That Tyrants in their Government are he greatest Traitors to their own States . That a desire of being too absolute is to walk upon Pinacles and the tops of Pyramides , where not only the footing is ful of hazard , but even the sharpness of that they tread on may run into their foot and wound them That too much to regrate on the patience of but tickle Subjects , is to press a thom till it prick your finger . That nothing makes a more desperate Rebell than a Prerogative inforced too far . That liberty in man is as the skin to the body , not to be put off , but together with life . That they which will command more than they ought , shall not at last command so much as is fit . That moderate Princes sit faster in their Regalities , than such as being but men , would yet have their power over their Subjects , as the Gods unlimited . That oppression is an iron heat till it burns the hand . That to debar some States of antient Priviledges , is for a Falcon to undertake to beat a flock of Wild-geese out of the Fens . That to go about to compell a sullen reason to submit to a wilfull peremptoriness , is so long to beat a chain'd mastiffinto his kennell , till at last he turns and flies at your throat . That unjust policy is to shoot as they did at Ostend , into the mouth of a charged Canon , to have two Bullets returned for one . That he doth but indanger himself , that riding with too weak a Bit , provokes a head-strong horse with a spur . That t is safer to meet a valiant man weaponless , then almost a coward in Armor . That even a weak cause with a strong Castle , wili boil salt blood to a rebellious Itch. That 't is better keeping a Crazy body in an equal temper , than to anger humors by too sharp a Physick . That Admonitions from a dying man are too serious to be neglected . That there is nothing certain that is not impossible . That a Cobler of Vlushing was one of the greatest enemies that the King of Spain ever had . To conclude , the Country it self is a Moted Castle , keeping a Garnish of the richest Jewels of the world in 't ; The Queen of Bohemia and her Princely Children . The people in it are Jews of the New Testament that have exchanged nothing but the Law for the Gospel ; and this they rather prosess then practice . Together a Man of War riding at Anchor in the Downs of Germany . For forein Princes to help them is wise self-policy . When they have made them able to defend themselves against Spain , they are at the Pale , if they enable them to offend others they go beyond it . For questionless , were this thorn out of the Spaniards side , he might be feared too soon to grasp his long intended Monarchy . And were the Spaniard but possessed Lord of the Low. Countreys , or had the States but the wealth and power of Spain , the rest of Europe might be like people at Sea in a Ship on fire : that could only chuse wherther they would drown or burn . Now , their war is the peace of their neighbours . So Rome when busied in her civil broils , the Parthians lived at rest ; but those concluded once , by Caesar next are they designed for Conquest . If any man wonder at these contraries , let him look in his own body for as many several humors . In his own brain for as many different Fancies . In his own heart for as various passions ; and from all these he may learn That there is not in all the World such another Beast as Man. FINIS . A PERFECT DESCRIPTION OF THE PEOPLE AND COUNTREY OF Scotland . LONDON . Printed for Rich. Lownds . 1670. A Perfect DESCRIPTION of Scotland . FIrst , for the Countrey , I must confess it is good for those that possess it , and too bad for others , to be at the charge to conquer it . The Air might be wholsom , but for the stinking people that inhabit it The ground might be fruitful had they wit to manure it . Their Beasts be generally small , women only excepted , of which sort there are none greater in the whole world . There is great store of Fowl , too , as foul houses , foul sheets , foul linen , foul dishes and pots , foul trenchers , and napkins ; with which sort , we have been forced to say , as the children did with their fowl in the wilderness They have good store of fish too , and good for these that can eat it raw ; but if it come once into their hands , it is worse than if it were three days old . For their Butter and Cheese , I will not meddle with I at this time , nor no man else at any time that loves his life . They have great store of Deer , but they are so far from the place where I have been , that I had rather believe , than go to disprove it : I confess , all the Deer I met withal , was dear Lodgings , dear Horse-meat , and dear Tobaco , and English Beer . As sor fruit , for their Grand fire Adams sake , they never planted any ; and for other Trees , had Christ been betrayed in this Country , ( as doubtless he should , had he come as a stranger ) Judas had sooner found the Grace of Repentance , than a Tree to hang himself on . They have many hills , wherein they say is much treasure , but they shew none of it ; Nature bath only discovered to them some Mines of Coal , to shew to what end he created them . I saw little grass , but in their Potrage : The Thistle is not given of nought , for it is the fairest flower in their Garden . The word Hay is Heathen Greek unto them ; neither man nor beast knows what it means . Corn is reasonable plenty at this time , for since they heard of the Kings comming , it hath been as unlawful for the common people to eat Wheat , as it was in the old time for any , but the Priests , to eat shew-bread . They prayed much for his coming , and long fasted for his welfare ; but in the more plain sense , that he might fare the better : all his followers were welcom , but his guard ; for those they say are like Pharaoh's lean Kine , and threaten death wheresoever they come : They could perswade the Footmen , that oaten cakes would make them long-winded ; and the children of the Chappel they have brought to eat of them , for the maintenance of their voices . They say our Cooks are too sawcy , and for Grooms and Coachmen they wish them to give to their Horses no worse then they eat themselves ; they commend the brave mind , of the Pensioners , and the Gentlemen of the Bed-Chambers , which choose rather to go to Taverns , then to be always eating of the Kings provision , they likewise do commend the Yeomen of the Buttery and Cellar , for their readiness and silence , in that they will hear 20 knocks , before they will answer one . They perswade the Trumpeters that fasting is good for men of that quality ; for emptiness , they say , causes winde , and winde causes a Trumpet to sound well . The bringing of Heralds , they say , was a needless charge , they all know their pedigrees wel enough , and the Harbingers might have been spared , s●●he●ce they brought so many beds with them ; and of two evils , since the least should be chosen . They wish the beds might remain with them , and poor Harbingers keep their places , and do their office , as they return His Hangings they desire might likewise be left as Reliquos , to put them in mind of His Majesty ; and they promise to dispense with the wooden Images , but for those graven Images in his new beautified Chappel , they threaten to pull down soon after his departure , and to make of them a burnt offering , to appease the indignation they imagined conceived against them in the Brest of the Almighty , for suffering such idolatry to enter into their Kingdom ; The Organ , I think , will find mercy , because ( as they say ) there is some affinity between them and the Bag pipes . The Skipper that brought the singing men with their Papistical Vestments , complains that he hath been much troubled with a strange singing in his head , ever since they came aboard his ship . For remedy whereof the Parson of the Parish hath perswaded him to fell that prophane Vessel , and to distribute the money among the faithful Brethren . For his Majesties entertainment , I must needs ingeniously confess , he was received into the Parish of Edinburgh , ( for a City I cannot call it ) with great shouts of joy , but no shews of charg for Pageants ; they hold them idolatrous things , and not fit to be used in so reformed a place ; from the Castle they gave him som pieces of Ordnance , which surely he gave them since he was King of England , and at the entrance of the town , they presented him with a golden Bason , which was carried before him on mens shoulders to his Palace , I think , from whence it came . His Majesty was convey'd by the Younkers of the Town , which were about 100 Halberds , ( dearly shall they rue it , in regard of the charge ) to the Cress and so to the high Church where the only bell they had stood on tip toe to behold his sweet face ; where I must intreat you to spare him , for an hour I lost him . In the mean time to report the Speeches of the people concerning his never-exampled entertainment , were to make his discourse too tedious unto you , as the Sermon was to those that were constrained to endure it . After the Preachment he was conducted by the same Halberds unto his Palace , of which I forbear to speak , because it was a place sanctified by his divine Majesty , only I wish it had been better walled for my friends sake that waited on him . Now I will begin briefly to speak of the people according to their degrees and qualities ; for the Lords Spiritual , they may well be termed so indeed , for they are neither Fish nor Flesh , but what it shall please their earthly God , the King , to make them . Obedience is better then Sacrifice , and therefore they make a mock at Martyrdom , saying , That Christ was to die for them , and not they for him . They will rather subscribe then surrender , and rather dispense with small things , then trouble themselves with great disputation ; they will rather acknowledge the King to be their head , then want wherewith to pamper their bodies . They have taken great pains and trouble to compass their Bishopricks , and they will not leave them for a trifle ; for the Deacon , whose defects will not lift them up to dignities , all their study is to disgrace them that have gotten the least degree above them ; and because they cannot Bishop , they proclaim they never heard of any . The Scriptures , say they , speak of Deacons and Elders , but not a word of Bishops . Their Discourses are full of detraction ; their Sermons nothing but railing ; and their Conclusions nothing but Herefies and Treasons . For their Religion they have , I confess they have it above reach , and God-willing I will never reach for it . They christen without the Cross , marry without the Ring , receiv the Sacrament without reverence , die without repentance , and bury without divine Service ; they keep no Holy-days , nor acknowledge any Saint but S. Andrew , who they said got that honor by presenting Christ with an oaten cake after his forty days fast . They say likewise , that he that translated the Bible was the son of a Maulster , because it speaks of a miracle done by Barley-Loaves , whereas they swear they were Oaten Cakes , and that no other bread of that quantity could have sufficedso many thousands . They use no prayer at all , for they say it is needless , God knows their minds without pratling ; and what he doth , he loves to do it freely . Their Sabbaths exercise , is a preaching in the forenoon , and a persecuting in the afternoon ; they go to Church in the forenoon to hear the Law , and to the crags and mountains in the afternoon to louz themselves . They hold their Noses if you talk of Bear-baiting , and stop their Ears if you speak of a Play : Fornication they hold but a pastime , wherein mans ability is approved , and a womans fertility is discovered ; At Adultery they shake their heads ; Theft they rail at ; Murther they wink at ; and Blasphemy they laugh at ; they think it impossible to lose the way to Heaven if they can but leave Rome behind them . To be opposite to the Pope , is to be presently with God ; to conclude , I am perswaded , that if God and his Angels at the last day , should come down in their whiest Garments , they would run away and cry , The Children of the Chappel are come again to torment us , let us flie from the abomination of these boys , and hide our selves in the Mountains . For the Lords Temporal and spiritual , temporizing Gentlemen , if I were apt to sp ak of any , I could not speak much of them ; only I must let you know they are not Scottishmen , for assoon as they fall from the breast of the beast their mother , their careful fire posts them away for France , which as they pass , the Sea sucks from them that which they have suckt from their rude dams ; there they gather new flesh , new blood , new manners , and there they learn to put on their cloaths , and then return , into their Countreys , to wear them out ; there they learn to stand , speak , discourse and congee , to court women , and to complement with men . They spared for no cost to honor the King , nor no complemental curtesy to welcom their Country-men ; their followers are their fellows their wives their slaves , their horses their masters , and their swords their Judges ; by reason whereof , they have but few laborers , and those not very rich : their Parliaments holo but three dayes , their Statutes three lines , and their Suits are determined in a manner in three words , or very few more , &c. The wonders of their Kingdom are these ; the Lord Chancellor , he is believed ; the Master of the Rolls , well spoken of ; and the whole Councel , who are the Judges for all causes , are free from suspition of corruption . The Country , although it be mountainous , affords no Monsters but Women , of which , the greatest sort ( as Countesses , and Ladies ) are kept like Lions in Iron grates ; the Merchants wives are also prisoners , but not in so strong a hold ; they have wooden Cages , like our Boar Franks , through which , sometimes peeping to catch the Air , we are almost choaked with the sight of them ; the greatest madness amongst the men , is Jealousie ; in that they fear what no man that hath but two of his sences will take from them . The Ladies are of opinion , that Susanna could not be chast , because she bathed so often . Pride is a thing bred in their bones , and their flesh naturally abhors cleanliness ; their breath commonly stinks of Pottage , their linen of Piss , their hands of Pigs turds , their body of sweat , and their splay-feet never offend in Socks To be chained in marriage with one of them , were to be tyed to a dead carkass , and cast into a stinking ditch ; Formosity , and a dainty face , are things they dream not of . The Oyntments they most frequently use amongst them are Brimstone and Butter for the Scab , and Oyl of Bays , and Stave sacre . I protest , I had rather be the meanest servant of the two of my Pupils Chamber-maids , then to be the Master-Minion to the fairest Countess I have yet discovered . The sin of curiosity of oyntments is but newly crept inro the Kingdom , and I do not think will long continue . To draw you down by degree from the Citizens Wives , to the Countrey Gentlewomen , and convey you to common Dames in Sea-coal lane , that converse with Rags and Marrow-bones , are things o● Mineral-race ; every whore i● Hound ditch is an Helena ; and the greasie Bauds in Turnmil street at Greekish Dames in comparison of these . And therefore to conclude , The men of old did no more wonder , that the great Messias should be born in so poor a town as Bethlem in Judea , then I do wonder that so brave a Prince as King Iames , should be born in so stinking a Town as Edinburgh , in lowsie Scotland . FINIS .