The first and best part of Scoggins iests full of witty mirth and pelasant shifts, done by him in France, and other places: being a preseruatiue against melancholy. Gathered by Andrew Boord, Doctor of Physicke. Scoggin's jests. Part 1. 1626 Approx. 149 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 50 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2005-12 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A68702 STC 21850.7 ESTC S101656 99837464 99837464 1786 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A68702) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 1786) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1006:09) The first and best part of Scoggins iests full of witty mirth and pelasant shifts, done by him in France, and other places: being a preseruatiue against melancholy. Gathered by Andrew Boord, Doctor of Physicke. Scoggin's jests. Part 1. Boorde, Andrew, 1490?-1549. Scogan, John, fl. 1480. [4], 92 p. Printed [by Miles Flesher] for Francis Williams, London : 1626. Printer's name from STC. An edition of: The jestes of Scogyn. "30 lines a page."--STC. Formerly STC 21852. Identified as STC 21852 on UMI microfilm reel 1006. Reproduction of the original in the British Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. 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English wit and humor -- Early works to 1800. 2005-06 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2005-07 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2005-08 Judith Siefring Sampled and proofread 2005-08 Judith Siefring Text and markup reviewed and edited 2005-10 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE First and best Part OF Scoggins Iests : Full of witty mirth and pleasant shifts , done by him in France , and other places : being a preseruatiue against melancholy . Gathered by Andrew Boord , Doctor of Physicke . LONDON , Printed for Francis Williams . 1626. The Prologue . THere is nothing beside the goodnesse of God , that preserue health so much , as honest mirth , especially mirth vsed at dinner and supper , and mirth toward bed , as it doth plainly appeare in the Directions for health : Therefore considering this matter , that mirth is so necessary a thing for man , I published this Booke , named , The Iests of Scogin , to make men merrie : for amongst diuers other Bookes of graue matters that I haue made , my delight hath beene to recreate my mind in making something merrie . Wherefore I doe aduertise euery man in auoiding pensiuenesse , or too much study or melancholie , to be merrie with honesty in God , and for God , whom I humbly beseech to send vs the mirth of Heauen , Amen . I Haue heard say , that Scogin did come of an honest stocke or kindred , and his friends did set him to schoole at Oxford , where hee did continue vntill the time he was made Master of Art , where he made this Iest : A Master of Art is not worth a fart , Except he be in Schooles , A Batchelor of Law is not worth astraw , Except he be among fooles . A Table of the merry Iests and witty shifts of Scogin . VVHat shift Scogin & his chamberfellow made to fare well in Lent. 5 What shift Scogin made , when he lacked money . 5 How Scogin deceiued the skinner . 6 How Iack got his dinner . 8 How Iack made his masterpay a penny for her ring bones . 9 How Iacke made of two egges three . 10 How a husbandmā put his son to schoole with Scogin . 10 How Scogin & his scholler wēt to seeke his horse . 11 Scogins scholler took orders 12 The scholler said , Tom Miller of Osney was Iacobs father 14 Scogins scholier made priest 16 How the Priest excused himselfe for not preaching . 17 How the Priest fell asleepe at Masse . 20 How the Priest said Requiem eternam on Easter day . 20 How the Priest said , Deus qui gint i filij tui . 21 How the priest was accused for keeping a wench . 23 How the parson said , Anupsimus quesimus Domine . 24 How Scogin told the hunter he had found a hare . 25 How Scogin told his fellows of a Pickerell . 26 〈…〉 How Scogin drew out an old womans tooth . 28 How Scogin gaue a medicine to make one goe to it . 29 How Scogin gaue one a medicine to find his horse . 30 How Scogin was robbed . 30 Scogin parbraked a Crow . 31 How Sogin caused his wife to be let blood . 33 How Scogin and his wife made an heire . 34 How Scogin got the Abbots horse . 36 How Scogin broght a dogs ●urd to know what powder it was . 36 How Scogin did draw a Tooth-drawers tooth . 37 How Scogin did serue the poore folkes . 39 How Scogin came to the court , and won 20 pound . 40 How he leapt ouer the Tables . 44 How Scogin gaue one a goose leg . 45 Scogin was desired to sweepe a Lords chamber . 45 How Scogin said he had a wall eye . 45 How Scogin drew his son vp & downe the Court. 46 How Scogin greased a fat low . 47 How the King gaue Scogin a 〈…〉 How Scogin played horse play . 49 How Scogin let a fart , and said it was worth forty pounds . 50 How Scogin beg'd 500 Okes. 51 How Scogin wold make a shepheard aske blessing . 51 How a Cowheard taught him his cunning in the weather . 53 How a man told Scogin hee thought the building of Pauls cost forty shillings . 54 Of him that thought Paules steeple so high , that none might looke ouer it . 55 How Scogin desired to say , Aue Maria in the Kings eare . 55 How Scogin chalked his wife the way to Church . 56 How Scogin desired the Queen to know whether riches would not tempt women . 57 How Scogin escaped beating 58 How Sogins wife came to the Queene . 59 How Scogin whined like a dog . 62 How Scogin would flye into England . 63 How Scogin prayed for an 100 French Crownes . 64 How Scogin was new christened . 65 How Scogin deceiued a Doctor of Physicke . 66 And a Tapster . 68 〈…〉 And the Draper . 72 How Scogin told a shoomaker he was not at home . 75 How the shoomaker gaue Scogin forty shil'ing to haue his house made greater . 75 How Scogin could not doe two things at once . 77 How the French King shewed Scogin the King of Englands picture . 78 How Scogin put french earth into his shooes . 78 How Scogin deceiued the poore folkes . 79 How Scogin talked with a fellow that kept Oxen. 80 What shift Scogin made for boots . 81 How Scogin & the priest prayed for money . 82 How Scogin came to court like a monstrous beast . 85 How Scogin asked the King & Queene forgiuenesse . 87 How Scogin told the Queene what a great study he was in 88 How diuers Gentlemen came to Scogins house to make merry . 89 How Scogin fell sicke . 90 How Scogin was shriuen . 91 Where Scogin desired to be buried . 91 What Scogin said when he took 〈…〉 The merry Iests , and witty shifts of Scogin . What shift Scogin and his Chamber-fellow made to fare well in Lent. ON a time in Lent Scogin consulted with a Chamber-fellow of his , a Collegioner , & said , How shall we do to fare well this Lent ? The scholler replyed , I cannot tell , for I lacke mony . Nay said Scogin , if you will be ruled by me , we will fare well . The scholler answered , I will do as you shall counsel me . Then Scogin said , faine your selfe sicke , & goe to bed , grone and cry out for helpe , and call for me to come vnto you , which was done ; and when Scogin came to his chamber-fellow he fained himselfe sore sicke . Scogin asked how he did ? I am so sicke quoth he , that I thinke I shal die , then said Scogin , bee of good comfort , I sée no perill of death in you : O sir , said the scholler , you doe not féele the paines that I féele . I pray you sir , as my trust is in you , kéepe mée , and go not from m , vntill I am amended , for euery Lent is vnto me very euill , vnlesse that I haue some good cherishing ; as you sée this little sicknesse hath made mée so faint and weak , that I cannot stand on my legges , and I feare I shall pine away : not so , said Scogin , be of good chéere , and pull vp your heart , here be of your fellowes , which will take the paines to goe to the Eowcers of your place , to entreat them to take care of you . When it was known in the Colledge that Scogins chamber-fellow was so sore sicke , some were afraid that it had been the pestilence , or else some other infectious sicknesse : wherefore Scogin was put in trust both for the keeping , and to doe other necessary things for his chamber-fellow , and had euery night the keyes of the Bowcery and Buttery deliuered , whereby he prouided for bread & drinke , good salt Eeles , salt Salmon , & other salt fishes , so they did lack no good cheere , besides fresh fish which came out of the Kitchin. This done , the fellowes of the place would that the patients urine should be had to the Physician , to know what manner of sicknesse the Patient had . Scogin then being afraid that the Physitian wold now know that his fellow was not sicke , said to him , we shal be both shamed and sh●nt , except thou wilt suffer me to burne thy lips and singe thy nose with a candle , and then let me alone with the Physitian , for I must haue your water to him Scogin did burne his chambersellowes nose & lips , and had his water to the Physitian . The Physitian said , he that doth owe this water or vrine , is a whole man. Nay , said Scogin , that is not so , the man is a sore sicke man , & doth breake out about the lips and nose . Ah said she Physitian , a water or vrine is but a strumpet , a man may be deceiued in a water : and if he be as you doe say , ( said the Physician to Scogin ) then hath he a great heat in the liuer , & in the stomacke Yea sir , said Scogin hée doth complaine of his stomacke . Then said the Physician , you shall haue a bill of the Apothecarie , and let him take such medicines as shall be there made : Sir , said Scogin , it is but a poore scholler , and he hath little to spend . Then said the Physitian , for your sake it shall be but a groat matter : which when he had bought , and brought home , he cast the medicine into the fire , saying to his fellow , I haue deceiued the Physician , and now let vs make merry , and fill all the pots in the house After this Scogin shewed the Bowcers and the fellowes , how he was with the Physician , and that he had sent the patient medicines : but for all that , Scoggin said that the Physician cannot tell as yet vnto what infirmity this matter will turne : but said Scogin , I feare much the pestilence , which he said , because none should visit the patient : this continued vntill that Lent was done , & on maundie Thursday , Scogin said to his chamberfellow , we wil make our maundy , and eate & drink with aduantage : be it said the scholler . On Maundy thursday at night they made such chéere , that the scholler was drunke . Scogin then pulled off all the schollers clothes , and laid him stark naked on the rushes , and set a forme ouer him , and spread a couerlet ouer it , and set vp two fallow candles in candlesticks ouer him , one at his head , the other at his feet , and ran from chamber to chamber , and told the fellowes of the place that his chamberfellow was dead ; and they asked of Scogin if he died of the pestilence . Scogin said no , I pray you go vp and pray for his soule , and so they did . And when the scholler had slept his first sleepe , he began to turne himselfe , and cast downe the forme and the candles . The fellowes of the house seeing that Scogin did run first out of the chamber , they and all that were in the chamber ( one running and tumbling downe on anothers neck ) were afraid . The scholler seeing them run so fast out of the chamber , followed them starke naked ; and the fellowes seeing him runne after them like a ghost , some ran into their chambers , and some ran into one corner , and some into another , Scogin ran into the chamber , to see that the candles should doe no harme , and at last fetcht vp his chamberfellow , which ran about naked like a mad man , and brought him to bed , for which matter Scogin had rebuke . What shift Scogin and his fellow made , when they lacked money . AFter this , Scogin and his chamber-fellow lacked money , and Scogin said , if thou wilt be ruled after me , we will goe to Tame market , where we shall ouertake going or comming some that driue shéepe , now doe as I shall tell thee , and we will get some money : and as they went to Tame , they did sée a man driue sheepe . Then Scogin said to his fellow , goe thou before , and make bargaine with him , that the sheepe bee no shéepe , but Hogs , and when that thou hast made a full bargaine , aske by whom the matter shall be tried , and say thou , by him that shall next ouertake vs. The scholler did ouertake him that droue the sheepe , and said , Well ouertaken my friend , from whence hast thou brought these faire hogs ? Hogs quoth the fellow , they be sheepe : said the scholler , you begin to iest . Nay , sir , said the fellow , I speake in good earnest . Art thou in earnest , said the scholler ? Thou wilt lay no wager with me to the contrary . Yes by the boke of a pudding , I will lay all the money in my purse . How much is that , said the scholler ? The fellow said , I haue two shillings . Two shillings , said the scholler , that is nothing , wilt thou lay halfe thy hogs , and two shillings , and I will lay as much against it ? strike hands , and he that loseth shall pay . Be it , sayd the fellow . Now said the Scholler , by whom shall we be tryed ? the fellow said , we shal be tried in the towne of Tame . Nay , said the scholler , Tame is out of my way , let vs bee tried by him that shall next ouertake vs. Be it , said the fellow : by and by Scogin did ouertake them , saying , well ouertaken good fellowes . Welcome master , said the scholler and the fellow . Master , said the fellow here is a scholler of Oxford hath made a bargaine with me of two shillings and the price of halfe my Shéep , that they be hogs that I doe driue before me . Scogin did set vp a laughing , saying , Alacke good fellow , dost thou thinke these be sheepe ? yea sir , said the fellow . Alacke good fellow , thou hast lost thy bargaine , said Scogin , for they bee faire Hogs . Then said the Scholler , giue me my mony , and diuide these Hogs , for I must haue halfe of them . Alacke , said the fellow , I bought these for sheepe , and not for hogs , I am vndone . Nay , said Scogin , I will be indifferent betweene you both , let the Scholler haue the two shillings , and take thou the hogs away with thée . The fellow said , blessed be the time that euer you were borne : hold Scholler , there is two shillings . The fellow was glad he lost not his hogs , which were shéepe . How Scogin deceiued the Skinner . VVHen Scogin had broght to Oxford such things as he had in London , hee lacked furres for his gownes , and Miniuer furres for his hood . Whereupon hee went to an Alderman in Oxford , which was a Skinner , and said vnto him . It is so that I must procéed Master of Art at the next Act , and I haue bestowed my money at London , and now I haue néed of furres , ( as you know ) wherefore if I shall haue of you as much as shall serue me , I will content you with thankes . Then said the Alderman , make your gownes and your hood , and send them to me , and they shall be furred as other Masters be . Then said Scogin you shal haue them within these two dayes , and then I pray you make me a bill what I shall pay for euery thing . It shall bee done said the Alderman . When as the gownes and hood were furred , he went to fetch them home , & said to the Alderman , I pray you let me sée my charge : the bill was brought forth and the sum did rise to sixe pound and odde money . The Alderman said , when shall I haue my money ? Scogin answered , within these seuen weeks , or else the next time that you and I doe méet after the said terme set . The terme of time passed ouer , and the Alderman sent for his money . Scogin said to the messenger , haue me commended to Master Alderman , and tell him when he & I doe meet , I wil cōtent him according to my promise : so on a time Scogin went to Korfax , and he espied the Alderman , and then he returned backe . The Alderman made good footing after him to ouertake him and said vnto him , Sir , you said that you would pay me my money within seuen weekes , or else any time after that we did meet together . It is true , said Scogin , my day is expired , but my promise is not broken : no , said the Olderman , so that you pay me my money now . Now said Scogin , nay not so , wee meet not together yet , for now you did but ouertake me , and when we doe meet , you shall haue your money : but if I can , said Scogin , I will not méet you this seuen yeeres , if I can goe backward . Wherfore a plaine bargain is best , and in bargaines making , fast bind , fast find . How Iacke by playing of the Whiting , got his dinner . VVHen the sicknesse was at Oxford , on a time Scogin went out of Oxford , and did lye at S. Barthelmewes by Oxford , and hee had a poore scholler to dresse his meat : On a Friday he said to his scholler , Jacke , here is two pence , goe to the market and buy mee thrée whitings , the which his scholler did : & when hee was come home , Scogin said , Jacke , goe séeth me a whiting to my dinner : Jack heard him say so , and deferred the time , thinking hee should fare ill when that his master had but a whiting to dinner . At last Scogin said ; doth the fish play ? Jack said , would you haue one play without a fellow ? Scogin said , Jacke thou saist truth : put another whiting into the pan . Then Jacke prepared his fish to seeth them : then Scogin said , Jacke , doth the fish play now ? Jack said , I trow they be mad or else wood , for one doth fight with the other , that I haue much adoe to keepe them in the pan . Then said Scogin , put the other whiting betwixt them to breake the strife . Jacke was then glad , thinking he should get somewhat to dinner , and sod the fish , and had his part . How Iacke made his Master pay a penny for the herring bones . ON a time Scogin did send Jacke to Oxford to market , to buy a penny worth of fresh herring . Scogin said , bring foure herrings for a penny , or else bring none . Jack could not get four herrings , but three for his penny ; and when he came home , Scogin said , how many herrings hast thou brought ? and Jacke said , thrée herrings , for I could not get foure for a penny . Scogin said , he would none of them : sir , said Jacke , then will I , and here is your penny againe . When dinner time was come , then Jack did set bread and butter before his Master , and rosted his herrings , and sate downe at the lower end of the table , and did eate the herrings . Scogin said , let mee haue one of thy herrings , and thou shalt haue another of mee another time . Jacte said , and if you will haue one herring , it shall cost you a penny . What said Scogin , thou wilt not take it on thy conscience : Jacke said , my conscience is such , that you get not a morsell here , except I haue my penny again . Thus contending together , Jack had made an end of his herrings : A Master of Art of Oxford , one of Scogins fellowes , did come to sée Scogin , and when Scogin had espied him , hee said to Jack , set vp the bones of the herrings before me ; sir , said Jacke , they shall cost you a penny . Then said Scogin , what whorsō wilt thou shame me ? no sir , said Jack , giue me my penny again , & you shal haue vp the bones , or else I will tell all . Scogin then cast down a penny to Jack , & Jack brought vp to Scogin the herring bones : and by this time the Master of Art did come in to Scogin , & Scogin had him welcome , saying , if you had come sooner , you should haue had fresh herrings to dinner . How Iack by sophistry would make of two egges three . SCogin on a time had two egs to his breakefast , and Jack his choller should rost them , and as they were rosting , Scogin went to the fire , to warme him , and as the egs were rosting , Jacke said , sir , I can by sophistry proue that here be three Egs. Let me sée that , said Scogin , I shall tel you sir , said Jacke : Is not here one ? Yes , said Scogin . And is not here two , said Jack ? Yea , said Scogin , of that I am sure . Then Jacke did tell the first egge againe , saying , is not this the third ? O said Scogin , Jack thou art a good sophister Wel , said Scogin , these two egs shal serue me for my breakfast , and take thou the third for thy labour , and for the herring that thou didst giue mee the last day . So one good turne doth aske another , and to deceiue him that goeth about to deceiue , is no deceit . How a Husband-man put his sonne to Schoole with Scogin . THere was a Husbandman beside . Oxford , and he would faine haue his son to goe to Schoole with master Scogin , and that Scogin should help to make him a Priest , and to obtaine Scogins fauour and good will the husbandman gaue Scogin a horse . Scogin was pleased , so that he would pay for his sonnes boord . The husbandman was contented , and Scogin pleased . The slouenly boy almost as big as a knaue , would begin to learne his A. B. C. Scogin did giue him a lesson of nine of the first letters of A. B. C. and he was nine daies in learning of them , and when he had learned the nine Christ-crosse row letters , the good scholler said , Am itch past the worst now ? Yea , said Scogin . Then said the Scholler , would God ich were , vor dis is able to comber any mans wits aliue . Scogin then thought his scholler would neuer bee but a foole , and did apply him as well as he could to learning : but he that hath no wit , can neuer haue learning nor wisedome . How Scogin and his scholler went to seek his horse ON a time Scogin had lost his horse ; wherefore in the morning he called vp his scholler , saying , Will ho. Will heard him call , and would not speake : at last Scogin said , what Will I say , arise , and let vs goe looke my horse . Will said , Master , hold your peace , vor ich am vast azleepe . What old luske , said Scogin , arise and méet with me at Shotouer , which is a great wood nigh S. Bartholmewes beside Oxford . Will followed his master with an euill will , they seeking one in one place , and the other in another place for his horse . At last Scogin did lewer and whoop to him . Will said , as he was brought vp with his father , what a diuell will you haue now ? Scogin said , hast thou found my horse ? No , I may , but ch'aue found a better thing . What is that , said Scogin ? By my vay , said Will , ich haue found a birds nest . Well Will , said Scogin , marke the place , and looke out my horse . By my day , said Will , I hill marke the place , vor ich haue shit vnder the tree , and now chould ich could find another birds nest , for all your horse . Thus you soe a soole will not leaue his bable for a thing of better worth . How Scogins scholler tooke orders . WHen that Scogin had taught his scholler that hee with helpe might be Subdeacon , he said to him , thou shalt goe to take orders , and I will go with thée . And if thou dost stand in any doubt , take heed to my booke , and giue an eare tame , and I will helpe thee as much as I can . When all they that should take orders , were come to oppositions , Scogin did come forth with his scholler . And the Ordinary did oppose him with a verse of the Psalter ; which was this , Moab , Agareni , Gebal , Amon , & Amaleck , cum habitantibus Tirum . Scogins scholler was blanke oramazed . Sir , said Scogin to the Ordinary , you shall vnderstand that Moab , Agareni , Gebal , Amon , & Ameleck , cum habitantibus Tirum , were vnhappy fellowes , for they did trouble the children of Israel , and if they trouble my scholler , it is no maruell : but now I doe tell thée my scholler , be not afraid of Moab , Agareni , Gebal , Amon , & Ameleck , cum habitantibus Tirum , for I will stand beside to comfort thée , for Moab , Agaren● ▪ &c. can do thée no haime , for they be dead . By reason that Scogin did so oft repeate these words , the scholler did reade this verse aforesaid : and through Scogins promise , the Ordinary was content that his scholler should take Orders , and be Subdeacon . After this , when the Orders were giuen againe , Scogin did speake to his schollers Father , to send in a letter three or soure péeces of gold . The schollers Father was content so to doe : so that his sou might be Deacon . Then said Scogin to his scholler , thou shalt deliuer this letter to the Ordinary , when he doth sit in oppositions , & as soone as he féeleth the letter , he will perceiue that I haue sent him some money , and he will say to thée , Quomodo valec magister tuus ? that is to say , how doth thy Master ? thou shalt say , Qiud petis ? what thing doest thou aske ? Then thou shalt say , Diaconatum , to be Deacon . Then the Ordinary will say , Es tu literatus ? art thou learned ? & thou shalt say , Aliqualiter , some , what . Now said Scogin , thou hast no more but thrée words to beare in mind in Latine , which is to say , Bene , Diaconatum , and Aliqualiter . The father and the scholler were glad that by Scogins letters & the money he should be Deacon , & went to the oppositions , and deliuered his letter with the money . The Ordinary perceiuing money in the letter , said to the scholler , Quid petis ? that is to say , what dost thou aske or desire ? The scholler remembring Scogins words , that the first word , was Bene , he said , Bene that is , well . When the Ordinary heard him say so , he said ; Quomodo valet Magister tuus ? Now doth thy Master ? The scholler said , Diaconatum , that is to say , Deacon . The Ordinary did sée he was a foole , & said ; Tues stu●tus thou art a foole : the scholer said , Aliqualiter , that is to say , somewhat . Nay , said the Ordinary , not Aliqualiter , but Totaliter , a starke foole . Then the scholer was amazed , and said , sir , let me not goe home without mine Orders , and heere is another Angell of gold sor you to drinke . Well , said the Ordinary , on that condition you will promise me to goe to your booke and learne , you shall bee Deacon at this time . Héere a man may see that money is better then learning . How the scholler said , Tom Miller of Osney , was Iacobs Father . AFter this , the said scholler did come to the next Orders , & brought a present to the Ordinary from Scogin , but the schollers father paid for all . Then said the Ordinary to the scholler , I must néedes oppose you , and for Master Scogins sake , I will oppose you in a light matter . Isaac had two sons , Esau & Iacob , who was Iacobs father ? The scholler stood still , and could not tell . Well said the Ordinary , I cannot admit you to be Priest , vntill the next Orders , and then bring me an answer . The scholler went home with a heauy heart , bearing a letter to Master Scogin , how his scholler could not answer to this question , Isaac had two sonnes , Esau & Iacob , who was Iacobs Father . Scogin said to his scholler , thou foole and asse-head , doest thou not know Tom Miller of Osney ? Yes said the scholler . Then said Scogin , thou knowest he had two sonnes , Tom and lacke , who is lacks father ? The scholler said Tom Miller . Why said Scogin , thou mightest haue said , that Isaac was Iacobs Father : then said Scogin , thou shalt arise betime in the morning , and carry a letter to the Ordinary , and I trust hee will admit thée before the Orders shall be giuen . The scholler rose vp betime in the morning , and carried the letter to the Ordinary . The Ordinary said , for Master Scogins sake I will oppose you no farther then I did yesterday . Isaac had two sonnes , Esau and Iacob , who was Iacobs Father ? Marry said the scholler , I can tell you now that was Tom Miller of Osney . Goe foole , goe , said the Ordinary , and let thy Master send thée no more to me for Orders ; for it is vnpossible to make a foole a wise man. How Scogins scholler was made Priest . THe aforesaid schollers Father was sorry that he could not haue his sonne made Priest and made his mone to Master Scogin . Master Scogin said , you must get him his Dimissaries to be made Priest in some other Diocesse , for our Ordinary will not admit him : sir , said the schollers father , get him his Dimissaries and make him a Priest , and I will giue you twenty nobles : sir , said Scogin , let me haue the money and it shall be done . The next Orders after , Scogin & the schollers father , & the scholler did ride all to London , and Scogin went to the Ordinary , and gaue him forty shillings to haue his scholler made Priest . The Ordinary said , I must oppose him ; sir , said Scogin , my scholler is well learned , but hee hath no vtterance ; wherfore I pray you at my request , oppose him in Te Deum , and his father shal bring him to you . I am pleased , said the Ordinary . On the morrow the scholler & his father went to master Ordinary : The Ordinary said , be you master Scogins scholler ? Yea sir , said he . Would you be Priest at the beginning of these Orders ? Yea sir , said the scholler . Then said the Ordinary , I must oppose you , & it shall be in Te Deum , and I will begin , & answer you me , and say ; Tibi Cherubin & Scraphin incessabili voce proclamant , Sanctus said the scholler , Sanctus said the Ordinary , Sanctus said the scholler . Hold thy peace knaue , said the schollers father : will you checke the Gentleman , that is so good to vs ? The Ordinary did laugh , and said to the Scribe : put this mans name in the Booke to be Priest . Goe said he Ordinary , & come to morrow , and the Bishop will make you a Priest : the which was done . What talke this wise Priest and his Father had as they rode home . ANd as he was riding home with his father , he espied the Moon , & said , father , this is like the Moone we haue at home . I maruell said he , whereof the Moone is made . His father said , I cannot tell . Then said the wise Priest , it is made like a Cheese , and if it be a Chéese , I would I had a gobbot , for I am hungry . Father he said , how may a man climbe vp to it , & cut out a péece ? then said the Father , I would I were at home , for all the Moones in this Countrey . At last they came to Uxbridge , and there the young Priest had espied a Cowturd , lying vpon a beame in the top of the house : then he said to his father , here is a thing to be maruelled on , whether the Cow went vp to shite on the beame , or the beame came downe to let the Cow shite on it . Then said the father , belike one of the two it was . How the Priest excused himselfe , because he did not preach ? AFter that this man was made Priest for mony his father had not him a benefice : then the parishioners where he was parson , were not contented that they had no sermons of him : vpon the which he went to master Scogin to aske his counsell Then said Scogin Christmas day is at hand , and then goe into the Pulpit , and take this for thy antheme , P●er natus 〈…〉 , &c. Then say , Masters to yeu ali , what is Pu●● natus est nobis ? and if no man will answer , aske of the Clarke : and if hee cannot tell , then say ; Now Masters to you all , what is 〈◊〉 datus est nobis ? if none can tell , aske the Clarke : if he cannot tell , then say ; Masters , what is Cuins imperium ; if none can tell , then aske the oldest man in the Church what Cuius imperium is : is he cannot tell , then say ; Masters , this man hath dwelt in this Parish this many yeeres , and he cannot tell what Cuius imperium is . I haue not beene halfe a yeere among you , and you would haue me to preach , I tell you all , by that time I haue beene in this Towne as long as this old man hath béene . I will preach , and tell you what Cuius imperium is . On Christmas day this noble Priest went into the Pulpit and said ; Puer natus est nobis , Filius datus est nobis : cuius imperium . Now Masters to you all what is Puer natus est nobis ? There was no man could answer him : then said the Priest to the Clarke , what is Puer natus est nobis ? The Clarke said , A Childe is borne to vs. It is well said ( said the priest , ) Now Masters to you all , what is Filius datus est nobis ? No man said a word : Clarke , what is Filius datus est nobis 〈◊〉 The Clarke said , a sonne is giuen to vs. It is well said ( said the Priest ) although he knew not whether hee said right or wrong . Then said the Priest , now masters to you all , what is Cuius imperium ? There was none in the Church did answer . Then said the Priest to the Clarke , what is cuius imperium ? the Clarke said , I cannot tell Then the Priest said , how long hast thou dwelt here ? The Clarke said , nine or ten yéeres . Then there sate before the Priest an olde man with a bald head : thou old Father , said the Priest , what is cuius imperium ? I cannot tell , said the olde man , why , said the Priest , how long hast thou dwelt in this parish ? The olde man said , I was borne in this Towne . Why said the priest , how olde art thou ? The old man said , fourescore yéeres and odde : Then said the priest , loe masters all here is a Clarke which hath dwelt here this nine or ten yéeres , and this olde man hath dwelt héere fourescore yéeres and odde , & yet they cannot tel what Cuius imperium is and I haue not beene here ten weekes , and you would haue me preach I tell you all , by that time I haue dwelt here as long as this olde man hath done , I will preach , 〈◊〉 tell you what Cius imperium is . For hee is 〈◊〉 starcke foole that can make no excuse for himsel●● that is culpable . How the Priest fell asleepe as he was at Masse . ON a certaine time Scogin went to his scholler , the aforesaid Parson , to dine with him on a sunday : and this foresaid Priest or Parson all the night before had béene at Cards playing at the Post , hée made short mattens , and went to Masse , and when he did come to his first memento , hée leaned him to the Altar , and fell asléepe . When Scogin had espyed it , he called the Clarke to awake him ; the Clarke went and shoote him , and bad him awake . Passe said the Priest , awake said the Clarke . I will none of it , said the Priest , what sir , said the Clarke , you are at masse . Hold thy peace , saith the Priest , I beshrew thy heart , thou hast let me of a good sléep Awake for shame , said the Clarke . At the last he awaked , and made an end of his Masse . When Masse was done , Scogin reprehended him , and they of the Parish complained of the Priest to Scogin , for that fault and many other . Scogin said , that the Priest had great paine in his browes , that he could not hold vp his head : and therefore pardon him for this fault , considering his sicknesse . How the Priest said , Requiem aeternam on Easter day . ON an Easter day , this aforesaid Parson could not tell what Masse he should say : wherefore he said to the Clarke , I pray thée run to my next neighbour , the Parson of Garsington , & let him send me word what Masse I shall say to day : the Parson said to the Clarke , let him say the Masse which doth beginne with a great R. The Priest turned ouer his Booke and found Requiem aeternam , and said the Masse which is vsed for a soule or soules : When Masse was done , one said to him , Master Parson , for whose soule did you say Masse to day ? sir said he , for Gods soule , which died on Friday last : For I was sicke yesterday , and could not say Masse for his soule : sir , said the man , God is aliue , and not dead . No , said he ? if he had not béene dead , hee should not haue béene buried . All this is true , said the man , but after he was dead , he rose from death to life , and is aliue , and shall die no more . By my faith said the Parson , I will neuer after this pray for him any more . No , said the man , you must neuer pray for God : but you must pray to God to send you some wit , or else you will die a foole , &c. How the Priest said , Deus qui viginti filij tui , when he should haue said , Deus qui vnigeniti . ON a time master Scogin said to his fellowes that were Masters of Art , I pray you let vs goe to make merrie with the Parson of Baldon , which was once my scholler . Be it said they : On the morrow in the morning , they went to Baldon , and one Master of Art went before all the other , and did goe into the Church , and the Priest began Masse of the Crosse : and when hée came to the Collect , he did read ; Deus qui viginti filij 〈◊〉 , &c. when he should haue said , Deus qui vnigeniti , &c. And as he was reading the Collect , he heard a great noise in the Church-yard , and ere he had fully made an end of it , master Scogin and the other Masters of Art came into the Church . Then at the Collect end , he turned about and said ; Dominus , vobis cum . He spying so many schollers , said , I●● missa est . For he thought the schollers did come for to checke him in his Masse . And when Masse was done , they went to dinner with the Parson . And after dinner , the Master of Art that did come first into the Church , that heard the Parson reade , Deus qui viginti filij 〈◊〉 , said , Master Parson , I pray you for my learning , tell me how many sonnes God had . The Parson was astonied : sir said he , I will tell you by and by . He went to Scogin , saying , sir , I pray you tell mée how many sonnes God had . Scogin said , goe and tell him , sir , you did aske of me how many sonnes God hath : it shall not skill how many nor how few he hath , I am sure that you be none of them . Why sir , said the Master of Art , you said to day in your Masse , that God had twenty children , for you said , Deus qui viginti filij tui , yea sir , be content said Scogin , hath God moe or lesse , my priest saith you be none of them : we haue good chéere , & costs vs nothing , therefore one good turne asketh another without reprehension . How the Priest was complained on for keeping a yong wench in his house . THis aforesaid Parson had a wench to kéepe his house , & to dresse his meate , and because both the Priest and shée were yong , they were complained on to the Ordinary , which sent for the Priest by a citation . The priest was afraid , and said to the Sumner , I will giue the 15 pence to tell me the cause why I should come to the Ordinary : sir said he , for kéeping this wench within your house wherefore you must appeare the next court day . The priest went to Scogin and shewed him the whole matter , Scogin said , I will write a Letter to the Ordinary , the contents whereof was this : After commendations , I certifie you , that where my Priest is complained on for a woman that he keepeth in his house , to wash his dishes and to gather rishes , to milke his cow , & to serue his sow , to feed his hen & cocke , to wash shirt and smocke , his points to vnloose , & to wipe his shooes : to make bread & ale , both good , & eke stale , & to make his bed , & to looke his head , his garden she doth weed , & doth helpe him at need : no man can say , but night and day , he could not misse to clip & kisse : she is saire and fat , what for all that , I can no more tell , but now fare you well . The parson did beare this letter to the Court , and deliuered it . The Ordinary said , Master parson you ●ee complained on because you doe kéepe a yong wench in your house : Master said the Parson , she is not young , for she is of the age of my horse . Why said the Ordinarie , how old is your horse ? Master said the Parson , eightéene yéeres old . Well said the Ordinary you must put away your wench . Now , said the Priest , I had rather loose my benefice : for then must I brew and ba●e , & doe all things my selfe , and that I will not doe . Well said the Ordinary , I will come home to your house one day , and sée what rule you kéepe : sir said the Parson , you shall bée welcome . The Ordinarie came to the Parsons house , and when he did sée the wench , he said ; Vxor tua sicut vitis abundantis in lateribus domus tua . The Parson thought the Ordinarie had opposed him in our Latine Mattins , and said ; Ec filij tui sicut nouellae Oliuarum in circ●●t● mensae tuae . The Ordinary was abashed , and supposed that some man had told him of his children that he had in his house of his owne , sitting round about at his Table , was ashamed to rebuke the Parson , and said nothing else , but farewell Master Parson . Thus a man may perceiue , that diuers times fooles be fortunate . And it is euill and a foolish thing , for a man to reprehend another man for a fault that he himselfe is guilty in . How the Parson said , Anupsimus quaesimus domine . ANother time Master Scogin , & other Masters of Art in Oxford , did visit the said Priest again , and found him at Masse , and at the last Collect , the Parson said ; An●p●mus quaesimus Domine . One of the Masters of Art said , Master Parson , you must say ; Sumpsimus quaesimus Domine . The Parson looked backe , & said to the Master of Art ; I haue said these dozen yeeres , Anupsimus quaesimus Domine , and I will not leaue my old Anupsimus for thy new Sumpsimus : so they went to dinner , and the Parson said to Scogin , I haue not meat enough for you all . Well said Scogin , such as you haue set on the board , and so he did . Then one of the Masters said grace , and began , Benedicite domine apposita , & apponenda . Nay said Scogin put apponenda in your purse , and blesse apposita , for here is on the table all the meat at this tune you shall haue , and I beshrew some of vs , and not me , for we had fared better , if Sumpsimus had not béene heere : wherefore it appeareth , that he which telleth the truth , oftentimes shall fare the worse , or else be shent . How Scogin told the hunter he had found a Hare . SCogin had a great Hares skin , that was new killed , and he went to a wheat land , that was an handfull and an halfe high , and did lay there a foule great mard ; they that can speake French , can tell what a mard is , and couched the Hares skinne ouer it , and set vp the Hares eares , and then hee came to Oxford , and said to them that vsed hunting , that he had found a Hare sitting . They ran for their Grey-hounds to kill the hare , and Scogin went with them to the land where the Hare did sit . At last one espied the eares , and the head of the Hare , and said , so how ? stand you there , said the other , and giue her the law of the game . Scogin got him home to Oxford , and one that came to sée the game , was bid to put vp the Hare , and when he came almost at the Hare , vp whore he said , or I will prick you in the buttocke by and by , but the Hare did not stirre . At last when he came to the place , he thrust his staffe at the Hares skinne , and did turne it ouer , and vnder it was a great mard , hée returned againe as if he had a flea in his eare to Oxford . Why said they doe you not put vp the Hare ? Goe put her vp your selfe with a vengeance said he , and went home againe in an anger : they that held their Grey hounds did maruell what he meant , & that Scogin was gone : they went to see where the Hare should sit , & they found a Hares skinne & a great mard . Wel said they , we can neuer beware of Scogins mocks & iests , would part of this hare were in his mouth , and so they departed : whereby you may see that faire words make fooles faine . How Scogin told his fellowes he knew where was a Pickerell . ON a , time Scogin said to his fellowes , I haue found where a Pickerell doth lie in a ditch behind Saint Wenefrides Wel : said the one I can get a net , Goe , said Scogin & fetch it , and méet me behind S. Wenefrides Well . Scogin tooke a long quarter staffe , the which craftily hée had cut more then halfe asunder . Scogin did look into the water , and said , here about he should bée . Then said the one to the other , some must leape ouer . Hold the staffe said Scogin . The one of them tooke the staffe , and pitched it into the water , and would haue lept ouer . The staffe brooke , and laid the Scholler in the middle of the water . Then were the scholl ers ready to take him vp with their net , & other policy . Scogin shrunke away , & went home . When the scholler was taken out of the water , Scogin was asked for & no man could tel where he was . The schollers went home & found him out , and said : Is this the Pickerell that you would shew vs ? I pray you , said he , if you haue taken him , let me haue part with you : Here a man may sée daily , if a man haue shrewd turnes , he shall be mocked also for his labour . How Scogin sold powder to kill fleas ? SCogin diuers times did lacke money , & could not tell what shift to make , at last he thought to play the Physician , and did fill a box full of the powder of a rotten post , and on a sunday he went to a Parish Church , and told the wiues , that hee had a powder to kil vp all the fleas in the country and euery wife bought a penny worth , & Scogin went his way ere Masse was done , the wiues went home , & cast the powder into their beds , 〈◊〉 in their chambers , & the fleas continued still . On a time Scogin came to the same Church on a sunday , and when the wiues had espied him , the one said to the other , this is he that deceiued vs with the powder to kill fleas : sée said the one to the other , this is the selfe-same person . When Masse was done , the wiues gathered about Scogin , and said ; You be an honest man to deceiue vs with the powder to kill fleas Why said Scogin , are not your sleas all dead ? We haue more now ( said they ) then euer we had : I maruell of that , said Scogin , I am sure you did not vse the medicine As you should haue done . They said , wee did cast it in our bed , & in our chambers . A , said he , there be a sort of feoles that will buy a thing , & will not aske what they should doe with it . I tell you all , that you should haue taken euery slea by the neck , & then they would gape , and then you should haue cast a little of the powder into euery fleas mouth and so you should haue killed them all . Then said the wiues , we haue not onely lost our money , but we are mocked for our labour . How Scogin drew out an old womans tooth . THere was an olde woman that had but one tooth in her head , & that did a●e very sore , she went to Master Scogin for remedy . Come with me mother , said Scogin , & you shall be healed by & by . He then got a packthréed , and went to the Smiths forge with the woman , and he said to the Smith , I pray you heate mée a Coulter in your forge . I will said the Smith . Then he went to the old woman and said , Mother , let me see your tooth , and she did so : he tooke his packthrée● , and bound it fast about the tooth , & tyed the other end of the thred at the ring of the forge doore , whereas the Smith vsed to tie his horses & mares , and when the culter was glowing hot , coggi● tooke the culter , and ran with it against the old woman saying ; A whore dost thou stand here like an old mare : I will run thée through with this hot culter . The woman being afraid , gaue a braid with her head , and ran her way , & left her tooth behind her . Scogin ran after the woman , and she cryed out for helpe ( for shee was afraid that Scogin would haue burnt her . ) The Smith ran after Scogin for his culter , for he was afraid that Scogin would run away with it . Whereby you may sée what a terrible thing feare is . How Scogin gaue one a medicine to make him go to it . ON a time there did a yong man come to Scogin to haue a medicine , saying , Sir , I would haue a medicine to make me goe to it lustily , ( he ment of Venus acts ) Scogin did giue him an extreame purgation . The yong man went to bed with his Lemman . Within a while his belly began to rumble , and there was no remedy but hée must néeds go to it so long , that he did defile both the chamber & the bed , so that he and his lemman bathed themselues that night in dirt , Wherefore it is good for all men , when they aske counsell of any man , to be plaine in his words , and not to speake in parables . How Scogin gaue one a medicine to make him find his horse . THere was a man that had lost his horse , & he came to master Scogin , & said , sir , I here say that you be a good Physician , and I haue lost my horse , & would fain know a remedy how I might find out my horse . Scogin gaue that man such a purgation , that he was constrained to run to euery bush and hedge , and peaking so about here and there , at last he found his horse . Then he reported that Scogin was the best physician in the world . Scogin was robbed as he went to London . VVHen Scogin did pretend to leaue Oxford , he went to dwell at London : and as hée went towards London , he met with théeues , and they robbed him . And when he came to London , hee espied one of the théeues , and then he said to the sergeants of London , yonder man robbed me when I came from Oxford . The thiefe had spied Scogin talking with the sergeants , & fled his way . The sergeants followed the thiefe , the thiefe did run , and the sergeants after . One came to Scogin , and said , wherefore doth yonder men run so fast ? Scogin said for a wager , but the foremost man hath won , for lately he had all my mony from me . The sergeants cryed hold the thiefe : the thiefe said , hold me not , I do run for a wager . And when he was within S. Martins , he said , I haue run well now , or else I had béene hanged . Scogin told his wife he had parbraked a Crow . AFter a while that Scogin came to London , hee married a yong woman , taking her for a maid , as other men dee . At last he thought to proue his wife , and fained himselfe sicke . Oh good wife , saies he , I will shew you a thing , and if you will promise me to conceale it . His wife said , sir , you may tell mee what you will , I were worse then accursed , if I should disclose your counsell : O wife said Scogin , I had a great pang to day in my sicknesse , for I did parbrake and cast out a Crow . A Crow , said shée ? Yea , said Scogin , God helpe me . Be of good comfort , said she , you shall recouer and doe well . Well wife , said Scogin , goe to Church and pray for me : shée went to the Church , and by & by one of her gossips met with her , and asked how her husband did . I wi● said she , a sore sick man he is , and like to die , for there is an euill signe and token in him . What is that Gossip said shée ? Nay by gisse , I will not tell it to any man aliue . What said the woman , you may tell me , for I will neuer bewray your counsell : By gisse , said Scogins wife , if I wist that you wold kéep my counsel , I wold tel you . Then said the woman , whatsoeuer you doe tell , I will lay it dead vnder my féet . Oh said Scogins wife , my husband parbraked two Crowes . Jesus , said the woman , I neuer heard of such a thing . This woman as she did méet with another gossip of hers , shewed that Scogin had parbraked thrée crowes . So it went from one gossip to another , that ere Mattens were finished , all the parish knew that Scogin had parbraked twenty Crowes . And when the Priest was ready to goe into the Pulpit , one came to request him and all the Parish to pray for Scogin , for hee had parraked twenty Crowes . The Priest blessed him , and said to the Parishioners , I doe pray you pray for Scogin , for he is in perill of his life , and hath parbraked 21 Crowes . By and by one went to Scogin and said ; sir , is it as it is spoken in the Church of you ? What is that , said Scogin ? The Priest said in the Pulpit that you parbraked 2● Crowes : said Scogin , what a lie is this ? By & by the bels were told for sacring , and Scogin hied him to Church lustily & merry , and when the men & women did sée him in the Church , they looked vpon one another , and maruelled of this matter . After Masse , Scogin asked what were they that should bring vp such a tale vpon him . At last the matter was so boulted out , that the original of the cause began at Scogins wife . Here a man may sée , that it is hard to trust a woman with a mās secrets : wherfore it is good to proue a friend ere one haue néed . How Scogin caused his wife to be let blood . AFter that Scogins wife had played this aforesaid pranke , she vsed so long to go a gossipping , that if her husband had spoken any word contrary to her minde , shée would crow agains● him , that all the stréet should ring of it . Scogin thought it was time to breake his wife of such matters , and said to her , I would you would take other wayes , or else I will displease you . Displease me , said shee , beware that you doe not displease your selfe : Yea , said Scogin , I wil sée tha● one day , how you will displease me : she still continued in opprobrious words : ●t last Scogin called her into a chamber , & took one of his seruants with him , and said to her , Dame you haue a little hot & proud blood about your heart , and in your stomacke , and if it be not let out it will infect you and many mo : therefore be content , there is no remedy , but that blood must bée let out , I 〈◊〉 thée , said Scogins wife : ( and was vp in the house top ) yea , said he , come said Scogin to his seruant and let vs bind her to this forme : shee scratched and clawed them by the faces , and spurned with her feet so long that shee was weary : so at the last shée was bound hand and foot to the forme . Now said Scogin to his seruant goe fetch mee a Surgeon , or a Barbor that can let blood . The seruant went and brought a Surgeon , Scogin said to him , sir , it is so that my wife is mad , & doth 〈◊〉 and I haue béen with Physicians , and they haue counselled me to let her blood : she hath infectious blood about the hart , & I wold haue it out : sir said the surgeon , it shall be done . Sogin said , shée is so mad that she is bound to a forme . The better for that , said the surgeon : when Scogin and the surgeon entred into the chamber , shée made an exclamation vpon Scogin . Then said Scogin , you may sée that my wife is mad . I pray you let her blood both in the arme and in the foot , and vnder the tongue : Scogin & his man held out her arme and they did open a veine named Cardica . When shée had bled well , now stop that veine , said Scogin , and let her blood vnder the foot . When shée saw that , sir said she , forgiue me and I will neuer displease you hereafter : well said Scogin , if you do so , then I do thinke it shall be best for vs both : by this tale it proueth that it is a shrewd hurt that maketh the body fare the worse , and an vnhappy house where the woman is master . How Scogin and his wife made an Heire . ON a time they died in London , & Scogin & his wife did lie in the Countrey , & while hée did lie there , he did purchase a copihold , and went to aske counsell of a man of law , saying ; I haue purchased a copy-hold , & I am come to aske your counsel , and I will giue you for your labour : sir , said the man of law , your copy must be made 〈…〉 make as heire : sir said Scogin , in this matter I will goe home , & aske counsell of my wife , and to morrow I will come againe to you . Scogin went home & told his wife what the man of law had said , that the Copy must be made vnder the forme of law , & that it were good to make an heire . Then Scogin said , wife let vs goe to bed , & we will make an heire by and by . They went to bed , & Scogin pulled the shéet & the clothes ouer his own head and his wiues , and did let a great fart : now fiste thou woman said Scogin , and we shall haue an heire by & by : so long they lay together , that with stink they were almost choked . Ah , said Scogin to his wife , I will buy no more copihold , for it is nought to make an heir . On the morrow Scogin went to the man of Law , saying , sir , be you ready to goe to Westminster ? wherefore said the man of law ▪ Scogin said to make my copy : sir said the man of law , I can make it here in my house . Nay , said Scogin , you said to me yesterday that it must bée made vnder the forme of law , and in Westminster is the best forme of law in England ; and therefore let vs go sit vnder one of those formes . Tush said the man of law , the copy must be made according to the law , and beside you & your wife , set in the copy one of your children , why said Scogin , you bad me make an heire , and I and my wife made such an heir in our beds yesternight , that she & I were almost poysoned : whereby it appeares that mis-hearing of a tale , maketh mis-understanding therefore plaine spéech is best , although Scogin knew what was spoken , and turned it to a iest . How Scogin got the Abbots horse . ON a time Scogin was sent for to the Abbot of Bury , to pastime with them , where he fell sicke and like to die , whereupon he was shriuen & would haue béene hoasted , and hee durst not for feare of casting . T●e Abbot said , Crede & manducasti , that is to say , beléeue , and thou hast receiued . When Scogin recouered , the Abbot sent him his owne horse to ride home on . Scogin sent not home the Abbots horse , wherefore the Abbot sent for his horse , but Scogin answered the messenger , and said when I was sicke at home with your Master . I would haue receiued the holy Sacrament of the Altar , and he had me beléeue , & I had receiued the sacrament of the Altar : so in like manner , let him beléeue that he hath receiued his horse , and it is sufficient , and tell him his horse he shal neuer haue : by this a man may perceiue that a man should not lend his horse , nor his weapon , nor his wife to no man , if he loue himselfe , or his owne profit : for by it neuer commeth gaines . How Scogin brought a dogs turd made in powder to the Apothecaries , to know what powder it was . VVHen that Scogin did lie sicke at Bury , he sent to the Apothecaries of London for many medicines , and some were bitter , and some were sower , and some swéet . When he was recouered and made whole , and at home in his owne house , he walked about the fields , and found uppon a mole-hill , a white dogs turd , hee put it in a napkin , and after that he dried it in an oven , and made it into powder , and went to the Apothecaries in London , and said , my friend hath sent me a powder to eat , and I cannot tell what it is : the Apothecary tasted it , and they could not tel what powder it should be . At last he came to an old Apothecary , and said , sir I pray you tell me what powder this is . The old Apothecary tasted it , and spit it out againe , and said , fie cocks dodykins , that is a turd . O good Lord , said Scogin , cunning is worth much money , your fellowes here in the City haue good mouthes to tast lamp oyle , and you haue iudged right . Here a man may see that diuers times a man shall not onely haue a shrewd turne , but a mocke for his labour . How Scogin did draw a tooth-drawers tooth . ON a time there went a tooth-drawer round about the country , with a banner ful of téeth ( as blind Physitians and Surgeons doe now adayes ) the which tooth-drawer said , he wold draw out a tooth without any paine , which was false , for when he pulled out some mens téeth , he pulled out a péece of the cheek-bone ; & tooke many mens money , & did much harme , and little good At the last he came to Scogins house , & Scogin hearing of his doings , caused him to come in , and said , Sir you be called a cunning drawer of a tooth . I haue paine in a tooth , and I would it were out of my head : sir , said the tooth-drawer , & you will , I will haue it out without any paine . I pray you said Scogin , how will you doe ? sir , sayd he , I will raise the flesh about the tooth , and then with a strong threed I will pull it out : sir , said Scogin , I can pul out a tooth so : and because you say it is no paine to pul out a tooth so , I wil first pul out one of your teeth . Nay sir , said the tooth-drawer , I haue no paine in my teeth . Although you haue not , said Scogin . I will pull a tooth out of your head , and if you haue no paine , you shall haue an Angell for your tooth : but if you haue paine , you shall haue nothing : sir , said the tooth-drawer , I will haue none of my teeth pulled out . Scogin said to his seruant , bring me a paire of manacles , for surely I will pull out one of thy téeth , ere that thou shall pul out one of mine ; therefore sit down , and take it patiently , lest thou be put to greater pains . The tooth-drawer sate him downe with an euill will , & Scogin did raise the flesh about the tooth-drawers tooth , that it was in such case , that the water did runne downe the tooth-drawers eyes . Scogin said , doth the water runne forth of your eyes for ioy , or else for paine ? The tooth-drawer said for ioy , for I trust to get an Angell of you , Bee it , said Scogin . Scogin did knit a strong ●hreed about the 〈◊〉 ●oth-drawers tooth , and gaue it a great twitch . Oh , said the tooth-drawer what doe you feele pain , said Scogin ? yea said th●●●oth-drawer , you pull not quickly . Then said Scogin , you haue lost your ●ngell : Nay , said the tooth-drawer : well , said Scogin , the tooth shall come now I trow , and Scogin did twitch and pul hard at the tooth , and pulled it out . Out alasse said the tooth-drawer : Why said Scogin cry you out ? Marry saith the tooth-drawer , the deuill would cry out of this paine : Sir , said Scogin you taught me how I should doe , and you haue lost your Angell : and séeing your cunning is no better , I will haue neuer a tooth pulled out now : and if you pull any of my neighbours téeth after such sort as you haue done , if you come in my walke , I will pull out all the téeth in your head . Eat and drinke ere you goe , and so farewell . How Scogin serued the poore folkes that came to his house to aske almes . WHiles Scogin did lye thus in the Country , there resorted to his house vagabonds and common beggers , and when hee did sée hée could not be rid of them , he said ; come this day fortnight , for then I doe giue money for my friends soule . Scogin had an old barne , that was ready to fall downe , and in the meane time hee stopped all the holes with firre bushes , broome , old fearne , and straw , and laid such trumpery about the barne . The day appointed , all the vagabonds and beggers in the Country resorted vnto Scogins house , & as they did come , they wet put into the barne , and said they should haue the● almes within a while . Scogin kept them fasting till thrée or foure of the clocke in the afternoone and then he commanded his seruants priuily 〈◊〉 set fire on the straw , & the furres round about th● bar●e , which was done . At last when the vaga● bonds & beggers did sée that they were compasse● round with fire , they said one to another , we mu●● run through the fire in some place , or else we sha●● be burnt vp : so some ran through the fire in on● place , and some in another , and durst not look behind them . Scogin cryed , saying , ●ary whorson whores , you haue set my barne on fire , you shal● be hanged euery one . They fled for feare , & neuer durst come againe to Scogins house for almes Here a man may sée euery promise is kept , or els● broken , and it is good for euery man to kéepe himselfe out of the danger of all men , and especially of great men . How Scogin came to the Court like a foole , and wonne twenty pounds with standing vnder a spout in the raine . VVHen Scogin had dwelt in the country , he returned againe to London , and fel● acquainted with Gentlemen of the Kings priuy chamber , which would faine that he should come to the Court , and they would bring him into the Kings seruice . Scogin was more beholding to one Gentleman , then to all the other , and said to him , sir I will come to the Court like a dizard or foole , and when that I come , I will aske for you , and when that we doe meet , call me aside , that I may speake with you : so on a rainy day Scogin came to the Court like a foole , and the Kings Porters asked what he would haue , and hee said my fellow sir Neuill : What manner of man is he , said the Porters ? Scogin said , he hath a nose , and goeth vp and downe on two legges : Then said the Porters this is a starke Ideot foole , doest thou know thy master , said the Porter , and if thou se●st him ? I know him , said Scogin , by his ●ap . Then said the Porters the one to the other , who doe you thinke should be this fooles master ? some said one , some said another ; at the last one said , I trow hee bee Sir William Neuils Foole. When Scogin heard him say so , hee leapt about and did laugh . Then one of the Porters went to Sir William Neuill , and asked him if hee had not a Foole. Yes said Sir William Neuill : marry said the Porter , it is a mad merry Foole. Yea , said Sir William Neuill , hee is a very Jdest , he is not wise : Said the Porter , shall hee come to you ? Nay , said Sir William Neuil , I will goe my selfe to the Foole. When Sir William Neuill and Scogin did méet , Sir William Neuill sayd , A Tom , how dost thou ? ( it rained ●ore ) and Scogin said , I cannot bee in rest , for these knanes doe powre water still vpon me , and no man touched him , but the rain that fell down ) Well Tom , said Sir William Neuill , come with me , and thou shalt goe to the fire and dry thée . He brought him to his chamber , and then said Scogin to Sir William Neuill , goe and say , you haue a naturall foole come to you , and if he were set vnder one of the spouts that doe runne so fast with rain water , he will not come out . And make some great wager with some great man , and lay downe the money , that I will stand still vnder the spout , vntill the time that I bee fetcht away by you , for I lacke money , and I care not , said Scogin to be wet . Then sir William went round about the Court with his foole , and another Knight met with him , and said , What , haue you got a foole ? yea , said Sir William Neuill , hee is such a foole , that if hee bee set vnder one of these spouts of the leads that runneth now with raine-water , hee will neuer come away , vntill I doe fetch him out of it . It is not so , said the Knight : yes , said Sir William Neuill , and on that I will lay twenty pound : I hold it , said the Knight , lay downe the money . Scogin was glad of that : then sir William Neuill said , Tom , come with me , and thou shalt haue a figge . A fig fellow , said Scogin , where is it ? Come said Sir William Neuill , and thou shalt sée . He brought him vnder one of the spouts that did runne with water , and said , here is water to wash thy fig , stand stil & I will bring thée a fig by & by : Sir William Neuill departed , and Scogin stood so long vnder the spout , crying and calling for his fellow sir William Neuill , that the water ran out at his heeles and his bréethes , as fast as it did fall into his necke , and vpon his head and body , still calling & crying vpon his fellow sir William Neuill . ●he Knight séeing this , thought hee should lose his bargaine , said to sir William Neuill Will you giue mee leaue to entice him away by any craft or policy ? yea , said sir William Neuill , I am pleased , doe what you can , so that by no strength ou take him away : Nay said the Knight , that I wil not . ●he knight went to Scogin and said , A Tom , thy Master hath left thée alone , and is dead , come with me to a fire , and dry thee . Tehée said Scogin , fellow hoe , where art thou ? why said the Knight , thy fellow is dead , come and eat figs with me . Nay said Scogin , 〈◊〉 y fellow will giue me a better fig then you will. The Knight meant of a figge , but Scogin meant of the money that was laid on the bargaine , in the which hee did know that his part was , so that by no manner of meanes , nor policy , or craft , no man could get Scogin from standing vnder the spont . Euery man pitied Scogin , and said , this ●●ole will dye vnder the spout then said the Knight and euery man , goe you master Neuil● and fetch him away , for it is a foole of all fooles Then said Sir William Neuil● , if I fetch him away I haue wonne the bargaine . The Knight said , it is so . Then sir William Neuill went to Scogin , and as soone as Scogin had espyed him , he leapt and danced vnder the spout , saying , hast thou brought my fig ? no ●om , said Sir William Neuill but come with me , and thou shalt goe to a fire . Nay said Scogin , giue mee a fig. Come with me , said Sir William Neuill and thou shalt haue a fig. Sir William Neuill brought him to his chamber , where he had a good fire , and gaue him the wager that was won . How Scogin leapt ouer the Tables when dinner was done . SCogin did marke the fashions of the Court , & amongst all other things , her did marke how men did leape ouer the table in the Kings Hall , to sit downe to dinner and supper , which is not vsed now . Scogin seeing this , that as many as did sit at the Table had meat , and they that stood in the hall beside , had none , all that time he made shift for himselfe . And when dinner was done , and all the tables taken vp , Scogin set out trestles and leapt ouer them , and leapt ouer the tables , and leapt from one table to another , that euery body maruelled what he meant . At last one did aske of him what hee meant by leaping ouer the tables . Scogin said , I doe learne against supper to leape to sit downe , for he that cannot leap , getteth no meat here . Therefore to forecast , and some prouision is good at all times . How Scogin gaue one a Goose legge , that was giuen him , and afterward told him he had eaten an hundred lice . IN the Court one gaue Scogin a goose leg , saying , hold Tom , eat this . Hee put it in his bosome . At last he came to one , and gaue him the goose leg : and within a while after Scogin met with the man vnto whom he had giuen the goose leg ? & said to him : Hast thou eaten the goose leg ? the man said , yea : Much good do it thee , said Scogin , thou hast eaten an hundred lice . The man took a conceit , & did cast vp all his meat againe . Here it is good to mark that a man beléeue not euery word that another doth speake ; for some doe lie , some do iest , some doe mock , and some do scorn , and many men doe say the very truth . How Scogin swept a Lords Chamber . SCogin on a time was desired to swéepe a Lords chamber , and when he had swept al the dust together , hee threw it out against the wind , and the wind blew it againe into his face . Then said Scogin to the wind , let mee cast out my duff whorson I say . Euery man laughed at Scogin , seeing him to chide with the wind . How Scogin told those that mocked him , that he● had a wall eye . SCogin went vp and downe in the Kings hall , and his hosen hung downe , and his 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 awry , and his hat stood a booniour , so euery man did mocke Scogin , some said hee was a proper man , and did weare his rayment cleanly : some said , the whorson foole could not put on his owne rayment : same said one thing and some said another : at last Scogin said , Masters , you haue praised me wel , but you did not espy one thing in me . What is that Tom , said the men ? Marry said Scogin , I haue a wall eye . What meanest thou by that , said the men ? Marry , said Scogin , I haue spyed a sort of knaues that doe mocke me , and are worse sooles themselues . How Scogin drew his sonne vp and downe the Court. AFter this , Scogin went from the Court and put off his fooles garments , and came to the Court like an honest man , and brought his son to the Court with him , and within the Court he drew his son vp and downe by the heeles . The boy cried out , and Scogin drew the boy in euery corner . At last euery man had pity on the boy , and said , sir , what doe you meane to draw the boy about the Court ? Masters , said Scogin , he is my sonne , and I doe it for this cause ; euery man doth say , that that man , or child , which is drawne vp in the Court , shall be the better as long as hee liues : and therefore I will euery day once draw him vp and downe the Court , after that hee may come to preferment in the end . How Scogin greased a fat sow on the arse . SCogin had got a fat Sow , & killed her vnder the Court wall , besides the Kings gate , hee made a great fire , and got a great spit , & put the Sow on the spit , & rosted her , and bought twenty pounds of butter , and still hee powred the butter with a ladle on the sowes buttocks Diuers men came to him , and said , why dost thou grease this fat sow on the arse ? He said , I doe as Kings and Lords , and euery man else doth ; for hee that hath enough , shall haue more , and he that hath nothing shall go without , and this sow needeth no basting nor greasing , for she is fat enough , yet shall shee haue more then enough . How the King gaue Scogin a house to doe what he would with it . SCogin through Sir William Neuils procuration or preferment , was brought to the Kings presence . The King said to him , Art thou he that did play the foole in my Court , and didst leaps to and fro in my Hall ouer the tables ? Yea , and it like your Grace , said Scogin . And art thou hee that did grease the fat sow on the arse ? Yea , said Scogin . And why didst thou so ? said the King : Scogin said , I doe as your Grace doth , and all your Lords as well spirituall as temporall and as all rich men doe , which doe giue to them that haue enough , more then enough , and hee which hath nothing , except he bee an importunate crauer , shall goe without , and vnlesse that hee haue some man to speake for him , hee may goe pipe in an Juy leafe . Why said the King , what liuing hast thou ? Nothing , said Scogin , nor neuer a house of mine owne to put my head in . Would God , said Scogin , that I might haue some Cottage to dwell in . The King said , if thou wilt bee my Seruant , I will giue thee a house in Cheapside . I thanke your Grace , said Scogin , but I pray you giue it me , so that I may doe with my house what I will. Yea , said the King , make thy writings after thine owne mind , with the best counsel that thou canst , and it shal be sealed . Scogin was glad of that , and he did make to do with his house what hee would , his writings sealed with the Kings signe Mannel . A little after the sealing , Scogin did buy a load of firres , and two load of straw , and did cause it to bee cast downe in Cheapeside , before the house that the King did giue him . Diuers men did maruell what it should meane . And within a while , Scogin with his men of Law , and other , did come to the house to take possession : so after the forme of law he tooke possession . Then said Scogin , this house is old , and to pul it downe were a great cost and charge ; wherefore I will burne it vp with these firres & straw : peraduenture I will make of it a Church , or Chappell , that a Priest may sing for mee , so long as the world doth continue . Goe , said Scogin to his seruants , & fetch me hither some men to carry into my house straw and firres : sir , said the good man of the house , I pray take a little respite , I haue goods in your house , and you cannot burne your house , but you shall hurt the whole street . What is that to me , said Scogin , I haue no charter of my life , I am about a charitable act for my soules health : for charity first must bee shewed to a mans owne selfe , and after that to his neighbour : sir , said the Merchant that was good man of the house , let it stand , and I and my neighbours will giue you as much as it is worth . Nay , said Scogin , I will not sell it . ●hen said the Merchant , what shall I and my neighbours giue you to let it stand still , and I will pay you more then it was rented for before ? There goeth a bargaine , said Scogin , goe to all your neighbours , and bring me word what they will giue me The neighbours did cast their heads together , & considering that hee was ( as they thought ) in the Kings fauor , would gladly giue him 40 pounds . When Scogin heard these tidings , he was glad , and said , come bring mee the money , and I am contented that my house shall stand still , so that it may bee ouer rented according to my tenants promise . Thus Scogin by policy got money . How Scogin played horse play in the Q. chamber . SCogin said on a time to the Quéene then being , Madam , and it like your Grace , will you haue horse play playd in your chamber ? Yea , said the Queene . Scogin vntrussed his points , and put downe his bréeches , as if hee would haue bewrayd the chamber , and then kicked with his héeled , and said , wehée . Then hee said to his seruant , come and combe me here , and then turne and kicke and winse with thy heeles , and say , wehee . Out knaue , said the Queen , out of my chamber . Scogin went out of the chamber , saying , That he did it not , but by her leaue ; and with her leaue hee might doe her a great peece of seruice . After that the Quéen would haue no more horse-play in her chamber . Therefore it is good for a man to know what will happen , before hee giue leaue to a businesse . How Scogin let a fart , and sayd it was worth forty pounds . THat time that Scogin was conuersant , both in the Kings chamber , and in the Queenes , Scogin would peake here and there , about in the Queenes chamber , or lodging : the Quéene by custome , ( as most commonly all great women , and Ladies , and Gentlewomen doe : ) shee let a fart , saying , the same is worth to mee twenty pound . Scogin hearing this , girt out a fa●t like a horse or mare , saying , if that fart be so deare of twenty pound , my fart is worth forty pounds . Pere a man may sée , that a knaue may doe that which an honest man may not speake . How Scogin asked of the King fiue hundred okes . ON a time Scogin said to the King then being , and if it shall please your Grace to giue me fiue hundred Okes to build me a house in the country , I were much bound to your Grace . The king said , will not an hundred Okes serue thée ? Yes & it like your Grace , said Scogin , it would do me good ease . Well sayd the King , as for an hundred Okes thou shalt haue with the better . I doe thank your Grace , said Scogin , for if I had asked but an hundred Okes at the first , I had had but twenty . Therefore it is good to aske enough of great men , for then he shall haue somewhat . How Scogin would haue made a shepheard aske him blessing . ON a certaine time the King rode a progresse , and Scogin rode with the King , and as they did ride , Scogin spied a shepheard , and then hee said to the King , I will make yonder shepheard to aske me blessing , for I will face him downe that I am his god-father . Let me sée that said the King. Scogin did pricke forth his horse , and saluted the shepheard , saying , Good fellow where wert thou borne ? He said in Lewksbury . Yea , said Scogin , I doe know that better then thou dost , for I am thy Godfather , I am he that did lift thée from the cold water . Nay , not so , said the fellow , I know my God-father . Scogin said , I am one of them , therefore sit down on thy knées , and aske mee blessng , and thou shalt haue a groat . Nay , sayd the Shepheard , I will none of your groat , nor I will not sit down on my knées : No , said Scogin , if thou wilt not sit downe and aske me blessing , I will make thée ; therefore do it by saire meanes . I will , sayd the shepheard , aske of thée no blessing . Scogin leapt downe off his horse , and drew out his wood-knife , saying , sit downe thou old knaue , and doe thy duty to thy god-father . The shepheard said , put vp thy knife , or else I will blesse thée with me shéep-hook , yea , said Scogin , that would I faine sée : Scogin did flie at the shepheard , and the shepheard at him , that at the last Scogin did bear off the shepheards blowes with his head and shoulders , & elbowes . The King séeing that Scogin had the worst , said , stand to him Scogin , stand to him Scogin . Scogin answered the King , I would you stood as nigh to him as I doe : for then he would not only beat out all the dust in your coat , but make some of your gingles flye about your face . Scogin was weary of his god-fathership , and ran to his horse . The shepheard followed him , and gaue him thrée or foure good stripes ouer the backe & shoulders , saying , take your leaue good god-father of your child are you goe . Scogin leapt vpon his horse , and rode to the King. Then the King said to Scogin , haue you giuen your blessing to your god-sonne , or hath your god-sonne blessed you ? I hen said Scogin . a man cannot haue a shrewd turne , but he must be also mocked for his labour . Here a man may see , that diuers times a man may do a thing in sport , and at the last it doth turne into good earnest . How Scogin gaue a Cowheard forty shillings to teach him his cunning in the weather . ON a time as Scogin was riding to the Abbot of Bury , hée asked of a Cowheard how far it was to Bury . The Cowheard said twenty miles . May I , said Scogin , ride thither to night : Yea , said the Cowheard , if you ride not too fast , & also if you ride not a good pace , you will be wet ere you come halfe way there . As Scogin was riding on his way , he did sée a cloud arise that was blacke , and being afraid to be wet , he spurred his horse and did ride a great pace , and riding so fast , his horse stumbled and strained his leg , & might not goe . Scogin reuoluing in his mind the Cow-heards words , did set vp his horse at a poore mans house , and returned to the Cowheard , supposing that he had beene a good Astronomer , because hée said , if you ride not too fast , you may be at Bury to night , and also if you doe not ride fast , you shal be wet ere you come there . Scogin said to the Cowheard , what shall I giue thee to tell mée , when I shall haue raine or faire weather ? There goeth a bargain said the Cowheard : what wilt thou giue me ? Scogin said , twenty shillings . Nay said the Cowheard for forty shillings I will tell you and teach you , but I will bee paid first . Hold the money said Scogin . The Cowheard said , Sir doe you sée yonder Cow with the cut taile ? Yea , said Scogin : sir , said the Cowheard , when that she doth begin to set vp her rumpe , & draw to a hedge or bush , within an houre after you shall haue raine : therfore take the Cow with you , and keepe her as I doe , and you shall euer be sure to know when you shall haue faire weather or foule . Nay said Scogin , kéepe thy Cow still , and giue me twenty shillings of my mony . That is of my gentlenes said the Cowheard , howbeit you séeme to bee an honest man , there is twenty shillings . Here a man may sée , that wit is neuer good till it be bought . How a man told Scogin , that he thought the building of Paules cost forty shillings . ON a time a poore man did come to London , to speake with Scogin , and Scogin had him to Paules Church to talke with him , & both walked round about the Church : the poore man said , here is a goodly Church . Yea , said Scogin , what doe you thinke it cost making ? The poore husbandman said , I trow it cost vorty shilling . Yea , said Scogin that it did , and vorty shilling thereto . Ho there said the poore man. Here a man may sée , that little portion of money is a great sum in a poore mans purse , and he that is ignorant in a matter , should be no iudge . Of him that thought Paules steeple had beene so high , that one might looke ouer it . THis aforesaid poore man desired that hée might sée Paules steeple , that euery one sayd was so high . Scogin had the man into Finsbury field , & shewed him Pauls , saying ; yonder is Pauls stéeple . Tush , said the man , is that so high a stéeple : a man may looke ouer it . The poore man thought it had béene so high , that no man might sée or looke ouer it . And thus you may see what the effect of simplicity is . How Scogin desired the King that hee might say , Aue Maria gratia plena , Dominus tecum , in his eare at certaine times . ON a certain time Scogin went to the kings Grace , and did desire that he might come to him diuers times and sound in his eares , Aue Maria gratia plena , Dominus tecum . The King was content he should doe so except hée were in great businesse Nay , said Scogin , I will marke my time : I pray your Grace that I may do thus this tweluemoneth , I am pleased said the King. Many men were suters to Scogin to bée good to them , and did giue him many gifts and rewards of gold and siluer , and other gifts , so that within the yéere , Scogin was a great rich man : so when this yeere was out , Scogin desired the King to breake his fast with him . The King said , I will come . Scogin had prepared a Table for the King to breake his fast , and made him a goodly Cubboor● of plate of gold and siluer , and hée had cast ouer all his beds and tables , and co ners of his chamber full of gold and siluer : when the King did come thither , and see so much plate , and gold , and siluer , he asked of Scogin where he had it , and how he did get all this treasure ? Scogin said , by saying the Aue Maria in your eare , and séeing I haue got so much by it , what doe they get that be about your Grace daily , and bee of your counsell , when that I with sixe words speaking haue gotten so much ? He must needs swim that is held vp by the chin . How Scogin chalked out his wife the way to Church . ON a time Scogins wife desired him that hée would let her haue a man to goe before her when shée went abroad , or to Church . Why said Scogin , know you not the way to the Church ? The next sunday he arose betime in the morning and tooke a péece of chalke , and made a strike all along the way from his house to the Church . When his wife would goe to the Church , shée desired him again that one of his seruants might goe before her to Church . It shall not néed said Scogin , for if you follow this chalke it will bring you the right way to the Church doore : so Scogins wife was faine to goe to Church without a 〈◊〉 How Scogin desired of the Queene to know whether riches would not tempt men , and especially women . ON a time Scogin was iesting with the Queene , and said , Madam , riches , as gold , siluer , precious stones , and dignity doe tempt men , and especiall women very sore , and cause women to fall to lechery and folly . The Queene said , a good woman would neuer bée tempted with gold or siluer , or other riches . I pray you Madam , said Scogin , if there were a goodly Lord or a Knight , that would giue you forty thousand pound to dally with you , what would you say to it ? The Quéene said if any man liuing would giue an hundred thousand pounds , I would not léese my honesty for it . Then said Scogin , what if a man did giue you an hundred thousand thousand pounds , what would you doe ? I would said the Quéene , doe no folly for so much . Then said Scogin , what if a man did giue you this house full of gold ? The Quéene said , a woman would doe much for that . Loe , said Scogin , if a man had g●ods enough , he might haue a soueraigne Lady . For the which words the Queene tooke high displeasure with Scogin . Wherfore it doth appeare , that it is not good iesting with Lords or Ladies : for if a man be plaine , or doe tell the truth , hée shall be shent for his labour . How Scogin when he should haue beene beaten amongst the Ladies and Gentlemomen , bad the strongest whore of them all giue the first stroke . THe Quéene taking high displeasure with Scogin , desired of the King to haue Scogin punished , The King said , punish him as it shall please you . The Queene said to her Ladies and Gentlewomen , get euery one of you a napkin , & lay a stone in it , and let halfe of you stand at the one side of the chamber , & the other halfe at the other side , & when that Scogin shall come through , you shal strik him with your stones . Scogin was sent for , and he séeing the Quéene , & the Ladies , and the Gentlewomen , standing at euery side on a row , Scogin said , shall we haue here a play , or a procession ? Nay knaue said the Quéene , thou hast diuers times played the knaue with me , and I haue licence of the King to punish thée as I shall thinke best : wherfore come hither to me , for euery Lady and Gentlewoman that is here , shall beat thée with stones . God forbid , said Scogin , for then you will kill me ; it were better that I did beat you with stones . But Madam , ere I haue this great punishment , let me speak a few words shall I put off my rayment , and come naked among you ? No , not so said the Quéene , come through as thou art . And if I goe through you , said Scogin , I shall kill you . Come forth said the Quéen . I come said Scogin , & the strōgest whore of you all strike the first stroke . The Ladies & the Gentlewomen looked one vpon another , one said I am no whore , the other said , I am as honest of my body as the best of you all , so there fell a contention among them Then Scogin said , Madam & it like your Grace , will you command mée any more seruice ? Goe knaue said the Quéene , & bid thy wife come & speake with me . Scogin said , & it like your Grace my wife cannot heare , except you speak very high : let her come said the Quéen , and I will deale with her well enough . How Scogins wife came to the Queene , and how Scogin was banished the Court. WHen Scogins wife came to the Court , shée was brought to the Quéene , the Quéene with a high voyce said to Scogins wife , art thou Scogins wife ? Scogin had shewed his wife before that the Queene could not heare , & she cryed out to the Quéen , & said , yea Madam , I am Scogins wife . The Queene cryed out to Scogins wife , and said , if thou bée no honester then thy husband , it is pity that thou shouldest liue , wherfore counsel him that he do not raile so largely as hée doth with me . Scogins wife cryed out to the Quéen , saying and it like yeur Grce he wil not be ruled by me : why dost thou cry out so loud said the Quéen ? Madam , said Scogins wife , my husband shewed me , that you could not heare . Why what a knaue is that , said the Quéen , he told me that thou couldst not heare . Alas , said Scogins wife , I aske you mery , for I had thought you could not heare . Well , said the Quéene , I will be euen with the varlet thy husband , for mocking thée & me . Whereupon the Quéene went to the King , saying ; I pray your Grace that you would banish Scogin from the Court. The King sent for Scogin , & said thou hast displeased the Quéen , wherefore I doe banish thée the Court , & if thou doe come hither any more , my hounds and dogs shall be set vpon thee . Scogin went his way , and within two or thrée daies he had got a quick hare & was going to the Court : when the Kings seruants had espied him , they shewed the King that Scogin was come to the Court. The King said ; take all the hounds and dogs , and set them vpon Scogin . Euery man did run , some with hounds , and some with dogs . Scogin made no great hast . When the Kings seruants had espied him , they did maintaine their dogges to runne at Scogin . When the hounds were nigh Scogin , he cast before them the quick Hare , and said to the hounds ; Now , now , whoresons . The Hounds espied the Hare , and followed her , and left Scogin : so Scogin went to the Court , and the Hare escaped from the Hounds . The Kings seruants shewed what Scogin had done , whereupon the King sent for Scogin , and said , thou didst cast a Hare before my Dogges , when they were set vpon thée , goe and looke out the said Hare , or else thou shalt suffer death . The said Scogin , I can get you another quicke Hare , but it will bée hard for me to find out the selfe same Hare . I wil haue the selfe same Hare said the King : why said Scogin , I cannot tell where , or whither I shoud goe to looke him . The King said , thou must looke him as well where he is not , as where he is . Wel said Scogin , then I trust to find him out : Scogin in the morning did goe vpon the Kings leades , & tooke with him a pickare and a great béetle , and ouer the King he tore vp the leades , and did beat down the battlement : some of the priuy chamber séeing this , went to Scogin , and said ; what art thou doing thou mad fellow ? What am I doing , said Scogin , I am doing the Kings commandement . Why said the Gentleman , the King did not command thée to cast downe his palace . Wel said Scogin , if I doe otherwise then I was commanded to doe , shew your mind to the King. The Gentleman went to the King , and said ; Did you command Scoggin to cast downe the battlement of your place , and to pull vp your Lead ? Nay said the King. The Gentleman said , that Scogin was making a foule worke vpon the leades . Goe said the King , & bid him come speake with me . Scogin came to the King , which said to him , why doest thou pull vp my lead , & cast down the battlement of my place ? Scogin said , I was doing your commandement . My commandement said the king ? yea said Scogin , & it like your Grace , for yesterday you did command me vpon paine of my life , to looke out the Hare that I did cast among your hounds , & I said , I could not tell where I should looke him : and you said , I must looke him as wel where he was not , as where he was : and peraduenture he is crept vnder the leads of this place , or else some other of your places ; and I will séeke & search all the places in England , but I will find out the Hare . Nay , said the King , thou shalt not doe so , for I charge thee vpon paine of thy death , to goe out of my Realme , and to tread vpon none of my ground here in England . How Scogin in the French Kings Court , came to a Gentlewomans doore , and whined like a dog . WHen Scogin was thus commanded by the King , hee got him into France , into the French Kings Court , & there he iested . And first there was a Gentleman which made a gentlewoman promise to come to her bed at nine a clock at night , he did promise to come to her chāber doore , and would scrape & s●rtch at the doore like a dog , and would whine . Scogin hearing this bargaine , before nine a clocke came to the doore , and scrapt with his nailes , and did whine like a dog . Then the Gentlewoman did rise and let him in ; within a little while after , the Gentleman did come , and scrape & whine at the doore like a dog . Scogin arose and went to the doore , and said , arre , arre , like another dog . And after that , the french Gentlewoman did loue and Englishman . Wherefore in such matters , let a man make no body of his counsell , lest he be deceiued . How Scogin told the French men he would flye into England . ON a time Scogin made the Frenchmen beléeue that hée would flie into England , and did get him many goose wings , and tyed them about his armes and legs , and went vpon an high tower , and spread his armes abroad as though he would flie , and came downe againe , and said , that all his feathers were not fit about him , and that hée would flie on the morrow . On the morrow hée got him vp vpon the Tower , and there was much people gathered together to sée him flie . Scogin did shake his feathers , and said , all my feathers be not fit about me , come to morrow , & I will fly . On the morrow Scogin got vpon the Tower , and did shake his feathers , saying , Goe home fooles , goe home , trow you that I will breake my necke for your pleasure ? nay , not so . There was a French man had indignation at Scogin and he said , to morrow you shall sée mée flie to Paris . And he got him wings , and went vp vpon the Tower , and spread his wings abroad , and would haue flowne , and fell downe into the mote vnder the Tower. Euery man was diligent to get the man out of the water , and Scogin did take him by the hand , and said , sir you be welcome from Paris . I thinke you haue béene in a great raine . Here a man may see that one cannot haue a shrewd turne in playing the foole , but he shall haue a mocke for his labour . How Scogin prayed to a Roode for an hundred French Crownes . VVHen Scogin was at Paris , hée went to a Church , & knéeled down before the Rood , and made his prayers as hereafter followeth : O thou most blessed God , whom I haue honoured & serued all my life , take so much pity on me , as to giue me but a hundred french crowns , for now my néed is so great that I must needes haue so much , & no lesse , for if I haue but one lesse , I will not take it . Scogin still continued his prayers , & wold haue no lesse then a hundred french crowns The Parson of the Church was in the Rood-loft , and heard all his prayers , and thought hee would try him , whether he would doe as hee said or no , and went & did stand behind the Rood , and cast downe before Scogin one French Crowne : Scogin seeing this , was glad , and said ; O thou most blessed Lord , thou knowest that this will doe me but little pleasure . Scogin continued still in his prayers , and desired the Roode to cast him downe the rest , declaring what great need he had . At the last when he saw there would no more be cast downe , he said , perchance , O Lord , thou hast no more money here now , and therefore I will take this in part of payment , till thou hast more store : for I know , O most blessed Lord , that thou art so pitifull a Lord , that if thou hadst so much here , I should haue it , and then he tooke vp the french Crowne and went his way . When the Parson saw this , he repented him that he had cast downe the French Crowne , and said ; If I had thought thou wouldest haue had it , I would not haue cast it downe to lose it so easily . How Scogin was new christened , and confirmed a knaue by the French Bishop . THere was a Bishop in France , which was of the French kings Priuy Counsell . This Bishop had a man , whose name was Peter Arcadus : This Peter Arcadus fauoured Scogin much because he was so merry , in so much , that hee got Scogin to be his chamberfellow , through whose procuration Scogin came in fauour with the Bishop . And on a time , Scogin in his iesting said , that the Bishops nose was so long , that hee could kisse no body : for which the Bishop was angry , and commanded him to come no more within his gates . Then Scogin went and bought a couple of Woodcocks , and because he could not be suffered to come in at the Bishops gate , he got a long pole or rafter , the which he laid ouer the mote or ditch of the Bishops house , intending to come vnto the Bishop , and giue him the woodcocks for a present . As Scogin was halfe way ouer the rafter slipt , and he fell into the Mote : at last , Scogin got out , and came in where hee found the Bishop at dinner , and said ; If it please your honour , here I haue brought you a couple of Woodcockes . The Bishop seeing him , said , why thou knaue , I commanded thée to come no more within thy gates . Scogin said , I came not in at your gates , for I came ouer your mote , where I was new christened , and now you haue confirmed me a knaue , so by this meanes I must néeds be a knaue : Therefore I desire you my Lord , not to bee displeased , although I play the knaue . Where at the Bishop and all that were in the house laughed , and then the Bishop said , I will pardon you for this time , so that hereafter you will be an honest man. How Scogin deceiued a Doctor of Physicke . THere was one Master Cranwood a Doctor of Physicke in Paris , and hee in a morning did fetch from a Gold-smith a siluer Cup , the which he had bargained for the day before , and he payed for it 26 french crowns , the which when he came home , he deliuered to his wife , and bad her set it vp in her bubbord , and he told her hee would goe visit his patients All this Scogin saw , and drew so néere to the Doctor , that he heard what he did say to his wife , and when he was gone to his patients , Scogin went to the market and bought a Pickerell , for it was on a sriday , and came to mistres Cranwood the Doctors wife , and said , Mistresse , your Husband here hath sent you here a Pickerell , which he doth desire you to make ready against dinner , for he intendeth to haue one of his friends to dine with him to day , and he prayeth you to send him by me the siluer cup that hée bid you set vp in your Cubboord , for he will haue the Gold-smith graue his name in it . Mistresse Cranwood deliuered to Scogin the Cup , who incontinent went home to his chamber-fellow Peter , and told him what hee had done . When the Doctor came home , and did sée such good chéere , hee asked his wife where shée had the Pickerell : shée smiled on him , and said , sir you know well enough , for you sent it mee in the morning by him that brought you your siluer Cup. Why said the Doctor , I sent you no Pickerell , nor no body brought me my siluer cup : yes that you did , said his wife , for he that came for it , said , that you would haue your name grauen in it . When the Doctor did perceiue that hée was deceiued of his Cup , he began to chafe with his wife , and at the last said , I trow he might well giue a Pickerell , séeing he hath for it my siluer Cup , which cost 26 Crownes . How Scogin and three or foure more deceiued Tapster . ON a night Scogin and his chamber-fellow and two or thrée of the Bishops seruants being merrily disposed , consult how they might haue good chéere and pay no money , and euery one inuented a way as they thought best . At las● Scogin said , I haue inuented a cleanly shift : At the signe of the Crowne against Peters Church , is a new Tapster , which ere this hath not séene any of vs , and he is also purblind , so that if he sée vs hereafter , he cannot know vs Therefore wée will goe thither and make good chéere , and when we haue a reckoning , we will contend who shall pay all , then will I say to auoid the contention , that the Tapster shal be blinded , and we wil run round about him , and whosoeuer he catcheth first let him pay for all , and so we may escape away . Euery man liked Scogins deuice best , so in conclusion they came thither , and had good chéere , for they spared no cost : so that in the end their reckoning drew to ten shillings . Then as Scogin had deuised afore they did . The Tapster was blinded , so they ran round about him , and fist Scogin got out , and then another , so that at the last they got all away , and left the tapster groping in euery place about the house for him that should pay the shot . The master of the house being in a chamber next to the place where they were , and hearing the stamping that they made , came in to sée what they did , whom the Tapster caught in his armes , saying , sir you must pay the reckoning . Marry said his Master , so I thinke I must indéed , for here is no body else to pay it . Then the Tapster and his Master sought and enquired for Scogin , and the rest , but they could neither ●nd them , nor heare newes of them . How Scogin deceiued the Poulters wife . ON a time the aforesaid Bishop should feast diuers French Lords , and hee gaue vnto Peter Archadus ( Scogins chamber-fellow ) twenty French Crownes to bestow at the Poulters , in Feasant , Partridge , Ploner , Quaile , Woodcock , Larke and such other : and because Scogins chamber-fellow had great busines to do , he wrote all such things as he would haue bought in a bill , and desired Scogin to bestow the money , who was well contented . When Scogin had this money , he imagined in his mind how hee might deceiue some Poulter , and so to haue the money to himselfe . At last hee came to a Poulter in Paris , and said , sir , it is so that my Master the Abbot of Spilding , doth feast a great many of his friends , and I must haue so many of euery sort of your wares as is mentioned in this bill , therefore I pray you lay them out quickly , and let the bill be prised reasonably , and to morrow in the morning I will fetch them , and you shall haue your money . The wares were laid out and prized , and the sum came to sixe pound and odde money . Then on the morrow Scogin did come to the Poulter , and asked if euery thing were ready . Yea , said the Poulter , & here is your bill reasonably prized . Then said Scogin , let some body goe with me for to receiue your money : the Poulter said , my wife shal goe with you . Scogin went to S. Peters Church , where there was a Priest that had on his Albe , and was ready to goe to Masse : Scogin went to the Priest , and said ; Master , here is a woman that will not bee perswaded that her Husband ought to be her head , and I haue brought her to you , to the intent you should perswade her . The Priest said , he would doe what he could . I thanke you , said Scogin . Then Scogin came to the woman , and said , if you will haue your money , come to my Master , and heare what he doth say . Then Scogin came to the Priest , and said , Master , here is the woman , will you dispatch her after Masse is done ? yea , said the Priest . Then said Scogin to the woman , you heare what my master doth say , therefore I pray you send me by some token whereby I may receiue the wares . The woman sent him by a true token , and then Scogin did hire two Porters , and did fetch away all the wares from the Poulters house , and did carry it to his chamber : when masse was done , the Priest called the Poulters wife vnto him , and asked why she would not acknowledge her husband to be her head ? Why , said the woman , I cannot tarry to reason of such matters , therefore I pray you to pay me my money , that I were gone : wherfore said the Priest ? the woman said , for wares that your man hath receiued . What man , said the Priest ? he that spake to you when you went to masse : the Priest said , he is none of my man , and he said to me , that you would not bee perswaded that your husband ought to be your head . What master Abbot said the woman , you shal not mock me so , I must haue 6 pound & 8 shillings of you for wares that your man hath receiued , for you promised to pay me when you went to masse . I am no Abbot , said the Priest , nor none of my men neuer receiued any thing of you , nor I promised nothing when I went to masse , but that I would perswade you to obey your Husband , who ought to be your head , and so the Priest went his way . The woman perceiuing that shee was deceiued , went home to sée if Scogin had receiued the ware and he had receiued them , and was gone an houre before . Then both she and her husband sought for Scogin , but they could not find him . How Scogin deceiued the Draper . WHen Scogin should be made Master of Art , he wanted mony to buy his apparell , and he mused in his mind what shift he might make . At last hée went to London to a Draper , and said , sir , it is so , that I haue a master which is Deane of Wels , and he would haue foure gowne clothes of sundry colours , but they must bée sad colours , and fine cloath , and he must haue thrée paire of hose clothes and lining ; and I pray you make me a bill of the price of euery thing , and to morrow you shall haue mony . On the morrow in the morning Scogin went to Pauls Church , & hée did sée a lusty Priest come in with two or three seruants , and did ask where he might say masse , & when the place was appointed , Scogin did run to the Draper , & said , Sir , you must come or send one to receiue your money , for my master wil say masse , & then in all hast he must goe to West m●nster , therefore let one of your seruants cut off the cloth . The Draper & Scogin went to Pauls , and by that time the Priest had on his Alte , ready to goe to masse . Scogin went to the Priest , & sayd , master , it is so , that I haue a friend here which is troubled with a chin-cough , and he & I desire you that after masse he may haue thrée sups of the chalice , & for your paines he doth pray you to come to him to breakfast . The Priest sayd , I am pleased , I will doe your desire Then Scogin went to the Draper , & said , sir , come & heare what my master doth say . Then Scogin said to the Priest , master , here is the Gentleman , will you dispatch him when masse is done ? yea , said the Priest . Then said Scogin , here is your bill of accounts , now send me to your seruants , by what token I shall receiue that which my master hath bought . The Draper said , by the same token that I did tell them yesternight , that if they wold not take héed in time , they should neuer thriue . Upon this token all the stuffe was deliuered to Scogin , and he caried it to the Carriers , and sent it to Oxford . When the masse was done , the Priest called the Draper , & said , Gentleman come hither to me , if you will haue 3 sups of the chalice , sit downe on your knees . Why , said the Draper , should I sup of the Chalice ? and wherefore shall I sit down on my knées ? Marry sir , said the Priest , your seruant , as I suppose , did come to mee before masse , saying , that you had the chin-cough , and that you would haue thrée sups of the chalice , to bee mended of your disease . The Draper said , Master Deane of Welles , you shall not mocke mee so , I must haue 13 pound of you for clothes that your seruant hath of me for foure gown clothes , & thrée hose clothes , and lining for them , & here is a bill of euery parcell , & you said before masse that I shold haue it . What , said the Priest ? Money , said the Merchant . Nay , not so , said the Priest , I am not Deane of Welles , nor I neuer bought nor sold with you , & you shall haue no money of me , for I promised nothing before masse , but 3 sups of the chalice , & if thou wilt haue that , take it , or els fare ye wel . A fart for thy 3 sups of the chalice , said the Draper giue me my mony . I owe thee none , said the Priest , nor none shalt thou haue of me . The Merchant could not tel what to say , but hied himselfe home to seeke for Scogin , which was gone . Then said the Draper , I trow wee haue spun a faire thraed , where is the man that should haue the cloth ? The seruants said , sir , he hath it , and is gone . Which way , said the Merchant ? We cannot tel , said his seruants . Why , said the Draper , did you deliuer him al the stuffe ? yes , sir , said they , because you sent vs a true token . Then said the ●raper , I would I had béene ware my selfe first , for if I make many such bargaines I shall neuer thriue . How Scogin told a shoe-maker hee was not at home . THere was a shoe-maker in Paris , which was a widower , and he was not very wise , of him Scogin bought all his shooes , and on a time Scogin came to the shoe-makers house to speak with him . The shoo-maker was at dinner , and bad his maid say that he was not at home . Scogin by the maids answer perceiued that her master was within , but for that time he dissembled the matter , and went home : shortly after the shoo-maker came to Scogins chamber , & asked for him ; Scogin hearing the shoo-maker enquire for him , said aloud , I am not at home . Then sayd the shoo-maker , what man thinke you that I know not your voice ? why , said Scogin , what an vnhonest man are you : when I came to your house , I beleeued your maid that said , you were not at home , and you will not beleeue me mine owne selfe . How the aforesaid shoo-maker gaue Scogin forty shillings to haue his house made greater . THe aforesaid shooe-maker married a rich widow , whereby his houshold was greatly encreased . And on a time Scogin came thither , and séeing that he had so many seruants , and much houshold scuffe heapt vp in euery corner of his house , said that he had need haue a greater house . Yea , said the shoe-maker , I would spend forty shillings that the house were butthrée yards broder : Scogin said , giue me the money , and you shal haue it made as broad as you will. Hold said the shoo-maker , here is the money . Then Scogin caused one of the shoo-makers horses to be tied to the house side , and got a chaire with whéeles in the feet , wherein he bad the shoo-maker sit , and sayd , when the house is as you would haue it , speake . Scogin bad one of the shoe-makers men that he should make the horse draw a little , and he himselfe stood behind the shoo-maker , and euer as the horse drew , Scogin would pull the chaire to him that the shoo-maker did sit in , and asked him if the house were broad enough yet . The shooe-maker for the noise that the horse made with drawing , and for Scogins talking , did not perceiue how Scogin did pull the chaire , but thought that the horse did pull the house broader . When Scogin had drawn the chaire a good way , the shoo-maker said , this side is broad enough , now let the other side bee drawne out as much . Then Scogin tied the horse to the other side of the house , and turned the chaire , and caused the shoo-maker to sit in it againe , and did as he had done before , & drew the chaire a good way back , saying is the house broad enough yet ? the shomaker said , yea ; I thanke you it is as broad as I would haue it . Then Scogin had the shoo-makers man set vp his horse , & he tooke his chaire and went his way . How the shomaker would haue made his house greater , and brake downe the one side of it . VVIthin two or thrée dayes after this , the shomaker thought to make his house greater , & caused the horse to be tyed to the house side againe & he himselfe sate downe in a chayre in the midst of the house , to sée when it was broad enough , and bad one of his men to make the horse draw . The horse pulled , but the house was neuer the broader . Then the shomaker caused another horse to be tyed to the house side . Then both the horses drew so much , that they pulled downe foure or fiue postes of the house , which caused the tiles to fall , so that the shooe-makers head was broken in two or thrée places . Then the shomaker was faine to bestow a great deale of money in mending his house , and at the Surgeons for healing his head . After this he met with Scogin , and told him what a great mischance hee had . Why said Scogin , when it was well you could not let it alone . How Scogin told the French King that hee could not doe two things at once . ON a time the French King and Scogin did ride together , and the King said to Scogin , why dost thou not speake ? Why sir , said Scogin , will you haue me doe two things at once ? will you haue me ride and speake too ? nay , sayd hee , that were too much : for it is hard to serue two Lords , and two Masters , and please doth the parties . How the French King had Scogin into his house of office , and shewed him the King of Englands picture . ON a time when the French King went to his stoole , hée did take Scogin with him : then said the French King to Scogin , looke behind thee who is pictured on the wall . Scogin looked , and said ; it is a faire picture . The King said thou maist see what I doe make of a picture of thy King. Scogin beheld the picture of the King of England , and said to the French King ; Jesu Christ , here is a wonderfull thing , what would you doe if you did see the King of England in the face as he is , when that for feare you doe beshite your selfe , when that you looke but vpon a picture of him ? Then the French King banished Scogin out of France , and he came into England againe . How Scogin put French earth into his shooes , and came into England . WHen Scogin was banished out of France hee filled his shooes full of French earth , and came into England and went into the Kings Court , and as soone as hee came to the Court , the King said to him , I did charge thee that thou shouldest neuer tread vpon my ground of England : It is true , said Scogin , and no more I doe . What Traytour , sayd the King , whose groūd is that thou standest on now . Scogin said , I stand vpon the French Kings ground , and that you shall see , and first he put off the one shooe , and it was full of earth , then said Scogin this earth I brought out of France : Then said the King , I charge thée neuer to looke me more in the face . How Scogin came to Cambridge , and how hee deceiued the poore folkes . AFter the King had commanded Scogin to looke him no more in the face , hee went to Cambridg●● ▪ and through one Master Euerid that was his friend , he got him a chamber in Iesus Colledge : so on a time about Mid-summerfaire hee lacked money , and at last hée got him a paire of crutches , and a patched Cloake , and took a coard , and bound vp one of his legs behind him , and went to Barnwell with his crutches , like as if he had lacked one leg , and came among the poore folkes like a stout beggar And after he had beene there a little while , hee would néedes kéepe all the money that was gotten , and at the end of the faire , he said , it should be parted equally among them all . At last with much adoe they were contented : so when the faire was almost ended , Scogin said to the poore folke , I must goe into that corne and ease me , and I will come againe by and by . Scogin went into a Rye land , and put off his cloake , and vntied the coard that he had bound his leg with , and ranne as fast as he could to Iesus Colledge . The poore folkes espied him , and followed after him as fast as they could : some that had not gone without crutches a long time before , had almost ouertaken him . Scogin was there before them , and had the key of his chamber , and had put on other apparell , by that time the poore folkes were come to the Colledge , and were searching in euery place for him . At last Scogin came out of his chamber to them , and said ; what doe you all here ? Marry , said they , there is a naughty man that hath deceiued vs of all that wée haue gotten this Faire time , and hee came running into this Colledge , and for him doe we seeke . What manner of man is he , said Scogin ? sir , said one of them , if your mastership would not bee angry , I would say you were as like him as euer any man might be . Well , said Scogin , you must get you away , for you let vs of our study . The poore folkes went their way , cursing him a hundred times that had so deceiued them . How Scogin rode to New-castle with Master Euerid , and what talke hee had with a fellow that kept Oxen. AFter that Scogin had béene at Cambridge a little while , his friend Master Euerid would goe to New-castle , ( to take possession of certaine houses ) and hee said to Scogin ; If you will goe with mée to New-castle , I will beare your cost and charges . Scogin was content , and went with him , and when they were within twelue miles of New-castle , Scogin did see a fellow that was kéeping of Oxen , that sat vnder a bush clouting of his shooes . Scogin said to the fellow , How far is it to New-castle ? I cannot tell said the fellow . Then said Scogin what is it a clocke ? The fellow said , hee could not tell . Then said Scogin , what Towne is this before vs ? I cannot tell , said the fellow . Then Scogin thought he had béene a foole , and said , didst thou not sée an empty cart come by this way , with two great milstones in it ? The fellow said , no. Then Scogin laughed , and was riding away . The fellow called him againe , and said ; Sir , I did not sée no such cart as you aske for , come this way , but here came a naked boy by , with a white loafe in his bosome , and a straw in his arse to picke your téeth . Scogin rode his way , and said nothing , whereat Master Euerid and his men laughed . What shift Scogin made for bootes , and how hee deceiued two shoo-makers . VVHen Scogin should ride home againe his bootes were nought , and hee could not tell what shift to make . At last hee deuised what he might doe : whereupon he sent his man for a shoo-maker to bring him a paire of Bootes . The shoo-maker brought the bootes , and when hee had pulled on the right foot boote , and was pulling on the other boot , Scogin said , it was maruellous strait , and that it did pinch his leg : wherefore hee prayed him to cary it home , and set it on the laste an houre or two : for ( quoth he ) I haue a thing to write that will hold mee two houres , and all that time I will sit and write , & kéepe this other boot on my leg still vntill that be ready . The shoo-maker tooke the boot and went home , as Scogin had bidden him . When the shoo-maker was gone , hée sent his man for another shoo-maker , and caused one to pull off the boot which the first shoo-maker had pulled on When the other shoo-maker was come , Scogin caused him to pull on the left boot , and when hee was pullin● on the right foot boot , Scogin found fault with it , as he did with the first shoo-maker and sent him away in like sort : when hée was gone , hée caused his man to make ready their horses , and hee pulled on the boot againe , which the first shoo-maker had left behinde him , and so he rode away with the two bootes of two shoo-makers : shortly after the shoo-makers came and enquired for Scogin , but hée and his man were gone , almost an houre before . How Scogin ouertooke a Priest and kept company with him , and how he and the Priest prayed for money . WHen Scogin and his man had ridden ten or twelue miles on their way , hée ouertooke a Priest that was riding to London , to pay his first fruits , with whom hee kept company vntill he came to Stamford , and all that way as they rode , Scogin made the Priest very good chéere , and would let him pay no money , so that Scogin had but two shillings left : and riding betwéene Stamford and Huntington , Scogin complayned him to the Parson in this sort : I maruell master Parson ( quoth he ) how men doe when they want money , to get it ? For when I want money , I know not how to get any , except I should steale . No , no , said the Priest , doe you not know that they that serue God well , doe not want , and how that God promiseth , that if you call vpon him in your afflictions , that hée will helpe you ? You say well master Parson , said Scogin , and rode before : and when hée saw a faire place , hee knéeled downe and lifted vp his hands , and prayed to God , till Master Parson and his man did ouertake him , but nothing hée could get : when they were come , hée told them he prayed , but could get nothing . But ( quoth he ) I will try once againe , and then if I can get nothing , both you Master Parson and my man shall helpe me to pray , for I doe not doubt but God will helpe something , when hee heareth allour prayers . And then Scogin did ride before againe , and when hee saw his place conuenient , hée alighted him from his horse and tied him to a trée , and knéeled downe , and prayed as hée had done before , vntil such time as they came to him . Then said the Parson , How doe you now Master Scogin ? By my troth , said he , I can get nothing , wherefore alight sirra , quoth hee , to his man , and tie your horse to yonder trée , and then hée went to the Parson and tooke his horse by the bridle , and told him hee must needes helpe him to pray . The Parson for feare durst not say him nay , but alighted , and tooke his capcas● from the saddle bow , wherein was fifty pounds . Then Scogin asked his man how much money hee had in his purse ? He sayd , twenty pence By my troth , said Scogin , and I haue but twoshillings , and how much haue you Master Parson ? said hee . The Parson thought that if hée had told him all , hée would surely haue borrowed a good part of it , and hée said , fiue pounds Well , let vs pray hartily , said Scogin , and the● they knéeled downe , and prayed for the spac● of halfe an houre : and Scogin said , let vs sée whether God haue heard our request , or no And then he looked in his own purse , where wa● but two shillings , & then hee looked in his man● purse , where was but twenty pence Then Scogin came to the Parson , and said : Now Master Parson let vs see what you haue , for I doe not doubt but God hath heard our prayers , and tooke the Priests capcase and opened it , wherein was a bag with fifty ●ounds in it , which the Parson should haue paid for his first fruits : Then Scogin spread his cloake abroad , and powred out the money , and when hée had told it , hee said ; By Lady Master Parson God hath heard our prayer : and then hee gaue him fiue pounds , and said , Master Parson , here is the fiue pound that thou had before wee began to pray , and the rest we will haue : for I see that you are so well acquainted with God , that with praying halfe an houre , you can get as much more : and this will doe vs great pleasure , and it is but a small matter for you to pray halfe an houre . The Parson desired Scogin to let him haue the rest of the money , for hee said that hée did ride to London to pay his first fruits . Well said Scogin , then you must pray againe , for wée will haue this , and so they rode away and left the Priest behind them : and the Priest was faine to ride home againe for more money . How Scogin came to the Court like a monstrous beast , and should haue been hanged . SCogin was weary of Cambridge , and could not tell how to doe , because the King had commanded him to looke him no more in the face . At last he got him a Beares foot , and an Oxe foot , and tyed them vnder his feet , then he tooke a horse foot in one of his hands , and his other hand serued for another foot , and Scogin lay about the Court , and on a certaine night there sell a snow . Scogin within halfe a mile of the Kings place , went with his aforesaid thrée feet , and his hand which serued for the fourth foot , and when hee had set a circuit , he went into an old house , where there was an ouen , and hee crept into it , and set out his arse . In the morning the trace of this monstrous beast was found , and well was he that might first come to the Court to tell the King what a monstrous beast this should bee , that the one foot was like a Beares foot , and the other like an Oxe foot , and the other foot like a horse foot , and the other like a mans hand . As soone as the King heard of this , hee called his hunters to goe with him to find out the trace of this monstrous beast . And that found , there was a great yelping of hounds , and blowing of hornes , and at last the hounds did come to a bay . The King and the Lords pricked forth their geldings , and rode to the old house , and looked into the ouen , and Scogin did set out his bare arse . What knaue is this , said the King ? I sir , said Scogin , whom your charged not to looke you in the face , wherefore I must needs turne mine arse to you . Well knaue , said the King , thou shalt bee hanged for this pranke doing . Scogin leapt out of the ouen , and pulled vp his bréech , and said ; I desi●e your Grace , if I shall be hanged , let me chuse the tree I shall be hanged on . I am content , sayd the King. Foure men were appointed to hang Scogin , Scogin had prouided a bottle of wine , and sucket , and marmalade , and gréene ginger and said to them that should hang him , Masters , the Kings Grace hath giuen mee licence ( as you know ) to choose what manner of Tree I shall hang on , and in the Forest of Windsor be goodly trees , and thither will I goe . Scogin went before them , and euer looked vpon many okes and trees , and euer was eating of his sucket , and marmalade , and gréene ginger , and dranke still on his bottle , saying , God knoweth the pangs of death are dry . When night was come , and the men being all day without meate and drinke , fainted , and said , Good Scogin , the night draweth on , and we haue eaten no meat to day , and where we shall lye to night we cannot tell : chuse one tree or other to bee hanged on . O Masters , said Scogin , make no haste for my hanging , for it would grieue the best of you all to bee hanged . Scogin wandred about here and there vntill it was a good while within night . Then said Scogin , here is a faire tree , let vs goe lye vnder it all night . The men said , wee are so faint that wee cannot tell what to doe . Well , said Scogin , you séeme to bee honest men , goe to your King , an● haue me commended to him , and tell him that I will neuer chuse a trée to bee hanged on : and s● fare you well . Hee is a mad man that may saue his owne life , and will kill himselfe . How Scogin asked the King and Queene forgiuenesse . SCogin seeing that hee had lost the fauour 〈◊〉 the King & Quéene , hee mused how he might be pardoned of the King and of the Queene . Hee heard say that the King would ride a progresse and at a conuenient place , Scogin said to his seruant , cast a couerlet ouer me , and say that I am dead , and say that at my departure , I desire thee to pray the King and Queen to forgiue me . When the King and Queene did come by , Scogin lying vnder the couerlet by the high way , h●● seruant said , Here doth lie Scogin dead , & whe● hée departed , hee prayed both your Graces to forgiue him . Now ( said the King and Queen ) Go● forgiue him , and wee doe : Scogin start vp , an● sayd , I doe thanke both your Graces , and hereafter I will no more displease you . For I see it 〈◊〉 more harder to keepe a friend , then to get one . How Scogin told the Queene what a great stud● he was in . AFter that Scogin had got his pardon 〈◊〉 the King & of the Quéen , as it is rehearse● he vsed honest iesting with the King and Quéen . And on a time before the Queene hee stood in a great study . Whereon dost thou muse Scogin , said the Queene ? Muse , said Scogin , I am musing on a matter that would trouble any mans braines liuing : for it maketh mee to sweat on the browes to bring it to passe . Tell me , said the Quéene the matter . I shall , said Scogin : Euery man telleth me , that our Parson is my ghostly father , and that the Church is my mother , then would I faine know , what kin I am to the stéeple ? The Queene said , thou must néeds be alianced to the steeple . I thanke your Grace , said Scogin , for you haue brought mee out of a great doubt . How diuers Gentlemen of the Court came to Scogins house to make merry . ON a time diuers Gentlemen of the Court said to Scogin , Gentle master Scogin , wee would laugh , and therefore we will come to your house to make merry , and wee will tarry all night , so that you will prouide for vs beds and horse meat : you shall not lacke , said Scogin . The Gentlemen came to Scogins house , thinking that Scogin had prouided all things necessary for them . When they were come to his house , there was no manner of prouision , neither for horse meat , mans meat , nor lodging . Scogin seeing his friends were come to his house , said , Masters , you be welcome , and that is the best chéere that I haue : and as for meat for you , I haue it not at this time , but onely an apple , and therefore I pray you not to be discontented , considering the old prouerbe in Latine is , Dat p●ra vel poma , qui non habet alia dona . The which is to say , he that hath no other gift , must giue an apple or peare : I say , sayd Scogin , I haue at this time no better cheare , therefore I pray you bee contented with your fare . Why said the Gentlemen , haue you meat for our horses ? Masters all , said Scogin , I haue a house , but I haue no land ; I haue neither hay , grasse , nor corne , nor pasture , vnlesse it bee in the Church-yard , and there I haue seuen foot that I doe challenge , therefore let your horses goe there . Then said the Gentlemen , how shall wee doe for our beds and lodgings ? Masters all , said Scogin , as for beds care not , for I haue enough for you all Then wee care not , said the Gentlemen : has● thou beside thy apple , any drinke ? yea , said Scogin , as good as any is in the well . Why then said the Gentlemen , bring vs to our beds : that I will , said Scogin , which did bring them to his garden , saying , Masters , choose euery man his lodging in these beds , for these bee the best bedsthat I haue . Then one Gentleman said , we● came hither to laugh , but I suppose wee shal weepe ere wee haue done . Here a man may s●● that the thing which men doe suppose ; God dot● dispose , and let no man thinke that there was neuer so great a flood , but there may bee as low an ebbe : And in this case is to be considered , that no man can aske more of a man then hee is able to doe . How Scogin fell sicke of a perillous cough . THe time was come that Scogins dayes drew to an end , who was infected with a perillous cough . His Physitians did counsell him neither to eat cheese nor nuts . And why so , said Scogin ? The Physitian said , for such things doe cause and prouoke coughing . Nay , said Scogin , that cannot be so , for a shéepe doth neither ●ate cheese nor nuts , and there is no beast liuing ●hat hath the cough so much : then said the Phy●itian , if they did or ●ould eat it such things ●ould augment and increase their infirmity . ●herefore it is good to refraine from contagi●us meats and drinkes , according to the infirmi●y of a mans disease . How Scogin was shriuen and hosted . SCogins sicknesse increased more and more , and he sent for the Priest to bee shriuen and ●osted . The Priest comming to him with the Sacrament of the Altar , said , Master Scogin ●ere I haue brought to you our blessed Lord God in forme of bread that dyed on the Crosse 〈◊〉 all sinners , doe you beleeue in him ? Yea , said Scogin , or else would I were burnt at a stake . Then said the Priest , ere you doe receiue him , you must be contrite of your offences , and bee shriuen , and recognise your selfe a sinner . That will I gladly , said Scogin : Hee being shriuen , and being penitent , receiued the Sacrament deuoutly , and that done , Scogin said , good Lord , I doe thanke thee for all thy benefits : but Masters , I tell you all that stand about mee , if I might liue to eat a Christmasse pye , I care not then if 〈◊〉 dye by and by after : for Christmasse pyes be good meat . Here is to bee noted that a man is loath to dye , although there be no remedy , and he that can reioyce him in God , and in mirth without sin , that man is happy . How Scogin desired that hee might bee buried at the East side of Westminster . SCogin waxing sicker and sicker , his friends aduertised him to make his Testament , and to shew where he would lye after hee was dead : Friends , said Scogin . when I came into this World , I brought nething with me , and when I shall depart out of this world , I shall take nothing away but a sheet : take you the shéet , and let mee haue the beginning againe naked . And if you cannot doe this for me , I pray you that I may be buried at the East side of We●●minster , vnder one of the spouts of the leads , for I haue euer loued good drinke all the dayes of my life : and there was he buried . Whereas now the 〈◊〉 ancient and sapient King Henry the seuenth 〈◊〉 build the most sumptuous Chappell in the 〈◊〉 whereas the said sapient King doth lye , as 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 séemeth an armipotent Prince and King to lys . What Scogin said when the holy Candle was pu● in his hand . VVHen the extreame pangs of death came vpon Scogin , the holy Candl ▪ was put in his hand to blesse himselfe . When Scogin had done so , in surrendring thankes to God , hee said , now the ●rouerbe is fulfilled , that he that worst may shall hold the Candle , for euer the weakest is thrust to the w●ll . FINIS .