Tarltons jests Drawne into these three parts. 1 His court-witty iests. 2 His sound city iests. 3 His countrey pretty iests. Full of delight, wit, and honest mirth. 1638 Approx. 71 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 21 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A13376 STC 23684 ESTC S111346 99846708 99846708 11695 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A13376) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 11695) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1467:7) Tarltons jests Drawne into these three parts. 1 His court-witty iests. 2 His sound city iests. 3 His countrey pretty iests. Full of delight, wit, and honest mirth. Tarlton, Richard, d. 1588, attributed name. [40] p. Printed by I[ohn] H[aviland] for Andrew Crook, and are to be sold in Pauls Church-yard, at the signe of the Beare, London : 1638. "More or less fictitious anecdotes, many of them far older than Tarlton, who probably was in no way responsible for the work"--Folger Shakespeare Library catalogue. The words "1 His court-witty iests. .. 3 His countrey pretty iests." are bracketed together on the title page. With a title-page woodcut. Printer's name from STC. Signatures: A-E⁴. In this edition, C2r lines 4,5 from bottom read: "Globe on the #5FD\ Banks side". Reproduction of the original in the Bodleian Library. 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng English wit and humor -- Early works to 1800. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-04 Rina Kor Sampled and proofread 2003-04 Rina Kor Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion RICHARD TARLTON . Tarltons Jests . Drawne into these three parts . 1 His Court-witty Iests . 2 His sound City Iests . 3 His Countrey pretty Iests . Full of delight , Wit , and honest Mirth . LONDON , Printed by I. H. for Andrew Crook , and are to be sold in Pauls Church-yard , at the signe of the Beare . 1638. Tarltons Court-Witty Iests . How Tarlton plaid the Drunkard before the Queene . THE Quéene being discontented ; which Tarlton perceiuing , took vpon him to delight her with some quaint iest : whereupon he counterfaited a drunkard , and called for Béere , which was brought immediately . Her Maiestie noting his humor , commanded that he should haue no more : for ( quoth shée ) he will play the beast , and so shame himselfe . Feare not you ( quoth Tarlton ) for your Béere is small enough . Whereat her Maiestie laughed heartily , and commanded that he should haue enough . How Tarlton deceiued the Watch in Fleetstreet . TArlton hauing bin late at Court , & cōming homewards thorow Fléetstréet , he espied the Watch , and not knowing how to passe them , hée went very fast , thinking by that meanes to goe vnexmained : But the Watchmen perceiuing that hee shunned them , stept to him , & commanded him in the Queenes name to stand . Stand , quoth Tarlton ? let them stand that can , for I cannot . So falling downe , as though he had been drunke , they helpt him vp , and so let him passe . How Tarlton flowted a Lady in the Court. VPon a time , Tarlton being among certaine Ladies at a banquet which was at Greenewich , the Quéene then lying there , one of the Ladies had her face ful of pimples with heat at her stomake , for which cause she refused to drinke wine amongst the rest of the Ladies : which Tarlton perceiuing ( for he was there of purpose to iest amongst them ) quoth he , A marren of that face , which makes all the body fare the worse for it . At which the rest of the Ladies laught , and she ( blushing for shame ) left the banquet . Tarltons opinion of Oysters . CErtaine Noblemen and Ladies of the Court , being eating of Oysters , one of them séeing Tarlton , called him , & asked him if he loued Oysters ? No ( quoth Tarlton ) for they be vngodly meate , vncharitable meat , and vnprofitable meate . Why , quoth the Courtiers ; They are vngodly , sayes Tarlton , because they are eaten without grace , vncharitable , because they leaue nought but shelles : and vnprofitable , because they must swim in wine . Tarltons resolution of a question ONe of the company taking the Gentlemans part , asked Tarlton at what time he thought the Diuell to be most busied ? When the Pope dies , ( quoth he . ) Why saies the Courtier ? Marry ( answered he ) then all the Deuils are troubled and busied to plague him : for he hath sent many a soule before him thither , that exclaime against him . How a parsonage fell into Tarltons hands . HEr Maiestie dining in the Strand at the Lord Treasurers , the Lords were very desirous that she would vouchsafe to stay all night : but nothing could preuaile with her . Tarlton was in his Clownes apparell , being all dinner while in the presence with her , to make her merry : and hearing the sorrow that the Noblemen made , that they could not worke her stay : he asked the Nobles what they would giue him to worke her stay ? The Lords promised him any thing , to performe it . Quoth he Procure me the Parsonage of Shard . They caused the patent to be drawne presently : he got on a Parsons gowne and a corner-Cap , & standing vpon the staires , where the Quéene should descend , he repeated these words : A Parson , or no Parson ? A Parson , or no Parson : but after she knew his meaning , shée not only stayd all night , but the next day willed hée should haue possession of the Benefice . A madder Parson was neuer , for he threatned to turne the Bell-mettle into lyning for his purse : which he did , the Parsonage and all , into ready money . How Tarlton Proued two Gentlewomen dishonest by their owne words . TArlton séeing in Gréenwich two Gentlewomen in the Garden together , to moue mirth comes to them , and enquires thus : Gentlewomen , which of you two is the honester ? I , sayes the one , I hope without exceptions : and I quoth the other , since we must speake for our selues : so then sayes Tarlton , one of you by your own words is dishonese , one being honester then the other , else you would answere otherwise : but as I found you , so I leaue you . How Tarlton answered a wanton Gentlewoman . A Gentlewoman merrily disposed , being crost by Tarlton , and halfe angry , said , Sirra , a little thing would make mée requite you with a cuffe . With a cuff , Lady , sayes Tarlton ? so would you spell my sorrow forward : but spell my sorrow backward , then cuffe me and spare not : when the Gentlemen by considered of the word , they laughing , made the simple-meaning Gentlewoman to blush for shame . How Tarlton dared a Lady . AT the Dinner in the great Chamber where Tarlton iested , the Ladies were daring one another : quoth one , I euer durst do any thing that is honest and Honourable . A French crowne of that , sayes Tarlton . Ten pound of that sayes the Lady . Done , sayes one , Done sayes another . Tarlton put two pence betwixt his lips , and dared her to take it away with her lips . Fie , sayes shée , that is immodesty . What to kisse , sayes Tarlton ? then immodesty beares a great hand ouer all : but once in your life say , you haue béene beaten at your owne weapon . Well , Sir , sayes shee , you may say any thing . Then sayes Tarlton , remember , I say you dare not , and so my wager is good . How Tarlton landed at Cuckolds haven . TArlton being one Sunday at Court all day , caused a paire of Oares to tend him , who at night called on him to be gone . Tarlton being a carousing , drunk so long to the Watermen , that one of them was bumpsie , and so indéede were all thrée for the most part : at last they left Gréenwich , the Tide being at a great low fall ▪ the Watermen yet afraide of the Crosse Cables by the Lime-house , very dark and late as it was , landed Tarlton at Cuckolds-hauen , and said , the next day they would giue him a reason for it : But Tarlton was faine to goe by land to Redriffe on the dirty banke , euery step knée-déepe : so that cōming home , hée called one of his boyes to help him off with his boots , meaning his stockings , which were died of another colour . Whereupon one gaue him this theame the next day : Tarlton , tell mee : for fayne would I know , If thou wert landed at Cuckholds-haven or no ? Tarlton answered thus : Yes , Sir , and I tak 't in , no scorne : For many land there yet misse of the horne . How Tarlton fought with blacke Davie . NOt long since liued a little swaggerer : called Blacke Davie , who would at Sword and Buckler fight with any Gentleman or other , for twelue pence : he being hired to draw vpon Tarlton , for breaking a iest vpon huffing Kate , a Punke , as men termed her : one euening , Tarlton comming forth at the Court gate , being at Whitehall , and walking toward the Tilt-yard , this Davie immediately drew vpon Tarlton : who on the sudden , though amazed , drew likewise , and enquired the cause : which Davie denied , till they had fought a bout or two . Tarlton couragiously got within him , and taking him in his armes , threw him into the Tilt-yard , who falling vpon his nose , broke it extremely , that euer after he snuffled in the head ; poore Dauie lying all that night in the Tilt - yard , expecting the doores to be opened came forth , and at the Barber-surgeons told of this bloody combat : and the occasion of it was ( quoth he ) because Tarlton being in a Tauerne , in the company of this-damnable Cackatrice , huffing Kate , called for wine , but she told him , That without he would burne it , she would not drink . No quoth Tarlton , it shall be burnt , for thou canst burne it without fire . As how Sir ( quoth she ? ) Mary thus . Take the Cup in thine hand , and I will tell thée . So he filling the cup in her hand , said it was burnt sufficiently in so fiery a place : shée perceiuing her selfe so slouted , hired me to be her Champion , to reuenge her quarrell . How Tarlton answered the VVatchmen , comming from the Court. TArlton hauing plaied before the Quéene till one a clock at midnight , comming homewards , one of them espied him , called him , Sirra what art thou ? A woman , sayes Tarlton . Nay , that is a lye , say the Watchmen ; women haue no such beards . Tarlton replyed , if I should haue said a man , that you know to be true , and would haue bidden me , tel you that you know not , therefore I said a woman , and so I am all woman , hauing pleased the Quéen , being a woman . Well , sirra , sayes another , I present the Queene : then am I a woman , indeed , sayes Tarlton , as well as you , for you haue a beard as well as I , and truly Mistris Annis , my buske is not done yet : when will yours ? leaue thy gibing , fellow , saith the Watch , the Queenes will is , That whosoeuer is taken without doores after ten a clocke , shall bee committed , and now it is past one : commit all such , sayes Tarlton , for if it be past one a clocke , it will not be ten this eight houres : with that one lifts vp his Lanthorne , and lookes him in the face , and knew him ; Indeed M. Tarlton you haue more wit then all we , for it is true , that ten was before one , but now one is before ten . It is true , quoth Tarlton , Watch-men had wont to haue more wit , but for want of sléepe they are turned fooles : so Tarlton stole from them : and they to séeme wise , went home to bed . Tarltons answer to a Courtier . TArlton being at the Court all night , in the morning he met a great Courtier cōming from his Chamber , who espying Tarlton , said : Good morrow , M. Didimus and Tridimus : Tarlton being somewhat abashed , not knowing the meaning thereof , said , Sir , I vnderstand you not , expound , I pray you . Quoth the Courtier , Didimus and Tridimus , is a foole and a knaue : you ouerloade me , replied Tarlton , for my backe cannot beare both ; therefore take you the one , and I will take the other , take you the knaue , and I will carry the foole with me . Tarltons quip for a yong Courtier . THere was a young Gentleman in the Court , that had first lien with the Mother , and after with the Daughter , and hauing so done , asked Tarlton what it resembled : quoth he , As if you should first haue eaten the Hen , and afer , the Chicken . Tarltons answere to a Noblemans question . THere was a Nobleman that asked Tarlton what hée thought of Souldiers in time of Peace . Marry ( quoth he ) they are like Chimnies in Summer . Tarltons Iest to an vnthrifty Courtier . THere was an vnthriftie Gallant belonging to the Court , that had borrowd fiue pounds of Tarlton : but hauing lost it at Dice , he sent his man to Tarlton to borrow fiue pounds more , by the same token hée owed him already fiue pounds . Pray tel your Master ( quoth Tarlton ) that if he will send me the token , I will send him the money : for who deceiues me once , God forgiue him : if twice , God forgiue him : but if thrice , God forgiue him , but not me , because I could not beware . How Tarlton flouted two Gallants . TArlton being in a merry vaine , as hée walked in the great Hall in Greenwitch , hée met my old Lord Chamberlaine , going betwéene two fantasticke Gallants , and cryed aloud vnto him , my Lord , my Lord , you goe in great danger : whereat amazed , hée asked whereof : of drowning ( quoth Tarlton ) were it not for those two bladders vnder each of your armes . Tarltons sound City Iests . Tarltons iest of a red face . TO an Ordinary in White Fryers , where Gentlemen vsed , by reason of extraordinary diet , to this Tarlton often frequented , as well to continue acquaintance as to please his appetite . It chanced ●o vpon a time ( especially ) being set amongst the Gentlemen and Gallants , they enquired of him , why melancholy had got the vpper hand of his mirth ; to which he said little , but with a squint eye ( as custome had made him hare eyed ) hée looked for a Iest to make them merry . At last hée espied one that sate on his left side , which had a very red face , he being a very great Gentleman , ( which was all one to Tarlton ) hée presently in great haste called his Host : Who doe I serue ( my Host ) quoth Tarlton ; The Quéenes Maiestie , replied the Good man of the house . How happens it then , quoth Tarlton , that ( to her Maiesties disgrace ) you dare make me a companion with Seruingmen , clapping my Lord Shandoyes Cullisance vpon my sléeue , looking at the Gentleman with the red face ; mée thinkes , quoth he , it fits like the Saracens head without Newgate . The Gentlemans Salamanders face burnt like Erna for anger . The rest laughed heartily . In the end ( all enraged ) the Gentleman swore to fight with him at next méeting . A sudden and dangerous fray , twixt a Gentleman and Tarlton , which he put off with a iest . AS Tarlton and others passed along Fléet-stréet , he espied a spruse yong Gallant , black of complexion , with long haire hanging downe ouer his eares , and his beard of the Italian cut , in white Sattin , very quaintly cut , and his body so stiffely starcht , that he could not bend himselfe any way for no gold . Tarlton , séeing such a wonder comming , trips before him , and méeting this Gallant , tooke the wall of him , knowing that one so proud , at least looked for the prerogatiue . The Gallant scorning that a Player should take the wall , or so much indignifie him , turnes himselfe , and presently drew his Rapier . Tarlton , drew likewise . The Gentleman fell to it roundly : but Tarlton ( in his owne defence ) compassing and trauersing his ground , gaped with a wide mouth , whereat the people laughed : the Gentleman pausing , enquired why he gaped so , O Sir , saies he , in hope to swallow you ; for by my troth you séeme to me like a Prune in a messe of white Broth. At this the people parted them . The Gentleman noting his mad humour , went his way wel contented : for he knew not how to amend it . Tarltons Iest of a Pippin . AT the Bull in Bishops-gate-street , where the Quéenes Players oftentimes played , Tarlton comming on the Stage , one from the Gallery threw a Pippin at him . Tarlton tooke vp the Pip , and looking on it , made this sudden iest . Pip in , or nose in , chuse you whether , Put yours in , ere I put in the other . Pippin you haue put in : then , for my grace , Would I might put your nose in another place . A iest of an Apple hitting Tarlton on the face . TArlton hauing flouted the fellow for his pippin which hée threw , hée thought to beméet with Tarlton at length . So in the Play Tarltons part was to trauell , who knéeling down to aske his father blessing , the fellow threw an Apple at him , which hit him on the chéek . Tarlton taking vp the Apple , made this iest . Gentleman , this fellow , with this face of Mapple , Instead of a pipin , hath throwne me an Apple , But as for an Apple , he hath cast a Crab , So in stead of an honest woman , God hath sent him a drab . The people laughed heartily , for he had a Queane to his wife . How Tarlton and one in the Gallery fell out . IT chanced that in the midst of a Play , after long expectation for Tarlton : being much desired of the people , at length hée came forth : where ( at his entrance ) one in the Gallerie pointed his finger at him , saying to a friend that had neuer séene him , that is he . Tarlton to make sport at the least occasion giuen him , and séeing the man point with the finger , he in loue againe held vp two fingers : the captious fellow , iealous of his wife , ( for he was married ) and because a Player did it , took the matter more hainously , & asked him why he made hornes at him ; No ( quoth Tarlton they be fingers : For there is no man , Which in loue to me , Lends me one finger , but he shall have three . No , no , sayes the fellow , you gaue me the hornes . True ( sayes Tarlton ) for my fingers are tipt with nailes , which are like hornes , and I must make a shew of that which you are sure of . This matter grew so , that the more he meddled , the more it was for his disgrace : wherefore the standers by counselled him to depart , both hée and his hornes , lest his cause grew desperate . So the poore fellow , plucking his hat ouer his eyes , went his wayes . How Fiddlers fiddled away Tarltons apparell . IT chanced that one Fancy and Nancy , two Musicians in London , vsed often with their boyes to visit Tarlton , when he dwelt in Gracious-street at the signe of the Saba , a Tauerne , he being one of their best friends or benefactors , by reason of old acquaintance : to requite which , they came one Summers morning to play him The Hunt's vp , with such Musicke as they had . Tarlton , to requite them , would open his chamber doore , and for their paines would giue them Muskadine : which a Cony-catcher noting , and séeing Tarlton came forth in his shirt and night-gowne to drinke with these Musicians , the while this nimble fellow stept in , and tooke Tarltons apparell , which euery day he wore , thinking that if he were espied to turne it to a iest : but it past for currant , and he goes his wayes . Not long after Tarlton returned to his chamber , & looked for his cloaths : but they were safe enough from him . The next day this was noised abroad , and one in mockage threw him in this theame , he playing then at the Curtaine : Tarlton , I will tell thee a iest , Which after turned to earnest : One there was , as I heard say , Who in his shirt heard Musicke play , While all his clothes were stolne away . Tarlton smiling at this , answered on the sudden thus , That 's certaine , Sir , it is no lie That same one in truth was I , When that the theefe shall Pine and lacke , Then shall I haue cloathes to my backe : And I , together with my fellowes , May see them ride to Tiborne Gallowes . Of Tarlton and a beggar . TThere was a poore begger but a conceited fellow , who séeing Tarlton at his doore , asked somthing of him for Gods cause . Tarlton putting his hand in his pocket , gaue him two pence in stead of a penny : at which Tarlton made this Ryme ; Of all the Beggers most happy thou art , For to thee mine hand is better then my heart . Quoth the Begger . True it is , Master , as it chanceth now : The better for me , and the worse for you . How Tarlton deceived a Doctor of Physicke . TArlton , to satisfie the humours of certaine Gentlemen his familiar acquaintance , went about for to try the skil of a simple Doctor of Physick , that dwelt not far from Islington , and thus it was : he tooke a faire Urinal , and filled it halfe full of good Wine , and bore it to this Doctor , saying it was a sick mans water : he viewed it , and tossing it vp and downe , as though he had great knowledge : quoth he , the Patient whose water it is , is full of grosse humors , and hath néede of purging , and to be let some ten ounces of bloud . No , you Dunce , replyed Tarlton , it is good pisse , and with that drunke it off , and threw the Urinall at his head . How Tarlton frighted a Country fellow . TArlton passing through London , by chance he heard a simple Country fellow in an Ale-house , calling for a Kingstone pot of Ale , stept in to him , and threatned to accuse him of treason , saying Sirra , I haue séene and tasted of a penny pot of Ale , and haue found good of the price , but of a Kingstone coyne I neuer heard : therefore it is some counterfet , and I must know how thou camest by it : hereupon , the country fellow was driuen into such a maze , that out of doores he got , and tooke him to his héeles , as though wilde-fire had followed him . How Tarlton was deceiued by his Wife in London . TArlton , being merrily disposed as his Wife and he sate together , he said vnto her , Kate , answer me to one question , without a lye , and take this crown of gold : which shée took on condition , that if she lost , to restore it back again . Quoth Tarlton , am I a Cuckold or no , Kate ; Whereat shée answered not a word , but stood silent , notwithstanding he vrged her many waies . Tarlton séeing she would not speak , askt his gold againe . Why , quoth shée , haue I made any lye ; no , sayes Tarlton : why then good man foole , I haue won the wager . Tarlton mad with anger , made this Rime . As women in speech can reuile a man ; So can they in silence beguile a man. One askt Tarlton what country man the Diuell was . IN Carter Lane dwelt a merry Cobler , who being in company with Tarlton , askt him what Country-man the Diuell was ; quoth Tarlton , a Spaniard : for Spaniards like the Diuel , trouble the whole world . A Cheese-mongers question to Tarlton . IN time of scarsity , a simple Chéese-monger hearing Tarlton commended for his quick wit came vnto him and asked him , why he thought Chéese and Butter to be so ●●●re ; Tarlton answered , Because Wood and Coales are so ●●●re , for Butter and Chéese a man may eate without a fire . Tarltons answere to a rich Londoner . TArlton méeting a rich Londoner , fell into talke about the Bishop of Peterborough , highly praising his bountie to his seruants , his liberality to strangers , his great hospitality and charity to the poore . He doth well , sayes the rich man , for what he hath , he hath but during his life . Why ( quoth Tarlton ) for how many liues haue you your goods ? How Tarlton gaue away his dinner . AS Tarlton and his wife sate at dinner , his wife being displeased with him , and thinking to crosse him , she gaue away halfe his meat vnto a poore Begger , saying , Take this for my other husbands sake . Whereupon Tarlton tooke all that was left , and likewise bade the poore fellow to pray for his other wiues soule . Tarltons answere to a boy in a Rime . THere was a crackrope Boy , méeting Tarlton in London stréet , sung this Rime vnto Tarlton : Woe worth thee Tarlton , That euer thou wast borne : Thy Wife hath made thee Cuckold , And thou must weare the horne . Tarlton presently answered him in Extemporie . What and if I be ( Boy ) I me ne're the worse : She keepes me like a Gentleman , With mony in my purse . How Tarlton bad himselfe to dinner to my Lord Maiors . A Iest came in Tarltons head where to dine : & thought he , in all that a man does , let him aime at the fairest : for sure if I bid my selfe any where this day , it shall be to my Lords Maiors : and vpon this goes to the Counter , and entered his action against my Lord Maior , who was presently told of it , and sends for him . Tarlton waits dinner time , and then comes , who was admitted presently . Master Tarlton ( saies my Lord Maior ) haue you entered an action against me in the Poultry Counter ? My Lord ( saies Tarlton ) haue you entred an action against mée in Woodstréet Counter ? Not I in troth , saies my Lord. No ( saies Tarlton ) he was a villaine that told me so then : but if it bée not so , forgiue me this fault , my Lord , and I will neuer offend in the next . But in the end he begins to sweare , how he will be reuenged on him that mockt him , and flings out in a rage . But my Lord said , Stay , M. Tarlton , dine with me , and no doubt but after dinner you will be better minded . I will try that , my Lord , saies Tarlton , and if it alter mine anger , both mine enemy and I will thanke you together for this courtesie . Tarltons Iest of a box on the eare . ONe that fell out with his friend , méetes him in the stréet , and calling him into a corner , gaue him a box on the eare , and feld him , getting him gone , and neuer told wherefore he did so : which Tarlton beholding , raised vp the fellow , and asked him the reason of their suddē falling out . Can you tell , Sir , said the fellow ? for by my troth as yet I cannot . Well said Tarlton , the more foole you : for had I such féeling of the cause , my wit would remember the iniurie : but many men are goslings ; the more they féele , the lesse they conceiue . Tarltons Iest to two Tailors . TArlton méeting two Tailors ( friends of his ) in the euening in mirth cries , Who goes there , A man , answered a Tailor : How many is there ? one ? Yea , said Tarlton : two , said the other Tailor : then you say true , said Tarlton : for two Tailors goe to a man. But before they parted , they foxt Tarlton at the Castle in Pater noster Row , that Tarlton confest them two Tailors to be honest men . So what they spent in the purse , they got in the person , Comming but one , by Tarltons account , they returned , two . But Tarlton comming one , returned lesse by his wit ▪ for that was shrunk in the wetting . How Tarlton iested at his wife . TArlton and his wife kéeping an Ordinary in Pater-noster Row , were bidden out to Supper : and because he was a man noted , shée would not goe with him in the stréet , but intreats him to kéepe one side , and she another : which he consented to . But as he went , hée would cry out to her , and say , Turne that way , wife : and anon , On this side , wife . So the people flockt the more to laugh at them . But his wife ( more than mad angry ) goes back againe , and almost forswore his company . How Tarlton committed a Rakers horse to ward . WHen Tarlton dwelt in Gracious street , at a Tauern at the signe of the Saba , he was chosen Scauenger , and often the Ward complained of his slacknesse , in kéeping the stréets cleane . So on a time when the Cart came , he asked the Raker why he did his businesse so slackly ? Sir ( said he ) my fore-horse was in the fault , who being let bloud and drencht yesterday , I durst not labour him . Sir ( said Tarlton ) your horse shall smart for it : and so leads him to the Counter : which the Raker laught at , and ( without his horse ) did his worke with the rest , thinking Tarltons humour was but to iest , and would returne him his horse againe anon . But when that anon came , hée was faine to pay all his fées of the Prison , as directly as if hee himselfe had béene there . For if Tarlton had committed the Master , the businesse had not gone forward : therefore the horse was in prison for the Master . How Tarlton made Armin his adopted sonne to succeed him . TArlton kéeping a Tauerne in Gracious-street , hee let it to another , who was indebted to Armins Master , a Goldsmith in Lombard-street , yet he himselfe had a chamber in the same house . And this Armin ( being then a wag ) came often thither to demand his Masters money , which he sometimes had , and sometimes had not . In the end the man growing poore , told the boy hée had no money for his Master , and hée must beare with him . The mans name being Charles Armin , made this Uerse , writing it with Chalke on a Waine-scot . O world , why wilt thou lye ? Is this Charles the great ? that I deny . Indeed Charles the great before : But now Charles the lesse , being poore . Tarlton comming into the roome , reading it , and partly acquainted with the boyes humour , comming often thither for his Masters money , tooke a péece of Chalk , and wrote this Ryme by it : A wagge thou art , none can preuent thee ; And thy desert shall content thee , Let me diuine : As I am , so in time thou 'lt be the same , My adopted sonne therefore be , To enioy my Clownes sute after me . And sée how it fell out . The boy reading this , so loued Tarlton after , that regarding him with more respect , hée vsed to his Playes , and fell in a league with his humour : and priuate practice brought him to present playing , and at this houre performes the same , where , at the Globe on the Banks side men may sée him . Tarltons greeting with Banks his Horse . THere was one Banks ( in the time of Tarlton ) who serued the Earle of Essex and had a Horse of strange qualities : and being at the Crosse-keyes in Gracious-street , getting mony with him , as he was mightily resorted to ; Tarlton then ( with his fellowes ) playing at the Bell by , came into the Crosse-keyes ( amongst many people ( to sée fashions : which Banks perceiuing ( to make the people laugh ) saies Signior ( to his horse ) Go fetch me the veryest foole in the company . The Iade comes immediately , and with his mouth drawes Tarlton forth . Tarlton ( with merry words ) said nothing but God a mercy Horse . In the end Tarlton séeing the people laugh so , was angry inwardly , & said , Sir , had I power of your horse , as you haue , I would doe more than that . What ere it be , said Banks ( to please him ) I will charge him to do it . Then ( saies Tarlton ) charge him to bring me the veriest whore-master in this company . He shall ( saies Bankes , ) Signior ( saies he ) bring Master Tarlton here the veriest whore-master in the company . The Horse leades his Master to him . Then god a mercy horse indeed , saies Tarlton . The people had much ado to kéep peace ; but Bankes and Tarlton had like to haue squar'd and the horse by to giue aime . But euer after it was a by-word thorow London , God a mercy Horse , and is to this day . An excellent Iest of Tarlton suddenly spoken . AT the Bull at Bishops-gate was a Play of Henry the fift , wherein the Iudge was to take a box on the eare , and because he was absent that should take the blow , Tarlton himselfe ( euer forward to please ) tooke vpon him to play the same Iudge , besides his owne part of the Clowne : and Knel then playing Henry the fift , hit Tarlton a sound boxe indeed , which made the people laugh the more because it was he : but anon the Iudge goes in , and immediately Tarlton ( in his Clownes cloathes ) comes out , and askes the Actors what newes ; O ( saith one ) hadst thou béen here , thou shouldest haue séene Prince Henry hit the Iudge a terrible box on the eare . What man , said Tarlton strike a Iudge ? It is true yfaith , said the other , No other like , said Tarlton , and it could not be but terrible to the Iudge , when the report so terrifies me , that me thinkes the blow remaines still on my chéeke , that it burnes againe , The people laught at this mightily : and to this day I haue heard it commended for rare , but no maruell , for he had many of these : But I would sée our Clowns in these dayes doe the like : no I warrant ye , and yet they thinke well of themselues too . Tarltons Iest with a Boy in the street . A Wag-halter Boy met Tarlton in the stréet , and said , Master Tarlton , who liues longest ? Mary Boy , saies Tarlton , he that dies latest : and why dye men so fast , said the Boy ? Because they want breath , said Tarlton : no , rather said the Boy , because their time is come : thē thy time is come , said Tarlton , sée who comes yonder : Who ? said the Boy ? Mary , said Tarlton , Bull the Hangman : or one that would willingly be thy hangman : Nay , hang me thē , if I imploy him at this time , said the Boy . Well , said Tarlton , then thou wilt be hanged by thy owne confession : and so they parted . A Iest of Tarlton , prouing Mustard to haue wit. TArlton kéeping an Ordinary in Paternoster row and sitting with Gentlemen to make them merry , would approue Mustard ( standing before them ) to haue wit : how so saies one ? It is like a witty scold , méeting another scold , knowing that scold will scold , begins to scold first : so saies he , the Mustard being lickt vp , and knowing that you will bite it , begins to bite you first . I le try that , saies a Gull by , and the Mustard so tickled him , that his eyes watered . How now , saies Tarlton , does my iest sauour ? I saies the Gull , and bite too : if you had had better wit , saies Tarlton , you would haue bit first : so then conclude with me , that dumbe vnféeling . Mustard hath more wit than a talking vnféeling foole , as you are . Some were pleased , and some were not , but all Tarltons care was taken ( for his resolution was euer ) before he talkt any Iest. How Tarlton tooke Tobacco at the first comming up of it . TArlton ( as other Gentlemen vsed ) at the first comming vp of Tobacco , did take it more for fashions sake then otherwise , and being in a roome , set betwéen two men ouercome with Wine , and they neuer séeing the like , wondred at it ; and séeing the vapour come out of Tarltons nose cryed out , Fire , fire , and threw a cup of wine in Tarltons face , Make no more stirre , quoth Tarlton , the fire is quenched : if the Sheriffes come , it will turne to a fine , as the custome is . And drinking that againe , Fie , sayes the other , what a stinke it makes ? I am almost poysoned . If it offend , saies Tarlton , let 's euery one take a little of the smell , and so the sauour will quickly goe : but Tobacco whiffes made them leaue him to pay all . Tarltons pretty Countrey Iests . Tarltons wit betweene a Bird and a Wood-cock . IN the City of Glocester , M. Bird of the Chappell met with Tarlton , who ioyfull to regréet other , went to visit his friends : amongst the rest , M. Bird of the Quéenes Chappell , visited M. Wood-cock of the Colledge , where méeting , many friendly spéeches past , amongst which , M. Wood-cock challenged M. Bird of Kin : who mused that hee was of his affinity , and hee neuer knew it . Yes sayes M. Wood-cock , euery Wood-cock is a Bird , therefore it must needs be so . Lord Sir , sayes Tarlton , you are wide , for though euery Wood-cock be a Bird , yet euery Bird is not a Wood-cock . So Master Wood-cock like a Wood-cock bit his lip , and mumbudget was silent . Tarltons Iest of a Gridiron . WHile the Quéenes Players lay in Worcester City to get money , it was his custome for to sing extempore of Theames giuen him : amongst which they were appointed to play the next day : now one fellow of the City amongst the rest , that séemed quaint of conceit , to lead other youths with his fine wit , gaue out , that the next day hee would giue him a Theam , to put him to a non plus : diuers of his friends acquainted with the same , expected some rare conceit . Well , the next day came , and my Gallant gaue him his inuention in two lines , which was this : Me thinkes it is a thing vnfit , To see a Gridiron turne the Spit . The people laughed at this , thinking his wit knew no answere thereunto , which angred Tarlton excéedingly , and presently with a smile looking about , when they expected wonders , he put it off thus . Me thinkes it is a thing vnfit : To see an Asse haue any wit. The people hooted for ioy , to sée the Theame-giuer dasht , who like a dog with his taile betwéene his legs , left the place : But such commendations Tarlton got , that hée sapt with the Bailiffe that night , where my Theamer durst not come , although he were sent for , so much he vexed at that vnlookt for answer . Tarltons answer in defence of his flat nose . I Remember I was once at a play in the Country , where as Tarltons vse was , the play being done , euery one so pleased to throw vp his Theame : amongst all the rest , one was read to this effect , word by word : Tarlton , I am one of thy friends , and none of thy foes . Then I prethee tell how cam'st by thy flat nose : Had I beene present at that time on those banks , I would haue laid my short sword ouer his long shankes Tarlton , mad at this question , as it was his property , sooner to take such a matter ill then well , very suddenly returned him this answere : Friend or foe , if thou wilt needs know , marke me well , With parting dogs & bears , then by the ears , this chance fell : But what of that ? though my nose be flat , my credit to saue , Yet very well , I can by the smell , scent an honest man from a Knave . Tarltons Iest of a Bristow man. WHen the Quéenes Players were restrained in Summer , they trauelled downe to S. Iames his Faire , at Bristow , where they were worthily entertained both of Londoners , and those Citizens : It hapned that a wealthy Citizen , called M. Sunbanke , one morning secretly married his maid ; but not so secret , but it was blowne abroad ▪ That morning Tarlton and others walking in the Faire to visit his familiar friends of London , & béeing in company of Bristow men , they did sée M. Sunbanke comming , who had his property with his necke , not to stirre it any way but to turne body and all . It chanced at the Faire end , hée stood to pisse against a wall : to whome Tarlton came , and clapping him on the shoulder , God giue you joy of your marriage , saies he , M. Sunbanke , being taken pissing against the wall would haue looked back to thank him , and suddenly turnes about body and all in the view of many , and shewed all : which so abasht him that ( ashamed ) hée tooke into a Tauerne , protesting that he had rather haue spent ten pound . Sure ( said the Uintner ) the fault is in your necke , which will not turn without the bodies assistance , and not in M. Tarlton . Call you him M. Tarlton , saies M. Sunbanke ? Yea , Sir , sayes the Uintner , he is the Quéenes Iester . He may be whose Iester hée will bée , but this iest agrées not with me at this time , saies M. Sunbanke . A Iest broke of Tarlton by a Country Gentleman . IN the country where the Quéens Plaiers were accepted into a Gentlemans house , the waggon vnlading of the apparell , the wagoner comes to Tarlton , and doth desire him to speake to the Steward for his horses . I will , saies he : and comming to the Steward , Sir , saies Tarlton , where shall our horses spend the time ? The Gentleman looking at Tarlton at that question suddenly answered , If it please you , or them , let them walke a turne or two , or there is a faire garden , let them play a game or two at bowles in the Alley : and departs thence about his other businesse . Tarlton commending the sudden wit of the Steward , saith little . But my Steward not quiet , tels to the Gentlewomen aboue , how he had driuen Tarlton to a non plus with a iest , whereat they all did laugh heartily : which a Seruingman louing Tarlton well , ran and told him as much . Tarlton , to adde fuell to the fire , and loth to rest thus put off with a iest , goes and gets two of the horses into the garden , & turnes them into the bowling Alley , who with their héeles made hauock : being the Gentlemans only pastime . The Ladies aboue from a window , seeing horses in the Garden Alley ▪ call the Knight , who cries out to Tarlton , Fellow , what meanest thou ? Nothing Sir , sayes he , but two of my horses are at seuen vp , for a peck of Prouender , a foolish match that I made . Now they being in play at bowles run , run ▪ your Steward may come after and cry rub , rub : at which though they smiled , yet the Steward had no thankes for his labour , to set the horses to such an exercise , and they could not blame Tarlton , who did but as he was hidden . But by this Iest , oates and hay , stable roome , and all , was plenty . How Tarlton made one of his company utterly forsweare drunkennesse . AT Salisbury , Tarlton and his fellowes were to play before the Maior & his brethren : but one of his company ( a young man ) was so drunke , that he could not : whereat Tarlton , as mad angry , as he was mad drunk , claps me on his legs a huge paire of bolts . The fellow dead asléepe , felt nothing . When all was done , they conueyed him to the Iaile on a mans back , and intreated the Iailer to doe God good seruice , and let him lye there till he waked . While they were about their sport the fellow waked , & finding himselfe in durance , and the Iaile hung round with bolts & shackles , he began to blesse himselfe , & thought sure in his drunkennesse hee had done some mischiefe . With that hee called to know , but none came to him : then hée thought verily his fault was capitall , and that hée was close prisoner . By and by comes the Kéeper , and moaned him , that one so young should come to so shamefull a death as hanging . Anon another comes , and another with the like , which further put him in a puzzle . But at last comes Tarlton , and others , intreating the Kéeper , yet if it might bee , that they might sée their fellowere they went. But hée very hardly was intreated . But at length the poore drunken Signior cald out for them . In they come . Oh Tom , sayes Tarlton , hard was thy hap , in drunkennesse to murder this honest man , & our hard hap too , to haue it reported , any of our company is hang'd for it . O God , O God , saies the fellow , is my fault so great ? then commend mée to all my friends . Well short tale to make , the fellow forswore drunkennesse , if hée could escape , and by as cunning a wile ( to his thinking ) they got him out of prison by an escape , and sent him to London before , who was not a little glad to be gone . But sée how this iest wrought : by little & little the fellow left his excessiue drinking , and in time altered his desire of drunkennesse . How Tarlton saued his head from cutting off . TArlton vpon a time being in the Country , and lodging in an homely Inne , during which time there was a Gentleman dwelling in the same towne , somewhat franticke and distraught of his wits : which mad-man on a sudden rusht into Tarltons bed-chamber , with his sword drawne , and finding him there in bed , would haue slaine him : saying , Uillaine , were it not valiantly done to strike off thy knaues head at one blow ? Tarlton answered . Tut , Sir , that 's nothing with your Worship to doe : you can as easily strike off two heads at one blow , as one : wherefore , if you please , I le goe downe and call vp another , and so you may strike off both our heads at once . The mad man beléeued him , and so let him slip away . How Tarlton escaped imprisonment . TArlton hauing béen dominéering very late one night , with two of his friends , and comming homewards along Cheape-side , the watch being then set , M. Constable asked , Who goes there ? Thrée merry men , quoth Tarlton . That is not sufficient . What are you , qd . M. Constable ? Why , saies Tarlton , one of vs is an eye-maker , and the other a light-maker . What saiest thou , knaue , doest mocke mée ? the one is an eye-maker , the other a light-maker , which two properties belong vnto God only : commit these blasphemers , quoth the constable . Nay , I pray you good M. Constable , be good in your Office , I will approue what I haue said , to be true qd . Tarlton . If thou canst saies the Constable , you shall passe , otherwise you shall be all thrée punished . Why ( qd . Tarlton ) this fellow is an ey-maker , because a Spectacle-maker ; and this other a maker of light , because a Chādler , that makes your darkest night as light as your Lanthorn . The Constable séeing them so pleasant , was well contented . The rest of the watchmen laughed : & Tarlton with his two companions went home quietly . How Tarlton deceived a Country Wench . THe Quéens players trauelling into the west Country to play , and lodging in a little Uillage , some ten miles from Bristow , in which village dwelt a pretty nut-browne Lasse , to whome Tarlton made proffer of marriage , protested , that he came from London purposely to marry her . The simple maid being proud to bée beloued by such a one whom she knew to bée the Quéenes man , without more intreatie , yéelded : and being both at the Church together , and M. Parson ready to performe his duty , and comming to the words of , I Richard take thée Ioane : nay , stay good Master Parson , I will go and call my fellowes , and come to you again : so going out of the Church in haste , he returned at leasure ; for , hauing his horse ready saddled , he rode toward Bristow , and by the way told his fellowes of his successe with his Wench . How Tarlton went to kill Crowes . IT chanced vpon a time , as Tarlton went foorth with a Birding péece into the fields to kill Crowes , hee spied a Daw sitting in a trée , at which he meant to shoot ; but at the same instant , there came one by , to whome hée spake in this manner : Sir quoth he , yonder I sée a Daw , which I will shoot at if she sit . If she sit , said the other , then she is a Daw indéed : but , quoth Tarlton , if shee sit not , what is she then ? Marry , quoth the other , a Daw also : at which words she immediately flew away : whereupon , Tarlton spake merrily in a Rime , as followeth : Whether a Daw sit , or whether a Daw fly , Whether a Daw stand , or whether a Daw lye , Whether a Daw creepe , or whether a Daw cry , In what case soever a Daw persever , A Daw is a Daw , and a Daw shall be ever . How a poore Begger-man ouer-reached Tarlton by his wit. AS Tarlton vpon a day sate at his owne doore , to him came a poore old man & begged a peny for the Lords sake : whereupon Tarlton hauing no single money about him , askt the begger what mony he had ? No more mony , Master , but one single peny . Tarlton , being merrily disposed called for his peny , and hauing receiued it , gaue it to his Boy to fetch a pot of Ale : whereat the begger grew blanke , and began to gather vp his wits , how to get it again : the pot of Ale , for the beggers peny , being brought , he proffered to drinke to the Begger . Nay , stay awhile Master , quoth the Begger , the vse is , where I was borne , that hee that payes for the drink , must drink first . Thou saist well , quoth Tarlton ; goe to , Drink to me then . Wherevpon the begger tooke the Pot , saying , Here , Master , I drink to you , ( & therewithall dranke off euery drop . ) Now Master , if you will pledge me , send for it as I haue done . Tarlton séeing himselfe so ouer-reacht , greatly commended the Beggers wit , and withall in recompence thereof , gaue him a Teaster : with that the Begger said , that hée would most truly pray to God for him . No , answered Tarlton , I pray thée pray for thy selfe , for I take no vsury for almes-déeds . Of Tarltons pleasant answer to a Gallant by the high-way side . IT was Tarltons occasion another time to ride into Suffolk , being furnished with a very leane large horse : and by the way , a lusty Gallant met him ; and in mockage asked him , what a yard of his horse was worth ? Marry Sir , quoth Tarlton , I pray you alight , and lift vp my horses Taile , and they in that shop will tell you the price of a yard . How Tarlton would haue drowned his Wife . VPon a time , as Tarlton and his Wife , ( as passengers ) came sailing from Southampton towards London , a mighty storme arose , and endangered the Ship , wherevpon , the Captaine thereof charged euery man to throw into the Seas the heauiest thing hée could best spare , to the end to lighten some-what the Ship. Tarlton , that had his Wife there , offered to throw her ouer-boord : but the company rescued her ; and being asked wherefore he meant so to doe ? he answered , She is the heauiest thing I haue , and I can best spare her . How Tarlton made his Will and Testament . OF late there was a Gentlman liuing in England , that wheresoeuer he dined , would of euery dish conney a modicum thereof into his Gowne sléeue : which Gentleman being vpon a time at dinner at a Gentlemans house in the Country , there he vsed his aforesaid quality , in the company of Master Tarlton , who perceiuing it , said thus vnto the company : My Masters , I am now determined before you all , to make my last Will and Testament : And first , I bequeath my soule to God my Creator , and my body to be buried in the sléeue of yonder Gentlemans Gowne , and with that , stepping to him , he turned vp the Gowne sléeue , whereout , here dropt a bit , and there a bit , with choice of much other good chéere , still shaking it , saying , I meant this sléeue , Gentlman , this sléeue I meant . How Tarlton called a Gentleman knave by craft . WIthin a while after , as the same Gentleman and Tarlton passed thorow a field together , a Crow in a Trée cried Kaw , Kaw , See yonder Tarlton , quoth the Gentleman yonder Crow calleth thée knaue . No , Sir ( he answered ) he beckens to your Worship as the better man. Tarltons Iest of a Country Wench . TArlton going towards Hogsdon , met a country maid comming to market , her Mare stumbling , downe shée fell ouer and ouer , shewing all that euer God sent her , and then rising vp againe , shée turned her round about vnto Master Tarlton , and said , Gods body Sir , Did you euer sée the like before ? No , in good sooth , quoth Tarlton , neuer but once in London . How Tarlton deceived an Inne-holder at Sandwich . VPon a time , when the Plaiers were put to silence , Tarlton & his Boy frollickt so long in the Countrey , that all their money was gone , and béeing a great way from London , they knew not what to doe ; but as want is the whetstone of wit , Tarlton gathered his conceits together , and practised a trick to beare him vp to London without money , and thus it was : Unto an Inne in Sandwich they went , and there lay for two daies at great charge , although he had no money to pay for the same : the third morning he bade his man goe downe , and male-content himself before his host and his hostesse , and mumbling say to himself , Lord , Lord , what a scald Master doe I serue ? this it is to serue such Seminary Priests and Iesuites : now euen as I am an honest Boy , I le leaue him in the lurch , and shift for my selfe : here 's adoe about Penance and Mortification , as though ( forsooth ) Christ hath not dyed enough for all . The Boy mumbled out these his instructions so dissembling , that it strooke a iealously in the Inne-holders heart , that out of doubt his master was a Seminarie Priest ; whereupon , he presently sent for the Constable , and told him all the foresaid matter & so went vp both together to attache Tarlton in his chamber , who purposely had shut himself close in , and betaken him to his knées , & to his crosses , to make the matter séeme more suspitious : which they espying through the key-hole , made no more adoe , but in they rushed , & arrested him for a Seminarie Priest , discharged his score , bore his , & his boyes charges vp to London , and there in hope to haue rich rewards , presented him to M. Fleetwood , the old Recorder of London : but now marke the Iest ; when the Recorder saw Tarlton , and knew him passing well , entertained him very courteously , and all to befool'd the Inne-holder , & his mate , and sent them away whith fleas in their eares : but when Tarlton sawe himselfe discharged out of their hand he stood iesting and pointing at their folly , and so taught them by cunning , more wit and thrift against another time . Of Tarltons Wrongfull accusation . VPon a time Tarlton was wrongfully accused for getting of a Gentlemans Maid with child and for the same , brought before a Iustice in Kent , which Iustice said as followeth : It is a mervalle ( M. Tarlton ) that you being a Gentleman of good qualitie , and one of her Maiesties servants , would venture thus to get Maides with childe . Nay rather ( quoth Tarlton ) were it maruell , if a maid had gotten me with child . Tarlton deceived by a Country wench . TArlton trauelling to play abroad , was in a Towne where in the Inne was a pretty maid , whose fauour was placed in a corner of Tarltons affection : and talking with her , shée appoynted to méet him at the bottom of a paire of staires . Night and the houre came , and the maid subtilly sent downe her Mistresse : whome Tarlton catching in his armes , Art come , wench , saies hée ? Out alas , sayes the Mistres , not knowing who it was . Tarlton hearing it was the Mistres , start aside , and the maid came downe with a candle , and shée espyde a glimpse of Tarlton in the darke , who stept into another roome . How now , Mistres , said the maid ? Something ( said shée ) affrighted me , some man sure , for I heard him speake . No , no , Mistresse , said the Maid , it is no man , it was a Bull calf that I shut into a roome , till Iohn our Pounder came to haue pounded him for a stray . Had I thought that ( saith she ) I would haue bit him such a knocke on his forehead , that his hornes should never have grac'd his Coxcombe , and so she departs vp againe afra●id . But how Tarlton tooke this iest , think you . How Tarlton could not abide a Cat , and deceiued himselfe . IN the Country Tarlton told his Oastesse he was a Coniurer . O sir ( sayes she ) I had pewter stolne off my shelfe the other day , help me to it , and I will forgiue you all the pots of Ale you owe mee , which is sixteene dozen . Sayes Tarlton , To morrow morning the Diuell shall helpe you to it , or I will trounce him . Morning came , and the Oastesse and he met in a roome by themselues . Tarlton , to passe the time with exercise of his wit , with Circles and tricks falls to coniure , hauing no more skill then a dogge . But sée the iest , how contrarily it fell out : as he was calling out , mons , pons , simul & fons , and such like , a Cat ( vnexpected ) leapt from the gutter window , which sight so amazed Tarlton , that he skipt thence , & threw his Hostesse downe , so that he departed with his fellowes , and left her hip out of ioynt , being then in the Surgeons hands , and not daring to tell how it came . How Tarlton and his Oastesse of Waltham met . TArlton riding with divers Citizens his friends , to make merry at Waltham , by the way he met with his Oastesse riding toward London , whome hée of old acquaintance saluted . Shée demands whither they went ? Tarlton told her , to make merry at Waltham . Sir ( saies she ) then let me request your company at my house at the Christopher , and ( for old familiarity ) spend your money there . Not vnlesse you goe backe ( saies Tarlton ) we will else goe to the Hound . But she ( loth to lose their custome ) sent to London by her man , & goes back with them , who by the way had much mirth , for she was an excéeding merry honest womā , yet would take any thing : which Tarlton hearing , as wise as he was ( thinking her of his minde ) he was deceiued : yet he askt her if the biggest bed in her house were able to hold two of their bignesse ( meaning himself & her ? ) Yes ( saies she ) and tumble vp and downe at pleasure . Yea , one vpon another , saies Tarlton ? And vnder too , saies she . Well , to haue their custome , she agreed to euery thing , like a subtill Oastesse : and it fell so out that Tarlton hauing her in a roome at her house , askt her which of those two beds were big enough for them two ? This , said she : therefore goe to bed sweet-heart , I le come to thee . Masse ( saies Tarlton ) were my Bootes off , I would indeed . I 'le help you , Sir ( saies she ) if you please . Yea ( thought Tarlton ) is the wind in that doore ? come on then . And she very diligently begins to pull , till one boot was half off . Now ( saies she ) this being hard to doe , let me try my cunning on the other , and so get off both . But hauing both half off his legs , she left him alone in the Shoomakers stocks , and got her to London , where Tarlton , was three houres , and had no help . But being eas'd of his paine , he made this Ryme for a Theame , singing of it all the way to London : Women are Wanton , and hold it no sinne , By tricks and devices to pull a man in . Tarltons meeting with his Countrey acquaintance at Ilford . ON a Sunday , Tarlton rode to Ilford , where his father kept : and dining with him at his Sisters , there came in diuers of the Countrey to see him , amongst whom was one plaine Countrey plough-iogger , who said hee was of Tarltons kin , & so called him cousin . But Tarlton demanded of his father if it were so ? but he knew no such matter ; whereupon saies Tarlton , whether he be of my kin or no , I will be cousin to him ere we part , if all the drinke in Ilford will doe it . So vpon this they caroused fréely , & the Clowne was then in his Cue so that ( in briefe ) they were both in soundly . Night came & Tarlton would not let his cousin goe , but they would lye together that night , meaning to drinke at their departure next morning . Tarlton would by wit leaue him in the lash , since power would not . But sée the jest : That night the plaine fellow so pist Tarlton in his bed , thinking he had béen against the Church wal , that he was faine to cry for a fresh shirt to shift him ▪ So when al was well , they must néeds drinke at parting : where indéed ( to seale kindred soundly ) the fellow h●d his loade : for hearing that his cousin Tarlton , was gone to London , zounds he would follow , that he would , none could hold him : and meaning to goe towards London , his aime was so good , that he went towards Rumford to sell his Hogs . How a Maid drave Tarlton to a Non-plus . TArlton méeting with a wily Country wench , who gaue him quip for quip ; Swéet heart ( said hée ) would my flesh were in thine . So would I , Sir ( saies shee ) I would your nose were in my , I know where . Tarlton angred at this , said no more ; but goes forward . Tarltons answere to a question . ONe asked Tarltō why Munday was called Sundaies fellow ? Because he is a sausie fellow ( saies Tarlton ) to compare with that holy day . But if may be , Munday thinkes himselfe Sundayes fellow , because it followes Sunday , and is next after : but he comes a day after the Faire for that . Nay ( saies the fellow ) but if two Sundayes fall together , Munday then may be the first , and it would shew well too . Yes ( saies Tarlton ) but if thy nose stood vnder thy mouth , it would shew better , and be more for thy profit . How for my profit , said the fellow ? Marry ( said Tarlton ) neuer to be cold in winter , being so néere euery dogs taile . The fellow séeing a foolish question had a foolish answere , laid his legges on his neck , and got him gone . Tarltons desire of enough for money . TArlton comming into a Market towne bought Oates for his horse , and desired enough for money : the man said . You shall , Sir and gaue him two halfe pecks for one . Tarlton thought his Horse should that night fare largely , and comes to him with this Rime : Iack Nag , he brag , and lustie braue it , I have enough for mony , and thou shalt have it . But when Iack Nag smelt to them , they were so musty , that he would none ( God thanke you , Master ) which Tarlton séeing , runnes into the Market , and would slash and cut . But til the next Market day the fellow was not to be found , and before then Tarlton must be gone . How Tarltons Dogge lickt vp six pence . TArlton in his Trauaile had a Dogge of fine qualities , amongst the rest , he would carry six pence in the end of his tongue , of which he would brag often , and say , Never was the like . Yes , saies a Lady , mine is more strange , for he will beare a French crowne in his mouth : no , saies Tarlton , I thinke not : lend me a French crowne , saies the Lady , and you shall sée : truly Madame , I haue it not but if your dog will carry a crackt English crowne , here if is but the Lady perceiued not the iest , but was desirous to see the dogs trick of six pence . Tarlton threw down a teaster , and said , Bring Sirra : and by fortune the Dog took vp a Counter , and let the money lie : a Gentlewoman by , séeing that , askt him how long he would hold it ? An houre , saies Tarltō : that is pretty , said the Gentlewoman , let 's sée that : meane time she tooke vp the sixe pence , and willed him to let them sée the money againe : when he did sée it , it was a Counter , and he made this Rime . Alas , alas , how came all this to passe ? The worlds worse then it was : For silver turns to brasse . I , sayes the Lady , & the dog hath made his master an Asse : but Tarlton would never trust to his Dogs tricks more . Tarltons Iest of a Horse and a Man. IN the City of Norwich , Tarlton was on a time inuited to an hunting : where there was a goodly Gentlewoman , that brauely mounted on a blacke horse , rode excéeding well , to the wonder of all the beholders , and neither hedge nor ditch stood in her way , but Pegasus her horse ( for so may we tearme him for swiftnesse ) flew ouer all , and she sate him aswell . When euery one returned home , some at Supper commended his Hound , others his Hawke , and shée aboue all , her Horse : and , said she , I loue no liuing creature so well ( at this instant ) as my gallant horse : yes Lady , a man better , saies Tarlton . Indéed no , said shée , not now : For since my last husband dyed , I hate them most , vnlesse you can giue me medicines to make me loue them . Tarlton made this iest instantly : Why , a Horse mingeth Whay , Madam , a Man mingeth Amber , A Horse is for your Way , Madam , but a man for your Chamber . God a mercy , Tarlton , said the men : which the Gentlewoman noting , séeing they tooke exceptions at her words , to make all well , answered thus : That a Horse is my chiefe opinion now , I deny not , And when a man doth me more good in my chamber , I him defie not . But till then give me leaue to loue something : then something will please you , said Tarlton , I am glad of that , therefore I pray God send you a good thing , or none at all . Tarltons talke with a pretty Woman . GEntlewoman , said Tarlton , and the rest as you sit , I can tell you strange things : now many Gallants at Supper noted one woman , who being little and pretty , to vnfit her prettinesse , had a great wide mouth , which she séeming to hide , would pinch in her spéeches , and speake small , but was desirous to heare newes . Tarlton told at his comming from London to Norwich , a Proclamation was made that euery man should haue two wiues . now Iesus , qd . she is it possible ? I Gentlewoman , and other wise able too , for contrarily women haue a larger préeminence , for euery woman must haue thrée husbands : Now Iawsus , said the Gentlewoman , and with wonder shewes the full widenesse of her mouth , which all the table smil'd at : which she perceiuing , would answere no more . Now Mistris , said , Tarlton , your mouth is lesse then euer it was , for now it is able to say nothing . Thou art a cogging Knaue , said she . Masse , and that is somthing yet , said Tarlton , your mouth shall be as wide as euer it was , for that Iest. A Iest of Tarlton to a great man. THere was a great huge man , 3. yards in the wast , at S. Edmondsbury in Suffolk , that died but of late daies ( one M. Blague by name ) & a good kinde Iustice too , carefull for the poore , this Iustice met with Tarlton in Norwich : Tarlton , said he , Giue me thy hand : But , you Sir , being richer , may giue me a greater gift , giue me your body : and imbracing him , could not halfe compasse him : being merry in talke , said the Iustice : Tarlton , tell me one thing , what is the difference betwixt a Flea and a Louse ? Marry , Sir ; said Tarlton , as much and like difference , as twixt you and me : I like a Flea sée else ) can skip nimbly : But you , like a fat Louse créepe slowly , and you can go no faster , though Butchers are ouer you , ready to knock you on the head . Thou art a knaue , quoth the Iustice. I , Sir , I knew that ere I came hither , else I had not béen here now , for euer one knave ( making a stop ) séekes out another . The Iustice vnderstanding him ▪ laughed heartily . Tarltons Iest to a maid in the darke . TArlton going in the darke , groping out his way , heares the tread of some one to méet him . Who goes there , saies he ? A man , or a monster ? said the maid , A monster : said Tarlton , A candle hoe : and séeing who it was , Indéed said he , A monster , I le be sworne : for thy téeth are longer then thy heard , O Sir , said the maid , speake no more then you see , for women goe inuisible now adayes . Tarltons Iest to a Dogge . TArlton and his fellows , being in the Bishop of Worcesters Seller , and being largely laid to , Tarlton had his rouse , and going through the streets , a Dogge ( in the middle of the street , asleep , on a dunghill ) seeing Tarlton reele on him , on the suddaine barkt , How now Dog , saies Tarlton , are you in your humors ? and many daies after it was a by-word to a man being drunke , that he was in his humors . FINIS .