The marriage-hater match'd a comedy acted at the Theatre Royal by Their Majesties servants / written by Tho. D'Urfey. D'Urfey, Thomas, 1653-1723. This text is an enriched version of the TCP digital transcription A36994 of text R3836 in the English Short Title Catalog (Wing D2749). Textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. The text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with MorphAdorner. The annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). Textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish.This text has not been fully proofread Approx. 245 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 35 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. EarlyPrint Project Evanston,IL, Notre Dame, IN, St. Louis, MO 2017 A36994 Wing D2749 ESTC R3836 12413487 ocm 12413487 61609

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Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A36994) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 61609) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 938:2) The marriage-hater match'd a comedy acted at the Theatre Royal by Their Majesties servants / written by Tho. D'Urfey. D'Urfey, Thomas, 1653-1723. [12], 54, [2] p. Printed for Richard Bentley ..., London : 1692. Reproduction of original in Bodleian Library. eng English drama (Comedy) English drama -- Restoration, 1660-1700. shcnoThe Marriage Hater MatchedD'Urfey, Thomas16924350956300000129.4F The rate of 129.4 defects per 10,000 words puts this text in the F category of texts with 100 or more defects per 10,000 words. 2003-08 Assigned for keying and markup 2003-09 Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-10 Sampled and proofread 2003-10 Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-12 Batch review (QC) and XML conversion

THE MARRIAGE-HATER Match'd : A COMEDY ACTED at the Theatre Royal By THEIR MAJESTIES SERVANTS .

Written by THO. D'URFEY , Gent.

LONDON , Printed for Richard Bentley , at the Post-House in Russel-Street in Covent-Garden . 1692.

TO THE ILLUSTRIOUS and Truly NOBLE Prince , JAMES , Duke , Marquess , and Earl of Ormond in England and Ireland ; Earl of Ossory , and Viscount Thurles ; Baron of Arclo ; Lord of the Regallities and Liberties of the County of Tiperary ; Baron of Lanthony ; Earl of Brecknock ; Chancellor of the University of Oxford ; one of the Lords of the Bed-Chamber to His Sacred Majesty , and Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Garter . May it Please Your Grace ,

WHEN first my Propitious or Malignant Stars influenc'd the little Genius I now pretend to in Poetry , the Incouragement I had from your Noble Grandfather ( whose Extraordinary Iudgment in the Beauties of that Art , as well as Generous Candour in Excusing the Errours of it , render'd him best capable of being a Patron ingag'd me to Launch my ill ballass'd Bark into an Ocean where most of our Tribe too late find themselves becalm'd with uncertain Applause , or else wrack'd in the storm of ill-natur'd Criticism . Yet had that Illustrious Hero's Commands such an August Prerogative over me , that knowing my Fame sufficiently Establish'd in his Applause , successful enough I ventur'd on , 'till his never to be forgotten loss to all in General , made me too sadly deplore my own in particular .

How Charming a thing is Dignity , when adorn'd with the glittering Crown of Sence , and the humble Robe of Humility : The Great Ormond was blest with both , in perfection ; and not only a true Iudge and Generous Patron of Arts and Sciences , but modestly familiar with Virtue , tho' in Rags ; never slighting the poor Scholar for his Thread-bare Coat , nor pleas'd with the vain outside of an Embroyder'd Fopp , whose inside he knew to be unfurnish'd .

I infer this , as lamenting the ill fortune of Poets , that are not bless'd with a Friendly Party , or a Iudicious Patron , whose allow'd Vnderstanding , as well as generous good Nature can defend their Works from Malicious Censurers ; the Time's Vices will bear no Reflection , and let the Play be never so just to the Rules , if a Rott me Spark finds himself hit , or Madam La Pupsey takes the hint that her dear Lap-Dog is expos'd , the Labour it self is like to be the Poet 's only Reward : Modest Reproof is taken for absurd Abuse , and honest Satyr for Dogmatick Slaunder .

And though Horace , reflecting upon such as are blind to �heir own Vices in his time , had Courage enough to dare to tell 'em , Stultus , & Improbus , hic Amor est dignusque notari . Yet had he liv'd in this Age , and in some Satyrical Piece had dar'd to Expose a Maenius , &c. without a Maecenas to Protect it , his Merit tho' never so Extraordinary , or Fancy or Stile were it never so pure , would all be too weak to defend it against the Critical Party , that found themselves Concern'd .

This , I must humbly inform your Grace , I mean as to the General state of Satyrical Poets , without any reflection upon my own ; the ensuing Scenes being design'd for diversion , and more proper to oblige an Audience to smile than frown ; and tho' some perhaps , being affected with ill Humours , might pick out something to dislike , they generously agreed to incourage my Profit ; and those that found themselves pleas'd , I thank my Stars , still far exceeded the others in number .

Having at last so well acquitted it self on the Stage ( tho' the thronging , imperfect Action , and worse than all , the faulty length , which I will never be guilty of again , render'd it little Diversion the first day ) I confess , I could not stifle my Ambition of defiring this honour of your Graces Patronage , and as I have already always found a true Maecenas in your Illustrious Family : You , by a free and easie grant of so great a favour , an endearing sweetness in Behaviour , and graceful Condescension , have so added to my heap of Obligations , that I am dis�bled by �xcess to instruct my Pen my heart 's grateful Sentiments .

All Praise is too low , when it approaches to your Graces Character ; to say you are adorn'd with the Graceful Humility , Eternal Honour , and Wisdom of your admir'd Grandfather ; the Merit , Loyalty , and unequal'd Bravery of your Martial Father , whose Loss our Bleeding Country has never yet recover'd , i Praise indeed , but scarce aspiring to your Desert ; your Glorious Campaign with his Sacred Majesty , and all your other Actions , during this Reign , sufficiently sounding your Applause , and ingaging every true Englishman , not only to Love , but Admire ; amongst the Crowd of which , I think it my greatest Honour to be Ranked , esteeming no good Fortune greater than to be allow'd ,

My Lord , Your Lordship 's Most Humble , Devoted , and Obedient Servant , T. D'URFEY .
A LETTER TO Mr. D'URFEY , Occasioned by his PLAY Called the Marriage-Hater Match'd . Dear Friend ,

I AM sensible the World will esteem a Friend too Partial a Judge of the performance of a Friend , yet since I am satisfied that I can divest my self of all prejudice against the Writings of even an Enemy , and allow him that praise which Justice requires ; I think I may with the greater assurance say , that I will give no more favourable Censure on this Play of yours , than the severest Critick ought , if he but regulate himself according to the merits of the Cause , and will let Reason , and the Rules of Art weigh more with him , than the inconsiderate Railings of some of your Enemies , or the ungenerous malice of others ; who , because they have attempted the Province of Comedy with less success , think to regain their Credit by Damning every one that has the Art of Pleasing beyond them ; and since they cannot arrive to the Excellence of the Old way of Writing , would advance a new one of their own production , adapted to their undesigning Genius .

But that which is th� most strange is , that some of our Criticks , like Juglers , stare us in the face , and Palm upon us their own Fancy for the Opinion and Practices of the Ancients , and perswade us that a Bundle of Dialogues was all that was ever required to the framing a good Play ; and that Terence had no other Excellence but the neatness of Phrase . Either they never read that Poet themselves , or suppose no body else did ; otherwise I cannot imagine how they can maintain so gross a falsity , which may so easily be contradicted , by a ��ort view of the Plots of his Comedies : I will begin with his first , called ��dria .

Pamphilus the Son of Simo , debauches Glyceriam the supposed Sister of Chrysis ( a Native of the Island of Andros ) she proves with Child , and he infinitely enamour'd of her , promises her Marriage , with a full Resolution to be as good as his word ; but Chremes won with the good Character and Parts of Pamphilus , proposes his Daughter Phileumena , for his Wife to Simo ; the Old Men agree , and settle the Preliminaries � the Wedding day approaches , but the death of Chrysis the supposed S��ter of Glycerium intervenes ; Pamphilus , Simo , and others being at the Funeral , Glycerium distracted with grief , had flung her self in the Burning-Pile , had no� her Lover Pamphilus run to her rescue ; but he with such ardour embrac'd and comforted her , that the Old Gentleman his Father , and the rest of the Spectators had shrew'd suspicions tha��his care of her proceeded from ill disguis'd Love ; Chremes with a great deal of indignation breaks off the Match ; but Simo , willing to find out the truth of the matter , conceals it from his Son , assuring him he must prepare to be immediately Marry'd . Pamphilus is at a great loss what to do , 'till his Servant Davus perswades him to dissemble a seeming readiness to comply with his Father's will ; but this Policy of Davus had like to have spoil'd all , for on his Sons Compliance , Simo soon pacifies Chremes , and so set the Wedding on foot again , which Pamphilus finding no way to obstruct , Davus takes care to have the Child of Glycerium by Pamphilus expos'd to the view and knowledge of Chremes ; who , upon that , once more in a great fury breaks off the match ; but after a great deal of disturbance , all settles in quiet , to the content of all Parties . For Crito the next �kin to Chrysis , arrives at Athens , to take Possession of her Goods as her lawful Heir , and discovers Glycerium to be Pasibula , the Daughter of Chremes , who overjoy'd at the discovery , gives her to Pamphilus for Wife , and Philumena to Charinus , who had long been in love with her , and who makes another Person in the Play �

To have given a larger Argument of this Comedy , wou'd have been too tedious , since here is enough to �atisfie any one that Terence had something else in his eye , besides the purity of his Language ; otherwise Horace had with small reason given him , in his first Epistle of his second Book to Augustus , the distinctive Character , that his excellence lay in his Art.

Plautus ad exemplar siculi properare Epicharmi , Vincere Caecilius gravitate Terentius Arte.

I may spare the pains of taking notice of his Eunuch , or Adelphi , since the Town has seen them both , under the names of Bellamira , and the Squire of Alsatia . In his Heautontimorumenos , the several Designs of Chremes on Menedemus , and Syrus on both ; the Discovery of Antiphila to be the Daughter of Chremes , and Sostrata , the Plot and Contrivance of Syrus to get the Money for Bacchis , and the disappointment of all these Designs , just when almost brought to perfection , will shew , that none that ever read him cou'd in justice say he had no Plot or Intrigue in his Plays : Nay , his Hecyra , which is said to have met with but little applause , and is doubted by some as spurious , is not without a good Plot , and several turns . But i� would be superfluous to run through all particulars of this , and the other of Phormio , since by what is already said , there is nothing so evident , as that Terence took care of Plot as well as words , and was not less skil'd in the Protasis , Epistatis , Catastasis , and Catastrophe , than in the Dialogue , or Discourse .

But were it true , that Terence wanted this perfection , as they wou'd have it yet I can see no reason but that this Excellence should be valu'd ; for the end of Comedy , being for Pleasure , as well as Instruction ; that certainly which contributes most to the first , without prejudice to the latter , must be acknowledged an accomplishment not to be slighted . For the several neat turns of a Play keep the minds of the Auditory employ'd with expectation , hope , and desire , which all end in satisfaction , at the conclusion or unravelling of the Plot. But let the Moral or Instructive part be never so well writ , the Language never so fine , yet if the Action goes on without any Plot to divert us , we see through all at first sight , and grow weary before the Play is half done , for it gratifies none of our Passions , without which there can be no pleasure .

By what has been said , will appear that you , Sir , keep up to the noble Standard of the Antients , and tho' it be one of the greatest and most di��icult parts of the hard task of a Comick Poet , yet you have always been very fortunate in it , especially in this last Comedy of yours , called the Marriage-Hater Match'd . I must needs say I think is your best , and far beyond that of the Boarding School ; the turns are so surprizing , and natural , that I may say without flattery , 't is not in the power of any Person to out-do them . The wit of Sir Philip and the Widow , like sprightly Blood in youthful Veins , runs through the whole Play , giving it a Noble and vigorous Life ; you have farther observ'd that decorum of Poetick Justice , in making Sir Philip be caught in his own Plot , to deceive another , and marry her , who had so well merited him , as Ph�be , alias Lov��e�� , who made a very pretty Figure on the Stage . Such a variety of Humours and Characters I have seldom seen in one Play ; and those so truly drawn , that they all look like principal Parts ; and that which is more , they are all New , and so worthy observation : that indeed I admire the humour of Madam La Pupsey has been so long neglected , since grown to so general a custom , that the Lap Dog takes up all the thoughts of the fair Sex , whilst the faithful Lover sighs in vain , and at a distance unregarded . This was an usurpation on our Prerogative , and had been born too long . The humour of Van Grin is new , and not so unpleasant , but that it deserves to be more taken notice of , being very material to set off the rest .

Then the Skittishness of Mrs. Margery , and the �reakishness of Berenice , are faults too general not to be exposed ; besides , who is there so wedded to Melancholy , like the Son of the Emperour Philip �he First , but must give way to Laughter , to see the pleasant Humour of Bias , and the extraordinary diversion of Solon .

I am sensible that Callow was so like the Life , that the Rot me Sparks openly declar'd their dissatisfaction at the Satyr : but 't is a sign it hit them , when they complain of the wound . 'T is a base and ill-natur'd , as well as ignorant Age of Chriticism , when the Vertues of a Play shall be Arraigned as Defects ; for if these Gentlemen understood either the Original , or end of Comedy , they wou'd never quarrel with the Satyr of it , since from its beginning 't was design'd to correct Vice , and Folly , by exposing them .

Little had the Poetick harmony of Orpheus contributed to the benefit of Mankind , by calling the Humane Salvages from their rude way of living , to Society , if Comedy had no� come in to reform those abuses which grew from Conversation ; Necessity indeed was its Mother , for the Follies and Vices of the City as well as the Countrey , grew beyond all other Redress , which made the Country Pe�ple ( to whom we owe too the Beucolic Poetry ) when they Celebrated their Festivals to Apollo Nomius , for the preservation of the Fruits and Products of the Earth , in songs and Madrigals recriminate on those that had abus'd them : From this beginning , they made another step , and in the night time they frequently entred the City , and expos'd such of the more Opulent and Remarkable Citizens , as by their Vanities or Oppressions had render'd themselves j�stly odious ; here they proceeded to a particular ennumeration of the wrongs they had received , and the ills which they had suffer'd under . The Magistrates and Government observing that this Course was more Powerful than the Laws for the restraining of Vice , and that the fear of the loss of their Reputation , kept those from ill , that cou'd perhaps evade the Penalties of the Laws by Money , or Favour ; granted a formal License for the performing this in the day time in Verse , from thence Comedy immediately derives it self , which at first , like our Lam�oons , fear'd not to mention the very names of those it wou'd expose . Cratinus was the first that divided into distinct Parts , or Acts ; and Aristop�anes brought it to a more Regular and Compleat Form ; the liberty and bold assuran�e of this first state of Comedy , Horace in his Fourth Satyr of his First Book , shews us in these Five Verses .

Eupolis , atque Cratinus , Aristophanesque Poetae Atque alli quorum Comaedia Pri��� virorum est , Si quis erat dignus describi , quod Malus aut fur Quod Maechus foret , aut Sicarius , aut alioqui Famosus , multâ cum libertate notabatur .

But the Thirty Tyrants of Athens being themselves so guilty of all manner of Vices , thought they cou'd not better secure themselves in the practice of them , than to gain a Liberty for others to come in for their share , that by the multitud� of Offenders , they might be the less observed ; but they knew no way to effect their desire , but by taking away this Liberty of Comedy , which kept the Citizens in awe , and within the bounds of Justice ; wherefore they established a Law , that any one that should find himself expos'd on the Stage , might sue for Satisfaction . This pleas'd the Wealthy ones so well , that after Expulsion of these Usurpers , Athens preferred this Sanction which so much indulged their Inclinations ; so that from this time the Chorus was left off in Comedies , for in them chiefly was names of particular Persons , with their Crimes recited . Horace seems to approve of this Alteration , in these words ,

Successit vetus his Comaedia non sine multâ Laude , sed in vitium libertas excidit , & vim Dignam lege regi ; lex est accepta Chorusque Turpiter oblicuit , sublato fure nocendi .

But still the Business of Comedy was to expose the general Vices and Follies of the Age , under feign'd Names : So that to eccept against your Play , for the Satyr of it only , shews your Enemies are wretchedly put to 't to find a real fault in 't , when they condemn that which is an Excellence , without which , the Poet gains but half his point , losing the Utile , which i� an essential part of his Design and Duty .

But if you cou'd meet with generous Enemies , they would forgive those Errors their quicker sight might dis�over , for the Beauties and delightful Entertainment of the Lyric part , the Songs I mean , in which I think there is none will ( I am sure none ought to ) dispute your Title to the Preheminence .

If there be any fault in this Play , 't is that which few are guilty of ; that is , there are too many good Characters , too full of Humour , a very pardonable failing , which only proceeds from Vari�ty , the life of Pleasure and Wit , tho' that gave it the disadvantage of seeming too long the first days Acting , tho' the Stage's being throng'd with Spectators , did not a little contribute to the imperfect Acting of it , which accidental Misfortunes concurring with the Endeavours of an opposite Faction , must needs have damn'd it , had it not by the Force and Vigour of its own Worth , rais'd it self the second day with the general Applause of all that saw it . Horace thinks it a sufficient proof of a good Poem , if it will bear a second view ; Haec placuit semel , haec bis repetita placebit . But the Marriage-hater went further , and in spight of all the disadvantages i� labour'd under of Action and Aud�ence , pleas'd on , after several times Repetition , and will as long as Wit , Humour , and Plot shall be esteem'd as necessary Materials to compose a good Play. Which have given me so great a Satisfaction both in the Reading and Seeing , that I must beg you , to give me leave , to attest it to the World ,

Who am , Your Friend , and Humblest Servant , CHARLES GILDON .

THE NAMES and CHARACTERS . L. Brainless . A Pert , Noisy , Impertinent Boy , always thrusting himself into the Ladies Company , and receiv'd for his Treats , and the Diversion his Folly gives ; a great Admirer of La Pupsey , and Jealous of her Lap-dog : Acted by Mr. Bowman . Sir Pilip Freewit . A wild witty Gent. of the Town , who being Jilted by Lady Subtle , whom he once Loved , professes himself a Marriage Hater : Acted by Mr. Monfort . Sir Lawr. Limber . A peevish , old-fashion'd Courtier , ridiculously Indulgent and Fond of the two Fools his Sons : Acted by Mr. Sandford . Capt. Darewell . An honest blunt Sea Captain , true to his Country's Interest , and the Government : Acted by Mr. Hodson . Myn. Here Van Grin . A Clownish fat Flanderkin , always laughing at what he says himself , and believing it a Jest , tho' never such Nonsence : Acted by Mr. Leigh . Bias. Eldest Son to Sir Lawrence , a blunt rude Booby , sawcy with Women ; and tho' despis'd by 'em , very opinionated of his own Merit : Acted by Mr. Bright . Solon . Youngest Son to Sir Lawrence , a dull softly Fool , till vex'd , but then robustly stout and fearless of Danger : Acted by Mr. Doggett . Callow . A Raskally Lieutenant , disaffected to the Government , tho' he has taken a Commission to serve it ; a fellow of no Principles , and always ending every Paragraph of his Discourse with an Oath or a Curse : Acted by Mr. Bow�n . Mac Buffle . � An ignorant Irishman , Servant to Sir Philip : Acted by Mr. Trefuse . Thummum . � A Toping Parson , Brother to Mac Buffle ; by Mr. Smeaton . Splutter . A Cunning Tricking Lawyer , a Creature of Lady Subtles . � Acted by Mr. Colly .

WOMEN Lady Subtle . A Proud , high Spirited Widow , who thinking her self affronted by Sir Philip , by his Intrigue with Phaebe , tho' she had ingag'd to Marry him , breaks off all , and takes another : Acted by Mrs. Barry . Lady Bumfiddle . A Prating , Matchmaking , Eating , Impertinent Creature , visiting every one for the sake of a good Dinner , and always teizing 'em with fulsome Stories of the Intrigues about the Town : Acted by Mrs. Cory . Phaebe , ali . Lovewell . A pretty Innocent , well-natur'd Creature , who being in Love with Sir Philip , and debauch'd by him upon his promise of Marriage , puts her self into Bo ��� thes , and manages his business against the Window , underhand : acted by Mrs. Bracegirdle . Berenice . A witty Sister to Lady Subtle , a Brisk , Humorous , Freakish Creature , who tho' She is in Love with Captain Darewell , is always teizing and playing tricks with him to know his Temper : Acted by Mrs. Lassells . La Pupsey . An Impertinent Creature , always stuffing her Discourse with hard words , and perpetually kissiing and talking to her Lapdog : Acted by Mrs. Butler . Margery . Daughter to Sir Lawrence , a Lisping , Raw , Ignorant , Skittish Creature , Modest before Company , but otherwise awkerdly Confident : Acted by Mrs. Lawson . Comode . � Woman to Berenice . Primwell . � Woman to Lady Subtle . Singers , Masquers , Drawers , Footmen , and Attendants .

SCENE , The Park near Kensington . The Space , Thirty Hours .

ACT I.
SCENE I. Enter Sir Philip and Lovewell . Sir Phil.

GOod Morrow to my sweet Contriver , thou dear Life-blood of my Design , how goes our Business forward ?

Love.

Why just like that of a needy Client , who has a knotty Cause and no Fee to give , the Stars we us'd to brag of , Sir Philip , have fail'd us in this Juncture , damnably .

Sir Phil.

Black Clouds , and Fogs of rank envenom'd Fenns , eclipse 'em for 't , I say , but prithee , my little Engine�r , how have they fail'd ? hah , what has this Devil of a Widow over-reach'd us agen , are the Writings come from Hambourgh ?

Love.

Most certainly , and by another Hand than we expected .

Sir Phil.

Another Hand , who , prithee ?

Love.

Why , by what I could discover by the glimpse I had of him , and by listning in the next Room , I find him to be a Man of more Bulk than Brain ; in short , a Swagbelly'd Flanderkin , a Nephew to our old Knight , Sir Lawrance , in Quality of Fortune recompens'd with Fifteen hundred a Year , but in the Quality of Brain and Sence , nothing ; a very Devil of a Lover , as indeed all that Nation are ; and yet I find , for all that , the Blockhead comes hither a wooing .

Sir. Phil �

And so this Blockhead , with a Pox to him , has frustrated all ou� Wit , hah .

Love.

It seems so , for the Widow has been so alarm'd with the loss of the Three thousand pounds worth of Jewels , which you by my Industry have lately got from her ; that she has cunningly prevented our Design upon the Writings , and so underhand , order'd this Nephew , who you must know , has a design upon her Person , to secure 'em from you , and bring 'em over , he happening to lodge in the very House where her Husband , Sir Solomon dy'd .

Sir Phil.

'T is always so ; put a Trick upon any Widow , that do's not return it e're a Twelve-month ends , and you may conclude the Devil 's grown weary with Obliging her Tribe , quite tir'd with the crow'd of their Intollerable Mischiefs . Prithee what 's to be done ? � S'death , must I lose an Estate of Seventy thousand Duckets so ridiculously ?

Love.

Was your deceas'd Friend real to ye ? are you sure there 's no flaw in the Will ? Pray tell me the story once more ; I ought to have that repeated once a day , to refresh my Brain for the more subtle contriving .

Sir Phil.

With all my Heart , to begin then , as I told thee before , Sir Solomon Subtle being my Bosom intimate and entire Friend , going , about two Years since , with me , to visit this beautiful Devil , my then Mistress , fell so desperately in Love with her , that his strange disquiets were every day more and more visible to me ; I knew his Generosity and Love to me , made him disguise it as well as he could , but falling sick , at last was forc'd to own it ; you may guess how I was puzled in the business , much to my love was due , and much to my Friend , till at last , resolv'd to help him as much as in reason I could , I urg'd to him this friendly Proposal , that he should have a Months time fairly to solicit her , at the end of which , he that sh� chose should marry her , whilst the unfortunate , refus'd , dispos'd himself to Travel ; he as he had great reason , giving me a world of Thanks , consents , and fits himself against the time of tryal .

Love.

This was a strange proof of Friendship , I confess .

Sir Phil.

'T was so , and done meerly to save his Life , that when refus'd , Travel might ease his Sorrows , for I confess I thought my self secure , but see the Mischief of a Woman's Nature ; my Friend , that but a Month's short space had woo'd her , succeeds when I least thought , by her free choice , and I who best deserv'd , disgrac'd and slighted .

Love.

This was Levity indeed , and you may rail with Reason . �

Sir Phil.

My Friend , Sir Solomon , upon this , according to Agreement , Marries her , and has in Portion Seventy thousand Duckets , and afterwards in return of the generous Friendship I had shewn him , publickly declar'd , That , dying withou� Issue if I surviv'd , he would by Will bequeath his Wife and all her Fortune to me .

Love.

A pretty kind of Legacy .

Sir Phil.

He being of a weakly Constitution , in short time after dyes a� Hambourgh , as he was taking possession of another Estate just left him by an Uncle there , for she , a young , fresh , buxom , active , Bona Roba , had so outdone him in the business Conjugal , that th' Soul unable to supply the Body , forc'd it self out , to seek for rest elsewhere .

Love.

Oh , pray let that Business alone , and come to your own .

Sir Phil.

In short then , the Will was made as he had promis'd , and I nam'd joynt Executor with her , as I was credibly inform'd by a true Friend , that since unluckily was kill'd at Sea , who reported too , that I was left Heir to the other Estate given by his Uncle , so that I being Ignorant of any Witness , and without possession of the Deeds , could never right my self .

Love.

But , pray what cause have you e're given the Widow to make her so Inveterate ?

Sir Phil.

Why , I guess the main and chiefest Cause is thy self , thou knowest dear Phaebe .

Love.

Lovewell , if you please in this Habit , Sir.

Sir Phil.

Dear Lovewell , then , that ever since the Widows Jilting me , I 've had a strange Antipathy to Marriage , which ( not my want of Love ) has been the cause of my not doing thee the common Justice , in recompensing that dear Virgin Treasure , thou gav'st up to my Arms.

Love.

If I should talk t' ye of my little Boy , now , 't would set me a crying , and you 'd but laugh at me .

Sir Phil.

Well , let him alone then to his Rattle and Bells , and observe me ; this Venial Ship of mine , the Widow , has been told of , and her proud Spirit finding my aversion to wear my Friend 's old Boots , I mean , her self , resolves to balk me of my Executorship , and keep the Writings close , tho' the late ��wels were by thy Wit unknown to her surpriz'd .

Love.

I think that was sub�ly enough manag'd , to snap the Messenger with the Casket , just within sight of the Lodging , and wheedle him to yours .

Sir Phil.

'T was a Master-piece � and if thou canst but get the Writings too . �

Love.

You see I have plaid my part well too , to get my self in this habit , into the Family , and Sir Lawrance's favour , with pretending to be a Relation of her you had debauched , who was his Kinswoman , this looks with a lucky face : What say ye , will you be good and marry me , if I get what you desire ?

Sir Phil.

Canst thou doubt it ? why then we shall have enough to make us , easie , Child .

Love. Why then smile Fate , whilst I my wit pursue , For such a Fortune , such a Husband too , What won't a Maid in my Condition do ? Exit . Sir Phil.

Right , but we must have two words to the bargain for all that , Child : 'T is a good natur'd loving Tit , and o' my Conscience , the wittiest Baggage that ever told a lie t' excuse her Lover ; her Father was an honest Country Parson , the Offspring of which Sect , by the way I 've observ'd , seldom or never fails to be good ones ; and he had so cloy'd her with musty Morals and lukewarm scraps from the old Patriarchs , a Diet so disagreeable to a young Wenches Constitution , that she , like a Gudgeon , snapt at my first Bait ; nor was there need of a Hook , the Creature was so greedy : Well , if she does trick this Widow , and get the Writings , she will deserve extreamly well of me ; but Marriage is such an unreasonable reward for an Estate , that 't is like giving a Man means to purchase variety of Delicates , and at the same time , obliging him to chaw upon one Rump of Beef all his life time .

Enter Darewell . Darew .

What , Sir Philip , my eyes dazle sure , 't is impossible !

Sir Phil.

Hoh ! my noble Man of War ! welcome on Shore . But why impossible , Friend ? what wonders dost thou find �

Darew .

Thee in this place , the Park , so near the Air of Kensington , and yonder place of Terrour the Widow's Lodgings .

Sir Phil.

Oh , Sir , your Widow , like a Ship just return'd from a Sea sight , can do little or no hurt upon a second Attack , she has spent all her Artillery upon the first Engagement .

Darew .

She rails at thee most dreadfully , and blushes through her Mourning when thou art but nam'd , as the Sun does through a Cloud when a Summer Shower is falling .

Sir Phil.

Her Mourning ? why has the Snake then batten'd in the skin of her Hypocrisie so long ? and does the demure Peak oppress the Forehead still ? the Devil 's in her ; why this is quite contrary to a Widows Policy . she should have new wash'd and furbish'd up the Premises long before this for a new Comer ; when the Bill stands too long upon the door , 't is sign the Tenement's not worth Letting �

Darw.

Ha , ha , ha , I have heard of your Whoring too , Sir , she has told us all within yonder .

Sir Phil.

Ay , and would have told thee of her Husband's Cuckoldom too , as well , if she had not a design to draw another into the noose .

Darw.

No , a Pox on 't , this is malice , all the World allow her to be virtuous .

Sir Phil.

They allow her to be proud indeed , and consequently ill natur'd , and reserv'd , Virtue is a rank Chea� in most of the Sex , when once a Womans Pride promotes her Chastity , her Virtue is the greatest Vice she has .

Enter Callow with a Letter � Darew .

How now , Lieutenant , has t' got an answer ?

Callow .

Yes , Sir , and a pleasant Story to tell you that belongs to 't .

Darew .

Speak softly ; another time for that , yonder 's your Uncle .

Callow .

Sir Philip , your most humble Servant . Darewell reads .

Sir Phil.

So Cozen , I see you 're equipp'd well , your Commission like your Scarf too sits close t' ye , your Sword too of good dimension , but I am told your heart is loose in th' hilts , and tho' you wear the King's name in your Pocket , you herd with those that hate his Government .

Callow .

Who I , Uncle ? he 's the Son of a Whore that told ye so , let me but know him , and rot me , I 'll make him eat the Sword you speak of ; nay , not only the Sword , but the Hilt , the Knot , the Scabberd , the Chape , the Belt , and the Buckles , Broil me .

Sir Phil.

And why that Rakehelly Cant of Rot me , Burn me , Broil me ? Art thou afraid thou shalt not dye and be damn'd soon enough !

Callow .

Custom , faith Uncle , Custom , besides I think Rot me , Sink me , Burn me , Broil me , &c. are as pretty Tags to a Souldiers disco�rse , tha� would be thought a brave Fellow , as odsniggs and sincerely are for a Citizen that intends to cheat under the notion of the Pious ; this is my opinion , Rot � O Lord , 't was comi�g again .

Sir Phil.

No , 't is the Scoundrel Company you keep , such as the young �op Lord Brainless , then they say y' are always stewing at my fat Lady Bumfiddle's , and so great an Admirer of that eternal Mill-clapper , Mrs. La Pupsey , that you pay Homage to her very Lap-dog .

Callow .

Never rallied her but once in my life , sink me � 't was a coming again ; 't is true , I 've an honour for my Lady Bumfiddle , because �

Sir Phil.

Because she 's the best Procurer in Town ; hush , not a word , lest the Captain hear us , but look to 't , for tho' as my Kinsman , I would not willingly see thee hang'd .

Callow .

I humbly thank ye , Uncle .

Sir Phil.

Yet , Sir , I 'de cut your Throat , to save your Credit .

Callow .

Wou'd ye so , Sir , I should not thank ye very much for that tho , Rot me , � O Lord , there 't was out .

Sir Phil.

Well , my dear Captain , I can find by the fold of that Paper , the Shoar is like to engage thee some time here , and therefore thou hast the more leasure to tell me , what News abroad , how stands our Publick Affairs , bravely , hah ?

Darew .

As heart can wish , friend , the Turk will get no more ground in Hungary , the French King no more in Flanders , the Sweed will get nothing by his Neutrality , the Irish and Scotch make no more Rebellion ; the English Fleet will no more stand out in Action , nor the French Victual themselves again with our Mutton .

Sir Phil.

Spoke like a true English heart of Oake , gad I see success in thy very look , I 'm sure we shall beat 'em , but who are these coming down the walk yonder ?

Darew .

One of 'em is Sir Lawrance Limber , I 'm sure I know the Old Scoundrel by his Chollerick motion .

Callow .

And 'tother his Nephew , newly come from Hambourgh , his Name they tell me is Myn heer van Grinn , and ro� me , 't is very well apply'd , for he does nothing but grin and make faces all the while he 's talking , they say he 's Son to a Great Senator there , but he 's a Blockhead for all that , sink me .

Sir Phil.

I must play the Bucket with him , and vanish when he appears , there 's reason for 't � Adieu , Friend , thou shalt know more another time . Exit Sir Phil.

Enter Sir Lawrance , and Van Grinn . Van Grinn .

And so Uncle , as I was telling ye , ha , ha , ha , ha � 't is a very good jest faith , the Widow , the Widow , ha , ha , ha , pray mind me Uncle , after I had shew'd her the Writings , which she had such a plag�y mind you must know to keep from this Sir Philip , what does she do , ha , ha , ha , ha , 't is a very good jest faith , what does she do Uncle , but brings me down into the Parlor .

Sir Lawr.

Well , what then � where 's the jest of t�at ? Peevishly .

Van Grinn .

Why I 'll tell ye , ha , ha , ha , if you 'll have but patience , 't is a very good jest faith , taking me there into a Corner , after I had brush'd her o're the Lips with a Flemish buss or so , ha , ha , ha � Sir , says she , with a low Courtesie , you 'r welcome to England , d' ye mind me Unkle , ha , ha , ha , 't is a very good jest faith .

Sir Lawr.

' Oons let 's hear it , 't is very long a coming , prithee let 's hear this jest .

Van Grinn .

Why presently , Lord what hast� you 're in , ' dsfish d' ye think a jest like an Old Man's Marriage , is done without Consideration ; ha , ha , ha , there I was with the Old Scoundrel sharp , faith and troth ?

Sir Lawr.

Oh Pox , nay if you expect I 'll stay fo�'t 'till the Sun sets , good buy t' ye , your Servant Captain Darewell .

Darew .

Sir Lawrance I am yours .

Van Grinn .

Why here 't is then , come the Captain shall hear too , ha , ha , ha , ha , 't is a very good one faith , I must desire ye , Sir , says she , to convey the Writings , d' ye mind me Uncle , to Mr. Splutters my Husband's Councellor , to supervise them , ha , ha , ha , for says she ( mind me ) Uncle you that were employ'd by my Husband , are most fit to be intrusted by me your humble Servant .

Sir Lawr.

A Plague , and what of all this , the jest , th� jest Man !

Van Grinn .

The jest , why I 've a design to marry her , ye Old Skellum , ( Old Gent. I mean ) and to save me the trouble of Courting , she meets me half way , and , tho' a Widow , trusts me with her Writings , ha , ha , h� , ha , is not that a plaguey sign , faith and troth ?

Sir Lawr.

Not of a jest , by the Parliament , tho' I have been waiting an hour for 't .

Van Grinn .

Of her Love , man , there 's the jest , ha , ha , ha , ha .

Sir Lawr.

Ah! the Low-Co�n�ry Fogs cho�k thee for a dul Rogue , love thee , hark'e � she neither loves thee one jot , nor is there any jest in 't at all , by the Parliament .

Van Grinn .

No jest , that 's a good one faith , ha , ha , ha , wha� say you Captain , no jest ?

Darew .

I am expecting , Sir , I have set my face this half hour .

Van Grinn .

Expecting , the jest is flown to Per�assus top by this time , ha , ha , ha , pray Sir , what 's your Opinion ? To Callow .

Callow .

I have not seen the glimps of a Jest to day , Rot me .

Sir Lawr.

Unless grinning , gaping , and making of Sarrazen-faces be a jest , Captain will you believe m� , I swear by the Parliament , you know my Oath when I 'm serious , bu� that I knew his Father who was my Brother , I should believe that his Mother was intimate with some Baboon , and he were the effect of her unnatural Conception .

Darew .

A merry Man , Sir Lawrance , I see he 's always in humour .

Sir Law.

Merry , a pox on him , he is not merry neither ; 't is true , one would think that when a Man laughs he should be merry , bu� 't is otherwise with him , for this Fool shall grin at any thing , and as much when he is Cudgel'd , as when he is Complemented � the least �rifle will do it , as for Example now . Pulls off his Peruke , puts on Spectacles , and shakes his head .

Van Grinn .

Ha , ha , ha , ha � very good jest I faith , Captain , look upon my Uncle's bald pate there , and the Spectacles , ah poor Nuncle , halloo , halloo , halloo , there went the Hair away , ha , ha , ha .

Darew .

Ah the Devil take thee , what a damn'd pun the Rogue has found out !

C�llow .

��oy ��me , the Old fellow looks very Commically , but I won't laugh , because he has a Rich young fool to his Daughter , that I 've a Design upon .

Van Gri� ,

Ha , ha , ha , ha . Gives him a Patt .

Sir Law.

D' ye see Captain , a senceless Rogue , d' ye mind him , an ignorant Puppy , to stand grinning all this while at the Honourable Emblem of Age and Experience � and to dare to be saucy with me too , I 've no mor� patience , I 'll Cudgel him . Darewell interposes .

Captain stand by a littl� , and you shall see me break three of his Ribs , I 'll do 't , by the Parliament , I 'm serious .

Darew .

Oh , you must not strike here , Sir Lawrance , 't is too near the Court , and will look like ill manners .

Sir Law.

' Od�so , y' are in the right , troth Captain , I have been a Courtier this Fifty years , and never wag'd my Finger out of order yet , but I 'll manage you another way , friend � You get a Widow with that Flanderkin Owl's Phiz ? No fool , my two Sons come to Town to day from Shrewsbury , Bias and Solon , Bias can tickle up a Widow as she ough� , he shall have her I 'm resolv'd on 't , by the Parliament he shall , I 'm serious .

Darew .

Now by this Oath of his can'� I perceive whether this Old Sarab be for Monarchy , or the Commonwealth .

Callow .

Oh ��o�l him , for Monarchy without doubt , you heard him say he has been an Old Courtier .

Darew .

That I had forgot , indeed .

Van Grinn .

Ha , ha , ha � So Uncle , you say your Son Bias shall carry the Widow , a very good jest saith , but that 's as she and I shall agree Uncle ; the Widow has already some feeling knowledge of my part , she has Uncle , ha , ha , ha , good agen , she knows what 's what Uncle � the difference between � strong portly able Fellow sit for Service , ha , ha , ha , and a weakly Consumptive Puny ��� , ��e for nothing but to make Sauce of , ha , ha , ha , ha ; so that if Bias is not for her turn Uncle , I hope another may that 's better lik'd , tho' Bias were as wise a� his Namesak� , the Philosoph�r of � ha , ha , ha , ha .

Sir Law.

��ye s�� Captain , ��� , on my Conscience the Rogue will grin if he was at th� Resurrection .

Enter �word . ���

O� no , the �atigue of Dooms-day will make him serious , I warrant ye .

Sir Law.

How now Lovewell , who would you speak with ?

Love.

Sir I come to tell ye that the two young Gentlemen your Sons are arriv'd , and being inform'd by me that you were walk'd into the Park , are coming yonder to meet ye .

Sir Law.

Are they come , that 's well , now Captain pray observe my Son Solon , my Son Bias is the Elder , 't is true , a pretty brisk Blade , but my Son Solon has a head �it or a Statesman , sollid , sollid , Solon's a prodigious Fellow .

Darew .

There 's some wonderful vertue in this Solon sure .

Callow .

I 'll hold any Man a Dutch Ducket he 's a Coxcomb , sink me .

Sir Law.

Now Buffle look to your self , here 's one coming will quickly put your Nose out of joynt with the Widow I warrant ye . To Van Grinn �

Van Grinn .

What , while she trusts me with her Writings , that 's a very good jest faith , ha , ha , ha .

Love.

Trust him with the Writings , that 's well , this was a lucky discovery , and I 'll mannage it accordingly , you shall have more Waiters than you expect , my jolly Flanderkin . Aside .

But no more of this at present , here comes the other brace of Boobies .

[ Enter Solon , and Bias with a Patch on 's face , they ask Blessing . ] Sir Law.

Bless ye , bless ye , y' are welcome to Town , but what 's the matter Son Bias ? What ailes your Face ?

Darew .

Has the Gentleman bin in some Quarrel ?

Bias.

That 's no matter , let it be as it will , some body shall find he has more than no body to deal with , my Brother Solon , can tell you more , a Jest is but a Jest , and every Body is free in the King's High-way , and if I did kiss her , 't was no more than she deserv'd , and every Gentleman might do , my Brother Solon can tell you more .

Van Grin .

A very good Jest faith ; see how Solon looks , ha , ha , ha . Dam him , I knew he must be a Coxcomb .

Sir Law.

What have you been in a Scuffle , since you came to Town , how came your Brother's head broke Solon ?

Solon .

Why , truly Father , my Brother Bias was , as one may say , somewhat saucy with a Centry that belong'd to that great House yonder .

Sir Law.

' Slife the Court , my heart trembles within me , well , go on , ha , ha , ha , ha .

Solon .

There came by a young Woman , you must know , with a Basket of Straw-berries , a fring'd lac'd cocking , topping , rowzy , frowzy young Woman , as a Man may say , and as I told you before , with a Basket of Straw-berries .

Van Grin .

Ha , ha , ha , � I 'le put in and interrupt him , so Cousin Solon , and what then � a very good Jest faith , as a Man may say , Solon , why , if ye are my Cousin , that may be , but I did not indeed tell my Tale to you , I 'me talking to my Father , as a Man may say .

Bias.

You need not be so curious In the matter , let things go as they will , 't is but a head broke , and I 've had as much at Cudgels a hundred times before now , why , what a-do's here , my Brother Solon can tell you more .

Darew .

'Sdeath , these brace of Fools , are more nauseous than 'tother , I 'me sick of 'em already .

Sir Law.

Heart and Lungs , why dost not go on Solon , I 'me afraid Captain , the rash Boy , has affronted some Quality or other about the Court , which , by the Parliament , I would not he should for a thousand Pound , I 'me serious .

Solon .

In short , then my Brother Bias would have gon into that great House with his Boots on , at which the Centry stops him , at which the young Woman laughs , de' e laugh , says Bias , I 'le buss ye �or that ��ackins .

Sir Law.

Mettle to the back , Captain , just so was I my self , in my young days , just so in troth .

Solon .

So Bias buss'd her whether she would or no , and I vow and swear , I had a huge mind to be at her my self , for 't was a curious �ine Woman , and had the softest , whitest Neck , as a Man may say .

Van �rin .

Why , well said Solon , gramercy Solon , Solon's a plaguy Dog at a Wench , I warrant him , ha , ha .

Bias.

Nay , she need not have squauld and squeak'd at that rate , as if she had been Ravish'd , 't was no such strange matter to her , for I heard 't was but a Chamber-maid , after all .

Sir Law.

Gad I 'me glad of that however , as I hope to be sav'd , Captain , I was afraid it might have bin one of the Maids of Honour , and th�n my Son had bin ruin'd for ever , he had , by the Parliament , now I 'me serious .

Callow .

This Sottish old Fellow , is as great a Dunce as his Sons , Rot me .

Sir Law.

And so in short , Bias ru��led the Woman , and the Century broke his head for 't .

Solon .

You have hit it in troth , Father , as a man may say .

Van Grin .

The Centry hit it , you mean , Solon , a very good jest again , faith there are your wits , Nuncle , ha , ha , ha , ha . Aside to him .

Sir Law.

Now is that grinning Dog in his Kingdom .

Re-enter Lovewell . Love.

Sir , if you are not too busie , I should deliver a Message to you .

Van Grin .

From whom , Sweet-heart ?

Love.

The Widow , Sir. Exit Lovewell .

Van Grin .

�he Widow , hush , I 'll follow thee immediately ; she has some new fondness to shew me , I 'll be ha�g'd else , ha , ha , ha , ha , a very good jest faith � Good buoy N�ncle , my Nose will be dam�ably bor'd , I see , my Cousin Bias must carry the Widow , and Solon has a Head �it for a Statesman , � ha , ha , ha , ha , Sollid , sollid .

Sir Law. Ah , would thou wer 't hang'd that thou � Exit Van Grin . Might'st grin to some purpose , by the Parliament . Solon

' Od , if I had thought he mock'd me , I would have had a pluck with him , I tell him , that there should have been more marks in his Fate than his Nose , I tell him but so .

Bias.

My Brother Solon and I would have shewn him some of Shrewsbury play , i'faith , for all my Head 's broke .

Sir Law.

Well , not too much of that , good Bias , no� to no more of your Court Saluta�ions , d' ye hear , � is no sign of good Breeding , this is only hear of Blood , Captain , the working of the Annimal Spirits ; Youth , Youth , the Boys have known no Sorrow .

Darew .

No Faith , nor Joy neither , their Dolts are too Insensible ; ' dsdeath , what a blind old Sot is this !

Sir Law.

' Troth , Captain , I 've a great Care upon me , to know how to dispose of these Boys ; this Bias is a Lewd , Misch�evous , Yo��g Dog , I design him for an Office.

Callow .

Sot , Rascal , Damn him , what does the Fellow mean ?

Sir Lawr.

T'other there shall be a Lawyer , because of his instructing Face � h�'ll be a Prodigious Fellow , for look ye , Captain , if you mind it , his face will become a Serjeants Quoif extreamly , he 'll certainly be a prodigious Fellow .

Darew .

A prodigious Fellow , indeed � Oh the insufferable blindness of a dull Father .

Sir Lawr.

And as for Wives , I have 'em ready for 'em , my Son Bias shall have the Widow , and my Son Solon her Sister , both swinging Fortunes , by the Parliament .

Darew .

' Ds'death , what says he , her Sister � my Mistress , by this light .

Sir Lawr.

They 're now at home with my Sister Bu�fiddle : I 'll go watch her coming out , �or I'm resolv'd to propose it to night ; and so my noble Captain , Farewel .

Darew .

Hold , hold , Sir Lawren�� , a word with ye first .

Sir Lawr.

Not for a thousand Pound , Sir , it comes into my head that this is the lucky minute . Come Bias , farewell Captain , come along Solon , come .

Exeunt Sir Lawrence , and Son� . Callow .

Well , if ever I had so much patience since I was born , boil me ; why there are not four such Fools again within the four Seas ; sink me , and I hope the Daughter is as bad .

Darew .

I 'm glad the old Coxcomb has told me his design upon the Widow's Sister , I 'll prevent his Sons folly there , I 'll warrant him ; this Letter from her I hope is more favourable than the rest , how cam'st thou to get it , she was in a very good humour sure ?

Callow .

Why , my Intimacy in the Family made her Employ me , I believe ; besides knowing that I was coming to ye ; but as to her humour , she 's no Changeling , 't was just at the old rate .

Darew .

What �reakish , �reakish ! come , before I read her Billet-doux , prithee tell me , what did she say of me ?

Callow .

Why she said you were an Ass , � Devil take me .

Darew .

I thank her : well , go on .

Callow .

She says she believes ye to be one of those fresh-water Captains , tha� was so purposely blind that you would not see the French Fleet , when they were out , for fear of fighting , but still laid excuse upon a great Fog .

Darew .

Admirable ! ha , ha , ha �

Callow .

She says she 'll never believe ye Valiant , till you get a wooden Leg , nor can ever love ye , till you do one thing for her .

Darew .

What 's that , prithee ?

Callow .

Hang your self : Ro� me , I thought she was mad : the rest of he� pretty humour you 'l find in the Letter .

Darew .

And without doubt , as good a Comedy as this is a Prologue : Well , I 'll go and rea� i� at my better leisure , and afterwards visit and teaze her as I see occasion .

Mild ea��e Love should never be abus'd , But you� mad Mistress must be madly us'd . Exeun� .
ACT. II
SCENE I. [ Enter Lady Subtle dress'd in Mourning , Berenice and Comode . ] L. Subtle .

IS my Lady gone , Sister ?

Beren .

Gone , what before she has her Mornings draught , before �ert hirst is quench'd with one quart Glass , and the quick motion of her tongue �as dry'd her up for another ; gone , said ye ! no , no , she must have two Bumpers more , and a Dinner before she goes , I 'll secure ye .

Comode .

She 's below in the Parlour , Madam , teaching Sir Lawrances Daughter to keep out her Toes , and some new Rules of Behaviour .

L. Subtle .

Fogh , that 's a nauseous Creature too , and indeed �it to learn of no body but her , for she has too little tongue , and the t'other too much ; she lisps �nd slobbers ou� her words like a perfect Changeling , and the t'other , with a voice like a Trump-Marine , is ever bawling in your ears , and running over all �he Intreagues of Town and Country , without �ver breathing between .

Beren .

She 's Tutoring the two Sons I believe too , I hear they are come .

Comode .

Yes , to your Sorrows � you 'l be throng'd with Suitors now .

L. Subtle .

If either of 'em speaks of Love to me , I 'll break his head , I hate both them , and all Mankind .

Beren .

Sir Philip too , Sister , come don't lye .

L. Subtle .

Would thou wert hang'd for naming him , that Villain above all the rest has the ascendant , and with my late poor sneaking fool that 's dead , still Plotted to affront me , but I 'll throw off this nauseous Black to morrow ; shake off the Widow , and appear my self gay , �rolicksome , I 'm sure I 've Youth enough , and Beauty , or my Glass deceives me ; what a shame 't is that Custom should make us such Hypocrites to wear this filthy Dress , as a respect to a dull lazy d�one of a Husband w� wish would break his neck the next day after our Marriage .

Berenice .

Why well said , Widow , but is this Consquent to that wringing of hands , that storm of sighs , and �lood of tears that came from you when first you heard the News of the good Man's departure to his long home ; are these two humour� suitable ?

L. Subtle .

Those tears were suitable to that time , Fool ; tears are as natural then , as a s�ile is to a Lover when we receive a Present , or Flattery to a great Statesman , from one that designs to beg a Place of him .

Beren .

And they were shed I 'll say that for 'em in abundance , sorrow came �lowing down in purling streams , and Christal Rivulets , as the Poets have it , and the Handkerchief was so wet � �

L. Subtle .

Reason good , Changling , I had an Union ty'd up in the Corner on'� .

Comode .

Does your Ladyship never intend to think more of Sir Philip then , I 've heard you say you did love him once ?

L. Subtle .

Ay , and hate him the more for 't now , intolerable wretch , in the midst of his Intrigue with me I discover'd the Villain had another �hat was with Child by him , upon which in a mad �it I married this dull Sir Solomon , who was just dying for me ; yet good nature returning afterwards to this ungrateful Freewit , I wa� contented my Fortune should be settled upon him after the Fool my Husband's death , provided he behav'd himself well to me ; but �'th ' contrary , he insolently disdains it , professes him�elf a Marriage-Hater , and poorly imagines his Wit shall get the Writings and Esta�e in spight of me , but I think I have balk'd him now , for I 've just now sen� 'em by Sir Lawrence's Nephew to my Husband's Councel here in Town , who is my Creature , to �ind a �law in ' em .

Beren �

What , right or wrong , that 's a rare Councellor indeed �

L. Su�tle .

Oh prithee mind tying thy stockings up straight , and leave me to the management of my own affair ; a Widow knows as well what to do with her Writings , after her Husband's death , as thou dost with a troublesome Maidenhead before thou art Married ; and prithee , now I think on 't , what is become of thy Sea-Lover , the Captain , hah , hast thou sunk him yet ?

Beren .

No , he lies at Anchor still , and expects daily when he shall grapple me , but I can't leave my old freakish humour for the heart of me , I use him like a dog sometimes , I can't help it , faith 't is in my Nature .

Comode .

She makes a meer Fool of him , soft , kind , and easie � as if she would invite him to Bed to her this minute , and the next cocks up her nose , frowns , calls him names , and will no more know him , than a new made Judge will a Coun�ry Attorney , that has �ormerly treated him at the Nine-pence Ordinary .

Beren .

A Man looks so like a Fool when he makes Love � that I can't for my Soul keep in one humour , and ye� I like the honest blunt Dog well enough � if I would let one of the two-leg'd Bears rub their brisles upon my face , i� should rather be him , than a Milksop �lashy Beau a� any time .

L. Suttle .

Oh here 's my Lady and the young Dowdy , now if there be any Intrigues or Matches stirring about the Town , we shall have 'em , I 'm sure � Sits down at the Toilet .

Enter Lady Bum�iddle , and Margery . L. Bum.

Widow , I heartily beg thy pardon for being so long from thee , I have been tormenting my self this hour below in the Parlour , with this aukward fool my Niece here , hark thee in thy �ar . Sits down . I labour in vain , as I 'm a Protestant , I shall never bring her to any thing , I have been swinging her this half hour in an Iron swing below , to make the Changling hold up her head .

L. Subtle .

She 's very slippant with my Sister yonder , you see .

L. Bum.

�lippant , Lord help her , as I 'm a Protestant , Child she can't speak one word of sence in a forenoon ; �lippant , shame on her , she makes me distracted ; she can make shift 't is true to ask for her Porridge or Watergruel in a morning , but if a Man do but speak to her , or touch her , then she 's presently at her � Let me alone , will ye ? pish , what aileth the Man ? fough , can't ye be quiet ? Aunt , Aunt , the Man squeeseth me , and the like ; and then makes more ugly faces than a Monky that has burnt his mouth with hot Chesnuts ; and yet the senceless Jade is turn'd of Eighteen too , M�micks Margery in Lisping , and Actions .

An Age when , to my knowledge ,

If she have not her Womanly apprehensions about her she , will never have 'em , as I 'm a Protestant .

L. Subtle .

She has a very good Tutor of your Ladyship , I wonder she does not Learn .

L. Bum.

Learn , why the thing has no Soul in 't , Child , you may sooner teach an Irish Man the Art of Poetry , as I 'm a Protestant . To Berenice . So my little Quintesence of Conversation , � what , you are diverting your spleen upon my Niece there ?

Beren .

Quite contrary , Madam , for we have been railing at your Ladyship ; she says , last night at play , you would make her let a Gentleman tye on her Garter , tho' she always wears'em above her Knee .

L. Bum.

' Dslife , we were all at Questions and Commands , and he must tye on the Garter if the King Commands , tho' 't were above her Waste , 't is the Authority of the Play , and the Changeling knows it well enough .

L. Subt.

I find my Lady has been very obedient in her young days .

Marg.

Well , well , I won't let him tho' , I won't , and I care not a farthing whether ever I play agen or no , for if ever he comes to touth my Legs , I 'll give him a good dowth o' th' Chops , let the King ��y what he will , he shan't touth my Legs .

L. Bum.

Thant touth your Legs , � ah M�ukin , thy Husband that is to be , is like to have a fine time with thee , but indeed 't would be no great satisfaction to him , for they are both Crooked . �

Beren .

Hark'e , tell her , her own are the wrong end upward , she has had neither Ancle nor Calf this seven Years .

Marg.

O Lord , I 've a good mind I vow and thwear , but that I 'm afraid she 'll plague me with some thmutty Jest or other , for she hath 'em at her Fingers ends , and , I vow , makes me blush sometimes twenty times a day .

L. Bum.

What , she is grumbling at me , I warrant , senceless Brute , because I indeavour to inform her Stupidity , and make her fit .

Beren .

For the Conversation of the Beaux Esprits , Madam . �

L. Bum.

For the Business of this World , Child , she should not be afraid of a Man if I had the ordering her ; ' dslife , when I was of her years , no Man durst put a thing to me , but snap I had him in a moment ; I came upon him Sowse , with twenty Jests one after another , and afterwards made him look so like a Fool.

L. Subt.

Your Ladyships Wit was equal to your bulk , Madam , and 't is no wonder the Men were worsted , for a great Fellow durst no more st�nd the severity of your Jest than , a little Fellow your Fist , for the one was sure to be outrallied , and the t'other to be knock'd down .

L. Bum.

Nature indeed took care not to stint me in my Dimensions ; nor was I backwards in letting the Men know her benefits , as this Fool is here .

Marg.

Well , well , I care not , the Men thant touth me , I 'm retholv'd , I can't abide 'em ; I 'll let ne're a Man in England touth me , but Mr. Thummim our Parthon .

L. Bum

The Parson , d' ye hear her , Madam , for all her Skittishness , this Coy Quenn shall sit upon the Parsons Lap two hours together , and you know some of those are plaguy Fellows , for all their demure looks , if she were my Daughter , I had as lieve trust her with a Dragoon as a Parson , as I 'm a Protestant .

Marg.

Pugh , thay what you will , I love him for all that , for he teaches me Quethions and Responthes , and when I was a little Girl he taught me Morning and Night my Catechize , like a good Man as he is .

Beren .

Ay Child , and now thou art a great Girl , he will teach thee the Matrimony , if thou wilt , I warrant him , the good Man won't give over his Devotion , if he finds thou art worth any thing .

L. Bum.

Come , prithee let 's leave her to her Chalk and Oatmeal , Exit Margery . for that all these skittish things come to , with Lips as green as a Leek , and a Face as if it were cut out of a Turnip ; and let 's talk of things more solid : Prithee , Widow , what hast got for Dinner ? hah .

L. Subt.

Pigeons , I think , my Lady , and something else .

Beren .

Oh , now she 's got into her Kingdom , to hear her talk all this while , and nothing of Eating , Drinking , nor Intreague , has me wonder . Aside .

L. Bum.

Pigeons , Pox , that 's pidling , melancholy stuff ; hast any Venison , Child ?

L. Subt.

Venison , Madam , yes , I believe there is .

L. Bum.

Prithee , what piece , do'st know , a Haunch ? ha � �

L. Subt.

I swear , Madam , I can't tell that , I 'll send to my Cook and know , if you please ; Comode , go to the Cook , and ask him .

L. Bum.

Do , dear Mrs. Comode , �only for a fancy ; for you must know , I dreamt of a Haunch last Night , and Mrs. Comode , with your Ladies leave , �ill my Glass that I us'd to drink her Ladiship 's health in , and bring it with ye .

Beren .

So , now will she get half drunk , and then if we scape being deaf , we are happy .

L. Bum �

Widow , I 've got a Husband for thee , Child , I have been Contriving � �

L. Subt.

Oh , Madam , I beg your Ladyships pardon , I 'll not marry .

L. Bum.

Nay , 't is neither to Sir Lawrence's Nephew nor his Son , tho' I know he has a design upon thee for the last , but a Young , Brisk , Rich , Active , Handsome , � ' odsli�e , and what 's better than all , a Fool too , a rare Boy for a Widow .

Beren .

I warrant your Ladyship knows all the Matches have been made this twenty Years .

L. Bum.

Within three , I think , Child � why � I make most of 'em my self , I get five hundred pound a Year by it ; nay , whether they marry or no , if I can but get 'em together , 't is the same thing .

Beren .

Truly then a Bawd and your Ladyship are not much unlike the same thing , in my Opinion . Aside .

L. Bum.

I have observ'd , Widow , that no Intrigue that I have not had a hand in , has prospered lately ; My poor Lord Spindle , I hear , made an Effort last week upon Mis Gamboll , an Heiress at Greenwich , but I not being in the Plot , my Lord lost her : Then Sir Iohn Limber , a great Sportsman of the North , would fain have shot the Widow Wagbum �lying , but he gave false Fire without me � my Brother here , too , for I 'm no respecter of Persons , intends to fix his Son Bias upon thee , Widow , and his darling Solon upon Mrs. Berenice there , but not consulting me , it shan't do , as I 'm a Protestant .

L. Subt �

Why then I find your Ladyship has a right and title to dispose of me , whether I will or no.

L. Bum.

Most certainly , Child .

Berem .

Pray , Madam , will your Ladyship give me leave to blow my Nose , for I find I have nothing at my own command ?

L. Bum.

Oh , that you may , witty Mrs. Berenice , freely : Thank'e , good Mrs. Comade , � Enter Comode with a great Glass �ull . well , I 'll take a time to do some good turn for thee too , e're long , I will , as I 'm a Protestant ; I 've an old Gentleman-Usher in my Eye for thee . �

Comode .

Thank your Ladyship ; 't is a Haunch , Madam , and Colliflowers .

L. Bum.

It is , tha�'s well ; here , Widow , here 's a health to thy merry Thought . Drinks .

L. Subt.

What does she mean ?

Beren .

To be drunk , if she swallows all that , or the Devil 's in her .

L. Bum.

Deliver me , what 's this ? � Egad , [ makes Fac�s and spits ] Mrs. Comode , prithee what hast thou given me here ? � Egad . �

Comode .

Lambeth-Ale , Madam .

L. Bum.

Lambeth-Ale , what a plague came into thy Head to give me Lamb�th-Ale ?

Comode .

'T is fresh and good , Madam .

L. Bum.

To give one the Gripes , � Egad , fresh and good , said she ; Puddle for Frogs , as I 'm a Protestant , � go prithee , fill it me with Sherry , Sugar and Nutmeg , according to the ancient , laudable Custom , Fool.

L. Subt.

Ha , ha , ha , this Lambeth-Ale has mortify'd her strangely ; go get my Lady some Sherry , you know what she drinks well enough .

Beren .

If you are given to mistakes thus , Mrs. Comode , you may whistle for your Gentleman-Ushe� , I 'll tell ye that .

L. Bum.

Prithee stand out of the way , and with my Ladies leave , I 'll go and order it my self .

L. Subt.

This Baggage has �inder'd us of all our News . Ex. L. Bumfiddle .

Beren .

Oh , no , when she has drunk her Bumper we shall have it with Interest , and Sister , I see you are like to have more Guests , for there 's two Chairs just now come in .

Comode .

One of 'em carries my young Lord Brainless , I 'm sure , for I saw his Page .

Beren .

Egad , I shall eat no Dinner then : Prithee Sister , why dost let that lewd , nauseous , silly Boy visit thee , 't is as bad as a Lampoon to be in 's Company ?

L. Subt.

' Dslife , there 's no avoiding him , he will visit every body , nor is ev�ry House su�ficient , but like a Fly he 'll be buzing in every Corner on 't .

Beren .

Just as he uses the Play-house , from the Box , whip he 's in the Pit , from the Pit , hop he 's in the Gallery , from thence , hey pass b�tween the Scenes , in a moment , where I have seen him spoil many a Comedy , by baulking the Actors entrance , for when I have eagerly expected some Buffoon to diver� , the first nauseous appearance has been my Lord.

Comode .

Oh , now I see who 's i' th' t'other Chair , 't is Mrs. La Pupsey , Madam .

L. Subt.

And her Lapdog then , I 'm sure , why we shall have ra�e Diversion , we need see no Play to day , the best Comedy will be acted here , however I 'll avoid her as long as I can ; but methinks , Sister , 't is �it you should go and entertain my Lord.

Beren .

Not I � I 'll have none of your Lords , especially such as he is ; your Lord is a Leaden Shilling to me , as the Plain-Dealer says . � Exeunt .

Enter Lord Brainless , and La P�psey , with her Lapdog , Page waiting . L. Brain .

Hey , where are all my Ladies People , here ? the Family , methinks , are s�rangely careless , � this would be a mortal Crime in France now , we ne're vi�it there , but you �ind a Footman at the bottom of every pair of Stairs , and a Page in every Room .

L. Pupsey .

Your Lordship is the Original of all good breeding , your bel ay� is incomparable , and your Address has something in it so soveraignly graceful , that it surprizes extreamly ; the Cadance of your speech too is soft and symphonical , but above all , your Lordship's dress is always so à Droite Novelle & à propos , that as you are the delight of the Beau Monde , you are certainly the envy of the Beaux Esprits : I have found his French vein , and will accordingly humour it . Aside .

L. Brain .

A pr�ty Creature this , but so horribly fortified with the shell of her Complements , that like a Tortise there 's no attacking her before nor behind , the Devil take me � Apart .

L. Pupsey .

I vow I 'm pleas'd extravagantly with your Lordships particularity in your Stockings to day .

L. Brain .

Gad , Madam , I must needs own I would not give three-pence for Humane Life , but for the honour of being �steemed by the Fair Sex , for � something or other pretty Mrs. Berenice , yesterday , upon my asking her what Stockings she thought became my Leg best , told me buff-colour , or yellow � implying Jealousie ; adding withall this pleasant Conceit , that my Legs would seem as jealous of their Performance , being to make their Conge to the Merit and Beauty of my Mistress , which , faith , was well enough said ; I think .

L. Pup .

nay we of the Cabal do allow that Berenice has some wit.

L. Brain .

Afterwards I ask'd your Opinion , you know , Madam ; and you told me a Pink , upon which , faith , in pursuance of the French Gallantry , I �esolve to honou� your judgments , and wear both .

La. Pupsey . Your Lordship 's most humble Servant . Courtesies . He 's very obsequious of late , I hope he will marry me . Aside . L. Brain .

All I fear is the young Fellows of the Town will get into the fashion too soon ; for I 'm sure it will take prodigiously , 't is very particular and new .

La. Pupsey .

'T is agreeable with the rest , my Lord , I wish my Lady were here to joyn with me in applause , I 'll go find her out .

L. Brain .

By no means , Madam . Sirrah , you Monkey � what a plague are you asleep ; go and inform my Lady , or rather , Madam , since 't is to serve you � I 'll go my self � Exit Brain . and Page .

L. Pupsey .

His Sence is not the most genuine I have met with , therefore there 's the more hopes I may get him ; come my Jewel , come Sits down , speaks to , and kisses her Lap-Dog . and sit down with thy Mistress , and love her , and kiss her , and tell her some pretty Stories ; so , so , so , that 's my sweet Creature , that 's my Soul , my Joy , my Life , kiss Dony , kiss thy �own Mistress agen D�ny , and so I will , says he , and kiss her , and kiss her ag�n , says he ; what d' ye thi�k I 'm like my Lord , to spend my time in �hat and Complement , when I may ki�s , and kiss , and kiss agen a young Lady , says he : Nay , nay , �ye Dony , �ye , now you don't kiss �air , now you lick me Dony , you do , you dear Jewel you . What then , says he , what if I did , 't is no more then I us'd to do , and no more than you like neither , says he ? ye lye Sirrah , ye lye , ye dear Creature you , and get ye gon from me .

Enter L. Brainless . L. Brain .

Ah! Jesus , Madam , there 's all the world within with my Lady ; there 's the Old Knight Sir Lawrence , the Dowdy his Daughter ; then there 's my fat Lady Bumfiddle , and the two nauseous unlick'd Cubs the Sons , that gave me the Vapours at the very sight of 'em , they are all coming , how shall we divert our selves ?

L. Pupsey .

I hope they had sense enough to distinguish your Quality , my Lord ?

L. Brain .

I think they had manners enough to call me , my Lord , indeed , but my dress was no more regarded , than if I had wore a Cloak ; they took no more notice of my Stockins , than if a fool had wore 'em , the Devil take me .

La Pups�y .

The Spirit of dullness had possess'd 'em sure ; hah , what think'st thou , Jewel ? thou would'st have treated my Lord better , I 'm sure : Yes , says he , that I would , I know a Man of Quality when I see him , says he , yes that he does , that 's my Dony , that 's my life , umph Mistress loves thee at her none heart root . Kisses the Dog.

L. Brain .

A delicate Dog indeed � Madam ; come hither , pretty Creature : Pray what 's his name ?

La Pupsey .

Adonis , my Lord , � Oh fye , fye , Dony , where are your manners , what be rude to my Lord ; go , go , kiss him , and love him , and tell him a pretty Story , and ask his Lordship how he does , and when he kiss'd his Mistress last , d' ye hear Dony , that 's my Jewel .

L. Brain .

This is as extravagant a language as her other , I 'll try to imitate her � And if you can ask Questions , you can answer , Dony , who is your Bedfellow , Dony ? where did you lie last night , you happy Creature you ? with my pretty Mistress , says he , between her white soft melting � Arms , says he , where many an honest Gentleman would be glad to have been , says he : Well , Dony , but what Moles has your Mistress , Dony , h�h ? you dear Creature ?

La Pupsey .

Pish , I won't tell ye , says he : O fye , my Lord , you shall have him no longer , you teach the Dog paw things , and you can't imagine what an apprehension the dear Creature has � I vow , I believe 't is not impossible to teach him French , for I was saying to him t'other day , En �assant , Monsi�ur le Chien , je suis vôsre tres humble Servant , and I vow , to my thinking , turning about with a French Grimace , Madamoiselle dit il , je suis vot Servitur� , plainer than any Gascoign can speak it by far .

L. Brain .

Miraculous ! And in the right French tone too , Madam ?

La Pupsey .

Tone ! nay , my Lord , ne'er a Dog in Christ�ndom hits a note like him , he sings a Minuet after me perfectly , I 'le try if he be in humour . Sing , Dony , come sing my Soul , my Life , � come � Thol , Lol , Lol , Pinches the Dog , and he howls .

That 's my none comfort , come then , sing then , Dearest .

Indeed , my Love , says he , I do the best I can , umph , umph , umph , sweet Creature , � your Lordship might observe the note was in alt , tho' a little out of Tune , and hoarse � the poor Rogue has got a desperate cold .

L. Brain .

As all good Singers generally have , Madam .

La Pupsey .

Right , my Lord , you should have heard it else in perfection , he does not aim to a Quirester yet , but he sings much better than the Clerk of any Parish .

L. Brain .

To six my self more in your good grace , Madam , and knowing how tender your esteem was for him , I have caus'd some words of mine to be set on that purpose , where I envy his happiness , and wish my self in his condition , for to be so carressed by you , must be the extremity of happiness , that 's most certain : but sirst , if you please , I 'll treat you with an Italian Air.

La Pupsey .

I vow your Lordship honours us both extreamly , but him in a more particular manner , but I beseech your Lordship add another to us , and let us hear it . An Italian Song .

L. Brain .

With all my Soul , Madam , umph , thol , lol , lol ; ah pox of ill luck , here 's the deluge breaking in upon us , ' �is impossible whilst they are here to do justice to any Musick �

Enter Sir Lawrence , L. Subtle , Berenice , Darewell , Bias , and Solon . Sir Law.

Speak to her Bias , and Solon , don't be afraid , I 'll stand by ye ; what my Estate may incourage ye s�re to speak to as good as they ; push on I say , brisk , brisk , you must always push briskly to a Widow , she won't care a fig for ye else ; to her Boy , to her Bias � and Solon , a plague what art thou a doing , thou look'st as if thou wert rather going to hang thy self , than make Love � why to her Sirrah � to he� I say , let 's hear a little wit.

L. Subtle .

Well , Sir , what News ?

Bias.

News , Gad sooks , I never read any News , Madam , I founder like a Spavin'd Mare when I r�ad a Gazet ; but I can tell ye this , that I love ye damnably ; and if you would do as much for me , as the Song says , you should be my Delight , both by Day , and by Night .

Beren .

Well , Sir , and what say you ?

Solon .

I can't say much , but I 've a great mind to be married , as a Man may say , and methinks , and you have the purest Neck and Bubbies that ever I saw , as I hope to be sav'd , hey , ho , I wonder what a Clock ' t is ?

Sir Lawr.

What a Clock 't is , ' oons what a question 's there , I believe the Boy 's bewitch'd , methinks he has no wit at all now , Captain .

Darewell .

No , nor luck neither , Sir , he shall cross the Old Proverb for once , shall I beg a word or two , Madam .

Berenice .

About what , the Deck , Fore-Castle , and Gun-Room ; oh , I 'm not at leisure now , good Captain .

Darew .

The Devil 's in her , what new freak is this now �

Beren .

Come , Sister , here 's a New Song my Master taught me this Morning ; my Lord you have Skill , pray tell me how you like these Notes � umph , umph �

L. Pupsey .

Peace my Jewel , peace Dearest . The Dog howls .

Dony humbly begs your pardon , Madam ; but when any one begins to Tune , 't is his way , and he has so great a passion for Musick , he can't forbear .

L. Brain .

Here 's no notice of my Stockings yet , a pox take ' em .

SONG . HOw vile are the Sordid Intreagues o' th' Town , Cheating and Lying perpetually sway ; From Bully and Punk , to the Politick Gown , With Plotting and Sotting , they waste the day : All our Discourse is of Foreign A�fairs , The French and the Wars Is always the Cry , Marriage alas is declining , Nay though a Poor Virgin lye Pining , Ah curse of this jarring , what luck have I ? II. I thought a young Trader by Ogling Charms , Into my Conjugal Fetters to bring , I planted my Snare too for one that lov'd Arms , But found his Design was another thing : From the Court Province , down to the dull Citts , Both Cullies , and Wits of Marriage are shye , Great are the Sins of the Nation , Ah shame on the wretched Occasion , Ah Curse of the Monsieur , what Luck have I ?
L. Subtle .

A pretty air , I like the Song too better than those I usually hear , because there 's no whining Love in 't ; a Latine Sermon , and a Love-Song influence me equally ; the one touches my heart no more , than the other my apprehension .

L. Pupsey .

A Latine Sermon , pray , Madam , don't speak irreverently of that , I never miss the Chappel when Bishop what d' ye call him Preaches ; for the very sake of hearing 'em � that man has really the most Elegant way of Sermocination , and his words so plain , without needing a Periphrasis , that Madam , I could tell you such a Story �

Sir Law.

Oh prithee Mrs. what d' ye call , no Stories now , but let 's have a little more Musick , I say .

L. Pupsey .

Ridiculous absurdity ; come , my Lord , my Lady Bumfiddle's within , we 'll have the Story there .

L. Brain .

Age forgets becoming Complaisance , Madam , you must excuse him � hey Page , where is my blockhead now ? Exeunt L. Br. and La. Pups .

Beren .

Upon your shoulders , if I may give my Opinion . Aside .

L. Su���� �

This was barbarous in the Old Knight .

Beren .

Ay , to hinder her in the very Convulsion fit of her harangue , she 'll choak with it , but see , the nusance is not throughly cleer'd , here 's the Lovers remaining yet .

L. Subtle .

I have seen variety of Fools , but never two so very ridiculous before , and yet is that Old Fellow as fond of 'em , as if they were as wife as their Namesakes of old � Strange stupidity of Humane Nature ; the Beasts o' th' Field , and Birds o' th' Air , that chance to produce monstrous Births will soon loath and desert 'em ; but a dull Father shall indulge and doat upon a couple of Changlings , tho' the shame of Creation , and that were given him as a punishment for some horrible Sin.

Darew .

He 's labouring for something , Madam , I see the pangs are very strong upon him .

L. Subtle .

I know he would fain bluster something to me now , but makes more . Grimaces about it , than one that has a real stuttering imperfection if he were compell'd to read a Welsh Bible , I 'll have pity , and relieve him sor once : A pretty Suit that you have on , Sir.

Bias.

Yes , Madam , I beg your pardon , I think I 've a pretty good Taylor , I han't paid him his Bill tho' , but the Cloth cost twenty Shillings a yard ; my Gloves cost a Guinea , and my Hat three Pounds ; I beg your Pardon , Madam . Darewell follows Berenice , who still avoids him .

L. Subtle .

I think I 've the most harmless Lover that ever was , he 's asking me pardon at every word he says ; he broke both his shins over a great form in the Hall just now , and ask'd me pardon for 't , as if he had broke mine .

Darew .

Are you then resolv'd to affront me � To Berenice .

Beren .

Pish , Lord , y' are so troublesome ; now does his tongue itch to speak to me about the Letter ; but I must play another freak with him if I were to be hang'd .

Sir Law.

Oh , Bias is at her , I see ; the young dog will succeed , on my Conscience � your right Widows love an impudent young Fellow , and the Rogue 's as lew'd as her heart can wish ; but methinks Solon lags behind all this while : To her , Solon , at her agen , Sirrah � Why see if he stirs now � 't is so � the boy 's bewitch'd � by the Parliament he is , I 'm serious �

Beren .

You like the Song then , you say , Sir Lawrence .

Sir Law.

Very well in troth , Madam , ' gadso , well remembred , faith , I 'll make Solon sing a Song to her , that she may see he has variety of parts � Madam , my Son Solon too admires your voice so much , that he resolves to return his thanks in the same kind ; come , begin Solon � now 's your time Sirrah , now Solon .

Solon .

I can sing none , but one about hunting ; I learn'd it of Nick Stitch the Cobler in Shrewsbury ; a very merry Fellow I 'll say 't , and had the purest roaring voice , 't was louder than any Pack of Dogs i' th' Country ; but for my part , I could never come up to him , as a Man may say .

Sir Law.

' Sbud no more prating , but Sing , as a Man may say ; thou art as hard to be got to 't , as a good Singer indeed , come start fair , three hems , and away .

Solon hems , and then sings a Song .
Solon's SONG . I. TAntivee , tivee , tivee , tivee , high and low , Hark , hark , how the merry merry Horn does blow As through the Lanes and the Meadows we go ; As Puss has run over the Down : When Ringwood , and Rockwood , and Jowler , and Spring , And Thunder and Wonder made all the Woods ring , And Horsemen , and Footmen , hey ding , a ding , ding , Who envies the Splendor and State of a Crown . II. Then follow , follow , follow , follow , Iolly Boys , Keep in with the Beagles now whilst the Scent lies , The fiery-fac'd God is just ready to rise ; Whose Beams all our Pleasure Cotrouls , Whilst over the Mountains and Valleys we rowl , And Watt's fatal knell in each hollow we Toll , And in the next Cottage top off a brown Bowl , What Pleasure like Hunting can cherish the Soul.
Sir Lawr.

By the Parliament , very well Sung , I 'm serious , what say you , Madam ?

L. Subtle .

Old Doting Fool.

Beren .

Oh! Solon has perform'd to a Miracle , Sir.

Enter Callow , and Margery . Darew .

Oh here 's Callow , and come I hope to call 'em hence , and then I 'm resolv'd to attack her for all her dodging Aside .

Margery .

What ail'th ' the man ? Let me alone , will ye � pish , be quiet , do I meddle with you now , � O Lord.

Callow .

She 's skittish here , but she stood tame enough when we were alone within , burn me .

Margery .

Madam , the m�at hath thood upon the Thable above thith quarter of hour ; my Aunt Bumfiddle freth , becauth the Porrith i�h cold ; the hath ea� two whole Rowlth of Bread already , and vowth if you don't come presently , the will fall too withou� ye � Oh Lord , the man's mad I think .

L. Subtle .

Oh we 'll asswage my Lady's anger with another Bumper , come Captain .

Sir Law.

Lead 'em in Boys , quick , quick � pox o'th is Captain , what makes he so ready at her ? Solon goes to take Berenice , and Darewell gets her hand first .

Solon .

Well , well , tho' he has snap'd ye before me , you have my good will , as a man may say . Exeunt all but Darewell and Berenice .

Berenice .

Well , Captain , you are in your Road still , you will board , I see , any thing you take to be a Prize .

Darewell .

There is no other dealing with you but violence , you use my heart worse than a Pirate would an utter Enemy , and put more chains than a Christian Slave has in the Turkish Bilboes � what did you mean by this Letter ? why d' ye use me thus barbarously ?

Beren .

I have sworn not to a�gue the case with you , but go to that Window and call my Woman , she shall tell ye all in three words , whilst I sit down here with a heavy heart and rest my self .

Darew .

Your Woman tell me ?

Beren .

Ay , ay , my heart 's too full � call Pimpwell there .

Darew .

Mrs. Pimpwell , Mrs. Pimpwell .

Beren .

Louder , louder . He turns his back to call , she rises and runs out .

Darew .

Why Mrs. Pimpwell , where the Devil are ye ? a Plague on her , she 's got into the Pantry , I warrant , with the Butler , or somewhere or other � how now � what gone , this is another of her damn'd freaks by Heaven ! oh , the insupportable plagues a Man must run through that is debauched by that hellish vice called Love ; and of a Woman too , who of all the Creation least deserves it , love your Horse , the Creature shall serve ye faithfully , and sometimes when you are drunk ( and consequently not well in your sences ) shall carry ye home to your house in safety ; love your Dog , he shall guard your House from Thieves , and gratefully return it a hundred ways ; but love a Woman , she shall like the first , hourly sting you with her Serpent subtilty , and for one minute's joy , give ye a thousand vexations ; Well , she 's a Fortune , that 's some amends , and if I can but marry her , which by way of Revenge I hope I shall , I 'll make her mind h�r business between Decks , she shall lower her Topsail , I warrant her . Exit .

SCENE II. Enter Sir Philip dress'd like a Lawyer , and Lovewell . Sir Phil.

This , my dear Lovewell , is a rare contrivance , and I think the dress exact , but art thou sure the Fool will come and bring the Writings .

Love.

Most certainly , I heard the Widow give him private Orders this Morning , thinking it more sence to trust him , being a Lover and a Stranger to you , than any relation or Friend whatsoever ; I heard her tell him too , where the Councellours's Chamber was , and what hour she would have him go , nay I have watch'd and stuck as close to 'em as their skins , i'faith .

Sir Phil.

Ha , ha , ha , 't is excellent ; but how if this damn'd Lawyer should be found ?

Love.

Oh , I have prevented that , for I immediately contriv'd a Letter as from a certain great Lady at Kensington , who being very sick , and having heard of his Honesty and Reputation , desired him to come and make her Will , the Lawyer surprised , immediately hurrys away , upon which I presently hir'd a Fellow to stand at the stair foot , and describing the Fool with the Writings � ordered him to be sent to this Tavern to you , ha , ha , ha , is not this well managed ?

Sir Phil.

A Miracle , faith , my Dear , dear witty she Machiavil , how shall I make thee amends ?

Love.

You know how , Sir , and when I have given ye a Fortune , I shall then presume to make my claim � how now ?

Enter a Drawer . Drawer .

There 's a Gentleman below in a Coach asks for Councellor Splutter .

Love.

Oh , tha�'s well , prithe� send him up , 't is he , I knew Exit Drawer . he would be punctual � here , here , take these Papers and be doing , you a Lawyer and without Papers in your hand , sit down , and put a face of business as if you staid for some body ; quick , quick , I must vanish � but when you have got 'em , remember . Exit .

Enter Van Grinn . Van Grinn .

Are you Councellour Splutter , pray Sir ?

Sir Phil.

My name is Splutter , Sir , which said 40 Acres lying and being �

Reads . Van Grinn .

And I warrant canst splutter like a Devil to� , if thou art well greas'd ha , ha , ha , ha , very good jest faith , he has a rare plodding dull face � I warrant him , a good Lawyer , ha , ha , ha , well , I 've a littl� business with ye , Sir , if you 're at leisure .

Sir Phil.

Please to si� down , Sir ? my Service t' ye � Drinks .

Van Grinn .

With all my heart , Sir , ha , ha , ha , gad I like him better and better , he 's a good honest toping drunken Toad too � this is a fellow fit for business �

Sir Phi� .

Now , Sir , your pleasure . Folds up the Writings .

Van Grinn .

Why then , Sir , my pleasure is � to drink first , ha , ha , ha , a very good jest , faith .

Sir Phil.

Oh , Sir , good reason �

Van Grinn .

You 'l excuse me , Mr. A � ha , ha , ha , � I 've a light heart , but come to the business , you knew Sir Solomon Subtle I suppose ?

Sir Phil.

Very well , Sir , alas poor Gentleman , he died lately at Hanib�rgh , his Lady is my Client and intimate Friend , I expect �very day the Writings of his Estate to be sent me .

Van Grinn .

Let me kiss thee then , my dear limb of the Law , whilst I inform thee that here they are in this Box , ha , ha , ha , ha , � and so here 's to thee again .

Sir Phil.

' Dslife , come so soon , this will be rare news to Sir Philip Freewit , for as � hear , he is the chief Executor , he expects to have most of the Mony , but yet if my Lady pleases �

Van Grinn .

She does please , my dear dagled Gown , ha , ha , ha , a very good jest again , faith , if thou canst but find a flaw in the Will , five hundred Pounds a�e thine , my dear Wax squeezer .

Sir Phil.

Oh , there shall be a �law , let her never doubt , Sir , we Lawyers like Tinkers , if we find no crack , can make one .

Van Grinn .

Ha , ha , ha , ha , why that 's very well said too , faith and troth � gad I 'll kiss thee again for that , and beg thy pardon heartily for doubting thy abilities ; a plump cheek'd Rogue � gad he puts me strangely in mind of a little plump dutch Strumpet of my acquaintance , ha , ha , ha , well but hark thee , my dear Law-driver , dost thou know me , hah ?

Sir Phil.

No faith , Sir , but I suppose you 're a man of Quality ?

Van Grinn .

I 've 1500 a year , that 's Quality enough , fai�h and troth , my father was but a Slop-seller , but if he had liv'd , he had been a Senator for all that , so that I 've resolv'd to strike up to this Widow with a whew i'faith , ha , ha , ha , � And hark thee , hark thee , dear Cook upon Littleton , shall we chouse this silly Knight , hah ?

Sir Phil.

I 'll rout him utterly , Sir , I 'll not give him a Groat for his Executorship ; if I do not show him a Law trick that shall make him stare again , I 'll give you leave to vouch this Miracle of us , that a Lawyer refus'd to get Five hundred pounds through a squeamish fit of his Conscience .

Van Grin .

Troth that would be a Miracle indeed , ha , ha , ha , here 's a Bumper to thee , prithee why dost thou not laugh ; gad , I could laugh methinks till I was as fat as my Lord , my Lord , as my Lord , I say , prithee be merry ; what do you Lawyers never laugh ?

Sir Phil.

Never , Sir , when we intend to cheat any Body , that 's our Rule .

Van Grin .

Ha , ha , ha , � a very good Jest , again , faith ; � I'gad , thour' t an admirable Person , and there are the Writings for thee � and another kiss into the bargain , Faith ; � gad there 's another leer so like my Dutch Strumpe� again , the Rogue begins to inflame me .

Sir Phil.

Well , Sir , I 'll take care of ' em .

Van Grin .

Wilt thou , � gad I hope to see thee a Judge , thou hast a notable rising Face , and the credit of this business will bring thee into plaguie Practice ? Com� , prithee let 's drink and laugh , ha , ha , ha , � prithee laugh now .

Sir Phil.

With all my Heart , faith I 've a merry fit comes upon me just on th' sudden ; � I 'll kiss you now , Sir , Kisses him .

Van Grin .

Ha , ha , ha , ha , a very good Jest , faith , ah my deer little plump Dutch Whore , ha , ha , ha .

Sir Phil.

Ha , ha , ha , ha , my d�ar Fat Flanderkin , � Fool. � Aside .

Van Grin .

Ha , ha , ha , ha , Well , next the Widow , Hug and kiss each other . I love thee better than any one in England , faith , I 'll be hang'd if thou hast thy fellow in all the Inns of Cour� , ha , ha , ha .

Sir Phil.

Nor you in all Flanders , ha , ha , ha , ha .

Van Grin .

My dear , dear , Bill and Answer , here 's a Bumper to thee ; Breaks the Glass . Pox o' th' Glass ; come let 's take another Room , for I 'm resolv'd to tope t'other Bottle with thee , ha , ha , ha , ha .

Sir Phil. March on Pompey , I 'll follow , ha , ha , ha . Here they both stand and laugh at one another , then Exit Van Gri� � So , here they are , and here the great feat is done , Easily now the Widow may be won � For what 's a Widow when her Fortune 's gone ?
ACT III.
SCENE I. Enter L. Subtle , Berenice , and Van Grin . L. Sub� �

OH , undone , lost , ruin'd , beyond all possibility of a Recovery , I find now by his s�nseless Description , that this Devil Freewit , has put a Trick upon him , and got the Writings in spite of m� .

Beren .

'T is even so , the Knight it seems own'd it just now in a Bravado to the Lieutenant , with a design to have it told you again . � Min heer Flanderkin there , has been over-reach'd by a meer Lawyer 's Gown , the very shadow of Knowledge has done his business .

Van Grin .

Ha , ha , now can I hardly forbear laughing , for all I have d�ne such a Mischief ; � Why , who the Devil could imagine , that an honest Toping , Laughing Fellow as he seem'd to be , should prove a false Brother , ' gad I took him to be as errant a Lawyer as ever took Fee on both sides , or eat a Mutton Commons in the Temple : � Mutton Commons , ha , ha , ha , a very good Jest , I'faith , I can't forbear for the Soul of me .

L. Subt.

Sot , Monster , Fool ; oh , where were my Brains too , that I could imagine one of that Nation guilty of the least Discretion : Thou stupid Dol� , with less Sense in thee than a crawling Insect in your Muddy Fens , a Flesh-fly in the depth of Winter , or a Mite in a Holland Cheese .

Van Grin .

' Gad I can't forbear laughing for all that , ha , ha , ha .

L. Subt.

Bring me a Glass of Water , my Heart 's so full of Rage , it has �urnt me up to a Cinder .

Beren .

This Fellow is certainly the species of a Baboon , and I warrant has a Tayl under his Clothes ; I 'de give a Guinny to have him search'd .

L. Subt.

A Baboon , ' dslight , thou hast nam'd the Prince of Brutes to him ; this thing is one of Nature's foul-false Births , the Eye of Providence slept when he was born , and his dull Mother at his vile Conception , had nothing in her Mind but drivelling Ideots , dull Asses with long Ears , unthinking Swine , with all the other Soul-less , Lumpish Animals , the very Scum and Dross of the Creation .

Van Grin .

The Widow Railes , like a Devil to day , ha , ha , ha , ha .

L. Sub� .

But to what purpose do I wast my Lungs , and call him Fool that �m a worse my self , the veriest , veriest Ideot of the two , � a Widow , ' dsdeath , and let a Man out-wit me ; ridiculous to Nature , nay , g�t my Writings too , the very Soul and Life-blood of a Widow ; � Oh , I could tear my Flesh , burn , stab , or poyson , do any Mischief , and to any Creature , but to a Man mu�h more with fiercer Vigour , and could I get the Heart of this damn'd Freewit , methinks I could with greater pleasure tear it , and with more Joy could feed or my Revenge , than Teeming Women on the long'd for Fruit , their Souls des�t t'indulge their unborn Infants .

Enter Bias. Bias.

So I see she 's here , and pox on 't , now I'� put up bri�kly .

Beren .

This Fool comes in a rare time , he 's like to be well us'd .

Bias.

Madam , I suppose you are not ignorant what I saunter about here for ; My Father , I suppose , has told you what I would be at ; and now I 'm come my self in person , and I protest left the best Game at All Fours just now when I was within one of up , that ever I had in my life , � because my Father told me , you were at leisure , and this was the what d' ye call it , the Cricketty Minute , a Minute when they say a Woman can deny a Man nothing ; besides , I love Cricket hugely , Madam , and if you please to throw your Heart towards me .

L. Subt.

No , but I will throw a thing more proper , I will throw this at your Head , Buffoon ; hark'e , Puppy , get thee out of my sight , and quickly , or by all that 's good , I 'll beat thee . Throws a Cushion at his Head.

Van Grin .

Ha , ha , ha , ha � �

Bias.

I beg your Pardon , Madam , � what a Plague did my Father make a Fool of me for , this is none of the Cricketty Minute .

Enter Comode with W�ter . L. Subt.

Confusion seize all Fools ; oh I 'm all in Flame . � Drinks .

Beren .

Here com�s t'other Booby , this will make her Mad.

Enter Solon . Solon .

Madam , because I 'm young Man , and a little awker'd in matters of Love , as a Man may say ; and my Mistress there , too , being a little Cruel , and Hard-hearted , my Father sent me to desire your Ladyship to speak a good word for me , because I can't do 't for my self , as a Man may say ; but for all that , as I hope to be sav'd , I 'm up to the Ears in �

L. Subt.

Water , ye Blockhead , ye Owl . Throws the Water in 's Face .

Solon .

O Lord , Murther , Murther , I 'm drown'd .

Beren .

Alas , poor Solon , has she cool'd thy Passion ?

Van Grin .

Ha , ha , ha , he shall be called Solon the Wise no more , but Solomon the Wise , now the Widow has new Christen'd him , � ha , ha , ha , a very good Jest , Faith.

L. Subt.

There 's something for you too . � Throws the Glass at him . Oh , you need not have stoop'd , Sir , it could never have hurt your Scull ; � A Bullet can't do it , to my knowledge .

What a mischievous thing 't is , when 't is angry , ha , ha , ha � �

Solon .

The Devil take making of Love if this be the fruits on 't , to spoil one's Crevat and ones Clothes , this is down-right Malice , as a Man ma� say .

L. Subt.

Sirrah , speak one syllable more of Love here , and I 'll make my Foot-men souse thee over Head and Ears in the Horse-pond .

Bias.

This is none of Solon's Cricketty Minut�s neither , I �i�d .

Enter Sir Lawrence Limber . Sir Law.

I hope my Sons , Madam , have made their Merits so well known now , and their Interest with ye , is so great , that when my Grey Hairs shall fall to the ground . �

L. Subt.

As they shall presently , ye old Dotard . P�lls off his Peruke .

Beren .

The Devil 's in her now , there 's no hindring her .

L. Subt.

' Dslife , get thee gone and take thy Cubs from my sight , or I will use ye all so like Fools .

Van Grin .

Look , look , she has discover'd my poor Uncle's Bald pate again , too , the Devil 's in the Widow to day , ha , ha , ha .

Sir Law.

How 's this , my Son Bias confounded , my Son Solon in disorder , and my self unseemly treated ? What d' ye mean by this , Madam ? I never was so affronted in my life , never since I was born , by the Parliament , now I 'm serious .

Solon ,

Mean , I care not what she means , not I , I 'm sure she us'd me scurvily , and I 'll bear it no longer ; zookers , my Blood rises at her damnably , � I 'll lay her Toppings in the Dust , come on 't what will ; she may be as bald as you , for ought I know , Father when her Toppings are off ; Let me come to her , ' zooks , now my Blood 's up , I 've as devilish a Spirit as she , as a Man may say .

Bias.

No , prithee Brother Solon let her alone for this time ; hark'e in thy Ear , when I 've Married her , I 'll revenge thee , and beat her my self .

Exit Lady Subtle . Beren .

You had better all take good Advice , and be gone ; you have heard , I suppose , the reason of her Anger , Sir Philip has cho�s'd her of her Writings to day , and in the Humour she 's in , 't is ten to one but she does ye some mischief or other .

Sir Law.

The Writing's gone , and seventy thousand Duckets , � Come away , Bias , thou shalt not have her now if she would have thee .

Enter Lady Subtle with a Pistol . L. Subt.

Where are these Triumvirate of Fools now ? You Bully Sneak , with your Brother Coddle-scul , and old Father stupid here , get you off my Ground , or I will use you so like Crows , Magpies and Jackdaws , I will do more than ever Providence did for ye , � I will put something into your Heads , something of weight , Puppies , not a word more , march [ Pushes them all out , then turns to Van Grin . ] And now Myn Heer Van Grin , � laugh , come laugh now ; � Where 's your Jest , now , hah ! thou base , thou sordid cause of my Misfortunes , come give me a Jest for 't , laugh , I say .

Van Grin .

Sacrament , who can jest with a Pistol-Bullet , I could not laugh , Madam , if you 'd give me a Thousand pounds , Faith and Troth .

L. Subt. Out of my sight , thou Insect , Pushes him out , and throws the Pistol on the Table . Oh , I shall grow Mad. Beren .

Nay then , such Instruments as these , are not very convenient .

Berenice takes up the Pistol . L. Subt.

Mad , Mad , raving Mad.

Enter Sir Philip. Sir Phil.

And I so near ye , Madam , to claim your Griefs , and reconcile your Cares .

L. Subt.

Is there an Impudence on this side Hell like this ? I 'll give y'a Welcome , Sir. Goes to take the Pistol .

Beren .

Nay , not this way , Sister , I must hinder such rough Proceedings , and leave ye to make your party good with him what other way you please , draw his Sword I 'm sure he won't ; and a Man carries no other weapons about him that can hurt a Widow , that I know of . Exit Berenice .

Sir Phil.

What in a fury , Widow , nay then thou art not fit for the good tha� I intend thee ; I confess I had not the Confidence to visi� thee , without the Incouragement of Clarret , but three Bottles of excellen� Bourdeux , � in this Pagan time where there is such an Inundation of Sloe , Sider and Cherry , has made my Tongue so Elegant , and brought my Heart into so Amorous a Condition , that methinks I could even make Love to thee , for to say truth , thou look'st damnably provoking to day .

L. S�bt .

' ��� in vain to abuse him , therefore 't will be Policy in me to dissemble ; down swelling Heart , and Frowns convert to Smiles , and thou great Power that gav'st a Woman Cunning , let him not know the R�ncor of my Heart , but sur�eit with the flattery of my Tongue . Aside .

Sir Phil.

Sollid and thoughtful ; nay , now I view your Eyes better , that downcast glance seems to discover Care ; you have had no late loss , I hope , Madam , your Husband I count none , nor you neither , to my knowledge .

L. Subt.

How poor a Vice 't is in a Man of Sense t'insult o're Womens Weakness !

Sir Phil.

How damn'd a one , 't is in a haughty Widow to think her Sense excels all Humane kind !

L. Subt.

Well , well , you have outwitted me .

Sir Phil.

Miracle in Nature , outwitted thee , why is it possib�e ? and can'st thou own it too ? nay then , I 'll have it Chronicl'd , that she that in defiance of mankind , arm'd with sharp Wit , and shielded with true Pride , that never spar'd a Man in her Abuses , nor fail'd to �ilt him if she knew he lov'd her , should in the bloom of her flourishing Glory , yield up her Lawrels to Triumphant me .

L. Subt.

Why do ye call me proud ? were not my Actions natural ? was 't fit for me to offer you my Fortune , that thought my Person not worth treating for ? What Woman of my Youth , nay , without Ostentation , not common Beauty too , nor least in Wealth , could bear a slight so poor ; for tho' my Husband gave ye up my Fortune , there was Consignment too , of another Blessing to accompany the Money : But you turn Marriage-hater , and your neglect calls me old , wither'd , ugly ; blame me not then for striving , tho' Successless , to dash your Pride , as you to humble mine .

Sir Phil.

Ah , Widow , Widow , tho' I find your subtle Devil has par'd his Claws , � I am not now in humour to be tickl'd : Why did you jilt me , and receive another ? answer that .

L. Subt.

Why did you wrong me , and get another with Child before my Face ? answer me that .

Sir Phil.

Wrong you , why the Devil 's in these Widows , they 'l Ingross all a Man has , before he has 'em , as well as after ; wrong you ! what because I had a mind to use a Sample of the Grain before the heap was to be delivered in the Market ; must you call this a wrong ?

L. Subt.

A Mortal one ; and if you are Generous , you 'l right me now .

Sir Phil.

With all my Heart , and as I 'm now free , and at liberty , I best can do thee Justice ; which , should I marry thee , were most impossible ; I need not tell ye why , � you know the reason . � Come , let 's retire .

L. Subt.

Go , y' are a Devil .

Sir Phil.

You are but a Widow yet ; all in good time , that Title may be alter'd too �

L. Subt.

Why dos't thou rail at Marriage so , thou Monster ?

Sir Phil.

Because I hate it , Child , that 's all the Reason .

L. Subt.

Abhorr'd Impiety , to hate a Sacred Ordination , allow'd by the most Knowing of all Ages .

Sir Phil.

A gross mistake , 't was first devi�'d for Interest by Sapless Dotards , form'd a Law , that their dull First-born Blockheads might inherit ; the generative Faculty should b� free , the Spirit 's pall'd when 't is confin'd to Duty , Restive and stupid , and the Product's answerable ; of Old the Worthles never came by Mar�iage , the Bravest and the Wis�st were all Bastards ; besides , from marrying a Wd�� w , Heaven defend me .

L. Subtle .

A Widow , Sir , why what 's a Widow ?

Sir Phil.

Why , a meer Fripperer , or Broker's Shop , that 's fain to sell her Wares at second hand � yet toils to pass 'em off to Fools for new ; one that 's so very knowing , that she 'd baulk a Youngster , and in Love's business give such violent Instructions , 't would break the heart of a young Fool to follow ; no , if I do forego my happy freedom , which , 'till I dote , I think never shall ; the Grape shall first be press'd by my own hand , I 'll never take the squeezings of another , I 'll have a Maid , that 's certain .

L. Subtle .

A Maid , thou Coxcomb , I 'm asham'd of thee , dost thou pretend to be a man of sence , Learn'd in the Mathematicks of Intreague , and choose an ignorant raw aukward Maid before a Skilful Widow , oh stupidity ! Go to the Garden , take green Gennitings , and set thy teeth an edge thou codled Coxcomb ; or shall I fetch thee some green Goosberries , and send a Maid to keep thee Company ; a whitely thing just wean'd from Jointed Baby , that opens mouth to eat , but can say nothing ; such trash as this is the best fruit for Fools ; a Widow , like the blushing velve� Peach , by Summer ripened , to indulge the taste , is a Regalia for a Man ; Maids , green crude stuff , and only fit for Boys .

Sir Phil.

'T is very fine , a Lady of your Beauty and your Fortune , oh how this witty Railery becomes , well then , Boy as I am , I 'll shew one manly sign , I 'll mannage the Writings wisely , that I 'm resolv'd on . Enter Berenice .

Beren .

Sir Philip I 'm sure can do nothing , but like a man of Honour .

Sir Phil.

Oh , cry ye mercy , Madam , and Sence too , I hope , therefore thus humbly take my leave .

Beren .

Nay , but pray stay a little , Sir.

Sir Phil.

Not for the World , Madam , the Widow has so maul'd me already with her great Cannon , that should I stay to engage with your small shot , I should have more holes in me , then a Dutch Man of War had in the last Engagement ; and therefore , to bring my Simile a little nearer home , like a Cock that 's over-match'd , I intend to shrink from the Pit before my eyes are peck'd out .

Beren .

Your eyes , why what d' ye take us for , Sir ?

Sir Phil.

Two of the greatest Rarities of your kind ; two that shall rally a Man to death in an hours time , without putting your self out of breath for 't . Runs out .

Beren .

This is one of the oddest humours ! what , I warrant you have been severe with him ?

L. Subtle .

No , hang him , I broke out only a little at last , when he was preferring a Maid before me ; I smother'd my rage 'till then , tho' I confess with as mu�h pain as if I had had a sit of the stone , for he gave me not a word of satisfaction about the Writings � he designs to starve me , I 'm confident , if the Law don't relieve me .

Beren .

Nay , nay , no starving Sister , you have yet a hundred pound a year to live on .

L. Subtle .

What 's that ? I must put down my Coach , Child , is not that starving a Widow ?

Beren .

Next door too 't , I confess , as the humour of the Times are .

L. Subtle .

Ah! I had rather be without meat and drink a thousand times . Well , sure this Devil won't possess him always , one happy minute must be mine at last , which to be sure of , what would � not attempt � what to obtain her Ends � would not a Woman do ?

Would Fortune once my working Brain inspire , I 'de plunge through deepest Sea , or fiercest Fire , Hazard my Life , nay Soul , to compass my desire . Exit . Beren .

Nay , on my Conscience , if there is a way left , thou wilt conjure , but thou wilt have it , that I 'll say for thee . W�ll , what News now ? Enter Comode .

Comode .

My Lady Bumfiddle sends ye word that my Lord Brainless gives the Musick at her Lodgings this Afternoon , before they go to the Park , and desires your Company .

Beren .

Well , I 'll go , because I know I shall meet my Tarpawlin there , whom I have made so angry , that I believe he could beat me with as good a will , as a Saylor that disobey'd his Orders ; 't is all one , I am resolv'd to try him throughly , before I come under his hatches , there will be hours enough to beg his pardon , if ever I give him an advantage over me .

The time of Wooing is a Woman 's own , But when she 's Married once , her time is gone . Exit .
SCENE II. Bumfiddle's Lodgings . Enter Callow and Margery , at several Doors . Callow .

Ah! dear Creature , how much am I oblig'd to Fortune for this lucky minute , that gives me the blessing of meeting her alone , whom I love beyond all the Universe , sink me !

Margery .

You love me , yeth I warrant ye , for what pray ?

Callow .

For thy self , my Dear , thy Innocence and Beauty has so charm'd my heart : her Money I mean ; that I never am a� rest , my Soul , but when I am with thee . Aside .

Marg.

Oh Lord , well then , donth queeth my hand tho .

Callow .

Oh! every part of thee is so Charming to me , that burn me , 't is impossible for me to subsist without thee . The Philly can stand still , I see , when she is without Company . Aside .

Marg.

Why , what d' ye mean to do ? you won't Ravish me , will ye ?

Callow .

I believe she puts me in mind on 't on purpose , Rot me , Aside . Ravish thee , no , no , only a kiss from thy pretty Lips , or so , my Dear sweet Hony-suckle ; nay , nay , no frowning now , nor drawing back , for I must do it , therefore � Kisses her .

Marger .

What d' ye make all this bustle for , why don't ye then ?

Enter Darewell . Darew .

Oh , Lieutenant , you are a happy Man , I see .

Marger .

Oh Lord , the Captain , what shall I do now ? Spets , and speaks as in a rage to Callow . Pugh , pugh , well , as I hope to be thav'd I 'll tell my Father , and my Aunt , tho I will , that I can never live in quiet for ye ; that you are every day teithing , and by your good will would be kithing me every minute ; when you know I hate ye ath I hate the Devil , and with you were hang'd upon our Mulberry-Tree in the Garden , with all my heart ; like a thilly ugly , nathly , pimping , cowardly , tholdierly , rathcally , puppily Fellow ath ye are , to dare to affront me so . Exit . Margery .

Darew .

' Dslife , what 's the meaning of all this rage ? she stood �ame enough to my thinking , when I came in .

Callow .

Ay , and would again , if we were alone ; ' �is the nature of this sort �f Cattle to be skittish , and Rail before Company , but they 'l stand as still in a Corner , as a Town Whore ( got with Child by some poor Bully ) will to a Rich Country Squire , that she intends shall father it : I must after her , for I like her Six Thousand Pounds better than my Commission , faith , Captain . Exit . Callow .

Darew .

Faith I believe thee , as do a great many more of thy Effeminate sort � But stay , where is my jolly Lady all this while , and the Company ? sure I han't mistook her time ; oh ! are you there , Madam ? Enter Berenice .

Darew .

Nay , you shall hear me now , and I must rail at ye , or my heart will break ; call ye ungrateful , proud , false , and unnatural , not only to abuse an honest Fellow that loves ye , but glory and persist in 't � Heav'n , what could you mean by this Letter , this abhor'd Invective ? In a soft tone .

Beren .

This Letter has stuck in his throat worse than a Ship-bisket .

Darew .

Well , what amends for this ? What satisfaction ? she seems good natur'd now , and sorry for what 's past , this may be the Critical minute . Aside .

Beren .

I am more sorry , Sir , then you can desire , and if you 'd please , to name your satisfaction .

Darew .

This is as I could wish , I see t' has touch'd her nearly . Aside .

Beren .

I beg your pardon , Sir , with all my heart , and what else you you 'll honourably Command .

Darew .

only your Love , dear Madam , that 's the Prize I value beyond Empire .

Beren .

'T is yours from this hour , Sir.

Darew .

My Soul , Life , Heart , Blood � Ah Pox o' these Intruders , just in the nick too , when I should have clench'd the Nail I have been so long a driving � ah ! 't is impossible to proceed , now they come like a deluge .

Enter L. Bumfiddle , L. Hockley , Mrs. Bandy , and Mrs. La Pupsey , with her Lap-Dog � L. Bum.

Boy , bid 'em make ready the Tea , and set the Dishes in order : My Dear , your humble Servant , how d' ye good Captain , what so close together , nay , then there 's something more in the wind ; I must know , you 'll never thrive in 't else , Captain ; hark'e , a word in your �ar .

Darew .

So , now shall I be toss'd by the tempest of her tongue , worse than ever I was by a storm in the Bay of Biscay . L. Bum. whispers Darewell .

L. Hock �

I vow Mrs. La Pupsey , I never look upon your fine Dog , bu� it sets me almost a crying ; I had the finest Bolognia Shock was drown'd t'other day , that , o' my Soul � ever lay in Lap ; I carried him to the Park every night with me , the Creature had so swe�t a breath , that I vow I mis� it strangely .

Bandy .

'T is a delicate prit�y Rogue ind�ed , now my Mother is so cross , she 'll let me have nothing to play with ; I did but desire t'other day to buy a little Monkey for my Chamber , and flying out into a passion , she swore a great huge Oath , I had as lieve thou shouldst have a Man there .

La. Pup .

Go Dony , go to my Lady , and kiss her , and l�ve her , that 's my sweet Creature .

L. Hock �

Come , dear Iewel , come . � Take the Do� .

La Pup .

Did you ever se� a thing so modest , and so shy in your life , Madam , here 's no Courting him to a Wise ; I have been this �hree Months making a Match for him , and could never get him in humour .

L. Hock

Fy� , that 's a mighty fault , indeed .

La. Pup �

Th�n � M�da� , of all Creatures Heterog�neal , he is the most � Cleanly , � no Ma�ge , �or ever Impe�iginous in the least ; � then he 's a Miracle for his distinction in Philanthropy , he has a� en�ire love for our Party ; he knows my Humour to a Hair ; he 'l not come near the Tarpawlin Captain , yo�der , because he 's a Williamite , 't is a wonder to tell ye , but the Creature has a strange ave�sion for this Gover�ment .

L. Hock

Alas , all the Ingeniou� part of the Nation have so , Madam .

Bandy .

W�ll , l'vads I will hav� a Dog then , let my Mother say what she will ; � I believe it teaches her to talk so , for I never hea�d such fine words in my life . Aside .

Darew .

Faith , Madam , all that I can find by your long whispering , is , that you have a mind to dine with me to morrow .

L. Bu� .

Why , what a blunt Ass art thou � � to tell me of Dining with thee ; Dine with thy Mistres� , Fool , and let m� b� by to put in a word for thee , if thou'�t wise ; � depend upon me , I know he� Humour to a Scruple , and if thou takest my Council , thou shall have her : � Do I talk of Dinners now ? � 't is true , a good fat Haunch of Venison , boyl'd with Colli�lowers , would do well to piddle over : � Eating toge�her begets Love : 'T was my Husband'� Venison more than himself , that first won my Heart , as I 'm a Protestant .

Dar�w .

W�ll then , Madam , since you will be concerned in my Affair , be sure y' are Industrious .

L. Bum.

Keep up thy Inter�st with me , thou shalt have her , Boy .

Enter L. Brainless , Singers , Musick , and Dancers . L Brain .

Oh , Madam , your Ladyships most humble Servant , yours , yours , dear Ladies , and your most obedient Slave , dear , sweet , pretty Dony ; gad I beg your Pardons , all , for being thus tardy ; oh , how do's my dear Captain too ? why this is a piece of a Miracl� to find thee a-shore , and especially amongst the Ladies , where Musick is going forward , for I know thou hatest all these Effeminate Instruments , hark'e , shall I send to the Tower , and borrow two or three pieces of Canon to entertain the� , ha , ha , ha .

Darew .

Coxcomb . � Aside .

B�ren .

Wou'd they wou'd haste and begin ; that grim furly look of the Captains , will put us all out of Humour , else ; what a Face is there , with a grim�ce as sower as if the Surgeon were just putting him on a Wooden-Leg �

Darew .

The Devil it is , � well , I hope you like it ; however , Madam . �

Beren .

I like it , I like the Face upon that Fiddle there , better by half ; I like it , � ha , ha , ha , ha .

Darew

Bu� , Madam , Madam .

Beren .

Oh , none of your Culverin Shot here , good Captain , you had better use it against the French at Sea.

Darew .

Damn her , she 's got into one of her old freaks again .

L. Bum.

Words of course , words of course , Fool , apply thy self to me ; I tell thee , I 'll do thy business ; hark in thy ear , get the Venison ready .

La. Pup .

Why , sure the Gentleman can't be so desipient , to take any thing ill that a Lady says ; Railery from a Woman , though never so sev�re , should be supported by every man of Sense with generous Equanimity .

Darew .

Oh , good Madam , be pleas'd to Cramp your Dog there , with your hard Phrases , and let him lick you an answer , how you please ; or go and puzzle my Lord there , any one but me I bes��eh ye .

L. Pup .

Lick me an Answer , come Sir , I must tell ye , your Discourse ha� no Concatination in 't , 't is all blunt and disjoyn�ed , and , as my Lord says , your Soul is very unmusical , that I believe you never knew a Diaphony from a Diapason .

Darew .

Nay , nay , I 'll not b� tongue-worried now , I 've a remedy �ort . � Exit .

Bandy .

VVell , I swear I could live and dye with this La Pupsey , if it were only to hear her talk .

L. Hock

She excels me , I think in the Cassicks , but I was always accounted much the best Natural Philosopher .

L. Brain .

Come , Madam , now I will present you with my own Composition , which I lately told ye of , wherein I envy the joys of that happy Creature , your Dog , and passionately bemoan my own Infidelity ; I was extreamly Melancholly when I writ it .

La Pup .

Where 's your bow down to the ground , Dony ? Your Lordships most humble Servant , says he . Enter Boy with Tea .

L. Bum.

My Lady Hockly , wilt have any Tea ? Mrs Berenice , prithee come and sit by me .

Beren .

'T is for my Instruction , I know , Madam , � now has she some smutty Joke or other to whisper me : They sit down all .

Ay � � 't is as I said . L. Bum. whispe� �

La. Pup .

Come , my Lord , now your own , I beseech ye , I know it must be extraordinary .

L. Brain .

With all my Heart ; you must know Ladies , I call it Celadon's Complaint agai�st Monsieur Le Chien ; 't is writ like a Man of Quality , when the next new Play comes out : I intend to give it the Poet , to shew 'em the right way of making a Song : Hem , hem , �

The SONG of Monsieur Le Chien . GReat Jove once made Love like � Bull ; With Li�da a Swan was in vogue , And to persevere in that Rule , He now does descend like a Dog ; For when I to Silvia would speak , Or on her Breast sigh what I mean ; My Heart strings are ready to break , For there I find Monsi�ur Le Chien . 2. For Knowledge in Modish Intreagues , Or managing well an Amour , I defie any one with two Legs , But here I am Rival'd by sour : Distracted all night with my wrongs , I cry , Cruel Gods , � what d' ye mean , That what to my Merit belongs You bestow upon Monsieur Le Chien . 3 For Feature or Niceness in Dress , Compare with him surely I can ; Nor vainly my self should express , To say I am much more a Man ; To the Government firm too , as he , ( The former I cunningly mean ) And if he Religious can be , I 'm as much sure as Monsieur Le Chien . 4 But what need I publish my part� , Or idly my Passion relate ; Since Fancy that Captivates Hearts Resolves not to alter my Fate : I may Sing , Caper , Ogle , and Speak , And make a long Court ausi bien , And yet with one passionate �ick I 'm out-rival'd by Monsieur Le Chien .
L. Bum.

Very pretty truly , my Lord.

L� . Pup .

Pretty , 't is incomparable , I swear , your bow to my Lord down to the ground agen , Dony . She bows , the Dog of Lord bows too .

L. Brain .

N� , Faith , there 's no great matter in 'em , tho' the Conceipt , truly I think is new ; but now , Madam , in pursuance of French G�llantry , I hope to have the honour to see the particular entertainment you promised . Goes and talks to La P�psey .

Beren .

Strike up Musick . A S�otch Song and Dance here .

L. Bum.

Ah � sweet Mrs. La Pupsey , what would I give to do as much ; here , prithee take some Tea , 't is good now y' are hot .

La Pup .

Tea , Madam , 't is burnt Brandy .

L. Bum

Why , that 's all the Tea in Fashion , now , Fool.

L. Brain .

�om� , let 's go to Bright�bridge Garden to Coole ; Ladies , I 'll retire and dress , and wait on ye there instantly ; there will be all the World this fine Evening .

��� .

'T is very true , as I 'm a Protestant : come then , my dears , let 's go ?

��� �

Come , Dony , abroad , abroad , Dony kiss me , ye dear Jewel , � kiss , kiss . Exeun� .

SCENE III. Enter Sir Philip and Lovewel . Sings .

Did you not promise me , &c.

Lo�e .

��� ye revoke your Promise then , can ye be so ungrateful ?

Sir Phil

Prithee , my dear , no more , that I will always lo�e thee , thou mayst assure thy self .

���

�ove me , and keep me like a Slave dishonour'd thus , 't is most impossible , no , if you 'd h��e me bel�eve you have the least Comp�ssion for me : perform your Promise , and take me for your Wi�e .

Sir Phil.

My Wife , then I should never love thee more .

Love.

Have I not purchas'd ye with Toyl and Study , paid with my Labour and Industrious Wit , a Ransom for repeal of my Dishonour , nay , brought ye a Fortune too beyond your hopes , the best Inducement to a Marr�age st�te , and de' ye �orget me ? fye , Sir , indeed � you must not , you know y' are mine by bargain .

Sir Phil.

And will perform it to th�e the best way , by a fr�e , vigorous and active love , nay , if I fail thee , Child , then I were ungrateful indeed .

Love.

You never can perform , unless you marry me .

Sir Phil.

Oh , I warrant �hee , Child , I warrant thee .

Love.

You know I love ye much beyond my life ; you know what 's due to a Vow of Honour� and tho' my tender years , and too fond Heart , charm'd by your Merit , and your graceful Person , was won too soon at first : I could not doubt your Vows , and was as innocent of doing wrong , as fearless of receiving it from you .

Sir Phil.

' D�heart , with naming Marriage , g�d thou hast also made me keck already : oh , I should make a damn'd confounded Husband ; I am like those that cannot sleep with Doors and Windows shut , if I want Air I suffocate : besides , is it not better to come to thee , wanton and bri�k , and aiery as a Bird , to hop into the Bosom , Sing and Bill , then fly away , soon after come again , pruning my self in welcome Liberty , than be confin'd to moulter in a Cage , and batten in the Excrement of Marriage ?

Love.

Does this Consideration Countervail my being a Whore , and my dear Boy a Bastard . �

Sir Phil.

A Bastard , why he 's the more like to be a Hero , I hope ; I was a Bastard my self .

Love.

No , you design , I see , to break my Heart : ah barbarou� Man , how can you be so Cruel ? have I not always been most faithful to ye ? can there be any Virtue in a Wife , which I 'de not hourly practice to oblige ye ? nay , do me but this Justice , you shall find , I 'll be the dearest h�mblest of your Creatures : Say , think , do what you please , I 'll be obedient , never repine or grumble at your Actions , nor say you wro�g me , tho' you give cause ; never expect the Pleasures that Wives covet , to gad abroad , and Riot in rich Clothes , but sit at home all day like a House-Dove , and if I have you there be glad and merry , if not , with throbbing Heart be still and Patient � my Eyes shall watch , which if some drops should fill I 'll dry 'em up just as I hear you coming , and meet my Love still with a face of Joy.

Sir Phil.

Pretty Rogue , prithee no more of this sad stuff , � thou madest me sick just now with talking , and now thou makest me melancholly .

Love.

Upon my Knees I beg .

Sir Phil.

Oh fie , this carrying the humour on so far , will make me Angry , you know my Humour , and 't is unalterable , � I 'll provide for ye well , and you in reason should desire no more ; and now our busines� is done , � you shall come away from Sir Lawrence to morrow , � but not a word more of this stuff , as you tender my Displeasure . � Marry , in the Devils name , ' d�death I 'm all over in a cold Sweat at the thought on 't . Exit Sir Phil.

Lo�e .

Base and perfidious , hast thou then deciv'd me , is there no truth nor honour in the Sex , no Balmy Cure for betray'd Innocence too fondly trusting in deceitful Man ? � Ah , no , I find there is not , let Cunning then , the Woman 's never sailing Art assist me ; once more I 'll set my fruitful Brains to work , � fawn , wheedle , lye , and seem to be pleas'd , as is if he really had kept his Promise : hah , 't is hatching here al�eady , and I hope 't will prosper , to redress such a wrong every just Power will Aid me :

The very Indian Heathens hate this Ill , They never promise more than they fulfil : If any Virgin does her Humour trust Her Tawny Lover , tho' he 's rude is just : But our worse Heathens here conspire our Ruin , And make a jest of a poor Maid's undoing . Exit .
ACT IV.
SCENE I. Enter Sir Lawrence , Solon and Bias. Sir Lawr.

FOR an old Courtier that has liv'd in four Kings Reigns , seen three Crown'd , and had a strong hand in the late Revolution , who , tho' he has got nothing , has spent an Estate amongst 'em , and that 's goo� sign one of a Courtier , to find in his latter days such a dearth of good Manners , as to see himself affronted , and his Progeny baffled , by a clest Canibal , a Woman ; it has not only given me the Spleen , but methinks I have upon me , the Gout , the Stone , the Sciatica , and all the Distempers incident to Human frailty , through mere vexation by the Parlia�ent .

Bias.

Well , let it be as it will , I 'll be a Man or a Mouse I 'm resolv'd on 't , I will have a Wife somewhere or other , now my mind is set on 't , let the Widow be as Musty as she pleases � what , any Man that will Marry need not want a Wife in London sure .

Sir Lawr.

No Boy , I 've another in my Eye for thee , I look upon this senceless haughty Minx that abus'd us , as upon a thing of nothing , and now she 's baffled of her Writings , a thing that has nothing , nor shall deserve our further trouble � for a Widow without Money , is like a Purse without it , when once she is empty she in not worth wearing .

Solon .

True , Father , or like a Nut that 's Maggot-eaten , when this Kernel's gone once , the Shell is not worth cracking , as a Man may say .

Sir Lawr.

By the Parliament , and that 's well said , Solon , I see this Boy has his Wit by sits and girds , as Women have their good Humors � gad , one of the old Patriarch� could not have spoke a wiser thing than that now .

Bias.

There 's another Widow that I know of , that I believe has a Months mind to me , and I 'll go and strike her up ere long ; ' y�aith I 'll make but few words with her , not I ; if they wont when they may , they may let it alone for Bias , � 't is the Widow Hockley I mean , I believe you know her , old Gentleman .

Ent�r Pimpwell , Bias.

How now , � What would this Woman have , 't is all one , I 'll have a smack at her , saith , I 'll give her a touch to remember me by � Goes and kisses her rudely .

Pimp .

Rude ill-bred Fellow .

Sir Law.

Ha , ha � Did you ever see such a Mettled Rogue , this is so like me in my young days , I have done as much to my Mo�hers Dairy-Maid many a time in the Corn-�ield at home .

Bias.

Nay , never frown nor call names for the matter , here are Lads of mettl� , I can tell ye but that .

Pimp .

Prethee Fool be quiet , I have nothing to say to thee , my business is to this Gentleman . Goes t� Solon , �e shrin�s back .

Solon .

Me �orsooth , why I don't know ye not I , as a Man may say .

Bias.

Give her a smack , Solon , don't let her prate , give her a smack , I did Boy .

Pi�p �

Sir , tho' I 'm a stranger t' ye , I suppose you know my Mistress , Madam ��� .

Sir Law.

Humph , Berenice .

Pimp

Who knowing ye to be in the Garden , sends word by me , that she desires to be happy in your good company .

Bias.

Smack her , I say , Solon . Come , I 'll shew thee the way . Goes towards her .

Sir Lawr.

' Dsheart , let her alone , Sirrah . Madam , your most humble Servant � my Son shall wait upon her Ladyship instantly , and I beg your pardon heartily for t others rudeness , for to say the truth , he 's drunk , Madam , � I had no way but that to bring the Dog off . aside .

Pimp .

I 'm satisfy'd , Sir , � come , Sir , Will ye go ?

Solon .

Ay with all my heart . Really Madam , I 'm overjoy'd , as a Man may say .

Bias.

Gadzooks , why this Solon's a lucky Dog now .

Sir Lawr.

Lucky , ay : � you had like to have made fine work , sie upon 't : introth Bias , you must not be so rampant , you might have spoil'd your Brother's Fortune by 't , by the Parliament you might , now I 'm serious , � but go , d' ye hear , Comb your Peruke , and spruce your self up , the new Widow will be here presen�ly , she 's to come with my Sister Bumfiddle � go go you 'll find me hereabouts . Exit Bias.

Sir Lawrene solus .

Ah , many a nights rest do these two Boys hinder me of , they 're two ingenious Youths truly , at least , if I may be Judge , especially Solon , wherein I di��et from other Fathers , who generally are �ondest of the eldest Blockhead ; now I am of the youngest : I have a Daughter too , but I think she 's secure enough from the Town-Fellows , for I have neither let her Write nor Read , because she shan't understand Love-Letters : humph , by the Parliament , here she comes , and that same Rake � helly Lieutenant with her , Enter Callow and Margery . if this skittish lisping Jade should turn Whore now , before she can read her Horn book � the Devil must be very strong in her . I 'll stand aside and observe .

C�llow

To affront and abuse your humble Servant so , my dear pretty Creature , without any reason , I swear it went to my Heart .

Marg.

Why , What would you have me do when the Folks thee us , I 'm tho asham'd be�ore company , I can't tell what to do , besides , if my Father should but know .

Sir Lawr.

Which , the Devils in him if he should , being so far out of the way �

aside . Marg.

He would never let me go abroad agen , for he hates I thould talk to a Ma� for fear I thould Marry , and oblige him to pay me a Porthion .

Sir Lawr.

Does he so , Oatmeal Face , I shall talk with you presently . aside .

Callow .

Thy Father , ah prithee don't name him , Child , as long as I have thee of my side , the old Fellow 's but aCipher , besides , I out-wit him always , I lead him by the Nose when-ever I see him , Rot me .

Sir Lawr.

Very good , there 's an impudent Rogue too , he has an ignorant raw skittish Head , with a Flairing Comode on , and he 's an Addle Blockheaded B�lly , with a �luttering Scarfe on , they 're a mighty �ine Couple indeed .

Marg �

Nay , pish � now you squeeth me too hard agen , lord you make such a Bu��le always , and do tho Ru��le and tumble ones Head with kithing one .

Callow .

A thousand Pardons my dear Rogue � that's well put in my Head faith .

Kisses her . Sir Lawr.

Oh rare , rare doings ! She can't speak at home , nor won't let a Man touch her when she 's before me ; but the Quean can bill like a Pidgeon , I see , now . aside .

Marger .

O my Conscience , for ought I thee you intend to marry me .

Callow .

Marry thee ; Ay , what else my dear Rogue .

Marg.

O Lord , I shall never endure it , I shall cry my self to death .

Sir Lawr.

O hang ye � aside .

Callow .

What a plague does she mean ? I believe she has a mind to have a touch before-hand , Sink me .

Marg.

Besides , my Father will kill me .

Callow .

He , an Old Grizzle , � ' Dslife I 'd banter him to death in half an hours time ; and if he should but touch thee , I would give him a sillup with my two Fingers , that should knock him as �lat as a Battle-Ax � Burn me .

Sir Lawr.

Why then Sirrah , there 's a �illup to provoke ye � Come Draw , Bully , Draw � I will cut your Throat else , by the Parliament I will , I can Swear as well as you , Dogbolt .

Callow .

' Dsheart , Sir Lawrence here ; what shall I do now ?

Marg.

My Father ! Now the Devil take all ill Luck � I mutht take his part � Do , do , Father � Beat him , thwinge him , break his Bones , cut his Throat , for I can never be quiet for him , like a deboath'd , drunken , doltish , dunderheaded , detheitful , damn'd , devillish Dog , as he is , to t�ith me �ho .

Callow .

So , so ; She 's in the old stile again � I shall be worried between 'em if my Legs don't befriend me � Runs out .

Sir Lawr.

A Cowardly Rascal ; what is he gone ? � Here 's a fine Scarse-Officer for ye , � if they should chance to be all such , we should beat the French finely ; we should have a special Army by the Parliament .

Marg.

I believe , Sir , I have forwarned the Fellow above a Thouthand times tho I have .

Sir Lawr.

Oh , very likely ; that made you cry , O Lord you make thutch a Buthle , and do tho Ru��le ones head with kithing one , � Hah , you lithping Quean you : � But I 'll manage you I 'll warrant you . � Come Hussy , �ome along with me . Exeunt .

Enter Sir Philip , Darewell , and Van Grin . Van Grin .

You never saw such a Fellow as I am in your life , Captain , for the more the Widow Rail'd , the more I Laugh'd , ha , ha , ha , till she fetch'd out the Pistolls , and then she made me as mute as a Fish saith ; for you know there was no Jest in that ; but till then , ha , ha , ha , ha , you would have dy'd with Laughing , Jest after Jest , Hit after Hit , Joke after Joke , souse upon her , as fast as Hops , you never saw such a fellow in your life , Faith and Troth .

Darew .

No the Devil take me not I , nor any one else , I b�lieve .

Sir Phil.

I 'll discover my self to the Fool , 't will add to the Jest.

Darew .

No , prithee , not yet ; let him go on a little further .

Van Grin .

But the Devilish Jest of all was , that I should give the Writings , instead of the confounded Cou�s�llor , to this plaguy Sir Philip , ha , ha , ha , ha , � whom I never saw in my Life ; but I hear he 's the Devil of a Fellow .

Sir Phil

The Devil he is , and are you sure you don't know him when you see him , Min Heer Van Blunderpa�e .

Van Grin .

Ha , ha , ha , ha � Grin stares at him and Laughs

Sir Phi� .

Ha , ha , ha , ha �

Van Grin .

'T is so , 't is he ; Give me thy hand ye Devil you , hark ye you serv'd me a plaguy trick , ye young Dog , but I can't be angry with thee for the heart of me , ha , ha , ha , ha � Well I 'm in haste now , but I must Crack a Bottle with thee some time or other , for I can't be angry faith , ha , ha , ha .

Exit Grin . Sir Phil.

No , so I �ind ; ha , ha , ha . �

Darew .

For fear of being beaten , ha , ha , ha , � 't is such a grinning Puppy ; and here comes another almost as bad ; Oh my Lord , what you are hunting the Duck here , I suppose ; Mrs. La Pupsey is in the next . Walk , she 's div'd just before ye .

Enter L. Brainless new Dress'd . L. Brain .

A Pox take my Valet du Chamber , I should have been here half an hour ago , if the Rascal had Dress'd me sooner : � Prithee , Sir Philip how do'st like me , thou' rt a Man of Judgment ; the Devil take me if I am not very much out of humour about it .

Sir Phil.

Why , what would you have my Lord ? here 's the Brandenburgh's Cut to a Hair , I see . The Walks begin to sill , here 's Leviathan coming , and the rest of the fry , I shall be swallow'd if I stay , farewell : I 'll go and sit an hour with my little dear at home , and keep my word with her like a Man of Honour . Exit .

Darew .

I had a Command from my Lady of the Lake too , to attend , she 's somewhere in the Garden and I must follow her , tho' the dear damn'd Devil abuses me perpetually : ' Slise here she is � hah �

Looks angerly on Solon . Enter Berenice , Solon , and La Pupsey .

�irrah , let go her hand , or I 'll cut your Ears off before her Face .

Solon .

I won't , no , tho' you could Roar as loud as a Cannon , a� a man may say .

Darew .

Why then I 'll try if this can make ye , Rascal . offers to Draw.

Beren .

Do , Draw if thou darest , thou Rash , thou Cholerick Fool ; draw but an Inch ; nay , do but look as if thou wouldst , by all the Saints above , I 'll discard thee for ever .

Darew .

Death , Hell , and Furies ! you make me a mere Changeling .

Beren .

Why , then I make you what you are ; and suppose you are Commanded to Act an Ass a little , will you refuse it to oblige your Mistress .

Darew .

To Rank me with such a thing as that , a Dolt , a Fool.

Solon .

Fool in your Face , Sir. Gadzookers , Madam , stand by and see fair play ; you shall see me give the Captain a Salt-Eel : 'Slid I 'll not be baffled by ne'er a Water Rat of 'em all , for now my blood 's up I 'll cut and slash , or go to Loggerheads with him if he dares .

La Pups .

Ha , ha , ha , This Fool will make rare sport ; I 'll improve it .

B�ren .

D' ye hear , on my Conscience he 'll beat thee .

Darew .

Oh Women , Women ! what were Men born to suffer .

Beren .

To call a Gentleman Fool , a Man of his rare Qualifications ; you shall see a spice of his parts , come Dance , Sir , � She Sings , he Dances awkwardly . Dance any thing Extempore . � There 's a Lover for ye : So , now break a �est , quick , quick , break a Jest.

Solon �

A Jest ; why I say the Captain will never take a French Prize at Sea ; because he 's so ill at taking an English one ashore � there 's a Jest for ye .

Darew .

Sordid Puppy .

Beren .

There 's a Jest Extempore ; that 's more than the greatest Wit in Town can do , by this Light , Captain .

Darew .

Oons , d' ye call that a Jest.

La Pups .

A Jest , Ay ; and a good one too : Come now , Sir , as your last Tryal , Sing the Dialogue with me , that I shew'd you in the Arbor just now � Observe Captain . � Here they both Sing . A DIALOGUE between Solon and Berenice . Beren . DAmon , if I should receive your Addresses ; What would you do to deserve my Embraces ? Solon . If my dear Silvia would favour my Passion ; I would in faithful Love , Excel the Nation . Beren . I am Rich , Fair , and Young , Charming my Face is ; What merit can you boast to gain such Graces ? Solon . I can Sing , Dance , Run , Leap , Wrestle , and Tumble ; And all the Day and Night be your most humble . Beren . Can you be patient , and Iealousie smother , If you should Chance to see me Kiss another . Solon . I 'm in good Nature all others exceeding ; And well acquainted too with your Town breeding . Beren . Or if before my Time you find me swelling ; Would you not grumble , nor think of Rebelling ? Solon . I front my betters have learnt those Expedients ; And can by City Rule practise Obedience . Beren . Or if in Riot , Rich Cloths , or at Play still , I lavish Thousands , yet would you Obey still ? Solon . In living great you would add to my Fame too : There 's scarce a London Wife but does the same too . Beren . Take , Take my hand then , and straight let 's effect it ; Thou art the very Fool I 've long Expected . Solon . Let Fortune frown I can never miscarry , For just such Fools as I are all that Marry .

Beren .

Very good ; What think you now , Sir ? Is this accomplish'd person a Fool ? When will you do as much Captain ?

Darew .

Well I 'm fated to be the Fool my self ; what would you have me say .

Beren .

Then live and learn , I mean more manners , Sir , than to question my behaviour ; do that when you have power over me : Come , Sir.

Darew .

' Dsdeath , you won't walk alone with him .

Beren .

Not alone with him ; who told you so ? Come worthy Sir.

Solon .

Gadzooks this is the Cricketty Minute , as my Brother Bias calls it : Lord how the Captain looks ! as a Man may say . Exeunt .

Darew .

Go and be dam'd ; I 'll plague my self no more ; but only this , I 'll beat that Fellow , present her with his Nose , and never see her after .

Exit Darewell .
SCENE II. Enter L. Subtle . Lovewel . L. Subtle .

Then dear Sir , or dear Madam , for I yet scarce know what to call ye , I am so transported with what you have told me , Will you promise to be true to me ?

Lovew .

As your own Heart , Madam , you see before ye , a poor un�ortunate Woman , abus'd beyond �ufferance , by that worst of Monsters Sir Philip , the just Sence of which has rais'd my Spleen so high , that I will crack my Brain but be reveng'd , therefore once more assure your self , that as for his sake my Wit has us'd you ill , so for yours and my own , it shall make ample satisfaction .

L. Subtle .

Get but the Writings back � I 'le wear �hee here , here next my Heart , where thou shalt grow for ever .

Lovew .

I 'll do 't or dye � Have you seen Counsellor Splutter since we conferr'd last night together , he should have been here this Minute .

L. Subtle .

No , but have Fee'd him largely , not for his own , but to take thy Advice .

Lovew .

And he has done it faithfully , he has contriv'd the rarest new Deed about the Estate of Sir Solomon's Uncle , that died at Hamburgh , that our witty Knight will be so puzled about it , for I know his covetous Humor , and have accordingly fitted him ; oh , here he comes , so Sir , you have dispatch'd I see .

Enter Splutter with a Deed. Splut .

Ah Sir , you could not doubt that , when I was to serve so good a Client as my Lady , here 's that will puzzle the Spark , or the Devil's in'� , but if this trick should fail , we have still another Game to play with him , for then I 'll advise my Lady to go on with her Writ of Cozenage , ' gad there we 'll trounce him .

Lovew .

No , prethee since Wit has begun , let Wit end it , and do thou but play thy part in bantring , as well as I have �one in flatt'ring and fawning on him , 't is impossible but we should succeed .

L. Subtle .

Does he swallow that Pill finely ?

Lovew .

As I could wish , and now I don't touch upon Marriage , the lewd wretch is as kind to me , as he should really have been , had he done me Justice , whilst I degenerated by my wrongs , lie in his Arms and Plot like a true Jilt , and whilst he kisses me , vow dire revenge , � Hark , the Garden Bell rings , 't is he , all away to your Post , and Lawyer � mind but your Cue , ne'r doubt the happy Issue , when I have finish'd the work this shall be the sign . whistles . Exeunt .

L. Subtle .

And if there be a happy Star for Widows , shine clear now I beseech thee . Exit .

Enter Sir Philip. Sir Phil.

How does my Blessing , what alone and melancholy , well , a pox take all Business I say , I had been with thee an hour sooner , but that the House of Commons sate so late , that

Lovew .

That you could not mind your Mistress , for minding the weighty Affairs of S�ate , hah � If I had not help'd him out , that Lie would have made him black in the Face aside .

Sir Phil.

Right Child , well but prethee , How go Affairs with the Widow , hah , and the old Musty Knight , hast thou taken thy leave ?

Lovew .

Speak softly , Sir , I have a Secret to tell ye .

Sir Phil.

A Secret , prethee what is 't , out with 't ;

Lovew ,

Come a little further from that Door there .

Sir Phil.

That Door , Why what 's the matter ?

Lovew .

Hush , softly I tell ye , hark in your Ear , Counsellor Splutter's in the next Room .

Sir Phil.

Counsellor Splutter , how so , nay your Footman can tell ye that he shew'd him up , for my part I absconded , t was not sit for me to be seen .

Sir Phil.

But prethee can'st tell nothing of the business ?

Lovew .

Why , by what I over-heard , the Widow and he have had a difference about the Deed of the other Estate of Sir Solomon's Uncle at Hamburgh , which is in his possession , in which it seems you have likewise a considerable share , and the stingy Widow not giving a good Fee , I suppose he 's come over to your side , � so that you are like to wallow in good Fortune now �

Sir Phil.

Dear dear lucky Rogue � 't is thou art the cause of all , and I will so reward thee � well , I 'll go to him �

Lovew .

Patience a little , Sir , there may be a trick in 't , and he may chance to be a false Brother , and design to over-reach ye , now I have it in my Head , Sir.

Sir Phil.

What , what , dear Rogue ?

Lovew .

As for your good , Sir , I am still contriving . Fawning on him .

Sir Phil.

Sweet , charming , precious , prithee go on .

Lovew .

That if this Lawyer should prove a knave , which you know is no miracle .

Sir Phil.

No no , a Miracle , no no.

Lovew .

And you two should differ about Proposals , being possess'd of the Deed , having power to wrong ye ; to prevent all , I have contriv'd that you should lock me into the Closset here , then bring him in to discourse the business over , so that I hearing every word between ye , may be a good Evidence in case of Knavery :

Sir Phil.

I gad , thou' rt in the right Child , why , thy Wit increases every Minute , it keeps no bounds , why this is the prettiest project to out-trick a Lawyer , here , get in quickly my dear , pretty Angel , faith thou tak'st too much care .

Lovew .

All for you sake , Sir. Clapping his Cheek�

Si� Phil.

I know it , and will be grateful to thee my Delight , my Jewel � there 's no Service under Heaven that I would not do to oblige my Dear , Dear , Witty , Sweet , Kind , Lucky .

Lovew .

Will you Marry me , Sir ?

Sir Phil.

Aw , � goe go , prithee get into the Closset Child , I 'm afraid the Man of Law will bolt in upon us , and then our Plot 's spoil'd .

Lovew .

D' ye keck still ; I 'll make ye glad to do 't ere I have done with ye .

Sir Phil.

So now , I 'm recover'd from my Fit again ; He locks her into the Closset . that plaguy word comes always upon me , like an Eastern Wind , it blasts all my Joys in a moment , � now to my Lawyer , I hope there 's another Estate coming , I shan't want a Witness , and I 'm resolv'd I 'll make him bawl loud enough .

Exit . Re-enter Lovewell , with the Box of Writings , and Casket of Iewels . Lovewell .

I have 'em once more , and to Sacred Fate , thus low I bow , with thanks for the Success : The Jewels too Man's glittering Opens the Casket damnation .

Now Marriage-Hater , tho' I still must be , Unhappy in my wrong'd Virginity ; I 'll keep thee poor , thus I 'm reveng'd of thee , Whistles and Exit . I 'll never pay thee for my Infamy . Enter Sir Philip , and Splutter with a Parchment . Sir Phil.

Come Sir , here 's a better light , pray speak out ; I 'd not give three half pence a Motion from this Lawyer , he 'd not be heard two foot off in Westminster hall . aside .

Splutter .

She 's gone , I heard the Sign , � aside .

Why truly , Sir , my Lungs are none o' th best � Ugh , Ugh � Coughs . but I 'll read as well as I can , Sir , � and if you are the Heir at Law to this Estate �

Sir Phil.

Come , prithee begin ; thou' rt a plaguy while about it ; � Come , this Indenture .

Splutter .

This Indenture made the Fifteen Day of August , Anno. Dom. 1690.

Sir Philip.

So , now he Mouths it like a right Lawyer ; the Devil 's in 't if she does not hear him now � aside .

Splutter .

In the Third Year of the Reign � but hark ye ; before I go any further let 's see the Will , to know whether your Name is Right here , I 'll not read a Word more till I see that , you may be the wrong Person for ought I know .

Sir Phil.

Pox of his dilatory Impertinence ; now must I go fetch the Writings out of my Closet . � How now , the Door open , � sure this Lawyer could not blow a Door open with his Bawling ; � No , no , it maybe I slipt the Lock ; I hope all 's well within . Exit .

Splutter .

I , much good may 't do ye with the Nest , the Birds are flown to my knowledge , and I 'll after 'em ; there 's a Lawyers trick for ye . Exit .

Re-enter L. Subtle and Lovewell : L. Subtle .

Hast got ' em ?

Love.

Fast , fast , Madam ; I 've secured 'em for ye , where they shall never reach his Clutches more .

L. Subtle .

Oh thou dear life of all my Joys to come ; what shall I do to shew my Gratitude . � Embracing her .

Enter Sir Philip. Sir Phil.

Robb'd , Cheated , Trick'd , Undone , by Heaven , not only the Writings gone , but Jewels �oo , � A plague of this Lawyer , and the Female Devil that set him at Work , where are they now � hah �

Sees L. Subtle and Lovewell Embracing . L. Subtle .

My Dear , Witty , Obliging � Kisses her .

Sir Phil.

The Widow here , nay then 't is past Redemption ; my Damnation is preparing and here are my Tormentors ready : Ah Fool , Fool , dull thoughtless Idiot .

L. Subtle .

Now for my Game with him ; I 'll try what Wit he has , now Fortu�� turns the Scale � Most Noble Sir , Charm'd with your Person , routed by your Wit ; My Heart new Modell'd , and my Pride laid low , I 'm contrary to Custom come to Wooe ye ; and tho' a Widow , a mere Brokers-shop , that as you say put off Stale Wares for New , must beg ye to take up with an Old Suit , and Marry me whilst I am worth the wearing .

Sir Phil.

Oh! � Groans .

Lovew .

Or if you think a broken Virgin Better , that is as good a Maid as you have left her , and can make shift to Dine on a poor Joynt , that � you have mad� your Breakfast on before , Here I stand by you ready Cook'd and Dress'd , to be Cut up , Sir , by the Knife of Matrimony .

Sir Phil.

So , there 's two Broad Arrows gone through my short Ribs already � such another Attack and I 'm gone .

L. Subtle .

Tho' y' are possess'd of Seventy thousand Duckets , a mighty Sum in Jewels too , yet , Sir , in Charity you know �

Lovew .

Tho' loaded with your new Estate , in Hamburgh too , Sir , you should not slight poor me .

Sir Phil.

Ah Plague upon ye .

L. Subtle .

A young brisk Widow , is no Purgatory , Sir.

Lovew .

No , Sir , nor is the Property much alter'd in Virgins of my sort .

Sir Phil.

Ah , the Devil take your sorts � there 's no remedy , I shall be worried .

L. Subtle .

Fie , fie , Sir , 't is a shame to let us Court ye so , come , faith , say the word , shall we draw Cuts .

Lovew .

A short and a Long , Come , Sir , here 's a slip of Parchment that ty'd the Box of Writings , this will do rarely . Takes up a slip of Parchment from the ground .

Sir Phil.

Ah stinging Devil .

L. Subtle .

Ha , ha , ha , � he 'll fall to my Lot , on my Conscience .

Lovew

Nay , that 's Injustice , he should rather fall to mine to make amends for old scores , � What say ye , Sir ?

Sir Phil.

Why , I say , that if ye don't both get ye instantly out of the Roo� , I shall beat ye .

L. Subtle .

Ha , ha , ha , ha .

Lovew .

Ha , ha , ha , ha .

Sir Phil.

A Plague on your Merriment , would the Devil had these Lodgings for being so near the Street , I 'd try else if you would make another sort of noise .

Lovew .

That Lewdness has undone thee , impious Wretch , the scrowl of thy Offences are full numbred , and punishment pursues thy Guilt apace , canst thou look on me and not blush to death to see the Innocence , thy Vice has ruin'd ; for tho' by Perjuries and Oaths betrai'd , I swear I was so innocent of Ill , I thought all Love like mine , was Honourable .

Sir Phil.

Wilt thou make me forget my sel� , Wilt thou not be gone , thou Witch thou Devil ? � Consound 'em , What shall I do with ' em .

L. Subtle .

Now Sir , pursue your Marriage-hating Humor , Men of great Fortunes may do what they please , � Fool , thou shalt be my Days and Nights diversion , I 'll never eat but the Theme of all the Jests , shall be Sir Philip's Wit , Sir Philip's Humor , and when I go to Bed , my very Woman � viewing the Jewels , shall even burst with Laughing , and cry out , Oh silly , silly , silly Marriage-hater .

Lovew .

And when I come to th' sport �

Sir Phil.

Why then a Legion comes , a thousand thousand , ' dsdeath , I shall draw upon 'em , if I stay , I 've no patience lest . Runs and locks himself into the Closs�t .

Lovew .

Nay , I han't done with ye yet , Sir. Goes and Drums at his Do�r .

L. Subtle .

There 's a Widow's Call to Marriage too , Sir , I know you love it dearly .

Drums . Oh wretched Tribe , that dare that Law dispute ; Which does their Race distinguish from the Brute : Lust was a Chaos , till the Great Creator , Confin'd to bounds , the Wilds of Human Nature ; But this foul Beast as if of Bounds asham'd . Defying Marriage , chooses to be Damn'd . Exeunt .
ACT V.
SCENE I. Enter Lovewel .

SUre there never was so �ond a fool as I , now the heat of my passion is over , I can't for the heart of me forbear coming back to make him another Proposal , he has us'd me barbarously , but then he has us'd me kindly too by sits , but then agen , the wrong he did me in getting me with Child , is insufferable , � ay , but then agen , 't was with my own consent , but then 't was monstrous in him to refuse to make me amends , ay , but how do I know but this last kindness may Convert him , � 't is no imprudence to try him once more , Heaven may have chang'd his Mind . Sir , Sir , � a word wee . � Knocks softly .

Enter Sir Philip. Sir Phil.

How now , How dar'st thou come back t' abuse me , thou Sorceress , thou Thief , thou damn'd confounded plaguy Creature ?

Lovew .

Alas dear Sir , why do ye wrong me so ?

Sir Phil.

Dear Sir , � ah pox upon thee , dar'st thou mock me ?

Lovew .

Not I upon my Soul , Sir.

Sir Phil.

Or dost thou come back for my Cloaths and Money , thou hast not robb'd me enough , hast thou , thou Sybil. � Where are the Writings and the Jewels , Gipsey hah ?

Lovew .

Pray be not angry , Sir , I have 'em safe .

Sir Phil.

Hah , Hast thou 'em , � have a care of Lying .

Lovew .

By all that 's good I have , Sir , the Widow has not touch'd 'em yet .

Sir Phil.

How 's this , � What a plague , this little Witch did not take ' em . by the way of frolick only , sure , ' dsdeath unriddle this quickly , I 'm impatient .

Lovew .

You shall have 'em agen , Sir.

Sir Phil.

Hah , What sayst thou ?

Lovew .

You shall have 'em agen . �

Sir Phil.

Shall I , � Where , When , How ? ' dsdeath don't tri�le with me .

��vew .

From � me , Sir , from this Hand , this liberal Hand that gave away my Heart , shall give what you desire .

Sir Phil.

Then I 'll believe thou lov'st me .

Lovew .

But you must Marry , Sir.

Sir Phil.

Ugh , ugh , �gh . � Coughs and Spits .

Lovew .

And that be�ore hand too , else I am off the Bargain .

Sir Phil.

Art thou resolv'dd to Murder me ?

Lovew .

Murder ye , sie , 't will be a Health perpetual , all your life past has been perpetual hurry , lavish and wild , 't is time , Sir , now to settle .

Sir Phil.

Settle , and Marry , So ; there is , I remember , a third convenience be�ongs to 't too .

Lovew .

You 'll find your best Convenience is to do 't Sir , take me , and take all ; yet , � if not , Adieu t' ye , I shall make shift to save a Fortune out on 't �

Sir Phil.

Let me consider , and ere I give my resolution fully , sum up the Catalogue of Marriage Evils .

Lovew .

Do , Sir , whilst I opposing answer with its Blessings .

Sir Phil.

Imprimis , to Marry ones Stale Mistress , ridiculous ! �

Lovew .

Not when your Fortune 's sunk , and she brings ye Thirty thousand pounds to build it up again .

Sir Phil.

Secondly , to feed still upon the same Dish , Morn after Morn , Night after Night . � Egud , � Kecks .

Lovew .

Wholesome , wholesome , 't is the variety of Kickshaws that b�eed so many Diseases .

Sir Phil.

Thirdly , to be Forty times call'd Whoremaster , is not half so Igneminous as one Cuckold , � oh �

Lovew .

Nor is the plague of Cuckoldom half so Nauseous as that one Disease that attends the unfortunate Whoremaster .

Sir Phil.

Fourthly , to live like a Dog with a Bottle ty'd fast to his Ta�l , or an Ape with a great Clog on ; Oh Intolerable !

Lovew .

Which you would never have done , if like an Ape you were not Mischievous , or did not like an unlucky Curr run after other Mens Sheep .

Sir Phil.

Then to have a useless Wife Puking � Ugh � an Impertinent Nurse a Snoring pugh � And a little squab Brat a Bawling , � Ugh , ugh , ugh , � Oh the Devil , I shall fetch my Lungs up , I shall never endure it . Coughs .

Lovew .

Why then , Adieu , I 'll never ask ye more , I am resolv'd on 't .

Sir Phil.

Stay � A lucky thought comes to me on the sudden , which if it take Effect , secures me yet � aside . Come hither again , where did you leave the Widow .

Lovew .

At the Streets end , with promise to come and deliver all up to her this Evening ; and since you persevere thus in Injustice , I am resolved I 'll do 't , � She 's so overjoy'd that she Intends to have the Musick and a Masquerade at her Lodging to Night ; she will be grateful to me tho' you wont .

Sir Phil.

Come hither , thou hast won me , I will do 't .

L�vew .

What ? Marry me .

Sir Phil.

Pox , prithee name it by some other word , a Thunderbolt is not so dreadfull the plaguy Black Coat , shall do the plaguy business , if that 's sufficient .

Lovew .

'T is all I wish ; oh , how my Heart beats for Joy , this is the happiest Moment I e'er saw , �

Sir Phil.

I 'll get a Parson and in an hour be with ye ; till when , adieu : Ah little did I e'er think to be Fool'd thus .

Lovew .

Nor I to be so happy . � Exit Lovewell .

Sir Phil.

Of what an odd kind of Composition is the Nature of Man : � If Consideration now could take place in me , I have no reason to deny doing Justice , to this pretty Creature , that is so kind , and can do me so much good , but on my Conscience , my only cause of hating a Wife , is , because it is convenient for me ; and Marriage in those of my humour , is just like Devotion , Lov'd and Practic'd the less , because it is Enjoyn'd us ; besides , being out-witted by this little Devil has so nettled me , that I cannot forbear putting one Trick more upon her , tho' 't is unreasonable : Let me see , she will be Married before she refunds , � Very good ; why she shall , � and I think I have a Valet de Chambre can perform the Office as well as any Priest in Christendom ; 't is true , he 's an Irishman , but a little sense will serve to do such a business . � Hey � Mack-Buffle .

Enter Buffle . Buffle .

Thy will , an 't please thee .

Sir Phil.

Buffle , since this four or five days that thou hast been with me , I have received so good an Opinion of thy Wit , that I have now a project to Employ thee in .

Buffle .

I shall take Care of it to the besht of me Ability , if thou wilt be plain with me in the matter .

Sir Phil.

Why Mack , I must be Married , and I would have thee do the Office for me : Can'st thou read the Service , and Act a Parson rarely , hah ?

Buffle .

Ee warrant thee , for ee have a Brother that is in Order , and ee have seen him do it so often , that ee cannot mistake .

Sir Phil.

That 's well said , I 'll fit thee with a Habit presently , and then do it but Cunningly and be the glory of thy Country .

Buffle .

I warrant thee , I warrant thee , my Father Teg was a cunning Scab before me . � Exeunt .

SCENE II. Enter Lovewell . Lovew .

Tho' to oblige my self I must put this new Trick upon the Widow , yet I cannot in Conscience but contrive something to do her a kindness , and therefore resolve to manage the Old Knight's Nephew , the Flanderkin , till he is fit for my purpose , one Minute will do it , and then away brisk to my own Sir Philip ; Hark , I think I hear him already . Noise within .

Van Grin .

within . Ha , ha , ha , ha , �

Lovew .

Ay 't is he , and I believe laughing at his shadow for want of a better Subject , �

Enter Van Grin . Limping .

Oh Sir , you 're come very opportunely � Pray what is 't provokes your Mirth so .

Van Grin .

Why the oddest Jest that ever I knew in my Life , Faith and Troth , Ha , ha , ha , ha , � for upon the report of the Widows late good success you must know , I was making fresh Love to her , and running after her down a pair of Stairs , where the plaguy Jade her Maid , Ha , ha , ha , � had thrown a hand�ul of Pease just before ; what does me I , but tumble down from Top to bottom Faith and Troth � Ha , ha , ha , Gad I believe I 've broke two of my Ribs � besides , spraining my Leg , Ha , ha , ha , ha , � did you ever know such a �est . Sits down .

Lovew .

No , by my Soul , never such a kind of J�st in my life .

Van Grin .

My Head too , � I 've a knob in that as big as a Turkey Egg , Ha , ha , ha , � She told me before a Cannon shot would not break it , and now I find her words true Faith and Troth .

Lovew .

Oh Sir , 't is a great sign of Love , when she begins to play Frolicks with ye .

Van Grin .

Why faith , I think so , though she has been plaguy cross to me of late too ; but , if I thought this was her way of making Love , Gad I 'd go a�� present her the use of my Legs and Arms , and let her sprain and break 'em as she pleas'd , let her but give me leave to Joke , and all the rest of my Members are at her Service , faith and troth , ha , ha , ha , ha , a very good Jest faith .

Lovew .

And truly , Sir , Yours is the most sensible sort of Love of any I ever heard of ; for a� a famous Author has it ,

He that Hangs , or beats out 's Brains , The Devil 's in him if he feigns . Van Grin .

Why 't is very true ; and that 's very pretty , � and so art thou too , ye little brisk smug-fac'd Rogue , ha , ha , ha , � Oh my Ribs , my Side , my Legs , � ha , ha , ha , � a plaguy Jade , that was such a Jest to throw Pease upon the Stairs .

Lovew .

Ah Sir , thereby hangs a story that would make your Ribs soon well again , if you knew all . �

Van Grin .

Say'st thou so � prithee what is 't ? my dear Mercury .

Lovew .

Nay , I think in Justice I ought to inform ye ; therefore know Sir , the Widow loves ye , and this Masquerade is I believe made chiefly for your sake .

Van Grin .

Ha , ha , ha , � No , no , ye Jest , ye Jest.

Lovew .

Hush , lay your Finger upon your Mouth , � here comes Company ; and if your Legs will give ye leave follow me , I 'll tell ye more . Exit .

Van Grin .

' Dsheart , if my Legs were off I 'd follow thee upon this account .

Exit Limping after her . Enter Bumsiddle and Darewell Darew .

' Dsdeath she has abus'd me beyond humane patience .

L. Bum.

Oh you must never mind that , Captain ; 't is the way of some Women ; You a Man of War , and leave-off the Fight for a Chance shot or two , I 'm asham'd on 't , � When shall we sup together again , the last Venison was very good as I 'm a Protestant .

Darew .

'T was a sign so by your Eating indeed . � aside .

Oh , when you pleas� , Madam , � but hark ye , when is my Marriage to be .

L. Bum.

Why th�u shalt have her to Night , � are the Hundred Guineas ready ?

Darew .

All ready to Chink into your hand , Madam , if that were but done once .

L. Bum.

Thou shalt have her to Night then , I tell thee , she sent to thee to get a Parson ready , did not she .

Darew .

Why yes , and I have one yonder ; but the Devil take me if I am not afraid she 'll have some damn'd freak or other in her head , and plague me again ; see yonder she comes , and that Fool Solon with her , whom I have not yet beaten ; but if he scapes when next I meet him , I 'll give him leave to Rival me indeed .

Enter Berenice , Solon , and Pimpwell . Beren .

Yonder he is , and I must teize him once more , tho' I lose him by 't , � give me your hand , Sir , why d' ye loyter so , � You know I hate to have ye out of my sight ; and yet you are still so backward .

Darew .

Fond , by this light , and blames him for his Loitering .

L. Bum.

She is not bewitch'd sure , is she .

Solon .

O Lord ! I vow and swear , Madam , I could outrun the swift win�'d Racers of the Sky , as the Book says , to keep you Company , well , I vow th�t's a curious thought , as a Man may say .

Darew .

I shall have no patience , � Come Madam , what d' ye mean ? the Man of God stays yonder according to your Order .

Beren .

Oh , thank ye good Captain ; I had forgot I vow .

L. Bum.

Oh , she 's coming to her self again , I see .

Beren .

Sir you are extremely oblig'd to the Captain here , for his good will , fearing that I should keep your passion off too lo�g , he has provided here a Chaplain for ye � Come , Sir , I 'm ready . To Solon .

Darew .

Death and Furies ! a Chaplain for him .

Solon .

I Vow and Swear he 's the Civillest person that ever I met in my Life , as a Man may say .

Darew .

Nay then , Rage shall take place ; Scoundrel avaunt , and d' ye hear , Madam , do me Justice instantly , and come and let the Parson do his Duty , or may I live branded with the name of Villain , if here I throw not off all rules of Decency , Manners , Respect , an� Duty for your person , and carve out instantly my worst Revenge in the Hearts blood of that ridiculous Monster .

Beren .

Why come then ; Lord ! what need you be in such a passion ? If I must be yours , I must be yours , � and there 's an end on 't : � God buy Solon , you see there 's no help sor't , � Betty stay here , and ba�ter him as I instructed thee , � aside to Pimpwell . Exeunt .

L. Bum.

I was plaguily afraid the freakish Jipsey would have made me lose my hundred Guineas .

Sol�n .

A plague on 't , what doings are here ? Now foreward then backward ; then this way , and then t'other way ; now Chuck under the Chin , and next minute spet in ones Face ; why this is the very Devil , as a Man may say .

Pimp .

Oh , Sir , don't trouble your self � this is only a trick upon the Captain ; go presently and dress your self for the Masquerade , and then rely upon me ; I 'll give ye an account of her Habit , and you shall steal her off and Marry her in spite of him .

Solon .

Why then , I vow and swear , that will be mighty neatly contriv'd ; and I shall have something in the bottom of my Pocket for thee too , Sweet-heart , � and if I can but steal her away as thou say'st , I care not if I go to Loggerheads with the blustering Captain every hour of the Day , as a Man may say .

SCENE . III. Enter Sir Lawrence and Bias in Masquerade ; Sir Lawrence dress'd like an Old Woman . Sir Law.

If I am not asham'd of my self ; there is no Wisdom in Age and Experience ; for an Old Man as I am , whose dress should be grave and decent , and whose Actions should be consequent to his Gravity , to come a Masquerading , Equipt thus egregiously : ah 't is Foppish and Vile : � But then again , 't is true , I 'm a Courtier , and the Fop is the less seen in me .

Bias.

For my part I ne'er trouble my head about that , I 'm no more a Fop now than I us'd to be .

Sir Law.

Ah Boy , 't is for thy sake that I Expose my self thus ; the Widow has receiv'd her Fortune again , I hear , and therefore we must turn the humour . Well Boy ! but what Answer did she make thee this Morning .

Bias.

Gad she was in the rarest humour that ever I saw her in my Life , faith ; she has appointed the hour , told me her Disguise , and I 'm to steal her away to night n Masquerade .

Sir Lawr.

Why , Blessing on her Heart , � and my Opinion of her is mightily chang'd since yesterday � go go away Boy and watch her Motions � my Son. � Exit Bias. Solon will be provided for to night too , why , here will be such an hour of Coupling , gad , I believe the Stars themselves will be all in Conjunction , and I 'm glad on 't at my heart faith , � how now , who comes here � oh , I see the Humor holds general , there are more Fools abroad than my self .

Enter Callow and Margery in Masquerade . Callow .

So , My Dear , uow thou' rt mine by Law , the Parson has done his part � and I think I 've done mine a little , � and faith to get up the Chimney to come out to me , was a very odd contrivance , that 's the Truth .

Marger .

What d' ye think a Maid of my Age can't contrive to come out to her Man , when she hath a mind to be Married , I 'd have broke thown the Wall but I 'd have come to thee ; if thwere only to spite my Father , I 'll tea�h him to lock me up .

Sir Lawr.

That lisping Fool puts me in mind of my Peggy , that I have lock'd up at home . �

Callow .

Ay ay , now I have thee fast , let the old Heteroclite fret himself into a Consumption , if he will , � but see , here 's some of the Masquers come already .

Marg.

Oh Lord , that 's an old Woman , I 'll go speak to her , � How �ow Grannum � What make you here , hah ?

Sir Lawr.

I come a fooling as you do � What have you stole out from your Father's house , through the Chimney , say ye ?

Marg.

Yeth that I have , and have Married without hith leave , becauth I sound my self capable .

Sir Lawr.

Indeed , � What! and you are the happy Bridegroom , are ye Friend ?

Callow .

Instead of a better , Grannum , you will get little or nothing by us this time , we can bring our selves together without ye , we shall have no ocasion for a Bawd , Rot me .

Sir Lawr.

This must be the Rakehelly Lieutenant , I know him bp his Rot me .

Callow .

But if you have a mind to try , how you can move your old Bones , and will Dance at our Wedding , you must come away quickly , for we are just going to begi� .

Marg.

Ay ay , old Drybouth � we are Jutht going to begin , ha ha ha Exeunt .

Sir Lawr.

She has got my young Jades Tone exactly , by the Parliament I don't know what to think on 't � if these young Queans can climb up Chimnies to get to their Fellows , what a plague signifies Locks to our doors , � I 'll go afer 'em and be resolv�d , for my Heart misgives me damnably . � Exit .

Enter L. Subtle , Sir Philip , and Lovewell in Masquerade . L. Subtle .

Base �aithless wretch , hast thou deceiv'd me then .

L. Lovew .

'T is in vain to rail , Madam , Sir Philip has done me right , and you must excuse me for frustrating your hopes upon so good an occasion ; if we have wrong'd ye , you know the Law is open .

Sir Phil.

Ha ha ha � Here they are faith , � here 's t�e glittering Damnation � come into my Clutches agen Widow . Shews the Iewels .

L. Subtle .

And I hope she 'll make thee pay for 'em , � and since merely to abuse me thou hast Married � for still I know thou hatest it ; May Discord , Jealousie , hated Barrenness , with all the Curses of the Marriage-State , be thy perpetual Plague .

Sir Phil. Ay so it shall when I come into 't , � aside . thi� Crochet will do well upon my Hat , Widow , � L. Sub�le .

Out of my sight , or I shall Stab ye both .

Sir Phil.

Oh , nay , if you are so desperate , farewel t' ye , � come Lovewell , let 's go and peruse our Writings . Exit .

Lovew .

Fie , fie , this Rage is ridiculous � what is done , is done , and tho' I cannot wrong my sel� , nor part with my dear Philip , nor his Fortune , yet if you 'll follow my Advice , Madam , and Marry , I 'll help ye to a Fool and Fifteen hundred a year , if that will make amends , nay , never boggle at it . � Keep up good Humor , let the Dance begin , and ere an hour is ended , he 's your own .

L. Subtle .

Thou art a very Devil , and thou canst do any thing , there 's no remedy , I see I must take what thou wilt give me , lead on . Exeunt .

Enter Darewell . Darew .

So , with much ado , she 's mine at last , tho' I was damnably afraid at first , all the time the Service was saying , that she would have plaid some freak or other with the Parson , � but , as it happens , she was more tame than I expected � well , Heaven send me good luck � I 'm sure I 've took pains enough about her .

Enter L. Brainless . L. Brain .

Who 's that , Darewell ?

Darew .

The same , my Lord , What is not the Dance begun yet ?

L. Brain .

Begun , what , without me , Fool , � they may as well begin without the Fiddles � I have kept 'em a li�tle too long , 't is true , but what dost think I 've been employ'd about ?

Darew .

Nay , some mighty Affair , without doubt .

L. Brain .

The greatest in the World , the Devil take me , � thou art my Friend , I dare trust thee , hark in thy Ear , � I 'm just now Married .

Darew .

Married , my Lord , why hark in your Ear then , So am I , this shall be call'd the Marriage Masquerade , for I know of two Couple more , but to whom good my Lord.

L. Brain .

Why � to dear Pupsey � I have been horribly in love with her a great while , thou know'�t she 's an extreme witty person , and they say , a great Fortune .

Darew .

She has been a High Flyer indeed my Lord , and to my knowledge , kept company with Crown'd Heads , but not worth a Groat , by Heaven . aside .

L. Brain .

She 's yonder amongst the Masquers , come Tarr , I believe thou' rt but a wooden Dancer , � Observe me and it may do thee a kindness .

Musick strikes . Enter Sir Philip , Sir Lawrence , Callow , L. Bum. Lovewell , B�renice , Solon , Bias , Margery , Comode , Pimpwell , �andy , La Pupsey , L. Hockley in Masquerade ; Pupsey carries her Lap-dog in Masquerade too .
SONG in Two Parts . AS soon as the Chaos was turn'd into Form , And the first Race of Men knew a good from a harm , They quickly did joyn , In a Knowledge Divine , That the chiefest of Blessings were Women and Wine ; Since when by example Improving Delights , Wine Governs our Days , Love and Beauty our Nights . Then Love on and Drink , 'T is a Folly to think Of a Mystery out of our reaches � Be Moral in Thought To be Merry's no Fault , Thô an Elder the contrary Preaches . For never , my Friends , was an Age of more Vice , Than when Knaves would seem Pious , and Fools would seem Wise.
La Pup .

Well , I swear your Lordship Dances like a little God.

L. Brain .

And thou like a Goddess , my dear charming Heavenly � ah Pox , there 's no body else here can move a Leg , � yet saith the Masquerade is extravagant enough , � here 's no body but Darewell , that I can guess at in the whole company � ha ha ha , I wonder who that bulky thing is .

La Pupsey .

That must be my Lady Bumfiddle by her Obessity .

L. Brain .

Her Obessity , What a Plague's that ? � her Belly , � I see I must pick up my old scraps of Learning agen , my Spouse will over-run me else most damnably , but my Dear , prithee where 's Monsieur Le Chien .

La Pupsey .

Oh my dear Dony , I had almost forgot him , I beg your Patience my Lord � I 'll fetch him , and wait on ye agen immediately � Exit .

Lovew .

to Sir Phil. ] So , by this time , Hymen has been Sacrific'd to sufficiently , no less than �ix Couple have lovingly paid their Devotion to his Altar , I 'm sure .

Sir Phil.

Six Couple , why their off-spring well begot , in Twenty years time , may be enough to Man a Fleet � poor fool , there wants one Couple of the Six thô � to my knowledge � aside .

L. Bum.

The Devil take these Prolix doings , I begin to be very hungry .

B�ren .

That 's my Lady Bumfiddle , I wonder what she does for her Bumper all this while .

Darew .

She has been putting me in mind of Supper three times within this half Hour .

Beren .

If you were to ch�se � what you lik'd , which would you have of all these ?

L. Bum.

There 's nothing worth having here , but there 's a Westphali� Ham and Pigeons in the next room , I 'd chuse that if I might .

L. Hock .

This is somewhat rude La Pupsey , to your Betters , I must tell y�u that . Lady Pupsey justless Lady Hockley .

L. Pupsey ,

my Betters , poor Creature , prithee my Lord tell her who I a� , whilst I walk by and smile .

L. Brain .

Madam , your Fault springs from your Ignora�ce , but hence�orth remember this Lady is my Wife , Dammy .

L. Hock .

Why then , with my Lady's pardon , � I hope she 'll thank me , at lea�t , for all the old Gowns I 've given her � for thô she be your Wife now my Lord , she was lately Retainer to our Caball , and formerly a Player . �

L. Pupsey .

The Devil was in me to provoke her , all will out now I see , there 's �o remedy . � aside .

L. Brain .

A Player , ha ha ha , why now you Rave , Madam , � Darewell , thou canst witness the contrary of that , thou toldst me her Breeding was such , that she has been familiar with Kings and Queens .

Darew �

Ay my Lord in the Play-house , I told ye she was a High Flyer too , that is , I have seen her upon a Machine in the Tempest .

L. Brain .

In the Tempest , why then I suppose I may seek her fortune in the inchanted Island , what a plague you have trick'd me then Fubbs , have ye ?

L. Pupsey .

Trick'd ye my Lord , that 's a phrase I confess I understand not yet , but if you design to be Acid , I can have patience thô you are never so Acrilogical , 't is all one to me , 't is the same thing in the Greek � Enter Van Grinn .

L. Brain .

Greek , the Devil � take all Learning , I say , ' dsdeath are these the joys of Marriage ?

Van Grin .

The Joys of Marriage , ha ha ha ha , a very good Jest , faith ; I have most share in that , I 'm sure . Where is this Sir Philip , now let him produce himself , that I may laugh at him immoderately , ha ha ha ha , for I have Married the Widow and wip'd his Nose , Faith and Troth , ha ha ha .

Sir Phil.

Thou hast got indeed the Shell of the Widow , but her Kernel , the Writings and Jewels are under Lock and Key in my �ustody , ha ha ha ha .

Van Grin .

He 's downright Mad , Faith and Troth , � thou the Jewels , speak Spouse , and consute the silly Knight �

L. Subtle .

Why , the Truth is , Sir , he has got the Writings and Jewels agen ; but now I have got you with an Estate , Sir , we 'll swinge him off a� Law.

Van Grin .

Law ! � nay , if you talk of Law already , I 've catch'd a Tartar �aith and Troth .

Sir Lawr.

Sure my Eyes don't dazle � What can be the meaning of this ?

Bias.

What a Plague , is the Widow split in two then ? for I have one half of her here .

Comode .

Not half a Widow , but a whole Maid at your Service , Sir. �

Lovew .

Oh! Mrs. Comode , I wish ye much Joy. �

Sir Lawr.

Why , this is Witchcraft , by the Parliament , now I 'm serious .

Bias.

What a pox have I got , the Widows Bed-warmer , and instead of 70000 Ducats , the lawful Inheritrix to 7 pair o� worn-out Lac'd Shooes , and a Dozen of old Combs ; go Troop Troop , my Brother Solon will laugh me to death , � he has got a �ine Lady and a Fortune . Pushes Comode away .

Darew ,

Not the Lady you mean I can assure ye Sir , as this can witness , I have laid her aboard my self . � Discovers Berenice .

Solon .

Why then , as I hope to be sav'd , I can't tell what to make of all this , I was to take her away in this disguise , and now he has got her , and if I han't Married her , I 'll take my Oath on 't I've Married the Devil in her shape , as a Man may say .

Pimpw.

You have Married one , Sir , that has had a tender care for your Person a long time , I assure ye � Discovers her self .

Sir Phil.

Ha ha ha � Here 's Matrimony like Grapes in Clusters , Faith � I 'm glad I 've ' scap'd squeezing . aside .

Beren .

Oh Betty , I wish thee good luck , take care and make a good Wife , d' ye hear ?

Solon .

You have neither good Bubbies nor a good Face , � therefore Troop Troop , as my Brother Bias says . Pushes Pimpwel away .

Comode .

Well Sir , the Law will give us Allie Money , and that 's all we care for �

Sir Lawr.

My two Sons Married to two Chamber-maids � and by a Trick , � nay then , there seldom comes two Mischiefs but there 's a Third , � by your leave Mistress � I believe you and I have some intimacy � Vnmasques Margery .

Marg.

Well well , what care I , heerth my Huthband � And y' are an old fribling , fulsome , foolish , feeble , fumbling fornicating Fellow , for all y 're my Fa�her , to lock up me , tho ye are .

Sir Lawr.

Ay , i knew 't was she � here 's your coy , skittish Quean for ye , � they 're all so , they Sneak and Prim in publick , as if Butter would not melt in their Mouths , but they are very Devils in a corner .

Callow .

Well well , Sir , pay her her Six thousand pounds � and then Rail as much as you think good , Rot me .

Sir Lawr.

D' ye hear Friend , you know y' are a Coward , and I know y' are Cashier'd , and therefore if you get one �arthing of her Fortune , why then � Rot me .

Sir Phil.

He 's in the right Callow � your business is done at Court , I told ye what would come of your herding with the Factious Party .

Darew .

Why now , one may walk Horses , and t'other may Spin , a very hopeful Match indeed .

L. Bum.

There never comes better luck when the Blockheads don't Consult me , I have always observ'd it as I 'm a Protestant .

Callow .

'T is very hard they should pick out only me , there are more Officers in the Regiment , and some , �hat to my Knowledge , how faïr soever they carry it , are as Factious as my self , Burn me .

Lovew .

And by degrees will be all glean'd out I hope , � A R�t in an Army is a dangerous thing � but Sir Lawrence , Have your new Affairs intirely taken up your Memory , that you forget your Servant Lovewell . �

Sir Law.

Lovewell , I 'm amaz'd , why thou look'st like a very Woman .

Lovew .

And as very a Woman I am , old Knight , as ever you knew in your life , that has , to right former Injuries , and help the Marriage-hater here to a good Wife , that may be the occasion of his Salvation hereafter , liv'd thus long in disguise in your Family , and instead of Brother to your Friends Daughter Phaebe , that was debauch'd , you here behold the very Phaebe her self , Sir.

Sir Law.

H� day ! why this is an hour of Wonders .

L. Bum.

The Marriage-Hater Catch'd at last , ha , ha , ha .

L. Hock .

The Marriage-Hater Catch'd at last , ha , ha , ha .

Sir. Phil.

Hold , hold , good Ladies , � pray let me Explain my self a little , lest your Extravagant Mirth should not hold out well to the end ; 't is true my Dear , as thou say'st , I am Married .

Lov� .

Ay , Child , I know it ; and thou hast made me the happiest Creature breathing .

Sir Phil.

With all my Heart ; would I could marry fifty a day at the same rate , for such a Fortune , � Buffle , come Sirrah , off with your Disguise ; Look ye , Child , � resolving not to let any Female Wit ever have the better of me � I have over-reach'd thee with another trick , faith , and a� Married by my Valet de Chambre ; so that , instead of dull , drowzy Wedlock , I am just in the Predicament as I was before , ha , ha , ha , ha , � Turns back on the sudden , and finds Thum. instead of Buffle .

How now ! What a Devil art thou . �

Thum.

A Mini�ter of the Word � and shall please thee .

Sir Phil.

A Minister ; what a plague have I to do with a Minister ? � where 's Buffle ?

Thum.

He is at the Door there ; he did desire me to do for thee this good office .

Sir Phil.

Peace Hell-hound , Screech-Owl , Black-Coat , Slave , � by the Fu�ies I 'm caught in my own Snare . � aside . Enter Buffle .

How now , Rogue ; what mistake is this ?

Buffle .

I desire thou wilt not be angry , I have done all for thy good indeed .

Sir Phil.

Ah sordid Villain , I 'll Murder thee � Pulls Buffle by the Ears and Cuf�s him .

Darew .

Oh , prithee , Sir Philip , � no Passion now ; let 's hear what the Fellow says .

Buffle .

Why , what is there occasion for all this broken Face now ; have ee not done all �hings for the besht , indeed ; � thou didst deseer me to learn the way of the Marriage , for thee ; and by Chr�esht ee did learn and learn , and ee did forget again indeed ; � and then for fear that I should mistake ee did desee� my Brother , who is in Orders , and whose Trade it is � instead of my shelf , to do it well for thee ; and vare is the harm of this .

Sir Phil.

Hell and the Devil ! Oh Ignorant Dog ; that I could but get at that Nose of thine .

Love.

Go , go , get ye both gone ; and here 's twenty Guineas to Cure your Face , Friend ; away I say , � Exeunt Buffle and Thummim .

' Slife how near had I been lost again ; this is the luckiest turn that ever happen'd .

L. Brain .

Faith , Freewit , thou' rt snapt too , � thou' rt in our Row now , in spite on thee , I 'm glad he has married his Wench , that he mayn't laugh at me for my bargain there , � for the Devil take me , if I don't begin to be asham'd of her already . aside .

Sir Law.

Well , �or my part , since Chance must rul� the Roast in spite of all Endeavours , I 'll be a fond doting Fool no longer , � Let my Son Bias be Pox'd if he pleases ; my hopeful Son Solon hang hims�lf in his hopeful Wifes Garters , and let my Daughter turn Doll Common to the Army : � I 'll please my self as long as I can by the Parliament ; keep a good Table to get me Reputation ; drink the King's Health to shew my Loyalty � keep a good Horse in my Stable , and a hand�ome Wench for my House-keeper , and there 's the res���tion of an old Courtier ; now I 'm serious in good Earnest .

Bi�s .

Say ye so old Dew-beater ; why then I 'll do like all those Sons whose Fathers are� as you have been , � Spend all I can in your Life time ; Drink Bumpers to your good passage , when I hear you are dying ; and forget ye before ye are buried .

Solon .

I 'm sure 't is you have been the occasion of my miscarriage ; for you would have me Marry , tho' I was no more fit for a Wife , �han a Cow is for a Saddle , as a Man may say .

Beren .

Come Sister , what grown dull with your new Fortune ? You may be glad it happens so well ; Come , come , be merry for shame , and Cheer up your Husband there , I swear he 's down in the Mouth �

L. Subtle .

And will be worse down , I believe , before I 've done with him . � Why , it seems he had the Impudence to expect a Fortune with me ; 't is a Proverb indeed ; �hat often by Chance , Fools may have Fortune ; � but that a Widow ever gave a Fortune to a Fool , is a President yet to make , at least till she was come to her time of dotage : � Come , come , Laugh , Sir , Laugh .

Van Grin .

This is the only thing in the World that I can't Laugh at , Faith and Troth ; First , to Marry one that cares not if I were hang'd ; and then to be frustrated of her Fortune , which is the only thing a Widow is good for ; one too that has the Impudence to ��ll me Fool the first minute of our Marriage , and without doubt will make me a Cuckold the next ; t' has quite balk'd me ; I could not Laugh if I might get a thousand pounds by 't , � I could rather weep , faith and troth , � makes Grimaces as ready to weep .

Darew .

Ha , ha , ha , ha , � a pox on 't you must strive against Melancholy , Man , � 't is the worst disease for a f�llow of thy Kidney in the World ; besides to begin with it , upon thy Wedding-day , 't is ominous ; for my part I have been venturing too here , but am resolved to be merry , come what will on 't .

Beren .

You shall have no cause to be otherwise , Sir , all my freaks are now ended , they were only to try your humour , Sir , and have all made their Exit with my change of Condition ; I am now as tractable a plain dull silly House-dove , as if I had been in twenty Sea-sights with ye , or had come under your Lee , for as many Years .

L. Brain .

Well! what fortune I shall get by my Marriage , I find is a Riddle , but I am sure to have Rhetorick in abundance , � if slorid words could be sum'd into pounds , I were certain of Ten thousand of 'em in an hours time : � I hope Madam , I may take place of Monsieur L'Chien �oo ; 't is time for our Rivalship to end now .

La Pupsey .

Yes , my Lord , says he , I shall be proud to yield to your Lordship in any thing says he , yet I have had many a sweet Night with my dear says he , Ay my dear Life's-blood so thou hast . � Well! my Lord may be as angry as he pleases � but if I 've a hundred Children by him , I shall ne'er love one of 'em half so well . � apart .

L. Bum.

Why , what a glut of Weddings are here , � and but one Supper to 'em all , this is pittiful Management , as I 'm a Protestant .

L. Hock .

I vow , I could wish , methinks , the Frolick had gone thorough � my Niece and I here , are the only uncoupled in the whole Company .

B�ndy .

Which was neither of our faults , Aunt , I 'm sure .

Darew .

Come , ��r Philip ; Fate is Inevitable , and 't is in vain to resist its decree , for my part I 'll wear my Yoak , if it chance to be a Yoak , with all the Patience imaginable ; � and when the Marriage Courtship is a little over , to Sea again , and Court the Foe in Thunder , � Our Fleet is Royal , Hearts I hope are found too ;

And let our Loyal Union , be well fram'd ; If ever then we are baffled , I 'll be damn'd . Lovew .

And now , Sir , passion being a little over , I hope you 'll own what I have done was just ; and since to help the failures of my Wit , a special Act of Providence befriended me , be pleased to look on me with Eyes of Pity ,

For you might have , Sir , to Indulge your life , A new�r Bride , but not a better Wife . Sir Phil.

Give me thy hand , � I am Convinc'd this moment , that Marriages the Bliss or Plagues of Life , are as thou say'st , all th' Effects of Providence ; and to begin the Reverend Estate Soberly , � first I will Execute Justic� � Therefore , as to you , Madam , � To L. Subtle . what of Sir Solomon's Estate appears your due , shall justly be surrender'd . � My Spouse , and I shall have enough to Eat with , and cooly enjoy our selves like old Acquaintance , that long have fed on the Bak'd meat of Matrimony : And since the Stars , with their propitious Influences , in spite of my Opinionated Wit , have us'd me like a Vermine in a Trap ,

Patient , I 'll Rellish pleasure dearly bought , And Chaw on the same Cheese , with which I 'm caught . Exeunt Omnes .
EPILOGUE . Spoken by La Pupsey , with her Lap-dog in Masquerade . TWo Heads they say are best , I and the Dog Ioyn therefore , to perform the Epilogue : And first , before we excuse what th' Poet Writ , Your humble Conge , Dony , to the Pit. Bows the Dog. Gallants , says he , I must presume to Crave The Privilege that all Young Actors have ; Who tho they often blunder to a Crime , Are certain of your pardon the first time . And tho' I want the Management of Tongue , And have said little , yet you know I've Sung. Ay , so thou hast my dear Felicity : Kisses him . So much for Dony , now the rest for me . I Swear , I quake to think , tho' not intended , How many here may chance to be offended ; Who often when their Lovers can't succeed , Smuggle a Creature of my Dony's breed . For as a Babe of Seven , To imitate the Married Couples Brood , Will play with their resemblance made in Wood , So Infants of Eighteen that want success , To Catch the greater Donys play with less . This amongst others , Gallants , to your view , We now present ye all as humours new ; Without the least r�flection or Abuse : And if you now Impartial Candor use , Then to your Service we shall still apply Your most Obsequious Humble Dog and I.
FINIS .
PROLOGUE . Mr. Monford Enters , meets Mrs. Bracegirdle dressed in Boy 's Cloaths , who seeing her , Endeavours to go back , but he taking hold of her , Speaks : Monf . NAY , Madam , there 's no turning back alone ; Now you are Enter'd , faith you must go on ; And speak the Prologue , you for those are Fam'd , And th' Play 's beginning . Brace . Would the Play were Damn'd : I shall ne'er wish the Poet good Success ; For putting me into this nauseous Dress ; A Dress , which of all other things I hate ; Monf . That 's very strange , faith , since thy L�gs are straight ; For if thou hadst a thousand Lovers here , That very Garb , as thou dost now appear Takes more than any Manto we can buy , Or Wir'd Comode , tho' Cock'd Three Stories high , Brace . I hate this Coat , this Masculine Hat too here , These Breeches , and the other things I wear . Monf . Not all things , Madam , now y' are too severe When the Disguise , no lewdness does expose : Breeches , as Modestly themselves disclose , As Petticoat that reaches to your Toes . Brace . Let all loose Dresses to loose Minds belong , Men , nor their Garbs did e'er my Credit wrong . Monf . That 's much faith having known the Stage so long . Well , we 'll allow your Modesty is Fam'd , Come now , � the Prologue � Brace .

Lord , I 'm so asham'd .

Monf .

A Player , and asham'd , that may be true .

Brace .

You think sure I 'm as impud�nt as you .

Monf . No Child ; you would not do then as you do ; You would not lose a Fortune for a Toy , Nor frown nor blush whene'èr you Act a Boy ; Or speak a Prologue , which you must do now , And to assist you see , I 'll make your Bow. Bows to the Audience . Brace . Well Gentlemen , since then do what I can , Spite of my self , I must appear a Man ; Pray let me beg ye � not to like me less Than when you see me in my Maiden Dress ; And free from ���rous Censure this one day For my sake spare the Poet and the Play. For to speak Truth in its incouragement , There is a Plot , and some good Humor in 't : The Ladies too must needs approve the Matter , Because be punishes the Marriage-hater . And if you bring go�d Humor , you shall laugh , Monf .

Why , that 's well said my Dear , and so let 's off . Excunt .

A Scotch Song in the Third Act. I. BOnny Lad , prithee lay thy Pipe down ; Tho' blith are thy Notes they have now no power : Whilst my Ioy my dear Peggy is gone , And Wedded quite fro me will Love no more . My gud Friends that do ken my grief , With Songs and Stories , a Cure would find : But alas , they can bring no relief , For Peggy still runs in my mind . II. When I Visit the Park or the Play , They âw without Peggy a Desart seem ; She 's before my Eyes aw the Day , And aw the long Night too , she haunts my Dream . Sometime fancying a Heaven of Charms , I wake , and Rob'd of my dear delight , Find she Ligs in anothers Arms : Ah then 't is she kills me outright . III. Take my Counsel aw you that love well ; Bestow Love and Wit on a Girl of Sense : No such Blessing to Peggy befel , 'T was Ignorance caus'd her absurd offence . She could pray with an humble face ; And look as sh� never false could be : But had she own'd either Wit or Grace , She never had Wedded fro me .