HD WIDENER HW R72N M THE WIT AND WISDOM OF SAFED SA GE WILLIAM E BARTON the The Wit and Wisdom of Safed the Sage The Wit and Wisdom of Safed the Sage BY WILLIAM E. BARTON Author of The Parables of Safed the Sage Safed and Keturah THE PILGRIM PRESS BOSTON CHICAGO FOREWORD The constant request of readers who enjoy these little chapters of popular philosophy, good sense and fun as they appear from week to week has led the publishers to issue this book. We are confident that wherever it goes it will not only stimulate the cultivation of Safed's favorite flower, the Holly- hock, and promote the appreciation of good dough- nuts and cherry pie, but will carry the spirit of mirth and wholesome good cheer which have made these parables popular. Many readers have inquired the origin of the name Safed. So far as we know, no man except the author of these Parables bears or has borne that name. He did not wish to choose a name either from the Bible or from the Arabian Nights, and so invented one. The name was not, however, invented wholly out of nothing. There is in Northern Galilee a village called Safed or Sefet, lying north and a little west from the Sea of Galilee, and plainly visible from the traditional site of the Sermon on the Mount, and believed to be the “city set on a hill, which cannot be hid.” The author visited this site some years ago, and the name came to him some- FOREWORD what spontaneously as a convenient one for the character which he has assumed in these chapters. We commend these chapters to all who enjoy either good fun or good sense or both. THE PUBLISHERS. viii INTRODUCTION In these parables the sins and follies of life are intended to be treated with charity, and the simple and sterling qualities that make life worth living are sought to be constantly commended. If now and then these lessons provoke a smile, so much the better. We have been needlessly afraid of the word "parable.” All true teaching is by means of par- ables. We live in a world that would be totally dark but for five narrow windows of sight, hearing, touch, taste and smell. Our emotions and aspira- tions and spiritual perceptions must all be expressed in words which were originally words of the five senses. We have constant need to be told not what the kingdom of heaven is, but what it is like unto. Any homely little incident that gives us a glimpse of spiritual realities is worth to us all that it can be made to express of truth and beauty. The kingdom of heaven is within. The sources of joy in human life lie close about us and inhere in common things. Some of their mean- ings lie plainly on the surface and are immediately available. But there are deeper joys and larger lessons in common experiences if we know how to find them. SAFED. CONTENTS PAGE · . · 3 5 7 9 10 12 15 · . · · · . · . · · . · · . · · · . · . · 24 26 . · · · · · · · · · · · · · THE DOG AND THE LIMITED . . . . . . . . THE MAN FROM JONESVILLE . . . . . . . THE CURVES AND THE TANGENTS . . . . . . THE HIGH Cost OF LIVING . . . . . . . . THE DOUGHNUT . . . . . . . . . . . THE MAN IN THE UPPER BERTH . . . . . . WHEN BUSINESS WAS REALLY GOOD . . . . . THE COFFEE AND THE DOUGHNUT . . . . . HAVING ENOUGH . . . . . . . . . . . THE WOMEN AND THEIR CARFARE . . . . . . THE WINDMILL AND THE PUMP . . . . . . THE NEW RECIPE . . . . . . . . . . . THE GRINDSTONE THAT DULLED THE SCYTHE . . THE Bad Boy . . . THE RIVER AND THE FLOOD . . . . . . . . THE CROSSING-TENDER . . . . . . . . THE BAY RUM . . . . . . . . . . . The COLLECTION OF GENIUSES . . ON BEING INDEPENDENT . . . . . . . . . . THE TIME FOR WEARINESS. . . . THE HOME OF THE SPARROW . . . . . . . CRUMBS AND BUBBLES . . . . . . . . . The BARBER-SHOP . .. . . . . . . . . On Duty Half Done . . . . . . . . . THE CATALOGUE OF FLOWERS . . THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF SEED . . The Easter BONNET . . . . . HOLLYHOCKS I Did Not Plant. . HOLLYHOCKS I TRANSPLANTED . . . PARABLE OF THE SHORE DINNER . . HEAVEN AND THE STEAMBOAT . . . THE RIVER CURRENT . . . . . . . . . . THE FIRST ROBIN . . . . . . . . . . . 30 32 34 · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · 43 45 47 · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · CONTENTS PAGE 68 · · · . . · · . · · . · · . · · . · · · · · . · · . · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · . 92 · · · · · · · · · . · · · · 100 · · · . THE ROBIN AND THE CHERRIES . . . . . . . THE HEIGHT OF THE Sky . . . . . . . . CONCERNING REST . . . . . THE QUICK AND THE DEAD . . . . . . . . THE SCRUB TEAM . . . . THE NEXT TIME . . . . . . . . . . . 79 THE MOVING PICTURES . . . . . . . . . EDEN AND THE SERPENT . . . . . . . . . HOLLYHOCKS AND THE STORM . . . . . . . THE SIGNAL TOWER . . . . . . . . . THE JUNE CHRISTMAS TREE . . . . . . 90 THE CIRCUS PROCESSION . . . THE BUMBLE BEE . . . . . . . . . . 94 The Potato Bug . . . . . THE PULLOON . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 THE BUTTON AND THE PLUS .. THINGS ONE WANTS TO KNOW . . . . . . 103 THE END OF THE WAR . . . . . THE FOUR-CENT BIRTHDAY . . . . . . . . 106 THE NEW SUIT OF CLOTHES . . . . . . . . 108 THE PANAMA HAT . . . . . . . . . . 110 THE RECOIL . . . . . . . . . . . . 112 CONCERNING EXTREMES . . . . . . . . . 114 OUT AND IN . . . . . . . . . . . . 115 MAGNANIMITY . . . . . . . . . . . . 117 THE Two INN KEEPERS . . . . . . . . 120 THE INN AND THE EATING HOUSE . 121 GOLF BALL AND EARTHQUAKE . . . 123 THE LOST AFFECTIONS . . . . . . . 125 SYMPATHY AND HELPFULNESS . . . . . . . 127 THE PIECE CUT OUT OF THE PAPER. THE NEEDS OF GREAT MEN . . . . . . . . . 130 ON GROWING OLD . . . . . . . . . . 132 · · · · · . · · . · · . · · . · . · . · . · · · . · · · . . · . . · . . · . 129 · . The Wit and Wisdom of Safed the Sage THE WIT AND WISDOM and going East, for the Train was toward the West. But as the Train ran on and stopped not, the Dog ran South, and when the Train was going By and not even Hesitating, he Curved so that he ran Southwest and then West. And at the west side of the Farm he fell into a Ditch, and rolled over and over and got up, and shook himself, and stood for a moment and cursed the Train, and then Re- turned Home. . And the Train went on. And a month thereafter I rode on the same Train, and behold, the Same Dog did all the Things that he had done before. And three months thereafter I rode again on the Same Train, and the Same Fool Dog was still Get- ting Experience in the Same Manner, but Learning Nothing Therefrom. . And I saw that he was even like unto some Men, who might be Brayed in a Mortar with a Pestle, yet would not their Folly depart from them. For even as that Dog watcheth daily for that Train, rising every morning and listening for it, and chasing it through the Farm, and Tumbling in the Ditch on the West Line of the Farm, so there are Men who Chase their Follies Continually, and learn Nothing from their Tumbles. And what would the Dog have Done with the Train if he had Caught it? OF SAFED THE SAGE 7 THE CURVES AND THE TANGENTS I rode in the Cab of a Locomotive, and I spake with the man who drave the Engine, and we went at High Speed. And High Speed is one thing from the rear end of the Observation Car, and Quite Another Thing from the Cab of a Locomotive; and it giveth a man the Impression that he is not run- ning a Sewing Machine. And I looked out upon the Track. And I spake unto the Engineer, and I said, Be- hold, how many are the Curves; whereas, the Map which this Company doth print with its Time Table doth shew the Road to be a Straight Line Joining every Great City in America to every other Great City. And he said, That is how it looketh on the map; but to the engineer every railroad is a Double Sys- tem of Curves, the Curves on the Surface and the Curves Up and Down. A railroad curves to get a better approach to a bridge, or to enter a town, or to avoid a swamp or an hill, or to go around the land of some Farmer who tried to sell his land at four prices, so there is a Curve to the right and a Tangent, and then a Curve to the left; and some- times there is a Reverse Curve with no Tangent between, in which case the Passenger doth think Unkind Thoughts of the Engineer without knowing 8 THE WIT AND WISDOM why he is jerked Galley-West. Believe me, the business of running an air ship like this is something more than opening and shutting the Throttle, for there are always the Curves to pull around and see around, and thou dost never know what doth lie in wait around the rim of the Curve, nor how strongly the Train will be tempted to disregard the Curve and survey a new Tangent of its own. And I said, What is the other system of Curves ? And he said, No roadbed is level. Even in a Prairie Country, the roadbed descendeth to a little stream, and ascendeth to a little hill, and then de- scendeth to a larger stream, and ascendeth to a larger hill; and it must all be considered in terms of Coal Consumption, and Steam Pressure, and the Weight of the Train, and the Condition of the Track whether it be Dry or Wet or Frosty. And I said, Thou hast many things to trouble thee that I wot not of. And he said, Passengers mostly think that all an Engineer hath to do is to keep the train between the Fences of the Right of Way, and get in on Time. Behold, they consider not the Curves of either class. For a Railway is not all Tangents. And I considered and said, Thy business is like unto mine. For there be Railroad men who think that I have only to stand in the Pulpit one day in seven, and open my mouth and the Lord will fill it. OF SAFED THE SAGE 9 - Behold, there are Curves as well as Tangents on my Right of Way, yea, Reverse Curves, and some Heavy Grades. And he said, I reckon it is so with every man's business. Though to another man it looketh like a Straight Line surveyed across the Map, yet to him that is on the inside, every business hath not only its Tangents but its Curves. And we took each other by the Right Hand, and we bowed low and said our Salaams, and I bade him Farewell and Departed. And each of us knew that the other man's job was like unto his own. THE HIGH COST OF LIVING Now the word of Keturah came unto me saying, Hie thee unto the shop of the Grocer, and buy thou for me a Pound of Butter, and certain Other Things whereof I have written down a List. So I went unto the shop of the Grocer. And there entered an Husbandman with Money in his Pocket and more in the Bank. And he spake unto the Grocer, and he boasted, and he said, Behold, I have sold my Wheat at the Government Price, and Believe Me, it was Some Price. Yea, and I got Eighty Three for my Oats, and One Twenty Seven for my Corn. And he was Very Proud of what he supposed he had done. OF SAFED THE SAGE II uy. And I said, That is what God used when He made thee. And she took the Dough out of the Bowl, when she had stirred it, and she rolled it with a Rolling- Pin; and she cut it into round cakes. And in the midst of every several cake was there an Hole. And a great Caldron hung above the Fire, and there was Fat therein and it boiled furiously. And Keturah took the round Cakes of Dough, and cast them into the Caldron; and she poked them with a Fork, and she turned them, and when they came forth, behold I knew then what they were. And the smell of them was inviting, and the appear- ance of them was exceeding good. And Keturah gave me one of the Doughnuts, and Believe Me, they were Some Doughnuts. And I said, To what purpose is the Hole? If the Doughnut be so good with a part Punched Out, how much better had it been if the Hole also had been Doughnut! And Keturah answered and said, Thou speakest as a Foolish Man, who is never content with the goodness that is, but always complaineth against God for the lack of the Goodness which he thinketh is not. If there were no Hole in the Doughnut, then were it like unto Ephraim, a cake not turned. For, though the Cake were Fried till the Edges thereof were burnt and hard as thy Philosopher's I2 THE WIT AND WISDOM Stone, yet would there be uncooked Dough in the middle. Yea, thou shouldest then break thy teeth on the outer rim of every Several Doughnut, and the middle part thereof would be Raw Dough. And I meditated much on what Keturah had told me. And I considered the Empty Spaces in Human life; and the Desolation of its Vacancies; and how men's hearts break over its Blank Interstices. And I pondered in my soul whether God doth not know that save for these our lives would be like unto Ephraim. And I spake of these things to Keturah, and she said, My lord, I know not the secret of these mys- teries. Yea, mine own heart acheth over some of the Empty Places. But say unto the sons of men that he who useth not the good things which he hath but complaineth against his God for those he lacketh, is like unto a man who rejecteth a Dough- nut because he Knoweth not the Mystery of the Hole. THE MAN IN THE UPPER BERTH There was a day when I took a journey, and I rode in a Car of Juggernaut, even a Sleeping Car. And I had bought my railway Ticket and my Pull- man Ticket, and paid the War Tax. And I had a Lower Berth, and was content. OF SAFED THE SAGE 13 And there came into the Car a Passenger who had a Ticket for an Upper Berth. And he was wroth. And he Spake much concerning it, so that all that were in the Car heard what he said. And he spake saying: I'd like to know what kind of a One Horse Road this is that can't put on Cars enough to give its Patrons Decent Service. For I have never slept before in an Upper Berth, and I like it not. Now, the man who hath never slept in an Upper Berth hath not slept many times in a Lower Berth. And I looked at the Passenger, and I suspected that it was from Motives of Economy he had taken the Upper Berth, and that if he had bought a Lower Berth he would have gone Without Breakfast. Wherefore I let him talk till he had told all who were in the car how sad he was at having to sleep in an Upper Berth. And I said to him: I have a ticket for a Lower Berth, and it cost me One Dollar more than an Upper Berth, and the War Tax is another Dime. I will Exchange Berths with thee, and thou mayest give to me a Dollar and Ten Cents. And he began with shame to Side Step mine offer. And he said, I could not think of accepting a Favor at the expense of thy Comfort. And I said, I shall be Comfortable in the Upper 14 THE WIT AND WISDOM Berth, and the more so for the Comfort thou art to have in the Lower One. And I called to the Ethiopian who accompanied that Chariot, and I said, Move my things to Upper Seven, and give this man Lower Six; and come thou with thy Fire Escape, and I will go up. But the Passenger began to Sweat, so that Cold Drops stood on his Forehead, and he said, I thank thee just as much, but I am Running a Little Short on my Expense Account; and if it is all the same to thee, I will Go Up Stairs and save my Dollar Ten. And I said, Peace go with thee. And the other Passengers began to Snigger. And he went Up Very Soon, and was glad to go. And one of the Other Passengers came nigh unto me, and he Laughed, and said, Thou didst Sure Get His Number. And I said, The man who hath Little at home is the man who Kicketh when he goeth abroad. And he who Complaineth Loudly at the Small Discom- forts of Travel is he who is Getting all he is paying for, and more than he can afford. And he said, I had not thought of it on this wise, but I verily believe thou art right. OF SAFED THE SAGE 15 WCSS! WHEN BUSINESS WAS REALLY GOOD I have a friend who is a Manufacturer. And I met him on a Certain Day, and I said, How doth it fare with thee in thy Business ? And he answered and said, I have more Business than I can do. Men Stand in Line to give me or- ders, and ask no Questions about Price. And I said, Thou oughtest to be an Happy Man, but thou wearest a Look of Care. And he said, This thing of getting orders Too Easily is not What it, is Cracked Up to be. I De- sire again the Good Old Days when Business was Business. And I said, Tell me more about it. And he said, There be many things about it that I like not. One thing is this, that it hath Disor- ganized my Selling Force so that not in Ten Years shall I have it back in its old time Efficiency. There was a time when my Traveling men Covered the Land from Dan to Beersheba and from Boston to Denver, and they were known in every Whole- sale House in the Land. They laughed at Fatigue, and at Competition did they Mock. They taught reluctant buyers to Eat out of Our Hand, and they Practiced the Painless Extraction of Orders from Merchants till their Salesmanship became a Fine Art. Now do those same Traveling Men sit in 16 THE WIT AND WISDOM _ _ _ _ __ _ _ mine office with their feet on their desks, and treat Insolently the same Merchants who come in to Plead with them for Goods. It is Not Good for a Salesman nor for a Business that it should be on this wise. Therefore do I desire the good old days when Business was Business, when we knew we had the Goods and Had to Get Rid of them, and our Sales- men had to Get Up and Dust or Get off the Payroll. And I meditated much of these things. And I said, I am well persuaded that the Good God knew that it was not well for men to Achieve Success Too Easily. Therefore will I the more Patiently Per- form my Part in the Struggle of Life. For God hath put us in a world where he who achieveth Success must Go Out on the Road and Do Business. THE COFFEE AND THE DOUGHNUT Keturah saved a Little Mess of Fat without pro- faning any of the ordinances of Mr. Hoover, and she made Doughnuts. And she gave them to me at Breakfast, and she said, Make much of them, for I know not when there will be more. And I said, Unto him that hath for his Breakfast Coffee and Sinkers, sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. And as I was eating of the Doughnuts, Keturah 18 THE WIT AND WISDOM an Hole. Wherefore, be glad that thy husband hath the saving merit of a few small faults. And she said, My lord, I took thee for better and for worse. If then, thou must dip thy Doughnut in thy Coffee, I will make the best of it. HAVING ENOUGH There spake to me a man who said, My income is not enough. And I said, Thou art a Fortunate Man. And he said, Why dost thou say so? And I said, Because thou hast the choice either of Earning More or Spending Less; and when there be two ways of solving a problem, a man is For- tunate. Whereas I know a Poor Man who Owneth a Railroad and Earnestly Coveth Another; he is Poor, for he cannot get it. And he said, When I was a lad, I drove my father's cow to an Hired Pasture, for we lived in a Little Town. And other men in the same town be- sought me to drive their cows, and they gave me every one of them Ten Cents a Week; and their Cows were Five. And I thought How Happy I should be if there were Ten Cows and I could earn Every Week an Whole Dollar. And when I be- came older, of about the age of Fourteen, then did I hire myself in the springtime to a Farmer to Plant 20 THE WIT AND WISDOM And I said, The Holy Scriptures call down a Blessing on the man who Considereth the Poor; I will bless also the man who, however Poor he is, Considereth himself Rich. For thou wast Rich when thou dravest cows to Pasture, and hast been rich ever since if thy Mind hath been at peace with God and man and thou hast had enough to pay thine Honest Debts. And I spake to him this proverb of the men of Arabia, Who is richer, he that hath a Million Dol- lars or he that hath Seven Daughters? And he said, Tell me the answer. And I said, The man who hath Seven Daughters is the Richer; for he hath enough, and knoweth it. THE WOMEN AND THEIR CARFARE There runneth through the City wherein I reside, a System of Trolley Cars, and there be those wherein one shall Pay as he Entereth, and some there be of the Other Kind. And I was riding in one of the Other Kind. And over against where I sat were Two Women. And as they entered, they began both of them Diving deep, each one of them into her Bag, to find her Purse, or to Appear to be Trying to find it. And as they Dove, each into her own Bag, thus they spake one to another, saying, Let me pay, I pray 22 THE WIT AND WISDOM And when I had gone to mine own house, I told this Event unto Keturah. And Keturah said, Wherefore shouldest thou de- light in beholding the follies of women? Have men no follies ? And I held my peace. THE WINDMILL AND THE PUMP I have a friend who is an Husbandman, and I visited him upon his Farm, and tarried with him one night. And upon his Farm are Cattle and Swine and Horses. And he watereth them from a Deep Well wherein is a Pump, and the Pump runneth by a Windmill. And it came to pass after Supper that he spake unto a Swede that labored upon the farm, and he said, Ole, there is a Good Breeze tonight; start thou the Windmill. And the Swede went forth into the Night, and loosened a Rod that runneth up to the Mill, and that holdeth the Tail against the Wheel so that the Wind driveth it not. But when the Rod is loosened, then the Tail swingeth around, and the Wheel cometh into the Wind, and the Wheel turneth to Beat the Band. And ere the Swede had returned to the house, we heard the Wheel running, and my friend OF SAFED THE SAGE 23 said, On the morrow we shall have a Tank full of Water for the Livestock. Now the room where I slept was on the side of the house toward the Windmill, and when I wakened in the night, it was Running like the Wind, and I said, Verily it will pump the well dry at that rate. But when we went out in the morning, behold, there was no water. For the Pump had been Dis- connected from the Mill, and the Swede saw not in the Darkness that the Connecting Pin was out; wherefore he connected it not. And the mill had run all night and the Tank was empty. Now when I beheld this, I thought of many men whom I know, whose Windmill goeth around con- tinually, and who are always Creaking their Boots to show that they are Among Those Present, and who talk long and earnestly about Earnestness and Efficiency and the Rest, but it Cutteth no Ice, and it Draweth no Water. Now these be good men, whose minds are Responsive to the Winds of God, and their Capacity for doing something is as Excellent as that of the Pump, but between the Wheels that God driveth and the Pump of their own endeavor, there lacketh an adjustment. And I have often wondered how it should be that in the mechanism of some good men there would seem to have been evidenced the blunder of some 24 THE WIT AND WISDOM Sleepy Swede, fumbling in the dark, and putting the Wheel in Gear, but failing to connect the Pump. And this is the word that I spake in the ears of men, Count it not a sure sign of efficiency that the Wheel goeth round and the Pump is in order; be thou sure the Wheels of thy Head are hitched to the Pump of thy Performance. THE NEW RECIPE There was a morning when I rose from my bed, and looked at the sunrise, and thanked God that I was alive, even as I do each day. And I descended and came down, and ate my breakfast. And behold upon the table there were Doughnuts. Now if there be Doughnuts, I eat of them, but they minish not in any wise the other things that I eat, for I eat of them last. And I said unto Keturah, Hast thou bought Sinkers from the Market? For I had not smelled the cooking of them. And she said, I have not; for I value my peace of mind and the good will of my husband. I made these. Yea, and I made them by a New Recipe. And I said, Wherefore wilt thou try New Recipes when already thy Doughnuts are perfect? And she said, It is not thus that thou dost preach, OF SAFED THE SAGE 25 for thou dost ever exhort men to do better and better. And I said, Thine aspiration to have things better and better is thine only fault. Thou dost even try to have it so with thy Husband. And she said, Yea, and thus far I have done very well in the matter of his improvement. So I ate of the Doughnuts, and I said, Behold, these are just like all of thy Doughnuts. And she said, I am glad that thou dost think so. For they are so made that they absorb less Fat; therefore are they the more Wholesome. And I said, Go not too far with me in that Wholesome stunt; I do not want things too Whole- some; I can digest anything save it be Health Foods. And she said, My lord, when I try a New Recipe, thus do I try it. I consider all the things that I have been wont to use that I know are good, and if I find in the New Recipe some other good thing, that also do I put in. And I said, Keturah, thou hast the finest idea of Progress to be found in any cook on earth. For thou goest ahead, but thou playest not far from thy Base. And I said, If all reformers would learn of thee, then would the Millennium come sooner. som 26 THE WIT AND WISDOM And she said, I am glad that thou dost like the new Doughnuts. And I verily did like them. For they had one ingredient that changeth not, and that is Keturah. For, believe me, her Doughnuts are Some Doughnuts. GRINDSTONE AND SCYTHE There came to me one of the sons of the prophets. And I bade him enter, and he came in and made obeisance and sat down. And he said unto me, I have need of thy wisdom. For I minister to a Little Congregation, and behold they are Stiff- necked and Hard of Heart. And albeit I preach to them Faithfully, yet do they not heed. Yea, and the more earnestly I preach, the fewer of them come to hear me. And his heart was hot and sore, and I looked on him and mine heart was sad for him. And I asked him what he had been preaching about, and what were the duties that he had been exhorting his people to attain unto. And I discovered that he had an Hobby, which he rode incessantly, so that in nearly every Sermon he did mount it and make at least one circle round the ring. And it did not happen to be the Hobby of his people. Nay, it was of such a nature that OF SAFED THE SAGE 29 and he Learneth not his Lessons, and when I re- prove him he laugheth, and saith, I Should Worry. Tell me, O Safed, what shall I do? And I said, Worry not. And she said, I cannot help it. Was there ever such a boy? And I said, George Washington, when he was fourteen, did not always wash himself behind his ears. And Julius Cæsar when he was fourteen was not always reverent in Sunday School. And Wil- liam Shakespeare when he was fourteen got excused from his work to attend the funeral of his grand- mother, and on that day watched a ball-game. And Simon Peter when he was fourteen was one day absent from school on account of Serious Illness, but recovered sufficiently to watch the bobbing of a cork upon the water of a little creek what runneth into the Sea of Galilee hard by Capernaum. And she said, Do the books tell of that? And I said, Nay, but I know that it is so, for I know boys. And she said, O Safed, it doeth me great good to hear thee; and it restoreth my faith in my boy. And she rose to go. But she turned back, and she said, O Safed, when thou wast fourteen, what kind of a boy wast thou? And I said, If I tell thee that I was a Model thou 30 THE WIT AND WISDOM wilt be sorry to think I was not like other boys; and if I tell thee that I was like other boys thou wilt think I was not a Model. But if I tell thee not, then canst thou have the joy of thinking either of those things or both. So I bade her Salaam, and she went out. And it was Lucky for me that she did not ask Keturah. THE RIVER AND THE FLOOD I have a friend who dwelleth in a City that is builded beside a Great River, even the Ohio. And there are times when the Bottom of that River get- teth upon the Top so that the Boats have Hard Work not to Puncture their Tires. But there are other times when the River Riseth as Jordan over- floweth all his Banks, and then there is Something Doing. Now I visited my friend as the Winter drew to an end, and the River began to Rise. And the Ice went out in Great Cakes that swam in the Yellow Water, and the Backwaters were in all the Valleys and over the Lowlands, and the Morning Papers told every day that it was Two Feet higher at Pitts- burgh. And I stood beside the stream, and it flowed in a Wide Yellow Flood that no man could turn aside, and when I went away and came again, be- OF SAFED THE SAGE 31 hold it washed the bank at a Higher Level. And the water came into the Street of the Town where I was, and still it rose. And I looked that the men of that city should have showed Fear. But they showed it not. And certain of them whose places of Business were near the Wharfboat spake of the water that was putting out the fires in their Basement, but they Stuck to Business on the Ground Floor, and when the water rose to the Ground Floor, they moved their Papers Upstairs and locked up and Took a Vacation for a few days. And day by day the Water Rose, till they did little Business in that town save the moving of property Upstairs and Waiting. Now I was Anxious, for it seemed as if the River would never Cease Rising. But there came a Morn- ing when the Paper said that the River had fallen Four Inches at Pittsburgh. Now behold it still was rising where we were, and it grew higher all that day and that night, so that the friend whom I visited moved out of his home and took me to the Hotel where he had reserved Rooms for us, and we lodged there. But all men spake cheerfully for they said, Though it rise another foot tonight, and put out the fires in the Hotel and the Printing Office and the Bank, yet tomorrow will it begin to Go Down. And it was even as they said. OF SAFED THE SAGE 33 Job, for I am neither young nor strong; neverthe- less mine is an Hard Job. . And I said, Wherefore should thy Job be Hard ? And he said, Because I save people's lives, and they turn and curse me. And I said, That is strange, for they should love thee. And he said, They come down the Street break- ing the Speed Limit, and Honking for me to Lift the gates; or if they be on Foot they Duck Under. And when I warn them not to cross the Tracks lest they die, they act as if I were their Enemy. And I took him by the Hand, and I said, Thou art my Brother, and my Job is like unto thine. And he said, Not So You Could See It. Art thou not a Minister and a Philosopher? And I answered, I am a Crossing-Tender. Where thou seest Yonder Spire, I tend a Crossing; and I say unto the Wicked, Go not in thine Evil Way, lest thou Die, but they continue to go as they did before. And I say unto the Heedless, Duck not under the Gate, lest evil befall thee; but they Duck as they were wont to do. Now I had on my Best Clothes and the Crossing- Tender had on his Overalls, but we clasped hands, and he knew that we were Brothers. For my lot in life is even as his, and my Job hath the same Trials. OF SAFED THE SAGE 35 and said, If thou must have it Bite, I might have put in Red Pepper. And I said, Nay, I care not for the Bite in Itself, but it seemeth to me that the High Cost of Living had Hit the Bay Rum Industry, so that the New Brand hath come from Lake Michigan. And I said, Mildness is All Right in Its Place. A little mildness now and then is relished by the Best of Men; but if I pay Real Money unto the Barber, I desire that there be some evidence that he giveth me the Real Stuff, and not something out of the Rain Water Barrel. I would rather be hurt with something that is to do Me Good than be mollified by that which shall Harm me or Profit me Nothing So I left the shop of the Barber, and I went to mine House, and I sat me down to prepare Wise Words to speak to the people on the Sabbath. And it was in mine heart to speak unto them in all Gentleness, for I love them, and they are very good to me. But I heard the voice of God saying unto me, Cry aloud, spare not, lift up thy voice like a trumpet, and show my people their transgressions, and this congregation their sins. And I did as God spake unto me, and I called them to repentance and a new life. And they said unto me, Now that was the way to Omig. 36 THE WIT AND WISDOM preach. We desire sermons that have Some Punch in them. And I reflected that they would rather be hurt by that which was to do them good than be pleased with that which would harm them or profit them nothing. THE COLLECTION OF GENIUSES There came to our city a Woman who called often at the house where we abide, and she counted her- self a friend of Keturah. And I asked of Keturah, saying, Is this Susie person married or single? And Keturah answered, Both. And I said, It is just about what I should have expected. And Keturah said, She hath many of the marks of Genius, and she knoweth many persons who are Geniuses. Yea, and she hath invited us to spend an evening with her and meet a Group of her Friends, all of whom are Geniuses in their way. So we went, I and Keturah, and we spent an evening in the Flat of Susie. And she trotted out her Geniuses. And there was a Poetess who wrote Vers Libre so wonderful that it could not be told from Prose. And there was a Musician who played his Violin after a new theory which maintained that Music OF SAFED THE SAGE most kind to me, and I never was so Happy before. Yea, and my lord Safed, I shall miss him for I help him to hoe among the Hollyhocks in the place where we go in the Summer, where the Lake is and the Great Pine Trees. But this man loveth me. Yea, his mother and his sisters have besought him not to marry me, for I am black and comely, but to marry a Yaller Gal instead. And there is no Nigger in these Newnited States worth Seven Dollars a week to me. Yet hath he chosen me in preference to the Yaller Gal, and I have promised to marry him. Now when we heard this, I and Keturah, we wished that his mother and his sisters had let him alone, for then peradventure he had married the Yaller Girl. So Keturah gave the maiden her blessing, and she departed very sorrowful. Then did Keturah go to a place called an In- telligence Office, though I know not why they called it so, and they sent unto her a Long Procession of Maidens. And we suffered many things from many of them and were nothing better but rather worse. And Keturah sat down and mourned for the days when we were first married, when she did her Own Cooking, and when I Split the Wood for the Kitchen Stove. And I meditated much on how our Prosperity 40 THE WIT AND WISDOM had made us Dependent upon Servants and upon the Fragile Comforts of these Less Strenuous Years. Now I have traveled in far lands, even in Egypt and in Arabia, and in the lands that border upon the Great Sea. And in Arabia they have a Proverb which saith: He that hath a Partner hath a Master. So I gave heed and made another proverb like unto it, and I Pasted it Upon the Mirror of Keturah. And the Proverb pertaineth not to women only, but to All who seek to be free from the cares of life by the Possession of Greater Abundance. For it worketh not so. And this is the proverb that I made in the days when the Ethiopian had left us, and we had many Candidates for her place- She that hath a Servant hath a Mistress. For no man can ever be Independently Rich; but a man might perchance be Independently Poor. THE TIME FOR WEARINESS There came to me the Notable Men of the Con- gregation where I serve, and they said unto me, Safed, thou dwellest too far from the Synagogue. Behold, we have prepared for thee an House hard by the Synagogue. Come thou and Keturah and OF SAFED THE SAGE 41 thine Household, and all that thou hast, and dwell in the House that we have prepared for thee. Then were our hearts glad. For we had lived for the space of three years in an Hired House; and for all it had been Comfortable, it had not been Home. And we found it a place of Weeds, and we left it with an Hedge of Hollyhocks round about it. Now there was an Ethiopian maiden in the kitchen of Keturah, and at that time her Sister-in- law's mother fell Sick. And she left us for a Sea- son. And while she was gone, even during the time of the Moving, Keturah hired another Ethiopian, whose name was Lottie. And she was in her stature a Giantess, and in her disposition a Mule. And Keturah was as a Child beside her. And Lottie was Insolent, and Idle; and the more Idle she was per- mitted to be the more Insolent she became. And Keturah stood in fear of her. And the children of Keturah said, Fire her; and let her not have dominion over thee; for she is an Ogress and a Savage. But Keturah said, Not till after the Moving, lest a worse thing befall me. And the days of the moving came. There came likewise the days of the Packing. There came like- wise the days of the Unpacking. And men came and did what they could be hired to do; for the Men of my Congregation are generous men, and they 42 THE WIT AND WISDOM said, Labor not thou nor Keturah, but Hire it Done, and we will pay for it. And we sought to do even as they said, for they are Generous Men. But there was much hard work to be done. And I spake harshly to Lottie, and said, Take thou hold of this box and lift with me. And she said, Yassir. And she lifted. And I said, Go thou to the Basement and bring me hither an Hammer and see that thou hasten. And she said, Yassir. And she went and came again. And the more harshly I spake, the More Meek she became. And I was minded to be harsh with her, for being Insolent to Keturah. And the harder she worked, the more Amiable she got. . And this continued for the space of Two Weeks, till we were settled in the new home. And Lottie was Gentle, and Obedient, and Mighty Useful. And Keturah beheld with great admiration. And it came to pass on the Afternoon of the Sec- ond Saturday, that I spake kindly to Lottie, and I said, Lottie, art thou not Tired ? And she Laughed Loud and Long, and she said, I Nebbah Gits Tard Till I Sets Down. Now when she thus spake I almost loved Lottie. For I have known so many good people who Start 44 THE WIT AND WISDOM of doors on That Kind of a day. And he was sheltered from the Wind and from the Snow. And the Sparrow was nigh unto the Window, so that I might almost have put forth my hand and taken him inside, but he was better off where he was. And the Sparrow saw me, and I saw the Sparrow, and we looked long at each other, and neither of us was afraid of the other. And the Sparrow said within his heart, It is for Me that this building hath been erected, and this Statue lifted high, with this cozy place for a Shelter from the Storm. To this end did Christopher Columbus cross the Ocean, that he might have this Building named for him, and that I might have shelter. Now when the bird spake thus in his heart, and I saw and understood the intent thereof, I did not chide the Sparrow, for I myself have had Just as Little Thoughts of the Providence of God and the Answer of my Prayers as the Sparrow. And while it was all Very Foolish, I am not so sure that it was as Foolish as it would have been to Stay out in the Storm till the Sparrow had learned For What Other Purpose Christopher Columbus crossed the Ocean, or for me to question too curiously What Larger Meaning there may be in the Providence of God. Then said I, Oh, my God, I am of more value OF SAFED THE SAGE 45 than many Sparrows, but I do not know much more than they, and some men know less. The Sparrow hath found her an House, and the Swallow a Nest in the Protecting Shelter of Thine Altars, and they know not that those Altars have any Other use. I do not know much more about thy Provi- dences than that Sparrow knoweth about Chris- topher Columbus, but I know that when the Blast of the Terrible ones is as a Storm Against the Wall, Thou dost keep him in Perfect Peace whose mind is stayed on Thee. CRUMBS AND BUBBLES Now I was meditating on the things that seem to be Trivial and how when they are many, they be- come an Heap so that they Block the Amenities of Life. And I listened and I heard the Patter of Little Feet, and I stopped my work, and the daughter of the daughter of Keturah ran into mine arms, and pulled my Beard, and kissed me upon both of my cheeks and once beside, and she said: Grandpa, on this day I am Three Years Old, and behold there hath been given unto me a Doll, and a Cake with Three Candles thereupon. And I said unto her, It was a glad day when God sent thy Mother unto us, and another glad day THE WIT AND WISDOM saying, Thou didst Rub it In a Little Too Vigor- ously. And I said, Nay. I speak as the prophets of God must speak. I will not prophesy smooth things. I will Cry Aloud and Show the people their Trans- gressions. Yea, the Word of God in my mouth shall not be as it were a Mouth of Meal, but as a two-edged Sword, dividing asunder the Joints and Marrow, and Discerning the Thoughts and Intents of the Heart. Now on the morrow I said to Keturah, I go to the Barber-Shop. And Keturah said, Go, my lord. But another time go thou on the day that precedeth the Sabbath; for thy hair and thy beard showed yesterday that they needed to be Trimmed. So I went to the Barber-Shop. And I sat on a Great Throne, with a Bib about me, while the Barber did his Duty. And I beheld, and there hung before me a Leathern Case wherein were many Razors; and they were exceeding sharp. And upon the Shelf were many pairs of Shears. And beside these were certain pairs of Clippers. And I said to myself, Here also is a man who needeth Sharp Instruments in his Business, even as I do. And I Spake to the Barber, and I said, Behold, OF SAFED THE SAGE 49 thou dost use in thy Business only the things that are Sharp. And the Barber answered and said, Not on thy Life. Thou hast another Think Coming. The Razor and the Shears and the Clippers represent only a small part of my Equipment. I use Cold Cream that sootheth; and Bay Rum that feeleth Mighty Good after a Shave; and Ointment that healeth wheresoever the Razor goeth over a place where the Skin hath any manner of Hurt. Yea, and I have Lotions and Talcum Powder, and Lots of Stuff to make a Fellow feel Good. Otherwise must I go out of Business. I could never Run this Shop with Sharp Instruments Alone. And I meditated much on what the Barber said to me. And I said to my soul, If the Barber needeth Healing Lotions and Emollients in his Business, much more do I. I will not attempt hereafter to run my business with Sharp Instruments only. And I knew that God had sent me to the Barber- Shop that I might learn this lesson. Yea, and also because I needed an Hair Cut. And I told it to Keturah. And Keturah spake to me and said, Tell it to all men who Preach: for among them are Many Men who possess as Little Wisdom as doth my lord. Yea, and there may be a few who know even less. OF SAFED THE SAGE 51 And he said, What, dost thou reprove me for doing my duty, and for cleaning my walk? And I said, For a good deed I reprove thee not. But know this, that the reward for the doing of one duty is the privilege of doing another; and he who cleaneth his walk so that it is slippery, should keep a Coal-hod of Sand wherewith to sprinkle the walk. And he said, Dost thou make a virtue of the conduct of those who Lie in their Beds while I shovel my walk ? And I said, I praise them not, neither do I think them virtuous. But there is no Vice like the half of a Virtue, nor any sin like a Duty half done. THE CATALOGUE OF FLOWERS Now there came to Keturah a Woman's Maga- zine. And it cometh once in Every Month. And the leaves of the Magazine bear Twelve Manner of Advertisements, one for every month. And it came to pass that while the snow was deep upon the ground, behold she was reading advertise- ments of Flowers and Seeds. And there was one advertisement which said, Send unto us a Dime and we will send to thee Six Packages of Seed, and a Wondrous Catalogue, and a Book that telleth thee All About the Garden. And Keturah sent the dime. THE WIT AND WISDOM And when the Catalogue came, behold it was covered on the inside and on the outside with Flowers of Wondrous Beauty. And it told of many kinds of Flowers, yea, and of Vegetables that may be grown in the Back Yard and reduce the High Cost of Living. And there was a Coupon that said, Buy from us the value of a Dollar, and this Coupon shall be as it were Twenty Five Cents of the Same. And Keturah did that also. And I said, Behold the ground is white with Snow, and deeply Frozen underneath it. And she said, Yea, I know that the ground is white with Snow, and that there is deep Frost underneath it. But the Seed Catalogue is a Sign of Spring. Yea, and Spring beginneth in mine own heart when I begin to plan for the Garden. And I considered the Hollyhocks that I had planted, and which lay deep under the snow. And I wondered how it fared with them, and whether there were Any New Kinds. And I said, Behold, there be many weary weeks before the Spring shall come, but I will send a Dollar with that of Keturah, and I will plant Hollyhocks in mine heart this day. So will I not wait till Spring to possess mine Hollyhocks: for behold they are mine already; those in the Seed Catalogue, and those that be under the Snow. OF SAFED THE SAGE 53 THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF SEED We made a Garden, I and Keturah, for so have our forefathers done, even from the First of them, who was Fired from his Job. And we made a place for Flowers, and a Place for Vegetables. And wherever there was Room, there did I plant an Hollyhock. And we made a Bed, with Straight Rows across it, three hand-breadths apart, which is two parts of a Cubit. And in the Rows I planted Seed which I had bought from the Vendor. And when the Envelope wherein the seed came was Empty, then did I drive a Stake at the end of the Row, and thereon I Stuck the Envelope. And Keturah asked me, saying, Canst thou not remember that there be Three Rows of Radishes, and Two of Lettuce, and one of Onions, and the Rest? And I said, The Seeds are many, and they are very Small. We must expect not Too Much of them. How can each Seed know what it is to be? But now shall it know. For if it cannot Read Eng- lish, then may it look on the Envelope, and say, Behold I am to be like unto that Picture, and my name is Turnip. And Keturah said, It is for thyself thou dost place 54 THE WIT AND WISDOM the Envelope so, that thou mayest know the plants from the Label and conceal thine own Ignorance. And I said, O Keturah, what is all the wisdom in the world save this, that by some tag or label placed here and there at the end of the Row, they that are wise conceal their Ignorance? For that Ignorance is very Vast, and it Shutteth Down about us on every side. There be men who know more about Seed than I do, so that they can tell a Radish Seed from a Lettuce Seed before they plant it. But who of them knoweth on the Law of Chances, that what seed Produced Radish last year shall not of the same kind of Seed produce this year Pumpkin Vines, each bearing in every Blossom a Pumpkin Pie? So I entered into mine House, and I sat me down, for I was weary, and I meditated much that God needeth not the Labels to remind Him what each Seed shall produce. And I marveled at the Miracle of Life, that every seed doth bring forth after its kind, so that even the Grain of Mustard Seed hath in it a Great Tree, and every package of Seed doth contain the Memory of God, yea, and every tiniest seed the Veracity of God. Now this human life is an Envelope, containing the Seed of a Nature which though it be mine own I understand but little. And I dimly Comprehend the Implications of Mine Own Soul when it seeketh 58. THE WIT AND WISDOM were Good People, who Feared God and loved Beautiful Things. Behold the Hollyhocks whereon we have spent no labor. And Keturah answered and said, Verily, this is the reward of right living, that one passeth on to those who follow the fruits of the good which he doeth. For others shall enjoy the Hollyhocks of our planting, and we shall enjoy the Hollyhocks that were planted by those who were here before us. And I said, It is even so. And there are certain Good People who have Hollyhock seed, and they will send of it to me. And we will plant that also, and by the time we are through, this place shall have Hollyhocks that grow as Bulrushes grow in the land of Egypt. For the Hollyhocks grew in Palestine, even in the land where Jesus lived. And the seed thereof was brought into the lands on the hither side of the Mediterranean by the men who fought in the Cru- sades that they might win back the Sepulchre of Jesus. And they called it the Holy Hock. Wherefore after I am dead and gathered to my fathers shall men say when they come where I have lived, Behold these are the Hollyhocks that were planted by Safed, whom some men called the Sage. And others will know nothing of Safed, but the Flowers will be there. OF SAFED THE SAGE 59 HOLLYHOCKS I TRANSPLANTED The Winter was long and cold, and the Spring came timidly. Divers were sick of the people whom I loved, and some of them died. And we took the Easter Lilies from the House of God and laid them upon the new graves of those who were dear to us. And I went often to the place appointed for the dead, and beside every grave did I speak words of comfort, and in every grave did I bury a part of mine own heart. And I was weary and sad. And I said, Where- fore doth God take men away in the midst of their years? Why hath life so many sorrows? And it was the first Spring in our new home. And I went to the house where formerly we did live, and I said unto the people that dwell there, Give me, I pray, of the Hollyhocks that I have planted here; for there be enough for me and for you. And they said, Take what thou wilt; are they not thine own? And for what thou dost leave we are grateful. So I digged among the Hollyhocks where they were thick, and took up those that were too Crowded. And I carried them carefully, and I brought them to the New Home that is hard by the House of God. But the Hollyhocks wot not what I did, and they 60 THE WIT AND WISDOM complained. And I listened to them, and they an- swered me, saying: Behold thou didst plant us here, and we have grown and done well. Wherefore dost thou remove us? Do we not make this place Beautiful, so that we are instead of Weeds in this spot? And behold our Roots, how thou dost rend them, and lay them bare, and do them Violence. Why are thy ways un- equal, and wherefore dost thou destroy the Holly- hocks of thine own planting? And the Hollyhocks knew not that I had a place prepared for them, neither did they understand that they were to blossom more abundantly in my garden hard by the House of God. PARABLE OF THE SHORE DINNER The Winter went out like a Lamb, but the Spring came in like a Lion. And there came a day that blustered, and the night was Furious. And we went to a Restaurant for Dinner. For the Ethiopian maiden had married the man who chose her instead of the Yellow Gal. And I said, Keturah, let us not flee from the cold, for next summer that is what we shall be seeking; yea, we will then rejoice whenever we shiver. For this is the great folly of mankind that in Winter they are happy when they Swelter and in Summer OF SAFED THE SAGE 61 they are thankful when they Freeze. Now will we reverse the process. It is a fine, large night. Let us go down to the Beach and have a Shore Dinner. Behold, this is Friday. Now we came to the Restaurant, and we looked over the Bill of Fare. And I spake to the Waitress, and I said, Bring unto us Clam Chowder. And as we ate, we said, This is the Real Thing. Behold how the sunlight doth play across the waters of Narragansett Bay. And I said unto the Waitress, Bring unto us Planked Whitefish. And she brought in a Whitefish on a Plank, with mashed Potatoes all around it Ringwise. And as we ate it, I said, Beautiful is the Island of Mackinac. Here blow the winds from Three Lakes, and tonight I feel no Oppressive Heat. How lovely it is to escape hither and have a Good Cool Time. And I said unto the Waitress, Bring unto us now two plates of Ice Cream. And I said, How cool it is beside the little lake where we go in summer, and how good is the sound of the maul as our sons pound the Ice; yea, and how delicious is the Cream when it is frozen. And I said unto the waitress, Bring unto us two small cups of Coffee. And I said, I will drink it without sugar or cream, 62 THE WIT AND WISDOM for these cost extra in Venice. Yea, and here at the Lido, after a dip in the waters of the Adriatic, how lovely it is to sit on the great wide Verandah and drink a Thimbleful of good Black Coffee that picketh one up after a Plunge. And as we walked home, I said, That is a great old breeze that is sweeping in from the ocean across these Isles of Shoals where now we are. And so we came to our house. And Keturah said, Where do we go from Here? And I said, We go to the best place of all. For the night without is black and stormy, and I have no Committee Meeting, and the Telephone wire is Broken. Where is that Interesting Book which thou didst begin to read aloud to me last summer when I lay on the Pine Needles with my head in thy lap? And she read to me. And I said, This has been a fine Summer Evening. And Keturah said so, too. HEAVEN AND THE STEAMBOAT We sought rest, I and Keturah, and we went South to meet the Spring and bring it back with us. And we eschewed Railroads, but sailed upon a Steamboat. For this is a country of Majestic Rivers, and few there be that know it. And the Purser of the Steamboat spake unto me, saying, OF SAFED THE SAGE Behold, here are threescore and four Staterooms: take thou thy choice, and he gave unto us two State- rooms, in the most Desirable Part of the Ship: and the rooms opened together so that we had each of us a Lower Berth. And I slept at night in the Lower Berth, and by day I lay in the Upper Berth when I desired, and did read, and at other times we sat on deck, I and Keturah, and beheld a wondrous Moving Picture Show. And there were only two other First Class Passengers, and they were Good People. And the Steward said, Behold, I have a Rattling Good Cook, yea and a Pastry Cook also, and we must keep them Busy: whatsoever thine heart de- sireth, that will they cook. And the Bath Room Man said, When thou de- sireth to Bathe, behold the Tub shall be Clean, and there will be no lack of Hot Water or of Towels. And the Barber and the Porter and the Bootblack spake in like manner. And Aunt Ellen, who keep- eth the Linen, and who was born a Slave and hath been on the River forty years, she also gave us Everything in sight, and the Captain took me unto his Cabin, and showed me many things about a Steamboat. And I and Keturah, we owned the Boat, and the Shore and the Sky. Now at this same time certain of our friends were fleeing from the Cold Winds of early Spring, and 64 THE WIT AND WISDOM were paying High Prices in Popular Southern Hotels where the Limit in Prices is the Sky; and they traveled by Rail, where the throng was so great that it was difficult to get a Lower Berth. And I spake unto Keturah, and said, This world hath few people as Sensible as thee and me: I am glad that I married so Sensible a woman and thou so wise a man. And I said, It is lucky that the way to Heaven is not reserved for the Wise, but that wayfaring men though Fools may not err therein: for there are few others traveling. For the way of the Sinner is Expensive and Disappointing: and I sometimes fear that we shall have more Room than we need in Heaven. THE RIVER CURRENT We sailed on the River, I and Keturah, yea, upon two Rivers, and even Three. For we entered into a Ship and sailed down the Mississippi, and up the Ohio, and then up the Tennessee. And we sailed for Eight Days, and we sailed for a Thousand Miles. And the waters in all these rivers were high, and the Current was swift. And we ascended the Tennessee slowly by reason of the Current. And I grew anxious, for I must needs return for the 66 THE WIT AND WISDOM Haven, but of the Unseen Currents of Worldliness that Imperceptibly retard them, and even cause them to drift the Other Way. And on the Sabbath I stood before my congrega- tion, and I said, Oh men and women, think not because the Wheels still Go Around and thou art Puffing and Making Much Smoke that thou shalt surely go to Heaven. Behold there is an Undertow, and a Mighty Inflooding that may Hold thee Back, or even Drift thee whither thou wouldest not go. These things I spake on the Sabbath, because in Spite of the Backwater, I and Keturah we Got There. OT THE FIRST ROBIN Now the Winter had been Long, and Very Cold, and the Snow had been deep, and Spring was not yet come. And I rose early in the morning, and I looked out of mine Window, and Behold a Robin. And I called unto Keturah, and said, Come quickly, and see thou hasten thine arrival at the Window. For here is a Friend of ours that is Come from a Far Country to Visit us. And Keturah came to the Window, and she also beheld the Robin. Now the Robin looked at us, and hopped about upon the Cold and Bare Ground, and looked for the OF SAFED THE SAGE 67 Early Worm, but the Bird was Earlier than the Worm. And Keturah went to her Kitchen to see what she might find that the Robin would eat. And I spake to the Robin, and said: Behold thou hast been where it was Warm, and the Sun did Shine. And thou couldest have stayed there. But here thou art. And thou comest while it is yet Winter, for the Prophecy of Spring is in thy Blood. Thy faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. Thou hast come many miles, yea hundreds of miles, to a land that lies desolate, because thou hast within thy soul the assurance that Spring is near. Oh, that there were in human life some assurance that would send men forth to their High Destiny with as com- pelling a Conviction! And I thought of the Eye, that it is formed in darkness, but formed for the light; and the Ear that is wondrously shaped in Silence, but made for the hearing of Music; and of the Human Soul that is born into a world where Sin is, yet born with an assurance of Righteousness. And I blessed the Little Bird that had caused me to think of these things. And I went forth among men that day, and they said, Salaam, Safed. Behold is it not a cold and long Winter? And I said, Speak to me no more of Winter. OF SAFED THE SAGE 69 Ground is full of Nice Juicy Worms; go thither and eat, and disturb not my Cherries. And the Robin turned his head on one side, and pecked at a Cherry that was beginning to be Red, and then he turned his head the other way, and pecked at another. And I said, Hast thou not heard of Mr. Hoover, and how he desireth that we eat all of us Substi- tutes ? Eat thou not of my Cherries, but eat Bugs; they are Excellent Substitutes; so shalt thou please Mr. Hoover, yea, and me also. And the Robin spake unto me saying, Dost thou not remember the morning in Early Spring when first I came, and how thy heart did rejoice in me? And behold, I have builded my nest, and reared my young and fed them with worms which I took from thy Garden; and Now I am ready for Cherries. And Keturah she came, and we stood there and talked unto the Bird, both of us, and the Robin was not affrighted, but listened to all we had to say, and still continually did he peck at the unripe Cherries. And Keturah answered and said, There will be Cherries left for us, if we get out and pick them when they be first ripe; some of them will I can. Yea, and I will make for thee a Wondrous Cherry Pie, with all the Stones taken out. And as for the Robins, let them have their share. If I had to live OF SAFED THE SAGE that? And I told her that the Blue above the tops of the Trees was the Sky. And she looked long at the Sky, and it appeared Very High as she saw it through the Treetops. And when she saw How High it was, she considered, and she said: But I can hardly reach it. That was all she said of it, and she is not yet three years old. She could hardly reach it; even as the man of God in olden time thought the Heaven and the knowl- edge of God too wonderful for him and said, It is high; I cannot attain unto it. And yet she did not say she could not entirely reach it. For the Sky beginneth not far above the tree tops, but at the very ground; and the little damsel. toucheth it with her finger tips all the day long. And they are such delicate little finger tips. O my God, as the heaven is high above the earth, so are Thy ways above our ways, and we can hardly reach Thee; yet do I thank Thee that Thou art not wholly out of reach. Thou art as near unto me as the Sky is nigh unto the little Maiden, and that is not quite out of reach. 74 THE WIT AND WISDOM THE QUICK AND THE DEAD We went, I and Keturah, unto the Great Hall where the Symphony Orchestra of an hundred men who have skill play on Instruments of Musick. And one said, This day there is to be a First Per- formance of a New Overture, and the Composer is a man of this City. Come and meet him. So I went and had speech with him. And he was Nervously Awaiting his own number, which was the Third, and the first two were long and seemed to him longer. And he opened his heart and told me many things. And he said, I have lived all my life in hope of this day. In my boyhood I loved Musick, and I worked hard to earn money that I might study it. Then did I begin to teach Piano and Violin and Voice. But now I teach only Harmony. And all the years I have waited for the time when a piece of mine own composing should be played by the Symphony Orchestra, and I would lead it. And he told me how long it took him to compose the Overture, and how many times he wrote it; and how he labored nights for Four Months to copy the scores for the Orchestra Parts. And it came to pass that his piece was rendered, and he conducted it. OF SAFED THE SAGE 75 And it required Twelve Minutes. And for that he had worked Forty Years! And at the end he was applauded. And they called him back thrice. And after all other men and women had ceased still did I applaud him, and Keturah she also applauded, so that those about us joined in, and so we gave him one more come-back than the law required. And Keturah said, I have never known thee to applaud so much. And I said, This man is of mine own city and treadeth the same hard pavements that jar me. And he hath long taught reluctant pupils to play on the Psaltery and the Sackbut and the Dulcimer and the Jewsharp, all the while dreaming of this day. And his triumph lasteth just Twelve Minutes. Now the Lord do so to me and more also if I give him not all that is coming to him. And Keturah said, But the rest of the program is of the Great Composers, even Liszt and Mozart and Mendelssohn. And thou didst applaud them but little. And I said, If the Great Composers were living in this town and walked the floor nights with the baby, then would I applaud them more. And I said, I also am in daily competition with the Mighty Dead. For men say, Why should we pay a Dollar and the Fourth Part of a Dollar for 78 THE WIT AND WISDOM And I came away rejoicing. And I said, Declare unto me no more that Altru- ism is dead, and that we live in a world where every man is for himself and the devil doth take the hind- most. There be many signs that it is not so. And I said, I will never lose my faith that men are capable of Heroic Unselfishness so long as there is a Vacant Lot with Eighteen Boys Playing thereon, the one Nine in Uniform going forth to glory, and the other Nine laboring in Obscurity and taking its Licking with glee. And I said, I have played on the Diamond, and I have known the joy that thrilleth the arms of a lad when the Bat doth strike the ball; yea, I have heard the plaudit of the multitude when I have come in over the Home Plate. But I recall from the memo- ries of my youth that I was not always a member of the Uniformed Team; and that it was joy and not pain to be Gloriously Licked by the Home Team that it might go forth and lick the other fellows. And I said to myself that I liked to see Good Ball played by professionals; but that nothing revived my faith in human nature more than to see a prac- tice game in which the Home Team was licking the Scrub Team, and the Scrubs rejoicing thereat. OF SAFED THE SAGE 79 THE NEXT TIME There lived in the Town of my Boyhood a Dam- sel, whose name was Dinah. And I liked her, and knew not but that I could like her more if I were to Drop Everything Else and give her my Exclusive Attention. And I went away and abode for certain months in another place. And Dinah came thither to visit, and I determined to Show her a Good Time, for she was from my Home Town. And Dinah was willing, but also was pursuing a policy of Watchful Waiting in certain other Directions. And there came the Fourth Day of July, and Sunday School Picnic. And some rode thither in Buggies, but the most part on Hayracks, or any old way. But I stood in with a man who had two Saddle Horses, and he was particular to whom he loaned them. And when I came unto the house where she lodged, leading one horse and riding one, Dinah's countenance fell. And she said, Safed, it is good of thee to take me to places, and I like it, but thou art only a boy from the Home Town, and I would fain ride in one of the loads, that I may meet others as well as thee. And I went to a friend, who was driving his own two horses, that were hitched to an Hayrack. And THE WIT AND WISDOM beside him was his best girl, and her name was Ruth. And upon the Hayrack were young men and maidens. And I said, Sam, wilt thou do me a Favor? And he said, I will give thee anything, save Ruth only. And I said, Take thou my two saddle horses for thee and Ruth, and let me drive thy team. And he said, Let us hasten, Ruth, and climb down from here and mount the horses. Now when Dinah saw that Ruth and Sam were glad, then was she more snippy than ever. But that day was not wholly lost. For there rode on the Hayrack two maidens whom I had not met before. And one of them was Keturah. Now after fourteen years, Dinah wrote to Keturah, and said, I would visit thee. And Keturah wrote and said, Come. So she lodged with us four days. And she was still unmarried. And on one night was a lecture. And Keturah cared not to go, but stayed with her Five Children, and I took Dinah to the lecture. And as we were returning, Dinah spake to me, saying, Dost thou remember the Fourth Day of July, fourteen years ago? And I told her that I had not forgotten. OF SAFED THE SAGE And she said, When thou didst take me home that night thou didst say to me, I am sorry that thou hast not enjoyed this day, and I hope it will fare better the Next Time I invite thee. And I said, I remember. And she said, Safed, This is the Next Time. And I considered that some people who wait for the Next Time will have a long time to wait. THE MOVING PICTURES We took a journey, I and Keturah, and we Changed Cars in a certain city, and we lodged there One Night in an Inn. And we walked abroad after that we had Dined, and it was evening. And the Shops were closed, but the Movies were open. And we gave Two Dimes unto a Damsel in a Glass Cage, and we went in and sat down. And we beheld a Moving Picture, the theme whereof was The Reward of Virtue. And it was concerning a Young Woman who loved Art with a Capital A, and who appeared not to love Dishwash- ing. And she left her Home and went to a Great City and Studied Art. And she was subject to Great Temptations, all of which were Shown to us, and the way she was Tempted was A Plenty. But nothing tempted her to go Back Home and help her mother Wash the Dishes in the Kitchen OF SAFED THE SAGE 83 And we Returned unto the Inn, and I answered Keturah, and said, That also was a Moving Picture, and it was Great Stuff. And Keturah said, That was the Real Thing. That was Life. And when we knelt beside our Bed that Night, we Prayed for Both Companies of People. EDEN AND THE SERPENT Now the manner of my wooing of Keturah was on this wise. After that Dinah had been rude to me, I saw Keturah now and again, but I was minded that I would Avoid Entangling Alliances, for I was laboring hard that I might gain an Education, and silver and gold had I none. But there came a night in June when I and the stars looked down on Keturah, and mine heart told me that I loved her. Yet spake I not to her of love that night. But I went to my room, and I regarded mine empty Pocket Book, and I said to it that it might Go Hang, for I would not let another night descend on earth till I should have her as mine own. And on the next day I sought her, and I was on Horseback, and I led another horse. And I en- treated her that she would ride with me far into the Hills. And she did so. OF SAFED THE SAGE 89 I took note, and behold, it was in a Desolate Spot, · where the Signal Man had Very Little Companion- ship. But he had climbed down in the hours when no trains were going, and had planted seeds about the Signal Tower. And there were Larkspurs to match the sky, and Poppies that grew red. And beside all these were Hollyhocks, yea and many of them. There were Hollyhocks of Brown, like unto the eyes of Keturah, and Hollyhocks of pink, like her cheeks when first God gave her to me, and others white as the snow, and others red as the rose. And they grew ever upward as if they would mount to the Signal Tower and smile in at its windows at the man who planted them. And as we went on our way, I thought of the man in the Signal Tower, and I said to him in my heart: "Thou art my brother. I also have a tower like unto thine, which appertaineth unto my Church, and there do I spend long hours in a place of mine own, apart from men and lifted up, that I may catch if so it may be the messages which I shall transmit into signals for them to keep them on the right track, and I also grow Hollyhocks.” So I climb again to my Signal Tower, and I seek if I may give unto men the right Signals that they 90 THE WIT AND WISDOM go aright on life's course to their safe place in its Terminal; but also will I brighten the earth beneath with Hollyhocks. THE JUNE CHRISTMAS TREE The daughter of the daughter of Keturah stood at the door of the Synagogue, and waited for me. And it was the Sabbath day. And I spake unto her, but she answered me sor- rowfully. And her countenance was fallen. And I said, What is the matter with my little girl? And she said, They told me that it would be a Tree, and it was not a Tree. And I said unto her, Tell me about it, that I may know when a Tree is not a Tree. And she said, They did tell me in the Sunday School to bring a Present that I might hang it upon a June Christmas Tree. And I said, I know about that. It is for the little children in China. And because the Box must be packed long beforehand in order that it may reach the little Chinese children in time for Christ- mas, therefore do they gather the presents in June. And they intended that on this day they would hang the Presents upon the Elm Tree that groweth hard by the Synagogue, and that the children should sing 92 THE WIT AND WISDOM Eve, and how she had been told of the Tree of Life and had thought to eat thereof; but how life as she knew it was just a string, with one perplexing thing after another. Indeed, there have been days when mine own Tree of Life yielded to me the same bitter fruit. It was naught save a String, which might be pulled and pulled, and it came to no end, but to many a tangle. But I have learned that even upon such a string there may be hung those precious gifts of Sacrifice and Love, which I verily believe in some Celestial Kingdom will shine among the fruits of a Tree whose leaves are for the healing of the nations. Therefore do I seek this day to fasten the ends of my String of Life a little tighter, and to pin upon it each several day some gift of Kindness or good deed; for who knoweth whether my String be not one of the Roots of God's Tree of Life? THE CIRCUS PROCESSION Now the daughter of Keturah spake unto me, saying, Father, behold, there cometh a Circus to town. Wilt thou borrow my Little Daughter and take her thereto? And I said, Among the many uses of little chil- dren, one is this, that by reason of them it becometh the duty of Grandfathers to attend the Circus. 94 THE WIT AND WISDOM phants were so large and the tails which they clung to were so small. And I said, My little maiden, what thou seest is a Parable, and even such is Life. Men and Women who are Old Enough and Big Enough and ought to Know Better, stand trembling even like those Great Beasts till they have some Slender Thing to Cling to whereby they may follow in the Procession, not knowing whither they go. But the little maiden listened not to my Moral. Wherefore did we go and buy Peanuts to feed the Elephants when they returned, and some Pink Lemonade and a Red Balloon for ourselves. And it was a Good Show, but not such as they had when I was a Lad. THE BUMBLE BEE We came, I and Keturah, to the place where we are wont to spend our Summers. And we walked under the great Pine Trees, and I went with un- covered head, for I reverence them. And we came nigh unto the nest of a Bumble Bee, and I knew it not. And a Bumble Bee flew at me Furiously, and he assailed my Head, and he thrust out his Sting. And Keturah saw him, and she cried out, Alas, my husband, for he hath stung thee on the Forehead. OF SAFED THE SAGE 95 And I answered, and said, I am very grateful to that Bumble Bee. And she said, Hasten, and put something on it, ere it swell. And I said, My head is not Swelled, neither shall that Bumble Bee swell it. He stung me not, and I am very thankful to him. And she said, If he stung thee not, I am glad. But I know not why I should be thankful. For it was in his heart to sting. And I said, My hair groweth thin, and my friends say, Safed groweth toward Baldness. But this Bee got Tangled in my Hair. He that hath hair enough to entangle a Bumble Bee is not Bald. And I considered how many are the annoyances of life, and even of its threatened dangers, that afford us ground for joy, if we only know how to interpret them. THE POTATO BUG There came unto me a man, who sat him down before I asked him to do so. And he inquired of me, saying, Dost thou believe in Prayer? Now, I am a man of Prayer, neither hath there been a day since my childhood when I have not prayed unto my God. But I answered him not, for 96 THE WIT AND WISDOM I knew that he had not come to learn what I be- lieved about Prayer, but to tell me what he believed, and that he would Never Notice whether I answered him or no. And he took up his parable and said, I was on the train, on my way to a Very Important Business Engagement; and if I made it, I should make Good Money, and give unto the Lord a tenth thereof. And my train was late. And I approached a Junc- tion. And if the other train had gone, I had Missed my Appointment. So I took the matter to God in prayer, and behold, the other train was later than mine own. So did I meet the appointment, and I sold the Goods, and the Treasury of the Lord shall prosper. And he thought not of the many people on the Connecting Train who suffered by the delay which his Prayer had Seemed to Produce. And I said unto him, There is a place where I go in Summer, where there are Trees and a Lake and Streams. And there grew a Great Tree by the side of a stream, and the waters washed under the roots upon the one side thereof, so that the Tree grew out over the Stream. And it was a Beautiful Tree, and it grew for an Hundred Years. And the Cattle rested under the shade thereof, and the Birds of Heaven did build their Nest in the branches thereof. Now, upon the one side of the Stream was there OF SAFED THE SAGE 97 a Potato Patch, and within the Patch there grew a Potato Vine, and upon the Potato Vine there Crawled a Potato Bug. And when the Potato Bug had filled his Belly with the leaves of the Potato Vine, he looked across the Stream, and behold there was another Potato Patch, fairer than the one wherein he abode. And he said, I will go forth, even into that other Potato Patch, and there shall my soul Delight itself in Fatness. So he came to the Stream, and he could not get across. And he tar- ried there that night. And in the night there arose a Great Wind, and it smote the Tree, so that it fell, and its Mighty Trunk lay across the stream. And when the morning was come, the Potato Bug climbed upon a root of the Tree, and he crossed over, and came unto the other side, and he went to the other Potato Patch. And he said, Now do I behold the Goodness of God who hath made a Bridge for me, and brought me safe over the Stream; for this is an answer to my Prayer. And while the Potato Bug gave thanks to God, the Cattle mourned for the Shade which had sheltered them, and the Birds were Sorrowing over their Broken Eggs, and over their Little Birds that were Crushed, and over their Homes that were Desolate. But the Potato Bug knew it not, nor regarded it, but thanked his God for the answer of the Prayer of the Potato Bug. 98 THE WIT AND WISDOM man Now the man who had come to tell me that he believed in Prayer heard this parable, and he was wroth. And he said, Dost thou compare me to a Potato Bug? And I said unto him, I speak the truth in parables; for the good God hath made the outer world and the things therein that they may be as a Mirror to the Souls of men. I do not compare thee to a Potato Bug, but if thou seest any Points of Similarity, that is thine own affair. And he departed. THE PULLOON The daughter of the daughter of Keturah sat on the Curb, and she looked like a Small Sized Picture of Dejection. She lifted not her head when I drew near, and when I spake to her, she answered as it were in a Whisper that was nigh unto Tears. And she tried hard, and she could not Produce the Tears. And I took her in my arms to comfort her. And she laid her head against my shoulder, and her little warm face did she rub against my face. And she tried hard to cry. And I said, Wherefore is my little maiden sad? And why hath her countenance fallen? And she answered me with a Near-sob. And she said, We have no Money. OF SAFED THE SAGE 99 And I said, At the Present Price of almost every- thing, Money is not quite a Superfluity. Wherefore dost thou desire Money? And she said, I desire a Pulloon. And I understood her not. And I said, Speak not to me in that sobbing voice. What is that thou desirest? Is it a Prune? And she told me that it was not a Prune. And I asked her, What is a Pulloon like unto? And she said, It is a Round Ball, of Red, or Blue, or Gold, and it Saileth High in the air, but it hath a String to Pull, lest it ascend to Heaven. Then understood I why she thought the name was Pulloon. For the name of a thing must have a meaning to her. And I said, Come with me into the House, and let us see Baby Brother, and as for the Pulloon, forget it. I have not seen a man that selleth Pulloons in Many a Moon. And we went into the house. And the daughter of Keturah laid her young son in mine arms, whom she hath named for me. And he is a Goodly Child. And even as we stood there, behold I heard the sound of a whistle. And I caught the hand of the little maiden, and I said, Let us hasten. Behold, there is such a thing as a Special Providence. And we hailed the seller of Pulloons. And he had Red 100 THE WIT AND WISDOM ones and Blue ones and Green ones. And she was hard put to it to determine which she would take. And the man watched her warily, for he knew what Grandfathers less wise than I did at such times. And he said, One for Fifteen centa; two for Quarta. And I said, Pulloons have Gone up. Neverthe- less, even if they were cheaper I would buy but one. For I know the folly of supposing that a child's life consisteth in the multitude of the Pulloons which she possesseth. And we selected one. And the little maiden took it, and ran with it, and laughed, and it sailed above her Golden Curls; but her heart rose higher and danced more merrily than did the Pulloon. And mine heart went up with hers. For we all sail our Pulloons. Yea, my heart is in the air with one of them, wherein rideth a Son of mine that saileth over the Ships to warn them of perils. Yea, I have invested Rather Heavily in Pulloons. Pulloons cost more than they did. THE BUTTON AND THE PLUS There were two men who lived in a certain city, and they were neighbors and partners. And what- soever of Prosperity came to their business, that OF SAFED THE SAGE 101 did they divide, so that the one and the other did share alike. And there came a Great War. And there was a Committee which waited on these two men, and said unto each of them, Lend of thy money to thy Government, for it hath need; and in so doing thou shalt gain for thyself Four and One Fourth Per Cent and make the World Safe for Democracy. And one of them considered, and said, God hath prospered me with a moderate prosperity; I will subscribe all I can afford. And he subscribed for a bond that cost him a Thousand Shekels. And the other asked him, How much hast thou subscribed ? And he said, A thousand shekels. Then said he, That is Going Some, but I will go thee Fifty-Fifty. I also will subscribe for a Thou- sand Shekels. But he thought within himself, Peradventure they raise it not all the First Crack out of the Box, then will they come around again; and if I subscribe a Thousand Shekels, then shall I have nothing left wherewith to come back at them again. So he sub- scribed Five Hundred Shekels. And he said unto the Chairman of the Committee, If thou lackest, come back; for thou canst always count on Yours Truly to do his share, and Then Some. And the Committee gave to each of them a But- OF SAFED THE SAGE 103 THINGS ONE WANTS TO KNOW Now there came to me two men, who were clad in Gay Apparel, and they Drave up to my Door in a Chariot, and they Honked, and they spake unto the Maid, and asked, Doth Safed live here, and is the Old Prophet at Home? And the maid answered and said, He is at Home, but he is Busy; I will ask if he can see you. And they answered, Sayest thou he is Busy? Now would not that Jar thee? What hath he to be busy about? And they entered, and they said, Canst thou tell us what we want to know ? And I said, I cannot. And one spake to the other, and said, It is just as I expected, only I did not think he would admit it. And I answered, I can tell some men what they want to know, but not you; because the things ye want to know are not the things best worth knowing. And one of them spake and said, The old fellow hath Some Punch in him, and Cometh Back right well. And they consulted together and said to me, We want to know whether to Buy Stocks or Sell, now that the end of the War approacheth; and if thou art a Prophet thou canst advise us to our Advantage. And I said, I have already given you your Answer. 106 THE WIT AND WISDOM passable for the Multitude. And I took the little maiden, and I carried her on my shoulder where the crowd was great, that she might see and remem- ber all her life the wild tumult of them that cheered when Peace came again from Heaven upon Earth. And I mingled with the throng, and I rejoiced with them. And I saw the Mirth and the Rejoicing. But when I think of the coming of Peace, there riseth before my mind the vision, not of the Crowd, neither of the sound of the Musick of the Bands, neither the Noise of them that blow Horns and Pound upon Pans, but the vision everywhere of Little Children who run, one by one, to meet return- ing men, and crying in their Childish Joy, Is the War over? And I thank God for the answer that shall be made unto them. THE FOUR-CENT BIRTHDAY The daughter of the daughter of Keturah is three years of age, and she goeth upon the Sabbath Day unto the Sunday School. And on every Sabbath she taketh with her a Nickel, the value whereof is Five Cents. And it came to pass upon a Sabbath morning that she spake to her mother, and she said, Give me not Five Cents, I pray thee, but rather give me Four. OF SAFED THE SAGE 107 And her mother did even as she desired. And upon that day she came home from the Sun- day School in Great Glee. And on the next Sabbath her mother gave unto her a Nickel, but she said, Nay, for I desire Four Cents. And her mother said unto her, Wherefore dost thou desire Four Cents ? And she said, In order that I may have a Birth- day. And her mother said, Thou art but Three, and thy Birthday is not long past. It will be many months before thou shalt have a Birthday. But she said, Nay, I had one last Sunday, and I must have another today. Then said her mother, Didst thou indeed tell the Teacher that last Sabbath was thy Birthday? And she answered, Verily I told her so, and I had the Four Cents. For whatsoever little girl doth bring Four Cents, she shall have a Birthday. And her mother said, Nay, my daughter, it is not thus. Birthdays come not so often, and when they come thou must take them, even though the time shall come when thou wouldest give Four Cents not to have them. Take thy Five Cents. And the Little Damsel answered, and said, If I take Five Cents the Teacher doth accept it and say nothing. But if I take Four Cents, then may I drop 112 THE WIT AND WISDOM two aspects we behold, even as the hat meaneth one thing to the man who owneth it and another to the man who owneth it not. For to him that owneth it not it is an Opportunity of Absent Mindedness, and to him that owneth it it is a reminder that Eternal Vigilance must be added to Sixteen Dollars as the price of a Panama Hat that one shall keep. The process of being in love is Intelligible if not Intelligent; but there is a distinction between being in Love as the two young people concerned experi- ence it and the appearance of the same experience in the eyes of other people. There was once a wise man named Immanuel Kant who taught that the conduct of every man should be such that all men might profitably do like- wise. But when all other men wipe their hands and faces on the Outside of a Roller Towel, then do I use the Inside. THE RECOIL There came to me a man who is my neighbor, and he said, Browning is a genius. And I said, He wrote some great poetry. And my friend said, I spake not of the Poet. Neither did I speak of Peter Browning, though he was wont to play great ball. The Browning I refer to is John. OF SAFED THE SAGE 113 And I said, What hath he written? And he answered, He hath written the Doom of Autocracy by means of the Machine Gun. And I said, There have been Machine Guns this long time. And he said, Yea, but this is a New Principle. Didst thou ever shoot? And I answered, In my youth I could Shoot rather better than Moderately Well. And he said, Dost thou know about the Kick of a Gun? And I answered, In the days of the Civil War the Government of Belgium sold to this nation cer- tain old muskets till the armories in this land could make Springfield and Enfield rifles. In my boyhood I once owned a Belgian musket, and if I had been consulted then, I should have said that Belgium deserved all that the Kaiser hath done to it. And he said, John Browning hath measured the Kick of a gun, and utilized it in providing power for the reload. Therefore have we the best and most rapid firing machine guns.. And I spake to my friend, and I said, When this Cruel War is over, then shall I move that John, Browning be made chairman of a committee to utilize the energy of all Kickers. For there is a whole lot of Kicking that serveth no present good, and if it cannot be stopped it should be utilized. 114 THE WIT AND WISDOM And my friend said, If Browning can do that, he will do better than write a Poem that few people understand, and almost as well as he shall do if he licketh the Kaiser. CONCERNING EXTREMES There came unto me a man who said, Thou art a man of Blood. For when the War was on, thou verily didst pray for the Armies and the Navies. And thy sons did go to War and thou didst wear a Service Pin with Three or Four Stars. The Blood of men is upon thy hands. And with many like words did he speak unto me. And I said unto him, I like not a man who is Lukewarm, but one who is Hot or Cold. And he said, There is nothing Lukewarm about me. And I answered, Thou hast well said. Neverthe- less, we live in a world wherein Extremes Meet, and the Mean Result of Two Extremes of Hot and Cold is Lukewarm. And a Freeze is one with a Scald. And he said, I know not what thou art talking about. And I said, Thou art a Pacifist, but thou art a Vindictive Fighter, and thy Pacifism doth Camou- Aage thy Militarism. And I said, In this world of Extremes I have OF SAFED THE SAGE 115 known lecturers on Personal Purity to be run into court by the Cop for doing the things they lectured against, and I have seen Temperance Lecturers tak- ing the Keeley Cure, and I behold Pacifists smelling the Battle afar and hitting every head in sight. Thus do men take into their own system the very evils which they oppose. Thou dost Skim the Pot and Lick the Ladle. And I said unto him, I am a man of Peace, who will have peace though he fight for it. Thou art a man of Strife, and will have war though thou be- come a Pacifist to obtain it. And I said, It grieveth me to the heart that in this world children of the same God do fight and devour one another, and I have no ill words for any lover of peace. But let the lover of peace pursue peace, and let him not with his tongue stir up strife which other men must settle with the sword. OUT AND IN There came to see me a man from another city, and it is a Goodly City. And it lieth toward the Rising of the Sun. And I met him on the Threshold of my House. And he said, Doth Safed the Sage live here? And I told him that it would do him no good to seek farther. 116 THE WIT AND WISDOM And he said, I have read of thee, and I had busi- ness out here, and I have come to see thee. And I asked him, Where didst thou say thou hadst business? And he said, I have business in thy city. And I said, I understood thee to say that thou didst have Business Out Here. And he said, I believe I did say so. In the city where I live, if a man come toward this point of the Compass, he speaketh of it as Out. And I said, That form of speech showeth an Un- fortunate Mental Attitude. And he said, It is only a Form of Speech. And I said, Nay, it is a Trait of Mind. The Chinese do teach in their Schools a science called Geography, wherein China is shown as the Middle Kingdom, with all other nations Outside, so that whithersoever a Chinaman goeth, he goeth Out, and whosover cometh to China, he cometh In. It is more than a Forin of Speech; it is a Mental Habit, and a Bad One. And I said, God's sun knoweth no Out or In any- · where in the Temperate Zone, for every land hath its Morning and Noon and Night. He who thinketh of himself as going Out when he goeth to another city shutteth his Soul against some possibility of Instruction. And he said, I do not think it is so bad as that. I20 THE WIT AND WISDOM THE TWO INN KEEPERS There was in the olden time a city where two Inns stood the one over against the other. And each of them did advertise a Room and a Bath for a Dollar and a Half. Now the High Cost of Living did hit that town, and the Cost of Operating an Inn did increase. And one of the Inn Keepers said within himself, I must needs mark up my Prices, but I fear the Competi- tion of my Competitor. And he marked up his rooms to Two Dollars. And he skimped on his Linen, and he put but one Cake of Soap in the room, which had to serve both the Washbowl and the Tub. For he said, We must Hooverize. But the Other Considered, and said within Him- self, When the Elevator starteth up, why stop at the Mezzanine? But we must make it up in service. Therefore did he buy a better quality of Soap, which cost him One Cent Extra for each Cake. And he put Two Cakes in each room. Likewise did he invest another Cent in a Portable Wash Rag for every guest to drop in his bag along with one of the two cakes of Soap. And all the Traveling Publick, which knoweth a Good Thing When it seeth the same, did go to his Inn. And he charged them Two Fifty and Up. 122 THE WIT AND WISDOM Shekel Hotel that had just been opened, which people of wealth did inhabit, and he said, I have rented the great room next door, and therein will I open a Cheap but attractive Restaurant. And I said, Thou wilt surely lose all thy money. But he did as he had said that he would do. And he furnished a good meal at about the price which the Waiters next door expected as a Tip. And it came to pass that all the High Toned Guests who came to town and registered at the Hotel, and wrote their letters on its Stationery- they did buy every man his meals at the Restaurant of my friend. Then did my friend prosper, and he paid me back my hundred shekels with usury. And besides this did he serve me now and then a Good Square Meal and took no silver therefor. And he went from city to city, and wherever a great hotel was builded, there did he put in a Cheap Restaurant. And he now hath great Wealth. And I considered the matter, and I remembered that the man who spendeth his money for one thing doth not have it to spend for another. And this is what wise men have called The Law of Compensa- tion. OF SAFED THE SAGE 123 GOLF BALL AND EARTHQUAKE There came one to me and said, O Safed, I am told that thou art a wise man and also a righteous man. And I answered, The two are not wholly incom- patible; if men say such things concerning me I must be the more unmindful of my folly and my unworthiness. And he said, Dost thou believe in the power of prayer? Forasmuch as he knew very well what I believed, I answered him as I answer men when I desire that they shall make the Next Move. And I said unto him, Whether thou hast come to be enlightened, or hast come to enlighten me, say on, for the sunlight is scarce. And he said, I believe that God answereth every true prayer. Dost thou so believe? And I answered, Yea; and sometimes He answer- eth Yea, and sometimes He answereth Nay. And he said, There is no Nay with the Almighty when the prayer of faith is answered. And I said, It is well that all men pray, and that they pray the prayer of faith. But the prayer of faith is still the prayer of human understanding; and although the faith be perfect, the wisdom may be scant. Wherefore, if God must needs say Yea to 124 THE WIT AND WISDOM every fool prayer, then would I desire to move into Some Other Universe. For I do verily believe that God doth not loan his Rubber Stamp to every strong-faithed and weak-minded Christian. And he said, Cannot God turn our folly into wisdom? And I answered, God can do everything that denieth not his own nature and that involveth no contradiction of terms. But some things that God can do, God is too good and too wise to do, even though all the foolish Christians on earth do tease Him. And I said, There was a great game of Golf, wherein the two players came to the Eighteenth Hole with an even score. And one struck with his Putter and knocked the ball so that it stopped just at the edge of the Hole. And the other took his Putter and lifted it that he might Put, when there came a very small Earthquake, and the ball of the other player Rolled In. And the question was Much Discussed whether he did thereby win the game. And they who were wise in matters of Golf decided that a player may not Shake the Earth in order to Jar his Ball into the Hole. And they gave the Game unto the other man. And I said, So is it with God. He hath placed this Earth on the Tee, and hath knocked it over a Rocky Course of Eighteen Holes with an hundred 126 THE WIT AND WISDOM And she said, O Safed, dost thou not know some Philter, which I may cunningly concoct and give to him, that he may Partake Thereof and Love me Like he Used to? And I answered, I know a Potent Love Potion, and I can impart it to thee. And she said, O Safed, Deceive me not, neither keep me Waiting! And I said, This is the Potion. Go thou to the Market, and there get thee a Beefsteak An Inch Thick, and be sure that it is Tender. Rub it gently with an Onion, and put it in the Broiler, and be sure that the Broiler is Hot. Place it over an Hot Fire and Cook it upon the one side: then turn thou it and Cook it upon the Other Side. And be sure thou cook it Quickly that thou cook the Juice into it and not out. And she said, I will tell the Maid to do it so. And I said, Nay, but do it with thine own hands. And she said, Is that all ? And I said, Sprinkle it lightly with salt, and yet more lightly with Pepper; and place on the top thereof a Good Big Lump of Butter. And take thou a Great Potato, and Bake it with the Cover on; and when it is baked, open it upon the Top Side, and put therein a Lump of Butter, and some Salt, and sprinkle the edges with Red Paprika. And bake the Potato first that thy Steak cool not while it