11445, 58,2 A ARVARD COLLEGE LIBRARY VERTI 223.833333333333333 TAS POCMCNCNCNCNCMENENanesos FROM THE LIBRARY OF OL MRS. ELLEN HAVEN ROSS OF BOSTON RECEIVED JUNE 28, 1938 OTCOOLOOCQCOCOTCOV WD.APPLETON & C94 Nyt ETTES PUNCHS MILLIMI 200 UMU VIVI Pocket Book OF NUN, ROLULILI BUBBLERLUUND TITELINE IMUR M MVUURERS 101 ni 24NewYork NERD.APPLETON & COMPANY.IT PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. THE ESSENCE OF PUNCH. BEING CUTS AND CUTTINGS FROM THE WIT AND WISDOM OF TWENTY-FIVE VOLUMES OF PUNCH. Yllustrated with 75 Engrabings, BY S. P. AVERY, FROM DRAWINGS BY JOHN LEECH, TENNIEL, DOYLE, CRUICKSHANKS AND OTHERS. NEW YOKK: D. APPLETON AND COMPANY. 1857. AT PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. CONTENTS. PAGE 11 ... 147 ... 149 49 1 V 1 0 . . . . . . . . . . 8 PAGE the most behind the Scenes..... The Fruits of Matrimony... the final l'arens to Know ...... 72 The Surgeon's Wind ..... 148 The Sink Bachelor ............... 78 What happened to Smith....... Ramifina ftor # 11appy New Year ... 76 Keep your Temper...... A Chimnley A fer"... 77 Things which no Young Lady ever The mw of troinestie Storms... 78 does if she can help it .. try and langevity ........... 83 Recreations in Natural History ... 150 hallarde Itacolution... 88 A Pretty Scale of Prices.. ces.......... Anna frusen the Life of an Unpro The Steam Annihilator.......... 84 Another "Height of Impudence". Mit Model LAW ........... 90 Birthday Present ................ A fining invitation ......... 92 A Con from the Shakspearian Clown Alvik to the fair Mex........ Poetry of Nature................ 154 Ah ( troverb Improved...... Burglary and Bronchitis Prevented 155 Batik Keeping 'l'aught in One Les A Definition of Cant A Moral for the Months ..... .... 1 the first of Neptember ..... 93 The Poorest Platitudes. Avarily of the Hanson.. 98 | Things that it's Better to Do... the try of Naturo......... 98 Diplomacy..............: Inty Market and Witty Intelli The Learned Language of Flowers 94 Gorgeous Spectacle.... The Converention of flowers..... 96 Contentment ....... A LA ve Menge of the Money Market 97 Mr. Right.............. . 165 99 The Teacher Taught ....... .... 168 An kalreine Tent ................ 101 Advice by an Undertaker...... 163 Rune Olmetlone to a Wife ........ 102 | The Philosophy of Smoking .... Frente (latinants for Borodom... 104 Stanzas for the Sentimental....... 169 Thelderinly for l'arenta, 4 Three things Modern Young Men The Alat Christinas ... 8 Cultivate ....... Whion (trou may be taken Modici. Comfort for the Corpulent........ holly... ................ 108A Conversation in a Lodging House I'll play for the Turf .......... 109 Overheard on the Staircase ...., Nura ytoptoms of Christmas ..... 110 What shall I do with my Money?. Tvilleront l'hason of Fooling ....... 112 Espouse in Haste, and Repent at I'ropriety in Dron............... 112 Leisure.................. ... 170 'T'he l'ulot ol of l'rivnto Lifo...... 118Hatophobia ................ ... 171 I'mtarfainillas at the Mon-Sido ..... 1 8 The Latest from America... I'rofunditje .................. 120 Punch's Pot-Pourri Pour Rire... Mr. l'unch's landbook to Astrol Use and Abuse.. 122 On Tight Lacing .. Courage in the Omnino pecles.... 125 Crinoline's Raging Fury ...... The llome of the British Drama.. 125 A Fallacy for the Faculties .......1 Cold in the lend. ............... 126 |Love in Low Life ............ A Reflection on Literaturo ....... 182 A Veil............... Irish Development.......... 182 Pretty Little Thought: : l'hilosophical Drama ...... 188 The Works and Sayings of Anon.. 184 A Ten-Totaller's Wish .... | Your Literary Women .. 187 Domestic Recipes ........ .. 186 | Where are the Police...... ...... 188 1 False Hairs and Graces.. 187 | Words! Words! Words! ......... 188 Kindred Quacks...... 188 The Oldest Note of Interrogation. 188 Babyolatry .. 141 " Breaches of Decorum".. What is a Baby !.. 143 Answers to Conundrums ... The fine old English 144 | How to see the Teeth of a beauti- Quite Natural ......... 145 ful Young Lady.... World's Opinion...... 145 Punch and his Pippins . veil on Duelling ... ..... 146 Experience .............. • 175 ... 177 ... 173 ...... 1 185 188 CONTENTS. ରିଶ ଶ ଶ 192 193 218 A Lazy Horse...... : PAGE PAGE To Parents and Guardians ........ 191 | Tale of the Dog-Days ..... 211 How to Weed your Friends .... 191 Lines Drawn in a Circle .......... Prize (Fighting) Joke .... 191 Not to be Fathomed ........ Stanzas for the Sentimental....... 192 The Cloak of Religion......... Don't Say Neigh................. The Chemistry of Common Domes- Getting Drunk with a Purpose... 193 tic Life................ 214 Hint to Mischief-Makers.... | A Devouring Flame.... 216 A Flight of Fancy.......... 194 | “Ladies can, we know," .. 216 A Monster in Human Form .. 194 Surly Sentiments .... 217 Faithful even in Affliction. 194 Life a Library ..... Niobe for a Better Half . 194 The Philosopher and the Fly ..... 219 Sweets to the Sweet......... 194 Ambition.................... 219 194 A Poor Delicate Creature ...... 221 The Mahogany Speaker ...... 195 The Art of Conversation.......... 224 How to be an Early Bird..... 202 People I should Like to Meet..... Love's Increase .................. 203 Is Man a Free Agent!............ How to Cook your Dinner without Etiquette for Evening Parties .... Coals, Gas, or Fuel............. 203 The Swoop of the Night Hawk ... 232 Curious Chinese Definition .. 203 Earth and Water.. 284 Ruins. 208 Is it so?...... 234 Bad Thoughts... Two things rather Difficultato be 205 Done at once... 284 Thumbnail Portraits ... 206 The Greatest Trial of Patience.... 234 Homeopathy .......... 207 Lessons for Old and Young ....... 235 Platitudes ............. 208 An Invariable Rule ..., ......... 236 Hemp to its best Use... ..... 208 Too Horrible to Contemplate..... A Tragedy in London Life.... 209 How sometimes to Prove an Alibi. 286 Transparencies................... 210 / Wholesome Superstitions......... 287 225 226 229 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. MR. PUNCH IN CHINA. INCE each gobe-mouche is speak- ing of Nanking or Peking, And as each critic, wit, or pro- fessional diner, . Explains that you can't choose but see that the Mantchews Must soon be entirely driven from China, And that a high price on our Pekoe and Hyson Must be the infallible end of the clatter, Mr. Punch, who's a strong goût for Souchong and Congou Determines to go and see what is the matter. It boots not to say how he goes; for to-day Young and old, grave and gay, so affect locomotion, That the press every hour produces a shower Of“ Rough Notes of a Slide on the Great Frozen Ocean," Or “A Midsummer's Ramble from Stamford to Stambol;" PUNCH’S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. THE ESSENCE OF PUNCH. BEING CUTS AND CUTTINGS FROM THE WIT AND WISDOM OF TWENTY-FIVE VOLUMES OF PUNCH. Ylustrated with 75 Engrabings, BY S. P. AVERY, FROM DRAWINGS BY JOHN LEECH, TENNIEL, DOYLE, CRUICKSHANKS AND OTHERS. NEW YOKK: D. APPLETON AND COMPANY. 1857. 11 h 44.5, 56,2 HARVARD COLLEGE U13RARY FROM THE LIBRARY OF MRS. ELLEN HAVEN ROSS JUNE 28, 1938 39.13 38 SNO PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. OONTENTS. Hole...nie Delicacy costotaller.. 17 PAGE PAGE Mr. Punch in China............... .. 9 The Secret of Youth..... Domestic Economy... .. 14 The Fox and the Grapes........... Antiquities on the shortest Notice. 14 Shabby Ingratitude............. Wholesome Prejudice......... . 15 Proverbial Philosophy ..... Knowledge ....................... 15 A few Sayings founded on “ Doings" 48 The Most Curious Thing .......... 15 An Example to Young Ladies... Things that you never can, by any Little Facts worth Knowing...... Accident, get & Lady (be she " Ordered to lie upon the Table”.. young or old) to Confess to ..... 16 Rude and Crude Observations .. Extremes...... 16 Old Lady and Juvenile .. A Voice from the Stomach ........ 17 A Drop in the Eye.............. A Flower from a Lover's Button. Net Profit........................ 17 Household Songs, -The Tea Service 17 | The Confession of a Fond Mother.. Vulgar Definition of a Teetotaller.. 17 The Electric Story-teller .......... Spirit Rapping ..... 18 Dressing in America........ Confessions of a Spirit-Rapping Me- Rules for Self-government.... dium ..... 19 “Lud a' mercy! How Pretty The best Partners... 21 How Women Veil the Truth The Shortest Act on Record..... 21 Fresh from America......... The Young Lady's Dream Book... 22 A Journey without End..... The lost Mutton................ 28 Character of an Habitual Sot... A Happy Inspiration... The " Manifold Writer"........ Nelson Vindicated ..... Filling up the Census Paper .... "The Monumental Bust 30 The Art of Performing .... A Soporific ................... The Tyranny of Furniture....... A Fertility Well-grounded ...... The two Extremes of Fashion... How to make Friends Happy...... 31 Birds--Not of a Feather.. A Matrimonial Alliance ........... 33 The East Wind .... The Crush at the Queen's Drawing An Art-Truth...... room .... 84 Gentle Satires ..... Short Lecture to Young Ladies.... 85 The Secret of Popularity A Roman Nose pat out of Joint ... 85 | How are Promises made Fast?... Curious Chinese Definitions of WO The Poetical Cookery Book ....... man ........................... 86 Health ........................... The World's Verdict .. An Unmanly Assault on Bonnets .. ...***! Evils Attendant on Wealth..... 86 A Sweet Sentiment .......... Sentimentalities ....... “It's all Right" .... ...... A Case of Chloroform .. An Unknown Benefactor.... A Phenomenon ...... Happiness ..... Fast Nursery Rhymes...... Good News from the Kitchen.... A Little Lectura addressed to my Contracting Bad Habits .... Dears..... 40 The Handsome Young Clergyman. She-Doctoring ... 43 Stray Shot...... 30 Fillibart of Petof Furnitrashion. Vi CONTENTS. 160 PAGE • PAGE The Laugh behind the Scenes..... 71 The Fruits of Matrimony......... The Best Persons to Know ....... 72 The Surgeon's Wind .... 148 The Sick Bachelor ... 73 What happened to Smith......... 149 Recipes for a Happy New Year 76 Keep your Temper............... 149 “A Chimley A-t-er". Things which no Young Lady ever The Law of Domestic Storms..... 78 does if she can help it .. Lunacy and Longevity... 83 Recreations in Natural History ... 150 She-Heroic Resolution........... A Pretty Scale of Prices.......... 153 Scenes from the Life of an Unpro The Steam Annihilator........... 153 tected Female ..... 84 Another “Height of Impudence". 153 Maine Model Law.... 0 Birthday Present ........ 154 A Fitting Invitation.... 92 A Con from the Shakspearian Clown 154 Advice to the Fair Sex........ 92 Poetry of Nature.. 154 An Old Proverb Improved...... 92 Burglary and Bronchitis Prevented 155 Book-Keeping Taught in One Les A Definition of Cant ............. 156 son........ 92 A Moral for the Months .......... 157 The First of September .. 93 The Poorest Platitudes........... 159 Severity of the Season. Things that it's Better to Do...... 159 The Poetry of Nature....... Diplomacy....................... 159 Funny Market and Witty Intelli The Learned Language of Flowers gence.......................... Gorgeous Spectacle.... 164 The Conversation of Flowers..... 96 Contentment ......... . 164 A Love Song of the Money-Market 97 Mr. Right........... 165 Punch on Cricket. 99 The Teacher Taught 168 An Extreme Test ...... 101 Advice by an Undertaker.. . 168 Rude Questions to a Wife ........ 102 The Philosophy of Smoking ...... 168 Female Claimants for Boredom... 104 Stanzas for the Sentimental....... 169 Taxidermy for Parents ............ 104 Three things Modern Young Men The Shops at Christmas .......... 105 Cultivate ............ ......... 169 When Grog may be taken Medici Comfort for the Corpulent........ 169 nally...... ...... 108 A Conversation in a Lodging House Philosophy for the Turf .......... 109 Overheard on the Staircase ..... Sure Symptoms of Christmas ..... 110 What shall I do with my Money?. 1 Different Phases of Feeling ....... 112 Espouse in Haste, and Repent at Propriety in Dress ...... 112 Leisure................... ...... 170 The Protocol of Private Life... 113 Hatophobia .... ... 171 Paterfamilias at the Sea-Side .... 118 The Latest from America. Profundities .... 120 Punch's Pot-Pourri Pour Rire.. Mr. Panch's Handbook to Astrol. Use and Abuse................... 177 ogy .......... 122 On Tight Lacing ..... Courage in the Canine Species.... 125 Crinoline's Raging Fury..... 181 The Home of the British Drama.. 125 A Fallacy for the Faculties ....... 183 Cold in the Head..... 126 Love in Low Life ................ 183 A Reflection on Literature 82 A Veil.................... 183 Irish Development.. 132 Pretty Little Thought..... 183 Philosophical Drama .. 133 The Works and Sayings of Anon.. 184 A Tea-Totaller's Wish Your Literary Women . 187 Domestic Recipes .. Where are the Police.. 188 False Hairs and Graces... ... 137 Words! Words! Words!.........) Kindred Quacks.. ..... 138 The Oldest Note of Interrogation, 188 Babyolatry ......... ....... 141 “ Breaches of Decorum"..........1 What is a Baby?. ...... 143 | Answers to Conundrums ......... 189 The fine old English Innkeeper... 144 How to see the Teeth of & beauti- Quite Natural..... .... 145 ful Young Lady ...... ...... 189 The World's Opinion............. 145 Punch and his Pippins .......... Doggrel on Duelling ............. 146' Experience ........... 104 Thrultivate the corpodging UPUOUI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ., 175 185 136 ... 190 CONTENTS. vii 212 213 :....., 218 216 216 PAGE PAGE To Parents and Guardians ........ 191 | Tale of the Dog-Days 211 How to Weed your Friends ...... 191 | Lines Drawn in a Circle .... Prize (Fighting) Joke ............ 191 Not to be Fathomed .......... Stanzas for the Sentimental....... 192 The Cloak of Religion........... Don't Say Neigh................. . 192 The Chemistry of Common Domes- Getting Drunk with a Purpose.... 193 tic Life...................... 214 Hint to Mischief-Makers.......... 193 | A Devouring Flame.... A Flight of Fancy................ 194 “Ladies can, we know A Monster in Human Form .. 194 Surly Sentiments .... 217 Faithful even in Affliction. ... 194 Life a Library ...... 218 Niobe for a Better Half .. The Philosopher and the Fly .. 219 Sweets to the Sweet. ... 194 Ambition..... 219 A Lazy Horse.... .. 194 A Poor Delicate Creature ..... 221 The Mahogany Speaker .... 195 The Art of Conversation...... 224 How to be an Early Bird...... 2 People I should Like to Meet... 225 Love's Increase .................. 203 Is Man a Free Agent?............ 226 How to Cook your Dinner without Etiquette for Evening Parties .... 229 Coals, Gas, or Fuel............ The Swoop of the Night Hawk ... 232 Curious Chinese Definition ...... 203 Earth and Water......... 234 Ruins .................. 203 234 Bad Thoughts...... Two things rather Difficult to be A Song .... 205 Done at once....... Thumbnail Portraits . 206 The Greatest Trial of Patience.... 234 Homeopathy ....... 207 Lessons for Old and Young ....... 235 Platitudes ............... 208 An Invariable Rule ............... 236 Hemp to its best Use..... 208 i Too Horrible to Contemplate..... 286 A Tragedy in London Life.. 209 How sometimes to Prove an Alibi. 286 Transparencies... 210 / Wholesome Superstitions......... 237 Is it so?......:: Dificult to be 204 234 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. MR. PUNCH IN CHINA. INCE each gobe-mouche is speak- ing of Nanking or Peking, And as each critic, wit, or pro- fessional diner, Explains that .you can't choose but see that the Mantchews Must soon be entirely driven from China, And that a high price on our Pekoe and Hyson Must be the infallible end of the clatter, Mr. Punch, who's a strong goût for Souchong and Congou Determines to go and see what is the matter. It boots not to say how he goes; for to-day Young and old, grave and gay, so affect locomotion, That the press every hour produces a shower Of“ Rough Notes of a Slide on the Great Frozen Ocean," Or “A Midsummer's Ramble from Stamford to Stambol;" 10 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. Or “ The Steppes of the Cossacks, by one who has walked in 'em ;' And I'm sure that whate'er Mr. Punch's plans were, If these tourists could prosper, he wouldn't be baulked in 'em. Like the witches, perchance, he might choose to advance, And so order his coachman to bring out his brouham; Or ask Phebus to lead forth that spirited steed, Which is furnished, in turn, by each Muse, with a groom: But, however, we'll fancy him safely in Quansi, · Or Quantong, where, taking his place 'mid the great, he, Like any philandering son of a mandarin, Sits enjoying his opium cum dignitate. Rich and stately pagodas he finds on the road, as He goes through the land, for the most part erected, When the smallest house-tax on Gaul, Briton, or Saxon, Would have stood not the least chance of being collected. Wide canals, dykes, and sluices he sees, too, whose uses Were applied both to traffic, to drainage, and tillage, When a hard rain had undone both Paris and London, To the mud they were made of restoring each village. And they show him the pages of China's first sages, Which were printed for sale in the towns of the Tartar; When, with us, scarce a spark of wit gleamed in one clerk, And DE MONTFORT“ his mark" set to our Magna Charta. They declare, too, that banking quite flourished in Nan- king, And that printed bank notes were in vogue at the hour When our yeomen and reeves exchanged bannocks for beeves, PUNCA'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 11 And seldom bought less than a sheep's worth of four. And he learns their silk factories furnished phylacteries, Robes, handkerchiefs, tapestry too, in the jolly days When our sires wore a quaint but light coat of blue paint, With a few streaks of red upon high days and holidays : And that long, long ere Bacon and BUNGAY were taken Unawares by the sudden blow up of their crucible, Each Chinese fire-eater had found“ vile saltpetre” To the purpose of killing “ tall fellows” reducible. Then the more he inquires concerning their sires, The greater the reason he sees to anticipate That much of the mystery shrouding the history Of Europe, the records of China will dissipate ; For as old HOANG Tı built the wall, strong and high, To check the fierce Huns as it now checks the Tartars, Not long after old HANNIBAL conquered at Canna, And then wasted his time in his snug winter quarters ; And as if China's sons had not driven those Huns Into Europe by many a subsequent battle, a Longer respite, I ween, for old Rome there had been, Nor Europe so early had bowed to an ATTILA. It is clear that a stranger and far greater danger Threatened Rome when on Carthage her wrath she was wreaking; And that Cato the Censor had shown greater sense, or Discernment, by crying “ Delenda est Peking !” But alas ! all these stories of China's old glories, Mr. Punch plainly sees it is vain to recall, Since the course of the nation in civilization Has for ages been typified best by its wall. 12 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. No more, like his sires, the Chinese aspires In science and art to be making some new step; But the national skill, like a soldier on drill, Keeps performing a kind of perpetual goose-step. For the vast population, the hand cultivation Of the still fertile country no longer suffices ; Though to drain swamps they toil, and to carry up soil To the rocky hill sides, no unfrequent device is. And, on seeing their dainties, poor Punch fit to faint is, As he cries, “Nought but famine gives such things a price!” “Rats and mice, and such small deer,” snakes and pup- pies are all dear, As helping to eke out their pittance of rice. Now whilst thus his quick wit is on their antiquities Busy as that of a LAYARD or BONOMI; Or, like that of M'Culloch, of pig, sheep, and bullock, Rice and tea, is discussing the social economy, There springs up a great riot near, and the patriot Army comes marching along in its pride ; Crying out as they go, “ We are hostile to Fô !” They fling down the josses on every side, And smash, in their scrimmages, all BUDDHA's images, Whilst a new-fangled creed by their chiefs is propounded, Which they call Christianity; though, when Punch comes to scan it, he Finds it is but CONFUCIUS his creed “worse confounded.” Now, in hamlet or city, all quarter or pity To their long-hated rulers the natives refuse; “Peacock's plumes" and "Red buttons " are nought but lost muttons, PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 13 Whilst impatient his badges of serfdom to lose, Each Chinese without fail parts his head from his tail, And henceforth minds his toupées instead of his queues. Mr. Punch—whilst applauding their courage, and lauding Their natural wish to recover their freedom- Still thinks that society may with propriety Expect him a brief " screed o' doctrine ” to read 'em. So he summons their leader, and says, “ You indeed err, If you think that this triumph your labor will terminate; When the Mantchews have vanished, there still must be banished Many faults which for ages you've suffered to germinate. Your own gross inhumanity, cunning and vanity, Which still are so great that I cannot ignore 'em, Helped the Mantchews, who knew you right well, to sub- due you, As the Mongols and Khalkas had oft done before 'em. You have broken your chains of to-day with small pains ; But hereafter, if courage and honesty you lack, you Will be conquered once more-like your fathers of yore, By the might of some yet to come KUBLAI or HULAKHU; For the hords of the North are still ripe to burst forth, As oft in their tents the rude minstrel or rhymer Tunes his harp in the praise of those glorious days, When their sires fought bravely for GENGIS or TIMUR. To conclude. If you'd thrive, you must earnestly strive To rub out of men's minds the stern dictum of TENNYSON, That 'in Europe one day beats a year in Cathay,' And thereto Punch heartly gives you his benison.” 14 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. DOMESTIC ECONOMY. Lady of the House. My dear, will you allow me to offer you a glass of wine ? Visitor. Thank you—I'm very thirsty—I think I will. Lady of the House (after a slight pause). Have you remarked, my dear, how the young men of the present day waste their wine ? I'm sure they leave in their glasses just as much as they drink—and do you know, my dear, Mr. SKINFLINT always goes round after a party, and col- lects the wine-glasses together, and it's perfectly astonish- ing the quantity he finds in them. Visitor (having just finished her glass). Ye-ee-es. Lady of the House. Yes, my dear, it's a positive fact-and I know you will hardly believe it—but some- times, after a large evening party, he has been able to put away as many as three large decanters full ! [Visitor turns pale, and recollects, all of a sudden, that she has a pressing call to make in the next street.] ANTIQUITIES ON THE SHORTEST NOTICE. SCENE.—A Celebrated Curiosity-Shop. Antiquarian. What's the price of that mummy? Old Curiosity Man. That mummy, Sir,-two thousand years old—why, Sir, the very lowest we could take for that mummy, Sir, is a five pun' note. Antiquarian. Oh nonsense. I'll give you two pounds ten for it. Old Curiosity Man. Very sorry, Sir, but can assure you, Sir, it never was made for the money! PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 15 V WHOLESOME PREJUDICE. “RAILROADS, SIB? I HATE RAILROADS, AND I SHALL BE VERY GLAD WHEN THEY'RE DONE AWAY WITH, AND WE'VE GOT THE COACHES AGAIN." KNOWLEDGE.—The offspring of Thought, but much of- tener an Adopted Child. . The Most CURIOUS THING.-A woman not being curi. ous ! PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. THINGS THAT YOU NEVER CAN, BY ANY ACCIDENT, GET A LADY (BE SHE YOUNG OR OLD) TO CONFESS TO. That she laces tight! That her shoes are too small for her! That she is ever tired at a ball ! That she paints ! That she is as old as she looks! That she has been more than five minutes dressing ! That she has kept you waiting! That she blushed when a certain person's name was mentioned ! That she ever says a thing she doesn't mean ! That she is fond of scandal ! That she-she of all persons in the world—is in love! That she can't keep a secret! That she doesn't want a new bonnet! That she can do with one single thing less when she is about to travel ! That she hasn't the disposition of an angel, or the tem- per of a saint-or else how could she go through one-half of what she does ? That she doesn't know better than any one else what is best for her! That she is a flirt, or a coquette !! That she is ever in the wrong !!! EXTREMES.—Many a fool has passed for a clever man, because he has known how to hold his tongue; and many a clever man has passed for a fool because he has not known how to make use of it. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 17 A VOICE FROM THE STOMACH. SOMEBODY recommends what he calls a “voice loz- enge,” which, it is asserted, gives “tone to the stomach.” This must be very convenient to singers; for anything which gives “tone to the stomach” must add to the usual advantage of a voce di petto, a regular voce di ventre, which would be hailed anywhere as a decided novelty. A stomach with a tone to it must be equal to a barrel organ, and would furnish to a vocalist the means of accom- panying himself without being dependent on any external instrument. We can understand the stomach of a cat having a tone, for it is the source whence we derive all our fiddle-strings; but the human stomach with a tone to it, is a phenomenon which ought to make the lozenge that produces it univer- sally popular. A FLOWER FROM A LOVER'S BUTTON-HOLE.-A lady's cheek is described as the poetical abode of the Rose; but we are not told what kind of a rose. When an ardent lover steals a kiss, we suppose it is a “ Cabbage-Rose !! QUESTIONABLE DELICACY.-A conscientious clerk re- fused a valuable situation under the Electric Telegraph Company, because he did not like accepting “ a post, where he was a responsible agent, with unlimited li(e)-ability." VULGAR DEFINITION OF A TEETOTALLER.—A Drunk- ard convinced against his (8)will. PUNCA'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. CONFESSIONS OF A SPIRIT-RAPPING MEDIUM. It was about the middle of February, when I had paid no rent for nine months, no taxes for six, and no trades- men for three, that I first began to hear a series of rap- pings of a most persevering character. To account for those rappings was extremely difficult, and I made no at- tempt to answer them, for I knew it would be quite use- less as I had not a rap in the house. At length it occurred to me, that though I could not answer the rappings, they might in some way be got to answer me; and as my whole life had been of a rather questionable nature, I resolved on trying the experiment. I was sitting alone about the middle of March, when I thought I heard a rapping, which soon became very vio- lent, at the outer door. Having heard some talk of the spirit rappers, I determined to try and find out whether the rappings which were so frequent at my house could have anything to do with the phenomena alluded to. Hav- ing lighted my pipe, I began to ask myself the question, “ Can that be a creditor ? ” when there immediately came a very loud “rap.” As the spirits, I am told, an. swer by a “rap” when they intend to express an affirma- tive and give no sign when they mean to imply a negative, I made sure there was a creditor at the door. “Is he alone ?" I asked. No answer! “ Were they all cred. itors who have been rapping during the last few weeks ?” I inquired calmly, but there was such a thunder of “raps," lasting for several minutes, that I could not ask myself another question immediately, as I knew I could not have 20 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. heard myself speak. “Has the butcher been here ? ” was my next inquiry, which was answered by several “raps ” in quick succession, but when I hastily added, “ And will he trust me any longer ?” the rapping suddenly but most decidedly ceased. I had read in some American books on the subject that the spirits frequently moved furniture in the most eccen- tric manner. I determined therefore to choose the dark. est hour of the night to see whether it would be possible to get my furniture moved by the aid of such spirits as I might be able to command. I got a poor fellow who kept a truck to come to me, and intending to make him a “me- dium,” I brought him into communication with all the “spirits” I could get together, but the “ medium ” I had chosen was quite unable to preserve a happy “ medium," and the “spirits," having taken complete possession of him, began to throw him about in the most mischievous manner that can be conceived. They bumped him up against the wall, and when he tried to lift a table under their influ. ence, they threw him down on the top of it. While this was going on, the rappings became so violent that I, who was pretty well used to them, became alarmed ; and es- pecially when I heard something like the forcing open of a door, which made me apprehend that there was some frightful “ process,” perhaps a writ or a summons, with which the rappers intended to serve me out or rather at home-if they could get hold of me. Seizing the first friendly wrapper-a Macintosh—that I could lay my hands upon, I made my way out by a back door, and did not return till the day following. When I came back to PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 21 my dwelling I became convinced in the most unpleasant manner that the « rappers” can really do what the Amer- icans attribute to them. I had been told that in the Uni- ted States there are “rappers” who have positively writ- ten with pen and ink, as well as moved furniture; and I could not doubt either fact when I found all my furniture had been carried away, and an inventory regularly written out lying on the floor, It was clear that not only was the house haunted by “rappers,” but the furniture had become “possessed” by some evil spirit in the shape of a “man in possession,” who had carried it away. From this time forth the house had become a source of such alarm to me that I left it; but I have been told that the “rappings" still continue as vehement as ever, and some of the “rap- pers” who possess the power of writing have placed a written notice on the door, which I have not ventured near enough to read, but which I have been told conveys an in- timation that they are acting as the "medium ” of the landlord; in whose name they will go upon the premises to take possession of them in a few days. THE BEST PARTNERS. For Whist, the cleverest and most indulgent; for Dancing, the handsomest, and the most amusing; for Business, the steadiest, the wealthiest, and the most at- tentive; and for Marriage—one who combines the qualities of all the Three. THE SHORTEST ACT ON RECORD:—The Act ordaining the Fast, for it was an Act of no provisions at all. 22 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. THE YOUNG LADY'S DREAM BOOK. In compliance with the wish expressed in several hun. dreds of charming and flattering notes, with which a cor- responding number of lady correspondents have been fa. vouring Mr. Punch ever since the Pocket-Book became one of the institutions of our happy country, he has caused to be prepared the following Dreamer's Manual, or Com- plete and Faithful Exposition of Dreams and Visions. It has been carefully collated with all the most popular works of the same character, to which it will be found to bear remarkable affinity, and several new dreams have been added by the editors, who arranged express night- mares for this work exclusively, and regardless of indiges- tion. The following pages, into which is concentrated an incredible amount of Dream Lore, will now be the stand- ard authority on the subject, and no lady's dressing-table can be considered as properly furnished unless Mr. Punch's Dream Book reposes between the ring stand and the Eau de Cologne. Aztecs. To dream of these repulsive objects, signifies that you will be exposed to the impertinence of some quack or other. To dream that you kiss the wretched lit- tle creatures implies that you have indeed been reduced to extremities. Ant Eater. To dream that you were taken to see it means that you will soon be invited to dinner with your cousins. The dream is, therefore, good or bad, according to the terms on which you are with your relatives. Adelphi. To dream that you go there is lucky; and PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 23 ul. if you dream that the Green Bushes was performed, it foretells that your life will be an everlasting peace. Brighton. The dream of a visit to, means that your prospects are going to brighten, and that you may set your mind upon a Peer Baby. To dream that you, being single, are affection- ately caressing one in the presence of Frederic, implies that you are a prudent girl, and will ere long meet your reward. Chiswick Fête. To dream of, implies a new bonnet at least. Chobham. To dream of the Camp at, clearly shows that though the captain has forgotten you, your heart is more faithful, which is comforting. Crystal Palace. To dream that you attend the in- auguration of, is a dream you will do well to tease your papa to carry out. If you dream that Sir Joseph Paxton presents you with a bunch of orange-flowers, you will be married in 1854; so mind what you are about, dear. Dancing. To dream that you are, is fortunate, but if in the polka your awkward partner tramples on your toes, or tears your dress, and you only.smile forgivingly, you will have, and deserve, an excellent partner for life.—Ap- ply at 85 Fleet street. Dreams. To dream that you are telling your dreams (unless it is to Mr. Punch), implies that your mind is scarcely so well cultivated as it ought to be, and that the sooner you begin a course of reading, the better for your present or future husband. Engaged. To dream you are, and have lost the ring Frederic gave you, is not of the slightest consequence even PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. tal nose at it, while looking amiable, the remark under the preceding head will do again. Jewelry. To dream that you are covered with, is good, but if you suddenly discover that the jewels are only paste, some Jew is trying to cheat a gentleman who is or will be very dear to you. Kiss. To dream that you have the “ Amazon and the Tiger" presented to you, and that it cannot be got into the drawing-room, predicts an embarrassment which need not be described until the dream occurs then write to us: Letter. To dream that you receive, and that it is crossed and recrossed, means that spills are wanted for the parlor mantel-piece. Mont Blanc. To dream of, means that you are very fond of sweetmeats, especially of Albert Rock. Moustaches. To dream of, if the wearer be under forty, is good. If he be over that age, be warned; he is a traitor of the deepest dye. Married. See Money. Music. To dream you hear. The luck depends on the composer. If Mendelssohn or Auber, you are to be con- gratulated—if Henry Russell or the cats in the next gar- den, the sooner you wake the better. Money. To dream a magnificent young nobleman offers you a bag of, and a wedding-ring, is bad; because probably you will be disappointed. To dream that some- body is teaching you decimals, and making pretty little jokės to you about “scents;" “mille pardons," and so 26 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. forth, with appropriate action, portends that you will tell Frederic not to be so silly. But he will. Name. To dream you cannot remember your, means that you desire to change it, and if for the better, we hope you will. Opera. To dream you visit, and Frederic talks to you all the time, denotes that you and he are very sensible young people, especially if Pietro il grande or Jessonda is being performed. If your bouquet falls over into the pit, and is picked up by a very handsome man, who presses it to his waistcoat, you are a coquette, and we shall tell Frederic. Punch. To dream you see Mr. Punch is the most for- tunate thing, except one (which is actually seeing him), that could happen to you. If he smiles upon you, which, if you are pretty, it is probable he will, look forward to a happy and prosperous life. If he frown, examine your whole conduct, and immediately reform anything likely to displease him. If you are in any doubt as to the subject, write to him frankly, and also legibly. Queen. To dream your queen was taken at chess de- notes that you will soon have a mate. Rudeness. To dream that you have received any, infallibly indicates that you have been in society where you had no business to be, and most likely without your friends knowledge. Rhinoceros. To dream that you are seated in a silver car on the back of a, with Prince Albert holding a brown gingham umbrella over you, and Mr. Harley and the Lord Chancellor strewing sugar-plums in your way, and that PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 27 thus you go riding to St. Paul's to deposit in triumph a golden crochet-hook and a raspberry tart, means that Fred- eric's salary will be raised one-third, that his uncle will furnish the house, and that his dear old mamma will pre- sent you with such a dinner and breakfast service. But you will be very lucky to dream this dream in the exact order required. Sleep. To dream you go to, if before XII, is good. Later, not so good, and denotes that you are allowed to go to too many parties a great deal. Tea. To dream that you make, but can see very few spoons, means that almost all the young men at your next party will be agreeable-probably your mamma has been inviting the writers in Punch. Unicorn. To dream that you are worried by a, de- notes that Frederic will take to the key-bugle, rather to the disturbance of your domestic peace. Veil. To dream you are taking the, means that you will do a sensible thing, when you walk out at Rams- gate, for the sea-breezes, though healthy, make the face a little rough. To dream Cardinal Wiseman offers you one, and that Frederic bonnets his Eminence, denotes that Frederic is also a wise man. Wedding. To dream that you are at your own, and that you cannot manage to utter the word obey, on which Frederic walks out of the church, indicates that fortune is very kind, and gives you a hint which you will do well to consider Xerxes. To dream that you are, and that you are lashing the sea into a foam, denotes that you do not pay PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. sufficient attention to your mamma's instructions about whipping the syllabubs and trifles. Now, as Frederic likes these things—need we say more to a girl who means to make home happy ? Yellow. To dream that you look, denotes that not only Emma Vernon, but even that dowdified Rosanna Brown will have new dresses and mantles at the pic-nic on Tuesday, and you will go in that odious old bonnet. But if the yellow seems to come off, it means that Frederic will take no notice of the bonnet, and will tell you, as you walk away together, to look at some particular view he pretends to recollect, that you look prettier than you ever did in your life. So save your money, there's a good girl, to pay your milli- ner's bill. Zebra. To dream you see, means that Frederic has gone and bought himself such a lovely striped waistcoat, just because you said you liked the pattern. Isn't he a dear? THE LOST MUTTON. A FAMILY GLEE. WHERE is our leg of mutton ? Gone, gone, gone! . Who could have been the glutton That made his meal thereon ? It was the cat; No doubt of that: Jane's sure the fact was so ; For the joint was quite Secure last night, When she went to meet her beau ! PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 29 A HAPPY INSPIRATION. Happy the donkey, free from care, Whom a few prickly thistles bound, Content to breath the rural air In his own pound Happy the hog, remote from noise, Who could no better bliss desire, Than wallowing, far from cruel boys, In his own mire. Happy the lawyer wholly free From conscience, and to pity lost, Whom a few simple clients fee To their own cost. Happy the lawyer's clerk who shines, Of shilling dancing rooms the star, And who to patronize inclines A cheap cigar. Happy the constable who walks About his beat with eager look, And ultimately stops and talks, With his own cook. Happy the cabman who contrives To take a fare to meet a train, And robs the passenger he drives, Who can't complain. 30 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. Happy the poet who indites These sentiments so pure and fine, And gets for everything he writes Twopence a line. NELSON VINDICATED. Among the numerous popular errors that descend from generation to generation is the absurd notion that Nelson was always sea-sick in a Naval engagement. We take leave to deny the preposterous supposition, for we defy anybody suffering from sickness at sea to give an order for anything—except perhaps a glass of brandy and water—which he might accomplish by a convulsive effort. If Nelson had really been sea-sick at the battle of Trafal- gar, his celebrated speech delivered just before going into action would have come down to posterity in the following form :-“ England (here! Steward ! ) expects (a basin!) that every man (Steward, I say ! ) this day will do (Stew- ard ! ) his duty (basin !)” “THE MONUMENTAL BUST."-A Yankee says that the Poet, when he alluded to the “Monumental Bust,” evi- dently meant to imply the “ Crack of Dome !" A SOPORIFIC.—Why is the practice of praising chil. dren like opium ?-Because it's Laudanum. A FERTILITY WELL-GROUNDED.- Periodicals are the dead leaves that fertilize the soil of Literature. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF PUN. 31 HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS HAPPY. Be always ready to minister to the necessities of your friend. He will often want the conceit taken out of him ; and it will become you to do him that kindness. Treat this failing in him, and all his other failings, precisely as if they were your own; that is to say, mortify them. Seize every opportunity of saying things calculated to take him down. You should regard as failings, on the part of your friend, not only his downright whims, caprices, and hu- mors, but likewise all the tastes and inclinations that he has, if he has any in particular. If he possesses a favorite horse, dog or gun, always disparage it. This will tend to wean him from excessive attachment to earthly objects, yourself of course excepted. Sneer at the make of his hunter; question his Newfound- land's breed; insinuate that his original Manton was man- ufactured at Birmingham. It will be just as well to take this line with him if he values these things only a little as if he prizes them much, nay, better, for it particularly annoys a man to have a slight predilection of his magnified into a “hobby," especially by the eyes of a friend, which annoyance is a wholesome mortification of the desire not to seem more ridiculous in the sight of those whom he cares for, than he really is. In like manner, and on the same principle, if there is any one thing which you suspect him to think he does well, let him know continually that you think he does it ill. If he prides himself upon his riding, his driving, or fishing, 32 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. or shooting, make it evident to him that you consider him a cockney. Find fault with his manège, his carriage, his tackle, his style. In case he has any the least idea that his appearance and demeanor are gentlemanlike, give him to understand that in your opinion they are snobbish. Pick holes in his coat and his conduct. Should he ever betray the notion that he possesses any knowledge of the world, impress him with the conviction that he is looked upon by you as a greenhorn. Accordingly pounce upon every mis- take he may fall into, or blunder he may commit, and take advantage of it to suggest to him your sense of his inepti- tude, vulgarity, or imbecility. Avail yourself, moreover, of every circumstance which may afford a pretext for im- puting any kind of vanity to him, which despicable feeling promptly discourage; as, for instance, if he quotes a bit of poetry out of the fulness of his heart, tell him that his recitation is a mistake; if he hums a tune in the excess of his spirits, advise him not to do that because he has no voice. Whenever you hear your friend inveighing against any social or political wrong or injustice, intimate your sus- picion that he does so only because it affects himself. The truth will probably be that it does affect him in some de- gree; and it will vex him to find you exaggerating his slight personal feeling into absolute selfishness. Your friend being irritated by any loss or other misfor- tune in his affairs, do not pursue the soothing system with him, but put down his complaints in a manly way, by argu- ing that they are unfounded, and by ascribing his affliction entirely to his own fault. If he has generally been pru- PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 33 dent, attribute the calamity to his over-caution; if enter- prising, to his recklessness. Whatever line of conduct you observe him to pursue, blame it; so that when any disaster occurs to him, you may be in a position to tell him that it would not have happened if he had taken your advice. In all discussions wherein you may be engaged with him, if a word or action of his own can possibly be referred to either of two motives of opposite character, never fail to impute the meaner and the more foolish. By continually practising these precepts, you will ac- custom your friend to the wholesome discipline of humilia- tion, by making himself feel how small he is in your eyes, which he regards as his own. . In doing him this good and kindly office, however, let not your complacency be dis- turbed by the apprehension that when he winces, the pain he suffers may possibly not be occasioned by your treading on his corns, but by his perception of your wish to tread upon them. A MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCE. FASHIONABLE folks have ceased to marry. Now, ac- cording to Jenkins and his imitators, “ they form a matri- monial alliance ;” upon which, Susan Jane writes to Punch to inquire, " if such an alliance is to be considered offen- sive and defensive ?” Mr. Punch ventures to reply- “offensive, when misfortune or difficulty is to be attacked and overcome; defensive, when sorrow or sickness assails ; and expensive, when certain little parties, whether or not, will join in the compact.” 34 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. . THE CRUSH AT THE QUEEN'S DRAWING-ROOM. SCENE.- A passage in St. James' Palace leading to a flight of stairs, both crowded with Nobility, Gentry, Cler- gy, Foreigners of Distinction, and Female Aris- tocracy. Countess (screams). A...h! Pray be more careful, Sir—do you know that you are running your spur into my ankle ? General Officer. Beg ten thousand pardons, Ma'am- but really the crowd is so-Oh! oh my corn! Judge. Stop, Sir !--my wig !-stop, Sir; I say—you've hitched that star of yours in the curls of my wig. Ambassador. Pardon, milor, je vous demande mille pardons !—but ze kraoude-impossible-s'arrêter. Bishop. My Lady—my Lady-oh, dear, my Lady !- your Ladyship’s brooch has caught me by the sleeves ! Country Gentleman. Hallo, my Lord !--my Lord, I say !—make a little room, can't you ?—you are squeezing this Lady to death. Earl. It's not I that's pushing—it's this gentleman- Baronet. No, it is'nt ! Earl. Yes, it is ! Marchioness. Oh! oh !—I've lost my diamonds. Viscountess. Ah!—my lace—my lace l . Dowager. Ah, drat it! there goes my lappets ! Alderman. The hilt of your sword is in my stomach, Sir—which is not pleasant, Sir. • Sheriff. It is your own fault, Sir ! I'm not to blame, Sir, because your stomach 's in the way, Sir. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 35) American Gentleman. Go a-head, now, you ! Duke. To whom are you speaking, Sir ? American Gent. Wal, I guess I'm talking to a man in the way. Liberal Member. Will you have the kindness to move on, Sir ? Conservative Member. Confound your politics! Noble Lords and Honorable Gentlemen. Oh, oh! Omnes. Oh, oh !-ah!-ah!--oh!-oh dear!-oh my! -mind-don't-now then! Go on! go on there! Hoi ! Hai! Ho! [SCENE closes. SHORT LECTURE TO YOUNG LADIES. Have a good piano, or none. Be sure to have a dread- ful cold when requested to "favor the company." Cry at a wedding. Scream at a spider. Never leave your curl-papers in the drawing-room. Drop your handkerchief when you are going to faint. Mind you are engaged if you don't like your partner. Abjure ringlets on a wet day. It's vulgar to know what there is for dinner. Nuts are bad if you are going to sing. Never see a black coat as long as there is a red one, and always give the prefer- ence to the elder brother. Get married at St. George's, if you can--at all events, get married. A Roman NOSE PUT OUT OF JOINT.-The Roman poet, speaking of man's frailty, says it is “human to err.” But in the case of a man beating his wife, surely that is being “inhuman to her ? " 36 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. CURIOUS CHINESE DEFINITIONS OF WOMAN. HE Strong-Minded Woman is 18 a dragon in a nightcap. The Stupid Woman hatches egg-plums. The Obstinate Woman goes to sea in a bandbox. The Patient Woman roasts an ox with a burning-glass. The Curious Woman would like to turn the rainbow, to see what there was upon the other side. The Vulgar Woman is & spider attempting to spin silk. The Cautious Woman writes her promises on a slate. o The Envious Woman kills herself in endeavoring to lace tighter than her neighbors. The Extravagant Woman burns a wax candle in look- ing for a lucifer match. The Happy Woman died in a Blind, Deaf and Dumb Asylum years ago. THE WORLD'S VERDICT.—In all delicate cases where blame is due, you will generally find the following law acted upon :—the poor man is accused, the rich man is ex. cused. Evils ATTENDANT ON WEALTH.-Attendants. 38 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. El Fast Nursery Rhymes. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 39 FAST NURSERY RHYMES. 1.- Oid Mother Hubbard. . Old Granny Hubbard, She went to her cupboard To get little Jack a cake. While she was gone, Out got Master John On the tiles in a wide-awake ! She.went to the hatter's To buy him a cap, And when she came back He had started his trap. She went to the toyship, To buy him a horn, And when she came back, He was off to Cremorne. She went for a basin, To set his food soaking, But when she came back His cigar he was smoking. 2.- Little Tommy Tucker. Cut along, Tom Tucker, Sing for his supper. What shall he sing for ? Not bread and butter ! Tired of Welsh rabbits and kidneys almost What do you say to an Anchovy Toast ? 40 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 8.—Dickety, Dickety, Dock. Drinkete, drinkete Hock, We'll go and dine at the Cock, Rump-steak and stout, And cold without; Drinkete, drinkete Hock. 4.-Ride a cock-horse. Back a cock-horse The country across,. And get a good jockey To ride a cock-horse. Cords for his breeches, and tops for his toes, He shall have fences wherever he goes. A LITTLE LECTURE ADDRESSED TO MY DEARS. (By an Old Maid of the World.) “My dears, Love is like Chancery: it's a deal easier to get into it than to get out again. There are thousands of ways for the former, but as for the latter, it can't be done, noways. “ Take my advice, my dears—never believe a man be- fore marriage, and never trust him after it. “If men, my dears, were to pay, like servants, for every thing they broke, they wouldn't be so fond of break- ing their hearts for every pretty girl they saw. The fortune of a Rothschild couldn't stand, my dears, against such a rouinous amount of breakages. Why, I have known PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. a man's heart to break as often as an American bank, and yet he would open the next day with the same brass plate on his face, on which you could plainly read 'ASSURANCE,' and his heart would go on issuing the same amount of false notes as before. Besides what becomes of all their broken hearts, I should like to know? Where do they all go to ? Along with the old moons, I suppose; or they may be keeping company, there's no knowing where, with all the pins that are lost, each heart beink stuck through with a pin, like the curious insects in a museum. “There's no need to tell you, I am sure, my dears, about choosing a husband. A woman's instinct generally. guides her in those little matters. But this I will tell you, that husbands differ as much as geese; but the soft- est, mind, is not always the worst. The softer your hus- band, the more pliable you will find him; and all the easier for you to twist him round your little finger. If husbands trusted more to their wives and less to themselves, there would be more happy marriages; but, until they learn what is due to our sex and are fully prepared to pay it, that happy balance will never exist in a household which to the husband should be the source of as much joy as a large balance is at his banker's; but at present the wife is not allowed to have any share or interest in the one, or to par- ticipate in the other. "I will conclude, my dears, with giving you a few rules with regard to the choice of husbands in general; and though, my dears, 1 have never ventured on the stormy sea of matrimony myself” (here the fair lecturer's voice slightly trembled with emotion), “ still I have watched 42 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. from the haven of single blessedness many of the squalls and breezes that have taken place on them, and have derived no small knowledge from the numerous shipwrecks I have witnessed in consequence of them, and this knowl. edge I am only too willing to impart to all those who are anxious to embark for the United States. "I shall confine my observations, my dears, to the small circle of my experience of men, such as I have studied them round the tea-table. “If a man wipes his feet on the door-mat before com. ing into the room, you may be sure that he will make a good domestic husband. “If a man in snuffing the candles, snuffs them out, you may be sure he will make a stupid husband. "If a man puts his handkerchief on his knees whilst taking his tea, you may be sure he will be a prudent husband. “In the same way always mistrust the man who will not take the last piece of toast or Sally Lunn, but prefers waiting for the next warm batch. It is not unlikely he will make a greedy, selfish husband, with whom you will enjoy 'no brown' at dinner, no crust at tea, no peace whatever at home. “The man, my dears, who wears goloshes and is care- ful about wrapping himself up well before venturing into the night air, not unfrequently makes a good invalid hus- band that mostly stops at home, and is easily comforted with slops. “The man who watches the kettle and prevents it boiling over, will not fail, my dears, in his married state PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 43 in exercising the same care in always keeping the pot boiling. “ The man who doesn't take tea, ill-treats the cat, takes snuff, and stands with his back to the fire, is a brute whom I would not advise you, my dears, to marry upon any consideration, either for love or money, but most de- cidedly not for love. “But the man who, when the tea is over, is discovered to have had none, is sure to make the best husband. Pa- tience like his deserves to be rewarded with the best of wives, and the best of mothers-in-law. My dears, when you meet with such a man of this kind, do your utmost to marry him. In the severest winter he would not mind going to bed first.” [Here the lecturer concluded, and the several young ladies retired to their respective avocations.] e SHE-DOCTORING. We learn from an American paper that Dr. HARRIET Hunt has been lecturing at New York on “Woman as a Physician.” DR. HARRIET would doubtless give a new reading to Scott's hackneyed lines— “Oh woman! in our hours of ease, Uncertain, coy, and hard to please, When pain and anguish wring the brow, A ministering M.D. thou.” We must say we prefer the original," angel." THE SECRET OF YOUTH.—A Lady never knows how young she looks, until she has had her portrait painted. 44 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. THE FOX AND THE GRAPES. - UA UPH Elderly Spinster. “80 YOU'RE GOING TO BE MARRIED, DEAR, ARE YOU! WELL, FOR MY PART, I THINK NINE-HUNDRED-AND-NINETY-NINE MARRIAGES OUT OF A THOUSAND TURN OUT MISERABLY; BUT OF COURSE EVERY ONE IS THE BEST JUDGE OF THEIR OWN FEELINGS." SHABBY INGRATITUDE.—Men get drunk, and then lay the fault on the wine ! PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 46 PROVERBIAL PHILOSOPHYI BY THE SOLOMON IN ORDINARY TO THE BRITISH NATION. I. An umbrella upon thine arm may make it ache, but should rain come, the umbrella will preserve thy clothes. Choose betwixt a trifling pain and a tailor's bill. 11. Other persons were born about the same time as thy- self, and have been growing up ever since, as well as thou. Therefore be not proud.. III. Preserve few secrets from thy wife; for if she discover them she will grieve, not that thou hast kept from her thy secrets, but thy confidence. IV. Yet confidence may be misplaced, as when thou goest out in thin patent leathern boots, simply because the pavement before thine own door has dried. The girl who is destined to be thy wife, although now unknown to thee, is sure to be living somewhere or other. Hope, therefore, that she is quite well, and otherwise think politely about her. VI. Educate thy children, lest one of these fine days they educate thee in a school with no vacations. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. VII. O how good was Nature, that placed great rivers near great towns ! VIII. A traveller, journeying wisely, may learn much. Yet much may also be learned by him who stays at home. IX. An insane person may lie to thee, and yet be innocent, and thou mayest lie to him, and be praiseworthy. Now all persons are somewhat insane, but do thou beware of lying as a general rule. Heat expands things, and therefore in hot weather the days are lengthened. Moral heats sometimes expand thy mind, but they tend not to the lengthening of thy days. XI. Say not that thou knowest a book until thou hast read it all. Yet some books thou mayest throw aside partially read. Herein thou judgest a criminal unheard. What then ? XII. I do not say to thee, “ Marry, for it will exalt thee,” yet was there subtle meaning in those whose usage it was to say, “ Marry, come up." XIII. Cool things are used to cure fever, yet the over-cool- ness of a friend's act will throw thee into heat. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 47 XIV. We know nothing, and yet it is knowing something to know that thou knowest nothing. XV. By a conceit, a certain red fly hath been called a Lady- bird, and bidden to fly away home. The counsel is good, even to her who is neither bird nor ily. There is no place like home. XVI. He who always holds his tongue will one day have. nothing else to hold. Yet it is not good to be over-gar- rulous. XVII. The weather-cock, working easily, can tell thee the way of the wind, but if the weather-cock sticks, the course of the wind will not be influenced thereby. Remember this. XVIII. If thy heart is in the Highlands, it is not here. XIX. Virtuous love is wholesome. Therefore be virtuous, to make thyself worthy of self-love. Not, of course, that thou art thereby prevented from loving somebody else. xx. Talk to thyself, and insist on a reply, yet not before the world, lest it think that nobody else will talk to thee. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. VII. O how good was Nature, that placed great rivers near great towns ! VIII. A traveller, journeying wisely, may learn much. Yet much may also be learned by him who stays at home. IX. An insane person may lie to thee, and yet be innocent, and thou mayest lie to him, and be praiseworthy. Now all persons are somewhat insane, but do thou beware of lying as a general rule. Heat expands things, and therefore in hot weather the days are lengthened. Moral heats sometimes expand thy mind, but they tend not to the lengthening of thy days. XI. Say not that thou knowest a book until thou hast read it all. Yet some books thou mayest throw aside partially read. Herein thou judgest a criminal unheard. What then ? XII. I do not say to thee, “ Marry, for it will exalt thee," yet was there subtle meaning in those whose usage it was to say, “ Marry, come up.” XIII. Cool things are used to cure fever, yet the over-cool. ness of a friend's act will throw thee into heat. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. XXI. A cat, even if she be friendly, never approaches thee by a direct course. No more does a truth, O friend; but winding round thy stupidities, and rubbing up against thy prejudices, it reaches thee gently—and then, perhaps, scratches. XXII. A stitch in time saves nine. If therefore thou feelest one in thy side, be thankful, O friend. XXIII. Love the moon, for she shines in the night, to give us light in the dark, whereas the sun only shines in the day time, when there is plenty of light, and his assistance is not wanted. Such is the difference between real and false charity. XXIV. Solomon knew several things, allowing for his age, but I could teach him a few others. A FEW SAYINGS FOUNDED ON “DOINGS.” A CAB is the madness of many for the gain of one. Old Time may find plenty of sand for his hour.glass in any sugar cask. Music has barrel organs to make savage the calmest breast. What is one (sausage) man's (sausage) meat, may be another man's poison. 50 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. And he pockets all she earns, which he squanders in folly, So I shouldn't think he makes her what one may call jolly. All that's hers is his by law; and to change that condition I hope the House won't listen to any petition ; If girls will marry Swells, honest plain young men scorn- ing, When they are taken in, let their fate prove a warning. minke LITTLE FACTS WORTH KNOWING. When a man has a very red face, it never, by any chance, arises from drink. He who arrives late at a dinner-party, after the com- pany is seated down to table, generally escapes from the bother of carving. Old ideas, like old clothes, put carefully away, come out again, after a time, almost as good as new. The first bottle is always "too dry,” or “ too strong," or “too thin,” or else “it wants age,” or “ body,” or “keep- ing,” and it is only right that there should be something wanting in the first bottle, or else there never would be any improvement in the second. Talk Scotch to a beggar, and he will soon leave you. Always accept a seat in the carriage of the lady who has eaten no dinner; for the chances are that, as she has touched nothing since luncheon, there is a good supper waiting for her at home. " ORDERED TO LIE UPON THE TABLE.”-A Spirit-Me. dium. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 51 RUDE AND CRUDE OBSERVATIONS. BY A PLATITUDINARIAN. NONE of us like the crying of another person's baby. “ I won't” is a woman's Ultimatum. No man knows when he goes to law, or gets into a cab what he will have to pay on getting out of it. Red tape is the legal chalk with which a lawyer rud- dles his sheep. If we all had windows to our breasts to-morrow, what a demand there would be for blinds ! When a man has been “ drinking like a fish,” it is “the salmon" always that is to blame for it. The Truth, with “ London Pure Milk,” lives certainly at the bottom of a well. Years are the milestones which tell us the distance we have travelled, but it's rarely women count them. Conversation was hid for a long time, until it was dis- covered in a bag of filberts. Some persons are fond of " opening their minds” to you, as if it were a dirty-linen bag-only to let you see the foul things that can drop out of it. Women, when they talk of “a good figure," must mean the figure 8, for that is the figure which is the most pulled in at the middle. The dissipations that persons resort to to drown care, are like the curtains that children in bed pull round them to keep out the dark. The bread of repentance we eat, is often made of the ! wild oats we sow in our youth. 52 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. . Vilim! WWWWW Old Lady. “Now, ARTHUR, WHICH WILL YOU HAVE SOME OF THIS NIOS PUDDING, OR SOME JAM TART?” Juvenile. “No PASTRY, THANK-YE, AUNT. IT SPOILS ONE'S WINE 80. I DON'T MIND A DEVILLED BISCUIT, THO, BY AND BY, WITH MY CLARET." (Old Lady turns all manner of colors.) A DROP IN THE EYE.-It has been, with some truth, observed by a moral writer, that drunkenness is a crying sin. It does not, however, always happen that the party affected by liquor is affected to tears. NET PROFIT.—A fisherman's. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 53 HOUSEHOLD SONGS. THE TEA SERVICE. No. 1-THE SONG OF THE TEAPOT. Their goblets of silver, their vases of gold, Let pleasure and luxury boast : To the teapot alone will philosophy hold, And bread will be ever its toast. Yes! 'Tis in the teapot life's type may be seen, Reflection should on it be fixed; Existence is neither all black nor all green, Our joys and our sorrows are mix’d. From the depths of the teapot there's plenty to learn, How adversity profit may bring; For at tea-time the kettle will bid us discern How in spite of hot water to sing. No. 2.—THE SONG OF THE SUGAR BABIN. Roam-roam for years from flower to flower, Thou, idly busy bee ! Thou canst not match with all thy power The sweets enclosed by me. With prejudice I am not blind; The sugars I contain, If to the tea alone confin'd, Were sweet, alas ! in vain. No! With the generous grog I'll blend, As with the sober tea : For sociality, a friend Will ever find in me. 54 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. No. 8.—THE SONG OF THE MILK JUG. I know I am a mockery, I hate my very name; Into the world of crockery I know not how I came. A milk jug is an article · They might as well put down; For, oh! there's not a particle Of genuine milk in town. Far better to have given me A name I could deserve, Than cruelly have driven me From truth's bright path to swerve; For when of milk jugs trippingly I hear them round me talk, There trickle down me drippingly Tears of diluted chalk. Oh, how I hate hypocrisy! Would I could place myself In that enlarged democracy, The world of common delf. Although to fine gim-crackery 'Tis fated I belong; No matter—“ Down with quackery" Shall ever be my song. THE CONFESSION OF A Fond MOTHER.-Over-indul. gence, like too much sugar, only spoils what it was meant to sweeten. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 55 THE ELECTRIC STORY-TELLER. What horrid fibs by that electric wire Are flashed about ! what falsehoods are its shocks ! So that, in fact, it is a shocking liar, And why? That rogues may gamble in the stocks. We thought that it was going to diffuse Truth o'er the world; instead of which, behold, It is employed by speculative Jews, That speculative Christians may be sold. Nations, we fancied, 'twas about to knit, Linking in peace, those placed asunder far, Whereas those nations are immensely bit By its untrue reports about the war. Oh! let us rather have the fact that creeps, Comparatively, by the Post so slow, Than the quick fudge which like the lightning leaps, And makes us credit that which is not so. The calm philosopher, the quiet sage, Fair Science thus abused to see, provokes, Especially it puts him in a rage, To be, himself, deluded by the hoax. DRESSING IN AMERICA.—A young lady writes from Newport, an American watering-place, that “We have to dress about nine times a-day here.” Young ladies at New- port, with their nine dresses, must be like nine-pins ; no sooner set up than down again. 56 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. RULES FOR SELF-GOVERNMENT. BY A PRUDENT OLD GENTLEMAN. ALWAYS sit next to the carver, if you can, at dinner. Ask no woman her age. Be civil to all rich uncles and aunts. Never joke with a policemap. Take no notes, or gold, with you to a Fancy-Bazaar- nothing but silver. Your oldest hat, of course, for an evening party. Don't play at chess with a widow. Never contradict a man who stutters. Pull down the blind before you put on your wig. Make friends with the steward on board a steamer- there's no knowing how soon you may be placed in his power. In every strange house it is as well to inquire where the brandy is kept-only think if you were taken ill in the middle of the night! Never answer a crossing-sweeper. Pay him, or else pass quickly and silently on. One word, and you are lost. Keep your own secrets. Tell no human being you dye your whiskers. Never offend a butler—the wretch has too many chances of retaliation! Write not one letter more than you can help. The man who keeps up a large correspondence is a martyr tied not to the Stake, but to the Post. Wind up your conduct, like your watch, once every day examining minutely whether you are “fast” or “ slow." PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 59 “LUD A' MERCY! HOW PRETTY.” « The heart of a married woman who flirts is like a roste of which every admirer plucks a leaf, till there is nothing left for the husband but the stalk and the thorns." —Recol- lections of a Fashionable Novel, in 3 vols. (of course.) HOW WOMEN VEIL THE TRUTH. WHEN a woman says of another woman" she has a good figure," you may be sure that she is freckled, or that she squints, or that she is marked with the small-pox. But if she simply says, “she is a good soul,” you may be morally certain that she is both ugly and ill-made. FRESH FROM AMERICA.—There is a Quaker in Ver- mont who is so attached to the principles of the Peace So- ciety, that he will not have a single flower in his garden; for “ It's terrible,” he says, “ to walk out at this time of the year, and to see the flowers in all directions with shoot- ing pistils." A JOURNEY WITHOUT END.--Entering upon an argu- ment with a metaphysician is like getting into an omnibus : you know where you start from, but it's impossible to tell where it will carry you. CHARACTER OF AN HABITUAL Sot.-He was a man of no determination-except to the head. THE “MANIFOLD WRITER.”—MR. G. P. R. JAMES. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. XXI. A cat, even if she be friendly, never approaches thee by a direct course. No more does a truth, O friend; but winding round thy stupidities, and rubbing up against thy prejudices, it reaches thee gently—and then, perhaps, scratches. XXII. A stitch in time saves nine. If therefore thou feelest one in thy side, be thankful, O friend. XXIII. Love the moon, for she shines in the night, to give us light in the dark, whereas the sun only shines in the day time, when there is plenty of light, and his assistance is not wanted. Such is the difference between real and false charity XXIV. Solomon knew several things, allowing for his age, but I could teach him a few others. A FEW SAYINGS FOUNDED ON “DOINGS." A CAB is the madness of many for the gain of one. Old Time may find plenty of sand for his hour-glass in any sugar cask. Music has barrel organs to make savage the calmest breast. What is one (sausage) man's (sausage) meat, may be another man's poison. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. AN EXAMPLE TO YOUNG LADIES. My face is round and fat, my nose snub, my hair sandy, I am corpulent and clumsy, my short legs are bandy, And my hands and feet are broad, my expression is stupid ; So except in being plump, I'm by no means a Cupid. Yet like a goose I hoped Her affection to waken, That She'd love me for my mind-oh, how I was mistaken! There came a handsome' Swell—your derision don't smother- She became another's bride, and the Swell was that other. In his figure, in his style, at every point, in each feature, He was opposite to me, poor absurd-looking creature; Then he dressed so very well—at the same time so neatly, And of course he cut me out-by his tailor-completely. I was spooney in those days, I was soft, green, and sappy, And I cried, Oh, don't I wish she may ever be happy! They say that of her choice she has sorely repented, She may now with some one else wish that she'd been contented. I'm told the handsome Swell whose attractions had caught her, Very soon ran through the money for which he had sought her; At her side he's never seen; but is constant at races, Is found in billiard-rooms and all those sort of places. In music they declare that she lessons is giving, Because he has reduced her to work for her living, 50 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. And he pockets all she earns, which he squanders in folly, So I shouldn't think he makes her what one may call jolly. All that's hers is his by law; and to change that condition I hope the House won't listen to any petition ; If girls will marry Swells, honest plain young men scorn. ing, When they are taken in, let their fate prove a warning. LITTLE FACTS WORTH KNOWING. When a man has a very red face, it never, by any chance, arises from drink. He who arrives late at a dinner-party, after the com- pany is seated down to table, generally escapes from the bother of carving. Old ideas, like old clothes, put carefully away, come out again, after a time, almost as good as new. The first bottle is always "too dry,” or “ too strong," or “ too thin,” or else “it wants age,” or “ body,” or “keep- ing,” and it is only right that there should be something wanting in the first bottle, or else there never would be any improvement in the second. Talk Scotch to a beggar, and he will soon leave you. Always accept a seat in the carriage of the lady who has eaten no dinner; for the chances are that, as she has touched nothing since luncheon, there is a good supper waiting for her at home. " ORDERED TO LIE UPON THE TABLE.”—A Spirit-Me- dium. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 51 RUDE AND CRUDE OBSERVATIONS. BY A PLATITUDINARIAN. NONE of us like the crying of another person's baby. “I won't ” is a woman's Ultimatum. No man knows when he goes to law, or gets into a cab what he will have to pay on getting out of it. Red tape is the legal chalk with which a lawyer rud- dles his sheep. If we all had windows to our breasts to-morrow, what a demand there would be for blinds ! When a man has been “ drinking like a fish,” it is the salmon " always that is to blame for it. The Truth, with “ London Pure Milk,” lives certainly at the bottom of a well. Years are the milestones which tell us the distance we have travelled, but it's rarely women count them. Conversation was hid for a long time, until it was dis- covered in a bag of filberts. Some persons are fond of " opening their minds” to you, as if it were a dirty-linen bag-only to let you see the foul things that can drop out of it. Women, when they talk of “a good figure," must mean the figure 8, for that is the figure which is the most pulled in at the middle. The dissipations that persons resort to to drown care, are like the curtains that children in bed pull round them to keep out the dark. The bread of repentance we eat, is often made of the wild oats we sow in our youth. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 53 53 HOUSEHOLD SONGS.—THE TEA SERVICE. NO. 1—THE SONG OF THE TEAPOT. THEIR goblets of silver, their vases of gold, Let pleasure and luxury boast : To the teapot alone will philosophy hold, And bread will be ever its toast. Yes! 'Tis in the teapot life's type may be seen, Reflection should on it be fixed; Existence is neither all black nor all green, Our joys and our sorrows are mix'd. From the depths of the teapot there's plenty to learn, How adversity profit may bring; For at tea-time the kettle will bid us discern How in spite of hot water to sing. NO. 2.-THE SONG OF THE SUGAR BASIN. Roam-roam for years from flower to flower, Thou, idly busy bee ! Thou canst not match with all thy power The sweets enclosed by me. With prejudice I am not blind ; The sugars I contain, If to the tea alone confin'd, Were sweet, alas ! in vain. No! With the generous grog I'll blend, As with the sober tea : For sociality, a friend Will ever find in me. 54 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. NO. 8.—THE SONG OF THE MILK JUG. I know I am a mockery, I hate my very name; Into the world of crockery I know not how I came. A milk jug is an article - They might as well put down; For, oh! there's not a particle Of genuine milk in town. Far better to have given me A name I could deserve, Than cruelly have driven me From truth's bright path to swerve; For when of milk jugs trippingly I hear them round me talk, There trickle down me drippingly Tears of diluted chalk. Oh, how I hate hypocrisy! Would I could place myself In that enlarged democracy, The world of common delf. Although to fine gim-crackery 'Tis fated I belong; No matter—“ Down with quackery" Shall ever be my song. THE CONFESSION OF A Fond MOTHER.-Over-indul- gence, like too much sugar, only spoils what it was meant to sweeten. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 55 THE ELECTRIC STORY-TELLER. What horrid fibs by that electric wire Are flashed about! what falsehoods are its shocks ! So that, in fact, it is a shocking liar, And why? That rogues may gamble in the stocks. We thought that it was going to diffuse Truth o'er the world; instead of which, behold, It is employed by speculative Jews, That speculative Christians may be sold. Nations, we fancied, 'twas about to knit, Linking in peace, those placed asunder far, Whereas those nations are immensely bit By its untrue reports about the war. Oh! let us rather have the fact that creeps, Comparatively, by the Post so slow, Than the quick fudge which like the lightning leaps, And makes us credit that which is not so. The calm philosopher, the quiet sage, Fair Science thus abused to see, provokes, Especially it puts him in a rage, To be, himself, deluded by the hoax. DRESSING IN AMERICA.—A young lady writes from Newport, an American watering-place, that “We have to dress about nine times a-day here.” Young ladies at New- port, with their nine dresses, must be like nine-pins; no sooner set up than down again. 56 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. RULES FOR SELF-GOVERNMENT. BY A PRUDENT OLD GENTLEMAN. ALWAYS sit next to the carver, if you can, at dinner. Ask no woman her age. Be civil to all rich uncles and aunts. Never joke with a policeman. Take no notes, or gold, with you to a Fancy-Bazaar- nothing but silver. Your oldest hat, of course, for an evening party. Don't play at chess with a widow. Never contradict a man who stutters. Pull down the blind before you put on your wig. Make friends with the steward on board a steamer- there's no knowing how soon you may be placed in his power. In every strange house it is as well to inquire where the brandy is kept-only think if you were taken ill in the middle of the night! Never answer a crossing-sweeper. Pay him, or else pass quickly and silently on. One word, and you are lost. Keep your own secrets. Tell no human being you dye your whiskers. Never offend a butler—the wretch has too many chances of retaliation ! Write not one letter more than you can help. The man who keeps up a large correspondence is a martyr tied not to the Stake, but to the Post. Wind up your conduct, like your watch, once every day examining minutely whether you are “fast” or “slow." PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUIIN. 59 “LUD A' MERCY! HOW PRETTY.” « The heart of a married woman who flirts is like a roste of which every admirer plucks a leaf, till there is nothing left for the husband but the stalk and the thorns.”—Recol- lections of a Fashionable Novel, in 3 vols. (of course.) HOW WOMEN VEIL THE TRUTH. WHEN a woman says of another woman “she has a good figure,” you may be sure that she is freckled, or that she squints, or that she is marked with the small-pox. But if she simply says, " she is a good soul,” you may be morally certain that she is both ugly and ill-made. FRESH FROM AMERICA.—There is a Quaker in Ver- mont who is so attached to the principles of the Peace So- ciety, that he will not have a single flower in his garden; for “ It's terrible,” he says, “ to walk out at this time of the year, and to see the flowers in all directions with shoot- ing pistils.” A JOURNEY WITHOUT END.--Entering upon an argu- ment with a metaphysician is like getting into an omnibus : you know where you start from, but it's impossible to tell where it will carry you. CHARACTER OF AN HABITUAL Sor. He was a man of no determination-except to the head. THE “MANIFOLD Writer." _MR. G. P. R. JAMES. 56 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. UWONA FILLING UP THE CENSUS PAPER. Wife of his Bosom.-"UPON MY WORD, MR. PEEWITT! IS THIS THE WAY YOU FILL UP YOUR CENSUS? SO YOU CALL YOURSELF THE HEAD OF THE FAMILY'—DO YOU AND ME A 'FEMALE ?'" THE ART OF PERFORMING.--Promise little, that you may perform much; but if you want to perform little, you can promise as much as you like. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 59 THE TYRANNY OF FURNITURE. It is a folly to suppose, when a man amasses a quantity of furniture, that it belongs to him. On the contrary, it is he who belongs to his furniture! He is bound hand and foot by it--he is tied by the leg to his own mahogany! He cannot move anywhere without dragging his furniture after him-he cannot go abroad without previously finding a home for his furniture ; he cannot be absent for any time without first taking every precaution that his furniture will be properly provided for in his absence. If he pro- jects any little trip, the thought that always stops him at the door is, “ Whatever shall I do with my furniture ?" Many a man who boasts of his freedom is the secret slave of his furniture. No man can call himself perfectly free who, whatever he does, or wherever he goes, has always to carry in his mind so many chairs and tables ! THE TWO EXTREMES OF FASHION. FORMERLY, when ladies went out, they used to have their bonnets on ; but that is no longer the case, for their bonnets are now not on, but half off. The reason generally as- signed by our female acquaintance why bonnets are thus worn, is, because they are. There is, however, a somewhat more logical one to be given than this; namely, the length of the dress. Condenthed by the tyranny of Fashion to screen their feet and ankles from admiration, the ladies indemnify themselves by showing as much as possible of the head. 80 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. BIRDS—NOT OF A FEATHER. The following advertisements recently appeared on the same day, and in the order in which we have given them. We hate to use strong expressions, but we are inclined to fear that the second advertiser is a Brute. RAY PARROT LOST.-Flew away from a villa in U St. John's Wood, on Tuesday afternoon, a lovely Gray Parrot. Is full of playfulness, and though its articulation is indistinct, it will scream and screech in the most enthu- siastic manner for hours together. Any one who has found it is earnestly prayed to treat the dear thing kindly, and not to resent its biting, and, on bringing it to its disconso- late mistress, the reward of Three Guineas shall be thank. fully paid. Address MRS. DE POPPETS, Acroceraunia Cottage, St. John's Wood. RAY PARROT LOST.-Flew away from a villa in U St. John's Wood, on Tuesday afternoon, a Gray Parrot. May be known by its viciousness, its not speaking a word, and its habit of screeching in the most abominable manner, without any reason whatever. Any one who has found it, and will bring it-stuffed—to the undermentioned address, shall receive Four Guineas, and thanks. Address MR. DE POPPETS, Acroceraunia Cottage, St. John's Wood. • THE EAST WIND! LAST week, when the east wind was at its sharpest, a nursery maid, walking with her charge in the Regent's Park, had a remarkably fine baby dat into twins ! An ART-TRUTH.—No woman ever knows how handsome she is until she has had her portrait painted. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 61 GENTLE SATIRES. If you ask a lady to walk out with you, she first looks at your dress, and then thinks of her own. If a woman holds her tongue, it is only from fear she cannot “ hold her own." Notice, when you have accompanied your wife to buy a lot of things at her favorite shop, what ostentatious care she takes of your interest in seeing that you get “ the right change." How much more difficult it is to get a woman out on a wet Sunday than on a wet week day. Can the shut shops have anything to do with this ? The oddest mnemonic curiosity is, that a woman, who never knows her own age, knows to a half an hour that of all her female friends. A woman may laugh too much. It is only a comb that can always afford to show its teeth. Women will never be punctual. They scorn the "charms" that hang to a watch-chain. THE SECRET OF POPULARITY.—Come into a fortune and then your friends will discover in you qualities of the most superlative brilliancy, the existence of which, in your moments of most intoxicated vanity, you never suspected before. HOW ARE PROMISES MADE FAST ?-By nails or pins according as persons are in the habit of running away from their words. For instance, you nail a man to his promise, aud pin a woman. 62 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. THE POETICAL COOKERY BOOK. BTEWED DUCK AND PEAS. Air—“My Heart and Lute.” I GIVE thee all, I can no more, Though poor the dinner be; Stew'd Duck and Peas are all the store That I can offer thee. A Duck, whose tender breast reveals Its early youth full well ; And better still, a pea that peels From fresh transparent shell. Though Ducks and Peas may fail, alas ! One's hunger to allay; At least for luncheon they may pass, The appetite to stay. If season'd Duck an odor bring From which one would abstain, The Peas like fragrant breath of spring Set all to rights again. I give thee all my kitchen lore, Though poor the offering be; I'll tell thee how 'tis cook'd, before You come to dine with me : PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 63 The Duck is truss’d from head to heels, Then stew'd with butter well : And streaky bacon, which reveals A most delicious smell. When Duck and Bacon in a mass You in the stewpan lay, A spoon around the vessel pass, And gently stir away: A table-spoon of flour bring, A quart of water plain, Then in it twenty onions fling, And gently stir again. A bunch of parsley, and a leaf Of ever-verdant bay, Two cloves—I make my language brief- Then add your Peas you may ! And let it simmer till it sings In a delicious strain : Then take your Duck, nor let the strings For trussing it remain. The parsley fail not to remove, Also the leaf of bay; Dish up your Duck—the sauce improve In the accustom'd way, With pepper, salt, and other things, I need not here explain : And, if the dish contentment brings You'll dine with me again. 64. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. APPLE PIE. AIR—"all that's bright must fade." All new dishes fade- The newest oft the fleetest; Of all the pies now made, The Apple 's still the sweetest; Cut and come again, The syrup upwards springing ! While my life and taste remain, To thee my heart is clinging. Other dainties fade The newest oft the fleetest; But of all the pies now made, The apple 's still the sweetest. . Who absurdly buys Fruit not worth the baking ? Who wastes crust on pies That do not pay for making ? Better far to be An Apple Tartiet buying, Than to make one at home, and see On it there 's no relying : That must all be weigh’d, When thyself thou treatest- Still a pie home-made Is, after all, the sweetest. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 65 Who a pie would make, First his apple slices; Then he ought to take Some cloves--the best of spices; Grate some lemon rind, Butter add discreetly; Then some sugar mix-but mind The pie's not made too sweetly. Every pie that's made With sugar, is completest; But moderation should pervade- Too sweet is not the sweetest. Who would tone impart, Must—if my word is trusted Add to his pie or tart A glass of port-old crusted : If a man of taste, He, complete to make it, In the very finest paste Will enclose and bake it. Pies have each their grade, But, when this thou eatest, Of all that e'er were made, You'll say 'tis best and sweetest. HEALTH.—An indispensable requisite, for business as well as amusement, which young men spend the greater part of their money in damaging, and old men the greater part of their wealth in repairing. 66 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. AN UNMANLY ASSAULT ON BONNETS. * MR. PUNCH, as the acknowledged champion of the rights of women-(bless 'em, however right and however wrong !)—has to denounce å mean and cowardly attack, made by a medical practitioner in the human form, upon that delicate, and fairy-like fabric, the female bonnet. The dastard affects to “lament the great increase of tic-doulou- reux in the forehead !” He moreover bewails the predomi- nance of “great suffering in the ear,” induced, as he firmly believes," from the present absurd fashion of dressing the neck instead of the head.” And why not? The fact is, poor women have been put too much aback, too much on one side; and Mr. Punch cannot but look at the heroic attempt made by the dear creatures to thrust the bonent on the shoulders, as a noble resolution to appear as bare- faced as possible. We yet hope to see a woman as far out of her bonnet as a snail can come out of her shell; and, as for tic-douloureux, earache, headache, and so forth, why, what are such calamities other than glorious ? Even as soldiers carry scars in honor and memory of their valor, so may women have earache, headache, and tic- douloureux, as glorious life-long records of the courage that faced all weathers without a bonnet. Mr. Punch hardly knows a more touching sight- sight so convincing of the inherent energy and devotion of the sex-than to behold a beautiful fragile creature facing the east wind that, at this moment (Mr. Punch does not disdain to confess the weakness) makes him re- joice at the fire-side like a cricket. It is, we say, a beau- tiful and a touching spectacle to contemplate the young 68 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. WWWUUTA Master Tom (to Old Lady who is very nervous about fire). "IT'ALL RIGHT, GRANNY; THE CANDLE IS OUT. I'M ONLY SMOKING MY USUAL WEED ** AN UNKNOWN BENEFACTOR.—The man who plants a birch tree little knows what he is conferring on posterity. HAPPINESS is a perfume that one cannot shed over another without a few drops falling on oneself. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 69 GOOD NEWS FROM THE KITCHEN. We find, from the astronomical intelligence of the month, that, on a given day, “the moon will enter Aries." We have received several communications from cooks and others in the domestic interest, who are anxious to know, whether, as the moon is likely to enter Aries, there is any chance of the sun entering underground kitchens, to which that luminary has long been a stranger.. CONTRACTING BAD HABITS. UNLESS you wish to contract bad habits, we should advise you not to purchase your clothes at a cheap taylor's, for, as the cloth is invariably bad, and the way of making it up generally too small, the chances are, that with every coat, waistcoat, or pair of trousers you purchase, you will be contracting a deplorable bad habit. The only con- solation is, that you will have no difficulty in breaking yourself of the habit, for it is sure to break of its own accord. 11 - THE HANDSOME YOUNG CLERGYMAN. A trifle for the Record. Oh ! did you not hear of a handsome young clergyman, Who in his pulpit was wont for to cry? He handled his text with such seeming sincerity, Melting each heart and suffusing each eye. He sighed so hard and groaned so steadily, The ladies all flocked to his church so readily'; PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. And he turned up his eyes with so saintly an air, That this clergyman greatly was liked by the fair. His features were fine, and his views Sabbatarian, So by both young and old he was made a great pet; What teapots and slippers this predestinarian Young disciple of Calvin did constantly get ! He had won such credit and fame for piety, That he had the run of the best society; And a girl with lots of tin did pair With this parson esteemed such a duck by the fair. STRAY SHOT. It is with ideas as with pieces of money, those of the least value generally circulate the most. A man, for being told the truth, thanks you the first time, votes you a bore the second, and quarrels with you the third. A French woman talks a great deal more than she thinks an English woman thinks a great deal more than she talks. There is no adhesive label like a nickname ! Waiting for dead men's shoes is, in most measures, a · bootless affair. Ladies generally shop in couples. When a lady has any money to spend, she dearly loves taking a friend with her to see her spend it. The number of poor poets is, if any thing, greater than the number of poets who are poor. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 71 Bad words, like bad shillings, are often brought home to the person who has uttered them. Life, we are told, is a journey; and to see the way in which some people eat, you would imagine that they were taking in provisions to last them the whole length of the journey. The ducked lawyer dreads the pump. A doctor feels the pulse each time, to let his patient see with what minute care he is keeping watch. The Trumpet of Fame is often mute for the want of a good trumpeter to blow it for one. THE LAUGH BEHIND THE SCENES. THERE is a sound of hollow mirth Bursts on the unaccustomed ear; 'Tis not the merriment of earth, Nor laughter born of wine or beer; 'Tis not the cheerfulness of heart That scarcely knows what sorrow means. No, no; 'tis mirth that acts a part; It is the laugh behind the scenes. The laughers are not truly gay; Their spirits are not really light; Their mirth is the result of pay: They laugh for eighteenpence a night. They stand within the prompter's view, Those JONESES, THOmsons, Browns, and GREENS, Waiting the well-remembered cue To raise the laugh behind the scenes. 72 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. The laughter comes from hollow cheeks, Whose deep vermilion-coated skin Conceals, by night, the furrowed streaks Of sorrow, groaning from within. Not e'en a passing jest is heard, To raise the mirth that supervenes ; The solemn prompter gives the word That starts the laugh behind the scenes. Jones has, perchance, a little bill He’s fiercely importuned to pay; P’rhaps THOMSON's wife at home lies ill; Brown's infant may have died that day. GREEN, possibly, with aching head, Against the wing distracted leans. No matter; they must earn their bread, And join the laugh behind the scenes. But all the world's a stage confest ; And laughter often has its source In what would prove a sorry jest, Could we but backwards trace its course. For him the laugh would quickly turn, Who'd ask too closely what it means ; Then do not seek too much too learn, Or look too far behind the scenes. THE BEST PERSONS To Know.-An Undertaker is ad- vertising a new kind of Coffin, which, he says, is “strongly recommended by the Faculty.” PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 73 UBICK BACHELOR. WHAT a snug room! Every com- fort is there that can make the heavy wheels of time roll on as softly as possible. What a nest of a bed ! and at the head of it he sees his mother, leaning over him, parting his hair, kissing his forehead, and every minute asking him in a voice through which the affection gushes like tears, "if he feels any better ?”—he sees his sister, nature's kindest nurse, sitting up with him all night, moving if he moves, anticipating every one of his wants, gazing into his face for hope, and smiling at him sometimes in spite of it, coaxing him, like a child, to go to sleep, and holding his hand between hers till he falls into a gentle slumber again-he sees his father coming into the room the first thing in the morning, and treading on tiptoe lest he shall awake him—he recollects what a moment of anxiety it was when the Doctor paid his daily visit, and how every one waited in silence round the cur- tained bed, to hear what he said, and then rushed to cheer him and kiss him full of hope he recollects all these, and 74 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. many more little incidents of love and tenderness, for they hang round his childhood, like immortelles, which his memory loves to “ keep green.” How different his present illness! There is no one to comfort him, to make him forget by kindness the prison- house he is confined in. His loneliness chills him. It throws a frost round every thing, and he thinks, as Adam thought when he was a Bachelor (the Bachelor days of Adam would make a most curious book) and prayed for a wife, that- To die must be to live alone, Unloved, uncherished, and unknown.” The Bachelor is moved; the rock of his egotism is softened, and it is very strange, but tears—real tears bubble up from his heart, like water from a dried-up well in the Desert. He rings again, and by some accident the Laundress hears him. The SICK BACHELOR has his medicine, and lays down his head grateful for it. If he is grateful for a spoonful of medicine, what would he be for a kind word or a good dinner! He rings the bell, but no one comes. He turns restless in bed, looks at his watch, discovers it is time to take his medicine, but there is no one to give it him. Persons run up and down stairs. The noise frets him, and, as it increases, he complains audibly, but there is no one to hear him. He dozes, and forgets his fretfulness. But the next moment a heavy sound, as if some one was playing at skit- PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF PUN. 75 riage that it will stop at sure he is tles over head, makes him start up, and again he rings the bell, and again no one answers it. He listens, and listens, till listening becomes a pain, added to his other pains. He longs to read, but all his books are in the next room. He longs to see the paper ; he longs to know if there are any letters; if any one has called; and he groans and rolls about, for all these long- ings, not one of them gratified, seem to fill his bed with nettles. When will the Doctor call ? He follows every car- riage that rattles through the street, and clings to the hope that it will stop at his door, till its wheels have turned the corner. He is sure he is much worse. He should like to look at himself, to see how many notches illness has scored upon his face since yesterday; but there is no looking-glass in sight which he can consult as an umpire to tell him the state of the game. He hears footsteps in the next room. A ray of thank- fulness shoots like sunshine through him—it is the Doc- tor! He waits, and a loud rumbling of chairs, and open- ing and shutting of windows is all that rewards his pa- tience. He calls, and the fall of broken glass breaks to him the painful truth that it is his Laundress !—the ten- der jailer of his sick-room ! "Mary! Mary !” but Mary is old and deaf, and has quite forgotten that there is such a thing as a poor Bach- elor who is waiting for his medicine. He calls as loud as he can, and the heavy sound of hoofs, but which he knows are feet, is the only echo that falls upon his night-capped ear. Mary slams the door more violently than ever, be- 76 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. cause he is ill—and the unhappy prisoner, whose crime is single blessedness, is left alone in his condemned cell. How he invokes blessings upon the false front of Mary! He only wishes that some day she may be ill as ill as he is—and that it may be his lucky fate to wait upon her! Instead of medicine to do her good, he will pour out to her the vials of his wrath, made as bitter as her own ill humor; instead of soft, gentle words, to smooth her pillow, she shall have nothing but sneers and snarls to ruffle her sweet temper; instead of broths, and jellies, and “slops,” and nice delicacies, to strengthen her, he will give her oysters, sausages, lobsters, pork chops, tradesmen's bills, and the loudest postmen's knocks, and the noisiest Italian boys—every thing, in short, that can worry and hurt and torture an invalid. RECIPES FOR A HAPPY NEW YEAR. You must do the following things, if you wish to pass a Happy New Year :- To count five hundred before you venture to contradict your wife. To be careful, when you are asked for your advice (especially by an Irishman), how you give it. To praise every baby that is brought up to you for ex- hibition. To take twice of pudding, if you are told the mistress of the house has had a hand in the making of it. To decline in the politest manner being appointed ar- bitrator in any matrimonial quarrel. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. THE LAW OF DOMESTIC STORMS. By a long series of observations it has been found that Domestic Storms, like other storms, are rotatory; or, in other words, they move in a circle, and come round at regular intervals. The Domestic Storm, as we have already seen, rages frequently very high at about Christmas time, when the trade winds are prevalent. There is reason to believe that these trade winds, which come in counter directions, are preceded by much heavy swelling, and by the extreme latitude into which the master has been driven by the eccentric action of his craft. This was the case in the instance of the Eliza, which, after being first set in motion by gentle airs, gave her head completely to the wind, and the mate lost all control over her. An extract from his log—or diary—is full of instruction for those to whom the Law of Domestic Storms is a matter of in- terest. Monday.-Light breeze, with a cloudy aspect. PUNCA'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 79 Tuesday.—Her head beginning to turn. All sorts of airs. Nothing in view. Wednesday.-Objects more clear. Difficulty in keep- ing her from running on to bank. Stormy at night. Squalls, and appearance altogether threatening. Thursday.-Inclined to be more calm. Changed her tack. Received a slight check. Towards night stormy again. Spoke Policeman, A 1, but could render no as- sistance. Friday.-Hurricane continued all day. Split her stays. Squally at night. Carried away the sheet, and went over on her larboard side. Saturday.— Violent gusts. Her head carried away, everything dashed to pieces, and every attempt to wear” the craft quite unsuccessful. Tried to overhaul her; but she became so unmanageable, that cutting away from her was the only chance of safety. Succeeded in getting clean off, and left her to her fate, when she was seen at a dis- tance to be brought to of her own accord rather rapidly. Domestic Storms do not always proceed from the high- est points, but frequently arise from the lowest; and some curious phenomena have been remarked under-ground, where a sort of blowing-up begins, such as may be sometimes noticed in Cook and other great authorities. These storms are often preceded by the sudden carrying away of stores, and by the accumulation of a sort of dripping in the hold, which, when called to the attention of the master, causes him to prepare for a hurricane. Some remarkable facts are mentioned by travellers as accompanying storms, such as showers of fish falling on 80 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. land, having been cast up by the violence of the sea; but in Domestic Storms nothing is more common than a shower of cups and saucers, wine-glasses, books, and candlesticks. In a very violent Domestic Storm, that happened in the neighborhood of one of the squares, the convulsions of nature and of ill-nature, were so fearful, that during the raging of the storm, which took a pelting and pitiless shape, four looking-glasses were smashed to pieces. The agents by which storms are sometimes produced in the domestic circles are sparks, which strike, with electrical influence, the heads of some of the lighter craft, and render them very difficult to manage. The law of magnetic at- traction will affect the heads of craft of this description, bringing them round and round, and exposing them to that sort of whirl which is so notoriously dangerous. The best remedy in these cases is a good conductor, or by meeting the sparks with an opposing battery. Sometimes a tre- mendous swell will agitate the craft; but in these cases it is better to let the swell pass by, merely keeping the head of the craft in the right direction. Whilst scientific men are very laudably devoting them- selves to the study of storms in general, we propose inves- tigating that particular branch of the subject which is ap- plicable to every-day life; for a knowledge of the theory and causes of domestic storms must be useful to all classes of the community. It was on contemplating the ruin caused by a domestic hurricane in the midst of China, that the writer first con- ceived the idea of giving his head to a subject about which his head had been broken more than once, though he had PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 81 never before thought of collecting together the results of his experience. He had observed that the various domestic storms he had encountered, as mate of a very troublesome craft, though sometimes sudden and furious, had generally some determined cause, and frequently took the same direction, by concentrating towards himself all their violence. He resolved, therefore, on keeping a log, or journal, in which he noted down, from hour to hour, the state of the craft to which he acted as mate—with the nominal rank of commander. He decribed her condition under a slight breeze, her behavior in rough weather, the effect pro- duced upon her by all sorts of airs; and, in fact, he col- lected such information, that he thought any judicious mate, attached to a similar craft, would find little difficulty in her management. One of the curiosities of this domestic experience, is the fact, that the same hurricanes prevail at about the same periods of the year; and it is remarkable, that though the wind seems to be raised with immense difficulty about Christmas time, domestic storms are most prevalent at that period. These storms are not felt to operate so severely on those who are provided with a heavy balance, which prevents the agitating influence of those fearful ups and downs which are met with at the time alluded to. Those who are protected by the shelter of a bank are comparatively safe in these storms; though the less sub- stantial craft, unable to meet an unusually heavy draft, ; 82 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. will frequently be found incapable of keeping the head above water. It is a singular fact, that domestic, like other storms, prevail in circles; and, indeed, there is no circle in which they are not to be found; for they visit the family circle, the higher circles, and the lower circles, with almost equal regularity. A thorough understanding of the domestic hurricane is of course invaluable to a master having the charge of one of the weaker vessels, for it enables him to perceive the storm coming on, and to pass out of it. A domestic storm is generally preceded by a great deal of puffing and blow- ing, which leads more or less gradually to a regular blow up; and the craft will frequently begin to heave in every direction. Some masters endeavor to meet the storm by i heaving to; but this often doubles, without subduing its violence. The damage done during a domestic storm of this nature is always very great, and a family wreck is not unfrequently the sad consequence. The numerous different airs that prevail, and form, as it : were, the elements of a domestic storm, would form a long and lamentable chapter of themselves; but we give the heads of a few of the principal. Sometimes a storm begins with trifling airs, but these often increase suddenly to a squall of the most alarming character. Sometimes a storm commences with vapors, which by degrees dissolve into moisture, and a squall springs up, accompanied by torrents of tears rushing down the face of nature, or ill-nature, with fearful fury. A storm of this kind passes over more quickly than some of the other sorts, though the PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 83 ability of stays, cutting the best way. dip her jib we craft often goes right over on her beam ends; and, under these circumstances, if allowed to lay-to for a time, she will most probably right of herself, without the mate or master taking any trouble. If he is timid, he will prob- ably begin to try and bring the craft round, by taking her out of stays, cutting away her rigging, or some other des- perate process; but the best way is to leave her alone, though it is sometimes justifiable to dip her jib well into the water, for the purpose of keeping her steady. If the domestic storm threatens to be disagreeably durable, and the squall continues, it may be advisable to lower the gaff, by reefing the throat-rope or cap-string under the jaws, and make all taut and quiet. This process is termed, in nautical phraseology, bending a spanker; and there is no doubt that the most formidable spanker may be bent by a firm adop- tion of the plan suggested. If she labors much, you can ease the throat-rope, so as to give room for every thing to work fairly aloft; but if you see a squall getting up, clew her down immediately. LUNACY AND LONGEVITY. LUNATICS live proverbially to a good old age, and one of the proverbs, upon which the fact is founded, is, we sup- pose, the old household truism, that “ Cracked vessels last the longest." SHE-HEROIC RESOLUTION.—A Young Lady (of the age of six-and-thirty) declared the other day, in strictest confi- dence, to her maid-servant, that she would sooner dye than let a single gray hair show itself. 84 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. SCENES FROM THE LIFE OF AN UNPROTECTED FEMALE.' SCENE—The outside of MOOKLER, FLY-TRAP, & Co.'s, Furriers' Shawl and Mantle Warehouse, &c., &c. The windows are barred with bands of all colors, and running at all angles, inscribed, “ Selling off, fifty per cent. beloro prime cost." “Enormous Bargains.” “ Ruinous Sacrifice.” “ Must be got rid of at any Price.” “ Grand clearance Sales.” “ An immense number of Bankrupts' stocks." Bills of similar delusive import are stuck about every part of the shop. All the goods exhibited in the windows display small tickets of impassioned description, such as, “ Récherché.” “ The Mode.” “Just out.” “ Just in.” “ The last thing from Paris.” “ Chaste.” “How elegant !” “Refined Splen- dor.” “Irresitible !” “Quite the thing !” “Perfect taste." " Original.” “ Highly becoming." " Acknowledged by all!!" Female outer garments, of a general resemblance in shape, but a singular and recondite variety in name, are ticketed with startling titles, and more startling prices, as the “ Camail des Carmelites, only £1 108.” The “ Pardessas Popin court, £2 28.! !” The “ Rédingote Rusniake, lined throughout with real sables, at £10.-A bargain !!!" 66 Burnous á la Bou-Maza, from the balls of the Elysée, at £3 108.” Mantles, Mantellas, Mantelets, Mantelines, Bearskins, Burnouses, Bougainvilles, Bressets, Camails, Camaïkas, Cardinales, Crachouras, Cote-hardies, Paletots, Pardessus, Pekins, Ponchettes, Ponchons, Polkas, Rèdin- gotes, Visites, Pitchouras, and others, too numerous to enumerate, and too difficult to pronounce, are fixed up for the admiration of passengers. The UNPROTECTED FEMALE is gazing into the window, fascinated by a gorgeous and bar- baric sharol ticketed, Real India at £2 10s.” Unprotected Female (thinks). Well, that is the sweet- PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 85 est, cheapest, thing I ever did see! Oh, I think it would become me uncommonly. And I could afford it out of my dividends. But then, perhaps, I oughtn't? Oh, yes! I must. (She goes to enter the shop, but starts back in horror at a very amorphous and mangy Lion, which guards the entrance, balanced by an equally distorted and dingy leopard at the opposite door-post.) Oh, gracious ! what's that ? Oh, it's only stuffed. (She enters the shop. Scene changes to the interior of the Establishment.) [MOCKLER is keeping an eye to the Fur Department. FLY-TRAP walks up and down the Shawl and Mantle Department, in a Napoleonic manner, with his hands behind him, and his eyes before him, behind him, and in every direction, at the same time. The “ Co.” is in a small raised glass case, keeping guard over the Cashier, and checking the Entries. The shop is filled with ladies; and young “gents," in white ties and tender manners, are "shaving" them. Unprotected Female (rather appalled by the splendid scale on which things are carried on). Oh! if you please Fly-Trap (with lordly obsequiousness). A chair for the lady. Now, madam, what department ? Our stock of furs is extensive and unique. We are sole agents to all the companies every where. Winter furs, Ma'am, no doubt? Sipkins, this lady to the Fur Department, im-mediately. Unprotected Female (drawing her breath which has been taken away, by Mr. Fly-TRAP's douche of words). Oh, please-it's not furs. It was a shawl in the window. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. Fly. Trap. MR. FRIBBLE — a chair for the lady. Shawl and Mantle Department, im-mediately. [The UNPROTECTED FEMALE is chaired to the counter by one of “Our Young Men.” Young Man (letting himself down confidentially and sweetly over the counter to a level with the UNPROTECTED FEMALE's face, and leaning on his knuckles). Now, Mem, if you please, what can we have the pleasure of showing you to-day ? [With tender interest. Unprotected Female. Oh, if you please, there's a shawl in the window- Young Man. Certainly, Mem. (Whipping a pile of shawls on the counter and tossing them into a troubled sea of Paisley Lyons, and Norwich India fabrics). Very superior article in Lyons and India. A sweet thing this in Oriental style-folds into twenty-four-gorgeous quite suit your complexion, Mem_(performs various feats of legerdemain with the shawls)--stout material- cleans beau-tifully—look under the light, Mem--what a gloss ! and the design our own—that is our Indian de- signer--we keep three in Cashmere and two at Lahore delicious arrangement. (Folds, unfolds, tosses, tumbles, twitches, flashes into the light, flirts into the dark, wreathes, unwreathes, and then pauses to watch the effect with intense sensibility.) At twelve twelve, Mem- only- ! Unprotected Female (praying inwardly for strength to resist temptation). Oh! they're charming, but, if you please, I don't want them. It's the one in the window- marked “real India, at £2 108." PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 87 Young Man. Beg pardon, Mem. (Whips another pile on to counter of articles very inferior to the decoy shawl.) This is the article at £3 8s—Real India—an enormous bargain--we couldn't do it if it hadn't been for the Punjaub Victories-de-licious and go with that bon. net sweetly. (He becomes painfully impressed with the beauty of the shawl.) Lovely, indeed, Mem. Unprotected Female (going through various testing processes of manipulation known only to females). Oh, but this isn't the same material at all. Young Man. Begging parding, Mem, from the same loom—same shipment—if any thing, superior. With an appeal to her candor.) Now at £3 10s:--it's throwing 'em away! Let me put it up ! Unprotected Female. But it's not so good as the one in the window. Young Man (with a smile of superiority). Ex-cuse me, Mem-shall we say £3 8s. Unprotected Female. But the one in the window is only £2 10s. Young Man (winks at FLY-TRAP). You really must let me put it into your carriage- Unprotected Female (fattered). Oh, I've not got a carriage. But if you please, I'd like that one in the win- dow. Fly-Trap (sharply and significantly, as customers go out shaved). Door! [A porter immediately plants his steps in front of the door inside, and begins cleaning the shop fanlight with preternatural care, completely blocking up the door-way. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 89 his honesty, and not buy any thing! Go-indeed! How do I know what you came for ? Unprotected Female (piteously). Oh, indeed, it was the real India at two-and-ten, and I would have bought one, if you'd shown me any—but yon haven't so I'd rather go. [Glances towards the door, as meditating a rush, but the Porter's blockade is still rigorously kept up. Fly-Trap. We don't know parties--but we lose a many articles by parties pretending to buy, and not buying. [With a look of awful suspicion. Unprotected Female (in an agony of serious alarm). Oh no-I'm not---indeed, I've no pockets on--you can no you can't-but I'm not. Fly-Trap. KNIPPER, look out if there's a policeman. Unprotected Female (clasping her hands). Oh, what for? Whatever have I done ? Fly-Trap. Shop-lifting is very common by parties pretending to be customers. Unprotected Female. Oh, but I can prove who I am. Fly-Trap. Parties being strangers and no reference asked but if you purchase-of course Unprotected Female. Oh, I'll purchase any thing- but indeed they're an inferior article. Fly-Trap. One of the real India at three-and-eight for the lady, MR. FIBBET. Unprotected Female (to herself). Oh, it's a shocking imposition! (JONES suddenly passes the shop.) Oh, there's MR. JONES! (She makes a bolt at the door, nearly upsetting the Porter, and, jamming herself very tight 90 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. between the legs of his step-ladder, makes signals of dis. tress to Jones.) Oh, MR. JONES—do, please, Mr. JONES. [Enter Jones. Consternation of FLY-TRAP ,sudden relapse into general obsequiousness, and SCBNR clo- ses on the consequences. MAINE MODEL LAW. The frequent occurrence of accidents from fire-arms suggests the question whether it would not be possible, at the cost of a little self-denial to a portion of the public, to prevent these deplorable casualties altogether. The means by which this desirable purpose might there is every reason to believe, be fully accomplished would be the prohibition of the manufacture and sale of gunpowder for any purposes but those of Government. It is true that we are not as yet in possession of any statistical facts tending to show that abridgement of the facilities for the purchase of this dangerous substance in any locality has been attended by a proportionate decrease of the deaths, mutilations, and other bodily injuries, arising from its incautious use on an average during a given period in that locality. Official and other returns, however, have clearly established that a decided diminution of cases of drunkenness on Sundays has attended the partial restric- tions which have been imposed on the supply of intoxicat- ing liquors: and it is not, perhaps, jumping too hastily to a conclusion to infer that, if no such drinks were allowed to be sold at all, the result would be a very general, if not a total, cessation of inebriety. If this inference be al. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. lowed, it must also be admitted that the analogous measure of putting a stop to the trade in an explosive compound would, at least, greatly limit the frequency of explosions. The Maine Liquor Law is said to answer well; and many persons are of opinion that a similar law would an- swer equally well here. Unquestionably. So would a Gunpowder Law; a law forbidding all dealings in Gun- powder. Let us have such a law then : the sooner the better. Why not put that “villainous saltpetre" under a ban, as well as that pernicious alcohol ? How many an existence has been embittered for life; how many a family has been bereaved of its only support; how many wives, sisters, children, have had to mourn the frightful and fatal consequences which legislation, by intercepting their cause, · might have rendered impossible ! What valid reason can be assigned for the practice of shooting? It is notorious that partridges, pheasants, hares, nay, woodcocks and snipe, may be easily procured, for the purposes of the table, by catching them in nets and snares, or simply knocking them on the head as they lie. As to the plea that the sport affords healthful exercise, surely the same amount and kind of exercise might be taken by walking through heath, turnips, and stubble, or over ploughed fields, with a large stick instead of a gun. The mere exhilaration attendant on the act of strikiug down a bird on the wing, or a quadruped running, doubtless will be cheerfully resigned, when it is considered how great a preservation of human life and limb will be the reward of the sacrifice. As the principle gains ground of legislating to prevent 92 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. the misuse or abuse of a thing by interdicting its use, it will perhaps come to be considered whether we had not better abolish penknives, because they sometimes cut fine gers, and are no longer necessary now that we have steel pens. The moustache movement also will be rendered im- perative on the part of every man, since it is possible to get on well enough without shaving, but that operation cannot be performed without razors, and every body will be precluded from obtaining those instruments because some persons, if they got them, would commit suicide with them. Laws will ultimately be passed for depriving us of the ability to gratify any inclination which can be gratified improperly. A FITTING INVITATION. It wasn't such a bad notion on the part of the Gantier, who hung up in his glove-shop the following placard :- “10,000 HANDS WANTED IMMEDIATELY !" And under it was written in very small characters, (To buy my Gloves—the very best quality). ADVICE TO THE FAIR SEX.—A Lady has no occasion, when she has a new bonnet, to buy any bonnet trimmings for it; for she has only to take it to church the first Sun. day, and her friends are sure to trim it well for her. AN OLD PROVERB IMPROVED:—A Wink is as good as a Nod to a Blind Auctioneer. BOOK-KEEPING Taught in ONE LESSON.--Don't lend them! PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 93 www THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER. [From an Original Drawing by our Little Boy. SEVERITY OF THE SEASON.—A cynical old bachelor overhearing a small wag in his remark, the other evening, that a lady in a waltz and a fashionable petticoat was only to be likened to a travelling circus, had the brutal effron- tery to add an observation that the resemblance alluded to was not alone in point of magnitude, but was carried out still further by the aggravating fact of there being in both cases a fool in the centre. . THE POETRY OF NATURE.—At present, like a quantity of modern poetry, it is, in most of its branches, only so many dead Leaves covered with Rime. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 95 struck him (it would have served him right had it knocked him down during a three hours' journey from Kensington to the City :-Nemo omnibus horis sapit, No one knows the times of an omnibus.” There has been a perfect glut of the lower quality of stuffs, which are offered at any price, but the dealers would have nothing to do with them. The following will suffice to show the kind of article that some unprincipled persons, trading on such capital as may be found in the alphabet, are desirous of foisting on the community. “How," asks one of these unprincipled adventurers, in a recent circular, “How can you express in four units that food is necessary for man ?-1. 0. 2. 8., One-ought-to-eat,” is the reply he hazards. We are not sure that an indictment for try- ing to get funny under false pretences would not lie against the person thus committing himself; or, at all events, for passing a counterfeit joke, as the following goes to show a second case of uttering : “ Why is a conspiracy like a chicken walking ?-Be- cause it's a fowl proceeding !” There can be no doubt that the person capable of hatch- ing a thing of this sort deserves to be completely beaten up with eggs in the nearest pillory. There had been no packet from the Isle of Dogs when we went to press; and a funny dog we had expected from that quarter has accordingly not arrived. The following has just been growled out to us by a funny dog of our own, who, with his MS., has been com- mitted at once to the kennel : 96 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. “Why is a bald man like an invalid ?-Because he wants fresh (h)air." An order came in during the day for five thousand articles equal to the following sample :- “Why is a man who does not bet, as bad as a man that does ?-Because he's no better." The commission was taken by the respectable firm of WAGG & Co., at 23ths, which is somewhat under the old figure. There have been one or two small failures in the Funny Market during the week, but the transactions of the par- ties were so small, that their paper had scarcely any cir- culation. A gloomy feeling was created by the following :- “Why is a hotel-keeper making a fire at the gable-end of his house like a man drinking gin ?-Because he's warming his in-n-side ! ” A still further despondency ensued, when one of the oldest jokers in the trade offered to supply any quantity equal to the following, at an eighth lower than last week. “Why is an errand-boy like an old horse put up to auction ?-Because he'll go for what he'll fetch.” After this it will be dangerous to keep the reader any longer in the oppressive atmosphere of the Funny Market, and we accordingly release him from his painful position. THE CONVERSATION OF FLOWERS. Do flowers converse ? Yes, certainly; or else what is the meaning of “ Flowers of Speech ?” Besides, we have a standing proof of the conversation of a flower in its (s)talk ! PUNCA'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 97 A LOVE-SONG OF THE MONEY-MARKET. I WILL not ask thee to be mine, Because I love thee far too well; Ah! what I feel, who thus resign All hope in life, no words can tell, Only the dictate I obey . Of deep affection's strong excess, When, dearest, in despair, I say Farewell to thee and happiness. Thy face, so tranquil and serene, To see bedimmed I could not bear, Pinched with hard thrift's expression mean, Disfigured with the lines of care, I could not brook the day to see When thou would'st not, as thou hast now, Have all those things surrounding thee That light the eye and smooth the brow. Thou wilt smile calmly at my fear That want would e'er approach our coor; I know it must to thee appear A melancholy dream: no more. Wilt thou not be with riches blest ? Is not my fortune ample too? Must I not, therefore, be possessed, To feel that dread, of devils blue ? 98 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. · Alas! my wealth, that should maintain, My bride in glory and in joy, Is built on a foundation vain, Which soon a tempest will destroy. Yes, yes, an interest high, I know My capital at present bears ; But in a moment it may go : It is invested all in shares. The company is doomed to fall, Spreading around disaster dire, I hear that the Directors all Are rogues—the greatest rogue thy Sire ! Go-seek a happier, wiser mate, Who had the wit to be content With the returns of his estate, And with Consols at Three per Cent! PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 99. PUNCH ON CRICKET. The Game of Cricket, though very ancient, is not quite as old as the hills; for the hills are naturally inclined against a sport requiring a level surface. Cricket is a promoter of cheerfulness and hospitality; for it causes one player to open his gate to another, and invite him, in a double sense, to take an innings at his homely wicket. The achievements of the bat are frequently celebrated by a ball; and even enemies who have met as bowlers, have been known to forget in the bowl all their animosity. It is not important to know the precise date at wbich Cricket was introduced, who set up the earliest wicket, or was the first to stir his stumps in this country. In a MS. dated 1344, in the Bodleian Library at Ox- ford, a woman is represented in the act of giving a ball to a man; while in the background are several tall and little women trying, as so many long stops and short stops, to catch the ball; but they are all ugly, and there does not seem to be any great catch amongst them. The game familiar to our eyes, and much too familiar with our heads, known in the streets as Cat, is believed to be the origin of Cricket—which was formerly known as Cat and Dog; but, as the passing stranger, or the pane of glass, forms the wicket aimed at in this case, the game is only popular with the more mischievous portion of the juvenile community... In modern times Cricket is the favorite game with the soldier, the sailor and the clergyman; among each of which class there are many who learn the art of long stop- 100 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. ping while waiting for promotion or preferment; and who, though they may have often had the ball at their feet, get, somehow or other, bowled out in the long run. For these trials of life, Cricket is an excellent preparative; and it is said on the authority of CAPTAIN GORDON, that on the eve of Waterloo, some of the officers were amusing them. selves with the bat, while others were dancing at a ball. It is a curious fact that the antiquarians have not yet tried a turn at Cricket, for though they have groped among the foundations of almost every thing, the brick-bat is the only bat they have hitherto taken in hand. We, in a spirit of deeper veneration for antiquity, have explored a wider field in the hope of finding it a Cricket field, and having taken a walk with old SUIDAS—we fancy we hear the reader asking who is SUIDAS ? but let that pass—we have stumbled over a species of Cricket being played under the classical name of Cottabos in a retired corner of Greece. In this game a piece of wood stuck in the ground enabled the Athenians to put up a stump without much expense, and being stumped up to this er. tent, another piece of wood placed horizontally, completed a cheap and effective wicket. A dish hung down from each end, but instead of a ball, the player threw with a vessel full of wine; and thus the game might be termed, to a certain extent, a game of bowls. Cricket can only be played by men of excellent tem- per, who are willing, like HAMPDEN, to fall in the field, who can submit cheerfully to the chances of battery from the bat, and of assault from the ball. The game is essen- tially English ; and though our countrymen carry it abroad PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 101 wherever they go, it is difficult to inoculate or knock it into the foreigner. The Italians are too fat for Cricket, the French too thin, the Dutch too dumpy, the Belgians too bilious, the Flemish too flatulent, the East Indians too peppery, the Laplanders too bowlegged, the Swiss too sen- timental, the Greeks too lazy, the Egyptians too long in the neck, and the Germans too short in the wind. A good Cricketer must have an eye as sharp as a needle, a hand as tough as a thimble, and a leg as light as a bodkin. Russia should be able to produce no leather equal to his lungs, and India should not show a rubber half so elastic as his muscles. He should have an eye as steady as glass, with a frame of iron, and his limbs should be a study to the limner. With these qualifications, we may hope to make him a Cricketer. AN EXTREME TEST. If you wish to ascertain the temper of a young lady, look at her nails, and the tips of her gloves. If they are jagged and much bitten, you may be sure she is peevish, irritable, quarrelsome, and too ready to show her teeth at the smallest provocation. This is an infallible test that every ill-tempered young lady carries at her finger's-ends. Do not attempt to kiss such a young lady under the mistletoe. THE affectionate heart thinks it good to have two strings to its beau; the volatile, two beaux to its string. (Punch to the fair reader. Affectionate or volatile ?) 102 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. WIMBO RUDE QUESTIONS TO A WIFE. H! tell us, do you recollect what your feelings were im. mediately after you had given your husband cold meat for dinner? Did you not feel ashamed, and angry with yourself, and vow that you would never do so again ?- Do you mean to say you have never searched your hus. band's pockets? Have you not blushed a papal scarlet when you found that they contained only some cigar- ends, a musty glove or two, a few halfpence well panéd with biscuit crumbs, and, perhaps, an old playbill ?-Can you, also, lay your hand upon the tea-caddy, and solemnly declare that you have never, on any rare occasion, opened one of the poor in- nocent's letters ? and have you not been ready to cry with vexation, when you found that your suspicions had been roused by nothing better than a tailor's piteous application for money ?-Do your powers of recollection enable you to give impartially the secret history of every "sick Head- ache,” that has prevented your coming down to dinner? and, also, is your memory strong enough to describe the various remedies that have been employed before the same PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 103 could, or would be relieved ?-Have you never, in a fit of uncontrollable indignation, threatened to go home to your mamma ? and can you, without much prejudice, inform us who was to blame in each instance for such provocation ? -Have you any thing to reproach yourself with regard to that same “mamma?” She is an excellent woman, of course; but was it the best policy, do you think, to have her so incessantly in the house ? or, granting that necessi- ty, was it prudent, or kind, do you imagine, to make all the arrangements of the house subservient to her comfort ? and to neglect your husband's wants to attend to her whims and fancies ? And again, we must put to you the rude question, whether, on second reflection, it would not have been, perhaps, better to have denied her the very free use of that black paint that she delighted in besmearing your husband with every day from head to foot ? and we trust you will tell us whether the result of those noirceurs was not to make out your husband (supposing he was al- ready a little bit of a “black sheep') to be a thousand times blacker than there was any humane occasion for ?— Have you never purposely mislaid—in other words, hid- den—the key of the cellarette, when your husband brought home a few friends to supper ?-Have you never, when an invitation has come that your husband was particularly anxious you should accept, equivocated just a little by say- ing that “ you had not a gown to go in ?” and was not the object of such equivocation, if we might be allowed to hint such a thing, to put your husband's well known generosity to the test ?—Talking of dresses, do you recollect that beautiful moire antique that you saved by a beautiful PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 105 THE SHOPS AT CHRISTMAS. How they blaze out on the Winter night, how warmly and how cheerfully ! How loungers feed their eyes at them, how small boys peep askance and fearfully! How poverty, heart-sick for work, beguiles perforce its angry leisure With gazing through those windows sadly, at their pomp, and pride, and pleasure ! See those velvets, darkly damasked, TITIAN-like, so warm and mellow; Shawls of Indian woof barbaric, barred with black, and red, and yellow; Silks and satins gem-like changing, filmy gauzes flung in showers, Ribbons winding, rainbow-hued, like tropic snakes through tropic flowers. Here's another, through its curtains see those nimble hands preparing Silk and satin, gauze and velvet, into forms for ladies' wearing- Armory of women's weapons, hung with killing caps and bonnets, Future frames for many a face that, thanks to them, may prompt its sonnets. Then the goldsmith's gorgeous window, all with precious metals glowing Carven chalice, frosted ilagon, stately candelabra showing ; 106 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. Mellow gold of ancient fashion, flashing bracelets, bronzes sober; Stately mazers, telling tales of ruby wine or brown October. Then the grocer's spicy store-house, tempting poor men's Christmas money, Crystal sugar, candied citron, clotted currants, raisins sunny, With its porcelains quaintly figured, chests and caddies, and devices, Brute and human Chinese monsters, and the well-penned cards of prices. Then the glory of the Twelfth Cakes what words may suffice for telling ? Or the blue rosetted prize-joints, with their tallowy moun- tains swelling ? Or the poulterer's, turkey tapestried; or the oyster-shops, where study Gets perplexed amid the barrels, and the rows of lobsters ruddy? Yes, the Christmas shops are splendid, and to all the senses cheering, Though the fog be hanging yellow, or the sleet through streets careering; And there is a wholesome pleasure to our hard-worked English reason, With all gifts of man's contriving thus to grace the joyous season. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 107 21 Were't not well to pass a moment from the wares and wealth we write of, To some sights and scenes that Christmas joy should, least of joys, make light of ? From the shops turn to the streets, and mark, amid their motley thronging, The many shrunken cheeks, whereto there seems no joy belonging See that man, with wife and children, creeping separate and sadly, Never looking at those splendors, or if glancing, glancing madly; As if cursing all that wealth that spares no penny from its heaping, To help them to more food and clothes, and fire, and place for sleeping. That gorgeous velvet, that makes pale all tissues where they've laid it What if the weaver's passing by, whose wasted fingers made it? Oh, richly broidered are those scarves; but think of her I who, sighing, Drew the sore stitches-o'er her work for hunger slowly dying. Capital vies with capital, to add wonders to our city, Each underbidding each, without remorse, or ruth, or pity; 108 PUNCH'S POCK HT-BOOK OF FUN. Still doth labor crowd the market, and still takes the task that's proffered- Curses, and works, and curses still the less'ning pittance offered. And so about our splendors hangs a blight that spreads, till neither Employer or employed is found, but each is wroth with either; Till no love remains of high to low—no trust of low in higher, And the more we grasp the golden fruit, the abyss yawns ever nigher. Yes, these are sorry thoughts to be haunting Christmas season, For lack of human brotherhood is to Christmas special treason; When Love to man did light on earth, and there was joy in heaven- Oh, for the spirit of that time more English hearts to leaven! WHEN GROG MAY BE TAKEN MEDICINALLY. (As soon as the Laro for the Prohibition of the Sale of Liquors comes into operation.) GROG may be taken medicinally: After goose, or duck, or pork, or Irish stew, or any delicacy of the season, into which onions may have season. ingably entered. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 109 Invariably after salmon. When there is any washing being done at home. When the painters are in the house. When a person feels faint, and doesn't know what is the matter with him. When a friend turns up after an absence of several years, or when you are parting with a friend whom you do not expect to see for several years. When a person has the toothache. When a person has lost at cards, or when a person has come into a large property. When a person has met with a large misfortune, or made a tremendous bargain. When a person has quarrelled, and when a reconcilia- tion has taken place. When a person is riding outside a stage-coach, or is on a sea-voyage, or goes out between the acts of a five-act tragedy, or before ascending in a balloon; or after coming off a jury of a Coroner's Inquest, or when you are sitting up for your wife, or when a friend drops in to smoke a cigar;—and in fact, upon all suitable occasions of sadness or merriment, when a person feels rather low, or feels in very high spirits. PHILOSOPHY FOR THE TURF.—He who lays wagers, lays golden eggs. The goose did so; and you know the con. sequence. Why is a youth like a church robbed of its bibles and prayer-books, &c. ?-He is in a state of pew-pillage. 110 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. SURE SYMPTOMS OF CHRISTMAS. (By a Surly Old Bachelor.) UNCH,—I know Christ- mas is coming from cer. tain well-known symp- toms that never fail to present themselves at this time of the year :- Because my landlady is so extremely civil to me, and brings me my shaving-water the mo- ment I ring for it. Because I have not had to complain for two weeks about my boots, and the coal-scuttle is generally pretty full of coals. Because the breakfast is laid before I am up, and when I ask for toast with my tea in the evening, the kitchen fire has not once been out. Because the impudent news-boy has been much earlier with the newspaper than usual. Because, wherever I have called, I haven't had cold meat for dinner for ever so long for two weeks at least. Because I cannot get my bills in from my tradesmen- they smile, and scrape their feet in their vile saw-dust, and PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 113 murmur something about “any time will do, Sir, present me with French plum and bonbon-boxes, and fan I have nothing better to do than to lay in a plantation of Christmas trees. Because the crossing-sweeper takes his hat off to me every time I pass. Because the Beadle has been wonderfully profuse with his cocked hat, and the pew-opener, within the last fort- night, has nearly curtseyed me to death. Because wherever I have called, I have found all the servants smiling most unnaturally, and bringing me things I didn't want. Because my little nephews have been so very affection- . ate to me lately. Because my little nieces have run up to me and kissed me in a way that was more flattering than agreeable, and I have had my great coat and hat and umbrella and goloshes pulled off me before I have had time to inquire whether my brother (he is only a clerk) was at home. Because I have been bothered out of my life with so many inquiries about that “distressing” cough of mine, and have been recommended so many wonderful remedies that were sure to cure it,—which remedies, if I had only taken one half of them, I shouldn't be alive at the present moment. And because—but I think I have said enough of these symptoms, which luckily “come but once a year.” After all, I don't know-perhaps they are not so disagreeable, for the attentions one receives at this period are as flatter- ing to one's vanity as they are conducive to one's comfort. 110 POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. . and bws they all spring out of a Christmas es, as I have learnt to my cost, are not as bandboxes. The enjoyment would yable, if one hadn't to pay so dearly - Christmas month, my outgoings in- variably exceed my incomings :-otherwise, I like it well enough, and shouldn't mind if the whole year were com- posed of nothing but Christmas months. DIFFERENT PHASES OF FEELING. Wife (very indignantly). “Ah! there's the Doctor's ' boy at last, my dear, with your physic. It's too bad ! Keeping the house up to this hour of the night! What right has he to come as late as ten o'clock ?” Servant (who has answered the door). “If you please, mum, the milliner has called with your new dress, and wishes to know if you will try it on ?” Wife (in quite another tone). “Certainly, Susan. Show her into the dining-room, and say I will come to her directly." PROPRIETY IN DRESS. SHORT dresses have been objected to by the prudish; but though the clothes of ladies are now more than long enough, they admit of the very greatest latitude.—N. B. The discovery of the latitude has succeeded that of the longitude. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 113 THE PROTOCOL OF PRIVATE LIFE. rinn DAFTY HE unfortu nate differ- ences which have arisen between va. rious mem- bers of the Tomkins family were taken into considera tion at the recent Con ference in Finsbury. The original dispute arose in the summer of 1854, about eleven months ; after the marriage of Mr. Thomas Tomkins with Miss Maria, the beautiful and amiable daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Chowderby, of the City Road. Mr. Chowderby, a year before a coal-agent, in apparently affluent circumstan- ces, became, in June, 1854, from circumstances over which he had no control, unable to meet his financial engagements. Previous recourse, (especially upon an occasion when an infuriate milkman urged his demand with some precipi- tancy,) had been had to the Loan system, and Mr. Tom- king, who is engaged in the pickle trade, had discounted a 8 114 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. series of (dishonored) bills for his father-in-law. Deem- ing it necessary to restrict his cash operations, Mr. Tom. kins had lately declined this course, and to his son-in-law refusing him money, Mr. Chowderby, with some plausibil- ity, attributes his being without any. Differences arose, which were rather suspended than settled by a visit, which at Maria Tomkins' desire her husband requested from Mrs Chowderby. It is here necessary to mention, that about December last, a baby was born to Mr. and Mrs. Tomkins. Mrs. Chowderby accepted the invitation, bringing with her two younger brothers of Maria, and they remained as guests until Easter, at which period the unsolicited super- intendence of the elder lady with the management of the infant, the continual disarrangement of the pickle pots by the younger Chowderbys, the incessant demands of the elder Chowderby for money, and a final proposition that the whole Chowderby family should come and live with the Tomkins', brought matters to a crisis, which terminated in the expulsion of the Chowderbys, and a total estrangement. Mr. Tomkins felt no discontent at this; but his wife, and various members of the family, considering it objection- able, it was agreed that a Conference should be held at Miss Tiddle's, (a maiden aunt of Mr. Tomkins,) in order to endeavor to arrange matters. The Conference took place at the above locality, on Wednesday afternoon. Every body attended on his and her own behalf. There were present, therefore, Mr. Silas Chowderby, Miss Tiddles, Mrs. S. Chowderby, Mr. T. Tomkins, Maria Tomkins, Baby Tomkins, (provisionally registered Thomas Augustus Pickles,) Sarah Carter, (nurse PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 115 of the latter,) Master Peter Chowderby, Master Jack Chowderby, Miss Louisa Tomkins, (Mr. T. T.'s sister,) and Mr. Frederic Binkle (keeping company with the latter). Miss Tiddles could not understand why relatives could not live in peace and harmony. She hated to see family disturbances, and thought the shortest way was to forget and forgive, and try to bear with one another better for the future. She would express no opinion on any subject, except that Thomas Augustus Pickles was the loveliest little ticksywicksy that ever was, so he was, and a duck of diamonds, and a treasure of the Indian seas, and the gold mines of America, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick. The initiative was then, at her own desire, conceded to Mrs. Chowderby, who expressed a conviction that things had come to a pretty pass, when a child forgot her duty to the mother that had weaned her, that the meanness of Mr. Tomkins did not surprise her, for it was well known that he came of a mean stock; but that Maria should go against her was indeed a blow, which, when she was laid in the silent, extramural cemetery, that undutiful girl would remember, in sacking and hashes. To suppose that a woman at her time of life did not understand babies better than a chit was ridiculous, but this was only a pre- tence for Mister Tomkins to get rid of his duty to his wife's parents. They happened not to be so well off in worldly things as he was, perhaps because they had not stooped to the same low means of turning cash—some peo- ple, respectable people too, had spoken of half-pennies boiled in pickles to give them a color, but that was neither 116 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. here nor there. Mr. Tomkins ought to be ashamed of himself, and as for his wife—(here Mrs. Chowderby wept.) Sarah Carter had no right to speak, being only a poor servant, but sooner than see that blessed baby (article pro- duced) physicked with the messes Mrs. Chowderby gur it when its mamma's back was turned, she would break stones on the high ropes. Mrs. Chowderby insisted on that slut's withdrawal from the Conference; but after some discussion this proposal was overruled. Mr. Tomkins had deuced little to say. He had married Maria, and not the whole family; but he was a good. natured fellow, and so long as her relations behaved with any sort of decency, he had been glad to do his best for them. But there was such a thing as cutting it too f- (here Mrs. Tomkins gently suggested that her husband should vary his illustration). Well, he meant as riding a willing horse to death. He appealed to Maria if he had not been a kind husband to her, in spite of her relatives. (Mrs. Tomkins here threw herself on his bosom, and sobbed). Mr. Chowderby said that it was keener than a tooth- ache to have a thankless serpent instead of a child. Mr. Tomkins was willing to admit that proposition in all its fulness, but did not see the applicability. Miss Louisa Tomkins was sure that her brother would do every thing that was right, and suggested that he should give them a day on the water, and a dinner at Richmond, and every body be friends.. Mr. Frederic Binkle cordially concurred in the last sug. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 11% gestion, and if the word champagne were not deemed in. admissible, he would venture to offer, on his own account, that addition to the proposed festivity. (Miss L. Tomkins touched his hand, and said " Duck.") Mr. Choderby regarded all that as trash. If Mr. Tom- kins would give him the money such a piece of foolery would cost, it would enable him to remove his silver tea- pot from the house of a supposititious relative, where, to the infinite disgrace of the family, it had long been de. posited. Masters Peter and Jack Chowderby expressed an opin. ion that the party would be much more jolly, and bother the old tea-pot; besides, papa never took tea, but gin-and- water. (The extrusion of these members of the Confer. ence occupied the next half minute.) Mrs. Maria Tomkinscried for some time, and then stated, that except her husband, her blessed baby was the only comfort she had on earth. Her papa and mamma were very unkind, she was sure, and Thomas had a great deal to complain of. She had tried to make peace, but she hoped she knew her duty as a wife. Baby Tomkins (hearing his mamma's voice) signified that she owed a duty as a mother which he called upon her in the most urgent manner to perform without delay. (The proceedings became inaudible until his demand was complied with.) Mrs. Chowderby hoped that what the unmarried young lady had seen and heard that day, would be a warning to her in case she ever had the misfortune of having children. 118 PUNCA'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. No girl could have been better brought up than Maria, and now let them look at her. Mrs. Tomkins begged, laughing, that they would do nothing of the kind. Mr. Chowderby conceived that if they were going to have nothing but nonsense, they had better go. He was a man of business, and would make a business-like proposi- tion. Would Tomkins pay all his debts, and advance him £100 to buy him a milk-walk, taking the advance out, for he was a man of business, in milk on week days and cream on Sundays ? Mr. Tomkins, in justice to his adored wife, to that in- nocent babe, and to-well, never mind that-must decline doing any thing of the sort. But a £20 note was heartily at Mr. Chowderby's service, and there it was. Mr. Chowderby would accept it, but without prejudice to his other claims. Mrs. Chowderby would forgive her Maria, if Maria could forgive herself. Mrs. Tomkins signifying that she was decidedly equal to : this latter conciliatory effort, there was much mutual em. bracing, and tea at the expense of Miss Tiddles. PATERFAMILIAS AT THE SEA-SIDE. Old Paterfamilias is at the sea-side, Because he believes change of air should be tried, And there too his wife and his children abide With Paterfamilias by the sea-side. 120 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. Detail is his passion, and order his pride, So a journal he keeps, whereunto to confide The events of each day, with the roast, boiled and fried, Had by Paterfamilias by the sea-side. A month or six weeks thus away gently slide, In hotel or in lodging-house whilst they reside ; Then payment of little account to provide Has Paterfamilias by the sea-side. Next day, in the Times, there's a letter espied, Where the bill and its items are all specified, And extortion denounced, and its harpies decried, By Paterfamilias from the sea-side. PROFUNDITIES. (From our cron Slop-Basin.) LET woman argue as little as possible with man, not that she is not often in the right, but because her empire is in danger if her subjects think. Primogeniture has advantages for the first-born. To the first child, when at three years old it breaks a plate, we say, “ Did 'em den, well donee be frighteney." The second on a similar occasion we scold, the third we turn out of the room, and the fourth we whip. Cowper says that “the tear that is wiped with address may be followed, perhaps, by a smile.” If it is a woman's tear, the “ perhaps " is unnecessary. You can always dry it with a dress. Putting on a bonnet is a long and troublesome process, PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 121 yet it is much easier than putting off paying for the article. The wife who is the worst housekeeper is the best hand at cooking_her accounts. The key in which most married women's complaints are set is the latch-key. If your wife is particularly anxious that you should enjoy your breakfast some morning, don't be suspicious. It is just possible that a dress-maker may not be up-stairs with a bill in her pocket. Why is a woman's talk like light ? Because it lasts from morn till night. The man who makes jokes at matrimony, has probably found matrimony no joke. Mercury forms alike the ball of the barometer and the back of the looking-glass. Yet, woman consults the second only, when she wants to go out. No hero was ever valet-de-chambre to a man. No marking-ink is so permanent as a printer's, and the name given you by his “font” outlasts that given by the font in church. A reputation for wit is frequently undeserved, but a reputation for folly, never. Woman knows the value of most things, and is always ready to exchange when the rate is in her favor. See how quickly a woman's name is given up for a man's. ' If nature means that we should warn before we strike, why did she give us fists before speech? A smile is the receipt given when you pay a compli- ment—an awkward compliment, however, sometimes pro- vokes you to give a stamp. 120 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. Detail is his passion, and order his pride, So a journal he keeps, whereunto to confide The events of each day, with the roast, boiled and fried, Had by Paterfamilias by the sea-side. A month or six weeks thus away gently slide, In hotel or in lodging-house whilst they reside ; Then payment of little account to provide Has Paterfamilias by the sea-side. Next day, in the Times, there's a letter espied, Where the bill and its items are all specified, And extortion denounced, and its harpies decried, By Paterfamilias from the sea-side. PROFUNDITIES. (From our own Slop-Basin.) LET woman argue as little as possible with man, not that she is not often in the right, but because her empire is in danger if her subjects think. Primogeniture has advantages for the first-born. To the first child, when at three years old it breaks a plate, we say, “ Did 'em den, well donee be frighteney." The second on a similar occasion we scold, the third we turn out of the room, and the fourth we whip. Cowper says that “the tear that is wiped with address may be followed, perhaps, by a smile.” If it is a woman's tear, the “perhaps” is unnecessary. You can always dry it with a dress. Putting on a bonnet is a long and troublesome process, PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 121 yet it is much easier than putting off paying for the article. The wife who is the worst housekeeper is the best hand at cooking-her accounts. The key in which most married women's complaints are set is the latch-key. If your wife is particularly anxious that you should enjoy your breakfast some morning, don't be suspicious. It is just possible that a dress-maker may not be up-stairs with a bill in her pocket. Why is a woman's talk like light? Because it lasts from morn till night. The man who makes jokes at matrimony, has probably fouud matrimony no joke. Mercury forms alike the ball of the barometer and the back of the looking-glass. Yet, woman consults the second only, when she wants to go out. No hero was ever valet-de-chambre to a man. No marking-ink is so permanent as a printer's, and the name given you by his “font” outlasts that given by the font in church. A reputation for wit is frequently undeserved, but a reputation for folly, never. Woman knows the value of most things, and is always ready to exchange when the rate is in her favor. See how quickly a woman's name is given up for a man's. . If nature means that we should warn before we strike, why did she give us fists before speech ? A smile is the receipt given when you pay a compli- mentan awkward compliment, however, sometimes pro- vokes you to give a stamp. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 123 bit of pride about them, and will as readily gossip with Sarah the housemaid about the luckiest day on which to meet her sweetheart, John the butcher, as they will ap- prise an Emperor of a fortunate day to make a treaty, or a Generalissimo of the happy hour for going to battle. Lastly, there is the great and holy beauty attaching to martyrdom. For every body who practises or believes in astrology is held, by the so-called wise men of the earth, and by their laws, to be either a knave or a fool, or both. This persecution gives the pursuit an additional zest for such people as are found to patronize the art. How to practise it. If you are a professor of the art, that is, one who makes money thereby, I need not give you any advice. You have already learned the real value of astrology. But to the novice I will impart a few seorets, which, if duly studied, will enable him to know as much as your- self. To Computo a Scheme of the Heavens. Draw a square, and in the middle a small square, and a few cross lines, cutting the intermediate space up like a Chinese puzzle. Make upon each of these lines a figure like that upon the great blue, green, and red bottles in a chemist's window. Write Natus; which is the Latin for Born, in the centre square (or Nata, if you expect a female) and then wait for a victim. . When you get one, write the day and hour of his birth after the Latin word, and in conversation, or by pumping a servant, or other- wise, find out any thing you can about him. Take your 114 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. series of (dishonored) bills for his father-in-law. Deem. ing it necessary to restrict his cash operations, Mr. Tom. kins had lately declined this course, and to his son-in-law refusing him money, Mr. Chowderby, with some plausibil- ity, attributes his being without any. Differences arose, which were rather suspended than settled by a visit, which at Maria Tomkins' desire her husband requested from Mrs. Chowderby. It is here necessary to mention, that about December last, a baby was born to Mr. and Mrs. Tomkins. Mrs. Chowderby accepted the invitation, bringing with her two younger brothers of Maria, and they remained as guests until Easter, at which period the unsolicited super- intendence of the elder lady with the management of the infant, the continual disarrangement of the pickle pots by the younger Chowderbys, the incessant demands of the elder Chowderby for money, and a final proposition that the whole Chowderby family should come and live with the Tomkins', brought matters to a crisis, which terminated in the expulsion of the Chowderbys, and a total estrangement. Mr. Tomkins felt no discontent at this; but his wife, and various members of the family, considering it objection- able, it was agreed that a Conference should be held at Miss Tiddle's, (a maiden aunt of Mr. Tomkins,) in order to endeavor to arrange matters. The Conference took place at the above locality, on Wednesday afternoon. Every body attended on his and her own behalf. There were present, therefore, Mr. Silas Chowderby, Miss Tiddles, Mrs. S. Chowderby, Mr. T. Tomkins, Maria Tomkins, Baby Tomkins, (provisionally registered Thomas Augustus Pickles,) Sarah Carter, (nurse 116 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. here nor there. Mr. Tomkins ought to be ashamed of himself, and as for his wife-(here Mrs. Chowderby wept.) Sarah Carter had no right to speak, being only a poor servant, but sooner than see that blessed baby (article pro- duced) physicked with the messes Mrs. Chowderby guy it when its mamma's back was turned, she would break stones on the high ropes. Mrs. Chowderby insisted on that slut's withdrawal from the Conference; but after some discussion this proposal was overruled. Mr. Tomkins had deuced little to say. He had married Maria, and not the whole family; but he was a good. natured fellow, and so long as her relations behaved with any sort of decency, he had been glad to do his best for them. But there was such a thing as cutting it too f- (here Mrs. Tomkins gently suggested that her husband should vary his illustration). Well, he meant as riding a willing horse to death. He appealed to Maria if he had not been a kind husband to her, in spite of her relatives. (Mrs. Tomkins here threw herself on his bosom, and sobbed). Mr. Chowderby said that it was keener than a tooth- ache to have a thankless serpent instead of a child. Mr. Tomkins was willing to admit that proposition in all its fulness, but did not see the applicability. Miss Louisa Tomkins was sure that her brother would do every thing that was right, and suggested that he should give them a day on the water, and a dinner at Richmond, and every body be friends. Mr. Frederic Binkle cordially concurred in the last sug. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 11 gestion, and if the word champagne were not deemed in. admissible, he would venture to offer, on his own account, that addition to the proposed festivity. (Miss L. Tomkins touched his hand, and said “ Duck.") Mr. Choderby regarded all that as trash. If Mr. Tom- kins would give him the money such a piece of foolery would cost, it would enable him to remove his silver tea- pot from the house of a supposititious relative, where, to the infinite disgrace of the family, it had long been de- posited. Masters Peter and Jack Chowderby expressed an opin- ion that the party would be much more jolly, and bother the old tea-pot; besides, papa never took tea, but gin-and- water. (The extrusion of these members of the Confer. ence occupied the next half minute.) Mrs. Maria Tomkins cried for some time, and then stated, that except her husband, her blessed baby was the only comfort she had on earth. Her papa and mamma were very unkind, she was sure, and Thomas had a great deal to complain of. She had tried to make peace, but she hoped she knew her duty as a wife. Baby Tomkins (hearing his mamma's voice) signified that she owed a duty as a mother which he called upon her in the most urgent manner to perform without delay. (The proceedings became inaudible until his demand was complied with.) Mrs. Chowderby hoped that what the unmarried young lady had seen and heard that day, would be a warning to her in case she ever had the misfortune of having children. 118 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. No girl could have been better brought up than Maria, and now let them look at her. Mrs. Tomkins begged, laughing, that they would do nothing of the kind. Mr. Chowderby conceived that if they were going to have nothing but nonsense, they had better go. He was a man of business, and would make a business-like proposi- tion. Would Tomkins pay all his debts, and advance him £100 to buy him a milk-walk, taking the advance out, for he was a man of business, in milk on week days and cream on Sundays ? Mr. Tomkins, in justice to his adored wife, to that in- nocent babe, and to-well, never mind that must decline doing any thing of the sort. But a £20 note was heartily at Mr. Chowderby's service, and there it was. Mr. Chowderby would accept it, but without prejudice to his other claims. Mrs. Chowderby would forgive her Maria, if Maria could forgive herself. Mrs. Tomkins signifying that she was decidedly equal to this latter conciliatory effort, there was much mutual em. bracing, and tea at the expense of Miss Tiddles. PATERFAMILIAS AT THE SEA-SIDE. Old Paterfamilias is at the sea-side, Because he believes change of air should be tried, And there too his wife and his children abide With Paterfamilias by the sea-side. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 119 He watches the ebb and the flow of the tide, And the sea-gulls that o'er the waves hover and glide, And the steamboats' arrivals are curiously eyed By Paterfamilias by the sea-side. He marks the young ladies and children, who ride O’er the shingle-strewn beach of the ocean so wide, Upon donkeysa feat one would like to see tried By Paterfamilias by the sea-side. He has read, during breakfast, his paper-well dried, And he sits on the shore and peruses his Guide, Whilst apples and pebbles are now and then shied At Paterfamilias by the sea-side. Or the sea-weeds and shells his attention divide, With starfish, to plants that seem closely allied, And ships in the offing are through a glass spied By Paterfamilias by the sea-side. He bargains for shrimps-being cheaply supplied Provided they're not by the doctor denied, Whilst the little boys look on, and sometimes deride Old Paterfamilias by the sea-side. To the bathing-machines his mind's often applied, He considers the swimmers too plainly descried, Which gives much occasion to grumble and chide To Paterfamilias by the sea-side. 120 PTIE'S POCKET-3005 OF ITS. Detail is his passion, and oder his pride, So a journal he keeps, whereanto to confide The events of each day, with the roast, boiled and fried, Hadi by Paterfamiiias by the sea-side. A month or six weeks thus awas gently slide, In hotel or in lodging-house whilst they reside; Then payment of little account to provide Has Paterfamilias by the sea-side. Next day, in the Times, there's a letter espied, Where the bill and its items are all specified, And extortion denounced, and its harpies decried, By Paterfamilias from the sea-side. PROFUNDITIES. (From our own Shop-Basin.) LET woman argue as little as possible with man, not that she is not often in the right, but because her empire is in danger if her subjects think. Primogeniture has advantages for the first-born. To the first child, when at three years old it breaks a plate, we say, “ Did 'em den, well donee be frighteney.” The second on a similar occasion we scold, the third we turn out of the room, and the fourth we whip. Cowper says that “the tear that is wiped with address may be followed, perhaps, by a smile.” If it is a woman's tear, the “ perhaps " is unnecessary. You can always dry it with a dress. Putting on a bonnet is a long and troublesome process, PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 121 yet it is much easier than putting off paying for the article. The wife who is the worst housekeeper is the best hand at cooking her accounts. The key in which most married women's complaints are set is the latch-key. If your wife is particularly anxious that you should enjoy your breakfast some morning, don't be suspicious. It is just possible that a dress-maker may not be up-stairs with a bill in her pocket. Why is a woman's talk like light? Because it lasts from morn till night. The man who makes jokes at matrimony, has probably fouud matrimony no joke. Mercury forms alike the ball of the barometer and the back of the looking-glass. Yet, woman consults the second only, when she wants to go out. No hero was ever valet-de-chambre to a man. No marking-ink is so permanent as a printer's, and the name given you by his “font” outlasts that given by the font in church. A reputation for wit is frequently undeserved, but a reputation for folly, never. Woman knows the value of most things, and is always ready to exchange when the rate is in her favor. See how quickly a woman's name is given up for a man's. ' If nature means that we should warn before we strike, why did she give us fists before speech ? A smile is the receipt given when you pay a compli- ment-an awkward compliment, however, sometimes pro- vokes you to give a stamp. 122 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. Most men who make morning calls are donkeys, but the worst of them is the donkey that you can't get to go. [There were more in the basin but they shall come out another time. MR. PUNCH'S HANDBOOK TO ASTROLOGY. Description and Praise of the Science. ASTROLOGY means the finding out what influence the stars and planets have upon the actions of men and women. As they have no such influence at all, the science is purely imaginative, and is therefore entitled to a higher admiration than belongs to the exact sciences, which demand no exercise of imagination. One of the grand beauties of the science is that the most ignorant person may pursue it with as much success as the most learned, and indeed with more, for an ignorant person may easily persuade himself of the truth of astro- logy, and may therefore attain enthusiastic faith, while the better informed man, the more he studies the subject, becomes more and more convinced that he is wasting his time. Another great beauty of astrology is, that no two dis- ciples of the art ever can agree upon its teachings, and this circumstance must endear the pursuit to the free and in- dependent minds who nobly scorn to be bound by the opinions of others, and insist on thinking for themselves. A third nobleness of the pursuit is to be found in the fact that it is suited to all sorts and conditions of men. The stars, consulted through the astrologer, have not a PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 123 bit of pride about them, and will as readily gossip with Sarah the housemaid about the luckiest day on which to meet her sweetheart, John the butcher, as they will ap- prise an Emperor of a fortunate day to make a treaty, or a Generalissimo of the happy hour for going to battle. Lastly, there is the great and holy beauty attaching to martyrdom. For every body who practises or believes in astrology is held, by the so-called wise men of the earth, and by their laws, to be either a knave or a fool, or both. This persecution gives the pursuit an additional zest for such people as are found to patronize the art. How to practise it. If you are a professor of the art, that is, one who makes money thereby, I need not give you any advice. You have already learned the real value of astrology. But to the novice I will impart a few secrets, which, if duly studied, will enable him to know as much as your- self. To Compute a Scheme of the Heavens. Draw a square, and in the middle a small square, and a few cross lines, cutting the intermediate space up like a Chinese puzzle. Make upon each of these lines a figure like that upon the great blue, green, and red bottles in a chemist's window. Write Natus; which is the Latin for Born, in the centre square (or Nata, if you expect a female) and then wait for a victim. . When you get one, write the day and hour of his birth after the Latin word, and in conversation, or by pumping a servant, or other- wise, find out any thing you can about him. Take your 124 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. fee, mention that the stars are rather capricious this week, but that you will let them see their master. Then dismiss your man. In a fortnight, send him this sort of thing, varied according to circumstances : THE SQUARES ABOVE MENTIONED. “This native (always call him a native) has a curi. ously mixed fortune. At the hour of birth Mercury was in sextile to Jupiter, and the evil Saturn was rushing to combustion, while Pisces was intercepted in the First House, and Mars afflicted Hyleg, the life-giver, and en. tered his department in a malefic sequisquare. For these reasons I should advise the native to beware of lobsters, third-cousins, antibilious pills, and omnibuses, but he may freely indulge in fermented liquors, theatrical amusements, and fireworks. . “The native's ruling planet is Uranus, and he must therefore not expect his hair to curl. His horoscope is rather cloudy, and I would counsel him not to smoke ex. cept on the Sabbath day. The planets show that the native has been reasonably well educated, but I should not advise him to compete for the highest honors at the Universities. He will be successful in commercial per. suits, if he acts with industry and honesty, and avoids eating periwinkles between the 11th and 23d of the month. “The native's matrimonial career will be chequered. From the aspect of Jupiter and his quartile lights in trine PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. . 125 with the lunation of the Sun, I should recommend him to marry a female of pleasing aspect, intelligence, and good temper, and possessed of a competence. In this case, and by avoiding onions in the years 1859 and 1861, his pros- pects of comfort may be considered as favorable. “The native must on no account become a hierarch of the Churches of England or Rome, or take any great office of state under the Crown, as the baleful aspect of yellow Staturn proves that he could not be prosperous. But any inferior situation of a lucrative character (Mercury seems to except the Mastership of the Mint) he will do well to accept. “ In 1857 the native will take several journeys and meet new acquaintances, but let him beware of over-con- fidence. In 1858 he will undertake a matter which will fail unless he throw great energy into it. In 1859 he will sustain a loss, but not of a very grave character, and in 1860 he will meet with a disappointment, which may tem- porarily cast a shade over his life. The stars add little, except that the native must beware of falling off preci- pices, of being run over by cabs, and of eating hot sup- pers, and let none of his children be christened out of a soup-tureen, or by any name beginning with E or Z. Consult me again after the vernal equinox.” COURAGE IN THE CANINE SPECIES.—The happy possessor of a pet dog can generally testify that the faithful animal will lick any thing. THE HOME OF THE BRITISH DRAMA.-A French Crib. . PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 126 COLD IN THE HEAD A MEDICAL DRAMA. SUBJOINED, as specimens, are some extracts from a Play to be produced under the above title, next Season, at a fashionable Theatre. The subject has been selected in consideration of the nosological taste lately so successfully stimulated by a creation of French dramatic genius. The piece is divided into Five Acts, entitled respectively, Im- prudence, Catarrh, Bronchitis, Consumption, and Cod's Liver Oil. The dénouement, as indicated by the title of Act V., is favorable; but the heroine has previously, to all appearance, expired on the stage, after presenting all the symptoms of phthisis pulmonalis with clinical accuracy. The portions selected for quotation are those of which the interest is the least harrowing. In Act I. Bradshaw and Isabel, whose relations and positions in the Drama are obvious, meet, by appointment, under romantic circum- stances. Isabel catches a Cold in the Head, and the train of consequences thence resulting constitutes the action. ACT I.-IMPRUDENCE. SCENE-A Grove at the end of a Vale. Moonlight. A Harothorn Bush, with seat beneath the shade. BRADSHAW alone. Brad. O beauteous night! But here comes Isabel, True (looks at his watch) to a second. Punctuality, (Enter ISABEL.) Thou art the Soul of Love ! [They embrace. Isab. My dearest Edward ! PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 127 id ulift tibay, Ocious 1 dheir be Brad. O Isabel, my life, my soul, my um— (emotion smothers the remainder of the expression.) Come, let us sit, love (they seat themselves), and this arm of mine Circling thee like—but what is there like this? We'll watch yon evening star. Isab. Ugh! [Shivers. Brad. Isabel ! You shudder'd. What's the matter ? Isab. Nothing, dear; Only the sudden chill one feels sometimes When somebody, as the old nurses say, Is walking o'er one's grave. Brad. That horrid word ! Name it not, Isabel. Uplift thy gaze To the bright stars and to the glorious moon. There !—now those glowing eyes reflect their beams, Oh, with what interest of added light ! Isab. A-tisha! [Sneezes. Brad. Dearest. Isab. Tisha !_isha misha! [Sneeze again. Brad. I fear- Isab. A-tish! Continuing to sneeze. Brad. You've caught- Isab. Isha !--isha !- Brad. Cold. Let me wrap you in this cloak, love. What is it you're looking for ? Isab. My han-a-tisha l- My handkerchief.* A-tisha! Oh dear! I've left it Behi-i-i-i-i-i-tisha !-ind. 128 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. Brad. Make this a temporary substitute Ah ! 'tis the damp night-air-you're thinly clad- This will not do, love. Heavens ! should any harm Befall thy precious health, and I the cause ! The thought is madness. Come, lean on this arm, I'll see thee safe home. Isab. Dearest Edward, nay, The way is short, and I should be so vexed If we were seen. How sad it is to part ! A-tisha! Brad. Say, when shall we meet again ? Isab. I'll wr--i-ite-a-tisha ! and let you know : Edward, farewell. Brad. My Isabel, adieu ! [They embrace again. Stay, dearest, put this cloak on; wear it home, And cast it off a little from the house; I shall know where to find it. . Isab. Edward ! what That nice new cloak ? throw it into the road ? Oh no! I could not think of such a thing. Once more good-bye, love, till we meet again. [Exit. Brad. A black and envious cloud hath risen up, And threatens to bedim the radiant moon. [A sneeze in the distance. Ha! I fear that was Isabel again. Humph! some do reckon it good luck to sneeze: Such may the omen prove to Isabel. [Exit. Act closes. ACT II.-CATARRH. [The temporary absence of Isabel, in the preceding PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 129 Act, from her home, has not been effectually concealed from her Mamma. An explanation has ensued; and the indulgent parent has been prevailed upon to countenance the addresses of Bradshaw : the rather from anxiety about the health of her child, whose moonlight assignation has resulted in a severe cold in the head.] SCENE-ISABEL's Boudoir. Isabel alone, muffled in a sharol, and her head bandaged. Isab. 'Tis dear the tibe whel Edward was to cub; [Looks at herself in a mirror. Oh, by! I do look such a shockilg fright, I albost dread (uses handkerchief) to bect by lover's eye, With such a loze, ald yet I bust, or else He'll falcy that Babba wol't let be see hib. This cubs of sittilg lookilg at the Bool. That sowld! it is his footstep. Enter Seroant BBADSAW following. [Exit Servant. Brad. What do I see? Isabel thus !-in invalid attire ! - What is the matter !—Speak, love ! Isab. Lothilg, dear, At least dot butch the batter. Oldly a cold, I shall be better sood. Re-enter Servant with Basin of Gruel on a tray, which she places on Work-Table, and Exit. Brad. My suffering angel ! Oh let me try and (wheels arm-chair to table) make you comfortable. [Draws shawls closer around her, &c. 130. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. Isab. Thalks, Edward. [Uses handkerchief. Brad. Now, love, take a drop of this. [Feeds her with gruel. Isab. Ah!-stay a bobelt-'tis too hot. Brad. Oh, dear! Stop, let me cool it. [Tastes a little. Isab. Is it dice ? Brad. Not very. Isab. (laughing.) Ha, ha, ha, ha! You see, love, I cad laugh. Brad. That's right, my darling. Isab. Oh, dear!-oh! by side ! Brad. A pain, love ? Isab. Yes—a little paid il the chest. Brad. Stay, dearest, let me just apply my ear- For somewhat have I gain'd of physic's lore- To ascertain the state of that dear chest Where lies my chiefest treasure. Please hold still. [Performs auscultation Those little fingers in my hair, dear love, Confuse the sounds, you know-stop-hush—why, yes! The respiratory murmur's audible, But with a râle, well, that one would expect- There is a rapid action of the heart.- Isab. It beats for you alode. Enter Servant, with tub. Serv. Ahem! [BRADSHAW TISES Brad. What's this? Isab. Oh!—by hot water, dear, to put by feet il. | PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 131 /17 132 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. Put it dowl, Bary, [Mary sets down the tub. Whel I walt you I'll rig. [Exit Servant. Brad. Alas! then, I must go. Ah! would the right To stay and tend thee, Isabel, were mine. Isab. I dow you'd bake a bost atteltive durse. Brad. And so I hope some day to prove, if need Should be for proof—which may there never be ! Do you feel better now, love ? Isab. Oh, buch better. Brad. Come let me put your bath in readiness. [Moves the tub of hot water to her feet. And then one parting kiss. Isab. Lo !-stop a billet. [Uses handkerchief. Low thel ! [They embrace. Brad. Farewell! Oh, soon, ye gracious powers, restore My love to health and me to happiness! Exit. Isab. How quickly does love bake the billets fly! Il the beal tibe by gruel has got cold ! [Rings a hand-bell and prepares to put her feet into hot water as the SCENE closes. A REFLECTION ON LITERATURE.—It is a well-authen- ticated fact, that the name of a Book has a great deal to do with its sale and its success. How strange that titles should go for so much in the Republic of Letters ! IRISH DEVELOPMENT.—Pat and his whiskey resemble each other; they come out to most advantage in " hot water." PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 133 PHILOSOPHICAL DRAMA. Our readers need not be alarmed. We are not going into a disquisition concerning the “Stage in Germany"- a subject which so alarmed the editors of the Antijacobin some years ago. We wish merely to offer a few sugges- tions with reference to some advertisements we met with lately. It seems that the proprietors of the Polytechnic and Panopticon are about to introduce dramatic readings and sing songs as part of their attractions—there can be no objection we should think to this. To unite the utile cum dulci has long been the wish of right-minded educa- tionists, and there seems to be no reason why the crucible cum dulcimer should not be engaged in furtherance of scientific education. That Shakspeare knew any thing of the Atomic theory, of the diffusion of gases, or of compound radicals, we may be permitted to doubt; but a general notion of chemical laws he must have had. His allusion to the possibility of the dust of Alexander ultimately stopping a beer barrel is sufficient proof that he understood all about the inde- structibility of matter, while the familiar manner in which Touchstone speaks of the retort “courteous” shows on the part of the author an acquaintance with chemical apparatus. But we do not intend to go into the question “did Shakspeare understand Chemistry ?” we leave that to Mr. Charles Knight, who can no doubt make the sub- ject as clear as day. We merely wish, as we said before, to offer a few suggestions which we hope the proprietor of the Polytechnic will not think us precipitate in making 134 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. at this early stage of the chemical drama speculation. We would respectfully hint that instead of reading old plays, new ones should be written and read—the plots laid in the laboratory; and scenes of thrilling interest might Nu easily be got up with the voltaic battery : the titles must be appropriate and taking. For instance, Margarite of Glycerine would be, as they say in the transpontine dis- tricts, a stunner; and if “written up to " with a purpose on the amusement and instruction plan, would be sure to take. Mr. Pepper might make the reading of various PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 135 compounds quite simple, and if he could not reach the sublime, might at least achieve a sublimate. With passing remarks on the organic compounds, with an accompani- ment on the piano, together with allusion to the connection between the treble and bass, and the tribasic phosphates, the thing would be sure to go off well. Even a “scream- ing" effect might be produced, when ladies are present, by the judicious introduction of a few explosions—" as part of the performance,” as Jack said. “The reduced Oxide, or I don't care a Button," would be a good title for either farce or tragedy; and with a few well-seasoned remarks from Mr. Pepper, a good audience could not fail to be mustered. A TEA-TOTALLER'S WISH. Mine be a cot beside a rill, Where I can always drink my fill, And underneath an osier's clump Give me a good old-fashioned pump. Let me a pleasant brook command, Where I could drink out of my hand, Or ask—for lack of other mug- The nightingale to lend his jug. A stream should run from north to south, O’er which I'd hold my watering mouth; And if on more I fain would glut, Give me a good-sized water-butt. 136 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. Let others sing the joys of wine- The cistern's wholesome draught be mine; I only need a small estate, Enough to pay my water-rate. Let me hang idly o'er the marge Of some full-laden river-barge; My face in water let me dip, To catch the fluid on my lip. Wealth has for me nor charm nor bribe, While water I can still imbibe ; Let poets other seasons sing, But give me a perpetual spring. DOMESTIC RECIPES. By a Homoeopathic Doctor. A GOOD, WHOLESOME BREAKFAST.—Take the billionth part of a roll, crumble it in the fiftieth part of a pint of milk; boil the two together, and serve up with ifths of a hard egg. A REFRESHING LUNCHEON.—Half a dram of cheese, and two ounces of stale bread, with 4 pint of table-beer in a quart of water. A HEARTY DINNER.—1 ounce, 6 drams, 2 scruples of lean rumpsteak, 1 potato, and 18 grains of greens. For pudding—10 pennyweights of boiled rice, with 1.ths of a spoon of moist sugar. If fruit is in season, a handsome PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 137 dessert may be sent up of 2 gooseberries, 6 currants, and the eth part of an apple. A STIFF GLASS OF GROG.—-16 drops of gooseberry wine in a tumbler of water. A LIGHT SUPPER.-Two scruples of gruel, with the thousandth part of a grain of nutmeg, and half as much of sugar. AN INFALLIBLE CURE FOR A COLD.—Drink 2nths of a Seidlitz powder, dissolved in a jug of water, put your feet in a pint of warm water, and apply to your nose some tallow, but be careful it is not more than the tenth part of a pin’s head, or else it will do no good. : FALSE HAIRS AND GRACES. An indignant father of a family has sent us a circular, which he snatched from the bands of his eldest daughter, and in which young ladies are invited by some atrocious dealer in wigs to adopt his filthy manufacture, by mixing with their own locks the hair cut from the heads of other people—frequently on account of fever, and sometimes under circumstances of a still less attractive nature. We share with our Correspondent the disgust he feels at these mercenaries, who, for the sake of selling a few sham curls and fictitious tresses, put falsehood literally into the heads of the rising generation—and, oh horror! the female part of it. We are not advocates for violence, and we are rather disposed to agree with the Dramatist, that “the man who lays his hand,” &c. &c., “is an,” &c., “whom it would be gross flattery to call an,” &c., &c. We, never- PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 139 I I've some, as well,—no doubt but what you're perfectly aware on't, Ma'am, Whose doings bring derision and discredit on their parent, Ma'am.” “There are boys of mine," says Physic, “Ma'am, such silly fancies nourishing, As curing gout and stomach-ache by pawing and by flour- ishing." “Well,” says Divinity, “I've those who teach that Hea- ven's beatitudes Are to be earned by postures, genuflexions, bows, and attitudes." “My good-for-nothing sons," says Physic, "some have turned hydropathists ; Some taken up with mesmerism, or joined the homoeopa- thists." "Mine," says Divinity, “pursue a system of gimcrackery, Called Puseyism, a pack of stuff, and quite as arrant quackery." Says Physic, “Mine have sleep-walkers, pretending, through the hide of you, To look, although their eyes are shut, and tell you what's inside of you." “Ah !” says Divinity, “so mine, with quibbling and with cavilling, Would have you, Ma'am, to blind yourself, to see the road to travel in." turne 130. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. Isab. Thalks, Edward. [Uses handkerchief. Brad. Now, love, take a drop of this. [Feeds her with gruel. Isab. Ahl-stay a bobelt'tis too hot. Brad. Oh, dear ! Stop, let me cool it. [Tastes a little. Isab. Is it dice? Brad. Not very Isab. (laughing.) Ha, ha, ha, ha! You see, love, I cad laugh. Brad. That's right, my darling. Isab. Oh, dear !-oh! by side ! Brad. A pain, love ? Isab. Yes—a little paid il the chest. Brad. Stay, dearest, let me just apply my ear- For somewhat have I gain’d of physic's lore- To ascertain the state of that dear chest Where lies my chiefest treasure. Please hold still. [Performs auscultation Those little fingers in my hair, dear love, Confuse the sounds, you know-stop-hush—why, yes! The respiratory murmur's audible, But with a râle, well, that one would expect- There is a rapid action of the heart.- Isab. It beats for you alode. Enter Servant, with tub. Serv. Ahem! [BRADSHAW rises. Brad. What's this? Isab. Oh!—by hot water, dear, to put by feet il. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 131 Pro 132 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. Put it dowl, Bary, [Mary sets down the tub. Whel I walt you I'll rig. [Escit Servant. Brad. Alas! then, I must go. Ah! would the right To stay and tend thee, Isabel, were mine. Isab. I dow you'd bake a bost atteltive durse. Brad. And so I hope some day to prove, if need Should be for proof—which may there never be ! Do you feel better now, love ? Isab. Oh, buch better. Brad. Come let me put your bath in readiness. [Moves the tub of hot water to her feet. And then one parting kiss. Isab. Lo !stop a billet. [Uses handkerchief. Low thel ! [They embrace. Brad. Farewell! Oh, soon, ye gracious powers, restore My love to health and me to happiness! . [Exit. Isab. How quickly does love bake the billets fly! Il the beal tibe by gruel has got cold ! [Rings a hand-bell and prepares to put her feet into hot water as the SCENE closes. A REFLECTION ON LITERATURE.—It is a well-authen- ticated fact, that the name of a Book has a great deal to do with its sale and its success. How strange that titles should go for so much in the Republic of Letters ! IRISH DEVELOPMENT.—Pat and his whiskey resemble each other; they come out to most advantage in “hot water." PUN 133 POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. wotion. PHILOSOPHICAL DRAMA. Our readers need not be alarmed. We are not going into a disquisition concerning the “Stage in Germany"- a subject which so alarmed the editors of the Antijacobin some years ago. We wish merely to offer a few sugges- tions with reference to some advertisements we met with lately. It seems that the proprietors of the Polytechnic and Panopticon are about to introduce dramatic readings and sing songs as part of their attractions—there can be no objection we should think to this. To unite the utile cum dulci has long been the wish of right-minded educa- tionists, and there seems to be no reason why the crucible cum dulcimer should not be engaged in furtherance of scientific education. That Shakspeare knew any thing of the Atomic theory, of the diffusion of gases, or of compound radicals, we may be permitted to doubt; but a general notion of chemical laws he must have had. His allusion to the possibility of the dust of Alexander ultimately stopping a beer barrel is sufficient proof that he understood all about the inde- structibility of matter, while the familiar manner in which Touchstone speaks of the retort “courteous” shows on the part of the author an acquaintance with chemical apparatus. But we do not intend to go into the question “ did Shakspeare understand Chemistry ?” we leave that to Mr. Charles Knight, who can no doubt make the sub- ject as clear as day. We merely wish, as we said before, to offer a few suggestions which we hope the proprietor of the Polytechnic will not think us precipitate in making 134 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. at this early stage of the chemical drama speculation. We would respectfully hint that instead of reading old plays, new ones should be written and read—the plots laid in the laboratory; and scenes of thrilling interest might I easily be got up with the voltaic battery : the titles must be appropriate and taking. For instance, Margarite of Glycerine would be, as they say in the transpontine dis- tricts, a stunner; and if " written up to” with a purpose on the amusement and instruction plan, would be sure to take. Mr. Pepper might make the reading of various PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 135 compounds quite simple, and if he could not reach the sublime, might at least achieve a sublimate. With passing remarks on the organic compounds, with an accompani- ment on the piano, together with allusion to the connection between the treble and bass, and the tribasic phosphates, the thing would be sure to go off well. Even a “scream- ing" effect might be produced, when ladies are present, by the judicious introduction of a few explosions—" as part of the performance," as Jack said. « The reduced Oxide, or I don't care a Button," would be a good title for either farce or tragedy; and with a few well-seasoned remarks from Mr. Pepper, a good audience could not fail to be mustered. A TEA-TOTALLER'S WISH. Mine be a cot beside a rill, Where I can always drink my fill, And underneath an osier's clump Give me a good old-fashioned pump. Let me a pleasant brook command, Where I could drink out of my hand, Or ask-for lack of other mug- The nightingale to lend his jug. A stream should run from north to south, O'er which I'd hold my watering mouth; And if on more I fain would glut, Give me a good-sized water-butt. 136 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. Let others sing the joys of wine- The cistern’s wholesome draught be mine; I only need a small estate, Enough to pay my water-rate. Let me hang idly o’er the marge Of some full-laden river-barge; My face in water let me dip, To catch the fluid on my lip. Wealth has for me nor charm nor bribe, While water I can still imbibe ; Let poets other seasons sing, But give me a perpetual spring. DOMESTIO RECIPES. By a Homoopathic Doctor. A GOOD, WHOLESOME BREAKFAST.—Take the billionth part of a roll, crumble it in the fiftieth part of a pint of milk; boil the two together, and serve up with ifths of a hard egg. A REFRESHING LUNCHEON.—Half a dram of cheese, and two ounces of stale bread, with pint of table-beer in a quart of water. A HEARTY DINNER.—1 ounce, 6 drams, 2 scruples of lean rumpsteak, 1 potato, and 18 grains of greens. For pudding—10 pennyweights of boiled rice, with ths of a spoon of moist sugar. If fruit is in season, a handsome PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 137 dessert may be sent up of 2 gooseberries, 6 currants, and the oth part of an apple. A STIFF Glass OF Grog.--16 drops of gooseberry wine in a tumbler of water. A LIGHT SUPPER.—Two scruples of gruel, with the thousandth part of a grain of nutmeg, and half as much of sugar. AN INFALLIBLE CURE FOR A COLD.—Drink to ths of a Seidlitz powder, dissolved in a jug of water, put your feet in a pint of warm water, and apply to your nose some tallow, but be careful it is not more than the tenth part of a pin's head, or else it will do no good. FALSE HAIRS AND GRACES. An indignant father of a family has sent us a circular, which he snatched from the bands of his eldest daughter, and in which young ladies are invited by some atrocious dealer in wigs to adopt his filthy manufacture, by mixing with their own locks the hair cut from the heads of other people—frequently on account of fever, and sometimes under circumstances of a still less attractive nature. We share with our Correspondent the disgust he feels at these mercenaries, who, for the sake of selling a few sham curls and fictitious tresses, put falsehood literally into the heads of the rising generation—and, oh horror! the female part of it. We are not advocates for violence, and we are rather disposed to agree with the Dramatist, that "the man who lays his hand,” &c. &c., " is an," &c., “whom it would be gross flattery to call an,” &c., &c. We, never- 138 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. theless, are disposed to think, that if a young lady is sus- pected of wearing false hair it would be allowable to dash her wig to the ground; and though we are not inclined to recommend the tearing of the hair, we would excuse any one who should unmask a female impostor by carrying away the “false front” under which she may have ven- tured to present herself. KINDRED QUACKS. I OVERHEARD two matrons grave, allied by close affinity, (The name of one was Physic, and the other's was Divinity,) As they put their groans together, both so doleful and lugubrious :- Says Physic, “ To unload the heart of grief, Ma'am, is salubrious : Here am I, at my time of life, in this year of our deliver- ance; My age gives me a right to look for some esteem and reverence. But, Ma'am, I feel it is too true what everybody says to me,- Too many of my children are a shame and a disgrace to me.” “Ah!” says Divinity, “my heart can suffer with another, Ma'am; I'm sure I can well understand your feelings as a mother, Ma'am. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 139 I've some, as well, no doubt but what you're perfectly aware on't, Ma'am, Whose doings bring derision and discredit on their parent, Ma'am.” "There are boys of mine," says Physic, “Ma'am, such silly fancies nourishing, As curing gout and stomach-ache by pawing and by flour- ishing." “Well," says Divinity, “I've those who teach that Hea- ven's beatitudes Are to be earned by postures, genuflexions, bows, and attitudes." “My good-for-nothing sons,” says Physic, “ some have turned hydropathists ; Some taken up with mesmerism, or joined the homøopa- thists." “Mine,” says Divinity,“ pursue a system of gimcrackery, Called Puseyism, a pack of stuff, and quite as arrant quackery." Says Physic, “Mine have sleep-walkers, pretending, through the hide of you, To look, although their eyes are shut, and tell you what's inside of you.” “Ah !” says Divinity, “so mine, with quibbling and with cavilling, Would have you, Ma'am, to blind yourself, to see the road to travel in." 140 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. “ Mine,” Physic says, “ have quite renounced their good old pills and potions, Ma'am, For doses of a billionth of a grain and such wild notions, Ma'am.”. “So," says Divinity," have mine left wholesome exhorta- tion, Ma'am, For credence-tables, reredoses rood-lofts and maceration, Ma'am." “But hospitals,” says Physic, “my misguided boys are founding, Ma'am.” "Well,” says Divinity,“ of mine, the chapels are abound- ing, Ma'am.” “ Mine are trifling with diseases, Ma'am,” says Physie, “not attacking them." “Mine,” says Divinity, “instead of curing souls are quacking them.” “Ah, Ma’am,” says Physic, “I'm to blame, I fear, for these absurdities." “That's my fear, too,” Divinity says, “ Ma'am, upon my word it is." Says Physic, “Fees, not science, have been far too much my wishes, Ma'am.” “ Truth,” says Divinity, “I've loved much less than loaves and fishes, Ma'am.” Says each to each, “We're simpletons or sad deceivers, some of us; And I am sure, Ma'am, I don't know whatever will be oome of us.” PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 141 BABYOLATRY. LET us not be misunderstood. All we ask for is toler- ation. We would prevent no man from gazing upon his own in silent adoration as long as to him seemeth meet; but if there be aliens who, not having been naturalized, are apt to regard the bassinette at which paternal rapture kneels, as connected with heathen forms of worship, re- spect their conscientious qualms. In the scale of charity : our scruples ought to have their proper weight. We freely admit that Johnson's baby is a model, and : would carry off the palm in its little fist, from any exhibi- tion of the products of farinaceous food. But is that any reason why we should be hurried up to the idol's shrine, and required to bow down and tickle it? What we agi- tate for is a great Nursery Reformation—no coercive Ba- byolatry. Those who feel strongly that the times are out of joint, cannot be expected to mince matters. Our premises in Eden Terrace have led us to one conclusion, and that is, if the Band of Hope, consisting of ten very juvenile per- formers, will commence their vocal illustrations at the un- seasonable hour of two o'clock in the morning, we shall give notice to quit the premises in question at Lady-day next. Our Landord Johnson, whose unweaned twins ride on the whirlwind and direct the storm, is the High Priest of Babyolatry. When we remonstrate, he smiles at our vehemence; when we threaten to leave and take lodgings in the far-famed cavern under Blackheath Hill, he shakes his head, and fears there is something defective in our moral 142 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. the presidden 10ly playinkaney, our liar. We sentiments. This we angrily deny. We love innocent prattle—no one more so—in proof of which we subscribed with others to build a palace for Tom Thumb. We have the organ of philoprogenitiveness as largely developed as our baby-ridden neighbors; we only object to your infant Sap- phos perpetually playing upon it, and putting it out of tune. With respect to infancy, our hopes and fears may be deemed perhaps somewhat peculiar. We can't help it. We dread a night-shriek. We desire peace (and are will. ing to pay a high rent for it), not only abroad, but at home. How delightful it is to contemplate " Lawrence's children;" with what tender emotions we have often hung over Sir Joshua Reynolds's! O! if Nature had only the repose of Art !_if a picture gallery and a nursery were equally con- ducive to calm and suggestive thought, who would not then rush eagerly forward to snatch a plume from Cupid's wing wherewith to subscribe himself, AVUNCULUS. P.S. The above philosophical dissertations were penned eighteen months ago. Since then our domestic status has been somewhat changed, and circumstances alter cases. With deep humility we indite this our recantation. Fain would we blot out every word we have written on Baby- olatry. Time will not permit us to say more, as the Per- ambulator is ready before our study windows, and which, owing to our nursery maid's indisposition, we have prom- ised personally to propel all round the Regent's Park, and to take special care that we don't overturn the pre- cious charge, in whom we feel so deep and natural an in. terest-bless its little heart ! PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 143 ITTI IT TIL 19lly M We W CARGO WHAT IS A BABY ?_Why, a Baby is a living I. O. U. a "little Bill ” drawn upon Manhood, that is only hon- ored when it arrives at maturity. 144 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. THE FINE OLD ENGLISH INNKEEPER. AIR-Sufficiently Obvious. I'll sing you a new song on a theme much stirred of late, Of a fine old English Innkeeper, grown rather out of date, Who keeps up his establishment in almost princely state, And don't forget to charge you there at quite a princely rate, Like a fine old English Innkeeper, one of the olden time. His house, you 're told, is fitted up " regardless of expense,” Although one half is obsolete, and t'other make-pretence; Exploded old four-posters, built in GEORGE THE SECOND'S reign, Mock plate to serve mock-turtle in, sham ice-pails for champagne : At this fine old English Innkeeper's, one of the olden time. The swipes he draws is sour enough to turn a navvy pale, Tho' by a bitter raillery he calls it bitter ale; And tho' perhaps you don't see half a waiter all the day, For “attendance" quite as much as for a lawyer's you must pay To this fine old English Innkeeper, one of the olden time. Then if to wine your tastes incline, some home-made Cape you'll get, Served up in a decanter like a vinegar-cruet, PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 145 As a “ bottle of Madeira” this will in the bill be set, And however nasty it may be, a nice sum you're in debt To the fine old English Innkeeper, one of the olden time. And if your wife be with you, you must have a private room, And use a pair of " wax-lights” (with a muttony perfume), For which you'll pay a crown a day, and 'tis a burning shame : That, whether they be lit or not, they're charged for just the same By this rare old English Innkeeper, one of the olden time. But soon these fine old Innkeepers will find their race is run, For men are up and doing, and no longer will be done : And shortly we may hope to see a really good hotel, Where we may be admitted, and not taken in as well, As we were by our old Innkeeper, one of the fleecing time. QUITE NATURAL. NATURALISTS, when they write, are in the habit of re- cording such wonderful things, that one would imagine they labored under the idea that, instead of a Natural History, they were writing a History for Naturals ! THE WORLD'S OPINION.-A mean man is a person with a small income who lives within it. 146 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. DOGGREL ON DUELLING. O fight a duel is a very fool. ish action, Particularly with a view to satisfaction; A pretty sort of satisfac- tion it is to be shot! For if you fight, of course you 're as likely to be hit, as not. Suppose you happen to have half-an-ounce of lead Driven, by a scruple of gunpowder, through your silly head, Then, there's an end of you—if what you believe's not true- And if it is so much the worse for you! Suppose the bullet lodges—as it may- In your hip-joint, or knocks your jaw away, A nice satisfaction, indeed, you derive from the strife, Having to live in misery, a mutilated object, all your life. Or, in case the ball goes crashing through your leg, Being forced to have your limb cut off, and hobble through the world on a wooden peg. Take the other alternative : suppose you are missed, And, instead of being hit yourself, kill your antagonist, A deal of satisfaction, again, forsooth, you get thereby; The country, immediately, you are obliged to fly, And, like a thief or a swindler, go abroad and hide Unless you choose to surrender, for wilful murder to be tried. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 147 And there you are, in the felons' dock, looking like a goose; And your satisfaction consists in having run your neck into a noose; Or, if you escape the gallows, getting imprisoned at least a year, Deprived of every comfort, not even allowed a drop of beer; : Or, even if you are acquitted, having your lawyer's bill to pay; And that is any thing but satisfaction, I should say. Not to mention the reflection, which must be the reverse of pleasant, That you have gone and shot a fellow-creature like a pheasant, Or a partridge; and here you are, with his blood on your - head, Not a comfortable thing to think upon when you go to bed. Besides, it is childish, as well as savage, to want to shoot a man for "chaff," At which, if you've any sort of character, you can afford to laugh, Instead of foolishly calling him out, and risking your pre- cious hide, And thus, perhaps, in attempting murder, committing sui- cide. THE FRUITS OF MATRIMONY. A MAGNIFICENT dessert, and a beautiful family of six or eight children, winding up with a baby in long clothes, who are brought in after dinner to do justice to it—these are at all events some of the Fruits of Matrimony. 148 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. THE SURGEON'S WIND. THE Wind is North-East-so let it be ! The North-East Wind is the wind for me, To me it blows good if to none besides; For the boys on the pavement cut out slides, And the passenger on the hard flagstones Comes down, ha, ha! and breaks his bones. I have had a radius to do, And a compound fractured tibia, too. And that had been scarce ten minutes gone, When in came a case of olecranon. There was next a dislocated hip, Resulting also from a slip. Zymotic diseases lend a charm To genial Autumn, moist and warm. We have Scarlatina and Typhus then, And Cholera good for medical men: But practice is best, I always find, In the bracing air of the North-East Wind. When the North-Easter whistles shrill, It makes me think on the little bill To many a patient that I shall send, Whom that wind calls me to attend. And though its music may seem severe, 'Tis a strain to gladden a Surgeon's ear. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 149 WHAT HAPPENED TO SMUTH AFTER SENDING HIS WET UMBRELLA TO BE AIR ED IN THE KITOIEN. KEEP YOUR TEMPER. —Avoid entering into an argu- ment with a deaf man in a railway carriage, as it is sure to lead to high words. 140 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. “ Mine,” Physic says, “ have quite renounced their good old pills and potions, Ma'am, For doses of a billionth of a grain and such wild notions, Ma'am.” . “So," says Divinity,“ have mine left wholesome exhorta. tion, Ma'am, For credence-tables, reredoses rood-lofts and maceration, Ma'am.” “But hospitals,” says Physic, “my misguided boys are founding, Ma'am.” “Well," says Divinity,“ of mine, the chapels are abound- ing, Ma'am.” “Mine are trifling with diseases, Ma'am,” says Physic, “not attacking them.” “Mine," says Divinity, “instead of curing souls are quacking them.” “Ah, Ma'am," says Physic, “I'm to blame, I fear, for these absurdities.” “That's my fear, too,” Divinity says, “Ma'am, upon my word it is.” Says Physic, “ Fees, not science, have been far too much my wishes, Ma'am.” “ Truth," says Divinity, “ I've loved much less than loaves and fishes, Ma'am.” Says each to each, “We're simpletons or sad deceivers, some of us; And I am sure, Ma'am, I don't know whatever will be- come of us." PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 141 141 BABYOLATRY. LET us not be misunderstood. All we ask for is toler- ation. We would prevent no man from gazing upon his own in silent adoration as long as to him seemeth meet; but if there be aliens who, not having been naturalized, are apt to regard the bassinette at which paternal rapture kneels, as connected with heathen forms of worship, re- spect their conscientious qualms. In the scale of charity our scruples ought to have their proper weight. We freely admit that Johnson's baby is a model, and would carry off the palm in its little fist, from any exhibi- tion of the products of farinaceous food. But is that any reason why we should be hurried up to the idol's shrine, and required to bow down and tickle it? What we agi- tate for is a great Nursery Reformation-no coercive Ba- byolatry. Those who feel strongly that the times are out of joint, cannot be expected to mince matters. Our premises in Eden Terrace have led us to one conclusion, and that is, if the Band of Hope, consisting of ten very juvenile per- formers, will commence their vocal illustrations at the un- seasonable hour of two o'clock in the morning, we shall give notice to quit the premises in question at Lady-day next. Our Landord Johnson, whose unweaned twins ride on the whirlwind and direct the storm, is the High Priest of Babyolatry. When we remonstrate, he smiles at our vehemence; when we threaten to leave and take lodgings in the far-famed cavern under Blackheath Hill, he shakes his head, and fears there is something defective in our moral 142 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. sentiments. This we angrily deny. We love innocent prattle—no one more so—in proof of which we subscribed with others to build a palace for Tom Thumb. We have the organ of philoprogenitiveness as largely developed as our baby-ridden neighbors; we only object to your infant Sap- phos perpetually playing upon it, and putting it out of tune. With respect to infancy, our hopes and fears may be deemed perhaps somewhat peculiar. We can't help it. We dread a night-shriek. We desire peace (and are will. ing to pay a high rent for it), not only abroad, but at home. How delightful it is to contemplate “ Lawrence's children;" with what tender emotions we have often hung over Sir Joshua Reynolds's! O! if Nature had only the repose of Art !—if a picture-gallery and a nursery were equally con- ducive to calm and suggestive thought, who would not then rush eagerly forward to snatch a plume from Cupid's wing wherewith to subscribe himself, AVUNCULUS. P.S. The above philosophical dissertations were penned eighteen months ago. Since then our domestic status has been somewhat changed, and circumstances alter cases. With deep humility we indite this our recantation. Fain would we blot out every word we have written on Baby- olatry. Time will not permit us to say more, as the Per- ambulator is ready before our study windows, and which, owing to our nursery maid's indisposition, we have prom- ised personally to propel all round the Regent's Park, and to take special care that we don't overturn the pre- cious charge, in whom we feel so deep and natural an in- terest-bless its little heart ! PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 143 EUIL illi WWW Waar 18 A BABY P_Why, a Baby is a living I. O. U. a "little Bill ” drawn upon Manhood, that is only hon- ored when it arrives at maturity. 144 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. THE FINE OLD ENGLISH INNKEEPER. AIR–Sufficiently Obvious. I'LL sing you a new song on a theme much stirred of late, Of a fine old English Innkeeper, grown rather out of date, Who keeps up his establishment in almost princely state, And don't forget to charge you there at quite a princely rate, Like a fine old English Innkeeper, one of the olden time. His house, you 're told, is fitted up" regardless of expense,” Although one half is obsolete, and t'other make-pretence; Exploded old four-posters, built in GEORGE THE SECOND'S reign, . Mock plate to serve mock-turtle in, sham ice-pails for champagne : At this fine old English Innkeeper's, one of the olden time. The swipes he draws is sour enough to turn a navvy pale, Tho' by a bitter raillery he calls it bitter ale; And tho' perhaps you don't see half a waiter all the day, For “attendance” quite as much as for a lawyer's you must pay To this fine old English Innkeeper, one of the olden time. Then if to wine your tastes incline, some home-made Cape you'll get, Served up in a decanter like a vinegar-cruet, 146 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. DOGGREL ON DUELLING. O fight a duel is a very fool. ish action, Particularly with a view to satisfaction; A pretty sort of satisfac- tion it is to be shot ! For if you fight, of course you 're as likely to be hit, as not. Suppose you happen to have half-an-ounce of lead Driven, by a scruple of gunpowder, through your silly head, Then, there's an end of you—if what you believe's not true- And if it is so much the worse for you! Suppose the bullet lodges—as it may- In your hip-joint, or knocks your jaw away, A nice satisfaction, indeed, you derive from the strife, Having to live in misery, a mutilated object, all your life. Or, in case the ball goes crashing through your leg, Being forced to have your limb cut off, and hobble through the world on a wooden peg. Take the other alternative : suppose you are missed, And, instead of being hit yourself, kill your antagonist, A deal of satisfaction, again, forsooth, you get thereby; The country, immediately, you are obliged to fly, And, like a thief or a swindler, go abroad and hide, Unless you choose to surrender, for wilful murder to be tried. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 147 And there you are, in the felons' dock, looking like a goose; And your satisfaction consists in having run your neck into a noose; Or, if you escape the gallows, getting imprisoned at least a year, Deprived of every comfort, not even allowed a drop of beer; Or, even if you are acquitted, having your lawyer's bill to pay; And that is any thing but satisfaction, I should say. Not to mention the reflection, which must be the reverse of pleasant, That you have gone and shot a fellow-creature like a pheasant, Or a partridge; and here you are, with his blood on your - head, Not a comfortable thing to think upon when you go to bed. Besides, it is childish, as well as savage, to want to shoot a man for “chaff,” At which, if you've any sort of character, you can afford to laugh, Instead of foolishly calling him out, and risking your pre- cious hide, And thus, perhaps, in attempting murder, committing sui- cide. THE FRUITS OF MATRIMONY. A MAGNIFICENT dessert, and a beautiful family of six or eight children, winding up with a baby in long clothes, who are brought in after dinner to do justice to it-these are at all events some of the Fruits of Matrimony. 148 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. THE SURGEON'S WIND. THE Wind is North-East—so let it be! The North-East Wind is the wind for me, To me it blows good if to none besides; For the boys on the pavement cut out slides, And the passenger on the hard flagstones Comes down, ha, ha! and breaks his bones. I have had a radius to do, And a compound fractured tibia, too. And that had been scarce ten minutes gone, When in came a case of olecranon. There was next a dislocated hip, Resulting also from a slip. Zymotic diseases lend a charm To genial Autumn, moist and warm. We have Scarlatina and Typhus then, And Cholera good for medical men: But practice is best, I always find, In the bracing air of the North-East Wind. When the North-Easter whistles shrill, It makes me think on the little bill To many a patient that I shall send, Whom that wind calls me to attend. And though its music may seem severe, 'Tis a strain to gladden a Surgeon's ear. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 149 WD L'UMIDV WHAT HAPPENED TO SUTH AFTER SENDING HIS WET UMBRELLA TO BE AIR ED IN THE KITCHEN. KEEP YOUR TEMPER. — Avoid entering into an argu- ment with a deaf man in a railway carriage, as it is sure to lead to high words. 150 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. THINGS WHICH NO YOUNG LADY EVER DOES IF SHE CAN HELP IT. Be the first down in the morning, and not the last up at night. Keep an account-book in the place of an album. Consent to sit down to the piano on any thing under the dozenth time of asking. Pay à morning call in her last year's bonnet. Do plain needle work instead of fancy collar stitching. Return from morning service without bringing home an inventory (exact to a ribbon) of all the new toilettes which have been displayed there. Practise “ CRAMER's Exercises " in the lieu of polkas. Wear shoes of any other than most wafer-like con• struction, especially when the snow is on the ground. Condescend to learn an English song instead of an Italian one. Mend her own" things," and her younger brother's! Travel twenty miles without nineteen packages, seven. teen of which she might easily dispense with. Be seen to eat more at dinner than a couple of cana- ries could. And, finally, takes less than forty minutes to "run and put her bonnet on!” RECREATIONS IN NATURAL HISTORY. A most interesting narrative was read at the last meet- ing of the Aborigines Protection Society. It was the account of the expedition of a missionary, from an Ameri- PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN." 151 can dissenting college, to a tribe of natives of whose exist- ence its directors had but lately become aware, and who are settled in the south-east of Brazil. The worthy mis- sionary, BROTHER ERKY SWUNKS, who is somewhat short- sighted, and who had seen little of the world beyond the walls of his college, made his way from the nearest town, in the direction of the settlement. After a long journey he arrived there towards evening, and found himself among the objects of his teaching. He describes them as tall and active, clothed in close-fitting skins of hairy ani- mals, and as speaking with great rapidity a language un- known to him, but resembling French, as in some degree did the gestures and manners of the natives themselves. He therefore addressed them in French, and apparently was understood, as they evinced much delight, and danced about the worthy man with gestures of admiration. But when BROTHER SWUNKS began to distribute tracts, they snatched them from him, and darting up to the very top of the lofty trees around, tore the paper into bits, and then descended to obtain more. On his making signs that he was thirsty, they all rushed up the trees again, and over- whelmed him with showers of cocoa-nuts. During the whole night they would not allow him to sleep from their incessant care of his welfare, one native succeeding the other in turning him round, patting his eyes, and stroking his hair. When BROTHER SWUnks attempted to caress the children, they bit him a good deal, and the females snatch- ed them from him, and carried them up the trees. In the morning BROTHER SWUNKS accidentally placed his walking- stick to his shoulder, gun-fashion, upon which the whole 152 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. tribe took fright, and departed, and after two days the worthy brother returned, not ungratified with what he had done, yet wishing he had been permitted to do more among these poor heathens. however, detemies had prepared 2009, the d him, anh A brishharge the The perils of the Whale Fishery are among the most exciting of all narratives of voyages. That the whale, a savage and furious animal, when provoked will dash his head against a ship, and sometimes sink her, is on frequent record. The whalers are now well armed, in order to meet this danger, and firearms are resorted to whenever the whale attempts to strike the vessel. CAPTAIN FRAN- CIS W. LUBBOCK, an American captain, states that having wounded a red whale with the harpoon, the creature, having capsized all the boats, prepared to charge the ship from which his enemies had come. A brisk discharge of rifles, however, deterred him, and he went down. An hour later he re-appeared, with another whale of a more gigantic size, and around whom he was playing, evidently inciting him to attack the ship. A carronade was run out, and as the monster approached, a well-aimed cannon-ball crashed into his skull, amid the cheers of the brave Americans, and laid him a floating corpse. But their cheers were stopped by a tremendous flapping noise. The first whale had dived, gone under the ship, and while all were occupied on the starboard, had actually boarded the vessel on the lar- board, and was trying to suck up the black cook. Pikes, cutlasses, harpoons, all went to work, and the whale was beaten off, but too late to save the poor cook, whom sheer fright had converted into a mass of blubber, of which we PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 153 need hardly say the unhesitating Yankees made good merchandise. On the ninth of January 1844, a young English trav. eller in America had taken his gun and strayed into the backwoods in quest of sport. After some hours of wan- dering, he came upon a beaver pond, and beheld the saga- cious animals that had reared the dam, swimming in all directions. He prepared to fire, but they instantly dived, and eluded his aim. The largest beaver lingered last, and stroking his own glossy skin with his ample tail, slily remarked, as he sank, “How's your Hatter ?” A PRETTY SCALE OF PRICES. A FASHIONABLE Portrait Painter, whose name it would not be fair to his many rivals to mention, when asked what are his terms, invariably answers :-"I have no scale of prices. In fact, I generally leave it open to the liberality of my patrons. I have but one rule to guide me in taking likenesses, and that, to be candid, is, 'Handsome is, who Handsome does.'" THE STEAM ANNIHILATOR. It is said that “Steam annihilates both Time and Space.” It is a thousand pities, for our comfort in rail- way travelling, that its annihilating powers will sometimes extend, also, to-human beings. ANOTHER " HEIGHT OF IMPUDENCE."--Naming a Rail- way Engine “ Safety." 154 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. Cousin Emily. “AND 80 IT'S LITTLE ALFRED'S BIRTHDAY TO-MOEBOT. Ko Now, WHAT WOULD HE LIKE BEST FOR A PRESENT ?" Alfred (after much reflection). “Why, I THINK I SHOULD LIKE A- rece BHOULD LIKE A TESTAMENT-AND-A-A-AND-O, I KNOW! I SHOULD A SQUIRT!!" A CON FROM THE SHAKSPEARIAN CLOWN. Q. WHEN Othello killed Desdemona, was he thinking of his Wife ? A. No-his (8) Mother. POETRY OF NATURE. --When mist falls upon the earth le bis and freezes, it forms rime. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 155 BURGLARY AND BRONCHITIS PREVENTED. ACCORDING to the ingenious MR. JEFFREYS, nobody could be without a respirator in his hand to clap on his, wn mouth by way of extinguisher to an incipient cough, i to pop on any unfortunate child who exhibits a tendency 0 choke. The respirator seems to be of two kinds; the ne simply oral, which is calculated to check equally the Perheeze of asthma or the whistle of age, and the other, pri-nasal, adapted to nose and mouth, so as to make it im- possible either to sneeze or to snore. According to the assertion of the inventor the Res. spirator is, in fact, a warm climate for five and sixpence; a portable Madeira that may be always put to the mouth like an inexhaustible bottle, at the mere price of the wine. Many gentlemen and ladies seem to have been starting for Mwarmer latitudes one individual seems to have been on the top of the 'bus bound, viâ Paddington, for Barbadoes, when, somebody having recommended him a Respirator, he descended from the knife-board of a City Atlas, rushed into a shop, where he laid out a few shillings, and became the fortunate possessor of a warm climate, to be put on or taken off ad libitum. i'. But perhaps the most valuable feature of the Respira- tor has been hitherto overlooked, for it is as a defence against Burglary rather than Bronchitis, that it will ob- tain the highest renown. Let any family go to bed wear- ing Respirators, and we defy the boldest burglar to ex- ecute his purpose if the family should be disturbed. JACK SHEPPARD himself, or any other romantic ruffian, 156 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN would start back with terror at the aspect of a household armed all in Respirators, and presenting such a picture as one of our artists has supplied. Or suppose the midnight marauder to have made his way into the bed-room of a NNNN stricken by Mr. Jerriwearing the frict between them. pair of parents lying with an infant between them, the entire domestic trio wearing the frightful appendage in- vented by Mr. JEFFREYS, we are convinced that the panic- stricken miscreant would shrink out of the “ Chamber of Horrors,” and proceed to give himself up to justice at the nearest Police Station. We are convinced that 8 Respirator would be as effectual in frightening away burgo lars as a blunderbuss, or, rather, as an air-gun, to which, from its effect on the breathing, the instrument may be aptly compared A DEFINITION OF CANT.Spirits of Whine. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 157 A MORAL FOR THE MONTHS. · In January, o'er the ice, The rapid skater flies, So never scorn sincere advice “ Economy is wise.” In February, feathered songsters pair, The crocus and the snowdrop rear their heads ; Then let us of intemperance beware, And early seek, and early leave our beds. The winds of March sweep o'er the plain And bid the dust to fly; The hares in March become insane : “ Avoid bad company." In April showers fall short and thick, And hard and heavy, like the stick Which, on the beat, policemen carry. “Experience is salutary." Did not the clouds of April genial showers Upon the thirsty fields and meadows empt, Sweet May would never be adorned with flowers : “ Familiarity doth breed contempt." June clothes the fields and forests in full green And sometimes we have summer come at length By Midsummer. Long live our gracious QUEEN ! And bear in mind that “ Unity is Strength." 158 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. The sun shines high in hot July, And farmers make their hay: Virtue is true nobility. “ Indulge not in display.” The month of August is with harvest crowned, And now the husbandmen their goblets prime: In foaming jugs of ale their cares are drowned : “ Procrastination is the thief of Time.' September hears the frequent shot Resound on hill and dale, And sees the partridge fall—or not. “This world is but a Vale." October clothes the woods in brown, And now the sportsmen are alarming The pheasant—sometimes bring him down. Note, that “ Variety is charming.” November comes blindfold with mist and with fog, And the year is approaching its term. Thus along, on Life's journey, we all of us jog, Whilst “ the early bird picks up the worm." December Christmas brings, Along with frost and snow. Hark how the tradesman sings- “Pay what you owe!” PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 159 THE POOREST PLATITUDES. A MATHEMATICAL line is straight enough, but the lines in Geology are Strata. The man who squints rarely makes a good Astronomer. Never look a Gift Shark in the mouth. If a “ still tongue proves a wise head," then the wisest of mortals must be Dumb Persons. The Man with two wooden legs should never ride any thing but a Clothes-horse. The best “ House of Correction " is the one in which a Mother-in-law dwells. Of all Flatterers the portrait painter may be said to carry off the brush; for no flatterer understands the art so well as he, of flattering a person to his very face! THINGS THAT IT'S BETTER TO DO. It's better to brew beer than mischief—to be smitten with a young lady than with the rheumatism-to fall into a fortune than into the sea—to be pitted with a mother-in- law than the small-pox—to cut a tooth than a friend—to stand a dinner than an insult—to shoot partridges instead of the moon—to have the drawing of an artist instead of a blister, and to nurse the baby at any time in preference to your anger !!! DIPLOMACY.—The art of saying something when you have got nothing to say—as much as it is the art of say. ing nothing when you have really got something to say PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 161 Horge Which should be scents (well, make a better, Sir). 'Tis the rubiginosa inodora. Horace. Then he's a humbug, and not half as good As that Sweet William. Lydia. Is it not as easy To say dianthus, and to add barbatus ? Horace. Bless’d if it is, my love. I do declare I'm half afraid to name a flower to you, You're down upon me with no end of Latin. & Lydia (archly). I'm very terrible, I know. Don't, Horace- Look at old Tomkins sitting at his window. Horace. Who cares for Tomkins ? What a Guy he looks Among that honeysuckle. Lydia. Lonicera. Horace. O, very well, there's nothing can escape you. I shouldn't wonder if that poor red daisy Was squashed beneath a Latin epit ph. Lydia. Of course—it's called the bellis fistulosa. Horace. By Jove! Lydia. Don't swear, Sir. What a fuss you make About a few plain words, which, one would think, Any young gentleman who'd been at school Would master in a day. Horace. You learned them when You were a girl. Lydia. What do you mean, Sir, eh ? I'm a girl now. But for the Latin names, You're quite mistaken—or, in better English, 11 162 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. You quite mistake. I learned them since we married, Out of Sir Joseph Paxton's Dictionary, The sweetest little book you ever saw. Horace. The sweetest little book I ever saw Was that one which I laid, with yonder ring, “ The accustomed offerings to the priest and clerk.” Lydia. I hope you'll always think so, darling, for I'm sure- [After some more nonsense of this kind, they resume. Horace. Those stocks are handsome. Lydia. Horace, you deserve To be put in them. Come, dear, recollect. The Math- Horace. The Matthew, Mark, - Lydia. The Mathiola Tri- Horace. Well, love, I am trying. Lydia. No, I mean Tricuspidata. O you goosey gander ! Horace. Come, I remember one, now, Mrs. Saucebos. Venus's looking Glass—I do know that. Lydia. I don't believe it. Horace. But I say I do. It's--stay—I have it-speckled spectacles. Do you think I'm quite a muff, M'm ? Lydia. Never mind; On that point I'll say nothing, but I think That specularia speculum might do Better than speckled spectacles. What's that? Horace. This ? Ah!-a great sigh. This flower reminds me of the days 164 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. Funci IMMENS ELS ATT RÁCTION QUESTRIAN ONDERI uivo WM Vy ON GORGEOUS SPECTACLE. Sarah Jane. "OH BETSY, COME 'ERE, AND BRING HISABELLER ! WE CAN SER THE '00FS OF THE 'ORSES!!" CONTENTMENT.—It is always best to put up with the first loss--as, for instance, when a person loses his hair. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 165 MR. RIGHT. For three years, during which I have occupied my present apartments, one delightful study has engaged my undivided attention. Not botany nor conchology, neither flowers nor shells do I allude to, but something more beau- tiful than either. I mean my opposite neighbor, Miss Alabaster, and her beaux. Miss Alabaster keeps a Seminary for Young Ladies, in which class I presume she would deferentially include herself. She is a brunette, round and plump, with small but brilliant black eyes, nose a little retroussé, duplex chin, and hair done in a Chinese style, which makes her look irresistibly piquant and provoking. How many offers my fair neighbor had prior to Mr. Right's arrival, I cannot say with any degree of precision. My own knowledge is confined to half-a-dozen. First, came a flighty young fellow, a banker's round-collared clerk, with a half-holiday movement about his legs, which betrayed his great want, decision of purpose. He played expertly enough on his own trumpet, but failed in touching the chords of affection. After having been six months on trial, Miss Alabaster pronounced his cigars odious, and he disappeared like Jupiter—in a cloud. He was succeeded by a fat fair-haired German, with pale gray eyes, whose fire had nearly.gone out. This dull spark never told his love, but warbled it through a husky flute, most musical, most melan- choly. The key, however, to Arabella's heart was not the key of A flat, and as bashfulness seemed to be one of Wil- helm's crotchets, she declined his overtures. He, therefore, 166 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. concluded his sentimental solo with a feeble shake, and retired coloring deeply--a Prussian blue. For some time Arabella sat at her window in maiden meditation, fancy free. At length a satanic little Frenchman, all eyes and teeth, flung himself before her, and with hurried vows, endeavored to wring from her that confession of devotion and dividends, which is so grateful to every ardent lover's ear. It came out, however, on a mouse running across the dining-room floor at this critical juncture, and which caused Alphonse to jump up in wonder and alarm, that he carried a dagger concealed beneath his crimson vest. Miss Alabaster saw his point at once, and scorning his cupidity, she concerted with old Meggs, her landlord, to distrain for rent, and when Alphonse called again, Arabella, with distress in her countenance, informed him that there was still more distress in the house, and could he, would he, advance the trifling sum of five-and-twenty pounds to send that horrid broker's man about his business? The ruse succeeded admirably. Monsieur blushed-stammered --pardonnez-moi d—grinned horribly, and bade Ma'am- selle Alabastère a very good morning. An interregnum of nearly three months succeeded the deposition of the Gaul. At length a double-breasted young minister, soft in manners, placid in mien, but cau- tious and keen withal, was observed to call frequently upon Miss Alabaster, who listened with unwearied interest to his orthodox discourse. My landlady and I now began to hope that Arabella's dove-like affections had found an olive bough. But fate ordained it otherwise. The day was all but fixed, some serious conferences had been heid PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 167 upon the subject of wedding-cakes and cards, when Miss Alabaster, in walking through St. Paul's Churchyard, ob- served the divine proceeding at a quick pace towards Doc- tor's Commons. Prompted by some strange impulse, Ara- bella followed—he enters the Prerogative Office, secures an index-book of wills, and hastily runs his eye over the letter A. At-length he reaches the immaculate name of “ Ala- baster.” It was Arabella's uncle, who had left her that little annuity, the mention of which had caused Arabella's prime ministers to smile so sweetly on their first interview. This want of confidence affected Arabella deeply. She could have pulled his ears for him, but she concealed her- self and her emotion, and when he called next day Miss Alabaster had gone out of Town—a fib at which the inquirer after truth appeared much shocked. I soon became fatigued, and so did my co-operative landlady, in watching and recording Miss Alabaster's flir- tations, until the arrival of a stout upright and stable- looking man, not saddled with infirmities, but well suited for a bridal. It was one Sunday evening when we first saw him escorting Arabella to church, and as my landlady. joyfully observed, there could be no doubt that “Mr. Right had come at last.” By dint of inquiry we discovered that Mr. Right was a bachelor and a floor-cloth manufacturer, a person of good designs but of defective education, as was shown by his aspirating his beloved's name as if he spelt it “ Harry- bella.” He, however, took steps for his own improvement, and got Miss Alabaster to teach him La Polka, &c. It inspired us with mingled feelings of sympathy and mirth, 158 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. The sun shines high in hot July, And farmers make their hay: Virtue is true nobility. “ Indulge not in display.” The month of August is with harvest crowned, And now the husbandmen their goblets prime : In foaming jugs of ale their cares are drowned : " Procrastination is the thief of Time.' September hears the frequent shot Resound on hill and dale, And sees the partridge fall—or not. “This world is but a Vale." October clothes the woods in brown, And now the sportsmen are alarming The pheasant-sometimes bring him down. Note, that “ Variety is charming." November comes blindfold with mist and with fog, And the year is approaching its term. Thus along, on Life's journey, we all of us jog, Whilst “the early bird picks up the worm." December Christmas brings, Along with frost and snow. Hark how the tradesman sings- “Pay what you owe!” PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 159 THE POOREST PLATITUDES. A MATHEMATICAL line is straight enough, but the lines in Geology are Strata. The man who squints rarely makes a good Astronomer. Never look a Gift Shark in the mouth. If a “still tongue proves a wise head," then the wisest of mortals must be Dumb Persons. The Man with two wooden legs should never ride any thing but a Clothes-horse. The best “ House of Correction " is the one in which a Mother-in-law dwells. Of all Flatterers the portrait painter may be said to carry off the brush; for no flatterer understands the art so well as he, of flattering a person to his very face! THINGS THAT IT'S BETTER TO DO. It's better to brew beer than mischief—to be smitten with a young lady than with the rheumatism-to fall into a fortune than into the seaấto be pitted with a mother-in- law than the small-pos—to cut a tooth than a friend-to stand a dinner than an insult to shoot partridges instead of the moon—to have the drawing of an artist instead of a blister, and to nurse the baby at any time in preference to your anger !!! DIPLOMACY.—The art of saying something when you have got nothing to say—as much as it is the art of say. ing nothing when you have really got something to say 160 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. THE LEARNED LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. “ Doctæque conjugis sinu quiescere." HORACE. LYDIA. LYDIA. Put down the paper, Horace, there's a dear, And come into the garden—do. I'm sure You know enough about Prince Gortschakoff And the Allies, and all their countermarching. See, what a lovely morning. Horace. Very well, But may I have a weed, my darling, eh ? Lydia. No, sir, unless you name more properly The horrid thing. What did I bid you call it ? Horace. I know; but your long words, like eels, will wriggle Out of my memory—'twas Nico-something- Nitocris--no—though that's an opiate too- I know—Nicotiana. Lydia. Yes, dear, called so From John Nicot, of Nismes, who first procured The seeds from Florida—I wish he hadn't; But as he has, I'll light it for you, pet. There, don't be silly-Horace-don't-how can you ? [They enter the garden. Horace. Well, it's a stunning morning, and your garden Looks truly spicy, all mistakes deducted. That rose is quite a swell. Lydia. Like many swells, It hath no sense-I pun upon the word, PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 161 Which should be scents—(well, make a better, Sir). 'Tis the rubiginosa inodora. Horace. Then he's a humbug, and not half as good As that Sweet William. . Lydia. Is it not as easy To say dianthus, and to add barbatus ? Horace. Bless’d if it is, my love. I do declare I'm half afraid to name a flower to you, You're down upon me with no end of Latin. Lydia (archly). I'm very terrible, I know. Don't, Horace- Look at old Tomkins sitting at his window. Horace. Who cares for Tomkins ? What a Guy he looks Among that honeysuckle. Lydia. Lonicera. Horace. O, very well, there's nothing can escape you. I shouldn't wonder if that poor red daisy Was squashed beneath a Latin epit ph. Lydia. Of course it's called the bellis fistulosa. Horace. By Jove! Lydia. Don't swear, Sir. What a fuss you make About a few plain words, which, one would think, Any young gentleman who'd been at school Would master in a day. Horace. You learned them when You were a girl. Lydia. What do you mean, Sir, eh ? I'm a girl now. But for the Latin names, You're quite mistaken—or, in better English, 11 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 161 Lydia ( upon mine a filo Which should be scents—(well, make a better, Sir). 'Tis the rubiginosa inodora. Horace. Then he's a humbug, and not half as good As that Sweet William. Lydia. Is it not as easy To say dianthus, and to add barbatus ? Horace. Bless'd if it is, my love. I do declare I'm half afraid to name a flower to you, You're down upon me with no end of Latin. Lydia (archly). I'm very terrible, I know. Don't, Horace- Look at old Tomkins sitting at his window. Horace. Who cares for Tomkins ? What a Guy he looks Among that honeysuckle. Lydia. Lonicera. Horace. O, very well, there's nothing can escape you. I shouldn't wonder if that poor red daisy Was squashed beneath a Latin epit ph. Lydia. Of course—it's called the bellis fistulosa. Horace. By Jove! Lydia. Don't swear, Sir. What a fuss you make About a few plain words, which, one would think, Any young gentleman who'd been at school Would master in a day. Horace. You learned them when You were a girl. Lydia. What do you mean, Sir, eh ? I'm a girl now. But for the Latin names, You're quite mistaken-or, in better English, 11 162 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. You quite mistake. I learned them since we married, Out of Sir Joseph Paxton's Dictionary, The sweetest little book you ever saw. Horace. The sweetest little book I ever saw Was that one which I laid, with yonder ring, “ The accustomed offerings to the priest and clerk.” Lydia. I hope you'll always think so, darling, for I'm surem [After some more nonsense of this kind, they resume. Horace. Those stocks are handsome. Lydia. Horace, you deserve To be put in them. Come, dear, recollect. The Math- Horace. The Matthew, Mark,— Lydia. The Mathiola Tri- Horace. Well, love, I am trying. Lydia. No, I mean Tricuspidata. O you goosey gander ! Horace. Come, I remember one, now, Mrs. Saucebol. Venus's looking Glass—I do know that. Lydia. I don't believe it. Horace. But I say I do. It's--stay—I have it speckled spectacles. Do you think I'm quite a muff, M'm ? Lydia. Never mind; On that point I'll say nothing, but I think That specularia speculum might do Better than speckled spectacles. What's that? Horace. This ? Ah!-(a great sigh.)-This flower reminds me of the days PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 163 When I supposed you didn't mean to have me, And when I thought that scented little cousin (Kept but to keep me to proposing mark) Was in good truth my rival. Yes, this flower Is Love Lies Bleeding. Lydia. Is it? Such a name Is just as silly as your silly story. Poor little Paul! he loved me like a brother : And that's the amaranthus called caudatus. Horace. He was a wretched mite-about as tall As yonder hollyhock. Lydia. Althea rosea. His figure was perfection. Horace. The sweet P. There is another, much about his size. Lydia. That is the pisum macrocarpum, Horace, And I don't see why you should rail at Paul. He always said you were the cleverest man That came to see us—perhaps he made me think so. Horace. I'm sure I always liked him, as I like All your relations mothers-uncles--aunts, Cousins—and grandmothers. I used to call him After that flower there, Jemmy Jessamine. Lydia. Do call it the jasminum bracteatum. And you're not cross ? Horace. My Lydia, cross with thee? Light of my eyes, and Lady of my dreams, Star of my pathway- [Mr. Punca's space is valuable, but the Author may have the remaining two hundred lines on call. ing at 85, Fleet Street, and identifying them.] - PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 165 MR. RIGHT. *** For three years, during which I have occupied my present apartments, one delightful study has engaged my undivided attention. Not botany nor conchology, neither flowers nor shells do I allude to, but something more beau- tiful than either. I mean my opposite neighbor, Miss Alabaster, and her beaux. Miss Alabaster keeps a Seminary for Young Ladies, in which class I presume she would deferentially include herself. She is a brunette, round and plump, with small but brilliant black eyes, nose a little retroussé, duplex chin, and hair done in a Chinese style, which makes her look irresistibly piquant and provoking. How many offers my fair neighbor had prior to Mr. Right's arrival, I cannot say with any degree of precision. My own knowledge is confined to half-a-dozen. First, came a flighty young fellow, a banker's round-collared clerk, with a half-holiday movement about his legs, which betrayed his great want, decision of purpose. He played expertly enough on his own trumpet, but failed in touching the chords of affection. After having been six months on trial, Miss Alabaster pronounced his cigars odious, and he disappeared like Jupiter-in a cloud. He was succeeded by a fat fair-haired German, with pale gray eyes, whose fire had nearly.gone out. This dull spark never told his love, but warbled it through a husky fute, most musical, most melan- choly. The key, however, to Arabella's heart was not the key of A flat, and as bashfulness seemed to be one of Wil- helm's crotchets, she declined his overtures. He, therefore, 166 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. concluded his sentimental solo with a feeble shake, and retired coloring deeply-a Prussian blue. For some time Arabella sat at her window in maiden meditation, fancy free. At length a satanic little Frenchman, all eyes and teeth, flung himself before her, and with hurried vows, endeavored to wring from her that confession of devotion and dividends, which is so grateful to every ardent lover's ear. It came out, however, on a mouse running across the dining-room floor at this critical juncture, and which caused Alphonse to jump up in wonder and alarm, that he carried a dagger concealed beneath his crimson vest. Miss Alabaster saw his point at once, and scorning his cupidity, she concerted with old Meggs, her landlord, to distrain for rent, and when Alphonse called again, Arabella, with distress in her countenance, informed him that there was still more distress in the house, and could he, would he, advance the trifling sum of five-and-twenty pounds to send that horrid broker's man about his business? The ruse succeeded admirably. Monsieur blushed-stammered --pardonnez-moi'd-grinned horribly, and bade Ma'am- selle Alabastère a very good morning. An interregnum of nearly three months succeeded the deposition of the Gaul. At length a double-brcasted young minister, soft in manners, placid in mien, but cau- tious and keen withal, was observed to call frequently upon Miss Alabaster, who listened with unwearied interest to his orthodox discourse. My landlady and I now began to hope that Arabella's dove-like affections had found an olive bough. But fate ordained it otherwise. The day was all but fixed, some serious conferences had been heid PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 167 upon the subject of wedding-cakes and cards, when Miss Alabaster, in walking through St. Paul's Churchyard, ob- served the divine proceeding at a quick pace towards Doc- tor's Commons. Prompted by some strange impulse, Ara- bella followed—he enters the Prerogative Office, secures an index-book of wills, and hastily runs his eye over the letter A. At-length he reaches the immaculate name of “Ala- baster.” It was Arabella's uncle, who had left her that little annuity, the mention of which had caused Arabella's prime ministers to smile so sweetly on their first interview. This want of confidence affected Arabella deeply. She could have pulled his ears for him, but she concealed her- self and her emotion, and when he called next day Miss Alabaster had gone out of Town—a fib at which the inquirer after truth appeared much shocked. I soon became fatigued, and so did my co-operative landlady, in watching and recording Miss Alabaster's flir- tations, until the arrival of a stout upright and stable- looking man, not saddled with infirmities, but well suited for a bridal. It was one Sunday evening when we first saw him escorting Arabella to church, and as my landlady. joyfully observed, there could be no doubt that “Mr. Right had come at last.” By dint of inquiry we discovered that Mr. Right was a bachelor and a floor-cloth manufacturer, a person of good designs but of defective education, as was shown by his aspirating his beloved's name as if he spelt it “ Harry- bella.” He, however, took steps for his own improvement, and got Miss Alabaster to teach him La Polka, &c. It inspired us with mingled feelings of sympathy and mirth, 158 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. The sun shines high in hot July, And farmers make their hay : Virtue is true nobility. “Indulge not in display.” The month of August is with harvest crowned, And now the husbandmen their goblets prime; In foaming jugs of ale their cares are drowned : “ Procrastination is the thief of Time.' September hears the frequent shot Resound on hill and dale, And sees the partridge fall—or not. “ This world is but a Vale." October clothes the woods in brown, And now the sportsmen are alarming The pheasant-sometimes bring him down. Note, that “ Variety is charming." November comes blindfold with mist and with fog, And the year is approaching its term. Thus along, on Life's journey, we all of us jog, Whilst the early bird picks up the worm." December Christmas brings, Along with frost and snow. Hark how the tradesman sings “Pay what you owe!” PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 159 THE POOREST PLATITUDES. A MATHEMATICAL line is straight enough, but the lines in Geology are Strata. The man who squints rarely makes a good Astronomer. Never look a Gift Shark in the mouth. If a “still tongue proves a wise head,” then the wisest of mortals must be Dumb Persons. The Man with two wooden legs should never ride any thing but a Clothes-horse. The best “ House of Correction " is the one in which a Mother-in-law dwells. Of all Flatterers the portrait painter may be said to carry off the brush ; for no flatterer understands the art so well as he, of flattering a person to his very face! THINGS THAT IT'S BETTER TO DO. It's better to brew beer than mischief—to be smitten with a young lady than with the rheumatism-to fall into a fortune than into the sea—to be pitted with a mother-in- law than the small-pox-to cut a tooth than a friend—to stand a dinner than an insult-to shoot partridges instead of the moon to have the drawing of an artist instead of a blister, and to nurse the baby at any time in preference to your anger !!! DIPLOMACY.—The art of saying something when you have got nothing to say—as much as it is the art of say. ing nothing when you have really got something to say 160 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. THE LEARNED LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. “ Doctæque conjugis sinu quiescere.” HORACE. LYDIA. LYDIA. Put down the paper, Horace, there's a dear, And come into the garden-do. I'm sure You know enough about Prince Gortschakoff And the Allies, and all their countermarching. See, what a lovely morning. Horace. Very well, But may I have a weed, my darling, eh ? Lydia. No, sir, unless you name more properly The horrid thing. What did I bid you call it ? Horace. I know; but your long words, like eels, will wriggle Out of my memory—'twas Nico—something- Nitocris-no—though that's an opiate too- I know—Nicotiana. Lydia. Yes, dear, called so From John Nicot, of Nismes, who first procured The seeds from Florida—I wish he hadn't; But as he has, I'll light it for you, pet. There, don't be silly-Horace-don't-how can you ? [They enter the garden. Horace. Well, it's a stunning morning, and your garden Looks truly spicy, all mistakes deducted. That rose is quite a swell. Lydia. Like many swells, It hath no sense-I pun upon the word, PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 161 Which should be scents—(well, make a better, Sir). 'Tis the rubiginosa inodora. Horace. Then he's a humbug, and not half as good As that Sweet William. : Lydia. Is it not as easy To say dianthus, and to add barbatus ? Horace. Bless'd if it is, my love. I do declare I'm half afraid to name a flower to you, You're down upon me with no end of Latin. Lydia (archly). I'm very terrible, I know. Don't, Horace- Look at old Tomkins sitting at his window. Horace. Who cares for Tomkins ? What a Guy he looks Among that honeysuckle. Lydia. Lonicera. Horace. O, very well, there's nothing can escape you. I shouldn't wonder if that poor red daisy Was squashed beneath a Latin epit ph. Lydia. Of course it's called the bellis fistulosa. Horace. By Jove ! Lydia. Don't swear, Sir. What a fuss you make About a few plain words, which, one would think, Any young gentleman who'd been at school Would master in a day. Horace. You learned them when You were a girl. Lydia. What do you mean, Sir, eh? I'm a girl now. But for the Latin names, You're quite mistaken-or, in better English, 11 162 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. You quite mistake. I learned them since we married, Out of Sir Joseph Paxton's Dictionary, The sweetest little book you ever saw. Horace. The sweetest little book I ever saw Was that one which I laid, with yonder ring, “ The accustomed offerings to the priest and clerk." Lydia. I hope you'll always think so, darling, for I'm sure- [After some more nonsense of this kind, they resume. Horace. Those stocks are handsome. Lydia. Horace, you deserve To be put in them. Come, dear, recollect. The Math- Horace. The Matthew, Mark,- Lydia. The Mathiola Tri- Horace. Well, love, I am trying. Lydia. No, I mean Tricuspidata. O you goosey gander! Horace. Come, I remember one, now, Mrs. Saucebox. Venus's looking Glass—I do know that. Lydia. I don't believe it. Horace. But I say I do. It's--stay—I have it--speckled spectacles. Do you think I'm quite a muff, M’m ? Lydia. Never mind; On that point I'll say nothing, but I think That specularia speculum might do Better than speckled spectacles. What's that? Horace. This ? Ah!-(a great sigh.)-This flower reminds me of the days PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 163 When I supposed you didn't mean to have me, And when I thought that scented little cousin (Kept but to keep me to proposing mark) Was in good truth my rival. Yes, this flower Is Love Lies Bleeding. Lydia. Is it? Such a name Is just as silly as your silly story. Poor little Paul! he loved me like a brother : And that's the amaranthus called caudatus. Horace. He was a wretched mite-about as tall As yonder hollyhock. Lydia. Althea rosea. His figure was perfection. Horace. The sweet P. There is another, much about his size. Lydia. That is the pisum macrocarpum, Horace, And I don't see why you should rail at Paul. He always said you were the cleverest man That came to see us-perhaps he made me think so. Horace. I'm sure I always liked him, as I like All your relations—mothers-uncles-aunts, Cousins—and grandmothers. I used to call him After that flower there, Jemmy Jessamine. Lydia. Do call it the jasminum bracteatum. And you're not cross ? Horace. My Lydia, cross with thee? Light of my eyes, and Lady of my dreams, Star of my pathway- [MR. PUNCH's space is valuable, but the Author may have the remaining two hundred lines on call- ing at 85, Fleet Street, and identifying them.] PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 165 MR. RIGHT. For three years, during which I have occupied my present apartments, one delightful study has engaged my * undivided attention. Not botany nor conchology, neither flowers nor shells do I allude to, but something more beau- tiful than either. I mean my opposite neighbor, Miss Alabaster, and her beaux. - Miss Alabaster keeps a Seminary for Young Ladies, in which class I presume she would deferentially include herself. She is a brunette, round and plump, with small but brilliant black eyes, nose a little retroussé, duplex chin, and hair done in a Chinese style, which makes her look irresistibly piquant and provoking. How many offers my fair neighbor had prior to Mr. Right's arrival, I cannot say with any degree of precision. My own knowledge is confined to half-a-dozen. First, came a flighty young fellow, a banker's round-collared clerk, with a half-holiday movement about his legs, which betrayed his great want, decision of purpose. He played expertly enough on his own trumpet, but failed in touching the chords of affection. After having been six months on trial, Miss Alabaster pronounced his cigars odious, and he disappeared like Jupiter-in a cloud. He was succeeded by a fat fair-haired German, with pale gray eyes, whose fire had Dearly gone out. This dull spark never told his love, but warbled it through a husky flute, most musical, most melan- choly. The key, however, to Arabella's heart was not the key of A flat, and as bashfulness seemed to be one of Wil. helm's crotchets, she declined his overtures. He, therefore, 166 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. concluded his sentimental solo with a feeble shake, and retired coloring deeply—a Prussian blue. For some time Arabella sat at her window in maiden meditation, fancy free. At length a satanic little Frenchman, all eyes and teeth, flung himself before her, and with hurried vows, endeavored to wring from her that confession of devotion and dividends, which is so grateful to every ardent lover's ear. It came out, however, on a mouse running across the dining-room floor at this critical juncture, and which caused Alphonse to jump up in wonder and alarm, that he carried a dagger concealed beneath his crimson vest. Miss Alabaster saw his point at once, and scorning his cupidity, she concerted with old Meggs, her landlord, to distrain for rent, and when Alphonse called again, Arabella, with distress in her countenance, informed him that there was still more distress in the house, and could he, would he, advance the trifling sum of five-and-twenty pounds to send that horrid broker's man about his business? The ruse succeeded admirably. Monsieur blushed-stammered - pardonnez-moi'd-grinned horribly, and bade Ma'am- selle Alabastère a very good morning. An interregnum of nearly three months succeeded the deposition of the Gaul. At length a double-brcasted young minister, soft in manners, placid in mien, but cau- tious and keen withal, was observed to call frequently upon Miss Alabaster, who listened with unwearied interest to his orthodox discourse. My landlady and I now began to hope that Arabella's dove-like affections had found an olive bough. But fate ordained it otherwise. The day was all but fixed, some serious conferences had been heid 158 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. The sun shines high in hot July, And farmers make their hay: Virtue is true nobility. “Indulge not in display.” The month of August is with harvest crowned, And now the husbandmen their goblets prime : In foaming jugs of ale their cares are drowned : “ Procrastination is the thief of Time.' September hears the frequent shot Resound on hill and dale, And sees the partridge fall—or not. “ This world is but a Vale." October clothes the woods in brown, And now the sportsmen are alarming The pheasant-sometimes bring him down. Note, that “ Variety is charming." November comes blindfold with mist and with fog, And the year is approaching its term. Thus along, on Life's journey, we all of us jog, Whilst “the early bird picks up the worm." December Christmas brings, Along with frost and snow. Hark how the tradesman sings- “Pay what you owe!” 160 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. THE LEARNED LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. “Doctæque conjugis sinu quiescere." HORACE. LYDIA. LYDIA. Put down the paper, Horace, there's a dear, And come into the garden-do. I'm sure You know enough about Prince Gortschakoff And the Allies, and all their countermarching. See, what a lovely morning. Horace. Very well, But may I have a weed, my darling, eh ? Lydia. No, sir, unless you name more properly The horrid thing. What did I bid you call it ? Horace. I know; but your long words, like eels, will wriggle Out of my memory—'twas Nico-something- Nitocris—10—though that's an opiate too- I know—Nicotiana. Lydia. Yes, dear, called so From John Nicot, of Nismes, who first procured The seeds from Florida-I wish he hadn't; But as he has, I'll light it for you, pet. There, don't be silly-Horace-don't-how can you ? [They enter the garden. Horace. Well, it's a stunning morning, and your garden Looks truly spicy, all mistakes deducted. That rose is quite a swell. Lydia. Like many swells, It hath no sense—I pun upon the word, PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 161 Which should be scents(well, make a better, Sir). 'Tis the rubiginosa inodora. Horace. Then he's a humbug, and not half as good As that Sweet William. Lydia. Is it not as easy To say dianthus, and to add barbatus ? Horace. Bless’d if it is, my love. I do declare I'm half afraid to name a flower to you, You're down upon me with no end of Latin. Lydia (archly). I'm very terrible, I know. Don't, Horace- Look at old Tomkins sitting at his window. Horace. Who cares for Tomkins ? What a Guy he looks Among that honeysuckle. Lydia. Lonicera. Horace. O, very well, there's nothing can escape you. I shouldn't wonder if that poor red daisy Was squashed beneath a Latin epit ph. Lydia. Of course—it's called the bellis fistulosa. Horace. By Jove ! Lydia. Don't swear, Sir. What a fuss you make About a few plain words, which, one would think, Any young gentleman who'd been at school Would master in a day. Horace. You learned them when You were a girl. Lydia. What do you mean, Sir, eh ? I'm a girl now. But for the Latin names, You're quite mistaken—or, in better English, 11 162 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. You quite mistake. I learned them since we married, Out of Sir Joseph Paxton's Dictionary, The sweetest little book you ever saw. Horace. The sweetest little book I ever saw Was that one which I laid, with yonder ring, “ The accustomed offerings to the priest and clerk.” Lydia. I hope you'll always think so, darling, for I'm sure [After some more nonsense of this kind, they resume. Horace. Those stocks are handsome. Lydia. Horace, you deserve To be put in them. Come, dear, recollect. The Math- Horace. The Matthew, Mark, Lydia. The Mathiola Tri- Horace. Well, love, I am trying. Lydia. No, I mean Tricuspidata. O you goosey gander ! Horace. Come, I remember one, now, Mrs. Saucebos. Venus's looking Glass—I do know that. Lydia. I don't believe it. Horace. But I say I do. It's--stay-I have it-speckled spectacles. Do you think I'm quite a muff, M’m ? Lydia. Never mind; On that point I'll say nothing, but I think That specularia speculum might do Better than speckled spectacles. What's that! Horace. This ? Ah!-(a great sigh.)—This flower reminds me of the days PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 163 a name When I supposed you didn't mean to have me, And when I thought that scented little cousin (Kept but to keep me to proposing mark) Was in good truth my rival. Yes, this flower Is Love Lies Bleeding. Lydia. Is it? Such a name Is just as silly as your silly story. Poor little Paul! he loved me like a brother : And that's the amaranthus called caudatus. Horace. He was a wretched mite about as tall As yonder hollyhock. Lydia. Althea rosea. His figure was perfection. Horace. The sweet P. There is another, much about his size. Lydia. That is the pisum macrocarpum, Horace, And I don't see why you should rail at Paul. He always said you were the cleverest man That came to see us—perhaps he made me think so. Horace. I'm sure I always liked him, as I like All your relations—mothers-uncles—aunts, Cousins-and grandmothers. I used to call him After that flower there, Jemmy Jessamine. Lydia. Do call it the jasminum bracteatum. And you're not cross ? Horace. My Lydia, cross with thee? Light of my eyes, and Lady of my dreams, Star of my pathway- [MR. PUNCH's space is valuable, but the Author may have the remaining two hundred lines on call- ing at 85, Fleet Street, and identifying them.] 164 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. Tumlich IMMENSE ATTRACTION QUESTRIAN ONDER wallin NA NA UM My www 1112 ili N monument GORGEOUS SPECTACLE. Sarah Jane. "OH BETSY, COME 'ERE, AND BRING HISABELLER ! WE CAN SMS THE '00FS OF THE 'ORSES !! " CONTENTMENT.--It is always best to put up with the first loss--as, for instance, when a person loses his hair. 166 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. concluded his sentimental solo with a feeble shake, and retired coloring deeply-a Prussian blue. For some time Arabella sat at her window in maiden meditation, fancy free. At length a satanic little Frenchman, all eyes and teeth, flung himself before her, and with hurried vows, endeavored to wring from her that confession of devotion and dividends, which is so grateful to every ardent lover's ear. It came out, however, on a mouse running across the dining-room floor at this critical juncture, and which caused Alphonse to jump up in wonder and alarm, that he carried a dagger concealed beneath his crimson vest. Miss Alabaster saw his point at once, and scorning his cupidity, she concerted with old Meggs, her landlord, to distrain for rent, and when Alphonse called again, Arabella, with distress in her countenance, informed him that there was still more distress in the house, and could he, would he, advance the trifling sum of five-and-twenty pounds to send that horrid broker's man about his business? The ruse succeeded admirably. Monsieur blushed—stammered --pardonnez-moi’d-grinned horribly, and bade Ma'am- selle Alabastère a very good morning. An interregnum of nearly three months succeeded the deposition of the Gaul. At length a double-breasted young minister, soft in manners, placid in mien, but cau- tious and keen withal, was observed to call frequently upon Miss Alabaster, who listened with unwearied interest to his orthodox discourse. My landlady and I now began to hope that Arabella's dove-like affections had found an olive bough. But fate ordained it otherwise. The day was all but fixed, some serious conferences had been heid PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 167 upon the subject of wedding-cakes and cards, when Miss Alabaster, in walking through St. Paul's Churchyard, ob- served the divine proceeding at a quick pace towards Doc- tor's Commons. Prompted by some strange impulse, Ara- bella followed—he enters the Prerogative Office, secures an index-book of wills, and hastily runs his eye over the letter A. At-length he reaches the immaculate name of " Ala- baster.” It was Arabella's uncle, who had left her that little annuity, the mention of which had caused Arabella's prime ministers to smile so sweetly on their first interview. This want of confidence affected Arabella deeply. She could have pulled his ears for him, but she concealed her- self and her emotion, and when he called next day : Miss Alabaster had gone out of Town—a fib at which the inquirer after truth appeared much shocked. I soon became fatigued, and so did my co-operative landlady, in watching and recording Miss Alabaster's flir- tations, until the arrival of a stout upright and stable- looking man, not saddled with infirmities, but well suited for a bridal. It was one Sunday evening when we first saw him escorting Arabella to church, and as my landlady joyfully observed, there could be no doubt that “Mr. Right had come at last.” By dint of inquiry we discovered that Mr. Right was a bachelor and a floor-cloth manufacturer, a person of good designs but of defective education, as was shown by his aspirating his beloved's name as if he spelt it “Harry- bella." He, however, took steps for his own improvement, and got Miss Alabaster to teach him La Polka, &c. It inspired us with mingled feelings of sympathy and mirth, PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 161 Which should be scents—(well, make a better, Sir). 'Tis the rubiginosa inodora. Horace. Then he's a humbug, and not half as good As that Sweet William. Lydia. Is it not as easy To say dianthus, and to add barbatus ? Horace. Bless'd if it is, my love. I do declare I'm half afraid to name a flower to you, You're down upon me with no end of Latin. Lydia (archly). I'm very terrible, I know. Don't, Horace- Look at old Tomkins sitting at his window. Horace. Who cares for Tomkins ? What a Guy he looks Among that honeysuckle. Lydia. Lonicera. Horace. O, very well, there's nothing can escape you. I shouldn't wonder if that poor red daisy Was squashed beneath a Latin epit ph. Lydia. Of course—it's called the bellis fistulosa. Horace. By Jove! Lydia. Don't swear, Sir. What a fuss you make About a few plain words, which, one would think, Any young gentleman who'd been at school Would master in a day. Horace. You learned them when You were a girl. Lydia. What do you mean, Sir, eh ? I'm a girl now. But for the Latin names, You're quite mistaken-or, in better English, 11 162 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. You quite mistake. I learned them since we married, Out of Sir Joseph Paxton's Dictionary, The sweetest little book you ever saw. Horace. The sweetest little book I ever saw Was that one which I laid, with yonder ring, “ The accustomed offerings to the priest and clerk.” Lydia. I hope you'll always think so, darling, for I'm sure [After some more nonsense of this kind, they resume. Horace. Those stocks are handsome. Lydia. Horace, you deserve To be put in them. Come, dear, recollect. The Math- Horace. The Matthew, Mark, Lydia. The Mathiola Tri- Horace. Well, love, I am trying. Lydia. No, I mean Tricuspidata. O you goosey gander ! Horace. Come, I remember one, now, Mrs. Saucebol. Venus's looking Glass—I do know that. Lydia. I don't believe it. Horace. But I say I do. It's--stay~ I have it speckled spectacles. Do you think I'm quite a muff, M'm ? Lydia. Never mind; On that point I'll say nothing, but I think That specularia speculum might do Better than speckled spectacles. What's that: Horace. This ? Ah !-(a great sigh.)-This flower ſeminds me of the days PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 163 When I supposed you didn't mean to have me, And when I thought that scented little cousin (Kept but to keep me to proposing mark) Was in good truth my rival. Yes, this flower Is Love Lies Bleeding. Lydia. Is it? Such a name Is just as silly as your silly story. Poor little Paul! he loved me like a brother : And that's the amaranthus called caudatus. Horace. He was a wretched mite about as tall As yonder hollyhock. Lydia. Althea rosea. . His figure was perfection. Horace. The sweet P. There is another, much about his size. Lydia. That is the pisum macrocarpum, Horace, And I don't see why you should rail at Paul. He always said you were the cleverest man That came to see us—perhaps he made me think so. Horace. I'm sure I always liked him, as I like All your relations--mothers-uncles--aunts, Cousins—and grandmothers. I used to call him. After that flower there, Jemmy Jessamine. Lydia. Do call it the jasminum bracteatum. And you're not cross ? Horace. My Lydia, cross with thee? Light of my eyes, and Lady of my dreams, Star of my pathway- [Mr. Punch's space is valuable, but the Author may have the remaining two hundred lines on call. ing at 85, Fleet Street, and identifying them.] 164 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. Tumi IMMENS EN: LATT RÁCTION QUESTRIAN ONDER ML NU WWWWWW GORGEOUS SPECTACLE. Sarah Jane. "OH BETSY, COME 'ERE, AND BRING HISABELLER! WE OAN 933 THE 'OOFS OF THE 'ORSES !!" CONTENTMENT.—It is always best to put up with the first loss--as, for instance, when a person loses his hair. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 165 MR. RIGHT. For three years, during which I have occupied my present apartments, one delightful study has engaged my undivided attention. Not botany nor conchology, neither flowers nor shells do I allude to, but something more beau- tiful than either. I mean my opposite neighbor, Miss Alabaster, and her beaux. Miss Alabaster keeps a Seminary for Young Ladies, in which class I presume she would deferentially include herself. She is a brunette, round and plump, with small but brilliant black eyes, nose a little retroussé, duplex chin, and hair done in a Chinese style, which makes her 1 look irresistibly piquant and provoking. How many offers my fair neighbor had prior to Mr. Right's arrival, I cannot say with any degree of precision. My own knowledge is confined to half-a-dozen. First, came a flighty young fellow, a banker's round-collared clerk, with a half-holiday movement about his legs, which betrayed his great want, decision of purpose. He played expertly enough on his own trumpet, but failed in touching the chords of affection. After having been six months on trial, Miss Alabaster pronounced his cigars odious, and he disappeared like Jupiter--in a cloud. He was succeeded by a fat fair-haired German, with pale gray eyes, whose fire had nearly.gone out. This dull spark never told his love, but warbled it through a husky flute, most musical, most melan- çboly. The key, however, to Arabella's heart was not the key of A flat, and as bashfulness seemed to be one of Wil- elm's crotchets, she declined his overtures. He, therefore, 166 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. concluded his sentimental solo with a feeble shake, and retired coloring deeply—a Prussian blue. For some time Arabella sat at her window in maiden meditation, fancy free. At length a satanic little Frenchman, all eyes and teeth, flung himself before her, and with hurried vows, endeavored to wring from her that confession of devotion and dividends, which is so grateful to every ardent lover's ear. It came out, however, on a mouse running across the dining-room floor at this critical juncture, and which caused Alphonse to jump up in wonder and alarm, that he carried a dagger concealed beneath his crimson vest. Miss Alabaster saw his point at once, and scorning his cupidity, she concerted with old Meggs, her landlord, to distrain for rent, and when Alphonse called again, Arabella, with distress in her countenance, informed him that there was still more distress in the house, and could he, would he, advance the trifling sum of five-and-twenty pounds to send that horrid broker's man about his business? The ruse succeeded admirably. Monsieur blushed-stammered --pardonnez-moi'd-grinned horribly, and bade Ma'am. selle Alabastère a very good morning. An interregnum of nearly three months succeeded the deposition of the Gaul. At length a double-breasted young minister, soft in manners, placid in mien, but cau- tious and keen withal, was observed to call frequently upon Miss Alabaster, who listened with unwearied interest to his orthodox discourse. My landlady and I now began to hope that Arabella's dove-like affections had found an olive bough. But fate ordained it otherwise. The day was all but fixed, some serious conferences had been heid PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 167 upon the subject of wedding-cakes and cards, when Miss Alabaster, in walking through St. Paul's Churchyard, ob- served the divine proceeding at a quick pace towards Doc- tor's Commons. Prompted by some strange impulse, Ara- bella followed—he enters the Prerogative Office, secures an index-book of wills, and hastily runs his eye over the letter - A. At length he reaches the immaculate name of " Ala- baster.” It was Arabella's uncle, who had left her that little annuity, the mention of which had caused Arabella's prime ministers to smile so sweetly on their first interview. This want of confidence affected Arabella deeply. She could have pulled his ears for him, but she concealed her- self and her emotion, and when he called next day Miss Alabaster had gone out of Town—a fib at which the inquirer after truth appeared much shocked. I soon became fatigued, and so did my co-operative landlady, in watching and recording Miss Alabaster's flir- tations, until the arrival of a stout upright and stable- looking man, not saddled with infirmities, but well suited for a bridal. It was one Sunday evening when we first saw him escorting Arabella to church, and as my landlady. joyfully observed, there could be no doubt that “Mr. Right had come at last.” By dint of inquiry we discovered that Mr. Right was a bachelor and a floor-cloth manufacturer, a person of good designs but of defective education, as was shown by his aspirating his beloved's name as if he spelt it “Harry- bella." He, however, took steps for his own improvement, and got Miss Alabaster to teach him La Polka, &c. It inspired us with mingled feelings of sympathy and mirth, 168 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. to see Arabella piloting that heavy man through the graceful evolutions of the Schottisch. At last she fairly gave him up, and sinking down on the music-stool as she pointed to her muslin slip, Mr. Right perceived to his dis- may, that he had fairly put his foot in it. The offer of his hand followed almost as a necessary consequence. The sequel is soon told. Arabella had come little difficulty in looking over his gait, but it was very little. To speak with Spartan brevity, it was “mite against Right.” When the vitriolic Frenchman heard that Ara- bella was about to be married, he gnashed his false teeth, and raved about bringing an action for breach of promise, but Arabella trembled pot. She felt that she had Right on her side, and the rites of Hymen (which are bound up by the rights of women) made her happy and independent for evermore THE TEACHER TAUGHT.—A school-boy, having been desired by his preceptor to name that ancient Roman wri- ter who was supposed to be the most familiar with the literature of Greece, answered, SUET-ONIUS. ADVICE BY AN UNDERTAKER.—Practise tight lacing. Keep as much as possible in-doors. What exercise you must take, always take late at night, and keep it up till five in the morning. . THE PHILOSOPHY OF SMOKING.–Fast young men smoke a great deal, for it is the nature of a Rake to have a quantity of Weeds about him. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 169 STANZAS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL. On my declining to polk with ANGELINA at MRS. FLIRTINGTON's dance. It may not be—at least not yet; 'Tis no slight cause that bids me own it; Think not my promise I'd forget, But for a while I must postpone it. Think not I've ceased to love the whirl Of giddy waltz, or polka mazy; Nor that thy hair is out of curl, Nor that thy Edwin's getting lazy. Think not 'tis through some jealous qualms That thus I'd have thee disappointed : Nor that a prettier rival's charms Thy nasal organ have disjointed. Nay, teach not those sweet lips to pout, Nor at my pleading make wry faces ; Canst still thy faithful Edwin doubt ? Know then the truth : I've broke my braces ! THREE THINGS MODERN YOUNG MEN CULTIVATE.—The acquaintance of a young lady with plenty of money-shirt collars as high as a garden-wall-and a moustache. COMFORT FOR THE CORPULENT.—No man can think small beer of himself when he is well aware that he is stout. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 171 HATOPHOBIA. THERE is a society organizing in favor of the heads of society against the hats of the same. Never was there a movement which deserved a profounder sympathy or a more universal adherence. The Red Republican demands “a million heads; " the Hatophobist contents himself with demanding “a million hats,” and that demand we beg to echo. The history of hats is enough to shake one's faith in human progress. Instead of advancing, we have been retrograding, or, to make the most of it, we have not yet got beyond the wide-awake. It appears on the fricze of the Parthenon. (No. 1.) It is worn by the clod-crusher of Wiltshire. (No. 2.) But between these two extremes of what we may call the ideal Hat, what a decline and fall do our head-covers exhibit! There was the hood of the Saxon held its ground to the end of the thirteenth century. (No. 3.) Its tail was 172 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. cut up and twisted round the head, into the bonnet of the fourteenth. The unsightly turban was next modified into the jaunty bonnet of the Fifth, Sixth, and Seventh Henry. (No. 4.) * d ww.NIN The Eighth Henry exhibits the first development of brim. (No. 5.) The crown and brim broke out into more luxuriant proportions under Elizabeth. (No. 6.) The same development was at work under Mary and James—till, in Charles the First, the Hat reached its PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 173 A apogee, and stood revealed in the cavalier's head-gear, the most graceful that has ever shaded English heads. (No. 7.) From that moment we have to date the decline and fall of the Hat. (No. 8.) One side of it yielded under Charles the Second, and one segment gone, the others speedily followed, till, under William the Third, the brim was turned up all round, and vainly endeavored to make up by its brim and feather- edge for its lost breadth of shadow and sweep of line. (No. 9.) It was no use--all forms of “the cock ” were odious -nobs, bobs, steinkirks, keven- hullers -- or by whatever name they are known. With the French Revolution fell the un- cocked hatbut, alas, only to see the odious chimney-pot of our own day take its place. Society has struggled under its hat. In its uneasiness it has tried all modifications of that central cylinder, and tampered in every way with the insignificant brim, but to no purpose. Even Prince Al- bert's daring attempt at a composite of all these has been TH 174 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. generally pronounced a failure. (No. 10.) The human head-cover has still continued to resemble a truncated section of iron piping, (No. 11), and we seem still to lie under the disgrace of the ugliest hat that the world has yet seen, unless a vigorous effort is made to shake it off. Let the European world of inventors be called upon to come forward hat in hand, and try what can be done to crown humanity in the nineteenth century with something less like a chimney-pot. We know of nothing that can be said in favor of the article which we are forced to wear on our headsmit is hot in summer, it is not warm in winter; it does not shade us from the sun, it does not shelter us from the rain; it is ugly and expensive; you cannot wear it in a railway carriage, it is always in your way in a drawing-room; if you sit upon it you crush it, yet it will not save your skull in a fall from your horse; it will not go into a portmanteau, you are sure to forget it when suspended from the straps of a carriage roof. It is too hard to roll up, too soft to stand upon; it rusts with the sea-air, and spots with the rain ; if it is good, you are sure to have it taken by mistake at a soirée ; if it is bad, you are set down for a swindler-in short, it has all the bad qualities that a thing can have, and not one good one to set off against them. Rally then against the Hat of the nineteenth century! If you ask what is to be substituted in its place, We answer, Not the bonnet rouge of red republicanism; Not the white felt of ditto in Germany; Not the black steeple-crowned ditto in Rome; PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 175 but a hat that may recall the grace of the days of Charles the First without awakening the remembrance of their dissensions—a hat which combines, like our mixed Con- stitution, King, Lords, and Commons--the crown of the former, the cavalier grace of the second, and the service- able substantiality of the third. THE LATEST FROM AMERICA. (In Anticipation of the nero Submarine Telegraph. NOTICES have been served upon all the magpies in the neighborhood of New Orleans, that, for the future, they must decide whether they will be black or white; for it is morally impossible that they can be allowed to remain any longer on both sides. In Kentucky a barrister has taken out a patent for cracking jokes. The machine is in the form of a lawyer's head, mounted with a wig made apparently of horsehair, - and it is found that if the smallest joke is put into its mouth, it is cracked instantly with the greatest applause. In New Hampshire a miller has invented a new motive power for turning his mill. The secret consists in throw- ing every now and then a bottle of Cognac into the stream, and the effect, it is said, is such as to make the wheel, by the aid of this new brandy-and-water power, revolve with almost nearly the same velocity as a woman's tongue ! The voracity of the shark is too well known to need any comment. Last week, a full-sized one was taken in the Bay of New York. For days and nights previously, the persons living on the shores had been charmed with 176 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. the most delightful music. Upon the shark being opened, the secret was laid bare. Lo, and behold, there was a cottage piano inside its stomach! The instrument was open, and in front of it there was found a copy of “Cra- mer's Exercises." An Irish Oculist has the theory that the potato-disease arises from too much moisture, the consequence of which, he says, is to give the potato a cataract in its eye. He has devoted a whole lifetime to the special study of this disease, and he now makes the announcement that he has succeeded in inventing a “ Potato Eye Snuff,” which be guarantees will effectually cure the ophthalmic esculent. It is solemnly asserted by English Jurists that “Wis- dom lies in a Wig." But we can record a more wonderful phenomenon than that, for we actually knew an instance of the Wisdom lying in a Tory !-and at election times, it lied pretty soundly too. Elderly ladies, who have the privilege of proposing to young gentlemen during Leap-Year, should make a prac- tice of residing at Niagara, for at the falls every year is 8 Leap-Year. Barnum is about to proceed to London for the purpose of purchasing Vauxhall Gardens exactly as they stand, and bringing them over with the Hermit, the 10,000 Ad- ditional Lamps, Sea-Horses, and every thing all complete, to Niblo's Gardens. Mr. Mitchell is in the North, trying his best to domes- ticate the famous breed of Kilkenny Cats in our country. The reason why the ladies wear such tremendous cir- cumferential dresses, is a very spiteful one. It is only to PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 177 make it more difficult than ever for their poor weak fools of husbands to get round them. PUNCH'S POT-POURRI POUR RIRE. No woman is a beauty to her femme-de-chambre. A Lawyer's carriage is only a legal conveyance--and it is the client, as often as it stops at his door, who pays for the drawing up of it. Most Golden Calves, when thrown into the crucible of Time, turn out no better than Pigs of Lead ! Life is a Romance, of which a Coquette never tires of turning over a new leaf. Mock no man for his snud-nose, for you never can tell what may turn up. A character, like a kettle, once mended, always wants mending Be kind even in your reproofs, and reserve them till the morning. No one can sleep well who goes to bed with a flea in his ear. The man who is fond of staking his reputation upon the smallest trifle, generally retires from the contest before he is called upon to deposit his stake. Life is full of contradictions—but Woman takes very good care that we shall never hear the last of it. It is wrong to judge men by trifles. The man, yes- terday, who kept the dinner waiting half-an-hour, keeps his mother-in-law ! USE AND ABUSE. The Cab and the Driver. 12 178 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. ON TIGHT LACING. You are aware, young ladies, that by means of tight lacing, the waist of the female figure may be made to vie with that of the wasp, and to resemble the form of an hour-glass, or the letter X; thus very much improving its appearance. You have seen, perhaps, the statue of the Venus de Medicis; and you know what a fright of a figure it has, in consequence of the model from which it was taken evidently never having worn a corset. The rose, however, is never without the thorn; the most agreeable evening party has its drawbacks. And so vine IT MAKETL RED THE NOOR. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 171 НАТОРНовIA. THERE is a society organizing in favor of the heads of society against the hats of the same. Never was there a movement which deserved a profounder sympathy or a more universal adherence. The Red Republican demands "a million heads;" the Hatophobist contents himself with demanding “a million hats,” and that demand we beg to echo. The history of hats is enough to shake one's faith in human progress. Instead of advancing, we have been retrograding, or, to make the most of it, we have not yet got beyond the wide-awake. It appears on the fricze of the Parthenon. (No. 1.) It is worn by the clod-crusher of Wiltshire. (No. 2.) 20, VM But between these two extremes of what we may call the ideal Hat, what a decline and fall do our head-covers exhibit ! There was the hood of the Saxon held its ground to the end of the thirteenth century. (No. 3.) Its tail was PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 179 there are, unhappily, some unpleasant results oonsequent on compression, at the expense of which a slender waist is purchased. The circulating fluid, from a disagreeable law of na- ture, is forced up into the head. The color of the fluid is rosy, as you know. The delicate health attendant on tight lacing forbids it to adorn the cheek, and accordingly it is transferred to the nose, which its tint does not adorn by any means. Within the circle of the waist are com- prised certain plaguy vessels, whose freedom from pressure is unfortunately required. When they are subject to any obstruction, as they are by close lacing, there is a vexatious TINE IT MAKETH ANKLES AND FEET TO SWELL. 180 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. tendency in the ankles to swell; and the worst is, that s tight shoe only renders the disfigurement the more con- spicuous. Young ladies have also some tiresome muscles, whose support is necessary to the spine. Their power is de- stroyed—what a pity this is !—by tight stays; and then the back assumes à curvature. How grievous that one cannot be at once slender and straight! Comfort must also be sacrificed to elegance, and the reduction of the waist occasions giddiness and headache. This perhaps alone would be a trifle; but lacing involves H10 10 DERTO I TUI EBSITE THE HANDS INCREASE IN BIZE. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 181 short life: and as the contracted figure suggests a resem- blance to the hour-glass, the hour-glass suggests a warning to the contracted figure. CRINOLINE'S RAGING FURY; OR; THE FASHIONABLE FEMALE'S SUFFERINGS. You rustic maids of England, Who dress yourselves with ease, Ah, little do you think how hard It is French taste to please. Give ear unto the milliners, And they will plainly show With what care, tight with air, They our Crinolines do blow. All you that will be modish, Must bear a steadfast heart; For when boys gibe you in the streets, You must not blush nor start; Nor must you be disgusted To hear them cry, “ Hallo ! I should think you will shrink : Give your Crinoline a blow !" The bitter jests and sarcasms A poor girl must endure, And look a fright to dress aright, Are grievous, te be sure; PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 183 The husband, and the lover, May simple gowns prefer, That fit the form, and in a storm, With safety let one stir; Reproaches fierce, our hearts that pierce, Against our taste they throw, Which we poor things endure, Whilst our Crinolines we blow. We put on costly merchandise Of most enormous price, So much we need of drapery, To follow this device; We spend so much in drapery, Of such a size to show, And with toil our shape spoil, When our Crinolines we blow. A FALLACY FOR THE FACULTIES.-- Why ought a tailor never to begin to make a coat until he tries it on ? Because every thing in connection with business ought to be done at the fitting time. LOVE IN Low LIFE.--Before marriage the man is very much struck with the woman, and afterwards the woman is very much struck by the man. A VEIL. A Lace Blind, worn by a woman, not to hide her blushes, but to save her complexion. PRETTY LITTLE Thought.-The Squirrel jumps from branch to branoh, the Flirt from beau to beau. 184 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. THE WORKS AND SAYINGS OF ANON. Of Anon but little is known, though his works are excese sively numerous. He has dabbled in every thing. Prose and Poetry were alike familiar to his pen. One moment he will be up the highest flights of philosophy, and the next he will be down in some kitchen-garden of literature, culling an Enormous Goosebury, to present it to the columns of some provincial newspaper. His contributions are scattered wherever the English language is read. Open any volume of Miscellanies, at any place you will, and you are sure to fall upon some choice little bit, signed by “ Anon." What a mind must his have been! It took in every thing, like a pawnbroker's shop. Nothing was too trifling for its grasp. Now, he was hanging on to the trunk of an elephant, and explaining to you how it was more elastic thán a pair of india-rubber braces; and next he would be constructing a suspension-bridge with a series of monkeys' tails, tying them together as they do pocket- handkerchiefs in the gallery of a theatre when they want to fish up a bonnet that has fallen into the Pit. Anon is one of our greatest authors. If all the things which are signed with Anon's name were collected on rows of shelves, he would require a British Museum all to himself. And yet of this great man so little is known that we are not even acquainted with his Christian name. There is no certificate of baptism; no mouldy tombstone, no musty washing-bill in the world on which we can hook the smallest line of speculation whether it was John, or James, or Joshua, or Tom, or Dick, or Billy Anon. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 185 Shame, that a man should write so much, and yet be known so little. Oblivion uses its snuffers, sometimes, very un- justly. On second thoughts, perhaps, it is as well that the works of Anon were not collected together. His reputa- tion for consistency would not probably be increased by the collection. It would be found that frequently he had contradicted himself—that in many instances, when he had been warmly upholding the Christian white of a question, he had afterwards turned round, and maintained with equal warmth the Pagan black of it. He might often be discovered on both sides of a truth, jumping boldly from the right side over to the wrong, and flinging big stones at any one who dared to assail him in either position. Such double-sidedness would not be pretty, and yet we should be lenient to such inconsistencies. With one, who had written so many thousand volumes, who had twirled his thoughts as with a mop on every possible subject, how was it possible to expect any thing like consistency ? How was it likely that he could recollect every little atom out of the innumerable mountains his pen had heaped up? Anon ought to have been rich, but he lived in an age when piracy was the fashion, and when booksellers walked about, as it were, like Indian chiefs with the skulls of the authors they had slain hung round their necks. No won. der, therefore, that we know nothing of the wealth of Anon. Doubtless he died in a garret, like many other kindred spirits, Death being the only score out of the many knock- ing at his door that he could pay. But to his immortal credit let it be said, he has filled more libraries than the 186 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. most generous patrons of literature. The volumes that formed the fuel of the barbarians' bonfire at Alexandria, would be but a small bookstall by the side of the octavos, quartos, and duodecimos he has pyramidised on our book- shelves. Look through any catalogue you will, and you will find that a large proportion of the works in it have been contributed by Anon. The only author, who can in the least compete with him in fecundity and variety of subject, is Ibid. We will now endeavor to give a few specimens of the varied powers, and comprehensive intelligence of poor neglected Anon: “Parents should recollect that children are little better than pillowsh-yielding to the heads that recline upon them either comfort and rest, or uneasiness and sleepless anxiety, according to the way in which they have been filled."- Anon. “ The greenest persons are noted always for making the finest pickles." —Anon. “Where there is smoke there is fire,' says the old proverb, and this is more particularly true, at most fire- sides, of tobacco smoke. The moment the husband begins to smoke, that very moment the wife begins to fire."- Anon. “It must be confessed that fools in their emptiness offer a rich temptation for plunder, as deserted houses are often ransacked for the sake of the lead that covers thom.”- Anon. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 187 « When an apostate turns, it is as a windmill turns, to make bread by it.”—Anon. “ Relieve misfortune quickly. A man is like an egg- the longer he is kept in hot water, the harder he is when taken out of it." _Anon. “ A Sophist fishes for a common place with a crooked pin.”—Anon. « There are two sides to every question there is the knife side, and there is the fork side—and that is the best way of settling every question. It's hard, indeed, if, be- fore the dinner is over, the Truth has not been found on one side or the other."—Anon. "The Battle of Life may be thus defined : Courtship is the engagement or siege, the Proposal is the assault, and Matrimony the victory. And what comes after Matrimony? Why, I am sure I don't know, unless, it is the Te Deum (tædium) that comes after most victories.”_ Anon. “An angry woman in a room is as bad as a lighted cracker--for when once she goes off, there's no stopping her, and when she does go out, it is sure to be with a bang ! "-Anon. We hope we have strung sufficient pearls for a neck- lace to hang round the neglected neck of the immortal Anon. YOUR LITERARY WOMEN. LITERARY Women (says JENKINS) remind him of beau- tiful flowers, that have been withered and dried between sheets of blotting paper. 190 PUNCA'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 190 NIK ANERICAN ENTHUSIAST UNCH AND HIS PIP PINS.—The “immediate ap- ple of our eye" is an American apple, which we happen to have in our eye at the present mo- ment. It is not an apple of discord, but an apple whichi oomes home to our very heart's core with its assurances of friendship. A Correspondent, who signs himself “THE AMERICAN ENTHUSIAST,” has allowed his enthusiasm to take the very sensible turn of a present of apples to Punch, who, while receiving it, pro- ceeds to cut it up; and, like some critics, shows his taste by making mince-meat of it. We have perused the whole of the apples with great satisfaction, and though we might find a spot here and there, the blemish is only on the sur. face ; for when we descend a little lower than skin-deep, we find the apple quite worthy of the appellation of the American Prince of Pippins, which we hereby confer on it. EXPERIENCE.—Women dislike talkative men : they know how it's done. 192 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. STANZAS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL On a Tear which ANGELINA observed Trickling doron my Nose at dinner time. Nay, fond one! I will ne'er reveal Whence flowed that sudden tear: The truth 'twere kindness to conceal From thy too anxious ear. 11. How often when some hidden spring Of recollected grief Is rudely touched, a tear will bring The bursting breast relief! Yet 'twas no anguish of the soul, No memory of woes, Bade that one lonely tearlet roll Adown my chiselled nose : But, ah ! interrogation's note Still twinkles in thine eye; Know then that I have burnt my throat With this confounded pie ! DON'T SAY NEIGH! We understand that some check has been given to the horse-eating mania by the fear that the too frequent eating of osses will bring on a tendency to ossification of the heart.-N.B. The reader is requested to respond to the above with a horse-laugh ? PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 193 193 GETTING DRUNK WITH A PURPOSE. A MOVEMENT is now on foot to put a legislative stop to all drinking of every kind of beer or spirit, “except for medicinal purposes.” Whether it will be an improvement to saturate society with water instead of moistening it with malt, is a question we leave to those who delight in dry discussion; but we must warn the friends of total absti- nence that the exception “for medicinal purposes” is suffi- cient to throw the whole question overboard. We never yet knew an old woman who could not find a “medicinal purpose" for every glass of grog she happened to have a fancy for. If an Act of Parliament should ever be passed to prohibit spirit drinking, except for medicinal purposes, it will be absolutely necessary to add a schedule of imagi- nary maladies which shall be declared to be not within the exceptions allowed by the statute. In this schedule we would comprise that anile ailing familiarly known as the "wind,” which has caused the consumption of more brandy and water by elderly females in one month than has been imbibed by the most inveterate topers during an equal period. We must also guard the legislature against the allowance of “spasms ” as a ground of exception to any measure for the prohibition of dram drinking, for there is no doubt that any woman of a certain age can command spasms ” at any moment, when she is desirous of calling up“ spirits from the vasty deep" of the cellaret. HINT TO MISCHIEF-MAKERS.-Every medal has its re- verse_and every meddler deserves to meet with one. 13 194 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. A FLIGHT OF FANCY. To look at the Ladies' bonnets, you would imagine that the March winds had blown them all off, but it is no such thing; it is only an air the bonnets, in their conceit, give themselves. They fly off of their own accord, and we believe so stiff-necked are they in their generation, that not all the blowing upon in the world would be able to give them a different turn. A MONSTER IN HUMAN FORM. We know (but shall drop his acquaintance as soon as we get married) a blighted old Bachelor, who says, “that he supposes, the natural diet of an infant being milk will account for its (s)cream !” FAITHFUL EVEN IN AFFLICTION.—Your true woman will never acknowledge she is beaten! Even in cases of proved brutality on the part of the husband, you see that Magis- trates have the greatest difficulty in getting the wife to admit the fact ! NIOBE FOR A BETTER HALF.—A poor simple husband has a wife, who is so addicted to crying, that he calls her " the perpetual Tear and wear of his life.” SWEETS TO THE SWEET.—Woman is a beautiful flower, that can be told, in the dark eyen, by its (s)talk. A LAZY HORSE.—The Pegasus of Genius seldom stirs without the spur of necessity. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 195 THE MAHOGANY SPEAKER. WHEN a man a young man, not born with natural eloquence; a youth to whose lips the potato blossom has never magically imparted the flowers of speech-when, we say, a young man is called upon his legs, and stands with ground glass in his stockings—his heart working, like a piston, twenty coward power-his ears ringing with the vibrations of forty thousand bells--his eyes striving to fix the dancing candles, and his tongue as cold and mo- tionless, lying in his mouth withal as clammy as a dead snail, --when a man is in this most tremendous stress of emotion, then—and particularly then-he is called upon to own that that very moment of insupportable agony is, beyond all conceivable comparison—the happiest moment of his life! We say nothing of the hypocrisy of the assertion. Hypocrisy is highly necessary in decent life. It is the veneer of mahogany covering the deal plank; making the meaner wood presentable in good society. We say nothing of the hypocrisy; but sympathize very deeply with the sufferings of the hypocrite. Hence, in the exuberance of that goodness that for the past ten years has put forth this Pocket Book as a daily guide and monitor to millions, we propose to set down a certain number of toasts to meet some of the large and small necessities of table, or, so to speak, of mahogany life. And to begin :- 1.-A BIRTHDAY SPEECH ON ARRIVING AT THE AGE OF ONE AND TWENTY.* LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --Standing on the broad ground of manhood, I look around me and I thank you. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 197 There name], who watched over my second teeth, and took behe dentist's, when my mother shrank from that pay duty; to you I owe my dental regularity [here and trust that, for many years, I may exercise my id incisors on your beef and pudding. May the vc log, long distant, when I shall inherit your punch- sauc roamented with a Queen Anne's guinea, to say of the base mammon, called, in the slang of the orld, the Three per Cents. And you, sir—[name bress family friends),-can I forget the interest sous" godfather, took in my earliest welfare? Can I emember that upon your wholesome advice I was ely flogged for truant, when the weakness of my parents would have suffered me to pass unscathed? No, most healthy flagellation I shall never forget. It 1- [here again the hand to the heart]—marked y here. You are a childless bachelor: would it therwise! Would I could call the son of such a my friend. It was not to be, and I bow to fate. ", sir, believe this; the name with which you have me shall never be sullied : nor shall the estate h that name is proudly associated—should it in time descend to me, for one month, one day, one e minute-be sullied by a mortgage--be blighted hey-lender. Ladies and gentlemen, forgive my and, in conclusion, believe, and although I am- deed a man, I never felt so much a child. ROOM'S SPEECH.“ TE HEALTH OF THE BRIDEGROOM AND BRIDE.” RIENDS, Of myself at this most mystic hour, say nothing. No; but I thank you for my wer friend my friend. It wa However, sir, believe this; honored me shall never with which that name is pro fulness of time descend to m hour, one minute—be su feelings : and, in conci I am-indeed a man, I ne I will say 198 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. wife. Wife! Blissful monosyllable. A blended harmony of all earth's music! Wife ---that calls up, as with an enchanter's wand, the homestead and the hearth! The kettle singing, rejoicingly singing on the bar—and the cat sleeping, profoundly sleeping on the rug! A word that intensifies so many meanings! The call of butcher and baker-and milk below—and quarter's rent—and water- rate and the Queen's taxes. Ladies and gentlemen, when I only glance at the wedding-ring upon my wife's finger- that ring and that finger which it has been the summit of my bliss this morning to bring together—when I look upon that simple bit of golden wire, it seems to me that in the words of the beautiful bard of Avon, “I have put a girdle round about the world”-a world of beauty, of truth, of constancy and love. When I look at that ring —and how can I help looking at it ?-does not its bright- ness fascinate and chain me-yes, I will repeat it; I am proud to repeat it,—chain me? When I look at that ring, am I not reminded of the circle of domestic duties—a cir- cle, even and complete, and without a flaw; a circle har- monious with golden utterance, a circle of purity without alloy—a never-ending, still beginning round of earthly happiness. My friends, when the honeymoon is over—not that it ever will be over with my own--own-[Here give the bride's name, Arabella or Dorcas, as the name may be],--and myself, (for we propose to enjoy twelve honey. moons every year of our lives,) when I enter my house- and here let us return due thanks to my honored father- in-law who has furnished that unpretending mansion with equal taste and liberality, though he will forgive me, if in PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 199 this confiding hour, when the heart swells, and the tongue will speak, if I jocosely observe to him, that the house has a wine-cellar, and that his taste in tawny port is unex- ceptionable,—when I say I enter my house, and for the first time sinking in my arm-chair, place my slippered feet upon my rug—that rug worked by certain hands with hearts-ease and roses—I shall say to myself, here is my paradise and here[here look at the bride very passion- ately]-and here my Eve! I shallod by certmy, slippered atelyha and heraf IIL—ON RECEIVING A PIECE OF PLATE. GENTLEMEN,—In having filled the office of—[here put in the office, whether that of Chancellor of the Exchequer, Churchworden, or Treasurer to a Cricket Club,]---I assure you I have had but one object-your interest. That object, I fearlessly assert, has never ceased to accom- pany me. It has gone to bed with me; it has slept with me; it has got up with me; it has shaved with me. Your interest, gentlemen, has been the polar-star to my eye, the staff to my hand, and the roses to my feet. Do I say this to make any claim upon your gratitude ? No, gentlemen : in giving utterance to these solemn and pro- found emotions for they are solemn, since they are not often evoked but upon serious occasions like the presenta they are profound, for they come from the very bottomest bottom of my heart—(gentlemen, it is sometimes the allow- ed privilege of deep feeling to violate grammar, a privi- lege that my impulsive soul must lay claim to at this mo- ment)--in giving utterance to this, and much more than this, much more easily conceived than spoken, I merely 202 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. say some of them, gentlemen, for I do, assure you—though do not misinterpret such assurance it would take an ex. ceedingly large silver tea-board to boot, to bear even in the shortest short-hand a notice of the qualities that, like the flowers upon the satin gown in which she appears be- fore you on this happy occasion, cover and adorn her. Ladies and gentlemen, whilst thanking you for this tea- pot, permit me to say that you could not have chosen a more appropriate present for our domestic hearth. What the tripod was to the ancient priestess, the tea-pot (with a considerable improvement) is to the English housewife. If it does not inspire her with prophecy, it does much better ; it fills her with gentleness and good humor, and makes her cheerful in bestowing cups of cheerfulness upon others. Gentlemen, it is said by Arabian writers, that Solomon's genii were confined in kettles—then allow me to say, they must have been tea-kettles; for from them-ministered by woman-man drinks quietude, refreshing calmness, and domestic wisdom.] We could add twenty other samples; but feel assured that, with only a tolerable memory, and presence of mind exercised at some half-dozen tables, the speaker may adapt the above sentences to almost any subject, melting them like broken glass, and blowing them again into different objects. How TO BE AN EARLY BIRD.—Jump out of bed the moment you hear the knock at the door. The man who hesitates when called is lost. The mind should be made up in a minute, for early rising is one of those subjects that admit of no turning over. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 203 LOVE'S INCREASE. They say that years have changed thee, that thy hair, Once raven black, is turned to iron gray; That thy complexion, once so passing fair, Is like the deeds which property convey. They tell me that thy cheek is cover'd o'er With furrows, which to age possess a fitness; No matter--dearest, I will love thee more, And to my truth let those indentures witness. They whisper that thy former sylph-like waist Is far more podgy than it used to be; Well! well ! kind Nature does but show her taste In making much--something too much—of thee. If thou wert twice thy size, my sighs the same I'd breathe for thee- I still should cry," no matter," With love I burn—shall fat put out the flame ? No, I had loved thee, hadst thou been much fatter. How to CooK YOUR DINNER WITHOUT Coals, Gas, or FUEL !-Have three Removes, for we all know that “ three removes are as good as a Fire.” CURIOUS CHINESE DEFINITION.—The Chinese call a pricking conscience “a hedgehog with all the points turned inwards." Ruins.—You never saw a ruin without ivy-you never saw a ruined man but he had a lawyer clinging round him. 204 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. BAD THOUGHTS. (Written at Baden-Baden.) From the little gratitude shown nowadays, you would imagine no one ever did an act of kindness. Little by little, as we travel through life, do our whims increase, and become more troublesome—just like women's luggage on a journey. A girl at school would like to have two birthdays every year. When she grows up a woman, she objects to having even one. The Parentage of a Lie is the most difficult of all to trace. It is indeed, a clever Lie that knows its own Father ! The worst kind of borrower is he who borrows with the intention of repaying, for you know to a moral cer. tainty that he intends to borrow again. If England was a paradise, still you would find Eng. lishmen grumbling. More beggars are relieved for the sake of getting rid of them than from any feeling of charity. It is a curious system of drainage to close up all the Sewers, and to leave the Thames open into which they all flow! They say “Friendship is but a pame;" at all events it is not one you often see on the back of a bill. It is strange how often it occurs, whenever a person is disinclined to do a thing, that he is laboring under "a cold !” Scandal, like a kite, to fly well, depends greatly on the length of the tale it has to carry. 196 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I feel my responsibility; I feel my privileges of citizenship, and I hope I also feel my duties. Yesterday. I was an infant-to-day [here strike the bosom with the expanded hand] to-day I am a man. According to the benignity of the British Constitution, I am eligible [this supposes you not to be a Jew] to any office. I see a bright and extended line before me; begin. ning with the churchwarden and ending with the Prime Minister. I hope, if called upon by my parish or my country, I shall be found equal—(as that distinguished novelist Eugene Aram has observed)—equal to either for ! tune! And now, permit me to allude to the authors of my being; the proudest of authors, since it can be said of 1 every child what cannot be said of every book, the child is original. [Use or omit this, according to the capacity of the company for a joke.] To the best of fathers I owe much; and when I feel assured that it is, despite of him. self, his paternal intention to pay all my debts, when I feel this, I also feel I shall owe him considerably more! Indeed, at the present moment, I cannot venture to sur- mise the amount of obligation: however, let that pass, but let it pass into thankfulness for what is gone-and, oh! with treble thankfulness for the allowance that is to come. And now, how shall I speak of the kindness of my mother?" How, with sufficient affection for years of indulgence, beginning in the dim twilight of infancy, with the unlimit- ed run of the sugar-basin, and ending with any amount of pocket-money and (heroically daring the anger of my father), with the secret trust of the latch-key. I have also to thank the friends of my childhood. To you, Mrs.- PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 197 [here name], who watched over my second teeth, and took me to the dentist's, when my mother shrank from that painful duty; to you I owe my dental regularity [here smile], and trust that, for many years, I may exercise my molars and incisors on your beef and pudding. May the day be long, long distant, when I shall inherit your punch- ladle, ornamented with a Queen Anne's guinea, to say nothing of the base mammon, called, in the slang of the selfish world, the Three per Cents. And you, sir—[name and address family friends],—can I forget the interest you, my godfather, took in my earliest welfare ? Can I cease to remember that upon your wholesome advice I was wholesomely flogged for truant, when the weakness of my parents would have suffered me to pass unscathed ? No, sir; that most healthy flagellation I shall never forget. It is marked-[here again the hand to the heart]—marked indelibly here. You are a childless bachelor : would it were otherwise ! Would I could call the son of such a friend my friend. It was not to be, and I bow to fate. However, sir, believe this; the name with which you have honored me shall never be sullied : nor shall the estate with which that name is proudly associated—should it in fulness of time descend to me, for one month, one day, one hour, one minute-be sullied by a mortgagembe blighted by a money-lender. Ladies and gentlemen, forgive my feelings: and, in conclusion, believe, and although I am- I am—indeed a man, I never felt so much a child. 11.—A BRIDEGROOM'S SPEECH. “TIE HEALTH OF THE BRIDEGROOM AND BRIDE.” MY FRIENDS,—Of myself at this most mystic hour, I will say nothing. No; but I thank you for my 198 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. wife. Wife! Blissful monosyllable. A blended harmony of all earth's music! Wife,--that calls up, as with an enchanter's wand, the homestead and the hearth! The kettle singing, rejoicingly singing on the bar—and the cat sleeping, profoundly sleeping on the rug! A word that intensifies so many meanings ! The call of butcher and baker-and milk below—and quarter's rent—and water- rate and the Queen's taxes. Ladies and gentlemen, when I only glance at the wedding-ring upon my wife's finger- that ring and that finger which it has been the summit of my bliss this morning to bring together—when I look upon that simple bit of golden wire, it seems to me that in the words of the beautiful bard of Avon, “I have put a girdle round about the world "--a world of beauty, of truth, of constancy and love. When I look at that ring -and how can I help looking at it ?—does not its bright- ness fascinate and chain me—yes, I will repeat it; I am proud to repeat it,-chain me? When I look at that ring, am I not reminded of the circle of domestic duties—a cir- cle, even and complete, and without a flaw; a circle har- monious with golden utterance, a circle of purity without alloy—a never-ending, still beginning round of earthly happiness. My friends, when the honeymoon is over—not that it ever will be over with my own--own—[Here give the bride's name, Arabella or Dorcas, as the name may be],--and myself, (for we propose to enjoy twelve honey- moons every year of our lives,) when I enter my house and here let us return due thanks to my honored father- in-law who has furnished that unpretending mansion with equal taste and liberality, though he will forgive me, if in PUNCA'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 199 this confiding hour, when the heart swells, and the tongue will speak, if I jocosely observe to him, that the house has a wine-cellar, and that his taste in tawny port is unex- ceptionable,—when I say I enter my house, and for the first time sinking in my arm-chair, place my slippered feet upon my rug—that rug worked by certain hands with hearts-ease and roses—I shall say to myself, here is my paradise and here [here look at the bride very passion- ately)—and here my Eve! IL-ON RECEIVING A PIECE OF PLATE. GENTLEMEN,—In having filled the office of—[here put in the office, whether that of Chancellor of the E.cchequer, Churchworden, or Treasurer to a Cricket Club,]---I assure you I have had but one object—your interest. That object, I fearlessly assert, has never ceased to accom- pany me. It has gone to bed with me; it has slept with me; it has got up with me; it has shaved with me. Your interest, gentlemen, has been the polar-star to my eye, the staff to my hand, and the roses to my feet. Do I say this to make any claim upon your gratitude ? No, gentlemen : in giving utterance to these solemn and pro- found emotions for they are solemn, since they are not often evoked but upon serious occasions like the present- they are profound, for they come from the very bottomest bottom of my heart-(gentlemen, it is sometimes the allow- ed privilege of deep feeling to violate grammar, a privi- lege that my impulsive soul must lay claim to at this mo- ment)--in giving utterance to this, and much more than this, much more easily conceived than spoken, I merely 200 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. MA PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 201 state that in fulfilling your service, I have fulfilled my own personal pleasure !• I have sought no other reward- I expected none, I wished for none. Nevertheless, gentle- men, when I look upon the splendid candelabra before me —a candelabra of fourteen branches,—I beg to assure you that I shall again and again in the deep midnight contem- plate the fourteen wax candles that will be continually burning therein,-only as so many lights to higher exer- tion-as so many vivifying suns kindling and strengthen- ing me in your service.] [If the piece of plate shordd be a snuff-box, say, And, gentlemen, whenever I open this box, whenever my finger and thumb shall take from within a restorative pinch, and taken, when my finger and thumb shall fillip off the particles that may adhere, I shall moralize upon those particles, and think all rewards but dust, but that best reward, your friendship-your support.] [If the token presented be a watch, say—And never, gentlemen, shall I hear it tick, but my heart will pulsate in unison with its sound; never will it strike the time, but my fancy will, with backward flight, return to the present moment, the happiest, proudest, moment of my life !] [Should the speaker be a married man, and should a silver tea-pot be also presented to his wife, he may say—It is said, ladies and gentlemen, that a man must not praise himself. Yet how is it possible to avoid such eulogy when called upon to speak of his wife—who is of himself —the dearest and most precious part of his existence ? Gentlemen, I thank you for Mrs. - You have inscri- bed some of her virtues on that silver tea-pot: I fearlessly 202 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. say some of them, gentlemen, for I do assure you—though do not misinterpret such assurance-it would take an ex. ceedingly large silver tea-board to boot, to bear even in the shortest short-hand a notice of the qualities that, like the flowers upon the satin gown in which she appears be- fore you on this happy occasion, cover and adorn her. Ladies and gentlemen, whilst thanking you for this tea- pot, permit me to say that you could not have chosen a more appropriate present for our domestic hearth. What the tripod was to the ancient priestess, the tea-pot (with a considerable improvement) is to the English housewife. If it does not inspire her with prophecy, it does much better; it fills her with gentleness and good humor, and makes her cheerful in bestowing cups of cheerfulness upon others. Gentlemen, it is said by Arabian writers, that Solomon's genii were confined in kettles—then allow me to say, they must have been tea-kettles; for from them-ministered by woman-man drinks quietude, refreshing calmness, and domestic wisdom.] We could add twenty other samples; þut feel assured that, with only a tolerable memory, and presence of mind exercised at some half-dozen tables, the speaker may adapt the above sentences to almost any subject, melting them like broken glass, and blowing them again into different objects. i How TO BE AN EARLY BIRD.-Jump out of bed the moment you hear the knock at the door. The man who hesitates when called is lost. The mind should be made up in a minute, for early rising is one of those subjects that admit of no turning over. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 203 LOVE'S INCREASE. They say that years have changed thee, that thy hair, Once raven black, is turned to iron gray; That thy complexion, once so passing fair, Is like the deeds which property convey. They tell me that thy cheek is cover'd o'er With furrows, which to age possess a fitness ; No matter-dearest, I will love thee more, And to my truth let those indentures witness. They whisper that thy former sylph-like waist Is far more podgy than it used to be; Well! well ! kind Nature does but show her taste In making much--something too much—of thee. If thou wert twice thy size, my sighs the same I'd breathe for thee-I still should cry, " no matter," With love I burn-shall fat put out the flame ? No, I had loved thee, hadst thou been much fatter. How to CooK YOUR DINNER WITHOUT Coals, Gas, or FUEL !-Have three Removes, for we all know that “ three removes are as good as a Fire.” CURIOUS CHINESE DEFINITION.—The Chinese call a pricking conscience "a hedgehog with all the points turned inwards." Ruins.—You never saw a ruin without ivy-you never saw a ruined man but he had a lawyer clinging round him. 204 · PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. BAD THOUGHTS. (Written at Baden-Baden.) From the little gratitude shown nowadays, you would imagine no one ever did an act of kindness. Little by little, as we travel through life, do our whims increase, and become more troublesome—just like women's luggage on a journey. A girl at school would like to have two birthdays every year. When she grows up a woman, she objects to having even one. The Parentage of a Lie is the most difficult of all to trace. It is, indeed, a clever Lie that knows its own Father! The worst kind of borrower is he who borrows with the intention of repaying, for you know to a moral cer. tainty that he intends to borrow again. If England was a paradise, still you would find Eng. lishmen grumbling. More beggars are relieved for the sake of getting rid of them than from any feeling of charity. It is a curious system of drainage to close up all the Sewers, and to leave the Thames open into which they all flow ! They say “Friendship is but a name;" at all events it is not one you often see on the back of a bill. It is strange how often it occurs, whenever a person is disinclined to do a thing, that he is laboring under "& cold !” Scandal, like a kite, to fly well, depends greatly on the length of the tale it has to carry. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 205 A SONG WHEN lovely woman, prone to folly, Finds that e'en ROWLAND's oils betray; What charm can soothe her melancholy ? What art can turn gray hairs away? The only art gray hairs to cover, . To hide their tint from every eye, To win fresh praises from her lover, And make him offer—is to dye. THUMBNAIL PORTRAITS. THE MAN WHO PARTS HIS HAIR DOWN THE MIDDLE. He has been brought up at home, or else educated at a girl's school. He can make pies and puddings, and is an unfailing hand at threading a needle. His sisters have taught him to sew, and it is said that he mends his own stockings, but at all events he does not practise the art in public. He wears turn-down collars, and cultivates senti- mental poetry. He plays the flute, and loves to look at the moon. His great passion is reading novels. Many a night's rest has a lovely heroine robbed him of! His voice is soft and flute-like-but a flute that only plays the very lowest notes. There is a confidential tone about his conversation, as if he were whispering some fearful secret that he was mortally afraid would be overheard. If he goes to the theatre he takes his goloshes with him. He is 206 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK' OF FUN. - timid, and has been known to walk up and down a pastry. cook's for half-an-hour before he has dared go in to ask for a penny bun. At an evening party, he drinks lemon- ade, or orangeade, or sherryade, or any other mild young man's “ ade;" in the daytime, if he imbibes any thing, it is milk, or ginger-beer. Beer he sets his lips against en. tirely, as, in his refined opinion, it tends to grossness. He contributes to Ladies' Albums, collects autographs, writes acrostics, and is indefatigable in his exertions if a young lady should want half a million soiled postage stamps to complete a charitable wager. His remarks upon the wea- ther are as invaluable as they are inexhaustible, but, per- sonally, he is not very strong, and he cannot sit with his back to his horses. It makes him giddy to waltz. He hands the muffins round with a grace that no lady can re. fuse. He sings in the sweetest little voice that wouldn't wake up a canary. But he is very miserable in his songs, and is always breaking his heart, or begging that he may die, but if he were asking you to pass the melted butter he couldn't put the request more mildly. At a pic-nic he is invaluable-(and we never new a pic-nic take place with- out a man who parted his hair down the middle)—for he runs for the plates, cleans the knives and forks, fetches the spring water, and does a number of little useful offices whilst the other gentlemen are quietly seated down upon the grass eating their dinners. More than this, his pockets are always stocked with pincushions, and smelling. bottles, voice-lozenges, and pocket scissors and combs, and an infinity of nick-nacks most serviceable to the ladies, who call him in return " a dear man;" and he is never so PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 207 happy as when he is carrying their shawls and parasols, or is tuning their guitar, or holding their music, or with his cambric pocket handkerchief (a perfect cobweb, that you might roll up into less than a pill), is frightening away the “nasty gnats.” With him all children are “ dears” and “pets ”—all babies," sweet little things ;” and he stabs them playfully with his finger, and “ chickabiddies " then until he makes them cry. He doesn't like children, however, who romp and are noisy, disagreeable children, who pull him about, and disarrange his trowsers by climbing up his knees, or dirty his clean gaiters by standing on his boots, or tumble his beautiful hair. To conclude with a few rapid character. istics. THE MAN WHO PARTS HIS Hair (it is generally light hair or a faint auburn) DOWN THE MIDDLE perfumes his handkerchief, likes homemade wines, is passionately fond of flowers, adores Byron, cannot bear onions, carries an eye-glass, keeps a diary and a cat, holds skeins of silk for ladies, is ready to lend a hand to table-turning or any other fashionable folly of the day, rarely dances, has an inveterate habit of never parting with his hat, and is in- valuable in taking an elderly lady down to dinner. HOMEOPATHY. A COCKNEY, who is still at large, desires to know “What is the meaning of the motto of the Homøopathists. Similia similibus curantur ?" The Cockney, in default of other response, makes answer to himself-.“ Any man (Hahnemann) may cure any man !" . 208 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. PLATITUDES. By our Old Codger. The French Republic is always represented with a Phrygian head-dress. The fittest ornament for it, I think, would be a “ Mob-cap.” I do abominate all parrots, perroquets, and cockatoos, and the awful noises they make. I am sure they are only tolerated by ladies, because they are such “delicious crea- tures” (screechers). It is very curious that men never know they have gray hairs. The discovery is always made for them by other people. There is no peacemaker in the world like a good dinner. We do not dislike men so much who are ruining them. selves—it is only when they are ruined. France should be painted, like Fortune, standing on a wheel—for she seems to have quite a turn for revolutions. If you wish to hear all your faults freely canvassed, have your portrait taken, and invite your friends to come and keep you company. The best part of a public dinner is that there are no children after dessert. HEMP TO ITS BEST USE.—Those who think that it is better to teach people not to commit crime than to hang them for committing it, will probably find encouragement in a fact of which paper-manufacturers have been reminded by the present scarcity of rags, namely, that whatever ma- terial can be used for the making of rope, can be used for the making of paper. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 209 A TRAGEDY IN LONDON LIFE. SCENE:-A handsome Mansion in a Fashionable Square. Stranger in Black. I believe, sir, you are a medical man, and the proprietor of a certain “Pierian Spring,” advertised under the title of the “ Eau de Jouvence," at 5s. the bottle ? Medical Man. I am, sir. Stranger in Black. That Water is reputed to be drawn from the classic “ Fountain of Youth,” of which you alone, sir, possess the key, and professes, if I am to believe this document (reads prospectus), “to remove freckles, elongate the eyelashes, brighten the pupil of the eye, give a filbert shape to the nails, eradicate corns, mollify the skin," and, besides curing all mortal complaints, from chil- blains down to cholera; guarantees likewise, if I am not wrong, to “ lengthen the span of human existence to an in- calculable extent, such as the Patriarchs never dreamt of ?" Medical Man. It does, sir. Stranger in Black. Then, sir, allow me to say I am an Undertaker. Here is my card, sir—"Mr. CAPET MOR- TUAM”-and I have come to say, sir, that I shall be most happy to allow you a commission of 35 per cent., sir-I live close by—upon all the business you may send me. [Whether the Undertaker was kicked out, or whether an agreement was then and there entered into between him and the Doctor, is best known to the Registrar of Deaths for that particular district. 14 210 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. TRANSPARENCIES. When the mother of a large family of grown-up daugh- ters pays a great deal of court to a rich young man, who is not yet blest with a wife, her conduct becomes so ridicu- lously Transparent that all her female friends openly laugh åt her for it. When a Candidate plays with the children of an Elector, and stuffs them with oranges and sugar-plums, and pays compliments to the wife, and begs to hold the baby whilst “ she gets her good man's dinner ready,” it does not require the sight of a lynx, or a conjuror, to see through a miserable Transparency like that. When a friend drops in after dinner, and brings a bag of filberts with him, the Transparency assumes imme- diately the rich glow of a bottle of wine. When a medical man is called out of church regularly every Sunday, he must flatter himself exceedingly if he fancies no one sees through a trick so excessively Trans- parent as that. When a proud, extravagant family breaks up its estab- lishment in town and country, sells off every thing it has, and goes to live on the Continent for the purpose of “gir. ing the children the best Continental education," we doubt if there are many persons, even of the most benevolent turn of mind, who give much faith to a story so Transparent. When Government talks year after year of the “public accounts being framed with the strictest regard to econo- my,” we wonder how many persons are taken in by the Transparency? PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 211 When a young swell puts down his horses, and volun- tarily gives up his dog-cart, because he “has been ordered to take exercise,” the only effect such a Transparency can have on the eyes and minds of his friends is to make them exchange looks of comical incredulity, and smile. . When a servant wishes for a holiday “to go and see her mother” on Easter Monday, or a clerk asks for “ a day's leave, if convenient, for the purpose of visiting his aunt in the country who is very poorly," on the Derby Day, though the requests in both instances may be acceded to, still we suspect that the masters, in granting them, kindly shut their eyes to the extreme Transparency of the excuse. TALE OF THE DOG-DAYS. “It is not perhaps generally known ”-as the penny-a- liners say, when they are about to furnish a shilling's worth of the very stalest news—that there exists in Lon- don a regular body of professional dog-stealers. The members of the fraternity are understood to keep a Secre- tary to conduct their correspondence, as well as a large tanning establishment, to prepare for the leather market the hides of such animals as are not ransomed by their owners. The dog-stealers recently took a savage way to work on the fears of an old lady whose pet had fallen into the hands of “the trade," and who had shown some reluc- tance to lay down the sum of eight pounds, which had been demanded as the price for the restoration of the favorite. The owner of the delicate animal received one morning by post the tips of her dog's ears, with an intimation that PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 213 Small talk is the chaff that leads a young lady from Flat to Flat, in the same way that a horse is led across the stage by a sieve of fictitious oats. Perseverance is failing nineteen times and succeeding the twentieth--but when you do succeed, good gracious me! how the applause does come down ! The Stage has two sides, like its “ banners ”—the one brilliant, and the other dull,--and the public judges of it by seeing only the brilliant side. I have observed many tumbles through life, but I have invariably noticed that it is the man who mounts the high horse, that receives the least pity when he falls. Genius, like the mantle of GRIMALDI, is claimed by every fool, but possessed by scarcely one ! The only Ring in which the whip should not be used is the wedding-ring; whenever it is used, you may put it down as a badly managed circle, that is a disgrace to the Ring! Life may be compared to one of the golden goblets that flash at our banquets upon the stage; it looks very splendid, and you fancy it is full of the most intoxicating draughts; but put it to your lips, and you will find there is nothing in it !—nothing but hollowness, mockery, and disappointment !!! NOT TO BE FATHOMED.—There are secrets, like springs, that lie too deep for boring—and a woman's age is one of them. THE CLOAK OF RELIGION.It is to be known sometimes by the fine nap it has during sermon time. 214 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. THE CHEMISTRY OF COMMON DOMESTIC LIFE (By a Strong-Minded Woman-rith a strong Chemical Turn.) The subjects to be treated in this interesting series, and into which will be thrown the experience of a long married life, will be- No. 1.-The Air we breathe, and why our dear children (bless them!) always require a change of it at a certain period of the year. No. 2.- The Cold Meat we eat, and why it generally produces ill humor when there is no pudding after it. No. 3.-The Joints we cook at home, and the Joints that are cooked for us in a lodging-house, and how the latter invariably lose so much more in the cooking No. 4.-The Pancakes we fry and the wonderful Pud. dings we contrive, whenever there is a doubt whether there will be sufficient for dinner. No. 5.--The Pot-Luck that our husbands will persist in bringing their friends home to partake of, and the various Stews and Broils that always come out of it. No. 6.—The Luncheons we enjoy when alone, and the Dinners we cannot touch when there is company. No. 7.—The Sherry we drink ourselves, and the Marsala we give to our friends at an evening party. No. 8.--The Sweets we give our children, and the Bit- PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 215 ters we receive from our husbands for so doing, on the absurd plea that it makes the poor little dears ill. No. 9.—The Soil we cultivate in our conservatories and out in our balconies, and the Flowers (hyacinths particularly) we rear on our mantelpiece. No. 10.—The Beverages we infuse after an oyster supper, and the Slops we imbibe when we have a cold. No. 11.—The Odors (including musk and patchouli) we love best, and the Smells we dislike most, espe- cially that filthy tobacco-smoke. No. 12.—The Pets we cherish, and the real causes of the illnesses that are generally attributed to our over-feeding them. No. 13.—The Quarrels we ferment and the Storms we brew, whenever poor mother comes to make a short stay in the house. " No. 14.—The Table-Beer we give our servants, and an analysis of the strange rapidity with which it is drunk, though the ungrateful creatures are always complaining of it. No. 15.—The Tea and Sugar we allow the Cook and Housemaid, and the extraordinary preference they have for that which is used in the parlor. No. 16.What we Breathe, and whom we Breathe for, and the great benefit there is in Stays, by their enabling us to breathe so much better, and how a heated room generally improves the Respira- tion and Ventilation. 216 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. No. 17.-The Body we love and nourish and take care of, with an exposure of the absurd fallacy that thin shoes, low dresses, and scanty clothing are in the least injurious to health. A DEVOURING FLAME. THREE removes, it is said, are as bad as a fire; but a fire is not so bad as an extravagant woman, by many re- moves. The one simply burns you out of house, but the other, if she is your wife, burns you out of both house and home; and then again, you may put out the former, but, as long as you have a place to live in, vou have no chance of putting out the latter. LADIES can, we know, sometimes go to very great lengths in dress; but the gown has lately got to such a pitch, and so much latitude is taken in the way of longi. tude, that there is no knowing where it will end. We have found, occasionally, very great inconvenience in our walks, by following, as excursionists, such a train as that which female fashion seems to entail on all its votaries. It says as little for the ankles as it does for the under- standings of the fair sex of the present day, that they are compelled to hide their bad feet by at least one yard of superfluous drapery. In addition to the untidy and un- sightly character of the proceeding, the dust raised is so great a nuisance, that every lady appearing in the costume of the period ought to be compelled to have a page in at- tendance, with a watering-pot, wherever she goes. PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 217 SURLY SENTIMENTS. (By a Professed Old Grumbler.) VANITY never died yet of a surfeit. A Parent who strikes a child is like a man who strikes the water---the consequences of the blow are sure to fly up in his own face. There are fools who cannot keep a secret. Their ex. cessive greenness, like that of new wood, makes them split. Reform is an omnibus that's always “just going to start." Friends, like tumblers in frosty weather, are apt to fly at the first touch of hot water. It is with a faded beauty as with a clock-the more the face is enamelled, the more clearly do we see the pro- gress of Time. The most uncomfortable house to live in is a house full of pets, such as pet dogs, pet canaries, pet squirrels, par- rots, and cats,—but, worse than all, pet children! Cerberus must have been a box-keeper, originally, at a theatre. There is no one so long-lived as your delicate fine lady, who is always “dying." I have generally found that a “little party” with a “ little music," and a “ little singing," with a "little vingt- et-un ” after that, followed by a “little supper,” and lastly a "little grog” just before going home, carry one up to five or six o'clock in the morning, and invariably end in a little headache the next day. 218 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. No Woman drinks Beer of her own accord,--she is always “ ordered” to drink it ! Experience is a Pocket-compass that a Fool never thinks of consulting until he has lost his way. An Ugly Baby is an impossibility. When a Man has the Headache, and says " it's the salmon," you may safely conclude that he has been “ drink. ing like a fish.” The moment Friendship becomes a Tax, it's singular, at every fresh call it makes, how very few persons it finds at home! LIFE A LIBRARY. LIFE is a Library, composed of several volumes. With some, these volumes are richly gilt; with others, quite plain. Of its several volumes, the first is a Child's Book, full of pretty pictures; the second is a School-Book, blotted, inked, and dog's-eared; the next is a Thrilling Romance, full of love, hope, ruin, and despair, winding up with a marriage with the most beautiful heroine that ever was; then, there is the Housekeeping-Book, with the butchers' and bakers’ bills increasing every year; after that, come the Day-Book and Ledger, swelling out into a series of many volumes, presenting a rare fund of varied informa- tion, and gingling like a cash-box with money; these are followed up with a grave History, solemnly travelling over the events of the Past, with many wise deductions and grave warnings; and last of all, comes the Child's-Book again with its pages rather soiled, and its pictures by no means so bright as they used to be. To the above Library 220 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. UTFIT TIWIT UITO OLVED ATLIT SURAT NOLI IRWIDO OAH A POOR DELICATI OREATURE PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 221 A POOR DELICATE CREATURE! We know a poor delicate creature, who is incapable of any exertion. She lies on the sofa all day. She cannot bear the slightest noise. The blinds are always pulled down, for the sun gives her a headache. She is so weak she rarely speaks above a whisper. The servants always approach her on tiptoe, for fear of sending her into hys- terics. As a matter of course, she never moves out with- out the carriage. You would imagine her nerves were made of the finest silk—or of Venetian glass, rather-and that with the lightest movement, they would all snap. She is so sensitive, she cannot bear a breath of the air of heaven. It would certainly blow her away. The softest zephyr that ever blew from the south would irrevivably extinguish the puny flame of her flickering existence. To guard against an accident of this melancholy nature, all the windows are closed; not a door, not a ventilator is al- lowed to be open; and the tender invalid keeps her frail body continually wrapped up in the thickest plaids and shawls. Look at her, as she is reclining on that ottoman -does she not seem to be at the last gasp of exhaustion ? Would you not rather take her for a fashionable mummy just embalmed in cashmeres ? Poor, delicate creature, in pity let us leave her. . Suppose we go to Lady Gunter's ball. Do you see that beautiful girl spinning round in the waltz with that Austrian attaché—the crystallized foreigner, now opposite to you, who is such a revolving pillar of diamonds ? Yes; we see the lovely blonde if you mean her--with the bare PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 223 companion, who made her laugh, and kept continually fill. ing her glass. And after that? Why, after that she goes up stairs again, and dances more incessantly than ever. She is in- satiable for dancing. To look at her, you would think a Tarantula had bitten her, and that she couldn't keep still for the fraction of a minute. The wonder is how one pair of satin shoes lasts her through the same evening. You would imagine with her rapidity-and it is as much as your eyes can do to follow her—that she would wear out half a dozen pairs at least. And how long does she keep it up? Why, as long as she can—till four or five o'clock in the morning--till the wax candles begin to droop—till the musicians have nearly played themselves fast asleep until she hasn't a partner left to dance with—and then, loth to leave, she goes unwillingly home to begin the same dance the following evening. How often does this occur ? Why, four, or five, and sometimes six times a week; and frequently there are two or three balls on the same even- ing, and she goes to every one of them, and this, mind you, after she has been to a concert, or a matinée, or a pic-nic, perhaps, in the day-time. What, only think of the exer- cise! Well, that is something, to be sure; and if the cal- culation could be made, it is probable it would be ascer- tained, by the most generous cabman's measure, that that young lady does not dance less than twenty miles in the course of an evening—and that is only allowing at the rate of four miles an hour, which you will acknowledge is absurdly moderate for human waltzing. Multiply this by 6, and you will have a sum total of 120 miles danced by 224 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. a young lady in the period of one week! And this, recol- lect, is independent of fêtes, fancy fairs, flower shows, and other amusements that demand some degree of exercise during the day. And now, do you know who this young lady is who dances her 120 miles a week? Who it is that goes through an amount of labor only to be equalled by the poor fellows who walk their thousand miles in their thousand hours? You will never guess, and so I do not mind telling you. She is the same young lady whom we saw stretched out at full length on the sofa, who looked so weak that she would have fainted if any one had asked her to walk across the street; who was so nervous that she could not bear the slightest noise, or endure the smallest key-hole of fresh air; who was so woe-begone that she could not talk, laugh, nor open her eyes, nor touch a single thing; so helpless that she could not have moved off her couch by herself, not even if the house had been in flames; who looked, in fact, such a lackadaisical bundle of shawls and prostration, that you must have doubted in your own mind whether she could ever stand upright again on her two legs. Yes, sir, that young lady, whose prowess you have been wondering at this evening, is that same Poor Delicate Creature; and allow me to say, sir (concluded the Doctor, as he gave us a cigar to walk home with), that in the way of fatigue there are very few men—I was nearly saying, prize-fighters—who can stand half so much as your Poor DELICATE CREATURE ! THE ART OF CONVERSATION.—You convince a man- you persuade a woman. 218 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. No Woman drinks Beer of her own accord, -she is always “ ordered” to drink it ! Experience is a Pocket-compass that a Fool never thinks of consulting until he has lost his way. An Ugly Baby is an impossibility. When a Man has the Headache, and says “it's the salmon," you may safely conclude that he has been “ drink. ing like a fish.” The moment Friendship becomes a Tax, it's singular, at every fresh call it makes, how very few persons it finds at home! LIFE A LIBRARY. LIFE is a Library, composed of several volumes. With some, these volumes are richly gilt; with others, quite plain. Of its several volumes, the first is a Child's Book, full of pretty pictures; the second is a School-Book, blotted, inked, and dog's-eared; the next is a Thrilling Romance, full of love, hope, ruin, and despair, winding up with a marriage with the most beautiful heroine that ever was; then, there is the Housekeeping-Book, with the butchers' and bakers' bills increasing every year; after that, come the Day-Book and Ledger, swelling out into a series of many volumes, presenting a rare fund of varied informa- tion, and gingling like a cash-box with money; these are followed up with a grave History, solemnly travelling over the events of the Past, with many wise deductions and grave warnings ; and last of all, comes the Child's-Book again with its pages rather soiled, and its pictures by no means so bright as they used to be. To the above Library PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 219 is sometimes added the Banker's-Book, thick with gold, but it is a very scarce work, and only to be met with in the richest collections. THE PHILOSOPHER AND THE FLY. STUPID silly little Fly, o As upon the wall you walk, Let us have some quiet talk. Who are you ? and What am I? What is man, and what are flies ? It perchance would be as well If philosophy could tell, Though the answer might surprise. Come, philosophy profound ! Fly, approach! in converse free; Where's the fly-alas, I see : Tumbled, in the milk-jug ! drown'd. AMBITION THERE should be a measure in ambition as in all things, and particularly a boot-and-shoe-measure. For instance, in your anxiety to walk in the shoes of another person, it never does to throw away your own boots before you have got your toes comfortably stowed in the shoes of the for- mer. By neglecting this very common precaution, many an ambitious man has to trudge over the sharp stones of the world barefooted, and dies a beggar! 220 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. WI en SUNNAN VINNUNU LUE TURT MERIT NUDI INTUIT JIMUI DED CHUUPE A Poos DELICATE CREATURE 222 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. arms and naked shoulders—a costume which, by courtesy, is called full dress. What a rate she is going at ! Pre- cisely; the Times' steam engine is in quickness a slow coach compared to her! She makes more revolutions in one minute than the French have made in all their lives; and, if you notice, she shows no symptoms of fatigue. She will keep up that same speed for hours, and the mo- ment she ceases she is ready to begin again. She is inde- fatigable; no wheel in a cotton factory could spin round quicker, or work for so many hours with less apparent fa- tigue. But she is going out on the balcony: why, she will catch her death of cold! No; she is accustomed to it. A sailor walking the deck wouldn't trouble himself less about colds than she does. All atmospheres are the same to her. She is no fragile hothouse plant, but a hardy annual that will bloom anywhere—up the chimney, if you please, or down in the cellar, or by the side of the kitchen fire, or at the bottom of the well--the small question of temperature doesn't make much difference to a constitution so well seasoned as hers. But does she take no nourish- ment to keep up this extraordinary fatigue ? Yes : ices- plenty of ices and biscuits—varied occasionally with a jelly, and perhaps, late in the evening, the tiniest wing of a chicken with a little lobster sauce, or a plover's egg, or a bit of blancmange, the whole of it washed down with not more than half a glass of champagne. But I have seen her eat a very good supper-a supper worthy of a guards- man in love—but it has been very late, when there were very few persons in the room, and she has had a pleasant PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 225 PEOPLE I SHOULD LIKE TO MEET. The Maiden Aunt who does not take in tracts, nor confine herself (and guests) to cold meat on a Sunday, who has no objection to the smell of a cigar, and can even bear the sight of a snuff-box without fainting; who only keeps one cat, and if she have a lap-dog, will not suffor either to monopolize the sofa ; who has a soul above anti- macassars, and although she keeps her house perpetually clean, does not keep her servants in perpetual hot water, nor pretend to be in hysterics if you stand upon the hearth- rug: who wears her own hair even though it be gray, and never so forgets herself as to appear in mittens: who can even invite a gentleman to dinner, and abstain from mak- ing him ill with wines of her home-manufacture after it; who, above all, is not given to missionaries, and though charitable to a fault, the fault is not that of pestering her acquaintance for donations, nor keeping, a “Savings-bank” for some pet piety upon her mantel-piece, and being quite put out if you omit to put into it. Such a Maiden Aunt is a relative worth having, and if I were an old bachelor I should make a point of calling on her. The Cabman who dose not smell of beer, and whose cab you can enter without finding a short pipe in it; who can receive a sixpence without opening the safety-valve of an oath, or challenging the donor to a pugilistic single combat; who, if he adopts a circuitous route, can at least invent a reasonable pretext for it, or at any rate abstain from adding insult to injury by giving vent to the plagiary that “ the streets is hup; " whose estimates of distance are, 15 226 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. in some cases at all events, restrained within the limits of possible belief. The Amateur Artist who shaves every day, and never · passes a month without a visit to his hair-cutter; who does not think it derogatory to keep his nails clean, nor fancy he'll lose character by paying his tailor ; who can conde- scend even to wear an actual bat, and does not dress him- self for a studio as though it were a masquerade, or a farce at the Adelphi; who can talk of a picture without artis tically criticising it, and puzzling his friends about “ middle lights” and “ distances,” and “fetching up the tone; " who can abstain from raptures when a Pre-Rapb- aelite is mentioned, and can equally command himself in the presence of an “old master ;” who can hire a pretty maid-servant and not make a “study" of her, and can even form the acquaintance of a man with a Roman nose, without insisting on his sitting as a model Virginius; that Amateur I should not object to meet, which is more than I can say of most in his position. IS MAN A FREE AGENT? WRITING as I do, hastily with my bonnet on, I have no idea of entering into such a metaphysical inquiry, as with reference either to my subject or my reader, will be pro- ductive of exhaustion. My present object is merely to discuss man's free agency in connection with his greatest tentporal blessing—the married state. Man is by nature timid, and prone to solitude. Prompt- ed by his normal impulses, he hides himself in dens and PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 227 caves, from whence he is drawn forth by the gentle voice of woman. She pats him softly on the cheek—she puts a pair of French clogs in his hand; and docile as Una's lion, she makes him fetch and carry at her own sweet will. To win her approving smile, he defies danger-ascending mountains (Mont Blanc for example) at a vast expense- performing on the corde élastique, or running on a rolling tub-making heroic speeches in Parliament, and dying on the floor of the house, like a country actor, with immense applause. Such is Man—a being singularly dependent, and whose inability to repair his own hose must ever excite our live- liest commiseration. This for Preface. “Is man a free Agent?” That, as Hamlet says, is the question; and to show how serious a question it is, permit me to relate, as Mrs. Inchbald did, a 'simple story.”. Last summer, accompanied by papa, and taking advan- tage of the Midsummer vacation in our establishment for Young Ladies at Tooting, I embarked on board a boat- the Little Western—for Ramsgate. There were many gentlemen passengers, but one particularly arrested my attention. He was a tall well made commercial-traveller- looking man, with blue eyes and sandy whiskers : and as he sat next to me, we naturally entered into conversation. Amongst other literary celebrities he mentioned Pope, and as the proper study of mankind is man, he recom mended all ladies to learn it by heart. From Pope we passed, by an easy transition, to Puseyism and the Rev. Mr. Kittens, under whom he was gratified to find that my- 228 PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. self and papa had sat for some years. With reference to matters of fashion, his opinions were strictly orthodox, and, like all men of enlarged ideas, he admired long dresses; and as to small bonnets, he confessed that he pitied those short-sighted persons who cannot see much in them. One thing certainly did surprise me, his intimate, nay, profound acquaintance with the most intricate details of fashionable millinery. How he had mastered what to most men, even of powerful intellect, are insurmountable difficulties, I could only understand, by presuming that he lived with his accomplished sister. I was just about giving utterance to the suggestion, when my parasol was snatched away by some invisible Ariel, and descending upon the sun-lit waves, which leaped with responsive joy at our laughter, was soon, as Byron says, “ far, far at sea !” Penetrated with sympathy for my loss, my kind and gene- rous neighbor, with polite pleasantry, hastened to repair it, and as he handed me, for this purpose, his unfurled alpaca umbrella, he softly squeezed (or I fancied so) not only my little finger, but its companion of my left hand, where, had I worn a ring, of course he must have felt it. Up to this moment my impression had been that he was a bachelor, or free agent; that is, frec to pay delicate attentions when and where he might think proper; and sheltered by his alpaca umbrella, which he gracefully held over me, I looked upon him with mingled gratitude and respect. Judge then of my more than astonishment when, on arriv. ing at Ramsgate Pier, he stepped ashore, and three fat children, rudely embracing his legs, saluted him by the ridiculous name of_Papa ! PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK, OF FUN. 229 This is only a solitary instance of the misunderstand- ings which persons like myself are apt to fall into, from there being no certain means of distinguishing whether a Man is or is not a Free Agent. The only criterion at present is, that men of family are always more attentive, and often more truly gallant than those who have not arrived at that honorable distinction. But should there not be some outward and visible sign, some tangible in- signia which would ensure us from wasting our sweetness upon those, who can make us no adequate return? Sup- posing every "united Brother” was compelled by law to wear when travelling a sort of badge-say the key of the tea-caddy round his neck-a plan which could not be at- tended with any inconvenience, as no man of correct feel- ing ever thinks of taking pleasure abroad, while circum. stances necessitate his lady remaining at home. ETIQUETTE FOR EVENING PARTIES. By Our Own BRUMMELL. If you are at all an absent-minded man, it is prudent not to venture to a party in rubbers. Possibly you might forget to take them off, and so be entering the room upon a questionable footing. In dressing for an evening party, always bear in mind the maxim, “ Ease before elegance.” Many a good waltzer has been forced into a wallflower through the tortures of having a new pair of boots on. If you have strength of mind you will avoid such a fate, even at the cost of appear- ing in your bluchers. Recollect, black trousers are not indispensables. The authorities at the Opera, who are the PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 231 posal being negatived, you had better strike up at once the first thing that occurs to you—say Bobbin' Around or the Ratcatcher's Daughter, either of which would be nicely appropriate to the occasion. Recollect, punctuality is the soul of evening parties. Be careful therefore always to arrive to a moment at the time you are invited for. If the hour be not specified, as is occasionally the case, it is considered good breeding to call the day before and make inquiry of the servant. Your conduct in the supper-room must depend an cir- cumstances. If it be a half-stand-up affair, ladies' business first and gentlemen's pleasure afterwards, you will be ex. pected during the first part to do duty of course as an amateur waiter; when, unless you practise well before- hand, you will no doubt contrive to cover yourself with jelly and confusion. But if the repast be a sit-down-all- together one, you may eat and drink in comfort, if you only take care not to have a lady next you: otherwise of course you'll have to minister to her wants instead of satisfying your own. In taking your departure, don't forget to make an offer of your thanks for the pleasant evening you have spent : and if you then proceed to shake hands all round with such of the guests as may remain, you will do much to confirm the favorable impression which your previous be- havior will doubtless have produced. In fact, if you act strictly in accordance with the advice that we have given, you will soon be esteemed quite an acquisition to society; and in short, to use the language of the advertisers, no evening party will be thought complete without you. PIJNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 233 planet. “For ages of ages, on this turbulent world, hast thou shone down, tranquil and serene as now. And thou wilt still shine on, in thine unchangeable calmness, on hopes as yet unformed, on griefs unfelt, on unimagined fears. Thou, ob moon, that smilest on the quiet graves, thou wilt one day smile as peacefully on us, when we are laid in earth, and all our cares forgotten! Is it not so ?” "Oh, yes ! ” answered Isabel, with emotion. The youth heaved a long-drawn sigh. “This is a strange meeting,” he observed, after a pause. “A few minutes more, and we part—perchance for ever In the meanwhile, might I entreat a trifling favor, which would render me supremely happy ? " “Really, sir, I—that is-pray, excuse—I could not, indeed !” stammered Isabel, blushing with an intensity actually visible in the moonlight. “Suffer me to imprint but one kiss "—the maiden shrank back " on that delicate hand," said the stranger. “This is indeed a strange request,” she replied. "It is perhaps romantic. But of late years," he con- tinued, “I have resided in Germany, where the boon which I now venture to crave would be esteemed a life- long happiness. Would you deny so rich a blessing, granted so easily ? ' “ To my preserver ?—that were indeed ungrateful,” Isa bel answered. And divesting her little hand of its neat kid glove, she presented it to the stranger, who, kneeling, respectfully raised it to his lips ! At this moment a wild cry for help proceeded from & coppice not far distant. The stranger started to his feet, PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK OF FUN. 235 LESSONS FOR OLD AND YOUNG. THESE Lessons in words of one and two syllables are intended to be read by children to adults, on a system of mutual instruction by which both parties may teach and learn at the same time. THE TIP-SY MAN, Look at that Man. He can-not walk straight. See how he rolls and tum-bles a-bout. He can-not speak plain. Why can he not speak plain, and why does he tum-ble and roll a-bout ? He has been drink.ing. I think he has had too much bran-dy and wa-ter. He is a tip- sy man. His head will ache to-morrow. How silly of him to drink too much bran-dy and wa-ter, and make his head ache! Pa-pa ne-ver drinks too much bran-dy and water. What a good Pa-pa ! THE DRA-PER'S BHOP. That is a dra-per's shop. There is a la-dy. She is buy-ing a dress. Where is her hus-band ? He is at work. He does not know that she is buy-ing a dress. She has more dres-ses than she wants. Her hus-band will have to pay for her new dress. He can-not af-ford the mo-ney. It is ve-ry wrong of her to buy a dress that she does not want, when he can-not af-ford to pay for it. Mam-ma ne-ver serves Pa-pa so ; does she, dear Mam-ma ? THE CI-GAR. Oh! what a nas-ty smell! Where does it come from? It comes from that man's ci-gar. He is smok-ing. Dir. -- -- - ----- -- M . THE BORROWER WILL BE CHARGED AN OVERDUE FEE IF THIS BOOK IS NOT RETURNED TO THE LIBRARY ON OR BEFORE THE LAST DATE STAMPED BELOW. NON-RECEIPT OF OVERDUE NOTICES DOES NOT EXEMPT THE BORROWER FROM OVERDUE FEES. 037799 JANMAR LO 1986 349661 0 1 ng CANCELLEU 2016496 PI THE Os, COMPLE UAL FOR THE UNITED STATES. With 23 Illus auons of the principal Angle Fish America and npwards of 70 Illustrations on Steel, Stone und W