AN IRIDESCENT DREAM
BY JOHN KENDRICK BANGS








ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND


CONTENTS
CHAPTER
I. Off to Blunderland . . . .
II. The Immovable Trolley . .
III. The Aromatic Gas Plant. . .
IV. The City-owned Police . . .
V. The Municipaphone . . .
VI. The Department of Public Verse :
VII. The Municipal Ownership of Children
PAGE
3
19
37
56
73
92
108





ILLUSTRATIONS
PAGE
The Cheshire Cat
The March Hare
“Listen here'".
The municipal chewery
The municipal toothery .
“Handing her a card” . .
“ • Put that fellow off'” . . . .
“Requested the Hatter to crack a filbert
for him” . . . . . .
“'Banged into the car ahead” ,. .
The Chief Engineer . . . . .
“ •It came to me like a flash!” . .
“Studying the economic theories of Dr.
Wack'” . . . . . .
“The White Knight interfered" . . 48
“In the matter of perfume it was fine'". 50
“Nobody could be gas-fixturated'” ... 51
vii


ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
PAGE
“Wrote on the side of a convenient gas
tank” . . . . . .
" "I'm the soundest sleeper in town'" .
“ Tea is served on every corner'". .
"We respond immediately to the call'”
“Made off with the agility of an antelope" 69
“You can talk all you please'" . .
“. Fined five dollars '” . . . .
“The dictionary we are compiling'” .
“Alice transfixed at the phone" . .
“The biggest jackass from Dan to Beer-
sheba'". .
. . .
“ 'Larger measure than was the custom'”
“Greeted by the Commissioner, the Haber-
dasher" . . . . . .
“ 'It runs this way, your honour'” . 100
“Our thinking department'". . . 102
“When they think nobody's looking'". 116
"If you get into trouble, use this'”. 119
“Seizing her by the arm” . . .
“Why-have I-I really fallen?'" .. 124
I 22
viij


CHAPTER I
OFF TO BLUNDERLAND
TT WAS one of those dull, drab, de-
1 pressing days when somehow or
other it seemed as if there wasn't any-
thing anywhere for anybody to do. It
was raining outdoors, so that Alice could
not amuse herself in the garden, or call
upon her friend Little Lord Fauntleroy
up the street; and downstairs her mother
was giving a Bridge Party for the benefit
of the M. O. Hot Tamale Company, which
had lately fallen upon evil days. Alice's
mother was a very charitably disposed
person, and while she loathed gambling
in all its forms, was nevertheless willing
for the sake of a good cause to forego her
principles on alternate Thursdays, but
she was very particular that her little
daughter should be kept aloof from
3


4
ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
contaminating influences, so that Alice
found herself locked in the nursery and,
as I have already intimated, with nothing
to do. She had read all her books—The
House of Mirth, the novels of Hall Caine
and Marie Corelli —the operation for
appendicitis upon her dollie, while very
successful indeed, had left poor Flaxilocks
without a scrap of sawdust in her veins,
and therefore unable to play; and worst
of all, her pet kitten, under the new city
law making all felines public property,
had grown into a regular cat and appeared
only at mealtimes, and then in so dis-
reputable a condition that he was not
thought to be fit company for a child of
seven.
“Oh dear!” cried Alice impatiently,
as she sat rocking in her chair, listening
to the pattering of the rain upon the roof
of the veranda. “I do wish there was
something to do, or somebody to do, or
somewhere to go. The Gov'ment ought
to provide covered playgrounds for
1.


OFF TO BLUNDERLAND
5
children on wet days. It wouldn't cost
much to put a glass cover on the Park!”
“A very good idea! I'll make a note
of that,” said a squeaky little voice at
her side.
Alice sprang to her feet in surprise.
She had supposed she was alone, and for
a moment she was frightened, but a
glance around reassured her, for strange
to say, seated on the radiator warming
his toes was her old
friend the Hatter, the
queer old chap she had
met in her marvellous
hop
trip through Wonder-
land, and with him was
the March Hare, the
Cheshire Cat, and the White Knight from
Looking Glass Land.
“Why—you dear old things!” she
cried. “You here?”
“I don't know about these others,
but I'm here," returned the Hatter.
“The others seem to be here, but I

THE CHESHIRE CAT


6
ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
respectfully decline to take my solemn
daffydavy on the subject, because my
doctor says I'm all the time seeing things
that ain't. Besides I don't believe in
swearing."
“We're here all right," put in the
March Hare. “I know because we ain't
anywhere else, and
when you ain't any-
where else you can
make up your mind
that you're here."
“Well, I'm awfully
glad to see you," said
Alice. “I've been so
lonesome "
“We know that,"
said the White Knight. “We've been
studying your case lately and we thought
we'd come down and see what we could
do for you. The fact is the Hatter here
has founded a model city, where every-
thing goes just right, and we came to ask
you to pay us a call.”
THE MARCH HARE


OFF TO BLUNDERLAND II
HA
siyle
0-1
MUNICIPAL
CHEWER
tame as a fly or any other highly domes-
ticated animal.”
“But how?” asked Alice. “You
aren't going to
do this yourself,
are you? Single
handed and
alone?”
“Yes," said
the Hatter.
“The March Hare
and the White
Knight and I.
We've started
a city to do it
with. We've
sprinkled our
streets with
Rough on Copperations until there isn't
one left in the place. Everything in town
belongs to the People—street cars, gut-
ters, pavements, theatres, electric light,
cabs, manicures, dogs, cats, canary birds,
hotels, barber shops, candy stores, hats,

RAW PRODUCT
000000
ecc.
Wurzorgd
MASTICATED
PRODUCT
FOR
YOUNG
LH
se
LOLD
WASTE
THE MUNICIPAL CHEWERY


12 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
umbrellas, bakeries, cakeries, steakeries,
shops, you can't think of a thing
that the city don't own. No more
private ownership of anything from
a toothbrush to a yacht, and the result
is we are all happy.”
“It sounds fine," said Alice.
“Though I think I should rather own my
own toothbrush."
“You naturally would under the old
system,” assented the Hatter. “Under
a system of private ownership owning
your own teeth you'd prefer to own your
own toothbrush, but our Council has just
passed a law making teeth public prop-
erty. You see we found that some people
had teeth and other people hadn't, which is
hardly a fair condition under a Repub-
lican form of Government. It gave one
class of citizens a distinct advantage over
other people and the Declaration of
Independence demands absolute equality
for all. One man owning his own teeth
could eat all the hickory nuts he wanted


16 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
cent. bond costing two cents to print.
When he cracks a hickory nut for the
public, the man he cracks it for pays him
a cent. He rings this up on a cash
register he carries pinned to his vest, and
at the end of every week turns in the cash
to the City Treasury. That money is
used to pay the interest on the bonds.
The scheme has the additional advantage
that it makes a man's teeth negotiable
property in the sense that whereas under
the old system he couldn't very well sell
his teeth, under the new system he can
sell the bond if he gets hard up. More-
over, the City Government having
acquired control has to pay all his
dentist's bills, supply tooth powder and
so on, which results in a great saving to
the individual. It hardly costs the city
anything, except for the Tooth Inspector,
who is paid $1,200 a year, but we can
handle that easily enough, provided the
people will use the Public Teeth in
sufficiently large numbers to bring in


CHAPTER II
THE IMMOVABLE TROLLEY
THAT an extraordinary car,” said
Alice, as she stepped into the
brilliantly lighted vehicle. “It doesn't
seem to have any end to it,” she added as
she passed down the aisle, looking for
the front platform.
“It hasn't,” said the Hatter. “It
just runs on forever.”
“Doesn't it stop anywhere?” cried
Alice in amazement.
“It stops everywhere,” said the
Hatter. “What I mean is it hasn't any
ends at all. It's just one big circular car
that runs all around the city and joins
itself where it began in the beginning.
We call it the M. O. Express, M. O.
standing for Municipal Ownership "
“And Money Owed,” laughed a
19


THE IMMOVABLE TROLLEY 2I
21
an inch, and yet at the same time it runs
all around the city. It was my idea,''
he added proudly.
“But you said it was fast,” protested
Alice.
“And so it is, my child,” said the
Hatter kindly. “It's as fast as though
it was glued down with mucilage.
There's several ways of being fast, you
know. Did you ever hear of the Ballade
of the Nancy P. D. Q.?”.
“No,” said Alice.
“It's a Sea Song in B flat," said the
Hatter. “I will sing it for you."
And placing his hat before his lips to
give a greater mellowness to his voice,
the Hatter sang:
THE BALLADE OF THE NANCY P. D. Q.
O the good ship Nancy P. D. Q.
From up in Boston, Mass.,
Went sailing o'er the bounding blue
Cargoed with apple sass.


THE IMMOVABLE TROLLEY 23
O the Skipper swore with a “Yeave-ho-ho!”
And the crew replied “Hi-hi!”
And then, with a cheerful “Heave-ho-yo,"
They pumped the bowsprit dry.
"Three cheers!” the Mate cried with a sneeze
“Hurrah for this old boat!
She sails two knots before the breeze,
But on the bar, by Jingo, she's
The fastest thing afloat!”
So up with the gallant flag, my lads,
With a hip-hip-hip-hooroo,
For the liner fast is now outclassed
By the Nancy P. D. Q.
Alice scratched her chin in perplexity,
but the Hatter never stopped.
“I got an idea from that ballad," he
rattled on. “If you want trains fast
you've got to build 'em fast.”
“Yes, but if they don't go—how does
anybody get anywhere?” asked Alice.
“They can get off and walk," said
the Hatter. “And it's a great deal less
dangerous getting off a train that doesn't
move than off one that does."


24 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
“I can see that,” said Alice. "That
weasel, for instance, would have been
badly hurt if he had been thrown through
the window of a moving car."

LEVEN
"REQUESTED THE HATTER TO CRACK A FILBERT FOR HIM"
“That's it exactly,” said the Hatter.
“As Alderman March Hare puts it, we
M. O. people are after the comfort and
safety of the people first, last and all the


THE IMMOVABLE TROLLEY 24
manners and expert motoring didn't
seem to go together, and in consequence
we had a fearful lot of collisions at first.
I don't think there was a whole back

ROUND ST
CremL ST.
IN
0
STREET
CLOSED
JONACCOUNT
OF NOT
REPAIRS
"BANGED INTO THE CAR AHEAD"
platform in the outfit at the end of the
week, no matter which way the car was
going.”
“Must have been awful,” said Alice.
“It was,” said the Hatter, “and the
public began to complain. One man who


THE IMMOVABLE TROLLEY 29
only way to prevent collisions, said he,
is to cut the ends off the cars. That was
it, wasnt it, Judge?” he added, turning
to the White Knight.
“Yes,” said the Knight, “ only I put
it in poetry. My precise words were
The only way that I can find
To stop this car colliding stunt
Is cutting off the end behind
And likewise that in front.”
“Splendid!” cried Alice, clapping her
hands in glee. “That's fine.”
“Thank you,” said the White Knight.
“You see, Miss Alice, I made a personal
study of collisions. The Mayor here
ordered a fresh one every day for me to
investigate, and I noticed that whenever
two cars bunked into each other it was
always at the ends and never in the
middle. The conclusion was inevitable.
The ends being the venerable spot, abolish
them."
"A very careful and conscientious


30 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND

public ser-
vant,” whis-
pered the
March Hare
aside to Alice.
“When we
have Munici-
pal Owner-
ship of the
Federal Gov-
ernment we're
going to put
him on the
Supreme
Court Bench. He means vulnerable when
he says venerable, but you mustn't mind
that. When we have Municipal Owner-
ship of the English Language we'll make
the words mean what we want 'em to."
“Then of course the question arose
as to how we could do this,” said the
Hatter. “I got the Chief Engineer of
our Department of Public Works to make
some experiments, and would you believe
ATEN
LOMS
"THE CHIEF ENGINEER"


THE IMMOVABLE TROLLEY 35
you established it?” asked Alice, whose
father had once run for Mayor, and who
therefore knew something about politics.
“No,” said the Hatter with an easy
laugh. “But we will have one in the
spring. We shall be reëlected all right.”
“How do you know?” asked Alice.
“If the people don't like Municipal
Ownership ”
"O, but they do,” said the Hatter.
“You see, Miss Alice, we have employed
a safe majority of the voters in the
various Departments of our M. O. sys-
tem, their terms expiring coincidentally
with our own—so if they vote against
us they vote against themselves. It
really makes Municipal Ownership self-
perpetrating.”
“He means perpetuating,” whispered
the March Hare.
“Ah,” said Alice. “I see."
Just then a heavy gong like a huge
fire alarm sounded and all the passengers
sprang to their feet and made for the doors,


CHAPTER III
THE AROMATIC GAS PLANT
AFTER the little party had descended
11 from the marvellous trolley, con-
cerning which the March Hare observed,
most properly, that under private owner-
ship nothing so safe and sane would ever
have been thought of, they walked along
a beautiful highway, bordered with rose-
bushes, oleanders and geraniums, until
they came to a lovely little park at the
entrance to which was a huge sign
announcing that within was
THE BLUNDERLAND GAS PLANT.
To tell the truth Alice had not cared
particularly to visit the Gas Works,
because she had once been driven through
what was known at home as the Gas-
House district on her way to the ferry,
37


THE AROMATIC GAS PLANT 39
consequence everything we do is con-
ceived in a spirit of courtesy. The gas-
houses under private ownership have not
been what you would call polite. They
were almost invariably heavy, rude, star-
ing structures that reared themselves
offensively in the public eye, and our first
effort was to subliminate ”
“Ee-liminate,” whispered the March
Hare.
“I beg your pardon, Mr. Hare,”
retorted the Hatter. “I did not mean
ee-liminate, which means to suppress,
but subliminate, which means to sub-
limify or make sublime. I guess I know
my own language.”
“Excuse me,” said the March Hare
meekly. “I haven't studied the M. O.
Dictionary beyond the letter Q, Mr.
Mayor, and I was not aware that the
Common Council had as yet passed
favourably upon subliminate, either,” he
added with some feeling.
“That is because it was not until


40 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
yesterday that the Copperation Council
decided that subliminate was a constitu-
tional word," said the Hatter sharply.
“In view of his report to me, which I
wrote myself and therefore know the
provisions of, he states that subliminate
is a perfectly just and proper word involv-
ing no infringement upon the rights of
others, and in no wise impairing the value
of innocent vested interests, and is there-
fore legal. Therefore, I shall use it
whether the Common Council approves
it or not. If they resolve that it is not a
good word, I shall veto the resolution.
If you don't like it I'll send you your
resignation."
"That being the case," said the March
Hare, “I withdraw my objections."
“Which,” observed the Hatter tri-
umphantly, turning to Alice, “shows you,
my dear young lady, the very great value
of the Municipal Ownership idea as
applied to the Board of Aldermen. As
the White Knight put it in one of his
I


THE AROMATIC GAS PLANT 41
poetical reports printed in Volume 347,
of the Copperation Council's Opinions
for October, 1906, page 926,
A City may not own its Gas,
Its Barber Shops, or Cars
It may not raise Asparagrass,
Or run Official Bars;
It may not own a big Hotel
Or keep a Public Hen,
But it will always find it well
To own its Aldermen.
When Aldermen were owned by private
interests the public interests suffered, but
in this town where the City Fathers be-
long to the City they have to do what
the City tells them to, or get out.”
It sounds good,” was all that Alice
could think of to say.
“What I was trying to tell you when
the Alderman interpolated—” the Hat-
ter went on.
“There he goes again!” growled the
March Hare.


THE AROMATIC GAS PLANT 43
lat
cactus plant that could be used for a sofa
cushion—why, I asked myself, could he
not develop a gas-plant that will put
forth flowers the perfume of which should
make that of the violet, and the rose,
sink into inoculated desoupitude?”.
“It hardly seems possible, does it?”
said Alice.
“To a private mind it presents in-
superable difficulties," said the Hatter,
“but to a public mind like my own
nothing is impossible. If a man can
do a seemingly impossible thing with
one plant there is no reason why he
shouldn't do a seemingly impossible thing
with another plant, so I immediately
wrote to Professor Burbank offering
him a hundred thousand dollars in Blund-
erland Deferred Debenture Gas Improve-
ment Bonds a year to come here and
see what he could do to transmogrify
our gas-plant.”
“Oh, I am so glad,” cried Alice de-
lightedly. “I should so love to meet


44 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
Mr. Burbank and thank him for inventing
the coreless apple ”.
“You don't means the Corliss Engine,
do you?” asked the White Knight.
“Well, I'm sorry," said the Hatter,
"but Mr. Burbank wouldn't come unless
we'd pay him real money, which, although
we don't publish the fact broadcast, is
not in strict accord with the highest
principles of Municipal Ownership. We
contend that when people work for the
common weal they ought to be satisfied
to receive their pay in the common wealth,
and under the M. O. system the most
common kind of wealth is represented by
Bonds. Consequently we wrote again
to Mr. Burbank, and expressed our regret
that a man of his genius should care more
for his own selfish interests than for the
public weal, and as a sort of sarcasm on
his meanness I enclosed five of our 2963
Guaranteed Extension four per cents to
pay for the two-cent stamp he had put
upon his letter.”


THE AROMATIC GAS PLANT 47
man who will find it possible must be
somebody who never knew anything
about the old way of making gas, and
nobody in the whole world knew less
about it than I. Manifestly then I
became the chosen instrument to work
the reform, so I plunged in and you really
can't imagine how easy it all turned out.
I had no old prejudices in gas-making to
overcome, no set, finicky ideas to serve as
obstacles to progress, and inside of a week
I had it. I filled the gas tanks half full
of cologne, and then pumped hot air
through them until they were chock full.
I figured it out that cologne was nothing
more than alcohol flavoured with axio-
matic oils "
“Aromatic," interrupted the March
Hare, forgetting himself for the moment.
The Hatter frowned heavily upon the
Alderman, and there is no telling what
would have happened had not the White
Knight interfered to protect the offender.
“It's still an open question, Mr.


50 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
all day, so that in the mere
matter of consumption
twice as much of my aro-
matic illuminating air was

COLOGNE
“ IN THE MATTER OF PERFUME IT WAS FINE”
used in a week as the companies had
charged for under the old system, and
we used the same metres, too. In addi-
tion to this, as a mere life-saving device,
my invention proved to have a wonderful
value. In the first place nobody could
blow it out and be found gas-fixturated
the next morning— "
“Good word that—so much more
expressive than the old privately owned


52 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
all the time in our Administration and
it is wonderful what results you can get
from it,” he went on. “But it wouldn't
light. In fact when anybody tried to
light it, such was the pressure, it blew out
the match, which I regard as an additional
point in its favour. If we have gas that
blows out matches the minute the match
is applied to it, does not that reduce the
chance of fire from the careless habit some
people have of throwing lighted matches
into the waste-basket?”
“It most certainly does,” said the
White Knight gravely, and in such tones
of finality that Alice did not venture to
dispute his assertion.
“We're all agreed upon that point,"
said the Hatter. “But there were com-
plaints of course. Some people, mostly
capitalists who were rich enough to have
libraries of their own, complained that
they couldn't read nights because the gas
wouldn't light. I replied that if they
wanted to read they could go to the


54 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
“Good!” cried Alice. “How did they
do it?”
“They passed a resolution," said the
Hatter, “unanimously declaring the aro
matic hot-air to be gas of the most
excellent quality, and made it a misde-
meanor for anybody to say that it wasn't.
I signed the ordinance and from that
minute on our gas was gas by law.”
“Still,” said Alice, “those people had
already said it wasn't. Did they back
down?”
“Most of 'em did,” laughed the
Hatter. “And the rest were fined $500
apiece and sent to jail for six months.
You see we made the law sufficiently
retroactive to grab the whole bunch.
Since then there have been no com-
plaints."
Whereupon the Hatter invited Alice
to stroll through the gas-plant with him,
which the little girl did, and declared it
later to have been sweeter than a walk
through a rose-garden, which causes me


62 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
trol of the Tax Assessors, and the Town
Toper, being elected by popular vote,
could get as leery as he pleased by public
consent. Life Insurance Agents became
likewise Public Servants under the Gen-
eral Ordinance of 1905 starting the Civic
Tontine Parlours where people were com-
pelled to buy Life Insurance from the
City itself at so much a yard.”
“A yard?” cried Alice.
“Yep,” yawned the Dormouse. “Pol-
icies were issued anywhere from three
inches to a yard long, each inch represent-
ing a year. If you bought a mile of Life
Insurance you were insured for as many
years as there are inches in a mile. I never
could stay awake long enough to figure
out how much that is, but it's several
years."
“But what did the Agents have to
do?” asked Alice. “If people had to
take it- "
“They went out and grabbed delin-
quents,” said the Dormouse,


THE CITY-OWNED POLICE 63
“I shouldn't think people would need
life insurance for the benefit of their fam-
ilies if everybody has everything he wants
in Blunderland," put in Alice.
“They don't,” said the Dormouse,
rapping his head with his club to keep
from dropping off to sleep. “It ain't
for the benefit of their families—it's for
the benefit of the City. A City like this
can use benefits to great advantages most
all the time. But you see the results
of Municipalising all sorts of crime from
straight burglary up to life insurance
resulted in the Police having nothing
to do. There wasn't anybody to arrest,
or to quell, or to club, and so they turned
us into a social organisation and that's
where Tea Drinking comes in strong.
Every afternoon at five o'clock, tea is
served on every corner in Blunderland
by the Policeman on beat. They have
become quite a public function, but
they're a trifle hard on the police who
don't care for tea, because we have to be


THE CITY-OWNED POLICE 67
with him until he is quiet again. Once
last winter a chap with three pairs of
twins six months, a year and a half, and
three years old respectively, had to send
for the patrol wagon. All six of 'em

“WE RESPOND IMMEDIATELY TO THE CALL"
waked up and began to squall at once
and we sent seven ossifers and a sergeant
up to look after them. They had to
parade around that house from 2 A. M.
until seven-thirty before those babies
quit yelling."
Just at this moment the Dormouse


68 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
de
was interrupted in his story by a raggedly
dressed old man on a pair of crutches
who begged an alms of him.
“Only a dollar, sir,” he asked pite-
ously. “Only a dollar to relieve a
terrible case of distress.”
“Certainly, Simpkins," said the Dor-
mouse kindly. “I—well I'll be jig-
gered—” he added, feeling through his
pockets. “I must have left my money
at home. Maybe this young lady can
help you out. Miss Alice, permit me
to introduce you to Simpkins. He's the
most successful beggar in nineteen
counties.”
“Glad to meet you,” said Alice,
shaking hands with Simpkins.
“You couldn't spare a dollar, could
you, Miss?” whined the Beggar. "It
will relieve a terrible case of distress
Ma'am.”
“Why—yes,” said Alice, suddenly
remembering that she had a silver dollar
in her pocket. “Here it is."


74 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
“Which,” said he proudly, “I consider
to be the most Democraticising thing I
have ever invented. You can talk all
you please about Universal Brotherhood,
Unlimited Sisterhood, and the Infinity of
Unclehood, but all of these movements
put together haven't done as much to
promote the equality of everybody as
that Municipaphone idea of mine."
Alice thought the Cheshire Cat's grin
expanded slightly as the Hatter spoke,
but she was not sure, although he most
assuredly did wink at her.
“I should admire to see it,” she said.
“What is it, just?”.
“It is the result of the Municipal
Ownership of the Telephone,” returned
the Hatter proudly. “We have taken
over everything that works by electricity
-electric lighting, the telegraph, the
telephone "
“Even the thunder and lightning,”
interrupted the White Knight. “And
under our management everything runs


THE MUNICIPAPHONE
75
so smoothly that even the lightning
doesn't strike any more. That's a great
thing in Municipal Ownership. There
aren't any more strikes under it.”
“What he says is true, my child,"
said the Hatter, “and in time we expect
to get the thunder itself under control so
that it will serve some useful purpose—I
don't know yet exactly what, but I am
having experiments made in storage
batteries which will catch and hold the
thunder with the idea of saving the noise
it makes for fire-crackers, or Presidential
salutes, or other things and occasions
where the fracturing of silence seems
desirable. Surely if we can take elec-
tricity and under suitable Municipal
supervision make it serve as a substitute
for a tallow dip, why shouldn't we extract
the reverberance with which it is fraught
to add to the general clangour of joyous
occasions?”
“No reason at all,” said Alice. “I
wonder no one has ever thought of that


THE MUNICIPAPHONE
83
the question, but for the mere fact that
theer-wash-lady dared ring her up
at all.”
"Exactly,” said the Hatter, with a
bland smile of satisfaction. “This Muni-
cipaphone controlled by strict rules which
people must obey is a great social leveller.”
“But why did Central want my name
and address?” asked Alice.
"Because Central has to keep a record
of all that everybody says for the Inspec-
tor of Personal Communications,” ex-
plained the Hatter. “Every word you
and Mrs. Smythe spoke was recorded
at the Central Office, and if either of you
had used any expression stronger than
Fudge, or 0 Tutt you would have been
fined five dollars for each expression and
repetition thereof. We expect to estab-
lish Civic Control of Public and Private
Speech within the next year, and we have
begun it with supervision of the Muni-
cipaphone.”
“But, cried Alice, “If I had said


84 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
groupana
something that required a fine, wouldn't
Mrs. O'Flaherty, who is innocent,
have had to pay?”
“Yes," said the Hatter. “But in all
cases where the public welfare is con-
cerned,
private in-
terests must
yield how-
ever great
the hard-
ship. That
is one of the
fundamen-
tal princi-
ples of
Municipal
Ownership. Mrs. O'Flaherty would have
to suffer in order that the great prin-
ciple involved in Polite Speech for all
Classes might prevail. The strict en-
forcement of our anti-Gosh legislation
has resulted almost in the complete
elimination of profane speech in Blunder-

BEBANG
"FINED FIVE DOLLARS"


THE MUNICIPAPHONE
land so much so in fact that in
the new Dictionary we are compiling
such words as Golramit, Dodgastit, and
Goshallhemlocks are being left out alto-
gether.”
OFFICE
OF
THE MO.
DICTIONARY
“It is a great moral agency," said
the White Knight. “It increases the
self-respect of the submerged, curbs the
pride of the rich, and holds in complete
subjection those evil communications
which corrupt good manners.”
“And nothing but the
result of Municipal Owner-
ship,” put in the March
Hare enthusi-
astically, for-
getting his
grouch for a
moment.
"It has
other advan-
tages, too,”
said the Hatter,
“to which I a

71/1
sosolon
DOGNARNY
GOL RAMIT
GOS
7 GONE
DING BUSTIE
DADBURA
DODGASTIT
THE DICTIONARY WE ARE COMPILING


THE MUNICIPAPHONE
87
this Municipaphone is to us in ascertain-
ing the general trend of public opinion.”
The Hatter gave the order to Central
and in a minute Alice stood transfixed
at the phone listening intently. She
recognised the voice of the Duchess
immediately.
* THE BIGGEST JACKASS FROM DAN TO BEERSHEBA”
“As for that old fool of a Hatter,"
she was saying, “he is the biggest jack-
ass from Dan to Beersheba.”
“Well?” said the Hatter. “Can you
hear her?”
“Yes,” giggled Alice. “Very plainly."
“What does she say?" asked the
Hatter, simpering.


90 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
get married too thoughtlessly. Just be-
cause they happen to love each other
they go off and get married, but under
Municipal Control it would be much
more difficult for a man or a woman to
take so serious a step. For instance,
if I had my way the Common Council
would have to be asked for permission
for a man to marry. The question would
come up in the form of a bill, which would
immediately be referred to the Committee
on Matrimony, who would discuss it very
thoroughly before bringing it before the
Council. If a majority of the Committee
considered that the application should
be granted, then the matter should be
placed before the whole Council, by which
it should be debated in open public ses-
sions, the applicant having been invited
to appear and under cross-examination
by the District Attorney demonstrate
his fitness to be married. All others
knowing any reason why he should not
be married should also have the oppor-


94 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
just said, we give larger measure than
was the custom under the private owner-
ship of Pegasus. Quatrains have been
increased from four lines to twenty-three,
and the old stingy fourteen-line sonnet
has been enlarged to fifty-four lines. We
have also passed an
ordinance requiring
that poems shall say
what they mean,
which is a vast im-
provement on the old
private control meth-
od whereunder any-
body was allowed to
write rhymes which
“ LARGER MEASURE THAN WAS nobody could under-
stand-like that
thing of Miss Arethusa Spink's, for
instance, called Aspiration. Remember
that?”
“I don't think I ever heard it,” said
Alice.
"Well it went this way,” said the
POEM
OVO POETRS
“ LARGER MEASURE THAN WAS
THE CUSTOM”


PUBLIC VERSE 101
to hear that new Limerick of yours,"
said the Commissioner.
“Thanky sir,” said Wiggins. “It
runs this way, your honour.
There was an old lady named Jane
Who sat on a fence at Schoharie.
A rooster came by
And crew like the deuce
But Tane never scared for a cent.
“That's great,” said the Hatter.
“Don't you think so, Miss Alice?"
“Why yes,” said Alice, “but-does it
rhyme?”
“Perfectly,” replied the Hatter," that
is, under our system. When we organ-
ised this Department to facilitate busi-
ness and avoid the waste of time looking
for rhymes we legalised such rhymes as
Schoharie and cent and by and deuce.
By that act we found that where one man
could only turn out 800 Limericks a day
under the old system, any ablebodied-
poet can write 3,000 in the same number


102 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
of hours. That's very good, Wiggins,"
he added turning to the workman. “I
shall recommend the Commissioner to
promote you to an Inspectorship in the
Sonnet works.”
“Thanky sir," said the Poet, as he
blushingly bowed himself out.
“Here,” said
the Commissioner,
opening a door
leading into a long,
darkened chamber,
"here, young lady,
is our Thinking
“OUR THINKING DEPARTMENT”.
Department."
Alice passed into the darkness and
dimly made out a half a hundred long-
haired individuals sitting in comfortable
Morris chairs, their forefingers pressed
hard against their brows and their eyes
gazing fixedly out into space.
“These men and women think the
thoughts which our municipal poetry is
designed to express,” the Commissioner
3


PUBLIC VERSE
103
continued. "A thought once seized by any
one of them is written down upon a pad,
and then taken into this next room
where it is classified and assigned to the
line cutters who turn out the first draft in
the rough. Then when this is done it is
sent to the rhyming room where the lines
are made to end in rhymes, and finally
it goes to the Polishing room where the
poem is made ready for publication."
“It's a wonderful system,” said the
Hatter. “It not only improves the
quality of our poetry, but in campaign
times it is a great help, since we control
absolutely all the campaign poetry.
When I run for mayor next fall to succeed
myself there won't be a single poem
written on the other side.”
“That ought to be a great help,”
said Alice.
“Yes," said the Hatter. "It will be.
Every employee in this Department will
not only vote for me but will work for
me as well. Same way in the gas plant


104 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
and the trolley—in fact in all the City
Departments. It is only another evi-
dence of the very great value of Municipal
Ownership. It is uncertainty in political
times that upsets business, but with the
Municipality in control of all these De-
partments from Gas to Poetry there is
no uncertainty about who will win, so
that business is not unsettled by it.”
“Wonderful,” said Alice.
"By the way, Mr. Commissioner,
you'd better start the Rhyming Bureau
on the search for rhymes to Hatter at
once," said the Mayor. “We don't want
to be caught unprepared at the last
minute.”
“The list is being compiled now,"
replied the Commissioner. “We already
have, Matter, Batter, Tatter, Smatter
Patter, Ratter, Spatter and Scatter."
“Fine!” chortled the Hatter.
“Don't forget Chatter," put in Alice.
“Thank you—I'll make a note of it,"
said the Commissioner.


PUBLIC VERSE 107
“What was that?” demanded the
Hatter.
“Giving the Election Commission ab-
solute control over the votes, and then
appointing yourself Election Commis-
sioner ex-officio," said the March Hare.
“I don't believe that Municipal Control
of the ballot is constitutional.”
"Well, it will be constitutional," said
the Hatter drily.
“When?" demanded the March Hare.
“When we secure Municipal Control
of the Constitution,” said the Hatter.
“I'll make it Constitutional if I have to
rewrite the whole blessed Constitution
myself.”
Whereupon the Hatter walked ma-
jestically forth into the street once more,
and Alice and the March Hare together
with the White Knight followed meekly
in his train.


OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN III
111
"I want to go home,” she whimpered.
“Certainly—as you wish,” said the
Hatter. “We'll take you there at once.
Come along."
Reassured by the Hatter's kindly
manner Alice took her companion's out-
stretched hand and they walked along the
highway together until they came to a
handsome apartment house fronting upon
a beautiful park, where the Hatter
pressed an electric button at one side
of the massive entrance. The response
to the bell was immediate, and Alice
was pleased to find that the person to
answer was none other than the Duchess
herself.
“Why, how-di-doo,” said the Duchess
affably. “Glad to see you again, Miss
Alice.”
“Thank you,” said Alice. “It is
very nice to be here. Do you live in
this beautiful building ?”
“Yes,” said the Duchess. “You see,
I've just been appointed Commissioner


II2 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
of Maternity. I'm what you might call
the official mother of the town. Since
that great Statesman, the Hatter”—here
the Duchess winked graciously at the
March Hare—“devised his crowning
achievement in the Municipal Control
of the Children and appointed me to be
the Head of the Department, I have been
stationed here."
“And a mighty good old mother
she is!” ejaculated the Hatter with
fervour.
“Palaverer!” said the Duchess coyly.
“Not at all,” said the Hatter. "I
speak not as a man, but as a Mayor, and
what I say is to be construed as an official
tribute to a faithful and deserving public
servant."
“Servant, sir?” repeated the Duchess
haughtily.
“In the American sense,” said the
Hatter with a low bow. “In the sense
that the servant is as good as, if not better
than the employer, Madam,”


OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN 113
a Dipla honours. in the Matright, a
“That man's a perfect Dipsomaniac,”
said the March Hare.
“Diplomat, man-diplomat,” cor-
rected the White Knight. “A dipso-
maniac is a very different thing from a
Diplomat. Consuls may be dipsomaniacs,
but a Diplomat is a man worthy of Am-
bassadorial honours."
“Oh I see,” said the March Hare.
“Well-he's a Diplomat all right, all
right.”
“How are things going to-day,
Duchess?” asked the Hatter. “Children
happy?”
“They will be in time,” said the
Duchess. “So many of them have been
brought up so far on the Ladies' Home
Fournal system that it is hard to intro-
duce the new Blunderland method with-
out friction.”
“I was afraid of that,” said the
Hatter. “How does the compulsory
soda-water regulation work?”.
“Splendidly,” said the Duchess.


114 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
“Since I started in in January to make
the children drink five glasses of Vanilla
Cream soda every day as a matter of
routine and duty, sixty per cent. of them
have come to hate it. I think that by
the end of the year we shall have stamped
out the love of soda almost entirely. The
same way with caramels and other can-
dies in place of beef. We have caramels
for breakfast, gum-drops for dinner and
marshmallows for tea, regularly, and
last night seventeen of the children
presented a petition asking for beef-
steak, mutton chops and boiled rice. I
have a firm conviction that when the
new law, requiring beef to be sold at candy
stores, and compelling those in charge of
the young to teach them that boiled
rice and hominy are bad for the teeth,
goes into effect, we shall find the children
clamouring for wholesome food as eagerly
as they do now for things that ruin their
little tummies."
“It's a splendid system-and how


OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN 117
have a right to sell their votes for
$500 apiece "
“Mercy!” cried Alice. “Why, that
is—that is terrible.”
"It certainly is,” said the March Hare
ruefully. “It's more than terrible, it's
rotten. Here I've been holding out for
$1,250 for mine, and these duffers want
to go in for a cut rate that will absolutely
ruin the business.”
“It's a very important matter," said
the Hatter. “After all our striving to
elevate the people we don't want them
to make themselves too cheap. For my
part I don't think they should let go of a
vote on any question for less than $2,500.”
“That's all right, Mr. Mayor,” said
the White Knight. “But you don't
want to frighten capital, you know."
“Well, you and I disagree on that
point,” said the Mayor. “Capital isn't
at all necessary to the success of our
schemes. My watchword is Bonds, and
as long as I have a printing press to print


118 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
'em, and a fountain pen to sign 'em I'm
not going to be influenced one way or
another by a feeling of subserviency to
the capitalist class. Good night, Miss
Alice. Glad to have met you and I hope
you will have a pleasant time with the
Duchess. Here,” he added, taking a
beautifully printed green and gold paper
from his pocket, “here is a Blanket
Mortgage 18% Deferred Debenture Bond
on the Main Street Ferry of a par value
of $100,000 payable in 3457, as a souvenir
of your visit.”
“A hundred thousand dollars,” cried
Alice. “For me?”
"No," corrected the Hatter. “A
hundred thousand dollar bond. You
don't get the money until 3457, and not
then unless you present it in person to the
City Treasurer.”
With which munificent gift the Hatter
respectfully bowed himself away and
made off, followed by the March Hare.
“Good-bye, Alice," said the White


OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN 121
undress dolls until one, when your
caramel will be given to you, after which
you will skip the rope and read fairy
stories until six. You must drink five
glasses of soda-water every day and will
not be allowed to go to bed before eleven
o'clock at night. Hurry now, and get
your hair mussed and your hands dirty
for dinner. The first course of whipped
cream and roasted chestnuts will be
served promptly at six-thirty." .
“But,” cried Alice, “I don't want
to stay here I want to go home.”
“You are home," said the Duchess.
“This is the Municipal Home of the
Children of Blunderland.”
“But I want my father and mother,"
whimpered Alice.
“The City is your father, my child,
and I am officially your mother," said the
Duchess.
“You are not!” cried Alice, “You
are trying to kidnap me!-I'll—I'll call
the police."


124 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
“Dear me, Alice,” said her mother.
“I hope you haven't hurt yourself.”
“No,” said Alice. “Why-have I
-I really fallen?”
“You most certainly have off the
sofa,” laughed her mother. “Where
“WEY-HAVE - I REALLY FALLEN ? "
have you been?" she added. “In
Wonderland again?”
.“No,” said Alice. “In Blunderland
—this time."
Which struck her father, when he
heard the story of her adventures later,
as a very apt and descriptive title for the
M. O. Country. -


JFC
91-1410