21 4 73.21.9 ELEANOR.WHITNEY. DAVIS HARVARD COLLEGE LIBRARY Bauer i CLARA IN BLUNDERLAND Some Press Opinionis. The Atheneum --" The parody is one of the best specimens of that kind of literature, and the political satire is extremely good." The Academy.--"Clara in Blun«lerland' is sure of an uproarious reception on both sides of the House, and it might have useful results, for many true words are spoken in jest in its pages.' The World. --“ Both the prose and the verse of the famous companion volumes are imitated with unflagging cleverness and point in this diverting political skit. The author has maintained the parody throughout with a skill and ingenuity which will be keenly appreciated by all who know their Lewis Carroll and their contemporary statesmen.' The Pall Mall Gazette." Clara in Blunderland' will give everybody who takes even the most superficial interest in politics a hearty laugh. ... While the prose is good, the adaptation of the familiar lyrics are excellent. ... Take it for all in all it is excellent fooling.' The Daily Telegraph.-" It is good fun and there are some shrewd hits in its pages. The parody is sufficiently bright and amusing and S. R.'s illustrations, burlesquing the famous pictures of Sir John Tenniel, achieve consider- able success." The Globe." It is thoroughly up-to-date and its por- traits of prominent politicians are unmistakable. ... It should prove entertaining to politicians of all parties, for its satire is as impartial and comprehensive as it is witty and genial." The Scotsman._." A really clever political skit. Both as a parody and a vehicle for a good deal of satire it is distinctly clever." The Daily Chronicle.—"The satire is good-humoured and its cleverness is unquestionable.” 文​/ 。 一 ​ ČLARA IN BLUNDERLAND BY CAROLINE LEWIS WITII FORTY ILLUSTRATIONS BY S. R. LONDON WILLIAM HEINEMANN 1902 21473.21.9 HARVARD COLLEGE LIBRARY FROM THE ESTATE OF MRS. CHARLES ROBERT SANGER FEBRUARY 19, 1936 First Impression, February 1902 Second Impression, March 1902 Third Impression, March 1902 Fourth Impression, March 1902 Fifth Impression, April 1902 All rights reserved Dedicated WITH THE MOST PROFOUND AFFECTION AND RESPECT TO THE MEMORY OF LEWIS CARROLL, TO WHOM THE AUTHOR IS AS MUCH INDEBTED FOR THE TEXT AS THE ILLUSTRATOR TO SIR JOHN TENNIEL FOR THE ENSUING PARODIES OF HIS PERFECT PICTURES. ALSO WITH THE PUBLISHER'S COURTEOUS ACKNOWLEDGMENT TO MESSRS. MACMILLAN, THE GODFATHERS OF THE ORIGINAL "ALICE." pen DRIFTING. All o'er the sea of Politics Full leisurely we glide ; And Britain's bark, with little skill, And little care we guide, While little minds make little plans, And stronger hands are tied. ix Åh, cruel fate! to make us tell This very plaintive story, Of Clara's trip to Blunderland, Of creatures bold and boery ; And clothe in garb of fantasy Prosaic Whig and Tory. A sense of Duty urged us first To “hurry and begin it." Fatuity then whispered low, “ It won't take half a minute !” We laughed to scorn the bare idea That there was money in it. So far we have confined our words To merely pointless chatter, As fat as other prefaces, Perhaps a trifle flatter; But, as the reader always skips This part, it does not matter. One serious word—we have to pay Our tribute to those sages Who wrote ani drew that “ Wonderland” On which are based these pages.. A classic which in nursery land Will stand the test of ages. We claim that naught within these leaz'es Has been set down in malice, That certainly against the State By us there no cabal is- And, reader, if you've praise to give, Bestow it all on Alice. CONTENTS. CHAY. I. IN A HOLE AGAIN n. A MUSHROOM CATERPILLAR . . . . 13 III. THE CONSERVATORY : : 29 IV. THE MAD PARTY V. CRUMPTY-BUMPTY VI. BOERDOM . . . . . . VII. BEKNIGHTED . . 78 VIII. FRIEND OR F. . . 97 IX. FLAMJINGOS . : 104 X. QUEENS AND QUESTIONS . . .. . 115 XI. DRAGON AND TURNTURTLE . . 124 XII. ON THE CARDS . . . . . . 138 xiii LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. . · . · · · · · · · · “ Beware the Porlok rock, my Joe” . . . firontispiece Page Drifting . . . . . . . . . . ix Clara felt very listless . . . . . . . . I “ Time! Time ! ” . . . . . . . . 6 “ It will make you grow out of all conscience”. Certainly she was growing. . . . “ I-can't-go--your-pace,” gasped Clara. . Chestnut Land . . . . . . . A Mushroom Caterpillar . . “ You thought you could shoot that wildebeeste on your head” . . . . “ You could knock out the stuffing from him” . . . * Pray, how do you manage to swallow ?”. “ Aren't you afraid it will bite you ?". . She came across a little house Nursing the Voter . . .. The Goose-baby. . . . “ Up a tree again?” said Clara . . . Like the pictures in a biograph . . . “ Your views want broadening,” said the Hatter . . . : : . : . . : : XV 2 IN A HOLE AGAIN. eve her to learn about China and other places in which she never could feel any interest, and another lady to teach her the use of the Globe ; but nobody to give her nice little lessons in kindergarten philosophy, or even to help her and her sister Geraldine in making Irish stew. No wonder she felt dull; and there was no occasion for surprise when, purely in search of distraction, she went right into a hole on the putting green to fetch out her ball. People do and say such funny things when they are bored at golf. You may think it wonderful that such a big girl as Clara could get down a hole of this sort, but she had a marvellous gift in that way, and it was said that she could get into a hole when no one else would have found it possible; so you see she had no difficulty about it. This particular hole, however, appeared to be bottomless, and the moment she got into it she began to fall, which made her say at once to herself, “Dear me! I must be dream- ing again, for of course in real life I could IN A HOLE AGAIN. never fall at all. My Aunt Sarum would not allow it." But she fell, and fell, and fell. Down, down, down, until she began to fear that she would fall right down to the level of the Aberrationals, and come out in Ireland, where the inhabitants are all cannibals, and the resources of civilisation have long ago been exhausted. “ I do wish,” she said, as she was falling, “I had Geraldine with me. Then I could hide in some Cabinet or other where I should never be noticed and, perhaps, when the Aberrationals had eaten her, they wouldn't be hungry for me. I never knew anybody except Auntie for whom one of the family was not quite enough.” She was, so she thought, years and years in falling, and once she nearly saved herself by catching hold of an Old Age Pension which was sticking out of a pigeon-hole in the wall, with nobody to look after it. But it pulled itself IN A HOLE AGAIN. going to read the bill,” Clara thought she had better try to find some way out, as she did not wish to pay for food she had not had. All the doors were locked, but through the key-hole of one (which bore the inscription “Noblesse Oblige. Admittance £20,000 a year. Liberal discount to Successful Brewers and Unsuccessful Generals.") she could see a beautiful garden, carpeted with flowers of here- ditary intellect, and filled with hundreds upon hundreds of happy children, of whom three formed a quorum, and of whom some seemed to be more than half awake. "I shall call that the Palace of Sleeping Beauties,” cried Clara, in ecstasies, quite forgetting that a garden can't be a palace. She tried very hard to get through the key- hole into this charming place, but it was of no use, and when she found that she would have to stop in the hall with the green chairs and hear the White Rabbit read the bill, she sat down and cried and cried. "Must I stop here for ever and ever?” she moaned. "My dear,” answered the White Rabbit, IN A HOLE AGAIN. “I am afraid you will never leave this house until it is dissolved.” “Oh dear, oh dear,” she said, despairingly, “Why was it built on such solid foundations ? ” "You ought to be very thank- ful,” he added, "after your great come down, to be here at all when you think how m a n y strange crea- tures are trying to get in and DERPAESEE X All can't.” After the bill was read the serious business began. The hall became full of all sorts of animals. “Both quadrangles and biceps," as she told Geraldine afterwards. There were a good niany geese, a very ugly duckling, some saucy monkeys, wolves in sheeps' clothing, parrots in eagles' IN A HOLE AGAIN. MV Vues TORY SML CY Euro child,” continued the Dodo, with kindly patronage, “and what you want is Protection.” “I do wear a chest protector in the winter," said Clara, “and I don't like it, but Aunt Sarum makes- ” “Tut! tut! my dear, you want more than that, you want protecting everywhere, and against everything. Confide in me. I will protect you. Take this bottle and drink its contents. You must drink it all if you want to be thoroughly protected.” IN A HOLE AGAIN. " It would be very nice to be protected,” said Clara, "for some of those beasts are rather terrifying.” She looked up into the fatherly face of the Dodo and could not help having confidence in him ; he was so ponderous and bland. She took the bottle in her hand. “Is it nice?” she asked. “Delicious, my dear,” he replied. “It is all sugar on the top and there are lots of plums in it." Clara had noticed the Red Queen, standing by the door and eyeing her narrowly, and every now and then, when the Dodo wasn't looking, she seemed to be signing to Clara not to drink the stuff. Clara hesitated. “Come, come, my dear,” said the Dodo, persuasively. “It's so nice, besides it will make you grow out of all conscience. Drink it up.” She uncorked the bottle cautiously, and sniffed at the contents. It was quite white, and didn't smell nasty; besides Clara had a vague ambition to become something big. The Red IN A HOLE AGAIN. II is swallowed the effect will not last. See, you are shrinking again already. You naughty child,” he continued, working himself up into a passion, "you have wasted all that old and crusted spirit of conservatism ; and there is WE TETES ALTY Elurry very little of the genuine article left in the country. We can only get the real thing in China now, and we have found the Chinese article very expensive lately.” “Oh, please !” sobbed Clara, “ I'm so sorry - I'm sure, 1— ” “What would have happened I really don't CHAPTER II. A MUSHROOM CATERPILLAR. “FASTER—Faster!” cried the Red Queen, as she dragged Clara along until the breath had nearly left her body, and she felt as if cold water were being poured down her back. “Where are you taking me to ?” Clara, panted, “I can't help thinking— ” . . “If you want to do that,” said the Red Queen, "you and I must part. I never permit any one to think in my presence. It's rude; it's unnecessary.” Saying this, she let go her hand, with the unkind remark that there wasn't room for both of them in the same country. same CO 16 A I JSHROOM CATERPILLAR. when you do say something that is wrong too.” “But why am I wronger than other people?” “I didn't say you were. Everybody is wrong, and I am here to tell them so.” “And how do you think you will put them right?” “I don't thin' ; I talk. I don't put them right. It takes me all my time red them they are wrong. The point is—what do you want?” " I'm not quite sure, if you please, sir,” said Clara, timidly, “things are co funny to-day.” “ Things are never funny; they are only wrong," said the Caterpillar. “You are not sure what you want, I am. What you want is advice." "But you can't think what a lc advice I've had to-day,” replied Clara, distractedly, "and I don't think it's done me one bit of good.” “That's because it wasn't mine " said the Caterpillar. “I shall now read yo'. leading article I am cabling home.” “I didn't know people ever cabled leaders,” said Clara. 18 A MUSHROOM CATERPILLAR. "It is long, but it's very, very clever. It has been written entirely for your improvement.” Clara felt that after this she could not refuse to listen, and the Caterpillar still sucking the pipe, from which it seemed to draw its inspira- tion, read, as follows :- PORLOKROCKY. 'Tis warrig and the slinky Pros Do snibe and squirgle in the dark; All boersome are the interfoes, And the frogrags outyark. Beware the Porlokrock, my Joe ! The Orange Peel, the Olive patch! Beware the Brussels Spouts, and O! Mark well the Kaiserspatch. They packed their Milner to the Cape : Long time they drawled on this and that, So footled they on the dum-dum lay, And piffled as they sat. And as in snifty mood they piffed, The Porlokrock, with soul aflame, Came slimming through the spruity drift, Pom-pomming as he came ! A MUSHROOM CATERPILLAR. 19 One !—two!-three !-four! disasters came, The buckled blades went snipper snap; They left it dead—That's what they said, Vermilioning the map. And will you slay the Porlokrock ? (Come to Pall Mall, my brittle Brod !) Perchance you may, if some fine day You catch him on the nod. 'Tis warrig and the slinky Pros Do snibe and squirgle in the dark; All boersome are the interfoes, And the frogrags outyark. “Thank you, sir,” said Clara, when the Cater- pillar had finished, “ I'm very much obliged to you, but I can't quite understand it.” "I never expected you would,” said the Caterpillar. “But is it any good to give people advice when they don't understand ?” asked Clara, in a puzzled tone. “Of course it is,” answered the Caterpillar. “It teaches them how stupid they are.” “I know I'm stupid,” said poor Clara, very 20 A MUSHROOM CATERPILLAR. seems humbly, “at least everybody seems to think so to-day, and yet there was a time when they all praised me, and said how clever I was.” “Ah!” remarked the Caterpillar, " that must have been before you tried to keep pace with the Red Queen, wasn't it?”. “Yes,” said Clara, almost in tears, “I may be silly, but Aunt Sarum will tell you that I know my lessons by heart, and I can say poetry too—so there!” "What can you say?”. “Well, do you know,” said Clara, brightening up, “when I saw you sitting up there writing so hard I could not help thinking of How i doth the little busy bee'?" “Repeat it,” said the Caterpillar, in a some- what softened tone. And Clara, putting her hands behind her back, began :- How doth the arm-chair strategist Improve each censored cable, Converting it by natty twist, Into egregious fable. 22 A MUSHROOM CATERPILLAR. cm CU “ You are old, Father Johnnie,” the Strategist said, “And it's years since you'd had a tough fight; Yet you thought you could shoot that wildebeeste on your head- Do you think, after all, you were right?" “ In my youth,said John Bull, “ I developed my hand “Upon Arabs, and Niggers, and such ; And I thought that these Boers were of similar brand; But I found I was out of it-much." A MUSHROOM CATERPILLAR. QUID “You are old, Father John, as I mentioned before, And your body and ways are not slim— Did you think that by bouncing on Stead's brother Boer' You could knock out the stuffing from him ? " “In my youth," said John Bull, “ it was ever my plan To win viclory after defeat; And I certainly thought that, the worse I began, The better my chances to beat." 24 A MUSHROOM CATERPILLAR. TUNTURT 2 BE ZATEMENTS SEITSMC > > > “ You are old, Father John, and your teeth must be few, For your cheeks are both sunken and hollow; Yet this trashy and most indigestible stew, Pray, how do you manage to swallow ?”. “In my youth,” said John Bull, “ I gave appetite scope Upon kingdoms and countries galore. Now with Salisbury's peptonised bluff and soft soap, I can swallow just that and no more." 26 A MUSHROOM CATERPILLAR. "Oh, dear me,” groaned the Caterpillar, " that's worse than ever. You seem to have strategists on the brain. I think you were better with the ‘Busy bee' than with this. Try that over again, and remember that it is about bees, not strategists." So Clara tried once more :- How doth a timely vulture lend Improvement to a tale, A Verne-Munchausen-Crusoe blend, Which makes de Rougemont pale. crear “There, that's quite enough!” screamed the Caterpillar, highly incensed. “Run away and play. Go and bother Crumpty-Bumpty, or Twiddle-Thumb and Twaddle-D.” “But do tell me that vulture tale,” pleaded Clara, “I should so love to hear it from you. Why did it keep following you from Pretoria ? Why are the birds so fond of you? I have read of people who are always seeing snakes, and Aunt Sarum says she could make French- men see stars any time of the day, if she liked, but of course she doesn't, she's so kind. Why did that bird follow you ? ” re A MUSHROOM CATERPILLAR. 27 was “Well, you see," said the Caterpillar, “birds are like human beings, they are wrong. Now that silly bird, in spite of my strikingly hand- some appearance-> He stopped abruptly. “Well,” said Clara, encouragingly, “please don't stop, it's getting so exciting.” “Well then, that bird, you must know, was very hungry, and when it saw me, a brilliant mushroom caterpillar, it's idea was to treat me merely as a little grub.” “That was certainly rather humiliating,” said Clara, sympathetically,“ but after all grubs and caterpillars are rather alike. Why didn't it eat you ?” " It might have done that, had it not been for my verbal armiour. You see the vulture couldn't swallow my statements.” "And how did you get rid of it?" asked Clara. “You won't tell anybody if I tell you?” said the Caterpillar. “ No." “Well, then I sang to it.” “Can you sing ?” asked Clara, clasping her hands rapturously together. 28 A MUSHROOM CATERPILLAR. “Oh! quite easily; I sang to him :- Swallow on, swallow on; You may eat whate'er you see, You may even swallow Official Reports, But you'll never swallow me. “When I gave him "The Belle of New York,' he flew away,” said the Caterpillar, turning round to the spot where Clara had been standing. But Clara, like the vulture, had flown. 30 THE CONSERVATORY. CONS THE co VATORY hallit NY RE home. I'm sure they will be glad to see me if I go in.” A polite old frog-gardener opened the little door for her, and she found herself at once in a small kitchen which was full of fog from one end to the other. The Duchess was sitting on tenter-hooks nursing a baby which seemed to dislike the process very much. At any rate the poor little thing screamed and howled, without intermis- THE CONSERVATORY. 31 sion, which was not very surprising, as the Duchess alternately slapped and pinched it, and occasionally put a wet blanket on its head. The Cook, in the intervals of stirring the soup, hurled everything she could think of at the baby's head, and frequently threw dust in its eyes. “In order,” she said, “to arouse it to a sense of its responsibilities.” The Duchess did not seem to mind the pots and pans, even when they hit her, which wasn't often, and she seemed pleased whenever the Dalmeny Cat, who appeared to be trying to escape observation in a hot corner of the kitchen, got a particularly hard knock. "You see,” she said to Clara, “ that Cat does not really belong to this house.” “How do you make it stop here?” asked Clara. “Have you buttered its feet ? ” “We've buttered it all over, my dear, at times, and yet it won't stop.” “It seems a very nice Cat,” said Clara ; “ but I don't see that it will be much use here, and I'm sure there's no room for it in this pokey little kitchen.” “Ah! my dear, you don't know what respec- IEI THE CONSERVATORY. you want to get to, and you don't seem to know yourself.” "You see,” said Clara, “ I've tried the Dodo and he's too old-fashioned ; and the Red Queen, she's too fast; and the Duchess, she's too slow; and the Caterpillar, he's too—too cock-sure," and she blushed a little at the use of an expression which she knew was slang, for her Aunt had told her never to pay any attention to the words of the man in the street. “I don't much care where I go,” she con- tinued, “so long as I get somewhere.” “ You'll do that,” said the Cat, “but whether you'll like it or not when you get there I can't say." “In that direction ” (waving its right paw) "lives a Hatter ; and in that ” (waving its left) "lives a March Hare. Visit either you like, they're both mad.” “But I don't want to go among mad people.” "Then you shouldn't have come to Blunder- land at all. We are all mad here, and if any body isn't mad when he comes, we very soon make him. But it's usually unnecessary. 38 THE CONSERVATORY. WIT As it was speaking, the Cat began to flicker and change just like the pictures in a biograph, but, whenever it seemed likely to turn into something interesting, it always faded and went out with a fizzle, leaving nothing behind it but the sneer, which was always there. "I do wish you wouldn't go on chopping and changing like that,” Clara cried at last, "you'll really make me Dizzy.” “ Oh dear no!” said the Cat, “ you'll never be that.” CHAPTER IV. THE MAD PARTY. as At a turning of the road Clara came upon the March Hare and the Grey Hatter at tea, and she thought it would be only polite to join their Party; "although,” said Clara, “it must only be temporary, of course.” There was a table under a tree, and an essentially Liberal Dormouse was seated at it between the Hatter and the Hare. “Very uncomfortable for the Dormouse,” thought Clara ; for the Hatter and the March Hare were resting their elbows upon it, and talking over its head. “But then,” said Clara to her- self, “ they always do talk over everybody's 42 THE MAD PARTY. head.” And saying this, she sat down at the table. “No room! No room!” cried the March Hare, with a strong Irish brogue. “ There's plenty of room !” said Clara ; (This Tile Jod humu “why,' there are more tea-cups than people, ever so many. Besides, I didn't know it was your table.” This made the March Hare laugh a great deal. “It isn't a table at all,” he said. “It's a platform. It's not all mine. The part above board belongs to him ”—pointing to the Hatter THE MAD PARTY. “If they only would !” sighed the Dormouse. “What century is this?” asked the Hatter suddenly, pulling out his watch and banging it on the table. “ It's the beginning of the eighteenth,” Clara answered. “Getting very near Doomsday as far as you're concerned," muttered the Dormouse, looking sleepily at Clara with one eye. “The hands go round different ways," sighed the Hatter. “I told you dynamite wouldn't suit the works!” he added, looking angrily at the Hare. “It was the best non-explosive,” the Hare replied, meekly. “Yes, but it must have got mixed with some continental gas,” the Hatter grumbled ; “ you shouldn't have put it in by Moonlight.” “The Dormouse is asleep again!” cried the Hare, angrily, and he poured some dreadfully hot water upon its nose. The Dormouse shook its head impatiently, and said, without opening its eyes, “ Of course, of course ; just what I was going to remark myself. Hear, hear; hear, hear !” THE MAD PARTY. rmouse “Does the Dormouse ever open both its eyes ? ” asked Clara. "Only when it gets right into the hot water,” said the Hare ; “ that makes it open its eyes, I can tell you." " But why does it get into hot water at all ?” Clara asked. “ I'm always putting it there,” said the Hare. “You see,” said the Hatter, “this Dormouse is such a sleepy old thing, that if I alone were on this side to keep it awake it would go to sleep on the other. So we have to sit on both sides of it, and when we both begin pinching it together you have no idea how it wakes up. Why it even speaks, then!” “What does it say ?” asked Clara. “O, the first thing that comes into its head,” replied the Hatter. “Generally something foolish!” cried the Hare, thumping the Dormouse in the side. " Quite so, quite so," sighed the poor Dormouse ; "hear, hear ; certainly, cer- tainly.” “Has it a mind of its own ?” asked Clara. “ It had once,” replied the Hare, “but not THE MAD PARTY. since I got hold of its tail. Its mind belongs to me now.” “ Half of it,” snapped the Hatter. “ All of it,” said the Hare. “That's ridiculous," retorted the Hatter ; “you may have got the tail, but I've got the whig end, anyhow.” “Were the halves of different sizes ?” asked Clara, whose head was beginning to spin. “Some of them,” answered the Hatter. At this point the Hatter pinched the Dor- mouse on one side, and the Hare pinched it on the other, and both cried : “Wake up, and say something! Wake up, and say something !” “ Yes, do,” said Clara. “Once upon a time there were three little sisters," the Dormouse began, in a great hurry; "and their names were Patty, Primrose, and Plantagenetta ; and they lived at the bottom of a well— ” "Why?” asked Clara. “Because they thought Truth was there,” answered the Dormouse. “And was it ? ” Clara asked. 16 THE MAD PARTY. mou V un- " It took up all their time,” explained the Dormouse. "And are they still at the bottom of the well ?” said Clara. “No; they're at the bottom of the poll now," sighed the Dormouse; “and it's very un- comfortable.” “After that,” said the Hare to the Hatter, in a threatening tone. "I quite agree," said the Hatter, “the Dormouse must be sup- pressed.” All this time Clara had been getting very hungry, and at last she said, “Aren't you going to get on with your tea ? I think I should like to have an egg, please.” “You can't have one now," said the Hatter ; “ they're not in season, you must wait for the elections. But you shall have some potted Dormouse, if you wait.” Thereupon the March Hare and the Hatter said the Hatter, CRUMPTY-BUMPTY. came nearer the thing got more and more like a real egg until, as she came close up to it, she exclaimed, in surprise, “Why, it's Crumpty-Bumpty himself, and how exactly like an egg he is !” It was indeed that celebrated character, and, just as she expected, he was sitting on a wall. For some time Clara gazed at him in silence, admiring the immense expanse of cheek he presented to the public, and the skill with which he maintained his position on the wall. Meanwhile Crumpty-Bumpty gave no sign of life whatever, and Clara began to think he wasn't really alive after all, but only a figure, such as she had often seen at Madame Tus- saud's, “in which case,” she said, “ even a pin- prick will let all the sawdust out.” Unfortunately she made the last remark out loud, and it seemed to hurt Crumpty-Bumpty's feelings very much indeed, for his mouth was suddenly opened, and he said, in a very loud and emphatic tone of voice, “I regard you as a barbarian with loathsome methods.” “I beg your pardon sir?” said Clara. CRUMPTY-BUMPTY. “But,” he went on, always avoiding Clara's eye, and looking straight in front of him, “when I say 'barbarian, of course I mean a a civilised barbarian, and I shall be really displeased if you persist in considering the expression loathsome methods' at all cen- sorious. There are many loathsome methods, particularly in war, which are quite nice when you get to know them well, and which ought to be employed on proper occasions. Take special notice, my dear, that I said 'employed,” not used. They should never be used.” “ It sounds very beautiful, sir,” said Clara, respectfully, “but I'm afraid I don't understand you.” “No?" returned Crumpty-Bumpty. “Well, you mustn't be discouraged. I know it's hard. Why, very often I can't understand what I say myself until it's explained the next morning in the newspapers. There are hundreds of 'em that make a living out of explaining ME. That's what you call fame you know." “I don't think I do,” said Clara, doubtfully. “Of course it is,"answered Crumpty-Bumpty, impatiently, “anybody knows that. Don't CRUMPTY-BUMPTY. MA The sun was bumping round the sky, Bumping with all his might, He did his level best to set On Britain's Appetite, But, tho' he always rose betimes, He couldn't do it quite. The moon was chuckling icily, Because she said the sun Was like a little Englander (That made him swear like fun), She said he ought to take a tour With Cook or Doctor Lunn. 56 CRUMPTY-BUMPTY. . The sober Voters looked at him, Their followers were many, The sober Voters winked their eye, And did not give a penny, Meaning to say, tho' much obliged, They were not taking any. But some young Voters hurried up, All glad to air their views, They said the Truth was what they sought (Terewth's the word they use). And this is odd, because, you see, They read the D--ly N-ws ! The Walrus and the Carpenter Talked on, but no more came, And so they sat them down to think, And said it was a shame, While all the foolish l'oters said “Now, what's your little game?” “ The time has come,” the Walrus said, “ To talk like Mother Gamps, Of pubs, and pumps, and Chamberlain, Of Concentration Camps, And how our military men Are murderers and scamps." 58 CRUMPTY-BUMPTY. NAP Koy) JUMP ON JOE EFFACE EMPIRE CHUCK CHURCH WALOWER LOROSA “ It seems a shame," the Walrus said, “ To let our programme go, Might we not give Home Rule a turn, Or bring the High Church low ?" The Carpenter said nothing but, “ Dash it, get on to Joe !" “ I weep for him," the Walrus said, “ All strife I deprecate,” With studious care he sorted out Words of infernal hate, Hurling with might at Joseph's head The fishiest Billingsgate. 60 CRUMPTY-BUMPTY. tell you,” said Crumpty-Bumpty, and he pointed away to the Extreme Left. The effort nearly caused him to over- balance himself. “Oh! do take care, you're so roley-poley, you know,” cried Clara, and she went on anxiously, “ I'm sure you must get giddy up there.” “Everybody says I'm giddy,” said Crumpty. Bumpty, “but I'm not, though I admit I feel a bit addled at times. But it's better for me to maintain my equilibrium, for,” he continued, with great solemnity, “ I'm always afraid that if I were to fall, I should become quite cracked.” “That would be dreadful,” said Clara, “be- sides I think I've read somewhere that, All the King's horses, and all the King's men, couldn't- " “Of course they couldn't. They'd have a try though. But they couldn't do it without money. Money will do anything. But you see I'm not a Jingo, so I can't say, 'I've got the money too. I went to see the man with the money the other day, and tried to persuade him to promise to have me mended, but he was CRUMPTY-BUMPTY. 61 BUDGET will UDD "I bawled in his ear" CRUMPTY-BUMPTY. wei very deaf. At last I bawled in his ear, “If I were to fall what would happen?' “Did he hear that?” asked Clara. “What did he say?” “He only said, “I should smile.'” “ How horrid of him,” said Clara, indignantly. “What would become of you, then?”. “Well,” said Crumpty-Bumpty, with a wink “ I have a card up my sleeve. The other day I held a secret meeting to which the news- papers were invited—some of them and I made them promise that, whenever I fall, they will patch me up somehow.” "And can they do it, do you think?” asked Clara. “Of course they can. Newspaper people are so handy with paste and scissors." “It would be very difficult,” said Clara. “Come! you had better let me help you off the wall. I'm a very careful little girl, and I'm sure I should let you down more gently than some people I know.” “Would you really, my dear?” said Crumpty- Bumpty, and he put out his hand. But poor little Clara was not quite tall enough, and in CRUMPTY-BUMPTY. dreadfully. In fact it was our pulling different ways that really brought him down.” “You've no idea of the difficulties it got us into," said Twiddle-Thumb. “Why, there was that unfortunate message to the Tail, and all that. Did you never hear of it ? " said Twaddle-D. And without waiting for Clara to reply, the two little men began to repeat together, and in exactly the same tone, this poem :- I sent a message to the Tail, I asked them, “ Is the show to fail ? " The party Tail they did agree To send an answer back to me. The Tail replied, with much regret, “We will support you, Sir, and yet" I sent to them again to say, “ It must be either Aye or Nay !”. The Tail made answer, with a pooh ! “ This isn't, Sir, a bit like you." I held a meeting large and strong, I made a speech, and it was long. 66 CRUMPTY-BUMPTY. I said, “ I'll end this Dreadful Mess, I'll abdicate at once, unless—" Then some one came to me and said, “ The Tail has really lost its head.” I said to him, I said it plain, “ The Tail has everything to gain." But he was very old and chill, He said he worshipped me, but still — I took a corkscrew from the Shelf, I boldly tried to draw myself. And when I saw that I was double, I said it saved a deal of trouble. And when I found the door unshut, I swore that I was happy, but “ Is that all ?” asked Clara, surprised at the sudden stoppage of the voices in the middle of a sentence. “Yes,” they answered together, “you can invent the rest for yourself. You see we have to please so many people that we always CRUMPTY-BUMPTY. 67 - 18. talk like missing-word competitions. They're very popular, and anybody can guess what they like.” Clara was getting tired of the twins. “Please,” she said, “ can you tell me where Crumpty · Bumpty's beautiful garden is situated?" "It isn't situated,” said Twaddle-D); “it lies -over there." “ Is there no one to show me the way ?" said Clara. CHAPTER VI. BOERDOM. “Nonow, my dear," said Twiddle-Thumb, “I cannot go with you.” “ Contrariwise,” said Twaddle-D, “you must go by yourself.” Then they said together, “ You see, we can- not both go the same way, and we cannot separate from each other. The Hyphen would be angry,” and with that they left her. “Perhaps it's as well,” thought Clara," for they don't seem able to walk straight. Probably they're inebriated with the exuber- ance of their own verbosity.” She was not sorry, then, to get rid of the I 70 BOERDOM. thing in the garden was lovely. Why !” she continued, turning to the man, “they told me, for one thing, that it was full of beautiful creepers." "So it is,” he answered, “there are plenty of creepers, and crawlers as well. They are beauties too, the lot of 'em ; but that's not my idea of a garden.” “But you see I'm not going to stay,” said Clara, disheartened; “I'm only going to see what it's like.” And she wandered dreamily on. At last she came to an archway over which was written the word Boerdom, and, with a little shiver, she walked through. “This is a dirty place,” she said, as she passed under the archway. “It's more like a menagerie than a garden." She found herself standing close by a thing like a water butt, and all round her were hideous creatures, "just like,” as she explained, “the things that come and sit on your chest in bed after you've been dining with the Souls.' “These must be the creepers,” said she. But Clara was a brave little girl, and she went straight up to one of the beasts, who had VE 72 BOERDOM. smash the old Mug, not me! Why, I couldn't get on without it. “I wasn't thinking of the Mug. It was your poor nose,” answered Clara. “Isn't it very sore?” “Oh, it burns a bit,” said the creature ; “ but it's been put out of joint long ago by these other animals. I'm only here, you know, because just now there ain't nothink in my line to do elsewhere. That's to say nothing striking. You see I'm one of the 'orny ’anded myself—one of them blokes wot's willin' to work, but won't. I've always got to seem to be a-pickin' 'oles in somethin' or else my mates wouldn't keep me goin'.” “What are you?” asked Clara. “By purfession,” said the beast, “ I'm wot they call a 'anger-on." “ I've never heard of that as a plant, but it sounds like a sort of creeper,” mused Clara ; “and what are those things that look like hedgehogs walking about on hairpins ?” “ Those are the Slinky Pros you heard about before. They're called Pros, you see, because they're against everything English.” 76 BOERDOM. She liked the flowers better than the beasts, however. They were not beautiful, but, at any MANCHESTER GUARDIAN UT Boots Wer hein rate, they looked less creepy than the creep- ing things. There were beds and beds of these Boer flowers, but she missed one face, and a face Clara knew far better than all the others. “Why isn't it here?” she asked herself, and BEKNIGHTED. 79 . Wat CC SITE TURINN CROCS ARMEX SR DPES SCE The White Knight 80 BEKNIGHTED. His horse was hung around with strange weapons—a broken wooden sword which did not look as if it could ever have done much damage even when new, and a heavy spik d club with which he belaboured his old horse, whose hide, however, was fortunately very thick. Just as Clara was about to run away and hide herself from this terrifying creature, she heard a voice in the distance, shouting, “ Ulti- ulti-ulti-matum !” and a Knight in red armour dashed out of the wood on the other side. Coming up to the other, he saluted gravely, and said, “We will have a Peace Conference, and then a fight.” The White Knight, after thinking for some time, remarked, “You will, I presume, observe the Rules of Battle.” "Certainly,” replied the other, "you will observe your rules, and I'll observe mine.” “That is fair,” said the White Knight, “I will now read you my rules so that there shall be no mistake." Thereupon he took from his pocket a lengthy paper, and after clearing his throat, began :- BEKNIGHTED. se 11 acquainted with your methods, and I know you will adhere to them strictly, therefore we will pro- ceed to fight, each according to his own rules.” Then they went at it hammer and tongs, the Red Knight of course using the hammer, and the White Knight, the tongs. An unwritten rule seemed to be that each combatant should exclaim at intervals that he had “surrounded” his opponent, whereupon he stood still until the surrounded one knocked him off his horse. After each had been knocked off fourteen times, the battle ended by the Red Knight dismounting his opponent, capturing his tongs, and riding away with them. For some time the poor White Knight lay unconscious, though Clara did everything she could to bring him to, even burning under his nose a copy of the Report on Army Reform, which she fortunately had in her pocket. The smell of the dead ashes seemed to revive him a little, and when he came to himself, he said to her, with a faint smile, “ Thank you, my dear, it was a glorious victory, wasn't it?” “Well,” replied Clara rather doubtfully, “I don't know so much about that. It seemed to 84 BEKNIGHTED. "I don't see how you can keep other people from inventing things,” said Clara. “Surely you can't ? ” “ You couldn't,” returned the Knight, “but I do. You see, I am the great war inventor in these parts. Years and years before you were born I invented a way of saving money by not paying the soldiers their wages. The patent for that, however, has run out long ago, and lots of my opponents follow that plan now. It is the regular practice in countries as far off as China and Turkey." “But yet,” said Clara, “ I don't understand how you keep other people from inventing things.” “Well,” said the Knight, a beautiful look of peace and contentment suffusing his masked face, “it's done in this way. Everybody has to send his invention to me, and then I put it away in a box, and tell him that I'll let him know about it IN DUE COURSE. I suppose you don't know what 'due course' means, do you?” “No, I don't,” said Clara. “Ah! you've never had a departmental BEKNIGHTED. . 85 WOU training, you see. “Due course' means just when I choose, and I generally don't choose. When I do choose, I tell him that his invention isn't any use at all, and that he musn't come bothering us any more. Then he goes away quite satisfied." “But doesn't he sometimes take it else- where?” asked Clara, who was very much puzzled. The poor Knight looked annoyed. “You ought not to say things like that,” he said, very slowly, “they wound my feelings. There have been one or two people who have done that sort of thing, and the worst of it is that that Red fellow, who was here just now, has bought some of their rubbish, which isn't fair.” Clara didn't quite know what to say in answer to this, for the Knight groaned in such a dreadful way when he thought about it that she was quite distressed, so, by way of turning the conversation, she said : “That's a very fine animal you're riding.” “Ah! you may well say that,” said the Knight, evidently pleased, “isn't he? This horse has been in my family for years and 88 BEKNIGHTED. exclaimed, excitedly, “You make my blood run cold. There couldn't be such a thing, but even if there were—mind you, I say if there were—I should be equal to the occasion. Yes! I have made arrangements to deal even with the impossible. What do you think of that ? ” “Well! what would you do?” asked Clara, breathless with excitement. “I SHOULD RESIGN,” said the Knight, with solemn dignity. Clara was disappointed. “I knew a man who did that once,” she said, “and do you know, the funny thing was that when it was all over they wouldn't have him back. Said they didn't know what they paid him for, and lots of other rude things.” “That's all very well for common people,” the Knight rejoined, airily ; “but it couldn't happen to me. You see I am what they call an integral factor in the Constitution—you'd better look that out in the dictionary, when you get home—and they can't do without me. I'm the only one who can damp military ardour, and I was never so unhappy as when I found I couldn't damp colonial patriotism. Why! I BEKNIGHTED. 93 Yours to work out the task has been The soldiers' evolution, I am the outcome of routine—. Rot and circumlocution.” I heard him then, for I had planned, A scheme, by means of plaster To hide our faces in the sand, And thus escape disaster. I thanked him (I applaud his nerve), And made a note by stealth, That candid officers deserve Promotion to the shelf. And now whene'er I draw my screw, For playing loose and fast, I snigger in my sleeve anew, I think upon the past. And when my conscience whispers, “O! You've such a dirty slate," I smile, for it reminds me so Of that poor man I used to know, Whose ways were blunt, whose methods slow, Who was with ardour all aglow, Whose arm could deal sledge-hammer blow, Who never feared a mortal foe, 94 BEKNIGHTED. Who ran at gate like buffalo. Who fell like ninepins in a row, Who counselled “ Yes" when we said “ No," Whom we kept dodging to and fro, Until he knew not where to go, But never let his gee-gee Whoa! Who always looked so comme-il-faut, Who took to war his piano, And whom we used uncommon low, I proudly slap my chest and crow ; For it was I who made him som A-sitting on a gate. When he had finished, Clara threw herself down on the grass, and burst into a flood of tears. “ You don't seem to laugh as heartily as I had expected,” said the Knight, with a somewhat offended air. “That was a comic song." “I know, I know," sobbed Clara ; " but it seems to me that it was very sad too in places, though perhaps you did not mean it to be SO." With an effort, however, the brave little girl 98 FRIEND OR F.O.? municate with another in that off-hand manner would constitute a breach of etiquette ; it would create a precedent.” “How awful,” said Clara, stopping her ears. “Well,” said she, more to pacify him than any- thing else, “there's the Red Queen, she would make a capital messenger; see how fast she runs." “Excuse me, my dear, this requires serious thought. Allow me to think.” Thereupon the White Knight once more threw himself head foremost into the ditch. His attitude had the desired effect, and at the end of a moment or two his voice was heard. The words sounded, thought Clara, like a phonograph ; doubtless because his mouth was half full of dead leaves. “There's no help for it, you must take it yourself.” So Clara, like the obedient little girl she was, started off, turning instinctively towards the thickest part of the wood. The Foreign Office, as she expected, was surrounded by a thick belt of officialdom, and Clara slackened her pace, as she approached it. You see it was so very shady and mysterious. was FRIEND OR F.O. ? IOI gloom, she made her way, without further hesitation, to the Foreign Office itself. Again Clara's courage began to forsake her Aurino TUONI CAUTION NO ENGLISH NEED APPLY MITTATTI ICION PARLE FRANÇAIS, when she found herself gazing at this fine architectural pile. “What a lot of room there must be in a place like that—for improvement," she said to herself. 102 FRIEND OR F.O.? At the door was standing a very handsome footman, who was busily engaged in twiddling his thumbs. He glanced at Clara, superciliously, but not unkindly. “Q'est-ce que vous voulez, made- moiselle?” said he, shrugging his shoulders gracefully. "Oh!” said Clara, “why does he speak like that?” “You are Ingleesh, mees. What for you come here?” "I want to see Mr. Downing, or somebody, and give him this letter.” “You can't do that,” said the funky, “this is the Foreign Office.” And he showed her a card on which was printed :- CAUTION NO ENGLISH NEED APPLY “Now you'll understand,” he said, “why it's called the Foreign Office. You see, if you'd 106 FLAMJINGOŚ. lead. “You see,” she said, to Clara, “if I don't somebody else will, and then the muddle would be awful.” The Duchess was there, looking crosser than ever, and trembling all over when. ever her eye caught the Queen's. The Welsh Rabbit was sniffing suspiciously at a leek which they'd offered to him, but as he'd eaten a large one at Birmingham, he said he never took them now unless they were forced upon him. Then there was the White Rabbit in a new wig, the March Hare and the Hatter, and the Cat. And there, right in the background, propped up somehow on his wall again, was poor old Crumpty-Bumpty. He looked very dismal, and seemed quite out of shape, and when Clara came closer to him, she found that he was quite cracked about the Hyphen, and only held together by extracts from the Star and the Daily News. “How dare you go near that creature ? ” said the Red Queen, angrily, to Clara. “Come away at once.” “I only looked super-super-ciliously at her, when she talked to me like that,” explained Clara, to Geraldine afterwards, 108 FLAMJINGOS. my nerves wouldn't stand it. We're going to watch the Flamjingos play.” “Who are the Flamjingos?” asked Clara. “I don't think I ever heard of them before.” “Well,” replied the Duchess, “nobody seems quite to know, but they're very useful creatures, when they don't get too excited, and it's very pretty to watch them at play. She," pointing with her chin at the Red Queen, as she spoke, “would like to join in the game herself, but we restrain her.” “I wonder how you do it,” said Clara. “Hush, my dear,” the Duchess whispered, "some subjects are too sacred to be talked about, and that's one of them.” As she spoke the Procession entered a large open space in which, to her great delight, Clara saw hundreds upon hundreds of Flamjingos running about, and cackling as loudly as ever they could. They certainly were the most curious birds she had ever seen and were even more peculiar, though not of course so repulsive, as the strange creatures she had left behind her in Boerdom. They were painting everything red when Clara FLAMJINGOS. 109 came up, and each had a tin trumpet in its hand, and, tied to the feathers of its tail, a small Union Jack, which it continually waggled in the breeze. When they all blew and waggled together—which they did every three minutes —the effect was indescribable, and Clara felt as though she must choke with the patriotic feel- ings which the magnificent spectacle aroused in her breast. At the same time they all sang different songs, such as “Rule Britannia,” “Soldiers of the Queen,” “ The Absent-Minded Beggar,” and “ The British Navy,” and as none of them knew all the words of any of the songs, and sang what they did know to tunes which they invented as they went on, you will under- stand that the noise was deafening. For a long time Clara could not make out what they were playing at, but at last she found out that it was a kind of football, in which the balls were things like hedgehogs, which every now and then came out of holes in the ground in which they lay concealed. These creatures turned out to be really Slinky Pros, which had left their garden to try and get other creatures to come and live with them in Boerdom. FLAMJINGOS. III or foes a man might speak the thing he would, and clump over the head anybody who spoke the thing he wouldn't.” Clara couldn't feel very much pity for the Pros, for they seemed such dirty little creatures, and she noticed that whenever two of them did manage to meet they always began to explain to one another what wicked people their rela- tions were, and how their brothers revelled in atrocities of the most awful kind. She paid very little more attention to them, saying to herself, that it didn't matter very much after all if the Flamjingos did kick them to death, though she didn't quite like to see them doing it. So like the others she shut her eyes to it. "What do you think of the game?” asked the Duchess, rather anxiously. “Well,” said Clara, “ I'm afraid I don't quite follow it. It's very muddly up, I think.” “ You see,” said the Red Queen, decisively, “it suffers, like all football at the present day, from too much of the Pro element.” The strength of the Flamjingos appeared to be extraordinary, and Clara, who always took II2 FLAMJINGOS. great interest in questions of eating and drink- ing, asked the Red Queen what they fed on. “Declarations of war, my dear," answered the Queen, “and Regrettable Incidents.” “It must be rather an expensive sort of food,” said Clara, thoughtfully. “You may say that, child,” said the Red Queen, “ but it doesn't matter very much. The Duchess has to pay for them ; I don't. And the Pros, as you know, belong to Crumpty- Bumpty." All this time the Dalmeny Cat kept appear- ing and disappearing in the air, until at last the Red Queen noticed it and said in a very decided voice, “ That Cat must be destroyed.” “Why?” asked Clara, “ I'm sure it's a very pretty Cat, and I don't see that it is doing any harm. It's not as though it were a real Cat, you know.” “I don't know," retorted the Queen, “but I do know that I am going to call the executioner and have its head chopped off at once.” “ You can't,” said Clara, “it hasn't got body enough for that.” When the executioner, who turned out to be FLAMJINGOS. 113 the Duchess in disguise, came up, there was the most tremendous row. She couldn't hit the head of the Cat, who disappeared whenever she struck at it, and then turned up again in a fresh place while part of the crowd cheered her efforts and the rest said, “ Shame, Shame," until she was more nervous than ever. At last the hubbub and confusion grew so great that Clara thought she would never get out of it alive, and she said afterwards that she was sure she would never have escaped if it hadn't been for the Red Queen, who said, in the kindest way, “ Just watch me, my dear, and do as I do." With that the Queen and the Duchess each caught a Flamjingo, and got upon its back, and Clara after a good deal of trouble did the same. It was dreadfully uncomfortable on the Flam- wanata 114 FLAMJINGOS. jingo's back, and Clara couldn't help feeling that she looked very ridiculous, but still there seemed to be no other way of escape, so she clung on, and the Flamjingos soon carried all three out of danger. " I told you,” said the Duchess, with a soft sleepy chuckle, as she hung on to the Flam- jingo's neck, “ that sometimes they are very useful birds." CHAPTER X. QUEENS AND QUESTIONS. CLARA could never remember afterwards whether they left the Flamjingos or the Flam- jingos left them ; all she knew was that after riding for a long, long way through a great deal of mud, which splashed her frock most dread- fully, she found herself with a sort of crown on her head sitting between the Red Queen and the Duchess, who appeared to be very much out of temper with one another. "You may say what you like,” the Duchess was saying, in a discontented voice, “but I shall never get used to that kind of thing. We needn't have ridden those birds half so hard as was neve 118 QUEENS AND QUESTIONS. question, remember—and don't forget to say ‘your Majesty.'” Clara thought for a long while, and at last she said, “ Please, your Majesty, I'm not quite sure. The pay couldn't remain if it were taken away, and I shouldn't think the Yeoman would remain if he were not paid.” “So you think nothing would remain, do you?” “Yes," answered Clara, thoughtfully, “I think that must be the answer.” "Wrong,” said the Red Queen, “the Yeoman would remain. He always does, and you may thank your lucky stars it is so.” And the Duchess said, “ Really, Clara, I'm surprised at you. Any corporal could have told you that.” Clara didn't feel at all comfortable at the way they spoke to her, but she was afraid to cry before the Red Queen, and resolved to do better next time. "If,” asked the Duchess, “ you were really a queen-which you aren't yet you know—and somebody like her Red Majesty kept pushing you into all sorts of places you didn't like, and ce DRAGON AND TURNTURTLE. 127 “Oh, you,” replied the Turnturtle, “mine's so sad, and besides I've got a sermon to prepare SIM 6.10 WITHIN www COM I (ILL RS on brotherly love, with an excursus on the proper treatment of our black brother, and I can be thinking it out while you're talking." DRAGON AND TURNTURTLE. 129 keep the dissectors away from me for ever so long on condition he has my head when they do begin.” “ But wouldn't the Duchess protect you?” asked Clara, in surprise. Both creatures burst into a roar of laughter. “She protect me!” cried the Dragon. “Why,” bellowed the Turnturtle ; “she can't even protect herself against a simple rustic person like me. You've only to roar at her and she runs away at once.” “ You surprise me,” said Clara, “I always understood she had such a resolute disposition.” The Dragon grinned. “Ask her about Port Arthur,” he said. “And Venezuela,” said the Turnturtle. “You see,” said the Dragon, “she never went to a really good school like we did.” “I've been to a good school too,” said Clara, “if it comes to that.' “What did they teach you there?" inquired the Turnturtle, anxiously. "Reading, Writing and Arithmetic,” replied Clara, “but I'm afraid I was never much good at the last.” 130 DRAGON AND TURNTURTLE. “At ours,” said the Dragon, " they taught us Bleeding and Blighting, thoroughly.” “And,” said the Turnturtle, “I was taught Mathematics—Sedition, Abstraction, Stultifica- tion, and Provision.” “What's the use of Provision ?” asked Clara. “To teach you how to provide for yourself, of course," said the Turnturtle. “I mastered that rule.” “But didn't they teach you any real sums like the Rule-of-Three ? ” asked Clara. “No,” replied the Turnturtle, scornfully, “I worked that out for myself, and the answer was, ‘Steyn, Schreiner, and ME.'”. The Dragon, who didn't seem to care much for questions of modern education, said abruptly to the Turnturtle : “ That professional spouter of yours, Doctor Leyds, wasn't exactly a top- side success, was he? Clever young fellow, too. Nice, gentleman-like manners, good address. Christian, too, I understand?” “They imposed upon him," snapped the Turnturtle; “and he, poor fellow, without knowing it, I'm sure, imposed upon me.” nan SS. DRAGON AND TURNTURTLE. 133 Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the fight, Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the fight. “ O think of the religious life !" the wily Boer replied, " IVhile Britain's here we cannot tan the Kaffir's heathen hide ; The further off is England the more we can unite, To sweat the blacks, with lash and tax, so come and join the fight ! Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the fight? Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the fight ? " When the Turnturtle broke off, sobbing un- constrainedly, the Dragon turned to Clara, and solemnly winked his eye. “You know better than that, don't you?” he asked. “Now, just oblige me, little girl, by standing up, hands behind your back, and re- peating, • 'Tis the voice of the Sluggard. It will do our friend here a world of good. Begin firmly, and grow feeble as you go on." Clara was so used to being ordered about by 13+ DRAGON AND TURNTURTLE. OW this time that she never thought of refusing this request, and standing up immediately, she re- cited the well-known poem, in the following fashion :-- 'Tis the voice of Aunt Sarum—" You'd better take care, If you do that again I shall ruffle your hair.” As the sand to an Ostrich, so words are to her, She can bury herself in a threat, und not stir, When the foe's giving in, she's as fierce as a Dragon, She will pull off his clothes till he hasn't a rag on ; But when he says “NO!” and stamps hard on the ground, Her voice has a timid and tremulous sound. “The next verse," said the Dragon. “ It begins with, "I passed by his garden.' Go ahead.” And Clara went on :- I looked in at China and marked without fright, How the Bear and the Froggy were putting things right; The Froggy got promises splendid and grand While the Bear was content with a bird in the hand; When the bargain was over, the Bear, rather blown, With great condescension accepted a loan, While the Froggy received only papers and seals, And concluded the business by kic ....." DRAGON AND TURNTURTLE. 135 “What is the use of repeating all that stuff?” interrupted the Turnturtle. “It doesn't contain one word about independence! Pure balder- dash!” “Yes, I think you'd better leave off,” said the Dragon, uneasily. “I didn't at all like your reference to the Bear, though your omission of England from the conclusion of the bargain was remarkably fine-remarkably. Quite masterly !" “England !” cried the Turnturtle; “ the name is poison to me! And oh, I used to think that it was poison to everybody else, and I thought I had only to say, “Down with Eng- land,' and all the rest of the world would flock sword in hand to South Africa.” "Well, so they did, some of them,” answered Clara. “ There were the Australians and Canadians, and contingents from India and Ceylon. Did you want any more?” “Not of that sort,” sighed the Turnturtle. “ And they came mounted !” Clara grew a little red, “ They're still a little uncivilised in those parts,” she said, apologeti- cally, “and we tried to stop them, you know.” DRAGON AND TURNTURTLE. 137 Break their oath, and sing hymns before Potting an ambulance-beautiful War ! Beau—ootiful Wa-ar! Beau—ootiful Wa—ar ! Wa—ar against Eng—Eng—land, Beautiful, beauti-Ful WAR ! “Chorus again!” cried the Dragon, who was laughing consumedly, but the Turnturtle burst into such a flow of tears that Clara, who was really very tender-hearted, and who feared she might be tempted to give the Turtle anything he asked, took to her heels and ran with all her might to find the Red Queen. “I feel rather faint,” she thought, “and I want a little bolstering up." ON THE CARDS. 139 “Oh, they're not that sort at all, Miss,” said the Rabbit, very politely, “these are the writs inviting everybody to the great trial where there's no prisoner, and where pretty nearly all the company ought to be in the dock. I've got one for you among the rest.” "But I don't belong to the trial at all,” com- plained Clara. “ I'm what you call detached.” “Well you'll find you'd better come, whether or no,” retorted the Rabbit. “I suppose you don't want to have the verdict go against you, do you ?" At this moment there was a great ringing of bells, and blowing of fog-horns, and, as every- thing seemed to be dissolving all round her, Clara ran as hard as she could to the big building which the Rabbit said was the Court- House. When she got inside she found that the trial had already begun, and that everybody was accusing everybody else of all the crimes he could think of. On the bench sat Britannia (“ looking for all the world like a middle-aged mermaid without a tail,” said Clara, afterwards). She seemed 140 ON THE CARDS. dreadfully confused by all the noise and bluster. She wore her helmet over her wig, and was Quinto CWB ore m TURIU trying very hard to look judicial, but it was quite plain that she could not make out in the ON THE CARDS. 141 least what all the dispute was about, and again and again implored somebody to tell her. By her side crouched a stuffed lion, with a much twisted tail, which roared mechanically when she dug it in the ribs. This she did, whenever she did not quite know what else to do. "You see, I don't understand politics, and I don't know why they make me pretend that I care what happens,” said Britannia, to Clara. “You're evidently quite at sea here,” piped the White King, in a squeaky voice, as he struggled hard to climb up the pinnacle of fame. “At sea?” cried Britannia. “I wish I was at sea. The Flamjingos keep telling me I rule the waves, but I can't rule a straight line in politics anyhow. Nobody can.” "I'll guide your hand, when I get up there,” squeaked the White King, swarming up the pinnacle, as if he thought the lion was going to bite him. He puffed and blew so hard that Clara picked him up between her finger and thumb, and placed him safely on the top of the wool- sack. “ You know,” he said, looking round the ON THE CARDS. 143 and trying to strangle one another, were received with cheers and groans, and the Walrus and the Carpenter with groans and cheers. The Duchess, who tried to push a great many people in through a side door, was turned out again with extreme violence, and told to mind her own business, and the fitful appearances of the Dalmeny Cat were greeted with tempests of execration. Some of the people pretended to be very fond of the Cat, and called, “ Puss ! puss !” but when it came close to them they abused it, and tried to hit it. At last it became so disgusted that it threatened to vanish for good and all, and never come near the Court again ; but it kept returning fitfully. At last Clara thought it had really gone; but, suddenly, she looked up, and there it was with Britannia and the White King on the platform. “What are you doing up there?” asked Clara, surprised. “That's the place for the Judges.” “I know," said the Cat, “I have elected myself a judge of things in general. It's not so worrying.” And the Court agreed 144 ON THE CARDS. S to look upon it in that capacity for the future. “ What are all those oysters in that box for ? ” asked Clara, of the White Rabbit, “and why do they keep writing crosses on bits of paper ? “Those are the people that ran away from the Walrus and the Carpenter. They're the jury, who have to come to decisions, and they make those marks to show that they are all at cross purposes and don't know their own minds." The noise was so great that it was all the White Rabbit could do to make himself heard. He shouted, “ Order! Order!” continually, and at last he said to Britannia, almost crossly, “I do wish you wouldn't make that lion roar so.” When the tumult had a little subsided Crumpty-Bumpty, who was heavily fettered by prejudice, managed somehow to attract the attention of the jury, and demanded to be allowed to give his evidence. "But,” said poor Britannia, “there isn't any- body to give evidence against, and I'm sure I don't know what you're all talking about.” "You just wait, Mum,” shouted Crumpty- Bumpty, “ till you've heard what I've got to say ON THE CARDS. on you.” But all the time she kept on feeling herself growing stronger, and bigger, and bigger, and stronger, until she said to herself, “I don't care if she does go. Half the creatures here are make-believe, and the rest pasteboard. Why I believe they're only a pack of rubbish after all.” " Pack,” cried the Red Queen, “well, what do you expect at a political meeting? We have to pack them all at the present day.” Then everything became confused and all sense of proportion was lost. The furniture began to move about, and the building rocked to its foundations. People who were seated found themselves suddenly out in the cold, and people who were standing were unexpectedly hustled into most uncomfortable seats. Every- thing trembled in the balance. Above the con- fusion rose cries of “Bribery,” “Corruption,” “ Lies," and all sorts of creatures crowded upon poor Clara until she cried out for her Aunt Sarum to take her home. But the more she cried the more they all hustled her, until at last all the creatures rose in the air and came flying in her face. es rose DIV 150 ON THE CARDS. “Why, I do believe,” said Clara, “ that you're nothing but a lot of pictures. There's nothing in you after all.” But Clara was mistaken, for when they fell face downwards Clara saw that on their backs were the most dreadful legends ; such as- “City of LONDON—Two Anti-VACCIN- ATIONISTS, SEVEN VEGETARIANS, AND AN ANTI-GAMBLER ;” “KENT—SEVEN TEETOTALERS, AND A DECEASED WIFE'S SISTER;" “ BIRMINGHAM_Four SOCIALISTS, Two PECULIAR PEOPLE, AND A FIELD CORNET,'' and things like that. She closed her eyes so as not to read the writing upon them, but they only came thicker and thicker, and faster and faster until * * * * * * Clara thought she had better wake up. * * * * * * And it was time.