We Are Defining Love the Wrong Way | Time Sign In My Account Manage Account FAQs Sign Out Subscribe Person of the Year 2020 Frontline Health Workers Racial-Justice Organizers Newsletter My Account Manage Account FAQs Sign Out Sign In Sections Home U.S. Politics World Health Personal Finance by NextAdvisor Business Tech Entertainment Ideas Science History Newsfeed Sports Magazine Video TIME100 Talks The TIME Vault TIME for Kids TIME Edge Join Us Newsletters Subscribe Give a Gift Shop the TIME Store Reach Out Careers Press Room Contact the Editors U.S. Customer Service E.U. Customer Service Asia Customer Service Reprints and Permissions More Privacy Policy Your California Privacy Rights Terms of Use Site Map Connect with Us Ideas relationships We Are Defining Love the Wrong Way We Are Defining Love the Wrong Way Getty Images Ideas By Rabbi David Wolpe February 16, 2016 11:47 AM EST Wolpe is the Max Webb Senior Rabbi of Sinai Temple in Los Angeles, the author of eight books and has been named one of the 50 most influential Jews in the world by the Jerusalem Post. It is time to change the meaning of the word “love.” The word is mostly used according to the first definition given in the dictionary: “an intense feeling of deep affection.” In other words, love is what one feels. After years spent speaking with couples before, during and after marriage; and of talking to parents and children struggling with their relationships, I am convinced of the partiality of the definition. Love should be seen not as a feeling but as an enacted emotion. To love is to feel and act lovingly. Too many women have told me, bruises visible on their faces, that the husbands who struck them love them. Since they see love as a feeling, the word hides the truth, which is that you do not love someone whom you repeatedly beat and abuse. You may have very strong feelings about them, you may even believe you cannot live without them, but you do not love them. The first love mentioned in the Bible is not romantic love, but parental love (Genesis 22). When a child is born, the parent’s reaction to this person, who so recently did not exist, is to feel that “I would do anything for her.” In the doing is the love—the feeling is enacted. That is why we often hear the phrase “you don’t act like you love me.” We know in our bones that love is not a feeling alone, but a feeling that flows into the world in action. Between human beings, love is a relational word. Yes, you can love things that do not love you back—the sky or a mountain or a painting or the game of chess. But the love of other people is directional. There is a lover and a beloved—you don’t just love, but you love at someone. And real love is not only about the feelings of the lover; it is not egotism. It is when one person believes in another person and shows it. In Fiddler on the Roof, when Tevye asks Golde whether she loves him after a quarter century of marriage, her wry answer is exactly on point: For twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes Cooked your meals, cleaned the house Given you children, milked your cow She asks then, “If that’s not love, what is?” Of course it is possible to perform all sorts of duties for someone and feel little or nothing for them. Love is not about being hired help. Love is not an obligation done with a cold soul. But neither is it a passion that expresses itself in cruelty, or one that does not express itself at all. The feeling must be wedded to the deed. We would have a healthier conception of love if we understood that love, like parenting or friendship, is a feeling that expresses itself in action. What we really feel is reflected in what we do. The poet’s song is dazzling and the passion powerful, but the deepest beauty of love is how it changes lives. Most Popular on TIME 1 Joe Biden and Kamala Harris Are TIME's 2020 Person of the Year 2 The Trump Administration's 'Operation Warp Speed' Has Spent $12.4 Billion on Vaccines. How Much Is That, Really? 3 Electoral College Makes It Officials Sign up for Inside TIME. Be the first to see the new cover of TIME and get our most compelling stories delivered straight to your inbox. Please enter a valid email address. Sign Up Now Check the box if you do not wish to receive promotional offers via email from TIME. You can unsubscribe at any time. By signing up you are agreeing to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply. Thank you! For your security, we've sent a confirmation email to the address you entered. Click the link to confirm your subscription and begin receiving our newsletters. If you don't get the confirmation within 10 minutes, please check your spam folder. Contact us at letters@time.com. TIME Ideas hosts the world's leading voices, providing commentary on events in news, society, and culture. We welcome outside contributions. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of TIME editors. SHARE THIS STORY Read More From TIME Related Stories Read Next What Whitney Houston's National Anthem Taught Me About America Next Up: Editor's Pick The Story Behind TIME's 2020 Person of the Year Covers EDIT POST → Get more TIME. Create a free account. Go Now. Celebrate TIME's Person of the Year 1 year for $20 Sale Ends December 17th SUBSCRIBE NOW Sign Up for Newsletters Sign up to receive the top stories you need to know now on politics, health and more SUBSCRIBE Home U.S. Politics World Health Personal Finance by NextAdvisor Business Tech Entertainment Ideas Science History Newsfeed Sports Magazine The TIME Vault TIME For Kids TIME Edge Video Masthead Newsletters Subscribe Give a Gift Shop the TIME Store Careers Press Room Contact the Editors U.S. Customer Service E.U. Customer Service Asia Customer Service Reprints and Permissions Site Map © 2020 TIME USA, LLC. All Rights Reserved. Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our Terms of Use, Privacy Policy (Your California Privacy Rights) and Do Not Sell My Personal Information. TIME may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website. Offers may be subject to change without notice. This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy Terms of Service apply.