Emotional blackmail - Wikipedia Emotional blackmail From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Jump to navigation Jump to search Emotional blackmail and FOG are terms, popularized by psychotherapist Susan Forward, about controlling people in relationships and the theory that fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled. Understanding these dynamics is useful to anyone trying to extricate oneself from the controlling behavior of another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.[1] Contents 1 General 2 Types 3 Patterns and characteristics 3.1 Addictions 3.2 Mental illness 3.3 Codependency 3.4 Affluenza and children 3.5 Assertiveness training 4 Recovery 5 Cultural examples 6 Criticism 7 See also 8 References General[edit] The first documented use of "emotional blackmail" appeared in 1947 in the Journal of the National Association of Deans of Women in the article "Emotional Blackmail Climate". The term was used to describe one type of problematic classroom control model often used by teachers.[2] Esther Vilar, an Argentine physician, also used the term "emotional blackmail" in the early 1970s to describe a parenting strategy observed among some mothers with multiple children.[3] Emotional blackmail typically involves two people who have established a close personal or intimate relationship (parent and child, spouses, siblings, or two close friends).[4] Children, too, will employ special pleading and emotional blackmail to promote their own interests, and self-development, within the family system.[5] Emotional blackmailers use fear, obligation and guilt in their relationships, ensuring that others feel afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and swamped by guilt if they resist. Knowing that someone close to them wants love, approval or confirmation of identity and self-esteem, blackmailers may threaten to withhold them (e.g., withhold love) or take them away altogether, making the second person feel they must earn them by agreement.[6] Fear, obligation or guilt is commonly referred to as "FOG". FOG is a contrived acronym—a play on the word "fog" which describes something that obscures and confuses a situation or someone's thought processes. The person who is acting in a controlling way often wants something from the other person that is legitimate to want. They may want to feel loved, safe, valuable, appreciated, supported, needed, etc. This is not the problem. The problem is often more a matter of how they are going about getting what they want, or that they are insensitive to others' needs in doing so that is troubling—and how others react to all of this.[1] Under pressure, one may become a sort of hostage, forced to act under pressure of the threat of responsibility for the other's breakdown.[7] One could fall into a pattern of letting the blackmailer control his/her decisions and behavior, lost in what Doris Lessing described as "a sort of psychological fog".[8] Types[edit] Forward and Frazier identify four blackmail types each with their own mental manipulation style:[9] Type Example Punisher's threat Eat the food I cooked for you or I'll hurt you. Self-punisher's threat Eat the food I cooked for you or I'll hurt myself. Sufferer's threat Eat the food I cooked for you. I was saving it for myself. I wonder what will happen now. Tantalizer's threat Eat the food I cooked for you and you just may get a really yummy dessert. There are different levels of demands—demands that are of little consequence, demands that involve important issues or personal integrity, demands that affect major life decisions, and/or demands that are dangerous or illegal.[1] Patterns and characteristics[edit] Addictions[edit] Addicts often believe that being in control is how to achieve success and happiness in life. People who follow this rule use it as a survival skill, having usually learned it in childhood. As long as they make the rules, no one can back them into a corner with their feelings.[10] Mental illness[edit] People with certain mental conditions are predisposed to controlling behavior including those with paranoid personality disorder,[11] borderline personality disorder,[12] and narcissistic personality disorder.[13] People with borderline personality disorder are particularly likely to use emotional blackmail[12] (as too are destructive narcissists).[13] However, their actions may be impulsive and driven by fear and a desperate sense of hopelessness, rather than being the product of any conscious plan.[14] Codependency[edit] Codependency often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[15] Affluenza and children[edit] Affluenza—the status insecurity derived from obsessively keeping up with the Joneses—has been linked by Oliver James to a pattern of childhood training whereby sufferers were "subjected to a form of emotional blackmail as toddlers. Their mothers' love becomes conditional on exhibiting behaviour that achieved parental goals."[16] Assertiveness training[edit] Assertiveness training encourages people to not engage in fruitless back-and-forths or power struggles with the emotional blackmailer but instead to repeat a neutral statement, such as "I can see how you feel that way," or, if pressured to eat, say "No thank you, I'm not hungry." They are taught to keep their statements within certain boundaries in order not to capitulate to coercive nagging, emotional blackmail, or bullying.[17] Recovery[edit] Techniques for resisting emotional blackmail include strengthening personal boundaries, resisting demands, developing a power statement—the determination to stand the pressure—and buying time to break old patterns. Re-connecting with the autonomous parts of the self the blackmailer had over-ruled is not necessarily easy.[9] One may feel guilty based on emotional blackmail, even while recognizing the guilt as induced and irrational;[18] but still be able to resist overcompensating, and ignore the blackmailer's attempt to gain attention by way of having a tantrum.[19] Consistently ignoring the manipulation in a friendly way may however lead to its intensification, and threats of separation,[20] or to accusations of being "crazy" or a "home wrecker".[9] Cultural examples[edit] Angela Carter described Beauty and the Beast as glorifying emotional blackmail on the part of the Beast, as a means of controlling his target, Beauty.[21] Novelist Doris Lessing claimed that “I became an expert in emotional blackmail by the time I was five."[22] Criticism[edit] Daniel Miller objects that in popular psychology the idea of emotional blackmail has been misused as a defense against any form of fellow-feeling or consideration for others.[23] Labeling of this dynamic with inflammatory terms such as "blackmail" and "manipulation" may not be so helpful as it is both polarizing and it implies premeditation and malicious intent which is often not the case. Controlling behavior and being controlled is a transaction between two people with both playing a part.[1] See also[edit] Abusive power and control Appeal to emotion Codependency Coercive persuasion Double bind Family nexus Guilt trip Mind games Persuasion Punishment (psychology) References[edit] ^ a b c d Johnson, R. Skip (16 August 2014). "Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)". BPDFamily.com. Retrieved 18 October 2014. ^ "Unknown". Journal of the National Association of Deans of Women. 11-12: 10. 1947. Cite uses generic title (help) ^ "To instill obedience into an only child, the mother has to evolve complex methods to outsmart and persuade it, and get it to see reason; or it has to be punished. Since this is a nuisance, mother usually leaves it to father. Several children, on the other hand, can be trained by emotional blackmail. As they are all dependent on their mother's approval, she has only to show a slight preference for one and the others will do anything she tells them to. Every child lives in constant fear that its mother will 'withdraw' her love and give it to some one else." Villar, Esther (1972). The Manipulated Man, Bantam/Farrar, Straus and Giroux, Inc. ^ Stanlee Phelps/Nancy Austin, The Assertive Woman (1987) p. 133 ^ Nigel Rapport ed., British Subjects (Oxford 2002) p. 141 ^ Gavin Miller, R. D. Laing (2004) p. 52 ^ Jean Baudrillard, The Revenge of the Crystal (1999) p. 174 ^ Doris Lessing, The Golden Notebook (1973) p. 554 ^ a b c Susan Forward/Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail (London 1997) p. 28, 82, 145, 169 ^ Fenley, Jr., James L. Finding a Purpose in the Pain (2012) ^ Goldberg, MD, Joseph (23 May 2014). "Paranoid Personality Disorder". Retrieved 20 October 2014. ^ a b Braiker, Harriet B., Who's Pulling Your Strings? How to Break The Cycle of Manipulation (2006) ^ a b Nina W. Brown, Children of the Self-Absorbed (2008) p. 35 ^ Blaise A. Aguirre, Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents (2007) p. 73-4 ^ Codependents Anonymous: Patterns and Characteristics Archived 2013-08-24 at the Wayback Machine ^ Oliver James, Britain on the Couch (London 1998) p. 66 ^ Sue Bishop, Develop Your Assertiveness (2006) p. 13 ^ Mary Barnes and Joseph Berke, Mary Barnes (1974) p. 284 ^ Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person (1961) p. 320 ^ Robin Skynner/John Cleese, Life and how to survive it (London 1993) p. 349 and p. 352 ^ Aiden Day, Angela Carter: The Rational Glass (1998) p. 138 ^ Gayle, Green, Doris Lessing: The Poetics of Change (1997) p. 9 ^ Daniel Miller, The Comfort of Things (2008) p. 41 Links to related articles v t e Psychological manipulation Rewarding: pleasant (positive reinforcement) Attention Bribery Child grooming Flattery Gifts Ingratiation Love bombing Nudging Praise Seduction Smiling Superficial charm Superficial sympathy Aversive: unpleasant (positive punishment) Anger Character assassination Crying Emotional blackmail Fearmongering Frowning Glaring Guilt trip Inattention Intimidation Nagging Nit-picking criticism Passive aggression Relational aggression Sadism Shaming Silent treatment Social rejection Swearing Threats Victim blaming Victim playing Yelling Intermittent or partial negative reinforcement Climate of fear Traumatic bonding Other techniques Bait-and-switch Deception Denial Deplatforming Deprogramming Disinformation Distortion Diversion Divide and rule Double bind Entrapment Evasion Exaggeration Gaslighting Good cop/bad cop Indoctrination Low-balling Lying Minimisation Moving the goalposts Pride-and-ego down Rationalization Reid technique Setting up to fail Trojan horse You're either with us, or against us Contexts Abuse Abusive power and control Advertising Bullying Catholic guilt Confidence trick Guilt culture Interrogation Jewish mother stereotype Moral panic Media manipulation Mind control Mind games Mobbing Propaganda Salesmanship Scapegoating Shame culture Smear campaign Social engineering (blagging) Spin Suggestibility Whispering campaign Related topics Antisocial personality disorder Assertiveness Blame Borderline personality disorder Carrot and stick Dumbing down Enabling Fallacy Femme fatale Gaming the system Gullibility Histrionic personality disorder Impression management Machiavellianism Narcissism Narcissistic personality disorder Personal boundaries Persuasion Popularity Projection Psychopathy Guilt-Shame-Fear spectrum of cultures v t e Borderline personality disorder General Dimensional models of personality disorders Impulse control disorders Trauma model of mental disorders Misdiagnosis of borderline personality disorder Symptoms and behaviors Dissociation Eating disorders Emotional dysregulation Feelings of emptiness Hypersexuality Idealization and devaluation Impulsivity Mood swings Projection Self-harm Splitting Suicidal ideation Management Dialectical behavior therapy Dynamic deconstructive psychotherapy McLean Hospital Mentalization-based treatment Schema therapy Social psychiatry Transference focused psychotherapy Family challenges BPDFamily (support group) Codependency Complex PTSD Emotional blackmail Family estrangement Personal boundaries v t e Emotions (list) Emotions Acceptance Adoration Aesthetic emotions Affection Agitation Agony Amusement Anger Angst Anguish Annoyance Anticipation Anxiety Apathy Arousal Attraction Awe Boredom Calmness Compassion Confidence Contempt Contentment Courage Cruelty Curiosity Defeat Depression Desire Despair Disappointment Disgust Distrust Ecstasy Embarrassment Vicarious Empathy Enthrallment Enthusiasm Envy Euphoria Excitement Fear Flow (psychology) Frustration Gratification Gratitude Greed Grief Guilt Happiness Hatred Hiraeth Homesickness Hope Horror Hostility Humiliation Hygge Hysteria Indulgence Infatuation Insecurity Inspiration Interest Irritation Isolation Jealousy Joy Kindness Loneliness Longing Love Limerence Lust Mono no aware Neglect Nostalgia Outrage Panic Passion Pity Self-pity Pleasure Pride Grandiosity Hubris Insult Vanity Rage Regret Social connection Rejection Remorse Resentment Sadness Melancholy Saudade Schadenfreude Sehnsucht Self-confidence Sentimentality Shame Shock Shyness Sorrow Spite Stress Suffering Surprise Sympathy Tenseness Trust Wonder Worry World views Cynicism Defeatism Nihilism Optimism Pessimism Reclusion Weltschmerz Related Affect consciousness in education measures in psychology Affective computing forecasting neuroscience science spectrum Affectivity positive negative Appeal to emotion Emotion and art and memory and music and sex classification evolution expressed functional accounts group homeostatic perception recognition in conversation in animals regulation interpersonal work Emotional aperture bias blackmail competence conflict contagion detachment dysregulation eating exhaustion expression intelligence and bullying intimacy isolation lability labor lateralization literacy prosody reasoning responsivity security selection symbiosis well-being Emotionality bounded Emotions and culture in decision-making in the workplace in virtual communication history moral self-conscious social social sharing sociology Feeling Gender and emotional expression Group affective tone Interactions between the emotional and executive brain systems Meta-emotion Pathognomy Pathos Social emotional development Stoic passions Theory affect appraisal discrete emotion somatic marker constructed emotion Retrieved from "https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Emotional_blackmail&oldid=993325355" Categories: Emotional issues Psychological abuse Psychological manipulation Control (social and political) Popular psychology Hidden categories: CS1 errors: generic title CS1: long volume value Webarchive template wayback links Navigation menu Personal tools Not logged in Talk Contributions Create account Log in Namespaces Article Talk Variants Views Read Edit View history More Search Navigation Main page Contents Current events Random article About Wikipedia Contact us Donate Contribute Help Learn to edit Community portal Recent changes Upload file Tools What links here Related changes Upload file Special pages Permanent link Page information Cite this page Wikidata item Print/export Download as PDF Printable version Languages العربية Български Čeština Español Bahasa Indonesia Polski Română 中文 Edit links This page was last edited on 10 December 2020, at 01:09 (UTC). Text is available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License; additional terms may apply. By using this site, you agree to the Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. Wikipedia® is a registered trademark of the Wikimedia Foundation, Inc., a non-profit organization. Privacy policy About Wikipedia Disclaimers Contact Wikipedia Mobile view Developers Statistics Cookie statement