A step to the Bath with a character of the place. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1700 Approx. 65 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67524 Wing W758 ESTC R38065 17164340 ocm 17164340 106093 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67524) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 106093) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1161:20) A step to the Bath with a character of the place. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 16 p. Printed and sold by J. How ..., London : 1700. Attributed to Ward by Wing and NUC pre-1956 imprints. Advertisement: verso of t.p. Imperfect: stained. Reproduction of original in the Bristol Public Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Bath (England) -- Fiction. Bath (England) -- Description and travel. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-04 Jennifer Kietzman Sampled and proofread 2003-04 Jennifer Kietzman Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion A STEP TO THE BATH : WITH A CHARACTER OF THE PLACE . LONDON , Printed and Sold by I. How , in the Ram-Head-Inn-Yard , in Fanchurch-street , 1700. Books Printed and Sold by J. How , in the Ram-Head-Inn - Yard in Fenchurch-street ; and by M. Fabian , at Mercers-Chappel . 1. SOt's Paradise : Or the Humours of a Derby-Ale-House ; With a Satyr upon the Ale. Price Six Pence . 2. A Trip to Iamaica : With a True Character of the People and Island . Price Six Pence . 3. Eclesia & Factio . A Dialogue between Bow-Steeple-Dragon , and the Exchange-Grashopper . Price Six Pence . 4. The Poet 's Ramble after Riches . With Reflections upon a Country Corporation . Also the Author's Lamentation in the time of Adversity . Price Six Pence . 5. A Trip to New-England . With a Character of the Country and People , both English and Indians . Price Six Pence . 6. Modern Religion and Ancient Loyalty : A Dialogue . Price Six Pence . 7. The World Bewitch'd . A Dialogue between Two Astrologers and the Author . With Infallible Predictions of what will happen from the Vices and Villanies Practis'd in Court , City and Country . Price Six Pence . 8. A Walk to Islington : With a Description of New Tunbridge - VVells , and Sadler's Musick-House . Price Six Pence . 9. The Humours of a Coffee-House : A Comedy . Price Six Pence . 10. A Frolick to Horn-Fair . With a Walk from Cuckold's-Point thro' Deptford and Greenwich . Price Six-Pence . 11. The Dancing-School . With the Adventures of the Easter-Holy-Days . Price Six Pence . 12. The First Volume of the LONDON-SPY : In Twelve Parts . 13. The Second Volume of the LONDON-SPY : In Six Parts . Price Six Pence each ; or they may be had both Volumes Bound together ; and also Bound with the rest of the Authors Writings . 14. The Metamorphos'd Beau , &c. 15. The English Nun , &c. 16. Laugh and be Fat : Or , an Antidote against Melancholy . Containing great variety of Comical Intrigues in Town and Country . To which is added Nine Delightful Tales . Price IS . A STEP TO THE BATH . THE Town , and its Diversions , being grown as Stale as a Cast-off Mistress ; and the chiefest of its Inhabitants withdrawn to their Rural Pleasures ; and Duns as Impudent as D — the Poulterian Officer : So that being Bereav'd of the one , and damnably Fatigu'd by the other ; Necessity , the Mother of Invention , oblig'd me to take a Country Journey , for Self-preservation sake ; having Money to Spend , tho' none to Pay. And the last Summers Expedition at the Wells , not agreeing with my present Constitution , and my Inclinations being bent after Novelties , I resolv'd to Steer my Course Westward , to see what Pleasure those Pools of Iniquity , call'd the BATH , would afford me . In order for which , I presently took Hack , and bid him drive me to that terrible Sign the Sarazens-Head in Friday-street , where I gave Earnest for a Place in the following Mondays Coach ; but being Saturday , and late in the Season , I thought I should have no reason to Curse my Company , for mine was the first that was taken : But my Tun-Belly'd Hostess , to Encourage me , said , That notwithstanding 't was so late in the Week , she doubted not but there would be more Places taken before Night . In hopes of which , I left her to prepare for my approaching Journey ; and Money being the Life of the Cause , I muster'd up a pretty tolerable Sum , and for conveniency of Carriage , converted it into the Noblest of Metals . Then I began to think of the Redemption of several Captivated Necessaries , which an Unlucky Accident had brought into Bondage ; as an Vltramarine Ioseph , a Pocket Monitor of Tompion's Composing , and a Silver Hilted Ripp of the Isebrook's Temper ; three as necessary Implements for a Traveller , as Goose , Yard , and Sheers , for a Taylor . Well , to Egypt I went , and Redeem'd them from Slavery . And by reason I would be ready on Monday Morning , I went to Lye at the Inn on Sunday Night ; and Enquiring of the Tapster what Company I was like to have , he said more he believ'd than I desir'd ; for there was four Places taken just after I went , and three of the Passengers were in the House , and to Lye there that Night ; the other was for a Merchant of Bristol . Then asking what those in the House were , he told me two Gentlewomen and their Maid Servant , who were just going to Supper . Whereupon I bid him go and give my Service to 'em , and tell 'em I was to Travel with 'em to Morrow , and should take it as a great favour , if they would please to Honour me so far , as to admit me into their Company , for I was alone . The Fellow brought word they desir'd me to walk in , and they should be very glad of mine . This being what I wanted , in I went ; and after a few Ceremonial Complements , and begging pardon for my Rudeness , I told them I was afraid I should have gone alone , but now I found I should be Bless'd beyond my Hopes , in having the Honour , or rather Happiness , of their good Company . I wish , Sir , reply'd one of 'em , it may answer your expectation , for our Sex is counted but very indifferent Company to Travel with , and you are like to be Fatigu'd with three of us . As for Children , and Testy Age , Madam , answer'd I , I agree in the Opinion ; but otherwise , condemn it as Erroneous : And for your Number , The More the Merrier . That 's according as it proves , Sir , said she ; neither would I have you Flatter your self too soon , least your hopes should prove abortive , but rather referr you to old Saffold ' s Advice , Read , Try , Judge , and speak as you find . I must confess , Madam , answer'd I , Experience is the only Touch-stone ; but I shall be mightily deceiv'd in my Politicks , if it does not make good my Assertion . I Presume , Sir , said the other Lady , You have Studyed Saunders , and are well Vers'd in Physiognomy , or you could never pretend to so much Fore-knowledge . At which I Crav'd the Honour of seeing her Hand , telling her , I had some little Skill in Palmestry , by which Art I perceiv'd she requir'd not much Castration ; which made them both Laugh : And the first Lady ask'd me , if I had any Skill in Chiromancy , for the same Author Profest both . I told her no ; but was satisfied she had ; for her Charms had rais'd such a Spirit in me , that I knew not how to lay it without her Assistance . I never understood Magick , I Protest , Sir , reply'd she , and am mightily afraid of a Spirit : Therefore let 's Discourse no more of such Vnruly things , that neither of us know how to Govern. Your Power is as absolute in Laying as in Raising of them , Lady , answer'd I ; but since 't is your Pleasure , your Command shall be Obey'd , and I 'll Shape my Discourse to what Subject you Please . But Supper coming in , they desir'd me to sit down with them , and having more Manners than to refuse so good a Proffer , I comply'd with their Request , and fed very Heartily . The Glass went Briskly about , that we were as Merry , as a knot of joval Tinkers over a Cup of Nappy-Ale , and I began to like my Company extraordinary well ; but the Charming Inchantress and I , interchang'd so many learing Ogles , that I could hardly mind our Discourse ; Yet I understood so much , that she was a Widdow , the other a Wife , and both Sisters , and also Strangers to the Place they were going to , as well as I ; and had no other Call but Recreation ; But I was for fulfilling the Scriptures , in comforting the Widdow . Supper being ended , they call'd for a Bill , which was presently brought ; out I lugg'd , and was going to Discharge , but they begg'd my Pardon , and would by no means suffer me ; telling me I must submit to the Rule that is generally observ'd in Travelling , for the Major of either Sex to Treat the Minor. I must Acknowledge , Ladies , said I , 't is an Old Custome so to do , but we are not now on the Road ; however that Avail'd not , they pleaded the Prerogative of the Majority , and carry'd it Nolens Volens . Seeing they were so Resolute , I dispenc'd with the Affront , considering I had often put up a greater , and would not press too hard least it should prevail ; but that was a needless Thought , for the Young Widdow drew from between her Snowy Breasts , a Purse Cramm'd as full of Yellow-Boys , as a Clerk of a Markets Bag of Copper Iohn's , and Discharg'd the whole . Seeing of which , I thought I could do no less in Honour than call for my Flask ; Craving Leave to present them with it as my Foy ; and being a little Elevated with the Noble Juice , we were as jocund and frollicksome , as a Countrey-Vicar at a Gossiping . In came the Wine , without Disputing who should pay for it ; but at last , Night , the Lovers Bliss , and Bane of good Company , Oblig'd us to withdraw to our Chambers . Upon which , I told the Ladies , I should think the time very tedious till I should be so happy as to Enjoy their good Company again . We are apter to believe Sir , answered they , you will think the Iourney so , by reason of the Dullness of it . Say what I will , Ladies , said I , you Foy'l me with my own Weapons , and are pleas'd to retort my Words to their own Centre . So after a profound Cringe or two , with a Gripe of the Paw , and as many Amorous Glances at my Charming Widdow , who return'd me the like , we parted : But never any happy Bridegroom Long'd for the Approaching Night , more than I for the succeeding Morning . No sooner had I enter'd my Chamber , but I found a Secret Passion had possest my Soul , and I was all on Fire : Ye Powers , cry'd I , what strange Fever 's this that Rages in my Breast , and Riots in my Blood ? Not Liquid Fire by its first Cause Fomented , burns Fiercer in Earths Center , than I flame within . Tame this Unruly Flame , or touch her Heart that first Kindl'd it , with a Cole from the same Altar . Nay 't is impossible to relate how violent my Passion rag'd ; but in Love I was , that 's certain ; but whether her Purse or Person begat this Flame , is a very Nice Question , and I protest I know not ; for , as Mr. Cowley says , Gold alone does Passion move , Gold Monopolizes Love. For Gold has Unresistable Charms as well as Beauty ; is of a Corroding Quality ; of an Attractive Nature , and bears a great influence o'er the Opticks . And 't was very probable that Purse was only Prologue to a far greater Sum ; so by consequence must needs have some Operation ; not but the Ladies were both very Amiable , in the Bloom of Vigorous Youth , bore a good Aspect , had no mean Air , Free , and without Reserve in their Conversation ; and their Deportment declar'd them of no Vulgar Quality . But the Charming Golden Widow was the Idol of my Soul , Subject of my Thoughts , and Center of my Wishes ; Musing on whom , at last dull Morpheus Seal'd my Eyes , to relieve my Captivated Senses . But , Oh ye Gods ! no Rest could I obtain , The Charming Fair did o'er my Slumbers Reign ; And in strange Dreams Augment my Rapid Flame . By that time Forked Cynthia had withdrawn her influence , and bright Aurora rose from Thetis Lap , I shook off the Drowsy God , and blest the joyful Day . Looking out of my Window I perceiv'd they were preparing for our Journey , which made me Rig with all imaginable speed ; and as I was going down , who should I meet but my Cherubimical Widow , equip'd like a Goddess , and Adorn'd with Ribbon like the Fore-Horse of a Country-Team ? After we had given each other the Time of the Day , Lord Sir , said she , are you but just up ? Why we are almost Ready to go ; Certainly you Slept very Sound . No Madam , answered I , since I have had the Happiness of see-you , Rest has been a Stranger to my Brest . Have I disturb'd you Sir , said she ? If so , I ask your Pardon , and am sorry for it . Ye Gods , cry'd I , what shall I say ? Or how shall I express my self ? Inspire my Tongue with Eloquence , thou God of Love , to make her sensible of my pain . Oh Madam , cry'd I , you are Innocent of your Crime , and guilty of the Fact : You have Robb'd me of my Rest , Fir'd my Blood , and Stolen my Heart ; see how it Hovers o'er your Panting Breast , and fain would gain Admittance . I Vow Sir , answered she , your Discourse is so Mysterious , that it wants another Oedipus to unfold . And for what you are pleas'd to charge me withal , is a false Accusation ; neither have I Vacancy to Entertain it . Ah Madam , reply'd I , I could soon convince you of your Error , if you would give me leave to search in a certain Corner you have about you that shall be Nameless . At which she Blush'd , and told me I was mightily Mistaken : But allow it so , since 't was Ignorantly committed , and without any premeditated design , she hop'd I would be so generous as to Forgive her . Never Madam , said I , unless you vouchsafe to cast an Eye of Pity , and Commiserate the Condition of your Languishing Lover , on whom the God of Love , if there be any such a Deity , hath Empty'd his whole Artillery , and pierc'd my Heart with your all-Conquering Eyes : O Fye , Sir , answer'd she , this is meer Railery , and only for your Diversion , a thing Customary with you General Lovers , in whom every New Face Creates a new Flame ; of the Libertines Opinion , that a Woman , after she is once enjoy'd , grows Dull and Insipid ; and what you have now so solemnly pretended to me , is no more then you have already done to half our Sex , if possible ; and such I take it . By my Soul I thought she was a Witch by her guessing so right , and was a going to tell her so , for every Syllable she utter'd was as true as an Oracle . But finding by her Parlying I had made a Breach , I resolv'd to Storm the Castle . If you Harbour any such thought of me , Madam , answer'd I , by Heaven you do me wrong ; for so pure is my Flame , and so Assiduous my Passion , without you give me speedy hopes , I shall fall a Sacrifice to your disdain , and Phoenix-like , expire in my own Flames . 'T is but Breathing a V●in Sir , answer'd she , and your Feaver will soon abate . Oh Madam , cry'd I , how can you be so Cruel ? You gave the Wound , but Administer a contrary Cure. Wrack me no longer thus with Doubts and Fears , either retalliate me in the same Nature , or pronounce my Doom ; for on your Lips my Fate depends . Indeed Sir , answer'd she , that requires more Consideration than the time will admit of now : Yet take this for your Satisfaction , if your Character and Quality answers your Appearance , and your Passion be real , you need not dispond of the Entertainment of that Trifle you are pleased to Charge me withal , but it shall find a Reception Suitable to its merits . At which she Sigh'd , and said our Company waited for us , but in the Evening would take an Opportunity to discourse further of it . Now Madam , you have raised my drooping Spirits to an Extacy of joy , answered I , Pardon my Presumption , and Abrupt proceeding I beseech you , in taking this opportunity to reveal my Passion , and impute it to nothing but Love , Almighty Love , for what will not a sinking Wretch catch hold on to save his Miserable Life ? At which we separated , and joyn'd our Company , who were preparing for an Antidote against Fasting , which we had scarcely compleated , but were call'd on to Board our Leathern-Conveniency , and were pen'd up like the Beasts in the Ark ; but I took care to have my Mistress my Opposite ; and being settled , Whip proceeded on his Journey , and having a plentiful Mornings Draught , Tickled his Cattel , drove like Iehu , and soon convey'd us to the Sign of Englands Champion at Cole-brook , an Inn famous for an Hostess , and Extravagant Bills for short Commons . Having refresh'd our selves with a good Breakfast , we re-enter'd our Coop , and was but very indifferent Company , for our Masculine Traveller , the Married Lady , and Mrs. Betty the Chamber-Maid , had a Long Game at Noddy : However it presented me with several Opportunities of Saluting my Widdow , and Exercise abundance of Palm Letchery ; but being come to Reading , we Din'd at the Canonical . Nabb , where our Landlord was as Remarkable for his Bulk , as our late Hostess for her Tail ; formerly he was a profest Baptist , but being chosen one of the Head Loobies of the Corporation , he renounc'd his Religion , Embrac'd the Faith , and was Christned Lumpus ; his Corps is of the size of a Rhinoceros , Measures full three Yards in the Waste , and his Legs bigger about than the Piers of the Town Bridge , the Doctor of the Parish hath excommunicated him from the Church ; because his Snoaring not only drowns his Voice , but disturbs the whole Congregation . Being depriv'd of the Church , he then took to the Flesh , and is reported to have overlaid three of his Servants . Having now stock'd our selves with Substantial Belly-Timber , and Liquor'd our Whistles , we pursued our Journey , and were more Sociable ; the Ladies oblig'd us with several Songs , which they perform'd with an Excellent Voice , and good Judgment : But my Thoughts was chiefly Ruminating on the Fair Object before me , and how to manage my Amour at Night , every fresh Glance discovered concealed Beauties , nor was she unsensible of my Anguish , for her repeated Sighs betray'd her yielding Heart . Oh what Coelestial Motion had her Eyes ! Her Panting Breasts , how they did fall and rise ! Conspiring both to fall my Sacrifice . And our Merchant took Notice of her Sighs , and asked her the Reason , she told him 't was only a Foolish Custome ; but I believe had he ask'd me , I could have given him a better Account . But come , Fellow-Travellers , said he , will you please to take a Dram of Right Nants ? A good Cordial on the Road , and will digest our Dinner , I protest I forgot it in the Morning : So we accepted of his kindness , and drain'd his Bottle : but promised to recruit it the first opportunity ; and to pass the time away , we engag'd Mrs. Pert to sing a Song , and our Merchant and I promis'd to tell a Story : She pleaded she could not Sing , but would oblige us in relating a very strange Accident lately discover'd ; which was as followeth . About fifteen Year since , There was a Noted Tradesman near Aldgate , had two Children , a Son and Daughter , the Son was Aged about fifteen Years , and the Daughter twelve , he had a desire to put his Son Prentice to some good Trade in the City , and gave him his choice , but he was very much Averse to it , his Inclinations being altogether for the Sea , and nothing would serve him but a Tarpaulin Master . At last his Father with much Regret Consented to it , and put him to a Master of a Ship that was bound for a Trading Voyage up the Streights : At which the Young Man was Extraordinary Glad , took Leave of his Friends , and went Aboard with great Joy , but before three Months was Expir'd , News arriv'd that they were taken by the Algerines , from whom at that time there was no Redemption : The News of which , and a Considerable Loss the Old Man had lately Sustain'd by Fire , not only Reduc'd his Condition to a mean Subsistance , but broke his Heart , nor did his Wife long Survive him ; and with the remains of their decay'd Fortune , the Poor Orphan was put to a Sempstriss , but before her time was Expir'd , one of Exeter fell in Love with her , Marryed her , and took her with him to Exon , unknown to her Friends or Acquaintance ; in a few Years after he left her a Widow , no Children , and but little to Trust to ; which to improve , she set up her Trade , and Maintain'd her self very Handsomely , Living in good Credit ; but her Unhappy Brother , who had the Misfortune to be a Slave , was bought by one that Liv'd several Leagues up in the Country , never having any Opportunity of sending to England , his Friends dispair'd of ever seeing him again , and gave him over for Lost. But see how Providence Order'd it , his Master Dyed , and by reason he had been a good Servant , not only Bequeath'd him his Liberty , but also a great Sum of Money to Maintain him ; and his Mistress who had often given him several Evident Testimonies of her Affections , wou'd have Married him , provided he would Renounce his Religion , and Embrace the Mahometan , which he deny'd to do ; but her Love was so Violent , or rather Lust so Raging , that it o'ver flow'd the Bounds of Modesty , and by the Allurements of her Gold , intic'd him to satisfie her Exorbitant Desires , by which means he had gotten a very Considerable Estate . But the Natural Inclination for his own Native Country , and great Desire to see his Friends , out-ballanc'd the Embraces of his Mistress , whose Gold was more prevailing than her Charms , and came the first Opportunity for England , and in a short time Arriv'd at Plymouth , the next day reach'd Exon ; and having present occasion for some Linnen , he Accidentally goes into his Unknown Sisters Shop and furnish'd himself , then posts for London ; where to his great Grief he found as I have already Related , and by no means could get any Information of his Sister , his long Absence not only bereav'd him of his Friends , but also of all his former Acquaintance ; that he was become an Alien in the Place of his Nativity . The Deprivation of which , was an extraordinary Trouble to him , and the only way to Redress it , he thought would be to Alter his Condition ; he Coveted not Riches , but Content , to Compensate for his hard Fate . But , Oh , how often are we Deceiv'd in our Expectations , and our hopes Frustrated by an All-Seeing Power ? His Fancy presented none so Charming to his Eyes as the Exeter Widdow : Nay , so great was his Passion , that immediately he goes down , Courts her , and in a short time Married her , brings her up to London , takes a House , and Liv'd very Happily together , had two Children by her ; and no Discourse as yet of their Parents happened between them . But see how Fate Ordain'd it ! Not long since , as he was Walking by Fleet-Ditch , he Espies his Fathers Picture Expos'd to Sale among Old Goods ; which presently he Bought , and made a very strict Enquiry where they had it , thinking thereby to trace his Sister , but 't was so long since they bought it , that they could give him no Account ; however he Imputed it to be a very Lucky Accident , had it brought home with him , and with abundance of Joy shows it his Wife . Telling her , 't was the Picture of his Father , and how Accidentally he came by it : At which , she was mightily surpris'd , and told him , If that was the Picture of his Father , ( which Heaven forbid ) she was his own Natural Sister : He Astonish'd at this dreadful News , ask'd her a few more questions , she Resolving of which , Confirm'd the Discovery , and hath Involv'd them into a great deal of Trouble and Consternation of Mind ; for the Easement of which they have had the Opinion of several Learned Divines ; who Advise them to joyn no more in their incestuous Bed , but Live after the Natural Bonds of Affinity , and since 't was Ignorantly Committed , it mitigated the Crime , and they were more to be Pittyed , and none could be so Barbarous , as to reflect on their Unhappy Off-Spring . But 't is to be Fear'd , it will prove Fatal to them both , for they Labour under an Agony of Mind , that nothing but Death or Distraction is Expected . Her Story being Ended , the Ladies Confirm'd it , and declar'd they knew the Parties ; and it had not been Discover'd above two or three Years ; but while we were Commiserating their hard Fate , we came to a Vilage call'd Theal , and Stopt at Old Mother Cleanly's , at the Sign of the Divine Clamour ; as Noted a House for Bottle-Ale and Plumb-Cakes , as the Folly on the River of Thames , for Bad Wine , and Lewd Whores : Nay , Slash declar'd he dares no more pass by without calling , than the Forked Animals miss Cuckold's-Point , in their Journey to Horn-Fair : But having participated , and given our Approbation on her Commodity , we Travel'd on , and our Bristol Merchant told us , he presum'd , we were a going to the BATH for Diversion ; but his Journey to London was such a Novelty , that 't was scarce to be Parallel'd , and Notwithstanding it had occasion'd him a great deal of Trouble , it might Divert us ; with that we desir'd him to Relate it , which he presently did , after this manner : The Place of my Habitation you already know , of which I have been a Merchant almost this thirty year , am a Widower and have several Children , but my Eldest Son being very Desirous to Live at London , I put him to an Eminent Draper in C — , but before he had Serv'd half his Time , he kept such high Company , and was Acquainted with so many Rakes of the Town , that his Master was as weary of him , as he of his Master ; so I was oblig'd to take him Home , and Design'd to bring him up a Merchant , but the Infection he receiv'd at London , made too great an Impression to be Discharg'd by my Documents , which often occasion'd no small difference between us ; about a Month since , having some very Urgent Business in Wales , which requir'd my Absence for at least twelve or fourteen Days , I left my Daughter to mannage my Domestick , and he my other Affairs , and took my Journey ; but that Night I left him , he sends Word to all my Correspondents at London , that I was Dead , ( as I understand since ) and that he should be with them in a short time , for his Father having left him a Plentiful Estate , he design'd to leave off Merchandizing . This News Startl'd my Acquaintance , and they sent him several Letters of Condollence ; and my Death past as Currant on the Exchange , as if it had been sworn by twenty Irish Witnesses . My Daughter who kept my Cash , sent him a Letter of Advice , of the Payment of some Bills , I had lately drawn on him , which he receiv'd and answer'd ; he also intercepted the Letters I sent his Sister , and about six days before I came Home , takes fifty Pound of my House Cash and posts for London , and before he Appeared Publick , Cloths himself in deep Mourning , Visits my Correspondents , tells them he came to Administer to his Fathers Will , and Ballance Accounts , and takes up of my Goldsmith 1300 l. who pay'd it him all in Gold , as he requested ; having Accomplish'd his Ends , Cast off his Mourning , New Rigg'd , and now I hear is gone for Rome , to assist at the Iubilee ; but when I came home , missing of him and my Money , I presently Conjectur'd he was gone for London , and was afraid he would take up more , therefore made all the speed I could after him , to prevent it , but he was too Nimble for me ; my Acquaintance was all possest with a Pannick Fear , and so surpriz'd , that they took me for a Spirit , and wou'd hardly believe their own Eyes , but I soon Convinc'd them of their Mistake , and they me of my Sons Proceedings . And this Generally the Product of sending our Children to London : Well , had I forty , I 'd never send any of them to London again : Now he is gone Loaded with Gold to Rome ; Perhaps , about a Year or two hence , I shall have him return , as Light as a Common Strumpet , as Shabby as a Broken Officer , and as Foppish as a City Beau ; but I will never Look on him again . Make no Rash Vow , however , Sir , said I , least you Repent it ; ( for Nature will prevail ) he may Return a very Accomplish'd Gentleman , for Travelling conduces much to Education . Yes , answer'd he , As going to the Dancing-School , does young Wenches , who if they have but a little Money are presently Catch'd up by some Hopping Coxcomb or another , that hath nothing to Trust to , but a Pair of Rotting Shanks , which are scarce able to support his Wavering Carcase . I find Sir , reply'd one of the Ladys , You have a great Aversion to London Education , and the very Thoughts of it gives you the Spleen ? Pray , what is the BATH for a Nursery ? For during the Season , that is a Place of great Resort . Why , answer'd he , That 's out of the Frying-Pan into the Fire , and as Eminent for Wickedness as London , ' Bating its Magnitude . With that , I told him , I perceiv'd he Harbour'd no better Opinion of the Tuition of his own Country , than of our Metropolian Seminary ; and my Story would but Augment his Disgust . Now being got to the end of our Stage for that Day , we referr'd mine for the next , and Newbury was as wellcome to us , as Michalemas Term to the Bauling Quill-drivers , after the Long Vacation : Our Quarters was at the King of Beasts , and after we had Saluted our Ladies , and bid them Wellcome to Newbury , we View'd our Chambers , gave Order for our Supper , and Refresh'd our selves with a Glass of good Burgundy ; and having some spare time , our Merchant went to Visit a Friend in Town , and I gave the Ladies an Invitation to take a Walk , which my Mistress was willing to , but her Sister , being something indisposed after her Journey , desir'd to be excus'd ; and as Good-Luck would have it , the Maid was oblig'd to stay with her : So my Charming Widow , after she had dismantled herself of her Riding Accouterments , and I Augmented the weight of my Bush , by almost half a Pound of Powder , was ready to March ; our Landlord understanding we were dispos'd for a Walk , Convey'd us out at his Back-gate , where we found a most delicate Grotto of Nature's , not Art's Composing , half inviron'd with a Murm'ring Brook whose purling streams Created a most Melodious Harmony , and the whole Composure seem'd a Second Paradise . Having walk'd a turn or two , I thought it convenient to put my Widow in mind of her Promise . Pardon my Presumption , Madam , said I , in taking the boldness , to put you in mind of this Mornings Conclusion , for no fitter opportunity than now can present it self ; here we are retir'd , and the place seems to be dedicated for the same purpose . Sir , answer'd she , how can I be assur'd your Passion is real , since your Acquaintance is so slender , in which if I should be deceiv'd , how shall I be Ridicul'd by the Censorious World ? I presume not , Madam , reply'd I , to lay any Claim of meriting your Esteem , as to the Quality of my Person ; nor yet am I so despiseable in my Descent or Fortune , to incur your disdain . But Love , Almighty Love , who knows no Bounds or Equals , is my Plea ; and notwithstanding my Love is of so late a Date , it is as pure as Vestals Flames , and firm as Fate , and all my pretensions Honourable . If so , Sir , said she , I do Agnize your Passion , and return you mine ; for Blushing I must own it , when first I saw your Face , an unusual Flame seiz'd my Heart and kindled in my Breast Vnknown Desires . At this Confession I flung my circling Arms about her Lovely Wast , and almost stiffled her with Kisses . What then remains , cry'd I , my Life , my Soul , but to Quench our Desires , and delay our Bliss no longer ? At which she started back , and told me she thought , or she was much Mistaken , before she reveal'd her Passion , I declar'd I design'd nothing but what was Honourable ; if so , what means this unruly Proceeding ? Onely the extream Ardour of my Flame , my Dear , answer'd I ; for who can behold the Tempting Tree , and forbear to pluck its luscious Fruit ? Not till the Priest hath made it Lawful , Sir , said she , for Fear , — Oh , for Fear . — By Heaven , and all that 's Sacred , Madam , cry'd I , those Fears are Needless ; for sooner shall the Silver Morn forget to dawn , the Glorious Sun to steer its course , than I prove false to you . What then should hinder us now , from Satisfying our Craving Appetites , before the Sluggish Priest hath Crav'd a Blessing . At which , she sunk into my Arms , and by her Dying Eyes gave her Consent ; then calling to mind the Alacrity to be us'd in Courting a Widdow , and that now might be the Crittical Minute , I lay'd her down on Nature's Carpet , and made bold with Mother Earth for a Boulster ; and notwithstanding all her faint Resistance , rifled her joys , roving through all the hidden Labyrinth of Love , and by our Mutual Embraces Quench'd our fierce Desires , then Coo'd and Bill'd like a pair of Amorous Doves , swearing Eternal Constancy afresh , and to tye the Gordian knot the first opportunity . But in our Discourse I took an occasion to make a scrutiny into her Affairs , that I might understand what Bargain I was like to have , if I perform'd my Promise . She told me she had been a Widow near two years , had no Child , was worth 3000l ▪ and liv'd with her Sister , who was Married to a Gentleman near Hackney ; and living so far off , was the reason they lay at the Inn last Night . This News methought Augmented her Charms , and having enjoy'd the Shadow , I hop'd in a short time to reap the Golden Substance . Having out-staid our time , a Messenger came to Desire us to make haste , for our Company and Supper waited for us : But when we came , and had given them an Account of our pleasant walk , and Description of the Delightful Grove , ( but not a word of the Paradise of Love ) they seem'd to be sorry they did not go along with us ( that neither of us was , I am certain . ) Having Supt , they brought us a Bill , which was as reasonable as a Reckoning at a Hosier-lane Bawdy-House during Bartholomew-Fair ; for a Brace of Midling Trouts , they charg'd us but a Lease of Crowns , Six Shillings for a Shoulder of Mutton and a Plate of Gerkins , three and Sixpence for Six Rowles , and three Nipperkins of Belch ; and two Shillings more for Whip in Drinking our Healths . Their Wine indeed was good , so was their price ; and in a Bill of two pound four Shillings , they made a Mistake but of Nine ; I ask'd what Countrey-man my Landlord was ? answer was made , Full North ; and Faith 't was very Evident , for he had put the Yorkshire most Damnably upon us . But being to rise very Early , we went to Bed soon after we had Supt ; and was called by Break of Day , my Widow presented us with a Pot of Chocolat of her own Preparing ; and filling my Dishes fuller than ordinary , I Conjectur'd 't was for my good Performances , dasht with a little self-interest ; after which we recruited our Bottle , and renew'd our Journey ; but I marked his Gate with a Cross as red as the Sign . And before we had Travel'd a Mile , the Ladies laid claim to my promise to relate my Story , which I was oblig'd to perform , and was thus . There was a very Eminent Shopkeeper in Westminster , had the misfortune to have a very Extravagant Son , who by his Continual Profuseness , Consum'd him a great many Baggs of a certain Commodity much better then Cherry-Stones ; he was not only very Indulgent to him , but Maintain'd his Family ; he being of a Roving Mind , could not Confine himself to Business , but went from his Father and Family , chang'd his Name , and Rak'd about the Town ; but by Accident got Acquainted with two Young Women , who kept Shop on the Royal-Exchange ; the youngest of them he Courted for a Wife , and in a short time Married her , made an Extraordinary Figure , and as Mighty Pretences ; but he had not Enjoy'd her long before 't was Discover'd , and he Oblig'd to Live with his First , who was no ways deserving of such an Unkind Action ; but rather Worthier of a better Husband ; and being ask'd the Reason , why he would offer to Commit Poligamy ? He answer'd , Though Plurality of Caesars was not Safe for a State , Plurality of Wives could be no Crime . But the Poor Young Woman was very much Disappointed ; all her hopes Blasted , and her Promising Imaginations prov'd Vain Chimera's . For he in a little time after abandon'd both , and took a Trip to Iamaica , where in three Months he Married a Rich Widow , worth at least 7000l . Sterling , and before three years was Compleated , she made her Exit ; which he esteem'd to be the Happyest Day in all his Life , the result of all his hopes , and the only mark he aim'd at . Now being Master of a Plentiful Estate , he soon Converted it into the Commodity of the Country , and Sail'd for England , with a Joyful Heart , and Prosperous Gale ; and upon his Arrival at London , found himself a double Widower , and his Exchange Wife Married to a Dutchman , who was so Enamour'd with her Fiz , that notwithstanding he had heard of her Mis-fortune , he ty'd the Nooze , and became One Flesh , though of two very different Constitutions . She was Young and Airy , and Married him more for the sake of his Money than Person ; he Old and Impotent , and as Jealous as a Spaniard , by which her Condition was much worse than before ; for on the least Distaste , he would be Reflecting on her former Husband , who had not seen her since the Discovery , nor she him , but heard of his Success , though not by what means he had attain'd it ; and was extream Sorry she had Contracted the last Marriage ; but he having a desire to see her , tho' not to take her again as a Wife , and thinking Time , Absence , and the Alteration of his Attire , and Hair , ( for when he Liv'd with her , he wore his own , but now a Full Wigg ) was Disguise sufficient to Conceal him from her Knowledge , goes to the Shop , and she Congratulated him , with the usual Complement , of What do you want , Sir ? Two very necessary things , Madam , said he , Clean Gloves and a Pritty Wife ; and I Presume you may supply me . Of the First , Sir , answer'd his Wife , We have Choice ; but the last is a very scarce Commodity , and very difficult to be had . I was in hopes , Madam , reply'd he , you could have furnish'd me with both ; but more especially the last . But she and her Partner both knew him , contrary to his Expectations : Sir , said her Partner , I am perswaded you have no occasion for a Clogg ; for so a Wife is generally Term'd . But such a Pretty Lady as this is , would be counted rather a Blessing , Madam , answer'd he . You wrong your Iudgement very much , Sir , reply'd his Wife , For Nature hath not been so Liberal to me in her Indowments , as you are pleas'd to Flatter me with all . Besides I am a Wife already ; and here the dull Animal : comes . As he approach'd the Shop , the other spoke to him after this manner : I have been Courting this Lady for a Wife , Sir , but I find you are so happy as to be before hand with me . That 's more than he knows , Sir , said she Smiling . By which he perceiv'd they knew him ; but her last Husband being Ignorant who he was , took it as a great Affront , and in a mighty Passion abus'd her in a very high degree ; and Upbraided her with her first Husband ; which so grated his Spirits , that it reviv'd the glowing Embers of his Love , and the Conceal'd Sparks broke out into a violent Flame . Thou Mercenary Villain , said he , to Upbraid thy Wife with what her Innocence was impos'd on ; and as I am the Man that was the Aggressor , I 'll do her that Justice to make you ask her Pardon , here Publickly on your Knees : Or by Heaven , this Moment is your last . At which he drew his Sword , and the Glittering Steel so scar'd poor Hogan , that he presently fell on his Marrowbones , Crav'd her Pardon , and was Glad he came off so . Now , Madam , said he , to his Wife , had not you been so dis-honourable to me , on the Discovery of my Contract with you , I would have freed you from the Embraces of this Insip'd Coxcomb ; but since you was so Unkind , I can only Condole your second Mis-fortune , who was so Ungrateful to me in your first ; then departed , and left poor Butter-Box , to be ridicul'd by the whole Society of Thimberkins . A Friend of mine was an Eye Witness of this , and knew both the Husband and Wife . Without doubt , said the Gentleman , This Spark was one of Solomons Race , and Londons Master-Piece . Oh , Sir , 't is Reported he is very much Reform'd to what he was ; and Lives very Sober and Sedate . Then it ought to be Chronicl'd for a Miracle , said he . But being come to the Rocky Decent into Marlborough , we were so Damnably jolted , that our Merchants Pocket Comfort Vanish'd , and the Brittle Mettal was shatter'd into a thousand pieces ; for the loss of which , I intail'd such a Hearty Curse on the Place , that never since hath a Coach past , but it Over-turn'd , a Waggon or Cart , but it breaks either Wheel or Axeltree , a Horse , but he Stumbles ; and all the Beasts that Graze near it , Die of the Murraine : At last with the help of a couple of Gigantick Loobies , to support our Tottering Caravan , we got into the Town , and tipt them a Hogg for our safe Conduct . Being come to Marlborough , we broke our fast at the Royal-Diadem , and had Mr. Mayor for our Landlord , a good jolly Bachanalian , who hath bestow'd more in adorning his Fiz , than the Market-house cost Building ; and being a Magistrate , I made a heavy Complaint against that Cursed Hill , demanded satisfaction for the Dammage we had sustain'd , in breaking our Brandy Bottle , and told him , unless they took speedy Care to have it mended , I would Indite the whole Corporation . That we cannot do by no means , Sir , said he , For in so doing we should Ruine half the Town ; for the Dammage that Hill occasions , brings a Considerable Trade to our Wheel-wrights , Farriers , and Chyrurgions ; also Creates no small Business to those of my own Function , and Maintains three or four Families to support the Coaches , and Assisting at other Accidents : But however , I 'll present you with a fresh Cargo , and Advise you to take more Care for the future : Before we had Breakfasted , he was as good as his Word ; but to retalliate his Kindness , we call'd for two or three Flasks Extraordinary . Having lay'd a good Foundation to Travel on , we quitted Marlborough , and soon came on a curious Down , much Noted for its Flocks of Grey Weathers , which often gave us Confounded Jolts , and put us in Mind of our Landlords Caution , concerning our Bottle . But before we had Rod five Mile , we receiv'd Information of a Party of Light-Horse that lay Perdue to Ease us of our Rin● . This News made us look very queer , and my Company to sink the Cole with abundance of Agility . My Mistress was in a Peck of Troubles , for the security of her Ponderous Purse ; and I thought by the motion of her Pettycoats , she was a going to put it where my Lady — did her Watch : Our Merchant shuffled Loose Yellow-Boys by dozens , into the Linning of his Coat , and I Trusted to Providence : But at last to our great Satisfaction it prov'd to be a false Alarm , and by the help of our Nanterian Cordial , we Recover'd our stragling Senses : The Discourse of which lasted us , till we got to Sandy-Lane , where the Road was so Damnable heavy , that two mile in three hours was an Extraordinary Journey , and the Corporation Trot to St. Pauls on Sunday , was a Fool to it : But at last we Arriv'd at the Sign of Chevalier Bruine , where we was to Dine . Here we had such an Amsterdam W — for our Landlady , that the like was never heard of . She hath Buried five Husbands , never had but one Son , and he was Hang'd ; thirteen Daughters , and a Dozen of them was of their Mothers Stamp , and the other Dy'd an Infant ; the Old one was a Widdow , her Daughters Maid , yet between them had more Children , then Rosemary-Lane affords on a Sunday ; and most of their Sires was Souldiers or Cattle-Firkers . There was more Coaches and Waggons , drawn up before her Gate , then Hacks in Palace-Yard , during the Sessions of Parliament , or Term-Time . All her Entertainment is Loins of Mutton , or Rabbets ; and she makes more Broth in a day , then all the Chop-Houses in Castle-Alley in a Week . At last , with much ado , we got two of the aforesaid Dishes for Dinner , and a Nasty Jade to Attend us ; who , as we understood afterwards , was one of her Daughters ; but by her Looks , one would Conjecture the Devil was her Father ; yet she was Recommended to us , for the flower of them all : But in my Judgement the Old one is more Inviting then any of her Off-spring . The best Accomodation we had there was the Juice of Pippins , which we Drank very Plentifully , but by its Urinical motion , hindred Whip one Mile in four ; and the Ladies Emissary , Mistress Pert , once was so hard put to it , that we thought by her Sower Looks , and the Ringing of her Knees , she had the Dry-Gripes ; but at last a Natural Evacuation gave her Ease , and Created us a great deal of Laughter . Our Bill was compos'd in a few Words ; and was very Moderate , considering what Extravagant Prices , we often give for Mutton and Conny in some Places . Having Din'd , we proceeded on our Journey , but with a great deal of difficulty ; for the Road was so Rocky , Unlevel , and Narrow in some places , that I am perswaded the Alps are to be passed with less danger , in the Performance of which our firking Essedarian was oblig'd to use abundance of Horse-Courting-Rhetorick to his Tired Ambulators ; and when that prevailed not , to Exercise his Tickler ; but we were jolted so Cursedly , that I thought it would have made a dislocation of my Bones ; we all complained , but could find no Remedy ; nor would I advise any who have been Sufferers in Venus sports , to Adventure the Fatigue of a Coach to the Bath , least it dis-joint a Member or two . At last when our Patience was almost worn out , we agreed to light rather than endure it any longer ; but our Chariotier inform'd us , we were almost at our Journeys-end , which we presently found to be true , and Bath was as Welcome to us , as a good Dinner to a Covent-Garden Tooth-picker . Being come to the White-Hart , our long wish'd-for Port , we refreshed our selves with much Joy , after our tedious Mortifying-Journey : And there our Merchant took his Leave of us , in a fresh Coach for Bristol : Then Enquiring for a Lodging , we were recommended to a Tonsers , whose Wife kept a Milliners-Shop in the same House , where was Accommodation for us all , tho' he had several other Lodgers in the House of good Quality . That Night my Widow and I had an opportunity to enjoy our selves to our mutual Satisfaction , without any suspicion , and agreed to be made one Flesh , the first opportunity that offer'd . In the Morning we were saluted by the whole Fraternity of Cat-Gut-S●rapers , and cou'd not get rid of them without the Assistance of an Angel. My Mistress and her Sister would not appear publick , till their Baggage Arriv'd from London , which they did not expect in three or four days , so I had the Liberty to stroul alone . After I had Accounter'd my self to the best Advantage , ( in which I made no small Figure ) I went to the Coffee-House , where I found several of my Acquaintance , who seem'd to be Over-joy'd at my Appearance , Imbrac'd and Slabber'd me , as an Old Woman does her Grand Child ; asking a thousand Impertinent Questions concerning London , and what Company came with me ? If Ladies , or Gentlemen ? Whether any Quality was on the Road bound for 〈…〉 In which I satisfied them to the best of my knowledge ; but after we had 〈…〉 or two , of that insippid Liquor , we Adjourn'd to Honest C — at 〈…〉 where we Enliven'd our Souls with a Glass of good Burdeaux , 〈…〉 and from thence we went to see the Diversion of the Baths . Of which , 't is not my Design to give you an 〈…〉 Original , and Eminent Cures ; or a Description of their Structure 〈…〉 ; for that 's already perform'd , in most of our Chronicles ; 〈…〉 on the Ways and Intrigues that are manag'd there during the Season . The first we went to , is call'd the Kings ; and to it 〈…〉 , both running in one ; and the most famous for Cures . In this Bath 〈…〉 least fifty of both Sexes , with a Score or two of Guides , who by their 〈◊〉 Carcasses , and Lacker'd Hides , you would think they had lain Pickling a Century of 〈…〉 Lake : Some had those Infernal Emissaries to support their Impotent Limbs . Others to scrub their Putrify'd Carcasses like a Race-Horse . In one Corner was an Old Fornicator hanging by the Rings , Loaded with Rotten Humidity ; Hard by him was a Buxom Dame , Cleansing her Nunquam Satis from Mercurial Dregs , and the remains of Roman Vitriol . Another , half cover'd with Sear-Cloth , had more Sores than Lazarus doing Pennance for the Sins of her Youth : At her Elbow was a Young Hero , supported by a couple of Guides , rack'd with Aches and Intolerable Pains , Cursing of Middlesex Court , and Beveridges Dancing-School , as Heartily as Iob the Day of his Birth . At the Pump was several a Drenching their Gullets , and Gormandizing the Reaking Liquor by wholesale . From thence we went to the Cross-Bath , where most of the Quality resorts , more Fam'd for Pleasure then Cures , tho' they pretend it hath wrought Miracles on Barren-Soil , and wonderfully helps Conception . Not long since , a Gentleman of Quality was beholden to it for an Heir , as he reported ; but his Lady is of a Contrary Opoinion ; yet I know not what Operation such Tempting Objects may have by causing Titilation , and heighten Imagination , to procure an Immediate Conjunction . Here is perform'd all the Wanton Dalliancies imaginable ; Celebrated Beauties , Panting Breasts , and Curious Shapes , almost Expos'd to Publick View ; Languishing Eyes , Darting Killing Glances , Tempting Amorous Postures , attended by soft Musick , enough to provoke a Vestal to forbidden Pleasure , Captivate a Saint , and Charm a Iove : Here was also different Sexes , from Quality to the Honourable Knights , Country Put , and City Madam's : Nay , the Circumciz'd Iew , could Bathe in Delight , Swim in Pleasure with the Gentile , and out-vie a Courtier in Splendor , tho' they Crucifi'd his God ; and Dispence with Christians-Flesh , tho' not with Swines . The Ladies with their floating Iappan-Bowles , freighted with Confectionary Kick-knacks , Essences , and Perfumes , Wade about , like Neptun's Courtiers , suppling their Industrious Joynts . The Vigorous Sparks , presenting them with several Antick Postures , as Sailing on their Backs , then Embracing the Element , sink in a Rapture , and by Accidental Design , thrust a stretch'd Arm ; but where the Water Conceal'd , so ought my Pen. The Spectators in the Galleries , pleasing their Roving Fancies with this Ladies Face , Anothers Eyes , a thirds heaving Breasts , and Profound Air. In one Corner stood an old Letcher , whose years spoke him no less then threescore and ten , making Love to a young Lady , not exceeding fourteen . The usual time being come to forsake that fickle Element , Half-Tub-Chairs , Lin'd with Blankets , Ply'd as thick , as Coaches at the Play-House , or Carts at the Custom-House . Bathing being over for that Day , we went to walk in the Grove , a very pleasant Place for Diversion ; there is the Royal-Oak and several Raffling Shops : In one of the Walks , is several Sets of Nine-Pins , and Attendance to wait on you : Tipping all Nine for a Guinea , is as common there , as two Farthings for a Porrenger of Barley-Broth , at the Hospital-gate in Smithfield . On several of the Trees was hung a Lampoon on the Marriage of one Mr. S — a Drugmonger , and the famous Madam S — an old B — of London . Having almost tir'd our selves with walking , we took to a Bench to ease our weary Pedestals . Now , said my Friend , I 'll give you an impartial Account of the Perfections , Qualities and Functions , of a few particular Persons that are are among this Amphibious Crow'd . For Notwithstanding I have been here not above a Fortnight , I am as well acquainted with the Town and its Intrigues , as old Justice P — with More-fields and Drury Lane Bawdy houses . Those two Ladies with the Gentleman in Blew , are Sisters , live near the Church that is Dedicated to a Saint who expir'd on a Gridiron , they are Amorous Dames ; the Gentleman is a Broken Officer , and lives better on their Allowances , than he could on his Pay. This Gentlewoman in the White-Damask Gown , is a Sea-Captains Lady ; who , while her ●orniferous Mate is Plowing the Ocean , takes Care to manure his Pasture , that he may have a Fruitful Crop this Harvest . That Foppish Beau in Scarlet Stockins , whose Hilt of his Sword bears a bob with his Calves , and his Jubilee Hatband , lies stitch'd cross the Crown , was a Pettycoat-Pensioner to Madam C — near Bucklersbury ; but being lately Discarded , is come down here for promotion . That young Lady with the Gold Orice Pettycoat , was a great Fortune , and not long since was married to a Flannel Wastecoat , and a double Night-cap of the same Stuff ; But now by reason of her Husbands Imbecility , is forc'd to have recourse to the Bath . That tall Gentleman attended by three Liveries , is something of Quality , a right Courtier , for he abhors the Citizens Wives as much as the Sword Bearer does Custard . That Broad-piece Doctor , in the diminutive Band , makes a purchase every year by the Wickedness of the Age ; and Vindicates W — ing more than ever G. K — Writ against the Quakers . That Pert young Gentlewoman with the two Silver Fringes , was compell'd by her Friends to Marry a Slovenly Stockjobber , and now is surfeited with his Embraces ; and came to the Bath to mend his Breed . That Crafty Priest , that Son of Levi , is as fickle as a Weather-Cock , and would sooner discard a good Conscience , then a fat Benefice . This Tun of Iniquity , in the Crimson Gown with Monsieur at her Elbow , two Devils behind her , Aetna in her Face , all the Water in the Severn is not able to Quench her desires ; she is a second Masselina , will tire , but ne'er be satisfied ; she hath already quarter'd a Troop of French Dragoons , a Regiment of Dutchmen , and now is come to Exercise a Battalion of Brittains . That Powder'd Lobster in the Edg'd Hat , is the Spawn of a Broker ; from thence Evapulated to a Bully , now shams an Officer , sets up for a Stallion of the first Rank , and pretends he receives several Favours from a Qualitificated Lady . That Spark with his Hat under his Arm , is a Limb of the Law , but hath Studied Chamberlins Midwitry , more than Cook 's Reports . That Dowdy Minx in the Scarlet Topping , and Pinck'd Scarff , is the Relick of a broken Grocer ; an Industrious Woman , for her Head 's no sooner lay'd , but her Breech is at Work. In short , for Fops , Beaus , and Bellfa's , this Place exceeds Greys-Inn-Walks on a Sunday Evening ; and consists of greater variety of Persons , Remarkable for some Vice or Folly , than there are Ingredients in a Lombard-Pye for a City Feast ; to give you a particular Description of each of 'em , will require a Weeks time at least . Come therefore let 's go to some Tipling Mansion , and Carrouse , till we have Exhilerated our Drouthy Souls : To which I readily agreed . About five in the Evening , we went to see a great Match at Bowling ; there was Quallity , and Reverend Doctors of both professions , Topping Merchants , Broken Bankers , Noted Mercers , Inns-of-Court Rakes , City Beaus , Stray'd Prentices , and Dancing-Masters in abundance . Fly , fly , fly , fly ; said one : Rub , rub , rub , rub , cry'd another . Ten Guinies to five , I Vncover the Jack , says a third . Damn these Nice Fingers of mine , cry'd my Lord , I Slipt my Bowl , and mistook the Bias. Another Swearing he knew the Ground to an Inch , and would hold five Pound his Bowl came in . But in short , the Citizens won the Courtiers Money , and the Courtiers Swore to be Reveng'd on their Wives , and Daughters . From hence we went to the Groom-Porters , where they were a Labouring like so many Anchor-Smiths , at the Oake , Back Gammon , Tick-Tack , Irish , Basset , and throwing of Mains . There was Palming , Lodging , Loaded Dice , Levant , and Gammonning , with all the Speed imaginable ; but the Cornish Rook was too hard for them all . The Bristol Fair Sparks had but a very bad bargain of it ; and little occasion for Returns . Bank-Bills , and Exchequer-Notes , were as Plenty , as Fops at the Chocolat-Houses , or Patternoster-Row . Having satisfied our Curiosity here ; we left them as busie a shaking their Elbows , as the Apple-women in Stocks-Market , Wallnuts in October . And meeting with three or four more Acquaintance , we stroul'd to a Bristol-Milk Dary-House , and Enjoy'd our selves like 〈…〉 At Night I stole into my Mistresses Arms , as Vigorous 〈…〉 and Love , could inspire me ; but she Urging mightily for 〈…〉 was not very backward to , we agreed to be Rivented 〈…〉 to ingage the Maid to Assist her , and I , our 〈…〉 which accordingly was perform'd the next day , with a great deal 〈…〉 the Expence of half a score Guineas ; and Spouse deny'd it might 〈…〉 continu'd in the Country , for some particular Reason 〈…〉 by the Priest , Madam Bride , and Mrs. Pert , managed it so , that we 〈…〉 any Mistrust . Let a Woman alone for a Contrivance , to 〈…〉 About ten in the Morning , I was sent for by some 〈…〉 to the general Rendezvouz — Coffee-house , where Fools , Cullies , 〈…〉 , resort as thick , as Stock-Iobbers about the Effigies on the Royal Exchange , 〈◊〉 Witicism was Abdicated , and Nonsence banded to and fro , like a 〈…〉 . The last Nights Intrigue Whisper'd with abundance of Caution , and 〈…〉 was Prognosticated would be very Noble , for 't was given by a Lady 〈…〉 , and after an hour or two of their insippid Fustian and Block-headly 〈…〉 went to Raffle for a Present for our Mistresses ; and with the loss of 〈…〉 off a curious Snush-Box , worth four : But tho' I was Fortunes 〈…〉 a young Mercer of twenty Iacobusses , and at the Oake the same Night double the Number , and a Bay Gelding . From thence we went to the Hot-Bath , and Leppers-Bath , but there was nothing worth our Observation , but a parcel of old Crutches , hung up in Memory of the Persons , that receiv'd those Miraculous Cures . The next place we adjourn'd to , was to Horrid-Toms ; where we had good Wine , and better Company ; and being my Wedding-Day , I went home to Dine with my Bride , and in the Evening prevail'd with her to go to the Ball. Which is always kept at the Town-Hall , a very spacious Room , and fitted up for that Purpose . During which , the Door is kept by a couple of Brawny Beadles , to keep out the Mobility , looking as fierce as the Uncouth Figures at Guild-Hall ; there was Extraordinary Fine Dancing , ( and how could it otherwise chuse ) for Spouse and I had a Hand in it . A Consort of Delicate Musick , Vocal and Instrumental , perform'd by good Masters : A Noble Collation of dry Sweat-Meats , Rich Wine , and Large Attendance . The Lady who was the Donor , wore an Extraordinary Rich Favour , to distinguish her from the rest , which is always the Custome ; and before they break up , to chuse another for the next Day , which fell upon a Shentleman of Wales ; but hur no ways Derogated from hur Honour , or Disparag'd hur Countrey in the least , but hur was as Noble , and as Generous , as e'er an English Shentleman of them all : To hur Honour be it Spoke . The next Day the Ladies Baggage Arriv'd from London ; then they made as topping a Figure as any of them all ; and the first Night after their Publick appearance , we were so troubled with some serenading Coxcombs , that the whole Family got up , and had not Mrs. Betty , been very vigilant , my new Adopted Flesh and I , had been catch'd abed together ; for which good Service , I rewarded her with a broad piece of her own Name . A Sunday we went to Church to the Abby , a very Ancient Cathedral piece of Antiquity , and kept as badly in repair ; 't is Crowded during Divine Service , as much as St. Pauls , in which time there is more Billet Deaux convey'd to the Ladies , than Notes to desire the Prayers of the Congregation at B's — Meeting-House : and as the Ingenious Doctor in his Discourse , told the Audience , He was afraid most of them came more out of Custome and Formality , than in Devotion to the Sacred Deity , or a sutable Reverence to the Place of Worship . Which was very True I am Confident , and the Ladies were the only Saints several came there to Adore ; as this Billet Deaux will confirm ; it was convey'd in a Candid Orange to a Lady in one of the Galleries , which she by Accident dropt , and I had the Fortune to find . Madam , Had Fortune that Fickle Goddess , but honour'd me with your Acquaintance , as she has by seeing of your Person , I should not have been so Presumptious as to have offer'd these imperfect Lines to your fair 〈…〉 Stars ordain'd me no such happiness , I was forc'd to make my 〈…〉 . Commit that to Writing , which ought rather to have been 〈…〉 this Evening I shall be in the Meadows , pitty your Slave , and 〈…〉 R. In the Evening 〈…〉 much resorted to for pleasant Rivers , and delicate 〈…〉 Parkfor Coaches , and a St. Iames's for Beau's and 〈…〉 there was Chaucer's Sempstress , my Lord R — Mantua-Makers 〈…〉 Fops , Antick Beaus , and Blustering Bullies innumerable , London 〈…〉 like Countesses , and case-harden'd Impudence ; bantering Young 〈…〉 Shopkeepers Prentices : Nay my Millenian Landlady , and her Sister 〈…〉 , and as well match'd as a pair of Nice Coach-Horses ; much much 〈…〉 for an obliging Temper , the other for a Beauty ; but ask 〈…〉 Cook , he 'll tell you they Rival each other in their own proper 〈…〉 After an 〈…〉 Walking , I Treated my Ladies with the best the Place afforded , and then returned Home . But the next Morning I receiv'd a Letter of Advice from London , of the Death of an Aunt , who had made me her Heir ; which put me in mind of the Old Proverb , It never Rains , but must Pour . However this was no ill News to my Bride , nor me neither ; only requiring my speedy appearance at London ; but I promised Spouse and the rest of my Acquaintance to be with them again in a Fortnights time , and tho' an Heir , took Leave of them with as much Regreet , as the Dutch-Guards of Kensington ; and the next Morning took Post for London . Having now given you an Account of my successful Step , I 'll make bold , and give you my Sentiments of the BATH . A Character of the Bath . 'T IS , neither Town nor City , yet goes by the Name of both ; five Months in the Year 't is as Populous as London , the other seven as desolate as a Wilderness . It 's chiefest Inhabitants are Turn-spit-Dogs ; and it looks like Lombard-street on a Saints-day . During the Season , it hath as many Families in a House as Edenborough ; and Bills are as thick for Lodgings to be Let , as there was for Houses in the Fryars on the Late Act of Parliament for the Dissolution of Priviledges ; but when the Baths are useless , so are their Houses , and as empty as the new Buildings by St. Giles in the Fields : The Baths I can compare to nothing but the Boylers in Fleet-lane or Old-Bedlam , for they have a reaking steem all the year . In a word , 't is a Valley of Pleasure , yet a sink of Iniquity ; Nor is there any Intrigues or Debauch Acted at London , but is Mimick'd there . FINIS .