The rambling rakes, or, London libertines by the author of The Step to the bath. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1700 Approx. 45 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 8 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67516 Wing W751 ESTC R8696 12381547 ocm 12381547 60781 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67516) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 60781) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 904:44) The rambling rakes, or, London libertines by the author of The Step to the bath. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 15 p. Printed and sold by J. How ..., London : 1700. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Attributed to Edward Ward. cf. BM. Advertisement: p. [2] Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Libertinism -- England -- London -- Early works to 1800. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-04 John Latta Sampled and proofread 2003-04 John Latta Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE Rambling Rakes : OR , London Libertines . By the Author of The STEP to the BATH . London Printed and Sold by I. How , in the Ram-Head Inn-Yard , in Fanchurch-street , 1700. Books Printed and Sold by J. How , in the Ram-Head-Inn-Yard in Fenchurch-Street ; and by M. Fabian , at Mercers-Chappel . 1. SOt's Paradise : Of the Humours of a Derby-Ale-House : With a Satyr upon the Ale. Price Six Pence . 2. A Trip to Iamaica : With a True Character of the People and Island . Price-Six Pence . 3. Ecclesia & Factio . A Dialogue between Bow-Steeple-Dragon , and the Exchange-Grashoper . Price-Six pence . 4. The Poet 's Ramble after Riches . With Reflections upon a Country Corporation . Also the Author's Lamentation in the time of Adversity . Price Six pence . 5. A Trip to New-England . With a Character of the Country and People , both English and Indians . Price Six pence . 6. Modern Religion , & Ancient Loyalty : A Dialogue . Price Six Pence . 7. The World Bewitch'd . A Dialogue between two Astrologers and the Author . With Infallible Predictions of what will happen from the Vices and Villanies Practis'd in Court , City , and Country . Price Six pence . 8. A Walk to Islington : With a Description of New Tunbridge-Wells , and Sadler's Musick-House . Price Six pence . 9. The Humours of a Coffee-House : A Comedy . Price Six Pence . 10. A Frolick to Horn-Fair . With a Walk from Cuckold's-Point thro' Deptford and Greenwich . Price Six pence . 11. The Dancing-School . With the Adventures of the Easter-Holy-Days . Price Six pence . 12. The First Volume of the LONDON-SPY : In Twelve Parts . 13. The Second Volume of the LONDON-SPY : In Six Parts . Price Six Pence each ; or they may be had both Volumes Bound together ; and also Bound with the rest of the Authors Writings . 14. The Metamorphos'd Beau , &c. Price Six pence . 15. The English Nun : Or , a Comical Description of a Nunnery . With the Lives and Intrigues of the Priests and Nuns Price Six Pence . 16. Laugh and be Fat : Or , an Antidote against Melancholy . Containing great variety of Comical Intrigues in Town and Country . To which is added Nine Delightful Tales . Price One Shilling . 17. A Step to the Bath : With a Character of the Place . Price Six Pence . 18. Labour in Vain : Or , what Signifies Little or Nothing , viz. I. The Poor Mans Petition at Court. II. Expectation of Benefit from a Covetous Man in his Life-time . III. The Marriage of an Old Man to a Young Woman . IV. Endeavours to Regulate Mens Manners by Preaching or Writing . V. Being a Iacobite . VI. Confining an Insolvent Debtor . VII . Promise of Secrecy in a Conspiracy . VIII . An Enquiry after a Place . 19. The Reformer . Exposing the Vices of the Age : In several Characters . viz. 1. The Vitious Courtier . 2. The Debauch'd Parson . 3. The Factious Hypocrite . 4. The Precise Quaker . 5. The Covetous Miser . 6. The Prodigal Son. 7. The City Letcher . 8. The Insatiate Wife . 9. The Amorous Maid . 10. The Beau Apprentice . 11. The City Mob . 12. The Country Squire . THE Rambling Rakes , &c. BEING something Indispos'd by a late Debauch , which confin'd me to my Bed some hours extraordinary ; during of which , I was as Squeamish as a New Married Woman , and lap'd more Mutton-Broth , than a Country-Dame in the Straw does Oatmeal-Caudle : About Three in the Afternoon I was sent for by a Friend , who had been doing the same Pennance , to Vulcan's Coffee-House in Stocks Market , once Fam'd for the Athenian Conclave , but now for the Grave Cabal of Colleterian Factors , and Renown'd Herb-women ; where we heard several pleasant Tongue-Combats . The first was between two Feminine Pull-Guts , concerning Priority ; for the Grey Mare was now the better Horse , notwithstanding her Husband had formerly been a Domestick to the others . They had both been taking a Cup of the Creature , and being at the Head of the Fountain , was the bolder with the Liquor ; but the noble Juice of the Grape so Exhillerated their Ten-penny Craniums , that their Noisie Nonsence far exceeded the Cataracts of Nile ; and with eagerness of Loquacity foam'd at the Mouth like a Dray-Horse . No sooner was this Fray ended , but C — the Circuli Tap-Lash , fell a Railing at the Parvous Fishmonger , for reporting he had made an Inspection into his Daughters Quarters , of which he gave a very nice Description ; and Demonstrated the Signes of a Mole to a Miracle . For which Stripp-Eel was Arrested , but prov'd it to be matter of Fact , before the Gigantick Figures at Guild-Hall ; whereupon poor Miss's Nunquam Satis became the subject of the Neighbourhoods Discourse . But the dull Mahometan Infusion not agreeing with our Maukish Pallats , we deposited our Pence , and cros'd to the East-side of the Market , to the Remains of a Tragematopola , or , to speak more properly , the Inconditus Grocer , Retailer of Nants , and an Uncouth , Sempstress , next door to the Sign of Aquila , to try the effects of a Golden Cordial ; where we found our Formal Hostess extraordinary Studious in consulting Aristotle's Master-Piece for the choice of a good Penis : She hath more Stitch'd Volumes in her Library , than e'er her Mother had Cherry-Sieves in her Stall . She 's Mamma's own Babe , an Eternal Tatler , and very Precise in her Discourse ; makes a pretty diminutive Figure in her Sundays Attire , which consists of at least Thirty Remnants , and hath more variety of Colours than the Rainbow . 'T is to be suppos'd she was Begot in the Dogg-Days , and that her Mother Engendr'd before she had cleans'd her Hands from the Scorbutick Filth of Green Wall-Nuts ; for she hath such a swarthy Tincture , that she hath often been tender'd the Paw , and taken for a Gipsy . Her Education is chiefly owing to her Mothers late Seminary , which was Billingsgate , and are both well vers'd in its Lingua . From thence we adjourn'd to the Sacerdotal-Cap , fronting Marble Majesty , with the Head of Rebellion under the Heels of his Prancer , where good Wine is no Novelty , which prov'd the best Cordial , reviv'd the puking Spirits and inspir'd us with fresh Vigour . To spend the Remaining part of the Evening , we agreed to go see a Play , and order'd Trip-stairs to see what was Acted . Gentlemen , say'd he , That requires at least an Hours time ; for there is lately Publish'd an Edict , that no Play-Bills shall be stuck up in the City Liberties , by reason they often tended to the Corruption of Youth . Bless me ! Cry'd my Friend , I am surpriz'd to hear that any should Abdicate Play-Bills , from the City-Gates , yet suffer the Church-doors to be Plaister'd over with Pocky ones , and their Walls Adorn'd with Piss-tubs . I am apter to believe , said I , 't is rather in Opposition to the Corruption of their Wives , and if possible to cut off their Communication with Quality , with whom they are generally Affected ; and the tempting Loll in a Coach and Six , hath prov'd more prevalent than the Holy Cross : And 't is a strong Argument , that too many have more Respect for a Pissing-Corner , than the Gates of the Sacred Temple . Discoursing of which , occasion'd us to call for the other Quart , so that we out-stay'd our Time ; and being too late for a Play , stroul'd to the Lunaticks Mansion in Morefields ( a Place famous for Assignations ) to pick up a Confiding Female ; but meeting with a Disappointment , we return'd to the Stocks-Market , where was variety of Company , devouring the product of Dame Natures Liberality . At one stall was a young Beau Clerk , wrapt in a Scotch-pledd , with a Pen stuck as stiff in his Hair as a Skure in the Flap of a Shoulder of Mutton , Treating his Masters Chambermaid with Strawberries , but as watchful as Argos ; and his Head as full of Motion as a Weavers-Shuttle , in watching his Masters Door , and Admiring Mrs. B — s Fiz , which plainly discover'd she bore no Antipathy against Chalk and Oat-meal . Hard by him was another of his Brothers of the Desk , and the round Shoulder'd Son of a Potter , Eating of Cherry's for the Plate , attended by more Spectators than the late Monstrous Fish at Black-wall . At another Stall was a leash of Virgins , the Daughters of a Horse-fac'd Midwife , near that remarkable piece of Antiquity known by the Name of London-stone , darting their Amorous Glances , to as little purpose as Washing an AEthiopian , and had no more influence , than a Poor-Mans Petition on a Courtier ; they are of a Masculine Hue , full Ag'd , and constant Lecturers , but as little esteem'd as Malt-Tickets ; Their Father , without doubt was a Hero , and had as bold an Appetite as he that first encounter'd an Oyster ; The Mother out-rival'd the late Hermaphrodite in More-fields for Features . At the Corner Stall was a young Upstart Money Merchant , buying Apricocks by the Dozen , with an Old Porter at his Heells bare Headed ; at which my Friend was mightily concern'd , to see one of Fortunes Fools , so idoliz'd by Age , and reverend Gray-hairs ; but another . Gentleman taking Notice of it , swore he had a mind to break his Head for having no more respect for his Fathers Profession . With that I ask'd him if he had any Acquaintance with him . He told me Yes , that his Father was a Porter , and Drummer to one of the Companies of the City-Trainbands , and 't is suppos'd he was taken on Charity by his first Master ; but he Dying , was shuffled about for some time , till at length the Sheerings of the Golden Fleece , and the Clusters of the Vine , have so Evapulated this proud Coxcomb , that his Dexterity in Cleaning of Shooes , the dandling of his Masters House-keeper , and his Honourable Title of Piping-Sam , is now Blotted from his Memory : Set a Beggar on Horse-back , he 'll ride to the Devil ; At the same Stall was Old Split-Fig , an Adjacent Grocer , and the uneven-leg'd Hosier , almost his Neighbour , joyning their Forces , for three Farthings worth of Currants ; and stood as hard for two or three Bunches over-Measure , as a Taylor for a piece of Carrot to a Two-penny Cut of Boild-Beef : The first is more Noted for a Miser , than the other is Admir'd by the Exchange Girles . He often trots to the Burrough-Market to save a penny in a Joynt ; and would sooner part with an Eye , than give a halfpenny to a poor Basket-woman . By the Antiquity of his Attire , he resembles a Spaniard ; and preserves his Ward-Robe for succeeding Generations . He is as great a stranger to the Taylors , as to common-civility . Not long since some unlucky Spark took the pains to send him the Epigram , on Diogenes's salutation to the Rich Croesus in Hell ; which for the Morality sake , I think not amiss to insert here . When the Tubb'd Cynick went to Hell , and there Found the pale Ghost of Golden Croesus bare ; He stops , and jeering till he shrugs again , Says , O thou Richest King of Kings ! What gain Have all thy Large heaps brought thee , since I spy Thee here alone , and poorer now then I ? For all I had , I with me bring ; but thou , Of all thy Wealth , hast not one Farthing now . But the greatest of our Diversion consisted in hearing of an old Basketerian , banter a young Eloquent Norwegian-Factor , whose time is but lately Expir'd ; and is now Master of a little dark Cave , ( but of less Sence ) in a Noble-street , from the Corner of which you have a fair Prospect of the Orphans-Conduit . He is of the same Opinion of the late Sir Iohn P — that every Generation grows Wiser than the former ; so by Consequence his Tallent must be very large . The Vulgar hath Corrected his Name by Adoption , to one more suitable to his Natural Parts , and Re-Baptis'd him Ben. He 's a Compleat Beau , bait but the two most Essential Parts of the Animal , that 's his Head and his Heels . But Notwithstanding his great Perfections , he has verified the Old Proverb , Fools have Fortune : But the Old Harradan being a little too Extravagant with her Clapper , was rebuk'd by his Neighbour the Friendly Tallow-Chandler : But the Old Woman gave very little Attention to his Reproof , and told him , Tho' he pretended mightily to the Spirit , 't was well known he was Fleshly given ; and his deeds was Dark , tho' by vocation he was an Author of Light , and a Confounder of Cotton . The Wine , Walk , and Fruit , Creating us an Appetite ; we quitted the Market , and hasted to the Sign of the Infallible-head , in an Alley that bears the same Title , as Noted now for Nice-Peck , as 't was formerly for an Amorous Bar-keeper : Having Anatomiz'd the Carcase of a cold Fowl , and wring'd a Lemon as hard as David Iones once did the Bankers Consciences ; We took leave of his Holiness , and went over to the obliging Relict of the late Alphabetical Cutler , who was Drinking of Burgundy Bumpers , with two or three Brawny Officers , to the commemoration of his deceas'd Honour . Having barter'd for some of her Commodity , we departed , but not without Tasting their Wine , and Saluting her Lips , which were as Clammy as Treacle , and as Red as her Neighbour , the Apocryphal Tonsor's Nose , which is Scarlet in Grain ; and of such a Spungy Nature , that it hath soak'd up more Claret than will float the Royal Soveraign . Standing at the Alleys End some short time , considering how to steer our Course ; and likewise viewing the noble Front of the Universal Correspondent Fabrick ; Lolling on each other in as lazy a posture , as a Walbrook Furrier in Iuly , or a Pater-noster-Row Mercer in December : In the Int'rim of which , outbolts a brace of Ladies , from the aforesaid Mansion , whose Airy Deportments , slow Motions , and Amorous Looks , gave us an Invitation to follow the tract ; which as soon as they perceiv'd , they put the black Pall o'er their Fizes ; and could no more forbear looking back than Lott's Wife , but gave as many backward Ogles , as the Hackney-Boarders in their Sundays progress , at the City Beau's : And fauntring after them as a Boy to School , till we had almost reach'd the Water-side , as we were just about to give them a Broad-side , and make our Addresses , as ill luck would have it , who should we meet but both our Dads , who were going to refresh their jolly Old Hearts at Heroick Guy's , near the Royal Edifice of Renown'd Gresham ; the Old Gentlemen would have perswaded us to go with them , for which we begg'd their Pardon , pleading Extraordinary haste for the payment of some Bills that Night . Whereupon they releas'd us , Commending our Dilligence , which I believe they would hardly have done , had they known our design on the Ladies , whom we resolv'd should be the Receivers . By this unexpected Accident we lost the sight of our Does ; but Conjecturing they were going either to Lambeth-Wells , or Cupid's-Garden , we hasted to the Old-Swan , presently took a pair of Oars , and by the laborious Tugg's of our Element Splitters , was soon convey'd to the Southern-Shore , near the Ancient Palace of England's head Prelate ; and ferriting about to recover our Loss , till we came to Lambeth-Wells , where I observd an Old Fornicator a Mutton-hunting , who by his sanctified Look , and Formal Carriage , one would have thought could have bid defiance to any Temptation of a Female Devil , & resisted the Lust of his own Flesh. My Friend hap'ning to know him , told me he was a Maggot-Monger by vocation , lived in Leaden-Hall-street , was formerly Excommunicated from the Church , and not long since narrowly escap'd it from the Assembly of the Faithful in Lime-street , and all for the tickling Sin of Whoring ; but on his Publick acknowledging his Crime , with a promise for a thorough Reformation for the Future , he was confirmed in the Congregation ; but he still retains his Integrity to Wenching ; and so predominant is his Flesh , that a Bull from his Holiness would no more be regarded , then the Reproof of the Elders . In the same Walk was the Widow of a late Grocer , but now the Wife of a Draper , rigg'd as fine as a Dutchess , with a Livery at her heels . Her Natural Complection is as swarthy as a Bantainer , but plaister'd o'er by Art as thick as the lid of a Goose-pye . She had a Crozier of Diamonds at her Ase — as big as a Frying Pan ; but the adjacent part has prov'd very unfruitful , having never Receiv'd the Blessing of the first Command ; and of all the Commandments , she regards the seventh the least . Under the Notion of Drinking the Waters , she carries on her Intreagues . She often boasts of being a Lady in few years ; and will bring the More-fields Star-gazer to avouch it . Among the Dancing-Crew was several whose Tails were far lighter than their Heels ; and the motion of their Buttocks so melted their Grease , that they out-sweated a Stoker to a Glass-house in Iune , or a Pye-Corner Cook during Bartholomew-Fair . The wipe with their Handcherchiefs , had so intermix'd the White and the Red , that their Faces look'd as Streaky as Marble-Paper . The Grains of their Skins by the Heat of their Body , and the Essence of Toes and Arm-pits , made such a Fumigation , that had not my Friend had a Bottle of Spirit of Harts-Horn , we had certainly fainted . There was one Lady of Pleasure , to whom Nature had been very liberal with her Endowments , as she was dancing a Jigg ( which she perform'd extraordinary well ) pulling out her Hankerchief to wipe her face , out drops a large piece of Green-Cloth , and as much Orice-root as would supply an Hospital for a Month , which dash'd her so much out of Countenance , that she departed , without making her Honours , so by consequence spoil'd her Market for that Evening . She is a true resemblance of Pandora's Box ; for she hath been in Kent-street-Lock more times than double the number of her hands and feet . The bulky mein Usher , with a white Wand in his hand , for the generality leads the Dance ; he steps as fine as a Mill-horse , has the Air of a Cow , and makes more Noise than a Captain of the Mob on the fifth of November . Seeing not our Ladies , we thought it lost time to stay any longer there , but hasted to Cupids-Garden , with as dejected a Countenance , as the Commissioners of the Land Bank on the News of Dr. Chamberlains trip to Holland ; and as big with expectation of finding them there , as his poor deluded Subscribers were of annual Estates ; but notwithstanding we were so vigilant that no mask of Petticoat ' scap'd us , we were baffled in our hopes , & our search had the same Effect as Penelope's Labour , therefore we resolv'd to strive no longer against the stream , but submit to what kind Chance should offer ; waiting for which , and walking about for an Opportunity , we took Notice of a Goggle-Ey'd Jew , of the Tribe of Mordecai , whose Habitation is not far from the Synagogue , and he particulariz'd by his black flews , Moross Speech , and Upright Gate , he mutter'd love to his Mistress , faster than their Orator pronounceth the Hebrew Law on their Sabbath , on which day , he carries no Pecunia in his Breeches , but will Whore , go to a Play , or Tavern , in the Evening , taking with him a Friend of a contrary Faith to disburse the Rino . He seem'd to be far more vigorous than a Stone-horse , and was so confounded Amorous , that we thought he would have cover'd her in our Sight . She 's the Uxorrous Dame of one of his Dependants , and as Notified for an Intreaguer at Cupids , as her Husband ▪ for one of Othello's Monsters ; she Patches to admiration , and Dresses with such a profound Air , that she 's envy'd by all her Neighbours of her own Sex near Cree-Church , and as much admir'd by the contrary . The next discovery we made , was an Intreague between a Shop-keepers Beau-Apprentice , on the Royal-Exchange , and the Wife of his Masters Bosom ; the Spark has a better Knack in pleasing the Ladies , than his Master , tho' he has been much admir'd by the Female Sex , but is so damnable Effeminate , that he has been Ridicul'd by the whole Town , and Censur'd hard for his Non-performance ; he is far Nicer than Sir Courtly in his Apparrel , and more troublesome to his Tonsor than the Scrubbado to a Sempstress ; and Garters so very Neat , that he often takes down his Glass in the Shop to admire his Legs ; he declares he could wish 't would become a Fashion for the Men as well as the Women to carry Umbrella's to Shelter them from the Weather ; and uses more Variety of Washes , than the once renown'd Bawd Madam Creswel . The Spark without doubt had made good use of his time ; and notwithstanding his Familiarity with his Mistress , he commiserated his Masters Confinement during their Absence by hasting home to shut up Shop . But finding none among all those numerous Intreaguers that resort there , tempting enough to break a Commandment with , or run the Risque of a Flap-Dragon ; After we had drank a Bottle or two of Red-streak , we departed ; resolving to go thorow-stitch in our pursuit , we boarded the Folly , a Place as worthy of it's Name , as a Thief of a Halter . Having enter'd the floating Seraglio , we were presently shew'd into Number Three ; and before we were well seated , came to us a Brace of Harlots , as lew'd as Sodomites , and as impudent as the Devil , and gave us an invitation to Dance : The Countenance of the Whores , was an Antidote against Carnality to us ; not but we were willing to be Lew'd , tho' not with such Common-Strumpets : However we bestow'd on them three or four Betys of prick'd Wine , the best the place afforded , which made their heads as light as their Tails , then dismist them to seek for fresh Company ; and presently the Noisie Instruments play'd , which was far more hideous than the ruff Musick at Ludgate , on the Conjunction of a Prisoner and his Wife , if possible ; and up starts a whole Covy of Whores , with their Cully Part'ners , placing themselves to Dance , with as much Decorum as the Cripplegate Pioneers on my Lord Mayors-day ; nay , I am confident there is hardly a Bawdy-House within the limits of the Bill of Mortality , but one of their Proselytes was there ; they will make as punctual a Bargain before they 'll go with you , as a Butcher in Smithfield-Market for Cattel ; but one of the Company , happening to spy out a Poulterian Jannisary among the Crow'd , discover'd him to the Mob , who was so enrag'd at the Catch-pole , that had he not made his Escape into a Boat , out of one of the Windowes , they had soon sent him to another Element , which is a far kinder fate than he Deserves , whose Actions are as Dark as his Name ; for there 's nothing that is Mercenary and Base , but is as Natural to him , as Milk to a Calf . Among this Chaos of Sexes , was a person of a Venerable Age , his Cloaths miserably tatter'd , and his Face as Pale and Wan , as if he had newly risen from the Dead , notwithstanding which , he still retain'd the Air and Appearance of one that seem'd to Command much Honour and Respect ; and shewing him to my Friend he knew him , and told me he is no more like the Man he was three years ago , than an Apple is like an Oyster ; he was then , said he , counted a Topping Merchant , and as noted a Capon-Eater , as belong'd to Haberdashers-Hall ; but by Misfortunes Abroad , his Lustful Inclinations , and shaking his Elbows , hath reduc'd him to what you see ; his being here now I presume is on no other Account , then to satisfie his Letchery . And no sooner had he spoke the word , but the old Fornicator had got him a Drab , and mov'd off seemingly as well pleas'd , as if he had been repossest of his former Fortunes . In the next Box to us was three Jilts , who had Drank pretty plentifully , not doubting but to light on some Cully to discharge their Reckoning , but being deceiv'd in their Expectation , and having no more Money than Honesty , they were oblig'd to leave a Pledge for it , so one left her Scarf , another her Hood , the third her Gloves , and took up three-pence in Money , for a Waterman to set them on Salisbury-Court Shore . Being now near Ten , we came from the Folly , and took Boat for the Temple , and went to the Devil to Enjoy our selves with a Glass of good Wine , after our successless Ramble ; and the Streets being Dry , and the Night light , we had a mind to Foot it home ; not in Consideration of saving Coach hire , but for the sake of Diversion , we imagin'd we should have ; but in Fleet-street overtaking an Ordinary Man , handing a young airy Lady , who made a very good Figure , we pretended some Acquaintance with her , and must needs take her from her Husband ( as we afterwards found him to be ) and Endeavoured to force her into a Tavern being something Elevated , and inamour'd with her Person ; but she crying out for Help and he getting timely assistance , she was soon Rescu'd , and we seiz'd , notwithstanding we lugg'd out our Steel , and Wounded two or three ; but the powerful stroaks of pairing Shovels , soon o'er-master'd our Swords , and the Constable took Care for a New Lodging for us that Night in the Counter ; which Occasion'd us to take Coach , which if we had done so at first , 't is possible we had lain at our Old one , But , Night , Wine , and Love , no Moderation bear ; Night knows no Shame , or Love and Wine no Fear . As soon as the Key was turn'd , the whole Family of the Rat-Castle , stock'd about us as thick as the Mob about an insnar'd Diver for Pence at the Post-office , demanding Garnish , which we presently paid , least we should be dismantl'd of our Rigging ; And being willing to be rid of our Company , we desir'd a Bed ; upon which we were conducted to a very indifferent one , for I dare be sworn the Sheets had perform'd several Voyages to the Indies under another Office , before they were converted to that use ; and for the Bed , I am Confident it had more Vermine than Flocks : But being full fraught with Wine and Vexation , at that Nights Adventure , we doz'd away the time till Morning appear'd . Then Consulting how to Manage this Misfortune , that it might not be blaz'd Abroad , or reach the Ears of our Friends ; and calling to mind a Splitter of Causes , who was a particular Friend of ours , we sent for him , and gave him an impartial Account of the Occasion of our Confinement ; whereupon he advis'd us to Endeavour , if possible , to prevent going before a Justice , and to make it up on any Terms ; demonstrating the Letter of the Law against any such rash Attempts . We Acquiesc'd in his Arguments , and were sensible of our Fault ( but too late ) and desir'd him to stay , till they and the Constable came ; but he told us that a Sister of his that liv'd near the Monument , sent to speak with him just before our Messenger came , on some Urgent Business , but would be back in an hour ; and if they came in the mean time , to desire them to stay till his return ; but before that time was half expir'd , comes the King of the Night , with his short Painted Trunchion of Authority , and two or three of his decripped Door-thumpers , and call'd for his Prisoners , telling us that both our Friend and Adversary , was at the Rose-Tavern at the Alley's-end , before whom we must make our Personal Appearance ; this seem'd strange to us , but however it was no Unwelcome News , by reason our Friend was there , but gave us hopes it might be Accommodated , and we not Expos'd before a Magistrate ; then paying our Fees , we quitted our new Lodging with as joyfull a Heart , as ever poor Wench that is past her Teens went to be Married . Being come to the Tavern , our Friend smil'd , telling us he was sent for by our Adversary , who was his Brother and Sister , to assist in the Prosecution of us ; but we being his Friends , he had prevail'd with them to put it up . At which we begg'd both their Pardons , pleading abundance of Contrition for the Abuse ; and the Wounds we gave in the Scuffle being but slight , we promis'd to pay the Cure , and a Gratuity for their Civility ; and giving Mr. Constable and his Assistant a Reward for their Trouble , we were as good Friends as good Company and good Wine could make us : And after about an Hour or two's Enjoyment , we discharged the Reck'ning , which mounted to about a Guinea , besides the other Expences , then took our leave and departed . My Friend and I Agreed to meet the next Morning at the Flanderkin Sutlers , who was so Ambitious of being a Vint'ner , that he gave 900 Yellow-Boys , for the influence of a Star near the Royal-Exchange ; but some Old Sophisters , who pretend to have mighty judgment in Astrology , prognosticate , that unless the Juice of the Grape be something extraordinary , he will quickly repent his purchase , and the Star be bury'd in a Cloud . But meeting according to Appointment , I perceiv'd my Friend to be very uneasie and melancholly , asking him the Reason , he answerd me , that one Misfortune seldom came alone , but was generally back'd by another ; and since we were no strangers to one anothers . Intreagues , he would give me an Account what has happ'ned since we parted . My Master , you know , has three Daughters , who are Youthful and tolerable Handsome , and no small Fortunes ; I being full Fraught with Vigour , and not able to resist such tempting Fruit , made Love to each of them , unknown to the other , pretending a great deal of Passion ; and so manag'd it , that there was no Suspicion or Jealousy in the least between them ; and to obtain my Desires , I promis'd them all Marriage , at which the poor deluded Fools , soon granted my Request : Since which , by my industrious Labour , they are all pregnant , and press me mightily for Marriage , which now is as far from my Thoughts , as they are Stale in my Embraces ; therefore I still put them off by some plausible Excuse , and defer'd it from time to time . But being pleas'd at Yesterdays success , after the Nights Misfortune ; and also being mighty full of Love , as I was going up to my Chamber I met one of my Loves on the Stairs , then taking her by the Hand , I led her into my Apartment ; where she was mighty Solicitous for me to fullfil my Promise , and I as Eager to renew our Joys . Having fast'ned the Door , she gave me the Trouble to use a little force , at which starts from behind the Curtain the Eldest Sister , which baulk'd my Design , and cool'd my Courage . She over-heard our discourse , and was a Witness of our Procedure ; fell into a violent Passion , Taxing me with Unkindness , Perjury and Fashood to her , who had been so liberal of her Favours , and lov'd me beyond Expression . Then Upbraiding her Sister , who was so supris'd , that she sunk Breathless into my Arms ; and being willing to be Eas'd of my burthen , I lay'd her on the Bed , and began to plead for my self to the enrag'd Charmer : But , Alas ! all that I could say rather Augmented her Fury , and had the same Operation as Oyl , to extinguish Fire . False , Ingrate , and Perjur'd Deluder , cry'd she , is it thus you reward me for all my Kindnesses , Extended to thee ? And is this the Effect of your mighty Passion , which so often you have invok'd the Sacred Deities to Witness ? Are all the Solemn Oaths and Protestations , which so often you have sworn on your Knees , now Cancell'd , and so soon forgot ? Thou who art the Author of my lost Honour , and increasing Shame , art thou now pall'd by Enjoyment ? And could you not content you self with being false to me , but also , must deceive my Sister , and ruine both our Fortunes ? Indeed 't is no more than what I have of late suspected , but now find too Evident ; And had not kind Chance , in your Absence , directed me to your Chamber , to seek for something to divert my self , I had still remain'd Ignorant of your Falshood . No sooner had she pronounc'd these words , but the intranc'd Partner of her Woe , recover'd her depriv'd Senses . At the same Instant one knock'd at the Door , which gave me hopes of relief ; whereupon I presently opened it , wishing I might be sent for out ; for I was in a damn'd Fatigue , at the discovery . But , ye Gods ! How was I dismay'd , to find the third Sister there , and would not be denyed Entring ? Nay , now , cry'd I , Fate do your worst ; then let her in . She finding one in Tears , the other like a Fury , made a scrutiny into the Occasion ; and 't was not long before she was satisfied , at which she kick'd up her Heels ; and Faith I thought was gone to carry the News to the other World. But in a short time coming to her self , she divulg'd her own Weakness , of being impos'd on by my pretended Love ; and gave me a second part to the same Tune . At length , all being silent with Grief , I spoke to them to this Effect , Fancying my self that Heroick Libertine , Don Iohn : Tou see , Ladies , how by Accident I am discover'd in my Amours with you all ; you have all declar'd to me severally you are with Child by me , and that I promis'd you all Marriage , which I Confess : But since 't is not in my Power to gratifie all your desires in performing my Promise , I do declare I renounce it to you all ; and advise you for your own Honour , not to divulge it , thinking thereby to Expose me ; for thereby your own Reputation will be Blasted : But by Concealing your own Frailties , since you are alike Guilty , things may be so manag'd that the Censorious World may be Ignorant of it . Then leaving them to condole one anothers Misfortunes , and contrive for their own Safety ; I came to meet you according to our Appointment . Most Sinners , said I , find by experience the truth of the Old Proverb , That Sweet-meats must have Sower-Sawce : And Ills , tho' perpetrated with the greatest Cunning and Security , are seldom exempt from the Punishment they deserve ; as I last Night Experienc'd , by a Misfortune attended with such amazing Circumstances as the hazard of my Life , and Distraction of my Senses . Which happened as follows . Having spen the remainder of the day ( when I had left you ) after a Drunken and Libidinous manner , about Ten a Clock at Night , I stagger'd from my Company , and rambled about Streets , in quest of Common Game , that the Wickedness of the Night , might Crown the Debaucheries of the Day ; and that I might continue a Fashionable Libertine in a hot pursuit of Vice without any Cessation , lest an Interval should cool me into Sober reflecting on my past Lewdness , and make me fit for Bedlam , rather than a true Penitent ; The next Morning accordingly I met with a stroling Strumpet , whose Face by Candle-light ( which commonly gives Advantage to the Female Sex ) look'd plaister'd over with Pomatum , and her Lips imbellish'd with a Counterfeit Colour to imitate a Healthful Redness : But however , the Power of Lust and Weakness of my Judgment , render'd any thing that appear'd in Petticoats Welcome to my fond Embraces ; so that with very little difficulty , I readily engag'd my Condescending Madam to accept of my Company , unwarily giving her the Priviledge to conduct me to what Place , her most Mercenary Ladyship should think convenient to spend the whole Night together , in the reciprocal Enjoyment of each others Company ; upon which , she took me under the Arm , as Lovingly as a Citizens Wife does her Cuckoldly Spouse , and convey'd me very safely into Salisbury-Court ; where we travell'd down the Lane as Lovingly together , as if we had been Bedfellows and Mess-mates together , ever since the Miraculous beginning of the late happy Revolution . At last she carry'd me into a House where a burly black Fellow with a Countenance as terrible as the Prince of the Devils , bid us wonderfully Welcome , and shew'd us into a back Kitchen , where the easiest Seat was a Buffer-Stool , and the rest of the Furniture fit for nothing but to be dedicated to the fifth of November , or to the Pious Memory of our Gracious Queen Elizabeth . By that time we 'd sat down , my Mistress tip'd the Wink for some of her belov'd Liquor , and presently in came a middle-Ag'd Harradan , representing the Hostess charg'd with a diminutive Quartern of infernal Spirits , having so many unlucky Signs in her dangerous Physiognomie , as if the Devil had travel'd thro' the Features of her Face , as the Planets thro' the Houses of the Heavens , and had left the mark of his Cloven Foot on every place he trod upon . The Brandy , or more properly Kill-devil , being raw , my Mistress complain'd it lay very cold upon her Stomach , and desir'd she might have half a Pint burn'd , to prevent her falling into a fit of an Ague ; which I , being a very liberal Gentleman , very readily consented to , or indeed any thing else , my Insinuating She-compound of Compound of Devilism was desirous to please her snuffling Pallat with ; her Dialect was so agreeable to the appearance of her Person , and the Pestiferous place in which we had taken Sanctuary , that I was mightily pleas'd to see every thing answerable to the Wicked Purpose I was thus far engag'd in . To what ever I said , she had a piece of Newgate-Cant , that she made applicable , and Thwarted my Bawdy-Rhetorick with as many May-be-not's , as a Bungler makes Why-not's in a whole days Play at Tick-Tack ; every now and then I heard a Lumbering in the House , and observ'd the People every time they came , to look with very busie Countenances : I was mighty Solicitous with my Mistress to go up to Bed , but she still resisted my Importunities by an Interferring request of t'other Quartern , which I still submitted to ; till at last Nature quite tir'd with the Day 's Fatigue , and my Brains over-burthen'd with the stupifying Fumes of our Fiery Devils-Piss , I fell fast a Sleep , and lay expos'd to the mercy of my Mercenary Mistress , and her vile Accomplices ; who hoisted me ( after what manner I know not ) up two pair of Stairs , took off most of my Cloaths , and laid me upon an old Flock-Bed by the side of a Dead Woman ; who I found afterwards had made her Exit in a Flux , and cover'd both up together , with an old Lousie red Rug , where I slept till near Day-light , by the Cold side of my Defunct Mistress ; in which time they remov'd all their Goods , which I suppose needed not many Carts to expedite their Conveyance , and amongst the rest , both my Money , and as much of my Apparrel as was worth their taking ; locks up the House , puts the Key under the Door , and there leaves poor Pill-Garlick Snoaring , in this hopefull Condition , Dreaming nothing of the matter : The Watchman coming by , past Four a Clock , gave an Audible Thump at the Door , according to Custom ; and the House being Empty so encourag'd , the Sound , that it struck as powerfully upon my Ear , as if a Demi-Culverin had been fir'd at my Beds-head , or I 'd been hoop'd up in a Drum between a couple of Calves Skins , and somebody had been beating on 't ; insomuch that it wak'd me , and put me in a great Quondary to think whither I was got ; remembring very well I came into an Ale-house with a serviceable Drudge call'd a W — re , but could not recollect any thing of my coming to Bed ; Extending my Arm a little from my Body , I found I had a Bed-fellow ; and the heat of the Brandy having very much inflam'd my most Sinful Parts , I began Presently to examine what Old Nick had sent me , a Male or a Female ; and finding on 't of the right Sex , to tell you the Truth on 't , I began to be wonderful kind , and hug her as close as a strenuous Lover ought to do a new Mistress ; but found her very Cold , very and very fast asleep , as I thought ; so believing she had been , like my self , at hard Service the Day before , I even like a good careful Bed-fellow , cover'd her up as warm as I could , and turn'd my self about to take t'other Nap till Day-light , by which time I was in good hopes my Mistress would have Feasted Nature with sufficient rest , and her frozen Limbs would have recover'd such warmth , as would have made her fit for Humane Action ; having compos'd my self again , I slept soundly till the Sun had peep'd above our Horizon , and somebody came ratling at the Door , with as much Authority , as a Church-Warden at an Ale-house knocker , in the middle of Sermon-time ; which awak'd me out of my sweet Sleep , and brought me waking into a great many troubles ; I rub'd my Eyes and began to look about me , and seeing a Bed without Curtains , Walls without Hangings , a Hearth without a Grate , and a Room without Chair or Table ; I began to be a little surpris'd and turning to my Mistress attempted to wake her , but found her , as stiff as a Marble Statue , as Cold as a Snow-Ball , as Deaf as a Mute , as Blind as a Beetle ; in short , as Dead as a Herring ; finding nothing in the Room , but a Tin Spitting-pot , and an Earthen Bed-pan ; by which I reasonably conceiv'd she Dyed in her Calling , and between the Distemper and Medicine , Pox and Mercury , was carry'd the Lord knows whither , to give an Account of her Stewardship . All this while somebody ratling at the Door , as if either a Constable was come for me , or the Devil for the Corps ; which lamentable fright , together with the other grievous Circumstances I lay under , had like to have caus'd so great a difference between Soul and Body , that 't was as much as ever I could do to keep 'em in one anothers Company ; still hoping there was somebody in the House , tho' as things appeared there was little reason to believe it ; still every half Minute I had a fresh Alarm , and at last venturing down into other Rooms , found nothing but a Vacancy , having carry'd every thing clear off , but the Dead Carcase of a Woman which marry'd men generally account to be their best Houshould stuff : At last I ventur'd to peep out at Window , to see what furious Assailant attack'd our Castle with such a vehement Pulsation ; seeing only a single Man , who look'd like a Rogue , tho' not like a Constable , I ask'd him what he wanted ? He told me , To speak with the People of the House , for that he was the Landlord . I told him they were not within ; but he being , I suppose , a Confederate in the design , was very preremptory , vowing he would come in , either by force or consent , and that if I would not give him Entrance , he would fetch a Constable and break the Door ? Which upon good consideration , I thought better to be opened by fair means ; accordingly I went down , took up the Key , which was thrust under the Door , and gave him admittance , who as soon as he came in , look'd round about him , with a counterfeit stern look , and ask'd , What was become of the Goods ? I told him truly I could not tell , but believ'd they were gone with the People ? How , says he , Pray what do you do in the House , if my Tenant be march'd off with his Effects ? In answer to which , I told him the Truth of the whole Story , which , I suppose , he knew well enough before ; with which he would by no means be pacify'd , crying , I was a Confederate in removing the Goods off the Premises , and that they ow'd him a Twelve-months Rent , and he would make me pay it , or he would trounce me for assisting them ? Besides , he did not know but the Woman was Murder'd , and would have me before the Lord chief Iustice , if I would not comply to give him the Arrears . Which I thought it rather Prudence to submit to , than to stand the Test of the matter , in so Scandalous an Adventure ; which if it had reach'd my Fathers Ear , might have been the cause of my disinheritance ; so that I sent to a trusty Friend for Cloaths and Money , made up the Business , and left the poor Woman , without further enquiry , to be bury'd by the Parish . If such a Trick won't cool the Lust of Man , Sure nothing but Age , Death , or Sickness , can : Reader take Care of Iilts , for here you see , Living or Dead , they have been Plagues to me . FINIS