The dancing-school with the adventures of the Easter holy-days. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1700 Approx. 44 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67499 Wing W731 ESTC R18373 12438430 ocm 12438430 62057 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67499) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 62057) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 300:7) The dancing-school with the adventures of the Easter holy-days. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. [3], 3-16 p. Printed by J. How ..., London : 1700. Written by E. Ward. Cf. Halkett & Laing (2nd ed.). First ed. Cf. NUC pre-1956. Advertisements: p. [3]. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-04 John Latta Sampled and proofread 2003-04 John Latta Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE Dancing-School . WITH THE ADVENTURES OF THE Easter Holy-Days . LONDON , Printed by I. How , in the Ram-head-Inn-Yard , in Fanchurch-Street , 1700. Books Sold by J. How , in the Ram-Head-Inn-Yard in Fanchurch-Street ; J. Weld , at the Crown between the Temple-Gates in Fleet-street ; and Mrs. Fabian , at Mercers-Chappel in Cheapside . 1. SOt's Paradise : Or the Humours of a Derby-Ale-House : With a Satyr upon the Ale. Price Six Pence . 2. A Trip to Iamaica : With a True Character of the People and Island . Price Six Pence . 3. Eclesia & Factio . A Dialogue between Bow-Steeple-Dragon , and the Exchange-Grashopper . Price Six Pence . 4. The Poet 's Ramble after Riches . With Reflections upon a Country Corporation . Also the Author's Lamentation in the time of Adversity . Price Six Pence . 5. A Trip to New-England . With a Character of the Country and People , both English and Indians . Price Six Pence . 6. Modern Religion and Ancient Loyalty : A Dialogue . Price Six Pence . 7. The World Bewitch'd . A Dialogue between Two Astrologers and the Author . With Infallible Predictions of what will happen from the Vices and Villanies Practis'd in Court , City and Country . Price Six Pence . 8. A Walk to Islington : With a Description of New Tunbridge-VVells , and Sadler's Musick-House . Price Six Pence . 9. The Humours of a Coffee-House : A Comedy . Price Six Pence . 10 A Frolick to Horn-Fair . With a Walk from Cuckold's-Point thro' Deptford and Greenwich . Price Six-Pence . 11. The First Volume of the LONDON-SPY ? In Twelve Parts . 12. The First , Second Third , and Fourth Parts of the Second Volume of the London-Spy . All Written by the same Author . THE Dancing-School , &c. IN the Week before Easter , when School-boys plead their old Charter of Omnia Bene , in opposition to the Tyrannical Injunction of Buttock-Pennance , inflicted according to the Arbitrary Wills of those Grammarian Monarchs , who Govern absolute in their Kingdoms of Instruction , who now , pursuant to an old Custome , submit to a Cessation of Birch Arms , by which they us'd to Rule , Awe , and Terrifie their Infant Subjects ; and when Womens Taylors were as busie in Turning of old Gowns , and Repairing the Decay'd Ornaments of Maids , Wives , and Widows , to set them off , as Nature does the Season of the Year , to the best advantage , that they may walk with their Gallants to Islington , and there make as great a Consumption of Bottle-Ale and Plumb-Cakes , as ever was made of Pig , Pork , and prick'd Wines , during the Revels of St. Bartholomew : 'T was then I found my Blood had acquir'd a pleasing warmth , and as it Circulated thro' its Channels , gave to each Vein a Voluntary Titillation , without either Female Dalliance , or the force of Imagination ; that I began to be as Rampant as a Parsons Bull in the Spring , turn'd into new Pasture ; and could think of nothing but fine Faces , Charming Bubbies , Plump Hips , Soft Bellies , Condescending Mo-Mo-Modicums , and such sort of strange Whimsies ; that I found my self almost as Mad as Women Troubled with a Fura Matricis , and could not any longer be without the Nocturnal , as well as Diurnal Happiness of Female Conversation . In order to Lawfully procure to my self this mistaken Blessing , which every Fool Admires till he Enjoys , and Enjoys till he Despises , I began to consider the easiest and most probable means of obtaining this delightful Fangle , or Modish Bauble , call'd a Woman ; and such an one as a Man might be Content to be Plagu'd with all days of his Life , for the sake only of the Old Trade of Basket-making ; at last , I made this Result , from some hours Deliberation , That the common Method Citizens take to be made Cuckolds , might be as ready a Road to Matrimony , as any Man could think on : Upon which I bought me about two Pound and a half of Wig , two or three Ells of Cravat , had a Gold Hat-band Stich'd cross the Crown of my Hat , and the Frogs of my Belt let down as low as the Rowls of my Stockins : Thus at a few Guineas Expence , made my self as pretty a Fool in Fashion , as any 's to be seen at Fop's Coffee-house , or amongst the Audience at a New Play. When thus Equip'd , it being a great Ball-Week , I had recourse to a Dancing-School , which I thought was the best Rendesvouz of willing Tits , that a Man under my Circumstance could desire to shake his Breech amongst , by a little Seal'd Warrant , commonly call'd a Ticket , which I had procur'd from the Lord Caperer Paramount , of Currant , Minuet , and Bory ; I obtain'd admittance , Crowding in with a parcel of Grave Matrons , who had left their Husbands at home , some to keep Shop , and othres to keep Bars , whilst themselves became Spectators of their pretty Daughters Perfections . I had not been long settled amidst the Motherly Assembly of Cheapside-Quality , but I found my self as Warm as a Dutch Womans Honour , when a Stove's under her Petticoats ; being quickly brought into such a fine Breathing Sweat , that I began to be much about as easie under the Heat , as a new Marry'd Man under Matrimony at Midsummer , that like him what I expected would have prov'd a Pleasure , I found now to be down-right Drudgery ; as soon as the Room was fully furnish'd with fine Ladys , who were rang'd by the Master of the Revels , in as regular an order , as Painted Gallipots in an Apothecary's Shop ; the pretty Female Poppets who were to Entertain the Company with some new French Figaries , and feats of Activity , were Usher'd into Publick View , adorn'd with precious Stones , collected from several parts of the Town , to set off their Nursery of Bellfa's to the best Advantage ; who came in by two , and two , as exactly Pair'd as ever I saw Coach Horses ; and droping their Honours to the Assembly , mov'd cross the Room to their Places , as Formal , and as Stiff , as Figures in a Raree-show , or a Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen , going to deliver an Adress to show the City's Loyalty ; several Branches as well as Sconces of Candles being lighted , and the Room being Cramm'd as full of Company , as St. Brides Church , upon a Spittle Psalm at Easter , or an Anthem on Cicelia's Day : The Schollars being rang'd upon Forms or Shelves in several Degrees , one above another , the biggest being seated uppermost , like the great Dishes in a Kitchen above the Plates ; but were so mightily infected with the Green Sickness , that the paleness of their Faces made their Heads look in rows like the Poor's Whiteloaves in a Church : A Concert of Coleyard-Musick was thrust up into a Bow-Window , where they sat thrashing of Minuets and Bories , till their Faces Rain'd Sweat upon their Papers and their Instruments , and made 'em look with as good a Gloss , as if they had been new Varnish'd ; but stoping the Pores of the Wood , so Damp'd the sound , that had they strung up an old Butter-firkin for a Base , and made their Trebles of Lignum Vitae , they could not have impos'd a worse Sound upon the Ears of the Audience than they did : I look'd about me , like a Beau in a Play-House , to take a general Survey of the Ladies round me , and thought my self as happy in my Company , as the Great Turk amidst his Seraglio , and pleas'd my self with the Thoughts of having the Power to choose any one out of the Fair Number . All things being now in order to begin to show , Monsieur Shake-legs Faces about to his fair Company of Female Pupils , whom he had brought under such Discipline , that at one Word of Command , they advanc'd forward from their Seats , seeming all to be as ready to put themselves upon a Gallop , as so many Post Horses ; when they had put themselves in a Ring , like so many Country People going to Play at Drop-Glove , very concise Orders were dispatch'd to the Listening Crowdero's to play the Brawles ; which being done , the Cock led up the Chickens , and away they scoured Round the Room after one another as if they were playing at Train-Tro ; at which kind of Sport they continued till they had tired the Company , much worse than themselves , before they chang'd into Variety ; and than we had as many Changes given us upon Currant , Bory Minuet , and Fig , as could be rung upon four Bells , now and then intermix'd with a Figure-Dance , where they look'd like so many Girles running the Mazes in Tuttle-Fields , and she that run thro' with the least faults , should have a Ginger-Bread Husband for her Reward : Every Dance I perceiv'd , prov'd an excellent Sudorisick to the Master , who now look'd as Red in the Face , as if his Head had Blush'd for his Heels , and that he thought in his own Conscience , it was too Effeminate a Profession to raise a Man to the Dignity of Lord-Mayor , or to be the Study of a Philosopher , that had any Guts in his Brains , to make himself Learned in the sundry Motions and Measures of the Foot. I could not forbear thinking it might be properly enough said , that a Dancing-Master , is the only Creature in the Creation that Walks with his Heels upwards ; for no doubt on 't , for the great Service they do him , he prefers them in his own Opinion above his Head ; and things are to Mankind , not as they really are , but as we make 'em , and believe ' em . By this time , some Brother Professors of the Step , were hopp'd into his Assistance , and gave him the Opportunity of retiring , partly thro' Ostentation , and partly for refreshment , to change his Dancing Accouterments , and Entertain the Eyes of the Spectators with a new piece of Prodigality ; making his Re-Entrance as fresh upon the Stage of his Theatre in Epitomy , as a Lincolns-Inn-Field Wrastler , after he has recover'd new Vigour from the Sucking of two or three China Oranges ; and then amongst 'em the poor Girles were so throughly Exercis'd , that some of them began to hobble like a Woman just lifted off a Horse-back , who has lost Leather by the Fatigue of a long Journey . The Candles now began , for want of Snuffing , to burn as dim as if the Room had been Haunted with Evil Spirits , so that there was a short Cessation of Dancing for a time ; and the Activity of the Foot was forc'd to give way to the Imployment of the Hands , which Danc'd round the Branches with such wonderful Expedition , that I could not forbear thinking the Man that Snuff'd the Candles , was as great a Proficient in his way , as he that had hired him for that purpose ; in every Interval the Quarteridges flow'd so fast into the Masters Pocket , that the Money chinck'd as he Caper'd , almost as loud as the Bells of a Morice-Dancer , when he is hopping about the Hay ; and I suppose , was much Pleasanter Musick to his Ears , than that he Danc'd to . The Tattles of the Motherly Spectators , began now to swell into great Emulation , every one giving her own Female Off-spring so large a Character of the sweet humour and Disposition of her Child , that it is scarce to be Credited ; and so highly Commended the Docibility of the poor Lamb , that she had not gone to School above a Fortnight , but she begun and made her Father a Band of as good Point as ever was brought from Venice . Ay truly , I believe in my Conscience , 't is one of the Tractablest Children , I must say that for her , that ever poor Woman brought into the World ; and truly , as long as I and her Father are able to give it her , she shall want no Education to make her a Gentlewoman ; for tho' we Sell Ale , 't is true , yet , we bless God for it , we get our Money as Honestly , and Enjoy our selves as Comfortably as any People in our Station throughout the whole Parish , Marry do we , and I don't know why , if we are able , we should not give our Children as good Breeding as any Body . Truly Neighbour , says another , You 're of my Mind , I declare it , for what ever shift I make upon my own Account , my Children shall Learn their Haviours , and not be Bred up Clowns , like Dorothy Mopsly , or Sarah Varges , that hang down their Heads when they come amongst Strangers , as if they were Bred in a Hogsty ; and look so Sheepishly as if they could not say Bo to a Goose , when they meet him ; or had not Confidence enough to sit a minute upon a Lovers Knee , that Courts 'em in the way of Civility . Such sort of Talk as this , fill'd up the space of every Interval ; the Master of the Ceremonies , full of Patience and Low Bows , submiting to the reproofs of some Mothers , who were Jealous of his Care and Diligence to their Children , ascribing their Daughters Dullness and Natural Defects , to their Masters Negligence , the Doting Mother being as unable to discern the Faults and Impediments of her own Progeny , as the Loving Cuckold is to believe the Failings of his Wife ; others so Extravagantly Opinionated of their Daughters Performances , that the poor Wretch must be made a Slave to the Folly of her Parent , and be call'd upon every minute to Answer by a dull Repetition of her Excellencies , either the Pride of her Mother , or Vanity of her Master , she being , 't is likely , in the Thoughts of both , no small Credit to him that taught the pretty Dancer , as well as she that bore the pretty Miss . The rest of the Spectators , as well as my self , began now , I believe , to be pretty well tired with the dull Swimming , and Capering , of ev'ry Sweating Salatrix . The whole Company being made as hot and as wet , by Crowding so close , and Sucking in one anothers Breaths , that had a Batch of hot Rye-Bread been Anointed with Whey-Butter , just under our Noses , they could not have prov'd a Sourer Nosegay , than what sprang out of the Pores of the Melting Assembly , during the Time we were under this uneasie Confinement ; for there was no stirring without a general Consent ; People were thumping at the Door , as if Distracted , for admittance , like so many Batchelours strugling to Enter into the State of Matrimony , not at all considering the wonderful Inconveniencies the many People were under , who had fallen into it already , and would as gladly get out on 't , could they break those Ecclesiastical Fetters which bind them to their Bargains . At last the Door being opened to let out some-body , who was , or as least plaid the Hypocrite for their Ease , and pretended to be Fainting , In broke a Rabble of People from without , of all Ages , both Sexes , and divers Qualities , from the Inns-of-Court Clark , to the Footman , and the Town-Lady , to the Tavern Kitchen-Wench , that like so many Wheat Eares cramm'd into a Tunbridge Pye , we Stew'd , Cocks and Hens together , till we were throughly Bak'd in our own Fat and Gravy . This disorder , to the great satisfaction of all those who had been long Sitters , was some occasion of shortning our Pennance ; so that the remainder of our Fooleries was order'd , first to be a Figure and a Song ; and then the whole Entertainment to be turn'd up in a few Country Dances , that the Ladies , I suppose , might Couple themselves at last with Partners , who at least would be so Civil to see them safe Home to their several Habitations , if not make an Amour to 'em , and give 'em some Hopes of a further satisfaction : The Song that they Sung was , I suppose , in Praise of Singing and Dancing ; there was something in 't , of Come let 's Trip it o'er the Plain , And Sing and Dance a Main , or such sort of stuff , which I don't think worth Representing to the Reader : I have given instead , one of my own as applicable to the purpose , which I hope will give him greater Diversion . A Song upon Dancing . DAncing was first a Maggot Bred , In some Musicians Crazy Head : When Ripe , being Slip'ry as an Eel , It slid from thence , into his Heel ; And there it to this Day remains , Having no further need of Brains ; Making 'em Skip with Nimble force , As Eels i' th' Belly of a Horse : Which Jockies use each Market-Day , To make 'em Dance , as People say . Who Teach this slight of Foot in Schools Great Rev'rence pay to Single Souls : And little Friendship have for those , Who always deal in double Shoes . Some Men by Learned Heads grow Great , But they advanc'd are by their Feet , The Grandure of the World Despise , And ne'er above a Caper Rise : And when all 's done , their formal Steps and Scrapes , Makes Women Lucifers , and Men but Apes . Their Song , instead of mine , being ended , as scurvily out of the Key , as an Epithalamium sung by a Consort of Stroling Fidlers under a Bridegrooms Chamber-Window . The Word was no sooner given for Country Dances , but away scour'd an Auxiliary Troop of London-Prentices cross the Room , made , an on-set upon the Ladies , as if they had been going Vi et Armis , to Commit a Rape upon the whole Female Convention ; And when every one had chose a Mate , as Birds upon a Valentines Day , Green Sleeves and Pudding-Pies was Order'd to be struck up , and away they mov'd in Couples after the Master ; who led up the Dance , like so many Hounds following the Heels of a Huntsman , and shook their Breeches , with as much seeming satisfaction to both Sexes concern'd , as so many Faries could possibly Enjoy in a Midnight Dance , upon a Lonely Plain in the Moon-shine . By this time I was thoroughly tired , as ever was poor God-Father at a Christening , and having next to me a pretty kind of a Woman , at the full Age of Maturity ; who look'd Modest enough , as times go , to refuse a Man to be a Mistress , without a very close Siege , long Fatigue , large Expence , lavish Promises , and the like ; which I had no great Mind to be at the Trouble of , but rather to Endeavour to Discover whether she had Virtue and Money enough , answerable to her outward Perfections , to make a Wife on : Accordingly I withdrew my Eyes from the Dancers , and apply'd a Succeeding Number of Affectionate Glances to my Charming Neighbour , as the best Preface I thought I could use to my following Solicitations , considering our Looks render our Passions as Intelligible as Words , and oftentimes leave behind 'em a far deeper Impression . When I had practised this sort of Ogling for a few Minutes , and gave her Signal Reasons to believe my Eyes meant something which my Modesty hitherto , or some other Difficiency , had hinder'd my Tongue from more plainly Expressing , I began to break out into such sort of Impertinence , as Lovers usually Preamble with to introduce an Amour , to which she gave her Attention , with as Modest an Indifference as becomes a Woman of Discretion . This Heighten'd the good Opinion I had conceiv'd , tho' it put me to a greater puzzle to find Talk to Entertain her ; for the less free a Woman is , the more it puts a Man upon his Guard , and gives him the Trouble of Placing his Words under greater Discipline , for fear he should be Laugh'd at ; it being Natural for Persons who say but little , to observe much , and take the greater Advantage of others Failings . At last I proceeded to an Encomium on her Beauty , which I found after the first Trembling on-set , had inspir'd me with such Eloquence that my Fancy Soar'd to more Hyperbole's than ever were stuff'd into an Accademy of Compliments : These I perceiv'd gave the Eares of my new unknown Mistress a little Titillation , and made her begin to Talk as fast in Contradiction of my Flatteries , as she term'd 'em , as I could find words to Exhibit those Sentiments which the seeming Innocence of her Charms had influenc'd me to conceive of her pretty Person . By this time , being as much pleas'd with her Witty Conversation , as I was before with her outward Appearances ; I began to press hard to inform me by which of these three Titles she distinguish'd herself , viz. Maid , Wife , or Widdow ; considering with my self , in this Ripe and forward Age , she was scarce Young enough to be the former , and full Old enough to be either of the latter ; at last after much Pains and Entreaties , I extorted a Confession of her Circumstance , from her Sweet and Alluring Lips , which was attended with so Innocent a Blush , when she told me a Maid , that none could have exprest , but she that deserv'd the Title . Having thus far proceeded to my Satisfaction , I had great hopes she would prove in reality , what her Carriage , as well as own report , represented her to be ; and now chang'd the former method of my Talk , into importunies of waiting on her Home , to Protect her from the Accidents and Insolencies of the Night , so Beautiful a Creature was liable to in the Street ; which after many Humble Solicitations , as well as Arguments , I prevail'd with her to Consent to : My Happiness now began to swell in Proportion to the Favour she had granted me , reflecting at the same time on her Sweet Beauty and Deportment to heighten the Obligation , till I was grown as over-Joyful at these my first Successes , as a Young Counsel that had carry'd a Cause , or a Young Duellist that had Disarm'd his Adversary . By this time the Dancers having tired their Legs , as much at their Pastime , as the Fidlers had their Arms in Playing to 'em , the Master changing his Spanish-Leather Shooes , for French-Wax , and the City Beaus having buckled on their Street-Travelling Neats-Leather , and put their Pumps into their Pockets , whilst the Ticklers of Cats Guts were Baging and Casing up their Musical Handsaws , together with their instruments , and the Dancing Masters Equipage , were Poisoning out the Company by Extinguishing the Lights , and saving the Candles-Ends , to show their Masters good Husbandry ; so that the People began to Crowd out as fast into the Air for Refreshment , as they Throng'd in for Diversion ; till it came to my Mistresses turn and mine , to relieve our Nostrils from a mixture of ill Scents , and squeez our selves out of the Door , thro' which Men , Women , and Children , Ebb'd out as fast as Water thro' London-Bridge at a Spring Tide ; till at last without use of our Legs , we were carry'd into the Street with the force of the Current , like a Chip along a Kennel after a Showr of Rain ; where I call'd a Coach , and handed her in with as much Delight , as ever an Old Miser thrust Gold into his Hoard , or a Usurer a Bond and Judgment into the Drawer of his Closet . I now improv'd every minute to the utmost , and was so all over Love , that I was afraid the Flame in my Breast , would have Consum'd my willing Carcase in as little time as Fire does a Brush Faggot , in a Tavern : I now having gather'd from her , who she was , and where she Liv'd , and a Promise of her Company on Easter-Monday , upon large Protestations of my Civil Behaviour towards her , which she had ty'd me up to , with all imaginable Strictness ; and setting her down at the distance she requested from the Habitation of her Friends , I Modestly wish'd her all Happiness , till our next merry Meeting according to appointment ; and so we parted . I was mighty well pleas'd with reflecting , on the fair Progress I had thus succesfully made in my new Intrigue : Which according to the good Opinion I was willing to have of my pretty Mistress , I thought well worth Mannaging , and resolv'd with my self , since I had made so fair a Beginning , I would pursue it to some End or other , without foul reasons to the Contrary . Having thus parted with my Cherubimical Acquaintance , I retir'd home to my Lodging , being under too great an Amorous Inflamation for any thing to cool , as I thought , but a secure possession of her sweet Embraces , and Dilectable Conversation ; of which I had such extravagant Conceptions , that I had rais'd her Perfections in my Opinion above Humanity . Sleep , which we find by experience is the best and most Natural Relief for an Intoxicated Mortal , under the Enchantments of Bacchus , had no manner of Effect upon my more dangerous Distemper , Love ; for when I arose in the Morning , after a Nights repose , I found as great a refreshment of my Passion , as I did of my Body ; and could foresee no other measures to prevent the re-encrease , or check the violence of my Flame , but the means Nature has appointed for the relief of both Sexes under so intollerable a Condition . I therefore thought it necessary to employ Loves common Confident , the Pen , and try if the trusty Conveyance of my Affection by a Letter , might not be a means of kindling the like Desires in my new-found Angel , which her prevailing Beauty had rais'd in her Languishing Admirer to so Superlative a Degree . Accordingly I adjourn'd from home , to the next Coffee-house , where , after I had wish'd her all Happiness , equal to her Perfection , in a large Glass of cold Tea , which I accounted the best Liquor to inspire a young Lover , with extravagant Thoughts and apt Phrases , for the discovery of so stubborn a Disease ; which nothing could palliate , but her Company ; and nothing Cure , but the Embraces of her who had thus infected me ; I apply'd Pen to Paper , and dispatch'd this following Epistle to the Lady ; which , because I found her wittily inclin'd , I digested into a Comical Stile , that she might at once be Diverted with my Letter , and pleas'd with her own Conquest . Madam , AS sure as ever a Rattle-Snake with his Eyes ever tempted a Squirrel to drop into his Mouth , so sure am I enchanted with the Lustre of your fair Features , that I could tumble into yours , were it but big enough to hold me . Had not the Promise you have made me , to see me next Monday Morning , given me as great assurance of being once more happy , as ever poor Cuckold had of being always Miserable , if he has a handsome Woman to his Wife , and wants patience to bear with her ; I should as certainly have run stark-mad , thro' despair of your Company , as ever was Old Maid , that had married an Eunuch , or an Old Gazette-Monger , that had lost his Spectacles As your Beauty has made me burn like a Taylors-Goose , just fetch'd home from an Ale-house Kitchen , so use me , Dear Madam , that I may press down the Seam of your Perfections ; that my Weight , together with my Warmth , may lay 'em all as flat as a Flounder . I have as little to say to recommend my self to your Favours , as a Modern Poet has in the defence of an old Version of the Psalms : But only that I Love , Honour , and Adore you , as much as ever an old doting Fool did Antiquities , or more than my Lord-Mayors Sword-Bearer does Custard . I therefore hope in time you will think I have as just a Title to your Affections as an honest Man has to a good Name , or an Old Scold to a Ducking-Stool . And if you , most Salutiferous Lady , will , upon the Receit hereof , vouchsafe but to admit me into one Corner of your Affections , I do Promise , Vow , and Swear , with as much sincerity as ever a Scotch-man took the Covenant , that I will always be as constant to you , as a She-Hypocrite is to her Prayers ; and cling as close to your dear sides , as a Virginia - Creeper to the Walls of an old Fabrick . I hope , most Angelical Comfortress , these merry Motives will induce you to Compassion as well as Laughter ; and tho' they are delivered as if in Jest , pray take 'em in Earnest , and believe for this once , a Man may Love you without expressing it in the old Stile of Hanging and Drowning . Therefore if this Method won't take with you , let me know it in an answer , and my next Address shall be Collected out of the last Dying Speeches in the Book of Martyrs . But till I find you affect Weeping rather than Laughing , and are sooner to be Frighted into Pity , than Jested into Gratitude , I shall still proceed to gain your good Opinion , as Bartholemew-Fair Players do to please their Audience , more by Farce and Jocularity , than Tragedy and Fine Speeches . So hoping as much for a kind Answer , and a Performance of your Word , as ever Seamen did for a Fair Wind , or a Hackny Coach-man for Foul-Weather ; I Remain , but not Rest , Your most Importunate Phylocrates , T. D. Having thus concluded this first Draught of Affection , I call'd for one of Loves Messengers , a Porter , and dispatch'd him to my Lady , expecting no Answer by the Bearer ; believing she would take more time to Deliberate on the matter : My new method of Courtship , being enough to surprize any Woman at first Sight , who had not been accustom'd to so Comical a Dialect ; the Nimble Footed Emissary , having sucessfully discharg'd his Business , made a speedy return with a satisfactory Answer , by Word of Mouth ; which was , That I should hear further from her in the Afternoon ; till which time , I was as uneasie as an Offender at the Bar , during the Absence of the Jury to Consult their Verdict , Labouring under as many various and Opposite Suggestions , and Delusions as a true Cocker at a Cock Match , fancying one Minute would go for me , another Minute against me ; sometimes that she 'd be pleas'd with my Letter ; sometimes that she 'd be Angry ; and under this sublunary Frenzy I remain'd till I was better satisfi'd by her Answer : Having no more Stomach to my Dinner , than a Woman has to her Breakfast that Morning she 's to be Marry'd . At last , after being thro'ly tir'd with a tedious Expectancy , as all People are , who stand Gaping for a Blessing of which they are doubtful , in comes a Letter to my Lodging by the Peny-Post ; where I sat waiting with as much Impatience , as an Old Fool in a Coffee-house , tarrying for a News Letter , upon the surrender of a Town ; or the French Kings Dying of his Fistula in Ano. When I had got the little Billet in my Hand , I Trembled like a Kentish Yeoman , Troubl'd with a Tertian Ague ; at last took Courage , like a Young Lover , about to attack his Mistresses Virginity . And after I had Kist it three or four times , in respect to the fair Hand that had compil'd the Manuscript ; I open'd the Seal , and let my self boldly into the Secret , which I expected in a great Measure , would prove a Vera Copia of my Mistresses Inclinations : A Recital of which , I shall proceed to give you , as follows . Sir , SInce you seem to compare me to a Rattle-Snake , I wonder you should express such a Willingness to receive me into your Bosome ; and indeed , could I think you like a Squirrel , I should be very fearfull to give you any admittance into my Affections , since I have often heard , a Squirrel is a Creature who covers his Back with his Tail. Or am I a Woman that can Gape so wide , as to swallow any such Windfalls ? In the succeeding Sentence , you say something of a Cuckold , if you think your Stars have decreed you to be the Monster you talk on , I desire you would trouble your self no further ; for I should hate a Husband with Horns , were they even of my own Grafting ; and therefore I desire you would apply your self to some-body more proper for your purpose . The old Maid that has Marry'd an Eunuch , I am heartily sorry for her ; as for my part , I hope you can see by my Looks I am none of the one , and if you find your self the other , I desire you would rest your self contented , and think no more of a Wife , than a Blind-man ought to do of Spectacles : For why should a Man have the Vanity to covet that which its impossible he should use when he has got it in possession ? Therefore I advise you as a Friend , if you are in any such condition , to turn your Back upon Matrimony , and think no more of a Wife , then a Lawyer Cares to do of the next World ; or a Cittizen , of Horn-Fair . I am sorry my Eyes have put you into the Condition of a Taylors-Goose , if you had not Cackled I should never have known it ; and since you could not keep your self Two Days under your Distemper without divulging it , I am fearful if I should Administer to you the Remedy I believe you want , you could never conceal the Cure. You acknowledge you have nothing to recommend you to my Affections ; and I must honestly confess , for I hate Flattery , He that has nothing to say for himself , or can nothing do to oblige his Mistress to Love him , is a Man likely to procure but a small share in my Affections ; for I can never Esteem a Man much , that is furnish'd with so little . In the next place , you insist upon a Title which you plead to my affections , which I cannot reconcile to your foregoing acknowledgment ; For how can a Man have a Title to any Womans Esteem , when he has nothing to Recommend him ? You promise me , like a good Hearty Lover , if I admit you into my Favour , you 'll be as Constant to me , as a Hypocrite to her Prayers . In answer to which High-flown Compliment , I think my self Oblig'd to do you just as much good , as Prayers do such a Hyppocrite . You tell me also , you 'll stick as close to me as a Virginia - Creeper to an Old Fabrick ; since you are so very Complesant to make an Old Wall of me , t is but just Reason you should find my Heart as Obdurate , as a Brickbat . You desire me , what you have spoke in Jest , that I would take in Earnest : I like not such a method of Construction ; for if I should Encourage you in good Earnest , by the same Rule , I suppose you would make a Jest on 't . As for the Old Stile of Hanging and Drowning , I think they are both too shameful Deaths for a Lover to make mention of ; and the poor Spirited Wretch who had no more Wit than to do either for a Mistress , I should think had never Courage enough to win one ; for nothing but Cowardice is the Cause of Despair ; and a Contemptible Death is but the just reward of Cowardise : So as for your Book of Martyrs you may keep it for a better use , for the most Religious are now a days grown more wise than to follow their Examples ; and as for Lovers in this Age , I would not have 'em pretend to 't . I like your Drolling Method of Courtship much better , and should much rather play the part of a Comick Stage-Lover in Iest , than prove your self a Tragick Fool in good Earnest , of which I am very sensible there 's no great danger . According to my Promise , I will meet you at the place appointed , where I expect , according to yours , I shall meet with nothing but Civility , and you will Oblige , Your Servant , M. L. Whether I had reason to like or dislike this pert Answer to my Letter , I 'll leave the Reader to judge ; I conn'd it over and over , as often as a young Priest does a Sermon , he designs to Preach without Book ; and was mightily pleas'd to find my Mistress so witty ; I hugg'd and Kiss'd it with as much pleasure as a Monkey would a Kitten , or an Old Woman her Grand-child ; and was so wonderful fond of this new Favour , that I could have swallow'd it , as people do Charms , for an Ague , had it not been a dishonour to so sweet an Epistle , to have been converted into a S — ce . I open'd it , and shut it , as often in a Day , as a Beau does his Snush-Box ; and could no more think of Eating and Drinking till I see her again , than a Crying-out-Woman can of Copulation in the heighth of her Labour . In this kind of Intoxicated Condition , drunk between Love and Joy , I remain'd till the Monday Morning in Easter Week , when near the time of meeting , I posted to the place appointed , with as good a Will as ever a Coward run from danger , or a Fool into it : where I had not spent above as much time as a lusty Fellow requires to beget a Charge to the Parish , but in comes my Lady , with such an Awful Presence , that the sight of her , as powerful as the Wind of a Cannon Bullet , had like to have knock'd me backwards , and struck me as dumb , that I was no more able to deliver the fine Speech I intended for her , without abundance of Hesitation , than Iockimo in Don Iohn was able without stammering to invite the Ghosts to Dinner with his Master ; till after I had a little recover'd my self , like a Soldier after the first Onset , and then I began to be as Bold , as a Lover could well be with so much Beauty , upon so slender Acquaintance . 'T will be a little too tedious to tell you in particular what past between us , Kisses and kind Words I apply'd with Eagerness , which on her part were received with a becoming Coyness . After we had prattled away , and spent a little time in these sort of Love-Toys , we determin'd to take Coach , being Holyday time , and go up to Highgate ; proposing in our Journey to be greatly diverted with the humours of the Mob , as we pass'd along the Road , it being a Season of the Year , when Petty-Tradesmen and their , Wives , Prentices and Servant Wenches , Attorneys Clerks and School-Boys , Journey-men Shooemakers , and Taylor 's with their Mates , Soldiers with their Trulls , in short , Tag , Rag , and Bobtail , all have recourse into the Fields , to recover the poor out-lying Alehouse-keepers from the hardships brought upon 'em by the past Winter . As soon as we had fitted our selves with that Love , as well as Lazy Convenience , a Coach ; I handed in my Mistress , and taking the advantage of her Stride , blest my Eyes with a Glance of her Green Silk Stockins , and pretty Pettitoes , which my Chops water much more than the Cutting of a Lemon ; and made my Heart go pit-a-pat , like a young Girle 's that had stumbled in an Alley upon a pair of Active Lovers recreating themselves by Moonshine . Having thus put our selves in order to proceed our little Journey , for varieties sake , I 'll give you the remainder in Verse , in hopes it may better please the Reader . Our Charioteer , now mounting in his Box , Hey-up , he cry'd , his Jades stood still as Stocks , He Slash'd , and Cut , and Curs'd 'em , with a Pox. With true Horse Language , and the use of Thong , He , forc'd at last , his Hungry Tits along , Who when once set on going , Ran ding dong . Thus with his pair of Hide-bound Skeletons , He drove us ratling over London Stones , Almost to th' Dislocation of our Bones . In little time , to Islington we came ; For Cakes and Ale , a Town of Ancient Fame ; Which to this day 's frequented for the same . Where Whiffs so Sav'ry did our Nostrills Fan , From Cakes , Eel-Pies , and Tarts in Patti-Pan , Like Twelf-tide Air , in Wood-street newly drawn . At ev'ry Door , as we the Town pass'd thro' , A basket of hot Buns was set in View ; No doubt but some within were Butter'd too . Those set without were to make Children Cry , Or Tempt the well-sown Longing Mothers Eye , Who can't without a Pot and Cake go by . Peasants in Streams did out of London Ebb , And tho' each Scoundrel had his homely Drab , The Cock took care to Nurse the bawling Squab . The Wife she Trotted after on the Road , Scolding at something had Dissention sow'd , For Marry'd Clowns can ne'er agree abroad . Some in old Oliverian Coats were clad , With narrow Skirts , and little Buttons made ; And at their Backs their good Wive's Pattens had , Each Crop-Ear'd Prentice had his , walking Mate , To Kiss , and Toy with , o'er an Ale-house Treat ; And make the Pleasures of his Walk more Sweet . With these the Roades were fill'd on ev'ry side , Ungainly Cloth'd in all their Easter Pride ; The Men Walk'd fast , the Wenches straddled Wide . Some Clambring over Hedges , some o'er Stiles , Some Girles their A — s shew , the Men mean whiles , Came after peeping to provoke their Smiles . All hurry'd on , I wonder'd at their haste , Or what entic'd 'em to go on so fast , The Reason I resolv'd to know at last . We Kiss'd and Toy'd , and Merrily Jogg'd on , My Mistress kinder and more free was grown , To me all Modest Favours now were shown . Like Quality we Sported at the Rout , And when we pleas'd , Contemptibly look'd out Upon the Sweating Slaves that walk'd on Foot. Sometime drew up our Sashes made of Tin , To hide from Vulgars Eyes Loves Toys within ; And when we'd done , we dropt 'em down agin . Our minutes might have been much more improv'd , Had she , like me , without Discretion Lov'd ; Her Vertues were too powerful to be mov'd . By now to th' Bottom of the Hill we came , The Horses Cough'd and Groan'd to see the same ; And at its height grew very sick and lame . The Coachman light to give his Carrion ease , They pull'd till farted to their Driver please ; And now and then dropt down upon their knees For all they kneel'd , his whip he would not spare , But Cut 'em up , and Curs'd the Lazy pair ; And in his Thoughts pray'd backwards for his Fare . No Loaded Waggon in a soft deep Snow , And drawn by Oxen , could have mov'd more slow , Enough t o've tir'd the Patience of a Beau. Before we'd Conquer'd half our Rising way , He fed his Starvlings , with a whisp of Hay . Drawn from a Bag beneath his Coach-Box lay . At last the Jades with heavy striving drew Their Luggage to the top with much adoe , Where we the Ancient Village had in view . I gave my Mistress Welcome to the Town . Manners , with Love , in one sweet Kiss was shown . Lest she should take her Courtier for a Clown . No Countrey Fair , where Crowds of Swains resort , To meet their Lasses , and Contend in sport , Could be more full , or did their Mirth fall short . To ease their tired Limbs , sat here and there , Upon a Verdant Plat , a Loving pair , Kissing and Toying in the open Air. Others were Crowded into Ale-house yards , Some Slaving were at Nine-pins , some at Cards , Whilst Taylor 's occupy'd the Shuffle-Boards . Some into little hoop-stick Arbours crept , The Parents Tipled whilst their Children slept , And Maudling Wenches with their Sweet-hearts wept . I ask'd the meaning of these num'rous Trains , And found the Giddy Crowd took all this Pains , To see the Finchly Murd'rer hang in Chains . To the high Tavern , where the Genrry meet , We went , which could not yield one Slice of Meat ; Nothing we found but Cake and Cheese to Eat . This Rabbles Fare , with us would not go down , I offer'd for some Mutton-Stakes a Crown , But could not get one Chop throughout the Town . Is this , said I , a Village of such Fame , For City Cuckold to refresh his Dame , Pox take your famish'd Town ; so back we came . FINIS .