A55735	----	The paradice of pleasure, or, An encomium upon Darby-ale in answer to a scurrilous lampoon call'd Scott's paradice, or, A satyr against Darby-ale. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1700 Approx. 17 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 8 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A55735 Wing P329 ESTC R31750 12252299 ocm 12252299 57166 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A55735) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 57166) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1510:6) The paradice of pleasure, or, An encomium upon Darby-ale in answer to a scurrilous lampoon call'd Scott's paradice, or, A satyr against Darby-ale. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. [4], 11 p. Printed for A. Baldwin ..., London : 1700. Attributed to Ward by NUC pre-1956 imprints. In verse. Imperfect: pages stained and torn, with print showthrough and loss of print. Reproduction of original in the Harvard University Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). The general aim of EEBO-TCP is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic English-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in EEBO. EEBO-TCP aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the Text Encoding Initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). The EEBO-TCP project was divided into two phases. The 25,363 texts created during Phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 January 2015. Anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. Users should be aware of the process of creating the TCP texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. Text selection was based on the New Cambridge Bibliography of English Literature (NCBEL). If an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in NCBEL, then their works are eligible for inclusion. Selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. In general, first editions of a works in English were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably Latin and Welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. Image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. Quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in Oxford and Michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet QA standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. After proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. Any remaining illegibles were encoded as <gap>s. Understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of TCP data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. Users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a TCP editor. The texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the TEI in Libraries guidelines. Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-04 Mona Logarbo Sampled and proofread 2003-04 Mona Logarbo Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE PARADICE OF PLEASURE : OR , AN ENCOMIUM UPON DARBY-ALE . In ANSWER to a Scurrilous Lampoon , call'd , Sott's Paradice ; Or , A Satyr against Darby-Ale . — Cum vini vis penitravit , Consequitur gravitas Membrorum , Praepediuntur Crura vacillanti , Tardescit Lingua , madet Mens , Nant Oculi ; Clamor , singultus , Iurgia Gliscunt . Lucretius . LONDON , Printed for A. Baldwin , at the Oxford-Arms , in Warwick-Lane . 1700. To all the Lovers of DARBY-ALE . GENTLEMEN , I Have often wonder'd , That we , who are profess'd Lovers of this Liquor , should not have among us one Generous Son of Apollo that dare draw his Pen in the defence of our Cause ; I am sure the universal Contagion of Dulness has not so overspread us , but we have Poetick Forces enough to answer any of our Opposers ; yet were it otherwise , that a Barrenness of Fancy had possess'd us , the Subject it self would ( like the Ovidian Deo Agitante ) point us out the Road to Parnassus . Of Darby-Ale I own I 'm a passionate Admirer , and no fond Amorist was ever more captivated with the Charms of his Mistress , than I with the Charms of its Brightness : Where there is Love , there is Admiration ; and where Admiration , Respect : and from hence proceeds my Regret to have Odiums cast upon the Object of my Wishes : when the sawcy I Lampoon , called , Sot's Paradice , at every Bookseller's star'd me in the face ; I 've been possess'd with Fury almost to Distraction ; a long time I have fed my self with hopes of Revenge , that some new Champion would enter the Lists and foil the Pigmie Satyrist : Hitherto I have found my Expectation balk'd ; but rather than our Divertive Clubbs , and Inspiring Liquor should suffer the stains and aspersions they now lie under , I chose to undertake the Combat my self , in hopes to put a stop to the growing Tyranny of Re-printing Sot's Paradice . This is the sole Reason that I have attempted An Encomium ; and if my Poem has diminish'd the intrinsick Worth and Delight that our Liquor deserves , impute it rather to my unskilfulness in Fancy and Numbers , than the weakness of the Cause . Gallant Souls are prov'd by their actions , and those actions are more conspicuous and noble which proceed purely from Loyalty and Resolution : I have serv'd several Campaigns under Darby-Ale , with success , and it would be very ungenerous ( in this time of danger ) to desert my Standard ; had it no secret Spell to engage me in its Service , I should not ( like Mr. W — d ) basely turn Traytor and Runagado from that which had done me such eminent Service ; for , let him pursue its Ruin with the utmost rack of Thought and Invention , and pretend what aversion he pleases , he ow's his Trip to Jamaica , and some other of his best Compositions , to its Assistance . Now , Gentlemen , since we have Enemies ( and those too so potent ) I hope you will not leave me to stand the shock of their Rage . I shall know your intentions by your favourable acceptance of this Piece ; but , be it how it will ( as Epaminondas said to his Buckler , so say I to my Liquor ) Me Defendas , & Ego te Defendam , I have no more to add , but hope when this comes to your Hands , you will drink the Health of Your Humble Servant , Philo-Darby . AN ENCOMIUM UPON DARBY-ALE . LET other Bards the help of Phaebus ask , When they assume some high Poetick task ; I crave no Aid , nor will invoke his Fire , 'T is Darby-Ale alone shall me Inspire ; My Pen engag'd on its transporting Theme , I beg no other Hellyconian Stream ; A Dose of this transcends that Fictious Name . Nought else my daring Muses Flight shall raise , Then quaff her Liquor whilst I sing its praise ; And if she sicken in this noble Race , Reviving Cups shall cheer her drooping Pace . Methinks I feel her struggling in my Breast , Like Delphick Priests , with Oracles oppress'd , To give her vent's to calm her into Rest. Dictate great Soul of Mirth , thou Darby-Ale , For thou can'st best thy hidden Charms Reveal ; When sluggish Years have drain'd our Strength away , Thou giv'st new Fires to old Promethean Clay : Thy sacred Juice does break old Age's Chains , And make new Blood , come Dancing through the Veins ; Eighty Reverse into his Twenty's Prime , And dost unbarr the Iron Gates of Time : Had that sage Sorceress known thee heretofore , When drooping AEson's Life she did restore , With this Elixir , he had dy'd no more . In vain let Chymists their dark Arts Exalt , They 're all Chimaera's to the Darby-Malt ; For that alone which from thy Grain Distils , We find to be the Lethe of our Ills. Let Alchymists some curs'd Mishap bemoan ; And waste their Substance for a Fictious Stone , When its possession lies in thee alone : In this rich Juice , colour and taste unite , To charm the Sence , and please the Appetite ; The Glasses Grown'd , 't is Rapture to behold The lively Attome , Dance in Liquid Gold. In dusky AEgypt , where no Worship Reigns , but what the Error of their Fancy frames ; Did they to this bright Liquor bend their Knee , There were pretence for their Idolatry : Had Epicurus , when he Bliss defin'd , But tasted thee , thou 'dst Extafied his Mind , To thee alone he 'd Happiness confin'd . When Clouds of Grief hang hov'ring round the Soul , Those Foggs are scatter'd by a Lucid Bowl ; Harrast with Care , with Troubles when oppres'd , It quells the raging Passions of our Breast ; The Wealthy Merchant's Loss it does Restore , His Ills are lull'd , and he Repines no more : Wrecks nor Misfortunes can his Rest destroy , He drowns his Losses in a Flood of Joy. The Brawny Priest , who Scripture has perplex'd , For Darby-Ale , forsakes his Pray'rs and Text ; Warm'd with some healing Quarte , he talks more Sense Than from his Pulpit e'er he did dispence . Each sparkling Glass does sparkling Wit excite , And makes the Poet , in a Rapture write : If the transporting thoughts , that charm the Mind , Are only Pellets of the Blood Refin'd , To this rich Juice , we should our homage pay , That does the Spirits to the Brain convey . Let other Coxcombs to their Bags be Slaves , And , as they purchase Wealth , be prick'd for Knaves , Grant me of this transparent Liquor store , I 'll thank the Gods , and ask 'em for no more : On some tall Butt ( with more triumphant Pride ) With Glasses Crown'd , I 'de rather sit astride , Than the vast Ocean's Admiral to Ride ; Cou'd I like Midas in my wish avail , I 'de Metamorphize all to Darby-Ale ; The Silver Thames shou'd change its Christal hue , And Ships shou'd in that noblest Liquor Plow ; Or cou'd I higher but the grant obtain , The Fleecy Clouds shou'd sparkling Darby Rain . Blest be the Soul who this great Art first sound , In high Elogius may his Name be Crown'd , Inscrib'd on Parian Marble , let it shine , Myriads of Years , in spice of mould'ring Time. When Wine bore sway , the Nation 's greatest Curse , This Art appear'd , and stem'd its Conquering Course ; For when to this great Project he gave Birth , He taught at once , Frugality and Mirth ; When costly Wines ( it cannot be deny'd ) Had almost Bankrupt Cornhill and Cheapside . Bandy and Annice , with that fatal train , Destroy the Land , and ought no longer Reign ; They Fire the Brain , and all the Vitals Burn , And , into Embers , do the Entrails turn ; Perpetual Burnings prey upon the Heart , And we possess hot AEtna's in each part ; For Sots alone such burning Cups are fit , Not for the gen'rous Souls of Mirth and Wit , But Stroling Carmen , or the plodding Fool , That take delight in being Drunk and Dull . Iove as he lately in the Divan Sate , Musing how Mortals posted to their Fate , Order'd some Gods the Matter to Debate : From the Illustrious House ; they strait withdrew , Apollo , Regnant of the Sacred Crew : The Matter weigh'd , that Peer of Heaven's High Court , From the Committee , Thus made his Report ; Wonder not , Ruler of the spang'led Sky , That Souls throng Styx , and to Olympus Fly , When Wine , the Brittish Nation 's chiefest good , Is turn'd distemper'd , and corrupts the Blood ; Ty'd to a Chain of Plagues , poor Mortals groan Under Consumptions , Tysicks , and the Stone ; Tyr'd with Diseases , they their Lives resign , And owe their Deaths to noxious Fumes of Wine : Others by Dropsies to a Bulk are blown , Resembling those , who wou'd have Storm'd thy Throne : This is the Grand Result of our Debate , They 'll faster dye , if Wine not Abdicate ; Let Bacchus tear the Grapes from off his Brow ; and mission him to 's Bacchanals below ; With no full Bowls of Wine let him appear , But Darby-Ale , Transparent , Lucid , Clear ; Tell 'em the Gods to Pity are inclin'd , And sent this Cordial , to Revive Mankind , Who other Liquor Drinks , breaks the Decree , Pass'd by this House , and Ratify'd by Thee ; As quick Infection , order they decline That Door they see encircl'd with a Vine ; If this , by Bacchus , with all speed be done , Mortals a longer Race of Years shall Run : Thus Ceas'd great Phaebus , and all prais'd the God , And mighty Iove gave his assenting Nod. From this Decree great London is grown wise , Claret's condemn'd , and Darby-Ale we prize ; Each separate Street in different Signs do show , That happy Nectar is contain'd below : But — As Planets borrow from the Orb of Light , So other Darby-Houses may shine Bright , By the Reflexion of Thy Sun , Great White : Such plenteous Stores do guild thy Sun with Beams , Thine is the Fountain , their 's the lesser Streams . 'T is Extasie to see thy Cellar grac'd With well pil'd Butts , in noble order plac'd ; Such high carv'd Hogsheads all around we see , That sure on Earth thou' rt Bacchus Deputy ; Thy Trade's no wonder , where shou'd Crowds resort , But where the God of Drinking keeps his Court ? As far as English Banners are display'd , Thy Name 's Ador'd , and potent Ale convey'd ; Not to our Isle alone , thy Fame is known , But where the Winds do Course , or Ships are Blown ; The rough unpollish'd Indian-Planters own More Influence from Thy Sun , than from their own ; Thy Butts Unlading , they Rejoyce and Smile , Blessing the bounteous product of our Isle ; Thy Liquid Cargo does contain such Joys , That they their Gold and Country's growth despise , And for it Barter costly Gems as Toys . As long as this Rich Juice distill'd shall be , Thy Name 's consign'd to all Posterity . The next to thee , Watt's Renown soars high , Whose Stock Inferiour Houses does supply ; Each Rank , each Order , daily grace his House , And at throng'd Tables roundly do Carouse ; From his great Room vast flakes of Smoak arise , And Pipes , like Stars , do shine in gloomy Skies ; In chatting Clubs your Polititians sit , And as they Drink ; they more refine their Wit : The Harrast Warriour there forgets his Toyls , In plund'ring Pints he finds more glorious Spoils . Uxorious Cit , whose greatest Plague's a Wife , Forgets his ills , and drowns Domestick Strife : To thee he comes to meliorate his Pains , His Cares are hush'd , and lively Pleasure Reigns . To Iackson's Mansion there 's some Honour due , Whose Complaisance attracts a generous Crew ; Each rowling Night his Rooms to Wit give Birth , His House the Body Politick of Mirth . Antaeus seated at one Board we see , Flush'd with the Juice ( from all Example free ) And setting up for Popularity ; When num'rous Cups have wrought upon his Brain , His Sence he by his Courage does maintain : Antaeus like , he 'd Hercules Assail , Nor can the Liquor o'er his Strength prevail , But from each blow that Hercules does make , Touching the Cup , he does fresh vigour take . When Pints Replete , do Malpas Spirits raise , He tunes his Viol to harmonious Lays ; His chanting sounds do on my Sences rowl , Dissolve my Frame , and wanton in my Soul : Had Orpheus known to strike his Lire so well , He 'd brought his Wife a second time from Hell. When healing Draughts Lycurgus Blood do warm , His Thoughts surprize us , and his Words do charm ; In pointed Satyr , wisely he displays The Senceless Coxcomb , and the Fool Pourtrays ; And there le ts fall as much Extemp're Wit As in some Plays of two Years growth is Writ . The Artful Albus hither does repair , Whose Carriage is Genteely Debonair ; To fleeting Time his Works shall wing his Fame , When Dykes shall Dye , and Titian want a Name . No Satyr center'd in Cratena's Face , His Eyes dart Love , and Smiles his Brows do grace ; With Pint and Pipe sagiciously he 'll sit Remarking those that do engender Wit ; To ev'ry Query makes his pat Replys , And when the Clock strikes Ten , he pays , and flys . Honesto here his transient hours beguiles With serious Glasses , recreates his Toils , He Drinks and Talks , and as he Smoaks , he Smiles . Decrepid Gulpo , of the Hobbian Race , Who owns no God , and Scripture does deface ; His Worship lies lock'd up in Error 's Vail , And if he Bows to ought , — 't is Darby-Ale . Melinthus ( inoffensive in his way ) Sits list'ning , pleas'd with what the Wits do say ; Silent and unconcern'd he takes their hints , And adds the Pleasure to succeeding Pints . With rueful Phiz , Cornutus takes his place , His Brows are branch'd , and Care o'erwelms his Face , Till Iackson's Ale his sinking Spirit buoys , More than the Common's Court , or Proctor's noise ; With many more , too tedious to rehearse , Beneath a Rhime or dignity of Verse . To Fullwood's-Rents my Muse might take her flight ; To praise those blissful Cellars of Delight ; But Grays-Inn Sparks can best defend the Cause , And prove this Ale the Key to all the Laws . Curse on the Scribler who with dearth of Sence , Dares to prophane its Soveraign Excellence ; May he capacious Hogsheads round him spy , Like Tantalus , in Plenty still be Dry ; And from his Thirst such Torture may he feel , Worse Racks than e'er Ixion from his Wheel , Let strange Chimera's dance before his Sight , And shock his trembling Sences all the Night ; Obsequious Catchpoles wait him as he Rise , And be upon his haunts the London Spies ; Till he be left both Penyless and Poor , To drag a hated Life from Door and Door : And and may his Doggrel Muse ne'er meet Success , But damn'd to keep Employ'd some Grubstreet Press . FINIS . Notes, typically marginal, from the original text Notes for div A55735-e500 The Sign of the Sun in Golden-Lane . In St. James's - Market . In Hidestreet , Bloomsbury . 
A26532	----	Aesop at Tunbridge, or, A few select fables in verse by no person of quality. No person of quality. 1698 Approx. 24 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 20 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A26532 Wing A739 ESTC R15896 11729537 ocm 11729537 48381 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A26532) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 48381) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 482:2) Aesop at Tunbridge, or, A few select fables in verse by no person of quality. No person of quality. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. [8], 29 p. Printed and are to be sold by E. Whitlock ..., London : 1698. Attributed to Edward Ward. cf. Harvard University Libraries. There appear to be at least two versions of this work bearing the same imprint. This version differs in pagination and in the "To the reader." Reproduction of original in Bristol Public Library, Bristol, England. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). The general aim of EEBO-TCP is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic English-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in EEBO. EEBO-TCP aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the Text Encoding Initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). The EEBO-TCP project was divided into two phases. The 25,363 texts created during Phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 January 2015. Anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. Users should be aware of the process of creating the TCP texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. Text selection was based on the New Cambridge Bibliography of English Literature (NCBEL). If an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in NCBEL, then their works are eligible for inclusion. Selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. In general, first editions of a works in English were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably Latin and Welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. Image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. Quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in Oxford and Michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet QA standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. After proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. Any remaining illegibles were encoded as <gap>s. Understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of TCP data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. Users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a TCP editor. The texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the TEI in Libraries guidelines. Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-05 Emma (Leeson) Huber Sampled and proofread 2003-05 Emma (Leeson) Huber Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion AESOP AT TUNBRIDGE . OR , A few select FABLES IN VERSE . BY No Person of Quality . LONDON : Printed , and are to be Sold by E. Whitlock , near Stationers-hall . 1698. TO THE READER . RIding , of late , to take a little Air , and crossing by some chance the Tunbridg Road , it was my fortune to find a parcel of Papers , which were doubtless dropt by some unwary Passenger , who had made more Haste than good Speed ; and taking them up , I found they were the following Fables : which , I imagine , some Young Gentleman of Wit and Leisure , had diverted himself in composing , whilst he was obliged to drink the Waters . The Entertainment they gave me and my Friends , made me think of making them Publick ; and considering the Nature of them , and that they were very fairly written , it is not at all unlikely that the Author had designed them for the Press himself . There are but two little Reasons to the contrary , which may be also soon , answered ; First , That they are too small to make a Book : the Second , That some of the Fables are too bold , and might expose the Author to some Danger or Displeasure . As to the first Objection , Whoever would be sure of Pleasing must not be tedious ; it happens but to a few great Books to be read through ; and many good Authors have defeated their own purpose of instructing the World , by frightning the Reader with three or four hundred Pages : but besides , the Nature of such a Work as this , requires that the Reader be never cloy'd , but always kept in good Humour and good Appetite , which a long Work could hardly do ; and ten or a dozen Morals are enow to amuse the Mind , and keep it exercised a good while . But , after all , it may be there were many Fables more intended to follow these ; and then I have nothing to say but that these were all I found , and thought they were too many to be lost to the Publick . To the other Objection , the Author , having nothing to fear , has nothing to answer ; for they are publish'd , if not without his Will , yet without his Knowledge . But should it be granted that one or two Fables are a little too bold and angry , yet since there is some Foundation for such sort of Mutterings and Complaints , from whence can our Rulers learn these Truths more inoffensively , than from such little Stories ? they will not , perhaps , attend so easily to wise and good Men as they will to Foxes and Asses ; and wise and good Men will not , it may be , dare to tell those Truths these Beasts deliver , which yet our Governours should know . I will not altogether excuse the Exaggeration of Matters in the twelfth Fable ; for tho' our Bargain be dear enough ; yet I can't tell what we should have done without it ; and Things , I hope , will mend upon our hands , in good time . AESOP AT TUNBRIDGE . FAB . I. Fair Warning . IN Aesop's new-made World of Wit , Where Beasts could talk , and read , and write , And say and do as he saw fit . A certain Fellow thought himself abus'd , And represented by an Ass ; And Aesop to the Judge accus'd That he defamed was . Friend , quoth the Judge , how do you know Whether you are defam'd or no ? How can you prove that he must mean You , rather than another Man ? Sir , quoth the Man , it needs must be , All Circumstances so agree , And all the Neighbours say 't is Me. That 's somewhat , quoth the Judge , indeed , But let this Matter pass ; Since 't was not Aesop , 't is agreed , But Application made the Ass. FAB . II. The Cock and Pearl . A Dunghil Cock was raking in the Ground , And flirted up a Pearl ; I would , quoth he , thou hadst been found By some great Lord or Earl. My self a single Barly-corn Would , surely , rather find : We Creatures that are dull , Earth-born , Things only useful mind . Whilst they who are divinely Wise , And do from Iove proceed , Thy lovely orient Lustre prize , And for thy Beauty trade . FAB . III. Of the Horse and Ass. A Horse and Ass were journying on their way ; The Horse was only harness'd , light , and gay ; The Ass was heavy loaden , and lagg'd behind , And thus , at length , bespake his Friend . Companion , take some pity on my State , And ease me but of half my Weight . Half will to you no burthen be , And yet a mighty help to me . The Horse laugh'd loud , and shook his Head , And wantonly curvetting said ; Seignior , we Horses never choose The Burthens that we can refuse ; And should such Jest upon me pass , Methinks I should be but an Ass. The Ass quite spent , and vext to be deny'd , Sunk down beneath his Weight , and dy'd . The Master coming up , took off the Sack , And threw it on the Horse's Back : And having flaid his Ass , he threw The filthy Hide upon him too . At which the Horse , thus sadly humbled , cry'd . ( Letting some Tears for Grief and Anger fall ) Whether `twere Cruelty , or Pride , That I so fair Request deny'd , I am justly serv'd , and made to carry all . The Asses of the South and East Desire the Horses of the North and West , That , as to Parliament they trot , This Fable may not be forgot . FAB . IV. Of the Iudgment of the Ape . A Wolf complain'd that he had lost a Lamb , And strait impleads a Fox of no good Fame , ( Who had a Lamb ) that he had stoln the same , An Ape was to decide the Cause , Having some Knowledg in the Laws . No Councel was by either feed , Each would his Cause , in person , plead ; And so they did , with mighty heat ; The Judg himself did almost sweat , To hear the Force of their Debate . How they accuse , and how defend , How they reply'd , joyn'd and rejoyn'd . At length in pity to the Court , The Judg was fain to cut them short ; And thus determin'd — Sirs , in troth , The Lamb belongs to neither of you both . You , Mr. Wolf , have , doubtless , lost no Lamb ; And , Renard , you as surely stole that same ; But not from him . If Justice might prevail , You should be both condemn'd to Fine and Jail . So two great Lords for an Estate may fight , Which does to neither appertain , by Right . FAB . V. Of the Horse and Man. A Fierce wild Boar , of monstrous size and force , Did once , in early days , affront a Horse ; Who meditating Vengeance , found his Will To hurt , much greater than his Power and Skill ; And therefore , chaf'd and resolute , he ran To the next House , and thus apply'd to Man. I come , Superiour Power , whom Iove hath made His Substitute on Earth , to seek thy Aid , Against a sordid Brute , who injures me , And likewise speaks contemptibly of Thee . Iove , whom thou nam'st ( said Man ) was to thee kind , And sent thee where thou shalt Assistance find . But this injurious Boar will never meet Our Arms upon the Plain , but trusts his Feet ▪ But shall his Feet then his Protection be , Since Swiftness is the Gift of Iove to thee ? ( Mark it , my Friend , this Insolence Deprives us of our common Sense . ) This doubtless he forgot ; so will not we . You , for Convenience , will a while submit To be directed with a Bridle and Bitt ; And take me on your Back , till we shall see This your outragious Enemy . Up , said the Horse then , let us never rest , Till we have found this cursed Beast . Away then to the Woods they flew , The Horse his Haunts and Coverts knew , And there his Foe , the dextrous Warriour slew . This done , they jocund homewards make ▪ And thus the Horse the Man bespake . Now , Sir , accept my Thanks for what is past , I to my wonted Fields , and Friends must hast . Hold , quoth the Man , we part not quite so soon ; Your Business is , but Mine is not yet done . Some Service there remains , due to the Aid I lent you , which must be repaid . This said , he light , and ty'd him to a Rack ; Where the poor Creature , thus with Sorrow spake . Slight was the Injury of the Boar , And might , perhaps , have been no more : But now I 'm utterly undone , My Ease and Liberty are gone . Sweet is Revenge , just in the Taste , But surely Bitterness at last . Let other Creatures warning take , What Bargains they in Passion make . Let Nations also take good care , That they with many Hardships bear , Rather than seek Redress abroad ; Which is but adding to their Load . FAB . VI. The Bargain . TWO Welchmen Partners in a Cow , Resolv'd to sell her dear ; And laid their Heads together , how To do 't at Ludlow Fair. It was a sultry Summers Day , When out they drove the Beast ; And having got about half way , They sat them down to rest . The Cow , a Creature of no Breeding , ( The place with Grass being stor'd ) Fed by ; and whilst she was a feeding , Let fall a mighty T — . Roger , quoth Hugh , I tell thee what , Two Words and I have done ; If thou wilt fairly eat up that , The Cow is all thy own . 'T is done , quoth Roger , 't is agreed , And to 't he went apace ; He seem'd so eager sett , 't is said , That he forgot his Grace . He labour'd with his wooden Spoon , And up he slopt the Stuff ; Till , by the time that half was done , He felt he had enough . He felt : but scorning to go back , Would look as if he wanted more ; And seem'd to make a fresh Attack , With as much Vigour as before . But stopping short a while , he cry'd , How fares it , Neighbour Hugh ? I hope , by this , you 're satisfied , Who 's Master of the Cow. Ay , ay , quoth Hugh ( the Devil choak thee , For nothing else can do 't , ) I 'm satisfi'd that thou hast broke me , Unless thou wilt give out . Give out ? quoth Roger , that were fine ; Why , what have I been doing ? But yet I tell thee , Friend of mine , I shall not seek thy Ruine . My Heart now turns against such Gains ; I know th' art piteous poor . Eat thou the half that still remains , And 't is as 't was before . God's Blessing on thy Heart , quoth Hugh , That Proffer none can gainsay ; With that , he readily fell to , And eat his share o' th' Tansie . Well now , quoth Hodge , w' are ev'n , no doubt , And neither side much Winner . So had we been , quoth Hugh , without This damn'd confounded Dinner . Let this , both to our Wars and Peace Be honestly apply'd ; France and th' Allies have done no less , Than what these Welch-men did . FAB . VII . The Frogs Concern . TWO fierce young Bulls within the Marshes strove For the Reward of Empire and of Love ; Which should the fairest Heifer gain , And which should govern all the Plain . This , when a Frog hard by perceiv'd , He sigh'd , and sob'd , and sorely griev'd , He hung his Head , and made great moan , As tho he had lost his Wife or Son. At which a neighbour Frog admir'd , And kindly of the Cause enquir'd ; Which when he knew , he said in haste , And Gossip , is this all at last ? If this and that great Loggerheaded Bull Will try the Thickness of each others Scull , E'en let them do , as fit they see : But what is that to You and Me ? If that , replied the other , were all indeed , We should about this Matter be agreed . I should not care a single Groat , To see 'em tear each others Throat ; But , Friend , the Creatures of such Might , Can never meet in Field to fight , But in the Fury of their full Carreer , Both you and I endanger'd are ; And all our kindred Tribes below , In hazard of their Lives must go . When Bulls rush on , or when retreat for Breath , They 'll tread a hundred of us little Folks to death . If Kings would fight themselves alone , Their People still secure , No mortal Man would part 'em sure , But let them e'en fight on . But when the Subjects Blood is spilt , And their Estates are drain'd , To justifie a Prince's Guilt , Or have his Vanity maintain'd ; When they must pay for all at last , That Lust , Ambition , or Revenge lay waste ; The poorest Man alive may fear , And pray against the Miseries of War. FAB . VIII . Of a Man and his Ass. A Wretched Churl was trav'lling with his Ass , Beneath two Panniers Load opprest ; And hearing Noise behind , cry'd to the Beast , Fly , my Friend Roger , fly apace ; Else I 'm undone , and all my Market's naught ; And thou thy self wilt by the Rogues be caught . Caught ? quoth the Beast , what if I be ? What will it signifie to me ? My Panniers are so full , they 'll hold no more ; I carry two and cannot carry four . 'Twixt Rogues and You , I can no difference make , They are all Rogues to me , who break my Back . Fly , fly from France , our Statesmen cry , And Slavery's cursed Yoke ; Whilst with our Antient Liberty , Our very Backs are broke . France is a Thief ; but France can do no more , Than keep the Panniers on we had before . FAB . IX . Of a Wolf. A Wolf retiring from Whitehal , Where he had Statesman been , Built for himself a Box so small , That few could be receiv'd within . The Country all admir'd at this , And could not at the Reason guess , Why one so Wealthy and so Great , Should cage himself at such a rate . Till at the last a Fox came by , A Courtier also , sleek and sly , And thus in earnest and in jest , His Reason gave among the rest , Perhaps my Lord Commissioner intends , Here to receive only his honest Friends . FAB . X. The Plaintiff and Defendant . TWO Travellers an Oyster found , Dropt from some Pannier down ; Each stoopt , and took it from the Ground , And claim'd it as his own . Since both can't have it all , said one , E'en let it parted be . No , says the other , all or none , But all belongs to me . One Serjeant Law , by chance came by , And he must end the Strife : Which thing he did immediatly , With his deciding Knife . He took the Fish , and cut it up . ( This Cause he opened well ) And fairly did the Oyster sup , And gave to each a Shell . And if hereafter Causes rise , Where People can't agree , I know , quoth he , you 'll be so wise To refer them still to me . My Name is Law , my Chambers are At some of the Inns of Court , Or Serjeant's Inn , or Westminster , Where all for Help resort . Sir , quo ' the Men , trust us for that , We shall not fail to tell , 'T was Law that did the Oyster eat , And left to Us the Shell . FAB . XI . Of the Pigeons . THE Hawks were once at mortal Jars , Which came at length to Civil Wars . The Pigeons they stood looking on , And , full of Pity , made great moan ; To see how bloodily they fought , And each the others Ruine sought . And never would these Creatures cease , Till they had mediated a Peace . The Hawks did easily consent , So Peace was made , and home they went , Where when they came and wanted Prey , And how to pass their time away ; They fairly made one general Swoop , And eat their Mediators up . Two lucky Pigeons were not there , And so escap'd the Massacre . Of which the One to th' Other said , How came our Kindred all so mad ? Parting of Hawks ! Hawks ever should Be gorg'd with one anothers Blood. The Wicked have a natural Rage , ( A thirst of Violence to asswage . ) Which if not on the Wicked spent , Will fall upon the Innocent . So the poor Hugonors of France , And Vaudois full as poor , Pray'd loudly , in their Innocence , That God would Peace restore . Peace was restor'd ; but Peace to them No Safety did restore ; Their Hawks employ'd their Power and Time Much worse than e'er before . And thou , O Church of England Dove , Doat not upon thy Peace ; That may , than War , more fatal prove , Both to thy Wealth and Ease . FAB . XII . The Farmer and the Hare . A Hare did once into a Garden get Belonging to a Farm ; Where she began to throw up Earth , and eat , And do some little Harme . The Farmer cours'd her round and round , But got her not away ; Puss took a liking to the Ground , And there resolv'd to stay . Well , quoth the Fellow , in a Fret , Since you are grown so bold , I shall some more Assistance get , And drive you from your Hold. And strait he sends to a young Squire , That he , by break of day Would with his Pack of Hounds repair , And sport himself that way . The Squire , as ask'd , attended came , With Folks , and Horse , and Hounds , And in pursuance of the Game , Rode over all the Grounds . They leapt the Ditches , broke the Hedges down , And made most fearful Wast ; They trampl'd all the Garden round , And kill'd poor Puss at last . At this the Farmer tore his Hair , And swore most bloodily , Zounds ! What confounded work is here ? And what a Fool am I ? Not fifty Hares , in fifty Days , Had so much Mischief done , As this good Squire ( whom I must praise And thank ) hath wrought in One. If our Deliverance from the Frights Of standing Army near , And silly superstitious Rites , Worth Forty Millions were ; Then have we wisely broke our Mounds , That our Defences were , Wisely call'd in our Neighbours Hounds , And kill'd the desperate Hare . But if , with all this vast Expence , Besides a Sea of Blood Spilt in the Church and States Defence , Our Matters stand much as they stood ▪ Then have we done a World of ill , With endless Cost and Pains , A little hurtful Hare to kill ; And well deserve the Brains . FAB . XIII . Poetry its Cure. 1. A Youth of pregnant Parts and Wit , And thirsty after Fame , Was musing long which way to get An everlasting Name . 2. And having heard of Poetry , And its immortal Praise ; He thought the way to Fame must ly By courting of the Bayes . 3. He heard how many a noble Town Laid Claim to Homer's Birth , To purchase from it a Renown , Above the rest of th' Earth . 4. This kindl'd in his generous Mind A strong and noble Fire : He seem'd for nothing else design'd , Could nothing else desire . 5. The Father finding this intent Ill with his state agreed , That , living , wanted Six per Cent. Much more than Fame , when dead : 6. Resolv'd to try to cure his Mind , And change his vain Designs , And could no fitter Method find , Than sending him these Lines : Seven wealthy Towns contend for HOMER Dead , Through which the Living HOMER begg'd his Bread. FINIS . 
A67500	----	A dialogue between claret & darby-ale a poem, considered in an accidental conversation between two gentlemen. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1692 Approx. 22 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 7 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67500 Wing W732 ESTC R15114 12208467 ocm 12208467 56215 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67500) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 56215) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 904:36) A dialogue between claret & darby-ale a poem, considered in an accidental conversation between two gentlemen. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. Ames, Richard, d. 1693. [2], 10 p. Printed for E. Richardson, London : 1692. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Also attributed to Richard Ames. cf. NUC pre-1956. Advertisement at end. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Political poetry, English. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-05 Emma (Leeson) Huber Sampled and proofread 2003-05 Emma (Leeson) Huber Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion A DIALOGUE BETWEEN Claret & Darby-Ale . A POEM . Considered in an accidental Conversation between two Gentlemen . LONDON : Printed for E. Richardson , 1692. A DIALOGUE BETWEEN Claret and Darby-Ale . Two Gentlemen meeting on Ludgate-Hill . 1 st Gent. WElcome from the Country Dear Harry ; what an Affliction has your Absence been to your Friends , who have hardly Enjoyed one pleasant Hour since you left us . 2 d Gent. And I as few pleasant Minutes . — They may talk what they will of the Diversions of the Country , as Hawking , Hunting , Setting , Coursing , &c. There 's no true solid Pleasure like a Town-Life , half a Dozen honest Friends , and as many refreshing Bottles of generous Wine , is a Pleasure which the Country cannot parrallel . 1 st Gent. Pardon me there Sir ; the very pleasure you speak of you may Enjoy to as full a Perfection in the Country as you can in the Town . 2 d Gent. You would be of another Opinion Will , if you knew what was my usual Company ; To day a couple of noisy Knights talking of nothing but Taxes and Politicks . — To morrow three or four Insipid ' Squires discoursing of their Horses and Dogs , as Crop and Dapple , Iowler , Rockwood , Ringwood and Bowman . Two or three days after , an old Country Iustice , with five or six Rich Yeomen confounding the Gazets and publick News-Papers with their senseless Commentaries . But what need I say more , are not these think you very agreeable Converse ? I am as glad I am come again to this dear Town as an Englishman who has been six Months Prisoner at St. Maloes is to see his Native Country once more . 1 st Gent. Then you reckon your coming to Town just as the Iews did their return from the Land of Captivity . 2 d Gent. Well , let the Iews be in Captivity or out of Captivity , I care not ; but this Discourse Edifies no more than a Relation of the New Lights to a Blind Man : I am for more substantial Doctrin . — Besides I hate standing in the Street , it looks so like Men of Business , and those Fellows , you know are my most particular Aversion : Let me see , what Tavern are we near ? Where we may meet with a Glass of old racy generous Wine , such as the Gods Drink when they 'r a Dry , for I am resolv'd not to part with you , till we have refresht our Understandings to such a pitch , that we shall be as Witty as Poets , as Wise as Statesmen , and as Religious as the Council of Trent : What sayst thou my Lad , ha ? 1 st Gent. I think Harry you need not the additional help of the Bottle , for you talk as briskly already as if you were Inspir'd . — What think you of a Dish of Settle-brain . 2 d Gent. Coffee I suppose you mean ; no , no , Will , I never think on 't at all ; I have above twenty Actions against that and Small beer . — Prethee no more of that sober Discourse , but to the matter in hand ; whither shall we go , to the George , or the Three-Tuns ? You know 'em both I 'm sure . 2 d Gent. Yes , as I did Mrs. you know who , about four years ago ; Faith , 't was a pretty familiar Girl till she practis'd Jilting , and then you are sensible 't is high time to quit her . 2 d Gent. Why ? have they Disoblig'd you lately by drawing you bad Wine ? 1 st Gent. No , never to my knowledg . — To tell you the plain Truth Harry , I drink no Wine ; and I think the Enmity between us is so great , that I fear we shall not be Friends again . 2 d Gent. Then I come in a very lucky minute to Reconcile you ; come , we will drink one compounding Bottle of Claret , and see if we can bring matters to accomodation . 1 st Gent. I 'll as soon drink one Bottle of Aqua-fortis . — Besides , you 'r deceiv'd if you think to find Claret in Town ; I will not say but there may be such Liquor ; but a Town-Iilt never went by more Names than Claret does now ; in one place 't is Barcelona , in another Navarr , here Syracuse , and there St. Sebastian ; but the general Name they give it is Red-port . 2 d Gent. Let 'em give it as many Names as the Mogul has Titles , I care not ; come , come , you shall drink one Bottle with me . 1 st Gent. Indeed you must excuse me Harry , for I swear I will not drink one drop of Wine . 2 d Gent. One may guess as much by thy Ember-week Complexion : You know I hate to press upon my Friends too much : What then will you Drink ? Or what is your beloved Liquor ? For I am resolved we will no more part with dry Lips , than half-a-dozen Fanaticks formerly met together , could part without railing at the Government . 1 st Gent. Truly my ordinary Liquor is the product of our own Country , good nappy well-brew'd Ale ; but when I would Regale my Sense , and treat my Palate , 't is generally with a Pint or two of Nottingham or Darby . 2 d Gent. Ha , ha , ha , Ale , quoth a ! A Man of thy sense and drink such foggy , unedifying Stuff ! But we will not here descend into the Merits of the Cause ; come I have found out an Expedient will please us both ; let 's go to the Wonder within the Gate , and I doubt not but honest Ned B — s will furnish us with Liquors both good in their Kinds , you with your Darby , and me with my Claret . 1 st Gent. Agreed , — The House stands rarely well for a Trade . 2 d Gent. And no doubt it has it . — Sirrah , Drawer , bid your Master bring us up a Bottle of Darby , and a Half-Flask of the best Red he has in his Cellar . 1 st Gent. Now we are set , Dear Harry let 's have a short account of some Country Intreagues of thine ; an Assignation in a Barn may , for Variety's sake , please as well as at a Ladys Lodgings in the Pell-Mell . 2 d Gent. Something may be done after a Dozen Gasses or so ; but you shall first oblige me with some piece of Wit , Satyr , or Lampoon , for I know you have been very happy in Procuring things of that Nature . 1 st Gent. Faith the Town has been very Dull this Vacation . — But this Morning I met a Friend who gave me a Paper of Verses , which he said pleas'd him ; I have not had so much Leisure as to read a Line of 'em yet ; but here they are , and I wish they may be diverting . 2 d Gent. They will no doubt ; Wit is sometimes as agreeable over a Glass , and relishes as well as a Neats-Tongue or a Dish of Anchovies . — Bless me ! Will , 't is the very subject we could have wisht for . — a Dialogue between Claret and Darby Ale. — If the Author manages his Subject well , we shall have Diversion enough , no doubt ; but before we Read it , we 'll take Half-a-dozen Glasses a piece to the memory of our absent Friends . 1 st Gent. With all my Heart , — And then I hope the Poem will Attone for the Dullness of my Company . 2 d Gent. No Complements Will. — But now to the business . — A Dialogue between Claret and Darby Ale , — A kind of Aesop's Fable in Verse . — A half Flask of Claret standing on a Table , a Bottle of Darby Enters , and places himself within half a Yard of him ; at which Affront the Claret in a passion Speaks . Reads . — Claret . What Slave art thou , Impertinent and Rude , That dar'st upon my Privacies Intrude ? Speak quickly Wretch , and tell me who thou art , Thy business too , or instantly Depart . Darby . Good words will breed no Blisters on the Tongue ; To call me Slave and Wretch , you do me wrong ; If you provoke me , I perhaps can shew As much of Birth and Pedegree as you ; For by your poor Straw Iacket , 't is as plain , As by your Questions , you 'r no Gentleman . Claret . Ill judging Fool , who dost by outsides guess , And value things by their Appearances ; My Quality I may in time Disclose , But till I know your Name , we must be Foes . Darby . Since Choler o're your Reason does prevail , I 'll Humour you , — My Name is Darby-Ale . Claret . Your Servant ; Are you then that Mighty Sir , Who have so lately made so great a Stir ? You and your Cousin German Nottingham , Had so ingrost the Breath of airy Fame , That all the Coffee-Houses of the Town , Did you their Tutelary Angel own ; Nay more , your boldness grew to such a height , That you presum'd at last t' invade my Right . Well said Old Straw-bottle , there 's an Action good in Law , and faith I 'll lay twenty Pound thou carryest it . Darby . My Country Breeding is I must confess , As yet not Polisht with a fine Address : I know no wrong I 've done . — But taxt by you , 'T is fit your Name and Quality I knew , That I may either Vindicate the Action , Or else Submit and give you Satisfaction . Claret . Spoke like a Spark ; but since I stoop so low , To let thy Little Self my Title know : Prepare thy Ears , and Tremble when you hear it , I am the most Immortal Liquor Claret , Sent down to be a Charm for mortal Cares , Son of the Sun , and Brother to the Stars . That 's a Line I have read in some Play or other ; but however 't is well enough applyed here . Darby . I 'm glad I know you , High and Mighty Sir ; Think you your pompous empty Name could stir My Choler ? No , your Title makes me fear , As much as if you 'd been Six Shilling Beer . Claret . Thou Son of Earth , thou dull insipid thing , To Level me , who am of Liquors King , With lean Small Beer , but that thou art not worth My Anger , else I 'de frown thee into Earth . Darby . I neither fear your Frown , nor court your Smile : But if I 'm not mistaken all this while , By other Names than Claret you are known . Claret . You do not hear me Sir the Fact disown , Some call me Barcelona , some Navar , Some Syracuse ; but at the Vintners Bar My Name 's Red Port : But call me what they will , Claret I am , and will be Claret still . Darby . So needy Sparks by several Names are known : It argues Knav'ry to have more than one . None knows in private what the Vinters do , But there 's some Roguery hatcht between you two , Those Sons of Bacchus else could never hold : Why ? There 's more Wine by Name of Claret sold One Month in London , than a man can guess To be the Product of three Vintages . 1 st Gent. There I think he is pretty even with him , for the Vintners do certainly play the Devil in their Cellars ; and therefore 't was no ill Joke when a Brewers Servant meeting a Vintner of his acquaintance , bid him Good morrow Brother Brewer . 2 d Gent. You have heard the Plaintiff , and 't would be unjust not to hear the Defendant too . — Let me read on . Claret . Offspring of Element and Grains forbear , And press not too Inquisitively near Our Mysteries : For 't is not fit you know , What my old Friend the Vintner and I do . What Racks and Tortures ere I undergo , That 't is for my amendment done I know ; And I appear all fine at Iovial Club. Darby . As Fluxing Sinner rose from Sweating-Tub : The diff'rence only lies between you two , He is by Mercury Cur'd , by Brimstone you . 1 st Gent. There I think Old Darby has given him a home thrust : Come , here 's one Health of Remembrance to all our Friends in the North for that Jokes sake . 2 d Gent. 'T is a rude kind of Jest tho , just like his breeding : But I 'll read on . Claret . Dull Slave , thy empty foolish Puns forbear , Know that more Virtue in this Flask I bear , To chear the Blood , and make the Spirits Quicker , Than is in Tuns of thy Insipid Liquor . Darby . What mighty Difference lies between us two ? I warm the Blood as much , or more than you . Claret . You warm the Blood ! You put it in a Flame , While I with gentle Fires just Heat the same : What Man with Thee one Ev'nings brunt has stood , But rose with Aking-Head and Fev'rish Blood ? Whereas my Friends could no such Symptoms Mark , But rise next Morning Chearful as the Lark . Darby . Could you Examin Pluto's Weekly Bill , You 'd find amongst those Crouds his Caverns fill , Forty by Drinking Wine that thither came , For one , by Darby Ale and Nottingham . Claret . Are you his Register , so well you know The state of the Departed Souls below ? I thought that secret had belong'd to Fate , But Fools of things above them sometimes prate . Darby . Since you are mov'd , we 'll choose another Theam , My want of Spirit sure you wont Condemn ; I warm the Blood , and Doctors all agree , When that is brisk , the Spirits must be free . Claret . With senseless Jests , and farfetcht Repartee , For sure no other Wit was caus'd by thee ; The Blood indeed you Warm with Poysonous Fire , But I yet never heard you could Inspire , Except some Smithfield Poets when they Write , And sad and Lamentable Songs Indite ; For I have heard when liberal Draughts of Thee , Have warm'd the Brains that kept thee Company ; Such senseless Strains pass currently for Wit , As Irish Teague ne're spoke , nor Saff — ld Writ ; Whereas the Friends that Hug me every Night , ( Not measuring time by Hours , but by Delight Are men of sense , deep Judgment , Fancy , Wit ; When they 'bout me in Consultation sit , Each Glass creates some pretty Virgin Thought , Which but for me had ne're to light been brought ; For Poets , Lawyers , Orators confess , Their words appear in the most charming Dress , When they of me have took a plenteous Glass ; If this be true , Faith Darby thou r't an Ass. Darby . How strangely you Insult and Domineer , You Foreign Born , and I a Native here . I thought French Breeding was more Civiliz'd . Claret . You Scoundrel Dog , am I not Nat'ralliz'd ? The greatest part o' th' Nation own my Iuice , While they with Justice Foggy-Ale refuse . Darby . But Acts of Parliament 'gainst you are made . Claret . What seem'd to Crush has but advanc'd my Trade . Darby . Then you it seems ( so very great your sense is ) Are above Law , as Saints 'bove Ordinances ; But there may come a time — Claret . — When you shall be , Loaded with shame , disgrace and infamy . Back to thy Native Soyl , return again , While I my Grandeur and my Pomp maintain ; Thy Credit 's clearly lost about the Town , And none but Red nos'd Sots thy Power own , Else in Gazetts and Advertisements , you Would ne're have begg'd for Custom ; Is this true ? Darby . Perhaps it may , perhaps it may be not , May racking Gouts , Pains , Aches , be the Lot Of him that Drinks thee , may he more be Curst With Fev'rish Heats , and an Eternal Thirst , Till Raving Madness him of Sense bereave ; So with these Hearty Prayers I take my Leave . Claret . What , Angry Darby ? Nay , before you go , Pray be so kind to hear my Wishes too : May Rhumes , Catarrhs , Defluctions light upon Thy Favorites ; but chiefly let the Stone Oppress them so , that in their Fits they may , To go to Hell for Ease , devoutly Pray ; May Palsies rack their Joynts , sharp Pains their Head , And not one part about their Bodies Freed From Misery . — And so farewel Old-Darby , Born at the Peak , or else the Devil's Ass Hard-by . Exeunt . 2 d Gent. What think you now Will , who has got the better on 't ? 1 st Gent. They seem to be pretty equally Matcht ; but I believe the Poet Loves Claret , he seems to be so favourable to that side . 2 d Gent. He 's much in the right on 't , for Faith Will that Ale you Drink is a most ●ulsom Liquor : Let me feel your Pulse . — Lord ! How hot you are ? and your Face looks as Red as the Moon in Eclipse . — I am resolv'd to undertake thy Conversion , and bring thee over to the Faith again ; and to morrow we 'll Dine at the Rummer in Queen-street and swim in Claret . 1 st Gent. I begin to be a little Sensible of my Mistake ; but since I am under no Vow , Wager , nor Obligation , for once I 'll venture upon One Pint to morrow , but it will be as odd and nauseous to me at first , as the Bitter Draught is to Children troubled with the Worms . 2 d Gent. Never think on 't . — Let the first Pint be what it will , the second shall absolutely recover thee from thy Dangerous Heresy . — I am sorry tho , we must Part so soon ; but I have some business in the City , and fear I have out-staid my time . 1 st Gent. I am sure I am not very fit for business of any sort , this Ale has got into my Head , I 'le go to the Playhouse to keep my self out of bad Company . 2 nd Gent. A pleasant thought . — Then till to morrow Adieu . 1 st Gent. I will not fail . — Here Boy , Take your Mony FINIS . ADVERTISEMENTS . THe Folly of Love : A Satyr against Women . A Poem . The Siege and Surrender of Mons : A Tragi-Comedy . Exposing the Villany of the Priests , and the Intriegues of the French. The Pleasures of Love and Marriage : A Poem in Praise of the Fair Sex. In Requital for the Folly of Love , and some other late Styrs on Women . 
A41087	----	A trip to Holland being a description of the country, people and manners : as also some select observations on Amsterdam. Felltham, Owen, 1602?-1668. 1699 Approx. 52 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A41087 Wing F659 ESTC R225871 13031593 ocm 13031593 96761 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A41087) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 96761) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 738:24) A trip to Holland being a description of the country, people and manners : as also some select observations on Amsterdam. Felltham, Owen, 1602?-1668. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. [4], 12 p. s.n.], [London : 1699. A reissue of Feltham's "A brief character of the Low-countries under the States", in imitation of Ward's "Trip to Jamaica". Cf. Troyer, H.W. Ned Ward of Grubstreet ... Cambridge, Mass., 1946, p. 26. Has been attributed to Ward. Cf. A catalogue of the library of ... John Henry Wrenn. Austin, Tex., 1920. v. 5, p. 101. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Netherlands -- Description and travel. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-04 Jennifer Kietzman Sampled and proofread 2003-04 Jennifer Kietzman Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion A Trip to Holland , BEING A DESCRIPTION OF THE Country , People and Manners : As also some Select OBSERVATIONS ON AMSTERDAMc His Motto Jason and the Fleece Who had a notable Head-piece , ( Who tho' agross one of 't would boast Himself a Wit , like Quixots Host Inlaid with brass , and for his Crest A ship , display'd with Back and Breast , On Billow Rampant with fullsails Ermin'd with Cod , and Herring Scales . Dutch Hudibrass . Printed in the Year , 1699. THE PREFACE TO THE READER . CErtainly a Trip to Holland may be as grateful as one to Jamaica ? I am sure the Dutch can furnish one with as good a Subject as any English Colony whatsoever And if I am not so Witty as the Plantation Author I am certain I am somewhat Wiser . He takes the liberty of abusing his own fellow Subjects , and consequently beshits his own Nest , but I fall upon a Nation which shits upon all the world beside , if over witting it may be called so , and I think nasty terms are fitly apply'd to such nasty People . I am afraid our West-India Poet is some transported Fellon , who being sent to the Plantation for a Venture , lit on a bad Master , and with a true New-Gate Courtisie to revenge his Spleen on one House , he squirt his Excrement against a whole Island . But no more of his Trip : it has Sold very well , and it 's my business to sell mine if I can , and like a true Author Preface it heartily , or the Ignorant Puppy my Chap will never buy it . For unless a a Writer now-a-days , like a Dutch Painter , sets the name under the Beast he has drawn , the Devil a bit , does the Reader know what he means ; and indeed some of our modern Compositions , as our Aesops , &c. have as much occasion for a Key to let you into their meaning , as Myn Heer Van Butterbox his Picture has for a Name to be written under it . In short Gentlemen , I am resolv'd to get rid of my Commodity , which will stick upon my Hands , unless I give such an account of it as may make it Saleable . And saith right or wrong I can satisfie the Reader it shall not want my Commendation . What a Plague would he have , if what follows won't please him ? Here 's * Collection of all Bartholomew-Fair in one single Dutch-man , and Fool , Knave , and Monster , is but part of the Medly ofwhich he is Compos'd . To talk with him is present Deafness , and to deal with him is no other than to be certainly Cheated : To Eat with him is to save the charge of a Vomit , and to Lie with him is to put you in mind what occasion you have the next day for an Apothecary . For if you chance to escape the Itch , the Lice will overtake you , If you go to make application to one of their Women by knocking at her Fore-door she immediatly claps her A — se , and points to the Postern ; and to offer to do any thing the right way , is immediatly to be told you are in the wrong : To conclude , all things are so irregular , as to think only of order , is to forget the People we are about to treat of , and to declaim against Rebellion , is to put 'em in mind to whom they owe their Allegiance , which is a far greater sin amongst them than Rebellion it self . But that the Reader may be no longer detain'd at the Threshold , let him ( if he has Money ) put his hand into his Pocket and pull out Six-pence , which will admit him into the House , otherwise he is no Man for our turn , for he can't imagine that we who are about to show him the Mercenary'st Beasts in the World , will be such Asses our selves as to do it for nothing . Let the Gentlemen therefore that have a mind to see the Raree-show , down with their Money , and take their places , for we are just going to begin , whilst those-who cannot produce the Ready , may march off , for we are for no such Customers . A Trip to Holland . HAving in the Month of August last past , some earnest occasions which call'd me to Holland , I accordingly took Coach for Harwich , in order to Embark . But arriving there too late for the Packet-Boat , which had set Sail some time before , I was forc'd to lay hold on an opportunity , which gave me an insight into the Manners of that Country I was going to pay a visit to . It happen'd a Dutch Smack was weighing Anchor for Helvoetsluys , and the Long-Boat staying for the Master who was drinking at a Publick-House , I was told by some Persons on the Key , that he had taken in some Passengers , and would gladly accept of my Company too . Pursuant therefore to the directions which were given me , I went up to the Sign of the Amsterdam , where he was drinking , and asking for him , had admision into his Company . But Lord when I had the first sight of the Beast how I was in a surprize ! He had no less than half a Pint of Brandy in his hand , which he had infallibly swallow'd without any other Ceremony , had he not thought it more breeding to defer the Execution of it ( for his Country manner of drinking is no other than down-right Murdering the Liquors they gorge down ) till he had first saluted me . Which was a manner of complimenting which I amidst a thousand Extravagancies had hitherto been ignorant of . For being fearful of losing his Liquor should he set it down , and solicitous lest his addresses should not be tim'd soon enough , up he made towards me and hit me such a cursed slap on the Chaps with his damn'd Phiz , that tho time has worn off the mark of the blow he gave me with his intended Kiss , yet I shall always retain the memory of the stink it left behind it . He was as well acquainted in less than a minute with me as the best Friend I left behind me at the Rose-Tavern in London , and without asking me my business , after having sputter'd out a little Dutch , which was as much as to say , My dear Friend here 's to you , down went the half pint at one draught , which was fill'd up to the Brim for me to do the same . But I having been us'd more to Hippolito's and Chaves his Chocolet-House than any Distillers whatsoever , and by consequence more conversant with the Looking-Glass , than Glasses which held such distructive Liquors to the Face in 'em , beg'd his excuse by the wry Faces I made to him for that was the only way I had to let him into my meaning , since my Friends had educated me more like a Christian than to teach me abominable Dutch , But the Skipper for his part answer'd me in worse Grimaces than I made him , and was so importunate with his sputterings which I understood not till a Chaplain to a Regiment during the War in Flanders , and who was going to fetch his Wise from thence , told me 't was his Country fashion , and if I would be civily us'd , and design'd to be a Passenger , submission to his temper was the only means to acquire it ; and though such a reception to a Gentleman of my appearance ( for I must tell you I look'd like no small Fool ) might savour of rudeness , yet it was Myn Heer 's chief accomplish ment and grace , who serv'd every one after that manner , whom he had an esteem for . The Parson having acquainted me with his own resignation in drinking three full Pints of this F●ea-killing Medicine , I e'en forgave the Puppy his intolerable stinking Kiss , and up I top'd a Draught , which ne'er a Beau in Covent-Garden would have submitted to but my self , and which I should have had the Grace to have refus'd , had not the urgency of my Concerns joyn'd with the entreaties of my spiritual Adviser prevail'd over me . I had no sooner dispers'd this Emblem of Hell amidst my Guts , but our Heavenly Ambassador had whip'd off his supernaculum , a way of drinking Customary to our Military Clergy . I immediately look'd in his Face , to see whether the vehemency of that Flood of Liquor , had drove out no Carbuncle ; already enquiring for a Looking-glass , in order to mortifie those , which I did not doubt but I had encourag'd , with a Patch . But the man of the House told me in short , he had no such wry fac'd Company , who kept to his House , that should ask for any such Foppish Instrument ; and I must say this in Sir Crape's defence ; he had perform'd to a Miracle , for the Devil a bit could a Pimple be seen in his Face , it being all over but one continued Carbuncle , and one must have us'd the same means to find it out , as Astronomers do in searching for Motes in the Sun , for nothing under a Telescope could have satisfied you in your enquiry after it . But enough of the Soul-saving , but Body-destroying Parson , my business is with the Skipper , and a Plague on him , for he ply'd me so with Liquor , that all Mount Aetna would have been but a Spark to what I had in my Guts . In short , I began very much to repent me of my journey , and could have wish'd my Friend had rather liv'd , who left me the Legacy I was going for , than I had fallen into such an execrable Society . But since I was come so far , and it could not be long before the Ship went off , I comforted my self with the short continuance of these Hellish proceedings , and endeavour'd to make the Glass stand still by telling the Master of the Vessel by my Vallet my Interpreter , that I was come to be his Passenger . He answer'd he knew that , tho' how he should , encreas'd my Wonder , since he had ply'd me so by drinking to me , that I had not time to tell him ; but it seems these Skippers are such intolerable Soakers , that no body will bear the fatigue of their Conversation by Land , but those who must have their Company by Water . When Heaven 's be prais'd in came the Boats-Crew , who without any Ceremony with their Hats on their Heads , sat down by their Commander , and told him all things were ready for our Departure . Good God! What an alteration did these Fellows make in me , who could not but think my self almost in a state of Damnation before their coming ! Every one was a good Genius to me , tho' they had all , like their ill favour'd Master , the appearance of euil ones . Four and twenty hours would compleat my deliverance , for whatever came on 't I was resolv'd to make my return in an English Vessel . But one damn'd Ceremony was to be encountred with still , Myn Heer must have a Bumper to our good Voyage , and the Parson cry'd blessings attend the Cup , which I agreed to , but was forc'd to go out , to ease my Stomach which was over-charg'd before . At last , tho the Liquor over came me , all obstacles were over-come too , and we got aboard ; where I was Conducted into my Apartment which was like our Li●tle-Ease at Guild-Hall , there was small fear of falling out of my Bed , for the Tenement I had taken up was nothing else , and less , of being made light-headed by the Waves , since the Brandy had discharged the weight from my Brain before : In short I fell asleep , and kept in that lazy posture till my Man came to give me notice we were in sight of Helvoe●sluys , which made me put off my close bodied Coat the Cabin , and come above Deck , from whence to my no small surprize , I saw at least two or three Hundred Boats making towards us . Every one was for making a Market of us , when for as much as I could see , all the Passengers Equipage besides my own , might have been landed in a Hand-basket . I had now nothing to do , but to ask my Blockhead , the Skipper , what he must have for my Passage , which he had like to have prevented me in , by demanding it from me , for they are as hasty for their Money , as they are for their Drink , and they 'll as soon abate you a spoonful or two in your Glass , as they will Half a Skilling of their first demands , In fine , the Price was Seven Pistols , which I to get rid of his Company paid down readily , tho I knew the Exaction . Having left my Spark , whose Conversation had made me so uneasie , I made towards the Land in a pair of Oars , first bargaining with the two Sco●erkins my Boatmen for a Ducatoon : Indeed , they perform'd their parts like any Water-Rats , and put me a shore with such expedition , as one might perceive the Love they bare to the Ducatoon , by the hast they made to finger it . Being on the Land ( if we may call a Country which is half Water so ) the first Inn of any tolerable appearance which I met with , was the sign of the Angel , which I could not but admire at in a place where all the Inhabitants bear the Characters of meer Devils . Here I put in , as thinking by the sign they must be something better than Dutchmen that dwelt in it , but I was soon undeceiv'd by the first sight of the Master of the House , who came with his Hat on his Head , and ask'd my Business . I resolv'd him by my Man , for his Language was Heathen Greek to me , and being very Hungry , bespoke two or three Dishes , as Scotch-Collops , Fowls , &c. Lord , Sir , crys my Servant , do you intend to be ruin'd , there are at least thirty Taxes laid on the several ingredients with which the several Sances are to be made . However , I was resolv'd to try the Experiment , and according to his Words , found such a Reckoning , as a Candidate for a Parliament might have treated a Mayor and his whole Corporation with . Sèveral Complements pass'd here , as distasteful as those my Skipper paid . But to detain my Reader no longer from the general Observations , I made of the whole Country , let it suffice , if I tell him I took Sledge , for they travel here in the same manner as our Criminals take a journey to Tyburn in , for the Hague , and having ended my Business in a day or two , I spent three Weeks in visiting the several Provinces , on which he may take the following Remarks . THey are a general Sea Land , the Great Bog of Europe ; and there is not such another Marsh in the World that 's flat . They are an Universal Quagmire Epitomized . A Green Cheese in Pickle . There is in them an Aequilibrium of Mud and Water . A strong Earthquake would shake them to a Chaos , from which the successive force of the Sun , rather than Creation , hath a little amended them . They are the Ingredients of a Black Pudding , and want only stirring together . Marry , 't is best making on 't in a dry Summer , else you will have more Blood than Grist : And then have you no way to make it serve for any thing , but to tread it under Z●na Torrida , and so dry it for Turfs ? Says one , it affords the People one Commodity beyond all the other Regions , If they die in Perdition , they are so low , that they have a shorter cut to Hell than the rest of their Neighbours . And for this Cause , perhaps all strange Religions throng thither , as naturally inclining towards their Center . Besides , their ●●●ches shew them to be Pluto's Region , and you all know what Part that was which the Poets did of old assign him . Here is Styx , Acheron , Cocytus , and the rest of those muddy Streams that have made Matter for the Fablers . Almost every one is a Charon here ; and if you have but a Naulum to give , you cannot want a Boat or Pilot. To confirm all , let but some of our Separatists be asked , and they shall swear , That the Elezian Fields are there . It is an excellent Country for a Despairing Lover ; for every Corner affords him a Willow to make a Garland on ; but if Justice doom him to be hang'd on any other Tree , he may , in spight of the Sentence , live long and confident . If he had rather quench his Spirits than suffocate them , rather chuse to feed Lobsters than Crows ; 't is but leaping from his Window , and he lights in a River or Sea ; for most of their dwellings stand like Prives in Moted Houses , hanging still over the Water . If none of these cure him , keep him but a Winter in a House without a Stove , and that shall cool him . The Soil is all Fat , though wanting the Colour to shew it so ; for indeed it is the Buttock of the World , full of Veins and Blood , but no Bones in 't . Had St. Steven been condemned to suffer here , he might have been alive at this day , for unless it be in their paved Cities , Gold is a great deal more plentiful than Stones , except it be living ones ; and then for their heaviness , you may take in almost all the Nation . 'T is a singular Place to fat Monkeys in . There are Spiders as big as Shrimps , and I think as many . Their Gardens being moist , abound with these . No Creatures ; for sure they were bred , not made . Were they but as Venomous as Rank , to gather Herl ; were to hazard Martyrdom . They are so large , that you would almost believe the Hesperides were here , and these the Dragons that did Guard them . You may travel the Country , though you have not a Guide ; for you cannot baulk your Road , without the hazard of Drowning . There is not there any use of an Harbinger . Wheresoever Men go , the Way is made before them . Had they Cities large as their Walls , Rome would be esteem'd a Bawble ; 20 Miles in length is nothing for a Wagon to be hurried on one of them , where , if your Fore-man be sober , you may travel in safety , otherwise you must have stronger Faith than Peter had , else you sink immediately . A Startling Horse endangers you to two Deaths at once , breaking of your Neck and Drowning . If your way be not thus , it hangs in the Water , and at the approach of your Waggon , shall shake as if it were Ague-strucken . Duke d' Alva's asking of the Tenth Penny , frighted it into a Palsie , which all the Mountebanks they have bred since , could never tell how to cure . 'T is indeed but a Bridge of Swiming Earth , on a Flag somewhat thicker than ordinary ; if the Strings crack , your course is shortned ; you can neither hope for Heaven , nor fear Hell ; you shall be sure to stick fast between them . Marry if your Faith flow Purgatory height , you may pray if you will for that to cleanse you from the Mud that shall soil you . 'T is a green Sod in Water , where , if the German Eagle dares to Bath himself , he 's glad again to perch , that he may dry his Wings . Some things they do that seem Wonders . 'T is ordinary to see them fish for Fire in Water , which they catch in Nets , and transport to Land in their Boats , where they spred it more smoothly than a Mercer doth his Velvet , when he would hook in an Heir upon his coming to Age. Thus lying in a Field , you would think you saw a Cantle of Green Cheese spread over with Black Butter . If Aetna be Hell's Mouth , or Fore-gate , sure here 's found the Postern . 'T is the Port Esquiline of the World , where the whole Earth doth vent her crude black Gore , whick the inhabitants scrape away for Fuel , as Men with Spoons do Excrements from Civet-Cats . Their ordinary Pack-Horses are all of Wood , who carry their Bridles in their Tails , and their Burdens in their Bellies . A strong Tide and a stiff Gale are the Spurs that make them speedy . When they travel , they stand still , they drink up too much of their Way . T●●● is a Province amongst them , where every Woman carries a Concy in a Lamb Skin . 'T is a Custom , and not one that travels ever leaves it behind her : Now guess , if you can , what Beast that is , which is clod in a Fur both of Hair and Wool. They dress their Meat in Aqua Coelesti ; for it springs not as ours , from the Earth , but comes to them as Manna to the Israelites , falling from Heaven . This they keep under ground till it stinks , and then they pump it out again for use . So when you wash your Hands with one Hand , you need to hold your Nose with the other ; for tho' it be not Cordial , 't is certainly a Strong Water . The Elements are here at Variance , the subtil overswaying the grosser . The Fire consumes the Earth , and the Air the Water . They Burn Turfs , and Drain their Ground with Windmills ; as if the Cholick were a Remedy for the Stone : And they would prove against Philosophy , the World's Conflagration to be Natural ; even shewing thereby , that the very Element of Earth is Combustible . The Land that the have , they keep as neatly as a Courtier does his Beard . They have a Method in Mowing . 'T is so interven'd with Water and Rivers , that it is impossible to make a Common among them . Even the Brownists are here at a stand , only they hold their Pride in wrangling for that which they never will find . Our Justices would be much at ease , although our English Poor were still among them ; for , whatsoever they do , they can break no Hedges . Sure had the Wise Men of Gotham lived here , they would have studied some other Death for the Cuckow . Their Ditches they frame as they list , and distinguish them into No●ks , as my Lord Mayor's Cook doth his Custards . Cleanse them they do often ; but it is as Physicians give their Potions , more to catch the Fish , than cast the Mud ●●t . Though their Country be part of a Main Land , yet every House almost lands in an Island . And that though a Boor dwell in it , looks as smug as a Lady that hath newly lock'd up her Colours , and laid by her Irons . A galant Masquing Suit sits not more compleat than a Coat of Thatch , tho' of many years wearing . If it stand dry , 't is imbraced by Vines , as if it were against the nature of a Dutchman , not to have Bacchus his Neighbour . If you find it lower seated , 't is only a close Arbour in a Plump of Willows and Alders , pleasant enough while the Dog-days last ; but those past once , you must practice Wading , or be Prisoner till the next Sprink , only a hard Frost , with the help of a Sledge , may release you . The Bridge to this , is an Outlandish Plank , with a Box of Stones to poise it withal , which with the least help turns round , like the Executioner when he whips off a Head. That when the Master is over , stands drawn , and then he is in his Castle . 'T is sure his fear that renders him suspicious . That he may therefore certainly see who enters , you shall ever find his Window made over his Door . But it may be , that is to shew you his Pedigree ; for though his Ancestors were never known , their Arms are there ; which ( in spight of Heraldry ) shall bear their Archievement , with a Helmet for a Baron , at least . Marry , the Field , perhaps , shall be charged with their Baskets , to shew of what Trade his Father was . Escutcheons are as plentiful as Gentry is scarce . Every man there is his own Herald ; and he that has but Wit enough to invent a Coat , may challenge it as his own . When you are entred the House , the first thing you encounter is a Looking-Glass . No question but a true Emblem of Politick Hospitality ; for though it reflect your self in your own Figure ; 't is yet no longer than while you are there before it . When you are gone once , it flatters the next Comer , without the least remembrance that you ever were there . The next , are the Vessels of the House , marshall'd about the Room like Watchmen ; all as neat as if you were in a Citizen's Wife's Cabinet ; for , unless it be themselves , they let none of God's Creatures lose any thing of their Native Beauty . Their Houses , especially in their Cities , are the best Eye beauties of their Country : for Cost and Sight they far exceed our English , but they want their Magnificence . Their Lining is yet more rich than their Out-side , not in Hangings , but Pictures , which even the poorest are there furnish'd with . Not a Cobler but has his Toys for Ornament . Were the Knacks of all their Houses set together there would not be such another Bartholomew-Fair in Europe . Their Artists for these are as rare as thought , for they can paint you a Fat Hen is her Feathers ; and if you want the Language , you may learn a gret deal of Dutch by their Signs ; for , what they are , they ever write under them . So by this Device , hang up more honesty than they keep . Coaches are as rare as Comets ; and those that live loosly need not fear one Punishment , which often vexes such with us ; they may be sure , tho they be discovered , they shall not be Carted , All their Merchandise they draw through the Streets on Sledges ; or as we on Hurdles do Traytors to Execution . Their Rooms are but several Sand-boxes : if so , you must either go out to spit , or blush when you see the Mop brought . Their Beds are no other than Land-cabins , high enough to need a Ladder or Stairs ; Up once , you are walled in with Wainscot ; and that is good Discretion to avoid the trouble of making your Will every Night ; for once falling out , would break your Neck perfectly . But if you die in it , this Comfort you shall leave your Friends , That you Di'd in Clean Linnen . Whatsoever their Estates be , their Houess must be Fair ; therefore from Amsterdam they have banish'd Sea-coal , left it soil their Buildings , of which the stateliet sort are sometimes Sententious , and in the Front carry some Conceit of the Owner ▪ is to give you a taste in these : ChrIstVs ADIV●or M●Vs Hoc abdicato perenne pereo . HIC Me DIO 〈◊〉 ●●Vr . Every Door seems studded with Diamonds . The Nails and Hinges hold a constant Brightness , as if Rust there were not a quality incident to Iron . Their Houses they keep cleaner than their Bodies , their Bodies than their Souls . Go to one , you shall find the Andirons shut up in Net-work . At a second , the Warming-pan mu●●●ed in Italian Cut work . At a third , the Sconce clad in Cambrick , and like a Crown , advanced in the middle of the House ; for the Woman there is the Head of the Husband , so takes the Horn to her own charge , which she sometimes multiplies , and bestows the increase on her Man. 'T is true , they are not so ready at this play , as the English ; for neither are they so generally bred to 't ; nor are their Men such Linnen lifters . Idleness and Conrtship has not banish'd Honesty . They speak more , and do less ; yet doth their Blood boil high , and their Veins are full , which argues strongly , that when they will , they may take up the Custom of Entertaining Strangers : and having once done it , I believe they will be notable ; for I have heard , they trade more for Love than Money ; but 't is for Sport , not the Man ; and therefore , when they like the Pastime , they will reward the Gamester ; otherwise their gross Fool and clownish Breeding hath spoiled them from being nobly-minded . And if you once in publick discover her Private Favours , or pretend to more than is Civil , she falls off , like Fairy-wealth disclos'd , and turns , like Beer with Lightning , to a Sowerness , which neither Art nor Labour can ever make sweet again . But this I must give you on Report only ; Experience herein hath neither made me Fool nor Wise. The People are generally Boorish , yet none but may be bred to a States-Man they having all this Gift , Not to be so Nice-Conscienced , but that they can turn out Religion to let in Policy . Their Country is the God they worship . War is their Heaven . Peace is their Hell : and the Spaniard is the Devil they hate . Custom is their Law ; and their Will , Reason . You may sooner convert a Iew , than make an ordinary Dutchman yield to Arguments that cross him . An old Bawd is easilier turn'd Puritan , than a Waggon●● perswaded not to bait thrice in nine Miles : and when he doth , his Horses must not stir , but have their Manger brought them into the Way , where , in a top sweat they eat their Grass , and drink Water , and presently after hurry away ; for they ever drive as if they were all the Sons of Nim●●● , and were futiously either pursuing an Enemy , or flying him . His Spirits are generated from the English Beer , and that makes him Head-strong ▪ His Body is built of Pickled Herring , and they render him Testy ; these with a little Butter , Onions and Holland Cheese , are the Ingredients of an ordinary Dutchman ; which a Voyage to the East-Indies , with the Heat of the Aequinoctial consolidates . If you see him fat , he hath been rooting in a Cabbage ground , and that bladdered him . Viewing him Naked , you will pray him to pull off his Masque and Gloves , or wish him to hide his Face , that he may appear more lovely . For that and his Hands are Egypt , however his Body be Europe . He has exposed them so much to the Sun and Water , as he is now his own Disguise , and without a Vizard , may serve in any Antimasque you put him in . For their Condition , they are churlish , as their Breeder Neptune ; and without doubt , very Antient , for they were bred before Manners were in Fashion ; yet all they have not , they account Superfluity , which they say , mends some , and marrs many . They should make good Justices ; for they respect neither Persons nor Apparel . A Boor in his liquor'd Slop , shall have as much good usage as a Courtier in his Bravery ; nay , more ; for he that is but courtly or gentile , is among them like a Merlyn after Michaelmas in the field with Crows . They wonder at and envy , but worship no such Images . Marry , with a Silver Hook you shall catch these Gudgeons presently ; the love of Gain being to them as natural as Water to a Goose , or Carrion to any Kite that flies . They are seldom Deceived ; for they Trust no body ; so by consequence are better to hold a Fort that , win it ; yet can do both . Trust them you must if you travel ; for to ask a Bill of Particulars , is to put in a Wasp's Nest ; you must pay what they ask , as sure as if it were the Assessment of a Subsidy . Compliment i● an Idleness they were never trained up in ; and 't is their Happiness , that Court-Vanities have not stolen away their Minds from Business . Their being Sailors and Soldiers , have marr'd two parts already ; if they bath one in Court oyl , they are painted Trapdoors , and shall then let the Iews build a City where Harlem M●er i● , and after cozen em on 't . They shall abuse a Stranger for nothing , and after a few base terms , scotch one another to a Carbonado , or as they do their Roches when they fry them . Nothing can quiet them but Money and Liberty , yet when they have them , they abuse both ; but if you tell them so , you awake their Fury ; and you may sooner calm the Sea ; than conjure that into compass again . Their Anger hath no Eyes ; their Judgment doth not flow so much from Reason , as Passion and Partiality . They are in a manner all Aquatiles , and therefore the Spaniards calls them Water Dogs . To this , though you need not condescend , yet withal , you may think they can catch you a Duck as soon . Sea Gulls do not swim more readily ; nor Moor-Hens from their Nest run sooner to the Water . Every thing is so made to swim among them as it is a Question , if Elizeus's Ax were now floating there , it would be taken for a Miracle . They love none but those that do for them , and when they leave off , they neglect them . They have no Friends but their Kindred , which at every Wedding , Feast among themselves like Tribes . All that help them not , they hold Popish ; and take it for an Argument of much Honesty , to Rail bitterly against the King of Spain . And certainly , this is a Badge of an ill Nature , when they have once cast off the Yoke , to be most virulent against those , to whom of right they owe Respect and Service . Grateful Dispositions , though by their Lords they be exempted from Service , will yet be paying Reverence and Affection . I am confident , that had they not been once the Subjects of Spain , they would have loved the Nation better . But now out of dying Duty 's Ashes arise the Blazes of Hostility and Flame . And 't is sufficient Ground to condemn their eternal haté , to know the World remembers , They were once the lawful Subjects of that most Catholick Crown . Their Shipping is the Babel , which they boast on for the Glory of their Nation , 't is indeed a Wonder , and they will have it so . But we may well hope , they will never be so mighty by Land , lest they shew us how doggedly they can insult , where they get Mastery . 'T is their own Chronicle-Business , which can tell you , that at the Siege of Leyden , a Port being held by the Spanish , by the Dutch was after taken by Assault ; the Desendants were put to the Sword , where one of the Dutch , in the Fury of the Slaughter , rip 't up a Captain 's Body , and with a barbarous hand tore out the yet living Heart , panting among the reeking Bowels , then with his Teeth rent it ; still warm with Blood , into Gobbets , which he spit over the Battlements in Defiance to the rest of the Army . Their Natives are the Whip of Spain , or the Arm wherewith they pull away his Indies . Nature hath , not bred them so active for the Land , as some others ; but at Sea they are Water-Devils , to attempt things incredible . In Fleets they can fight close , and rather hazard all , than save some , while others perish ; but single they will flag and fear , like Birds in a Bush , when the Sparrowhawk's Bells are heard . A Turkish Man of War is as dreadful to them as a Falcon to a Mallard ; from whom their best Remedy is to steal away : But if they come to Blows , they want the valiant Stoutness of the English , who will rather expire bravely in a bold Resistance , than yield to the lasting Slavery of becoming Captives to so barbarous an Enemy . And this shews , they have not learned yet even Pagan Philosophy , which ever prefer an honourable Death before a Life thrawl'd to perpetual Slavery . Their Ships lie like high Woods in Winter ; and if you view them on the North side , you freeze without hope ; for they ride so thick , that you can through them see no Sun to warm you with . Sailers among them are as common as Beggars with us . They can drink , rail , swear , niggle , steal , and be lowsie a like ; but examining their use , a Mess of their Knaves are worth a Million of ours ; for they in a hoisterous rudeness can work , and live and toil ; whereas ours will rather laze themselves to Poverty , and like Cabbages left out in Winter , rot away in the loathsomeness of a nauseous Sloath. Almost all among them are Seamen born , and like Frogs , can live both on Land and Water . Not a Country-Vrister but can handle an Oar , steer a Boat , raise a Mast , and bear you out in the roughest strai●s you come in . The Ship she a vouches much better for Sleep than a Bed. Being full of Humours , that is her Cradle , which lulls and rocks her to a dull Phlegmatickness , most of them looking like full grown Oysters boild . Slime , humid Air , Water , and wet Diet , have so bag'd their Cheeks , that some would take their Paunches to be gotten above their Chin. The Country's Government is a Democracy , and there had need be many to rule such a Rabble of rude Ones . Tell them of a King ; and they could cut your Throat in earnest The very Name carries Servitude in it , and they hate it more than a Iew doth Images , a Woman Old Age , or a Nonconformist a Surplice . None among them hath Authority by Inheritance , that were the way in time to parcel out their Country to Families . They are chosen all as our Kings chuse Sheriffs for their Counties ; not for their sin of Wit , but for the Wealth they have to bear it out withal ; which they so over-affect , that Myn Heer shall walk the Streets as Userers to go to Bawdy-houses , all alone and melancholly . And if they may be had cheap , he will dawb his faced Cloak with Two pennyworth of picked Herrings , which himself shall carry home in a String . A Common Voice has given him Pre-eminence , and he loses it by living as he did when he was but a Boor. But if you pardon what is past , they are about thinking it time to learn more Civility . Their Justice is strict , if it cross not Policy ; but rather than hinder Traffick , tolerates any thing . There is not under Heaven such a Den of several Serpents as Amsterdam is ; you may be what Devil you will , so you push not the State with your Horns . 'T is an University of all Religions , which grow here confusedly ( like Stocks in a Nursery ) without either Order or Pruning . If you be unsettled in your Religion , you may here try all , and take at last what you like best : If you fancy none , you have a Pattern to follow , of two , that would be a Church to themselves . 'T is the Fair of all the Sects , where all the Pedlars of Religion have leave to vent their Toys , their Ribbons , and Phanatick Rattles . And should it be true , it were a cruel brand which Romists stick upon them ; for say they , as the Chamaleon changes into all Colours but White ; so they admit of all Religions but the true ; for a Papist only may not exercise his in Publick : Yet , his Restraint , they plead , is not in Hatred , but Justice , because the Spaniards abridges the Protestants . And they had rather shew a little Spleen , than not cry quit with their Enemy . His Act is their Warrant , which they retaliate justly . And for this Reason , rather than the Dunkirkers they take shall not Die , Amsterdam having none of their own , shall borrow a Hang-Man from Harlem . Now , albeit the Papists do them wrong herein , yet can it not excuse their boundless Toleration , which shews they place their Republick in a higher esteem than Heaven it self ; and had rather cross upon God than it . For , whosoever disturbs the Civil Government , is liable to Punishment ; but the Decrees of Heaven , and Sanctions of the Deity , any one may break uncheck't , by prosessing what False Religion he please . So Consulary Rome of old , brought all the straggling Gods of other Nations to the City , where blinded Superstition paid an Adoration to them . In their Families they are all Equals ; and you have no way to know the Ma ster and Mistress , but by taking them in Bed together : it may be those are they , otherwise Malky can prate as much , laugh as loud , be as bold , and sit as well as her Mistress . Had Logicians lived here at first , Father and Son had never passed so long for Relatives : they are here Individuals ; for no Demonstrance of Duty or Authority can distinguish them , as if they were created together , and not born successively . And as for your Mother , bidding her Good Night , and Killing her , is punctual Blessings . Your Man shall be Sawcy , and you must not Strike ; if you do , he shall complain to the Scout , and perhaps have Recompence . 'T is a dainty place to please Boys in , for your Father shall bargain with your Schoolmaster , not to Whip you , if he doth , he shall Revenge it with his Knife , and have Law for it . Their Apparel is Civil enough , and Good enough , but very uncomely , and has usually more stuff than shape . Only their Huikes are commodius in Winter : but 't is to be lamented , that they have not Wit enough to lay them by when Summer comes . Their Women would have good Faces , if they did not marr them with making . Their Ear-wyers have so nipt in their Cheeks , that you would think some Fairy to do them a mischief , had pinch'd them behind with Tongs . These they dress , as if they would shew you all their Wit lay behind , and they needs would cover it . And thus ordered , they have much more Fore-head than Face . They love the English Gentry well ; and when Soldiers come over to be billeted among them , they are emulous in choosing of their Guest , who fares much the better for being liked by his Hostess . Men and Women are there starched so blue , that if they once grow old , you would verily believe you saw Winter walking up to the Neek in a Barrel of Indigo : And therefore they rail at England for spending no more Blewing . A Man among them is else clad tolerably , unless he incline to the Sea fashion ; and then are his Breeches yawning at the Knees , as if they were about to swallow his Legs unmercifully . They are far there from going Naked ; for of a whole Woman , you can see but half a Face . As for her Hand , that shews her a fore Labourer ; which you shall ever find , as it were in Recompence , loaded with Rings , to the cracking of her fingers . If you look lower , she 's a Monkey , chain'd about the middle ; and had rather want it in Diet , than not have Silver Links to hang her Keys in . Their Gowns are fit to hide great Bellies , but they make em shew so unhandsome that men do not care for getting them . Marry this you shall find to their Commendation , their Smocks are ever whiter than their Skin . Where the Woman lies in , the Ringle of the door does Pennance , and is lapped about with Linnen , either to shew you that loud knocking may waken the Child , or else for a Month the Ring is not to be run at . But if the Child be dead , there is thrust out a Nosegay , tied to a Stick 's end , perhaps for an Emblem of the Life of man , which may wither as soon as born ; or else to let you know , that tho' these fade upon their gathering , yet from the same stock , the next year a new shoot may spring . You may rail at us for often changing ; but I assure you , with them it is a great deal more following the Fashion , which they will plead for as the Ignorant Laity for their Faith ; they will keep it , because their Ancestors lived in it . Thus they will rather keep an old Fault , tho' they discover Errors in it , than in an easie Change to meet a certain Remedy . For their Diet , they eat much , and spend little : when they set out a Fleet to the Indies , it shall live three months on the Offals , which we hear fear would furfeit our Swine ; yet they feed on t , and are still the same Dutchmen . In there Houses , Roots and Stockfish are Staple Commodities . If they make a Feast , and add Flesh , they have Art to keep it hot more days than a Pigs-head in Pye-corner . Salt meats and sower Cream they hold him a Fool that loves not , only the last they correct with Sugar ; and are not half so well pleased with having it sweet at first , as with letting it sower , that they may sweeten it again ; as if a Woman were not half so pleasing being easily won , us after a Scolding sit she comes by a man to be calmed again . Fish indeed they have brave and plentiful ; and herein Practice hath made them Cooks , as good as e're Lucullus his latter Kitchen had , which is some P 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ce for their Wilfulness ; for you can neither pray nor ●●y them to 〈◊〉 their own Cookery . To a Feast they come readily , but being set once , you most have Patience . They are longer Eating Meat , than we are preparing it . If it be to Supper , you conclude timely when you get away by Day-break . They drink down the Evening Star , and drink up the morning Star. At those times it goes hard with a Stranger ; all in Courtisie will be drinking to him ; and all that do so he must pledge ; till he doth , the fill'd Cups circle round his Tre●cher , from whence they are not taken away till emptied . For tho' they give you a day for payment , yet they will not abate the Sum. They sit not there as we in England , Men together , and Women first ; but ever intermingled , with a Man between : and instead of Marchpanes , and such Juncates , 't is Good manners if any be there , to carry away a piece of Apple-pye in your Pocket . The time they spend there is in eating well , in drinking much and prating most . They sip , and laugh , and tell their Tales , and in a Tavern are more Prodigal of their Time than their Wine . They drink as if they were short winded , and as it were eat their drink by morsels , rather besieging their brains than asfausting them . In short , to come to a Conclusion , what they do is so far from being like other mens actions , that they are wholly the reverse of Humanity , as they are the backside of the whole World. And the men of Old did no more wonder , that the Great Massias was born in so poor a Town as Bethlem in Iudec , than I do wonder that so brave a Prince as King William should be born in such a Land of beasts , as Lowsie Holland . Of AMSTERDAM . As Amsterdam is the Metropolis of the seven Wicked Provinces , so it is the chief in respect of the many Vices which have taken Sanctuary in it . To call a man an Amsterdamer , is as much as to say , he is no Christian , and to tell the place of his Nativity , is enough to ingratiate himself with the most persecuting Dioclesian . The King of Iapan being a great Enemy to Christianity , would permit none that profess'd our Saviour's Doctrine , to Traffick with his Subjects without a previous Oath , that they would not exercise their Religion curing their continuance in his Dominions ; several Nations , amongst the rest , the English refus'd to comply with proposals so dishonourable to themselves and the Holy Religion they were instructed in : But the Dutch from this place being resolv'd to have something to Pamper their Bodies which though they damn'd their Souls for it , send instructions for their two Heathenish Deputies to sign whatever should be demanded of ' em . Accordingly the two Raskals , instead of owning themselves Christians , signd the Agreement by the m●●e of Hollanders , which has ever since been a current Name with those of Iapan for a downright fellow Subject , and Infidel . This stands upon Record , and they have Worm'd out all other Nations from that Country's Traffick by it . As to its Situation the Inhabitants call it the Land of Canaan , though instead of flowing with Milk and Honey it overflows , with nothing but Water . The Heavenly showers which add to the Fertilty of other soils , takes from the fruitfulness of this , and God Almighty has punished 'em with Water in this life , since they are to have another Element to torture 'em in the next . However , tho' it be not the Land of Canaan , it s certainly a Land of Promise , but if you look for Performances , or an Israelite in it without guile , you may chance to be never the near to your Journey 's end . As its Riches comes by its Shipping , so the Foundation of all its building , is laid upon huge Piles of Masts , and that which makes their floating houses move , is the only thing which renders those that are fix'd on Land without motion . And though if a good strong Tide ▪ would but bring their Masts by the board ( as they call it ) there would be no occasion for a Wind to drive 'em to Sea , I 'll warrant ' em . Every Private house here looks like an Ale-house and is painted with Green Red , and White , and they are so sensible of their Country Villanies , that every Window has its Iron Grates , like our Jayls , in order to keep the Felon its owner out of harms way . An eminent Surgeon who lives there , told me , That for the space of three years last past , notwithstanding the frequent Quarrels which happen'd among 'em : He had none under his hands but such as were wounded in the back ; and if a man was but so fortunate as to get a scotch in the forehead , &c. he was immediately made an Officer in the Militia . They are as dextrous in flying from a Foe , as they are in the pursuit of Riches , and they hate the French Religion , because the Te Deum is in it , which they have been so fortunate as to make use of against ' em . To go into one of their Churches , is to catch cold , for there are so few People in 'em that their breath can never warm you : But their Bawdy-houses are so crowded that half an hours staying there would save you the charge of a Bagnio . They love ' all pictures but that of the King of Spain , and if any one is desirous to end his days , the most Expeditious way to effect it , is to hang up his head at his Sign-Post . Their Stadt-house , which is the most famous piece of building in the whole Province , would be very fine were it not for the pitiful entrance into it , as indeed their buildings in general , were it not for the nasty Inhabitants . If you talk with one of their Preachers about Religion , he diverts you to Trade , and still thinks himself upon his first Topick , which is the only truth he is Guilty of , for though they differ in Name , they are the same in Substance . The King of England has a Consul here , who makes some small Figure , and fits in an eminent Pew in the English Church , where there is sorry Preaching , a dull and tedious Sermon , about an hour and three quarters long , and a few Auditors , all Presbyterians . The Chancel is let out for a Ioyner's Shop , because they hate any thing that has the appearance of Popery in it . The De Wits were born here , those noted Enemies of his present Majesty of Great Britain , and there are yet some of that Faction in this City , for which the English owe 'em no great Thanks , and the Remembrance of Amboyna , and those horrid cruelties perpetrated on us there , may make us more cautious in our dealings with 'em for the future . They have publick Stews or Brothel-houses erected at the charge of the publick , and to see a Magistrate come to receive the Taxes laid on that which distinguish the Female Sex , is as common as to see a Burgo-Master with a Rope of Onions in his hand , or a Judge shouldring a Bunch of Turnips . But I am so weary of this abominable Town , the Description of which must have tyr'd the Reader , as well as my self , that I shall have said , all when I have told him . Their Religion , I mean the chief of the many which are tolerated there , is rank Calvinis● , their Manners downright Brutishness , their Dealings perfect Knavery , their City a Den of Thieves , their Exchange their Church , and their Church a wide covert place to take the Air in , their buildings without Gates , their Hospitals without Wounded People , their crimes without Punishment , their Assurances without Honesty , and their Heads without Brains . And so much for Amsterdam , whose Sluces I wish opened , that the City might set fail , to some Country more remote than at present that cursed place is in . WHich Heaven permit , if pittying Heaven can hear What ills we suffer , and what wrongs we bear , To be caress'd , defrauded , and betray'd , Promis'd their Friendship , tho' refus'd their Aid , Disgrac'd abroad , and fawn'd upon at home , Is every Neighbouring Nations common doom . But thou , O Land of Europe's Realms the chief , The Guard of Empires , and the World's Relief , Whose hands have rais'd 'em , and whose Arms have Bless'd Their States to HIGH AND MIGHTY from DISTRESS'D . BRITANNIA , Thou ! ah ! Thou canst chiefly show Their guilt unmeasur'd as is now thy woe : And in thy Sons from thy embraces torn Behold their Friendship , and beholding mourn , Whilst in Amboyna's cruelties are shown , Crimes now their practice , as not then unknown . Instructions from thy former harms receive , How far to trust 'em , and how far believe , Interest will shorten what they promise long , When ne'er to trust is ne'er to suffer wrong . And if the wishes of thy Son may joyn With those which either are , or should be Thine , May'st Thou once more Thy Antient rights regain , Empress at Land , and Mistress of the Main : No Fleets but Thine amidst the Ocean ride , Thy Neighbour's Terror , and thy Countries Pride ; Whilst injur'd Kings petition for thy Aid , And Thou thy own support , ar't that of Others Made . FINIS . 
A63248	----	A trip to Ireland being a description of the country, people and manner : as also some select observations on Dublin. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1699 Approx. 55 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 10 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A63248 Wing T2285 ESTC R22635 12364466 ocm 12364466 60362 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A63248) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 60362) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 900:26) A trip to Ireland being a description of the country, people and manner : as also some select observations on Dublin. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. [4], 12 p. s.n., [London? : 1699] Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Voyages and travels. Ireland -- Description and travel. Ireland -- Description and travel -- Early works to 1800. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-04 John Latta Sampled and proofread 2003-04 John Latta Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion A Trip to Ireland , BEING A DESCRIPTION OF THE Country , People and Manners : As also some Select OBSERVATIONS ON DUBLIN . Printed in the Year , 1699. The Preface . SINCE Observations of the same Nature with those which follow , have prevail'd of late for a general Approbation ; and it has been more acceptable to the Reader to make Enquiries into the Imperfections of the People which have given Being to the Papers under his Perusal , than to search after their Excellencies and survey their Beauties ; I could not but think it adviseable to gratify his Palate , and consult my own Interest , in presenting him with the following Remarks . And as two other Authors ( viz. those of the Trips to Jamaica and Holland ) have giv'n him the sight of Monsters of a Foreign Growth , and one of 'em under no dependance on the English Government ; so I have now remov'd the Scene , and brought my Farce to be acted in a Country which Dr. Molineux , a late Writer , would insinuate to be independent on the British Nation , tho' reduc'd by Force of Arms to acknowledge her Conquest . If Teigue can but please as well as Myn-Heer , the Bookseller has gain'd his Aim , the Author his , and the Reader more than He could expect , since in drawing the Picture of a Dutch Man he might have thought Nature had been exhausted of all her Deformities . But Michael Angelo's Cardinal in his representation of the Day of Iudgment is a Beauty to an Irish Man , who tho' he does not look with the same Horror for his Crimes as his Diabolical Eminence , yet takes Pains to merit the same Punishment ; and it s enough to send one in Search of the Parish-Register to know the Truth of his Nativity , if one of the meaner sort of this People happens to be suspected of Honesty . As for the Nobility , who are generally sprung from English Parentage , here are those who are renown'd for their Valour , admir'd for their Iustice , and esteem'd for their Wisdom ; and we have seen those Things perform'd by the present Duke of Ormond , and the Earl of Arran his Grace's Noble Brother , which have been the admiration of this Age , as they will command the Wonder of the Times which succeed . But Panegyrick is not my Business ; and I who am to give such a Description of Ireland , as should make my Reader laugh at its Inhabitants , should not dwell on two such Instances in its Commendation , unless I would be laught at my self . To go on therefore with my Subject , and persuade the Buyer as much as I can that he has a very good Bargain , and enough in Conscience for his Mony ; here are the Vices of all Nations practis'd by those People , who have not Wit enough to know but what they are solely of their own Growth , and who if they should chance to be told by some one among 'em that can read , that other Nations are guilty of the same Sins , would bite their Nails off but they would find out some less common Road to Damnation . In short , that I may'nt make the Porch too big for the House , and that the Reader may not expect more Matter than I can afford him ; in order to proportion the Treatise to the Preface , I shall have said as much as I design , if I tell him , That the People of the Kingdom I give him the Description of , have the Cruelty of a Spanish Inquisitor , the Letchery of an Italian , the Levity of a French Man , the Cowardice of a Savoyard , the Perfidiousness of a Scotch Man , the Ignorance of a Muscovite , the rebellious Temper of a Dutch Man , and the Pride of — themselves ; and if all this Bundle of Vice won't content him , let him show me so many Virtues in practice among 'em , and he shan't ask me twice to be satisfied . A Trip to Ireland . BEfore I enter into the Character of the People , it will not be improper to acquaint my Reader with the Motives which induc'd me to make Observations upon 'em , since I who am about to give him an account of others , may perhaps b● expected to give some account of my self . Let it therefore sufficee if I tell him , the same Curiosity which leads him to the perusal of these Remarks , prevaild upon me to make 'em ; And as I am not arrived to the years of those Men , who think no Country deserving of their Notice , but that in which they were born , so my Inclinations are wholly different from theirs . In short , I was forc'd to make a loose from Old England , and since I had no green Turf of my own to tread upon , in it , I was resolv'd to set Sail for a place , whither few , but those in the same condition with my self , would direct their Course . And as it was not impossible but I might recover the esteem of my Friends , which I had unhappily lost ; so I was resolv'd against my coming again into favour , to furnish my self with some Story or other to entertain their Maids with , like other young Travellers , in order to continue in their esteem . For it 's as common now , for an insinuating Servant to alienate a Mothers affection from her Son , or a Sisters from her Brother , as it is for 'em to lie with their Masters , or wear their Mistresses old Cloaths . Pursuant to to these Inclinations , I pick't up what Money I could , and went Aboard the Owners-Love , a Ship in the River which was bound for Ireland ; The Commander had laid in Vsquebaugh and Wine enough , and so I held my self contented : and what added to my satisfaction , was , that I did not want for Company to divert my self with , during my Voyage . Three of the Directors of the Old East-India-Company had just brought in their Goods before I came aboard , and several who had considerable Posts in the Office of Land-Credit were making the best of their way off with 'em ; we had also a Bawd , who had been forc'd to quit her Venerable Station , on account of the Act against Prophanness and Immorality ; and a Poet who had lost all hopes of a good third Day in England , since Mr. Collier's Short View of the English Stage had made its appearance in publick . For my part , I thought the Man of Metre much in the right , and since Hot-Beds are generally made out of Dunghills , the only way to ripen and secure the growth of his Muse , was to transplant her to an Isle where there is nothing else . In short , whilest the three Directors were railing against Heathcot and Shepherd , and the No-Landed Land-Credit-Men were cursing Dr. Chamberlain ; The Poet being wholy taken up in biting his Nails , and making wry Faces , as taking leave ( as I suppose ) of his Mistress in some dolefull Sonnet , or meditating on some Invective against Collier who had made him step aside ; I could not but take incitement from his odd sort of Gestures , to attempt something in Verse too ; and since I had learn'd something by playing at Crambo formerly with my Mothers Maids , and could Write and Read ( the chief Excellencies of Poets now a days ) I e'en went above-deck , and took my leave of that Famous City , which fled from our sight , as we fled from it , by Penning down the following Lines . I. FArewell , Thou Seat of Empire and of Fame , Great in thy Power , and awfull in thy Name Whose Turrets tho' to Heav'n they rise And strike with pain the Searchers eyes , Are now , just now , removing from my sight , My present grief , but past delight , Whom I , forsaken by my Friends must leave , And leaving must for ever grieve , Torn from the Embraces of a Parents love , When I a Parents kindness could improve . Condemn'd to be an Exile and Forlorn My Friends contempt , and my Relations scorn , As I from all my hopes , and Thee remove . II. But tho' I am lost to Fortune , and am made The sport of Chance , and slighted and betray'd ; Tho' I my Country , and my Parent shun , Yet I am still a Subject and a Son. And still I 'll pay , and still I 'll show The duties which I owe , Still shall my Country and my Parent share , A Sons and Subjects Prayer , And in what place soever Fate shall please To end my sufferings , and my grief ; Whither on Land I perish , or the Seas Give me the wish'd for death , and sure releif . III. Hear me Oh Heaven ! and Record the Vow Which I am offering now , May I ne're tast thy Blessings , or receive Abatement of those Ills for which I grieve If my last words ( do thou but grant me speech To ask thy Mercy , and thy Throne beseech ) Mention not them , and for their welfare pour A Flood of tears , grant Heaven a grateful shower ; Since She who gave me breath , should have my Prayers , And She where I was born partake of all my Tears . IV. And ye Augusta's walls which now contain My only joy , and yet my only pain , Preserve her safe whose abscence now I mourn , And from whose sight I down the stream am born , Let Angels guard her , tho' she now can bear A Son's departure and without a tear , And if she once shall please to spend a Thought On what I was , and what I only sought : V. Then shall I joy for being thus distress'd , And bless those Foes who would not have me bless'd : But 't is too late , the Winds and Waves are joyn'd To waft me from her Sight and from her Mind ; Tho' She , and only She shall have a part In mine , whose Image only fills my Heart . And all I 'll ask for , or implore From Fortune's Bounty and her Store , Is , that She may continue to receive Those Blessings which for lost I grieve ; And I 'll no other wish , but this prefer , Losing my Sorrows in my Ioys for Her. These were the hasty Thoughts I committed to Paper ; and I who retir'd to my Muse to divert my self , found that instead of removing from the Ideas of those Troubles I would have avoided , I had by making Application to Her , a more lively Representation of ' em . Wherefore I return'd again to my Company , whom I found sitting in for a hearty Cup , the only Preservative against Melancholly . You may judge I wanted not many Persuasions to make one among 'em , and to endeavour the dislodgment of a Guest , which had taken up free Quarters , and liv'd at descretion , as the Temper I was then in had . Accordingly I pledg'd the Bawd , who I must tell you , took something of a liking to me , and did me the honour to drink to me so heartily , and I over my left Thumb , Et sic deinceps ; that the East-India Bankrupts had quite forgot that another Company had got the Royal Establishment , the Land-Credit Men were in such a Temper , as if the Iron Chests they have laid in at their Office in Queen-street , were full of those Millions the Undertaker propos'd to have in 'em ; and the Virginity Broker , and the Haberdasher of Hexameters were as merry , as if each of 'em had Acts of Parliament for their respective Employs : And I , for my part , with my illuminated Phiz , and my Eyes ready to drop out of my Head , had such entertaining Conceptions , that I could not but imagine my Fortunes bore a Proportion to my Countenance , and had never been under any such thing as an Eclypse . In short , not to be tedious , we did not spare the Bottle during our Voyage , and had such a smooth Passage over St. George his Channel , as if Neptune had known us all to be Bankrupts , and consequently not worth the drowning ; since we had nothing to feed his Luxury with but our Flesh , and that was meat hardly good enough for the Fish. But since the Reader may be in haste to know something of the Country we were bound for , I shall close the Journal at Sea , by telling him we got safe to Dublin ; where , as it was our Business to conceal our selves , we took leave of one another , and went to our respective Quarters . A plague on the place ; a Garret in Grub-street is one story high to it , and I was forc'd to rest three or four times before I could reach my Bed , which was nothing but a Quilt over some Rushes ; and this the Son of a Whore my Landlord would have Eighteen-pence per Week for . I was forced to submit for a time , till I had provided all things for Travelling ; and so I visited the several Counties of which the Reader may take the following Account . IRELAND ( at present the Land of Ire , or Heavens Wrath ) hath little in it , now , of God's Blessing , and never had very much of the warm Sun. It seems in the Opinion of some , to be part of the refuse of the Earth at the Creation , and that when the rest of Europe was compleated and polished , some of the scrapings and rubbish was cast out at this back-door , which being half dried by the squinting Beams of Sol , was in some measure dough-baked , into an Island , of what worth and quality shall be hereafter described . If Europe be compared to a piece of fine Cloath , this must needs be some of the List , or Fagg-end : If to a stately Palace , this is the Postern : If to a humane Figure , where ever we place the Head , this will surely hold more proportion and similitude with the Tail , as will appear upon farther Consideration . Some formerly have thought fit to call it the Watering-Pot of the Planets ; and the French have named it , Le Pot● de Chambre du Diable , i. e. the Devil's Piss-pot , seldom dry , but often running over , the Rains falling down so frequently , as if the Heavens were a wounded Eye , perpetually weeping over it it , or the Clouds dropping Spunges , So fast it Rains , and so profusely pours Heav'ns Liquid-Wrath in Elemental Show'rs , That ev'n an Irish Doctor must disown The Clouds Distemper there to be the Stone ; But rather with the common Emp'ricks hold , Since they so drop at Nose , it is a Cold. And then for the often Gusts of Wind , it may well be reck'ned , as Nature's Bellows ; but for this , they may perhaps have reason to thank the Bantamites , who sowing so much Pepper yearly in the East-Indies in the Bowels of our Grandmother Earth , it must needs cause her to break Wind backwards in these Western Parts , where she eases her self of the Collick : What Advantage they reap by it I know not , but the old Proverb says , It 's an ill Wind blows no one any Good. Says one , It is a Frippery for Bankrupts , or the Grand Hospital for such as are troubled with a Consumption in their Estate and Credit . But whatever it were formerly , there is small hopes now that Strangers should be there cured of such desperate Diseases , since the whole Country may well pass for a Map of general Misery and Poverty , the Natives and Inhabitants being most of them the lively Portraitures of the Prodigal Lad in his most Swinish Condition ; so that it were no less difficult now to get into an Estate there ( unless by the Conquering Sword ) then to get out of their deepest Bogs , when one is sinking , and can neither help ones self out , nor persuade Teague to assist , unless St. Patrick does prompt him in a most special manner . Yet is the Soil in many Parts fat , and liking , ( as Dunghils are ) and were it well husbanded , would yield a plentiful Encrease ; but what through Laziness , and want of Industry , ( I speak of the meer Irish , to whom the whole Character relates ) and their innate Pride , and Self-conceitedness , which make them disdain to be taught by Foreigners , they do so little Improve their Lands , that unless it be themselves , nothing to an ingenious Eye can be a sadder Spectacle . Inclosures are very rare amongst them , and those no better fenced than an old Midwife's toothless Gums , or those Parts of Northamptonshire , where the Hedges were grubbed up by the Rebellious rout of the Commoners . Much of their Land is reserved for Grazing and Pasturage ; and there , indeed , the Grass being very sweet , and holding a constant verdure , it is in many Places so indented with Purling Brooks and Streams , that their Meadows look like a new green Carpet border'd or fring'd with the purest Silver : Yet Hay is a Rarity amongst them , and would cost them more Pains than they can well afford , towards the making of it ; therefore they seldom or never trouble their Heads or Hands about it . And then for their Arable Ground , it lies most commonly as much neglected and unmanured as the sandy Desarts of Arabia , or a ranting Young Gallant 's Old Bed-rid Spouse . And , not to particularize every Circumstance , their National Custom of Ploughing , by tying their wooden Harness to the Horse's-Tail , and that other senseless Improvidence of burning their Oates to save the Labour of Thrashing , are two such very remarkable Proofs of their Husbandry , that it would be needless to describe it further : So that whatever the Country be , they are a wild Herd of brute Animals inhabiting , but not improving it . This Sloath and Carelessness is judged to be one Reason why all sorts of Grain-Fruits are of a less and more degenerate growth , than in other well Cultivated and Improved Countries ( which is also noted in most of their Vegetables and Animals , Women and Grey-hounds only excepted ) the Corn seldom shoots up to that aspiring height upon its Spindle , as may be seen elsewhere , nor does it attain so full and weighty an Ear as to make it bend down to kiss its Mothers Bosom ; but grows so dwarfish , thin , and full of Weeds , that it resembles the Field in the Parable , which the Evil One sowed with Tares . Their Dwellings or Cabans , I should more exactly describe if I durst have adventured oftner into them ; or could have staid long enough to have Survey'd them at my being there ; which I did once Essay , but found it as hazardous almost , as Orpheus his descent into Hell , where there might be indeed a greater Fire , but not more Smoak , which thick Cloud in the midst of the Room did so blind me , and conceal the House , that I could scarce remember any thing , but my sore Eyes , when I came out again : Should they be as much troubled with that other noisom Disease of Scolding Wives , as they are with Smoaky Houses , they might well upon each Door write , Lord have Mercy upon us , for certainly there cannot be a greater Pla●ge . As for the outward Structure , an English Cow house hath more Architecture far ; nay , my Lord Mayor's Dog-kennel is a Palace compared to them : and for sweetness , I have heard many affirm , that the soulest Corner about the Bear-garden is Musk and Amber to their sweetest Rooms . The Walls are made of meer Mud , mixed with a little wet Straw , the Covering is Thatch ; the Floor Earth ; which , by reason of the constant Rains , is generally so damp , that they may be said to live over a Bog ; and the Thatch so ill thrashed , that ( by the sprouting of the left Corn , which often springs up green ) it may be added , they live under a Meadow ; or ( as a Person of Honour said of the like place , to which he most aptly compared the Long , long Parliament ) they have green Ears over their Heads , and a false Ground under their Feet . The Beds are upon such a firm Foundation , that nothing but an Earthquake can move them ; Instead of Feathers or Flocks , they use Rushes or Straw , which serves them without changing , till cast Horse-litter is a fragrant Nosegay to it , and Iacob's sweet Lodging on the fresh Grass , compared to it , is like the Pleasure of the Marriage-Bed . Sheets they never provide , and to tell the naked Truth , unless they can purchase a poor Cadow , which is not often , they ligg together like Adam and Eve before the Fall , not a Rag to cover them , but themselves : Which may be one reason why they so multiply ; for being necessitated to keep together for warmth , they ingender as thick as Fly-blows , each little Hutt being as full of Children , as a Conney-Burrough in a well stock'd Warren is of Rabbits . They seldom have any Partitions or several Rooms , but sleep in common with their Swine and Poultrey : and for second or third Story you may look long enough e're you find any . Windows would discover their Poverty and Sluttery too much , and a Chimney is reckoned as superfluous as a Steeple at a new sangled Conventicle : The Door which perhaps is as irregular and multiform as a new made breach in a Wall , serving both to let in the Light , and let out the Smoak ; so that you may guess their Abodes are pleasant and airy as a Dungeon , and unless they be compared to one another , each of them may very properly be called None-such . Their Women generally are very little beholding to Nature for their Beauty , and less to Art : one may safely Swear they use no Painting , or such like auxiliary aids of Fucuses , being so averse to that kind of Curiosity , ( tho' they have as much need thereof as any I ever yet beheld ) that one would think they never had their faces wash'd but at their Baptism . To whom the perpetual Smoak within Doors , and want of a Bon-grace without , does add such a tincture of Complexion , that a Ploughman's Sun-burnt hand , or a Seaman's weather-beaten face , is Snow and Cream to it : So that one need not fear much temptation , they being , indeed , meer Scare-Crows , and their Phisiognomies such a defence , such a spell for their Plackets , such a refrigeratory ' against the flames of Lust , that in the Day-light they are secure from any violent attempt upon their Chastity , though in the Night they may pass Muster , and the push of Pike , when Ioan is as good as my Lady . Their Bodies are of a tolerable proportion , and to be born withal , but then are they mounted on such mishapen Trussels or Supporters , that whenever any Man desires to try the Pleasure of their Embraces , he will be sure ( as a witty Gentleman observed ) to lay their Legs aside . Their Breasts are excepted against by some , for being of the same size with their Buttocks : and their Hands are so tann'd leather'd , that Gloves were but thrown away upon them . Amorous they are as Doves , but not altogether so chast as Turtles , desiring as much to be billing , and very frequently bringing forth Twins , as the others hatch young ones by Pairs . There needs no great Ceremony or Courtship , for if they yield not at first Summons upon Composition , a slight attack wins the Fortress , and one may soon enter . These old Texts being Orthodox amongst them , Touch and take , Laugh and lye down , Vp and ride , and so to the end of the Chapter . On a design of Marriage they are not scrupulous or cautious , and so far from selling a Pig in a Poke , that it is not unusual for the Man to mount the Beast , before he binds the Bargain ; so that 't is no strange thing amongst them , to make a Maid a Whore first , and then to make that Whore his Wife afterwards ; like a Sloven that first makes a Close-stool of his own Hat , and then claps it upon his own Head. Thus rather than want Horns , they will have some of their own graffing , antidating themselves Cuckolds ; and having taught their Wives this Lesson so early , who can wonder if they practise it afterwards ; a new Cask still retains a touch of its first Seasoning , and when once such young Colts find the Gap of Liberty set open , they will frisk out of the Bounds of all Modesty , and never leave running till they have brought their Husbands to Cuckolds-Point . The Men are notorious Thieves , and very Skilful at Leger de main , for which Trade , both Nature and Fortune seem to have fitted them ; For as they are miserably Poor , so they are more Impudent than a Court-Page , or an Italian Curtezan , and have made it a common Practice to enter into any House without the Civility of craving leave , or knocking at the Door ; and being once in , they have no creaking Shoes to betray them , but either they wear Broags , a kind of thin Pumps , or else make so bold with Nature as to use their bare feet : If they spy any portable Prize , their Hands are like Lime-twigs , and the Prey shall hardly escape them ; nor are they ever unprovided of a Cloak or Mantle ( large as a Iesuite's Conscience ) to spread over their Knavery ; And lastly , for Agility and swiftness of retreat , they may compare with Mercury himself , being ever in a running Posture , and always setting the best foot foremost . Surely , of all People they are the least troubled with Corns upon their Toes , they walk so soundly ; but amongst a thousand of their Hands , I do not think one Finger could be pickt out that were not tainted with an Itch after unlawful Gain , or infected with a Felony , for so much sweetness do they fancy in the relish of Stolen-Goods , that they have little gusto for any other . It is an usual Saying , That a good Face needs no Band , and a bad one deserves none ; which may be a reason why these are so ill accoutred and negligent in their Apparel ; tho' if the extreme Poverty of the generality be consider'd ( which yet proceeds from their own sloath , their Condition being much like Iob's upon the Dunghil ) we shall find more cause to pity , than wonder at them . Once a Year , perhaps , their Stock may swell to the purchase of a frieze Garment of a brace of Two-pences the bundle ; higher it can hardly reach , whatever their Ambition prompt them to : a coarse out-side , indeed , yet most think it suteable enough to the lining within , for a Loam Wall deserves but a mean Hanging . The Females have a Head Attire , which they call Kerchers : among the better Sort it is made of Linnen , but seldom so white as a Dutch-man's Sail : whilst the common Trull's cannot possibly be any thing , but an old Rag turned out of other Service , or the flappet of a Month-worn Smock reprieved from the Wash-bowl ; and yet , as one said of the like Sluttery , the poor remnant looks as briskly as if it were promised for the next whole quarter to escape many a scowring . Flesh-bags they may , some of them , have for the Day , but at Night they ever uncase themselves and ligg in the woollen , if their Wits can gather enough to cover them , otherwise they nustle together in Litter with the Sow and Pigs , being all of a Family : But their Smocks cannot properly be called Changes , for they seldom allow themselves more than one , till that be worn out , which is used till it be fit to be torn off their Backs for touch to light Tobacco as they sit in the Fields , as I have seen them do . Thus the Smock is at last turned into Smoak , having first struck fire in the Devil's Tinder-box the Tobacco Pipe , which one wittily compares to the Passion of Love , thus : So fares it with an Amorous Desire ; The more 't is kiss'd , the more 't is set on fire . Their Petticoats , if any , are of as many several Colours as a Tailor's fundamental Cushion ; to which the Wastcoat is the fittest match that can be , and cross their Shoulders a Linnen shroud of the same hue of a Winding sheet after some Years burial . Shoes are above their Price , neither are Broags a Purchase for every one ; No , they stand more upon their Feet than so , and for Stockings they have a very cheap and durable Mode , one Pair lasting their whole Pilgrimage , and those no other than Nature's knitting , which sit close , and so tight , it saves the labour of Gart'ring ; having no great fault , but their too much Calf . Complements are as seldom used among them , as the Common Prayers among the Non-Cons ; you might as soon teach an Elephant to cut a Caper , as bring one of them to make a handsome Leg : Such Block-heads have they , that 't is a trouble to them to pull off their Hats ; which done , shall be seconded with a Speech containing less sense and reason than that of Balaam's Ass ; and to be sure must either be usher'd in , or out , with a By Chreesht and St. Patrick , or an Elegant-Curse , or two : But for this Nonsense perhaps their Nurses are to be condemn'd , who ( especially in Vlster ) when they suckle their young Babes , if they chance to have a Cold in their Heads , seldom or never wipe their Noses , but suck them with their Mouths so hard , that , as one observed , 't is very probable that they suck out all their Brains , and leave them for ever after empty Skull'd . I wonder , said one , to an Irishman , that being Thirty Years of Age , and having travel'd through the best Part of the World , you should be so great a Fool still . That 's no wonder , replies another ; but the greater wonder is , that there should be a whole Kingdom of such Fools . Shirts are no less out of date among the Teagues than Surplices among the Dissenters ; so that one may guess what poor shift they make to keep their Bodies sweet : and may not this be one reason why they so much dread to hear one break wind at the Postern ? The intolerable fustiness that must needs lye lurking in their unlined Breeches , adding a stench beyond the Devil's Pomander : Otherwise they do not appear so over-nice and curious , nor would they contradict the Proverb , That Every Man's Tayl smells sweet in his own Nose : Neither would they let fly so often above-board , for they will belch as loud as Pot-guns , and as often as a Lover in absence breathes his amorous Sighs : But add to the rest the straitness of their Breeches , called Trowsers , which sit as close as a Jealous Wife to her Husband's Tayl , and you need not wonder at their backward Modesty . Some count them naturally hospitable , but if they are so , it is after such an ill-favour'd manner , that 't is like the giving an Alms in a nasty Clout , which Necessity may make welcome , but the greatest Charity cannot account Decent . Bonny-Clabber and Mulahaan , alias Sower Milk , and Choak-Cheese , with a Dish of Potatoes boiled , is their general Entertainment , to which add an Oat cake , and it compleats their Bill of Fare , unless they intend to shew their excessive Prodigality , and tempt your Appetite with a Dozen of Eggs extraordinary , which many times , instead of being new-laid , prove like over-ridden Wenches , either rotten , or else having a young Chick in the belly of ' em . After this , comes Tobacco ; which you must either take in Smoak , or Snuff , if you will be good Company , while they sit Chewing it with as much eagerness and desire , as the longing great-bellied Woman did bite at the fat Man's Breech . And for a close to all this Treat ( a la Grandezza ) the Mistress shall produce her Moornaun of Sower Milk , and having stript up her sleeve to the Shoulder , she thrusts up to the Arm-pits , and stirring the Curds at the bottom with her Hands , she then presents you with the Liquor , and if you like it , you may fill your Belly with her Kindness till you are satisfied . I have heard it affirmed also , by knowing Persons in this Country , that in some Parts of it , they have a way of making a Soupe , beyond all the French Pottages in Vogue ; the way is thus , A Dame of the better sort , having had the good Fortune to boil a piece of very fat Pork , till a great part of it is run into an Oil swimming on the top , she strips of her Smock , dips it therein till it has soaked up all the Grease ; then puts it on her Body , and so wears it some days to smoothen her Skin , and supple her Ioints ; now if afterwards there be occasion , and no store of other Provision about the Cabban , off comes this anointed Garment again , which being boiled in clear Water , and a little Oatmeal , and a small Faggot of Herbs ; the melted Fat , and those other Ingredients will be converted into a most savoury Mess of Irish-Smock broath , and then 't is done in a Dish . But let me not forget their Butter , made up with so much Filth and Hair , it looks like the Lime we prepare to Plaister our Walls withal , which being beaten up into as rude a shape as a Spanish Piece of Eight , if eaten without Sindging , or not melted and strained , you shall run as great hazard , as one that would swallow the Burr of an over-grown Artichoke without Butter , or a pickled Rope without Sauce : Hence one may easily guess the difference betwixt this and the Dutch Butter-box , the one cutting like Spanish Marmalad , the other like untried Kitchin-stuff , and having as rank an odour as a Carriers Summer trotters . If they had the Wit to put the Hair in one Dish , and the Butter in another apart , it might be in a Man's Choice to take or leave as he pleased ; but they are so order'd , you must eat both at once . And that their Bread may be suitable to their Butter , and so stick the closer together , the Women grind their Corn on a Stone placed betwixt their naked Thighs upon the Ground ( in the very same posture as they Churn their Cream ) . Their Mills having this Advantage over others , that they are equally supplied both with Wind and Water at the same instant . Drinking is not so much their Vice , as some of their Neighbouring Nations , unless their so excessive Smoaking be reckoned in , to which both the Men and Women are so generally addicted ; yea , the very Children too , that an Infant of their breeding , shall take more delight in handling a Tobacco-Pipe than a Rattle , and will sooner learn to make use of it , than another shall of its Sucking-bottle . Surely , this Indian Weed is a very Witch , and they have this resemblance , that both of them are very nasty and ugly . It is an Irish Observation ( and a notable one too ) that whenever two Armies meet in Battle , the one must run , for both cannot conquer , and since one must give way , why not at the beginning before much Bloodshed , rather than after too many lives are lost ; and since one of them must , or generally does run , who fitter to run than they whom Nature has provided with better Legs to run , than Hands or Hearts to sight ; therefore they do commonly run , and run betimes , lest some Wound in their Legs should hinder their nimble Retreat : This made an old experienc'd Officer ( who knew the way of the Reasoning of these Brutes ) cause some Regiments of Dragoons to march on foot up towards their more numerous Army , with Boots on , whom when the Irish beheld , they straight-way concluded that those English Men being booted , would not , or could not run ; and since one Party must go off at last , it must needs be themselves , and therefore they discreetly ran all away immediately . A Stiff-necked Generation they cannot be called , they lay them down so readily to every Yoke , as if they were born to Servitude , and so we find them inclined to have been indifferently under their own Country-men , or under their old Friends the Spaniards in former Times , and their new Friends the French lately , if the English had not prevented it . Therefore are they the less to be pitied , because by them there is no greater Liberty expected , or much desired and struggled for by them . Their Language seems to be very ancient indeed , being almost worn quite out of Date , scarce known in any other Country , and not generally used in their own : To a Foreigner it sounds so unpleasant , that it rather grates than tickles the Ear , and seems fitter to conjure than converse in . Withal , they use such a whining tone , and speak so precipitately , that considering their Garb and Posture , you would think they had been newly stript of their little All ; and were now hastily and earnestly craving your Relief and Charity , for a fresh Supply . Nor are they more Grave or Demure in their Pace ; but frisk it about the Streets so Post-horse like , as if a Bailiff pursued them , or some fiercer Devil drove them . Yet at their Work they are on the other hand , so slow and deliberate ( Digging , Ploughing , Thrashing , &c. with their Cloaks upon their Backs , and wasting so much of their time in Smoaking and Prating ) that it is usual to hire Four of these Lubbers to dispatch the same daily Proportion of Work , as is performed by one Industrious English-hind ; which would be very chargeable , did they not humbly submit to accept of much lesser Wages , which they take good care not to over-earn , lest they should surfeit themselves , or wear out their precious Limbs too soon ; and either want more Business , or the Strength to go thorow with it next day . Some Historians do speak them to be very tender and careful of their Young ones ; but wherein that tenderness consists , is not readily to be found out . For their Food is not in the least degree better than they allow their Pigs , Bonny-rowre for the Summer , and Potato-roots in the Winter are their choicest Dainties : And then for their Cloathing , it is yet courser ; of a whole Child the third part is scarce cover'd with Woollen ; nor so much Linnen to be seen among a whole Tribe , as would make a Quaker's falling-band , or furnish an ordinary Box with Tinder , they being for the most part as naked as a young Ladies Neck in Dog-days , or the Bird in the Fable , stript of its borrowed Plumes ; so that unless their Apish hugging them in their Arms , or carrying them on their Backs can make it out , I cannot . But however careless they be of the Living , they are mightily concerned for the Dead , having a Custom , ( which sure they borrowed from the Egyptians ) of howling when they carry any one to Burial , and screaming over the Graves , not like other Christians , but like People without Hope ; and sooner than this shall be omitted , they do hire a whole Herd of these Crocadiles to accompany the Corps , who with their counterfeit Tears and Sighs , and confused Clamour and Noise , do seem heartily to bemoan the departed Friend , though all this is with no more concern and reality , than an Actor on the Stage for the frighted Death of his Dearest in a Tragedy . One Privilege , indeed , they have to boast of above most other Countries ; which is , that they are free from Venomous Creatures ( as England is from Ravenous ) which we may believe to be a Natural Antipathy , like that of the Islands Cyprus and Guernzey ; Tho' they will needs attribute it to their Miracle-monger St. Patrick , who ( as their Tradition goes ) did one day summon them all together on the tod of an high and large Hill , called Cruich Phadrick , or St. Patrick's Mount ; where having by irrisistible Conjuration assembled them , he , by his powerful Invocation called for Fire from Heaven , which came down , and consumed them : To which part of the Legend , some have added , That the great Croud of Irish Witnesses whom the good Saint had brought with him to see this Fear , and bear Testimony of it , finding he had so good interest and familiarity with God Almighty to obtain what he but asked for , desired him forthwith to make a second Petition , That Heaven would send down a plentiful Shower of Gold and Silver to Cure them of their Poverty , and make them as Opulent as the richest Nations : But he angerly replied , That God would work no Miracles to gratifie their Coveteousness ; That he had already given them a large Country , which they were to Cultivate and Improve , and that their honest Labour would bring them in a sufficient Stock of Wealth , &c. and therefore if they were not enough satisfied with this great Blessing so freely conferred , but continued to murmur , and tempt God too far , perhaps he might for their Unthankfulness and sordid Desires , turn it into a Curse again , to their perpetual Punishment . But they still importuning him , he at last made a second Essay , not Petitioning for Gold or Silver , but that God would send down what he knew to be fittest for that Generation . Which Word he no sooner had pronounced , but there arose a great and furious Whirlwind , which blew and dispersed the Ashes of those Poisonous Creatures over all the whole Country ; and the same being forthwith converted all into Lice , they have for ever since continued a most Nasty and Lowzy Generation , and could never find a Cure , or remove this Epidemical , Egyptian Bosom-plague , so close it yet sticks to them . A most excellent Country it is for a young Traveller to be first seasoned in , for let him but once taste of their Entertainment and Usage , and I dare undertake he shall love all the rest of the World much better ever after ( except Scotland . ) A certain Portion of the County of Galloway is very well worth Observation ; for in a Considerable extent thereof , Nature affords 'em neither Water enough to Drown 'em , Wood enough to Hang 'em , nor Earth enough to Bury 'em ; yet 't is very well Inhabited : Now what sort of Creatures , unless a Race of Spanish Gennets , that are said to engender by the Wind , or a brood of Cameleons that seed upon Air , can subsist where three of the most necessary Elements are so scarce , I leave Oedipus to judge . It is reported of the Germans , and some other War-like People , that when they come within sight and hearing of the Enemy , being drawn up in Battalia , and almost ready to Engage , they draw out their broad Sword , and each with a Whet-stone , they carry for that purpose , falls to work to set a keen Edge on his Weapon , with so much eagerness and noise , that it begets no little terrour in the listening Foe , and Proclaims with what undaunted Resolution they prepare to Assault them . Whereas the Teagues do only gaze about to see what Wood or Bog lies nearest , and can best shelter or favour them in their Retreat , or , perhaps by greazing their Broags , or anointing their Joints , make ready for a more speedy Flight ; then throwing down their Arms , and trusting solely to their Legs , dare not so much as once look back , but leave the Devil to take the hindmost . Ask many of them , What was the Name of the blessed Virgin Mary , and 't is ten to one , but they 'll answer , it was Iane , or Susan , and that St. Patrick was her Godfather ; and to any the like Questions , they will furnish you with the like Answer , &c. So that if Ignorance be the true Mother of Devotion , the City of Rome it self cannot produce such devout Catholicks as these Teagues ; and therefore it 's pitty but they should be transplanted into the Territories of the Holy Church , as being the most submissive Members thereof . But here is enough of the midling sort of People ; I shall therefore proceed to give him the Prospect of a Place in which he has all the Reason in the World to expect a more agreeable Sight , tho' perhaps he may find the resemblance of what he has already seen in it . Of DVBLIN . WE have hitherto treated of the middle sort of People , and those who are to be found in the several Country Towns and Villages ; but we are now come to a City , which is the cheif of the several Provinces , and the Capital in respect of the several Courts of Judicature which are held here , and where the supream Court of the whole Kingdom , ( viz. ) the high Court of Parliament is now assembled ; but which notwithstanding the great Concourse of Nobility who now keep their Residence here , bears a proportion in its Inhabitants , to the People whose Manners in the foregoing Papers , we have submitted to the censure of the publick . Dublin is a City situated on an arm of the Sea , and might be made very strong , did those who are in the supream Power there think it advisable to make it so ; it gives name to an Arch-Bishoprick , and is the place where the Deputies , or Lords-justices of Ireland hold their Court : At present their Excellencies the Lord Marquiss of Winchester , and the Earl of Gallaway have that Character , and if the Inhabitants of this City had any disposition to Industry or Vertue , they might find such Encouragement from these Two noble Lords , as might sufficiently endear it to their Practice . But they are People not to be persuaded by Example or Precept , and if any of 'em are so lucky as to tread in the Paths of Goodness , you may conclude it wholy owing to themselves , for they are all too proud to follow one anothers directions . By this one might imagine they were excellent at Inventions , and might be very serviceable to the Publick by ingenious Acquirments ; but that Man is mistaken if he expects any such matter from 'em , and for several Years we have had but Two or Three Experiments from their whole Royal Society , and those so far from being New , that they had not been Printed but as a Compliment to Dr. Molineux ; who perhaps without some such notice taken of him , would have made no more Observations than the rest of his Brethren . But tho' they are not over successful in the search after Knowledg for the publick Good , there is no Body like 'em in things which is against it , and they have Twenty ways at least for the breach of one Commandment , when their whole study will not furnish 'em with one to keep it . Their Buildings partake much of the Constitution of their Owners , vast Foundations like their Legs , at the bottom , but built so very high , that he is a rich Man who can furnish one Story , whilst the upper Rooms bear proportion to his upper part , and are as destitute of Furniture as his Skull . The two principal Churches are St. Patricks , and Christ-Church , Edifices tolerable enough , did not the Man in the Pulpit disgrace 'em ; and unless Dr. King or some eminent Bishop transplanted from England Preaches there , you may as soon expect an ingenious Discourse from Dr. Meriton at St. Martins in the Afternoon , or a piece of Oratory from the Mendicant Divine , who holds forth upon the rails in Moor-Feilds , as a sentence worth observation , from any Man of God among 'em all . To say the Lord's-Prayer , and ten Commandments , is a sufficient Plea for Holy Orders ; and that Bishop's Chaplain who shall offer any Text in Greek to be constru'd by the would be a Deacon , or examin him as to the sense of the Fathers about Original Sin , shall be look'd upon as one not capable of performing the Office of a Priest himself . They have but one Colledge here , bat yet it bears the Title of an University , like a certain Peer in the same Kingdom , who has the sonorous Title of an Earl of * ten Worlds , when his Lordship has scarce a Foot of Land. And I think it well enough deserves the Name of University , if Vniversal Ignorance , Pride and Poverty , which has taken Lodgings here , may deserve that name . The Founder who endow'd it , knew well enough the Dispositions of those who should be his Tenants , and therefore provided well enough for their Bellies , tho' none but the Provost has any Provision for their Backs ; but for Books he gave 'em none , well knowing the little use they would make of 'em , tho' the Irish Parliament is contriving Ways and Means for a Library for 'em , which some think will be built much about the time , as the Students who are design'd to make use of it , shall arrive to the knowledge requisite for such Studies , and that is never . As for the Inhabitants of this place in general , we will rank 'em under 2 degrees , viz. Lords and Commons . The First are Spiritual and Temporal . For the Spiritual , out of the Veneration I have for the Holy Office they bear , I shall say little further , than that they may be very knowing Gentlemen , tho' I could not edifie by 'em ; and tho' I never amongst the whole set of 'em could find the Learning of a City Lecturer ; yet they may be Men of singular Parts , and their Devotion may have brought 'em so near Heaven , that for all that I know , their Heads may be lost in the Clouds . For the Nobility , the greatest Part of 'em may be compared to their own Mountains , who are so very high that they seem to wear the Stars for a Coronet , but yet are indeed no better dighted , then with a dirty Bog on the top , more deep and dangerous then the lowest Road in the Vallies . Their Estates for the generality are not greater than an ordinary English Gentlemans , yet their Pride so excessively great , that Disdain is written on their Brows , where you may read , I am too good for thee . For their Commonality , Writing is a rarity among 'em , and Reading would be utterly laid aside , were it not of great and important Consequence , when they are allow'd the Benefit of their Clergy in their Neck-Verse , and often-times poor Culprit goes to Pot , because Mr. Ordinary and He can't agree which reads truest . But I have forgot the Right Honourable his Lordship , therefore I must tell you this pitiful City has its Lord Mayor too , who is at present much such another as that pious Gentleman who preceded Sir Francis Child in London , was ; and tho' one would think that the better sort of Irish-mens Poverty might entitle 'em to beg , this venerable Magistrate will not permit the worser . To conclude , this is a City powerful in its Privileges , but weak in its Exchequer , empty in its Churches , but full in its Prisons ; has very few Fortifications for its Security , yet has Cowards for its Inhabitants ; the Nobility which live in it have Titles beyond their Estates , the Clergy Benefices beyond their Deserts , the Merchants great Houses beyond their Trade ; and every House-keeper in it Promises beyond Performance . If this ben't enough to make me wish my self in England again , I am sufficient Proof for any Place whatsoever ; and so much for the Kingdom of Ireland , which I shall describe no otherwise than it deserves , if I shall say it is , A Land which does no Pois'nous Beast afford , But in its Natives , with all Poisons stor'd : Where Vice is fruitful and Sedition shoots And shews its Head , from fix'd and lasting Roots ; Which often tempts the British Sword , and dares The Fate of Caesar , who as often spares . False to her Promise , Insolent , and Base , Her Friends Dishonour , and her Own Disgrace ; Ready for Change , tho' not in Changes long , Forsaking what is Right , embracing what is Wrong . Conquer'd in Fight , Vnconquer'd in her Pride , Rescu'd , tho' never of the Rescuer's Side . But if Example may prevail , and gain Repute , within a Land so False and Vain ; If Goodness may persuade , or Virtue Win A People drown'd in Vice , and lost in Sin ; Ev'n she , has those who o're her Sons Preside , Whose Lives can Teach her , and whose Precepts Guide ; Instructive in their Actions , as their Laws , Iust to the People , and their Master's Cause . And Winchester may yet retrieve her Name , Tho' lost to Honour , and unknown to Fame ; Whilst She may practice what her Lord has done , And follow England's Virtues , in her Son. FINIS . Notes, typically marginal, from the original text Notes for div A63248-e300 * Desmond . 
A67499	----	The dancing-school with the adventures of the Easter holy-days. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1700 Approx. 44 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67499 Wing W731 ESTC R18373 12438430 ocm 12438430 62057 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67499) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 62057) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 300:7) The dancing-school with the adventures of the Easter holy-days. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. [3], 3-16 p. Printed by J. How ..., London : 1700. Written by E. Ward. Cf. Halkett & Laing (2nd ed.). First ed. Cf. NUC pre-1956. Advertisements: p. [3]. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-04 John Latta Sampled and proofread 2003-04 John Latta Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE Dancing-School . WITH THE ADVENTURES OF THE Easter Holy-Days . LONDON , Printed by I. How , in the Ram-head-Inn-Yard , in Fanchurch-Street , 1700. Books Sold by J. How , in the Ram-Head-Inn-Yard in Fanchurch-Street ; J. Weld , at the Crown between the Temple-Gates in Fleet-street ; and Mrs. Fabian , at Mercers-Chappel in Cheapside . 1. SOt's Paradise : Or the Humours of a Derby-Ale-House : With a Satyr upon the Ale. Price Six Pence . 2. A Trip to Iamaica : With a True Character of the People and Island . Price Six Pence . 3. Eclesia & Factio . A Dialogue between Bow-Steeple-Dragon , and the Exchange-Grashopper . Price Six Pence . 4. The Poet 's Ramble after Riches . With Reflections upon a Country Corporation . Also the Author's Lamentation in the time of Adversity . Price Six Pence . 5. A Trip to New-England . With a Character of the Country and People , both English and Indians . Price Six Pence . 6. Modern Religion and Ancient Loyalty : A Dialogue . Price Six Pence . 7. The World Bewitch'd . A Dialogue between Two Astrologers and the Author . With Infallible Predictions of what will happen from the Vices and Villanies Practis'd in Court , City and Country . Price Six Pence . 8. A Walk to Islington : With a Description of New Tunbridge-VVells , and Sadler's Musick-House . Price Six Pence . 9. The Humours of a Coffee-House : A Comedy . Price Six Pence . 10 A Frolick to Horn-Fair . With a Walk from Cuckold's-Point thro' Deptford and Greenwich . Price Six-Pence . 11. The First Volume of the LONDON-SPY ? In Twelve Parts . 12. The First , Second Third , and Fourth Parts of the Second Volume of the London-Spy . All Written by the same Author . THE Dancing-School , &c. IN the Week before Easter , when School-boys plead their old Charter of Omnia Bene , in opposition to the Tyrannical Injunction of Buttock-Pennance , inflicted according to the Arbitrary Wills of those Grammarian Monarchs , who Govern absolute in their Kingdoms of Instruction , who now , pursuant to an old Custome , submit to a Cessation of Birch Arms , by which they us'd to Rule , Awe , and Terrifie their Infant Subjects ; and when Womens Taylors were as busie in Turning of old Gowns , and Repairing the Decay'd Ornaments of Maids , Wives , and Widows , to set them off , as Nature does the Season of the Year , to the best advantage , that they may walk with their Gallants to Islington , and there make as great a Consumption of Bottle-Ale and Plumb-Cakes , as ever was made of Pig , Pork , and prick'd Wines , during the Revels of St. Bartholomew : 'T was then I found my Blood had acquir'd a pleasing warmth , and as it Circulated thro' its Channels , gave to each Vein a Voluntary Titillation , without either Female Dalliance , or the force of Imagination ; that I began to be as Rampant as a Parsons Bull in the Spring , turn'd into new Pasture ; and could think of nothing but fine Faces , Charming Bubbies , Plump Hips , Soft Bellies , Condescending Mo-Mo-Modicums , and such sort of strange Whimsies ; that I found my self almost as Mad as Women Troubled with a Fura Matricis , and could not any longer be without the Nocturnal , as well as Diurnal Happiness of Female Conversation . In order to Lawfully procure to my self this mistaken Blessing , which every Fool Admires till he Enjoys , and Enjoys till he Despises , I began to consider the easiest and most probable means of obtaining this delightful Fangle , or Modish Bauble , call'd a Woman ; and such an one as a Man might be Content to be Plagu'd with all days of his Life , for the sake only of the Old Trade of Basket-making ; at last , I made this Result , from some hours Deliberation , That the common Method Citizens take to be made Cuckolds , might be as ready a Road to Matrimony , as any Man could think on : Upon which I bought me about two Pound and a half of Wig , two or three Ells of Cravat , had a Gold Hat-band Stich'd cross the Crown of my Hat , and the Frogs of my Belt let down as low as the Rowls of my Stockins : Thus at a few Guineas Expence , made my self as pretty a Fool in Fashion , as any 's to be seen at Fop's Coffee-house , or amongst the Audience at a New Play. When thus Equip'd , it being a great Ball-Week , I had recourse to a Dancing-School , which I thought was the best Rendesvouz of willing Tits , that a Man under my Circumstance could desire to shake his Breech amongst , by a little Seal'd Warrant , commonly call'd a Ticket , which I had procur'd from the Lord Caperer Paramount , of Currant , Minuet , and Bory ; I obtain'd admittance , Crowding in with a parcel of Grave Matrons , who had left their Husbands at home , some to keep Shop , and othres to keep Bars , whilst themselves became Spectators of their pretty Daughters Perfections . I had not been long settled amidst the Motherly Assembly of Cheapside-Quality , but I found my self as Warm as a Dutch Womans Honour , when a Stove's under her Petticoats ; being quickly brought into such a fine Breathing Sweat , that I began to be much about as easie under the Heat , as a new Marry'd Man under Matrimony at Midsummer , that like him what I expected would have prov'd a Pleasure , I found now to be down-right Drudgery ; as soon as the Room was fully furnish'd with fine Ladys , who were rang'd by the Master of the Revels , in as regular an order , as Painted Gallipots in an Apothecary's Shop ; the pretty Female Poppets who were to Entertain the Company with some new French Figaries , and feats of Activity , were Usher'd into Publick View , adorn'd with precious Stones , collected from several parts of the Town , to set off their Nursery of Bellfa's to the best Advantage ; who came in by two , and two , as exactly Pair'd as ever I saw Coach Horses ; and droping their Honours to the Assembly , mov'd cross the Room to their Places , as Formal , and as Stiff , as Figures in a Raree-show , or a Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen , going to deliver an Adress to show the City's Loyalty ; several Branches as well as Sconces of Candles being lighted , and the Room being Cramm'd as full of Company , as St. Brides Church , upon a Spittle Psalm at Easter , or an Anthem on Cicelia's Day : The Schollars being rang'd upon Forms or Shelves in several Degrees , one above another , the biggest being seated uppermost , like the great Dishes in a Kitchen above the Plates ; but were so mightily infected with the Green Sickness , that the paleness of their Faces made their Heads look in rows like the Poor's Whiteloaves in a Church : A Concert of Coleyard-Musick was thrust up into a Bow-Window , where they sat thrashing of Minuets and Bories , till their Faces Rain'd Sweat upon their Papers and their Instruments , and made 'em look with as good a Gloss , as if they had been new Varnish'd ; but stoping the Pores of the Wood , so Damp'd the sound , that had they strung up an old Butter-firkin for a Base , and made their Trebles of Lignum Vitae , they could not have impos'd a worse Sound upon the Ears of the Audience than they did : I look'd about me , like a Beau in a Play-House , to take a general Survey of the Ladies round me , and thought my self as happy in my Company , as the Great Turk amidst his Seraglio , and pleas'd my self with the Thoughts of having the Power to choose any one out of the Fair Number . All things being now in order to begin to show , Monsieur Shake-legs Faces about to his fair Company of Female Pupils , whom he had brought under such Discipline , that at one Word of Command , they advanc'd forward from their Seats , seeming all to be as ready to put themselves upon a Gallop , as so many Post Horses ; when they had put themselves in a Ring , like so many Country People going to Play at Drop-Glove , very concise Orders were dispatch'd to the Listening Crowdero's to play the Brawles ; which being done , the Cock led up the Chickens , and away they scoured Round the Room after one another as if they were playing at Train-Tro ; at which kind of Sport they continued till they had tired the Company , much worse than themselves , before they chang'd into Variety ; and than we had as many Changes given us upon Currant , Bory Minuet , and Fig , as could be rung upon four Bells , now and then intermix'd with a Figure-Dance , where they look'd like so many Girles running the Mazes in Tuttle-Fields , and she that run thro' with the least faults , should have a Ginger-Bread Husband for her Reward : Every Dance I perceiv'd , prov'd an excellent Sudorisick to the Master , who now look'd as Red in the Face , as if his Head had Blush'd for his Heels , and that he thought in his own Conscience , it was too Effeminate a Profession to raise a Man to the Dignity of Lord-Mayor , or to be the Study of a Philosopher , that had any Guts in his Brains , to make himself Learned in the sundry Motions and Measures of the Foot. I could not forbear thinking it might be properly enough said , that a Dancing-Master , is the only Creature in the Creation that Walks with his Heels upwards ; for no doubt on 't , for the great Service they do him , he prefers them in his own Opinion above his Head ; and things are to Mankind , not as they really are , but as we make 'em , and believe ' em . By this time , some Brother Professors of the Step , were hopp'd into his Assistance , and gave him the Opportunity of retiring , partly thro' Ostentation , and partly for refreshment , to change his Dancing Accouterments , and Entertain the Eyes of the Spectators with a new piece of Prodigality ; making his Re-Entrance as fresh upon the Stage of his Theatre in Epitomy , as a Lincolns-Inn-Field Wrastler , after he has recover'd new Vigour from the Sucking of two or three China Oranges ; and then amongst 'em the poor Girles were so throughly Exercis'd , that some of them began to hobble like a Woman just lifted off a Horse-back , who has lost Leather by the Fatigue of a long Journey . The Candles now began , for want of Snuffing , to burn as dim as if the Room had been Haunted with Evil Spirits , so that there was a short Cessation of Dancing for a time ; and the Activity of the Foot was forc'd to give way to the Imployment of the Hands , which Danc'd round the Branches with such wonderful Expedition , that I could not forbear thinking the Man that Snuff'd the Candles , was as great a Proficient in his way , as he that had hired him for that purpose ; in every Interval the Quarteridges flow'd so fast into the Masters Pocket , that the Money chinck'd as he Caper'd , almost as loud as the Bells of a Morice-Dancer , when he is hopping about the Hay ; and I suppose , was much Pleasanter Musick to his Ears , than that he Danc'd to . The Tattles of the Motherly Spectators , began now to swell into great Emulation , every one giving her own Female Off-spring so large a Character of the sweet humour and Disposition of her Child , that it is scarce to be Credited ; and so highly Commended the Docibility of the poor Lamb , that she had not gone to School above a Fortnight , but she begun and made her Father a Band of as good Point as ever was brought from Venice . Ay truly , I believe in my Conscience , 't is one of the Tractablest Children , I must say that for her , that ever poor Woman brought into the World ; and truly , as long as I and her Father are able to give it her , she shall want no Education to make her a Gentlewoman ; for tho' we Sell Ale , 't is true , yet , we bless God for it , we get our Money as Honestly , and Enjoy our selves as Comfortably as any People in our Station throughout the whole Parish , Marry do we , and I don't know why , if we are able , we should not give our Children as good Breeding as any Body . Truly Neighbour , says another , You 're of my Mind , I declare it , for what ever shift I make upon my own Account , my Children shall Learn their Haviours , and not be Bred up Clowns , like Dorothy Mopsly , or Sarah Varges , that hang down their Heads when they come amongst Strangers , as if they were Bred in a Hogsty ; and look so Sheepishly as if they could not say Bo to a Goose , when they meet him ; or had not Confidence enough to sit a minute upon a Lovers Knee , that Courts 'em in the way of Civility . Such sort of Talk as this , fill'd up the space of every Interval ; the Master of the Ceremonies , full of Patience and Low Bows , submiting to the reproofs of some Mothers , who were Jealous of his Care and Diligence to their Children , ascribing their Daughters Dullness and Natural Defects , to their Masters Negligence , the Doting Mother being as unable to discern the Faults and Impediments of her own Progeny , as the Loving Cuckold is to believe the Failings of his Wife ; others so Extravagantly Opinionated of their Daughters Performances , that the poor Wretch must be made a Slave to the Folly of her Parent , and be call'd upon every minute to Answer by a dull Repetition of her Excellencies , either the Pride of her Mother , or Vanity of her Master , she being , 't is likely , in the Thoughts of both , no small Credit to him that taught the pretty Dancer , as well as she that bore the pretty Miss . The rest of the Spectators , as well as my self , began now , I believe , to be pretty well tired with the dull Swimming , and Capering , of ev'ry Sweating Salatrix . The whole Company being made as hot and as wet , by Crowding so close , and Sucking in one anothers Breaths , that had a Batch of hot Rye-Bread been Anointed with Whey-Butter , just under our Noses , they could not have prov'd a Sourer Nosegay , than what sprang out of the Pores of the Melting Assembly , during the Time we were under this uneasie Confinement ; for there was no stirring without a general Consent ; People were thumping at the Door , as if Distracted , for admittance , like so many Batchelours strugling to Enter into the State of Matrimony , not at all considering the wonderful Inconveniencies the many People were under , who had fallen into it already , and would as gladly get out on 't , could they break those Ecclesiastical Fetters which bind them to their Bargains . At last the Door being opened to let out some-body , who was , or as least plaid the Hypocrite for their Ease , and pretended to be Fainting , In broke a Rabble of People from without , of all Ages , both Sexes , and divers Qualities , from the Inns-of-Court Clark , to the Footman , and the Town-Lady , to the Tavern Kitchen-Wench , that like so many Wheat Eares cramm'd into a Tunbridge Pye , we Stew'd , Cocks and Hens together , till we were throughly Bak'd in our own Fat and Gravy . This disorder , to the great satisfaction of all those who had been long Sitters , was some occasion of shortning our Pennance ; so that the remainder of our Fooleries was order'd , first to be a Figure and a Song ; and then the whole Entertainment to be turn'd up in a few Country Dances , that the Ladies , I suppose , might Couple themselves at last with Partners , who at least would be so Civil to see them safe Home to their several Habitations , if not make an Amour to 'em , and give 'em some Hopes of a further satisfaction : The Song that they Sung was , I suppose , in Praise of Singing and Dancing ; there was something in 't , of Come let 's Trip it o'er the Plain , And Sing and Dance a Main , or such sort of stuff , which I don't think worth Representing to the Reader : I have given instead , one of my own as applicable to the purpose , which I hope will give him greater Diversion . A Song upon Dancing . DAncing was first a Maggot Bred , In some Musicians Crazy Head : When Ripe , being Slip'ry as an Eel , It slid from thence , into his Heel ; And there it to this Day remains , Having no further need of Brains ; Making 'em Skip with Nimble force , As Eels i' th' Belly of a Horse : Which Jockies use each Market-Day , To make 'em Dance , as People say . Who Teach this slight of Foot in Schools Great Rev'rence pay to Single Souls : And little Friendship have for those , Who always deal in double Shoes . Some Men by Learned Heads grow Great , But they advanc'd are by their Feet , The Grandure of the World Despise , And ne'er above a Caper Rise : And when all 's done , their formal Steps and Scrapes , Makes Women Lucifers , and Men but Apes . Their Song , instead of mine , being ended , as scurvily out of the Key , as an Epithalamium sung by a Consort of Stroling Fidlers under a Bridegrooms Chamber-Window . The Word was no sooner given for Country Dances , but away scour'd an Auxiliary Troop of London-Prentices cross the Room , made , an on-set upon the Ladies , as if they had been going Vi et Armis , to Commit a Rape upon the whole Female Convention ; And when every one had chose a Mate , as Birds upon a Valentines Day , Green Sleeves and Pudding-Pies was Order'd to be struck up , and away they mov'd in Couples after the Master ; who led up the Dance , like so many Hounds following the Heels of a Huntsman , and shook their Breeches , with as much seeming satisfaction to both Sexes concern'd , as so many Faries could possibly Enjoy in a Midnight Dance , upon a Lonely Plain in the Moon-shine . By this time I was thoroughly tired , as ever was poor God-Father at a Christening , and having next to me a pretty kind of a Woman , at the full Age of Maturity ; who look'd Modest enough , as times go , to refuse a Man to be a Mistress , without a very close Siege , long Fatigue , large Expence , lavish Promises , and the like ; which I had no great Mind to be at the Trouble of , but rather to Endeavour to Discover whether she had Virtue and Money enough , answerable to her outward Perfections , to make a Wife on : Accordingly I withdrew my Eyes from the Dancers , and apply'd a Succeeding Number of Affectionate Glances to my Charming Neighbour , as the best Preface I thought I could use to my following Solicitations , considering our Looks render our Passions as Intelligible as Words , and oftentimes leave behind 'em a far deeper Impression . When I had practised this sort of Ogling for a few Minutes , and gave her Signal Reasons to believe my Eyes meant something which my Modesty hitherto , or some other Difficiency , had hinder'd my Tongue from more plainly Expressing , I began to break out into such sort of Impertinence , as Lovers usually Preamble with to introduce an Amour , to which she gave her Attention , with as Modest an Indifference as becomes a Woman of Discretion . This Heighten'd the good Opinion I had conceiv'd , tho' it put me to a greater puzzle to find Talk to Entertain her ; for the less free a Woman is , the more it puts a Man upon his Guard , and gives him the Trouble of Placing his Words under greater Discipline , for fear he should be Laugh'd at ; it being Natural for Persons who say but little , to observe much , and take the greater Advantage of others Failings . At last I proceeded to an Encomium on her Beauty , which I found after the first Trembling on-set , had inspir'd me with such Eloquence that my Fancy Soar'd to more Hyperbole's than ever were stuff'd into an Accademy of Compliments : These I perceiv'd gave the Eares of my new unknown Mistress a little Titillation , and made her begin to Talk as fast in Contradiction of my Flatteries , as she term'd 'em , as I could find words to Exhibit those Sentiments which the seeming Innocence of her Charms had influenc'd me to conceive of her pretty Person . By this time , being as much pleas'd with her Witty Conversation , as I was before with her outward Appearances ; I began to press hard to inform me by which of these three Titles she distinguish'd herself , viz. Maid , Wife , or Widdow ; considering with my self , in this Ripe and forward Age , she was scarce Young enough to be the former , and full Old enough to be either of the latter ; at last after much Pains and Entreaties , I extorted a Confession of her Circumstance , from her Sweet and Alluring Lips , which was attended with so Innocent a Blush , when she told me a Maid , that none could have exprest , but she that deserv'd the Title . Having thus far proceeded to my Satisfaction , I had great hopes she would prove in reality , what her Carriage , as well as own report , represented her to be ; and now chang'd the former method of my Talk , into importunies of waiting on her Home , to Protect her from the Accidents and Insolencies of the Night , so Beautiful a Creature was liable to in the Street ; which after many Humble Solicitations , as well as Arguments , I prevail'd with her to Consent to : My Happiness now began to swell in Proportion to the Favour she had granted me , reflecting at the same time on her Sweet Beauty and Deportment to heighten the Obligation , till I was grown as over-Joyful at these my first Successes , as a Young Counsel that had carry'd a Cause , or a Young Duellist that had Disarm'd his Adversary . By this time the Dancers having tired their Legs , as much at their Pastime , as the Fidlers had their Arms in Playing to 'em , the Master changing his Spanish-Leather Shooes , for French-Wax , and the City Beaus having buckled on their Street-Travelling Neats-Leather , and put their Pumps into their Pockets , whilst the Ticklers of Cats Guts were Baging and Casing up their Musical Handsaws , together with their instruments , and the Dancing Masters Equipage , were Poisoning out the Company by Extinguishing the Lights , and saving the Candles-Ends , to show their Masters good Husbandry ; so that the People began to Crowd out as fast into the Air for Refreshment , as they Throng'd in for Diversion ; till it came to my Mistresses turn and mine , to relieve our Nostrils from a mixture of ill Scents , and squeez our selves out of the Door , thro' which Men , Women , and Children , Ebb'd out as fast as Water thro' London-Bridge at a Spring Tide ; till at last without use of our Legs , we were carry'd into the Street with the force of the Current , like a Chip along a Kennel after a Showr of Rain ; where I call'd a Coach , and handed her in with as much Delight , as ever an Old Miser thrust Gold into his Hoard , or a Usurer a Bond and Judgment into the Drawer of his Closet . I now improv'd every minute to the utmost , and was so all over Love , that I was afraid the Flame in my Breast , would have Consum'd my willing Carcase in as little time as Fire does a Brush Faggot , in a Tavern : I now having gather'd from her , who she was , and where she Liv'd , and a Promise of her Company on Easter-Monday , upon large Protestations of my Civil Behaviour towards her , which she had ty'd me up to , with all imaginable Strictness ; and setting her down at the distance she requested from the Habitation of her Friends , I Modestly wish'd her all Happiness , till our next merry Meeting according to appointment ; and so we parted . I was mighty well pleas'd with reflecting , on the fair Progress I had thus succesfully made in my new Intrigue : Which according to the good Opinion I was willing to have of my pretty Mistress , I thought well worth Mannaging , and resolv'd with my self , since I had made so fair a Beginning , I would pursue it to some End or other , without foul reasons to the Contrary . Having thus parted with my Cherubimical Acquaintance , I retir'd home to my Lodging , being under too great an Amorous Inflamation for any thing to cool , as I thought , but a secure possession of her sweet Embraces , and Dilectable Conversation ; of which I had such extravagant Conceptions , that I had rais'd her Perfections in my Opinion above Humanity . Sleep , which we find by experience is the best and most Natural Relief for an Intoxicated Mortal , under the Enchantments of Bacchus , had no manner of Effect upon my more dangerous Distemper , Love ; for when I arose in the Morning , after a Nights repose , I found as great a refreshment of my Passion , as I did of my Body ; and could foresee no other measures to prevent the re-encrease , or check the violence of my Flame , but the means Nature has appointed for the relief of both Sexes under so intollerable a Condition . I therefore thought it necessary to employ Loves common Confident , the Pen , and try if the trusty Conveyance of my Affection by a Letter , might not be a means of kindling the like Desires in my new-found Angel , which her prevailing Beauty had rais'd in her Languishing Admirer to so Superlative a Degree . Accordingly I adjourn'd from home , to the next Coffee-house , where , after I had wish'd her all Happiness , equal to her Perfection , in a large Glass of cold Tea , which I accounted the best Liquor to inspire a young Lover , with extravagant Thoughts and apt Phrases , for the discovery of so stubborn a Disease ; which nothing could palliate , but her Company ; and nothing Cure , but the Embraces of her who had thus infected me ; I apply'd Pen to Paper , and dispatch'd this following Epistle to the Lady ; which , because I found her wittily inclin'd , I digested into a Comical Stile , that she might at once be Diverted with my Letter , and pleas'd with her own Conquest . Madam , AS sure as ever a Rattle-Snake with his Eyes ever tempted a Squirrel to drop into his Mouth , so sure am I enchanted with the Lustre of your fair Features , that I could tumble into yours , were it but big enough to hold me . Had not the Promise you have made me , to see me next Monday Morning , given me as great assurance of being once more happy , as ever poor Cuckold had of being always Miserable , if he has a handsome Woman to his Wife , and wants patience to bear with her ; I should as certainly have run stark-mad , thro' despair of your Company , as ever was Old Maid , that had married an Eunuch , or an Old Gazette-Monger , that had lost his Spectacles As your Beauty has made me burn like a Taylors-Goose , just fetch'd home from an Ale-house Kitchen , so use me , Dear Madam , that I may press down the Seam of your Perfections ; that my Weight , together with my Warmth , may lay 'em all as flat as a Flounder . I have as little to say to recommend my self to your Favours , as a Modern Poet has in the defence of an old Version of the Psalms : But only that I Love , Honour , and Adore you , as much as ever an old doting Fool did Antiquities , or more than my Lord-Mayors Sword-Bearer does Custard . I therefore hope in time you will think I have as just a Title to your Affections as an honest Man has to a good Name , or an Old Scold to a Ducking-Stool . And if you , most Salutiferous Lady , will , upon the Receit hereof , vouchsafe but to admit me into one Corner of your Affections , I do Promise , Vow , and Swear , with as much sincerity as ever a Scotch-man took the Covenant , that I will always be as constant to you , as a She-Hypocrite is to her Prayers ; and cling as close to your dear sides , as a Virginia - Creeper to the Walls of an old Fabrick . I hope , most Angelical Comfortress , these merry Motives will induce you to Compassion as well as Laughter ; and tho' they are delivered as if in Jest , pray take 'em in Earnest , and believe for this once , a Man may Love you without expressing it in the old Stile of Hanging and Drowning . Therefore if this Method won't take with you , let me know it in an answer , and my next Address shall be Collected out of the last Dying Speeches in the Book of Martyrs . But till I find you affect Weeping rather than Laughing , and are sooner to be Frighted into Pity , than Jested into Gratitude , I shall still proceed to gain your good Opinion , as Bartholemew-Fair Players do to please their Audience , more by Farce and Jocularity , than Tragedy and Fine Speeches . So hoping as much for a kind Answer , and a Performance of your Word , as ever Seamen did for a Fair Wind , or a Hackny Coach-man for Foul-Weather ; I Remain , but not Rest , Your most Importunate Phylocrates , T. D. Having thus concluded this first Draught of Affection , I call'd for one of Loves Messengers , a Porter , and dispatch'd him to my Lady , expecting no Answer by the Bearer ; believing she would take more time to Deliberate on the matter : My new method of Courtship , being enough to surprize any Woman at first Sight , who had not been accustom'd to so Comical a Dialect ; the Nimble Footed Emissary , having sucessfully discharg'd his Business , made a speedy return with a satisfactory Answer , by Word of Mouth ; which was , That I should hear further from her in the Afternoon ; till which time , I was as uneasie as an Offender at the Bar , during the Absence of the Jury to Consult their Verdict , Labouring under as many various and Opposite Suggestions , and Delusions as a true Cocker at a Cock Match , fancying one Minute would go for me , another Minute against me ; sometimes that she 'd be pleas'd with my Letter ; sometimes that she 'd be Angry ; and under this sublunary Frenzy I remain'd till I was better satisfi'd by her Answer : Having no more Stomach to my Dinner , than a Woman has to her Breakfast that Morning she 's to be Marry'd . At last , after being thro'ly tir'd with a tedious Expectancy , as all People are , who stand Gaping for a Blessing of which they are doubtful , in comes a Letter to my Lodging by the Peny-Post ; where I sat waiting with as much Impatience , as an Old Fool in a Coffee-house , tarrying for a News Letter , upon the surrender of a Town ; or the French Kings Dying of his Fistula in Ano. When I had got the little Billet in my Hand , I Trembled like a Kentish Yeoman , Troubl'd with a Tertian Ague ; at last took Courage , like a Young Lover , about to attack his Mistresses Virginity . And after I had Kist it three or four times , in respect to the fair Hand that had compil'd the Manuscript ; I open'd the Seal , and let my self boldly into the Secret , which I expected in a great Measure , would prove a Vera Copia of my Mistresses Inclinations : A Recital of which , I shall proceed to give you , as follows . Sir , SInce you seem to compare me to a Rattle-Snake , I wonder you should express such a Willingness to receive me into your Bosome ; and indeed , could I think you like a Squirrel , I should be very fearfull to give you any admittance into my Affections , since I have often heard , a Squirrel is a Creature who covers his Back with his Tail. Or am I a Woman that can Gape so wide , as to swallow any such Windfalls ? In the succeeding Sentence , you say something of a Cuckold , if you think your Stars have decreed you to be the Monster you talk on , I desire you would trouble your self no further ; for I should hate a Husband with Horns , were they even of my own Grafting ; and therefore I desire you would apply your self to some-body more proper for your purpose . The old Maid that has Marry'd an Eunuch , I am heartily sorry for her ; as for my part , I hope you can see by my Looks I am none of the one , and if you find your self the other , I desire you would rest your self contented , and think no more of a Wife , than a Blind-man ought to do of Spectacles : For why should a Man have the Vanity to covet that which its impossible he should use when he has got it in possession ? Therefore I advise you as a Friend , if you are in any such condition , to turn your Back upon Matrimony , and think no more of a Wife , then a Lawyer Cares to do of the next World ; or a Cittizen , of Horn-Fair . I am sorry my Eyes have put you into the Condition of a Taylors-Goose , if you had not Cackled I should never have known it ; and since you could not keep your self Two Days under your Distemper without divulging it , I am fearful if I should Administer to you the Remedy I believe you want , you could never conceal the Cure. You acknowledge you have nothing to recommend you to my Affections ; and I must honestly confess , for I hate Flattery , He that has nothing to say for himself , or can nothing do to oblige his Mistress to Love him , is a Man likely to procure but a small share in my Affections ; for I can never Esteem a Man much , that is furnish'd with so little . In the next place , you insist upon a Title which you plead to my affections , which I cannot reconcile to your foregoing acknowledgment ; For how can a Man have a Title to any Womans Esteem , when he has nothing to Recommend him ? You promise me , like a good Hearty Lover , if I admit you into my Favour , you 'll be as Constant to me , as a Hypocrite to her Prayers . In answer to which High-flown Compliment , I think my self Oblig'd to do you just as much good , as Prayers do such a Hyppocrite . You tell me also , you 'll stick as close to me as a Virginia - Creeper to an Old Fabrick ; since you are so very Complesant to make an Old Wall of me , t is but just Reason you should find my Heart as Obdurate , as a Brickbat . You desire me , what you have spoke in Jest , that I would take in Earnest : I like not such a method of Construction ; for if I should Encourage you in good Earnest , by the same Rule , I suppose you would make a Jest on 't . As for the Old Stile of Hanging and Drowning , I think they are both too shameful Deaths for a Lover to make mention of ; and the poor Spirited Wretch who had no more Wit than to do either for a Mistress , I should think had never Courage enough to win one ; for nothing but Cowardice is the Cause of Despair ; and a Contemptible Death is but the just reward of Cowardise : So as for your Book of Martyrs you may keep it for a better use , for the most Religious are now a days grown more wise than to follow their Examples ; and as for Lovers in this Age , I would not have 'em pretend to 't . I like your Drolling Method of Courtship much better , and should much rather play the part of a Comick Stage-Lover in Iest , than prove your self a Tragick Fool in good Earnest , of which I am very sensible there 's no great danger . According to my Promise , I will meet you at the place appointed , where I expect , according to yours , I shall meet with nothing but Civility , and you will Oblige , Your Servant , M. L. Whether I had reason to like or dislike this pert Answer to my Letter , I 'll leave the Reader to judge ; I conn'd it over and over , as often as a young Priest does a Sermon , he designs to Preach without Book ; and was mightily pleas'd to find my Mistress so witty ; I hugg'd and Kiss'd it with as much pleasure as a Monkey would a Kitten , or an Old Woman her Grand-child ; and was so wonderful fond of this new Favour , that I could have swallow'd it , as people do Charms , for an Ague , had it not been a dishonour to so sweet an Epistle , to have been converted into a S — ce . I open'd it , and shut it , as often in a Day , as a Beau does his Snush-Box ; and could no more think of Eating and Drinking till I see her again , than a Crying-out-Woman can of Copulation in the heighth of her Labour . In this kind of Intoxicated Condition , drunk between Love and Joy , I remain'd till the Monday Morning in Easter Week , when near the time of meeting , I posted to the place appointed , with as good a Will as ever a Coward run from danger , or a Fool into it : where I had not spent above as much time as a lusty Fellow requires to beget a Charge to the Parish , but in comes my Lady , with such an Awful Presence , that the sight of her , as powerful as the Wind of a Cannon Bullet , had like to have knock'd me backwards , and struck me as dumb , that I was no more able to deliver the fine Speech I intended for her , without abundance of Hesitation , than Iockimo in Don Iohn was able without stammering to invite the Ghosts to Dinner with his Master ; till after I had a little recover'd my self , like a Soldier after the first Onset , and then I began to be as Bold , as a Lover could well be with so much Beauty , upon so slender Acquaintance . 'T will be a little too tedious to tell you in particular what past between us , Kisses and kind Words I apply'd with Eagerness , which on her part were received with a becoming Coyness . After we had prattled away , and spent a little time in these sort of Love-Toys , we determin'd to take Coach , being Holyday time , and go up to Highgate ; proposing in our Journey to be greatly diverted with the humours of the Mob , as we pass'd along the Road , it being a Season of the Year , when Petty-Tradesmen and their , Wives , Prentices and Servant Wenches , Attorneys Clerks and School-Boys , Journey-men Shooemakers , and Taylor 's with their Mates , Soldiers with their Trulls , in short , Tag , Rag , and Bobtail , all have recourse into the Fields , to recover the poor out-lying Alehouse-keepers from the hardships brought upon 'em by the past Winter . As soon as we had fitted our selves with that Love , as well as Lazy Convenience , a Coach ; I handed in my Mistress , and taking the advantage of her Stride , blest my Eyes with a Glance of her Green Silk Stockins , and pretty Pettitoes , which my Chops water much more than the Cutting of a Lemon ; and made my Heart go pit-a-pat , like a young Girle 's that had stumbled in an Alley upon a pair of Active Lovers recreating themselves by Moonshine . Having thus put our selves in order to proceed our little Journey , for varieties sake , I 'll give you the remainder in Verse , in hopes it may better please the Reader . Our Charioteer , now mounting in his Box , Hey-up , he cry'd , his Jades stood still as Stocks , He Slash'd , and Cut , and Curs'd 'em , with a Pox. With true Horse Language , and the use of Thong , He , forc'd at last , his Hungry Tits along , Who when once set on going , Ran ding dong . Thus with his pair of Hide-bound Skeletons , He drove us ratling over London Stones , Almost to th' Dislocation of our Bones . In little time , to Islington we came ; For Cakes and Ale , a Town of Ancient Fame ; Which to this day 's frequented for the same . Where Whiffs so Sav'ry did our Nostrills Fan , From Cakes , Eel-Pies , and Tarts in Patti-Pan , Like Twelf-tide Air , in Wood-street newly drawn . At ev'ry Door , as we the Town pass'd thro' , A basket of hot Buns was set in View ; No doubt but some within were Butter'd too . Those set without were to make Children Cry , Or Tempt the well-sown Longing Mothers Eye , Who can't without a Pot and Cake go by . Peasants in Streams did out of London Ebb , And tho' each Scoundrel had his homely Drab , The Cock took care to Nurse the bawling Squab . The Wife she Trotted after on the Road , Scolding at something had Dissention sow'd , For Marry'd Clowns can ne'er agree abroad . Some in old Oliverian Coats were clad , With narrow Skirts , and little Buttons made ; And at their Backs their good Wive's Pattens had , Each Crop-Ear'd Prentice had his , walking Mate , To Kiss , and Toy with , o'er an Ale-house Treat ; And make the Pleasures of his Walk more Sweet . With these the Roades were fill'd on ev'ry side , Ungainly Cloth'd in all their Easter Pride ; The Men Walk'd fast , the Wenches straddled Wide . Some Clambring over Hedges , some o'er Stiles , Some Girles their A — s shew , the Men mean whiles , Came after peeping to provoke their Smiles . All hurry'd on , I wonder'd at their haste , Or what entic'd 'em to go on so fast , The Reason I resolv'd to know at last . We Kiss'd and Toy'd , and Merrily Jogg'd on , My Mistress kinder and more free was grown , To me all Modest Favours now were shown . Like Quality we Sported at the Rout , And when we pleas'd , Contemptibly look'd out Upon the Sweating Slaves that walk'd on Foot. Sometime drew up our Sashes made of Tin , To hide from Vulgars Eyes Loves Toys within ; And when we'd done , we dropt 'em down agin . Our minutes might have been much more improv'd , Had she , like me , without Discretion Lov'd ; Her Vertues were too powerful to be mov'd . By now to th' Bottom of the Hill we came , The Horses Cough'd and Groan'd to see the same ; And at its height grew very sick and lame . The Coachman light to give his Carrion ease , They pull'd till farted to their Driver please ; And now and then dropt down upon their knees For all they kneel'd , his whip he would not spare , But Cut 'em up , and Curs'd the Lazy pair ; And in his Thoughts pray'd backwards for his Fare . No Loaded Waggon in a soft deep Snow , And drawn by Oxen , could have mov'd more slow , Enough t o've tir'd the Patience of a Beau. Before we'd Conquer'd half our Rising way , He fed his Starvlings , with a whisp of Hay . Drawn from a Bag beneath his Coach-Box lay . At last the Jades with heavy striving drew Their Luggage to the top with much adoe , Where we the Ancient Village had in view . I gave my Mistress Welcome to the Town . Manners , with Love , in one sweet Kiss was shown . Lest she should take her Courtier for a Clown . No Countrey Fair , where Crowds of Swains resort , To meet their Lasses , and Contend in sport , Could be more full , or did their Mirth fall short . To ease their tired Limbs , sat here and there , Upon a Verdant Plat , a Loving pair , Kissing and Toying in the open Air. Others were Crowded into Ale-house yards , Some Slaving were at Nine-pins , some at Cards , Whilst Taylor 's occupy'd the Shuffle-Boards . Some into little hoop-stick Arbours crept , The Parents Tipled whilst their Children slept , And Maudling Wenches with their Sweet-hearts wept . I ask'd the meaning of these num'rous Trains , And found the Giddy Crowd took all this Pains , To see the Finchly Murd'rer hang in Chains . To the high Tavern , where the Genrry meet , We went , which could not yield one Slice of Meat ; Nothing we found but Cake and Cheese to Eat . This Rabbles Fare , with us would not go down , I offer'd for some Mutton-Stakes a Crown , But could not get one Chop throughout the Town . Is this , said I , a Village of such Fame , For City Cuckold to refresh his Dame , Pox take your famish'd Town ; so back we came . FINIS . 
A67501	----	Ecclesia & Factio a dialogue between Bow-Steeple Dragon and the Exchange Grasshopper. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1698 Approx. 20 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67501 Wing W733 ESTC R8751 12381564 ocm 12381564 60782 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67501) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 60782) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 904:37) Ecclesia & Factio a dialogue between Bow-Steeple Dragon and the Exchange Grasshopper. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 16 p. [s.n.], London : 1698. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. A satire, in verse. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Religion and politics -- Anecdotes. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-05 Emma (Leeson) Huber Sampled and proofread 2003-05 Emma (Leeson) Huber Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion Ecclesia & Factio . A DIALOGUE BETWEEN Bow-Steeple Dragon , AND THE Exchange Grashopper . LONDON , Printed in the Year , 1698. ECCLESIA & FACTIO . A DIALOGUE , &c. Dragon . TELL me Proud Insect , since thou can'st not Fly , By what assistance thou art Hopp'd so high : The busie swarms of Gnats and Wasps around , With Hum , and Buz , thy Revelations sound , And cry in thee ( alone ) their happiness is found . Me they Despise , and thee they Praise aloud , Admire thee , and Adore thee as a God : Misled by false Enthusiastick Light , They 've rais'd thee now to a Destructive hight , Who restless strive'st , by thy accustom'd ways , To stain those Glories , which thou ne'er cou'dst raise ; And like your Dam ( the Babylonian Beast ) Cry down those Truths ( by which Mankind are Blest ) Which Reason , well as Faith , makes manifest . Grashopper . Thy Scaly Body , and Aspiring Wings , Thy furious Tallons , and thy frightful Stings , Makes thee seem Monstrous to our milder Flock , Who Dreaded once , but now Disdains thy Yoke : You 'd bind our Souls , b'Omnipotence made free , And Rob us of that Heav'n-born Libertie , To which we have a Right , as clea● as thee . My Sons thou wou'dst unreasonably confine To Worship God , within no Walls but thine , As if the Prayers , from other Temples sent , Of sighing Souls , who faithfully Repent , Were Scorn'd , and by repulsion backward driven , Vanish'd in Air , and reach'd no Ear of Heaven . Where is its Goodness ? What avails its Grace , If our sincere Repentance wants access , Thro' Heav'ns respect to either Time , or Place ? Those measures but our own Projections be , Vnminded of the Great Eternitie , Whose Love Divine moves round the Sinful Ball , To Bless each wretch , who on his Mercies call , Without regard to Place , no matter where , If the Heart 's Contrit , and the Mind Sincere . Our Humble Guide the great Example yields , Who Pray'd and Preach'd in Gardens , Mounts , and Fields : Temples but Sacred from their use became , Our Piety makes any House the same : Where e'er we in th' Almighty's Name repair , Omnipotence hath promis'd to be there . Besides — Our Prayers ( by which all-pitty'ng Heav'n we move , To grant us His inestimable Love , When with true Zeal our Pious Souls are warm'd ) Makes the Place Holy , wheresoe'er perform'd . Dragon . Thou know'st I 'm founded on a fateless Rock , Freed from the danger of an Envious shock , Scripture's my Bass , Immovable I stand , Guarded by Lawful Pow'r , on ev'ry hand . Establish'd by a National Consent , Preach Faith , and Charity , do ills prevent ; And for the Truths I Teach , am made Predominant . Stedfast and Pure , from Innovations free , Preserv'd intire from Mutabillity ; Safe from your Pride , and Envy , Arm'd with Law , To humble stiff Precisians , who withdraw From my Communion , Conscious to agree With Heads uncover'd , or a bended Knee , And think a Bow a rank Idolitry . Religion , like a Prince , tho' ne'er so Pure , By Pow'r to Punish , must be made secure , Or else your Saints , to Reformation given , Would quickly cut Ten Thousand Paths to Heaven . Could I from Factious Insolence be free , And live unstain'd , without an Enemy , ( But that , till thou art crush'd , can never be ) Then Church , and State might happily Unite , To Mankinds Safety , and to Heav'ns Delight : But you , by Pride , are swell'd to such a Rage , ( Fed by the Vice of a Corrupted Age ) That now you strike , with Envy , at my Pow'r , And aim'st above my Sacred Head to tow'r : But all in vain — For that Blest Edifice can never drop , Which , when assail'd , good Heav'n is still the Prop. You urge a Barn , or Stable , where you Meet , A Field , a Coffee-House , Dancing-School , or Street , Are fit for Heav'nly Worship , and for Prayer Sacred , as unpoluted Temples are . Rare Arrogance indeed , so vilely prone , To justify Irreverence to a God-head done . A Room where Men their common Lusts pursue , Drink , Swear , Lye , Cheat , all Worldly-business do , In Christian Reason , is a hopeful Place To beg God's Presence , or expect His Grace ; Whilst His own House , for Holy use ordain'd , To Him Erected , by our Sins unstain'd , Shall be Despis'd , and Unregarded stand , A useless Fabrick , in an Impious Land : Yet do'st thou grumble in oppressive tones , And rail at me for Persecutions . If you , thro' studdi'd Prejudice , retire From what the Laws of God , and Man require , A Legal Force may justly then be us'd ; Such Factious Serpents may in time be bruis'd : My Pow'r's from God , and in His Word declard , To those who to my Laws bear no regard , Heav'ns Punishments are Just , as to the Good Reward . The Scriptures whatsoe'er I Teach contain , What 's Easie I Recite , what 's Hard Explain : Virtue commend to Practice , Sin reprove , Excite to Faith , Hope , Charity , and Love : Obedience , Loyalty , Repentance , Prayer , The use of what we Spend , or what we Spare . Truth I advance , and what is False suppress , You can no more than these , I do no less . Then tell me what strange Feavour in the Head , At first those Superstitious Frenzys bred ? From whence you raise that causeless discontent , Which makes you from my Temples thus Dissent ? Grashopper . Superfluous Rites there are , which you maintain , And hold as Decencies , which I think Vain . Look back upon your boasted Pedigree , One part deriv'd of Romes Idolatry , From whose fantastic Customs you have drawn , Spuare Caps , low Bows , your Surpliss , and your Lawn . Proud Lazy Prelates , with Pluralities , Who speak but by their hair-brain'd Deputies , Whose Iunior Years no Truths obscure can reach ; And seldom are so Wise , as those they Teach . Your Mass-like Service , with your noisie Toots , Of hum drum Organs , Fiddle Faddles and Flutes , Your high-flown Doctrins to advance a State , And Please it , till Vnlawfully made Great , Then turn your Holy Flat'ries to its Fate . These I dislike , from these ( in chief ) Dissent , As quite repugnant to the Lords intent . These are the sumptious Trappings of the Whoar , The Marks and Patches which she always wore . These are her studdi'd , and prevailing Charms , Which , but the looser part of Fancy warms , And draws unwary Youth to her Adult'rous Arms. Dragon . External Order first informs our Sence , And raises in us a due Reverence , Either towards Place , or Person , where we see Concurrent parts , in Noble Form , agree , And tend to a peculiar Harmonie . Or why did the Creator shape the World From a dark Mass , together rudely hurl'd ? But that , in ev'ry part , Mankind should see , The strokes of an Allpow'rful Deity . From whence the light of Faith does first arise , And makes our Reason subject to our Eyes , For ev'ry wond'rous work of Heav'n we see , Gives fresh Assurance of Eternitie ; And by its Graseful Order strikes an Awe , Humbles our Souls , and does Obedience draw , By Natural means , to Heav'n , and Natures Law : Therefore , such decent Rites do I dispense , As best shall Humble , and Affect the Sense ; And in my Sons beget a Graceful Reverence . How Insolent it looks ? How Evil bred , T' approach God's Presence with a Cover'd Head ? Yet to a Great-man Couch , with Hat in Hand , And Bare , before the Wealthy Idol , stand . Or at Devotion so neglectful be , As quite abandon all Humilitie ; And rather than to Bended-knees submit , In disrespectful Postures , Lolling sit . Next , with Church-Government you disagree , And causlesly condemn our Hierarchie : Rail at my Bishops , angry at their State , And Envy them , whose Merit made them Great ; The Learn'd , and Pious Characters they wear , Hath rais'd them to the Dignities they bear . Unstain'd their Lives , they are as Guardians chose , To save the Church from Errour , and from Foes : Without whose Conduct , and Authoritie , Religions Pristine state can never be Kept from Erroneous Innovations free , But stand expos'd to every abuse , That each Fanatick whimsie shall produce . Then sure such Men , who by a Painful Life , ( Thro' Grace ) to Knowledge more sublim'd arive ; And , with the piercing Eyes of Reason , see Thro' all the Mist'ries of Divinitie , Justly deserve a Spiritual advance , Above an unlearn'd , or a half-learn'd Dunce ; Whose rowling Eyes , feign'd Looks , and yawning Jaws , Can nothing utter , but with Hums , and Haughs ; Inspir'd with Ignorance , then roars aloud Audacious Nonsense , to a Brainless Croud : T is these , who from their Cradle are misled , And backward taught , to Factious Pulpits bred , Who , with impetuous vi'lence , headlong run , Pursuing Ills , their Rebel Si'res begun . Thus in their Fathers faults they persevere , And , by Instinct of Nature , envious Dunces are : These , thro' their barren Ignorance , exclaime Against all Order , and the Church defame . Pelting with Factious , and Calumnious Lyes , That Sacred Pow'r , to which they cannot rise : Spurning at all Ecclesiastick Pomp , True Zealous Sons of the detested Rump , Waiting the lucky Minute to be turn'd up Trump . Grashopper . These bald aspersions , from afar you fetch , Serve , but as Bullets , to enlarge the Breach . Why so Disturb'd , so Scornful , and so High ? You 're but a Weather-cock as well as I. Boast of fix'd Fundamentals , yet I find , For Interest , you can Turn with ev'ry Wind. Where 's Right Divine , your Passive , and your Non , The Bubble's once blown up , now , Poh , they 're gon . Where is your Loyalty , so subt'ly shown , Sometimes to th' Prince , and sometimes to the Throne , Sometimes to both , sometimes to ne'er a one : Thus is it Logically plac'd behind So many School-boys Querks , 't is hard to find . When the great Change ( by Heav'ns permition ) try'd Your Churches Doctrine , and her Clergies Pride , Some Conscientious Fools , 't is true , tur●'d out , But all the Wiser Sheepheards fac'd about ; And , like good Men , could blacken and upbraid That sinking Pow'r , for which before they Pray'd . Dragon . Scandal ( as you are wont ) I know you chuse , As the best Weapon , of Offence , to use , Whether , on search , it True , or False be found , No matter which , if you can make it wound . But know my Armour 's temper'd against Fate ; And much to hard , for you to penetrate : The Iron Walls , my treasur'd Truths defend , Reverb'rate all the poisonous balls you send . You charge me with the want of Loyalty , That am the chief support of Monarchy : By my High Priest the Holy Oyl 's apply'd , By me Kings Reign , are Crown'd , and Sanctifi'd ; I am on Earth their Safety , and to Heav'n their Guide . By me the Factious Falshoods are supprest , Scatter'd by restless Rebels , to molest The happy quiet of a Peaceful Reign , Which Traitors Envy , and blind Fools Disdain . Duty to Kings , I to the Public teach , To Loyalty Excite , Perswade , Beseech , That all things to the Throne be easie made , And him thereon be Rev'renc'd , and Obey'd . What are all these , but Marks of Loyaltie , Religious Graces , manifest in me , Virtues , I find , too bright for thy dull Eyes to see . But pray your Reasons to the World impart , Why now you from your old Opinion start . In happy days , when Charles the Scepter swai'd , When base Designs , by you know who , were lai'd , Then all your Awkward , Canting Brood profest 'T was Damnable , the Bread of Life to Tast , Within my Sacred Temple-Walls , but now , What then you held so Dang'rous , you Allow . If Once 't was an Offence so great , we know ( As you maintain'd , full Twenty Years ago ) 'T is Now the same , and Ever will be so . Why do the Grandees of your Leering Tribe , ( Who from rank Dugs their Prejudice imbibe ) So curb their Malice , as Conform of late , And with my Flocks they Envy , Congregate . Oft on a Sabaths Morning have I seen Rich Awful Zealots , of a bulkey Mein , Cheat Heaven , and dissemble with the State , To be by Flatt'ry , and Deceit made Great ; Visit my Temples , seem devout as Saints ; And for their Int'rest , turn base Sicophants : Thus with my Worship , thro' design , agree , And only Mimmick , what they hate to be , To climb , unfairly , to Authoritie . Then , by their own Corrupted Whimsies led , Where the rape meet , and common Ills are bred ; There hear the Church , from whence they came , Lampoon'd , And True Religion , by an Ape Buffoon'd ; Who o'er his Cushion , full of Yawn , and Hum , Stands Gaping like the Bear that beats the Drum. Thus is the Afternoon at Meeting spent , The Morning in the Church , at Sacrament : Rare Pious Christians , full of Faith , and Grace , To thus with Heav'n , dissemble for a Place ; And pawn their Souls to purchase Sword or Mase . If I am Right , and from Mistakes most free , Why do they not Conform intire to me ? If your dark System , they believe most True , Why not alone Communicate with you ? Those who for Int'rest , carry fair with both , Are Just to neither , by their Faith or Troth : But plung'd between two Crimes , to Greatness bent , Erre with the Wrong , and from the Right Dissent . Grashopper . If you make Laws t' eclips my purer light , And rob my Sons , of what 's their native Right , The fault 's not theirs , 't is you incur the blame , The Cunning's on their side , on yours the Shame . Why not by Birth , and Christia● Knowledge free To Riches , Honour , and Authoritie ? Why must these Worldly Comforts rest in you ; Or your Sons count all Pow'r and Place their due ? Why may not mine as well assist the State , And in as great attempts , prove fortunate ? If you such Laws procure , such Pow'r possess , As prove a hind'rance to our happiness , How can you iustly blame us , to evade , And leap o'er all the stumbling-blocks you 've laid ? If you such bars to our Preferments make , As Oaths , and Sacraments , for your own Int'rest sake , It is no crime in us , the same to Break or Take . If you attempt , thro' Pride , to keep us low , And we , thro' Cunning , your designs o'erthrow , Call it not Cozening Heaven , but Out-witting you . Dragon . No Laws can such loose Principles restrain , No force can bind you , but a Golden Chain . Int'rest I find , is the prevailing tye , Makes you Approve , Conform , Dissent , Deny , Oppose the Right , or the Wrong Justisie . Int'rest , from me first made you Seperate , And become Rival to the Church , and State. Int'rest dispos'd you to Intestine Jars , Improv'd to Bloody , and Domestick Wars ; Wherein being flatter'd with unjust success , Trampl'd on Merit , spit in Virtues Face , Riffled the Throne , and stain'd the Judgment-seat , With Crimes too black , and dreadful to repeat ; As if to you , Omnipotence had given , A Sanguine , not a Milky-way to Heaven . Still are your Thoughts by wild Ambition tost , Aiming to gain that Pow'r , you justly lost : At all Ellections , busie are your Brood , Heaving and shoving 'gainst the Public Good. On all Promotions , Zealously intent , Sqneese , Bawl , and Jostle , till their Breaths are spent ; Kick , Cuff , and Scandal ( heedless of the Laws ) Tongues , Feet , and Arms , all working for the Caufe ; To raise some Meager Darling of their own , Faction in whose penurious looks is shown : Rich by meer Chance , or Fraud , not Great by merit grown . Who can Lye , Cant , Dissemble , or Forswear , Declaim against , or hear the Common-Prayer ; Thro' all Opinions Halt , to Lamely reach the Chair . Who can his Conscience , to his Interest mould , Run with the Court , or with the City hold . And without shame , can true Reflections face , Or bear all scandal , with a comely Grace . And will his Pow'r beyond just bounds extend , To injure Foes , or to advance a Friend ; Or any thing will do ; to serve a Factious End. These are the worthy Dolts , your Sons advance , By their false Poles , and double Diligence . These are the Men of merit , they provide , To Row , and Toe , against the Wind and Tide ; Who in Tempestious Discords , they create , Sail quite repugnant to the Church and State : Yet to such outward Godliness seem bent , To Church they 'll come , tho' in their Hearts Dissent : But for no Faith , will either Hang , or Starve , Both God and Mammon , for advancement serve ; Thus seasonably comply , or in fit times can swerve . If such unsteddy Rovers bear Command , Whilst Men of Worth , shall unregarded stand , By Law , and Nature , Qualifi'd for Trust , To something Fix'd , and known in all things Just. I● Men like these , shall be by Fraud put by , And yield their Rights to the Pedantick Fry ; England must soon from all her Greatness fall , And mourn her Ancient Glories Funeral . Which Heaven prevent — And ( that she may once more her Grandure boast ) Retrieve her Virtues , now so nearly lost ; And from all Factious Quarrels , and Despights , Preserve the King , Church , Nation , and our Rights : That in One Faith , we may United be , And accord sweetly , in just Harmonie . FINIS . 
A67503	----	Female policy detected. Or, The arts of a designing woman laid open In maxims proper to be observ'd by all, especially the youth of this nation, to arm themselves against the subtilties and devices of intreiguing women. Divided into six chapters. I. Of their allurements. II. Of their inconstancy. III. Of their love. IV. Of their revenge. V. Of their pride. VI. Of their ingratitude. To which is added, two poems, one in commendation of vertue, the other in dispraise of vice. Dedicated to the apprentices of London. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1695 Approx. 43 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 26 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67503 Wing W734 ESTC R219388 99830866 99830866 35327 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67503) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 35327) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1879:06) Female policy detected. Or, The arts of a designing woman laid open In maxims proper to be observ'd by all, especially the youth of this nation, to arm themselves against the subtilties and devices of intreiguing women. Divided into six chapters. I. Of their allurements. II. Of their inconstancy. III. Of their love. IV. Of their revenge. V. Of their pride. VI. Of their ingratitude. To which is added, two poems, one in commendation of vertue, the other in dispraise of vice. Dedicated to the apprentices of London. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. [10], 38 p. printed for Benj. Harris, at the lower end of Bartholomew-Lane, near the Royal-Exchange, London : 1695. Dedication signed E.W., i.e. Edward Ward. Gathered in 4's. Copy has print show-through. Reproduction of the original in the British Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Women -- Conduct of life -- Early works to 1800. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-05 Jonathan Blaney Sampled and proofread 2003-05 Jonathan Blaney Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion Female Policy DETECTED . Or , The Arts of a Designing Woman LAID OPEN . In Maxims proper to be observ'd by all , Especially the Youth of this Nation , to Arm themselves against the Subtilties and devices of Intreiguing Women . Divided into Six Chapters . I. Of their Allurements . II. Of their Inconstancy . III. Of their Love. IV. Of their Revenge . V. Of their Pride . VI. Of their Ingratitude . To which is add●d , Two POEMS , one in Commendation of Vertue , the other in Dispraise of Vice. Dedicated to the Apprentices of LONDON . London , Printed for Benj. Harris , at the Lower end of Bartholomew 〈◊〉 , near the Royal-Exchange , 1695. THE Epistle Dedicatory TO THE Apprentices of LONDON . WE may observe the Happiness or Unhappiness that waits upon this Life , are most commonly owing to the Vigilent and Industrious , or the careless and ungovern'd Actions of our Youth ; and as the former lays a probable Foundation , upon which ( by a continued Care ) we may build our succeeding Fortunes to a comfortable height , so the latter robs us of that Substance upon which we ought ( for our Security ) to place the Pedestal of our future Prosperity : And as there is nothing tends more to the Destruction of Youth , or renders them more incapable of considering their own Welfare , than the Conversation of Intrieguing Women : I thought , Young Men , I could not do you a greater Service in this Age , where to tempt cunningly , and deceive slily , are the Study of the Female Sex , than present you with a small Pocket-piece , which shall serve as Armour to defend you from the Darts thrown from Wanton and Designing Women , whose evil Communication corrupts good Manners , and will make you ( if deluded by them ) Disobedient to the Laws of GOD , undutiful Children to your Parents , unjust Servants to your Masters , ill Husbands ( when you Marry ) to your Wives , ba● Fathers to your Children , Enemies to your Countrey , and Slaves to others , as well as to your own Vices . There is nothing more evident , than that several Young Men in this City of London have been drawn aside , to their Ruin , by the attractive Sorcery of these bewitching Load-stones , which having been observ'd of late by the Right Honourable the Mayors , and other the Iustices of London , that they have been so commendably Industrious in suppressing this Vice , within the Bounds of their Jurisdiction , that it is a hard matter for a Night-walking Strumpet to strole through the City unpunish'd . The Magistrates have done their Parts , and nothing is requir'd further , ( for the more effectual Promotion of the City's Glory ) but your Care to avoid the Lust and Subtilty of those private Madams , whose gay Apparel , and false Pretence to Modesty , gives them Covert in reputable Families , where they heard with the Vertuous , declaim against the Vices of the Age , and seem to wonder at that Wickedness in others , which themselves do practice daily , to maintain their Pride . I have therefore Taught you how to know these Vultures in Peacocks Plumes , and how to avoid them , and how to converse with them without Prejudice in the following Treatise , which I dedicate to your View , and commend to your Practice , as you are the Flower of our Nation , and Glory of the Metropolis ; to whom I Subscribe my self Your most Humble Servant , E. W. THE PREFACE . THE Study of Designing Women in all Ages having been to Improve , and set off Nature with such Artificial Charms , alluring Dresses , and resistless Glances , that most of our Youth , before they have shifted of the tender years of their Infancy , are subdued by their Pollitick Inducements , to their Ruinous Embraces , which are frequently succeeded by irrecoverable Injuries , either to Estate or Person , if not Both , except withdrawn Timely , ( by Prudence ) from this Epidemical Folly. I have therefore thought it necessary , to present the Age ( in this following Treatise ) with a fair Prospect of the Dangers that wait on the Conversation of Intreiguing Women : With a Scheme of their Allurements , Subtile Stratagems and Devices , by which they oft Trepan Unwary Youth , into a State of Misery . I have not only ( in brief Sentences ) laid open the studied Policies , and cunning Delusions of the Female Sex , but have given such Maxims of Prudence , that shall Arm you against their Subtilties , and teach you to act Counter to all their Designs , though laid and carried on with the greatest Cunning and Industry . As Vertue is better understood by Expeperience than Precept , so the knowledge of Vice is better gain'd by Precept than Experience ; and as all things are distinguished by their Contraries , so it is necessary to be acquainted with the latter , to compare it as a Foyl , to set off the true Lustre and Beauty of the former . In the Performance of my Task , I have been as Compendious as possible ; so that I hope I shall neither offend the Judgment , or Trespass much upon the Patience of the Reader , but rather furnish him with such Rules and Maxims , ( against Designing Women ) that shall be delightful to Read , easie to Remember , and very proper to Practice . There are few Persons , who have been reduced from a Plentiful Fortune , into a State of Necessity , but the World may observe , Women have always had the greatest share in their Ruin ; Therefore , to be fortified against Female Policy , is a matter of no small Moment ; and he that is without these Prudentials , is not a day secure of either his Estate or Person , from the Gripes of a Female Vulture , but is lyable to be Trick'd into such Labyrinths of Misfortune , where you will find no Clue to return by to his former Liberty . All that I entreat of the Youthful Reader , is , to peruse it without Prejudice , and make it useful to himself , and I will engage , he may at Eighteen or Twenty Years of Age , evade the Designs , resist the Temptations , and withstand the Sorcery of those Crafty Witches , better than most Men ( without it ) shall be able to do at Forty . I do not intend any affront to the Chast or Vertuous , nor would I have them offended at my Vndertaking , for may Design is rather to raise them to such an Esteem , that n●ne should have Title to Love or Admiration , but such Women , whose affection to Vertue , and resolutions against Vice , shall oblige them to be Faithful . And if the Reader will observe the Rules I have laid down , he shall know how to Judge , and how to Choose ; To Instruct him in which , is the end of the following Treatise . FEMALE POLICY Detected &c. CHAP. I. Of the Allurements of Women . OF all Vices , an unlawful Fredom with the Female Sex is the most predominant , and , of all Sins , hath the most powerful Temptations and Allurements to betray and draw Men into this Folly. The Inducements of the Fair Sex are so prevailing , a Propensity in Nature so forcible , it is hard to stand unmov'd , when tempted forward by the Charms of a subtle Woman , and drove by the frail Desires of an unbounded Lust. But as there is not Passion too strong to be conquer'd , or Temptation too great to be resisted ; so if you will observe the Maxims I shall give you in this little Treatise , you will be arm'd against Beauty ; make Love your Subject , and all the Subtilties of the Fair Sex shall truckle , and become Instruments of your Direction , instead of your Ruin. Be careful how you conceive too good an Opinion of a Woman at first Sight , for you see not the Woman truly , but her Ornaments . Paint , Patches , and fine Dresses , are to hide Defects ; for Beauty , like Truth , is always best when Plainest . Many in rich Ornaments look inviting , whose Beauty , when they undress , flies away with their Apparel , and leaves you ( as Iuno did Ixion ) nothing but a cloudy Mistress to embrace . If you like a Woman , and would discover if she be in Nature , what perhaps she may seem by Art , surprize her in a Morning undrest , and it is Ten to One , but you will find your Goddess hath shifted off her Divinity , and the Angel you so much admired turn'd into a Magmallion . Be always Jealous of a Maid , who extols her own Vertue ; a Wife , who exclaims against her Husband in his Absence ; and a Widow , that courts your Company ; for when a Woman praises her Vertues , 't is as a Shop-keeper does a Commodity , with a desire to be rid of it ; and she that will lay open the Failings of her Husband to another , will , to the same Man , lay open her self whenever he shall require it of her ; and when a Widow seems fond of your Conversation , be sure 't is through design ; and if you are not careful , she will bury you alive . Be not tempted to pick up any Woman in the Street ; but if you should , be sure you have one Eye before you , and another behind you ; for wheresoever Lust leads , Danger follows . Covet not the Presents of a fond Woman , for they are Baits left to insnare you , and while you think you are a gainer by her Gifts , you are loosing your Self . Whoever is trepann'd by a Woman's Smiles , is as a Fly hampered in a Cobweb , who waits the Leasure of the Spider when he shall be devoured . He that serves the Lust of a Woman , makes himself her Monkey ; for she admires him no longer than while he is playing with his Tail. Be careful how you live upon a Whore , as how you keep one ; for by the former you will get nothing , and by the latter loose every thing you have got . Mistrust a Woman that seems Rich by her own Discourse ; for she that talks much of her Fortune , hath generally but little . Think not every Woman Rich that wears gay Apparel ; for many forfeit their Vertue , to maintain their Pride . Build not too great a Faith upon the sight of a few Guineas , or a Gold Watch , these may be but shooing Horns , to draw you on to your Ruin. Believe no Man's Affirmation of a Woman's Fortune , unless you know him ; for Designs are never carry'd on without Abettors . Be sure of her Portion , though you take her Vertue upon Credit ; but he that takes both upon Trust , may find , when too late , he hath neither to trust to . Endeavour not to continue a Woman's Love by Gifts , for every Present you make her may be the Purchase of a Rival : besides , they love Gifts , and if you use them to it , they will Love you no longer than you are giving . Believe not hte trivial Favours of a Woman a demonstration of her Love ; for they pride to be Belov'd , though it be by those they Scorn . Raise not an Opinion of your self upon the Flatteries of a Woman , nor think her Praises any sign of Love , but of her Cunning ; for Designing Women , like great Polititians , flatter them most they design to Ruin. 〈◊〉 no Woman charm you with the Musick of a smo●●h Tongue ; for many can talk well , that act ill . Believe no Woman the more Virtuous for resisting the first Attempt ; for , like besieged Towns , they will withstand several Efforts , and , at last , Surrender upon Capitulartion . Some Women ( like strong Holds ) are to be taken but one way , which if you cannot readily discover , be content , she her self will find ways to direct you , if she likes you . When a lewd Woman serves your Necessity , 't is with a certain expectancy you should serve her Lust : her Kindnesses are measured by your Capacity , and a continuance of her Favours dwell upon the Repetition of your Performances ; she will stretch her Purse-strings to support you in Extravagancy , if you strain as hard to supply her unbounded Leachery ; but be sure she will be your Servant no longer than you will remain her Drudge . Who is Stallion to a Whore , is a Slave to Iniquity , and a Champion to anothers Vices , a Coward in a Good Cause , and a Curse to himself . Let no Woman tempt you by her Wit to Love her ; for she who hath Wit enough to tempt you , hath enough to deceive you . Suffer not your self to be Ensnared by a Woman over free in her Gestures , or Conversation ; for whosoever is much active in Behaviour , behaves her self like a Lover of much action ; and whoever is free in much Company , will be much freer when but Two together . Think not the Amorous Glances of a Woman towards you , gives you Title to her Affection ; for they can look one way , when their Hearts are another . Expect no good Quality in a Woman more than what she shows ; for it is a Maxim in their Politicks , to put the best side outward . If you Love a Woman , be careful how you show it ; for your Nibbling at the Bait , may too early discover a willingness to be Caught . Wast not your Strength in the Enjoyments of Beauty , neither your Time or Money in Corrupting Vertue ; but Marry a Chast Wife , of a Good Family , with a Moderate Fortune , and you need not question being Happy . CHAP. II. Of the Inconstancy of Women . WHosoever resigns her Vertue , to gratify anothers Lust , will not scruple the same freedom with another , to Pleasure her own ; for few Women Love so well , as to Love a Gallant better than themselves . She who will lose her Reputation to Oblige you , will Hazard your Love to Gratify her self ; and she that will do both , can never be Constant. Put no Confidence in a Woman that hath lost her Honour ; for she who is without Reputation , hath nothing to engage her to be Faithful . Constancy is maintain'd by Vertue , and she who hath lost her Vertue , hath nothing left to oblige her to be Constant . She that preferrs Pleasure before Vertue , will be Constant to her Lust , but not to you . Nothing engages a Mans Affection so much to a Woman , as a belief of her Constancy ; but 't is better to believe her otherways , for then she can never Deceive you . Women are sensible that Constancy is more priz'd than Beauty ; but it is a Maxim among their Sex , to Deceive us most in what we most Value . Nothing is more Ridiculous than to keep a Miss ; for the that you keep , will keep another if she can ; there being the same Ambition in her to be Mistriss of another , as there is in you to be Master of her : and he that thinks a Woman Constant , because he keeps her , proves a Knave to himself , and a Fool to his Madam . Put no Faith in a Woman that is Wife to another ; for she who is not Constant to her Husband , will never be so to you . A Woman who hath a Husband , and will admit of a Gallant , let him look upon her as Faithful as Monsieur Raggou's Mistriss , who was Constant to the whole Troop . A Married Woman , if Lewd , is Subtle by Experience ; for she who hath her Husband to Deceive every Day , can Deceive a Gallant at Leisure . A Durable Love is the Supporter of Constancy ; but that Love can never be Lasting which stands on a False Bottom . Be Constant to no Woman but a Wife , if you be , you Deceive your self ; expect no Constancy in a Whore , for she 'll deceive you . Credit no Womans Words who hath lost her Vertue , but believe the contrary , for she talks Counter . If you have Contracted any Friendship with a Woman , let all she can do for you be no more than you deserve ; but if she prove Constant , let it be more than you expect . Think not a Woman is most Faithful to him she is most Fond off ; for to him the Deceives most , she seems always most Obliging . Believe not all to be Virgins that talk much of their Virginity ; for all would seem Maids that have been made otherwise . To one , a Woman may be Constant ; but if she divides her Affections between two , she can be Constant to neither . If you are Familiar with anothers Wife , believe her not , when she says she knows none but her Husband and you ; for she will Swear to her Husband , she knoweth none but himself . Credit nothing a Woman says , as to her Constancy or Vertue ; for she will judify her Innocence before him , with whom she hath been Guilty . Love no Woman in the Absence of her Husband ; you only stop a Gap for another , who will return you no thanks for your Labour ; and remember , his Approach , will be your Distance . If you Love a Woman , Conceal it , Oblige her with common Courtesies , but show no Passion ; for by your Prudence you may Master her , to whom a discovery of your Love will make you become a Servant . Measure a Womans Love by her Jealousy ; for she Loves him best of whom she is most Jealous , and of whom she is most Jealous , to him she is most Constant. Be Jealous of a Woman that wo'nt be Jealous of you ; for she that won't be Jealous , Loves you not ; and she that Loves you not , will never be Constant to you . Answer all the expectations of a Woman you would keep Constant ; for one single neglect hazards the loss of her Affections . Keep a Watchful Eye over the Woman which you Love , seem not to be over Credulous of her Vertue , if you do , she will make tryals of your Faith. She who Kisses her Husband in Publick , hath generally her Eyes upon him she would Kiss in Private ; and she that will Kiss both in Publick and Private , values not where she Kisses . Be Constant to your Wife , that she may be Constant to you ; for Gratitude may constrain a Woman to preserve those Bonds which Revenge may make her violate . Chuse for your Wife a Prudent Woman ; for Prudence preserves Vertue , Vertue Love , and Love Constancy . Inconstancy in a Wife makes Wedlock a Bramble , which bears Abundance of Thorns . Inconstancy in a Husband makes Inconstancy in a Wife ; and an inconstant Wife makes a Husband a constant Cuckold . Trust no Man with your Wife Abroad , nor court your Friend to bear her Company at Home in your Absence ; for Opportunity and Importunity may conquer the most Heroick Vertue . Carry no Man to your Mistress if you prize her ; for if she loves you , she will be civil to your Friend for your Sake . 'T is the Policy of a Designing Woman to oblige the Friend of him that loves her , to acquaint her self , by that means , with his Affairs , that she may manage him the better . Most Women are of cold Constitutions , and under the Dominion of the Moon ; and , remember , 't is an approved Maxim , That all Sublunary things are subject to Mutation . Constancy is a great Vertue , and its opposite is a dangerous Vice ; whoever neglects the former , to practice the latter , is neither to be Belov'd or Trusted . 'T is Good to be Wise , 't is Wisdom to be Just , and Just to be Constant. CHAP. III. Of the Love of Women . THE Love of a Woman is easie to be gain'd , but difficult to be preserv'd ; you may with more facility subdue Vertue , and bring a Chast Woman to your Embraces , than engage her to be Constant , after she hath resign'd her Honour . 'T is a receiv'd Opinion among their whole Sex , That the Passion of Love ceases in a Man after Enjoyment , and the Esteem he had before of her Person is much lessen'd by her Condescention to his Desires , which Conception occasions her to withdraw her Affections from you , ( unless every Hour you confirm her in a different Faith by fresh Assurances ) coveting to be Belov'd by some Body who hath a good Opinion of her Vertues ; for there is nothing more certain , that Women who have been deceiv'd themselves , take a secret Delight in Deceiving others ; therefore , you that are the Deceivers , be careful you are not Deceiv'd . The Love of a Virgin is innocent and lasting , as her Vertue . The Love of a Just Wife friendly and delightful . The Love of a Widow politick and deceitful . The Love of a Lewd Woman lustful and revengeful . If you are the Favourite of a Lady , and depend upon her Courtesies , you must be industrious to oblige her , and as watchful to preserve her from the Efforts of Rivals , or you will soon find your Mistress like a Pot-Gun , the last Pellet she receives will drive out the former . Simpathize not with a Woman who loves you Passionately ; for as she finds your Love encreases , she will cool her own with the Assurance of yours . If you have gain'd a Woman's Love , and would preserve it , be sure be constant in your Visits , or you will find most Women have so bad Memories , that a Weeks Absence will make them quite forget you . The Love of a Woman hath its Seasons , like the Year , its Spring , Summer , Autumn and Winter . It begins with a warm desire , and is nourished to a grearer heat , by the kind Influence of the Object , till the Harvest of her Joys are full ripe ; but when the Fruits of her Affections are reap'd and gather'd , you will soon perceive some sharp Breezes , as Signs of an approaching Winter . The Love of a Chast Woman will be continued towards you as long as you behave your self well ; but the Love of a Woman who hath lost her Vertue , is but during Pleasure . Love a Woman with Moderation that loves you to an excess ; her Passion will naturally reduce it self to the same Equality , for no Extreams are lasting , and then you have the Advantage , for the Continuance of a little Love shews a constant Temper , and looks friendly and obliging , when a Passion cooled to the same Indifferency will look slighting and neglective ; besides , he that loves a Woman too much , is apt to love himself too little . Depend not on the Love of a lewd Woman , 't is a Reed will soon deceive you , her Love is intangled with her Lust ; to continue the one , is to be a Slave to the other ; and rather than be that , I would share the Punishment of Cesaphus . Secure not your Love to a Woman by Oaths or Protestations ; for she will then think you have bound your self to continue that Respect which would be otherwise her Care and Study to merit and preserve . Let not the Protestations of a Woman's Love to you be a President for you to follow , though you Love her , for she does it purely to tempt you to give in the same Security , that she may have the more to upbraid you with whenever you shall prove false . If you are Belov'd by a Person you cannot Marry , whom you are willing to secure to your own Embraces , draw what you can from her by Insinuations ; the more you get , the faster you bind her ; she will not part with that easily , she hath purchas'd dearly ; and the more you cost her , the more she 'll prize you . The Love of a Virgin is much to be pitied ; the Love of a Wife highly to be valued ; but the Love of a Vitious Woman deserves neither ; for she will Love any that will serve her Lust. Give no Encouragement to the Love of anothers Wife ; for it is Lustful in the beginning , Treacherous all along , and Dangerous in the end . Love is a Distemper will wade through the greatest Difficulties to obtain a Cure ; he that is the Phisician may exact what Fees he pleases ; therefore , do you be careful how you become the Patient . Seraphick Love , is the Bliss of Angels ; mutual Love , the Comfort of Mankind ; natural Love , the Chain of the World ; but Lustful Love , the Mother of Misfortune . To Love a Wife , is our Duty ; to Love a Friend , our Interest ; but to Love a Curtizan , is a dangerous Venture . CHAP. IV. Of the Malice and Revenge of Women . OF all Passions , that of Revenge is the most opposite to Reason and good Humour ; it will so far blind and deceive the Judgment , that Persons under this Madness value not what Injuries they do themselves , in rashly attempting some trifling Prejudice to an Adversary . This Passion in Women springs frequently from the envenom'd Seeds of Corrupted Love , ( as the best Wines once turn'd become the sharpest Vinegar ) and is so predominant in this Sex , that they value nothing they do to accomplish those ends in which the Sweetness of their Revenge is center'd ; and as they love to extreams , every little neglect they construe a great Slight , and through their Weakness , mistake Accident often for Design , and fling themselves , by their own Whimsies and Conceits , into an evil Opinion of Persons which they Love. Thus , oftentimes , they let their own Jealousies pass for Realities , and sowre their Affections into a sharp Revenge , without a just Occasion , turning Furies to those they Lov'd , through a fanciful Ingratitude , which I conceive to be the chief Reason why Women are much more Subject to this Passion than Men ; therefore , covet no Woman's Love , but whom you will be diligent to Oblige ; for a small neglect is taken by them as a great Ingratitude . Deal with a Revengeful Woman , as with a Hand-Granado , which you cast from you as soon as the Fuse is lighted , lest it burst , to the Prejudice of him that fir'd it . Have no Familiarity with her you have highly disoblig'd , least ( Bee-like she stings you with her Tail. She who once Lov'd you , and is turn'd your Enemy , look upon her always to be so ; be not deluded by her Flatteries , to give it into her Power to hurt you ; for Women , though they seem to forget a Wrong they have been forced to suffer , yet you will find they have good Memories when they have Power to revenge it . Trespass not on the Affections of a Woman who Loves you to Excess ; for Women , ( like Ale ) if over Sweet , will turn sowre the sooner . Take not always a Womans Frowns as Slights , nor her Smiles as a sure Argument of her Love ; for every time the Sun is clouded , it does not predict soul Weather , and when it shines out a Storm may be near at hand : Women can dissemble their Passions , and change their Looks , as a Scorpion can its Colour . A Woman's Love turn'd into Revenge , is like Wine turn'd to Vinegar , which can never be reduced to its primitive Goodness , but will always remain Sowre till its dead . Nothing is so Revengeful as an injured Woman ; for which Reason , the Poets have ordered the Furies to be put up in the Feminine Gender . The Love of a Vertuous Woman is a great Blessing ; but if once lost by Ingratitude , you will find she will turn her Love that could not last , into a Revenge that will. Shun a Woman that 's your Enemy ; for every time she sees you it puts her upon fresh Mischiefs . If you have dealt Ingratefully by a Woman , converse with none that respect her , lest at some time or other it should happen to your Prejudice . The Passion of an Envious Woman is virulent , and Flattery the only Antidote to expell the Poyson : To dissemble , shows more Prudence than to aggravate ; by the one , you may pacifie the Fury of fermented Spirits , when the other will beget in your Enemy fresh Resolutions of further Mischiefs . Be Merciful to those you can over-power ; but Flatter such Enemies you cannot Conquer ; for Revenge ( though sweet to those who seek it ) is always bitter to the Sufferers . Some Women are so politickly Penitent after a Revenge compleated , they will palliate the Injury with succeeding Pity ; but think the Sorrow of such a Person as great as hers , who ( weeping ) follows a dead Husband to the Grave , whom she hath wish'd out of the World a Thousand Times whilst he was Living . Changes in inconstant Tempers are never to be minded ; she who does you a wilful Injury , and seems Sorry for it , it is your Prudence to believe she only grieves , that the Mischief she hath done you is no greater . Trust an Enemy who hath once hurt you , upon a Reconciliation , no further than you would the Fawning of a Mastiff Dog who hath attempted to worry you . Most Women are Politick in their Love , but much more Subtle in their Revenge ; therefore , be careful how you affront them or deceive them to deserve it : besides , 't is Ignoble to offend the Pevish , or to hurt the Weak . Make not her that Loves you , by Ingratitude , your Enemy ; nor let not the Ingratitude of whom you Love excite you to be hers ; for Revenge ( like a Crab-Tree ) produces a sweet Blossom , but a sowre Fruit. CHAP. V. Of the Pride of Women . STateliness in a Woman may become her as she walks ; but Pride in Conversation is hateful and ridiculous , and exposes the Persons affected with it to the Censures of the Company in such awker'd Gestures , and uncouth Behaviours , such peremptory Sentences , and impertinent Loquacities , that offends both the Eyes and Ears of all that have either Modesty or Prudence . Nothing shows the want of Judgment more than Female Pride , which is ( doubtless ) nourish'd by the vain Conceits of their own Perfections , and begets such a Self-Love , grounded upon Self-Opinion , that they look upon their whole Sex beside with Envy and Contempt , and like Narcissas , daily dote on the Reflection of their own imaginary Excellencies . Cast not your Eyes too often upon such Women , for they are chargable Mistresses , implacable Wives , and ill Mothers to your Children . A Proud Woman , like an imprudent Prince , always Love him best by whom she is most slatter'd . If you Aim at the Favours of a Lofty Dame , you must highly extol her Person and her Parts , and conceed with her Opinion in all things , though ne'er so opposite to Reason ; for Flattery and Humility must be the Supporters of your Interest . Let Pride in a fine Woman anticipate your Admiration ; for never admire her who admires her self too much ; conceive her as a large Looking-Glass crack'd , by which single defect is rendred of small Value , by reason it can ne'er be mended . Pride in a Witty Woman , is like a Whet-stone to a Scyth , it only serves to sharpen her Reflections , and makes her a more dangerous Weapon for a Man to meddle with . A Proud Woman , like a stately Horse , must be rid with a Curb , and manag'd with a streight Rein , or she will soon be the Bane of her Rider . If you Marry a Haughty Woman , you ought to have a good Estate ; for you will find , a Proud Wife , in a low Station , will be an uncomfortable Companion , and the first in Adversity that shall lend a h●lping Hand to your Ruin. Pride in a Friend is dangerous , in a Mistress chargable , but in a Wife an implacable Torment . Many Women have forfeited their Vertue , to gratifie their Lust , but more to maintain their Pride ; and Lust , though it will make a Woman a Whore , yet 't is Pride that makes her Mercenary . Many Women have Vertue enough to resist the bare Attempts of Familiarity ; but few that can stand against the powerful Charms of Gold , fine Dresses , Coach and Horses , and Attendance . It is Grandeur influences Pride , and leads Ambition by the Nose through the worst of Vices ; for there are many who are honestly Poor by constraint , who would willingly commit any Evil to be Rich. That Vertue is never Safe which is under the Guardian-ship of Pride ; the latter will be maintain'd , though the former is sacrifie'd to support it . He that hath a Proud Woman to his Wife is like an Oak begirt with Ivy , he Suffers himself to be Embraced by that which will bring him to his Ruin. When Ambition leads the Van , the whole Body of Vice follows ; and where-ever you see Pride in the Front , be sure Lust Marches in the Rear . Pride in a Beautiful Woman is like a Flaw in a Diamond , it lessens the Value , Spoils the Lustre , and Remains Incurable . He that Marries a Proud Wife is as unhappy as a Prince who hath a Rebellious Nation to Govern , as the latter must grant every Petition of the People to secure Peace in his Kingdom , so must the former every request of his Wife to preserve the same in his Family . Of all Imperfections in a Woman , Pride is the most Intollerable , for that is hardest to be excused , which is never to be mended . Pride in a Wife , makes a Husband appear little ; it oft-times compels him to Submit , where he hath right to Govern . He that hath a Prudent Wife , hath a Guardian Angel by his Side , but he that hath a Proud Wife , hath the Devil at his Elbow . A Proud Woman is an Imperious Wife , an Undutiful Daughter , an Implacable Mistriss , a Harsh Mother , and a Sawcy Servant . Pride is the Parent of Iniquity , the Innovator of Vice , the Seed of Rebellion , and the Rise of Faction . Pride lost Mankind their Paradice , the World its Peace , and made a Devil of an Angel. CHAP. VI. Of the Ingratitude of Women . LET no Man deceive himself with the Expectancy of Gratitude in a Mercenary Woman ; for she , who for Suks and Satins , or a splendid Maintenance , will submit to your Pleasure , and swear Constancy to her Keeper , shall be first that forsakes you in a declining Condition ; and though she hath built a Provision for her self out of the Ruins of your Fortune , yet she shall be the last Person that shall lend you the least Assistance when your Occasions shall most require it ; Therefore , look upon whatsoever you give such a Woman to he buried , as in a deep Sea , from whence no Returns can be expected . If you love a Woman , be not deluded by her trifling Presents to make chargable Returns , for that 's the Aim of her Policy . Let not a Point Cravat , because 't is her own Working , give her Title to a Settlement out of your Estate , lest while your Mistriss extols your Gratitude , the World laughs at your Folly. Giving Presents to a Woman to secure her Love , is as Vain as the Endeavouring to fill a Ceive with Water ; for you may continue Giving the one , and Pouring into the other , till the last Trump sounds , e're you find the one the Faster , or the other the Fuller . The Gratitude of a Mercinary Woman lies only in her Tayl , with it she dissolves all Obligations , and will still be a Gainer even when the Debt's Paid . Whoever blames a Woman for her Ingratitude , is equally culpable for Trusting her with the Power to prove so ; for Love with Moderation , keeps a close Heart and a wary Hand , and her Ingratitude can never hurt you . Debauch no Virgin to maintain her after , lest you are serv'd as a Gentleman , who having wasted his Fortune in the extravagant Support of a Young Gentlewoman whom he had first desil'd , sent his Man to her upon a particular Exigence , to desire her to lend him Ten Guinea's ; to which she answer'd , Pray present my Service to your Master , and tell him when he hath made me amends for the Vertue he hath forc'd from me , I shall be glad to Oblige him ; but I wonder he should think I would lend Money to him who hath rob'd me already of that which admits of no Restitution , but for ever continues him my Debtor . Therefore , corrupt no Virgin , or the Surrender of her Vertue to your ●mbraces , will remain upon you as a perpertual Obligation , and serve her at all times to excuse the highest Ingratitude , or the greatest Injury she shall act against you : besides , the World shall condemn you under all the Mischiefs you shall suffer by her means , crying , you were first her Ruin , and all the Evils she can do you is no more than you deserve . Love is the Legature that binds a Woman to Gratitude ; she that Loves you , will gratefully accept , and generously return the lest Favour that shall signalize the Affection of the Giver ; but a Designing Woman esteems the Donor by his Presents , and not the Presents by the Donor . She that hath a Design upon you , will first oblige you with some engaging Courtesie to become her Debter ; but be careful of those Women who are generous in the Beginning , lest you pay , with your Ruin , for their Kindness in the End. Ingratitude is said to be worse than the Sin of Witchcraft , and he that trusteth a Woman he hath once found Ingrateful , is worse than bewitch'd . Court not a Reconciliation with a Woman who hath once deciv'd you , lest she triumphs over your Submission , and makes von become an Ass to bear the Luggage of her Infirmities . To a Woman you Love , behave your self boldly , and with freedom , tho' justly and respectful , for a Manly Carriage will awe her to be grateful , when a cringing fondness may occasion her to presume on your good nature . In Commendation of Vertue . VErtue , thou Ornament of Humane Life , That Crowns the Virgin , and Adorns the Wife , From thy Blest Treasure of Contentments flow All the true Blessings we enjoy below . Those Sweet Delights , which in thy Bosom dwell , Rise up in Springs , and into Rivers swell , Which know no Ebb , or Storm , but free from Noise , Flow Calmly in a constant Tide of Joys : Thou bring'st Contentment to the Meanest Birth , And gives us Taste of Heaven here on Earth : From whence , thro' Christal Innocence , we see A pleasing Prospect of Eternity ; Where Angels , to receive the Vertuous , wait , And bid them Welcome to a Happier State. When Vice hath drest her Wanton Daughters Head , With Tresses loose , in Airy Modes Displaid . Complection heighten'd , and improv'd by Paint , And all the Arts that Pride could e're invent : Yet Vertue in plain Coif , adorn'd no way By Nature , looks so Innocently Gay : She in her Home spun Garbshines brighter far than they . As Precious Gems , of which the India's boast , The plainer set , the greater Lustre cast . Vertue , like Beauty , wants no Study'd Smile , But of it self shines bright without a Foil . Could the Corrupted World but truly tast The Sweet Delights which Vicious Actions Blast , Their Lewd Excesses they 'd repeat no more , Their Counterfeit Enjoyments soon give o'er To Gaze at Vertues Beams , and the Chast Dame Adore . 'T is she emboldens us to fear no Fate , And gives Contentment to the meanest State. Closely Embrac'd , she Blesses each Degree With a Calm Mind , from Perturbations free , And , by Content , Improves Felicity . Would all Mankind her pleasing foot-steps tread , Which do to Truth , and all Perfections lead , Sexes would join , as Angels do above , Not to Fulfil their Lust , but Seal their Love. In Dispraise of Vice. WIth what reproachful Blushes do the Wise , Those Follies , which the Age embrace , despise , With Wonder and Contempt they Gaze to see Vertue thus Sacrific'd to Leachery , By the Sly Snares of Female Policy . What strange Temptations draw the World aside , To Embrace Vice , and Vertues Charms deride : As Thieves and Ruffians , who abhor the Light , Shun the Bright Day , and seek the Gloomy Night , Tell me , mistaken Souls , what Baits allure From Vertues Paths , so pleasing and so sure , Where no deep Sloughs , or dangerous Bogs are found , But sundry Prospects of Delight all round ; who 'd quit so happy , so secure a Road , To Wade along in Filthiness and Mud. Where Paths so rugged are , Friend Jossels Friend , Each for Precedency in Vice contend , But Sorrow is ( alas ) their Journeys end . So is the unweary Traveller betray'd , When by an Ignis Fatnus misled 'Mong Brakes and Pools , from whence the treach'rous Guide Flies undiscern'd , and doth his Tapor hide , Leaving the Wand'ring Wretch quite void of Light , Expos'd to all the Accidents of Night . Thus fare the Unhappy Mortals , who receed From Vertues Paths , the tracts of Vice to tread , Where Fears and Cares each Wanton step succeed . Look at the Monster Vice with Steddy Eye , Who thus devours the Worlds Tranquility , You may discern the Beast in ev'ry part , By Nature Black , tho' Whiten'd o're by Art ; As Strumpets , when Distemper'd and Unclean , Paint Fair their outsides when most Foul within , Vice , thou Black Parent of Revenge and Strife , Thou Shame of Humane Race , and Sting of Life , By thy Rank Bowels every ill is fed , From thee all Rapes and Villanies proceed ; Ambition , Envy , Lust Adultery , Murder , Rebellion , every Infamy , Have all their Birth and Nourishment from thee . Shun the Dark Fiend , and its alluring Toys , Reject its Trifles and Embrace true Joys ; Which if you 'll find , choose Vertue for your Guide , Woo the kind Dame , and keep her by your side , Kiss her Soft Lips , and Wed her for your Bride . FINIS . 
A67504	----	A frolick to Horn-fair with a walk from Cuckold's-point thro' Deptford and Greenwich. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1700 Approx. 60 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67504 Wing W735 ESTC R854 12880782 ocm 12880782 94930 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67504) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 94930) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 904:38) A frolick to Horn-fair with a walk from Cuckold's-point thro' Deptford and Greenwich. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 16 p. Printed and sold by J. How ..., London : 1700. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Advertisement: p. [2] Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Satire, English -- Early works to 1800. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-04 Jennifer Kietzman Sampled and proofread 2003-04 Jennifer Kietzman Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion A FROLICK TO HORN-FAIR . With a WALK from CUCKOLD's-POINT THRO' Deptford and Greenwich . LONDON , Printed and Sold by I. How , in the Ram-Head-Inn-Yard in Fanchurch-Street , 1700. Books Sold by J. How , in the Ram-Head-Inn-Yard in Fanchurch-Street ; J. Weld , at the Crown between the Temple-Gates in Fleet-street ; and Mrs. Fabian , at Mercers-Chappel in Cheapside . 1. SOt's Paradise : Or the Humours of a Derby-Ale-House : With a Satyr upon the Ale. Price Six Pence . 2. A Trip to Iamaica : With a True Character of the People and Island . Price Six Pence . 3. Eclesia & Factio . A Dialogue between Bow-Steeple-Dragon , and the Exchange-Grashopper . Price Six Pence . 4. The Poet 's Ramble after Riches . With Reflections upon a Country Corporation . Also the Author's Lamentation in the time of Adversity . Price Six Pence . 5. The London Spy , the First , Second , Third , Fourth , Fifth , Sixth , Seventh , Eighth , Ninth , Tenth , and Eleventh Parts . To be Continued Monthly . Price Six Pence Each . 6. A Trip to New-England . With a Character of the Country and People , both English and Indians . Price Six Pence . 7. Modern Religion and Ancient Loyalty : A Dialogue . Price Six Pence . 8. The World Bewitch'd . A Dialogue between Two Astrologers and the Author . With Infallible Predictions of what will happen in this Present Year , 1699. From the Vices and Villanies Practis'd in Court , City and Country . Price Six Pence . 9. A Walk to Islington : With a Description of New Tun-Bridge-VVells , and Sadler's Musick-House . Price Six Pence . 10. The Humours of a Coffee-House : A Comedy . Price Six Pence . All Written by the same Author . A FROLICK TO HORN-FAIR . WHEN the near approach of Horn-Fair had Conjur'd up the Spirit of Cuckoldome in the Dissatisfied Minds of abundance of City-Wives , who have Just Reason to Complain of the Unkind Usage , and sl●nder Performances of either their Drowsie , Lazy , Morose , Insufficient , or Superannuated Husbands , I happen'd ( from the Hands of a sorrowful young Lady , who had griev'd for some time under the Weakness and Imbecility of an Infirm Husband ) to receive this following SVMMONS , to attend her Person to Charlton , on the 18th of October , in order to Redress those Intollerable Grievances , which she wanted in all Love to exhibit unto me . SIR , As it is a Duty Incumbent upon all Batchelors , to supply the Defects of their own Sex , who knowing their Deficiencies , have , contrary to the Laws of Nature and Sound Reason , bound themselves For ever and Aye , in the mutual and Indissolvable Tye of For better or for worse : I having just grounds of Complaint , in these my Iuvenal Years , of the great and many Impediments on my Husbands part , which give me a Iust and Vnquestionable Title to your Aid and Assistance ; and as Procreation is the Main End of Wedlock , and I , by the Infirmities of my Lawful and Well-beloved Spouse , being in a great Measure depriv'd of the Wholesome , Delectable , and Indearing Means thereof , having full and true Desire of Compleatly answering my Duty , according to the known Laws of our Creation , That is , to do good in my Generation , and raise Seed to the World as may prove a Blessing to Posterity . I do therefore , by Virtue of this Summons , strictly Charge and Require you to meet me on the 18th of this Instant , by Nine of the Clock in the Morning , at the Mermaid-Tavern at Billingsgate , there to Drink Canary , and Eat Oysters , till Eleven ; Then to take Boat and Land at Cuckolds-Point ; and from thence ( according to the Ancient and Laudable Custome of the Corniferous Society , and in pursuance of their Orders ) to Walk from thence thro' Deptford and Greenwich to Horn-Fair , there to receive a Horn Fairing , as a Token of one Years Friendship , which you are Carefully to Maintain and Preserve with all Love , Constancy , and Industry , till that Day Twelvemonth , with that Vncomfortable She , from whose kind Hand you shall receive the Present : Having full Power given you , from that time , over her own Body and her Husbands Goods , so far as they can be Clandestinely Converted , without discovery , to your Good Vse and Benefit . Therefore Fail not to give your Personal Appearance at the Time and Place , aforesaid , under a Weeks reserve , Lustily Fed , and well Accouter'd , as you will hazard the Revenge of a Desirous Woman , whose Name is under Written . E — F — You Cannot but Imagine I Read the Summons , it being from a pretty Woman , with a little more satisfaction than a London-Prentice does his Sundays Chapter , or a Married Man that Intercepts a Love-Letter to his Wife ; insomuch that I thought my self very highly Obliged to answer the Demands of the Fair Lady , yet could not forbear Ref●ecting on the Conjugal Vows she was under , and how far I must be guilty of the same Crime , in submitting to her Unlawful Desires , which I thought might as well spring from her own Exorbitant Concupiscence , as any Just Reasons she had to Complain of her Bedfellow's Incapacity . Labouring for some time under these Struglings of Conscience , at last I bethought my self of an Old Story , which remov'd my Scruples , and restor'd me to my former Resolution of Pursuing the Intrigue . And that you may not be Unacquainted with this Balsamick Tale , so Excellent for Strengthening a Weak and Tender Conscience , I have here given it by the Way ; in hopes not to Corrupt the Reader , but to make him Merry . A Batchelor Gentleman , of Good Estate , desiring , thro' Covetousness , to encrease his Riches , apply'd himself to a Young Lady of Great Fortune ; and notwithstanding his Estate was somewhat inferiour to her Portion , yet the Comeliness of his Person , and his Engaging Accomplishments soon prevail'd upon the Lady to become his Bride , who having nothing before her Eyes but the Prospect of a Happy Life , and the Comfortable Embraces of a Gentleman of Sweet Temper , Affable Behaviour , Incomparable Wit , and Excellent Proportion , insomuch she gave him but very little Trouble to bring his Design to its propos'd Issue : So that they were soon Marryed , and Bedded accordingly , with all the Solemnities and Formalities of a Publick Nupital . But as soon as the Frolicksome Company had quitted the Bridal Chamber , the Gentleman in his Minority having reciev'd a Kick from a Horse , which Occasion'd his Castration , was render'd incapable of gratifying the Expectancies of his Panting Bride , Concluding it the best Way to Discover his Infirmities , and put her past the thought of what is Natural in such a Case for the most Modest Woman to expect , which he accordingly discover'd , but with as much Art and Rhetorick as was possible to be us'd , to take off the Impression of so great a Disappointment , telling her , That tho himself was Impotent , he would grant her the Liberty of making good his Deficiency to herself , by choosing any other Person to be her Confident , that should be most agreeable to her own Inclinations . The Young Lady fearing this might be some Trick of her Husbands to sift whether any other Person had any share in her Affections , made a Iest of his Discovery , and suspended her Choice till after a further time of Consideration : But found at last she was brought in Good-Earnest into this Misfortune ; and being not a little Vneasy under this Intollerable Disappointment , began to be thoughtfully intent upon the freedom that was given her by her Impotent Bridegroom : And observing his Butler to be a handsome Iolly Young Fellow , Looking as if he was well Qualified for so pleasing a Task , insomuch that she resolved to pitch upon him to supply the Deficiency of her Vnhappy Husband , and accordingly acquaints him with what Choice she had made ; with which the Gentleman seem'd very well contented ; and sending for his Butler into his Closet , inform'd him of the whole Affair , with all its Circumstances ; telling him he would allow him an Hundred Pounds a Year , as long as he would take Care , thro' Secresie and Prudence , to prevent any Disreputation that otherways might by his carelesness fall upon the Family . The Butler , over-joy'd at this Proposal , made so many fair Promises and Protestations , that the Master was well Satisfied , and thought him a proper Confident for his purpose : So accordingly Lodg'd him in a Room near his own Bed-chamber , that his Lady without Danger of Detection , might change her Bedfellow as often as her Inclinations led her . This Good-Natur'd Liberty of the Gentlemans was mutually enjoy'd , between his Wife and his Servant , for a considerable time , without either Discovery or Mistrust ; till at last , the Lady on a Summers day , having added an unusual Warmth to her youthful Desires by a Glass or two of Rich Wine at Dinner , above her ordinary Custome , went into the Buttery , where the Butler was alone in the Afternoon , taking a Lazy Nap to indulge his Idleness . The Lady shuting the Door , awak'd her Gallant , and soon made him sensible , by intelligible Signs , of what her Ladyship wanted . He rubbing his Eyes , and speedily understanding her Meaning by her Gaping , laid her down with a Finger and a Thumb , upon a Lolling Convenience , in Order to Oblige her : In which Interim , the Chaplain being dry after his Dinner , came to the Buttery Door , and knock'd for Admittance into the Cellar . The Butler being too deeply Engag'd to answer , the Parson Iudg'd by his Silence , he was making much of some of his Friends in Private ; and having a mind to be Satisfied , peep'd thro' the Key-hole , and beheld with the Eyes of Truth , the sad Shame and Dishonour his Lady and the Butler , by the Instigations of the Devil , had brought upon the Family ; and immediately Runs open-mouth'd to his Patron , and acquaints him , with a Sorowful Countenance , by what a Providential Accident he had stood Pimp to his Ladies Debauchery , setting forth the Villany and Treachery of his Servant in thus abusing of him . The Gentleman being concern'd at their Imprudence , to be thus Foolishly detected , had no way left to excuse the Matter , but to tell the Truth , and discover his own Infirmity ; also that it was done by his Inducement and Permission ; and that he allow'd the Butler a hundred pounds per Annum to recompence his Diligence , and enjoyn him to Secresie . Lord , Sir , says the Chaplain , Why would you not imploy me ? I 'd have done it for Fifty with all my Heart , and have Read Prayers Twice a Day into the Bargain . I rightly applying the Moral of this Story , rid my Conscience of those Doubts and Fears that would otherwise have retarded me from embracing so fair an Opportunity ; that I began now to query with my self , which was the most inexcusable Fault , to commit the Sin , or disoblige the Lady ; and remembring Ingratitude to be stil'd the worst of Crimes , and that to disoblige a pretty Woman in distress , and slight her Favours so generously thrown upon me , was Ingratitude ; I soon reason'd my self into a compliance with my Mistress in Elect's Desires ; and took up a Sturdy Resolution of meeting my bold Challenger at the Place appointed . When the happy Morning came , and nothing but Cuckold-makers , Cuckoldome , Cuckolds , and Horn-Fair , were the common discourses of every Sober Citizen to his next Neighbour , as soon as the Shops were open'd , I getting up an Hour before my time , had recourse to the Barbers , that my Face and Perriwig might not want the Advantages of his nice management , but have all the Effeminate Improvement of Powder , Washball and Perfume , that I might be as Fragrant to my Mistresses Nostrills , as a Bermoodoes Breez , and smell as Odiferous as any sweet-Bag . When I was thus Wash'd , Curl'd , and Comb'd , like any Ladies Lap-Dog ; and after I had spent as much time in Dressing , as a Merchants-Wife on a Sunday before Church-time , I did at last judge by my Glass I was a very compleat Figure to make an Amour , tho' to a squeamish Lady . My Shoes were as black as Spanish-Balls could make 'em , and Shin'd like a Physicians Ebony Cane new rub'd upon a Visit to an Alderman . My Stockins were garter'd up as tite as a Boot upon a Last , and stuck as close to my Calves as a Bag to a Boild-Pudding . My Garters being as hard girted as a Fillet bound for Bleeding , that I did more pennance than a Man half Throtled to be prick'd in the Jugular . My Knees hoop'd round with Rowles , turn'd up with that exactness , that a Wedding Ring upon a Citizens Wives Thumb , could no ways sit more precisely Regular . My Breeches stuck so close to the Ignoblest of my Flesh , that I durst not Stride an Inch beyond the given bounds of my Taylor , without the danger of a Rent ; and when I came to a broad Kennel I was forc'd to Wade thro , because I could not venture to step over without Damage . My Coat was Cut All-amode a Paree , with Skirts not much longer than those of a Water-mans Iacket . My Linnen was made by an Inns-of-Court-Sempstress , and was Digitiz'd with her Handle-Bauble Fingers , into as much Formality as a Ladies Head-Dress . My Wig , like the rest of the Fools , was so woundily be-Powder'd , that whenever the Wind sat in my Face , it endanger'd the Eyes of him that walk'd behind me . Which procur'd me as many Curses in a Day , as a Good Man has Prayers for his Charity . My Hat was in the Mathematical Cock , with the Brims tuck'd up to the Crown , into an exact Triangle . My Gloves were right Cordivant , and stunk so of Muscovy Cats-Turd , that Persons subject to Vapours started from me as I walk'd ( like a Beau from a Chimney-Sweeper ) for fear of being Suffocated . Thus equip'd according to the Nice Rules of Foppery and Courtship , I went along , Cursing the Rudeness of the Wind , that at every Street's Corner ruffled the Curles of my Wig into some disorder , being forc'd to give as many stroaks to each Bushy side as a Milk-Woman does to a Cows Teat at a Meal , to reduce the stragling Hairs into their proper Places : Till at last , with a Panting Heart , like a dispirited Lover , I came to the Place appointed ; where , with as much Courage as I could Summon together , I ask'd for my Lady , who was not yet come . I thinking it my Duty to wait , rather than hers , it made me Careful to be something Earlier ●ha● the Time prefix'd , to manifest my Diligence , as well as the eager Desires I had to her Dear Company . I bid 'em show me a Room , and then call'd for a Pint of Canary , as the most Amorous Cordial I could think on , over which , I sat near half an hour , sometimes Disheartening my self with the thoughts of being Iilted , than Comforting my self up with the assurance of her Sincerity , from some little knowledge I had of her Person . At last , to remove my Doubts and Jealousies , in steps my Lady , Dress'd up with as much Art , as if all the Tyre-Women in both Exchanges had been her Chamber-Maids . But , to tell you the Truth on 't , finding her no more afraid of Tumbling her Pinners , than I was of Rumpling my Cravat , our greeting was so mutually kind and satisfactory , That it would have made the Readers Heart go Pit-a-Pat to have seen our Loving Salutation . She beging Pardon for her Presumption , and desiring my good Construction of the Freedom she had taken . I answering her in a familiar Dialect , That her Company was the only Happiness I had long Covetted ; and had not the Conjugal Obligations she lay under frighted me from Discovering my Love , she long before now should have receiv'd sufficient Testimonies of my unextinguishable Affections ; or had I in the least known the just Reasons she had to withdraw her Friendship , and alienate that Beauty and Delight remaining in her Dear self from her Marriage-Bed , no Addresses and Importunities should have been wanting from her humble Servant , to have happily supply'd those Impotencies , which , according to the Laws both Divine and Humane , she might Modestly Complain of . In such a sort of Amorous Discourses , we express'd the Impatient Desires of each other . I well knowing nothing takes more with the Fair-Sex , under these Circumstances , than to put a Gloss upon the Iniquity . For he that has but the true Knack of extenuating a Crime , will have no great difficulty in drawing those to the Guilt , who give Credit to his Doctrine . Having now , by a few Love-Toys , and Light Expressions , together with the assistance of the Wine , introduc'd a little Familiarity , we agreed upon a Dish of Fish , that we might fortifie our Stomachs against the Cold Breezes we must expect upon the Water . During the Time the Cook was Labouring to Delight our Pallats , we Reciprocally oblig'd each other with Lushious Kisses and Endearing Words , that melted both our Hearts into an equal Concupiscence of Loves Enjoyment . Citizens and their Mates , Swarm now to the Water-side , in order to take Boat for the Horn-headed Rendezvouz at Charlton : And nothing being heard beneath our Window , but the Wrangling of Water-Men about their Fairs , and the Noisie Mouthing Acclamations of Greenwich , Greenwich Ho , That had we been Seated at the Hockly-Hole-Theatre , when the Blind-Bear had been let loose , our Ears could not have been terrified with more discording Out-Cries . Upon which we arose from our Seats , and mov'd to the Window , to divert our selves a little with seeing the Batchelour Cuckold-Makers and Citizens Wives ; also City Cuckolds , and their Maiden-Looking Mistresses , stow themselves as close in a Boat together , as they do in a Cheap-side Ballcony , at my Lord-Mayors-Show , to gaze like a Drove of Bullocks , between one anothers Horns , at the Triumphs of the City . The first Couple that I happen'd to know , pressing amongst the Crowd to board their Double-handed Wherry , were a Iewish Wine-Merchant and a Vintners Wife ; who , I suppose , thro' the great delight they took in Cuckold-Making , went to do Reverence to Cuckolds-Point ; and from thence to buy a Horn-Tumbler at the Fair to Drink the Husbands Health in ; and so recal the Pleasures of their past Sins , by the Sweetness of reflection . My Lady observing I had added a more than ordinary Chearfulness to my Countenance , requir'd the reason of my Smiling . I told her I could not forbear Laughing to see a Iew scatter his Affections out of his Tribe , and make so much of a Christian ; and to find a City Dame , with so good a Conscience , to have so much Charity for an Vnbeliever . That Lady , said I , that you see with the Iew , is a very great Meeter , and a Mighty Religious Christain in her Way , having as Jolly a Man to her Husband as a Woman would desire to lie by . But I find , notwithstanding her seeming sanctity , she loves Circumcision much better than Christian Baptism . At which Information my Lady lifted up her Eyes , expressing her self after this manner , Bless me ! What is the World come to ! That a Woman should be so Wicked ! As if there were not Good Christians enough deserving of a Womans Favours , but , like a Prophane Minx , she must bestow her Kindness on a Jew ! Well , I would not be in her Condition , and have such a Sin to answer for , for the World. If I should , I am sure my Conscience would never rest after it , but should think every Minute I deserv'd Damnation . Foh ! A Jew ! A Stigmatiz'd Rusty-Bacon-look'd Infidel , that cannot Spit from him ! A Black Goggle-Eyed Over-reaching Vagabond ! Foh , I smell him hither , he stinks in my very Nostrills . If it were only thro the respect a Body has for ones Religion , sure I 'd have chose a Christian for my Gallant , tho' he had been a Porter , or a Carman ; and not have dishonour'd my Church so much as to have taken up with an Antichistian Vermin , a very Caterpillar of Christendom . I Vow and Protest , if I was in her Room , I should be afraid the Boat would sink . Thus did my Mistresses Zeal to the Christian Religion , carry her to such a Pitch of Envy , to see a Refin'd Protestant and an Infidel in such Charitable Communion with one another , That I was afraid , in the heighth of her Fury , she would have leap'd out of the Window , and have separated the Righteous from the Ungodly ; quite forgetting , as Whores do , their own Failings , when they brand another with the same Title ; not considering the Honest Design on foot betwixt her Ladyship and me ; looking upon herself all this while , to be as Justifiable in what we had undertaken , as a Poor Woman that wants Bread , is in Begging a Crust of her Neighbour . We had not at the Window spent much time in Prittle-Prattle , but the Vintner whose Wife was Stragled with the Iew , out of the Pale of the Church , had most Ceremoniously Joyn'd himself with an Iron-mongers Daughter , who in her early Years being Tempted by a Sea-Captain to taste the Forbiden Fruit , had unhappily brought herself under the Suspicion of Incontinence , and quite spoil'd her Market in the business of Matrimony ; that she was grown a pretty stale Thorn-back , yet had Remains enough of her Youthful Perfections to entitle her to the handling of a Vintner's Apron-Strings : I could not forbear Smiling , at the Odness of this Accident , when I consider'd what a rare Discovery there would be made on both sides , if they should Chance to meet in the Fair ; for it is Reasonable to believe , they were absolute Strangers to each others Intrigue ; for sure , thought I , it is Unnatural for a Marry'd Couple , to give one another the Liberty of Adultery ; tho' it is very common I believe , for each other to take it . Since Chance had flung a thing so remarkably observable in my Way , I thought my self oblig'd to impart it to my Mistress , that she might share in the satisfaction of so Uncommon a Contingency ; accordingly I shew'd her the Vintner , telling her he was the Husband of that Woman who had so highly disoblig'd her , in Communicating her Honour to a Iew , and Pinning her Faith upon the Sleeve of an Infidel ; adding , that I knew the Woman that was with him , from whence I had reason to believe he was upon the like design with his Companion , as his Wife was with the Iew ? Bless me ! says she , If my Husband was like other Men , and shou'd serve me so , I 'd study as many ways to Torment him , as ever a Papist Priest found to Punish a Heretick , marry wou'd I ; he should neither Eat , Drink , nor Sleep in any quiet , till I had Plagu'd his Heart out , before he should run Rambling among strange Women ; but as he is , by my Troth I may venture him , for I can guess by his Performances at Home , how his Abilities are Abroad . Which words , were no sooner out of her Mouth , but in the Crow'd she espied him . Bless me ! says she , Yonder he is with my Neighbour the Apothecaries Wife , pressing towards the Stairs , to go into a Boat : But I 'll spoil their Intrigue , with a Pox to ' em . Stay you here , says she , and I 'll be with you again presently : Down Stairs she ran in a great Fury , lays hold of the Woman , as she was Descending the Stairs : How now Madam , says she ? Whither are you going with my Husband ? I thought I should Catch you one time or another ; I had Intelligence of your Design last Night , and have been waiting for you in yonder House , this hour or two . The Poor Woman , so greatly Surpriz'd with this Discovery , was ready to sink down under the Hand of her Opponent ; but the Husband thro' a great Presence of Mind , forces his Wife to quit her hold , and bid the other step into the Boat , ordering the Waterman to go off with her , and land her where the Gentlewoman directed , holding his Wife fast till the Boat was adrift ; and so at once secur'd her from the Hands of the Mob , as well as her rash Adversary . Now thought I , I find when a Woman has a mind to be Lewd , she will not want a Pretence to Justifie herself in her Liberty ; nor could I forbear thinking it was more her Ungovernable Lust , than her Husbands Impotency , that induc'd her to be Wicked ; for it may be observ'd , the Common Excuses that a Woman makes to extenuate the Guilt of her Corruption , are either Love , Necessity , or the Mis-behaviour of their Husbands , either in his Neglecting what he ought to do , or Doing those things , which he ought to forbear : But while I was thus Ruminating on the Cunning of the Kind Sex , my Mistress had betaken herself to her Crocadile Submission ; Crying , What had she done , to Occasion such Ill Vsage from him , as to alienate his Affections , from his Lawful and Loving Wife , and place it upon other Women less deserving than herself ? These Hypocritical Words , and Dissembling Tears , so softned the Heart , of the poor disappointed Cuckold , who at first was so highly displeas'd at her unexpected Discovery , that he had much ado to forbear striking of her ; but she I suppose , well knowing how to appease his Fury , put on this Counterfeit Behaviour to bring him out of his Passion , to the Calm Use of his Reason , and Good Nature . The Fluminous Rabble all this while hollowing the t'other Lady over the Water , who questionless was as well pleas'd at her safe Deliverance , as she was Concern'd at first for her Detection . By this time , my Lady and her Spouse , had withdrawn themselves a little out of the Crow'd , she Soliciting his Company home , as she inform'd me afterwards , which she was very Sensible he would not Consent to ; But told her Altho' she had spoild his Project in one Affair , he 'd make himself amends in another ; and since he was a Broad , he 'd have his Belly full of Wine before he went Home again . Do that and Welcome , says she , For I would rather find you Ten-times in a Tavern , than Once in another Womans Company ; and so they parted . She returning to me , extreamly Delighted with the thoughts of her Adventure . Indeed Madam , said I , I wonder you should give your self all this Trouble ; for what 's matter , who your Husband keeps Company with , if he be under such Circumstances as you Report him . Poh , says she , you don't know what Policy , I had in my Head ; was it not much better for me to detect them , than to give them the Opportunity of Detecting us ; for I suppose , they were bound to the same Port : And now I have stop'd their Iourney , the Coast is Clear , and we may Accomplish our own Vndertaking , with less Fear , and more Safety . I could not forbear reflecting in my Thoughts on the Wit , as well as the Wickedness of Woman , who had no sooner a Conception of the Danger she herself must have been in , had she suffer'd them to have proceeded in their Voyage , but at the same Instant , projected a method to remove that stumbling Block out of her Way , which might otherways have prov'd of fatal Consequence to her own Intrigue . The Goodman , to be sure , making a kind Construction of her Accidental Discovery ; and thought she had taken all that Pains , on purpose to detect him in his loose Practices , which he must needs acknowledge , as an argument of her Love , because she thought him worth her Looking after ; and it s commonly allow'd the greatest Demonstration a Woman can give of her Love , is her Jealousie ; for its a certain Sign we vallue that most , that we are least willing , and most fearful should be Enjoy'd by another . By this time we had an Island of Fish , floating in an Ocean of Butter , brought up to the Table ; of which , like the Lady of a Feast , she Ceremoniously help'd me to a very plentiful Plate , I gratefully repaid her Favour with a Cringe , which she return'd with a Bow , that we Nodded at one another , like two Rams in a Challenge , just a going to Butt : Every Bit that was better than ordinary , she would force upon my Plate , that no Country Turky Cock , fatted against Christmas to be sent to my Landlord at London , was ever so Cram'd : I believe , I swallow'd as many boild Shrimps , and fry'd Oysters , as an Estrich could Hob-nails at a Meal ; besides shoveld down as much Fresh Cod , as my Lord Mayors Weapon Porter does Custard at a Feast ; my Lady 's chief Diversion all Dinner-time , being to fish in the Sauce for Delicious Morsels , to feast the Pallate of her new humble Servant ; using so many kind Expressions to Court me to Eat , that I was quite surfeited with her Sweet Words , before I had half satisfied my Stomach with our Enticing Dainties ; being forc'd sometimes to be Unmannerly , and Bumpkin like , Court my Mistress to Eat , with my own Mouth full , for fear she should think by my long Silence , I did not regard her . When I by the Manly Industry of my Hands and Jaws , and my Mistress , by her Effeminate Piddling and Picking , had both satisfied our Appetites , with our Nice and Well-dress'd Dinner , according to Custom , we thought it necessary to make our Fish Swim a third time , in a more Noble Element , than either Butter or Water ; calling accordingly for half a Flask of Red , that the Noble Tincture of the Wine , might Enrich our Food of a Purple Colour , and make its Juice the fitter for our Veins Reception . All the Superfluous Implements of Eating being now taken away , we made each Glass a further Key to unlock the Secrets of our Souls , and began to Spin out the Threds of Love , to a lasting Length , Wetting each kind Word with Wine , that the Knot of Friendship might be ty'd the faster ; how far our mutual desires might carry us beyond the Rules of Modesty , is neither my Business to tell , nor the Readers to enquire into ; for there are many things that are Justifiable in Action , that are not Decent to Repeat ; so that we will make that Modest by the Concealment , that might be thought Rude in the Discovery . When our Flask was out , we thought it high time to begin our Voyage : In order to set forward , we call'd for our Reckoning , which my Lady after many Expressions of Apology , for her Rude Unpracticable Attempt , but she was Resolutly bound to Defray the Days Expence , Entreating me to excuse the affront ; at which , tho' I seem'd to be dissatisfied , yet with much Perswasions , I was at last very heartily reconcil'd to my Mistress's Prodigallity , and thought I had as much Reason to be good Humour'd , asif I had Paid it my self . Having thus pretty well secur'd our Bodies from the Coldness of the Water , we took Boat at Billinsgate-stairs , and away for Cuckolds-Point ▪ but were no sooner put off from the shore , but we were got into such an Innumerable Fleet , of Oares , Skullers , Barges , Cock-boats , Bum-boats , Pinnaces and Yawles ; some Going , some Coming , and all attacking each other with such Volleys of hard Words , that I thought Billingsgate-Market had been kept upon the Thames , and all the Fish-Whores in the Town , had been Scolding for a Plate , given 'em by some Rich Oyster-Woman , to encourage the Industry of the Tongue ; calling my poor Lady and I , so often by the Opprobrious Names of Whore and Rogue , that for my Part , I thought they were Witches , and had known what we had been doing ; tossing Ladles-full of Water into one anothers Boats , till the Passengers were many of 'em as wet , as a Turbulent Woman just taken out of the Ducking-Stool . At last an Unlucky Rogue , with Bridewel-Looks and a Ladle in his Hand , fishes up a floating Sir-reverence in his Wooden Vehicle , and gives it an Unfortunate Toss upon my Ladies Bubbies . She crying out to me her Protector , to do the Office of a Scavenger , and take away the Beastliness , she being herself so very Squeamish , that she could no more endure to touch it with her Fingers , than a Monkey does a Mouse , it being Lodg'd in the Cavity , between her Breasts and her Stays , she could not shake it off , but I was forc'd to lend a hand to remove the Poisonous Pellat from her Snowey-Temptations , giving on 't a Toss into another Boat , with the like Success , wounding an old Cuckoldy Waterman just in the Forehead , and so Be-dung'd his Brow-Antlers , that I make no question but they spread and flourish'd , being thus Manur'd like the Horns of an Ox after well greasing , which put the grisly Churle ( who I'll warrant , by his Grey Haires , had at least serv'd Nine Prentice-ships to the Thames ) into such a wonderful Passion , that he began to roar out his Aquatick Scurrility at us , with as much Indignation and Revenge , as a she-Mumper when bilk'd of her Crib , or an Alley-Scold when call'd Barren-Bitch , by her Neighbour , clawing the Unsavory Birdlime off his Face , Snapping on 't , as a Barber does Suds from the ends of his Fingers ; Saluting my Mistress , and I , in the height of his Fury , after the following manner . You Shiten-Skull'd Son of a T — d , that has spit your Brains in my Face , who was Begot in Buggery , Born in a House of Office , and Deliver'd at the Fundament , fit for nothing but to be Cast into a Gold-finders Ditch , there lie till you're Rotten , and then be sold out to Gardners , for a hot Bed , to raise Pumkins to feed the Devil withall . And as for you , You Brandy-Fac'd , Bottle-Nose'd , Bawdy , Brimstone-Whore , Every time you Conjobble together , may he Beget your Belly-full of live Crabs and Craw-Fish , that as you strive to pluck 'em out , they may hang by the sides of your Tuquoque , and make you Squeak nine times lowder than a Woman frighted into Labour a Month before her Reckoning . This , and such sort of Water-bred Language , he pelted at our Ears , till we were out of Hearing : Being both as glad when we had out-Row'd his Impudence , as a Man that has out-Run a Bailiff ; for if ever any body was under an Ill-Tongue , we thought our selves at that time in the same condition . Every Boat that came by had a pelt at my poor Mistress and I , who being but Two , besides Water-men , were most lamentably Maul'd by other Boats , who being better Man'd , were quite too many for us , and rattl'd us into Silence with a Broad-side of Bilingsgate Language , which was thrown on all sides so thick upon us , that we found it but a vain attempt to endeavour to be Heard amidst this Shower of ill-Words . We jog'd gently on , as fast as our Neighbouring Enemies would give us leave , who lay a Head of us , upon our Bow , Broad-side , Quarters , and Stern , that we could not turn our Heads any way out of Tongue-Shot , but either Rogue , or Whore , Pimp , Cuckold , or Taylor , hit us a box of the Ear , that almost Deafen'd us . Dear Heart , says my Mistress , I wonder the Magistrates of the City do not take some care to prevent these sad Abuses upon the Water ; for 't is a shameful thing that Civil People should be call'd thus out of their Names . Prethee , said I , never mind 'em ; for if my Lord M — were here himself , they 'd be as ready to call him Cuckold as they would any body else ; and he would not know which way to help himself , but must put it up as we do , there 's no remedy ▪ After we had spent about half an hour upon the Water in this Misery , we Arrived at our intended Port , Cuckolds-Point , where we Landed in a Crowd , with as much difficulty as a Man crosses the Change at Two a Clock , or squeezes into Paul's Quire on a Sunday , whilst they are Singing of an Anthem . Having discharg'd our Water-men , we went into the House , where the Troop of Merry Cuckolds us'd to Rendesvouz ; Arm'd with Shovel , Spade , or Pick-Ax ; their Heads adorn'd with Horned Helmets ; and from thence to March , in Order , for Horn-Fair , Leveling the Way as they go , according to the Command of their Leaders , that their Wives might come after with their Gallants , without spoiling their Lac'd Shooes , or dragling their Holiday Petticoates . When we had procur'd a Fire to recover our Natural Warmth , of which the Coldness of the Water had almost Robb'd us , I began to enquire of the Dame of the Tenement from whence the Custom of the Meeting , Marshalling and Marching , of this Cornigerous Troop was at first deriv'd ? Who told me , That in the time of King Iohn , when Religion could no more keep a Prince's Codpice Button'd , then it can now infuse Charity in a Priest , In the room of this , House says she , here then stood a Water-Mill , and Providence having blest the Knave the Miller , with a very handsome Wife , King John coming often this Way to Hunt upon Greenwich-Heath , & thereabouts , happen'd to see her , and became so Enamour'd with her Lovely Looks , that he could by no means restrain his Inclinations , but must needs Cuckold the Miller ; to which , when an Opportunity stood fair , the Dame Consented ; but as 't is believ'd , so Cunningly manag'd the matter , that her Husband should come Home , and Catch 'em in the Heighth of their Pastime , which the Miller did accordingly ; and seeming not to know that he was King , took him up in his Arms and Threatn'd to fling him into the Mill-Dam , and Grinil his Head off , which so frighten'd his Majesty , that he told him if he would spare his Life , he would give him all the Land as far as he could see one Way . Which the Miller made him Vow to perform , before he would quit his hold ; but then set him down very Civilly , and went into his Mill , Leaving the King to finish his Business with his Wife , as a means to further Engage him to the Performance of his Promise ; the Miller waiting with a great deal of Impatience , till his Wife had submitted herself , like a Good Subject , to her dread Soveraign , and quietly surrender'd that Fort , upon Discretion , which the King greatly wanted to be Master of : But as soon as the Fatigue was over , and the Royal Cuckold-Maker had gratified his ambition in adorning the Brows of the Mealy Peasant , the Miller began to Solicite his Imperial Rival for the generous Reward he had promised , to facillitate the wearing of that Forked Burthen , which otherways would have sat very uneasily on his Fore-head . The King assur'd him he would be as Good as his Word , and bid him look out , and the Land , as far as he could see one Way , on that side the River , he should possess as his own , Paying only this anuual acknowledgment , That he should once a Year , upon that day Twelve-month , which prov'd the 18th of October , Walk to the farthest bound of his Estate , with a Pair of Bucks-Horns on his Head , attended with all his Family ; or in Neglect of which , the Land should be forefeited ; to which the Miller had Cunning enough to very readily Consent . The Cuckold-maker and the Cuckold being thus agreed , he was about to turn and look up towards London ; which the King forbad him , telling him he had nothing that Way in his Power to dispose of , but order'd him to look downwards , and as far as he could see that Way , should be given him . The Miller having Wash'd his Eyes in Maids Water , to make him Clear Sighted , according to the Kings Order , look'd downwards , and saw as far as Charlton-Hill , all which Land between that and the Point , he afterwards Enjoy'd , only performing the aforementioned Ceremony , according to Agreement : Whish , says she , was the Original of this Custom , and it is said that there are Lands hereabout , that are held even to this Day after the same manner . With this piece of History we were mightily pleas'd , the Woman herself showing a great deal of Zeal in the belief of the same ; which indeed I swallow'd without Chewing , as the Mob does the Political Reports of State , or an Ignorant Congregation does the Hum-Drum Doctrine of a Dark Priest. When we had Warm'd and refresh'd our Chill'd Carcasses , we set forward for Deptford ; and having heard great Commendation of that Serviceable Projection , the N●w-Dock , I had a great desire to take a View of that by the Way , and so Shap'd my Course accordingly . After we had pass'd by a long Range of little Cottages , at the Doors of which sat abundance of Dutch-Buttock'd Lasses , with Sea Handkerchiefs about their Pouting Bubbies , which were swell'd with much handling , so far beyond their Natural Proportion , that their Breast and their Bellies , like Mother Shipton's Nose and Chin , met one with the other ; some Knitting , some Spinning , and others picking Okum ; but all , as I suppose , ready enough to quit their several Exercises and betake themselves to a Pleasanter Pastime , if any Body will hire ' em . Having past by a great Number of these Condescending Mortals , we came to a Field which led to the Entrance of the Dock , about a Stones Cast on this side which , were a parcel of West-Indian-Creolians , lately come on Shore , Cooking in the open Air , an English Porker after the Indian manner , which was attempted to be perform'd as follows : They drove Sticks in the Ground , and Fenc'd in a square place with Old Tarpaulins , leaving one side open for the Wind to Fan the Fire which was made in the middle with Charcole , directly over which lay the Grunter on a Grid-Iron , made of Spits ; which were laid Cross , from side to side ; the part that lay uppermost , being cover'd with the Dripping-Pan , to preserve it from Cooling , and the Fat droping into the Fire , cast up such savoury Fumes from the burning Grease , that the Nossel of foul Candlesticks thrust into a Kitchen-Fire by a Good House-Wife of a Cook , could not perfume her Sluttish-ships Territories with a more Obliging Odor ; and about Six or Eight foot distance , from the main-Fire , was another Fire , to the Windward of the Pig , most Cunningly Contriv'd to Warm the Air , as it pass'd , lest its Coldness otherways might be some Impediment to the Grilliading , or beastly Cooking of their III favour'd Beast , whose Eyes were Roasted in his Head accordinging to the Negroes Cookery , that he star'd like a Dead Pig ; and that side that lay next to the Fire , with the Smoak of the Driping was almost as black as the Charcole beneath it ; that I question not but by the Time it was Ready , it stunk like a piece of Cheshire-Cheese , Toa●ted in the Flame of a Candle , and look'd all over as black as the Rind of a Flitch of Bacon , that has hung Six months in a Country Chimney . We left them as busie about their Savage Piece of Cookery , as so many chosen Housewives dressing of a Weding Dinner , and went into the Yard appertaining to the Dock , reported by Competent Judges to be able to receive 200 sail of Large Ships ; which Serviceable Project , has so highly Disoblig'd the King of the East , that he had Vow'd Cuckoldome to the whole Parish of Deptford , which of late has occasion'd every Marriner and Ship-Carpenter adjacent , that has a handsome Wife , to look as narrowly after her , as a Hen does after her Chickens , to preserve 'em from the Kite . When we came about the middle of the Dock , we were oblig'd either to return back and go a Mile about , or else cross the Top of the Flood-gates , at the Mouth of the Dock , which were about the common breadth of a Deal Board , and about Ten Yards over . My Mistress was much more ready to be at the Pains , than choose the danger ; Remembring , That the furthest way About , might be the nearest way Home ; and I was for running the hazard , to avoid the Pains , and endeavour'd to prevail on my Lady to take Courage , and run the risque of being Duck'd , to Abridge our Journey ; with much ado , by upbraiding her with Cowardice , and giving her some Words of Encouragement , I at last chas'd away her Effeminacy , and made her resolve to endanger the Cooling of her Leachery , to oblige her Gallant ; which she undertook and perform'd with so much Bravery , that had the Stoutest Stallion in Christendom been on the other side , to have receiv'd her , she could not have run thro' the danger with a more Undaunted Resolution ; but I found by her Countenance , she was as well pleas'd when she had got safe over , as a Countrey Fellow that has Shot the Bridge , or a Town Bully that had surviv'd a Duel . From hence we proceeded till we came to Deptford , where I think the first House in the Town , like many others , is accounted a Conveniency for his Majesties Water-Rats , when residing upon Land , to Cool their Tails in ; when we came a little further into the Town , we might easily discern , by the built of the Houses , what Amphibeous sort of Creatures chiefly Inhabited this part of the Kingdom ; their Dens were chiefly Wood , all of one form , as if they were oblig'd by Act of Parliament , to all Build after the same Model ; here a pretty Woman or two at a Door , there another o● two at a Window , all looking as Melancholy as Old Maids and Widows , for want of Male Conversation ; gazing upon each Man that pass'd 'em , with as much Earnestness and Desire , as ever our Great Grand-Mother did upon the Forbidden Fruit. The Ladies that chiefly Inhabit these Cabbins , were the Wives of Marriners , whose Husbands were some gone to the East-Indies , and some to the West , some Northward , some Southward , leaving their Disconsolate Spouses , to make Tryal of their Vertue , and live upon Publick Credit till their return , who if it were not for the Benevolence of a well-disposed Neighbouring Knight , and a few more Charitable Worthy Gentlemen , they might , tho' Married , grow Sullen , like the Negro Women , for want of Husbands , and pine away because Nature is not supply'd with due Accommodation . Many Shops we observ'd open in the Streets , but a Brandy-Bottle , and a Quartern , a Butcher mending of a Canvas Doublet , a few Apples in a Cabbage-Net , a Peel-full of Deptford Cheescakes , an old Waste-Coat , a Thrum Cap , and a pair of Yarn Mittings , were the chief Shows that they made of their Commodities , every House being distinguish'd by either the Sign of the Ship , the Anchor , the Three Marriners , Boatswain , and Call , or something relating to the Sea : For as I suppose , if they should hang up any other , the Salt-water Novices would be as much puzled to know what the Figure represented , as the Irish-man was , when he call'd the Globe the Golden Case-body , and the Vnicorn the White-horse with a Barbers Pole in his Forehead . The Women we chiefly met in the Streets , were Accouter'd most commonly like the meanest of our Oyster-women , in Ragged Gowns , Daggled Petty-Coats , Blew Aprons , Speckled Handkerchiefs about their Necks , and their Heads adorn'd with Flat-Caps ; those that we met Coupled , had generally short squat well-tr●ss'd-Fellows by their Sides , in New course Cloth-Coats , Speckled Breeches , Grey Stockins , Round-Toe'd Shooes , Picked Heels , stitch'd round the Quarters , ty'd on with Scarlet-Tape instead of Buckles , with Mittings on his Hands , a Fur-Cap on his Head , Arm'd with an Oaken Cudgel , with a Head as big as a four Pounder . I observ'd they all , Spaniard like , kept up to one Fashion , so that the same Description would serve any I saw , with a very Slender Variation . Now and then , 't is true , we met a Bluff Blade , who look'd as Burly as if he had Fed his whole Life-time upon Peas and Swines Flesh , with a Campaign Wig on , the Haires of which , for want of Combing once in a Month , hung in as many Tangle Locks , as if he had been flying , and a Sword ty'd on as high as the Waste-band of his Breeches , and had no more motion when he walk'd , than a Two-foot Rule , stuck into the Apron-Strings of a Carpenter : These sort of Sea Monsters , I observ'd the Mumpers saluted with the Title of Noble Captain , and had the right Knack of Coaxing these Quarter-Deck - Blunderbusses out of their Farthings and Half-pence , with the taking and insinuating Cant of Honour and Worship , as fast as a Horse Mountebank Gulls the Mob out of their Two-pences , by calling of them Gentlemen ; his Noble Worship looking round him as big , after he had paid the Beggar a Penny for his Title , as an old Cozening Curmudgeon , who has Built an Alms-house , or a Rich Citizen that has got a poor Brothers Child into the Blew-Coat-Hospital . We walk'd on till we came to the upper End of the Town , where stood some very pretty Houses , whose Gates for Ostentation-sake , were made with Bars , that each Passenger might Delight his Eyes , with an External Prospect of these their most Creditable and Beautiful Habitations : In this Row stood a most famous Hospital , Erected for the Entertainment of Thirty-one Decay'd Masters of Vessels , or their Widows , depending on the Trinity-House ; the Masters of which , having the Care thereof ; to the relief and support of which Charitable Design , every Ship at her Clearing , pays according to her Burthen so much Money . Our Curiosity led us to take a Turn into it , which we found very Pleasant and Commodious , as to the Building and Situation ; but when I enquir'd into the Allowance , I found it so very small , that it might rather be call'd Pinch-Gut-Colledge , than an Hospital for Poor Pensioners ; who with much difficulty gaining Admittance into these Starving Confines , have no more allow'd 'em , to find Meat , Drink , Washing , Fire , Cloths , and all Necessaries of Life , than Twelve Shillings per Month ; and four Months in the Year are set at five Weeks , to take in the Odd Month ; most that are there having Paid more Money towards it , before they came into it , than ever their Allowance would amount to , if they were to Live Fifty Years in the Hospital ; to which many great Legacies have been left , but the Number of Pensioners never Encreas'd , nor their Pensions Advanc'd ; so that how it is sunk , or lmbezell'd , or to what Use Converted , no Body knows , but those Persons who have the Discretionary Power , as 't is suppos'd , of laying it safe up in their own Pockets . An East-India Captain , some few Years since , Dying , Bequeath'd Thirteen Hundred Pounds to this Hospital ; out of which Money , it never Receiv'd any other apparent Advantage , than the Statue of the Benefactor set up in the Garden , for the Pensioners to Feast their Eyes , instead of their Bellies , withal . The Members of this Society of Tarpaulin Paupers , are only during the Pleasure of the Masters of the Trinity , and are liable to be turn'd out , upon very slender Mis-behaviours . There is another such Hospital by the Church , Originally Founded by Queen Elizabeth , for but Twenty-one Poor Masters , or their Widows ; and except in Number , is equal in every particular , with the former ; so that by all the Observations I could make , in so short a Passage thro' the Town , I could not but think it very well deserv'd this following Character : The Town 's without Necessaries ; they 've Butchers without Meat , Ale-houses without Drink , Houses without Furniture , and Shops without Trade ; Captains without Commission , Wives without Husbands , Whores without Smocks , a Church without Religion , and Hospitals without Charity . From thence we made the best of our Way , towards Greenwich , finding nothing remarkable by the Way , but now and then , a Knot of London Prentices , Arm'd with Lad●es of Defence , to secure their Noddles and their Elbows , from the Insolent Assaults of the more Unlucky Mob , drawn out of Spittle-Fields , Clare-Market , and Sweet St. Giles ; in which parts of the Town , Rude Rogues and Reprobates are as Plenty as Lice in a Campaign , or Flies in Iuly in the Shop of a Confectioner . The first part of Greenwich Town that I came into was the Church-Yard , where the Numbers of the Dead , had almost Bury'd the Church , that could each Corps Buried against the Church Wall , raise his Head but half a Foot above the Surface of the Earth he lies in , he might peep in at the Church Window , on a Sunday , and frighten the whole Congregation out of the Church . As I Enter'd the Holy Ground , I took Notice of several Good Houses on the Left Hand , which look'd like Habitations fit for Christians to Live in ; but in some parts of the Town , the Huts were no bigger than Indian Wig-wams , scarce big enough for a Cuckold and his Wife , to lye at length , without puting their Head or their Heeles in the Chimney Corner . Hearing the Kings House being Converted to an Hospital , for Disabled Seamen , as a means to Encourage others hereafter to venture their Limbs in the Nations-Service , to be rewarded with a Lazy Life , no Money , and short Commons , when either Age or Lameness has made them a Misery to themselves , and a Burthen to the World ; we took a Walk into it , to take a Brief Survey of this New and Well-intended piece of Charity ; which like the gay Buildings of Northampton , looks very Stately and Magnificent without side , but Examine within , and you 'll find but very poor Inhabitants ; one part of it was almost finished , wherein I observ'd every Pensioner was design'd a distinct Cabbin to himself , and was alloted a little more room than he is like to Enjoy in the Church-Yard , and not much neither : When it 's all Compleated , 't will be a Noble Edifice , not at all Inferiour to any of those great Gifts , where much more Grandure is Visible in the Walls , than Hospitallity in the Kitchen ; but its Situate in a good Place for a little Victuals to make a great show ; for Greenwich , like a Spanish Town , is under such a Scarcity of Flesh Meat , that a Gentleman not long ago , brought his Mistress down with a Design to lye all Night in the Town , but was forc'd to go back to London , at seven a Clock at Night , against Tide , because never a Publick House in the Town could procure him a Supper . It 's a rare place to Punish a Man troubled with a Caninus Appetitus , for a Walk in the Park is a rare thing to put his Stomach in an uproar , and the Town an excellent place to make him run Mad for want of Victuals to allay his Hunger : Here many Citizens in the Summer time keep their Wives at Board-Wages , purely because there 's no manner of Dainties to incline them to Extravagance : here many of 'em also put their Children to Nurse , because it 's a sharp Air , and fit for the Breeding up a Young shop-keeper . From thence we walk'd on till we came upon the Heath ; but Climbing up the Hill , we saw at the bottom of a deep Precipice , the Mouth of several Caves , Pray , Sir , said my Mistress , What Vgly Frightful Places are those at the bottom of the Pit ? Indeed Madam , said I , I cann't well tell ; but they took as if they were the Back Doors to the Devils Territories , and that the People of Greenwich had found out a nearer Cut to Hell , than the rest of their Neighbours . We were no sooner come upon the Heath , but every Fool was become a Tom-Ladle ; and every Bush was made a Fence to a Furmity Kettle , the Gentlemen Quick-workers in the dark Mystery of Mischief , were here assembled in a body , in order to break the Elbows of all Nonconformists , that would not come over to the Ladle-Discipline ; which my Mistress and I observing , were forc'd to Conform to the Custom of the Countrey , and each Arm our selves with a Ladle , as a Protection from the Rabbles Insolence ; who indeed , were afterwards as Civil to us as could be expected of such Tameless Monsters ; and let us pass with now and then a little Knock of the Elbow , not much harder than would have Crack'd a Fill-bert ; which we were forc'd to bear , with all Patience and Submission , till we came into the Fair , of which I shall proceed to give you a True Character . It stands near the Church , to make good the Old Proverb , viz. The nearer the Church , the farther from God. Tho' it 's the Rudest Fair in England , it begins with a Sermon ; which makes another Old saying Good , viz. In the Name of the Lord begins all Mischief . They say the Parson usually takes his Text upon this Occasion out of Solomons Proverbs ; and I asking why he did so , was told , Because Solomon was a great Cuckold-maker , and therefore his Doctrine was the fitter to be prench'd at Horn-Fair . The People of the Town eat so sparingly , that they never Exonerate but once a week , and that 's on Sundays , making the Church-Yard their Dunghill , which you cannot cross without wading up to your Ancles in Sir-reverence . All that is Sold at the Fair of use , are Shooes , Pattins , and Leather-Breeches ; the rest are Horn-Toys , and Fools-Baubles ? The one bought to vex Cuckolds , and the other to please Children . The whole place , for the time , is a Common-Wealth , where the Rabble make Laws , and all that approach must keep ' em . It 's an Ill place for a Proud Man to walk with his Arms on Kimbo , for they have more spight against the Elbows than any part of the Body . He that brings Money to this Fair , must look after his Pockets ; for the Waterlane-Anglers are here as busie as Milk-Maids on a May-day . It is an Annual Rendesvouz for the Mob of London , where it is as rare to see Persons of Creditable appearance , as 't is to see an Honest man in Newgate , or a Fool in the Jews Synogogue . Here is a great deal of Furmity to be Sold , but very few People that buy any . Here are a great many Thieves , but few that have any thing to Lose ; and abundance of Beggars , but few or none to relieve ' em . The Fair seems to stand bounded between God and the Devil ; for the Church stands at one end of it , and a Musick-house at t'other . It 's good for nothing , as I know on , but to humble the Conceit that a Proud Man may have of his Person ; for it 's enough to make a Man out of Love with Humane Shape , to behold the Folly and Rudeness of so many Reprobates , that were at it . 'T is a Sanctuary for Ill Manners , a Protection of all Rudeness , an Encouragement of Wickedness , a Revelling of young Libertines , a Looking-glass of Confusion , hurtful to good Manners , and hateful to all Good Men. FINIS . 
A67505	----	A hue and cry after a man-midwife who has lately deliver'd the land-bank of their money. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1699 Approx. 4 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 2 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67505 Wing W737 ESTC R33541 13522990 ocm 13522990 99916 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67505) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 99916) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1559:5) A hue and cry after a man-midwife who has lately deliver'd the land-bank of their money. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1 sheet ([2] p.) [s.n.], London printed : 1699. Caption title. Imprint from colophon. Attributed to Ward by Wing and NUC pre-1956 imprints. Imperfect: print show-through, with loss of print. Reproduction of original in the Harvard University Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). The general aim of EEBO-TCP is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic English-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in EEBO. EEBO-TCP aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the Text Encoding Initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). The EEBO-TCP project was divided into two phases. The 25,363 texts created during Phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 January 2015. Anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. Users should be aware of the process of creating the TCP texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. Text selection was based on the New Cambridge Bibliography of English Literature (NCBEL). If an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in NCBEL, then their works are eligible for inclusion. Selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. In general, first editions of a works in English were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably Latin and Welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. Image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. Quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in Oxford and Michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet QA standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. After proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. Any remaining illegibles were encoded as <gap>s. Understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of TCP data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. Users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a TCP editor. The texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the TEI in Libraries guidelines. Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-04 Mona Logarbo Sampled and proofread 2003-04 Mona Logarbo Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion HUE and CRY AFTER A Man-Midwife , Who has Lately DELIVER'D the Land-Bank OF THEIR MONEY . IF any Good Person , in Country or Town , Either Courtier , or Citizen , Sharper , or Clown , Gives Tidings or Tale , of a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈…〉 for Shall at the Land-Bank be as nobly rewarded , As by the Trustees it can well be afforded . He 's a little old Man , very pale of Complexion , Into many Deep Things makes a narrow inspection ▪ His Head's very Long , and his Hands very Small , Fit to fathom a gentle Tuquoque withal : In tor●●nting of which , as the Good Women tell-us , He strangles more Necks , than the Rope and the Gallows . Among his Profession he 's fam'd as a Topper , By some call'd a Midwife , by others a Groper . From his Office in Queen-street he lately has started , And left his Society half broken-hearted . Thus show'd them a Trick , one would think was beneath-him , And run with their Stock ; marry Devil go with-him ! But yet he was so civil unto the Trustees , Tho he 's taken the Chest , he has left 'em the Keys . Of Iron 't was made , and secured with Chains , Being Lock'd with abundance of Cunning and Pains ; Which mingles their Sorrow with some little Pleasure , To think how 't will plague him to come at thē Treasure . By common Report into Holland he 's fled ; If so , the Land-Bank is brought finely to Bed : For if to the old place of Refuge he 's run , Adzooks you 're all Cozen'd as sure as a Gun. And you that are Chous'd , for your Money may mourn ; For Holland , like Hell , never makes a Return , 'T is known to all Europe , the Dutch , like the Devil , Takes damnable care of the Root of all Evil. What Money is once carry'd into their Nation ; Is more hard to regain , than if sunk in the Ocean . If the Coin was inclos'd ( like the Soil in a Gizzard ) In an Adamant Coffer , Lock'd up by a Wizard , They 'll show him a way by some 〈◊〉 In●ernal , To break up the Shell , and to take out the Kernel . A Bank to give Paper , and hoard up our Coin , Was nothing at first but a Coz'ning Design : And he , like a Man of a Wise Cir●●mspection , Has sho●'d the true and of a Rogu●sh Proj●ction . Considering how ●ften the Nation is bit ▪ By Projects , and yet will not see thro the Cheat , 'T is a wonder to me , we should learn no more Wit. We 've Lott'ries from Venice , and Banks from the Dutc● ; Tho' Holland indeed has Occasion for such ; For if they were down ▪ as abundance do wish , They must Die all like Puppies , or live all like Fish. My Brains are so heavy , I Vow and Protest , I must beg you 'll accept of that Pun for a Iest. For talking of Holland so much , I 'm a Dog , If my Fancy at last is not slip'd in a Bog . But now to the matter , If any discover The Man and the Money , and bring 'em both over , He shall find the Trustees of the Bank to be Noble , And give him what e'er he can get for his Trouble . To give you his Character truely Compleat , He 's Doctor , Projector , Man-Midwife and C — Who has Cunningly manag'd a subtle Device , Beyond the poor Parson , or Auberry Price . And all that I farther can say of the matter , He 's gone to the Dutch , and the Devil go a'ter . LONDON , Printed in the Year , 1699. 
A67509	----	A journey to Scotland giving a character of that country, the people and their manners. By an English gentleman. With a letter from an officer there, and a poem on the same subject. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1699 Approx. 44 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 10 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67509 Wing W743 ESTC R220840 99832225 99832225 36697 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67509) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 36697) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 2102:10) A journey to Scotland giving a character of that country, the people and their manners. By an English gentleman. With a letter from an officer there, and a poem on the same subject. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. Cleveland, John, 1613-1658. Rebel Scot. aut 16 p. [s.n.], London : printed in the year M DC XC IX. [1699] "English gentleman" = Edward Ward; attribution from Wing and NUC pre-1956 imprints. Caption title on p. 3: A character of Scotland. Poem on pp. 14-16 has caption title: "The rebel Scot"; copy cataloged has MS. attribution on p. 14: "By Cleaveland" [i.e. John Cleveland, 17th century poet]. Copy has stained title page and considerable print show-through. Reproduction of the original in the British Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). The general aim of EEBO-TCP is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic English-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in EEBO. EEBO-TCP aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the Text Encoding Initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). The EEBO-TCP project was divided into two phases. The 25,363 texts created during Phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 January 2015. Anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. Users should be aware of the process of creating the TCP texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. Text selection was based on the New Cambridge Bibliography of English Literature (NCBEL). If an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in NCBEL, then their works are eligible for inclusion. Selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. In general, first editions of a works in English were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably Latin and Welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. Image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. Quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in Oxford and Michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet QA standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. After proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. Any remaining illegibles were encoded as <gap>s. Understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of TCP data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. Users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a TCP editor. The texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the TEI in Libraries guidelines. Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Scotland -- Description and travel -- Early works to 1800. Scotland -- History -- 17th century -- Poetry -- Early works to 1800. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-04 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-05 John Latta Sampled and proofread 2003-05 John Latta Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion A JOURNEY TO SCOTLAND , GIVING A CHARACTER OF THAT Country , the People and their Manners . By an English Gentleman . WITH A LETTER From an OFFICER there , AND A POEM On the same SUBJECT . LONDON : Printed in the Year M DC XCIX . A CHARACTER OF SCOTLAND . IF all our European Travellers direct their Course to Italy , upon the account of its Antiquity , why should Scotland be neglected , whose wrinkled surface derives its Original from the Chaos ? The first Inhabitants were some Straglers of the faln Angels , who rested themselves on the Confines , till their Captain Lucifer provided places for them in his own Countrey . This is the Conjecture of Learned Criticks , who trace things to their Originals ; and this Opinion was grounded on the Devil's Brats , yet resident amongst them , ( whose fore-sight in the events of good and evil , exceeds the Oracles at Delphos ) the supposed Issue of those Pristine Inhabitants . Names of Countries were not then in fashion , those came not in till Adam's days , and History ( being then in her Infancy ) makes no mention of the changes of that Renowned Countrey , in that Interval betwixt him and Moses , when their Chronicle commences , she was then Baptised ( and most think with the Sign of the Cross ) by the Venerable Name of Scotland , from Scota , the Daughter of Pharaoh King of Egypt . Hence came the Rise and Name of these present Inhabitants , as their Chronicle insorms us , and is not to be doubted of , from divers considerable Circumstances ; the Plagues of Egypt being entailed upon them , that of Lice ( being a Judgment unrepealed ) is an ample Testimony , these loving Animals accompanied them from Egypt , and remain with them to this day , never forsaking them ( but as Rats leave a House ) till they tumble into their Graves . The Plague of Biles and Blains is hereditary to them , as a distinguishing Mark from the rest of the World , which ( like the Devil 's cloven Hoof ) warns all Men to beware of them . The Judgment of Hail and Snow is naturalized and made free Denison here , and continues with them from the Sun 's first ingress into Aries , till he has passed the 30th . degree of Aquary . The Plagues of Darkness was said to be thick Darkness , to be felt , which most undoubtedly these People have a share in , as the word 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ( Darkness ) implies ; the Darkness being appliable to their gross and blockish understandings ( as I had it from a Scholar of their own Nation . ) Upon these Grounds this Original is undeniably allowed them , and the Countrey it self ( in Pyramids ) resembles Egypt , but far exceeds them both in bulk and number ; theirs are but the Products of Mens Labours , but these are Nature's own handy-work ; and if Atlas would ease a Shoulder , here he may be fitted with a Supporter . Italy is compared to a Leg , Scotland to a Louse , whose Legs and engrailed Edges represent the Promontories and Buttings out into the Sea , with more Nooks and Angles than the most conceited of my Lord Mayor's Custards ; nor does the Comparison determine here : A Louse preys upon its own Fosterer and Preserver , and is productive of those Minute-Animals called Nitts ; so Scotland , whose Proboscis joyns too close to England , has suckt away the Nutriment from Northumberland , as the Countrey it self is too true a Testimony , and from its opposite A — , has calved those Nitty Islands , call'd the Orcades , and the Shetland , ( quasi Shite-land ) Islands . The Arms of the Kingdom was anciently a Red-Lyon Rampant , in a Field of Gold , but Ann. Dom. 787. they had the Augmentation of the double Tressure , for assisting the French King ; but His Majesty's Arms in Scotland is a more Hysteron Proteron , the Pride of the People being such , as to place the Scots Arms in the dexter Quarter of the Escutcheon , and make the Unicorn the dexter Supporter , with the Thistle at his Heel , with a suitable Motto , Nemo me impune lacessit , true enough ; whoever deals with them shall be sure to smart for 't : The Thistle was wisely placed there , partly to shew the Fertility of the Countrey , Nature alone producing Plenty of these gay Flowers , and partly as an Emblem of the People , the top whereof having some colour of a Flower , but the bulk and substance of it , is only sharp and poysonous Pricks . Woods they have none , that suits not with the Frugality of the People , who are so far from propagating any , that they destroy those they had upon this politick State Maxim , that Corn will not grow on the Land pestered with its Roots , and their Branches harbour Birds , Animals above their humble Conversation , that exceeds not that of hornless Quadrupedes ; marry , perhaps , some of their Houses lurk under the shelter of a plump of Trees ( the Birds not daring so high a presumption ) like Hugh Peter's Puss in her Majesty , or an Owl in an Ivy-bush . Some Firr-Woods there are in the High-lands , but so inaccessible , that they serve for no other use than Dens for those ravenous Wolves with two Hands , that prey upon their Neighbourhood , and shelter themselves under this Covert ; to whom the sight of a Stranger is as surprizing as that of a Cockatrice . The Vallies for the most part are covered with Beer , or Bigg , and the Hills with Snow ; and as in the Northern Countries the Bears and Foxes change their Coats into the Livery of the Soil , so here the Moor-Fowl ( called Termagants ) turn white , to suit the Sample , though the Inhabitants still stand to their Egyptian Hue. They are freed from the charge and incumbrance of Enclosures , the whole being but one large Waste , surrounded with the Sea : Indeed in many places , you may see half a Root of Land divided with an Earthen Bank , into many differing Apartments , according to the quality of Beasts that are to posses● them . The whole Countrey will make up a Park , Forest , or Chace , as you 'll please to call it ; but if you desire an Account of particular Parks , they are innumerable , every small House having a few Sodds thrown into a little Bank about it , and this for the State of the business ( forsooth ) must be called a Park , though not a Pole of Land in 't . If the Air was not pure and well refined by its agitation , it would be so infected with the Stinks of their Towns , and the Streams of their nasty Inhabitants , that it would be pestilential and destructive ; indeed , it is too thin for their gross Senses , that must be fed with suitable Viands , their Meat not affecting their distempered Pallats , without it have a damnable hogoe , nor Musick their Ears without loud and harsh Discord , and their Nostrils ( like a Jew's ) chiefly delight in the perceptible effluviums of an old Sir R — . Fowl are as scarce here as Birds of Paradise , the Charity of the Inhabitants denying harbour to such Celestial Animals , though Gulls and Cormorants abound , there being a greater sympathy betwixt them . There is one sort of ravenous Fowl amongst them that has one web foot , one foot suited for Land , and another for Water ; but whether or no this Fowl ( being particular to this Countrey ) be not the lively Picture of the Inhabitants , I shall leave to wiser Conjectures . Their Rivers , or rather Arms of the Sea are short , few places in Scotland being above a day's Journey from the Sea , but they are broad , deep and dangerous pestered , with multitudes of Porposses or Sharks ( some of them perhaps amphibious too , that live more on Land than Water ) which destroy their Salmon , the great Commodity of this Countrey , which being too good for the Inhabitants , are barreled up , and converted into Merchandize , &c. The Banks and Borders , of these Rivers ( especially near their Towns ) are adorned with hardy Amazons , though inverted , their Valour being ( chiefly ) from the waste downwards , which parts they readily expose to all the dangers of a naked rencounter . The exercise of their Arms , I should say Feet , is much about Linnen ; Sheets are sufferers , a fit receiver is provided ( not unlike a shallow Pulpit to mind them of their Idol Sermons ) wherein foul Linnen is laid to suffer Persecution , so they turn up all , and tuck them about their wasts , and bounce into a Buck-tub , then go their Stock , and belabour poor Lint till there be not a dry thread on 't . Hence came the Invention of Fulling-Mills , the Women taught the Men , and they put in practice . The Countrey is full of Lakes and Loughs , and they well stockt with Islands , so that a Map thereof , looks like a Pillory-Coat , bespattered all over with Dirt and rotten Eggs , some pieces of the Shells floating here and there , representing the Islands . Their Cattle are only representatives of what are in other Countries , these being so Epitomized , that it is hard to know what Class they relate to . Their Horses are hardy , and not without Gall ( as some say other Horses are ) using both Tooth and Nail to mischief you ; that they may not use more state than their Masters , they go bare-foot , which preserves them from the Gout ; and if Hudibras's Horse had been of this Race , he had not needed a Corn-cutter : Their Furniture or Harness is all of the same matter , all Wood from Head to Tail , Bridle , Saddle , Girths , Stirrups and Crupper , all Wood ; nothing but a Withy will bind a Witch , and if these be called Witches , I shall not oppose it , since by their untoward Tricks , one would guess the Devil to be in them ; their Bridles have not Bits , but a kind of Musrol of two pieces of Wood ; their Crupper is a Stick of a Yard's length , put cross their Docks , both ends thereof being tied with woven Wood to the Saddle . Their Bed and Board too , is all of the same dry Straw , and when they have it up , whip on Harness , and away . Their Neat are hornless , the Owners claiming sole Propriety in those Ornaments , nor should I deny them their Necklace too , for methinks that hoisted Wood would mightily become them . Their Sheep too have the same preferment , they are coupled together near their Master's Palace . Some Animals they have by the name of Hogs , but more like Porcupines , bristled all over , and these are likewise fastned to the Free-hold by the former Artifice ; all their Quadrupedes ( Dogs only excepted , in which sort they much abound ) are honoured with Wooden Bracelets about their Necks , Legs , or Arms , &c. Their Cities are poor and populous , especially Edenborough , their Metropolis , which so well suits with the Inhabitants , that one Character will serve them both , viz. High and Dirty . The Houses mount seven or eight Stories high , with many Families on one Floor , one Room being sufficient for all Occasions , Eating , Drinking , Sleeping , and Shit — The most mannerly step , but to the Door , and Nest upon the Stairs . I have been in an Island where it was difficult to tread without breaking an Egg ; but to move here , and not murder a T — is next to an impossibility ; the whole Pavement is Pilgrim-salve , most excellent to liquor Shooes withal , and soft and easie for the bare-foot Perambulators . The Town is like a double Comb ( an Engine not commonly known amongst them ) one great Street , and each side stockt with narrow Allies , which I mistook for Common shores ; but the more one stirs in a T — the more it will stink . The other Cities and Towns are Copies from this Original , and therefore need no Commentators to explain them ; they have seven Colleges ( or rather Schools ) in four Universities ; the Regents wear what colour'd Cloaths or Gowns they please , and commonly no Gowns at all , so that 't is hard to distinguish a Scholar from an ordinary Man , since their Learning shines not out of their Noses ; the younger Students wear Scarlet Gowns only in Term time ; their Residence is commonly in the Town , only at School hours they convene in the College to consult their Oracle Buchanan ; their chief Studies are for Pulpit preferment , to prate out four or five Glasses with as much ease as drink them ; and this they attain to in their stripling years , commencing Masters of Arts ( that is meant only Masters of this Art ) before one would judge them fit for the College ; for as soon as they can walk as far as the School ( which they will do very young , for like Lapwings they run with Shells on their Heads ) they are sent thither , where they find no Benches to sit on ( only one for the Master ) but have a little Heath and Fadder strewed for them to lie upon , where they litter together , and chew the Cud on their Fathers Horn books , and in good time are preferred to the Bible ; from this petty School , away with them to the Grammar-School , viz. the College , where in three or four years time they attain to ( their ne plus ultra ) the degree of A. M. that is , they can extempore , coin Graces and Prayers for all Occasions ; if you crack a Nut , there is a Grace for that , drink a Dish of Coffee , Ale or Wine , or what else , he presently furnishes you with a Grace for the nonce ; so if you pare your Nails , go to Stool , or any other action of like importance , he can as easily suit you with a Prayer , as draw on a Glove ; and the wonder of all is , that , this Prayer shall be so admirably framed , that it may indifferently quadrate with any occasion , an excellency no where so common as in this Countrey . Thus you see the young Man has commenced and got strength enough to walk to the Kirk and enter the Chair , where we shall find him anon , after we have viewed the out-sides of their Kirks , some of which have been of Antient Foundations , and well and regularly built , but Order and Uniformity is in perfect Antipathy to the humour of this Nation , these goodly Structures being either wholly destroyed ( as at St. Andrews and Elgin , whore by the remaining Ruins you may see what it was in perfection ) or very much defaced ; they make use of no Quires , those are either quite pulled down , or converted into another Kirk , for it is common here to have three , four , or five Kirks under one Roof , which being preserved entire , would have made one good Church , but they could not then have had Preaching enough in it : Out of one Pulpit now they have thirty Sermons per Week , all under one Roof , plenty of spiritual Provision , which gusts much better with a mixture of the Flesh ; as you may guess by their Stools of Repentance in every Kirk , well furnished with Whoremongers and Adulterers of both Sexes . In Venice , the shadows only of Curtezans are exposed to publick view only in Effigic , but here the Whore in Person has a high place provided her in the view of the whole Congregation for the benefit of Strangers , who ( some think ) need not this direction , but may truck for all Commodities , with the first they meet with . They use no Service-Book , not Whore of Babylon's Smock ( as they term a Surplice ) nor decency , nor order in their divine , or rather contumelious Service . Would a King think himself honoured by Subjects , that petitioned him with Bonnet valed , but cockt his Cap the while his request was granting , while precious Mr. Presbyter , grimaces , prays or houls , the Monster Rabble vails ; but as soon as Text is taken , Blew-bonnet takes place again , and this Pulpit-prater is esteemed more than God's Ambassador , having the Holy Spirit at his beck to prompt him every word he speaks , yet not three sentences of sence together , such Blasphemy as I blush to mention . Their Christnings ( as all other things ) are without Form , only Water poured on the Infant , and such words used as Sir John's Mephistophilus supplies him with , and so the Child commences Christian , as good ( or better ) than the best of them . Some think Marriage an unnecessary thing amongst them , it being more generous and usual amongst them to take one another's words ; however , 't is thus performed , the young Couple being attended with Tag-rag and Bob-tail , gang to Kirk , where Mr. Scruple ( like a good Casuist ) controverts the point in hand to them , and schools Mr. Bridegroom in his Lesson , then directs his Discourse to Mrs. Bride , who being the weaker Vessel , ought to have the more pains taken with her ; he chalks out the way she is to walk in , in all its particulars , and joyns their hands , and then let them fall to on God's Name : Home they go with loud ravishing Bag-pipes , and dance about the Green , till they part by Couples to repetition , and so put the Rules in practice , and perhaps Sir Roger follows Mrs. Bride to her Apartment , to satisfie her doubts , where he uses such pungent and pressing Arguments , as she never forgets as long as she lives . When any one dies , the Bell-man goes about ringing their Passing-Bell , and acquaints the People therewith , in form following , Beloved Brouthrin , and Susters , I let yau to wot that thir is an fauthful Broothir lawtli departed awt of this prisant varld , and thi plesuir of Aulmoughti Good ( and then he vails his Bonnet ) his Naum is Volli Voodcock , thrid Son to Jimmoy Voodcock , a Cordinger ; he ligs aut thi sext door vethin thi Nord Gawt , close on thi Nawthwr Rawnd , and I wod yaw gang to hus burying on Thrusdau before twa a Clock , &c. The time appointed for his Burying being come , the Bell-man calls the Company together , and he is carried to the Burying-place , and thrown into the Grave ( as Dog-Lyon was ) and there 's an end of Wolli . Few People are here buried in their Kirks ( except of their Nobility ) but in the Kirk Garths , or in a burying place on purpose , called the Hoof , at the further end of the Town ( like our Quakers ) enclosed within a Wall , so that it serves not only as a Burying place , but an Exchange to meet in ; perhaps in one part of it their Courts of Judicature are kept ; in another are Butts to shoot at for Recreation . All agree that a Woman's Tongue is the last Member she moves , but the Latin Proverb , mulieri ne credas , &c. seems to prove it after death : I am sure the pride of this People never leaves them , but follows them to their long homes ( I was about to have said , to the Devil ) for the meanest Man must have a Grave stone full fraught with his own Praises ( though he was the vilest Miscreant upon Earth ) and miserable memento mori's , both in English and Latin , nay , Greek too , if they can find a Greek word for Cordinger , the Calling he was of , and all this in such miserable Scotch Orthography , that 't is hard to distinguish one Language from another . The Castles of defence in this Countrey are almost impregnable , only to be taken by Treachery or long Siege , their Water failing them soonest ; they are built upon high , and almost inaccessible Rocks , only one forc'd passage up to them , so that a few Men may easily defend them . Indeed , all the Gentlemens Houses are strong Castles , they being so Treacherous one to another , that they are forced to defend themselves in strong holds ; they are commonly built upon some single Rock in the Sea , or some high Precipice near the mid-land , with many Towers and strong Iron Grates before their Windows ( the lower part whereof , is only a wooden Shutter , and the upper part Glass ) so that they look more like Prisons than Houses of Reception ; some few Houses there are of late erection , that are built in a better form , with good Walks and Gardens about them , but their Fruit rarely comes to any perfection . The Houses of the Commonalty are very mean , Mud-wall and Thatch the best ; but the poorer sort live in such miserable Hutts as never Eye beheld , it is no difficulty to piss over them ; Men , Women and Children pigg altogether in a poor Mouse hole of Mud , Heath , and such like matter ; in some parts where Turf is pentiful , they build up little Cabbins thereof , with arched Roots of Turf , without a stick of Timber in it ; when the House is dry enough to burn , it serves them for Fuel , and they remove to another . The Habit of the People is very different , according to the Qualities , or the Places they live in , as Low-land or High-land Men. The Low-land Gentry go well enough habited , but the poorer sort go ( almost ) naked , only an old Cloak , or a part of their Bed-cloaths thrown over them . The Highlanders wear slashed Doublets , commonly without Breeches , only a Plad tied about their Wasts , &c. thrown over one Shoulder , with short Stockings to the Gartering place , their Knees , and part of their Thighs being naked ; others have Breeches and Stockings all of a piece , of Plad-Ware , close to their Thighs ; in one side of their Girdle sticks a Durk or Skean , about a Foot or half a Yard long , very sharp , and the back of it filed into divers notches , whereie they put Poyson ; on the other side a brace ( at least ) of brass Pistols ; nor is this Honour sufficient , if they can purchase more , they must have a long swinging Sword. The Women are commonly two handed Tools , strong-posted Timber , they dislike English-Men , because they have no Legs , or ( like themselves ) Posts to walk on ; the meaner go bare-foot and bare-head , with two black Elflocks on either side their Faces ; some of them have scarce any Cloaths at all , save part of their Bed cloaths pinn'd about their Shoulders , and their Children have nothing else on them but a little Blanket ; those Women that can purchase Plads , need not bestow much upon other Cloaths , these Coversluts being sufficient . Those of the best sort that are very well habited in their modish Silks , yet must wear a Plad over all for the Credit of their Countrey . The People are Proud , Arrogant , Vain-glorious Boasters , Bloody , Barbarous , and Inhumane Butchers . Couzenage and Theft is in perfection amongst them , and they are perfect English haters , they shew their Pride in exalting themselves and depressing their Neighbours . When the Palace at Edenburgh is finished , they expect his Majesty will leave his rotten House at White Hall , and live splendidly amongst his nown Countrey-men the Scots ; for they say that Englishmen are very much beholden to them that we have their King amongst us . The Nobility and Gentry Lord it over their poor Tenants , and use them worse than Gally Slaves ; they are all bound to serve them , Men , Women , and Children ; the first Fruits is always the Landlord's due , he is the Man that must first board all the young married Women within his Lairdship , and their Sons are all his Slaves , so that any mean Laird will have six , or ten , or more followers , besides those of his own Name , that are inferiour to him , must all attend him ( as he himself must do his Superiour , of the same Name , and all of them attend the Chief ) if he receives a Stranger , all this Train must be at his beck , armed as aforesaid ; if you drink with them in a Tavern , you must have all this Rubbish with you ; and if you offend the Laird , his Durk shall soon be sheathed in your Belly , and after his , every one of his Followers , or they shall suffer themselves that refuse it , that so they may be all alike guilty of the Murder : Every Laird ( of note ) hath a Gibbet near his House , and has Power to condemn and hang any of his Vassals ; so they dare not oppose him in any thing , but must submit to his Commands , let them be never so unjust and tyrannical . There are too many Testimonies of their Cruelty amongst themselves in their own Chronicles , Forty of their Kings have been barbaroufly Murdered by them , and half as many more have either made away themselves for fear of their torturing of them , or have died miserably in streight Imprisonment . What strange Butcheries have been committed in their Feuds , some of which are in agitation at this day , viz. Argile with the Macclans , and Mac Donnels about Mula Islands , which has cost already much Blood , and is likely will cost much more before it be decided ; their Spirits are so mean , that they rarely Rob , but take away Life first , lying in Ambuscade , they send a brace of Bullets on Embassy through the Traveller's Body ; and to make sure work , they sheath their Durks in his liveless Trunk ; perhaps , to take off their fire Edges , as new Knives are stuck in a Bag pudding . If an Highlander be injured , those of his own Name must defend him , and will certainly have satisfaction from the Offenders : A late instance whereof was at Inverness , ( a considerable Town ) where one of the Macdonnels was slain , but shortly , the chief of the Name came down against the Town with 1500 Men of his own Name , and threatned to fire the Town , but the Inhabitants compounded with them for 2000 l. Their Cruelty descends to their Beasts , it being a Custom in some places to feast upon a living Cow they tie in the middle of them , near a great Fire , and then cut Collops of this poor living Beast , and broil them on the Fire , till they have mangled her all to pieces ; nay , sometimes they will only cut off as much as will satisfie their present Appetites , and let her go till their greedy Stomachs calls for a new supply ; such horrid Cruelty as can scarce be parallel'd in the whole World ! Their Theft is so well known , that it needs no proving , they are forc'd to keep Watch over all they have , to secure it ; their Cattel are watch'd day and night , or otherwise they would be over-grown by morning . In the High-lands they do it publickly before the face of the Sun , if one Man has two Cows , and another wants , he shall soon supply himself from his Neighbour , who can find no Remedy for it . The Gentry keep an Armory in their own Houses , furnish'd with several sorts of Fire Arms , Pikes and Halberts , with which they Arm their Followers , to secure themselves from the Rapine of their Neighbourhood . The Lowland Language may be well enough understood by an Englishman , but the Highlanders have a peculiar Lingua to themselves , which they call Erst , unknown to most of the Lowland Men , except only in those places that border on them , where they can speak both : Yet these People are so currish , that if a Stranger enquire the way in English , they will certainly answer in Erst , and find no other Language than what is forc'd from them with a Cudgel . If Cornelius Agrippa had travelled Scotland , sure Cookery had not been found in his Vanity of Sciences , such is their singular Skill in this Art , that they may defie the World to rival them ; King James's Treat for the Devil , that is , a Poll of Ling , a Joll of Sturgeon , and a Pigg , with a Pipe of Tobacco for digestion , had been very compleat , if the ordering thereof had been assigned to a Cuke of this Countrey , who can sute every Dish with its proper Hogo , and bring Corruption to your Table , only to mind Men of Mortality : Their Meat is Carrion when 't is kill'd , but after it hath been a Fortnight perfuming with the aromatick Air , strained through the calmy Trunks of Flesh-flies , then it passes the trial of Fire under the Care of one of those exquisite Artists , and is dish'd up in a Sea of sweet Scotch Butter , and so covered and served hot up to the Table : O how happy is he that is placed next to it , with a privilege to uncover it , and receive the hot steams of this dainty Dish , almost sufficient to cure all Distempers . It will be needless to instance in particulars so plain and evident to all that have travell'd through the Countrey , that they may certainly bear away the Bell from all their Neighbouring Nations , or indeed from the whole World. Their Nobility and Gentry have Tables plentifully enough furnish'd , but few or none of them have their Meat better order'd : To put one's Head into their Kitchen doors , is little less than destructive ; to enter Hell alive , where the black Fairies are busied in mangling dead Carcases , and the Fire and Brimstone , or rather stew and stink , is ready to suffocate you , and yet ( which is strange ) these things are agreeable to the humours of the People . The poorer sort live on Haddock , Whiting , and sour Milk , which is cryed up and down the Streets ( Whea buyes sawer Milk ) and upon the stinking Fragments that are left at their Lairds Table . Prodigious Stomachs , that like the Gulon , can feed on their own Excrements , and strain their Meat through their Stomachs , to have the pleasure of devouring it again ! Their Drink is Ale made of Beer-Malt , and Tunned up in a small Vessel , called a Cogue ; after it has stood a few hours , they drink it out of the Cogue , Yest and all ; the better sort , Brew it in larger quantities , and drink it in wooden Queighs , but it is sorry stuff , yet excellent for preparing Birdlime ; but Wine is the great Drink with the Gentry , which they pour in like Fishes , as if it were their natural Element ; the Glasses they drink out of , are considerably large , and they always fill them to the brim , and away with it ; some of them have arrived at the perfection to tope Brandy at the same rate : sure these are a Bowl above Bacchus , and of right , ought to have a nobler Throne than a Hogshead . Musick they have , but not the Harmony of the Spheres , but loud terrene Noises , like the bellowing of Beasts ; the loud Bag pipe is their chief Delight , stringed Instruments are too soft to penetrate the Organs of their Ears that are only pleased with sounds of substance . The High-ways in Scotland are tolerably good , which is the greatest Comfort a Traveller meets with amongst them ; they have not Inns , but Change Houses ( as they call them ) poor small Cottages , where you must be content to take what you find , perhaps Eggs with Chucks in them , and some Lang Cale ; at the better sort of them , a Dish of chopp'd Chickens , which they esteem a dainty Dish , and will take it unkindly if yon do not eat very heartily of it , though for the most part you may make a Meal with the sight of the Fare , and be satisfied with the steam only , like the Inhabitants of the World in the Moon ; your Horses must be sent to a Stablers ( for the Change Houses have no Lodging for them ) where they may feed voluptuously on Straw only , for Grass is not to be had , and Hay is so much a stranger to them , that they are scarce familiar with the Name of it . The Scotch Gentry commonly travel from one Friend's House to another , so seldom make use of a Change House ; their way is to hire a Horse and a Man for two Pcnce a Mile ; they ride on the Horse thirty or forty Miles a day , and the Man who is his Guide , foots it beside him , and carries his Luggage to boot . The best sort keep only a Horse or two for themselves and their best Friend , all the rest of the Train foot it beside them . The Commonalty are so used to worship and adore their Lairds , that when they see a Stranger in any tolerable Equipage , they honour him with the Title of Laird at least , An 't please you my Laird such a one , or an 't please you my Laird Dr. at every ba●e word forsooth . The Nobility shew themselves very great before Strangers , they are conducted into the House by a many of his Servants , where the Lord with his Troop of Shadows receives them with the grand Paw , then enter into some Discourse of their Countrey , till you are presented with a great Queigh of Syrup of Beer , after that a Glass of White-Wine , then a Rummer of Claret , and sometimes after that a Glass of Sherry Sack , and then begin the round with Ale again , and ply you briskly , for it 's their way of shewing you'r Welcome by making you Drunk ; if you have longer time to stay , you stick close to Claret , till Bacchus wins the Field , and leaves the conquer'd Victims groveling on the place where they received their overthrow ; at your departure you must drink a Dongha Doras , in English a Stirrup Cup , and have the satisfaction to have my Lord's Bag-pipe ( with his loud Pipes , with his Lordship's Coat Armor on a Flag ) strut about you , and enchant you with a Loth to depart . Their Money is commonly Dollars , or Mark pieces , coined at Edenbrough , but their way of Reckoning is surprising to a Stranger ; to receive a Bill of a Hundred Pound in one of their Change-Houses , when one would not suppose they had any of the value of a Hundred Pence ; they call a Peny a Shilling , and every Twenty Shillings , viz. Twenty Pence , a Pound ; so the proportion of their Pound to ours , is Twelve to One. Strangers are sure to be grosly imposed upon in all their Change Houses , and there is no redress for it : If an Englishman should complain to their Magistrates , they would all take a part against him , and make sure to squeeze him . The Conclusion of the Abridgment of the Scotch Chronicle , is the rare and wonderful things of that Countrey ; as in Orkney , their Ews bring forth two Lambs apiece ; that in the Northermost of Shetland Islands , about the Summer Solstice , there is no Night ; that in the Park of Cumbernaule , are white Kine and Oxen ; that at Slanes there is a putrifying Water in a Cove ; that at Aberdeen is a Vitriolin Well , that they say is excellent to dissolve the Stone , and expel Sand from the Reins and Bladder , and good for the Colick , being drunk in July , &c. These prodigious Wonders in one Countrey are admirable , but these are not half of them . Loughness never freezes ; in Lough Lommond are Fishes without Fins : And 2dly . The Waters thereof rage in great Waves without Wind in calm Weather : And 3dly . and lastly , Therein is a floating Island : In Kyle is a deaf Rock twelve Foot every way , yet a Gun discharged on one side of it , shall not be heard to the other . In another place is a Rocking-stone of a reasonable bigness , that if a Man push it with his finger , it will move very lightly , but if he address his whole Force , it availeth nothing ; with many more marvels of like nature , which I would rather believe than go thither to disprove . To conclude the whole bulk and selvege of this Countrey , is all Wonder too great for me to unriddle , there I shall leave it as I found it , with its agreeable Inhabitants in A Land where one may pray with curst intent : Oh! May they never suffer Banishment . FINIS . A Description of Scotland , in a LETTER from an Officer in the Army , to his Friend in London . SIR , YOU may be sure it goes hard with a Soldier , when he is brought to his Prayers , and that is my Case and all with me , and would defire my Friends to join with me in them , that God would put it into His Majesty's Heart to call us out of this Kingdom , and to send us to any other part of the World ; for we can't lose by the Change , for here is neither Meat for Man nor Horse ; here is great store of Fowl , indeed , as foul Houses , foul Sheets , foul Linnen , foul Dishes , Pots , Trenchers , Napkins , &c. They have good store of Fish too , and good for those that can eat it raw ; but if it comes once into their hands , it is worse than if it was three days old . For their Butter and Cheese , I will not meddle withal at this time , nor no Man else at any time that loves his Life . The Country , I confess , is good for those that possess it , and too bad for others to be at the Charge to Conquer it . The Air might be wholsome but for the stinking People that inhabit it ; the Ground might be fruitful , had they Wit to manure it . They have good store of Deer , but they are so far from the Place where I have been , that I had rather believe than go to disprove it ; all the Deer I met withal , was dear Lodgings , dear Horse-Meat , dear Tobacco and English Beer . Fruit , for their Grandsire Adam's sake they never planted any , and for other Trees , had Christ been betrayed in this Countrey ( as doubtless he should , had he come as a Stranger ) Judas had sooner found the Grace of Repentance , than a Tree to hang himself on . They have many Hills , wherein they say is much Treasure , but they shew you none of it , Nature hath only discovered to them some Mines of Coal , to shew to what end he created them . There is little Grass to be seen but in their Pottage ; and Hay is Heathen Greek to them , neither Man nor Beast knows what it means . As to their Religion , it is such a Hodge-podge , there is no describing it . Their Sabbath Exercise is a Preaching in the Forenoon , and a Persecuting in the Afternoon ; they go to Church in the Forenoon to hear the Law , and to the Craggs and Mountains in the Afternoon to Louze themselves . They hold their Noses , if you talk of Bear-baiting , and stop their Ears , if you speak of a Play. Fornication they hold but a pastime , wherein Man's Ability is approved , and a Woman's Fertility discovered ; at Adultery they shake their Heads . Theft they rail at , and think it impossible to lose the way to Heaven , if they can but leave Rome behind them . The Ointment they use , is Brimstone and Butter for the Scabs . To conclude ; The Men of old did not more wonder that the great Messias should be born in so poor a Town as Bethlehem , than the World may wonder at , that England should have a Race of Kings from such a cursed Countrey as Scotland . Yours . THE Rebel SCOT . HOW ! Providence ! and yet a Scottish Crew ! Then Madam Nature wears black Patches too , What shall our Nation be in bondage thus Unto a Land that truckles under us ? Ring the Bells backward ; I am all on fire , Not all the Buckets in a Country-Quire Shall quench my rage . A Poet should be fear'd When angry , like a Comet 's flaming Beard . And where 's the Stoick can his wrath appease To see his Country sick of Pym's disease ; By Scotch Invasion to be made a Prey To such Pig-Widgin Myrmidons as they ? But that there 's Charm in Verse , I would not quote The Name of Scot without an Antidote ; Unless my head were red , that I might brew Invention there that might be Poyson too . Were I a drowzy Judge , whose dismal Note Disgorgeth Halters , as a Jugler's Throat Doth Ribbands ; Could I in Sir Empericks tone Speak Pills in phrase and quack destruction , Or roar like Marshal that Geneva Bull , Hell and Damnation a Pulpit full : Yet to express a Scot , to play that prize , Not all those Mouth Granados can suffice . Before a Scot can properly be curst , I must like Hocus , swallow Daggers first . Come , keen Iambicks , with your Badgers feet , And Badger-like bite till your Teeth do meet : Help ye tart Satyrists to imp my rage With all the Scorpions that should whip this Age. Scots are like Witches ; do but whet your Pen ; Scratch till the blood come , they 'll not hurt you then . Now as the Martyrs were enforc'd to take The shapes of Beasts , like Hypocrites at Stake I 'll bait my Scot so , yet not cheat your eyes ; A Scot , within a Beast , is no Disguise . No more let Ireland brag , her harmless Nation Fosters no Venom since that Scot's Plantation : Nor can our feign'd Antiquity obtain ; Since they came in , England hath Wolves again . The Scot that kept the Tower might have shown Within the Grate of his own Breast alone , The Leopard and the Panther , and ingross'd What all those wild Collegiats had cost . The honest High-shoes in their termly Fees , First to the Salvage Lawyer , next to these . Nature her self doth Scotchmen Beasts confess , Making their Country such a Wilderness ; A Land that brings in question and suspence God's Omnipresence , but that Charles came thence ; But that Montross and Crawford's Royal Band Atton'd their Sin , and Christned half their Land. Nor is it all the Nation hath these Spots , There is a Church as well as Kirk of Scots . As in a Picture where the squinting paint Shews Fiend on this side , and on that side Saint . He that saw Hell in 's melancholy Dream , And in the Twy-light of his Fancy's Theme Scar'd from his Sins , repented in a fright , Had he view'd Scotland had turn'd Proselite . A Land where one may pray with curst intent , Oh may they never suffer Banishment ! Had Cain been Scot , God would have chang'd his Doom , Not forc'd him wander but confin'd him home ; Like Jews they spread , and as Infection fly , As if the Devil had Ubiquity . Hence 't is they live at Rovers and defie This , or that place , Rags of Geography . They 'r Citizens o' th' World , they 'r all in all , Scotland's a Nation Epidemical . And yet they ramble not to learn the Mode , How to be drest , or how to lisp abroad ; To return knowing in the Spanish Shrug , Or which of the Dutch States a double Jug Resembles most in Belly , or in Beard , ( The Card by which the Mariners are steer'd ) No , the Scots Errant fight , and fight to eat , Their Ostrich Stomachs make their Swords their Meat . Nature with Scots as Tooth drawers hath dealt , Who use to string their Teeth upon their Belt. Yet wonder not at this their happy choice , The Serpent's fatal still to Paradise . Sure England hath the Hemorrhoids , and these On the North postern of the Patient seize , Like Leeches ; thus they Physically thirst After our Blood , but in the Cure shall burst . Let them not think to make us run o' th' score To purchase Villenage , as once before When an Act past to stroak them on the Head : Call them good Subjects , buy them Ginger-bread . Not Gold , nor Acts of Grace , 't is Steel must tame The stubborn Scot , a Prince that would reclaim Rebels by yielding , doth like him , or worse , Who saddled his own back to shame his Horse . Was it for this you left your leaner Soil , Thus to lard Israel with Egypt's Spoil . They are the Gospel's Life-guard ; but for them ( The Garrison of New Jerusalem ) What would the Brethren do ? The Cause ! The Cause ! Sack-Possets , and the Fundamental Laws ? Lord ! what a godly thing is want of Shirts ! How a Scotch-Stomach , and no Meat converts ! They wanted Food and Rayment ; so they took Religion for their Seamstress , and their Cook. Unmask them well , their Honours and Estate , As well as Conscience , are sophisticate . Shrive but their Title and their Moneys poize , A Laird and twenty pence pronounc'd with noise , When constru'd but for a plain Yeoman go , And a good sober two pence , and well so . Hence then you proud Impostors , get you gone , You Picts in Gentry and Devotion . You Scandal to the Stock of Verse , a Race Able to bring the Gibbet in disgrace . Hyperbolus by suffering did traduce The Ostracism , and sham'd it out of use . The Indian that ' Heaven did forswear , Because he heard some Spaniards were there ; Had he but known what Scots in Hell had been , He would Erasmus-like have hung between . My Muse hath done . A Voyder for the nonce , I wrong the Devil should I pick their Bones ; That Dish is his ; for when the Scots decease Hell like their Nation , feeds on Bernacles . A Scot when from the Gallow tree got loose Drops into Styx , and turns a Soland Goose. FINIS . 
A67510	----	Labour in vain: or, What signifies little or nothing Viz. I. The poor man's petitioning at court. II. Expectation of benefit from a covetous man in his life-time. III. The marriage of an old man to a young woman. IV. Endeavours to regulate mens manners by preaching or writing. V. Being a Jacobite. VI. Confining an insolvent debtor. VII. Promise of secrecy in a conspiracy. VIII. An enquiry after a place. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1700 Approx. 60 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 16 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67510 Wing W744 ESTC R219389 99830867 99830867 35328 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67510) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 35328) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1879:07) Labour in vain: or, What signifies little or nothing Viz. I. The poor man's petitioning at court. II. Expectation of benefit from a covetous man in his life-time. III. The marriage of an old man to a young woman. IV. Endeavours to regulate mens manners by preaching or writing. V. Being a Jacobite. VI. Confining an insolvent debtor. VII. Promise of secrecy in a conspiracy. VIII. An enquiry after a place. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. [2], 29, [1] p. printed, and sold by most booksellers in London and Westminster, London : 1700. Attributed by Wing to Edward Ward. Reproduction of the original in the British Library. 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-05 Emma (Leeson) Huber Sampled and proofread 2003-05 Emma (Leeson) Huber Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion Labour in Vain : OR , WHAT SIGNIFIES Little or Nothing . VIZ. I. The Poor Man's Petitioning at Court. II. Expectation of Benefit from a Covetous Man in his Life-time . III. The Marriage of an Old Man to a Young Woman . IV. Endeavours to Regulate Mens Manners by Preaching or Writing . V. Being a Iacobite . VI. Confining an Insolvent Debtor . VII . Promise of Secrecy in a Conspiracy . VIII . An Enquiry after a Place . LONDON Printed , and Sold by most Booksellers in London and Westminster , 1700. A DIALOGUE Between the AUTHOR AND THE PRINTER . Printer . WHat Title do you design to give this Book ? Author . Labour in Vain : Or , What Signifies Little or Nothing . Printer . Then I 'm like to make a very hopeful Bargain this Morning ; and grow Rich like a Jacobite , that would part with his Property , for a Speculative Bubble . Author . Be not angry ; for the same Estimate and Epithet the greatest Divines give to the whole World. Printer . I don 't like their Characters , or Epithets ; f●r I believe there 's a real value in our Coine ; and I know little of their Spiritual Notions , neither will I puzzle my Head about what they tell me I can't rightly Vnderstand . Auth. I could convince you , that you are in the wrong , in being so Indifferent about Enquiring into the Cause , Nature , and Value of Things . Prin. I am , in this point , a Quaker ; and will not by Reason be Convinc'd . Pray , Sir , tell me , am I to Buy a Shop-full of Empty Pastboard-Boxes , or not ? Auth. Sir they are full . Print . Why then do you put over the Door , That the Goods Signify Little , or Nothing ? 'T is a strange sort of Information , to expect to get Customers by . Auth. I had several Reasons that induc'd me to put this Title to my Book ; and not to keep you longer upon the Fret , I will tell you some of them . First , The natural inquisitive Humour that reigns in all Mankind after Novelty ; for no sooner will the Title be Read , or Cry'd , but the Reader , or Hearer , will query what it 's about , conclude it some Maggot or other , and to be satisfi'd , will Buy it ; so you 'll gain by his Curiosity . Then I 've known many dull Books that have sold well , by the help of an Ingenious , or Whimsical Title . Puffe me , Puffe mo , Puffe cannot stay , Colle molle Puff ; the Odness and Maggot of that Cry , has sold the Fellow many a Tart ; for many Persons who only out of Curiosity have peep'd into his Basket , have found something or other that pleas'd them . Besides the Title is a pro po , because the Subjects I write about , tho' they make a great bustle in the World , yet their Conclusions , or Produce , are very Frivolous , Insignificant , and answer not the End design'd . Print . To what purpose did you spend your time in Writing on such Subjects ? And why should I be at the labour of Printing , or charge of Paper ? Auth. Print it by all means ; it may imploy some to add to it , the History of the Printer . Print . What , that my Pains was Labour in Vain , and Charge signify'd Little or Nothing ? I am mightily oblig'd to you for the method you have taken to Expose me to Laughter : But let it prove as it will , if I Buy the Devil , I 'll try to Sell him . But if your Whim ●on't take , I 'll never buy Goods again before I 've look'd over the whole parcel . Labour in Uain : OR , What Signifies Little or Nothing . The Poor Man's Petitioning at Court. HOW Fruitless and Empty the Requests of the Poor have return'd at Court , whether they have been for I●stice or Mercy , is apparent from a Thousand Instan●e● : And one I 'll relate to you , without Peevish 〈◊〉 Reflecting upon any particular Court , for the Pauper's Petition is alike neglected ( by what I 've Seen , Hear'd , or Read ) in every Court. A Gentleman ( fitly Qualifi'd ) who by permission had Purchased an Imploy for Life , under a King , and to his Successors , was , upon a Successor's coming to the Crown ( tho' he had taken Oaths of Allegiance , and done what was requisite , according to Law , for Qualification ) to feed the Avarice , or gratify the wicked Bounty of a certain Person , to whose care the Managery was intrusted , was turn'd out , with only the Madmans humourous Reason , Sic Iub●o , sic Volo . By which unjust ( at least unkind ) usage , he had very little left to maintain himself , Wife , and four Children . At once his Quondam Friends sounded Retreat , Wou'd scarce afford good Words , and mu●h less M●at To see his Face , they 'd never after Care , As if his very Looks Insectious were : Like Careful Bees , to their own Hives they f●ew : As he from Fortune , they from him withdrew ▪ I cannot forbear in this place putting the Epithet Wicked , to that Generous Virtue , Bounty ; since here 't was a powerful Robbery committed upon one Mans Right , to seem Bounteous in a Bequest to another . The depriv'd Man hurt , complain'd with all the respect a Supplicant should use , but his Prayer was answer'd with a Negative . Afterwards he serv'd that King without Pay in His Army abroad ; and upon the death of the Possessor of his Imploy , he again pray'd to be Restor'd ; upon which prayer he had an Order for the next Vacancy ; which when happen'd , a certain Gentleman , who but a short time before had presented the Depriv'd Man to the King , in the Army , and had given it under his Hand , That he had been turn'd out without cause , and that he serv'd as a Volunteer ; gave it again under his Hand , That the poor Petitioners alledging to have serv'd in the Army , was a mistake ; and his last Act ( the former , in good manners , I 'll believe being forgot ) was credited ; so Order and Petition were both dismiss'd , to the Ruine of the Man , and his Family . OBSERVATION . By this true Relation is evident , the little success that is to be expected from the poor unhappy Man's Petitioning against a Man in Power ; for when he pleases , he Blackens and Misrepresents an Underling ; and what a Favourite says , is easily believ'd . Then tell me how the Poor shall find relief , Or gain a Cure for Vndeserved Grief , Their Fate depending on a King's Belief . In such a Case , a Prince is the easiest Man in the World to be Impos'd on , considering the vast multitude of Affairs that Center in His Ordering and Manage , the particular Cognizance of all which , 't is impossible for Him to take ; for upon a kind of Necessity He is oblig'd to have His knowledg of several Affairs from the report that those about Him are pleas'd to make ; and what Man will tell a Story to his own disadvantage ? And who can tell it but the Favorite , whilst the poor Petitioner is debarr'd Access ? Before a Fav'rite , none shall be believ'd And 'gainst the Rich , 't is hard to be Believ'd : In vain you offer up an empty Prayer , Which Fattens not the Courtier , or his Heir ; Something that 's Solid , and of real Good , ( At least for such by Worldlings understood ) Must be presented , if you 'd favour find , Which rarely warms th' Endowments of the Mind ; But to the Fortunate , and Rich are kind . Since Money weighs down Iustice and Desert , The Poor's Desires don't signifie a Fart . Expectations of Benefit from a Covetous Man in his Life-time . QVis Pauper ? Avaras : An admirable and proper Answer to the Question ; because the Covetous Man wanteth that which he hath , as well as that which he hath not , as proves true by the following relation . A Friend of mine ( if a Covetous Man can be so ) of Gentile Extraction , and sutable Educa●i●● , having a competent Estate of four hundred Pounds per Annum , an● a thousand Pounds in Money left him , which Revenue as far exceeded his desire of Living , as it came short of his desire of Acquiring ; for he no sooner had the Possession , but he retrench'd the usual Expences of the Family ; he sav'd Charge , by putting away the Mouths that caus'd it ; and the only Servant that he kept , liv'd almost like a Bear in Greenland , on the Nourishment he had got in the Summer of the Fathers Life time . In short , no Anchorite liv'd more sparing than he , unless it were upon anothers cost , and then 't was a covetous humour made him Eat and Drink like a Glutton and a Drunkard . In all his Actions he was Base ; He would Steal his own Goods , to make his Servant pay for them : By such sordid ways his Wealth was accumulated ; he sold the Mansion-House , because the Purchase-Money would yield a greater profit than the Rent amounted to ; and retir'd from a great House ( not from Plenty and Abundance ) to a less , that he could not Rent out : By such Niggardly Methods , in proc●ss of time , he had heap'd up a very great Treasure . There was a Young hopeful Gentleman , his Nephew , who expected to ●●ap the fruits of his Covetousness , that often came to visit him ; and w●s always Complaisant , sooth'd , and commended every Humour , which I take to be the right way of Pleasing ; for certain ( at least du●ing the time of prevailing Fancy , or Action ) every Man is pleas'd with his own Sentiments , or Doings ; so consequently loves to have them approv'd , and applauded . He gr●●●●i'd the Misers Appetite at his own Expence , his Pantrey and his ●ellar were always ready to gratify his least motion of desire , his C●●ch and Horses attended his occasions ; he baulk'd his own Hu●ou● , neglected his pleasant and facetious Companions , and con●●●● himself to Oblige his Sordid Temper . Tho' it must be confess'd S●●●-interest mov'd him , yet it pleas'd the Wretch , when he advised him to secure his Treasure , that no Rachel , or other , might Steal his God. He Christned his Son of the Iew 's Name , he did , what not ? to Oblige him . He defended him from Robbers at the peril of his own Life : Nay more , He justify'd his base Principles , contrary to his 〈◊〉 : But all the Returns that were paid to these Services , ●e●e Mountain-Promises , whilst in his Cups ; but Molehills , or no ●erformances , when Sober . Afterwards this Obliging Gentleman fell by misfortune into Straits and Necessities , so that his Family wanted convenient Subsistance ; yet the other pitiless , and unconcern'd , return'd no good Nature , no Charity , no grateful Act , for all his generous Obligations ; not so much as even common Humanity would out of Mercy oblige a very Iew to show to a Stranger in Misery . After the Miser had Bought what he had left , for half the value , he forbid him his House , and whenever he met him , he pass'd by him as a Stranger . At last , Intestate , the miserable Rascal Dies ; for the very Thought of disposing of his Riches , would have been as Mortal as a Cannon Shot : So Volens N●lens , what he left , fell to this Gentleman . But I had almost forgot to tell you , That his Jealous Temper ( which must accompany the Covetous , let their Avarice be fix'd on what it will ) made him Bury a great part of his Money and Writings , so that a great deal was lost for want of the knowledge of the Concealments . OBSERVATION . A Covetous Desire is properly applicable to self , for even when I seem to desire the Advantage of another , there is something of self in the matter ; and it must be allow'd that he I wish well , is my Friend ; tho' anothers being my Enemy , only makes him so ; so by my desire , I gratifie my own Inclination in my Friends Advantage , or please my Anger , in my Enemies Disadvantage ; a Covetous Mans Thoughts center in his own Prosit , and what good goes besides him , he counts by Providence wrong apply'd ; then 't is Idle to expect , that he that Covets all , should frustrate his vast Design , by giving me a part ; as Covetousness is a Selfish humour , 't is impossible it should be diffusive . The Misers Wish , is of a vast Extent , And would Engross , beneath the Firmament , All that it likes ; still Covetous , would try To Merchandize with Spirits of the Sky . His Wishes only to Advantage tend , From Self's their Origin , in Self they End ; So cannot be Diffusive to a Friend . In Vain a Favour you expect from such , You may as well expect one from the D — . The Marriage of an Old Man to a Young Woman . THe mutual Disapointments that commonly thwart , and hinder the Happiness expected by the Marriage of an Old Man to a Young Woman , the following Story sets forth : An Ancient Gentleman , whose head Age had Powder'd like a Beau's , who in his Sp●ightly Youth could at Sight answer the Expectations of the most Lascivious Female , as Doctors Commons and Parish-Books could Witness , he had liv'd a Libertine Life , and had never thoughts of Marriage , till he was Three Score and Ten , when he happen'd into the Company of a Beautiful Young Woman , whose Charms , and Behaviour bl●w away the Ashes that covered the Fire that remain'd in the Brands end , so that it made a Faint Blaze , which ( of late unaccustom'd ) warmth made the ( willing to be Deceiv'd ) Senior fancy that there was yet a great Stock of Vigour in his Veins , that would answer the ends of Marriage ; thus when Lechery had left his Tail , and agitated only by Desire , fancy'd mighty Performances in his Lustful Brain , he Courts this Lady for his Bride , who had not the Charms to renue an old Aeson's Age , sensible that his expiring Flame could not long last , he was Impatient of delay ; so by continual Courtship he try'd to watch his Mistress , like a Hawk , into Compliance ; but 't was perswasive Money that made her Consent to endure a Lenten Pennance , in Expectation of an happy Easter after his Death . In short , for filthy Lucre Married him , and submitted herself to his ●eeble Threescore and Ten Years Attempts , after his fluttering all the Wedding Day , they were put to Bed , ( I think that word suitable to his Age ) and after Sack-Posset Eat , and Stocken thrown , the Company withdrew , and left them to themselves . When he fail'd in Performance , she was frustrated in her Expectation , so that their Marriage signified Little or Nothing . OBSERVATION . The Answer I make , to those that will say , Every Body knew this Story before , is , That tho' I pretend to Write Novel's , I don't Novelties , but to dress up something that for one Meal may be Pleasing , and of grateful Gust ; and perhaps some Observation may be made from this Story worthy Self-Application : But tho' the Reader do not , I will , to continue the Method I first Design'd . To Attempt any thing , which nothing but ( almost ) a Miracle can make Successful , is Folly and Madness ; and little less , can move a Man of Threescore Years and Ten to do — to any purpose . An Old Man Marrying a Young Woman , is like laying down a good Joynt of Meat , to an almost Consumed Fire , which will blaze a while , but by the sudden decay , for want of Fuel , will make it but luke Warm : He is counted a Blockhead that pretends to set up a Trade , when he is past Labour , without he takes an able Journeyman ; and I believe in this Case , no Man will willingly admit of a Journeyman to manage his Commodity , and without one ( by effects may be judg'd ) the Marriage will signifie little towards Procreation . Disappointments must happen to the Man from Natural Consequence , notwithstanding the mighty belief of his Abilities . I have known from Powerful Fancy , when a Child has been tyred with Walking , yet Imagining he Rode when he had a Switch between his Legs , would Imitate the Trot and Gallop , for a small while , without complaining ; but presently the weakness and Imbecility of his Feet , made him sensible his Natural Strength ( tho' agitated by Desire ) could not carry him to his desired home : So the Old , whose Vigorous heat is Spent , may imagine if he get a Cock Horse , how furiously he 'll Ride ; but like the tyred Child , his Natural decay will appear . The Man being deceived , by Consequence the Woman must ; and what sad Effects do such Disappointments cause , are Evident from the future carriage of both Man and Woman : He grows Jealous , unwilling another should Feed , tho' he himself can't make use of the Dainties ; then the Poor abused Woman is watch'd , perhaps confin'd , and her whole Life made uneasie . Like a poor Man ( cajoll'd by mighty Promises ) transported to the West-Indies ; when he comes there , finding himself a Slave , to the Beck and Rod of an Imperious Patron , being fast bound by Contract , has no hopes of Liberty , but from the Expiration of time ; such is the Condition of a Young Woman , who flatter'd with the belief of Fond Doting Dalliance , and Plenty , is betray'd into the Slavery of Marriage , with an Old Fellow , she has no hopes of D●liverance from , but by the Expiration of her Disagreeable Husbands Life ; her Youthful heat meeting with the Icy coldness of his Age , causes thunder in the House : Continual Jars forbid all hopes of Peace . When Waves Swol'n high by force of mighty Wind , They fiercely meet , and are in Bat●●c joyn'd ; The frothy Salt , with motion 's set on Fire ; But Wash'd with Native Water , soon expire : So toss'd by Billows of remaining Lust , Which Shuffles up and down the Aged Dust , Salt Sparks are blown into a sudden Flame , But Ages Moisture soon does quench the same . The old Mans boasting Promises in Love , Do little signifie , as Women prove ; 'T is Vapour all , and Limber as my Glove . In Vain the Aged Man hopes to Receive Blessings , which only Spritely Youth can give ; In Vain a Women does expect a Trade , From one whom Stingy Age has Bankrupt made ; Such Disappointments happen to them both , Which makes the Marriage prove of little worth . The Reverse of this Story , which is an Old Woman Marrying to a Young Fellow , is to the full as ridiculous , and signifies as little to a mutual Content . Endeavours to Regulate Mens Manners by Preaching or Writing . THE present Age is not so very Vertuous , but that we may meet with examples in almost every Company and Conversation , that demonstrates the little Efficacy the well design'd Writings and Publick Teaching of Good Men have had , towards Reformation of Manners , and the Practice of Vertue . But not being willing to expose particularly the Insensibility that appears either in my own Life , by not Amending , and Correcting my reprov'd Actions , or in the general Practice of any Fellow-Country-men ; I have pitch'd upon the History of Socrates , so far as it agrees with my Design ; that is , to show how little the good Documents he Taught , signified to the Reform or Benefit of the Athenians , and the Odium they caused from those he endeavour'd to Amend . Socrates , who was Born in a small Village called 〈◊〉 ▪ under the Athenian Jurisdiction ; is commonly called the A●●eni●n , to distinguish him from several others , of that Name , one of which Wrote the History of Argos , another was a Bat●ynia● , &c. This Socrates the Athenian , was taught Philosophy und●r Anaxagoras , he was a Man of great Temperance , of a strong Constitution , one who enquir'd into the Nature of Sublime things , Studied Humanity , Practised and Publickly Preached , to poor and Rich , Vertue and Good Manners ; to be silent , and not to reprove Wicked Men , he counted a Crime against the Gods ; to Discourse of Vertue , he esteem'd as a great Happiness ; and imploying himself almost constantly in instructing of the Citizens , he neglected mightily his private Affairs , so that he was Poor , and told the Athenians , that he ought to be Maintained out of the Prytaneum , or Publick Store-House : That he ought to be Rewarded more then a Victor , for the Conqueror could but make them appear to be Happy , when by his Instructions in Vertue ( if Practised ) they would really be so , not only from present Serenity of Mind , but in Futuro ; for he believed an Immortality of the Soul , and the very day he Died , he imploy'd in Discoursing of , and by Convincive Arguments to his Friends prov'd the Souls Indivisibility , and Consequently Immortality ; he Taught as he Believ'd , that nothing of Evil could happen to a Good Man , his Concerns being taken Care of by the Gods ; but notwithstanding his Eloquent perswasive Speeches upon so Noble a Subject , as Vertue , which for its own Sake , ought to attract Mens Inclinations , and Affections ; the Athenians were so far from Reforming from their Accustom'd Immoralities , that Miletus , Anytus , and others , accused him , as Guilty of a Capital Crime , for Instructing the People in the ways of Vertue , and for Reproving them , when they Acted contrary to Morality and good Manners : They were so Exasperated against him for his Good Endeavours to introduce Honesty and Piety , Inconsistent with their Practice , that without a Confronting Witness , they Condemn'd him to Death ; which Sentence was put in Execution by a Draught of Poyson . By which Barbarous usage , 't is Apparent that all his Te●●hing signified little towards the Reformation of the Lives of ●is Fellow Citizens . OBSERVATION . Tho Licentiousness is more agreeable , and facile to the deprav'd Nature of Mankind ; yet almost every Age hath produc'd a Preaching Experienc'd Solomon , a Socrates , a Plato , or some such Good Men , who have Endeavour'd by Writing and Teaching , back'd with the Inducing Reasons of a present Serenity of Mind , that must upon N●cessity Accompany Vertuous Actions , or the Glorious Prospect of an Unconceivable Reward hereafter ; to perswade Men by Arguments , Conducing to self Interest , ( which in all other Cases is prevailent ) to Practice Piety , Honesty and Civility , yet what poor Crops have the Stony Soil produc'd , every Age against it self is Witness . The Libertinism of an Heathen , I don't so much wonder at , because he has no Thoughts of Futurity to Check his Mad Career ; but that Men who are dayly Taught , and Instructed in Piety , and Morality , and who upon a Self-query , will own that they really Believe to do Good , is for their Advantage , should Act directly contrary to their Belief , is an Extravagant Madness , not to be parallell'd : Is there no Remedy for so Great , and Contagious an Evil to be found ? Yes , an Heathen teaches me one , Trabimur Exemplis Plus Quam Praeceptis ; for if those in Power and Greatness Practised Vertue , the Underlings would Imitate ; if 't were Customary , every one would be in the Fashion : But whilst Vice and Immorality are Countenanc'd by the Great , Orders for keeping the Sabbath , and against Prophanness , are of little Efficacy ; for when the great Fish break the Net , the little ones will go out at the Rent . Tho' arguing for Vertue , and good Manners , is highly to be Commended , yet the little Reformation we find , shows that hitherto it has signified Little or Nothing . He that would bar me of a coming Ioy , And by strict Rules , my Liberty Destroy , In Trammels makes me Pace away my Life , 'Twixt Nature and his Rules is constant strife ; So Irksom , and Vneasie I must be , By Reason of their great Antipathy ; This is the Language of th' Vnthinking Man , Who led by Custom , loves to be Prophane ; And will not change his Road , what e're you Teach , Scarce tho' a Jonah once again should Preach : But still that Monkey , Man , would Imitate , And Virtue Practice , Copy'd from the Great . Examples , wanting Precepts , are but Vain ; And moving Arguments in florid strain , Won't make the Blockish Crow'd from Ill Refrain . Being a Jacobite . ONE , who out of Good Manners , I must stile a Gentleman , because he justly Claims that Title from his Ancestors ; and it must be allow'd him now , even in his Adversity , since his Accounted Crimes of Omission , in not actually complying to the Laws in force , proceed from the Dictates of his Conscience , and not from an Obstinate Spirit of Contradiction ; for tho' this Gentlemans Opinion will not permit him to comply in the Active part , yet out of Submission to the Laws of his Countrey , without refractoriness , he 's Obedient in the Passive . This Gentleman ( as many others ) is at this time term'd a Iacobite , as being the title Customarily used , in Opposition to Williamite ; concluding , that he that is not for me , is against me . Upon the Revolution in the Year 1688 , ( which by Unfathom'd Providence was brought about , so contrary to Rational Appearance , that after Ages will hesitate at the Belief of the Heroick Attempts of the present King , and the Unaccountable Manage of the last ) this Man was turn'd out of several Considerable Imploys , ( or rather he turn'd himself out , for it cannot be expected , that any will be 〈◊〉 ( unless by Power to those that will not serve them ) strip'd of 〈◊〉 In●omes , he for a while handsomly subsisted ; but seeding con●●●ntly upon last Years Crop , without Sowing for another Harvest , ●is Gra●●ry was Empted without hopes of Replenishing , without a Miracle ; Reduc'd , he herded with those of his own Opinion , that by the Benevolence of Fortune were able to relieve him , and did Generously for a time ; but continual Dependence made him sensible of the Bitterness of the Curse : The Undervaluing Slights , the ●y●ing Attendance , often Refusals , beggarly Loans , Reprimands , Advice too late given , all which , with appearing Patience , by force he was oblig●d ( if he would Eat ) to undergo , made him almost distracted in his Thoughts . The impending Misery of want by its near approach , appearing Dreadful and Afrightning , put him upon the St●dious Thoughts , how to subsist for the future . He considered the many reasons drawn from self Interest , and other Powerful 〈◊〉 , for Conforming to the present Government ; the general 〈◊〉 , and Practice of many , whose Learning and Integrity he could 〈◊〉 call in question ( unless he should Contradict his own Experience ) made him bring his Manage into Examination , and his Rational Arguments made him often Waver , and query the Prudence of his Opinion ; so far , that he had some thoughts of Conforming to what the Representatives of the Nation had agreed ; but having so long stood out , he could have no hopes of being received with that favour , so as to be trusted in any considerable Imploy ; either Civil , Military , or Ecclesiastical ; he was too Poor , and of too little Interest , to expect an Honourable Title ; too Illiterate to be made a Dean , too well known to be trusted with the Managing of a Secret in National Affairs ; so he stuck to his old Principals tho' he reap'd no Advantage by them , for Poverty like Ivie twines to the Iacobite , and spoils his Growth ; his Opinion Contradicting in general , to the Sentiments of the greatest part of the Nation , was so far from being any ways Advantagious to him , that it expos'd him to want ; and debar'd him from the hopes of repairing his Ruined Fortunes . OBSERVATION . THIS Story is equally applicable to Iacobite , Williamite , Wigg , Tory , or what other Name of Distinction is given to any Man , who Rows not with the common Stream that the River of his Country runs ; he tugs against the Tide , and makes very little Progress . To oppose the General Sentiments of a Country , is drawing up-hill by choice , and gives just cause for People to call a Man's Judgment in Question , since there is a nearer , and down-hill beaten Path at Hand ; 't is something like going in the Strand , towards the Horse-Guard , on a Sunday in the Evening , when one has the trouble of meeting the Current of the City Gentry , going from the Park ; he that complies not to the Practice of a Nation , , appears like one in a Sad-coloured Coat , bearing Arms amongst the Guard at White-hall , he is star'd at ; and if observ'd by a Superior , will be Punished . Relating to a Man's Compliance , or Non-Compliance , ought to be considered ; whether what required be consonant to Juice , and Self-Preservation , argued Pro and Con , in refference to Spiritual , and Temporal Affairs , the last not contradicting the formers positive Commands . And sure I am , or must appear to be , by rational Men , much Wiser , or more Blockish , than the rest of the Nation , in a General Council consenting , if I oppose , or refuse Conformity to its Agreement . Parallel Examples ought to be search'd for , and the method of Proceedings , that have been commonly taken by others , approv'd by future Allowance to have been Just , and fitting to be done , ought to Guide , and mightily Sway me to concord to such approv'd Precedents ; for if a Man disagrees out of a particular Opinion , or Interest , he , as far as in him lyes , calls the discretion of a great many in Question , and battles a number with his opiniated Reason , from such Proceeding , one can expect no Benefit , or Reputation . No Advantage , because none will trust another ( in any thing of Weight ) that is of a contrary Perswasion ; because 't is reasonable to believe , that every Man is inclinable to act what sutes best to his Fancy , and most conducting to bring to effect his desired Aim : So , instead of serving that Interest by which intr●sted , to gratify his real Sentiments , he 'll betray the secrets to him committed . What is i● Vogue carries a present Reputation , ( than being a Iacobite ) must consequently cause an undervaluing , and so Sig●ify Little , or Nothing . Allow Sentiments offer'd , right , or wrong , If Iudge and Iury too , joyn with rhe Throng ; In Contradiction to the present Thought , My sole Opinion signifieth nought . 'T is ▪ over-rul'd , and I am surely cast , Which proves the fate of Separists at last ; For to oppose tde Torrent of a Stream , Resist a greater Power , is like my Dream , Which fancies mighty Riches , mighty Power , But Poor and Weak , I meet the waking Hour ; With a Probatim est some sadly tell , What once they were , to what they now are fell . Confining an Insolvent Debtor . A Grave Citizen , an Alderman's Fellow , by Losses and Crosses , and GOD knows what , was reduc'd to the necessity of leaving his House , and moving himself and Effects into the Sanctuary for Bankrupts , White-Fryars ; where , for a while he confin'd himself to his Chamber , and when he went out , the Company seasoned to the Place , who were no proud Men , but would quickly be acquainted without Ceremony , made him asham'd , and blush like a young Sinner , the C●rtains undrawn ▪ with care he soon cast up his Books ; and substracting his Debtors from his Creditors , he found a greater Ballance due than he was able to pay ; but willing ( as 't is natural for all Creatures ) to be at Liberty , he summoned his Creditors , and o●fered them ten Shillings for every Pound , reserving for himself but a small Pittance to subsist on , or lay a new Found●tion for fresh Credit : But some ( Iews in Practice ) refus'd a Compliance to any Abatement , and resolved to make Dice of his Bones : Their Cruelty griev'd and afflicted him so much , that his Sorrow and Concern was apparent in his Face ; and being ask'd the Reason , he told that his Creditors Non-compliance was the cause of it ; upon which , a Doctor in the Civil Laws of the Place , took him to Task ; told him his Security there ; brought Examples and Precedents how Tom such an one , and Sir Iohn such an one , had us'd their Creditors , and brought them to Compliance : Unmerciful Rogues ! What ? Refuse to take Ten Shillings in the Pound ? If I might advise you , they should not have above half a Crown ; I intend to give mine but Eighteen Pence ; sure you are not such a Fool to part with all , and suffer your self and Family to want : Such Company , such Examples , such Documents have wash'd away the honest first Intents of many a Man , but it could not flote his ; for he still design'd , to his Power , to satisfy every Body ; but unwilling to be Caged in a closer Prison , he there Liv'd ; and spending upon the main Stock constantly , it wasted so fast , that at his next Proposal to his Creditors , he could offer but Fi●e Shillings , which was also rejected : And some time after not being watchful of his Ways , the Catchpoles siez'd him at the Suit of an old protesting Friend of his , a Neighbour , for whom he woutd sent , hoping Mercy from th●r former intimate Acqunintance ; but the Officers telling him 't would be to no purpose , since that Warrant which they nam'd to him , was but one amongst Twenty they had against him ; so after squeezing him out of Twenty Shillings for Dinner , Ale , and Brandy , they lodged him in the Compter ; where his Fellow-Prisoners flock'd about him , some pulling this way , some that , like Water-men at turn of Ebb at Billinsgate ; all calling for Ga●nish , which clamorous demand never ceased till he had paid it The want of Liberty made him value it more than ever , and desiring next to Life his Liberty ; he with Prayers intreated his Creditors to accept of all that he had , but they refused it , and would not believe that he gave a true or just account , though he offer'd to make Oath of it ; so , by lying there , the poor Man for Ne●essaries consumed , what merciful men would have been contented with , when the Parliament , out of Consideration of the Misery that many ( not able to pay their Debts ) in Prison endured , ordered a Discharge upon such and such Conditions , under the which he was comprehended , and consequently discharged , without paying one Farthing ; whereas , if the Creditors had formerly comply'd , they might have had half their Debts , and the Man his Liberty ; so their consining him prov'd their Detriment . And the like happen to others , when the Insolvent Die in Custody ; for where 't is not to be had , the King must loose his Right . OBSERVATION . SUCH have been the Fate of many Insolvent Debtors ; and such have prov'd the Return to many uncharitable and cruel Creditors ; and I believe all merciful Men will think the last deserv'd it : Expectation to recover Debts by consining an insolvent Man , whereby he is debar'd of opportunity to acquire wherewithal to pay his Debts , is an Aegyptian Proposal , To make Brick without Straw , quod ultra posse , now est esse . 'T is a very good Law in the Signiory of Biscay , that no Native Biscayner shall be Imprisoned for Debt above Forty Eight Hours ; but the Creditor in that time shall have Judgment against whatsoever Effects shall be found to be his , or what afterwards he either by Labour , Art , or otherwise shall acquire , yet upon giving Security , not to depart the Signiory , he shall be discharged out of Custody , to get his Livelihood . I have heard that in Holland no Creditor shall keep in Prison an insolvent Debtor , unless he will maintain him there , with subsistance to preserve his Life : But here in England in this point , we out-do the Dutch in Cruelty , confining People to Starve , contrary to Humanity , Mercy , or Policy . One may as reasonably expect his Dog should catch an Hare , when chain'd to a Post , as a poor Debtor should in a Goal get wherewithall to pay his Debts . Ask ●ut the cruel Man , what he would ●a●e From h●● poor Debtor , to his will a Slave Confin'd in Prison , presently he 'll say My Money , yet acts quite contrary way To gain his end ; for , how can one expect , Where no Cause moves , there should be an Effect . What silly Farmer will confine his Cow From needf●l Herbage , for no hear der Low For Food ; or in reason can he believe , By such Confinement , he shall Milk receive : As silly is the Hope , when you confine A Man Insolvent , for to raise the Coyn. Promise of Secrecy in a Conspiracy . THO' I could produce variety of Instances out of Ancient History suitable to this Subject , yet I have chose one which has come to the knowledge , and is still fresh in the Memory of almost every Englsh Man , to show the little Trust and Confidence that is to be given to the solemn Promises of Secrecy in a Conspiracy , or wicked Design . In the Year 169 several angry discontented Men club'd to the hatching a Plot or Conspiracy for subverting the present Government ; and for the more certainty of effecting it , designed , contrary to Honour , and common Humanity , to take off the present Head , that the Limbs might be in Confusion , wanting an immediate Director for their Motion , so in the hurly burly to have Proclaimed one , who unhappily has too much Proclaimed himself . There i● no need of mentioning their Design at large , or the Progress they had made , every Man knowing the drift of their Conspiracy , and the Conspirators ; so I 'll only take Notice , that after their Plot was laid , the Assassinators agreed on , and Secrecy sworn to , at the Sun-Tavern , and other Places , some of them ( false , first to their Country , then to their Adherents ) discovered the Conspiracy . I wish 't were done out of a repentant Principle , and believing a Promise to do Evil ought not to be kept ; but their covetous siliciting for Rewards induce me to believe , that the Principle of Self-interest was the chief Motive of their Discovery ; but let it proceed from what cause soever , 't is apparent , that the Obligations under which they were engaged , were not of Force to keep the Secret undiscovered , The like Discoveries have been made at Venice , at Rome , at Genoua , and in almost all the the Kingdoms on the Earth ; tho' the greatest Cautions and Securities that Self-preservation , or aspiring Ambition could invent , to tye up the conseiling Tongue , have been made use of ; he that will be a Villain in attempting a great Evil , is not to be trusted ; for 't is probable he will be so in a lesser , especially if he expects to reap advantage by it . OBSERVATION . SELDOM any Resolution is so fix'd , but that apparent benefit , as Self-preservation , or Riches , will alter it , especially when the Resolve is evil , for no Man , though never so much prompted by Ambition , Avarice , Lust or Revenge , but has a Monitor within , which Dictates to him , that his Resolve and Attempt is Evil in it self ; and from what one 's Reason informs to be bad , a Man is easily drawn from Effecting : So we find many Men who dare undaunted , look Death in the Face in a just Cause , will Recant and appear Cowards , when Ill is to be attempted , from whence has proceeded many Discoveries of Plots and Conspiracies , to the Secresie of which , Men have Oblig'd themselves by all the Tyes that are counted Sacred and Binding ; such are to be counted Repentants , because they discover the Design out of an Odium to the Evil. But some , without Considering Good or Evil , in Relation to Futurity , discover the secret Conspiracies with them intrusted , not lor Conscience , but for Lucre sake , others when their first Heat is over , grow Pusilanimous , and confess to save their Lives ; sometimes insinite Wisdom confounds their Councils and Devices , lead them into Errors and Mistakes , and by ways unimaginable , bring to Light the hidden things of Darkness . Whilst a protecting Providence do sway , Whilst Men Inspir'd dictates do obey , Whilst Life has Value , and Reward has Love , Protested Secresie in Ill does prove Of small Validity ; the first will act What 's Consonant to Iustice of a Fact : The Second by Impulsive Power Command , What wo'n't Man do to keep his wasting Sand ▪ And bountiful Reward makes Men betray Their dearest Kin , and Friendship wipes away ▪ Subject to Power , and tempted by a Bait , Too pleasing to deny , of little weight Proves promis'd Privacy ; then why should I Meddle in Plots , in Hopes of Secresie ? The Progress of an Enquirer after Places . THOUGH Disappointments are in some Degree or other , most commonly the Companions that attend and thwart the Hopes and Expectations of all Mankind ; yet have I not observ'd more Disappointments generally to accompany any Attempt , than I have the Endeavours , and Designs , to get into Reputable Places and Employments , as by the Sequel will appear . An Engl●sh Gentleman , who by Hospitality amongst his County Neighbours , had Spent the greatest part of his Estate ; having very little , besides the Mansion Seat of his Family left , seeing himself Slighted by those very Men who had largely tasted of his Bounty , seriously began to Consider , how he sho●ld still Support himself in some Credible Reputation ; and after he had run over several designing Thoughts , and Built Castles in the Air , he at last six'd upon the common Hopes of getting a Place , or Employ at London . To effect which , he presently Sold the remaining part of his Estate ; and to London he came , to put in Practice the Scheme he had Drawn , for raising once again his Fortune . His first Application was , to be sure , to one of the worthy Burgesses that Serv'd for a Neighbouring Corporation , who by the Charms of Bribery , and by Virtue of his strong Drink , had carried the Election Nemine Contradicente ; him he acquainted with his Design , and desir'd his kind Assistance , who presently Promised Fair for Country sake , thô he was an Irishman ; upon his Promise , every Morning he danc'd Attendance , at the Levee of my Dear Ioy ; and when he walk'd , he kept Cringing on his Larboard Quarter , not presuming to go Check by Iowl with one of the Representatives of the Nation ; who had the same Business during the whole Sessions of Parliament , that he had during the Term-time , two Motions a Day , to Westminster and back again ; but finding his Waiting , and the other's Promises , would Signify the same thing , and the Senator being gone to Tanoridge , where the Proverb was on his side , he bethought himself what farther Methods were to be taken ; and luckily finding upon a Coffee-house Table , a Paper Intituled , A Collection for Improvement of Husbandry and Trade , by John Houghton , F. R. S. Wherein he found , that he knew of several that wanted Men so or so Qualified or Recommended , and several that were so and so Qualified and Recommended , that wanted the Imployments which others wanted to have Officiated . At first view he thought this Paper as a Pillow of Light to guide him in the Dark : But upon examining the Inquiries after Places and Imploys , and those that wanted Agents , found they answer'd one another's Occasions , and that there was not one Agent enquired after , but there was the same Place sought for ; so he dispair'd of Success from that , seeing every one's Occasion might be supplied . Though his Sleep , or rather Slumbers , was unquiet and short , occasioned by the concern that hagg'd his Thoughts about his future earthly well Being , yet his lying Awake was more tormenting to him , as much as Impending want had then a more lively Impression , than his drowsy Fancy could Represent ; so trying , as if it were to avoid himself , he arose , slighting Beauish Formality , soon dress'd himself , and went to Man's Coffee-house , where , though 't was early in the Morning , he found Talkative Will , a tall elderly Man , with his own Hair , diverting the Company , sometimes in English , sometimes in French ; in both Languages he told Stories as improbable to be true as all D. O's Narrative . He took upon him the States-man , and told the Company he knew of Funds that would have rais'd Money enough to defray the Charge of the War , without being any pressure to the Subject : He blam'd all that he was pleas'd to think Mismanagement in the Concerns of the Nation ; and then gravely told them , how all might have been prevented , which every Block-head can do , after the Act is past ; and , for the future how he would have things managed ; but Mercy upon us if Affairs were to be ordered by his Managery , ( looking upon his own Conduct ) it may reasonably be believed , they would have been Ten times worse directed . After he had Rail'd at several particular Persons , whose names he did not tell . ( but describ'd them plainer than I do him ) He grumbled at the Bounty bestow'd upon Favorites ; but I suppose his Cozen Harry's Humour then possess'd him , who always Rails when he is Poor ; 〈…〉 a Bounty is in his Pocket , ( which never wears it out ) 〈…〉 as much for Prai●ing , as when Penniless in Railing and Re●●cting . If Variety be pleasing , sure Mr William's Discourse wa● diverting ; for he run over Stories ( as much as the time would allow ) of Men and Women , of all Qualities , all sorts of Countries , Governments , Languages , Horses , Dogs , Cocks , Wine , Snaff , &c. as positively as if he had been an Eye or Ear-witness , had Travell'd them all over , been a Privy-Councellor in every one of them ; a Professor of Languages , own'd , or layed Wagers , Drank , ●asted , or Snuff'd or every sort : But at last took opportunity , though no occasion offered ) to tell how nigh he was Related to , and how he was belov'd and respected by a Dutch Engl●sh Nobleman ; which at last startled my Inquirer from the Confusion the medley of his Discourse had put him into , and brought into his Thought , that this Gentleman's Interest might do him a Kindness . His approaching Necessity having made him confident beyond his natural Temper , he presently enquired the Gentleman's Name and Lodging , and that Day waited upon him , and in short desired his Favour towards helping him to an Imploy sit for a Gentleman , and at the same time promised to be grateful ; Mr. William , who never wants complimental Civility , told him , that he would assist him in what lay in his Power , and mentioned to him several Places that he might endeavour to get ; but knowing none then Vacant , he desired he would meet him on the Morrow , when he would bring a Man ( meaning his Cozen Harry ) whom the Cobweb Laws cannot consine , though in close Confinement ▪ who knew of Forty to be dispos'd of . The next Day , according to appointment , they all met , and Harry cajoll'd my ●●quirer , and fitted his Humour to a T — ; indeed he must be o● a very stingy Temper whom he cann't please , for he is really a very sensible Gentleman . My Inquirer's Desires were made known to him ; and Harry ( who never parts with a Man , but he leaves him a plausible prospect of effecting his Designs ) laid down such Assurances upon Promises made in his Favour , that my Gentleman began to believe at such a Day he might enter into Pay or Sallery ; but before he parted , Harry had nicely examined , though at a distance , how his Stock was , either to Bribe or Purchase , and in a Day or Two was to give my Enquirer a positive Answer ; but I had almost forgot to tell you , that just at parting , Harry bore up to him , and told him , that though he would serve a Gentleman gratis with his Labour , yet there would be Expences ; to defray which , he expected he should bring him Ten Guineas the next Morning . My Enquirer , buoy'd up with hopes , came the next Morning with ready Rhino in his Pocket , had immediately Admittance into a Room spread with old Carpets , that the Man at the Three Roses had refus'd to Stitch Cards on . Presently honest Harry , who like the Hungry Iew , watch'd the falling Manna , came in , and accosted him with , Sir , I 've done your Business , for I was with my Lord last Night , and to serve you , spent my own Interest , so effectually , that I had his Promise on your Behalf : Upon these words the Manna dropt into his Hand , which Harry never kept till the following Day , for fear it should turn Sower : My Enquirer's moving Hand having reach'd Ten , at which number Harry's Allarm stood , it immediately rung a Peal in Division about Places , for half an Hour together , That he that wrote the present State of England in the Year , 1694 , was a Block-head compared to him ; for he has not mentioned a quarter of the Places and Imploys , that Harry nam'd to my Enquirer , and gave him the choice of any of them : He that put an Advertisement for the Sale of Horses , cann't in a Months time name so many Horses to be sold , as he pretended to know Imploys : My Enquirer , amongst the many Texts this Parson Quoted , pitch'd upon Two or Three which serv'd to his liking ; and when Mr. Harry had done talking , he told him , such or such would suit his Education , and agreed with his Humour . Oh , says Harry , those are not as yet Vacant , but they will be perhaps before the Parliament rises ; for they are resolved to suffer very few Members of the House to be in Imploys , wherein any Branch of the Revenue is to be managed ; and since 't is certain some will part with their Places rather than to be turn'd out of the House , your study must be , how to get into one of those they Abdicate ; to effect which , you must try to engrati●te your self with a S — of S — , with Three of the L — of the T — at least : And the thoughtful Gentleman , who , by much Labour of his Brain , hammers out things in a great Perfection , to be known and well recommended to the P — C — ; for some Imploys must be granted in C — : Now , the fittest Man upon Earth to be your Solicitor there , is W. E. who , though he is Foundered in his Feet , has a natural Assurance to tell a Story plausibly to any Nobleman , though 't is seldom mind●d ; he is Old-Dog with the Ladies and Boys , and their constant Solicitor : Besides , he may be , from his own Interest , very serviceable to you ; for I know , the other Day he help'd a Footman to a Place , and took but Half a Crown for his Labour . 'T will also be requisite for you to learn Decimals and Gaug●ng , and make Application to the C — of E — ; Or to the L — of the A — . Or to the C — of the C — But you must not neglect making Application to several particular Persons , who always seem in an hurry , as if they had the whole concerns of the Nation to manage : Amongst which , there is honest Tony , who seldom gives the C — of P — , and E — , much trouble to draw up a Report ; A. R. is not duely Elected . I must beg Pardon , when I say , 't is hard that so understanding a Gentleman ; one that knows how to take all Advantages , should not be in the House , no Man being sitter to caution against Deceits , than the — He has been serviceable to the Nation by the project of packing of Hay ; by the manage of which , Horses Eat less than usual , and their Beliies were taken up , without Belly-cloaths , the smell did their Business , yet Tony had but 3l . a Load , for what cost him 25s . His Principles may be guess'd by his Practice ; and he has declared his Sentiments , how People that would thrive , should manage themselves ; and designs ( if he may be believed ) to instill the same Principle● into his Children ; for he told an honest Gentleman , that if he had a Son , he would advise him to flatter and dissemble with all Mankind ; never to speak Truth but when it was for his Advantage : With this worthy Gent. 't will be necessary to be acquainted , if you have Money to purchase an Imploy under the M — of the H — ; for every one of them that were in his reach , he has either sold , or been a Broker in the matter : You need make no Interest to him by Intercession of Friends ; for he has no respect to Persons , Principles , or Qualities ; but like a late deceased Knight , whose Wit ( by mistake so called ) lay in bold Examinations of Scripture passages ; buffonly rediculing what was beyond his shallow Capacity to understand ) has regard only to the Money , let it come from Williamit● , Iacobite , or Devil : Besides him , there 's another you should be acquainted with , that is a blinking Fellow , a meer pretender to the Law , who could scarce Read ( allowing Breviations ) at the Exchequer Bar : He , by his Pretensions , one would think had the disposal of 40 considerable Places ; indeed he has most of the Gentry at his beck , though 't is a shame to see how poor spirited some of them are , to cringe and creep to him , whom most honest Men avoid ; though there 's a broad mixture in this Man of Knave and Fool , yet he so manages by Tricks and Lyes a certain Person in whose Power 't is to make you one extraordinary ; that a Trial ought to be made of his Interest : And sure , by some of these , with my Assistance , ( which you shall never want , a Man of your Birth , Education , and Ingenuity ) cann't miss of some Imploy or other . Now , Sir , I 've told you what 's to be done , use your endeavour ; and when you have fix'd upon your particular , come again to me , and I ( as Mr. Houghton says ) can help . My Enquirer , with his Head full of this Council , takes leave , resolving to meditate on it , and put it in Practice ; but going down Stairs , he saw a written Paper which Harry's Servant had drop'd ; and being curious , took it up and put it in his Pocket to Read at Leisure ; the first opportunity he had he opened the Paper , and found as follows : Answers , Excuses , and Observations , to be got by heart , and used , as occasion offers , by my Servant Robin . If a Man 〈◊〉 hard early in a Morning , with a Cane in his Hand , believe him a Creditor , and the first tim● answer him , that I am not well , and you dare not Disturb me ; to Countenance which , be sure two or three days in a Month , tye a Rag upon the Knocker of the Door . The Second time , I was sent for about earnest Business , to any busie Nobleman you first think of . Afterwards say for me , as you would have others say for you to whom you Owe Money ; but be sure you ●be not catch'd in a Lie , for People are too apt to believe that Courtiers Servants Lie ; tho' they speak Truth , if their Desi●es be'nt Comply'd with . If it be one that wears a Sword , 't is Ten to One but 't is either some body I am in Combination withall to Cheat another , or that he himself is to be Cheated , him presently admit , for from such , Corn comes to the Mill. If it be one whose Company I have shun'd , ●●nd him to some Tavern or Coffee-house out of the Verge of the Court , where to be sure I never go but on a Sunday . Some part of the Paper had been torn off , but one may be certain , he had learn'd the whole Lesson by the variety of Shams and Excuses he had constantly ready . Bless me , how was my Inquirer Surpriz'd at the Reading it ! and began to conceive that he was fallen into the Hands of a Tongue-Padding , Cheating Courtier ; but finding his Counsel in some measure ought to be followed , he was resolved to make Applications as he was directed . In a short time by Friends or Money , he was little or much Recommended to almost ●ll Fortune's Darlings , that had the Disposal of any Employs ; one or other of them he was almost continually waiting on with the Recommendation of my Lord such an one , Sir such an one ; or honest Mr. such an one ; and every one to whom he was Recommended , like true Courtiers , spoke him fair : One promised the next thing that fell ; another promised to take Care of him ; a Third , out of Kindness , would have him Qualify himself , that upon any Opportunity he might jump in : A Fourth took Money in part ; and a ●ifth invited him to Dinner , which Gentleman it must be said of him , did him more Kindness than all the rest ; for after he had waitt●d half a Year , he found their promises to be only Air ; for when the first had power by a Vacancy , to be sure he said , He was pre-ingaged . The Second's care was to avoid him . The Third Gentleman would not give him Opportunity to Jump , continually Selling Reversions . The Fourth did his Business but in part , for he could never get all his Money again . Thus Shuffled off from one to another , by fair Words and Promises , he spent a great deal of time , and all his Money to no purpose ; meeting with so many Disappointments , and really wanting Necessaries , and reflecting on the Usage he had met withal , and dreading the Poverty he saw approaching , he had fallen into Dispair , but that he had still the Happiness to carry in his Mind , the Thoughts of Futurity , from which he resolv'd as much as possible to be Content ; and to strengthen him in his Acquiessing , and Resignation to a Supreme Will , he often went to Church ; but one day going into St. Martin's , thô early , the Surly Clark refus'd him admittance into a Pew , which so mightily concern'd him , that he went to his Lodging , and whilst the Thought continued , he Wrote the following Verse ▪ To what Extremities am I dr●ven , When Parish-Clarks bar my Converse with Heav'n , As much as in the surly Rascals lye ; Who by the Face , the Pocket do des●ry , And Sine Pence , admittance they deny ! These under Graduate Peters of the Church , Would S●ll to Simon the Heavenly G●● , If to their A●arice and Humour lest ; Perhap ▪ the M●r did my Misfortunes know ; Affraid to Trust me , who●●●●uch did One. Deny'd adm●ttance , ●●st 〈◊〉 , that I s●●●ld pray Blessings , f●r w●●●h they th●●g●t P●n●ver P●y ▪ Having long Rack'd his Brain● , and Spent his Money and Time in Vain , his peery Landlord by a Writ , secur'd him a safe place in the Marshalsea durante Vita , unless a Compassionate Parliament release him by an Act of Grace . Fed up with Hope by such , his Money 's spent , But has no greater Prospect , than is L●nt To needy N●blemen , 〈◊〉 it's return , Who seldom Pay a Debt , but to the Vrn. Place-Brokers to Enquirers still speak Fa● , Blow up a Bubble Globe , which 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 Like Lottery Proj●ctors ●raw a Scheme , H●w Thousands may be got , If , if they Draw the Lot , But Hit , or Miss , there●s P●ofi● s●●ll to them ▪ FINIS . 
A67511	----	The metamorphos'd beau, or, The intrigues of Ludgate Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1700 Approx. 60 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2004-03 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67511 Wing W745 ESTC R8237 12326183 ocm 12326183 59565 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67511) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 59565) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 929:4) The metamorphos'd beau, or, The intrigues of Ludgate Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 16 p. Printed by J. Hew ..., London : 1700. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Attributed to Edward Ward. cf. NUC pre-1956. Advertisement: p. [2] Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-05 Emma (Leeson) Huber Sampled and proofread 2003-07 Aptara Rekeyed and resubmitted 2003-10 Emma (Leeson) Huber Sampled and proofread 2003-10 Emma (Leeson) Huber Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-12 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE Metamorphos'd Beau : OR , THE INTRIGUES OF LUDGATE . LONDON , Printed by I. How , in the Ram-Head-Inn-Yard in Fanchurch-street , 1700. Books Sold by J. How , in the Ram-Head-Inn-Yard in Fanchurch-Street ; J. Weld , at the Crown between the Temple-Gates in Fleet-street ; and Mrs. Fabian , at Mercers-Chappel in Cheapside . 1. SOt's Paradise : Or the Humours of a Derby-Ale-House : With a Satyr upon the Ale. Price Six Pence . 2. A Trip to Iamaica : With a True Character of the People and Island . Price Six Pence . 3. Eclesia & Factio . A Dialogue between Bow-Steeple-Dragon , and the Exchange-Grashopper . Price Six Pence . 4. The Poet 's Ramble after Riches . With Reflections upon a Country Corporation . Also the Author's Lamentation in the time of Adversity . Price Six Pence . 5. A Trip to New-England . With a Character of the Country and People , both English and Indians . Price Six Pence . 6. Modern Religion and Ancient Loyalty : A Dialogue . Price Six Pence . 7. The World Bewitch'd . A Dialogue between Two Astrologers and the Author . With Infallible Predictions of what will happen from the Vices and Villanies Practis'd in Court , City and Country . Price Six Pence . 8. A Walk to Islington : With a Description of New Tunbridge-VVells , and Sadler's Musick-House . Price Six Pence . 9. The Humours of a Coffee-House : A Comedy . Price Six Pence . 10 ▪ A Frolick to Horn-Fair . With a Walk from Cuckold's-Point thro' Deptford and Greenwich . Price Six-Pence , 11. The Dancing-School . With the Adventures of the Easter-Holy-Days . Price Six Pence . 12. The First Volume of the LONDON-SPY : In Twelve Parts . 13. The First , Second , Third , Fourth , and Fifth Parts of the Second Volume of the London-Spy . Price Six Pence Each . All Written by the same Author . THE Metamorphos'd Beau , &c. THE Royal Britannia , who after many brave and glorious Exploits , perform'd in Service of its Country , at length came to an Anchor in Fleet-street , a Harbour both Safe and Secure , notwithstanding those dangerous Rocks and quick Sands , that border about it , Threatning Ruine and Destruction to any bold Adventurer that should dare to Attempt , or Expect Shelter in its Liberty , which several by fatal Experience can Testifie ; but now , thanks to our Senate , is made Navigable . Upon the Arrival of which , I went Aboard , in pursuit of a Friend , who had the Honour of a considerable Post of Command , and according to my Desires I found him ; but so Transmogrify'd , that , I protest , I could hardly give Credit to my own Eyes ; Ye Gods ! Cry'd I , What do I behold ? Or are my Opticks deceiv'd ? This is certainly some Illusion , and not my Friend ; who when he first Imbark'd , made such a Noble Figure , That the Men o'er whom he was to Command , were fill'd with Admiration ; the Fair Sex , in Murmuring Sighs , Condol'd his Loss ; and by their Repeated Orisons , invok'd Mars , Bellona , Neptune , and the Boistrous Aeolus , to protect him from all danger , and waft him safe ashore again . The Gods were all Propitious to their last request ; and return'd their mighty Charge back again with Life ; but , alas , had Expos'd his Person to all the Casualties that attend such Desperate Performances ; Mars and Bollona , notwithstanding they Honour'd him with Victory , and guarded his Life , gave him to understand , by those several Marks of Honour , which they so liberally bestow'd on him , that he was not Invulnerable ; Phebus , that Bright God , and Watry Neptune , with his briny Surface , by their Multiplicity of Embraces , so Tann'd his Hide , that he seems to be the Off-spring of an Ethiopian : Nay , surly Boreas , that was the chiefest Instrument in his return , by his Rough Usage , had Exercis'd the part of a profest Enemy , on his Attire ; for , Oh ye Powers ! What a strange Metamorphose have ye Created , not to be parallell'd ! those Locks , those Sacred Locks , that us'd to Adorn his Shoulders , and Modestly Harbour'd as much Powder as would stock a Suburbian Tonsor , are now become as Lank , as the Mane of an old Hackney . Thy Phiz , that Charming Phiz , so admir'd by the Ladies , and was impossible to behold without becoming its Captive , hath now lost its Charms , though beset with Rubies , and most fearful Scars , instead of Tempting Patches . Thy Eyes , those fatal Luminaries , that have darted so many Killing Glances , and learing Ogles , and prov'd as dangerous as Basilisks to the Female Sex , are now dull , and heavy . Thy Tongue , thy fluid Tongue , thy bewitching Tongue , that was Tipt with Eloquence , and attended with such an Acute Wit , by which thou Conquer'd'st more Hearts than Alexander ; and deliverd'st Love-Sentences as profound as an Oracle , is now Seal'd with Silence . Thy Garb , that us'd to be so very Nice , and hang with such a dexterous Air , is now as shatter'd as the Rigging of thy Ship ; and looks as if it had hung 18 Months at a Stall in Long-Lane ; Nay , thy Fragrant Perfumes , and Odoriferous Scents of Essence Bottles , hath lost their Odour , and is Usurpt by the more powerful , Pitch , Tarr , and Okum . Prithee , my Friend , answer'd he , why do'st thou Cautarize me thus ? I Bless my Stars , my Corpus hath receiv'd no dammage ; but am return'd sound Wind and Limb , Boy ; full fraught with Vigour , and dare attack a whole Fleet of Female Frigates . Come , no more of this ; do'st not remember the Old Phrase in the Almanack ? Omnia rerum Vicissitudo . Therefore , upon the Receipt of my Golden hopes , for this Summers Expedition , I 'll new Rigg , assume my former Station , disannul the Tar , and appear all Beau ; give my self Airs , renew my former Acquaintance with the Ladies ; and for the future , fight under Venus Banners only . Yes , Faith , cry'd I , thou hast been a Champion , for the Ladies cause ; and hast play'd the part of a Heroe ; Witness thy damn'd Snuffling , and drawing of thy Legs ; and hast had more Pills , Bolusses , and Ingredients of Compounds and Simples in thy Guts , than would furnish an Apothecaries-Shop ; and can'st thou be so void of Reason , as to flatter thy self with hopes to think the Ladies will dispence with that Weather-beaten Phiz , those frightful Scars , and halting Legs of thine , when every day presents new Objects to their Eyes ? Why , in the Park , thou wou'd'st be taken for the Relick of some Hospital ; in the Play-house , for some Old Cock-Baw'd , or a Bully of Alsatia . Nay , the very Mob , will congratulate you with Your humble Servant Colonel Hacker . No , Prithee harbour no such thought ; but think rather of being the Subject of their Derision . Therefore take my Advice , Let the Bottle be thy Mistress for the Future : And since 't is thy Fate , to be thus Metamorphos'd , by which thou art discarded of the Ladies Favours ; yet notwithstanding , it may prove very Beneficial , and useful to you , on the contrary Party . In the first place , thy Soars will be discanted on , as so many Badges of Honour , attain'd in the Service of your Countrey , ( and Venus together ) Likewise be a means to conceal you from the Knowledge of old Duns , cast-off Mistresses , Bilk'd Coachmen and Link Boys . In a word , thou would'st puzzle an Athenian to make an Inspection into the Tar , and from thence to decipher a Compleat Beau. Come , no more hesitating , on my Misfortune , I beseeeh you , answer'd he , or ridiculing my Person ; but go down with me , and I will give you such a Bowl , that shall convince you , if thou art not an Infidel , that our Living , and present Appearance , may Compensate with a Gaudy Suit and an abandon'd Pocket . Upon which he carry'd me to his Cabbin , which we found bedeck'd with a Jovial Crew , surrounding an Inundation of Celestial Liquor ; where without Ceremoney we took our Seats ; and were Conformable to our Company : and straight a Health was propos'd to the Royal Britannia , and prosperity , to fair Albion ; and no sooner was it mentioned , but Orders were given to Furle her Sails , let fly her proud Streamers , Sound her Instruments of War , and discharge ; her thundering Gods bidding defiance to the insulting Billows ; and Quaft our jolly Cups to the immortal Bacchus . But as ill Luck would have it , in the midst of our Carrousing , my Friend was taken with a sudden Qualm ; but whether the Fatigue of his Wooden Castle , or the Noble Spirit of our Liquor , occasion'd this Disaster , I know not ; but calling me aside , desir'd me to withdraw with him ; and take a Walk to St. Paul's . For , said he , I believe the Walk and Diversion we shall find there , will Divert my Indisposition . Bless me ! Cry'd I , I am afraid your are worse than you think for ; and that your Malady has seiz'd on your Brain ; for certainly , none but a Madman would offer to leave such good Company , where nothing but Friendship flows , and Bumpers Crown our Joys , for an Ogle of some Damn'd Amorous Jilt , offering up her Orisons , for good success to her Letcherous Tail ; or some old Insatiate Whore , whose desires are no more to be Quench'd then the Sulphurous Flames of Aetna . No , no , my Friend ; Sit down , keep your Temper , be Easie , and Injoy your Friends ; and I do not question but in a short time you 'll see your Errour . But alas , all the Rhetorick I was Master of , could not perswade him ; for the Flesh and St. Paul's were predominant . You see , my Friend , cry'd he , we have had hot Service already , and 't is like to continue , which at this time , I would willingly avoid , by reason I can impute my present Indisposition to nothing but the Fumes of the Bowl ; and a Natural Inclination of seeing some of my Old Acquaintance , which my long Absence hath almost blotted from my Memory ; and likewise an Itch of Curiosity , to see that noble Fabrick , of whom Fame speaks so Loud . Then Embracing me , with a damn'd insinuating Hugg , let 's haste to our Mother Church , and see what Female Saints adores her Shrine . Yes , Faith , cry'd I , the Petty-coat , I find Comprehends your chiefest Devotion , and is the only Saint you want to Adore ; and since that neither your Absence , or Foreign Climates , have had any Operation on your Fleshly Constitution , which in part to gratifie , and also to satisfie your Curiosity , since thou art so Obstinately bent , I will comply with your Request , tho' I must Confess , 't is with no small Reluctancy , to leave these brave Bacchanalians , Enlivening their Noble Souls , to Board , perhaps , a Fireship . No sooner resolv'd on , but perform'd ; we took Leave of our Company , ( but on my part with much regret , ) so Strowl'd down Fleet-street , and up Ludgate-hill ; but as soon as we approach'd the Gate , my Friend made a Stop ; Bless me ! ye Powers , cry'd he , What Venerable old Antiquary hath new Rigg'd Queen Bess ? By my Soul she looks as Amorous , as if she was Seated on her Throne , with her Unhappy Favorite by her side . Sir , answer'd a Fellow that over heard him , the same Bountiful Hand hath done no less for Old king Ludd , and his two Sons ; and notwithstanding our wise Ancestors Converted his Palace to a Prison , it now makes as great a Figure as any of our Inns of Court ; and I verily believe , its Students are as great Proficients in the Law. Upon which , I told him , by his Nice Description , and impartial Account of it , he must 〈◊〉 have the Practical part . Yes , Sir , that I have , said he , I have been a Student no less then five Years in Lud's Colledge ; and have Commenc'd all the D●grees in it : My Name is B — but the Vulgar term me a Bull-dog ; by reason I have my Liberty , and my Dependance on the Students , by guarding their Persons when they are dispos'd to go abroad . Will you be pleas'd to see it , Gentlemen ? If you please I 'll wait on you ; and show you the whole House , which is Allow'd to be the best of Prisons . The best it self , is bad enough , answer'd my Friend , by reason of Confinement . For he , whose Fortune 't is to be Confin'd , Doth always bear his Liberty in Mind . Well then , said I , let 's see this Cave of Captivitie ; and who knows but we may light on some old Rakish Acquaintance there , bury'd in oblivion ? With all my Heart , said he , and let 's refer our Intrigues at St. Pauls , to some other opportunity . I am certain , cry'd I , 't will be more acceptable to Visit poor Prisoners , and bestow some Charity on them , than to fall on our knees at St. Pauls , with a seeming Devotion , and our Lew'd Thoughts roving after vain Chimera's . Come then , since thou art resolv'd , we 'll see this famous Seminary , whose lofty Structure derives it Original from the Ruies of Heroick Ludd . Upon which the Fellow was mighty officious , and presently had us to the Porch , which was throng'd with several of his Function , as we understood , waiting ( like so many Porters at a Bench ) for Employment ; and no sooner were we up the Steps , but our Guide with an Audible Voice , cry'd Doctor , Doctor ; upon which , the Doctor quitted his Kennel , muttering at the Fellow for making such a hideous Noise , telling him he believ'd by his Yelping he thought he was at his old Rendezvouze , the Bear-Garden . No , Old Swag-belly , Answered Touzer , the Bear-Garden , is of more repute than a Prison ; Therefore no Comparisons , I beseech you ; for there is Liberty ; and Confinement is the Devil . Besides , what 's more Scandalous than a Jayl ? With that replyed the Turn-key , thou little sorry Fellow , to complain of the Scandal of a Goal , when Thou thy self art the chiefest ingredient that Scandal is compounded of ; which by tracing thy Pedigree but three degrees backwards , will be evident proof ; as first , a Devil to a Printing-house ; from thence advanced to a Butcher ; and now art arriv'd to a degree worse than both , a Bull-Dog ; the three only Qualifications , I know of , that Center in that word Scandal ; and well may our Studients Condition be desperate , who are continually plagu'd with such a Number of Spunging , Sharping , Scandalous Whelps , as you and your Brethren . Our Guide finding his Antagonist too hard for him , slunk in his Ears ; which if he had had but his desert , would have been separated from his Calves-head some years ago ; and return'd him no Answer , but desir'd him to open the Hatch , which accordingly he did , and in we went. And our Conductor bid us to follow him , which very cautiously we did ; and turn'd into a Room on our Left hand , which my thoughts was very absurd , seeing that on the Right was a more Spacious Place , for the first reception of Strangers ; and I told our Guide my Sentiments of his Conduct : Sir , answer'd a Fellow that over-heard me , We who have the Misfortune to be confin'd here , have all been guilty of the like Enormity ; for had we but kept the right Road , 't is possible we had not now been in 〈…〉 Box. Having made this Repartee , he mov'd to a Table by the Fire-side , which was begirt with Students , Contemplating on the History of the four Kings ; some Swearing that he that should offer to Beg with two Trumps in his Hand , understood the right of the Game no more than he did the Turkish Alcoran . In denyal of which , and to Convince those bold Assertors of their Error , up starts a Smoke-dry'd Fellow out of the Chimney-Corner , and gives a Challenge to take a Game for a Pot of Sir Iohn Parsons , and was presently receiv'd ; but how it should be paid for ▪ was a Nice Point ; for cry'd Scowerian the Taplash , There must be the Ready Rino for Sir Iohn . But however , tho' there was no Faith in the Bar , yet for their Honours sake , the Cause should not be dropt , as long as there was Moveables to be engag'd . Well , silence was proclaimed , and to it they went , to decide this mighty Argument , which a long time was very dubious ▪ nay so partial was Fortune , That the Plantiff's whole dependance was on the turning up of a Lucky Knave ; and as chance would have it , accordingly he did , which occasion'd repeated Vollies of Huzza's , and was very much applauded by his own Party , for the Managing of his Cards for so Nice a Cut , and his profound Judgment in that Noble Science . But alas , how fickle is Fortune ? And just reason have the Artists to decipher her on a Wheel , to shew the Unstableness of her Favours ; by which they give us to Understand , that we ought not to put too much Confidence in the uppermost Spoke ; for notwithstanding she Favour'd him in the Game , yet she Bilk'd him of the Prize ; for the Fellow making more than ordinary haste , hearing of the Huzza , makes a Trip upon the Stairs , and down falls Sir Iohn . Ill News hath swift Wings , and this Disaster occasion'd a Quarrel between the Gamesters and Taplash : Nay some declared , they had rather have heard of the downfall of London-Bridge ; and fell a Railing at the Fellow , and Cursing of Fortune , calling her all the Names that Malice could invent , as Whore , Bawd , and Bilking Strumpet ; whereon a Stander-by , being something more sedate than the rest , made this reply : Fortune ye term a Strumpet , Bawd , and Whore , Yet still the Sons of Fortune we adore . But rather than be thus Baffled , and their hopes prove Abortive , they agreed to take the other Game ; but withal , gave the Fellow a strict Charge to take more Care for the future , or else his Ears , if his Purse could not , should pay for it . In which Engagement we left them , and ask'd our Guide the Name of that Room . Gentlemen , say'd he , T is call'd the Rules , and is more Commodious to Accommodate Strangers than the Cellar , by reason they can be more Private with a Friend , and not Expos'd to the View of all the Prisoners . However , said my Friend , you who when you were at Liberty , could not Live within Compass , must now be Content to be Confin'd to the Rules of a Prison . In answer to which he shook his Head , and led us into the aforemention'd Room . This Place Gentlemen , said he , is called the Lumbree ; but from whence it derives its Name , I know not ; at this Table the Steward , and the Constable of the Day , takes an Account of the Charity-Money Collected at the two Grates , where you hear , with doleful Cry , how they Implore the Benevolence of Passengers : With , Pray remember the poor Prisoners . The Lord in Heaven Bless you , Remember the Poor Prisoners . A great Number of poor Trades●●● 〈◊〉 Women , Confin'd for Debt : Good Christian People , bestow 〈…〉 on the Poor Prisoners . And upon the Receipt of any Charity , Changing their Notes , in a different Tone-return Thanks ▪ The Lord in Heaven Bless you , Sir. The Lord Jesus Christ reward you , Sir. Christ Bless you , Sweet Lady . The Lord in Heaven Bless you , good Madam . Thank-ye , Mistress , Thank-ye . The Lord in Heaven Bless you both . Thus according to their Person , and their Gifts , they have a suitable return of Thanks ; and if it answers not their Expectations , they 'll very Cordially wrap out , G — d D — n 'em , it was but a half-penny . I shall have but a Sorry Box ; this will be a Pick-Pocket Box , by G — d. I have had but three Pots this two Hours ; and I sha'nt have enough to my Share , for to pay for them , and the B — h , will not Score me a Penny more , D — n her . No sooner had the Fellow done speaking , but all of a sudden descends the Stairs a Torrent of Mob , hauling of two Criminals , crying , Open the Nut-crackers , open the Stocks , who were presently obey'd , and the Criminals boored with abundance of Expedition ; who sat in greater State , and Pomp , and attended by a larger Retinue , than old King Lud in all his Grandure . But making an inquiry into their Misdemeanour , I understood it was partly a Contriv'd Business , and a design'd thing on one of the Offenders , tho' they could not manage it , without bringing the other Party in , lest they should give a distaste to the whole House , for Prisons have their Picque's and Parties , as well as States ; but most seem'd to rejoyce at one of the Sufferers Calamity , whose Obstinacy confin'd his Heels some hours longer than his Fellow Sufferers . But a Friend , by Accident , happening to come to Visit the Old Duke , at last perswaded him to sign his Submission , which is Recorded as an Example for others to take Warning by . But as soon as he found his Heels at Liberty , up Stars he scowr'd , threatning what he would do , when time should serve . And straight the Clock struck five , upon which , up comes a Fellow from the Cellar , making a most hideous Noise , and runs up stairs Yelping Five a Clock , Mr. Steward , Five a Clock , Mr. Steward . Who presently made his Personal Appearance , at this dreadful Summons , jangling his Keys , like a Sexton of a Parish ; and seats himself at the upper-end of the Table , with the Constable of the Day at his right Hand , and several other inferiour Officers gave their Attendance , to assist at the casting up the Total of the Boxes . The Mob likewise crowding to see how they rise , and several others to Dun. The Boxes being brought , our they lug Pen , Ink , and Paper ; and after some three or four times Telling , and as many times casting up , least Mistakes should happen , they set down the Sum , and pay off the Distributions , and adjust Accompts ; a very hard Task , I assure you ; and dare affirm , are as much puzled , as if the State of the Nation lay before them . In the performing of which , there arose a hot Debate about the Allowance of some Pensioner , in which dispute we left them , and went up Stairs into a large Room on the Right Hand , Which Towzer told us was called the White Room . In this Room said he , we make our Election ; and if any Difference happen to arise that cannot be decided among our selves , we send for the Right Honourable the Lord Mayor , or Sheriffs , and entertain them in this Room , and are Oblig'd , to leave it to their Descision ; after which , there is to be no dispute . Likewise at this Table assembles our Senate , in a full Body , upon any of the House Concerns , the Door being kept by the Gentleman Vsher of the Nut-crackers , who sometimes hath the Honour to have some of our Reverend Divan in his Custody ; for if they Commit any Misdemeanours , they ought no more by 〈…〉 of the House , to be Exempted , than any Inferiour Prisoner . But what said Simon ? Kissing goes by Favour . In this Window hangs our Orders , and also lyes the Gazette and Votes for the Vse of the Publick . In this Room is also a Fire kept , for the Vse of Charity-men , by reason they have no Chimney in their Ward , where a Sundays they boyl their Kettle-Pot of Chumps , a certain Allowance they have on Sabbath days , to the great Destruction of Neck-Beef , of which they make Broth in abundance , and deliver it gratis at the Door , which is commonly beset like a Noble-mans Gate ; and if I might speak my Sentiments ; I think they Verify the old Proverb , God sends Meat , but the Devil Cooks ; And Faith 't is well they have no Sir Courtly-Nice , to Diet. This place is also commonly chosen for to decide any Quarrels , in trying who is the best at handy Cuffs , but very seldom made use of ; for the best of them had rather Eat than Fight : In a Word , 't is the most necessary Room in the whole House . At this Table we make a Dividend of my Lords Baskets , and other Gifts of that Nature , acccording to Art. But being tyr'd with this long Harangue , on this spacious Room , we desir'd him to with-draw into some other Apartment : O Gentlemen , says he , I must beg your Patience a little longer , for I had like to have Omitted one of the greatest Concerns that is manag'd in this Room ; for the Night before our Choice Day , here is a General Assembly of the whole Conclave , in the Nature of a Club , in order to the Election the succeeding Morning , by which 't is guess'd which of the Candidates will bear the Bell ; who carry it by the Majority of Votes ▪ Nor was there ever greater heats and animosities , at Guild-Hall , in making of Parties for the Election of a Lord Mayor , than there is in this Puny-Colledge , in the choice of a Box-man ; at which time , if the Devil were to cast a Net , he would have a hopeful Fry , for I dare avouch without any Ostentation , that in an Assembly of any Twenty of them , you shall find a Score of Knaves : Now , Gentlemen , I have done here , and will shew you the the next Apartment ; Withall begging your Pardons for being so tedious ; and Promise you , in shewing you the remainder , to Vse all the proxility I can . This , Gentlemen , is called the Lower-Ward , and is kept the most decent of all the Wards in the House ; you see 't is very sweet and Clean , and their Beds are in very good Order , likewise a good Convenience for dressing of their Diet ; and have a more regular Order , than the rest of the Wards : But seeing of a poor Ignorant Fellow in a black Cap walking about , I ask'd what he was ? Upon which , answer was made me , That he had been a Wholesale Patten-Maker . Methinks , said my Friend , he resembles an old heathen Philosopher , for I can see his Arse thro' his Pocket-holes . Misfortunes , Sir , said one that stood by , will dismantle a Christian Stoick , and were you but to hear how he has been dealt by in his Dealings , you would Commiserate his Condition : For his Shop-Books will make it appear , that he never gave Credit above Six-pence , or was Debtor 50 Shillings . 'T is discours'd his Creditors are a going to take out a Statute of Bankrupt against him , which will be very hard , considering his Circumstances ; but rather than deliver up his Accompts , we advise him to turn himself over to the Fleet , that he may gain his Liberty , and Travel with his Effects , before 't is too late ; and not to spend the Residue of his Stock in a Prison : But we find he is rather inclin'd to continue here , and in short Time expects to be chose Steward ; he was put up for Church-Warden last Election , and is in a fair way for Preferment ; he is very Critical in his Discourse , has an Excellent Voice , and good Iudgment , but we could not prevail with him to oblige us with a Song , but left us upon our request of it What our Guide told us concern●●● this Ward , was very Evident , and I was inform'd , had the be 〈…〉 of all the Wards in the Prison ; by a very Worthy Gentleman , who lately has been a great Benefactor to the House , to his Honour be it spoke . Our Guide taking us up another Pair of Stairs , in the Ascending of which , I perceiv'd a dark Entry , and a lesser Stair-Case , which occasion'd me to ask where that went ? For you must know , I was very inquisitive , as you will find by the sequel ; he told us , It led to the Masters-side , and that he wou'd bring us down that way , when he had show'd us all the Common : In order to which , he proceeded . And had us into another Room , telling us , it was call'd the Chappel-Ward , which made my Friend Laugh , asking him if they Exercis'd any Religious Worship there , or were of the Tribe of Levi , for I have heard Ministers and their Widows have the Priviledge of this Colledge . That is true , Sir , said one of them ; But I assure you , we are none of that Function as you suspect , nor does our Ward derive its Name from any Devotion that 's used here ; and to be plain with you , we rather make good the Old Proverb ; The nearer the Church , the further from God ; and am certain , here is some that lye within four Yards of the Pulpit , have not seen the inside of the Chappel this five Months . No , Sir , 't is call'd the Chappel-Ward , by reason the Chappel is on the same Floor ; will you please to see it Gentlemen ? No , said we , 't is Needless ; but the Church-Warden being by , open'd the Door , so we could do no less than go in ; and found it very Decent and Handsome beyond our Expectation , so 〈…〉 . Church-Warden , a piece of Money , the hopes of which , I suppose 〈◊〉 the only occasion of his Invitation ; out we came , and Ascended another Floor , and went into a Room , which our Conductor told us , was call'd the Charity-Ward , belonging to the Men that begg'd at the Grates ; and Faith said I , 't is fit for none but Beggars ; methoughts the last smelt strong , but this is worse . Sir , said our Guide , The higher you go , the more you will Complain , I am afraid : Well , said my Friend , to satisfie our Curiosity , we must dispence with the Hogo : This Ward is very much Discours'd of , on the Account of Monsieur Shawny , who is fixt against the Wall , of whom they tell you very Strange Stories ; as that he derives his Pedigree from the Antipodes , and is of an invisible Substance , can pass or repass through the Key-hole of a Door , or any small Crevice , and convey what ever is requir'd of him , upon Non-Payment of Flooridge , which is eighteen-pence , a due Debt , contracted by Custom , to be spent among them that lye on the same Floor ; and notwithstanding he is but little in Stature , he is of great Strength of Body , can carry Coats , Waste-coats , Hats , Shooes , or Stockings , which I am afraid you will hardly Credit , much more if you was to hear them affirm , that not long since , he carry'd off a Night Gown and Waste-coat , and had got off clear , had he not had a Fool to his Clerk ; for the Miscarriage of which , he was Cashier'd from his Office , ridicul'd by the whole House , and very narrowly escap'd the Stocks . This being all that was worth our Notice there , our Guide told us , We were now going to the Lofty-Ward , so call'd , by reason 't is the highest in the House , and even with the Seraglio . Well , in we went to the Lofty-Ward , and though it savour'd much of the two aforesaid Wards , it was more Lightsome , and had a good Prospect from the Window over St. Georges-Fields , and very convenient , being nigh the Leads ; here was several handy-Crafts Exercising their ordinary Vocations , there was Ioseph the Carpenter , and Stic● the Taylor , at work like so many Faries , and Crispin a ratling St. Hughs Bones , with a Countenance as Austere as a Countrey Justice : In the Window by him , lay the Implements of 〈…〉 , who as I was inform'd , was performing very hot Service in the 〈…〉 which pleas'd us best , was an old Fellow a going to encounter 〈…〉 Eleemosinary Goose ; but before the Epicure began to exercise his Grinders , very formally repeats Old Appamantus's Grace in Timon of Athens : Immortal Gods , I crave no Pelf , I Pray for no Man but my self . Grant I may never be so Fond , To Credit Man , on 's Oath or Bond , Or a Dog that seems a Sleeping ; Or a Harlot for her Weeping ; Or a Goaler with my Freedom ; Or my Friends , if I should Need ' em . And it seems it is his usual Custom ; so Wishing him a good Stomach , we quitted the Lofty-Ward , and Enter'd the Seraglio ; which Resembl'd an Hospital , more than a Prison ; and here I must Confess , our Essence Bottles , did us a great piece of Service , for there was such a Hogo , that I could not forbear taking Notice of it ; for which they wanted not an Excuse , but readily reply'd , That it 't was only for want of Water , and to be imputed to nothing else : But a Waggish Jade , answer'd , No , no , Sir , 'T is only the Grain of our Skins ; then certainly , Madam , cry'd I , You must needs have very rank Hides : That 's only for went of Vse , Sir , said ; she then turn'd up her Lipp , and went into an Inner Appartment : But by her Discourse , I Judg'd there was some Ammoretta's , though for the Major part full Ag'd , and one would have thought by their Looks , had shed their Colts Tooth ; but to convince me of my Error , they had me into the Inner Room , where I found a Venerable Old Matron , Chain'd by the Leg , and Hand-Cufft ; upon which , asking the reason ; The Reason ! said they , Why there is no Reason in the Case , but meer Fiction ; she is possest with strange Notions , and pretends she hears strange Voices , and in the height of her Passion Exclaimes at Fate , talks mightily of Love , and threatens Destruction to her self and others ; at other times will fall on her Knees , and Idolize the Cistern , and continue for some Hours without Speech , or motion : As for her being speechless , cry'd a Fellow that stood by , We can Dispence with that well enough , and could Wish they were all so . Methinks , said my Friend , You are very ridged in your Discourse : Not at all , Sir , said he , For if any Difference happens between them , we have such a Clamorous Noise , that I am Confident it would drown St. Sepulchers Bells ; say you so , reply'd one of them , Mr. Lick and Smell ? I assure you , if you cannot Dispence with our Tongues , you shall have nothing to do with our Tails . But this being nothing to the Purpose , I desir'd them very seriously to tell me the Truth , for I took that only for Banter . No , cry'd the whole Seraglio , She is in Love , and Dotes even to Distraction : Dotage indeed , says I ; for it cannot be call'd Love at these Years . No , answer'd she , I Love and burn with as pure a Flame , as e'er was Sacrific'd at Love 's Altar : Then fell on her Knees at the Bed-side , & turn'd her Face from us . Upon which , I ask'd who it was that she was in Love with ? Divinity , answer'd they , in Masquerade , and a Fellow-Prisoner with us , but he shuns her Company , and is deaf to her Courtship , which is the occasion of her Frenzie . Oh Love , cry'd I , how Immense is thy Power , and Uncontroulable thy Will ! thou that could'st in the height of Rage , and Passion , melt the Fierce Atticus into humble Love , and pierce his Obdurate Heart with the Fair Nymphs all-Conquering Eyes : Nay , was it not Love , that Transform'd Daphne to a Tree , and Iove himself into a Town-Bull ? Oh why do'st thou Tyrannize o'er Age ; whose Strength 's decay'd , and Vigour's spent ? Is there not Youth , Vigorous Youth , to Exercise thy Power on , and dart thy Flames at ? Oh , Commiserate her Condition , Quench her Desires , or put a Period to her Days . Faith Master , said a Fellow that stood by , as a Guardian to her , That 's a good Prayer , and may it find success ; for we can very well spare her , for we have such a parcel of Hypocritical Animals , both Old and Young , Male and Female , that occasions a great deal of Trouble in our Civil Government . But to be as brief as possible , I will relate but a few of their Qualifications : We have some as Rank as Goates , as Prime as Wolfes , as Salt as Bitches , and as Lustful as Satyrs , as Apish as Monkeys , and as full of Play as my Ladys Lap-dog : Nay , as serious as a Whore at a Christening , and will seem as Chaste as Nuns , as Precise as Puritians , as Innocent as Lambs , as Sober as Citts ▪ 〈◊〉 will be as Drunk as Dutch-men ; others that will Exclaim against Profuseness , Whoring , and the like , and yet at the same time , be guilty of them all : Nay , some as insatiate as Massilina , yet Preach up Continence for one of the Cardinal Virtues . No sooner had the Fellow done speaking , but up Starts an Old Woman , Saying , I hope Sir , you will not Credit what this Sorry Rascal says . Why , said he , You old Morter-piece , I say nothing but the Truth , and can prove it , if occasion require . Sir , cry'd he , This Old Fornicatress , this Old Harridan , this Old piece of Mortality , who hath never a Tooth in her Head , will hold a Discourse for five Hours by the Clock , on Concupisence , and Swear she 'll not trust to her Age : At which the Old Countess began to Exercise her Tongue , and likewise her Hands , letting fly a Chamber-Pot at his Head , Muttering , Why so Old , why so Old , you beggarly Bastard ? In which Ingagement we left them . And turning about , I Spy'd a Fellow , reading some Lines , that was Writ on the Wall , with Small-Cole , Swearing he was of the same Opinion ; the Words , as near as I can Remember , was to this Effect . This is a Place of no Disgrace , Tho' Fools do Censure so ; But I do you tell , and mark it well , You must Pay before you go . And yet by G — d , t is very Odd , To be Confined here ; And were it not for Pipe and Pot , Z — ds , 't would be too severe . I thereupon ask'd my Guide what he was , that seem'd to be so contented with his Confinement , but the Fellow over-hearing me , made answer , That he was a Man of Carriage . And Confin'd here for the Vprightness of it , I suppose , said my Friend . That you may Censure as you please , Sir , said he , but I am Contented with my Condition : Why Faith , said I , Patience per-force , is a Medicine for a Mad-dog ; but down he went , singing Providence provides for me , and I am well Content . And we ascended the Leads ; where we found several jolly Lads , some diverting themselves at Nine-pins , others Viewing the Adjacent Villages , and walking in immagination to Highgate , Swearing tho' the Body was confin'd , thoughts were free ; But at the further-end next the Thames , was on Old Vertuoso with two or three more of the same Kidney , puzzling his Numb-Skull ( for Brains , he had none ) on the Ebbing of the Tide , telling them divers Opinions , but could give no Substantial Reason for what he alledg'd , but concluded that without doubt the Moon had an influence over it ; with that replied a Spark that had heard him with great deal of Patience , Prethee old Duke , follow Aristotle's Example : What 's that , said he ? If you will promise to imitate his Example , I 'll tell you : That 's at my own Choice , cry'd he , for I suppose Aristotle's was a Voluntary Act , and not by Compulsion : Yes Faith was it , said he , and thine would be a very Obliging one , and so great Vse to the Publick ; and to hold you no longer in suspence , I 'll tell you how it was : Aristotle , by reason he could not comprehend , the Mystery of the Flux , and Reflux of the Tide ; said , that should Comprehend him , so plung'd himself into the Ocean , and ended his Days . The President is very Authentick , and my Advice Cordial , by which means your Family will be rid of a constant Charge , and this House of a troublesome Fool. O thank-ye , Sir , thank-ye , said he , putting his hand in his Pocket , and if you please to accept of it , I 'll give you a retaining Fee , for your Advice , : O Sir , I beg your Pardon , answer'd the Spark , I am no Counsellour , but give my advice , Free and Candid , as a Friend ; but withall , give me leave to assure you , 't is in respect to your Family , the performance of which I am certain , would Conduce much for their Interest . For my Daughters , at least , I presume , Sir cry'd he , for whose sake , I suppose , you give me this Advice ; thinking if I had but once made my Exit , ( which I find is very indifferent to you in what manner ) and you at Liberty , you would have but little difficulty to board her . No , No , Sir said he , I would have you , look back , and reflect on your past Transactions , and consider what brought you hither : Take an Old Mans Counsel , Lust not after the Flesh-Pots of Egypt , nor harbour any more thoughts of a Petticoat : Why so Old a Sinner ? reply'd he : My Ardencies I 'd lib'rally beslow , Like Fruitful Nile , whose generous Streams do flow , Without Controul , nor dull Confinement know . I have answer'd the Ends of my Creation , and you deny it your Daughter ; but I hope she 'll have more Grace than to mind you ; and to save Charges , you care not if she makes two Meals a Day on Chalk and Oat-meal ; and Faith , I pity her with all my Soul : And since thou art so perverse and obstinate , may this Fate attend you , May you Live no longer , than till every one 's a weary of you , and then I am confident we shall be rid of you in very short time : However I am not so much thy Enemy , but if you will go with me in the Cellar , I will give you a Pot of the best it affords , and your Daughters Health shall end our present difference : With all my heart , said he , but let us take a turn or two more , and then I 'll wait on you , which accordingly they did . But Viewing of him pretty narrowly , I thought I was no Stranger to his Face , tho' at present I could not call him to mind , and my Friend was of the same Opinion , and asking a Gentleman that stood by us , his Name , his Name , Sir , said he , is M — and is confin'd here for his Faults , not Misfortunes ; and no soo ner had we ask'd the Question , but he came up to us . Gentlemen , cry'd he , may I be so bold as to Crave your Names ? Sir , said we , we have just got the start of you , in making an enquiry of yours , and are very glad it hath answer'd our Expectations , for we partly remembred your Physiognomy , tho' time and absence , hath almost Bury'd our Acquaintance ; then calling himself to mind who we were , embrac'd us both , Cry'd , By my Soul , my old Friends and Acquaintance , I am heartily glad to see you , tho' 't is my Mis-fortune to be in a Goal . The occasion , I suppose , said I , is the same that made Honest Harry here , Turn Tar , and I for this three Years lead as recluse a Life as a Nun , and wholly devoted my self to Rural Pleasures ; and Faith 't was by meer accident , we dropt in here ; but before we came in , I prognosticated we should light of some Old Friend , and are heartily sorry it should be your Fate . Come , prithee hesitate no more on it , the worse Luck now , the better another time , answered he ; and since 't is to Chance alone we can impute this happiness ; let 's enjoy our selves : Therefore I beg the Favour of you , to honour me so far as to go to my Apartment , whereby we may renew our Acquaintance , and divert our selves in Discoursing on our former Intrigues ; and tho' I cannot Promise you such Entertainment as we Us'd to have , yet I believe you will not find it so despiseable as the place may represent it to be ; for we have several Gentlmen , notwithstanding their Confinement , can dispence with a Bottle or two , and are extraordinary good Company . Sir , said we , Let us beg the Favour of you to Permit us to see the House , since we have already made such a Progress , and after we shall be at your Service . Well , old Acquaintance , I 'll not dispute it with you , since you have a Mind to see this Cave of iniquity , but Acquiesce with your desires , and wish it may answer your Curiosity , and I 'll have the Honour , to wait on you my self , say'd he . With that we tipt Towzer a Hog , and dismist him , and told our Friend we had seen the Common-side already , and gave him our Sentiments on it . O , Cry'd he , the the chiefest Scene is the Cellar , which I can compare to nothing but Sodom ; there we have Tragy-Comedies Acted every Night ; but before I carry you there , I will shew you our side , which is something more regular than the Wards , for we have Chambers to our selves , but as there is no Palace without some Webs , so it cannot be expected this should be without some inconveniences , which may well be dispenc'd with , considering those many the Wards are subject to . Then taking us by a narrow pair of Stairs , on the Right hand , told us the first he should present us with was call'd Puppies-Parlour , a Room that any Prisoner at any time may have free Access to , ( provided 't is not in Use ) to finish their intrigues of Love , and is the only Room in the House for Procreation , and seldom a Night passes but its made use of by the Publick ; the Opposite Room is known by the Name of Clap-Arse-Hall , but for what Reason I know not . Then down we went to the next Floor , where the Chambers were pretty tollerable , bating the Sash-windows , but found nothing worth our observation , but an old Hermit in a Room , that on my Conscience I believe hath not been wash'd since the Gate hath been re-built ; what 's the reason , said I to my Friend , this Old man keeps his Chamber in no better Order ? But answer was made me , He was the very Quintessence of a Sloven , and abhors any thing that 's Cleanly and so wedded in his Opinion , that he holds it a Crime to destroy his Vermine , but will decently brush them off , to seek for fresh Quarters . Nay , alters the very Course of Nature , and abominates humane Society ; the Night which was ordain'd for Rest he turns to Day ; and the Day , which was design'd for Labour , converts he to Night ; nor can you put a greater Affront on him , than to ask him why he does not Endeavour to get out , or tell him his Chamber wants to be Clean'd ; and had rather hear of the Plague , Pestilence or Famine , than a Mop or a Broom . But come , says my Friend , I will keep you here no longer , least we should increase our Company . So down we went to the next Floor , where we found the ●est Rooms in the House , their Chambers were clean and descent , and some had 〈…〉 Furniture , which was handsome and genteel ; the Men for the most part of a 〈…〉 Aspect , and made an indifferent Figure , and were more Civiliz'd in their Conversation ; there we found quart Pots with Lids to them , and Dishes that bore 'em Company , which was an Evident proof , that good living was no Stranger there . And as we were going to leave that Floor , we were stopt by a Crow'd list'ning to the Ringing of a Bell at the passage Door , which was no sooner ceas'd , but the Cryer made Proclamation after this Manner : O Yes ! O Yes ! Any Man or Woman , Prisoner , or not a Prisoner , Boy or Girl , that can give any Tale or Tydings of a Man Child about sixty Years of Age , and may be known by these following Marks , He is too little for a Man , and too big for a Monkey , wears a narrow Brim'd Hat , walks like a Cropper Pidgeon , wears a Piss-burnt Wigg , and hath a very old Fashioned Phiz , and is known by the Name of — , he hath been missing from his Nightly Habitation ever since Yesterday five a Clock in the Afternoon ; and whosoever hath the good Fortune to find him , may take him for their Pains , and shall receive the Thanks of the whole House , provided they discharge him from the Prison . The Crowd being dispers'd , our Friend told us , there remain'd nothing now but our Descent into Sodom , where we will take a Pot or two of the best Liquor it affords ; In the doing of which , I do not question but you will find Diversion enough . But going down Stairs , my Friend show'd us a little Room , which had escap'd our Notice . Here , said the , Is the old Trade of Basket-making going forward : Yes , and Bastard making too , Sir , said the Man that was at work , for — and — was catch'd a hussling here not long ago : That may be , answer'd he , For when Puppies Parlor is taken up , this is made use of for the same Purpose , tho' it bath not the same Convenience , but no Opportunity must be Lost. Now being come to the Descent into Sodom , I was mightily surpriz'd , hearing the Noise below , and beholding the steep and narrow Entrance to it : Bless me ! Cry'd I to my Friend , this Descent seems to Contradict the Holy Scripture , which affirms , that the way to Destruction is Easy , and broad is the Path thereof ; but here the Descent is narrow , and almost Perpendicular , Omne in praecipiti Vitium Stetit — answer'd our Confin'd Friend , but here we are in a Medium . Well , down the Precipice we went , which put me in Mind of Quevedo's Descent into Hell. But as soon as we were down , our Hostess Conducted us into the Bar , asking us , What we would be pleas'd to Drink ? The best you have , said we . The motion I found pleas'd her well , for dropping a formal Curt'siye , and Screw'd her Chops into a forc'd Smile , said indeed 't was very good , she was sure . Z — ds , said our Friend , that 's always your Apology by G — d ; set down the Liquor , and your Absence , I beseech you , sweet Lady ; and give us leave to Praise it that are to Drink it ; with that she left us , shaking her Head ; saying , You are a sad Man : But asking him why he us'd his Landlady thus ? S'BI — d , what I do is in my own Defence , reply'd he ; and if I had not begun with her first , she would have had the Impudence to have Dun'd me before your Faces . Now being settled , and the Cellar full of Company , we began to make a Scrutiny into their several Stations , and Observe their Motions ; and the first that was worth our Observation , was an old Weather-beaten Fellow in a Gown that hung by Geometry , and a Face as Fiery as the Sun ; who being Elevated with the Spirit of Malt , in a most Lamentable Tone , Belch'd forth this Song in Praise of King Lud , Cruelty of the Creditors , and Miserable Condition of the Prisoners , who gave great Attention , and was as followeth . Noble King Lud , long time hast thou stood , Not fram'd of Wood , but of Stone , And since sure thou art like a Creditors Heart , That Cares not a Figg for our Moan . While we in this Gate , do Beg thro' a Grate , Lamenting our State in this City ; Yet our Yawling , and Bawling , and Calling , Moves not a Creditors Heart unto Pity . In a poor thread bear Coat , we tear our Throat , With a Pitiful Moan for Relief ; Good Sir , we Cry , the Box hanging by , Here 's a hundred and more full of Grief . But Gallants they Ride on , and never think upon The Sorrowful Moan that we make ; But with Rumbling , and Iumbling their Coaches , The Stones in the Street , they do shake . Others pass by , and hearing our Cry , Will cast up an Eye of Disdain ; Saying that if we were once but set free , We soon would come hither again . And no sooner had he ended his Song , but one of the Company wrapt out an Oath , that 't was matter of Fact , and Caution'd him to take Warning , having now the Liberty of the Hatch : Why , reply'd he , Thou little Illiterate Coxcomb , and Spawn of a Knight of the Post , who the Devil made you a Solicitor , that could not keep your self out of Goal ? And have the Impudence to pretend to teach me ! I that have born all Offices of the House , and am the Senior of my Ward ! Nay , from the Stocks have been Exalted on Mens shoulders to my lofty Apartment ! I that have out Witted W — t the Officer , and put the day of the Month on his Moveables ! To be Taught by such a little Narrow Soul'd Fellow as thou ! No , be it known unto you , I Scorn to take your Counsel , or mind your Musty Morals ; and taking his Glass of Ale , Here said he , thou Superanuated Block-head , here is defiance to them all , and thou that stiles thy self a Solicitor , and hast not the Sense of a Bum-Bayliff : Why so much at a time , Mr. — said a stander by to him . Look there now , reply'd he , there 's an Animal , when he first came hither , look'd like one of Pharoahs Lean Kine , but now thanks to my Lord-Mayors Basket , is as Fat as a Whipping-Post , and sets up for an Assistant ; you shall be an Assistant , with a Pox to ye ! If I was , answer'd he , I 'd tame your Tongue . That 's more than you can your Wifes : or Tail either , answer'd he , thou dull insip'd Rascal : Sirrah , I 'l have thee Hang'd out at the Gate to bring a Trade to the House , thou sordid Mercenary Blockhead , that for three Halfpence , would betray thy own Father , and Pimp for thy own Wife : At last the Fellow being in a Passion , told him When he first came , he had not a Rag to his Arse : That 's a Lye , said he , and I 'll prove it , for 't is well known , I had nothing else ; but however , Relation , to convince you , I bear no Malice , or am in the least Angry , I here Create thee Sole Heir and Executor to the Gown on my Back , and all that it harbours . He than sat down , charg'd his Gun , and gave the Word for the other Pot. No sooner was this Fray over , but another fell a Rating at his Hostess , telling her she had not fill'd the Pot , and yet thought much of Scoring , and behang'd to her : with that said her Husband , Fill it Wife , fill it , I desire no otherwise , for what I get is only by Strangers , but for Scoring I will no more , nor is it reasonable : But his Wife being vext , at her second Journey for one Pot , pull'd him away , by the Sleeve , crying , Come Husband , come : But harkye , said one , Do you say , you get nothing but by Strangers ? What the Devil do you mean ? Do you think I was born Yesterday ? You must tell them so , that knows no better ; what 's your Hot-Pots , your Stout , Brandy , Nick'd Measure , Tobacco , and double Scoring ? Doth this consist with Reason , when you can afford to take a Guniea for thirty five Shillings ? Is not all this Evident proof ? S'B — d I can prove you have got four Shillings , and a Meal for you and your Husband , by an Apple-Pye that stood you but in two ; and yet all this is nothing : At which they could make no reply , but he slunk away , Lolling out his Tongue , and she look'd as the Devil over Lincoln ; and 't is thought by the Learned , that her Countenance did the Dairy-Woman on the other side the Gate , ten Shillings worth of Dammage . Well , Gentlemen , say'd our Friend , How do you like your Diversion ? Why as well as a Play , answered we , and protest 't is as Comical : But look there is two a Fighting , and Sodom is in an Uproar , and Fair Play is the Word : Yes Faith , said he , but seldom made use of , but the occasion of this Quarrel , which you see is already over , happened , as I am inform'd , last Night , and is thus : He with the Bloody-Nose , made an Agreement with her in the red Top-knot , by the Fire-side , to meet last Night at Twelve a Clock on the Stair-case by Puppies-Parlour , to take a Game of Ar — e together ; which Bloody-Nose over-heard , went at the Hour appointed , and found her alone ( for her Lover with whom she had made the agreement over-slept himself ) and being pretty Dark , he makes use of the opportunity and goes to her ; she thinking it had been him which she expected , without any reluctancy yielded to his Embraces , and no Question but they made good Use of their time ; but having enjoy'd , her he discovers himself to her , telling her he was mightily oblig'd to her for her Civility , but more to the Obscurity of the Night ; also that stollen Love was sweet , and Silence very commendable . At which she was 〈…〉 surpriz'd , and desir'd him to conceal it , which he promis'd to do , and so 〈…〉 But he continued there , expecting his Rival ; and 't was not long before he came , crying as softly as possible he could , My Dear , my Dear ! Upon which he made a little Noise to signifie he was there ; for answer he could not , least he should be betray'd by his Voice ; which he hearing , did not doubt but 't was she , and cry'd aloud I was afraid I had out-stay'd my time , but I 'll make thee amends : That 's more than you can do , by G — d , answered he aloud , for I have waited here this hour at least , to tell you your Mistress was so impatient that I was forc'd to supply your place , for which I do expect a reward . Yes , I 'll give you Satisfaction , and be damn'd to you , answer'd he , and falls aboard on him like a Fury ; and had he not had timely Assistance , his sweet Meat would have had but sower Sauce ; but being heard , they were soon parted , and sent to their several Beds ; but to day the disappointed Lover hearing his Rival had divulg'd last Nights intrigues , bent his thoughts on nothing but Revenge ( for Jealousie is a Green-Ey'd Monster ) and gives him a Challenge into the White-Room ; but he having obtain'd his desires , thought it not worth his while to hazard a Battle , for what he had already enjoy'd , and so declin'd it , and laugh'd at him . But the Intrigue and Scuffle being blaz'd over all the House , and his Mistress also ridicul'd , he was resolved to fall aboard him the first opportunity , and was well satisfied the Error she had committed was through Ignorance : He hearing he was in the Cellar , could no longer Bridle his Passion , but comes down in a Rage , and falls on him , and has given him a Bloody Nose , and he in return for his Civility hath presented him with a Black-Eye , which I suppose will end the difference ; and a Pot or two will make 'em as good Friends as ever . Prethee , said I , what is she ? Why Faith , no Angel. That I presume , cry'd I , unless it be a dark one ; but be she what she will , she carrys it off with Courage ; Yes Faith , answer'd my Friend , she has Stock enough for a Corner-Shop , and is one of the first rank in Sodom ; her Name is Lay-Cock . But Prethee observe these two at the Upper-end of the Table , the one is a self conceited Coxcomb , and looks like a Devil out-Law'd ; a Quill-driver by Vocation , and by his plausible Discourse thinks he merits every ones Attention , by which he exposes his Weakness , and becomes a Jest to the whole House : The other is a poor ignorant Fellow , that 's Confin'd here by his Wife , by reason he could not perform Family Duty , and goes by the Name of Semper Idem . No sooner had he done Speaking , but the Word was given for Strangers below to depart the House ; Strangers above depart , the House ; and the Table was put in Order for the Nocturnal Club : Upon which , we discharg'd our shot , and told our Confin'd Friend , we would in a short time renew our Visit ; and since time will not permit us now , we will refer Discoursing on our own Affairs till the next opportunity . 'T is a general Maxim , said he , Out of Sight , out of Mind ; and Prison Promises are no more to be Regarded , then Madmens Oaths ; not that I think you will derogate from your word in the least , but only give you the Vulgar Opinion ; for I hope the Conversation and Friendship that have formerly past between us , will oblige you to perform : It is upon honour , answer'd we , and that shall be in a day or two at farthest ; and if it lies in our Power to serve you , by that Sacred Tye of Friendship that has past between us , and shall still continue , you may Command us . No my dear Friends , answer'd he , you can lay no greater Obligation on me , than what you have already Contracted in the continuance of our Friendship , and the promise of another Visit ; then we will take a Bottle or two of our old Liquor , and Injoy our selves , as formerly : Compare Notes , and see how the Park , Temple , Grays Inn , and Play-house-Ladies stand affected ; what new Comets and Blazing-stars , have appear'd . Why I find thou art the same in Confinement , as when at Liberty , cry'd I ; Why , not said he ? There will be a day of Redemption , and I hope mine draws near . But as Othello says , Who can controul his Fate ! Then having a second Summons to depart we quitted the Bar , and dispers'd some loose Corns to the Prisoners to drink our Healths , and likewise one to the Reverend Doctor ; took leave of our Friend , and departed well satisfied with the Sight and Intrigues of Ludgate , which I shall conclude with a saying of Hamlet Prince of Denmark . Then let the stricken Deer go Weep , The Hart Vngall'd go Play ; For some must Watch , while some do Sleep ; Thus runs the World away . FINIS . 
A67512	----	The miracles perform'd by money a poem / by the author of the humours of a coffee-house. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1692 Approx. 28 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 13 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67512 Wing W746 ESTC R3744 12311313 ocm 12311313 59368 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67512) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 59368) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 904:42) The miracles perform'd by money a poem / by the author of the humours of a coffee-house. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. [4], 20 p. Printed, and are to be sold by the booksellers of London and Westminster, London : 1692. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Attributed to Edward Ward. cf. BM. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Money -- Early works to 1800. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-04 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-05 John Latta Sampled and proofread 2003-05 John Latta Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE MIRACLES Perform'd by MONEY ; A POEM . By the Author of the Humours of a Coffee-house . T is Virtue , Wit , and Worth , and all , That Men Divine , and Sacred call : For what is Worth in any thing , But so much Money as t' will bring ? Hudibras part 2d . Canto 1st . LONDON : Printed , and are to be sold by the Book-sellers of London and Westminster : 1692. EPISTLE DEDICATORY TO Sir Martin Monyless . SInce my very good Friend , but now under the Hatches , And as poor as a Seller of Brooms and Card-matches , Thou hast left off thy Quibbles , thy Songs , and thy Catches . Prithee leave off thy Sober dull Plodding and thinking , And into thy Pockets get Ready and Chink in , And then I 'le allow thee a Time for good Drinking . For till then be thy Parts ne're so Modish and Florid , Till with Darby's and Smelts thou thy Purse hast well stored , There 's a Fool in thy Face , and an Ass in thy Forehead . What a Pox do I care for a Monyless Fellow ? If he speaks ne're so Witty he seems but to Bellow , If he wants the true Blessings of White and of Yellow . Till thou Mony hast got , thy Brisk Humour will falter , Till thou hast it ne're spare neither Temple nor Altar , But a Word by the by , Have a care of the Halter . But let happen What will , get some Mony how er'e , Cog , Flatter , Dissemble , Lye , Swear , and Forswear , And attempt any Action a brave Fellow dare . Be a Pimp , or a Pander , a Sharper , or Bully , A Decoy , a Trappan , or a Counterfeit Cully , And never give ore till thou 'st done the trick fully . Swear old Men are young , and Queen Blowze is a Beauty , Undo pretty Virgins , tempts Wives from their Duty , And be true to all Interests you think will be true t' ye . Out-rail a Bilk't Coachman , Out-banter a Wit , Out-lye a News-writer , out-promise a Cit , Strive thy self to out-do if the Thing thou canst hit . More Women deceive than did Wickham of late , Religion or Bawdy or any thing Prate , And put on all Shapes so thou get but the Plate . Prithee never want Mony what ever may lack thee , For when thou hast Mony no Friends will forsake thee , But if thour' t without it the Devil may take thee . Thy Friend ( if thou wilt be thine own ) Tom of Ten Thousand . WHat mighty Magick does the World betwitch , That all Mankind thus Covet to be Rich ? Daily plough up the raging stormy Main , From East to West , and all in chase of Gain ; Climb highest Hills , through sandy Deserts go , Over partcht Plains , and Mountains clad in Snow ; The various Heats and Colds of Climates scorn , Of both the Tropicks , Cancer , Capricorn ; Deprive their Nights of Rest , their Days of Pleasure , Grow Hoary-headed in pursuit of Treasure ; Swear and Forswear , Equivocate and Lye , Stick at no Oaths nor blackest Perjury ; Sons kill their Fathers , Brother fight with Brother , And all Mankind prove Wolves to one another ; Friends sheath their Swords in Bosoms of their Friends , When with kind Love their Interest contends ; With wild confusion all the World spread o're , Occasion'd by the search of Shining Oar : The Secret would some Spirit but unfold , From whence proceeds this mighty thirst of Gold ? Cease Foolish Muse , thy Admiration cease , Or to know nothing of the World confess ; For 't is a certain Maxim plain and clear , Want of a Blessing makes a Blessing dear : What Monied Man wrackt with Gout , would not , With a young healthful Beggar change his Lot ? With wholesom Scraps a vig'rous health maintain , Rather than lye on Velvet Couch in pain ? If Love of Mony be the Root of Evil , The want of it is certainly the Devil : A Truth which ever was and ever will Be known to all the Brethren of the Quill : Their Purses like Sprink-tides are sometimes swel'd , And to the Brims with smiling Angels fill'd : But Tides of Ebb do soon their Pockets drain , And then they 're at low Water mark again . Since then it is not by the Gods allow'd , Poets should always find so great a good , Wee 'l rail at what is not within our Power , As did the Fox , who swore the Grapes were sour ; Recount the various Wonders hourly done , By Monies strange effective Force alone , And the surprizing Miracles unfold , Done by the Vertue of Almighty Gold. Room for my Lord there — be uncover'd Slave , Bear back ye Vermin , cries a sawcy Knave , Walking before a Spark whose vast Estate Did's Title first , and then Respect create : Whose Grand-father perhaps was one so civil , For Gold to go directly to the Devil , That his dear Hony suckle Babe might be A Knight , or else a Man of Quality : See how he struts — observe the humble grin , Which by his Flatterers is return'd again ; Mark how they bow with most fantastick cringes , As if their Bodies mov'd by Springs and Hinges . A supple Slave then whispers in his Ear , My Lord , Gad judg me , if you dont appear , The most accomplish'd Person in the World , Your Shape so clean , your Wigg so neatly Curl'd ; Nay you 'r the only Man at Court , which ere Knew how to Dress — By Gad my Lord you wear Your Cloaths with such becoming Negligence , As if you only put them on by Chance ; The Ladies all have laid their Hearts at stake , And sigh and languish only for your sake . At this my Lord affords a gracious Smile , Listning to 's fulsom Flattery all the while . By this time to attend his Levee , comes A needy Poet , twirling of his Thumbs , And looking simply humbly craves , my Lord , The mighty Honour would be pleas'd t' afford , As to become a Patron to his Play , That is , in other words , be pleas'd to pay For fulsom Praise , cramp't in a florid Story , In the Epistle called Ded'catory : By a small nod my Lord assents he will , Which does the scribling Wretch will pleasure fill : Homeward he goes by studious Arts to raise , For gilded Quality some tinsel Praise . Nay too too oft do Men of Wit and Parts , Well read in Men , in Languages and Arts , Expose , for want of necessary Pence , To monied Blockheads , their Immortal Sense ; Who by that Means acquire a lasting Fame , And to Posterity transmit a Name ; Which in Oblivions Records else had stood , With Names of Millions dead before the Flood . Mong Wonders to which Mony makes pretence , 'T is strange it shou'd supply the want of Sense ! Yet is an Ideot by Fortune blest , With a full Pocket , or a well cram'd Chest ; And by the means of his so large Increase , Made Knight o' th Shire , or Justice of the Peace : At Quarter-Sessions when he sits in State , Among his Brethren , to Assess and Rate , Tho nere so dull and flat , yet what he says , Is of By-Standers sure to gain the Praise ; 'T is much if when their Commendations Swell , They say not — Spoken like an Oracle . Or if in mixt Converse , where Business , News , Or other Talk does Company amuse , The Man should chancc to Interfere and Prate , ( For nothing noted but his great Estate ) If by the Hour he Nonsense should discourse , ( Than which there cannot be a greater Curse In Conversation ) yet they listen all , And greedily snatch up the Words which fall From 's Mouth , as if they were in modern Sense , The choicest Pearls and Flowers of Eloquence . But if on him the Itch of Scribling seize , And 's labring Thoughts can never be at ease , Till he in Print has to the World put forth , A Piece ( as he esteems ) of mighty Worth , Be th' Subject what it will of any kind , It will not fail a vast Applause to find ; For there was ner'e a Scribling Monied Fop , But found some greater Fool to cry him up ; If not much Prais d , it will at least be said , The Author wrote for Pleasure , not for Bread. Is Verse the Subject ? Tho' each Stanza chimes , With as much Spirit as do Belmen's Rhimes ; Tho' ten times duller every Line appears , Than Crowns late Daeneids , or John Bunyans Verse : Yet his flat Nonsense will the World prefer , Before the Lines of Cowley , Rochester , Waller or Denham , or the late admir'd Oldham , who wrote as with a Muse inspir'd . If Politicks his empty Pages swell , He understands much more than Matchivel ; And does from newer Principles derive ye The grounds of Rule than Hobbs in Book de Cive : Nay , he how far the very bounds can show , Prerogative and Priviledge may go ; And he has often , tho' t' has been in 's Power , Declin'd the Place of Privy Councellor . Does History amuse his idle Hours ? He does with more Solidity discourse Of that grave Subject , than can ere be read , In Works of Baker , Speed or Hollinshed . If to mixt Subjects he his Pen applies , What ere he writes is sure to find success ; His Flatterers will every thing admire , Each Line , each Sentence , sets their Souls on fire ; All is Divine , there 's not a Word amiss , With joy they shake , and weep with tenderness : By this his Vanity so high is flown , He thinks no Works so shining as his own : If you in number of his Friends he takes , Of 's Works to you he then a Present makes ; For which , as 't is the Fashion now a days , You must be sure the new Composure praise , And tell him , that the sottish World had lain In Ignorance , had not his Learned Pen The Foggs their Reason clouded , soon dispell'd , And with rich thoughts their empty judgments fil'd : Tho after all it is these Scriblers fate , ( For little else but noisy Praise they get ) To have their very Works so much esteem'd , By Flatterers , to be at last condemn'd , To wrap up Spice , Tobacco , Soap and Plumbs , Under Pyes put , or wipe the Readers B — s ; And thus each lofty Line , each mighty Thought , Is to its final Execution brought . If one by Fortune plac d in low Degree , Reduc'd to Want and needy Poverty , Living in Country Village all alone , His Name to Parish-Register scarce known , Should by some strange and unexpected Fate , Become the Heir to Mony or Estate , And is , his part the better to maintain , Ambitious to be thought a Gentleman ; Tho' by the ancient Stock from whence he came , He was a Begger both by Sire and Dam ; Yet Learned Heralds can for Mony show , From some rich Family he first did grow : Tho , for some time it may have been obscure , His Ancestors came in with th' Conqueror . If store of Or and Argent he has got , He shall not fail to have 'em in his Coat ; Tho' Dormant Couchant long his Name did rest , He shall have Lyon Rampant for his Crest ; And if hee l pay but briskly for the thing , From John of Gaunt his Pedigree they 'l bring Thus store of Mony and a vast Estate , Can of a Clown a Gentleman create . But now another Scene appears in view , A Scene which known Experience says is true : Suppose then Reader , that my Friend and I , Ev'n in the days of Childish Infancy Such Freedoms take , we afterwards improve , To highest Offices of Friendly Love ; One Soul our diff'rent Bodies seems to move , Alike we hate , alike approve , and love : All lawful Pleasures we alike partake , And each is free to Dye for t'others sake ; No Task thought difficult , nor Danger great , May firmer Unions of our Souls create ; And what crowns all , we both have Mony store , He vastly Rich , I far from being-Poor . But if by Fortune's strange capricious Spight , On my Estate some sweeping Mischief light , Some raging Fire my blooming Hopes prevent , Or Loss by Sea , or other Accident Strips me of all those Riches once I had , My Diet mean , my self more meanly clad , Pensive and Thoughtful all day long I walk , And to my self in broken Murmurs talk , Having no Comfort but this Thought alone , Tho Fortune 's fled , yet Friendship is not gone ; Unwilling yet of Friends to ask Relief , For there 's a kind of Modesty in Grief , As yet within the compass of my Breast , My Wants , my Troubles , and Afflictions rest ; Yet if at last my cruel Creditors , Joyn all their Forces , and unite their Powers To crush me , and by Serjeants rude Arrest , I 'm safely lockt in Ludgate's stony Chest ; But yet in Prison give my Thoughts some scope , And entertain my self with starving Hope , That my rich Friend , since now I stand in need , Will prove a real , cordial Friend indeed ; I write ; no Answer comes : I write ag'en , Till I to Stumps have almost worn my Pen ; No Friend appears , my dying Hopes to cherish , There I may Lye and Rot , and Starve and Perish ; At last , when I 've more Messengers employ'd , Then patient Job with their sad Tales anoy'd , He sends — ( for should himself in Person come , He 'd be Infected in a Prison-room ) And lets me know , that he is very sorry From Walls of Stone , to hear my dismal Story , But had poor luckless I two days before Sent the sad News , he could with mighty store Have eas'd my wants , and tho his heart was willing , He could not now equip me with a Shilling ; For on the Morning of that very Day I sent , he 'd paid all 's ready Cash away : Or else — when he the Message has read o're , Pretends he never heard my Name before : Lord how I wonder who this Man should be , That sends this sad complaining Note to me ? I knew indeed a Wealthy Man o' th Name , But cannot guess the Person whence this came : Tho' he and I a thousand times have try'd Pleasures , when sailing with a Monied Tide , But now my Person 's utterly forgot , And I in Gaol condemn'd alive to rot : Strange Logick ! Can the Walls of Prison frame , And prove the same Man is not now the same ? But if by some most unexpected fate , By some Friend's Death I 'm left a good Es̄tate , And from Confinement sally once again , Of my Acquaintance , what a mighty Train , Who either shun'd or knew me not before , Come cringing now , and wait upon my Door ! In Anti-Chamber wait till I shall rise , And with their Wishes my good Fortune bless , While each one strives to do what ere he can , For me the fortunate , the happy Man ; With folding Arms my Body they entwine , Their Fortunes , Services , their Souls are mine , With winged haste at my Commands they run , All court the Rising , none the Setting Sun. If Gold in Friendship can such Wonders shew , In Love , what strange amazing Things 't wil do ? Not Wit nor Vertue half so much can move , As pow'rful Gold in Arts of making Love : A thousand Accidents tempt Flesh and Blood , But powerful Guinea cannot be withstood , For 't is a Truth which Mankind will confess , That ready Mony speaks all Languages . Am I than AEsop more deform'd in Shape , A prating , chatt'ring , laughing , am'rous Ape , And justly can pretend no other Sense , But noisy Nonsense and Impertinence ; If I with Guineas have my Pockets Lind , What signifies the Shape of Corps or Mind ? The Ladies will Adore any Person more , Than that of Handsom F — g , heretofore . I am their Dearest Dear , their Fubbs their Honey Their Angels nay their very Heav'n for Mony : I am more welcom to their Longing Arms , Than is a Man possest with Thousand Charms , Of Person , Birth , Wit , Valour , tho I want Each Quality , I am their Darling Saint . For Mony , Husbands will their Wives Decoy , And teach 'em to Commit the Guilty Joy ; Ride out of Town , that the Gallant may come To tast forbidden Pleasures in his Room . And if he unawares should chance to be Spectator of their Am'rous Privacy , Is Deaf and Blind , and cannot hear nor see ; Nay some Obliging Cuckolds will do more , Bring the Spark home and after hold the Door , Think Horns no Shame , if Mony by them come , And Boast and Glory in their Cuckoldom . Mothers for this their Daughters will betray To Man of Quality , if he but pay . With Charming Guineas in the Ballance laid , What a poor Trifle is a Maidenhead ? T is found and lost , t is lost and found again , As is the Cully found 'mongst monied Men : To those will pay for such forbidden Crimes , It shall be sold 'bove thirty sev'ral times , And the crackt Girl more timerous appear , Than Lucrece was when Tarquin Ravisht her . Too well this Infamous deceit is known : To the Lewd Bawds of this Luxurious Town , When a Raw Country Girl away they lead , And turn the Penny by her Maiden-head . How many Jilts , Cracks , Prostitutes and Whores Their Sexes scandal , Natures common Shores , Are there in Town ( sad Wretches as they are ) Who once were very vertuous , young and Fair ? And who had vertuous been this very Hour , Had it not been for Gold's Almighty Power . Gold first their Blindfold Reason led astray , ( For who its Mighty Power can disobey ? Gold to forbidden Paths First brought them in , And Gold alone informd 'em how to Sin. The Greatest Blessing which the God's have sent , T' inrich Mankind withall , is True Content , Which humble Poor as well as Rich enjoy ; Lifes only Cordial , Lifes true Solid Joy , Yet this rare Jewel is too often Sold , And ev'ry Day Exchang'd for Shining Gold. Can it be thought an old Grey withered Sot , Who has in 's Grave one Foot already got , With Palsies , Aches , Rheumes , and Gout opprest , No Pith in 's Back , nor Vigour in his Breast , Can be a welcome Present to the Arms Of a Young Creature blest with Thousand Charms ? Yet this we see is almost Daily done , And fair young Phillis , by old Damon won ; Whilst other Shepherds Witty Gay and Young , Who by her side have tun'd their Pipes and Sung , Wanting the Blessing of a large Estate , Which Settlement and Joynture may Create , Are slighted — whilst the Youthful Charming Bride , Lyes by an old Mans unperforming Side . The Price of Beauty what Man does not know ? Alas the Value on t is fallen so low , Each petty Chapman now with Purse in Hand , Has it at Minutes Warning to Command . Women like Books and Pictures now a Days , Are put to Sale , and who the Price can raise , Not he whose Merits decently can Crave 'em , No , no , the Lucky He bids most shall have 'em : Youth , Wit and Valour will not now prevail : But yet Almighty Mony cannot fail . With what Impatience have I often seen , A Youthful Bride , who never saw Eighteen , Running with nimble haste to opening Door , To meet her Good old Man of Sixty four , Clap her Warm , Soft , Plump Rosy Cheek to his , And nestle through his Beard to get a Kiss ? Play with her Hand upon his Grisly Chin , And softly say , my Dear where have you been ? Well , you 'r unkind , a Naughty Man I vow , I thought you 'd been at home two Hours agoe , Dinner 's quite spoil'd — But yet for you my Dear , I have reserv'd some Lobsters and Caveir I almost Longd to see you — He mean while , For these Endearments can't afford a Smile , But in his Clownish way says — you 've your Will , But Pleasure must give Place to Business still : Gripewell and I have got this very Morning , A thousand Pounds — a Sum not worth the Scorning , And tho the Times are Cloudy like the Weather , At honest Ned's took one half pint together . Come come — and there perhaps he leads her in , A Sight would almost tempt a Man to Sin , And from him , since he values not the Pleasure , To snatch the Lovely Young and Tempting Treasure . For Mony thus will Virgins throw their Charms Within the Circle of an Old Mans Arms ; Tho' Frost to Fruits , and Mildew to the Corn , To Armour Rust , or Fits to Child new Born , Cannot more Fatal and Destructive prove , Than Age to Beauty , Impotence to Love : Her youthful Heat new Blood in him inspires , While he by 's Coldness Damps her warmer Fires , His aged Limbs do Gout or Palsie Rack ; She must by Sympathy his Ills partake , Becoming in short time ( a thing most Common ) A Sickly Pining Drooping old young Woman . Shift we the Scene now to a close Alcove , And see a youthful Spark pretending Love , ( For sure no Man can be so void of Sense To think 't is any thing but meer pretence ) To an old withered Beldam of threescore , Of swelling Bags blest with a Numerous store : What Mighty Wonders cannot Mony do ? Tho She Deform'd as Mother Shipton shew , He Gripes her Palsied Hand , and vows and swears No Beauty at the Court with her compares , So soft her Skin , her Eyes such Lustre hold , Nature design'd she never should grow old , While she with Smiles , ( which are indeed Grimace ) Adding more Wrinkles to her Wainscoat Face , Half opening of her Mouth to her new Lover , Fearing she should the want of Teeth discover , Cries , truly Sir , I wonder you should spy , One Charm in me to please your curious Eye : I 'm old , t is true , but yet there was a time , Tho 't is long since , when I was in my Prime : This Face had Charms — Ah Madam ! pray forbear , Say not it had , they 're still too plainly there , Says he , and pushing on his am'rous Rage , Tells her , that Wine and Beauty gain by Age. She overcome , poor Thing , by his soft Words , At last to take him for her Spouse affords : To Church they go , on which the World may say ( That truly now December Weds with May ; While he receives a Pension during Life , To Do the Drudg'ry of an old Rich Wife . T were Endless , should I but attempt to Run , O're all the Miracles by Mony done . What Mighty Magick is there in a Fee , To turn the very Scales of Equity ? Wrong shall be Right , and Right again be Wrong , If but with Gold you touch the Lawyers Tongue , And the Coifd Serjeant , when at Barr he pleads , Shall speak or true or false , as Guinea leads ; And Votes of Scarlet Judges bought and sold , If purchased by the Mighty Power of Gold. The Roman Church her self is not asham'd , To say the Poor , and only they are Damn'd ; The Rich shall stay short time in Purgatory , But no poor Wretch directly went to Glory : No , he must fry in Purgatory Kitchin , Till Mony can his Soul from thence be fetching . No Colledge Doctor in his Guilded Coach , The Cottages of Poor will ere approach . Phisicians come not where there are no Fees , None cure or plead in Forma pauperis . Mony what Wonders can it not effect ? Who ever faild that had it , of Respect ? T' will make the Blind Man see , the Lame Man walk , Make Deaf Men hear , and Dumb Men loudly talk ; T' will make an old Man have a youthful Skin , And Beldams , old as Aldgate , not Sixteen ; Make Cowards Valiant , and make Blockheads Wise , And from low Dunghills make th' ignoble Rise ; Get Pardons for , and Licences to Sin , Tempt Virgins , and unwary Youth draw in ; Depress the Good and Vertuous with Disgrace , And set up Vice to Lord it in their place : But ah ! what Pen its Miracles can tell , Which Heaven purchases and saves from Hell ? FINIS . 
A67513	----	Modern religion and ancient loyalty a dialogue. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1699 Approx. 19 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67513 Wing W747 ESTC R15113 12208410 ocm 12208410 56214 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67513) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 56214) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 904:43) Modern religion and ancient loyalty a dialogue. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 16 p. [s.n.], London : 1699. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. In verse. Attributed to Edward Ward. cf. BM. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). The general aim of EEBO-TCP is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic English-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in EEBO. 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Religion -- Poetry. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-05 Jonathan Blaney Sampled and proofread 2003-05 Jonathan Blaney Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion Modern Religion AND Ancient Loyalty : A DIALOGUE . LONDON , Printed in the Year 1699. Modern Religion AND Ancient Loyalty : A DIALOGUE . Loyalty . WHAT black Decree of Over-ruling Fate , Ordains me thus Unfortunate of Late , Who once made Nations Happy , and their Princes Great ? The People's Safety , and the Throne 's Delight , Religion's only Darling Favourite ; Whose holy Priests assisted at my Birth , Nurs'd me as Vertue , and proclaim'd my Worth Thro' all the Christian Kingdoms of the Earth . Where long , as Monarch of the Heart , I Reign'd ; By all Approv'd , and by the Church Maintain'd ; To me their Love , I gratefully repaid ; And Nations where I dwelt , I easie made : Preserv'd the Subjects Duty to the Crown , And made the People and the Prince but One. I all things in a happy Medium steer'd , Clad in Bright Innocence , unstain'd appear'd , Beloy'd by all Good M●● , by none but R●bels fear'd . But now , alas ! by some prevailing Chance , That sprang from Int'rest , Pride , or Ignorance , Or some Rebellious Seeds that Lurk unseen , Within the Hearts of blind mistaken Men , Am I Abandon'd , Slighted , and Despis'd , And from my Milk-white Robes in Rags Disguis'd ; Thrust out of Country , City , Church , and Court , And Foo● Ba●-like , become the Publick Sport. Corrupted thus , they all conspire my Doom , And raise inglorious Int'rest in my room . Int'rest , that oft Contaminates the Saint ; And makes the Knave in holy Language Cant. Int'rest , that first taught Innocence to sin ; And bribes the Heart to let Corruption in . Int'rest , that over All bears Sov'reign Sway , Makes the Friend faithful , and the Rogue betray , The Soldier hazzard Life , and the Great Man Obey . Tell me Religion — Why do your Teachers suffer me to Fall , Once so Upheld , but now the Scorn of all ; Excluded from your Pulpits , and betray'd ; By your Revolving Priests am Odious made ; What was your Doctrine once , why do you now Evade ? Religion . Faction Prevailes , and does too Pow'rful grow ; You see I 'm brought by Tolleration Low. How can You hope by Me to be Advanc'd , Since I my Self am thus Discountenanc'd ? My spurning Foes on ev'ry side Aspire : I Lose my Pow'r , They Gain what they Desire . How then can I ( Reduc'd by their Designs ) Promote Your Int'rest , when my Own Declines ? No more can I Redress thy Present State , Than Falling Princes make their Favourites Great . The Growing Factions thy Obedience blame , And call thee but an Empty Sound , a Name ; They think thee Giddiness , a Church-Disease , And Tumble and Transfer thee as they please . Thou canst expect no Favour in an Age , Where Truth is hiss'd from off the Publick Stage ; And Vertue hides her Head , whilst Pride and Envy rage . Thy hateful Strictness would my Followers Fright , Who brand thee with the Name of Jacobite ; Tho' known to all Opinions , few apply thee right . When Both Acknowledg'd One Supreme Command , Like Faithfull Friends , we then walk'd Hand in Hand ; But since the Pow'r of Heaven has chang'd the Scene , By Notions False you have Misguided been ; And thro' Erroneous Principles , Dissent From Me , and Heav'ns Appointed Government . In Your Behalf how can my Clergy Plead , If you deny Submission to my Head ; And think your self Vnalterably Bound To the meer Name of King , wherein no Pow'r is found ? Whilst you Refuse your stubborn Neck to Bow T' Authority , both Church and Laws allow ; And like a Treacherous G●ide betray the Blind , To Grope for Treasure , which they ne'er can find , To all my Priesthood Odious wilt thou be ; And canst no Aid expect from Them or Me. We Yield Allegiance to the Sov'reign Sway ; Who heav'n Anoints , Religion must Obey . Till you Submit , you can no Longer Bind ; The Free-born Subject won't be so confin'd : And if they be , when once they 've Broke the Chain , Like Bears , 't is hard to Fetter them again . They 'll hazzard All to set their Minds but Free , So highly do they prize their Liberty ; That darling Object of the Peoples Love , The only Spring that does the Publick move ; The Peasant's Comfort , and the Rich-man's Care , The Crown of Peace , and common Cause of War ; A Kingdom 's Pride , Strength , Safety and Delight , The Monarch's Duty , and the Subject's Right ; A Pleasing Bliss the dullest Lump desires , The only Native Good that all Mankind Admires . But You an Adamantine Yoke design'd , Attempting , by a Lawless Force , to Bind ; And make Allegiance such a Fatal Chain , That cannot , must not be dissolv'd by Man. How can such High-flown Loyalty agree With Bounded Pow'r , and Native Libertie ? For if Obedience be the Subjects part , When Kings an Arbitrary Pow'r exert , What Lawful Fence or Bulwark can there be The People to secure from Slaverie ? What Rights or Freedoms can a Nation boast , But what may be by Sov'reign Pow'r ingrost ? What Law can Hinder , or what Curb Restrain , The wild Ambition of a Vitious Man ? All at a Tyrants Mercy then must be , Religion , Life , Estate , and Libertie ; The People all are Slaves , none but the Monarch Free. Besides — Submission of the Whole implies Consent ; And Absolute Confirms the Government . If you Bear Wrongs , and may Prevent the same , Who but the Sufferers shall Deserve the Blame ? Such Passive Tameness , when you 've Pow'r to Nil , Concludes you as a Partner in the Ill. The Patient Bigot who Resigns his Rights , In Duty to a Tyrants Will Submits ; Against the Publick Good and Safety , Errs ; And basely Does more Injury than he Bears . Thus by degrees Intails a Slavery ; And Gains the Curses of Posterity ; These are the sad Effects of too strict Loyalty : From hence you 're term'd a musty Roman Cheat , Allmost Exploded , and grown Obsolete . As far as You the Nations Rights Secure , And Bind Allegiance to the King in Pow'r , Such Loyalty I Hold , and such Maintain , Whose Chain 's no longer than a Prince's Reign . But such Deny as cannot be Remov'd , When Iust the Cause , and by the States Approv'd . If such Exploded Tenets you Defend , I 'm no more Yours , than You the Kingdom 's Friend . Loyalty . Too Well , alas ! Grave Guide , you know the Cause , Made me Aspire and Tow'r Above the Laws : Your Frenzy Rais'd me to a Heighth too Great , From whence I Sunk to this Dejected State : Unlawfull Greatness in Contempt oft Ends , A sudden Fall too quick a Rise Attends . And when Beneath the Publick Scorn I lay , Thus left , You Steer'd your Course another way : So the Rich Churl , from all Misfortunes free , Proudly Shuns Others in Adversitie . First by your Priesthood was I made too Great , Preach'd up as the Main Prop of Church and Sate ; Enjoyn'd on all , as Monarchies best Friend , On whom the Throne and Nation 's Peace depend ; As spotless Vertue in the Church receiv'd ; Taught as sound Doctrine , and as such Believ'd . Thus did your Clergy blaze my Fame — 'T was I first Tam'd the Brutal Rage of Man ; In me alone Obedience first began . I was the Reins to which the Curb is ty'd , By which Great Men their Lesser Agents guide . The Soldier I with Noble Warmth Inspire , ( True Loyalty the Chillest Thoughts could Fire ) And turn by force of Duty , Fear into Desire . I taught the Subject , by an Inward Voice , T' Obey his King , not by Constraint , but Choice ; And wade thro' Dangers to Protect the Throne , Bent on his Prince's Safety , heedless of his Own. If you to Kings are such a Faithful Friend , As your Learn'd Clergy to their Flocks pretend , Why do they not my Exc'lent Use Proclaim , And to the World define me what I am ? To some known Rules why am I not Confin'd , Or why thus tost with ev'ry change of wind ? Tutor'd by you from Vertues School I came ; So place me , I may always be the same ; For if I 'm no where fix'd , I next to nothing am . Religion . In Times of Old , when Man forsook his God , And Pride and Envy scatter'd were abroad ; When those Iust Moralls that preserv'd our Peace , ( Ere Kings were chose ) began at first to cease , Ambition did the Heart of Man possess , Taught him t' Insult , to Conquer , and Oppress ; And magnifie Himself , by making Others Less . The World encreas'd , worse Quarrells still began ; No Beasts such Enemies as Man to Man : Small were their Comforts , great was their Di●●ress , Like Fish the Mighter pray'd upon the Less . These Cruel Ills and sad Disorders brought Desire of Kings into the People's Thought , That by his prudent Rule might be Appeas'd Those dire Confusions , which Themselves had Rais'd . To Laws most fit they both Subscrib'd Consent , To preserve Iustice , and Abuse prevent ; And on this Basis built their Regal Government , Thus did the Suff'rings of V●polish'd Man , Make the Wild Heard for Kingly-Pow'r complain , From their own Ills they might prote●ted be , And dread no more each others Enmity ; Thus chang'd for Humane Safety Savage Liberty . With glad Submission , they the Laws Obey'd , The Laws their Ruler and Themselves had made ; Then Prince and Priest in Friendly Vnion joyn'd ; The Crowd with Ioy some Native Rights resign'd . By crafty Dreams , and Inspiration led , What 's first their Choice , was then their Duty made ; The Lord Commands you now to bow your Stubborn Head. Then was that Bond call'd Loyalty contriv'd ; From hence your Ancient Pedigree's deriv'd . At first the People did on Terms agree , Protect Vs , we 'll Your Faithful Subjects be ; But if you , like the Crane , exert your Power , Make us your Slaves , and us poor Frogs Devour ; The King 's Dissolv'd , when you our Lives Betray , And we are bound no longer to Obey . If he Destroys those Rights he should preserve , Subjects may Iustly from their Duty swerve . If he 's a Tyrant , Faithless , and Vnjust , He Forfeits , when he Falsifies his Trust. All Obligations , on the Peoples side , Are , by his breach of Covenant , made void . When led by Vice , he ceases to maintain Iustice , the Law of Heaven has made it plain , He has no longer any Right to Reign . Then what is Loyalty , that hide-bound thing , That does to Misery all such Bigots bring ; Who , when the Pow'r is lost , pursue the Name of King. So the fond Cur , when his kind Master Dies , Pines o'er the Grave , where his dead Sov'reign Lies , Expecting ev'ry Moment he again will Rise . Into like Errours you your Friends betray , And lead them as a Will i' th' Wisp astray , To wander in great Danger , from the beaten Way . You ought to bind the Subject to the Throne , With due respect to Him , who iustly Rules thereon . If you direct t'wards Persons , wrong 's your Aim , For they may Change , But still the Pow'rs the same , Which is from Heav'n deriv'd ; and Pow'r alone , Confirms the Right of him that Guides the Throne : And when that Pow'r , by want of Conduct's lost , The King 's Dissolv'd that can't Maintain his Post. Thus if the the Prince beyond the Laws has Err'd , Subjects Allegiance may be then Transfer'd , To that Great Mind whose Wise Capacious Soul , Hath rais'd him to be next most fit to Rule . Or if thro' Weakness , or Imprudence grown Too Tame , to do the Iustice of the Throne , How can the People rest on his Protection ? Then who so e'er intrudes with Greater Might , And shall divest him of his Sov'reign Right , If to his Government the Land agree , By greater Pow'r has greater Right than he : If so than you are False , and should Comply , With him that bears the Soveraignity . And Teach your Misled Followers to bring , Obedient Hearts , as the best Offering ; Not to the Person only , but the Pow'r of king . Loyalty . From my old Friend , what Doctrine do I hear ; In what strange Monstrous Shapes do you appear ? In a few Years how you have chang'd your Text ; And show'd your self too Fickle to be Fix't : The Ancient Purity you once might Boast , In Int'rest , Pride , and Flatt'ry now is Lost. And all your Glories , which appear'd so bright And Dazling , Shone by Faith and Reasons Light , Look Dim , as if Eclips'd by Sinful Pleasures Night . When Priests were nearer much to Heav'n Allied , And Grace and Truth their Doctrines Beautified ; Teaching in gross , with Pains , the Peoples Good ; And they the same with Innocence pursu'd : Then was I Great , in each Goods Mans Esteem ; And only then Shin'd Bright the Diadem . When Kings , as Gods Vicegerents , were Allow'd , Not Chosen , by the Blind and Partial Crowd ; But held too Sacred to be Bound in Bands , Or be Defil'd by th' Multitudes Rude Hands . But by a Right Divine the Scepter Swai'd , And all thus Taught , the God-like Man Obey'd . Then Led by Grace , your Sable Tribe were bent , To lengthen out the Reins of Government . Passive Obedience was the Prophets Dream ; And Non Resistance was the Preachers Theme . Into these Yoakes the People you Betray'd , Till Gall'd them with the Rig'rous Chains you made . Who but your selves Advanc'd this Airy Thought , Call'd Duty Then , tho' Now as Slav'ry Taught . Thus what you once Upheld , you now Crush down , To Faiths Contempt , and Scandal to the Gown : If they are Useful Truths , which once you Teach , Why not continue still the same to Preach ? And if false Principles , why then Maintain , What now you hold so Dangerously Vain ? T' Assert what 's False , or Truth Condemn's a Crime , For Each are still the same at every Time : Be 't Right , or Wrong , you still incur a Blame ; Yours was the Errour , and to You the Shame . No Various Constitutions can excuse , Such Shists and Turns your Unfix'd Clergy use , To Heav'ns Dishonour , and the Worlds Abuse . If they , like Shuttle-cocks , Fly too and fro , How shall Mankind their Faith or Duty Know ? If the True Light must Kindle and Expire , As th' Int'rest of the Prince , or Priest require , Who then would Rashly with the Church Believe , Or Pin his Faith upon the Prophets Sleeve ? Religion sure the Wise would lay aside , And choose Dim Reason as the Surer Guide . Since fatal Turns and Changes now Devide Those happy Links , in which we once were ty'd ; And we in Sov'reign Pow'r thus disagree , Thro' our old Christial Law I 'll let you see , What you once Taught , and I now hold a King to be . In Chearful Straines these Joyful Truths I Sing , Sacred's the Royal Person of the King , By th' Laws allow'd to be alone Supreme ; And holds of his Own Right the Diadem . A Monarch , and Subordinate to none , Accountable on Earth , to God alone , Immovably United to the Throne . As Heav'n it self , whose only Law is Will , Head of all Pow'r can therefore do no Ill. So Kings , in their own Kingdoms , are the same , Can do no Wrong , and so Incur no Blame . Judges and Counsellors being chosen free , T' Advise , Determine , and if Faults their be , Thay skreen the Prince from all Rebellious Calumny . The Laws , by the Three States in Union made , ( Joyn'd , or apart , the Sov'reign's still the Head ) Have rendred Plainly , and beyond Dispute , The Throne from all Coercion Absolute . The Laws Divine , with Humane Laws accord , For , Touch not my Anointed , says the Lord , Which proves that whatsoever Princes do , It 's still the Subjects Duty to be True ; And Render unto Caesar what 's his Due . These Pious Doctrines Long did you Maintain ; These Truths first bred me in the Heart of Man : Then was I Doted on by ev'ry Priest , Tho'now become each Cocks-comb common Jest : Over Smooth Tongues , from Pulpit did I Glide , And in each Subjects Mind Triumphant Ride , Became the Christians Duty , and the States-mans Pride . The Soldiers Honour , and the Clergies Fame , The Kingdoms Safety , and the Rebells Shame , The Lawyers Argument , the Poet's Theme , The Young Mans Glory , and the Old Mans Dream , The Prince's Pleasure , and the Peoples Joy , God Save the King , the Pray'r of ev'ry Boy . These Epethites your Clergy once could give ; And Preach'd , and Pray'd I might for ever Live. Approv'd me as a Virtue fit to Reign , And bear Dominion in the Hearts of Men. But that Church Wind that Aided in my flight , And rais'd me up to such a Tott'ring hight , By Saints strong Bellows , from the Pulpit-blown , Be'ng turn'd against me , brought me tumbling down : Where Buri'd in Contempt , my Fate I Mourn , Till Rais'd again , to serve some Holy Turn . So the Lame Patient , when he 's eas'd of Pain , Slights his old Wounds , and does the Salve disdain , But when it Smarts , is glad to use the like again . FINIS . 
A67514	----	The poet's ramble after riches, or, A nights transactions upon the road burlesqu'd; with reflections on a dissenting corporation: together with the authors lamentation, in the time of adversity. Licensed and enter'd according to order. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1691 Approx. 25 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 15 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67514 Wing W748 ESTC R219390 99830868 99830868 35329 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67514) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 35329) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1879:08) The poet's ramble after riches, or, A nights transactions upon the road burlesqu'd; with reflections on a dissenting corporation: together with the authors lamentation, in the time of adversity. Licensed and enter'd according to order. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 24 p. printed by J. Millet, at the Angel in Little-Brittain, London : MDCXCI. [1691] Attributed by Wing to Edward Ward. In verse. Reproduction of the original in the British Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng English poetry -- Early modern, 1500-1700. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-04 Mona Logarbo Sampled and proofread 2003-04 Mona Logarbo Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE Poet's Ramble AFTER RICHES , OR , A Nights Transactions Upon the ROAD BURLESQU'D ; With Reflections on a Dissenting Corporation : TOGETHER , With the Authors Lamentation , in the time of Adversity . Licensed and Enter'd according to Order . LONDON , Printed by I. Millet , at the Angel in Little-Brittain , MDCXCI . THE POET's Ramble AFTER RICHES , &c. I SING of neither Hogan Mogan , Of Ancient Greek , or Trusty Trojan ; Or is my Muse dispos'd to Babble Of some strange Antiquated Fable , In blust'ring Strains to Boast , or Brag on , How George for England slew the Dragon ; Or do I Sing , in flat'ring Phrases , Fair Helen , or Queen Dido's Praises ; Or in a Whining Cant discover The Fate of some poor slighted Lover , Who Raves and Sighs , Laments and Wanders , And on disdainful Phillis Ponders . I Treat you with a merry Tale , Spun o'er a Cup of Nappy Ale ; For Custom 's sake excuse Preamble , I 'll Sing you o'er a Country Ramble ; Where l , in doleful Cogitation , Have view'd , with mighty Admiration , The Circled Earth , and Misty Sky , Where Fairies Dance , and Witches fly ; And oft have heard the Country Wenches Complain of Hags , and Fairy Pinches : And Ralph , with Hands o'er flaming * Cow-Turd Turn Tales and Stories inside outward ; Where Dames , whose pritty Eyes would pierce ye , Will turn up Tales for God have Mercy , And think no greater Obligation , Than the sweet Tye of Copulation : But lest l tire your kind Complaisance , By thus Haranging on your Patience , No more bye-Crochets will I scatter , But come with speed unto the Matter . In an Age blest with no great Plenty , When Wit and Money both grew Scanty , I then , with quiet mind possessing The Poets ancient Thread-bare Blessing , Lodg'd in a Place , I must declare it , I think , for Neatness , call'd a Garret ; Where , as I pensively lay thinking , One Morning , after Nights hard Drinking ; Up comes a Man with Hasty Look , And opens me his Pocket-Book ; At that my Heart began to fail me , I thought of nought but who should Bail me ▪ Good Sir , says he , I 'm come to tell you , Of an Estate of late befell you ; Your Grand-mother is , Sir , Departed ; Pleas'd with the News , then up I started : And is my Granny Dead ? quoth I ; He answer'd me , Yea , verily ; Thou may'st believe me without Swearing , She is as dead as any Herring : Well , if the News be true , said I , Excuse me that I do not Cry , Since 't is appointed all must Dye ; For Grief , you know , will neither save , Or call Relations from the Grave . I lugg'd on Hose , and fell to dressing , Few Tears let fall , small Grief expressing ; From thence we'djourned to the Ale-House , Where Credit seldom us'd to fail us , And there I made the Bumpkin Fuddle , Till Muddy Ale had seiz'd his Noddle , And then was forc'd to call two Porters , To lead the Lubber to his Quarters , My Landlord , as I pass'd the Bar , Gry'd out , Who pays the Reckoning here ? Said I , pray take it not amiss , Remember I must pay you this : Said he , pray , to prevent mistakes , Will you remember what this makes ; Landlord , let no Ill Thoughts be harbour'd , I 'll soon be rubb'd from off your Bar-board ; I 'll pay you in a little time ; I doubt , says he , 't will be in Rhime , For whatsoe ' re we Trust a Poet , Our Bar for seven years may show it ; And then if Dunn'd , all that they say to 't , Poh , that Debt's Cancell'd by the Statute . From thence I went to th' City Crest , In Pasty-Nook , to hire a Beast , Where one I got on Reputation , To prevent tedious Ambulation ; Girt with a Sword , which in old Wars , Made many Bloody Wounds and Scars , Whose Blade was so experiencive , Of 't self it knew to be defensive : A pair of Boots then on I Garters , The Owner said had been King Arthurs , With Spurs , whose inlaid Gallantry Were Types of great Antiquity : Thus mounted I my Noble Steed , In this brave order to proceed ; But by the way , my Muse intent is , To Sing my Horse's Excellencies ; A short Encomium on his Paces , With all his Comely Looks and Graces . Don Quixot's Steed ne'er mov'd so nimble , When he advanc'd against the Windmill ; And as for Shape , mine far surpasses The Courser of Sir Hugh de Brasses ; He was , if I am not mistaken , As fat as any Hock of Bacon ; He 'd all his Ribs , I 'll boldly Swear on 't , I told them , they were so apparent ; No Curb he needed , whose will ride him , Instead of that , a Thread would guide him ; For thus much in his Praise I 'll say , I never knew him run away ; Three Legs he 'd Gallop , like a Racer , But still the fourth would be a Pacer ; Yet when he Pac'd , as sure as could be , That self same Leg a Trotter would be ; What Pace so e'er he 'd into enter , One Foot would still be a Dissenter , Which makes me apt to think , Plague Rot him , Some Presbyterian's Cart-Horse got him ; With Whip and Spur ▪ he might be beat up Into a Canterbury Tit-up ; But then on 's Knees , he was so humble , Each other step would be a Stumble ; Then would I Spur , Whip , Curse , and Mumble , And he , poor Jade , so Groan and Grumble , That 't would have made you laugh t o've seen us , Such work sometimes there was between us : He ne'er would Sweat , or Tired be , Confound him , but he Tired me ; Hail , Rain , or Shine , he 'd in all Weather , Trot , Stumble , Gallop , altogether ; So fierce he 'd look , when he was Prancing , With Pendant Ears , and Tail advancing , And through both thick and thin would trudge it , As fast as Ass with Tinkers Budget ; He 'd rarely serve some Country Parson , To clap his Laziness's Arse on ; Or truly to exchange my Notion , He 'd finely fit a Spaniard's Motion ; For Whip and Spur at any rate , Will never make him change his Gate : Poor Poet ne'er was mounted thus Sure , on so Damn'd a Pegasus . And Madam Fortune , she to double , Like an Old Purblind Bitch , my Trouble , And that my Case might be amended , My little Coin was all expended : Thus on I Travell'd , Hey Ie ▪ Dobbin , Exempted from the fear of Robbing , Till it grew late , and to be short , Sir , I forced was to take up Quarter , Where I put up my Steed in Stable , Who scarce to crawl to th' Rack was able : Then , to look Big , I Cockt my Caster , And bid the Hostler call his Master , Who when he came , cry'd Wellcome , Sir , You 're wellcome into Leicester ; Here , Jack , Tom , Harry , Will , who 's there ? Pray set the Gentleman a Chair : What News , I pray , Good Sir , from London ? Then I reply'd , King I — s was undone ; For that our Royal , Brave King William , He did so hack , so hew , and kill * 'em , That lest he soon was reconcil'd , He 'd slay them every Mothers Child ; And that some Troops , near Inneskillen , Had drown'd themselves for fear of killing ; Nay , and King Iames , by his Men forsaken , But that they mist him , had been taken : My Host reply'd , Marry , Good speed , This is rare , dainty News indeed ! Here , Thomas , take four Cans and fill'em , Ifac , well drink thy Health , Brave William ; And if , good Sir , you will permit me , I with a Can or two will Treat ye : I thankt him — Then , undaunted as a Trooper , I askt him what he had for Supper ? He answer'd me rare Duck , or Chicken , Or Ribs of Beef , where was fine picking , As sweet and good as Knife could stick in . In then he call'd his pretty Daughter , In truth , which made my Chops to water ; That I should scarce have made a scruple T o've lent her Buttons to her Loop-hole : When she came in to show her breeding , She dropt a Cout'sie most exceeding ; I'rose and kist her , as I shou'd do , And gave her earnest what I wou'd do ; With fine white Hands laid cross her Belly , She lookt so tempting , let me tell ye ; Her Lips so melting soft and tender , They did so sweet a Kiss surrender ; That Pego , like an upstart Hector , Finding how much I did affect her , Would fain have Rul'd as Lord Protector : Inflam'd by one so like a Goddess , I scarce could keep him in my Codpiece . By this time she had brought up Supper , Then at the Tables end that 's upper , My Landlord set his Brawny Crupper ; With Eyes t'wards Heaven devoutly cast , As if it were to be his Last ; He said a Grace , as I Conjecture , As long as any Evening Lecture : His next Oration being then , Fall on , you 're Wellcome Gentlemen ; Which he had spoke , but I no sooner Fell on as fierce as a Dragooner : I Cut and Slasht , and Carbonado'd ; The Meat being cold , had some grilliado'd : We sat not long upon our Haunches , E'er we had all well stuft our Paunches ; Hiding with 's Hat an ugly Face , My Landlord then said After Grace ; And so in order to be Drunk , We each Man call'd for Pipe of Funk ; Then Nasty Cans well lin'd with Rozen , Were call'd for in by the whole dozen . An Alderman both Grave and Wise , Did from his Elboe-Chair arise ; Plucks off his Hat from his bald Noddle , And thust ' wards me begins his Fuddle : Here , Honest Master , here 's to to thee , To England's Church Prosperity : Then up starts one , and Swears aloud , For England's Church he 'd lose his Blood , And he 's a Rogue , and he 'd maintain it , That dares to speak a word again it . The following Point we chanc'd to pitch on , Being half Drunk , it was Religion : Then one begins in a great Rapture , And goes a Gleaning through the Scripture , Divinely for to prove it true , That Balaam and his Ass were two ; At which , then I clapt in a word , And Swore by G — d he made the Third ; Then up starts he in mighty Anger , And Swore , but that I was a Stranger , Or else he further would Contend on 't , Then bit his Nails , and there 's an end on 't , Another he breathes forth a Hick-up , And gravely then begins to speak up , That he 'd before the World maintain , Eve Dam'd her self with a Paremane ; I told him , No , 't was a Boon-Critting , The Lord preserv'd for his own Eating ; At which he skip'd , to make Evasions , From Genesis to th' Revelations ; At last , to th' Clouds his Fancy tost him , Like Doctor Sh — y , there we lost him . A Third , who being more Sedate , That seem'd not much to care to Prate , Would now and then , by chance , refine us Some Godly Phrase from Tom Aquinus , Or else would tell us some strange Story Of our Old Father St. Gregory . My Landlord , who had long sat silent , At this poor Saint grew very Violent , Saying , if he wa'n't much mistaken , He was a Saint of Rome's own making , And then rail'd furiously on Against the Whore of Babylon , Telling us many dreadful Stories Of Massacres , and Purgatories ; And how their bloody Priests would Broil us , Stew , Frigasie , nay , Bake and Boil us ; And were so exquisite in Evil , In Wicked Snares they 'd trap the Devil : Then one whose Argumental Fire , Spoke him some Iesuit or Fryer , Huffs , Puffs , and Sweats , looks Big , and blusters , Speaking great Words to m' Host by Clusters , And Stagg ' ring Swore , his Brains being mellow , St. Greg'ry was an Honest Fellow ; And as for Baking , Boiling , Frying , He Swore , by Iove , 't was all Damn'd Lying ; Saying , to th' Pope a Pow'r was given , With 's Bulls , to toss a Man to Heaven . Then one who 's Church-Clark in the Town , At that same word began to Frown , And takes him smartly up , and short , Which , truly , made us pleasant Sport : Says he , I 'll hold you , Sir , a Shilling , I 'll prove the Pope to be a Villain ; With that such Noise we had a while , Loud as the Cataracts of Nile ; Each strain'd his Lungs , to keep on prating , No sweeter Musick at Bear-beating ; Noise through the whole Soci'ty went , For th' better part of Argument ; He that bawl'd loudest , we all cry'd , Had the most Reason on his side : The one he makes a loud Oration , Thumping the Table'n Vindication Of the Pope's Power of Dispensation ; At which the Psalmist grew so angry , He Roar'd like one perplext with Strangry ; At last being rais'd , by Indignation , To th' highest pitch of Disputation , Each Learned Point , to tell you truly , Ended in , You Lye , Sir , and you Lye : Now , fir'd with heat of Argument , The Disputants to Boxing went , That Blows might give Determination To their deep Point in Disputation ; Thus to 't they fell , and bang'd each other , Amidst the Spittle , Spew , and Smother ; The Pipes and Noggins flew about , And Candles soon were all put out , Whilst I at distance stole away , Not caring for the heat o' th' Fray , Yet stood where I could see Fair Play ; For Poets , tho's they oft , by Writing , Breed Quarrels , seldom care for Fighting : Both spur'd with Honour in Bravado , Each bravely stood the Bastinado ; One Scratch'd and Claw'd , like any Ferret , Last t'other lent him such a wherret , Who being astonisht at the Cuff , Cry'd out , O Lord , I have enough : The mighty Conquerour then sat down With torn Cloaths , and broken Crow ; His Victim from the Ground arose , First blow'd , and then he whip'd his Nose , Which truly much reviv'd the Noddy , To find 't was Snotty , more than Bloody : The Clark , who stood in Vindication Of England's People , Church and Natiou , With painfull threshing , let us see How he could mawl down Popery : Now when the hot Dispute was ended , And the Clerks Courage much Commended , To make the Champions both amends , We all agreed they should be Friends , Provided they would both be willing , On that account , to spend their Shilling ; They answer'd , Yea , if it were Ten , And so shook hands like Honest Men. The Tapster we began to call on , To bring the Jug that holds a Gallon : But who stept in from out the Gate-way , But our Caesar's , * Cleopatra , Who entering in a mighty Passion , Gave her Great Lord this Salutation : You Rogue , you Rascal , are you not A silly , sorry , sap-head Sot , Thus to sit hugging of a Pot , And let your poor young Infants mutter At home for want of Bread and Butter ; You 'll find , you Sot , this loving Ale , At last will bring you to a Goal : Be Judge your self , would it not vex one , To see how handsomely the Sexton Maintains his Wife and Family , In all her Silks and Bravery ? Whilst I , it s well known , since my Marriage , Have wanted Bread to crumb my Porridge , And you that are the Clark o' th' Parish , In Pots of Ale to be so Lavish ; I will appeal , is 't not a hard thing , That none will Trust us for a Farthing ? Nay , don't you grin , and thus perplex me , I vow to God , if once you vex me , You know I shall not be afraid To fling the Flaggon at your Head : You 're a fit Man to say Gods Word , You say Amen , you say a Turd : These Practices you know are evil ; You Clark to th' Church , you Clark to th' Devil ; Rise and come Home , or , by my Soul , I 'll crack your Noddle with the Bowl . The Noddy fear'd to disobey , Arose , took leave , and went his way ; The rest , as well as he , God wot , Pay'ng Homage to the Petticoat ; Fearing their Wives , in Indignation , Should blow up our Association ; With Sparkling Eyes , and Flaming Noses , They all Reell'd home to their dear Spouses , Leaving my Host and I to prate Of some Affairs concerning State : I told him 't was not to be doubted , But that the French would soon be Routed ; And that the Prince of Wales for certain , Was a meer Flam , a Sham , a Perkin : By this time we were got so Fuddled , That both our Brains in truth were addled ; Thus , like true Sots , we neither started Till Drunk , and then to Bed departed . Reflections on a Dissenting Corporation . THE Town it is a Corporation , Where Women all have Toleration For Universal Copulation . Of what Degree so e'er , or Function , The Females never want Conjunction , Or that blest Ointment , Humane Unction . Adultery , and Fornication Are Licens'd through the Corporation , As proper Means for Generation . Cuckolds and Misers here are plenty , Many Mechannicks , and few Gentry , Whose Bags are full , as Skulls are empty . Honest Men pretious are as Rubies , Their Mayors Successively are Boobies , And Aldermen great Brawny Loobies . The Top o' th' Town are Petty-Foggers , The Mean are Mercers and Corn-Jobbers , The Lowest Common Whores and Robbers . Their Justices , to speak the best on , Are Country ' Squires , the People rest on ; But Fools enough , you need not question . As for Religions , there are many Profest , but few that practice any ; They'd deny God to gain a Penny. The Puny sort are kind of Franticks , Who Pray and Prate on Stools , like Anticks , Follow'd by Spiritual Pedanticks . They Cackle Doctrine by the Spirit , Who Lye , and say they shall Inherit A Heavenly Kingdom , by the Spirit . Yea and Nay 's their Communication , Swearing they hold's Abomination , But Whoring , as a small Transgre●sion . For all their Canting , Pious Prating , And Godly Humming at their Meeting ; Yet , Lawyer like , they live by Cheating . The Rest are Presbyter-Dissenters , These are the Herd the Devil enters ; They are all Sinners , no Repenters . This is the Godly Tribe we read of , Who Cut the Royal Martyr's Head off ; These are the Rogues the Devil has need of . So fixt , their Principles ne'er alter , So Honest , each deserves a Halter , So Learned , scarce one can Read his Psalter . ' IT is true , the Pastors of the Zealous , Such Doctrines will in Tub reveal us , You 'd think 't was Magick from Cornelius . At such deeping Notions they 'll be reaching , That all the tedious hours they 're Teaching , You 'd think them Conjuring , not Preaching . Their Lawyers , by Gods great Mercy , Enough of Lattin can Rehearse ye , To fill up Nov'rint Vniversi . To give more ample Definition Of these , the Wedges of Sedition , We 'll do 't by way of Supposition . They th' Benefit of th' Clergy needing , I doubt , but few , for all their pleading , Could save their Necks by their right Reading . The Top of these the Town Relies on ; I dare not say but he 's a Wise Man , And Honest as their Fat Excise Man. What if they all were Fools , what then ? They may be Wiser , God knows when , But Cuckolds still ; Wives say Amen . The Authors Lamentation in time of Adversity . A Shirt I have on , Little better than none , In Colour much like to a Cinder ; So Thin and so Fine , It is my design To present it the Muses for Tinder . My black Fustian Breeches , So fal'n in the Stitches , You might see what my Legs had between 'em ; My Pockets all four , I 'm a Son of a Whore , If a Devil a Penny is in ' em . A Hat I have on , Which so Greezy is grown , It remarkable is for its shining ▪ One side is stitcht up , ' Stead of Button and Loop , But the Devil a bit of a Lining . I have a long Sword , You may take 't of my word , That the Blade is a Tolledo Trusty ; The Handle is bound , With a black Ribbon round , And the Basket Hilt damnable Rusty . My Coat it is turn'd , With the Lappets piss-burn'd , So out at the Arm-pits and Elboes , That I look as absurd , As a Seaman on Board , That has lain half a Year in the Bilboes . I have Stockins , 't is true , But the Devil a Shoe , I am forc'd to wear Boots all Weathers ; Till I lost my Spur-Rowls , And damn'd my Boot Souls , And Confounded the Upper Leathers . My Beard is grown long , As Hogs Bristles , and strong , Which the Wenches so woundily stare at ; The Colour is Whey , Mixt with Orange and Grey , With a little small spice of the Carrat . As true as I live , I have but one Sleeve , Which I wear in the Room of a Cravat ; In this plight I wait , To get an Estate , But the Devil knows when I shall have it . O had you but seen The sad State I was in , You 'd not find such a Poet in Twenty ; I had nothing that 's full , But my Shirt and my Skull , For my Guts and my Pockets were empty . FINIS . Notes, typically marginal, from the original text Notes for div A67514-e130 * They burn Cow-turd for Fuel . * The King was just gone to Ireland . * Wife to the Clerk , who had so manfuly thrasht the Papist . 
A67516	----	The rambling rakes, or, London libertines by the author of The Step to the bath. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1700 Approx. 45 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 8 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67516 Wing W751 ESTC R8696 12381547 ocm 12381547 60781 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67516) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 60781) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 904:44) The rambling rakes, or, London libertines by the author of The Step to the bath. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 15 p. Printed and sold by J. How ..., London : 1700. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Attributed to Edward Ward. cf. BM. Advertisement: p. [2] Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Libertinism -- England -- London -- Early works to 1800. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-04 John Latta Sampled and proofread 2003-04 John Latta Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE Rambling Rakes : OR , London Libertines . By the Author of The STEP to the BATH . London Printed and Sold by I. How , in the Ram-Head Inn-Yard , in Fanchurch-street , 1700. Books Printed and Sold by J. How , in the Ram-Head-Inn-Yard in Fenchurch-Street ; and by M. Fabian , at Mercers-Chappel . 1. SOt's Paradise : Of the Humours of a Derby-Ale-House : With a Satyr upon the Ale. Price Six Pence . 2. A Trip to Iamaica : With a True Character of the People and Island . Price-Six Pence . 3. Ecclesia & Factio . A Dialogue between Bow-Steeple-Dragon , and the Exchange-Grashoper . Price-Six pence . 4. The Poet 's Ramble after Riches . With Reflections upon a Country Corporation . Also the Author's Lamentation in the time of Adversity . Price Six pence . 5. A Trip to New-England . With a Character of the Country and People , both English and Indians . Price Six pence . 6. Modern Religion , & Ancient Loyalty : A Dialogue . Price Six Pence . 7. The World Bewitch'd . A Dialogue between two Astrologers and the Author . With Infallible Predictions of what will happen from the Vices and Villanies Practis'd in Court , City , and Country . Price Six pence . 8. A Walk to Islington : With a Description of New Tunbridge-Wells , and Sadler's Musick-House . Price Six pence . 9. The Humours of a Coffee-House : A Comedy . Price Six Pence . 10. A Frolick to Horn-Fair . With a Walk from Cuckold's-Point thro' Deptford and Greenwich . Price Six pence . 11. The Dancing-School . With the Adventures of the Easter-Holy-Days . Price Six pence . 12. The First Volume of the LONDON-SPY : In Twelve Parts . 13. The Second Volume of the LONDON-SPY : In Six Parts . Price Six Pence each ; or they may be had both Volumes Bound together ; and also Bound with the rest of the Authors Writings . 14. The Metamorphos'd Beau , &c. Price Six pence . 15. The English Nun : Or , a Comical Description of a Nunnery . With the Lives and Intrigues of the Priests and Nuns Price Six Pence . 16. Laugh and be Fat : Or , an Antidote against Melancholy . Containing great variety of Comical Intrigues in Town and Country . To which is added Nine Delightful Tales . Price One Shilling . 17. A Step to the Bath : With a Character of the Place . Price Six Pence . 18. Labour in Vain : Or , what Signifies Little or Nothing , viz. I. The Poor Mans Petition at Court. II. Expectation of Benefit from a Covetous Man in his Life-time . III. The Marriage of an Old Man to a Young Woman . IV. Endeavours to Regulate Mens Manners by Preaching or Writing . V. Being a Iacobite . VI. Confining an Insolvent Debtor . VII . Promise of Secrecy in a Conspiracy . VIII . An Enquiry after a Place . 19. The Reformer . Exposing the Vices of the Age : In several Characters . viz. 1. The Vitious Courtier . 2. The Debauch'd Parson . 3. The Factious Hypocrite . 4. The Precise Quaker . 5. The Covetous Miser . 6. The Prodigal Son. 7. The City Letcher . 8. The Insatiate Wife . 9. The Amorous Maid . 10. The Beau Apprentice . 11. The City Mob . 12. The Country Squire . THE Rambling Rakes , &c. BEING something Indispos'd by a late Debauch , which confin'd me to my Bed some hours extraordinary ; during of which , I was as Squeamish as a New Married Woman , and lap'd more Mutton-Broth , than a Country-Dame in the Straw does Oatmeal-Caudle : About Three in the Afternoon I was sent for by a Friend , who had been doing the same Pennance , to Vulcan's Coffee-House in Stocks Market , once Fam'd for the Athenian Conclave , but now for the Grave Cabal of Colleterian Factors , and Renown'd Herb-women ; where we heard several pleasant Tongue-Combats . The first was between two Feminine Pull-Guts , concerning Priority ; for the Grey Mare was now the better Horse , notwithstanding her Husband had formerly been a Domestick to the others . They had both been taking a Cup of the Creature , and being at the Head of the Fountain , was the bolder with the Liquor ; but the noble Juice of the Grape so Exhillerated their Ten-penny Craniums , that their Noisie Nonsence far exceeded the Cataracts of Nile ; and with eagerness of Loquacity foam'd at the Mouth like a Dray-Horse . No sooner was this Fray ended , but C — the Circuli Tap-Lash , fell a Railing at the Parvous Fishmonger , for reporting he had made an Inspection into his Daughters Quarters , of which he gave a very nice Description ; and Demonstrated the Signes of a Mole to a Miracle . For which Stripp-Eel was Arrested , but prov'd it to be matter of Fact , before the Gigantick Figures at Guild-Hall ; whereupon poor Miss's Nunquam Satis became the subject of the Neighbourhoods Discourse . But the dull Mahometan Infusion not agreeing with our Maukish Pallats , we deposited our Pence , and cros'd to the East-side of the Market , to the Remains of a Tragematopola , or , to speak more properly , the Inconditus Grocer , Retailer of Nants , and an Uncouth , Sempstress , next door to the Sign of Aquila , to try the effects of a Golden Cordial ; where we found our Formal Hostess extraordinary Studious in consulting Aristotle's Master-Piece for the choice of a good Penis : She hath more Stitch'd Volumes in her Library , than e'er her Mother had Cherry-Sieves in her Stall . She 's Mamma's own Babe , an Eternal Tatler , and very Precise in her Discourse ; makes a pretty diminutive Figure in her Sundays Attire , which consists of at least Thirty Remnants , and hath more variety of Colours than the Rainbow . 'T is to be suppos'd she was Begot in the Dogg-Days , and that her Mother Engendr'd before she had cleans'd her Hands from the Scorbutick Filth of Green Wall-Nuts ; for she hath such a swarthy Tincture , that she hath often been tender'd the Paw , and taken for a Gipsy . Her Education is chiefly owing to her Mothers late Seminary , which was Billingsgate , and are both well vers'd in its Lingua . From thence we adjourn'd to the Sacerdotal-Cap , fronting Marble Majesty , with the Head of Rebellion under the Heels of his Prancer , where good Wine is no Novelty , which prov'd the best Cordial , reviv'd the puking Spirits and inspir'd us with fresh Vigour . To spend the Remaining part of the Evening , we agreed to go see a Play , and order'd Trip-stairs to see what was Acted . Gentlemen , say'd he , That requires at least an Hours time ; for there is lately Publish'd an Edict , that no Play-Bills shall be stuck up in the City Liberties , by reason they often tended to the Corruption of Youth . Bless me ! Cry'd my Friend , I am surpriz'd to hear that any should Abdicate Play-Bills , from the City-Gates , yet suffer the Church-doors to be Plaister'd over with Pocky ones , and their Walls Adorn'd with Piss-tubs . I am apter to believe , said I , 't is rather in Opposition to the Corruption of their Wives , and if possible to cut off their Communication with Quality , with whom they are generally Affected ; and the tempting Loll in a Coach and Six , hath prov'd more prevalent than the Holy Cross : And 't is a strong Argument , that too many have more Respect for a Pissing-Corner , than the Gates of the Sacred Temple . Discoursing of which , occasion'd us to call for the other Quart , so that we out-stay'd our Time ; and being too late for a Play , stroul'd to the Lunaticks Mansion in Morefields ( a Place famous for Assignations ) to pick up a Confiding Female ; but meeting with a Disappointment , we return'd to the Stocks-Market , where was variety of Company , devouring the product of Dame Natures Liberality . At one stall was a young Beau Clerk , wrapt in a Scotch-pledd , with a Pen stuck as stiff in his Hair as a Skure in the Flap of a Shoulder of Mutton , Treating his Masters Chambermaid with Strawberries , but as watchful as Argos ; and his Head as full of Motion as a Weavers-Shuttle , in watching his Masters Door , and Admiring Mrs. B — s Fiz , which plainly discover'd she bore no Antipathy against Chalk and Oat-meal . Hard by him was another of his Brothers of the Desk , and the round Shoulder'd Son of a Potter , Eating of Cherry's for the Plate , attended by more Spectators than the late Monstrous Fish at Black-wall . At another Stall was a leash of Virgins , the Daughters of a Horse-fac'd Midwife , near that remarkable piece of Antiquity known by the Name of London-stone , darting their Amorous Glances , to as little purpose as Washing an AEthiopian , and had no more influence , than a Poor-Mans Petition on a Courtier ; they are of a Masculine Hue , full Ag'd , and constant Lecturers , but as little esteem'd as Malt-Tickets ; Their Father , without doubt was a Hero , and had as bold an Appetite as he that first encounter'd an Oyster ; The Mother out-rival'd the late Hermaphrodite in More-fields for Features . At the Corner Stall was a young Upstart Money Merchant , buying Apricocks by the Dozen , with an Old Porter at his Heells bare Headed ; at which my Friend was mightily concern'd , to see one of Fortunes Fools , so idoliz'd by Age , and reverend Gray-hairs ; but another . Gentleman taking Notice of it , swore he had a mind to break his Head for having no more respect for his Fathers Profession . With that I ask'd him if he had any Acquaintance with him . He told me Yes , that his Father was a Porter , and Drummer to one of the Companies of the City-Trainbands , and 't is suppos'd he was taken on Charity by his first Master ; but he Dying , was shuffled about for some time , till at length the Sheerings of the Golden Fleece , and the Clusters of the Vine , have so Evapulated this proud Coxcomb , that his Dexterity in Cleaning of Shooes , the dandling of his Masters House-keeper , and his Honourable Title of Piping-Sam , is now Blotted from his Memory : Set a Beggar on Horse-back , he 'll ride to the Devil ; At the same Stall was Old Split-Fig , an Adjacent Grocer , and the uneven-leg'd Hosier , almost his Neighbour , joyning their Forces , for three Farthings worth of Currants ; and stood as hard for two or three Bunches over-Measure , as a Taylor for a piece of Carrot to a Two-penny Cut of Boild-Beef : The first is more Noted for a Miser , than the other is Admir'd by the Exchange Girles . He often trots to the Burrough-Market to save a penny in a Joynt ; and would sooner part with an Eye , than give a halfpenny to a poor Basket-woman . By the Antiquity of his Attire , he resembles a Spaniard ; and preserves his Ward-Robe for succeeding Generations . He is as great a stranger to the Taylors , as to common-civility . Not long since some unlucky Spark took the pains to send him the Epigram , on Diogenes's salutation to the Rich Croesus in Hell ; which for the Morality sake , I think not amiss to insert here . When the Tubb'd Cynick went to Hell , and there Found the pale Ghost of Golden Croesus bare ; He stops , and jeering till he shrugs again , Says , O thou Richest King of Kings ! What gain Have all thy Large heaps brought thee , since I spy Thee here alone , and poorer now then I ? For all I had , I with me bring ; but thou , Of all thy Wealth , hast not one Farthing now . But the greatest of our Diversion consisted in hearing of an old Basketerian , banter a young Eloquent Norwegian-Factor , whose time is but lately Expir'd ; and is now Master of a little dark Cave , ( but of less Sence ) in a Noble-street , from the Corner of which you have a fair Prospect of the Orphans-Conduit . He is of the same Opinion of the late Sir Iohn P — that every Generation grows Wiser than the former ; so by Consequence his Tallent must be very large . The Vulgar hath Corrected his Name by Adoption , to one more suitable to his Natural Parts , and Re-Baptis'd him Ben. He 's a Compleat Beau , bait but the two most Essential Parts of the Animal , that 's his Head and his Heels . But Notwithstanding his great Perfections , he has verified the Old Proverb , Fools have Fortune : But the Old Harradan being a little too Extravagant with her Clapper , was rebuk'd by his Neighbour the Friendly Tallow-Chandler : But the Old Woman gave very little Attention to his Reproof , and told him , Tho' he pretended mightily to the Spirit , 't was well known he was Fleshly given ; and his deeds was Dark , tho' by vocation he was an Author of Light , and a Confounder of Cotton . The Wine , Walk , and Fruit , Creating us an Appetite ; we quitted the Market , and hasted to the Sign of the Infallible-head , in an Alley that bears the same Title , as Noted now for Nice-Peck , as 't was formerly for an Amorous Bar-keeper : Having Anatomiz'd the Carcase of a cold Fowl , and wring'd a Lemon as hard as David Iones once did the Bankers Consciences ; We took leave of his Holiness , and went over to the obliging Relict of the late Alphabetical Cutler , who was Drinking of Burgundy Bumpers , with two or three Brawny Officers , to the commemoration of his deceas'd Honour . Having barter'd for some of her Commodity , we departed , but not without Tasting their Wine , and Saluting her Lips , which were as Clammy as Treacle , and as Red as her Neighbour , the Apocryphal Tonsor's Nose , which is Scarlet in Grain ; and of such a Spungy Nature , that it hath soak'd up more Claret than will float the Royal Soveraign . Standing at the Alleys End some short time , considering how to steer our Course ; and likewise viewing the noble Front of the Universal Correspondent Fabrick ; Lolling on each other in as lazy a posture , as a Walbrook Furrier in Iuly , or a Pater-noster-Row Mercer in December : In the Int'rim of which , outbolts a brace of Ladies , from the aforesaid Mansion , whose Airy Deportments , slow Motions , and Amorous Looks , gave us an Invitation to follow the tract ; which as soon as they perceiv'd , they put the black Pall o'er their Fizes ; and could no more forbear looking back than Lott's Wife , but gave as many backward Ogles , as the Hackney-Boarders in their Sundays progress , at the City Beau's : And fauntring after them as a Boy to School , till we had almost reach'd the Water-side , as we were just about to give them a Broad-side , and make our Addresses , as ill luck would have it , who should we meet but both our Dads , who were going to refresh their jolly Old Hearts at Heroick Guy's , near the Royal Edifice of Renown'd Gresham ; the Old Gentlemen would have perswaded us to go with them , for which we begg'd their Pardon , pleading Extraordinary haste for the payment of some Bills that Night . Whereupon they releas'd us , Commending our Dilligence , which I believe they would hardly have done , had they known our design on the Ladies , whom we resolv'd should be the Receivers . By this unexpected Accident we lost the sight of our Does ; but Conjecturing they were going either to Lambeth-Wells , or Cupid's-Garden , we hasted to the Old-Swan , presently took a pair of Oars , and by the laborious Tugg's of our Element Splitters , was soon convey'd to the Southern-Shore , near the Ancient Palace of England's head Prelate ; and ferriting about to recover our Loss , till we came to Lambeth-Wells , where I observd an Old Fornicator a Mutton-hunting , who by his sanctified Look , and Formal Carriage , one would have thought could have bid defiance to any Temptation of a Female Devil , & resisted the Lust of his own Flesh. My Friend hap'ning to know him , told me he was a Maggot-Monger by vocation , lived in Leaden-Hall-street , was formerly Excommunicated from the Church , and not long since narrowly escap'd it from the Assembly of the Faithful in Lime-street , and all for the tickling Sin of Whoring ; but on his Publick acknowledging his Crime , with a promise for a thorough Reformation for the Future , he was confirmed in the Congregation ; but he still retains his Integrity to Wenching ; and so predominant is his Flesh , that a Bull from his Holiness would no more be regarded , then the Reproof of the Elders . In the same Walk was the Widow of a late Grocer , but now the Wife of a Draper , rigg'd as fine as a Dutchess , with a Livery at her heels . Her Natural Complection is as swarthy as a Bantainer , but plaister'd o'er by Art as thick as the lid of a Goose-pye . She had a Crozier of Diamonds at her Ase — as big as a Frying Pan ; but the adjacent part has prov'd very unfruitful , having never Receiv'd the Blessing of the first Command ; and of all the Commandments , she regards the seventh the least . Under the Notion of Drinking the Waters , she carries on her Intreagues . She often boasts of being a Lady in few years ; and will bring the More-fields Star-gazer to avouch it . Among the Dancing-Crew was several whose Tails were far lighter than their Heels ; and the motion of their Buttocks so melted their Grease , that they out-sweated a Stoker to a Glass-house in Iune , or a Pye-Corner Cook during Bartholomew-Fair . The wipe with their Handcherchiefs , had so intermix'd the White and the Red , that their Faces look'd as Streaky as Marble-Paper . The Grains of their Skins by the Heat of their Body , and the Essence of Toes and Arm-pits , made such a Fumigation , that had not my Friend had a Bottle of Spirit of Harts-Horn , we had certainly fainted . There was one Lady of Pleasure , to whom Nature had been very liberal with her Endowments , as she was dancing a Jigg ( which she perform'd extraordinary well ) pulling out her Hankerchief to wipe her face , out drops a large piece of Green-Cloth , and as much Orice-root as would supply an Hospital for a Month , which dash'd her so much out of Countenance , that she departed , without making her Honours , so by consequence spoil'd her Market for that Evening . She is a true resemblance of Pandora's Box ; for she hath been in Kent-street-Lock more times than double the number of her hands and feet . The bulky mein Usher , with a white Wand in his hand , for the generality leads the Dance ; he steps as fine as a Mill-horse , has the Air of a Cow , and makes more Noise than a Captain of the Mob on the fifth of November . Seeing not our Ladies , we thought it lost time to stay any longer there , but hasted to Cupids-Garden , with as dejected a Countenance , as the Commissioners of the Land Bank on the News of Dr. Chamberlains trip to Holland ; and as big with expectation of finding them there , as his poor deluded Subscribers were of annual Estates ; but notwithstanding we were so vigilant that no mask of Petticoat ' scap'd us , we were baffled in our hopes , & our search had the same Effect as Penelope's Labour , therefore we resolv'd to strive no longer against the stream , but submit to what kind Chance should offer ; waiting for which , and walking about for an Opportunity , we took Notice of a Goggle-Ey'd Jew , of the Tribe of Mordecai , whose Habitation is not far from the Synagogue , and he particulariz'd by his black flews , Moross Speech , and Upright Gate , he mutter'd love to his Mistress , faster than their Orator pronounceth the Hebrew Law on their Sabbath , on which day , he carries no Pecunia in his Breeches , but will Whore , go to a Play , or Tavern , in the Evening , taking with him a Friend of a contrary Faith to disburse the Rino . He seem'd to be far more vigorous than a Stone-horse , and was so confounded Amorous , that we thought he would have cover'd her in our Sight . She 's the Uxorrous Dame of one of his Dependants , and as Notified for an Intreaguer at Cupids , as her Husband ▪ for one of Othello's Monsters ; she Patches to admiration , and Dresses with such a profound Air , that she 's envy'd by all her Neighbours of her own Sex near Cree-Church , and as much admir'd by the contrary . The next discovery we made , was an Intreague between a Shop-keepers Beau-Apprentice , on the Royal-Exchange , and the Wife of his Masters Bosom ; the Spark has a better Knack in pleasing the Ladies , than his Master , tho' he has been much admir'd by the Female Sex , but is so damnable Effeminate , that he has been Ridicul'd by the whole Town , and Censur'd hard for his Non-performance ; he is far Nicer than Sir Courtly in his Apparrel , and more troublesome to his Tonsor than the Scrubbado to a Sempstress ; and Garters so very Neat , that he often takes down his Glass in the Shop to admire his Legs ; he declares he could wish 't would become a Fashion for the Men as well as the Women to carry Umbrella's to Shelter them from the Weather ; and uses more Variety of Washes , than the once renown'd Bawd Madam Creswel . The Spark without doubt had made good use of his time ; and notwithstanding his Familiarity with his Mistress , he commiserated his Masters Confinement during their Absence by hasting home to shut up Shop . But finding none among all those numerous Intreaguers that resort there , tempting enough to break a Commandment with , or run the Risque of a Flap-Dragon ; After we had drank a Bottle or two of Red-streak , we departed ; resolving to go thorow-stitch in our pursuit , we boarded the Folly , a Place as worthy of it's Name , as a Thief of a Halter . Having enter'd the floating Seraglio , we were presently shew'd into Number Three ; and before we were well seated , came to us a Brace of Harlots , as lew'd as Sodomites , and as impudent as the Devil , and gave us an invitation to Dance : The Countenance of the Whores , was an Antidote against Carnality to us ; not but we were willing to be Lew'd , tho' not with such Common-Strumpets : However we bestow'd on them three or four Betys of prick'd Wine , the best the place afforded , which made their heads as light as their Tails , then dismist them to seek for fresh Company ; and presently the Noisie Instruments play'd , which was far more hideous than the ruff Musick at Ludgate , on the Conjunction of a Prisoner and his Wife , if possible ; and up starts a whole Covy of Whores , with their Cully Part'ners , placing themselves to Dance , with as much Decorum as the Cripplegate Pioneers on my Lord Mayors-day ; nay , I am confident there is hardly a Bawdy-House within the limits of the Bill of Mortality , but one of their Proselytes was there ; they will make as punctual a Bargain before they 'll go with you , as a Butcher in Smithfield-Market for Cattel ; but one of the Company , happening to spy out a Poulterian Jannisary among the Crow'd , discover'd him to the Mob , who was so enrag'd at the Catch-pole , that had he not made his Escape into a Boat , out of one of the Windowes , they had soon sent him to another Element , which is a far kinder fate than he Deserves , whose Actions are as Dark as his Name ; for there 's nothing that is Mercenary and Base , but is as Natural to him , as Milk to a Calf . Among this Chaos of Sexes , was a person of a Venerable Age , his Cloaths miserably tatter'd , and his Face as Pale and Wan , as if he had newly risen from the Dead , notwithstanding which , he still retain'd the Air and Appearance of one that seem'd to Command much Honour and Respect ; and shewing him to my Friend he knew him , and told me he is no more like the Man he was three years ago , than an Apple is like an Oyster ; he was then , said he , counted a Topping Merchant , and as noted a Capon-Eater , as belong'd to Haberdashers-Hall ; but by Misfortunes Abroad , his Lustful Inclinations , and shaking his Elbows , hath reduc'd him to what you see ; his being here now I presume is on no other Account , then to satisfie his Letchery . And no sooner had he spoke the word , but the old Fornicator had got him a Drab , and mov'd off seemingly as well pleas'd , as if he had been repossest of his former Fortunes . In the next Box to us was three Jilts , who had Drank pretty plentifully , not doubting but to light on some Cully to discharge their Reckoning , but being deceiv'd in their Expectation , and having no more Money than Honesty , they were oblig'd to leave a Pledge for it , so one left her Scarf , another her Hood , the third her Gloves , and took up three-pence in Money , for a Waterman to set them on Salisbury-Court Shore . Being now near Ten , we came from the Folly , and took Boat for the Temple , and went to the Devil to Enjoy our selves with a Glass of good Wine , after our successless Ramble ; and the Streets being Dry , and the Night light , we had a mind to Foot it home ; not in Consideration of saving Coach hire , but for the sake of Diversion , we imagin'd we should have ; but in Fleet-street overtaking an Ordinary Man , handing a young airy Lady , who made a very good Figure , we pretended some Acquaintance with her , and must needs take her from her Husband ( as we afterwards found him to be ) and Endeavoured to force her into a Tavern being something Elevated , and inamour'd with her Person ; but she crying out for Help and he getting timely assistance , she was soon Rescu'd , and we seiz'd , notwithstanding we lugg'd out our Steel , and Wounded two or three ; but the powerful stroaks of pairing Shovels , soon o'er-master'd our Swords , and the Constable took Care for a New Lodging for us that Night in the Counter ; which Occasion'd us to take Coach , which if we had done so at first , 't is possible we had lain at our Old one , But , Night , Wine , and Love , no Moderation bear ; Night knows no Shame , or Love and Wine no Fear . As soon as the Key was turn'd , the whole Family of the Rat-Castle , stock'd about us as thick as the Mob about an insnar'd Diver for Pence at the Post-office , demanding Garnish , which we presently paid , least we should be dismantl'd of our Rigging ; And being willing to be rid of our Company , we desir'd a Bed ; upon which we were conducted to a very indifferent one , for I dare be sworn the Sheets had perform'd several Voyages to the Indies under another Office , before they were converted to that use ; and for the Bed , I am Confident it had more Vermine than Flocks : But being full fraught with Wine and Vexation , at that Nights Adventure , we doz'd away the time till Morning appear'd . Then Consulting how to Manage this Misfortune , that it might not be blaz'd Abroad , or reach the Ears of our Friends ; and calling to mind a Splitter of Causes , who was a particular Friend of ours , we sent for him , and gave him an impartial Account of the Occasion of our Confinement ; whereupon he advis'd us to Endeavour , if possible , to prevent going before a Justice , and to make it up on any Terms ; demonstrating the Letter of the Law against any such rash Attempts . We Acquiesc'd in his Arguments , and were sensible of our Fault ( but too late ) and desir'd him to stay , till they and the Constable came ; but he told us that a Sister of his that liv'd near the Monument , sent to speak with him just before our Messenger came , on some Urgent Business , but would be back in an hour ; and if they came in the mean time , to desire them to stay till his return ; but before that time was half expir'd , comes the King of the Night , with his short Painted Trunchion of Authority , and two or three of his decripped Door-thumpers , and call'd for his Prisoners , telling us that both our Friend and Adversary , was at the Rose-Tavern at the Alley's-end , before whom we must make our Personal Appearance ; this seem'd strange to us , but however it was no Unwelcome News , by reason our Friend was there , but gave us hopes it might be Accommodated , and we not Expos'd before a Magistrate ; then paying our Fees , we quitted our new Lodging with as joyfull a Heart , as ever poor Wench that is past her Teens went to be Married . Being come to the Tavern , our Friend smil'd , telling us he was sent for by our Adversary , who was his Brother and Sister , to assist in the Prosecution of us ; but we being his Friends , he had prevail'd with them to put it up . At which we begg'd both their Pardons , pleading abundance of Contrition for the Abuse ; and the Wounds we gave in the Scuffle being but slight , we promis'd to pay the Cure , and a Gratuity for their Civility ; and giving Mr. Constable and his Assistant a Reward for their Trouble , we were as good Friends as good Company and good Wine could make us : And after about an Hour or two's Enjoyment , we discharged the Reck'ning , which mounted to about a Guinea , besides the other Expences , then took our leave and departed . My Friend and I Agreed to meet the next Morning at the Flanderkin Sutlers , who was so Ambitious of being a Vint'ner , that he gave 900 Yellow-Boys , for the influence of a Star near the Royal-Exchange ; but some Old Sophisters , who pretend to have mighty judgment in Astrology , prognosticate , that unless the Juice of the Grape be something extraordinary , he will quickly repent his purchase , and the Star be bury'd in a Cloud . But meeting according to Appointment , I perceiv'd my Friend to be very uneasie and melancholly , asking him the Reason , he answerd me , that one Misfortune seldom came alone , but was generally back'd by another ; and since we were no strangers to one anothers . Intreagues , he would give me an Account what has happ'ned since we parted . My Master , you know , has three Daughters , who are Youthful and tolerable Handsome , and no small Fortunes ; I being full Fraught with Vigour , and not able to resist such tempting Fruit , made Love to each of them , unknown to the other , pretending a great deal of Passion ; and so manag'd it , that there was no Suspicion or Jealousy in the least between them ; and to obtain my Desires , I promis'd them all Marriage , at which the poor deluded Fools , soon granted my Request : Since which , by my industrious Labour , they are all pregnant , and press me mightily for Marriage , which now is as far from my Thoughts , as they are Stale in my Embraces ; therefore I still put them off by some plausible Excuse , and defer'd it from time to time . But being pleas'd at Yesterdays success , after the Nights Misfortune ; and also being mighty full of Love , as I was going up to my Chamber I met one of my Loves on the Stairs , then taking her by the Hand , I led her into my Apartment ; where she was mighty Solicitous for me to fullfil my Promise , and I as Eager to renew our Joys . Having fast'ned the Door , she gave me the Trouble to use a little force , at which starts from behind the Curtain the Eldest Sister , which baulk'd my Design , and cool'd my Courage . She over-heard our discourse , and was a Witness of our Procedure ; fell into a violent Passion , Taxing me with Unkindness , Perjury and Fashood to her , who had been so liberal of her Favours , and lov'd me beyond Expression . Then Upbraiding her Sister , who was so supris'd , that she sunk Breathless into my Arms ; and being willing to be Eas'd of my burthen , I lay'd her on the Bed , and began to plead for my self to the enrag'd Charmer : But , Alas ! all that I could say rather Augmented her Fury , and had the same Operation as Oyl , to extinguish Fire . False , Ingrate , and Perjur'd Deluder , cry'd she , is it thus you reward me for all my Kindnesses , Extended to thee ? And is this the Effect of your mighty Passion , which so often you have invok'd the Sacred Deities to Witness ? Are all the Solemn Oaths and Protestations , which so often you have sworn on your Knees , now Cancell'd , and so soon forgot ? Thou who art the Author of my lost Honour , and increasing Shame , art thou now pall'd by Enjoyment ? And could you not content you self with being false to me , but also , must deceive my Sister , and ruine both our Fortunes ? Indeed 't is no more than what I have of late suspected , but now find too Evident ; And had not kind Chance , in your Absence , directed me to your Chamber , to seek for something to divert my self , I had still remain'd Ignorant of your Falshood . No sooner had she pronounc'd these words , but the intranc'd Partner of her Woe , recover'd her depriv'd Senses . At the same Instant one knock'd at the Door , which gave me hopes of relief ; whereupon I presently opened it , wishing I might be sent for out ; for I was in a damn'd Fatigue , at the discovery . But , ye Gods ! How was I dismay'd , to find the third Sister there , and would not be denyed Entring ? Nay , now , cry'd I , Fate do your worst ; then let her in . She finding one in Tears , the other like a Fury , made a scrutiny into the Occasion ; and 't was not long before she was satisfied , at which she kick'd up her Heels ; and Faith I thought was gone to carry the News to the other World. But in a short time coming to her self , she divulg'd her own Weakness , of being impos'd on by my pretended Love ; and gave me a second part to the same Tune . At length , all being silent with Grief , I spoke to them to this Effect , Fancying my self that Heroick Libertine , Don Iohn : Tou see , Ladies , how by Accident I am discover'd in my Amours with you all ; you have all declar'd to me severally you are with Child by me , and that I promis'd you all Marriage , which I Confess : But since 't is not in my Power to gratifie all your desires in performing my Promise , I do declare I renounce it to you all ; and advise you for your own Honour , not to divulge it , thinking thereby to Expose me ; for thereby your own Reputation will be Blasted : But by Concealing your own Frailties , since you are alike Guilty , things may be so manag'd that the Censorious World may be Ignorant of it . Then leaving them to condole one anothers Misfortunes , and contrive for their own Safety ; I came to meet you according to our Appointment . Most Sinners , said I , find by experience the truth of the Old Proverb , That Sweet-meats must have Sower-Sawce : And Ills , tho' perpetrated with the greatest Cunning and Security , are seldom exempt from the Punishment they deserve ; as I last Night Experienc'd , by a Misfortune attended with such amazing Circumstances as the hazard of my Life , and Distraction of my Senses . Which happened as follows . Having spen the remainder of the day ( when I had left you ) after a Drunken and Libidinous manner , about Ten a Clock at Night , I stagger'd from my Company , and rambled about Streets , in quest of Common Game , that the Wickedness of the Night , might Crown the Debaucheries of the Day ; and that I might continue a Fashionable Libertine in a hot pursuit of Vice without any Cessation , lest an Interval should cool me into Sober reflecting on my past Lewdness , and make me fit for Bedlam , rather than a true Penitent ; The next Morning accordingly I met with a stroling Strumpet , whose Face by Candle-light ( which commonly gives Advantage to the Female Sex ) look'd plaister'd over with Pomatum , and her Lips imbellish'd with a Counterfeit Colour to imitate a Healthful Redness : But however , the Power of Lust and Weakness of my Judgment , render'd any thing that appear'd in Petticoats Welcome to my fond Embraces ; so that with very little difficulty , I readily engag'd my Condescending Madam to accept of my Company , unwarily giving her the Priviledge to conduct me to what Place , her most Mercenary Ladyship should think convenient to spend the whole Night together , in the reciprocal Enjoyment of each others Company ; upon which , she took me under the Arm , as Lovingly as a Citizens Wife does her Cuckoldly Spouse , and convey'd me very safely into Salisbury-Court ; where we travell'd down the Lane as Lovingly together , as if we had been Bedfellows and Mess-mates together , ever since the Miraculous beginning of the late happy Revolution . At last she carry'd me into a House where a burly black Fellow with a Countenance as terrible as the Prince of the Devils , bid us wonderfully Welcome , and shew'd us into a back Kitchen , where the easiest Seat was a Buffer-Stool , and the rest of the Furniture fit for nothing but to be dedicated to the fifth of November , or to the Pious Memory of our Gracious Queen Elizabeth . By that time we 'd sat down , my Mistress tip'd the Wink for some of her belov'd Liquor , and presently in came a middle-Ag'd Harradan , representing the Hostess charg'd with a diminutive Quartern of infernal Spirits , having so many unlucky Signs in her dangerous Physiognomie , as if the Devil had travel'd thro' the Features of her Face , as the Planets thro' the Houses of the Heavens , and had left the mark of his Cloven Foot on every place he trod upon . The Brandy , or more properly Kill-devil , being raw , my Mistress complain'd it lay very cold upon her Stomach , and desir'd she might have half a Pint burn'd , to prevent her falling into a fit of an Ague ; which I , being a very liberal Gentleman , very readily consented to , or indeed any thing else , my Insinuating She-compound of Compound of Devilism was desirous to please her snuffling Pallat with ; her Dialect was so agreeable to the appearance of her Person , and the Pestiferous place in which we had taken Sanctuary , that I was mightily pleas'd to see every thing answerable to the Wicked Purpose I was thus far engag'd in . To what ever I said , she had a piece of Newgate-Cant , that she made applicable , and Thwarted my Bawdy-Rhetorick with as many May-be-not's , as a Bungler makes Why-not's in a whole days Play at Tick-Tack ; every now and then I heard a Lumbering in the House , and observ'd the People every time they came , to look with very busie Countenances : I was mighty Solicitous with my Mistress to go up to Bed , but she still resisted my Importunities by an Interferring request of t'other Quartern , which I still submitted to ; till at last Nature quite tir'd with the Day 's Fatigue , and my Brains over-burthen'd with the stupifying Fumes of our Fiery Devils-Piss , I fell fast a Sleep , and lay expos'd to the mercy of my Mercenary Mistress , and her vile Accomplices ; who hoisted me ( after what manner I know not ) up two pair of Stairs , took off most of my Cloaths , and laid me upon an old Flock-Bed by the side of a Dead Woman ; who I found afterwards had made her Exit in a Flux , and cover'd both up together , with an old Lousie red Rug , where I slept till near Day-light , by the Cold side of my Defunct Mistress ; in which time they remov'd all their Goods , which I suppose needed not many Carts to expedite their Conveyance , and amongst the rest , both my Money , and as much of my Apparrel as was worth their taking ; locks up the House , puts the Key under the Door , and there leaves poor Pill-Garlick Snoaring , in this hopefull Condition , Dreaming nothing of the matter : The Watchman coming by , past Four a Clock , gave an Audible Thump at the Door , according to Custom ; and the House being Empty so encourag'd , the Sound , that it struck as powerfully upon my Ear , as if a Demi-Culverin had been fir'd at my Beds-head , or I 'd been hoop'd up in a Drum between a couple of Calves Skins , and somebody had been beating on 't ; insomuch that it wak'd me , and put me in a great Quondary to think whither I was got ; remembring very well I came into an Ale-house with a serviceable Drudge call'd a W — re , but could not recollect any thing of my coming to Bed ; Extending my Arm a little from my Body , I found I had a Bed-fellow ; and the heat of the Brandy having very much inflam'd my most Sinful Parts , I began Presently to examine what Old Nick had sent me , a Male or a Female ; and finding on 't of the right Sex , to tell you the Truth on 't , I began to be wonderful kind , and hug her as close as a strenuous Lover ought to do a new Mistress ; but found her very Cold , very and very fast asleep , as I thought ; so believing she had been , like my self , at hard Service the Day before , I even like a good careful Bed-fellow , cover'd her up as warm as I could , and turn'd my self about to take t'other Nap till Day-light , by which time I was in good hopes my Mistress would have Feasted Nature with sufficient rest , and her frozen Limbs would have recover'd such warmth , as would have made her fit for Humane Action ; having compos'd my self again , I slept soundly till the Sun had peep'd above our Horizon , and somebody came ratling at the Door , with as much Authority , as a Church-Warden at an Ale-house knocker , in the middle of Sermon-time ; which awak'd me out of my sweet Sleep , and brought me waking into a great many troubles ; I rub'd my Eyes and began to look about me , and seeing a Bed without Curtains , Walls without Hangings , a Hearth without a Grate , and a Room without Chair or Table ; I began to be a little surpris'd and turning to my Mistress attempted to wake her , but found her , as stiff as a Marble Statue , as Cold as a Snow-Ball , as Deaf as a Mute , as Blind as a Beetle ; in short , as Dead as a Herring ; finding nothing in the Room , but a Tin Spitting-pot , and an Earthen Bed-pan ; by which I reasonably conceiv'd she Dyed in her Calling , and between the Distemper and Medicine , Pox and Mercury , was carry'd the Lord knows whither , to give an Account of her Stewardship . All this while somebody ratling at the Door , as if either a Constable was come for me , or the Devil for the Corps ; which lamentable fright , together with the other grievous Circumstances I lay under , had like to have caus'd so great a difference between Soul and Body , that 't was as much as ever I could do to keep 'em in one anothers Company ; still hoping there was somebody in the House , tho' as things appeared there was little reason to believe it ; still every half Minute I had a fresh Alarm , and at last venturing down into other Rooms , found nothing but a Vacancy , having carry'd every thing clear off , but the Dead Carcase of a Woman which marry'd men generally account to be their best Houshould stuff : At last I ventur'd to peep out at Window , to see what furious Assailant attack'd our Castle with such a vehement Pulsation ; seeing only a single Man , who look'd like a Rogue , tho' not like a Constable , I ask'd him what he wanted ? He told me , To speak with the People of the House , for that he was the Landlord . I told him they were not within ; but he being , I suppose , a Confederate in the design , was very preremptory , vowing he would come in , either by force or consent , and that if I would not give him Entrance , he would fetch a Constable and break the Door ? Which upon good consideration , I thought better to be opened by fair means ; accordingly I went down , took up the Key , which was thrust under the Door , and gave him admittance , who as soon as he came in , look'd round about him , with a counterfeit stern look , and ask'd , What was become of the Goods ? I told him truly I could not tell , but believ'd they were gone with the People ? How , says he , Pray what do you do in the House , if my Tenant be march'd off with his Effects ? In answer to which , I told him the Truth of the whole Story , which , I suppose , he knew well enough before ; with which he would by no means be pacify'd , crying , I was a Confederate in removing the Goods off the Premises , and that they ow'd him a Twelve-months Rent , and he would make me pay it , or he would trounce me for assisting them ? Besides , he did not know but the Woman was Murder'd , and would have me before the Lord chief Iustice , if I would not comply to give him the Arrears . Which I thought it rather Prudence to submit to , than to stand the Test of the matter , in so Scandalous an Adventure ; which if it had reach'd my Fathers Ear , might have been the cause of my disinheritance ; so that I sent to a trusty Friend for Cloaths and Money , made up the Business , and left the poor Woman , without further enquiry , to be bury'd by the Parish . If such a Trick won't cool the Lust of Man , Sure nothing but Age , Death , or Sickness , can : Reader take Care of Iilts , for here you see , Living or Dead , they have been Plagues to me . FINIS 
A67518	----	The school of politicks, or, The humours of a coffee-house a poem. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1690 Approx. 36 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 14 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67518 Wing W753A ESTC R4030 12311448 ocm 12311448 59376 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67518) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 59376) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 904:45) The school of politicks, or, The humours of a coffee-house a poem. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. [3], 24 p. Printed for Richard Baldwin ..., London : 1690. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Advertisement precedes t.p. Attributed to Edward Ward. cf. NUC pre-1956. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). The general aim of EEBO-TCP is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic English-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in EEBO. EEBO-TCP aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the Text Encoding Initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). The EEBO-TCP project was divided into two phases. The 25,363 texts created during Phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 January 2015. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-04 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-05 John Latta Sampled and proofread 2003-05 John Latta Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion Advertisement . THE Memoirs of Monsieur Deageant , containing the most secret Transactions and Affairs of France , from the Death of Henry IV. untill the beginning of the Ministery of the Cardinal de Richelieu . To which is added a particular Relation of the Archbishop of Embrun's Voyage into England , and of his Negotiation for the Advancement of the Roman Catholick Religion here ; together with the Duke of Buckingham's Letters to the said Archbishop , about the Progress of that Affair ; which happencd the last Year of King James I. his Reign : Faithfully Translated out of the French Original . Printed for Richard Baldwin , 1690. THE School of Politicks : OR , THE HUMOURS OF A COFFEE-HOUSE . A POEM . Tantúmne ab re tua otii est , aliena ut cures ? Terent. Licensed , Apr. 15. 1690. LONDON , Printed for Richard Baldwin , next the Black-Bull in the Old-Baily . 1690. THE School of Politicks : OR , THE HUMOURS OF A COFFEE-HOUSE . ODES . I. 'T WAS Claret that we drank , and 't was as fine , As ever yet deserv'd the name of Wine ; Each Man his Flask we thought a mod'rate Dose , When just as we were giving o'er , Comes in our honest Landlord in the Close , Protesting we should drink his Bottle more : Which done , and all our Reck'ning paid , Each did a sev'ral way repair ; Some went to walk , and some to bed : But I , who had an hour to spare , Went to a nighb'ring Coffee-house , and there With sober Liquor to refine my Head. II. What e'er th' occasion was I cannot tell , Whether the Wine had discompos'd my Mind , Or some false Medium did my Reason blind , But so it was , I took the Place for Hell ; The Master of the House , with fiery Face , Did like insulting Pluto seem , Whilst all his Guests he did condemn To drink a Liquor of infernal Race , Black , scalding , and of most offensive smell : Trembling and pale , I cross'd my self all o'er , And mumbled Ave-Maries by the score . At length , by strange insensible degrees , My fears all vanish'd , and my Mind sound ease , My scatter'd Reason re-assum'd its place , And I perceiv'd with whom , and where I was . III. The murmuring Buzz which through the Room was sent , Did Bee-hives noise exactly represent ; And like a Bee-hive too 't was fill'd , and thick , All tasting of the Honey Politick , Call'd News , which they as greedily suck'd in , As Nurses Milk young Babes were ever seen . The various Tones and different noise of Tongues , From lofty sounding Dutch and German Lungs , Together with the sost melodious Notes , Of Spaniards , Frenchmen , and Italian Throats , Who met in this State-Conventicle , Compos'd a kind of Harmony , Which did in Concord disagree ; Nay , even Babel's fatal Overthrow , More sorts of Languages did never know , Nor were they half so various , and so fickle . IV. The place no manner of distinction knew , 'Twixt Christian , Heathen , Turk , or Jew , The Fool and the Philosopher Sate close by one another here , And Quality no more was understood Than Mathematicks were before the Floud . Here sate a Knight , by him a rugged Sailer ; Next him a Son of Mars , Adorn'd with honourable Scars ; By them a Courtier , and a Woman's Taylor : A Tradesman and a grave Divine , Sate talking of affairs beyond the Line ; Whilst in a Corner of the Room Sate a fat Quack the fam'd Poetick Tom , Pleas'd to hear Advertisements read , Where 'mongst lost Dogs , and other fav'rite Breed , His famous Pills were chronicled : The half Box eighteen Pills for eighteen Pence , Though 't is too cheap in any Man 's own Sense . Lawyers and Clients , Sharpers and their Cullies , Quakers , Pimps , Atheists , Mountebanks and Bullies , Clean or unclean , if here they call , The place , like Noah's Ark , receives 'em all . V. Had Lilbourn been alive to see This Hotch-potch of Society , Some other measures he had ta'en , When he the Work of Levelling began ; For All here stand on equal ground . As I have seen in Storms at Sea , For common safety all are willing found , To hawl a Cable , guide an Oar , To stem the Tide , and bring the Ship to Shoar ; So in this School of Polity , Each thinks himself as much concern'd as they Who sit in Council Chamber ev'ry day ; And all their Maxims have a share Of the Professions which thcir Masters are . The quick-eye'd Sectary pretends to see Under Lawn Sleeves the growth of Popery . The Smith upon the Anvil of his Brain Forms a new Commonwealth again . The Carpenter in his projecting Pate Makes Props t' uphold the tott'ring State : The Quack too , with his Close-stool Face , Does with his senseless Reasons urge , The British Islands want a Purge : And Ah! — Were he but once in Place , He 'd — but there stops , and thinks the Age not fit To know the Wonders of his mighty Wit. VI. But the chief Scene was yet to come , Which was to hear the various Argument Which fill'd all corners of the Room , Concerning the Affairs of Christendom . I being seated to content List'ned with most profound attention to One of the loudest of the prating Crew , Who after spitting thrice began , Stroaking his Beard , — Quoth he , Here sits the Man Who Thirty several Campaigns has seen , At five and forty Sieges been , And in both foreign and domestick Wars Receiv'd as many Scars , As I upon my Head have Hairs . You prate , continued he , to make you merry , Of Sligo , and of Bellishannon , Of Carrickfergus and Dundalk , And of the thund'ring Bombs and Cannon , Were us'd at Siege of London-derry ; Mere stuff , and nothing else but Talk. Now if the Wars you would delight in , And see the very Soul of Fighting , Go but this Spring to Flanders , Flanders the Scene of Action , where Death keeps his Revels all the Year : There are no Petticoat Commanders , Things clad in red , which have no braver Souls Than Parrots , Apes , or Owls ; But hardy Youths , — so us'd to ruff , That their own Skins become a nat'ral Buff : These are the Lads , — and I was one , Although I say 't my self , — have often gone , Through thickest Squadrons of the Horse , And with my single force , Made a whole Troop retire in haste : This good old Blade which by my Side I wear , Assisted by my Arm , I swear , Has kill'd a dozen Men before I broke my fast , Nor living is that daring He , Who but provokes this trusty Sword , But shall — — At speaking of which word , Two Serjeants came and laid Their Paws upon this daring Blade ; But so submissive , and so tame , Was this courageous Son of Fame ! — The Company with Laughter let him pass To Prison , for a most vainglorious Ass. VII . Scarce was this Son of Thunder gone , Who tir'd the Ears of every one , Yet with his blust'ring Language warm , But new Discourse began , Talk understood by every one Concerning the late dreadfull Storm . Lord ! Nighbour , did you ever hear ( Says one ) so terrible a Wind ? I that have liv'd this threescore Years , The like could never find , How Sir , ( replied his Friend , ) — have you forgot That blust'ring Night that Noll th' Usurper died ? When all the Winds in order tried , Who should blow hardest on the Spot , A Storm so dreadfull that 't was thought About by Witchcraft brought ; When trembling Atheists went to Prayer , Thinking the Day of Judgment near ; And Fear appear'd in ev'ry Face . Pish , ( cries his Friend , ) — what that time was , I well remember , but , alass ! To the late Wind it was no more , Than farting of a Cloud , or shrieking of a Door . I 'll teil you : There was lately sent To me a Letter out of Kent , Which says , it blew the Devil's Drop ( A Rock by Dover seen ) Along the Shoar , as if 't had been A School-boy's Gig or Top , And plac'd it on this side the Hope , And that was strange . — — But not by half , So wonderfull ( another speaks , ) as that I now am going to relate : Grazing it took an Essex Calf , Near to the Shoar , and blew him cross the River , Quite into Kent , where the poor thing remains As sound and well as ever . This caus'd the Company to laugh out-right : Which Mirth t' increase a jolly Sailer swore , That on that ne'er to be forgotten Night , ( Though to preserve her they had spar'd no pains , ) Their goodly Ship was stranded near the Shoar , Laden with Claret from Bourdeaux she came ; The Vessel dash'd to pieces , every Man Nimbly to save himself began ; I , for my part , seeing a Hogshead float , Quickly astride upon it got , And , Faith , I think I was not much to blame , My drunken Friend and I got safe to Land , Where in requital of the good He did me , caus'd his dearest Bloud To issue from him upon my command , My Friends and I were merry at his death , And I shall ne'er forget him while l 've breath . Finding this dull Romantick strain , Amongst that Company to reign , Whose Talk was nothing else but Fable , I , leaving them , went to another Table . VIII . At which by accident ( no doubt ) were got Demurely grave of Citizens a knot , With shaking Heads and lift up Eyes , Discoursing upon Prodigies . Ah Friends ! the Times ( says one ) are very sad , Although the Wicked still remain as bad As if all things were settled — T'other Night , As very late by Westminster I came , Methought the Element was all on flame , And one of th' Heads upon the Iron Spire Over the Hall , distinctly cried out Fire : Nay , I a while ago was told , That , at Noon-day , the Horse which stands In the Stocks-Market neigh'd aloud For Provender , while the affrighted Croud Stood shivering both with Fear and Cold : Now when Vice grows so strong , and Faith so weak , No wonder 't is the very Stones should speak : What these unlucky Signs portend I must confess I cannot comprehend ; Let God ( and then he d'offt his Hat ) In his good time discover that . Why , Nighbour , ( says his Elbow-Friend , ) For certain 't is , you cannot be So blind as not to see , The Head which cried out Fire denotes A disagreement in the Senate's Votes ; But Heav'n avert the Prodigy ; And th' Horses Neighing speaks as plain This Summer's scarcity of Grain : But I 'm no Prophet , if I were , Events more wonderfull I 'd shew , Than ever Gadbury or Lilly knew , Events should make the Nation stare ; What pity 't is that Prophecy is ceas'd ! What pity 't is , ( thought I ) thou are not plac'd In Bedlam , where there cannot be One half so Lunatick as thee : Darkness , fresh Straw , and slender Diet , And shaving th' Hair from thy thick Skull , May make thy Brains and Tongue more quiet : But leaving this so very dull , Most whimsical , and senseless Crew , I softly to another place withdrew . IX . Where six raw Countrey Fellows sate To hear an empty Wittal prate . They to no Sermon in their Lives Did ever such attention lend , And each one by his grinning strives Who most shall his Discourse commend : One whisp'ring t'other in the Ear , E'fack , Ned , did you ever hear ( Says he ) such Stories from our silly Vicar , O'er Whitson Ale , or Christmass Liquor ? No , Vaith , Tom , ( answers he , ) in all my born I ne'er heard sike an ean , who does not scorn To tell us all the News ; he should , I 'm zhure , By 's head-piece , be a Countseller . By this time our admired Wit Had drank his Dish of Tea , and then Begins with — — Look ye , Gentlemen , 'T is plain , the Emperour intends To make a strict Alliance with his Friends , To pull down Christian and Unchristian Turk ; E'gad , you 'll see some curious Summers Work , And if things do but bit , ( And I may live to see it , ) Those two proud Tyrants tumble from their Thrones , And on their humble Marrow-bones , Beg to b'admitted Grooms of th' Stable , And eat Scraps from the Servants Table : When this is done , they will , I hope , Have at his Holiness the Pope , With all his red-faced Cardinals , Who wait upon St. Peter's Chair ; A Chair has held this Sixteen hundred Year Without being mended , as I hear . The great Mogul next to their Fury falls , And when they 've overcome the Cannibals The Work is done , and we may live at peace , Enjoy our Friends , and always be at ease . Boy , bring the Gazette . — Sir , 't is not come in . Pox take you , fetch it , for it has been seen At Jonathan's two hours ago . — But , Sir , — But , Puppy , What do I come hither for , To spend my time in this dull smoaky Room ? Pray be not angry , Sir , the Gazette's come . Here , Lad , let 's see 't — So , so , here 's tickling News , Lost Dogs , lost Horses , Soldiers run away Without their Wits , and to avoid their Pay. Books sold at Tom's by Auction — once , twice , thrice , The Hammer's down — he has you in a trice . But , Sir , ( says one , ) what kind of News is this ? For let me dye if I know what it is . Oh , Sir , ( replies the Spark ) I always read Gazettes as Witches pray ; for they , 't is said , Do backwards mumble out their Pater Noster ; But now for News , i' th' twinkling of an Oyster . Reads . Francfort , March 29. Several Boats arrive daily with Provisions that are ordered to be laid up here for the use of the Imperial Forces , which will now very quickly be in motion . The late Flouds have broke the Bridge of Boats at Philipsburg . Brussels , April . 2. — Hold , Sir , ( says one , ) e'er farther you go on Pray tells us where abouts does stand that Town Call'd Francfort . — — Why , Sir , ( answers he , ) it lies Upon the barb'rous Coast of Africa , Snatch'd from the Moors by mere surprize ; For on a very memorable day , Or rather Night , as they were all employ'd In gazing on the then Eclipsed Moon , The Emp'rours Vessels , cruising near the Shoar , Took the advantage of their busied sense , And gain'd the Town : — not many were destroy'd ; Fear bound the Hands of many , Wonder more ; So with small Bloudshed they were Captives soon . The City 's neatly built , and 't was from thence The German Balls , so fam'd for cleaning Shoes , First came . — I 'd read some other News , But I 'm oblig'd by such an hour To be at — Gentlemen , I am your Most humble Servant . — Boy , here 's for my Tea . Then leaves the Room . — But , Lord ! to hear the Praise These Blockheads did to his bold Nonsense raise , Would almost make a witty Man forswear All Claim to Modesty and Sense , Since the Accomplishments which bear A Man through Life , are Ignorance and Impudence . X. In close Caball were in a Corner met A Knot of Men , whose Faces wore The Livery of Discontent , Sighs from their Breasts incessantly were sent , One by their Looks might see their Hearts did fret , Like murm'ring Israelites of yore , They frown'd , they stamp'd , they bit their Thumbs , They wink'd , they nodded , nay , would sometimes smile , When something did their airy hopes beguile , Yet not a Word between their Lips there comes . What this dumb Scene did represent , Or what by Signs and Nods was meant , Conjecture only gives us leave to guess : They were no Friends to th' Government , But there they met their Thoughts to ease , Which Thoughts by Words if they should dare t' express , Their Necks , or Purses at the least , Might pay for th' Tongue 's untimely Jest. Self Preservation 's first of Nature's Laws : To be Well-wishers they 're content , But care not to be Martyrs for the Cause . XI . From this most unintelligible Crew I went , another Scene to view , If the forementioned were reserv'd and close , These were more open , and more free , For Wine no secret ever knows , And that these Sparks had drank t' a large degree . You Sirrah Boy , ( says one , ) go fetch m'a Whore , A lusty strapping Bona Roba , E'gad , I shall so jerk her Toby , I 'd make her — but Ill say no more At present — Pox this Coffee scalds my Throat , ( Another cries , ) 't is in all Sense too hot ; Prethee go fetch a Pair of Bellows hither , And make my Dish know cooler weather : That ever Man should be so great an Ass , To suffer Wine ( that plaguy Thief ) to pass Between his Lips , that slily did convey His Sense , his Reason , and his Brains away : How happy those dull Nations are , That know no other Liquor but small Beer ! You , Harry , ( then there bawls a third , ) If of Sobriety you speak one word , By Jupiter , and all the Heathen Gods , Your Sword and mine shall be at mortal odds ; I for my part , without Reflexions , Against Small Beer have forty Actions ; They 're to be tried next Term , and if I cast it , I 'll make 't High Treason for my Friends to taste it : Boy , bring m'a Glass of Usquebaugh , By People nicknam'd Lill ' bullero , 'T is good against the Gripes , they say , My Humour 's this — Dum spiro spero : Come here 's a Health to th' King of Poland ; Well , here sit I , who though Ive no Land , Suppose my self as great as he , Nay , as th' great Cham of Tartary ; My Crown 's a suddling Cap , a Pipe my Sceptre ; My Bottle represents my Globe , And any Cloaths serve for a Regal Robe ; My Queen my Mistress , when I kept her ; Drawers ( or else 't is very hard ) Will serve me for my Corps du Guard ; But when Incognito I reel , A Link-boy serves the turn as well ; And , Gentlemen , to shew I'm yours , Know you 're my Privy Counsellours . Well , we advise thee to go home , ( Says one , ) and try by Sleep to overcome This Humour . — — Well , for once it shall be said , ( Says he , ) That Counsel I obey'd ; Here , Boy , your Money , — Gentlemen let 's go , Egad methinks I tread on Wool , or Snow , My head 's so light , — well , when I come again I 'll make new Orders in my drinking Reign . XII . This merry Farce diverted all the Room : These you may know had no design The Quiet of the State to undermine , He thinks no Treason that 's top-full of Wine ; Men that sit brooding o'er their Fears at home , Or else abroad in private Corners meet , And there with secret Whispers sit , Are those disturb the Peace of Christendom ; The Juice o' th' Grape may nurse an ill design , But certain 't never was begot by Wine . XIII . Hearing loud Talk and warm Dispute , I sate me down to listen to 't : A Cluster were ingag'd , but chiefly Two Unsheath'd their Arguments , and drew In Controversie's open Field ; He who did the defensive Weapon wield Was both to Wit and Sense allied , Nay , more , the Truth was on his side ; His Habit rich , but modest , — t'other , Yea plainly , a dissenting Brother , Who confidently would maintain , The Papists first the War began , In those sad Times when Jealousies and Fears Set Folks together by the Ears ; Nay , more , that they the Persons were Who brought the King into the Snare , And when they had him safely there , Did , in the sight of all Beholders , Take off his Head from off his Shoulders . ( A Lye so very gross like this , What Hearer would not take amiss ? ) This caus'd the Gentleman to storm , Already with his Canting warm ; How , Sir , ( says he , ) can you with any Face Transfer the Guilt , most justly yours , ( I mean your Party's , ) on the Papists ? They , 'T is own'd , are bad enough ; but can you , 'pray , Inform us who amongst those ruling Powers That sate at Westminster that fatal Day , When Charles ( the Good , the Pious , and the Just , Being from Kingdoms three most basely thrust , ) Was tried , which of them all e'er went to Mass ? What Roman Catholick to sign was known The Warrant for his Execution . Hold , Sir , ( replies the other , ) not too fast : Upon the Stage they did not much appear , 'T is own'd , but they behind the Curtain stood , and what Was ordered to be done was then effected . Good Counsel ought not , Sir , to be rejected , ( Replies the other , ) but 't is plain and clear , The Guilt should only at your Doors be cast . — At mine , Sir , pray excuse me , I comply With ev'ry Government . — That 's uppermost you mean. But , Sir , since you and I have been Disputing thus , let me one Secret tell . — A Secret , ( said I ; ) no , 't is known too well , No Government your Party ever pleas'd ; And if that Miracles had not been ceas'd , Should Heaven to humour you create A Kingdom , Commonwealth , or State , Together with such wise and wholesome Laws , Wherein sharp Criticks could discern no flaws , Yet you 'd be still uneasie . — — Sir , too far You stretch your Argument , for are We not as quiet in the present Reign , As those who stiffly Monarchy maintain ? Yes , doubtless , you ( replies the other ) can Conform to all the Modes which e'er The Government are ready to prepare ; But your Compliance is but Masquerade , Your Loyalty is forc'd , your Faith a Trade ; T' enjoy your Liberty the State thinks fit , Pray Heav'n you make good use of it ; Forbear your Canting , Whining , idle Style , With no amusements see you do beguile Your Hearers ; strive but to be true ; Against the Laws do you forget to rail , And let but Sense ' gainst Bigotry prevail ; And then — — Oh! Sir , we know what best to doe , We come not here to be inform'd by you . — But Counsel's cheap , Sir , I demand no Fees. — But you may counsel others if you please . — Nay , if you 're angry , Sir , I 'm gone ; This 't is when good advice is thrown Away on Men ; but e'er your Company I leave , Remember this , while vainly you believe Others to cheat , you don't your selves deceive . XIV . Great News from Ireland , is heard at Door , Which puts the Audience to a stand , To fetch it in there is command , And one attempts to read it o'er But interrupted by a prating Fop. You talk , ( says he , ) I mean you hope That Ireland will this Summer be reduc'd ; You may as well suppose The Bay of Biscay will be froze ; No , no , with Stories you 're amus'd , K. J — 's Men and Money 's not so poor , And I prononnce him Son of ' Whore , Who wishes Him or 's Army were confus'd . This made the Company to stare : At last one takes him up with — Sir , I dare , Though not to 's Person , yet to 's Cause Wish ruin , and if any here Do not the self-same thing aver , He is without much Complement an Ass. An Ass , Sir , ( cries the other , ) Faith , I don't Much use to pocket up such an Affront ; You wear no Sword , I see , and 't would be base To draw upon a naked Man , But here 's my Dish of Coffee in your Face . T'other , though scalded , would not be Behind hand with him in Civility , But flung a Glass of Mum so pat , It spoild both Perriwig and Point Cravat : On this a Quarrel soon began , Till Constable , with pacifying Staff , Appeas'd the Fray , and the Contenders have Some respite , one his Face to cure , And t'other to refresh his Garniture . XV. The Votes are come — Ay , there 's some News indeed , And one does all distinctly read ; Which finish'd , every one began To make remarks . — With shaking Head , Cries on , I think the Parliament are mad To tax us thus ; we shall e'er long Not know to whom our Souls belong ; Nay 't is reported they prepare A Bill to regulate our Fare ; And none without accustom'd Fees Shall eat of Licens'd Bread and Cheese ; For — — Hold , Sir , cries another Man , E'er farther in your Nonsense you go on ; What to the Taxes have you paid , Or given to the Royal Aid ? If I mistake not , you 're no more Than Journeyman t' a Shoe-maker , And yet your Little Worship must complain , But 't would , alass ! be but in vain To preach Sense to thy cloudy Brain ; Or else , 't might be evinc'd that none In Europe's large Dominions are so free From griping Taxes of the Purse as we ; Besides , what in that nature 's done , Is the effect of mere Necessity , Shall th' King his Person for our sakes expose , And we our little Aids refuse ? They 're worse than Infidels and Jews , Who out of Complaisance to Purse , Their future Happiness will lose , And on Posterity entail a Curse . XVI . More various Scenes of Humour I might tell , Which in my little stay befell ; Such as grave Citts , who spending Farthings four , Sit , smoke , and warm themselves an hour , Of modish Town-sparks , drinking Chocolate , With Bevir cockt , and laughing loud , To be thought Wits amongst the Crowd , Or sipping Tea , while they relate Their Ev'ning's Frolick at the Rose . But now I think 't is time to close , Lest to my Reader I should give offence , And he be tir'd with mine , As I was with their dull Impertinence . My Reck'ning paid , I left the Room , And in my passage Home , Reflected thus — Is this the much desir'd Blessing of Life , which most unjustly we Call Regular Society ? Well , to my Closet I 'll repair , Past Times with present to compare , My self to strictest Study I 'll condemn , And 'mongst some Authours wise and good , Who Mankind best have understood , My Weeks , Months , Years , endeavour to redeem , Which vainly foolish , and unthinking I Have spent in what we falsely call Good Company . THE END . 
A67506	----	A journey to Hell, or, A visit paid to the Devil a poem. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1700 Approx. 87 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 32 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67506 Wing W740 Wing W742 ESTC R3697 12311287 ocm 12311287 59366 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67506) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 59366) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 904:40, 904:41) A journey to Hell, or, A visit paid to the Devil a poem. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 32 p. Printed, and are to be sold by the booksellers of London and Westminster, London : 1700. Attributed to Edward Ward. cf. BM. Part II, at reel 904:41, has special t.p.: A journey to H----: or, A visit paid to, etc., a poem, Part II, both parts by the author of the London-spy. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Hell -- Anecdotes Devil -- Anecdotes 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-04 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-05 John Latta Sampled and proofread 2003-05 John Latta Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion A Journey to Hell : OR , A Uisit paid to the Devil . A POEM . LONDON , Printed , and are to be Sold by the Booksellers of London and Westminster . 1700. THE PREFACE . SINCE a Poet , in a piece of Satyr , like a Passionate Man in a Skirmish , may by accident offend those he never designed to meddle with , the Author , lest People should think he has too far jested with an Edge-Tool , has thought fit to declare , that he had no other Intention in the following Poem , than to apply it as a Carpenter does his Axe , when , to the hazard of its Edge , he strikes at those stubborn and irregular Knots which are a discredit to the Tree , and lessen the value of the Timber : Or as a Surgeon handles his Lancet , when he lays open a corrupt Member , which is both troublesome and scandalous to the sound parts of the Body . It is evident enough , there is no Church in the World but what has received some Blemishes from her Priests , meaning some few , who , for want of either Learning , Prudence , or Piety , have been a dishonour to their Function , such only I accuse ; and I hope , should I blame Peter for denying his Master , or Judas for betraying Him , the rest of the Apostles would have no reason to be angry . If I am condemn'd for Arraigning 'em in the Lower Regions , which some of 'em have good reason to hope was prepar'd only for us Laymen , I have only this to say , that I am not the first that has plac'd a vicious Clergyman in the Infernal Territories ; for Michael Angelo , the Famous Roman Painter , in his Resurrection in St. Peter's Chapel , had the presumption to paint a Cardinal in Hell , so very like the grave Father he represented , that every body knew the Picture , which put the good Old Gentleman under so great a Dissatisfaction , that he complain'd to the Pope , and desir'd he would Command it should be rub'd out ; who told him , he was got quite out of his Jurisdiction , saying , If he had been but a step on this side , he could have released him from Purgatory , but having not the Keys of Hell , from thence there could be no Redemption . The next part of my Apology , is to the Learned Professors both of Law and Physick , for whom ( as well as the Orthodox Clergy of the English Church ) I have a peculiar Veneration , who cannot be insensible what swarms of hungry and unskilful Practicers in both Sciences there are , who fraudulently prey upon the honest Labours of the Publick , at such only is this Satyr pointed , who support themselves basely by others Ruin , and have no just Prospect , for want of true Knowledge in their Business , to preserve themselves from Beggary , but by often bringing others into it ; one side plunging their Clients further into Trouble , instead of helping them out ; and the other , instead of recovering their Patients of Curable Distempers , will , if they be Poor , thro' neglect ; or if Rich , by delays of Cure , for Interest sake , be the Death of some , and the undoing of others , to their whole Lives Misery . Therefore , since it as essentially relates to the Comforts of the Life of Man , to know what other People are , as well as what he himself should be , I thought it no Ill Task to Communicate to the World what knowledge of Mankind I have gather'd from my own Experience ; the Good wont hurt us , 't is the Bad we must be Cautious how we deal with ; for which reason , I have herein separated the Wicked from the Godly , representing only the former , to show Youth what Monsters in Humane Shape they must expect to meet with in this World , tho' of the most Noble Professions : Therefore , my whole Design is only to make Men careful with what Priests they trust their Souls ; with what Lawyers their Estates ; and with what Physicians their Bodies . And if this Part of my Undertaking succeed well , and that the World is pleased with it , they shall hear further from me on the same Subject ; for in this I had not room to half finish my Design . So Farewel . A Journey to Hell : OR , A Uisit paid to the Devil . CANTO I. WHEN Western Clouds involv'd the God of Light , And all the Eastern starry Orbs look'd bright ; When Sots their Tavern Bacchanals begun , And Thetis at a draught drank up the Sun ; Whilst Luna with her Silver Horns drew near , To bless the Night , and bear Dominion here . 'T was then that I , my better self , my Soul Broke loose , and thro' my Prison Casements stole , And glad I 'd shifted off my Earthly Chains , Danc'd like a flaming Vapour round the Plains . I then thro' Brakes and over Whirl-Pools flew , Till tir'd with only superficial view ; Then into Holes and Crannies did I dive , Where Badger , Fox , and sundry Vermine live ; Where Moles were labouring to enlarge their Homes And buzzing Bees made Musick o'er their Combs . Farther I darted thro' the porous Earth , To seek that Womb whence Nature had her Birth , But found the hidden Mistery far too great , And for a Human Soul too intricate : Causes with sundry Causes mix'd I found , Each Matrix did with proper Seeds abound , But why those Seeds their likeness shou'd produce , Their Form preserve , be still the same in use , My shallow Reason neither see or knew , But found each Cause did the Decrees pursue , Of some Eternal Pow'r beyond dim Reasons view . Thro' deeper Caverns still I forc'd my way , Where useless Dregs of the old Chaos lay , Involv'd in Night , remote , and never seen by Day . Where Plagues and Pestilential Fumes were pent , Till Heav'ns Decree shou'd give 'em fatal vent : Where greater Serpents do the less devour , And Human-like , contend for Sov'reign Pow'r : Where Streams thro' subteranean Channels run , And fight with Winds far distant from the Sun ; Whose violent Shocks the World can scarce survive , But trembles at the very strokes they give . And where Heavens Judgments in subjection lay , Ready the dreadful Trumpet to Obey , And work the World's destruction at the last sad Day . Thus thro' Nights deep Avenues did I pass , Where all was rude as in the unform'd Mass. Thro' Death's remoter frightful Vaults I went , Where ghastly Sprights their Follies past lament , And in dispairing Sighs such Discord make , No Soul could hear , but of their Grief partake , Dreading from thence their sad remove each Hour , To endless Pains , where Time shall be no more . So the poor Thief , when seiz'd for his Offence , Finds his own Conscience Judge and Evidence . And thus , before he to the Bar shall come , Dreads with sad Terror his succeeding Doom . I forward press'd , bemoaning of their Case , Freed from my Earth , Death ask'd me for no Pass , But boldly shot the Adamantine Gates Without repulse , unquestion'd by the Fates , Who busie sate , with Distaff , Reel , and Knife , Spining and cutting Man's short Threads of Life . O'er scorching Sands , where fiery Seeds lay hid , I Travell'd , till the Avernuan Hills I spy'd , High were their gloomy Heads , the trodden Path as wide , I ventur'd forwards , till to Styx I came , Which shone like humid Vapours in a flame ; It s poysonous Fumes so fatal and impure , None but Immortal Spirits can endure . I stood a while , and ponder'd by the Lake Upon the frightful Voyage I had still to take . CANTO II. My Resolutions now much stronger grew , My first Intentions to at last pursue , Charon I call'd , his leaky Boat to Freight , Who in 's infernal Pinnace nodding sate : Hearing a Voice he started , and with speed , He drag'd his rotten Bark from Mud and Weed : With painful pulls he brought her to the Shore , Black with the Guilt of those he 'd wafted o'er . The grisly Churl ask'd whither I wou'd go , Up to Elizium , or the Shades below . I told him I to Pluto's Court was bound , Where restless Souls amid'st their Pains are found . The frowning Pilot finding me alone , E'en bid me wait , for he 'd not carry One. 'T was I , said he , this Ferry first began , And held it ever since the Fall of Man , But never yet , as Pluto knows full well , E'er wafted o'er one single Soul to Hell. On Earth of what Imployment coud'st thou be , Who com'st so destitute of Company : Hard was thy Fate , to these dark Shades unknown , Thou art the first that e'er was Damn'd alone . I heard his Questions , but no Answer made , And what he further ask'd did still evade , With humble Words , that with him might prevail , To take his Fare on board and set up Sail. But all my soft Perswasions would not make , The grim Tarpaulin his old Custom break , Who gently row'd his Ferry to and fro , Bauling aloud , Hey , downward , downward ho. Thus for more Company being forc'd to wait , Down on the Bank , amongst the Weeds , I sat , And looking round me , at a distance saw , A loit'ring Crowd towards Charon's Ferry draw : They gently crept along , oft seem'd to stay , And hung their Arses as if bound my way : So the Wretch , drove to suffer for his Crime , Now steps , then stops , to lengthen out the Time. Charon look'd out , the multitude drew nigh , P — on 'em , says the Churl , this sooty fry Are Lawyers Souls , I know them by their dye . Close to the Stygian Banks at last they came , Showing some signs of Sorrow , some of Shame : Despair and Anguish in their Looks I read , Each did his sultry unknown Voyage dread ; And , Transport like , as gladly would be drown'd , As see the slavish Shore to which they 're bound . Charon pull'd near , but grumbl'd in the Throat , Your pondrous Ills will never let me float , You always come in Crowds , enough to sink my Boat : If Hell in such mean Traffick means to Trade , Pluto must get a stronger Vessel made : But come , step in , and do not make me stay , Pray trim the Boat , whilst I my Stretcher lay . Then in we hobbl'd from a steep Descent , Hoisted up Sail , and on our way we went ; Whilst I , not under the Decrees of Fate , Amongst the sighing Crew with Pleasure sate , Bearing some glim'rings of celestial Light , With them compar'd , look'd innocent and bright , As the tan'd Mariner 'mongst Negro Slaves looks white . My Soul was light , and they so weighty were , We held no poize , made Charon curse his Fare . Who pull'd and puff'd , still roar'd with open Throat , W — nds move your Shades , and better trim the Boat , The Larboard Gunhil's almost under Water , For me , the Devil waft such Fares hereafter . My Soul considering her diviner Air , No ballance with their heavy Crimes could bear , Stept from the side , and in the center got , And to the Churls content I trim'd the Boat , Which Charon skull'd a head with mighty pains , Deep Laden as a Western Barge from Stains . Downwards our Course , and as more way we made , The Rocky Beach still loftier rais'd its Head ; Whose thistly Product all look'd parch'd and dry , Like Weeds long ho'd that in the Sun-shine lye . Vapours condens'd hung low'ring o'er each Head , And sporting Daemons round the Vessel play'd . Night-Ravens , Bats , and Screech-Owls then drew near , To give old Charon , as he pass'd , a chear ; Who with their horrid Skrieks alarm'd each frighted Ear , Mix'd with the Groans of filthy Souls from Stews , Condemn'd to Fetters in the stinking Owse . Thus the black Judge such Punishment contrives As bears proportion to their odious Lives . Serpents , like River-fish , their freaks would take , And skip above the surface of the Lake ; Where Furies came from their more curs'd abodes , To catch and bundle up their snaky Rods. Charon now tir'd , his labouring Oar forsook , A dram of some infernal Spirits took , And 'twixt his Jaws a Pipe of flaming Sulphur stuck ; Then to his Oars himself again apply'd , And to his Fare the merry Slave thus cry'd , Chear up , ye sullen Shades , and be not dull ; ( Then , adding strength , he gave a strenuous pull ; ) You who'n the upper World , in long delays Of Justice , and in Quarrels spend your Days , Hold up your drooping Heads , more Courage show , Than fear th' immortal Discords here below . You that have pass'd the Adamantine Gates , Grim King of Terrors , and the moody Fates , Shake off your cowardly Fears , and with a Grace Look the stern Prince of Darkness in the Face . They shook their Ears , and signs of Horror show'd , Great their Despair , and great their sinful load : Their guilty Forms no Comfort cou'd receive , Or could they one defensive Answer give , But hung their thoughtful Heads , look'd Al-a-mort , Like sullen Convicts in a Tyburn-Cart . By this time to a narrow Gulph we came , The Lake descending in a rapid Stream ; Darkness all round above our Heads were set , Lock'd in with Mountains in conjunction met ; Where clacks of Whips , and distant Yells were heard , But nothing seen , Night only here appear'd . This Current brought us to the deep Abyss , Unknown to Light , to Harmony , and Peace , Where Souls the painful Stings of Conscience bear , And nothing dwells but Horror and Despair . B'ing come to th'brink of the Infernal Cell , Our Pilot steering to the Wharf of Hell , Landed his Fare , and bid us all farewell . CANTO III. Thus put on Shore upon the dismal Strand , Where fiery Attoms sparkled from the Sand ; Sighing my Comrades stood , and made their moan , Like Seamen Shipwreck'd on a Coast unknown , Whilst I unforc'd had little cause to mourn , But was commission'd safely to return . Time prun'd his Wings , and hasten'd on with speed , The dreadful Moment that the Gods decreed , The drooping Wretches should their entrance make , At Hell's wide Porch that guards the burning Lake . Compell'd by the extrinsick power of Fate , The trembling Souls gave notice at the Gate , Dreading those Torments which the Ills they 'd done Deserv'd , and was not in their power to shun . Cerberus growl'd , his Three-tone Snarl we heard , The Chain he rattled , and the Gate unbar'd . To Pluto's Court we thus admitted were , Dusky his Mansions , sultry hot the Air : The Door shut after 's with a frightful Clap , From those sad Confines could be no escape : Fetters and Links did at a distance clink ; Sad Howls we heard , and nothing smelt but Stink ; Nauseous as are the Fumes of smoth'ring Straw , Great heat we felt , and gloomy Fires we saw , Glowing like burning Piles of Turf or Peat , Whilst groaning Souls lay basking in the Heat . My sad Companions were receiv'd by throngs Of envious Spirits , arm'd with fiery Prongs , Who clap'd their pointed Wings , and with a Yell , Gave'em a dreadful Welcome into Hell , And led'em Captive to a loathsome Cell ; Whilst I some Rays of Innocence diffus'd , Unquestion'd pass'd , by all the Guards excus'd : As he that visits Bridewell , with intent To Goodness learn from others Punishment , Does fearless thro' the Prison confines rove , Whilst guilty Slaves are to Correction drove . Vast streams of melted Minerals ran down , 'Twixt glowing Banks of Adamantine Stone , Roaring like Cataracts on ev'ry side , Flowing with violence , like an eager Tide : Where Souls unpity'd are condemn'd to dwell , Whilst Heav'ns without controul , or Hell is Hell. They Plow'd the Fiery Surges to get free , But sunk again , like Monsters in the Sea , Or as the Poor on Earth , bore down by Destiny . Near these were punish'd in Ignifluous Vaults , The greatest Spirits for the biggest Faults : Where I with pity and amazement view'd , Princes of old , once stil'd so Great and Good , Held so Immaculate , so all Divine , That Gods could scarce with greater Glories shine ; High in the State , Victorious in the Field , Abroad had Conquer'd , and at Home had Kill'd ; Wise in their Conduct , and approv'd their Cause , Mighty in Pow'r , and equal in Applause : Flatter'd on Earth by Poets and by Priests , Yet doom'd at last to be Infernal Guests : How much , thought I , do we mistake above , Who esteem Pow'r a mark of Heaven's Love : When thus I saw their grand Fatigues on Earth , Their Noble Spirits and Illustrious Birth , Their glorious Blood-shed in the wreaking Field , For Crowns , or to enlarge Dominion spill'd . Resistless Arms , and Arbitrary sway , That forces ravish'd Countries to Obey . Their dangerous Battels which they once might boast , Crown'd with Success , by no Ill-fortune crost , Were punish'd here as Princely Ills , too great For common sinful Slaves to perpetrate . Some Crimson Hero's painted o'er with Blood , Storming amidst their sweating Torments stood , Rail'd against Kingdoms they had basely won , And raving , curs'd each sanguine Ill they 'd done , Accusing of Severity their Fate , Made 'em renounce all Goodness to be Great . Thus Tyrants , who so lordly once appear'd , Rush'd on at all , nor God nor Devil fear'd , In these dark Regions are decreed to know , Tho' once they Rul'd above , they must Obey below , And change that Splendor which deceiv'd the Crowd , For guilty Consciences that cry'd aloud : So the proud Combatants before they fell , Look'd bright in Heav'n , but now look black in Hell. Others thro' moody Pride contemn'd their Chains , And bore with sullen hardiness their Pains ; Slighted their Suff'rings , patient stood and mute , As N — l P — n when tortur'd with the Boot ; Whilst some bemoan'd their Doom , their Crimes expos'd , In Sighs and Tears their sad Despair disclos'd . Whose cow'rdly Souls bewail'd their wretched state , And beg'd for Mercy , but alass too late : Railing at Eve , on her the blame they laid , Who to such Miseries had her Sons betray'd , Crying , O wretched Soul , that art Immortal made . From thence I wander'd thro' a stately Porch , Where Carbuncles supply'd the Light of Torch ; Flashes of Fire they darted from on high , Like beams of Light'ning from a stormy Sky . This Entry to a spacious Cavern led , Where Azure Lamps with Oil of Sulphur fed , Hung blinking round the subterranean Hall , Num'rous as Beauties at a Prince's Ball , But dim as Tapers at an Emperor's Funeral . I gaz'd around , and at a distance off , Saw Pillars of rough Adamant sustain the Roof , Compos'd of Coral of Igniscent Red , Like glowing Bars on Vulcan's Anvil laid , Beset with Gems that made a glorious show , And Orient Pearl adorn'd the sides below ; With Furies Whips , and Prongs Infernal grac'd , Which were as Arms in a Guard-Chamber plac'd : Fearless I walk'd , still further did intrude , And Pluto's Palace with amazement view'd , Till to a Bar at th' upper-end I came , Gilded with Fire , and burnish'd o'er with Flame ; Within whose Bounds was held th' Infernal Court , Without stood ghastly Prisoners All-a-mort ; Whilst Radamanthus on his Judgment-seat , Like an old Bridewell-Judge look'd Grave and Great , Awarding Pains proportion'd to the Sin Of Souls condemn'd , by Hell's black Guards brought in , From mighty Jove's High Court of Justice sent , As Convicts to receive their Punishment . Fresh enter'd Sinners made the Fiends new Sport , Who haul'd th' unwilling Wretches into Court , As Serjeants when their Prey want Coin or Bail , Lug the poor Prisoner headlong to a Goal . CANTO IV. A Train of vicious Priests did first draw near , Guarded as Culprits to a Sessions-Bar ; Some in long Cloaks , and Gowns , great Coats and Bands , With brainless Heads , grave Looks , and close clinch'd Hands . For Spirits , by report of old , appear In the same Shape they did , when living were : Or else when Goblings , being vex'd and crost , At Midnight rove from Pillar unto Post , ( Ghost ? How should the frighted Bumpkin know his Neighbour's A pratling Devil rises , and at large , Opens before the Court this following Charge . The Pris'ners at the Bar , nor learn'd , nor wise , Nor having Grace of Heaven before their Eyes , Have with a carnal Weapon , call'd the Tongue , Abus'd what 's Righteous , and maintain'd what 's Wrong ; Wounding Religion , and oppos'd the Truth , And with their Whimsies maim'd and crippl'd both . Also by Laziness and Looseness shew , They ne'er would practice what they taught or knew ; But by their Lives on Earth made Mortals think , Their only Duty was to Eat and Drink . On Pigs and Geese luxuriously they fed , By humble Peasants at their Groundcel's laid ; Who were themselves content with Bread and Cheese , Small-Beer , Skim-Milk , and such like things as these , Yet labour'd hard to keep their wanton Guides in Ease . Whilst they Carous'd , and did on Dainties Dine , Squeesing each Bigots Cupboard , and his Vine , As if their God was Meat , and Paradise was Wine . And when they 'd rais'd their Lust by luscious Food , To bless with more encrease the Pious Brood , And kiss the Godly Dame was held divinely Good. Further they would with Things unjust comply For Gain , and ask no other reason why : Preach Pro and Con , with any Faction side , To gain their Ends , and gratifie their Pride ; Yet made the Ign'rant by their Cant believe , They could assurance of Salvation give , To all that pin'd their Faith upon their Pastor's Sleeve : The Laws they taught their very Lives defy'd , Enjoying all to others they deny'd . The Rich they envy'd and the Poor abus'd , Extolling Charity , but none they us'd : Rail'd at the Miser , and his rusty hoard , Declar'd how Charity 's in Heaven stor'd , Yet never lent themselves one Peny to the Lord , But did in riotous Excesses live , Coveting all things , yet would nothing give . As walking in the upper World one Day , A Lame poor Wretch stood begging in their way ; Great were his Wants , but their Neglects were such , He noch'd down nineteen Teachers on his Crutch , On whom thro Heav'n he did for succour call , But got not one small Alms amongst 'em all . The Cripple turn'd to 's mumping Mate , says he , If Charity , alas , be Heaven's Key , How will these sable Souls admittance get , From whom we ne'er obtain'd one Farthing yet . Poh , says the other , I have beg'd of many , When young I was , but never got one Peny ; And now I 've learn'd more Wit than e'er to beg of any . The Hypocrite they damn'd , and set at nought , Yet play'd the same thro' ev'ry Hour they taught ; With Eyes turn'd up , as a Religious Grace , They daily flatter'd Heaven to its Face ; And ev'ry Name of Lord they bawl'd aloud , More to amuse , than to instruct the Crowd . When all their thoughtless Nonsence spoke beside , If by the touch of common Reason try'd , Was something that just nothing signify'd , The Doctrine of Forgiveness would they give ; But injur'd once , revenge it whilst they live : Many commit , but no Affronts would bear ; And when provok'd , they so Contentious were , That with Stiff-Necks , and Hearts as hard as Rocks , Rather than lose an Egg , they 'd spend an Ox. Deliv'ring each poor En'my , to the Jaws Of that wild Monster the devouring Laws : Where Justice is too oft so dearly bought , The Wrong's most cheap where Justice ne'er is sought . These are the Ills for which they 're hither sent , By Heav'ns Decree to receive Punishment ; Therefore , my Lord , what now remains for you , Is to award such Pains as are their due . The Judge arising did his Task assume , And gravely standing thus pronounc'd their Doom : Altho' , says he , in diff'rent Robes you came , I find your Ills are equally the same : I decree therefore you alike shall feel , A Tythe of all the Punishments in Hell. And as you , when you did on Earth reside , The Poor neglected , who on Alms rely'd , So shall you Mercy crave , but always be deny'd . They nothing had on their behalfs to say , But whimper'd , and by Fiends were drag'd away . CANTO V. Before the next surprising Scene appear'd , A noise of strange tumultuous Tongues I heard , They nearer still approach'd , till grown as loud , As the base Murmurs of a Trait'rous Crowd , Rais'd by some Statesman's Tool , to perpetrate Some ill Design against a sinking State. At last in view there came a wond'rous Throng Of fetter'd Convicts , all upon the Tongue : Each to the other did confus'dly Prate , Like tat'ling Gossips in a drunken Chat ; Or else like Temple Students , when they call , To fright the crasie Bench , A Hall , a Hall : Grave Robes and Gowns of sundry sorts they wore , And many Badges of distinction bore , Some old Grey-Heads , with Silk and Flax adorn'd , Whose wrinkled Brows , as well as Toes , were Corn'd By Wives too young for Sixty , and too old To bribe off Loves enjoyments with their Husbands Gold. Gouty and Lame these Sages limp'd along , And were advanc'd the foremost in the Throng ; All seeming by their mercenary Looks Cunning as Foxes , and as sharp as Hawks : Their Palms look'd black , by taking Bribes of Coin , As Slaves who labour in an Indian Mine : Methoughts I heard 'em cry , Ne'er fear ; go on , My Fee , my Fee , your bus'ness shall be done ; Money 's the Life , the Spirit of the Laws , Find me but that , and never fear your Cause . These were succeeded by the Clerks o'th'Court , The lesser Scribes , that do the greater hurt , Whose woful earnest of a Ten Groats Fee , Enters the Client first in Miserie : Of these some Beaus , and some precise in Bands , With Parchment Rowls , like Truncheons in their Hands ; Their Pockets stuff'd with Scrawls , like Poet Bays , For expedition some , and some delays ; Under their Arms green Woollen Snap-sacks hung , Fill'd with learn'd Instruments of Right and Wrong . There follow'd next to these a spurious sort Of Pettyfogers , meer Locusts of the Court , Who often help the former to deceive , And eat up what the bigger Vermin leave . Some by their Shop-board Looks were Taylors bred , But broke , and on their Backs had scarce a Shred ; Not only in their Lives , but Looks were Knaves , Litigious from their Cradles to their Graves . Vers'd in those Querks , amongst the Scribes they saw , After long Troubles did themselves withdraw , From making Sutes of Cloaths , to manage Suits of Law : Well knowing it requires an equal Skill , To make a Lawyer 's , or a Taylor 's Bill . Amongst this paltry Crew , were Ten to One Bred up to Trades , but by the Law undone : And thus distress'd , most equitably sought Relief from that which had their Ruin brought : Or else resolv'd , from being basely us'd , T' abuse the Law , by which they 'd been abus'd . So the poor Wretch , who Witchcraft has endur'd , If once she claws the envious Hag she 's cur'd . Some in Freeze-Coats , strait Wiggs , and flapping Hats , Great Beards , and dirty Hands , like Counter Rats , With Looks undaunted , at their Heels a Straw , Bold Teasers and Tormenters in the Law : Tho' all the knavish Knowledge they had in 't , Was learn'd i' th' Fryars , Newgate , or the Mint : These in each Cause , to manifest their Care , Wou'd , if they 're hir'd , Sollicit or Forswear : Stand stifly to a Point , the World might see , Their Clients should , by them , no Suff'rers be . Bailiffs and Hangmen did the next appear , And Goalers too were crowded in the Rear ; Why these were mix'd , I ask'd , and 't was because , These were the Plagues and Periods of the Laws , Whom all Mankind with equal Odium hate , For Rog'ries done so despicably great . These hung an Arse , and crept so slow along , A Devil spurr'd them forward with his Prong : And at their Laziness with Rage inflam'd , Cry'd , move you Rogues , walk faster , and be damn'd . A Hangman angry at the gross Affront , Turn'd back his Head , and answer'd him as blunt , Why Rogue , and please your Worship , what d' ye mean , I have as honest as my-Master's been : I from all blame by Human Laws am freed , And only finish'd what the Court decreed : What if some Wretches should unjustly dye , The Fault is not in me or my Imploy ; Those that Convicted 'em were R — s , not I. These , tho' alike , by no means could agree , Or to each Brother Villain civil be : The Bailiffs on the Hangmen look'd awry , Each Carnifex return'd an evil Eye , As threat'ning to be with 'em by and by ; Like signs of Terror on their Brows did sit , One fear'd a Rope , the other fear'd a Writ : Mutual Aversions were on each entail'd , From Bailiffs oft b'ing Hang'd , and Hangmen Goal'd : 'Twixt Fear and Hate they did each other greet , As a poor Bankrupt , who by chance shall meet The Creditor he 's Cozen'd , in the Street . Round the Infernal Court they all were haul'd , The first Division to the Bar were call'd ; The Charge brought down from the High Court of Jove Of which they 'd all Convicted been above : Silence was first proclaim'd in the Divan , And Hell's Attorney-General thus began : My Lord , the Grave , Wise Culprits at the Bar , Who rais'd amongst Mankind perpetual War ; By some call'd Lawyers , and by some Be-knav'd , Who by sly Querks the Upper-World enslav'd ; Subtle as Foxes , who with Tongues , not Claws , Dug themselves Holes , and burrow'd in the Laws ; Skill'd to unravel Justice , but instead , A hundred Wrongs to one just Act they did ; Till by ill use so mercenary grown , They valu'd no Man's welfare but their own : By study'd means would tedious Suits create , And spin each Contest to a long Debate ; For other Persons plead , but get themselves the Estate . Justice behind so many Querks they 've put , None but the long full Purse can find her out . In vain by Thousands has she oft been sought , But seldom found but when too dearly bought . These her dark Agents , to their Country's shame , Gilded their Frauds and Knaveries with her Name , But seldom would regard the hoodwink'd heavenly Dame. Biass'd by Briberies to the strongest side , Rich Men were serv'd , when Paupers were deny'd : For golden Fees , each sold his silver Tongue ; The Money'd Cause was right , if starv'd , 't was wrong . The Poor thus slighted , seldom could prevail ; Large Fees the Pleader turn'd , and he the Scale , From him to whom the Ballance should encline By right , but perishes for want of Coin. Contentious Suits and Quarrels they began , Oft to th' undoing of the Just Good Man , By wilful Flaws in Deeds , they might avoid : Thus err'd with Pens , their Tongues might be imploy'd , Till the poor Suff'rers Bags had largely paid , For mending Faults their knavish Lawyers made . If the Rich Miser ask'd their sage Advice In a bad Case , they 'd only say 't was Nice : But if their Client to the dregs was drawn , And had no Money , or Estate to Pawn , Tho' good his Cause , 't was bad , not worth the carrying on . So the Youth , poyson'd with a Harlot's Eye , Is Hug'd and Flatter'd till she sucks him dry ; But when she 's Jilted him of all she cou'd , Foh ! his Breath stinks , and all his Talk is rude . Th' Infernal Orator now paus'd a space , He hauk'd and spit , blow'd Nose , and wip'd his Face : B'ing thus refresh'd , he turn'd his sawcer Eyes , And to Attorneys thus himself applies , You who in Times of old did Ink-horns wear In Leathern Zones , and Pens in twisted Hair ; Whose Locks were Comb'd as lank , and cut as short , As best should seem the pleasure of the Court. Who now on Earth as num'rously abound , As Rooks and Magpies in a new sown Ground : These by foul Practice and Extortion thriv'd , And beggar'd half the Country where they liv'd ; Reviv'd old Discords , kindl'd up new Flame , And sow'd Contention wheresoe'er they came , To pick the Purse of each laborious Slave , Who Thrashes hard to feed the greedy Knave , Buoy'd up with hopes he shall Victorious be ; He sweats and toils a Week to earn a Fee , Then to next Market rides before his Dame , And to his Scribe presents , with scraping Leg , the same ; Who bids the Booby Client chear his Heart , And haughtily does bad Advice impart , Fear not , says he , I 'll make the Rascal smart ; But when his Purse has yielded up its Store , His Cause proves bad , if he can bleed no more : You told me wrong , did several things misplace , Agree , agree , it proves an ugly Case . Thus by long Bills stuff'd with unlawful Fees , They tax'd the Farmer as themselves should please : Improv'd litigious Suits by ill Advice , Eat up full Barns and Acres in a trice , And plagu'd the sinful Land like Egypt's Frogs and Lice . As they from Leathern Belt to Sword arose , And from a rural Grey to Town-made Cloaths , The greater value on their Pains they laid , The more impos'd , the Client still obey'd , And scrap'd and bow'd more low at ev'ry word he said . These were the Locust first from Envy bred , Who like the Drone , on others Labours fed ; And such insatiate Appetites they shew , As still devour'd , and still more hungry grew . So the lean Miser that improves his Store , Becomes more close and greedy than before , And as he grows more Rich , the more he grinds the Poor . This said , the pensive Scribes were all set by , And to the Bar they call'd the lesser Fry , Those worser Knaves , that Pestilential Throng , Who in the Rear-Division march'd along , The Court amaz'd to see so vile a Train , The sable Pleader thus again began : Of these , my Lord , but little need be said , The worst of Rogues that Human Race e'er bred . In Frauds and Cheats all others these excell , A curse to Earth , and now a Shame to Hell. Treach'rous their Trade , and odious as its Name , Abhorr'd of all the World from whence they came : These at no Crime or Villany would start , But boast and glory in each roguish part , Hell's sharpest Pains scarce equals their Desert . Concluding thus , the Judge himself begins , And pronounc'd Sentence in the following Lines : You in grave Robes , most learn'd in Human Laws , Who by locutious Arts could damn a Cause Tho' ne'er so just , and make the wrong appear , When e'er you pleas'd indisputably clear ; And since these Ills were all for Riches done , A melted Mine of Gold shall ever run , Upon your greedy Palms , and drop upon each Tongue . Thus shall your Crimes ( by this my just Decree , ) Done for the lucre of a golden Fee , With Gold be punish'd to Eternity . And you the mercenary Clerks o' th' Court , Who made your Clients ruine but your Sport , And by Neglect , or by unlawful Speed , Gave Mortals twice the trouble that you need ; Who held it just , in practice of the Laws , To widen Discords , and prolong the Cause , Whilst the large Purse did with advantage fight , And conquer'd him that had the greatest Right ; Then with long Bills the vanquish'd Wretch pursue , And make him pay half double what 's his due , To you a new-found Punishment I 'll give , Amongst old Hags and Furies shall you live , There Scratch and Claw , and in confusion fight , Till Hell wants Darkness , and the Heavens Light ; There shall you strive to mitigate your Pain , And reconcile your Foes , but all in vain . Furies shall scourge you with their Scorpion-Rods , Beneath the reach of Mercy from the Gods , Thus dwell involv'd in Night , eternally at odds . And as for you , * curs'd even from your Birth , The very dregs of all the Rogues on Earth , Offspring of Devils , and by Nature base , Ne'er bless'd with one small Ray of Heav'ns Grace , But led to Crimes , by such degen'rate Wills , That knew no Pleasure but in acting Ills , The hottest Mansions of the deep Abyss , Where fiery Snakes and Salamanders hiss , To those dire Confines shall you all be sent , Where Fires at once shall quicken and torment ; And as you burn , Hell's Roof shall open'd be , You distant Souls in Paradise may see , And by their Joy , encrease your own sad Misery . Thus Radamanthus spoke — Then did the Guards their proper Pris'ners take , And , by force , drag them to the burning Lake , Who hung an Arse , like Bears , when hauling to the Stake . CANTO VI. Soon as the Scribes were to their Torments gone , I heard another Crowd come trampling on ; Grave Seigniors led the AEsculapian Rout , Some crying , Oh! the Stone , some , Oh! the Gout ; Holding in ev'ry Interval a Chat , Of Acids , Alkalies , and Hell knows what . Some boasting of a Nostrum of his own , To all the College but himself unknown . Another prais'd an universal Slop , Made from the sweepings of a Drugster's Shop ; Whose wond'rous Vertues may be seen in Print , Tho' he that made it never knew what 's in 't . Another wisely had acquir'd an Art , To make a Man Immortal by a Squirt . Some with two Talents were profusely blest , And seem'd to study least , what they profest , In earnest Poetry , and Physick but in jest . One hop'd by Satyr he himself should raise To the same Honour some had done by Praise , But angry seem'd because he lost his Aim , And did th' Ingratitude of Princes blame , Who gave not that Reward he might in Justice claim . As they mov'd forwards great Complaints they made Against the crafty Pharmacentick Trade ; Bad were their Med'cines , and too great their Price , Little their Care , and ign'rant their Advice ; Who from the Bills they fill'd had found a way To seem as Wise , and be as Rich as they . Ne'er fear , says one , a Project I 'll advance Shall bring them back to their first Ignorance . The Means propos'd were neither wise , nor fair , A frothy Thought that vanish'd into Air , And left the wrinkled Consult in a deep despair . Graduates and Emp'ricks here did well agree , And kindly mix'd , like Gold and Mercury . Both had their Bands , their Canes Japan'd with black , Each in their Carriage had the same grave Knack , 'T was hard to know the Doctor from the Quack . Both skill'd to sift the Patients Worth , or Want , And furnish'd were alike with Chamber-Cant : Both could advance their Cane-heads to their Nose , And bid the Nurse take off , or lay on Cloths ; Judge the sick Pulse , pursuant to the Rule , And ask the Patient when he 'd last a Stool : Both talk'd alike , alike did understand , Each had hard Words as Plenty at Command ; But that which some small distance had begot , One knew from whence deriv'd , the other not . The Emperick therefore in Dispute oft yields , And gives the College D — ce the Mast'ry of Moorfields . Thus he that 's Sick to either may address , For both administer with like Success , The Quack oft kills , the Doctor does no less . Next these a Troop of Med'cine Mongers went With Cordials in their Hands , they should not faint , Who rail'd against the College Dons , and swore Themselves as Wise as those that went before . One much disturb'd his Brethren were opprest , Attention begg'd , and thus he spoke his best : Thro' Zeal to 's Trade , he rashly did begin , Speaking as if on Earth he still had been : If to our Wrong , Physicians stoop so low , To keep a Med'cine Warehouse , let 'em know , We 'll practice Physick till we kill and slay As many Thousands in a Year as they . The Poor they promis'd should have Med'cines free , Instead of that the Upper-World may see , They make 'em pay great Rates for as bad Goods as we . Therefore in just Revenge let 's drive at all , Advise , Bleed , Purge , and no Phisician call : Thus into obstinate Resolves they broke , And wisely , like Apothecaries , spoke , We will do what we will , and let them see , As long as we don't care , pray what care we . St. Barth'lomew's Physicians next came up , Some bred Tom-Fools , and some to Dance the Rope : One Month employ'd i' th' Business of the Fair , And th' other Eleven stroling Doctors were . Of Learning these no Portion had , or Sence , Their only Gift was downright Impudence : Chiefly in Germany and Holland born , But England's Plague , and their own Country's Scorn . The Poor Fools Idol , and the Wiseman's Scoff ; Yet often cur'd what Learned Heads left off . With these were Sow-Gelders , and Tooth-Drawers mixt , And Barber-Surgeons here and there betwixt . Some round their Necks had Chains and Medals got , For Curing some strange Prince of God knows what : Others who Bulls , and Bores , and Colts had Gelt , Wore Silver Horse-shooes on a Scarlet Belt. Whilst Spoon-Promoters with the rest came on , Adorn'd with Sets of good sound Teeth they 'd drawn . Illit'rate all , from painful Study freed , Scarce one could Write , and very few could read . Themselves they extol'd , on others heaping Blame , Their Bills and common Talk were much the same : When e'er they spoke their barren Nonsence shew , They little had to say , and less to do . Some from the Loom , some from the Last arose , Others from making or from mending Cloaths . Pretending all such useful Truths they 'd found In Physick's Riddle , which but few expound , That was most pleasant , speedy , safe and sure , And in the twinkling of an Eye would Cure The worst Disease on Earth , that Mortal cou'd endure . Close to the Bar they now began to Crowd , Hoping for Mercy , very low they bow'd . The Judge being tir'd , did for some Hours adjourn , And left 'em there to wait the Court 's Return . The End of the First Part. A Journey to H — : OR , A Uisit paid to , &c. A POEM . PART II. Both Parts by the Author of the London-Spy . LONDON , Printed , and are to be Sold by the Booksellers of London and Westminster . 1700. THE PREFACE . I Have reason to suspect , from some Clamours I have heard against the Title of this Poem , upon the Publication of the First Part , that 't is a very wicked Age we live in , since the very Name of Hell and the Devil are such wonderful Scare-crows to a parcel of Puritannical Fornicators , which , if they had been oftner put in mind of his Infernal Worship , and his dreadful Dominions , might have been a means , for ought I know , of frighting 'em from a Licentious and Wicked Life , into more Honesty and Vertue . Words in themselves are no more than Marks by which we signifie or express the Conceptions of our own Minds , or raise up Idea's of the same things we represent in others . Therefore to put the World in mind of Hell and the Devil , in a justifiable way , representing both as terrible as the narrowness of my Capacity would give me leave , I hope can be no Fault , since it is reasonable enough to believe , the dread of eternal Punishment deters more People from an Ill Life , than the hopes of everlasting Happiness has induc d to a Good one ; for we may observe the weakness of Humane Nature to be such , that the fear of Wracks and Tortures has often brought Offenders and Conspirators to a Confession of their Guilt and Plots , when the reward of Life would not tempt 'em to a Discovery ; and almost every Man may find , who will but examine himself or observe others , that Prosperity in this World does not so much elevate a Man , as Adversity depresses him ; Pleasure does not so much affect us as Pain , which makes us more watchful to avoid the one , than industrious to obtain the other . I declare my Intention to be good , and those that look into the Design without Prejudice , must allow it to be so : But as for such kind of zealous Shop-Criticks , who are afraid to peep into the Book because they see the Devil in the Title-Page , I must needs tell 'em , it favours more of ridiculous Preciseness and Hypocricy , than it does of true Zeel or good Judgment , and I think they deserve as much to be laugh'd at for being angry with the Title upon that Account , as the Lady did for burning her Bed upon another , which affording something of a Jest , I 'll proceed to the Story . In the Times of Confusion , when the Sword had cut down the Scepter , Purity knock'd down the Church , and a High Court of Justice had destroy'd both Law and Equity , there happen'd then to be a very Devout Lady , who number'd her self amongst the prevailing Saints , and would not suffer any thing that had been polluted to harbour under her Roof ; the more to strengthen her in her Religious Exercises and Heavenly Meditations , she kept a thumping lusty Precisian in her House , which she call'd her Chaplain , who was always wonderful busie in watching the Lambs of Grace in the Family , ' that they might not Err and Stray like lost Sheep ; and at last happen'd , by his vigilance , to discover a Man-Servant and a Maid-Servant upon a Bed together in very close Conjunction , and running presently to the Good Lady , brought her to the Key-hole of the Door to be an Eye-witness of the Matter , who seeing such an abomination committed in her House , call'd out to 'em with all impatience to open the Door , and for a Couple of unsanctified Wretches to depart her House , which she fear'd would fall under some heavy Judgment for so vile a Transgression ; their business being done , in Obedience to their Lady's Commands , they drew the Bolt , and the enrag'd good Gentlewoman , with the assistance of her Holy Servant , turn'd 'em out into the Street , by Head and Shoulders , which being done , they consulted together how they should punish the defiled Bed , for assisting them in their Wickedness , at last concluded it should be burnt , which was done accordingly ; who should come by , when the sinful Utensils were in Flames , but the Fellow who had been the Transgressor , and being inform'd what the Fire was made on , Egad , says he , they might as well have burnt all the Beds in the House , and most of the Chairs to boot ; for there are none of the one , and very few of the other , but what , to my Knowledge , have been privy to the same business . I only give this Story as an Instance of the unaccountable Folly and blindness of some Folks Zeal ; for if every Bed was to be burnt that has been thus polluted , and every Book to be supprest that has Hell or the Devil's Name in it , our Libraries would be very thin , and our Houses but indifferently Furnish'd ; besides , as to the latter , the drift of the whole Poem being to detect and scourge the Frauds and Wickedness of Men. I say , they may as well Censure most Sermons preach'd , in the Nation , wherein the same Bugbear Words are us'd with a good Intention : But however , because such Persons should not be Offended , I have , in this Part , put Hell with a dash , and supplied the place of the Devil with an &c. which Method , to please 'em , I shall continue in all the succeeding Parts , which ( God willing ) I intend to carry on as long as the World shall give Encouragement . Farewel . A Journey , &c. PART II. IN the Court's absence hot Disputes arose , Betwixt the Doctors and their Dogst — d Foes ; No Blows they had , but every warm Debate Did in abusive Language terminate ; Quack , Emp'rick , Clyster-giver , Fool , and Knave , Close-stool-Promoter , Buttock-peeping Slave , Physician 's Vassal * kept at first to Trot With Vomit , Vial , Purge , and Gally-Pot , To pick our Drugs and Herbs , and what is worse , To bear the Teaze of ev'ry tatt'ling Nurse ; Drudge to the Pestle and a Charcoal Fire , Only maintain'd to save a Porter's Hire , And now ! to thus audaciously presume To prescribe Physick in a Doctor 's room , When you no more of Theory understand , Than Monsters in the Ocean do of Land : Whence sprang this unaccountable advance , But from base Impudence and Ignorance ? Whence can you boast your Knowledge , lest you own , By study of your Files you 're Learned grown ? And if you do , 't is but a weak defence , For none but Quacks from Recipes Commence : If from Prescriptions you could once attain To be a competent Physician , Read Usher's Sermons , where the Gospel shines , And you as well may make your selves Divines : How will ye find , by an old musty Bill , New Patients Constitutions when they 're Ill ? Or if unlearn'd in Physick's crabbed Laws , How the Distemper judge , or guess the Cause ? No , your pretended Skill's a dangerous Cheat , To bubble those who want both Health and Wit. If an old File can such Instructions give , As teach you how to make the Dying Live , How far must we Excel , what Wonders do , Who gave at first those Recipes to you ! This Scourge made all the Crabs-Eye Crew run mad , Who answer'd 'em in Language full as bad , They hum'd and buz'd about like angry Bees , And look'd as poys'nous as Cantharides , Vex'd at the two-edg'd Sayings of the Bard , Thus they began , spoke loud , and wou'd be heard : Cast on your selves but an impartial Eye , Look round your ill-compos'd Society , And you as empty Dunces there may find , Quite deaf to Learning , and to Reason blind , As e'er swept Shop , or did a Counter wipe , Or ty'd a Bladder to a Clyster-Pipe : Some Hogan Mogan Quacks , first Taylors bred , And from the Shop-board were Physicians made , By old Receits of others , not their own , Grow famous Curers of the Gout or Stone : Why may not we Prescribe as well as these , Who ne'er read Galen or Hippocrates , Or any part of Physick's System know , Beyond what our Dispensatories show . Others of Oxford may , or Cambridge boast , Who had a Twelve-month's standing there at most , Where what he learn'd at School he not improv'd , but lost , Whose wand'ring Thoughts no Study could entice , But is expell'd for Negligence or Vice. And thus the Rake fall'n short of a Degree , Chaplain or Curate he despairs to be , At last Physician turns thro' meer Necessitie . When thus resolv'd , he does to Holland go , Where Quacks and Mountebanks like Mushromes grow , Spring up as fast ; a Recipe's their rise , And thus they 're made Physicians in a trice . But he more learn'd in School-Boy Rules repairs To Leyden , where he 's taught to stand the Bears , There spends Six Months , and at a small expence , Does two or three Degrees at once Commence : Then Home he comes , and does admittance gain , Amongst the grave old Bards in Warwick-Lane ; Adorns his Copy'd Prescripts well as they , With the learn'd Capitals , M. F. S. A. A Pill made publick is his main support , Which he takes care does neither good nor hurt , Fam'd for som wond'rous Cure at som strang Prince'sCourt ; He 's always hasty , trots a Coach-Horse pace , And bears the Title ( Doctor ) with a Grace : Furnish'd with Terms , he can the Patient pose , And runs at all , tho' nothing truly knows ; Undertakes desp'rate Cures for weighty Summs , Coz'ning the Patient wheresoe'er he comes ; Why may not we , to make up Med'cines bred , The same Admin'ster , and as well succeed As this unskilful interloping Crew , Ign'rant of Physick , nay , and Med'cine too . The Learn'd but make of both a common Jest , A Leyden Quack , and Salamanca Priest : Therefore — The Judge returning , ended the Dispute , And with his awful Presence struck 'em Mute ; As wrangling Mob , together by the Ears , Grow silent when the Constable appears . Down in great Pomp the grave Assembly sits , The Lamps grew dim , the Cryer call'd fresh Lights . Then Pluto's Orator his Papers spread , And to the Court this short Oration made : My Lord — Within the Circle of a solar Year , Such numbers of these Criminals appear At this last Bar of Justice , that there needs But short recital of their sinful Deeds ; A long Exordium therefore I 'll forbear , And just remind your Lordship what they are . These were the Enemies to Humane Good , Who did the languishing Diseas'd delude , With gilded Poysons to abuse their Blood ; And did to the mistaking World pretend Man's Life from Fate , pro Tempore , to defend . Instead of which , to one their Art could save , They hasten'd Legions headlong to the Grave ; And by their Pills , so speedy , safe , and sure , Begot more Evils than their Art could Cure. Some Fools and Tumblers , some Mechanicks bred , Who quitted Needle , Last , or some such Trade , To barb'rously encrease the numbers of the Dead . When lustful Brutes were weary of their Wives , And wanted younger Flesh to bless their Lives . These were the Artists who by Med'cines force , Gave , on good Terms , a Physical Divorce , And often help'd , at reasonable Rates , Impatient Heirs much sooner to Estates , Well knowing whensoe'er they exert their Skill , The rich old Dad , or homely Spouse to kill , The Son or Husband ne'er disputes the Doctor 's Bill . If to a Patient call'd , to them unknown , When first into the House or Room they 're shown , The mercenary Quack looks round to see What signs of Want , or of Prosperity Appear about the Chamber , and from thence Does his Advice accordingly dispence : If meanly Furnish'd , and course Sheets , they 're Poor , The Country Air must then perform the Cure ; But if the Patient's Rich , Lie still , dear Sir , Nurse keep him close , 't is present Death to stir , I 'll send a Drink shall rectifie his Blood , Drenches and Drops can only do him good , Pearl-Cordials , made of Crabs-Eyes , must be now his Food . Thus is the Wretch with Physick stuff'd and cloy'd , And what he begs for most , is most deny'd , Till pin'd away at last to Skin and Bone , Only for want of Food to live upon : But when giv'n o'er , if Nature be but strong , The Cook oft proves the Doctor in the wrong , And does his Life with Kitchin Physick save , Brought by base Emp'ricks once so near the Grave . From hence , my Lord , it plainly does appear , Such Doctors many Thousands in a Year , Secundum Artem , kill , for want of good small Beer . Thus is the noblest Science most abus'd , And Patients by unskilful Quacks misus'd . These Mercenary Methods they pursu'd , Regarding nothing but their own Self-Good . What Pains to these inhumane Crimes are due , My Lord , I humbly must submit to you . The Judge arose , his Countenance compos'd , And to the Pris'ners thus his Mind disclos'd ; You who , pursuant to the God's Decree , Are to receive your final Doom from me , Your Crimes are great , which you your selves well know , Expect no Mercy , for I none can show ; Since you with loathsome Slops have Crowds destroy'd , Whilst you your selves good wholsome Food enjoy'd ; Kill'd on , without regard to dying Groans , And fill'd Church-Yards with your own Skeletons , To Pains I 'll doom ye , yet to Hell unknown , Proportion'd to the hainious Ills you 've done : Such pois'nous Drenches shall you always swill , As more and more torment , but never kill : Each odious Draught shall still encrease your Hate , And gripe you worse than Asnick does a Rat. As close as barrel'd Figs you shall be cram'd , Without the hopes of being e'er undamn'd : There Purge , Spue , Piss , Sweat , to the worst degree , And stink together to Eternity . The Doctors at their Sentence hawk'd and spit , The Apothecaries puk'd with meer conceit , And with sad sickly Looks did humbly pray The Court , they might be damn'd the common way : The Judge to their Request had no regard , But sent 'em to receive their just Reward . CANTO VI. These were succeeded by a numerous Throng , Who scan'd their Paces as they march'd along , Some in their Hands had Songs , and some Lampoons , Some Read , whilst others Sung White-Fryars Tunes . Amongst 'em , here and there , a stanch'd old Wit , Who long had stood the Censure of the Pit , Emphatically mouthing to the rest , Some Madman's Rant , or some Fools barren Jest : Repeating all things like a Man Inspir'd , Storming or Smiling as the Sence requir'd . Some who had Lyrick'd o'er a lucky Strain , Look'd as if lately Rig'd in Drury-Lane ; Whilst others , banter'd by their Jilting Muse , Appear'd in Thread-bate Coats and rusty Shooes , Yet all had Swords hung on strange aukward ways , From Poet Ninny to the worthy Bays ; Not wore as Soldiers do their Arms , to fight , But for distinction , as an Author 's Right , Who tho' he hurts sometimes , yet hates to kill , And never Wounds but with a Goose's Quill . The mungril Sriblers , who could stand no Test , Bow'd low with Veneration to the rest , Entreating some grave Seignior to peruse , A Leathern Satyr against Wooden Shooes ; Or else a Poem , praising to the Skies , The Cook that first projected Farthing-Pies , Crying it was not heighten'd to his Power , Because he loosely writ it in an Hour ; The anngry Bard with sundry Trifles teaz'd , Made it much worse , and then the Fool was pleas'd . Some about preference of Wit fell out , And made a Riot in the Rhiming Rout , Wounding each other with Poetick Darts , And rail'd like Billingsgates to show their Parts ; Each envious Wasp stung t'other at no rate , Expressing not his Judgment , but his Hate . Thus did the Partial Criticks all run Mad , And fiercely strugl'd for what neither had ; As Whores their Reputations oft defend , And for a Good Name , which they want , contend ; Whilst ev'ry stander-by the Feud derides , Takes neither part , but ridicules both sides . When round the Bar Apollo's Sons were spread , And Proclamation was for Silence made . Hell's Advocate began his just Report , Op'ning their Accusations to the Court. May 't please your Lordship — — these the Taglines are , Who softly Write , and very hardly Fare ; They tune their Words as Tubal did his Shells , And Chime 'em as a Green-Bird does his Bells : Their Muses leisure wait , and Rave by fits , By some call'd Madmen , by themselves call'd Wits ; Who , to improve , and please a vicious Age , Lampoon'd the Pulpit , and debauch'd the Stage ; And with convincing Arguments profest , Wit was best relish'd in a Bawdy Jest ; Writ wanton Songs would fire a Virgin 's Blood , And make her covet what 's against her good : Laid such obscene Intrigues in ev'ry Play , That sent warm Youth with lustful Thoughts away . And when thus guilty , a defence could urge , And justifie those Ills they ought to scourge . These are the Flatt'rers , who with fulsome Lies Made Knaves seem honest , and rich Fools seem wise ; Misplac'd the Epithets , Great , Good , and Just , Us'd them as Masks to cover Pride and Lust : Virtues to each vain gilded Fop they gave , Made Niggards Generous and Cowards Brave ; Found Charms and Graces for each homely She , And highly prais'd each Jilt of Quality ; Made her all Beauty , Innocence Divine , And like a Goddess in their Poems shine , Who whilst they sung her Praise , in Fact was lewd , And lawless Pleasures ev'ry Hour pursu'd ; If lib'ral of her Gold they 'd give her Charms , Thus sold their Praise as Heralds do their Arms. The World they cheated into base Mistakes , And gull'd 'em with a thousand Rhiming Knacks ; With Fancies , witty Flirts , and musing Dreams , Extravagantly heighten'd to Extreams . If Praise they writ , then ev'ry partial Line , Shou'd make the Bristol Stone like Diamond Shine ; Or vouch a Nosegay of some Lady's Farts , More fragrant than a Rose , to show their Parts . Their Works are all false Mirrors , where Men see Not what they are , but what they cannot be : Such lushious Flatt'ries flowing from each Pen , As make their Patrons Gods , not Mortal Men. Thus some affecting Grandeur , by a Cheat Are often made so Popular and Great . As the proud Sapho did , by Parrots praise , Himself above all Humane Glory raise ; And by his subtle and amusing Fraud , Procur'd the Veneration of a God. So are the Prisoners at the Bar ( my Lords ) A jingling Consort of deceitful Birds , Who sung about the World , like common Fame , Hyperboles of Praise to each great Name , And made those Actions Glorious which deserv'd but Shame The lewd Great Man , that banter'd Holy Writ , And ridicul'd Religion , was a Wit ; For all things render'd able , tho' for nothing fit . Sublime his Notions , and refin'd his Thoughts , Their Dedications wip'd away all Blots , And made the wild young Fop an Angel without Fau'ts . The Patron of his Gold profusely free , To indulge himself in his Debauchery , Was generously Great , to a laudable degree . If too much love of Money was his Vice , He did the Pleasures of the World despise , And was with them no less than Provident and Wise. Tho' ne'er so vile , if th' Muses Friends they were , For every Vice a Virtue shou'd appear , Poems and Dedications kept their Honours clear . If they writ Satyr , 't was their only Care To represent things blacker than they were ; Nay , clap a Sable Vizard on the brightest Fair : Make the best Creatures to their Lash submit , Render each Virtuous She a Counterfeit , And Stile the Pious Virgin but a Hipocrite . The saving Man as Niggard they 'll accuse , The gen'rous Worthy they can call Profuse , Thus all that 's Good and Just , when e'er they please , abuse . The sober Student is a Bookish Dunce , The Wit that 's free spends too much Brains at once , And he that 's Brave or Bold , is but a Flash or Bounce . Religion , when they please , is but a Trick , The Priests are Hounds that hunt a Bishoprick , Who for the same Reward wou'd truly serve Old Nick. Thus Cause or Person , whether bad or good , That in their biass'd Path of Interest stood , Were without Merit prais'd , or falsly render'd Lewd . Thus , may it please your Lordship , have I run Thro' the chief Ills their biass'd Pens have done , And must conclude , 't is now the Bench's part To give the Rhiming Paupers their desert . Their Accusations being all made plain , The Judge himself austerely thus began . You who by Nature had such Gifts allow'd , As rais'd your Minds above the common Crowd . When thus enrich'd , to condescend so low As stoop to Railing , or to Flatt'ry bow , Shame on your Cow'rdly Souls , to so abuse That Genius giv'n you for a nobler use . T o've heighten'd Virtue should have been your Task , And show'd the Strumpet Vice without her Mask . T o've giv'n the Wise Respect , taught Fools more Wit , Reprov'd , and not have rais'd vain Self-Conceit ; By Flatt'ring some for Int'rest , who abhor Those very Virtues you have prais'd 'em for , Whilst the Great Soul who true desert contains , Is render'd Odious by your envious Pens . For these Offences , which your Charge makes plain , Destructive to the common Peace of Man , This Sentence I Decree — To Hell's remotest Caves ye shall be sent , In woful Verse you shall your Crimes recant , And Criticising Devils shall your Souls Torment . Nay , further , to encrease your wretched State , Shall write in praise of Bailiffs , whom you hate , And humbly , in your Poems , stile 'em Good and Great . Brisk Clarret , and th' obliging Miss dispraise ; Thus shall you Scribble 'gainst your Wills both ways , And ev'ry Imp shall make Bumfodder of your Lays . CANTO VII . This Scene being ended , and the Poets gone , After some space a new Parrade came on ; A Throng of angry Ghosts that next drew near , Large as a Persian Army did appear ; Each to the rest show'd Envy in his Looks , Some Writings in their Hands , some printed Books . The learn'd Contents of which they knew no more , Than the Calves Skins their sundry Volumes wore , Down from the bulky Folio to the Twenty-Four . As they press'd on , confus'dly in a Crowd , Piracy , Piracy , they cry'd aloud , What made you print my Copy , Sir , says one , You 're a meer Knave , 't is very basely done . You did the like by such , you can't deny , And therefore you 're as great a Knave as I. By their own Words I found alike they were , The Dev'l a Barrel better Herring there . Printers , their Slaves , b'ing mix'd amongst the rest , Betwixt 'em both arose a great Contest : Th' ungrateful Bibliopoles swoln big with Rage , Did thus their servile Typographs engage : You Letter-picking Juglers at the Case , And you Illit'rate Slaves that work at Press , How dare you thus unlawfully invade Our Properties , and trespass on our Trade , Print Copies for your selves , and fill the Town , Instead of ours , with Pamphlets of your own ; Publish upon your own Accounts each Day , And buy our Authors off with better Pay ? How can you justific such Wrongs as these , When both , by right , shou'd bow your Heads and Knees , To Write and Print for us , and at what rates we please ? This Arrogance inflam'd the Printing Crew , And from their Tongues these sharp reflections drew : Ye paultry Tribe , we bow our Heads to you ! Pray when , or how , became this Homage due ? What has possess'd your Noddles with this Dream ? Our Trade's an Art soars high i' th' World's esteem : 'T is we the Labours of the Learn'd disperse , And diffuse Knowledge thro' the Universe , We give new Light , Obscurities remove , All Sciences preserve , the same improve ; Which were it not for us would quickly die , And must in dark Oblivion bury'd lie . Nay , I may boldly say , the Church and State Are by our means supported and made great : Yet Gratitude obliges us to give , Preference to Authors , 't is by them we live . We did at first , and still alone can do Their Bus'ness , and no Aid require of you , Who were at first but Hawkers , and no more , Imploy'd to range the Town and Country o'er ; Travel'd with Asses to convey your Books , And kept no Shop but Panniers , Bags , and Pokes . Thus trudg'd to Markets , strol'd to ev'ry Fair , Open'd your Wallets on the Ground , and there , Amongst Hogs , Pigs , and Geese expos'd your learned Ware. Thus you at first were neither more nor less , Than servile Pedlars to the fruitful Press ; No Copies cou'd ye buy , no Charter boast , But now alas , those good old Times are lost . Corners of Streets , and Gateways in the Town , Were chosen Places where your Stocks were shown ; There sate like Women with their Curds and Whey , Had none , or very little Rent to pay : Sold Ballads , Peny-Books , poor Fools to please , Tom Thumb's old Tales , or such like Whims as these . At last , by Time and Chance more prosp'rous made , Leap'd into Shops , and so advanc'd your Trade ; As you grew Rich , still proving greater K — ves , Made Authors Hacknies , and the Press your Slaves : Why should we thus your Impositions bear , Who rais'd you first to be what now you are ? Both , to our Grief , have been too long your Tools , They sell their Brains like Asses , we our Pains like Fools . This made the Libel-Venders Wrath run high , They shew their Teeth , began a warm Reply ; But that the Cryer call'd 'em to the Bar , And the Court's awe supprest their rising War , They knew their Guilt , and humble rev'rence paid , Then all their Evils were before 'em laid . Thus says Hell's Council , I begin their Charge , Whose Crimes Stupendious are , their number large . My Lord — These Sheepish Forms , who look so pale and wan , Corrupted by a strong desire of Gain , Kingdoms inflam'd , disturb'd the Peace of Man. These were the discontented Statesman's Tools , Who spread his Malice and impos'd on Fools ; Princes abus'd , against their Thrones inveigh'd , Affronting Pow'rs by them should be obey'd . Base mercenary Scriblers did imploy , And when the Troubles of a State run high , Pour'd in their Pamphlets , did the World bewitch , With Paper-Engines still enlarg'd the Breach , Regarding not the Right of either side , But made the Mob's mistaken Zeal their Guide , Observ'd which way the People's Whimsies run , And follow'd them with Books to drive 'em on . Would Treasonable Lyes accumulate And pelt 'em at a weak declining State , Oft to a King 's undoing , or a Nation 's Fate . Printed both Pro and Con no matter what , Serv'd that Cause most , where most was to be got . No publick Ill could reach the End desir'd , But their assistance must be first requir'd : Were Midwives to designs of restless Men , Which ought t o've dy'd Abortives in the Brain . With hurtful Whims they kept the World in play , And introduc'd new Mischiefs ev'ry Day ; Which the blind Crowd believing were misled , And still were greater Fools the more they read . When things accru'd they 'd to their Scribe repair , Hid in some lofty Turret Lord knows where : Where for small Pay , his mercenary Quill , Robs some of their good Names , gives others ill , Just as the Pris'ners at the Bar requir'd , To rail at any thing he wou'd be hir'd , Who , fond of what he Writes , thinks ev'ry Line inspir'd . These Mungril Scriblers they imploy'd in spight , To abuse Wits , and teaze 'em on to Write , That Press and Booksellers might both get Money by 't . Kept 'em to raise up Jealousies and Fears , And set Mankind together by the Ears , As wifling Curs make Mastiffs oft engage , And keep a yelping to foment their Rage . But at a distance stand behind some Skreen , And , like true Cowards , shun the dang'rous Scene . Next these , my Lord , my Breviate does include The blackest of all Crimes , Ingratitude , Distinguish'd by so vile , so foul a Stain , Hateful to Beasts , nay Devils , well as Men , This Sin was epidemically spread , And by long use corrupted all the Trade , ( Bread T'wards Authors practis'd most , by whom they got their Which aggravates the Evil , and does make Their sullied Consciences appear more black . When the unwary forward Youth begins , To trust his private Thoughts in publick Lines , Large Promises they 'd make to draw him in , But their Performance he shou'd find but thin . If 's Writings pleas'd , they gently fed his Wants , And tho' things Sold , yet vex'd him with Complaints , Instead of giving him that due Reward His Pains deserv'd , and they might well afford , They'd means contrive to build him up a Score , And find a thousand ways to keep him Poor . When this was done , they 'd awe him with their Frowns , And buy him as their Slave by lent Half-Crowns ; Arrest him , plague him , thus should he be teas'd , Unless he drudg'd and scribl'd as they pleas'd : In Print abuse him , scourge him round the Town , And make his Reputation like their own . Thus did they feed on Author's teeming Brains , And kept 'em Starving to Reward their Pains , Whose Faculties decline , as Age creeps on , And when their sprightly Thoughts are fled and gone , They leave the helpless Wretches mis'rably undone . So th'Magget in a Nut that long has fed , And by the Kernel fat and fair is made , Disdains the empty Shell wherein he first was bred . Next these , my Lord , themselves could not agree , Or could they honest to each other be , But one anothers Properties invade , To th' scandal and the damage of their Trade . He that to 's own Fraternity is base , Can ne'er be just , whilst Int'rest's in the Case ; But will for mercenary Ends pursue The worst of Ills that's in his Power to do : An Adage has declar'd , the Bird , at best , Is but an ill one that befouls his Nest. As such Ill Birds , my Lord , for such they are , I represent the Pris'ners at the Bar , ( Care. To reward these their Crimes deserves your Lordship's Th' impartial Judge deliberation took , And when determin'd , thus he gravely spoke . You who before me do Convicted stand , Of publick Mischiefs to your Native Land , Besides Ingratitude , Fraud , Piracy , Unreasonable Gain , and Calumny , Souls blacken'd with such deep infernal Stains , I 'm bound to punish with the greatest Pains . Beneath the Poets shall your Station be , From their Invectives you shall ne'er be free : With burning Satyrs they shall sting your Souls , As Farmers do their Hogs , or Cooks their Fowls . Pamphlets and Plays shall make your flaming Pile , And Author's Dung shall baste you as you broil . And there for ever to encrease your Woes , Read O — d — 's dull Rhimes , or Sh — y's Prose . A trembling Bookseller amidst the Crowd , When Sentence was pronounc'd , cry'd out aloud , Ah! Neighbours , Neighbours , wou'd we'd honest been , Why what a sad Condition are we in ! Poets you know were such faint-hearted Wretches , That when their Plays were damn'd they 'd foul their Breeches . Indeed I dread them most of all our Evils , For now they 're damn'd themselves they 'll drip like Devils . CANTO VIII . Next came a jolly Troop of staggering Sots , Arm'd , some with Glasses , some with Pewter Pots ; Who round their Hips had azure Ensigns ty'd , Put on for use , but hanging low for Pride . Some who were bound the bleeding Grape to thank , Had Noses dy'd with Noble Juice they 'd drank . Others crept after , whose Consumptive Looks , Were paler far than either Smiths or Cooks ; Who wanting strength of Nature for their Trade , B'excess of Wine meer Skeletons were made . Amongst the rest some bulky Forms appear'd , Huge strenuous Souls to be admir'd and fear'd ; Each at his Middle had a sharp ground Adds , Looking like Giants that oppos'd the Gods. Some Nippers in their Hands , as if they meant To catch the Devil's Nose , as did the Saint . As they went on amongst the Tipling Train , About Precedence some Disputes began ; The Hogshead Drummers , who to please the Mob , Can make such Musick with an empty Tub , Took some distaste , their friendly Union broke , And thus in Anger to the Vintners spoke , Have we taught you the Practical Deceits , Of Cider , Stum , the Whites of Eggs , and Sweets , How to Ferment , to Rack , to Mix and Fine , And all your pretty Knacks and Tricks with Wine , And shall you now in this presume to show Such Skill as we , who taught you what we know , Pretend Priority , take th'upper-hand , And think us servile Tools at your Command ; No , you shall find that we have so much Wit , To reserve some things never told you yet : Such secret Tricks that with your selves we play , Practis'd in Merchants Cellars ev'ry Day . Since we in managing of Wines know most , You ought to give us the precedent Post. The Vintners to the Coopers thus reply'd , Struting like Turkey-Cocks in all their Pride , Can you , proud Slaves , of us precedence ask , Whose bus'ness chiefly is to Hoop our Cask , Our Vaults and Cellars in due order keep , And watch our Pipes and Butts they do not sweep ? Tho' you 're thus Prodigal , we 'd have you know , Our Station is above , and yours below ; We use no Arts to adulterate our Wine , Or with pernicious Slip-Slops make it fine . We only mix'd together Strong and Small , And gave 'em Natures course to rise and fall . The Coopers , what the Vintners urg'd , deny'd , And in a mighty Passion swore they Ly'd . Just as the swelling Feud thus high was grown , And pointed Words were at each other thrown , The Cryer call'd the Pris'ners to the Bar , The Vintners answer'd , Coming , Coming , Sir. When round the Court the Toping Crew were spread , Their sinful Charge was thus exhibited . May 't please your Lordship — The num'rous throng of Fuddle-Caps , that here Promiscuously before the Bar appear , On others ruine have themselves enrich'd , And with their charming Juice the World bewitch'd . Crowds of poor Mortals in a Year they slew , With base adulterated Stuffs they drew ; Impos'd on Customers when Drunk and Mad , And with good Words wou'd put off Wine that 's bad . If fault , altho' deservedly , was found , They'd tell ye , if they search'd the Cellar round , They have no better , but with all their Heart , Will change it for a strong or smaller sort May please you better , but with some new Name Wou'd bring the cred'lous Bubble back the same , And falsly swear his Pallat is amiss , If he finds fault with such kind Wine as this , For that to please his Taste he 'd broach'd a fresher Piece . Kept Cider in their Vaults with ill Design , Yet vow they never mix but Wine with Wine ; Bought Eggs by Hundreds for their Cellars use , The Yolks made Puddings , but the Whites for Juice . For common Wine , unreasonably would ask Six-Pence the more because 't was in a Flask , Bound with large Wickers , fill'd with heavy Port , Sold for French Claret , wanting of a Quart. And that their Crimes a deeper dye should take , Ingratitude made all their Actions black ; For him wh'amongst 'em his Estate had spent , When Poverty had brought him to repent His Follies past , the Gainers in the end , Would blame him most , and be the least his Friend . Thus , says Hell's Pleader , I my Charge conclude , And to your Lordship leave the Tipling Multitude . The Judge sum'd up , in a short Speech , their Sins , And then the Culprits Doom he thus begins . For Evils done above , from whence you came , Infernal Fevers shall your Souls inflame ; Eternal Drowth upon your Tongues shall dwell , And all be fetter'd near an empty Well ; Fine Rivers at a distance shall you see , Burnt Brandy shall your only Liquor be , And in this State remain to all Eternity . The End of the Second Part. Notes, typically marginal, from the original text Notes for div A67506-e270 * Bailiffs and Hangmen . Notes for div A67506-e9350 * Apothecaries originally Servants to Physicians . 
A67520	----	Sot's paradise, or, The humours of a Derby-ale-house with a satyr upon the ale. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1698 Approx. 16 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67520 Wing W754 ESTC R3048 12309696 ocm 12309696 59343 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67520) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 59343) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 904:46) Sot's paradise, or, The humours of a Derby-ale-house with a satyr upon the ale. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 16 p. [s.n.], London : 1698. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. A satyr Derby-ale: p. 14-15. In verse. Attributed to Edward Ward. cf. BM. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Ale -- Anecdotes Drinking of alcoholic beverages -- Anecdotes Hotels -- England -- Derbyshire -- Anecdotes Bars (Drinking establishments) -- England -- Derbyshire -- Anecdotes Taverns (Inns) -- England -- Derbyshire -- Anecdotes 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-04 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-05 John Latta Sampled and proofread 2003-05 John Latta Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion Sot's Paradise : OR , The HUMOURS of a Derby-Ale-House : WITH A SATYR UPON THE ALE. LONDON , Printed in the Year , 1698. THE PRINTER TO THE READER REader , what e'er the Author truly meant I know not , but he told me his intent Was not to Lampoon , or Reflect on any ; But thro' Necessity he writ , like many , In Pinch-Gut Times , to get the Ready Penny. Suppose ( said I ) you 've anger'd some Bravado , I hate the standing of a Bastinado ? Poh , poh , said he , such Dangers never heed , I 'de such a Cockscomb Redicule indeed , Each Sentence should have Gaul and Venom in 't , Which you , to recompence your Drubs , shall Print : Mortals have oft , to their destruction , found , Poets , like Gods , can at a distance Wound . I thank you Sir ( said I ) such Verse , I doubt , S'But a poor Plaster for a batter'd Snout . He prest the Copy forward , I seem'd shye , Till by these words he brought me to comply . The Characters are random writ , God knows , Slightly dispatch'd ; design'd , like Salesmens Cloaths , For no one in particular , but where They best by chance shall fit , for them to wear Nay then , said I , if any Sot can find His Picture here , and not as his design'd , And Angry be , I 'll hire the Author then , To whet his Wits , and Write as Keen again : Since I can justly say ( to save my Bacon ) I no Offence intend , I pray let none be taken . Sot's Paradise : OR , The HUMOURS of a Derby-Ale-House . WHEN anxious Thoughts my troubled Brains possest , And the wild Hag rid straddling o'er my Breast , Loaded with Sorrow , I pursu'd my rest . My Pockets far too empty were for Wine , That Noble Juice ! That Cordial of the Vine ! By Humane Race so justly held Divine . To ease my Cares I stumbl'd into R — 's , Sots Paradise , so Fam'd of latter days For Derby-Ale , it bears away the Bays . Thro' Entry dark I th' Tippling Mansion saught , Whose close Dimensions rais'd a Jealous thought I 'd been Trappan'd , and in a Mouse-Trap caught . Like Weesel thro' a Cranny thus I crept ; And as he Screams , so I a Murm'ring kept ; Now Paus'd and Swore , then Gropt and forward step'd . Through stumbling craggy Ways the Godly steal To Heaven , whence I concluded , without fail , This narrow Path must lead to Heavenly Ale. But in this Pot-gun Passage did I meet A bulky Sot , who forc'd me to Retreat ; And shot me , like a Pellat , to the Street . I gain'd the Barr by several Essays , Where mourning Widow sat with dolful Face ; And on each Hand a Room , but ne'er a Place . I turn'd to th' Left , and did amongst them squeese , There heard some Belsh , some Fart , and others Sneeze ; Buzzing and Humming like a Hive of Bees . This Room I did for Ease and Cleanness chuse , The Chappel call'd , from having Seats like Pews , Where grizled Sots sit nodding o'er the News . With painful jostling I a Place possest , Sat down , then Belch'd and Farted like the rest , Thump'd with my Fist , and cry'd I broke a Jest. In comes a Female Tapstriss , Pale and Wan , Sod'n with the fumes of what she's Drank and Drawn , Looks worse than the green Girl who wants a Man. Sir do you pleafe , I pray , to have your Ale Drawn New , or with a little dash of Stale : I gave her answer , and she soon turn'd Tail. One sage old Bard next Chimney Nook was got , Fix'd as a Statue , motionless he sat , His Eyes regarding neither Who nor What. This speechless Image most I did admire , No Derby could this Mortal Lump Inspire , Who like Old Puss , sat Purring o'er the Fire . One whim he had was often put in play , By Name salute this Monumental Clay , He Huffs and Puffs , starts up and runs away . Then in thrusts one , strives hard to get a Place ; Witty in Words , and Satyr in his Face , Thus boldly speaks in Dearby-Ales disgrace . Pox on 't , said he , I Yesterday stept in , And drank Nine Tankards to divert my Spleen , It fail'd , and now I 'm come to drink Ninteen . At Squire 's I heard a Beaux so Dant and Sink it , Four Tankards numb'd his Wits , you won'd not think it ; He swore we all are Clod-skul'd Sots who drink it . This much disgruntl'd all the swilling Herd , Who grin'd , and at him enviously star'd , In answer not a Mortal wag'd his Beard . One Gapes , a second Nods , a third he Winks , A fourth he Smoaks , a fifth blows Pipe and Drinks , Not One in Ten that either Talks or Thinks . Thus seldom Speak , unless 't is to complain Of Ptisick , Stone , the Gout , or fome old Pain That grieves them sorely , when the Moon 's i' th' Wain . Here worn-out Sinners at their Ailes repine , . ( The Herd thus sympathetically join ) All Grunting o'er their Hogwash-Ale like Swine . Up rises now and then , a brawny Sot , Before the Fire he turns his Ars about , Hauks up his Flegm , then Spitting staggers out . With me this smoky Clime did not agree , These Sots too Grave were , that 's too Dull , for me ; No Talk is worse than much Loquacity . Willing to take a General Survey , T' observe the Difference in Mortal Clay , I stole from thence , to the next Room made way . This call'd the Bear-Garden , where at a Table I heard , amongst a wild Promiscuous Rabble , More Tongues confus'd then ere were known at Babel . A Beaux repeating to his friend a Novel , Two Lawyers in Dispute began to Cavel , A fifth , with Chalk , was scoring out an Oval . And , being as cunning as a Hocus Pocus , Had laid a Wager with a John a Nokus , He 'd with a Thred and Pins find out the Focus . A Scholar , next , of Batchelor's Degree , Standing four Years at Universitie , Rose up and flung a Witticism at me . I lik'd the Sport , and did retort the same . I hit him Home according to my Aim ; But could not get his Hair Brain'd fury tame So Learn'd he seem'd , so Witty in Discourse , He 'd hold me all the Money in his Purse , Tho'I seem'd Man he 'd prove me but a Horse . I gravely said it did his Skill surpass , And , in return , I instanc'd him a Case Wherein a Scholar prov'd himself an Ass. He smelt a Rat and found he was mistaken , Shut up his Brains , true knowledge had forsaken , And dwindl'd into News to save his Bacon . A little Captain , tho' of great Renown , Cock'd up his Hat swore Zoons and then sate down , Out-chatter'd all the Magpies in the Town . He talk'd of Heros , Hectors , and Bravadoes , Of Gashes , Slashes , Cuts , and Carbanadoes , Of Cannons , Mortars , Bombs and Hand Granadoes . The Valiant Pigmy , eagar to declare His Broils in Taverns , not Exploits in War , Teas'd me with Nonsence more than I could bear . The Dilect he retain'd he learn'd at Nurse , And that his Words might be of greater force ; He tagg'd Each Sentence with an Oath or Curse . A Dapper Blade was Squeez'd among the rest , Who would have made each Word he spoke a Jest Aim'd at much Witt but little he possest . Like Ill Rung Bells he did Confus'dly Nock His Ill Tun'd Words to hammer out a Joak , Whose Tongue out run the Larum of a Clock . This Mortal prov'd a Midnight Magistrate , Who ask's us , Why so dunk , and why so late ? Little in Person , tho' in Office Great . He Huckles much , tho' what by that he means , Let Oldish , Shirley , or such Learned Brains T' inform the World , imploy their Skilful Pens . Next sat a Drone , whose Wits had but a Dull-Edge , His Gravity , and nice Grammatick Knowledge , Spoke him some Senior Cockscomb of a Colledge . He Learned Reasons offer'd unto some , Why Gerounds end in di , in do , or dum , Then grave attention gave , and sat hum Drum. Next him a Spark bedawb'd with Golden Twine , So very Grave , and eke so very Fine , I took him for some Statesman on Design . Some humble Lord , so generously free , Seeking Applause and Popularity , Came here to Court the good Mobility . I turn'd about , and view'd him for a space , No Sword he 'd on , and in his Meen no Grace , Dulness instead of Grandure in his Face . My Judgment er'd , I quickly found its faillure , No Honour in his Speech , in 's Looks no Valour , A Lord , thought I , wounds this must be a Taylor . When e'er he spoke it matter was of fact , So Emphattical his Words and so compact , No Strowling Player could be more exact . Against him Teague , an Irish Barber sat , Who has a Thousand Whimsies in his Pate , Makes Wigs , tunes Bagpipes , does the Lord knows what . By chance , said I , What is 't a Clock I Pray ? After some time he 'd studdy'd what to say , He Answer'd , By me Shoul 't's Shaterday . Each loving each , as truly as a Brother , In all things act alike , Speak , Drink and Smother , Delight , as Monkeys , to Buffon each other . Like the Twin-stars , these two United are . It 's no great matter whether both appear , If you see one , in him the other's there . The Ale at last to these weak Noddles stole , Supply'd the want of Brains in every Skull , And made them Merry , tho' it made me Dull . The Taylor begg'd of his Reverse a Tune , Teague for his Bagpipes sent , and fix'd his Drone , Then Play'd Dundee's Farwel , and Sung O hone . This pleas'd the Mob , and made them hoop and hollow , As when the Brindled Dog against the Fallow Pins down the Bull , and makes him Roar and Bellow . I Teas'd and Tir'd with this Bear-Garden Play , In doleful dumps did for Ten Tankards Pay , And Sick , not Drunk , I homwards steer'd my way . A SATYR UPON Derby-Ale . BASE and Ignoble Flegm , dull DERBY - ALE , Thou canst o'er none but Brainless Sots prevail ; Chokes them if New , and Soure art if Stale . Thou drownst no Care , or do'st thou Elevate ; In stead of quenching Drouth , do'st Drouth create , Makes us dull Sots at an expensive rate . Old English Ale , which Upstart Fops disdain , Brew'd by our Grandsiers , Chear'd the Heart of Man , Quench'd Drouth with pleasure , and prolong'd their Span. But thou ! Poor Slime , thou art not Ale , for why ? Thou neither Cheares the Heart , or Brisks the Eye ; The more we Drink the more we still are Dry. Rare Fat'ning Swill , to Belly up Lean Guest , It feeds a Man in six Months to a Beast , And gives him bulk , for a Church-Ward'n at least . Puff'd up with thee , Dispirited , Debas'd , We into Gray's-Inn reel ( O Pump be prais'd ) There Quench that Drouth thy Treacly Dregs have rais'd . One hearty Draught prepares for Pipe of Funk , Three Tankards whets my Appetite for Punk , Four makes me Sick , but Ten wont make make me Drunk . O'er Nipperkins of thee six Hours I sit , Till spent my Total , and benum'd my Wit , Thus nothing have , and just for nothing fit . Our Wits , or Thoughts , thou never canst advance Above th' Affairs of Poland , or of France , Wounds , thou' rt a Booby to a Cup of Nantes . Thou' rt fit for those who are from Troubles free , Thou Cur'st no Spleen , thou art unfit for me , I'd's live , almost , drink Adam's Ale as thee . Thou mak'st us Fat in little time 't is true , The same will Swins-Flesh and Potatoes do ; They covet Flesh , not Brains , that follow you . Thou Noble Ale ! Mere Caudle , and unfit For Men of Care to drink , or Men of Wit , Poor English Coffee for a plodding Cit. Guzzle for Carmen , Foggy and Unfine , For nothing fit but to Exhaust our Coin ; Water to Brandy , and Small-Beer to Wine . Forgive my drowsy Muse where e'er she nods , She 's not Inspir'd or Tutor'd by the Gods , She Rimes o'er Ale , others o'er Wine , that 's odds . What if you say she 's Dull , it 's no great matter , Gross Muddy Ale 's a heavy Theam for Satyr , Tom Brown be judge , or honest Ben Bridgwater . FINIS . 
A67523	----	Step to Stir-Bitch-Fair with remarks upon the University of Cambridge. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1700 Approx. 51 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67523 Wing W757 ESTC R13160 13314998 ocm 13314998 99020 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67523) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 99020) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 442:10) Step to Stir-Bitch-Fair with remarks upon the University of Cambridge. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 16 p. Printed and sold by J. How ..., London : 1700. Written by Edward Ward. Cf. BM. Advertisement on p. 2. Reproduction of original in British Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in Oxford and Michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet QA standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. After proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. Any remaining illegibles were encoded as <gap>s. Understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of TCP data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. Users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a TCP editor. The texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the TEI in Libraries guidelines. Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng University of Cambridge. Sturbridge Fair. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-05 Judith Siefring Sampled and proofread 2003-05 Judith Siefring Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion A STEP TO Stir-Bitch-Fair : WITH REMARKS UPON THE UNIVERSITY OF CAMBRIDGE . LONDON Printed and Sold by I. How , in the Ram-Head Inn-Yard , in Fanchurch-street , 1700. Books Printed and Sold by J. How , in the Ram-Head-Inn-Yard in Fenchurch-Street ; and by M. Fabian , at Mercers-Chappel . 1. SOt's Paradise : Or the Humours of a Derby-Ale-House : With a Satyr upon the Ale. Price Six Pence . 2. A Trip to Iamaica : With a True Character of the People and Island . Price Six Pence . 3. Ecclesia & Factio . A Dialogue between Bow-Steeple-Dragon , and the Exchange-Grashoper . Price Six pence . 4. The Poet 's Ramble after Riches . With Reflections upon a Country Corporation . Also the Author's Lamentation in the time of Adversity . Price Six pence . 5. A Trip to New-England . With a Character of the Country and People , both English and Indians . Price Six pence . 6. Modern Religion , & Ancient Loyalty : A Dialogue . Price Six Pence . 7. The World Bewitch'd . A Dialogue between two Astrologers and the Author . With Infallible Predictions of what will happen from the Vices and Villanies Practis'd in Court , City , and Country . Price Six pence . 8. A Walk to Islington : With a Description of New Tunbridge-Wells , and Sadler's Musick-House . Price Six pence . 9. The Humours of a Coffee-House : A Comedy . Price Six Pence . 10. A Frolick to Horn-Fair . With a Walk from Cuckold's-Point thro' Deptford and Greenwich . Price Six pence . 11. The Dancing-School . With the Adventures of the Easter-Holy-Days . Price Six pence . 12. The First Volume of the LONDON-SPY : In Twelve Parts . 13. The Second Volume of the LONDON-SPY : In Six Parts . Price Six Pence each ; or they may be had both Volumes Bound together ; and also Bound with the rest of the Authors Writings . 14. The Metamorphos'd Beau , &c. Price Six pence . 15. The English Nun : Or , a Comical Description of a Nunnery . With the Lives and Intrigues of the Priests and Nuns . Price Six Pence . 16. Laugh and be Fat : Or , an Antidote against Melancholy . Containing great variety of Comical Intrigues in Town and Country . To which is added Nine Delightful Tales . Price One Shilling . 17. A Step to the Bath : With a Character of the Place . Price Six Pence . 18. Labour in Vain : Or , what Signifies Little or Nothing , viz. I. The Poor Mans Petition at Court. II. Expectation of Benefit from a Covetous Man in his Life-time . III. The Marriage of an Old Man to a Young Woman . IV. Endeavours to Regulate Mens Manners by Preaching or Writing . V. Being a Iacobite . VI. Confining an Insolvent Debtor . VII . Promise of Secrecy in a Conspiracy . VIII . An Enquiry after a Place . 19. The Reformer . Exposing the Vices of the Age : In several Characters . viz. 1. The Vitious Courtier . 2. The Debauch'd Parson . 3. The Factious Hypocrite . 4. The Precise Quaker . 5. The Covetous Miser . 6. The Prodigal Son. 7. The City Letcher . 8. The Insatiate Wife . 9. The Amorous Maid . 10. The Beau Apprentice . 11. The City Mob . 12. The Country Squire . 20. The Rambling Rakes : Or , London Libertines . Price Six Pence . 21. The Insinuating Bawd : And Repenting Harlot . Price Six-pence . A STEP TO STIR-BITCH-FAIR . HAVING heard much of the Fame of Stir-Bitch-Fair , where Vice , Merchandise , and Diversion , draw the Cambridge-Youth , London-Traders , Lyn-Whores , and abundance of Ubiquitarian-Strolers , into a promiscuous Assembly , all contributing something to either the Pleasure or Profit of one another ; some coming to spend Money , others to get it : The Promotion of their Interest , or the pleasing of their Senses being the two chief Ends , I suppose , which collect such Numbers of Mankind together from their sundry scatter'd Habitations : I resolv'd , since the Season of the year prov'd Dry and Pleasant , to make a short visit to Cambridge , and withal to take a compleat survey of this its Neighbouring and Renown'd Fair , of which I had often heard many remarkable and pleasant Stories . In pursuance of this my Design , I gave earnest for a Place in the Stage-Coach , and the next Morning having Lin'd my Pockets , and bundled up a sufficient Quantity of Linnen to refresh me for the Fortnight , I took a Hackney Wheel-about for Expeditions sake to the Green-Dragon within Bishopsgate , where our Travelling Conveniency stood ready to receive me : But by that time I got thither , the Countrey Tub-driver began to be impatient , all the Company but my self being already come , and had taken up their Stations in the Dirty , Lumbering , Wooden Hovel , being more in shape like a Tobacco-Hogshead than a Coach , Bellying out in the Boudge like the Stern of a Dutch Fly-Boat ; and was built more for Burthen , and the Horses Ease , than to commode Travellers . The rest of the Company being most of 'em pretty Burly , had made a Shift to leave me a Nook in the Back part of the Coach , not much wider than a Chair for a jointed Baby ; I nessled , and I squeez'd and drew in my sides like a fat Man going thro' a narrow Stile , till with much ado I had wedg'd in my Buttocks between the side of the Coach and the Hip of a bouncing Blowsabella , who sat next me . Thus labouring as hard as ever did furious Lover to riggle himself in between the knees of a coy Mistress . When I had thus by Storm and a great deal of Fatigue , taken my Place , which notwithstanding the troublesome coming at it , I had before paid for , I sat with Patience upon Force , crowded up like a great Plumb in the Corner of a Minc'd-Pye . But before many Minutes were spent , our brawny Storm-beaten Carrion-Flogger , whose empty Noddle was arm'd against the Weather , with a Leather-Cap as thick as a Church-Bucket , drew up his Flounder-mouth like a Hens Fundament ; and with a cherrup or two , and an Enlivening Slash , away scower'd the half Dozen of thin Gutted Titts , with a Crowd of Sinners at their Arses , as if the Devil drove 'em : Our Booted Caravan , almost as big as the Belly of the Trojan-Horse , being bound down so strictly to it 's good Behaviour , that it had no more sway when we came over a Kennel , than St. Sepulchers Steeple has when the Colledge Youths are ringing in it : Whilst we at every swog , neaded our Elbows in one anothers sides , till I had the ill Fortune to so raise an old Gentlemans Spleen , that he Grind and Snarld like a Towzer at a Bone when a strange Dog is near him , being ready to bite my Nose off , having given his Corns a jostle I suppose , that put him under an uneasiness beyond the Patience of his Years , which seem'd to be attended with a Peevish Temper and many Infirmities . In a little time we got oft the Stones , and had done Cursing of the Pavier ; and then began to swim as easily along the Road as a Graves-end Barge in Fair Weather , tho' wedg'd as close in one by another as a Barrel of Red-Herrings , or Wheat-Ears in a Tunbridge-Pye . I now took the Liberty to examine into my Company , consisting of five Women , a sucking Child , the old Gentleman , and my self . Two of our Ladies I discover'd by their Talk were Sempstresses , the third a Perfumers Widow , the fourth a Fatherless Parsons Daughter , and the fifth I imagin'd , was carrying down an Unwelcome Fairing , the Child , to some unfortunate Cantabridgian , who when he was last in London , answer'd the end of his Creation a little unadvisedly , and left his Image behind ' im . The Old Gentleman , I understood by his Talk , having a Son at St. Iohn's Colledge , whose unruly Appetites were a little too powerful for the Weak Discretion of his Junior Years to keep under a regular Subjection , was going down in order ( by his Paternal Authothority ) to restrain him , if it were possible , from the Vices and Debaucheries incident to the Fair. I began to consider with my self the inequality of the Number of the Female Sex , was likely to make it a Chargeable Journey to the old Man and I , unless I could handsomly project some Passible means to slip my Neck out of the Chollar , which I did in a great Measure after the following Method . When a little accidental Mirth and Frothy Prittle-Prattle had begun our Acquaintance , and begot a little Familiarity amongst one another , I began to tell 'em a Story , wherein I introduc'd it as a Custome in English Travelling , that the Majority of either Sex us'd to treat the lesser Number of the other ; but however , being unwilling to put so heavy a Task upon such a Number of so pritty Ladies , tho scarce one was handsome enough to be a Concubine to a Black-a-moor , I thought it was very Reasonable for the Old Gentleman and I to take one apiece of 'em under our Protection ; and that those whom Fortune should exclude from Enjoying the Benefit should have no reason to be Angry , they should draw Cuts among themselves , to determine who should be Entit'led to the Advantage , which the wanton Titts very merrily consented to ; but the old Testy Curmudgion having little Generosity in his Looks , and less in his Heart , seem'd to be very much out of Humour I had made so expensive a Proposal , and very peevishly expressed the following Words , viz. Marry let them Treat 'em that most wanted a return of their Favours , as for his part he was grown Old and past it : Why , sure Father , said I , if you were never so Old , you might wish a good thing well . But I 'll engage , said I , you are able to do Business still , if you would but give your mind to 't . Not I , reply'd the surly Cuff , shaking his Head , but whispering in my Ear , says he , I 'd give five Hundred Pounds I could . However at last we droll'd the old Love-Penny into a Compliance , and the Women drew Lots ; which , for a Shift , the willing Creatures made of Whale-Bone they pluck'd out of their Stomachers . Upon the decision of the matter , the homeliest Pugnancy amongst 'em fell to my Lot , and Fortune favour'd the Old Fumbler with the Youngest and Handsom'st , which infus'd such a Juvenal Spirit into my Grandsire , that he grew as Frothy , and as Brisk , as a Bottle of small-Beer at Mid-summer ; Snapping his Middle-Finger and Thumb at every word , as loud as a pair of Castinets , entertaining his Mistress with a Song in excuse of his Age , part of which I remember to recite , viz. SONG . Tho' I am an Old Man , I have Wealth and Riches ; And besides Money , I 've something in my Breeches : And dare to hold a Young Man , a Guinea to a Shilling , I can please a Young Wench , if she be but willing . By this time our diminutive Fellow Traveller , the swadled Infant ; began by his shrill Squales , more frightful to a Petticoat-Sinner , than a Sow-Gelders Horn to a gelt Mungril , to show very terrible Signes of a Lamentable uneasiness ; upon which , the indulging Mother , tender of her hopeful Progeny ( after she had try'd Hush , my dear Creature , Lull-a-by , and the Bubby , but without Effect ) guess'd rightly the disaster that attended the poor Innocent , and began like a careful Nurse , to examine whether any Signes of good Luck had drop'd from the Childs Bumfiddle ; and upon strict enquiry found the Baby had broke his twatling strings , to the great offence of the Nostrils of the whole Company , insomuch that I , for want of being accustom'd to the Infirmities of Children , was more than ordinary Squeamish , and to aviod the Sight of the gilded double clout , as well as the Scent of those Odoriferous Effluvia's that arose from the Sower Grounds of the leaky Runlet ; I popp'd out my Head out of one of the Coach Windows , for the Benefit of the Air , and rid for a Mile , as if I had sat Barrel'd up in a Gold-finders Caravan ; with my Head out of the Bung-hole ; so that between the two extreams of Age and Infancy , we past away the Time till we came to Ware ; where we put in at the Sign of the English Champion , who redeem'd the Maid from the Jaws of the Dragon , to give Nature the refreshment of a Dinner , and to ease our tired Limbs from that Numbness incident to those cripling Postures , the Number of our Company forc'd us to sit in ; in this Inn stands the great Bed of Ware , talk'd of as much among the Citizens , who seldom Travel beyond the bounds of the home Circuit ; as the Gigantick greatness of the Herodian Colossus , or the Magnitude of the Trojan Horse , are amongst the Sober Enquirers into lost Antiquities . The Extravagant largeness of this Bed is very much wonder'd at , by all that see it , being wide enough to lodge a Troop of Soldiers , with the assistance of a Trundle-Bed ; in the same Room hangs a great pair of Horns , upon which ( insisting upon an old Custom ) they Swear all new Comers ; the form of the Oath being something Comical , and withal very Antient , I have presented it to the Reader , hoping if it be not valuable for its Wit , it may be for it's Antiquity . Take Care thou do'st thy self no wrong , Drink no small Beer when thou hast Strong ; And further do thy self this Right , Eat no Brown Bread if thou hast White ; And if the Mistress thou can'st Bed , Besure thou do'st not kiss the Maid . Show not thy Wife thy utmost Strength , Nor let her know thy Purses Length ; Never be Bonnd for any Friend , But rather far thy Money Lend ; For thou wilt find 't is better he Should break or be undone , than thee ; Trust no Man that is Proud and Poor , Vnless thou wilt forgive the Score ; For he will neither Pay nor own , The Kindness thou to him hast shown ; Be just and grateful to thy Friend , 'T will make thee happy in the end ; But if thy self and thine thou d'st save , Take Care thou deal'st not with a Knave : Trust not thy Wife , tho' near so good , With no Man but thy Self abroad . For if thou do'st , e'er she returns , Thy Forehead may be deck'd with Horns : What I have said do thou retain , So Kiss the Horns , and say , Amen . After this very Useful and Cautionary Oath had been administed ot several of our Company , and among the rest my self ; our Twelve-pence a piece was exacted , for the Benefit of the rest of our Fellow-Travellers , who had been accustom'd to the Road ; which Fine we were forc'd to submit to , or undergo the Ridicule of the whole House , for the Ill-natur'd breach of an Old Custom . This Ceremony being ended , and the usual dues Collected , and brought in , in such sundry sorts of Liquor as might please every Bodies Pallat , spur'd on by our Appetites , we began to enquire what sorts of Provisions they either had in the House , or intended for our Dinners ? To which the Master answer'd , The only thing that the Town was fam'd for , was Eels ; in the ordering of which they had so compleat a Knowledge , they would undertake to dress 'em as many several ways as ever a French Cook did a Feast of Frogs , or a Dutch Skipper a Dish of Pickl'd Herrings . And it happening so Fortunately , that every one of our Company being great Lovers of this Fish ; we readily united in one Opinion , and order'd that our Dinner might be all Eeles , desiring the Cook might serve us up with as great variety of this Slippery Food , as her utmost Skill in the useful Art of Cookery would give her Leave ; without further directing her to any particularities , but left her wholly to her own Freedom and Discretion in the Business ; which indeed she manag'd so well to her Masters Interest , and to the Companies Satisfaction , that I believe never was a a parcel of Mud-worms serv'd up to the Table of an Epicure , and render'd more pleasing to the Pallat , with such variety of Sawces , or made fit for the Stomach by such sundry Stratagems , as were us'd in the industrious Coquination of these our slimy Eatables ; Besides , the ordinary ways of Boyling , Frying , Baking , Stewing , Roasting , and Toasting ; we had 'em Coddl'd , Parboil'd , Sows'd Dows'd , and the Devil and all . When we had Plentifully Feasted on our Fish , like so many Cormorants , and wound up our Dinner as decency requires , with a short Thankigiving , we call'd for a Bill to inform us what we had to pay ; accordingly one was brought , wherein more particulars were inserted , than ever were found in a Taylors Debt-Book , or a Boatswain's Catalogue of Materials , for the new rigging of a Vessel ; which sum'd up , came as exactly to half a Crown , a Head , and Twelve-pence for the Cook , as if the Master himself , had been well Skil'd in Arithmetical Proportion , and knew well upon Expedition how to prevent Fractions in a reckoninig ; tho' we told 'em we thought our selves a little unreasonably dealt with ; yet they so very much insisted on the extraordinary Trouble we had put 'em to ; that they Talkatively prevented any manner of Abatements , only the Master very Politickly presented us with a Dram a piece of right French Brandy , to wash away the grumbling in our Gizards , that we might not report to his Prejudice the hardness of our Usage . We all now had recourse again to our Countrey Vehicle , where we restated our selves in our former Misery ; and underwent the Pennance of being cramm'd as close as Potted Pdigeons , till we came to Puckeridge ; where the Coach-man only call'd , to wash the Dust out of his Mouth , and supply his Salival Ducts with a little Moisture , which might well become Drowthy , with his talking to his Horses , upon whom he vented as much Spleen , Passion , and Flagellation , as ever did peevish Pedagogue upon a dozen of Block-heads , who had neither Wit nor Memory . All that was remarkable here , was an Ax which they show'd us , kept as sharp and as bright , as if it were whetted as often as their Knives , or scowerd as often as their Handirons ; this antiquated Weapon , as they tell you , had the Honour of cutting off some great Mans Head , but who , or upon what Account , they are at a great Loss to inform you . From thence we jog'd on , till we came to our Evenings Stage , a Town call'd Barley ; where we put into an Inn , distinguished by the Name of Old Pharaoh , which Title it acquir'd from a Stout Elevating Malt-Liquor under the same Name , for which it has long been famous . This Inn is kept not only by a Female , but according to her own report , and the Belief of her Neighbours , a Maid too ; and of such a Herculean Proportion , that had she been in the same Jeopardy with the Virgin of Old , she would have been able to have made her Party good with the Dragon ; and if the English Champion had lent his assistance to the weakest side , which I am sure must have been the Monster , I am certain she 'd have prov'd strong enough to have beat St. George into the Bargain . Here our Entertainment was very good , tho' not so cheap as to be attended with no Fault ; here we heartily enjoy'd the true English Pleasure of Substantial Eating , and supply'd that Emptiness , the slippery Eels had left in our Stomachs , with well-fed Mutton , and fat Fowles , which we wash'd down with old Pharaoh , till we made our selves as merry as Bumpkins at a Harvest home , till the Women like true Gossips over their Liquor , began to let their Tongues run as fast as the quickest Division of Tollets Ground , quarrelling about the uneasiness of one anothers places in the Coach , as if their Bumfiddles had been gaul'd by the hardness of their Seats ; whilst indeed I heartily wish'd their Tongues in the same Condition . Our bouncing Maiden-Landlady to show a peculiar respect to us the Company of the Coach , which I suppose , she esteem'd as generally her most profitable Guests , oblig'd us with her Company , not only to Supper , at which according to old custom , she compos'd her Dutch-built Stern into a sedential Posture at the Upper end of the Table , but also honour'd us after with a great deal of her Blunt Conversation , which was very pleasant , and consequently acceptable ; entertaining us with a great many merry Stories , one of which I thought more particularly diverting , and being manag'd by her self , and Transacted in her own House , I think it worth the Reciting . About the middle of this last Summer , a couple of jolly Country Parsons were coming up to Town , mounted upon Roan and Sorrel , with their Wives behind 'em , and chanc'd in the close of the Evening to put into old Pharaoh , and Inn there for the Night ; the House happening to be full of Travellers , insomuch that the best Rooms were before taken up , had but one Chamber to spare , wherein there were two Beds , which the Parsons rather than to go further and fare worse , consented to accept of ; Ordering a couple of Fowls to be laid down to the Fire , it being difficult for a Priest to rest quietly that Night he goes to Bed without Roastmeat for his Supper , says our Maiden Landlady ; they all being hot with riding , and half choak'd with the Dust upon the road , call'd plentifully for old Pharaoh , which their Wives seem'd highly to approve on , complaining greatly they had met with but indifferent Liquor thro'-out all their Journey , till they had happily arriv'd at Barly , upon which , says she , one of the Parsons Punn'd upon the Name of the Town , after the following manner : Good Barly makes good Mault , Good Mault makes this good Liquor ; Which has no other Fault , Vnless it 's so strong , 'T will Fuddle e'er long , Both me and my Brother Vicar . Thus they diverted themselves , till their Supper was ready , to which they sat down with as chearful looks , and keen appetites , as if it were a Parish Feast , and what ever they had Eat and Drank , should have been on free-cost ; when they had about half done , they remembred to invite their Hostess to participate , who having a huge Spirit , as I found by her telling the Story , in proportion to the Bulkiness of her Body , was so highly disgusted , that after a slighting manner , she refus'd their unmannerly kindness , resolving , as I suppose , to be even with 'em in the Reck'ning . When Supper was over , and the two Parsons had cast up Cross or Pile who should return thanks for the good Creature ; the two good Wives after they had drank a Grace-cup , were desirous to go to Bed ; the Parsons at this time having a greater kindness for the Liquor , than for their Helpmates Company , had a mind to sit up a little longer , and considering Tobacco to be a good Emblem of the World's vanity and instability , were resolved to Moralize over one peremptory Pipe , and a comfortable Cup or two of Coroborating Old Pharaoh : Upon which their Ladies being equally tir'd with the Fatigue of their Journey , retir'd to their Chamber without their Husbands , with a Female Chamberlain to attend 'em , who put them in their several Beds , set the Recepticles of the Night in order , wish'd them good Rest , and bid them farewel till the next Morning . Our Maiden Landlady about half an hour after , having an indispensable occasion for something in the same Room , went up Stairs , open'd the Chamber Door , intending to excuse her self to the Levites Bedfellows , but found 'em both refreshing their weary Limbs with Natures kindest Medicament , a sound Sleep , which immediately put a Project into her Head , to draw the two Priests into an ignorant Breach of the Ninth Commandment , and make 'em the reciprocal Authors of one anothers Cuckoldom , without knowing any thing of the matter , till 't was too late for prevention ; in order to effect this Design , she changes the places of their Garments , putting the Cloaths of the one Parsons Wife , to the Bed-side of the other , and shutting the Door after her , came down Stairs , growing very Merry and Jocund with her Canonical Guests , which occasion'd 'em to inflame their Bodies with a Pot or two extraordinary . When thus their own Wills had measur'd out to their Appetites a sufficient Quantity , they were lighted up to Bed , and coming into the Chamber , fearing to wake their Wives were very hush , ordering the Chamberlain to go down Stairs , for they needed not his Assistance ; the Curtains being Drawn , and the Parsons having an Eye on their Wives Cloaths , chose their Beds by the Apparrel that lay by 'em , examining no further for a better Information , but to Bed they went. The Landlady Lodging herself that Night in the next Room , which nothing but a Thin Wainscote parted , on Purpose to satisfie her self how her Project took , and what Event it would produce in the Morning . No sooner had the Priests laid aside the Robes of Divinity , and were Cumbent in their Feathers , but the Power of Old Pharaoh , and the warmth of their Wives together , began to operate on both Parties , and something was done , says my Landlady , which , tho' I 'm a Maid , I cannot chuse but guess at : All things going smoothly on till Break of Day without discovery , about five a Clock in the Morning one of the Parsons opening the Curtains to guess at the time of Day , happens to espy his Neighbours Wife instead of his own , and hearing his Brother Priest ( who had not been Marry'd above a Month ) very busy in the next Bed. Hold , hold , Neighbour , says he , have a care what you do ; pray G — d send we are not mistaken ; I doubt you have my Goods there , however it came about , for I 'm sure I have that by me that 's none of my own . The other who had much the younger and Prettier Wife : Tears open the Curtains , and finds it too true to make a Jest on , Leaps out of Bed , which the other did also , and so chang'd into their proper Places . The Parsons enquiring amongst themselves what could be the meaning of this strange mistakes , could account it to nothing but an agreement of their Wives to change Bed-fellows ; which the Women being Innocent deny'd , with all satisfactory : Protetestations ; so that what to make on 't they could not Imagine , but drest themselves and went down Stairs , having no way left but to make the best of a bad Market . When they came into the Kitchen , my Landlady bid 'em good Morrow , hop'd they rested well all Night , and ask'd if they 'd be pleas'd to have a Cup of the old Liquor and a Toast for their Mornings Draught , No , no , says one of the Heavenly Guides very angerly , Pharaoh was a good King , but your Pharaoh is wicked Liquor , it had like to have rais'd a dispute between my Friend and I this Morning , about pulling one anothers Boots on . Indeed Husband , says the oldest and the wisest of he Wives , I vow it was a very pleasant mistake , howsoever it happen'd . Hush , ( says the Parson ) Wife remember this , Words are not well , in things that ●are amiss . Meeting with nothing further that was remarkable at Old Pharoah's , when we had refresh'd our Bodies with a Nights repose ; in the Morning , after we had lin'd our Carcasses with a good Breakfast , to keep the Fogs from oftending our Stomachs , we set forward on our Journey , and proceeded without any thing remarkable , till we came to Saffron-Walden , so call'd from the great Quanties of that most excellent Flower that grows there so valu'd by Physicians for it's admirable Vertues in abundance of Distempers , being held to be one of the greatest Cordials the whole Universe produces , it is said the Yellow Jaundise is never incident to the Inhabitants of this Place , against which lazy Distemper , this true English Medicine is so infallibly Efficacious , that let a Person but Ride thro' the Town who is under this disorder , and the Effluvias that arise from their Saffron-Gardens , shall fill the Air with such a Salubrious Quality , that the Odoriferous Breath you suck into your Nostrils , shall prove an effectual Cure , for not only the afore-mentioned , but many other Distempers ; as for my own part , I found my self so enliven'd with the Fumes , which I snush'd up as we pass'd thro' , that a stale Maid after the Loss of her Virginity , or a clear'd Culprit , who has just knock'd off his Shackles , could not be more Frollicksome and Gay , than I found my self ; which I may justly ascribe to the great Influence of this Golden-colour'd Product , which is of a Nature so good , that Physicians themselves allow it can scarce be us'd amiss . From thence we jogg'd on about a Mile , at which distance from Saffron Walden , stood a famous Pile of Stone Building , called Audley-End , of which I had often heard , but never till this time had amaz'd my Eyes with such a stupendious Structure , which seem'd to me to be a great City , with the License of a Traveller , almost as big as London within the Walls , if you take Gardens and all , and for ought I know , I shall not enlarge so much as to need your Pardon for it . This Magnificent Edifice was first rais'd by an Ancestor of the Earl of Suffolk , and sold afterwards to King Charles ; the Magnitude of this House is reported to be such , that 't is a Days Work for a running Footman to open and shut the Windows that appertain thereto ; and that there is one Gallery in it , of such a vast length , that if you beat a Drum at one end , it shan't be loud enough to fright away a Mouse at the other ; nor are we able to distinguish at the same distance a Hog from a Dog , without a spying Glass . It 's a House fit only for a Prince , and to be maintain'd and upheld at a National Charge , for it 's almost large enough to Beggar the Country it stands in , to keep it in repair . It is situated in a valley at the Bottom of a Hill , and has Water enough comes down in the Winter to drown it , if Care by Drains and Aquaducts , were not taken to prevent it , 'T is a useless Vanity , sprung up from abundance of Riches , rais'd more for wonder than for use ; and serves rather as a Monument of the Donor's Pride and Greatness , than his Wisdom and Liberality ; for to spend one half of an Estate in a Building , that would ruine the remainder to keep it in Repair , either shows that a Man knows not well what he does , or that he has more Money than he knows well what to do with ; or else that he was mindful to do a vain thing with his Treasure , the better to show the World the Vanity of Riches . From thence we scower'd along an Asses Gallop , now and then plagu'd with a terrifying Lesson from our little Humane Bagpipes , meeting with nothing remarkable till we came within four Mile of Cambridge , at which distance the top of Kings Colledge Chappel was discernable , appearing in a Figure resembling a Cradle , and by Travellers is so call'd ; which happen'd to draw into my Noddle , the following scrap of Poetry . Old Cambridge brings forth Men of Learning and Parts , Dame Natures dark Laws to unriddle ; And Since she 's the Midwife of Science and Arts , 'T is fit she be known by a Cradle . When from thence we had travel'd about three Mile further , we came to a small Village call'd Trumpington , a Mile on this side Cambridge . This Town is not a little famous for two great Conveniences it affords the young Scholars of the University , for here the fresh Men first learn to be good Companions , and afterwards when in Orders , practise to be good Preachers ; for here they commonly Drink their first merry cup with their Friends after their initiation , and generally deliver their first Sermon when Qualified by the Bishop for the Ministerial Function ; as we pass'd thro' Trumpington , where the Scholars at their leisure hours , are some or other of 'em usually refreshing themselves ; we saw several Black Gowns pop in and out of the little Country-hovels , like so many Black Rabbits in a Warren , bolting out of their Coney-Burroughs ; I have some reason to be jealous , the Name of this Place was Originally given it for no good , but rather from some wild Schollars , who being Libidiously given , had usual recourse thither , and kist the Wenches till they Farted again , from whence , as some Sages conjecture , in process of time , it gain'd the Name Trumping-Town . Where Women , doubtless , are possest , Of Faculties discerning ; Since they ( kind Souls ) so oft are Blest , With Men of Parts and Learning . One Pulpit's Common to the Gown , For Teachers to be seen in ; But they have Numbers in the Town , Where Preachers oft have been in . All standing stifly to their Text , Till clear'd the Point most fairly ; Whilst those they ' nstruct are never vext , But when they 've done too Early . The next place we arriv'd at , was our Journeys-end , Cambridge ; where Black and Purple Gowns were stroling about Town , like Parsons in a Country Metropolis , during the Bishops visitation ; Some looking with as meagre Countenances , as if in search of the Philosophers-Stone , they had study'd themselves into an Hypocondriack Melancholly ; other 's seeming so profoundly thoughtful , as if in pursuance of Agrippa's Notions they were studying how to raise Sparagrass from Rams-Horns , or to produce a Homunculus as Gardeners do Pumpkins , by burying the Semen in a Dunghil ; some looking as Plump and as Jolly as a painted Bacchus bestriding a Canary Butt ; smiling as he past by , at his own Soliloquies , as if he was muttering over to himself some Bacchanalian Ode , he had conceiv'd in Praise of good Clarret ; others seeming as Sottishly Sorrowful as if they were Maudlin Fuddl'd , and lamenting the Misfortune of poor Anacreon , who Choak'd himself with a Grape-Stone ; some strutting along about Eighteen years of Age , in new Gown and Cassock , as if they had receiv'd Orders about two hours before , and were the next Morning to have Institution and Induction , to become the hopeful Guide of a whole Parish ; and here and there one appearring so Rakishly Thoughtless , as if Nature , by his empty Looks , had design'd him to grind Mustard , or pick Mushrooms for some Noble-Mans Kitchen ; tho' his Parents , in Opposition to his destiny , resolv'd to make him a Scholar . As for the Town it self , it was so abominably dirty , that Old-street in the middle of a Winters Thaw , or Bartholomew-Fair after a Shower of Rain , could not have more occasion for a Scavenger , than the miry Street of this famous Corporation ; and most of them so very narrow , that should two Wheel-barrows meet in the largest of their Thorough-fares , they are enough to make a stop for half an hour before they can well clear themselves of one another , to make room for Passengers . After the Coach had set me down , and I had taken a fair Leave of my Fellow-Travellers , I walk'd about to take a more compleat survey both of the Town and University . The Buildings in many parts of the Town were so little and so low , that they look'd more like Hutts for Pigmies , than Houses for Men ; and their very Shop-keepers seem'd to me to be so well-siz'd to their Habitations , that they appear'd like so many Monkeys in their Diminutive Shops mimicking the Trade of London . Amongst the rest of the Pomps and Vanities of this Wicked Corporation , there is one very famous Inn , distinguish'd by the Sign of the Devils Lap-dog in Petty-Cury , here I went to refresh my self with a Glass or two of Canary ; where I found an Old grizly Curmudgion , Corniferously Wedded to a Plump , Young , Brisk , Black , Beautiful , good Landlady , who I afterwards heard had so great a kindness for the Uniniversity , that she had rather see two or three Gown-men come into her House , than a Cuckoldly Crew of Aldermen in all their Pontificalibusses ; and indeed I had reason to believe there was no love lost , for the Scholars crept in as fast and as slily , for either a Kiss , a kind Look , or a Cup of Comfort , as Hogs into an Orchard after a High-wind , or Flys into Pigsauce , for the sake of the Sugar ; I lik'd my pretty Hostess so wonderfully well , and was so greatly Delighted with the pleasant Conversation I met with in the House , that I determin'd with my self to make this my place of residence during my continuance in the Town , so bespeaking a Bed , I afterwards took a Walk in order to view the University , of which I shall proceed to give you a sober and Concise Description . The Colledges stand without side the Town , which in plain Terms is a Corporation of Ignorance , hem'd round with Arts and Sciences , a Nest of Fools , that dwell on the Superfluities of the Learned , an ingrateful Soil where the Seeds of Generosity are daily scatter'd , but produce nothing in return but the Wicked Weeds of Unthankfulness and Ingratitude . Of Learned Societies there are in all Sixteen , twelve Colledges , and four Halls ; the most Magnificent of which , being that of Trinity , whose spacious Quadrangle , and commodious Library remain without comparison , the Scholars of this Foundation are distinctly Habited , in Purple Gowns ; the rest of the Universitie wearing Black , agree in one and the same Mode . The next piece of Building more particularly Remarkable , is Kings-Colledge Chappel , Founded by Henry the Sixth , and is greatly fam'd by all Men of Judgment , for it 's admirable Architecture , much after the manner of Henry the Seventh's Chappel at Westminster , if not finer and larger . The rest of the Colledges , except St. Iohn's ( which has been Beautified and Enlarg'd of late years ) wear the Faces of great Antiquity , and tho' they are not so fine as those which have had the Advantage of a Modern improvement , yet the rust of their Aged Walls , and Obsoleteness of their Structure , procure Veneration from all Spectators , and seem'd to me more noble in their Ancient Uniformity , than others disagreeable enlarg'd with additional Novelties . In short , the Colledges are so Splendid , the Government so Regular , the Orders so Strict , the Ceremonies so Decorous , and the Preferments so Honourable , that in all Europe it is not excel'd by any University except Oxford . Having thus feasted my Eyes with a general view of the Colledges , I retir'd to my Inn , where I repos'd my self after a good Supper , till the next Morning , which proving fine and Pleasant , I took a Walk to Stir-Bitch-Fair , tho' for the expence of 3 d. I might have been accommodated with the Conveniency of a London Hackney , who at this Season bring Passengers from London and ply there for the Fortnight , carrying Tag , Rag , and Bobtail , for the aforesaid price , provided they have as many as will fill their Coach ; but for Eighteen-pence a Scholar and his Mistress may have a running Bawdy-house to themselves , draw up their Tin Sashes , pink'd like the Bottom of a Cullender , and hug one another as private as they please , obscur'd from the wandring Eyes of all observing Passengers . I had not walk'd above half a Mile from Cambridge towards the Fair , but I came to a renown'd Village which by all reports very deservedly has gain'd the Ignominious Epithet of Bawdy-Barnwel , so call'd from the Numerous Brothel-Houses it contains for the Health , Ease , and Pleasure of the Learned Vicinity , and has had so ancient a Reputation for Sacrificing it's Female Off-spring thro' many Ages , to the Use and Service of the Neighbouring Societies , that there has not been a Maiden-head known in the Town at Sixteen years of Age , since the time of King Henry the first , in whose Reign Cambridge was new Model'd into an University . Besides the Women of this place have such a Love for the Scholars , and hatred for the Townsmen , that a Batchelour of Arts , shall have more favour for a Distick of English Verses , in praise of Simple Fornication , than the best Tradesmen thro' out the Corporation shall find for an Ounce of Sterlin . From thence I march'd forward till I came to the Fair , where I beheld such a Number of Wooden Edifices , and such a Multitude of Gentry , Scholars , Tradesmen , Whores , Hawkers , Pedlars , and Pick-pockets , that it seem'd to me like an Abstract of all sorts of Mankind , drawn into a lesser Body , to show the World in Epitomy : At first I came to the Proctors-Booth , wherein he keeps an Arbitrary Court to Punish , as the Learned Divan shall think fit , all Misdemeanors touching the Scholars , from whence there can be no Appeal ; and near to this is held another Wooden Court of Justice on the Behalf of the Corporation , where his Worshipful Bulkiness the Mayor , sits to determine all such Matters as concern his Authority , assisted with the cornuted Elders of the Town , who are ready to lend a Horn upon occasion , to help the Head of their Superiour in all cases of difficulty . A little beyond these , lay vast Quantities of Hops , brought in from the adjacent Countreys ; which made me at first conceive the Cantabrigians to be indefatigable Topers of Malt Liquor , if the Town could consume a the in Tythe Twelve-month of what I beheld in Bags , which upon second consideration I imagin'd might be as well bought up by our London Merchants , and therefore ought to beg Cambridg's Pardon for thinking it guilty of such excessive Inebriety From thence I turn'd to the left , by the River side , where my Nostrils were Saluted with such a Saline Savoury Whiff , as if I had been walking in a dry Fish-mongers shop in Thames-street ; at last I came into a Dutch Market of red and pickled Herrings , Salt-fish , Oysters , Pitch , Tar , Soap , &c. Next these a parcel of Wooden Trumpery , rang'd in as much order , as a Cup-board of Plate , where Bacchanalian Students may furnish themselves with Punch-Bowles , agreeable to their own Bibacity , Sot's supply themselves with Cans , sizable to their own Humours , and Beggars accommodate themselves with Spoons and Porridge-Dishes of any Dimension , suitable to their own Appetites . Adjoyning to this place , stand about a Dozen of Sutlers boozing-Kens , distinguished by the Name of the Lyn-Booths ; the good People that keep 'em being Inhabitants of that Town , and have so fair a Reputation for the foul practise of Venery , that their sinful Hovels have always maintain'd the Character of being notorious Bawdy-Houses ; the Scholars , to encourage the old Trade of Basket-making , have great resort to these Up-tail Accademi●s , where they are often presented with a Lyn Fairing , which brings 'em to thin Jaws , and a Month or two's spare diet , as a pennance for a minutes Titilation ; giving many of 'em reason to say with a Scholar under the same Affliction , who being at Chappel whisper'd to his Chamber-fellow , Chum , Chum , tho' I have the Word of God in my Mouth , to tell thee the Truth on 't , I have a Lyn Devil in my Breeches . From these Booths I went strait up a Hill , and came into a very handsome street call'd Garlick-Row , where the slit-deal Tenements were occupy'd by Sempstresses , Perfumers , Milleners , Toy-men , and Cabinet-makers ; and is chiefly frequented by Powder'd ▪ Beau's , Bushy Wig'd Blockeads , Country Belfa's , and Beautiful Bury Ladies ; the latter of which being as commendable for their good Nature , as remarkable for their Prettiness , are attended with such Crowds of Dutchified Fops , with their Hats under their Arms , and their Hands in their Pockets , Bowing and Cringing with such Flexible Submission to each Proud Enchantress , as if their Backs were made of Whalebone ; which brought into my Mind the following Distich of my Lord Rochesters , in which if I alter one Word , for decency's sake , I hope the Reader will excuse it . So a Proud Minx does lead about , Of Humble Curs the Am'rous Rout. This Place terminates in a Place call'd originally Cooks-Row , but now more properly Cuckolds-Row , from the great Number of Booksellers that are now crept into Possession of their Greasinesses Division ; this Learned part of the Fair is the Schollars chief Rendezvouz , where some that have Money come to buy Books , whilst othes who want it , take 'em slily up , upon Condition to pay if they 're catch'd , and think it a Pious piece of Generosity , to give St. Austin or St. Gregory Protection in a Gown Sleeve till they can better provide for ' em . Here the most famous Auctioneer of all Great as well as Little Britain , sells Books by the Hammer , and gives the Scholars as merry an Entertainment , as a Mountebank and his Andrew . Here 's an Old Author for you , Gentlemen , you may Iudge his Antiquity by the Fashion of his Leather-Iacket ; herein , is contain'd , for the Benefit of you Scholars , the Knowledge of every thing ; written by that famous Author , who thro' his Prosound Wisdom , very luckily discover'd that he knew nothing ? For your Encouragement , Gentlemen , I 'll put him up at two Shillings , advance 3 Pence ; Two Shillings once : What no Body bid ? The Bidder advances 3 d. Two and 3d. once : Gentlemen , Fye for shame , why sure Men of your Parts and Learning , will never suffer the Works of so famous an Author to be thus undervallued : If you 'll believe me , Gentlemen , he 's worth more to a Powder-Monkey to make Cartridges of , than what 's bid : Two and three pence twice ? What no Body amongst you Gentlemen of the Black Robe , that has so much respect for the Wisdom of our Ancestors , as to advance t'other 3d ? Well Sir , I find you must have him at two and three pence , Knock , and now you 've bought him : Sir I must tell you , you 'll find Learning enough within him , to puzzle both Vniversities : And thus much I promise you further Sir , when you have read him seven years , if you don 't like him , bring him to me again , in Little Brittain , and I 'll help you to a Man shall give you a Shilling for him , to cover Band-Boxes . At this sort of rate he banters the young Studients ; and whatever they purchas'd , gave 'em a Jest into the Bargain . From thence I pass'd into a great Street call'd Cheapside , where on one side were a considerable number of wholesale Tradesmen , as Linnen-drapers , Silk-men , Iron-mongers , Leather-sellers , Tobacconists , &c. who swell'd in their Shops , and look'd as big above the rest of the Petty-Dealers as the bluff well-fed Senior-Fellows of a College do above the lean thin-gutted poor Sizers . On the opposite side are Suttlers Booths , much frequented by the London Citizens , who are easily to be known by their thin Calves-Leather Boots , and the Bloodiness of their Spurs , whose Rowels have been often buryed in the sides of their Hackneys . Their pretence is , coming down to meet their Customers ; tho' its plain by their Loitering , they have little else to do but to Drink , Smoke , and Whore , and to help support the Fair in its Ancient Custom of Debauchery ; couzening themselves of their Time , their Families of their Money , and their dear Wives of their Company . Their Whips they wear under their Arms , as a Beau does his Hat ; and tie up the ends of their Bob-Wigs in Black Bags , with a ridiculous hope of being thought Gentlemen . Behind these Booths is a place call'd the Duddery , incompass'd round with Salesmen and People that fell Norwich-Stuffs , and in the Middle , abundance of Packs of that Deceitful Commodity Yorkshire-Cloth : The Sales-men Ply at their Booth-doores as they do in Long-lane ; and Lug and Tug the poor Country Folks into their Mercinary Wardrobes as if they had power to Arrest 'em ; who are surely Cheated if they Buy , and almost Worry'd if they dont . In the Center of this Place stands an old weather-beaten Pulpit , where on Sunday a Sermon is deliver'd , for the Edification of the Strowling Sinners , who give open Attention , as in a Field-Conventicle . Here is also great quantities of Wooll , put up in Bags , which they call Pockets , weighing at least a Tun Weight : An Irish Gentleman coming by , and staring very hard upon ' em . By my Shoul , says he , they are the largest Feather-Beds dat ever I did shee ; I wonder how they do to turn 'em when they make ' em . On the other side the River there 's a little Town , call'd Chesterton , in which there is the Sign of the Black Bull , where the Country Chapmen generally Lodg that come to the Fair , for the sake of rare strong humming Ale , for which 't is famous ; over which they get Drunk , Quarrel , and make Bargains , till the Fox brings 'em to Sleep , and Sleep , by the next Morning , to a Sober Repentance . The chief Entertainment of the Fair , is Stubble-Geese and Apple-Sauce , Fat Pig and Fly-Sauce , Bad Sack and Good Walnuts ; the last of which the Citizens send as Fairings to their Wives , to Divert 'em behind the Counter , in their Husbands Absence . At Night , when their Booths are shut up , which is only by Skewering two Hair-cloths together , then all that are Freshmen are sought by their Acquaintance , in order to be Christened : The manner of which is thus , Two or three contrive to decoy him , or her into a Sutlers Booth , under pretence of some body being there to speak with them about Business ; and then privately send for an old Fellow dignified with the Title of Lord Tap ▪ from his going Arm'd all-over with Spiggots and Fossets , like a Porcupine with his Quills , or looking rather like a Fowl wrapt up in a Pound of Sausages ; who when he comes , rings his Bell over the Head of the Party , repeating these Words with an Audible Voice : Over thy Head I ring this Bell , Because thou art an Infidel ; And I have found thee out by th' Smell : With a Hoxius Doxius call upon him , That no Vengeance may Light on him . Then the Party Christ'ned chuses two out of the Company to be his Godfathers , who generally give him some very Bawdy Name ; then they swear him upon the Horns , as at Highgate , make him give Tap Six pence , and spend four or five Shillings to treat the Company , and then for ever after he 's free of Stir-Bitch-Fair ; Of which having given my self the Satisfaction of a General Survey , I went back to Cambridge , took a Place in the Stage Coach , and return'd to London . FINIS . 
A67527	----	A trip to Jamaica with a true character of the people and island / by the author of Sot's paradise. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1698 Approx. 42 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67527 Wing W761 ESTC R905 12880851 ocm 12880851 94931 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67527) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 94931) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 904:48) A trip to Jamaica with a true character of the people and island / by the author of Sot's paradise. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 16 p. [s.n.], London : 1698. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Attributed to Edward, Ward. cf. BM. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in Oxford and Michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet QA standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. After proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. Any remaining illegibles were encoded as <gap>s. Understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of TCP data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. Users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a TCP editor. The texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the TEI in Libraries guidelines. Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Voyages and travels. Jamaica. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-04 John Latta Sampled and proofread 2003-04 John Latta Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion A TRIP TO JAMAICA : With a True CHARACTER OF THE People and Island . By the Author of Sot's Paradise . The Third Edition . LONDON , Printed in the Year , 1698. TO THE READER . THE Condition of an Author is much like that of a Strumpet , both exposing our Reputations to supply our Necessities , till at last we contract such an ill habit , thro' our Practices , that we are equally troubl'd with an Iteh to be alwas Doing ; and if the reason be requir'd , Why we betake our selves to so Scandalous a Profession as Whoring or Pamphleteering , the same excvsive Answer will serve us both , viz. That the unhappy circumstances of a Narrow Fortune , hath forc'd us to do that for our Subsistance , which we are much asham'd of . The chiefest and most commendable Tallent , admir'd in either , is the knack of Pleasing ; and He or She amongst us that happily arives to a Perfection in that sort of Witchcraft , may in a little time ( to their great Honour ) enjoy the Pleasure of being Celebrated by all the Coxcombs in the Nation . The only difference between us is , in this perticular , where in the Jilt has the Advantage , we do our Business First , and stand to the Courtesie of our Benefactors to Reward us after ; whilst the other , for her Security , makes her Rider pay for his Journey , before he mounts the Saddle . It is necessary I should say something in relation to the following Matter : I do not therein present you with a formal Journal of my Voyage , or Geographical Description of the Island of Jamaica , for that has been already done by Persons better Quallifi'd for such a Task . I only Entertain you with what I intend for your Diversion , not Instruction ; Digested into such a Stile as might move your Laughter , not merit your Esteem . I quistion not but the Jamaica Coffee-House will be much affronted at my Character of their Sweeting Chaos , and if I was but as well assur'd of Pleasing every body else , as I am of Displeasing those who have an Interest in that Country , I should not question but the Printer would gain his End , which are the wishes of the Author . A TRIP TO JAMAICA : IN the times of Adversity when Poverty was held no Shame and Piety no Virtue ; When Honesty in a Tradesman's Conscience , and Money in his Counting-House were as scarce as Health in an Hospital , or Charity in a Clergyman . The Sword being advanc'd , and the Pen silenc'd ; Printers being too Poor to pay down Copy-Money , and Authors too Poor to Trust 'em : Fools getting more by hazarding their Carcasses , than Ingenious Men by imploying their Wits ; which was well enough observ'd by a Gentleman , in these following Lines . When Pens were valu'd less than Swords , And Blows got Money more than Words ; When Am'rous Beaux , and Campaign Bully , Thriv'd by their Fighting and their Folly ; Whilst Men of Parts , as Poar as Rats , With Mourning Swords and Flapping Hats , Appear by Night , like Owles and Bats : With Hungry hast pursuing way , To Sir John Lend , or ' Squire Pay. Till Wit in Rags , and Fool in Feather , Were joyn'd , by Providence , together . The one o'er Bottle breaks his Iest , Like Country Parson at a Feast ; For which he 's Treated and Exalted , By his dear Friend , Sir Looby Dolthead . Vnhappy Age , which so in Vice surpasses , That Men of Worth must Worship Golden Asses . I being influenc'd by my Stars , with an unhappy propensity to the Conversation of those unlucky kind of Fortune-Hunters , till at last , tho' I had no more Wit to boast of than another Man , yet I shar'd the Fate of those that had ; and to bear them Company , stragled so far from the Paths of Profit and Preferment , into a Wilderness of Pleasure and Enjoyment , that I had like to have been stuck fast in a Thicket of Brambles , before I knew were abouts I was ; to clear my self of which , I bustled like a Fox in a Gin , or a Hare in a Patridge-Net : But before I could free my self from this Entanglement , I had so wounded my Feet , and stuck so many Thorns in my Side , that I halted homewards like a Gouty Puritan to an Election , or a Lame Begger to a Misers Funeral . These little Afflictions mov'd me to reflect upon my Mis-pent Time ; and like a Thief in a Goal , or a Whore in a Flux , I Resolv'd for the future to Reform my Life , change my Measures , and push my self upon something that might recover those lost Moments , I had hitherto converted to the use of others , and not my self . I now began to peep into the Business of the World , and chang'd the Company of those who had nothing to do but Spend Money , for the Conversation of such whose practice was to Get it . But I , thro' Inadvertency , neglecting to consult Doctor Troter , or some other Infallible Predicting Wisaker , began my Reformation in an unfortunate Minute , when Vserers were unbinding their Fetter'd Trunks , and breaking up their Deified Bags and Consecrated Sums , for the security of Religion , and the further establishment of Liberty of Conscience , without which [ Liberty ] join'd , Conscience to them would be of no use . Tradesmen grumbling at the Taxes , Merchants at their Losses , most Men complaining for want of Business , and all Men in Business , for want of Money : Every Man upon Change looking with as peevish a Countenance , as if he had unluckily stumbled upon his Wife's Failings , and unhappily become a witness to his own Cuckoldome . These I thought but slender Encouragments to a New Reformist , who had forsaken Liberty for Restraint , Ease for Trouble Laziness for Industry , Wine for Coffee , and the Pleasures of Witty Conversation , for the Plagues of a Muddy-Brain'd Society , who could talk of nothing but Prime Cost and Profit , the Good Humour of their Wives , the Wittiness of their Children , and the Vnluckiness of their Prentices ; and knew no more how Handsomly to Spend their Money , than Honestly to Get it . The Complaints of these Philodenarians , the Declination of Trade , and the Scarcity of Money , gave me no more hopes of mending my Condition , by pursuing my intended measures , than a Good Husband has of mending a Bad Wife by winking at her Vices . I now found my self in great danger of a Relaps , to prevent which , after two or three Gallons of Derby-Ale had one day sent my Wits a Woollgathering , and generated as many Maggots in my Brains , as there are Crotchets in the Head of a Musician , or Fools in the Million Lottery , I e'en took up a Resolution to Travel , and Court the Blinking Gipsy Fortune in another Country . I then began to Consider what Climate might best suit with my Constitution , and what Part of the World with my Circumstances ; and upon mature Deliberation , found a Warm Latitude would best agree with Thin Apparel , and a Money'd Country with a Narrow Fortune ; and having often heard such extravagant Encomiums of that Blessed Paradise Iamaica , where Gold is more plentiful than Ice , Silver than Snow , Pearl than Hailstones , I at last determin'd to make a trial of my Stars in that Island , and see whether they had the same Unlucky Influence upon me there , as they had , hitherto , in the Land of my Nativity . In order to proceed my Voyage , I took a Passage in the good Ship the Andalucia ; and about the latterend of Ianuary , 1697. upon the dissolution of the hard Frost , I passed , with many others , by the Night Tide , in a Wherry , to Gravesend , where our Floating Receptacle lay ready to take in Goods and Passengers ; but our Lady Thames being put into a Passion , by the rude Kisses of an Easterly Wind , drew her Smooth Face into so many Wrinckles , that her ill-favour'd Aspect and Murmurings , were to me as Terrible as the Noise of Thieves to a Miser , or Bailiffs to a Bankrupt ; and being pent up with my Limbs , in an awkward Posture , lying Heads and Tails , like Essex Calves in a Rumford Waggon , I was forc'd to endure the Insolence of every Wave , till I was become as Wet as a New Pump'd Kidnapper . In this Condition I Embark'd about Two a Clock in the Morning , where the Chief Mai t , as Master of the Ceremonies , conducted me to a wellcome Collation of Cheese and Bisket , and presented me with a Magnificent Can of Soveraign Flip , prepar'd with as much Art as an Appothecary can well shew in the mixing of a Cordial . After this Refreshment , I betook my self to a Cabin , which fitted me so well , it sat as tite as a Iacket to a Dutchman , where I Slep till Morning , as close as a Snaile in a Shell , or a Maggot in an Appel-Kernel . Then Rising , and after I had survey'd our Wooden Teretories , I began to Contemplate upon things worthy of a serious Consideration , which stir'd up in me that Malignant Spirit of Poetry , with which I am oft times unhappily possess'd : And what my Muse dictated to me , her Emanuensis , I here present unto the Reader . A Farewell to ENGLAND . I. FArewell my Country , and my Friends , My Mistres , and my Muse , In distant Regions , diff'rent Ends My Genious now pursues . Those Blessings which I held most dear , Are , by my stubborn Destiny , ( That uncontroul'd Necessity ) Abandon'd from me , and no more appear . II. Despair of Fortune makes me bold , I can in Tempests Sleep , And fearless of my Fate , behold The Dangers of the Deep . No Covetous desire of Life , Can now my Careless Thoughts imploy , Banish'd from Friendship , Love , and Ioy , To view the Waves and Winds at equal Strife . III. O'er threatning Billows can I fly , And , unconcern'd , conceive , 'T is here less difficult to Die , Than 't was on Land to Live. To me 't is equal , Swim or Sink , I smiling to my Fate can bow , Bereft of Ioy , I think it now No more to Drown than 't was before to Drink . IV. Dear Friends with Patience bear the Load Of Troubles , still to come , You Pitty us who range Abroad , We Pitty you at Home . Let no Oppression , Fears , or Cares Make us our Loyalty Disband , Which , like a well built Arch , should stand The more secure , the greater Weight it bears . V. Farewell Applause , that vain Delight The Witty fondly seek ; He 's Blest who like a Dunce may Write , Or like a Fool may Speak : What ever Praise we gain to day , Whether deservedly or no , We to the Worlds Opinion owe , Who does as oft Mis-take the same away . VI. Something there is , which touches near , I scarce can bid Adieu ; 'T is all my Hope , my Care , my Fear , And all that I pursue : 'T is what I Love , yet what I Fly , But what I dare not , must not Name , Angels Protect the Sacred Frame , Till I to England shall Return , or Die. Towards the Evening the Captain came on Board , with the rest of our Fellow-Travellours , who , when we were altogether patch'd up as pritty a Society , as a Man under my Circumstances would desire to tumble into : There was Three of the Troublesome Sex , as some call them , ( tho' I never thought 'em so ) whose Curteous Affabillity , and Complaisancy of Temper , admitted of no other Emulation , but to strive who ( within the bounds of Modesty ) should be most Obliging . One Vnfortunate Lady was in pursute of a Stray'd Husband , who , in Iamaica , had Feloniously taken to Wife ( for the sake of a Plantation ) a Lacker-Fac'd Creolean , to the great dissatisfaction of his Original Spouse , who had often declar'd ( thro' the sweetness of her Disposition ) That if he had Marri'd another Handsomer than her self , it would never have vex'd her ; but to be Rival'd by a Gipsy , a Tawny Fac'd Moletto Strumpet , a Pumpkin colour'd Whore , no , her Honour would not suffer her to bear with patience so coroding an Indignity . The other Two were a pritty Maid , and a comly Widow ; so that in these three , we had every Honourable State of the whole Sex : One in the State of Innocency , another of Fruition , the third of Deprivation ; and if we 'd had but one in the State of Corruption , a Man might have pleas'd himself as well in our Little World , as you Libertines can do in the Great One. I shall be too tedious if I at large Particularize the whole Company , I shall therefore Hustle them together , as a Morefields Sweetener does Luck in a Bag , and then you may Wink and Choose , for the Devil a Barrel the better Herring amongst us . We had one ( as I told you before ) Cherubimical Lass , who , I fear , had Lost her Self , two more , of the same Gender , who had lost their Husbands ; two Parsons who had lost their Livings ; three Broken Tradesmen , who had lost their Credit ; and several , like me that had lost their Wits ; a Creolean Captain , a Super annuated Mariner , an Independant Merchant , an Irish Kidnapper , and a Monmothean Sciths-Man , all going with one Design , to patch up their Decay'd Fortunes . Every thing being in Order for Sailing , the Pilot came on Board , who put on such a Commanding Countenance , that he look'd as Stern as a Sarazins Head ; and the Sins of his Youth having crep't into his Pedestals , he Limp'd about the Quarter Deck ; like a Cripple in Forma Pauperis upon a Mountebanks Stage , making as great a Noise in his Tarpaulin Cant , as a Young Counsel in a Bad Cause , or a Butcher at a Bear-Garden . As soon as we had weigh'd Anchor , under the doleful Cry and hard Service of Haul Cat haul , there was nothing heard till we reach'd the Downs , but About Ship my Lads , bring your Fore Tack on Board , haul Fore-Sail hand , Brace about the Main-Yard , and the Devil to do , That I was more Amaz'd than a Mouse at a Throsters Mill , or the Russian Embassador at a Clap of Thunder . By the help of Providence , the Pilots Care , and Seamens Industry , we pass'd safe to Deal , where we Anchor'd three or four Days for a fair Wind. In which interim , the Prince of the Air had puff'd up an unwelcome Blast in the Night , which forc'd a Vessel upon the Goodwin . The next Morning the Salvages Man'd out a Fleet of their Deal Skimming-dishes , and made such unmerciful work with the poor distressed Bark , that a Gang of Bailiffs with an Execution , or a Kennel of Hounds upon a Dead Horse , could not have appear'd more Ravenous . From thence , with a prosperous Gale , we made the best of our way into the wide Ocean , which Marriners say , is of such Profundity , that , like a Misers Conscience , or a Womans Concupiscence 't is never to be Fathom'd . 'T was in the midst of Winter , and very Cold Weather when we set out ; but in a Fortnights time we were got into a comfortable Climat , which yielded us so pleasant a warmth , than a Man might pluck of his Shirt upon Deck , and commit Murther upon his own Flesh and Blood till he was weary , without the danger of an Ague . I happen'd one Morning to hear two Tar-jackets in a very high Dispute ; I went to them , and ask'd the reason of their Difference . Why Sir , says one , I 'll tell you , there was my Master Whistlebooby , an old Boatswain in one of His Majesties Ships , who was Superhanded , and past his Labour , and the Ambaraltie Divorc'd him from his Ship , and the King allow'd him a Suspension , and this Lubberly Whelp here says I talk like a Fool ; and sure I have not used the Sea this Thirty Years , but I can Argufie any thing as proper as he can . The chief Sports we had on Board , to pass away the tedious Hours , were Hob , Spie the Market , Shoue the Slipper , Dilly Dally and Back-Gammon ; the Latter of which prov'd as serviceable to me , as a Book of Heraldry to a Gentleman Mumper , or a Pass to a Penniless Vagabond : For ( like the Whore who boasted of her Industry ) I us'd to make my Days Labour worth Two Shillings , or Half a Crown , at Two Pence , or a Groat a Bout. The most powerful Adversary I engag'd with , was a Parson , who , when the Bell Rung to Prayers , would start up in the middle of a Hit , desire my Patience whilst he step'd into the Great Cabin , and gave his Sinful Congregation a Dram of Evangellical Comfort , and he would wait upon me presently . But that Recreation in which we took a more peculiar delight , was the Harmony we made , by the assistance of the two Heaven-drivers , in Lyricking over some Antiquated Sonnets , and for varieties sake , now and then a Psalme , which our Canonical Vice-Whippers Sung with as Penitential a grace , as a Sorrowful Offender in his Last Night-Cap . To please my self at a Spare-Hour , I had taken with me a Flute , and there being on Board a Spannel Dog , who ( Seaman like ) had no great kindness for Wind Musick , for when ever he heard me Tooting , he 'd be Howling , which , together , made a Noise so surprising , that it frighted away a Quotide●n Ague , from a Young Fellow who had been three Weeks under the hands of our Doctor . One Night , after we had well Moisten'd our Drouthy Carcasses with an Exhilerating Dose of Right Honourable Punch , there arose a Storm , for which I had often wish'd , that I might not be a stranger to any Surprising Accident the Angry Elements , when at Varience , might afford me . The Heavens all round us ( in as little time as a Girl might loose her Maidenhead ) had put on such a Malignant Aspect , as if it threaten'd our Destruction ; And AEolus gave us such unmerciful Puffs and Whiffs , that I was fearful to stand upon the Quarter Deck , lest , before my time , I should be snatch'd up to Heaven in a Whirle-Wind . From all the Corners of the Skie their darted forth such Beams of Lightning , that I Vow and Protest the Fire-Works in St. Iames's - Square , were no more to be compar'd to 't , than a Gloworms Arse to a Cotten Candle , which were Instantly succeeded with such Vollys of Thunder , from every side , that you would have thought the Clouds had been Fortifi'd with Whole Canon , and weary of being tost about with every Wind , were Fighting their way into a Calmer Region to enjoy their Rest. Then fell such an excessive Rain , that as we had one Sea under us , we feard another had been tumbling upon our Heads ; for my part , I fear'd the very Falling of the Skie , and thought of nothing but Catching of Larks . My Spirits being a little deprest , by the apprehensions of the Danger we were under , I went down into the Gun-room ; to consult my Brandy-Cask about taking of a Dram ; where one of our Ladies , thro' want of better Accomodation , was forc'd to be Content with a Cradle , in which she was Praying , with as much Sincerity , for Fair Weather , as a Farmer for a Kind Harvest , or an Old Maid for a Good Husband : And I being greatly pleas'd at her most Importunat Solicitations , have given you a Repetition of one part , viz. And if Thou hast Decreed , that we shall Perish in this Tempest , I most humbly beseech Thee to Punish with Pox , Barrenness , and Dry-Belly-Ach , that Adultrous Strumpet , who , by Robbing me of my Husband , hath been a means of bringing me to this Vntimely End ; may her whole Life be a continued course of Sin without a moments Repentance , that she may Die without Forgiveness , and be Damn'd without Mercy . In which Interim , a Sea wash'd over our Fore-Castle , run Aft , and came down the Whip-scuttle , she concluding we were going to the Bottom , Shreek'd out , and fell into a Fit ; whilst I , thro my Fear , together with my Modesty , scorn'd to take the Advantage of so fair an Oppertunity . In a doubtful Condition , between this World and the next , we labour'd till near Morning , about which time the Storm abated ; But as soon as Day-light appear'd , and the Serenity of the Weather had turn'd our Frightful Apprehensions into a little Alacrity , some of the Men , from Aloft , espi'd a Sail bearing after us with all Expedition ; and being no great distance from the Coast of Sally , a jealousie arose amongst our Officers , of her being a Man of War belonging to that Country , they having , upon the Conclusion of the late Peace with France , Proclaim'd a War with England ; so that we thought our selves now in as great Danger of being knock'd on the Head , or made Slaves , as we were before of being Drown'd . This Alarum kindled up amongst us new fears of approaching Danger , more Terrible than the former we had so happily surviv'd . Command was given by our Captain , to prepare for a Fight ; down Chests ; up Hammocks , ●●ing the small Arms upon the Quarter and every Man directed to his Post , by orders fix'd upon the Mizzen-mast in the Steerage ; the Bulkhead and Cabins nock'd down , the Deck clear'd Fore and Aft , for every Man to have free access to his Business . When all things were in readiness to receive an Enemy , I took a walk on purpose to look about me , and was so animated with the Seamens Activity and Industry , together with the smell of Sweat , Match , and Gun-powder , that like ' Squire Witherington in Chivie Chase , I could have Fought upon my Stumps . By this time our suppos'd Enemy was almost come up with us , under English Colours , but his keeping close upon our Quarter , and not bearing off , gave us still reasons to mistrust him ; but seeing him a small Ship , and ours a Vessel of 400 Tuns , 28 Guns , and about 50 Men , we Furl'd our Main-Sail with all our Hands at once , as a strategem to seem well Man'd ; put our Top-Sailes aback , and lay by , to let 'em see we were no more Affraid than Hurt . We had on Board an Irish-man going over a Servant , who I suppose was Kidnap'd ; I observ'd this Fellow , being quarter'd at a Gun , look'd as pale as a Pickpocket new taken : I ask'd him why he put on such a Cowardly look ; and told him 't was a shame for a Man to shew so much Fear in his Countenance . Indeed Sir ( said he ) I cannot halp et , I love the bate of a Drum , the Pop of a Pistol , or the Bounch of a Mushket wall enough , but , by my Shoul , the Roaring of a Great Gun always makesh me start . I ask'd him whose Servant he was . By my Fait , said he , I cannot tell ; I wash upon Change looking for a good Mashter , and a brave Gentleman came to me and ask'd me who I wash ; and I told him I wash myn nown shelf , and he gave me some good Wine and good Ale , and brought me on Board , and I have not sheen him sinch . By this time our Adversary was come within hearing , and upon our Hailing of him , prov'd a little Ship bound to Guinea , which put an end to our Fears , and made us fly to the Punch-Bowl with as much Joy as the Mob to a Bonfire upon a States Holyday . After we had chas'd away the remembrance of our past Dangers , with a reviving draught of our Infallable Elixir , we began to be Merry as so many Beggars ( and indeed were before as Poor ) beginning to turn that into Redicule , which so lately had chang'd our Jollitry into Fear and Sadness . When we had thus refresh'd our Bodies , and strengthen'd our Spirits , by passing round a Health to our Noble Selves , &c. 't was thought high time by our Reverend Pastors , to return Thanks for our great Deliverance from the hands of our Enemies , tho' we had none near us , which was accordingly perform'd with all the Solemnity a parcel of Merry Iuvenal Wags could compose themselves to observe . By this time we were got into so warm a Latitude , that ( God be thanked ) a Louse would not live in it . We now began to thin our Dress , and , had not Decency forbid it , could have gladly gone Naked , as our first Parents . Kissing here grew out of Fashion ; there 's no joyning of Lips , but your Noses would drop Sweat in your Mouths . The Sea , and other Elements , began now to entertain us with Curiossities in Nature worth observing , as Crampos , Sharks , Porpus , Flying-Fish , Albacores , Bonettas , Dolphin , Bottlenoses , Turtle , Blubber , Stingrays , Sea-Adders , and the Devil and all of Monsters without Names , and some without Shape . As for Birds , Noddys , Boobies , Shearwaters , Shags , Pitternells , Men of War , Tropick Birds , Pellicans , &c. I shall not undertake here to describe these Creatures , because some of them are so Frightfully Ugly , that if any Friends Wife with Child should long for the Reading of my Book , it should chance to make her Miscarry . But that which I thought most worthy of Observation , were the Clouds , whose various Forms , and beauteous Colours , were Inimitable by the Pencil of the greatest Artist in the Univers , Cities , Palaces , Groves , Fields , and Gardens ; Monuments , Castles , Armies , Bulls , Bears , and Dragons , &c. as if the Air above us had been Frozen into a Looking-Glass , and shew'd us by Reflection , all the Rarities in Nature . By this time we had gain'd the Tropick , and come into a Trade-Wind ; the greatist of our fears being now a Calm , which is fine weather to please fearful Tempers ; but it brings us more in danger of being Starv'd , than a Storm does of being Drown'd : Tho' it was our Fortune in a few Days after , to make the Leward-Islands , and put us past the dread of so terrible a Catastrophe , those we pas'd in sight of were , Des●ado , a rare place for a Bird-catcher to be Governour of , Birds being the only Creatures by which 't is Inhabited ; Mountserat , Antego , Mevis , possess'd by the English ; St. Christophers , by half English half French ; Rodunda , an uninhabitable high Rock . From amongst these Caribbe Islands , in a few days , we got to Hispaniola , without any thing remarkable ; and from thence , in 24 Hours , with a fresh Gail , within sight of Iamaica , which ( without Malice or Partiallity ) I shall proceed to give you some Account of . A Charactor of JAMAICA . THE Dunghill of the Universe , the Refuse of the whole Creation , the Clippings of the Elements , a shapeless pile of Rubbish confus'ly jumbl'd into an Emblem of the Chaos , neglected by Omnipotence when he form'd the World into its admirable Order . The Nursery of Heavens Judgments , where the Malignant Seeds of all Pestilence were first gather'd and scatter'd thro' the Regions of the Earth , to Punnish Mankind for their Offences . The Place where Pandora fill'd her Box , where Vulcan Forg'd Ioves Thunder-bolts , and that Phaeton , by his rash misguidance of the Sun , scorch'd into a Cinder . The Receptacle of Vagabonds , the Sanctuary of Bankrupts , and a Close-stool for the Purges of our Prisons . As Sickly as an Hospital , as Dangerous as the Plague , as Hot as Hell , and as Wicked as the Devil . Subject to Turnadoes , Hurricans , and Earthquakes , as if the Island , like the People , were troubled with the Dry Belly-Ach . Of their Provisions . THE chiefest of their Provisions is Sea Turtle , or Toad in a shell , Stew'd in its own Gravy ; its Lean is as White as a Green-sickness Girl , its Fat of a Calves-turd Colour ; and is excellently good to put a stranger into a Flux , and purge out part of those in Humours it infallibly creates . The Belly is call'd Callipee , the Back Callipach ; and is serv'd up to the Table in its own Shell , instead of a Platter . They have Cuanas , Hickeries , and Crabs ; the first being an Amphibeous Serpent , shap'd like a Lizard , but black and larger , the second a Land-Tortoise , the last needs no Discription , but are as numerous as Frogs in England , and Borrough in the Ground like Rabbets , so that the whole Island may be justly call'd , A Crab-Warren . They are Fattest near the Pallasadoes , where they will make a Skelliton of a Corps in as little time as a Tanner will Flea a Colt , or a Hound after Hunting devour a Shoulder of Mutton . They have Beef without Fat , Lean Mutton without Gravy , and Fowles as dry as the Udder of an Old Woman , and as tough as a Stake from the Haunches of a Superanuated Car-Horse . Milk is so plenty you may buy it for Fifteen Pence a Quart ; but Cream so very scarce , that a Firkin of Butter , of their own making , would be so costly a Jewel , that the Richest Man in the Island would be unable to purchase it . They value themselves greatly upon the sweetness of their Pork , which is indeed lushious , but as flabby as the Flesh of one just risen from a Flux , and ought to be forbid in all hot Countries ( as amongst the Iews ) for the prevention of Leprosie , Scurvy , and other Distempers , of which it is a great occasion . There is very little Veal , and that Lean ; for in England you may Nurse four Children much cheaper than you can one Calf in Iamaica . They have course Teal , almost as big as English Ducks ; and Moscovy Ducks as big as Geese ; But as for their Geese , they may be all Swans , for I never see one in the Island . There are sundry sorts of Fish , under Indian Names , without Scales , and of a Serpentine Complection ; they Eate as dry as a Shad , and much stronger than stale Herrings or Old Ling ; with Oyl'd Butter to the Sause as rank as Goose-grease , improv'd with the palatable Relish of a stinking Anchove . They make a rare Soop they call Pepper-pot ; it s an excellent Breakfast for a Salamander , or a good preparative for a Mountebanks Agent , who Eats Fire one day , that he may get better Victuals the next . Three Spoonfuls so Inflam'd my Mouth , that had I devour'd a Peck of Horse-Radish , and Drank after it a Gallon of Brandy and Gunpouder , ( Dives like ) I could not have been more importunate for a Drop of Water to coole my Tongue . They greatly abound in a Beautiful Fruit , call'd , a Cussue , not unlike an Apple , but longer ; its soft and very Juicy , but so great an Acid , and of a Nature so Restringent , that by Eating of one , it drew up my Mouth like a Hens Fundament , and made my Palate as Rough , and Tongue as Sore as if I had been Gargling it with Alum-Water : From whence I conjecture , they are a much fitter Fruit to recover Lost Maidenbeads , properly apply'd , than to be Eaten . Of Water-Mellons and Mus-Mellons they have plenty ; the former is of as cold a quality as a Coucumer , and will dissolve in your Mouth like Ice in a hot Frying-pan , being as Pleasant to the Eater ( and , I believe , as Wholsom ) as a Cup of Rock-Water to a Man in a Hectick Feavour : The latter are larg and lushious , but much too watery to be good . Coco-Nuts , and Physick-Nuts are in great esteem amongst the Inhabitants ; the former they reckon Meat , Drink , and Cloth , but the Eatable part is secur'd within so strong a Magazeen , that it requires a lusty Carpenter , well Arm'd with Ax and Hand-saw , to hew a passage to the Kernel , and when he has done , it will not recompence his Labour . The latter is big as a Filbert , but ( like a Beautiful Woman well Drest , and Infectious ) if you venture to Tast , is of ill consequence : Their Shell is Black , and Iapan'd by Nature , exceeding Art ; the Kernel White , and extream Pleasant to the Palat , but of so powerful an Operation , that by taking two , my Guts were Swep as clean , as ever Tom-T — d-man made a Vault , or any of the Black Fraternity a Chimney . They have Oranges , Lemons , Limes , and several other Fruits , as Sharp and Crabbed as themselves , not given them as a Blessing , but a Curse ; for Eating so many sower things , Generates a Corroding Slime in the Bowels , and is one great occasion of that Fatal and Intolerable Distemper , The Dry Belly-Ach ; which in a Fortnight , or Three Weeks , takes away the use of their Limbs , that they are forc'd to be led about by Negro's . A Man under this Misery , may be said to be the Scutchion of the Island , the Complection of the Patient being the Field , bearing Of , Charg'd with all the Emblems of Destruction , proper ; supported by Two Devils , Sable ; and Death the Crest , Argent . Many other Fruits there are , that are neither worth Eating , Naming , or Describing : Some that are never Tasted but in a Drouth , and others in a Famin. Of Port Royal. IT is an Island distinct from the Main of Iamaica , tho' before the Earthquake , it joyn'd by a Neck of Land to the Palisados , but was seperated by the violence of an Inundation ( thro' God's Mercy ) to prevent the Wickedness of their Metropolis defusing it self , by Communication , over all the Parts of the Country , and so call that Judgment upon the Whole , which fell more perticularly upon the Sinfulest part . From a Spaceous fine Built Town ( according to Report ) it is now reduc'd , by the encroachments of the Sea , to a little above a quarter of a Mile in Length , and about half so much the Breadth , having so few remains left of its former splendour , I could think no otherwise , but that every Travellour who had given its Description , made large use of his License . The Houses are low , little , and irregular ; and if I compare the Best of their Streets in Port Royal , to the Fag-End of Kent-street , where the Broom-men Live , I do them more than Justice . About Ten a Clock in the Morning , their Nostills are saluted with a Land-Breeze , which Blowing o'er the Island , searches the Bowels of the Mountains ( being always crack'd and full of vents , by reason of excessive Heat ) bringing along with it such Sulphorous Vapours , that I have fear'd the whole Island would have burst out into a Flaming AEtna , or have stiffled us with Suffocating Fumes , like that of melted Minerals and Brimstone . In the Afternoon , about Four a Clock , they might have the refreshment of a Sea-Breeze , but suffering the Negros to carry all their Nastiness to Windward of the Town , that the Nauseous Efluvias which arise from their stinking Dunghills , are blown in upon them thus what they might enjoy is a Blessing , they Ingratefully pervert by their own 〈…〉 . They have a Church 't is true , but built rather like a Market-House ; and when the Flock are in their Pens , and the Pastor Exalted to over-look his Sheep , I took a Survey round me , and saw more variety of Scare-Crows than ever was seen at the Feast of Vgly-Faces . Every thing is very Dear , and an Ingenious or an Honest Man may meet with this Encouragement , To spend a Hundred Pounds before he shall get a Penny. Medera-Wine and Bottle-Beer are Fifteen Pence the Bottle ; nasty Clarrat , half a Crown ; Rennish , Five Shillings ; and their best Canary , Ten Bits , or Six and Three Pence . They have this Pleasure in Drinking , That what they put into their Bellies , they may soon stroak out of their Fingers Ends ; for instead of Exonerating they Fart , and Sweat instead of Pissing . Of the PEOPLE . THE generality of the Men look as if they had just nock'd off their Fetters , and by an unexpected Providence , escap'd the danger of a near Misfortune , the dread of which , hath imprinted that in their Looks , which they can no more alter than an Etheopian can his Colour . They are all Colonels , Majors , Captains , Lieutenants , and Ensigns , the two last being held in such disdain , that they are look'd upon as a Bungling Diver amongst a Gang of Expert Pick-pockets 〈…〉 being 〈…〉 . They regard nothing but Money , 〈…〉 not how they got it , there being no other Felicity to be enjoy'd but purely Riches . They are very Civil to Strangers who bring over considerable Effects ; and will try a great many ways to Kill him farely , for the lucre of his Cargo : And many have been made Rich by such Windfalls . A Broken Apothecary will make there a Topping Physician ; a Barbers Prentice , a good Surgeon ; a Bailiffs Follower , a passable Lawyer , and an English Knave , a very Honest Fellow . They have so great a veneration for Religion , That Bibles and Common Prayer Books are as good a Commodity amongst them , as Muffs and Warming-pans . A little Reputation among the Women , goes a great way ; and if their Actions be answerable to their Looks , they may vie Wickedness with the Devil : An Impudent Air , being the only Charms of their Countenance , and a Lewd Carriage , the Studi'd Grace of their Deportment . They are such wh● have been Scandalous in England to the utmost degre , either Transported by the State , or led by their Vicious Inclinations , where they may be Wicked without Shame , and Whore on without Punishment . They are Stigmatiz'd with Nick-Names , which they bear , not with Patien 〈…〉 ly , but with Pride , as Vnconscionable 〈◊〉 , Salt-Beef Peg , Buttock de - 〈◊〉 Ienny , &c. Swearing , Drinking , and Obscene Talk are the principal Qualifications that render them acceptable to Male Conversation , and she that 〈◊〉 a perfection in these admirable acquirments , shall be as much Redicul'd for her Modesty , as a Plain-dealing Man amongst a Gang of Knaves , for his Honesty . In short , Virtue is so Despis'd , and all sorts of Vice Encourag'd , by both Sexes , that the Town of Port Royal is the very Sodom of the Universe . FINIS . 
A67529	----	A walk to Islington with a description of New-Tunbridge-Wells and Sadler's musick-house / by the author of the poet's ramble after riches. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1699 Approx. 26 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67529 Wing W765 ESTC R233769 12881079 ocm 12881079 94933 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67529) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 94933) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 904:49) A walk to Islington with a description of New-Tunbridge-Wells and Sadler's musick-house / by the author of the poet's ramble after riches. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 16 p. [s.n.], London : 1699. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. In verse. Attributed to Edward Ward. cf. BM. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in Oxford and Michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet QA standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. After proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. Any remaining illegibles were encoded as <gap>s. Understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of TCP data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. Users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a TCP editor. The texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the TEI in Libraries guidelines. Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Great Britain -- Description and travel. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-04 John Latta Sampled and proofread 2003-04 John Latta Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion A WALK TO ISLINGTON : WITH A DESCRIPTION OF New. Tunbridge-Wells , AND Sadler's Musick-House . By the Author of The Poet 's Ramble after Riches . LONDON , Printed in the Year 1699. Books Sold by J. How , in the Ram-Head-Inn-Yard in Fanchurch-Street ; J. Weld , at the Crown between the Temple-Gates in Fleet-street ; and M. Fabian , at Mercers-Chappel in Cheapside . 1. SOt's Paradise : Or the Humours of a Derby-Ale-House : With a Satyr upon the Ale. Price Six Pence . 2. A Trip to Iamaica : With a True Character of the People and Island . Price Six Pence . 3. Eclesia & Factio . A Dialogue between Bow-Steeple-Dragon , and the Exchange-Grashopper . Price Six Pence . 4. The Poet 's Ramble after Riches . With Reflections upon a Country Corporation . Also the Author's Lamentation in the time of Adversity . Price Six Pence . 5. The London Spy , the First , Second , Third , Fourth , Fifth , Sixth , Seventh , and Eighth Parts . To be Continued Monthly . Price Six Pence Each . 6. A Trip to New-England . With a Character of the Country and People , both English and Indians . Price Six Pence . 7. Modern Religion and Ancient Loyalty : A Dialogue . Price Six Pence . 8. The World Bewitch'd . A Dialogue between Two Astrologers and the Author . With Infallible Predictions of what will happen in this Present Year , 1699. From the Vices and Villanies Practis'd in Court , City and Country . Price Six Pence . 9. O Raree-Show , O Pretty-Show ; Or , the City Feast . Price One Penny. All Written by the same Author . A WALK TO ISLINGTON , &c. IN Holiday-Time , when the Ladies of London Walk out with their Spouses , or think themselves Undone ; When Whores have a more than an ord'nary Itching To visit the Fields , and so Ramble a Bitching ; When Vigorous Youth the young Damsel engages In Meadowes , on Haycocks , or under the Hedges ; When Flesh and the Devil do greatly prevail , And the Dame must have Prudence that governs her Tail ; When Honour in Wedlock by Lust is betray'd , And the Maids are a gog to be otherways made : Then I , like my Neighbours , to sweeten my Life , Took a walk in the Fields ; but for want of a Wife , Was forc'd to take up with a Lady of Pleasure , Who I turn'd off at Will , and enjoy'd at my Leisure : We saunter'd about near the New-River-Head , Where we pratled and tatled , tho' what 't was we said , If you 'd have me Discover , indeed I must fail-you , Because 't was on Business improper to tell-you . I found by her Words I her heart could command , So quickly we setled the matter in hand . We rambled about , till we came to a Gate , Where abundance of Rabble peep'd in at a Grate , To Gaze at the Ladies amidst of their Revels , As fine all as Angels , but wicked as Devils . My Mistress , I found , had a huge inclination That we should add Two to the Lewd Congregation : I willing to yeild ( for prevention of Strife ) To my Mate , as a Married Man would to his Wife , She telling me Threepence a piece was the Price , I once let her make me a Cull for a Sice . Being pleas'd that I seem'd of so good a Condition , She call'd me her Dear , to reward my submission . And when she had righted her Hoods and her Pinners , We entred the Walks to the rest of the Sinners : Where Lime-Trees were plac'd at a Regular distance , And Scrapers were giving their wofull assistance ; Where Bawds with their Iilts , and good Wives with their Daughters , Were met to Intreigue and to Tipple the Waters : Some Drinking , some P — sing , some sitting , some walking , And Beaus with their Belfa's were Cringing and Talking . Some Citizens too , one might easily know By his formally handing his Whither d' ye go ; For in the old order you 're certain to find 'em , Advance with their Tallow fac'd Daughters behind-'em ; For whether to Church , or to Bawdy-house bent , It 's always their Custom to put on the Saint : And look so demure , one would think 't was their Fashion To say a long Grace , e'vn before Copulation . 'T was pleasant to see how the sly Female Creatures In Pomp led their Amorus Slaves in their Fetters : With side-looks endeavouring new Hearts to command , Regardless of those they had got by the Hand ; Desirous of Trading with some Interloper , Disdaining old Plugtail , unfit for a Stopper . The Wives of our Traders , those Jems of the City , Who thus with their Leers and their Glances invite-ye , From Court draw Examples of Leading their Lives , And use their Fond Husbands , as Courtiers their Wives , But Just for a Show ; and with some hidden Treasure Keep Gallanis , as th' other do Whores , for their Pleasure . And that you may know such a good Wife as this , From the Buxom Suburbian , or common Town-Miss , In Colours most proper her Picture I 'll Paint , And shew you a Devil dress'd up like a Saint . She puts on a sanctifi'd Look for Disguise , Yet Sparrows and Goats may be seen in her Eyes : But Ogle her well , you may read at first Sight , How oft she desires to be Lov'd in a Night . So formal her Mouth , that her Lips seem to Cry , Come Kiss me , my Dear , or I Vow I shall Dye . She Minces her Steps but to pleasure her Rider , Her Pace she can alter , and lay her Legs wider . Her Arms by her sides are so formally Posted , She looks like a Pullet Truss'd up to be Roasted . True Dancing-School-Breeding , in her is Recorded , She shows all she Learn'd , when at Hackney she Boarded : The Swell of her Bubbies , and Jut of her Bum , To the next brawny Stallion , crys , Come , my Dear , Come : The poor Fool , her Husband , she lugs by the Arm , Who proud of his Rib , never thinks any harm : Whilst her Amorous Squints , full of Lustful Desire , Proclaim him a Cuckold , to all that go by her . Her Gown is of Sattin , and wants no Expence , Such as worn at the Court about sev'n Years since . Her Head-dress of Point , a Gold Watch by her Side , Was giv'n her the day she was first made a Bride . Her Petticoat loaded with Fring to the Top , Notwithstanding its weight , will come easily up . When ever she Talks , 't is to rail against Evil ; And hates a Lewd Woman as bad as the Devil ; Because the Profession of Whore gives her Title , To too much of what she herself has too little : So pamper'd with Ease , and Luxurious Diet , She never can keep her Concupiscence quiet : These Dames were the Top of this Female Convention , Who Trade for true Pleasure , and not for a Pension . The next I observ'd , were a Number of Creatures O' th' Feminine Gender , with very good Features ; Patch'd up with odd Remnants , from Brokers Collected , From whence by us Judges , they might be suspected To Labour beneath so unhappy a Fate , As to pay by small Sums , what they wore by the Great . Their Trains hung of different lengths from the Bum , Which shew by their Size , how their Hearts are o'ercome , By an answ'rable Penis , or suitable Sum. As Rattle-Snakes , bred in the Indies , ne'er fail To tell you their Age , by the Joynts in their Tail ; He 's therefore mistaken , who treats 'em like Horses , Instead of their Mouths , you must look at their Arses : These all were so feeble , there 's none could withstand An agreeable Bribe in the Baum of her Hand , Tho' stout as Minerva , I 'd knock her flat down , By the wonderful force that 's contain'd in a Crown ; Perhaps she 'd for half condescend to be Civil , And Humble with Pains , both the Flesh and the Devil . Another kind sort , with good honest-look'd Faces , From the Hospital , Change , and from such sort of Places , Were come with intent to be Kist by the by ; Who scorn to be Hired , yet scorn to Deny . In kind melting words , let them know your desire , And Swear you must do 't , they 'll not make you a Lyar ; But think themselves under a strict obligation , To answer unbrib'd the sweet end of Creation . The Sparks that attended to make up the show , Were various ; but first we 'll begin with the Beau ; Whos 's Wig was so bushy , so Long , and so Fair , The best part of Man , was quite cover'd with Hair ; That he look'd ( as a body may modestly speak-it ) Like a Calf with bald Face , peeping out of a Thicket ; Or else like an Hedg-hog rowld up in his Bristles , Hides all but his Nose in his Peruke of Thistles : His Locks drudg his Coat , which such filthiness harbours , Tho' made of Black-Cloth , 't is as White as a Barber 's . His Sword , I may say , to my best of belief , Was as long as a Spit for a Sir-Loin of Beef ; Being grac'd with a Ribbon of Scarlet or Blue , That hung from the hilt , to the heel of his Shoe. His gate is a Strut which he learns from the Stage , When Heroes by Whores are put into a rage , And vow in revenge how much Blood shall be spilt , To punish the slights of some Tirmagant Jilt . Thus proud , as a Turky-cock spreading his Plumes , He stalks thro' the Walks , so enrich'd with Perfumes , No Altar of Incense could with him Compare , His Nostrils breath'd none but Orangery Air. His Wig , and his Handkerchief , Gloves and Cravat , Smelt sweet as the Arse of a Muscovie-Cat . His Snush-Box each minute was open'd with Pains , To fill his Head fuller of Snush than of Brains : Thus Congies and Bows , with his Hat in his Hand , And is each common Iilt's Humble Slave to Command . Abundance of these the Whores had at their Call , But in showing you one , you 've a sight of them all . The Children of Fortune were next worth Observing , By Stratagem kept , or from Hanging , or Starving : Who bred to no Bus'ness , but train'd up in Evil , Are Cunning in husling the Bones of the Devil ; Go on , and you here shall Impartially view , In this little Speculum , one of the Crew . His Leers are as Sharp as the Looks of a Hawk , His Carriage Obliging , and Fawning his Talk : In one Pocket Cards , and False Dice in the other , To Cozen his Friend , or Impose on his Brother : For this is a Maxim by Gamsters maintain'd , At Play there is neither Relation or Friend . When th' Box at the Table has once a beginning , He thinks upon nothing but cheating and winning . He quickly is Broke , and Recruited as soon , Having more Revolutions by half than the Moon . What ever by Knavery he wins from a Cully , At th' Royal-Oak-Lottery he loses thro' Folly. To day he is Rich , and on top of the House , To morrow as Humble and Poor as a Mouse . Thus Fortune , altho' she be Curs'd often for 't , But makes her poor Minions her Scoff and her Sport ; And deals by her Sons , like a Bitch of a Mother , To snatch with one Hand what she gives with the other . He 's sometimes as Gay as a Stallion at Court , Perhaps the next day has lost all to his Shirt : Thus stript , having nothing of Worth to deposit , He sneaks into Rags that lay by in his Closet Thus wanders asham'd , till by Sharping and Tricking , Or flinging Levant with the hazzard of Kicking ; Or else by th' assistance of some common Bitch , H' has rais'd himself up to 's Original Pitch : Thus Sharking and Shifting , in Quarrels and Strife , He spins out the Threads of a Troublesome Life ; Till by an old Pocky Consumption he 's hurld , As poorly out , as he came into th' World. The Amorous Tribe that next hither Resorts , Are the Fry of the Law , from the Three Inns of Courts ; Who usually want ( you may read in each Face ) More Wit than Good Fortune , less Money than Grace . His Parents great Hopes , yet the chief of their Trouble , Composs'd of two Cocks-combs , the Beau and the Bubble : Let loose to all Follies , by th' want of no Guilt , Turns Cully to Royal-Oake , Sharper , and Iilt. No Money but what pays a Debt does he Grudge ; Thus scorns to be Iust , as he hopes to be Iudge . The next were a Crew of Extravagant Blades ; Tho' Born to Estates , yet are bred up to Trades : As Merchants Apprentices , Sons of the City , Who think to be Lewd , is the way to be Witty : Or finely to Dance , and to Sing a New Song , Are th' only Two Graces to Man do belong . Thus led by the fury of Youth , without thinking , To Bawdy-house , Play-house , to Gaming and Drinking , Disdaining good Counsel , Reproof or Command , Till spent what was painfully got to their hand ; Then full of Repentance , Despair , and Vexation , Are Sold , like bad Goods , to some Foreign Plantation . By this time it happen'd , without Pill or Potion , Or help of the Waters , my Breech had a motion ; Left Doxie alone , and the Place chanc'd to chuse , Assign'd for the Laxative Ladies to use : Not knowing my Error , I shut to the Door , In order to do what I hinted before ; And who should come running immediately after , But a pretty young Damsel to scatter her Water ; Who being in haste , had the scurvie mishap To thrust open the door , and clap Arse in my Lap : Ads-wounds , said I , Lady fair , as I 'm a Christian , I never deserv'd from your Sex to be Pist-on : The Lady , surpriz'd at the voice of a Man , Gave a skip like a Squiril , and out again ran . A curse on the Hovel , if lighter 't had been , Bless my Eyes ! what a delicate sight had I seen ? Her Person denoted her of such a Genus , I dare to engage she 'd a Bum like a Venus : So soft , that I thought , I for ever cou'd feed-on Such forbidden Fruit , like an Adam in Eden . When Nature was Eas'd , I went back to the Garden , And for my long stay , beg'd my Mistresses Pardon : But Fir'd with the touch of this Sattin Bumfiddle , The Dart of the God prick'd my Heart like a Needle . I look'd all-around , having noted her Gown , But alas ! My dear Bird from the Grotto was flown . I sigh'd when I found I 'd no Cure for my Pain , But to Kiss my old Mistress again and again ; It being well known , to an experienc'd Lover , A Flame rais'd by One , may be quench'd by Another . When pretty well Tired , with seeing each Novice Bow down to his Idol , as if sh'was a Goddess ; We walk'd by an Out-house , we found had been made . For Raffling , and Lott'ries , and such sort of Trade ; And casting an Eye into one of the Sheds , Saw a parcel of Grave Paralitical Heads , Sit sipping of Coffee , and poring on Paper , And some Smoaking silently round a VVax Taper ; Whilst others at Gammon , grown Peevish with Age , Were wrangling for Pen'worths of Tea made of Sage . In a Hovel adjoyning , a cunning sly Fox , Stood shov'ling of Money down into a Box ; Who by an Old Project , was picking the Pockets Of Fools in huge Wigs , and of Jilts in Gold Lockets ; who 're strangly bewitch'd to this National Evil , Tho th' Odds that 's against 'em would Cozen the Devil : The Board ev'ry time , I observ'd , was a Winner ; Pox on 'em , says some , I have paid for my Dinner : Whilst others in Passion rose up , that were broke , And Curs'd the late Act that supprest not the Oak ; Of which I 've heard one thing that 's worth Observation , They 've ruin'd most Families throughout the Nation , Who rais'd their Estates by the Old Sequestration . A Cunning Projector , stood musing hard by , Who was formerly known t o've a Finger i' th' Pye ; He lean'd on his Cudgel , and I being near , He breath'd out these Words , which I chanc'd to o'er-hear , A New Royal-Oak with two Balls , and the Cheat Will be thought twice as Fair , yet be doubly as great . And why with two Balls ? Cause it 's very well known , A Pair pleases Ladies , much better than One. And having thus Spoke , in a Petulant mood , He trudg'd on to Sadler's as fast as he cou'd . To gaze at the Lott'ry I stood by a while , See the Gamsters all Frown , and the Lottery-man Smile ; Some Scratching their Ears , others Biting their Nailes , Cause their Hands flung away , what was earn'd by their Tails ; Some Cursing of Fortune , and calling for Wine , Their Stocks being lost , knowing nowhere to Dine , Were begging the Board , with a sorrowful Heart , To allow 'em a Coach , who deserv'd but a Cart. Thus tired with standing , we Rambled from thence , And left the poor Fools to be gull'd of their Pence . The Jilts with their Cullies by this time were Prancing Within a large Shed , built on purpose for Dancing ; Which stunk so of Sweat , Pocky Breaths , and Perfume , That my Mistress and I , soon avoided the Room , And left the Lewd Herd , to examine new Faces , And practice their Buttock-ball , Capers and Graces , At Bevridge's Learnt , and at such sort of Places . Being Surfeited now with this dull Recreation , Our Fancies inclin'd to some pretty Collation Of Cheesecakes , and Custards , and Pidgeon-Pye-puff , With Bottle-Ale , Cider , and such sort of stuff . Thus being resolv'd , I consulted my Dear , And ask'd if she knew any Place that was near , Would yield us some Pastime , as well as Good-Chear . Who after a little Debate , made a Bargain To turn into Sadlers for sake of the Organ ; The kind part of Females being alwaies advancing ( For pleasure ) the Int'rest of Musick and Dancing . We enter'd the House , were conducted up Stairs , Where Lovers o'er Cheescakes were Seated by Pairs . The Organs and Fiddles were Scraping and Humming , The Guess for more Ale on the Tables were Drumming , And poor Tom , amaz'd , crying , Coming , Sir , Coming . The Faint-Hearted Youth , who was fearful to ask His Lady the Question , had call'd for a Flask ; That by the kind Juice , with more Courage inspir'd , He boldly might Beg what she fondly Desir'd . Whilst others , ill-bred , lolling over their Mugs , Were Laughing & Toying with their Iones and their Iugs ; Disdain'd to be Slaves to Perfections , or Graces , Sat puffing Tobacco in their Mistresse's Faces . Some 'Prentices too , who had made a bold Venture , And Trespass'd a little beyond their Indenture , Were each of them Treating his Mistresse's Maid , For letting him in , when his Master 's a Bed. They tippled like Fishes , and prattled like Parrots , And Gobbled down Cakes , as a Sow would do Carrots : My Love to you Thomas , I thank you , good Betty ; I must have a Kiss . But I Vow I won't let-ye . VVhy Roger Kist Nanney , and Philip Kist Ienny ; And I 'll have one too : Poh , the Devil is in-ye : You 'll never have done till I give you a Schooling ; You 've rumpled my Head , that you have , with your Fooling ; You think , I believe , that my things Cost no Money ; I wonder you 'd do so , you great silly Tony. By this time the Drawer had brought us our VVine , VVith Tarts , Cakes , and Custards , and all that was fine , To which we sat down , and did Eat , Talk , and Tipple , To solace our selves , like the rest of the People . For want of a Third in our Mess , we were fain To use Hertfordshire kindness , Here 's to you again . And then , that my Lady might smile at the Jest , I drank in a Bumper , a Health to the best Of Women in Christendom ; she condescended To pledge me , believing 't was her I intended . Thus having Refreshed our selves after our Walk , We look'd o'er the Gallerry like the rest of the Folk ; Without-side of which , the Spectators to please , Were Gods Painted roving in Clouds and in Seas ; A Nymph in a Fright , running over the Water . And Neptune to Kiss her was Riding Post after . Another chaste Damsel turn'd into a Lawrel , To hinder Apollo from handling her Squirrel . Of such sort of Stories the Pannels were full : Europa bestriding a God like a Bull ; From whence City Dames first were taught the ill uses Of Riding and Ruling their Horn-Headed Spouses . Our Eyes being glutted with this pretty Sight , VVe began to look down , and examine the Pit , VVhere Butchers and Bayliffs , and such sort of Fellows , VVere mix'd with a Vermin train'd up to the Gallows . As Buttocks and Files , House-breakers and Padders , VVith Prize-Fighters , Sweetners , and such sort of Traders ; Informers , Theef-Takers , Deer-Stealers , and Bullies , Old Straw-hatted Whores with their Twelve-penny Cullies , Some Dancing and Skiping , some Ranting and Tearing , Some Drinking and Smoaking , some Lying and Swearing ; And some with the Tapsters , were got in a Fray , VVho without paying Reck'ning were stealing away . VVhich made Lady Squab , with her Moonifi'd Face , By the side of the Organ , resume her old place ; VVith hands on her Belly , she open'd her Throat , And silenc'd the Noise , with her Musical Note : The Guests were all Hush , and Attention was given , The listening Mob thought themselves in a Heaven ; If the Ravishing Song which she sung , you wou'd know , It was Rub , rub , rub ; rub , rub , rub ; in and out ho. As soon as her sweet , modest , Ditty was done , She withdrew from her VVicker , as Chaste as a Nun. The Butchers so pleas'd with her warbling strains , Both Knock'd her , and Clap'd her all round for her Pains . Then up starts a Fiddler in Scarlet , so fierce , So unlike an Orpheus , he look'd like a Mars . He runs up in Alt , with a Hey-Diddle-diddle , To shew what a Fool he could make of a Fiddle ; And has such an excellent hand at a Pinch , He hit's Half a Note , to a Quarter of an Inch. Then in comes a Damsel drest up in her Tinsy , Too Homely and Sluttish , to Tickle ones Fancy ; By her Impudence sure , tho' she 's Ag'd but Eleven , She knew how to Sin by the time she was Seven ; Arm'd Amazon like , with abundance of Rapiers , VVhich she puts to her Throat , as she Dances and Capers . And further , the Mob's Admiration to kindle , She turns on her Heel , like a VVheel on a Spindle ; And under her Petty-coats gathers such VVind , That Fans her , and cools her , before and behind . The next that appear'd , was a Young Babe of Grace , VVith Merc'ry in 's Heels , and a Gallows in 's Face ; VVhose Sawcy Behaviour , and Impudent Air , Denotes he was born for a Barthol'mew-Fair : Begot in a Cellar , at Head of a But , His Father a Tapster , his Mother a Slut ; And that the Good Liquor might o'er-him prevail , No Pap did they give him , but Nurs'd him with Ale : Thus wrap'd in Blew-Apron , instead of a Clout , VVas Rock'd in a Tap-Tub , and Christ'ned in Stout ; VVhich makes the Child's Impudence greatly surmount A Hundred bold Bastards , Baptis'd at the Font. In Dancing a Jig , lies the chief of his Graces , And making strange Musick-house Monkey-like Faces . Then in a Clown's Dress comes my honest Friend Thomas , VVho looks by his Bulk to be Lord of the Domus ; He cocks up his Hat , draws his Heels to his Arse , And makes his own Person as good as a Farce : But since thou art Honest , and fills me good Nants , I 'll let thee alone , and not spoil a good Dance . FINIS . 
A67530	----	The wealthy shop-keeper, or, The charitable citizen a poem. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1700 Approx. 23 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67530 Wing W766 ESTC R33543 13523019 ocm 13523019 99918 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67530) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 99918) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1559:6) The wealthy shop-keeper, or, The charitable citizen a poem. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 16 p. Printed and are to be sold by the booksellers, London : MCC [1700] In verse. Attributed to Ward by Wing and NUC pre-1956 imprints. Reproduction of original in the Harvard University Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-04 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-05 John Latta Sampled and proofread 2003-05 John Latta Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE Wealthy Shop-keeper : OR , THE Charitable Citizen . A POEM . LONDON : Printed , and are to be Sold by the Booksellers . MCC . THE Wealthy Shop-keeper , &c. CANTO I. WITH Stars Propitious from his Birth he 's blest , Got by some Yeoman , or the Parish Priest ; Who strengthen'd by March Beer , fat Beef , and Pork , Is pleas'd sometimes to do his Neighbour's Work : The doubtful Offspring is , with Cost and Care , Train'd up at School , until his Fifteenth Year ; Whose painful Learning does at last amount , To construe Lilly's Rules , and Cast-Account . Design'd a Parson , but the hopeful Lad , By kinder Fortune 's destin'd to a Trade : Where darling Int'rest is alone carest , And the least Merit always thrives the best . In Leathern Breeches , and a course gray Coat , With Shooe-ties made of Thongs , to Town he 's brought , In Waggon , or on Carriers gall'd Horse back , Mounted like Northern Tike upon a Pack . His Friends seek out , some crafty Dealer's found , To whom the Youth is , after liking , Bound ; In hopes to learn from the experienc'd Knave , To Buy , to Sell , to Cozen , Gain , and Save ; Fir'd with old Whittington's Prosperity , He hopes to be Lord-Mayor as well as he , And strokes his Master's Cat , whil'st jangling Bells , As the Fool thinks , his wond'rous Rise foretells . Thus by Friends Counsel , and his own consent , Seven junior Years in Servitude are spent , Beneath a subtle crabbed Master's Care , Whose cunning Frauds his great Examples are ; Till by Experience he expert is made , In all the sinful Myst'ries of his Trade . Thus qualified , when Time at length has broke The Bonds that bound him to his servile Yoke , No sooner Free , but eager of a Wife , He seeks to be Apprentic'd now for Life ; B'ing made by Seven Years Service truly fit , To be a Woman's Slave , a marry'd Cit. The Dame not with her Eyes , but Portion wounds , Whose Faults perhaps are numerous as her Pounds . For Gold , which mercenary Fools enslave , The Trader Charms , as Beauty does the Brave . At Hackney School the awkard Thing is bred , There taught with pains to bridle up her Head , Does Natures more becoming freedom lose , On Tip-toe juts about in high-heel'd Shooes , And with a formal stiffness ev'ry thing out-does . The Coin she brings sets up the crafty Blade , Careful t' improve the Int'rest of his Trade ; For Wedlock's Woes , and wealthy Cares design'd , To Shop and Wife he 's slavishly confin'd : What each requires he with submission doth , And with severe attendance humours both . Thus settled in a thriving part o' th' Town , With cautious Steps he prosp'rously goes on , Greedy t' impose , poor-spirited and base , He grows , by knavish Conduct , rich apace : Whilst the good Man , that with a Conscience deals , Moves slow and follows Fortune at the heels . Proud is his Heart , yet humble is his Mein , A Saint without , but Hypocrite within . Each gainful Lye he does for Truth protest , Can his own Words to various Sences wrest : The way you take 'em will your self deceive , You 're surely chous'd if you his Cant believe . You and the Dev'l he strives alike to serve ; Cheat both , and save himself by a reserve . All useful Frauds that to his Int'rest tend , Or false Assertions that can serve his End , He thinks by Custom are as lawful grown , As Deeds , an honest Man dare do and own . Watchful behind his Compter he appears , And there all Day imprison'd sits , for Years : Except when business Calls , he takes a loose , At Noon to Change , or Night to Coffee-House . His vacant Minutes in his Shop he spends O'er News , to which he great attention lends ; Till he by reading Gazetts is become , A Statesman in th' Affairs of Christendom : And sundry ways can form , to regulate The worst Disorders of a drooping State : The cause of all its Miseries can tell , And is as wise , in Thought , as Matchiavel : Does the success of each attempt foresee , Informs his Wife , who knows as well as he , What the great End of all these things shall be . Foresight to Fools is something hard to grant , Since Wise-men oft the Heavenly Knowledge want : Yet who can tell how Gods their Gifts bestow , An Ass we find has Prophesi'd e're now . CANTO II. Thus he plods on for Twenty Years , or more , Pays Scot and Lot to th' Parson and the Poor : His Dealings large , extravagant his Gain , Esteem'd a sharp , but very honest Man. As for Religion , he concedes with two , A Christian he 's at Church , in Shop a Jew . He twice each Sunday in Communion meets , And Prays at Home as often as he Cheats . Long-winded Graces at short Meals he makes , And blesses every Morning's Toast he breaks . Hears ev'ry Night his youngest Prentice read , Some long hard Chapter e're he goes to Bed. Whilst his own Thoughts are busi'd to out-wit The World , which is the smoother Epithet , Our well-bred City use instead of Cheat. Thus with mild Terms they take away the Stain , And call a Knave in Trade , a Cunning-Man . Extravagance , like Popery , he hates , And ne'er beyond a Dish of Coffee treats . Will talk and wrangle , like the meanest Scrub , Two Hours , to save a Farthing in his Club. Wine he drinks seldom , lest his Stomach 's chill , And when he does , he ne'er exceeds a Jill , Except some mighty Reason should induce The Niggard , to debauch beyond his use ; As Loyalty ; he alters then his stint , And , on the King's Birth-Day , drinks half a Pint. Which three Pence extraordinary spent , Is a sure sign he loves the Government . And that the World may see , by partial Fate , He 's destin'd to be Rich and Fortunate . In this small tract of Time three Wives at least , Are rescu'd from his mercenary Breast , By that grim spright the wretched oft invoke , To end their Cares and Miseries with a stroke . Each Help-mate worth a Thousand Pounds or more , Whose Portions much encrease the ill-got Store . The Wife he minds not , but adores the Pence : No Nights endearments does the Churl dispence . But kills her with the want of due Benevolence . Large Sums with Prentices his Bags enrich , And help to flatter his insatiate Itch. Some die , whilst others backward to obey , Complaining of hard usage , run away . Curse his thin Beer , and rail at Suffolk Cheese , Forsake their Int'rest to pursue their Ease . One Crop no sooner runs , but in his room , A new comes laden with a welcome Sum. Thus by good-luck , assisted with small Thought , His thriving Pence to num'rous Pounds are brought . So Fortune's Minions from a low degree , Climb the top Branches of her golden Tree , There cull the precious Fruit , and with disdain , Behold th' unlucky Gape below in vain . He now looks big , and does to Pow'r incline , Will no small Parish Office serve , but Fine . The midnight King of Clubs he scorns to be , And to some Barber leaves th' Authority . Above his Neighbours he exalts his Horn , And with impatience waits-till chose Church-Ward'n ; Where Gain and Reputation jointly meet , And Homage makes the Office still more sweet . Of these two Compliments , there 's none more sure , Bows from the Rich , and Curses from the Poor . He and the Parson now grow wondrous great , And from the Paupers Box share many a Treat ; Whilst the starv'd Wretches , whose Relief they spend , By shameful Wants are hasten'd to their End. When thus elected Ward'n , the Church in hast , Must be repair'd , or else the Bells new Cast , A Gall'ry added , or an Organ rais'd , That Heav'n , with Hearts more chearful , may be prais'd ; The Steeple mended , or the Dial gilt , The Chancel painted , or a Porch new built , Not thro' a Christian Zeal , or good Design , To make the Temple of the Lord more fine , But his own Bags with Parish Cash to fill , By Coz'nage in the payment of each Bill , With which the Workmen knavishly accord , And make so large , they well may bate a third , Then bids 'em write , receiv'd the full Contents , And thus discov'ry of the Fraud prevents . So those who did the Project first invent , Of building Bedlam and the Monument , Like good Trustees , the Orphans Bank ingross'd , And sunk much more than both the Baubles cost . If any curious Christian should desire , To know who lin'd the Pews , or rais'd 'em high'r , The World may read , inscrib'd upon a Stone , John Sharp Church-Ward'n when these good things were done His Word goes current , now the City round , Reported worth at least Ten Thousand Pound . Great in his Company he 's also grown , Thro' ev'ry Station gradually has run , And greedy of that honourable sway , Is chosen Master next Election-Day : Who in his Liv'ry-Gown and Band precise , Looks very burly , and as gravely Wise ; At th'upper-end of th'upper Table sits , And culls from ev'ry Dish his dainty Bits . To th' Venson and the Fowl he gives applause , And stoutly labours Knuckle-deep in Sauce . At last the Custard sorely is opprest , B'ing pleas'd , he with full Mouth commends the Feast , And eats , by computation , seven Pound at least . Long has the Pulpit labour'd hard to free The City , from the sin of Gluttonie ; But still her Sons Heav'ns plenteous Gifts prophane , And Gormandize , like Beasts , not eat like Men. CANTO III. Now swell'd with Pride , he does Majestick grow , And with a Nod returns his Neighbour's Bow. In all Affairs , talks gravely as a Judge , And Bellies like a Hogshead in the boudge . Looks high , will none beneath himself regard , And often Dines with th' Alderman o' th' Ward . He 's now much alter'd , and the Change he keeps Each Day as constant , as at Night he sleeps . Establish'd in the World , he takes good Heart , And his Half-Pint he turns into a Quart. To th' Coffee-House too becomes a mighty Guest , And reads the News five times a Day at least . From whence he wisely does assert , 't is plain , The Duke of Anjou has no right to Spain ; But is for so dividing on 't , that some May go to ev'ry part of Christendom : Which he does eas'ly , as a Man may cut A Twelfth-Cake for the King , Queen , Knave , and Slut. Nay , and without Book tells , by strength of Head , How many Dogs are lost , or Horses stray'd : And gives the Marks , as if they 'd been his own , From the crop'd Greyhound , to the spavin'd Roan . Being now grown wond'rous Rich , he has a Call , By Summons , to the Blue-Coat Hospital . Where his wise , worshipful , and worthy Sir , Is chosen , for his Wealth , a Governour , In hopes he once will Charitable be , And leave 'em , when he dies , a Legacy . Proud of the Honour he attends each Court ; But does , like many more , nor good nor hurt . Who gaze about , and with each others Eyes , Twenty gray Heads behold to one that 's wise . He now so formal grows , the whole Machine , Moves as if German Clock-work rul'd within . His Actions tim'd to certain Minutes are , And ev'ry thing he does is regular . I' th' Morning , when the Parish Clock strikes Five , He ' wakes , and thanks the Lord that he 's alive . With Eyes turn'd up , Success does humbly pray , To all the Frauds projected for the day . Then raises from his Pillow his bald Crown , And jumps into his Slippers and his Gown ; Steps to his Counting-House , there sits till Eight , Consid'ring how to manage things of weight , Precisely at which Hour he starts in haste , And on a Toast and Cheshire breaks his Fast. Which being done , he lifts up Hands and Eyes , And thanks the L — d , at length , in holy wise . Then from his Seat of Ease he rises up , And belching , creeps down Stairs into his Shop : Where for two hours the thrifty Churl abides , And , for some Faults , his eldest Prentice chides ; Directs him in the bus'ness of the Day , What Goods to send abroad , what Sums to Pay. Then to some Neighbouring Coffee-House resorts , There fills his empty Head with false Reports . He reads and hears , and very wise is made , In some Affairs of State , and some of Trade : Sips off his Coffee , which to cool he blows , And o'er the wreaking Liquor hangs his Nose . Where the hot Steam condenses , and like Rain , Drops from his Snout into his Dish again . He drinks two Doses , till his Forehead sweats , And then commends it that it warms and wets . From thence to th' Tavern-Kitchin he adjourns , There takes a whet , and to his Shop returns . At Twelve his Dinner 's on the Table set , His Stomach being as ready as his Meat : But thro' good Husbandry does ne'er appoint Above one Dish , and that a thund'ring Joint . By'mself he Dines , his Wives and Children dead , Lonely his Table , and alike his Bed : Yet for such Losses no remorse can show . Wealth is the Spring , whence all his Pleasures flow : Gold is his Heav'n , no other Loss or Gain , Can give the Wretch delight , or cause his Pain . For half an Hour he feeds , and when he'as done , In 's Elbow-Chair he takes a Nap till One. From thence to Change he hurries in a heat , Where Knaves and Fools in mighty numbers meet , And kindly mix the Bubble with the Cheat. There barters , buys and sells , receives and pays , And turns the Pence a hundred several ways : At all he ventures , to be rich and great , And is in ev'ry Dealing Fortunate . In this great Hive , where Markets rise and fall , And swarms of Muckworms round its Pillars crawl , He , like the rest , as busie as a Bee , Remains amongst the Hen-peck'd Herd till Three . Then at Lloyd's Coffee-House he never fails , To read their Letters , and attend the Sales . There buys by Candle-Inch , but when he sells , By what he bought by Inch , he 'll gain by Ells. When this is over he to Shop repairs , And with sharp Eye inspects his Home-Affairs ; Examines what 's come in , and what 's gone out , Who has been here , what bus'ness 't was about . Then fills his Silver Box , Remember , John , If any asks , to th' Coffee-House I 'm gone . There sits an Hour , sips Ninny Broath , and Laughs , To see the Neighbouring Bucks contend at Draughts . Tir'd with this Sport , he to the Sack-shop goes , And brisks his Thoughts with a salubrious Dose . There meets a Club of Elders , like himself , Who live like Swine , and wallow in their Pelf . Where , in small Measure they the Fox pursue ; Call for Half-Pints that each may have his due : Which they repeat , till Sparkles in their Eyes , And scarlet Fevers in their Cheeks arise . Whilst the three Topicks of their sensless Chat , Is first of Trade , Religion , then the State , Which they with wild Conceits unmercifully Bait. When each grave Toper has imbib'd his Quart , Their dividends they pay , shake Hands and part . Now to his Turkish Soop again he comes , To qualifie the Wine 's aspiring Fumes . Then home he Jogs , talks smutty to his Maid , Eats a slight Supper , prays , and so to Bed. Thus he by Rule compleats each Days design , Has Hours for Coffee bus'ness , and for Wine ; And does the whole dispatch before Bow-Bell rings Nine . Cunning , Success , Severity , and Care , A Trader's Friends , and best Supporters are . For City-Knaves their Ill-got Wealth possess , By swallowing Fools , as greater Fish the less . CANTO IV. Now Old , his Conscience to himself looks black , And Pain and Sorrow bend his Aged Back . Decay in ev'ry feeble Limb appears , Whilst he bemoans the number of his Years . He Sighs , and does , with wishful Eyes , behold His Piles of Silver , and vast Sums of Gold : But with an anxious Breast , and troubled Thought , Groaning , remembers how 't was basely got . The Curses of old Age , the Gout and Stone , Torment the Wretch for the past Ills he'as done . Who for sweet Ease sollicits Heav'n in vain , And grows almost a Christian thro' his Pain . Still greater Mis'ries ev'ry Hour accrue , And the pale Foe draws nearer to his view : His Nerves grow weak , and his Distempers strong , His Intervals more short , his Pains more long , His fleshy Sides from City Banquets drawn , He finds consum'd into a Skeleton . His Appetite is gone , his Breath grown short , And all his lively Thoughts turn'd al-a-mort . Thus in these Conflicts he begins to Rave , Devided 'twixt his Treasure and the Grave : Have I my Life in Care and Slav'ry spent , And all my restless Thoughts t'wards Riches bent ! Where 's my Physician ? let him ease my Cough , And give me strength , be shall have Gold enough . Will nothing help me in my painful Fits ? Physick and Riches both , alas , are Cheats ! But shou'd I die , O how shall I attone , For all the Ills and Knav'ries I have done ! To those I 've wrong'd , what Measures shall I take , To own my Guilt , and Restitution make ? Many , alas , are Strangers , others dead ; Some Broke , and into distant Regions fled ! No , 't is impossible , ( the more 's my Woe ) To those I 've injur'd , I should Justice do ! There is but one way left , as I conceive , My Soul from threat'ning Vengeance to retrieve ; I must my Ill-got Wealth to Pious uses leave . Send for the Scriv'ner , Oh! it breaks my Heart , Alas , dear Gold , that thee and I must part . The Scribe approaches , arm'd with pointed Quill , Bows , Lies , and says , he 's sorry he 's so Ill. After some Talk , does all his Tools provide , Draws near the dying Penitent's Bed-side , Takes his last Testament by slow degrees , The Heads and Purport being chiefly these . Imprimis , I bequeath Five hundred Pound , To buy , near London , such a Lay-stale Ground . Item , Two Thousand Pounds I do allot , To build an Alms-house on th' aforesaid Spot ; Contriv'd commodiously to entertain , Twenty Old Women , and as many Men. Item , Ten Thousand Pounds I give , which shall , Endow my House of Charity withal : Blue Gowns , Shifts , Coals , and Candles to provide , And every one a Groat a Day beside . Item , Five hundred Pounds , with good intent , I give to beautifie the Monument . And that the Mad Folks may be kept more neat , Five hundred more to make new Bedlam sweet . Item , Two thousand Pounds , with good design , I do bequeath , to make Paul's work more fine . Item , To th' Blue-Coat Hospital I give , Two hundred Pounds , that my good Name may live , And place amongst their Benefactors have . Hoping their Boys will sing me to my Grave . Item , Ten Pounds I order to be paid , To each Man Servant , Twenty to my Maid , For the great Care she 'as in my Sickness shown , And other Reasons to my self best known . Item , Three hundred Pounds I freely give Amongst the Poor , within the Ward I live . A Gown and Cassock to the Parish-Priest , For his kind Promise of eternal Rest. A — B — C — D — Exec'tors I appoint , Of this my Last and only Testament , That they with all exactness may fulfil , Each part and Clause of this my dying Will. When Hand and Seal has giv'n it lawful force , Next Day he changes , and becomes much worse . Too weak to stir , he raves upon his Back , Death why so pale , and Conscience why so black . Where am I going ? Prithee Nurse more Air , Methinks I'm sinking down the Lord knows where , He gasps and stretches , strives , but cannot rise , Then ruttles in the Throat , and rowls his Eyes , Thus leaves his ill-got Treasure , and dispairing dies . FINIS . 
A67524	----	A step to the Bath with a character of the place. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1700 Approx. 65 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67524 Wing W758 ESTC R38065 17164340 ocm 17164340 106093 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67524) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 106093) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1161:20) A step to the Bath with a character of the place. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 16 p. Printed and sold by J. How ..., London : 1700. Attributed to Ward by Wing and NUC pre-1956 imprints. Advertisement: verso of t.p. Imperfect: stained. Reproduction of original in the Bristol Public Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Bath (England) -- Fiction. Bath (England) -- Description and travel. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-04 Jennifer Kietzman Sampled and proofread 2003-04 Jennifer Kietzman Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion A STEP TO THE BATH : WITH A CHARACTER OF THE PLACE . LONDON , Printed and Sold by I. How , in the Ram-Head-Inn-Yard , in Fanchurch-street , 1700. Books Printed and Sold by J. How , in the Ram-Head-Inn - Yard in Fenchurch-street ; and by M. Fabian , at Mercers-Chappel . 1. SOt's Paradise : Or the Humours of a Derby-Ale-House ; With a Satyr upon the Ale. Price Six Pence . 2. A Trip to Iamaica : With a True Character of the People and Island . Price Six Pence . 3. Eclesia & Factio . A Dialogue between Bow-Steeple-Dragon , and the Exchange-Grashopper . Price Six Pence . 4. The Poet 's Ramble after Riches . With Reflections upon a Country Corporation . Also the Author's Lamentation in the time of Adversity . Price Six Pence . 5. A Trip to New-England . With a Character of the Country and People , both English and Indians . Price Six Pence . 6. Modern Religion and Ancient Loyalty : A Dialogue . Price Six Pence . 7. The World Bewitch'd . A Dialogue between Two Astrologers and the Author . With Infallible Predictions of what will happen from the Vices and Villanies Practis'd in Court , City and Country . Price Six Pence . 8. A Walk to Islington : With a Description of New Tunbridge - VVells , and Sadler's Musick-House . Price Six Pence . 9. The Humours of a Coffee-House : A Comedy . Price Six Pence . 10. A Frolick to Horn-Fair . With a Walk from Cuckold's-Point thro' Deptford and Greenwich . Price Six-Pence . 11. The Dancing-School . With the Adventures of the Easter-Holy-Days . Price Six Pence . 12. The First Volume of the LONDON-SPY : In Twelve Parts . 13. The Second Volume of the LONDON-SPY : In Six Parts . Price Six Pence each ; or they may be had both Volumes Bound together ; and also Bound with the rest of the Authors Writings . 14. The Metamorphos'd Beau , &c. 15. The English Nun , &c. 16. Laugh and be Fat : Or , an Antidote against Melancholy . Containing great variety of Comical Intrigues in Town and Country . To which is added Nine Delightful Tales . Price IS . A STEP TO THE BATH . THE Town , and its Diversions , being grown as Stale as a Cast-off Mistress ; and the chiefest of its Inhabitants withdrawn to their Rural Pleasures ; and Duns as Impudent as D — the Poulterian Officer : So that being Bereav'd of the one , and damnably Fatigu'd by the other ; Necessity , the Mother of Invention , oblig'd me to take a Country Journey , for Self-preservation sake ; having Money to Spend , tho' none to Pay. And the last Summers Expedition at the Wells , not agreeing with my present Constitution , and my Inclinations being bent after Novelties , I resolv'd to Steer my Course Westward , to see what Pleasure those Pools of Iniquity , call'd the BATH , would afford me . In order for which , I presently took Hack , and bid him drive me to that terrible Sign the Sarazens-Head in Friday-street , where I gave Earnest for a Place in the following Mondays Coach ; but being Saturday , and late in the Season , I thought I should have no reason to Curse my Company , for mine was the first that was taken : But my Tun-Belly'd Hostess , to Encourage me , said , That notwithstanding 't was so late in the Week , she doubted not but there would be more Places taken before Night . In hopes of which , I left her to prepare for my approaching Journey ; and Money being the Life of the Cause , I muster'd up a pretty tolerable Sum , and for conveniency of Carriage , converted it into the Noblest of Metals . Then I began to think of the Redemption of several Captivated Necessaries , which an Unlucky Accident had brought into Bondage ; as an Vltramarine Ioseph , a Pocket Monitor of Tompion's Composing , and a Silver Hilted Ripp of the Isebrook's Temper ; three as necessary Implements for a Traveller , as Goose , Yard , and Sheers , for a Taylor . Well , to Egypt I went , and Redeem'd them from Slavery . And by reason I would be ready on Monday Morning , I went to Lye at the Inn on Sunday Night ; and Enquiring of the Tapster what Company I was like to have , he said more he believ'd than I desir'd ; for there was four Places taken just after I went , and three of the Passengers were in the House , and to Lye there that Night ; the other was for a Merchant of Bristol . Then asking what those in the House were , he told me two Gentlewomen and their Maid Servant , who were just going to Supper . Whereupon I bid him go and give my Service to 'em , and tell 'em I was to Travel with 'em to Morrow , and should take it as a great favour , if they would please to Honour me so far , as to admit me into their Company , for I was alone . The Fellow brought word they desir'd me to walk in , and they should be very glad of mine . This being what I wanted , in I went ; and after a few Ceremonial Complements , and begging pardon for my Rudeness , I told them I was afraid I should have gone alone , but now I found I should be Bless'd beyond my Hopes , in having the Honour , or rather Happiness , of their good Company . I wish , Sir , reply'd one of 'em , it may answer your expectation , for our Sex is counted but very indifferent Company to Travel with , and you are like to be Fatigu'd with three of us . As for Children , and Testy Age , Madam , answer'd I , I agree in the Opinion ; but otherwise , condemn it as Erroneous : And for your Number , The More the Merrier . That 's according as it proves , Sir , said she ; neither would I have you Flatter your self too soon , least your hopes should prove abortive , but rather referr you to old Saffold ' s Advice , Read , Try , Judge , and speak as you find . I must confess , Madam , answer'd I , Experience is the only Touch-stone ; but I shall be mightily deceiv'd in my Politicks , if it does not make good my Assertion . I Presume , Sir , said the other Lady , You have Studyed Saunders , and are well Vers'd in Physiognomy , or you could never pretend to so much Fore-knowledge . At which I Crav'd the Honour of seeing her Hand , telling her , I had some little Skill in Palmestry , by which Art I perceiv'd she requir'd not much Castration ; which made them both Laugh : And the first Lady ask'd me , if I had any Skill in Chiromancy , for the same Author Profest both . I told her no ; but was satisfied she had ; for her Charms had rais'd such a Spirit in me , that I knew not how to lay it without her Assistance . I never understood Magick , I Protest , Sir , reply'd she , and am mightily afraid of a Spirit : Therefore let 's Discourse no more of such Vnruly things , that neither of us know how to Govern. Your Power is as absolute in Laying as in Raising of them , Lady , answer'd I ; but since 't is your Pleasure , your Command shall be Obey'd , and I 'll Shape my Discourse to what Subject you Please . But Supper coming in , they desir'd me to sit down with them , and having more Manners than to refuse so good a Proffer , I comply'd with their Request , and fed very Heartily . The Glass went Briskly about , that we were as Merry , as a knot of joval Tinkers over a Cup of Nappy-Ale , and I began to like my Company extraordinary well ; but the Charming Inchantress and I , interchang'd so many learing Ogles , that I could hardly mind our Discourse ; Yet I understood so much , that she was a Widdow , the other a Wife , and both Sisters , and also Strangers to the Place they were going to , as well as I ; and had no other Call but Recreation ; But I was for fulfilling the Scriptures , in comforting the Widdow . Supper being ended , they call'd for a Bill , which was presently brought ; out I lugg'd , and was going to Discharge , but they begg'd my Pardon , and would by no means suffer me ; telling me I must submit to the Rule that is generally observ'd in Travelling , for the Major of either Sex to Treat the Minor. I must Acknowledge , Ladies , said I , 't is an Old Custome so to do , but we are not now on the Road ; however that Avail'd not , they pleaded the Prerogative of the Majority , and carry'd it Nolens Volens . Seeing they were so Resolute , I dispenc'd with the Affront , considering I had often put up a greater , and would not press too hard least it should prevail ; but that was a needless Thought , for the Young Widdow drew from between her Snowy Breasts , a Purse Cramm'd as full of Yellow-Boys , as a Clerk of a Markets Bag of Copper Iohn's , and Discharg'd the whole . Seeing of which , I thought I could do no less in Honour than call for my Flask ; Craving Leave to present them with it as my Foy ; and being a little Elevated with the Noble Juice , we were as jocund and frollicksome , as a Countrey-Vicar at a Gossiping . In came the Wine , without Disputing who should pay for it ; but at last , Night , the Lovers Bliss , and Bane of good Company , Oblig'd us to withdraw to our Chambers . Upon which , I told the Ladies , I should think the time very tedious till I should be so happy as to Enjoy their good Company again . We are apter to believe Sir , answered they , you will think the Iourney so , by reason of the Dullness of it . Say what I will , Ladies , said I , you Foy'l me with my own Weapons , and are pleas'd to retort my Words to their own Centre . So after a profound Cringe or two , with a Gripe of the Paw , and as many Amorous Glances at my Charming Widdow , who return'd me the like , we parted : But never any happy Bridegroom Long'd for the Approaching Night , more than I for the succeeding Morning . No sooner had I enter'd my Chamber , but I found a Secret Passion had possest my Soul , and I was all on Fire : Ye Powers , cry'd I , what strange Fever 's this that Rages in my Breast , and Riots in my Blood ? Not Liquid Fire by its first Cause Fomented , burns Fiercer in Earths Center , than I flame within . Tame this Unruly Flame , or touch her Heart that first Kindl'd it , with a Cole from the same Altar . Nay 't is impossible to relate how violent my Passion rag'd ; but in Love I was , that 's certain ; but whether her Purse or Person begat this Flame , is a very Nice Question , and I protest I know not ; for , as Mr. Cowley says , Gold alone does Passion move , Gold Monopolizes Love. For Gold has Unresistable Charms as well as Beauty ; is of a Corroding Quality ; of an Attractive Nature , and bears a great influence o'er the Opticks . And 't was very probable that Purse was only Prologue to a far greater Sum ; so by consequence must needs have some Operation ; not but the Ladies were both very Amiable , in the Bloom of Vigorous Youth , bore a good Aspect , had no mean Air , Free , and without Reserve in their Conversation ; and their Deportment declar'd them of no Vulgar Quality . But the Charming Golden Widow was the Idol of my Soul , Subject of my Thoughts , and Center of my Wishes ; Musing on whom , at last dull Morpheus Seal'd my Eyes , to relieve my Captivated Senses . But , Oh ye Gods ! no Rest could I obtain , The Charming Fair did o'er my Slumbers Reign ; And in strange Dreams Augment my Rapid Flame . By that time Forked Cynthia had withdrawn her influence , and bright Aurora rose from Thetis Lap , I shook off the Drowsy God , and blest the joyful Day . Looking out of my Window I perceiv'd they were preparing for our Journey , which made me Rig with all imaginable speed ; and as I was going down , who should I meet but my Cherubimical Widow , equip'd like a Goddess , and Adorn'd with Ribbon like the Fore-Horse of a Country-Team ? After we had given each other the Time of the Day , Lord Sir , said she , are you but just up ? Why we are almost Ready to go ; Certainly you Slept very Sound . No Madam , answered I , since I have had the Happiness of see-you , Rest has been a Stranger to my Brest . Have I disturb'd you Sir , said she ? If so , I ask your Pardon , and am sorry for it . Ye Gods , cry'd I , what shall I say ? Or how shall I express my self ? Inspire my Tongue with Eloquence , thou God of Love , to make her sensible of my pain . Oh Madam , cry'd I , you are Innocent of your Crime , and guilty of the Fact : You have Robb'd me of my Rest , Fir'd my Blood , and Stolen my Heart ; see how it Hovers o'er your Panting Breast , and fain would gain Admittance . I Vow Sir , answered she , your Discourse is so Mysterious , that it wants another Oedipus to unfold . And for what you are pleas'd to charge me withal , is a false Accusation ; neither have I Vacancy to Entertain it . Ah Madam , reply'd I , I could soon convince you of your Error , if you would give me leave to search in a certain Corner you have about you that shall be Nameless . At which she Blush'd , and told me I was mightily Mistaken : But allow it so , since 't was Ignorantly committed , and without any premeditated design , she hop'd I would be so generous as to Forgive her . Never Madam , said I , unless you vouchsafe to cast an Eye of Pity , and Commiserate the Condition of your Languishing Lover , on whom the God of Love , if there be any such a Deity , hath Empty'd his whole Artillery , and pierc'd my Heart with your all-Conquering Eyes : O Fye , Sir , answer'd she , this is meer Railery , and only for your Diversion , a thing Customary with you General Lovers , in whom every New Face Creates a new Flame ; of the Libertines Opinion , that a Woman , after she is once enjoy'd , grows Dull and Insipid ; and what you have now so solemnly pretended to me , is no more then you have already done to half our Sex , if possible ; and such I take it . By my Soul I thought she was a Witch by her guessing so right , and was a going to tell her so , for every Syllable she utter'd was as true as an Oracle . But finding by her Parlying I had made a Breach , I resolv'd to Storm the Castle . If you Harbour any such thought of me , Madam , answer'd I , by Heaven you do me wrong ; for so pure is my Flame , and so Assiduous my Passion , without you give me speedy hopes , I shall fall a Sacrifice to your disdain , and Phoenix-like , expire in my own Flames . 'T is but Breathing a V●in Sir , answer'd she , and your Feaver will soon abate . Oh Madam , cry'd I , how can you be so Cruel ? You gave the Wound , but Administer a contrary Cure. Wrack me no longer thus with Doubts and Fears , either retalliate me in the same Nature , or pronounce my Doom ; for on your Lips my Fate depends . Indeed Sir , answer'd she , that requires more Consideration than the time will admit of now : Yet take this for your Satisfaction , if your Character and Quality answers your Appearance , and your Passion be real , you need not dispond of the Entertainment of that Trifle you are pleased to Charge me withal , but it shall find a Reception Suitable to its merits . At which she Sigh'd , and said our Company waited for us , but in the Evening would take an Opportunity to discourse further of it . Now Madam , you have raised my drooping Spirits to an Extacy of joy , answered I , Pardon my Presumption , and Abrupt proceeding I beseech you , in taking this opportunity to reveal my Passion , and impute it to nothing but Love , Almighty Love , for what will not a sinking Wretch catch hold on to save his Miserable Life ? At which we separated , and joyn'd our Company , who were preparing for an Antidote against Fasting , which we had scarcely compleated , but were call'd on to Board our Leathern-Conveniency , and were pen'd up like the Beasts in the Ark ; but I took care to have my Mistress my Opposite ; and being settled , Whip proceeded on his Journey , and having a plentiful Mornings Draught , Tickled his Cattel , drove like Iehu , and soon convey'd us to the Sign of Englands Champion at Cole-brook , an Inn famous for an Hostess , and Extravagant Bills for short Commons . Having refresh'd our selves with a good Breakfast , we re-enter'd our Coop , and was but very indifferent Company , for our Masculine Traveller , the Married Lady , and Mrs. Betty the Chamber-Maid , had a Long Game at Noddy : However it presented me with several Opportunities of Saluting my Widdow , and Exercise abundance of Palm Letchery ; but being come to Reading , we Din'd at the Canonical . Nabb , where our Landlord was as Remarkable for his Bulk , as our late Hostess for her Tail ; formerly he was a profest Baptist , but being chosen one of the Head Loobies of the Corporation , he renounc'd his Religion , Embrac'd the Faith , and was Christned Lumpus ; his Corps is of the size of a Rhinoceros , Measures full three Yards in the Waste , and his Legs bigger about than the Piers of the Town Bridge , the Doctor of the Parish hath excommunicated him from the Church ; because his Snoaring not only drowns his Voice , but disturbs the whole Congregation . Being depriv'd of the Church , he then took to the Flesh , and is reported to have overlaid three of his Servants . Having now stock'd our selves with Substantial Belly-Timber , and Liquor'd our Whistles , we pursued our Journey , and were more Sociable ; the Ladies oblig'd us with several Songs , which they perform'd with an Excellent Voice , and good Judgment : But my Thoughts was chiefly Ruminating on the Fair Object before me , and how to manage my Amour at Night , every fresh Glance discovered concealed Beauties , nor was she unsensible of my Anguish , for her repeated Sighs betray'd her yielding Heart . Oh what Coelestial Motion had her Eyes ! Her Panting Breasts , how they did fall and rise ! Conspiring both to fall my Sacrifice . And our Merchant took Notice of her Sighs , and asked her the Reason , she told him 't was only a Foolish Custome ; but I believe had he ask'd me , I could have given him a better Account . But come , Fellow-Travellers , said he , will you please to take a Dram of Right Nants ? A good Cordial on the Road , and will digest our Dinner , I protest I forgot it in the Morning : So we accepted of his kindness , and drain'd his Bottle : but promised to recruit it the first opportunity ; and to pass the time away , we engag'd Mrs. Pert to sing a Song , and our Merchant and I promis'd to tell a Story : She pleaded she could not Sing , but would oblige us in relating a very strange Accident lately discover'd ; which was as followeth . About fifteen Year since , There was a Noted Tradesman near Aldgate , had two Children , a Son and Daughter , the Son was Aged about fifteen Years , and the Daughter twelve , he had a desire to put his Son Prentice to some good Trade in the City , and gave him his choice , but he was very much Averse to it , his Inclinations being altogether for the Sea , and nothing would serve him but a Tarpaulin Master . At last his Father with much Regret Consented to it , and put him to a Master of a Ship that was bound for a Trading Voyage up the Streights : At which the Young Man was Extraordinary Glad , took Leave of his Friends , and went Aboard with great Joy , but before three Months was Expir'd , News arriv'd that they were taken by the Algerines , from whom at that time there was no Redemption : The News of which , and a Considerable Loss the Old Man had lately Sustain'd by Fire , not only Reduc'd his Condition to a mean Subsistance , but broke his Heart , nor did his Wife long Survive him ; and with the remains of their decay'd Fortune , the Poor Orphan was put to a Sempstriss , but before her time was Expir'd , one of Exeter fell in Love with her , Marryed her , and took her with him to Exon , unknown to her Friends or Acquaintance ; in a few Years after he left her a Widow , no Children , and but little to Trust to ; which to improve , she set up her Trade , and Maintain'd her self very Handsomely , Living in good Credit ; but her Unhappy Brother , who had the Misfortune to be a Slave , was bought by one that Liv'd several Leagues up in the Country , never having any Opportunity of sending to England , his Friends dispair'd of ever seeing him again , and gave him over for Lost. But see how Providence Order'd it , his Master Dyed , and by reason he had been a good Servant , not only Bequeath'd him his Liberty , but also a great Sum of Money to Maintain him ; and his Mistress who had often given him several Evident Testimonies of her Affections , wou'd have Married him , provided he would Renounce his Religion , and Embrace the Mahometan , which he deny'd to do ; but her Love was so Violent , or rather Lust so Raging , that it o'ver flow'd the Bounds of Modesty , and by the Allurements of her Gold , intic'd him to satisfie her Exorbitant Desires , by which means he had gotten a very Considerable Estate . But the Natural Inclination for his own Native Country , and great Desire to see his Friends , out-ballanc'd the Embraces of his Mistress , whose Gold was more prevailing than her Charms , and came the first Opportunity for England , and in a short time Arriv'd at Plymouth , the next day reach'd Exon ; and having present occasion for some Linnen , he Accidentally goes into his Unknown Sisters Shop and furnish'd himself , then posts for London ; where to his great Grief he found as I have already Related , and by no means could get any Information of his Sister , his long Absence not only bereav'd him of his Friends , but also of all his former Acquaintance ; that he was become an Alien in the Place of his Nativity . The Deprivation of which , was an extraordinary Trouble to him , and the only way to Redress it , he thought would be to Alter his Condition ; he Coveted not Riches , but Content , to Compensate for his hard Fate . But , Oh , how often are we Deceiv'd in our Expectations , and our hopes Frustrated by an All-Seeing Power ? His Fancy presented none so Charming to his Eyes as the Exeter Widdow : Nay , so great was his Passion , that immediately he goes down , Courts her , and in a short time Married her , brings her up to London , takes a House , and Liv'd very Happily together , had two Children by her ; and no Discourse as yet of their Parents happened between them . But see how Fate Ordain'd it ! Not long since , as he was Walking by Fleet-Ditch , he Espies his Fathers Picture Expos'd to Sale among Old Goods ; which presently he Bought , and made a very strict Enquiry where they had it , thinking thereby to trace his Sister , but 't was so long since they bought it , that they could give him no Account ; however he Imputed it to be a very Lucky Accident , had it brought home with him , and with abundance of Joy shows it his Wife . Telling her , 't was the Picture of his Father , and how Accidentally he came by it : At which , she was mightily surpris'd , and told him , If that was the Picture of his Father , ( which Heaven forbid ) she was his own Natural Sister : He Astonish'd at this dreadful News , ask'd her a few more questions , she Resolving of which , Confirm'd the Discovery , and hath Involv'd them into a great deal of Trouble and Consternation of Mind ; for the Easement of which they have had the Opinion of several Learned Divines ; who Advise them to joyn no more in their incestuous Bed , but Live after the Natural Bonds of Affinity , and since 't was Ignorantly Committed , it mitigated the Crime , and they were more to be Pittyed , and none could be so Barbarous , as to reflect on their Unhappy Off-Spring . But 't is to be Fear'd , it will prove Fatal to them both , for they Labour under an Agony of Mind , that nothing but Death or Distraction is Expected . Her Story being Ended , the Ladies Confirm'd it , and declar'd they knew the Parties ; and it had not been Discover'd above two or three Years ; but while we were Commiserating their hard Fate , we came to a Vilage call'd Theal , and Stopt at Old Mother Cleanly's , at the Sign of the Divine Clamour ; as Noted a House for Bottle-Ale and Plumb-Cakes , as the Folly on the River of Thames , for Bad Wine , and Lewd Whores : Nay , Slash declar'd he dares no more pass by without calling , than the Forked Animals miss Cuckold's-Point , in their Journey to Horn-Fair : But having participated , and given our Approbation on her Commodity , we Travel'd on , and our Bristol Merchant told us , he presum'd , we were a going to the BATH for Diversion ; but his Journey to London was such a Novelty , that 't was scarce to be Parallel'd , and Notwithstanding it had occasion'd him a great deal of Trouble , it might Divert us ; with that we desir'd him to Relate it , which he presently did , after this manner : The Place of my Habitation you already know , of which I have been a Merchant almost this thirty year , am a Widower and have several Children , but my Eldest Son being very Desirous to Live at London , I put him to an Eminent Draper in C — , but before he had Serv'd half his Time , he kept such high Company , and was Acquainted with so many Rakes of the Town , that his Master was as weary of him , as he of his Master ; so I was oblig'd to take him Home , and Design'd to bring him up a Merchant , but the Infection he receiv'd at London , made too great an Impression to be Discharg'd by my Documents , which often occasion'd no small difference between us ; about a Month since , having some very Urgent Business in Wales , which requir'd my Absence for at least twelve or fourteen Days , I left my Daughter to mannage my Domestick , and he my other Affairs , and took my Journey ; but that Night I left him , he sends Word to all my Correspondents at London , that I was Dead , ( as I understand since ) and that he should be with them in a short time , for his Father having left him a Plentiful Estate , he design'd to leave off Merchandizing . This News Startl'd my Acquaintance , and they sent him several Letters of Condollence ; and my Death past as Currant on the Exchange , as if it had been sworn by twenty Irish Witnesses . My Daughter who kept my Cash , sent him a Letter of Advice , of the Payment of some Bills , I had lately drawn on him , which he receiv'd and answer'd ; he also intercepted the Letters I sent his Sister , and about six days before I came Home , takes fifty Pound of my House Cash and posts for London , and before he Appeared Publick , Cloths himself in deep Mourning , Visits my Correspondents , tells them he came to Administer to his Fathers Will , and Ballance Accounts , and takes up of my Goldsmith 1300 l. who pay'd it him all in Gold , as he requested ; having Accomplish'd his Ends , Cast off his Mourning , New Rigg'd , and now I hear is gone for Rome , to assist at the Iubilee ; but when I came home , missing of him and my Money , I presently Conjectur'd he was gone for London , and was afraid he would take up more , therefore made all the speed I could after him , to prevent it , but he was too Nimble for me ; my Acquaintance was all possest with a Pannick Fear , and so surpriz'd , that they took me for a Spirit , and wou'd hardly believe their own Eyes , but I soon Convinc'd them of their Mistake , and they me of my Sons Proceedings . And this Generally the Product of sending our Children to London : Well , had I forty , I 'd never send any of them to London again : Now he is gone Loaded with Gold to Rome ; Perhaps , about a Year or two hence , I shall have him return , as Light as a Common Strumpet , as Shabby as a Broken Officer , and as Foppish as a City Beau ; but I will never Look on him again . Make no Rash Vow , however , Sir , said I , least you Repent it ; ( for Nature will prevail ) he may Return a very Accomplish'd Gentleman , for Travelling conduces much to Education . Yes , answer'd he , As going to the Dancing-School , does young Wenches , who if they have but a little Money are presently Catch'd up by some Hopping Coxcomb or another , that hath nothing to Trust to , but a Pair of Rotting Shanks , which are scarce able to support his Wavering Carcase . I find Sir , reply'd one of the Ladys , You have a great Aversion to London Education , and the very Thoughts of it gives you the Spleen ? Pray , what is the BATH for a Nursery ? For during the Season , that is a Place of great Resort . Why , answer'd he , That 's out of the Frying-Pan into the Fire , and as Eminent for Wickedness as London , ' Bating its Magnitude . With that , I told him , I perceiv'd he Harbour'd no better Opinion of the Tuition of his own Country , than of our Metropolian Seminary ; and my Story would but Augment his Disgust . Now being got to the end of our Stage for that Day , we referr'd mine for the next , and Newbury was as wellcome to us , as Michalemas Term to the Bauling Quill-drivers , after the Long Vacation : Our Quarters was at the King of Beasts , and after we had Saluted our Ladies , and bid them Wellcome to Newbury , we View'd our Chambers , gave Order for our Supper , and Refresh'd our selves with a Glass of good Burgundy ; and having some spare time , our Merchant went to Visit a Friend in Town , and I gave the Ladies an Invitation to take a Walk , which my Mistress was willing to , but her Sister , being something indisposed after her Journey , desir'd to be excus'd ; and as Good-Luck would have it , the Maid was oblig'd to stay with her : So my Charming Widow , after she had dismantled herself of her Riding Accouterments , and I Augmented the weight of my Bush , by almost half a Pound of Powder , was ready to March ; our Landlord understanding we were dispos'd for a Walk , Convey'd us out at his Back-gate , where we found a most delicate Grotto of Nature's , not Art's Composing , half inviron'd with a Murm'ring Brook whose purling streams Created a most Melodious Harmony , and the whole Composure seem'd a Second Paradise . Having walk'd a turn or two , I thought it convenient to put my Widow in mind of her Promise . Pardon my Presumption , Madam , said I , in taking the boldness , to put you in mind of this Mornings Conclusion , for no fitter opportunity than now can present it self ; here we are retir'd , and the place seems to be dedicated for the same purpose . Sir , answer'd she , how can I be assur'd your Passion is real , since your Acquaintance is so slender , in which if I should be deceiv'd , how shall I be Ridicul'd by the Censorious World ? I presume not , Madam , reply'd I , to lay any Claim of meriting your Esteem , as to the Quality of my Person ; nor yet am I so despiseable in my Descent or Fortune , to incur your disdain . But Love , Almighty Love , who knows no Bounds or Equals , is my Plea ; and notwithstanding my Love is of so late a Date , it is as pure as Vestals Flames , and firm as Fate , and all my pretensions Honourable . If so , Sir , said she , I do Agnize your Passion , and return you mine ; for Blushing I must own it , when first I saw your Face , an unusual Flame seiz'd my Heart and kindled in my Breast Vnknown Desires . At this Confession I flung my circling Arms about her Lovely Wast , and almost stiffled her with Kisses . What then remains , cry'd I , my Life , my Soul , but to Quench our Desires , and delay our Bliss no longer ? At which she started back , and told me she thought , or she was much Mistaken , before she reveal'd her Passion , I declar'd I design'd nothing but what was Honourable ; if so , what means this unruly Proceeding ? Onely the extream Ardour of my Flame , my Dear , answer'd I ; for who can behold the Tempting Tree , and forbear to pluck its luscious Fruit ? Not till the Priest hath made it Lawful , Sir , said she , for Fear , — Oh , for Fear . — By Heaven , and all that 's Sacred , Madam , cry'd I , those Fears are Needless ; for sooner shall the Silver Morn forget to dawn , the Glorious Sun to steer its course , than I prove false to you . What then should hinder us now , from Satisfying our Craving Appetites , before the Sluggish Priest hath Crav'd a Blessing . At which , she sunk into my Arms , and by her Dying Eyes gave her Consent ; then calling to mind the Alacrity to be us'd in Courting a Widdow , and that now might be the Crittical Minute , I lay'd her down on Nature's Carpet , and made bold with Mother Earth for a Boulster ; and notwithstanding all her faint Resistance , rifled her joys , roving through all the hidden Labyrinth of Love , and by our Mutual Embraces Quench'd our fierce Desires , then Coo'd and Bill'd like a pair of Amorous Doves , swearing Eternal Constancy afresh , and to tye the Gordian knot the first opportunity . But in our Discourse I took an occasion to make a scrutiny into her Affairs , that I might understand what Bargain I was like to have , if I perform'd my Promise . She told me she had been a Widow near two years , had no Child , was worth 3000l ▪ and liv'd with her Sister , who was Married to a Gentleman near Hackney ; and living so far off , was the reason they lay at the Inn last Night . This News methought Augmented her Charms , and having enjoy'd the Shadow , I hop'd in a short time to reap the Golden Substance . Having out-staid our time , a Messenger came to Desire us to make haste , for our Company and Supper waited for us : But when we came , and had given them an Account of our pleasant walk , and Description of the Delightful Grove , ( but not a word of the Paradise of Love ) they seem'd to be sorry they did not go along with us ( that neither of us was , I am certain . ) Having Supt , they brought us a Bill , which was as reasonable as a Reckoning at a Hosier-lane Bawdy-House during Bartholomew-Fair ; for a Brace of Midling Trouts , they charg'd us but a Lease of Crowns , Six Shillings for a Shoulder of Mutton and a Plate of Gerkins , three and Sixpence for Six Rowles , and three Nipperkins of Belch ; and two Shillings more for Whip in Drinking our Healths . Their Wine indeed was good , so was their price ; and in a Bill of two pound four Shillings , they made a Mistake but of Nine ; I ask'd what Countrey-man my Landlord was ? answer was made , Full North ; and Faith 't was very Evident , for he had put the Yorkshire most Damnably upon us . But being to rise very Early , we went to Bed soon after we had Supt ; and was called by Break of Day , my Widow presented us with a Pot of Chocolat of her own Preparing ; and filling my Dishes fuller than ordinary , I Conjectur'd 't was for my good Performances , dasht with a little self-interest ; after which we recruited our Bottle , and renew'd our Journey ; but I marked his Gate with a Cross as red as the Sign . And before we had Travel'd a Mile , the Ladies laid claim to my promise to relate my Story , which I was oblig'd to perform , and was thus . There was a very Eminent Shopkeeper in Westminster , had the misfortune to have a very Extravagant Son , who by his Continual Profuseness , Consum'd him a great many Baggs of a certain Commodity much better then Cherry-Stones ; he was not only very Indulgent to him , but Maintain'd his Family ; he being of a Roving Mind , could not Confine himself to Business , but went from his Father and Family , chang'd his Name , and Rak'd about the Town ; but by Accident got Acquainted with two Young Women , who kept Shop on the Royal-Exchange ; the youngest of them he Courted for a Wife , and in a short time Married her , made an Extraordinary Figure , and as Mighty Pretences ; but he had not Enjoy'd her long before 't was Discover'd , and he Oblig'd to Live with his First , who was no ways deserving of such an Unkind Action ; but rather Worthier of a better Husband ; and being ask'd the Reason , why he would offer to Commit Poligamy ? He answer'd , Though Plurality of Caesars was not Safe for a State , Plurality of Wives could be no Crime . But the Poor Young Woman was very much Disappointed ; all her hopes Blasted , and her Promising Imaginations prov'd Vain Chimera's . For he in a little time after abandon'd both , and took a Trip to Iamaica , where in three Months he Married a Rich Widow , worth at least 7000l . Sterling , and before three years was Compleated , she made her Exit ; which he esteem'd to be the Happyest Day in all his Life , the result of all his hopes , and the only mark he aim'd at . Now being Master of a Plentiful Estate , he soon Converted it into the Commodity of the Country , and Sail'd for England , with a Joyful Heart , and Prosperous Gale ; and upon his Arrival at London , found himself a double Widower , and his Exchange Wife Married to a Dutchman , who was so Enamour'd with her Fiz , that notwithstanding he had heard of her Mis-fortune , he ty'd the Nooze , and became One Flesh , though of two very different Constitutions . She was Young and Airy , and Married him more for the sake of his Money than Person ; he Old and Impotent , and as Jealous as a Spaniard , by which her Condition was much worse than before ; for on the least Distaste , he would be Reflecting on her former Husband , who had not seen her since the Discovery , nor she him , but heard of his Success , though not by what means he had attain'd it ; and was extream Sorry she had Contracted the last Marriage ; but he having a desire to see her , tho' not to take her again as a Wife , and thinking Time , Absence , and the Alteration of his Attire , and Hair , ( for when he Liv'd with her , he wore his own , but now a Full Wigg ) was Disguise sufficient to Conceal him from her Knowledge , goes to the Shop , and she Congratulated him , with the usual Complement , of What do you want , Sir ? Two very necessary things , Madam , said he , Clean Gloves and a Pritty Wife ; and I Presume you may supply me . Of the First , Sir , answer'd his Wife , We have Choice ; but the last is a very scarce Commodity , and very difficult to be had . I was in hopes , Madam , reply'd he , you could have furnish'd me with both ; but more especially the last . But she and her Partner both knew him , contrary to his Expectations : Sir , said her Partner , I am perswaded you have no occasion for a Clogg ; for so a Wife is generally Term'd . But such a Pretty Lady as this is , would be counted rather a Blessing , Madam , answer'd he . You wrong your Iudgement very much , Sir , reply'd his Wife , For Nature hath not been so Liberal to me in her Indowments , as you are pleas'd to Flatter me with all . Besides I am a Wife already ; and here the dull Animal : comes . As he approach'd the Shop , the other spoke to him after this manner : I have been Courting this Lady for a Wife , Sir , but I find you are so happy as to be before hand with me . That 's more than he knows , Sir , said she Smiling . By which he perceiv'd they knew him ; but her last Husband being Ignorant who he was , took it as a great Affront , and in a mighty Passion abus'd her in a very high degree ; and Upbraided her with her first Husband ; which so grated his Spirits , that it reviv'd the glowing Embers of his Love , and the Conceal'd Sparks broke out into a violent Flame . Thou Mercenary Villain , said he , to Upbraid thy Wife with what her Innocence was impos'd on ; and as I am the Man that was the Aggressor , I 'll do her that Justice to make you ask her Pardon , here Publickly on your Knees : Or by Heaven , this Moment is your last . At which he drew his Sword , and the Glittering Steel so scar'd poor Hogan , that he presently fell on his Marrowbones , Crav'd her Pardon , and was Glad he came off so . Now , Madam , said he , to his Wife , had not you been so dis-honourable to me , on the Discovery of my Contract with you , I would have freed you from the Embraces of this Insip'd Coxcomb ; but since you was so Unkind , I can only Condole your second Mis-fortune , who was so Ungrateful to me in your first ; then departed , and left poor Butter-Box , to be ridicul'd by the whole Society of Thimberkins . A Friend of mine was an Eye Witness of this , and knew both the Husband and Wife . Without doubt , said the Gentleman , This Spark was one of Solomons Race , and Londons Master-Piece . Oh , Sir , 't is Reported he is very much Reform'd to what he was ; and Lives very Sober and Sedate . Then it ought to be Chronicl'd for a Miracle , said he . But being come to the Rocky Decent into Marlborough , we were so Damnably jolted , that our Merchants Pocket Comfort Vanish'd , and the Brittle Mettal was shatter'd into a thousand pieces ; for the loss of which , I intail'd such a Hearty Curse on the Place , that never since hath a Coach past , but it Over-turn'd , a Waggon or Cart , but it breaks either Wheel or Axeltree , a Horse , but he Stumbles ; and all the Beasts that Graze near it , Die of the Murraine : At last with the help of a couple of Gigantick Loobies , to support our Tottering Caravan , we got into the Town , and tipt them a Hogg for our safe Conduct . Being come to Marlborough , we broke our fast at the Royal-Diadem , and had Mr. Mayor for our Landlord , a good jolly Bachanalian , who hath bestow'd more in adorning his Fiz , than the Market-house cost Building ; and being a Magistrate , I made a heavy Complaint against that Cursed Hill , demanded satisfaction for the Dammage we had sustain'd , in breaking our Brandy Bottle , and told him , unless they took speedy Care to have it mended , I would Indite the whole Corporation . That we cannot do by no means , Sir , said he , For in so doing we should Ruine half the Town ; for the Dammage that Hill occasions , brings a Considerable Trade to our Wheel-wrights , Farriers , and Chyrurgions ; also Creates no small Business to those of my own Function , and Maintains three or four Families to support the Coaches , and Assisting at other Accidents : But however , I 'll present you with a fresh Cargo , and Advise you to take more Care for the future : Before we had Breakfasted , he was as good as his Word ; but to retalliate his Kindness , we call'd for two or three Flasks Extraordinary . Having lay'd a good Foundation to Travel on , we quitted Marlborough , and soon came on a curious Down , much Noted for its Flocks of Grey Weathers , which often gave us Confounded Jolts , and put us in Mind of our Landlords Caution , concerning our Bottle . But before we had Rod five Mile , we receiv'd Information of a Party of Light-Horse that lay Perdue to Ease us of our Rin● . This News made us look very queer , and my Company to sink the Cole with abundance of Agility . My Mistress was in a Peck of Troubles , for the security of her Ponderous Purse ; and I thought by the motion of her Pettycoats , she was a going to put it where my Lady — did her Watch : Our Merchant shuffled Loose Yellow-Boys by dozens , into the Linning of his Coat , and I Trusted to Providence : But at last to our great Satisfaction it prov'd to be a false Alarm , and by the help of our Nanterian Cordial , we Recover'd our stragling Senses : The Discourse of which lasted us , till we got to Sandy-Lane , where the Road was so Damnable heavy , that two mile in three hours was an Extraordinary Journey , and the Corporation Trot to St. Pauls on Sunday , was a Fool to it : But at last we Arriv'd at the Sign of Chevalier Bruine , where we was to Dine . Here we had such an Amsterdam W — for our Landlady , that the like was never heard of . She hath Buried five Husbands , never had but one Son , and he was Hang'd ; thirteen Daughters , and a Dozen of them was of their Mothers Stamp , and the other Dy'd an Infant ; the Old one was a Widdow , her Daughters Maid , yet between them had more Children , then Rosemary-Lane affords on a Sunday ; and most of their Sires was Souldiers or Cattle-Firkers . There was more Coaches and Waggons , drawn up before her Gate , then Hacks in Palace-Yard , during the Sessions of Parliament , or Term-Time . All her Entertainment is Loins of Mutton , or Rabbets ; and she makes more Broth in a day , then all the Chop-Houses in Castle-Alley in a Week . At last , with much ado , we got two of the aforesaid Dishes for Dinner , and a Nasty Jade to Attend us ; who , as we understood afterwards , was one of her Daughters ; but by her Looks , one would Conjecture the Devil was her Father ; yet she was Recommended to us , for the flower of them all : But in my Judgement the Old one is more Inviting then any of her Off-spring . The best Accomodation we had there was the Juice of Pippins , which we Drank very Plentifully , but by its Urinical motion , hindred Whip one Mile in four ; and the Ladies Emissary , Mistress Pert , once was so hard put to it , that we thought by her Sower Looks , and the Ringing of her Knees , she had the Dry-Gripes ; but at last a Natural Evacuation gave her Ease , and Created us a great deal of Laughter . Our Bill was compos'd in a few Words ; and was very Moderate , considering what Extravagant Prices , we often give for Mutton and Conny in some Places . Having Din'd , we proceeded on our Journey , but with a great deal of difficulty ; for the Road was so Rocky , Unlevel , and Narrow in some places , that I am perswaded the Alps are to be passed with less danger , in the Performance of which our firking Essedarian was oblig'd to use abundance of Horse-Courting-Rhetorick to his Tired Ambulators ; and when that prevailed not , to Exercise his Tickler ; but we were jolted so Cursedly , that I thought it would have made a dislocation of my Bones ; we all complained , but could find no Remedy ; nor would I advise any who have been Sufferers in Venus sports , to Adventure the Fatigue of a Coach to the Bath , least it dis-joint a Member or two . At last when our Patience was almost worn out , we agreed to light rather than endure it any longer ; but our Chariotier inform'd us , we were almost at our Journeys-end , which we presently found to be true , and Bath was as Welcome to us , as a good Dinner to a Covent-Garden Tooth-picker . Being come to the White-Hart , our long wish'd-for Port , we refreshed our selves with much Joy , after our tedious Mortifying-Journey : And there our Merchant took his Leave of us , in a fresh Coach for Bristol : Then Enquiring for a Lodging , we were recommended to a Tonsers , whose Wife kept a Milliners-Shop in the same House , where was Accommodation for us all , tho' he had several other Lodgers in the House of good Quality . That Night my Widow and I had an opportunity to enjoy our selves to our mutual Satisfaction , without any suspicion , and agreed to be made one Flesh , the first opportunity that offer'd . In the Morning we were saluted by the whole Fraternity of Cat-Gut-S●rapers , and cou'd not get rid of them without the Assistance of an Angel. My Mistress and her Sister would not appear publick , till their Baggage Arriv'd from London , which they did not expect in three or four days , so I had the Liberty to stroul alone . After I had Accounter'd my self to the best Advantage , ( in which I made no small Figure ) I went to the Coffee-House , where I found several of my Acquaintance , who seem'd to be Over-joy'd at my Appearance , Imbrac'd and Slabber'd me , as an Old Woman does her Grand Child ; asking a thousand Impertinent Questions concerning London , and what Company came with me ? If Ladies , or Gentlemen ? Whether any Quality was on the Road bound for 〈…〉 In which I satisfied them to the best of my knowledge ; but after we had 〈…〉 or two , of that insippid Liquor , we Adjourn'd to Honest C — at 〈…〉 where we Enliven'd our Souls with a Glass of good Burdeaux , 〈…〉 and from thence we went to see the Diversion of the Baths . Of which , 't is not my Design to give you an 〈…〉 Original , and Eminent Cures ; or a Description of their Structure 〈…〉 ; for that 's already perform'd , in most of our Chronicles ; 〈…〉 on the Ways and Intrigues that are manag'd there during the Season . The first we went to , is call'd the Kings ; and to it 〈…〉 , both running in one ; and the most famous for Cures . In this Bath 〈…〉 least fifty of both Sexes , with a Score or two of Guides , who by their 〈◊〉 Carcasses , and Lacker'd Hides , you would think they had lain Pickling a Century of 〈…〉 Lake : Some had those Infernal Emissaries to support their Impotent Limbs . Others to scrub their Putrify'd Carcasses like a Race-Horse . In one Corner was an Old Fornicator hanging by the Rings , Loaded with Rotten Humidity ; Hard by him was a Buxom Dame , Cleansing her Nunquam Satis from Mercurial Dregs , and the remains of Roman Vitriol . Another , half cover'd with Sear-Cloth , had more Sores than Lazarus doing Pennance for the Sins of her Youth : At her Elbow was a Young Hero , supported by a couple of Guides , rack'd with Aches and Intolerable Pains , Cursing of Middlesex Court , and Beveridges Dancing-School , as Heartily as Iob the Day of his Birth . At the Pump was several a Drenching their Gullets , and Gormandizing the Reaking Liquor by wholesale . From thence we went to the Cross-Bath , where most of the Quality resorts , more Fam'd for Pleasure then Cures , tho' they pretend it hath wrought Miracles on Barren-Soil , and wonderfully helps Conception . Not long since , a Gentleman of Quality was beholden to it for an Heir , as he reported ; but his Lady is of a Contrary Opoinion ; yet I know not what Operation such Tempting Objects may have by causing Titilation , and heighten Imagination , to procure an Immediate Conjunction . Here is perform'd all the Wanton Dalliancies imaginable ; Celebrated Beauties , Panting Breasts , and Curious Shapes , almost Expos'd to Publick View ; Languishing Eyes , Darting Killing Glances , Tempting Amorous Postures , attended by soft Musick , enough to provoke a Vestal to forbidden Pleasure , Captivate a Saint , and Charm a Iove : Here was also different Sexes , from Quality to the Honourable Knights , Country Put , and City Madam's : Nay , the Circumciz'd Iew , could Bathe in Delight , Swim in Pleasure with the Gentile , and out-vie a Courtier in Splendor , tho' they Crucifi'd his God ; and Dispence with Christians-Flesh , tho' not with Swines . The Ladies with their floating Iappan-Bowles , freighted with Confectionary Kick-knacks , Essences , and Perfumes , Wade about , like Neptun's Courtiers , suppling their Industrious Joynts . The Vigorous Sparks , presenting them with several Antick Postures , as Sailing on their Backs , then Embracing the Element , sink in a Rapture , and by Accidental Design , thrust a stretch'd Arm ; but where the Water Conceal'd , so ought my Pen. The Spectators in the Galleries , pleasing their Roving Fancies with this Ladies Face , Anothers Eyes , a thirds heaving Breasts , and Profound Air. In one Corner stood an old Letcher , whose years spoke him no less then threescore and ten , making Love to a young Lady , not exceeding fourteen . The usual time being come to forsake that fickle Element , Half-Tub-Chairs , Lin'd with Blankets , Ply'd as thick , as Coaches at the Play-House , or Carts at the Custom-House . Bathing being over for that Day , we went to walk in the Grove , a very pleasant Place for Diversion ; there is the Royal-Oak and several Raffling Shops : In one of the Walks , is several Sets of Nine-Pins , and Attendance to wait on you : Tipping all Nine for a Guinea , is as common there , as two Farthings for a Porrenger of Barley-Broth , at the Hospital-gate in Smithfield . On several of the Trees was hung a Lampoon on the Marriage of one Mr. S — a Drugmonger , and the famous Madam S — an old B — of London . Having almost tir'd our selves with walking , we took to a Bench to ease our weary Pedestals . Now , said my Friend , I 'll give you an impartial Account of the Perfections , Qualities and Functions , of a few particular Persons that are are among this Amphibious Crow'd . For Notwithstanding I have been here not above a Fortnight , I am as well acquainted with the Town and its Intrigues , as old Justice P — with More-fields and Drury Lane Bawdy houses . Those two Ladies with the Gentleman in Blew , are Sisters , live near the Church that is Dedicated to a Saint who expir'd on a Gridiron , they are Amorous Dames ; the Gentleman is a Broken Officer , and lives better on their Allowances , than he could on his Pay. This Gentlewoman in the White-Damask Gown , is a Sea-Captains Lady ; who , while her ●orniferous Mate is Plowing the Ocean , takes Care to manure his Pasture , that he may have a Fruitful Crop this Harvest . That Foppish Beau in Scarlet Stockins , whose Hilt of his Sword bears a bob with his Calves , and his Jubilee Hatband , lies stitch'd cross the Crown , was a Pettycoat-Pensioner to Madam C — near Bucklersbury ; but being lately Discarded , is come down here for promotion . That young Lady with the Gold Orice Pettycoat , was a great Fortune , and not long since was married to a Flannel Wastecoat , and a double Night-cap of the same Stuff ; But now by reason of her Husbands Imbecility , is forc'd to have recourse to the Bath . That tall Gentleman attended by three Liveries , is something of Quality , a right Courtier , for he abhors the Citizens Wives as much as the Sword Bearer does Custard . That Broad-piece Doctor , in the diminutive Band , makes a purchase every year by the Wickedness of the Age ; and Vindicates W — ing more than ever G. K — Writ against the Quakers . That Pert young Gentlewoman with the two Silver Fringes , was compell'd by her Friends to Marry a Slovenly Stockjobber , and now is surfeited with his Embraces ; and came to the Bath to mend his Breed . That Crafty Priest , that Son of Levi , is as fickle as a Weather-Cock , and would sooner discard a good Conscience , then a fat Benefice . This Tun of Iniquity , in the Crimson Gown with Monsieur at her Elbow , two Devils behind her , Aetna in her Face , all the Water in the Severn is not able to Quench her desires ; she is a second Masselina , will tire , but ne'er be satisfied ; she hath already quarter'd a Troop of French Dragoons , a Regiment of Dutchmen , and now is come to Exercise a Battalion of Brittains . That Powder'd Lobster in the Edg'd Hat , is the Spawn of a Broker ; from thence Evapulated to a Bully , now shams an Officer , sets up for a Stallion of the first Rank , and pretends he receives several Favours from a Qualitificated Lady . That Spark with his Hat under his Arm , is a Limb of the Law , but hath Studied Chamberlins Midwitry , more than Cook 's Reports . That Dowdy Minx in the Scarlet Topping , and Pinck'd Scarff , is the Relick of a broken Grocer ; an Industrious Woman , for her Head 's no sooner lay'd , but her Breech is at Work. In short , for Fops , Beaus , and Bellfa's , this Place exceeds Greys-Inn-Walks on a Sunday Evening ; and consists of greater variety of Persons , Remarkable for some Vice or Folly , than there are Ingredients in a Lombard-Pye for a City Feast ; to give you a particular Description of each of 'em , will require a Weeks time at least . Come therefore let 's go to some Tipling Mansion , and Carrouse , till we have Exhilerated our Drouthy Souls : To which I readily agreed . About five in the Evening , we went to see a great Match at Bowling ; there was Quallity , and Reverend Doctors of both professions , Topping Merchants , Broken Bankers , Noted Mercers , Inns-of-Court Rakes , City Beaus , Stray'd Prentices , and Dancing-Masters in abundance . Fly , fly , fly , fly ; said one : Rub , rub , rub , rub , cry'd another . Ten Guinies to five , I Vncover the Jack , says a third . Damn these Nice Fingers of mine , cry'd my Lord , I Slipt my Bowl , and mistook the Bias. Another Swearing he knew the Ground to an Inch , and would hold five Pound his Bowl came in . But in short , the Citizens won the Courtiers Money , and the Courtiers Swore to be Reveng'd on their Wives , and Daughters . From hence we went to the Groom-Porters , where they were a Labouring like so many Anchor-Smiths , at the Oake , Back Gammon , Tick-Tack , Irish , Basset , and throwing of Mains . There was Palming , Lodging , Loaded Dice , Levant , and Gammonning , with all the Speed imaginable ; but the Cornish Rook was too hard for them all . The Bristol Fair Sparks had but a very bad bargain of it ; and little occasion for Returns . Bank-Bills , and Exchequer-Notes , were as Plenty , as Fops at the Chocolat-Houses , or Patternoster-Row . Having satisfied our Curiosity here ; we left them as busie a shaking their Elbows , as the Apple-women in Stocks-Market , Wallnuts in October . And meeting with three or four more Acquaintance , we stroul'd to a Bristol-Milk Dary-House , and Enjoy'd our selves like 〈…〉 At Night I stole into my Mistresses Arms , as Vigorous 〈…〉 and Love , could inspire me ; but she Urging mightily for 〈…〉 was not very backward to , we agreed to be Rivented 〈…〉 to ingage the Maid to Assist her , and I , our 〈…〉 which accordingly was perform'd the next day , with a great deal 〈…〉 the Expence of half a score Guineas ; and Spouse deny'd it might 〈…〉 continu'd in the Country , for some particular Reason 〈…〉 by the Priest , Madam Bride , and Mrs. Pert , managed it so , that we 〈…〉 any Mistrust . Let a Woman alone for a Contrivance , to 〈…〉 About ten in the Morning , I was sent for by some 〈…〉 to the general Rendezvouz — Coffee-house , where Fools , Cullies , 〈…〉 , resort as thick , as Stock-Iobbers about the Effigies on the Royal Exchange , 〈◊〉 Witicism was Abdicated , and Nonsence banded to and fro , like a 〈…〉 . The last Nights Intrigue Whisper'd with abundance of Caution , and 〈…〉 was Prognosticated would be very Noble , for 't was given by a Lady 〈…〉 , and after an hour or two of their insippid Fustian and Block-headly 〈…〉 went to Raffle for a Present for our Mistresses ; and with the loss of 〈…〉 off a curious Snush-Box , worth four : But tho' I was Fortunes 〈…〉 a young Mercer of twenty Iacobusses , and at the Oake the same Night double the Number , and a Bay Gelding . From thence we went to the Hot-Bath , and Leppers-Bath , but there was nothing worth our Observation , but a parcel of old Crutches , hung up in Memory of the Persons , that receiv'd those Miraculous Cures . The next place we adjourn'd to , was to Horrid-Toms ; where we had good Wine , and better Company ; and being my Wedding-Day , I went home to Dine with my Bride , and in the Evening prevail'd with her to go to the Ball. Which is always kept at the Town-Hall , a very spacious Room , and fitted up for that Purpose . During which , the Door is kept by a couple of Brawny Beadles , to keep out the Mobility , looking as fierce as the Uncouth Figures at Guild-Hall ; there was Extraordinary Fine Dancing , ( and how could it otherwise chuse ) for Spouse and I had a Hand in it . A Consort of Delicate Musick , Vocal and Instrumental , perform'd by good Masters : A Noble Collation of dry Sweat-Meats , Rich Wine , and Large Attendance . The Lady who was the Donor , wore an Extraordinary Rich Favour , to distinguish her from the rest , which is always the Custome ; and before they break up , to chuse another for the next Day , which fell upon a Shentleman of Wales ; but hur no ways Derogated from hur Honour , or Disparag'd hur Countrey in the least , but hur was as Noble , and as Generous , as e'er an English Shentleman of them all : To hur Honour be it Spoke . The next Day the Ladies Baggage Arriv'd from London ; then they made as topping a Figure as any of them all ; and the first Night after their Publick appearance , we were so troubled with some serenading Coxcombs , that the whole Family got up , and had not Mrs. Betty , been very vigilant , my new Adopted Flesh and I , had been catch'd abed together ; for which good Service , I rewarded her with a broad piece of her own Name . A Sunday we went to Church to the Abby , a very Ancient Cathedral piece of Antiquity , and kept as badly in repair ; 't is Crowded during Divine Service , as much as St. Pauls , in which time there is more Billet Deaux convey'd to the Ladies , than Notes to desire the Prayers of the Congregation at B's — Meeting-House : and as the Ingenious Doctor in his Discourse , told the Audience , He was afraid most of them came more out of Custome and Formality , than in Devotion to the Sacred Deity , or a sutable Reverence to the Place of Worship . Which was very True I am Confident , and the Ladies were the only Saints several came there to Adore ; as this Billet Deaux will confirm ; it was convey'd in a Candid Orange to a Lady in one of the Galleries , which she by Accident dropt , and I had the Fortune to find . Madam , Had Fortune that Fickle Goddess , but honour'd me with your Acquaintance , as she has by seeing of your Person , I should not have been so Presumptious as to have offer'd these imperfect Lines to your fair 〈…〉 Stars ordain'd me no such happiness , I was forc'd to make my 〈…〉 . Commit that to Writing , which ought rather to have been 〈…〉 this Evening I shall be in the Meadows , pitty your Slave , and 〈…〉 R. In the Evening 〈…〉 much resorted to for pleasant Rivers , and delicate 〈…〉 Parkfor Coaches , and a St. Iames's for Beau's and 〈…〉 there was Chaucer's Sempstress , my Lord R — Mantua-Makers 〈…〉 Fops , Antick Beaus , and Blustering Bullies innumerable , London 〈…〉 like Countesses , and case-harden'd Impudence ; bantering Young 〈…〉 Shopkeepers Prentices : Nay my Millenian Landlady , and her Sister 〈…〉 , and as well match'd as a pair of Nice Coach-Horses ; much much 〈…〉 for an obliging Temper , the other for a Beauty ; but ask 〈…〉 Cook , he 'll tell you they Rival each other in their own proper 〈…〉 After an 〈…〉 Walking , I Treated my Ladies with the best the Place afforded , and then returned Home . But the next Morning I receiv'd a Letter of Advice from London , of the Death of an Aunt , who had made me her Heir ; which put me in mind of the Old Proverb , It never Rains , but must Pour . However this was no ill News to my Bride , nor me neither ; only requiring my speedy appearance at London ; but I promised Spouse and the rest of my Acquaintance to be with them again in a Fortnights time , and tho' an Heir , took Leave of them with as much Regreet , as the Dutch-Guards of Kensington ; and the next Morning took Post for London . Having now given you an Account of my successful Step , I 'll make bold , and give you my Sentiments of the BATH . A Character of the Bath . 'T IS , neither Town nor City , yet goes by the Name of both ; five Months in the Year 't is as Populous as London , the other seven as desolate as a Wilderness . It 's chiefest Inhabitants are Turn-spit-Dogs ; and it looks like Lombard-street on a Saints-day . During the Season , it hath as many Families in a House as Edenborough ; and Bills are as thick for Lodgings to be Let , as there was for Houses in the Fryars on the Late Act of Parliament for the Dissolution of Priviledges ; but when the Baths are useless , so are their Houses , and as empty as the new Buildings by St. Giles in the Fields : The Baths I can compare to nothing but the Boylers in Fleet-lane or Old-Bedlam , for they have a reaking steem all the year . In a word , 't is a Valley of Pleasure , yet a sink of Iniquity ; Nor is there any Intrigues or Debauch Acted at London , but is Mimick'd there . FINIS . 
A67528	----	A trip to New-England with a character of the country and people, both English and Indians. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1699 Approx. 51 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67528 Wing W764 ESTC R3226 12630786 ocm 12630786 64752 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67528) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 64752) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 678:15) A trip to New-England with a character of the country and people, both English and Indians. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 16 p. [s.n.], London : 1699. First edition. Attributed to Edward Ward. Cf. Halkett & Laing (2nd ed.). A scurrilous tract written by a London tavern keeper and pamphleteer. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng New England -- History -- Colonial period, ca. 1600-1775 -- Anecdotes 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-04 Jennifer Kietzman Sampled and proofread 2003-04 Jennifer Kietzman Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion A TRIP TO NEW-ENGLAND . WITH A CHARACTER OF THE Country and People , BOTH English and Indians . LONDON , Printed in the Year , 1699. A TRIP TO New-England , &c. BISHOPS , Bailiffs , and Bastards , were the three Terrible Persecutions which chiefly drove our unhappy Brethren to seek their Fortunes in our Forreign Colonies . One of these Bug-bears , I confess , frighted me from the Blessings of my own dear Native Country ; and forc'd me to the Fatigue of a long Voyage , to escape a Scouring . But whether Zeal , Debt , or the sweet Sin of Procreation , begot in my Conscience those Fears , which hurried me a great many Leages beyond my Senses , I am as unwilling to declare to the World , as a Romish Damsel that has lost her Maiden-head , is to confess her Frailty to the Priest. For many Years my Mind sat as Easie in my Breast , as an Alderman in an Elbow-Chair , till the Devil envying my Felicity , flung so many Crosses and Losses in my way , that every Step I took in my Occupation , I was timorous of Tumbling . I thought it then high time to seek for Balm , but finding none in Gilead , I was mov'd by the Spirit of Necessity , to forsake Ungodly London , for Religious Boston in New-England ; hoping to Purifie my self by the way in an Ocean of Brine , That when I got thither , I might find my Condition , as well as my Conscience , in a tollerable Pickle , fitted for the Conversation of the Saints in so Holy a Land. I pack'd up my Auls in order for my Voyage ; and Embarked the Ship the Prudent Sarah , at Gravesend , who was weighing Anchor , with a fair Wind for the Downs , That I had no leasure to step back to London to satisfie my Creditors ; but , like a Girl that 's Ravish'd , was forc'd , with a very good will , to do that which I intended . To entertain this Merry Town , with an exact Iournal in Tarpaulin Arabick , is like reading the Revelations to an establish'd Atheist , or repeating a Welsh Commedy to a Highlander . I shall therefore omit all such accustomary Fustian , and divert you with some Thoughts of my own in the time of my Passage . When I first came on Board , I fancy'd a Ship to be like a Country Village with two or three May-poles in 't ; and the Fellows running about Deck in Red and White-wastcoats , to be the Young Men of the Town engaged in a match at Foot-ball . Sometimes I consider'd them as a Pack of Hounds , and the Pilot to be the Hunts-man : For , like Dogs upon a Scent , they keep a heavy Yelping at their Business ; but in every interval , were as silent as a Beagle at a Loss . At other times , I have fancy'd a Ship to be a floating Hive , instead of Bees , posses'd by Drones , who make more T — d than Honey . A Vessel , whilst the Pilot is on Board , is an Emblem of Feeble Monarchy ; where the King has a States-man in his Dominions Greater than himself , That the Prince only bears the Title , but the other the Command . A Man on Board cannot but be thoughtful on two Destinies , viz. Hanging and Drowning : For withinside you have Rope , and without Water enough to effect either . So that it often put me in mind of the old Proverb , The Sea and the Gallows refuses none . A Commander when at Sea , is a Marine Deity ; his Will is his Law , and the Power of Punishing soly in his own hands . He has a Wooden World at his Mercy , wherein there is no way to be Happy , but by due Obedience : For he that knoweth his Masters Will , and doth it not , shall be beaten with many Stripes . When out at Sea , I thought the World was Drown'd , because no Land was to be seen . The Captain and his Mess , I compar'd to Noah and his Family ; but as for the rest , they were the Beasts of the Ark. We were very good Christians when we 'd nothing else to do : All Hands in a Calme to Pray or Pick Okum ; but to work in a Storm , serve God serve Devil . Brandy and Tobacco are the Soul of a Seaman ; he that wants either , is but half himself ; and he that has neither , wants every thing that 's needful ; and must , in his own defence , turn Thief or Beggar . Mariners , like Parsons , are much given to look Upwards ; but never consult Heaven beyond the Pole , or the Pointers . At Sea they are a kind of Persians , trusting to the Sun , Moon and Stars for Bodily Salvation . They seldom take notice but of one Miracle since Adam , and that is of Noah's guiding the Ark to a safe Harbour , without the help of a Sail , or the use of a Rudder : Which ( forgetting Providence ) they urge to be Impossible . A foul Wind makes scanty Messes ; for it 's a chearful saying among Seamen , Large Wind , Large Allowance : Starving and Drowning being to them equally terrible . Facetious Ignorance is an excellent Tallent to win the Captains Favour . Reason at Sea , without the Rules of Navigation , is as dangerous to be talk'd as Treason : For nothing galls the Ambition of a Commander more , Than to hear any Body on Board seem Wiser than himself . They generally bestow their Favours , as Fortune does her Benefits , as if both their Heads were in a Bag ; and for want of Sense or Sight , choose Dunces for their Minions , and Fools for their Companions : Dreading Ingenuity , and slighting Merit . Being possitive in Errors , hateful to Instruction , proud of their Ignorance , and Wise in their own conceits . A Violent Storm at Sea , to me , seem'd the Minute resemblance of a general Conflagration : When Jarring Elements for Power contended ; and angry Heavens belch'd out flakes of its consuming Fire on the reflecting Ocean ; follow'd with dreadful Claps of rending Thunder , rattling from Cloud to Cloud , thro' Rains and Hurricanes , till the Conquering Wind had blown his Sable Enemies beneath our Horizon , and clear'd the Skies of his affrightening Rivals . A Calm to me was an Effeminate acquiescence of the Elements ; and unpleasant to a manly disposition : The World look'd as if Nature was a Sleep ; and , careless of her charge , had suffer'd ( thro' Neglect ) the whole Universe to be Idle ▪ I could compare our Ship to nothing in so smooth a Sea , but to an Egg upon a Looking-glass . Idleness at Sea is the worst of Slavery ; and he that has nothing to do , is Buried Alive in a Cabbin instead of a Coffin . With these sort of Cogitations I past away my Time , being tost about by the Waves like a Dog in a Blanket , till we got Sight of the Promis'd Land , and Arriv'd at our desir'd Port , Boston . Of which I shall first proceed to give you an Account , free from Prejudice or Partiality . Of Boston , and the Inhabitants . On the South-west side of Massachusets-Bay , is Boston ; whose Name is taken from a Town in Lincoln-shire : And is the Metropolis of all New-England . The Houses in some parts joyn as in London . The Buildings , like their Women , being Neat and Handsome . And their Streets , like the Hearts of the Male Inhabitants , are Paved with Pebble . In the Chief , or high Street , there are stately Edifices , some of which have cost the owners two or three Thousand Pounds the raising ; which , I think , plainly proves Two old Adages true , viz. That a Fool and his Money is soon parted ; and , set a Beggar on Horse-back he 'll Ride to the Devil , for the Fathers of these Men were Tinkers and Peddlers . To the Glory of Religion , and the Credit of the Town , there are four Churches , Built with Clap-boards and Shingles , after the Fashion of our Meeting-houses ; which are supply'd by four Ministers , to whom some , very justly , have apply'd these Epithites , one a Scholar , the Second a Gentleman , the Third a Dunce , and the Fourth a Clown . Their Churches are Independent , every Congregation , or Assembly , in Eclesiastical Affairs , being distinctly Govern'd by their own Elders and Deacons , who in their Turns set the Psalmes ; and the former are as busie on Sundays , to excite the People to a Liberal Contribution , as our Church-Wardens at Easter and Christimas , are with their Dishes , to make a Collection for the Poor . Every Stranger is unavoidably forc'd to take this Notice , That in Boston , there are more Religious Zealots than Honest-men , more Parsons than Churches , and more Churches than Parishes : For the Town , unlike the People , is subject to no Division . The Inhabitants seem very Religious , showing many outward and visible Signs of an inward and Spiritual Grace : But tho' they wear in their Faces the Innocence of Doves , you will find them in their Dealings , as Subtile as Serpents . Interest is their Faith , Money their God , and Large Possessions the only Heaven they covet . Election , Commencement , and Training-days , are their only Holy-days ; they keep no Saints-Days , nor will they allow the Apostles to be Saints , yet they assume that Sacred Dignity to themselves ; and say , in the Title Page of their Psalm-Book , Printed for the Edification of the Saints in Old and New-England . They have been very severe against Adultery , which they Punish'd with Death ; yet , notwithstanding the Harshness of their Law , the Women are of such noble Souls , and undaunted Resolutions , that they will run the hazard of being Hang'd , rather than not be reveng'd on Matrimony , or forbear to discover the Corruption of their own Natures . If you Kiss a Woman in Publick , tho' offer'd as a Curteous Salutation , if any Information is given to the Select Members , both shall be Whip'd or Fin'd . It 's an excellent Law to make Lovers in Privat make much of their time , since open Lip-Lechery is so dearly purchas'd . But the good humor'd Lasses , to make you amends , will Kiss the kinder in a Corner . Publick Kissing , and single Fornication are both of a Price ; for which Reason the Women wisely consider ▪ the latter may be done with more safty than the former ; and if they chance to be Detected , and are forc'd to pay the Fine , they are sure before-hand of something for their Money . A Captain of a Ship who had been a long Voyage , happen'd to meet his Wife , and kist her in the Street ; for which he was fin'd Ten Shillings , and forc'd to pay the Money . What a Happiness , thought I , do we enjoy in Old-England , that can not only Kiss our own Wives , but other Mens too without the danger of such a penalty . Another Inhabitant of the Town was fin'd Ten Shillings for Kissing his own wife in his Garden ; and obstinatly refusing to pay the Money , endured Twenty Lashes at the Gun : Who , in Revenge of his Punishment , Swore he would never Kiss her again , either in Publick or Private . And at this rate , one of the delightfulest Customs in the World , will in time be quit thrown out of Fashion , to the Old Folks satisfaction , but to the Young ones Lamentation , who love it as well in New-England , as we do in the Old. A Man and Woman , were sentenc'd to be Whip'd for the like offence ▪ he being order'd Thirty Lashes , and she Twenty ; but he having extorted the Kiss from her , was so Generous to Sollicit the Select , that he might have the Fifty , and the Woman to be excus'd ; which was consented to accordingly . Every Tenth Man is chose as one of the Select , who have Power , together , to Regulate and Punish all disorders that happen in their several Neighbour-hoods . The Penalty for Drunkenness , is whiping or a Crown ; Cursing or Swearing , the same Fine , or to be bor'd thro' the Tongue with a hot Iron : But get your Select Member into your Company and Treat him , and you may do either without offence ; and be as safe as a Parishoner here in a Tavern in the Church-Wardens Company in Sermon-time . A couple of Deacons Marching along the Street , espied a Woman in a corner relieving Nature from the uneasiness of a Burthen she could keep no longer , one of them cryed out to tother , pointing to the Stooping object , Brother , Brother , what a Shameful thing , what a Beastly thing is this ? I Vow , Brother , this is a thing that ought to be Peep'd into . The other being a more sensible Man , Prithee Brother ( said he ) do thou Peep into 't then , for I care not to run such a hazard of my Eye-sight . Besides ( said he ) the thing 's to Deep for our inspection ; and therefore we shall only be laugh'd at for meddling with the matter . They are very busie in detecting one anothers failings ; and he is accounted , by their Church Governers , a Meritorious Christian , that betrays his Neighbour to a Whipping-Post . A good Cudgel apply'd in the Dark , is an excellent Medicine for a Malignant Spirit . I knew it once Experienced at Boston , with very good success , upon an Old rigged Precisian , one of their Select , who used to be more then ordinary vigilant in discovering every little Irregularity in the Neighbour-hood ; I happening one Night to be pritty Merry with a Friend , opposite to the Zealots dwelling , who got out of his Bed in his Wast-coat and Drawers , to listen at our Window . My Friend having oft been serv'd so , had left unbolted his Cellar Trap-door , as a Pitfall for Mr. Busie-Body , who stepping upon it , sunk down with an Out-cry like a distressed Mariner in a sinking Pinnace . My Friend having planted a Cudgel ready , run down Stairs , crying Thieves , and belabour'd Old Troublesome very sevearly before he would know him . He crying out I am your Neighbour . You Lye , you Lye , you Rogue , says my Friend , my Neighbours are Honest Men , you are some Thief come to Rob my House . By this time I went down with a Candle , my Friend seeming wonderfully surpriz'd to see 't was his Neighbour , and one of the Select too , put on a Counterfeit Countenance , and heartily beg'd his Pardon . Away troop'd the Old Fox , Grumbling and Shruging up his Shoulders ; and became afterwards the most Moderate Man in Authority in the whole Town of Boston . A little Pains sometimes do good To such Cross Knotty Sticks of Wood. Correction is the best Recept , To set a Crooked Temper Streight . If such Old Stubborn Boughs can Bend , And from a just Chastisment mend , Fond Parents pray asign a Reason , Why Youth should want it in due Season ? The Women here , are not at all inferiour in Beauty to the Ladies of London , having rather the Advantage of a better Complexion ; but as for the Men , they are generally Meagre ; and have got the Hypocritical knack , like our English Iews , of screwing their Faces , into such Puritanical postures that you would think they were always Praying to them selves , or running melancholy Mad about some Mistery in the Revelations : So that 't is rare to see a handsome Man in the Country , for they have all one Cast , but of what Tribe I know not . A Woman that has lost her Reputation , hath lost her Portion , her Virginity is all her Treasure : And yet the Merry Lasses esteem it but a Trifle , for they had rather , by far , loose that then their Teeming-time . The Gravity and Piety of their looks , are of great Service to these American Christians ▪ It makes strangers that come amongst them , give Credit to their Words . And it is a Proverb with those that know them , Whosoever believes a New-England Saint , shall be sure to be Cheated : And he that knows how to deal with their Traders , may Deal with the Devil and fear no Craft . I was mightily pleas'd one Morning with a Contention between two Boys at a Pump in Boston , about who should draw their Water first . One Jostled the other from the Handle , and he would fill his Bucket first , because his Master said Prayers and sung Psalms twice a Day in his Family , and the others Master did not . To which the Witty Knave made this reply , Our House stands backward in a Court : if my Master had a Room next the Street , as your Master has ▪ he 'd Pray twice to your Masters once , that he wou'd , and therefore I 'll fill any Pail first , Marry will I ; and did accordingly . Some Years Ago , when the Factors at Boston were Credited with large Stocks by our English Merchants , and being backward in their Returns , and more in their Books then they were willing to satisfie , contriv'd this Stratagem to out-wit their Correspondents . As 't is said , They set Fire to their Ware-houses , after the disposal of their Goods , and Burnt them down to the Ground , pretending in their Letters , they were all undone , their Cargos and Books all destroy'd ; and so at once Ballanc'd their Accounts , with England . One of their Factors , who had three or four Thousand Pounds worth of an English Merchants Goods in his Hands , sends him an Account of this Lamentable Mischance , to the purpose he was quite Ruin'd , and had lost all but a small Cheese of four Pound Weight , which he sent him for a present . The Merchant having had some Intelligence of the Roguery of his Factor , invites several Eminent Merchants ( that dealt to New-England ) to Dinner with him , who came accordingly , he having prepar'd an Extraordinary Feast to entertain them . They mightily condol'd his great Loss , ( he making slight of it ) and blam'd him for the Extravagancy of his Treat , after he had sustain'd so considerable a Misfortune . Ah! Gentlemen , says he , this is nothing to what I have provided you : I have one Dish still to come up , which cost me between three and four Thousand Pounds ; and , notwithstanding its costliness , I think it not Good enough for such worthy Company . The Gentlemen look'd one upon another , and thought he was Frenzical . In the interim , up came his New-England Present , under a cover . That 's the Dish , says the Master of the Feast , that stood me in so many Thousands . 'T is but a small Morsel , considering the Price . The Company all wondering of what delicates the Cook must have compos'd this Extravagant Kickshaw , lifted up the Cover , and finding nothing but a Cheese , laugh'd as heartily at their Disapointment , as the Mob in the Fable at the Mountain-mouse . Then he continued their Mirth by unfolding the Riddle : And Swore , if ever he trusted a New-England Saint again for three Pence , the Devil shou'd have a Title to him and his Heirs for half the Money . The Ground upon which Boston ( the Metropolis of New-England ) stands , was purchas'd from the Natives , by the first English Proprietors , for a Bushel of Wampum-peag and a Bottle of Rum , being of an inconsiderable Value . Therefore the Converted Indians , ( who have the use of the Scriptures ) cannot blame Esau for selling his Birth-right for a mess of Porrage . The Latitude of Boston is accounted 42 deg . 30 Min. North. Its Longitude 315 deg . And is very commodiously Seated upon a Bay , large enough for the Anchorage of 500 Sail of Ships . Of the Country in General . New-England is computed to begin at 40 , and end at 46 North Latitude ; Running from De-la-Ware-Bay to New-found-Land . The Country is for the most part Wilderness , being generaly Rocky , Woody and Mountainous , very rarely Beautified with Valleys , but those Large and Rich , wherein are Lakes thirty or forty Miles in compass , from whence their great Rivers have their beginnings , and are chiefly Succour'd . There are many Plantations by the Sea-side , Situate for the advantage of the East and South Winds , which coming from Sea produceth , warm Weather . The Nor-west blowing over Land , causeth extremity of Cold ; and very often strikes both Indian and English Inhabitants with that terrible Distemper , called , the Plague in the Back . The Country , by its Climate , is always troubled with an Ague and Fever ; As soon as ever the Cold fit 's over , t is attended with a Hot : And the Natives themselves , whose Bodys are Habituated to the suddain changes , from one Extream to another , cannot but confess , They Freez in Winter and Fry in Summer . A Ridg of White Mountains run almost thro' the Country , whereon lies a remembrance of the past Winter , in the warmest of their weather , An Indian at the sight of the Snow , lodg'd upon the Shoulders of these Hills , will Quake at Midsummer : For they love Cold like a Cricket . At the Top there is a large Plain , ten or twelve Leages over , yielding nothing but Moss , where a Man may walk with his Mistress , in the height of his Juvenality , and not entertain one Thought of attempting her Chastity , it being fatally Cold , and above the Clouds ; and would have been a rare place , for the presumptious Babilonians to have Built their Tower on . Plymouth Plantation was the first English Colony that settled in New-England , in the Year 1618. Their Habitations , at their going on Shore , being empty Hogs-heads , which they whelm'd over their Heads to defend themselves from the cold Damps and falling Mischiefs of the Night . Each House having but one Window , and that 's the Bung-hole , requiring a Cooper instead of a Carpenter to keep their Houses in repair . Their Provision ( till better acquainted with the Country ) being only Pumkin , which they Cook'd as many several ways , as you may Dress Venison : And is continued to this Day as a great dish amongst the English. Pumpkin Porrage being as much in esteem with New-England Saints , as Ielly Broth with Old-England Sinners . Ten Years expired , before any other Colonies were Planted ; since which time the Possessions of the English are so greatly improv'd , That in all their Colonies , they have above a Hundred and Twenty Towns , And is at this Time one of the most Flourishing Plantations belonging to the English Empire . There is a large Mountain , of a Stupendious height , in an Uninhabitable part of the Country , which is call'd the Shining Mountain , from an amaizing Light appearing on the Top , visible at many Leages distance , but only in the Night . The English have been very curious in examining the Reason of it ; and have , in Bodies , with great Pains and Danger , attempted a rational Discovery of this Prodigy to no purpose : For they could not observe any thing upon it to occasion this unusual brightness . It is very terrible to the Indians , who are of a blind Opinion that it contains great Riches , and the Devil lives there ; and do assert , That when any of them ascend this place , they are met by something in the figure of an Old Indian , that commands them to return , or if they proceed further they shall Die , which several have found true , by presuming to climb higher , heedless of the caution . Of the Native English in General . The Women ( like the Men ) are excessive Smokers ; and have contracted so many ill habits from the Indians , that 't is difficult to find a Woman cleanly enough for a Cook to a Squemish Lady , or a Man neat enough for a Vallet to Sir Courtly Nice . I am sure a Covent-Garden Beau , or a Bell-fa would appear to them much stranger Monsters , then ever yet were seen in America . They Smoke in Bed , Smoke as they Nead their Bread , Smoke whilst they 'r Cooking their Victuals , Smoke at Prayers , Work , and Exonoration , that their Mouths stink as bad as the Bowl of a Sailers Pipe , which he has funk'd in , without Burning , a whole Voyage to the Indias . Eating , Drinking , Smoking and Sleeping , takes up four parts in five of their Time ; and you may divide the remainder into Religious Excercise , Day Labour , and Evacuation . Four Meals a Day , and a good Knap after Dinner , being the Custom of the Country . Rum , alias Kill Devil , is as much ador'd by the American English , as a dram of Brandy is by an old Billingsgate . T is held as the Comforter of their Souls , the Preserver of their Bodys , the Remover of their Cares , and Promoter of their Mirth ; and is a Soveraign Remedy against the Grumbling of the Guts , a Kibe-heel , or a Wounded Conscience , which are three Epidemical Distempers that afflict the Country . Their Industry , as well as their Honesty , deserves equal Observation ; for it is practicable amongst them , to go two miles to catch a Horse , and run three Hours after him , to Ride Half a Mile to Work , or a Quarter of a Mile to an Ale-house . One Husband-man in England , will do more Labour in a Day , then a New-England Planter will be at the pains to do in a Week : For to every Hour he spends in his Grounds , he will be two at an Ordinary . They have wonderful Appetites , and will Eat like Plough-men ; tho very Lazy , and Plough like Gentlemen : It being no rarity there , to see a Man Eat till he Sweats , and Work till he Freezes . The Women are very Fruitful , which shows the Men are Industrious in Bed , tho' Idle up . Children and Servants are there very Plenty ; but Honest-men and Virgins as scarce as in other places . Provisions being Plenty , their Marriage-Feasts are very Sumptious . They are sure not to want Company to Celebrate their Nuptials ; for its Customary in every Town , for all the Inhabitants to Dine at a Wedding without Invitation : For they value their Pleasure at such a rate , and bear such an affection to Idleness , that they would run the hazard of Death or Ruin , rather then let slip so Merry a Holy-day . The Women , like Early Fruits , are soon Ripe and soon Rotten . A Girl there at Thirteen , thinks herself as well Quallified for a Husband , as a forward Miss at a Boarding-School , does here at Fifteen for a Gallant . He that Marrys a New-England Lass at Sixteen , if she prove a Snappish Gentlewoman , her Husband need not fear she will bite his Nose off ; for its ten to one but she hath shed her Teeth , and has done Eating of Crust , before she arrives to that Maturity . It is usual for the Men to be Grey at Thirty ; and look as Shrivel'd in the Face , as an old Parchment Indenture pasted upon a Barbers Block . And are such lovers of Idleness , That they are desirous of being thought Old , to have a better pretence to be Lazy . The Women have done bearing of Children by that time they are Four and Twenty : And she that lives un-Married till she 's Twenty Five , may let all the Young Sports-men in the Town give her Maiden-head chase without the Danger of a Timpany . Notwithstanding their Sanctity , they are very Prophane in their common Dialect . They can neither drive a Bargain , nor make a Iest , without a Text of Scripture at the end on 't . An English Inhabitant having sold a Bottle of Rum to an Indian ( contrary to the Laws of the Country ) was detected in it ; and order'd to be Lash'd . The Fellow brib'd the Whipster to use him tenderly ; but the Flog-master resolving ( being a Conscientious Man ) to do his Duty Honestly , rather punish'd the Offender with the greater severity , who casting a sorrowful look over his Shoulder , Cry'd out , the Scripture sayeth , Blessed is the Merciful Man. The Scourgineer replying , and it also says , Cursed is he that doeth the work of the Lord Negligently : And for fear of coming under the Anathema , laid him on like an unmerciful Dog , till he had given him a thorough Fellow-feeling of his Cat of Nine-tailes . Their Lecture-Days are call'd by some amongst them , Whore Fair , from the Levity and Wanton Frollicks of the Young People , who when their Devotion 's over , have recourse to the Ordinaries , where they plentifully wash away the remembrance of their Old Sins , and drink down the fear of a Fine , or the dread of a Whipping-post . Then Vptails-all and the Devils as busie under the Petticoat , as a Iuggler at a Fair , or a Whore at a Carnival . Husking of Indian-Corn , is as good sport for the Amorous Wag-tailes in New-England , as Maying amongst us is for our forward Youths and Wenches . For 't is observ'd , there are more Bastards got in that Season , than in all the Year beside ; which Occasions some of the looser Saints to call it Rutting Time. Many of the Leading Puritans may ( without Injustice ) be thus Characteris'd . They are Saints without Religion , Traders without Honesty , Christians without Charity , Magistrates without Mercy , Subjects without Loyalty , Neighbours without Amity , Faithless Friends , Implacable Enemys , and Rich Men without Money . They all pretend to be driven over by Persecution , which their Teachers Roar out against in their Assemblies , with as much bitterness , as a double refin'd Protestant can belch forth against the Whore of Babylon : Yet have they us'd the Quakers with such severity , by Whipping , Hanging , and other Punishments , forcing them to put to Sea in Vessels without Provision , they flying with Gladness to the Merciless Ocean , as their only Refuge under Heaven , left to escape the Savage Fury of their Vnchristian Enemies , till drove by Providence upon Rhoad-Island ( so call'd from their accidental discovery of it in their Stroling Adventure ) which they found full of Fruits and Flowers , a Fertile Soil , and extreamly Pleasant , being the Garden of America ; where they happily Planted themselves , making great improvements : There Live and Flourish , as the Righteous , like a Bay-Tree under the Noses of their Enemies . The Clergy , tho' they Live upon the Bounty of their Hearers , are as rediculously Proud , as their Communicants are shamefully Ignorant . For tho' they will not suffer their Unmannerly Flock to worship their Creator with that Reverence and Humility as they ought to do , but tell them 't is Popery to uncover their Heads in the House and Presence of the Deity ; yet they Oblige every Member to pay an humble respect to the Parsons Box , when they make their offerings every Sunday , and fling their Mites into their Teacher●s Treasury . So that the Haughty Prelate exacts more Homage , as due to his own Transcendency , than he will allow to be paid to Heaven or its place of Worship . If you are not a Member in full Communion with one of their Assemblies , your Progeny is deny'd Baptism , for which reason , there are Hundreds amongst them , at Mans Estate , that were never Christened . All Handicrafts-Men may live here very well , except a Pick-pocket ; of all Artificers he would find the least Encouragement ; for the scarcity of Money would baulk his Tallent . An Eminent Planter came to me for an Ounce of Venice-treacle , which I would have sold him for a Shilling ; he protested he had liv'd there Fifty Years , and never see in the whole Term , Ten Pounds in Silver-Money of his own ; and yet was Rated at a Thousand Pounds , and thought the Assessors us'd him kindly ▪ But gave me for my Medicine a Bushel of Indian-Corn , vallued at half a Crown , and Vow'd if a Shilling would save his Family from distruction , he knew not how to raise it . They have a Charter for a Fair at Salem , but it Begins , like Ingerstone Market , half an Hour after Eleven a Clock , and Ends half an Hour before Twelve : For I never see any thing in it but by great Accident , and those were Pumkins , which were the chief Fruit that supported the English at their first settling in these parts . But now they enjoy plenty of good Provisions , Fish , Flesh and Fowl , and are become as great Epicures , as ever Din'd at Pontack's Ordinary . Lobsters and Cod-fish are held in such disdain , by reason of their Plenty , 't is as Scandalous for a poor Man in Boston to carry one through the streets , as 't is for an Alderman in the City of London , to be seen walking with a Groatsworth of Fresh-Herrings , from Billings-gate to his own House . There were formerly amongst them ( as they themselves Report ) abundance of Witches , and indeed I know not , but there may be as many now , for the Men look still as if they were Hag-ridden ; and every Stranger ; that comes into the Country , shall find they will Deal by him to this Day , as if the Devil were in ' em . Witchcraft they Punish'd with Death , till they had Hang'd the best People in the Country , and Convicted the Culprit upon a single Evidence : So that any prejudic'd person , who bore Malice against a Neighbour , had an easie method of removing their Adversary . But since , upon better consideration , they have Mitigated the severity of that unreasonable Law , there has not been one accused of Witchcraft , in the whole Country . Many are the Bug-bear storys reported of these suppos'd Negromancers , but few Believ'd , tho' I presume none True , yet all Collected and already Printed , I shall therefore omit the relating of any . They have one very wholesome Law , which would do mighty well to be in force in Old-England ; which is a Peculiar method they have of Punishing Scolds . If any Turbulent Woman be Troubled with an unruly Member , and uses it to the Defamation of any Body , or disquiet of her Neighbours , upon Complaint , she is order'd to be Gag'd and set at her own Door as many Hours as the Magistrates shall think fit , there to be gaiz'd at by all Passengers till the time 's expired . Which , to me ▪ seems the most Equitable Law imaginable to Punish more particularly that Member which committed the Offence . Whipping is a Punishment so Practicable in this Country , upon every slight Offence , that at a Town upon the Sound , call'd New-Haven , the People do confess , that all the Inhabitants of that Place , above the Age of Fourteen , had been Whip'd for some Misdemeanour or other ( except two ) the Minister and the Iustice. Of the Beasts . They have most sort of Four-footed Beasts that we have here , only something different in either Sise or Colour , but of the same Species . I shall only mention those which are Natives of that Country , and to us uncommon ; for to Treat of Creatures dayly to be seen , or heard of in our own Climate , will afford the Reader but little Satisfaction . First of the Moos-Deer . Of all the Creatures that inhabit these parts of America , the Moos-deer makes the most Noble figure : He is shap'd like an English Deer , only round Footed ; but of a stately Stature , seldom so low as the biggest of our Oxen. His Head fortified with Horns proportionable , whose Palms are very broad , full of indented branches , and are commonly two Fathom distance from Tip to Tip. His Flesh is not dry , like Venison , but moist and Lushious ; extreamly palatable , and very wholesome . The flesh of their Fawns , is also delicious Food ; highly commended by all such who are more than ordinary Nice in obliging their Voluptuous Appetites . There is much said by the Phisicians of that Country concerning the Excellent Virtues of the Horn of this Creature : Being look'd upon as an incomparable Restorative against all inward weaknesses ; and in all Cases where Harts-honn is prescrib'd , the Moos-horn they look upon to be a far better Medicine ; half the Quantity being more powerful in effect . Of the Bear. The Bears that Inhabit this part of America , are generally of a blackish Colour during the Winter season , which is much colder than in England . They defend themselves from the hardship of the weather , by retiring into Caves , where they continue for about four Months ; in which time their Snows are pretty well dissolv'd , and the severity of their Frost over . They are commonly very Fat in the fall of the Leaf , by feeding upon Acorns , at which time the Indians destroy a great many ; looking upon 'em then to be incomparable Venison : But the Head , I believe , is but a sorry dish , because they hold the Brains to be Venomous . They are very fierce in Rutting-time ; and then walk the Country round , thirty or forty in a Company , making a hedious roaring , which may be heard a Mile or two before they come near enough to endanger a Traveller . They will never injure a Man at any other time of the Year , except you attempt to hurt them first ; But if you Shoot at one , and miss him , he will certainly destroy you ; which makes the Indians sure of their Mark before ever they discharge their Piece . Their Skins they sell to the English , but the Flesh they Cook sundry ways , Salting and Drying some , of which they make extraordinary Bacon , no Hogs-flesh in the world being more pleasant to the Eye , grateful to the Tast , or agreeable to the Appetite . Of the Raccoon . It is a Creature about the bigness of a Cat , but of a different Species . It s Furr is of a dark colour , and in good esteem , tho' something course . He is of an Owlish disposition ; and chooses for his Mansion-house a Hollow-Tree . They are meer Gluttons at Indian-Corn ; and feed themselves in Autumn very fat . Their flesh is dark , like Venison ; and accounted good Food Roasted . Of the Wild-Cat , Which the Indians call the Ounce . T is as tall as an English Bull-dog ; and as fierce . Their manner of Preying , is to climb a Tree , and drop from the Branches upon the Back of Horse , Cow , Deer , or any Creature that is feeding under it ; clinging close with their Tallons , knawing a great hole between the Shoulders of the Beast , who runs full speed till he drops down Dead , and becomes a prey to his subtile Enemy . Their Flesh Roasted , is as good as Lamb , and as white . Of the Porcupine . This is a very peevish , also a dangerous Creature ; being the height of an ordinary Mungril , but in shape like an Hedge-hog , arm'd all over with mischievous Darts , as a Hemp-dressers Comb with Teeth ; which he exercises with as much Art as an old Soldier does his Pike , charging them according as you Attack him , to the Right , Left , Front , or Rear , which they will Shoot at their Enemies a considerable distance ; and wherever they Stick in the Flesh , if you pluck them not out presently , they will work thro' . The Indians use these Quills to adorn their Birchen Dishes . The Flesh they do not Eat . Of the Beaver . This is an Amphibeous Creature , rather larger than an Otter , Hairy all over but his Tail , which is Scaly like a Fish ; and is of an admirable Instinct , as is observ'd by their artificial Dam-heads , by which , in dry Seasons , they raise the Water to their Houses , when the Pond , upon whose brinks they dwell , is sunk from it's usual Edges . Their Nests or Burrow which they make , are three Stories high , that in case excessive Rains should over-flow their first and second Floor , they may mount into their Garrets , there Sleep in a dry Skin till the Floods abated . They have two pair of Testacles , one soft and Oily ; and the other pair hard or solid . The Women dry the latter , and grate them into Wine , to further Generation , remove the causes of Barrenness , prevent Miscarriages , and to strengthen Nature against , and also moderate the Pains of Delivery . They Eat no part of this Creature but the Tail , which they flea and boil , accounting it rare Victuals . It 's very Fat , and Eats like Marrow , being an excellent Supper for a Bride-groom , or good Food for that unhappy Man who has Marry'd a Wife much Younger than himself : Of their Furr , mix'd with Coney-wooll , they make your Beaver-hats . Of the Jackall . These are very numerous in New-England . They are the colour of a Grey Rabbit ; something less than a Fox , having much the same Scent , but not so strong . This is the Creature reported to hunt the Lyons prey , which make some suspect there are Lyons , but there never was but one seen as we have any account of ; and that was shot by an Indian , with Bow and Arrow , Sixty Years ago , as he lay Dormant upon the Body of an Oak , by a Hurricane blown up by the Roots . The Iackall is sometimes Eaten by the Indians . Wolves there are abundance , of two sorts , one like a Mungril , which kills Goats , Sheep , &c. And the other shap'd like a Grey-hound , which preys upon Deer . They are very shy and difficult to be Shot or Trap'd . Their manner of distroying them , being by four Maycril-hooks , which they bind together , with their Beards revers'd , then hide them with a Ball of Tallow , and tie it to the Carkass of any thing they have just kill'd , from which you have scar'd them , and when he comes to make up his Meale , being a lover of Fat , he certainly takes your Bait , and becomes your Prisoner . Besides what I have above mentioned , they have a great deal of good Provisions , as Beef , Mutton , Kid , Swines-Flesh , &c. Also great Plenty both of Fish and Fowl ; the Particulars being too large to Treat of in so Brief an Account . Of the Indians , and first of the Men. They are generally of a comely Stature , grave Disposition , deliberate in their Talk , and courteous in their Carriage , quick of Apprehension , very Ingenious , Subtile , Proud and Lazy . There is nothing they Value so much as Liberty and Ease . They will not become Servil upon any Terms whatsoever , or abridge their Native Freedom , with either Work or Confinement , to gain the Universe : For they neither covet Riches , or dread Poverty : But all seem Content with their own Conditions , which are in a manner Equal . For these four Virtues they are very Eminent , viz. Loyal to their Kings , Constant to their Wives , Indulgent to their Children , and Faithful to their Trust. For nothing will tempt them to offer Violence to their Sagamore , to abuse their Squawes , use Soverity with their Papooses , or betray a Secret ; rather chusing to die then do either . They call themselves Hunters ; and are very dexterous at the use of either Gun or Bow , by the excercise of which ; they maintain themselves and Families . They acknowledge a God , whom they Worship for his Benefits . They believe a Devil , whom they Adore thro' Fear . And have a Blind Notion of Futurity , which appears by their manner of Interring their Dead , with whom they bury his Bow , Gun , with Provisions for his Journy into a better Country ; but where or what it is they know not . Upon the breaking out of a War , or such extraordinary Occasions , as the old Romans consulted their Oracles , so do the Indians their Pawaws , which are a kind of Wizards : And at a General Pawawing , the Country a Hundred Miles round assemble themselves in a Body ; and when they are thus met , they kindle a large Fire , round which the Pawaw walks , and beats himself upon his Breast , muttering out a strange sort of intricate Jargon , till he has Elivated himself into so great an Agony , that he falls down by the Fire in a Trance ; during which time , the Sagamores ask him what they have a mind to know : After which , he is convey'd thro' the Fire , in the same posture that he lies , by a Power invisible , in the sight of the Spectators ; then awakes , and Answers the several Questions ask'd by their Kings or Sachems . The chiefest Vice amongst them is Drunkenness , which ( to the Reputation of Christianity ) they learn'd of the English : And are so greedy of being Drunk , when they have purchas'd any Rum , that if they have not enough to Fuddle their whole Society , they draw Cuts who shall Drink , till it falls into the hands of so few , they may be sure to have their Bellies full . When they get Drunk they are very Mischievous one to another : But are never known to offer any Indignity to their Kings , who are Hail Fellow well met with his Subjects . Their Garments are Mantles , about the bigness of a Cradle-Rug , made of course English Cloth , which they call a Coat . They also have a piece of the same Cloth , about six Inches wide , between their Legs , tuck'd under a Deer's-Skin Belt , to hide their Privities , by them call'd Breeches . Adorning themselves with Beads of several Colours , of their own making . Their Heads , Breast , Legs and Thighs being bare . Sometimes , for their Children , they Weave Coates of Turky Feathers . Their Houses they call Wigwams ; and are built with bended Poles , after the fashion of our Arbours , cover'd with Bark of Trees , and lin'd with Mats they make of Rushes , leaving a hole at top for a Smoke-vent , kindling their Fires in the middle of their Wigwams . Their Lodging is upon Hurdles , rais'd from the Ground with Wooden Stumps . Of their Women . Their Squaws when Young , are generally round Visage'd , well Feitur'd , Plump , and Handsome ; black-Eyed , with Alabaster Teeth , a Satin Skin , and of excellent proportion ; with tolerable Complections , which they injure much with Red-lead and Bears-grease , being so silly to believe it gives an advantage to their Beauty . They are extreamly Modest when Virgins ; very Continent when Wives , Obedient to their Husbands , and tender Mothers to their Children . From whom our English Ladies might learn those Virtues , which would heighthen their Charms , and Illusterate their Perfection beyound the Advantages of gaudy Dresses . They are much in the Condition of our first Parents ; having a little more than a Fig-leaf to hide their Nakedness : Yet the modestty of their deportment , makes it not look like Impudence but Necessity . They carry their Children at their Backs , lac'd to a Board in the form of a Boot-jack : which is said to be the reason their Children are never Rickety , or shall you ever see a Bandy-leg'd or Crooked Indian . Of their Food . Their Diet is Fish , Fowl , Bear , Wild-cat , Raccoon , Deer , Oysters , Lobsters roasted or dry'd in Smoke , Lampres , Moot-tongues dry'd , which they esteem a dish for a Sagamore . With hard Eggs Pulveriz'd , they thicken their Broth ; Indian-Corn and Kidney-Beans boil'd , Earth-Nuts , Chest-Nuts , Lilly-Roots , Pumpkins , Milions , and divers sorts of Berries ; Cook'd after various manners . Their Distempers are , Quinsies , Pleurisies , Sciatica , Head-Ach , Palsey , Dropsie , Worms , Cancer , Pestilent Fever and Scurvy ; For all which Diseases , the Indians are Incomparable Physicians : Being well skill'd in the Nature of Herbs and Plants of that Country . But the English will not make use of them , because their Ministers have infus'd this Notion into 'em , That what they do , is by the Power of the Devil . FINIS . 
A71299	----	The insinuating bawd and the repenting harlot written by a whore at Tunbridge, and dedicated to a bawd at the Bath. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1699 Approx. 30 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2008-09 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A71299 Wing W738A ESTC R8643 12381526 ocm 12381526 60779 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A71299) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 60779) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 904:39 or 1107:10) The insinuating bawd and the repenting harlot written by a whore at Tunbridge, and dedicated to a bawd at the Bath. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. [4], 12 p. Printed, and are sold by most booksellors, London : [1699] In verse. Attributed to Ward by Wing and NUC pre-1956 imprints. Date of publication suggested by Wing. Advertisement: p. [2]. This work appears on reel 904:39 and 1107:10. Reproduction of original in the Huntington Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Vice -- Anecdotes 2007-03 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2007-04 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2007-05 Robyn Anspach Sampled and proofread 2007-05 Robyn Anspach Text and markup reviewed and edited 2008-02 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE Insinuating Bawd : AND THE Repenting Harlot . Written by a Whore at Tunbridge , and Dedicated to a Bawd at the Bath . LONDON Printed , and are Sold by most Booksellors . Books Printed and Sold by J. How , in the Ram-Head-Inn-Yard in Fenchurch-Street ; and by M. Fabian , at Mercers-Chappel . 1. SOt's Paradise : Or the Humours of a Derby-Ale-House : With a Satyr upon the Ale. Price Six Pence . 2. A Trip to Jamaica : With a True Character of the People and Island Price Six Pence . 3. Ecclesia & Factio . A Dialogue between Bow-Steeple-Dragon , and the Exchange-Grashoper . Price Six pence . 4. The Poet 's Ramble after Riches . With Reflections upon a Country Corporation . Also the Author's Lamentation in the time of Adversity . Price Six pence . 5. A Trip to New-England . With a Character of the Country and People , both English and Indians . Price Six pence . 6. Modern Religion , & Ancient Loyalty : A Dialogue . Price Six Pence . 7. The World Bewitch'd . A Dialogue between two Astrologers and the Author . With Infallible Predictions of what will happen from the Vices and Villanies Practis'd in Court , City , and Country . Price Six pence . 8. A Walk to Islington : With a Description of New Tunbridge-Wells , and Sadler's Musick-House . Price Six pence . 9. The Humours of a Coffee-House : A Comedy . Price Six Pence . 10. A Frolick to Horn-Fair . With a Walk from Cuckold's-Point thro' Deptford and Greenwich . Price Six pence . 11. The Dancing-School . With the Adventures of the Easter-Holy-Days . Price Six pence . 12. The First Volume of the LONDON-SPY : In Twelve Parts . 13. The Second Volume of the LONDON-SPY : In Six Parts . Price Six Pence each ; or they may be had both Volumes Bound together ; and also Bound with the rest of the Authors Writings . 14. The Metamorphos'd Beau , &c. 15. The English Nun : Or , a Comical Description of a Nunnery . With the Lives and Intrigues of the Priests and Nuns . Price Six Pence . 16. Laugh and be Fat : Or , an Antidote against Melancholy . Containing great variety of Comical Intrigues in Town and Country . To which is added Nine Delightful Tales . Price One Shilling . 17. A Step to the Bath : With a Character of the Place . Price Six Pence . 18. Labour in Vain : Or , what Signifies Little or Nothing , viz. I. The Poor Mans Petition at Court. II. Expectation of Benefit from a Covetous Man in his Life time . III. The Marriage of an Old Man to a Young Woman . IV. Endeavours to Regulate Mens Manners by Preaching or Writing . V. Being a Jacobite . VI. Confining an Insolvent Debtor . VII . Promise of Secrecy in a Conspiracy . VIII . An Enquiry after a Place . THE Repenting Harlot TO THE Insinuating Bawd. Most Hypocritical Beldam ! SVRE nothing but the Vilest Complication of all manner of Devilism , could have Acted a Judas's part with so much subtilty , for the Lucre of a few base Pence , as your abominable self , thou Hodg Podge of all Wickedness ; in deluding a poor Innocent Creature , by the bewitching Sorcery of your Insinuating Tongue , to satisfie the Lust of an Ingrateful Sinner , to her whole Life's Misery . I am Pleas'd with nothing in this World , but to hear the Venereal Remains of your Juvenal Debauches , have sent you Packing to the Bath , to there Parboile your filthy Carcase , with a Vain hope of Repairing your Rotten Limbs , which I believe the best Preserver of Humane Bodies , is unable to keep Alive from Stinking . Some Cripples I have heard , have been so perfectly restor'd to their Healthful Abilites by the Bath , as to leave their Crutches behind 'em : But I question not , if there be any Justice in Hot Water towards thee , the most Infamous of Sinners : If you leave any thing behind you , 't will be your Nose , or your Shinbones , in order to Punish you , for those Ills which you have not been Contented to Practice your self , but to draw Innocence into . The Sufferings and Sorrows I now Labour under , are all owing to your Confounded Ladyship , and your Extasies of Joy with a Pox to 'em , ( for so I 've found 'em ) have struck up such an unextinguishable Fire in my most Pleasurable Apartment , that I fear its past the Power of Tunbridge Waters , Aqua-Tetrachimagogon , or the Pick-a-dilly Engineer , to stop the Flames from consuming the whole miserable Tenement . My Sinful Life , which was at first owing to your self , has brought me Early under Affliction ; and that Affliction , I thank Providence , to an Early Repentance : But if I cannot become a sincere Penitent , without forgiving you , my Vnpardonable Enemy , who first seduc'd me into a State of Corruption , I shall certainly hazard my Salvation , upon a breach of that part of Christianity ; and Dye with as much Malice towards thee , the betrayer of my Innocence , as ever did poor Jacobite Plotter bear to a Confederate , who first drew him into the Design , and afterwards , to save his own Life , hang'd him upon his Evidence . Vnder a Serious Reflection , on my miserable Condition at Tunbridge : I writ the following Poem , which I have Dedicated to your Sinful self , to Remind you of your past Wickedness ; and to Caution Young Ignorant Creatures , how they are Deluded by such Insinuating Beldams , such Kidnappers of Virginity , into the like Vnhappiness : So Wishing you may Dye in a Ditch , and Rot like a Dead Horse , that the Boys may make Catsticks of your Legg Bones , and Raisers of your Ribs , to Play at Trap Ball with , in the Bartholomew Holy-days , I Remain a Miserable Wretch , and your Bitter Enemy till Death . D. B. THE Insinuating Bawd : OR , THE Repenting Harlot . HAPPY was I , before I knew to Sin ; All Charms without , all Innocence within ; No Hateful Envy , my Content withstood ; All things were Grateful , whilst my self was Good : Unsulli'd Pleasures in my Bosom dwelt , My Peaceful Soul no Headstrong Passion felt : No Shame pursu'd , or , did my Mind Affright ; But ev'ry Hour administred Delight : Blest as th' Aspiring Angels , e'er they Fell ; The World seem'd Heaven , for I knew no Hell. No Pride or Lust , my Virgin Brightness Stain'd , Or Vicious Thoughts my Virtuous Will Prophan'd : My Looks and Actions Artless did appear ; Tho' each Oblig'd , yet both Unstudy'd were ; Without Design , all Innocent and Free ; I knew no Sin , and could no Curse foresee . My Beauty and Deportment were approv'd , By th' Old Applauded , by the Young Belov'd . Thus was my Youth by Virtue 's Charms inspir'd , By all Respected , and by most Admir'd ; Proud was the Man , and Blest the Happy He , That could obtain one minutes Companie ; Which then to the false Sex I could impart , And feel no Feaverish Throbing in my Heart . Talk of Chaste Love , and raise no ill Desire , Toy without Kindling up a Lustful Fire ; Could Wander without Fear from Field to Grove , And think of nothing but the Name of Love : Yet found my Sweeter Innocence supply'd The want of Joys my Tender years deny'd . Thus I remain ▪ d from Sinful Sorrows free , No Saint on Earth could sure more Happy be ; Till I the Term of Sixteen years had been A Faithful Subject to bright Virtue 's Queen ; And then my own Base Sex seduc'd me first to Sin. One who by long Experience knew the way To raise Desires would Tender Youth betray , And make the Giddy Maid , with Eager haste , Pursue those Pleasures , 't is a Crime to Taste . The insinuating Temptress , thus began To Bribe my Ears , and Bend my Thoughts t'wards Man. Madam , Since Heav'n so largely has bestow'd On you those Blessings , but to few allow'd ▪ And now your Charms , in Natures Law 's Vntaught , Are by Ripe Years to full Perfection brought ; 'T is to the Donor sure a great abuse , When grown Mature , to keep 'em back from Vse : By our Grave Guides , how often are we told , How much the Miser Sins , that hoards his Gold. If you those Charms from their true Vse Conceal , You 're doubtless Guilty of as great an Ill. Beauty , like Money , 's made to be Employ'd ; And not by Age to molter Vn-enjoy'd : For it were , where would the diff'rence be , Betwixt the Fairest , and the Homely'st She ? The soft Young Damsel , with her Magick Eyes , And all the Charms Dame Nature can Devise , If she but Tempts to what must be Deny'd , Imprisons Beauty by a Senseless Pride ; The Dowdy's far more Blest , that freely is Enjoy'd . For Niggards , tho' Possest with useless Store , Thro' Willful wants , Live Poorer than the Poor : Consider , Child , what Pity it would be , That Fruit like yours , should Wither on the Tree : Those Rubie Cheeks , that look so Fresh and Gay , Will in short time , if not Enjoy'd , Decay . That warm Complexion , that preserves the Grace Of each soft Feature in your Lovely Face , Will Sickly grow , and Fade in spight of Art , Lest the Blind God , soon Bleeds you with his Dart : See how Lucinda's Charms at once are gone , Whose Eyes of late , with so much Lustre shone ; And all the Roses that her Cheeks Adorn'd , Are into Yellow Fading Tulips turn'd ; Her Limbs , that with such Air and Freedom mov'd , Are Lazy grown , unfit to be Belov'd : Her deprav'd Stomach does for nothing Call , But Cinders , Oat-Meal , ' Baccopipes , and Wall : Her Blood 's Corrupted , and her Breath's grown Short ; And all for want of Love's Salubrious Sport. Therefore , Dear Madam , don't Repent too Late , That you are fall'n beneath Lucinda's Fate ; B●●●●se the happy means that may prevent Those Ills occasion'd by severe Restraint : Such Knowledge you will find , such Pleasure take In the first Sweet Experiment you make ; You 'll own each Blissful moment you Employ , Is worth an Age Exempted from the Joy. Your Soul will find an Extasie so great , What now you Fear , you 'll Study to Repeat . The Vnexperienc'd Nymph that 's Chaste and Fair , Does but the Fetters of Blind Ign'rance wear ; Whilst she that 's Wise , dissolves the feeble Chain , By Vent'ring once to lose what 's kept in Pain . When I first took the Counsel that I give , Such Pleasing Knowledge did my Soul Revive , I 'd rather Feast and Dye , than not to Taste and Live. Madam , said I , I know not what you mean , Something methinks I want , but fear to Sin ; You Talk of Joys to such a Blest degree , What 's sure so Pleasant , cannot Sinful be ; And yet methinks , who 'd Heavens Laws Controul , Were it not Pleasure that beguil'd the Soul ? Barely the Hopes , not certainty of Joy , Did Eve , amidst her Innocence Decoy ; 'T was not the Fruit , but what the Tempter said , That her weak Nature to his Will Betray'd . If Talk of Pleasures will the Mind subdue , What then must Joys in full Fruition do . The very Words are Pleasant you impart , And makes a Wellcome Feaver in my Heart : My Soul Divided , struggles hard within ; Betwixt the Hopes of Joy , and Fear of Sin : A warm Desire thro' ev'ry Fibre glides ; Something I want , which something else forbids , What 't is you 've made me Covet to Possess , Dear Madam tell me , for I cannot guess . With Looks disorder'd , I approach'd more nigh , And eagerly attended her Reply . Finding her Words had some Impression made , She took me by the Hand , and thus she said : Madam , The Joys your full-blown Years require , Are Just to Act , and Nat'ral to Desire : 'T is the sweet Game that all Mankind pursue , The Prince , the Peasant , Priest , and Poet too : It Sweetens Life in every Degree ; Makes Crowns sit Easie , and the Pen run Free : It is the Virgins Hope , the Wives Delight , The Business of the Day , the Bliss of Night . It begets Frendship , puts an end to Strife , Is the Blest Warmth that gives the World new Life . Such are the Joys , you now are Ripe to Prove , I' th' Sweet Embraces of a Man you Love , Hugg'd in his Arms , if Pliable and Kind ; There , there , the Happy Secret you will find . But Man , said I , I 've heard my Mother say , Is False , and cannot Love above a Day ; Will Swear ten thousand Lyes , to be Believ'd ; And Fawn , and Flatter , till h' has one Deceiv'd : But when h' has gain'd his End , inclin'd to Rove , Slights what he Vow'd he could for Ages Love. And leaves the Sighing Wretch he has betray'd , To drown in Tears , the false kind things he said . How then can I such Happiness obtain , From Faithless Man , so Fickle , and so Vain . Methinks , I only could the Youth approve , That could , like me , for Ever ever Love ; Conform to th' Sacred Tye , make me his Wife , And bind himself to Love me for his Life : In such a Man , I 'm sure I could Delight , Please him all Day , and Hug him close all Night . Dear Child , says she , You much , Alas ! mistake ; Those Bonds are Tiresome which we cannot break : Fear , Jealousie , and Doubt , Improve the Bliss ; The Pleasure 's Lost , when Chains have made you his . Our Sex too often has Confest , in Tears , Cupid withdraws , when once the Priest appears : Marriage and Love , we by Experience find , Differ like Freedom , and Restraint , in kind ; And if they mix , 't is with much Pains and Toil , As Skilful Cooks , mix Vinegar with Oyl . Therefore in Love , if you would happy be , Keep , whilst you 're Youthful , Unconfin'd and Free : And if your weary Confident should Range , The Bonds are Void , and you your self may change : Your Love , whenever your Gallant has Err'd , May to another justly be Transferr'd : But if in Wedlocks Fetters , you are Bound , For Wrongs you Suffer , no Relief is found ; Slights and Neglects ; nay , Blows perhaps endure ; And bear with Patience , what Revenge should Cure : Husbands maintain an Arbitrary Sway , Whilst the Poor Wife must Suffer , and Obey ; And like a Kingdom into Slav'ry drawn ; Thro' Fear , not Love , upon her Tyrant Fawn . Thus must you Study ( tho' Opprest ) to Please , All other means are worse than the Disease . Marriage , as us'd , is but a Womans Yoke ; A Knot for Life , too Stubborn to be broke ; A Prison , which if once you 're into 't Cast , Makes the Sweet Fruit , but Nauseous to the Taste . Therefore the Freedom you Enjoy , Maintain ; Liberty Lost , is difficult to Regain : Whilst Single , you may many Hearts subdue ; Discharge the Faithless , and Oblige the True ; If tir'd with Old ones , change 'em still for New. But if you 're Marry'd , you 're at once undone , And made a despicable Slave to one ; Your Actions all , are Watch'd by many Eyes ; Your very Servants that attend , are Spies ; And each chance Folly , tho' you meant no hurt , Is made Suspicious , by their false Report . But in the State of Freedom , you 're at Ease ; At Leisure may your self or others Please ; Fear no Reproof , be under no Command ; List who you Please ; and when you Please , Disband : Gain , with your Smiles , fresh Conquests ev'ry hour ; Hero 's themselves will yield to Beauties Pleasing Power . Nature b'ing Headstrong , and my Virtue Weak , Methoughts , I could for ever hear her Speak ; I fond of Joy , and Pleas'd with what she said , Too soon Believing , was too soon Misled . Virtue , 't is true , some Opposition gave ; But Rebel Nature would the Conquest have ; And ev'ry Vein with willing Warmth inspir'd , To Play it 's part in what the whole desir'd ; B'ing Ripe and Eager now to be Undone , I to my Temptress thus again begun : Madam , said I , But where 's the Man so just , With whom a Virgin may her Honour trust ? Of all the Sex , I most admire a Beau , But fear he 'll Boast the Favours I bestow ; Yet to a Beau , I could my Heart Resign , He Looks so Prim , so Pritty , and so Fine ; Is so Obliging , Complisant and Free ; Dances , and Hums about so Prettilie : What would I Give , or what but I would do , Could I so dear a Creature but subdue ? Oh how I 'd Love him , his Esteem to Gain , Methinks a Beau , is a Delicious Man. The Cunning Dame , who now my Pulse had felt , To raise Desire , these Pleasing Measures dealt : Madam , The Pritty'st Gentleman I know , You ever saw , or all the World can show ; Whose Comely Stature , and Engaging Mein , Would Tempt a Princess , nay , a Saint , to Sin ; So Brisk and Youthful , Vigorous and Gay , So Courteous , and Obliging every way ; Earth cannot sure produce a Maid that can Resist the Charms of so Compleat a Man ; H' has seen you twice , I 've heard him since oft say ; One time at Church , another at a Play : And Vows , you are the Sweetest Pritty Rogue , That Mortal Man would e'er desire to Hugg ; Swears he could Dote upon your Lovely Face , And gaze all day upon each Charming Grace : Your Eyes have Prick'd his Breast with such a Dart , He 'd give ten thousand Worlds to gain your Heart . When I 've but Nam'd you , he has seem'd so glad ; T'wards you such kind and pritty things has said , Sigh'd , Stretch'd , and Vow'd , he always could adore ; And still Enjoy , yet still Love more and more : Had you been by , you could have done no less , Than Yeilded what he Covets to Possess : Against such Force , no Virtue could maintain Its Ground , Oh , he 's a wond'rous pritty Man ! This false Suggestion , set me all on Fire ; And turn'd my Fears into a Strong Desire : Her Verbal Witchcraft did my Heart subdue ; And made me Languish , for I know not who . Madam , said I , But when shall I obtain , A Sight of this sweet Miracle of Man ; And do you think he Loves me ? Yes , said she , O then thought I , how happy shall I be ; Handsome , Obliging , Young , not given to Rove : Such a dear Man , I could for ever Love : O let me see him , and the Youth shall find , If he 'll be true , I 'll Study to be kind . When the Dame found , she my Consent had won , And I was thus inclin'd to be undone . Put on your Hood and Scarf , dear Child , says she , I 'll make you Happy ; come along with me , And you shall see , e'er a few hours be Past , The Lovely Tree , and it 's sweet Fruit shall Taste : Do you but like the Charming Youth be kind , And you this Night , a Blissful Heav'n shall find : Your Soul shall surfeit with Delights unknown , And Sum up all the Joys on Earth in one . Like our first Mother I was Loth to miss , What false Report had render'd such a Bliss : But with my best Attire , my Charms improv'd , Fed with vain hopes of b'ing the more belov'd ; Wash , Powder , Patches , all th' alluring Arts , Practic'd by Ladies to ensnare Mens Hearts . Thus did I Labour ( Curse upon the Day ) To Tempt that Breast , wherein the Serpent lay : Wretch that I am , was hasty to destroy My whole Life's Comfort for a moments Joy. So Insects fly to Flames which they should shun , And fond of Light , are by the Fire undone ; When drest , some Checks within my Soul I found , But flowing Vice , the Gardian Angel drown'd : A Storm of Lust had so enrag'd my Blood , Alas , I could not Listen to my Good. When thus Equip'd , we made our next approach , To the Street Door , and becken'd to a Coach. My base Conductress did Directions give , And bid the Churl , to th' inward Temple drive ; Where Liv'd my unknown Love , so Gay and Fine , Before made Privy to the Curs'd design : When I alas , to th' Sinful Mansion came ; My Pulse beat high , my Cheeks were Dy'd with Shame : She knock'd , and such an Angel let us in , Whose out-side out-shone all I 'd ever seen : His Gown with Red , Blew , Yellow Stripes was crost , Gaudy as Flame in a hard Winters Frost ; Clad in the Morning Trapings of a Bean ; He Bow'd , and Cring'd , and made a Lovely show : His Lips as soft as Leaves of Roses felt , His Breath , like an Arabian Garden Smelt . From his kind Tongue all Love and Sweetness flow'd , And ev'ry gentle touch his hand bestow'd , Made a strange Ebolition in my Blood. He brought forth Sack , and Drank , but I deny'd , Till begging he prevail'd , and I Comply'd . Thus Enter'd , the Procuress took her Leave ; That she 'd return , did an Assurance give ; Feign'd business , and intreated me to stay , Whilst she dispatch'd Affairs some other way : Rid of her Presence , he began his Court ; Hugg'd me , and Kiss'd me , till my Breath grew short ; Call'd me Fair Angel , and his Charming Saint , Smother'd with Kisses , I began to Faint ; Was sometimes Cold , and then again grew hot , Panted and Trembled , at I knew not what . In this disorder by indecent Force , He something did that made me ten times worse ; With all my Might , I struggl'd ; but half Dead , With his strong Armes , he tost me on his Bed ; Where o'er his Victim he Triumphant got , And did 'twixt Pain and Pleasure , Heav'n knows what : When thus Corrupted with the first Delight , He then perswaded me to stay all Night , I yeilded , but the false seducing Dame ▪ Regardless of her Treach'rous word ne'er came ; At first he prov'd all Love ; I too was kind , Expecting still more Joys than I could find : But when few hours was spent , he turn'd his Back , And grew , methoughts , Cold , Negligent , and Slack : I call'd him dear , but could not make him Speak ; I Hugg'd him , Tugg'd him , but he would not Wake : I' th' Morning Early , by the break o' th' day , He roughly told me , that I must not stay ; I much asham'd arose , and Weeping went away . I Vex●d●and Angry to be thus Misus'd , Though as I found , I 'd been by both abus'd ; Discov'ring , when too late , the Jilting Dame Sold me to quench the Leachers Lustful Flame : And went wi'th ' Judas Pence , she 'd basely gain'd To th' Bath , to have her Rotten Corps new clean'd ; There Stew her Crazy Limbs , with a Vain thought Of Curing Pains her Youthful Sins begot . When enter'd thus , I th' tempting Vice pursu'd , And from my first Corruption grew more Lew'd ; Till by Promiscuous use , I found in th' end , The Sowrest Pains , the Sweetest Sins attend : Such Poisonous Ulcers did my Crimes ensue ; I nauseous to my self and others grew : Thus were my Pleasures punish'd with a Curse ; No Leprosie of Job , could sure be worse ; My Blood did into Loathsome Issues melt ; The parts that Sin'd the most , most Torment felt . Beneath these Miseries , I to Tunbridge went , Backward to Dye , but willing to Repent ; In hopes the cooling Waters would have eas'd , Or quench'd those Fires , my stubborn Lust had rais'd . But when I found the Wells yeild no Relief , My hopes were turn'd into Despair , and Grief . I then reflecting on my wretched State , In Tears , did with my self thus Ruminate : Alas what am I ! whither am I stray'd ? By Lust and Pride , from Virtues Paths missed : What shameful shadows of my Guilt draw near ? How Black and Monst'rous , do my Ills appear ? My thoughts , like Ghastly Fiends , my Soul affright , And threaten her with sad Destruction's Night : How Pale and Yellow , these poor Cheeks are grown , Which once look'd fresh , as Roses newly Blown ? How Lank my Breasts , how Nauseous is my Breath ? O where 's my only kind Physician , Death ? How happy was I once , when I was free From Sinful Thought , from Shame and Miserie ; When ev'ry Eye my spotless Charms admir'd , Enjoying all my Virtuous Life requir'd ? Where are the Flatt'rers , that my Love pursu'd , And would have giv'n whole Worlds to do me good ? Alas , too late , to my sad Grief I find , 'T was Innocence alone made all things kind : Sweet Innocence , that can it self defend , And make ill-Natur'd Envy prove it's Friend : Bright Innocence , thou Blest and Charming Dove , Whom ev'ry Mortal must Admire and Love ; When thee I lost , my Guardian Angel fled , And ever since , I 've been unhappy made . Lust in thy Absence , got the Upper-hand , And made me Servile to its base Command : O that I 'd been but some poor Bargeman's Wife , T o've Lugg'd and Tugg'd , at the great Oar for Life : Or what is worse , had been a Botchers Spouse , T o've Mended nitty Coats , and stinking Hose ; For one Days Living , to have two Days Starv'd , So that my Health and Virtue , I 'd preserv'd ; I 'd been more happy than the fairest she , That L 〈…〉 Libertie . Curse on the Female Tongue , that drew me in ; And for base Lucre , Taught me first to Sin : May her Nose fall , her Reines and Shinbones Rot , And begging without pitty be her Lot : May her Vile Womb Incessant Fury have ; And her Limbs drop by piece-meal to the Grave : And may that Man , that brib'd her to seduce Me Wretched Creature , to his Beastly Use , Be Doom'd the only Stallion to her Lust , Till Pox and Age , dry both into a Crust . Ladies beware ▪ let Miserable me The sad Example of a Harlot be : Let not Loose Women Tempt you to the Hook , With which themselves unwarily were took ; For if you 're once betray'd , you 'll surely find , You 're Curs'd from the first moment you are Kind . FINIS . 
A67531	----	The world bewitch'd a dialogue between two astrologers and the author : with infallible predictions of what will happen in this present year, 1699, from the vices and villanies practis'd in court, city and country. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1699 Approx. 55 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 17 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A67531 Wing W767 ESTC R33546 13523049 ocm 13523049 99921 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A67531) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 99921) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1559:7) The world bewitch'd a dialogue between two astrologers and the author : with infallible predictions of what will happen in this present year, 1699, from the vices and villanies practis'd in court, city and country. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 30 p. [s.n.], London printed : 1699. Attributed to Ward by Wing and NUC pre-1956 imprints. Imperfect: print show-through with loss of print. Reproduction of original in the Harvard University Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-05 Emma (Leeson) Huber Sampled and proofread 2003-05 Emma (Leeson) Huber Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE World Bewitch'd . A DIALOGUE Between Two ASTROLOGERS AND THE AUTHOR . WITH Infallible Predictions of what will happen in this Present Year , 1699. From the Vices and Villanies Practis'd in Court , City and Country . LONDON , Printed in the Year 1699. TO THE READER . AS the Stars would have it , I happen'd to be a hopefull branch of that ancient and renown'd Family of the Wisemen of Gotam ; my Father was a Moorfields-Astrolologer , and my Mother a Lancashire-Witch ; and I being the first-born of both , are thought by most People to be a Conjurer : I have a natural propensity to Sleep in the Day time , and Sit up at Night , to observe the Aspects and Motions of the Planets : By the frequent use of which , I have peep'd a wonderful height into the dark Mystery of Star-gazing . When , by long Study and Experience , I had Cunningly crept into the supernatural Knack of Fortune-telling ; and by the help of Heaven's Lamps could resolve all Lawful Questions , to the full satisfaction of Prentice-Boys or Servant-Wenches , I hung up the Sign of the Golden-Ball ; and profess'd my self as knowing a Wizard as ever foretold the downfall of the Whore of Babylon , and the prosperity of the Protestant Religion : But thought it requisite , like the rest of my Fraternity , to have two Strings to my Bow ; and being luckily furnish'd with a few Worm-eaten Receipts to make a Powder-le-pimp , to Charm away an Ague , stop a Gonorhea , prevent or further Conception , or cause Miscarriage ; I also turn'd Medicine-Munger , having acquir'd the true Method of Sifting Nurses , pretending to discover the Distemper by the Patients Vrine . Thus Qualifi'd as a Student in Physick and Astrology , I supply'd half the Town with Bumfodder , till I had made my self so Eminent by my own Praises , and a false Catalogue of my Cures , that every minute of the Day I had some Twelve-penny Fool or other at my Knocker . Having now rais'd my self to a Considerable Reputation amongst Strumpets , Idiots and Rope-dancers , I thought it high time to manifest my wonderful Foresight of future Chances and Changes , by some infallible Predictions for the present Year ; which if they happen not according to my Calculation , I 'll be bound to acknowledge the Art of Prognostication is all Ridiculous , the Professors of it to be Knaves , and those who Believe in 't to be arrant Fools . The World cannot be unacquainted with the great Emulation and Irreconcilable Enmity between G — . P — r and J — . P — dg , about a piece of Art which no body knows , and scarce any Body believes , viz. Making of Sygils and Fore-timing of Destinies : It being lately my Fortune to bring them together , I cannot but Oblige the Publick with a Vera Copia of a Learned Dialogue that arose between them ; with which I have begun the following Treatise , to the great Credit of our Wrangling Ephemerists ▪ and I hope to the Diversion of the Reader . A DIALOGUE Between Two ASTROLOGERS , &c. Author . I Am very glad , Gentlemen , of this opportunity to bring you Face to Face , in hopes it may be a means of reconciling that unhappy Difference kindled between you , by the Contagious Influence of some malignant Star ; and am heartily sorry Men of your Reading in the Library of Heaven , should expose thro' prejudice , the little Slips and Failings of your Lives , to the World's Ridicule . P — r. You are mistaken , Sir , it was not the Stars that set us together by the Ears , our Quarrel was occasion'd by the Pride , Ignorance , and Sauciness of that Cobbling Predicter there , who understands the Sowling of a Shooe much better than the Motion of the Planets ; and never could Foretell any thing by the Heavens , but what was Communicated to him upon Earth by wiser Noddles than his own , or else the Prophecies in his Mene-Tekel would have prov'd as false as his Calculation of the late Kings Nativity , who was to dye , according to his Judgment , many Years ago ; but is still living in spight of his croud of Directions . P — ge . Did you ever hear , such an Impudent fellow as this , to disparage a Man of my knowledge to my Face ? It 's true , I am a Shoomaker by Trade , but it 's well for you , I have not my Toolls about me , for if had , I should either lay my Strap cross your Shoulders , fling a Last at your Head , or stick my Aul in your Arse , and mark you for a poor paltry , Whistling , Cutling , Ignoramus Fortune-teller . Author . For shame , Gentlemen , forbear these Billingsgate Aggravations ; such Language , is a very scandal to the Art of Almanack-making . Bless us ! should the Stars govern Mankind at no better a Rate , than you Astrologers govern your selves , what a disorder'd World should we have ? If you are at variance about being your Arts Masters , this is never the way to decide the Quarrel ; you should have some nice Questions in your Art , stated by a third Person , and try who can bring them to the best and most regular Solutions . P — r. I have given him a fair Challenge , in my last and other Almanacks , to perform a Tryal of Skill with me at these following Weapons ; Quadrant , Fore-staff , or Nocturnal Globe , Celestial or Terestial , Seate and Compasses , at the erecting of any Scheme , for the discovery of lost Goods , calculation of Nativities , prediction of National Revolutions , &c. For I would have him to know , I am a lover of the Mathematicks , and can see as far beyond the Moon as another ; but he 's nothing , but a Cowardly Pretender , a false Prognosticator , a meer States Jugler , and dares as well to take the great Bear by the Tooth , as engage me at any-thing . P — ge . You Broken Cutler , you Astrological Quack , you Mungril in Religion , you Sigill-maker , nay , You Iacobite-Conjurer , have you confidence to contend with a Man that can read the Decrees of Heaven in the Stars , foretell the fate of Kingdoms , and foresee human Destinies ? Who amongst you all could predict Englands happiness , in the wonderful Revolution , but my self ? Who could give the Nation the comfortable assurance of the speedy downfall of Popery and Slavery , but my self ? And shall I stand to be Catechiz'd by a Countefeit Wizard , a Mob Fortune-teller ? No , I scorn it ; I 'd have You to know I 'm above it . Author . I protest , Gentlemen , if a stranger were to hear you complement , he would scarce believe either of you had been bred at Court : If the Planets you converse with have so rough an influence upon you , that are their Interpreters , I declare rather than breed my Son amongst the Stars , I would bring him up at the Bear-Garden . P — r. You must needs conceive he is an Illiterate fellow , by the coursness of his Language ; a scurilous Pen , and a busie Tongue , are his only Weapons of defence ; Railing and Lying being the two Talents he is Master of ; they are his security against all Detections , and the main Supporters of his Impudence and Ignorance against all Assaults of the Learned and Skilful Lovers of Astrology , who make a meer Bauble of him , and whip him about from one to t'other , as School-Boys do a Top. P — dge . You Iacobitical Planet-peeper ; you old Pur-blind Star-gazer ; with what confidence do you thus affront a Man that is well known by the good Subjects of the Nation , to be a True Blue-Protestant-Prophet ? Who never foretold any thing against Popery thro' the whole course of my Life , but it certainly came to pass as exactly to the time , as the Sun comes upon the Meridian at Twelve a Clock ? And here 's an old fool with his headful of Circles , Ovals , Angels , Pentigons , Hexagons , and Octigons , thinks with a little Mathematical Nonsence to worry me out of my Reputation ; but I 'd have you to know , I 'll make the Planets piss upon you before I 've done with you yet . Author . Indeed Mr. P — dg , you are too Cholerick with your Adversary ; your Talk is just like your Writings : Wherein you show more Passion than Discretion ; and more Malice than Art. I am fearful your living so long in Holland has done you a diskindness , by changing your English Temper into the surly habits of a Dutchman : Tho' I must confess your Antagonist is something in the fault too ; but not so much as you are . P — r. If you 'll believe me , Sir , I have no prejudice against him at all ; he has in his Papers us'd me Scurvily ; and has spightfully pick'd a Quarrel with me without any manner of provocation , charging me with things as false as his Prognostications ; and I am bound to say something in my own Defence , or every Journyman Shoomaker would laugh at me . P — dg . Did you ever hear such an insinuating old Star-groper ? Did ever I accuse you falsely in my life ? Did you not turn Quaker to get a Wife with three Hundred Pounds , and forsake the Religion as soon as you 'd Married her ? Did you not at that time keep a Cutlers Shop in Newgate-street no bigger than a Butter-Firkin ? Were you not as poor as a Clapperdugeon , till the Fortune of your Wife redeem'd you from the Stings of Necessity , and danger of the Counter ? Did you not use her basely , to the shame of your self , and distraction of the Poor Woman ? Did you not lock her up in your Garret a week together , and carry the Key in your Pocket ? Did you not use to beat her , and whip her Immodestly with a huge Rod , to tame her of a Fura Matricis ? Did you not at last turn her out of Doors , and take in her Room a hand-Maid , with whom you now Cohabit ? If you can , without a blush , say this is fabulous , I 'll be guilty of that Irreverence as to avouch the Stars are Lyars . Author . What say you now , Mr. P — r ? He has open'd a long Catalogue of Crimes against you : I 'll assure you if this be true , you will forfeit my good Opinion of you : And to be down right with you , I shall think you as wicked a Man as a Meal-tub Plotter . P — r. This is Malice in perfection , Envy without parallel , a pack of Lies without Colour , the very suggestions of the Devil ; and begging your attention Sir , I will justifie my Innocence , against these Villanous Reproaches , to the face of him who was the original Projector of all these Calumnies against me . In the first place , I was no more a Quaker , than my Adversary a Good Christian , tho the latter part of my Education was amongst 'em ; I never conform'd to their Faith , Discipline , or Preciseness : Tho I acknowledge I have been often at their Meetings , yet my Opinion was always as foreign from their Principles , as my Opposite's Practice is distant from the Rules of True Religion and Morality . In the next place , I never liv'd in Newgate-street till I was Married , but in Newgate-Market ; and my Shop was as much bigger than a Butter-firkin , as the best Room in his House is larger than a Meal-tub ( He knows my meaning . ) In the Third place , I never had Threescore Pound with my Wife , instead of three Hundred ; and all my Neighbours know , to the satisfaction of my own Conscience , I us'd her with that Lenity and Love , as the best Husband could possibly show , tho' to the worst of Wives ; who with an unnatural aversion sought the Ruin of her Husband , and Beggary of her Children , in as many Impious Designs and Detestable Contrivances , as my Rebellious Enemy ever engaged in to destroy King Charles , and Subvert the Government . And lastly , Instead of my turning her out of doors , she shamefully deserted me and her Children , as he did the Kingdom , both equally laden with insupportable guilt of wrongs , which the one had done to his King and Country , and the other to her Spouse and Family . Author . I am very glad to hear you have so handsomly discharg'd your self of these scandalous Accusations your Opponent has brought against you : And the deep concern with which you seem to deliver your Vindication , begets in me a more than ordinary Credulity of your Innocence . For I believe your Adversary , like other partial Prognosticators , does not always confine his Tongue and Pen within the strict Bounds of Truth , and Rules of Iustice. P — dg . How Sir ! what do you mistrust me ? Do you think I would tell a Lie for the matter ? I 'd have you to know I scorn it . What I have said is truth , Sir , I can bring three or four as honest people to Swear it , upon Occasion , as ever were Evidence in the Popish-Plot . I 'll warrant you he 'll with the same Impudence deny that ever he Poison'd his wife in a mess of Water-gruel , or that ever he hid Linnen , and carry'd her before a Justice of Peace , and swore she Rob'd him . P — r. I believe old Nick has set up a Mint in your Brains for the Coyning of Lies . I wonder with what confidence you can insinuate these things to the World in your Merlinus Liberatus , except you are desirous of robbing the Devil of his Glory ; and be reckon'd amongst mankind the greatest Liar in the Universe . To be plain , both with you and her , she has often ( be it to her Conscience ) defrauded me of both Goods and Money , and I have often detected her in it ; but as for hiding of any thing and laying it to her charge , I look upon it to be equally ridiculous with the harshness of that Father , who having burnt his Bible on the Saturday , beat his Son on the Sunday , because the Boy could not find it to read a Chapter . For a Man to commit a fault with his Right-hand , and Swear it upon his Left , I cannot imagine the drift of such a senseless projection . I thank my Stars I have more gravity and discretion , than ever to be guilty of such Whimsies . And as for putting Poison in her Water-gruel , I always lov'd her too well to do her a Mischief , and my self too well to be hang'd for her : Tho I confess I have oftentimes prepar'd her a Mess for Breakfast , but never put any thing worse in it than Bread , Butter , Sugar , and Salt ; and for what harm this could do her , I am answerable : So that all your Envious Darts are thrown in Vain , and return , like Balls pelted at a Stone Wall , to him that cast ' em . Author . Indeed Mr. P — dge , I begin to be Iealous these Criminal Allegations you have publish'd this Year in your Merlin , against my old friend , are down right Impositions , and Inventions of your own , without any Authority , for what you have there and here asserted . I doubt you don't deal fairly with the World , for I have observ'd you have treated Gadbury , Coley , and others , after the same manner , as if you were aiming to make your self Lord Ascendant over all Artists in the Nation . P — dge . Hem , hah , I say , Sir , he 's a fulsom Iacobite , and I beleive you are another ; and I can narrowly guess your Destinies by your Physiognomies , without Calculating your Nativities . I do Justifie what I have said against that thin-gutted Capricorn to be all Truth , for I was told it by three or four of Mr. B — ges Congregation , who I dare Swear have never told a Lie since the Revolution . P — r. I wonder a Man of your Ignorance in Astrology , and Experience in all sorts of Villany , should dare by false and Studied Calumnies to asperse another , when the very Truth spoke of your self , you know to be the worst of Scandals . Were you not guilty of a Conspiracy against King Charles , to Murder him at the Ryehouse , in order to pull down the Church and Subvert the Government ? Did you not Calculate the Nativity of his Brother , and both Ignorantly and Maliciously foretel his Death to be Speedy , who is living to this day ? Did you not Treacherously flatter your great Friend the Duke of M — th with the assurance of the Crown , till you and the rest of his Seducers had brought him to a sad Catastrophe ? Did you not fly into Holland to escape what you deserv'd ? And is not the Copy of the Depositions made against you , inserted in the Frontispiece of my Ephemeris , as true as the Bible ? Author . Certainly , Gentlemen , when you have told one another your minds throughly , you 'll cool by degrees into a more Friendly Temper , or you 'll maintain the old Adage to some purpose , Two of a Trade can never agree . P — dg . I am so far from disowning my self an Abetter in that Glorious Design , That 't is the Pride of my Age , and Pleasure of my Life , to be put in mind on 't . Is it not an Honour to my Grey-hairs , to have been a Champion in a Good Cause , for the Redemption of — Liberty , Property , and Religion , from the hands of Tyranny , Popery , and Slavery , which had got the Nation by the Crown , the Church by the Pulpit , and the People by their Estates ? The Mistake of my Calculation of the King and his Brothers Nativity , were willful Errours ; I reported not as I found 'em by my Judgment of the Hileg , but as I would have found 'em , for the encouragement of the good Friends to the Nation , to have gone on in the work of the Lord with the greater Chearfulness ; and shall I be upbraided for the good Service I have done my Countrey , by a Iacobite Turn-coat , an Enemy to the Government , a Scandal to the Protestant Church , a Lover of the French King , and a Believer of Impossibilities ? P — r. I have observ'd , for many Years , every Artist that does not comply with your Nocturnal Imperfections in Astrology , and mistaken Principles in Religion , you brand with the Name of Iacobite : But I would have you to know , as I am no Fanatick in my Opinion , I am no , Papist in my Conscience : I have no Devil in my Brains , or yet a Pope in my Belly . I am for no Tyranny , Popery , or Slavery , nor am I for a Common-wealth . I am no Knave in the exercise of my Function , or a Fool in the business I pretend to . I am no Bigot to any party , or a Rebel to Authority ; but can serve my God with Sincerity , Obey my Prince with Loyalty , pray for the Church of England's Preservation , wish my Country's Wellfare , and show my self in all things an honest Man and a good Subject . Author . I must confess , Mr. P — r , I think it very highly concerns you to quit your self of that unseasonable Title Jacobite , for that is likely to do you the most prejudice of any calumny he has endeavour'd to fix upon you : The very Name is as Odious to a True English Protestant , as a Fart to an Irishman . Besides , they are a poor Party , and nothing to be got by 'em ; and by this time can pretty well guess at the Fortune of their Cause , without the help of an Astrologer . P — dg . He knows what I say to be true enough ; he cannot deny but he has been building of Castles in the Air for them this seven years , to keep his faint-hearted Brethren from disponding : But now he finds the Stars look but with a Malignant Aspect upon 'em , he would be as glad to turn his Coat , could he do it with advantage , as a Seaman is to change his Shirt when he finds he 's Lousie . P — r. How Natural it is for an ill Man to suspect others to do that , of which himself is guilty ? Should my Conscience guide me to be what you suspect me , interest should never alter my Opinion : But could I once submit to be , what you really are , Interest might then steer me as the Rudder does a Vessel , and make me Tack with every Wind that blows for my Advantage . I shall say but little more , either to detect you , or Justifie my self ; but refer you , and the World , to my Ephemeris for this Year , where may be seen a Just and Modest Defence of my self , against all your Aspersions ; an open conviction of your Ignorance in Astrological Judgments , with a recital of your False Prophecies , Erroneous Calculations , and other Impositions upon the too Credulous Multitude . P — dge . I think Sir , I have taken Care to be pretty even with you , and have drawn your Picture so to the Life in my Merlinus Liberatus , that every Body that knows you , says 't is much liker the Original , then the Effigies at the beginning of your Almanack . And as for my Prognostications , the World ( contrary to your Reproaches ) has found 'em Truths ; and I will boldly say , and think it no Presumption , That all my Predictions have prov'd as Infallible as Mother Shipton's Prophecies . Author . Certainly , Gentlemen , your Lungs are like an Anchor-Smiths Bellows ; and your Tongues capable of a perpetual Motion , or , me thinks , by this time , they must needs be tir'd . Give me leave to interpose something that may give you a little respit . If you will promise to be Silent , and defer the remainder of your Iangling Controversie till another Meeting , I will read you over some Predictions of my own , of strange things that I am assur'd by my Art , will happen within the Circle of the present Year ; and look you here they are , if you will give me your attention . P — r. P — dg . Yes , Yes , Sir , with all our Hearts , and think our selves much oblig'd to you . Infallible Predictions For the Year 1699. AStrologers this Year will Err very much in their guesses , to the great Scandal of a pack of Prophesying Knaves , and grievous disapointment of abundance of Fools : And he that puts his Faith in the Stars , as well as those who give Credit to a Star-gazer , will thro' the whole course of his life be liable to be cheated . He or She that loses either Goods or Money by the Rapparees , and consults a Cunning-Man , or Woman , about the recovery of 'em , flings Good Money after Bad ; for I have discover'd by the Motion of Mercury , the God of Thieves , 't is a Thousand to one whether ever they find them . Who ever have their Nativities Calculated , will be as much the Wiser , as if they had kept their Money in their Pockets , but if they will be generous , and fling away a large Gratuity , they need not fear but their crafty Conjurer will assign them Long-Life , Health , and Good-Fortune . That Innocent Young Lady who thinks her Virginity unsafe without a Charm or Sigil to secure her from the fraud of insinuating Tongues , and other Amorous Temptations , and buys a Fools-bauble of a Fortune-teller for half a piece , or a Guinea , to protect her Virtue , if she be so Silly to be Cozen'd out of her Money , may the next hour , if Mars proves Ascendant over Venus , be cheated out of her Maiden-head , in spight of her Guardian Angel , if Opportunity and Importunity concur in the Misfortune . This year will arise great disputes among Prentice-boys , Chamber-maids , and Cook-wenches , about which tell Fortunes truest , Gipsies or Astrologers . To the Saffron-colour'd Diviners the Preheminence will be given , because they dispatch their business for less Money ; and tell you as much Truth by the inside of your Hands , as the other can do by the outside of the Heavens . When Almanacks have done Selling , both their Conditions will be equal , for the Stars being angry they are false Read by their Interpreters , are resolv'd , before Sol has run half his Annual Progress , to make 'em all as poor as Gipsies . An abundance of Country Attorneys will flock up to London the latter End of this Term , to the great Consumption of Prick'd Wines , and Temple-barr Puddings ; who will fill the Town for a time , with such a Crow'd of Scribletonians , they 'll be scarce able to live honestly one by another . Westminster Hall will be as full of Rooks , as the Change at two a Clock is of Owles : And that unhappy Bird who falls into their clutches , will be sure to be well pluck'd before he gets out again . Many Fools go thither to look for an Honest Man , but may search , as Diogenes did in Athens , a long time before they find one fit for their Business , It is a common saying , a good Lawyer must be a great Lyar ; for which reason the Devil and a Pleadsr wear both one Colour . The Malice of Law-Adversarys will be pretty well asswag'd when the Term's over : The long Bills of Attorneys and Petty Foggers will make them agree to call themselves Fools , and their Lawyers Knaves : Promising to renounce Law for the future , as good Christians do the Devil and all his Works . A Married State and a Chancery Sute , the World may account equal ; for most People , before the Snaky Year has clap'd her Tail in her Mouth , will heartily repent that ever they engag'd in either . Old Buffet-Stools will come again into Fashion , and be much in Request . The true Saxon Tennis , will now be put in Practice , and Balls will fly about in every Street without the help of a Racket : Many Servant Wenches will have Sorer Palms by Playing , than ever they had by Working . She that puts a Ball furthest , will be reckon'd a good Play-fellow , and he that can strike furthest at another sort of Stool-ball , will be accounted by the Maids , a good Bed-fellow . Those who could not purchase New Cloathes at Easter , will be glad to have them at Whitson-Tide , and if they fail of 'em then , especially Women , they 'll go near to be had in their minds a Month after . Abundance of time will be now spent in Bot'ling of Ale , and Baking of Cakes , and a great deal of Money , by such who have more Wealth than Brains , will be be flung away upon these alluring Commodities . Many a Maid will go a Mile or two out of Town , and forgetting her self , will lose that which she had better have brought home than have left behind her . Loose Livers , and Loiterers , will now begin to grow Religious , and walk on a Sunday to Pancrass's Church , with a great deal of Devotion , though in Town , if they live next Door to the Lord's Temple , they will go a Mile out of the way to spend their time at an Ale-house ; for they Love no Preaching , unless it be over their Liquor . Every Gardener will now be as busy as Father Adam in Paradice , to turn Horse-dung into Radishes , and Ram's-Horns into Sparrow-grass ; and will be very Angry if any of his Family should lay a Sir-R — ce out of his own Ground . Abundance of Dung-hills on 'tother side the Water will be painfully Improv'd to raise a Summer's Feast for Taylors , but the first , of their Product must be Sauce for my Lady . Abundance of Distemper'd Blood will be buried at the roots of Vines , therefore Drink not too much of the Juice of the Grape , lest it brings your Body into disorder . Poverty and Pride next Easter , will go hand in hand , many will pinch their Bellies to adorn their Backs , and tumble upon their Backs to please their Bellies . Whoring will be much Rail'd against in Churches , but never more Practis'd in Chambers . Many London-Prentices will be forc'd to Eat Suffolk Cheese , that their Masters Daughters may be kept at a Boarding-School . Honesty will be reduc'd to a low Condition , and be forc'd to tug many a Knave by the Sleeve , to put him in mind of his Promise ; and Virtue , in plain Dress , must Pin up Vice's fine Gown for a Livelyhood . Justice will be in every Man's Mouth , but in few Mens Hearts ; we shall hear often of her Name , but know not where to find her , and where she ought to dwell we shall not dare to look for her . Many Limber-ham'd Leachers , and their Ladies of Pleasure , will in the Spring enter into Aesculapius's Powdering Tub , where with Swelled Heads , and Loose Teeth , they will make slabbering Protestations against the Wicked Sin of Whoring , but soon as they 're well pursue the same Vice , till at last with Rotten Bones , Infectious Bodies , Stinking Breaths , and Stinking Noses , they fall Martyrs in Venus's Cause , coveting Death to avoid Shame and Misery . When the Sun makes his first enterance into the Sign of the R●m , the Number of London Cuckolds will begin dayly to increase ; our City-Dames will now refresh themselves with Walks to our Neighbouring Villages , and more Marmulet Madams , will be met stroling in the Fields , than Honest Women in the Streets : Ladies will begin to think of Tunbridge , Epsom , Richmond , Dullidge , &c. to fill their Bodies with those Impurities , of which they pretend to cleanse them . Any handsome , lusty young Fellow , that has been in a Starving Condition all Winter , if he will show himself at the afore-mention'd places , need not Question in a little time of getting Cloathes to his Back , and Money in his Pocket , if he can but work hard and keep Council . Citizens with Jealous Hearts , and Horned Heads , begin now to be Tormented with Curtain-Lectures for New Gowns , Petticoats , and Nick-knacks , and he that refuseth to comply with his Wife's Request , shall lead as bad a Life as a sturdy Beggar in a House of Correction . Those who have bucksome Daughters , must take care to provide 'em Husbands , or guide 'em with a strait Rein , lost the active motion of their Spirits , this Spring-season , begets such an Itch in their Tails , that will make 'em Dote on your Prentices , or suffer their Heels to be Tript up by your Serving-men , the first Opportunity . Punks that are Poor , will begin to dread the approaching Summer , for a long Vacation is as terrible to them as to Lawyers of the lower Degree ; an empty Town soon brings them to empty Purses , and want of Money to the worst of Infamy . So that she who had the Honour to be Debauch'd by a Duke , may in a little time after , ( without the kind Influence of her Stars prevent it ) be Kick'd by his Foot-man , or Kiss'd by a Porter . For many a Topping Curtesan , now at a Guinea Purchase , will dwindle from her Velvet Scarf into Rusty Lute-String , and will be at a Hackney Coachman's Service , the next Vacation , for a Cast of his Office and a Quartern of Brandy . We shall find a great Emulation between Pawn-brokers and Tally-men , who should be thought the Honestest men , though both in their Dealings , according to Custom , will dayly strive who should run first to the Devil head-long . Usurers in old time were Damn'd by all good Men for Ten in the Hundred , but we shall find e'er long , every honest Citizen will with a safe Conscience take Thirty , and think him self in as fair a way to Heaven as the Parson of the Parish . Women of all Ranks and Qualities will this Year be very forgetful of their Prayers , and very mindful of their Paint and Patches , some to Plaister up the Wrinkles of Age and Debauchery , others to hide Imperfections as great men do Faults , by making greater ; some like true English Painters , not knowing when the Face is well , by endeavouring to mend it , will daub on till they spoil the Piece : She that begins at Seven a Clock in the Morning , and can get thorowly Drest by Dinner time , will be look'd upon by her Sex to be a nimble Gentlewoman ; and she who confines herself to one Gallant at a time , though she Discards every Month , will be reckon'd , as times go , a Lady of great Honour and Constancy . Pretty Women this Year will be very plenty , and that generous Gentleman , who has a mind to have a Handsome Wife with nothing , because she should be the more Humble , and not upbraid him with her Portion , may easily meet with one that has not so much as a Smock to her back , and when he has her , I 'd advise him to keep her so , for then he need not fear any body else should take up her Linnen . The Price of Hackney Horse-flesh will now begin to be advanc'd every Week from Saturday to Monday , by reason of the vast number of Citizens , who having put their Wives out to Grass , Ride down every Iews Sabbath , to give them a Breathing , for fear they should suffer themselves other ways to be mounted by fresh Iockeys , who have no Right to the Saddle . Pedlars , Juglers , Cadators , Beggers , Fidlers and Fortune-tellers , will now begin their Progress round England , to the great Slaughter of Pigs , and Poultrey , in defiance of Prison , Pillory , and Whipping-Post . Mountebanks are preparing their infallible Packets , and mustering together their Fools , Orators , and Rope-Dancers , in order to Cheat Rural Ignoramus's out of their Health and Money : Scarce a County in England but will be invested with a High German Quack-Salver , and his Vagabond Retinue to the Plague of the Poor's Purses , and Punishment of their Carcasses . As sure as the end of Mirth is the beginning of Sadness , so will the A●●e of the Spring terminate in the very Nose of the Summer : You may now be pritty well assur'd of Warm Weather , for Frost and Snow will be every whit as scarce as Thunder and Lightning at Christmas . Abundance of Velvet Scarfes and Cloaks will find the way to the Pawn-brokers , to help to raise Money to purchase thinner Garments . Warming-pans will be Scoured bright , and hung up behind the Kitchen-Door as an Ornament . Muffs and Sable-Tippets will be Plenty in Long-Lane , where you may have as great Choice in ev'ry Broker's Shop , as you may of Cracks in the Eighteen-Penny Gallery . Farmers , like their Corn , will begin to prick up their Ears , and listen mightily to the Monthly Promises of their Weather-wise Almanacks , they 'll labour with much uneasiness between the Passions of Hope and Fear , and pray as often for a dry Harvest , as the just Man Sins Ninety-nine times a Day : They will now begin to be Watchful of themselves at their Devotion , and dare not to Sleep at Church so near Harvest , for fear Heaven should be Angry with them : High Winds , and great Rains are as Welcome to 'em as Frost and Snow to an Indian , or Hot Weather to a Brawny Dutch-man . Persons of Quality will now be going to their Countrey Houses , and Shop-keepers will put on as Melancholly Aspects as if their Books and their Bags had scarce ever a Cross in ' em . Quoits , Cricket , Nine-Pins , and Trap-Ball , will be very much in Fashion , and more Trades-men may be seen Playing in the Fields , than Working in their Shops . It will be Fine Weather both for those who have Money , and such who want it : He that has it to spare , may spend it with much Pleasure , and he that hath none , may Sleep under a Hedge , without the Danger of having his Pocket Pick'd . There will be more French Protestants in the Fields every Morning , than good English Christians in our Churches any time of the Day , A Fricasie of Frogs , and a Dandalion Sallad , will be A-la-mode of Spittle-Fields , where the Hugonets , upon Nature's Exuberances , shall feed themselves much Fatter than the Pinch-gut Allowance of Lean Meat , shall ever make the Hungry Pentioners of S — Hospital . Hedges will in part do now the business of Houses , they will hide many a Rogue and Whore from Justice , and cover many a shameful Action , and will be of these Uses in particular : They will be the Leacher's Bawdy-house , the Padder's Ambuscade ; the Vagabond's Lodging ; the Traveller's House of Office ; the Cattle's Umbrage , and the Farmer 's Security . The Royal-Oak-Lottery will Thrive much at Islington , but more at Tunbridge ; many Gentlemen of Fortune will go out with Twenty Guinea's in their Pockets , and be forc'd to return home by the help of a Boretto ; and all such Gamesters will keep their Nails so short , by Biting their Finger's ends , they will have no occasion for a Knife to Pare ' em . Abundance of Curses will be breathed out this Summer against : Fortune , at all Ordinaries and Bowling-Greens , but will find themselves so little the better for 't , they might as well have kept their Breath to Cool their Pottage . Ladies of Pleasure this Year , who are Liberal to their Gallants , will prove very Subl●●ary , for which reason , many a 〈◊〉 Beau will be forc'd ( for want of true Labor , Vigilence , and Submission ) to make his Summer Sute to last all Winter ; Love's Wi●●●● will be 〈◊〉 against him , the Favours he enjoy'd , and the Benefits he receiv'd , will be transferr'd from one Cock's-comb to another , that every upstart Prodigal , who presents himself as a fresh Labourer in the Drudgery of Lust , may be made a Fool of in his turn , as well as his Predecessors . Weavers , as well as Iourney-men Taylors , will be glad to make many a Meal of Cucumbers this Summer , or else go to Lamb's-Conduit , and Drink a Health to Duke Humphrey , and entreat Providence upon their Knees , to take away their Stomachs ; for though Meat will be Cheap , yet Money will be scarce , and he that can have an Ox ready Roasted for a Penny , if he wants both Coin and Credit , if he 's too Proud to Beg , and too Honest to Steal , is , in the midst of Plenty , in a very likely Condition to go without a Dinner . Notwithstanding , Poverty will be a raging Distemper , among Journey-men Shoe-makers , yet they will be so Proud , they 'll scorn to Work on a Monday , but for the Honour of St. Crispin's Memory , will Dedicate that Day to Shufflle-Board and Nine-Pins , in order to consume the remaining Dregs of their Saturday's Wages , that they may return to their Work with clear Pockets , and safe Consciences , tho' no men are greater Pagans in the Worship of a full Flaggon , yet the best of Christians can never be more thoughtful on their Last ; their Lives 't is true are but dangerous Examples for the Righteous to follow , yet by the Doctrine of the Hammer , they make more good Souls in one Twelve-month , than the Clergy do in Seven . This Year Distillers will turn Negromancers , and deal in abundance of Evil Spirits , which will possess the Publick ( as the Devil did the Herd ) to the Destruction of all those who are Bewitch'd by 'em , which will be a great means of advancing Hog-wam , to the Injury of Islington Swine-herds , and the Damage of Bartholomew-Fair Pork , if they are not carefully bound in Fetters of Forbearance , by the Wisdom of our great Assembly to prevent Poysoning the Subjects . Church-wardens will be accounted Knaves by the rest of the Parish , let 'em behave themselves never so Honestly , and that poor Sinner who falls into their Clutches , for answering the End of his Creation , will Wish he had been Gelt , before his Head-strong Progenitors had trapann'd him as a Prey to such Capon-eating Canibals , who will Spunge as much upon the Sins of a Fatherly Fornicator , as Bayliffs , upon the Misfortune of a fearful Debtor in their Custody . Coal-merchants and Wood-mongers , will look with an evil Eye upon the Sun , and complain the Weather is so excessive Hot , they are scarce able to endure it . Wax and Tallow-chaundlers will be as Angry with the length of Days , as if all the Fat was in the Fire ; and though they are Dealers in Light , yet will heartily wish ( before Summer is ended ) the whole Kingdom in the Dark . Butchers , Cooks , Fish-mongers , and Poulterers , if you wait your Opportunity , will sell more for a Shilling , than they buy for Two ; and when it 's serv'd up hot to the Table , a Nice Feeder may satisfy his Appetite thorough his Nostrils , without the trouble of Mastication . Vintners will be very busie in their Cellars , about mending of prick'd Wines , and recovering of Vinegar worth Six-pence a Quart to Port of Eighteen , they will commit more Sins in the justification of Bad Wines to be Good , within these Three Months , than ever they can find Leisure to Repent of in the other Nine : Marlborough Chalk will now be more useful in the Bar , than Pen and Ink ; for Little Credit , Small Measure , and Unconscionable Reckonings , must make good the Defects of a Tradeless Vacation . Ale-Drapers will shift off their Winter's Pride , and put on their Summer's Humility ; they 'll stir up no Fires to burn you from your Seats , but pluck off their Hats and bid you Welcome for the spending of Two-pence ; they 'll be contented to drink their own Liquor , stand at their Doors , and bid a Neighbour Good Morrow , and not run to the Tavern for a Morning and Ev'ning's Draught , in contempt of those Fools who by hugging the Pot , put them in a Condition to enjoy the Bottle . The Players in Town must now set their Wits to work , who before liv'd by Fooling , or else they 'll find little to do but to lye a-Bed , and study their parts against next Michaelmas : An underlin Actor ought to play the part of a Camelion Four Months in the Year , and when they shut up House he ought to shut up his Appetite , and learn to Live by the Air , for if he covets more substantial Nourishment , he must put his Brains upon the Rack to Coin Puns and Cunnundrums to please some Fool or other that will give it him . Drugsters will now be very busie in Selling the Sweepings of their Shops to the Mountebank's Miller , who grinds them all together to a Powder , to make up an Universal Medicine , either in Pill , Potion , or Bolus ; for certain there is somthing in the Compound good for ev'ry thing , but to know ev'ry Ingredient in this Collection of Gleaning , wou'd puzle both the Druggest and the Dr. who minds not what 's in 't , but what 's on 't , I therefore fear we shall have a sickly Season , and many Patients this Summer , will dye of the Physician . An Apothecary , who has a Handsome Wife to keep Shop , is likely to have abundance of Customers , for many a Young Gentleman will be Sick to be doing with her ; the more the Husband keeps out , the greater Trade he 'll have , for all the Patient's Desires will be , that the Wife may serve him . All Persons who are desirous to preserve their Health , let 'em be Careful how they trust a Physician with their Purses , lest they endanger their Bodies ; for if once he get into your Cash , he 'll soon find an occasion to give you Physick , and when you are under his Clutches , you may solace your self with a Memento Mori . In the next place take care you eat no Hemlock in your Sallad , or Arsnick in your Pottage ; neither catch Cold , or over-heat your self , and use a Dr. as you do a Lawyer , never but when needs must , and you need not Question a continuance of your Health ; for it 's an old Maxim , drawn from Experience , that Physicians Kill more than ever they can Cure. There will be more Religions this Summer than ever , but less Piety ; Christians will prefer their Ease before their Devotion , and think the Weather too hot to serve God in Crowds , for which Reasons the Churches will have but thin Congregations . Paganism will be much practis'd among young Amorous Idolaters , who will very frequently fall down on their Knees and Worship Heathen Goddesses . There will be a great Quarrel between the Rooks and Jack-Daws , about which is the Fairest , there will be great chattering on both sides to no purpose , till the Eagle undertakes to Decide the Difference . Quakers will begin to drink their Bottle , shift off their Sanctity , and converse without the Formal Dialect of Thee , and Thou , and in a little time will pluck off their Hats , Drink the King's Health , and be as Complaisant as the rest of their Neighbours . Many things by all Parties will be Reported without Truth , and be Believed without Reason ; all sides will expect opposite Miracles to be done , but nothing will come on 't ; and that Williamite that proposes to himself , a Vintage in France , by a Conquest in a new War , or Jacobite that hopes for an Estate by a Retrograde Revolution this Summer , will be very much Disappointed . There will arise great Disputes between the Libertines and Puritans , which are the better Christians of the Two , bitter Words will be thrown on both sides , the latter will brand the former with the Diabolical Titles of Atheists , Rebels , Sabath-breakers , Prophane , Lyars , Swearers and Cursers , Adulterers , Fornicators , degenerate Sinners , and the Seed of the Devil ; in return of which , they will call the other Hypocrites Publicans , Knaves in Masquerade , Dissemblers with God and Man , State Tormentors , Punishers of true Piety , deceitful Dealers , uncharitable Neighbours , Foes to Regularity , Sanctified Cheats , proud Zealots , Enemies to the Publick , Faithless Subjects , and Old Nick's Agents : The Difference will be so highly Inflam'd , there will be no hopes of Reconciliation , and will be likely to continue so , till the general Conflagration . Abundance of People will now forsake the Town , but very few their Vices , for Cuckold-making will be as practicable in all parts of the Countey , as ever it was between the Court and the City ; and the Servants of great Men will be oblig'd to drink their Masters Health in March Beer out of Horns , in respect to the Venerable state of Cuckoldom . Virtue will become so odious and intollerable in a Wife , that a man had better be half Hang'd than be troubled with such a Bedfellow ; for whoever has more Chastity to Boast on than the rest of her Neighbours , will be so very Proud , Saucy , and Imperious , that her Spouse may with more Comfort Row a Week in a Gally , than spend a Day in her Company , whilst she that makes a By use of her Tail to oblige her self , shall in all things else , thorow a sense of her own Failing , be very studious to oblige her Husband , and make him amends for the uneasy Burthen she has laid upon his Fore-head . Before the Summer has shook Hands with his Younger Brother , Autumn , by the heat of the Sun will be hatcht many Swarms of Maggots in the Brains of Zealots , which will at last take Wing , and quitting the Nests where they were first bred , creep into the Ears of all the Fools in the Nation , to the wonderful Satisfaction of some great men , and the Displeasure of others , but they will all dye in Winter , so that we shall not be long pester'd with this Vermin . Fat People will be so Lazy in the Dog-days , they will rather sit 3 Hours in a cool Room over a plentiful Dose of Claret , walk two Miles in the Sun-shine ; and most Married Shop keepers will Sweat more between the Sheets , than they will behind their Counters ; for tho' warm Exercise is forbid this Hot Weather , yet Women , thro' an aversion to Restraint , will covet Titilation with as strong an Appetite , as a Roman-Catholick does Flesh-meat in Lent , and will hate to lose her Longing in this Season above all the parts of the Year ; for when men are most troubled with Whimsies in their Heads , Women have 'em in their Tails , and whensoever the Maggot Bites , the Part aggrieved will call for a speedy Remedy . A great deal of Plank and Timber will now be brought into Smithfield Rounds , in order to erect a Nest for Whores , Thieves , and Vagabonds , to the great Scandal or St. Bartholomew and his Grid-Iron ; where all sorts of Rogues will be very Industrious in their several Occupations to get Money from the Lottery-man to the Pick-pocket , and all sorts of Fools be as Busy in spending on 't ; where many a Jilt will play the part of a Queen in a foul Smock , and many a Knave represent a Statesman . Swine's-flesh , and Whore's-flesh will be as common as Beef and Mutton at Leaden-hall Marker , but he that wants Skill to choose , will go near to be Cheated if he meddles with either , for the one will be very incident to the Pox , and the other to the Measles . A great many Strong Beasts will be there to be Seen , and a great many worse Creatures to be Felt. This will prove a very Sickly Season , for some Hundreds will be glad to get under the Physicians Hands , before the Fair will be over . A Pot of Ale , with a To●●t and Cheshire , by a good Fire , and a clean Hearth , will be an excellent Break-fast for an Early Riser , by that time this Month 's expir'd , and will he very good to defend his Stomach from those intollerable Enemies Hunger and Thirst , as well as the 〈◊〉 Remains which Nasty Tom shall spill in the Streets from his Unfavoury Vessel . Autumn will introduce with it abundance of Distempers , and the Inhabitants of the Hundreds of Essex , will look as White as their Night-caps : He that now stays a Fortnight in that Countrey , and returns without an Ague , may leap into the Thames at Christ-mass , without the danger of catching Cold ; for the peculiar Providence that secur'd his Careass from that prevailing Evil , will surely protect him from all Distempers . Many other Diseases will be very Incident to the divers Constitutions of People in this Kingdom . Abundance of Women in Bridewell , will complain sadly of their Backs , and some others of their Bellies . Many a Saucy Rascal , who has been Corrected for his Insolency , will complain heavily of his Head and Shoulders , and for the future , hate the sight of an Oaken Cudgel , as much as a Thief does the sight of a Halter . But Fox and Poverty above all will be the most Epidemical , and will as commonly meet together , to the great Affliction of the Patient , as the Ague and Fever . Virtue and Villany , are like to meet with equal Encouragement , for as many will be Starv'd thro' Honesty as are Hang'd for their Roguery , only this Difference consider'd , Poverty shall take away the Life of the former without a manifest Crime , whilst the Law shall require Evidence to prove the latter Guilty . Lawyers will now begin to Whet their Pen-knives against Michaelmas Term ( whose Blades , like their Hats , are grown Rusty by a long Vacation ) that they may be in a Readiness to Cut the Purses of 〈◊〉 Adverse Clients , who are at Enmity enough to Cut the Throats of one another . This Term will highly promote the Welfare of Watermen and Coachmen , for Boats at Westminster Bridge , and Coaches in the Palace-Yard , will stand much thicker than Honest 〈◊〉 in Westminster-Hall , where many a Plain Dealer will be glad to Grease a Knave in the Filt , because he would not be Ruin'd . Amongst the 〈…〉 many Inns of Court Squirrels will be seen walking , who cover their Backs with their Tails , and have no other Business there than to crack a Pennyworth of Nuts , and so to the Ladies , where they Study High-Gammar Cook 's Lesson , much more than they do Cook upon Little●on , and never make it their endeavour to understand any other Copy-hold than what a Woman carries about her . About this time , the Pomp and Vanities of the City , will be set forth with as much Splendor to entertain the Mobility , as their Laureat can well contrive , with a few Painted Boards , and Rusty Streamers ; nothing will be heard the whole Day but ●e●feg●●'s Musick Drums , Trumpets , Bells , Hoit-boys , and the Shouts of the Rabble will make up the Melodious Consort ; after which , the Grave Elders , wrapp'd up in Coney-Skin , will dance thro' the Dirt in the sight of their Wives , to a Sumptuous Dinner , where Mountains of Wild-fowl , and Boggs of Custard , will be all over-flow'd , with an Inundation of Sack and Claret , to the Gluttonous Consumption of abundance of good Things , which , contrary to the Text , will be devoured by the Rich , and the Poor will be sent Empty away . The Weather will now go near to be very Dirty , and he that has a desire to keep his Shoes clean , must neither turn Porter , or Penny-Post-man . Good Protestants will be very careful to remember the Fifth of November , and adorn their Windows with lighted Candles , in memory of Guido Vaux's Dark Lanthorn , except such who had rather promote the Interest of the Woodmonger , than the Good of the Tallow-Chaundler , and they perhaps may give a Faggot to the Burning of the Pope , and Scorching of the Devil . Grocers will now begin to advance their Plumbs , and Bell-men will be very Studious about their Christmas Verses . Fanaticks 〈…〉 above , are at Variance one with another , and he 's a Cunning Fellow who knows how to R●con●i●e the Difference . Thus is the World Bewitch'd , 〈…〉 To Folly , 〈◊〉 , and 〈◊〉 ; And he who fin●● a 〈◊〉 , At least a Conjuro● 〈◊〉 be . FINIS