Bartholmew fayre : a comedie, acted in the yeare, 1614 by the Lady Elizabeths seruants, and then dedicated to King Iames, of most blessed memorie ; The diuell is an asse : a comedie acted in the yeare, 1616, by His Maiesties seruants ; The staple of newes : a comedie acted in the yeare, 1625, by His Maiesties seruants by the author, Beniamin Iohnson. Plays. Selections Jonson, Ben, 1573?-1637. 1631 Approx. 778 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 129 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2005-10 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A04633 STC 14753.5 ESTC S4350 24183010 ocm 24183010 27326 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A04633) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 27326) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1819:12) Bartholmew fayre : a comedie, acted in the yeare, 1614 by the Lady Elizabeths seruants, and then dedicated to King Iames, of most blessed memorie ; The diuell is an asse : a comedie acted in the yeare, 1616, by His Maiesties seruants ; The staple of newes : a comedie acted in the yeare, 1625, by His Maiesties seruants by the author, Beniamin Iohnson. Plays. Selections Jonson, Ben, 1573?-1637. [10], 88, [2], 93-170, 75, [1] p. Printed by I.B. for Robert Allot, and are to be sold at the signe of the Beare, in Pauls Church-yard, London : 1631. Each play has special t.p. with same imprint. Author's name taken from first t.p. Second volume of "The workes of Benjamin Jonson."--Cf. STC (2nd ed.). Signatures: A⁶ (first leaf blank) B-Y⁴ 2A-2C⁴, ²D-H⁴ I⁶. Includes marginal notes. Reproduction of original in the Harvard University Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng 2004-11 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2005-01 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2005-02 Judith Siefring Sampled and proofread 2005-02 Judith Siefring Text and markup reviewed and edited 2005-04 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion BARTHOLMEW FAYRE : A COMEDIE , ACTED IN THE YEARE , 1614. By the Lady ELIZABETHS SERVANTS . And then dedicated to King IAMES , of most Blessed Memorie ; By the Author , BENIAMIN IOHNSON . Si foret in terris , rideret Democritus : nam Spectaret populum ludis attentiùs ipsis , Vt sibi praebentem , mimo spectacula plura . Scriptores autem narrare putaret assello Fabellam surdo . Hor. lib. 2. Epist. 1. LONDON , Printed by I. B. for ROBERT ALLOT , and are to be sold at the signe of the Beare , in Pauls Church-yard . 1631. THE PROLOGVE TO THE KINGS MAIESTY . YOur Maiesty is welcome to a Fayre ; Such place , such men , such language & such ware , You must expect : with these , the zealous noyse Of your lands Faction , scandaliz'd at toyes , As Babies , Hobby-horses , Puppet-playes , And such like rage , whereof the petulant wayes Your selfe haue knowne , and haue bin vext with long . These for your sport , without perticular wrong , Or iust complaint of any priuat● man , ( Who of himselfe , or shall thinke well or can ) The Maker doth present : and hopes , to night To giue you for a Fayring , true delight . THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY . IOHN LITTLE WIT. A Proctor . WIN LITTLE-WIT . His wife . DAME PVRE CRAFT . Her mother and a widdow . ZEAL-OF-THE-LAND BVSY. Her Suitor , a Banbury man. WIN-WIFE . His Riuall , a Gentleman . QVARLOVS . His companion , a Gamester . BARTHOLMEW COKES . An Esquire of Harrow . HVMPHREY WASPE. His man. ADAM OVER-DOO . A Iustice of Peace . DAME OVERDOO . His wife . GRACE WELBORNE . His Ward . LANT . LEATHERHEAD . A Hobbi-horse seller . IOANE TRASH . A Ginger-bread woman . EZECHIEL EDGWORTH . A Cutpurse . NIGHTINGALE . A Ballad-singer . VRSLA. A Pigge-woman . MOON-CALFE . Her Tapster . IORDAN KNOCK-HVM . A Horse-courser , and ranger o' Turnbull . VAL. CVTTING . A Roarer . CAPTAINE WHIT. A Bawd. PVNQVE ALICE . Mistresse o' the Game . TROVBLE-ALL . A Madman . WHTCHMEN , three . COSTARD-monger . MOVSETRAP-man . CLOTHIER . WRESTLER . PORTERS . DOORE-KEEPERS . PVPPETS . THE INDVCTION . ON THE STAGE . STAGE-KEEPER . GEntlemen , haue a little patience , they are e'en vpon comming , instantly ▪ He that should beginne the Play , Master Littlewit , the Proctor , has a stitch new falne in his black silk stocking ; 't will be drawn vp ere you can tell twenty . He playes one o' the Arches , that dwels about the Hospitall , and hee has a very pretty part . But for the whole Play , will you ha' the truth on 't ? ( I am looking , lest the Poet heare me , or his man , Master Broome , behind the Arras ) it is like to be a very conceited scuruy one , in plaine English. When 't comes to the Fayre , once : you were e'en as good goe to Virginia , for any thing there is of Smith-field . Hee has not hit the humors , he do's not know 'hem ; hee has not conuers'd with the Bartholmew-birds , as they say ; hee has ne're a Sword , and Buckler man in his Fayre , nor a little Dauy , to take toll o' the Bawds there , as in my time , nor a Kind-heart , if any bodies teeth should chance to ake in his Play. Nor a Iugler with a wel-educated Ape to come ouer the chaine , for the King of England , and backe againe for the Prince , and sit still on his arse for the Pope , and the King of Spaine ! None o'these fine sights ! Nor has he the Canuas-cut'ithe night , for a Hobby-horse-man to creepe into his she-neighbour , and take his leap , there ! Nothing ! No , and some writer ( that I know ) had had but the penning o' this matter , hee would ha' made you such a Iig-ajogge i' the boothes , you should ha' thought an earthquake had beene i' the Fayre ! But these Master - Poets , they will ha' their owne absurd courses ; they will be inform'd of nothing ! Hee has ( sirreuerence ) kick'd me three , or foure times about the Tyring-house , I thanke him , for but offering to putt in , with my experience . I 'le be iudg'd by you , Gentlemen , now , but for one conceit of mine ! would not a fine Pumpe vpon the Stage ha' done well , for a property now ? and a Punque set vnder vpon her head , with her Sterne vpward , and ha' beene fous'd by my wity young masters o' the Innes o' Court ? what thinke you o'th is for a shew , now ? hee will not heare o'th is ! I am an Asse ! I ! and yet I kept the Stage in Master Tarletons time , I thanke my starres . Ho! and that man had liu'd to haue play'd in Bartholmew Fayre , you should ha' seene him ha' come in , and ha' beene coozened i' the Cloath-quarter , so finely ! And Adams , the Rogue , ha leap'd and caper'd vpon him , and ha' dealt his vermine about , as though they had cost him nothing . And then a substantiall watch to ha' stolne in vpon 'hem , and taken 'hem away , with mistaking words , as the fashion is , in the Stage-practice . Booke-holder : Scriuener . To him . Booke . How now ? what rare discourse are you falne vpon ? ha ? ha' you found any familiars here , that you are so free ? what 's the businesse ? Sta. Nothing , but the vnderstanding Gentlemen o● the ground here , ask'd my iudgement . Booke . Your iudgement , Rascall ? for what ? sweeping the Stage ? or gathering vp the broken Apples for the beares within ? Away Rogue , it 's come to a fine degree in these spectacles when such a youth as you pretend to a iudgement . And yet hee may , i' the most o'th is matter i'faith : For the Author hath writ it iust to his Meridian , and the Scale of the grounded Iudgements here , his Play-fellowes in wit. Gentlemen ; not for want of a Prologue , but by way of a new one , I am sent out to you here , with a Scriuener , and certaine Articles drawne out in hast betweene our Author , and you ; which if you please to heare , and as they appeare reasonable , to approue of ; the Play will follow presently . Read , Scribe , gi'me the Counterpaine . Scr. ARTICLES of Agreement , indented , between the Spectators or Hearers , at the Hope on the Bankeside , in the County of Surrey on the one party ; And the Author of Bartholmew Fayre in the said place , and County on the other party : the one and thirtieth day of Octob. 1614. and in the twelfth yeere of the Raigne of our Soueragine Lord , IAMES by the grace of God King of England , France , & Ireland , Defender of the faith . And of Scotland the seauen and fortieth . INPRIMIS , It is couenanted and agreed , by and betweene the parties abouesaid , and the said Spectators , and Hearers , aswell the curious and enuious , as the fauouring and iudicious , as also the grounded Iudgements and vnderstandings , doe for themselues seuerally Couenant , and agree to remaine in the places , their money or friends haue put them in , with patience , for the space of two houres and an halfe , and somewhat more . In which time the Author promiseth to present them by vs , with a new sufficient Play called BARTHOLMEW FAYRE , merry , and as full of noise , as sport : made to delight all , and to offend none . Prouided they haue either , the wit or the honesty to thinke well of themselues . It is further agreed that euery person here , haue his or their free-will of censure , to like or dislike at their owne charge , the Author hauing now departed with his right : It shall bee lawfull for any man to iudge his six pen'orth his twelue pen'orth , so to his eighteene pence , 2. shillings , halfe a crowne , to the value of his place : Prouided alwaies his place get not aboue his wit. And if he pay for halfe a dozen , hee may censure for all them too , so that he will vndertake that they shall bee silent . Hee shall put in for Censures here , as they doe for lots at the lottery : mary if he drop but sixe pence at the doore , and will censure a crownes worth , it is thought there is no conscience , or iustice in that . It is also agreed , that euery man heere , exercise his owne Iudgement , and not censure by Contagion , or vpon trust , from anothers voice , or face , that sits by him , be he neuer so first , in the Commission of Wit : As also , that hee bee fixt and settled in his censure , that what hee approues , or not approues to day , hee will doe the same to morrow , and if to morrow , the next day , and so the next weeke ( if neede be : ) and not to be brought about by any that sits on the Bench with him , though they indite , and arraigne Playes daily . Hee that will sweare , Ieronimo , or Andronicus are the best playes , yet , shall passe vnexcepted at , heere , as a man whose Iudgement shewes it is constant , and hath stood still , these fiue and twentie , or thirtie yeeres . Though it be an Ignorance , it is a vertuous and stay'd ignorance ; and next to truth , a confirm'd errour does well ; such a one the Author knowes where to finde him . It is further couenanted , concluded and agreed , that how great soeuer the expectation bee , no person here , is to expect more then hee knowes , or better ware then a Fayre will affoord : neyther to looke backe to the sword and buckler-age of Smithfield , but content himselfe with the present . In stead of a little Dauy ; to take toll o' the Bawds , the Author doth promise a strutting Horse-courser , with a leere-Drunkard , two or three to attend him , in as good Equipage as you would wish . And then for Kinde-heart , the Tooth-drawer , a fine oyly Pig-woman with her Tapster , to bid you welcome , and a consort of Roarers for musique . A wise Iustice of Peace meditant , in stead of a Iugler , with an Ape . A ciuill Cutpurse searchant . A sweete Singer of new Ballads allur●nt : and as fresh an Hypocrite , as euer was broach'd rampant . If there bee neuer a Seruant-monster i' the Fayre ; who can helpe it ? he sayes ; nor a nest of Antiques ? Hee is loth to make Nature afraid in his Playes , like those that beget Tales , Tempests , and such like Drolleries , to mixe his head with other mens heeles ; let the concupisence of Iigges and Dances , raigne as strong as it will amongst you : yet if the Puppets will please any body , they shall be entreated to come in . In consideration of which , it is finally agreed , by the foresaid hearers , and spectators , that they neyther in themselues conceale , nor suffer by them to be concealed any State-decipherer , or politique Picklocke of the Scene , so solemnly ridiculous , as to search out , who was meant by the Ginger-bread-woman , who by the Hobby-horse-man , who by the Costard-monger , nay , who by their Wares . Or that will pretend to affirme ( on his owne inspired ignorance ) what Mirror of Magistrates is meant by the Iustice , what great Lady by the Pigge-woman , what conceal'd States-man , by the Seller of Mouse-trappes , and so of the rest . But that such person , or persons so found , be left discouered to the mercy of the Author , as a forfeiture to the Stage , and your laughter , aforesaid . As also , such as shall so desperately , or ambitiously , play the foole by his place aforesaid , to challenge the Author of scurrilitie , because the language some where sauours of Smithfield , the Booth , and the Pig-broath , or of prophanenesse , because a Mad-man cryes , God quit you , or blesse you . In witnesse whereof , as you haue preposterously put to your Seales already ( which is your money ) you will now adde the other part of suffrage , your hands , The Play shall presently begin . And though the Fayre be not kept in the same Region , that some here , perhaps , would haue it , yet thinke ▪ that therein the Author hath obseru'd a speciall Decorum , the place being as durty as Smithfield , and as stinking euery whit . Howsoeuer , hee prayes you to beleeue , his Ware is still the same , else you will make him iustly suspect that hee that is so loth to looke on a Baby , or an Hobby-horse , heere , would bee glad to take vp a Commodity of them , at any laughter , or losse , in another place . BARTHOLMEVV FAYRE . ACT. I. SCENE . I. LITTLE-VVIT . To him VVIN. A Pretty conceit , and worth the finding ! I ha' such lucke to spinne out these fine things still , and like a Silke-worme , out of my selfe . Her 's Master Bartholomew Cokes , of Harrow o' th hill , i' th County of Middlesex , Esquire , takes forth his Licence , to marry Mistresse Grace Wel-borne of the said place and County : and when do's hee take it foorth ? to day ! the foure and twentieth of August ! Bartholmew day ! Bartholmew vpon Bartholmew ! there 's the deuice ! who would haue mark'd such a leap-frogge chance now ? A very lesse then Ames-ace , on two Dice ! well , goe thy wayes Iohn Little-wit , Proctor Iohn Little-wit : One o' the pretty wits o' Pauls , the Little wit of London ( so thou art call'd ) and some thing beside . When a quirk , or a quiblin do's scape thee , and thou dost not watch , and apprehend it , and bring it afore the Constable of conceit : ( there now , I speake quib too ) let 'hem carry thee out o' the Archdeacons Court , into his Kitchin , and make a Iack of thee , in stead of a Iohn . ( There I am againe la ! ) Win , Good morrow , Win. I marry Win ! Now you looke finely indeed , Win ! this Cap do's conuince ! youl 'd not ha● worne it , VVin , nor ha' had it veluet , but a rough countrey Beauer , with a copper-band , like the Conney-skinne woman of Budge-row ? Sweete VVin , let me kisse it ! And. her fine high shooes , like the Spanish Lady ! Good VVin , goe a litle I would faine see thee pace , pretty VVin ! By this fine Cap , I could neuer leaue kissing on 't . WIN. Come , indeede la , you are such a foole , still ! LITT. No , but halfe a one , Win , you are the tother halfe : man and wife make one foole , Win. ( Good ! ) Is there the Proctor , or Doctor indeed , i' the Diocesse , that euer had the fortune to win him such a Win ! ( There I am againe ! ) I doe feele conceits comming vpon mee , more then I am able to turne tongue too . A poxe o these pretenders , to wit ! your Three Cranes , Miter , and Mermaid men ! Not a corne of true salt , nor a graine of right mustard amongst them all . They may stand for places or so , againe the next Wit fall , and pay two pence in a quart more for their Canary , then other men . But gi' mee the man , can start vp a Iustice of Wit out of six-shillings beare , and giue the law to all the Poets , and Poet-suckers i' Towne , because they are the Players Gossips ? 'Slid , other men haue wiues as fine as the Players , and as well drest . Come hither , Win. ACT. I. SCENE . IJ. WIN-WIFE . LITTLEVVIT . WIN. WHy , how now Master Little-wit ! measuring of lips ? or molding of kisses ? which is it ? LITT. Troth I am a little taken with my Wins dressing here ! Do'st not fine Master Win-wife ? How doe you apprehend , Sir ? Shee would not ha' worne this habit . I challenge all Cheapside , to shew such another : Morefields , Pimlic● path , or the Exchange , in a sommer euening , with a Lace to boot as this has . Deare Win , let Master Win-wife kisse you . Hee comes a wooing to our mother Win , and may be our father perhaps , Win. There 's no harme in him , Win. WIN-W. None i' the earth , Master Little-wit . LITT. I enuy no man , my delicates , Sir. WIN-W. Alas , you ha' the garden where they grow still ! A wife heere with a Strawbery-breath , Chery-lips , Apricot-cheekes , and a soft veluet head , like a Melicotion . LITT. Good y'faith ! now dulnesse vpon mee , that I had not that before him , that I should not light on 't , as well as he ! Veluet head ! WIN-W. But my taste , Master Little-wit , tends to fruict of a later kinde : the sober Matron , your wiues mother . LITT. I ! wee know you are a Suitor , Sir. Win , and I both , wish you well : by this Licence here , would you had her , that your two names were as fast in it , as here are a couple . Win would faine haue a fine young father i' law , with a fether : that her mother might hood it , and chaine it , with Mistris Ouer-doo . But , you doe not take the right course , Master Win-wife . WIN-W. No ? Master Litle-wit , why ? LIT. You are not madde enough . WIN-W. How ? Is madnesse a right course ? LIT. I say nothing , but I winke vpon Win. You haue a friend , one ( Master Quarlous ) comes here some times ? WIN-W. Why ? he makes no loue to her , do's he ? LIT. Not a tokenworth that euer I saw , I assure you , But — WIN-W. What ? LIT. He is the more Mad-cap o' the two . You doe not apprehend mee . WIN. You haue a hot coale i' your mouth , now , you cannot hold . LIT. Let mee out with it , deare Win. WIN. I 'll tell him my selfe . LIT. Doe , and take all the thanks , and much do good thy pretty heart , Win. WIN. Sir , my mother has had her natiuity-water cast lately by the Cunning men in Cow●lane , and they ha' told her her fortune , and doe ensure her , shee shall neuer haue happy houre ; vnlesse shee marry within this sen'night , and when it is , it must be a Madde-man , they say . LIT. I , but it must be a Gentle-man Mad-man . WIN. Yes , so the tother man of More-fields sayes . WIN-W. But do's shee beleeue ' hem ? LIT. Yes , and ha's beene at Bedlem twice since , euery day , to enquire if any Gentleman be there , or to come there , mad ! WIN-W. Why , this is a confederacy , a meere piece of practice vpon her , by these Impostors ? LIT. I tell her so ; or else say I , that they meane some young . Madcap-Gentleman ( for the diuell can equiuocate , as well as a Shop-keeper ) and therefore would I aduise you , to be a little madder , then Master Quarlous , hereafter . WIN. Where is shee ? stirring yet ? LIT. Stirring ! Yes , and studying an old Elder , come from Banbury , a Suitor that puts in heere at meale-tyde , to praise the painefull brethren , or pray that the sweet singers may be restor'd ; Sayes a grace as long as his breath lasts him ! Some time the spirit is so strong with him , it gets quite out of him , and then my mother , or Win , are faine to fetch it againe with Malmesey , or Aqua coelestis . WIN. Yes indeed , we haue such a tedious life with him for his dyet , and his clothes too , he breaks his buttons , and cracks seames at euery saying he sobs out . IOH. He cannot abide my Vocation , he sayes . WIN. No , he told my mother , a Proctor was a claw of the Beast , and that she had little lesse then committed abomination in marrying me so as she ha's done . IOH. Euery line ( he sayes ) that a Proctor writes , when it comes to be read in the Bishops Court , is a long blacke hayre , kemb'd out of the tayle of Anti-Christ . WIN-W. When came this Proselyte ? IOH. Some three dayes since . ACT. I. SCENE . IIJ. QVARLOVS , IOHN , WIN , WIN-VVIFE . O Sir , ha' you tane soyle , here ? it's well , a man may reach you , after 3. houres running , yet ! what an vnmercifull companion art thou , to quit thy lodging , at such vngentle manly houres ? None but a scatterd couey of Fidiers , or one of these Rag-rakers in dung-hills , or some Marrow-bone man at most , would haue beene vp , when thou wert gone abroad , by all description . I pray thee what aylest thou , thou canst not sleepe ? hast thou Thornes i' thy eye-lids , or Thistles i' thy bed . WIN-W. I cannot tell : It seemes you had neither i' your feet ; that tooke this paine to finde me . QVAR. No , and I had , all the Lime-hounds o' the City should haue drawne after you , by the sent rather , Mr Iohn Little-wit ! God saue you , Sir. 'T was a hot night with some of vs , last night , Iohn : shal we pluck a hayre o' the same Wolfe , to day , Proctor Iohn ? IOH. Doe you remember Master Quarlous , what wee discourst on , last night ? QVAR. Not I , Iohn : nothing that I eyther discourse or doe , at those times I forfeit all to forgetfulnesse . IOH. No ? not concerning Win , looke you : there shee is , and drest as I told you she should be : harke you Sir , had you forgot ? QVAR. By this head , I 'le beware how I keepe you company , Iohn , when I drunke , and you haue this dangerous memory ! that 's certaine . IOH. Why Sir ? QVAR. Why ? we were all a little stain'd last night , sprinckled with a cup or two , and I agreed with Proctor Iohn heere , to come and doe somewhat with Win ( I know not what 't was ) to day ; and he puts mee in minde on 't , now ; hee sayes hee was comming to fetch me : before Truth , if you haue that fearefull quality , Iohn , to remember , when you are sober , Iohn , what you promise drunke , Iohn ; I shall take heed of you , Iohn . For this once , I am content to winke at you , where 's your wife ? come hither Win. ( He kisseth her . WIN. Why , Iohn ! doe you see this , Iohn ? looke you ! helpe me , Iohn . IOH. O Win , fie , what do you meane , Win ! Be womanly , Win ; make an outcry to your mother , Win ? Master Quarlous is an honest Gentleman , and our worshipfull good friend , Win : and he is Master Winwifes friends , too : And Master Win-wife comes a Suitor to your mother Win ; as I told you before , Win , and may perhaps , be our Father , Win , they 'll do you no harme , Win , they are both our worshipfull good friends . Master Quarlous ! you must know Mr. Quarlous , Win ; you must not quarrell with Master Quarlous , VVin. QVAR. No , wee 'll kisse againe and fall in . IOH. Yes , doe good Win. WIN. Y'faith you are a foole , Iohn . IOH. A Foole-Iohn she calls me , doe you marke that , Gentlemen ? pretty littlewit of veluet ! a foole - Iohn ! QVAR. She may call you an Apple - Iohn , if you vse this . WIN-W. Pray thee forbeare , for my respect somewhat . QVAR. Hoy-day ! how respectiue you are become o' the sudden ! I feare this family will turne you reformed too , pray you come about againe . Because she is in possibility to be your daughter in law , and may aske you blessing hereafter , when she courts it to Totnam to eat creame . Well , I will forbeare , Sir , but i'faith , would thou wouldst leaue thy exercise of widdow-hunting once ! this drawing after an old reuerend Smocke by the splay-foote : There cannot be an ancient Tripe or Trillibub i' the Towne , but thou art straight nosing it , and 't is a fine occupation thou 'lt confine thy selfe to , when thou ha'st got one ; scrubbing a piece of Buffe , as if thou hadst the perpetuity of Pannyer-alley to stinke in ; or perhaps , worse , currying a carkasse , that thou hast bound thy selfe to aliue . I 'll besworne , some of them , ( that thou art , or hast beene a Suitor to ) are so old , as no chast or marryed pleasure can euer become 'hem : the honest Instrument of procreation , has ( forty yeeres since ) left to belong to 'hem , thou must visit 'hem , as thou wouldst doe a Tombe , with a Torch , or three hand-fulls of Lincke , flaming hot , and so thou maist hap to make 'hem feele thee , and after , come to inherit according to thy inches . A sweet course for a man to waste the brand of life for , to be still ●aking himselfe a fortune in an old womans embers ; we shall ha' thee after thou hast beene but a moneth marryed to one of 'hem , looke like the quartane ague , and the black Iaundise met in a face , and walke as if thou had'st borrow'd legges of a Spinner , and voyce of a Cricket . I would endure to heare fifteene Sermons aweeke for her , and such course , and lowd one's , as some of 'hem must be ; I would een desire of Fate , I might dwell in a drumme , and take in my sustenance , with an old broken Tobacco-pipe and a Straw . Dost thou euer thinke to bring thine eares or stomack , to the patience of a drie grace , as long as thy Tablecloth ? and droan'd out by thy sonne , here , ( that might be thy father ; ) till all the meat o' thy board has forgot , it was that day i' the Kitchin ? Or to brooke the noise made , in a question of Predestination , by the good labourers and painefull eaters , assembled together , put to 'hem by the Matron , your Spouse ; who moderates with a cup of wine , euer and anone , and a Sentence out of Knoxe between ? or the perpetuall spitting , before , and after a sober drawne exhortation of six houres , whose better part was the hum-hahum ? Or to heare prayers groan'd out , ouer thy iron-chests , as if they were charmes to breake ' hem ? And all this for the hope of two Apostle-spoones , to suffer ! and a cup to eate a cawdle in ! For that will be thy legacy . She 'll ha' conuey'd her state , safe enough from thee , an' she be a right widdow . WIN. Alasse , I am quite off that sent now . QVAR. How so ? WINW. Put off by a Brother of Banbury , one , that , they say , is come heere , and gouernes all , already . QVAR. What doe you call him ? I knew diuers of those Banburians when I was in Oxford . WIN-W. Master Little-wit can tell vs. IOH. Sir ! good VVin , goe in , and if Master Bartholmew Cokes - his man come for the Licence : ( the little old fellow ) let him speake with me ; what say you , Gentlemen ? WIN-W. What call you the Reuerend Elder ? you told me of ? your Banbury-man . IOH. Rabbi Busy , Sir , he is more then an Elder , he is a Prophet , Sir. QVAR. O , I know him ! a Baker , is he not ? IOH. Hee was a Baker , Sir , but hee do's dreame now , and see visions , hee has giuen ouer his Trade . QVAR. I remember that too : out of a scruple hee tooke , that ( in spic'd conscience ) those Cakes hee made , were seru'd to Bridales , May-poles , Morrisses , and such prophane feasts and meetings ; his Christen-name is Zeale-of-the-land . IOH. Yes , Sir , Zeale-of-the-land Busye . WIN-W. How , what a name 's there ! IOH. O , they haue all such names , Sir ; he was Witnesse , for Win , here , ( they will not be call'd God-fathers ) and nam'd her VVinne-the-fight , you thought her name had beene VVinnifred , did you not ? WIN-W. I did indeed . IOH. Hee would ha' thought himselfe a starke Reprobate , if it had . QVAR. I , for there was a Blew-starch-woman o' the name , at the same time . A notable hypocriticall vermine it is ; I know him . One that stands vpon his face , more then his faith , at all times ; Euer in seditious motion , and reprouing for vaine-glory : of a most lunatique conscience , and splene , and affects the violence of Singularity in all he do's : ( He has vndone a Grocer here , in New-gate-market , that broke with him , trusted him with Currans , as errant a Zeale as he , that 's by the way : by his profession , hee will euer be i' the state of Innocence , though ; and child-hood ; derides all Antiquity ; defies any other Learning , then Inspiration ; and what discretion soeuer , yeeres should afford him , it is all preuented in his Originall ignorance ; ha' not to doe with him : for hee is a fellow of a most arrogant , and inuincible dulnesse , I assure you ; who is this ? ACT. I. SCEENE . IIIJ. WASPE. IOHN . WIN-WIFE . QVARLOVS . BY your leaue , Gentlemen , with all my heart to you : and god you good morrow ; Mr Little-wit , my businesse is to you . Is this Licence ready ? IOH. Heere , I ha' it for you , in my hand , Master Humphrey . WAS. That 's well , nay , neuer open , or read it to me , it 's labour in vaine , you know . I am no Clearke , I scorne to be sau'd by my booke , i'faith I 'll hang first ; fold it vp o' your word and gi' it mee ; what must you ha' for 't ? IOH. We 'll talke of that anon , Master Humphrey . WAS. Now , or not at all , good Mr Proctor , I am for no anon's , I assure you . IOH. Sweet VVin , bid Salomon send mee the little blacke boxe within , in my study . WAS. I , quickly , good Mistresse , I pray you : for I haue both egges o' the Spit , and yron i' the fire , say , what you must haue , good Mr Little-wit . IOH. Why , you know the price , Mr Numps . WAS. I know ? I know nothing . I , what tell you mee of knowing ? ( now I am in hast ) Sir , I do not know , and I will not know , and I scorne to know , and yet , ( now I think on 't ) I will , and do know , as well as another ; you must haue a Marke for your thing here , and eight pence for the boxe ; I could ha' sau'd two pence i'th at , an' I had bought it my selfe , but heere 's foureteene shillings for you . Good Lord ! how long your little wife staies ! pray God , Salomon , your Clerke , be not looking i' the wrong boxe , Mr Proctor . IOH. Good i'faith ! no , I warrant you , Salomon is wiser then so , Sir. WAS. Fie , fie , fie , by your leaue Master Little-wit , this is scuruy , idle , foolish and abominable , with all my heart ; I doe not like it . WIN-W. Doe you heare ? Iacke Little-wit , what businesse do's thy pretty head thinke , this fellow may haue , that he keepes such a coyle with ? QVAR. More then buying of ginger-bread i' the Cloyster , here , ( for that wee allow him ) or a guilt pouch i' the Fayre ? IOH. Master Quarlous , doe not mistake him : he is his Masters both-hands , I assure you . QVAR. What ? to pull on his boots , a mornings , or his stockings , do's hee ? IOH. Sir , if you haue a minde to mocke him , mocke him softly , and looke to'ther way : for if hee apprehend you flout him , once , he will flie at you presently . A terrible testie old fellow , and his name is Waspe too . QVAR. Pretty Insect ! make much on him . WAS. A plag●e o'th is boxe , and the poxe too , and on him that made it , and her that went for 't , and all that should ha' sought it , sent it , or brought it ! doe you see , Sir ? IOH. Nay , good Mr Waspe . WAS. Good Master Hornet , turd i' your teeth , hold you your tongue ; doe not I know you ? your father was a Pothecary , and sold glisters , more then hee gaue , I wusse : and turd i' your little wiues teeth too ( heere she come● ) 't will make her spit as fine as she is , for all her veluet-custerd on her head , Sir. IOH. O! be ciuill Master Numpes . WAS. Why , say I haue a humour not to be ciuill ; how then ? who shall compell me ? you ? IOH. Here is the boxe , now . WAS. Why a pox o' your boxe , once againe : let your little wife stale in it , and she will. Sir , I would haue you to vnderstand , and these Gentlemen too , if they please — WIN-W. With all our hearts . Sir. WAS. That I haue a charge . Gentlemen . IOH. They doe apprehend , Sir. WAS. Pardon me , Sir , neither they nor you , can apprehend mee , yet . ( you are an Asse ) I haue a young Master , hee is now vpon his making and marring ; the whole care of his well doing , is now mine . His foolish scholemasters haue done nothing , but runne vp and downe the Countrey with him , to beg puddings , and cake-bread , of his tennants , and almost spoyled him , he has learn'd nothing , but to sing catches , and repeat rattle bladder rattle , and O , Madge . I dare not let him walke alone , for feare of learning of vile tunes , which hee will sing at supper , and in the sermon-times ! if hee meete but a Carman i' the streete , and I finde him not talke to keepe him off on him , hee will whistle him , and all his tunes ouer , at night in his sleepe ! he has a head full of Bees ! I am faine now ( for this little time I am absent ) to leaue him in charge with a Gentlewoman ; 'T is true , shee is A Iustice of Peace his wife , and a Gentlewoman o' the hood , and his naturall sister ▪ But what may happen , vnder a womans gouernment , there 's the doubt . Gentlemen , you doe not know him : hee is another manner of peece then you think for ! but nineteen yeere old , and yet hee is taller then either of you , by the head , God blesse him . QVAR. Well , mee thinkes , this is a fine fellow ! WIN-W. He has made his Master a finer by this description , I should thinke . QVAR. 'Faith , much about one , it 's crosse and pile , whether for a new farthing . WAS. I 'll tell you Gentlemen — IOH. Will 't please you drinke , Master VVaspe ? WAS. Why , I ha' not talk't so long to be drie , Sir , you see no dust or cobwebs come out o' my mouth : doe you ? you 'ld ha' me gone , would you ? IOH. No , but you were in hast e'en now , Mr Numpes . WAS. What an' I were ? so I am still , and yet I will stay too ; meddle you with your match , your Win , there , she has as little wit , as her husband it seemes : I haue others to talke to . IOH. She 's my match indeede , and as little wit as I , Good ! WAS. We ha' bin but a day and a halfe in towne , Gentlemen , 't is true , and yester day i' the afternoone , we walk'd London , to shew the City to the Gentlewoman , he shall marry , Mistresse Grace ; but , afore I will endure such another halfe day , with him , I 'll be drawne with a good Gib-cat , through the great pond at home , as his vncle Hodge was ! why , we could not meet that heathen thing , all day , but ●ayd him : he would name you all the Signes ouer , as hee went , aloud : and where hee spi'd a Parrat , or a Monkey , there hee was pitch'd , with all the littl-long-coats about him , male and female ; no getting him away ! I thought he would ha' runne madde o' the blacke boy in Bucklers-bury , that takes the scury , roguy tobacco , there . IOH. You say true , Master Numpes : there 's such a one indeed . WAS. It 's no matter , whether there be , or no , what 's that to you ? QVAR. He will not allow of Iohn's reading at any hand , ACT. I. SCENE . V. COKES . Mistris OVER-DOO . WASPE. GRACE . QVARLOVS . WIN-WIFE . IOHN . WIN. O Numpes ! are you here Numpes ? looke where I am , Numpes ! and Mistris Grace , too ! nay , doe not looke angerly , Numpes : my Sister is heere , and all , I doe not come without her . WAS. What , the mischiefe , doe you come with her ? or shee with you ? COK. We came all to seeke you , Numpes . WAS. To seeke mee ? why , did you all thinke I was lost ? or runne away with your foureteene shillings worth of small ware , here ? or that I had chang'd it i' the Fayre , for hobby-horses ? S'pretious — to seeke me ! OVER. Nay , good Mr Numpes , doe you shew discretion , though he bee exorbitant , ( as Mr Ouer-doo saies , ) and 't be but for conseruation of the peace . WAS. Mary gip , goody she - Iustice , Mistris French-hood ! turd i' your teeth ; and turd i' your French-hoods teeth , too , to doe you seruice , doe you see ? must you quote your Adam to me ! you thinke , you are Madam Regent still , Mistris Ouer-doo ; when I am in place ? no such matter , I assure you , your raigne is out , when I am in , Dame. OVER. I am content to be in abeyance , Sir , and be gouern'd by you ; so should hee too , if he did well ; but 't will be expected , you should also gouerne your passions . WAS. Will 't so forsooth ? good Lord ! how sharpe you are ! with being at Bet'lem yesterday ? VVhetston has set an edge vpon you , has hee ? OVER. Nay , if you know not what belongs to your dignity : I doe , yet , to mine . WAS. Very well , then . COK. Is this the Licence , Numpes ? for Loues sake , let me see 't . I neuer saw a Licence . WAS. Did you not so ? why , you shall not see 't , then . COK. An' you loue mee , good Numpes . WAS. Sir , I loue you , and yet I do not loue you , i'these fooleries , set your heart at rest ; there 's nothing in 't , but hard words : and what would you see 't for ? COK. I would see the length and the breadth on 't , that 's all ; and I will see 't now , so I will. WAS. You sha' not see it , heere . COK. Then I 'll see 't at home , and I 'll looke vpo ' the case heere . WAS. Why , doe so , a man must giue way to him a little in trifles : Gentlemen . These are errors , diseases of youth : which he will mend , when he comes to iudgement , and knowledge of matters . I pray you conceiue so , and I thanke you . And I pray you pardon him , and I thanke you againe . QVAR. Well , this dry-nurse , I say still , is a delicate man. WIN-W. And I , am , for the Cosset , his charge ! Did you euer see a fellowes face more accuse him for an Asse ? QVAR. Accuse him ? it confesses him one without accusing . What pitty 't is yonder wench should marry such a Cokes ? WIN-W. 'T is true . QVAR. Shee seemes to be discreete , and as sober as shee is handsome . WIN-W. I , and if you marke her , what a restrain'd scorne she casts vpon all his behauiour , and speeches ? COK. Well , Numpes , I am now for another piece of businesse more , the Fayre , Numpes , and then — WAS. Blesse me ! deliuer me , helpe , hold mee ! the Fayre ! COK. Nay , neuer fidge vp and downe , Numpes , and vexe it selfe . I am resolute Bartholmew , in this ; I l'e make no suite on 't to you ; 't was all the end of my iourney , indeed , to shew Mistris Grace my Fayre : I call 't my Fayre , because of Bartholmew : you know my name is Bartholmew , and Bartholmew Fayre . IOH. That was mine afore , Gentlemen : this morning . I had that i'faith , vpon his Licence , beleeue me , there he comes , after me . QVAR. Come , Iohn , this ambitious wit of yours , ( I am afraid ) will doe you no good i' the end . IOH. No ? why Sir ? QVAR. You grow so insolent with it , and ouerdoing , Iohn : that if you looke not to it , and tie it vp , it will bring you to some obscure place in time , and there'twill leaue you . WIN-W. Doe not trust it too much , Iohn , be more sparing , and vse it , but now and then ; a wit is a dangerous thing , in this age ; doe not ouer buy it . IOH. Thinke you so , Gentlemen ? I 'll take heed on 't , hereafter . WIN. Yes , doe Iohn . COK. A prety little soule , this same Mistris Little-wit ! would I might marry her . GRA. So would I , or any body else , so I might scape you , COK. Numps , I will see it , Numpes , 't is decreed : neuer be melancholy for the matter . WAS. Why , see it , Sir , see it , doe see it ! who hinders you ? why doe you not goe see it ? 'Slid see it . COK. The Fayre , Numps , the Fayre . WAS. Would the Fayre and all the Drums , and Rattles in 't , were i' your belly for mee : they are already i' your braine : he that had the meanes to trauell you head , now , should meet finer sights then any are i' the Fayre ; and make a finer voyage on 't ; to see it all hung with cockle-shels , pebbles , fine wheat-strawes , and here and there a chicken's feather , and a cob-web . QVAR. Goodfaith , hee lookes , me thinkes an' you marke him , like one that were made to catch flies , with his Sir Cranion-legs . WIN-W. And his Numpes , to flap 'hem away . WAS. God , be w'you , Sir , there 's your Bee in a box , and much good doo 't , you . COK. Why , your friend , and Bartholmew ; an' you be so contumacious . QVAR. What meane you , Numpes ? WAS. I 'll not be guilty , I , Gentlemen . OVER. You will not let him goe , Brother , and loose him ? COK. Who can hold that will away ? I had rather loose him then the Fayre , I wusse . WAS. You doe not know the inconuenience , Gentlemen , you perswade to : nor what trouble I haue with him in these humours . If he goe to the Fayre , he will buy of euery thing , to a Baby there ; and houshold-stuffe for that too . If a legge or an arme on him did not grow on , hee would lose it i' the presse . Pray heauen I bring him off with one stone ! And then he is such a Rauener after fruite ! you will not beleeue what a coyle I had , t'other day , to compound a businesse betweene a Katerne-peare-woman , and him , about snatching ! 't is intolerable , Gentlemen . WIN-W. O! but you must not leaue him , now , to these hazards , Numpes . WAS. Nay , hee knowes too well , I will not leaue him , and that makes him presume : well , Sir , will you goe now ? if you haue such an itch i' your feete , to foote it to the Fayre , why doe you stop , am I your Tarriars ? goe , will you goe ? Sir , why doe you not goe ? COK. O Numps ! haue I brought you about ? come Mistresse Grace , and Sister , I am resolute Batt , i'faith , still . GRA. Truely , I haue no such fancy to the Fayre ; nor ambition to see it ; there 's none goes thither of any quality or fashion . COK. O Lord , Sir ! you shall pardon me , Mistris Grace , we are inow of our selues to make it a fashion : and for qualities , let Numps alone , he 'l finde qualities . QVAR. What a Rogue in apprehension is this ! to vnderstand her language no better . WIN-W. I , and offer to marry to her ? well , I will leaue the chase of my widdow , for to day , and directly to the Fayre . These flies 〈…〉 this hot season , but engender vs excellent creeping sport . 〈…〉 man that has but a spoone full of braine , would think ●o ●arewell , Iohn . IOH. Win , you see , 't is in fashion , to goe to the Fayre , Win : we ●u●t to the Fayre too , you , and I , Win. I haue an affaire i' the Fayre , 〈◊〉 , a Puppet-play of mine owne making , say nothing , that I writ for ●he motion man , which you must see , Win. WIN. I would I might Iohn , but my mother will neuer consent to such a prophane motion : she will call it . IOH. Tut , we 'll haue a deuice , a dainty one ; ( Now , Wit , helpe at a pinch , good Wit come , come , good Wit , and 't be thy will. ) I haue it , Win , I haue it 'ifaith , and 't is a fine one . Win , long to eate of a Pigge , sweet Win , i' the Fayre ; doe you see ? i' the heart o' the Fayre ; not at Pye-Corner . Your mother will doe any thing , Win , to satisfie your longing , you know , pray thee long , presently , and be sicke o' the sudden , good Win. I 'll goe in and tell her , cut thy lace i' the meane time , and play the Hypocrite , sweet Win. WIN. No , I 'll not make me vnready for it . I can be Hypocrite enough , though I were neuer so straight lac'd . IOH. You say true , you haue bin bred i' the family , and brought vp to 't . Our mother is a most elect Hypocrite , and has maintain'd us all this seuen yeere with it , like Gentle-folkes . WIN. I , Let her alone , Iohn , she is not a wise wilfull widdow for nothing , nor a sanctified sister for a song . And let me alone too , I ha' somewhat o' the mother in me , you shall see , fetch her , fetch her , ah , ah . ACT. I. SCENE . VI. PVRECRAFT . WIN. IOHN . BVSY. SALOMON . NOw , the blaze of the beauteous discipline , fright away this euill from our house ! how now Win-the-fight , Child : how do you ? Sweet child , speake to me . WIN. Yes , forsooth . PVR. Looke vp , sweet Win-the-fight , and suffer not the enemy to enter you at this doore , remember that your education has bin with the purest , what polluted one was it , that nam'd first the vncleane beast , Pigge , to you , Child ? WIN. ( Vh , vh . ) IOH. Not I , o' my sincerity , mother : she long'd aboue three houres , ere she would let me know it ; who was it Win ? WIN. A prophane blacke thing with a beard , Iohn . PVR. O! resist it , Win-the-fight , it is the Tempter , the wicked Tempter , you may know it by the fleshly motion of Pig , be strong against it , and it 's foule temptations , in these assaults , whereby it broacheth flesh and blood , as it were , on the weaker side , and pray against it's carnall prouocations , good child , sweet child , pray . IOH. Good mother , I pray you ; that she may eate some Pigge , and her belly full , too ; and doe not you cast away your owne child , and perhaps one of mine , with your tale of the Tempter : how doe you , Win ? Are you not sicke ? WIN. Yes , a great deale , Iohn , ( vh , vh . ) PVR. What shall we doe ? call our zealous brother Busy hither , for his faithfull fortification in this charge of the aduersary ; child , my deare childe , you shall eate Pigge , be comforted , my sweet child . WIN. I , but i' the Fayre , mother . PVR. I meane i' the Fayre , if it can be any way made , or found lawfull ; where is our brother Busy ? Will hee not come ? looke vp , child . IOH. Presently , mother , as soone as he has cleans'd his beard . I found him , fast by the teeth , i' the cold Turkey-pye , i' the cupbord , with a great white loafe on his left hand , and a glasse of Malmesey on his right . PVR. Slander not the Brethren , wicked one . IOH. Here hee is , now , purified , Mother . PVR. O brother Busy ! your helpe heere to edifie , and raise vs vp in a scruple ; my daughter Win-the-fight is visited with a naturall disease of women ; call'd , A longing to eate Pigge . IOH. I Sir , a Bartholmew-pigge : and in the Fayre . PVR. And I would be satisfied from you , Religiously-wise , whether a widdow of the sanctified assembly , or a widdowes daughter , may commit the act , without offence to the weaker sisters . BVS. Verily , for the disease of longing , it is a disease , a carnall disease , or appetite , incident to women : and as it is carnall , and incident , it is naturall , very naturall : Now Pigge , it is a meat , and a meat that is nourishing , and may be long'd for , and so consequently eaten ; it may be eaten ; very exceeding well eaten : but in the Fayre , and as a Bartholmew-pig , it cannot be eaten , for the very calling it a Bartholmew-pigge , and to eat it so , is a spice of Idolatry , and you make the Fayre , no better then one of the high Places . This I take it , is the state of the question . A high place . IOH. I , but in state of necessity : Place should giue place , Mr ▪ Busy , ( I haue a conceit left , yet . ) PVR. Good Brother , Zeale-of-the-land , thinke to make it as lawfull as you can . IOH. Yes Sir , and as soone as you can : for it must be Sir ; you see the danger my little wife is in , Sir. PVR. Truely , I doe loue my child dearely , and I would not haue her miscarry , or hazard her first fruites , if it might be otherwise . BVS. Surely , it may be otherwise , but it is subiect , to construction , subiect , and hath a face of offence , with the weake , a great face , a foule face , but that face may haue a vaile put ouer it , and be shaddowed , as it were , it may be eaten , and in the Fayre , I take it , in a Booth , the tents of the wicked : the place is not much , not very much , we may be religious in midst of the prophane , so it be eaten with a reformed mouth , with sobriety , and humblenesse ; not gorg'd in with gluttony , or greedinesse ; there 's the feare : for , should she goe there , as taking pride in the place , or delight in the vncleane dressing , to feed the vanity of the eye , or the lust of the palat , it were not well , it were not fit , it were abominable , and not good . IOH. Nay , I knew that afore , and told her on 't , but courage , Win , we 'll be humble enough ; we 'll seeke out the homeliest Booth i' the Fayre , that 's certaine , rather then faile , wee 'll eate it o' the ground . PVR. I , and I 'll goe with you my selfe , Win th e-fight , and my brother , Zeale-of-the-land , shall goe with vs too , for our better consolation . WIN. Vh , vh . IOH. I , and Salomon too , Win , ( the more the merrier ) Win , we 'll leaue Rabby Busy in a Booth . Salomon , my cloake . SAL. Here , Sir. BVS. In the way of comfort to the weake , I will goe , and eat . I will eate exceedingly , and prophesie ; there may be a good vse made of it , too , now I thinke on 't : by the publike eating of Swines flesh , to professe our hate , and loathing of Iudaisme , whereof the brethren stand taxed . I will therefore eate , yea , I will eate exceedingly . IOH. Good , i'faith , I will eate heartily too , because I will be no Iew , I could neuer away with that stiffenecked generation : and truely , I hope my little one will be like me , that cries for Pigge so , i' the mothers belly . BVS. Very likely , exceeding likely , very exceeding likely . ACT. II. SCENE . I. IVSTICE OVERDOO . WEll , in Iustice name , and the Kings ; and for the common-wealth ! defie all the world , Adam Ouerdoo , for a disguise , and all story ; for thou hast fitted thy selfe , I sweare ; faine would I meet the Linccus now , that Eagles eye , that peircing Epidaurian serpent ( as my Quint. Horace cal's him ) that could discouer a Iustice of Peace , ( and lately of the Quorum ) vnder this couering . They may haue seene many a foole in the habite of a Iustice ; but neuer till now , a Iustice in the habit of a foole . Thus must we doe , though , that wake for the publike good : and thus hath the wise Magistrate done in all ages . There is a doing of right out of wrong , if the way be found . Neuer shall I enough commend a worthy worshipfull man , sometime a capitall member of this City , for his high wisdome , in this point , who would take you , now the habit of a Porter ; now of a Carman ; now of the Dog-killer , in this moneth of August ; and in the winter , of a Seller of tinder-boxes ; and what would hee doe in all these shapes ? mary goe you into euery Alehouse , and down into euery Celler ; measure the length of puddings , take the gage of blacke pots , and cannes , I , and custards with a sticke ; and their circumference , with a thrid ; weigh the loaues of bread on his middle-finger ; then would he send for 'hem , home ; giue the puddings to the poore , the bread to the hungry , the custards to his children ; breake the pots , and burne the cannes , himselfe ; hee Would not trust his corrupt officers ; he would do 't himselfe . would all men in authority would follow this worthy president ! For ( alas ) as we are publike persons , what doe we know ? nay , what can wee know ? wee heare with other mens eares ; wee see with other mens eyes ? a foolish Constable , or a sleepy Watchman , is all our information , he slanders a Gentleman , by the vertue of his place , ( as he calls it ) and wee by the vice of ours , must beleeue him . As a while agone , they made mee , yea me , to mistake an honest zealous Pursiuant , for a Seminary : and a proper yong Batcheler of Musicke , for a Bawd. This wee are subiect to , that liue in high place , all our intelligence is idle , and most of our intelligencers , knaues : and by your leaue , our selues , thought little better , if not errant fooles , for beleeuing ' hem . I Adam Ouerdoo , am resolu'd therefore , to spare spy-money hereafter , and make mine owne discoueries . Many are the yeerely enormities of of this Fayre , in whose courts of Pye-pouldres I haue had the honour during the three dayes sometimes to sit as Iudge . But this is the speciall day for detection of those foresaid enormities . Here is my blacke booke , for the purpose ; this the cloud that hides me : vnder this couert I shall see , and not be seene . On Iunius Brutus . And as I began , so I 'll end : in Iustice name , and the Kings ; and for the Common-wealth . ACT. II. SCENE . II. LEATHERHEAD . TRASH . IVSTICE . VRS'LA . MOONE-CALFE . NIGHTINGALE . Costermonger . Passengers . THe Fayre's pestlence dead , mee thinkes ; people come not abroad , to day , what euer the matter is . Doe you heare , Sister Trash , Lady o' the Basket ? sit farther with your ginger-bread-progeny there , and hinder not the prospect of my shop , or I 'll ha' it proclaim'd i' the Fayre , what stuffe they are made on . TRA. Why , what stuffe are they made on , Brother Leather-head ? nothing but what 's wholesome , I assure you . LEA. Yes , stale bread , rotten egges , musty ginger , and dead honey , you know . IVS. I ! haue I met with enormity , so soone ? LEA. I shall marre your market , old Ione . TRA. Marre my market , thou too-proud Pedler ? do thy worst ; I defie thee , I , and thy stable of hobby-horses . I pay for my ground , as well as thou dost , and thou wrong'st mee for all thou art parcell-poet , and an Inginer . I 'll finde a friend shall right me , and make a ballad of thee , and thy cattell all ouer . Are you puft vp with the pride of your wares ? your Arsedine ? LEA. Goe to , old Ione , I 'll talke with you anone ; and take you downe too , afore Iustice Ouerdoo , he is the man must charme you , I le ha' you i' the Piepouldres . TRA. Charme me ? I 'll meet thee face to face , afore his worship , when thou dar'st : and though I be a little crooked o' my body , I 'll be found as vpright in my dealing , as any woman in Smithfield , I , charme me ? IVS. I am glad , to heare , my name is their terror , yet , this is doing of Iustice. LEA. What doe you lacke ? what is 't you buy ? what do you lacke ? Rattles , Drums , Halberts , Horses , Babies o●the best ? Fiddles o' th finest ? Enter Cost . COS. Buy any peares , peares , fine , very fine peares . TRA. Buy any ginger-bread , guilt ginger-beard ! NIG. Hey , now the Fayre 's a filling ! O , for a Tune to startle The Birds o' the Booths here billing ▪ Yeerely with old Saint Barthle ! The Drunkards they are wading , The Punques , and Chapmen trading ; who 'ld see the Fayre without his lading ? Buy any ballads ; new ballads ? VRS. Fye vpon 't : who would weare out their youth , and prime thus , in roasting of pigges , that had any cooler vocation ? Hell 's a kind of cold cellar to t , a very fine vault , o' my conscience ! what Moone-calfe . MOo. Heere , Mistresse . NIG. How now Vrsla ? in a heate , in a heat ? VRS. My chayre , you false faucet you ; and my mornings draught , quickly , a botle of Ale , to quench mee , Rascall . I am all sire , and fat , Nightingale , I shall e'en melt away to the first woman , a ribbe againe , I am afraid . I doe water the ground in knots , as I goe , like a great Garden-pot , you may follow me by the S.S. s. I make . NIG. Alas , good Vr's ; was Zekiel heere this morning ? VRS. Zekiel ? what Zekiel ? NIG. Zekiel Edgeworth , the ciuill cut-purse , you know him well enough ; hee that talkes bawdy to you still : I call him my Secretary . VRS. He promis'd to be heere this morning , I remember . NIG. When he comes , bid him stay : I 'll be backe againe presently . VRS. Best take your mornings dew in your belly , Nightingale , come , Moon-calfe brings in the Chaire . Sir , set it heere , did not I bid you should get this chayre let out o' the sides , for me , that my hips might play ? you 'll neuer thinke of any thing , till your dame be rumpgall'd ; 't is well , Changeling : because it can take in your Grasse-hoppers thighes , you care for no more . Now , you looke as you had been i' the corner o' the Booth , fleaing your breech , with a candles end , and set fire o' the Fayre . Fill , Stote : fill . IVS. This Pig-woman doe I know , and I will put her in , for my second enormity , shee hath beene before mee , Punke , Pinnace and Bawd , any time these two and twenty yeeres , vpon record i' the Pie-poudres . VRS. Fill againe , you vnlucky vermine . MOO. 'Pray you be not angry , Mistresse , I 'll ha' it widen'd anone . VRS. No , no , I shall e'en dwindle away to 't , ere the Fayre be done , you thinke , now you ha' heated me ? A poore vex'd thing I am , I feele my selfe dropping already , as fast as I can : two stone a sewet aday is my proportion : I can but hold life & soule together , with this ( heere 's to you , Nightingale ) and a whiffe of tobacco , at most . Where 's my pipe now ? not fill'd ? thou errant Incubee . NIG. Nay , Vrsla , thou 'lt gall betweene the tongue and the teeth , with fretting , now . VRS. How can I hope , that euer hee 'll discharge his place of trust , Tapster , a man of reckoning vnder me , that remembers nothing I say to him ? but looke too 't , sirrah , you were best , three pence a pipe full , I will ha' made , of all my whole halfe pound of tabacco , and a quarter of a pound of Coltsfoot , mixt with it too , to itch it out . I that haue dealt so long in the fire , will not be to seek in smoak , now . Then 6. and 20. shillings a barrell I will aduance o' my Beere ; and fifty shillings a hundred o' my bottle-ale , I ha' told you the waies how to raise it . Froth your cannes well i' the filling , at length Rogue , and iogge your bottles o' the buttocke , Sirrah , then skinke out the first glasse , euer , and drinke with all companies , though you be sure to be drunke ; you 'll mis-reckon the better , and be lesse asham'd on 't . But your true tricke , Rascall , must be , to be euer busie , and mis-take away the bottles and cannes , in hast , before they be halfe drunke off , and neuer heare any body call , ( if they should chance to marke you ) till you ha' brought fresh , and be able to forsweare ' hem . Giue me a drinke of Ale. IVS. This is the very wombe , and bedde of enormitie ! grosse , as her selfe ! this must all downe for enormity , all , euery whit on 't . VRS. Looke , who 's there , Sirrah ? One knocks . fiue shillings a Pigge is my price , at least ; if it be a sow-pig , six pence more ▪ if she be a great bellied wife , and long for 't , six pence more for that . IVS. O Tempora ! O mores ! I would not ha' lost my discouery of this one grieuance , for my place , and worship o' the Bench , how is the poore subiect abus'd , here ! well , I will fall in with her , and with her Moone-calfe , and winne out wonders of enormity . By thy leaue , goodly woman , and the fatnesse of the Fayre : oyly as the Kings constables Lampe , and shining as his Shooing-horne ! hath thy Ale vertue , or thy Beere strength ? that the tongue of man may be tickled ? and his palat pleas'd in the morning ? let thy pretty Nephew here , goe search and see . VRS. What new Roarer is this ? MOO. O Lord ! doe you not know him , Mistris , 't is mad Arthur of Bradley , that makes the Orations ▪ Braue Master , old Arthur of Bradley , how doe you ? welcome to the Fayre , when shall wee heare you againe , to handle your matters ? with your backe againe a Booth , ha ? I ha' bin one o' your little disciples , i' my dayes ! IVS. Let me drinke , boy , with my loue , thy Aunt , here ; that I may be eloquent : but of thy best , lest it be bitter in my mouth , and my words fall foule on the Fayre . VRS. Why dost thou not fetch him drinke ? and offer him to sit ? MOO. Is 't Ale , or Beere ? Master Arthur ? IVS. Thy best , pretty stripling , thy best ; the same thy Doue drinketh , and thou drawest on holy daies . VRS. Bring him a sixe penny bottle of Ale ; they say , a fooles handsell is lucky . IVS. Bring both , child . Ale for Arthur , and Beere for Bradley . Ale for thine Aunt , boy . My disguise takes to the very wish , and reach of it . I shall by the benefit of this , discouer enough , and more : and yet get off with the reputation of what I would be . A certaine midling thing , betweene a foole and a madman . ACT. II. SCENE . III. KNOCKHVM . to them . WHat ! my little leane Vrsla ! my shee-Beare ! art thou aliue yet ? with thy litter of pigges , to grunt out another Bartholmew Fayre ? ha ! VRS. Yes , and to amble afoote , when the Fayre is done , to heare you groane out of a cart , vp the heauy hill . KNO. Of Holbourne , Vrsla , meanst thou so ? for what ? for what , pretty Vrs ? VRS. For cutting halfe-penny purses : or stealing little penny dogges , out o' the Fayre . KNO. O! good words , good words Vrs. IVS. Another speciall enormitie . A cutpurse of the sword ! the boote , and the feather ! those are his marks . VRS. You are one of those horsleaches , that gaue out I was dead , in Turne-bull streete , of a surfet of botle ale , and tripes ? KNO. No , 't was better meat Vrs : cowes vdders , cowes vdders ! VRS. Well , I shall be meet with your mumbling mouth one day . KNO. What ? thou 'lt poyson mee with a neuft in a bottle of Ale , will 't thou ? or a spider in a tobacco-pipe , Vrs ? Come , there 's no malice in these fat folkes , I neuer feare thee , and I can scape thy leane Moonecalfe heere . Let 's drinke it out , good Vrs , and no vapours ! IVS. Dost thou heare , boy ? ( there 's for thy Ale , and the remnant for thee ) speake in thy faith of a faucet , now ; is this goodly person before vs here , this vapours , a knight of the knife ? MOO. What meane you by that , Master Arthur ? IVS. I meane a child of the horne-thumb , a babe of booty , boy ; a cutpurse . MOO. O Lord , Sir ! far from it . This is Master Dan. Knockhum : Iordane the Ranger of Turnebull . He is a horse-courser , Sir. IVS. Thy dainty dame , though , call'd him cutpurse . MOO. Like enough , Sir , shee 'll doe forty such things in an houre ( an you listen to her ) for her recreation , if the toy take her i' the greasie kerchiefe : it makes her fat you see . Shee battens with it . IVS. Here might I ha' beene deceiu'd , now : and ha' put a fooles blot vpon my selfe , if I had not play'd an after game o' discretion . KNO. Alas poore Vrs , this 's an ill season for thee . Vrsla comes in againe dropping . VRS. Hang your selfe , Hacney-man . KNO. How ? how ? Vrs , vapours ! motion breede vapours ? VRS. Vapours ? Neuer tuske , nor twirle your dibble , good Iordane , I know what you 'll take to a very drop . Though you be Captaine o' the Roarers , and fight well at the case of pis-pots , you shall not fright me with your Lyon-chap , Sir , nor your tuskes , you angry ? you are hungry : come , a pigs head will stop your mouth , and stay your stomacke , at all times . KNO. Thou art such another mad merry Vrs still ! Troth I doe make conscience of vexing thee , now i' the dog-daies , this hot weather , for feare of foundring thee i' the bodie ; and melting down a Piller of the Fayre . Pray thee take thy chayre againe , and keepe state ; and let 's haue a fresh bottle of Ale , and a pipe of tabacco ; and no vapours . I 'le ha' this belly o' thine taken vp , and thy grasse scour'd , wench ; looke ! heere 's Ezechiel Edgworth ; a fine boy of his inches , as any is i' the Fayre ! has still money in his purse , and will pay all , with a kind heart ; and good vapours . ACT. II. SCENE . IIII. To them EDGVVORTH . NIGHTINGALE . Corne-cutter . Tinder-box-man . Passengers . THat I will , indeede , willingly , Master Knockhum , fetch some Ale , and Tabacco . LEA. What doe you lacke , Gentlemen ? Maid : see a fine hobby horse for your young Master : cost you but a token a weeke his prouander . COR. Ha' you any cornes ' iyour feete , and toes ? TIN. Buy a Mouse-trap , a Mouse-trap , or a Tormentor for a Flea . TRA. Buy some Ginger-bread . NIG. Ballads , Ballads ! fine new ballads : Heare for your loue , and buy for your money . A delicate ballad o' the Ferret and the Coney . A preseruatiue again ' the Punques euill . Another of Goose-greene-starch , and the Deuill . A dozen of diuine points , and the Godly garters . The Fairing of good councell , of an ell and three quarters . What is 't you buy ? The Wind-mill blowne downe by the witches fart ! Or Saint George , that O! did breake the Dragons heart ! EDG. Master Nightingale , come hither , leaue your mart a little . NIG. O my Secretary ! what sayes my Secretarie ? IVS. Childe o' the bottles , what 's he ? what he ? MOO. A ciuill young Gentleman , Master Arthur , that keepes company with the Roarers , and disburses all , still . He has euer money in his purse ; He payes for them ; and they roare for him : one do's good offices for another . They call him the Secretary , but he serues no body . A great friend of the Ballad-mans they are neuer asunder . IVS. What pitty 't is , so ciuill a young man should haunt this debaucht company ? here 's the bane of the youth of our time apparant . A proper penman , I see 't in his countenance , he has a good Clerks looke with him , and I warrant him a quicke hand . MOO. A very quicke hand , Sir. EDG. All the purses , and purchase , I giue you to day by conueyance , bring hither to Vrsla's presently . This they whisper , that Ouerdoo heares it not . Heere we will meet at night in her ●odge , and share . Looke you choose good places , for your standing i' the Fayre , when you sing , Nightingale . VRS. I , neere the fullest passages ; and shift 'hem often . EDG. And i' your singing , you must vse your hawks eye nimbly , and flye the purse to a marke , still , where 't is worne , and o'which side ; that you may gi'me the signe with your beake , or hang your head that way i' the tune . VRS. Enough , talke no more on 't : your friendship ( Masters ) is not now to beginne . Drinke your draught of Indenture , your sup of Couenant , and away , the Fayre fils apace , company begins to come in , and I ha' ne'er a Pigge ready , yet . KNO. Well said ! fill the cups , and light the tabacco : let 's giue fire i' th' works , and noble vapours . EDG. And shall we ha' smockes Vrsla , and good whimsies , ha ? VRS. Come , you are i' your bawdy vaine ! the best the Fayre will afford , Zekiel , if Bawd Whit keepe his word ; how doe the Pigges , Moone-calfe ? MOO. Very passionate , Mistresse , one on 'hem has wept out an eye . Master Arthur o' Bradley is melancholy , heere , no body talkes to him . Will you any tabacco Master Arthur ? IVS. No , boy , let my meditations alone . MOO. He 's studying for an Oration , now . IVS. If I can , with this daies trauell , and all my policy , but rescue this youth , here , out of the hands of the lewd man , and the strange woman . I will sit downe at night , and say with my friend Ouid , Iamque opus exegi , quod nec Iouis ira , nec ignis , &c. KNO. Here Zekiel ; here 's a health to Vrsla , and a kind vapour , thou hast money i' thy purse still ; and store ! how dost thou come by it ? Pray thee vapour thy friends some in a courteous vapour . EDG. Halfe I haue , Master Dan. Knockhum , is alwaies at your seruice , IVS. Ha , sweete nature ! what Goshawke would prey vpon such a Lambe ? KNO. Let 's see , what 't is , Zekiel ! count it , come , fill him to pledge mee . ACT. II. SCENE . V. WIN-WIFE . QVARLOVS . to them . WEe are heere before 'hem , me thinkes . QVAR. All the better , we shall see 'hem come in now . LEA. What doe you lacke , Gentlemen , what is 't you lacke ? a fine Horse ? a Lyon ? a Bull ? a Beare ? a Dog , or a Cat ? an excellent fine Bartholmew ▪ bird ? or an Instrument ? what is 't you lacke ? QVAR. S'lid ! heere 's Orpheus among the beasts , with his Fiddle , and all ! TRA. Will you buy any comfortable bread , Gentlemen ? QVAR. And Ceres selling her daughters picture , in Ginger-worke ! WIN. That these people should be so ignorant to thinke vs chapmen for ' hem ! doe wee looke as if wee would buy Ginger-bread ? or Hobby-horses ? QVAR. Why , they know no better ware then they haue , nor better customers then come . And our very being here makes vs fit to be demanded , as well as others . Would Cokes would come ! there were a true customer for ' hem . KNO. How much is 't ▪ thirty shillings ? who 's yonder ! Ned Winwife ? and Tom Quarlous , I thinke ! yes , ( gi' me it all ) ( gi' me it all ) Master Win-wife ! Master Quarlous ! will you take a pipe of tabacco with vs ? do not discredit me now , Zekiel . WIN. Doe not see him ! he is the roaring horse-courser , pray thee let 's auoyd him : turne downe this way . QVAR. S'lud , I 'le see him , and roare with him , too , and hee roar'd as loud as Neptune , pray thee goe with me . WIN. You may draw me to as likely an inconuenience , when you please , as this . QVAR. Goe to then , come along , we ha' nothing to doe , man , but to see sights , now . KNO. Welcome Master Quarlous , and Master Winwife ! will you take any froth , and smoake with vs ? QVAR. Yes , Sir , but you 'l pardon vs , if we knew not of so much familiarity betweene vs afore . KNO. As what , Sir ? QVAR. To be so lightly inuited to smoake , and ●roth . KNO. A good vapour ! will you sit downe , Sir ? this is old Vrsla's mansion , how like you her bower ? heere you may ha'your Punque , and your Pigge in state , Sir , both piping hot . QVAR. I had rather ha' my Punque , cold , Sir. IVS. There 's for me , Punque ! and Pigge ! VRS. What Moonecalfe ? you Rogue . She calls within . MOO. By and by , the bottle is almost off Mistresse , here Master Arthur . VRS. I 'le part you , and your play-fellow there , i' the garded coat , an' you sunder not the sooner . KNO. Master Win-wife , you are proud ( me thinkes ) you doe not talke , nor drinke , are you proud ? WIN. Not of the company I am in , Sir , nor the place , I assure you . KNO. You doe not except at the company ! doe you ? are you in vapours , Sir ? MOO. Nay , good Master Dan : Knockhum , respect my Mistris Bower , as you call it ; for the honour of our Booth , none o' your vapours , heere . VRS. Why , you thinne leane Polcat you , and they haue a minde to be i' their vapours , must you hinder 'hem ? what did you know Vermine , if they would ha' lost a cloake , or such a triflle ? She comes out with a fire-brand . must you be drawing the ayre of pacification heere ? while I am tormented , within , i' the fire , you Weasell ? MOO. Good Mistresse , 't was in the behalfe of your Booth's credit , that I spoke . VRS , Why ? would my Booth ha' broake , if they had fal'ne out in 't ? Sir ? or would their heate ha' fit'd it ? in , you Rogue , and wipe the pigges , and mend the fire , that they fall not , or I 'le both baste and roast you , till your eyes drop out , like ' hem . ( Leaue the bottle behinde you , and be curst a while . ) QVAR. Body o' the Fayre ! what 's this ? mother o' the Bawds ? KNO. No , she 's mother o' the Pigs , Sir , mother o' the Pigs ! WIN. Mother o' the Furies , I thinke , by her firebrand . QVAR. Nay , shee is too fat to be a Fury , sure , some walking Sow of tallow ! WIN. An inspir'd vessell of Kitchin-sluffe ! QVAR. She 'll make excellent geere for the Coach-makers , She drinkes this while . here in Smithfield , to anoynt wheeles and axell trees with . VRS. I , I , Gamesters , mocke a plaine plumpe soft wench o' the Suburbs , doe , because she 's iuicy and wholesome : you must ha' your thinne pinch'd ware , pent vp i' the compasse of a dogge-collar , ( or 't will not do ) that lookes like a long lac'd Conger , set vpright , and a greene feather , like fennell i' the Ioll on 't . KNO. Well said Vrs , my good Vrs ; to 'hem Vrs. QVAR. Is shee your quagmite , Dan : Knockhum ? is this your Bogge ? NIG. We shall haue a quarrel presently . KNO. How ? Bog ? Quagmire ? foule vapours ! hum'h ! QVAR. Yes , hee that would venture for 't , I assure him , might sinke into her , and be drown'd a weeke , ere any friend hee had , could find where he were . WIN. And then he would be a fort'night weighing vp againe . QVAR. 'T were like falling into a whole Shire of butter : they had need be a teeme of Dutchmen , should draw him out . KNO. Answer 'hem , Vrs , where 's thy Bartholmew-wit , now ? Vrs , thy Bartholmew-wit ? VRS. Hang 'hem , rotten , roguy Cheaters , I hope to see 'hem plagu'd one day ( pox'd they are already , I am sure ) with leane play-house poultry , that has the boany rumpe , sticking out like the Ace of Spades , or the point of a Partizan , that euery rib of 'hem is like the tooth of a Saw : and will so grate 'hem with their hips , & shoulders , as ( take 'hem altogether ) they were as good lye with a hurdle . QVAR. Out vpon her , how she drips ! she 's able to giue a man the sweating Sicknesse , with looking on her . VRS. Mary looke off , with a patch o' your face ; and a dosen i' your breech , though they be o'scarlet , Sir. I ha' seene as fine outsides , as either o' yours , bring lowsie linings to the Brokers , ere now , twice a weeke ? QVAR. Doe you thinke there may be a fine new Cuckingstoole i' the Fayre , to be purchas'd ? one large inough , I meane . I know there is a pond of capacity , for her . VRS. For your mother , you Rascall , out you Rogue , you hedge bird , you Pimpe , you pannier-mans bastard , you . QVAR. Ha , ha , ha . VRS. Doe you sneere , you dogs-head , you Trendle tayle ! you looke as you were begotten a'top of a Cart in haruest-time , when the whelp was hot and eager . Go , snuffe after your brothers bitch , Mrs Commodity , that 's the Liuory you weare , 't will be out at the elbows , shortly . It 's time you went to 't , for the to'ther remnant . KNO. Peace , Vrs , peace , Vrs , they 'll kill the poore Whale , and make oyle of her . Pray thee goe in . VRS. I 'le see 'hem pox'd first , and pil'd , and double pil'd . WIN. Let 's away , her language growes greasier then her Pigs . VRS. Dos't so , snotty nose ? good Lord ! are you sniueling ? you were engendred on a she-begger , in a barne , when the bald Thrasher , your Sire , was scarce warme . WIN. Pray thee , let 's goe . QVAR. No , faith : I 'le stay the end of her , now : I know shee cannot last long ; I finde by her similes , shee wanes a pace . VRS. Do's shee so ? I 'le set you gone . Gi' mee my Pig-pan hither a little . I 'le scald you hence , and you will not goe . KNO. Gentlemen , these are very strange vapours ! and very idle vapours ! I assure you . QVAR. You are a very serious asse , wee assure you . KNO. Humh ! Asse ? and serious ? nay , then pardon mee my vapour . I haue a foolish vapour , Gentlemen : any man that doe's vapour me , the Asse , Master Quarlous — QVAR. What then , Master Iordan ? KNO. I doe vapour him the lye . QVAR. Faith , and to any man that vapours mee the lie , I doe vapour that . KNO. Nay , then , vapours vpon vapours . EDG. NIG. ' Ware the pan , the pan , the pan , shee comes with the pan , Gentlemen . God blesse the woman . VRS. Oh. ERA. What 's the matter ? IVS. Goodly woman ! MOO. Mistresse ! VRS. Curse of hell , that euer I saw these Feinds , oh ! I ha' scalded my leg , my leg , my leg , my leg . I ha' lost a limb in the seruice ! run for some creame and sallad oyle , quickly . Are you vnder-peering , you Baboun ? rip off my hose , an' you be men , men , men . MOO. Runne you for some creame , good mother Ione . I 'le looke to your basket . LEA. Best sit vp i' your chaire , Vrsla . Helpe , Gentlemen . KNO. Be of good cheere , Vrs , thou hast hindred me the currying of a couple of Stallions , here , that abus'd the good race - Bawd o'Smithfield ; 't was time for 'hem to goe . NIG. I faith , when the panne came , they had made you runne else . ( this had beene a fine time for purchase , if you had ventur'd . ) EDG. Not a whit , these fellowes were too fine to carry money . KNO. Nightingale , get some helpe to carry her legge out o' the ayre ; take off her shooes ; body o' me , she has the Mallanders , the scratches , the crowne scabbe , and the quitter bone , i' the tother legge . VRS. Oh! the poxe , why doe you put me in minde o' my leg , thus , to make it prick , and shoot ? would you ha' me i' the Hospitall , afore my time ? KNO. Patience , Vrs , take a good heart , 't is but a blister , as big as a Windgall ; I 'le take it away with the white of an egge , a little honey , and hogs grease , ha' thy pasternes well rol'd , and thou shall 't pase againe by to morrow . I 'le tend thy Booth , and looke to thy affaires , the while : thou shalt sit i' thy chaire , and giue directions , and shine Vrsa maior . ACT. II. SCENE . VI. IVSTICE . EDGEWORTH . NIGHTINGALE . COKES . WASPE. Mistris OVERDOO . GRACE . THese are the fruites of bottle-ale , and tabacco ! the some of the one , and the fumes of the other ! Stay young man , and despise not the wisedome of these few hayres , that are growne gray in care of thee . EDG. Nightingale , stay a little . Indeede I 'le heare some o' this ! COK. Come , Numps , come , where are you ? welcome into the Fayre , Mistris Grace . EDG. S'light , hee will call company , you shall see , and put vs into doings presently . IVS. Thirst not after that frothy liquor , Ale : for , who knowes , when hee openeth the stopple , what may be in the bottle ? hath not a Snaile , a Spider , yea , a Neuft bin found there ? thirst not after it , youth : thirst not after it . COK. This is a braue fellow , Numps , let 's heare him . WAS. S'blood , how braue is he ? in a garded coate ? you were best trucke with him , e'en strip , and trucke presently , it will become you , why will you heare him , because he is an Asse , and may be a kinnne to the Cokeses ? COK. O , good Numps ! IVS. Neither doe thou lust after that tawney weede , tabacco . COK. Braue words ! IVS. Whose complexion is like the Indians that vents it ! COK. Are they not braue words , Sister ? IVS. And who can tell , if , before the gathering , and making vp thereof , the Alligarta hath not piss'd thereon ? WAS. Heart let 'hem be braue words ▪ as braue as they will ! and they were all the braue words in a Countrey , how then ? will you away yet ? ha'you inough on him ? Mistris Grace , come you away , I pray you , be not you accessary . If you doe lose your Licence , or somewhat else , Sir , with listning to his fables : say , Numps , is a witch , with all my heart , doe , say so . COK. Avoyd i' your sattin doublet , Numps . IVS. The creeping venome of which subtill serpent , as some late writers affirme ; neither the cutting of the perrillous plant , nor the drying of it , nor the lighting , or burning , can any way perssway or , asswage . COK. Good , i'faith ! is 't not Sister ? IVS. Hence it is , that the lungs of the Tabacconist are rotted , the Liuer spotted , the braine smoak'd like the backside of the Pig-womans Booth , here , and the whole body within , blacke , as her Pan , you saw e'en now , without . COK. A sine similitude , that , Sir ! did you see the panne ? EDG. Yes , Sir. IVS. Nay , the hole in the nose heere , of some tabacco-takers , or the third nostrill , ( if I may so call it ) which makes , that they can vent the tabacco out , like the Ace of clubs , or rather the Flower-de-lice , is caused from the tabacco , the meere tabacco ! when the poore innocent pox , hauing nothing to doe there , is miserably , and most vnconscionably slander'd . COK. Who would ha' mist this , Sister ? OVER. Not any body , but Numps . COK. He do's not vnderstand . EDG. Nor you feele . COK. What would you haue , Sister , Hee picketh his purse . of a fellow that knowes nothing but a basket-hilt , and an old Fox in 't ? the best musique i' the Fayre , will not moue a logge . EDG. In , to Vrsla , Nightingale , and carry her comfort : see it told . This fellow was sent to vs by fortune , for our first fairing . IVS. But what speake I of the diseases of the body , children of the Fayre ? COK. That 's to vs , Sister . Braue i'faith ! IVS. Harke , O , you sonnes and daughters of Smithfield ! and heare what mallady it doth the minde : It causeth swearing , it causeth swaggering , it causeth snuffling , and snarling , and now and then a hurt . OVE. He hath something of Master Ouerdo● , mee thinkes , brother . COK. So mee thought , Sister , very much of my brother Ouerdoo : And 't is , when he speakes . IVS. Looke into any Angle o' the towne , ( the Streights , or the Bermuda's ) where the quarrelling lesson is read , and how doe they entertaine the time , but with bottle-ale , and tabacco ? The Lecturer is o'one side , and his Pupils o' the other ; But the seconds are still bottle ale , and tabacco , for which the Lecturer reads , and rhe Nouices pay . Thirty pound a weeke in bo●●le-ale ! forty in tabacco ! and ten more in Ale againe . Then for a sute to drinke in , so much , and ( that being slauer'd ) so much for another sute , and then a third sute , and a fourth sute ! and still the bottle-ale slauereth , and the tabacco stinketh ! WAS. Heart of a mad-man ! are you rooted heere ? well you neuer away ? what can any man finde out in this bawling fellow , to grow heere for ? hee is a full handfull higher , sin'he heard him , will you fix heere ? and set vp a Booth ? Sir ? IVS. I will conclude briefely — WAS. Hold your peace , you roaring Rascall , I 'le runne my head i' your chaps else . You were best build a Booth , and entertaine him , make your Will , and you say the word , and him your heyre ! heart , I neuer knew one taken with a mouth of a peeke , afore . By this light , I 'le carry you away o' my backe , and you will not come . He gets him vp on pick-packe . COK. Stay Numpes , stay , set mee downe : I ha' lost my purse , Numps , O my purse ! one o' my fine purses is gone . OVER. Is 't indeed , brother ? COK. I , as I am an honest man , would I were an errant Rogue , else ! a plague of all roguy , damn'd cut-purses for me . WAS. Blesse 'hem with all my heart , with all my heart , do you see ! Now , as I am no Infidell , that I know of , I am glad on 't . I I am , ( here 's my witnesse ! ) doe you see , Sir ? I did not tell you of his fables , I ? no , no , I am a dull malt-horse , I , I know nothing . Are you not iustly seru'd i' your conscience now ? speake i' your conscience . Much good doe you with all my heart , and his good heart that has it , with all my heart againe . EDG. This fellow is very charitable , would he had a purse too ! but , I must not be too bold , all at a time . COK. Nay , Numps , it is not my best purse . WAS. Not your best ! death ! why should it be your worst ? why should it be any , indeed , at all ? answer me to that , gi'mee a reason from you , why it should be any ? COK. Nor my gold , Numps ; I ha' that yet , looke heere else , Sister . WAS. Why so , there 's all the feeling he has ! OVER. I pray you , haue a better care of that , brother . COK. Nay , so I will , I warrant you ; let him catch this , that catch can . I would ●aine see him get this , looke you heere . WAS. So , so , so , so , so , so , so , so ! Very good . COK. I would ha' him come againe , now , and but offer at it . Sister , will you take notice of a good iest ? I will put it iust where th' other was , and if we ha' good lucke , you shall see a delicate fine trap to catch the cutpurse , nibling . EDG. Faith , and he 'll trye ere you be out o' the Fayre . COK. Come , Mistresse Grace , pre'thee be not melancholy for my mis-chance ; sorrow wi'not keepe it , Sweet heart . GRA. I doe not thinke on 't , Sir. COOK . 'T was but a little scuruy white money , hang it : it may hang the cutpurse , one day . I ha' gold left to gi'thee a fayring , yet , as hard as the world goes : nothing angers me , but that no body heere , look'd like a cutpurse , vnlesse 't were Numps . WAS How ? I ? I looke like a cutpurse ? death ! your Sister 's a cutpurse ! and your mother and father , and all your kinne were cutpurses ! And here is a Rogue is the baud o' the cutpurses , whom I will beat to begin with . COK. Numps , Numps . OVER. Good Mr Humphrey . WAS. You are the Patrico ! are you ? the Patriarch of the cutpurses ? you share , Sir , they say , let them share this with you . Are you i' your hot fit of preaching againe ? I 'le coole you . IVS. Murther , murther , murther . IVS. Hold thy hand , childe of wrath , and heyre of anger , They speake all together : and Waspe beats the Iustice. make it not Childermasse day in thy fury , or the feast of the French Bartholmew , Parent of the of the Massacre . ACT. III. SCENE . I. WHIT. HAGGISE . BRISTLE . LEATHER-HEAD . TRASH . NAy , tish all gone , now ! dish tish , phen tou vilt not be phitin call , Master Offisher , phat ish a man te better to lishen out noyshes for tee , & tou art in an oder 'orld , being very shuffishient noyshes and gallantsh too , one o' their brabblesh woud haue fed vsh all dish fortnight , but tou art so bushy about beggersh stil , tou hast no leshure to intend shentlemen , and 't be . HAG. Why , I told you , Dauy Bristle . BRI. Come , come , you told mee a pudding , Toby Haggise ; A matter of nothing ; I am sure it came to nothing ! you said , let 's goe ●o Vrsla's , indeede ; but then you met the man with the monsters , and I could not get you from him . An old foole , not leaue seeing yet ? HAG. Why , who would ha' thought any body would ha' quarrell'd so earely ? or that the ale o' the Fayre would ha' beene vp so soone . WHI. Phy ? phat a clocke toest tou tinke it ish , man ? HAG. I cannot tell . WHI ▪ Tou art a vishe vatchman , i'te meane teeme . HAG. Why ? should the watch goe by the clocke , or the clock by the watch , I pray ? BRI. One should goe by another , if they did well . WHI. Tou art right now ! phen didst tou euer know , or heare of a shuffishient vatchman , but he did tell the clocke , phat bushinesse soeuer he had ? BRI. Nay , that 's most true , a sufficient watchman knowes what a clocke it is . WHI. Shleeping , or vaking ! ash well as te clocke himshelfe , or te lack dat shtrikes him ! BRI. Let 's enquire of Master Leatherhead , or Ione Trash heere . Master Leatherhead , doe you heare , Master Leatherhead ? WHI. If it be a Ledderhead , tish a very tick Ledderhead , tat sho mush noish vill not peirsh him . LEA. I haue a little businesse now , good friends doe not trouble me . WHI. Phat ? because o'ty wrought neet cap , and ty pheluet sherkin , Man ? phy ? I haue sheene tee in ty Ledder sherkin , ere now , Mashter o'de hobby-Horses , as bushy and as stately as tou sheem'st to be ▪ TRA. Why , what an' you haue , Captaine Whit ? hee has his choyce of Ierkins , you may see by that , and his caps too , I assure you , when hee pleases to be either sicke , or imploy'd . LEA. God a mercy Ione , answer for me . WHI. Away , be not sheen i' my company , here be shentlemen , and men of vorship . ACT. III. SCENE . II. QVARLOVS . WHIT. WIN-VVIFE . BVSY. IOHN . PVRE-CRAFT . WIN. KNOK . HVM . MOON-CALFE . VRSLA. WEe had wonderfull ill lucke , to misse this prologue o' the purse , but the best is , we shall haue fiue Acts of him ere night : hee 'le be spectacle enough ! I 'le answer for 't . WHI. O Creesh ! Duke Quarlous , how dosht tou ? tou dosht not know me , I feare ? I am te vishesht man , but Iustish Ouerdoo , in all Bartholmew Fayre , now . Gi' me tweluepence from tee , I vill help tee to a vife vorth forty marks for 't , and 't be . QVAR. Away , Rogue , Pimpe away . WHI. And shee shall shew tee as fine cut o'rke fort 't in her shmock too , as tou cansht vishe i'faith ; vilt tou haue her , vorshipfull Vin vife ? I vill helpe tee to her , heere , be an 't be , in te pig-quarter ▪ gi'me ty twelpence from tee , WIN-W. Why , there 's twelpence , pray thee wilt thou be gone . WHI , Tou art a vorthy man , and a vorshipfull man still . QVAR. Get you gone , Rascall . WHI. I doe meane it , man. Prinsh Quarlous if tou has●t need on me , tou shalt finde me heere , at Vrsla's , I vill see phat ale , and punque ish i'te pigshty , for tee , blesse ty good vorship . QVAR. Looke ! who comes heere ! Iohn Little-wit ! WIN-W. And his wife , and my widdow , her mother : the whole family . QVAR. 'Slight , you must gi 'hem all fairings , now ! WIN-W. Not I , I 'le not see 'hem , QVAR. They are going a feasting . What Schole-master 's that ●s with ' hem ? WIN-W. That 's my Riuall , I beleeue , the Baker ! BVS. So , walke on in the middle way , fore-right , turne neyther to the right hand , nor to the left : let not your eyes be drawne aside with vanity , nor your eare with noyses . QVAR. O , I know him by that start ! LEA. What do you lack ? what do you buy , pretty Mistris ! a fine Hobby-Horse , to make your sonne a Tilter ? a Drum to make him a Souldier ? a Fiddle , to make him a Reueller ? What is 't you lack ? Little Dogs for your Daughters ! or Babies , male , or female ? BVS. Look not toward them , harken not : the place is Smithfield , or the field of Smiths , the Groue of Hobbi-horses and trinkets , the wares are the wares of diuels . And the whole Fayre is the shop of Satan ! They are hooks , and baites , very baites , that are hung out on euery side , to catch you , and to hold you as it were , by the gills ; and by the nostrills , as the Fisher doth : therefore , you must not looke , nor turne toward them — The Heathen man could stop his eares with wax , against the harlot o' the sea : Doe you the like , with your fingers against the bells of the Beast . WIN-W. What flashes comes from him ! QVAR. O , he has those of his ouen ! a notable hot Baker 't was , when hee ply'd the peele : hee is leading his flocke into the Fayre , now . WIN-W. Rather driuing 'hem to the Pens : for he will let 'hem looke vpon nothing . KNO. Gentlewomen , the weather 's hot ! whither walke you ? Haue a care o' your fine veluet caps , the Fayre is dusty . Take a sweet delicate Booth , Little-wit is gazing at the signe ; which is the Pigs-head with a large writing vnder it . with boughs , here , i the way , and coole your selues i' the shade : you and your friends . The best pig and bottle-ale i' the Fayre , Sir. Old Vrsla is Cooke , there you may read : the pigges head speakes it . Poore soule , shee has had a Sringhalt , the Maryhinchco : but shee 's prettily amended . WHI. A delicate show-pig , little Mistris , with shweet sauce , and crackling , like de bay-leafe I 'de fire , la ! Tou shalt ha' de cleane side o'de table-clot and di glass vash'd with phatersh of Dame Annessh Cleare . IOH. This 's sine , verily , here be the best pigs : and shee doe's roast 'hem as well as euer she did ; the Pigs head sayes . KNO. Excellent , excellent , Mistris , with fire o' Iuniper and Rosemary branches ! The Oracle of the Pigs head , that , Sir. PVR. Sonne , were you not warn'd of the vanity of the eye ? haue you forgot the wholesome admonition , so soone ? IOH. Good mother , how shall we finde a pigge , if we doe not looke about for 't ? will it run off o' the spit , into our mouths thinke you ? as in Lubberland ? and cry , we , we ? BVS. No , but your mother , religiously wise , conceiueth it may offer it selfe , by other meanes , to the sense , as by way of steeme which I thinke it doth , here in this place ( Huh , huh ) yes , it doth . and it were a sinne of obstinacy , Busy sents after it like a Hound . great obstinacy , high and horrible obstinacy , to decline , or resist the good titillation of the famelick sense , which is the smell . Therefore be bold ( huh , huh , huh ) follow the sent . Enter the Tents of the vncleane , for once , and satisfie your wiues frailty . Let your fraile wife be satisfied : your zealous mother , and my suffering selfe , will also be satisfied . IOH. Come , Win , as good winny here , as goe farther , and see nothing . BVS. Wee scape so much of the other vanities , by our earely entring . PVR. It is an aedifying consideration . WIN. This is scuruy , that wee must come into the Fayre , and not looke on 't . IOH. Win , haue patience , Win , I 'le tell you more anon . KNO. Moone-calfe , entertaine within there , the best pig i' the Booth ; a Porklike pig . These are Banbury-bloods , o' the sincere stud , come a pigge-hunting . Whit , wait Whit , looke to your charge . BVS. A pigge prepare , presently , let a pigge be prepared to vs. MOo. S'light , who be these ? VRS. Is this the good seruice , Iordan , you 'ld doe me ? KNO. Why , Vrs ? why , Vrs ? thou 'lt ha' vapours i' thy legge againe presently , pray thee go in , 't may turne to the scratches else . VRS. Hang your vapours , they are stale , and stinke like you , are these the guests o' the game , you promis'd to fill my pit withall , to day ? KNO. I● what aile they Vrs ? VRS. Aile they ? they are all sippers , sippers o' the City , they looke as they would not drinke off two penn'orth of bottle-ale amongst ' hem . MOO. A body may read that i' their small printed ruffes . KNO. Away , thou art a foole , Vrs , and thy Moone-calfe too , i' your ignorant vapours , now ? hence , good guests , I say right hypocrites , good gluttons . In , and set a couple o'pigs o' the board , and halfe a dozen of the biggest bottles afore 'hem , and call Whit , I doe not loue to heare Innocents abus'd : Fine ambling hypocrites ! and a stone-puritane , with a sorrell head , and beard , good mouth'd gluttons : two to a pigge , away . VRS. Are you sure they are such ? KNO. O' the right breed , thou shalt try 'hem by the teeth , Vrs , where 's this Whit ? WHI. Behold , man and see , what a worthy man am ee ! With the fury of my sword , and the shaking of my beard , I will make ten thousand men afeard . KNO. Well said , braue Whit , in , and feare the ale out o' the bottles , into the bellies of the brethren , and the sisters drinke to the cause , and pure vapours . QVAR. My Roarer is turn'd Tapster , mee thinks . Now were a fine time for thee , Win-wife , to lay aboard thy widdow , thou 'lt neuer be Master of a better season , or place ; shee that will venture her selfe into the Fayre , and a pig-boxe , will admit any assault , be assur'd of that . WIN. I loue not enterprises of that suddennesse , though . QVAR. I 'le warrant thee , then , no wife out o' the widdowes Hundred : if I had but as much Title to her , as to haue breath'd once on that streight stomacher of hers , I would now assure my selfe to carrry her , yet , ere shewent out of Smithfield . Or she should carry me , which were the fitter sight , I confesse . But you are a modest vndertaker , by circumstances , and degrees ; come , 't is Disease in thee , not Iudgement , I should offer at all together . Looke , here 's the poore foole , againe , that was stung by the waspe , ere while . ACT. III. SCENE . III. IVSTICE . WIN-WIFE . QVARLOVS . I will make no more orations , shall draw on these tragicall conclusions . And I begin now to thinke , that by a spice of collaterall Iustice , Adam Ouerdoo , deseru'd this beating ; for I the said Adam , was one cause ( a by-cause ) why the purse was lost : and my wiues brothers purse too , which they know not of yet . But I shall make very good mirth with it , at supper , ( that will be the sport ) and put my little friend , Mr Humphrey Wasp's choler quite out of countenance . When , sitting at the vpper end o' my Table , as I vse , & drinking to my brother Cokes , and Mrs . Alice Ouerdoo , as I wil , my wife , for their good affectiō to old Bradley , I deliuer to'hem , it was I , that was cudgell'd , and shew 'hem the marks . To see what bad euents may peepe out o' the taile of good purposes ! the care I had of that ciuil yong man , I tooke fancy to this morning , ( and haue not left it yet ) drew me to that exhortation , which drew the company , indeeede , which drew the ●ut-purse ; which drew the money ; which drew my brother Cokes his losse ; which drew on Wasp's anger ; which drew on my beating : a pretty gradation ! And they shall ha' it i' their dish , i'faith , at night for fruit : I loue to be merry at my Table . I had thought once , at one speciall blow he ga'me , to haue reuealed my selfe ? but then ( I thank thee fortitude ) I remembred that a wise man ( and who is euer so great a part , o' the Common-wealth in himselfe ) for no particular disaster ought to abandon a publike good designe . The husbandman ought not for one vnthankful yeer , to forsake the plough ; The Shepheard ought not , for one scabb'd sheep , to throw by his tar-boxe ; The Pilot ought not for one leake i' the poope , to quit the Helme ; Nor the Alderman ought not for one custerd more , at a meale , to giue vp his cloake ; The Constable ought not to breake his staffe , and forsweare the watch , for one roaring night ; Nor the Piper o' the Parish ( Vt paruis componere magna solebam ) to put vp his pipes , for one rainy Sunday . These are certaine knocking conclusions ; out of which , I am resolu'd , come what come can , come beating , come imprisonment , come infamy , come banishment , nay , come the rack , come the hurdle , ( welcome all ) I will not discouer who I am , till my due time ; and yet still , all shall be , as I said euer , in Iustice name , and the King 's , and for the Common-wealth . WIN. What doe's he talke to himselfe , and act so seriously ? poore foole ! QVAR. No matter what . Here 's fresher argument , intend that . ACT. III. SCENE . IIIJ. COKES . LEATHERHEAD . WASPE. Mistresse OVERDOO . WIN-VVIFE . QVARLOVS . TRASH . GRACE . COme , Mistresse Grace , come Sister , heere 's more fine sights , yet i'faith . God 's ' lid where 's Numps ? LEA. What doe you lacke , Gentlemen ? what is 't you buy ? fine Rattles ! Drummes ? Babies ? little Dogges ? and Birds for Ladies ? What doe you lacke ? COK. Good honest Numpes , keepe afore , I am so afraid thou 'lt lose somewhat : my heart was at my mouth , when I mist thee . WAS. You were best buy a whip i' your hand to driue me . COK. Nay , doe not mistake , Numps , thou art so apt to mistake : I would but watch the goods . Looke you now , the treble fiddle , was e'en almost like to be lost . WAS. Pray you take heede you lose not your selfe : your best way , were e'en get vp , and ride for more surety . Buy a tokens worth of great pinnes , to fasten your selfe to my shoulder . LEA. What doe you lacke , Gentlemen ? fine purses , pouches , pincases , pipes ? What is 't you lacke ? a paire o'smithes to wake you i' the morning ? or a fine whistling bird ? COK. Numps , here be finer things then any we ha' bought by oddes ! and more delicate horses , a great deale ! good Numpes , stay ▪ and come hither . WAS. Will you scourse with him ? you are in Smithfield , you may fit your selfe with a fine easy-going street-nag , for your saddle again ' Michaelmasse-terme , doe , has he ne'er a little odde cart for you , to make a Carroch on , i' the countrey , with foure pyed hobbyhorses ? why the meazills , should you stand heere , with your traine , cheaping of Dogges , Birds , and Babies ? you ha' no children to bestow 'hem on ? ha' you ? COK. No , but again ' I ha' children , Numps , that 's all one . WAS. Do , do , do , do ; how many shall you haue , think you ? an' I were as you , I 'ld buy for all my Tenants , too , they are a kind o'ciuill Sauages , that wil part with their children for rattles , pipes , and kniues . You were best buy a hatchet , or two , & truck with ' hem . COK. Good Numps , hold that little tongue o' thine , and saue it a labour . I am resolute Bat , thou know'st . WAS. A resolute foole , you are , I know , and a very sufficient Coxcombe ; with all my heart ; nay you haue it , Sir , and you be angry , turd i' your teeth , twice : ( if I said it not once afore ) and much good doe you . WIN. Was there euer such a selfe-affliction ? and so impertinent ? QVAR. Alas ! his care will goe neere to cracke him , let 's in , and comfort him . WAS. Would I had beene set i' the ground , all but the head on me , and had my braines bowl'd at , or thresh'd out , when first I vnderwent this plague of a charge ! QVAR. How now , Numps ! almost tir'd i' your Protectorship ? ouerparted ? ouerparted ? WAS. Why , I cannot tell , Sir , it may be I am , dos't grieue you ? QVAR. No , I sweare dos't not , Numps : to satisfie you . WAS. Numps ? S'blood , you are fine and familiar ! how long ha' wee bin acquainted , I pray you ? QVAR. I thinke it may be remembred , Numps , that ? 't was since morning sure . WAS. Why , I hope I know 't well enough , Sir , I did not aske to be told . QVAR. No ? why then ? WAS. It 's no matter why , you see with your eyes , now , what I said to you to day ? you 'll beleeue me another time ? QVAR. Are you remouing the Fayre , Numps ? WAS. A pretty question ! and a very ciuill one ! yes faith , I ha' my lading you see ; or shall haue anon , you may know whose beast I am , by my burthen . If the pannier-mans Iacke were euer better knowne by his loynes of mutton , I 'le be flead , and feede dogs for him , when his time comes . WIN. How melancholi ' Mistresse Grace is yonder ! pray thee let 's goe enter our selues in Grace , with her . COK , Those sixe horses , friend I 'le haue — WAS. How ! COK. And the three Iewes trumps ; and halfe a dozen o'Birds , and that Drum , ( I haue one Drumme already ) and your Smiths ; I like that deuice ▪ o' your smiths , very pretty well , and foure Halberts — and ( le'me see ) that fine painted great Lady , and her three women for state , I 'le haue . WAS. No , the shop ; buy the whole shop , it will be best , the shop , the shop ! LEA. If his worship please . WAS. Yes , and keepe it during the Fayre , Bobchin . COK. Peace , Numps , friend , doe not meddle with him , an' you be wise , and would shew your head aboue board : hee will sting thorow your wrought night-cap , beleeue me . A set of these Violines , I would buy too , for a delicate young noise I haue i' the countrey , that are euery one a size lesse then another , iust like your fiddles . I would faine haue a fine young Masque at my marriage , now I thinke on 't : but I doe want such a number o'things . And Numps will not helpe me now , and I dare not speake to him . TRA. Will your worship buy any ginger-bread , very good bread , comfortable bread ? COK. Ginger-bread ! yes , let 's see . WAS. There 's the tother sprindge ? He runnes to her shop . LEA. Is this well , goody Ione ? to interrupt my market ? in the midst ? and call away my customers ? can you answer this , at the Piepouldres ? TRA. Why ? if his Master-ship haue a minde to buy , I hope my ware lies as open as another's ; I may shew my ware , as well as you yours . COK. Hold your peace ; I 'le content you both : I 'le buy vp his shop , and thy basket . WAS. Will you i'faith ? LEA. Why should you put him from it , friend ? WAS. Cry you mercy ! you 'ld be sold too , would you ? what 's the price on you ? Ierkin , and all as you stand ? ha' you any qualities ? TRA. Yes , good-man angry-man , you shall finde he has qualities , if you cheapen him . WAS. Gods so , you ha' the selling of him ! what are they ? will they be bought for loue , or money ? TRA. No indeed , Sir. WAS. For what then ? victualls ? TRA. He scornes victuals , Sir , he has bread and butter at home , thanks be to God! and yet he will do more for a good meale , if the toy take him i' the belly , mary then they must not set him at lower end ; if they do , he 'll goe away , though he fast . But put him a top o' the Table , where his place is , and hee 'll doe you forty fiue things . Hee has not been sent for , and sought out for nothing , at your great citty-suppers , to put downe Coriat , and Cokeley , and bin laught at for his labour ; he 'll play you all the Puppets i' the towne ouer , and the Players , euery company , and his owne company too ; he spares no body ! COK. I'faith ? TRA. Hee was the first , Sir , that euer baited the fellow i' the beare's skin , an 't like your worship : no dog euer came neer him , since . And for fine motions ! COK. Is hee good at those too ? can hee set out a Masque trow ? TRA. O Lord , Master ! sought to farre , and neere , for his inuentions : and hee engrosses all , hee makes all the Puppets i' the Fayre . COK. Do'st thou ( in troth ) old veluet Ierkin ▪ giue mee thy hand . TRA. Nay , Sir , you shall see him in his veluet Ierkin , and a scarfe , too , at night , when you heare him interpret Master Littlewit's Motion . COK. Speake no more , but shut vp shop presently , friend . I 'le buy both it , and thee too , to carry downe with me , and he● hamper , beside . Thy shop shall furnish out the Masque , and hers the Banquet : I cannot goe lesse , to set out any thing with credit ▪ what 's the price , at a word , o' thy whole shop , case , and all as it stands ? LEA. Sir , it stands me in sixe and twenty shillings seuen pence , halfe-peny , besides three shillings for my ground . COK. Well , thirty shillings will doe all , then ! And what comes yours too ? TRA. Foure shillings , and eleauen pence , Sir , ground , and all , an 't like your worship . COK. Yes , it do's like my worship very well , poore woman , that 's fiue shillings more , what a Masque shall I furnish out , for forty shillings ? ( twenty pound scotsh ) and a Banquet of Ginger-bread ? there 's a stately thing ! Numps ? Sister ? and my wedding gloues too ? ( that I neuer thought on afore . ) All my wedding gloues , Ginger-bread ? O me ! what a deuice will there be ? to make 'hem eate their fingers ends ! and delicate Brooches for the Bride-men ! and all ! and then I 'le h● ' this poesie put to 'hem : For the best grace , meaning Mistresse Grace , my wedding poesie . GRA. I am beholden to you , Sir , and to your Bartholmew-wit . WAS. You doe not meane this , doe you ? is this your first purchase ? COK. Yes faith , and I doe not thinke , Numpes , but thou 'lt say , it was the wisest Act , that euer I did in my wardship . WAS. Like inough ! I shall say any thing . I ! ACT. III. SCENE . V. IVSTICE . EDGVVORTH . NIGHTINGALE . I Cannot beget a Proiect , with all my politicall braine , yet ; my Proiect is how to fetch off this proper young man , from his debaucht company : I haue followed him all the Fayre ouer , and still I finde him with this songster : And I begin shrewdly to suspect their familiarity ; and the young man of a terrible taint , Poetry ! with which idle disease , if he be infected , there 's no hope of him , in a state-course . Actum est , of him for a common-wealths-man : i● hee goe to 't in Rime , once . EDG. Yonder he is buying o'Ginger-bread : set in quickly , be●fore he part wirh too much on his money . NIG. My masters and friends , and good people , draw neere , &c. COK. Ballads ! harke , harke ! pray thee , fellow , stay a little , He runn's ●● the Ballad man. good Numpes , looke to the goods . What Ballads hast thou ? let me see , let me see my selfe . WAS. Why so ! hee 's flowne to another lime-bush , there he will flutter as long more ; till hee ha' ne'r a feather left . Is there a vexation like this , Gentlemen ? will you beleeue mee now , hereafter ? shall I haue credit with you ? QVAR. Yes faith , shalt thou , Numps , and thou art worthy on 't , for thou sweatest for 't . I neuer saw a young Pimpe errant , and his Squire better match'd . WIN-W. Faith , the sister comes after 'hem , well , too . GRA. Nay , if you saw the Iustice her husband , my Guardian , you were fitted for the Messe , hee is such a wise one his way — WIN-W. I wonder , wee see him not heere . GRA. O! hee is too serious for this place , and yet better sport then then the other three , I assure you , Gentlemen : where ere he is , though 't be o' the Bench. COK. How dost thou call it ! A caueat against cutpurses ! a good iest , i'faith , I would faine see that Daemon , your Cutpurse , you talke of , that delicate handed Diuell ; He show's his purse boastingly . they say he walkes hereabout ; I would see him walke , now . Looke you sister , here , here , let him come , sister , and welcome . Ballad-man , do's any cutpurses haunt hereabout ? pray thee raise me one or two ▪ beginne and shew me one . NIG. Sir , this is a spell against 'hem , spicke and span new ; and 't is made as 't were in mine owne person , and I sing it in mine owne defence . But 't will cost a penny alone , if you buy it . COK. No matter for the price , thou dost not know me , I see , I am an odd Bartholmew . OVE. Ha'st a fine picture , Brother ? COK. O Sister , doe you remember the ballads ouer the Nursery-chimney at home o' my owne pasting vp , there be braue pictures . Other manner of pictures , than these , friend . WAS. Yet these will serue to picke the pictures out o' your pockets , you shall see . COK. So , I heard 'hem say . Pray thee mind him not , fellow : hee 'll haue an oare in euery thing . NIG. It was intended Sir , as if a purse should chance to be cut in my presence , now , I may be blamelesse , though : as by the sequell , will more plainely appeare . COK. We shall find that i' the matter . Pray thee begin . NIG. To the tune of Paggingtons Pound , Sir. COK. Fa , la la la , la la la , fa la la la. Nay , I 'll put thee in tune , and all ! mine owne country dance ! Pray thee begin . NIG. It is a gentle admonition , you must know , Sir , both to the purse-cutter , and the purse-bearer . COK. Not a word more , out o' the tune , an' thou lou'st mee : Fa , la la la , la la la , fa la la la. Come , when ? NIG. My masters and friends , and good people draw neere , And looke to your purses , for that I doe say ; COK. Ha , ha , this chimes ! good counsell at first dash . NIG. And though little money , in them you doe beare . It cost more to get , then to lose in a day . COK. Good ! You oft haue beene told , Both the young and the old ; And bidden beware of the cutpurse so bold : COK. Well said ! hee were to blame that wold not i'faith . Then if you take heed not , free me from the curse , Who both giue you warning , for and , the cutpurse . Youth , youth , thou hadst better bin staru'd by thy Nurse , Then liue to be hanged for cutting a purse . COK. Good i'faith , how say you , Numps ? Is there any harme i'th is ? NIG. It hath bin vpbrayded to men of my trade , That oftē times we are the cause of this crime . COK. The more coxcōbes they that did it , I wusse . Alacke and for pitty , why should it be said ? As if they regarded or places , or time . Examples haue been Of some that were seen , In Westminster Hall , yea the pleaders between , Then why should the Iudges be free from this curse , More then my poore selfe , for cutting the purse ? COK. God a mercy for that ! why should they be more free indeede ? Youth , youth , thou hadst better bin staru'd by the Nurse , Then liue to be hanged for cutting a purse . COK. That againe , good Ballad-man , that againe . O rare ! I would faine rubbe mine elbow now , but I dare not pull out my hand . On , I pray thee , hee that made this ballad , shall be Poet to my Masque . He sings the burden with him . NIG. At Worc'ter 't is knowne well , and euen i' the Iayle , A Knight of good worship did there shew his face , Against the foule sinners , in zeale for to rayle , And lost ( ipso facto ) his purse in the place . COK. Is it possible ? Nay , once from the Seat Of Iudgement so great , A Iudge there did lose a faire pouch of veluete . COK. I'faith ? O Lord for thy mercy , how wicked or worse , Are those that so venture their necks for a purse ! Youth , youth , &c. COK. Youth , youth , & c ? pray thee stay a little , friend , yet o' thy conscience , Numps , speake , is there any harme i'th is ? WAS. To tell you true , 't is too good for you , lesse you had grace to follow it . IVS. It doth discouer enormitie , I 'le marke it more : I ha'not lik'd a paltry piece of poetry , so well a good while . COK. Youth , youth , & c ! where 's this youth , now ? A man must call vpon him , for his owne good , and yet hee will not appeare : looke here , here 's for him , handy-dandy , Hee shewes his purse . which hand will he haue ? On , I pray there , with the rest , I doe heare of him , but I cannot see him , this Master Youth , the cutpurse . NIG. At Playes and at Sermons , and at the Sessions , 'T is daily their practice such booty to make : Yea , vnder the Gallowes , at Executions , They sticke not the Stare-abouts purses to take . Nay one without-grace , at a better place , COK. That was a fine fellow ! I would haue him , now . At Court , & in Christmas , before the Kings face , Alacke then for pitty must I beare the curse , That onely belongs to the cunning cutpurse ? COK. But where 's their cunning , now , when they should vse it ? they are all chain'd now , I warrant you . Youth , youth , thou hadst better , &c. The Rat-catchers charme , are all fooles and Asses to this ! A poxe on 'hem , that they will not come ! that a man should haue such a desire to a thing , and want it . QVAR. 'Fore God , I 'ld giue halfe the Fayre , and 't were mine , for a cutpurse for him , to saue his longing . COK. Looke you Sister , heere , heere , where is 't now ? Hee shewes his purse againe . which pocket is 't in ? for a wager ? WAS. I beseech you leaue your wagers , and let him end his matter , an 't may be . COK. O , are you aedified Numps ? IVS. Indeed hee do's interrupt him , too much : There Numps spoke to purpose . COK. againe . Sister , I am an Asse , I cannot keepe my purse : on , on ; I pray thee , friend . NIG. But O , you vile nation of cutpurses all , Relent and repent , and amend and be sound , Edgworth gets vp to him , and tickles him in the care with a straw twice to draw his hand out of his pocket . And know that you ought not , by honest mens fall , Aduance your owne fortunes , to die aboue ground , And though you goe gay , In silkes as you may , It is not the high way to heauen , ( as they say ) Repent then , repent you , for better , for worse : And kisse not the Gallowes for cutting a purse . Youth , youth , thou hadst better bin steru'd by thy Nurse , Then liue to be hanged for cutting a purse . WINW. Will you see sport ? looke , there 's a fellow gathers vp to him , marke . QVA. Good , ' i faith● ô he has lighted on the wrōg pocket . WINW. He has it , 'fore God hee is a braue fellow ; pitty hee should be detected . ALL An excellent ballad ! an excellent ballad ! EDG. Friend , let mee ha' the first , let mee ha' the first , I pray you . COK. Pardon mee , Sir. First come , first seru'd ; and I 'le buy the whole bundle too . WIN. That conueyance was better then all , did you see 't ? he has giuen the purse to the ballad-singer . QVAR. Has hee ? EDG. Sir , I cry you mercy ; I 'le not hinder the poore mans profit : pray you mistake me not . COK. Sir , I take you for an honest Gentleman ; if that be mistaking , I met you to day afore : ha ! humh ! O God! my purse is gone , my purse , my purse , &c. WAS. Come , doe not make a stirre , and cry your selfe an Asse , thorow the Fayre afore your time . COK. Why , hast thou it , Numpes ? good Numpes , how came you by it ? I mar'le ! WAS. I pray you seeke some other gamster , to play the foole with : you may lose it time enough , for all your Fayre-wit . COK. By this good hand , gloue and all , I ha' lost it already , if thou hast it not : feele else , and Mistris Grace's handkercher , too , out o' the tother pocket . WAS. Why , 't is well ; very well , exceeding pretty , and well . EDG. Are you sure you ha' lost it , Sir ? COK. O God! yes ; as I am an honest man , I had it but e'en now , at youth , youth . NIG. I hope you suspect not me , Sir. EDG. Thee ? that were a iest indeede ! Dost thou thinke the Gentleman is foolish ? where hadst thou hands , I pray thee ? Away Asse , away . IVS. I shall be beaten againe , if I be spi'd . EDG. Sir , I suspect an odde fellow , yonder , is stealing away . OVE. Brother , it is the preaching fellow ! you shall suspect him . He was at your tother purse , you know ! Nay , stay , Sir , and view the worke you ha' done , an'you be benefie'd at the Gallowes , and preach there , thanke your owne handy-worke . COK. Sir , you shall take no pride in your preferment : you shall be silenc'd quickly . IVS. What doe you meane ? sweet buds of gentility . COK. To ha' my peneworths out on you : Bud. No lesse then two purses a day , serue you ? I thought you a simple fellow , when my man Numpes beate you , i' the morning , and pittied you — OVE. So did I , I 'll besworne , brother ; but now I see hee is a lewd , and pernicious Enormity : ( as Master Ouerdoo calls him . ) IVS. Mine owne words turn'd vpon mee , like swords . COK. Cannot a man's purse be at quiet for you , i' the Masters pocket , but you must intice it forth , and debauch it ? WAS. Sir , Sir , keepe your debauch , and your fine Bartholmew-termes to your selfe ; and make as much on 'hem as you please . But gi'me this from you , i' the meane time : I beseech you , see if I can looke to this . Wasp takes the Licence from him . COK. Why , Numps ? WAS. Why ? because you are an Asse , Sir , there 's a reason the shortest way , and you will needs ha' it ; now you ha' got the tricke of losing , you 'ld lose your breech , an 't 't were loose . I know you , Sir , come , deliuer , you 'll goe and cracke the vermine , you breed now , will you ? 't is very fine , will you ha' the truth on 't ? they are such retchlesse flies as you are , that blow cutpurses abroad in euery corner ; your foolish hauing of money , makes ' hem . An' there were no wiser then I , Sir , the trade should lye open for you , Sir , it should i'faith , Sir. I would teach your wit to come to your head , Sir , as well as your land to come into your hand , I assure you , Sir. WIN. Alacke , good Numps . WAS. Nay , Gentlemen , neuer pitty mee , I am not worth it : Lord send me at home once , to Harrow o' the Hill againe , if I trauell any more , call me Coriat ; withall my heart . QVAR. Stay , Sir , I must haue a word with you in priuate . Doe you heare ? EDG. With me , Sir ? what 's your pleasure ? good Sir. QVAR. Doe not deny it . You are a cutpurse , Sir , this Gentleman here , and I , saw you , nor doe we meane to detect you ( though we can sufficiently informe our selues , toward the danger of concealing you ) but you must doe vs a piece of seruice . EDG. Good Gentlemen , doe not vndoe me ; I am a ciuill young man , and but a beginner , indeed . QVAR. Sir , your beginning shall bring on your ending , for vs. We are no Catchpoles nor Constables . That you are to vndertake , is this ; you saw the old fellow , with the bl●cke boxe , here ? EDG. The little old Gouernour , Sir ? QVAR. That same : I see , you haue flowne him to a marke already . I would ha'you get away that boxe from him , and bring it vs. EDG. Would you ha' the boxe and all , Sir ? or onely that , that is in 't ? I 'le get you that , and leaue him the boxe , to play with still : ( which will be the harder o' the two ) because I would gaine your worships good opinion of me . WIN-W. He sayes well , 't is the greater Mastry , and 't will make the more sport when 't is mist. EDG. I , and 't will be the longer a missing , to draw on the sport . QVAR. But looke you doe it now , sirrah , and keepe your word : or — EDG. Sir , if euer I breake my word , with a Gentleman , may I neuer read word at my need . Where shall I find you ? QVAR. Some-where i'the Fayre , heereabouts . Dispatch it quickly . I would faine see the carefull foole deluded ! of all Beasts , I loue the serious Asse . He that takes paines to be one , and playes the foole , with the greatest diligence that can be . GRA. Then you would not chose , Sir , but loue my Guardian , Iustice Ouerdo● , who is answerable to that description , in euery haire of him . QVAR. So I haue heard . But how came you , Mistis Welborne , to be his Ward ? or haue relation to him , at first ? GRA. Faith , through a common calamity , he bought me , Sir ; and now he will marry me to his wiues brother , this wise Gentleman , that you see , or else I must pay value o' my land QVAR. S'lid , is there no deuice of disparagement ? or so ? talke with some crafty fellow , some picklocke o' the Law ! Would I had studied a yeere longer i' the Innes of Court , and 't had beene but i' your case . WIN-W. I Master Quarlous , are you proffering ? GRA. You 'ld bring but little ayde , Sir. WIN-W. ( I 'le looke to you 'ifaith , Gamster . ) An vnfortunate foolish Tribe you are falne into , Lady , I wonder you can endure ' hem . GRA. Sir , they that cannot worke their fetters off ; must weare ' hem . WINW. You see what care they haue on you , to leaue you thus . GRA. Faith the same they haue of themselues , Sir. I cannot greatly complaine , if this were all the plea I had against ' hem . WIN. 'T is true ! but will you please to withdraw with vs , a little , and make them thinke , they haue lost you . I hope our manners ha' beene such hitherto , and our language , as will giue you no cause , to doubt your selfe , in our company . GRA. Sir , I will giue my selfe , no cause ; I am so secure of mine owne manners , as I suspect not yours . QVAR. Looke where Iohn Little-wit comes . WIN-W. Away , I 'le not be seene , by him . QVAR. No , you were not best , hee 'ld tell his mother , the widdow . WIN W. Heatt , what doe you meane ? QVAR. Cry you mercy , is the winde there ? must not the widdow be nam'd ? ACT. III SCENE . VI. IOHN . WIN. TRASH . LEATHERHEAD . KNOCKHVM . BVSY. PVRE CRAFT . DOe you heare Win , Win ? WIN. What say you , Iohn ? IOH. While they are paying the reckoning , Win , I 'll tell you a thing Win , wee shall neuer see any sights i' the Fayre , Win , except you long still , Win , good Win , sweet Win , long to see some Hobby-horses , and some Drummes , and Rattles , and Dogs , and fine deuices , Win. The Bull with the fiue legs , Win ; and the great Hog : now you ha' begun with Pigge , you may long for any thing , Win , and so for my Motion , Win. WIN. But we sha'not eat o' the Bull , and the Hogge , Iohn , how shall I long then ? IOH. O yes ! Win : you may long to see , as well as to taste , Win : how did the Pothecarie's wife , Win , that long'd to see the Anatomy , Win ? or the Lady , Win , that desir'd to spit i' the great Lawyers mouth , after an eloquent pleading ? I assure you they long'd , VVin , good Win , goe in , and long . TRA. I think we are rid of our new customer , brother Leather-head , wee shall heare no more of him . They plot to be gone . LEA. All the better , let 's packe vp all , and be gone , before he finde vs TRA. Stay a little , yonder comes a company : it may be wee may take some more money . KNO , Sir , I will take your counsell , and cut my haire , and leaue vapours : I see , that Tabacco , and Bottle-Ale , and Pig , and Whit , and very Vrsla , her selfe , is all vanity . BVS. Onely Pigge was not comprehended in my admonition , the rest were . For long haire , it is an Ensigne of pride , a banner , and the world is full of those banners , very full of Banners . And , bottle-ale is a drinke of Sathan's , a diet-drinke of Sathans , deuised to puffe vs vp , and make vs swell in this latter age of vanity , as the smoake of tabacco , to keepe vs in mist and error : But the fleshly woman , ( which you call Vrsla ) is aboue all to be auoyded , hauing the marks vpon her , of the three enemies of Man , the World , as being in the Faire ; the Deuill , as being in the fire ; and and the Flesh , as being her selfe . PVR. Brother Zeale-of-the land ! what shall we doe ? my daughter Win-the-fight , is falne into her fit of longing againe . BVS. For more pig ? there is no more , is there ? PVR. To see some sights , i' the Faire . BVS. Sister , let her fly the impurity of the place , swiftly , lest shee partake of the pitch thereof . Thou art the seate of the Beast , O Smithfield , and I will leaue thee . Idolatry peepeth out on euery side of thee . KNO. An excellent right Hypocrite ! now his belly is full , he falls a railing and kicking , the Iade . A very good vapour ! I 'll in , and ioy Vrsla , with telling , how her pigge works , two and a halfe he eate to his share . And he has drunke a pailefull . He eates with his eyes , as well as his teeth . LEA. What doe you lack , Gentlemen ? What is 't you buy ? Rattles , Drumms , Babies . — BVS. Peace , with thy Apocryphall wares , thou prophane Publican : thy Bells , thy Dragons , and thy Tobie's Dogges . Thy Hobby-horse is an Idoll , a very Idoll , a feirce and rancke Idoll : And thou , the Nabuchadnezzar , the proud Nabuchadnezzar of the Faire , that set'st it vp , for children to fall downe to , and worship . LEA. Cry you mercy , Sir , will you buy a fiddle to fill vp your noise . IOH. Looke Win. doe , looke a Gods name , and saue your longing . Here be fine sights . PVR. I child , so you hate 'hem , as our Brother Zeale do's , you may looke on ' hem . LEA. Or what do you say , to a Drumme . Sir ? BVS. It is the broken belly of the Beast , and thy Bellowes there are his lungs , and these Pipes are his throate , those Feathers are of his taile , and thy Rattles , the gnashing of his teeth . TRA. And what 's my ginger-bread ? I pray you . BVS. The prouander that pricks him vp . Hence with thy basket of Popery , thy nest of Images : and whole legend of ginger-worke . LEA. Sir if you be not quiet , the quicklier , I 'll ha'you clapp'd fairely by the heeles , for disturbing the Faire . BVS. The sinne of the Faire prouokes me , I cannot bee silent . PVR. Good brother Zeale ! LEA. Sir , I 'll make you silent , beleeue it . IOH. I l'd giue a shilling , you could i'faith , friend . LEA. Sir , giue me your shilling , I 'll giue you my shop , if I do not , and I 'll leaue it in pawne with you , i' the meane time . IOH. A match i'faith , but do it quickly , then . BVS. Hinder me not , woman . I was mou'd in spirit , He speakes to the widdow . to bee here , this day , in this Faire , this wicked , and foule Faire ; and fitter may it be a called a foule , then a Faire : To protest against the abuses of it , the foule abuses of it , in regard of the afflicted Saints , that are troubled , very much troubled , exceedingly troubled , with the opening of the merchandize of Babylon againe , & the peeping of Popery vpon the stals , here , here , in the high places . See you not Goldylocks , the purple strumpet , there ? in her yellow gowne , and greene sleeues ? the prophane pipes , the tinckling timbrells ? A shop of reliques ! IOH. Pray you forbeare , I am put in trust with ' hem . BVS. And this Idolatrous Groue of Images , this flasket of Idols ! Ouerthrows the ginger-bread . which I will pull downe — ( TRA. O my ware , my ware , God blesse it . ) BVS. In my zeale , and glory to be thus exercis'd . LEA. Here he is , pray you lay hold on his zeale , wee cannot sell a whistle , for him , in tune . Stop his noyse , first ! BVS. Thou canst not : 't is a sanctified noise . Leather-head enters with officers I will make a loud and most strong noise , till I haue daunted the prophane enemy . And for this cause . — LEA. Sir , heer 's no man afraid of you , or your cause . You shall sweare it , i' the stocks , Sir. BVS. I will thrust my selfe into the stocks , vpon the pikes of the Land. LEA. Carry him away . PVR. What doe you meane , wicked men ? BVS. Let them alone ; I feare them not . IOH. Was not this shilling well ventur'd , Win ? for our liberty ? Now we may goe play , and see ouer the Fayre , where we list our selues ; my mother is gone after him , and let her ee'n go , and loose vs. WIN. Yes Iohn , but I know not what to doe . IOH. For what , Win ? WIN. For a thing , I am asham'd to tell you , i'faith , and 't is too farre to go home . IOH. I pray thee bee not asham'd , VVin. Come , i'faith thou shall not be asham'd , is it any thing about the Hobby-horse-man ? an 't be , speake freely . WIN. Hang him , base Bobchin , I scorne him ; no , I haue very great , what sha' call 'um , Iohn . IOH. ô ! Is that all , Win ? wee 'll goe backe to Captaine Iordan ; to the pig-womans , Win. hee 'll helpe vs , or she with a dripping pan , or an old kettle , or something . The poore greasie soule loues you , Win , and after we 'll visit the Fayre all ouer , Win , and , see my Puppet play , Win , you know it 's a fine matter , Win. LEA. Let 's away , I counsell'd you to packe vp afore , Ione . TRA. A poxe of his Bedlem purity . Hee has spoyl'd halfe my ware : but the best is , wee lose nothing , if wee misse our first Merchant . LEA. It shall be hard for him to finde , or know vs , when we are translated , Ione . ACT. IIII. SCENE . I. TROVBLE-ALL . BRISTLE . HAGGISE , COKES . IVSTICE . POCHER , BVSY. PVRECRAFT . MY Masters , I doe make no doubt , but you are officers . BRI. What then , Sir ? TRO. And the Kings louing , and obedient subiects . BRI. Obedient , friend ? take heede what you speake , I aduise you : Oliuer Bristle aduises you . His louing subiects , we grant you : but not his obedient , at this time , by your leaue , wee know our selues , a little better then so , wee are to command , Sr. and such as you are to be obedient . Here 's one of his obedient subiects , going to the stocks , and wee 'll make you such another , if you talke . TRO. You are all wise enough i' your places , I know . BRI. If you know it , Sir , why doe you bring it in question ? TRO. I question nothing , pardon me . I do only hope you haue warrant , for what you doe , and so , quit you , and so , multiply you . HAG. He goes away againe . What 's hee ? bring him vp to the stocks there . Why bring you him not vp ? TRO. If you haue Iustice Ouerdoo's warrant , 't is well : comes again . you are safe ; that is the warrant of warrants . I 'le not giue this button , for any mans warrant else . BRI. Like enough , Sir , but let me tell you , an' you play away your buttons , thus , you will want 'hem ere night , goes away . for any store I see about you : you might keepe 'hem , and saue pinnes , I wusse . IVS. What should hee be , that doth so esteeme , and aduance my warrant ? he seemes a sober and discreet person ! it is a comfort to a good conscience , to be follow'd with a good fame , in his sufferings . The world will haue a pretty tast by this , how I can beare aduersity : and it will beget a kind of reuerence , toward me , hereafter , euen from mine enemies , when they shall see I carry my calamity nobly , and that it doth neither breake mee , nor bend mee . HAG. Come , Sir , heere 's a place for you to preach in . They put him in the stocks . Will you put in your legge ? IVS. That I will , cheerefully . BRI. O' my conscience a Seminary ! hee kisses the stockes . COK. Well my Masters , I 'le leaue him with you ; now I see him bestow'd , I 'le goe looke for my goods , and Numps . HAG. You may , Sir , I warrant you ; where 's the tother Bawler ? fetch him too , you shall find 'hem both fast enough . IVS. In the mid'st of this tumult , I will yet be the Author of mine owne rest , and not minding their fury , sit in the stockes , in that calme , as shall be able to trouble a Triumph . TRO. Doe you assure me vpon your words ? comes again , may I vndertake for you , if I be ask'd the question ; that you haue this warrant ? HAG. What 's this fellow , for Gods sake ? TRO. Doe but shew me Adam Ouerdoo , and I am satisfied ▪ goes out . BRI. Hee is a fellow that is distracted , they say ; one Trouble-all ▪ hee was an officer in the Court of Pie-poulders , here last yeere , and put out on his place by Iustice Ouerdoo . IVS. Ha! BRI. Vpon which , he tooke an idle conceipt , and 's runne mad vpon 't . So that euer since , hee will doe nothing , but by Iustice Ouerdoo's warrant , he will not eate a crust , nor drinke a little , nor make him in his apparell , ready . His wife , Sirreuerence , cannot get him make his water , or shift his shirt , without his warrant . IVS. If this be true , this is my greatest disaster ! how am I bound to satisfie this poore man , that is of so good a nature to mee , out of his wits ! where there is no roome left for dissembling . comes in . TRO. If you cannot shew me Adam Ouerdoo , I am in doubt of you : I am afraid you cannot answere it . HAG. Before me , goes againe . Neighbour Bristle ( and now I thinke on 't better ) Iustice Ouerdoo , is a very parantory person . BRI. O! are you aduis'd of that ? and a seuere Iusticer , by your leaue . IVS. Doe I heare ill o'th at side , too ? BRI. He will sit as vpright o' the bench , an' you marke him , as a candle i' the socket , and giue light to the whole Court in euery businesse . HAG. But he will burne blew , and swell like a bile ( God blesse vs ) an' he be angry . BRI. . I , and hee will be angry too , when his list , that 's more : and when hee is angry , be it right or wrong ; hee has the Law on 's side , euer . I marke that too . IVS. I will be more tender hereafter . I see compassion may become a Iustice , though it be a weaknesse , I confesse ; and neerer a vice , then a vertue . HAG. They take the Iustice out . Well , take him out o' the stocks againe , wee 'll goe a sure way to worke , wee 'll ha' the Ace of hearts of our side , if we can . POC. Come , bring him away to his fellow , there . Master Busy , we shall rule your legges , I hope , though wee cannot rule your tongue . BVS. No , Minister of darkenesse , no , thou canst not rule my tongue , my tongue it is mine own ; and with it I will both kn●●ke● and mocke downe your Bartholmew abhominat●●ns , till you 〈◊〉 made a hissing to the neighbour Parishes , round about . HAG. Let him alone , we haue deuis'd better vpon 't . PVR. And shall he not into the stocks then ? BRI. No , Mistresse , wee 'll haue 'hem both to Iustice Ouerdoo , and let him doe ouer 'hem as is fitting . Then I , and my gossip Haggis , and my beadle Pocher are discharg'd . PVR. O , I thanke you , blessed , honest men ! BRI. Nay , neuer thank vs , but thank this mad-man that comes heere , hee put it in our heads . PVR. Is hee mad ? Now heauen increase his madnesse , and blesse it , Comes againe . and thanke it , Sir , your poore hand-maide thanks you . TRO. Haue you a warrant ? an' you haue a warrant , shew it . PVR. Yes , I haue a warrant out of the word , to giue thankes for remouing any scorne intended to the brethren . TRO. It is Iustice Ouerdoo's warrant , that I looke for , if you haue not that , keepe your word , I 'le keepe mine . Quit yee , and multiply yee . ACT. IIII. SCENE . II. EDGVVORTH . TROVBLE-ALL . NIGHTINGALE . COKES . COSTARDMONGER . COme away Nightingale , I pray thee . TRO. Whither goe you ? where 's your warrant ? EDG. Warrant , for what , Sir ? TRO. For what you goe about , you know how fit it is , an' you haue no warrant , blesse you , I 'le pray for you , Goes out . that 's all I can doe . EDG. What meanes hee ? NIG. A mad-man that haunts the Fayre , doe you not know him ? it's maruell hee has not more followers , after his ragged heeles . EDG. Beshrew him , he startled me : I thought he had knowne of our plot . Guilt 's a terrible thing ! ha' you prepar'd the Costard-monger ? NIG. Yes , and agreed for his basket of peares ; hee is at the corner here , ready . And your Prise , he comes downe , sailing , that way , all alone ; without his Protector : hee is rid of him , it seemes . EDG. I , I know ; I should ha' follow'd his Protector-ship for a feat I am to doe vpon him : But this offer'd it selfe , so i' the way , I could not let it scape : heere he comes , whistle , Nightingale whistles be this sport call'd Dorring the Dottrell . NIG. Wh , wh , wh , wh , &c. COK. By this light , I cannot finde my ginger-bread-Wife , nor my Hobby-horse-man in all the Fayre , now ; to ha' my money againe . And I do not know the way out on 't , to go home for more , doe you heare , friend , you that whistle ; what tune is that , you whistle ? NIG. A new tune , I am practising , Sir. COK. Dost thou know where I dwell , I pray thee ? nay , on with thy tune , I ha' no such hast , for an answer : I 'le practise with thee . Nightingale sets his foote afore him , and he falls with his basket . COS. Buy any peares , very fine peares , peares fine . COK. Gods so ! a musse , a musse , a musse , a musse . COS. Good Gentleman , my ware , my ware , I am a poore man. Good Sir , my ware . NIG. Cokes falls a scrambling whilest they runne away with his things . Let me hold your sword , Sir , it troubles you . COK. Doe , and my cloake , an'thou wilt ; and my hat , too . EDG. A delicate great boy ! me thinks , he out-scrambles 'hem all . I cannot perswade my selfe , but he goes to grammer-schole yet ; and playes the trewant , to day . NIG. Would he had another purse to cut , Zekiel . EDG. Purse ? a man might cut out his kidneys , I thinke ; and he neuer feele 'hem , he is so earnest at the sport . NIG. His soule is halfe way out on 's body , at the game . EDG. Away , Nightingale : that way . COK. I thinke I am furnish'd for Catherne peares , for one vnder-meale : gi'me my cloake . COS. Good Gentleman , giue me my ware . COK. Where 's the fellow , I ga' my cloake to ? my cloake ? and my hat ? He runs out . ha ! Gods'lid , is he gone ? thieues , thieues , helpe me to cry , Gentlemen . EDG. Away , Costermonger , come to vs to Vrsla's . Talke of him to haue a soule ? ' heart , if hee haue any more then a thing giuen him in stead of salt , onely to keepe him from stinking , I 'le be hang'd afore my time , presently , where should it be trow ? in his blood ; hee has not so much to'ard it in his whole body , as will maintaine a good Flea ; And if hee take this course , he will not ha' so much land left , as to reare a Calfe within this twelue month . Was there euer greene Plouer so pull'd ! That his little Ouerseer had beene heere now , and beene but tall enough , to see him steale peares , in exchange , for his beauer-hat , and his cloake thus ? I must goe finde him out , next , for his blacke boxe , and his Patent ( it seemes ) hee has of his place ; which I thinke the Gentleman would haue a reuersion of ; that spoke to me for it so earnestly . COK. He comes againe . Would I might lose my doublet , and hose , too ; as I am an honest man , and neuer stirre , if I thinke there be any thing , but thieuing , and cooz'ning , i'th is whole Fayre ▪ Bartholmew-fayre , quoth he ; an' euer any Bartholmew had that lucke in 't , that I haue had , I 'le be martyr'd for him , throws away his peares . and in Smithfield , too . I ha' paid for my peares , a rot on 'hem , I 'le keepe 'hem no longer ; you were choake-peares to mee ; I had bin better ha' gone to mum chance for you , I wusse . Me thinks the Fayre should not haue vs'd me thus , and 't were but for my names sake , I would not ha' vs'd a dog o' the name , so . O , Numps will triumph , now ! Friend , doe you know who I am ? or where I lye ? I doe not my selfe , I 'll besworne . Doe but carry me home , and I 'le please thee , I ha' money enough there , I ha' lost my selfe , and my cloake and my hat ; and my fine sword , and my sister , and Numps , and Mistris Grace , ( a Gentlewoman that I should ha' marryed ) and a cut-worke handkercher , shee ga' mee , and two purses to day . And my bargaine o'Hobby-horses and Ginger-bread , which grieues me worst of all . TRO. Trouble-all comes again . By whose warrant , Sir , haue you done all this ? COK. Warrant ? thou art a wise fellow , indeed , as if a man need a warrant to lose any thing , with . TRO. Yes , Iustice Ouerdo's warrant , a man may get , and lose with , I 'le stand to 't . COK. Iustice Ouerdoo ? Dost thou know him ? I lye there , hee is my brother in Law , hee marryed my sister : pray thee shew me the way , dost thou know the house ? TRO. Sir , shew mee your warrant , I know nothing without a warrant , pardon me . COK. Why , I warrant thee , come along : thou shalt see , I haue wrought pillowes there , and cambricke sheetes , and sweete bags , too . Pray thee guide me to the house . TRO. Sir , I 'le tell you ; goe you thither your selfe , first , alone ; tell your worshipfull brother your minde : and but bring me three lines of his hand , or his Clerkes , with Adam Ouerdoo , vnderneath ; here I 'le stay you , I le obey you , and I 'le guide you presently . COK. S'lid , this is an Asse , I ha' found him , poxe vpon mee , what doe I talking to such a dull foole ; farewell , you are a very Coxcomb , doe you heare ? TRO. I thinke , I am , if Iustice Ouerdoo signe to it , I am , and so wee are all , hee 'll quit vs all , multiply vs all . ACT. IIII. SCENE . IIJ. GRACE . QVARLOVS . WIN-WIFE . They enter with their swords drawne . TROVBLE-ALL . EDGVVORTH . GEntlemen , this is no way that you take : you do but breed one another trouble , and offence , and giue me no contentment at all . I am no she , that affects to be quarell'd for , or haue my name or fortune made the question of mens swords . QVA. S'lood , wee loue you . GRA. If you both loue mee , as you pretend , your owne reason will tell you , but one can enioy me ; and to that point , there leads a directer line , then by my infamy , which must follow , if you fight . 'T is true , I haue profest it to you ingenuously , that rather then to be yoak'd with this Bridegroome is appointed me , I would take vp any husband , almost vpon any trust . Though Subtilty would say to me , ( I know ) hee is a foole , and has an estate , and I might gouerne him , and enioy a friend , beside . But these are not my aymes , I must haue a husband I must loue , or I cannot liue with him . I shall ill make one of these politique wiues ! WIN-W. Why , if you can like either of vs , Lady , say , which is he , and the other shall sweare instantly to desist . QVA. Content , I accord to that willingly . GRA. Sure you thinke me a woman of an extreme leuity , Gentlemen , or a strange fancy , that ( meeting you by chance in such a place , as this , both at one instant , and not yet of two hours acquaintance , neither of you deseruing afore the other , of me ) I should so forsake my modesty ( though I might affect one more particularly ) as to say , This is he , and name him . QVA. Why , wherefore should you not ? What should hinder you ? GRA. If you would not giue it to my modesty , allow it yet to my wit ; giue me so much of woman , and cunning , as not to betray my selfe impertinently . How can I iudge of you , so farre as to a choyse , without knowing you more ? you are both equall , and alike to mee , yet : and so indifferently affected by mee , as each of you might be the man , if the other were away . For you are reasonable creatures , you haue vnderstanding , and discourse . And if fate send me an vnderstanding husband , I haue no feare at all , but mine owne manners shall make him a good one . QVAR. Would I were put forth to making for you , then . GRA. It may be you are , you know not what 's toward you : will you consent to a motion of mine , Gentlemen ? WINW. What euer it be , we 'll presume reasonablenesse , comming from you . QVAR. And fitnesse , too . GRA. I saw one of you buy a paire of tables , e'en now . WIN-W. Yes , heere they be , and maiden ones too , vnwritten in . GRA. The fitter for what they may be imployed in . You shall write either of you , heere , a word , or a name , what you like best ; but of two , or three syllables at most : and the next person that comes this way ( because Destiny has a high hand in businesse of this nature ) I 'le demand , which of the two words , he , or she doth approue ; and according to that sentence , fixe my resolution , and affection , without change . QVAR. Agreed , my word is conceiued already . WIN-W. And mine shall not be long creating after . GRA. But you shall promise , Gentlemen , not to be curious to know , which of you it is , taken ; but giue me leaue to conceale that till you haue brought me , either home , or where I may safely tender my selfe . WIN-W Why that 's but equall . QVAR. Wee are pleas'd . GRA. Because I will bind both your indeauours to work together , friendly , and ioyntly , each to the others fortune , and haue my selfe fitted with some meanes , to make him that is forsaken , a part of amends . QVAR. These conditions are very curteous . Well my word is out of the Arcadia , then : Argalus . WIN-W. And mine out of the play , Palemon . TRO. Haue you any warrant for this , Gentlemen ? Trouble-all comes again . QVAR. WIN-W. Ha! TRO. There must be a warrant had , beleeue it . WIN-W. For what ? TRO. Fot whatsoeuer it is , any thing indeede , no matter what . QVA. S'light , here 's a fine ragged Prophet , dropt downe ' ithe nicke ! TRO. Heauen quit you , Gentlemen . QVA. Nay , stay a little , good Lady , put him to the question . GRA. You are content , then ? WIN-W. QVAR. Yes yes . GRA. Sir , heere are two names written — TRO. Is Iudice Ouerdoo , one ? GRA. How , Sir ? I pray you read 'hem to your selfe , it is for a wager betweene these Gentlemen , and with a stroake or any difference , marke which you approue best . TRO. They may be both worshipfull names for ought I know , Mistresse , but Adam Ouerdoo had beene worth three of 'hem , I assure you , in this place , that 's in plaine english . GRA. This man amazes mee ! I pray you , like one of 'hem , Sir. TRO. I doe like him there , that has the best warrant , Mistresse , to saue your longing , and ( multiply him ) It may be this . But I am I still for Iustice Ouerdoo , that 's my conscience . And quit you . WIN-W. Is 't done , Lady ? GRA. I , and strangely , as euer I saw ! What fellow is this trow ? QVA. No matter what , a Fortune-teller wee ha' made him . Which is 't , which is 't . GRA. Nay , did you not promise , not to enquire ? QVA. S'lid , I forgot that , pray you pardon mee . Looke , here 's our Mercury come : The Licence arriues i' the finest time , too ! 't is but scraping out Cokes his name , and 't is done . WIN-W. How now lime-twig ? hast thou touch'd . EDG. Not yet , Sir , except you would goe with mee , and see 't , it 's not worth speaking on . The act is nothing , without a witnesse . Yonder he is , your man with the boxe falne into the finest company , and so transported with vapours , they ha' got in a Northren Clothier , and one Puppy , a Westerne man , that 's come to wrastle before my Lord Maior , anone , and Captaine Whit , and one Val Cutting , that helpes Captaine Iordan to roare , a circling boy : with whom your Numps , is so taken , that you may strip him of his cloathes , if you will. I 'le vndertake to geld him for you ; if you had but a Surgeon , ready , to feare him . And Mistresse Iustice , there , is the goodest woman ! shee do's so loue 'hem all ouer , in termes of Iustice , and the Stile of authority , with her hood vpright — that I beseech you come away Gentlemen , and see 't . QVAR. S'light , I would not lose it for the Fayre , what 'll you doe , Ned ? WIN-W. Why , stay heere about for you , Mistresse Welborne must not be seene . QVA. Doe so , and find out a Priest i' the meane time , I 'le bring the License . Lead , which way is 't ? EDG. Here , Sir , you are o' the backeside o' the Booth already , you may heare the noise . ACT. IIIJ. SCENE . IV. KNOCKHVM . NORDERN . PVPPY . CVTTING . WHIT. EDGVVORTH . QVARLOVS . OVERDOO . WASPE. BRISTLE . WHit , bid Vall Cutting continue the vapours for a lift , Whit , for a lift . NOR. I l'e ne mare , I l'e ne mare , the eale's too meeghty . KNO. How now ! my Galloway Nag , the staggers ? ha ! Whit , gi 'him a slit i' the fore-head . Cheare vp , man , a needle , and threed to stitch his eares . I 'ld cure him now an'I had it , with a little butter , and garlike , long-pepper , and graines . Where 's my horne ? I 'le gi 'him a mash , presently , shall take away this dizzinesse . PVP. Why , where are you zurs ? doe you vlinch , and leaue vs i' the zuds , now ? NOR. I 'le ne mare , I'is e'en as vull as a Paipers bag , by my troth , I. PVP. Doe my Northerne cloth zhrinke i' the wetting ? ha ? KNO. Why , well said , old Flea-bitten , thou 'lt neuer tyre , I see . CVT. They fall to their vapours , againe . No , Sir , but he may tire , if it please him . WHI. Who told dee sho ? that he vuld neuer teer , man ? CVT. No matter who told him so , so long as he knowes . KNO. Nay , I know nothing , Sir , pardon me there . EDG. They are at it stil , Sir , this they call vapours . WHI. He shall not pardon dee , Captaine , dou shalt not be pardon'd . Pre'de shweete heart doe not pardon him . CVT. S'light , I 'le pardon him , an'I list , whosoeuer saies nay to 't . QVAR. Where 's Numps ? I misse him . Here they continue their game of vapours , which is non sense . Euery man to oppose the last man that spake : whethe it concern'd him , or no. WAS. Why , I say nay to 't . QVAR. O there he is ! KNO. To what doe you say nay , Sir ? WAS. To any thing , whatsoeuer it is , so long as I do not like it . WHI. Pardon me , little man , dou musht like it a little . CVT. No , hee must not like it at all , Sir , there you are i' the wrong . WHI. I tinke I be , he musht not like it , indeede . CVT. Nay , then he both must , and will like it , Sir , for all you . KNO. If he haue reason , he may like it , Sir. WHI. By no meansh Captaine , vpon reason , he may like nothing vpon reason . WAS. I haue no reason , nor I will heare of no reason , nor I will looke for no reason , and he is an Asse , that either knowes any , or lookes for 't from me . CVT. Yes , in some sense you may haue reason , Sir. WAS. I , in some sense , I care not if I grant you . WHI. Pardon mee , thou ougsht to grant him nothing , in no she●sh , if dou doe loue dy shelfe , angry man. WAS. Why then , I doe grant him nothing ; and I haue no sense . CVT. 'T is true , thou hast no sense indeed . WAS. S'lid , but I haue sense , now I thinke on 't better , and I will grant him any thing , doe you see ? KNO. He is i' the right , and do's vtter a sufficient vapour . CVT. Nay , it is no sufficient vapour , neither , I deny that . KNO. Then it is a sweet vapour . CVT. It may be a sweet vapour . WAS. Nay , it is no sweet vapour , neither , Sir , it stinkes , and I 'le stand to 't . WHI. Yes , I tinke it dosh shtinke , Captaine . All vapour dosh shtinke . WAS. Nay , then it do's not stinke , Sir , and it shall not stinke . CVT. By your leaue , it may , Sir. WAS. I , by my leaue , it may stinke , I know that . WHI. Pardon me , thou knowesht nothing , it cannot by thy leaue , angry man. WAS. How can it not ? KNO. Nay , neuer question him , for he is i' the right . WHI. Yesh , I am I 'de right , I confesh it , so ish de little man too . WAS. I 'le haue nothing confest , that concernes mee . I am not i' the right , nor neuer was i' the right , nor neuer will be i' the right , while I am in my right minde , CVT. Minde ? why , heere 's no man mindes you , Sir , They drinke againe . nor any thing else . PVP. Vreind , will you mind this that wee doe ? QVA. Call you this vapours ? this is such beltching of quarrell , as I neuer heard . Will you minde your businesse , Sir ? EDG. You shall see , Sir. NOR. I 'le ne maire , my waimb warkes too mickle with this anready . EDG. Will you take that , Master Waspe , that no body should minde you ? WAS. Why ? what ha' you to doe ? is 't any matter to you ? EDG. No , but me thinks you should not be vnminded , though , WAS. Nor , I wu'not be , now I thinke on 't , doe you heare , new acquaintance , do's no man mind me , say you ? CVT. Yes , Sir , euery man heere mindes you , but how ? WAS. Nay , I care as little how , as you doe , that was not my question . WHI. No , noting was ty question , tou art a learned man , and I am a valiant man , i'faith la , tou shalt speake for mee , and I vill fight for tee . KNO. Fight for him , Whit ? A grosse vapour , hee can fight for himselfe . WAS. It may be I can , but it may be , I wu' not , how then ? CVT. Why , then you may chuse . WAS. Why , and I 'le chuse whether I 'le chuse or no. KNO. I thinke you may , and 't is true ; and I allow it for a resolute vapour . WAS. Nay , then , I doe thinke you doe not thinke , and it is no resolute vapour . CVT. Yes , in some sort he may allow you . KNO. In no sort , Sir , pardon me , I can allow him nothing . You mistake the vapour . WAS. He mistakes nothing , Sir , in no sort . WHI. Yes , I pre dee now , let him mistake . WAS. A turd i' your teeth , neuer pre dee mee , for I will haue nothing mistaken . KNO. They fall by the cares . Turd , ha turd ? a noysome vapour , strike Whit. OVE. Why , Gentlemen , why Gentlemen , I charge you vpon my authority , conserue the peace . In the Kings name , and my Husbands , put vp your weapons , I shall be driuen to commit you my selfe , else . QVA. Ha , ha , ha . WAS. Why doe you laugh , Sir ? QVA. Sir , you 'll allow mee my christian liberty . I may laugh , I hope . CVT. In some sort you may , and in some sort you may not , Sir. KNO. Nay in some sort , Sir , hee may neither laugh , nor hope , in this company . WAS. Yes , then he may both laugh , and hope in any sort , an 't please him . QVA. Faith , and I will then , for it doth please mee exceedingly . WAS. No exceeding neither , Sir. KNO. No , that vapour is too lofty . QVA. Gentlemen , I doe not play well at your game of vapours , I am not very good at it , but — CVT. Doe you heare , Sir ? I would speake with you in circle ? Hee drawes a circle on the ground . QVA. In circle , Sir ? what would you with me in circle ? CVT. Can you lend me a Piece , a Iacobus ? in circle ? QVA. S'lid , your circle will proue more costly then your vapours , then . Sir , no , I lend you none . CVT. Your beard 's not well turn'd vp , Sir. QVA. How Rascall ? are you playing with my beard ? They draw all , and fight . I 'le breake circle with you . PVP. NOR. Gentlemen , Gentlemen ! KNO. Gather vp , Whit , gather vp , Whit , good vapours . OVE. What meane you ? are you Rebells ? Gentlemen ? shall I send out a Sericant at Armes , or a Writ o'Rebellion , against you ? I 'le commit you vpon my woman-hood , for a Riot , vpon my Iustice-hood , if you persist . WAS. Vpon your Iustice-hood ? Mary shite o' your hood , you 'll commit ? Spoke like a true Iustice of peace's wife , indeed , and a fine female Lawyer ! turd i' your teeth for a fee , now . OVER. Why , Numps , in Master Ouerdoo's name , I charge you . WAS. Good Mistresse Vnderdoo hold your tongue . OVER. Alas ! poore Numps . WAS. Alas ! and why alas from you , I beseech you ? or why poore Numps , goody Rich ? am I come to be pittied by your tuft taffata now ? why Mistresse , I knew Adam , the Clerke , your husband , when he was Adam Scriuener , and writ for two pence a sheet , as high as he beares his head now , or you your hood , Dame. What are you , Sir ? The watch comes in . BRI. Wee be men , and no Infidells ; what is the matter , here , and the noyses ? can you tell ? WAS. Heart , what ha' you to doe ? cannot a man quarrell in quietnesse ? but hee must be put out on 't by you ? what are you ? BRI. Why , wee be his Maiesties Watch , Sir. WAS. Watch ? S'blood , you are a sweet watch , indeede . A body would thinke , and you watch'd well a nights , you should be contented to sleepe at this time a day . Get you to your fleas , and your flocke-beds , you Rogues , your kennells , and lye downe close . BRI. Downe ? yes , we will downe , I warrant you , downe with him in his Maiesties name , downe , downe with him , and carry him away , to the pigeon-holes . OVE. I thanke you honest friends , in the behalfe o' the Crowne , and the peace , and in Master Ouerdoo's name , for suppressing enormities . WHI. Stay , Bristle , heere ish a noder brash o'drunkards , but very quiet , speciall drunkards , will pay dee , fiue shillings very well . Take 'hem to d ee , in de graish o' God : one of hem do's change cloth , for Ale in the Fayre , here , te toder ish a strong man , a mighty man , my Lord Mayors man , and a wrastler . Hee has wrashled so long with the bottle , heere , that the man with the beard , hash almosht streeke vp hish heelsh . BRI. S'lid , the Clerke o' the Market , has beene to cry him all the Fayre ouer , here , for my Lords seruice . WHI. Tere he ish , pre de taik him hensh , and make ty best on him . How now woman o' shilke , vat ailsh ty shweet faish ? art tou melancholy ? OVE. A little distemper'd with these enormities ; shall I intreat a curtesie of you , Captaine ? WHI. Intreat a hundred , veluet voman , I vill doe it , shpeake out . OVE. I cannot with modesty speake it out , but — WHI. I vill doe it , and more , and more , for dee . What Vrsla , and 't be bitch , and 't be baud and 't be ! VRS. How now Rascall ? what roare you for ? old Pimpe . WHI. Heere , put vp de cloakes Vrsh ; de purchase , pre dee now , shweet Vrsh , help dis good braue voman , to a Iordan , and 't be . VRS. S'lid call your Captaine Iordan to her , can you not ? WHI. Nay , pre dee leaue dy consheits , and bring the veluet woman to de — VRS. I bring her , hang her : heart must I find a common pot for euery punque i' your purlews ? WHI. O good voordsh , Vrsh , it ish a guest o'veluet , i'fait la. VRS. Let her sell her hood , and buy a spunge , with a poxe to her , my vessell , employed Sir. I haue but one , and 't is the bottome of an old bottle . An honest Proctor , and his wife , are at it , within , if shee 'll stay her time , so . WHI. As soone ash tou cansht shwet Vrsh. Of a valiant man I tinke I am the patientsh man i' the world , or in all Smithfield . KNO. How now Whit ? close vapours , stealing your leaps ? couering in corners , ha ? WHI. No fait , Captaine , dough tou beesht a vishe man , dy vit is a mile hence , now . I vas procuring a shmall courtesie , for a woman of fashion here . OVE. Yes , Captaine , though I am Iustice of peace's wife , I doe loue Men of warre , and the Sonnes of the sword , when they come before my husband . KNO. Say'st thou so Filly ? thou shalt haue a leape presently , I 'le horse thee my selfe , else . VRS. Come , will you bring her in now ? and let her talke her turne ? WHI. Gramercy good Vrsh , I tanke dee . OVER. Master Ouerdoo shall thanke her . ACT. IIII. SCENE . V. IOHN . WIN. VRSLA. KNOCKHVM . WHIT. OVERDOO . ALES . Good Ga'mere Vrs ; Win , and I , are exceedingly beholden to you , and to Captaine Iordan , and Captaine Whit. Win , I 'le be bold to leaue you , i'th is good company , Win : for halfe an houre , or so Win , while I goe , and see how my matter goes forward , and if the Puppets be perfect : and then I 'le come & fetch you , Win. WIN. Will you leaue me alone with two men , Iohn ? IOH. I , they are honest Gentlmen Win , Captaine Iordan , and Captaine Whit , they 'll vse you very ciuilly , Win , God b'w'you , Win. VRS. What 's her husband gone ? KNO. On his false , gallop , Vrs , away . VRS. An' you be right Bartholmew-birds , now shew your selues so : we are vndone for want of fowle i' the Fayre , here . Here will be Zekiell Edgworth , and three or foure gallants , with him at night , and I ha' neither Plouer nor Quaile for 'hem : perswade this betweene you two , to become a Bird o' the game , while I worke the veluet woman , within , ( as you call her . ) KNO. I conceiue thee , Vrs ! goe thy waies , doest thou heare , Whit ? is 't not pitty , my delicate darke chestnut here ; with the fine leane head , large fore-head , round eyes , euen mouth , sharpe eares , long necke , thinne crest , close withers , plaine backe , deepe sides , short fillets , and full flankes : with a round belly , a plumpe but tocke , large thighes , knit knees , streight legges , short pasternes , smooth hoofes , and short heeles ; should lead a dull honest womans life , that might liue the life of a Lady ? WHI. Yes , by my fait , and trot , it is , Captaine : de honesht womans life is a scuruy dull life , indeed , la. WIN. How , Sir ? is an honest womans life a scuruy life ? WHI. Yes fait , shweet heart , beleeue him , de leefe of a Bond. woman ! but if dou vilt harken to me , I vill make tee a free-woman , and a Lady : dou shalt liue like a Lady , as te Captaine saish . KNO. I , and be honest too sometimes : haue her wiers , and her tires , her greene gownes , and veluet petticoates . WHI. I , and ride to Ware and Rumford i'dy Coash , shee de Players , be in loue vit 'hem ; sup vit gallantsh , be drunke , and cost de noting . KNO. Braue vapours ! WHI. And lye by twenty on 'hem , if dou pleash shweet heart . WIN. What , and be honest still , that were fine sport . WHI. Tish common , shweet heart , tou may'st doe it by my hand : it shall be iustified to ty husbands faish , now : tou shalt be as honesht as the skinne betweene his hornsh , la ! KNO. Yes , and weare a dressing , top , and top-gallant , to compare with ere a husband on 'hem all , for a fore-top : it is the vapour of spirit in the wife , to cuckold , now adaies ; as it is the vapour of fashion , in the husband , not to suspect . Your prying cat-eyed-citizen , is an abominable vapour . WIN. Lord , what a foole haue I beene ! WHI. Mend then , and doe euery ting like a Lady , heereafter , neuer know ty husband , from another man. KNO. Nor any one man from another , but i' the darke . WHI. I , and then it ish no dishgrash to know any man. VRS. Helpe , helpe here . KNO. How now ? what vapour 's there ? VRS. O , you are a sweet Ranger ! and looke well to your walks . Yonder is your Punque of Turnbull , Ramping Ales , has falne vpon the poore Gentlewoman within , and pull'd her hood ouer her eares , Alice eners , beating he Iustice's wife . and her hayre through it . OVE. Helpe , helpe , i' the Kings name . ALE. A mischiefe on you , they are such as you are , that vndoe vs , and take our trade from vs , with your tuft-taffata hanches . KNO. How now Alice ! ALE. The poore common whores can ha' no traffique , for the priuy rich ones ; your caps and hoods of veluet , call away our customers , and lick the fat from vs. VRS. Peace you foule ramping Iade , you — ALE. Od's foote , you Bawd in greace , are you talking ? KNO. VVhy , Alice , I say . ALE. Thou Sow of Smithfield , thou . VRS. Thou tripe of Turnebull . KNO. Cat-a-mountaine-vapours ! ha ! VRS. You know where you were taw'd lately , both lash'd , and slash'd you were in Bridewell . ALE. I , by the same token , you rid that weeke , and broake out the bottome o' the Cart , Night-tub . KNO. VVhy , Lyon face ! ha ! doe you know who I am ? shall I teare ruffe , slit wastcoat , make ragges of petticoat ? ha ! goe to , vanish , for feare of vapours . Whit , a kick , Whit , in the parting vapour . Come braue woman , take a good heart , thou shalt be a Lady , too . WHI. Yes fait , dey shal all both be Ladies , and write Madame . I vill do 't my selfe for dem . Doe , is the vord , and D is the middle letter of Madame , D D , put 'hem together , and make deeds , without which , all words are alike , la. KNO. 'T is true , Vrsla , take 'hem in , open thy wardrope , and fit 'hem to their calling . Greene-gownes , Crimson-petticoats , green women ! my Lord Maiors green women ! guests o' the Game , true bred . I 'le prouide you a Coach , to take the ayre , in . VVIN. But doe you thinke you can get one ? KNO. O , they are as common as wheelebarrowes , where there are great dunghills . Euery Pettifoggers wife , has 'hem , for first he buyes a Coach , that he may marry , and then hee marries that hee may be made Cuckold in 't : For if their wiues ride not to their Cuckolding , they doe 'hem no credit . Hide , and be hidden ; ride , and be ridden , sayes the vapour of experience . ACT. IIIJ. SCENE . VI. TROBLE-ALL . KNOCKHVM . VVHIT . QVARLOVS . EDGVVORTH . BRISTLE . WASPE. HAGGISE . IVSTICE . BVSY. PVRE-CRAFT . BY what warrant do's it say so ? KNO. Ha● mad child o' the Pye-pouldres , art thou there ? fill vs a fresh kan , Vrs , wee may drinke together . TRO. I may not drinke without a warrant , Captaine . KNO. S'lood , thou'll not stale without a warant , shortly . Whit , Giue mee pen , inke and paper . I 'l draw him a warrant presently . TRO. It must be Iustice Ouerdoo's ? KNO. I know , man , Fetch the drinke , Whit. VVHI. I pre dee now , be very briefe , Captaine ; for de new Ladies stay for dee . KNO. O , as briefe as can be , here 't is already . Adam Ouerdoo . TRO. VVhy , now , I 'le pledge you , Captaine . KNO. Drinke it off . I 'll come to thee , anone , againe . QVA. Well , Sir. You are now discharg'd : Quarlous to the Cut-purse ▪ beware of being spi'd , hereafter . EDG. Sir , will it please you , enter in here , at Vrsla's ; and take part of a silken gowne , a veluet petticoate , or a wrought smocke ; I am promis'd such : and I can spare any Gentleman a moity . QVA. Keepe it for your companions in beastlinesse , I am none of 'hem , Sir. If I had not already forgiuen you a greater trespasse , or thought you yet worth my beating , I would instruct your manners , to whom you made your offers . But goe your wayes , talke not to me , the hangman is onely fit to discourse with you ; the hand of Beadle is too mercifull a punishment for your Trade of life . I am sorry I employ'd this fellow ; for he thinks me such : Facinus quos inquinat , aequat . But , it was for sport . And would I make it serious , the getting of this Licence is nothing to me , without other circumstances concurre . I do thinke how impertinently I labour , if the word bee not mine , that the ragged fellow mark'd : And what aduantage I haue giuen Ned Win-wife in this time now , of working her , though it be mine . Hee 'll go neare to forme to her what a debauch'd Rascall I am , and fright her out of all good conceipt of me : I should doe so by him , I am sure , if I had the opportunity . But my hope is in her temper , yet ; and it must needs bee next to despaire , that is grounded on any part of a woman's discretion . I would giue by my troth , now , all I could spare ( to my cloathes , and my sword ) to meete my tatter'd sooth-sayer againe , who was my iudge i' the question , to know certainly whose word he has damn'd or sau'd . For , till then , I liue but vnder a Repreiue . I must seeke him . Who be these ? WAS. Ent Waspe with the officers . Sir , you are a welsh Cuckold , and a prating Runt , and no Constable . BRI. You say very well . Come put in his legge in the middle roundell , and let him hole there . WAS. You stinke of leeks , Metheglyn , and chee●e . You Rogue . BRI. Why , what is that to you , if you sit sweetly in the stocks in the meane time ? if you haue a minde to stinke too , your breeches sit close enough to your bumm . Sit you merry , Sir. QVA How now , Numps ? WAS. It is no matter , how ; pray you looke off . QVA. Nay I 'll not offend you , Numps . I thought you had sate there to be seen . WAS. And to be sold , did you not ? pray you mind your businesse , an' you haue any . QVA. Cry you mercy , Numps . Do's your leg lie high enough ? BRI. How now , neighbour Haggise , what sayes Iustice Ouerdo's worship , to the other offenders ? HAG. Why , hee sayes iust nothing , what should hee say ? Or where should he say ? He is not to be found , Man. He ha' not been seen i' the Fayre , here , all this liue-long day , neuer since seuen a clocke i' the morning . His Clearks know not what to thinke on 't . There is no Court of Pie-poulders yet . Heere they be return'd . BRI. What shall be done with 'hem , then ? in your discretion ? HAG. I thinke wee were best put 'hem in the stocks , in discretion ( there they will be safe in discretion ) for the valour of an houre , or such a thing , till his worship come . As they open the stockes , Waspe puts his shooe on his hand , and slips it in for his legge . BRI It is but a hole matter , if wee doe , Neighbour Haggise , come , Sir , heere is company for you , heaue vp the stocks . WAS. I shall put a tricke vpon your welsh diligence , perhaps . BRI. Put in your legge , Sir. QVA. What , Rabby Busy ! is hee come ? BVS. I doe obey thee , the Lyon may roare , but he cannot bite . They bring Busy , and put him in . I am glad to be thus separated from the heathen of the land , and put a part in the stocks , for the holy cause . WAS. VVhat are you , Sir ? BVS. One that reioyceth in his affliction , and sitteth here to prophesie , the destruction of Fayres and May-games , Wakes , and Whitson-ales , and doth sigh and groane for the reformation , of these abuses . WAS. And doe you sigh , and groane too , or reioyce in your affliction ? IVS. I doe not feele it , I doe not thinke of it , it is a thing without mee . Adam , thou art aboue these battries , these contumelies . In te manca ruit fortuna , as thy friend Horace saies ; thou art one , Quem neque pauperies , neque mors , neque vincula terrent , . And therefore as another friend of thine saies , ( I thinke it be thy friend Persius ) Non te quaesi●cris extra . QVA. What 's heere ! a Stoick i' the stocks ? the Foole is turn'd Philosopher . BVS. Friend , I will leaue to communicate my spirit with you , if I heare any more of those superstitious reliques , those lists of Latin , the very rags of Rome , and patches of Poperie . WAS. Nay , an'you begin to quarrel , Gentlemen , I 'll leaue you . I ha' paid for quarrelling too lately : looke you , a deuice , He gets out . but shifting in a hand for a foot . God b'w'you . BVS. Wilt thou then leaue thy brethren in tribulation ? WAS. For this once , Sir. BVS. Thou art a halting Neutrall stay him there , stop him : that will not endure the heat of persecution . BRI. How now , what 's the matter ? BVS. Hee is fled , he is fled , and dares not sit it out . BRI. What , has he made an escape , which way ? follow , neighbour Haggise . PVR. O me ! in the stocks ! haue the wicked preuail'd ? BVS. Peace religious sister , it is my calling , comfort your selfe , an extraordinary calling , and done for my better standing , my surer standing , hereafter . TRO. By whose warrant , by whose warrant , this ? The mad-man enters . QVA. O , here 's my man ! dropt in , I look'd for . IVS. Ha! PVR. O good Sir , they haue set the faithfull , here to be wonder'd at ; and prouided holes , for the holy of the land . TRO. Had they warrant for it ? shew'd they Iusticce Ouerdoo's hand ? if they had no warrant , they shall answer it . BRI. Sure you did not locke the stocks sufficiently , neighbour Toby ! HAG. No! see if you can lock 'hem better . BRI. They are very sufficiently lock'd , and truely , yet some thing is in the mater . TRO. True , your warrant is the matter that is in question , by what warrant ? BRI. Mad man , hold your peace , I will put you in his roome else , in the very same hole , doe you see ? QVA. How ! is hee a mad-man ! TRO. Shew me Iustice Ouerdoo's warrant . I obey you . HAG. You are a mad foole , hold your tongue . TRO. Shewes his Kanne . In Iustice Ouerdoo's name , I drinke to you , and here 's my warrant . IVS. Alas poore wretch ! how it earnes my heart for him ! QVA. If hee be mad , it is in vaine to question him . I 'le try though , friend : there was a Gentlewoman , shew'd you two names , some houre since , Argalus and Palemon , to marke in a booke , which of 'hem was it you mark'd ? TRO. I marke no name , but Adam Ouerdoo , that is the name of names , hee onely is the sufficient Magistrate ; and that name I reuerence , shew it mee . QVA. This fellowes madde indeede : I am further off , now , then afore . IVS. I shall not breath in peace , till I haue made him some amends . QVA. Well , I will make another vse of him , is come in my head : I haue a nest of beards in my Truncke , one some thing like his . BRI. The watch-men come back againe . The mad-man fights with 'hem , and they leaue open the stocks . This mad foole has made mee that I know not whether I I haue lock'd the stocks or no , I thinke I lock'd ' hem . TRO. Take Adam Ouerdoo in your minde , and feare nothing . BRI. S'lid , madnesse it selfe , hold thy peace , and take that . TRO. Strikest thou without a warrant ? take thou that . BVS. Wee are deliuered by miracle ; fellow in fetters , let vs not refuse the meanes , this madnesse was of the spirit : The malice of the enemy hath mock'd it selfe . PVR. Mad doe they call him ! the world is mad in error , but hee is mad in truth : I loue him o' the sudden , ( the cunning man sayd all true ) and shall loue him more , and more . How well it becomes a man to be mad in truth ! O , that I might be his yoake-fellow , and be mad with him , what a many should wee draw to madnesse in truth , with vs ! BRI. How now ! all scap'd ? where 's the woman ? it is witchcraft ! The watch missing them are affrighted . Her veluet hat is a witch , o' my conscience , or my key ! t'one . The mad-man was a Diuell , and I am an Asse ; so blesse me , my place , and mine office . ACT. V. SCENE . I. LANTHORNE . FILCHER . SHARKVVEL . WEll , Lucke and Saint Bartholmew ; out with the signe of our inuention , in the name of Wit , and do you beat the Drum , the while ; All the fowle i' the Fayre , I meane , all the dirt in Smithfield , ( that 's one of Master Littlewit's Carwhitchets now ) will be throwne at our Banner to day , if the matter do's not please the people . O the Motions , that I Lanthorne Leatherhead haue giuen light to , i' my time , since my Master Pod dyed ! Ierusalem was a stately thing ; and so was Niniue , and the citty of Norwich , and Sodom and Gomorrah ; with the rising o' the prentises ; and pulling downe the bawdy houses there , vpon Shroue-Tuesday ; but the Gunpowder-plot , there was a get-penny ! I haue presented that to an eighteene , or twenty pence audience , nine times in an afternoone . Your home-borne proiects proue euer the best , they are so easie , and familiar , they put too much learning i' their things now o'dayes : and that I feare will be the spoile o'th is . Little-wit ? I say , Mickle-wit ! if not too mickle ! looke to your gathering there , good man Filcher . FIL. I warrant you , Sir. LAN. And there come any Gentlefolks , take two pence a piece , Sharkwell . SHA. I warrant you , Sir , three pence , an'we can . ACT. V. SCENE . II. IVSTICE . WIN-WIFE . GRACE . QVARLOVS . PVRE-CRAFT . THis later disguise , I haue borrow'd of a Porter , shall carry me out to all my great and good ends ; The Iustice comes in like a Porter . which how euer interrupted , were neuer destroyed in me : neither is the houre of my seuerity yet come , to reueale my selfe , wherein cloud-like , I will breake out in raine , and haile , lightning , and thunder , vpon the head of enormity . Two maine works I haue to prosecute : first , one is to inuent some satisfaction for the poore , kinde wretch , who is out of his wits for my sake , and yonder I see him comming , I will walke aside , and proiect for it . WIN. I wonder where Tom Quarlous is , that hee returnes not , it may be he is strucke in here to seeke vs. GRA. See , heere 's our mad-man againe . QVA. I haue made my selfe as like him , as his gowne , and cap will giue me leaue . Quarlous in the habit of the mad-man is mistaken by Mrs Pure-craft . PVR. Sir , I loue you , and would be glad to be mad with you in truth . WIN-W. How ! my widdow in loue with a mad-man ? PVR. Verily , I can be as mad in spirit , as you . QVA. By whose warrant ? leaue your canting . Gentlewoman , haue I found you ? ( saue yee , quit yee , and multiply yee ) where 's your booke ? 't was a sufficient name I mark'd , let me see 't , be not afraid to shew 't me . GRA. What would you with it , Sir ? QVA. Marke it againe , and againe , at your seruice . GRA. Heere it is , Sir , this was it you mark'd . QVA. Palemon ? fare you well , fare you well . WIN-W. How , Palemon ! GRA. Yes faith , hee has discouer'd it to you , now , and therefore 't were vaine to disguise it longer , I am yours , Sir , by the benefit of your fortune . WIN-W. And you haue him Mistresse , beleeue it , that shall neuer giue you cause to repent her benefit , but make you rather to thinke that in this choyce , she had both her eyes . GRA. I desire to put it to no danger of protestation . QVA. Palemon , the word , and Win-wife the man ? PVR. Good Sir , vouchsafe a yoakefellow in your madnesse , shun not one of the sanctified sisters , that would draw with you , in truth . QVA. Away , you are a heard of hypocriticall proud Ignorants , rather wilde , then mad . Fitter for woods , and the society of beasts then houses , and the congregation of men . You are the second part of the society of Canters , Outlawes to order and Discipline , and the onely priuiledg'd Church-robbers of Christendome . Let me alone . Palemon , the word , and Winwife the man ? PVR. I must vncouer my selfe vnto him , or I shall neuer enioy him , for all the cunning mens promises . Good Sir , heare mee , I am worth sixe thousand pound , my loue to you , is become my racke , I 'll tell you all , and the truth : since you hate the hyporisie of the party-coloured brother-hood . These seuen yeeres , I haue beene a wilfull holy widdow , onely to draw feasts , and gifts from my intangled suitors : I am also by office , an assisting sister of the Deacons , and a deuourer , in stead of a distributer of the alms . I am a speciall maker of marriages for our decayed Brethren , with our rich widdowes ; for a third part of their wealth , when they are marryed , for the reliefe of the poore elect : as also our poore handsome yong Virgins , with our wealthy Batchelors , or Widdowers ; to make them steale from their husbands , when I haue confirmed them in the faith , and got all put into their custodies . And if I ha' not my bargaine , they may sooner turne a scolding drab , in to a silent Minister , then make me leaue pronouncing reprobation , and damnation vnto them . Our elder , Zeale-of-the-land , would haue had me , but I know him to be the capitall Knaue of the land , making himselfe rich , by being made Feoffee in trust to deceased Brethren , and coozning their heyres , by swearing the absolute gift of their inheritance . And thus hauing eas'd my conscience , and vtter'd my heart , with the tongue of my loue : enioy all my deceits together . I beseech you . I should not haue reuealed this to you , but that in time I thinke you are mad , and I hope you 'll thinke mee so too , Sir ? QVA. Stand aside , I 'le answer you , presently . Why should not I marry this sixe thousand pound , now I thinke on 't ? and a good trade too , that shee has beside , ha ? The tother wench , Winwife , is sure of ; there 's no expectation for me there ! here I may make my selfe some sauer , yet , if shee continue mad , there 's the question . It is money that I want , why should I not marry the money , when 't is offer'd mee ? I haue a License and all , it is but razing out one name , and putting in another . There 's no playing with a man's fortune ! I am resolu'd ! I were truly mad , an' I would not ! well , come your wayes , follow mee , an' you will be mad , I 'll shew you a warrant ! PVR. Most zealously , it is that I zealously desire . IVS. Sir , let mee speake with you . QVA. By whose warrant ? IVS. The warrant that you tender , and respect so ; Iustice Ouerdoo's ! I am the man , friend Trouble-all , though thus disguis'd ( as the carefull Magistrate ought ) for the good of the Republique , in the Fayre , and the weeding out of enormity . Doe you want a house or meat , or drinke , or cloathes ? speake whatsoeuer it is , it shall be supplyed you , what want you ? QVA. Nothing but your warrant . IVS. My warrant ? for what ? QVA. To be gone , Sir. IVS. Nay , I pray thee stay , I am serious , and haue not many words , nor much time to exchange with thee ; thinke what may doe thee good . QVA. Your hand and seale , will doe me a great deale of good ; nothing else in the whole Fayre , that I know . IVS. If it were to any end , thou should'st haue it willingly . QVA. Why , it will satisfie me , that 's end enough , to looke on ; an' you will not gi' it mee , let me goe . IVS. Alas ! thou shalt ha' it presently : I 'll but step into the Scriueners , The Iustice goes out . hereby , and bring it . Doe not go away . QVA. Why , this mad mans shape , will proue a very fortunate one , I thinke ! can a ragged robe produce these effects ? if this be the wise Iustice , and he bring mee his hand , I shall goe neere to make some vse on 't . Hee is come already ! IVS. and returns . Looke thee ! heere is my hand and seale , Adam Ouerdoo , if there be any thing to be written , aboue in the paper , that thou want'st now , or at any time hereafter ; thinke on 't ; it is my deed , I deliuer it so , can your friend write ? QVA. Hee vrgeth Mistresse Purecraft . Her hand for a witnesse , and all is well . IVS. With all my heart . QVA. Why should not I ha' the conscience , to make this a bond of a thousand pound ? now , or what I would else ? IVS. Looke you , there it is ; and I deliuer it as my deede againe . QVA. Let vs now proceed in madnesse . IVS. He takes her in with him . Well , my conscience is much eas'd ; I ha' done my part , though it doth him no good , yet Adam hath offer'd satisfaction ! The sting is remoued from hence : poore man , he is much alter'd with his affliction , it has brought him low ! Now , for my other worke , reducing the young man ( I haue follow'd so long in loue ) from the brinke of his bane , to the center of safety . Here , or in some such like vaine place , I shall be sure to finde him . I will waite the good time . ACT. V. SCENE . IIJ. COKES . SHAKRVVEL . IVSTICE . FILCHER . IOHN . LANTERNE . HOw now ? what 's here to doe ? friend , art thou the Master of the Monuments ? SHA. 'T is a Motion , an 't please your worship . IVS. My phantasticall brother in Law , Master Bartholmew Cokes ! COK. A Motion , what 's that ? He reads the Bill . The ancient moderne history of Hero , and Leander , otherwise called The Touchstone of true Loue , with as true a tryall of friendship , betweene Damon , and Pithias , two faithfull friends o' the Bankside ? pretty i'faith , what 's the meaning on 't ? is 't an Enterlude ? or what is 't ? FIL. Yes Sir , please you come neere , wee 'll take your money within . COK. Backe with these children ; The boyes o' the Fayre follow him . they doe so follow mee vp and downe . IOH. By your leaue , friend . FIL. You must pay , Sir , an' you goe in . IOH. Who , I ? I perceiue thou know'st not mee : call the Master o' the Motion . SHA What , doe you not know the Author , fellow Filcher ? you must take no money of him ; he must come in gratis : Mr. Little-wit is a voluntary ; he is the Author . IOH. Peace , speake not too lowd , I would not haue any notice taken , that I am the Author , till wee see how it passes . COK. Master Littlewit , how do'st thou ? IOH. Master Cokes ! you are exceeding well met : what , in your doublet , and hose , without a cloake , or a hat ? COK. I would I might neuer stirre , as I am an honest man , and by that fire ; I haue lost all i' the Fayre , and all my acquaintance too ; did'st thou meet any body that I know , Master Littlewit ? my man Numps , or my sister Ouerdoo , or Mistresse Grace ? pray thee Master Littlewit , lend mee some money to see the Interlude , here . I 'le pay thee againe , as I am a Gentleman . If thou 'lt but carry mee home , I haue money enough there . IOH. O , Sir , you shall command it , what , will a crowne serue you ? COK. I think it well , what do we pay for comming in , fellowes ? FIL. Two pence , Sir. COK. Two pence ? there 's twelue pence , friend ; Nay , I am a Gallant , as simple as I looke now ; if you see mee with my man about me , and my Artillery , againe . IOH. Your man was i' the Stocks , ee'n now , Sir. COK. Who , Numps ? IOH. Yes faith . COK. For what i' saith , I am glad o' that ; remember to tell me on 't anone ; I haue enough , now ! What manner of matter is this , Mr. Littl● wit ? What kind of Actors ha' you ? Are they good Actors ? IOH. Pretty youthes , Sir , all children both old and yong , heer 's the Master of 'hem — ( LAN. Leatherhead whispers to Littl-wit . Call me not Leatherhead , but Lanterne . ) IOH. Master Lanterne , that giues light to the businesse , COK ▪ In good time , Sir , I would faine see 'hem , I would be glad drinke with the young company ; which is the Tiring-house ? LAN. Troth , Sir , our Tiring-house is somewhat little , we are but beginners , yet , pray pardon vs ; you cannot goe vpright in 't . COK. No ? not now my hat is off ? what would you haue done with me , if you had had me , feather , and all , as I was once to day ? Ha' you none of your pretty impudent boyes , now ; to bring stooles , fill Tabacco , fetch Ale , and beg money , as they haue at other houses ? let me see some o' your Actors . ION. Shew him 'hem , shew him ' hem . Master Lanterne , this is a Gentleman , that is a fauorer of the quality . IVS. I , the fauouring of this licencious quality , is the consumption of many a young Gentleman ; a pernicious enormity . COK. What , doe they liue in baskets ? LEA. He brings them out in a basket . They doe lye in a basket , Sir , they are o' the small Players . COK. These be Players minors , indeed . Doe you call these Players ? LAN. They are Actors , Sir , and as good as any , none disprais'd , for dumb showes : indeed , I am the mouth of 'hem all ! COK. Thy mouth will hold 'hem all . I thinke , one Taylor , would goe neere to beat all this company , with a hand bound behinde him . IOH. I , and eate 'hem all , too , an' they were in cake-bread . COK. I thanke you for that , Master Littlewit , a good ●est ! which is your Burbage now ? LAN. What meane you by that , Sir ? COK. Your best Actor . Your Field ? IOH. Good ifaith ! you are euen with me , Sir. LAN. This is he , that acts young Leander , Sir. He is extreamly belou'd of the womenkind , they doe so affect his action , the green gamesters , that come here , and this is louely Hero ; this with the beard , Damon ; and this pretty Pythias : this is the ghost of King Dionysius in the habit of a scriuener : as you shall see anone , at large . COK. Well they are a ciuill company , I like 'hem for that ; they offer not to fleere , nor geere , nor breake iests , as the great Players doe : And then , there goes not so much charge to the feasting of 'hem , or making 'hem drunke , as to the other , by reason of their littlenesse . Doe they vse to play perfect ? Are they neuer fluster'd ? LAN. No , Sir. I thanke my industry , and policy for it ; they are as well gouern'd a company , though I say it — And heere is young Leander , is as proper an Actor of his inches ; and shakes his head like an hostler . COK. But doe you play it according to the printed booke ? I haue read that . LAN. By no meanes , Sir. COK. No ? How then ? LAN. A better way , Sir , that is too learned , and poeticall for our audience ; what doe they know what Hellespont is ? Guilty of true loues blood ? or what Abidos is ? or the other Sestos hight ? COK. Th' art i' the right , I do not know my selfe . LAN. No , I haue entreated Master Littlewit , to take a little paines to reduce it to a more familiar straine for our people . COK. How , I pray thee , good Mr. Littlewit ? IOH. It pleases him to make a matter of it , Sir. But there is no such matter I assure you : I haue onely made it a little easie , and moderne for the times , Sir , that 's all ; As , for the Hellespont I imagine our Thames here ; and then Leander , I make a Diers sonne , about Puddle-wharfe : and Hero a wench o' the Banke-side , who going ouer one morning , to old fish-street ; Leander spies her land at Trigsstayers , and falls in loue with her : Now do I introduce Cupid , hauing Metamorphos'd himselfe into a Drawer , and hee strikes Hero in loue with a pint of Sherry , and other pretty passages there are , o' the friendship , that will delight you , Sir , and please you of iudgement . COK. I 'll be sworne they shall ; I am in loue with the Actors already , and I 'll be allyed to them presently . ( They respect gentlemen , these fellowes ) Hero shall be my fayring : But , which of my fayrings ? ( Le' me see ) i'faith , my fiddle ! and Leander my fiddle-sticke : Then Damon , my drum ; and Pythias , my Pipe and the ghost of Dionysius , my hobby-horse . All fitted . ACT. V. SCENE IV. To them WIN-WIFE . GRACE . KNOCKHVM . WHITT . EDGVVORTH . VVIN. Mistris OVERDOO . And to them VVASPE . Looke yonder 's your Cokes gotten in among his play-fellowes ; I thought we could not misse him , at such a Spectacle . GRA. Let him alone , he is so busie , he will neuer spie vs. LEA. Nay , good Sir. COK. I warrant thee , I will not hurt her , fellow ; what dost think me vnciuill ? I pray thee be not iealous : I am toward a wife . IOH ▪ Well good Master Lanterne , make ready to begin , that I may fetch my wife , and looke you be perfect , you vndoe me else , i' my reputation . LAN. I warrant you Sir , doe not you breed too great an expectation of it , among your friends : that 's the onely hurter of these things . IOH. No , no , no. COK. I 'll stay here , and see ; pray thee let me see . WIN-VV. How diligent and troublesome he is ! GRA. The place becomes him , me thinkes . IVS. My ward , Mistresse Grace in the company of a stranger ? I doubt I shall be compell'd to discouer my selfe , before my time ! FIL. Two pence a piece Gentlemen , an excellent Motion . KNO. The doore-keepers speake . Shall we haue fine fire-works , and good vapours ! SHA. Yes Captaine , and water-works , too . WHI. I pree dee , take a care o'dy shmall Lady , there , Edgworth ; I will looke to dish tall Lady my selfe . LAN. Welcome Gentlemen , welcome Gentlemen . WHI. Predee , Mashter o'de Monshtersh , helpe a very sicke Lady , here , to a chayre , to shit in . LAN. Presently , Sir. WHI. They bring Mistr●s Ouerdoo a chayre . Good fait now , Vrsla's Ale , and Aqua-vitae ish to blame for 't ; shit downe shweet heart , shit downe ▪ and shleep a little . EDG. Madame , you are very welcom hither . KNO. Yes , and you shall see very good vapours . IVS. Here is my care come ! I like to see him in so good company ; and yet I wonder that persons of such fashion , should resort hither ! EDG. This is a very priuate house , Madame . LAN. Will it please your Ladiship sit , Madame ? WIN. Yes good-man . They doe so all to be Madame mee , I thinke they thinke me a very Lady ! EDG. What else Madame ? WIN. Must I put off my masque to him ? EDG. O , by no meanes . WIN. How would my husband know mee , then ? KNO. Husband ? an idle vapour ; he must not know you , nor you ●im ; there 's the true vapour . IVS. Y●● , I will obserue more of this : is this a Lady , friend ? WHI. I and 〈◊〉 is anoder Lady , shweet heart ; if dou hasht a minde to 'hem gi●e me twelue pence from tee , and dou shalt haue eder-oder on ' hem ! IVS. I ? This will prooue my chiefest enormity : I will follow this . EDG , Is not this a finer life , Lady , then to be clogg'd with a husband ? WIN. Yes , a great deale . When will they beginne , trow ? in the name o' the Motion ? EDG. By and by Madame , they stay but for company . KNO. Doe you heare , Puppet . Master , these are tedious vapours ; when begin you ? LAN. We stay but for Master Littlewit , the Author , who is gone for his wife ; and we begin presently . WIN. That 's I , that 's I. EDG. That was you , Lady ; but now you are no such poore thing . KNO. Hang the Authors wife , a running vapour ! here be Ladies , will stay for nere a Delia o 'hem all . WHI. But heare mee now , heere ish one o'de Ladish , a shleep , stay till shee but vake man. WAS. How now friends ? what 's heere to doe ? FIL. Two pence a piece , Sir , the best Motion , in the Fayre . WAS. I beleeue you lye ; if you doe , I 'll haue my money againe , and beat you . WIN. Numps is come ! WAS. Did you see a Master of mine , come in here , a tall yong Squire of Harrow o' the Hill ; Master Bartholmew Cokes ? FIL. I thinke there be such a one , within . WAS. Looke hee be , you were best : but it is very likely : I wonder I found him not at all the rest . I ha' beene at the Eagle , and the blacke Wolfe , and the Bull with the fiue legges , and two pizzles ; ( hee was a Calfe at Vxbridge Fayre , two yeeres agone ) And at the dogges that daunce the Morrice , and the Hare o' the Taber ; and mist him at all these ! Sure this must needs be some fine sight , that holds him so , if it haue him . COK. Come , come , are you ready now ? LAN. Presently , Sir. WAS. Hoyday , hee 's at worke in his Dublet , and hose ; doe you heare , Sir ? are you imploy'd ? that you are bare headed , and so busie ? COK. Hold your peace , Numpes ; you ha' beene i' the Stocks , I heare . WAS. Do's he know that ? nay , then the date of my Authority is out ; I must thinke no longer to raigne , my gouernment is at an end . He that will correct another , must want fault in himselfe . WIN-W. Sententious Numps ! I neuer heard so much from him , before . LAN. Sure , Master Littlewit will not come ; please you take your place , Sir , wee 'll beginne . COK. I pray thee doe , mine eares long to be at it ; and my eyes too . O Numps , i' the Stocks , Numps ? where 's your sword , Numps ? WAS. I pray you intend your game , Sir , let me alone . COK. Well then , we are quit for all . Come , sit downe , Numps ; I 'le interpret to thee : did you see Mistresse Grace ? it's no matter , neither , now I thinke on 't , tell mee anon . WIN-W. A great deale of loue , and care , he expresses . GRA. Alas ! would you haue him to expresse more then hee has ? that were tyranny . COK. Peace , ho ; now , now . LAN. Gentles , that no longer your expectations may wander , Behold our chief Actor , amorous Leander . With a great deale of cloth , lap'd about him like a Scarfe , For he yet serues his father , a Dyer at Puddle wharfe , Which place wee 'll make bold with , to call it our Abidus , As the Banke-side is our Sestos , and let it not be deny'd vs. Now , as he is beating , to make the Dye take the fuller , Who chances to come by , but faire Hero , in a Sculler ; And seeing Leanders naked legge , and goodly calfe , Cast at him , from the boat , a Sheepes eye , and a halfe . Now she is landed , and the Sculler come backe ; By and by , you shall see what Leander doth lacke . PVP. L. Cole , Cole , old Cole . LAN. That is the Scullers name without controle . PVP. L. Cole , Cole , I say , Cole . LAN. We doe heare you . PVP. L. Old Cole . LAN Old cole ? Is the Dyer turn'd Collier ? how do you sell ? PVP. L. A pox o' your maners , kisse my hole here , and smell . LAN. Kisse your hole , and smell ? there 's manners indeed . PVP. L. Why , Cole , I say , Cole . LAN. It 's the Sculler you need ! PVP. L. I , and be hang'd . LAN. Be hang'd ; looke you yonder , Old Cole , you must go hang with Master Leander . PVP. C. Where is he ? PVP. L. Here , Cole , what fayerest of Fayers , was that fare , that thou landedst but now a Trigsstayres ? COK. What was that , fellow ? Pray thee tell me , I scarse vnderstand ' hem . LAN. Leander do's aske , Sir , what fayrest of Fayers , Was the fare thhe landed , but now , at Trigsstayers ? PVP. C. It is louely Hero. PVP. L. Nero ? PVP. C. No , Hero. LAN. It is Hero. Of the Bankside , he saith ▪ to tell you truthwith out erring , Is come ouer into Fish-street to eat some fresh herring . Leander sayes no more , but as fast as he can , Gets on all his best cloathes ; and will after to the Swan . COK. Most admirable good , is 't not ? LAN. Stay , Sculler . PVP. C. What say you ? LAN. You must stay for Leander , and carry him to the wench . PVP. C. You Rogue , I am no Pandar . COK. He sayes he is no Pandar . 'T is a fine language ; I vnderstand it , now . LAN. Are you no Pandar , Goodman Cole ? heer 's no man sayes you are , You 'll grow a hot Cole , it seemes , pray you stay for your fare . PVP. C. Will hee come away ? LAN. What doe you say ? PVP. C. I 'de ha' him come away . LEA. VVould you ha' Leander come away ? why 'pray' Sir , stay . You are angry , Goodman Cole ; I beleeue the faire Mayd Came ouer w' you a' trust : tell vs Sculler , are you paid . PVP. C. Yes Goodman Hogrubber , o' Pickt-hatch . LAV : How , Hogrubber , o' Pickt-hatch ? PVP. C. I Hogrubber o' Pickt-hatch . Take you that . LAN. O , my head ! The Puppet strikes him ouer the pate PVP. C. Harme watch , harme catch . COK. Harme watch , harme catch , he sayes : very good i' faith , the Sculler had like to ha' knock'd you , sirrah . LAN. Yes , but that his fare call'd him away . PVP. L. Row apace , row apace , row , row , row , row , row . LAN. You are knauishly loaden , Sculler , take heed where you goe . PVP. C. Knaue i' your face , Goodman Rogue . PVP. L Row , row , row , row , row , row . COK. Hee said knaue i' your face , friend . LAN. I Sir , I heard him . But there 's no talking to these water●men , they will ha' the last word COK. God's my life ! I am not allied to the Sculler , yet ; hee shall be Dauphin my boy . But my Fiddle-sticke do's fiddle in and out too much ; I pray thee speake to him , on 't : tell him , I would haue him tarry in my sight , more . LAN. I Pray you be content ; you 'll haue enough on him , Sir. Now gentles , I take it , here is none of you so stupid , but that you haue heard of a little god of loue , call'd Cupid . VVho out of kindnes to Leander , hearing he but ( aw her , this present day and houre , doth turne himselfe to a Drawer . And because , he would haue their first meeting to be merry , he strikes Hero in loue to him , with a pint of Sherry . VVhich he tells her ▪ from amorous Leander is sent her , PVP. Leander goes into Mistris Hero's room who after him , into the roome of Hero , doth venter . PVP. IO : A pint of sacke , score a pint of sacke , i' the Conney . COK. Sack ? you said but ee'n now it should be Sherry . PVP. IO : Why so it is ; sherry , sherry , sherry . COK. Sherry , sherry , sherry . By my troth he makes me merry . I must haue a name for Cupid , too . Let me see , thou mightst helpe me now , an' thou wouldest , Numps , at a dead lift , but thou art dreaming o' the stocks , still ! Do not thinke on 't , I haue forgot it : 't is but a nine dayes wonder , man ; let it not trouble thee . WAS. I would the stocks were about your necke , Sir ; condition I hung by the heeles in them , till the wonder were off from you , with all my heart . COK. Well said resolute Numps : but hearke you friend , where is the friendship , all this while , betweene my Drum , Damon ; and my Pipe , Pythias ? LAN. You shall see by and by , Sir ? COK. You thinke my Hobby-horse is forgotten , too ; no , I 'll see ▪ 'hem all enact before I go ; I shall not know which to loue best , else KNO. This Gallant has interrupting vapours , troublesome vapours , Whitt , puffe with him . WHIT. No , I pre dee , Captaine , let him alone . Hee is a Child i' faith , la ' . LAN. Now gentles , to the freinds , who in number , are two , and lodg'd in that Ale-house , in which faire Hero do's doe . Damon ( for some kindnesse done him the last weeke ) is come faire Hero , in Fish-streete , this morning to seeke : Pythias do's smell the knauery of the meeting , and now you shall see their true friendly greeting . PVP. Pi. You whore-masterly Slaue , you· COK. Whore-masterly slaue , you ? very friendly , & familiar , that . PVP. Da. Whore-master i' thy face , Thou hast lien with her thy selfe , I 'll proue 't i'th is place . COK. Damon sayes Pythias has lien with her , himselfe , hee 'll prooue 't in this place . LAN. They are Whore-masters both , Sir , that 's a plaine case . PVP. Pi. You lye , like a Rogue . LAN. Doe I ly , like a Rogue ? PVP. Pi. A Pimpe , and a Scabbe . LAN. A Pimpe , and a Scabbe ? I say between you , you haue both but one Drabbe . PVP. Da. You lye againe . LAN. Doe I lye againe ? PVP. Da. Like a Rogue againe . LAN. Like a Rogue againe ? PVP. Pi. And you are a Pimpe , againe . COK. And you are a Pimpe againe , he sayes . PVP. Da. And a Scabbe , againe . COK. And a Scabbe againe , he sayes . LAN. And I say againe , you are both whore-masters againe , They fight . and you haue both but one Drabbe againe . PVP. Da. Pi. Do'st thou , do'st thou , do'st thou ? AN. What , both at once ? PVP. P. Downe with him , Damon PVP. D. Pinke his guts , Pythias ▪ LAN. What , so malicious ? will ye murder me , Masters both , i'mine owne house ? COK. Ho! well acted my Drum , well acted my Pipe , well acted still . WAS. Well acted , with all my heart . LAN. Hld , hold your hands COK. I , both your hands , for ▪ my sake ! for you ha' both done well . PVP. D. Gramercy pure Pythias . PVP. P. Gramercy , Deare Damon . COK. Gramercy to you both , my Pipe , and my drum . PVP. P. D. Come now wee 'll together to breakfast to Hero. LAN. 'T is well , you can now go to breakfast to Hero , you haue giuen many breakfast , with a hone and honero . COK. How is 't friend , ha' they hurt thee ? LAN. O no! Betweene you and I Sir , we doe but make show . Thus Gentles you perceiue , without any deniall , 'twixt Damon and Pythias here , friendships true tryall . Though hourely they quarrell thus , and roare each with other , they fight you no more , then do's brother with brother . But friendly together , at the next man they meet , they let fly their anger as here you might see 't . COK. Well , we haue seen 't , and thou hast felt it , whatsoeuer thou sayest , what 's next ? what 's next ? LEA. This while young Leander , with faire Hero is drinking , and Hero growne drunke , to any mans thinking ! Yet was it not three pints of Sherry could flaw her . till Cupid distinguish'd like Ionas the Drawer , From vnder his apron , where his lechery lurkes , put loue in her Sacke . Now marke how it workes . PVP. H. O Leander Leander , my deare my deare Leander , I 'le for euer be thy goose , so thou 'lt be my gander● COK. Excellently well said , Fiddle , shee 'll euer be his goose , so hee 'll be her gander : was 't not so ? LAN. Yes , Sir , but marke his answer , now : PVP. L· And sweetest of geese , before I goe to bed , I 'll swimme o're the Thames , my goose , thee to tread . COK. Braue ! he will swimme o're the Thames , and tread his goose , too night , he sayes . LAN. I , peace , Sir , the 'll be angry , if they heare you eaues-dropping , now they are setting their match . PVP. L. But lest the Thames should be dark , my goose , my deare friend , let thy window be prouided of a candles end . PVP. H. Feare not my gander , I protest , I should handle my matters very ill , if I had not a whole candle . PVP. L. Well then , looke to 't , and kisse me to boote . LAN. Now , heere come the friends againe , Pythias , and Damon , and vnder their clokes , Damon and Pythias enter . they haue of Bacon , a gammon . PVP. P. Drawer , fill some wine heere . LAN. How , some wine there ? there 's company already , Sir , pray forbeare ! PVP. D. 'T is Hero. LAN. Yes , but shee will not be taken , after sacke , and fresh herring , with your Dunmow - bacon . PVP. P You lye , it 's Westfabian . LAN. Westphalian you should say . PVP. D. Leander and Hero are kissing . If you hold not your peace , you are a Coxcombe , I would say . PVP. What 's here ? what 's here ? kisse , kisse , vpon kisse . LAN. I , Wherefore should they not ? what harme is in this ? 't is Mistresse Hero. PVP. D. Mistresse Hero's a whore . LAN. Is shee a whore ? keepe you quiet , or Sir Knaue out of dore . PVP. D. Knaue out of doore ? PVP. H. Yes , Knaue , out of doore . PVP. D. Whore out of doore . PVP. H. Heere the Puppets quarrell and fall together by the eares . I say , Knaue , out of doore . PVP. D. I say , whore , out of doore . PVP. P. Yea , so say I too . PVP. H. Kisse the whore o' the arse . LAN. Now you ha' something to doe : you must kisse her o' the arse shee sayes : PVP. D. P. So we will , so we will. PVP. H. O my hanches , O my hanches , hold , hold . LAN. Stand'st thou still ? Leander , where art thou ? stand'st thou still like a sot , and not offer'st to breake both their heads with a pot ? See who 's at thine elbow , there ! Puppet Ionas and Cupid . PVP. I. Vpon 'hem Leander , be not so stupid . They fight . PVP. L. You Goat-bearded slaue ! PVP. D. You whore-master Knaue . PVP. L. Thou art a whore-master . PVP. I. Whore-masters all . LAN. See , Cupid with a word has tane vp the brawle . KNO. These be fine vapours ! COK. By this good day they fight brauely ! doe they not , Numps ? WAS. Yes , they lack'd but you to be their second , all this while . LAN. This tragicall encounter , falling out thus to busie vs , It raises vp the ghost of their friend Dionysius : Not like a Monarch , but the Master of a Schoole , in a Scriueners furr'd gowne , which shewes he is no foole . for therein he hath wit enough to keepe himselfe warme . O Demon he cries , and Pythias ; what harme , Hath poore Dionysius done you in his graue , That after his death , you should fall out thus , and raue , And call amorous Leander whore-master Knaue ? PVP. D. I cannot , I will not , I promise you endure it . ACT. V. SCENE . V. To them BVSY. BVS. Downe with Dagon , downe with Dagon ; 't is I , will no longer endure your prophanations . LAN. What meane you , Sir ? BVS. I wil remoue Dagon there , I say , that Idoll , that heathenish Idoll , that remaines ( as I may say ) a beame , a very beame , not a beame of the Sunne , nor a beame of the Moone , nor a beame of a ballance , neither a house-beame , nor a Weauers beame , but a beame in the eye , in the eye of the brethren ; a very great beame , an exceeding great beame ; such as are your Stage players , Rimers , and Morrise-dancers , who haue walked hand in hand , in contempt of the Brethren , and the Cause ; and beene borne out by instruments , of no meane countenance . LAN. Sir , I present nothing , but what is licens'd by authority . BAS. Thou art all license , euen licentiousnesse it selfe , Shimei ! LAN. I haue the Master of the Reuell's hand for 't , Sir. BVS. The Master of Rebells hand , thou hast ; Satan's ! hold thy peace , thy scurrility shut vp thy mouth , thy profession is damnable , and in pleading for it , thou dost plead for Baal . I haue long opened my mouth wide , and gaped , I haue gaped as the oyster for the tide after thy destruction ▪ but cannot compasse it by sute , or dispute ; so thar I looke for a bickering , ere long , and then a battell . KNO. Good Banbury-vapours . COK. Friend , you 'ld haue an ill match on 't , if you bicker with him here , though he be no man o' the fist , hee has friends that will goe to cuffes for him , Numps , will not you take our side ? EDG. Sir , it shall not need , in my minde ; he offers him a fairer course , to end it by disputation ! hast thou nothing to say for thy selfe , in defence of thy quality ? LAN. Faith , Sir , I am not well studied in these controuersies , betweene the hypocrites and vs. But here 's one of my Motion , Puppet Donisius shall vndertake him , and I 'le venture the cause on 't . COK. Who ? my Hobby-horse ? will he dispute with him ? LAN. Yes , Sir , and make a Hobby-Asse of him , I hope . COK. That 's excellent ! indeed he lookes like the best scholler of 'hem all . Come , Sir , you must be as good as your word , now . BVS. I will not feare to make my spirit , and gifts knowne ! assist me zeale , fill me , fill me , that is , make me full . WIN-W. What a desperate , prophane wretch is this ! is there any Ignorance , or impudence like his ? to call his zeale to fill him against a Puppet ? QVA. I know no fitter mat●h , then a Puppet to commit with an Hypocrite ! BVS. First , I say vnto thee , Idoll , thou hast no Calling . PVP. D. You lie , I am call'd Dionisius . LAN. The Motion sayes you lie , he is call'd Dionisius i the matter , and to that calling he answers . BVS. I meane no vocation , Idoll , no present lawfull Calling . PVP. D. Is yours a lawfull Calling ? LAN. The Motion asketh , if yours be a lawfull Calling ? BVS. Yes , mine is of the Spirit . PVP. D. Then Idoll is a lawfull Calling . LAN. He saies , then Idoll is a lawfull Calling ! for you call'd him Idoll , and your Calling is of the spirit . COK. Well disputed , Hobby-horse ! BVS. Take not part with the wicked young Gallant ▪ He neygheth and hinneyeth , all is but hir nying Sophistry . I call him Idoll againe . Yet , I say , his Calling , his Profession is prophane , it is prophane , Idoll . PVP. D. It is not prophane ! LAN. It is not prophane , he sayes . BVS. It is prophane . PVP. It is not prophane . BVS. It is prophane . PVP. It is not prophane . LAN Well said , confute him with not , still . You cannot beare him downe with your base noyse , Sir. BVS. Nor he me , with his treble creeking , though he creeke like the chariot wheeles of Satan ; I am zealous for the Cause — LAN. As a dog for a bone . BVS. And I say , it is prophane , as being the Page of Pride , and the waiting woman of vanity . PVP. D. Yea ? what say you to your Tire-women , then ? LAN. Good. PVP. Or feather-makers i' the Fryers , that are o' your faction of faith ? Are not they with their perrukes , and their puffes , their fannes , and their huffes , as much Pages of Pride , and waiters vpon vanity ? what say you ? what say you ? what say you ? BVS. I will not answer for them . PVP. Because you cannot , because you cannot . Is a Bugle-maker a lawfull Calling ? or the Confect-makers ? such you haue there : or your French Fashioner ? you 'ld haue all the sinne within your selues , would you not ? would you not ? BVS. No , Dagon . PVS. What then , Dagonet ? is a Puppet worse then these ? BVS. Yes , and my maine argument against you , is , that you are an abomination : for the Male , among you , putteth on the apparell of the Female , and the Female of the Male. PVP. You lye , you lye , you lye abominably . COK. Good , by my troth , he has giuen him the lye thrice . PVP. It is your old stale argument against the Players , but it will not hold against the Puppets ; for we haue neyther Male nor Female amongst vs. And that thou may'st see , if thou wilt , The Puppet takes vp his garment . like a malicious purblinde zeale as thou art ! EDG. By my faith , there he has answer'd you , friend ; by playne demonstration . PVP. Nay , I 'le proue , against ere a Rabbin of 'hem all , that my standing is as lawfull as his ; that I speak by inspiration , as well as he ; that I haue as little to doe with learning as he ; and doe scorne her helps as much as he . BVS , I am confuted , the Cause hath failed me . PVS. Then be conuerted , be conuerted . LAN. Be conuerted , I pray you , and let the Play goe on ! BVS. Let it goe on . For I am changed , and will become a beholder with you ! COK. That 's braue i'saith , thou hast carryed it away , Hobby-horse , on with the Play ! IVS. Stay , now do I forbid , I Adam Ouerdoo ! sit still , I charge you . The Iustice discouers himselfe . COK. What , my Brother i'law ! GRA. My wise Guardian ! EDG. Iustice Ouerdoo ! IVS. It is time , to take Enormity by the fore head , and brand it ▪ for , I haue discouer'd enough . ACT. V. SCENE . VI. To them , QVARLOVS . ( like the Mad-man ) PVRE-CRAFT . ( a while after ) IOHN . to them TROVBLE-ALL . VRSLA. NIGHTIGALE . QVAR. Nay , come Mistresse Bride . You must doe as I doe , now . You must be mad with mee , in truth . I haue heere Iustice Ouerdoo for it . IVS. Peace good Trouble-all ; come hither , and you shall trouble n●ne . To the Cutpurse , and Mistresse Litwit . I will take the charge of you , and your friend too , you also , young man shall be my care , stand there . EDG. Now , mercy vpon mee . KNO. Would we were away , Whit , these are dangerous vapours , The rest are stealing away . best fall off with our birds , for feare o' the Cage . IVS. Stay , is not my name your terror ? WHI. Yesh faith man , and it ish fot tat , we would be gone man. IOH. O Gentlemen ! did you not see a wife of mine ? I ha' lost my little wife , as I shall be trusted : my little pretty Win , I left her at the great woman's house in trust yonder , the Pig-womans , with Captaine Iordan , and Captaine Whit , very good men , and I cannot heare of her . Poore foole , I feare shee 's stepp'd aside . Mother , did you not see Win ? IVS. If this graue Matron be your mother , Sir , stand by her , Et digito compesc● labellum , I may perhaps spring a wife for you , anone . Brother Bartholmew , I am sadly sorry , to see you so lightly giuen , and such a Disciple of enormity : with your graue Gouernour Humphrey : but stand you both there , in the middle place ; I will reprehend you in your course . Mistresse Grace , let me rescue you out of the hands of the stranger . WIN-W. Pardon me , Sir , I am a kinsman of hers . IVS. Are you so ? of what name , Sir ? WIN-W. Winwife , Sir ▪ IVS. Master Winwife ? I hope you haue won no wife of her , Sir. If you haue , I will examine the possibility of it , at fit leasure . Now , to my enormities : looke vpon mee , O London ! and see mee , O Smithfield ; The example of Iustice , and Mirror of Magistrates : the true top of formality , and scourge of enormity . Harken vnto my labours , and but obserue my discoueries ; and compare Hercules with me , if thou dar'st , of old ; or Columbus ; Magellan ; or our countrey man Drake of later times : stand forth you weedes of enormity , and spread . First , Rabbi Busy , thou superlunaticall hypocrite , next , To Busy , To Lantern , To the horse courser , and Cutpurse . Then Cap. Whit , and Mistresse Littlewit . thou other extremity , thou prophane professor of Puppetry , little better then Poetry : then thou strong Debaucher , and Seducer of youth ; witnesse this easie and honest young man : now thou Esquire of Dames , Madams , and twelue-penny Ladies : now my greene Madame her selfe , of the price . Let mee vnmasque your Ladiship . IOH. O my wife , my wife , my wife ! IVS. Is she your wife ? Redde te Harpocratem ! TRO. By your leaue , stand by my Masters , be vncouer'd . VRS. O stay him , stay him , helpe to cry , Nightingale ; my pan , Enter Trouble-all . my panne . IVS. What 's the matter ? NIG. Hee has stolne gammar Vrsla's panne . TRO. Yes , and I feare no man but Iustice Ouerdoo . IVS. Vrsla ? where is she ? O the Sow of enormity , this ! To Vrsla , and Nightingale . welcome , stand you there , you Songster , there . VRS. An' please your worship , I am in no fault : A Gentleman stripp'd him in my Booth , and borrow'd his gown , and his hat ; and hee ranne away with my goods , here , for it . IVS· Then this is the true mad-man , and you are the enormity ! QVA. You are i' the right , I am mad , To Quarlous . but from the gowne outward . IVS. Stand you there . QVA. Where you please , Sir. OVER O lend me a bason , I am sicke , I am sicke ; Mistresse Ouerdoo is sicke : and her husband is silenc'd . where 's Mr. Ouerdoo ? Bridget , call hither my Adam . IVS. How ? WHI. Dy very owne wi●e , i'fait , worshipfull Adam . OVER. Will not my Adam come at mee ? shall I see him no more then ? QVA. Sir , why doe you not goe on with the enormity ? are you opprest with it ? I 'le helpe you : harke you Sir , i' your eare , your Innocent young man , you haue tane such care of , all this day , is a Cutpurse ; that hath got all your brother Cokes his things , and help'd you to your beating , and the stocks ; if you haue a minde to hang him now , and shew him your Magistrates wit , you may ▪ but I should think it were better , recouering the goods , and to saue your estimation in him . I thank you Sr. for the gift of your Ward , Mrs . Grace : look you , here is your hand & seale , by the way . Mr. Win-wife giue you ioy , you are Palemon , you are possest o' the Gentlewoman , but she must pay me value , here 's warrant for it . And honest mad-man , there 's thy gowne , and cap againe ; I thanke thee for my wife . Nay , I can be mad , sweet heart , when I please , still ; neuer feare me : To the widdow . And carefull Numps , where 's he ? I thanke him for my licence . WAS. Waspe misseth the Licence . How ! QVA. 'T is true , Numps . WAS. I 'll be hang'd then . QVA. Loke i' your boxe , Numps , nay , Sir , stand not you fixt here , like a stake in Finsbury to be shot at , or the whipping post i' the Fayre , but get your wife out o' the ayre , it wil make her worse else ; and remember you are but Adam , Flesh , and blood ! you haue your frailty , forget your other name of Ouerdoo , and inuite vs all to supper . There you and I will compare our discoueries ; and drowne the memory of all enormity in your bigg'st bowle at home . COK. How now , Numps , ha' you lost it ? I warrant , 't was when thou wert i' the stocks : why dost not speake ? WAS. I will neuer speak while I liue , againe , for ought I know . IVS. Nay , Humphrey , if I be patient , you must be so too ; this pleasant conceited Gentleman hath wrought vpon my iudgement , and preuail'd : I pray you take care of your sicke friend , Mistresse Alice , and my good friends all — QVA. And no enormities . IVS. I inuite you home , with mee to my house , to supper : I will haue none feare to go along , for my intents are Ad correctionem , non ad destructionem ; Ad aedificandum , non ad diruendum : so lead on . COK. Yes , and bring the Actors along , wee 'll ha' the rest o' the Play at home . The end . The EPILOGVE . YOur Maiesty hath seene the Play , and you can best allow it from your care , and view . You know the scope of Writers , and what store , of leaue is giuen them , if they take not more , And turne it into licence : you can tell if we haue vs'd that leaue you gaue vs , well ▪ Or whether wee to rage , or licence breake , or be prophane , or make prophane men speake ? This is your power to iudge ( great Sir ) and not the enuy of a few . Which if wee haue got , Wee value lesse what their dislike can bring , if it so happy be , t' haue pleas'd the King. THE DIUELL IS AN ASSE : A COMEDIE ACTED IN THE YEARE , 1616. BY HIS MAIESTIES SERVANTS . The Author BEN : IONSON . HOR. de ART . POET. Ficta voluptatis Causâ , sint proxima veris. LONDON , Printed by I. B. for ROBERT ALLOT , and are to be sold at the signe of the Beare , in Pauls Church-yard . 1631. THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY . SATAN . The great diuell . PVG. The lesse diuell . INIQVITY . The Vice. FITZ-DOTTRELL . A Squire of Norfolk . Mistresse FRANCES . His wife . MEERE-CRAFT . The Proiector . EVERILL . His champion . WITTIPOL· A young Gallant . MANLY. His friend . INGINE. A Broaker . TRAINES . The Proiectors man. GVILT-HEAD . A Gold-smith . PLVTARCHVS . His sonne . Sir POVLE EITHER-SIDE . A Lawyer , and Iustice. Lady EITHER-SIDE . His wife . Lady TAILE-BVSH . The Lady Proiectresse . PIT-FALL . Her woman . AMBLER . Her Gentleman vsher . SLEDGE . A Smith , the Constable . SHACKLES . Keeper of Newgate . SERIEANTS . The Scene , LONDON . The Prologue . THe DIVELL is an ASSE . That is , to day , The name of what you are met for , a new Play ▪ Yet Grandee's , would you were not come to grace Our matter , with allowing vs no place . Though you presume SATAN a subtill thing , And may haue heard hee 's worne in a thumbe-ring ; Doe not on these presumptions , force vs act , Incompasse of a cheese-trencher . This tract Will ne'er admit our vice , because of yours . Anone , who , worse then you , the fault endures That your selues make ? when you will thrust and spurne , And knocke vs o' the elbowes , and hid , turne ; As if , when wee had spoke , wee must be gone , Or , till wee speake , must all runne in , to one , Like the young adders , at the old ones mouth ? Would wee could stand due North ; or had no South , If that offend : or were Muscouy glasse , That you might looke our Scenes through as they passe . We know not how to affect you . If you 'll come To see new Playes , pray you affoord vs roome , And shew this , but the same face you ha●e done Your deare delight , the Diuell of Edmunton . Or , if , for want of roome it must mis-carry , 'T will be but Iustice , that your censure tarry , Till you giue some . And when sixe times you ha' seen 't , If this Play doe not like , the Diuell is in 't . THE DIVELL IS AN ASSE . ACT. I. SCENE . I. DIVELL . PVG. INIQVITY . HOh , hoh , hoh , hoh , hoh , hoh , hoh , hoh , &c. To earth ? and why to earth , thou foolish Spirit ? What wold'st thou do on earth ? PVG. For that , great Chiefe ! As time shal work , I do but ask my mon'th . Which euery petty pui'nee Diuell has ; Within that terme , the Coutt of Hell will heare Something , may gaine a longer grant , perhaps . SAT. For what ? the laming a poore Cow , or two ? Entring a Sow , to make her cast her farrow ? Or crossing of a Mercat●womans Mare , 'Twixt this and Totnam ? these were wont to be Your maine atchieuements , Pug , you haue some plot , now , Vpon a ronning of Ale , to stale the yest , Or keepe the churne so , that the butter come not ; Spight o' the housewiues cord , or her hot spit ? Or some good Ribibe , about Kentish Towne , Or Hogsden , you would hang now , for a witch , Because shee will not let you play round Robbin : And you 'll goe sowre the Cittiens Creame 'gainst Sunday ? That shee may be accus'd for 't , and condemn'd , By a Middlesex Iury , to the satisfaction Of their offended friends , the Londoners wiues Whose teeth were set on edge with it ? Foolish feind , Stay i' your place , know your owne strengths , and put not Beyond the spheare of your actiuity . You are too dull a Diuell to be trusted Forth in those parts , Pug , vpon any affayre That may concerne our name , on earth . It is not Euery ones worke . The state of Hell must care Whom it imployes , in point of reputation , Heere about London . You would make , ● thinke An Agent , to be sent , for Lancashire , Proper inough ; or some parts of Northumberland , So yo' had good instructions , Pug. PVG. O Chiefe ! You doe not know , deare Chiefe , what there is in mee . Proue me but for a fortnight , for a weeke , And lend mee but a Vice , to carry with mee , To practice there-with any play-fellow , And , you will see , there will come more vpon 't , Then you 'll imagine , pretious Chiefe . SAT. What Vice ? What kind wouldst th'haue it of ? PVG. Why , any Fraud ; Or Couetousnesse ; or Lady Vanity ; Or old Iniquity : I 'll call him hither . INI. What is he , calls vpon me , and would seeme to lack a Vice ▪ Ere his words be halfe spoken , I am with him in a trice ; Here , there , and euery where , as the Cat is with the mice : True vetus Iniquitas . Lack'st thou Cards , friend , or Dice ? I will teach thee cheate , Child , to cog , lye , and swagger , And euer and anon , to be drawing forth thy dagger : To sweare by Gogs-nownes , like a lusty Inuentus , In a cloake to thy heele , and a hat like a pent-house . Thy breeches of three fingers , and thy doublet all belly , With a Wench that shall feede thee , with cock-stones and gelly . PVG. Is it not excellent , Chiefe ? how nimble he is ! INI. Child of hell , this is nothing ! I will fetch thee a leape From the top of Pauls-steeple , to the Standard in Cheepe : And lead thee a daunce , through the streets without faile , Like a needle of Spaine , with a thred at my tayle . We will suruay the Suburbs , and make forth our sallyes , Downe Petticoate-lane , and vp the Smock-allies , To Shoreditch , Whitechappell , and so to Saint Kathernes . To drinke with the Dutch there , and take forth their patternes : From thence , wee will put in at Custome-house key there , And see , how the Factors , and Prentizes play there , False with their Masters ; and gueld many a full packe , To spend it in pies , at the Dagger , and the Wool●sacke . PVG. Braue , braue , Iniquity ! will not this doe , Chiefe ? INI. Nay ▪ boy , I wil bring thee to the Bawds , and the Roysters , At Belins gate , feasting with claret-wine , and oysters , From thence shoot the Bridge , childe , to the Cranes i' the Vintry , And see , there the gimblets , how they make their entry ! Or , if thou hadst rather , to the Strand downe to ●all , 'Gainst the Lawyers come dabled from Westminster-hall And marke how they cling , with their clyents together , Like Iuie to Oake ; so Veluet to Leather : Ha , boy , I would shew thee . PVG. Rare , rare ! DIV. Peace , dotard , And thou more ignorant thing , that so admir'st . Art thou the spirit thou seem'st ? so poore ? to choose This , for a Vice , t' aduance the cause of Hell , Now ? as Vice stands this present yeere ? Remember , What number it is . Six hundred and sixteene . Had it but beene fiue hundred , though some sixty Aboue ; that 's fifty yeeres agone , and six , ( When euery great man had his Vice stand by him , In his long coat , shaking his wooden dagger ) I could consent , that , then this your graue choice Might haue done that , with his Lord Chiefe , the which Most of his chamber can doe now . But Pug , As the times are , who is it , will receiue you ? What company will you goe to ? or whom mix with ? Where canst thou carry him ? except to Tauernes ? To mount vp on a joynt-stoole , with a Iewes-trumpe , To put downe Cokeley , and that must be to Citizens ? He ne're will be admitted , there , where Vennor comes . Hee may perchance , in taile of a Sheriffes dinner , Skip with a rime o' the Table , from New-nothing , And take his Almaine-leape into a custard , Shall make my Lad Maioresse , and her sisters , Laugh all their hoods ouer their shoulders . But , This is not that will doe , they are other things That are receiu'd now vpon earth , for Vices ; Stranger , and newer : and chang'd euery houre . They ride 'hem like their horses off their legges , And here they come to Hell , whole legions of 'hem , Euery weeke tyr'd . Wee , still striue to breed , And reare 'hem vp new ones ; but they doe not stand , When they come there : they turne 'hem on our hands . And it is fear'd they haue a stud o' their owne Will put downe ours . Both our breed , and trade VVill suddenly decay , if we preuent not . Vnlesse it be a Vice of quality , Or fashion , now , they take none from vs. Car-men Are got into the yellow starch , and Chimney-sweepers To their tabacco , and strong-waters , Hum , Meath , and Obarni . VVe must therefore ayme At extraordinary subtill ones , now , VVhen we doe send to keepe vs vp in credit . Not old Iniquities . Get you e'ne backe , Sir , To making of your rope of sand againe . You are not for the manners , nor the times : They haue their Vices , there , most like to Vertues ; You cannnot know 'hem , apart , by any difference : They weare the same clothes , eate the same meate ▪ Sleepe i' the selfe-same beds , ride i'those coaches . Or very like , foure horses in a coach , As the best men and women . Tissue gownes , Garters and roses , fourescore pound a paire , Embroydred stockings , cut-worke smocks , and shirts , More certaine marks of lechery , now , and pride , Then ere they were of true nobility ! But Pug , since you doe burne with such desire To doe the Common-wealth of Hell some seruice ▪ I am content , assuming of a body , You goe to earth , and visit men , a day . But you must take a body ready made , Pug , I can create you none : nor shall you forme Your selfe an aery one , but become subiect To all impression of the flesh , you take , So farre as humane frailty . So , this morning , There is a handsome Cutpurse hang'd at Tiborne , Whose spirit departed , you may enter his body : For clothes imploy your credit , with the Hangman , Or let our tribe of Brokers furnish you . And , looke , how farre your subtilty can worke Thorow those organs , with that body , spye Amongst mankind , ( you cannot there want vices , And therefore the lesse need to carry 'hem wi' you ) But as you make your soone at nights relation , And we shall find , it merits from the State , You shall haue both trust from vs , and imployment . PVG. Most gracious Chiefe ! DIV. Onely , thus more I bind you , He shewes Fitz-dottrel to him , comming forth . To serue the first man that you meete ; and him I 'le shew you , now : Obserue him . You ' is hee , You shall see , first , after your clothing . Follow him : But once engag'd , there you must stay and fixe ; Not shift , vntill the midnights cocke doe crow . PVG. Any conditions to be gone . DIV. Away , then . ACT. I. SCENE . II. FITZ-DOTTRELL . I , they doe , now , name Bretnor , as before , They talk'd of Gresham , and of Doctor Fore-man , Francklin , and Fiske , and Sauory ( he was in too ) But there 's not one of these , that euer could Yet shew a man the Diuell , in true sort . They haue their christalls , I doe know , and rings , And virgin parchment , and their dead-mens ●culls Their rauens wings , their lights , and pentacles , With characters ; I ha' seene all these . But — Would I might see the Diuell . I would giue A hundred o'these pictures , to see him Once out of picture . May I proue a cuckold , ( And that 's the one maine mortall thing I feare ) If I beginne not , now , to thinke , the Painters Haue onely made him . 'Slight , he would be seene , One time or other else . He would not let An ancient gentleman , of a good house , As most are now in England , the Fitz-dottrel's , Runne wilde , and call vpon him thus in vaine , As I ha' done this twelue mone'th . If he be not , At all , why , are there Coniurers ? If they be not , Why , are there lawes against ' hem ? The best artists Of Cambridge , Oxford , Middlesex , and London , Essex , and Kent , I haue had in pay to raise him , These fifty weekes , and yet h' appeares not . 'Sdeath , I shall suspect , they , can make circles onely Shortly , and know but his hard names . They doe say , H 'will meet a man ( of himselfe ) that has a mind to him . If hee would so , I haue a minde and a halfe for him : He should not be long absent . Pray thee , come I long for thee . An' I were with child by him , And my wife , too ; I could not more . Come , yet , Good Beelezebub . Were hee a kinde diuell , And had humanity in him , hee would come , but To saue ones longing . I should vse him well , I sweare , and with respect ( would he would try mee ) Not , as the Conjurers doe , when they ha' rais'd him . Get him in bonds , and send him post , on errands . A thousand miles , it is preposterous , that : And I beleeue , is the true cause he comes not . And hee has reason . Who would be engag'd , That might liue freely , as he may doe ? I sweare , They are wrong all . The burn't child dreads the fire . They doe not know to entertaine the Diuell . I would so welcome him , obserue his diet , Get him his chamber hung with arras , two of ●hem , I' my own house ; lend him my wiues wrought pillowes : And as I am an honest man , I thinke , If he had a minde to her , too ; I should grant him , To make our friend-ship perfect . So I would not To euery man. If hee but heare me , now ? And should come to mee in a braue young shape , And take me at my word ? ha ! Who is this ? ACT. I. SCENE . IIJ. PVG. FITZ-DOTTRELL . SIR , your good pardon , that I thus presume Vpon your priuacy . I am borne a Gentleman , A younger brother ; but , in some disgrace , Now , with my friends : and want some little meanes , To keepe me vpright , while things be reconcil'd . Please you , to let my seruice be of vse to you , Sir. FIT. Seruice ? 'fore hell , my heart was at my mouth ▪ Hee lookes and suruay's his feet : ouer and ouer . Till I had view'd his shooes well : for , those roses Were bigge inough to hide a clouen foote . No , friend , my number 's full . I haue one seruant , Who is my all , indeed ; and , from the broome Vnto the brush : for , iust so farre , I trust him . He is my Ward-robe man , my Cater , Cooke , Butler , and Steward ; lookes vnto my horse : And helpes to watch my wife . H' has all the places , That I can thinke on , from the garret downward , E'en to the manger , and the curry-combe . PVG. Sir , I shall put your worship to no charge , More then my meate , and that but very little , I 'le serue you for your loue . FIT. Ha ? without wages ? I 'le harken o'th at eare , were I at leasure . But now , I 'm busie . ' Pr'y the , friend forbeare mee , And ' thou hadst beene a Diuell , I should say Somewhat more to thee . Thou dost hinder , now , My meditations . PVG. Sir , I am a Diuell . FIT. How ! PVG. A true Diuell , Sr. FIT. Nay , now , you ly : Vnder your fauour , friend , for , I 'll not quarrell . I look'd o' your feet , afore , you cannot coozen mee , Your shoo 's not clouen , Sir , you are whole hoof'd . He viewes his feete againe . PVG. Sir , that 's a popular error , deceiues many : But I am that , I tell you . FIT. What 's your name ? PVG. My name is Diuell , Sr. FIT. Sai'st thou true . PVG. Indeed , Sr. FIT. ' Slid ! there 's some omen i'th is ! what countryman ? PVG. Of Derby-shire , Sr. about the Peake . FIT. That Hole Belong'd to your Ancestors ? PVG. Yes , Diuells arse , Sr. FIT. I 'll entertaine him for the name sake . Ha ? And turne away my tother man ? and saue Foure pound a yeere by that ? there 's lucke , and thrift too ! The very Diuell may come , heereafter , as well . Friend , I receiue you : but ( withall ) I acquaint you , Aforehand , if yo' offend mee , I must beat you . It is a kinde of exercise , I vse . And cannot be without . PVG. Yes , if I doe not Offend , you can , sure . FIT. Faith , Diuell , very hardly : I 'll call you by your surname , 'cause I loue it . ACT. I. SCENE . IIII. INGINE. VVITTIPOL . MANLY. FITZDOTTRELL . PVG. YOnder hee walkes , Sir , I 'll goe lift him for you . WIT. To him , good Ingine , raise him vp by degrees , Gently , and hold him there too , you can doe it . Shew your selfe now , a Mathematicall broker . ING . I 'll warrant you for halfe a piece . WIT. 'T is done , Sr. MAN. Is 't possible there should be such a man ? WIT. You shall be your owne witnesse , I 'll not labour To tempt you past your faith . MAN. And is his wife So very handsome , say you ? WIT. I ha' not seene her , Since I came home from trauell : and they say , Shee is not alter'd . Then , before I went , I saw her once ; but so , as shee hath stuck Still i' my view , no obiect hath remou'd her . MAN. 'T is a faire guest , Friend , beauty : and once lodg'd Deepe in the eyes , shee hardly leaues the Inne . How do's he keepe her ? WIT. Very braue . Howeuer , Himselfe be sordide , hee is sensuall that way . In euery dressing , hee do's study her . MAN. And furnish forth himselfe so from the Brokers ? WIT. Yes , that 's a hyr'd suite , hee now has one , To see the Diuell is an Asse , to day , in ▪ ( This Ingine gets three or foure pound a weeke by him ) He dares not misse a new Play , or a Feast , What rate soeuer clothes be at ; and thinkes Himselfe still new , in other mens old . MAN. But stay , Do's he loue meat so ? WIT. Faith he do's not hate it . But that 's not it . His belly and his palate Would be compounded with for reason . Mary , A wit he has , of that strange credit with him , 'Gainst all mankinde ; as it doth make him doe Iust what it list : it rauishes him forth , Whither it please , to any assembly'or place , And would conclude him ruin'd , should hee scape One publike meeting , out of the beliefe He has of his owne great , and Catholike strengths , In arguing , and discourse . It takes , I see : ●'has got the cloak vpon him . FIT. A faire garment , By my faith , Ingine ! ING . It was neuer made , Sir , For three score pound , I assure you : 'T will yeeld thirty . The plush , Sir , cost three pound , ten shillings a yard ! And then the lace , and veluet . FIT. I shall , Ingine , Be look'd at , pretitly , in it ! Art thou sure The Play is play'd to day ? ING . ô here 's the bill , Sr. Hee giues him the Play-bill . I' , had forgot to gi 't you . FIT. Ha ? the Diuell ! I will not lose you , Sirah ! But , Ingine , thinke you , The Gallant is so furious in his folly ? So mad vpon the matter , that hee 'll part With 's cloake vpo'these termes ? ING . Trust not your Ingine , Breake me to pieces else , as you would doe A rotten Crane , or an old rusty Iacke , That has not one true wheele in him . Doe but talke with him . FIT. I shall doe that , to satisfie you , Ingine , And my selfe too . With your leaue , Gentlemen . Hee turnes to Wittipol . Which of you is it , is so meere Idolater To my wiues beauty , and so very prodigall Vnto my patience , that , for the short parlee ? Of one swift houres quarter , with my wife , He will depart with ( let mee see ) this cloake here The price of folly ? Sir , are you the man ? WIT. I am that vent'rer , Sir. FIT. Good time ! your name Is Witty-pol ? WIT. The same , Sr. FIT. And 't is told me , Yo' haue trauell'd lately ? WIT. That I haue , Sr. FIT. Truly , Your trauells may haue alter'd your complexion ; But sure , your wit stood still . WIT. It may well be , Sir. All heads ha'not like growth . FIT. The good mans grauity , That left you land , your father , neuer taught you These pleasant matches ? WIT. No , nor can his mirth , With whom I make 'hem , put me off . FIT. You are Resolu'd then ? WIT. Yes , Sr. FIT. Beauty is the Saint , You 'll sacrifice your selfe , into the shirt too ? WIT. So I may still cloth , and keepe warme your wisdome ? FIT. You lade me Sr ! WIT. I know what you wil beare , Sr. FIT. Well , to the point . 'T is only , Sir , you say , To speake vnto my wife ? WIT. Only , to speake to her . FIT. And in my presence ? WIT. In your very presence . FIT. And in my hearing ? WIT. In your hearing : so , You interrupt vs not . FIT. For the short space You doe demand , the fourth part of an houre , I thinke I shall , with some conuenient study , Hee shrugs himselfe vp in the cloake . And this good helpe to boot , bring my selfe to 't . WIT. I aske no more . FIT. Please you , walk to'ard my house , Speake what you list ; that time is yours : My right I haue departed with . But , not beyond , A minute , or a second , looke for . Length , And drawing out , ma'aduance much , to these matches . And I except all kissing . Kisses are Silent petitions still with willing Louers . WIT. Louers ? How falls that o' your phantsie ? FIT. Sir. I doe know somewhat , I forbid all lip-worke . WIT. I am not eager at forbidden dainties . Who couets vnfit things , denies him selfe . FIT. You say well , Sir , 'T was prettily said , that same , He do's , indeed . I 'll haue no touches , therefore , Nor takings by the armes , nor tender circles Cast 'bout the wast , but all be done at distance . Loue is brought vp with those soft migniard handlings ; His pulse lies in his palme : and I defend All melting ioynts , and fingers , ( that 's my bargaine ) I doe defend 'hem ; any thing like action . But talke , Sir , what you will. Vse all the Tropes And Schemes , that Prince Quintilian can afford you : And much good do your Rhetoriques heart . You are welcome , Sir. Ingine , God b'w'you . WIT. Sir , I must condition To haue this Gentleman by , a witnesse . FIT. Well , I am content , so he be silent . MAN. Yes , Sir. FIT. Come Diuell , I 'll make you roome , streight . But I 'll shew you First , to your Mistresse , who 's no common one , You must conceiue , that brings this gaine to see her . I hope thou 'st brought me good lucke . PVG. I shall do 't . Sir. ACT. I. SCENE . V. VVITTIPOL . MANLY. INgine , you hope o' your halfe piece ? 'T is there , Sir. Wittipol knocks his friend o' the brest . Be gone . Friend Manly , who 's within here ? fixed ? MAN. I am directly in a fit of wonder what 'll be the issue of this conference ! WIT. For that , ne'r vex your selfe , till the euent . How like yo'him ? MAN. I would faine see more of him . WIT. What thinke you of this ? MAN. I am past degrees of thinking . Old Africk , and the new America , With all their fruite of Monsters cannot shew So iust a prodigie . WIT. Could you haue beleeu'd , Without your sight , a minde so sordide inward , Should be so specious , and layd forth abroad , To all the shew , that euer shop , or ware was ? MAN. I beleeue any thing now , though I confesse His Vices are the most extremities I euer knew in nature . But , why loues hee The Diuell so ? WIT. O Sr ! for hidden treasure , Hee hopes to finde : and has propos'd himselfe So infinite a Masse , as to recouer , He cares not what he parts with , of the present , To his men of Art , who are the race , may coyne him . Promise gold-mountaines , and the couetous Are still most prodigall . MAN. But ha' you faith , That he will hold his bargaine ? WIT. O deare , Sir ! He will not off on 't . Feare him not . I know him ▪ One basenesse still accompanies another . See! he is heere already , and his wife too . MAN. A wondrous handsome creature , as I liue ! ACT. I. SCENE . VI. FITZ-DOTTRELL . Mistresse FITZ-DOTTREL . WITTIPOL . MANLY. COme wife , this is the Gentleman . Nay , blush not . Mrs . FI. Why , what do you meane Sir ? ha'you your reason ? FIT. Wife , I do not know , that I haue lent it forth To any one ; at least , without a pawne , wife : Or that I'haue eat or drunke the thing , of late , That should corrupt it . Wherefore gentle wife , Obey , it is thy vertue : hold no acts Of disputation . Mrs . FI. Are you not enough The talke , of feasts , and meetingy , but you 'll still Make argument for fresh ? FIT. Why , carefull wedlocke , If I haue haue a longing to haue one tale more Goe of mee , what is that to thee , deare heart ? Why shouldst thou enuy my delight ? or crosse it ? By being solicitous , when it not concernes thee ? Mrs . FI. Yes , I haue share in this The scorne will fall As bittterly on me , where both are laught at . FIT. Laught at , sweet bird ? is that the scruple ? Come , come , Thou art a Niaise . Which of your great houses , ( I will not meane at home , here , but abroad ) Your families in France , wife , send not forth Something , within the seuen yeere , may be laught at ? I doe not say seuen moneths , nor seuen weekes , Nor seuen daies , nor houres : but seuen yeere wife . I giue 'hem time . Once , within seuen yeere , I thinke they may doe something may be laught at . In France , I keepe me there , still . Wherefore , wife , Let them that list , laugh still , rather then weepe For me ; Heere is a cloake cost fifty pound , wife , Which I can sell for thirty , when I ha' seene All London in 't , and London has seene mee . To day , I goe to the Black fryers Play-house , Sit i the view , salute all my acquaintance , Rise vp betweene the Acts , let fall my cloake , Publish a handsome man , and a rich suite ( As that 's a speciall end , why we goe thither , All that pretend , to stand for 't o' the Stage ) The Ladies aske who 's that ? ( For , they doe come To see vs , Loue , as wee doe to see them ) Now , I shall lose all this , for the false feare Of being laught at ? Yes , wusse . Let 'hem laugh , wife , Let me haue such another cloake to morrow . And let 'hem laugh againe , wife , and againe , And then grow fat with laughing , and then fatter , All my young Gallants , let 'hem bring their friends too : Shall I forbid ' hem ? No , let heauen forbid 'hem : Or wit , if 't haue any charge on ' hem . Come , thy eate , wife , Is all , I 'll borrow of thee . Set your watch , Sir , Thou , onely art to heare , not speake a word , Doue , To ought he sayes . That I doe gi'you in precept , No lesse then councell , on your wiue-hood , wife , Not though he flatter you , or make court , or Loue , ( As you must looke for these ) or say , he raile ; What ere his arts be , wife , I will haue thee Delude 'hem with a trick , thy obstinate silence ; I know aduantages ; and I loue to hit These pragmaticke young men , at their owne weapons . He disposes his wife to his place , and sets his watch . Is your watch ready ? Here my saile beares , for you ▪ Tack toward him , sweet Pinnace , where 's your watch ? WIT. I 'le set it , Sir , with yours . Mrs . FI. I must obey . MAN. Her modesty seemes to suffer with her beauty , And so , as if his folly were away , It were worth pitty . FIT. Now , th'a●e right , beginne , Sir. But first , let me repeat the contract , briefely . I am , Sir , to inioy this cloake , I stand in , Freely , and as your gift ; vpon condition You may as freely , speake here to my spouse , Your quarter of an houre alwaies keeping The measur'd distance of your yard , or more , From my said Spouse : and in my sight and hearing . This is your couenant ? WIT. Yes , but you 'll allow For this time spent , now ? FIT. Set 'hem so much backe . WIT. I thinke , I shall not need it . FIT. Well , begin , Sir , There is your bound , Sir. Not beyond that rush . WIT. If you interrupt me , Sir , I shall discloake you . The time I haue purchast , Lady , is but short ; And , therefore , if I imploy it thriftily , I hope I stand the neerer to my pardon . I am not here , to tell you , you are faire , Or louely , or how well you dresse you , Lady , I 'll saue my selfe that eloquence of your glasse , Which can speake these things better to you then I. And 't is a knowledge , wherein fooles may be As wise as a Court Parliament . Nor come I , With any preiudice , or doubt , that you Should , to the notice of your owne worth , neede Least reuelation . Shee 's a simple woman , Know's not her good : ( who euer knowes her ill ) And at all caracts . That you are the wife , To so much blasted flesh , as scarce hath soule , In stead of salt , to keepe it sweete ; I thinke , Will aske no witnesses , to proue . The cold Sheetes that you lie in , with the watching candle , That sees , how dull to any thaw of beauty , Pieces , and quarters , halfe , and whole nights , sometimes , The Diuell-giuen Elfine Squire , your husband , Doth leaue you , quitting heere his proper circle , For a much-worse i' the walks of Lincolnes Inne , Vnder the Elmes , t' expect the feind in vaine , there Will confesse for you . FIT. I did looke for this geere . WIT. And what a daughter of darknesse , he do's make you , Lock'd vp from all society , or object ; Your eye not let to looke vpon a face , Vnder a Conjurers ( or some mould for one , Hollow , and leane like his ) but , by great meanes , As I now make ; your owne too sensible sufferings , Without the extraordinary aydes , Of spells , or spirits , may assure you , Lady . For my part , I protest 'gainst all such practice , I worke by no false arts , medicines , or charmes To be said forward and backward . FIT. No , I except : WIT. Sir I shall ease you . FIT. Mum. WIT. Nor haue I ends , Lady , He offers to discloake him . Vpon you , more then this : to tell you how Loue Beauties good Angell , he that waits vpon her At all occasions , and no lesse then Fortune , Helps th'aduenturous , in mee makes that proffer , Which neuer faire one was so fond , to lose ; Who could but reach a hand forth to her freedome . On the first sight , I lou'd you : since which time , Though I haue trauell'd , I haue beene in trauell More for this second blessing of your eyes Which now I' haue purchas'd , then for all aymes else . Thinke of it , Lady , be your minde as actiue , As is your beauty : view your object well . Examine both my fashion , and my yeeres Things , that are like , are soone familiar : And Nature ioyes , still in equality . Let not the signe o' the husband fright you , Lady . But ere your spring be gone , inioy it . Flowers , Though faire , are oft but of one morning . Thinke , All beauty doth not last vntill the autumne . You grow old , while I tell you this . And such , As cannot vse the present , are not wise . If Loue and Fortune will take care of vs , Why ●should our will be wanting ? This is all . Wha doe you answer , Lady ? FIT. Now , the sport comes . Shee stands mute . Let him still waite , waite , waite : while the watch goes , And the time runs . Wife ! WIT. How ! not any word ? Nay , then , I taste a tricke in 't . Worthy Lady , I cannot be so false to mine owne thoughts Of your presumed goodnesse , to conceiue This , as your rudenesse , which I see 's impos'd . Yet , since your cautelous Iaylor , here stands by you , And yo' are deni'd the liberty o' the house , Let me take warrant , Lady , from your silence , ( Which euer is interpreted consent ) To make your answer for you : which shall be To as good purpose , as I can imagine , And what I thinke you 'ld speake . FIT. No , no , no , no. WIT. He sets Mr. Manly , his friend in her place . I shall resume , Sr. MAN. Sir , what doe you meane ? WIT. One interruption more , Sir , and you goe Into your hose and doublet , nothing saues you . And therefore harken . This is for your wife . MAN. You mus● play faire , Sr. WIT. Stand for mee , good friend . Troth , Sir , t is more then true , that you haue vttred And speaks for her . Of my vnequall , and so sordide match heere , With all the circumstances of my bondage . I haue a husband , and a two-legg'd one , But such a moon-ling , as no wit of man Or roses can redeeme from being an Asse . H 'is growne too much , the story of mens mouthes , To scape his lading : should I make 't my study , And lay all wayes , yea , call mankind to helpe , To take his burden off , why , this one act Of his , to let his wife out to be courted , And , at a price , proclaimes his asinine nature So lowd , as I am weary of my title to him . But Sir , you seeme a Gentleman of vertue , No lesse then blood ; and one that euery way Lookes as he were of too good quality , To intrap a credulous woman , or betray her : Since you haue payd thus deare , Sir , for a visit , And made such venter , on your wit , and charge Meerely to see mee , or at most to speake to mee , I were too stupid ; or ( what 's worse ) ingrate Not to returne your venter . Thinke , but how , I may with safety doe it ; I shall trust My loue and honour to you , and presume ▪ You 'll euer husband both , against this husband ; Who , if we chance to change his liberall eares , To other ensignes , and with labour make A new beast of him , as hee shall deserue , Cannot complaine , hee is vnkindly dealth with . This day hee is to goe to a new play , Sir. From whence no feare , no , nor authority , Scarcely the Kings command , Sir , will restraine him , Now you haue fitted him with a Stage-garment , For the meere names sake , were there nothing else : And many more such iourneyes , hee will make . Whieh , if they now , or , any time heereafter , Offer vs opportunity , you heare , Sir , who 'll be as glad , and forward to imbrace , Hee shifts to his owne place againe Meete , and enioy it chearefully as you . I humbly thanke you , Lady . FIT. Keepe your ground Sir. WIT. Will you be lightned ? FIT. Mum. WIT. And but I am , By the sad contract , thus to take my leaue of you At this so enuious distance , I had taught Our lips ere this , to seale the happy mixture Made of our soules . But we must both , now , yeeld To the necessity . Doe not thinke yet , Lady , But I can kisse , and touch , and laugh , and whisper , And doe those crowning court-ships too , for which Day , and the publike haue allow'd no name But , now , my bargaine binds me . 'T were rude iniury , T' importune more , or vrge a noble nature , To what of it's owne bounty it is prone to : Else , I should speake — But , Lady , I loue so well , As I will hope , you 'll doe so to . I haue done , Sir. FIT. Well , then , I ha' won ? WIT. Sir , And I may win , too . FIT. O yes ! no doubt on 't . I 'll take carefull order , That shee shall hang forth ensignes at the window , To tell you when I am absent . Or I 'll keepe Three or foure foote-men , ready still of purpose , To runne and fetch you , at her longings , Sir. I 'll goe bespeake me straight a guilt caroch , For her and you to take the ayre in . Yes , Into Hide-parke , and thence into Black-Fryers , Visit the painters , where you may see pictures , And note the properest limbs , and how to make ' hem . Or what doe you say vnto a middling Gossip ? To bring you aye together , at her lodging ? Vnder pretext of teaching o' my wife Some rare receit of drawing almond milke ? ha ? It shall be a part of my care . Good Sir , God b'w'you . I ha' kept the contract , and the cloake is mine . WIT. Why , much good do 't you Sr ; it may fall out , That you ha' bought it deare , though I ha' not sold it . FIT. A pretty riddle ! Fare you well , good Sir. Hee turnes his wife about . W●●e , your face this way , looke on me : and thinke Yo'haue had a wicked dreame , wife , and forget it . MAN. This is the strangest motion I ere saw . FIT. Now , wife , sits this faire cloake the worse vpon me , For my great sufferings , or your little patience ? ha ? They laugh , you thinke ? Mrs . FI. Why Sr. and you might see 't . What thought , they haue of you , may be soone collected By the young Genlemans speache . FIT. Young Gentleman ? Death ! you are in loue with him , are you ? could he not Be nam'd the Gentleman , without the young ? Vp to your Cabbin againe . Mrs . FI My cage , yo' were best To call it ? FIT. Yes , sing there . You 'ld faine be making Blanck Manger with him at your mothers ! I know you . Goe get you vp . How now ! what say you , Diuell ? ACT. I. SCENE . VII . PVG. FITZDOTTREL . INGINE. HEere is one Ingine , Sir , desires to speake with you . FIT. I thought he brought some newes , of a broker ! Well , Let him come in , good Diuell : fetch him else . O , my fine Ingine ! what 's th' affaire ? more cheats ? ING . No Sir , the Wit , the Braine , the great Proiector , I told you of , is newly come to towne . FIT. Where , Ingine ? ING . I ha' brought him ( H 'is without ) Ere hee pull'd off his boots , Sir , but so follow'd , For businesses : FIT. But what is a Proiector ? I would conceiue . ING . Why , one Sir , that proiects Wayes to enrich men , or to make 'hem great , By suites , by marriages , by vndertakings : According as hee sees they humour it . FIT. Can hee not coniure at all ? ING . I thinke he can , Sir. ( To tell you true ) but , you doe know , of late , The State hath tane such note of 'hem , and compell'd 'hem , To enter such great bonds , they dare not practice . FIT. 'T is true , and I lie fallow for 't , the while ! ING . O , Sir ! you 'll grow the richer for the rest . FIT. I hope I shall : but Ingine , you doe talke Somewhat too much , o' my courses . My Cloake-customer Could tell mee strange particulars . ING . By my meanes ? FIT. How should he haue 'hem else ? ING . You do not know , Sr , What he has : and by what arts ! A monei'd man , Sir , And is as great with your Almanack-Men , as you are ! FIT. That Gallant ? ING . You make the other wait too long , here : And hee is extreme punctuall . FIT. Is he a gallant ? ING . Sir , you shall see : He 'is in his riding suit , As hee comes now from Court. But heere him speake : Minister matter to him , and then tell mee . ACT. IJ. SCENE . I. MEER-CRAFT . FITZ-DOTTREL . INGINE. TRAINES . PVG. SIr , money 's a whore , a bawd , a drudge ; Fit to runne out on errands : Let her goe . Via pecunia ! when she 's runne and gone , And fled and dead ; then will I fetch her , againe , With Aqua-vitae , out of an old Hogs-head ! While there are lees of wine , or dregs of beere , I 'le neuer want her ! Coyne her out of cobwebs , Dust , but I 'll haue her ! Raise wooll vpon egge-shells , Sir , and make grasse grow out o' marro-bones . To make her come . ( Commend mee to your Mistresse , Say , let the thousand pound but be had ready , To a waiter . And it is done ) I would but see the creature ( Of flesh , and blood ) the man , the prince , indeed , That could imploy so many millions As I would help him to . FIT. How , talks he ? millions ? MER. ( I 'll giue you an account of this to morrow . ) Yes , I will talke no lesse , and doe it too ; To another . If they were Myriades : and without the Diuell , By direct meanes , it shall be good in law . ING . Sir. MER. To a third . Tell Mr. Wood cock , I 'll not faile to meet him Vpon th' Exchange at night . Pray him to haue The writings there , and wee 'll dispatch it . Sir , You are a Gentleman of a good presence , He turnes to Fitz-dottrel . A handsome man ( I haue considered you ) As a fit stocke to graft honours vpon : I haue a proiect to make you a Duke , now . That you must be one , within so many moneths , As I set downe , out of true reason of state , You sha' not auoyd it . But you must harken , then . ING . Harken ? why Sr , do you doubt his eares ? Alas ! You doe not know Master Fitz-dottrel . FIT. He do's not know me indeed . I thank you , Ingine , He turnes to Ingine . Fo● rectifying him . MER. Good ! Why , Ingine , then I 'le tell it you . ( I see you ha' credit , here , And , that you can keepe counsell , I 'll not question . ) Hee shall but be an vndertaker with mee , In a most feasible bus'nesse . It shall cost him Nothing . ING . Good , Sr. MER ▪ Except he please , but 's count'nance ; ( That I will haue ) t' appeare in 't , to great men , For which I 'll make him one . Hee shall not draw A string of 's purse . I 'll driue his pattent for him . We 'll take in Cittizens , Commoners , and Aldermen , To beare the charge , and blow 'hem off againe , Like so many dead flyes , when 't is carryed . The thing is for recouery of drown'd land , Whereof the Crowne 's to haue his moiety , If it be owner ; Else , the Crowne and Owners To share that moyety : and the recouerers T' enioy the tother moyety , for their charge . ING . Thorowout England ? MER. Yes , which will arise To eyghteene millions , seuen the first yeere : I haue computed all , and made my suruay Vnto an acre . I 'll beginne at the Pan , Not , at the skirts : as some ha' done , and lost , All that they wrought , their timber-worke , their trench , Their bankes all borne away , or else fill'd vp By the next winter . Tut , they neuer went The way : I 'll haue it all . ING . A gallant tract Of land it is ! MER. 'T will yeeld a pound an acre . Wee must let cheape , euer , at first . But Sir , This lookes too large for you , I see . Come hither , We 'll haue a lesse . Here 's a plain fellow , you see him , Has his black bag of papers , there , in Buckram , Wi'not be sold for th'Earledome of Pancridge : Draw , Gi'me out one , by chance . Proiect. 4. Dog-skinnes ? Twelue thousand pound ! the very worst , at first . FIT. Pray you let 's see 't Sir. MER. 'T is a toy , a trifle ! FIT. Trifle ! 12. thousand pound for dogs-skins ? MER. Yes , But , by my way of dressing , you must know , Sir , And med'cining the leather , to a height Of improu'd ware , like your Borachio Of Spaine , Sir. I can fetch nine thousand for 't — ING . Of the Kings glouer ? MER. Yes , how heard you that ? ING . Sir , I doe know you can . MER. Within this houre : And reserue halfe my secret . Pluck another ; See if thou hast a happier hand : I thought so . Hee pluckes out the 2. Bottle-ale . The very next worse to it ! Bottle-ale . Yet , this is two and twenty thousand ! Pr'y thee Pull out another , two or three . FIT. Good , stay , friend , By bottle-ale , two and twenty thousand pound ? MER. Yes , Sir , it 's cast to penny-hal'penny-farthing , O' the back-side , there you may see it , read , I will not bate a Harrington o' the summe . I 'll winne it i' my water , and my malt , My furnaces , and hanging o' my coppers , The tonning , and the subtilty o' my yest ; And , then the earth of my bottles , which I dig , Turne vp , and steepe , and worke , and neale , my selfe , To a degree of Porc'lane . You will wonder , At my proportions , what I will put vp In seuen yeeres ! for so long time , I aske For my inuention . I will saue in cork , In my mere stop'ling , ' boue three thousand pound , Within that terme : by googing of 'hem out Iust to the size of my bottles , and not slicing . There 's infinite losse i'th at . What hast thou there ? Hee drawes out another . Raisines . O'making wine of raisins : this is in hand , now , ING . Is not that strange , Sr , to make wine of raisins ? MER. Yes , and as true a wine , as th' wines of France , Or Spaine , or Italy , Looke of what grape My raisin is , that wine I 'll render perfect , As of the muscatell grape , I 'll render muscatell ; Of the Canary , his ; the Claret , his ; So of all kinds : and bate you of the prices , Of wine , throughout the kingdome , halfe in halfe . ING . But , how , Sr , if you raise the other commodity , Raysin●s ? MER. Why , then I 'll make it out of black-berries : And it shall doe the same . 'T is but more art , And the charge lesse . Take out another . FIT. No , good Sir. Saue you the trouble , I 'le not looke , nor heare Of any , but your first , there ; the Drown'd-land : If 't will doe , as you say . MER. Sir , there 's not place , To gi'you demonstration of these things . They are a little to subtle . But , I could shew you Such a necessity in 't , as you must be But what you please : against the receiu'd heresie , That England beares no Dukes . Keepe you the land , Sr , The greatnesse of th' estate shall throw 't vpon you . If you like better turning it to money , What may not you , Sr , purchase with that wealth ? Say , you should part with two o' your millions , To be the thing you would , who would not do 't ? As I protest , I will , out of my diuident , Lay , for some pretty principality , In Italy , from the Church ▪ Now , you perhaps , Fancy the smoake of England , rather ? But — Ha' you no priuate roome , Sir , to draw to , T' enlarge our selues more vpon . FIT. O yes , Diuell ! MER. These , Sir , are bus'nesses , aske to be carryed With caution , and in cloud . FIT. I apprehend , They doe so , Sr. Diuell , which way is your Mistresse ? PVG. Aboue , Sr. in her chamber . FIT. O that 's well . Then , this way , good , Sir. MER. I shall follow you ; Traines , Gi'mee the bag , and goe you presently , Commend my seruice to my Lady Tail-bush . Tell her I am come from Court this morning ; say , I' haue got our bus'nesse mou'd , and well : Intreat her , That shee giue you the four-score Angels , and see 'hem Dispos'd of to my Councel , Sir Poul Eytherside . Sometime , to day , I 'll waite vpon her Ladiship , With the relation . ING . Sir , of what dispatch , He is ! Do you marke ? MER. Ingine , when did you see My cousin Euer-ill ? keepes he still your quarter ? I' the Bermudas ? ING . Yes , Sir , he was writing This morning , very hard . MER. Be not you knowne to him , That I am come to Towne : I haue effected A businesse for him , but I would haue it take him , Before he thinks for 't . ING . Is it past ? MER. Not yet . 'T is well o' the way . ING . O Sir ! your worship takes Infinit paines . MER. I loue Friends , to be actiue : A sluggish nature puts off man , and kinde . ING . And such a blessing followes it· MER. I thanke My fate . Pray you let 's be priuate , Sir ? FIT. In , here . MER. Where none may interrupt vs. FIT. You heare , Diuel , Lock the streete-doores fast , and let no one in ( Except they be this Gentlemans followers ) To trouble mee . Doe you marke ? Yo'haue heard and seene Something , to day ; and , by it , you may gather Your Mistresse is a fruite , that 's worth the stealing And therefore worth the watching . Be you sure , now , Yo' haue all your eyes about you ; and let in No lace-woman ; nor bawd , that brings French-masques , And cut-works . See you ? Nor old croanes , with wafers , To conuey letters . Nor no youths , disguis'd Like country-wiues , with creame , and marrow-puddings . Much knauery may be vented in a pudding , Much bawdy intelligence : They' are shrewd ciphers . Nor turne the key to any neyghbours neede ; Be 't but to kindle fire , or begg a little , Put it out , rather : all out , to an ashe , That they may see no smoake . Or water , spill it : Knock o' the empty tubs , that by the sound , They may be forbid entry . Say , wee are robb'd , If any come to borrow a spoone , or so . I wi' not haue good fortune , or gods blessing Let in , while I am busie . PVG. I 'le take care , Sir : They sha' not trouble you , if they would . FIT. Well , doe so . ACT. II. SCENE . II. PVG. Mistresse FITZDOTTRELL . I haue no singular seruice of this , now ? Nor no superlatiue Master ? I shall wish To be in hell againe , at leasure ? Bring , A Vice from thence ? That had bin such a subtilty , As to bring broad-clothes hither : or transport Fresh oranges into Spaine . I finde it , now ; My Chiefe was i' the right . Can any feind Boast of a better Vice , then heere by nature , And art , th' are owners of ? Hell ne'r owne mee , But I am taken ! the fine tract of it Pulls mee along ! To heare men such professors Growne in our subtlest Sciences ! My first Act , now , Shall be , to make this Master of mine cuckold : The primitiue worke of darknesse , I will practise ! I will deserue so well of my faire Mistresse , By my discoueries , first ; my counsells after ; And keeping counsell , after that : as who , So euer , is one , I 'le be another , sure , I 'll ha' my share . Most delicate damn'd flesh ! Shee will be ! O! that I could stay time , now , Midnight will come too fast vpon mee , I feare , Shee sends Diuell out . To cut my pleasure — Mrs . FI. Looke at the back-doore , One knocks , see who it is . PVG. Dainty she-Diuell ! Mrs . FI. I cannot get this venter of the cloake , Out of my fancie ; nor the Gentlemans way , He tooke , which though 't were strange , yet 't was handsome , And had a grace withall , beyond the newnesse . Sure he will thinke mee that dull stupid cre●ture , Hee said , and may conclude it ; if I finde not Some thought to thanke th'attemp . He did presume , By all the carriage of it , on my braine , For answer ; and will sweare 't is very barren , Diuell returnes . If it can yeeld him no returne Who is it ? PVG. Mistresse , it is , but first , let me assure The excellence , of Mistresses , I am , Although my Masters man , my Mistresse slaue , The seruant of her secrets , and sweete turnes , And know , what fitly will conduce to either . Mrs . FI. What 's this ? I pray you come to your selfe and thinke What your part is : to make an answer . Tell , Who is it at the doore ? PVG. The Gentleman , Mrs , Who was at the cloake-charge to speake with you , This morning , who expects onely to take Some small command'ments from you , what you please , Worthy your forme , hee saies , and gentlest manners . Mrs . FI. O! you 'll anon proue his hyr'd man , I feare , What has he giu'n you , for this message ? Sir , Bid him put off his hopes of straw , and leaue To spread his nets , in view , thus . Though they take Master Fitz-dottrel , I am no such foule , Nor faire one , tell him , will be had with stalking . And wish him to for-beare his acting to mee , At the Gentlemans chamber-window in Lincolnes-Inne there , That opens to my gallery : else , I sweare T' acquaint my husband with his folly , and leaue him To the iust rage of his offended iealousie . Or if your Masters sense be not so quicke To right mee , tell him , I shall finde a friend That will repaire mee . Say , I will be quiet . In mine owne house ? Pray you , in those words giue it him . PVG. He goes out . This is some foole turn'd ! Mrs . FI. If he be the Master , Now , of that state and wit , which I allow him ; Sure , hee will vnderstand mee : I durst not Be more direct . For this officious fellow , My husbands new groome , is a spie vpon me , I finde already . Yet , if he but tell him This in my words , hee cannot but conceiue Himselfe both apprehended , and requited . I would not haue him thinke hee met a statue : Or spoke to one , not there , though I were silent . How now ? ha' you told him ? PVG. Yes . Mrs . FI. And what saies he ? PVG. Sayes he ? That which my self would say to you , if I durst . That you are proude , sweet Mistresse ? and with-all , A little ignorant , to entertaine The good that 's proffer'd ; and ( by your beauties leaue ) Not all so wise , as some true politique wife Would be : who hauing match'd with such a Nupson ( I speake it with my Masters peace ) whose face Hath left t' accuse him , now , for 't doth confesse him , What you can make him ; will yet ( out of scruple , And a spic'd conscience ) defraud the poore Gentleman , At least delay him in the thing he longs for , And makes it hs whole study , how to compasse , Onely a title . Could but he write Cuckold , He had his ends . For , looke you — Mrs . FI. This can be None but my husbands wit. PVG. My pretious Mrs . M. FI. It creaks his Ingine : The groome neuer durst Be , else , so saucy — PVG. If it were not clearely , His worshipfull ambition ; and the top of it ; The very forked top too : why should hee Keepe you , thus mur'd vp in a back-roome , Mistresse , Allow you ne'r a casement to the streete , Feare of engendering by the eyes , with gallants , Forbid you paper , pen and inke , like Rats-bane . Search your halfe pint of muscatell , lest a letter Be suncke i' the pot : and hold your new-laid egge Against the fire , lest any charme be writ there ? Will you make benefit of truth , deare Mistresse , If I doe tell it you : I do 't not often ? I am set ouer you , imploy'd , indeed , To watch your steps , your lookes , your very breathings , And to report them to him . Now , if you Will be a true , right , delicate sweete Mistresse , Why , wee will make a Cokes of this Wise Master , We will , my Mistresse , an absolute fine Cokes , And mock , to ayre , all the deepe diligences Of such a solemne , and effectuall Asse , An Asse to so good purpose , as wee 'll vse him . I will contriue it so , that you shall goe To Playes , to Masques , to Meetings , and to Feasts . For , why is all this Rigging , and fine Tackle , Mistris , If you neat handsome vessells , of good sayle , Put not forth euer , and anon , with your nets Abroad into the world . It is your fishing . I here , you shal choose your friends , your seruants , Lady , Your squires of honour ; I 'le conuey your letters , Fetch answers , doe you all the offices , That can belong to your bloud , and beauty . And , For the variety , at my times , although I am not in due symmetrie , the man Of that proportion ; or in rule Of physicke , of the iust complexion ; Or of that truth of Picardill , in clothes , To boast a soueraignty o're Ladies : yet I know , to do my turnes , sweet Mistresse . Come , kisse — Mrs . FI. How now ! PVG. Deare delicate Mist. I am your slaue , Your little worme , that loues you : your fine Monkey ; Your Dogge , your Iacke , your Pug , that longs to be Stil'd , o' your pleasures . Mrs . FIT. Heare you all this ? Sir , Pray you , Come from your standing , doe , a little , spare Your selfe , Sir , from your watch , t' applaud your Squire , That so well followes your instructions ! ACT. II. SCENE . III. FITZ-DOTTRELL . Mistresse FITZ-DOTTREL . PVG. HOw now , sweet heart ? what 's the matter ? Mrs . FI. Good ! You are a stranger to the plot ! you set not Your saucy Diuell , here , to tempt your wife , With all the insolent vnciuill language , Or action , he could vent ? FIT. Did you so , Diuell ? Mrs . FIT. Not you ? you were not planted i' your hole to heare him , Vpo'the stayres ? or here , behinde the hangings ? I doe not know your qualities ? he durst doe it , And you not giue directions ? FIT. You shall see , wise , Her husband goes out , and enters presently with a cudgell vpon him . Whether he durst , or no : and what it was , I did direct . PVG. Sweet Mistresse , are you mad ? FIT. You most mere Rogue ! you open manifest Villaine ! You Feind apparant you ! you declar'd Hel-hound ! PVG. Good Sr. FIT. Good Knaue , good Rascal , and good Traitor . Now , I doe finde you parcel - Diuell , indeed . Vpo ' the point of trust ? I' your first charge ? The very day o' your probation ? To tempt your Mistresse ? You doe see , good wedlocke , How I directed him . Mrs . FIT. Why ▪ where Sr , were you ? FIT. Nay , there is one blow more , for exercise : After a pause . He strikes him againe I told you , I should doe it . PVG. Would you had done , Sir. FIT. O wife , the rarest man ! yet there 's another To put you in mind o' the last ▪ such a braue man , wife ! Within , he has his proiects , and do's vent 'hem , The gallantest ! where you tentiginous ? ha ? and againe . Would you be acting of the Incubus ? Did her silks rustling moue you ? PVG. Gentle Sir. FIT. Out of my sight . If thy name were not Diuell , Thou should'st not stay a minute with me . In , Goe , yet stay : yet goe too . I am resolu'd , What I will doe : and you shall know 't afore-hand . Soone as the Gentleman is gone , doe you heare ? I 'll helpe your lisping . Wife , such a man , wife ! Diuell goes out . He has such plots ! He will make mee a Duke ! No lesse , by heauen ! six Mares , to your coach , wife ! That 's your proportion ! And your coach-man bald ! Because he shall be bare , inough . Doe not you laugh , We are looking for a place , and all , i' the map What to be of . Haue faith , be not an Infidell . You know , I am not easie to be gull'd . I sweare , when I haue my millions , else , I 'll make Another Dutchesse ; if you ha' not faith . Mrs . FI. You 'll ha'too much , I feare , in these false spirits , FIT. Spirits ? O , no such thing ! wife ! wit , mere wit ! This man defies the Diuell , and all his works ! He dos't by Ingine , and deuises , hee ! He has his winged ploughes , that goe with sailes , Will plough you forty acres , at once ! and mills , Will spout you water , ten miles off ! All Crowland Is ours , wife ; and the fens , from vs , in Norfolke , To the vtmost bound of Lincoln-shire ! we haue view'd it , And measur'd it within all ; by the scale ! The richest tract of land , Loue , i' the kingdome ! There will be made seuenteene , or eighteene millions ; Or more , as 't may be handled ! wherefore , thinke , Sweet heart , if th' hast a fancy to one place , More then another , to be Dutchesse of ; Now , name it : I will ha 't , what ere it cost , ( If 't will be had for money ) either here , Or'n France , or Italy . Mrs . FI. You ha' strange phantasies ! ACT. II. SCENE . IV. MERE-CRAFT . FITZ-DOTTRELL . INGINE. WHere are you , Sir ? FIT. I see thou hast no talent This way , wi●e . Vp to thy gallery ; doe , Chuck , Leaue vs to talke of it , who vnderstand it . MER. I thinke we ha' found a place to fit you , now , Sir. Gloc'ster . FIT. O , no , I 'll none ! MER. Why , Sr ? FIT. T is fatall . MER. That you say right in . Spenser , I thinke , the younger , Had his last honour thence . But , he was but Earle . FIT I know not that , Sir. But Thomas of Woodstock● , I 'm sure , was Duke , and he was made away , At Calice ; as Duke Humphrey was at Bury : And Richard the third , you know what end he came too . MER. By m'faith you are cunning i' the Chronicle , Sir. FIT. No , I confesse I ha 't from the Play-bookes , And thinke they' are more authentique . ING . That 's sure , Sir. MER. He whispers him of a place . What say you ( to this then ) FIT. No , a noble house . Pretends to that . I will doe no man wrong . MER. Then take one proposition more , and heare it As past exception . FIT. What 's that ? MER. To be Duke of those lands , you shall recouer : take Your title , thence , Sir , Duke of the Drown'd-lands , Or Drown'd-land . FIT. Ha ? that last has a good sound ! I like it well . The Duke of Drown'd-land ? ING . Yes ; It goes like Groen-land , Sir , if you marke it . MER. I , And drawing thus your honour from the worke , You make the reputation of that , greater ; And stay 't the longer i' your name . FIT. 'T is true . Drown'd-lands will liue in Drown'd-land ! MER. Yes , when you Ha' no foote left ; as that must be , Sir , one day . And , though it tarry in your heyres , some forty , Fifty descents , the longer liuer , at last , yet , Must thrust 'hem out on 't : if no quirk in law , Or odde Vice o' their owne not do' it first . Wee see those changes , daily : the faire lands , That were the Clyents , are the Lawyers , now : And those rich Mannors , there , of good man Taylors , Had once more wood vpon 'hem , then the yard , By which th'were measur'd out for the last purchase . Nature hath these vicissitudes . Shee makes No man a state of perpetuety , Sir. FIT. Yo' are i' the right . Let 's in then , and conclude . Hee spies Diuell . I my sight , againe ? I 'll talke with you , anon . ACT. II. SCENE . V. PVG. SVre hee will geld mee , if I stay : or worse , Pluck out my tongue , one o' the two . This Foole , There is no trusting of him : and to quit him , Were a contempt against my Chiefe , past pardon . It was a shrewd disheartning this , at first ! Who would ha' thought a woman so well harness'd , Or rather well-caparison'd , indeed , That weares such petticoates , and lace to her smocks , Broad seaming laces ( as I see 'hem hang there ) And garters which are lost , if shee can shew 'hem , Could ha' done this ? Hell ! why is shee so braue ? It cannot be to please Duke Dottrel , sure , Nor the dull pictures , in her gallery , Nor her owne deare reflection , in her glasse ; Yet that may be : I haue knowne many of 'hem , Beginne their pleasure , but none end it , there : ( That I consider , as I goe a long with it ) They may , for want of better company , Or that they thinke the better , spend an houre ; Two , three , or foure , discoursing with their shaddow : But sure they haue a farther speculation . No woman drest with so much care , and study , Doth dresse her selfe in vaine . I 'll vexe this probleme , A little more , before I leaue it , sure . ACT. IJ. SCENE . VI. VVITTIPOL . MANLY. Mistresse FITZ-DOTTREL . PVG. THis was a fortune , happy aboue thought , That this should proue thy chamber ; which I fear'd Would be my greatest trouble ! this must be The very window , and that the roome . MAN. It is . I now remember , I haue often seene there A woman , but I neuer mark'd her much . WIT. Where was your soule , friend ? MAN. Faith , but now , and then , Awake vnto those obiects . WIT. You pretend so . Let mee not liue , if I am not in loue More with her wit , for this direction , now , Then with her forme , though I ha' prais'd that prettily , Since I saw her , and you , to day . Read those . Hee giues him a paper , wherein is the copy of a Song . They 'll goe vnto the ayre you loue so well . Try 'hem vnto the note , may be the musique Will call her sooner ; light , shee 's here ! Sing quickly . Mrs . FIT. Either he vnderstood him not : or else , The fellow was not faithfull in deliuery , Of what I bad . And , I am iustly pay'd , That might haue made my profit of his seruice , But , by mis-taking , haue drawne on his enuy , And done the worse defeate vpon my selfe . Manly sings , Pug enters perceiues it . How ! Musique ? then he may be there : and is sure . PVG. O! Is it so ? Is there the enter-view ? Haue I drawne to you , at last , my cunning Lady ? The Diuell is an Asse ! fool'd of● ! and beaten ! Nay , made an instrument ! and could not sent it ! Well , since yo' haue showne the malice of a woman , No lesse then her true wit , and learning , Mistresse , I 'll try , if little Pug haue the malignity To recompence it , and so saue his danger . 'T is not the paine , but the discredite of it , The Diuell should not keepe a body intire . WIT. Away , fall backe , she comes . MAN. I 'll leaue you , Sir , The Master of my chamber . I haue businesse WIT. Mrs ! Mrs . FI. You make me paint , Sr. WIT. The' are faire colours , Lady , and naturall ! I did receiue Some commands from you , lately , gentle Lady , This Scene is acted at two windo's , as out of two contiguous buildings , But so perplex'd , and wrap'd in the deliuery , As I may feare t' haue mis-interpreted : But must make suit still , to be neere your grace . Mrs . FI. Who is there with you , Sr ? WIT. None , but my selfe . It falls out , Lady , to be a deare friends lodging . Wherein there 's some conspiracy of fortune With your poore seruants blest affections . Mrs . FI. Who was it sung ? WIT. He , Lady , but hee 's gone , Vpon my entreaty of him , seeing you Approach the window . Neither need you doubt him , If he were here . He is too much a gentleman . Mrs . FI. Sir , if you iudge me by this simple action , And by the outward habite , and complexion Of easinesse , it hath , to your designe ; You may with Iustice , say , I am a woman : And a strange woman But when you shall please , To bring but that concurrence of my fortune , To memory , which to day your selfe did vrge : It may beget some fauour like excuse , Though none like reason . WIT. No , my tune-full Mistresse ? Then , surely , Loue hath none ; nor Beauty any ; Nor Nature-violenced , in both these : With all whose gentle tongues you speake , at once . I thought I had inough remou'd , already , That scruple from your brest , and left yo' all reason ; When , through my mornings perspectiue I shewd you A man so aboue excuse , as he is the cause , Why any thing is to be done vpon him : And nothing call'd an iniury , mis-plac'd . I'rather , now had hope , to shew you how Loue By his accesses , growes more naturall : And , what was done , this morning , with such force Was but deuis'd to serue the present , then . That since Loue hath the honour to approach These sister-swelling brests ; and touch this soft , And rosie hand ; hee hath the skill to draw Their Nectar forth , with kissing ; and could make More wanton salts , from this braue promontory , Downe to this valley , then the nimble Roe ; playes with her paps , kisseth her hands , &c. Could play the hopping Sparrow , 'bout these nets ; And sporting Squirell in these crisped groues ; Bury himselfe in euery Silke-wormes kell , Is here vnrauell'd ; runne into the snare , Which euery hayre is , cast into a curle , To catch a Cupid flying : Bath himselfe In milke , and roses , here , and dry him , there ; Warme his cold hands , to play with this smooth , ●ound , And well torn'd chin , as with the Billyard ball ; Rowle on these lips , the banks of loue , and there At once both plant , and gather kisses . Lady , Shall I , with what I haue made to day here , call All sense to wonder , and all faith to signe The mysteries reuealed in your forme ? And will Loue pardon mee the blasphemy I vtter'd , when I said , a glasse could speake This beauty , or that fooles had power to iudge it ? Doe but looke , on her eyes ! They doe light — All that Loue 's world comprizeth ! Doe but looke on her hayre ! it is bright , As Loue 's starre , when it riseth ! Doe but marke , her fore head 's smoother , Then words that sooth her ! And from her arched browes , such a grace Sheds it selfe through the face ; As alone , there triumphs to the life , All the gaine , all the good , of the elements strife ! Haue you seene but a bright Lilly grow , Before rude hands haue touch'd it ? Haue you mark'd but the fall of the Snow , Before the soyle hath smuch'd it ? Haue you felt the wooll o' the Beuer ? Or Swans downe , euer ? Or , haue smelt o' the bud o' the Bryer ? Or the Nard i' the fire ? Or , haue tasted the bag o' the Bee ? O , so white ! O , so soft ! O , so sweet is shee ! ACT. II. SCENE . VII . FITZ-DOTTRELL . WITTIPOL . PVG. IS shee so , Sir ? and , I will keepe her so . Her husband appeares at her back . If I know how , or can : that wit of man Will doe 't , I 'll goe no farther . At this windo ' She shall no more be buz'd at . Take your leaue on 't . If you be sweet meates , wedlock , or sweet flesh , All 's one : I doe not loue this hum about you . A flye-blowne wife is not so proper , In : Hee speakes out of his wiues window . For you , Sr , looke to heare from mee . WIT. So , I doe , Sir. FIT. No , but in other termes . There 's no man offers This to my wife , but paies for 't . WIT. That haue I , Sir. FIT. Nay , then , I tell you , you are . WIT. What am I , Sir ? FIT. Why , that I 'll thinke on , when I ha' cut your throat . WIT. Goe , you are an Asse . FIT. I am resolu'd on 't , Sir. WIT. I thinke you are . FIT. To call you to a reckoning . WIT. Away , you brokers blocke , you property . FIT. S'light , if you strike me , I 'll strike your Mistresse , WIT. O! I could shoote mine eyes at him , for that , now ; Hee strikes his wife . Or leaue my teeth in'him , were they cuckolds bane , Inough to kill him . What prodigious , Blinde , and most wicked change of fortune 's this ? I ha' no ayre of patience : all my vaines Swell , and my sinewes start at iniquity of it . I shall breake , breake . PVG. This for the malice of it , And my reuenge may passe ! But , now , The Diuell speakes below . my conscience Tells mee , I haue profited the cause of Hell But little , in the breaking-off their loues . Which , if some other act of mine repaire not , I shall heare ill of in my accompt . FIT. O , Bird ! Could you do this ? 'gainst me ? and at this time , now ? Fitz-dottrel enters with his wife as come downe . When I was so imploy'd , wholly for you , Drown'd i' my care ( more , then the land , I sweare , I'haue hope to win ) to make you peere-lesse ? studying , For footemen for you , fine pac'd huishers , pages , To serue you o' the knee ; with what Knights wife , To beare your traine , and sit with your foure women In councell , and receiue intelligences , From forraigne parts , to dresse you at all pieces ! Y'haue ( a'most ) turn'd my good affection , to you ; Sowr'd my sweet thoughts ; all my pure purposes : I could now finde ( i' my very heart ) to make Another , Lady Dutchesse ; and depose you . Well , goe your waies in . Diuell , you haue redeem'd all . I doe forgiue you . And I 'll doe you good . ACT. II. SCENE . VIIJ. MERE-CRAFT . FITZ-DOTTREL . INGINE. TRAINES . WHy ha you these excursions ? where ha' you beene , Sir ? FIT. Where I ha' beene vex'd a little , with a toy ! MER. O Sir ! no toyes must trouble your graue head , Now it is growing to be great . You must Be aboue all those things . FIT. Nay , nay , so I will. MER. Now you are to'ard the Lord , you must put off The man , Sir. ING . He saies true . MER. You must do nothing As you ha' done it heretofore ; not know , Or salute any man. ING . That was your bed-fellow , The other moneth . MER. The other moneth ? the weeke . Thou dost not know the priuiledges , Ingine , Follow that Title ; nor how swift : To day , When he has put on his Lords face once , then — FIT. Sir , for these things I shall doe well enough , There is no feare of me . But then , my wife is Such an vntoward thing ! shee 'll neuer learne How to comport with it ! I am out of all Conceipt , on her behalfe . MER. Best haue her taught , Sir. FIT. Where ? Are there any Schooles for Ladies ? Is there An Academy for women ? I doe know , For men , there was : I learn'd in it , my selfe , Ingine whispers Merecraft , Merecraft turnes to Fitz-dottrel . To make my legges , and doe my postures . ING . Sir. Doe you remember the conceipt you had — O' the Spanish gowne , at home ? MER. Ha! I doe thanke thee , With all my heart , deare Ingine . Sir , there is A certaine Lady , here about the Towne , An English widdow , who hath lately trauell'd , But shee 's call'd the Spaniard ; cause she came Latest from thence : and keepes the Spanish habit . Such a rare woman ! all our women heere , That are of spirit , and fashion flocke , vnto her , As to their President ; their Law ; their Canon ; More then they euer did , to Oracle-Foreman . Such rare receipts shee has , Sir , for the face ; Such oyles ; such tinctures ; such pomatumn's ; Such perfumes ; med'cines ; quintessences , &c. And such a Mistresse of behauiour ; She knowes , from the Dukes daughter , to the Doxey , What is their due iust : and no more ! FIT. O Sir ! You please me i'th is , more then mine owne greatnesse . Where is shee ? Let vs haue her . MER. By your patience , We must vse meanes ; cast how to be acquainted — FIT. Good , Sr , about it . MER. We must think how , first . FIT. O! I doe not loue to tarry for a thing , When I haue a mind to 't . You doe not know me . If you doe offer it . MER. Your wife must send Some pretty token to her , with a complement , And pray to be receiu'd in her good graces , All the great Ladies do 't , FIT. She shall , she shall , What were it best to be ? MER. Some little toy , I would not haue it any great matter , Sir : A Diamant ring , of forty or fifty pound , Would doe it handsomely : and be a gift Fit for your wife to send , and her to take . FIT. I 'll goe , and tell my wife on 't , streight . MER. Why this Fitz-dottrel goes out . Is well ! The clothes we'haue now : But , where 's this Lady ? If we could get a witty boy , now , Ingine ; That were an excellent cracke . I could instruct him , To the true height . For any thing takes this dottrel . ING . Why , Sir your best will be one o' the players ! MER. No , there 's no trusting them . They 'll talke on 't , And tell their Poets . ING . What if they doe ? the iest will brooke the Stage . But , there be some of 'hem Are very honest Lads . There 's Dicke Robinson A very pretty fellow , and comes often To a Gentlemans chamber , a friends of mine . We had The merriest supper of it there , one night , The Gentlemans Land-lady invited him To'a Gossips feast , Now , he Sir brought Dick Robinson , Drest like a Lawyers wife , amongst 'hem all ; ( I lent him cloathes ) but , to see him behaue it ; And lay the law ; and carue ; and drinke vnto 'hem ; And then talke baudy : and send frolicks ! o ! It would haue burst your buttons , or not left you A seame . MER. They say hee 's an ingenious youth ! ING . O Sir ! and dresses himselfe , the best ! beyond Forty o' your very Ladies ! did you ne'r see him ? MER. No , I do seldome see those toyes . But thinke you , That we may haue him ? ING . Sir , the young Gentleman I tell you of , can command him . Shall I attempt it ? MER. Yes , doe it . FIT. S'light , I cannot get my wife Enters againe . To part with a ring , on any termes : and yet , The sollen Monkey has two . MER. It were'gainst reason , That you should vrge it ; Sir , send to a Gold-smith , ●e not her lose by 't . FIT. How do's she lose by 't ? Is 't not for her ? MER. Make it your owne bounty , It will ha' the better successe ; what is a matter Of fifty pound to you , Sr. FIT. I' haue but a hundred Pieces , to shew here ; that I would not breake — MER. You shall ha' credit , Sir. I 'll send a ticket Vnto my Gold-smith . Heer , my man comes too , Traines enters . To carry it fitly . How now , Traines ? What birds ? TRA. Your Cousin Euer-ill met me , and has beat mee , Because I would not tell him where you were : I think he has dogd me to the house too . FIT. Well — You shall goe out at the back-doore , then , Traines . You must get Guilt-head hither ▪ by some meanes : TRA. 'T is impossible ! ●IT . Tell him , we haue venison , I 'll g' him a piece , and send his wife a Phesant . TRA. A Forrest moues not , till that forty pound , Yo' had of him , last , be pai'd . He keepes more stirre , For that same petty summe , then for your bond Of sixe ; and Statute of eight hundred ! ●IT . Tell him Wee 'll hedge in that . Cry vp Fitz-dottrell to him , Double his price : Make him a man of mettall . TRA. That will not need , his bond is currant inough . ACT. III. SCENE . I. GVILT-HEAD . PLVTARCHVS . ALl this is to make you a Gentleman : I 'll haue you learne , Sonne . Wherefore haue I plac'd you With Sr. Poul Either-side , but to haue so much Law To keepe your owne ? Besides , he is a Iustice , Here i' the Towne ; and dwelling , Sonne , with him , You shal learne that in a yeere , shall be worth twenty Of hauing stay'd you at Oxford , or at Cambridge , Or sending you to the Innes of Court , or France . I am call'd for now in haste , by Master Meere-craft To trust Master Fitz-dottrel , a good man : I' haue inquir'd him , eighteene hundred a yeere , ( His name is currant ) for a diamant ring Of forty , shall not be worth thirty ( that 's gain'd ) And this is to make you a Gentleman ! PLV. O , but good father you trust too much ! GVI. Boy , boy , We liue , by finding fooles out , to be trusted . Our shop-bookes are our pastures , our corn-grounds , We lay 'hem op'n , for them to come into : And when wee haue 'hem there , wee driue 'hem vp In ●one of our two Pounds , the Compters , streight , And this is to make you a Gentleman ! Wee Citizens neuer trust , but wee doe coozen : For , if our debtors pay , wee coozen them ; And if they doe not , then we coozen our selues . But that 's a hazard euery one must runne , That hopes to make his Sonne a Gentleman ! PLV. I doe not wish to be one , truely , Father . In a descent , or two , wee come to be Iust 'itheir state , fit to be coozend , like ' hem . And I had rather ha' tarryed i' your trade : For , since the Gentry scorne the Citty so much , Me thinkes we should in time , holding together , And matching in our owne tribes , as they say , Haue got an Act of Common Councell , for it , That we might coozen them out of rerum natura . GVI. I , if we had an Act first to forbid The marrying of our wealthy heyres vnto 'hem : And daughters , with such lauish portions . That confounds all . PLV. And makes a Mungril breed , Father . And when they haue your money , then they laugh at you : Or kick you downe the stayres . I cannot abide ' hem . I would faine haue 'hem coozen'd , but not trusted . ACT. III. SCENE . II. MERE-CRAFT . GVILT-HEAD . FITZ-DOTTRELL . PLVTARCHVS . O , is he come ! I knew he would not faile me . Welcome , good Guilt-head , I must ha' you doe A noble Gentleman , a courtesie , here : In a mere toy ( some pretty Ring , or Iewell ) Of fifty , or threescore pound ( Make it a hundred , And hedge in the last forty , that I owe you , And your owne price for the Ring ) He 's a good man , Sr , And you may hap ' see him a great one ! Hee , Is likely to bestow hundreds , and thousands , Wi' you ; if you can humour him . A great prince He will be shortly . What doe you say ? GVI. In truth , Sir I cannot . 'T has beene a long vacation with vs , FIT. Of what , I pray thee ? of wit ? or honesty ? Those are your Citizens long vacations . PLV. Good Father do not trust ' hem . MER. Nay , Thom. Guilt-head . Hee will not buy a courtesie and begge it : Hee 'll rather pay , then pray . If you doe for him , You must doe cheerefully . His credit , Sir , Is not yet prostitute ! Who 's this ? thy sonne ? A pretty youth , what 's his name ? PLV. Plutarchus , Sir. MER. Plutarchus ! How came that about ? GVI. That yeere Sr , That I begot him , I bought Plutarch's liues , And fell s' in loue with the booke , as I call'd my sonne By ' his name ; In hope he should be like him : And write the liues of our great men ! MER. I' the City ? And you do breed him , there ? GVI. His minde , Sir , lies Much to that way . MER. Why , then , he is i' the right way . GVI. But , now , I had rather get him a good wife , And plant him i' the countrey ; there to vse The blessing I shall leaue him ▪ MER. Out vpon 't ! And lose the laudable meanes , thou hast at home , heere , T' aduance , and make him a young Alderman ? Buy him a Captaines place , for shame ; and let him Into the world , early , and with his plume , And Scarfes , march through Cheapside , or along Cornehill , And by the vertue ' of those , draw downe a wife There from a windo ' , worth ten thousand pound ! Get him the posture booke , and 's leaden men , To set vpon a table , 'gainst his Mistresse Chance to come by , that hee may draw her in , And shew her Finsbury battells . GVI. I haue plac'd him With Iustice Eytherside , to get so much law — MER. As thou hast conscience . Come , come , thou dost wrong Pretty Plutarchus , who had not his name , For nothing : but was borne to traine the youth Of London , in the military truth — That way his Genius lies . My Cousin Euerill ! ACT. III. SCENE . IIJ. EVER-ILL . PLVTARCHVS . GVILT-HEAD . MERE-CRAFT . FITZDOTTRELL . O , are you heere , Sir ? 'pray you let vs whisper . PLV. Father , deare Father , trust him if you loue mee . GVI. Why , I doe meane it , boy ; but , what I doe , Must not come easily from mee : Wee must deale With Courtiers , boy , as Courtiers deale with vs. If I haue a Businesse there , with any of them , Why , I must wait , I 'am sure on 't , Son : and though My Lord dispatch me , yet his worshipfull man — Will keepe me for his sport , a moneth , or two , To shew mee with my fellow Cittizens . I must make his traine long , and full , one quarter ; And helpe the spectacle of his greatnesse . There , Nothing is done at once , but iniuries , boy : And they come head-long ! all their good turnes moue not , Or very slowly PLV. Yet sweet father , trust him . GVI. VVell , I will thinke . EV. Come , you must do 't , Sir. I 'am vndone else , and your Lady Tayle-bush Has sent for mee to dinner , and my cloaths A●e all at pawne . I had sent out this morning , Before I heard you were come to towne , some twenty Of my epistles , and no one returne — MER. Mere-craft tells him of his faults . VVhy , I ha' told you o'th is . This comes of wearing Scarlet , gold lace , and cut-works ! your fine gartring ! VVith your blowne roses , Cousin ! and your eating Phesant , and Godwit , here in London ! haunting The Globes , and Mermaides ! wedging in with Lords , Still at the table ! and affecting lechery , In veluet ! where could you ha' contented your selfe VVith cheese , salt-butter , and a pickled hering , I' the Low-countries ; there worne cloth , and fustian ! Beene satisfied with a leape o' your Host's daughter , In garrison , a wench of a stoter ! or , Your Sutlers wife , i' the leaguer , of two blanks ! You neuer , then , had runne vpon this flat , To write your letters missiue , and send out Your priuy seales , that thus haue frighted off All your acquintance ; that they shun you at distance , VVorse , then you do the Bailies ! EV. Pox vpon you . Hee repines , I come not to you for counsell , I lacke money . MER. You doe not thinke , what you owe me already ? EV. I ? They owe you , that meane to pay you . I 'll besworne , I neuer meant it . Come , you will proiect , I shall vndoe your practice , for this moneth else : and threatens him . You know mee . MER. I , yo' are a right sweet nature ! EV. Well , that 's all one ! MER. You 'll leaue this Empire , one day ? You will not euer haue this tribute payd , Your scepter o' the sword ? EV. Tye vp your wit , Doe , and prouoke me not — MER. Will you , Sir , helpe , To what I shall prouoke another for you ? EV. I cannot tell ; try me : I thinke I am not So vtterly , of an ore vn-to-be-melted , But I can doe my selfe good , on occasions . MER. They ioyne . Strike in then , for your part . Mr. Fitz-dottrel If I transgresse in point of manners , afford mee Your best construction ; I must beg my freedome From your affayres , this day . FIT. How , Sr. MER. It is Mere-craft pretends businesse . In succour of this Gentlemans occasions , My kins-man — FIT. You 'll not do me that affront , Sr. MER. I am sory you should so interpret it , But , Sir , it stands vpon his being inuested In a new office , hee has stood for , long : Master of the Dependances ! A place Of my proiection too , Sir , and hath met Much opposition ; but the State , now , see 's That great necessity of it , as after all Their writing , and their speaking , against Duells , They haue erected it . His booke is drawne — For , since , there will be differences , daily , 'Twixt Gentlemen ; and that the roaring manner Is growne offensiue ; that those few , we call The ciuill men o' the sword , abhorre the vapours ; They shall refer now , hither , for their processe ; And such as trespasse 'gainst the rule of Court , Are to be fin'd — FIT. In troth , a pretty place ! MER· A kinde of arbitrary Court 't will be , Sir. FIT. I shall haue matter for it , I beleeue , Ere it be long : I had a distast . MER. But now , Sir , My learned councell , they must haue a feeling , They 'll part , Sir , with no bookes , without the hand gout Be oyld , and I must furnish . If 't be money , To me streight . I am Mine , Mint and Exchequer , To supply all . What is 't ? a hundred pound ? EVE . No , th' Harpey , now , stands on a hundred pieces . MER. Why , he must haue 'hem , if he will. To morrow , Sir , Will equally serue your occasion's , — And therefore , let me obtaine , that you will yeeld To timing a poore Gentlemans distresses , In termes of hazard . — FIT. By no meanes ! MER. I must Get him this money , and will. — FIT. Sir , I protest , I 'd rather stand engag'd for it my selfe : Then you should leaue mee . MER. O good Sr. do you thinke So coursely of our manners , that we would , For any need of ours , be prest to take it : Though you be pleas'd to offer it . FIT. Why , by heauen , I meane it ! MER. I can neuer beleeue lesse . But wee , Sir , must preserue our dignity , As you doe publish yours . By your faire leaue , Sir. FIT. As I am a Gentleman , if you doe offer To leaue mee now , or if you doe refuse mee , I will not thinke you loue mee . MER. Sir , I honour you . And with iust reason , for these noble notes , Of the nobility , you pretend too ! But , Sir — I would know , why ? a motiue ( he a stranger ) You should doe this ? EVE . You 'll mar all with your finenesse FIT. Why , that 's all one , if'twere , Sir , but my fancy . But I haue a Businesse , that perhaps I 'd haue Brought to his office . MER. O , Sir ! I haue done , then ; If hee can be made profitable , to you . FIT. Yes , and it shall be one of my ambitions To haue it the first Businesse ? May I not ? EVE . So you doe meane to make 't , a perfect Businesse . FIT. Nay , I 'll doe that , assure you : shew me once . MER. Sr , it concernes , the first be a perfect Businesse , For his owne honour ! EVE . I , and th' reputation Too , of my place . FIT. Why , why doe I take this course , else ? I am not altogether , an Asse , good Gentlemen , Wherefore should I consult you ? doe you thinke ? To make a song on 't ? How 's your manner ? tell vs. MER. Doe , satisfie him : giue him the whole course . EVE . First , by request , or otherwise , you offer Your Businesse to the Court : wherein you craue : The iudgement of the Master and the Assistants . FIT. Well , that 's done , now , what doe you vpon it ? EVE . We streight Sr , haue recourse to the spring-head ; Visit the ground ; and , so disclose the nature : If it will carry , or no. If wee doe finde , By our proportions it is like to proue A sul●en , and blacke Bus'nesse That it be Incorrigible ; and out of , treaty ; then , We file it , a Dependance ! FIT. So 't is fil'd . What followes ? I doe loue the order of these things . EVE . We then aduise the party , if he be A man of meanes , and hauings , that forth-with , He settle his estate : if not , at least That he pretend it . For , by that , the world Takes notice , that it now is a Dependance . And this we call , Sir , Publication . FIT. Very sufficient ! After Publication , now ? EVE . Then we grant out our Processe , which is diuers ; Eyther by Chartell , Sir , or ore-tenus , Wherein the Challenger , and Challengee Or ( with your Spaniard ) your Prouocador , And Prouocado , haue their seuerall courses — FIT. I haue enough on 't ! for an hundred pieces ? Yes , for two hundred , vnder-write me , doe . Your man will take my bond ? MER. That he will , sure , But , these same Citizens , they are such sharks ! He whispers Fitz-dottrell aside . There 's an old debt of forty , I ga● my word For one is runne away , to the Bermudas , And he will hooke in that , or he wi' not doe . FIT. Why , let him . That and the ring , and a hundred pieces , Will all but make two hundred ? MER. No , no more , Sir. What ready Arithmetique you haue ? doe you heare ? And then Guilt-head A pretty mornings worke for you , this ? Do it , You shall ha' twenty pound on 't . GVI. Twenty pieces ? ( PLV. Good Father , do 't ) MER. You will hooke still ? well , Shew vs your ring . You could not ha' done this , now With gentlenesse , at first , wee might ha' thank'd you ? But groane , and ha' you courtesies come from you Like a hard stoole , and stinke ? A man may draw Your teeth out easier , then your money ? Come , Were little Guilt-head heere , no better a nature , Hee pulls Plutarchus by the lips . I should ne'r loue him , that could pull his lips off , now ! Was not thy mother a Gentlewoman ? PLV. Yes , Sir. MER. And went to the Court at Christmas , and St. Georges-tide ? And lent the Lords-men , chaines ? PLV. Of gold , and pearle , Sr. MER. I knew , thou must take , after some body ! Thou could'st not be else . This was no shop-looke ! 'll ha' thee Captaine Guilt-head , and march vp , And take in Pimlico , , and kill the bush , At euery tauerne ! Thou shalt haue a wife , If smocks will mount , boy . How now ? you ha' there now Some Bristo-stone , He turnes to old Guilt-head . or Cornish counterfeit You 'ld put vpon vs. GVI. No , Sir , I assure you : Looke on his luster ! hee will speake himselfe ! I 'le gi'you leaue to put him i' the Mill , H 'is no great , large stone , but a true Paragon , H' has all his corners , view him well . MER. H 'is yellow . GVI. Vpo'my faith , Sr , o' the right black-water , And very deepe ! H 'is set without a foyle , too . Here 's one o' the yellow-water , I 'll sell cheape . MER. And what do you valew this , at ? thirty pound ? GVI. No , Sir , he cost me forty , ere he was set . MER. Turnings , you meane ? I know your Equinocks : You' are growne the better Fathers of 'hem o'late . Well , where 't must goe , 't will be iudg'd , and , therefore , Looke you't be right . You shall haue fifty pound for 't . Not a deneer more ! And , Now to Fitz-dottrel . because you would Haue things dispatch'd , Sir , I 'll goe presently , Inquire out this Lady . If you thinke good , Sir. Hauing an hundred pieces ready , you may Part with those , now , to serue my kinsmans turnes , That he may wait vpon you , anon , the freer ; And take 'hem when you ha' seal'd , a gaine , of Guilt-head . FIT. I care not if I do ! MER. And dispatch all , Together . FIT. There , th' are iust : a hundred pieces ! I' ha' told 'hem ouer , twice a day , these two moneths . Hee turnes 'hem out together . And Euerill and hee fall to share . MER. Well , go , and seale then , Sr , make your returne As speedy as you can . EVE . Come gi' mee . MER. Soft , Sir , EVE· Mary , and faire too , then . I 'll no delaying , Sir. MER. But , you will heare ? EV. Yes , when I haue my diuident . MER. There 's forty pieces for you . EVE . What is this for ? MER. Your halfe . You know , that Guilt-head must ha' twenty . EVE . And what 's your ring there ? shall I ha' none o'th at ? MER. O , that 's to be giuen to a Lady ! EVE . Is 't so ? MER. By that good light , it is . EV. Come , gi'me Ten pieces more , then . MER. Why ? EV. For Guilt-head ? Sir , Do' you thinke , I 'll ' low him any such share : MER. You must . EVE . Must I ? Doe you your musts , Sir , I 'll doe mine , You wi'not part with the whole , Sir ? Will you ? Goe too . Gi' me ten pieces ! MER. By what law , doe you this ? EVE . E'n Lyon-law , Sir , I must roare else . MER. Good ! EVE . Yo' haue heard , how th' Asse made his diuisions , wisely ? MER. And , I am he : I thanke you . EV. Much good do you , Sr. MER. I shall be rid o'th is tyranny , one day ? EVE . Not , While you doe eate ; and lie , about the towne , here ; And coozen i' your bullions ; and I stand Your name of credit , and compound your businesse ; Adiourne your beatings euery terme ; and make New parties for your proiects . I haue , now , A pretty tasque , of it , to hold you in W● ' your Lady Tayle-bush : but the toy will be , How we shall both come off ? MER. Leaue you your doubting . And doe your portion , what 's assign'd you : I Neuer fail'd yet . EVE . With reference to your aydes ? You 'll still be vnthankfull . Where shall I meete you , anon ? You ha' some feate to doe alone , now , I see ; You wish me gone , well , I will finde you out , And bring you after to the audit . MER. S'light ! There 's Ingines share too , I had forgot ! This raigne Is too-too-vnsuportable ! I must Quit my selfe of this vassalage ! Ingine ! welcome . ACT. IIJ. SCENE . IV. MERE-CRAFT . INGINE. VVITTIPOL . HOw goes the cry ? ING . Excellent well ! MER. Wil 't do ? VVhere 's Robinson ? ING . Here is the Gentleman , Sir. VVill vndertake t'himselfe . I haue acquainted him , MER. VVhy did you so ? ING . VVhy , Robinson would ha' told him , You know . And hee 's a pleasant wit ! will hurt Nothing you purpose . Then , he 'is of opinion , That Robinson might want audacity , She being such a gallant . Now , hee has beene , In Spaine , and knowes the fashions there ; and can Discourse ; and being but mirth ( hee saies ) leaue much , To his care : MER. But he is too tall ! ING . For that , He has the brauest deuice ! ( you 'll loue him for 't ) To say , he weares Cioppinos : and they doe so In Spaine . And Robinson 's as tall , as hee . MER. Is he so ? ING . Euery iot . MER. Nay , I had rather To trust a Gentleman with it , o' the two . ING . Pray you goe to him , then , Sir , and salute him . MER. Sir , my friend Ingine has acquainted you With a strange businesse , here . WIT. A merry one , Sir. The Duke of Drown'd-land , and his Dutchesse ? MER. Yes , Sir. Now , that the Coniurers ha' laid him by , I ha' made bold , to borrow him a while ; WIT. With purpose , yet , to put him out I hope To his best vse ? MER. Yes , Sir. WIT. For that small part , That I am trusted with , put off your care : I would not lose to doe it , for the mirth , Will follow of it ; and well , I haue a fancy . MER. Sir , that will make it well . WIT. You will report it so . Where must I haue my dressing ? ING . At my house , Sir. MER. You shall haue caution , Sir , for what he yeelds , To six pence . WIT. You shall pardon me . I will share , Sir , I' your sports , onely : nothing i' your purchase . But you must furnish mee with complements , To th' manner of Spaine ; my coach , my guarda duenn'as ; MER. Ingine 's your Pro'uedor . But , Sir , I must ( Now I'haue entred trust wi' you , thus farre ) Secure still i' your quality , acquaint you With somewhat , beyond this . The place , design'd To be the Scene , for this our mery matter , Because it must haue countenance of women , To draw discourse , and offer it , is here by , At the Lady Taile-bushes . WIT. I know her , Sir , And her Gentleman huisher . MER. Mr Ambler ? WIT. Yes , Sir. MER. Sir , It shall be no shame to mee , to confesse To you , that wee poore Gentlemen , that want acres , Must for our needs , turne fooles vp , and plough Ladies Sometimes , to try what glebe they a●e : and this Is no vnfruitefull piece . She , and I now , Are on a proiect , for the fact , and venting Of a new kinde of fucus ( paint , for Ladies ) To serue the kingdome : wherein shee her selfe Hath trauell'd , specially , by way of seruice Vnto her sexe , and hopes to get the Monopoly , As the reward , of her inuention . WIT. What is her end , in this ? EV. Merely ambition , Sir , to grow great , and court it with the secret : Though shee pretend some other . For , she 's dealing , Already , vpon caution for the shares , And Mr. Ambler , is hee nam'd Examiner For the ingredients ; and the Register Of what is vented ; and shall keepe the Office. Now , if shee breake with you , of this ( as I Must make the leading thred to your acquaintance , That , how experience gotten i' your being Abroad , will helpe our businesse ) thinke of some Pretty additions , but to keepe her floting : It may be , shee will offer you a part , Any strange names of — WIT. Sr , I haue my'instructions . Is it not high time to be making ready ? MER. Yes , Sir , ING . The foole 's in sight , Dottrel . MER. Away , then . ACT. IIJ. SCENE . V. MERE-CRAFT . FITZ-DOTTREL . PVG. REturn'd so soone ? FIT. Yes , here 's the ring : I ha'seal'd . But there 's not so much gold in all the row , he saies — Till'● come fro' the Mint . 'T is tane vp for the gamesters . MER. There 's a shop-shift ! plague on 'hem . FIT. He do's sweare it . MER. He 'll sweare , and forsweare too , it is his trade , You should not haue left him . FIT. S'lid , I can goe backe , And beat him , yet . MER. No , now let him alone . FIT. I was so earnest , after the maine Businesse , To haue this ring , gone . MER. True , and 't is time . I haue learn'd , Sir , sin' you went , her Ladi●ship●ats ●ats With the Lady Tail bush , here , hard by . FIT. I' the lane here ? MER. Yes , if you ' had a seruant , now of presence , Well cloth'd , and of an aë●y voluble tongue , Neither too bigge , or little for his mouth , That could deliuer your wiues complement ; To send along withall . FIT. I haue one Sir , A very handsome , gentleman-like-fellow , That I doe meane to make my Dutchesse Vsher — I entertain'd him , but this morning , too : I 'll call him to you . The worst of him , is his name ! MER. She 'll take no note of that , but of his message . Hee shewes him his Pug. FIT. Diuell ! How like you him , Sir. Pace , go a little . Let 's see you moue . MER. He 'll serue , Sr , giue it him : And let him goe along with mee , I 'll helpe To present him , and it . FIT. Looke , you doe sirah , Discharge this well , as you expect your place . Do' you heare , goe on , come off with all your honours . I would faine see him , do it . MER. Trust him , with it ; Giues him instructions . FIT. Remember kissing of your hand , and answering With the French-time , in flexure of your body . I could now ▪ so instruct him — and for his words — MER. I 'll put them in his mouth . FIT. O , but I haue 'hem O' the very Academies . MER. Sir , you 'll haue vse for 'hem , Anon , your selfe , I warrant you : after dinner , When you are call'd . FIT. S'light , that 'll be iust play-time . It cannot be , I must not lose the play ! MER. Sir , but you must , if she appoint to sit . And , shee 's president . FIT. S'lid , it is the Diuell ! MER. And , 't were his Damme too , you must now apply Your selfe , Sir , to this , wholly ; or lose all . FIT. If I could but see a piece — MER. Sr. Neuer think on 't . FIT. Come but to one act , and I did not care — But to be seene to rise , and goe away , To vex the Players , and to punish their Poet — K●epe him in awe ! MER. But say , that he be one , Wi'not be aw'd ! but laugh at you . How then ? FIT. Then he shall pay for ' his dinner himselfe . MER. Perhaps , He would doe that twice , rather then thanke you . Come , get the Diuell out of your head , my Lord , ( I 'll call you so in priuate still ) and take Your Lord ship i' your minde . You were , sweete Lord , In ta●ke to bring a Businesse to the Office. FIT. Yes . MER. Why should no● you , Sr , carry it o' your selfe , Before the Office be vp ? and shew the world , You had no need of any mans direction ; In point , Sir , of sufficiency . I speake Against a kinsman , but as one that tenders Your graces good . FIT. I thanke you ; to proceed — MER. To Publications : ha ▪ your Deed drawne presently . And leaue a blancke to put in your Feoff●es One , two , or more , as you see cause — FIT. I thank you Heartily , I doe thanke you . Not a word more , I pray you , as you loue mee . Let mee alone . That I could not thinke o'th is , as well , as hee ? O , I could beat my infinite blocke-head — ! MER. Come , we must this way . PVG. How far is 't . MER. Hard by here Ouer the way . Now , to atchieue this ring , From this same fellow , that is to assure it ; Before hee giue it . Though my Spanish Lady , Be a young Gentleman of meanes , and scorne To share , as hee doth say , I doe not know How such a toy may tempt his Lady-ship : And therefore , I thinke best , it be assur'd . PVG. Sir , be the Ladies braue , wee goe vnto ? MER. O , yes . PVG. And shall I see 'hem , and speake to ' hem ? MER. What else ? ha'you your false-beard about you ? Traines . TRA. Yes , MER. And is this one of your double Cloakes ? TRA. The best of ' hem . MER. Be ready then . Sweet Pi●fall ! ACT. IIJ. SCENE . VI. MERE-CRAFT . PITFALL . PVG. TRAINES . COme , I must busse — PIT . Away . MER. I 'll set thee vp again . Offers to kisse . Neuer feare that : canst thou get ne'r a bird ? No Thrushes hungry ? Stay , till cold weather come , I 'll help thee to an Onsell , or , a Field-fare . She runs in , in haste : he followes . Who 's within , with Madame ? PIT . I 'll tell you straight . MER. Please you stay here , a while Sir , I 'le goe in . PVG. I doe so long to haue a little venery , While I am in this body ! I would tast Pug leaps at Pitfall's comming in . Of euery sinne , a little , if it might be After the māner of man ! Sweet-heart ! PIT . What would you , Sr ? PVG. Nothing but fall in , to you , be your Black-bird , My pretty pit ( as the Gentleman said ) your Throstle : Lye tame , and taken with you ; here'i 's gold ! To buy you so much new stuffes , from the shop , Traine's in his false cloak , brings a false message , and gets the ring . Mere-craft followes presently , and askes for it . Ent. Train's as himselfe againe . As I may take the old vp — TRA. You must send , Sir. The Gentleman the ring . PVG. There ' t is . Nay looke , Will you be foolish , Pit , PIT . This is strange rudenesse . PVG. Deare Pit. PIT . I 'll call , I sweare . MER. Where are you , Sr ? Is your ring ready ? Goe with me . PVG. I sent it you . MER. Me ? When ? by whom ? PVG. A fellow here , e'en now , Came for it i' your name . MER. I sent none , sure . My meaning euer was , you should deliuer it , Your selfe : So was your Masters charge , you know . What fellow was it , doe you know him ? PVG. Here , But now , he had it . MER. Saw you any ? Traines ? TRA. Not I. PVG. The Gentleman saw him . MER. Enquire . PVG. I was so earnest vpon her , I mark'd not ! My diuellish Chiefe has put mee here in flesh , To shame mee ! This dull body I am in , I perceiue nothing with ! I offer at nothing , That will succeed ! TRA. Sir , she saw none , she saies . PVG. Satan himselfe , has tane a shape t' abuse me . It could not be else ! MER. This is aboue strange ! That you should be so retchlesse . what 'll you do , Sir ? How will you answer this , when you are question'd ? PVG. Run from my flesh , if I could ▪ put off mankind ! This 's such a scorne ! and will be a new exercise , For my Arch-Duke ! Woe to the seuerall cudgells , Must suffer , on this backe ! Can you no succours ? Sir ? MER. Alas ! the vse of it is so present , PVG I aske , Sir , credit for another , but till to morrow ? MER. There is not so much time , Sir. But how euer , The Lady is a noble Lady , and will ( To saue a Gentleman from check ) be intreated To say , she ha's receiu'd it . PVG. Do you thinke so ? Will shee be won ? MER. No doubt , to such an office , It will be a Lady's brauery , and her pride . PVG. And not be knowne on 't after , vnto him ? MER. That were a treachery ! Vpon my word , Be confident . Returne vnto your master , My Lady President sits this after-noone , Ha'stan● the ring , commends her seruices ●nto your Lady-Dutchesse . You may say She 's a ciuill Lady , and do's giue her All her respects , already : Bad you , tell her She liues , but to receiue her wish'd commandements , And haue the honor here to kisse her hands : For which shee 'll stay this houre yet . Hasten you Your Prince , away . PVG. And Sir , you will take care Th' excuse be perfect ? MER. You confesse your feares . Too much . PVG. The shame is more , I 'll quit you of either . ACT. IIIJ. SCENE . I. TAILE-BVSH . MERE-CRAFT . MANLY. A Pox vpo ' referring to Commissioners , I 'had rather heare that it were past the seales : Your Courtiers moue so Snaile-like i' your Businesse . Wuld I had not begun wi' you . MER. We must moue , Madame , in order , by degrees : not iump . TAY. Why , there was Sr. Iohn Monie-man could iump A Businesse quickely . MER. True , hee had great friends , But , because some , sweete Madame , can leape ditches , Wee must not all shunne to goe ouer bridges . The harder parts , I make account are done : Now , 't is referr'd . You are infinitly bound Vnto the Ladies , they ha' so cri'd it vp ! TAY. Doe they like it then ? MER. They ha' sent the Spanish-Lady , To gratulate with you — TAY. I must send 'hem thankes And some remembrances . MER. That you must , and visit ' hem . Where 's Ambler ? TAY. Lost , to day , we cannot heare of him . MER. Not Madam ? TAY. No in good faith . They say he lay not At home , to night . And here has fall'n a Businesse Betweene your Cousin , and Master Manly , has Vnquieted vs all . MER. So I heare , Madame . Pray you how was it ? TAY. Troth , it but appeares Ill o' your Kinsmans part . You may haue heard , That Manly is a sutor to me , I doubt not : MER. I guess'd it , Madame . TAY. And it seemes , he trusted Your Cousin to let fall some faire reports Of him vnto mee . MER. Which he did ! TAY. So farre From it , as hee came in , and tooke him rayling Against him . MER. How ! And what said Manly to him ? TAY. Inough , I doe assure you : and with that scorne Of him , and the iniury , as I doe wonder How Euerill bore it ! But that guilt vndoe's Many mens valors MER. Here comes Manly . MAN. Madame , I 'll take my leaue — TAY. You sha'not goe , i'faith . I 'll ha' you stay , and see this Spanish miracle , Of our English Ladie . MAN. Let me pray your Ladiship , Lay your commands on me , some other time . TAY. Now , I protest : and I will haue all piec'd , And friends againe . MAN. It will be but ill solder'd ▪ TAY. You are too much affected with it . MAN. I cannot Madame , but thinke on 't for th'iniustice . TAY. Sir , His kinsman here is sorry . MER. Not I , Madam , I am no kin to him , wee but call Cousins , And if wee were , Sir , I haue no relation Vnto his crimes . MAN. You are not vrged with ' hem . I can accuse , Sir , none but mine owne iudgement , For though it were his crime , so to betray mee : I 'am sure , 't was more mine owne , at all to trust him . But he , therein , did vse but his old manners , And sauour strongly what hee was before . TAY. Come , he will change ! MAN. Faith , I must neuer think it . Nor were it reason in mee to expect That for my sake , hee should put off a nature Hee suck'd in with his milke . It may be Madam , Deceiuing trust , is all he has to trust to : If ●o , I shall be loath , that any hope Of mine , should bate him of his meanes . TAY. Yo' are sharp , Sir. This act may make him honest ! MAN If he were To be made honest , by an act of Parliament , I should not alter , i' my faith of him . TAY. Eyther-side ! Welcome , deare Either-side ! how hast thou done , good wench ? She spies the Lady Eyther-side . Thou hast beene a stranger ! I ha' not seene thee , this weeke . ACT. IIIJ. SCEN. E II. EJTHERSIDE . To them EVer your seruant , Madame . TAY. Where hast'hou beene ? I did so long to see thee . EIT. Visiting , and so tyr'd ! I protest , Madame , 't is a monstrous trouble ! TAY. And so it is . I sweare I must to morrow , Beginne my visits ( would they were ouer ) at Court. It tortures me , to thinke on 'hem . EIT. I doe heare You ha' cause , Madam , your sute goes on . TAY. Who told thee ? EYT. One , that can tell : Mr. Eyther-side . TAY. O , thy husband ! Yes faith , there 's life in 't , now : It is referr'd . If wee once see it vnder the seales , wench , then , Haue with 'hem for the great Carroch , sixe horses , And the two Coach-men , with my Ambler , bare , And my three women : wee will liue , i'faith , The examples o' the towne , and gouerne it . I 'le lead the fashion still . EIT. You doe that , now , Sweet Madame . TAY. O , but then , I 'll euery day Bring vp some new deuice . Thou and I , Either-side , Will first be in it , I will giue it thee ; And they shall follow vs. Thou shalt , I sweare , Weare euery moneth a new gowne , out of it . EIT. Thanke you good Madame . TAY. Pray thee call mee Taile-bush As I thee , Either-side ; I not loue this , Madame . EYT. Then I protest to you , Taile-bush , I am glad Your Businesse so succeeds . TAY. Thanke thee , good Eyther-side . EYT. But Master Either-side tells me , that he likes Your other Businesse better . TAY. Which ? EIT. O' the Tooth-picks . TAY. I neuer heard on 't . EIT. Aske Mr. Mere craft . MER. Madame ? H 'is one , in a word , I 'll trust his malice , With any mans credit , I would haue abus'd ! MAN. Mere-craft hath whisper'd with 〈◊〉 while . Sir , if you thinke you doe please mee , in this , You are deceiu'd ! MER. No , but because my Lady , Nam'd him my kinsman ; I would satisfie you , What I thinke of him : and pray you , vpon it To iudge mee ! MAN. So I doe : that ill mens friendship , Is as vnfaithfull , as themselues . TAY. Doe you heare ? Ha'you a Businesse about Tooth-picks ? MER. Yes , Madame . Did I ne'r tell 't you ? I meant to haue offer'd it Your Lady-ship ▪ on the perfecting the pattent . TAY. How is 't ! MER. For seruing the whole state with Tooth-picks ; ( Somewhat an intricate Businesse to discourse ) but — I shew , how much the Subiect is abus'd , First , in that one commodity ? then what diseases , And putrefactions in the gummes are bred , By those are made ' of ' adultrate , and false wood ? My plot , for reformation of these , followes . To haue all Tooth-picks , brought vnto an office , There seal'd ; and such as counterfait 'hem ▪ mulcted . And last , for venting 'hem to haue a booke Printed , to teach their vse , which euery childe Shall haue throughout the kingdome , that can read , And learne to picke his teeth by . Which beginning Earely to practice , with some other rules , Of neuer sleeping with the mouth open , ch●wing Some graines of masticke , Traines his man whispers him . will preserue the breath Pure , and so free from tayn ! — ha'what is 't ? sai'st thou ? TAY. Good faith , it sounds a very pretty Bus'nesse ! EIT. So Mr Either-side saies , Madame . MER. The Lady is come . TAY. Is she ? Good , waite vpon her in . My Ambler Was neuer so ill absent . Either-side , How doe I looke to day ? Am I not drest , She lookes in her glasse Spruntly ? ●IT . Yes , verily , Madame . TAY. Pox o' Madame , Will you not leaue that ? EIT. Yes , good Taile-bush . TAY. So ? Sounds not that better ? What vile Fucus is this , Thou hast got on ? EIT. 'T is Pearle . TAY. Pearle ? Oyster-shells : As I breath , Either-side , I know 't . Here comes ( They say ) a wonder , sirrah , has beene in Spaine ! Will teach vs all ! shee 's sent to mee , from Court. To gratulate with mee ! Pr'y thee , let 's obserue her , What faults she has , that wee may laugh at 'hem , When she is gone , EIT. That we will heartily , Tail-bush . Wittipol enters . TAY. O , mee ! the very Infanta of the Giants ! ACT. IIIJ. SCENE . IJI. MERE-CRAFT . WITTIPOL . to them . MER. Here is a noble Lady , Madame , come , Wittipol i● drest like a Spanish Lady . Excuses him selfe for not kissing . From your great friends , at Court , to see your Ladi-ship : And haue the honour of your acquaintance . TAY. Sir. She do's vs honour . WIT. Pray you , say to her Ladiship , It is the manner of Spaine , to imbrace onely , Neuer to kisse . She will excuse the custome ! TAY. Your vse of it is law . Please you , sweete , Madame , To take a seate . WIT. Yes , Madame . I' haue had The fauour , through a world of faire report ●o know your vertues , Madame ; and in that Name , haue desir'd the happinesse of presenting My seruice to your Ladiship ! TAY. Your loue , Madame , I must not owne it else . WIT. Both are due , Madame , To your great vndertakings . TAY. Great ? In troth , Madame , They are my friends , that thinke 'hem any thing : ●f I can doe my sexe ( by 'hem ) any seruice , I'haue my ends , Madame . WIT. And they are noble ones , That make a multitude beholden , Madame ▪ The common-wealth of Ladies , must acknowledge from you . EIT. Except some enuious , Madame . WIT. Yo' are right in that , Madame , Of which race , I encountred some but lately . ●●ho ( 't seemes ) haue studyed reasons to discredit Your businesse . TAY. How ▪ sweet Madame . WIT. Nay , the parties Wi'not be worth your pause — Most ruinous things , Madame , That haue put off all hope of being recouer'd To a degree of handsomenesse . TAY. But their reasons , Madame ? I would faine heare . WIT. Some Madame , I remember . They say , that painting quite destroyes the face — E●T . O , that 's an old one , Madame . WIT. There are new ones , too . Corrupts the breath ; hath left so little sweetnesse In kissing , as 't is now vs'd , but for fashion : And shortly will be taken for a punishment . Decayes the fore-teeth , that should guard the tongue ; And suffers that runne riot euer-lasting ! And ( which is worse ) some Ladies when they meete Manly begins to know him . Cannot be merry , and laugh , but they doe spit In one anothers faces ! MAN. I should know This voyce , and face too : VVIT. Then they say , 't is dangerous To all the falne , yet well dispos'd Mad-dames , That are industrious , and desire to earne Their liuing with their sweate ! For any distemper Of heat , and motion , may displace the colours ; And if the paint once runne about their faces , Twenty to one , they will appeare so ill-fauour'd , Their seruants run away , too , and leaue the pleasure Imperfect , and the reckoning al 's ' vnpay'd . EIT. Pox , these are Poets reasons . TAY. Some old Lady That keepes a Poet , has deuis'd these scandales . EIT. Faith we must haue the Poets banish'd , Madame , As Master Either-side saies . MER. Master Fitz dottrel ? And his wife : where ? Madame , the Duke of Drown'd-land , That will be shortly . VVIT. Is this my Lord ? MER. The same . ACT. IIIJ. SCENE . IV. FITZ-DOTTREL . Mistresse FITZ-DOTTRELL . PVG. to them . YOur seruant , Madame ! VVIT. How now ? Friend ? offended , That I haue found your haunt here ? MAN. No , Wittipol whispers with Manly . but wondring At your strange fashion'd venture , hither . VVIT. It is To shew you what they are , you so pursue . MAN. I thinke 't will proue a med'cine against marriage ; To know their manners . VVIT. Stay , and profit then . MER. The Lady , Madame , whose Prince has brought her , here , To be instructed . VVIT. Please you sit with vs , Lady . Hee presents Mistresse Fitz-dottrel . MER. That 's Lady-President . FIT. A goodly woman ! I cannot see the ring , though . MER. Sir , she has it . TAY. But , Madame , these are very feeble reasons ! WIT. So I vrg'd Madame , that the new complexion , Now to come forth , in name o' your Ladiship 's fucus , Had no ingredient — TAY. But I durst eate , I assure you . WIT. So do they , in Spaine . TAY. Sweet Madam be so liberall , To giue vs some o' your Spanish Fucuses ! VVIT. They are infinit , Madame . TAY. So I heare , they haue VVater of Gourdes , of Radish , the white Beanes , Flowers of Glasse , of Thistles , Rose-marine . Raw Honey , Mustard-seed , and Bread dough-bak'd , The crums o'bread , Goats-milke , and whites of Egges , Campheere , and Lilly-roots , the fat of Swannes , Marrow of Veale , white Pidgeons , and pine - kernells , The seedes of Nettles , perse'line , and hares gall . Limons , thin-skind — EIT. How , her Ladiship has studied Al excellent things ! VVIT. But ordinary , Madame . No , the true rarities , are th' Aluagada , And Argenta●a of Queene Isabella ! TAY. I , what are their ingredients , gentle Madame ? WIT. Your Allum Scagliola , or Pol-dipedra ; And Zuccarino ; Turpentine of Abezzo . VVash'd in nine waters : Soda di leuante , Or your Ferne ashes ; Beniamin di gotta ; Grasso di serpe ; Porcelletto marino ; Oyles of Lentisco ; Zucche Mugia ; make The admirable Vernish for the face , Giues the right luster ; but two drops rub'd on VVi●h a piece of scarlet , makes a Lady of sixty Looke at sixteen . But , aboue all , the water Of the white Hen , of the Lady Estifanias ! TAY. O , I , that same , good Madame , I haue heard of : How is it done ? VVIT. Madame , you take your Hen , Plume it , and skin it , cleanse it o' the inwards : Then chop it , bones and all : adde to foure ounces Of Carrnuacins , Pipitas , Sope of Cyprus , Make the decoction , streine it . Then distill it , And keepe it in your galley-pot well , glidder'd : Three drops preserues from wrinkles , warts , spots , moles , Blemish , or Sun-burnings , and keepes the skin In decimo sexto , euer bright , and smooth , As any looking-glasse ; and indeed , is call'd The Virgins milke for the face , Oglio reale ; A Ceruse , neyther cold or heat , will hurt ; And mixt with oyle of myrrhe , and the red Gilli-flower Call'd Cataputia ; and flowers of Rouistico ; Makes the best muta , or dye of the whole world . TAY. Deare Madame , will you let vs be familiar ? WIT. Your Ladiships seruant . MER ▪ How do you like her . FIT. Admirable ! Hee is iealous about his ring , and Mere-craft deliuers it . But , yet , I cannot see the ring . PVG. Sir. MER ▪ I must Deliuer it , or marre all . This foole 's so iealous . Madame — Sir , weare this ring , and pray you take knowledge , 'T was sent you by his wife . And giue her thanks , Doe not you dwindle , Sir , beare vp . PVG. I thanke you , Sir , TAY. But for the manner of Spaine ! Sweet , Madame , let vs Be bold , now we are in : Are all the Ladies , There , i' the fashion ? VVIT. None but Grandee's , Madame , O' the clasp'd traine , which may be worne at length , too , Or thus , vpon my arme . TAY. And doe they weare Cioppino's all ? VVIT. If they be drest in punto , Madame . EIT. Guilt as those are ? madame ? WIT. Of Goldsmiths work , madame ▪ And set with diamants : and their Spanish pumps Of perfum'd leather . TAI . I should thinke it hard To go in 'hem ▪ madame . WIT. At the first , it is , madame . TAI . Do you neuer fall in ' hem ? WIT. Neuer . EI. I sweare , I should Six times an houre . WIT. But you haue men at hand , still , To helpe you , if you fall ? EIT. Onely one , madame , The Guardo-duennas , such a little old man , As this . EIT. Alas ! hee can doe nothing ! this ! WIT. I 'll tell you , madame , I saw i' the Court of Spaine once , A Lady fall i' the Kings sight , along . And there shee lay , flat spred , as an Vmbrella , Her hoope here crack'd ; no man durst reach a hand To helpe her , till the Guarda-duenn'as came , VVho is the person onel'allow'd to touch A Lady there : and he but by this finger . EIT. Ha' they no seruants , madame , there ? nor friends ? WIT. An Escudero , or so madame , that wayts Vpon 'hem in another Coach , at distance , And when they walke , or daunce , holds by a hand-kercher , Neuer presumes to touch ' hem . EIT. This 's sciruy ! And a forc'd grauity ! I doe not like it . I like our owne much better . TAY. 'T is more French , And Courtly ours . EIT. And tasts more liberty . VVe may haue our doozen of visiters , at once , Make loue t 'vs . TAY. And before our husbands ? EIT. Husband ? As I am honest , Tayle-bush I doe thinke If no body should loue mee , but my poore husband , I should e'n hang my selfe . TAY. Fortune forbid , wench : So faire a necke should haue so foule a neck-lace , EIT. 'T is true , as I am handsome ! WIT. I receiu'd , Lady , A token from you , which I would not bee Rude to refuse , being your first remembrance . ( FIT. O , I am satisfied now ! MER. Do you see it , Sir. ) WIT. But since you come , to know me , neerer , Lady , I 'll begge the honour , you will weare it for mee , It must be so . Mrs . FIT. Sure I haue heard this tongue . MER. What do you meane , Sr ? WIT. Would you ha'me mercenary ? We 'll recompence it anon , in somewhat else , FIT. I doe not loue to be gull'd , though in a toy . VVife , doe you heare ? yo' are come into the Schole , wife , VVhere you may learne , I doe perceiue it , any thing ! How to be fine , or faire , or great , or proud , Or what you will , indeed , wife ; heere 't is taught . And I am glad on 't , that you may not say , Another day , when honours come vpon you , You wanted meanes . I ha' done my parts : beene , To day , at fifty pound charge , first , for a ring , To get you entred . Then left my new Play , To wait vpon you , here , to see 't confirm'd . That I may say , both to mine owne eyes , and eares , Senses , you are my witnesse , sha' hath inioy'd All helps that could be had , for loue , or money — Mrs . FIT. To make a foole of her . FIT. Wife , that 's your malice , The wickednesse o' you nature to interpret Your husbands kindesse thus . But I 'll not leaue ; Still to doe good , for your deprau'd affections : Intend it . Bend this stubborne will ; be great . TAY. Good Madame , whom do they vse in messages ? WI. They cōmonly vse their slaues , Madame . TAI . And do's your Ladiship . Thinke that so good , Madame ? WIT. no , indeed , Madame ; I , Therein preferre the fashion of England farre , Of your young delicate Page , or discreet Vsher , FIT. And I goe with your Ladiship , in opinion , Directly for your Gentleman-vsher , There 's not a finer Officer ▪ goes on ground . WIT. If hee be made and broken to his place , once . FIT. Nay , so I presuppose him . WIT. And they are fitter Managers too , Sir , but I would haue 'hem call'd Our Escudero's . FIT. Good. WIT. Say , I should send To your Ladiship , who ( I presume ) has gather'd All the deare secrets , to know how to make Pastillos of the Dutchesse of Braganza , Coquettas , Almoiauana's , Mantecada's , Alcoreas , Mustaccioli ; or say it were The Peladore of Isabella , or balls Against the itch , or aqua nanfa , or oyle Of lessamine for gloues , of the Marquesse Muja ; Or for the head , and hayre : why , these are offices FIT. Fit for a gentleman , not a slaue . They onely Might aske for your Spanish-cole , To burne , and sweeten a roome : but the Arcana Of Ladies Cabinets — FIT. Should be else where trusted . Yo' are much about the truth . Sweet honoured Ladies , Let mee fall in wi' you . I'ha ' my female wit , As well as my male . And I doe know what sutes A Lady of spirit , or a woman of fashion ! WIT. And you would haue your wife such . FIT. Yes , Madame , aërie , Light ; not to plaine dishonesty , I meane : But , somewhat o'th is side . WIT. I take you , Sir. H' has reason Ladies . I 'll not giue this rush For any Lady , that cannot be honest Within a thred . TAY. Yes , Madame , and yet venter As far for th' other , in her Fame — WIT. As can be ; Coach it to Pimlico ; daunce the Saraband ; Heare , and talke bawdy ; laugh as loud , as a larum ; Squeake , spring , do any thing . EIT. In young company , Madame . TAY. Or afore gallants . If they be braue , or Lords , A woman is ingag'd . FIT. I say so , Ladies , It is ciuility to deny vs nothing . PVG. You talke of a Vniuersity ! why , Hell is A Grammar-schoole to this ! EIT. But then , Shee must not lose a looke on stuffes , or cloth , Madame . TAY. Nor no course fellow . WIT. She must be guided , Madame By the clothes he weares , and company he is in ; Whom to salute , how farre — FIT. I ha' told her this . And how that baw●ry too , vpo ' the point , Is ( in it selfe ) as ciuill a discourse — WIT ▪ As any other affayre of flesh , what euer . FIT. But shee will ne'r be capable , shee is not So much as comming , Madame ; I know not how She lo●es all her opportunities With hoping to be forc'd . I'haue entertain'd A gentleman , a younger brother , here , Whom I would faine breed vp , her Escudero , He shews his Pug. Against some expectation's that I haue , And she 'll not countenance him . WIT. What 's his name ? FIT. Diuel , o' Darbi-shire . EIT. Blesse vs from him ! TAY. Diuell ? Call him De uile , sweet Madame . Mrs . FI What you please , Ladies . TAY. De-uile's a prettier name ! EIT. And sounds , me thinks , As it came in with the Conquerour — MAN. Ouer smocks ! What things they are ? That nature should be at leasure Euer to make ' hem ! my woing is at an end . Manly goes out with indignation . WIT. What can he do ? EIT. Let 's heare him . TAY. Can he manage ? FIT. Please you to try him , Ladies . Stand forth , Diuell . PVG. Was all this but the preface to my torment ? FIT. Come , let their Ladiships see your honours . EIT. O , Hee makes a wicked leg . TAY. As euer I saw ! WIT. Fit for a Diuell . TAY. Good Madame , call him De-uile . WIT. De-uile , They begin their Catechisme . what property is there most required I' your conceit , now , in the Escudero ? FIT. Why doe you not speake ? PVG. A setled discreet pase , Madame . WIT. I thinke , a barren head , Sir , Mountaine-like , To be expos'd to the cruelty of weathers — FIT. I , for his Valley is beneath the waste , Madame , And to be fruitfull there , it is sufficient . Dulnesse vpon you ! Could not you hit this ? PVG. Good Sir — WIT. He then had had no barren head . He strikes him . You daw him too much , in troth , Sir. FIT. I must walke With the French sticke , like an old vierger for you , The Diuell prayes . PVG. O , Chiefe , call mee to Hell againe , and free mee . FIT. Do you murmur now ? PVG. Not I , Sr. WIT. What do you take M ● . Deuile , the height of your employment , In the true perfect Escudero ? FIT. When ? What doe you answer ? PVG. To be able , Madame , First to enquire , then report the working , Of any Ladies physicke , in sweete phrase , WIT. Yes , that 's an act of elegance , and importance . But what aboue ? FIT. O , that I had a goad for him . PVG. To find out a good Corne-cutter . TAY. Out on him ! EIT. Most barbarous ! FIT. Why did you doe this , now ? Of purpose to discredit me ? you damn'd Diuell . PVG. Sure , if I be not yet , I shall be . All My daies in Hell , were holy-daies to this ! TAY. 'T is labour lost , Madame ? EIT. H 'is a dull fellow Of no capacity ! TAI Of no discourse ! O , if my Ambler had beene here ! EIT. I , Madame ; You talke of a man , where is there such another ? WIT. Mr. Deuile , put case , one of my Ladies , heere , Had a fine brach : and would imploy you forth To treate 'bout a conuenient match for her . What would you obserue ? PVG. The color , and the size , Madame . WIT. And nothing else ? FIT. The Moon , you calfe , the Moone ! WIT. I , and the Signe . TAI . Yes , and receits for pronenesse . WIT. Then when the Puppies came , what would you doe ? PVG. Get their natiuities cast ! WIT. This 's wel . What more ? PVG. Consult the Almanack-man which would be least ? Which cleaneliest ? WIT. And which silentest ? This 's wel , madame ! WIT. And while she were with puppy ? PVG. Walke her out , And ayre her euery morning ! WIT. Very good ! And be industrious to kill her fleas ? PVG. Yes ! WIT. He will make a pretty proficient . PVG. Who , Comming from Hell , could looke for such Catechising ? The Diuell is an Asse . I doe acknowledge it . FIT. Fitz-dottrel admires Wittipol . The top of woman ! All her sexe in abstract ! I loue her , to each syllable , falls from her . TAI . Good madame giue me leaue to goe aside with him ! And try him a little ! WIT. Do , and I 'll with-draw , Madame , The Diuell praies again . VVith this faire Lady : read to her , the while . TAI . Come , Sr. PVG. Deare Chiefe , relieue me , or I perish . WIT. Lady , we 'll follow . You are not iealous Sir ? FIT He giues his wife to him , taking him to be a Lady . O , madame ! you shall see . Stay wife , behold , I giue her vp heere , absolutely , to you , She is your owne . Do with her what you will ! Melt , cast , and forme her as you shall thinke good ! Set any stamp on ! I 'll receiue her from you As a new thing , by your owne standard ! VVIT. Well , Sir ! ACT. IIIJ. SCENE . V. MERE-CRAFT . FITZ-DOTTREL . PIT-FAL . EVER-ILL . PLVTARCHVS . BVt what ha' you done i' your Dependance , since ? FIT. O , it goes on , I met your Cousin , the Master — MER. You did not acquaint him , Sr ? FIT. Faith , but I did , Sr. And vpon better thought , not without reason ! He being chiefe Officer , might ha'tane it ill , else , As a Contempt against his Place , and that In time Sir , ha' drawne on another Dependance . No , I did finde him in good termes , and ready To doe me any seruice . MER. So he said , to you ? But Sr , you do not know him . FIT. VVhy , I presum'd Because this bus'nesse of my wiues , requir'd mee , I could not ha' done better : And hee told Me , that he would goe presently to your Councell , A Knight , here , i' the Lane — MER. Yes , Iustice Either-side . FIT : And get the Feoffment drawne , with a letter of Atturney , For liuerie and seisen ! MER. That I knowe's the course . But Sir , you meane not to make him Feoffee ? FIT. Nay , that I 'll pause on ! MER. How now little Pit-fall . PIT . Your Cousin Master Euer-ill , would come in — But he would know if Master Manly were heere . MER. No , tell him , if he were , I ha' made his peace ! Mere-craft whispers against him . Hee 's one , Sir , has no State , and a man knowes not , How such a trust may tempt him . FIT. I conceiue you . EVE . Sr. this same deed is done here . MER. Pretty Plutarchus ? Art thou come with it ? and has Sir Paul view'd it ? PLV. His hand is to the draught . MER. VVill you step in , Sr. And read it ? FIT. Yes . EVE . I pray you a word wi' you . Eueril whispers against Mere-craft . Sir Paul Eitherside will'd mee gi' you caution , VVhom you did make Feoffee : for 't is the trust O' your whole State : and though my Cousin heere Be a worthy Gentleman , yet his valour has At the tall board bin question'd ; and we hold Any man so impeach'd , of doubtfull honesty ! I will not iustifie this ; but giue it you To make your profit of it : if you vtter it , I can forsweare it ! FIT. I beleeue you , and thanke you , Sir. ACT. IIIJ. SCENE . VI. VVITTIPOL . Mistresse FITZ-DOTTREL . MANLY. MERE-CRAFT . BE not afraid , sweet Lady : yo' are trusted To loue , not violence here ; I am no rauisher , But one , whom you , by your faire trust againe , May of a seruant make a most true friend . Mrs . FI. And such a one I need , but not this way : Sir , I confesse me to you , the meere manner Of your attempting mee , this morning tooke mee , And I did hold m'inuention , and my manners , Were both engag'd , to giue it a requitall ; But not vnto your ends : my hope was then , ( Though interrrupted , ere it could be vtter'd ) That whom I found the Master of such language , That braine and spirit , for such an enterprise , Could not , but if those succours were demanded To a right vse , employ them vertuously ! And make that profit of his noble parts , Which they would yeeld . Sr , you haue now the ground , To exercise them in : I am a woman ; That cannot speake more wretchednesse of my selfe , Then you can read ; match'd to a masse of folly ; That euery day makes haste to his owne ruine ; The wealthy portion , that I brought him , spent ▪ And ( through my friends neglect ) no ioynture made me . My fortunes standing in this precipice , T is Counsell that I want , and honest aides : And in this name , I need you , for a friend ! Neuer in any other ; for his ill , Must not make me , Sr , worse . MAN. O friend ! forsake not Manly , conceal'd this while , shews himselfe . The braue occasion , vertue offers you , To keepe you innocent : I haue fear'd for both ; And watch'd you , to preuent the ill I fear'd . But , since the weaker side hath so assur'd mee , Let not the stronger fall by his owne vice , Or be the lesse a friend , cause vertue needs him . WIT. Vertue shall neuer aske my succours twice ; Most friend , most man ; your Counsells are commands : Lady , I can loue goodnes in you , more Then I did Beauty ; and doe here intitle Your vertue , to the power , vpon a life You shall engage in any fruitfull seruice , Euen to forfeit . MER. Madame : Do you heare , Sir , We haue another leg-strain'd , for this Dottrel . Mere-craft takes Wittipol aside , & moues a proiect for himselfe . He ' ha's a quarrell to carry , and ha's caus'd A deed of Feoffment , of his whole estate To be drawne yonder ; h'ha'st within : And you , Onely , he meanes to make Feoffee . H 'is falne So desperatly enamour'd on you , and talkes Most like a mad-man : you did neuer heare A Phre●t●●● so in loue with his owne fauour ! Now , you doe know , 't is of no validity In your name , as you stand ; Therefore aduise him To put in me . ( h 'is come here : ) You shall share Sir. ACT. IV. SCENE . VIJ. VVITTIPOL . Mistresse FITZ-DOTTREL . MANLY. MERE-CRAFT . FITZ-DOTTRELL . EVERILL . PLVTARCHVS . FIT. Madame , I haue a suit to you ; and afore-hand , I doe bespeake you ; you must not deny me , I will be graunted . WIT. Sir , I must know it , though . FIT. No Lady ; you must not know it : yet , you must too . For the trust of it , and the fame indeed , Which else were lost me . I would vse your name , But in a Feoffment : make my whole estate Ouer vnto you : a trifle , a thing of nothing , Some eighteene hundred . Wit. Alas ! I vnderstand not Those things Sir. I am a woman , and most loath , To embarque my selfe — FIT. You will not slight me , Madame ? WIT. Nor you 'll not quarrell me ? FIT. No , sweet Madame , I haue Already a dependance ; for which cause I doe this : let me put you in , deare Madame , I may be fairely kill'd . WIT. You haue your friends , Sir , About you here , for choice . EVE . She tells you right , Sir. FIT. Death , if she doe , what do I care for that ? Say , I would haue her tell me wrong . WIT. Why , Sir , If for the trust , you 'll let me haue the honor To name you one . FIT. Nay , you do me the honor , Madame : Who is 't ? WIT. This Gentleman : FIT. O , no , sweet Madame , ●●'is friend to him , with whom I ha' the dependance . WIT. Who might he bee ? FIT. One Wittipol : do you know him ? WIT. Alas Sir , he , a toy : This Gentleman A friend to him ? no more then I am Sir ! FIT. But will your Ladyship vndertake that , Madame ? WIT. Yes , and what else , for him , you will engage me . FIT. What is his name ? VVIT. His name is Eustace Manly . FIT. VVhence do's he write himselfe ? VVIT. of Middle-sex , Esquire . FIT. Say nothing , Madame . Clerke , come hether VVrite Eustace Manly , Squire o' Middle-sex . MER. What ha' you done , Sir ? VVIT. Nam'd a gentleman , That I 'll be answerable for , to you , Sir. Had I nam'd you , it might ha' beene suspected : This way , 't is safe . FIT. Come Gentlemen , your hands , For witnes . MAN. VVhat is this ? EVE . You ha' made Election Of a most worthy Gentleman ! MAN. VVould one of worth Had spoke it : whence it comes , it is Rather a shame to me , then a praise . EVE . Sir , I will giue you any Satisfaction . MAN. Be silent then : " falshood commends not truth . PLV. You do deliuer this , Sir , as your deed . To th' vse of Mr. Manly ? FIT. Yes : and Sir — VVhen did you see yong Wittipol ? I am ready , For processe now ; Sir , this is Publication . He shall heare from me , he would needes be courting My wife , Sir. MAN. Yes : So witnesseth his Cloake there . FIT. Nay good Sir , — Madame , you did vndertake — VVIT. VVhat ? FIT. That he was not Wittipols friend . VVIT. I heare Sr. no confession of it . FIT. O she know's not ; Now I remember , Madame ! This young Wittipol , VVould ha' debauch'd my wife , and made me Cuckold , Through a casement ; he did fly her home To mine owne window : but I think I sou't him , And raui●h'd her away , out of his pownces . I ha' sworne to ha 'him by the eares : I feare The toy , wi' not do me right . VVIT. No ? that were pitty ! VVhat right doe you aske , Sir ? Here he is will do 't you ? FIT. Wittipol discouers himselfe . Ha ? Wittipol ? VVIT. I Sir , no more Lady now , Not Spaniard ! MAN. No indeed , 't is Wittipol . FIT. Am I the thing I fear'd ? VVIT. A Cuckold ? No Sir , But you were late in possibility , I 'll tell you so much . MAN. But your wife 's too vertuous ! VVIT. VVee 'll see her Sir , at home , and leaue you here , To be made Duke o' Shore-ditch with a proiect . FIT. Theeues , rauishers . VVIT. Crie but another note , Sir , I 'll marre the tune , o' your pipe ! FIT. Gi'me my deed , then . VVIT. Neither : that shall be kept for your wiues good , VVho will know , better how to vse it . FIT. Ha' To feast you with my land ? VVIT. Sir , be you quiet , Or I shall gag you , ere I goe , consult Your Master of dependances ; how to make this A second businesse , you haue time Sir. FIT· Oh! VVhat will the ghost of my wise Grandfather , VVitipol bafflees him , and goes out My learned Father , with my worshipfull Mother , Thinke of me now , that left me in this world In state to be their Heire ? that am become A Cuckold , and an Asse , and my wiues Ward ; Likely to loose my land ; ha' my throat cut : All , by her practice ! MER. Sir , we are all abus'd ! FIT. And be so still ! VVho hinders you , I pray you , Let me alone , I would enioy my selfe , And be the Duke o' Drown'd Land , you ha' made me . MER. Sir , we must play an after-game o' this FIT. But I am not in case to be a Gam-ster : I tell you once againe — MER You must be rul'd And take some counsell . FIT. Sir , I do hate counsell , As I do hate my wife , my wicked wife ! MER. But we may thinke how to recouer all : If you will act . FIT. I will not think ; nor act ; Nor yet recouer ; do not talke to me ? I 'll runne out o' my witts , rather then heare ; I will be what I am , Fabian Fitz-Dottrel , Though all the world say nay to 't . MER. Let 's follow him . ACT. V. SCENE . I. AMBLER . PITFALL . MERE-CRAFT . BVt ha's my Lady mist me ? PIT . Beyond telling ! Here ha's been that infinity of strangers ! And then she would ha' had you , to ha' sampled you VVith one within , that they are now a teaching ; And do's pretend to your ranck . AMB. Good fellow Pit-fall , Tel Mr. Mere-craft , I intreat a word with him . Pitfall goes out . This most vnlucky accident will goe neare To be the losse o' my place ; I am in doubt ! MER. VVith me ? what say you Mr Ambler ? AMB. Sir , I would beseech your worship stand betweene Me , and my Ladies displeasure , for my absence . MER. O , is that all ? I warrant you . AMB. I would tell you Sir But how it happened . MER. Briefe , good Master Ambler , Put your selfe to your rack : for I haue tasque Of more importance . AMB. Sir you 'll laugh at me ! But ( so is Truth ) a very friend of mine , Finding by conference with me , that I liu'd Too chast for my complexion ( and indeed Too honest for my place , Sir ) did aduise me If I did loue my selfe ( as that I do , I must confesse ) MER. Spare your Parenthesis . AMB. To gi' my body a little euacuation — MER. Well , and you went to a whore ? AMB. No , Sr. I durst not ( For feare it might arriue at some body's eare , It should not ) trust my selfe to a common house ; Ambler tels this with extraordinary speed . But got the Gentlewoman to goe with me , And carry her bedding to a Conduit-head , Hard by the place toward Tyborne , which they call My L. Majors Banqueting-house . Now Sir , This morning Was Execution ; and I ner'e dream't on 't , Till I heard the noise o' the people , and the horses ; And neither I ▪ nor the poore Gentlewoman Durst stirre , till all was done and past : so that I' the Interim , we fell a sleepe againe . He stags MER. Nay , if you fall , from your gallop , I am gone Sr. AMB. But , when I wak'd , to put on my cloathes , a sute , I made new for the action , it was gone , And all my money , with my purse , my seales , My hard-wax , and my table-bookes , my studies , And a fine new deuise , I had to carry My pen , and inke , my ciuet , and my tooth-picks , All vnder one . But , that which greiu'd me , was The Gentlewomans shoes ( with a paire of roses , And garters , I had giuen her for the businesse ) So as that made vs stay , till it was darke . For I was faine to lend her mine , and walke In a rug , by her , barefoote , to Saint Giles'es . MER. A kind of Irish penance ! Is this all , Sir ? AMB. To satisfie my Lady . MER. I will promise you , Sr. AMB. I ha' told the true Disaster . MER. I cannot stay wi' you Sir , to condole ; but gratulate your returne . AMB. An honest gentleman , but he 's neuer at leisure To be himselfe : He ha's such tides of businesse . ACT. V. SCENE . II. PVG. AMBLER . O , Call me home againe , deare Chiefe , and put me To yoaking foxes , milking of Hee-goates , Pounding of water in a morter , lauing The sea dry with a nut-shell , gathering all The leaues are falne this Autumne , drawing farts Out of dead bodies , making ropes of sand , Catching the windes together in a net , Mustring of ants , and numbring atomes ; all That hell , and you thought exquisite torments , rather Then stay me here , a thought more : I would sooner Keepe fleas within a circle , and be accomptant A thousand yeere , which of 'hem and how far Out leap'd the other , then endure a minute Such as I haue within . There is no hell To a Lady of fashion . All your tortures there Ambler comes in , & suruayes him Are pastimes to it . 'T would be a refreshing For me , to be i' the sire againe , from hence . AMB. This is my suite , and those the shoes and roses ! PVG. Th' haue such impertinent vexations , A generall Councell o' diuels could not hit — Pug perceiues it , and starts . Ha! This is hee , I tooke a sleepe with his Wench , And borrow'd his cloathes . What might I doe to balke him ? AMB. Do you heare , Sr ? PVG. Answ. him but not to th' purpose AMB. What is your name , I pray you Sir. PVG. Is 't so late Sir ? AMB. I aske not o' the time , but of your name , Sir , PVG. I thanke you , Sir. Yes it dos hold Sir , certaine . AMB. Hold , Sir ? What holds ? I must both hold , and talke to you About these clothes . PVG. A very pretty lace ! But the Taylor cossend me . AMB. No , I am cossend By you ! robb'd . PVG· Why , when you please Sir , I am For three peny Gleeke , your man AMB. Pox o' your gleeke , And three pence . Giue me an answere . PVG. Sir , My master is the best at it . AMB. Your master ! Who is your Master . PVG. Let it be friday night . AMB. What should be then ? PVG. Your best songs Thom. o' Bet'lem AMB. I thinke , you are he . Do's he mocke me trow , from purpose ? Or do ●ot I speake to him , what I meane ? Good Sir your name . PVG. Only a couple a' Cocks Sir , If we can get a Widgin , 't is in season . AMB. He hopes to make on o' these Scipticks o' me ( I thinke I name 'hem right ) and do's not fly me . I wonder at that ! 't is a strange confidence ! I 'll prooue another way , to draw his answer . ACT. V. SCENE . IIJ. MERE-CRAFT . FITZ-DOTTREL ▪ EVERILL . PVG. It is the easiest thing Sir , to be done . As plaine , as fizzling : roule but wi' your eyes , And foame at th' mouth . A little castle-soape Will do 't , to rub your lips : And then a nutshell , With toe , and touch-wood in it to spit fire , Did you ner'e read , Sir , little Darrels tricks , With the boy o' Burton , and the 7. in Lancashire , Sommers at Nottingham ? All these do teach it . And wee 'll giue out , Sir , that your wife ha's bewitch'd you : EVE . And practised with those two , as Sorcerers . MER. And ga' you potions , by which meanes you were Not Compos mentis , when you made your feoffment . There 's no recouery o' your state , but this : This , Sir , will sting . EVE . And moue in a Court of equity . MER. For , it is more then manifest , that this was A plot o' your wiues , to get your land . FIT. I thinke it . EVE . Sir it appeares . MER. Nay , and my cossen has knowne These gallants in these shapes . EVE . T' haue don strange things , Sir ▪ One as the Lady , the other as the Squire . MER. How , a mans honesty may be fool'd ! I thought him A very Lady . FIT. So did I : renounce me else . MER. But this way , Sir , you 'll be reueng'd at height . EVE . Vpon 'hem all . MER. Yes faith , and since your Wife Has runne the way of woman thus , e'en giue her — FIT. Lost by this hand , to me ; dead to all ioyes Of her deare Dottrell , I shall neuer pitty her : That could , pitty her selfe . MER. Princely resolu'd Sir , And like your selfe still , in Potentià . ACT. V. SCENE . IV. MERE-CRAFT , &c. to them . GVILT-HEAD . SLEDGE-PLVTARCHVS . SERIEANTS . GVilt-head what newes . ? FIT. O Sir , my hundred peices : Let me ha' them yet . GVI. Yes Sir , officers Arrest him . FIT. Me ? SER. I arrest you . SLE. Keepe the peace , I charge you gentlemen . FIT. Arrest me ? Why ? GVI. For better security , Sir. My sonne Plutarchus Assures me , y' are not worth a groat . PLV. Pardon me , Father , I said his worship had no foote of Land left : And that I 'll iustifie , for I writ the deed . FIT. Ha' you these tricks i' the citty ? GVI. Yes , and more . Arrest this gallant too , here , at my suite . SLE. I , and at mine . He owes me for his lodging Two yeere and a quarter . MER. Why M. Guilt-head , Land-Lord , Thou art not mad , though th' art Constable Puft vp with th'pride of the place ? Do you heare , Sirs . Haue I deseru'd this from you two ? for all My paines at Court , to get you each a patent GVI. For what ? MER. Vpo ' my proiect o' the forkes , SLE. Forkes ? what be they ? MER. The laudable vse of forkes , Brought into custome here , as they are in Italy , To th' sparing o' Napkins . That , that should haue made Your bellowes goe at the forge , as his at the fornace . I ha' procur'd it , ha' the Signet for it , Dealt with the Linnen-drapers , on my priuate , By cause , I fear'd , they were the likelyest euer To stirre against , to crosse it : for 't will be A mighty sauer of Linnen through the kingdome ( As that is one o' my grounds , and to spare washing ) Now , on you two , had I layd all the profits . Guilt-h●ad to haue the making of all those O● go●d and siluer , for the better personages ; And you , of those of Steele for the common sort . And both by Pattent , I had brought you your seales in . But now you haue preuented me , and I thanke you . SLE. Sir , I will bayle you , at mine owne ap-perill . MER. Nay choose . PLV. Do you so too , good Father . CVI. I like the fashion o' the proiect , well , The forkes ! It may be a lucky one ! and is not Intricate , as one would say , but fit for Plaine heads , as ours , to deale in . Do you heare Officers , we discharge you . MER. Why this shewes A little good nature in you , I confesse , But do not tempt your friends thus . Little Guilt-head , Aduise your sire , great Guilt-head from these courses : And , here , to trouble a great man in reuersion , For a matter o' fifty on a false Alarme , Away , it shewes not well . Let him get the pieces And bring ' hem . Yo 'll heare more else . PLV. Father . ACT. V. SCENE . V. AMBLER . To them . O Master Sledge , are you here ? I ha' been to seeke you . You are the Constable , they say . Here 's one That I do charge with Felony , for the suite He weares , Sir. MER. Who ? M. Fitz-Dottrels man ? Ware what you do , M. Ambler . AMB. Sir , these clothes I 'll sweare , are mine : and the shooes the gentlewomans I told you of : and ha' him afore a Iustice , I will. PVG. My master , Sir , will passe his word for me . AMB. O , can you speake to purpose now ? FIT. Not I , If you be such a one Sir , I will leaue you To your God fathers in Law. Let twelue men worke . PVG Do you heare Sir , pray , in priuate . FIT. well , what say you ? Briefe , for I haue no time to loose ▪ PVG. Truth is , Sir , I am the very Diuell , and had leaue To take this body , I am in , to serue you : Which was a Cutpurses , and hang'd this Morning ▪ And it is likewise true , I stole this suite To cl●th me with . Bu● Sir let me not goe To prison for it . I haue hitherto Lost time , done nothing ; showne , indeed , no part ▪ O' my Diuels nature . Now , I will so helpe Your malice , 'gainst these parties : so aduance The businesse , that you haue in hand of witchcraft , An● your possession , as my selfe were in you . Teach you ●uch tricks , to make your belly swell , And your eyes turne , to foame , to stare , to gnash Your teeth together , and to beate your selfe , Laugh loud , and faine six voices — FIT. Out you Rogue ! You most infernall counterfeit wretch ! Auaunt ! Do you thinke to gull me with your ▪ Aesops Fables ? Here take him to you , I ha' no part in him . PVG. Sir. FIT. Away , I do disclaime , I will not heare you . MER. What said he to you , Sir ? FIT. Like a lying raskall And sends him away . Told me he was the Diuel . MER. How ! a good iest ! FIT. And that he would teach me , such fine diuels tricks For our new resolution . EVE . O' pox on him , 'T was excellent wisely done , Sir , not to trust him ▪ MER Why , if he were the Diuel , we sha' not need him , If you 'll be rul'd . Goe throw your selfe on a bed , Sir , And faine you ill . Wee 'll not be seene wi' you , Till after , that you haue a fit : and all Confirm'd within . Keepe you with the two Ladies And perswade them . I 'll to Iustice Either-side , And possesse him with all . Traines shall seeke out Ingine , And they two fill the towne with 't , euery cable Is to be veer'd . We must employ out all Our emissaries now ; Sir , I will send you Bladders and Bellowes . Sir , be confident , 'T is no hard thing t' out doe the Deuill in : A Boy o' thirteene yeere old made him an Asse But ●'toher day . FIT. Well , I 'll beginne to practice , And scape the imputation of being Cuckold , By mine owne act . MER. yo' are right . EVE . Come , you ha' put Your selfe to a simple coyle here , and your freinds , By dealing with new Agents , in new plots . MER. No more o' that , sweet cousin . EVE . What had you To doe with this same Wittipol , for a Lady ? MER. Question not tha● : 't is done . EVE . You had some straine ' Boue E la ? MER. I had indeed . EVE . And , now , you crack for 't . MER. Do not vpbraid me . EVE . Come , you must be told on 't ; You are so couetous , still , to embrace More then you can , that you loose all . MER. 'T is right . What would you more , then Guilty ? Now , your succours . ACT. V. SCENE . VJ. SHAKLES . PVG INIQVITY . DIVEL . HEre you are lodg'd , Sir , you must send your garnish , Pug is brought to New-gate . If you 'll be priuat . PVG. There it is , Sir , leaue me . To New-gate , brought ? How is the name of Deuill Discredited in me ! What a lost fiend Shall I be , on returne ? My Cheife will roare ●n triumph , now , that I haue beene on earth , A day , and done no noted thing , but brought That body back here , was hang'd out this morning . Enter Iniquity the Vice. Well! would it once were midnight , that I knew My vtmost . I thinke Time be drunke , and sleepes ; He is so still , and moues not ! I doe glory Now i' my torment . Neither can I expect it , I haue it with my fact . INI. Child of hell , be thou merry : Put a looke on , as round , boy , and red as a cherry . Cast care at thy posternes ; and firke i' thy fetters , They are ornaments , Baby , haue graced thy betters : Looke vpon me , and hearken . Our Cheife doth salute thee , And least the coldyron should chance to confute thee , H' hath sent thee , grant-paroll by me to stay longer A moneth here on earth , against cold Child , or honger PVG. How ? longer here a moneth ? ING . Yes , boy , till the Session , That so thou mayest haue a triumphall egression . PVG. In a cart , to be hang'd . ING . No , Child , in a Carre , The charriot of Triumph , which most of them are . And in the meane time , to be greazy , and bouzy , And nasty , and filthy , and ragged and louzy , With dam'n me , renounce me , and all the fine phrases ; That bring , vnto Tiborne , the plentifull gazes . PVG. He is a Diuell ! and may be our Cheife ! The great Superiour Diuell ! for his malice : Arch-diuel ! I acknowledge him . He knew What I would suffer , when he tie'd me vp thus In a rogues body : and he has ( I thanke him ) His tyrannous pleasure on me , to confine me To the vnlucky carkasse of a Cutpurse , Wherein I could do nothing . DIV. Impudent fiend , Stop thy lewd mouth . The great Deuill enters , and vpbraids him with all his dayes worke . Doest thou not shame and tremble To lay thine owne dull damn'd defects vpon An innocent case , there ? Why thou heauy slaue ! The spirit , that did possesse that fresh before Put more true life , in a finger , and a thumbe , Then thou in the whole Masse . Yet thou rebell'st And murmur'st ? What one profer hast thou made , Wicked inough , this day , that might be call'd Worthy thine owne , much lesse the name that sent thee ? First , thou did'st helpe thy selfe into a beating Promptly , and with t endangered'st too thy tongue : A Diuell , and could not keepe a body intire One day ! That , for our credit . And to vindicate it , Hinderd'st ( for ought thou know'st ) a deed of darknesse : Which was an act of that egregious folly , As no one , to'ard the Diuel , could ha' thought on . This for your acting ! but for suffering ! why Thou hast beene cheated on , with a false beard , And a turn'd cloake . Faith , would your predecessour The Cutpurse , thinke you , ha' been so ? Out vpon thee , The hurt th' hast don , to let men know their strength , And that the' are able to out-doe a diuel Put in a body , will for euer be A scarre vpon our Name ! whom hast thou dealt with , Woman or man , this day , but haue out-gone thee Some way , and most haue prou'd the better fiendes ? Yet , you would be imploy'd ? Yes , hell shall make you Prouinciall o' the heaters ! or Bawd-ledger , For this side o' the towne ! No doubt you 'll render A rare accompt of things . Bane o' your itch , And scratching for imployment . I 'll ha' brimstone To al lay it sure , and fire to sindge your nayles off , But , that I would not such a damn'd dishonor Sticke on our state , as that the diuell were hang'd ; And could not saue a body , that he tooke From Tyborne , but it must come thither againe : Iniquity takes him on his back . You should e'en ride . But , vp away with him — INI. Mount , dearling of darkenesse , my shoulders are broad : He that caries the fiend , is sure of his loade . The Diuell was wont to carry away the euill ; But , now , the Euill out-carries the Diuell . ACT. V. SCENE . VIJ. SHACKLES . KEEPERS . O mee ! 1. KEE . What 's this ? 2. A piece of Iustice Hall Is broken downe . A great noise is heard in Newgate , and the Keepers come out affrighted . 3. Fough ! what 〈…〉 of brimstone Is here ? 4. The prisoner 's dead , came in but now ▪ SHA Ha ? where ? 4. Look here . KEE . S'lid , I shuld know his countenance ! It is Gill-Cut-purse , was hang'd out , this morning ! SHA. 'T is he ! 2. The Diuell , sure , has a hand in this ! 3. What shall wee doe ? SHA. Carry the newes of it Vnto the Sherifes . 1. And to the Iustices . 4. This strange ! 3. And sauours of the Diuell , strongly ! 2. I' ha' the sulphure of Hell-coale i' my nose . 1. Fough . SHA. Carry him in . 1. Away . 2. How ranke it is ! ACT. V. SCENE . VIII . Sir POVLE . MERE-CRAFT . EVER-ILL . TRAINES . PITFALL . FITZ-DOTTREL . them VVITTIPOL-MANLY . Mistresse FITZ-DOTTREL . INGINE. them GVILT-HEAD . SLEDGE . them SHACKLES . THis was the notablest Conspiracy , The Iustice comes out wondring , and the rest informing him . That ere I heard of . MER. Sir , They had giu'n him potions , That did enamour him on the counterfeit Lady — EVE . Iust to the time o'deliuery o' the deed — MER. And then the witchcraft ' gan't ' appeare , for streight He fell into his fit . EVE . Of rage at first , Sir , Which since has so increased . TAY. Good Sr. Poule , see him , And punish the impostors . POV. Therefore I come , Madame . EIT. Let Mr Etherside alone , Madame . POV. Do you heare ? Call in the Constable , I will haue him by : H 'is the Kings Officer ! and some Cittizens , Of credit ! I 'll discharge my conscience clearly . MER. Yes , Sir , and send for his wife . EVE . And the two Sorcerers , By any meanes ! TAY. I thought one a true Lady , I should be sworne . So did you , Eyther-si●● ? EIT. Yes , by that light , would I might ●e'r stir else , Tailbush . TAY. And the other a ciuill Gentleman . EVE . But ▪ Madame , You know what I told your Ladyship . TAY. I now see it : I was prouiding of a banquet for ' hem . After I had done instructing o' the fellow De●uile , the Gentlemans man MER. Who 's found a thiefe , Madam . And to haue rob'd your Vsher , Master Ambler , This morning . TAY. How ? MER. I'●l tell you more , anon . He beginnes his fit . FIT. Gi me some garlicke , garlicke , garlicke , garlicke . MER. Harke the poore Gentleman , how he is tormented ! FIT. My wife is a whore , I 'll kisse her no more : and why ? Ma'st not thou be a Cuckold , as well as I ? Ha , ha , ha , ha , ha , ha , ha , ha , &c. POV. That is the Diuell speakes , and laughes in him . MER. Do you thinke so , Sr. POV. I discharge my conscience . FIT. And is not the Diuell good company ? Yes , wis . EVE . How he changes , Sir , his voyce ! FIT. And a Cuckold is Where ere hee put his head , with a a Wa●ion , If his hornes be forth , the Diuells companion ! Looke , looke , looke , else . MER. How he foames ! EVE . And swells ! TAY. O , me ! what 's that there , rises in his belly ! EIT. A strange thing ! hold it downe : TRA. PIT . We cannot , Madam . POV. 'T is too apparent this ! FIT. Wittipol , Wittipol . WIT. How now , what play ha' we here . MAN. What fine , new matters ? Wittipol , and Manly ▪ and Mistr. Fitz-dottrel enter . WIT. The Cockscomb , and the Couerlet . MER. O strang impudēce ! That these should come to face their sinne ! EVE : And out-face Iustice , they are the parties , Sir. POV. Say nothing . MER. Did you marke , Sir , vpon their comming in , How he call'd Wittipol . EVE . And neuer saw ' hem . POV. I warrant you did I , let 'hem play a while . FIT. Buz , buz , buz , buz . TAY. Lasse poore Gentleman ! How he is tortur'd ! Mrs . FI. Fie , Master Fitz-dottrel ! What doe you meane to counterfait thus ? FIT : O , ô , His wife goes to him . Shee comes with a needle , and thrusts it in , Shee pulls out that , and shee puts in a pinne , And now , and now , I doe not know how , nor where , But shee pricks mee heere , and shee pricks me there : ôh , ôh : POV. Woman forbeare . WIT. What , Sr ? POV. A practice soule For one so faire : WIT. Hath this , then , credit with you ? MAN. Do you beleeue in 't ? POV. Gentlemen , I 'll discharge My conscience : 'T is a cleare conspiracy ! A darke , and diuellish practice ! I detest it ! WIT. The Iustice sure will proue to be the merrier ! MAN. This is most strange , Sir. POV. Come not to confront Authority with insolence : I tell you , I doe detest it . Here comes the Kings Constable , And with him a right worshipfull Commoner ; My good friend , Master Guilt-head ! I am glad I can before such witnesses , professe My conscience , and my detestation of it . Horible ! most vnaturall ! Abominable ! EVE . They whisper him . You doe not tumble enough . MER. Wallow , gnash : TAY. O , how he is vexed ! POV. 'T is too manifest . EVE . Giue him more soap to foame with , now lie still . MER. And giue soape to act with . And act a little . TAY. What do's he now , Sr. POV. Shew The taking of Tabacco , with which the Diuell Is so delighted . FIT. Hum ! POV. And calls for Hum. You takers of strong Waters , and Tabacco , Marke this . FIT. Yellow , yellow , yellow , yellow , &c. POV. That 's Starch ! the Diuells Idoll of that colour . He ratifies it , clapping of his hands . The proofes are pregnant . GVI. How the Diuel can act ! POV. He is the Master of Players ! Master Guilt-head , And Poets , too ! you heard him talke in rime ! I had forgot to obserue it to you , ere while ! TAY. Sir Poule inter●rets Fig●●m a ●●●lers game . See , he spits fire . POV. O no , he plaies at Figgum , The Diuell is the Author of wicked Figgum — MAN. Why speake you not vnto him ? WIT. If I had All innocence of man to be indanger'd , And he could saue , or ruine it : I 'ld not breath A syllable in request , to such a fellow , I 'd rather fall . FIT. ô they whisper , they whisper , whisper . &c. Wee shall haue more , of Diuells a score , To come to dinner , in mee the sinner . EYT. Alas , poore Gentleman ! POV. Put 'hem asunder . Keepe 'hem one from the other . MAN. Are you phrenticke , Sir , Or what graue dotage moues you , to take part VVith so much villany ? wee are not afraid Either of law , or triall ; let vs be Examin'd what our ends were , what the meanes , To worke by ; and possibility of those meanes . Doe not conclude against vs , ere you heare vs. POV. I will not heare you , yet I will conclude Out of the circumstances . MAN. VVill you so , Sir ? POV. Yes , they are palpable : MAN. Not as your folly : POV : I will discharge my conscience , and doe all To the Meridian of Iustice : GVI. You doe well , Sir : F●T . Prouide mee to eat , three or foure dishes o'good meat , I 'll feast them , and their traines , a Iustice head and braines Shall be the first . POV. The Diuell loues not Iustice , There you may see . FIT. A spare-rib o' my wife , And a whores purt'nance ! a Guilt-head whole . POV. Be not you troubled , Sir , the Diuell speakes it . FIT. Yes , wis , Knight , shite , Poule , Ioule , owle , foule , troule , boule . POV. Crambe , another of the Diuell 's games ! MER. Speake , Sir , some Greeke , if you can . Is not the Iustice A solemne gamester ? EVE . Peace . FIT. 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . POV. Hee curses In Greeke I thinke . EVE . Your Spanish , that I taught you . FIT. Quebrémos el ojo de burlas , EVE . How ? your rest — Let 's breake his necke in iest , the Diuell saies , FIT. Di grátia , Signòr miose haú●te denári fataméne parte . MER. What , would the Diuell borrow money ? FIT. Ouy , Ouy Monsieur , ùn pàuure Diable ! Diablet in ! POV. It is the diuell , by his seuerall languages . SHA. Where 's St. Poule Ether-side ? POV. Here , what 's the matter ? Enter the Keeper of New-gate . SHA. O! such an accident falne out at Newgate , Sir : A great piece of the prison is ●ent downe ! The Diuell has beene there , Sir , in the body — Of the young Cut-purse , was hang'd out this morning , But , in new clothes , Sir , euery one of vs know him . These things were found in his pocket . AMB. Those are mine , Sr. SHA. I thinke he was commited on your charge , Sir. For a new felony AMB ▪ Yes . SHA. Hee 's gone , Sir , now , And left vs the dead body . But withall , Sir , Such an infernall stincke , and steame behinde , You cannot see St. Pulchars Steeple , yet . They smell 't as farre as Ware , as the wind lies , By this time , sure . FIT. Is this vpon your credit , friend ? SHA. Sir , you may see , and satisfie your selfe . FIT. Nay , then , 't is time to leaue off counterfeiting . Sir I am not bewitch'd , nor haue a Diuell : No more then you . I doe defie him , I , And did abuse you . These two Gentlemen Put me vpon it . ( I haue faith against him ) They taught me all my tricks . I will tell truth , And shame the Feind . See , here , Sir , are my bellowes , And my false belly , and my Mouse , and all That should ha' come forth ? MAN. Sir , are not you asham'd Now of your solemne , serious vanity ? POV. I will make honorable amends to truth . FIT. And so will I. But these are Coozeners , still ; And ha' my land , as plotters , with my wife : Who , though she be not a witch , is worse , a whore . MAN. Sir , you belie her . She is chaste , and vertuous , And we are honest . I doe know no glory A man should hope , by venting his owne follyes , But you 'll still be an Asse , in spight of prouidence . Please you goe in , Sir , and heare truths , then iudge 'hem : And make amends for your late rashnesse ; when , You shall but heare the paines and care was taken , To saue this foole from ruine ( his Grace of Drown'd land ) FIT. My land is drown'd indeed — POV. Peace . MAN. And how much His modest , and too worthy wife hath suffer'd By mis-construction , from him , you will blush , First , for your owne beliefe , more for his actions ! His land is his : and neuer , by my friend , Or by my selfe , meant to another vse , But for her succours , who hath equall right . If any other had worse counsells in 't , ( I know I speake to those can apprehend mee ) Let 'hem repent 'hem , and be not detected . It is not manly to take ioy , or pride In humane errours ( wee doe all ill things , They doe 'hem worst that loue 'hem , and dwell there , Till the plague comes ) The few that haue the seeds Of goodnesse left , will sooner make their way To a true life , by shame , then punishment . The End. The Epilogue . THus , the Proiecter , here , is ouer-throwne . But I haue now a Proiect of mine owne , If it may passe : that no man would inuite The Poet from vs , to sup forth to night , If the play please . If it displeasant be , We doe presume , that no man will : nor wee . THE STAPLE OF NEVVES . A COMEDIE ACTED IN THE YEARE , 1625. BY HIS MAIESTIES SERVANTS . The Author BEN : IONSON . HOR. in ART . POET. Aut prodesse volunt , aut delectare poetae : Aut simul & iucunda , & idonea dicere vitae LONDON , Printed by I. B. for ROBERT ALLOT , and are to be sold at the signe of the Beare , in Pauls Church-yard . 1631. THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY . PENI-BOY . the Sonne , the heire and Suiter . PENI-BOY . the Father . the Canter . PENI-BOY . the Vncle. The Vsurer . CYMBAL . Master of the Staple , and prime Ieerer . FITTON . Emissary Court , and Ieerer . ALMANACH Doctor in Physick , and Ieerer . SHVN-FIELD . Sea-captaine , and Ieerer . MADRIGAL . Poetaster , and Ieerer . PICKLOCK . Man o' law , and Emissary Westminster . PYED-MANTLE . Pursiuant at armes , and Heraldet . REGISTER . Of the Staple , or Office. NATHANEEL . First Clerke of the Office. THO : BARBR . Second Clerke of the Office. PECVNIA . Infanta of the Mynes . MORTGAGE . Her Nurse . STATVTE . First Woman . BAND . Second Woman . VVAXE . Chambermaid . BROKER . Secretary , and Gentleman vsher to her Grace . LICK-FINGER . A Master Cooke , and parcell Poet. FASHIONER . The Taylor of the times . LINENER . HABERDASHER . SHOOMAKER . SPVRRIER . CVSTOMERS . Male and Female . PORTER . DOGGES . II. The SCENE . London . THE INDVCTION . The PROLOGVE enters . After him , Gossip MIRTH. Gos. TATLE. Gos. EXPECTATION . and Gossip CENSVRE . 4. Gentlewomen LADY-like attyred . PROLOGVE . FOr your owne sake , not ours — MIRTH. Come Gossip , be not asham'd . The Play is the Staple of Newes , and you are the Mistresse , and Lady of Tatle , let 's ha' your opinion of it : Do you heare Gentleman ? what are you ? Gentleman-vsher to the Play ? pray you helpe vs to some stooles here . PROLOGVE . Where ? o' the Stage , Ladies ? MIRTH. Yes , o' the Stage ; wee are persons of quality , I assure you , and women of fashion ; and come to see , and to be seene : My Gossip Tatle here , and Gossip Expectation , and my Gossip Censure , and I am Mirth , the daughter of Christmas , and spirit of Shrouetide . They say , It 's merry when Gossips meet , I hope your Play will be a merry one ! PROLOGVE Or you will make it such , Ladies . Bring a forme here , but what will the Noblemen thinke , or the graue Wits here , to see you seated on the bench thus ? MIRTH. Why , what should they thinke ? but that they had Mothers , as we had , and those Mothers had Gossips ( if their children were christned ) as we are , and such as had a longing to see Playes , and sit vpon them , as wee doe , and arraigne both them , and their Poëts . PROLOGVE . O! Is that your purpose ? Why , Mrs . Mirth , and Madame Tatle , enioy your delights freely . TATLE. Looke your Newes be new , and fresh , Mr. Prologue , and vntainted , I shall find them else , if they be stale , or flye-blowne , quickly ! PROLOGVE . Wee aske no fauour from you , onely wee would entreate of Madame Expectation — EXPECTATION . What , Mr. Prologue ? PROLOGVE . That your Ladi-ship would expect no more then you vnderstand . EXPECTATION . Sir , I can expect enough ! PROLOGVE . I feare too much , Lady , and teach others to do the like ? EXPECTATION . I can doe that too , if I haue cause . PROLOGVE . Cry you mercy , you neuer did wrong , but with iust cause . What 's this , Lady ? MIRTH. Curiosity , my Lady Censure . PROLOGVE . O Curiosity ! you come to see , who weares the new sute to day ? whose clothes are best penn'd , what euer the part be ? which Actor has the best legge and foote ? what King playes without cuffes ? and his Queene without gloues ? who rides post in stockings ? and daunces in bootes ? CENSVRE . Yes , and which amorous Prince makes loue in drinke , or doe's ouer-act prodigiously in beaten satten , and , hauing got the tricke on 't , will be monstrous still , in despight of Counsell ! BOOK-HOLDER . The Tire-men enter to mend the lights . Mend your lights , Gentlemen . Master Prologue , beginne . TATLE. Ay me ! EXPECTATION , Who 's that ? PROLOGVE . Nay , start not Ladies , these carry no fire-workes to fright you , but a Torch i' their hands , to giue light to the businesse . The truth is , there are a set of gamesters within , in tra●●ll of a thing call'd a Play , and would faine be deliuer●d of it : and they haue intreated me to be their Man - Midwife , the Prologue ; for they are like to haue a hard labour on 't . TATLE. Then the Poet has abus'd himselfe , like an Asse , as hee is . MIRTH. No , his Actors will abuse him enough , or I am deceiu'd . Yonder he is within ( I was i' the Tiring-house a while to see the Actors drest ) rowling himselfe vp and downe like a tun , i' the midst of 'hem , and spurges , neuer did vessel of wort , or wine worke so ! His sweating put me in minde of a good Shrouing dish ( and I beleeue would be taken vp for a seruice of state somewhere , an 't were knowne ) a stew'd Poet ▪ He doth sit like an vnbrac'd Drum with one of his heads beaten out : For , that you must note , a Poet hath two heads , as a Drum has , one for making , the other repeating , and his repeating head is all to pieces : they may gather it vp i' the tiring-house ; for hee hath torne the booke in a Poeticall fury , and put himselfe to silence in dead Sacke , which , were there no other vexation , were sufficient to make him the most miserable Embleme of patience . CENSVRE . The Prologue , peace . THE PROLOGVE FOR THE STAGE . FOr your owne sakes , not his , he bad me say , Would you were come to heare , not see a Play. Though we his Actors must prouide for those , Who are our guests , here , in the way of showes , The maker hath not so ; he 'ld haue you wise , Much ●ather by your eares , then by your eyes : And prayes you 'll not preiudge his Play for ill , Because you marke it not , and sit not still ; But haue a longing to salute , or talke With such a female , and from her to walke With your discourse , to what is done , and where , How , and by whom , in all the towne ; but here . Alas ! what is it to his Scene , to know How many Coaches in Hide-parke did show Last spring , what fare to day at Medleyes was , If Dunstan , or the Phoenix best wine has ? They are things — But yet , the Stage might stand as wel , If it did neither heare these things , nor tell . Great noble wits , be good vnto your selues , And make a difference 'twixt Poetique elues , And Poets : All that dable in the inke , And defile quills , are not those few , can thinke , Conceiue , expresse , and steere the soules of men , As with a rudder , round thus , with their pen. He must be one that can instruct your youth , And keepe your Acme in the state of truth , Must enterprize this worke , marke but his wayes , What flight he makes , how new ; And then he sayes , If that not like you , that he sends to night , 'T is you haue left to iudge , not hee to write ▪ THE PROLOGVE FOR THE COVRT . A Worke not smelling of the Lampe , to night , But fitted for your Maiesties disport , And writ to the Meridian of your Court , VVee bring ; and hope it may produce delight : The rather , being offered , as a Rite To Schollers , that can iudge , and faire report The sense they heare , aboue the vulgar sort Of Nut-crackers , that onely come for sight . Wherein , although our Title , Sir , be Newes . Wee yet aduenture , here , to tell you none ; But shew you common follies , and so knowne , That though they are not truths , th' innocent Muse Hath made so like , as Phant'sie could them state , Or Poetry , without scandall , imitate . THE STAPLE OF NEVVES . ACT. I. SCENE . I. PENI-BOY . IV. LETHER-LEGGE . GRamercie Letherleg : Get me the Spurrier , * And thou hast fitted me . LET. I 'll do 't presently . P. IV. Look to me , wit , and look to my wit , Land , That is , looke on me , and with all thine eyes , Male , Female , yea , Hermaphroditicke eyes , And those bring all your helpes , and perspicills , To see me at best aduantage , and augment My forme as I come forth , for I doe feele I will be one , worth looking after , shortly . Now , by and by , that 's shortly . * 't strikes ! One , two , Three , foure , fiue , six . Inough , inough , deare watch , Thy pulse hath beate inough . Now sleepe , and rest ; Would thou couldst make the time to doe so too : I 'll winde thee vp no more . The houre is come So long expected ! There , there , * drop my wardship , My pupill age , and vassalage together . And Liberty , come throw thy selfe about me , In a rich suite , cloake , hat , and band , for now I 'le sue out no mans Liuery , but miny owne , I stand on my owne feete , so much a yeere , Right , round , and sound , the Lord of mine owne ground , And ( to ryme to it ) threescore thousand Pound ! * Not come ? Not yet ? Taylor thou art a vermine , Worse then the same thou prosecut'st , and prick'st In subtill seame — ( Go too , I say no more ) Thus to retard my longings : on the day I doe write man , to beat thee . One and twenty , S●nce the clock strooke , compleat ! and thou wilt feele it Thou foolish Animall ! I could pitty him , ( An' I were not heartily angry with him now ) For this one peece of folly he beares about him , To dare to tempt the Furie of an heyre , T' aboue two thousand a yeere ; yet hope his custome ! Well , Mr. Fashioner , there 's some must breake — A head , for this your breaking . Are you come , Sir , ACT. II. SCENE . IJ. FASHIONER . PENIBOY . THOMAS BARBER . HABERDASHER . GOd giue your worship ioy . P. IV. What ? of your staying ? And leauing me to stalke here in my trowses , Like a tame Her'n-sew for you ? FAS. I but waited Below , till the clocke strooke . P. IV. Why , if you had come Before a quarter , would it so haue hurt you , In reputation , to haue wayted here ? FAS. No , but your worship might haue pleaded nonage , If you had got 'hem on , ere I could make Iust Affidauit of the time . P. IV. That iest Has gain'd thy pardon , thou had'st liu'd , condemn'd To thine owne hell else , neuer to haue wrought Stitch more for me , or any Peniboy , I could haue hindred thee : but now thou art mine . For one and twenty yeeres , or for three liues , Chuse which thou wilt , I 'll make thee a Copy-holder , And thy first Bill vnquestion'd . Helpe me on . FAS. Presently , Sir , I am bound vnto your worship . P. IV. Thou shalt be , when I haue seal'd thee a Lease of my Custome . FAS. Your wor ps , Barbar is without . P. IN. Who ? Thom ? Come in Thom : set thy things vpon the Boord And spread thy clothes , lay all forth in procinctu , And tell 's what newes ? THO. O Sir , a staple of newes ! Or the New Staple , which you please . P. IV. What 's that ? FAS. An Office , Sir , a braue young Office set vp . I had forgot to tell your worship . P. IV. For what ? THO. To enter all the Newes , Sir , o' the time , FAS. And vent it as occasion serues ! A place Of huge commerce it will be ! P. IV. Pray thee peace , I cannot abide a talking Taylor : let Thom ( He 's a Barber ) by his place relate it , What is 't , an Office , Thom ? THO. Newly erected Here in the house , almost on the same floore , Where all the newes of all sorts shall be brought , And there be examin'd , and then registred , And so be issu'd vnder the Seale of the Office , As Staple Newes ; no other newes be currant . P. IV. 'Fore me , thou speak'st of a braue busines , Thom. FAS. Nay , if you knew the brain that hatch'd it Sr — P. IV. I know thee wel inough : giue him a loaf , Thom — Quiet his mouth , that Ouen will be venting else . Proceed — THO. He tels you true Sr. Mr Cymbal , Is Master of the Office , he proiected it , Hee lies here i' the house : and the great roomes He has taken for the Office , and set vp His Deskes and Classes , Tables and his Shelues , FAS. He 's my Customer , and a Wit Sir , too . But , h' has braue wits vnder him — THO. Yes , foure Emissaries , P. IV. Emissaries ? stay , there 's a fine new word , Thom ! 'Pray God it signifie any thing , what are Emissaries ? THO. Men imploy'd outward , that are sent abroad To fetch in the commodity . FAS. From all regions Where the best newes are made . THO. Or vented forth . FAS. By way of exchange , or trade . P. IV. Nay , thou wilt speak — FAS. My share Sr. there 's enough for both . P. IV. Goe on then , Speake all thou canst : me thinkes , the ordinaries Should helpe them much . FAS. Sir , they haue ordinaries , And extraordinaries , as many changes , And variations , as there are points i' the compasse . THO. But the 4. Cardinall Quarters — P. IV. I , those Thom — THO. The Court , Sir , Pauls , Exchange , and Westminster-hall . P. IV. Who is the Chiefe ? which hath preceedencie ? THO. The gouernour o' the Staple , Master Cymball . He is the Chiefe ; and after him the Emissaries : First Emissary Court , one Master Fitton , He 's a Ieerer too . P. IV. What 's that ? FAS. A Wit. THO. Or halfe a Wit , some of them are Halfe-wits , Two to a Wit , there are a set of ' hem . Then Master Ambler , Emissary Paules , A fine pac'd gentleman , as you shall see , walke The middle I le : And then my Froy Hans Buz , A Dutch-man ; he 's Emissary Exhange . FAS. I had thought Mr. Burst the Marchant had had it . THO. No , He has a rupture , hee has sprung a leake , Emissarie Westminster's vndispos'd of yet ; Then the Examiner , Register , and two Clerkes , They mannage all at home , and sort , and file , And seale the newes , and issue them . P. IV. Thom , deare Thom. What may my meanes doe for thee , aske , and haue it , I 'd faine be doing some good . It is my birth-day . And I 'd doe it betimes , I feele a grudging Of bounty , and I would not long lye fallow . I pray thee thinke , and speake , or wish for something . THO. I would I had but one o' the Clerkes places , I'th is Newes Office , . P. IV. Thou shalt haue it , Thom , If siluer , or gold will fetch it ; what 's the rate ? At what is 't set i' the Mercat ? THO. Fiftie pound , Sir. P. IV. An 't were a hundred , Thom , thou shalt not want it . FAS. The Taylor leapes , and embraceth him . O Noble Master ! P. IV. How now Aesops Asse ! Because I play with Thom , must I needes runne Into your rude embraces ? stand you still , Sir ; Clownes fawnings , are a horses salutations . How do'st thou like my suite , Thom ? THO. Mr Fashioner Has hit your measures , Sir , h' has moulded you , And made you , as they say . FAS. No , no , not I , I am an Asse , old Aesops Asse . P. IV. Nay , Fashioner , I can doe thee a good turne too , be not musty , Though thou hast moulded me , as little Thom sayes , He drawes out his pockets . ( I thinke thou hast put me in mouldy pockets . ) FAS. As good , Right Spanish perfume , the Lady Estifania's , They cost twelue pound a payre . P. IV. Thy bill will say so . I pray thee tell me , Fashioner , what Authors Thou read'st to helpe thy inuention ? Italian prints ? Or Arras hangings ? They are Taylors Libraries . FAS. I scorne such helps . P. IV. O , though thou art a silk-worme ! And deal'st in sattins and veluets , and rich plushes , Thou canst not spin all formes out of thy selfe ; They are quite other things : I thinke this suite Has made me wittier , then I was . FAS. Belieue it Sir , That clothes doe much vpon the wit , as weather Do's on the braine ; and thence comes your prouerbe ; The Taylor makes the man : I speake by experience Of my owne Customers . I haue had Gallants , Both Court and Countrey , would ha' fool'd you vp In a new suite , with the best wits , in being , And kept their speed , as long as their clothes lasted Han'some , and neate ; but then as they grew out At the elbowes againe , or had a staine , or spot , They haue sunke most wretchedly . P. IV. What thou report'st , Is but the common calamity , and seene daily ; And therefore you ' haue another answering prouerbe : A broken sleeue keepes the arme backe , FAS. 'T is true , Sir. And thence wee say , that such a one playes at peepe-arme . P. IV. Doe you so ? it is wittily sayd . I wonder , Gentlemen , And men of meanes will not maintaine themselues Fresher in wit , I meane in clothes , to the highest . For hee that 's out o' clothes , is out o'fashion , And out of fashion , is out of countenance , And out o' countenance , is out o' Wit. Is not Rogue Haberdasher come ? HAB. Yes , here , Sir. They are all about him , busie . I ha' beene without this halfe houre . P IV. Giue me my hat . Put on my Girdle . Rascall , sits my Ruffe well ? LIN. In print . P. IV. Slaue . LIN. See your selfe . P. IV. ●s this same hat O' the blocke passant ? Do not answer mee , I cannot stay for an answer . I doe feele The powers of one and twenty , like a ●ide Flow in vpon mee , and perceiue an Heyre , Can Coniure vp all spirits in all circles , Rogue , Rascall , Slaue ▪ giue tradesmen their true names , And they appeare to 'hem pr●sently . LIN. For profit . P. IV. Come cast my cloake about me , I 'll goe see , This Office Thom , and be trimm'd afterwards . I 'll put thee in possession , my prime worke ! Gods so ▪ my Spurrier ! put hem on boy , quickly , His Spurrier comes in . 〈…〉 lost my Spurres with too much speed . ACT. I. SCENE . IIJ. PENI-BOY , Canter . to them singing . Good morning to my Ioy , My iolly Peni-boy ! The Lord , and the Prince of plenty ! I come to see what riches , Thou bearest in thy breeches , The first of thy one and twenty ▪ What , doe thy pockets gingle ? Or shall wee neede to mingle Our strength both of foote and horses ! These fellows looke so eager , As if they would beleaguer An Heyre in the midst of his forces ! I hope they be no S●rieants ! That hang vpon thy margents . This Rogue has the Ioule of a Iaylor ▪ P. IV. O Founder , no such matter , My Spurrier , and my Hatter , The young Peny-boy answers in tune . My Linnen man , and my Taylor . Thou should'st haue beene brought in too , Shoomaker , If the time had beene longer , and Thom Barber . How do'st thou like my company , old Canter ? Doe I not muster a braue troupe ? all Bill-men ? Present your Armes , before my Founder here , This is my Founder , this same learned Canter ! He brought me the first newes of my fathers death , He takes the bils , and puts them vp in his pockets . I thanke him , and euer since , I call him Founder ▪ Worship him , boyes , I 'll read onely the summes . And passe 'hem streight . SHO. Now Ale. REST. And strong Ale blesse him . P. IV. Gods so , some Ale , and Sugar for my Founder ! Good Bills , sufficient Bills , these Bills may passe . P. CA. I do not like those paper-squibs , good Master . They may vndoe your store , I meane , of Credit , And fire your Arsenall , if case you doe not In time make good those outerworkes , your pockets , And take a Garrison in of some two hundred , To beat these Pyoners off , that carry a Mine Would blow you vp , at last . Secure your Casamates , Here Master Picklocke , Sir , your man o' Law , And learn'd Att●rney , has sent you a Bag of munition . P. IV. What is 't ? P. CA. Three hundred pieces . P. IV. I 'll dispatch ' hem . P. CA. Do , I would haue your strengths lin'd , and perfum'd With Gold , as well as Amber . P. IV. God a mercy , Come , Ad soluendum , boyes ! there , there , and there , &c. He payes all . I looke on nothing but Totalis . P. CA· See! The difference 'twixt the couetous , and the prodigall ! " The Couetous man neuer has money ! and " The Prodigall will haue none shortly ! P. IV. Ha , What saies my Founder ? I thanke you , I thanke you Sirs . ALL. God blesse your worship , and your worships Chanter . P CA. I say 't is nobly done , to cherish Shop-keepers , And pay their Bills , without examining thus . P. IV. Alas ! they haue had a pittifull hard time on 't , A long vacation , from their coozening . Poore Rascalls , I doe doe it out of charity . I would aduance their trade againe , and haue them Haste to be rich , sweare , and forsweare wealthily , What doe you stay for , Sirrah ? SPV. To my boxe Sir , P. IV. Your boxe , why , there 's an angel , if my Spurres He giues the Spurrier , to his boxe . Be not right Rippon . SPV. Giue me neuer a penny If I strike not thorow your bounty with the Rowells . P. IV. Do'st thou want any money Founder ? P. CA. Who , Sr. I , Did I not tell you I was bred i' the Mines , Vnder Sir Beuis Bullion . P. IV. That is true , I quite forgot , you Myne-men want no money , Your streets are pau'd with 't : there , the molten siluer Runns out like creame , on cakes of gold . P. CA. And Rubies Doe grow like Strawberries . P. IV. 'T were braue being there ! Come Thom , we 'll go to the Office now . P. CA. What Office ? P. IV. Newes Office , the New Staple ; thou shalt goe too , 'T is here i' the house , on the same floore , Thom. sayes , Come , Founder , let vs trade in Ale , and nutmegges . ACT. I. SCENE . IIII. REGISTER . CLERKE . VVOMAN . WHat , are those Desks fit now ? set forth the Table , The Carpet and the Chayre : where are the Newes That were examin'd last ? ha' you fil'd them vp ? CLE. Not yet , I had no time . REG. Are those newes registred , That Emissary Buz sent in last night ? Of Spinola , and his Egges ? CLE. Yes Sir , and fil'd . REG. What are you now vpon ? CLE. That our new Emissary Westminster , gaue vs , of the Golden Heyre . REG. Dispatch , that 's newes indeed , and of importance . What would you haue good woman ? WO. I would haue Sir , A groatsworth of any Newes , I care not what , A countrey-woman waites there . To carry downe this Saturday , to our Vicar . REG. O! You are a Butterwoman , aske Nathaniel The Clerke , there . CLE. Sir , I tell her , she must stay Till Emissary Exchange , or Pauls send in , And then I 'll fit her . REG. Doe good woman , haue patience , It is not now , as when the Captaine liu'd . CLE. You 'll blast the reputation of the Office , Now i' the Bud , if you dispatch these Groats , So soone : let them attend in name of policie . ACT. I. SCENE . V. PENIBOY . CYMBAL . FITTON . THO : BARBER . CANTER . IN troth they are dainty roomes ; what place is this ? CYM. This is the outer roome , where my Clerkes sit ▪ And keepe their sides , the Register i' the midst , The Examiner , he sits priuate there , within , And here I haue my seuerall Rowles , and Fyles Of Newes by the Alphabet , and all put vp Vnder their heads . P. IV. But those , too , subdiuided ? CYM. Into Authenticall , and Apocryphall . FIT. Or Newes of doubtfull credit , as Barbers newes . CYM. And Taylors Newes , Porters , and Watermens newes , FIT. Whereto , beside the Corant● , and Gazetti . CYM. I haue the Newes of the season . FIT. As vacation newes , Terme-newes , and Christmas-newes . CIM. And newes o' the faction . FIT. As the Reformed newes , Protestant newes , CYM. And Pontificiall newes , o● all which seuerall , The Day-bookes , Characters , Precedents are kept . Together with the names of speciall friends — FIT. And men of Correspondence i' the Countrey — CYM. Yes , of all ranks , and all Religions . — FIT. Factors , and Agents — CYM. Liegers , that lie out Through all the Shires o' the kingdome . P. IV. This is fine ! And beates a braue relation ! but what sayes Mercurius Britannicus to this ? CYM O Sir , he gaines by 't halfe in halfe . FIT. Nay more I 'll stan● to 't . For , where he was wont to get In , hungry Captaines ▪ obscure Statesmen . CYM. Fellowes To drinke with him in a darke roome in a Tauerne , And eat a Sawsage . FIT. We ha' seen 't , CYM. As faine , To keepe so many politique pennes Going , to feed the presse . FIT. And dish ou● newes , Were 't true , or false . CYM. Now all that charge is sau'd The publique Chronicler . FIT. How , doe you call him there ? CYM. And gentle Reader . FIT. He that has the maidenhead Of all the bookes . CYM. Yes , dedicated to him , FIT. Or rather prostituted . P. IV. You are right , Sir. CYM. No more shall be abus'd , nor countrey - Parsons O' the Inquisition , nor busie Iustices , Trouble the peace , and both torment themselues , And their poore ign'rant Neighbours with enquiries After the many , and most innocent Monsters , That neuer came i' th' Counties they were charg'd with . P. IV. Why , me thinkes Sir , if the honest common people Will be abus'd , why should not they ha' their pleasure , In the belieuing Lyes , are made for them ; As you i' th' Office , making them your selues ? FIT. O Sir ! it is the printing we oppose . CYM. We not forbid that any Newes , be made , But that 't be printed ; for when Newes is printed , It leaues Sir to be Newes . while 't is but written — FIT. Though it be ne're so false , it runnes Newes still . P. IV. See diuers mens opinions ! vnto some , The very printing of them , makes them Newes ; That ha' not the heart to beleeue any thing , But what they see in print . FIT. I , that 's an Error Ha's abus'd many ; but we shall reforme it , As many things beside ( we haue a hope ) Are crept among the popular abuses . CYM. Nor shall the Stationer cheat vpon the Time , By buttering ouer againe — FIT. once , in Seuen Yeares , As the age doates — CYM : And growes forgetfull o' them , ●is antiquated Pamphlets , with new dates . But all shall come from the Mint . FIT. Fresh and new stamp'd , CYM. With the Office-Seale , Staple Commoditie . FIT. And if a man will assure his Newes , he may : Two-pence a Sheet he shall be warranted , And haue a policie for 't . P. IV. Sir , I admire The method o' your place ; all things within 't Are so digested , fitted , and compos'd , As it shewes Wit had married Order . FIT. Sir. CYM. The best wee could to inuite the Times . FIT. It ha's Cost sweat , and freesing . CYM. And some broken sleepes Before it came to this . P. IV. I easily thinke it . FIT. But now it ha's the shape — CYM. And is come forth . P. IV. A most polite neat thing ! with all the limbs , As sense can tast ! CYM. It is Sir , though I say it , As well-begotten a busines , and as fairely Helpt to the World. P. IV. You must be a Mid-wife Sir ! Or els the sonne of a Mid-wife ! ( pray you pardon me ) Haue helpt it forth so happily ! what Newes ha' you ? Newes o' this morning ? I would faine heare some Fresh , from the forge ( as new as day , as they say . ) CYM. And such we haue Sir. REG. Shew him the last Rowle , Of Emissary West-minster 's , The Heire . P. IV. Come nearer , Thom : CLA. There is a braue yong Heire Pe●y reioyceth , that he 〈◊〉 . Is come of age this morning , Mr. Peny-boy . P. IV. That 's I ! CLA. His Father dy'd on this day seuenth-night . P. IV. True ! CLA. At sixe o' the Clocke i' the morning , iust a weeke 〈◊〉 Thom : of it . Ere he was One and Twenty . P. IV. I am here , Thom ! Proceed , I pray thee . CLA. An old Canting Begger Brought him first Newes , whom he has entertain'd , Call in the Canter . Hee giues the Clerke . To follow him , since . P. IV. Why , you shall see him ! Founder , Come in ; no Follower , but Companion , I pray thee put him in , Friend . There 's an Angell — Thou do'st not know , hee 's a wise old Fellow , Though he seeme patch'd thus , and made vp o' peeces , Founder , we are in , here , in , i' the Newes-Office ! In this dayes Rowle , already ! I doe muse How you came by vs Sir's ! CYM. One Master Pick-locke A Lawyer , that hath purchas'd here a place , This morning , of an Emissary vnder me . FIT. Emissarie Westminster . CYM. Gaue it into th' Office , FIT. For his Essay , his peece . P. IV. My man o' Law ! Hee 's my Attorney , and Sollicitour too ! A fine pragmaticke ! what 's his place worth ? CYM. A Nemo-scit , Sir. FIT. 'T is as Newes come , in , CYM. And as they are issued . I haue the iust mcoytie For my part : then the other mocytie Is parted into seuen . The foure Emissaries ; Whereof my Cozen Fitton here 's for Court , Ambler for Pauls , and Buz for the Exchange , Picklocke , for Westminster , with the Examiner , And Register , they haue full parts : and then one part Is vnder-parted to a couple of Clarkes ; And there 's the iust diuision of the profits ! P. IV. Ha' you those Clarks Sir. CYM. There is one Desk empty , But it has many Suitors . P. IV. Sir , may I Present one more and carry it , if his parts Or Gifts , ( which you will , call 'hem ) CYM. Be sufficient Sir. P. IV. What are your present Clarkes habilities ? How is he qualified ? CYM ▪ A decay'd Stationer He was , but knowes Newes well , can sort and ranke ' hem . FIT. And for a need can make ' hem . CYM. True Paules bred , I' the Church-yard . P. IV. And this at the West-dore , O' th other side , hee 's my Barber Thom , A pretty Scholler , and a Master of Arts , Was made , or went out Master of Arts in a throng , At the Vniuersitie ; as before , one Christmas , He got into a Masque at Court , by his wit , And the good meanes of his Cythern , holding vp thus For one o' the Musique , Hee 's a nimble Fellow ! And alike skil'd in euery liberall Science , As hauing certaine snaps of all , a neat , Quick-vaine , in forging Newes too . I doe loue him , And promis'd him a good turne , and I would doe it . What 's your price ? the value ? CYM. Fifty pounds , Sr. P. IV. Get in Thom , take possession , I install thee ; Here , tell your money ; giue thee ioy , good Thom ; And let me heare from thee euery minute of Newes , While the New Staple stands , or the Office lasts , Which I doe wish , may ne're be lesse for thy sake . CLA. The Emissaries , Sir , would speake with you , And Master Fitton , they haue brought in Newes , Three Bale together . CYM. Sr , you are welcome , here . FIT. So is your creature . CYM. Businesse calls vs off , Sir , They take leaue of Peny-boy , and Canter . That may concerne the Office. P. IV. Keepe me faire , Sir , Still i' your Staple , I am here your friend , On the same flooer . FIT. We shall be your seruants . P. IV. How dost thou like it , Founder ? P. CA. All is well , But that your man o' law me thinks appeares not In his due time . O! Here comes Masters worship . ACT. I. SCENE . VI. PICKLOCK . PENI-BOY . IV. P. CANTER . HOw do's the Heyre , bright Master Peniboy ? Is hee awake yet in his One and Twenty ? Why , this is better farre , then to weare Cypresse , Dull smutting gloues , or melancholy blacks , And haue a payre of twelue-peny broad ribbands Laid out like Labells . P. IV. I should ha' made shift To haue laught as heartily in my mourners hood , As in this Suite , if it had pleas'd my father To haue beene buried , with the Trumpeters : PIC. The Heralds of Armes , you meane . P. IV. I meane , All noyse , that is superfluous ! PIC. All that idle pompe , And vanity of a Tombe-stone , your wise father Did , by his will , preuent . Your worship had — P. IV. A louing and obedient father of him , I know it : a right , kinde-natur'd man , To dye so opportunely . PIC. And to settle All things so well , compounded for your ward ship The weeke afore , and left your state entyre Without any charge vpon 't . P. IV. I must needes say , I lost an Officer of him , a good Bayliffe , And I shall want him ; but all peace be with him , I will not wish him aliue , againe ; not I , For all my Fortune ; giue your worship ioy O' your new place , your Emissary-ship , I' the Newes Office. PIC. Know you , why I bought it Sr ? P. IV. Not I. PIC. To worke for you , and carry a myne Against the Master of it , Master Cymball ; Who hath a plot vpon a Gentlewoman , Was once design'd for you , Sir. P. IV. Me ? PIC. Your father , Old Master Peni-boy , of happy memory , And wisdome too , as any i' the County , Carefull to finde out a fit match for you , In his owne life time ( but hee was preuented ) Left it in writing in a Schedule here , To be annexed to his Will ; that you , His onely Sonne , vpon his charge , and blessing , Should take due notice of a Gentlewoman , Soiourning with your vncle , Richer Peni-boy . P. IV. A Cornish Gentlewoman , I doe know her , Mistresse , Pecunia doe-all . PIC. A great Lady , Indeede shee is , and not of mortall race , Infanta of the Mines ; her Graces Grandfather , Was Duke , and Cousin to the King of Ophyr , The Subterranean , let that passe . Her name is , Or rather , her three names are ( for such shee is ) Aurelia Clara Pecunia , A great Princesse , Of mighty power , though shee liue in priuate With a contracted family ! Her Secretary — P. CA. Who is her Gentleman-vsher too . PIC. One Broker , And then two Gentlewomen ; Mistresse Statute , And Mistresse Band , with Waxe the Chambermaide , And Mother Mortgage , the old Nurse , two Groomes , Pawne , and his fellow ; you haue not many to bribe , Sir. The worke is feizible , and th' approches easie , By your owne kindred . Now , Sir , Cymball thinkes , The Master here , and gouernor o' the Staple , By his fine arts , and pompe of his great place To draw her ! He concludes , shee is a woman ! And that so soone as sh' heares of the New Office , Shee 'll come to visit it , as they all haue longings After new sights , and motions ! But your bounty , Person , and brauery must atchieue her . P. CA. Shee is The talke o' the time ▪ th' aduenture o' the age ! PIC. You cannot put your selfe vpon an action Of more importance . P. CA. All the world are suiters to her . PIC. All sorts of men , and all professions ! P. CA. You shall haue stall-fed Doctors , cram'd Diuines Make loue to her , and with those studied And perfum'd flatteries , as no rome can stinke More elegant , then where they are . PIC. Well chanted Old Canter thou singst true . P. CA. And ( by your leaue ) Good Masters worship , some of your veluet coate Make corpulent curt'●ies to her , till they cracke for 't . PIC. There 's Doctor Almanack wooes her , one of the Ieerers , A fine Physitian . P. CA. Your Sea-captaine , Shun field , Giues out hee 'll goe vpon the Cannon for her . PIC. Though his lowd mouthing get him little credit , P. CA. Young Master Pyed mantle , the fine Herrald Professes to deriuer her through all ages , From all the Kings , and Queenes , that euer were . PIC. And Master Madrigall , the crowned Poet Of these our times , doth off●r at her praises As faire as any , when it shall please Apollo , That wit and rime may meete both in one subiect . P. CA. And you to beare her from all these , it will be — PIC. A work of fame . P. CA. Of honor . PIC. Celebration . P. CA. Worthy your name . PIC. The Peni-boyes to liue in 't , P. CA. It is an action you were built for , Sir , PIC. And none but you can doe it . P. IV. I 'll vndertake it , P. CA. And carry it . P. IV. Feare me not , for since I came Of mature age , I haue had a certaine itch In my right eye , this corner , here , doe you see ? To doe some worke , and worthy of a Chronicle . The first Intermeane after the first Act. MIRTH. How now Gossip ! how doe's the Play please you ? CENSVRE . Very scuruily , me thinks , and sufficiently naught . EXPECTATION . As a body would wish : here 's nothing but a young Prodigall , come of age , who makes much of the Barber , buyes him a place in a new Office , i' the ayre , I know not where , and his man o'Law to follow him , with the Begger to boote , and they two helpe him to a wife . MIRTH. I , shee is a proper piece ! that such creatures can broke for . TATLE. I cannot abide that nasty fellow , the Begger , if hee had beene a Court-Begger in good clothes ; a Begger in veluet , as they say , I could haue endur'd him . MIRTH. Or a begging scholler in blacke , or one of these beggerly Poets , gossip , that would hang vpon a young heyre like a horseleech . EXPEC. Or a thred-bare Doctor of Physicke , a poore Quackesaluer . CENSVRE . Or a Sea-captaine , halfe steru'd . MIRTH. I , these were tolerable Beggers , Beggers of fashion ! you shall see some such anon ! TATLE. I would faine see the Foole , gossip , the Foole is the finest man t 'the company , they say , and has all the wit : Hee is the very Iustice o' Peace o' the Play , and can cemmit whom hee will , and what hee will , errour , absurdity , as the toy takes him , and no man say , blacke is his eye , but laugh at him . MIRTH. But they ha' no Foole i' this Play , I am afraid , gossip . TATLE. It 's a wise Play , then . EXPECTATION . They are all fooles , the rather , in that . CENSVRE . Like enough . TATLE. My husband , ( Timothy Tatle , God rest his poore soule ) was wont to say , there was no Play without a Foole , and a Diuell in 't ; he was for the Diuell still God blesse him . The Diuell for his money , would hee say , I would faine see the Diuell . And why would you so faine see the Diuell ? would I say . Because hee has hornes , wife , and may be a cuckold , as well as a Diuell , hee would answer : You are e'en such another , husband , quoth I. Was the Diuell euer married ? where doe you read , the Di●●ll was euer so honorable to commit Matrimony ; The Play will tell vs , that , sayes hee , wee 'll goe see 't to morrow , the Diuell is an Asse . Hee is an errant learn'd man , that made it , and can write , they say , and I am fouly deceiu'd , but hee can read too . MIRTH. I remember it gossip , I went with you , by the same token , Mrs . Trouble Truth diswaded vs , and told vs , hee was a prophane Poet , and all his Playes had Diuels in them . That he kept schole vpo ' the Stage , could coniure there , aboue the Schole of Westminster , and Doctor Lamb too : not a Play he made , but had a Diuell in it . And that he would learne vs all to make our husbands Cuckolds at Playes : by another token , that a young married wife i' the company , said , shee could finde in her heart to steale thither , and see a little o' the vanity through her masque , and come practice at home . TATLE. O , it was , Mistresse — MIRTH. Nay , Gossip , I name no body . It may be 't was my selfe . EXPECTATION . But was the Diuell a proper man , Gossip ? MIRTH. As fine a gentleman ▪ of his inches , as euer I saw trusted to the Stage ▪ or any where else : and lou'd the common wealth , as well as ere a Patriot of 'hem all : hee would carry away the Vice on his backe , quicke to Hell , in euery Play where he came , and reforme abuses . EXPECTATION . There was the Diuell of Edmonton , no such man , I warrant you . CENSVRE . The Coniurer coosen'd him with a candles end , hee was an Asse . MIRTH. But there was one Smug , a Smith , would haue made a horse laugh , and broke his halter , as they say . TATLE. O , but the poore man had got a shrewd mischance , one day . EXPECTATION . How , Gossip ? TATLE. He had drest a Rogue Iade i' the morning , that had the Staggers , and had got such a spice of 'hem himselfe , by noone , as they would not away all the Play time , doe what hee could , for his heart . MIRTH. 'T was his part , Gossip , he was to be drunke , by his part . TATLE. Say you so , I vnderstood not so much . EXPECTA. Would wee had such an other part , and such a man in this play , I feare 't will be an excellent dull thing . CENSVRE . Expect , intend it . ACT. II. SCENE . I. PENI-BOY . Sen. PECVNIA . MORTGAGE . STATVTE . BAND . BROKER . YOur Grace is sad me thinks , and melancholy ! You doe not looke vpon me with that face , As you were wont , my Godnesse , bright Pecunia : Although your Grace be falne , of two i' the hundred , In vulgar estimation ; yet am I , You Graces seruant still : and teach this body , To bend , and these my aged knees to buckle , In adoration , and iust worship of you . Indeed , I doe confesse , I haue no shape To make a minion of , but I 'm your Martyr , Your Graces Martyr . I can heare the Rogues , As I doe walke the streetes , whisper , and point , There goes old Peni-boy , the slaue of money , Rich Peni-boy , Lady Pecunia's drudge , A sordid Rascall , one that neuer made Good meale in his sleep , but sells the acates are sent him , Fish , Fowle , and venison , and preserues himselfe , Like an old hoary Rat , with mouldy pye-crust . This I doe heare , reioycing , I can suffer This , and much more , for your good Graces sake . PEC. Why do you so my Guardian ? I not bid you , Cannot my Grace be gotten , and held too , Without your selfe-tormentings , and your watches , Your macerating of your body thus With cares , and scantings of your dyet , and rest ? P. SE. O , no , your seruices , my Princely Lady , Cannot with too much zeale of rites be done , They are so sacred . PEC. But my Reputation . May suffer , and the worship of my family , When by ●o seruile me●nes they both are sought . P. SE. You are a noble , young , free , gracious Lady , And would be euery bodies , in your bounty , But you must not be so . They are a few That know your merit , Lady , and can valew 't . Your selfe scarce vnderstan●s your proper powers . They are all-mighty , and that wee your seruants , That haue the honour here to stand so neere you , Know ; and can vse too . All this Nether-world Is yours , you command it , and doe sway it , The honour of it , and the honesty , The reputation , I , and the religion , ( I was about to say , and had not err'd ) Is Queene Pecunia's . For that stile is yours , If mortals knew your Grace , or their owne good . MOR. Please your Grace to retire . BAN. I feare your Grace Hath ta'ne too much of the sharpe ayre . PEC. O no! I could endure to take a great deale more ( And with my constitution , were it left ) Vnto my choice , what thinke you of it , Statute ? STA. A little now and then does well , and keepes Your Grace in your complexion . BAN. And true temper . MOR. But too much Madame ▪ may encrease cold rheumes , Nou●ish catarrhes , greene sicknesses , and agues , And put you in consumption P. SE. Best to take Aduice of your graue women , Noble Madame , They know the state o' your body , and ha'studied Your Graces health . BAN. And honour . Here'll be visitants , Or Suitors by and by ; and 't is not fit They find you here . STA. 'T will make your Grace too cheape To giue them audience presently . MOR. Leaue your Secretary , To answer them . PEC. Waite you here . Broker . BRO. I shal Madame . And doe your Graces trusts with diligence . ACT. II. SCENE . II. PYED-MANTLE . BROKER . PENI-BOY . SEN. WHat luck 's this ? I am come an inch too late , Doe you heare Sir ? Is your worship o' the family Vnto the Lady Pecunia ? BRO. I serue her Grace , Sir , Aurelia Clara Pecunia , the Infanta . PYE. Has she all those Titles , and her Grace besides , I must correct that ignorance and ouer-sight , Before I doe present . Sir , I haue drawne A Pedigree for her Grace , though yet a Nouice In that so noble study . BRO. A Herald at Armes ? PYE. No Sir , a Pursiuant , my name is Pyed-mantle . BRO. Good Master Pyed-mantle . PYE. I haue deduc'd her . — BRO. From all the Spanish Mines in the West-Indi'es , I hope : for she comes that way by her mother , But , by her Grand-mother , she 's Dutches of Mines . PYE. From mans creation I haue brought her . BRO. No further ? Before Sr , long before , you haue done nothing else , Your Mines were before Adam , search your Office , Rowle fiue and twenty , you will finde it so , I see you are but a Nouice , Master Pyed-mantle . If you had not told mee so . PYE. Sir , an apprentise In armoiry . I haue read the Elements , And Accidence , and all the leading bookes , And I haue , now , vpon me a great ambition , How to be brought to her Grace , to kisse her hands . BRO. Why , if you haue acquaintance with Mistresse Statute , Or Mistresse Band , my Ladies Gentlewomen , They can induce you . One is a Iudges Daughter , But somewhat stately ; th' other Mistresse Band , Her father 's but a Scriuener , but shee can Almost as much with my Lady , as the other , Especially , if Rose Waxe the Chambermaid Be willing . Doe you not know her , Sir , neither ? PYE. No in troth Sir. BRO. She 's a good plyant wench , And easie to be wrought , Sir , but the Nurse Old mother Mortgage , if you haue a Tenement , Or such a morsell ? though shee haue no teeth , Shee loues a sweet meat , any thing that melts In her warme gummes , she could command it for you On such a trifle , a toy . Sir , you may see , How for your loue , and this so pure complexion , ( A perfect Sanguine ) I ha' ventur'd thus , The straining of a ward , opening a doore Into the secrets of our family : PYE. I pray you let mee know , Sir , vnto whom I am so much beholden ; but your name . BRO. My name is Broker , I am Secretary , And Vsher , to her Grace . PYE. Good Master Broker ! BRO. Good Mr. Pyed-mantle . PYE. Why ? you could do me , If you would , now , this fauour of your selfe . BRO. Truely , I thinke I could : but if I would , I hardly should , without , or Mistresse Band , Or Mistresse Statute , please to appeare in it . Or the good Nurse I told you of , Mistresse Mortgage ▪ We know our places here , wee mingle not One in anothers sphere , but all moue orderly , In our owne orbes ; yet wee are all Concentricks . PYE. Well , Sir , I 'll waite a better season . BRO. Doe , And study the right meanes , get Mistresse Band Broker makes a mouth at him . He ieeres him againe . Old Peny-boy leaps To vrge on your behalfe , or little Waxe . PYE. I haue a hope , Sir , that I may , by chance , Light on her Grace , as she 's taking the ayre : BRO. That ayre of hope , has blasted many an ayrie Of Castrills like your selfe : Good Master Pyed-mantle , P. SE. Well said , Master Secretary , I stood behinde And h●ard thee all . I honor thy dispatches . If they be rude , vntrained it our method And haue not studied the rule , dismisse 'hem quickly , Where 's Lickfinger my Cooke ? that vnctuous rascall ? Hee 'll neuer keepe his houre , that vessell of kitchinstuffe ! ACT. II. SCENE . IIJ. BROKER . PENY-BOY . SE. LICK-FINGER . HEere hee is come , Sir. P. SE. Pox vpon him kidney , Alwaies too late ! LIC. To wish 'hem you , I confesse , That ha 'them already . P. SE. What ? LIC. The pox ! P. SE. The piles , The plague , and all diseases light on him , Knowes not to keepe his word . I 'ld keepe my word sure ! I hate that man that will not keepe his word , When did I breake my word ? LIC. Or I , till now ? And 't is but halfe an houre . P. SE. Halfe a yeere : To mee that stands vpon a minute of time . I am a iust man , I loue still to be iust . LIC. Why ? you thinke I can runne like light-foot Ralph , Or keep a wheele-barrow , with a sayle in towne here , To whirle me to you : I haue lost two stone Of suet i' the seruice posting hither , You might haue followed me like a watering pot , And seene the knots I made along the street ; My face dropt like the skimmer in a fritter panne , And my whole body , is yet ( to say the truth ) A rosted pound of butter , with grated bread in ' t ! He sweepes his face . P. SE. Belieue you , he that list . You stay'd of purpose , To haue my venison stinke , and my fowle mortify'd , That you might ha' 'hem — LIC. A shilling or two cheaper , That 's your iealousie . P. SE. Perhaps it is . Will you goe in , and view , and value all ? Yonder is venison sent mee ! fowle ! and fish ! In such abundance ! I am sicke to see it ! I wonder what they meane ! I ha told 'hem of it ! To burthen a weake stomacke ! and prouoke A dying appetite ! thrust a sinne vpon me I ne'r was guilty of ! nothing but gluttony ! Grosse gluttony ! that will vndoe this Land ! LIC. And bating two i' the hundred . P. SE. I , that same 's A crying sinne , a fearefull damn'd deuice , Eats vp the poore , deuoures 'hem — LIC. Sir , take heed What you giue out . P. SE. Against your graue great Solons ? Numae Pompilij , they that made that Law ? To take away the poore's inheritance ? It was their portion : I will stand to 't . And they haue rob'd 'hem of it , plainly rob'd 'hem , I still am a iust man , I tell the truth . When moneies went at Ten i' the hundred , I , And such as I , the seruants of Pecunia , Could spare the poore two out of ten , and did it , How say you , Broker ? ( LIC. Ask your Eccho ) BRO. You did it . P. S● . I am for Iustice , when did I leaue Iustice ? We knew 't was theirs , they 'had right and Title to 't . Now — LIC. You can spare 'hem nothing . P. SE. Very little , LIC. As good as nothing . P. SE. They haue bound our hands With their wise solemne act , shortned our armes . LIC. Beware those worshipfull eares , Sir , be not shortned , And you play Crop i' the fleete , if you vse this licence . P. SE. What licence , Knaue ? Informer ? LIC. I am Lickfinger , Your Cooke . P. SE. A saucy Iacke you are , that 's once ; VVhat said I , Broker ? BRO. Nothing that I heard , Sir. LIC. I know his gift , hee can be deafe when he list . P. SE. Ha' you prouided me my bushell of egges ? I did bespeake ? I doe not care how stale , Or stincking that they be ; let 'hem be rotten : For ammunition here to pelt the boyes , That breake my windowes ? LIC. Yes Sir , I ha' spar'd 'hem Out of the custard politique for you , the Maiors . P. SE. 'T is well , goe in , take hence all that excesse , Make what you can of it , your best : and when I haue friends , that I inuite at home , prouide mee Such , such , and such a dish , as I bespeake ; One at a time , no superfluitie . Or if you haue it not , returne mee money ; You know my waies . LIC. They are a little crooked . P. SE. How knaue ? LIC. Because you do indent . P. SE. 'T is true , Sir , I do indent you shall returne me money . LIC. Rather then meat , I know it : you are iust still . P. SE. I loue it still . And therefore if you spend The red-Deere pyes i' your house , or sell 'hem forth , Sir , Cast so , that I may haue their coffins all , Return'd here , and pil'd vp : I would be thought To keepe some kind of house . LIC. By the mouldie signes ? P. SE. And then remember meat for my two dogs : Fat flaps of mutton ; kidneyes ; rumps of veale ; Good plentious scraps ; my maid shall eat the reliques . LIC. VVhen you & your dogs haue din'd . A sweet reuersion . P. SE. VVho 's here ? my Courtier ? and my little Doctor ? My Muster-Master ? and what Plouer 's that They haue brought to pull ? BRO. I know not , some green Plouer . I 'le find him out . P. SE. Doe , for I know the rest , They are the Ieerers , mocking , flouting Iackes . ACT. II. SCENE . IV. FITTON . PENI-BOY . SE. ALMANACH . SHVNFIELD . MADRIGAL . LICK-FINGER . BROKER . HOw now old Money-Bawd ? w' are come — P. IV. To ieere me , As you were wont , I know you . ALM. No , to giue thee Some good security , and see Pecunia . P. SE. What is 't ? FIT. Our selues . ALM. Wee 'l be one bound for another . FIT. This noble Doctor here . ALM. This worthy Courtier . FIT. This Man o' war , he was our Muster-Master . ALM. But a Sea-Captaine now , braue Captaine Shun-field . He holds vp his nose . SHVN. You snuffe the ayre now , as the scent displeas'd you ? FIT. Thou needst not feare him man , his credit is sound , ALM. And season'd too , since he tooke salt at Sea. P. SE. I doe not loue pickl●d security , Would I had one good Fresh-man in for all ; For truth is , you three stinke . SHV. You are a Rogue , P. SE. I thinke I am , but I will lend no money On that security , Captaine . ALM. Here 's a Gentleman , A Fresh-man i' the world , one Master Madrigall . FIT. Of an vntainted credit ; what say you to him ? SHV. Hee 's gone me thinkes , where is he ? Madrigall ? Madrigall steps aside with Broker . P. SE. H' has an odde singing name , is he an Heyre ? FIT. An Heyre to a faire fortune , ALM. And full hopes : A dainty Scholler , and a pretty Poët ! P. SE. Y 'aue said enough . I ha' no money , Gentlemen , An● he goe to 't in ryme once , not a penny SHV. Why , hee 's of yeares , though he haue little beard . He snuffes againe . P. SE. His beard has time to grow . I haue no money : Let him still dable in Poetry . No Pecunia Is to be seene . ALM. Come , thou lou'st to be costiue Still i' thy curt'sie ; but I haue a pill , A golden pill to purge away this melancholly . SHV. T is nothing but his keeping o' the house here , With his two drowsie doggs . FIT. A drench of sacke At a good tauerne , and a fine fresh pullet , Would cure him . LIC. Nothing but a yong Haire in white-broth , I know his diet better then the Doctor . SHV. What Lick-finger ? mine old host of Ram-Alley ? You ha' some mer●at here . ALM. Some dosser of Fish Or Fowle to fetch of . FIT. An odde bargaine of Venison , To driue . P. SE. Will you goe in , knaue ? LIC. I must needs , You see who driues me , gentlemen . ALM. Not the diuell . FIT , Hee may be in time , hee is his Agent , now . P. SE. You are all cogging Iacks , a Couy o' wits , The Ieerers , that still call together at meales : Or rather an Airy , for you are birds of prey : Peny-boy thrusts him in . And flie at all , nothing's too bigge or high for you . And are so truely fear'd , but not belou'd One of another : as no one dares breake Company from the rest , lest they should fall , Vpon him absent . ALM. O! the onely Oracle That euer peept , or spake out of a dublet . SHV. How the rogue stinks , worse then a Fishmonger sleeues ! FIT. Or Curriers hands ! SHV. And such a perboil'd visage ! FIT. His face lookes like a Diers apron , iust ! ALM. A sodden head , and his whole braine a possit curd ! P. SE. I , now you ieere , ieere on ; I haue no money . ALM. I wonder what religion hee 's of ! FIT. No certaine species sure , A kinde of mule ! That 's halfe an Ethnicke , halfe a Christian ! P. Se. I haue no monie , gentlemen . SHV. This stocke . He has no sense of any vertue , honour , Gentrie or merit . P. Se. You say very right , My meritorious Captaine , ( as I take it ! ) Merit will keepe no house , nor pay no house rent . Will Mistresse Merit goe to mercat , thinke you ? Set on the pot , or feed the family ? Will Gentry cleare with the Butcher ? or the Baker ? Fetch in a Phessant , or a brace of Partridges , From good-wife Poulter , for my Ladies supper . FIT. See! this pure rogue ! P. Se. This rogue has money tho' , My worshipfull braue Courtier has no money . No , nor my valiant Captaine . SHV. Hang you rascall . P. Se. Nor you , my learned Doctor . I lou'd you Whil you did hold your practice , and kill tripe wiues . And kept you to your vrinall ; but since your thombes Haue greas'd the Ephemerides , casting figures , And turning ouer for your Candle-rents , And your twelue houses in the Zodiacke : With your Almutens , Alma cantaras , Troth you shall cant alone for Peny-boy . SHV. I told you what we should find him , a meere Bawd. FIT. A rogue , a cheater . P. Se. What you please , gentlemen , I am of that humble nature and condition , Neuer to minde your worships , or take notice Of what you throw away , thus . I keepe house here Like a lame Cobler , neuer out of doores , With my two dogs , my friends ; and ( as you say ) Driue a quicke pretty trade , still . I get money : And as for Titles , be they Rogue , or Rascall , Or what your worships fancy , let 'hem passe As transitory things ; they 're mine to day , And yours to morrow . ALM. Hang thee dog . SHV. Thou curre . P. Se. You see how I doe blush , and am asham'd Of these large attributes ? yet you haue no money . ALM. Well wolfe , Hyaena , you old pockie rascall , You will ha' the Hernia fall downe againe Into your Scrotum , and I shall be sent for . I will remember then , that ; and your Fistula In ano , I cur'd you of . P. Se. Thanke your dog-leech craft . They were ' holesome piles , afore you meddl'd with ' hem . ALM. What an vngratefull wretch is this ? SHV. Hee minds A curtesie no more , then London-bridge , What Arch was mended last . FIT. Hee neuer thinkes . More then a logge , of any grace at Court , A man may doe him : or that such a Lord Reach't him his hand . P. Se. O yes ! if grace would strike The brewers Tally , or my good Lords hand , Would quit the scores . But Sir , they will not doe it , Here 's a piece , my good Lord piece , doth all . Goes to the Butehers ▪ fetches in a muton , He shewes a piece . Then to the Bakers , brings in bread , makes fires , Gets wine , and does more reall Curtesies , Then all my Lords , I know : My sweet Lord peece ! You are my Lord , the rest are cogging Iacks , Vnder the Rose . SHV. Rogue , I could beat you now , P. Se. True Captaine , if you durst beat any other . I should belieue you , but indeed you are hungry ; You are not angry Captaine , if I know you Aright ; good Captaine . No , Pecunia , Is to be seene , though Mistresse Band would speake , Or little Blushet - Waxe , be ne'r so easie , I 'll stop mine eares with her , against the Syrens , Court , and Philosophy . God be wi● you , Gentlemen , Prouide you better names . Pecunia is for you . FIT. What a damn'd Harpy it is ? where 's Madrigall ? Is he sneek'd hence . SHV. Here he comes with Broker , Madrigall returnes . Pecunia's Secretary . ALM. He may doe some good With him perhaps . Where ha' you beene Madrigall ? MAD. Aboue with my Ladies women , reading verses . FIT. That was a fauour . Good morrow , Master Secretary . SHV. Good morrow , Master Vsher. ALM. Sir , by both Your worshipfull Titles , and your name Mas Broker . Good morrow . MAD. I did aske him if hee were Amphibion Broker . SHV. Why ? ALM. A creature of two natures , Because hee has two Offices . BRO. You may ieere , You ha' the wits , young Gentlemen . But your hope Of Helicon , will neuer carry it , heere , With our fat family ; we ha' the dullest , Most unboar'd Eares for verse amongst our females . I grieu'd you read so long , Sir , old Nurse Mortgage , Shee snoar'd i' the Chaire , and Statute ( if you mark'd her ) Fell fast a sleepe , and Mistresse Band , shee nodded , But not with any consent to what you read . They must haue somwhat else to chinke , then rymes . If you could make an Epitaph on your Land , ( Imagine it on departure ) such a Poem Would wake 'hem ▪ and bring Waxe to her true temper . MAD. I faith Sir , and I will try . BRO. 'T is but earth , Fit to make brickes and tyles of . SHV. Pocks vpon 't 'T is but for pots , or pipkins at the best . If it would keepe vs in good tabacco pipes , BRO. 'T were worth keeping . FIT. Or in porc lane dishes There were some hope . ALM. But this is a hungry soile , And must be helpt . FIT. Who would hold any Land To haue the trouble to marle it . SHV. Not a gentleman . BRO. Let clownes and hyndes affect it , that loue ploughes , And carts , and harrowes , and are busie still , In vexing the dull element . ALM. Our sweete Songster Shall rarifie 't into ayre . FIT. And you Mas. Broker Shall haue a feeling . BRO. So it supple , Sir , The nerues . MAD. O! it shall be palpable , Make thee runne thorow a hoope , or a thombe-ring , The nose of a tabacco pipe , and draw Thy ductile bones out , like a knitting needle , To serue my subtill turnes . BRO. I shall obey , Sir , And run a thred , like an houre-glasse . P. S● . Where is Broker ? Are not these flies gone yet ? pray' quit my house , I 'le smoake you out else . FIT. O! the Prodigall ! Will you be at so much charge with vs , and losse ? MAD. I haue heard you ha' offered Sir , to lock vp smoake , And cauke your windores , spar up all your doores , Thinking to keepe it a close prisoner wi' you , And wept , when it went out , Sir , at your chimney . FIT. And yet his eyes were dryer then a pummise . SHV. A wretched rascall , that will binde about The nose of his bellowes , lest the wind get out When hee 's abroad . ALM. Sweepes downe no cobwebs here , But sells 'hem for cut-fingers . And the spiders , As creatures rear'd of dust , and cost him nothing , To fat old Ladies monkeyes . FIT. Hee has offer●d To gather vp spilt water , and preserue Each haire falls from him to stop balls with all . SHV. A slaue , and an Idolater to Pecunia ! P. SE. You all haue happy memories , Gentlemen , In rocking my poore cradle . I remember too , When you had lands , and credit , worship , friends , I , and could giue security : now , you haue none , Or will haue none right shortly . This can time , And the vicissitude of things . I haue All these . and money too , and doe possesse 'hem , And am right heartily glad of all our memories , And both the changes . FIT. Let vs leaue the viper . P. SE. Hee 's glad he is rid of his torture , and so soone . Broker , come hither , vp , and tell your Lady , Shee must be readie presently , and Statute , Band , Mortgage , VVax . My prodigall young kinsman Will streight be here to see her ; ' top of our house , The flourishing , and flanting Peny-boy . Wee were but three of vs in all the world , My brother Francis , whom they call'd Franck Peny-boy , Father to this : hee 's dead . This Peny-boy , Is now the heire ! I , Richer Peny-boy , Not Richard , but old Harry Peny-boy , And ( to make rime ) close , wary Peny-boy I shall haue all at last , my hopes doe tell me . Goe , see all ready ; and where my dogs haue falted , Remoue it with a broome , and sweeten all VVith a slice of iuniper , not too much , but sparing , VVe may be faultie our selues else , and turne prodigall , In entertaining of the Prodigall . Here hee is ! and with him — what ! a Clapper Dudgeon ! That 's a good signe ; to haue the begger follow him , So neere at his first entry into fortune . ACT. II. SCENE . V. PENY-BOY . IV. PENI-BOY . SEN. PICLOCK . CANTER . ) BROKER . PECVNIA . STATVTE . BAND . WAX. MORTGAGE . hid in the study . HOw now old Vncle ? I am come to see thee . And the braue Lady , here , the daughter of Ophir , They say thou keepst . P. SE. Sweet Nephew , if she were The daughter o' the Sunne , shee 's at your seruice , And so am I , and the whole family , Worshipfull Nephew . P. IV. Sai'st thou so , deare Vncle ? Welcome my friends then : Here is , Domine Picklocke : My man o' Law , sollicits all my causes . Followes my businesse , makes , and compounds my quarrells , Betweene my tenants and mee , sowes all my strifes , And reapes them too , troubles the country for mee , And vexes any neighbour , that I please . P. SE. But with commission ? P. IV. Vnder my hand & seale . P. Se. A worshipfull place ! PIC. I thanke his worship for it . P. SE. But what is this old Gentleman ? P. CA. A Rogue , A very Canter , I Sir , one that maunds Vpon the Pad , wee should be brothers though : For you are neere as wretched as my selfe , You dare not vse your money , and I haue none . P. SE. Not vse my money , cogging Iacke , who vses it At better rates ? le ts it for more i' the hundred , Then I doe , Sirrah ? P. IV. Be not angry vncle . P. SE. What ? to disgrace me , with my Queene ? as if I did not know her valew . P. CA. Sir , I meant You durst not to enioy it . P. SE. Hold your peace , Young Peny-boy is angyry . You are a Iacke . P. SE. Vncle , he shall be a Iohn , And , you goe to that , as good a man as you are . An' I can make him so , a better man , Perhaps I will too . Come , let vs goe . P. SE. Nay , kinsman , My worshipfull kinsman ; and the top of our house ; Doe not your penitent vncle that affront , For a rash word , to leaue his ioyfull threshold , Before you see the Lady that you long for . The Venus of the time , and state , Pecunia ! I doe perceiue , your bounty loues the man , 〈…〉 concealed vertue , that he hides Vnder th●se ●ags . P. CA. I owe my happinesse to him , ●qord● waiting on his worship , since I brought him 〈…〉 , welcome to all young heires . P. IV. Thou didst indeed , for which I thanke thee yet , Your 〈◊〉 Princesse , Vncle , is long a comming . P. CA. She is not rigg'd , Sir , setting forth some Lady , ●ill cost as much as furnishing a Fleete , 〈◊〉 she 's come at last , and like a Galley 〈◊〉 i' the prow . P. IV. Is this Pecunia ? P. S● . Vouchsafe my toward kinsman , gracious Madame , The sauour of your hand . PEC. Nay , of my lips , Sir , To him . P. IV. She kisses like a mortall creature , Almighty Mad●●e , I haue long'd to see you . PEC. And I haue my desire , Sir , to behold That youth , and shape , which in my dreames and wakes ▪ I haue so oft contemplated , and felt Warme in my v●ynes , and natiue as my blood . When I was told of your arriuall here , I felt my heart beat , as it would leape out , In speach ; and all my face it was a flame , But how it came to passe I doe not know . P. I● . O! beauty loues to be more proud then nature , That made you blush . I cannot satisfie My curious eyes , by which alone I 'am happy , In my beholding you . P. CA. They passe the complement Prettily well . PIC. I , he does kisse her , I like him . P. IV. My passion was cleare contrary , and doubtfull , He kisseth her . I shooke for feare , and yet I danc'd for ioy , I had such motions as the Sunne-beames make Against a wall , or playing on a water , Or trembling vapour of a boyling pot — P. SE. That 's not so good , it should ha' bin a Crucible , With molten mettall , she had vnderstood it . P. IV. I cannot talke , but I can loue you , Madame . Are these your Gentlewomen ? I loue them too . And which is mistresse Statute ? Mistresse Band ▪ They all kisse close , the last stucke to my lips . B●O. It was my Ladies Chamber-maid , soft - Waxe . P. IV. Soft lips she has , I am sure on 't . Mother Mortgage , I' lowe a kisse ▪ till she be yonger , Statute , Sweet Mistresse Band , and honey , little VVaxe , We must be better acquainted . STA. We are but seruants , Sir. BAND . But whom her Grace is so content to grace , We shall obserue . WAX. Aand with all fit respect . MOR. In our poore places . WAX. Being her Graces shadowes . P. IV. A fine well-spoken family . What 's thy name ? BRO. Broker . P. IV. Me thinks my vncle should not need thee , Who is a crafty Knaue , enough , beleeue it . Art thou her Graces Steward ? BRO. No , her Vsher , Sir. P. IV. What , o' the Hall ? thou hast a sweeping face , Thy beard is like a broome . BRO. No barren chin , Sir , I am no Eunuch , though a Gentleman-Vsher . P. IV. Thou shalt goe with vs. Vncle , I must haue My Princesse forth to day . P. SE. Whither you please , Sir , You shall command her . PEC. I will doe all grace To my new seruant . P. SE. Thanks vnto your bounty ; He is my Nephew , and my Chiefe , the Point , Tip , Top , and Tuft of all our family ! But , Sir , condition'd alwaies , you returne Statute , and Band home , with my sweet , soft Waxe , And my good Nurse , here , Mortgage . P. IV. O! what else ? P. SE. By Broker . P. IV. Do not feare . P. SE. She shall go wi' you , Whither you please , Sir , any where . P. CA. I see A Money-Bawd , is lightly a Flesh-Bawd , too . PIC. Are you aduis●d ? Now o' my faith , this Canter Would make a good graue Burgesse in some Barne . P. IV. Come , thou shalt go with vs , vncle . P. CA. By no means , Sir. P. IV. We 'll haue both Sack , and Fidlers . P. SE. I 'll not draw That charge vpon your worship . P. CA. He speakes modestly , And like an Vncle , P. SE. But Mas Broker , here , He shall attend you , Nephew ; her Graces Vsher , And what you fancy to bestow on him , Be not too lauish , vse a temperate bounty , I 'll take it to my selfe . P. IV. I will be princely , While I possesse my Princesse , my Pecunia . P. SE. Where is 't you eat ? P. IV. Hard by , at Picklocks lodging . Old Lickfinger 's the Cooke , here in Ram-Alley . P. SE. He has good cheare ; perhaps I 'll come and see you . P. CAN. O , fie ! an Alley , and a Cooks-shop , grosse , The Canter takes him aside , and perswades him , 'T will sauour , Sir , most rankly of 'hem both . Let your meat rather follow you , to a tauerne . PIC. A tauern 's as vnfit too , for a Princesse . P. CA. No , I haue knowne a Princesse , and a great one , Come forth of a tauerne . PIC. Not goe in , Sir , though . P. CA. She must goe in , if she came forth : the blessed Pokahontas ( as the Historian calls her And great Kings daughters of Virginia ) Hath bin in womb of a tauerne ; and besides , Your nasty Vncle will spoyle all your mirth , And be as noysome . PIC. That 's true . P. CA. No 'faith , Dine in Apollo with Pecunia , At braue Duke Wadloos , haue your friends about you , And make a day on 't . P. IV. Content 'ifaith : Our meat shall be brought thither . Simon the King , Will bid vs welcome . PIC. Patron , I haue a suite . P. IV. What 's that ? PIC. That you will carry the Infanta , To see the Staple ' , her Grace will be a grace , To all the members of it . P. IV. I will doe it : And haue her Armes set vp there , with her Titles , Aurelia Clara Pecunia , the Infanta . And in Apollo . Come ( sweete Princesse ) goe . P. SE. Broker , be careful of your charge . BRO. I warrant you . The second Intermeane after the second Act. CENSVRE . Why , this is duller and duller ! intolerable ! scuruy ! neither Diuel nor Foole in this Play ! pray God , some on vs be not a witch , Gossip , to forespeake the matter thus . MIRTH. I feare we are all such , and we were old enough : But we are not all old enough to make one witch . How like you the Vice i' the Play. EXPECTATION . Which is he ? MIR. Three or foure : old Couetousnesse , the sordid Peny-boy , the Money-bawd , who is a flesh-bawd too , they say . TATLE. But here is neuer a Fiend to carry him away . Besides , he has neuer a wooden dagger ! I 'ld not giue a rush for a Vice , that has not a wooden dagger to snap at euery body he meetes . MIRTH. That was the old way , Gossip , when Iniquity came in like Hokos Pokos , in a Iuglers ierkin , with false skirts ▪ like the Knaue of Clubs ! but now they are attir'd like men and women o' the time , the Vices , male and female ! Prodigality like a young heyre , and his Mistresse Money ( whose fauours he scatters like counters ) prank't vp like a prime Lady , the Infanta of the Mines . CEN. I , therein they abuse an honorable Princesse , it is thought . MIRTH. By whom is it so thought ? or where lies the abuse ? CEN. Plaine in the stiling her Infanta , and giuing her three names . MIRTH. Take heed , it lie not in the vice of your interpretation : what haue Aurelia , Clara , Pecunia to do with any person ? do they any more , but expresse the property of Money , which is the daughter of earth , and drawne out of the Mines ? Is there nothing to be call'd Infanta , but what is subiect to exception ? Why not the Infanta of the Beggers ? or Infanta o' the Gipsies ? as well as King of Beggers , and King of Gipsies ? CEN. Well , and there were no wiser then I , I would sow him in a sack , and send him by sea to his Princesse . MIRT. Faith , and hee heard you Censure , he would goe neere to sticke the Asses eares to your high dressing , and perhaps to all ours for harkening to you . TATLE. By 'r Lady but he should not to mine , I would harken , and harken , and censure , if I saw cause , for th' other Princesse sake Pokahontas , surnam'd the blessed , whom hee has abus'd indeed ( and I doe censure him , and will censure him ) to say she came foorth of a Tauerne , was said like a paltry Poet. MIRTH. That 's but one Gossips opinion , and my Gossip Tatle's too ! but what saies Expectation , here , she sits sullen and silent . EXP. Troth I expect their Office , their great Office ! the Staple , what it will be ! they haue talk't on 't , but wee see 't not open yet ; would Butter would come in , and spread it-selfe a little to vs. MIRTH. Or the butter-box , Buz , the Emissary . TATLE. When it is churn'd , and dish't , we shall heare of it . EXP. If it be fresh and sweet butter ; but say it be sower and wheyish . MIR. Then it is worth nothing , meere pot - butter , fit to be spent in suppositories , or greasing coach-wheeles , stale stinking butter , and such I feare it is , by the being barrell'd vp so long . EXPECTATION . Or ranke Irish butter . CEN. Haue patience Gossips , say that contrary to our expectations it proue right , seasonable , salt butter . MIR. Or to the time of yeer , in Lent , delicate Almond butter ! I haue a sweet tooth yet , and I will hope the best ; and sit downe as quiet , and calme as butter ; looke as smooth , and soft as butter ; be merry , and melt like butter ; laugh and be fat like butter : so butter answer my expectation , and be not mad butter ; If it be : It shall both Iuly and December see . I say no more , But — Dixi. TO THE READERS . IN this following Act , the Office is open'd , and shew'n to the Prodigall , and his Princesse Pecunia , wherein the allegory , and purpose of the Author hath hitherto beene wholly mistaken , and so sinister an interpretation beene made , as if the soules of most of the Spectators had liu'd in the eyes and eares of these ridiculous Gossips that tattle betweene the Acts. But hee prayes you thus to mend it . To consider the Newes here vented , to be none of his Newes , or any reasonable mans ; but Newes made like the times Newes , ( a weekly cheat to draw mony ) and could not be fitter reprehended , then in raising this ridiculous Office of the Staple , wherin the age may see her owne folly , or hunger and thirst after publish'd pamphlets of Newes , set out euery Saturday , but made all at home , & no syllable of truth in them : then which there cannot be a greater disease in nature , or a fouler scorne put vpon the times . And so apprehending it , you shall doe the Author , and your owne iudgement a courtesie , and perceiue the tricke of alluring money to the Office , and there cooz'ning the people . If you haue the truth , rest quiet , and consider that Ficta , voluptatis causa , sint proxima veris. ACT. III. SCENE . I. FITTON . CYMBAL , to them PICKLOCKE . REGISTER . CLERKE . THO : BARBER . YOu hunt vpon a wrong scent still , and thinke The ayre of things will carry 'hem , but it must Be reason and proportion , not fine sounds , My cousin Cymball , must get you this Lady . You haue entertain'd a petty-fogger here , Picklocke , with trust of an Emissartes place , And he is , all , for the young Prodigall , You see he has left vs. CYM. Come , you doe not know him , That speake thus of him . He will haue a tricke , To open vs a gap ▪ by a trap-doore , When they least dreame on 't . Here he comes . What newes ? PICK. Where is my brother Buz ? my brother Ambler : The Register , Examiner , and the Clerkes ? Appeare , and let vs muster all in pompe , For here will be the rich Infanta , presently , To make her visit . Peny-boy the heyre , My Patron , has got leaue for her to play With all her traine , of the old churle , her Guardian . Now is your time to make all court vnto her ; That she may first but know , then loue the place , And shew it by her frequent visits here : And afterwards , get her to soiourne with you . She will be weary of the Prodigall , quickly . CYM. Excellent newes ! FIT. And counsell of an Oracle ! CYM. How say you cousin Fitton ? FIT. brother Picklock , I shall adore thee , for this parcell of tidings , It will cry vp the credit of our Office , Eternally , and make our Staple immortall ! PICK. Looke your addresses , then , be faire and fit , And entertaine her , and her creatures , too , With all the migniar dise , and quaint Caresses , You can put on ' hem . FIT. Thou seem'st , by thy language , No lesse a Courtier , then a man o' Law. I must embrace thee . PIC. Tut , I am Vertumnus , On euery change , or chance , vpon occasion , A true Chamaelion , I can colour for 't . I moue vpon my axell , like a turne-pike . Fit my face to the parties , and become Streight , one of them . CYM. Sirs , vp , into your Desks , And spread the rolls vpon the Table , so . Is the Examiner set ? REG. Yes , Sir. CYM. Ambler , and Buz , Are both abroad , now . PIC. Wee 'll sustaine their parts . No matter , let them ply the affayres without , Fitton puts on the office cloake , and Cymbal the gowne . Let vs alone within , I like that well . On with the cloake , and you with the Staple gowne , And keep your state , stoupe only to the Infanta ; We 'll haue a flight at Mortgage , Statute , Band , And hard , but we 'll bring Wax vnto the retriue : Each know his seuerall prouince , and discharge it . FIT. Fitton is brought abent . I do admire this nimble ingine , Picklock . CYM. Cuz , What did I say ? FIT. You haue rectified my errour ! ACT. III. SCENE . II. PENI-BOY . IV. P. CANTER . PECVNIA . STATVTE . BAND . MORTGAGE . WAX. BROKER . CVSTOMERS . BY your leaue , Gentlemen , what newes ? good , good still ? I' your new Office ? Princesse , here 's the Staple ! This is the Gouernor , kisse him , noble Princesse , For my sake . Thom , how is it honest Thom ? How does thy place , and thou ? my Creature , Princesse ? This is my Creature , giue him your hand to kisse , He was my Barber , now he writes Clericus ! I bought this place for him , and gaue it him . P. CA. He should haue spoke of that , Sir , and not you : Two doe not doe one Office well . P. IV. 'T is true , But I am loth to lose my curtesies . P. CA. So are all they , that doe them , to vaine ends , And yet you do lose , when you pay you selues . P. IV. No more o' your sentences , Canter , they are stale , We come for newes , remember where you are . I pray thee let my Princesse heare some newes , Good Master Cymbal . CYM. What newes would she heare ? Or of what kind , Sir ? P. IV. Any , any kind . So it be newes , the newest that thou hast , Some newes of State , for a Princesse . CYM. Read from Rome , there . THO. They write , the King of Spaine is chosen Pope . P. IV. How ? THO. And Emperor too , the thirtieth of February . P. IV. Is the Emperor dead ? CYM. No , but he has resign'd , And trailes a pike now , vnder Tilly. FIT. For pennance . P. IV. These will beget strange turnes in Christendome ! THO. And Spinola is made Generall of the Iesuits . P. IV. Stranger ! FIT , Sir , all are alike true , and certaine . CYM. All the pretence to the fifth Monarchy , Was held but vaine , vntill the ecclesiastique , And secular powers , were vnited , thus , Both in one person . FIT. 'T has bin long the ayme Of the house of Austria . CYM. See but Maximilian , His letters to the Baron of Bouttersheim , Or Scheiter-huyssen . FIT. No , of Liechtenstein , Lord Paul , I thinke . P. IV. I haue heard of some such thing . Don Spinola made Generall of the Iesuits ! A Priest ! CYM. O , no , he is dispenc'd with all , And the whole society , who doe now appeare The onely Enginers of Christendome . P. IV. They haue bin thought so long , and rightly too . FIT. Witnesse the Engine , that they haue presented him , To winde himselfe with , vp , into the Moone : And thence make all his discoueries ! CYM. Read on . THO. And Vittellesco , he that was last Generall , Being now turn'd Cooke to the society , Has drest his excellence , such a dish of egges — P. IV. What potch'd ? THO. No , powder'd . CYM. All the yolke is wilde fire , As he shall need beleaguer no more townes , But throw his Egge in . FIT. It shall cleare consume , Palace , and place ; demolish and beare downe , All strengths before it ! CYM. Neuer be extinguish'd ! Till all become one ruine ! F● . And from Florence , THO. They write was found in Galileos study , A burning Glasse ( which they haue sent him too ) To fire any Fleet that 's out at Sea — CYM. By Mooneshine , is 't not so ? THO. Yes , Sir , i' the water . P. IV. His strengths will be vnresistable , if this hold ! Ha'you no Newes against him , on the contrary ? CLA. Yes , Sit , they write here , one Cornelius - 〈◊〉 , Hath made the Hollanders an inuisible Ecle , To swimme the hauen at Dunk●●ke , and sinke all The shipping there . P. IV. Why ha●not you this , Thom ? 〈◊〉 . Because he keeps the Pontificiall side . P. IV. How , change sides , Thom. 'T was neuer in my thought To put thee vp against our selues . Come downe , Quickly . CYM. Why , Sir ? P. IV. I venter'd not my mony Vpon those termes : If he may change ; why so . I 'll ha him keepe his owne side , sure . FIT , Why , let him , 'T is but writing so much ouer againe . P. IV. For that I 'll beare the charge : There 's two Pieces , FIT. Come , do not stick with the gentleman . CYM. I 'l take none Sir ▪ And yet he shall ha' the place . P. IV. They shall be 〈…〉 , Vp , Thom : and th' Office shall take ' hem . Keep your side , Thom. Know your owne side , doe not forsake your side , Thom. CYM. Read. THO. They write here one Cornelius - 〈◊〉 , Hath made the Hollanders an inuisible Ecle , To swimme the Hauen at Dunkirke , and sinke all The shipping there . P. IV. But how is 't done ? CYM. I 'll shew you Sir It is an A●toma , runnes vnder water , With a s●●g nose , and has a nimble taile Made like an anger , with which taile she wrigles Betwixt the coasts of a Ship , and sinkes it streight . P. IV. Whence ha'you this newes . FIT. From a right hand I assure you , The Ecle-boats here , that lye before Queen-Hyth , Came out of Holland . P. IV. A most braue deuice , To murder their flat bottomes . FIT. I doe grant you ▪ But what if Spinola haue a new Proiect : To bring an army ouer in corke-shooes , And land them , here , at Harwich ? all his horse Are shod with corke , and fourescore pieces of ordinance , Mounted vpon cork-carriages , with bladders , In stead of wheeles to runne the passage ouer At a spring-tide . P. IV. Is 't true ? FIT. As true as the rest ▪ P. IV. He 'll neuer leaue his engines : I would heare now Some curious newes . CYM. As what ? P. IV. Magick , or 〈◊〉 Or flying i' the ayre , I care not what . CLA. They write from Libtzig ( reuerence to your 〈◊〉 ) The Art of drawing farts out of dead bodies , Is by the Brotherhood of the Rosie Crosse , Produc'd vnto perfection , in so sweet And rich a tincture — FIT. As there is no Princesse , But may perfume her chamber with th' extraction . P. IV. There 's for you , Princesse . P. CA. What , a fart for her ? P. IV. I meane the spirit . P. CA. Beware how she r●sents it . P. IV. And what hast thou , Thom ? THO. The perpetuall Motion ▪ Is here found out by an Alewife in Saint Katherines , At the signe o' the dancing Beares ▪ P. IV. What , from her tap ? I 'll goe see that , or else I 'll send old Canter . He can make that discouery . P. CA. Yes , in Ale. P. IV. Let me haue all this Newes , made vp , and seal'd ▪ REG. The people presse vpon vs , please you , Sir , The Register offers him a roome . Withdraw with your faire Princesse . There 's a roome Within , Sir , to retyre too . P. IV. No , good Register , We 'll stand it out here , and obserue your Office ; What Newes it issues . REG. 'T is the house of fame , Sir , Where both the curious , and the negligent ; The scrupulous , and carelesse ; wilde , and stay'd ; The idle , and laborious ; all doe meet , To tast the Cornu copiae of her rumors , Which she , the mother of sport ▪ pleaseth to scatter Among the vulgar : Baites , Sir , for the people ! And they will bite like fishes . P. IV. Let 's see 't . DOP. Ha'you in your prophane Shop , any Newes O' the Saints at Amsterdam ? REG. Yes , how much would you ? DOP. Six peny worth . REG. Lay your mony down , read , Thomas . THO. The Saints do write , they expect a Prophet , shortly , The Prophet Baal , to be sent ouer to them , To calculate a time , and halfe a time , And the whole time , according to Naömetry . P. IV. What 's that ? THO. The measuring o' the Temple : a Cabal Found out but lately , and set out by Archie , Or some such head , of whose long coat they haue heard , And being black , desire it . DOP. Peace be with them ! REG ▪ So there had need , for they are still by the eares One with another . DOP. It is their zeale . REG. Most likely . DOP. Haue you no other of that species ? REG. Yes , But dearer , it will cost you a shilling . DOP. Verily , There is a nine-pence , I will shed no more . REG. Not , to the good o' the Saints ? DOP. I am not sure , That , man is good . REG. Read , from Constantinople , Nine penny'orth . THO. They giue out here , the grand Signior Is certainely turn'd Christian , and to cleare The controuersie'twixt the Pope and him , Which is the Antichrist ; he meanes to visit The Church at Amsterdam , this very Sommer , And quit all marks o' the beast . DOP. Now ioyfull tydings . Who brought in this ? Which Emissary ? REG. Buz. Your countrey-man . DOP. Now , blessed be the man , And his whole Family , with the Nation . REG. Yes , for Amboyna , and the Iustice there ! This is a Doper , a she Anabaptist ! Seale and deliuer her her newes , dispatch . C. 2. Ha'you any newes from the Indies ? any mirac● Done in Iapan , by the Iesuites ? or in China ? CLA. No , but we heare of a Colony of cookes To be set a shore o' the coast of America , For the conuersion of the Caniballs , And making them good , eating Christians . Here comes the Colonell that vndertakes it . C. 2. Who ? captaine Lickfinger ? LIC. Newes , newes my boyes ! I am to furnish a great feast to day , And I would haue what newes the Office affords . CLA. We were venting some of you , of your new proiect , REG. Afore 't was paid for , you were somewhat too hasty . P. IV. What Lickfinger ! wilt thou conuert the Caniballs , With spit and pan Diuinity ? LIC. Sir , for that I will not vrge , but for the fire and zeale To the true cause ; thus I haue vndertaken : With two Lay-brethren , to my selfe , no more , One o' the broach , th' other o' the boyler , In one sixe months , and by plaine cookery , No magick to 't , but old Iap●ets physicke , The father of the Europaean Arts , To make such sauces for the Sauages , And cookes their meats , with those inticing steemes , As it would make our Caniball-Christians , Forbeare the mutuall eating one another , Which they doe doe , more cunningly , then the wilde Anthropophagi ; that snatch onely strangers , Like my old Patrons dogs , there . P. IV. O , my Vncles ! Is dinner ready , Lickfinger ? LIC. When you please , Sir. I was bespeaking but a parcell of newes , To strew out the long meale withall , but 't seemes You are furnish'd here already . P. IV. O , not halfe ! LIC. What Court-newes is there ? any Proclamations , Or Edicts to come forth . THO. Yes , there is one . That the Kings Barber has got , for aid of our trade : Whereof there is a manifest decay . A Precept for the wearing of long haire , To runne to seed , to sow bald pates withall , And the preseruing fruitfull heads , and chins , To help a mistery , almost antiquated . Such as are bald and barren beyond hope , Are to be separated , and set by For Vshers , to old Countesses . LIC. And Coachmen . To mount their boxes , reuerently , and driue , Like Lapwings , with a shell vpo ' their heads . Thorow the streets . Ha'you no Newes o the St●ge ? They 'll aske me about new Playes , at dinner time . And I should be as dumbe as a fish . THO. O! yes . There is a Legacy left to the Kings Players , Both for their various shifting of their Scene , And dext'rous change o' their persons to all shapes , And all disguises : by the right reuerend Archbishop of Spalato . LIC. He is dead , That plai'd him ! THO. Then , h' has lost his share o' the Legacy . LIC. What newes of Gundomar ? THO. A second Fistula , Or an excoriation ( at the least ) For putting the poore English-play , was writ of him , To such a sordid vse , as ( is said ) he did , Of cleansing his posterior's . LIC. Iustice ! Iustice ! THO. Since when , he liues condemn'd to his share , at Bruxels . And there sits filing certaine politique hinges , To hang the States on , h' has heau'd off the hookes . LIC. What must you haue for these ? P. IV. Thou shalt pay nothing , But reckon 'hem in i' the bill . There 's twenty pieces , Her Grace bestowes vpon the Office , Thom , Hee giues 20. pieces , to the Office . Doubles it . Write thou that downe for Newes . REG. We may well do 't , We haue not many such . P. IV. There 's twenty more , If you say so ; my Prin●cesse is a Princesse ! And put that too , vnder the Office Seale . CYM. If it will please your Grace to soiourne here , Cymbal takes Pecunia aside , courts and wooes her , to the Office. And take my roofe for couert , you shall know The rites belonging to your blood , and birth , Which few can apprehend : these sordid seruants , Which rather are your keepers , then attendants , Should not come neere your presence . I would haue You waited on by Ladies , and your traine Borne vp by persons of quality , and honour , Your meat should be seru'd in with curious dances , And set vpon the boord , with virgin hands , Tun'd to their voices ; not a dish remou'd , But to the Musicke , nor a drop of wine , Mixt , with his water , without Harmony , PEC. You are a Courtier , Sir , or somewhat more ; That haue this tempting language ! CYM. I 'm your seruant , Exellent Princesse , and would ha'you appeare That , which you are . Come forth State , and wonder , Of these our times , dazle the vulgar eyes . And strike the people blind with admiration . P. CAN. Why , that 's the end of wealth ! thrust riches outward , And remaine beggers within : contemplate nothing But the vile sordid things of time , place , money , And let the noble , and the precious goe , Vertue and honesty ; hang 'hem ; poore thinne membranes Of honour ; who respects them ? O , the Fates ! How hath all iust , true reputation fall'n , Fitton hath beene courting the waiting-women , this while , and is ieered by them . Since money , this base money 'gan to haue any ! BAN. Pitty , the Gentleman is not immortall . WAX. As he giues out , the place is , by description . FIT. A very Paradise , if you saw all , Lady . WAX. I am the Chamber-maid , Sir , you mistake , My Lady may see all . FIT. Sweet Mistresse Statute , gentle Mistresse Band , And Mother Mortgage , doe but get her Grace To soiourne here . — PIC. I thanke you gentle Waxe , MOR. If it were a Chattell , I would try my credit . PIC. So it is , for terme of life , we count it so . STA. She meanes , Inheritance to him , and his heyres ▪ Or that he could assure a State , of yeeres : I 'll be his Statute-Staple , Statute-Merchant , Or what he please . PIC. He can expect no more . BAN. His cousin Alderman Security , That he did talke of so , e'en now — STA. Who , is The very broch o' the bench , gem o' the City . BAN. He and his Deputy , but assure his life For one seuen yeeres . STA. And see what we 'll doe for him , Vpon his scarlet motion . BAN. And old Chaine , That drawes the city-eares . WAX. When he sayes nothing , But twirles it thus . STA. A mouing Oratory ! BAN. Dumb Rethoricke , and silent eloquence ! As the fine Poet saies ! FIT. Come , they all scorne vs , Doe you not see 't ? the family of scorne ! BRO. Doe not belieue him ! gentle Master Picklocke , They vnderstood you not : the Gentlewomen , They thought you would ha'my Lady soiourne , with you , And you desire but now and then , a visit ? PIC. Yes , if she pleas'd , Sir , it would much aduance Vnto the Office , her continuall residence ! ( I speake but as a member ) BRO. 'T is inough . I apprehend you . And it shall goe hard , But I 'll so worke , as some body shall worke her ! PIC. 'pray you change with our Master , but a word about it . P. IV. Well , Lickfinger , see that our meat be ready , Thou hast Newes inough . LIC. Something of Bethlem Gabor , And then I 'm gone . THO. We heare he has deuis'd A Drumme , to fill all Christendome with the sound : But that he cannot drawe his forces neere it , To march yet , for the violence of the noise . And therefore he is faine by a designe , To carry 'hem in the ayre , and at some distance , Till he be married , then they shall appeare . LIC. Or neuer ; well , God b'wi'you ( stay , who 's here ? ) A little of the Duke of Bauier , and then — CLA. H●has taken a gray habit , and is turn'd The Churches Millar , grinds the catholique grist With euery wind : and Tilly takes the toll . CVS. 4. Ha'you any newes o' the Pageants to send downe ? Into the seuerall Counties . All the countrey Expected from the city most braue speeches ▪ Now , at the Coronation . LIC. It expected More then it vnderstood : for , they stand mute , Poore innocent dumb things ; they are but wood . As is the bench and blocks , they were wrought on , yet If May-day come , and the Sunne shine , perhaps , They 'll sing like Memnons Statue , and be vocall . CVS. 5. Ha'you any Forest-newes ? THO. None very wild , Sir , Some tame there is , out o' the Forrest of fooles , A new Parke is a making there , to seuer Cuckolds of Antler , from the Rascalls . Such , Whose wiues are dead , and haue since cast their heads , Shall remaine Cuckolds-pollard . LIC. I 'll ha'that newes . CVS. 1. And I. 2. And I. 3. And I. 4. And I. 5. And I. CYM. Sir , I desire to be excus'd ; and , Madame : I cannot leaue my Office , the first day . My Cousin Fitton here , shall wait vpon you . And Emissary Picklocke . P. IV. And Thom : Clericus ? CYM. I cannot spare him yet , but he shall follow you , When they haue ordered the Rolls . Shut vp th' Office , When you ha' done , till two a clocke . ACT. III. SCENE . III. SHVNFIELD . ALMANACK . MADRIGAL . CLERKES . BY your leaue , Clerkes , Where shall we dine to day ? doe you know ? the Ieerers . ALM. Where 's my fellow Fitton ? THO. New gone forth . SHV. Cannot your Office tell vs , what braue fellowes Doe eat together to day , in towne , and where ? THO. Yes , there 's a Gentleman , the braue heire , yong Peny-boy , Dines in Apollo . MAD. Come , let 's thither then , I ha' supt in Apollo ! ALM. With the Muses ? MAD. No , But with two Gentlewomen , call'd , the Graces ▪ ALM. They ' were euer three in Poetry . MAD. This was truth , Sir. THO. Sir , Master Fitton 's there too ! SHV. All the better ! ALM. We may haue a ieere , perhaps . SHV. Yes , you 'll drink , Doctor . ( If there be any good meat ) as much good wine now , As would lay vp a Dutch Ambassador . THO. If he dine there , he 's sure to haue good meat , For , Lickfinger prouides the dinner . ALM. Who ? The glory o' the Kitchin ? that holds Cookery , A trade from Adam ? quotes his broths ▪ and sallads ? And sweares he 's not dead yet , but translated In some immortall crust , the past of Almonds ? MAD. The same . He holds no man can be a Poet , That is not a good Cooke , to know the palats , And seuerall tastes o' the time . He drawes all Arts Out of the Kitchin , but the Art of Poetry , which he concludes the same with Cookery . SHV. Tut , he maintaines more heresies then that . He 'll draw the Magisterium from a minc'd-pye , And preferre Iellies , to your Iulips , Doctor ▪ ALM. I was at an Olla Podrida of his making , Was a braue piece of cookery ! at a funerall ! But opening the pot-lid , he made vs laugh , who 'had wept all day ! and sent vs such a tickling Into our nostrills , as the funerall feast Had bin a wedding-dinner . SHV. Gi 'him allowance , And that but moderate , he will make a Syren Sing i' the Kettle , send in an Arion , In a braue broth , and of a watry greene , Iust the Sea-colour , mounted on the backe Of a growne Cunger , but , in such a posture , As all the world would take him for a Dolphin . MAD. Hee 's a rare fellow , without question ! but He holds some Paradoxes . ALM. I , and Pseudodoxes . Mary , for most , he 's Orthodox i' the Kitchin. MAD. And knowes the Clergies tast ! ALM. I , and the Layties ! SHV. You thinke not o' your time , we 'll come too late , If we go not presently . MAD. Away then . SHV. Sirs , You must get o'th is newes , to store your Office , VVho dines and sups i' the towne ? where , and with whom ? 'T will be beneficiall : when you are stor'd ; And as we like our fare , we shall reward you . CLA. A hungry trade , 't will be . THO. Much like D. Humphries , But , now and then , as th' holesome prouerb saies , 'T will obsonare samem ambulando . CLA. Shut vp the Office : gentle brother Thomas . THO. Brother , Nathaniel , I ha' the wine for you . I hope to see vs , one day , Emissaries . CLA. Why not ? S'lid , I despaire not to be Master ! ACT. III. SCENE . IV. PENI-BOY . SE. BROKER . CYMBAL . HOw now ? I thinke I was borne vnder Hercules starre ! Nothing but trouble and tumult to oppresse me ? He is started with Broker's comming back . Why come you backe ? where is your charge ? BRO. I ha' brought A Gentleman to speake with you ? P. SE. To speake with me ? You know 't is death for me to speake with any man. What is he ? set me a chaire . BRO. He 's the Master Of the great Office. P. SE. What ? BRO. The Staple of Newes , A mighty thing , they talke Six thousand a yeere . P. SE. Well bring your sixe in . Where ha' you left Pecunia ? BRO. Sir , in Apollo , they are scarce set . P. SE. Bring sixe . BRO. Here is the Gentleman . P. SE. He must pardon me , I cannot rise , a diseas'd man. CYM. By no meanes , Sir , Respect your health , and ease . P. SE. It is no pride in me ! But paine , paine ; what 's your errand , Sir , to me ? Hee sends Broker backe . Broker , returne to your charge , be Argus-eyed , Awake , to the affaire you haue in hand , Serue in Apollo , but take heed of Bacchus . Goe on , Sir. CYM. I am come to speake with you . P. SE. 'T is paine for me to speake , a very death , But I will heare you ! CYM. Sir , you haue a Lady , That soiournes with you . P. SE. Ha ? He pretends infirmity . I am somewhat short In my sense too — CYM. Pecunia . P. SE. O' that side , Very imperfect , on — CYM. Whom I would draw Oftner to a poore Office , I am Master of — P. SE. My hearing is very dead , you must speake quicker . CYM. Or , if it please you , Sir , to let her soiourne In part with me ; I haue a moyety We will diuide , halfe of the profits . P. SE. Ha ? I heare you better now , how come they in ? Is it a certaine businesse , or a casuall ? For I am loth to seeke out doubtfull courses , Runne any hazardous paths , I loue streight waies , A iust , and vpright man ! now all trade totters . The trade of money , is fall'n , two i' the hundred . That was a certaine trade , while th' age was thrifty , And men good husbands , look'd vnto their stockes , Had their mindes bounded ; now the publike Riot Prostitutes all , scatters away in coaches , In foot-mens coates , and waiting womens gownes , They must haue veluet hanches ( with a pox ) Now taken vp , and yet not pay the vse ; Hee talkes vehemently and aloud . Bate of the vse ? I am mad with this times manners . CYM. You said e'en now , it was death for you to speake . P. SE. I , but an anger , a iust anger , ( as this is ) Puts life in man. Who can endure to see The fury of mens gullets , and their groines ? Is mou'd more and more . What fires , what cookes , what kitchins might be spar'd ? What Stewes , Ponds , Parks , Coupes , Garners , Magazines ? What veluets , tissues , scarfes , embroyderies ? And laces they might lacke ? They couet things — Superfluous still ; when it were much more honour They could want necessary ! What need hath Nature Of siluer dishes ? or gold chamber-pots ? Of perfum'd napkins ? or a numerous family , To see her eate ? Poore , and wise she , requires Meate onely ; Hunger is not ambitious : Say , that you were the Emperour of pleasures , The great Dictator of fashions , for all Europe , And had the pompe of all the Courts , and Kingdomes , Laid forth vnto the shew ? to make your selfe Gaz'd , and admir'd at ? You must goe to bed , And take your naturall rest : then , all this vanisheth . Your brauery was but showen ; 't was not possest : While it did boast it selfe , it was then perishing . CYM. This man has healthfull lungs . P. SE. All that excesse Appear'd as little yours , as the Spectators . It scarce fills vp the expectation Of a few houres , that entertaines mens liues . CYM. He has the monopoly of sole-speaking . He is angry . Why , good Sir ? you talke all . P. SE. Why should I not ? Is it not vnder mine owne roofe ? my feeling ? CYM. But I came hete to talk with you . P. S. Why , an'I will not Talke with you , Sir ? you are answer'd , who sent for you ? CYM. No body sent for me — P. SE. But you came , why then Goe , as you came , here 's no man holds you , There , There lies your way , you see the doore . CYM. This 's strange ! P. Se. 'T is my ciuility , when I doe not rellish The party , or his businesse . Pray you be gone , Sir. I 'll ha' no venter in your Ship , the Office Your Barke of Six , if'twere sixteene , good , Sir , CYM. You are a rogue . P. SE. I thinke I am Sir , truly . CYM. A Rascall , and a money-bawd . P. SE. My surnames : CYM. A wretched Rascall ! P. S. You will ouerflow — And spill all . CYM. Caterpiller , moath , Horse-leach , and dung-worme — P. SE. Still you lose your labor . I am a broken vessell , all runnes out : A shrunke old Dryfat . Fare you well , good Sixe . The third Intermeane after the third Act. CENSVRE . A notable tough Rascall ! this old Peny-boy ! right City-bred ! MIRTH. In Siluer-streete , the Region of money , a good seat for a Vsurer . TATLE. He has rich ingredients in him , I warrant you , if they were extracted , a true receit to make an Alderman , an' he were well wrought vpon , according to Art. EXP. I would faine see an Alderman in chimia ! that is a treatise of Aldermanity truely written . CEN. To shew how much it differs from Vrbanity . MIRTH. I , or humanity . Either would appeare in this Peny-boy , an' hee were rightly distill'd . But how like you the newes ? you are gone from that . CEN. O , they are monstrous ! scuruy ! and stale ! and too exotick ! ill cook'd ! and ill dish'd ! EXP. They were as good , yet , as butter could make them ! TAT. In a word , they were beastly buttered ! he shall neuer come o' my bread more , nor my in mouth , if I can helpe it . I haue had better newes from the bake-house , by ten thousand parts , in a morning : or the conduicts in Westminster ! all the newes of Tutle-street , and both the Alm'ries ! the two Sanctuaries ▪ long , and round Wool-staple ! with Kings-street , and Chanon-row to boot ! MIRTH. I , my Gossip Tatle knew what fine slips grew in Gardiners-lane ; who kist the Butchers wife with the Cowes-breath ; what matches were made in the bowling-Alley , and what bettes wonne and lost ; how much grieft went to the Mill and what besides : who coniur'd in Tutle-fields , and how many ? when they neuer came there . And which Boy rode vpon Doctor Lambe , in the likenesse of a roaring Lyon , that runne away with him in his teeth , and ha's not deuour'd him yet . TAT. Why , I had it from my maid Ioane Heare-say : and shee had it from a limbe o' the schoole , shee saies , a little limbe of nine yeere old ; who told her , the Master left out his coniuring booke one day , and hee found it , and so the Fable came about . But whether it were true , or no , we Gossips are bound to beleeue it , an 't be once out , and a foot : how should wee entertaine the time else , or finde our selues in fashionable discourse , for all companies , if we do not credit all , and make more of it , in the reporting ? CEN. For my part , I beleeue it : and there were no wiser then I , I would haue ne'er a cunning Schoole-Master in England . I meane a Cunning-Man , a Schoole-Master ; that is a Coniurour , or a Poet , or that had any acquaintance with a Poet. They make all their schollers Play-boyes ! Is 't not a fine sight , to see all our children made Enterluders ? Doe wee pay our money for this ? wee send them to learne their Grammar , and their Terence , and they learne their play-books ? well , they talke , we shall haue no more Parliaments ( God blesse vs ) but an'wee haue , I hope , Zeale-of-the-land Buzy , and my Gossip , Rabby Trouble-truth will start vp , and see we shall haue painfull good Ministers to keepe Schoole , and Catechise our youth , and not teach 'hem to speake Playes , and Act Fables of false newes , in this manner , to the super-uexation of Towne and Countrey , with a wanion . ACT. IIII. SCENE . I. PENY-BOY . IV. FITTON . SHVNFIELD . ALMANACK . MADRIGAL . CANTER . PICKLOCKE . COme , Gentlemen , let 's breath from healths a while . This Lickfinger has made vs a good dinner , For our Pecunia : what shal 's doe with our selues , While the women water ? and the Fidlers eat ? FIT. Let 's ieere a little . P. IV. Ieere ? what 's that ? SHV. Expect , Sr. ALM. We first begin with our selues , & then at you , SHV. A game we vse . MAD. We ieere all kind of persons We meete withall , of any rancke or quality , And if we cannot ieere them , we ieere our selues . P. CA. A pretty sweete society ! and a gratefull ! PIC. 'Pray let 's see some . SHV. Haue at you , then Lawyer . They say , there was one of your coate in Bet'lem , lately , ALM. I wonder all his Clients were not there . MAD. They were the madder sort . PIC. Except , Sir , one Like you , and he made verses . FIT. Madrigall , A ieere . MAD. I know . SHV. But what did you doe , Lawyer ? When you made loue to Mistresse Band , at dinner . MAD. Why ? of an Aduocate , he grew the Clyent . P. IV. Well play'd , my Poet. MAD. And shew'd the Law of nature Was there aboue the Common-Law . SHV. Quit , quit , P. IV. Call you this ieering ? I can play at this , 'T is like a Ball at Tennis . FIT. Very like , But we were not well in . ALM. 'T is indeed , Sir. When we doe speake at volley , all the ill We can one of another . SHV. As this morning , ( I would you had heard vs ) of the Rogue your Vncle. ALM That Mony-bawd . MAD. We call'd him a Coat-card O' the last order . P. IV. What 's that ? a Knaue ? MAD. Some readings haue it so , my manuscript Doth speake it , ●arlet . P. CA. And your selfe a Foole O' the first ranke , and one shall haue the leading O' the right-hand file , vnder this braue Commander . P. IV. What saist thou , Canter ? P. CA. Sir , I say this is A very wholesome exercise , and comely . Like Lepers , shewing one another their scabs . Or flies feeding on vlcers . P. IV. What Newes Gentlemen ? Ha' you any newes for after dinner ? me thinks We should not spend our time vnprofitably . P. CA. They neuer lie , Sir , betweene meales , 'gainst supper You may haue a Bale or two brought in . FIT. This Canter , Is an old enuious Knaue ! ALM. A very Rascall ! FIT. I ha' mark'd him all this meale , he has done nothing But mocke , with scuruy faces , all wee said . ALM. A supercilious Rogue ! he lookes as if He were the Patrico — MAD. Or Arch-priest o' Canters , SHV. Hee 's some primate metropolitan Rascall , Our shot-clog makes so much of him . ALM The Law , And he does gouerne him P. IV. What say you , Gentlemen ? FIT. We say , we wonder not , your man o' Law , Should be so gracious wi' you ; but how it comes , This Rogue , this Canter ! P. IV. O , good words . FIT. A fellow That speakes no language — ALM. But what gingling Gipsies , And Pedlers trade in — FIT. And no honest Christian Can vnderstand — P. CA. Why ? by that argument , You all are Canters , you , and you , and you , All the whole world are Canters , I will proue it In your professions . P. IV. I would faine heare this , But stay , my Princesse comes , prouide the while , I 'll call for 't anone . How fares your Grace ? ACT. IIII. SCENE . II. LICKFINGER . PECVNIA . STATVTE-BAND . VVAXE . to them . I hope the fare was good . PEC. Yes , Lickfinger , And we shall thanke you for 't and reward you . MAD. Nay , I 'll not lose my argument , Lickfinger ; Before these Gentlemen , I affirme , The perfect , and true straine of poetry , Is rather to be giuen the quicke Celler , Then the fat Kitchin. LIC. Heretique , I see Thou art for the vaine Oracle of the Botle . The hogshead , Trismegistus , is thy Pegasus . Thence flowes thy Muses spring , from that hard hoofe : Seduced Poet , I doe say to thee , A Boyler , Range , and Dresser were the Fountaines , Of all the knowledge in the vniuerse . And they ' are the Kitchins , where the Master-Cooke — ( Thou dost not know the man , nor canst thou know him , Till thou hast seru'd some yeeres in that deepe schoole , That 's both the Nurse and Mother of the Arts , And hear'st him read , interpret , and demonstrate ! ) A Master-Cooke ! Why , he 's the man o' men , For a Professor ! he designes , he drawes , He paints , he carues , he builds , he fortifies , Makes Citadels of curious fowle and fish , Some he dri-dishes , some motes round with broths . Mounts marrowbones , cuts fifty angled custards , Reares bulwark pies , and for his outerworkes He raiseth Ramparts of immortall crust ; And teacheth all the Tacticks , at one dinner : What Rankes , what Files , to put his dishes in ; The whole Art Military . Then he knowes , The influence of the Starres vpon his meats , And all their seasons , tempers , qualities , And so to fit his relishes , and sauces , He has Nature in a pot , ' boue all the Chymists , Or airy brethren of the Rosie-crosse . He is an Architect , an Inginer , A Souldiour , a Physician , a Philosopher , A generall Mathematician . MAD. It is granted . LIC. And that you may not doubt him , for a Poet — ALM. This fury shewes , if there were nothing else ! And 't is diuine ! I shall for euer hereafter , Admire the wisedome of a Cooke ! BAN. And we , Sir ! P. IV. O , how my Princesse drawes me , with her lookes , Peny-boy is courting his Princesse all the while . And hales me in , as eddies draw in boats , Or strong Charybdis ships , that saile too neere The shelues of Loue ! The tydes of your two eyes ! Wind of your breath , are such as sucke in all , That doe approach you ! PEC. Who hath chang'd my seruant ? P. IV. Your selfe , who drinke my blood vp with your beames ; As doth the Sunne , the Sea ! Pecunia shines More in the world then he : and makes it Spring Where e'r she fauours ! ' please her but to show Her melting wrests , or bare her yuorie hands , She catches still ! her smiles they are Loue 's fetters ! Her brests his apples ! her teats Stawberries ! Where Cupid ( were he present now ) would cry Fare well my mothers milke , here 's sweeter Nectar ! Helpe me to praise Pecunia , Gentlemen : She 's your Princesse , lend your wits , FIT. A Lady , The Graces taught to moue ! ALM. The Floures did nurse ! FIT. Whose lips are the instructions of all Louers ! ALM. Her eyes their lights , and riualls to the Starres ! FIT. A voyce , as if that Harmony still spake ! ALM. And polish'd skinne , whiter then Venus foote ! FIT. Young Hebes necke , or Iunoe's armes ! ALM. A haire , Large as the Mornings , and her breath as sweete , As meddowes after raine , and but new mowne ! FIT. Laeda might yeeld vnto her , for a face ! ALM. Hermione for brests ! FIT. Flora , for cheekes ! ALM. And Helen for a mouth ! P. IV. Kisse , kisse 'hem , Princesse . She kisseth them . FIT. The pearle doth striue in whitenesse , with her necke , ALM. But loseth by it : here the Snow thawes Snow ; One frost resolues another ! FIT. O , she has A front too slippery to be look't vpon ! ALM. And glances that beguile the seers eyes ! P. IV. Kisse , kisse againe , what saies my man o' warre ? Againe . SHV. I say , she 's more , then Fame can promise of her . A Theame , that 's ouercome with her owne matter ! Praise is strucke blind , and deafe , and dumbe with her ! Shee doth astonish Commendation ! P. IV. Well pumpt i'faith old Sailor : kisse him too : Though he be a slugge . What saies my Poet-sucker ! She kisseth Captaine Shunfield . He 's chewing his Muses cudde , I doe see by him . MAD. I haue almost done , I want but e'ne to finish . FIT. That 's the ' ill luck of all his workes still . P. IV. What ? FIT. To beginne many works , but finish none ; P. IV. How does he do his Mistresse work ? FIT. Imperfect . ALM. I cannot thinke he finisheth that . P. IV. Let 's heare ▪ MAD. It is a Madrigall , I affect that kind Of Poem , much . P. IV. And thence you ha' the name . FIT. It is his Rose . He can make nothing else MAD. I made it to the tune the Fidlers play'd , That we all lik'd so well . P. IV. Good , read it , read it . MAD. The Sunne is father of all mettalls , you know , Siluer , and gold . P. IV. I , leaue your Prologues , say ! SONG . MADRIGAL . As bright as is the Sunne her Sire , Or Earth her mother , in her best atyre , Or Mint , the Mid-wife , with her sire , Comes forth her Grace ! The splendour of the wealthiest Mines ! The stamp , and strength of all imperiall lines , Both maiesty and beauty shines , In her sweet face ! Looke how a Torch , of Taper light , Or of that Torches flame , a Beacon bright ; P. IV. That Mint the Midwife does well . FIT. That 's fairely said of Money . P. IV. Good ! MAD. Now there , I want a line to finish , Sir. P. IV. Or of that Beacons fire , Moone-light : MAD. So takes she place ! FIT. 'T is good . And then I ' haue a Saraband — She makes good cheare , she keepes full boards , She holds a Faire of Knights , and Lords , A Mercat of all Offices , And Shops of honour , more or lesse . According to Pecunia's Grace , The Bride hath beauty , blood , and place , The Bridegrome vertue , valour , wit , And wisedome , as he stands for it . PIC. Call in the Fidlers . Nicke , the boy shall sing it , Sweet Princesse , kisse him , kisse 'hem all , deare Madame , And at the close , vouchsafe to call them Cousins . PEC. Sweet Cousin Madrigall , and Cousin Fitton , My Cousin Shunfield , and my learned Cousin . P. CA. Al-manach , though they call him Almanack . P. IV. Why , here 's the Prodigall prostitutes his Mistresse ! P·IV. And Picklocke , he must be a kinsman too . My man o' Law will teach vs all to winne , And keepe our owne . Old Founder . P. CA. Nothing , I Sir ? I am a wretch , a begger . She the fortunate . Can want no kindred , wee , the poore know none . FIT. Nor none shall know , by my consent . ALM. Nor mine , P. IV. Sing , boy , stand here . P. CA. Look , look , The boy sings the song . how all their eyes Dance i' their heads ( obserue ) scatter'd with lust ! At sight o' their braue Idoll ! how they are tickl'd , With a light ayre ! the bawdy Saraband ! They are a kinde of dancing engines all ! And set , by nature , thus , to runne alone To euery sound ! All things within , withou them , Moue , but their braine , and that stands still ! mere monsters Here , in a chamber , of most subtill feet ! And make their legs in tune , passing the streetes ! These are the gallant spirits o' the age ! The miracles o' the time ! that can cry vp And downe mens wits ! and set what rate on things Their half-brain'd fancies please ! Now pox vpon 'hem . See how solicitously he learnes the Iigge , As if it were a mystery of his faith ! SHV. A dainty ditty ! FIT. O , hee 's a dainty Poet ! When he sets to 't ! P. IV. And a dainty Scholler ! They are all struck with admiration . ALM. No , no great scholler , he writes like a Gentleman . SHV. Pox o' your Scholler . P. CA. Pox o' your distinction ! As if a Scholler were no Gentleman . With these , to write like a Gentleman , will in time Become , all one , as to write like an Asse , These Gentlemen ? these Rascalls ! I am sicke Of indignation at ' hem . P. IV. How doe you lik't , Sir ? FIT. 'T is excellent ! ALM. 'T was excellently sung ! FIT. A dainty Ayre ! P. IV. What saies my Lickfinger ? LIC. I am telling Mistresse Band , and Mistresse Statute , What a braue Gentleman you are , and Waxe , here ! How much 't were better , that my Ladies Grace , Would here take vp Sir , and keepe house with you . P. IV. What say they ? STA. We could consent , Sr , willingly . BAND . I , if we knew her Grace had the least liking . WAX. We must obey her Graces will , and pleasure . P. IV. I thanke you , Gentlewomen , ply 'hem , Lickfinger . Giue mother Mortgage , there — LIC. Her doze of Sacke . I haue it for her , and her distance of Hum. PEC. Indeede therein , I must confesse , deare Cousin , The Gallants are all about Pecunia . I am a most vnfortunate Princesse . ALM. And You still will be so , when your Grace may helpe it . MAD. who 'ld lie in a roome , with a close-stoole , and garlick ? And kennell with his dogges ? that had a Prince Like this young Peny-boy , to soiourne with ? SHV. He 'll let you ha' your liberty — ALM. Goe forth , Whither you please , and to what company — MAD. Scatter your selfe amongst vs — P. IV. Hope of Pernassus ! Thy Iuy shall not wither , nor thy Bayes , Thou shalt be had into her Graces Cellar , And there know Sacke , and Claret , all December , Thy veine is rich , and we must cherish it . Poets and Bees swarme now adaies , but yet There are not those good Tauernes , for the one sort , As there are Flowrie fields to feed the other . Though Bees be pleas'd with dew , aske little Waxe That brings the honey to her Ladyes hiue : The Poet must haue wine . And he shall haue it . ACT. IIII. SCENE . IIJ. PENI-BOY . SE. PENY-BOY . IV. LICKFINGER . &c. BRoker ? what Broker ? P. IV. Who 's that ? my Vncle ! P. SE. I am abus'd , where is my Knaue ? my Broker ? LIC. Your Broker is laid out vpon a bench , yonder , Sacke hath seaz'd on him , in the shape of sleepe . PIC. Hee hath beene dead to vs almost this houre . P. SE This houre ? P. CA. Why sigh you Sr ? 'cause he 's at rest ? P. SE. It breeds my vnrest . LIC. Will you take a cup He strikes the Sacke out of his hand . And try if you can sleepe ? P. SE. No , cogging Iacke , Thou and thy cups too , perish . SHV. O , the Sacke ! MAD. The sacke , the sacke ! P. CA. A Madrigall on Sacke ! PIC. Or rather an Elegy , for the Sacke is gone . PEC. VVhy doe you this , Sir ? spill the wine , and raue ? For Brokers sleeping ? P. SE. VVhat through sleepe , and Sacke , My trust is wrong'd : but I am still awake , To waite vpon your Grace , please you to quit This strange lewd company , they are not for you . PEC. No Guardian , I doe like them very well . P. SE Your Graces pleasure be obseru'd , but you Statute , and Band , and Waxe , will goe with me . SAT. Truly we will not . BAN. VVe will stay , and wait here Vpon her Grace , and this your Noble Kinsman . P. SE. Noble ? how noble ! who hath made him noble ? P. IV. VVhy , my most noble money hath , or shall ▪ My Princesse , here . She that had you but kept , And treated kindly , would haue made you noble , And wise , too : nay , perhaps haue done that for you , An Act of Parliament could not , made you honest . The truth is , Vncle , that her Grace dislikes Her entertainment : specially her lodging . PEC. Nay , say her iaile . Neuer vnfortunate Princesse , Was vs'd so by a Iaylor . Aske my women , Band , you can tell , and Statute , how he has vs'd me , Kept me close prisoner , vnder twenty bolts — STA. And forty padlocks — BAN. All malicious ingines A wicked Smith could forge out of his yron : As locks , and keyes , shacles , and manacles , To torture a great Lady . STA. H' has abus'd Your Graces body . PEC. No , he would ha' done , That lay not in his power : he had the vse Of our bodies , Band , and Waxe , and sometimes Statutes : But once he would ha'smother'd me in a chest , And strangl'd me in leather , but that you Came to my rescue , then , and gaue mee ayre . STA. For which he cramb'd vs vp in a close boxe , All three together , where we saw no Sunne In one sixe moneths . WAX. A cruell man he is ! BAN. H' has left my fellow Waxe out , i' the cold , STA. Till she was stiffe , as any frost , and crumbl'd Away to dust , and almost lost her forme . WAX. Much adoe to recouer me . P. SE. Women Ieerers ! Haue you learn'd too , the subtill facultie ? Come , I 'll shew you the way home , if drinke , Or , too full diet haue disguis'd you . BAN. Troth , We haue not any mind , Sir , of returne — STA. To be bound back to backe . — BAN. And haue our legs Turn'd in , or writh'd about — WAX. Or else display'd — STA. Be lodg'd with dust and fleas , as we were wont — BAN. And dyeted with dogs dung . P. SE. Why ? you whores , My bawds , my instruments , what should I call you , Man may thinke base inough for you ? P. IV. Heare you , vncle . I must not heare this of my Princesse seruants , And in Apollo , in Pecunia's roome , Goe , get you downe the staires : Home , to your Kennell , As swiftly as you can . Consult your dogges , The Lares of your family ; or beleeue it , The fury of a foote-man , and a drawer Hangs ouer you . SHV. Cudgell , and pot doe threaten A kinde of vengeance . MAD. Barbers are at hand . ALM. Washing and shauing will ensue . FIT. The Pumpe They all threaten , Is not farre off ; If 't were , the sinke is neere : Or a good Iordan . MAD. You haue now no money , SHV. But are a Rascall . P. SE. I am cheated , robb'd Ieer'd by confederacy . FIT. No , you are kick'd And vsed kindly , as you should be . SHV. Spurn'd , And spurne him . From all commerce of men , who are a curre . ALM. A stinking dogge , in a dublet , with foule linnen . MAD. A snarling Rascall , hence . SHV. Out . P. SE. Wel , remember , I am coozen'd by my Cousin , and his whore ! Bane o'these meetings in Apollo ! LIC. Goe , Sir , You will be tost like Block , in a blanket else . P. IV. Downe with him , Lickfinger . P. SE. Saucy Iacke away , Pecunia is a whore . P. IV. Play him downe , Fidlers , And drown his noise . Who 's this ! FIT. O Master Pyed-mantle ! ACT. IIIJ. SCENE . IV. PYED-MANTLE . to them . Pyed-mantle brings the Lady Pecunia her pedigree . BY your leaue , Gentlemen . FIT. Her Graces Herald , ALM. No Herald yet , a Heraldet . P. IV. What 's that ? P. CA. A Canter . P. IV. O , thou said'st thou 'dst sprone vs all so ! P. CA. Sir , here is one will proue himselfe so , streight , So shall the rest , in time . PEC. My Pedigree ? I tell you , friend , he must be a good Scholler , Can my discent . I am of Princely race , And as good blood , as any is i' the mines , Runnes through my veines . I am , euery limb , a Princesse ! Dutchesse o' mynes , was my great Grandmother . And by the Fathers side , I come from Sol. My Grand-father was Duke of Or , and match'd In the blood-royall of Ophyr . PYE. Here 's his Coat . PEC. I know it , if I heare the Blazon . PYE. He beares In a field Azure , a Sunne proper , beamy , Twelue of the second . P. CA. How farr 's this from canting ? P. IV. Her Grace doth vnderstand ti . P. CA. She can cant , S ● . PEC. What be these ? Besants ? PYE. Yes , an 't please your Grace . PEC. That is our Coat too , as we come from Or. What line 's this ? PYE. The rich mynes of Potosi . The Spanish mynes i' the West-Indies . PEC. This ? PYE. The mynes o' Hungary , this of Barbary . PEC. But this , this little branch . PEC. The Welsh-myne that . PEC. I ha' Welsh-blood in me too , blaze , Sir , that Coat . PYE. She beares ( an 't please you ) Argent , three leekes vert In Canton Or , and tassel'd of the first . P. CA. Is not this canting ? doe you vnderstand him ? P. IV. Not I , but it sounds well , and the whole thing Is rarely painted , I will haue such a scrowle , What ere it cost me . PEC. VVell , at better leasure , We 'll take a view of it , and so reward you . P. IV. Kisse him , sweet Princesse , and stile him a Cousin . She kisseth . PEC. I will , if you will haue it . Cousin Pyed-mantle . P. IV. I loue all men of vertue , from my Princesse , Vnto my begger , here , old Canter , on , On to thy proofe , whom proue you the next Canter ? P. CA. The Doctor here , I will proceed with the learned . VVhen he discourseth of dissection , Or any point of Anatomy : that hee tells you , Of Vena caua , and of vena porta , The Meseraicks , and the Mesenterium . VVhat does hee else but cant ? Or if he runne To his Iudiciall Astrologie , And trowle the Trine , the Quartile and the Sextile , Platicke aspect , and Partile , with his Hyleg Or Alchochoden , Cuspes , and Horroscope . Does not he cant ? VVho here does vnderstand him ? ALM. This is no Canter , tho ! P. CA. Or when my Muster-Master Talkes of his Tacticks , and his Rankes , and Files ; His Bringers vp , his Leaders on , and cries , Faces about to the right hand , the left , Now , as you were : then tells you of Redoubts , Of Cats , and Cortines . Doth not he cant ? P. IV. Yes , ' faith . P. CA. My Eg-chind Laureat , here , when he comes forth With Dimeters , and Trimeters , Tetrameters , Pentameters , Hexameters , Catalecticks , His Hyper , and his Brachy-Catalecticks , His Pyrrhichs , Epitrites , and Choriambicks . What is all this , but canting ? MAD. A rare fellow ! SHV. Some begging Scholler ! FIT. A decay'd Doctor at least ! P. IV. Nay , I doe cherish vertue , though in rags . P. CA. And you , Mas Courtier . P. IV. Now he treats of you , Stand forth to him , faire . P. CA. With all your fly-blowne proiects , And lookes out of the politicks , your shut-faces , And reseru'd Questions , and Answers that you game with , As Is 't a Cleare businesse ? will it mannage well ? My name must not be vs'd else . Here , 't will dash . Your businesse has receiu'd a taint , giue off , I may not prostitute my selfe . Tut , tut , That little dust I can blow off , at pleasure . Here 's no such mountaine , yet , i' the whole worke ! But a light purse may leuell . I will tyde This affayre for you ; giue it freight , and passage . And such mynt-phrase , as 't is the worst of canting , By how much it affects the sense , it has not . FIT. This is some other then he seemes ! P. IV. How like you him ? FIT. This cannot be a Canter ! P. IV. But he is , Sir , And shall be still , and so shall you be too : We 'll all be Canters . Now , I thinke of it , A noble Whimsie 's come into my braine ! I 'll build a Colledge , I , and my Pecunia , And call it Canters Colledge , sounds it well ? ALM. Excellent ! P. IV. And here stands my Father Rector , And you Professors , you shall all professe Something , and liue there , with her Grace and me , Your Founders : I 'll endow 't with lands , and meanes , And Lickfinger shall be my Master-Cooke . What ? is he gone ? P. CA. And a Professor . P. IV. Yes . P. CA. And read Apicius de reculinaria To your braue Doxie , and you ! P. IV. You , Cousin Fitton , Shall ( as a Courtier ) read the politicks ; Doctor Al-manack , hee shall read Astrology , Shunfield shall read the Military Arts. P. CA. As caruing , and assaulting the cold custard . P. IV. And Horace here , the Art of Poetry . His Lyricks , and his Madrigalls , fine Songs , Which we will haue at dinner , steept in claret , And against supper , sowc't in sacke . MAD. In troth A diuine Whimsey ! SHV. And a worthy worke , Fit for a Chronicle ! P. IV. Is 't not ? SHV. To all ages . P. IV. And Pyed-mantle , shall giue vs all our Armes , But Picklocke , what wouldst thou be ? Thou canst cant too . PIC. In all the languages in Westminster-Hall , Fleas , Bench , or Chancery . Fee-Farme , Fee-Tayle , Tennant in dower , At will , For Terme of life , By Copy of Court Roll , Knights seruice , Homage , Fealty , Escuage , Soccage , or Frank almoigne , Grand Sergeanty , or B●rgage . P. IV. Thou appear'st , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 a Canter . Thou shalt read All Littletons tenures to me , and indeed All my Conueyances . PIC. And make 'hem too , Sir ? Keepe all your Courts , be Steward o' your lands , Let all your Leases , keepe your Euidences , But first , I must procure , and passe your mort-maine You must haue licence from aboue , Sir. P. IV. Feare not , Pecunia's friends shall doe it . P. CA. But I shall stop it . Your worships louing , and obedient father , Your painefull Steward , and lost Officer ! Here his father discouers himselfe . Who haue done this , to try how you would vse Pecunia , when you had her : which since I see , I will take home the Lady , to my charge , And these her seruants , and leaue you my Cloak , To trauell in to Beggers Bush ! A Seate , Is built already , furnish'd too , worth twentie Of your imagin'd structures , Canters Colledge . FIT. 'T is his Father ! MAD. Hee 's aliue , me thinks . ALM. I knew he was no Rogue ! P. CA. Thou , Prodigall , Was I so carefull for thee , to procure , And plot wi' my learn'd Counsell , Master Picklocke , This noble match for thee , and dost thou prostitute , Scatter thy Mistresse fauours , throw away Her bounties , as they were red-burning coales , Too hot for thee to handle , on such rascalls ? Who are the scumme , and excrements of men ? If thou had'st sought out good , and vertuous persons Of these professions : I 'had lou'd thee , and them . For these shall neuer haue that plea 'gainst me , Or colour of aduantage , that I hate Their callings , but their manners , and their vices . A worthy Courtier , is the ornament Of a Kings Palace , his great Masters honour . This is a moth , a rascall , a Court-rat , That gnawes the common-wealth with broking suits , And eating grieuances ! So , a true Souldier , He is his Countryes strength , his Soueraignes safety , And to secure his peace , he makes himselfe . The heyre of danger , nay the subiect of it , And runnes those vertuous hazards , that this Scarre-crow Cannot endure to heare of . SHV. You are pleasant , Sir. P. CA. With you I dare be ! Here is Pyed-mantle , 'Cause he 's an Asse , doe not I loue a Herald ? Who is the pure preseruer of descents , The keeper faire of all Nobility , Without which all would runne into confusion ? Were he a learned Herald , I would tell him He can giue Armes , and markes , he cannot honour , No more then money can make Noble : It may Giue place , and ranke , but it can giue no Vertue . And he would thanke me , for this truth . This dog-Leach , You stile him Doctor , 'cause he can compile An Almanack ; perhaps erect a Scheme For my great Madame monkey : when 't has ta'ne A glister , and bewrai'd the Ephemerides . Doe I despise a learn'd Physician ? In calling him a Quack-Saluer ? or blast The euer-liuing ghirl●nd , alwaies greene Of a good Poet ? when I say his wreath Is piec'd and patch'd of dirty witherd flowers ? Away , I am impatient of these vlcers , ( That I not call you worse ) There is no sore , Or Plague but you to infect the times . I abhorre Your very scent . Come , Lady , since my Prodigall Knew not to entertaine you to your worth , I 'll see if I haue learn'd , how to receiue you , Hee points him to his patch'd cloake throwne off . With more respect to you , and your faire traine here . Farewell my Begger in veluet , for to day , To morrow you may put on that graue Robe , And enter your great worke of Canters Colledge , Your worke and worthy of a Chronicle , The fourth Intermeane after the fourth Act. TATLE. Why ? This was the worst of all ! the Catastrophe ! CEN. The matter began to be good , but now : and he has spoyl'd it all , with his Begger there ! MIRT. A beggerly Iacke it is , I warrant him , and a kin to the Poet. TAT. Like enough , for hee had the chiefest part in his play , if you marke it . EXP. Absurdity on him , for a huge ouergrowne Play-maker ! why should he make him liue againe , when they , and we all thought him dead ? If he had left him to his ragges , there had beene an end of him . TAT. I , but set a beggar on horse-backe , hee 'll neuer linne till hee be a gallop . CEN. The young heyre grew a fine Gentleman , in this last Act ! EXP. So he did , Gossip : and kept the best company . CEN. And feasted 'hem , and his Mistresse ! TAT. And shew'd her to 'hem all ! was not iealous ! MIRTH. But very communicatiue , and liberall , and beganne to be magnificent , if the churle his father would haue let him alone . CEN. It was spitefully done o' the Poet , to make the Chuffe take him off in his heighth , when he was going to doe all his braue deedes ! EXP. To found an Academy ! TAT. Erect a Colledge ! EXP. Plant his Professors , and water his Lectures . MIRTH. With wine , gossips , as he meant to doe , and then to defraud his purposes ? EXP. Kill the hopes of so many towardly young spirits ? TAT. As the Doctors ? CEN. And the Courtiers ! I protest , I was in loue with Master Fitton . He did weare all he had , from the hat-band , to the shooe-tye , so politically , and would stoop , and leere ? MIRTH. And lie so , in waite for a piece of wit , like a Mouse-trap ? EXP. Indeed Gossip , so would the little Doctor , all his behauiour was meere glister ! O' my conscience , hee would make any parties physicke i' the world worke , with his discourse . MIR. I wonder they would suffer it , a foolish old fornicating Father , to rauish away his sonnes Mistresse . CEN. And all her women , at once , as hee did ! TAT. I would ha' flyen in his gypsies face i'faith . MIRTH. It was a plaine piece of politicall incest , and worthy to be brought afore the high Commission of wit. Suppose we were to censure him , you are the youngest voyce , Gossip Tatle , beginne . TATLE. Mary , I would ha' the old conicatcher coozen'd of all he has , i' the young heyres defence , by his learn'd Counsell , Mr Picklocke ! CENSVRE . I would rather the Courtier had found out some tricke to begge him , from his estate ! EXP. Or the Captaine had courage enough to beat him . CEN. Or the fine Madrigall-man , in rime , to haue runne him out o' the Countrey , like an Irish rat . TAT. No , I would haue Master Pyed-mantle , her Graces Herald , to pluck downe his hatchments , reuerse his coat-armour , and nullifie him for no Gentleman . EXP. Nay , then let Master Doctor dissect him , haue him open'd , and his tripes translated to Lickfinger , to make a probation dish of . CEN. TAT. Agreed ! Agreed ! MIRTH. Faith I would haue him flat disinherited , by a decree of Court , bound to make restitution of the Lady Pecunia , and the vse of her body to his sonne . EXP. And her traine , to the Gentlemen . CEN. And both the Poet , and himselfe , to aske them all forgiuenesse ! TAT. And vs too ▪ CEN. In two large sheetes of paper — EXP. Or to stand in a skin of parchment , ( which the Court please ) CEN. And those fill'd with newes ! MIRTH. And dedicated to the sustaining of the Staple ! EXP. Which their Poet hath let fall , most abruptly ? MIRTH. Banckruptly , indeede ! CEN. You say wittily , Gossip , and therefore let a protest goe out against him . MIR. A mourniuall of protests ; or a gleeke at least ! EXP. In all our names : CEN. For a decay'd wit — EXP. Broken — TAT. Non-soluent — CENSVRE . And , for euer , forfet — MIRTH. To scorne , of Mirth ? CEN. Censure ! EXP. Expectation ! TAT. Subsign'd . Tatle , Stay , they come againe . ACT. V. SCENE . I. PENY-BOY . IV. to him THO. BARBER . after , PICKLOCKE . Hee comes out in the patchd cloak his father left him . NAy , they are fit , as they had been made for me , And I am now a thing , worth looking at ! The same , I said I would be in the morning . No Rogue , at a Comitia of the Canters , Did euer there become his Parents Robes Better , then I do these : great foole ! and begger ! Why doe not all that are of those societies , Come forth , and gratulate mee one of theirs ? Me thinkes , I should be , on euery side , saluted , Dauphin of beggers ! Prince of Prodigalls ! That haue so fall'n vnder the eares , and eyes , And tongues of all , the fable o' the time , Matter of scorne , and marke of reprehension ! I now begin to see my vanity , Shine in this Glasse , reflected by the foile ! Where is my Fashioner ? my Feather-man ? My Linnener ? Perfumer ? Barber ? all ? That tayle of Riot , follow'd me this morning ? Not one ! but a darke solitude about mee , Worthy my cloake , and patches ; as I had The epidemicall disease vpon mee : And I 'll sit downe with it . THO. My Master ! Maker ! How doe you ? Why doe you sit thus o' the ground , Sir ? Heare you the newes ? P. IV. No , nor I care to heare none . Would I could here sit still , and slip away The other one and twenty , to haue this Forgotten , and the day rac'd out , expung'd , In euery Ephemerides , or Almanack . Or if it must be in , that Time and Nature Haue decree'd ; still , let it be a day Of tickling Prodigalls , about the gills ; Deluding gaping heires , loosing their loues , And their discretions ; falling from the fauours Of their best friends , and parents ; their owne hopes ; And entring the society of Canters . THO. A dolefull day it is , and dismall times Are come vpon vs : I am cleare vndone . P. IV. How , Thom ? THO. Why ? broke ! broke ! wretchedly broke ! P. IV. Ha! THO. Our Staple is all to pieces , quite dissolu'd ! P. IV. Ha! THO. Shiuer'd , as in an earth-quake ! heard you not The cracke and ruines ? we are all blowne vp ! Soone as they heard th' Infanta was got from them , Whom they had so deuoured i' their hopes , To be their Patronesse , and soiourne with 'hem ; Our Emissaries , Register , Examiner , Flew into vapor : our graue Gouernour Into a subt'ler ayre ; and is return'd ( As we doe heare ) grand - Captaine of the Ieerers . I , and my fellow melted into butter , And spoyl'd our Inke , and so the Office vanish'd . The last hum that it made , was , that your Father , And Picklocke are fall'n out , the man o' Law. Hee starts vp at this . P. IV. How ? this awakes me from my lethargy . THO. And a great suite , is like to be betweene 'hem , Picklocke denies the Feofement , and the Trust , ( Your Father saies ) he made of the whole estate , Vnto him , as respecting his mortalitie , When he first laid this late deuice , to try you . P. IV. Has Picklock then a trust ? THO. I cannot tell , Here comes the worshipfull — PIC. What ? my veluet - heyre , Picklocke enters . Turn'd begger in minde , as robes ? P. IV. You see what case , Your , and my Fathers plots haue brought me to . P. C. Your Fathers , you may say , indeed , not mine . Hee 's a hard hearted Gentleman ! I am sorie To see his rigid resolution ! That any man should so put off affection , And humane nature , to destroy his owne ! And triumph in a victory so cruell ! He 's fall'n out with mee , for being yours , And calls me Knaue , and Traytors to his Trust , Saies he will haue me throwne ouer the Barre — P. IV. Ha'you deseru'd it ? PIC. O , good heauen knowes My conscience , and the silly latitude of it ! A narrow minded man ! my thoughts doe dwell All in a Lane , or line indeed ; No turning , Nor scarce obliquitie in them . I still looke Right forward to th' intent , and scope of that Which he would go from now . P. IV. Had you a Trust , then ? PIC. Sir , I had somewhat , will keepe you still Lord Of all the estate , ( if I be honest ) as I hope I shall . My tender scrupulous brest Will not permit me see the heyre defrauded , And like an Alyen , thrust out of the blood , The Lawes forbid that I should giue consent , To such a ciuill slaughter of a Sonne . P. IV. Where is the deed ? hast thou it with thee ? PIC. No , It is a thing of greater consequence , Then to be borne about in a blacke boxe , Like a Low-countrey vorloffe , or Welsh-briefe . It is at Lickfingers , vnder locke and key . P. IV. O , fetch it hither . PIC. I haue bid him bring it , That you might see it . P. IV. Knowes he what brings ? PIC. No more then a Gardiners Asse , what roots he carries , P. IV. I was a sending my Father , like an Asse , A penitent Epistle , but I am glad I did not , now . PIC. Hang him , an austere grape , That has no iuice , but what is veriuice in him . P. IV. I 'll shew you my letter ! P●C . Shew me a defiance ! Peny-boy runnes out to fetch his letter . If I can now commit Father , and Sonne , And make my profits out of both . Commence A suite with the old man , for his whole state , And goe to Law with the Sonnes credit , vndoe Both , both with their owne money , it were a piece Worthy my night-cap , and the Gowne I weare , A Picklockes name in Law. Where are you Sir ? What doe you doe so long ? P. IV. I cannot find Where I haue laid it , but I haue laid it safe . PIC No matter , Sir , trust you vnto my Trust , 'T is that that shall secure you , an absolute deed ! And I confesse , it was in Trust , for you , Lest any thing might haue hapned mortall to him : But there must be a gratitude thought on , And aid , Sir , for the charges of the suite , Which will be great , 'gainst such a mighty man , As is our Father , and a man possest Of so much Land , Pecunia and her friends . I am not able to wage Law with him , Yet must maintaine the thing , as mine owne right , Still for your good , and therefore must be bold To vse your credit for monies . P. IV. What thou wilt , So wee be safe , and the Trust beare it . PIC. Feare not , 'T is hee must pay arrerages in the end . Wee 'l milke him , and Pecunia , draw their creame downe , Before he get the deed into his hands . My name is Picklocke , but hee●ll finde me a Padlocke . ACT. V. SCENE . II. PENY-BOY . CAN. PENY-BOY . IV. PICKLOCK . THO. BARBAR . HOw now ? conferring wi'your learned Counsell , Vpo ' the Cheat ? Are you o' the plot to coozen mee ? P. IV. What plot ? P. ●● . Your Counsell knowes there , Mr Picklock , Will you restore the Trust yet ? PIC. Sir , take patience . And memory vnto you , and bethinke you , What Trust ? where dost appeare ? I haue your Deed , Doth your Deed specifie any Trust ? Is 't not A perfect Act ? and absolute in Law ? Seal'd and deliuer'd before witnesses ? The day and date , emergent . P. CA. But what conference ? What othes , and vowes preceded ? PIC. I will tell you , Sir , Since I am vrg'd of those , as I remember , You told me you had got a growen estate , By griping meanes , sinisterly . ( P. CA. How ! ) PIC. And were Eu'n weary of it ; if the parties liued , From whom you had wrested it — ( P. CA. Ha! ) PIC. You could be glad , To part with all , for satisfaction : But since they 'had yeelded to humanity , And that iust heauen had sent you , for a punishment ( You did acknowledge it ) this riotous heyre , That would bring all to beggery in the end , And daily sow'd consumption , where he went — P. CA. You'old coozen both , then ? your Confederate , too ? PIC. After a long , mature deliberation , You could not thinke , where , better , how to place it — P. CA. Then on you , Rascall ? PIC. What you please i' your passion , But with your reason , you will come about And thinke a faithfull , and a frugall friend To be preferr'd . P. CA. Before a Sonne ? PIC. A Prodigall , A tubbe without a bottome , as you term'd him ; For which , I might returne you a vow , or two , And seale it with an oath of thankfulnesse , I not repent it , neither haue I cause , Yet — P. CA. Fore-head of steele , and mouth of brasse ! hath impudence Polish'd so grosse a lie , and dar'st thou vent it ? Engine , compos'd of all mixt mettalls ! hence , I will not change a syllab , with thee , more , Till I may meet thee , at a Barre in Court , Before thy Iudges . PIC. Thither it must come , Before I part with it , to you , or you , Sir. P. CA. His Son entreats him . I will not heare thee . P. IV. Sir , your eare to mee , though . Not that I see through his perplexed plots , And hidden ends , nor that my parts depend Vpon the vnwinding this so knotted skeane , Doe I beseech your patience . Vnto mee He hath confest the trust . PIC. How ? I confesse it ? P. IV. I thou , false man. P. ●● . Stand vp to him , & confront him . PIC. Where ? when ? to whom ? P· IV. To me , euen now , and here , Canst thou deny it ? PIC. Can I eate or drinke ? Sleepe , wake , or dreame ? arise , sit , goe , or stand ? Doe any thing that 's naturall ? P. IV. Yes , lye : It seemes thou canst , and periure : that is naturall ! PIC. O me ! what times are these ! of frontlesse carriage ▪ An Egge o' the same nest ! the Fathers Bird ! It runs in a blood , I see ! P. IV. I 'll stop your mouth . PIC. With what ? P. IV. With truth . PIC. With noise , I must haue witnes . Where is your witnes ? you can produce witnes ? P. IV. As if my testimony were not twenty , Balanc'd with thine ? PIC. So say all Prodigalls , Sicke of selfe-loue , but that 's not Law , young Scatter-good . I liue by Law. P. IV. Why ? if thou hast a conscience , That is a thoussnd witnesses . PIC. No , Court , Grants out a Writ of Summons , for the Conscience , That I know , nor Sub-paena , nor Attachment . I must haue witnesse , and of your producing , Ere this can come to hearing , and it must Be heard on oath , and witnesse . P. IV. Come forth , Thom , Hee produceth Thom. Speake what thou heard'st , the truth , and the whole truth , And nothing but the truth . What said this varlet ? PIC. A rat behind the hangings ! THO. Sir , he said It was a Trust ! an Act , the which your Father Had will to alter : but his tender brest Would not permit to see the heyre defrauded ; And like an alyen , thrust out of the blood . The Lawes forbid that he should giue consent To such a ciuill slaughter of a Sonne — P. IV. And talk'd of a gratuitie to be giuen , And ayd vnto the charges of the suite ; Which he was to maintaine , in his owne name , But for my vse , he said . P. CA. It is enough . THO. And he would milke Pecunia , and draw downe Her creame , before you got the Trust , againe . P. CA. Your eares are in my pocket , Knaue , goe shake 'hem , The little while you haue them . PIC. You doe trust To your great purse . P. CA. I ha' you in a purse-net , Good Master Picklocke , wi' your worming braine , And wrigling ingine-head of maintenance , Which I shall see you hole with , very shortly . A fine round head , when those two lugs are off , To trundle through a Pillory . You are sure You heard him speake this ? P. IV. I , and more . THO. Much more ! PIC. I 'll proue yours maintenance , and combination , And sue you all . P. CA. Doe , doe , my gowned Vulture , Crop in Reuersion : I shall see you coyted Ouer the Barre , as Barge-men doe their billets . PIC. This 't is , when men repent of their good deeds , And would ha 'hem in againe — They are almost mad ! But I forgiue their Lucida Interualla . O , Lickfinger ? come hither . Where 's my writing ? Pick-lock spies Lickfinger , and askes him aside for the writing . ACT. V. SCENE . III. LICKFINGER . to them . I sent it you , together with your keyes , PIC. How ? LIC. By the Porter , that came for it , from you , And by the token , you had giu'n me the keyes , And bad me bring it . PIC. And why did you not ? LIC. Why did you send a counter-mand ? PIC. Who , I ? LIC. You , or some other you , you put in trust . PIC. In trust ? LIC. Your Trust 's another selfe , you know , And without Trust , and your Trust , how should he Take notice of your keyes , or of my charge . PIC. Know you the man ? LIC. I know he was a Porter , And a seal'd Porter for he bore the badge On brest , I am sure . PIC. I am lost ! a plot ! I sent it ! LIC. Why ! and I sent it by the man you sent Whom else , I had not trusted . PIC. Plague o' your trust . Picklocke goes out . I am truss'd vp among you . P. IV. Or you may be . PIC. In mine owne halter , I haue made the Noose . P. IV. What was it , Lickfinger ? LIC. A writing , Sir , Young Peny-boy discouers it , to his Father to be his plot of sending for it by the Porter , and that hee is in possession of the Deed. He sent for 't by a token , I was bringing it : But that he sent a Porter , and hee seem'd A man of decent carriage . P. CA. 'T was good fortune ! To cheat the Cheater , was no cheat , but iustice , Put off your ragges , and be your selfe againe , This Act of piety , and good affection , Hath partly reconcil'd me to you . P. IV. Sir. P. C. No vowes , no promises : too much protestation Makes that suspected oft , we would perswade . LIC. Elder Peny-boy startles at the newes . Heare you the Newes ? P. IV. The Office is downe , how should we ? LIC. But of your vncle ? P. IV. No. LIC. He 's runne mad , Sir. P. CA. How , Lickfinger ? LIC. Stark staring mad , your brother , H' has almost kill'd his maid . P. CA. Now , heauen forbid . LIC. But that she 's Cat-liu'd , and Squirrill-limb'd , With throwing bed-staues at her : h' has set wide His outer doores , and now keepes open house , For all the passers by to see his iustice : First , he has apprehended his two dogges , As being o' the plot to coozen him : And there hee sits like an old worme of the peace , Wrap'd vp in furres at a square table , screwing , Examining , and committing the poore curres , To two old cases of close stooles , as prisons ; The one of which , he calls his Lollard's tower , Th' other his Blocke-house , 'cause his two dogs names Are Blocke , and Lollard . P. IV. This would be braue matter Vnto the Ieerers . P. CA. I , If so the subiect Were not so wretched . LIC. Sure , I met them all , I thinke , vpon that quest . P. CA. 'Faith , like enough ▪ The vicious still are swift to shew their natures . I 'll thither too , but with another ayme , If all succeed well , and my simples take . ACT. V. SCENE . IIIJ. He is seene sitting at his Table with papers before him . PENI-BOY . SEN. PORTER . WHere are the prisoners ? POR. They are forth-comming , Sr , Or comming forth at least . P. SE. The Rogue is drunke , Since I committed them to his charge . Come hither , Hee smells him . Neere me , yet neerer ; breath vpon me . Wine ! Wine , o' my worship ! sacke ! Canary sacke ! Could not your Badge ha' bin drunke with fulsome Ale ? Or Beere ? the Porters element ? but sacke ! POR. I am not drunke , we had , Sir , but one pynt , An honest carrier , and my selfe . P. SE. Who paid for 't ? POR. Sir , I did giue it him . P. SE. What ? and spend sixpence ! A Frocke spend sixpence ! sixpence ! POR. Once in a yeere , Sir , P. SE. In seuen yeers , varlet ! Know'st thou what thou hast done ? What a consumption thou hast made of a State ? It might please heauen , ( a lusty Knaue and young ) To let thee liue some seuenty yeeres longer . Till thou art fourescore , and ten ; perhaps , a hundred . Say seuenty yeeres ▪ how many times seuen in seuenty ? Why , seuen times ten , is ten times seuen , marke me , I will demonstrate to thee on my fingers , Six-pence in seuen yeere ( vse vpon vse ) Growes in that first seuen yeere , to be a twelue-pence . That , in the next , two-shillings ; the third foure-shillings ; The fourth seuen yeere , eight-shillings ; the fifth , sixteen : The sixth , two and thirty ; the seuenth , three-pound foure , The eighth , sixe pound , and eyght ; the ninth , twelue pound sixteen ; And the tenth seuen , fiue and twenty pound , Twelue Shillings . This thou art fall'n from , by thy riot ! Should'st thou liue seuenty yeeres , by spending six-pence , Once i' the seuen : but in a day to wast it ! There is a Summe that number cannot reach ! Out o' my house , thou pest o' prodigality ! Seed o' consumption ! hence , a wicked keeper Is oft worse then the prisoners . There 's thy penny , Foure tokens for thee . Out , away . My dogges , May yet be innocent , and honest . If not , I haue an entrapping question , or two more , To put vnto 'hem , a crosse Intergatory , And I shall catch 'hem ; Lollard ? Peace , What whispring was that you had with Mortgage , Hee calls forth Lollard , and examines him . When you last lick'd her feet ? The truth now . Ha ? Did you smell shee was going ? Put downe that . And not , Not to returne ? You are silent . good . And , when Leap'd you on Statute ? As she went forth ? Consent . There was Consent , as shee was going forth . 'T would haue beene fitter at her comming home , He commits him againe . But you knew that she would not ? To your Tower , You are cunning , are you ? I will meet your craft . Blocke , shew your face , leaue your caresses , tell me , Calls forth Blocke , and examines him . And tell me truly , what affronts do you know Were done Pecunia ? that she left my house ? None , say you so ? not that you know ? or will know ? I feare me , I shall find you an obstinate Curre . Why , did your fellow Lollard cry this morning ? 'Cause Broker kickt him ? why did Broker kicke him ? Because he pist against my Ladies Gowne ? Why , that was no affront ? no ? no distast ? You knew o' none . Yo' are a dissembling Tyke , Commits him . To your hole , againe , your Blocke-house . Lollard , arise , Where did you lift your legge vp , last ? 'gainst what ? Lollard is call'd again . Are you struck Dummerer now ? and whine for mercy ? Whose Kirtle was 't , you gnaw'd too ? Mistresse Bands ? And Waxe's stockings ? who did ? Blocke bescumber Statutes white suite ? wi' the parchment lace there ? And Brokers Sattin dublet ? all will out . They had offence , offence enough to quit mee . Blocke is sūmon'd the second time . Appeare Blocke , fough , 't is manifest . He shewes it , Should he for-sweare 't , make all the Affadauits , Against it , that he could afore the Bench , And twenty Iuries ; hee would be conuinc'd . Hee is remanded - He beares an ayre about him , doth confesse it ! To prison againe , close prison . Not you Lollard , You may enioy the liberty o' the house , And yet there is a quirke come in my head , For which I must commit you too , and close , Doe not repine , it will be better for you . Enter the Ieerers . ACT. V. SCENE . II. CYMBAL . FITTON . SHVNFIELD . ALMANACH . MADRIGAL . PENY-BOY . SEN. LICKFINGER . THis is enough to make the dogs mad too , Let 's in vpon him . P. SE. How now ? what 's the matter ? Come you to force the prisoners ? make a rescue ? FIT. We come to baile your dogs . P. SE. They are not baileable , They stand committed without baile , or mainprise , Your baile cannot be taken . SHV. Then the truth is , We come to vex you . ALM. Ieere you . MAD. Bate you rather . CYM. A bated vserer will be good flesh . FIT. And tender , we are told . P. SE. Who is the Butcher , Amongst you , that is come to cut my throat ? SHV. You would dye a calues death faine : but'tis an Oxes , Is meant you . FIT. To be fairely knock'd o' the head . SHV. With a good Ieere or two . P. SE. And from your iaw-bone , Don Assinigo ? CYM. Shunfield , a Ieere , you haue it . SHV. I doe confesse a washing blow ? but Snarle , You that might play the third dogge , for your teeth , You ha' no money now ? FIT. No , nor no Mortgage . ALM. Nor Band. MAD. Nor Statute . CYM. No , nor blushet Wax . P. SE. Nor you no Office , as I take it . SHV. Cymbal , A mighty Ieere . FIT. Pox o'these true ieasts , I say . MAD. He will turne the better ieerer . ALM. Let 's vpon him , And if we cannot ieere him downe in wit , MAD. Let 's do 't in noyse . SHV. Content . MAD. Charge , man o' warre . ALM. Lay him , abord . SHV. We 'll gi' him a broad side , first . FIT. Wher 's your venison , now ? CYM. Your red-Deer-pyes ? SHV. Wi' your bak'd Turkyes ? ALM. and your Partridges ? MAD. Your Phessants , & fat Swans ? P. SE. Like you , turn'd Geese . MAD. But such as will not keepe your Capitol ? SHV. You were wont to ha●your Breams — ALM. And Trouts sent in ? CYM. Fat Carps , and Salmons ? FIT. I , and now , and then , An Embleme , o' your selfe , an o're-growne Pyke ? P. SE. You are a Iack , Sir. FIT. You ha' made a shift To swallow twenty such poore Iacks ere now . ALM. If he should come to feed vpon poore - Iohn ? MAD. Or turne pure Iack-a-Lent after all this ? FIT. Tut , he 'll liue like a Gras●hopper — MAD. On dew . SHV. Or like a Beare , with licking his owne clawes . CYM. I , If his dogs were away . ALM. He 'll eat them , first , While they are fat . FIT , Faith , and when they are gone , Here 's nothing to be seene beyond . CYM. Except His kindred , Spiders , natiues o' the soyle . ALM. Dust , he will ha' enough here , to breed fleas . MAD. But , by that time , he 'll ha' no blood to reare ' hem . SHV. He will be as thin as a lanterne , we shall see thorow him , ALM. And his gut colon , tell his Intestina — P. SE. Rogues , Rascalls ( * baw waw ) FIT. He calls his dogs to his ayd . ALM. O! they but rise at mention of his tripes . CYM. Let them alone , they doe it not for him . MAD. They barke , se defend●ndo . SHV. Or for custome , As commonly currres doe , one for another . LIC. Arme , arme you , Gentlemen Ieerers , th' old Canter Is comming in vpon you , with his forces , The Gentleman , that was the Canter . SHV. Hence . FIT. Away . CYM. What is he ? ALM. stay not to ask questions . FIT. Hee 's a flame . SHV. A fornace . ALM. A consumption , Kills where hee goes . LIC. See! the whole Couy is scatter'd , They all run away . ' Ware , ' ware the Hawkes . I loue to see him flye . ACT. V. SCENE . VI. PENY-BOY . CA. PENY-BOY . SE. PENI-BOY . IV. PECVNIA . TRAINE . YOu see by this amazement , and distraction , What your companions were , a poore , affrighted , And guilty race of men , that dare to stand No breath of truth : but conscious to themselues Of their no-wit , or honesty , ranne routed At euery Pannicke terror themselues bred . Where else , as confident as sounding brasse , Their tinckling Captaine , Cymbal , and the rest , Dare put on any visor , to deride The wretched : or with buffo● licence , ieast At whatsoe'r is serious , if not sacred . P. SE. Who 's this ? my brother ! and restor'd to life ! P. CA Yes , and sent hither to restore your wits : If your short madnesse , be not more then anger , Conceiued for your losse ! which I returne you . See here , your Mortgage , Statute , Band , and Waxe , Without your Broker , come to abide with you ▪ And vindicate the Prodigall , from stealing Away the Lady . Nay , Pecunia her selfe , Is come to free him fairely , and discharge All ties , but those of Loue , vnto her person , To vse her like a friend , not like a slaue , Or like an Idoll . Superstition Doth violate the Deity it worships : No lesse then scorne doth . And beleeue it , brother The vse of things is all , and not the Store ; Surfet , and fulnesse , haue kill'd more then famine . The Sparrow , with his little plumage , flyes , While the proud Peacocke , ouer-charg●d with pennes , Is faine to sweepe the ground , with his growne traine , And load of feathers . P. SE. Wise , and honour'd brother ! None but a Brother , and sent from the dead , As you are to me , could haue altered me : I thanke my Destiny , that is so gracious . Are there no paines , no Penalties decreed From whence you come , to vs that smother money , In chests , and strangle her in bagges . P. CA. O , mighty , Intolerable fines , and mulcts impo'sd ! ( Of which I come to warne you ) forfeitures Of whole estates , if they be knowne , and taken ! P. SE. I thanke you Brother for the light you haue giuen mee , I will preuent 'hem all . First free my dogges , Lest what I ha' done to them ( and against Law ) Be a Premuniri , for by Magna Charta They could not be committed , as close prisoners , My learned Counsell tells me here , my Cooke . And yet he shew'd me , the way , first . LIC. Who did ? I ? I trench the liberty o' the subiects ? P. CA. Peace , Picklocke , your Ghest , that Stentor , hath infected you , Whom I haue safe enough in a wooden collar . P. SE. Next , I restore these seruants to their Ladie , With freedome , heart of cheare , and countenance ; It is their yeere , and day of Iubilee . TRA. We thanke you , Sir. P. SE. And lastly , to my Nephew , I giue my house , goods , lands , all but my vices , And those I goe to cleanse ; kissing this Lady Whom I doe giue him too , and ioyne their bands . P. CA. If the Spectators will ioyne theirs , wee thanke 'hem . P. IV. And wish they may , as I , enioy Pecunia . PEC. And so Pecunia her selfe doth wish , That shee may still be ayde vnto their vses , Not slaue vnto their pleasures , or a Tyrant Oner their faire desires ; but teach them all The golden meane : the Prodigall , how to liue , The sordid , and the couetous , how to dye , That with sound mind ; this safe frugality . THE END . The Epilogue . THus haue you seene the Makers double scope , To profit , and delight ; wherein our hope Is , though the clout we doe not alwaies hit , It will not be imputed to his wit : A Tree so tri'd , and bent , as'twill not start . Nor doth he often cracke a string of Art , Though there may other accidents as strange Happen , the weather of your lookes may change , Or some high wind of mis-conceit arise , To cause an alteration in our Skyes ; If so , we' are sorry that haue so mis-spent Our Time and Tackle , yet he 'is confident , And vow 's the next faire day , hee 'll haue vs shoot The same match o're for him , if you 'll come to 't . Notes, typically marginal, from the original text Notes for div A04633-e12400 Vrsla comes in , with the scalding-pan . They fight . Shee falls with it . Notes for div A04633-e47020 Pod was a Master of motions before him . He desires to see the booke of Mistresse Grace . He consider with himselfe of it . He takes her along with him . The Iustice calls him . Cokes is handling the Puppets . By Edgeworth . The Cut-purse courts Mistresse Litt●● wit. The doore-keepers againe . Notes for div A04633-e66750 He expresses a longing to see the Diuell . Ingine hath won Fitzdo●trel , to ' say on the cloake . A Niaise is a young Hawke , tane crying out of the nest . Hee repeats his contract againe . Wittipol beginnes . Notes for div A04633-e80100 Shee thinkes her husband watches . He growes more familiar in his Court-ship . Notes for div A04633-e95000 Mere-craft describes the office of Dependancy . Hee offers to be gone . He excepts at his stature . He longs to 〈…〉 . Because it is the Diuell . He puts him in mind of his quarrell . He is angry with himselfe . He thi●kes how to coozen the bearer , of the ring . Questions his man. The Diuell confess●th himselfe c●ozen'd . Mere-craft accuseth him of negligence . He asketh ayde . Mere-craft promiseth faintly , yet comforts him . The Diuel is doubtfull . Notes for div A04633-e109030 He flatters her . Manly offer● to be gone . Mere-craft denies him . The 〈…〉 Tooth-picks . Wittipol giues 〈◊〉 Mistresse Fitz-dottrel . Mere-craft murmures , He is satisfied , now he sees it . He vpbraids her , with his Bill of costs . He enters himselfe with the Ladie 's The Diuell admires him . Hee hopes to be the man. She designes Manly . Eueril applaudes it . Fitz-dottrel is suspicious of Manly still . He would haue his 〈◊〉 again . Notes for div A04633-e129180 Mere-craft seemes full of businesse . He answers quite from the purpose . For Scepticks . They repaire their old plot Fitz-dottrel money· Meaning Mere-craft The Project of forks Sledge is brought about . And Guilt-head comes . Fitz-dottrel disclaimes him . Mere-craft giues the instructions to him and the rest . The Iustice interpret all : Fitz-dottrel leaues counterfaiting . Notes for div A04633-e146710 * His Shooe-maker has pull'd on a new payre of bootes ; and hee walks in his Gowne , wastcoate , and trouses , expecting his Taylor . * He ●rawes foorth his watch , and sets it on the Table . * He throws off his gowne * He goes to the doore , and lookes . He sayes his sute . Hee giues the Taylor leaue to talk . Hee buyes Thom a Clerkes place . Notes for div A04633-e163250 The study is open'd where she sit in state . Shee kisseth him . He doubles the complement to them all . Old Peny-boy thankes her , but makes his condition . Notes for div A04633-e180280 Hee tells Pecunia of Thom. Newes from Rome . Newes of the Emperor , and Tilly. Newes of Spinola . The fifth Monarchy , vniting the Ecclesiasticke and Secular power . A plot of the house of Austria . More of Spinola . His Egges . Galilaeo's study . The burning glasse , by Moon-shine . 〈…〉 Ecle . Peny-boy will haue him change sides ▪ though hee pay for it . Spinola's new proiect : an army in cork-shooes . Extraction of farts The perpetuall Motion . The Office call'd the house of fame . 1. Cust. Ashe baptist . Prophet Baal expected in Helland . Archie mourn'd then . The great Turk turn'd Christian ▪ 2. Cust. A Coloney ●e Cookes sent ouer to con●ert the Canniballs . 3. Cust. By Colonel Lickfinger . T● let long hayre runne to seed ▪ to sow bald pates . Spalato's Legacy to the Players . Gundomar's vse of the game at Chesse , or Play so called . Bethlem Gabors Drum. The Duke of Bauier . 4. Cust. The Pageants . 5. Cust. The new Parke in the Forrest of Fooles . Peny-boy would inuite the Master of the Office Bids him get out of his house . Cymbal railes at him . He ieeres him . Notes for div A04633-e197710 He speakes to all the Ieerers . Lickfinger is challeng'd by Madrigal of an argument . They all beginne the ●ncomium of Pecunia . He vrgeth her to kisse them all . Hee would haue Pecunia home . But shee refuseth . And her Traine . Kicke him , out ▪ Hee exclaimes . One of his Dogges . Canters-Colledge , begun to be erected . That 's Madrigall . Notes for div A04633-e216910 Lollard has the liberty of the house . * His dogges barke . Peny-boy Se. acknowledgeth his elder brother . Her Traine thanks him .