Psittacorum regio, the land of parrots, or, The she-lands with a description of other strange adjacent countries in the dominions of Prince de l'Amour, not hitherto found in any geographical map / by one of the late most reputed wits. 1669 Approx. 151 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 85 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2006-06 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A70877 Wing P4148D ESTC R27472 09867761 ocm 09867761 44301 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A70877) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 44301) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1124:20 or 1365:15) Psittacorum regio, the land of parrots, or, The she-lands with a description of other strange adjacent countries in the dominions of Prince de l'Amour, not hitherto found in any geographical map / by one of the late most reputed wits. Hall, Joseph, 1574-1656. Quevedo, Francisco de, 1580-1645. [2], 156, [1] p., [1] folded leaf of plates : ill. Printed for F. Kirkman and are to sold at his shop ..., London : 1669. This work was listed by Wing under both Joseph Hall and Francisco de Quevedo. It appears on reel 1124:20 as H401A, and on reel 1365:15 as Q193. Both Wing numbers are cancelled in Wing (CD-ROM, 1996), and replaced with P4148D. Reproduction of originals in the Huntington Library and the Bodleian Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng 2005-11 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2005-12 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2006-02 Andrew Kuster Sampled and proofread 2006-02 Andrew Kuster Text and markup reviewed and edited 2006-04 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion Psittacorum Regio . The LAND of PARROTS : Or , The She-lands . WITH A Description of other strange adjacent Countries , in the Dominions of PRINCE DEL ' AMOVR , not hitherto found in any GEOGRAPHICAL MAP . By one of the late most reputed Wits . The Prophecie of Seneca in Medea ▪ — Venient annis , &c. — When certain years are spent , Hereafter shall the spumy Ocean shew His secret store , and ope to Mortals view A larger Continent . — Licensed Nov. 9. 1668. London , Printed for F. Kirkman , and are to be sold at his Shop under St. Ethelboroughs Church in Bishops-gate-street . 1669. Gluttonia Gurmond Hall. Frolick Fatness here doth dwell . Keepe Leanness out , and all goes well . Quaffonia . Gulpers Court. The house of youthfull mirth and Lusty che●● Peace , wine , short rest , have all their mansion 〈◊〉 The Land of Parrots Of the She-ands And ●●er Dominions of Prince del Amour . Blackswanstack or Modestiana Shrewesbourg . Cockatrixi Blubberick Tatlingen Gossipinga● Scoldonna the Pallace of Prince Del Amour the Prince Sliver streames Flu : a Clawback Courtier Hermaphrodites PREADMONITION To the READER . Courteous Reader . ONely in one thing I must intreat your favourable censure , and that is in my allusions here and there , unto the names of some Cities and places ; assuring you ( as your ingenious examination of the particulars will perswade you better ) that I had no intent to intimate any Collation or Referenceof the State or Manners of those I describe , unto theirs to which I allude . Let this Protestation therefore clear me from si●ister Imputations , and you from all unjust suppositions . And know all you that have not yet seen these Lands , but do intend to take a view of them hereafter ; that you must first take one of the French Doctors Pills , Despouilez vous dtout affection ; and this will enable you fully to indure the alteration of all Airs in this Clime . Secondly , you must not follow my example to travel at the first single , but two or three in a company ; for one you know may apprehend more then another can ; and I my self that thus miscarried , give you this warning , having incurred my own misfortune onely by this my desperate neglect , which you may also occasion by your too much conversing with the She-landers . Thirdly , you must go over the Country thrice , ere you shall be able to make any exact platform of it : once for Strabo , who ●●●ay somewhat inform you for Geograp●● ; once for Socrates , who may instruc● you in the Morality ; once for Merlin Cocaius , who perhaps may acquaint you with the Languagè and Etymology . No more at this time , but aboard when you please , and à good gale of Wit go along with you . Psittacorum Regio ; THE LAND of PARROTS ; OR , The Shee-Lands : WITH A Description of some other strange adjacent Countries in the Dominions OF Prince de l' Amour . I Know not yet what Travel means , if he that leaves his Native soyl , to pass but into another Country , or over a Neighbour-river ( admit it be the Rhine or the Tweed ) deserve the name ( as vulgar opinion seems to allow ) whereas he never changes either Skie , Air , or Soyl : I see not ( if this be true ) any profit , or any worth in the World contained in Travel . My Parents and my friend at Mount-auban have written very often for my return , as though were far from them : whereas I ( believe me ) have imagined my self fo● two whole years there , as if I ha● been at home : for how little a way is it from Mount-auban to Paris from Paris to Callis , from Callis to Dover ! truly when I think of the Land , it seems about an elle ; in the Map , a fingers breadth ; in the form of the Heavens , just nothing . Not see I any reason why that England should be held my native soyl more then all Europe : for if you stand upon diversity of Language , how many Languages differ from ours If the conditions of the Nation move ye , view not Europe , but view the whole world , and every Province thereof , leaning to the qualities of those that adjoyn to it ; at the Polypus is said to change to the colour of every stone she comes neer . Turn you therefore which way you will , I cannot see how this half a foot travel can benefit us any way . Indeed I hold , that our Drake and our Candish were Travellers , as also Sebastiano Delcano the Portuguess , because their Voyages put girdles about the whole World : nay , I will allow Christopher Collono that name also , for his discovery of the West-Indies ; Francesco Piccaro , and Almagro , for Peru ; Hernando Magellano , for the Molucca's ; and Sir Hugh Willoughby , for his Northern discoveries ; together with all such as have found out unknown Regions , or have reduced them to order . And truly ( I will tell you plainly ) my minde did prompt me to an enterprise of this kinde , such a one as the world might gaze at , and all posterity record with admiration . Heroick thoughts having ●ired my brest full often , and whilst others neglected them , have kindled a bold attempt in me , Methoughts I saw thes● unknown Lands , which no man s● much as dreamed of ; which cause● me as chearfully to resolve to discover them , for I could not do other wise then imagine but that they did lie towards the Cape of Good-Hope Valiant Country-men , we mus● hope , and we must dare . Bug-bear● of dangers are onely sit to frigh● Babies , whereas they do but animate bolder spirits ; if we should stick at them , we should never look out at our own doors . This was the cause that America was so long unknown ; and had been still ( fo● ought I see ) had not a Dove been sent as it were from Heaven , which plucking off the Olive-branch from this Continent , taught us by that , that there was more Land , and les● Sea then we dreamed of . O how sacred shall his name be to all posterity ! his Statue shall be advanced for us to gaze upon , and to remain whilst the Earth keeps her foundation . It is as great a glory ( think I ) to be called The new Worlds Discoverer , as her Conqueror . And why may not we have the same success , and the like glory ? I am verily perswaded , that the large Continent that Seneca prophesied of , is yet undiscovered , and remains to yeild us this honour , if we dare venture on it . I do not question but that there are some will follow me in this my late famous enterprize ; for whose greater delight and encouragement , I have written this discovery , which I present to the world in this following Relation . After I had taken leave of my friends and acquaintance , I embarked at All winds Port , in a Ship called the Fancie : we say led very prosperously for some days ; at length we fell into a Current which our Pilots were not acquainted with ; and being unable to resist its impetuosity , we were hurried to a Land which had not yet been discovered . As soon as we had cast anchor there , it being very secure riding all about , we sent Captain Young on shore , with two of our best Souldiers , Merry man and Good fellow , to discover what they could of the Country : from whom after a short space for their return , we had this following Relation , That this new discovered part of the World was called Psittacorum Regio , or , Womandecoia the she-lands , which are in the Dominions of Prince de l' Amour , scituated towards the Cape of Good Hope , looking towards the Tropick of Capricorn●s ; a Country replenished with many Fountains of Orange flower water , and Trees whose heads are ever green ; and such a great quantity of Sweet William and Rosemary , that the very air is perfumed with it . That the Grounds were fertile enough , but badly Husbanded ( it being pity it should be otherwise , the men being so shrewdly wived ) yet nevertheless , sometimes they are more fruitful then the inhabitants desire ; for they bring forth before their time ; and the fruit falling so plentifully before it is expected , doth cause very great differences , to the detriment and disquiet of the Publick good . They acquainted us also , that before we could arrive at the She-lands , we must pass through several Provinces , both large and rich , yet all of several Conditions , Habits and Languages . We could not but rest satisfied with their intelligence ; wherefore ( after we had taken care and well provided for our Ship ) and refreshed our selves , we resolved to try our various Adventures . For my part , I so depended upon their relation , that I could not otherwise then believe that the Country was rather pleasant then dangerous ; in somuch that I travelled so far into it without any conduct , that I mistook my way , but at last fortunately discovered a strange Province called Gluttonia ( High dyet being an introducer into Lasciviania ) which is also in Prince de l' Amours Dominions . The soyl of this Province is worthily admirable , the Air delicately temperate . O how it pitied me , that so bad Husbandmen should possess so fruitful and pleasant a habitation ! In Latitude it lyeth full thirty two degrees , and in Longitude forty four : it joyns to Quaffonia , where they speak the same language , and are scituate in the same Longitude and Latitude : they have both one Prince , one Law ; and a happy Reformation ( if there could be such a one ) would make them concur both in Prince , Law , Habit and Manners . The She-Landresses of Woman-decoia traffique much hither , but more to Lasciviania , where ( when there is a truce between them and that Province ) they use to make exchange by bartering of Christalline Glasses for Unguents and Pomanders . To avoid prolixity , I shall here chiefly discourse of the present customs and manners of the Natives of this Country . Every Month they are bound by their Law ( and would be so , were there no Law ) to celebrate a solemn Feast , where every Aldergut of the whole Society must present himself , all excuses and delays whatsoever set a part , to consult ( after dinner ; for before , it is unlawful for any one to give his voice ) about the publick good . The place where they meet is Gurmonds-Hall : every one knoweth his seat , and hath his Jourdan or Chamber-pot standing by him , in a little Coffer made for the purpose . Well , being met , and having turned their Wine into Water , and their Oysters into Shells ; every one takes his Chair , and to dinner they go . Their daintiest dishes are evermore the first sacrifices unto their stomacks : for they hold that the best meat meeteth fittest with the best appetite . Now they do not count it convenient , as to their appetites , in any case to have their Boars , Sheep , Goats , Lambs , &c. served up in parcels and joynts , as we of Europe use ; but they must have all whole , ( the old Romans taught them that : ) you shall see the Waiters come sweating with a whole Hog , or an whole Calf , upon a great pewter Engine , you would bless your self to behold it . He that riseth before six hours are fully run , incurs a most rigorous Fine : and after this , for a while they eat and drink by little and little onely ( for that cause that made Aristotle's Parasite Philoxenus wish himself the neck of a Crane ) to take the more delight in the delicacies . But for the breaking up of the Feast , they observe this order : They have a door in their Hall , large enough for the greatest Gut-monger that lives , take him fasting : at this door they all enter , when they come to the Feast ; which being ended , he that offers to pass the same way that he came , and cannot get his belly thorow , is let forth another way : but he that passeth as easily as he came in , is staid by an Officer appointed for that purpose , called the Serjeant of the Maw , and brought back again , ( will he , nill he ) where he must settle himself to a new Collation , until his belly be able to kiss both the cheeks of the door at once ; and then he is dismissed . ( I cannot be fully perswaded , but the creeping through Saint Wilfrids Needle , which was whilom to be seen in Bever-Castle , was a device brought by some ancient Pilgrim , from this more ancient custom . ) Nay , mark but whether these men have not a care of the Cities credit . They have a common Hospital ( and that I 'll assure you a large one ) wherein all such as have got the Dropsie , the Gout , the Cough of the Lungs , or any such malady by too much eating , are maintain'd at the publick charge . But all such as have lost their Teeth by age , or by supping their Broth too hot , are forthwith provided for conveniently , and sent away into Spoon-meat-Islands . Most of these Citizens are of an unmeasurable grosness ( and seemed to me when I saw them , to walk much like so many tuns , moving each upon Pottle-pots : ) nor is that man worthy of their meanest salutation , that is not all cheeks to the belly , and all belly to the feet ; like him whose Epitath this was : Here lyes Sir John of Red-cross-street : He was beard to the belly , and belly to the feet . And such shapes do the Women of this City walk in also : ( the German Towns do pretty well in imitation of these Great Bosses ; but the Barbarians come very neer them ) the young Women may not marry till such time , as before a Bench of Matrons , they make a publick demonstration to their Husbands that shall be , that their Dugs and Chins may meet without any forcing of either . They go for the most part all naked , onely the Alder-guts may wear Gowns ; marry , those must be onely the Skins of such Beasts as they are able to devour alone at one sitting . Yet there is no Freeman of the Town , but wears a large Knife , and a Spoon as big as a Ladle bound to his right arm . Before , upon his brests , each one weareth a poke of Hair-cloth , to save what otherwise may fall besides , and to wipe their mouths withal ; but those they use so long in this greasie imploy ment , that whether their shining exceed their blackness , or their blackness their shining , he had need to be well sighted that should distinguish . They are naturally dull of wit , and slow of apprehension ; and yet , notwithstanding , most perfect in all the Arts they respect . Their Schools have no Lectures read in them , but onely Apicius his Institutions of the Art of Muncherie : and there all the young Fry are taught the Sciences of Carving , Chewing and Swallowing : Oh most profoundly ! The Gluttonian Lecturer ( when I was there ) was one Doctor Full-Gorge , a man most rare in his Profession ; and instead of Grammar , he read the first Section of the aforesaid Institutions of Apicius . Their Library is a large room , ranked full of Pots , Kettles , Spits , and belly-Utensils of all sorts , every sort being enseamed in their several Classes : the Scholars have also each one his full Pot , and his laden Platter , for his book : the Freshmen have lesser measures , the Sophisters larger , and so up to the Graduats . The first , perhaps , hath his Pint and his Pullet ; the next , his Quart and his Goose ; the third , his Pottle and Quarter of Lamb , or his Gammon of Bacon ; and so upwards : nor may any leave his task , or have leave to play , till he have made an end of what was injoyned him . If one stay seven years in these Schools , and benefit nothing , he is , forsooth , banished for ever into Starveling-Isles , to Hungerland is he sent immediately , to dyet upon Spanish dinners , furnished with half Pilchers . Thither also they thrust all Physitians and Prescribers of dyets : if any of them are ill at ease ( let Asclepiades swagger and hang if he will ) he presently eats a raw Radish , drinks a little hot Water , spews a while ; and within a quarter of an hour , Viah , he lets flie upon Ajax , and afterwards rises up as sound as a bell . This Region aboundeth with Rivers , whose course is ( most of them ) uncertain , because of the abundance of Ordure that stops them , sometimes here , and sometimes there ; but generally ( take this for an infallible rule ) at the beginning of January , and the end of February , they are sure all of them to overflow the Bancks , and ( if the breaches be not stopt in time ) to do much harm in the Pastures adjoyning . Gourmonds-hall is a very fair large House , beautifully set forth with Arched-bay-Windows ; and upon the front of the entrance were written in Letters of Gold , this gutling inscription . Frolick-fatness here doth dwell : Keep leanness out , and all goes well . And within there hung a Table chained to a Marble Pillar , containing these inviolable Laws . Be it Enacted , 1. That eating but one meal a day , be henceforth held for a capital transgression . 2. That he that overthrows a full dish or a cup rashly , be forthwith by vertue of this Statute enjoyned to stand up right on his feet , and having a dish of Broth set between his heels , to eat it up with a Thimble . 3. That none eat alone , nor violate the Laws of the Table by any private suppers : but that every Citizen do eat either in the street , or in any open window , upon pain of eating his next meal with his heels u● wards . 4. That whosoever forbeareth eat or sleep some hours together , ● satisfie the State by eating two Suppers . 5. If the Mouth be full , it sha● be sufficient to give an answer holding up the Finger . 6. That conspirators against ●● State of Gluttonia , be forthwi●● starved to death ; and other Mal● factors punished with the loss of Tooth . 7. That all Cooks that dress no their meat according to the judici● ous Palate , be immediately bo●●● unto Stakes , and flesh half-roast●● hung by them , until some pittif●● and hungry spectator take compass● on upon them , so as to eat it all up . 8. That to belch be held not one● lawful , but honourable also : and the the Government of the next following Feast be assigned to him , th● broke winde the strongest at the last . 9. That every mans weekly Maungery be brought in a billa vera , by his fellow Gourmandizer , unto the Register to be recorded ; and withal , that if he have not fulfilled the Law in that case enacted , he may accordly be fined . Signed All-Paunch . Those that are the least offenders , are put for four and twenty hours into the Temple of Famine ; a Prison directly contrary to our Bedlem , Beth-lehem in Hebrew signifying bread . It stands without the City , as Aesculapius his Temple stood without Rome : but not for healths sake , ( as Plutarch saith that did ) but onely lest such as are condemned to that Gaol , should so much as once sent the Air of the Kitchin. The Walls of it are painted about with all manner of good Victuals , to excite the prisoners appetite , to his greater vexation by tantalizing of him . I next arrived at Quaffonia , o● which I would have none to expe●● any exact description , for I dur● not for my ears go into any City o● the whole Province , until it wa● dark night , that all the Citizen were wrapt in Wine and war● Clothes ; and then ( you cannot bu● imagine ) that it must be otherwise then very unlikely , that I shoul● discover many remarkable things you may perhaps say , what shoul● you fear ? Faith I 'll tell ye : harki● your ear ! I feared the Bourgom●sters bounty ; for their fashion is as soon as any one sets foot in at th● City-gate , to give him , by my troth as I was informed , not a few c● rouses , and lifts of Wine for hi● welcome : Oh , they receive him i● pomp ; and all out of the Commo● Purse of the City : He must pul● all off , and drink fair to a pearl on his Nail , or else he is held an ungrateful , unmannerly fellow ; and which is worse , a direct Foe to the common good of the City . Now I feared both this honour and this danger ; and therefore you cannot in the least question , but that your scruple of Conscience is fully answered . This Province is as large as Gluttonia ; but if it were less , what that hath in wealth , this hath in intemperance . There is no Country or Nation under the cope of Heaven so fortunate in the abundant delicate juyce of the Grape , as this is . The peculiar Wines of all our Kingdoms of Europe ; the Germains Rhenish ; the Frenchmans White and Claret ; the Spaniards Xerez , Malaga , and the Canaries ; tush , they have them all in excess . The temperature of their bodies are somewhat different from the Gluttonians , for they delight in the qualiti● of heat and drought ; whereas th● Quaffonians more especially affe● heat and moisture : But their bodie and their Wits hold both one Key in difference : for the Fuddle landers , as they are more ingeniou● then the Eat alians , so are they mor● lascivious in their young years , a● they are generally more quick witted ; but being come to a graver age , ( especially old age ) the● grow so forgetful , that one may cal● them So●s ; you shall nto have on● amongst twenty of them that can remember his own name . There is not any River in the world comparable to that which runneth through this Province ; Dan●w , Thames , Seyne , or , Sir Walter Rawleighs River in Guania , put them all in , they are but kennels to this : For besides the pleasing Meanders that he makes in his wanton course , the water is so sweet and delicate , that neither the best Europes Wine , nor the Turks delicious Zerbeth ( though made of hony and water ) can possibly go beyond it . This worthy Son of the Ocean , hath one peculiar Fish belongeth unto it , called a Tappe ; and this Fish will sometimes lye by the Shore , and spout a great quantity of water aloft ( marry , the remaining of it in his belly hath made it somewhat more pleasing to the taste then it was before ) and this the Inhabitants watch for in Boats ; and when they get it , they highly esteem of it . This River passeth through Turning-fry : Faith I had almost forgotten one Town , it goeth from thence to Celleridge , ere it comes to Broaching-ford , and so by Broaching-ford passeth directly unto Carousakannikin , the prime City of the whole Province . It is a name that I understand not , further then I have a little light from the Germane Tongue : but as for the City , it is built upon a Hill , and carryeth the form of a T●nkard , from what Quarter soever you behold it . It i● of ancient renown , and one of the best seated Ports for traffique in all the whole Land. On the East part it is strongly fortified with Barricadoes and Bulwarks of Barrels , and the Roofs of the House are most of one and the same manner , covered with the boards of broken Casks : In the entrance of the Gates , from morning until night , there is placed a double Cannon of Pewter ( for their Law commandeth this to be duly observed ) the Citizens call it the Flaggon of Hospitality ; and round about it ▪ are these words ingraven , Aut bibe , aut abi ; Drink or be gone . He that arriveth must either drink it all off , or else he is carried before the Magistrate , to render an accompt of his Contumacy . The Arms of the City are advanced over the Gate ; and they are the three Horse-leaches upon three naked Feet in a bloudy Field ; the word , Plaenae quiescimus ; Being full we rest . Here by a fortunate chance I met with a Lascivianian born , who was bound for the City , as well as I ; his name he told me was Cinciglion , an Italian wold expressing the noise that the Wine maketh in running from the Tap. He ( being acquainted with their fashions ) brought me secretly by night into the Town , and shewed me such things as I should never have discovered of my self . Their buildings are not much unlike to the Gluttonians , but that the Fronts of their Houses are so wholly hid with spreading Vines , that ▪ had ▪ I not seen the Signs hang out on every side , I should have sworn I had been in a Vineyard , and not in a City : Believe me , it was a pleasant spectacle . In the Market-place are all the Measures hung up in Chains , sealed with a stamp on their tops ▪ The Inhabitants go naked , but for a wreath of Vines about their foreheads ; their skins are painted , some with such ●ipling Figures as Nature breaths forth ; others after the manner of the Picts and ancient Britains : You shall have some painted so perfectly after a Flaggon , that if he set but his hands on his sides , you would swear that it were a living Flaggon . I did see one also , so directly in the shape of a Whale , that when he vomited , no man in the world but would have taken him for a live Whale , spewing up the Ocean . I had a great desire to see the manner of their publick Feasts , and yet not to be seen by the Citizens . So my Comrade at last agreed to perform my request , and to satisfie my longing ; indeed he gave me withal certain cautions of danger , that I might avoid , if I were discovered ; and likewise he informed me in some necessaty points of behaviour : so having my instructions about me , he being my conduct , we got us into the Town-hall , in the evening , unspyed of any . By and by came the Quaffonians , just as the Glottonians do , onely they had more drink , and less meat . Every one had his purveyance , at either Elbow a Piss-pot for his Urine on one side , and a Bowl for his Vomit on the other . At first , they begin a sacrifice to Bacchus , their General God : not as the Romans did of old , with pouring a little Wine upon the ground ; no , no , far more religiously , and with more stately Ceremonies . At the upper end of the Table stands a stately Statue of Bacchus , holding in his right-hand a mighty great Goblet , of such weight , that ( as Virgil said once ) the left hand now and then , as it were , endeavours to help her Sister . Into this Goblet , or standing Cup , the Master of the Ceremonies , in the Name of the whole Company , p●●rs a ●undlet of Wine , ( it holds no● le●● , if you will believe me ) which passing in Pipes , as if it were in Ve●●s , into his Mouth , when he pist , both at once made a pretty shew , as if he had both pis●ed Wine and spewed it , all in a moment . And this is the Hour glass proportioning the continuance of the Feast ; for when he leaveth pouring out ▪ they must all leave pouring in ▪ Then , Sirs , comes me up a Service of Shooing-horns ( do you see ) of all sorts , Salt-cakes , Red-herrings , Pickled-herrings , Anchoves , and Gammons of Bacon , ( Westphalia may go pipe in an Ivie-Leaf , if it seek to equal these ) and abundance of such putters on . And then begins the full Pots to go round about the Table , and the empty against the Walls ; so that you cannot tell whether they are ▪ sooner filled to be emptied , or emptified to be filled ; but ( as Plautus ●aith of one ) the Drink is sure to go off , be it out of Can , or Jourdan . Now when one of them will drink to another , he first challength him with a solemn Ceremonial Song , the Reliques of some Tavern-Catch . And then they joyn hands fast together , and giving a sound shake or two , the ●●●llenger advanceth his mo●●● e●●● Weapon , and blows it dry : ●● may puff a little , but the Pot is ●●●robed of his Liquor , ere it be severed from his gripe : and then the other answereth him at his own Weapon . The second course is not very dainty ; but how soever , they moisten it well with redoubled Rouses . Then comes the Fruit with the third Course , and that in truth is very rarely furnished ; and being almost finished , and the Cloth being then thrust on a heap , the Master of the Ceremonies cryeth Healths , three times with a loud voice . I imagined this had been a summons to the breaking up of the Company , and was going thence ; when my Associate pulled me by the sleeve : Why , how now you sleepy spectator ( quoth he ) would you be gone when the feast is hardly begun ? stay till the conclusion of it , I bescech yee : do you see how fast God Bacchus his Hour-glass runs ? So I sat down again and stayed . Then steps me out one of the Company , and taking off his wreath , down upon his knees he placeth himself , ( I thought he had been going to his prayers ) and presently calls for a Quart-pot ; An health ( quoth he ) unto great Bousing-gut our Tun-strider ; and presently the Pot stops his Mouth : he drinks , he puffs , he belches , he talks , until within a while he had gulped down as many Quarts , as his Name had Letters ; and when he had done , he falls a spewing , till all cryed twang again , and dyes ( as Horace said ) The Pavements where he stood , With proud Lyaean blood . Well , they all follow in order from the highest to the lowest , each one with the same Port ; execution , and ejection ; proving himself hereby , also a faithful Citizen , and ( which is more ) a strenuous Tossaffakan . This past , up starts another , with this Catch : A health to you and us , this day , And a health to all Drink-alia : Seasoning his Song with many a goodly belch ( quoth he ) it is a hot night , let 's drink and sleep ; and so down upon his Marry Bo●●● ; up he takes his Pot hand ▪ smooth , the Devil a bone findes he in the drink . After him they must all follow ; Woe be to him that hangs an arse . This showre overblown , out steps a third , and he advanceth a quart of plump Lyaeus to the health of all Quagmirists , ( which is the general name of the most eminent persons of the famous City of Carousa-kanikin : briefly , after him they go ; and thus all of them in order brings in his foundation of a new Round . Now every one having his share , they must each of them , as they sate ( pox on 't , that madded me ) go play the Poet : of one of these might Horace have truely said , Aut insanit homo , aut versus facit . The man is mad , or else he maketh Verses . And these verily they make out of the inspiration of Bacchus onely ( the Muses may go hang themselves for any room they can finde there : ) and herein according to the old manner that Plutarch speaketh of , every one sings his Song , and instead of his Harpe , he had a Knife and a Quart-pot ; and truely they plaid fine musick on it . One in his Song commended his Mistress ; another , the goodness of the Wine ; a third , related all the passages betwixt him and his wife at home ; and so it made me remember that old saying of Laberius : Ebriulati mentem hilarem accipiunt . binde , When Wine 's effects the brain doth Then Mirth doth caper in the minde . Another rimed all in Satyr against one that was not at this drinking-bout : and every one ( me thoughts ) kept Anacreons Measures : He was a drunken Poet , and dyed of a Surfeit ; if you will not believe me , it is but putting your selves to the trouble to read Francis Meres , in his Wits Common-wealth ( which perhaps you will not esteem worth your time . ) While these Songs were a singing , it was a world of rare sport to see their several behaviours ; every man had his humour to himself : you should see one , for very pure love , weeping in his fellows bosome ; and another sit a kissing of his Companion : one setting his mouth on the rack with laughter ( wise were the men that could tell at what ) another down upon all four in devotion to Bacchus ; a third swaggering and swearing , because the Bowl of Wine was brought him no sooner ; a fourth arguing of Religion , and matters of State : And here in a corner , you should have a fifth sit nodding and slavering , it would do a blind-mans heart good to see him , with several other strange undecent postures , no less unfit then too tedious to insert . At the beginning of their Feast , because they generally have ( as hath been said ) very slippery memories , quickly forgetting what they do , they have a publick Notary , whom they call Clerk of the Winde-pipe , who is appointed to Register every particular Carouse , and so files them up for common Records , what each man hath drunk , and unto whom ; which done , after the Feast he reads them to the Company , ( if any be awake to hear them . ) Pottle-gulp Swol●e-gut Dry-mouth Draw-large Sup it off unto Swoln-gut 4 Gallons Fuddle-deep 4 Gallons ⅓ Lurch-cup 3 Pottles Broken-belt 7 Pottles Full-brink half an hogshead Concordat cum Originali P. Skinker . If any have failed in the taking of his Liquor , he must forthwith make present satisfaction ( if he be able ) otherwise , at the next meeting he is sure to pay ●ound interest for his forbearance . Well , the Roll being read , and the Hour-glass run all out : Marry , quoth I to my Comrade , but how will they get home now ? that marvel I at most . Oh , well enough , Sir , ( quoth he ) trouble not your head for that . Do you not see those Ropes there in the Court , that have fastned unto them Iron Rings ? these the servants ( who may not touch a drop of Wine till the Feast be done ) being so sober as to know every one his own Rope , do take hold of , and the other end being fastned to their Masters Door , so draw themselves and their Masters both in one Cart , directly home . It is like enough that you say true ( said I ) but what if one should come in the mean time , and tye the Ropes further end to a wrong door ? Why do you think ( answered he smiling ) that any one wakes this night ? yet I have known it done , and the Cart go to a wrong House , and the man to another mans wife ; who perhaps being as drunk as he , never discovers the matter until next day at noon ; and then , that which they ignorantly committed , they do wittingly laugh at : for it is a Principle here , That a drunken man can never offend ; for it is the offence of Bacchus , that he is but an Instrument unto , and no otherwise . But I remembred that place in Lucian's Dialogues , That Bacchus never bids them drink more then what may suffice to exhilerate Nature . In the Town-Hall , properly called Gulpers Court , there hangeth up that ancient Embleme of the Order of their Knights of the Golden Tun : he that can drink this Vessel thrice off ; and go his ways without any indenting ; for this good service he is presently knighted , and hath besides a chain of an extraordinary value bestowed on him . The Knights have a large Charter , and are allowed many goodly priviledges ; they have absolute command in all Taverns , and at all Tables . They may furnish so many Souldiers in Pewter-coats out of any mans Cellar in the Town , Graiis : and besides , they have full authority as concerning Brimmers , and to put what limits they please unto every mans Pot-tipling . These hardy men have great conflicts at every solemn meeting ( as the Sword-players had in Rome , or as the Helots had with the Lacedaemonians ) their Weapons are full-charged Cups ; and he that carryeth most of them away cleer , is Conqueror , and leads the rest about the Town ( if they can go ) in triumph . And this is their trial of the Victory : If he can put his Finger just into the flame of the Candle , without playing hit-I-misse-I , let him spew whole Fish-ponds , he is a sober man. Now Reader , I will present thee with the Laws of the City of Carousa-kanikin in the Province of Quaffonia . It is Decreed , and absolutely Enacted , 1. That all Promises , Oaths , Bills , Bonds , Indentures , or any other conveyances whatsoever , made , or caused to be made in the afternoon , be utterly void and of none eff●ct . 2. That no man of what state or degree soever he be , have his Cups private to himself , upon pain of drinking two days after in a Fire-shovel . 3. That if any one cast away any snuff , but meer froath , he be forthwith enjoyned to fall down upon his knees , and so to lick up the otherwise perishing Liquor . 4. That he that sweareth by Bacchus , and keepeth not his word , be utterly disabled from making any Will , and bearing any Witness . 5. That he that striketh with a Pot , and either spilleth the Wine , or breaketh the Pot , be injoyned to touch neither Pot nor Wine for four and twenty hours after . 6. That he that mixeth Water with his Wine , be sent to sup with the Dogs . 7. That every one pledge his Challenger in the same Cup , and in the same fashioned draught , upon pain of being debarred from drink for two days after . 8. That all that stay three days in the City , do offer sacrifice to Bacchus . 9. That ones calling of a Citizen Thief or Whore-master , bear no action ; but to call him Temperate or Abstainer , shall be lyable to the Law. 10. That the Pots in Banquets be either always full , or empty : the Waiter that presents a Pot half filled , and the person that takes it , shall be both guilty of breach of Good-fellowship . 11. That he that being sober , shall strike him that is drunk , be immediately disabled for giving testimony in any cause whatsoever : but the drunken man striking the sober , shall be acquitted . 12. That he that being sober shall rob him that is drunk , be forbidden Wine for ever ; and if he kill him , he shall be put to death by thirst . 13. That he whom either Nature or Sickness hath made abstinent , be banished the Land. 14. That he that goeth from any publick meeting , without staggering , be accounted a Malefactor in the highest degree . Subscribed STILYARD . Over the Portal of the Hall were these Verses written . The House of youthful Mirth , and lusty Cheer ; Peace , Wine , Sport , Rest , have all their Mansions here . That same night I was a Spectator of their more then rambling Revels : one of the Carousa-kanikin Quagmirists , whose House was of some hight , being loose in the breech , intending to go thither , where neither Pope nor Emperour can send an Ambassador ; and being truely cap-shackled , mistook the Window for the Door ; and so stepping rashly on , he came down with the wrong end forward , and in plain English , broke his neck . His Funeral was very richly set forth , I can tell you : Every Quassonian was dyed all over with black , and for that day wore a Cypress Wreath instead of is Vines . The body was not laid in Coffin , nor upon a Herse , as we use ; ●ut being put into a Cask half full of Wine , was so born to the Grave ; and when he came there , it was to lye rather in a Cistern of Sack , then in a Grave of Earth , and to be drowned rather then buryed . For whereas the Romans used to cast balls of Frankincense upon the pit wherein the body was burnt , they did not so here , but each one poured his Can of Wine into the Grave ; and biding thrice , Adieu most sweet and corpulent Country-man , put finger in their eye , wept some Quarts of Rheum , and to it they went hand in hand to the Tavern . This Quagmirist it seems was well esteemed of them ; for he had a Statue afterwards erected to him in Bacchus his Court , and under it these two Lines in fair Roman Letters . Although he took his window for his door , His valiant death shall make his honour more . And upon his Grave they set up a pretty Obelisk , a brazen Flaggon on the top of it , with these Rimes carved about it ; questionless such Epitaphs in Latine are to be seen at Siena , two in San-Domingo , and one in S. Spirito : By Wine I liv'd , and Wine me kill'd men say : For being sober , I could nere see day . Gone is my flesh , yet thirst lyes in my bone : Give me one Rouse my friend , and get thee gone . Farewel fellow toss-pots . Now had I stay'd two days in this Town , without ever being demanded what I was ; but then my Com●nion came and told me , My friend , ●ou have had a fair reign ; if you ●ay one day longer , you must per●orce do sacrifice to God Bacchus : I may not conceal you further , unless you would have me forsworn . No , said I , what custom is that I pray you , that you are so strictly bound unto ? tell me the course , and I 'll either perform it , and stay longer ; or else I 'll get me presently gone , and rid us both from future danger . Well , Sir , said he , saw you not the Statue of Bacchus yesterday in Gulper● Court , and the large Goblet ●e holdeth , wherein they poured the Wine that runs out at two passages ? I answered , Yes that I did . Well then , said he , you must set your mouth to one of them ( chuse you which ) and suck until you be able to stand no longer , but fall flat to the ground , and so must you lye under the Spout , wallowing in the Wine , until all be 〈◊〉 out upon you . How like you this Faith , said I , it is not altogether 〈◊〉 delightful ; but I beseech you te●● me , was there ever any strange that offered this sacrifice ? All , all quoth he , and not a mans tail that escaped it , but to it he must , maugr● his Beard : some will come spiritfully to it , but others are fain to be haled to their teat , like a Bear to the Stake . Well , Sir , said I , I 'll be jogging hence : onely I would intreat you to inform me which Country in this Tract is next in Dignity to this , and the worthiest of travel . So faith he told me , Hot-watrea , or Licor-ardente , which is under the government of Sir Limbeck Stillitory , a Knight of the Noble Family of Take off your dose : and so led me forwards , and shewed me the way , as plain as Dunstable Rode ; and then courteously gave me the Bascio los manos . I thankt him heartily for his Valienado , and so we parted . Now I all alone took my way towards the North , leaving the River of Froath behind me , until I came at Spewersbury , the silthiest Town that ever I saw since my Mother cradled my head : onely this I must tell the Reader by the way , ( for I promise ye it put me often to a shrewd pother ) I was as much troubled with Pots and Flaggous in my journey , as a Clerk of the Market , or as the Traveller that hath far to go , is with the Spanish and Italian crosses : I could never trace it three Miles to an end , but I should finde a bouncing Tankard placed under an Arch , and drink I must needs , no gain-saying of the Lands Hospitality : at last I overtock a Traveller in an old tattered Ca●●ock of Hair-cloth , baresoored , and bareheaded . I demanded w●●● he went so fast ? Sir , quoth he , I have undertaken a long Pilgrimage unto Saint Borachio of Bottlesbrook . I wondered at this new name , and this as yet undiscovered Pilgrimage ; so I questioned him at large of the Country , of this Towns situation and discipline ; and finally , of the Vertues of this Borachio . Bottles-brook , Sir , said he , is seated in the confines of Hot-watrea , and Lasciviania , and is of great fame throughout both the Soyls . Besides divers other ancient Monuments in the Town , there is a Temple of Bacchus Fiery face , they call it the Cappel-Ardent , where a rich and rare Statue of his is erected , not like a grown man , but very youthful , just as his Father took him from the burning Womb of Semele ; so it is , having been long ago so cut out of the hard Rock of Rubies . The top of this Temple is all set with Carbuncles , and golden Sparks , most rich to behold ; and from the embowed Arch there drops , they say , a kinde of hot fuming Liquor ( as Cataracts do in some places of Mardelzur , as Hackluit affirms in his Voyages , and is received into a Borachio that stands placed accordingly ; whose Vertue is such , that if one drink a large draught of it with good devotion , he shall never in his life after be either drunk before noon , or athirst before midnight : both which helps may do me much good ; for I am a man so imployed in my Country , that I can never lye in my bed until midnight for thirst ; nor never rise before noon , but I am drunk and fast a sleep again . Therefore have I gone these three days without drinking at all ( save that I drunk one dish of water this morning ) because I would merit the more of this holy St. Borachio , when I come there ; nor dares any man importune me to drink , or any in my company , as long as I wear this Weed . Bir-Lady , Sirs , you must think I was not a little glad of so great a priviledge ; and therefore ● intreated both his company and patronage . Well , we went chatting on until I observed the Soyl altered ; wherefore I asked him , where we now were . This Country , quoth he , ever since we came over the Lake Metheglin , is called the Country of Usquebah , as there is an ordinary pass to Ireland through Wales , being the first Shire of Hot-watrea : It is not so well husbanded , but it is far more fertile then our Country of Wine-cester , exceeding both in fatness of Soyl , and pureness of Air. So when ● heard the name , I understood presently both the Original and the Definition thereof ; Usquebathia , because they drink Usque ad , even to the bottom : There are other derivations thereof , but those I leave to the six Wits to censure of . The● quoth I , being very weary , Whither go we now ? is not this Bottles-brook ? O Lord , no , he replyed ; but cheer up your self , we have but , in comparison , a foot of ground till we are there ; we are onely to trample a little over the pleasant shores of Hot-watrea , and we shall presently arrive at Bottlesbrook . But whence , said I , is that smoak ? he replyed , It comes out of Mount Denis , wherein the souls of such as either lived too soberly , or killed themselves desperately , are purified by fire ; and there they burn , until some of their living friends go in Pilgrimage to Chappel-Ardent for a Bottle of Saint Borachio's water ; and pouring that upon their Tomb , they are freed . I smiled at this , and thought now surely I have found the Original of Purgatory : let Abbot Odilo , and his Monks of Coruna tell me never so many tales of Mount Aetna , and so many good-morrows , 't is here thought I , or 't is nowhere . Well , at length we arrived at Bottlesbrook : in truth I found it to be a pretty sweet Town ; marry it was both paved with Bottles , and roofed with Lethern-bougets . I do not remember that I saw any Artificer in all the Town , but Lethern Jack-makers . The reason is , the men of this Country use no pure Wine , as the other Drink-alls do , but certain distilled waters mixed with the strongest Grapes they can get ; which are so violently hot , that the brittle Glass cannot hold them , and therefore they are forced to fortisie their Bottles with Lethern Jerkins , rivited together with Pitch and Rozen . We travelled on through many craggy and fenny passages , till at last we arrived at a Port called Puerto d' Aqua forte , the Inhabitants of which place drink Brandfireal , by most of them for brevity called Brandewine , squezed from the sowrest Grapes , which the French ( rather then they would throw away ) thought it more convenient to make a more profitable trastique of . Some say the Dutchlanders , to disperse the unwholesome Fogs which arise from their Seas , strengthen and fortifie their stomacks with this tipple , which I also found here , ( how they came by it in these parts I know not ) but this I am sure , that it is with them A-la-modo , lustily quaft off . The Yeomen of these Brandy-bottles here are fiery faced , cholerick of condition , of a staggering manner of pace in their going : but that which is most terrible of all , they drink , and they breath nothing but elemental sire , meer flames . As much cold , or scargut , as one of us will drink , so much fire will one of them take : that a man would verily imagine when he saw them , that they were so many fire-darts , or as one might call them , St. George● Flap-dragons . I was in danger of water before , but now I feared nothing but that I should be fired or stifled with the smoak of an Herb called Tobacco , which they took in at their mouths , and gave out at their Noses , resembling the ●ume● of so many Brewers Chimnies . It is reported , that one Rollo Waralador , an ungodly fellow , one of this Country , taught this wicked vapour by an Indian Devil , first brought it hither into these parts ; so what for fire and smoak , I thought it necessary to make my escape . I left my companion at his Orison to Bacchus ( I loved him well , but I loved my self better : ) the next morning I hastned out of this Vulcans Shop ; for so it was a very Cyclops ▪ Forge , rather then a City of Bacchus . I travelled on so far , that at last I approached the Verges of Lasciviana ( some give it another name , which I am very willing to forget . ) Being extream weary , I set me down on a delicate ●●rot of Nature , ( somewhat out of the way ) on which finding my self drowsie , and inclining to sleep , I might the more freely take a nap . I had not been long at my quietus , but that I was awakened with a most sweet voice ; I made no inquiry to know who the Singer was , lest my appearance ( as I thought ) might bereave me of such a melodious happiness ; my sence of hearing keeping a right intelligence with the pleasant measures of the Verse : to my best remembrance , these were the words of the Song : Under our climate Nature shows Her beauties naked to each eye , Feeding the sight inchantingly , With rich treasures which there grows . Upon the Flowers we glittering spie Tears , or ( rather ) Pearls to lye , Fallen from the eyes of fair Aurora , With which she , to whom Zephyrus makes vows and prayers , Doth beautifie each morn , her neck and curled Hairs : There ' mongst the smiles , and the caresses , The little frolick Loves inspir'd , Dance on th' ennamel'd grass till tir'd , With their fair Mistresses the Graces ; And still when they desir'd to kiss , They came to rest themselves ( O b●●ss ) Betwixt fair Venus snowy brests , Where they created thousand new and fresh delights ; Whose charmes no language can express , For every moment life or death was in their mights . Sometimes we see a Satyr come , Who sitting in an Oaks fresh shade , Upon his Pipe complaints he made Of his delightful Martyrdom : Then go we to a Wood apart , Where but on● beam the Sun can dart , To finde out solitariness ; And meeting peaceful rest , which there with it was courting , We banished all unquietness , Lest we should have disturb'd his sullen sporting . There under a streight Myrtle-Tree , Which Fairies holy do esteem , Where grav'd by Venus hand hath been Her Trophies , and each Mystery ; Our solemn Vows betwixt us past , That those our flames should ever last , Nor should their ardour weaker grow : Then offering up those Oaths of Victory we 'll sing , We wrote them on the bark below , They 're printed deeper in our hearts , and there they spring . Sure there 's no pen that 's so lascivious , Were it pluckt from a Sparrows Wing , Can ere describe so sweet a thing As this same Love that dwells in us . Never tho with clothes unlaced Adonis Venus nak'd imbraced , Were such various sports invented ; Nor ere did Love and 's Psyche fair withhim , Taste such delights , were so contemed As when our glutted Veins with flowing pleasures swim . The Song was no sooner ended , but those which I took then for Syrens , rushed in upon me from an Ambush ; whom I afterwards found to be neither better nor worse , then some of the armed She-landeresses ( you heard of them of the She-lands before ) who took and carryed me prisoner ( the more unfortunate I ) a long and ●oylsome journey , even to their chief City , called Gossipingoa . Thither I was brought , and detained a great while longer then stood with my good liking . I will here discover the whole progress of their dealing with me , and then I will go on with the description and conditions of these new undiscovered people . As soon as these cruel Conqueresses had taken me upon the Borders of Lasciviania , they brought me away ( as I have said ) to this their chief City , where they towl'd a Bell , and presently all the Petticoat-Inhabitants came flocking thither in a trice , and began to prie more narrowly upon me , who stood bound sure enough ( God wot ) for offering them any false measure . At length one of the rout , ( their Captainness it seems she was ) gave a sign to the rest to be silent ( as she had need ) and then she thus bespake the Company ; What , or of whence this fellow is , I do not know , onely we took him in the confines of yonder damned Country of our Enemies , Lasciviania ; and seeing they have offered us so much injury , I hold it very fit now ( if it be not too late ) to take revenge of them , and first with this prisoner . Now she having made an end of her learned Speech , I got leave ( with much ado for noise ) to speak , and so declared my Nation , and the cause of my wandring , as well as I could ; and told then Womanships , that for my part I had not any acquaintance at all in Lasciviania ; I was one that wished their Madamhoods , and all their Sex , all the good I could ; and that it would derogate much from their Natures , Clemencie and from their Honour and just Government , to condemn an innocent Pilgrim , and one that had not in the least offended , without hearing of his cause . Well , these good words , I can tell you , wrought so handsomely with them , that the poor young Wenches began many of them to weep : yet the old Countesses were not so much oversway'd with my Oration , but that I must to prison , to a great house in the Market-place , called Cold and comfortless , until my Country and cause of my travel were truely manifested to the She-council . Well , to Ward I went ; and but for that my Countries name is the true Paradise of Women , ( as it is the Proverb in France , that England is the Paradise of Women , the Purgatory of Servants , and the Hell of Horses ) which pleaded for me ; I had never come out alive : for all the Lascivianians that they take , they either fairly hang them up , or else put them to most slavish offices in this prison ; which they do to plague them for their injuries offered : for the people of that Province , as they are most of them wanton , run madding after Whores , out of their beastiality neglecting their Wives , or else through their mad-brain'd jealousie keep them in continual slavery ▪ Oh how many Noble Captains did I see in this prison wearing out their lives in Spinning , Carding of Wool , and Knitting ! Faith at length , for my Countries sake , I had my liberty restored , but not without an Oath ; for I was brought to Juno's Altar , and there laying my hand on the same , I was forced to take a solemn Oath to observe all these conditions following : 1. That I should never go about to injure their noble Sex by word or deed . 2. That I should never interrupt ● Woman in her tale . 3. That wheresoever I lived , I should leave the rule of the House to my Wife . 4. That I should never more come to Lasciviania ; for it is the common phrase here , Many go thither good men , but come away from thence evil Husbands . 5. That I should never aim at more then the love of one . 6. That I should never betray my wives secrets . 7. That I should never deny my wife any womans ornaments . 8. That I should continually give women the — and the praise for Beauty , Wit and Eloquence , and defend them against all men . This Oath I willingly took , but believe me , Sirs , not without a little equivocation ; though rather then fail I would have taken one ten times stricter . So therefore you see my Tongue is tyed by my Oath , not to tell the sine Conundrums that I saw among these mad Wenches . Somewhat I may say , but no harm ; no more I would , in truth , if I had not at all been sworn . I shall now according to my promise make it my next enterprise to go on with the description , conditions , customs , and forms of Government of this Newfound Land. As touching the situation of the Shalands , or Womandecoia , it lyeth in that part of the Southern continent , over against Morleture and Beach , called Psittaccorum Regio , the Land of Parrots ; it bordereth on the Dominions of Prince De l' Amour : on the North side it boundeth on Lasciviania ( a Nation , as we have said , that is a great enemy to it ; ) on the South , upon Thrivingois ; on the East , upon the two Foppianians , the Fickle and Fat. The Soyl whereof is very fruitful : it is divided into many Provinces , both large and wealthy : The principal of them are these : Fattingen , Scoldonna , Blubberick , Giglot-angir , the high and low ; Cockatrixia , Shrewes-bourg , and Blackswanstack , otherwise called Modestiana . Not far from these is an Island , called Hermaphrodite , or Double-Sex : many of these Provinces I did pass through , when I was carryed Prisoner to Gossipingoa . But to speak truth , Fattingen , or the Land of Parrots , is the best Country of them all , and hath many fair Cities in it , as Pratingople , Talesborne , and Lips-wagg ; through the last of which there runneth a great River , called Silver Streams , which sometimes will overflow the banks , and drown all the lower parts of the Country , which they call Chinnedale ; but the Countrymen have now devised very strong Rampiers to keep it from breaking out any more , but when they list to let it out a little now and then for clearing of the Channel . As touching their forms of Government , they are allowed of for a Free State by Prince de l' Amour ( questionless the kindest Prince of the world to Women , and the most unlikeliest to debar them of their liberties ) their Government being ruder and differing from his , the women in his Country being more courtly and civilized ; and if otherwise , upon any dislike sent hither , where they need not to question their welcome entertainment : For here , for ought I could perceive , each one seeks Superiority , and would be so popular , as to avoid obedience . They have no Laws at all , doing every thing by the numbers of Voices . But the giving up of their Voices , struck me into a wonder , being unacquainted therewith , for they set up a cry all together ; none gives ●ar , but each one yells , as if she were horn-mad ; and is not this able to abash a milde mans spirit ? They hold a continual Parliament ( if the word signifies so , as it is rendred in their consultations ) onely to prattle about their affairs of State ; so that Erasmus , as he had in part already done in his Colloquies , would be able to give a stronger testimony of Womens turning Suitors . Now this continuance is necessary , because of their Laws uncertainty : for the decrees of this day , are altered or disanulled to morrow ; but the same day they cannot , lest their Law ▪ givers should seem to be inconstant in their Edicts . Every ones voice is alike in worth , the City of Gossipingoa through , but not every ones dignity , for they have a set number of chosen women , they call them Gravesses ; and these have the Authority of most Honour in each particular City : but they are not born to this dignity , but are elected , either for their Beauty , or their Eloquence ; for by these two are all Elections ordered . They had once a custom to elect these Gravesses by voices , but afterwards every one giving her voice but onely for her self , it bred a confusion , and so made them to abolish that manner of Election : and then they drew a Decree , that those onely should have the sway in this same envious contention , who would profess themselves neither to be Fair nor Eloquent : But this brought all to such a pass , that in the whole Multitude of them , you should not finde one that would be Electresses ; the elder sort holding that they had the Eloquence , and the younger standing as firm in it that they had the Beauty . At length they all agreed to pass over these places of Electresses unto twelve of the most aged Matrons of old Mumpington ( a ruinous Village hard by ) and so they did , giving them the most glorious Titles of Electresses Gravesial : The chief of whom , when I was there were these , the Dutchess of Cackletout , the Countess of Banne alleyla , the Arch-presbyteress of Slaverspreg , the Palatine of Twittle-comtattle , and eight more subordinate Electresses . To set them the more agog to their charges , they are strangely adored , and wonderfully cursified . And besides this honourable stile , The reverend of the age , wealth and abundance comes in flowing continually upon them ; for the ambitious young Wenches will so bribe and ply them with gifts , to have their voices at the day of Election , that I hold that there is not a Court more corrupt in giving voices , or more wealthy in getting of riches . Instead of Scepters and Swords , the Gravesses have Fans and Glasses born before them , huge Christal Glasses ; and still as they pass through the streets , they prank up their attires by the said Glasses , ( and loose no time ) but set all their gew-gaws in order as they go along . There are a few Shee ▪ landresses born in this Nation , but most of them being , as we said , of the unciviler sort of Females , are excluded out of Prince de l' Amours Dominions ; such as will either wear their Husbands Breeches , or else such as their Husbands jealousie will banish , those are sent in flocks hither . Now all such as are their Husbands Masters , and are therefore banished upon the unjust claim unto Soveraignty ; these are assigned to inhabite the Frontiers of the Shee-lands , especially in the Countries of Shrewesbourg ; and there they are all put in Garrison . But as for those that are voluntary Exiles , they are generally of meek and unmanly spirits ; and these are seated in the heart of the Land , to become Votaresses to Peace and Beauty ; and yet you need never dream that this Weal-publick ( however weakly founded ) should go to ruine for want of particular Members : and I will tell you why , there are so many Volunteers , ( especially free-women ) come to this Camp , that the fear is rather that there will want room for the new Inhabitants , then otherwise . Truely , I am in great perplexity lest my Countrywomen ( though they are used so well here ) should have any understanding of this State : for if they have , we may go snick-up for any Female that will abide amongst us ; but all will away , we should not have one big belly left to lay the Foundation for a future age by . At Gossipingoa , I got ( besides my Freedom ) the Cities Letters for my Pass-port ; and so from thence I took my way towards G●glot-angyr , a Country lying upon the South part of Womandecoia , towards Lasciviania ; the Land of it self in this part is the worlds Paradise . I was not many Leagues from Lovesden , the first Town of this Country , when I entred into an Air as delicately seated , as if the Perfumers in England had lately play'd their prizes therefor eternal Soveraignty ; the whole Country round about it is so stufft with Apothecaries and Pomandrificoes : The rest I omit , as I look upon these as the chief Magnificoes of this State. The women of this Country are generally tall , gracefully adorned ; and ( were it not that they practice the Art of Sneek-oyling over much ) we might imagine them handsome . They wear nothing on their faces , nor on their brests : as for the rest of their habit , it is fair in shew , light in weight , and easie to mount . I travelled hard , till at last I arrived at a Province named Shamesgrave , ( for so they call the Shire-town of Giglot-angyr , where it is reported that the Sepulchre of Modesty lyes . Here their houses are made all of Muscovia Glasses , as transparent as Air : where it is labour lost to seek any of them at home , unless you make your inquest immediately upon their dressing time , or somewhat before : But lay your plot to seek them in a Playhouse , or in a Tavern , or so , and it stands upon a good Foundation : for there you are sure to find your Female , either a laughing , a singing , or some extraordinary imployment . You never saw Spider contrive a more artificial Net for a Flie , then these women do for the Lascivianians ( however their Countries deadly Enemies ) yet some of these men serve their desires as Volunteers for provant and preferment . Others they lay their Ambushes for , and fetch them in first by loose Allurements , then by prayers , and then by pence ; and if none of these means will work , they compel them to serve their wanton desires by force . And when they have done so , just as your Stallion Horses are kept for breed , so are they stowed into custody , dieted with Eringo's , Potato's , Cullisses , and other devised dishes , until Venus sends her second summons . This I no sooner heard , but I hated ; and no sooner hated it , but I avoided it , as neither daring to presume of my learning , nor policie ; but as I knew my self neither to be a proper young man , nor for a fine Gentleman ( none dispraised ) I durst not hazard my honesty upon so slight Foundations . But you may perceive , it is sometimes convenient to want a good faee : and those things which at other times a man doth blame Nature for most , may at one time or other stand him in more stead then her greatest benefits in ordinary estimations . Not far from Guaon , the last Isle , between Cape Hermose and Cape Beach , lyes Double-sex-Isles , much like to our Isle of Man on the coast of Lancashire . In this Isle Nature hath so orderly disposed all things to one form , that I could finde no one plant in all the Soyl , but was of a double kinde of Fruits , or one Fruit of two several kindes and names : there was your Bear-apple , your Cherry-damson , your Date-almond , your Chestnut-filberd ; and a thousand of these conclusions of Nature : yea , insomuch , that the very Inhabitants of the whole Island wore all their Habits as Indices of a Co-aptation of both Sexes in one . Those that bare the most man about them , wore Spurs , Boots , and Breeches , from the heels to the hanshes ; and Bodies , Rebatoes , and Periwigs , from the Crupper to the Crown : And for those that were the better sharers in Womankinde , they wore Doublets to the Rump , and Skirts to the remainder : nay , their very names bare notes of their participation of either side ; there was Mary Philip , Peter Alice , Jane Andrew , and George Audry , and many more that I cannot remember . And all their own Nation that have not shewn themselves perfect , both in begetting , and bringing forth , are made slaves to the rest : and when they take any that are but simply of one Sex , you would admire what a coyl they keep about them , as Prodigies and Monsters , as we do those that are born double-headed , or other such deformed births . Their onely glory which they esteem most , is , that in their conceit they have the perfection of Nature alone amongst them from all the world besides : For seeing Nature , say they , hath bestowed two hands , two feet , two eyes , two ears , and two nostrils to every mans perfect body ; why should not the most perfect Creature of all be perfect in two Sexes also ? And again , Cybele , and the Pathiques of old Rome , were fain to use forced means for that which we have given us by Nature . Thus are they wont to perfect their deformities : and truely you may observe in them all , besides their shapes , both mans wit , and a womans craft . They have no Cattle in this Countrie , but Mules ; nor any wilde Beasts , but Hares : as the Mule is held both to conceive and beget ; and some hold the like of the Hare . They live most upon Shell-fish , for that is their best and most ordinary sustenance . In my return from the confines of Giglot-angyr , being now upon the Western Angle of the same , I did light ( just as my staff fell ) into the Countrie of Shrewesbourg , the onely Garrison of this Feminine Government , and the onely defence it hath against Forreign Incursions . Now this Countrie fearing no Foe but the Lascivianians ( for the Thrivingois are a quiet Nation , and never will offer to molest them ; and the Foppianians cannot , though they would ) therefore they place their Forces or Towns of Garrison , onely upon the Eastern Frontiers of Lasciviania . Here was I sweetly gull'd ; for espying persons in the Habits of men , Marry , thought I , this is good luck , I am now gotten out of Womandecoia : but when all came to all , I was nearly couzen'd with a borrowed shape : for in this Countrie women wear Breeches , and long Beards ; and the men go with their Chins all naked , in Kirtles and Peticoats ; spinning and carding Wool , whilst their Wives discharge the main affairs of the State. In this tract is an ancient and ample Town , generally called Pepuzian and I do not think but Pepuzian Heritiques were of this Original , who held that women should be both Princes and Priests , as well as men ▪ The Barbarians in Aristotle's time never used the women half so imperiously as the men are used here : I had great compassion of their slavery ; yes verily had I ; the poor Snakes dare not so much as wipe their mouths unless their Wives bid them ; nor so much as ( saving your presence ) go piss , nor pass a word with their best Friend , but they must first come to their Wives with a writ of Quaeso Magistra , good Mistress give me leave to go , &c. I observed this custom to be more strictly looked unto upon one certain day whilst I was there , then at other times by far ; and the reason of it was , because that some of the better-spirited Husbands disdaining to be chained in this unmanly subjection by their Wives , had laid a plot amongst themselves to rise up on an appointed night ( as it might be this night ) in open arms upon the sudden against their Wives , and so to shake off their infamous and disgraceful servitude . This plot had taken a very good effect , had not misfortune crossed it : for one cowardly fellow of their confederacie , being threatned by his Wife to be soundly cudgelled for some other private escape that he had made ; to procure himself a pardon , went and revealed all the whole platform of the conspiracie , just the evening before the night appointed . The women sit at meat , and the men attend ; the women sleep when they please , and the men watch ; so do they scold and fight , whilst the men are fain to bear off , with ears , head and shoulders . Happy may they call that day wherein one Mrs. Disquiet or other doth not Lamb-baste them before night . I imagined my self amongst the Turkish slaves ; but that these distinctions of Habits assured me this was a more abject kinde of Captivity . Ah what a base sight was it to see a Distaff and a Spindle in a mans hand , and a Sword and a Buckler in a womans ! Yet I concealed my dislike , as well as I could , desiring for to see without suffering . If any woman use her Husband somewhat gentlier then ordinary , ( as some of them were more tender hearted then others ) she is presently informed against , and cited to appear before the Parliament of Shrewesbourg , and there indited of High-treason against the State. Her next Neighbours give evidence against her with such noise and fury , that it is strange to see how far they are overborn with impatience . If she be convicted by the smallest evidence that is , she is condemned to this punishment : She must first change attire with her Husband , and then shave off her Hair ; and so being led through the Market-place , must stand for one whole day upon the Pillory , as an object unto all the fleering scoffers and beholders : nor shall the man escape scot-free , for being so audacious , as to take the favours offer'd by his Wife without a modest refusal : but when that the woman comes home ( she shall be all covered with durt , grains , rotten eggs , &c. ) she must not put off her Vesture until she bring a cudgel into the Court , all dyed with the fresh bloud of her Husbands broken-pate . He that out-liveth his Wife , must either marry his Maid , and be sworn to her service , as he was to his former Wives ; or else he must become a slave to the next Neighbours Wife : For no man may be the Ruler of his own House . In this Countrie , when the Wife goeth forth , either to Wars , Consultations , or for pleasure , she leaveth her Keyes , and therewithal her Government , unto her Maid , or her Daughter : either of which if the Husband once mutter against , his shoulders are sure to pay for it soundly at his Wives return , unless he can beg or buy the silence of the Deputie-Governess . They never lye with their Husbands , but when provinder pricks them : ( for they hold that it would procure too much familiarity ) notwithstanding , if the Husband arise not out of his Cabin in the entry ▪ , before the Wife be warm in her bed ; and coming up stairs barefooted● , do not knock thrice gently at her Chamber-door , and offer her his service with a soft low voice , he is sure to have a great deal of pains and labour bestowed on his ribsthe next day . The Women of this Country observe a fashion contrary to ours ; for they clip their hair , and let their nails grow long : 't is supposed that they do thus , that there may be less hold taken by the assailants , and more by themselves . There are also certain amongst them that profess the Trade of the Noble Science , and keep Free-Schools , wherein the rest are taught all the Wards of Offensive and Defensive , both of Heels , Nails and Teeth ; as also the most exact and judicial method of clawing off the skin of mens Faces , putting out eyes , byting of arms , wringing of ears , and tearing of beards : these Lectures they are instructed in , both by precept and practice . The men are all their drudges , to wash , wipe , scoure , and 〈◊〉 all that is to do in the House , is expected from them ; yea , even to dr●●● all the meat : so that I imagine it i● ▪ ●● a mans esteem of the undecencie of such businesses , ( not any unableness of his to discharge them ) that maketh him eschue such imployments . Believe me , there are no foul spots to be found in any place in the Houses here , saving on the mens Clothes ; but these are so filthy , that they are certain remarques how they neglect themselves , as much as the Women neglect them ; notwithstanding , go but abroad into the Fields ( which are the womens charge to see to ) there you shall finde the hedges broken down all at six and sevens , unlookt to , in a most careless , ruinous and destructive manner . The very Walls of their Cities are half down ; and that which standeth is so disgracefully framed , that the very stones seem to beg to be at mans disposure , and to abhor the ordering of womankinde . Thus I travelled , as I have already given the Reader an account , through most parts of the Shee-lands ; but perhaps he may not for all this rest satisfied , till he ask me a question , which I am confident will be , Why I passed not through that part of the Modestianians , where the Women of Black-swanmark had their Habitations ? Truely , I hold my self unfortunate in that one thing alone , that I could not be so happy as to describe that State as well as the others , seeing that my minde presageth unto me , that it excelleth all the rest of the forenamed . For the present , I can say no more then thus : that there is such a people , my Friend , I 'll assure thee ; but the Region wherein they inhabit I could never come to discover , only the name I brought from the ancient Chronicles of other States ; and that , as I said , should be Black-swan-●ark , because a chaste and rare woman is , as Juvenal writes , Rara avis in terris , nigroque simillima cygno . Indeed there are some of them that live as Anchoresses , and Hermetesses , in the craggy Deserts , in some other part● of the Shee-lands ; but these ●nhabitants are generally unknown , and almost inaccessable ; ●●●●● , notwithstanding , are the Mo●●steries , whither ( as it is reported ) the ●a●●est , chastest , and most zealous of the Shee-landresses do ●●l●●●●ily retire themselves : he that will take the pains to search those vast Deserts , may questionless meet with some of those holy Votaresses : I did light in my solitary wandrings by chance of one or two of them , whose variety of Vertues , Beauties , Behaviours , have left me in an extasie to this very hour : but our young Travellers are too idle to venture upon so hardan inquest ; that is the cause why they have no other colour to cover their slothfulness by , but by unjustly alledging the smalness of the number of modest and honest women . Indeed , considering how dangerously rude those places were that I passed , I know that my Reader cannot but admire and inquire how I got safely through them : Faith I 'll tell thee truely how , mine age , my habit , and good advice , were my Patrons and Conductors in all this perilous adventure . My habit was manlike , and my face womanlike ( for I had yet no beard : ) and besides , in some places I found some of my own Comerades undertakers in the same Voyage with me ; and these , like true Friends at need , gave such discreet directions , that ( as Aeneas did by Sybilla ) I following their advices , got me at length , as I have informed you , through the She-lands ; first passing through all the dirty Fens of Blubberick , where the women will fall a weeping upon any wager when they list ; & so through the Mushrumpalian Mountains , till finally I came into the confines of Prince de l' Amour . In this following relation I shall pursue the same course as I have all this while done , onely to take notice of the most remarkable passages and places . In the Eastern parts of these Dominions are two famous Castles of great importance , Idleness , the School of Prince de l' Amour ; or Libertinism , or Licentiousness , the Paradise of Venus , where the men are ordinarily oblig'd to take the Governours to task , to gain free and favourable access to the Court ; and towards the 〈◊〉 parts there are two houses , called Beggars ▪ bush , and the Lovers-●olly , like our Bedlam and Bridewel ; to the which , most that follow this Court are forced to go seek for attestation of their life and manners . Prince de l' Amour , who Reigns over all the people of this Country , is a young Prince that never grows old , nor does he easily admit of any ancient people to dwell in his Land , except it be to serve for Buffoons in the Play : all his designs are taken at random ; for he never consults or takes counsel in any thing : 'T is thought he is Loves Brother , the Soveraign of all Monarchs ; but he must then be his bastard - Brother , the Childe of Nature and of disorder , who hath unluckily usurped his Name and Arms ; and 't is certain , that his affairs are mingled more with interest then affection , and the irregularities of debauchments are ever more there , then the right rule and conduct of Reason . At the entrance of this Court there is a place called Cajolery , open on all sides , which hath been made very spacious by the ruine of another ancient Temple of Modesty , which also otherwhile stood in that place ; which when I was acquainted with , I sadly resented , as plainly perceiving that I should never approach Modestiana , or the Island of S●ame-stead , till I returned into my native Country of England . To this place of Cajolery , every day all the hired whisperers , the greatest admirers of little-nothing● , and many animated Idols , which must be worship'd right or wrong , do constantly repair : whatsoever strangers arrive amongst them , they presently entertain them with all the pleasures that their Houses and Tables can afford : come to any of them with a dust - licking - Congee , and some three or four Vostra Signiora's , Spaniard-like , and either commend his good Face , his Perriwig , his new Clothes , his fair Hand , his fine House , or season but his affection with an admiring applause ; and this your obsequiousness shall purchase you an Hoste , whose curtesie will imagine nothing too dear for you : good words and fair promises are the monies that these people use . This place may be called Clawback , or Soothing-court , it being peopled with the strangest Monsters that ever man beheld ▪ ●hey bea● every one two Faces , and speak with two Tongues , as they know how to sooth and backbite : they carry the shapes of Apes upon their foremost parts , and all behind of Dogs ; so that they seem ●● be a confused composition of Man , Ape and Dog. That there are such Monsters , let reverend Munster in his Cosmography serve for a testimony , who describeth certain Indian people that are partly thus formed . They make themselves as voluntary slaves to the Magnifi●oes , as if they were born to servitude . And albeit they are so ●ot●ish , that of their own heads they can enterprise nothing praise-worthy ; yet can they imitate and counterfeit any action that they see done before them ; the World hath not the like for forging such ●●●●● resemblances . They never wear attire , never speak word , never do deed , but they see and hear the like . Whilst I was there , they halted all upon one leg , and went spitting and spawling all the day long , because that Signior Tickle-ear , their Governour , of late had hurt his foot , and withal was troubled with an old pockie Catarrhe . They are most of them Barbers , Taylors , Panders and Procurers , Parasites and Lick-spittles : There are also by report some gallant Courtiers amongst them . But however , your Spanish Mimick is a meer Ninni-hammer to these Clawback-Courtiers ; speak but , or look but upon one of them , and ye shall presently have him kiss his hand , cringe in his ham , stroke with his foot two yards of dust ; and with a laborious Congee , like an Eccho , bandy the last word you spake all the Room about ; and with an applauding ●leere , return upon you with all the gracious terms that his invention can possibly vent ; together with a whole Heralds-office of titles , and top-beauty Excellentiaes ; and then putting his Lips together with another Bascio delli mani , stand hovering at your next speech , to hear how his last stood to your liking . Then do but you approve him , and talk on , and whatsoever you say ( be it scarcely sence ) shall into his Table-book , as an Oracle , for a more then humane conceit . Then will he stand with his eyes fixt on the Skies , and adore you ( as a Drunkard doth Bacchus ) on all four . Such Fellows acknowledge no God , but the man that they make choice of to serve ; and him they observe with more prayers , sacrifices and adoration then any Idol could exact . Now all this they do with one of their Mouths onely : marry there is not a word comes out of this mouth , but the other ( their Dogs mouth ) doth forthwith secretly retract , and disclaim ; for if they say to your face , God save you ; when you turn about , they mumble to themselves a backside - complement , that is , either The round pox take you , ( which is twenty poxes beaten into one ) or else The Devil take you , which with them is twice farewel . In this place one may also behold walking Shops well enough furnished , but that the Wares are heap'd together in confusion , and great disorder ; the Merchants also sell Praises and Incomiums , on all manner of Subjects , for nothing ; onely with this condition , not to examine the goodness of the Commodities , as the truth of their protestations of friendship , the sincerity of their oaths of fidelity , and the reali●● , of their idle wishes to interested persons . They have also their complaints for non-acknowledgements , their seeming despairs , and a multitude of ●ine words that these Court-Parrots are ever furnished with , and carry about them ; sweet expressions they have indeed , and affected regrets at your departure , together with a thousand dainty complements for a four hours tedious absence . They are permitted to deal in Masks of what kinde soever , and are to be found at Jealousies Quarters , where they commonly make use of them to deceive Rivals , and spoil sports . This City of Prince de l' Amours is the Venus , the Eye and Lustre of all Cities Terrestial , ( for the beautiful women that inhabit there ) it being by some called ●ivit●s A●gelorum . There are in the whole circumference of the Walls just sixteen Gates : The Geometrical form thereof is neither Circular nor Oval , but of a mean proportion between a Cylinder , and a reversed Pyramid , just like unto the pourtraiture of a mans body : your understandings cannot be unacquainted with such a general draught as this , except you are onely Scioccoes , and never saw Belgia in the form of a Lyon ; Italy , of a Leg ; Morea , of a plain Leaf ; Spain , of an Ox Hide ; the West-Indies , of a Fishes Lungs ; all Europe in the shape of an Empress . He that hath but seen these , and shall but view this Town , must needs avow directly , that he beholds the lineament either of some Collossus , laid all along ; or else of Prometheus , as he lyeth bound upon the Mount Alazar . In this City is a place called , the Palace of good Fortunes , where Prince de l' Amour receives his Courtiers most secret homage . This Palace of good Fortunes is a house of pleasure , whose Foundations were laid by Nature ; upon which Art hath since raised very handsome Edifices and Decorations . The Gates are all made of false pleasures , and the rooms furnished with lost shame ; and the most secret passages may all be called a scandalous Mystery . Silence commands there sometimes , but for the most part Indiscretion , and sometimes Distaste doth let in false reports , which are Fames fore-runners ; upon whose least buz , she must needs sound an Alarm with her Jews trump , and make a tatling with her hundred Tongues . This Palace stands in a Valley so closely barricadoed with Trees , Hedges and Bank● , that it is neither facile to espie or approach it ; those onely that are free can have the priviledge to enter at pleasure , though ● be the utmost aims of all the A●oroso's ; and so ambitious they are of honour , that many will often perswade people they have come from thence , when indeed they could never get in there . They are all well acquainted both where it is , and know the ways which lead thither ; but as there are many several Paths , and those very differing and distant one from another ; each one takes that course which he findes most convenient , and best to agree with his own fancie and condition . Some walk the plain way of delighting and pleasing ; which is indeed the fairest , and the least perilous of all . Others chuse the Golden path ; which without doubt is the most certain , and in which one goes farthest in a short time : but all the World cannot go this way , it being onely reserved for rich men , ( the Golden Calves of this Age ) and others of the like gang . There are some that tread in the road of Opportunity , which is none of the worst ways ; but they must be careful to look often on their Watches , lest they loose their Tyde and Market-hour ; for Take a Lady in her humour , &c. Others there are that rely upon the Path of Obligation ; but this is the farthest way about , most troublesome , and more uncertain then all the rest . Last of all , there are some that make their passage through the Fort of Enterprises ; which is the shortest cut of all indeed , but it is dangerous ; and because of Countermines , it being so inaccessible a place , oft-times the Traveller is constrained to return back the same way that he came . Not far from this Palace of good Fortunes , on the top of a Mountain there standeth a Castle of all Ghristal , not wrought by any Art of humane power , say the Inhabitanrs , but by the Goddess Fortune ( Fortuna favet fatuis , is a saying not so old as true ) she being ( upon some distaste of the gods ) banished from Heaven , her blind Ladyship set up her rest here , and built this her second Terrestrial Heaven . And from hence she spreads her goodness through the World : here she sits giving all abundance , that the most credulous servant she hath can possibly expect : nay , be his expectation constant , 't is believed he cannot chuse but obtain it : Hither do men and women flock , but especially from Foppiania and Coxcombia ; there is not one ( almost ) high or low , in those parts of the World , but have seen this Mount ( and others upon a further discovery will ascend it . ) Men talk of Saint James of Compostella , our Lady of Walsingam-Hall and Sichem , &c. they are , or will be , desert and desolate places in respect of this : Here the Pilgrim lyes prostrate in the Valley , in devout expectation of the Goddesses call ; here the people are as thick as ever Hail-stones lye in the high-way after a frosty storm : yet may not any person living approach the ascent of the Hill , until such time as the Priests of the Castle do hang out the White Banner , and that is a sign that the Goddess is pleased that they shall ascend : and then they all cry with one voice , making the Skies rebound again , Madona Scoperta ( the Italians cry so , unveiling the Picture of the Lady of Loretto ) and then , run that run may , one over another ; every one crying out of the straitness of the passage up : Nor will the worst man there give place unto the best ; so that sometimes you shall have them scold one with another , like so many disagreeing Neighbours in an Alley ; and sometimes to it by the ears with dry blows , every one in the company thrusting on him that was before him , and flouting them that are behind . Here did I see certain of them that durst not venture on the crowd , grown even hoary with expectation , and yet had not means to get up the Hill. But what do they that get up ? Faith , desire to have themselves called together ; nevertheless each one begged that it would be the Goddess pleasure to grant him his desires first . You shall have one praying for the attainment of his way-ward Love ; another , onely that it should please Fortune to send him a Wife that was no shrew ; a third , for Honour ; a fourth for Riches ; every man as he lik'd and had occasion : and there you should have twenty beseeching for such a wealthy mans death ; and as many for the burial of so many Church-men , that they might pass from reversions to the possession of this or that fat Benefice : there sate a crew of ill-faced-Wenches , and their snir was for beauty : there was an old Wife also , with as many Oak Trees in her Mouth as Teeth , and she expected to be restored to her youth again : and as many more Suitors ( you must think more then I can now well remember . ) Now the sign of admission being given ( as I said ) up Hill go all that can go up , not on their feet ( for that were , as it is esteemed there , too much presumption ) but upon hands and knees : and with great reverence , I warrant you : being gotten on the midway , one of the Priests entertains them courteously , and inquires every particular mans name and Country ; which when that he heareth , he proclaimeth with a loud voice as ever had Stenior , a fellow that in Homer had a voice as loud as five voices , who was appointed partly to give notice to his fellows , and ( as some think ) to the Goddess her self , what guests were arrived ; and partly by this means inquiring the piety of them , to know ere that they came any neerer , whether they address with the faith and purity that is required : for if they approach thither guilty of any crime , she hangs out her Red Banner , as a sign that they must be removed into the Cloisters , where they must be kept till they are able to salute her with a purer soul , and pass the residue of their journey with a lighter purse . But if the Goddess likes them at the first , the Priest without any Ticket admits them , and so lets them pass , with these words , Believe , expect and Hope ; and so God b'w'ye . On go they as cheerful as Pies , until they come to an Ironthreshold , a little below the steps that ascend to the Castle-gate : Upon which Iron this Distick is written . Fortunam si avide vorare pergas , Illam ut male concoquas necesse est . Who swalloweth Fortune , ere he chew it , Through ill digestion needs must rue it . The Castle-gates are kept by a rigorous Porter ; yet Money will make him to do any thing : the entrie is so narrow , that it seems to be rather a hole then a gate : but after you are crept once in , then shall you see a house more like a heavenly then an earthly ; all Pearl and Gold , whose lustre dazles the eye to look upon it , and whose external view promises no less then the height of happiness . I omit to speak of the form of the Temple , the Priests Habits , Orders and Offices ; these , for brevities sake , I wittingly over-pass . At length , when you have viewed all ( for you must needs bestow a little time to gaze upon this Pile of admiration ) comes another of the Flamines to you , and taking you by the hand ( having first blindfolded you with a Linnen-cloth ) he leads you through a hundred turnings , indeed whither he lists ; but as fond men believe , unto the Temple of this good Goddess , whom mortal eyes must not behold ; and therefore you are muffled : now you must couch , and kiss the sacred pavement ; and lye so without once moving , untill that the Goddess call you by your name ; and then ask boldly what you please : do but effect what she commands without delay or distrust , and were your request ( say they ) never so hard , it shall be fulfilled . Well , but ( you will ask ) what is the end of all this ceremonious observation ? By my troth a ridiculous one , able to move the gentlest spleen alive ; they are all singularly and ingeniously Coney-catcht , men and women , rarely fetcht over , and with Arts quintessence : and yet for all that , this Art is so secret , that though no man pass this trial , that is not made an Ass ; yet every one had rather blame his own slothfulness and incredulity , or else believe that he had committed some mistake , rather then so much as once to glance at any imperfection in the power of the Goddess . Well , having propounded your petition , ( suppose it be Honour ) the Goddess assents to it most graciously , commanding the suppliant first , after some hours , to take a potion , whereby his spirit may be the better adapted to the ensuing felicity ; and then to lay him down again until she call him the second time : which if he do but rightly observe , he shall assuredly ( as they say ) be crowned with his full wishes , to continue enstalled in happiness for ever , and to have always the same cause to be grateful to the Goddess for her heavenly benificence . It passeth ; the suppliant taketh the cup , and drinks it all off , praising in his own thoughts the drinks delicious taste ; being utterly ignorant , that it is but onely a potion compounded of Poppy , Opium , Lettuce , and other such procurers of sleep ● but the effect is the trial ; he falls asleep , ye may turn the house out at the Window ( if you can ) and never awake him : and then is he haled up and down the room like a dead Carcass , by the Villains that officiate ; and when they have laught at him till they are weary , they lay him in a rich Bed , in a Chamber like a Kings , cieled with Ivory , and arched with Golden Pillars , where all the Tables spread with rich coverings , the Arras of Compania , and the Tapestrie of Alexandria , are but Sack-cloath to them . About the door stands a company of attendants all bare-headed , each in his Golden Chain at least , and all Courtier-like accoutred , expecting when this Endymion junior will awake : that Minion of the Moon is said to have slept fortie years together ere he ' wak'd ( this Moon-calf sleeps commonly not above three daies after he hath taken the poti●n ) who then lifting up his head , ●eholds all the room with amaze●ent ( as well he may ; ) and seeing all this fair companie of shining attendants , is wholly transformed with wonder●s whilst they in the meantime approach all in order with a ceremonious revarence to salute the awaked great person , to whom they wish health and fortunate days : Mass thinks he ( taking more then ordinary state on him ) this is brave . They humbly approaching him , ask him what apparel his Highness will be pleased to wear to day : your suit of Gold-smiths work ? your suit of Tissue , imbrodered with Rubies ? your Cloath of Gold Doublet with the Carbuncle-buttons , or your Pearl-powdred-Vest ? Tissues , Rubies , Carbuncles , Vests ? Hey da ! ( he could not remember that in all his life he was concerned with Taylors for any such Apparel ) howsoever he was so well pleased and valiantly contented ( as he imagined the Goddess Fortune had made him already such a Courtier ) as that he resolved never to pay any Taylo● bills ; he is an Endymion indeed now , and will not change states with the Man in the Moon , for all his fulgid glittering Throne that he sits in . Well , rich Cloaths are brought him indeed ; every man helps this mighty person on with them , as one says , Dant digitis gemmas , dant longe monilio collo . His hands with sparking gems they deck , And hang rich Chains about his neck . Set a Diadem upon his head adorned with Pearls of incredible greatness and lustre . All this goes well on still , thinks he ; yet would dinner were ready , he wished , and whispered it privately to himself : for ( though he found his own Highness very hungry ) he could not , if one had told him so , believe that he had eaten no meat for three days . He no sooner thought thus ( for he imagined that it did not concern his greatness to speak to his attendants of so ordinary an affair which would follow in course : ) as I said before , he no sooner thought it , but immediately dinner was prepared and served up all in state ; such raritie of services , such brave attendants , such ravishing Musick , such Mirth ! Pho , nineteen Muses cannot give a man words to describe it . And thus the whole day was spent , as time ye know will pass : his fine Holiness thought all his own still . Well , night comes up with supper , and up supper comes , with as rich , nay , richer purveyance and attendance then waited on the Dinner : and for a conclusion to the ●east , his i●●gined Highness hath the ●other draught given him of the same holy potion , which presently lockt up his sences , in a sleep as profound as the former : and then his poor twelve hours greatness , being , as Virgil says , I am simul expletus , dapibus , vinoque sepultus , Gorg'd with good cheer , and wrapt in sleepy wine . Is carryed out at a Postern , stript out of his Tissues , his Rubies , and all his Gold-smiths work , and re-invested in his old cloaths , ( which with his being dragged about , were made somewhat durtier then they were before ) and so laid out in the High-way for passengers to gaze upon ; where when he awakes , he falls into as great amazement as before ; and remembring how gloririous a bliss he was enthroned in but yesterday ; and finding himself now utterly deprived of all , he falls a lamenting with a heu quo decidimus , miserably deploring , and bitterly ●ursing either his own sloath , or deafness , that he did not give ear ( as the Goddess had charged him ) to the second call : Oh , how he cursed himself for his gross ingratitude● who being placed in so high a felicity , that he should neglect to pay the Goddess her high tribute of thankfulness ! So away he goes weeping and wayling , with this word continually in his mouth , Fuimus Troes ; I was whilom a brave fellow ! exhorting all persons to take example by him ( as they use to say at the Gallows ) he desired them never to be negligent , never thankless , but to proceed though confidently , yet withal warily , to obey what the Goddess enjoyned ; and then they could not fail of felicitie . Such had I once ( said he ) been , but now by mine onely folly , I have lost it all , everie part and parcel of my former greatness . Now everie one that heareth him , thinks this ; I hope to take better heed then so ; and they hoodwinck themselves ere ever they come there . 'T is strange that the people of these parts having two such strings to their ●ow , should so many of them neither get preferment at the Court or Palace , nor at the Castle of the Goddess Fortune , being served at both in the same manner ; so that many of them precipitate themselves into the Abyss of Despair , which i● some distance of place , both from the Palace and Castle of the Goddess Fortune : but the wiser sort of them take sanctuarie in a place called Turn-again Chappel : this Chappel is built on firm ground , separate from the other places by an Isthmus very dfficult to pass over ; 't is under the Tuition and Government of Captain Repentance , who alone hath the power to give a free passage ; he is a melancholy , but very wise person , pious and charitable to those which address themselves to him . He doth not use to give ear to the first complaints of such as onely sigh for their misfortunes , or curse the disorder of their lives ; but he penetrates and pierces the bottom of the heart ▪ and will examine the sinceritie of it ; and never assists any but those which fix upon a constant and firm resolution to quit their impertinent , covetous and ambitious fancies ; and then he conducts them safely into that miraculous Chappel , where as soon as they are arrived , their eyes are unsealed and opened , so that they clearly and evidently perceive how blind they were ; and discover that all what before they had beheld in their fancies ; was but imposture ; that all the sweetnesses of changeable Fortune , are but sugared poisons ; that the false pleasures of this life do ever produce real pains ; that the happiest of them are continually on the rack , that these outward injoyments are onely vails cast over the troubles and sorrows which await them inevitably ; and that there is no place more unhappy and bad then that which is called the Palace of Good Fortune ; that in truth it is the Trap for wanton and impudent youth . Thus taking better resolutions and desires , some walking a quite contrary Path to that which before they had strayed in , they injoy a true and happie peace and satisfaction , which before , in the greedie prosecution of their Fortunes , they had in vain sought after ; and so by this means are restored to their perfect mindes . 'T is true , that behind the Palace of Good Fortunes , there is a Garden of a fair extent , which is called the Court of Recompence or Reward . At this word there are few but will imagine and fancie that here is a Terrestial Paradise : but though Art doth every day strive to embellish it , yet it seems to be a placè where Nature brings forth nothing but troubles and miserles ; the hedges are Thornie and Bryerie ; there are no Flowers but blasted ●Pans●y● , weeping Daffadills , and worm-eaten fool-coats ; and no plants but Ru●● , Worm-word , and Floreamour ; no● any Fruits but choak-Pears : the Fountains indeed flow on both sides , but the waters are for the most part bitter ; but set them be bitter or sweet , I am resolved no longer to tyre out my Reader with this tedious preachment , but to go on jovially with my following description . In this Court of Prince de l' Amour , are persons of all degrees , conditions , qualities and sizes . Not that the Subjects of this State are considered under their divers titles ; for they are distinguisht by other qualities far more illustrious . Some are the sighers , ever cloathed with anxietie , and care of a deep sad thought-colour . Then the wantons are always roabed with Gew-gaws , Nets , Gins , Weather-cocks , and such pretty Traps and Devices . The Adventurers are in Habits of changeable Taffatie ; these run in all roads , and yet never stray far from the Castle of Enterprize . The glittering Gallants fair without and foul within , are considerable onely for their gay Trappings : these spend very much to little purpose , they are the onely make Flyalls under the Moon ; Dogs , Dice , Hawks , or Kites for a need , &c. are their Objects ; they do nothing in the world ( next to their hatred of learning ) but invent how to spend : thus they flye out their Patrimonies ( their Fathers were born before them ) and when all is gone but their Clothes , then farewel to them also . These are those that call one another Dick , Tom , Jaok : and whither dost thou go to day ? to a Play-house ? to an Ordinary ? to a Wench , & c ? Alas poor Gentlemen ! what 's a man but his pleasure ? When these new Inhabitants have cast all their whole Estate over-board , then they do either retire to other mens Tables , or else are maintained at the publick charge in that same place , where stands that ancient model of Cole-harbour , bearing the name of the Prodigals Promontory , which is appointed as a Sanctuary to Banckrupt Debtors : thither flee all those for refuge that are cast at law , or feel themselves unsufficient to satisfie their deluded Creditors ; any of whom , if they pursue their Debtors hither , and force them from their protection whether they will or no , they are immediately accused as guiltie of sa●●iledge , and so are thrown headlong down from the highest Tower in all the Territorie . Those of this Countrie that have any Sons , assign them their full Patrimonie ●re Nature allow them any Beard : and in case they dye before this time ( if ●●● can believ 〈◊〉 ) they leave all their Estate unto their Wives to dispose as the● list afterwards , without any 〈◊〉 of progeni● : But if they have the fortune to burie their Wives , then do they lavishout more upon their Funerals , then would serve fo● ▪ Dow●ie to the ill favoure●st of their Daughters ▪ Every man here a●ouches ▪ himself to be at least a Gentlem●n born : and pretend most of them to shew a Pedegree of ten thousand years before the world was created ( which is somewhat beyond the descent of the Shentlemen of Wales ) you shall have them shew you Galleries all drawn with thei● Lineal and Collateral descents ; and yet when all comes to all , their Neighbours ( without going to any Heralds-Office ) are able to prove , that they had Coblers , Carters , Botchers , and Costermongers ●●to their Grandfathers . Nor is there any of their more select Gentility , but hath his Countrie Farms , three or four , leased out to his Villia●oes , his retainers , and those are commonly Clawhack-Courtiers ; otherwise , as their Progenitors did before them , they might have whistled for their Estates . The ●abble are of all hairs , conditions & understandings ; Buffoons , Upstarts , Braggadochioes , Powdered Heads , and Pickled Tails , which , some say ▪ of Millers are become Gentlemen ; others affirm , that of Gentlemen they are turned Millers : I know not whether is the ●ruest , since they wear the Millers Liverie on the Head , and the Gentlemans Badge at the Heel . There are some others that in respect of any valiant use they make of it , might be armed with Tin onely . These stile themselves stout men , and strong wits ; whereas , indeed , at the first encounter with any man of Mettle ( though the Ladies have wept that Achilles was too hard for Hector ) they are pierced to the quick without making any resistance . Let them swear all manner of oaths , no wise man will ever believe them to be valiant . As to their wits , they never speak but onely to shew themselves Criticks , and are onely much esteemed by themselves , though they are as much scorned by others ; conceiving that they know all things ( whereas , any thing but vice is above their capacities ) omitting to learn that which is fittest for them , they would erect themselves ( what should I call them otherwise ? ) as much as in them lies ( if they could do more then what was done before ) general deformers of Prince de l' Amour's Court. These fellows , when they have strutted to their uttermost extent , the Ladies do but hate them . They do so much want ordering of themselves , though they would pretend to regulate others , that they are the most impertinent , and will be ever held ( but to little purpose ) the most importunate presumers that attend that Court. They are so valiant ( as I told you before ) that none of them stir abroad unarmed : the Cutlers trust them for Swords ; and therefore ( as they intend never to pay for them ) they give them as freely away to their fellow-Cowards , whom one may disarm ( though they swore , and stood upon terms ) with one single well-managed Tobacco-pipe : For though they have their Ammunition hung about them , they are but onely hired , as so many Porters by Mars , who hath no other occasion for them : Yet one of these Braggadochioes will be always so accoutred , let him go but to my Neighbour Johns , he will have his moveable about him . If he meet any man that will not give him the Wall , Catzo del Diablo , 't is presently slave draw , or else prepare thy self to kiss my pump , for the refarciation of my honour . They never make any journies forth , but they alway bring blows home ; but verie seldom it is that they leave any behind them ; for they run on fore-right , and dare not so much as look backwards . If any one of them chance to kill his enemie ( it is so rare an accident for him to have such a stomack ) that you need not to question , but that he turns Canibal , and feeds presently on him . They have no Laws , but all goes ( when they are valiant ) by might and main . He that is so couragious , if he be wronged , must be his own evenger , or else he may go home like a Fool as he came ; for his Sa●acen-faced , Swash-buckler-companions , out of a pale almost dead fear , leave him to shift for himself ; they 'll be sure to run without a ●ear or wound safe to the next Tavern , where they fortisie themselves , and build a sconce of a victorious never payment : and these are the height of their Atchievements . The fairest place of all the Citie is the Market , called Royal , both for its excellencie , and for that the Prince is lodged in the middle of it , that so he may at one view behold the Rendezvouz of his Courtiers ; so as at least to keep those ( if it were possible ) that are most enormons in awe . This Citie is invironed with an infinite number of re●iring places , where the chiefest appointed Assemblies and Meetings are kept , which are so many magnificent Temples consecrated to the new Deities of the Country : in the midst of a great many Portals , Stair-cases , Cells , Galleries , and Closets richly flourished and set forth , there is always one place respected like a Sanctuary , wherein there is an Altar made after the fashion of those beds dedicated to the Pagan Gods , where , for the most part , lyes a Lady exposed to the publick view ; handsome , and richly adorned ; noble , but accounted vain ; sometimes wise , but still sufficient : and thither at her feet does the most illustrious of the Court resort to burn their Incense , offer their Prayers , and sollicite her favour to Prince de l' Amour , that they may obtain entrance into the Palace of Good Fortunes . The people of this Country have no true setled Religion ; they have many Temples indeed , but they do not go there to pray , but onely to see and to be seen , to scoff and jest , smile , wink , cavil , make matches , take assignations for debauches ; and so they make the Cloak of Pietie a cover of their Drollery . In this Citie there also is a great Obelisk of black Marble , on which all the Fundamental Laws of this State are written in Letters of Gold , of which these few following are the least considerable . 1. That Modesty , Discretion , and Reservedness , shall have no admittance into this State , unless they may be useful to such as are obliged to play under-board . 2. He that hath not wherewith to bestow , must provide himself of some rich Gull to defray all his charges . 3. After a long stay at the Park , or elsewhere , a good Husband that waits at home for his wife , may drink one glass of Wine to drive away Melancholy , but is absolutely debarred from cutting off● ▪ one bit to stay his appetite till his Lady brings home her Gallants with her to supper . 4. Whoever maked profession of Fidelity , shall be bound to justifie , that he is of the Race of Am●dis , or of the descent of Celadon ; and in case that he cannot , he shall pass for an Idiot . 5. That the Husbands shall be obliged to keep those Children which themselves have not gotten , without troubling of their brains to know what the right father gives underhand towards their maintenance . And though Prince de l'Amour receives no homage , nor grants any considerable priviledges , but onely to the Natives ; yet nevertheless , for the benefit and advancement of Trade , and inriching of his subjects , he suffers these four sorts of strangers to abide there . 1. The Begulled ones , which are a people so cunningly flattered and soothed up by their Wives , that they cannot believe any other participates with them in their delights . 2. The Cravens , which are in doubt , but dare not complain for fear of correction . 3. The Hard to be shod , thus named , because like Mad-colts they kick and fling , and play the Devils , to shun those knocks , which nevertheless they are sure to feel ; but the difference is this : the one is shod with the half-Moon on the Head , and the other at the Heel . 4. The fourth and last are the Jobelins , who know they are dubb'd , but had rather quietly conceal their Horns in their Pockets , then have them in the view of all the world ; besides the fear of the loss of their worshipful office , if they should understand , or the sad ship-wrack of those profits and incomes maintained by their Wives industry , and the favourites benevolence . They marry Wives , and love them pestilently well for a while , keeping themselves truely loyal to their espousals , until they take some occasion of dislike with their old bed-fellows , or chance to behold another fairer then she : and then farewell Wife , and farewel with all my heart Husband ( saith she ) there is no love lost ; for the Wife is commonly as willing for to make an exchange , as the man is : assure your selves that she is as ready to take a dislike , if her Husband be any way declining : just as our Citizens use a man ; as long as he hath cash , you have him brow and bosome ; but that failing , my Master is not within , Sir. The currant coyn of this Country is stampt with a City-hen on the one side , and a Cuckoo on the other reverse . There are here some that are mighty courteous , many of them will use a stranger the first day , as if he were their own brother ( though they never saw him before : ) Marry the next they will pass him by , and forget that ever they saw him . They seldom or never proffer any thing which they do not call back at the next breath ( you must take them at the first rebound : ) Nor do they ever promise , but they afterwards forswear it ; you are never sure till it be performed : nor do they for the most part perform any thing which they do not afterwards ( though too late ) recant and be very sorrowful for . They will not sell you any commoditie to day , but that they think they might have sold it dearer to morrow . They are as inconstant in the management of their Edicts , as the She-landers , for some Laws they alter everie year : For it is not fit ( thus they defend it ) seeing all mans life is mutable , that the rules of life should not be mutable also , as well as the effects : besides , mans second cogitations being generally more perfect , it were a strange slaverie to be tyed to a first Decree , that although the after-wi● be disliked never so much , it must not be altered . But that which ought to gain Prince de l'Amour a greater renown , is , that having given Tax-gatherers libertie to negotiate in his Dominions , yet he never suffereth them to propound any new impositions to his Council , being still contented with the ancient duties ; for in this Citie , he exacts nothing but frequent visits , deeps sighs , and fond ( but well dissembled ) desires , which are esteemed common duties , and a general homage to all commers ; and in these things wherein his vassals are the oftest pressed , they expose or tender onely the lips or the hands , except in some particular places where they add the breast : but in this Palace of Good Fortunes , tribute is taken of all , both of Nature and of Art ; of all kindes , handsome and homely ; and of all sorts of Animals young or old ; of all Offices and Imployments , both in Citie and Countrie ; keeping the Courts always open to receive their payments both night and day . The most eminent and most inaccessible place , is the grand Magazin , fraught and filled with all sorts of Curling-Irons , Boxes ▪ with Black-patches , Sweet-powders , Looking glasses , Masks , Ribbans , Hair-Bracelets , Pocket-Tortoise-Combs , Beard-irons , Essences , Cordials , Gums , Pomatums , and other like necessary Utensils : and round about this Magazin are the workmen , some of which are imployed to cut Patches , and lay platforms how hese Murderers must be planted for the best advantages , and to do the greatest execution ; which onely the Master-workmen dare undertake , to compose artificial Beauties , to slabber over the Nose , and blanch the hands ; to make all kinds of new-fashioned Trimmings , colored Plumes , and sweet Nose-gayes of all sorts of Flowers , and those in all seasons of the year , &c. Some make profession of a new art of moulding and fashioning of Ladies breasts , undertaking to conceal those which are over-big , and to add a just proportion to those that are less perceptible . But their best workmen are the new-fashion mongers , Screen-fan-makers , expeditioners of Sweet-meats , and Collations , Introducers to Plays , and Plotters for private Walks ; and nothing is more dearly bought , or further fetched then a craftie cloak to hide a wanton visie , or a quaint excuse to lye alone one night , when to be sure some stinging Flea creeps in , and if discovered , then handsomely to pretend some rash mistake , or some other such like peticoat-slight , as the wit of a Chamber-maid is always furnisht withal . A little without the Citie there are Publick Schools for the industrie of the young Fry , where of the seven liberal Sciences they observe two onely ; to Say well , and to Do ill . Here you may go whistle and save your labour , as well as to come to meet with the shadow of a Philosopher , or to hear any Lectures read . And for the Laws of Nations , they make use onely of the rights of Nature , and common customs Nor do they much care to be great Doctors : everie peculiar man here , is both his own Teacher , and his own Auditor . There are some few Gewgawiasters , who give themselves wholly to the invention of Novelties , in Games , Buildings , or A ●a-mode Fashions ; he whose device is the most exqui●ite amongst them , according to his invention hath a place assigned him . He that first devised to blow out bubbles of Sope and Spittle forth of a Wall-nut shell , is of as great renown amongst them , as ever was the first Printer or Gun-founder amongst us of Europe . These Gewgawiaster are in great esteem there , yea and amongst the meaner sort also ; insomuch , that many of them will not put out some new A-la-mode whimsical devises without their directions ; yet these are counted Scholars indeed , for the wisest of them spend all their time in great licentiousness : but that which is most honourable amongst them , is , that they have given the Authority of Regencie to persons of Quality , who ( how ignorant soever they are ) sit in the Chair . The Women also keep the Academies , where all run a Tilt , and are very skilful to run at the Heart ; they finde the Rings , and the men the Launces , and all other the like expences . There are certain-hangers on , who would ●ain get some allowance out of these publick Schools : These Fellows are like your Italian Mountebanks , who draw the people together to see the effects of some rare Unguento , distilled water , or some other strange Engines : these cheats and impostures would make these Academians understand ( which as fond as they are ) they are resolved ( that as they cannot , so they will not ) that out of the basest Metals , by a secret Art ( and that by St. Patrick a gainful one too ) can draw the purest Gold. But in faith they did but laugh at them , and let wiser men but see and consider the toylsome folly of these extractors : they are gull'd , and gull'd , and terribly gull'd themselves ; yet can they not finde in their hearts to give over . A sort of them of late ( as I was there informed ) would needs go to the Oracle of the Castle of the Goddess Fortune , to know the event of that weighty business they had in hand . The Oracle presently gave them this answer , Travailez ; that is , Take pains . Pho , home they come , as if they had gotten their God Mamm●n in a Box : and forward they went with their Circulations , their Sublimations , their Conjunctions , their Fermentations , ( their hard words ) till all this headless action ended in put refaction , until Reputation and Revenues were both dead and rotten ; whereas Libanius , one of their Authors , if these Fellows were in their right wits , hath set them down the true definition of Alchimy : Alchimi● est ars sine arte , cujus scire est pars ●um parte , medium est strenue mentiri , finis ; mendicatum iri . And A●rosto , that excellent Italian Poet deals as plainly with them in his Orlando Furioso : Thus each man seeks to be an Al●●ymist , Till all be gone , and be his number mist . Whereas indeed , the Oracle gave them better counsel then they could comprehend , Travailez , Take pains , that is , A Ma●●ock and a Spade will get you gold So●ner then Chimistry a thousand-fold . These Accademians are so unfortunate to have some ▪ amongst them also which are called Poets , who are never here likely to be crowned with Lawrel , ( because that ●re● is an enemy to the Vine : ) nor yet with Ivie , for they are none of Mi●ervaes Birds . These drunken Rimers here with their Trade , are not able to purchase Ale , much less Sack. They are the very off-scum of the basest rabble on the surface of the Earth ; I was grieved to the vary heart , to hear that any should give them that sacred name of Poet , as Antigenides in his Apuleius was , that Horn winders should be called Corneteirs . They are the veryest Lack latines , and the most unalphabetical Rake-shames that ever bred Louse : they cannot make two doughty rythmes in their Mother tongue in two hours ; and yet these cocking , narrow-brim'd , tinder-cloakt-shagrags , confederates with Tale-tellers , Jestbreakers , made a shift to live by other mens Trenchers ; these Flyes are drunk in every mans Glass ; every Country is thwackt with them , as an Orange is stuck close with Cloves ; they fill all Ordinaries , Ale-houses , Coffee-houses , and intrude into Taverns with their Epistles , Encomiums , Stanzaes , Anagrams , Acrosticks , Epigrams , Epithalamiums , Madrigals , Elegies , Epitaphs , ( the Devil in Buckrom knows what ) all the Pedlary ware of Parnassus , such as would make you blind , if you were to see them , and would blister your ears , and make you deaf to hear them read : these are those that have the managing of Masques at boarding and petty Schools , and dispose of the Pageants at the Lord Mayors Shews , and do also bear the sway , and usurpover the new Ballad-singers . Having thus given you an account of their publick Schools , I shall now acquaint you with another place , frequented with the bravest Wits amongst them : it is a noble Edifice which serves for a publick Library for the Amoroso's and Amoretta's ; it is built of ridiculous imaginations , seldom accomplished wishes , and furnished with several Manuscripts , hitherto unknown in our vulgar language , as Canting , whereof these are the chief and the most studied . The Mystery of Folly in three Volumes ; the first is the Simpletons address ; the second is the Introduction to the Bedside ; and the last is the Idiots behaviour there . The Observations of the Heavens , to know the just time and tyde of Oportunity . The trick to frizzle and curle the hair according to the features of the face . An Epitome of such Amoretta's as repented before the latter Season , with a recital of their disgraces who have been constrained to do so to their great regret . The invention how with a little cost to gain much honour . A Receipt book to cure long and troublesome Tumours and swellings . The Misfortunes of an admirable Lady whom none ever courted without a Jeer. The Contrasto of a pair of Amoretta's upon the question , whether it were better to have a discreet or an adventurous lover , resolved in favour of the last . The Master - peece or Formulary of familiar Declarations to be made in secret , and the different tones of the voices to be used , with an exact observation of the when and where most convenient for the important Mystery . The troubles of a perplexed Virgin , who having her choice of two Amorosoes , fainted at the difficulty of the Election , and after resolved to make use of both , that she might no more endanger life . The disguised Barod , wherein is discovered the Mystery of negotiating without being suspected , either by old Mothers or young Husbands . The Mediation of the Waiting-Maids , with instructions how to cajole them handsomely , and gain any servants good will and assistance . The Art of Cheating on both sides , first to pick the pocket , and then deny the pleasure . These Manuscripts and Books were written by several Authors ; they are to be seen and perused in no other place but in this Library , where they are all of them chained , and not to be removed from thence : be that travels thither , and comes off generously with the Bibliothecary , may satisfie himself further , as concerning their more secret contents . Within this City there are places ordained for Fine Petticoat-Skirmishes , and gilded Chariot-Turnaments . Now fine Petticoats are certain kinde of Animals that have neither feet nor teeth , but yet are very costly . There are some Petticoats which are onely of puff-work : these are subject with the least gale or gust of temptation , seconded with a fit opportunity , easily to be blown about their ears . There are other Petticoat-Emissaries which are the onely News-carriers from the Palace of Good Fortunes , but in favour onely of such as will be conducted by them . Some likewise are Cross-grain'd Liveries , which a Husband never sees , but that these displeasing objects make him to have sore eyes ; howsoever ( he saves nothing by it ) he must perform his duty unaskt-for , he must nevertheless bestow them against his Will. As for gilded Chariots & Coaches , they are pretty Engines to trundle wealthy Amoroso's and Amoretta's about in . These have sometimes four Beasts to draw them without , and half a dozen Butter-Flies riding within . The first that enter Maiae's Park , are not always the happiest , but rather the last ; for these being freed from the throng , they may the better execute their brave designs , advance , retreat , thrust forward , cast flaming Darts without burning , discharge Pistols without noise ; amongst which many other of the City-Coaches are suffered to exercise , which though they make not so much noise , do as good execution , and many times come off and on with as great applause . In fine , amongst all their ordinary divertisements , this Mystery is the most publick , and yet the least understood ; and those which cannot unriddle their winks and nods , and the Stenography of their black patches , their smiles and other subtile gesticulations , will take it onely for a confused noise and throng of Coaches , able to cause the Meagri● in ones head . Nor is it more facile to finde out the nocturnal secret of their invisible Musick , which serves often but for a vail for their more private occasions , and is but a kinde of a troublesome confused noise to all that live nigh them , though it be a pleasing occupation for those who love to make merry at others costs ; whereas , those which some Gallants call the Evaporared Ladies , will dance in any place without a Fiddle , sing good Prick-song without Book , and speak all things without fear or wit ; nor do such harbour any malice , if you will believe them . The Ladies of this Court , as of others , do not all of them affect the same ways ; for some climb over the Mountains of Advancement , others creep under the Hedge of Liberty and Toleration ; but most love the close way of secret solitude , and ● favourable opportunity . There are some of this Sex likewise , that now and then also chuse the Golden Path ; but that is for the most part when they are absolutely necessitated , and led into it , by those two bad Guides , old Age and small desires . But the best way for them , is a ●ittle of the one , and a little of the other ; half Water , and half Wine ; and will be a great advantage to all such as can undergo a little , please a little , expect sometimes , and undertake other times , like Dutch-men , sail with every wind ; and indeed such as these are ever most welcome to Prince de l' Amour's Court. The Lady that is most cherished in the whole Court , and whose counsel is most followed , is the Mode ; she is originally of France , a little wanton , but not unpleasing ; her humour is fantastical , and very various ; she condemns easily without any cause , that which she esteemed without a reason , and makes the Caprichios of some renowned Amoretta , become a Law to all the Kingdom : she is Controuler of all new-fashioned Stuffs and Colours ; and as Women cannot confine themselves within their just bounds and limits , but desire willingly to extend the same ; so she undertakes for all things , yea , to their very language , insomuch , that none dare either do or say any thing , but it must be A-la-mode ; yea , she hath so great a Vogue , and is become so puissant , that having stripp'd all other Amoroso's and Amoretta's , of whatsoever they possessed , to appropriate it to her self , if you ask any of them now what Hair have you ? what Ribbands ? what Head-tyes ? or the like ; they answer all , 't is A-la-mode ; nay , even their smiles and their gate is A-la-mode : In fine , 't is a general obligation to have nothing of their own , all must be A-la-mode . But the most active person in this Court is an old Italian , named Intrigue ; she is of an obscure birth , and hitherto Historians cannot discover either her Father or her Mother : she always goes Mask'd , whether for the deformity of her Vi●●ge , or to keep her self the most concealed she can , is uncertain . One cannot truly tell how she is habited , by reason she is so disguised : sometimes she adorns her self like a great Person , sometimes she dresses her self like a Beggar ; yea , sometimes she hides her self under a Frock of as many different colours as a Painters Apron , getting by this means free entrance into those places , where otherwise she would become suspected . Sometimes she is like a Gypsie or Fortune teller ; at other times she acts the part of a Pedlaress , and trades in Pins and Needles , Cut-works , Fanders-Laces , with all manner of such like bables . She walks more by night then by day , and oftner rides in a Coach then she goes on Foot : she never speaks but softly , and most commonly whispers in the ear : she vents nothing but deceipts , troubles , brawls , separation of body and goods , all manner of horn'd mischiefs . In fine , this good woman is a dissembling , ill-wishing , and the most wicked Beldam in the World , who nevertheless hath free access into the stateliest Closets , Bed-chambers ; yea , even into Hermits Cells , and other places , both prophane and holy . Besides these two already-discovered great Mysteries , those that are most welcome , and most sought for in all this Court , are the ill-match'd ones , not so called for any defect of Grace or Ornament , but beause they are young beauties condemned to suffer under the Tyranny of some old , doting , impotent , jealous sot ; these seek for redress from the Privy-Council of Prince de l' Amour , where ( Justice taking place ) they obtained a dispensation , either to maintain a lusty Gentleman-usher at home , or to wander abroad ; and according to the dictates of their Consciences to enjoy all their own Liberties . Besides these strange Cattle , there were those that would force you ( whether you would or no ) to look and gaze upon them ; these were called the besmeared ones , of which there are three sorts ; the White-Plaisterers , the Red-Painters , and the Varnish-Daubers , which last Flye the Sun as much as the other shun the Rain . Some of these their naked parts are so crossed over with over-gross paintings ( as they use in M●scovia ) that you would imagine you saw some Statue or Westminster-Tomb , rather then a living Creature ; such a Cart-load of false colours ensconce their fairest beauties . To draw to a conclusion ; amongst these Ladies there are the Admirable ones , which nevertheless have nothing to be admired of them , but the name . And then the Precious ones , which at present were very common and cheap . The Ravishing ones , that commit more rapes upon the purse then the hearts . There are also the Perplexed ones , that have still ten plots in their heads , and twenty Gallants at their heels . Together with the little Mincing Minions , which ordinarily have as slender wits as wastes . There were some also that have the titles of Saints , right Saint - touch-me-not , that would seem to be meer Platonick Idea's , which refuse all before the World , and deny nothing in a corner ; Cum multis aliis . The Air of this Country is so temperate and wholesome , that one seldom hears of any great maladies there ; and if an Amoretta findes but the least change in her complexion , as any apparent redness , or the like , she makes her complaints to all the World , as if it were a most grievous out-rage that Nature had committed against Love : nor are they hindred from keeping their beds , provided that it be for some advantage to diversifie their game , or any other interest , which experience alone can teach them . But indeed there is nothing more delightful to behold in all this City , then the Flying-hearts , of which it is very full : they are covered with Flames and large Wings ; and 't is to be admired their Flames are so moderate , they do not scorch their Plumes : they court all the Ladies they meet , and tell them fine things in their ears ; but are not much sollieitious , whether they be respected or disdained : these are a Sect by themselves , whose Founder , 't is said , was one certain Hylas ; they have taken the History of Inconstant Lovers for their Directory , and their Motto is , Qui plus en aime , plus aime : in one and the same conversation , they pearch upon one Ladies shoulders , on anothers head , in a thirds lap ; and are so tame , that they may easily be taken by any fair ones hand : they do homage to this Ladies Eyes , to that Ladies Hair , and pay tribute to their lips and breasts : they flye at all , and stay with none ; laugh at every Lady , and are scofft at again ; for these Flying-hearts can laugh as well as speak . Expect not here ( gentle Reader ) any exacter description of this Country , either of how I found it , or how I left it : you may better inform your selves , if you please but to take pains to give it such a visit as I did : if at your arrival there you do not sinde these Countries , as I described them to you , blame not any defect in me : for their forms of Government are so continually altered , that one may describe ye the shape of Proteus , or the colour of a Chamaelion , or tell ye what weather it will be to morrow , sooner then tender you any true knowledge of their discipline . For my part , I give the Portugals free leave to brag of their travels and large discoveries ; I reached to the hight of my ambition , when with safety I saluted my Native Soyl. Farewel . FINIS . ●●oks lately Printed for Francis Kirkman , and are to be sold at his Shop tender St. Ethelboroughs Church within Bishops-gate , London . 1669. THE English Rogue ; described in the Life of Meriton Latroon a Witty Extravagant , being a compleat Di●●very of the most Eminent Cheats of both Sexes . The ●●rst Part. The English Rogue ; continued in the Life of Meriton Latroon , and other Extravagants , comprehending the most ●minent Cheats of most Trades and Professions . The ●econd Part. Poor Robin's Jests : or , The Compleat Iester ; being a Collection of several Jests not heretofore published , now ●wly composed and written by Poor Robin , Knight of the ●urnt-Island , and Well-willer to the Mathematicks . The ●●rst , Second , and Third Parts . Venus Looking-glass , or a Rich Store-house of Choice ●rollery , in Pro●e and Verse . Psitta●orum Regio ; or , The She-Lands , with a De●●iption of other strange adjacent Countries in the Domi●●ons of Prince de l'Amour , not hitherto found in any Geo●●aphical Map. By one of the late most reputed Wits . Poems of divers sorts , and three New Plays ; viz. The Obstiuate Lady , a Comedy . Trappo●●● suppos'd a Prince , a Tragi-Comedy . The Tragedy of Ovid. The Spightfull Sister , a Comedy . Money 's an Asse , a Comedy . All these are newly Printed , and to be sold as aforesaid ; ●ere you may be furnished with all the Plays that were ●r yet Printed , and all sorts of Histories and Romances , ●●ch you may buy or have lent you to read on reasonable ●nsiderations . Also you may have ready Money for any ●●ary , or other parcel of Books .