The husband his own cuckold a comedy, as it is acted at the Theater in Little Lincolns-Inn-Fields, by His Majesty's servants / written by Mr. John Dryden ... Dryden, John, 1631-1700. This text is an enriched version of the TCP digital transcription A36717 of text R3993 in the English Short Title Catalog (Wing D2403). Textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. The text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with MorphAdorner. The annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). Textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish.This text has not been fully proofread Approx. 183 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 35 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. EarlyPrint Project Evanston,IL, Notre Dame, IN, St. Louis, MO 2017 A36717 Wing D2403 ESTC R3993 12702853 ocm 12702853 65969

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Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A36717) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 65969) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 688:17) The husband his own cuckold a comedy, as it is acted at the Theater in Little Lincolns-Inn-Fields, by His Majesty's servants / written by Mr. John Dryden ... Dryden, John, 1631-1700. Congreve, William, 1670-1729. Dryden, John, 1631-1700. [12], 56 p. Printed for J. Tonson ..., London : 1696. With a preface by John Dryden, and prologue by Congreve. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. eng shcnoThe Husband His Own CuckoldDryden, John, Jr1696310292290000073.8D The rate of 73.8 defects per 10,000 words puts this text in the D category of texts with between 35 and 100 defects per 10,000 words. 2002-07 Assigned for keying and markup 2002-08 Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2002-10 Sampled and proofread 2002-10 Text and markup reviewed and edited 2002-12 Batch review (QC) and XML conversion

THE HUSBAND His own CUCKOLD .

A COMEDY .

As it is Acted at the Theater in Little Lincolns — Inn — Fields , By His MAJESTY'S Servants .

Written by Mr. John Dryden , Jun.

Et Pater Aeneas , & Avunculus excitet Hector . Virg.

LONDON ,

Printed for J. Tonson , at the Judge's-Head in Fleetstreet , near the Inner Temple-Gate , 1696.

TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE Sir ROBERT HOWARD , &c. SIR ,

ATrifle of this kind is so little worthy your attention , that I know not how to make a fair way for its appearance , and beg you to give it audience . The Muses are become so prostitute , that every Enthusiast begets a work on 'em ; Plays are grown meer Foundlings , and generated so fast , that we find one or more laid at the door of every Noble-Man ; and these impudent Begetters are not satisfy'd that you give their unlawful Issue a maintenance and reering , but have the Conscience also to expect a Reward for easing themselves on you of their ungodly burthen . Sir , I must confess I am little better than a lewd Sinner of this Order , but have so much Grace and Modef●…y at least to require no Recompense where I ought to be begging Pardon for committing a slip of this nature . I am confident I cou'd not chuse a more indulgent Foster-Father ; and tho' my very Name bears an accusation against me , yet I have the honour also to be related to the Muses by the Mothers side ; for you your self have been guilty of Poetry , and a Family Vice is therefore the more excusable in me , who am unluckily a Poet by descent . Poe●…e is a Noble Exercise , and like a reserv'd Game seems intended wholly for the recreation of Learned Gentlemen , or such at least as have had liberal Education , and these have still succeeded best in it : But we see the illiterate breaking in daily on the Quarry , and even those assuming , to themselves the name of Poets , who never had any other call to that Art beside the hope of a third day . If one half of us who set up for making Plays , understood what Horace says in these Lines , it may be we should not vainly presume to think our selves what indeed we are not .

Descriptas servare Vices , operumque Colores , Cur Ego , si nequeo , ignoroque Poeta salutor .

Shakespear among all the Writers of our Nation may stand by himself as a Phoenix , the first and last of his Order ; in whom bounteous Nature wonderfully supply'd all the parts of a great Poet , and Excellent Oratour ; and of whom alone one may venture boldly to say , that had he had more Learning , perhaps he might have been less a Poet. 'T is certain the good nature of the Town suffers any thing for the sake of Novelty and Entertainment , however meagre , and the encouraging some miserable Writers , is to be allow'd more an act of Charity than Judgment ; for tho' Poverty be generally the end of a Poet , I think it is but a very lamentable beginning . There is a large difference between those , who following the itch of gaining empty applause , mispend their time in writing themselves into necessity , and such who spend their time in writing themselves out of it ; and where the Muse begins with the want of a Meals-meat . The former might be any thing else better than what they chuse to be ; the latter , because they can be nothing else , wou'd fain be Poets . 'T is dangerous making a Pastime of any one thing so long , that at last we are glad to embrace it as a Profession ; like those , who after they have melted all their Substance in search of the Philosopher's-Stone , are forc'd in the end to turn Chymists . But of this enough ; for I am already conscious to my self of deviating something from my Theme , and can only form this application out of what I have said , that you , Sir , have prudently known how to make the best use of your Excellent Talent in this kind , by applying it to your diversion , and the unbending your Mind . By these means , you have happily given our Country a great Poet in your Writings ; and at the same time have not omitted the more necessary part of giving her a Great States-Man , and Heroe ; to which Emi●…ncy your Birth , Courage , and Capacity have equally rais'd you . And shou'd I enlarge on these Heads , I am confident the World wou'd not tax me of the least flattery , and I shou'd only be guilty of not giving you your due ; but you are reserv'd for a better Pen , and silence therefore is a good fault in me . I have only now to beg pardon for sending so mean a Trifle so long a Voyage ; 't is so full of faults I know not how to give it the name of a Play. The Italians when they know not what to make of a thing , call it Un Pasticcio Inglese , what kind Complement they intend our Country in the Expression I know not , but I believe they mean no better than a Hotch-podge . 'T is my first Poetical Cookery of this sort , and whatever it be , I humbly submit it to your Censure , but more to your Patronage ; and with it ,

Sir , Your most oblig'd humble Servant and Nephew , John Dryden . Rome , August the 20th , 1695. New-Style .
THE PREFACE OF Mr. Dryden , to his Son's Play.

I Have thought convenient to acquaint the Reader with somewhat concerning this Comedy , though perhaps not worth his knowledge . It was sent me from Italy some years since , by my second Son , to try its fortune on the Stage : And being the Essay of a young unexperienc'd Author ; to confess the truth , I thought it not worthy of that honour . 'T is true , I was not willing to discourage him so far , as to tell him plainly my Opinion , but it seems he guess'd somewhat of my Mind , by my long delays of his expectation : And therefore in my absence from the Town last Summer , took the boldness to Dedicate his Play to that Person of Honour , whose Name you will find before his Epistle . It was receiv'd by that Noble Gentleman with so much Candor and Generosity , as neither my Son nor I cou'd deserve from him . Then the Play was no longer in my power , the Patron demanding it in his own right , it was deliver'd to him . And he was farther pleas'd , during my Sickness , to put it into that Method in which you find it ; the loose Scenes digested into order , and knit into a Tale. As it is , I think it may pass amongst the rest of our New Plays ; I know but two Authors , and they are both my Friends , who have done better since the Revolution . This I dare venture to maintain , that the Tast of the Age is wretchedly deprav'd , in all sorts of Poetry , nothing almost but what is abominably bad can p●…se . The young Hounds who ought to come behind , now lead the pack , but they miserably mistake the scent . Their Poets , worthy of such an Audience , know not how to distinguish their Characters ; the Manners are all alike inconsistent and interfering with each other . There is scarce a Man or Woman of God's making in all their Farces : yet they raise an unnatural sort of laughter , the common effect of Buffoonry ; and the Rabble which takes this for Wit , will endure no better , because 't is above their Understanding . This account I take from the best Judges , for I thank God , I have had the grace hitherto to avoid the seeing or reading of their Gallimaufries . But 't is the latter end of a Century , and I hope the next will begin better . This Play I dare assure the Reader is none of those ; it may want Beauties , but the faults are neither gross , nor many . Perfection in any Art is not suddenly obtain'd ; the Author of this , to his misfortune , left his Country at a time when he was to have learn'd the Language . The Story he has treated , was an Accident which happen'd at Rome , though he has transferr'd the Scene to England . If it shall please God to restore him to me , I may perhaps inform him better of the Rules of Writing ; and if I am not partial , he has already shewn , that a Genius is not wanting to him . All that I can reasonably fear , is that the perpetual good success of ill Plays may make him endeavour to please by writing worse , and by accommodating himself to the wretched capacity and liking of the present Audience , from which , Heaven defend any of my Progeny . A Poet indeed , must live by the many , but a good Poet will make it his business to please the few . I will not proceed farther on a Subject which arraigns so many of the Readers . For what remains , both my Son and I are extreamly oblig'd to my dear Friend Mr. Congreve , whose Excellent Prologue was one of the greatest Ornaments of the Play. Neither is my Epilogue the worst which I have written ; though it seems at the first sight to expose our young Clergy with too much freedom . It was on that Consideration that I had once begun it otherwise , and deliver'd the Copy of it to be spoken , in case the first part of it had given offence . This I will give you partly in my own justification , and partly too , because I think it not unworthy of your sight . Only remembring you that the last line connects the sense to the ensuing part of it . Farewell , Reader , if you are a Father you will forgive me , if not , you will when you are a Father .

Time was when none cou'd Preach without Degrees , And seven years toil at Universities : But when the Canting Saints came once in play , The Spirit did their bus'ness in a day : A Zealous Cobler with the gift of Tongue , If he cou'd Pray six hours , might Preach as long : Thus , in the Primitive Times of Poetry , The Stage to none but Men of sense was free . But thanks to your judicious tast , my Masters , It lies in common now to Poetasters . You set them up , and 'till you dare Condemn , The Satire lies on you , and not on them . When Mountebanks their Drugs at Market cry , Is it their fault to sell , or yours to buye ? 'T is true , they write with ease , and well they may , Fly-blows are gotten every Summers day , The Poet does but buz , and there 's a Play.

Wit 's not his business , &c.

PROLOGUE , Written by Mr. 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Mr. Betterton . THIS Year has been Remarkable two ways , For Blooming Poets , and for Blasted Plays . We 've been by much appearing Plenty mock'd , At once both tantaliz'd , and over-stock'd . Our Authors too , by their success of late , Begin to think third days are out of date : What can the Cause be , that our Plays won't keep , Unless they have a Rott some Years like Sheep ? For our parts , we confess we 're quite 〈◊〉 To read such Weekly-Bills of Poets damn'd . Each Parish knows 't is but a mournful Case When Christnings fall , and Funerals encrease . Thus 't is , and thus 't will be when we are dead , There will be Writers that will ne'er be read . W●…y will you be such Wits , and write such things ? You 're willing to be Wasps , but want the stings . Let not your Spleen provoke you to that 〈◊〉 , ' Od●…ife you don't know what you do , Sirs , when you write . You 'll find that Pegasus has tricks , when try'd , Tho' you make nothing on 't but up and ride ; Ladies and all , I faith , now get astride . 〈◊〉 Characters , and Scenes , and Plots , Is grown as common now , as knitting Knots ; With the same ease , and negligence of thought , The Charming Play is writ , and Fringe is wrought . Tho' this is frightful , yet we 're more afraid , When Ladies leave , that Beaux will take the Trade : Thus far 't is well enough , if here 't would stop , But should they write , we must e'en shut up shop . How shall we make this Mode of Writing sink ? A 〈◊〉 said I ? 'T is a Disease , I think , A 〈◊〉 Tetter that 's not Cur'd with Ink. 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 it spreads , 'till each th' infection takes , And seizes ten for one that it forsakes : Our Play to day is sprung from none of these , Nor should you Damn it , tho' it does not please , Since born without the bounds of your four Seas . 〈◊〉 if you grant no savour as 't is new , Yet as a Stranger , there is something due : From Rome ( to try its fate ) this Play was sent , Start not at Rome , for there 's no Popery meant ; Where e'er the Poet does his dwelling chuse , Yet still he knows his Country claims his 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 an 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 - Born he sends , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , on you depends . Yet he 〈◊〉 hope some kindness may be shown , As due to greater Merit than his own , And begs the Sire may for the Son attone . There 's his last Refuge , if the PLAY don't take , Yet spare Young Dryden for his Father's sake .
EPILOGUE . Spoken by Mrs 〈◊〉 , Written by Mr. Dryden . LIKE some raw Sophister that mounts the Pulpit , So trembles a young Poet at a full Pi●… Unus'd to Crowds , the Parson quakes for fear , And wonders how the Devil he durst 〈◊〉 there ; Wanting three Talents needful for the Place , Some Beard , some Learning , and some little Grace : Nor is the Puny Poet void of Care ; For 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 our new 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , Have not much Learning , nor much Wit to spare : And as for Grace , to tell the truth , there 's scarce one , But 〈◊〉 as little as 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Parson : Both say , they Preach and Write for your Instruction : But 't is for a Third Day , and for Induction . The difference is , that tho' you like the Play , The Poet's gain is ne'er beyond his Day . But with 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 't is another Case , 〈◊〉 without 〈◊〉 , may rise to Grace ; The Poet 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 more , That if his Play be dull , 〈◊〉 Damm'd all o'er , Not only a damn'd Blockhead , but damn'd Poor . But Dullness well becomes the Sable 〈◊〉 ; I warrant that ne'er spoil'd a Priest's 〈◊〉 ; Wit 's not his Business , and as Wit now go●…s , Sirs , 't is not so much yours as you suppose , For you like nothing now but nauseous Beaux . You laugh not , Gallants , as by proof appears , At what his Beauship says , but what he wears ; So 't is your Eyes are tickled , not your Ears : The Taylor and the F●…rier find the Stuff , The Wit lies in the Dress , and monstrous Muff. The Truth on 't is , the Payment of the Pit Is like for like , Clipt Money for Clipt Wit. You cannot from our absent Author hope He should equip the Stage with such a Fop : Fools Change in England , and new Fools arise , For tho' th' Immortal Species never dies , Yet ev'ry Year new Maggots make new Flies . But where he lives abroad , he searc●… can find 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 Million 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 left behind .
Dramatis Personae . Sir John Crossit . Old Landy . Sir Timothy Shallow . ●…urch . Feewell , Kinsman to Old Landy . Bellville , in Love with Lucy . Doctor Lorman . Scrible , a Scrivener . Elliot , a Servant to Mr. Bellville's Unkle . Lady Crossit , Wife to Sir John. Mrs. Lucy , Old Landy's Daughter . Mrs. Lurch , Wife to Lurch . Phill , Woman to Mrs. Lucy . Grace AND Betty . Two Waiting-Women .
THE HUSBAND His own CUCKOLD .
ACT I.
SCENE I. Enter Sir John Cro●…it , and Lurch . Sir John.

NEighbour Lurch , I am heartily glad to see you , but why that melancholy Face , that Countenance in Eclipse , how goes the World Man ?

Lurch .

How goes the World , Sir John ? why how should it go with a marry'd Man ? I have been Marry'd a whole half year , in which time I have had more business on my hands than a Secretary of State , have rais'd more Out-works than any Governour of a Citadel to preserve my Wife's Chastity : In short , I am so broken and brought down with this blessed half year of Wedlock , that at the end of the next half , I am of Opinion I shall be Celebrated with the Anniversary of my Funeral ; the Doctors have almost given me over already .

Sir John.

And the Midwives too , Neighbour ; you have enter'd indiscreetly upon this business of Matrimony , without making some necessary reflections . Why , in the name of goodness , what cou'd provoke you with these some fifty years , as I modestly suppose on your back , at such an Age of ●…umbling to take a Girl of sifteen ?

Lurch .

Why , Sir John ? to answer you with the same freedom what you interrogate , this was my Reason ; you are not ignorant , as being my Neighbour , that I have thriven in the World ; having so done , I began to bethink my self of making a retreat from business , in order to enjoy the declension of my days as comfortably as I could .

Sir John.

In order to which , you took a Wife , a very pretty retreat from Business and the World , and an excellent Cordial for a Man in a declining Condition ; then to finish the happiness of your retreat , you are most abominably jealous , and take all the care imaginable to divulge it to the World , by depriving your Wife of those Christian Liberties which all Wise Men allow theirs ; as you order your affairs , Neighbour , you had as good make a publick Proclamation in the Streets of London , I have a pretty young Wife , who will make me a Cuckold , you do the same thing in effect already .

Lurch .

Sir John , I am oblig'd to you for the Summary you have been pleased to make of my present Condition ; but methinks in the first part of your Discourse , where you take notice of the little or no Comfort there is to be had in Marriage with so small concern , you seem to forget that you your self are a marry'd Man.

Sir John.

Forget , say you , that would be more than any married Man in Christendom could ever do yet ; but I remember it as seldom , and with as little regret as possibly I can : I have been married now these ten years , that is to say , I have served almost two Apprentiships to Matrimony , 't were hard if I were not Master of my Vocation .

Lurch .

So it should seem indeed , by your advising me to allow my Wife that Christian Liberty which you say all wise Men allow theirs ; 't is a Heathen Liberty , a Crime Capital , the broad Road to Cuckoldom .

Sir John.

I tell you , Neighbour , you talk like a meer Novice in Matrimony , give me leave to tell you , 't is in vain to consine them ; for the more Women are constrain'd and depriv'd of Liberty , the more eager they are in the pursuit of it ; if you vex them , they 'll cross you , 't is an original perverseness they inherit by Nature ; why , I tell you once again they are the crooked rib of Adam , they love nothing like cross purposos .

Lurch .

'T is well there are no Women here to hear you ; but still I say no liberty ; if I must be a Cuckold , I shall have this satisfaction at least , to be made one my own may .

Sir John.

'T is pity but your Wife should give it you ; i am afraid , Neighbour , I am afraid you have Capricorn gloriously ascending in your Nativity , you have a very foreboding look with you .

Lurch . Sir John ,

you that are so good at decyphering other Peoples looks , had best look at home ; since I am provoked to speak my mind , I have observed that there is a certain swindging two-handed well set black Doctor , who comes very often to feel your Lady's Pulse , I think they call him the Ladies Doctor in the Town , but he looks more like a Horn Doctor ; I am of opinion your Lady is not so often indispos'd for nothing .

Sir John.

You mean Doctor Lorman , that insignificant Fop Doctor , who has not the tenth part of the Learning of a Mountebank in Lincolns-Inn-Fields , a meer Crevat and Periwig one , who never knew beyond the composition of a Washball or a Pomatum , or how to prescribe a Clyster for my Lady's Lap-Dog . He is not the first Coxcomb that has pass'd with Women for a Man of Parts ; but to confess freely to you , Neighbour , I never yet suspected my Wife's Vertue with the Doctor ; I know her to be humorous and fantastick , and therefore as she is often troubled with little indispositions , I am willing to let her have the Doctor she fancies .

Lurch .

You take a very prudent course Sir John , according to your Maxim of Christian Liberty .

Sir John.

This it is to be in company with a Man that 's Jealous ; Neighbour , thou art just like those who are seis'd with the Plague , they are not satisfied to have the Disease themselves , but make it their business to infect others : all Husbands ought to avoid thee as the Contagion , thou art full of the Purples of Jealousie . But no more of this , here comes my Wife .

Enter Lady Cro●…it ; leaning on her Woman . Lady Crossit .

Oh! Grace , I am so very weak and faint all o' th' sudden , that except you hold me up , I shall scarely have strength to come to your Master . Oh , Sir John , where are you ? I have got such a dizziness in my , head , I can scarcely see from one end of the Room to the other .

Sir John.

What 's the matter , my Dear , what new accident has befallen you ?

L. Crossit .

Oh , Sir John , no new accident , 't is my old misfortune , the Vapours , a sudden faintness , a kind o●… a Falling-Sickness , that reigning Disease among Ladies of Quality . Oh! dear Sir John , send quickly , before I have another Fit , for that fin●… Doctor , who is so Famous for Curing the Ladies of their Vapours ; Oh , oh , I am ready to fall , I am so faint ; quickly , Sir John , quickly .

Sir John.

Have a little patience , my Dear , 'till I go to the door and give orders — Who 's without there ? d' ye hear ,

Goes to the door , Enter a Servant .

Run immediately and fetch your Lady's Doctor hither , desire him to come with all possible speed .

L. Cros.

O fie , Sir John , how you give a Message to a Doctor of such a Repute ! I find I must word it my self , tho' I am so very faint . D' you hear , Fellow , run quickly to the Gentleman your Master has mention'd , and present Sir John's humble service to him , and besure you remember to give mine in particular — This Fellow 's such a Sot he 'll never remember half the Message — And , do you hear , let the worthy Doctor know I have had a most violent Fit of the Vapours .

Exit Servant .

O ●…ie , Sir John , what Servants you keep , what a beastly leg the Fellow has made , and dirty'd all the boards of my Room .

Sir John.

My Dear , you take no notice of my Neighbour Lur●… here .

Lady Cros.

O Mr. Lur●…h , I protest I never saw you all this while , I am utterly ashamed of my self for being so unmannerly , pray Mr. Lurch how does the good young Woman do ?

Lurch .

Whom does your Ladyship mean , if I may be so bold ?

L. Cros.

I mean the good young Woman your Wife .

Lurch .

I left her at home very well , at your Ladyship's service , under Lock and Key .

Aside . L. Cros.

I need not ask you how you like a married Life , you are but in Hony-Moon yet .

Lurch aside .

If there be a hony-Month in Marriage , I should be glad to find it ; but I 'll swear I have felt nothing but the Sting , without one drop of the Hony hitherto .

Sir John.

My Neighbour is but a meer Bridegroom yet , my Dear ; by that time he has been as long Marry'd as you and I have been , he 'll be able to give a good account of it . What say you , Neighhour , to ten years of Matrimony ?

Lurch .

Why I say , Sir John , that in half that time Matrimony wou'd give a better account of me .

L. Cros.

I protest , Mr. Lurch , I forgot to ask you one Question , is your Wife never troubled with Vapours ?

Lurch .

O yes , of all sorts , Madam . I am sure she Hectors and Vapours me sufficiently .

Aside . L. Cros.

'T is a sign she is well born , for Vapours are more frequent among Persons of Quality , than those of mean Condition ; I believe I ▪ have the ablest Physician in all Christendom for removing of them .

Sir John.

Pray , Neighbour , let me recommend my Wife's Doctor to you , I 'll send him to visit your Spouse to morrow , or next day , or when you will.

Lurch .

No , Sir John , I am in no haste , I thank you , my Wife is in no such want of a Doctor yet , as yours .

L. Cros.

You need not fear our sending the Doctor to you , Neighbour , he 's not so easily sent ; he 's not a Person who runs after Patients , on my word , the whole Town runs after him . But what 's the reason , Neighbour , you did not bring your Wife along with you ? I warrant you have left her at home all alone ; sie , you do very ill , Neighbour , 't is enough to make a young Woman grow melancholy , and despair ; you ought to take her abroad , and air her sometimes .

Sir John.

Come , Neighbour , I know my Spouse will be glad of some Company , to pass away her indisposition ; come , I won't be deny'd , you must step home now immediately and bring your Wife to us , 't is a deed of Charity — But d' you hear , Neighbour , do not forget in returning , to come along with her .

Lurch .

You might have omitted your last Commands , for here 's a a swindging black Doctor to be here , who looks like a Bird of Prey .

Exit . Sir John aside .

So , I have taken a very good pretence to send him for his Wife ; the impertinencies of this Doctor , whom I expect every minute , will make the jealous Rogue ●…ass like a vext Wasp .

Lady Cros.

O 〈◊〉 , Sir John , why wou'd you send for Company ? I can't endure to receive Visits when I have got the Vapours : I am so indisposed at present , I am fit only to be seen by a Physician .

Sir John.

I thought 't was your desire , my Dear , I did it to procure you some Company to pass away time , and divert Melancholy , but you always pervert my good Intentions .

Lady Cros.

I 'de rather you 'd procure me a Physician : Oh , oh , I 'm so faint again all o' th' sudden , your Arm quickly , Grace , your Arm.

Enter Dr. Lorman . Grace .

Courage , Madam , here comes the Doctor .

The Doctor sets his Wig in order , then advances . Dr. Lorm.

Sir John , after having profess'd the more than ordinary Concern I had , when just now I was Informed by one of your Attendants , of the most unwelcome News of your very Honoured Lady's Indisposition ; I ought to make a just Apology for my appearance in this negligent and too familiar Habit : But I have been so pursu'd and persecuted by several Persons of Honour at home , for this whole Morning , that as I am a Professor of Physick , I have not had a Minutes leisure , to compose and put ▪ my self into a decent posture , in order to visit and attend those Patients , for whom I reserve so much esteem and respect , as I really do for your self , and much honour'd good Lady .

While the Doctor and Sir John Talk and Bow together . Lady Cros. aside to Grace

What do you think Graee , is he not a Comely , Proper , Well-set , Black Man ? He 's absolutely the ablest Physician in all Europe .

Dr. Lorm.

Worthy 〈◊〉 , you confound me with your Goodness . But that I may not neglect the great end for which I came hither , I must beg your permission to approach your Fair Lady , and take the Moments of her Pulse .

Sir John.

What a flourishing Coxcomb's this : A Patient might expire in the while he 's making a Compliment of Entrance , or setting his Wig in order .

Lady Cros.

O welcome , Doctor , I have been dying for you , absolutely dying for you , I have had such a terrible 〈◊〉 of the Vapours ; but the very sight of you has half Cur'd me already .

Dr. Lorm.

Why , that is not altogether impossible , Madam , for I have had several Patients , who have protested to me , that they have discover'd , I know not how to express my self , a Jenescay quoyness in my Physiognomy , that my very first appearance , I will not say has absolutely Cur'd them , but has given them a present ease from the Distemper under which they then labour'd ▪

Lady Cros.

Good Doctor feel my Pulse quickly ; how does it beat ? am I a Woman of this World or no ?

Feels her Pulse . Sir John. aside .

'T is a brawny Aesculapius , he 's able to beget a whole College of Physicians .

Dr. Lorm.

Madam , you have a very uneven disorder'd Pulse , it beats an allarm : But I shall order you a Tizan to rectifie it immediately , as also 〈◊〉 remove those Obstructions from your Head and Stomach , which gene●…te and beget Vapours .

Sir John. aside .

The Rogue has got the Trick of the French Doctors , ho prescribe a Tizan to every Disease .

Enter Lurch and Mrs. Lurch .

Neighbour Lurch ; I see you are a Man of your Word , you are doubly welcome now .

Lurch . aside .

Here is that Doctor whom Heaven confound .

Sir John.

Doctor Lorman , this is a worthy Neighbour of mine , and this a Fair Lady call'd his Wife , whom I recommend to you as a Patient , that she may li●… her self under the Protection of so able a Physician .

Lurch . aside to Sir John

Methinks you are very forward in recommending another Man's Wife , Sir John , but I shall desire hereafter , you wou'd neither list my Wife for a Patient , nor me for a Cuckold .

Dr. Lorm. to Mrs. Lurch

Madam , I cannot but harbour an exceeding Esteem for your person , in which , at the first view , I discover such transcendant Merits , and as I have dedicated my Self and my whole Art , to the Service of the Fair Sex , I should be infinitely transported , if ever I may be able to serve you in any particular of my Profession .

Mrs. Lurch .

Sir , I shall think my self highly honour'd , in being assisted by One , whose Famous Cures have sill'd all Eyes with admiration , and all Tongues with sufficient Matter of Discourse .

Lurch . aside .

So , she 's in with him already ; now am I all over in a sweat , I shall have him laying his brawny Fist on her Pulse immediately .

Dr. Lorm.

As for my Cures , Madam , ( but first let me beg the Honour of your Fair Hand to consult your Pulse ) as for my Cures , I say , they speak themselves .

Holds her by the Arm and Discourses , while Lurch endeavours to loose his Wife from him .

And though indeed my Publick Profession is of Physick , yet I dare aver , no Man in Christendom has a freer Hand in the Practical Part of Anatomy and Chirurgery .

Lurch .

O Lord , O Lord ! but you had as good depose my Wife's Hand , Doctor , that it may not be a hinderance to your Discourse .

Mrs. Lurch .

No , the Doctor does me a particular Favour , and if it be no burden to him , I am very well satisfied he continue it .

Dr. Lorm.

'T is impossible , a Fair Lady's Hand shou'd be a burden .

Mrs. Lurch .

I am much troubled with a Noise in my Head , Doctor .

Lurch .

And so am I , while your Tongue 's there .

L. Cros. aside .

I can bear this no longer , that he shou'd Court any other Woman in my presence ; I knew this devilish Company wou'd hinder me from enjoying him all my self ; but I 'll be even with Sir John for this .

The Doctor le ts go Mrs. Lurches arm , and her Husband slips his arm into its place , which the Dr. receives , not knowing it . Dr. Lorm.

But now I will acquaint the Company present of some precious Rarities of my own Manufacture .

Imprimis .

I have a most approv'd water-wash for the Face , call'd my Lac Virginis , which works wonders on the Fair Sex , in clearing and beantifying their Skins ; and this Rich Cosmetick not to be sold a Farthing under five Guineas the Bottle , absolutely the greatest Secret in th●… European World.

Lurch aside .

Absolutely the greatest Cheat in the whole Universe ; how the Rogue squeezes me .

Dr. Lorm.

Secondly , I have most precious Pomatoms of all sorts , of my own composition .

Thirdly , I have rare oyl'd Night-Gloves of right Roman Kid.

Fourthly , Plumpers for the help of decay'd Ladies who are Cheek-fallen ; Lead Forehead-Pieces , all manner of Night-vizards , or Face-moulds , with several other Gallantries of great consideration and importance ; but for fear of seeming vain-glorious , I shall pass by in silence the rest of my Abilities , and beg your Pardon , Madam , for keeping your fair hand a Prisoner so long , which I thus Salute , to expiate my Crime with all due —

Sees Lurch .

Sir , I am no Mountebank , I wou'd have you to know I am no Mountebank ; Sir , let me tell you , I seldom or never knew any Person who made a jeast of my Profession expire in his Bed — I am no Mountebank , Sir.

Lurch .

I know not whether I am in jeast with you or no , but I 'll swear you have been in earnest with me , this hand of mine which you have worry'd so , knows it very well .

L. Cros.

Mr. Lurch , Let me tell you that you have neither a capacity to distinguish , or good breeding in treating with such levity a Person so esteem'd for his many Vertues by all the World ▪

Dr. Lorm.

Madam , you mortifie me with your exceeding goodness , let the Gentleman alone , he will meet with his reward one time or other , as I said before .

Sir John.

Doctor , will you favour me to order the Tizan you mention'd for my Wife ?

Dr. Lorm.

You may command my Art , Sir John.

Sir John.

Who waits without , bring Pen , Ink , and Paper quickly .

Dr. Lorm. writes . Dr. Lorm ▪

Let your Lady take this , and I 'll pawn my Art it does the business , it wants only to be superscribed ; for when my Apothecary serves

Superscribes the Receipt .

a Person of Quality , he always makes use of his best Drugs .

Sir John.

Now you have oblig'd my Wife , Doctor , I have another Patient to recommend to you , which is my Wife's Lap-Dog , who is so troubled with the worms , he 's a very pest in the house .

Dr. Lorm.

Sir John , I receive particular consolation in the Proposal , and declare it to be one of the chief branches of my Profession , the knowing how to Cure those tender Creatures , who are so Lady-like in their Constitutions .

Begins to write .

What Appeliation or Nom de Guerre does your Ladyship use for your Dog , that I may superscribe ?

L. Cros.

Cupid .

Dr. Lo●… .

His Age , Madam ? that I may regulate the Dose .

L. Cros.

Two years old since Candlemas last past .

Dr. Lorm. Reads .

For Mr. Cupid , Lap. Dog to the Honourable the Lady Dorothea Crossit , this will suffice .

L. Cros.

Really I shall be overjoy'd when my Dog 's Cured .

Sir John.

I must put an end to this impertinence , Doctor , I have some business to dispatch this Morning , and therefore must beg your leave to —

Dr. Lorm.

Let me see what is it a Clock , this is my Governour ;

Looks on his Watch.

How , is 't possible it can be so late , I am a ruin'd Man ! certainly my Watch runs upon wheels , I shall lose my Reputation absolutely , I shou'd have made my whole tour of Patients by this time ; when a Man is once become necessary to the World , he is a Slave ever after . Ladies , I must suffer an unwilling divorce from your fair Companies .

L. Cros.

Adieu , Doctor .

Dr. Lorm.

Adieu , dear Madam .

L. Cros.

Adieu , dear , dear Doctor . Your Fee , Sir John your Fee quickly , and remember my Dog's Fee.

Aside to Sir John. Sir John presses the Dr. to receive the Fee , who at first seems to be repugnant . L. Cros.

You must force him to take it , my Dear ; he 's so modest .

Dr. Lorm.

O Lord ! Sir John , what do you mean to do ? O pray , Sir John , what do you mean ? Sir John ; your most humble Servant .

Sir John.

You shall give me leave to wait on you down Stairs .

●…rch .

Sir John , my Wife and I have been troublesom too long to you and your Lady , and therefore will take our leaves also .

Mrs. Lurch .

I hope , Madam , I shall find another occasion to shew how much I am your Ladyship 's most humble Servant .

L. Cros.

Madam , you may command me ; you will pardon me that I leave Sir John to accompany you ; I am so faint with the Vapours , I dare not venture out of doors .

Sir John.

Repose your self , my Dear , in your Chamber , and leave me to ●…rve the Company .

Ex. Sir John , the Doctor , Lurch , and his Wife . Lady Crossit and Grace remain . Grace .

Ay , you are much discompos'd , Madam .

L. Cros.

I am all confusion , prithee call 'em to Sing the Song I love .

SONG . HElp , help , ye Pow'rs Divine , For sure from you this Lightning came , That from his Eyes shot thorough mine , Down to my Heart a subtile flame . 2. I try to get 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 always in vain , For as fast as I fly , I fly with my pain . There 's nothing my Love and my Life can divide , For equally both to my Heart-strings are ty'd .
L. Cros.

D' ye hear , shut the door close : Well , we Ladies of Quality are all Slaves to our Waiting-Women . We are forc'd to trust them with our Secrets , and then they become our Mistresses :

Aside .

Have you shut the Door ?

Grace .

I have lock'd it on the inside , Madam .

L. Cros.

Do you remember , how many Rich Gowns and Petticoats , how many lac'd Pinners , Hoods , Scarfs , and Nightrails , I have given you , since the three Years you have serv'd me , together with many other Vails , Perquisites , and Profits you have enjoy'd in my Service ?

Grace . aside .

What Tune will this Prelude end in , I wonder !

L. Cros.

I do not call to mind my Favours ; implying , that you are ungrateful ; but only to encourage you to persevere in the Love and Duty you owe me , and in that Faithfulness and Secresie I have always found in you . Secresie , Grace , is a most necessary Gift and Accomplishment , for one in your Station .

Grace .

'T is a Gift with which very few of our Sex are bless'd .

L. Cros.

Art thou sure thou can'st be Secret Proof .

Grace .

I think I am , Madam .

L. Cros.

But 't is such a Secret , that if ever it shou'd be discover'd , especially by my Husband , I am a ruin'd Wife for ever . Hast thou the gift of Secresie ? May I make thee my Confessour ? But first to stop thy Mouth , I give thee that fresh Manteau and Petticoat I wore yesterday .

Grace .

Now , Madam , I am sure I have the Gift of Secresie , you may Confess with safety .

L. Cros.

Swear thou wilt be true to me .

Grace .

What Oath shall I 〈◊〉 by 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ●…hat ?

L. Cros.

Swear by any 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 .

Grace .

●…hen , may I never wear ●…ood , Scarf , Manteau , or Petticoat , more of your Ladyships , when ever I am guilty of betraying my Trust.

L. Cros.

Well , I must tell thee then , I am in Love , Grace ! O that Doctor , that Doctor , that Charming Doctor , I dye for him !

Grace .

'T is pity your Ladyship shou'd dye for want of a Physician .

L. Cros.

O , this Doctor will be the Death of me .

Grace .

That may be too , for 't is one part of his Profession .

L. Cros.

Didst thou never observe , how often I have chan●…d Colour at the sight of Dr. Lorman , my frequent Sighs , and languishing Looks , that have spoke too plainly my Passion ?

Grace .

Yes , indeed , I always thought your Ladyship had a kind of a grudging to him .

L. Cros.

Ah , wou'd it were no worse ; I love him even to Madness .

Grace .

Nay , now I find your Ladyship is 〈◊〉 a desperate Condition .

L. Cros.

Well , since I have made thee my Confident , I must inform thee what Service thou must do me in this Business . Knowing my Husband was to go to Barnet this day , and not return till to Morrow Morning , I went privately yesterday to the Change , and bought a dozen of the finest Holland Shirts , lac●…d with the best Flanders Lace I cou'd lay hands on : These I have put up in a Band-Box , and intend you shall convey 'em to Dr. Lorman , in form of a Present .

Grace .

A whole dozen of Shirts ! does your Ladyship intend he shall wear 'em all out in your Service ?

L. Cros.

Leave your idle Questions : I intend to place a Letter in the Band-Box , which will sufficiently unriddle the meaning of my Favours .

Grace .

I think the Riddle of your Favours is not so very dark , that it should want an Explanation : Those Coats of Arms , as soon as seen , are blazon'd ; and declare your Ladyship of the Family of Love , without a Herald to pronounce it .

L. Cros.

However , don't you fail in your Duty , and when the Doctor Reads my Letter , be sure you say a world of tender Things to him , such as I wou'd , were I present ; thou hast Wit at command .

Grace .

I warrant you , Madam , he 's ours ; he must be a Doctor of Marble , to resist such a Letter as you have writ . Besides , there 's a Present will bring him with a Vengeance .

Love and a Bribe will make him soon surrender , Such pow'rful Forces make all Hearts grow tender . Exeunt .
ACT II.
SCENE the Street . Enter Feewell , and Belleville , meeting each other . Feew.

DEar Harry , well met , may I presume to guess whither you are bound in such haste ?

Bell.

No , my Friend , I 'll ease you of that trouble , and let you know I am bound with all my Sails full to the Port of Love ; Mrs. Lucy , your fair Cousin , Rich old Landy's Daughter .

Feew.

'T is as I thought , you are a happy Man , you have the young Lady's heart , and ●…er Father's liking , you cannot fail of making a prosperous Voyage , and carrying the Golden-Fleece off in Triumph .

Bell.

True indeed , I steer as 〈◊〉 with fair weather , and a prosperous gale in sight of the Port ; but , my Friend , there are so many Sands , Rocks , and shallows to be pass'd e'er I can enter , that if a Man be not an expert Pilot indeed , he may perhaps founder in sight of it . I shall never think my self out of danger , 'till I have cast Anchor in the Harbour .

Feew.

Never doubt , your Person , Vertues , and Repute you have in the World , with the deserts of a Thousand Pounds a year , are sufficient to secure you , without other helps .

Bell.

Of which I must own your Friendship to be the chief ; but why does old Landy torture me thus with these delays and puts off ? it throws me into continual agonies , and 〈◊〉 .

Feew.

O my Friend , these Rich old miserable Fathers are always more considerate than other Men , they never clap up a Marriage in haste , but haggle to the last farthing , and love to have a lumping Penniworth of a Husband .

Bell.

I wish he were less Rich , then I wou'd convince him I value not his paltry dust , and that I Court your fair Cousin for her own sake , not for the sake of what he has to give her — But 't is late , and I must follow where my heart is gone before me .

Feew.

I am just now come from thence , and as soon as I have dispatch'd a word of business , at a house within half a stones cast , I shall be back again there as soon as you ; for I have to tell you , that I have already ●…ngag'd old Landy and his Daughter to be merry at a Dinner I have 〈◊〉 for 'em , where you , dear Harry , must oblige me to make one . Besides , you may have known that Lurch the Landlord of the 〈◊〉 where they lodge , has newly marry'd a young brisk Wife , with whom I have a small Intrigue in Embrio . My design is to get this young 〈◊〉 of 〈◊〉 dinner along with us , in which I desire your 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 my return , for the beast is not a little jealous of her ; he has carried her abroad somewhere this Morning , and was not return'd home when I left old Landy .

Bell.

Ah , Ned , Ned , wilt thou never leave this single sinful way of living ? hadst thou not as good take up in time , and end honourably in Matrimony ?

Feew.

I have no design to make an end so honourable as yet , this little World and I have something more to say to one another e'er we part . Well , fare you well , I 'll be with you in a minute .

Exeunt severally . Enter Lucy , and her Maid Phil. Lucy .

Where 's my Father , Phil ?

Phil. I saw him about a quarter of an hour since , Walking about , with starts and pauses , And talk'd , or rather mutter'd to himself , Some grumbling words . Lucy .

Cou'dst thou not distinguish any ?

Phil. Very little , yet I listen'd , for I fancy'd 'T was you that caus'd his staggering : But I cou'd hear nothing , but sometimes Too little ; a very scanty pattern ; then paus'd , and then , But this Girl , then paus'd agen , and then agen Repeated the words Too little . Lucy . What pow'r has Money in the mind it governs ? 'T will not allow Virtue to bear a price , Nor purchase any thing but its 〈◊〉 encrease , And yet afraid to use it . Phil. I hope , Madam , all will be well yet ; Sure Mr. Bellvill's merits will prevail . Lucy . Did he see with my eyes they wou'd , But Misers see no difference in Men , But what is made by Fortune . Enter Bellville . Bell. Oh! my dear Mistress , in what fears I languish , Your Cruel Father keeps me on a rack By his delay ; every look I take From your fair sight , gives a fresh Torment ; To think what Curses rise against me , To keep me from enjoying such a blessing . Kisses her hand Lucy . I have own'd enough for you to guess I share in your afflicton ; press him now To give his final Resolution . Bell. But if he shou'd deny , let me have yours ; And keep his slighted Wealth for his own load That clogs his greedy Soul. Lucy . O Bellville , tho' I love you Enough to share the lowest Fortune with you , I dare not shew it by a disobedience ; Though to a Cruel Father , one shake in any Vertue Will loosen all the firmness of the rest . Enter Landy . Bell. See where he comes , disturbance Hangs on his looks . Landy .

O Mr. Bellville , what , in your old pursuit ?

Bell. I have no other Object in this World To wish or hope for , but the long'd for Blessing Of your fair Daughter . Landy . And you forsooth , are languishing , I hope , As well as your warm Lover ; all in haste , Reason and Consideration are grown Enemies . Lucy . I hope , Sir , Mr. Bellvill's Merits Are a just Reason for my value of him . Landy . Yes , yes , send Vertue to the Market , And see what 't will purchase : Mr. Bellville , I have perus'd the Authentick Copies Of your Estate and Fortune ; I think It barely may amount to a Thousand Pounds per Annum . Bell. Were it a Thousand Millions , All were too little To present your Daughter . Landy . We are not talking of if it were , But what it is ; let me see , A bare Thousand , as we suppose at best , Is in troth too little , a very slender Patrimony . Lucy . You talk , Sir , as if all Content and Happiness Were only plac'd in R●…hes . Land. Hold your tongue , busie-box , when your Father Speaks , meddle not in the Matter , Huzzy ; 'T is I am to give the Money , you have nothing to give But your Consent , a thing not worth a Groat ; 'T is a fond property , that every Woman gives To the first Man she likes . You have been reading some vile Romance , Where the sine outside Fellow gets the Lady : I thought I had burnt all your Amorous Fables . Enter Feewell . Feew. What , in wrath , Mr. Landy , with your own Flesh And Blood ? Come , come , there 's a Haunch of Venison And a Bottle of Burgundy that stays for you , Will set all right agen . Landy . Angry , Cousin Feewell ! yes , very angry , 'T wou'd move a Milstone to speak ! The Gipsey interrupts me just as I am talking For her own good . Feew. You know , Mr. Landy , she 's an obedient Daughter . And you may kindly end these troubles ; Tell me , when is my Friend Bellville to be made happy With your fair Daughter ? Land. 'T is that I was discoursing of , Cousin , But things of Importance require a mature And weighty Consideration ; but she 's in haste , In a most Amorous haste ; let me see , A Thousand pounds per Annum — 〈◊〉 — a thousand pounds . Feew. So much my Friend has , I 'm sure , besides A considerable Personal Estate , which he 's so modest Never to mention ; this joyn'd to what you are Able to give , may be a fair provision To make a very happy Couple . Land. 'T is true , what I am able to give , I am able To give ; but by way of Bargain , and as I am A dealing Man , I am oblig'd to lay down no more In ready Moneys , than what 's equivalent to Mr. Bellvill's Estate . Feew. He has an Uncle , that has fifteen hundred A year , and no Child . Land. And may give it I suppose to whom he pleases . Besides , Mr. Feewell , there 's an old English Proverb , He that waits for Dead Mens shooes may go barefoot . Feew. But sure , Sir , you ought to regard a little The many Vertues and Deserts Which render my Friend capable To pretend to any Fortune . Land. Alas , Cousin , Deserts and Vertues Are meer Drugs now a-days , meer Drugs , No Man is lookt upon or esteem'd , But he that has Money , and where there 's most Money , There 's most Worship ; and commonly Your Men of great Vertues , are great Beggars . Feew. Our Fore-fathers , whom some will allow To be as Wise as we are , were of another Opinion . Land. What Fore-fathers d'ye mean ? A Company of ragged 〈◊〉 Philosophers , Who liv'd in Tubs , and Cellars , and worth nothing But what they carry'd about ' em . Feew. Yet that was a greater Treasure than Men ordinarily can now boast of . Land. What Treasure d' ye mean ; their numbers Of Vermin , and other troublesom Companions That infested them ? Feew. I mean their Knowledge and Content , Which Mony cannot purchase . Land. Nor cou'd their great Wisdoms purchase a groat , Look you , Mr. Bellville , we have been Discoursing your Concerns ; you have a zealous Friend , And I joyn with him in a just and far esteem of you , But that must not hinder my care and desire To see that Gipsie well setled ; nothing of Consequence Ought to be done in haste , we ought to look Before we leap ; I like your Person , and My Daughter likes you , but soft and fair goes far ; Time and Straw ripen Medlars . Bell. 'T is but just reason you shou'd have The satisfaction due to a Parent In this , and all things that concern your Daughter : But since you say you have no great objections Against my Estate , my Person , or Conditions , I humbly ▪ beg your Promise as an earnest Of all my future Happiness . Land. Well , I promise you , as I may say ; well , I do promise you . Enter Mrs. Lurch . Bell. May all the Happiness — Curse of her interruption . Mrs. Lurch . So , there 's Feewell , as I thought ; Aside . I must give him a hint that my Husband Is to go abroad this Afternoon To receive some Mony ; sure he 'll have sense enough To take the hint , and give a civil Visit. Though the Brute should leave me under Lock and Key , as sometimes he does : I have a Key as good as his , thanks To my Revengeful Ingenuity . Mr. Landy , your Servant ; your Servant Sweet Mrs. Lucy . Feew. You come , Madam , seasonably , if you please To grant me the favour of your most Agreeable Company , with the rest of your 〈◊〉 here , to do Pennance at a Poor Batchelor's Dinner . Mrs. Lurch . Were I absolute Mistress of my self , And my own time , I cou'd quickly resolve you How much more I esteem a Batchelor's Treat , As you call it , than what I am like to have At home with a Husband , who this Afternoon Goes to the other end of the Town About some earnest business , and leaves poor me All alone at home ; I know not how to spend My time alone , not I , I swear — besides , He is so wickedly Jealous , that if I do But look on a Man , as I may now on you , Mr. Feewell , he immediately thinks I intend To make him a Cuckold . She looks amorously upon him . Enter Lurch . Feew. What a Tottipottimoy Tyrant 't is , She has given me a hint , And I must improve it . Aside . Lurch . So , there 's my Prisoner broke loose ; I no sooner turn my back , but she Breaks Goal immediately ; and talking With Feewell , whose frequent Visits to My House have given me suspicion . Heigh day , how she 〈◊〉 and jetts her tail In and out — this can be no less than a Plot To Subvert the Government of her Annointed And Supream Head — but I shall dissipate The Conspiracy in a moment . Hark ye , Hark ye , Mrs. Wagtail , I have something To say to you , I have some earnest business With you , by the leave of this Gentleman With whom you are so close in Council . She starts ▪ Mrs. Lurch . Earnest business ! you have had no Earnest business with me the Lord knows when ; But you always interrupt me , if I am engag'd In Discourse with any one . Lurch . Very 〈◊〉 ! I shall make you know That you ought not to be engag'd with any But your Husband , Madam ; therefore I Command you , in virtue of Holy Obedience , To come away ; come away , I say , and do not Provoke me to make use of my Soveraign Authority . 〈◊〉 . 〈◊〉 , fie , Mr. Lurch , now you are 〈◊〉 severe Upon your 〈◊〉 , the Company have reason to take It ill ; this Warfare of your 〈◊〉 is 〈◊〉 , It 's enough to deter a young 〈◊〉 That are going to joyn hands . Mrs. Lurch . I am weary 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , I 〈◊〉 Forbear saying so ; he never 〈◊〉 me to see Any Company , or go abroad , but keeps me Under Lock and Key for whole days together , He had as good bury me alive . Bell. Come , Mr. 〈◊〉 , to make amends for the scandal You have given , I propose that you permit Your Wife to dine with us , and 〈◊〉 you also Be over-rul'd by the present Court , to do The same in order there , to make up this breach Of Wedlock , and give ample security for keeping The 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ▪ 〈◊〉 Feewell 〈◊〉 to Day , and will be pleas'd to have his Table 〈◊〉 with Good Company . Feew. ' 〈◊〉 my intention to have 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 , had Not you prevented my Request . Lurch . I have a strong 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 your 〈◊〉 Are , but I shall put a spoke 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . Aside . Land. 'T is a laudable 〈◊〉 , and I Am resolv'd to see it executed , and therefore I press you Mr. Lurch to muster with us , And the other moyety , your little 〈◊〉 , To be merry to day . Lurch . Me you may 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 my 〈◊〉 no Doubt may be prest , but now 〈◊〉 may Come in as a Volunteer . Land. Come , it lies on my 〈◊〉 To see this Domestick Fury 〈◊〉 ; Why Man , you are not 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , Shou'd you be left in this Fitt alone 〈◊〉 Your Spouse , in hot blood you ▪ Might be apt to exercise 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Upon her . Mrs. Lurch . Let him 〈◊〉 his 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 are already Ceas'd between 〈◊〉 , I fear no 〈◊〉 of Manhood he can do . Land. Come , no more of 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , Prepare for 〈◊〉 now but Mirth and Peace . Lurch . Well , well , I submit , I must go lay up Some Papers , and will be there as soon as You — Nay , Mistress , you shall along with me , You shall march with your Chief Officer , We 'll be with you presently . Exit with his Wife . Bell. How this Fellow with his Soliciting Jealousie prepares a Cuckoldom for himself . Enter Scrible , a 〈◊〉 . Scrible .

Save you , Mr. Landy .

Land. O Mr. Scrible , what News with you ▪ I hope my Mortgages stand good ? Scrib . O very safe , Sir ; but I have a business with you , That may deserve your privacy . Bell.

What a Devil brings this ill-look'd 〈◊〉 ?

Land. Pray Gent. oblige me To entertain your selves in the next Room , 'till I call you ; I know 't is no ▪ Unkindness to leave you together . 〈◊〉 all but Landy and Scrible . Now , Mr. Scrible , the business . Scrib . Why , Sir , I hope 't is that will be Acceptable to you ; but first give me leave To ask you , for I see Mr. Bellville Here , and there 's a Report he 's to have your Daughter Mrs. Lucy , I hope you are not engag'd ▪ Land. Why , Mr. Scrible ? he 's a Gentleman Of a fair Character , and an indifferent Competent Estate . Scrib .

But I hope you are not engag'd ?

Land.

Why , why , good Mr. Scrible ?

Scrib . Why , Sir , I am come with a Proposition To you , for a Gentleman of two Thousand a year , His Name Sir Timothy Shallow , of a good Family In the North ; the Shallows of Shallow-Hall have Been ancient there , his 〈◊〉 clear , and as Much as I tell you ; a plain honest 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , And a Justice of Peace , and of the Quorum ▪ Land.

How , how , two Thousand a year ?

Srib . Yes , as good a two Thousand as is in England , and the Gentleman himself , upon my Account of your Daughter , and what you were very well able to give , Is so earnest in the matter , that he wou'd needs Presently present himself to you . I have lodg'd him Hard by , at a Friend's House , 'till I made way For his Reception . Land.

Umh , this is very unlucky .

Scrib .

You 〈◊〉 troubled , Sir.

Land.

A little , Mr. Scrible .

〈◊〉 .

Do you not like my Proposition ?

Land. Yes , Mr. 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 like 〈◊〉 Proposition Very well ; yes , very well , but I am — Scrib .

What , Sir — you are much concern'd .

Land.

A little , Mr. Scrible — 〈◊〉 — two Thousand a year .

Scrib . Yes , Sir , fairly and 〈◊〉 , without any the Least incumbrance . Land.

I am unlucky .

Scrib .

I hope you have not 〈◊〉 your self ?

Land. Why , in troth I have 〈◊〉 a way , Or as one may say , in a 〈◊〉 Given my Consent . Scrib .

But have you 〈◊〉 any Agreement ?

Land. Not at all , not in the 〈◊〉 ; nay , I was not at all willing ▪ But always put off coming 〈◊〉 the matter , For I 〈◊〉 Mr. 〈◊〉 Estate Of the smallest ; but at last being Very much importun'd , I think I did say I consented , or promis'd , or something like it . Scrib .

And was this all ?

Land. Yes , the very all ▪ and no more ▪ And the word slipt 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 But just as you came . Scrib . Well , well , 〈◊〉 nothing in this Actionable , and therefore if you 〈◊〉 it ▪ I 'll fetch Sir Timothy presently , To present himself to you , and your Daughter , And if you agree , we 'll make short work Of it , to prevent tricks and devices . Land. Pray do , Mr. 〈◊〉 ▪ and in the mean time I 'll discourse the matter 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . 〈◊〉 A Man ought to do the Best he can for his Child , you know ; I 'll tell him So plainly , so pray 〈◊〉 the Knight . Two Thousand Pounds per 〈◊〉 , and a Lady At first dash ; not to be neglected . Without there — Exit Scrible . Goes to the door . Call in Mr. Bellville , and My Daughter , I shall make a 〈◊〉 Pother amongst 'em ; but my Daughter 's My Daughter , and if she be not wise enough , I ought to be so for her ▪ Enter Mr. Bellville , leading Mrs. Lucy and Feewel ▪ Mr. Bellville , I have often told you , that Prudence And Consideration ought to be us'd in Matters of Importance , and the bestowing A Child is a great one . Bell. I hope , Sir , you proceeded so when you Promis'd me the Happiness of your Daughter . Land. Soft and fair , good Mr. 〈◊〉 , your Importunities , and my Cousin Feewells , were So troublesome , that I think I did in a Manner , and as a Man may say , somewhat 〈◊〉 Utter something of Consent , Of to that purpose . Lucy . So much , Sir , that sure I cannot justly be Any others , but Mr. Bellvill's . Land. Again Prattle-Box , at your old way , to Meddle when your Father pronountes Matters For your good . Feew.

But your Reputation , Sir ,

Land. Ay , Sir , my Reputation shall be preserv'd . By keeping my self from being thought an Ass , By seeming not to know a Shilling from a Sixp●…nce . In short , I have receiv'd a Proposition , From a worthy Knight for my Daughter , With double Mr. Bellvill's Estate , I say double . Bell.

But , Sir.

Land. No buts , Sir , no buts , I am bound in Conscience , and must and will examine the Matter , Therefore no more words , they are but wind . The Knight will be here presently . Enter Sir Timothy Shallow and Scrible .

See where he comes .

Lucy .

Bless me , what a Figure ' t is .

Scrib . Mr. Landy , this is the worthy Knight I made the Motion for , who cometh in Person To present himself to you and your Fair Daughter . Land.

He is very welcome , Mr. Scrible .

Sir Timo. Your Servant , Sir , and as Mr. Scrible Told you , I come to offer my self a Servant to your Daughter . I suppose , Sir , this may be she . Land.

Yes , Sir , such as she is .

Sir 〈◊〉 . By your leave , Fair L●…dy , He Salutes Mrs. Lucy . By the Mass , I ne're blink'd my Eyne on A titer Lass , in gude Faith , Mr. La●…dy , You have a most bonny Daughter . Land. Why indeed , Sir Timothy , I think she is not Much a-miss , come , Lucy , hold up your Head , Leave whimpering , Huzzy , Aside . She 's bashful , Sir. Sir Tim. Yfaith , a most dainty Creature : Look you , Mr. Landy , I se 〈◊〉 make many words , I am downright Country all over , I don't practice the fine Words , and May be most of them the fashionable Li●…s Of the Town ; but in short , if you and The Lady likes me and my Estate , I am fully Satisfied ; I 'le prod●… you the Particu●… Of an Honest Estate of 2000 l. a Year , All lying about 〈◊〉 Hall , where the S●…llows Have been known for many 〈◊〉 . Land. A fair Estate , I confess , Sir Timothy , And when you please to bring the Particulars , We shall proceed , and I make no question , But fairly on all sides . Sir Tim. Nay , I se not be long in doing that , For I hate delays ; besides , I hate staying In this Town , I shou'd be ●…akt here in , A little time . Scrib . If Sir Timothy pleases , we will depart now , And speedily return , with a full Account Of every thing , and short Heads for an Agreement . Land.

With all my Heart , Mr. Scrible .

Sir Tim. Nay , I warrant 〈◊〉 I se ●…sten Matters , For in troth , Fair Mistress , I like you exceedingly , And you shall live in the North , as well As the Proudest of 'em all , And have a Coach at your Command , And if you take to Love Hunting , I have as good a Pack of Dogs 〈◊〉 ever laid nose to ground . Scrible .

Come , Sir Timothy , time calleth upon us .

Sir Tim. I go , I go , Mr. Scrible ; for this time farewell , Good Mr. Landy , I shall be with you again Speedily ; farewell Fair Mistress , I assure you I like you very much , exceedingly yf●…ith . Land. Come , Sir Timothy , I 'le wait upon you out : Lucy follow me , I have something to say To you . Exeunt Sir Tim. and Scrible , Landy and Lucy another ●…ay . Bell. Was there ever such a turn Of Fortune , I fancy'd that Parchment Rascal came for no good ? Feew. Was there ever such a Miser ? A Groat more purchases him from The freehold of common honesty . Bell.

'T is insupportable to think of losing her .

Feew. Come , clear up , we will not lose her , We 'll pursue 'em close , this Northern Privateer Shall never Board our Rich Vessel . Bell. I 'll sink him and my self first ; Before he has fair Lucy for his Wife , I must be first unmarry'd from my Life . Exeunt . Enter Lady Crossit , and Grace with a Band-Box . L. Cros.

Are you sure you are perfect in your Message ?

Grace . I have it all without book to a tittle , And your Ladyship has no more to do now , but to give me your Letter , And fling an old shooe after me for good luck . L. Cros. Here 's the Letter ready writ , Sign'd and Seal'd , Take it you , and put it under the Shirts , That when the Doctor goes to look on the Present , He may take it out with his own hands . Grace .

I like the Contrivance very well , however let me alone to guide him to take up the Linen , and to put his hand upon it .

L. Cros. Use your own discretion , I rely wholly on your Conduct . Grace . Sir John is already gone to Barnet , And there 's no danger of his return 'till 〈◊〉 morrow Morning , For he is to lie at one of his Tenants Houses in the Town , As 't is his usual Custom . L. Cros. Thou art in the right , Therefore carry my Letter , and the Present immediately To my dear Doctor , sure he will not slight the Summons A Person of my Quality sends him . Well , 〈◊〉 leave thee to bring about the ●…est ; And retire to feed my fancy befir●…-hand , With the thoughts of my Lover , 'till thy return ; Do but ●…cceed , and bring him to my Chamber to night , And I 'll Reward thee beyond thy expectation . Exit . Grace alon●… Now if I can but play the Mistress of the Ceremonies , And Conduct this Embassador To a private Audience to Night , my Fortunes are made . Well , I find the Vapours her Ladyship complain of , Were only a mist she cast before her Husband's eyes , And the large Rewards she has promis'd , Have caus'd the like effects on me ; W●…o am to hear all , see all , and know nothing ▪ As they who keep a Treating-House connive At all the Cheats and Vice by which they thrive ; When Mass and Miss in hugger-mugger come , Th' officious Chamberlain strait shews a Room : And tho' he more than guesses their Design , He has no other but upon their Coyn ▪ So I , as true a Chamberlain as he , Am guiltless of the Fact , to get the Fee. Is going out , when Sir John Crossit Ente●… at the same time in his Riding Habit , and makes her start . Sir John.

Grace , is 't you , what makes you start so ?

Grace .

To see your Worship return'd so soon .

Sir John. I am return'd , only to take a Copy of a Lease I forgot . Where 's yo●…r Lady ? Grace 〈◊〉 to bide the Band-Box . Grace .

Retir'd to her 〈◊〉 .

Sir John. What 〈◊〉 you got there , that you 〈◊〉 so , And endeavour to conceal from me ? Grace .

Some things that belong to my Lady .

Sir John.

What things ?

Grace . Only some new Head-dresses my Lady does not like , And I am going to carry 'em back to the Change. Sir John. Let me see 'em , If they like me better than they do your L●…dy ▪ It may be I may perswade her to wear ' em . Grace . But I am sure you won't like 'em neither — Besides , there are some things here , that Men must not see . Sir John. If it be any thing that belongs to my Wife , I am sure I may see it , and will see it . I begin to suspect something , Aside . Her starting , and endeavouring to hide the Band-Box m●…kes me curious . Open the Band-Box , and shew me what you have got there . Grace .

'T is nothing but foul Linen indeed , indeed , Sin

Sir John. First Head-Dresses , and then foul Linen , This is meer prevaricating , it may be she has stole something , And I have seiz'd her in the act of Conveyance . Aside . Come , open your Band-Box quickly , or I 'll force it open ; For I am in haste , and cannot lose time . Open , Open , I say . Grace . Why shou'd you desire to pry into Womens Affairs ? I must not , and cannot open to you . Sir John.

I 'le see that immediately .

Snatches the Band-Box away from her , and opens it . Grace .

O Mercy , Mercy , and I 'le discover all .

Sir John. First , let me see what discoveries I can make without you , D' ye call these Head-Dresses ? Pulls ' out one of the Shirts . They are very large ones , And the Fashion is prodigiously encreas'd . Grace . aside .

If he looks any further , he certainly discovers the Letter ; and I am ruin'd .

Sir John pulls out another Shirt , and the Letter falls on the ground . Sir John.

Item another — But what does this Letter do here ?

Reads the Superscription .

To the Dear Idol of my Soul.

This looks like my Wif●…'s Fenwork ;

But now for the Contents .

Opens and Reads .

I never thought before this fatal Hour , Thus to confess the Naked Archer's Power . Till now my stubborn Breast , like 〈◊〉 shreld , Slighted his weaker Darts , and 〈◊〉 not yield . That only Arrow 〈◊〉 me through and through , Which the well-ayming Bow-Boy shot for you ; Who rushing on me then in Fury came , And took me Pris'ner in your Mighty Name .

And so forth in Doggrel quite ●…o the bottom : What can this LoveStuff mean ? But hold , here 's a Post-scribble , I think in Prose ; what says this ?

Reads .

Dir Doctor , my Husbane is gon to Barnit this Ivining , and duz not cum bak tel cummorro mornin ; the Nits are long and coll'd , and I am not accost●…'d to ly alon , bein firful●… ; I think no Parson so we●… quallifid to gard my Hon●…s , as you ar , and therfor 〈◊〉 bold to beg yor swet Company to Nit , excuse this 〈◊〉 Lins , from hur , who is alw●…s yor most umbel Sarvant :

Dorothy Crossit .

This is some of her own Ingenious Stile and Spelling ; However , there 's Sense enough in it to make me a Cornuto .

To Gr●…ce .

Pray , Madam , what was your Ladyship to have for the Postage of this important Letter ; what reversion of the next Sattin Gown or Silk Petticoat have you been promis'd for this great Piece of Bawdy Service ?

Grace .

O Mercy , Mercy ; Pardon me but this one time , and I 'le never do so again .

Sir John. aside .

That ●…ealous Rogue , Lurch , who suspects all Wives as well as his own , was in the right I find .

To her .

Well I will be Merciful for once to you , but on these Conditions , that you ●…cerely unravel the very bottom of this Intrigue to me ; and Secondly , that you keep my Counsel , as you have kept my Wife's .

Grace .

The bottom of the Intrigue is this ; my Lady , who is deeply Enamour'd of this ugly Fellow of a Doctor , went yesterday privately to the Change , and bought those dozen of Shirts you have discover'd in the Band-Box ; and order'd me just now to deliver them with this Letter , as a Present to him in her Name ; the rest you may easily understand by the Letter you have Read. — I believe my good Angel was the cause of your unexpected return ; for just at that very Moment when you surpriz'd me , I had a qualm of Consclence , and was ready to wave my Commission . Thought I , what , shall I be accessary to the wronging so sine a Gentleman , as your Worship is , for the sake of that ugly Blackamoor Doctor . Thought I , I 'le never do it : — Your Worship 's a ●…ine Gentleman : I wonder ind●…d , how my Lady can have the Heart to fall in love with such an ugly Monster , when she has so fine a Gentleman as your Worship for her Husband .

Sir John chucks her under the Chin. Sir John.

Well , well , I am glad to be thought so by thee , thou art a forward Girl , I have alwaies had a particular Esteem for thee , and am resolved to continue it .

aside .

The Baggage is full of Wit , and taking ; I have had a liking to her long ago .

to her

But d' you hear , if you intend I should Seal your Pardon , you must now do me a piece of Service .

Grace .

Any thing , Sir , to serve you , and to shew I intended you no wrong .

Sir John.

Then thus ; you must keep all secret from your Lady that has pass'd , or is to pass between us two : In the next place , you shall pretend to have deliver'd the Message and Present to the Doctor ; and acquaint your Lady he will wait on her at the time appointed ; and I instead of goi●…g to 〈◊〉 will take Possession of the Shirts , and play the Doctor in 〈◊〉 this very Night .

Grace .

But how will your Worship do , not to be discover'd who you are ?

Sir John.

Why thus : I intend to come late , and you shall order it so , that my Wife shall expect me in Bed ; I shall have nothing upon me but a Night-gown , and when I am just ready to enter her Room , you shall immediately let the Light fall , or snuff it out , as by chance , so that I being undress'd , and having nothing to do , but to step into the Bed to her , there will be no occasion of lighting the Candle again .

Grace .

So far all goes well : But how will your Worship do not to be known by Talking , and in the Morning before your departure ?

Sir John.

That 's easie still , for my Voice , when I talk in a whispering Tone , will not be distinguish'd . Then I intend to put on one of the lac'd Shirts , which will favour my design still more : As for my parting undiscover'd in the Morning , thou know'st 't is late before the day breaks this Winter Season , and I design to leave her before 't is light , pretending fear of being seen to Morrow by the Neighbourhood , in the absence of her Husband .

Grace .

You have answer'd all my Objections , and I promise to serve your Worship faithfully .

Sir John.

Do so , and I 'le not only forgive thee what 's past , but also Reward thee Nobly — Be sure you take care your Lady knows nothing of this my sudden return by means of any in the Family .

Grace .

There 's no fear I believe of that , for she 's retir'd to her Chamber , has there shut her self up , to Meditate , as she told me , and will speak to no body all this Afternoon but me ; when I return as she imagines from the Doctor .

Sir John.

Well , I 'le slip aside 'till about Eleven at Night , at which Hour expect my Return , and get all things ready .

Exit . Grace .

Your Worship shall be serv'd punctually , leave it to my Management .

Exit .
ACT III.
SCENE in Lurch ' s House . Enter Mrs. Lurch , and her Maid . Mrs. Lurch . 'T Was a Noble Entertainment Mr. Feewell made us , Retty ▪ yet I fed my eyes more than my stomach ; For every time I observ'd my Husband's head was turn'd from me , I immediately cast an amorous look on Mr. Feewell , Who seldom fail'd of catching it , and returning me another . What did not he ask me with his Eyes ? What did I not grant him with-mine ? Our Eyes spoke faster , and explain'd Such Thoughts no Tongues cou'd utter : 'T is certainly a Language only of Angels , and of Lovers . Mr. Bellville was the best Friend I had at Table ; He still ply'd my Monster of 〈◊〉 with so many Healths , and full Glasses , that he forc'd him By meer strength of Wine , and Argument of Bumpers , To change his natural ill humour for a good one , And become a sociable Beast in Company Yet he did not forget himself so much , But that as soon as Dinner was ended , He order'd a Coach to be got ready , And hurry'd me home along with him ; And is gone to the other end of the Town to receive a summ of Money . Betty .

What wou'd you say if Mr. Feewel shou'd come to you now ?

Mrs. Lurch . 'T is not impossible . For when I was going out of the Room where we were merry , I remember I heard the Company talk something of breaking up . Besides , I gave him a hint this very Morning , That my Husband was to go abroad . Betty . This very morning I did as much , Fearing the Infallibility of Eye-Language Might fail in such Particulars ; And told him , this hour your Husband was to go abroad . For which , like a well-bred Gentleman , He put a New Crown Piece into my hand ; 'T is not the first I have had of him . Mrs. Lurch . Then I am certain he will come , If the Company does not detain him . Betty .

I hope you 'l be Civil to him , Madam , if he shou'd come ?

Mrs. Lurch . Oh , Betty , my heart 's so full , And I find my self in such a Confusion , That I know not what I shall say to him if he shou'd come — Love has put me so on the rack of Expectation , That I shall never be able to speak to him ; And I 'm af●…aid he 'll mistake my silence for a rebuke , And be daunted in his Address . Betty . Never fear , Madam , you 'll sind the benefit of your Tongue . We Women never lose the use of it , But in the Bed of Sickness , or of Love. But shou'd you be as mute as a Fish , D' ye think Mr F●…wel does not understand the hanging of the Lip , And the Languishing cast of an Eye half asleep ? Besides , Men have more ways to the wood than one ; When they see that Love and whining Passion will not work us , And that we expect to be put to the Question , They behave themselves like an undaunted General , Who , resolv'd to storm a Fort , admits of no Parley , And Puts all to the Sword. 〈◊〉 , hist , what foot-steps do I hear ? Mrs. Lurch .

'T is Feewel , on my life ; I tremble all o'er .

Betty . Let him come , we are two to one . We 'll give him as good as he brings , never fear . Enter Feewell . Mrs. Lurch .

O Heavens ! who 's that , my Husband ?

Betty .

No , 't is Mr. Feewel , Madam .

Mrs. Lurch . Sure Mr. Feewell has mistaken my Chamber , For that of his Cousin Landy . Feew. Joy of my eyes , 't is impossible I shou'd mistake , When I have so sure a guide as Love to direct me . Mrs. Lurch . You naughty Man , How durst you venture to come into my Chamber , When you knew my Husband was abroad , and I all alone ? Feew.

That was the chie●…est motive of my coming , Child .

Mrs. Lurch . If my Husband shou'd find us two together , I am ruin'd for ever . Feew. Therefore we must prevent his coming upon us , And dispatch my Love : 'T is no time now to discourse or think of an absent Husband , When a Lover's present ; Come , prithee , I am in more haste than thou imagin'st . Betty aside . He has the true knack of undoing us , He has such a pretty kind of way with him , no Woman can deny him . My Mistriss is reduc'd to her Eye . Language already — Well , I 'll take a turn in the Garden , And leave the Knight and the Enchanted Lady together . Steals out . Mrs. Lurch . What , is the filthy Girl gone , And left me all alone with a Man ? Why Betty , help , help , where are you ? I darn't call aloud now , For fear any body shou'd hear me . Aside . Why Betty , Betty . Softly . Feew. Come , come , if Betty shou'd hear , She has more wit than to answer ; She knows you are in safe hands , come prithee , come this way a little , And do not put me to lug so hard , thou dear Creature . Mrs. Lurch .

Bless me , what do you mean to do , Mr. Feewell ?

Feew. Why , I do mean to bless thee , and my self too ; But in the first place , I intend to lock the door , And after that , to retire with thee into the next Chamber , And I 'll tell thee the rest when I am there . Mrs. Lurch . I hope you are a Man of Honour , Mr. Feewell , And intend me no harm , You see I trust you with my Reputation . Feew. Ay , Child , I warrant thee , Thou shalt find that I am a true Man of Honour ▪ As they are retiring , Lurch knocks , and crys without , open the door there . Mrs. Lurch .

O my Husband , my Husband , what shall we do ?

Feew. 'Sdeath , I fancy'd the Devil wou'd thrust in his horns , When you began to talk of him ; Is there no place to hide me in ? Mrs. Lurch . No place but an old Armory , And there he 'll be sure to look in the first place . Knocks louder , and bids open the door . Mrs. Lurch . All I can do , is to disg●… you In some of the Maids Cloaths , that lie in the next Room . Feew. Come , dispatch the Masquerade then , if there be no other way . But 't will not do , unless we 〈◊〉 out fire , fire , and I sally in the smoak . Mrs. Lurch . So , so , now get to that Corner — Rush out upon him . Having dressed him in a 〈◊〉 and loose Sc●…rves and Hoods , they cry out Fire , Fire , Fire . Mr. Lurch . Open the door , I say , open the door , Or I 'll break it open . She opens the door , crying Fire still . Mr. Lurch .

Where , where ? O my Papers , my Papers .

As 〈◊〉 enters , Feewell rushes out against him , and throws him down . Mrs. Lurch . I hope 't is out again , 't was but just begun ; I was so suddenly frightned , that it made me cry out . Enter B●…tty .

O Betty ! I hope the Fire 's out ?

Betty .

Yes , Madam , you ne●…d not be afraid .

Lurch . A very sudden Fire , and as suddenly put out . There was a devilish strong dockt Jade gave me a broad side , And whirld me about like a Gigg ; You had got a very lusty Lady , a Fortune-teller , I suppose , Or a Cuckold-maker in Woman●… Cloaths , Which amounts to the same thing . Mrs. Lurch . If a Broom were drest up in Womans Cloaths , Your Jealousie wou'd make a Man of it immediately . If you continue to mistrust my Virtue at this rate , I 'll give you cause to do so in reality . Lurch .

I think that 's pretty well perform'd already .

Mrs. Lurch . None but such a jealous head as yours , Cou'd harbour such a suspicion . How came you , pray , To return so soon from t'other end of the Town ? Lurch . Because I remembred I was invited to a Burial that way , as you know 〈◊〉 morrow , And so I turn'd back , resolving to do it all under one . Mrs. Lurch . No , 't was your jealousie brought you back , Only to plague me with your hot-headed Fit ▪ Be as innocent as I will , I must be Condemn'd ; You 're a great Encourager of Virtue indeed ; You ought in Conscience to ask my Pardon on your knees , And 't is well I have the Charity to forgive you . Lurch .

Forgive me , very good , forgive me !

Mrs. Lurch . Yes , forgive you , for thus publishing Your own Folly , and my Dishonour . Lurch .

Excellent ! come , we 'll go in and consider the Matter ; If any one wilfully destroys himself , they say he 's felo de se , she shan't have cause to call me Cuckold de se , I 'll not be Jilted out of my Care and Vigilance :

Plots may be better laid , and then , if luck hold , I may ask Pardon for being made a Cuckold . Exit .
SCENE II. of the Third Act. Enter Landy . Land. Sir Timot●…y has sent word he 's coming . 'T is well , very well , Mr. Bellville must give way ; A Knight , and 2000 per Ann. not to be resisted . Let Fools please themselves with empty Notions Of fine Parts , and outside Virtu●… . A drest up fashionable Gentleman — All fading Fooleries , their value a Notion ; Give me the solid lasting Properties Of Land , and Mony — O here he comes . Enter Sir Timothy , and Scrible . Sir Timothy , you are a punctual Man , I like it well , I love punctual Proceedings , Mr. Scrible . Sir Tim. Nay , Sir , you shall always find me Tite and honest , plain-dealing , and steady ; Gud faith , I se no waverer . Scrib . Sir Timothy hath hereby brought you A true and honest particular of his Estate . I have also prepared some short Particulars , With Blanks for either to Sign , if you so agree ; For Sir Timothy is much taken with you Daughter , and is in haste . Sir Tim. Why , look you Mr. Landy , ( Father I hope that shall be ) I am at a word , I hate delays , Besides , I would fain be rid of this smoaky Town , so plaguy full of noise , That a Man had as good live in a Belfry when they ring a Peal , And things so strangely drest , as if it were all a Poppet-show ; I se e'en thought I had met two or three Ghosts , They said they were the Sparks of the Town , And call'd them by a strange name , Boughs , or something like it ; 'Slid they look'd as if they had been hal'd out of Meal-Tubs , Tom 〈◊〉 our Miller does not go more besinea●… . Land.

For my part , Sir Timothy , I'like an honest plain Country Gentlem●…n , there 's no tricks cover'd in fine words to abuse one another ; a Civil-war of Tongues in this Town rages perpetually .

Sir Tim.

Nay , in good faith , I se carry your Daughter to Peace and Plenty , and shew you how well I like her , I se make a Thousand a year Joynter .

Land.

Enough , enough , good Sir Timothy , and I will give the Girl a Portion proportionably .

Scrib .

It is then meet that you sign these short Articles accordingly .

Land. We 'll retire to my Closet , and there finish . Come , Sir Timothy , good Fortune attend us . Exeunt . Enter Bellville , and Feewell . Bell. They say this damn'd Image of a Knight Is come , with that Rascal Scrible . Feew.

Curse on ' em , what 〈◊〉 they make ; ' slife they give us no time for invention , we might else try to bribe that Scribling Cur , he wou'd bark on any side for Money

Bell.

I am so confounded , that my Thoughts justle and crowd one another into confusion .

Look , Feewell ;

Enter Mrs. Lucy .

See where that Sunshine comes , over-cast with a soft show'r — O , my dear Lucy , while this gentle pity blesses my Soul with joy ; the cruel fears of losing you , blasts all the springing Comfort , and withers into sorrow .

Lucy .

How cruel is a Father , to make the Life he g●…ve so miserable , as mine must be !

Enter Philadelphia hastily . Phil.

O Mistress , we are all undone , I peept into my Master's Closet , and there 's the Bumkin Knight and he , Signing and Sealing , and that Ink-Bottle Rascal , busie in ●…iverting the Papers .

Feew.

This is worst of all .

Bell.

I am lost beyond Redemption , there 's no avoiding this ruin , unless fair Lucy will fly with me , and in my Fortune find shelter from this storm .

Lucy .

Alas , I dare not ! I cannot fly from that which Heaven makes my Duty .

Enter Servant . Serv.

Mr. Bellville , there 's a Gentleman without , come Post from the Country , who desires to speak with you .

Exit Servant . Bell.

Let him come in —

What shou'd this be ? Enter Elliot , Servant to Mr. Bellville ' s Uncle .

How ! Elliot — what News with you ?

Elli .

Very sad , Sir , at least to me , your Uncle my good Master is dead , and has left all his Estate to you , Real and P●…rsonal : 〈◊〉 ●… Letter from his Steward , Mr. Trusty , who keeps all things in qulet Possession for you , and desires you to hasten down with all the speed you can .

Bell.

'T is so — My Uncle was lately in good Health .

Bellville reads the Letter . Elli .

Yes , Sir , but died suddenly of an Appoplex , I lost a good Master .

Bell.

And you have found another , if you please , Elliot .

Elli .

I thank you , S●…r , what order do you please to take for going ?

Bell.

D' ye know my Lodging , Elliot ?

Elli .

Yes , Sir , I was directed from thence to find you here .

Bell.

Go thither then , and refresh your self , I believe you ●…ave Rid hard , I have some 〈◊〉 that I must look after ; but I 'le come thither with all the speed I can , and then order every thing .

Elli .

I 'le wait there for you , Sir.

Exit Elliot . Feew.

This is very ●…lucky , wou'd this News had come a little sooner , this Argument wou'd Convert the Old Gentleman to the Religion of our side .

Bell.

But I fear 't is gone too far .

〈◊〉 .

'T will turn him again , and fet him , like a wind mill , to ●…all with the wind that changes , and turn off the Knight , as he did the Squire .

Lucy .

But if he has Sign'd Covenants , he 'll never venture the battle of a Suit of Law , he dreads a Writ , as he wou'd a piece of Canon 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 him .

Feew.

' Slife , how dull we are ; yet if we cou'd make him of our Party , there might be some contrivance to 〈◊〉 this Knight 〈◊〉 upon a wrong Adventure .

Studies . Lucy .

'T is possible this additional Consideration might incline his 〈◊〉 Prudence , but I fear 't is too late .

Phill.

Mistress , I have a Fancy come into my Head , that may do .

Bell.

P●…thee Phill , let 's hear it .

Phill.

Nay , 't is a very pretty one , and tends to no less than to make my self a Lady .

Feew.

On my Life , I have hit on the same fancy with Phill.

Phill.

Mine is to pack the Cards upon him , and shuffle me to turn up instead of my Mistress .

Feew.

Say no more , Phill , I have it all ; thou art the ●…ather , and I the Mother of this Plot ; let me alone to shape it , now thou hast got it .

Bell.

But dear Cousin Feewell , what is 't .

Feew.

Say no more , but let me alone with my Cousin Landy , you ●…ellville shall be Taught your Part in good time , and you Cousin Lucy have nothing to say , but to have and to hold , after the Parson .

Phil.

You intend , I suppose , to draw my Old Master into the Plot. It cannot fail ; he will certainly take the Bait , and then Mistress , I must take place of you .

Lucy .

With all my Heart , Phill ; thou dost deserve it for taking mine .

Feew.

Come , no Words , nor Conjuring up Doubts , withdraw all , and leave me to Assault this Castle of Treasure , which is unfortified to hold out against such Batteries as I shall raise against him , observe well your Parts . One thing I had forgot ; you Bellville , you must seem a little cold , as if your new Fortune , and being so ill us'd by him had chill'd your passion for his Daughter ; stay , give me the Letter , now be gone , while I wait for his bolting out .

Bell.

Heaven prosper your attempt .

Exit Bellville . Feew.

They are gone in time , see where the Squadron comes , led by Captain Scrible , having , I suppose , newly Sign'd the Treaty .

Enter Scrible first , Landy , and Sir Timothy . Scrible .

Give you joy , Mr. Landy , and you , Sir Timothy ; I suppose you have no business more for me at present , I must hasten and provid●… other Matters necessary for the Wedding .

Land.

Do , good Mr. Scrible .

Exit Scrible . Sir Tim.

Nay , I must about Matters too , in good faith ; 〈◊〉 ●…mble the Parson , time , and place together , I long y faith to make Mrs. Lucy the Lady Shallow , and I se return quickly .

Land.

The sooner the welcomer , good Son , as I think I may now call you .

Sir Tim.

And I hope I may call you Father , and get a little Son to make you a great Father .

Land.

Lustily spoke y faith , Sir Timothy , and I 'll give it a Father's Blessing .

Sir Tim.

And in gud faith I se ●…asten to get it , so farewell 'till then ; I se quickly come to fetch my Lady , to encrease the Family of the Shallowe .

Exit . Land.

So , all goes well . Pretty y faith ! they would have p●…swaded me to take Ninepence for a Noble ; very pretty y faith . O 〈◊〉 Fe●…well , your Servant .

Fe●…well steps out . Feew.

I waited to speak with you , Cousin .

Land.

What , about the old Story ? Pray Cousin Feeweell give off the pursuit of that Matter , 't is a cold scent , and I am engag'd , fully engag'd .

Feew.

I hope not , Sir , for 't is a new Matter I have to acquaint you with .

Land.

New Matter , pish , what new Matter ! my Daughter 's my Daughter , and my Care of her the same ▪ and a Thousand a year is but a Thousand a year , and two Thousand is two Thousand ; and I must desire Mr. Bellville to forbear further troubling himself , and me .

Feew.

I wish , Sir , ne may not too readily comply ; he had your Promise , and I assure you , resents his injury .

Land.

I think I did utter a hasty word , or so , but two Thousand a year is a very good Ex●…use :

Feew.

But almost three Thousand is a better Argument .

In short , Sir , I resolv'd , without Mr. Bellvill's leave , to acquaint you that his Uncle is dead , and has left him above Fifteen Hundred a year , besides a great Personal Estate .

Land.

How , Cousin , sure this is a devise ?

〈◊〉 .

Read this Letter , and if your Opinion holds , you will repent what you now joy in .

Reads the Letter . Land.

By my life 't is so indeed ; nay , I have heard his Unkle had such a fair Estate . O Mr. Feewell , what have I done ?

Feew.

I hope nothing but what may be undone .

Land.

O yes , Cousin , that scrible scrable Rasc●…l has fetter'd me in Articles , to get his Fee.

Feew.

Not so fast , I hope , but that you may get loose .

Land.

O impossibl●… , they 'll clap Writs upon me , and toss me into the Spiritual Court , where no flesh ever ' scap'd destruction .

Feew.

I am very much troubled , is there no Remedy ?

Land.

O I would there were , Cousin , you know I ever esteem'd Mr. Bellvill's Person .

Feew.

I must confess I wonder'd you were so suddenly fond of this Knight , of the ill-favour'd Countenance ; besides , you knew your Daughter lov'd Bellville , some Consideration should have been had of her Content .

Land.

Alas ! 't was for her sake ; care of her , care of her ; 't is very unfortunate , had this News come but a day sooner .

Feew.

That 's not to be helpt now , if I were you , I 'de stand the 〈◊〉 .

Land.

No , Cousin , I 'de as willingly Death should Arrest me as a Serjeant , and had as good almost fall into the hands of the Hangman , as the Lawyers ; besides publick shame , Cousin .

Feew.

Wou'd you be truly and heart●…ly pleas'd , if a way might be found to set you safely free , and Bellville 〈◊〉 have your Daughter ?

〈◊〉 .

Cousi●… , Cousin , with all my Soul , I have found this Knight to be Sir Shallow , indeed a very Coxcomb .

Feew.

And will you steadily act in the 〈◊〉 , if a handsome one be contriv'd ?

Land.

Most chearfully , Cousin , trust me , most willingl with my best skill and power . But d' ye hear , Cousin , will not this great addition of ●…ortune , joyn'd to the unhappy usage of Mr. Bellville , make him flye off ?

Feew.

' Troth he is something grumb upon the Matter , but 't is possible his love for your Daughter may overcome .

Land.

Perswade him , good Cousin , work him into easiness , and forgiven●… ; I always esteem'd his Person , desire him to believe it from a penitent and hasty Father ; good Cousin can you tell where we may find him ?

Feew.

Easily , Sir , for I left him taking his leave of his Mistress , I saw her begin to put finger in eye .

Land.

Then I fear he 'll fall off . Call 'em in , good Cousin , and assist me ●…n that you say is your own design ; call 'em in , good Cousin , and indeavour to soften him by the way ; tell the Girl I charge her to look kindly 〈◊〉 him .

Feew.

Well , Sir , I 'll try my utmost —

B●…t be sure , Sir , to be very kind to him .

Exit Feewell . Land.

Doubt it not in the least . Now am I to go to Sentence and Repentance , and my Pennance will be ( no doubt on 't ) an additional Portion ; how this Earthquake of Land has shaken me ? No matter , if the Plot be well laid , and succeeds , I shall be contented , and my poor Gi●…l will be pleas'd . And I consider , when Riches give me leave , that the truth on 't is , this Knight is a very Coxcomb , and my Daughter had been as well dispos'd of in a deep Well , as to this Shallow ; what Troubles have I twisted my self into ! O these Girls , these Girls , every one of them gives as much trouble as a Leash of Boys , they must be rear'd like Or●…ngeTrees in a cold Country , kept within doors , and carefully hous'd ; what a happiness it would be for Parents , were there an Insurance-Office ●…or getting Boys instead of Girls , any Wise Man wou'd give Ten in the Hundred to have his Wife Insur'd . Soft , they come — I see my Cousin Feewell is working the Matter .

Enter Feewell , earnestly whispering with Bellville , Lucy and her Maid following . Bell.

Have you any Commands for me , Sir ?

Lan.

I wish Mr. Bellville I had the power to Command you , but I am now the Petitioner for what you once desir'd .

Belt.

I do not understand you , Sir.

Land.

I think you once desir'd Lucy .

Bell.

I did , Sir.

Land.

And now , Sir , I desire you should have her .

Bell.

Once indeed , Sir , you seem'd to be of that mind , but presently I was forbid to hope that happiness .

Land.

I was too hasty I confess , and if you still love my Daughter , she shall plead my excuse . Speak to him , huzzy .

Lucy .

What shou'd I say , Sir ?

Land.

What shou'd I say ! when I scrupled at your having Mr. Bellville ; then you cou'd interrupt me with your chattering , and now forsooth , you can't speak ; look kindly on him , and win him into kindness and forgiveness .

Lucy .

You hear , Mr. Bellville , what my Father says , if you lov●… me still .

Land.

Well said , my best Girl , y faith , that was a devilish look ; can you resist it , Mr. Bellville ?

Bell.

I must ever love Mrs. Lucy , I dare not deny that powerful truth ; but to what purpose is all this discourse ? I hear you are engag'd to Knight-hood .

Feew.

Then let me speak , I have promis'd my Cousin Landy to find a way to free him from that engagement ; he joyfully con●…ents to act his part in the Plot , and if you love Mrs. Lucy still ; she shall be yours .

Land.

With an addition of Portion , Mr. Feewell , to express my esteem of you .

Feew.

Come , 〈◊〉 , Mrs. Lucy shall be yours ; but no more words , we 'll in , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 our Design , which I think cannot fail ; Phill is one of the Party , Sir.

Land.

She 's honest , I dare swear .

●…il .

At this time especially , when my own advantage Rewards me for it .

Feew.

You must be sure , Madam Phil. that must be , under pretence of Modesty , to 〈◊〉 ordel and mu●…le your self with Hoods , that the Knight may not discover .

Phil.

Trust that to my management .

Feew.

〈◊〉 Mrs. Lucy , when the Knight comes next to make his last Claim , you must manage your Hoo●… so as to be a pattern for Phil. But now let 's withdraw , and perfect 〈◊〉 Design .

Exit Bellville , leading Lucy .
SCENE Changes to the Street . Enter Lurch alo●… . Lurch .

Well , I must rid my self of these Lodgers , for as long as they domineer , at this rate , I shall never be Master of my own House , or my Wife ; at the end of this 〈◊〉 I shall 〈◊〉 old Landy to remove himself , his Daughter , and the rest of his Luggage ; as long as they are here , this Feewell will have a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 upon my House , under pretence 〈◊〉 coming to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Landy . B●…des , wherever a Rich young Heiress lives , all the young 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and starch'd 〈◊〉 of the Town , come buzzing about that House all day long , like so many Bees about a Hive , and the Servants need have no other business , than to open the door to Penny-Post Men , and 〈◊〉 in the shape of Porters .

Enter feewell , and his Servant . Feew.

Who dost thou 〈◊〉 gave this 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to thee ?

Serv.

Sir , it was given me by a Woman in ●…aste , just at the turning of the last Street .

Lurch . aside●…

〈◊〉 you so ! This is Feewell , I know the voice . I 'll venture to draw nearer , and observe him a little ; 't is late in the Evening , and 〈◊〉 not easily discover me .

Feew.

At the Corner of the 〈◊〉 Street ! 〈◊〉 thou so ? I have a strong guess , before I open it , from whence it comes .

Lurch aside .

So have I , I 'll swear .

Feewell opens the Letter . Few .

Yes , it is that Dear Creature , Lurch his Wife , as I imagin'd .

Lurch . aside .

Yes , 't is that dear Devil , as I imagin'd too .

Feewell reads

Sir , To Morrow at Three of the Clock in the Afternoon , my Husband goes Abroad , to Accompany the Corps of a deceased Friend ; this is to let you know , I expect your Company in my 〈◊〉 at that 〈◊〉 , begging that you wou'd not omit so blessed an Opportunity .

Lurch . aside .

To make me a Cuckold .

Feewell reads on

I shall impatiently wait you at the Place appointed , 〈◊〉 without Seconds ; if you are a Man of Honour do not fail me , who am yours , &c.

Lurch .

No Seconds , said she ? tho , by her leave , I intend to make a third , to hinder the effusion of Christian Blood.

Feew.

Yes , fair Inviter , I will meet thee .

O thou dear expected Hour of Three in the Afternoon to Morrow , how long wil●… thou 〈◊〉 coming ? How shall I be able to pass my time away with Patience ? To Night I 'le go in search of Bellwille , or pick up some other intimate Acquaintance , with whom I may be free , and over a Glass of Life-giving Liquor , I 'le heighten Humour , and Enjoy my Friend .

To Morrow for my Mistr●…ss .

Exit with Servant . Lurch .

Your Mistress , and my Wife — Hence forward I shall never wonder at these Billet-douxs , for being made up in the fashion of Horns — Blessed Opportunity , and Man of Honour — O sine Age !

O dainty fine Age ! O delicious Age !

What a Wife of defiance have I got ?

O Husbands , Husbands , you that are fast in the Lobs-Pound of Matri●…mony , behold , and pity your Poor Fellow su●…rer : Was it not sufficient that we entred the Prison voluntarily but we must bind our selves over to such good Behaviour , and give such swinging Security for our staying there ? We have all paid dearly for our Peeping and 〈◊〉 .

So have I seen a Mouse with Hunger spent , To the strong Parmaz●…ns inviting scent Advance , and creep around the wiery Gin , That seems to fortifie the Bait within ▪ At length ( for nothing hazzard , nothing hold , Hunger and Women make a Coward bold ) The thoughtless Animal , resolv'd to dare , Ventures within the Matrimonial Snare : Down falls the Trap door of the teacherous House , And makes a Husband of that Captive Mouse . 〈◊〉 . End of the Third Act.
ACT IV.
A Night Scene . Enter Sir John 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 his Night Gown , and a dark Lanthorn in his Hand . Sir John.

I Am got loose from her Ladyship at last ! Never was Poor Man so put to it , to play the Lover with his own Wife ! One such another Night , wou'd have forc'd me to have cross'd the Cudgels , and confess'd the Husband in my own defence .

E●…ter Grace to 〈◊〉 . Grace . softly .

Sir John , Sir John , is it you ?

Sir John.

Yes , 't is I , all that 's left of me .

Grace .

I heard your Wors●…ip come out of my Lady's Chamber ; I hav'n't Slept a ●…ink all this Night , for fear my Lady should have discover'd you , and I was terribly afraid she had , because I heard her make a Noise , and cry out , as I thought — just when yo●… Worship left her .

Sir John.

Thou are in the right , the Out-cry was made by my Wife , but not because she discover'd me .

Grace .

Why was it then ?

Sir John.

'T was because I 〈◊〉 her a 〈◊〉 ●…ort of a 〈◊〉 at my parting , instead of a more civil good Morrow , she might reasonably have expected from me .

Grace .

I cannot comprehend your meaning , Sir.

Sir John.

To be more 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , I have 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Marks of Remembrance behind me , on her Ladyship's Face , with these Ten Executioners , that the Doctor will not be able 〈◊〉 Cure them this Month , with all his Art ; in short , I Counterfeited the Madman all 〈◊〉 sudden , rose from her Bed in a Clap of 〈◊〉 , like 〈◊〉 from his Mistress , and have left such a storm of my Fingers ends on her Visage , that she writes no more Love-Letters in haste , I 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . But d' you hear ; Go you up to your Lady immediately , and strive to 〈◊〉 her as well as you can , and above all , be sure you tell her , you have 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the Doctor is given to be Lunatick 〈◊〉 certain 〈◊〉 . Go get you gone , you 'll find I have lock'd the door upon her . In the mean time , I 'll dress my self abroad in my Riding Habit , in order to return home again , as from the Country . Do as I bid you , and leave the rest to me .

Grace .

Well , I will go to her , 〈◊〉 you have Commanded me , tho' I tremble at the approaching storm .

Exit . Sir John.

( alone )

This it is to have a Matrimonial Conduct . Happy were all the Husbands in the Nation , Could they , like me , put down th' old Horning Fashion , And follow this new Dance , as I have led it , Of Cuckolding themselves to save their Credit . Exit . Enter Landy . Landy .

The Plot 's admirably laid , it can't miss , I can't but be pleas'd to think my poor Girl shall be pleas'd too . To say the truth ▪ Mr. Bellvill's an honest Worthy Gentleman ; she had almost as good have been coupled to one of his Hounds , as to this Knight ; but he 'll not be unprovided of a Wife ; and o' my Conscience Phil. will make one good enough for him .

Enter Sir Timothy . Land.

O Sir Tim●…y ; wellcome , I see you hasten Matters .

Sir Tim.

In geud faith I se have been us'd to pursue the Chase , when I like my Game .

Land.

Nay , I must confess , I think Lucy is a fair Quarry .

Sir Tim.

And 〈◊〉 run her down I 〈◊〉 you ; I pray call my Mistress , I se let her know I have provided all things , and the mickle Man of God waits ready for us .

Land.

Without there , bid my Daughter Lucy come presently .

Landy calls for Lucy . Sir Tim.

I se quickly gang into the Country with her ; I am here like one that has lost his way in the night . I hope , Father Landy , we shall see you at Shallow-Hall , 〈◊〉 faith the Bells ●…all twang it away , to bid you wellcome .

Land.

Thank you Son , all in good time .

Enter Lucy , with a Hood over 〈◊〉 face .

Why , how now , what 〈◊〉 up ? here 's Sir Timo●… come to carry you to Church , are you ready ?

Sir Tim.

Yes , Mistress , and y faith I se gang thither more 〈◊〉 , than ever I did to say my Prayers .

Land.

Why , how now Girl , look up ; and speak to Sir 〈◊〉 , what , whimpering 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 ? what say you , Girl , not a word ?

Lucy .

What you please , Sir.

Land.

You must excuse her , she 's so bashful she can't look up .

Sir Tim.

'T is the fashion when Women are going to be Married , they all seem fearful . Why , there was Jane 〈◊〉 of our Town , I was ●…vited to the Wedding , she never held up 〈◊〉 head all the while , but whimpering , and 〈◊〉 she liked the Fellow well enough .

Land.

Besides , Sir Timothy , you may excuse her , she 's a fond Girl , and must leave a fond Father ; come , hold 〈◊〉 thy head , my Child .

Sir Tim.

No matter , Father , I se warrant you , I se blink upon her face hereafter , and gudfaith shew it in the North , where there is ne'er such another ; I se carry them the Northern Star.

Land.

Notably said , in troth .

Enter 〈◊〉 and Feewell .

How now , Mr. Bellville , what brings you at this time of day ?

Bell.

You may easily guess , Sir , I come to demand my Right .

Land.

Your Right , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 your Right ?

Bell.

Your 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 if you 〈◊〉 just 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 word .

Land.

Mr. 〈◊〉 , my Daughter 's dispos'd of , and I am bound in Covenants to this Worthy Knight .

Sir Tim.

'T is e'en so , 〈◊〉 , and I se 〈◊〉 keep her .

Bell.

You shall neither do 't with ease or safety , I shall not quickly submit to such an injury .

Sir Tim.

Nay , geud 〈◊〉 , if you are angry , you may turn the 〈◊〉 of your Girdle behind you .

Bell.

Are you , Madam , consenting to my injury and ruine ?

Lucy .

I must obey my Father , Sir.

Land.

That 's my good Girl . In troth , Mr. Bellville , I esteem you , and wish you well , heartily well 〈◊〉 and if you wish my Daughter well , I hope you will not 〈◊〉 to hinder her good Fortune ; let that prevail with you to excuse me ; Care of a Child , Mr. Bellville is excusable in a Father ; I do not doubt , Sir , but 〈◊〉 Merits will make you happy in another .

Feew.

Faith , Bellville , this is gone so far , that I could wish you might desist , if possible .

Land.

I thank you , good 〈◊〉 , I pray you good Mr. Bellville , you see ? t is impossible for me to go back now .

Bell.

But I can Sue you upon your I 〈◊〉 .

Land.

But I have Signed nothing .

Feew.

Come , Bellville , a Law-Suit will but bring trouble to you 〈◊〉 , let me beg you to desist .

Lucy .

Since I must obey my Father , you will but 〈◊〉 a storm upon us all .

Bell.

Nay , Mrs. since you are of the Party , I must submit .

Land.

In 〈◊〉 , Mr. Bellville , this is very kind , and I wish you had another Lady at the same time , to make you happy , 〈◊〉 I may 〈◊〉 your Wedding-Feast .

Feew.

Why , on my 〈◊〉 that may be ▪ if Bellville will ; I know a Lady that has lov'd him long , and deserves 〈◊〉 , or any one . Now to make all things clear , and that the World may see that you are dis●… from your Promise , I would propose that Bellville should be Mrs. Lucy's Father , and give her in the Church , and permit me to fetch the fair Lady that loves 〈◊〉 and I to be her Father , and give her Bellville at the same time .

Sir Tim.

Geud faith , a rare Contrivance .

Bell.

Since I have 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 Mrs. Lucy , I can 〈◊〉 submit to all the rest .

〈◊〉

I am for 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 you , Mr. Bellville .

Sir Tim.

Y Gud Faith , Sir , I se ever be your Servant ; and if I should have the good For●… to see you at Shallow Hall , I se make you welcome , and shew you good Sport. I have good 〈◊〉 , and a 〈◊〉 of good Hounds as 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 away ; and when we have done our Chase , then what 〈◊〉 think we 〈◊〉 y' 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 e'en 〈◊〉 it away to my Neighbour Allens , and there 〈◊〉 off a 〈◊〉 of 〈◊〉 Ale , and all the while John Slouch , the 〈◊〉 Piper in the North of England , plays to us ; and afterwards every one trips off a Jigg cleverly away .

Feew.

Who are your best Jiggers , Sir Ti●… ?

Sir Tim.

Geud Faith , I have a man without , ee'n 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , that foots it as well as the best .

Feew.

Pray , Sir Timothy , oblige us all with the fight of it .

Sir Tim.

Mar●…y , with all my Heart : Call in my man Jonny .

Enter Johny Thump . Come Johny :

Geud Faith you must trip a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 my 〈◊〉 ▪

Johny .

〈◊〉 can they play John 〈◊〉 his 〈◊〉 ?

Feew.

Yes , I warrant you : Strike 〈◊〉 there .

They play Stoakes ' s Jigg . He 〈◊〉 . Land.

I protest , Son , you are a 〈◊〉 Gentleman , you have half celebrated your own Wedding .

Feew.

Come , let 's dispatch then , for I am to 〈◊〉 a Bride too .

Land.

Come , Child , make your self ready ; you 'l acquaint them , Sir Timothy , where they must come .

Feew.

Aye marry , and fetch the 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 meet 〈◊〉 at the Church-Door .

Land.

Go , Lucy , and make your self ready . So , 〈◊〉 , prosperity attend you ; and in 〈◊〉 , you Mr. Bellvile , in your new Lady .

Exit Lucy .

— — Excellent , it goes smoothly on all . I 'll send and invite my Friends , especially Sir ▪ John Crossit and his Lady , and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 his Wife . — 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 ; Lucy : will have 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . They that have most Wealth , have most Worship : I remember a most pertinent parcel of Verses on the Subject of Riches .

All 〈◊〉 ●…sides is poverty : with Gold , Wit , Vertue , Courage , Honour , bought and sold. Ee'n Jove once doubting his Almighty pow●… . 〈◊〉 his Mistress in a Golden shower . Ex●… .
SCENE the Third , which opens , and 〈◊〉 Lady Crossit in an Undress . Lady Crossit and her Women come forward on the Stage . Lady Crossit .

O Grace , I am undone for ever , This Devilish inhumane Doctor has ruin'd my Face to that degree , 't will never be my own agen ! What could move this Cruel Monster to use me thus ?

Grace .

Madam , I 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 told for 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 I 〈◊〉 gave credit to it 'till now ; that 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 some very extravagant . 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 .

L. Cross.

It must be so , Grace ; for no man living , in his right Senses , would have 〈◊〉 a Woman at such a 〈◊〉 : A Woman that lov'd him too passionately — O my Face !

Grace .

Ah! poor Lady , my very Heart bleeds for you : Did you perceive no 〈◊〉 . Madam , lin 〈◊〉 , Senses , no alteration of his Carriage before the Morning ?

L. Cros.

None , that I remember ; no discomposure of his Carriage , but what was very agreeable . I had no cause to complain of him the first part of the Night .

Grace .

These men who study hard , are often given to odd Fancies , and 〈◊〉 Madness ; but to show it in such an unnatural way , is something more than one would have suspected .

Enter a Servant . Serv :

Madam , Sir John is 〈◊〉 from 〈◊〉 ▪

L. Cros.

O Grace , what shall I do now ▪ What Excuse shall I make for my Face ? say quickly , or I am ruin'd for ever ; Sir John will ask me twenty questions why I am so bepatched .

Grace .

Tell him any thing , Madam ; that you have had a Fit of the Vapours , the Swimmings in the Head , and have got a Fall , and so hurt your 〈◊〉 , or any thing 〈◊〉 that comes 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Head first ; if a Woman sets her self to 〈◊〉 , she ? 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 an 〈◊〉 worth a 〈◊〉 .

L. Cros.

I am so distracted , I can 〈◊〉 think or say any thing .

Grace .

Lay your self down quickly then , and receive Sir John in your Bed , as becomes your 〈◊〉 .

L. Cros.

Had I receiv'd no other , besides Sir John , I had never been so 〈◊〉 . I 〈◊〉 my 〈◊〉 .

Grace .

Hark , I hear him 〈◊〉 ; 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to accost him , and put the best Face on the Business I 〈◊〉 .

Enter Si●… John as : from the Country . Sir John.

What ails your Lady , Grace ? the Servants tell me she is very ill .

Grace .

O Sir ! there 's my poor Lady ; she has had a most violent Fit of th●… Vapours , and spoil'd all her Beauty with an unlucky fall .

Sir John.

Ah my poor Dear ; how is it ? are you not 〈◊〉 — with fulling ?

L. Cros.

Ah Sir John , my Face , my 〈◊〉 , my Face , has receiv'd all the 〈◊〉 ; my 〈◊〉 is 〈◊〉 very Soul of my Body ; I am hurt in the very Soul , 〈◊〉 John.

Sir John Aside

I find Women have 〈◊〉 then .

to her

〈◊〉 shall we 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 you , my 〈◊〉 ? 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 find your 〈◊〉 ?

L. Cros.

Troubl'd with a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , Sir John.

Sir John.

But has not the Doctor been with you yet .

〈◊〉 . 〈◊〉 .

O no , Sir John ▪

Sir John.

Why , what a neglect's that ? 〈◊〉 , look 〈◊〉 your L●…dy , that see she wants nothing , while I my self go for the 〈◊〉 .

L. Cros.

No Doctor , I beseech you , my Dear ; don 't put your self to these perpetual Expences .

Sir John.

I take it unkindly of you , my Dear , that you should think I grudge to give a Guinea or two to do you good ; my whole Estate is too little for such a Wife .

L. Cros.

You 'l ruine your self with Doctors Fees. O Sir John , Si●… John !

Sir John.

Ay , ay , my Dear ; I 'le look all over the Town , but 〈◊〉 find him out , and send him to you immediately ; 〈◊〉 have patience a little , and 〈◊〉 send him to you .

Exit . L. Cros.

What Grace , must I see this Devil of a Doctor agen , after all my 〈◊〉 ? I shall tear his Eyes out of his Head , if ever I light on him , and revenge the Wrong he has done to my Face on hi●…

Grace .

And so I would , Madam , and repay it with Usury .

L. Cross.

And so I will , Grace ; therefore I charge you get a 〈◊〉 of my Foot-men ready with stout Oaken Plants : But he 'l never be so bold to approach me , sure , not even to come near the House .

Grace .

It may be he has forgot what he has done in his mad fit , and may come ; 〈◊〉 if he does , let me alone to prepare a substantial Bastinading for him .

L. Cros.

O , I am so afraid of Visitants ! Give Orders to all the House , that I 'le see no body ; I 'le see no body this half Year : O this Face that has Captivated so many , is ruin'd it self .

Exeunt . Enter Mrs. Lurch and her 〈◊〉 Mrs. Lurch .

So , Betty , now we have caus'd the great Ches●… to be brought from the other Room into this , and got the 〈◊〉 of Ropes ready , let Mr. Feewell come when he will , I am prepar'd to receive him without fear of being discover'd by my Husband : This Plot is so well laid , it cannot but take — When Husbands grow Jealous , they only put us to the trouble of being so much the more Ingenious , and working the Web of our Designs finer . How long is it , Betty , since my Husband has been gone to the Burial ?

Betty .

About half an Hour , Madam .

Mrs. Lurch .

Is 't possible , 't is no more : O what a sweet half Hour of Love's lost by Feewell's not making more haste to take his share of it !

Betty .

'T is scarcely yet the Hour you appointed him .

Mrs. Lurch .

When will that dear Hour come ?

Betty .

Immediately , Madam , have but patience .

Mrs. Lurch .

O , 't will never come 'till he comes !

Betty .

Then 't is already come , for here he is .

Enter Feewell . 〈◊〉 .

Am I not 〈◊〉 daring Lover , in venturing to mount that breach a second time , where I lately ' scap'd a scowring so narrowly ?

Mrs. Lurch .

And to appear a Confess'd Man , whereas before you were glad to 〈◊〉 off in the opprobrious Shape of a Woman .

〈◊〉 .

Love , Child , can do all things ; Almighty Love , that Trans●… the Gods into Birds and Beasts , and all other sort of Living Creatures .

Mrs. Lurch .

Transform'd your Worship into a Chambermaid .

If I 〈◊〉 not , there is another God call'd Fear , altogether as Powerful , which work'd this last wonder , and diminish'd you from the stronger Sex , to the weaker .

〈◊〉 .

Fear that thy Husband should have discover'd thee , no other : But whatsoever Fear diminish'd in me then , Love has restor'd me now , I can tell thee ; and 〈◊〉 thou hast any doubts left concerning my Sex , I am come on purpose to clear ' um .

Mrs. Lurch .

You had as good let the Trial alone , I shall make a Woman of you the second time ; for my Mind misgives me terribly , and I know not why , that my Husband will return upon us unexpectedly as he did before , and if he should , you 'l be changing Sexes again : But for your Comfort , I have taken Compassion on you this time , and found out a securer Retreat than you made use of before ; I have prepared a Ladder of Ropes , not a Rope and a Ladder for you ; by which , if my Husband should surprize us , you may easily escape out of my Bed-Chamber Window into the Garden , and then let your self out , thro' a back door , into the Street : As for that Chest you see there , 't is a Trap for my Husband , if he should 〈◊〉 untimely to disturb us .

Feew.

Prithee tell me no more , I know too much already , and would not think my self secure in my Enjoyment ; It 's difficulty and danger , make an 〈◊〉 pleasant .

Lurch knocks at the door softly . Betty .

Madam , some body knocks at the door .

Mrs. Lurch .

Bless me ! Who can it be ? My Husband would have knock'd louder , and with more Authority ; go to the door softly , and listen a little : How I tremble all over ?

Betty goes to the door . Lurch from without in a Woman's Voice . Lurch .

Will my Lady buy any Ribbands or Gloves to day ?

Betty .

Madam , we are undone ; on my Life it is my Master , who feigns a Woman's Voice ; it must be so , for I am sure I have turn'd away the Ribband Woman once to day already : I am certain 't is a feign'd Voice .

〈◊〉 .

Then I suppose , I must in good Manners betake my self to the Ladder of Ropes , and scamper .

Mrs. 〈◊〉 .

You must so , and that without delay , there 's no help for 't ; but if the Plot I have laid succeeds , I 'le not be long from you .

Feew.

That 's all my Comfort ; what Noses these Husbands have got ! this is the second time this old Bowman has smelt me out .

Mrs. Lurch .

〈◊〉 .

Feew.

What so coldly must we part ! By Heavens , I must have the pleasure of ravishing a Kiss or two , now thy 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 veng'd on him ! — O , I could dwell here for ever !

Mrs. Lurch .

Go , get you gone , till you can Kiss 〈◊〉 . Betty , 〈◊〉 him quickly to escape , and leave me to manage this Ribband Woman .

Feewell and Betty go into the 〈◊〉 Chamber . Lurch knocks again . Mrs. Lurch .

Who 's there ?

Lurch . 〈◊〉 a Woman's Voice

'T is your 〈◊〉 Glove-woman ▪ I have the finest scented Gloves , and new fashion'd Ribbands , no Man in Europe has finer .

Mrs. Lurch .

So , 〈◊〉 has discover'd himself , 't is he , now I must play him 〈◊〉 trick .

She speaks , that her Husband may over-hear her .

Betty , why don't you make more haste ? the 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 ; lock the Chest upon him quickly , quickly .

To her 〈◊〉

I have no need of 〈◊〉 Gloves or Ribbands , at present , 〈◊〉 , I am 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 here another day .

At the door ▪ Re-Enter Betty . Betty .

Madam , all 's safe , you may open the door to your Husband 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 please ; the Bird 's flown .

Mrs. Lurch .

That 's well ; but we must endeavour to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉

Lurch 〈◊〉 〈◊〉

Who 's 〈◊〉 knocks so loud and impertinently ?

Lurch . in his own Voice

'T is I my Dear ; I want something in your Chamber , let me in quickly .

Mrs. Lurch .

Betty , open the door to your Master .

〈◊〉 opens the door , and Lurch rushes 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 , and 〈◊〉 it , she 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Lurch .

What do's you Conscience misgive you 〈◊〉 that you dare not look a Blunderbus in the Face ?

John , 〈◊〉 , Thieves , Thieves .

Calls out . Enter John and Thomas . John.

Where , Sir , where ?

Lurch .

Hid in the House ; 〈◊〉 every Corner , and under the Bed , carefully I charge you .

Exeunt .

I heard her say , lock him in the Chest quickly ; he must be in that Chest there .

The Chest shall be my Throne .

Gets on the Chest.

Where I sit and reign over this Slave and Cuckoldmaker ; the King on Horseback in the Stocks-Market , that tramples on Hereticks and Pagans , is but a Type of me , that triumph over the living 〈◊〉 — Now , Mistress , if you have not a mind to have some Pills discharg'd into your Stomach , to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Amorous 〈◊〉 , tell me immediately and directly , 〈◊〉 you have hid that Robber of my Honour .

Mrs. Lurch .

Whom d'ye 〈◊〉 〈◊〉

Lurch .

You know , Minx , well enough 〈◊〉 I mean ; I mean Feewell , that Polluter of my 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 of my 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 .

Mrs. Lurch .

How should I know ?

〈◊〉 : 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . Lurch .

I believe 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , and 〈◊〉 too ; but what does this Chest do here ? it uses to stand in another Room .

Mrs. Lurch .

O my Dear , I have put some Table Linen in it , and other things , and had it brought into this Room , to be readier at hand .

Lurch .

Where is the 〈◊〉 of it ? give me the Key .

Mrs. Lurch .

You have put 〈◊〉 in 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 , I know not where I laid it ; 't is well I am not with 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 a fright would 〈◊〉 have made me 〈◊〉 .

Lurch .

〈◊〉 , what of a 〈◊〉 ? if 〈◊〉 you 〈◊〉 with Child , I 'm resolv'd to plead 〈◊〉 Guilty , in the face of the World , declare it a Bastard from , the beginning , and proceed to 〈◊〉 it 〈◊〉 't is Born. Come , come , without delay , deliver me the Key of 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 .

Mrs. Lurch .

Nay , prithee , my Dear , 't will be so 〈◊〉 ; I have things there , I 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 .

Lurch .

I 〈◊〉 indeed , there 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that you will want very often .

〈◊〉 two 〈◊〉 . 〈◊〉 .

We have 〈◊〉 every 〈◊〉 , and can 〈◊〉 nothing like a Thief .

Lurch .

〈◊〉 , be 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 keep the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ; then he

Exit .

must be here waiting 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the resurrection of the Flesh ; come , the Key I say , or do you see this ?

Holds the Blunderbuss at her . Mrs. 〈◊〉 .

Yes , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , if you please ; you have murder'd my Honour already , by your base Jealousie ; all the World thinks 〈◊〉 made you a Cuckold .

Lurch .

Then all the 〈◊〉 in the 〈◊〉 .

Mrs. Lurch .

'T is 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 makes you one ▪ you had best kill me , and be hang'd for it .

Betty .

Good Sir , don't hold the Gun so against my Mistriss ; Lord ! if it should go off .

Lurch .

〈◊〉 her give me the Key then .

Enter Sir John Crossit . Sir John.

Why how now , Mr. Lurch , Arm'd , and in a furious Warlike posture ?

Lurch .

Yes , Sir John , I am upon my guard , being near the Enemy .

Sir John.

What Enemy , Mr. Lurch , I see none but your Wife ?

Lurch .

Why that 's one , the other is enclos'd here in this Fortification ; but I shall storm it .

Sir John.

Fie , Mr. Lurch , your 〈◊〉 makes you fancy it .

Lurch .

Sir John , I never saw a Marriage in all my life , but a Cuckold-Maker belong'd to it ; every Husband is as sure of his evil Genius , as having a shadow when the Sun shines on him . A Cuckold-Maker is as inseparate from our Calling , as an Apothecary from a Doctor of Physick he Prescribes , but the Apothecary Administors .

Sir John.

Fie , Mr. Lurch , you grow Extravagant .

Lurch .

Let her give me the Key then .

Mrs. Lurch .

There are Womens things in it , not fit to be sce●… .

Lurch .

I believe so , truly ; now Sir John , do you perceive , Sir John ▪ look you Mrs. no more delays , if you 'll not open the door , I 'll fire upon the Castle .

Offers his Blunderbuss at the Chést . Mrs. Lurch .

Hold , hold , Sir ; here Betty , give him the Key .

Betty .

There 't is , Sir , now for your Discovery .

Mrs. Lurch .

So , have you found this mighty Enemy ▪

Lurch opens the Chest hastily . Sir John.

Nay , Mr. Lurch , this is so unreasonable , are you not asham'd ?

Mr. Lurch .

I had ears sure — this is odd , very odd .

Sir John.

Fie , Mr. Lurch , come ask your Wife forgiveness , and use her more like a reasonable Man.

Lurch .

Why , I confess I did believe she had made me a Beast ; come , Sweet heart , we 'll forget , and forgive .

Mrs. Lurch .

And how long will you continue reasonable ?

Lurch .

As long as you please to let me ; come , my Dear , no more skirmishing , Peace is concluded , and I 'll present thee with a handsome New Gown , and the Appurtenances , as a Testimony of my Reconciliation .

Sir John.

Well said , Mr. Lurch , and now prepare for Mirth and Jollity ; we shall be presently Invited to Mrs. L●…oy's Wedding , and Mr. Lan●… has prepar'd a mighty Feast .

Mrs. Lurch .

Send him a happy Voyage through the u●…certain ways of Matrimony .

Constant severeness that warm Sex inflames , The wildest Haggards gentle Manning tames : Too much ill usage , and to want all trust Raises Revenge , to make their Crimes seem just .
ACT V.
SCENE I.

Lady Crossit ' s Anti-Chamber .

Enter Grace alone . Grace .

THere lies my Lady in the next Room , Railing at , and Cursing the Doctor , and Swearing she 'll tear him to pieces if he durst come near her , and it cannot be long before he must come .

Enter Doctor Lorman .

O Doctor ! you are Born under a Lucky Planet , you are the happiest Man ; my Lady thinks it an Age till she sees you ! But we must speak so●…ly , she 's run half Mad for you ; well , 't is most certain , you are a most taking Man with the Ladies ; and you know mine in particular , has alwaies had an Esteem for your Person , she does nothing but sigh all day for you , I believe poor Lady she 'll run Mad ; but you must be secret , o●… you ruin all , you know there 's a Husband in the case .

Dr. Lorm.

Poor Lady , she needs not fear , I took an Oath to be secret , when I was Sworn Doctor : Alas ! she is not the first Lady who has fallen in love with my Person , one half of my Women Patients are in her Condition .

Grace .

I must inform you , that my Lady has had the Misfortune to hurt her self a little with a fall , as you 'll see by her Face , and has taken that occalion to ●…eign her self 〈◊〉 ●…or your ●…ake , has sent her own Husband to fe●…ch you , and lies on her Bed in the next Chamber , expecting your happy Arrival ; I blush to say more , but you may guess the rest .

Dr. Lorm.

What her Ladyship has a violent sit of the Vapours , I warrant , is it not ? Well , let me alone with her Ladyship .

Grace .

But hold , do you Entertain your self in this Room ; while I acquaint her that you are come , as I am order'd : If the violence of her Passion should cause her to be extravagant in her Actions , you are not to be surpris'd , now I have told you how excessively she loves you .

Dr. Lorm.

Never fear , I can be as Extravagant as she is ; I like an open bare-fac'd Love that con●…es it self ; the more manifest the Disease is , the more easily the Remedy is applied .

Grace .

Expect here a Moment then , and you shall be admitted immediately , I must use you now like a Lover , and not like a Doctor .

Exit . Dr. Lorm.

Doctor or Lover , Lover or Doctor , Student in Physick , or Student in Love , are Synonimous . We Doctors of Physick , have a ●…arge Cure of Bodies , an unlimited ●…rerogative over Flesh and Blood.

Enter Lady Crossit .

But here 's my Patient ! Hem ! Hem ! Now to show my skill in manageing an extravagant sit of Love : Now to show my self a Physician of Parts . Hem ! Hem !

L. Crossit .

Where is this Devil ? Where is this cruel , inhumane , barbarous Monster ?

Dr. Lorm. ( in a soft voice )

Here am I , no Devil , but a Man ; a kind , yielding , melting Lover .

( aside )

she 's in a desperate taking : Hem ! Hem ! How she stares on me , and devours me with her Eyes .

The Doctor scts his Wig in order , and smiles on her . L. Crossit . ( aside )

What does the Villain jear and laugh at me a●…ter all ; O Devil ! Devil ! Let me come ●…ear to th●…e , that I may revenge my self for all I have suffer'd .

Dr. Lorm. ( getting loose from her )

Hold , hold , a Truce .

( ●…ide )

she 's in a furious fit of Love I see ; the Old ●…hilosopher was in the ●…ight — Prima Coitio est acerrima , The first Engagement is the sharpest . Truce , Truce , a little , and I 'm for you again .

Lady Crossit follows him round the Stage , with her Arms stretcht out as before , and the Doctor makes the more haste to unbutton himself . L. Crossit .

O Impudent Devil ! Monstrous Hell-hound ▪ a Rape ! Help ! Help !

Servants come in with Cudgels , and bastonade him round the Room . Dr. Lorm.

Treason ! Treason ! Murder ! Mercy ! Murder ! O my Crevat and Perriwig ! What shall I do ? My Profession's spoil'd for ever !

L. Cros.

Monster ! Devil ! Pound him , break his Bones , beat him to a Jelly !

Enter Sir John Crossit . Sir John.

What all the House in an uproar ! Hold there , and let me know what 's the Matter amongst you ; who 's that Fellow undrest there ?

L. Crossit .

O my Dear , a Monster , that would have offer'd Violence to my Virtue ; would have ravish'd me , but for the Servants who came in to my assistance .

Sir John.

Speak , Monster of Monsters ; what art thou ?

Shaking him by the Collar . Dr. Lorm.

O , Sir John , your most humble Servant ,

I am a Doctor of Physick , my Name 's Lorman ,

Sir John , your most humble Servant .

Enter Grace . Grace .

Dr. Lorman , what , a Doctor of Physick Practising undrest ; is it you , good Doctor , who would have thought it ! I cou'd have sworn Butter wou'd not have melted in his Mouth , by his fine Talking ! — Well , I shall alwaies suspect the worst of a fine Talking man , that can do nothing but Talk finely , for his sake .

Dr. Lorm. ( aside )

Now I begin to see day a little , the Lady is Literally run Mad for Love , and in this mad fit , she thinks I am some Monster or other , and has treated me accordingly : But I must frame some plausible Excuse , to save my Credit and Doctoral Authority , if the aking of my Bones , will permit me to Harangue .

To Sir John.

Honour'd , Sir , I imagine you are not a little surpris'd , as also , your much Honour'd and Virtuous good Lady ; who by this time , I dare aver , is return'd to her good Senses again , to behold a Person of my Coat at this present in disorder : But when you shall have understood the Reasons I had to put in practice this Mysterious Operation ; I promise my self , you will not only hold me guiltless of any ill designs , but also applaud my Conduct and Physical way of Proceeding in a Matter of so weighty Consequence .

L. Crossit . ( aside )

What , is the Villain going to discover all ? What can this mean ?

Dr. Lorm.

Perceiving at my first Entrance . But first let me beg the favour of perusing my Habiliments again .

Sir John.

By all means , pray let the Dr. peruse his Habiliments .

Doctor

( dresses himself , and speaks . )

Perceiving at my first Entrance , as I was saying , that your very honour'd and vertuous good Lady's indisposition — Sir John , may I beg the favour you wou'd be pleas'd to order one of your Attendants to restore my Periwig to its former decorum .

Sir John.

By all means , Doctor ; who 's there ? give the Doctor 's Wig to my Valet to revive it a little .

Dr. Lorm.

Perceiving at my first entrance , as I was saying , that —

Sir John.

I pray dispatch , for my Wife 's indispos'd , and wants repose .

Dr. Lorm.

Now I am a Doctor of Physick again , and can harangue .

L. Cros.

How the Villain holds me in suspence .

Aside to Grace .

O , Grace , I am ruin'd for ever , if he produces the Letter I sent him .

Grace . ( softly ●…o L ▪ Crossit . )

Never fear , Madam , let him go on , I warrant we have Cudgel'd him into discretion .

Dr. Lorm.

Hem , hem , perceiving at my first entrance —

Sir John.

He 's perceiving at his sirst entrance again ; what did you perceive at your first Entrance ?

Dr. Lorm.

That your honour'd and good Lady's indisposition had troubl'd and diverted the right course of her senses , which I soon discover'd by a disorderly stare , or rowling of her eyes ; it immediately came into ●…y head , to restore your Lady's health , by playing a piece of ingenious Extravagance ; upon which , incontinently I fell to undressing and dismantling my self —

Grace .

Yes , incontinently indeed , Doctor !

Dr. Lor.

And threatned to assault your Virtuous Lady by way of a Rape ; but as I hope to receive a Fee to day , without any sinister intention , Sir John , your good Lady's natural inclination to Vertue , restor'd her to her right senses again ; caus'd chiefly by the fright with which I struck her good Ladyship , for I had put on a look as fierce as that of a Centaur .

Sir John.

That is to say , of a Horse Doctor , by way of Parenthesis only .

Dr. Lorm.

Sir John , I am your most humble Servant ; but I am a Member of the Reverend Colledge .

Enter a Servant . Serv.

There 's a Footman without , who enquires for Dr. Lorma●… , say●… he comes from my Lady Lackit , who lies dangerously ill , and desi●…es the Doctor would come to her immediately .

Dr. Lorm. ( aside . )

She 's a very impertinent Lady , I am not in a Condition of serving her at present , but I 'll make use of this pretence to go home , and apply Sal●…es and Ointments to my back and sides .

( to Sir John. )

Sir John , I am heartily sorry I am interrupted by the Request of this Lady , for my Personal Appearance to relieve her , and that I have not leisure to dilate on this wonderful Cure I have wrought to day mo●…ning on your very Virtuous , and much honour'd Lady .

L. Crossit .

I can a●…ure you , Doctor , I won'd rather have chosen to have remain'd indispos'd , than to be Cur'd 〈◊〉 such an undecent and 〈◊〉 way , it has put me in such a fright .

Grace . To her softly

Admirably well Counterfeited , Madam .

D. Lorman .

There is a virtuous Wife for you ; Sir John , you are very happy in a virtuous Lady .

L. Cros. Aside .

〈◊〉 seem to be sorry for his being beaten to satisfie my Husband ( to D. Lorman ) I am in●…initely concern'd , Doctor , that you have receiv'd so 〈◊〉 a Recompence for the great service you have done me to day . My Servants beat you like a very Stock-Fish .

D. Lorm.

Dear Madam , never trouble your self for that , the Credit I shall gain in the World for this Operation , will make me sufficient amends . I aim at Fame — Madam , Hercules gain'd Heaven by his Club ; and I mount up to the top of Fame and Heaven of Reputation , by means of the Cudgel , like a second Hercules — But I must take my leave of you now , Sir John , to wait on this Patient , who expects me ; she is a Lady of Quality , and must be serv'd punctually .

Sir John.

You have more need to look after your self , Doctor ; you must of necessity have receiv'd some damage in your outward Man.

D. Lorm.

Nothing at all , Sir John , a trifle , a Rib or two of lesser note broken , or so , nothing else , on my word , a mee●… Trifle , Sir John , and Madam , your most humble Servant .

Sir John offers him a Fee. D. Lorm.

Sir John , I wonder you 'l put your self to this trouble , suspend your Favours 'till I have done your Lady some further service .

Sir John.

But for the beating , Doctor , you must accept it indeed .

D. Lorm.

You are so obliging , Sir John ! well , I 'le protest I 'le have nothing from you , for my next Visit. Sir John , and sweet Madam , your most humble Servant .

Exit Doctor . Sir John. Aside .

So he said the very last time he was here ; so far by the help of my own Wit , and Grace's assistance , I have carried it victoriously , not only satisfied my self on the Body of him that might have made me a Cuckold , but also reveng'd my self bodily on my Wife , that would have made me a Cuckold .

Come Sweet heart , how does your Face ?

La. Cros.

O Sir John , so torn and scratcht .

Sir John.

Scratching is an Appendix to Caterwauling .

L. Cros.

How , Sir ?

Sir John.

Your Doctor , Madam , was justly beaten for his wonderful Cure , but he was to have cur'd you another way .

L. Cros.

I know not what you mean.

Sir John.

You may understand without my telling you .

L. Cros.

What should I understand ?

Sir John.

Your own Folly.

L. Cros.

Ah me . —

Sir John.

No more , you must understand me now . The Leter and Shirts 〈◊〉 : I have 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , your 〈◊〉 would 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 you than Excuses , or seeming 〈◊〉 .

L. Cros.

Oh Sir John , Can you forgive me ?

〈◊〉 . Sir John.

I 'le try .

L. Cros.

By all my hopes of good , I 'le never more injure you in a Thought .

Sir John.

'T is well , rise and compose your self , for we are invited by Landy , to his Daughter's Wedding , they are ready to 〈◊〉 from Church .

L. Cros.

I hope , Sir , you will not carry me in this Condition .

Sir John.

Yes , but I will , or else worse Interpretation may be made of it ; no more words , I must be obey'd in this ; I have hid your shame and mine : Henceforth , be your own Doctor , and prescribe your self a Constant use of Virtue .

For that Receipt ne're fail'd of doing good , And Cures the looser Feavers of the blood . Exeunt . Enter Landy . Land.

By this time Lucy has her Wishes , and I have mine ; if the Plot should be discover'd , I hope Bellville has too much mettle to lose his Mistress ; the Knight will look as blank as a Cut-Purse , that finds no Money in the place he searcht for — No matter , 't is not the first Game he has lost , and Phill will stand him another very good Chace .

Enter Mr. Lurch and his Wife . O Mr.

Lurch , you are welcome , heartily welcome , and your fair Partner too ; they are coming , Mr. Lurch , with your ●…etters about ' em .

Lurch .

I wish they may prove Easie to all , especially to fair Mrs. Lucy .

Mrs. Lurch .

She deserves all Happiness .

Land.

I thank you both .

Enter Sir John Crossit and his Lady . Sir John ,

Welcome good Sir John , and your good Lady too , what is not your Lady well ?

Sir John.

She has got an unhappy fall , Mr. Landy , and very much hurt her Face , but her respect to you and Mrs. Lucy , forc'd her to come , notwithstanding her unfit Condition .

Land.

In Troth , Madam , I am very much oblig'd to you , the new Married People , I believe , are near upon returning .

Sir John.

Mr. Bellville will be a happy man.

Land.

None , Sir , my Daughter is to be a Lady .

Sir John.

How , a Lady ?

Mr. Lurch .

This is very strange .

Land.

'T is very true , Sir , a Northern Knight , one Sir Timothy Shallow , has out-bid Mr. Bellville by a Thousand a Year .

Sir John.

I wish Mr. Landy that you are not brib'd to make your Daughter unhappy .

Land.

I have known many , Sir John , very unhappy by being too Poor , but never any by being too Rich.

Ha●…ke —

I hear 'em coming .

Soft Musick . Enter ●…well like Hymen , going before ; Sir Timothy and his Lady , and Bellville with his . Feew.

What 's here , a Mask ?

I now represent Hymen , Signior Landy , My Deputy has done as well as can be ; Has made their Tongues tie knots to such a wonder , That their own Teeth , tho' Bones , can't knaw asunder : And now we are for jollity preparing , Which all ( 'till deep Night calls ) shall have a share in . Then we must leave the Lovers to their own share , To end their Kind Disputes in Civil-Warfare ; Where the least Mercy the most Love expresses , And he most gentle proves , that most oppresses . While the Fair Sufferer Languishing cries sie on 't , The God of Love's the only pleasing Tyrant ; Advance , Sir Tim , and with a dutiful guessing , Find out your Daddy quickly , and ask Blessing . Sir Tim.

Your Blessing .

Land.

What , Madam , not down upon your Maribones ; come , off with your trumpery — how — what have we here ?

Pulls off 〈◊〉 Hood . Sir Tim.

What 's the meaning of this ? woe 's me , what have I got ?

Phill.

An Obedient Wife , Sir.

Sir Tim.

Nay , in geud faith , hold a blow , I se not be chous'd so .

Land.

Where 's my Daughter , I am abus'd , where 's my Daughter ?

Bell.

Here , Sir , with her Husband , and beg your Blessing .

Land.

Hey day , what means all this ?

Sir Tim.

Nay , by the Mass , Mrs. Lucy is my Wife , and no other , and I se seize my own Chattel where I find her .

Bell.

You must seize this first .

Offers to draw . Sir Tim.

What a God's name , must one sight for his Wife ? Father Landy , I pray let us send for Mr. Scrible , and clap Actions on 'em for Cheats and Robbers .

Land.

' Troth , Sir Timothy , Law-Suits are dangerous Boggs to get into , we may sink faster than we can get out ; besides , I fear Matters are gone too far .

Feew.

Be appeas'd , Sir Timothy , what 's done , can't be undone ; be contented , many have done worse , you have Marry'd a handsom Woman , vertuous and good .

Lucy .

Believe me , Sir , none exceeds her in goodness , and good humour ; I have esteem'd and lov'd her , as I would a Sister .

Land.

Why , in troth , Sir Timothy , since we are both deceiv'd , the best way is to bear it patiently ; and , in troth , she has always behav'd her self so well , she shall not come a Beggar to you .

Lucy .

I hope , Mr. Bellville , for my sake , will add to my Father's 〈◊〉 .

Bell.

That I will , most willingly , and as largely as my dearest Lucy pleases .

Feew.

Look you there , Sir Knight , come , give her your hand ; nay , never hang back , there is no other Remedy ; come , come , she 'll bring you a brave young Shallow .

Sir Tim.

If it must be so , y faith I se gang into the North as fast as four Legs will carry me .

Phill.

This minute , if you please ; Sir , you shall ever find me an Obedient Wife , and with true Love and Care will ever strive to please you .

Sir Tim.

Since I am Pounded , and no 〈◊〉 out , I se e'en make the best of a bad Market .

Land.

I dare swear you will be pleas'd with her , when you know her better . Come , no more words , nothing now but Musick , and every Man take his Lady .

Feew.

I having none of my own , must presume to borrow another Man's .

Lurch .

Like enough , in troth .

Enter Servant to Landy . Serv.

Sir , here are Gipsies , that desire admittance .

Land.

Let 'em come in , all 's free this day .

Enter Gip●… . 1. Gipsie .

Bless you Masters , we 'll tell your Fortunes .

To Bellville . O Master ! you may be happy if you will , For 't is a good Jack , that makes a good Gill. 2. Gipsie .

Master , Master .

You have a great Cross thro' the Line of Life , Perhaps y' are Jealous , y 'had as good trust your Wife .

To Lurch . 3 Gipsie .

You shall enjoy good health , and good cheer , And have a young Huntsman within the year .

To Sir Tim. 4 Gipsie .

O brave Palms , you have Mistresses plenty , And you can be Constant at once to twenty .

To Feewell . Old Landy .

Come , Mr. Lurch , you cou'd Sing well in your young days , if Marriage has not crackt your Voice , let 's hear the Dialogue between you , and your Wife ; it may be a means to make a thorough Reconciliation .

DIALOGUE . He. WHy so Coy , and so Strange ? Does your Kindness decline ? Your Love find a Change , Or do you doubt mine ? She. When inconstant Men grow , We c●…n quickly discern , And ou●… Sex you ●…ll know , Are apt Scholars to Learn . I watch'd how your Eyes on Phillis wero g●…ncing , Crown'd with a Garland of Roses for Dancing : When t●…e Pedlar came , you gave her a Lace , And a fine gaudy string for her Needle-Case . He. You remember , it may be , When you were May-Lady , The nimble Thyrsis so Caper d and Chanted , You gave him a Ribband so long that it ●…aunted And wav'd in the air ; when the brisk youth then try'd For a Kiss , you simper'd , and faintly deny'd : And blushing ; you only cry'd fie , forbear , You 're such another ; nay , pish , I swear There was ne'er in the World such rudeness as this ; Yet gently contriv'd he shou'd rav●…sh a Kiss . He.

Now prithec let 's leave this impertinent str●…ggle ,

She.

For Men will be false ,

He.

And Women will juggle .

Both. Then let us be easie by freedom hereafter , For Jealousie never yet mended the Matter . He.

What 's past , we 'll forget ,

She.

What 's to come , ne'er enquire ,

Both.

But take surest Advice of present Desire .

Land.

Now to such poor Cheer as I have provided for you ;

Joys Crown you all , every one here 's my Guest , 〈◊〉 all are welcome to a Mis●…'s Feast .

Exeunt Omnes . FINIS .