WHere the Devil is this Master of mine ? he is ever out of the way when he should do himself good . This 't is to serve a Coxcomb , one that has no more brains than just those I carry for him . Well! of all Fopps commend me to him for the greatest ; he 's so opinion'd of his own Abilities , that he is ever designing somewhat , and yet he sows his Stratagems so shallow , that every Daw can pick'em up : from a plotting Fool the Lord deliver me . Here he comes , O! it seems his Cousin's with him , then it is not so bad as I imagin'd .

I think 't was well contriv'd for your access to lodge her in the same house with you .

'T is pretty well I must confess .

Had he plotted it himself , it had been admirable

For when her Father Moody writ to me to take him Lodgings , I so order'd it , the choice seem'd his , not mine .

I have hit of a thing my self sometimes , when wiser Heads have miss'd it — But that might be meer luck .

Fortune does more than Wisdom .

A minute's stay may lose your business .

Well , go then , — but you must grant , if he had stay'd , I could have found a better way , — you grant it .

Let me alone for plotting .

Sure ! you think you have to deal with a Fool , Cousin ?

O my dear Neice , I have some business with you .

Go thy wayes for a most conceited Fool. — But to our business , Cousin : you are young , but I am old , and have had all the Love-experience that a discreet Lady ought to have ; and therefore let me instruct you about the Love this rich Lord makes to you .

You know , Madam , he 's Marry'd , so that we cannot work upon that ground of Matrimony .

But there are advantages enough for you , if you will be wise and follow my advice .

Sweet-heare , it shall be the better for you another day : well then , this Lord that pretends to you is crafty and false , as most men are , especially in Love ; — therefore we must be subtle to meet with all his Plots , and have Countermines against his Workes to blow him up .

As how , Madam ?

Why , Girl , hee 'l make fierce Love to you , but you must not suffer him to ruffle you , or steal a kiss : but you must weep and sigh , and say you 'l tell me on 't , and that you will not be us'd so ; and play the innocent just like a Child , and seem ignorant of all .

I warrant you ' I le be very ignorant , Madam .

And be sure when he has tows'd you , not to appear at Supper that night , that you may fright him .

No , Madam .

That he may think you have told me .

I Madam .

And keep your Chamber , and say your head akes :

O , most extreamly , Madam .

And lock the door , and admit of no night-visits : at Supper I 'l ask where 's my Cousin , and being told you are not well , I 'l start from the Table to visit you , desiring his Lordship not to incommode himself ; for I will presently wait on him agen .

But how , when you are return'd , Madam ?

Then somewhat discompos'd , I 'l say , I doubt the Meazles or Small-pox will seize on you , and then the Girl is spoil'd ; saying , Poor thing , her Portion is her Beauty and her Vertue ; and often send to see how you do , by whispers in my Servants ears , and have those whispers of your health return'd to mine : if his Lordship thereupon askes how you do , I will pretend it was some other thing .

Right , Madam , for that will bring him further in suspence .

A hopeful Girl ! Then will I eate nothing that night , feigning my grief for you ; but keep his Lordship Company at Meal , and seem to strive to put my passion off , yet shew it still by small mistakes .

A dainty Girl ! and after Supper visit you again , with promise to return strait to his Lordship : but after I am gone send an Excuse , that I have given you a Cordial , and mean to watch that night in person with you .

His Lordship then will find the Prologue of his trouble , doubting I have told you of his ruffling .

And more than that , fearing his Father should know of it , and his Wife , who is a Termagant Lady : but when he finds the Coast is clear , and his late ruffling known to none but you , he will be drunk with joy .

Finding my simple Innocence , which will inflame him more .

Then what the Lyon's skin has fail'd him in , the Foxes subtlety must next supply , and that is just , Sweet-heart , as I would have it ; for crafty Folks treaties are their advantage : especially when his passion must be satisfi'd at any rate , and you keep shop to set the price of Love : so now you see the Market is your own .

Truly , Madam , this is very rational ; and by the blessing of Heav'n upon my poor endeavours , I do not doubt to play my part .

My blessing and my pray'rs go along with thee .

I believe , Madam , here is the young Heiress you expect , and with her he who is to marry her .

Howe're I am Sir Martins Friend , I must not seem his Enemy .

Madam , this fair young Lady begs the honour to be known to you .

My Father made me hope it , Madam .

Sweet Lady , I believe you have brought all the Freshness of the Country up to Town with you .

I came up , Madam , as we Country-Gentlewomen use , at an Easter-Term , to the destruction of Tarts and Cheese-cakes , to see a New Play , buy a new Gown , take a Turn in the Park , and so down agen to sleep with my Fore-fathers .

I doubt , Madam , you are indispos'd with your Voyage ; will you please to see the Lodgings your Father has provided for you ?

To wait upon you , Madam .

This is the door , — there is a Gentleman will wait you immediately in your Lodging , if he might presume on your Commands .

You mean Sir Martin Marrall : I am glad he has entrusted his passion with so discreet a person .

Sir John , let me intreat you to stay here , that my Father may have intelligence where to find us .

I shall obey you , Madam .

Sir Martin Marrall ! most happily encounter'd ! how long have you been come to Town ?

Some three dayes since , or thereabouts : but I thank God I am very weary on 't already .

Why , what 's the matter , man ?

My villainous old luck still follows me in gaming , I never throw the Dice out of my hand , but my Gold goes after 'em : if I go to Picquet , though it be but with a Novice in 't , he will picque and repicque , and Capot me twenty times together : and which most mads me , I lose all my Sets when I want but one of up .

The pleasure of play is lost , when one loses at that unreasonable rate .

But I have sworn not to touch either Cards or Dice this half year .

The Oaths of losing Gamesters are most minded ; they foreswear play as an angry Servant does his Mistress , because he loves her but too well .

But I am now taken up with thoughts of another nature ; I am in love , Sir.

That 's the worst Game you could have play'd at , scarce one Woman in an hundred will play with you upon the Square : you venture at more uncertainty than at a Lottery : for you set your heart to a whole Sex of Blanks . But is your Mistress Widow , Wife , or Maid ?

Does she accept your service ?

I am the only person in her favour .

Is she of Town or Country ?

How 's this ?

She is of Kent , near Canterbury .

What does he mean ? this is his Rival —

Near Canterbury say you ? I have a small Estate lies thereabouts , and more concernments than one besides .

What do you mean , Sir , to intrust this man with your Affair thus ? —

Trust him ? why , he 's a friend of mine .

No matter for that ; hark you a Word Sir. —

Prethee leave fooling : — and as I was saying — I was in the Church when I first saw this fair one .

Her Name , Sir , I beseech you .

For Heaven's sake , Sir , have a care ?

Thou art such a Coxcomb . — Her name 's Millisent .

Now , the Pox take you Sir , what do you mean ?

Millisent say you ? that 's the name of my Mistress .

Lord ! what luck is that now ! well Sir , it happen'd , one of her Gloves fell down , I stoop'd to take it up ; And in the stooping made her a Complement . —

The Devil cannot hold him , now will this thick-skull'd Master of mine tell the whole story to his Rival —

You 'l say , 't was strange Sir ; but at the first glance we cast on one another , both our hearts leap'd within us , our Souls met at our Eyes , and with a tickling kind of pain slid to each others breast , and in one moment setled as close and warm , as if they long had been acquainted with their lodging . I follow'd her somewhat at a distance , because her Father was with her .

Sawcy Rascal , avoid my sight ; Must you tutor me ? So Sir , not to trouble you , I enquir'd out her Father's House , without whose knowledge I did Court the Daughter , and both then and often since coming to Canterbury , I receiv'd many proofs of her kindness to me .

You had best tell him too , that I am acquainted with her Maid , and manage your love under-hand with her .

Well remember'd i'faith , I thank thee for that , I had forgot it I protest ! my Valet de Chambre , whom you see here with me , grows me acquainted with her Woman —

O the Devil . —

In fine Sir , this Maid being much in her Mistresses favour , so well sollicited my Cause , that in fine I gain'd from fair Mistress Millisent an assurance of her kindness , and an ingagement to marry none but me .

'T is very well ! you 've made a fair discovery ! —

A most pleasant Relation I assure you : you are a happy man Sir ! but , What occasion brought you now to London ?

That was in expectation to meet my Mistress here ; she writ me word from Canterbury , she and her Father shortly would be here .

She and her Father , said you Sir ?

Tell him Sir , for Heavens sake tell him all —

So I will Sir , without your bidding : her Father and she are come up already , that 's the truth on 't , and are to lodge by my Contrivance in you House ; the Master of which is a cunning Rascal as any in Town — him I have made my own , for I lodge there .

You do ill , Sir , to speak so scandalously of my Landlord .

Peace , or I 'l break your Fool 's head , — So that by his means I shall have free egress and regress when I please Sir — without her Fathers knowledge .

I am out of patience to hear this . —

Methinks you might do well , Sir , to speak openly to her Father .

So now he has told her Father's name , 't is past recovery .

Is her Fathers name Moody say you ?

Is he of your acquaintance ?

No Sir , I 'le give you better ; trouble not your self about this Lady ; her affections are otherwise engaged to my knowledge — hark in your Ear — her Father hates a Gamester like a Devil : I 'le keep your Counsel for that too .

Nay but this is not all dear Sir John.

Your Affairs are now put into an excellent posture , Thank your incomparable discretion — this was a Stratagem my shallow wit could ne're have reach'd , to make a Confident of my Rival .

I hope thou art not in earnest man ! is he my Rival ?

To the first of your Devil 's I answer , her Maid Rose told me on 't : to the second I wish a thousand Devils take him that would not hear me .

O unparallell'd Misfortune !

O unparrellell'd ignorance ! why he left her Father at the water-side , while he lead the Daughter to her Lodging , whither I directed him ; so that if you had not laboured to the contrary , Fortune had plac'd you in the same House with your Mistress , without the least suspicion of your Rival or of her Father : but , 't is well , you have satisfi'd your talkative humour : I hope you have some new project of your own to set all right agen : for my part I confess all my designs , for you are wholly ruin'd ; the very foundations of 'em are blown up .

Prethee insult not over the Destiny of a poor undone Lover , I am punish'd enough for my indiscretion in my despair , and have nothing to hope for now but death .

Death is a Bug-word , things are not brought to that extremity , I●l cast about to save all yet .

O , Sir Martin ! yonder has been such a stir within , Sir John , I fear , smoaks your design , and by all means would have the old man remove his Lodging ; pray God your man has not play'd false .

Like enough I have : I am Coxcomb sufficient to do it , my Master knows that none but such a great Calf as I could have done it , such an over-grown Ass , a self-conceited Ideot as I. —

Nay , Warner , —

Pray , Sir , let me alone : — what is it to you if I rail upon my self ? now could I break my own Loggar-head .

Nay , sweet Warner .

What a good Master have I , and I to ruine him : O Beast ! —

Not to discourage you wholly , Sir Martin , this storm is partly over .

As how , dear Cousin .

When I heard Sir John complain of the Landlord , I took the first hint of it , and joyn'd with him , saying , if she were such an one , I would have nothing to do with him : in short I ratled him so well , that Sir John was the first who did desire they might be lodg'd with me , not knowing that I was your Kinswoman .

Pox on 't , now I think on 't , I could have found out this my self . —

Are you there agen , Sir ? — now as I have a Soul —

Mum , good Warner , I did but forget my self a little , I leave my self wholly to you , and my Cousin ; get but my Mistress for me and claim what e'r reward you can desire .