Two Wise Men and All the Rest Fools Chapman, George This text is an enriched version of the TCP digital transcription A18423 of text S107717 in the English Short Title Catalog (STC 4991). Textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. The text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with MorphAdorner. The annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). Textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. Martin Mueller Incompletely or incorrectly transcribed words were reviewed and in many cases fixed by Madeline Burg This text has not been fully proofread EarlyPrint Project Evanston IL, Notre Dame IN, St.Louis, Washington MO 2017 Distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License A18423.xml Tvvo vvise men and all the rest fooles: or A comicall morall, censuring the follies of this age as it hath beene diverse times acted. 56 600dpi TIFF G4 page images University of Michigan, Digital Library Production Service Ann Arbor, Michigan 2003 January (TCP phase 1) 99843413 STC (2nd ed.) 4991. Greg, II, 361. 8145 A18423

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 Tvvo vvise men and all the rest fooles: or A comicall morall, censuring the follies of this age as it hath beene diverse times acted. Two wise men and all the rest fooles Two wise men and all the rest fooles: or A comicall morall, censuring the follies of this age. Comicall morall, censuring the follies of this age. Chapman, George, 1559?-1634. [4], 104 p. S.n.], [London : Anno. 1619. 1619

Sometimes attributed to George Chapman.

Place of publication from STC.

Reproduction of the original in the Henry E. Huntington Library and Art Gallery.

 A18423 shc Two Wise Men and All the Rest Fools Chapman, George Madeline Burg 1619 play comedy shc no A18423 S107717 (STC 4991). 42079 0 0 0 2520059.89D The rate of 59.89 defects per 10,000 words puts this text in the D category of texts with between 35 and 100 defects per 10,000 words. Incorporated ~ 10,000 textual changes made to the SHC corpus by Hannah Bredar, Kate Needham, and Lydia Zoells between April and July 2015 during visits, separately or together, to the Bodleian, Folger and Houghton Libraries as well as the Rare Book Libraries at Northwestern University and the University of Chicago

TVVO VVISE MEN AND ALL THE REST FOOLES : OR A COMICALL MORALL , CENsuring the follies of this age , as it hath beene diverse times acted .

Anno. 1619 .

Names of the Actors . Proberio . Antonio . Rustico . Sperato . Insatiato . Lamia . Malingua . Furioso � Purgato . Parvagracio . Simplo . Securus . Hortano . Spurco . Infaelicto . Susanna . Mureto . Corraso . Stercorato . Levitia . Noverindo . Hermito . Acuto . Gulato . Granato . Phantastico . Camerado . Pestifero . Vulcano .
PROLOGVS .

RIGHT noble and worthy Assembly : It hath beene a very auncient and laudable custome , in the best gouerned common-wealthes , to admit and fauourably to allow interludes and discourses vpon the Stage for diuers reasons ; but especially two . The one , to entertaine the welconditioned people with some delightfull and fruitfull conceits , thereby as it were to deceiue idlenes of that time which it had allotted for worse purposes . The other , for the iust reprehension of such as with serious and more graue aduisings cannot or will not be so freely admonished and corrected . The later of these two respects hath begotten this Dialogue , ready to be acted , principally and specially pointing that Impe which is infortunately fostered vp to this day , to ruine it selfe with infamy . Onely this comfort is afforded , that if he be present , and withall silent , he may suppose that of all others it concernes not him . If hee be absent ( as most likely he is ) then euery other that findes himselfe parcell guilt may see the deformity , and forbeare the excesse . Other touches and passages are , which our Author and wee present not with minde to offend any , but to please the weldisposed . And so in the name of all the rest I entreate courteous audience , and pardon of all faults .

TVVO VVISE MEN AND ALL THE REST FOOLES .
ACT I.
SCENA I. Enter Proberio alone .

HOw much wee that haue beene trauailers differ from other kindes of people ? So soone as we arriue , we are attended to the Burse or Randevou of Merchants . There we walke as if the whole world hath neede to be informed , yea and directed by vs in matters of greatest moment ; such as is trafficke and commerce with forraine nations , and the state and disposition of those kingdomes through which we haue passed . For it may be we can giue intelligence of preparations and invasions . We can demonstrate their strength and munition . We can number their Captaines and Generals . We can discouer their designes and confederates . And finally , we can lay plots to crosse and make voide all their purposes , and stratagems , which these home-bred and countrie spunne people can neuer attaine vnto . Therefore by good right we are had in esteeme , and speciall request , and courteously receiued of Councellors of state wheresoeuer we come . Neither doe we tye our selues to any one dominion more then another , but indifferently to all states we deliuer freely the condition of euery nation . And the place we ��ll i��o is our best beloued so long as there we tarry , and not a minute longer . We oblige our selues to no Prince for gold nor gaine , nor be pensioners to any Monarche : but with desire to see more we passe through all gouernements , vnchecked and vncontrolled , because we take part with none , offend , none , nor are false to any . And this life wee loue aboue all liues , not content with any life , but that which seekes an other life .

Enter Simplo and Nouerindo .

Mounsieur Proberio , you are welcome home .

Pro.

That 's more then you know Segnieur Simplo , what countrey shal be my home ?

Simp.

Then you are welcome into England .

Pro.

Thankes gentle Simplo .

Simp.

What newes ? And what company came ouer with you ?

Pro.

Newes I haue none but ordinary to tell you . With the state I shall haue some businesse . And in my company came ouer an old acquaintance of yours , one Segnieur Antonio , a man of extraordinary action and faction .

Simp.

If it be the man I contiecture him to be � his name is plaine Anthony , an English man , borne some 70 miles from London Northwest , and hath beene beyond seas some seuen or twelue yeeres .

Pro.

That 's the man . But wee call him Segnieur Antonio , by reason of his trauailers in Italy and other places .

Simp.

As he hath chang'd his name and countrey , hath he not altered his conditions ? I assure you he was very honest , and of good expectation before he went .

Pro.

No , vpon my word . Hee came ouer a great deale better then he went , and well qualified : and there was no doubt but he would continue so still , but that couetousnes , and the diuel 's on 't .

Simp.

What ? is he giuen to that ? it were great pity .

Pro.

Well , this Sir Antonio or Anthony whether you will � hath seene many countries , and learned many strange qualities .

Simp.

Strange qualities ! bee they as good as they bee strange ?

Pro.

Nay , doe you iudge ? I le tell you some of them . And if you like them , wee 'll put them in print , and set them vp to be sold at the Hospitall porch , neere S. Nicholas shambles , and annexed to the great thing in magna charte , or magno folio , entituled , an Admonition to householders .

Simp.

Well , if they deserue so , it shal be so ; and I 'le bestow the cost in printing , and deale with a friend for their allowance sub priuilegio .

Pro.

But first I 'le account to thee what accidents wee had in trauaile .

Simp.

But I 'le heare nothing till I heare them .

Pro.

No ? what if I should first reade a Sermon preached within these seuen dayes at Amsterdam by a man of most pure profession and inuention not ordinary , passing all that liued before or behind him in the nouell straine ; himselfe of the right cut of Carolstadius : in which Sermon hee prooues most deuoutly , that it is Idolatry to fight against the Turke . Wouldst thou not heare that first ?

Simp.

No . What tell'st thou me of Sermons ? let 's haue these qualities without any more digressions .

Pro.

Well , since you are so desirous , you shall haue them by whole sale , retaile them at leysure when you come home .

Imprimis , when he liueth in a great towne like , London , he loues to lye in a corner ouer the Kitchen , because the Iack shall not whirle too often , to waken or distract him in prayer . His dinners are for the most part ordinary , except foure dayes in the weeke he visite his house-keeping friends . And at supper a couple of egges , and a bit of cheese is a choyce dyet after a liberall dinner : besides it saues fire and washing of dishes .

Simp.

But if I were his man , if he kept no better cheere at his chamber � I would make the cheese frye vntill the butter were spent .

Pro.

But your cunning would fayle you , for hee hath a tricke beyond your reach for preseruing his cheese . But to the next .

Secondly , hee so cauils and wrangles with any man that he deales withall , that they neuer agree or loue after , and yet euery Saterday he makes eauen with all the world .

Simp.

Thou tell'st mee a wonder . How shall I beleeue this ?

Pro.

It is so : chuse whether thou wilt beleeue me , or no .

Simp.

Let me see how these can be reconciled .

Pro.

Canst thou not reconcile them ? I see thou art a very barren fellow ; thou hast not a spoonfull of wit . I am sorry that euer I vndertooke to teach thee these incomparable tricks of Don Antonio , laboured for so toughly in climing the Alpes , and so dangerously brought downe � Thou look'st too neerehand , as if a man would spye for a Woodcocke in the next queath of bushes ; wheras thou oughtst to eleuate thy aspect to thy vttermost kenning , as those doe that lye on their backes to keepe sight of haukes which aspire beyond the first region . Search me the furthest corner of thy capacity , and there see if perhaps doe lye as in an abstruse angles , some secret patterne of these proiects . Euery Buzzard will prye if a mowle or a mouse shall happen in an houres watching to creepe from a bushe right vnder her stand : giue mee the Eagle soaring conceits , to spye what springs before the furthest ranger a mile off .

Simp.

I know not how to diue into this bottomles secret � It is sure some riddle . I pre thee suspend me no longer : for if I should beate my braines with an Iron pestle , not a sprinkle of them will light vpon the outside of this enigmaticall proposition . Nay , good now tell me , how he that palters with euery body , should be eauen at weekes end .

Pro.

Well , I will not sticke with thee for this once , but looke not for it often ; for I 'le not vse you to it . Finde them out by your owne study for me heereafter . You are of age one would thinke . Thus it is : hearken well what I say at first . for I le not repeate it againe for losing of time . He is eauen with all the world euery Saterday . Those were my words , and I 'le make them good ; marke diligently .

Simp.

Nay , pre thee dispatch , or els I cannot marke as I was wont to doe . The marke will bee out of my mouth if you come not quickly out with it .

Pro.

Well , euery Saterday night he makes eauen with all the world , because hee wil be the better disposed against sonday . Hem Ha .

Simp.

Alas ! not yet � I am not able to endure it , I faint .

Pro.

He is euen that is to say . Ha . Ha . Hae.

Simp.

O my heart : not yet . A penieworth of Aquauita , if I shall liue .

Pro.

Hold , hold : thou shalt haue it presently : t is at my tongues end .

Simp.

Well , say on . If my sences faile not , I le heare you .

Pro.

He loues no body then , and no body loues him . And thus thou seest there 's no oddes , but all eauen .

Simp.

What a jest is this ? there 's an eauen reckoning with the diuels name . You shall be hang'd before I le torment my selfe with desire to heare any more of your knauish tricks . I le be sworne I had like to mar'd all . It wrought with me like a purgation . It has giuen mee a treble stoole at once , though I find no fault . I haue it hot � and worse then any perfuming pan in the world . You scuruy fellow , an t were no for loosing land I haue ( he layes his hand vpon his sword ) not maruaile though a man must be sicke at heart ( I sweare ) and study so hard , and straine my wits to reach the reason of this riddle . I am sure I did ouershoot it 40. yards , and had like to put a dozen cases , how these two cases might well enough haue stood together in one subiect salua conscientia , taken out of Scotus , and Thomas Aquinas , fully resolu'd by them ; but still I doubted I should fall short : therefore I thought better to conceale them : and now doest thou gull me thus grossely ?

Pro.

Ha . Ha . Hae. An thou be a good fellow rehearse three or foure of these cases thou hadst like to haue produced ; and let 's iudge how fitly they had beene applyed if neede had beene .

Simp.

To what end ? for thee to mocke mee more ? you may command : but if I were willing , thou hast now put them quite out of my minde , I know not where to beginne .

Pro.

I thinke so . Thou were pockily distempered .

Simp.

Wil 't please you to proceede ? let 's heare some more of your goodly squires conditions .

Pro.

Thirdly . When he meanes to ride to his countreyhouse , he goes three daies before to some groomes at court . And if from them he learne any newes ( if it be but of a posy given the king of Fraunce by his nurse , or that a fisher man sayling by the Barmoothes saw a fire at singing of a hog ) this carries him scot-free to all the � gentlemens houses of his acquaintance scituate , set , lying , & being within seaven miles of the high way of any side vntill at length he set foot at his owne stable dore pecunijs numeratis remaining entire in his right pocket . And the like he can doe retrogrado to London , but by variety of friends because the same newes may be newes forward and backward .

Simp.

This is a very plaine tricke , and needes no such encomions , and Epithets of commendation as you bestow on it .

Pro.

Is it so Sir ? ther 's your iudgement , and bolt soone shot . But if I shew that it is a very difficill , ambiguous , perilous , perplexed and involved stratagem , what will become of your opinion hereafter ?

Simp.

Who ? here 's a busines about riding a few miles by many gentlemens houses , as though it requires such ingenious circumstances .

Pro,

I , that it does Sir . And I vndertake to make it appeare though perhaps you haue nere a capcase to put it in .

First Segnior Anthony so soone as he puts foot in the stirrop , is to feare least the Master & Mistres should not be at home & his perplexity in that case is very hardly dissolved .

Secondly how to carry his tales and discourses methodically .

Thirdly to take heede he discover no familiarity with the gentlemans adversary .

Lastly what kinde of farewell he were best to take at parting . These be matters of mighty moment ( as thou seest ) which he hath to cast , and recast ; to meditate , and ponder ; to tosse , and tumble ; to revolue , and resolue ; to put forwarde with Pro , and pull backe with contra , to obiect , and confute ; to throw doubts and mishaps like snow-bals , and against them erect bulwarks & defences , to admit wounds & scars , and to apply salues ; to conclude , come what come will to haue cordials in store , & all little enough to saue his best beloved in his purse . And yet thou Dunstable breed thoughtst it as easie a matter to performe them handsomely as to make a good posset with a quart of new like and a quantity of cleere chamberly .

Simp.

Sir I confesse all these be farre aboue my element : and that in many yeares study I cannot comprehend one of them , therefore , I leaue th� to your cavaglyer without Peere in mine opinion . Hath he any more qualities of this nature ? Le ts haue them , for at least I shall learne some wit out of them .

Pro.

Thou learne wit out of them ? never while thou livest : not honestly neither . They will rather rob thee of those wits thou hast , he hath infinite such as these , which in verie pitty to thee I forbeare to relate at this time � These are enough to conceiue at once . For if I should driue them all into thy braines togither , though it were with a tenne-pennynaile , thou couldst not carry them away : but rather they would make thee madde in the case thou art now .

Simp.

Why ? what case am I in thinkst thou ?

Pro.

Not sit I was to receiue such potions without due preparation .

Simp.

What shall I doe to be made fit for their operatio� ? I le take any course thou wilt prescribe me to get perfection . And I can imitate like an Ape .

Pro.

Thou makst a large offer , & a rash , which full soone ( I doubt ) thou wilt revoke : but I le try thee . Before thou begin to professe this art , thou must forget all rules and instructions of manners taught thee by thy fathers , godfathers , or schoolemasters , and renounce all good counsaile given thee from the beginning of the world to this day : that so being an empty and voide vessell thou maist be the more apt to receiue the tincture and impression applyed . And thus begin thy A.B.C. in matchevillaines schoole . Otherwise ; if thou shouldst reserue but so much as a secret intention to keepe thine old honesty on the one side of thy head , and lay open the tother side to entertaine these restlesse and still stirring cratchets , there would be such hurly burly in thy brain , that all the wit thou hast will not keepe them in order . Therefore , if thou desirest to be of the cunning cure � and withall lov'st thine own peace � come cleere without wit or honesty , wee le teach enough in a weeke to serue thee all thy life time . I le bring thee acquainted , and then I le turne him loose to teach and furnish thee with destructions enough for a whole country .

Simp.

Destructions . What should I doe with them except it were to destroy others . But I doubt I shall pay deare for my schooling , and that I like not . But for the other point of parting with my former good lessons , faith , I can quickly doe that for I never gain'd any thing by them , therefore I can be content to come to him as naked as ever I was born .

Pro.

That 's great step to your well profiting I may say to you ; and t is a great signe of grace to be obedient , and wholly to resigne your selfe to good inspirations : but canst thou tell when thou hast good counsell giuen thee ?

Simp.

Not I ; more then a child : For now you haumade me put off all my old learning I am become a very innocent , as if I were this day taken from my mammee : but I trust you because you are my frend . I hope you le put me to none , but such as shall teach me enough for my mony . And you say he is wise and will giue me samples enough , & then I warrant you I le take um like a spunge till I be twice so big as I am .

Pro.

Well , then thus farre we are agreed . And I wish you not to stand vpon his getting by you , least you be penny-wise , and pound foolish .

Simp.

How learn'd you his cunning so perfectly ? haue you knowne him long .

Pro.

O , I� why I haue knowne him these 30 yeares at least , and convers'd with him in his best times ; somewhat it cost me you must thinke , but that 's past . I would not for any thing but that I did knowne throughly .

Simp.

Has he beene in Italy then as you said before ?

Pro.

I that he has , and caried from thence more than all the townes in Italy could spare .

Simp.

what 's that ?

Prob.

I will not tell thee , thou hast already more then thou canst well beare : thou art almost drunke with the very smell of his wit , or else thou wouldst never so idly aske me a question which I told thee twentie times .

Nover.

Mounsieur Proberio , I have heard all the conference between you and Simplo : and I doe so much mislike your discourse that I cannot chuse but oppose my selfe in my frends behalfe whom I heare egregiously to be wrong'd by you Proberio .

Pro.

In what Noverindo , haue I done him injury ?

Nov.

In all your speech generally : and in many particulars .

Pro.

O vniversall Noverindo in what particulers ?

Nov.

T is no matter . I le tell him all when we meet next �

Pro.

That 's not matter . but canst thou disproue me in any thing I said ? or dost thou knowe any good by him that I haue not spoken of �

Nov.

Faith , or else I knowe but little : for if you praise � frend on this fashion I prethee speake the worst thou canst by me .

Pro.

Sir , it may bee I le pleasure you so much : but to the matter � canst thou disproue me in any thing I said ?

Nov.

Yes , that I can , & that I will . I can disproue thee in that thou saidst hee never deales � with any man but hee cavills , and wrangles with him � which is vntrue . And I had much adoe to keepe in my mother tongue , but could haue found in my heart presently to haue put the lye downe thy throat , but I did bridle my nature to heare all thou wouldst speake . And now to demonstrat thy falshood , I say , and will iustifie that he is as good a 10 i th 100 man either to giue or take as any is in London � and that he keeps his daies ( especially of receit ) as strictly to an howre as any man . And further , that hee cavelleth or wrangleth not with any in this Kind : therefore you are a lying fellow .

Prob.

Not to forward with your lyes Noverindo if you loue your selfe : for though I will not fight for feare of the proclamation yet knowe I can make you giue me satisfaction vpon your knee if I would complaine : but I will seek no such advantage ; for the cause it selfe giue mee victory enough over thee , and returnes the lie most brauely into thy gullet . I can proue Nody Noverindo , that in thy owne trade and his of decem per cent . when he lost 100l which the scriuener deliuered his owne messenger after the bond sealed , ( who ran away with the mony ) he brake his day , and sued the scriuener striuing to recouer the whole , or some composition by that meanes .

Nov.

But did he recover any ? or did the scriuener giue him any thing ? 000 ?

Pro.

He recouer'd not ; nor got any thing from the scriuener . But was not this a wrangle , and a shamefull cavill ? yea and with a Noverint man himselfe which thou deniest ? 000 now thou lyest in thy swallowing place Noverindo .

Nov.

Segnieur Simple , Helpe me a little . Canst thou say no good of this gentleman � it frets me to the heart to heare a man of our owne making to be thus misus'd .

Simp.

Faith not I , not much , sauing that I haue heard many yeares agoe that he was a reasonable honest man but for 's religion , and they say still hee s a kinde of a Papist .

Nov.

What a rascall stis ? doe I call thee to speake in his behalfe , and dost thou prate of religion ? what has he or I to doe with religion ? I dare sweare that hee s an honest man of no religion . ( Intrat Antonio ) and younder 's the man , let 's see now who dares charge him with religion . I hope he and I haue worke enough and neuer busie our felues about religion . So many banckrupts , and housekeepers now adaies t is time to looke about vs .

Pro.

What ? dost thou finde fault with housekeepers : you le please him never a whit with that , for an t were not for good housekeepers he would haue many hungry meales �

Nov.

I finde fault with such housekeepers as dare not shew their faces without their owne doores . I cannot indure this . I le complaine to him on you both , if euer hee light on you within the lash of the law , ther 's no mercy : and t is no matter , teach you to speake so evill of him behind his backe .

Pro.

Why cockscombe ; how canst thou tell his backe was towards vs .

Nov.

Well , mocke on , t was in his absence , that 's all one : I le tell him if you le giue me nothing .

Pro.

Giue thee , yes a rope ( Noverindo turnes toward Antonio ) these caterpillers are al for what will you giue me like Iudas �

Enter Nov. and Anton. at severall doores Noverrindo speakes . Nov.

Bonus dies � Segnieur Antonio , Magnifico ; the worthiest gentleman that ever consorted with the bankers of this citie . Sir I hope you make no doubt �o� teneri & firmiter obligari�ibi aut t�o certo atturnato , &c. And further obligamus nos , & quemlibet nostrum , heredes , & executores nostros &c. The condition is to bee ever ready at your lowest service .

Pro.

What a rogue stis ? he can speake nothing but obligations as Ovid did verses . �

Ant.

Gramarcees gentle Noverindo : how goe the rates now ?

Nov.

Sir you may haue as much as you will at eight in the hundred , others pay ten .

Ant.

I thanke you : then I haue a match already : a frend of mine must vse a thousand pound and intreats my band ; I le say he shall haue it by my meanes . Thou shalt haue forty shillings in the hundred for brocage � and I will gaine other fortie shillings , this is but twelue in the hundred that 's dog cheape , I knowe some pay a great deale more : And I le haue good land twice the worth for my counter security . Let me alone to hamper them .

Nov.

You are wiser sir , fast bind fast find . And if they faile yeull trice them . I trow vpon the mortgage .

Ant.

Ah ha , art avis'd of that ? surely I shall doe them good to make the fooles take heed of others . And what falt is in me , a bargaine is a bargaine : aud if I giue them a little more for their land when it is forfeited , they may thanke me but no parting with the land , for it is so deep if a man would dig it that it reacheth to hell , and ther 's no redemption .

Nov.

Well , this is agreed : and if you will haue 3000l speake but the word , and giue three daies warning , wee le come at your whistle as your wife was wont to doe : but there 's a thing I must impart to you which ( I hope ) you will take well at my hands , being but the relator .

Ant.

What ? is any Backrupt that hath my summes put forth �

Nov.

Not one , they are as safe as in your chest .

Ant.

Let it be what it will then , I care not a rush .

Nov.

Sir it is some discredit to you if it be true .

Ant.

If it be true , and discredit I weigh it not .

Nou.

Ah noble Antony ( he imbraceth him ) pardon me if� I be bold with your worship , for no man could haue spoken more pithely , and more like our owne corporate brother then this was : why Sir for all the world so are wee , never mou'd say what men will : wee could not liue richly if men had cause to speake well of vs , giue me your hand , I le liue & die with you for that word � and leo here with this hand of mine I reach you the hearts of all our company ; now I dare say any thing to you without feare , or blushing . That which I was so vnwilling to vtter was no more but this : it is very credibly reported that you never deale , or contract with any but you cavill , wrangle , paulter , wrench , shift , chapp , change , deny , refuse , goe backe from your word , breake off , and play all manner of fowle play ; wherevpon all men speak evill of you , and as many as had once commerce will never more meddle with you .

Ant.

All this is nothing , I haue heard twentie times so much with my owne eares , and smile at the poore fellowes that they spend their time with talking of me . But didst thou euer heare but I gain'd by them all .

Nov.

Nay , that 's certaine : they all agree on that as a verdict .

Anto.

Why , there 's it then . Now thou seest where wit lodgeth , with me , or with them .

Nov.

Faith 't is true . And they haue nothing to charge a man withall but Conscience and Religion , and such impertinent stuffe . But I thinke I haue taken downe some of them about the word Religion of the oldest stampe , that you should be tainted withall , and I trow I haue so silenc'd them that you shall not neede to trouble your selfe with studying to revenge it .

Anto.

I , they talke their pleasure behind my backe , but I wish they would speake one word to ground an action vpon � Didst thou heare him ( whosoeuer he was ) say , I am a Papist ?

Nov.

O , no Sir , I warrant you , they dare not for fortie pound say so . But that you were one , that you looke like one , that your heart is so still , if you durst for losing some of your goods , that you were honester when you stucke to it . That now you dissemble . And such like words full of suspition , but not to beare an action . They are crafty enough for that . But I trow . Sir , you are too wise , and so I answered for you .

Anto.

Thou didst well . I know some of them would gladly catch me in a trip . But I le watch them well enough .

Exeunt omnes .
ACT. I. SCENA II. Enter Securus and Hermito at severall doores . Sir Hermito .

No man better met heere then your selfe . I was in great care for an Associat in the affaire with this day , and almost euery day I vndertake .

Her.

Sir my society will afford you small contentment , if my daily taskes required not my attendance , where by perpetual vow I haue engaged all my houres vntil my death . For I am fit for no other imployment but my beades � Neuerthelesse if it please you briefly to let me know your desire , I will by my answere you reasonable satisfaction .

Secu.

When I doe seriously consider the worlds present condition : And that we which converse abroad with all sorts of people are subject to so many mistaking , censures , and vntrue reports , that it passeth the skill of any man to carry himselfe vprightly , & without blame , I begin to iudge you , and your like onely happy , who chuising to leaue the world , haue procured quietnesse to your life . But Sir Hermito , I marvaile what hath remoued you from your caue to the countrie . Are you as weary of private liuing , as I am of too much company ? The newes must needes be great , and strange which brings you hither .

Her.

No such matter , as that my intended course of dwelling with my selfe sequestred from all resort , should haue an end so long as my abode in this world endureth . Farre be it from my thought euer to wish the change of my estate . As now I am I trouble not others , nor any man offendeth me . And where no mistake is , who can thinke of alteration ? my resolution hath bred my contentment : the peace which I enjoy , counter-valueth all maner of wants . And my spiritual excercises take away tediousnes . The cause of my comming hither ( Sir Securus ) is a Proclamation lately set forth by the king , that all his subject being men of 21 yeares , & vpwards , living within 50 miles of the Court , shall appeare there within 14 days after notice given them . And about three dayes past , a pilgrim passing by my cell , told me of this Edict , and that it was vpon alleageance . So I being his subject ( thogh seruing him to no other purpose , but praying for him ) thought it my dutie to make my appearance . and to depart without delay .

Secu.

Sir , I am right to haue intercepted you ( whether you be travailing to or fro the Court ) because this day is appointed for hearing and determining many controversies , and censuring sundrie sorts of people : And some of these differences beyond my learning . You therefore come very fitly to aide me . And this whole affaire being principally for peace making , and ending debates without suite of Law � you may not refuse to ioyne with me in a worke of so great charitie .

Her.

In very deed Sir , euery ought to yeeld his best helpe to such workes . And although I haue alreadie recorded my appearance at Court , and licenced to returne to my poore home � and would willingly spend some houres with you to so good a purpose ; yet ( Alas Sir ) I am like to prevaile very little with any body , wanting both acquiantance and authoritie among them whosoever they be : therefore I entreate my fruitlesse presence may bee spared ; but I will not be wanting to you with my prayers for your successe .

Secu.

Sir , for your authoritie and acquaintance it shall not skill . All that I haue both those wayes , shalbe conferred vpon you equally with my selfe . If they despise you , they shall contemne mee also . Onely I entreate your companie this day , and then I cease troubling you further whatsoeuer neede require hereafter .

Her.

Sir I expect no intreatie , neither will I wrong you so much as to make further request to my poore selfe . I stay willingly and am at your service in all things .

Secu.

No seruant of mine Sir , but my friend vpon equall tearmes .

They both sit downe in chaires some distance each from other .
ACT. II.
SCENA . I. Enter Rustico , Hortano , Acuto , and Vulcano .

Neighbour Hortano , I haue considered of the great coile we had the last Sabouth after evening praier in the verstrie about putting downe the Holy-dayes . It hinders our businesse much . And mee thinkes this praying in a Church among those of high degree is nothing pleasantable , and blushing takes away my devotion . I can pray a great deale better , and with a more comelie grace when I whistle at plow . And me thinkes't were a goodly matter if euery man in 's calling might follow his focation , and there doe such devotion as his stomacke stands to .

Hor.

Faith , neighbour Rustico , I am euen of your mind . For I le bide by it , I ha more weeds growes in one Holyday , then in three workie dayes .

Rust.

O , you are a Gardner , it becomes you wel to agree with the Husband man , if we two hold together , we shal be too hard for twentie fooles .

Hor.

Indeed 't wer a gay thing if wee could put downe these Holy-dayes , as you say . Me thinks 't wer an easie matter as well as we ha put downe the Fasting-dayes pell mell , hand ouer head . An wee wood hang together 't wer soone done , but when some are so arseward 't will neuer be .

Acu.

You talke you know not what . There were no reason in it : for that were the way to breake all order , and giue our mindes altogether to toyle , and neuer serue God . For you would not stay there neither if you had your will , but the Sondayes should shortly goe downe for company . You will leaue nothing standing .

Rust.

O , you are a Tayler , you speake for your profit � For an 't were not for Holy-dayes , which require fine cloathes , and much change , you might begge your bread .

Vul.

You hit the naile on the head neighbour Rustico . Wee le put them downe an you 'll keepe stroke with me .

Acu.

Nay Sirra , if any man hit the naile on the head , it should be you , because you are a Smith � but soft , you are so hot with your rip rapping , that you misse the nayle and Anvyle also . For my part although I doe boldly worke on Holy � dayes as other taylers vse Christmasse day and all , yet would I not misse the Holy-dayes for any good , nor would I breake the order without necessity . But is it so easie a matter to put downe the Holy-dayes thinke you ? And will you doe it with the furious fire-forke ? And you Master Gardner that will rake vp Holy-dayes and Fasting-dayes like weedes , and bury them all in a trench , you are both both fowly deceiued . For neither haue you put downe the Fasting-dayes , because still they are bidden in Churches , nor is the case alike � for Fasting is private , and cannot so well be punished , but if you come not to Church , vp you go not to Church , vp you goe for a Recusant an you were my father .

Rust.

Why for all that shud we be troubled with so many holydaies ? wood not fewer serue the turne as well ? I doe not thinke our auncetrums were so pestred .

Acu.

Yea , and with many more ; and kept the eues halfe holy .

Rust.

How didne a then for doing their businesse ? sure a were all beggers . And yet t wood anger me that my graundsir should be a begger . I it wood .

Acu.

Not so neither . They liued very well : and had not the twentith begger that we haue : and were great housekeepers every man almost . They built all the Townes , Colledges � and Religious houses .

Rust.

Didne a so indeed ? I cha hard my grandsir , & grannam tauke much of those things . Sure but I thinke they went to plow and cart on the workydaies , and built those things you tauke on vpon the holydaies , or else it cood neuer be .

Acu.

No , no . They suffered no kind of lighter workes to be done in those daies , much lesse such painefull labours as they were .

Rust.

Why were the Saints daies kept holy at all ? Tell me some reason for it .

Acu.

They did in those daies giue great honour to such as suffered death for Christian religion , although the men were as poore as Christs fishermen . And therefore the daies of their martyrdome they kept holy , and came to Church to glorifie and praise that God , for whom those Saints died , there were people exhorted to doe the like .

Rust.

But I mislike the very ground , and cause of those holydaies which ( you say ) is suffring death willingly . Doe not we die fast enough ( thinke you ) against our wils , but we must set vp a trade of dying with a good will �

Acu.

Thou speakest against reason . For if thou must needs dye , first , or last , wert not better to die for a glorious cause , so to be sure of heauen , & willingly in perfect memory , then against thy will wrestling with death , & overcome in the end with great paine , and perhaps past thy sences .

Rust.

Reason me no reasons � I speake as I thinke , I protest from my heart I had rather doe any worke in the world then dye . What ? never come home againe to my wife , and my pretie barnes ? Why , I haue a boy , his name is Iacke ; hee has a face as welfavor'd as any great turnippe root , with a cracke in the mid'st , which is the very proportion of his mouth . I will not willingly leaue that boy for all the deaths in the world . No I will not . But if I must needs dye whether I will or no , I wood haue death take mee asleepe , that I may not see his face , for if I did I would run away as hard as ever I could for my life .

Hor.

Mr Acuto talke with me , hee speakes like a foole . I haue more wit then twentie such loggerheads .

Rust.

Nay , then I haue more wit then thou canst get � for I can make my horses turne vp the ground , and thou must doe it with thy hands and feet , else thou canst earne no mony . Come neighbour Vulcano , we two wise men will leaue these two to play the fooles here vntill our �urne come againe .

Exeunt Rust. & Vul. Hor.

Now Acuto � let vs two conclude what shall become of these holydaies , and as we agree , I warrant it shall goe . And thou hast almost perswaded me to let them stand . But let vs goe and read a booke I haue at home of the liues of Saints to furnish vs with stronger reasons against our next encounter with these Dunces , and then wee will end this controversie .

Exeunt . Secu.

How thinke you by this S. Hermito ? would you haue imagined that such plaine fellowes as these be , should call a businesse of this nature in question ? By this you may may gesse what stirring heads we haue to deale withall , and how easie a matter to keepe them in order .

Her.

It is somewhat strange . And the more vnlearned the men are , the harder to be satisfied . But he hope is , that as mad men doe best service when some of their like are most vnruly , so these men being alike vnskilfull will soone confound each other , and so giue over the businesse .

ACT. II. SCEN. II. Enter Antonio at one dore � Proberio and Simplo at another .

It is not vnknowne to mee that very many doe censure my deeds as wicked and not beseeming a Christian . But this is the iniquitie of the time , because they doe not distinguish between persons and seasons . For my actions being not ordinary , are not to be iudged by ordinary , but refined wits . For now your downe right dealing is exploded , as too subiect to every meane capacitie .

Pro.

Yonder is thy master that shal be ( Simplo � ) thou shalt lose no time , wee le to him sodainely . Segnieur Antonio . All haile to your person . Here is a man desires to serue you ; to be your pupill ; to imitate your actions so neere as his vessell can hold the print . And he will doe well . For hee is made all of wax , very pliant , emptie of all thing � but a little mony and a tenement or two of land lying next your freehold on the south side , worth 10l per annum .

Ant.

He is welcome . Haue you giuen him any principles , such as you knowe are necessarie ? and is he docible �

Pro.

He is ready for your hand Sir . I will not commit such an errour ( knowing you as I doe ) but lay the foundation . You may worke vpon him as you list I warrant you .

Simp.

Sir I hope you shall finde me diligent , and according to your heart .

Ant.

Thou hast a good sterne countenance , I like thee well : if thy minde be as vntoward it will be sutable .

Simp.

I warrant you Sir , no man shall get any thing of me , but I will knowe how he comes by it , except your selfe , whom I will trust withall I haue . Deale with mee as you please .

Ant.

I thanke you . Nay , if I deale not well with you , I wish no man should deale ill with me . I heare you haue land lying neere me , I would haue you bee a good husband , and keepe it . Let me lay vp your writings safe least some deceaue you of them .

Simp.

That you shall Sir � here they be . They shall be in pawne to you for my good behaviour : for I thinke no man will giue his word for me .

Ant.

Thou art the fittest man for mee that ever I met withall : nor any man ( I thinke ) will vndertake I shall bee a good master to thee .

Simp.

T is no matter sir , I will stand to your gentlenesse .

Ant.

Well said : and I le even deale with thee thereafter .

Exeunt Ant. and Simp. Pro.

Thou hast a seruice a dog would not haue it , except his taile were already so short cut to his breech that no more could be spared . I warrant thou turne seene the last of thy writings . They will pull thy land after them . And that 's but law .

Transit terra cum onere . Exit . Pro. Enter Hortano and Acuto .

Is it true that you told me ( Acuto ) at our last parle here that there were such valiant people in times past that willingly and cheerefully went to their death when they might haue inioyed life longer .

Acu.

There is no question of it except wee should discredit all Historiographers , who make honorable mention of them i� all ages before vs . And in our owne time and memory there haue beene many such men .

Hort.

I protest it is a wonderfull courage these people haue , and in mine opinion farre beyond the stoutnes of the souldiers . For they goe to kill and contend , not meaning to dye , which only they strive against , and avoid by all meanes they can � and provide aboue all things to bee well arm'd for safetie of life . But the martyr with not resisting , conquers death , and feares not that which is feared and shunned of all others . Therefore I thinke them worthie of great honour and perpetuall memorie . But who are they ( say you ) that giue testimonie of them ? me thoght it was a very fine word .

Acu.

They be Historiographers .

Hor.

O Histornoggerfers . a braue word . I le make a knot of these letters .

Acu.

No , Historiographers man .

Hor.

Now I haue it Histriagerfers .

Acu.

Not so neither : you must marke wel , & pronou�ce it iust as I doe .

Hor.

That I will be sure to doe .

Acu.

Thus then . Hi-sto-ri .

Hor.

Stay there . Now gape ( he gapes & Hortano looks in his mouth ) le ts tell , how many teeth ha you ? 22. hough , whoo 's within there ? a paire of pincers .

Acu.

What to doe ?

Hor.

Why to pull two teeth out a your mouth for I ha but iust 20.

Acu.

And what of that ?

Hor.

Mary because you le ha me say it iust as you doe , & that I cannot except you & I haue the like number of teeth . I , and I le measure your tongue , that if it bee longer then mine it may be cut even : for it is my dutie being a gardner , to doe all b� line and levell .

Acu.

That 's no matter : so that you vtter the sillables full as I doe .

Hor.

Yes I make no question , though I lack a few teeth but I can swallow a sullebub as full as you .

Acu.

A sullebub . I did not speake of a sullebub .

Hor.

No ? that you did . I le be iudg'd by all this companie .

Acu.

No such matter . I sayd you must obserue every syllable .

Hor.

Go too then � I wooll : vp with it once againe .

Acu.

Canst thou tell what a sillable is ?

Hor.

No , not I more then my dog .

Acu.

How wilt thou obserue them then if thou knowe not a sillable ?

Hor.

Let me alone for that : I le make a shift . Doe you say the word , and if there be ere a one there , I le finde him I warrant you .

Acu.

Ere a one there man ? why the word is fram'd of many sillables .

Hor.

Very well : how shood I misse them then ? turne me loosse . I le take it as soone as it peeps out of thy mouth as parats doe bread and butter .

Acu.

Come then marke well � His-to-ri-o-gra-phers .

Hor.

I le lay ten pound to nothing , I le not misse a straws breadth , His-to-ri-o-gra-fers .

Acu.

That 's right indeed .

Hor.

Law , did not I tell you so ? Nay you never had an apter scholler in your life then I am : t wool doe you good to teach me .

Acu.

I am glad of it : this was soone learnt indeed : now put together , and speake it short as I did .

Hor.

I will : but you need not doubt that it 's safe , & will never be lost . But to satisfie you I le doe it , and that quickly , Histor-cockafurrs .

Acu.

Whoo : the longer the worse .

Hor.

This is your faut : that wood ha me say it so fast : & t is a very scurvie word to hit , except a man haue a mouth made thereafter .

Acu.

I thinke you are fasting to day � and that hinders your speech : goe play and fill your bellie � and wee le at it againe soone .

Hor.

Thanks gentle Master : and the next time you teach me , wee le doe it very closely an t please you . For I doe not meane to be very lavish of my learning , when it shall bee at the biggest in no companie but yours .

Acu.

So doe all cunning folkes : be daintie of your skill � or else you shall never bee intreated at first , nor thank'd at last .

ACT. II. SCEN. III . Enter Vulcano and Rustico .

Hortano : you haue beene a great while prating with that pricking fellow and make no reckning of my neighbour Rustico and me � Belike you thinke to ingrosse the honour of the wholle businesse to your selues . But I tell you plainely , if you haue termind to put the Holidaies downe you shall not cosen vs so : for it shall be wel knowne that I helpt to knock vm downe as much as any man in the parish : and that I gaue the hottest stroke about it .

Hor.

Sir you are much mistaken . The Tailer is an honest man , and a true man , ( although it be impossible ) and we are fully agreed they shall stand , & be kept as holy as they were the last yeare .

Vul.

Are you so Sir ? you are but a trecherous fellow for your labour , and a coward too : for I warrant thou hadst rather be at a good dinner then a battle : were not wee two worthie to be of the councell ? Well ; I le bee even with thee for this tricke � I le sweare , I le not say a prayer this twelue-month vpon any holidaie that shall doe any liuing creature good .

Hor.

What a villaine is this ? then thou wilt not pray for thy selfe ?

Vul.

No , goodman woodcocke ? as though I were a living creature .

Hor.

Yes ; a man would thinke so ; art thou not ?

Vul.

No that I am not . And I le proue it by an argumen , and a sluttegim too . I tell thee , I can chop Logicke an I list . I can proue thee an Asse , or any such horne beast with a trice I learnt it at Sturbridge faire , the while I was selling hobnailes : there was such argenication among the schollers there , whether my nag which I gelt the yeare before were now a horse or no � I set um all one such a froth with spouting one against the tother , that some of the slauer lighted on my face , and yet I had my nag betweene them and mee for feare they would fight , and pull me vnder their feet . But an they had fought I never meant to part um . To be shor� � with gaping vpon them , I swallowed so much Logicke as will serue me the longest day of my life � And now I le practise vpon thee to proue my selfe no liuing creature .

Hor.

What a goose art thou ? Is it possible thou canst speake , and yet be no liuing creature ? proue this and proue anything .

Vul.

I will proue this � and I will proue any thing by Logicke : what a maime it is for a man to bee ignorant of the virtue and power of Logicke . I pittie thee , and all such as be vnlearned like thy selfe . Why man : I will proue by Logicke that he which was the last yeare and yet liues , is not .

Hor.

That were strange . How ? He that was the last yeare and yet liues , is not . I cannot devise how this should be : for if he liue , how can he chuse but haue a being ?

Vul.

Now it shall appeare how short you are with want of Logicke . But I le teach thee a little . Hee that was the last yeare ( yea and the last weeke ) an honest man , and yet liues , is not now an honest man .

Hor.

This may be . For I haue heard an old saying ( and I thinke it bee true ) that a man may as soone depart with his honestie , as with any thing he hath .

Vul.

So then . Dost not � thou thinke now , that I am as well able to proue my selfe no liuing creature ?

Hor.

I promise you I am in some doubt of it now : go on .

Vul.

Every liuing creature loues some other creature . But I loue no other creature . Ergo I am no liuing creature . Now Hortano take all the hearbs of thy garden & stil their water to powder , thou canst never wash out the strength of this argomen � I make it iust as they did theirs at Cambridge about my nag . I remember the words , and shall doe as long as my nag liues . For one of them spouted thus . Every horse hath stones : but this beast hath no stones ; Ergo he is no horse . And I clapt him on the backe and told him that hee spake truth . For I gelt him the last yeare , and eat his stones to my breakfast . But I had like to haue mar'd all by saying so . For there was a nimble-headed Scholler that stood by , ( and yet had nothing to doe with the question ) went about to proue me a horse , and thus he began . Euery liuing beast , or Animal , that hath in him horse stones , is a horse . But this Animal , ( meaning me ) hath horse stones in him , Ergo he is a horse . I was striken in such a maze ( knowing that I did eate the horse stones ) that I was like to sinke where I stood , and euen presently to congeale into a horse . But there was by chance an honest Scholler by , who saw my colour quite gone , took pity on me , and bade me be of good cheere , I shood not be a horse . And told the tother to his face , that there was a flacy in his argumen . And then fetcht him about with a Recumbentibus , and prou'd that the horse stones which I had eaten , were consum'd , and became such stuffe as I cannot tel you without Sir reuerence of your teeth ; and that they did not grow in me as they doe in horses : Ergo the case was alter'd . Then vpon this point of growing , and not growing , there was such a sturre , that all the horse-coursers in the Faire came about vs . One said they did grow , another denyed it � and such part taking on both sides , that in the end I was content ( being desirous to make them friends ) to bee search't in the open market , and so was cleer'd before them all to haue no more stones then I shood haue . And glad was I that I was not a horse . Had not I ( thinke you good cause to remember Logicke ? Yes , I shall neuer forget it if I should liue 100 yeares .

Hor.

Goe to then : if you bee such a scholler I will not dispute with you about the Holy dayes , but my neighbour Acuto hath beene a scholler as well as you , and hee is able to shew you many reasons why they ought to continue . And he hath fully converted me .

Vul.

I will not be judg'd by Acuto , nor by a better man then he . Why , I tell you my neighbour Rustico and I , thinke our selues as good men as Acuto and you , and we are two to two . Wee le neuer yeeld while the Plow and chaines hold , and that wil be a good long time ; for as fast as they weare , I can mend them .

Acu.

Will you referre it then to iudgement of indifferent men ? we are all neighbours , let vs not fall out about things that none of vs haue skill in .

Rust.

Yes , wee le be iudg'd , but not by any braue people ; for they will all take part with the Tayler that makes their parell gawdie , and with the Gardner that makes them pleasant waukes and knots .

Acu.

Wee le giue you the choice , so that you name none of your owne trade , and an indifferent man .

Rust.

You say honestlie , Nay truelie we are desirous to haue an end of it , so that none of vs be his owne carver . Here sits a countrie Gentleman , a plaine man , a good house-keeper , and peace-maker among all his neighbours : he is no Iustice of peace , so there is no feare to speake our minde before him , nor neede we any minerator to him , he is very courteous .

Acu.

Wee le not refuse him , nor any that is honest .

Rust.

God saue you Sir . Heere is a great controuersie betweene foure neighbours , two against two . Reasons are alleaged on both sides , and neither part will agree to other . In the end we accorded to referre the matter to you , we beseech you to consider , and order it as you please , and then so shall it be .

Secu.

The controversie is beyond my skill , it being matter of diuinity ; but mine opinion is , they ought still to bee kept . For I perswade my selfe , that our Auncetours ( which did all things well ) had speciall reasons for these daies to be kept holy . What their reasons were , I take not vpon me to set downe : there sits a Religious man , he is more like to quenche your thirst , and resolue your doubts then I am .

Vul.

Most Reverend Sir , though we be strangers to you , we are bold to aske your counsell in a busines of weight .

Her.

You are welcome whosoeuer you are : no marvaile though you be strangers to me , who haue estranged my self from all the world : but what counsell can you expect from me , who am not like to giue wordly men any satisfaction , since I haue alreadie given the world with all his busines an vtter farewell .

Acu.

Sir , our busines is not worldly , though it concerne worldlie men , euen as your life is not worldlike , though bodilie you liue on earth .

Vul.

Nay M. Acuto , stand aside , or I le haue you taken away , for you marre the paly , you are very forward to take the tale out of my mouth , as if you had more wit , but I think not so . I began first to speake vnto this man , therefore I wil haue the last word . Sir , our busines with you shal be short � for I am a hot fellow , and I strike thick and short . This Tailer takes long and wide stitches , and drawes out the time to make his worke seeme much . Our difference is for the Holy-dayes as they stand in the Kalender , whether it were fitter they should be retourn'd into working-daies as they were at the first , or remaine to the worlds end . If you iudge they ought to stand , we are content , and will worke harder at other times . If you will haue them downe , doe but say the word , & hold vp your finger , wee le maule vs to the ground at a blow .

Her.

Your questio� is not hard to decide , & fit enough for me to deliuer mine opinion in . It is true , they were all working daies at the first . For which purpose it is said , such work as thou doest , worke it in those six daies , and not on the seauenth day . Yet God did neuer forbid any of those six daies to be kept holy � And the Christian Church hath appointed many daies to be kept holy in memory of Saints which suffered diverse torments for Christs sake , who suffered all for them , and for them all . And those to be kept to the worlds end , that their facts and fame might neuer die , but encourage others to treade their bloudie but Heauenly steppes . Therefore since the Church of God and custome of Christian countries haue so ordered it , let no mans private rashnes presume such alteration , as to make away or put out the Holy-dayes , but with due reverence to obserue them .

Vul.

Gods blessing on you Sir , you haue quite confiscated my conceite . I le kill him that would haue them downe . Such a sermon every day would make me keepe all the rest of the weeke holy . Gow neighbour Rustico , you and I will hang together , and change together . I le neuer meddle with any matter out of the length and bredth of my Anvile , fall back , fall edge while I breathe � Me thinkes I am good enough with this little teaching , I shall neuer need to mend heereafter . I could finde in my heart to goe to hanging presently , and be a martyr , if I might haue no time to thinke of the paine , but goe aliue to Heauen .

They all make obeysance to the Hermit , and turne aside . Acu.

I told you so much before , you neuer needed to haue troubled the good man .

Vul.

Thou told me so ? what care I for thy telling ? If thou told me my father were dead ( though I knew hee be buried ) I will not bleeue thee . And yet I would not for fortie pound he were aliue againe . This is a graue man , and his verie countenance speakes truth . Tauke no more o' t , I am quite dissolv'd they shall stand fast : and I le keepe them verie devoutlie . And I le perswade all the Parish to doe the like .

Acu.

Thou teach all the Parish . Wilt thou turne preacher ?

Vul.

No preacher Sir , but I hope all the Parish comes to my shop for one thing or other . And cannot I then giue vm part of my talent as well as the Coblers are wont to doe , and I am sure it will become me as handsomelie as them .

Execunt Vul. Acut. Rust. Hort .
ACT. II. SCEN. IV. Enter Antonio , Simplo.

Goe Simplo to Mistris Sylvester in Sheerelane , desire her to lend me a paire of sheetes , a pillowbeere , halfe a dozen of napkins , and a towell .

Simp.

I will Sir , ( he steps forward � and suddenly stoppes ) but now I remember me Proberio told me you haue linnen enough of your owne .

Anto.

He was the more foole to tell you so � but you must not vse to crosse me thus . Doe as you are bidden . Will not our owne la�t the longer if wee weare of other folkes sometimes ? when we haue gone through all our friends so often that none will lend vs , then 't is time enough to weare our owne .

Simp.

I vnderstand the conceit now . I le tell her you lost your key .

Anto.

Best of all . Doe so . I perceiue thou need'st no broker .

Simp.

No Sir , no ; such a tuitor as you will serue turne well enough .

Exit Simplo. Enter Proberio . Anto.

Friend Proberio . You come in good time . I was beholding to you in my greatest necessitie : And I purpose to requite all your deserts . At this present an accident is fallen , which will be beneficiall to you with a little diligence had . A messenger of mine received a hundreth pound by my direction from a scrivener in this towne , and ran away with it into Ireland , finde him out , and get the hundreth pound , I giue it you .

Prob.

I thanke you Sir , but it is a thousand to one I shall neuer finde him ; and if I doe , I know not the man , and the money perhaps spent .

Anto.

If this faile I le giue you another as beneficiall as it �

Pro.

That 's easily done . For I thinke this is litle worth .

Anto.

I haue an employment for you , one Sir Retlaw , & Master Eloc , his father-in-law are bound with me in divers bonds , I for them , and they for me . The whole summe is a thousand pound , the greater part they are to pay . I haue their counter-bonds for all . What they haue for my debt I know not . I would haue you be perfect in the accompts as they stand in my booke , and then demand of them a reckoning betweene vs .

Pro.

Well Sir , this shal be done with effect .

Exit Prob. Enter Simplo.

Sir I haue brought the linnen , she lent it willingly . So I saued the lie ; she desires you to suppe with her to night .

Anto.

Ha , suppe there ? with all my heart . But how shal I doe with my two egges at home ? they will bee too stale , remember soone to carrie them to the Ale-house , but measure them well in your hand with griping .

Simp.

I will Sir . I would desire your counsell in a matter concernes my selfe . One Frith , a neighbour of yours desires to buy my land , whereof you haue the writings , and will giue me more then 't is worth . What will you advise met to doe ?

Anto.

I thinke it not amisse to take his monie , and put it out to vse , and therein I can pleasure you . My scrivener shall doe it as for me , and he will get good men for your monie .

Simp.

I thanke you Sir : then I will absolutely bargaine with him , and send him to you for the writings .

Anto.

Doe so : but bee not long : for I haue busines instantly for you .

Exit Simplo.

What an Asse is this ? doth he thinke I will let any man buy a thing so neere my nose , but I will lay hold of it with my teeth ? I will haue his land doe what he can . And I will haue it one 40l the cheaper for this tricke , that he will offer to sell it from me . He thinkes belike to make a porter of me to cary his writings from Lawyer to Lawyer ; but if I be , I wil be well payd for my paines . I haue a device in my head , which I will extend to the vttermost , seeing he puts me to it . Trust ? there 's a trust with all my heart to serue other mens turnes . No , I never Iou'd that . I remember to haue learn'd that charitie begins with it selfe . And a Cooke licks his owne fingers before he dishes the meate for others . Doe they not know what it is to get writings out of my hands ? It seemes they neuer entred bond to me . If they had , they would not presume thus . If nothing els would serue to hold them , yet this I can alleage , that they are my securitie for his good behaviour ( although I care not sixe pence for any securitie , because I neuer meane to trust him for a crownes worth of any thing . And I haue all you to witnes , that for his good behaviour he pawn'd them to me .

Enter Frith .

I am glad to meete you heere Sir , your man and I haue bargain'd for his land not farre from me , but very neere you .

Anto.

Welcome neighbour Frith . Let me speake with you aside . Take heed what you doe . His title is naught , els I would haue had it my selfe , and you know it lies �it for me . But let him not know I said so .

Frith .

I were much to blame if I should Sir : no , I warrant you . I thanke you for this caveat . I might soone haue lost my money so .

Enter Simplo. Anto.

Stay awhile , you shall heare more to his face . Come hither Simplo . This honest man tels me , he is in speech with you about your land , and I was content to let you run on your course . But doe you forget that it is pawn'd to me for your good behaviour ?

Simp.

Sir , such a thing there was . But my hope is you will not be my hinderance .

Anto.

Your hinderance . No ; but if this be true ( as you cannot deny it ) haue you not forfeited your land and writings by your euill behaviour , offering to sell it to a stranger and not to me ?

Frith .

That 's a plaine case Sir . I le not ��� with his land , nor any of my neighbours shall , for I will tell them all � Nay , I may say to you Sir , I am told he hath no good title to it .

Anto.

Were you told so ? Well , farewell neighbour Frith . Exit Frith . How now Simplo . To keepe your land � no man will be your Tenant ? and to sell it , who will dea�� with you ? Did you not heare him say it is reported you haue no good title ? Well ; in hope you will doe me true service , I will helpe you out of these bryers . Tell mee true � What should he haue given for your land ?

Simp.

Indeed Sir he should haue pay'd me 150l . And if you helpe me not I am vndone .

Anto.

It had beene worth 150l . if it had not beene thus disgrac'd , but now 't is worth litle . Well , if I giue you 100l . for it , what will you say ?

Simp.

If you will giue me 100l . for it , I shall thinke my selfe much bound to you while I live . And so I doubt not but you will keepe the land safe . For the title was as good as could be vntill you had my writings . It may be they took wet in the last great raine , and so they did shrinke .

Anto.

I will giue thee 100l . And no raine will shrinke the mony : the Sunne will doe it most hurt : for it will melt very fast .

Simp.

You know how to keepe it from melting better then I . Let me intreat you to order it as your owne �

Anto.

I will giue thee my credit for that .

Exeunt Anto. Secu.

It � is much to be fear'd that this greedie griper will vtterly spoile this poore man both of money and land , his minde is altogether vpon deceit and ruine of others . T is pitie any honest bodie should haue to do with him that studieth nothing but mischiefe .

Her.

I am sorry to see so much wickednesse in one man as appeares in him , hee is able to infect a whole countrie . And it were a happie thing if hee were banished the commerce of all Christians .

ACT. III .
SCENA . I. Enter Sperato with hanke and spaniels . Spurco with hounds and Gulato .

Of all the musicke in the world there is none like to that which is found in hauking . For , the questing of Spaniels , the spring of partridges , the gingling of Haukes bels , and thundring of horse heeles is the best consort , and pleaseth me aboue all delights .

Spur �

Your Comparison is too generall . Had you excepted hunting I might haue join'd hands with you against all others , but now I am become your adversary . For it is confessed of all sorts , that the musicke in hunting , both for continuance of the sport . for a delightfull exercise contenting the eare , and gentle-men-like pastime the world cannot compare with vs � and so we hunters cary the Bell away .

Sper �

Indeed you hunter carie the Bell , but not for any good doing , no more then you doe by carying the horne to very mans house . What time and order your hounds obserue with their naturall harmonie , I will not dispute ( they and their keepers being seldome in order ) but of this I am sure , that there are few kennells of hounds in England � but while some are in chase after Hare , or Fox , others are killing sheep in full crie of the poore harmelesse beast : wherevpon is growne that proverbe . The Fox kills the lambs � and the hounds the old sheep . But I cannot indure you should challenge hunting to ��� better with a gentlema� then hauking . Everie Clowne can keepe a dog , and the more carion he eateth the more egregiouslie he smelleth : but the hauke adorneth a kings fist , besides the admirable conquest the faulkner maketh in a haukes nature , bringing the wild Haggard hauing all the earth & seas to scowre over vncontrollable , to attend and obeie her keeper so , that at his verie voice she turnes towards and stoupes to his gloue . Hounds are so prejudiciall to the common-wealth , that I dare vndertake to proue , that ( next vnto drunkards ) they are the greatest spoilers of poore mens bread .

Gula.

I like all well enough but the last words of yours ( Sperto ) for mee thinkes it is as good sport to heare the Falconer and the Hunter fall out , as for theeues to appeache one an other � Good fellowes take their liquor quietly without any of these faults , and helpe to hold vp tillage by the swift vtterance of the surmounting graine .

Spe.

The immoderate and excessiue disorder in drinking , and more then swinish swallowing , that neither bellie nor head can containe , but must recoile by the way it entred in , is the most pernicious inconvenience that this kingdome suffereth .

Gula.

Your invective against good companions ( for so I must needes call them that loue drinke ) is to bee refelled rather with a Cudgill , then with reason . When had you any gallant Captaine , or man of resolution but would drinke health after health , vntill themselfe were past health and helpe ?

Who was more valiant then Captaine Shinke ? Yet moore then he , who loued drinke ? Spe.

Like matter , like patron was his valor in his drinke ? or was he best able to performe a noble exploite , when his legges failed his giddie head �

No , he was euer like a Swine , When strength of drink� clos'd his �yen . Exeunt omnes .
ACT. III . SCEN. II. Enter Insatiato with his page Infaelicto .

Boy , a pipe of Tobaccho What is it a Clocke ?

Infae.

It is almost eleuen .

Insati.

I doubt it be no more indeed . I am so sleepie still : goe see if Monsieur Parvagracio be stirring . Exit Inf�l . I am verie melancholicke this morning whatsoeuer I aile . I care not if I send for my Physician : or whether the cause be that I lost all my monie yesternight , and now know not where to get more vntill I haue conferred with my Agent for discommodities , nor where to dine scot-free in the meane time .

Enter Infaelicto . Infael.

Sir , hee was asleepe when I came to his chamber , but his page wak'd him . He remembers his loue , and desires you to beat his chamber an houre hence , then his Barber comes , as he does everie sonday in steed of praiers . Hee charg'd mee to tell you that hee hath an ounce of the most transcende�t Tobaccho that ever cross'd the salts , sent him by a Ladie of his secret knowledge and yours , with whom you both must dine this day . The propertie of this Tobaccho is to yeeld a porringer full of Rheume everie pipefull : and procure ventositie conveniently to descend verie odoriferous , and secure from audibility . She reserues store of it for her owne speciall vse in times of necessitie , as of attendance in Court , hearing of Plaies , sitting at Cards , and the like . Further , that a little of it taken pill-fashion , will diffuse and disperse mixion , so that a Ladie may abide in companie fortie eight houres , not disposed to evaporation . Besides he will'd me to tell you � that this Ladie yesterday hath receiued a booke from a friend of hers that went ouer with Sir Robert Sherley into Persia , entitled de flatibus separandis ac dividendis , cosque emittendis ; not forward at the face as gamers vse to doe in warres , but arere , as Iacke-an-apes deliuers squibs , written by a learned Physician doctorated by the magnificent order of the Mountebankes there , she will anon at diner intreate you two to lay your heads together for translating this booke into English . And where you finde any sent worth the nothing � you will make stoppes vpon it , and deliuer your opinion by way of comment for the better vndertaking the fence , with the particular causes and effects of euery severall and distinct �ume produced thereby . And hereafter at better leisure she will haue the subiect of the whole booke Anatomatized by her owne Surgeon , and set forth in due proportion and colors , and giue it a convenient roome in her gallerie .

Insat.

This is good newes ; shall wee dine there ? and snuffe this daintie Tobaccho ? that 's excellent . heere 's a shilling to drinke ( he feeles in his pocket , and finding no mony there , saith ) goe too , 't is no matter now : the next time I haue a good hand a dice I le giue thee two shillings . Why now I feele my selfe well againe . Goe boy , tell my Physician he shall not neede to come . ( Infaelicto is going . ) Stay , I haue not sent for him �ow I remember me .

Exeunt .
ACT. III . SCENA III . Enter Antonio Proberio and Simplo.

Haue you done my businesse ( Proberio ) with the Knight and his sonne-in-law ?

Pro.

I haue cast vp these accompts exactly , and your share is to pay 200l , and no more . I haue often visited them � and put them to such a plunge as you neuer saw : for they say you ought to pay 400l . and yet they cannot avoide but they must pay 800l . They haue lost their notes , their seruants be chang'd : and they are so pusled as you never knew men : they desire respite a weeke . I gaue it them , and so it rests .

Anto.

Ha , ha , he . And did the fat Knight fret so ? let him fry too . I will sticke close to my counterbands .

Pro.

Sir I thought good to put you in mind of one thing . You haue my bonds of eight or nine score pounds in your hands � discharg'd tenne yeares since , I pray you let me haue them vp .

Anto.

O , take no care , they shall never hurt you .

Pro.

But I wish I had them vp , we are all mortall .

Anto.

The next time , I light on them I will cancel them .

Simplo goe you to Mistris Boe � desire her to lend me halfe a dozen egges vntill market day , look you chuse the fairest . Exit Sim��� . Proberio , I would faine do somwhat for you . A friend of mine wants a good Steward , I will helpe you with the place : or there is a widow worth 400l . I thinke I can make the march for you �

Pro.

I thanke you Sir , either of them I will accept . ( hee turnes to the people . ) This is like his 100l . offer which his messenger ranne away withall . It will come to nothing ; but now I know he hath some busines for me .

Ant.

I would faine haue your opinion in a bargain of land I haue made with one Pohssib , to the value of 7000l . drawn into articles with both our hands to it . The chiefe motive of our bargaine is a mariage betweene two yong children . I pray you calculate whether the bargaine be gainefull or no .

Pro.

If you haue bargained alreadie , it is too late for me to deliuer my opinion .

Anto.

Not a whit too late . There is nothing done but the land assured to me , and 3000l . of mony payd . If I finde It not fit for me , I le rend the bargaine all to shivers . What ? two words to a bargaine .

Pro.

Why . I know you can doe it if you list , you can play fast and loose aswell as any man . Well , you shall soone know how I like it .

Exit . Anto.

I neuer finish'd any bargaine yet , nor doe I meane this shal be the first .

Redit Simplo.

Goe to the Lawyer , and aske if the writings be ready for your land , that you may receiue your 100 . Exit Simplo. I haue a couple of followers most vnfit for my humour . Proberio is so full of scrupulosity , that nothing passes his fingers that savers not of conscience . Such a man would I deale withall , but not dwell withall . Such a man would I haue deale with me , but not deale for me . Simplo , he is diligent , but alas his braines want salt .

Redit Simplo. Sim.

Sir , the writings are done , when you please I am readie to seale . I thinke the Lawyer is a verie honest man , he hath made them reasonable me thinkes : for I am but to warrant it from all men , I haue nothing to doe with women .

Anto.

It is well . Wee will goe presently . But I must stay vntill Proberio come : for I doe not well know where I am vntill he haue done a busines of mine .

Sim.

Sir I met him in Chauncery Lane , he promised to be heere before me , but I made great haste to tell you the writings were readie . I would so faine be a sealing . I am wonderfully fallen out with my land .

Enter Proberio . Pro.

Sir , the bargaine with Master Pohssib is the worst that ever was made : for if he or his wife doe liue 30 yeares , ( as by probabilitie they will ) you lose 17000l . by the bargaine at least . And if they die sooner , you shall saue litle . Therefore my advice is , that either you buy it absolutely for readie monie , or yeeld it backe with reasonable consideration for your monie lent , so shall you be free from exclamations .

Anto.

I thought so , I warrant thou art as fearefull of exclamations , as of thunder-bolts : there is nothing with you but exclamations , imputations , infamie , reports , discredite , and the like . A rush , a rush , and they are all one to me . Well , I thanke you for your paines . Now ply the Knight & his Father-in-law about the 1000l . accompt .

Pro.

I will . ( he turnes to the people ) then vntill the next neede I am cashier'd .

Exit Prob. Anto. et Simplo. Secu.

What is your opinion sir Hermito of this mans disposition ?

Her.

Alas , I could wish the poore man would consider better of his soules state . Hee seemeth to haue a great wit , which he bendeth wholly to gather worldly wealth , not regarding how he gets it . We that haue put riches in the last place of our care , or rather flye from them as pernicious doe indeed , condemne for follie all the carking and studie to encrease our owne hurts as they will proue to be , especially gotten by indirect meanes .

Secu.

Doe you call him poore , who is reckoned very rich , and full of money to put out for gaine ? such men are now-a-dayes highly esteemed , much sued vnto , and among their praises that is chiefe , that he excelleth others in mony at vse . And in the countrie among plaine fellowes it is a speciall marke or token that he is a good man ( as they call him ) if he haue 100l . or tow at vse , and without that he is not counted sound , or out of debt .

Her.

More is the pitie . It was wont to bee a thing odious among Christians , and vsed by none but Iewes � And therefore we call such men poore , as being needie of goodnes and grace , haue they never so great aboundance so gotten as they make their owners beggerly for grace .

ACT. III . SCEN. IV. Enter Insatiato .

T is a marvailous toile and trouble that we courtiers are put to , and litle considered by the world abroad : for it is commonly midnight before wee can be shewed our chambers . There wee lye like dead persons vntill next day at noone . All this while no bodie comes at vs , nor prouides vs any supping , nor so much as moanes vs . Then are we forced to rise for stark hunger . Thus tyed to our dinner till two of the clocke : from that time vntill foure , we must not stirre from our seate , one discourse after an other holdes vs fast . Then goe we on visitation from chamber to chamber : and before wee know perfectly how euery one had their health since yesternight , and exchanged our complementall tearmes , the clocke strikes seuen . Then dutie cals vs to Court our most respected and perfumed Mistris , whereof we are not discharged till nine . Now supper bids euery one repair to his messe , which commonly continueth no longer then tenne . And so after a crash of two houres in play , wee are driuen euery one to his kennell at midnight , as I said before . And this miserable life we leade , and yet are wee envyed to haue all the pleasures in the world . But I thinke no wise man will so iudge if he felt that we know .

Exit . Enter Gulato and Sperato .

Master Sperato . I haue much desired to debate with you the matter of drinking , and necessity therof , because at our last meeting here you were so bitter in speech as if worme-wood had bene all night steep't in your stomacke . Therfore I sent for you once againe to try if I can perswade you to recantation of your errour .

Sper.

That you may easily doe Gulato . For if singing the same song ouer againe may pleasure you , I can doe it with much addition of voluntary .

Gula.

Is it euen so ? then I see thou want'st breeding , that art ingratefull for a kindnes offered ; and ignorant , not sensible of the salutiferous operation of well brewed Ale : which for thy edification , I will manifest and demonstrate by a very familiar and apt similitude : and within the circumference of thy feeble comprehension , whereunto I wil now accommodate my whole oration .

Spe.

You are growen very eloquent of late . I thinke the Ale hath oyl'd your tongue .

Gula.

Why , thou art in the right . I tell thee I am at this instant so inflamed with the spirit of mault , and my wits so refined with the manifold reverberations , and continuall posting correspondence betweene the residence of that liquor in my stomacke , and the quintisencicall receites in my head , that no particle of time passeth , but whole streames of exsuflations , and insufflations ascend to the braines , and there worke wonders . By reason whereof it were not hard for me to furnish Ryder himselfe with 2000 new words not yet seene in his Dictionarie . I could turne Astronomer � and giue names to any starres that want . I can passe for a Physician among many fooles , and kill as many as the best Doctor of them all . Finally , what would I not vndertake as now I am armed ? But to returne to my druggicall similitude , from which thy waywardnes hath diverted me .

Spe.

Nay , let that alone vntill an other time . I vnderstand alreadie as much as I neede for that matter : I must be gone .

Gula.

You shall stay to heare it ; and let mee haue your iudgment , whether I might not with a little reading proue a perfect vrinalist .

Spe.

You are so troublesome when you fall into this case that I cannot skill of your companie .

Gula.

I tell thee 't is the best Physicke that euer thou hadst .

Spe.

I beleeue it before-hand . What neede you more ?

Enter Spurco and Insatiato . Gula.

O Master Spurco , you are welcome : speake your minde freely : doe not you thinke it better to sit merily a whole winters day , and most part of the night by a good fire , and command ( like men of authoritie ) the Tapster to fill vs an Ocean of drinke if we lift , and there among good fellowes to heare more newes then all the world knowes to be true , then to toyle and trash in the dirt without conversation , seldome comming neere one another as Hunters doe .

Spur.

No certainely . I hold it a beastly thing to sit besealing vpon a bench , and suck in drinke , as pigges do dregges in a trough : which custome although some base Huntimen , and Falconers vse , yet if I did thinke that Hunting were as odious and displeasing to God as drunkennesse is , I would soone dispatch my dogges .

Insat.

And I will free the Court from the fowle & loathsome custome of drunkennesse . For seldome and with very few it is vsed there . Officers , and order forbids it as vnseemly for a Princes palace . I wish we were as cleare from Idlenesse , pride , disdaine , envy , lecherie , covetousnesse , flattery , lying , cosenage , oppression , and vnthriftines , as we are from drunkennesse .

Secu.

Mary Sir , these are vices enow . And except you were guilty of all the deadly sinnes , and breach of every commandement , I know not what you could adde to these .

Her.

The delights of hunting and hawking , as also of other exercises , were ( no doubt ) ordained by God to comfort man in his banishment heere , and to giue him a taste of the vnspeakable pleasures in Heauen , ( our owne countrie ) but the excesse and abuse of any pastime , argues the receiuer vnreasonable , and turnes the benefite into detriment .

Of drunkards I say shortly and sharply ; they deprave Gods blessings , robbe and murder the poore , vndoe the Common-wealth , bring Gods curse vpon the countrie ; depriue themselues of Heauen , and merite Hell .

The Courtier ( who ought to bee the square of the countrie by his civill example ) puls vpon himselfe the ruine of millions , and sinneth much with doing litle .

Gula.

I am crushed in the head : no more drinking ; farewell good Ale .

Insa.

Giue me thy hand . Wee are all in little better case for any thing I heare by the iudgment of wise men .

Exeunt .
ACT. IIII .
SCEN. I. Enter Antonio , Proberio , Simplo.

I haue had such a stirre with this same begger Pohssib , his wife , and his friends : and so many complaints they haue made to the King and Councill , and turne themselues into all shapes and faces to force mee either to goe through with the bargaine or giue it ouer , that diverse of my friends are brought to favour his part for starke equities sake . But doe all what they can I will haue it , and not haue it : I will hold it , and not hold it . And I will none of the purchase , and yet not giue it over .

Pro.

I told you Sir , what an intricate businesse it would proue to be , and full of slander : therefore I wisht you to end it by yeelding the bargaine backe , for that wil be the end of it .

Anto.

Thou knowest not what wil be the end of it , nor I my selfe ; but I can best guesse , because I know his poore estate . I haue made a priuie search into his debts ; and some creditors I haue pull'd vpon him sooner then they meant . And in writing I haue every summe he oweth to neighbors , to workemen , and to his very servants . And this is the plummet I sound withall . This must bring the fish into my net Proberio . But what haue you done with the Knight and his Father-in-Law Master Eloc , for the 1000l . accompt ?

Pro.

Sir , that accompt goes otherwise then you would haue it ; for they proue that there was 1200l . taken vp , and of that you are to pay 400l .

Anto.

Are you sure of that ?

Pro.

I am so sure , that I am ashamed euer to haue spoken in a matter so contrarie to good conscience .

Anto.

You are so spic'd-conscienc'd , that there is no dealing with you . Will you demand if they will sweare in Chancery , that so is the accompt .

Pro.

That I will doe , and I am sure they will not refuse it . ( he turnes to the people , and saith ) this is but to colour his dishonest meaning , he knoweth the truth as well and better then they .

Exit Prob. Anto.

These fellowes are so rash , that a litle thing will satisfie them . I am partly perswaded the accompts be as he speaketh , but it is good to be sure . Thus thou must do Simplo in like cases , if thou wilt be a wise , politicke and warie fellow .

Simp.

I heare it well Sir , and haue lock'd it vp safely in my memento . I giue you many thankes for the 100l . you gaue me for my land , and for your carefull putting out the money as your owne . I againe for my part haue sealed the writings , and am ready to doe any thing els for making it sure to you . 'T is a good hearing that Master and man agree so well as your worship and I doe now . Now they say 't is a good title , and they will not make question of it , since you haue gotten it .

Anto.

No , I thinke not : for all their babling they will not easily beginne suite with me to recover it away .

Simp.

Feare nothing of that Sir , I can tell you newes . They say now your title to it is as good as any man hath to his land . And that you will keepe my 100l . as safe as the land ; and that 's good for me .

Anto.

That 's no newes . You may see now what it is to be circumspect in my dealing , and to haue a name to hold fast . Learne this against the time that you haue more land .

Exeunt .
ACT. IIII . SCEN. II. Intrant Rustico et Hortano .

Did you euer heare ( neighbour Hortano ) such a broyle betweene man and wife as yonder was betweene Porco and his wife ? you and I did very wisely to come away . For sure they did striue before vs for their credit sake to get the victorie of each other by scolding ; now we are gone perhaps they will giue over . Mee thought it was very noysome to heare such vnseemely words passe from maried folke .

Hor.

Sure their bitternesse pass'd the bounds of humanitie . They make me afraid of marying , if such jarres fall out betweene those that be one flesh .

Rust.

Let it not discourage you more then it repents me that I am maried : for it lyes in your power to haue all well and quiet if you chance to mary euen one of the short ribs of the great Divell .

Hor.

How can that be neighbour Rustico ? if you can teach me that , you doe much . For I haue heard many say , that it is impossible to tame a shrew by any meanes , except by hauing no woman at all .

Rust.

If you talke of taming by violence , you say well , it cannot be , for the more you striue to break their stomack � the more it growes ; like camamile , the more you tread it , the more it spreades ; and like a tree felled , where will grow 40 springs . But take a twig by the top � and gently bend it by litle and litle , it will grow in what fashion you will . A wasp is a shrewd stinging beast by nature , but if shee light vpon your face and hands , and creepe vp and downe , let her alone , and take her pleasure , she will doe you no harme , and quietly passe away . So if your wife will meddle with all things , giue her libertie to doe what she will , you shall haue her merry els she were worse then the Divell .

Hor.

I thinke this is very likely : but who can endure his wife to doe what she listeth at all times ?

Rust.

That can I , and that must you , or els you are not wise ; for if you may haue peace vpon any conditions , is it not your fault if you abuse to be jarring ?

Hor.

But I haue heard say � it is better to haue honorable warres , then inconvenient peace .

Rust.

That is among strangers and enemies ; but among friends , and with your selfe , what peace can bee dishonourable ?

Hor.

How commest thou to be so cunning in this kinde of argument ?

Rust.

Euen as you may if you will take the course that I doe . I haue a wife , the best creature that euer you saw in the order that she takes with me . But if I should be churlish , as perhaps you would be , and crosse her never so little , shee would rage like a fury of Hell . She speakes , and I giue eare ; she giues counsell , and I practise ; she commands , & I obey ; she chides , and I hold my peace ; she preaches , and I beleue ; thus we liue as louingly as Master and Scholler .

Hor.

But who could abide his wife to teach and controlle him ?

Rust.

Euery man that loues his ease . And if all wiues be as mine is , she shal be thrice happy to obey her . For she is the best woman to bring vp husbands that euer was borne . She will so instruct them in the wonderfull vertue of patience , that if they wil be ruled by her monitions , they shal be as good as martyrs , a great deale better then living Saints . I thanke her heartily , she is my Pilcatory in this world , I shal goe straight to Heaven whensoever I dye . Therefore lest I should lose the benefite of the blessed state I stand in by any misdemeanour of mine . I dare not offend her in the least matter . O 't is a great blessing to haue such a wife .

Hor.

But for all this it should bee long before I would chuse such a wife , which did desire to cary such a hand over me as she doth over thee .

Rust.

O neighbour Hortano , that thou didst but taste of the fruites of patience ! Intrat Lamia his wife with a cudgill of an ell long , and counterfeiting to be a Puritan , lifting her eyes vpward . ) Looke where my wife is ; I know her by the signe of the Bible . See how devout she is . She never lookes lightly lower then the Element . You may say what you will now , she cannot heare a word , her meditations be so fervent .

Hor.

Why doth she cary that cudgill while she is praying ?

Rust.

( She openeth her Bible , and makes shew to reade , and many times turnes her eyes with the white vpward . ) That is her rod of discipline , and a strange thing it is which now I tell you . She is never so rapt vp in her devotions , but if I co�mit the least fault ( as wretched man that I am many times I doe , and my best actions are abhominable ) she perceiues it presently ( and yet is deafe to all other noise ) and she comes to me fiercely in the heate of her charitie , and corrects mee verie handsomely with that wand .

Hor.

But will she correct her seruants with this cudgill ?

Rust.

O no , verie seldome , shee does not loue them so well ) except it be a verie great fault . But in me ( for the entire loue she beares me ) she will not suffer the least sinne vnpunished , lest ( as she saith ) any might remaine to bee rebuked by hell fire .

Hor.

But I had rather be her seruant , then her husband , if she strike with such twigges .

Rust.

Had you so ? but so had not I . For by this I am made sure of my election , when I doe patiently endure so great correction .

Hor.

How doth shee bring vp thy sonne Iacke ?

Rust.

Admirably well : for lest he should proue an Idolatour shee will not let him aske blessing vpon his knees . And lest he should abate of his mettle and stomacke , he must never put off his hat to vs , nor be denied any thing he cals for : so that being now but sixe yeares old he will fight , scratch , and tumble himselfe vpon the ground , crying vntill his hart breake if he may not haue his will in every thing . Then is there no way but giue it him , or els he will die with skreming . O , he will proue a man of outragious spirit . It makes me sometimes doubt he should not be my child , he hath so noble a stomacke , farre beyond mine . And , but that I know his mother to be a verie religious professour , I assure you it would trouble me much , he discovereth so much furie in his fashions , and such might by his madnesse , that I thinke many times some gyant got him when my wife was asleepe , for I am sure she would never suffer it waking .

Hor.

Nay , nay , if your wife bee a woman of that command as you describe her to be , and as she makes shew of no lesse by her part , it may well be , the Boy takes his courage from her , and his outward personage from you .

Rust.

You say well neighbour Hortano , that may be ; but I doe halfe mistrust my owne worth in getting such a child : but yet I loue him as well as if he were my owne .

La.

I came hither to seeke a kinde of husband that I haue . He wants gouerment and discipline ( I am sure ) ere this time : for I haue not seene him these three dayes past : the poore man wil be vndone , if I light not on him shortly .

Rust.

O , shee seekes me . What a good woman is this ? I must needes goe to her . Stand by neighbour � and note how zealously she will edifie me . How doe you good wife ? I knew it was you so soone as I saw you any thing neere me . May I be so bold as to aske where you haue been these two or three daies ? My boy Iacke and I thinke long vntill you come home .

La.

Why should you aske so foolish a question ? you knowe that I must frequent my contemplation : in which I cannot be lesse then two or three daies : the fervour of spirit is such among the elect that they may not depart in short time from their meditations , especially having such learned Teachers among vs , that are never wearied , and willing to accompanie and conduct vs in the darkest dangers . O the delights , pleasures , and sweet delectations that we feele during the time of these contemplations , that wee thinke no time contentedly spent but when we are imployed in these exercises . I thinke verily my goodly boy Iacke was begotten and conceiued in these deepe contemplations .

Rust.

What wife ; and I not there ?

La.

Alas man , why should you trouble your selfe with these matters which be so farre out of your reach ? was it not enough if my spirit did wishe you present ? or that in conceite you were with me ? what if you were asleepe at that instant , and so it were revealed to me by the spirit ? or if you had beene present , and my spirit should inwardly testifie vnto me that a teaching Saint must be preferred , ought not you to giue place ? I pray you husband giue over to muse on these hidden secrets , for otherwise these thoughts may make you horne-mad .

Hor.

How can you defend that to be lawfull to be gotten with child by any but your husband ?

Rust.

Indeed wife I cannot but thinke this reason good that you say , but I would haue beene glad to bee father to my owne child if it had pleas'd you .

La.

What doe you talke of reason ? it is beyond reason . It is matter of predestination , and preordination . Where is now your obedience and patience so often inculked vnto you ? I perceiue it is readie to flie out by your exteriour parts , but I will chastise this rebellious flesh , and make it subiect to the spirit .

( then she beateth him soundly . ) Hor.

Where learn'd you to beate your husband ?

La.

It is lawfull & possible for me to extract teares from his flinty hart with this rod of discipline , correcting him as the spirit moueth me .

Hor.

But how shall he know that a good spirit moveth you to correct him ?

La.

That appertaines not to him to examine . It is sufficient that his wife hath that inward testimonie which enableth and emboldeneth her to doe her function , and to minister disciplinary documents . And this hee is firmely to hold , or els he loseth his election .

Rust.

Nay wife ; rather then I should not be one of the elect I pray you beate me againe .

La.

You are not to informe me when I shall strike . It is the liuely spirit which directeth me : and now it telleth me you neede not at this time more to bee humbled . Goe in peace , and be patient .

Rust.

O Gods blessing on thy kinde heart . See how favourable a spirit she hath . I cannot chuse but weepe for this loue .

Then he weepes and howles with hands before his face . La.

Loe now Hortano the vertue of this rod , which bringeth so plentifull teares from this Rockie stomacke of his .

Hor.

But for all this I see no ground or proofe you haue , that a wife shall take vpon her to teach and correct her husband . You alleage Scripture as farre as Rome is from Rockingham , and expound it at your pleasure , and frame it to your owne fancie : but if I were your husband I would cudgill you well , and by the word maintaine it better .

L�.

What not yet vnderstand'st thou the text ? O foole , and slow of beliefe ! If thou were my husband ( Then shee shakes the cudgill at him ) I would ding it into thy braine in another fashion then by proofes . I pre thee tell mee , must not men be taught and instructed ?

Hor.

Yes : but what , shall women doe it ?

La.

Who els I pray you � shall beasts doe it ? Although women may not speake in the Church ( which is great pity ) yet we may preach in chambers , and men are tyed to heare vs .

Hor.

No , nor sluts neither : but men shall instruct men .

La.

Iump . And so woman instruct women , and none of them shall come to other . And how shall there then be procreation of the holy ones , and the Israell of God bee multiplied ?

Rust.

Nay neighbour Hortano , I warrant you my wife will proue any thing she saith one way or other . But good wife , let me intreate one thing at your hands ( if your spirit co�sent , that is , that I may call your son Iacke my boy for my credit sake . And that he may know no other but he is mine , and then shall I be quiet in minde , and thinke you deale verie iustlie and liberallie with me .

La.

With all my heart . And I professe vnto you that hee shall neuer know otherwise by me : but I doubt his generous spirit will not suffer him ( after a few yeares of discretion ) to tarrie long in that errour , but that he will heroicallie disdaine to haue you otherwise accompted of then his reputed father : and that he is rather the sonne of some zealous brother , who neuer sees the Relikes of Charing-crosse , but wisheth hee were on horse-backe with a launce in his hand , in full speed to beare it downe . And yet his mother extreame honest for all this .

Rust.

All this I stedfastlie beleeue . And I am afraide my owne weakenes wil be the first discoverer , and pleade not guiltie to getting of such a sonne . Nevertheles ( good wife ) I cannot chuse but thanke you much for your kindnes , that he shal be called my sonne , that men may thinke so noblie yet of me to doe such a deed . And for you wife ) I will sweare you are a verie honest woman for all this .

La.

No husband . You shall not sweare so rashlie . I thanke you as much as though you did . Your faith shall saue you without swearing .

Exit Lamia . Rust.

Was ever man more blessed with a wife then I am ? ( Then he holds his hands before his face , & fals to a silent meditation a prery while , at last fetching a great sigh , hee saith ) The Lord make me thankfull . ( Then he hides his face with his hands againe , and so standeth a while sighing and sobbing , untill Hortano shake him by the arme , saying ) .

Hor.

How now Rustico , what wilt thou doe : kill thy selfe with this same foolish zeale ? plucke vp a good heart , and liue to see thy boy a man .

Rust.

A man . He is a man already at sixe yeares age by his great stomacke ; and I thinke in my conscience I am not halfe his father . But I beshrew you for troubling mee , you haue done you know not what : for I was euen melting into � martir .

Hor.

A martir . How canst thou be a martir ?

Rust.

O yes , and I shall die so patiently , that I dare not call for a posset how sicke soever I be for feare of sinning , till the very point of death . And now I begin to be hart-sick .

Hor.

If you find your selfe so sicke indeed , I wish you to make your will , and dispose of your estate .

Rust.

How ? make my will ? that 's the next way to die in earnest .

Hor.

Not a whit neerer death for that .

Rust.

O yes . A will , and a toling bell are as present death as Gods tokens . No : I le none of that .

Hor.

Let me perswade you ( neighbour Rustico ) to make your will . I assure you it is superstition to thinke death to be nerer you for that cause .

Rust.

Superstition . The Lord defend me � I had rather not �o obserue order in anie thing then to be thought superstitious . I agree to you neighbour , and thank you for your gentle perswasion . I will presently doe it while I am in perfect memory .

� First , for my soule ; I will not bequeath it to God , but let it goe even as it is predestinated .

2 My body may be buried if my executor wil pay for it , or else let it alone , and be patient , as I was when I liued .

3 At my buriall I desire my wife to preach , and no body to heare her but my sweet boy Iacke and I .

4 Fortie shillings I giue to any man that shall put me into the booke of Martires .

5 My wit , & such like moueables I leaue as an heireloome to my sonne Iacke ( then lifting his eies vpward ) vpon whom my desire is that the firmament may powre downe as many ioyfull lots as there are heares vpon his fingers ends ; & that his seed may multiplie like mice in a maltheape .

6 All my breeches I bestow vpon my beloued wife .

7 My land ( if any be giuen me after my death ) I freely bestow vpon him that shall marrie her to amend his bargaine .

8 The rest of my goods and chattles which cannot bee found I will shall be equally devided ( at my executors discretion ) among the poore of the parish wheresoeuer I shal die .

9 And of this my last will and testament I make the longest siuer in London my sole executor , because I will haue no fighting , nor suits in law for my goods .

10 And you neighbour Hortano I make overseer of this my will , and for your paines to be taken therein , I giue you all that shall be overplus after execution of the same ,

Now my sight failes . Lead me , lead mee good neighbour home : and to bed , and so farwell , and good night .

Exeunt .
ACT. IIII . SCENA III . Intrant Antonio , Noverindo , & Proberio .

Here is more worke for vs Noverindo ( and wee will not worke for simple fees though foedum simplex bee a good tenure ) a frend of mine wants 2000l and I must haue it for him within these two daies or he seekes elsewhere .

Nov.

In anie case hold him in , let him not scape , hee shall pay for his expedition . I le about it , and I le haue it for you within 24 houres , or I le giue you my head ( hee goes forward a little , and suddenly steps backe saying ) I had almost forgot a matter of waight : you are intreated by the whole companie of our sort , that some order may bee taken to checke the sawcinesse of divers meane persons that enquire for monies to be taken vp . They make no more adoe , but with hats on their heads , aske the question thus : haue you 100l to lend vpon good securitie : what a malepertnes and abuse is this ? Of my honestie Sir . ( what a villain was I to sweare so deeplie ? ) there be manie knights , and some Lords that haue not alwaies 100l to lend vpon an instant . And then what reason is there , that we which haue it at all houres should be so sle�derly regarded ?

Anto.

You saie well Noverindo : I wish it to be redressed : but what would the companie haue me to doe ?

Nov.

This Sir : you are acquainted at Court : they intreat that you would vse your frends to get a grant vnder the broad seale ( whatsoeuer it cost ) that we may erect an office with a master and clarks belonging to it , to the ende that everie one which wants monie may repaire thither , and vpon request to the vnder clarks speake with the master of the office , and thence take directions how to proceed , and so obtaine monie . This will make them knowe themselues , and yeeld dutie to them that it appertaines : when they shall come by degrees to the worth of monie .

Anto.

This I like well ; but it will be a great charge to maintaine master and clarkes in an office , so shall wee loose much out of our gaine .

Nov.

Sir you mistake it quite . The companie hath argued that case to and fro . The master and clarkes will pick out a liuing well enough I warrant you out of them that take vp monie , and this will free them from other brocage . As you knowe all offices are maintain'd by the suiters , not by the granters of the place .

Anto.

Right : but who shall be at the charge of the patent ?

Nov.

That must be done by the companie . But wee le lose nothing by it . For wee are determined to let no monie goe but one waie or other we will get 30 in the 100. And if we giue commodities we will haue more : & t is reason too . The worse the bargaine is , the more they must lose that take it . And there is another thing that we will be at the charge of Sir . Wherein we must craue your helpe also . And that is : some armes from the king of Heraulds appropriated to our companie alone , and hanged vp behind the master of the office : this will giue honour to the place , and cause suiters to vnderstand they enter into a court of command and authoritie .

Noverindo whispers Antonio in the eare while Proberio speakes thus to the people . Pro.

O , I could fit these fellowes to a haire . I could devise them a crest as fit as a fan for a forehorse .

Anto.

Proberio : here is Noverindo hath a peece of imploiment for you , and thinks you can discharge it well if you list . And I le see you well considred . It is this . That you moue the Heraulds to giue the companie . Crest with the due circumstances . And goe in my name they will doe it the more freelie .

Pro.

Sir I am the onlie man for such a businesse . If the Herauld cannot aptly conceaue it , I can instruct him . I le vndertake to haue it speedilie .

Nov.

Thanks Proberio : and thou shalt not travaile for vnthankfull persons .

Exit Antonio . Pro.

Sir , it wil cost 10l besides somwhat for expedition : and I must haue it readie to paie : for I will not come from him till I bring it .

Nov.

Here is 10l and a peece for expedition : and another for thy paines : studie hard to haue it exactly done , thou shalt haue two peeces more . ( Proberio makes hast away , but Nov. cals him ) staie , one word before you goe . Let it bee somewhat terrible to the beholders : wee le make them doe ( that same ) in their breeches .

Pro.

But so you may scarre them quite awaie , they will come there no more .

Nov.

I warran : thee : if they were sure to goe to prison within a while after , they will come againe for monie . They are verie ventrous : nay desperate : nay foolchardy . O , monie is monie , and they must haue it .

Pro.

Saie no more , I le be your warrant , it shall bee fearefull enough . ( Exit Nov. ) and make some of you staine the place you stand in , and looke backward what drops behind you . Let me alone , I le dresse you as you should bee trim'd 30 in the 100. I le not forget that vpon my word .

Exit .
ACT. V.
SCEN. I. Enter Malingua the Lawyer . Mureto the Merchant , and Granato the Fariner .

It is even high time the world were at an end , for I think all trades are decaying : when my father put me to the Innes of Court he advised me in anie case to studie , so that I might be called to the barre , and then ( saith he ) feare not to liue in all plentie and credit . But I find it otherwise , for now that I am exalted thither , my law serues mee not to get my commons . I wish I had beene bred a Tapster : that trade is now more gainefull with froth then ours with all our words . And for anie thing I see t is like to last to the worlds end , whereas ours can be good no longer then people bee contentious . And that is a speciall argument the ale . sellers vse against vs , saying that we gaine by falling out of neighbours , & frends but they grow rich by meeting of good fellowes , and sitting together lovinglie . There are so manie hinderances growne vp of late that it is impossible our raigne should long continue although it be true ( and wee complaine not ) that malice is as great among men as ever it was , and can be wished : but the mischiefe is , their monie failes , & they grow wiser .

Mure.

I marvaile what will satisfie your greedie desires . haue you not the whole kingdome at your service & becke ? what Lord , Knight , Gentleman , Merchant , Husbandman , or other sort of people is not attendant at your studie dores , with paying and praying ? and glad that the fee which hee giues is of that glorious operation , that it breeds no wrincles in your forehead , but is cheerefullie receaued ? What congees , and submissiue requests to peruse their case with a little care ? What troupes conduct you to the barre ? What venison sent to your feasts ? What respect and entertainement if you vouchsafe to visite their countrie houses ? And finally , what honour and homage can bee done to subiects , but you haue it in all fulnes , and yet you whine as not contented . I perceiue you would murmure if you were so handled as poore merchants are , that vnlesse we turne Vsurers , we cannot liue .

Mali.

You complaine without cause Mureto . Your case is farre better then ours : for if one countrie or commoditie afford not gaine , you can go into another , and choppe and change as often as you list . We are tied to one countrie and place . You may offer your wares � and are sure to haue trafficke as the times and prices be . We may not tender our service to anie , but sit gaping in our chambers , as melancholicke as mice , vntill some bodie chance to knocke at the doore .

Gra.

It is merie when fisher-men complaine of Heringmen . Surelie the world might well spare of both sorts of you a great number . Concerning you Master Mureto , it is cleare that you play the merchant with vs , who bite and whine at your impositions . although you lose nothing ; but the whole burden thereof falles vpon them who spend the commodities , and must ere they buy , pay the shot of your impositions whatsoever it be .

And for you Master Lawyer , that grow fat with the drops which fals from other mens browes , and be merrie with the frets that gall the Clyents hearts : whose griefe is alwayes to heare of peace and charity ; and reioyce with the Fox , that the hennes fall out for their pearch : what fault finde you with this world that was never so rich with envy , and full of suits ? You are like the bo�e among gamesters , which gaines whosoever lose . But if all men were of my temper , I would make you leape a yard high for a groate .

Mali.

What , a whole yard ? what if I were neuer at the dauncing schoole , and cannot caper so high ?

Gra.

Then thou shouldst haue but two pence .

Mali.

Nay ; I know a tricke worth two of that . For if our craft faile , I le turne minister : and that I am sure will not deca� .

Gra.

Woe be to that Parish that shall haue a Lawyer to their Pastour � some bee already troubled sufficiently with citations ; they neede no common Law writs . And without a capias vtlegaium , a Lawyer can never preach .

Mali.

Who can endure this filthie Farmer to raile as he doth at vs two Mureto ? Let vs set vpon him . Are you so free without fault Master Granate , that you may throw your stones so thicke at others ? Belike no complaints are made against you for hoording vp corne against a deare yeare , for selling to badgers at a deare rate , and not serving the market : for mingling bad corne with the good , and fowle dressing of the best . For deceitfull plowing your neighbours ground that hires you at a hard rate , which makes the poore man weepe at haruest . Besides many other countrie tricks which breed new cases among old Lawyers , which I could argue vpon an houre together , if I were not presently to go to the hall to move in the Kings bench vpon an erectione firme .

Mure.

By lakin ( Master Granato ) you had been as good held your peace as buckl'd with a Lawyer . I sweare he hath in few words touch'd you to the quicke , and done you no wrong neither in mine opinion : but wee will adiourne this disputation vntill our next meeting , and in the meane time provide your selfe for a better defence .

Exeunt .
ACT. V. SCEN. II. Intrat Proberio & Antonio at severall doores .

Sir , Master Eloc and the Knight haue giuen me a copy of their accompt , and according to your charge , and their defence I haue drawen bill and answer . I haue shewed it them ; they lik't it , and wishe it should be ingrossed , and put into the Court , they will depose the answere is true .

Anto.

Is it so ? well , giue me them . If I find them in that forwardnesse I will take their word , and end it with kindnes . Proberio , you must remoue your trunkes and stuffe presently . I will cleare my chambers from all men but my selfe .

Pro.

What ? iust so soone as I haue done all your businesse must I be gone , you might haue suffered me vntill you goe out of towne , if then you will needes haue me remoue . You were wont to let me lye heere a weeke after , or as long as I needed . Mary now I finde the cause of that to be , that you had then some busines for me to doe .

Anto.

Yes ; but I purpose to sell my lodgings , and I must haue them out .

Pro.

Where shall I lye this night , being sodainely vnprovided ? and whither shall I cary my stuffe ?

Anto.

You shall haue a bed at the Inne where my horses stand . And your stuffe may be put in the out roome , neere the garden .

Pro.

There they may be stollen ; but I must bee content , ( though not pleas'd ) if there be no remedie .

Anto.

You owe me sixe pound ; you must provide it presently , or els I will arrest your sureties .

Pro.

That sixe pound I doe not owe , although you got my bond for it by a verie hard and vndue course . And to this I will depose . And if I did , I hope you will not exact it , having received such kindnesse heretofore from me when I was able , and you in extreame neede thereof , and now doing you so many services .

Anto.

Tell me nothing of that ; you haue beene satisfied in your dyet and lodging to a better value .

Pro.

In lodging ? I am ashamed to heare such a word , ( though you be not to alleage so base a reckoning ) I had alwayes my owne sheetes , except sometimes when mine were finer , you would change with me for worse . And the great dyet I had was sometimes a piece of cheefe , and one egge ; for which benefites , I haue travailed like a Porter , & written like a Clarke . Is this your gratitude for good turnes past ? and are all your promises thus performed ?

Anto.

How ? gratitude ? every begger talkes of gratitude . It is for such as you to sue for mercie , not to talke of gratitude , which is among equals .

Pro.

These were not your words to me , when you were a begger , and a borrower from mee , and had neede of the poorest helpe ; but then you found no begger of me , but your best friend .

Exit . Anto.

A proper reckoning . This fellow lookes for recompence . Why , he had my countenance which made him many times respected . And I could yet be content to speake for him , but doth he expect farther ? why , the fellow knowes not the world . Simplo , tell him that if my word may doe him any good , he shall haue it : but if he loue his libertie , let him challenge no deeds at my hands . He never had more of me then my word for that he now claimeth . And doth hee thinke to build castles vpon my word ? if he doe , they shall come downe apace . Now he is gone to remoue his stuffe , bid my Attourney take out execution against his suretie .

Simp.

This is cold comfort for mee . Sir , you make mee halfe afraid , you will turne mee off at the worst time of the yeare . I am not able to deserue so well at your hands as he hath done , and yet so lightly regarded . That is verie hardly done .

Anto.

Dost thou feare turning off ? it comes with a feare , and ends with a fever . Thou maist goe assoone as thou wilt after him .

Simp.

If it please you to giue me my I will take my leaue now .

Anto.

Soft a while , where is your witnesse that I haue 100l . of yours ? And if I had , thou wert content I should vse it as mine owne . But goe to , I le pay thee . There was a knaue ranne away with 100l . of mine , I le change with thee ; seeke him out , take the monie , and hang him � that 's interest .

Simp.

( turnes to the people . ) This is a poore helpe for my 100l . for all this I le not leaue his service vntil I get my 100l . or somewhat for it . I wood I had my land againe at a venture .

Exit Simplo. I�trat Proberio .

Sir , I haue remoued my stuffe into your garden roome ; but there it is not safe from robbing . And at your Inne I can haue no lodging . I must sit by my stuffe all night .

Anto.

It wil be so much the safer .

Pro.

I heare besides that my suretie is in execution at your suite for the sixe pound .

Anto.

That may be . I cannot helpe it vnlesse I be paide .

Pro.

You know I owe you nothing of that money .

Anto.

I know not that .

Pro.

Will you haue my oath ?

Anto.

No .

Pro.

Will you referre it to friends ?

Anto.

No .

Pro.

To your owne brother ?

Anto.

No .

Pro.

I protest vpon my faith no pennie of this monie is due . And yet to saue my suretie I offred a fine mewed Gossehauke , which before good witnesse you did accept , and caused me to keepe a whole Michaelmasse tearme in London : but at the end of that verie tearme vnknowne to mee , you sneak'd out of towne leaving order to haue my suretie arrested , and so followed , that now hee is � execution vpon that onelie suite . I say no more , but demand iudgment in this case .

Anto.

Proberio , I haue done thee the grace to heare thee to the full . And it ioies me much , that either he shall die in prison , or I shall haue that monie .

Exit . Pro.

Was there euer any so hard harted ? Twentie yeares past , when I was in prosperitie , and he at point of death , by rigour of Law , I tooke many costly iourney to Court , labouring for his pardon . I did him all the good offices that a true friend could doe for another . And I left nothing vndone that might doe him good . Besides , I lent him 50l . gratis in those times , my selfe paying interest for that money . At which time what vowes and promises he made me , I let passe , as ingratefull to my heart in repeating , and serue to no other purpose but for a warning , and a wo�der that so much ingratitude should harbour in an English man . And now you are all witnesses of my reward .

Exit .
ACT. 5. SCEN. 3. Enter Mureto , Granato , and Malingua .

Now Granato , if you be content to yeeld the victorie vnto Master Malingua this Lawyer , and confesse to haue wronged vs merchants with the petulancie of your prating ; you may perhaps haue your punishment extenuated if wee be your Iudges , and so quietly shut vp all among our selues .

Gra.

I am so farre from any such confession and submission , that I offer to maintaine euery word spoken in our last contention . And for iudgement I appeale from you both ; and know that I am your ancient from the time that Adam digged the earth for his liuing .

Mali.

Then purge your selfe Granato from the crimes we charg'd you withall : and the end will trye if you had not done better to take penance for your faults at our hands .

Gra.

For the high prices of corne ( which falsely and absurdly you impute vnto husbandmen ) if you had either wit or honestie you would soone graunt that there are two maine reasons for it which lye not in our power to redresse , but in the States wisdome to helpe . One is , the vncontrolled and improvident libertie for all sorts & degrees to marrie , so that many are grand-mothers at 30 yeares old . The other is the multitude of Inclosures and decay of tillage . And if we corne-men did not till all the ground we can get ; how deare ( thinke you ) would corne bee shortly ? Many other Reasons for brevity sake I omit , but these will hold argument against you for tearme of both your liues , and after your decease to your heires males lawfully begotten .

Mali.

Beleeue me Master Mureto , this Farmer hath made for himselfe a reasonable good Apologie , and put vs a hard case . It seemes he hath studied well since our last parle . But what say you Granato to your euill words lauish'd out against Lawyers ? therefore you must yet craue pardon .

Gra.

Not I truly . For I gaue you no worse speeches then you giue one another at the barre , nor so euill . For there you fall out like any skoulds : but the worst is , you wil be friends at dinner , yet neuer in charity I thinke . And I see no reason I should stoope to either of you , considering the goodnes of my cause . For I wil be iudg'd by any indifferent man , if I , and such as I am , be not honester and better then both your factions .

Mali.

Since thou hast offred it , thou shalt not escape vntill that be tryed , Heere sit a couple that seeme very wise by their silence , wee le bee iudg'd by them . What say you Mureto ?

Mure.

With all my heart . For wee can not bee worse then we are howsoeuer we speede .

Gra.

A match . I le refuse no mans opinion that is not of your rankes .

Mali.

Gentlemen . We need not report the causes of our reference vnto you . All our jarres , and wrangles you haue heard . We intreate you to finish them with your doome .

Secu.

To deale plainely with you all , mine opinion is , that the world is generally more wronged and abused by the Lawyer and merchant , then by the Farmer , who though he haue faults , yet gets he his liuing more honestly , and is of necessitie to be harboured . But Sir Hermito I must referre the full decision of their cause to your censure .

Her.

That one of them is better then the other , I doe not see ; therefore me thinkes the question should rather be which is the worst . The Farmer that deceiues so farre as his capacity will carry him , is condemned by his intention to doe worse if his skill did enable him .

The Lawyer is a necessary member of the commonwelth to finde and determine everie mans right . But if willingly he oppugne right , and be enemie to peace , he is the Diuels agent , and Christs enemie .

Likewise a merchant which causeth commerce and amitie betweene severed nations is a man commendable . But if he vse fraud , then is he pestiferous , and deserueth banishment where no societie is .

Malingua , Mureto , and Granato , make obeysance vnto Securus and Hermito , and turning together , say . Mure.

I told you Master Malingua , we could not lose by the bargaine . Now the Farmer is as bad as we . What say you Granato to this geare ?

Gra.

I say litle . Why ? I can be content to bee as dishonest as you . I am not proud of my honestie , nor doe I loue to be singular .

Mali.

But now thou seest we may be as honest as you , if we will our selues .

Gra.

Who denies that ? I stand not much vpon that neither .

Mali.

But hath this Hermites preaching done thee no good ? canst thou be content to mend if we doe so too ?

Gra.

Yes , with all my heart . And I le bee good before both you if you mend not the faster .

Mure.

Content . Let vs all amend : for I thinke in my conscience it is euen high time .

Mali.

All our hands wee will ioyne together in manner of a vow that it shal be so .

Exeunt omnes .
ACT. 5. SCEN. 4. Enter Proberio , bringing a cloth , wherein is pictured an Vsurer bare-headed with a purse in his left hand , on the out-side of which purse is set this inscription : 30. p. pro 100. And behinde him the picture of the Divell , with his armes strip'd vp , and white halfe-way , like the hangmans shirt sleeues , putting on a halter about the Vsurers necke , and shewing it to the people , sayth ,

Now , could I meete my merchant Noverindo , I haue heere a whole library for his learning . Heere he may studie while he spend his heart-blood with struggling , yet neuer reach the depth with his petitoes .

He rowles it vp-againe . Enter Noverindo .

How long I thinke vntill I meete Noverindo . All is readie at our office , but the Blazonrie of our coate of Armes to be set vp , and for want of that we lose many howres . For there be store of suitors without , that thinke long to seale they care not what . But wee will not open the doore vntill wee furnish it with that gashefull spectacle to affront them . Yet time is pretious with vs , who must accompt to an howre , els I le not giue a fart for a monie-monger that shall lose a minute negligently .

Pro.

This catiffe is carefull of losing time in his wrathheaping gaine ; but that this time be well spent , he takes no care at all . Well Sir , you shall not complaine of me for keeping you too long from the Divell , the sooner you goe , the better for the countrie you liue in . Noverindo : why fret you your selfe ? I haue more neede to bee chollericke for staying here this howre , waiting your leisure , while I might haue gotten 20l. by other imployments .

Nove.

I crie you mercie Master Proberio . I am sorrie for that . And I thought you had not dispatch'd our busines . I pray you let me see it . All our occasions are at a stand vntil it come , for it must be set vp before any be admitted thither , or els the world will thinke it to be a new devised trick , and not appendant to our corporation .

Pro.

None but fooles will thinke so when they view it well , they shal be caught to acknowledge that it was due to you long since , euen from your first denomination .

Nove.

Well said Proberio , so would I haue it appeare indeed . Vnfould , let me see it quickly . I am with childe till I see it .

Pro.

With childe ? with the Divell you are . But soft Sir , is there no more in the case then you make shew of ? what presently see it , and haue it , and set it vp ?

Nov�.

No . Why should there be any more circumstances vsed ? is it not ours , and belongs to vs onely ?

Pro.

But Sir , haue you forgotten my two pieces you promis'd mee vpon finishing the busines ? I warrant you I haue deserv'd it you neede not grudge me .

Nove.

If I like it , I will performe your two pieces . Will you not trust me for 44. shillings ?

Pro.

Why should you aske me such a question ? Is there any man in Christendome or in Kent , that you will trust for 40. shillings without good securitie ?

Nove.

No . But you haue good securitie : for you haue the thing it selfe in your hand , which you may keepe .

Pro.

Yes , I haue , and will keepe you from sight of it vntill I haue my money . For what can I tell ? you may be so ouer-ioyed with the sight , that you may runne madde vpon it . And then what guardian of yours while you liue , or administrator when you die will pay me 44. shillings , especially being due for a thing that put you out of your wittes ? Therefore satisfie your selfe , you shal not see it vntill I haue euerie pennie of my money .

Nove.

How shall I know that it is done when I haue pay'd you ?

Pro.

Euen as I know that you will pay me 100l . when I and my sureties haue seal'd the bond to your vse before I receiue a pennie .

Nove.

You say well . Come , heere is your money .

Pro.

Now you shall see it . ( Then he sets it vp with some device vpon a staffe . that with turning it all the spectators may view it , and saith ) Looke heere Sir , heere 's roddes in pisse for the villaines .

Nov.

Noverindo lookes earnestly vpon it a long time , and then fetching a great sigh , saith . What Tiburnist is this ? And what 's the mysterie of all this picture ?

Pro.

Sir . this Tiburnist , or hangman is the Divell . And this fellow that hath the purse is Iudas . the figure of 30 with p. ioin'd to it signifies 30 pence , for which he sold his master . That which followeth is meant of Christ , worth a hundred worlds : for which fact the Divell put a halter about his neck and hang'd him . So shortly this is the summe of all .

Iudas who for 30d sould Christ infinitely greatest Was hangd by the Divells helpe , and reputed with the basest . Before you saw the history , Now you heare the mystery . Nov.

T is a good exposition . But I wood I had my two peeces againe . I doe not like it very well , for manie ignorant people will take it farre otherwise : as thus , 30. p. 30� . for a hundreth . And he that taketh 30� in the 100. is to be hangd by the Divell .

Pro.

T is true . manie may thinke so : but your Clarks must informe them in the sense . No man can put a secret in figures but it may be diversly interpreted . And so be all oracles taken in sundry sences .

Nov.

But I wish it were made plainer to the vnderstanding : for the more part will take it as I did at first sight .

Pro.

Why should you thinke so ?

Nov.

Because I cannot imagine any other meaning so proper to those figures as that I conceaued .

Pro.

That 's because you are parcell � guiltie . But I will gather two other conceits as proper as that of yours .

Nov.

If you can doe so I am satisfied .

Pro.

Thus 30� pro 100. that is , hee that giues 30 in the 100 is worthie to be hanged .

Nov.

That iudgement is very preiudiciall for vs , & may force from vs many Clients .

Pro.

I doe but gesse at this for varietie sake , And then another is this . 30� in the 100. hee that will not giue 30 in the 100 is worthie to be hanged .

Nov.

O this ; this . none like to this . Now I like this riddle excellent well that yeelds so manie , & so wittie co�structio�s .

Pro.

Nay here one more comes flowing in . I tell you t is a verie copious theame . � could keepe you here this houre with voluntarie varietie . I remember them as fast as they come into my braines by huddles . 30 in the 100. and the hangman by : that is , he that will not giue 30 in the 100. shal bee hang'd before he get anie monie there .

Nov.

And so he shall � warrant him . This is as good or rather better then the other . I commend thee Proberio . either of these will serue our turne .

Here , thou shalt haue one peece more . I le bee bigger to thee then my word . Thou wilt make all our worships harts merrie with this device .

Pro.

I thanke you Sir . And if you knew with what alacritie , and willingnesse I went about it , you would thinke it well bestowed .

Exit Nover.

Let him goe , he carries his owne rodde . No man that hath his sences will coniecture otherwise then himselfe did at first . videlicet .

He that takes 30 in the 100 and not a peny vnder , Is worthy to be pendent till the hemp crack� asunder . Exit .
ACT. V. SCEN. V. Enter Antonio and Simplo.

I bad you goe to M. Thompson for my rent , haue you brought it .

Simp.

Sir , he hath sent your rent all but 30 shillings which he abated for 80 caudles at 4d the caudle .

Ant.

What an asse art thou ? I sent thee for my rent , not to paie for caudles .

Sim ,

Why sir , he deducted it , then how could I helpe it ? it were a great shame not to paie for your diet in the accou�t .

Ant.

You should haue left the imputation to me .

Sim.

So I did neverthelesse : but for my credit sake that fetched them every morning I thought reason to discharge your score .

Ant.

Score ? what score ? is my hand at it ? or did you keepe a tallie ?

Sim.

I kept no tallie but he is a verie honest man , & his wife chalked them vp behind the do�e .

Ant.

I am as honest as they . but yet I never vse to keepe reckning of caudles when they be eaten halfe a yeare before and the taste washed from my throat . If hee cannot afford his Landlord 100. caudles without monie , he is no Tenant for me . What ; no lesse then 30 shillings in caudles taken out of my rent at a clap , who did euer heare of the like ? And the price too is monstrous : groates apeece ? why , it were enough for a supper at my chamber . Indeed they were very sweet and good , but what of that ? a man may buy gould too deare . Tell him from me , I will not allow him a penie for caudles , and yet I will haue my rent .

Simp.

Sir , there stands a poore gentlewoman called Mistris Richardson at the doore , and desires to speak with you .

Anto.

A poore woman , what haue I to doe with poore folkes ? bid her come in , she shalbe neuer the richer for me .

Exit Simpl� . Intrat Susanna Richardson , makes cursie with a paper in her hand , and a seale to it , saith ,

Sir , a kinsman of yours and mine , a knight , when he went to travaile had no money to spare , but bestowed on me 10l which you owe him by this your bill . I beseech you to pay me , for now I am in want .

Anto.

Let me see the bill . If it be mine I will discharge it . She giues him the bill , and after well viewing , he teares off the seale , and saith � I owe him nothing , nor will pay thee any thing .

Susan .

Why doe you teare the bill � if you will not pay it .

Anto.

Did not you say it was my bill ? if it be mine , why may not I doe with it as I list my selfe ?

Susan .

But you promised to discharge it ; and doing so , it is at your pleasure to teare or burne it .

Anto.

Haue I not discharg'd it thinkst thou ? I warrant thee t is sure enough for euer charging me agai�e .

Susa.

O heauens ! was there euer such a monster hatch'd what age but this could haue fostered so degenerous , so shamelesse , so frontlesse a beast as thou ��t ? It had beene happie for manie that haue had to do with thee if that Skin�r� this had beene flead from that impudent face of thine .

Anto.

Be gone ; Thy tongue is left thee to raile at large , but thy meanes be short to revenge thy selfe by law . Therefore feede vpon thy woes , and teares , money thou gettest none of me .

Exit Anto. Exit Susanna a contrary way wringing her hands .
ACT. VI.
SCEN. I. Enter Furioso the souldier , with his company Gorraso the Intelligencer , and Phantastico the Musician .

Courage my companions . Plucke vp your hearts , mee thinkes I heare the sound of trumpets and drummes within my brest . Whether I wake or sleepe nothing but Alarums beset my thoughts : warres cannot be farre off . Euerie thing prognosticates stirres and broiles . The verie children muster in the streetes . We haue liu'd a great while like metamorphised men . It is such a sight for souldiers to walke in Pawles with long cloakes and graue attire as if they were turn'd Civilians . Whie should we alter our proper habits being ensignes of honour ? Hath not the whole need of vs by turnes , and fits ? And to one place or other we are still invited . VVe succour the besieged , and relieue the distressed . VVe restore kingdomes , and set captiues at freedome . VVe tosse and tennis Crownes and Monarchies , & bestow them at pleasure . Finallie we make the earth tremble , and discolour the running streames .

Some few faults we haue , but not worthie to be so generallie condemned .

Corra.

The life of a souldier as now adaies it is vsed , is of all occupations the worst : and in a word is the high way to Hell .

Furio.

You need not bend your selfe so stifly against anie sorts of people , be they never so wicked , being your selfe one of the basest and most vnnecessarie fruitspillers that ever made themselues mercenarie . An Intelligencer , a spie , an Euesdropper is hated , and shunned of all the world .

Corra.

As true as I liue , it were a good deed to apprehend you . I le laie my life you are an enemie to the state .

Furio.

Yes to your state . doe you kicke alreadie ? nay I le gale you better yet . with thy borrowed braverie thou perkest , and insinuatest thy selfe into the best companie , & vnderminest their thoughts with thy lavish and warranted impeaching of states proceedings . And if anie perhaps second thee in thy fained murmuring him thou pursuest , and becomest first his animater , and then his accuser . such a one was D. Pary vntill the snare hee laid for others compassed his owne necke .

Corra.

Sir , you doe vs vnsufferable iniurie : we are busied onlie in our Countries service , and certifie all things offensiue to it .

Furio.

That 's the intent of your mission , and cause of your entertainement . But you ( to seeme diligent ) attend ma��e times to bables and toies , and the better to packe awa�e paper you send your owne surmises when waightier affaires either happen not , or escape you . And so least you seeme to neglect your service , you returne tri��es .

P�an.

For anie thing I see you are both pernicious me�bers , and never to bee nourished but in cases of necessitie . We Musitians are fortunate who hurt none , and covet to please none . We driue away melancholie , We recreate the mind , and reviue the benummed spirits , and are welcome to all sorts . Such souldiers as you are Segnieur Furioso I make no more account of , then of so manie fowle thistles in a medowe at Midsommer , whose heads everie child will whipp off with a wand And I will haue a still , plaine , temperate lad shall breake thy bones with his blow , when such ayre beaters will scarce peirce the skinne . I will my selfe bee one of the six Musitians that with the helpe of a few vnarmed sillie folkes shall kill 100 such souldiers in an houre : and yet we Musitians will haue no weapons but instruments of musick .

Furio.

How shall this come to passe , I desire to heare for my learning ?

Phan.

Thus . I will assemble a few falre women as honest as I would haue them , and wine enough . You shall haue your bellies full of all your desires . They shall daunce you faint , and kisse you wearie . And when you cannot feele a needle thrust through your noses they shal cut your throats with ease . And we musicall mates will celebrate your Infernalls with bells vpon our fiddles .

Now with you Sir necke . nipper , or M. Corraso ( if so you be stiled ) I will be briefe . While you doe your prince and countrie good service , I wish you rewarded : but the first time you be trecherous you should be well guarded .

Furio.

What now foolish fidler , dost thou thinke freely to carie awaie these exorbitant and opprobrious tearmes ? I le haue thee banisht all howses of my acquaintance . It is not long since you were teaching the lute to a pretie wench and wittie , and were fingring her frets vnfit for your dirtie . Its best for you to be quiet , least I tel the rest which I know .

Sec�

Sir Hermito � If you bee not . I am wearie with hearing such varietie of vice . The souldier that was wont to bee the honour of everie countrie he came in , and a glorie of his owne , is now become odious abroad , and intollerable at home . The intelligencer might doe good service if you could devise to keepe him from doing hurt , which is as hard as to restraine a man of warre hauing letters of Mart from robbing his owne countrie men .

The Musician that ought to present nothing euill founding , is now the setter of all vnsauerie sonnets . His office was to teach the measures and daunces of order and comelines , not the loftie Levalto and tricks of intemperance .

Her.

I assure you Master Securus those things are as distastefull to me as to anie other . And I am so much the safer that I liue from their sight and knowledge . The Souldier , the Spie , and the Musician haue their severall abuses much degenerating from their first institutions ; if anie man can perswade them to repaire vnto my cell , I will doe my best to reforme them .

Exeunt Furio , Corraso . and Phantastico , doing reverence to Securus and Hermito .
ACT. VI. SCEN. II. Enter Antonio . and Simplo at severall dores , stamping , chasing and throwing downe his hat .

How now Simple , what 's the newes now ?

Simp.

Marrie I was never in such a scurvie case in my life .

Anto.

What is it ? hast thou the pox ?

Simp.

No , t is worse . that 's but a toy , t is the plague . I am so pestred with yonder woman Susanna Richardson . She saies you did teare lier bill of 10l . she scoulds , she tailes ; she threatens to dwell with you , to lay her child at your doore , and set vp the cause vpon your gate : and everie thing shee will doe vntill she be agreed withall . She makes me wearie of my life : she followes me like a ghost : and now she stands at dore . If you had not beene heere shee had neuer left mee , but she cannot abide to see you .

Anto.

All this I little care for ; but there 's a thing in it . I feare the Star-chamber because shee hath witnes ( or els I would not care neither ) I must agree with her , bid her come in .

Enter Susanna , makes curtsie .

You shewed me an old rotten note tother day . T is not worth two pence . What would you haue � I owe you nothing .

Sus.

The note was worth 10l till you fingred it , now t is not worth a halfe-penie indeed : but if you will giue me nothing , I will tell the King . I am a poore widow , he will help me .

Anto.

The King woman ? Alas , he hath great businesse , neuer trouble him with this toy . I le giue thee somewhat in charitie , but not a penie of duetie .

Sus.

Charitie ? that would I faine see from you . Pay first the 10l which is due , and then bestow your charitie .

Anto.

Well , woman , heere is 50 shillings with a good will : take this , or get more anie way you can .

Sus.

I should haue had an ounce , heere is but a quarter . I am poore , therefore I am constrained to take this , but I leaue the rest vpon your conscience still .

Exit . Anto.

Nay , then I care not , wee 'l doe well enough with conscience Simple . I am glad t is at an end in Law .

Simp.

So am I Sir , now I shall bee quiet . An you mark'd Sir , I neuer intreated you for conscience sake to giue her anie thing , but for my trouble . Nay I haue learn'd to stretch a conscience with any man since I came to you . And t is soone learn'd if a man will giue his mind to it : for the good will of a jade is all . What a foole was I that began no sooner to studie it �

But I haue more newes to tell you Sir . As I came by the Chancerie office I was call'd in to see a verie foule bill , put in against you at M. Thompsons suit , for things which you did take ( not altogether steale ) out of his house . And for a lease parell hee challengeth from you : and there are also your fourescore and ten cawdles in a rowe : in everie line a Cawdle , spic'd and sweet , & as hot as ever they went down your throat : and some saie they shall be still vpon record in perpetuam rei memoriam , if it bee true , it shall goe hard but everie morning in tearme times as long as I liue I le spend my penie at one of them .

Ant.

Hath he seru'd me so ? well . t is a maxime with mee Simplo to be asham'd of nothing ( as thou knowest ) but yet I le be even with him . He shall out of his house whatsoeuer it cost me .

Simplo.

There is also another bill against you by your wiues neere cosen , wherein you are charged ( not directly with stealing , but taking without the owners privitie or co�sent ) a picture , a map , and other houshold stuffe .

Ant.

I make no more reckning of that imputation then of the rest . For if the worst fall I shall haue them as they bee praised .

Sim.

Nay , if you care not for the manner of taking the� , the matter is not great otherwise .

Ant.

Not a rush Simplo , saue and thinke what they will , I am sorie � tooke no more .

Sim.

But one thing made me laugh hartelie , and in my conceit it was a wittie tricke that was told me latelie , that you borrowed 100l of a gentlewoman called Mistris Ferrers Gratis , and put it out for 10 in the 100. And after a yeare and a halfe with much adoe paid her : and so you got 15� handsomelie . I would I could tell whereto borrow two or three 1000� in that sort . Me thinks I haue wit enough to thriue on this fashion .

Ant.

T is a fine way indeed , and cleanelie ( so that a m� looke to his securitie ) And comes in without stoc�e of his owne : a verie begger may grow rich thus : and everie paultrie knaue may thriue so , if he take heed . Millers vse this tricke to lend a bushell of another mans corne ground into meale to be paid againe in wheate , so he takes tole twice of one bushell , and no cost of his owne , It is but making the first bushels owner �ay so much the longer .

Sim.

There are yet two other things obiected , but both of our nature therefore though it were a huddle , it makes but a single game . One was this that you picked the first letter out of a truncke ful of linnen , ( the letter for the surname seruing your name as well as the owners you let stand ) and put on A. insteed of R. which was picked out . And this was Mr. Rellips linnen . The other was that you marked pillowes , and other stuffe of a noble mans with your own marke , and �sed them as your owne . I forgot the noble mans name but it sounds like a port towne toward the sunne when it is at the highest . They had much of their stuffe againe , but some stucke in your fingers . And reason too I thinke : shall a man take paines to marke another mans goods for nothing ? A halter for him that hath no better wit then so , to thriue by .

Ant.

There was such a speech of this marking , but I denie it .

Sim.

And what then ? will that serue the turne ?

Ant.

It must serue . for they shall never proue directly that I did or causd it to be done .

Sim.

But they were found in your possession . and then how can you avoid the discredit ?

Ant.

Discredit ? they may bee glad to haue their things againe . who can tell but they be mine ? I am sure they naile my marke . And how shall a man know his owne but by his marke ? And howsoever these things are , time will weare them out of memorie .

Sim.

All these are well answered . What saye you Sir to the taking of a conveiance out of a painted boxe in your father in lawes studie � by meanes of a keye with pretence of another businesse ?

Ant.

Tush . I said it there againe when I saw they kept such a stirre about a paultrie peece of parchment . I will not be beholding to them .

Sim.

What an vnkindnesse was that , that your father in law did threaten to sue you for 700� you owed him ? Alas Sir I see you haue beene much wronged among them . Hang such a father .

Ant.

I but I dealt well enough with him : for I sent him word that if he did sue me I would bring him in more trouble then twice so much monie could excuse him for other matters .

Sim.

And reason too I thinke . shal they make a man pay monie before he be willing ? t wood make a man doe that a wood not , when they goe to extremities . I haue done for this time Sir . the next time you call for newes I hope I shall haue as much more . But now I remember mee there is one thing more . Your lawyer asked mee for a fee for your last businesse : shall I giue it him ?

Ant.

No . I am sure he did not aske you . I brought a cosen of mine tother day to him that gaue him a fee . Indeed I told him that he should goe to my lawyer and giue him no fee . But when I had him there , and he put his case , I whisper'd my cosen in the eare to offer him a fee : But I did not whisper my lawyer to refuse it . and so verie honestlie hee tooke it : and I knowe therefore hee will expect no fee for my owne businesse .

Sim.

Then belike I mistooke it . perchance hee thank'd you for bringing your cosen to giue him a fee without cause , being well resolved before by other Councell . Well now Sir I hope you will bestow my freedome vpon me . I desire no more cunning then now I haue , and I le serue you still , and set vp for my selfe : for I had rather bee a double knaue then a single foole .

Ant.

I will not stick with thee Simplo : go to the Chamberlaine there it must be done .

Exeunt . Ant. & Simp.
ACT. 6. SCEN. 3. Enter Insatiato and Infaelicto .

What saist thou boy ? mee thought wee had but a short dinner to daie with yonder daintie Ladie and taried so long for it . How far'd you in the hall ?

Infae.

We had verie short commons . and I am hungrie still : we had no meat but your revertion , and the scraps of your trencher when I changed with you .

Inf�.

Alas we left nothing but bare bones . wee had but a quarter of a necke of mutton betweene three , and Paruagracio and I eate no meat nor bread since yesternight at 10 � clocke : and from my trencher thou couldst get little but the fat squiz'd from the flesh which I eat . I was so hungrie that me thought I could haue eaten that smal Ladie , and her great cheere all at a meale . Here goe thou to dinner at some ordinary ( he puts his hand in his pocket but finds nothing there ) staie till I haue monie : thou canst fast a litle , canst thou not ?

Inf�.

Yes a little , if I can get no meate .

Intrat Pestifero . Insa.

Yonder comes Pestifero my brother . He could never haue come in a better time : for I haue neither monie nor clothes to pawne : but boy not a word of our wants : wee le seeme to be verie flush : the offer shall come from himselfe , else we shall haue him verie coye and deere .

Pest.

By your favour Sir I am bold to see as you doe . I heard you were evill ( he snites his nose ) at ease with melancholie .

Ins�.

Welcome Pestifero : indeed I haue beene a little trobled in minde . but now I am verie merrie .

Pest.

In good time Sir , I am glad of your worships amendment . I doubted least you lack't monie , and were sad vpon it . I came to pleasure you , if that had beene your disease .

Insa.

Thanks for thy good will Pestifero : but I am pretilie stored at this instant : I knowe not how soone I shall want , for all things are vncertaine in this world .

Pestif.

Verie true Sir , manie changes in this age . wilt please you then to make provision against a rainie daie , and take this while it may be had ?

Ins�.

I , but then you knowe interest will runne on it is no good husbandrie to take it so long before the time it may be I shall not need it this seauen night yet .

Pest.

Way Sir , if you bee so provident that you reckon of weekes . it is time for me to be gone : I haue other frends to pleasure , that scorne to stand vpon two months past before the sealing , from the time of the first be speaking the commoditie resting from them vntill their securitie were provided . I le see you some other time .

Insa.

Nay staie : I am not covetous . I hate it with my heart : if it may doe thee a kindnesse I can be content to accept thy friendly offer , so thy commoditie bee vendible . I knowe thou comest in good will .

Pestif.

Vendible Sir ? yes that it is : and you will say so soone : no man will suffer it long in his house .

Insa.

What stuffe is it ?

Pest.

Of diverse sorts : I knowe not my selfe : but they are finelie pack't vp . I saw a car vnloading with such ware even now as I came , it is a commoditie more sought for by daie and night then anie I knowe . I tell you it troubles the Lord Maior , and all the Iustices to keepe the people in order that gather these wares , they are so eager in catching at them .

Insa.

Of what value is the commoditie ?

Pest.

You may haue 100l worth , or halfe , as you please .

Insa.

What will 100l worth yeeld to be sold ?

Pest.

At a word it will yeeld you 60l readilie : I le not dissemble .

Insa.

What securitie ?

Pest.

Your selfe and your friend such another .

Insa.

What saie you M. Parvagracio ? you know him .

Pest.

I know him well I warrant you he shall be taken .

Insa.

What will content you .

Pest.

What you please Sir , 40 shillings , I le not ingrate vpon you ,

Insa.

Now let me cast vp my accompt . 40l lost out of the principall at the first 10l the interest . 40 shillings the broker . All this is but 52l in the 100 , t is reasonable as the world goes now : here is my hand . As I am a gentleman I le haue it vpon these tearmes , so that the bargaine be no worse then you speake of , put the bands to making . Now tell me what call you the commoditie ?

Pest.

The commoditie Sir , is old ragges , such as are fou�d in street donghills with raking day and night as I told you .

Insa.

What a villaine art thou ? old ragges ? how durst thou presume to offer me old ragges ?

Pest.

Why Sir , I tell you they are readie monie at the paper mills .

Insa.

Paper me no mills . I le not foule my fingers with them .

Pest.

You shall not need Sir , I wil take order for selling them � and I hope you can abide to tell the monie when I bring it . I wood your worship had 1000l worth of them , as filthie things as they be .

Insa.

So would I : but it shall never be said for my credit sake that I tooke vp a commoditie of old ragges or doublets . I haue heard of manie scurvie bargaines , but never the like to this .

Pest.

Why sir , t is but your fancie . And now you cannot goe backe : here is witnesse enough you engaged your honour to haue it . take the lesse and saue your reputation .

Insa.

I did so indeed , the more foole I to passe my word before I felt their stinke . I cannot abide to thinke on them . But to saue my credit goe to , dispatch . I le haue the whole 100l since I must haue some . I le never giue my bond for � little .

Pest.

VVell sir , it shall be done .

Exit Pestif. Insa.

Now boy , was not this well handled ? I must haue had them vpon any tearmes : but hee never perceiued it . Didst thou marke how �ee intreated mee with respectiue tearmes , and pinn'd the bargaine vpon me ? Those bee alwayes the best penie-worths . It is a goodly thing to bee wise . Remember boy when thou comest to yeeres , to take this course of thriuing .

Insa.

Indeed Sir you carried this businesse admirablie to the end . I would rather then 40l for my minde sake my old master your Worships father had st�od in a corner , and had heard , and obserued his sonnes wisdome . I warrant it had beene worth 1000l to some bodie .

Insa.

Well . Now wee want nothing for getting this � threescore pound but Par�agracio to seale . Goe �eeke him out , and wee le be merrie .

Insa.

I goe fetch him .

Exeunt Insat. & Infael. Secu.

I thinke the aire is infected , that such contagious caterpillers swarme abroad in this age to destroy youth , that scarse one fruite among 100 comes to bee ripe but is first rotten . Such as this broker is are nourished by the Divel for no cause but to waste yong men in old prisons . And these cormorants which set them a-worke to entise youth to these pestilent adventures me thinkes they can haue no hope that he which receives so litle monie vpon great bonds , doth euer meane to pay them . For he deales not with one of these gripers , but with as many as he can find wil be content with his owne securitie . Therefore when he comes to bee arrested he is buried aliue for all , and payeth none .

Her.

I wish they were all so serued . then the losse of the monie on the one side , and the sharpe rod of imprisonment on the other side , would bring both sorts to repentance , � bethinke themselues of vsing � good conscience to deceiue on neither part . But if your Chauncellour hold on his course i� allowing the extortioner no more but the bare monie made of such commodities that will shortlie end the abuse . For this Esops dog will learne to hold the next piece better � then to be deluded with a shadow of double gaine .

ACT. VI. SCEN. IV. Enter Antonio , Simplo � Purgato all booted . Stercorato the hostler . Camerado chamberlaine . Ostler .

Take heed to my horses � that they bee well walked stuffed and dressed .

Stere.

I warrant you Sir , and your Worship may haue provender of all sorts .

Came.

Will it please you to see your chamber ?

Anto.

Yes � but I must haue the best in the house .

Came.

You shall Sir . What wilt please your worship to haue to supper ?

Anto.

First bring me a crustie manchet , and a single pot of beere .

Came.

It shal be done Sir ( turnes to the people ) heere 's a hot guest I perceiue by the single pot .

Exit . Simp.

What will you haue to supper Sir , that wee may bespeake it for we are verie hungrie ?

Anto.

It is not wisedome to eate a meale when you are hungrie , for then you eate too much and surfeite . Euen as it is not good to fight or correct schollers when you are in choller , for then you will doe it beyond measure . I am as hungrie as you , yet I will eate but a manchet , and drinke twice of one pot .

Pur.

What Sir ? will you take vp the best chamber , and spend but two pence for your part . And this at Croyden so neere London ?

Anto.

No more . And but for the best chamber I would spend but a penie , a pint of beere and a halfe penie bread .

Pu�.

VVhat a shame were this if your friends should heare it ?

Anto.

Leaue the disgrace to me . I can beare it . Pass�� graviora .

Simp.

Come Purgato � thou and I will bespeake our supper . 20d a peece wee will spend to stoppe this current of rumour .

Exeunt . Intras Camerado .

Here is a delicate manchet Sir . what meat to your supper ?

Anto.

This is not crustie enough . Change it .

Cam.

But we haue no better in the house .

Anto.

I will haue it chang'd .

Came.

Well Sir , I will doe my best . what shall my Mistris provide for your supper ?

Anto.

When thou hast chang'd the manchet thou shalt know .

Exit Camerado .

A long journey haue I ridden , and all day fasting , except a breake-fast at my friends house . Now if I should fill my bellie , two shillings will not serue in sheere meate for me� and my two men . This way yet I saue somewhat : for these hungrie knaues out of their owne purses spend three shillings two pence : for I will allow but pence a piece . I hope they will not compare with mee to aske two pence a peece as I spend . O to morrow , to morrow at dinner will I carry in for feare of fowle weather , when I come to Master Remraf his house , my continuall host and friend , whom I cannot bauke , he is so conveniently in my way , and keepes good cheare . Oh , by that time my stomacke will be tanquamignis accensus , a flaming fire , dispatching all meates it toucheth . And it is Physicke sometimes to keepe a stomacke so fierie : for it will consume the verie wormes if anie crawle vp to the stomacke for lacke of nutriment in the maw .

Intrat Camerado .

Sir , I haue beene with all the bakers in the towne for a crustie loafe .

Anto.

Thou hast done well . this is as it should be .

Came.

Now Sir , what to supper ? my Mistris stands at gaze vntill I tell her .

Anto.

My friend . I haue a verie euill stomacke , it will endure nothing toward night but bread and drinke , my men I thinke wil haue something .

Came.

( Turnes to the people , and saith ) Heere is a customer for Paltocks Inne , but wee le nicke him well enough in his horse-meate , and scurvie sheetes .

Exit . Anto.

I heare the knaue well enough , but I le watch you for both . My horses shall haue but litle provender . I le call at some Farmers house to morrow , and �ate a pecke in his stable � and for sheetes I le lay them by , and change with my men �

Exit .
ACT. � . SCEN. 4. Intrat Insatiato & Infaelicto .

Sirra , haue you found Parvagrac�� ? when will he come �

Inf�.

To tell you the naked truth Sir I haue beene asleep till I heard you call for your golasshes : for I was so hungrie , that if I had not slept I had committed Burglary somewhere to get victuals : Now I le finde him out . ( �ee steps forwards , and turnes againe � saying ) but I pray you Sir remember to giue mee my two shillings you promised mee for bringing newes of your dinner . Now you shall haue monie , I speake before it bee gone .

Insa.

Yes , and before it be come . why dost thou tarrie the Scrivener will thinke vs long ; and a worse matter ; perhaps wee shall giue them too much time to enquire of our states .

Infae.

I can soone haue him if all other things were readie : you know where you left him at the Ladies , where you both dined . He said he would follow you . I marvaile hee is so long . But I warrant they are vp to the noses in the new booke de flatibus . It is best for me to know if the bonds bee readie before I fetch him , lest he be angrie to leaue the Ladies companie before neede require . Intrat Parvagracio . But looke where he is come alone without carying Sir � you sau'd me a labour . I was sent for you . Can you smell out good bargaines ? you come without calling . When thrift is in the market you are ever in the way ?

Par.

What good bargaine cracke is toward me ?

Infae.

My Master shall haue monie , and you must bee bound with him .

Par.

Is that a good bargaine wagge ? well , I haue such an other a-bruing for your Master to bee bound with mee . but where is he ?

Infae.

Heere , at hand . Now to the scrivener and broker goe I .

Exit . Par.

I am glad to heare of your good furniture toward , and I come to prostrate my seale and service at your worthy feete .

Insati.

Sir , with all complements for such kinde loue , I receiue your readines . And doe reciprocally promise to be euer at your becke .

Intrat Infaelicto . Infae.

Sir , the bonds be readie for the seale . I haue seene the commoditie of ragges , and I like them well . They never dustie you except they be stirr'd . But they are foule and heavy . I wood we had sold them by gold smiths weight for so much in silver . I did see a fellow lift a bundle of them vp to a carre , and he grunted hard ; he made me remember my Ladies booke de flatibus . For I look'd euer when hee would haue let flye .

Insa.

Well le ts goe seale the bonds , and lose no time .

ACT. 7.
SCEN. I. Intrat Levitia cum Pedisequa . her periwigs of dogges hair� white , and a yellow band about her necke , a glasse , and powder of an old post in a boxe or paper . And is very busie in trimming her selfe , and casting dust vpon her head vntill her time come to speake .

Insatiato goes on staring , But what haue wee heere ? I le see this sight for all the haste .

Par.

Why t is a woman . Dost not see what it is ?

Insa.

A woman ? t is not a woman . The head is a dog . t is a maremaide , halfe a dog , halfe a woman .

Par.

No t is but the haire of a dog in fashion , pul'd from these Island dogges .

Insa.

In fashion ? there 's a fashion for a foole . What 's that she casts vpon her head ?

Par.

That 's the powder of a rotten post .

Insa.

A tale of a tub , the powder of a pudding : will you make me beleeue that ?

Par.

Doest thou thinke it so strange ? vpon my credite I know some are spoken to for providing such powder by Ladies . I am in earnest . I assure you t is verie common .

Insa.

I thinke they be common indeed that bee dress'd with dust . ( he goes prying on both sides of her , saying ) not � dog say you ? the head is a dog . The chiefest part is a dog . well , say what you will , you shall never make mee beleeue but it is either a dog , or a dogged woman .

Par.

Be she what she will in conditions , I warrant thee t is a woman in sexe , or never trust my iudgement againe .

Insa.

What 's that about her neck ? a pancake , or a tanzie ?

Par.

T is a band yellow starch'd � how canst thou thinke it to be a tanzie ?

Insa.

Because it lookes so yellow . Marie it is not so wel I wish it were , for then I would eat it vp , for I haue not halfe din'd .

Par.

No . t were pitie to devoure her � me thinks t is a very pretie creature .

Insa.

Dost thou like her so well ? I le goe wooe her : shee has no impediment , but I may marie her , may I not ?

Par.

Not that I knowe , except she be honest .

Insa.

Is that an impediment ? nay , the honester the better . I le to her instantlie . I see no reason but I may fall in loue with her on the suddaine . And happie is that wooing that is not long in doing : but stay , are you sure she is a woman ? I am in some doubt . And I would be verie loath to mary her except she proue a woman .

Par.

I warrant thee shee is a woman . why shouldst thou feare it ?

Ins�.

Haue I not cause to feare it ? for if I should be maried to a beast , or a iade , I were vtterly vndone . is it not good to be sure ?

Par.

Mistrust not that . thou maist knowe by her speech and voice whether she be a woman or no .

Insa.

Cannot her tongue deceaue me ?

Par.

Yes like enough , but not in this case , And if the worst fall you may easily knowe the first night you I le together .

Insa.

I thanke you for nothing when it is too late .

Par.

VVhy too late ? thou maist be rid of her presently , and be parted the next day .

Insa.

I could like that well enough so that I had her portion , but is there such a course to be taken , that they cannot be tied so fast , but they may easilie be vndone ?

Par.

No question but the mariage is void .

Insa.

That 's an excellent tricke . I wish I had a grant vnder the great seale to vnmarrie all those that would faine be parted . I would purchase Lordships , Townes , & Countries .

Par.

If you had , yet must you vse discretion in it , and devide none but such as are indeed no marriages at first , but had impediments not dispensable . Otherwise you might be cause of great sinne , and inconvenience . You must examine the reasons , and proceed iudiciallie , before you sever them rashly .

Insa.

Never tell me , let them looke to that at their own perill . It would take vp too much time if there came to mee but 100 in a daie to examine them all . No . no . if they were willing to be sundred , I would vncouple them : let them range afterward which waie they will for me . Well vpon thy word that I may be divorced from her if she proue not a certaine woman I le vpon her whatsoever she be . And I le catch her vpon a suddaine for feare least it be a dog & bite me .

( he goes stealing towards her with his hands forward . Par.

A waie cocks-combe . I am asham'd on thee : come backe , what dost thou meane ?

Insa.

O that same is a very suspicious head . I am afraid of it .

Par.

Afraid of a dead dogge ? what a cowardly thing is that ?

Insa.

A dead dogge ? marrie perhaps the haire is vpon � curster snapper then the right owner was .

Par.

Be rul'd by me ; I le stand between thee and al dangers . go orderly to her , take her by the right hand as if thou wouldst dance with he . He daunceth toward her and singeth .

Insa.

Hey niny . nony no . Hey niny no . Hey noniny nonino � Hey ninyno . So he daunces toward her .

Par.

What a fellow art thou ? a Courtier ? a Cowdriuer , come hither once againe . Dost thou thinke to speed & goe about It so like a Clowne � Thou must wooe her , as you court your ladies in the pallace .

Insa.

O , must I so ? I thought she had beene a countrie gentlewoman , and that the more plainely I had dealt , the better she would like me . But all is well enough yet , for no body saw me .

Par.

Thou art deceiued in that : for they are as fine and curious as anie Ladie in Court , though they be not proud a whit .

Insa.

Is 't so ? well , then I can fit her , she shall haue courting enough . And I am glad you tell me of it ; for I was in earnest to haue lou'd her beyond measure , & so might haue fallen mad , and marr'd all : but now I le doe euen as wee doe at Court , make many shewes of loue and service , and intend nothing lesse . But yet thus honestlie I le deale with this woman ( because she is a stranger ) that if I loue her , and like her , I le loue her vntill I leaue her . Well , t is time to bee doing , for my loue begins to coole verie fast : I must kindle it againe . ( with a conge he takes her by the left hand , saying ) Faire Lady , it becomes not gentlemen of good breeding to talke of the weather , or time of the day , or vse such idle impertinent speech : therefore , ( all preambles and digressions set aside ) I come to vnderstand if you bee pleased to admit me into the list of your devoted servants .

Lev.

Indeed Sir , it seemes you haue beene well bred , els you had never growen to this stature .

Insa.

( He turnes from her towards Parvagracio , and saith ) Did not I tell you what I should finde of her ? shee snarles alreadie . I le lay my life she will proue currish , her looks make it plaine , come sweet Ladie , what answere to my question ?

Lev.

Nay first I had neede to answere your complaint to your friend , that I am so curst and churlish . What vncivill tearme did I giue , deserving so sharpe a censure ? women know not how to speake . If merily , then our jest is tearmed scoffing , and quipping . I� soberly , then our modestie is counted coynesse , and want of curtesie . So that vnlesse wee say nothing , we commit error . And yet silence is not cleere : for then are we sheepe ( alias ) fooles .

Insa.

How could you heare what I said to him , since I turn'd my mouth from you ?

Lev.

But you turn'd not mine eares from your mouth .

Insa.

Pardon this fault good Ladie . I will be more carefull heereafter .

Lev.

No doubt you will : to haue mee further off when you say the worst .

Insa.

I meane not so . but rather to speake the best of you in all places and companies as your merites ( I know ) will enforce me .

Lev.

Nothing comes from you ( I see then ) but by constraint .

Insa.

O that you would giue over rebuking , no man shall reforme himselfe before me . Forgiue what is past . If I offend againe , deny me all favour .

Enter Pestifero , and whispers Insatiato , to whom he saith ,

Tell them I will come anon .

Exit Pestifero . Lev.

Sir , it is against nature to remit iniuries , therefore your request is vnreasonable . But for his sake that gaue the counsell , I will for giue my greatest enemies : yet you must know it is lawfull to reprehend your misdemeanours .

Insa.

( Turnes from her towards Parvagracio , and saith ) This comforts me much , for she may be a Christian for anie thing I heare yet .

Lev.

You that content your selfe with no habitation but a Princes Palace , and will serue no lesse creature then Caesar : that no sooner passe the Porters lodge , but li�t vp your legges and lips , as if you had commission to controule the countrie , to breathe nurture from your nostrils , and be patrone to poore people : whose gate and gesture giue testimonie to your hearts haughtinesse : and whose countenance must outface all encounterers , how could you bee so grossely ouer-shot , as to cast your selfe vnacquainted , vnfriended vncommended , and vnpresented into the companie of a gentlewoman of fashion ?

Insa.

I cry you mercie . Of what fashion are you that I might not doe as I did without offence ?

Lev.

Why Sir ? are you a courtier ? and aske of what fashion I am ? doe you not see that I am of the newest , and neatest fashion ? who sees my band and perrywig , & doubts of that : I am perswaded you will proue a counterfaite , and no courtier , that are ignorant in so generall a knowledge ?

Insa.

It was not the newest fashion the last yeare , and no Cronicle make � mention of it . Therefore if any man had written . Nihil factum est quod non fuit factum prius . I would haue giuen his Proverbs the lye . For this saffroning was never vs'd but in Ireland for bodily linnen , to dissipate the companie of creepers . And for such torturing of these Izeland Impes , with eradicating their fleeces , therby to enioy the roots , which best will abide the basting , it hath need to be new , for it is noysome , and makes your pretywig nothing handsome .

Lev.

Sir , let it suffise you that it is the newest fashion this verie day . And if the sight and smell of it offend your nose , you know the ordinary remedie is to remoue your nose . Yet I suppose by your palenesse you vse to take Tabaccho , then which , nothing is more fulsome .

Insa.

Indeed , I want colour in my face , and wishe I had the art to get so rosie a cheeke as you haue .

Lev.

You doe but guesse that I vse art to giue grace to my feature , so it is easie for you to be deceiued : but I will tell you a certaine rule to know if anie woman be painted .

Insa.

Let me bee beholding to you for this cunning infallible .

Lev.

If you suspect it , take a pin , and scratch her cheeke pretie deepe to the bone , and if it bleed not , assure your selfe she is painted .

Insa.

I see now you are dispos'd to be pleasant with me . I beare all kindly . Now I intreate you to proceede with publishing my other faults , that when I know them all , I may amend , and so appeare perfect in your sight .

Lev.

Secondly , I charge you with flatterie , at every word calling me Ladie : which you are verie sure I am not , seeing me come hither on my owne feet , whereas if I were a Lady I must of necessitie be at my Caroach with 4 horses , or els my honour is in the dust in sommer , and in the mire in winter . This then is an vnexcusable sinne of yours .

Insa.

Alas . what should I call you not knowing your name ? And you of all the women that euer I knew are angrie for giuing you more then your due . But rather then I will displease you that way , I will devise some other Epitheton of curtesie , vntill you determine to take Ladyship vpon you , so well as it would become you .

Lev.

Nay , I would not haue you thinke that I am exceedingly angrie for mistaking my present condition . It was a fault , but verie veniall . Your other errours I will conceale for this time , as vnwilling to oppresse you with penance , sithence I finde you so freely to offer satisfaction .

Insa.

Then now vouchsafe to receiue me into your service , sithence no man shall carie himselfe more dutifully .

Lev.

If I were fit to receiue one of your sort , how could you serue me and the king too ? can you serue two masters ?

Insa.

No . but one master and a mistresse may both bee serued without breach of fidelitie , and with great facilitie .

Lev.

Verie hardly , respecting the persons inequalitie : but if I should be so minded , what can you doe ?

Insa.

All , that is not done before I come .

Lev.

Can you , and will you doe whatsoever I entreate or command you without grudging ?

Insa.

Yes , with all readines and alacritie , & without exception .

Lev.

Then I request and command you to let me alone , and neuer heereafter speake to me .

Insa.

That 's an vnreasonable request , and iniust commandement . There ought to bee iustice and possibilitie in euerie commandement ; but this hath neither of them .

Lev.

I will proue it hath both , or els I release your word .

Insa.

Proue that , and I le performe your will : for I haue vowed to serue you , and it is iniustice to breake it . And I am in loue , and it is impossible to limite it .

Lev.

I thought so . draffe was your errant � but drinke you would haue . you seeke a seruice , but you meane to be master : this tricke will faile you : for I haue vowed before-hand , and I am bound to keepe it .

Insa.

You can make no vow contrarie to mine , because you neuer knew my intention , nor person before this day .

Lev.

Yes , contrarie enough , as white is to blacke . And to hold you no longer in suspence , my vow and purpose is to be a Nun .

Insa.

A Nun ? There was neuer Nun with such attire , and in such a Cloister .

Lev.

O Sir , I can quicklie cast off this attire , and get a Nuns habite . If the mind be changed , the apparel will soone be altered .

Insa.

Of what order ( if you speake in earnest ) that I may visit your Cloister ? for loue hath gotten such dominion . that I cannot so part with you . And yet to this crosse I know not what to say : for it takes from me all libertie to mooue further .

Lev.

What will it availe you to know my Cloister , and walke without the wall ? for there , all accesse & entercourse is barred .

Insa.

Let my loue yet bee so farre requited , as to know your name and or�er you enter into . It will ease my minde , that none other inioies you . O , this loue is like a quarterne ague , and a suite in Law ! A good day , and a bad : now hope . then despair . To night co��ort , tomorow morning al dash'd .

Lev.

Sir I must craue respite to answere you directlie to these questions : for I must haue my friends advice before I resolue . And so for this time I take leaue .

Exit Lev. Par.

Now , let vs goe seale these bondes in the meane space , and by that time perhaps she will come againe .

Insa.

Bonds ? I am in bonds enough I thinke , bound hand , foote , heart , minde , wit and will . Hee that is in loue needes no other chaine to hold him � he is fast in prison , and lock'd sure enough for escaping . O Parvagracio ! dost thou talke of going ? whither should I goe ? Is it not enough that my loue is gone , and that all is gone with her ? my heart is gone with her , and she is gone away with my heart : whither can I goe without my heart ? And whither she is gone , and whither she hath caried my heart I know not . Sealing . what ta�� talkest thou of sealing ? I haue set my hand , my �ele , my har� and all to the loue of her . She is gone away with this deed of gift . It is deliuered before witnes . It is enroll'd . I haue acknowledged a fine . I haue suffered her to recouer against me ; and deliuered her peaceable possession . The Law is at an end � what els would you haue me seale ? I can giue her no further assurance . her counsaile cannot devise it . why do you trouble me with vnnecessarie requests ?

Par.

O my good friend Insatiato recall thy selfe like a wise man . thou speakest like a man distracted . goe with me , and take a litle rest . It will not be long before shee come to this place againe . We will send your Page to find her .

Insa.

A little rest I warrant you . Goe ? you are still vpon going . Goe whither you will , I will not stirre a foote from hence . What if she come in our absence , and goe away discontented ? then shall I neuer see nor heare her againe . No� heere I lost her , heere I will finde her , or lose my selfe .

Par.

But you will trouble and hinder other actors that haue parts heere to play as well as you .

Insa.

Actors . what actors ? Is this a stage ? Is this a play ? no . t is a game in earnest . t is no iest , t is loue in sadnesse . Let them come that come will : if anie come but my loue , I haue nothing to say to them . Doe you as you thinke good .

Par.

Nay , if you stay , I will not goe . I will not leaue my friend so .

Act. 7. SCEN. 2. Intrat Antonio , Simplo , Purgato with a cloake-bag full vnder his arme , all booted , spur'd , and riding roddes .

Haue you lock'd vp all the doores , and deliuered the foul linnen to be wash'd �

Sim

All is safe , and euerie thing done .

Anto.

Haue you given the Coblers wife the 7 egges we left at breakefast ?

Sim.

She hath them .

Anto.

This is but ill husbandrie to lose 7 egges at a ��ap , and my bellie not verie full .

Sim.

Sir , they are well bestowed , they will doe the poore woman good , and you haue eaten pretie well .

Anto.

I haue not eaten so well as you thinke for . And they are not fit meate for her mouth : some grosser meate would doe her more good .

Sim.

I warrant you Sir , she can eate an egge without surfeiting , as well as the finest Ladie in this Land .

Anto.

Come on , since t is done , let them goe : but ( hee steps forward , and they follow , but presently comes backe , and saith ) I cannot ride my iourney contentedlie vntill I haue these egges . Simplo , fetch them againe . Tell the woman , she shall haue as manie or more another time .

Sim.

turnes to the people , saying . Now must I fetch these egges from the poore woman against my nature . Exit & cito redit with 7 egges . Anto. takes them & exit . Simple goeth on saying , I was neuer ashamed of a master before . There are few times that we ride forth , but a rosted Rabbet , a piece of cheefe , or a drie brest of mutton is truss'd vp in the cloak-bag , especially when wee lye at an Inne the next night ( as now we shall . ) And but for fowling the cloake-bag , and his cloathes , we had carried these egges now .

Pur.

There is no such stuffe now in the cloake-bagge I trow ? If I thought there were , I would throw it to the dogs rather then it should ride behinde me .

Sim.

Is there not ? t is a great chance then ; & I am much deceiu'd if there be none : for there were some scrappes left yesternight , and I finde them not in anie roome in the house .

Pur.

That shal be tried by and by . Be these his trickes ? though I be his horse-keeper , I le carrie no coales nor bones neither I trow . ( hee vndoeth an end of the cloake-bag , and there takes out a napkin full of pieces of bread , a quarter of a brest of mutton , a piece of boyled beefe , a pudding , a bone of a loine of veale : that he vnpinneth , and lifting it vp by one corner , le ts all fall , and presently catcheth at them with his hands vpon the ground , scrambling euerie way as hee would catch at a Rat , saying . ) What 's become of her ? take heed gentlewomen she get not vp . I sweare , I had almost catch'd her . Was there not a Rat there ? Masters , you below , came shee not that way ?

Sim.

laugheth , and saith . How now Purgato . What , art thou at span-counter with Rats ? I perceiue thou wouldest haue fought with any Rat in London rather then she should haue be guil'd thee of thy provender .

Pur.

My provender ? the dogs shall eate it , before any bit shall come in my mouth . How came he by these scraps , and what would he doe with them ?

Sim.

Thou art but a novice Purgato . and hadst as much wit when thou suckedst ( I thinke ) as now . And besides for that thou camest to him but yesterday ( in a manner ) art ignorant of his fashions . I will instruct thee . The night before he rides from London , he will invite some of his acquaintance to supper with him ( at their owne charge more then his ) then the remnant he packeth vp thus . And at the next Inne he lodgeth in ( if it be two dayes thence ) he �ates these �ates vnder the colour of a litle joint there dressed . And by this meanes hee is counted at his Inne a verie small meateman , but everie-where els a tall trencher-man . But thou must vnderstand the chamberlain and tapster are sent down when these dainties are in devouring .

Pur.

But doe you eate anie of this daintie trashe with him ?

Sim.

Or els I must goe hungrie to bed , and ride emptie the next day .

Pur.

As true as I liue , hee shall never bring mee to this geare . And the next time he makes such a messe , I le provide sawce : for I le put a fresh horse-turd in the midst . And my trotting horse will soone season it all alike .

Intrat Ant. Anto.

Come away , I haue eaten foure of these egges , the rest I haue put in branne to preserue against the nex Tearme : but what 's heere ? how came this meate heere ? mee thinkes I should know these pieces .

Pur.

It may be so Sir , but I did neuer see the like .

Anto.

Why so ?

Pur.

As I had the cloake-bag vnder mine arme , I felt a thing stirre within it : and in searching � I found these scraps , and among them an huge Rat . And she went away invisible : for I am sure we could not see which way she ran , nor could I catch her , doe what I could , and yet I scambled at her with both my hands .

Anto.

Why doe you not gather vp the meate , and put it vp againe ?

Pur.

What ? and the Rat had piss'd on it for feare , and it stinkes too bad .

Anto.

How canst thou tell that a Rat had piss'd on it , when you confesse you did see no Rat ?

Pur.

No , not which way shee ran away . But if yonder boy had gap'd wide enough , hee might haue catch'd her in his mouth : and doe you thinke I saw not a Rat ? I am sure there was a Rat , for my minde gaue me so . And further , I had like to catch'd her . All this companie can tell what a course I had at her , if you will not beleeue me .

Anto.

Goe to , goe to . You are a foole . Put them vp and let vs away .

Pur.

I were a foole indeed , and a beast too , if I would put them vp .

Anto.

I bid you put them vp like a foole as you are .

Pur.

I cannot put them vp like a foole , nor I will not .

Anto

Thou shalt put them vp , or serue me no longer .

Pur.

With all my heart master , I le turne you off at this instant . Heere is witnes enough I haue giuen� you lawfull warning .

Exit . Anto.

Gather vp this meate Simplo , thou and I will fare the better . T is but sending this knaues horse downe by the Carrier . Or els I le driue him with his loade , he shal be the sumpter horse .

Simplo gathers them vp , and puts them in the napkin � and pinnes them vp , puts them into the cloak bag . Exeunt Antonio & Simplo.
ACT. 7. SCEN. 2. Parv.

How lik'st thou this sport Insatiato ? hath it diverted thy thoughts a little ?

Insa.

It was some recreation I must needes say : but my fit is comming on apace . Intrat Levitia . And looke where she comes . Now I tremble with feare of a deadly doome ; but I must speake howsoeuer I speede . Welcome sweet Mistresse . Now kill , or keepe me aliue with your answere .

Lev.

Your questions sir ( if I forget not ) were , what was my name , and what order I purpose to enter . My name is Levitia . And my desire is to be a Nunne of my mothers order . But if my virginitie were not of ful age ; and Maiden-head a dangerous burden , I would be a Nun of a straighter order .

Insa.

Your mothers order ? what order is that ? I never heard of a Nun haue a child , no husband , and yet continue in Cloyster , and a Nun before she had a child .

Lev.

My mother vowed chastitie , and after that had a childe by her husband .

Insa.

Why Leuitia ? this is a riddle , and a wonder to me ; yet this English I picke out of it , that you may haue a husband as your mother had . And then if it please you , I may be your ghostlie father after the fashion of this country : but how , or why your mother or you should vow chastitie , I see not , nor would I be married to such a Nun .

Pur.

Alas Insatiato , I perceiue thou art simple in this busines , or els not yet come to thy selfe again . Levitia speakes well , but thy capacitie is verie muddie . Wouldst thou not haue thy wife vow chastitie , but be an harlot ? there is chastity and continencie among married folke , so long as they be faithfull each to other . But virginitie goes further : and that is sequestred continencie during life , not admitting companie for procreation .

Insa.

I vnderstand it now ( thanks to thee Parvagraci� ) but this creature would haue delayd me longer , and dull'd my wits without mercie .

Enter Pestifero , and whispers Insatiato , to whom in anger he answereth , either let them stay , or teare the writings , I cannot yet come . Exit Pestif.

But I thanke her yet for the kinde order shee hath made to be of her mothers order . I hope ( sweet Mistris Levitia ) you will heare no motion to ouerthrow this order againe . And now tell me , what say you to my vow , which in all equitie must be performed . You see I was content ( though much against my minde ) that you should haue kept your vow of virginitie , ( if so had stood your resolution ) now I appeale to your owne court for Iustice , and hope you will giue as good way to the fulfilling of my vow , which is never to leaue your service and companie .

Lev.

I heard you talke at Randon of such a thing . Many such ( I doubt not ) you haue made , and quickly broken ; and this of the same mettle , & so will proue as britle . Courtlers vowes of this nature are but words , a little more stiffly blowne out of their mouthes , then the rest of their speech , but come no neerer their hearts . The gunner puts a little more powder in the gun to make it carrie the shot further , but hits the marke no whit the righter : So they driue their vowes with a little stronger breath , but their intention is not the streighter .

Insa.

Indeed I confesse that I haue sometimes done as you say : but now my heart is right , and my meaning direct .

Lev.

How shall that appeare to me ?

Par.

I dare vandertake ( Ladie Levitia ) he meanes iustly by you : for I haue seene him in a dangerous passion when you left our companie , which if you had heard , standing in some secret place , you could not but haue compassion on him . or els you were verie disdainfull and cruell . Besides I know it is a great matter that would stay him so long as he hath talked with you from dispatching a businesse of great importance , as you may partlie perceiue by the messenger comming so often in the meane time to haue him away .

Lev.

Sir , a seconder of a tale makes manie times an incredible thing beleeued . And for your testimonie , I giue him credit the better , and perhaps I was within sight and hearing too , when this gentleman was so loue-sicke as you speake of , which made me in verie pitie come the sooner in to relieue him . And I would not haue you think Parvagracio that I am disdainefull , for that winneth nothing but hatred : nor am I cruel , for that is euer payed home with extreame miserie . Now yet am I proud ( which vice you touched not ) for that is derided of all wise people , but my feare and doubt was alwayes to be deceiued .

Insa.

Heere is my hand I will neuer deceiue you .

Lev.

Heere is my hand I will never leaue you . But what a foole was I ? I should haue agreed for maintenance and joincture before I had beene handfast .

Insa.

That 's no matter , I le performe as well as if I were bound hand and foote . I will allow you 10l a yeare for pinnes , 5l for shooes , 15l for stockings , garters , bodies , and girdles , 50l for gownes , peticoates and such like : 20l for all sorts of linnen and new fashions , this is 100l a yeere , and is as much as my liuing will afford . And for performance of this anie friend of yours shall haue a statute vpon all the land I haue . And for your joincture , I will giue good assurance , that the longer liuer of vs two shal possesse all I haue , If I die not worth a groate .

Lev.

I like all well but my allowance for pins : it is not enough : for it is a base fashion now-a-daies to vse cufhnets and saue pinnes . The verie warmth of our bodies , will change their colour in three houres , and they wil be crooked with pulling off , fie vpon them : but I le be a good huswife otherwise � and get as much by other meanes as shall piece out this pension to make it serue . Sirra , I haue skill in Phisicke , I can cure the ��� in anie man . And if hee be neuer so leane , and rawbon'd , I can so diet him in halfe a yeare , that he will be fed vntill he grow purse-sicke . And for thee ( sweet heart ) be of good cheere , for thou shalt never die ( without a great chance ) as long as I liue . For I can play a tricke , that if thou be never so cold , or frozen almost to death , I can make thee luke-warme in halfe an houre .

Insa.

( Imbraceth and kisseth her ) Ha may liuelie Levitia , we cannot chuse but thriue if thou hast these trades . But is thy portion in sure hands ?

Lev.

Feare nothing of that , you shall haue mee and my portion at an instant , all together readie bagg'd .

Insa.

Best of all , then it requires no telling Heere is a token for thee my chicken .

Lev.

What ? kniues ? O , I will not take them in anie wise , they will cut loue .

Insa.

No , no : if they cut anie thing , they will cut away vnkindnesse .

Lev.

Pardon mee ( good Sir ) you shall not giue them me . If needes you will that I weare them , do you lose , and I will find them .

Insa.

That 's a toy of all toyes . That were fitter for a stage then a wedding .

Lev,

Indeed you shall not denie me this first request , I pray you lose them .

Insa.

Well , t is no newes to be made a foole by a woman . I le doe it , if it were worse .

Then he walkes about and droppes them downe , and she comes after and takes them vp . saying . Lev.

This is as it should be : now I haue deceaued destinie .

Par.

This is Superstich my shooes , now he hath fooled a fopperie . And you haue found a foolerie .

L�v.

You mocke this Parvagracio . I warrant you doe not thinke it evill lucke if the salt fall toward you .

Par.

But I doe if no bodie overthrowe it .

L�.

What if a Hare crosse your way ? is that nothing neither ?

Par.

That 's �uill lucke indeed if I haue no dogges to course her .

Insa.

Parvagracio . I prethee lead Levitia to my lodging . I must craue pardon to goe about a speciall businesse which concernes all my worth : but we will dispatch quickly and follow . And meet me the next way Parvagracio wee must haue your helpe . I le goe before .

Lev.

In any case looke to the maine chance , for now you haue a clogge . It is the first gift every wife giues her husband .

Exeunt Parv. & Levitia . Insa.

Now boy . wee must about these bonds sealing to put vs in suits for this wedding Wee shall sure thriue now . Two such bargaines gone through in one day . A stranger for a wife � and ragges for our wealth . We cannot want after these matches . I could haue found in my heart to asked her some monie and mist this ragg'd monie . But what if shee haue none ? she saith I shall haue her and all ready bagg'd . Perhaps she meanes that herselfe is readie bagg'd to my hand I cannot tell � there be such tricks in the world . I doubt I am vtterly vndone with this foolish match .

Inf�.

Why sir , if you be let it not trouble you , I hope you shall haue better lucke in greater matters , & yet if she haue a good portion you are happy , if she haue none , yet you may be even with her if it please you although she proue a roaring girle .

Insa.

Canst thou tell which way to be even with her ?

Inf�.

Mary to haue as little as she . And if I were ��� you I would serue her so , teach her to come emptie handed to a man of your spending .

Inf�.

Well : we must make the most of her that I can now � haue her : and take no care for any thing � that � the way to liue long and leaue nothing .

ACT. 7. SCEN. 3. Intrat Simplo.

Gentlemen ( you two I meane M. Securus and Sir Hermito ) my master intreats you both to come to his chamber for a short space , he will go twice so faire for you any other time .

Exeunt Insa. & Infael. S�cu.

Thanke your master , we haue din'd alreadie , and can eat nothing : another time we will see him if wee haue no businesse .

Sim.

O you mistake it Sir neither now , nor any other time for eating : there is no meat : my Master does not vie to quilt his frends stomack� with too much meat . No , hee would speake with you about a note he hath caused to bee drawne he will desire you to pervse it , and do him a favour it is in the nature of a certificate .

Se�u.

Truely he shall haue no hand of mine to any writing nor to anie purpose , nor for my credit sake will I come in his companie . I doe imagine what it is . He knoweth that we heare so much evill of him that he doubts we will speak �s we finde . And therefore he would haue vs giue comme�nations of him to some friend of our� in some small request which he never meanes to sue for . But this our good report he will keepe by him partly to stop our mouthes ( hoping we will not speake contrarie to our testimonie in writing , and partly for his credi� to be shewed vpon every occasion against all that haue cause to speake evill of him . Let him content himselfe we refuse to come neere him .

Her.

Honest friend : I marvell with what conscience ��� serue one that is ��� .

Sim.

Mary Sir with as wide and large a conscience as any man hath , and as throughly tentered . My master & I are no niggards of our conscience . Besides I am bound by my 100l to serue him .

Her.

Thou wert as good lose thy 100l at first , as at last for he will in the end deceaue thee of it .

Sim.

If he doe then I hope hee will teach mee cunning worth 100l to deceaue others . & so I may double my 100l . For I doe not thinke but hee hath gotten manie 100l with art . And I le never leaue him tell I get all his tricks and now he hath made me free he will vse me as his fellow .

Her.

By that meanes thou wilt accompanie him to �ell .

Sim.

Downe the lane to the Divell . Nay an wee goe to no worse place then Hell I care not : for I doe not think but my master hath craft enough for any Divell on um all .

Her.

But there he shall meet with his crafts master .

Sim.

What ? master my master in craft ? that were somewhat strange , yet I le beleeue any thing but that . Wel I shall tell him you will not come . And what 's the reason you will not come ? I haue almost forgotten .

Her.

Mary because at our baptisme wee vowed to renounce the infernall Spirit . And now upon our owne experience and iudgement we abandon all incarnate Divells .

Sim

Abandon ? what 's that ? if I can obserue that word right � I shall carry the rest well . I knowe what you meane by a carnation divell .

Exit . Her.

What doe you iudge of these passages M. Securus ?

�ecu.

Surely Sir � it is hard vpon the suddaine to deliuer a true sentence vpon so many contrarieties as this day wee haue heard . But breefly I thinke they ought all to be duced vnto two maine heads of Good and Bad . and of the worst to chuse the least : and of the better take the most .

Her.

In part I dissent from you but in part I agree . If we be constrained to chuse among things which are ��� best to permit the least : but if a man haue freedome then the best choice is to refuse evill be it never so little . Among the severall discourses this day acted . I note many vices vailed over with froth , and florish of words , but the same againe vnmasked with substantiall matter , and laid naked to disgrace . So it seemeth they are not propounded to imitate , but ��� forth to be shamed . They are painted in colours but in a map of ��� some ��� , but such as runne to ruine . They are brought forth to be rewed ; but to manifest their vglinesse . They come not here to be liked , but lothed ; not to be fauored , but derided . Not allowed in private , but in publike to be condemned . So I hope that all wise hearers will avoid the sinnes and abuses here touched ( which are many ) and follow good counsell if they heard any . Which that they may doe my part is to pray to the giuer of wisdome . And so Sir , wishing much prosperitie to your charitable endeavours , I take leaue � and the next way to my poore quiet Cell .

Exit & Securus sequitur . Intrat Proberio . ��� ��� ��� ��� Exit
EPILOGVS .

NOw that your patience hath permitted vs to bring vnto an end this present Dialogue , wee stand in good hope of your clemencie , that no more offence will bee taken at any word ��� passed then we had meaning to giue , which wee protest ��� at all . For it were against reason and our owne ends to driue hence that companie , which we wish rather �oubled , then out of it one to be spared . It resteth that we render you very humble and hartie thanks . And that all ��r hearts pray for the I le and his families enduring happinesse , ���

FINIS .
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Pes�ifero Pestifero . la�dable Assembly : It hath beene a very auncient and laudable custome , in the best gouerned common-wealthes b� respects hath begotten this Dialogue , ready to be acted , principally and specially pointing �ourteous so in the name of all the rest I entreate courteous audience , and pardon of all faults . �udience name of all the rest I entreate courteous audience , and pardon of all faults . w� of state wheresoeuer we come . Neither doe we tye our selues to any one dominion more �euen Northwest , and hath beene beyond seas some seuen or twelue yeeres . chart� , and annexed to the great thing in magna charte , or magno folio , entituled , an Admonition entiuled thing in magna charte , or magno folio , entituled , an Admonition to householders . pri�ilegio deale with a friend for their allowance sub priuilegio . deucutly Carolstadius : in which Sermon hee prooues most deuoutly , that it is Idolatry to fight against the cheesefrye cheere at his chamber � I would make the cheese frye vntill the butter were spent . ne�er any man that he deales withall , that they neuer agree or loue after , and yet euery Saterday Antonto teach thee these incomparable tricks of Don Antonio , laboured for so toughly in climing the aspect� bushes ; wheras thou oughtst to eleuate thy aspect to thy vttermost kenning , as those doe B�zzard secret patterne of these proiects . Euery Buzzard will prye if a mowle or a mouse shall happen i��a�en repeate it againe for losing of time . He is eauen with all the world euery Saterday Aquauit� O my heart : not yet . A penieworth of Aquauita , if I shall liue . a�d He loues no body then , and no body loues him . And thus thou seest rea�on so hard , and straine my wits to reach the reason of this riddle . I am sure I did ouershoot rehears� Ha . Ha . Hae. An thou be a good fellow rehearse three or foure of these cases thou hadst thre� . Hae. An thou be a good fellow rehearse three or foure of these cases thou hadst like countteyhouse Thirdly . When he meanes to ride to his countreyhouse , he goes three daies before to some groomes leatne some groomes at court . And if from them he learne any newes ( if it be but of a posy given refolue to tosse , and tumble ; to revolue , and resolue ; to put forwarde with Pro , and pull backe �vest learne wit out of them ? never while thou livest : not honestly neither . They will rather m��t Before thou begin to professe this art , thou must forget all rules and instructions of manners a�d world to this day : that so being an empty and voide vessell thou maist be the more apt tho� matchevillaines schoole . Otherwise ; if thou shouldst reserue but so much as a secret Il� a weeke to serue thee all thy life time . Ile bring thee acquainted , and then ile turne furni�h and then ile turne him loose to teach and furnish thee with destructions enough for a whole y�ule trust you because you are my frend . I hope youle put me to none , but such as shall teach getti�g agreed . And I wish you not to stand vpon his getting by you , least you be penny-wise , and pound hau� How learn'd you his cunning so perfectly ? haue you knowne him long . ��� convers'd with him in his best times ; somewhat it cost me you must thinke , but that's past th�n that he has , and caried from thence more than all the townes in Italy could spare . Proberi� Mounsieur Proberio , I have heard all the conference between Pr�beri� I heare egregiously to be wrong'd by you Proberio . vinversall O vniversall Noverindo in what particulers ? a�y not matter . but canst thou disproue me in any thing I said ? or dost thou knowe any good fa�hion little : for if you praise � frend on this fashion I prethee speake the worst thou canst by ��ou on this fashion I prethee speake the worst thou canst by me . be� Sir , it may bee Ile pleasure you so much : but to the matter mat�er bee Ile pleasure you so much : but to the matter � canst thou disproue me in any thing I faid matter � canst thou disproue me in any thing I said ? �hat , & that I will . I can disproue thee in that thou saidst hee never deales � with any �aidst I will . I can disproue thee in that thou saidst hee never deales � with any man but hee deale� disproue thee in that thou saidst hee never deales � with any man but hee cavills , and wrangles i�stifie demonstrat thy falshood , I say , and will iustifie that he is as good a 10 ith 100 man either bra�ely enough over thee , and returnes the lie most brauely into thy gullet . I can proue Nody Noverindo decemper Noverindo , that in thy owne trade and his of decem per cent . when he lost 100 l which the re�ouer'd He recouer'd not ; nor got any thing from the scriuener Simpl� Segnieur Simple , Helpe me a little . Canst thou say no ago� much , sauing that I haue heard many yeares agoe that he was a reasonable honest man but ��rcy you within the lash of the law , ther's no mercy : and tis no matter , teach you to speake abs�nce Well , mocke on , twas in his absence , thats all one : Ile tell him if youle I�das caterpillers are al for what will you giue me like Iudas � Bonu� Bonus dies � Segnieur Antonio , Magnifico ; the Segni�ur Bonus dies � Segnieur Antonio , Magnifico ; the worthiest gentleman Magnifi�� Bonus dies � Segnieur Antonio , Magnifico ; the worthiest gentleman that ever consorted attnrnato teneri & firmiter obligari�ibi aut t�o certo atturnato , &c. And further obligamus nos , & quemlibet exec��ores obligamus nos , & quemlibet nostrum , heredes , & executores nostros &c. The condition is to bee ever �ay thousand pound and intreats my band ; Ile say he shall haue it by my meanes . Thou shalt �halt say he shall haue it by my meanes . Thou shalt haue forty shillings in the hundred for �peak� this is agreed : and if you will haue 3000 speake but the word , and giue three daies warning handof you for that word � and leo here with this hand of mine I reach you the hearts of all our vnwillidg feare , or blushing . That which I was so vnwilling to vtter was no more but this : it is very �avill never deale , or contract with any but you cavill , wrangle , paulter , wrench , shift , chapp wrangle� deale , or contract with any but you cavill , wrangle , paulter , wrench , shift , chapp , change �efuse wrench , shift , chapp , change , deny , refuse , goe backe from your word , breake off offowle your word , breake off , and play all manner of fowle play ; wherevpon all men speak evill seeft Why , there's it then . Now thou seest where wit lodgeth , with me , or with them the� . But I thinke I haue taken downe some of them about the word Religion of the oldest stampe reveng� neede to trouble your selfe with studying to revenge it . vn�ure subject to so many mistaking , censures , and vntrue reports , that it passeth the skill of any ca�y , that it passeth the skill of any man to carry himselfe vprightly , & without blame , I fro� course of dwelling with my selfe sequestred from all resort , should haue an end so long whe�her Sir , I am right to haue intercepted you ( whether you be travailing to or fro the Court ) s�albe skill . All that I haue both those wayes , shalbe conferred vpon you equally with my selfe you� poore selfe . I stay willingly and am at your service in all things . �earmes seruant of mine Sir , but my friend vpon equall tearmes . stmacke focation , and there doe such devotion as his stomacke stands to . �oo man , if we two hold together , we shalbe too hard for twentie fooles . s��y , and neuer serue God . For you would not stay there neither if you had your will , but �here neuer serue God . For you would not stay there neither if you had your will , but the Sondayes �aile You hit the naile on the head neighbour Rustico . Weele put An�yle rip rapping , that you misse the nayle and Anvyle also . For my part although I doe boldly rrench Fasting-dayes like weedes , and bury them all in a trench , you are both both fowly deceiued . For Recus��t vp you go not to Church , vp you goe for a Recusant an you were my father . �hud Why for all that shud we be troubled with so many holydaies ? ne�er tauke on vpon the holydaies , or else it cood neuer be . �e They suffered no kind of lighter workes to be done in those daies , much lesse such painefull pain�full be done in those daies , much lesse such painefull labours as they were . Saiuts Why were the Saints daies kept holy at all ? Tell me some reason grea� They did in those daies giue great honour to such as suffered death for Christian fi�shermen although the men were as poore as Christs fishermen . And therefore the daies of their martyrdome Dunce� reasons against our next encounter with these Dunces , and then wee will end this controversie Antonis time , weele to him sodainely . Segnieur Antonio . All haile to your person . Here is a man ��� wax , very pliant , emptie of all thing � but a little mony and a tenement or two of land docible� such as you knowe are necessarie ? and is he docible � di�igent Sir I hope you shall finde me diligent , and according to your heart . has� no more could be spared . I warrant thou turne seene the last of thy writings . They will Hortauo Enter Hortano and Acuto . ��ch ) at our last parle here that there were such valiant people in times past that willingly chee�efully valiant people in times past that willingly and cheerefully went to their death when they might haue in�oyed went to their death when they might haue inioyed life longer . �uch owne time and memory there haue beene many such men . p�otest I protest it is a wonderfull courage these people p��petuall I thinke them worthie of great honour and perpetuall memorie . But who are they ( say you ) that no� Law , did not I tell you so ? Nay you never had an apter �is faut : that wood ha me say it so fast : & tis a very scurvie word to hit , except a man s�urvie wood ha me say it so fast : & tis a very scurvie word to hit , except a man haue a mouth �ou Hortano : you haue beene a great while prating with that m� make no reckning of my neighbour Rustico and me � Belike you thinke to ingrosse the honour h�rne . I can proue thee an Asse , or any such horne beast with a trice I learnt it at Sturbridge an� Logicke that he which was the last yeare and yet liues , is not . an� yea and the last weeke ) an honest man , and yet liues , is not now an honest man . �rgomen canst never wash out the strength of this argomen � I make it iust as they did theirs at Cambridge Cambridg� argomen � I make it iust as they did theirs at Cambridge about my nag . I remember the words , and abou� make it iust as they did theirs at Cambridge about my nag . I remember the words , and shall R�cumbentibus argumen . And then fetcht him about with a Recumbentibus , and prou'd that the horse stones which Rus�ico man then he . Why , I tell you my neighbour Rustico and I , thinke our selues as good men as A�uto and I , thinke our selues as good men as Acuto and you , and we are two to two . Weele �its , I take not vpon me to set downe : there sits a Religious man , he is more like to quenche v� word , & hold vp your finger , weele maule vs to the ground at a blow . dive�se kept holy in memory of Saints which suffered diverse torments for Christs sake , who suffered enco�rage their facts and fame might neuer die , but encourage others to treade their bloudie but Heauenly alte�ation let no mans private rashnes presume such alteration , as to make away or put out the Holy-dayes �est sermon every day would make me keepe all the rest of the weeke holy . Gow neighbour Rustico asid� make obeysance to the Hermit , and turne aside . ver�e aliue againe . This is a graue man , and his verie countenance speakes truth . Tauke no more o�t countenance speakes truth . Tauke no more o't , I am quite dissolv'd they shall stand tal�nt other . And cannot I then giue vm part of my talent as well as the Coblers are wont to doe , Ho�t Execunt Vul. Acut . Rust. Hort . Simpl� Goe Simplo to Mistris Sylvester in Sheerelane , desire �o Mistris Sylvester in Sheerelane , desire her to lend me a paire of sheetes , a pillowbeere p��lowbeere desire her to lend me a paire of sheetes , a pillowbeere , halfe a dozen of napkins , and a towell �apkins sheetes , a pillowbeere , halfe a dozen of napkins , and a towell . Porber�� but now I remember me Proberio told me you haue linnen enough of your owne out me thus . Doe as you are bidden . Will not our owne la�t the longer if wee weare of other lo�t vnderstand the conceit now . Ile tell her you lost your key . gre�test good time . I was beholding to you in my greatest necessitie : And I purpose to requite all serivener received a hundreth pound by my direction from a scrivener in this towne , and ran away with it into Al�-house stale , remember soone to carrie them to the Ale-house , but measure them well in your hand with di�hes a Cooke licks his owne fingers before he dishes the meate for others . Doe they not know a�ide neighbour Frith . Let me speake with you aside . Take heed what you doe . His title is �aid lies �it for me . But let him not know I said so . �et you about your land , and I was content to let you run on your course . But doe you forget ��� your land , and I was content to let you run on your course . But doe you forget that it w��tings it ) haue you not forfeited your land and writings by your euill behaviour , offering to sell �o your euill behaviour , offering to sell it to a stranger and not to me ? strange� euill behaviour , offering to sell it to a stranger and not to me ? hi� That's a plaine case Sir . Ile not ��� with his land , nor any of my neighbours shall , ��� nor any of my neighbours shall , for I will tell them all � Nay , I may say to you Sir , all� my neighbours shall , for I will tell them all� � Nay , I may say to you Sir , I am told �ell land � no man will be your Tenant ? and to sell it , who will dea�� with you ? Did you not 150� Indeed Sir he should haue pay'd me 150l . And if you helpe me not I am vndone . 150� It had beene worth 150l . if it had not beene thus disgrac'd , but 100� now 'tis worth litle . Well , if I giue you 100l . for it , what will you say ? 100� If you will giue me 100l . for it , I shall thinke my selfe much 100� I will giue thee 100l . And no raine will shrinke the mony : the h�� spoile this poore man both of money and land , his minde is altogether vpon deceit and ruine dece�� money and land , his minde is altogether vpon deceit and ruine of others . Tis pitie any honest Tispitie altogether vpon deceit and ruine of others . Tis pitie any honest bodie should haue to do �onest deceit and ruine of others . Tis pitie any honest bodie should haue to do with him that studieth ���dieth honest bodie should haue to do with him that studieth nothing but mischiefe . pa��ridges the questing of Spaniels , the spring of partridges , the gingling of Haukes bels , and thundring confe��ed now I am become your adversary . For it is confessed of all sorts , that the musicke in hunting mu�icke For it is confessed of all sorts , that the musicke in hunting , both for continuance of the con�inuance , that the musicke in hunting , both for continuance of the sport . for a delightfull exercise Foxkills : wherevpon is growne that proverbe . The Fox kills the lambs � and the hounds the old sheep �he hauking . Everie Clowne can keepe a dog , and the more carion he eateth the more egregiouslie egregiou��� , and the more carion he eateth the more egregiouslie he smelleth : but the hauke adorneth a kings ador�eth egregiouslie he smelleth : but the hauke adorneth a kings fist , besides the admirable conquest ��� smelleth : but the hauke adorneth a kings fist , besides the admirable conquest the faulkner ha�kes admirable conquest the faulkner maketh in a haukes nature , bringing the wild Haggard hauing natu�e conquest the faulkner maketh in a haukes nature , bringing the wild Haggard hauing all the ��� earth & seas to scowre over vncontrollable , to attend and obeie her keeper so , that at prejudieiall and stoupes to his gloue . Hounds are so prejudiciall to the common-wealth , that I dare vndertake Hu�ter good sport to heare the Falconer and the Hunter fall out , as for theeues to appeache one �o must needes call them that loue drinke ) is to bee refelled rather with a Cudgill , then �mnes Exeunt omnes . wh�re conferred with my Agent for discommodities , nor where to dine scot-free in the meane time . Infael��� Enter Infaelicto . �itting attendance in Court , hearing of Plaies , sitting at Cards , and the like . Further , that Rob�rt a friend of hers that went ouer with Sir Robert Sherley into Persia , entitled de flatibus in�o hers that went ouer with Sir Robert Sherley into Persia , entitled de flatibus separandis a�e�e face as gamers vse to doe in warres , but arere , as Iacke-an-apes deliuers squibs , written Inf�licto ( Infaelicto is going . ) 200� accompts exactly , and your share is to pay 200l , and no more . I haue often visited them visi�ed to pay 200l , and no more . I haue often visited them � and put them to such a plunge as 400� neuer saw : for they say you ought to pay 400l . and yet they cannot avoide but they must 800� yet they cannot avoide but they must pay 800l . They haue lost their notes , their seruants fair�st egges vntill market day , look you chuse the fairest . 100� This is like his 100l . offer which his messenger ranne away withall ha�� If you haue bargained alreadie , it is too late for i� If you haue bargained alreadie , it is too late for me to deliuer my opinion . 3000� nothing done but the land assured to me , and 3000l . of mony payd . If I finde It not fit for Exi� Exit . t�e Goe to the Lawyer , and aske if the writings be ready for your land , that you 100� for your land , that you may receiue your 100l . 100�1 good man ( as they call him ) if he haue 100l . or tow at vse , and without that he is ri�e much as moanes vs . Then are we forced to rise for stark hunger . Thus tyed to our dinner exusflations particle of time passeth , but whole streames of exsuflations , and insufflations ascend to the braines vrinal�st not with a little reading proue a perfect vrinalist . oppress�on covetousnesse , flattery , lying , cosenage , oppression , and vnthriftines , as we are from drunkennesse c�untire vnspeakable pleasures in Heauen , ( our owne countrie ) but the excesse and abuse of any pastime fi�h plummet I sound withall . This must bring the fish into my net Proberio . But what haue you sui�e their babling they will not easily beginne suite with me to recover it away . perhpas each other by scolding ; now we are gone perhaps they will giue over . Mee thought it was noy some will giue over . Mee thought it was very noysome to heare such vnseemely words passe from bou�ds Sure their bitternesse pass'd the bounds of humanitie . They make me afraid of marying rib� you chance to mary euen one of the short ribs of the great Divell . ar� That can I , and that must you , or els you are not wise ; for if you may haue peace vpon �buse conditions , is it not your fault if you abuse to be jarring ? lo�mgly preaches , and I beleue ; thus we liue as louingly as Master and Scholler . ��� that loues his ease . And if all wiues be as mine is , she shalbe thrice happy to obey Hortan� O neighbour Hortano , that thou didst but taste of the fruites come� yet is deafe to all other noise ) and she comes to me fiercely in the heate of her charitie s� it would trouble me much , he discovereth so much furie in his fashions , and such might he� bee a woman of that command as you describe her to be , and as she makes shew of no lesse mu�e giue place ? I pray you husband giue over to muse on these hidden secrets , for otherwise ma� hidden secrets , for otherwise these thoughts may make you horne-mad . �orne-mad for otherwise these thoughts may make you horne-mad . Inde�d Indeed wife I cannot but thinke this reason good pati�nce preordination . Where is now your obedience and patience so often inculked vnto you ? I perceiue subie�� chastise this rebellious flesh , and make it subiect to the spirit . f��nty possible for me to extract teares from his flinty hart with this rod of discipline , correcting enab�eth his wife hath that inward testimonie which enableth and emboldeneth her to doe her function Rock�� which bringeth so plentifull teares from this Rockie stomacke of his . womnn Iump . And so woman instruct women , and none of them shall stedfastlic All this I stedfastlie beleeue . And I am afraide my owne weakenes �wprd� All this I stedfastlie beleeue . And I am afraide my owne weakenes wilbe saith thanke you as much as though you did . Your faith shall saue you without swearing . h�des ) The Lord make me thankfull . ( Then he hides his face with his hands againe , and so �ntill so standeth a while sighing and sobbing , untill Hortano shake him by the arme , saying ) �le are as present death as Gods tokens . No : Ile none of that . �erer it is superstition to thinke death to be nerer you for that cause . gen�le to you neighbour , and thank you for your gentle perswasion . I will presently doe it while �t ; I will not bequeath it to God , but let it goe even as it is predestinated . de��re 3 At my buriall I desire my wife to preach , and no body to heare �acke and no body to heare her but my sweet boy Iacke and I . �ies ( then lifting his eies vpward ) multipli� vpon his fingers ends ; & that his seed may multiplie like mice in a maltheape . 2000�1 bee a good tenure ) a frend of mine wants 2000l and I must haue it for him within these heegoes ( hee goes forward a little , and suddenly steps backe check� our sort , that some order may bee taken to checke the sawcinesse of divers meane persons that 100� heads , aske the question thus : haue you 100l to lend vpon good securitie : what a malepertnes bu� well Noverindo : I wish it to be redressed : but what would the companie haue me to doe ? �hence speake with the master of the office , and thence take directions how to proceed , and so m�hie enough I warrant you out of them that take vp monie , and this will free them from other brocage �are Noverindo whispers Antonio in the eare while Proberio speakes thus to the people speak�s whispers Antonio in the eare while Proberio speakes thus to the people . for�horse devise them a crest as fit as a fan for a forehorse . Anteni� Exit Antonio . do� terrible to the beholders : weele make them doe ( that same ) in their breeches . monic ventrous : nay desperate : nay foolchardy . O , monie is monie , and they must haue it . La�yer Enter Malingua the Lawyer . Mureto the Merchant , and Granato the grownevp lovinglie . There are so manie hinderances growne vp of late that it is impossible our raigne co�gees forehead , but is cheerefullie receaued ? What congees , and submissiue requests to peruse their feafts to the barre ? What venison sent to your feasts ? What respect and entertainement if you vouchsase ? What respect and entertainement if you vouchsafe to visite their countrie houses ? And finally faul� the hennes fall out for their pearch : what fault finde you with this world that was never P��ish Woe be to that Parish that shall haue a Lawyer to their Pastour co�ne complaints are made against you for hoording vp corne against a deare yeare , for selling to badgers beneh presently to go to the hall to move in the Kings bench vpon an erectione firme . e�ectione the hall to move in the Kings bench vpon an erectione firme . swea�e held your peace as buckl'd with a Lawyer . I sweare he hath in few words touch'd you to the �rong touch'd you to the quicke , and done you no wrong neither in mine opinion : but wee will adiourne �ue talkes of gratitude . It is for such as you to sue for mercie , not to talke of gratitude , m�e when you were a begger , and a borrower from mee , and had neede of the poorest helpe ; but Do�t Dost thou feare turning off ? it comes with a 100� while , where is your witnesse that I haue 100l . of yours ? And if I had , thou wert content 100� thee . There was a knaue ranne away with 100l . of mine , Ile change with thee ; seeke t�rnes ( turnes to the people . ) Gosse�auk� to saue my suretie I offred a fine mewed Gossehauke , which before good witnesse you did accept �ea�me and caused me to keepe a whole Michaelmasse tearme in London : but at the end of that verie teat�me in London : but at the end of that verie tearme vnknowne to mee , you sneak'd out of towne 50� might doe him good . Besides , I lent him 50l . gratis in those times , my selfe paying vn�o , if you be content to yeeld the victorie vnto Master Malingua this Lawyer , and confesse penan�� will trye if you had not done better to take penance for your faults at our hands . pr� which purse is set this inscription : 30. p. pro 100. And behinde him the picture of the �ecke sleeues , putting on a halter about the Vsurers necke , and shewing it to the people , sayth , ne�er spend his heart-blood with struggling , yet neuer reach the depth with his petitoes . Blazonrse Noverindo . All is readie at our office , but the Blazonrie of our coate of Armes to be set vp , and care�at that this time be well spent , he takes no care at all . Well Sir , you shall not complaine 20�� your leisure , while I might haue gotten 20l. by other imployments . 100� Euen as I know that you will pay me 100l . when I and my sureties haue seal'd the haue-seal'd will pay me 100l . when I and my sureties haue seal'd the bond to your vse before I receiue alacri tie thanke you Sir . And if you knew with what alacritie , and willingnesse I went about it , you 4� shillings which he abated for 80 caudles at 4d the caudle . no� asse art thou ? I sent thee for my rent , not to paie for caudles . shal�be with poore folkes ? bid her come in , she shalbe neuer the richer for me . 10� had no money to spare , but bestowed on me 10l which you owe him by this your bill . I ��� giues him the bill , and after well viewing , he teares off the seale , and saith � I owe �is discharg'd it thinkst thou ? I warrant thee tis sure enough for euer charging me agai�e hatch'd� O heauens ! was there euer such a monster hatch'd what age but this could haue fostered so ��� Enter Furioso the souldier , with his company Gorraso the �orraso Enter Furioso the souldier , with his company Gorraso the Intelligencer , and Phantastico the �ufler stirres and broiles . The verie children muster in the streetes . We haue liu'd a great meta�orphised streetes . We haue liu'd a great while like metamorphised men . It is such a sight for souldiers to stif�y You need not bend your selfe so stifly against anie sorts of people , be they never �e so stifly against anie sorts of people , be they never so wicked , being your selfe your self� people , be they never so wicked , being your selfe one of the basest and most vnnecessarie enemi� apprehend you . Ile laie my life you are an enemie to the state . murmurin� if anie perhaps second thee in thy fained murmuring him thou pursuest , and becomest first his accuse� becomest first his animater , and then his accuser . such a one was D. Pary vntill the snare �ffaires you send your owne surmises when waightier affaires either happen not , or escape you . And ay�e breake thy bones with his blow , when such ayre beaters will scarce peirce the skinne . �carce with his blow , when such ayre beaters will scarce peirce the skinne . I will my selfe bee �ecke Now with you Sir necke . nipper , or M. Corraso ( if so you be ��pper Now with you Sir necke . nipper , or M. Corraso ( if so you be stiled ) do�t What now foolish fidler , dost thou thinke freely to carie awaie these t�armes carie awaie these exorbitant and opprobrious tearmes ? Ile haue thee banisht all howses of my di�tie and were fingring her frets vnfit for your dirtie . Its best for you to be quiet , least I no� Sir Hermito � If you bee not . I am wearie with hearing such varietie be� varietie of vice . The souldier that was wont to bee the honour of everie countrie he came in L�valto daunces of order and comelines , not the loftie Levalto and tricks of intemperance . �ntemperance comelines , not the loftie Levalto and tricks of intemperance . ��amping Antonio . and Simplo at severall dores , stamping , chasing and throwing downe his hat . 10� Richardson . She saies you did teare lier bill of 10l . she scoulds , she tailes ; she threatens �hee the cause vpon your gate : and everie thing shee will doe vntill she be agreed withall . m�� you had not beene heere shee had neuer left mee , but she cannot abide to see you . Sta�-cha��er ; but there's a thing in it . I feare the Star-chamber because shee hath witnes ( or els I would wi�nes feare the Star-chamber because shee hath witnes ( or els I would not care neither ) I must E��er Enter Susanna , makes curtsie . ��� Enter Susanna , makes curtsie . haue� Tis not worth two pence . What would you haue� � I owe you nothing . 10� The note was worth 10l till you fingred it , now tis not worth fl�gred The note was worth 10l till you fingred it , now tis not worth a halfe-penie indeed poor� me nothing , I will tell the King . I am a poore widow , he will help me . �hee neuer trouble him with this toy . Ile giue thee somewhat in charitie , but not a penie of 10� would I faine see from you . Pay first the 10l which is due , and then bestow your charitie we�'l Nay , then I care not , wee'l doe well enough with conscience Simple . jade�� giue his mind to it : for the good will of a jade is all . What a foole was I that began no mor� But I haue more newes to tell you Sir . As I came by the ��rie Chancerie office I was call'd in to see a verie foule bill , put in against you at M. Thompsons �t see a verie foule bill , put in against you at M. Thompsons suit , for things which you Thompso�s verie foule bill , put in against you at M. Thompsons suit , for things which you did take ( not a�e parell hee challengeth from you : and there are also your fourescore and ten cawdles in shal� perpetuam rei memoriam , if it bee true , it shall goe hard but everie morning in tearme times ever�e , if it bee true , it shall goe hard but everie morning in tearme times as long as I liue �othing a maxime with mee Simplo to be asham'd of nothing ( as thou knowest ) but yet Ile be even sa�e Not a rush Simplo , saue and thinke what they will , I am sorie � 100� that was told me latelie , that you borrowed 100l of a gentlewoman called Mistris Ferrers Mis�ris you borrowed 100l of a gentlewoman called Mistris Ferrers Gratis , and put it out for 10 in Fer�ers borrowed 100l of a gentlewoman called Mistris Ferrers Gratis , and put it out for 10 in the 100. ado� And after a yeare and a halfe with much adoe paid her : and so you got 15� handsomelie m�� fine way indeed , and cleanelie ( so that a m� looke to his securitie ) And comes in without ��� of his owne , It is but making the first bushels owner �ay so much the longer . le�ter . One was this that you picked the first letter out of a truncke ful of linnen , ( the letter youle� surname seruing your name as well as the owners you let stand ) and put on A. insteed of R. oth�r other was that you marked pillowes , and other stuffe of a noble mans with your own marke o� that you marked pillowes , and other stuffe of a noble mans with your own marke , and �sed ��ucke had much of their stuffe againe , but some stucke in your fingers . And reason too I thinke finger� their stuffe againe , but some stucke in your fingers . And reason too I thinke : shall a man pa�nes And reason too I thinke : shall a man take paines to marke another mans goods for nothing �gaine ? they may bee glad to haue their things againe . who can tell but they be mine ? I am sure na�� can tell but they be mine ? I am sure they naile my marke . And how shall a man know his sa�e All these are well answered . What saye you Sir to the taking of a conveiance out �aid Tush . I said it there againe when I saw they kept such tha� What an vnkindnesse was that , that your father in law did threaten to sue you awood he be willing ? twood make a man doe that a wood not , when they goe to extremities Inf�licto Enter Insatiato and Infaelicto . s�ill had verie short commons . and I am hungrie still : we had no meat but your revertion , and eat� mutton betweene three , and Paruagracio and I eate no meat nor bread since yesternight at 10 In�rat Intrat Pestifero . Pestifer� Yonder comes Pestifero my brother . He could never haue come in paw�e : for I haue neither monie nor clothes to pawne : but boy not a word of our wants : weele deer� himselfe , else we shall haue him verie coye and deere . raini� please you then to make provision against a rainie daie , and take this while it may be had �eckon Way Sir , if you bee so provident that you reckon of weekes . it is time for me to be gone we�kes if you bee so provident that you reckon of weekes . it is time for me to be gone : I haue ftaie Nay staie : I am not covetous . I hate it with my th�e . I hate it with my heart : if it may doe thee a kindnesse I can be content to accept thy d��ghills old ragges , such as are fou�d in street donghills with raking day and night as I told you o� thou comest to yeeres , to take this course of thriuing . thri�ing comest to yeeres , to take this course of thriuing . admirabli��� Indeed Sir you carried this businesse admirablie to the end . I would rather then 40l for th�eescore . Now wee want nothing for getting this � threescore pound but Par�agracio to seale . Goe �eeke vouth caterpillers swarme abroad in this age to destroy youth , that scarse one fruite among 100 comes E�ops that will shortlie end the abuse . For this Esops dog will learne to hold the next piece better ga�ne then to be deluded with a shadow of double gaine . bostler Simplo � Purgato all booted . Stercorato the hostler . Camerado chamberlaine . suppe� What wilt please your worship to haue to supper ? Intr�� Intras Camerado . s�ue meate for me� and my two men . This way yet I saue somewhat : for these hungrie knaues out �pend these hungrie knaues out of their owne purses spend three shillings two pence : for I will allow p��ce two pence : for I will allow but pence a piece . I hope they will not compare with mee Rem�af of fowle weather , when I come to Master Remraf his house , my continuall host and friend Phys�cke dispatching all meates it toucheth . And it is Physicke sometimes to keepe a stomacke so fierie p��ke some Farmers house to morrow , and �ate a pecke in his stable � and for sheetes Ile lay g�lasshes beene asleep till I heard you call for your golasshes : for I was so hungrie , that if I had not ��� was so hungrie , that if I had not slept I had committed Burglary somewhere to get victuals say��g �ee steps forwards , and turnes againe � saying ) sh�llings pray you Sir remember to giue mee my two shillings you promised mee for bringing newes of your tarrie� Yes , and before it be come . why dost thou tarrie the Scrivener will thinke vs long ; and v��ong dost thou tarrie the Scrivener will thinke vs long ; and a worse matter ; perhaps wee �n you come without calling . When thrift is in the market you are ever in the way ? s�rivener Heere , at hand . Now to the scrivener and broker goe I . you� come to prostrate my seale and service at your worthy feete . wh�te Pedisequa . her periwigs of dogges hair� white , and a yellow band about her necke , a trimmin� in a boxe or paper . And is very busie in trimming her selfe , and casting dust vpon her head Ins�tiat� Insatiato goes on staring , But what haue wee heere saring Insatiato goes on staring , But what haue wee heere ? Ile see this earne�t providing such powder by Ladies . I am in earnest . I assure you tis verie common . I�e you may easily knowe the first night you Ile together . inconvenien�� Otherwise you might be cause of great sinne , and inconvenience . You must examine the reasons , and proceed me� would take vp too much time if there came to mee but 100 in a daie to examine them all . livorced for me . Well vpon thy word that I may be divorced from her if she proue not a certaine woman cu�ster dogge ? marrie perhaps the haire is vpon � curster snapper then the right owner was . n� Hey niny . nony no . Hey niny no . Hey noniny nonino � Hey ninyno . So he nonin� niny . nony no . Hey niny no . Hey noniny nonino � Hey ninyno . So he daunces toward her �urious deceiued in that : for they are as fine and curious as anie Ladie in Court , though they be s�t therefore , ( all preambles and digressions set aside ) I come to vnderstand if you bee s�offing speake . If merily , then our jest is tearmed scoffing , and quipping . I� soberly , then our modestie clee�e we commit error . And yet silence is not cleere : for then are we sheepe ( alias ) fooles �ea�est you not see that I am of the newest , and neatest fashion ? who sees my band and perrywig counterfait� of that : I am perswaded you will proue a counterfaite , and no courtier , that are ignorant in ��� yeare , and no Cronicle make � mention of it . Therefore if any man had written . Nihil �radicating such torturing of these Izeland Impes , with eradicating their fleeces , therby to enioy the roots noy some basting , it hath need to be new , for it is noysome , and makes your pretywig nothing handsome no�hing for it is noysome , and makes your pretywig nothing handsome . �y but guesse that I vse art to giue grace to my feature , so it is easie for you to be deceiued b��ed cheeke pretie deepe to the bone , and if it bleed not , assure your selfe she is painted . ent�eate Can you , and will you doe whatsoever I entreate or command you without grudging ? �hen Law ! A good day , and a bad : now hope . then despair . To night co��ort , tomorow morning t�me advice before I resolue . And so for this time I take leaue . �scaping fast in prison , and lock'd sure enough for escaping . O Parvagracio ! dost thou talke of going ��� my heart ? And whither she is gone , and whither she hath caried my heart I know not . Sealing �he heart ? And whither she is gone , and whither she hath caried my heart I know not . Sealing ��� my heart I know not . Sealing . what ta�� talkest thou of sealing ? I haue set my hand , my deliue�ed gone away with this deed of gift . It is deliuered before witnes . It is enroll'd . I haue �nroll'd gift . It is deliuered before witnes . It is enroll'd . I haue acknowledged a fine . I haue suffered lo�g , and take a litle rest . It will not be long before shee come to this place againe . boo�ed with a cloake-bag full vnder his arme , all booted , spur'd , and riding roddes . contentedl�e I cannot ride my iourney contentedlie vntill I haue these egges . Simplo , fetch re�it Exit & cito redit with 7 egges . Anto. takes them & exit . boyl�d quarter of a brest of mutton , a piece of boyled beefe , a pudding , a bone of a loine of ca�ch ground , scrambling euerie way as hee would catch at a Rat , saying . ) What's become of her Langheth laugheth , and saith . How now Purgato . What , art �ate My provender ? the dogs shall eate it , before any bit shall come in my mouth th�t How canst thou tell that a Rat had piss'd on it , when you confesse hea�t With all my heart master , Ile turne you off at this instant diver�ed lik'st thou this sport Insatiato ? hath it diverted thy thoughts a little ? loo�� And looke where she comes . Now I tremble with feare �ir Your questions sir ( if I forget not ) were , what was my name Leu�tia Why Leuitia ? this is a riddle , and a wonder to me c�untry ghostlie father after the fashion of this country : but how , or why your mother or you should no� or you should vow chastitie , I see not , nor would I be married to such a Nun . equ�tie me , what say you to my vow , which in all equitie must be performed . You see I was content brok�n I doubt not ) you haue made , and quickly broken ; and this of the same mettle , & so will bri�le this of the same mettle , & so will proue as britle . Courtlers vowes of this nature are but i� little stronger breath , but their intention is not the streighter . d�sdain�ull compassion on him . or els you were verie disdainfull and cruell . Besides I know it is a great s�conder Sir , a seconder of a tale makes manie times an incredible ��ght credit the better , and perhaps I was within sight and hearing too , when this gentleman was g�rdles 15l for stockings , garters , bodies , and girdles , 50l for gownes , peticoates and such like �iuer will giue good assurance , that the longer liuer of vs two shal possesse all I haue , If wi�e kniues ? O , I will not take them in anie wise , they will cut loue . stag� toy of all toyes . That were fitter for a stage then a wedding . dropp�s Then he walkes about and droppes them downe , and she comes after and takes desti�ie is as it should be : now I haue deceaued destinie . do� You mocke this Parvagracio . I warrant you doe not thinke it evill lucke if the salt fall the�e ragges for our wealth . We cannot want after these matches . I could haue found in my heart �aue mist this ragg'd monie . But what if shee haue none ? she saith I shall haue her and all al�hough you may be even with her if it please you although she proue a roaring girle . prou�� even with her if it please you although she proue a roaring girle . �mptie I would serue her so , teach her to come emptie handed to a man of your spending . that� haue her : and take no care for any thing � that� � the way to liue long and leaue nothing ��� Gentlemen ( you two I meane M. Securus and Sir Hermito ) my master intreats you ��� Gentlemen ( you two I meane M. Securus and Sir Hermito ) my master intreats you both to come to bo�h and Sir Hermito ) my master intreats you both to come to his chamber for a short space �o another time we will see him if wee haue no businesse . ��� note he hath caused to bee drawne he will desire you to pervse it , and do him a favour it p�rvse caused to bee drawne he will desire you to pervse it , and do him a favour it is in the nature m�ne Truely he shall haue no hand of mine to any writing nor to anie purpose , nor wri�ing Truely he shall haue no hand of mine to any writing nor to anie purpose , nor for my credit �n purpose , nor for my credit sake will I come in his companie . I doe imagine what it is ��agine sake will I come in his companie . I doe imagine what it is . He knoweth that we heare so th�t companie . I doe imagine what it is . He knoweth that we heare so much evill of him that he doubts �e doe imagine what it is . He knoweth that we heare so much evill of him that he doubts m�ch what it is . He knoweth that we heare so much evill of him that he doubts we will speak d�ubts that we heare so much evill of him that he doubts we will speak �s we finde . And therefore comme��ations finde . And therefore he would haue vs giue comme�nations of him to some friend of our� in some small repor� never meanes to sue for . But this our good report he will keepe by him partly to stop our par�ly this our good report he will keepe by him partly to stop our mouthes ( hoping we will not pa�tly contrarie to our testimonie in writing , and partly for his credi� to be shewed vpon every occasion o�cas�on partly for his credi� to be shewed vpon every occasion against all that haue cause to speake evill him�elfe to speake evill of him . Let him content himselfe we refuse to come neere him . ref�se evill of him . Let him content himselfe we refuse to come neere him . marv�ll Honest friend : I marvell with what conscience ��� serue one that ��rue friend : I marvell with what conscience ��� serue one that is ��� . la�t wert as good lose thy 100l at first , as at last for he will in the end deceaue thee of it �hen Divell . Nay an wee goe to no worse place then Hell I care not : for I doe not think but maste� Hell I care not : for I doe not think but my master hath craft enough for any Divell on um all co�e that . Wel I shall tell him you will not come . And what's the reason you will not come co�e come . And what's the reason you will not come ? I haue almost forgotten . r�nounce Mary because at our baptisme wee vowed to renounce the infernall Spirit . And now upon our �pon to renounce the infernall Spirit . And now upon our owne experience and iudgement we abandon al� owne experience and iudgement we abandon all incarnate Divells . ca�y if I can obserue that word right � I shall carry the rest well . I knowe what you meane by �ivell well . I knowe what you meane by a carnation divell . Securu� What doe you iudge of these passages M. Securus ? Su�ely Surely Sir � it is hard vpon the suddaine to deliuer ��rue � it is hard vpon the suddaine to deliuer a true sentence vpon so many contrarieties b�eefly contrarieties as this day wee haue heard . But breefly I thinke they ought all to be duced vnto o�ght wee haue heard . But breefly I thinke they ought all to be duced vnto two maine heads of ��� . But breefly I thinke they ought all to be duced vnto two maine heads of Good and Bad be�te� the worst to chuse the least : and of the better take the most . y�u In part I dissent from you but in part I agree . If we be constrained ag�ee In part I dissent from you but in part I agree . If we be constrained to chuse among things whi�h If we be constrained to chuse among things which are ��� best to permit the least : but if ��� permit the least : but if a man haue freedome then the best choice is to refuse evill be it �he refuse evill be it never so little . Among the severall discourses this day acted . I note va�l�d discourses this day acted . I note many vices vailed over with froth , and florish of words , vnma�ked and florish of words , but the same againe vnmarked with substantiall matter , and laid naked di�grace with substantiall matter , and laid naked to disgrace . So it seemeth they are not propounded ��� matter , and laid naked to disgrace . So it seemeth they are not propounded to imitate , but sha�ed propounded to imitate , but ��� forth to be shamed . They are painted in colours but in a map pa�nted imitate , but ��� forth to be shamed . They are painted in colours but in a map of ��� some ��� colour� forth to be shamed . They are painted in colours but in a map of ��� some ��� , but such �o manifest their vglinesse . They come not here to be liked , but lothed ; not to be fauored fau�red here to be liked , but lothed ; not to be fauored , but derided . Not allowed in private , �llowed lothed ; not to be fauored , but derided . Not allowed in private , but in publike to be condemned S� private , but in publike to be condemned . So I hope that all wise hearers will avoid �ope private , but in publike to be condemned . So I hope that all wise hearers will avoid the sinnes a�oid condemned . So I hope that all wise hearers will avoid the sinnes and abuses here touched ( which abuse��ere all wise hearers will avoid the sinnes and abuses here touched ( which are many ) and follow �f which are many ) and follow good counsell if they heard any . Which that they may doe �ray any . Which that they may doe my part is to pray to the giuer of wisdome . And so Sir , wishing g�uer that they may doe my part is to pray to the giuer of wisdome . And so Sir , wishing much prosperitie pro peritie giuer of wisdome . And so Sir , wishing much prosperitie to your charitable endeavours , I take leaue �ext charitable endeavours , I take leaue � and the next way to my poore quiet Cell . sequiturwit� Exit & Securus sequitur pa��ence NOw that your patience hath permitted vs to bring vnto an end this ��� patience hath permitted vs to bring vnto an end this present Dialogue , wee stand in ��� present Dialogue , wee stand in good hope of your clemencie , that no more offence will bee c��menci� Dialogue , wee stand in good hope of your clemencie , that no more offence will bee taken at gi�e any word ��� passed then we had meaning to giue , which wee protest ��� at all . For it ��� it were against reason and our owne ends to driue hence that companie , which we w�sh I� �oubled , then out of it one to be spared . It resteth that we render you very humble and ��� spared . It resteth that we render you very humble and hartie thanks . And that all ��r hearts h�r�ie resteth that we render you very humble and hartie thanks . And that all ��r hearts pray for K�ng thanks . And that all ��r hearts pray for the Ile and his families enduring happinesse , ���