The reasons of Mr. Bays changing his religion considered in a dialogue between Crites, Eugenius, and Mr. Bays.
         Brown, Thomas, 1663-1704.
      
       
         
           1688
        
      
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             The reasons of Mr. Bays changing his religion considered in a dialogue between Crites, Eugenius, and Mr. Bays.
             Brown, Thomas, 1663-1704.
          
           [13], 32 p.
           
             Printed for S.T. ...,
             London :
             1688.
          
           
             Satire by Thomas Brown on Dryden's conversion. Cf. DNB.
             Pts. 2 and 3 were later published as The late converts exposed, or, The reasons of Mr. Bays's changing his religion, and The reasons of Mr. Joseph Hains, the player's conversion & re-conversion. London, 1690.
             Reproduction of original in Huntington Library.
          
        
      
    
     
       
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         eng
      
       
         
           Dryden, John, 1631-1700.
        
      
    
     
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           THE
           REASONS
           OF
           Mr.
           Bays
           Changing
           his
           Religion
           .
        
         
           Considered
           in
           a
           Dialogue
           between
           
             Crites
             ,
             Eugenius
          
           ,
           and
           Mr.
           Bays
           .
        
         
           
             Quo
             teneam
             vultus
             mutantem
             Protea
             nodo
             ?
          
           
             Hor.
             
          
        
         
           
             Ante
             bibebatur
             ,
             nunc
             quas
             contingere
             nolis
          
           
             Fundit
             Anigrus
             aquas
             .
          
           
             Ovid.
             Met.
             
          
        
         
           LONDON
           ,
           Printed
           for
           
             S.
             T.
          
           and
           are
           to
           be
           Sold
           by
           the
           Booksellers
           of
           London
           and
           Westminster
           .
           1688.
           
        
      
       
         
         
         
           The
           Preface
           .
        
         
           I
           Have
           read
           somewhere
           in
           Monsieur
           Rapins
           Reflections
           
             Sur
             la
             Poetique
          
           ,
           that
           a
           certain
           Venetian
           Nobleman
           
             Andrea
             Naugeria
          
           by
           Name
           ,
           was
           wont
           every
           year
           to
           Sacrifice
           a
           Martial
           to
           the
           Manes
           of
           Catullus
           :
           In
           imitation
           of
           this
           frolic
           ,
           a
           Celebrated
           Poet
           ,
           in
           the
           Preface
           before
           his
           
             Spanish
             Fryer
          
           ,
           is
           ple●sed
           to
           acquaint
           the
           World
           ,
           That
           he
           has
           indignation
           enough
           to
           burn
           a
           
             Bu●●y
             Damboys
          
           annually
           to
           the
           memory
           of
           
             Ben
             Johnson
          
           :
           Since
           this
           Modern
           Ceremony
           of
           offering
           up
           one
           Author
           at
           the
           Altar
           of
           another
           ,
           is
           likely
           to
           advance
           into
           a
           fashion
           ,
           as
           having
           already
           the
           authority
           of
           two
           such
           great
           men
           to
           recommend
           it
           ,
           the
           Courteous
           Reader
           may
           be
           pleased
           to
           take
           notice
           ,
           that
           the
           Author
           of
           this
           following
           Dialogue
           is
           resolved
           (
           God
           willing
           )
           on
           the
           Festival
           of
           the
           Seven
           Sleepers
           ,
           as
           long
           as
           he
           lives
           ,
           to
           Sacrifice
           the
           
             Hind
             and
             Panther
          
           to
           the
           Memory
           of
           Mr.
           Q●a●les
           ,
           and
           
             John
             Bunyan
          
           :
           Or
           if
           a
           Writsr
           that
           has
           notoriously
           contradicted
           himself
           ,
           and
           Espoused
           the
           Quarrel
           of
           Two
           different
           Parties
           ,
           may
           be
           consider'd
           under
           Two
           Distinct
           Characters
           ,
           he
           designs
           to
           deliver
           up
           the
           Author
           of
           the
           
             Hind
             and
             Panther
          
           ,
           to
           be
           l●●h●d
           severely
           by
           ,
           and
           to
           beg
           Pardon
           of
           the
           Worthy
           Gentleman
           that
           wrote
           the
           
             Spanish
             Fryar
          
           ,
           and
           the
           
             Religio
             Laici
          
           .
        
         
           It
           is
           not
           to
           be
           deny'd
           ,
           but
           that
           a
           Poet
           is
           as
           unfit
           to
           manage
           the
           serious
           part
           of
           a
           Controversie
           ,
           as
           an
           Irishman
           is
           to
           write
           the
           Miracle
           Part
           of
           Church
           History
           :
           For
           besides
           that
           his
           Integrity
           is
           as
           much
           to
           be
           suspected
           as
           his
           Iudgment
           ;
           the
           least
           Thought
           ,
           or
           extravagant
           Fancy
           ,
           is
           apt
           to
           lead
           him
           a
           Hundred
           Pages
           out
           of
           his
           way
           ,
           and
           then
           't
           is
           Ten
           to
           One
           ,
           he
           'll
           lye
           on
           a
           Fortnight
           in
           the
           Advertisements
           of
           a
           Gazette
           ,
           before
           he
           recovers
           
           the
           Road.
           But
           then
           on
           the
           other
           hand
           ,
           I
           think
           
             Mr.
             Bays
          
           ought
           to
           be
           Acquitted
           for
           Treating
           his
           Subject
           in
           Rhyme
           ,
           (
           which
           he
           very
           Iudiciously
           somewhere
           calls
           the
           Vehicle
           of
           Nonsense
           )
           and
           I
           am
           clearly
           of
           Opinion
           ,
           That
           the
           chief
           Points
           in
           Agitation
           betweent
           he
           Church
           of
           Rome
           and
           Vs
           ,
           are
           so
           easie
           to
           be
           decided
           (
           if
           the
           Party
           concerned
           could
           but
           once
           Disingage
           themselves
           from
           Prejudice
           ,
           Pride
           and
           Interest
           )
           that
           they
           ought
           not
           to
           imploy
           the
           serious
           part
           of
           Mankind
           ,
           or
           put
           Christendom
           to
           the
           Expence
           of
           Convening
           a
           Council
           ,
           while
           a
           Synod
           of
           Poets
           may
           better
           Discuss
           and
           Determine
           them
           at
           their
           own
           Cost
           and
           Charges
           .
           Why
           cannot
           Purgatory
           be
           as
           well
           traced
           out
           of
           that
           Famous
           Verse
           in
           Virgil
           ,
           
             
               Infectum
               eluitur
               scelus
               ,
               aut
               exuritur
               igni
               ,
            
          
           as
           out
           of
           the
           Dreams
           of
           some
           few
           Hypocondraic
           Authors
           ,
           and
           a
           poor
           single
           misapplyed
           place
           of
           Scripture
           ,
           that
           for
           fear
           of
           making
           a
           Blot
           ,
           like
           a
           Solitary
           Man
           at
           Bacgammon
           ,
           wants
           the
           assistance
           of
           another
           Text
           to
           bind
           him
           ?
           Or
           the
           Pope's
           Supremacy
           be
           made
           good
           from
           that
           Passage
           ,
           
             
               Imperiumque
               Pater
               Romanus
               habebit
               ,
            
          
           as
           well
           as
           out
           of
           
             Pasce
             oves
             meas
          
           ,
           and
           the
           Decretal
           Epistles
           ?
           Virgil
           too
           may
           be
           considered
           as
           a
           Person
           that
           lay
           under
           to
           Temptation
           at
           all
           of
           Complementing
           the
           Christians
           ,
           being
           himself
           of
           another
           Perswasion
           ;
           and
           so
           whatever
           comes
           from
           him
           in
           favour
           of
           the
           Catholick
           Tenets
           ,
           is
           to
           be
           look'd
           upon
           with
           extraordinary
           regard
           and
           veneration
           .
           And
           perhaps
           
             Mr.
             Bays
          
           ,
           after
           he
           has
           for
           some
           time
           Consulted
           the
           Fragments
           of
           the
           Sibylls
           ,
           and
           begun
           a
           little
           acquaintance
           with
           
             Rabbi
             Galatinus
          
           ,
           or
           any
           of
           his
           Relations
           ,
           may
           be
           able
           to
           prove
           that
           Virgil
           had
           his
           Notion
           of
           Purgatory
           ,
           and
           the
           Pope's
           Supremacy
           ,
           from
           the
           very
           same
           Sybill
           that
           help'd
           him
           to
           the
           Prophecy
           of
           our
           Saviours
           Incarnation
           in
           the
           fourth
           Eclogue
           .
           Certainly
           that
           good
           
             Eastern
             Bishop
          
           ,
           who
           at
           the
           second
           Council
           of
           Nice
           urged
           that
           Text
           in
           the
           First
           of
           
             Genesis
             ,
             And
             
             God
             made
             Man
             in
             his
             own
             Image
             ,
          
           in
           defence
           of
           Image-worship
           ,
           was
           a
           very
           great
           Poet
           ,
           though
           from
           so
           long
           a
           Devolution
           of
           time
           we
           have
           lost
           that
           part
           of
           his
           Character
           ;
           and
           might
           as
           well
           ,
           when
           his
           hand
           was
           in
           ,
           as
           vigorously
           appear'd
           to
           have
           Man-Midwifery
           declar'd
           to
           be
           of
           Divine
           Right
           ,
           because
           Vulcan
           play'd
           the
           Midwife
           ,
           when
           his
           Old
           Father
           was
           Delivered
           of
           Minerva
           .
           I
           am
           heartily
           sorry
           that
           this
           Iudicious
           Prelate
           had
           not
           the
           good
           Fortune
           to
           live
           in
           our
           Age
           ,
           where
           he
           might
           have
           made
           a
           more
           considerable
           Figure
           ,
           and
           convers'd
           with
           Two
           able
           Disputants
           ,
           exactly
           of
           his
           own
           Temper
           and
           Constitution
           ,
           
             the
             Oxford
             Editor
          
           ,
           and
           the
           
             Worthy
             Convert
             of
             Putney
          
           .
           I
           observe
           ,
           that
           as
           there
           are
           two
           sorts
           of
           Prologues
           in
           the
           Rehearsal
           ,
           the
           one
           Composed
           
             in
             Terrorem
          
           ,
           to
           frighten
           the
           Audience
           into
           Civility
           and
           good
           Manners
           ,
           by
           Huffing
           and
           Railing
           at
           them
           ;
           the
           other
           Imbellish'd
           with
           kind
           Language
           ,
           and
           some
           pretty
           Surprizing
           Thought
           or
           other
           ,
           in
           order
           to
           Steal
           and
           Insinuate
           into
           your
           Favour
           :
           So
           likewise
           the
           Modern
           Polemics
           have
           pitch'd
           upon
           Two
           different
           ways
           to
           reduce
           Vs
           ,
           for
           either
           we
           are
           Accosted
           with
           such
           kind
           of
           Complements
           as
           these
           ;
           
             Have
             a
             Care
             what
             you
             do
             Gentlemen
             ,
             you
             are
             got
             within
             the
             Territories
             of
             Heresie
             and
             Sacriledge
             ,
             and
             you
             had
             as
             good
             Ride
             your
             Horses
             full
             Gallop
             in
             a
             Coney-Warren
             ,
             as
             continue
             in
             a
             Country
             where
             nothing
             but
             utter
             Ruine
             and
             Desolation
             can
             attend
             you
             :
          
           Or
           else
           the
           Scene
           is
           alter'd
           ,
           and
           some
           humble
           Accommodator
           hangs
           out
           the
           White
           Flag
           ,
           and
           proposes
           milder
           Conditions
           ;
           
             Well
             Countrymen
             ,
             there
             have
             been
             ill
             offices
             done
             on
             both
             sides
             ;
             we
             have
             been
             misrepresented
             to
             you
             ,
             and
             you
             have
             laboured
             under
             as
             bad
             a
             Character
             amongst
             our
             party
             ;
             a
             little
             Christian
             compliance
             will
             set
             all
             matters
             streight
             again
             .
             Your
             Authors
             and
             ours
             are
             agreed
             well
             enough
             in
             the
             main
             ;
             and
             therefore
             let
             us
             sacrifice
             half
             a
             dozen
             troublesome
             ill-natur'd
             distinctions
             to
             the
             Peace
             of
             mankind
             :
          
           But
           first
           we
           desire
           you
           of
           all
           loves
           to
           lock
           up
           that
           troublesome
           companion
           call'd
           Reason
           ,
           for
           one
           quarter
           of
           a
           year
           ,
           and
           if
           you
           could
           but
           prevail
           with
           your self
           to
           discard
           your
           five
           Senses
           ,
           the
           business
           would
           be
           presently
           at
           an
           end
           .
           Of
           the
           two
           late
           Converts
           abovementioned
           ,
           that
           have
           listed
           themselves
           in
           the
           
           Service
           of
           the
           
             Western
             Patriarch
          
           ,
           one
           has
           published
           a
           specious
           Treatise
           ,
           to
           prove
           that
           the
           Papists
           and
           Protestants
           are
           agreed
           in
           their
           Notions
           of
           a
           Real
           Presence
           ;
           the
           other
           pretends
           ,
           That
           the
           
             Catholick
             Doctoas
          
           ,
           and
           the
           
             Jewish
             Rabbies
          
           ,
           are
           likewise
           agreed
           in
           the
           business
           of
           Transubstantiation
           :
           Indeed
           ,
           after
           this
           rate
           of
           arguing
           they
           may
           very
           easily
           prove
           their
           Church
           to
           be
           Vniversal
           ;
           which
           thing
           if
           rightly
           considered
           ,
           I
           am
           confident
           will
           bring
           above
           three
           parts
           of
           the
           Globe
           into
           the
           Popes
           Chamber
           of
           Dependencies
           .
           I
           know
           there
           are
           some
           Malicious
           Persons
           in
           the
           World
           ,
           who
           are
           apt
           to
           conclude
           ,
           That
           this
           calling
           in
           the
           Gentlemen
           of
           the
           Circumcision
           to
           the
           Assistance
           of
           the
           Catholick
           Cause
           ,
           is
           a
           very
           plain
           that
           they
           dare
           not
           hazard
           the
           fortune
           of
           a
           set
           Battel
           upon
           their
           own
           Forces
           :
           That
           Prince
           is
           in
           no
           good
           circumstances
           at
           home
           ,
           who
           is
           obliged
           to
           employ
           an
           inveterate
           Foreigner
           to
           support
           his
           Dignity
           ;
           and
           we
           have
           read
           (
           say
           they
           )
           how
           the
           Christians
           have
           taken
           the
           condition
           of
           the
           
             Holy
             Land
          
           into
           their
           consideration
           ,
           have
           unanimously
           fought
           ,
           and
           recovered
           it
           out
           of
           the
           hands
           of
           Infidels
           ,
           but
           we
           never
           hear
           to
           this
           day
           that
           the
           Jews
           retaliated
           the
           kindness
           ,
           or
           gave
           'em
           any
           thanks
           for
           their
           pains
           .
           The
           truth
           on
           't
           is
           ,
           men
           that
           are
           disposed
           to
           talk
           ,
           will
           ,
           in
           spight
           of
           all
           the
           World
           ,
           say
           what
           they
           please
           ,
           tho
           they
           are
           sure
           to
           be
           as
           troublesome
           as
           a
           Welshman
           when
           the
           Spirit
           of
           Genealogy
           possesses
           him
           :
           But
           I
           pray
           why
           may
           not
           a
           man
           that
           has
           kept
           
             Rabbi
             Solomon
             Iarchi
             ,
             Ben
             Sira
             ,
             Ben
             Manasses
             ,
          
           and
           the
           rest
           of
           the
           Tribe
           ,
           in
           Meat
           ,
           Drink
           ,
           Washing
           and
           Lodging
           ,
           at
           his
           own
           proper
           Expence
           some
           Twenty
           Years
           ,
           be
           as
           well
           allow'd
           upon
           an
           emergent
           occasion
           to
           draw
           them
           out
           in
           Battel-array
           ,
           to
           confound
           us
           Protestants
           ,
           as
           a
           Neighbour
           of
           ours
           on
           the
           other
           side
           the
           Water
           to
           call
           in
           the
           
             Grand
             Seignior
          
           to
           humble
           the
           Emperour
           .
        
         
           But
           I
           find
           this
           Speculation
           has
           occasion'd
           me
           to
           digress
           farther
           than
           I
           intended
           :
           therefore
           to
           return
           to
           Mr.
           Bays
           ,
           I
           must
           make
           bold
           to
           acquaint
           him
           ,
           That
           of
           all
           men
           in
           the
           World
           he
           ought
           not
           to
           have
           interested
           himself
           in
           the
           quarrel
           ,
           whatever
           his
           private
           sentiments
           were
           ,
           since
           he
           had
           so
           publicly
           ,
           and
           so
           virulently
           exposed
           that
           party
           before
           .
           If
           he
           pretends
           he
           took
           his
           copy
           from
           Arnobius
           ,
           who
           was
           obliged
           to
           write
           his
           Learned
           Treatise
           
             Contra
             
             Gentes
          
           ,
           to
           satisfie
           the
           Christians
           ,
           who
           somewhat
           doubted
           the
           sincerity
           of
           his
           Conversion
           ,
           that
           he
           had
           in
           good
           earnest
           quitted
           Paganism
           ,
           much
           good
           may
           it
           do
           him
           .
           But
           I
           am
           afraid
           this
           instance
           won't
           do
           his
           business
           ,
           for
           ,
           I
           suppose
           ,
           had
           Arnobius
           stood
           charged
           with
           half
           those
           scandalous
           ill
           things
           ,
           which
           Mr.
           Bays
           is
           like
           to
           answer
           for
           ,
           his
           admission
           into
           the
           Church
           had
           not
           been
           purchased
           at
           the
           easie
           terms
           of
           libelling
           his
           old
           Friends
           ,
           and
           Sacrificing
           that
           ,
           which
           is
           lighter
           than
           the
           Honesty
           of
           a
           Bawd
           ,
           the
           Chastity
           of
           a
           Midwife
           ,
           the
           Valour
           of
           an
           Atheist
           ,
           the
           Honour
           of
           a
           Pimp
           ,
           the
           Integrity
           of
           an
           Vsurer
           ,
           
             even
             a
             Poets
             Reputation
          
           .
           But
           I
           find
           a
           man
           may
           hold
           all
           the
           seven
           deadly
           sins
           in
           Commendam
           with
           a
           Saintship
           ;
           and
           that
           there
           is
           a
           certain
           Society
           of
           men
           in
           the
           World
           ,
           who
           to
           fill
           up
           their
           Numbers
           against
           the
           next
           Muster
           ,
           make
           no
           scruple
           at
           all
           of
           entertaining
           such
           kind
           of
           Proselytes
           ,
           as
           Romulus
           picked
           up
           when
           he
           opened
           his
           Asylum
           .
        
         
           
             Mr.
             Bays
          
           in
           his
           Life
           of
           Plutarch
           ,
           occasionally
           discoursing
           concerning
           the
           Report
           that
           Seneca
           Cuckolded
           his
           Patron
           Claudius
           ,
           is
           very
           sorry
           that
           
             Petronus
             Arbiter
          
           was
           not
           the
           man
           ,
           because
           he
           could
           better
           have
           bore
           it
           from
           a
           man
           of
           his
           Character
           (
           for
           you
           must
           know
           ,
           
             Petronus
             Arbiter
          
           was
           a
           Poet
           ,
           and
           consequently
           the
           fitter
           Person
           for
           such
           a
           business
           )
           and
           he
           can
           conceive
           nothing
           in
           the
           World
           next
           to
           an
           Elephant
           upon
           Stilts
           ,
           so
           awkard
           in
           the
           pursuit
           of
           an
           Amour
           as
           a
           Philosopher
           in
           a
           Gown
           .
           The
           Truth
           on
           't
           is
           ,
           Divines
           and
           Philosophers
           never
           had
           a
           good
           word
           from
           Mr.
           Bays
           since
           his
           Mother
           bound
           up
           his
           Head
           for
           him
           .
           Here
           was
           the
           finest
           opportunity
           imaginable
           for
           a
           Philosopher
           to
           have
           made
           his
           Market
           ,
           The
           old
           Gentleman
           gone
           abroad
           to
           smoke
           a
           Pipe
           among
           his
           Tènants
           ,
           the
           Lady
           consenting
           ,
           the
           happy
           hour
           of
           Assignation
           come
           ,
           the
           Chamber-maid
           upon
           duty
           at
           the
           door
           ,
           the
           Sheets
           perfumed
           ,
           the
           Curtains
           drawn
           ,
           the
           trusty
           Brandy-bottle
           at
           the
           Beds-head
           :
           Nothing
           in
           the
           World
           ,
           one
           would
           have
           thought
           ,
           could
           have
           defeated
           and
           spoil'd
           so
           promising
           ,
           so
           hopeful
           an
           intrigue
           .
           But
           O
           the
           Fates
           !
           just
           in
           the
           Critical
           minute
           appears
           Mr.
           Bays
           ,
           forbids
           the
           banet
           ,
           turns
           the
           poor
           Philosopher
           ,
           with
           his
           Breeches
           dangling
           about
           his
           heels
           ,
           down
           stairs
           ;
           and
           in
           that
           surly
           humour
           nothing
           would
           serve
           his
           turn
           ,
           but
           a
           Poet
           only
           must
           Cuuckold
           the
           Emperour
           .
           
           Now
           to
           apply
           this
           story
           to
           Mr.
           Bays
           ;
           as
           he
           seems
           concerned
           for
           his
           friend
           Petronius
           ,
           that
           he
           had
           not
           the
           good
           fortune
           to
           be
           engaged
           in
           the
           affair
           we
           were
           now
           discoursing
           of
           ,
           so
           I
           am
           sorry
           with
           all
           my
           heart
           ,
           that
           since
           Mr.
           Bays's
           Stars
           so
           order'd
           the
           matter
           ,
           as
           to
           condemn
           him
           to
           the
           drudgery
           of
           Writing
           everlastingly
           ,
           that
           instead
           of
           barren
           Controversie
           (
           which
           is
           not
           a
           province
           so
           capable
           of
           being
           cultivated
           by
           a
           Poet
           as
           other
           provinces
           are
           )
           he
           had
           not
           either
           set
           himself
           upon
           reforming
           the
           Anthems
           of
           his
           own
           Church
           ,
           which
           exceedingly
           want
           such
           a
           charitable
           hand
           as
           his
           to
           Revise
           'em
           ;
           or
           employ'd
           his
           Talent
           in
           Spiritual
           Madrigals
           to
           good
           Saint
           Wilgefortis
           ,
           or
           Apollonia
           ,
           (
           who
           might
           perhaps
           have
           remembred
           him
           for
           it
           in
           a
           fit
           of
           the
           Tooth-ach
           )
           or
           lastly
           ,
           
             
               Since
               he
               is
               read
               in
               Cares
               ,
            
             
               And
               bends
               beneath
               the
               weight
               of
               fifty
               years
               :
            
          
           that
           in
           his
           Old
           Age
           he
           had
           not
           chosen
           out
           for
           him self
           
             some
             peaceful
             Province
             in
             Acrostick
             Land
          
           :
           I
           make
           bold
           here
           to
           use
           his
           own
           Expression
           in
           
             Mac
             Flecno
          
           ,
           if
           it
           is
           his
           I
           say
           ;
           for
           
             Mr.
             Shadwell
          
           in
           the
           Preface
           before
           his
           Translation
           of
           the
           Tenth
           Satyr
           in
           Juvenal
           ,
           has
           been
           lately
           pleas'd
           to
           acquaint
           the
           World
           ,
           that
           he
           publickly
           disown'd
           the
           Writing
           of
           it
           ,
           with
           as
           solemn
           imprecations
           as
           his
           friend
           the
           
             Spanish
             Fryar
          
           did
           the
           Cavalier
           Lorenzo
           .
        
         
           For
           to
           Deal
           Honestly
           with
           
             Mr.
             Bays
          
           ,
           however
           in
           his
           other
           Composures
           he
           has
           obliged
           the
           World
           with
           the
           Delicacy
           of
           Language
           ,
           and
           the
           Agreeableness
           of
           his
           Fancy
           ;
           yet
           in
           his
           last
           Essay
           we
           only
           find
           such
           novel
           kind
           of
           Discourse
           between
           the
           
             Hind
             and
             Panther
          
           ,
           as
           passes
           between
           the
           two
           Iudicious
           Grave-makers
           in
           Hamlet
           :
           In
           short
           ,
           we
           meet
           nothing
           but
           a
           dull
           heap
           of
           Insipid
           stuff
           ,
           so
           lamentably
           Ridiculous
           ,
           that
           one
           could
           not
           in
           conscience
           desire
           to
           have
           an
           Adversary
           write
           worse
           :
           so
           that
           whatever
           advantages
           his
           Soul
           has
           made
           by
           the
           exchange
           of
           his
           Religion
           (
           though
           I
           wonder
           in
           my
           heart
           how
           that
           queasy
           stomach
           of
           his
           ,
           which
           about
           
           four
           years
           ago
           could
           hardly
           digest
           the
           Apostles
           Creed
           ,
           should
           now
           be
           able
           to
           digest
           not
           only
           that
           ,
           and
           Athanasius's
           Creed
           ,
           but
           a
           
           more
           unpalatable
           one
           of
           Pius's
           making
           )
           his
           Muse
           I
           am
           sure
           is
           sensibly
           the
           worse
           .
           Were
           I
           his
           Confessor
           ,
           who
           am
           only
           his
           Adviser
           ,
           I
           should
           prescribe
           him
           no
           other
           Pennance
           for
           every
           Transgression
           ,
           than
           to
           make
           me
           a
           Copy
           of
           such
           miserable
           Doggerel
           
             toties
             quoties
          
           ,
           which
           I
           believe
           would
           be
           Mortification
           enough
           for
           him
           ;
           and
           the
           reading
           of
           them
           ,
           I
           'm
           sure
           would
           be
           sufficient
           Pennance
           to
           my self
           .
           But
           after
           all
           ,
           perhaps
           
             Mr.
             Bays
          
           writ
           for
           the
           Irish
           Nation
           ,
           and
           then
           he
           's
           to
           be
           excused
           ,
           for
           he
           that
           writes
           to
           please
           the
           relish
           of
           that
           Noble
           Kingdom
           ,
           must
           do
           the
           same
           by
           his
           Wit
           and
           Language
           ,
           as
           
             Valerius
             Poplicola
          
           did
           with
           his
           House
           ,
           even
           level
           it
           to
           the
           ground
           .
        
         
           I
           met
           the
           other
           day
           a
           certain
           passage
           in
           Montaign's
           Essays
           ,
           which
           I
           little
           imagin'd
           to
           have
           found
           in
           an
           Author
           of
           his
           Gravity
           ;
           he
           is
           pleased
           to
           be
           angry
           with
           Carvers
           and
           Statuaries
           ,
           for
           making
           the
           nudities
           of
           their
           Images
           so
           large
           :
           for
           (
           says
           he
           )
           the
           Ladies
           who
           form
           an
           Idea
           of
           the
           Abilities
           of
           Mankind
           by
           such
           exterior
           representations
           ,
           must
           certainly
           find
           themselves
           extremely
           disappointed
           ,
           when
           they
           come
           to
           consult
           the
           Originals
           .
           This
           so
           strange
           a
           passage
           ,
           as
           I
           said
           before
           ,
           one
           wou'd
           scarce
           expect
           to
           meet
           in
           Montaign
           ;
           and
           indeed
           ,
           with
           respect
           to
           the
           memory
           of
           so
           great
           a
           man
           ,
           it
           is
           extravagant
           enough
           in
           all
           conscience
           .
           But
           
             Mr.
             Bays
          
           in
           his
           Preface
           ,
           before
           the
           second
           part
           of
           the
           late
           *
           Miscellanies
           ,
           has
           as
           much
           out
           done
           this
           ,
           and
           any
           thing
           that
           was
           ever
           said
           in
           the
           World
           ,
           as
           a
           Heroe
           of
           his
           own
           begetting
           ,
           Almanzor
           by
           name
           ,
           has
           exceeded
           all
           the
           Bullies
           before
           him
           .
           On
           one
           side
           of
           the
           page
           ,
           he
           appears
           with
           extraordinary
           Zeal
           for
           the
           Immortality
           of
           the
           Soul.
           
             What
             considering
             Person
          
           (
           says
           he
           )
           
             who
             observes
             how
             Fools
             and
             Knaves
             batten
             in
             the
             World
             ,
             while
             men
             of
             Merit
             and
             Integrity
          
           (
           meaning
           himself
           I
           suppose
           )
           
             starve
             and
             are
             despised
             ,
             can
             suppose
             that
             there
             are
             not
             allowances
             to
             be
             made
             in
             another
             ?
          
           That
           is
           ,
           because
           
             Mr.
             Bays
          
           missed
           of
           his
           Eaton-preferment
           ,
           he
           was
           humbly
           content
           to
           expect
           his
           reward
           elsewhere
           ;
           and
           truly
           I
           am
           so
           much
           of
           his
           Opinion
           ,
           as
           to
           think
           he
           is
           to
           expect
           it
           in
           another
           World
           :
           On
           the
           other
           side
           of
           the
           Leaf
           ,
           as
           if
           his
           
             Petronius
             Arbiter
          
           had
           got
           the
           Weather-gage
           of
           
             Thomas
             
             a
             Kempis
          
           ,
           he
           makes
           you
           a
           very
           formal
           Apology
           for
           Translating
           a
           certain
           luscious
           part
           of
           Lucretius
           (
           he
           could
           not
           find
           in
           his
           heart
           ,
           he
           tells
           you
           ,
           to
           give
           it
           a
           worse
           name
           )
           though
           some
           people
           are
           apt
           to
           believe
           it
           ought
           only
           to
           keep
           company
           with
           Culpeppers
           Midwife
           ,
           or
           the
           English
           Translation
           of
           
             Aloysia
             Sigea
          
           .
           If
           
             Mr.
             Bays
          
           would
           have
           been
           rul'd
           by
           me
           ,
           that
           very
           moment
           when
           he
           fell
           from
           the
           highest
           step
           of
           Jacobs
           Ladder
           ,
           and
           from
           a
           grave
           contemplation
           of
           Eternity
           could
           on
           the
           sudden
           condescend
           and
           truckle
           to
           the
           Patronage
           of
           down-right
           obscenity
           ;
           he
           should
           not
           have
           made
           so
           small
           a
           leap
           on
           't
           ,
           as
           to
           have
           vaulted
           over
           the
           little
           Rubicon
           that
           parts
           the
           Reformed
           Churches
           ,
           and
           the
           Church
           of
           Rome
           ,
           (
           for
           that
           had
           been
           too
           inconsiderable
           a
           performance
           for
           a
           man
           of
           his
           Agility
           )
           but
           have
           gone
           over
           in
           good
           earnest
           to
           Mahomets
           Church
           ,
           who
           makes
           that
           business
           he
           so
           pathetically
           there
           describes
           ,
           one
           of
           the
           chiefest
           rewards
           for
           his
           Disciples
           in
           the
           next
           World
           :
           And
           who
           knows
           but
           this
           may
           come
           to
           pass
           ,
           things
           were
           not
           brought
           to
           an
           extremity
           when
           I
           left
           the
           Story
           .
           The
           worthy
           Gentlemen
           that
           have
           set
           him
           upon
           the
           Heroick
           design
           of
           writing
           the
           
             Hind
             and
             Panther
          
           (
           for
           I
           must
           beg
           Bays's
           pardon
           if
           I
           am
           so
           unmannerly
           as
           not
           to
           believe
           every
           thing
           he
           says
           in
           his
           Preface
           )
           have
           so
           far
           secured
           him
           to
           their
           Party
           ,
           that
           he
           cannot
           in
           honour
           return
           to
           the
           Protestant
           Territories
           ;
           they
           have
           cut
           off
           all
           hopes
           of
           a
           retreat
           from
           him
           ;
           the
           back
           doors
           are
           shut
           ,
           but
           the
           passage
           before
           is
           open
           enough
           ,
           and
           the
           way
           to
           Meccha
           and
           Constantinople
           as
           easie
           to
           be
           found
           as
           ever
           ;
           and
           I
           dare
           lay
           a
           wager
           that
           
             Mr.
             Bays
          
           is
           too
           much
           a
           Poet
           ,
           not
           to
           pass
           the
           same
           judgment
           of
           his
           newest
           choice
           in
           Religion
           ,
           as
           of
           his
           newest
           Plays
           ,
           that
           the
           last
           is
           always
           the
           best
           .
        
         
           To
           draw
           now
           to
           an
           end
           ,
           
             Mr.
             Bays
          
           I
           hear
           has
           lately
           complained
           at
           
             Wills
             Coffee-house
          
           ,
           of
           the
           ill
           usage
           he
           has
           met
           in
           the
           World
           :
           that
           whereas
           he
           had
           the
           generosity
           and
           assurance
           to
           set
           his
           own
           name
           to
           his
           late
           piece
           of
           Polemick
           Poetry
           ,
           yet
           others
           who
           have
           pretended
           to
           answer
           him
           ,
           wanted
           the
           breeding
           and
           civility
           to
           do
           the
           like
           .
           Now
           because
           I
           would
           not
           willingly
           disoblige
           a
           person
           of
           Bays's
           Character
           ,
           I
           do
           here
           fairly
           ,
           and
           before
           all
           the
           World
           ,
           assure
           him
           that
           my
           Name
           is
           
             Dudly
             Tomkinson
          
           ,
           and
           
           that
           I
           live
           within
           Two
           Miles
           of
           
             St.
             Michaels
          
           Mount
           in
           Cornwall
           and
           have
           in
           my
           time
           been
           both
           
             Constable
             ,
             Church-Warden
          
           ,
           and
           Overseer
           of
           the
           Parish
           ,
           by
           the
           same
           token
           that
           the
           little
           Gallery
           next
           the
           Belfry
           ,
           the
           new
           Motto
           about
           the
           Pulpit
           ,
           the
           Kings
           Arms
           ,
           the
           Ten
           Commandments
           ,
           and
           the
           great
           Sun
           dial
           in
           the
           Church-yard
           ,
           will
           transmit
           my
           name
           to
           all
           Posterity
           .
           Furthermore
           (
           if
           it
           will
           do
           him
           any
           good
           at
           all
           )
           I
           can
           make
           a
           pretty
           shift
           to
           read
           without
           Spectacles
           ,
           wear
           my
           own
           Hair
           ,
           which
           is
           somewhat
           inclining
           to
           Red
           ,
           have
           a
           large
           Mole
           on
           my
           left
           Cheek
           ,
           am
           mightily
           troubled
           with
           Corns
           ,
           and
           what
           is
           peculiar
           to
           my
           constitution
           ,
           after
           half
           a
           dozen
           Bottles
           of
           Claret
           ,
           which
           I
           generally
           carry
           home
           every
           night
           from
           the
           Tavern
           ;
           I
           never
           fail
           of
           a
           stool
           or
           two
           next
           morning
           :
           besides
           I
           use
           to
           smoke
           a
           Pipe
           every
           day
           after
           Dinner
           ,
           and
           afterwards
           steal
           a
           Nap
           for
           an
           hour
           or
           two
           in
           the
           old
           Wicker-chair
           near
           the
           Oven
           ,
           take
           gentle
           Purgatives
           spring
           and
           fall
           ;
           and
           it
           has
           been
           my
           custom
           any
           time
           these
           sixteen
           years
           (
           as
           all
           the
           Parish
           can
           testifie
           )
           to
           ride
           in
           Gambadoes
           .
           Nay
           ,
           to
           win
           the
           heart
           of
           him
           for
           ever
           ,
           I
           invite
           him
           here
           before
           the
           Courteous
           Reader
           to
           a
           Country
           Regale
           (
           provided
           he
           will
           before-hand
           promise
           not
           to
           Debauch
           my
           Wife
           )
           where
           he
           shall
           have
           Sugar
           to
           his
           Roast-beef
           ,
           and
           Vinegar
           to
           his
           Butter
           ;
           and
           lastly
           ,
           to
           make
           him
           amends
           for
           the
           tediousness
           of
           the
           Iourney
           ,
           a
           parcel
           of
           Relicks
           to
           carry
           home
           with
           him
           ,
           which
           I
           believe
           can
           scarce
           be
           matched
           in
           the
           whole
           Christian
           World
           ;
           but
           because
           I
           have
           no
           great
           fancy
           that
           way
           ,
           I
           don't
           care
           if
           I
           part
           with
           them
           to
           so
           worthy
           a
           Person
           :
           they
           are
           as
           followeth
           .
        
         
           Gregory's
           Ritual
           ,
           bound
           up
           in
           the
           same
           Calves-skin
           that
           the
           Old
           Gentleman
           in
           
             St.
             Luke
          
           Roasted
           at
           the
           return
           of
           his
           Prodigal
           Son.
           
        
         
           The
           Quadrant
           that
           a
           Philistin
           Taylor
           took
           the
           heighe
           of
           Goliah
           by
           ,
           when
           he
           made
           him
           his
           last
           Suit
           of
           Cloaths
           ;
           for
           the
           Giant
           being
           a
           man
           of
           extraordinary
           dimensions
           ,
           it
           was
           impossible
           to
           do
           this
           affair
           any
           other
           way
           than
           your
           designers
           use
           ,
           when
           they
           take
           the
           height
           of
           a
           Country-steeple
           .
        
         
           The
           Ioynt-stool
           that
           
             St.
             Christophers
          
           Barber
           stood
           upon
           when
           he
           shaved
           him
           .
           Now
           to
           satisfie
           Mr.
           Bays
           of
           the
           necessity
           the
           
           Barber
           had
           to
           make
           use
           of
           a
           Ioynt-stool
           in
           this
           affair
           ,
           and
           that
           it
           was
           no
           foolish
           ,
           malapert
           or
           arrogant
           humour
           in
           the
           Barber
           so
           to
           do
           ,
           he
           is
           to
           understand
           that
           St.
           Christopher
           ,
           if
           he
           were
           alive
           ,
           could
           have
           drunk
           the
           Monument
           full
           of
           Mum
           for
           his
           mornings
           draught
           ,
           with
           as
           much
           ease
           as
           the
           Presbyterian
           Divines
           swallow'd
           the
           Covenant
           ;
           and
           if
           he
           wont
           believe
           me
           on
           my
           word
           ,
           let
           him
           e'ne
           ride
           his
           Horse
           to
           Paris
           ,
           and
           if
           St.
           Kits
           Statue
           in
           the
           
             Nostre
             Dame
          
           do
           not
           convince
           him
           of
           his
           error
           ,
           I
           will
           give
           him
           free
           leave
           to
           swear
           before
           any
           Iustice
           of
           Peace
           that
           I
           am
           the
           Seditious
           Author
           of
           the
           
             Letter
             to
             the
             Dissenter
          
           .
        
         
           A
           Knife
           of
           great
           Antiquity
           ,
           the
           Handle
           of
           it
           is
           made
           with
           the
           same
           Ivory
           that
           Jupiter
           supplyed
           Pelops's
           Shoulder
           with
           ;
           the
           Blade
           originally
           St.
           Peters
           Sword
           ,
           fought
           by
           Pope
           Hildebrand
           ,
           and
           Julius
           the
           Second
           ,
           into
           a
           Dagger
           ,
           and
           since
           converted
           into
           the
           use
           aforemention'd
           .
           If
           Mr.
           Bays
           should
           quarrel
           with
           the
           Handle
           ,
           by
           reason
           of
           its
           Pagan
           extraction
           ,
           he
           is
           to
           be
           informed
           that
           a
           certain
           Author
           ,
           who
           has
           lately
           obliged
           the
           World
           with
           a
           learned
           discourse
           concerning
           the
           Catacombs
           at
           Rome
           ,
           has
           demonstrated
           that
           worse
           Reliques
           ,
           in
           all
           probability
           ,
           are
           adored
           and
           worshipped
           every
           day
           in
           his
           
             Mother
             Church
          
           .
        
         
           And
           now
           I
           find
           I
           have
           transgressed
           somewhat
           too
           much
           upon
           the
           Readers
           patience
           in
           so
           tedious
           a
           Preamble
           ,
           but
           I
           have
           this
           comfort
           to
           carry
           along
           with
           me
           ,
           that
           I
           deal
           with
           an
           Adversary
           ,
           who
           cannot
           in
           Iustice
           reproach
           me
           for
           making
           a
           long
           Preface
           .
        
      
    
     
       
         
         
           St.
           IAMES's
           PARK
           .
        
         
           
             Crites
             ,
             Eugenius
          
           ,
           and
           Mr.
           Bays
           .
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             MR.
             Bays
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             prethee
             why
             in
             such
             haste
             man
             ?
             Have
             you
             forgot
             your
             old
             acquaintance
             ,
             that
             you
             pass
             by
             'em
             without
             taking
             the
             least
             notice
             of
             them
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Your
             pardon
             Gentlemen
             ,
             I
             protest
             I
             did
             not
             see
             you
             ;
             it
             is
             at
             least
             some
             twenty
             years
             ago
             (
             as
             I
             remember
             )
             since
             we
             had
             our
             last
             long
             discourse
             concerning
             Drammatick
             Poetry
             upon
             the
             Thames
             —
             But
             Gentlemen
             ,
             I
             am
             at
             present
             engaged
             elsewhere
             ,
             you
             see
             my
             Rosary
             and
             Beads
             ,
             and
             may
             guess
             for
             what
             place
             I
             am
             bound
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugenius
             .
          
           
             Prithee
             ,
             dear
             Bays
             ,
             adjourn
             this
             fit
             of
             Devotion
             to
             some
             more
             convenient
             time
             ,
             and
             let
             us
             take
             one
             Edifying
             Glass
             at
             the
             Rhenish-house
             ,
             yonder
             by
             Charing-Cross
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             As
             for
             the
             Tavern
             ,
             I
             desire
             to
             be
             excused
             ,
             I
             seldom
             appear
             at
             such
             unsanctify'd
             places
             ;
             you
             might
             as
             soon
             Cajole
             the
             Plain-dealer
             into
             Westminster-hall
             ,
             a
             Fanatick
             into
             a
             Play-house
             ,
             or
             an
             Usurer
             into
             a
             Suretiship
             ,
             as
             perswade
             me
             into
             a
             Tavern
             .
             Alas
             !
             I
             am
             not
             the
             man
             you
             took
             me
             for
             ;
             upon
             my
             Sincerity
             Mr.
             Eugenius
             ,
             I
             have
             not
             tasted
             a
             drop
             of
             Claret
             these
             two
             years
             ,
             but
             what
             I
             have
             met
             among
             Innocent
             Strawberries
             ,
             or
             in
             a
             Sawce
             ,
             or
             so
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             This
             renouncing
             of
             your
             Wine
             ,
             Friend
             Bays
             ,
             is
             a
             greater
             wonder
             to
             me
             ,
             than
             the
             renouncing
             of
             your
             Religion
             ;
             and
             I
             can
             scare
             fancy
             thee
             to
             be
             the
             same
             person
             thou
             wast
             formerly
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Why
             ,
             truly
             Gentlemen
             ,
             I
             dare
             not
             say
             of
             my self
             ,
             that
             I
             am
             the
             same
             individual-man
             I
             was
             some
             years
             ago
             ;
             for
             let
             me
             tell
             you
             ,
             Matter
             is
             in
             a
             perpetual
             Flux
             ,
             and
             the
             whole
             Mass
             both
             of
             Accidents
             and
             Substance
             are
             thrust
             away
             by
             the
             continual
             Succession
             of
             new
             ones
             .
             Now
             ,
             as
             I
             have
             not
             one
             drop
             of
             the
             same
             Blood
             ,
             nor
             one
             Particle
             of
             the
             same
             Clay
             about
             me
             which
             I
             had
             then
             ,
             so
             I
             thank
             my
             Stars
             ,
             I
             have
             not
             the
             least
             Tincture
             of
             that
             Religion
             left
             behind
             ,
             which
             engaged
             my
             former
             state
             of
             Ignorance
             ;
             that
             state
             I
             mean
             ,
             which
             I
             may
             more
             properly
             call
             the
             *
             Parenthesis
             of
             my
             Life
             ,
             than
             that
             wherein
             I
             was
             not
             acquainted
             with
             the
             Noble
             Lord
             to
             whom
             I
             dedicated
             my
             Limberham
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Faith
             ,
             little
             Bays
             ,
             I
             am
             so
             much
             of
             thy
             Opinion
             ,
             as
             to
             believe
             that
             after
             so
             many
             changes
             thou
             hast
             as
             well
             shifted
             the
             
             Christian
             as
             the
             man
             ;
             and
             I
             am
             perswaded
             ,
             we
             shall
             have
             more
             Religions
             contend
             for
             thee
             ,
             after
             thou
             art
             dead
             and
             rotten
             ,
             than
             Citys
             strove
             for
             the
             birth
             of
             a
             certain
             person
             of
             your
             own
             profession
             ;
             from
             whose
             Achilles
             ,
             you
             'd
             needs
             perswade
             the
             World
             that
             you
             copy'd
             the
             fierce
             Almanzor
             .
             I
             am
             told
             ,
             your
             friends
             of
             
               Dukes
               Place
            
             ,
             expect
             the
             next
             change
             you
             make
             should
             be
             to
             their
             Party
             ,
             which
             I
             suppose
             may
             be
             the
             more
             easily
             effected
             ,
             unless
             you
             are
             bribed
             beforehand
             by
             a
             Chiaux
             with
             the
             government
             of
             a
             Turkish
             Hospital
             ,
             because
             two
             of
             their
             best
             Kings
             ,
             and
             most
             of
             their
             Prophets
             were
             Poetically
             given
             ;
             and
             I
             see
             no
             reason
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             after
             you
             have
             traded
             somewhat
             longer
             in
             Parable
             ,
             and
             Allegory
             ,
             but
             that
             you
             may
             step
             in
             among
             their
             Minor
             Prophets
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             O
             Sir
             ,
             your
             Servant
             ;
             But
             I
             'll
             allow
             men
             of
             your
             Perswasion
             to
             be
             Scurrillous
             ,
             't
             is
             the
             distinguishing
             Character
             of
             your
             Church
             ;
             and
             I
             expect
             e're
             long
             ,
             your
             Bear-garden
             ,
             and
             Bartholomew-Fair
             Men
             ,
             will
             arrive
             to
             such
             a
             pitch
             of
             Brutality
             and
             Irreligion
             ,
             as
             to
             discuss
             their
             Assemblies
             with
             an
             
               Ite
               Missa
               est
            
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             But
             why
             all
             this
             ado
             about
             Religion
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ?
             Why
             cannot
             we
             quit
             this
             Subject
             ,
             to
             make
             way
             for
             more
             Diverting
             Conversation
             ?
             Come
             Sir
             ,
             I
             'll
             show
             you
             some
             words
             which
             were
             made
             by
             a
             friend
             of
             mine
             ,
             upon
             that
             dismal
             noise
             and
             hurry
             we
             have
             lately
             had
             among
             the
             Traders
             in
             Controversie
             ,
             if
             you
             'll
             vouchsafe
             them
             the
             hearing
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             With
             all
             my
             heart
             Sir
             ,
             provided
             there
             are
             no
             touches
             upon
             the
             Government
             ,
             no
             subtle
             Insinuations
             ,
             no
             —
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             Not
             so
             much
             as
             one
             single
             Reflection
             Mr.
             Bays
             .
             
               
                 
                   Let
                   the
                   Motly
                   dull
                   Herd
                   for
                   Religion
                   engage
                   ,
                
                 
                   Let
                   them
                   urge
                   the
                   Dispute
                   with
                   Clamor
                   and
                   Rage
                   ;
                
                 
                   Let
                   your
                   Authors
                   keep
                   on
                   the
                   vain
                   method
                   of
                   writing
                   ,
                
                 
                   And
                   set
                   (
                   if
                   they
                   can
                   )
                   both
                   your
                   partys
                   a
                   fighting
                   :
                
                 
                   We
                   ne're
                   make
                   replys
                   ,
                   but
                   are
                   fully
                   contented
                   ,
                
                 
                   Tho
                   good
                   Fellows
                   and
                   Drink
                   have
                   been
                   misrepresented
                   .
                
              
               
                 
                   Let
                   their
                   musty
                   grave
                   Volumes
                   to
                   Thames-street
                   adjourn
                   ,
                
                 
                   Or
                   rot
                   in
                   Duck-lane
                   ,
                   or
                   in
                   Coffee-house
                   burn
                   :
                
                 
                   Let
                   the
                   Monarch
                   of
                   France
                   keep
                   his
                   Subjects
                   at
                   home
                   ,
                
                 
                   And
                   forbid
                   the
                   Mad
                   Zealots
                   abroad
                   for
                   to
                   roam
                   ,
                
                 
                   So
                   he
                   lets
                   his
                   boon
                   Claret
                   but
                   cross
                   the
                   kind
                   Main
                   ,
                
                 
                   We
                   shall
                   never
                   be
                   angry
                   ;
                   we
                   shall
                   never
                   complain
                   .
                
              
            
          
           
             What
             do
             you
             say
             to
             these
             lines
             now
             Mr.
             Bays
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             The
             last
             turn
             there
             upon
             the
             French
             Protestants
             ,
             is
             well
             enough
             rally'd
             ,
             but
             the
             rest
             is
             exceeding
             profane
             :
             And
             pray
             good
             Mr.
             Eugenius
             ,
             will
             you
             advise
             your
             Friend
             from
             me
             ,
             to
             employ
             his
             Talent
             to
             a
             better
             use
             ,
             and
             squander
             no
             more
             of
             it
             in
             Sonnet
             .
             You
             cannot
             imagine
             what
             a
             Mortification
             it
             is
             for
             a
             noble
             Author
             ,
             who
             has
             ,
             at
             the
             great
             expence
             of
             
             his
             fancy
             ,
             writ
             something
             which
             is
             vigorous
             and
             fine
             ,
             to
             have
             his
             Song
             tagg'd
             with
             half
             a
             dozen
             gouty
             Stanza's
             ,
             by
             a
             Grub-street-hand
             ,
             then
             advanced
             into
             a
             Ballad
             ;
             and
             last
             of
             all
             ,
             plaister'd
             up
             in
             a
             Country
             Ale-house
             ,
             to
             confront
             the
             five
             Senses
             ,
             and
             the
             four
             Seasons
             of
             the
             year
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             Indeed
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             this
             is
             very
             hard
             usage
             as
             I
             take
             it
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             You
             may
             believe
             me
             Sir
             ,
             't
             is
             one
             of
             the
             greatest
             afflictions
             in
             the
             World
             ,
             for
             I
             have
             had
             most
             of
             my
             best
             words
             so
             served
             ;
             and
             therefore
             if
             your
             friend
             finds
             him
             inclined
             to
             write
             ,
             there
             are
             several
             places
             of
             
               Casimire
               ,
               Urban
            
             ,
             and
             Scribonius
             ,
             that
             deserve
             his
             consideration
             .
             Oh!
             there
             's
             an
             Epigram
             in
             Scribonius
             ,
             which
             I
             could
             repeat
             forty
             times
             a
             day
             ,
             and
             never
             be
             weary
             on
             't
             ;
             the
             subject
             so
             divine
             ,
             the
             language
             so
             excellent
             ,
             the
             thought
             so
             noble
             ,
             
               
                 Lac
                 Matris
                 miscere
                 volo
                 cum
                 Sanguine
                 Nati
                 ,
              
               
                 Non
                 possum
                 antidoto
                 nobiliore
                 frui
                 .
              
            
             I
             'll
             give
             you
             a
             Copy
             of
             it
             Mr.
             Eugenius
             ,
             if
             you
             'll
             promise
             me
             to
             use
             your
             interest
             among
             any
             of
             your
             acquaintance
             to
             get
             it
             Translated
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             I
             'll
             see
             Mr.
             Bays
             what
             may
             be
             done
             ,
             though
             I
             fear
             I
             shall
             not
             succeed
             .
             But
             prithee
             ,
             once
             more
             ,
             Dear
             Rogne
             ,
             let
             me
             ask
             thee
             what
             news
             about
             the
             Town
             ?
             What
             Plays
             ?
             What
             Lampoons
             ?
             What
             Operas
             ?
             What
             Sonnets
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Troth
             Sir
             I
             can't
             tell
             ,
             for
             of
             late
             I
             have
             not
             herded
             with
             those
             Graceless
             Rake-hells
             the
             Poets
             of
             the
             Town
             :
             and
             as
             for
             the
             Gazette
             ,
             I
             consult
             it
             as
             seldom
             as
             a
             Quaker
             does
             the
             Concordance
             ,
             or
             a
             Physician
             the
             Bible
             .
             —
             But
             because
             I
             see
             by
             my
             Watch
             I
             have
             half
             an
             hour
             good
             ,
             if
             you
             please
             ,
             Gentlemen
             ,
             to
             take
             a
             turn
             or
             two
             in
             these
             Walks
             ,
             I
             will
             for
             our
             old
             acquaintance
             sake
             ,
             impart
             a
             secret
             to
             you
             ,
             which
             give
             me
             leave
             to
             tell
             you
             ,
             is
             the
             most
             astonishing
             ,
             the
             most
             surprizing
             ,
             the
             most
             uncommon
             ;
             and
             if
             you
             make
             a
             right
             use
             of
             it
             ,
             the
             most
             useful
             secret
             in
             the
             Universe
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Dear
             Bays
             ,
             thou
             art
             always
             so
             obliging
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Hold
             —
             Are
             the
             Walks
             clear
             ?
             So
             —
             Why
             then
             ,
             Gentlemen
             ,
             to
             my
             certain
             knowledge
             ,
             the
             Conflagration
             is
             at
             hand
             :
             and
             't
             is
             as
             impossible
             for
             the
             World
             to
             continue
             above
             ten
             years
             ,
             as
             't
             is
             for
             a
             Town-Debauch
             to
             live
             as
             long
             as
             one
             of
             the
             Patriarchs
             before
             the
             Flood
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Faith
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             this
             ,
             as
             you
             say
             ,
             is
             the
             most
             surprizing
             secret
             imaginable
             .
             And
             now
             to
             return
             you
             one
             secret
             for
             another
             ,
             I
             believe
             if
             this
             secret
             were
             communicated
             to
             the
             World
             ,
             it
             would
             ruine
             the
             Ensuring
             Office
             ,
             to
             all
             intents
             and
             purposes
             :
             For
             who
             the
             Devil
             wou'd
             give
             Money
             to
             have
             his
             Houses
             Ensured
             ,
             and
             the
             Uuiversal
             Burnfire
             so
             nigh
             ?
             But
             prithee
             ,
             little
             Bays
             ,
             tell
             me
             how
             you
             came
             by
             this
             Secret
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             After
             the
             most
             strange
             ,
             unconceiveable
             manner
             in
             the
             whole
             World.
             The
             Story
             is
             somewhat
             of
             the
             longest
             ,
             and
             therefore
             ,
             Gentlemen
             ,
             if
             you
             have
             any
             occasions
             to
             call
             you
             aside
             ,
             at
             present
             ,
             I
             'd
             defer
             it
             till
             some
             more
             agreeable
             opportunity
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Oh
             by
             no
             means
             ,
             Sir
             ;
             we
             have
             no
             business
             at
             this
             time
             to
             divert
             
             us
             ,
             or
             if
             we
             had
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             we
             would
             freely
             sacrifice
             it
             ,
             tho
             it
             were
             a
             Female
             assignation
             ,
             to
             have
             the
             honour
             of
             your
             company
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Sir
             ,
             you
             perfectly
             overwhelm
             your
             humble
             Servant
             with
             kindness
             .
             But
             to
             proceed
             to
             the
             Relation
             —
             You
             are
             to
             understand
             that
             in
             the
             year
             1685.
             some
             three
             weeks
             before
             my
             Conversion
             —
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Hold
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             were
             you
             no
             Christian
             at
             all
             before
             that
             time
             ?
             What
             had
             become
             of
             your
             immaterial
             part
             ,
             if
             you
             had
             dropt
             off
             before
             this
             late
             Conversion
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Lost
             assuredly
             ,
             and
             in
             as
             wretched
             a
             condition
             as
             the
             poor
             Gentleman
             that
             wou'd
             have
             begged
             a
             little
             Small-beer
             of
             Abraham
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Why
             then
             ,
             I
             find
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             you
             have
             more
             Charity
             for
             the
             Heathens
             than
             most
             of
             your
             fellow
             Christians
             ;
             for
             in
             a
             certain
             piece
             of
             yours
             ,
             which
             shall
             be
             nameless
             ,
             but
             may
             easily
             be
             known
             by
             a
             remarkable
             passage
             in
             the
             Preface
             ,
             that
             says
             ,
             you
             believe
             a
             Popish
             Plot
             :
             in
             this
             piece
             of
             yours
             ,
             I
             say
             ,
             you
             make
             no
             question
             at
             all
             of
             a
             Heathens
             Salvation
             ,
             provided
             he
             live
             but
             up
             to
             the
             Principles
             of
             Nature
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             So
             I
             say
             still
             ;
             but
             where
             did
             you
             ever
             find
             a
             Protestant
             ,
             or
             a
             Mahometan
             ,
             live
             up
             to
             the
             sober
             Principles
             of
             Nature
             ?
             
               
                 The
                 Iolly
                 Luther
                 ,
                 reading
                 him
                 ,
                 began
              
               
                 To
                 Interpret
                 Scripture
                 by
                 the
                 Alcoran
                 .
              
            
             But
             all
             this
             while
             we
             are
             beside
             our
             Story
             —
             and
             therefore
             ,
             to
             begin
             it
             again
             ,
             you
             must
             know
             that
             at
             the
             time
             above-mention'd
             ,
             it
             was
             my
             fortune
             to
             go
             down
             the
             River
             as
             far
             as
             Greenwich
             ,
             with
             some
             honest
             Irish
             Gentlemen
             of
             my
             acquaintance
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Under
             favour
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             how
             durst
             you
             hazard
             your self
             among
             any
             of
             that
             Nation
             ,
             since
             you
             had
             put
             so
             gross
             an
             affront
             upon
             them
             ,
             in
             a
             certain
             Oxford
             Prologue
             ?
             
               
                 
                 Rogues
                 ,
                 that
                 like
                 Cain
                 ,
                 are
                 branded
                 with
                 Disgrace
                 ,
              
               
                 And
                 wear
                 the
                 Country
                 Stamp'd
                 upon
                 their
                 Face
                 .
              
            
          
           
             Truly
             ,
             Sir
             ,
             if
             I
             had
             said
             half
             so
             much
             of
             the
             
               Dear
               Ioys
            
             as
             this
             amounts
             to
             ,
             I
             should
             have
             been
             as
             loath
             to
             have
             trusted
             my self
             in
             Irish
             Company
             ,
             as
             I
             should
             be
             now
             to
             trust
             my
             only
             Bottle
             of
             Vsquebah
             with
             an
             Irish
             Servant
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Trust
             my self
             ,
             quoth
             a
             !
             I
             perceive
             Mr.
             Eugenius
             ,
             your
             friend
             Crites
             ,
             is
             very
             ignorant
             in
             these
             affairs
             .
             Why
             ,
             Lord
             Sir
             !
             No
             man
             that
             is
             acquainted
             with
             me
             ,
             thinks
             the
             better
             of
             himself
             for
             my
             commending
             him
             ,
             nor
             ought
             ,
             I
             'm
             sure
             ,
             to
             think
             himself
             a
             farthing
             the
             worse
             for
             my
             Lampooning
             him
             :
             Did
             you
             think
             I
             could
             have
             flatter'd
             so
             many
             quibbling
             ,
             overgrown
             Lords
             ,
             as
             I
             have
             done
             in
             my
             time
             ,
             or
             have
             Libell'd
             so
             many
             honourable
             Persons
             of
             both
             Sexes
             ,
             from
             whom
             I
             never
             received
             the
             least
             disobligement
             :
             And
             mean
             all
             really
             ?
             No
             ,
             no
             —
             When
             I
             commend
             any
             body
             ,
             it
             is
             either
             a
             little
             foolish
             Interest
             ,
             or
             the
             gayety
             of
             my
             Humour
             ,
             that
             inclines
             me
             to
             it
             :
             And
             when
             I
             touch
             upon
             the
             Coast
             of
             Satyr
             ,
             't
             is
             not
             ,
             I
             vow
             to
             Gad
             ,
             out
             of
             any
             Malice
             (
             for
             a
             true
             Poet
             ,
             like
             a
             true
             Jilt
             ,
             is
             neither
             acted
             by
             real
             love
             ,
             nor
             real
             anger
             )
             but
             only
             ,
             as
             they
             say
             ,
             Dr.
             Busby
             
             sometimes
             whips
             his
             Boys
             at
             Westminster
             ,
             for
             my
             Health
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             and
             the
             purging
             of
             Choler
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             I
             find
             then
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             the
             passing
             of
             an
             Illnatured
             Jest
             upon
             a
             man
             ,
             is
             much
             like
             the
             passing
             away
             a
             bad
             Half-crown
             at
             a
             Tavern
             ;
             you
             don't
             do
             it
             out
             of
             any
             particular
             spleen
             to
             the
             House
             ,
             but
             only
             to
             shut
             your
             hands
             of
             a
             cumbersome
             piece
             .
             Bu
             t
             ,
             pray
             did
             not
             you
             mean
             really
             when
             you
             made
             that
             noble
             Panegyrick
             to
             
               Oliver
               Cromwel
            
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Not
             I
             ,
             I
             protest
             to
             you
             Sir
             ,
             't
             was
             my
             own
             advantage
             I
             consider'd
             ,
             and
             not
             any
             kindness
             to
             the
             person
             which
             inflamed
             me
             ;
             for
             you
             must
             note
             ,
             't
             is
             much
             the
             same
             case
             with
             us
             Poets
             ,
             as
             't
             is
             with
             the
             Iews
             ,
             no
             sooner
             can
             a
             Heroe
             start
             up
             in
             any
             part
             of
             the
             World
             (
             let
             his
             quarrel
             be
             right
             or
             wrong
             )
             but
             both
             of
             us
             are
             apt
             to
             think
             him
             the
             Messias
             ,
             and
             presently
             pitch
             upon
             him
             as
             the
             fittest
             person
             to
             deliver
             the
             Twelve
             Tribes
             ,
             and
             the
             Nine
             Muses
             out
             of
             Captivity
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Then
             let
             me
             tell
             you
             ,
             the
             Usurper
             was
             the
             less
             beholding
             to
             you
             ▪
             but
             methinks
             whatever
             your
             sentiments
             were
             of
             the
             man
             ,
             you
             had
             a
             great
             kindness
             for
             your
             Subject
             :
             You
             spoke
             as
             many
             lofty
             things
             concerning
             it
             ,
             as
             any
             occasion
             you
             ever
             handled
             in
             your
             life
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             That
             may
             be
             .
             But
             always
             observe
             this
             as
             an
             infallible
             rule
             ,
             from
             your
             friend
             Bays
             !
             If
             you
             write
             Panegyric
             ,
             tho
             you
             have
             done
             your
             utmost
             ,
             and
             said
             ten
             times
             more
             than
             the
             person
             deserves
             ,
             be
             sure
             to
             tell
             him
             that
             you
             have
             not
             passed
             through
             half
             the
             inventory
             of
             his
             Vertues
             ,
             and
             wanted
             a
             Genius
             to
             manage
             so
             extraordinary
             an
             affair
             to
             any
             advantage
             .
             But
             if
             you
             Lampoon
             any
             party
             ,
             forget
             not
             to
             make
             them
             sensible
             of
             the
             civil
             usage
             they
             have
             received
             from
             your
             hands
             ;
             as
             your
             City
             Tradesmen
             ,
             when
             they
             have
             exacted
             double
             the
             price
             of
             any
             commodity
             ,
             stick
             not
             to
             tell
             you
             they
             have
             used
             you
             kindly
             :
             And
             though
             your
             stock
             is
             all
             exhausted
             ,
             and
             you
             cou'd
             not
             say
             one
             malicious
             word
             more
             to
             save
             your
             life
             ,
             yet
             pretend
             that
             you
             cou'd
             go
             ten
             mile
             further
             ,
             if
             you
             pleas'd
             to
             continue
             in
             that
             surly
             humour
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             I
             perceive
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             you
             have
             often
             made
             use
             of
             this
             expedient
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Very
             often
             Sir
             ,
             but
             to
             avoid
             prolixity
             I
             'll
             only
             produce
             you
             two
             instances
             of
             it
             at
             present
             .
          
           
             
               They
               may
               think
               themselves
               to
               be
               too
               roughly
               handled
               in
               this
               paper
               ,
               but
               I
               who
               know
               best
               how
               far
               I
               could
               have
               gone
               on
               this
               Subject
               ,
            
             
             
               must
               be
               bold
               to
               tell
               them
               they
               are
               spared
               .
            
          
           
             
               They
               who
               can
               Criticize
               so
               weakly
               ,
               as
               to
               imagine
               that
               I
               have
               done
               my
               worst
               ,
            
             
             
               may
               be
               convinced
               at
               their
               own
               cost
               ,
               that
               I
               can
               write
               severely
               ,
               with
               more
               ease
               than
               I
               can
               gently
               .
            
          
           
             And
             I
             find
             this
             conduct
             is
             extreamly
             serviceable
             to
             a
             man
             when
             all
             his
             quiver
             is
             spent
             ;
             for
             the
             party
             concerned
             must
             needs
             find
             themselves
             indebted
             to
             the
             person
             ,
             who
             so
             generously
             spares
             them
             ,
             when
             they
             lye
             all
             at
             his
             mercy
             :
             And
             as
             for
             the
             unconcerned
             part
             of
             Mankind
             ,
             at
             the
             same
             time
             they
             applaud
             your
             generosity
             ,
             for
             giving
             off
             when
             you
             might
             have
             utterly
             confounded
             your
             Enemys
             with
             the
             other
             blow
             ;
             so
             they
             must
             certainly
             
             admire
             the
             inexhaustible
             store
             of
             your
             wit
             ,
             that
             can
             advance
             forward
             ,
             and
             still
             urge
             something
             that
             is
             new
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             But
             pray
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             suppose
             the
             world
             should
             not
             believe
             a
             man
             that
             tells
             such
             and
             such
             things
             of
             himself
             ,
             where
             lyes
             the
             jest
             then
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Why
             then
             ,
             I
             tell
             you
             Sir
             ,
             that
             the
             world
             would
             be
             very
             uncivil
             I
             ▪
             gad
             ,
             and
             all
             that
             ;
             if
             the
             World
             should
             offer
             to
             question
             the
             Sincerity
             of
             an
             Author
             who
             makes
             so
             open
             and
             so
             free
             a
             discovery
             of
             his
             own
             abilities
             .
             For
             between
             our selves
             ,
             Gentlemen
             ,
             I
             think
             an
             Authors
             bare
             word
             in
             his
             Preface
             ,
             as
             Sacred
             as
             a
             Peers
             attestation
             upon
             his
             honour
             ,
             and
             ought
             no
             more
             to
             be
             disputed
             than
             the
             Traditions
             of
             the
             Church
             ,
             or
             the
             Priviledges
             of
             Parliament
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             And
             to
             my
             certain
             knowledge
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             both
             those
             things
             are
             more
             subject
             to
             be
             disputed
             and
             examined
             ,
             than
             any
             two
             things
             in
             the
             Universe
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Ay
             ,
             and
             so
             have
             Prefaces
             too
             been
             examined
             by
             your
             peevish
             ,
             ill-humour'd
             ,
             Tobacco-taking
             Criticks
             ,
             whose
             censures
             I
             mind
             no
             more
             ●gad
             ,
             than
             a
             Bully
             of
             the
             Town
             minds
             the
             swearing
             forfeits
             in
             a
             Fanatick
             Ordinary
             .
             But
             this
             signifies
             nothing
             as
             long
             as
             the
             greater
             part
             of
             Mankind
             make
             no
             enquiry
             into
             the
             matter
             ,
             but
             swallow
             it
             by
             Whole-sale
             :
             And
             surely
             Sir
             ,
             you
             may
             rely
             upon
             my
             Opinion
             in
             this
             affair
             ;
             I
             that
             have
             Blasphem'd
             the
             Gods
             ,
             Huss'd
             Kings
             ,
             libell'd
             Princes
             ,
             laughed
             at
             all
             Religions
             ,
             scandalized
             City
             and
             Court
             ;
             and
             in
             my
             anger
             spared
             no
             Sex
             ,
             no
             Country
             ,
             no
             Age
             ,
             nor
             Order
             ,
             nor
             Degree
             ;
             but
             I'Gad
             thrown
             my
             Bombs
             promiscuously
             at
             all
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             How
             escaped
             you
             a
             hanging
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             you
             that
             have
             been
             so
             universal
             an
             Aggressor
             ?
             Methinks
             the
             least
             that
             could
             be
             done
             to
             you
             ,
             had
             been
             to
             have
             sent
             you
             a
             grazing
             to
             Malmsbury
             Common
             ,
             among
             some
             of
             Mr.
             Hobbs's
             well-bred
             Citizens
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             A
             little
             private
             discipline
             I
             have
             met
             with
             I
             must
             confess
             ;
             an
             Almanac
             or
             so
             beaten
             into
             my
             Bones
             ,
             but
             that
             's
             nothing
             at
             all
             to
             a
             man
             of
             a
             true
             passive
             constitution
             .
             But
             ,
             as
             I
             told
             you
             before
             ,
             no
             man
             of
             tollerable
             sense
             thinks
             either
             the
             worse
             of
             me
             or
             of
             himself
             ,
             for
             having
             his
             name
             exposed
             in
             any
             of
             my
             Satyrs
             ;
             and
             that
             's
             the
             reason
             why
             so
             few
             people
             give
             themselves
             the
             unnecessary
             trouble
             to
             batter
             my
             Tabernacle
             .
             I
             bless
             my
             Genius
             for
             it
             ,
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             I
             have
             not
             that
             respect
             for
             any
             person
             breathing
             ,
             as
             to
             lose
             a
             good
             thought
             for
             his
             sake
             ;
             and
             I
             have
             almost
             as
             strong
             inclinations
             to
             suffer
             Martyrdom
             for
             my
             Wit
             as
             for
             my
             Religion
             :
             'T
             is
             the
             love
             to
             the
             jest
             ,
             not
             any
             private
             picque
             to
             the
             man
             ,
             that
             sets
             me
             upon
             such
             hazardous
             undertakings
             ,
             as
             Prentices
             on
             a
             Shrove-Tuesday
             ,
             use
             to
             demolish
             Bawdy-houses
             ,
             tho
             they
             have
             not
             the
             least
             disrespect
             to
             those
             noble
             places
             of
             pleasure
             and
             convenience
             .
             I
             have
             insisted
             upon
             this
             point
             the
             more
             largely
             ,
             because
             I
             wou'd
             once
             for
             all
             ,
             undeceive
             the
             world
             as
             to
             this
             particular
             ;
             and
             let
             them
             know
             ,
             that
             a
             man
             may
             possibly
             lash
             three
             parts
             of
             the
             Creation
             with
             his
             Pen
             ,
             who
             at
             the
             same
             time
             has
             not
             the
             least
             grudge
             or
             quarrel
             to
             any
             individual
             person
             thereof
             .
             —
             And
             now
             worthy
             Gentlemen
             ,
             if
             you
             please
             to
             afford
             me
             the
             hearing
             ,
             I
             will
             recount
             my
             triumphs
             
             to
             you
             ,
             which
             are
             as
             large
             as
             the
             Universe
             ,
             and
             as
             extensive
             as
             Mankind
             .
             I
             survey
             my
             Victories
             with
             a
             Savage
             joy
             ,
             and
             in
             the
             greatness
             of
             my
             imagination
             ,
             despise
             all
             the
             Caesars
             and
             Alexanders
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             What
             Enthusiastical
             hint
             has
             seized
             thee
             now
             little
             Bays
             ,
             I
             profess
             I
             understand
             thee
             no
             more
             than
             a
             Fifth-Monarchy
             Comment
             upon
             the
             Revelations
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Understand
             me
             !
             no
             :
             How
             the
             Devil
             shou'd
             you
             understand
             me
             !
             Now
             I
             speak
             in
             my
             Son
             Almanzors
             blustering
             vein
             .
             But
             Gentlemen
             ,
             to
             deliver
             my self
             in
             a
             style
             which
             is
             a
             little
             more
             familiar
             to
             your
             apprehensions
             ,
             I
             design
             to
             run
             through
             the
             circle
             of
             my
             Conquests
             ,
             and
             name
             you
             the
             Nations
             I
             have
             triumph'd
             over
             ,
             and
             all
             the
             degrees
             of
             Mankind
             ,
             I
             have
             assaulted
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             With
             what'l
             prethee
             Mr.
             Bays
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             With
             my
             Wit
             Man
             :
             It
             could
             never
             enter
             into
             the
             Sphere
             of
             your
             imagination
             sure
             ,
             to
             suppose
             a
             Poet
             could
             conquer
             whole
             Kingdoms
             with
             his
             Sword.
             
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             No
             I
             can
             assure
             you
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             for
             I
             ever
             thought
             a
             Poet
             as
             unfit
             and
             unlikely
             a
             man
             to
             subdue
             Kingdoms
             with
             his
             Sword
             ,
             as
             Convert
             Kingdoms
             with
             his
             Arguments
             .
             But
             let
             me
             request
             you
             then
             to
             begin
             with
             your
             Nations
             ,
             for
             I
             long
             as
             much
             to
             be
             made
             acquainted
             with
             your
             Victories
             ,
             as
             a
             fumbling
             Alderman
             does
             to
             hear
             the
             happy
             news
             that
             he
             has
             got
             an
             Heir
             apparent
             to
             his
             Law-band
             and
             Satten-doublet
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             Tho
             you
             cannot
             say
             Mr.
             Bays
             with
             the
             Heroe
             in
             Shakespear
             ,
             that
             the
             World
             's
             your
             Oyster
             ,
             aud
             you
             have
             opened
             it
             with
             your
             Sword
             ;
             yet
             you
             may
             safely
             say
             the
             World
             's
             your
             Sheet
             of
             Paper
             ,
             and
             you
             have
             blotted
             it
             with
             your
             Ink.
             
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             You
             are
             much
             in
             the
             right
             on
             't
             Sir.
             Now
             the
             first
             Country
             I
             pitch
             upon
             shall
             be
             Holland
             ,
             and
             I
             think
             in
             one
             Distich
             I
             have
             done
             the
             States
             more
             Injury
             ,
             than
             the
             French
             King
             did
             them
             in
             71
             with
             all
             his
             Bombs
             and
             Granadoes
             ;
             but
             pray
             mind
             them
             Gentlemen
             .
             
               
                 
                 They
                 Cheat
                 ,
                 but
                 still
                 from
                 Cheating
                 Sires
                 they
                 come
                 ,
              
               
                 They
                 Drink
                 ,
                 but
                 they
                 were
                 Christen'd
                 first
                 in
                 Mum.
                 
              
            
             Here
             I
             'm
             sure
             the
             whole
             Common-wealth
             is
             concern'd
             one
             way
             or
             another
             ;
             their
             Merchants
             ,
             Burgomasters
             ,
             and
             in
             effect
             ,
             all
             the
             trading
             part
             of
             the
             Republick
             are
             arraign'd
             for
             Cheating
             their
             Seamen
             ;
             professors
             of
             all
             Sciences
             ,
             and
             Divines
             are
             likewise
             reflected
             upon
             for
             Drinking
             .
             Don't
             you
             think
             now
             friend
             Crites
             ,
             but
             that
             half
             the
             Min-heers
             will
             be
             ready
             to
             hang
             themselves
             in
             the
             very
             reading
             of
             this
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             No
             indeed
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             if
             it
             be
             true
             what
             you
             have
             remark'd
             before
             ,
             that
             no
             man
             of
             tolerable
             sense
             would
             show
             himself
             concerned
             at
             any
             of
             your
             Libels
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             That
             's
             true
             ;
             no
             man
             of
             sense
             I
             grant
             ,
             wou'd
             hang
             himself
             for
             the
             matter
             ,
             but
             surely
             you
             'll
             allow
             me
             that
             a
             man
             of
             little
             or
             no
             sense
             may
             do
             such
             a
             thing
             ;
             and
             if
             so
             ,
             what
             person
             fitter
             than
             a
             Dutchman
             .
             I
             'll
             tell
             you
             Gentlemen
             ,
             a
             Dutchmans
             Soul
             circulates
             no
             more
             than
             the
             Butter-milk
             he
             has
             in
             his
             Veins
             ,
             but
             Stagnates
             like
             nasty
             Water
             in
             a
             Kennel
             :
             He
             's
             made
             
             of
             Mud
             ,
             and
             not
             of
             Clay
             ;
             and
             consequently
             in
             my
             poor
             Opinion
             ,
             has
             no
             title
             to
             any
             of
             those
             promises
             that
             were
             made
             to
             the
             Sons
             of
             Adam
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Pray
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             why
             so
             severe
             upon
             this
             industrious
             Nation
             ?
             Methinks
             at
             this
             time
             of
             day
             they
             deserve
             some
             little
             favour
             at
             your
             hands
             ,
             if
             it
             were
             only
             for
             their
             indulgence
             to
             all
             perswasions
             ,
             and
             leaving
             every
             man
             to
             the
             free
             disposal
             ,
             and
             soveraignty
             over
             his
             own
             Conscience
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             That
             circumstauce
             as
             you
             observe
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             does
             somewhat
             atone
             for
             their
             other
             sins
             ;
             but
             for
             all
             that
             ,
             I
             cannot
             heartily
             forgive
             them
             ,
             for
             like
             a
             Phlegmatick
             ,
             Sun-begotten
             Tribe
             as
             they
             are
             ,
             they
             have
             not
             had
             the
             grace
             to
             produce
             one
             Poet
             ,
             either
             since
             their
             first
             Rebellion
             ,
             when
             they
             excluded
             the
             Sea
             from
             his
             Hereditary
             Provinces
             ;
             or
             since
             their
             latter
             defection
             ,
             when
             they
             pass'd
             the
             same
             Bill
             of
             Exclusion
             upon
             the
             Spaniards
             .
             So
             much
             for
             the
             Butter-boxes
             —
             and
             now
             at
             the
             Messieurs
             ,
             and
             of
             them
             I
             have
             said
             so
             many
             tart
             bitter
             things
             ,
             that
             I
             gad
             ,
             I
             cannot
             tell
             which
             to
             chuse
             at
             present
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             And
             to
             the
             best
             of
             my
             remembrance
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             you
             have
             spoke
             abundance
             of
             fine
             complaisant
             things
             in
             praise
             of
             those
             Airy
             Gentlemen
             .
             You
             have
             commended
             their
             Language
             ,
             the
             freedom
             of
             their
             Conversation
             ,
             the
             gallantry
             of
             their
             Amours
             ,
             their
             Civility
             ,
             their
             Wit
             —
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Oh
             Sir
             ,
             there
             was
             a
             great
             deal
             of
             reason
             for
             it
             ;
             for
             much
             about
             that
             time
             ,
             Mr.
             Eugenius
             ,
             a
             certain
             Staffordshire
             Gentleman
             was
             pleased
             to
             Dedicate
             to
             me
             a
             very
             Ingenious
             *
             Book
             ,
             I
             vow
             to
             Gad
             ,
             in
             which
             Dedication
             ,
             after
             several
             other
             Complements
             ,
             he
             tells
             me
             that
             Monsieur
             Rapin
             ,
             one
             of
             the
             greatest
             Criticks
             of
             this
             Age
             ,
             had
             studied
             English
             on
             purpose
             to
             learn
             my
             Poems
             :
             Now
             this
             I
             thought
             was
             such
             a
             particular
             condescension
             ,
             such
             an
             extraordinary
             sign
             of
             respect
             shown
             to
             me
             and
             my
             works
             ,
             that
             I
             found
             my self
             obliged
             in
             Conscience
             to
             speak
             all
             the
             tender
             pretty
             things
             I
             cou'd
             in
             behalf
             of
             the
             French
             Nation
             .
             But
             when
             ,
             after
             a
             long
             run
             ,
             I
             was
             given
             to
             understand
             that
             it
             was
             only
             a
             complement
             of
             my
             Friend
             ,
             and
             that
             Monsieur
             Rapin
             was
             not
             furnished
             with
             English
             enough
             to
             qualifie
             him
             for
             a
             City-Intelligencers
             Secretary
             ,
             or
             an
             Accomptant
             to
             a
             Mackarel-boat
             ,
             I
             presently
             reassum'd
             my
             old
             temper
             ,
             and
             gave
             the
             Messieurs
             no
             quarter
             at
             all
             ,
             as
             may
             appear
             by
             a
             thousand
             passages
             since
             ,
             too
             numerous
             to
             be
             cited
             at
             present
             :
             Nay
             ,
             to
             pursue
             my
             malice
             to
             the
             utmost
             extremity
             ,
             I
             prevailed
             with
             my
             acquaintance
             at
             this
             end
             of
             the
             Town
             to
             wear
             Shoulder-knots
             no
             longer
             ,
             to
             discard
             the
             janty
             Cravat-string
             ,
             and
             the
             ceremonious
             Muff
             ,
             and
             what
             was
             the
             hardest
             case
             of
             all
             ,
             I
             absolutely
             refus'd
             to
             naturalize
             one
             word
             that
             was
             of
             French
             extraction
             for
             the
             space
             of
             two
             years
             .
             The
             next
             that
             comes
             upon
             the
             Stage
             is
             the
             melancholly
             Spaniard
             ,
             with
             a
             stride
             and
             a
             stand
             ,
             like
             a
             Peacock
             in
             a
             backside
             ;
             and
             the
             truth
             on
             't
             is
             ,
             tho
             I
             ought
             to
             have
             shown
             him
             some
             civility
             for
             that
             divine
             ,
             that
             immortal
             invention
             of
             making
             Snuff
             ,
             yet
             when
             my
             hand
             is
             in
             ,
             I
             neither
             spare
             friend
             nor
             foe
             ;
             and
             I
             have
             not
             only
             maul'd
             the
             poor
             Don
             with
             the
             Quarter-staff
             of
             Prose
             ,
             but
             also
             with
             the
             Back-Sword
             of
             Verse
             ;
             
               
               
                 
                 Their
                 Patrimonial
                 Sloth
                 the
                 Spaniards
                 ,
                 keep
                 ,
              
               
                 And
                 Philip
                 first
                 taught
                 Philip
                 how
                 to
                 sleep
                 .
              
            
             Pray
             Gentlemen
             mind
             that
             dead-doing
             Epithet
             Patrimonial
             ,
             by
             which
             I
             inform
             the
             World
             that
             the
             Castalians
             have
             their
             laziness
             bequeath'd
             to
             'em
             by
             their
             Parents
             ,
             as
             well
             as
             the
             Majestick
             Cloak
             ,
             the
             starch'd
             Golilia
             ,
             the
             diminutive
             Breeches
             ,
             and
             the
             trusty
             Dagger
             ;
             and
             so
             with
             one
             circumbendibus
             (
             to
             use
             my
             own
             Fryer
             Dominicks
             expression
             )
             I
             lash
             the
             precedent
             Ages
             ,
             at
             the
             same
             time
             that
             I
             chastise
             the
             present
             Generation
             .
             Nor
             have
             the
             
               Ultra
               montani
            
             ,
             the
             Italians
             met
             with
             better
             entertainment
             ,
             but
             are
             attack'd
             and
             ridicul'd
             in
             their
             own
             dearly-beloved
             diversions
             of
             Harlequin
             and
             Scaramouchi
             .
             
               
                 The
                 Italian
                 Merry
                 Andrews
                 took
                 the
                 place
                 ,
              
               
                 
                 And
                 quite
                 debauch'd
                 the
                 Stage
                 with
                 lewd
                 grimace
                 ;
              
               
                 Instead
                 of
                 Wit
                 and
                 Language
                 ,
                 your
                 delight
              
               
                 Was
                 there
                 to
                 see
                 two
                 Hobby-horses
                 fight
                 .
              
            
             But
             because
             I
             hate
             the
             dull
             ,
             insipid
             ,
             phlegmatic
             way
             of
             conquering
             Kingdoms
             singly
             ,
             I
             here
             storm
             all
             the
             Universe
             at
             one
             instant
             :
             
               
                 Where
                 Banish'd
                 Vertue
                 wilt
                 thou
                 show
                 thy
                 face
                 ,
              
               
                 
                 If
                 Treachery
                 infects
                 thy
                 Indian
                 Race
                 .
              
            
             In
             the
             first
             Verse
             here
             I
             suppose
             Virtue
             gone
             from
             the
             old
             World
             ,
             which
             I
             protest
             is
             exceeding
             tart
             and
             Satyrical
             ;
             and
             in
             the
             next
             I
             cunningly
             insinuate
             that
             her
             Ladiship
             is
             not
             to
             be
             found
             in
             
               Mexico
               ,
               Peru
            
             ,
             or
             any
             of
             the
             Tobacco-plantations
             ;
             and
             consequently
             that
             she
             is
             not
             to
             be
             met
             with
             any
             where
             upon
             the
             face
             of
             the
             Earth
             .
             And
             now
             ,
             because
             it
             would
             be
             a
             very
             unkind
             ,
             not
             to
             say
             an
             uncivil
             part
             ,
             in
             Madam
             Conscience
             to
             loyter
             ,
             and
             squander
             away
             her
             time
             here
             amongst
             Mortals
             ,
             when
             her
             Cousin-german
             Virtue
             was
             gone
             to
             better
             quarters
             in
             another
             World
             ,
             I
             get
             a
             
               Habeas
               Corpus
            
             for
             her
             also
             ,
             but
             at
             the
             same
             time
             was
             so
             civil
             to
             the
             modest
             Virgin
             ,
             as
             to
             allow
             her
             the
             liberty
             of
             leaving
             a
             Reverend
             old
             Gentlewoman
             ,
             Interest
             by
             name
             ,
             to
             do
             her
             drudgery
             ,
             and
             supply
             her
             place
             in
             her
             absence
             ,
             which
             I
             gad
             I
             think
             she
             does
             every
             whit
             as
             well
             ,
             if
             not
             better
             .
             And
             this
             passage
             I
             have
             excellently
             well
             touch'd
             in
             a
             late
             Poem
             of
             mine
             ,
             which
             we
             may
             take
             occasion
             to
             discourse
             of
             more
             largely
             by
             and
             by
             .
             
               
                 
                 Immortal
                 Powers
                 the
                 term
                 of
                 Conscience
                 know
                 ,
              
               
                 But
                 Int'rest
                 is
                 her
                 name
                 with
                 men
                 below
                 .
              
            
             As
             for
             the
             Swedes
             ,
             the
             Danes
             ,
             the
             Swisses
             ,
             the
             
               Laplanders
               ,
               &c.
            
             
             I
             let
             'em
             alone
             ,
             because
             they
             are
             a
             poor
             scandalous
             sort
             of
             people
             ,
             do
             you
             observe
             ,
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             and
             not
             able
             to
             defray
             the
             expences
             of
             a
             Conqueror
             ;
             but
             then
             as
             for
             Scotland
             —
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Why
             I
             thought
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             that
             Scotland
             was
             no
             more
             able
             to
             defray
             the
             expences
             of
             a
             Conqueror
             than
             Lapland
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             No
             more
             it
             is
             not
             ,
             but
             at
             that
             time
             my
             Passion
             prevail'd
             over
             my
             interest
             ,
             and
             pray
             Sir
             take
             notice
             how
             I
             have
             lashed
             that
             Nation
             .
             
               
                 
                 Clean
                 Linnen
                 there
                 wou'd
                 be
                 a
                 dang'rous
                 thing
                 ,
              
               
                 The
                 Scot
                 that
                 wore
                 it
                 wou'd
                 be
                 chosen
                 King.
                 
              
            
             
             And
             now
             ,
             because
             I
             am
             never
             to
             be
             reconciled
             to
             the
             Scots
             ,
             for
             more
             than
             one
             or
             two
             reasons
             ,
             you
             shall
             have
             me
             e're
             long
             set
             out
             an
             History
             of
             their
             Reformation
             ,
             where
             I
             design
             to
             acquaint
             the
             world
             ,
             that
             the
             true
             reason
             of
             their
             demolishing
             Religious
             Houses
             ,
             and
             decrying
             the
             Surplice
             ever
             since
             ,
             was
             not
             for
             any
             Superstition
             ,
             as
             they
             pretend
             ,
             but
             only
             because
             they
             could
             not
             furnish
             half
             your
             Clergy
             with
             clean
             Linnen
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Pray
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             is
             it
             not
             high
             time
             now
             to
             think
             of
             steering
             our
             course
             homewards
             ?
             Methinks
             we
             have
             made
             a
             pretty
             handsome
             ramble
             on
             't
             this
             Morning
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Sir
             ,
             I
             thank
             you
             for
             your
             seasonable
             advice
             ,
             and
             design
             to
             follow
             it
             ,
             though
             it
             was
             once
             in
             my
             thoughts
             (
             being
             so
             nigh
             the
             place
             )
             to
             have
             stept
             out
             of
             Scotland
             ,
             and
             made
             a
             little
             tour
             in
             the
             Duke
             of
             Saxonys
             Country
             ,
             to
             see
             the
             ravage
             which
             the
             Baptist
             Boar
             has
             made
             in
             the
             German
             Forrests
             ,
             afterwards
             to
             have
             unearth'd
             a
             Socinian
             Fox
             ,
             with
             some
             of
             the
             Duke
             of
             Newburgh's
             Catholick
             Terriers
             in
             the
             Plains
             of
             Poland
             ;
             and
             lastly
             ,
             to
             have
             fetch'd
             a
             compass
             round
             the
             Country
             as
             far
             as
             Geneva
             ,
             to
             beg
             a
             Presbyterian
             whelp
             of
             Calvins
             last
             litter
             ,
             in
             order
             to
             train
             him
             up
             at
             Long-Acre
             ,
             to
             bark
             at
             Ceremonies
             ,
             and
             the
             Episcopal
             Church
             .
             —
             But
             upon
             second
             considerations
             ,
             `
             I
             think
             it
             better
             to
             make
             all
             the
             sail
             we
             can
             for
             little
             England
             ▪
             and
             so
             Gentlemen
             ,
             you
             are
             heartily
             welcome
             ,
             as
             I
             may
             say
             ,
             to
             your
             Native
             Country
             again
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Troth
             Sir
             ,
             I
             must
             needs
             own
             my self
             a
             little
             weary
             ,
             after
             so
             tedious
             a
             walk
             ,
             but
             if
             you
             please
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             pray
             let
             us
             know
             what
             you
             have
             to
             say
             to
             old
             Albion
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             With
             all
             my
             heart
             Mr.
             Crites
             .
             Now
             there
             being
             but
             three
             remarkable
             places
             in
             the
             whole
             Island
             ,
             that
             is
             the
             two
             Universities
             ,
             and
             the
             great
             Metropolitan
             City
             ;
             I
             shall
             consequently
             confine
             my
             discourse
             only
             to
             them
             :
             But
             first
             of
             all
             ,
             I
             must
             tell
             you
             ,
             that
             I
             am
             altogether
             of
             my
             Lord
             Plausibles
             Opinion
             in
             the
             Plain-dealer
             ;
             If
             I
             chance
             to
             commend
             any
             place
             or
             order
             of
             men
             out
             of
             pure
             friendship
             ,
             I
             choose
             to
             do
             it
             before
             their
             Faces
             ;
             and
             if
             I
             have
             occasion
             to
             speak
             ill
             of
             any
             person
             or
             place
             ,
             out
             of
             a
             principle
             of
             respect
             and
             good
             manners
             ,
             I
             do
             it
             behind
             their
             backs
             .
             You
             cannot
             imagine
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             when
             I
             visit
             either
             of
             the
             two
             Universities
             in
             my
             own
             person
             ,
             or
             by
             my
             Commissioners
             of
             the
             Play-house
             ,
             how
             much
             I
             am
             taken
             with
             a
             Colledge-life
             .
             Oh
             there
             's
             nothing
             like
             a
             Cheese
             cut
             out
             into
             farthings
             ;
             and
             my
             Lord
             Mayor
             amidst
             all
             his
             brutal
             City-luxury
             ,
             does
             not
             dine
             half
             so
             well
             as
             a
             Student
             upon
             a
             single
             Chop
             of
             Rotten-roasted
             Mutton
             ;
             nay
             ,
             I
             can
             scarce
             prevail
             with
             my self
             for
             a
             month
             or
             two
             after
             to
             eat
             my
             meat
             on
             a
             Plate
             ,
             so
             great
             a
             respect
             have
             I
             for
             a
             University-Trencher
             ;
             and
             then
             their
             Conversation
             is
             so
             learned
             ,
             and
             withal
             so
             innocent
             ,
             that
             I
             could
             sit
             a
             whole
             day
             together
             at
             a
             Coffee-house
             to
             hear
             them
             dispute
             about
             
               Actus
               perspicui
            
             ,
             and
             
               Forma
               misti
            
             .
             From
             this
             beginning
             I
             naturally
             fall
             a
             railing
             at
             London
             ,
             with
             as
             much
             zeal
             as
             a
             Buckingbam-shire
             Grazier
             who
             had
             his
             Pockets
             pick'd
             at
             a
             Smith-field
             entertainment
             ,
             or
             a
             Country
             Lady
             whose
             obsequious
             Knight
             has
             spent
             his
             estate
             among
             Misses
             ,
             
             Vintners
             ,
             Linnen-drapers
             ▪
             and
             then
             I
             tell
             my
             audience
             ,
             that
             a
             man
             may
             walk
             farther
             in
             the
             City
             to
             meet
             a
             true
             Judge
             of
             Poetry
             ,
             than
             ride
             his
             Horse
             on
             Salisbury
             Plain
             to
             find
             a
             House
             .
             
               
                 
                 London
                 likes
                 grossly
                 ,
                 but
                 this
                 nicer
                 Pit
              
               
                 Examines
                 ,
                 Fathoms
                 ,
                 all
                 the
                 depths
                 of
                 Wit.
                 
              
            
             You
             see
             here
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             that
             Scholars
             won't
             take
             Alderman
             Duncombs
             Leaden-half-pence
             for
             Irish
             Half-crowns
             ,
             while
             a
             dull
             Londoner
             swallows
             every
             thing
             ;
             and
             takes
             it
             with
             as
             little
             consideration
             ,
             as
             a
             true
             Romanist
             takes
             a
             Spiritual
             dose
             of
             Beleits
             that
             are
             Seal'd
             up
             with
             the
             Council
             of
             Trents
             Coat
             of
             Arms.
             
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             How
             was
             that
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             about
             the
             Council
             of
             Trent
             ?
             Pray
             let
             us
             hear
             it
             again
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Gad
             forgive
             me
             for
             't
             —
             it
             dropt
             from
             me
             e're
             I
             was
             aware
             ,
             but
             I
             shall
             in
             time
             wear
             off
             this
             hitching
             in
             my
             gate
             ,
             and
             walk
             in
             Catholick
             Trammels
             as
             well
             as
             the
             best
             of
             them
             ;
             nature
             I
             must
             confess
             ,
             is
             not
             overcome
             on
             the
             sudden
             —
             But
             let
             me
             see
             Gentlemen
             ,
             whether
             I
             have
             any
             more
             lines
             to
             our
             last
             purpose
             ;
             Oh
             here
             they
             are
             !
             
               
                 
                 —
                 Poetry
                 ,
                 which
                 is
                 in
                 Oxford
                 made
              
               
                 An
                 Art
                 ,
                 in
                 London
                 only
                 is
                 a
                 Trade
                 .
              
               
                 Our
                 Poet
                 ,
                 could
                 he
                 find
                 forgiveness
                 here
                 ,
              
               
                 Would
                 wish
                 it
                 rather
                 than
                 a
                 Plaudit
                 there
                 .
              
            
             You
             are
             sensible
             without
             question
             ,
             how
             little
             beholding
             the
             City
             is
             to
             me
             ,
             when
             I
             am
             upon
             my
             progress
             elsewhere
             .
             But
             't
             is
             a
             comfort
             that
             this
             peremptory
             humour
             does
             not
             continue
             long
             upon
             me
             .
             For
             as
             I
             have
             the
             grace
             to
             disown
             my
             Mother-University
             ,
             with
             a
             Jug
             in
             one
             hand
             ,
             and
             a
             Link
             in
             the
             other
             ,
             when
             I
             am
             at
             Oxford
             .
             
               
                 
                 Thebes
                 ,
                 did
                 his
                 green
                 unknowing
                 years
                 engage
                 ,
              
               
                 He
                 chooses
                 Athens
                 in
                 his
                 riper
                 age
                 .
              
            
             So
             when
             I
             am
             got
             amongst
             my
             honest
             acquaintance
             here
             in
             Covent-Garden
             ,
             I
             disown
             both
             the
             Sisters
             ,
             and
             make
             my self
             as
             merry
             as
             a
             Grig
             with
             their
             greasy
             Trenchers
             ,
             rusty
             Salt-sellers
             ,
             and
             no
             Napkins
             ;
             with
             their
             everlasting
             drinking
             ,
             and
             no
             intervals
             of
             Fornication
             to
             relieve
             it
             .
             In
             fine
             ,
             I
             make
             a
             great
             scruple
             of
             it
             ,
             whether
             it
             be
             possible
             for
             a
             man
             to
             write
             sound
             Heroicks
             ,
             and
             make
             an
             accomplish'd
             through-pac'd
             Wit
             ,
             unless
             he
             comes
             to
             refine
             and
             cultivate
             himself
             at
             London
             ;
             unless
             he
             knows
             how
             many
             Stories
             high
             the
             Houses
             are
             in
             Cheap-side
             and
             Fleet-street
             ,
             is
             acquainted
             with
             all
             the
             gaming
             Ordinaries
             about
             Town
             ,
             and
             the
             rates
             of
             Porters
             ,
             and
             Hackney-Coachmen
             ;
             has
             shot
             the
             Bridge
             ,
             seen
             the
             Tombs
             at
             Westminster
             ,
             heard
             the
             Wooden-head
             speak
             ,
             can
             tell
             you
             where
             the
             Ensuring
             Office
             is
             kept
             ,
             and
             which
             of
             the
             Twelve
             Companys
             has
             the
             honour
             of
             precedence
             .
          
           
             Thus
             I
             have
             been
             as
             good
             as
             my
             promise
             ,
             in
             naming
             the
             Citys
             and
             Countrys
             to
             you
             ,
             which
             I
             have
             had
             occasion
             in
             my
             time
             to
             visit
             .
             Now
             for
             the
             several
             orders
             and
             ranks
             of
             men
             ,
             that
             have
             felt
             the
             indignation
             of
             my
             Satyr
             .
          
           
             The
             first
             that
             I
             begin
             with
             shall
             be
             that
             
               ●tourdy
               bete
            
             ,
             that
             humble
             admirer
             
             of
             Jost
             and
             Quibble
             ,
             the
             Melancholy
             Clergyman
             ▪
             Come
             out
             therefore
             Mr.
             Levite
             ,
             by
             what
             Names
             or
             Titles
             soever
             dignified
             and
             distinguished
             .
             Prethee
             observe
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             how
             dejected
             tho
             poor
             Passive
             Rogue
             look●●
             How
             
               Mal
               a
               droitly
            
             he
             makes
             his
             entrance
             ,
             like
             Mrs.
             Days
             Heir
             apparent
             in
             the
             Committee
             :
             And
             by
             my
             Faith
             he
             has
             a
             great
             deal
             of
             reason
             for
             't
             —
             For
             first
             and
             formost
             ,
             in
             my
             Postscript
             to
             the
             Siege
             of
             Granada
             ,
             I
             have
             imputed
             the
             Corruption
             of
             our
             Language
             and
             Eloquence
             ,
             to
             their
             dull
             way
             of
             haranguing
             in
             the
             Pulpit
             .
             A
             heavy
             charge
             this
             same
             I
             protest
             to
             you
             ,
             and
             how
             they
             'll
             answer
             it
             this
             Term
             at
             the
             Kings-Bench
             I
             can't
             tell
             ;
             but
             I
             am
             sure
             of
             this
             ,
             if
             it
             had
             not
             been
             for
             some
             of
             the
             
               beaux
               esprits
            
             of
             this
             end
             of
             the
             Town
             ,
             and
             for
             my self
             in
             particular
             ,
             who
             chearfully
             assisted
             in
             so
             charitable
             a
             work
             ,
             and
             left
             no
             stone
             unturn'd
             to
             enrich
             and
             refine
             our
             Native
             Tongue
             ,
             we
             had
             e're
             this
             ,
             been
             reduc'd
             to
             as
             miserable
             a
             state
             of
             Parbarity
             as
             our
             Forefathers
             were
             in
             the
             time
             of
             the
             Saxon
             Heptarchy
             —
             In
             the
             next
             place
             ,
             I
             have
             chastiz'd
             the
             Clergy
             with
             a
             vengeance
             ▪
             for
             
             engrossing
             Laysins
             ,
             as
             they
             have
             done
             Lay-preferments
             to
             themselves
             ,
             and
             scarce
             leaving
             the
             poor
             Laity
             that
             uncomfortable
             subsistence
             of
             a
             Tenth
             part
             ;
             for
             putting
             the
             Paniers
             of
             their
             Church-discipline
             upon
             us
             when
             we
             are
             young
             ,
             and
             afterwards
             (
             which
             is
             my
             greatest
             quarrel
             to
             the
             whole
             Tribe
             )
             for
             loading
             us
             with
             a
             Wife
             ,
             which
             they
             cannot
             ease
             us
             of
             ,
             though
             both
             parties
             are
             fully
             agreed
             for
             a
             divorce
             .
             Lastly
             ,
             to
             make
             short
             work
             on
             't
             ,
             and
             not
             give
             my self
             the
             trouble
             of
             distinguishing
             between
             Church
             and
             Church
             ,
             and
             the
             professors
             of
             this
             ,
             and
             t'other
             perswasion
             ,
             I
             arraign
             the
             whole
             Fraternity
             from
             London
             to
             Iapan
             for
             a
             pack
             of
             Jugglers
             and
             Impostors
             .
             
               
                 
                 This
                 set
                 the
                 Heathen
                 Priesthood
                 in
                 a
                 flame
                 ,
              
               
                 For
                 Priests
                 of
                 all
                 Religions
                 are
                 the
                 same
                 .
              
            
             That
             last
             line
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             unless
             I
             am
             mistaken
             ,
             touches
             the
             Copy-hold
             of
             all
             these
             spiritual
             Gentlemen
             ,
             from
             a
             Christian
             Patriarch
             ,
             down
             to
             an
             Indian
             Bramyn
             ;
             now
             I
             fancy
             you
             are
             apt
             to
             imagine
             ,
             when
             you
             see
             a
             Pagan
             Priest
             severely
             used
             in
             any
             of
             my
             Plays
             ,
             that
             I
             had
             no
             further
             design
             in
             my
             head
             ,
             than
             to
             ridicule
             that
             party
             ,
             but
             I
             must
             take
             the
             freedom
             to
             assure
             you
             of
             the
             contrary
             ;
             For
             as
             it
             was
             the
             policy
             of
             the
             Fanaticks
             in
             their
             late
             famous
             Procession
             on
             Queen
             Besse's
             night
             ,
             to
             wound
             the
             Established
             Church
             through
             the
             sides
             of
             the
             Romanists
             ;
             so
             it
             has
             over
             been
             my
             Method
             ,
             to
             do
             'em
             the
             same
             injury
             through
             the
             sides
             of
             Pagans
             .
             But
             to
             give
             you
             a
             clearer
             Satisfaction
             in
             the
             matter
             ;
             carry
             this
             instance
             along
             with
             you
             .
             —
             In
             my
             Oedipus
             ,
             I
             bring
             in
             a
             certain
             ●●t
             speaking
             to
             the
             People
             ,
             to
             make
             way
             for
             the
             old
             Tiresias
             to
             pass
             ,
             Don't
             tread
             on
             the
             Blind
             Prophets
             Corns
             (
             says
             he
             )
             we
             ought
             to
             show
             him
             respect
             ,
             because
             he
             says
             he
             comes
             from
             the
             Gods.
             Ay
             ,
             Ay
             ,
             replies
             a
             Neighbour
             ,
             whom
             I
             had
             tutor'd
             before
             at
             Long-Acre
             ▪
             He
             's
             not
             the
             sooner
             to
             be
             belived
             for
             saying
             so
             ,
             all
             of
             the
             Profession
             can
             pretend
             as
             much
             as
             that
             for
             themselves
             —
             and
             so
             Gentlemen
             for
             the
             future
             if
             you
             find
             me
             expose
             ,
             kick
             ,
             and
             toss
             some
             poor
             Heathen-Priest
             in
             a
             Blanket
             ,
             you
             may
             be
             sure
             I
             mean
             some
             sleepy
             Prebend
             of
             a
             Cathedral
             ,
             or
             
             else
             some
             Imprimatur-man
             ,
             who
             lives
             at
             the
             Scandal-office
             ,
             a
             Bishops
             Chaplain
             .
             Now
             if
             you
             please
             Mr.
             Levite
             ,
             to
             go
             about
             your
             lawful
             occasions
             ,
             you
             may
             
               Presto
               vade
            
             be
             gone
             ,
             and
             make
             room
             for
             the
             Fraternity
             of
             Poets
             to
             enter
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Methinks
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             if
             you
             had
             observed
             the
             true
             Order
             ,
             your
             Lawyers
             and
             Physicians
             ought
             to
             have
             succeeded
             the
             Divines
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             
          
           
             So
             they
             should
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             if
             I
             had
             any
             reason
             now
             to
             introduce
             them
             upon
             the
             Stage
             :
             But
             I
             was
             ever
             master
             of
             so
             much
             Christian
             Prudence
             ,
             I
             bless
             my
             Stars
             for
             it
             ,
             as
             not
             to
             meddle
             with
             the
             Velvet-coat
             and
             Urinal
             ,
             or
             the
             Green
             Bag
             ,
             and
             long
             Robe
             ;
             for
             as
             I
             have
             had
             from
             my
             Cradle
             a
             greater
             regard
             to
             the
             Welfare
             of
             my
             Body
             than
             my
             Soul
             ,
             so
             I
             was
             always
             so
             circumspect
             ,
             as
             to
             consider
             that
             a
             Physician
             might
             revenge
             his
             quarrel
             upon
             my
             Tenement
             of
             Clay
             ,
             and
             the
             Lawyer
             either
             hang
             me
             ,
             or
             ruine
             my
             Cause
             ,
             when
             I
             was
             to
             appear
             before
             him
             ,
             and
             he
             made
             a
             Judge
             .
             But
             as
             for
             your
             Divines
             ,
             you
             may
             as
             safely
             assault
             them
             as
             a
             Herd
             of
             naked
             Indians
             ,
             (
             otherwise
             you
             may
             swear
             a
             Poet
             durst
             never
             venture
             to
             invade
             them
             so
             often
             )
             they
             have
             only
             a
             pointless
             poor
             Weapon
             ,
             Curtana
             by
             name
             ,
             to
             defend
             themselves
             ;
             and
             as
             my
             Son
             Gomez
             well
             observes
             ,
             if
             there
             were
             no
             more
             in
             Excommunication
             than
             the
             Churches
             Censure
             ,
             a
             wise
             man
             wou'd
             lick
             his
             Conscience
             whole
             with
             a
             wet
             finger
             .
             —
          
           
             As
             for
             the
             Poets
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             of
             which
             Company
             I
             am
             the
             present
             Master
             ,
             they
             are
             without
             doubt
             ,
             the
             poorest
             Company
             about
             Town
             ,
             (
             tho
             at
             the
             same
             time
             the
             largest
             ,
             if
             you
             take
             in
             the
             City
             Writers
             ,
             and
             the
             out-lying
             Deer
             in
             the
             Suburbs
             )
             and
             to
             the
             best
             of
             my
             knowledge
             ,
             cannot
             say
             they
             have
             produc'd
             one
             Lord
             Mayor
             ,
             one
             Alderman
             ,
             one
             Sheriff
             ;
             nay
             ,
             scarce
             one
             Common-Council-man
             or
             Constable
             ,
             since
             the
             Conquest
             :
             They
             are
             besides
             ,
             a
             very
             ill-natured
             ,
             querulous
             ,
             complaining
             sort
             of
             men
             ,
             much
             of
             the
             same
             constitution
             with
             the
             Old
             Hebrews
             ;
             always
             railing
             at
             Fortune
             ,
             and
             damning
             their
             own
             Function
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             And
             in
             my
             opinion
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             't
             is
             as
             preposterous
             a
             way
             in
             these
             Gentlemen
             to
             endeavour
             to
             recommend
             their
             profession
             to
             the
             World
             by
             railing
             at
             it
             ,
             as
             to
             think
             to
             Palm
             a
             bad
             Play
             upon
             an
             Audience
             ,
             by
             calling
             them
             Fools
             and
             Sots
             ,
             and
             Hobby-horses
             ,
             in
             the
             Prologue
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             'T
             is
             very
             true
             Sir
             ,
             and
             therefore
             the
             rest
             of
             Mankind
             have
             generally
             the
             discretion
             to
             speak
             well
             of
             their
             own
             present
             condition
             ;
             your
             Married
             men
             to
             wheedle
             more
             Company
             into
             the
             Magick
             Circle
             ,
             can
             say
             a
             hundred
             pleasant
             things
             of
             the
             conveniences
             of
             Matrimony
             ;
             nay
             a
             Scotchman
             shall
             inlarge
             as
             much
             in
             commendation
             of
             his
             own
             ragged
             Country
             ,
             as
             a
             Millenese
             for
             Lombardy
             .
             But
             Poets
             ,
             as
             I
             told
             you
             before
             ,
             are
             the
             only
             men
             in
             the
             Universe
             that
             rail
             at
             their
             own
             calling
             ,
             and
             upon
             this
             very
             score
             ,
             think
             they
             may
             be
             somewhat
             excused
             for
             making
             bold
             with
             other
             men
             ,
             and
             other
             profession
             .
             For
             my
             part
             ,
             I
             have
             taken
             better
             and
             wiser
             methods
             ,
             't
             is
             but
             telling
             the
             world
             that
             my
             Maker
             is
             an
             Almighty
             Poet
             ,
             and
             the
             Ball
             we
             live
             in
             a
             true
             ,
             sublime
             ,
             well
             contrived
             Heroids
             Poem
             ,
             and
             the
             honour
             of
             our
             vocation
             is
             sufficiently
             secur'd
             from
             any
             scandals
             that
             may
             
             afterwards
             be
             fastned
             upon
             it
             .
             I
             must
             confess
             I
             never
             had
             a
             good
             word
             from
             my
             Brethren
             the
             Poets
             ,
             nor
             they
             from
             me
             ,
             since
             I
             presided
             in
             the
             Chair
             :
             But
             a
             man
             may
             very
             well
             allow
             the
             losers
             the
             liberty
             of
             talking
             ,
             and
             I
             am
             apt
             to
             flatter
             my self
             that
             my
             assuming
             the
             Glorious
             Title
             of
             Poet
             Universal
             ,
             and
             degrading
             the
             rest
             of
             my
             Brethren
             so
             far
             ,
             as
             to
             make
             them
             take
             all
             their
             Commissions
             from
             my
             own
             hands
             ,
             was
             as
             great
             and
             as
             Politick
             an
             undertaking
             ,
             as
             —
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             But
             pray
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             oblige
             your
             old
             acquaintance
             so
             far
             ,
             as
             to
             let
             them
             know
             how
             you
             managed
             your self
             in
             this
             important
             affair
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             With
             all
             my
             heart
             ,
             for
             you
             cannot
             impose
             me
             a
             more
             grateful
             province
             than
             to
             recount
             my
             past
             labours
             ,
             and
             acquaint
             you
             from
             what
             inconsiderable
             beginnings
             I
             aspired
             to
             my
             present
             Grandeur
             and
             Dignity
             —
             In
             the
             first
             place
             ,
             after
             some
             years
             spent
             in
             the
             University
             ,
             I
             quitted
             all
             my
             preferment
             there
             to
             come
             and
             reside
             at
             the
             Imperial
             City
             ,
             because
             it
             was
             likely
             to
             prove
             a
             Scene
             of
             more
             advantage
             and
             business
             ,
             by
             reason
             of
             the
             great
             resort
             of
             strangers
             to
             it
             ,
             and
             likewise
             because
             it
             was
             the
             fittest
             place
             in
             the
             whole
             Island
             for
             a
             Monarch
             to
             settle
             his
             Court
             ,
             issue
             out
             orders
             for
             his
             Subjects
             at
             home
             ,
             and
             entertain
             a
             commerce
             with
             his
             Allys
             abroad
             .
             At
             first
             I
             struggled
             with
             a
             great
             deal
             of
             persecution
             ,
             took
             up
             with
             a
             lodging
             which
             had
             a
             Window
             no
             bigger
             than
             a
             Pocket-Looking-glass
             ,
             Dined
             at
             a
             Three-penny
             Ordinary
             enough
             to
             starve
             a
             Vocation
             Taylor
             ,
             kept
             little
             Company
             ,
             went
             clad
             in
             homely
             Drugget
             ,
             and
             drunk
             Wine
             as
             seldom
             as
             a
             Rechabite
             ,
             or
             the
             Seignior's
             Confessor
             .
             Much
             about
             this
             time
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             as
             you
             may
             very
             well
             remember
             ,
             I
             made
             my
             first
             addresses
             in
             Panegyric
             to
             
               Oliver
               Cromwell
            
             ,
             and
             that
             puissant
             Usurping
             Phocas
             had
             certainly
             conferr'd
             the
             Title
             of
             Oecumenical
             Universal
             Poet
             upon
             me
             ,
             if
             a
             Tempest
             had
             not
             hurried
             him
             out
             of
             the
             World
             before
             his
             time
             .
             —
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             Under
             favour
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             would
             not
             you
             have
             refus'd
             the
             Title
             ,
             coming
             from
             a
             person
             of
             his
             Charecter
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Refus'd
             it
             !
             No
             ,
             not
             I'gad
             :
             I
             beg
             your
             parder
             Sir
             ,
             a
             better
             person
             by
             far
             than
             your self
             was
             glad
             to
             accept
             the
             same
             Title
             from
             a
             worse
             hand
             ,
             no
             dispraise
             to
             the
             Protectors
             ,
             by
             the
             same
             token
             that
             his
             Successors
             have
             the
             grace
             to
             keep
             it
             to
             this
             present
             minute
             .
             Being
             unfortunately
             disappointed
             of
             my
             hopes
             in
             this
             place
             ,
             I
             tack'd
             about
             with
             the
             times
             ,
             and
             applyed
             my self
             to
             the
             Almighty
             Grandees
             at
             Court
             ,
             flatter'd
             Lords
             whom
             no
             body
             else
             would
             flatter
             ,
             but
             especially
             made
             it
             my
             business
             to
             win
             the
             affections
             of
             the
             Ladies
             ,
             who
             I
             knew
             had
             the
             disposal
             of
             their
             Husbands
             ;
             and
             consequently
             would
             prove
             sure
             Cards
             in
             time
             of
             need
             .
             Finding
             some
             little
             encouragement
             here
             ,
             and
             resolving
             to
             weather
             all
             storms
             that
             might
             happen
             ,
             I
             began
             to
             reform
             the
             Theatre
             ,
             and
             restore
             it
             (
             as
             I
             gave
             out
             )
             to
             its
             Primitive
             Splendour
             and
             Purity
             ,
             receiv'd
             the
             appeals
             of
             my
             younger
             Brethren
             of
             the
             Stage
             ,
             Coyned
             Heroes
             as
             fast
             as
             Brumingham-Groats
             ,
             dep●sed
             Kings
             ,
             divorced
             Qu●ees
             ,
             damn'd
             and
             ejected
             all
             those
             that
             oppos'd
             my
             Novel
             Constitutions
             ,
             and
             pretended
             to
             square
             themselves
             by
             uncorrupted
             antiquity
             :
             Lastly
             ,
             instead
             of
             sense
             ,
             reason
             ,
             and
             true
             passion
             ,
             I
             introduced
             
             nothing
             upon
             the
             Stage
             but
             meer
             Show
             and
             Pageantry
             ,
             Dancing
             ,
             Flying
             ,
             Singing
             ,
             Fighting
             ,
             Visions
             ,
             Dreams
             ,
             Exorcisms
             and
             Revelations
             ▪
             Charms
             ,
             Witchcrafts
             ,
             Fire
             and
             Gunpowder
             ,
             Thunder
             and
             Lightning
             ▪
             till
             at
             last
             Spirits
             and
             Apparitions
             turned
             out
             the
             men
             ,
             and
             poor
             Tragedy
             it self
             was
             swallowed
             up
             in
             an
             Opera
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             But
             pray
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             what
             did
             you
             say
             to
             
               Shakespear
               ,
               Iohnson
            
             ,
             and
             the
             rest
             of
             them
             ?
             Methinks
             your
             new-settled
             Monarchy
             should
             stand
             in
             a
             great
             deal
             of
             danger
             ,
             as
             long
             as
             these
             Authors
             continued
             in
             any
             respect
             and
             authority
             among
             the
             People
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             To
             prevent
             ,
             Sir
             ,
             all
             storms
             that
             might
             have
             issued
             from
             that
             quarter
             ,
             I
             presently
             set
             me
             up
             an
             
               Index
               expurgatorious
            
             ,
             by
             the
             virtue
             of
             which
             I
             so
             castrated
             these
             grave
             Old-fashioned
             Gentlemen
             ,
             so
             disguised
             their
             true
             features
             by
             putting
             them
             in
             modern
             apparel
             ,
             that
             upon
             the
             Stage
             ,
             few
             ,
             very
             few
             I'gad
             ,
             could
             distinguish
             their
             works
             from
             my
             own
             proper
             Legitimate
             productions
             .
             Then
             I
             fulminated
             Iohnsons
             affected
             Style
             ,
             his
             dull
             way
             of
             making
             Love
             ,
             his
             Thefts
             and
             mean
             Characters
             :
             Shakespears
             Ignorance
             ,
             long
             Periods
             ,
             and
             Barbarous
             Language
             :
             Fletchers
             want
             of
             a
             Gentlemans
             Education
             ;
             so
             often
             ,
             you
             do
             observe
             me
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             that
             scarce
             one
             in
             a
             hundred
             had
             the
             assurance
             to
             offer
             one
             good
             word
             in
             their
             behalf
             .
             Having
             made
             these
             advances
             ,
             I
             proceeded
             to
             Censure
             the
             living
             Poets
             with
             greater
             vigour
             and
             severity
             ,
             acquainted
             the
             world
             with
             the
             nullity
             of
             their
             Ordination
             ,
             and
             at
             the
             same
             time
             ,
             published
             a
             manifesto
             wherein
             I
             declar'd
             that
             the
             right
             of
             Investiture
             ,
             with
             a
             Playhouse
             Jilt
             and
             a
             Bottle
             ,
             solely
             and
             wholly
             belonged
             to
             my self
             ;
             that
             it
             should
             be
             lawful
             for
             a
             Poet
             to
             keep
             his
             Whore
             ,
             but
             whosoever
             offer'd
             to
             marry
             ,
             should
             
               ipso
               facto
            
             ,
             forfeit
             his
             allowance
             from
             the
             Theatre
             .
             That
             all
             the
             world
             besides
             lay
             under
             a
             mistake
             ,
             but
             only
             Mr.
             Bays
             was
             in
             the
             right
             .
             That
             the
             Stage
             had
             two
             great
             luminaries
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             and
             Mr.
             Batterton
             ,
             to
             enlighten
             it
             ,
             but
             that
             Mr.
             Bays
             was
             just
             as
             much
             bigger
             than
             Mr.
             Batterton
             ,
             as
             the
             Sun
             is
             bigger
             than
             the
             Moon
             ,
             Finally
             ,
             I
             owned
             my self
             to
             be
             Apollo's
             Vicar
             here
             upon
             Earth
             ,
             and
             Homer's
             Successor
             in
             the
             ancient
             and
             unerring
             See
             of
             Parnassus
             .
             That
             the
             decrees
             of
             Mr.
             Bays
             ought
             to
             be
             observed
             with
             the
             same
             deference
             as
             the
             decrees
             of
             Apollo
             .
             That
             all
             other
             Writers
             were
             to
             be
             judged
             by
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             but
             Mr.
             Bays
             was
             only
             accountable
             for
             his
             mistakes
             to
             Apollo
             himself
             .
             And
             then
             I
             threatned
             to
             suspend
             all
             those
             Poets
             from
             Stew'd
             Prunes
             ,
             Wine
             ,
             Fire
             and
             Tobacco
             ;
             nay
             ,
             to
             confine
             them
             
               durante
               vita
            
             ,
             to
             Temperance
             ,
             Sobriety
             ,
             and
             no
             Fornication
             ,
             who
             should
             presume
             to
             convene
             any
             Assemblies
             in
             Grub-street
             without
             my
             order
             ,
             or
             appeal
             from
             my
             Sentence
             to
             
               Aristotle
               ,
               Longinus
            
             ,
             or
             any
             other
             person
             whatsoever
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Dear
             Bays
             ,
             how
             I
             cou'd
             hug
             thee
             for
             this
             !
             Oh
             thou
             true
             and
             invincible
             Hildebrand
             of
             Poets
             !
             But
             prethee
             ,
             for
             more
             security
             ,
             get
             an
             Act
             of
             Parliament
             to
             confirm
             the
             Title
             to
             thee
             and
             thy
             Heirs
             for
             ever
             ,
             and
             the
             business
             is
             settled
             past
             dispute
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             There
             you
             hit
             me
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             and
             indeed
             I
             have
             designed
             such
             a
             thing
             a
             long
             while
             ago
             ,
             as
             I
             shall
             inform
             you
             presently
             at
             a
             better
             convenience
             .
             
             —
             But
             Gentlemen
             ,
             when
             I
             had
             thus
             in
             the
             plenitude
             of
             my
             power
             issued
             out
             the
             above-mentioned
             Decretal
             Epistles
             ,
             you
             cannot
             imagine
             what
             abundance
             of
             Adversaries
             I
             created
             my self
             ;
             some
             were
             for
             appealing
             to
             a
             free
             unbyass'd
             Synod
             of
             impartial
             Authors
             ,
             others
             were
             for
             suing
             out
             a
             
               Quo
               Warranto
            
             to
             examine
             the
             validity
             of
             my
             Charter
             .
             Not
             to
             mention
             those
             of
             higher
             quality
             ,
             I
             was
             immediately
             set
             upon
             by
             the
             fierce
             Elkanah
             ,
             the
             Empress
             of
             Morocco's
             Agent
             ,
             who
             at
             that
             time
             commanded
             a
             party
             of
             Moorish
             Horse
             ;
             in
             order
             to
             raise
             the
             Siege
             of
             Granada
             ;
             and
             a
             fat
             old
             gouty
             Gentleman
             ,
             commonly
             called
             the
             King
             of
             Basan
             ,
             who
             had
             almost
             devoured
             the
             Stage
             with
             free-quarter
             for
             his
             men
             of
             Wit
             ,
             and
             humourists
             :
             But
             ,
             I
             countermin'd
             all
             their
             designs
             against
             my
             Crown
             and
             Person
             in
             a
             moment
             ,
             for
             I
             presently
             got
             the
             one
             to
             be
             drest
             up
             in
             a
             Santenit
             ,
             under
             the
             unsanctified
             name
             of
             Doeg
             ;
             the
             other
             I
             coupled
             my self
             with
             his
             namesake
             
               Thomas
               Ster●h●l●
            
             :
             Being
             thus
             degraded
             from
             their
             Poetic
             function
             ,
             and
             made
             uncapable
             of
             Crowning
             Princes
             ,
             raising
             Ghosts
             ,
             and
             offering
             any
             more
             incense
             of
             Flattery
             to
             the
             living
             and
             the
             dead
             ,
             I
             delivered
             them
             over
             to
             the
             Secular
             arm
             to
             be
             chastised
             by
             the
             furious
             Dapper-wits
             of
             the
             Inns
             of
             Court
             ,
             and
             the
             young
             Critics
             of
             the
             University
             .
             Furthermore
             ,
             to
             prevent
             all
             infection
             of
             their
             errors
             ,
             I
             directed
             my
             Monitory
             Letters
             to
             the
             Sieur
             Batterton
             ,
             advising
             him
             to
             keep
             no
             correspondence
             ,
             either
             directly
             or
             indirectly
             ,
             with
             those
             aforesaid
             Apostates
             from
             Sense
             and
             Reason
             ;
             adding
             ,
             that
             in
             case
             of
             neglect
             ,
             I
             wou'd
             certainly
             put
             the
             Theatre
             under
             an
             interdict
             ,
             send
             a
             Troop
             of
             Dragoons
             from
             Drury-lane
             to
             demolish
             his
             Garrison
             in
             Salisbury-Court
             ;
             and
             absolve
             all
             his
             Subjects
             ,
             even
             the
             Sub-Deacons
             and
             Acolyths
             of
             the
             Stage
             ;
             his
             trusty
             Door-keepers
             and
             Candle-lighters
             from
             their
             Oaths
             of
             Fealty
             and
             Allegiance
             .
             There
             remains
             yet
             behind
             a
             little
             stammering
             Sonnetier
             ,
             whom
             I
             suspended
             
               a
               beneficio
            
             some
             two
             years
             ago
             for
             a
             Play
             of
             his
             called
             the
             Banditti
             ;
             but
             because
             he
             understands
             no
             more
             Latin
             than
             
               Iacta
               est
               alea
               ,
               Anguillam
               cauda
               tenes
               ,
            
             for
             which
             he
             quotes
             at
             second
             hand
             Erasmus's
             Adagies
             ,
             and
             consequently
             is
             not
             capable
             of
             forming
             any
             great
             designs
             against
             my
             Government
             ,
             I
             have
             forbore
             to
             treat
             him
             with
             any
             further
             severity
             ,
             and
             allow'd
             him
             the
             humble
             priviledge
             of
             charming
             Country
             Ladies
             ,
             and
             City-Prentices
             .
          
           
             Now
             clear
             the
             Stage
             of
             Poets
             —
             And
             enter
             thou
             Many-headed
             Beast
             ,
             the
             Mobile
             of
             England
             .
             It
             had
             been
             an
             endless
             piece
             of
             trouble
             ,
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             to
             have
             run
             over
             all
             those
             several
             parts
             which
             make
             up
             this
             heterogeneous
             Monster
             ;
             or
             to
             have
             treated
             the
             Inkle-weavers
             ,
             the
             Porters
             ,
             the
             Tankard-bearers
             ,
             the
             dealers
             in
             Ribbons
             ,
             News-books
             ,
             Wall-Divinity
             ,
             and
             Penny-Cust●rds
             ,
             and
             the
             rest
             of
             that
             Mechanical
             herd
             ,
             in
             a
             Chapter
             by
             themselves
             :
             Adam's
             naming
             all
             the
             Beasts
             in
             Paradice
             had
             been
             nothing
             to
             it
             .
             So
             in
             the
             twinkling
             of
             an
             eye
             I
             have
             ranked
             the
             Almighty
             Rabble
             in
             one
             continued
             line
             ,
             from
             〈◊〉
             to
             Charing-cross
             .
             But
             what
             do
             you
             think
             now
             will
             follow
             up
             in
             this
             same
             business
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Nay
             the
             Lord
             knows
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             for
             I
             can't
             imagine
             what
             should
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Why
             Sir
             no
             more
             than
             this
             ;
             if
             they
             reach'd
             two
             mile
             further
             ,
             I
             
             have
             a
             Verse
             for
             all
             that
             which
             shall
             go
             beyond
             'em
             :
             'T
             is
             a
             most
             exceeding
             sharp
             reflection
             upon
             the
             whole
             body
             ,
             but
             I'gad
             so
             cunningly
             disguised
             with
             a
             hard
             word
             or
             two
             ,
             that
             it
             is
             not
             in
             the
             capacity
             of
             every
             mean
             person
             to
             understand
             it
             :
             and
             I
             dare
             engage
             to
             speak
             it
             as
             safely
             before
             'em
             all
             ,
             as
             a
             Justice
             of
             Peace
             may
             quote
             a
             false
             Statute
             at
             a
             Sessions
             ,
             or
             a
             Priest
             may
             speak
             false
             Latine
             in
             giving
             the
             Absolution
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugenius
             .
          
           
             And
             I
             dare
             also
             engage
             for
             my
             part
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             before
             I
             hear
             what
             it
             is
             ,
             that
             this
             same
             Almighty
             Rabble
             of
             yours
             shall
             be
             apt
             to
             mistake
             it
             for
             a
             complement
             ,
             as
             some
             of
             their
             Predecessors
             before
             'em
             took
             
               Si
               populus
               vult
               decepi
            
             ,
             for
             a
             Patriarchal
             Benediction
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Pray
             Sir
             mind
             your
             own
             business
             ,
             and
             don
             't
             trouble
             your self
             for
             any
             concern
             of
             mine
             —
             But
             ,
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             you
             shall
             hear
             now
             with
             what
             freedom
             I
             have
             censur'd
             this
             fickle
             multitude
             ,
             this
             
               Neutrum
               modo
               ,
               mas
               modo
               vulgus
               :
            
             
               
                 Not
                 Truth
                 nor
                 Reason
                 make
                 thee
                 at
                 a
                 stay
                 ,
              
               
                 
                 Thou
                 leap'st
                 o're
                 all
                 —
              
            
             I
             find
             I
             must
             take
             breath
             again
             before
             I
             can
             compass
             it
             ,
             't
             is
             so
             very
             long
             —
             
               
                 Thou
                 leap'st
                 o're
                 all
                 eternal
                 Truths
                 in
                 thy
                 Pindaric
                 way
                 .
              
            
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             This
             is
             a
             cutter
             ,
             by
             my
             faith
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             it
             lashes
             somewhere
             with
             a
             vengeance
             ;
             and
             I
             am
             now
             perswaded
             if
             the
             Rabble
             did
             but
             understand
             how
             severely
             you
             have
             affronted
             'em
             ,
             that
             you
             'd
             have
             a
             greater
             Mutiny
             about
             your
             ears
             than
             the
             late
             Cow-keeper
             ,
             or
             Sir
             
               Nicholas
               Gimcrack
            
             in
             the
             Virtuoso
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             I
             am
             much
             of
             your
             opinion
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             but
             prithee
             is
             it
             not
             a
             noble
             Majestic
             Verse
             that
             last
             ?
             
               
                 Thou
                 leap'st
                 o're
                 all
                 eternal
                 —
              
            
             To
             tell
             you
             the
             truth
             ,
             I
             measur'd
             it
             not
             by
             my
             Fingers
             ,
             but
             a
             pair
             of
             Compasses
             ;
             and
             I
             dare
             safely
             say
             't
             is
             the
             longest
             line
             except
             one
             in
             Christendom
             .
             Now
             because
             you
             are
             my
             extraordinary
             good
             friends
             ,
             I
             will
             tell
             you
             whence
             I
             borrow'd
             the
             hint
             :
             It
             was
             my
             fortune
             once
             in
             my
             Travels
             to
             drop
             into
             a
             Country
             Ale-house
             ,
             where
             some
             few
             stories
             of
             the
             Old
             Testament
             were
             represented
             in
             very
             ancient
             Hangings
             :
             Amongst
             the
             rest
             ,
             that
             famous
             passage
             between
             Pharaoh
             and
             Moses
             was
             touch'd
             upon
             ,
             with
             some
             old-fashioned
             Poetry
             beneath
             it
             to
             explain
             the
             Figure
             ,
             and
             these
             individual
             lines
             that
             follow
             ,
             as
             I
             very
             well
             remember
             ,
             walked
             clearly
             round
             the
             room
             .
             
               
                 Why
                 was
                 not
                 be
                 a
                 Rascal
              
               
                 Who
                 refused
                 to
                 suffer
                 the
                 Children
                 of
                 Israel
                 to
                 go
                 into
                 tho
                 Wilderness
                 —
              
            
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             What
             have
             you
             not
             done
             with
             it
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             No
             ,
             no
             ,
             —
             
               with
               their
               Wives
               and
               Families
               to
               eat
               the
               Paschal
               .
            
             There
             's
             a
             line
             for
             you
             ,
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             if
             all
             the
             Pindari●
             in
             the
             World
             were
             lost
             ,
             this
             wou'd
             certainly
             retrieve
             it
             from
             oblivion
             .
             I
             had
             the
             curiosity
             to
             measure
             it
             ,
             and
             't
             is
             just
             forty
             six
             foot
             of
             Metre
             ,
             no
             more
             ,
             nor
             no
             less
             .
             I
             warrant
             you
             any
             other
             man
             might
             have
             seen
             it
             twenty
             and
             twenty
             times
             ,
             and
             never
             edify'd
             the
             value
             of
             a
             brass
             farthing
             at
             the
             sight
             ;
             but
             I
             am
             an
             inquisitive
             person
             you
             know
             ,
             and
             like
             a
             good
             Chymist
             ,
             can
             extract
             rich
             Spirits
             of
             Poetry
             
             out
             of
             the
             most
             insipid
             matter
             .
             —
             So
             much
             at
             present
             for
             the
             several
             orders
             and
             degrees
             of
             mankind
             :
             But
             I
             wish
             with
             all
             my
             heart
             my
             quarrels
             had
             stopt
             here
             ,
             or
             been
             only
             confin'd
             to
             my
             fellow
             creatures
             ;
             but
             I
             faith
             I
             have
             been
             so
             unfortunate
             in
             my
             time
             as
             to
             make
             a
             step
             higher
             ,
             so
             that
             ,
             if
             it
             is
             with
             Angels
             ,
             as
             with
             any
             particular
             society
             of
             men
             here
             upon
             earth
             ,
             where
             ,
             if
             you
             disoblige
             one
             ,
             you
             disoblige
             all
             the
             rest
             ;
             I
             must
             confess
             to
             my
             shame
             and
             sorrow
             ,
             that
             I
             have
             affronted
             the
             whole
             Celestial
             Hierarchy
             :
             For
             ,
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             I
             have
             put
             the
             grossest
             abuse
             imaginable
             upon
             one
             of
             their
             Tribe
             ,
             who
             ,
             as
             I
             am
             informed
             ,
             makes
             no
             inconsiderable
             figure
             amongst
             em
             even
             the
             Archangel
             Gabriel
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             How
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             the
             Archangel
             Gabriel
             !
             what
             occasion
             had
             you
             to
             quarrel
             with
             him
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Troth
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             none
             at
             all
             :
             How
             should
             I
             ?
             I
             never
             saw
             him
             ,
             or
             spoke
             with
             him
             ,
             to
             the
             best
             of
             my
             knowledge
             in
             all
             my
             life
             :
             But
             now
             and
             then
             't
             is
             my
             misfortune
             to
             be
             possest
             with
             the
             Spirit
             of
             Contradiction
             ,
             and
             at
             that
             time
             should
             you
             attempt
             me
             with
             all
             the
             kind
             language
             ,
             and
             the
             most
             convincing
             arguments
             in
             the
             world
             ,
             I
             am
             not
             to
             be
             perswaded
             .
             Thus
             in
             my
             Life
             of
             Plutarch
             ,
             when
             it
             lay
             in
             my
             power
             either
             to
             have
             wav'd
             the
             business
             ,
             or
             at
             one
             words
             speaking
             ,
             to
             have
             made
             as
             good
             a
             Christian
             of
             that
             Reverend
             Philosopher
             as
             ever
             lived
             ;
             and
             I
             might
             easily
             have
             prevailed
             with
             good
             St.
             Ierome
             to
             set
             his
             hand
             to
             the
             Affidavit
             (
             for
             you
             must
             know
             that
             honest
             Father
             inserted
             a
             worse
             man
             ,
             the
             Cuckold-maker
             Seneca
             by
             name
             ,
             into
             his
             Catalogue
             )
             yet
             I'gad
             ,
             I
             make
             him
             ,
             in
             spight
             of
             his
             Teeth
             ,
             to
             continue
             in
             his
             old
             Pagan
             perswasion
             ,
             and
             present
             him
             with
             half
             a
             dozen
             objections
             against
             the
             Christian
             Religion
             ,
             which
             I
             'm
             sure
             will
             never
             relish
             as
             long
             as
             the
             World
             stands
             ,
             with
             a
             Philosophers
             critical
             palate
             .
             Thus
             also
             in
             the
             Conquest
             of
             Mexico
             ,
             a
             foolish
             freak
             took
             me
             in
             the
             head
             ,
             and
             I
             must
             make
             not
             only
             the
             Indian
             Priest
             ,
             and
             Montezuma
             himself
             (
             who
             was
             in
             truth
             a
             very
             illiterate
             Prince
             )
             but
             even
             some
             of
             his
             Courtiers
             (
             who
             are
             a
             sort
             of
             men
             you
             know
             that
             seldom
             trouble
             themselves
             either
             with
             the
             Speculative
             or
             Practick
             part
             of
             Religion
             )
             so
             confound
             the
             Spanish
             Chaplain
             and
             the
             rest
             of
             his
             Countrymen
             ,
             that
             they
             were
             forced
             in
             the
             Fifth
             Act
             ,
             when
             other
             methods
             fail'd
             ,
             to
             betake
             themselves
             to
             the
             Infallible
             Arguments
             of
             the
             Rack
             ,
             in
             order
             to
             make
             the
             Emperour
             and
             his
             Priest
             set
             their
             hands
             to
             the
             Apostles
             Creed
             ,
             and
             the
             Popes
             Supremacy
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             That
             was
             very
             unkindly
             done
             ,
             indeed
             Mr.
             Bays
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             So
             it
             was
             Sir
             ,
             and
             I
             have
             reckon'd
             it
             ever
             since
             among
             one
             of
             my
             crying
             Sins
             ,
             and
             design
             to
             do
             hearty
             Pennance
             for
             it
             as
             long
             as
             I
             live
             .
             But
             to
             pursue
             the
             business
             in
             hand
             ,
             the
             very
             same
             Spirit
             of
             Contradiction
             I
             was
             mentioning
             before
             ,
             seiz'd
             me
             when
             I
             undertook
             to
             clear
             Miltons
             Paradice
             of
             Weeds
             ,
             and
             garnish
             that
             noble
             Poem
             with
             the
             additional
             beauty
             and
             softness
             of
             Rhyme
             .
             He
             ,
             like
             a
             blind
             buzzard
             as
             he
             was
             ,
             makes
             Adam
             perform
             his
             addresses
             so
             ungracefully
             ,
             introduces
             him
             discoursing
             so
             unlike
             a
             Gentleman
             ,
             with
             that
             negligence
             of
             Language
             ,
             and
             stupidity
             of
             Spirit
             ,
             that
             I'gad
             ,
             you
             'd
             pitty
             his
             condition
             .
             And
             then
             for
             Eve
             ,
             as
             he
             has
             drawn
             her
             
             Character
             ,
             she
             talks
             so
             like
             an
             insipid
             Country
             House-keeper
             ,
             whose
             knowledge
             goes
             no
             farther
             than
             the
             Still
             or
             the
             Dairy
             ,
             who
             is
             as
             little
             acquainted
             with
             the
             tenderness
             of
             passion
             ,
             as
             the
             management
             of
             an
             Intreague
             ,
             that
             one
             cannot
             choose
             but
             wonder
             at
             it
             .
             Now
             when
             I
             came
             to
             fall
             upon
             this
             work
             ,
             I
             was
             resolved
             to
             bestow
             a
             little
             good
             breeding
             upon
             our
             first
             Parents
             ,
             to
             shew
             them
             the
             Gallantry
             of
             a
             Court
             ,
             and
             the
             Discipline
             of
             an
             Academy
             ,
             to
             give
             them
             a
             turn
             or
             two
             in
             the
             Mall
             ,
             and
             the
             Galleries
             at
             Whitehall
             ,
             to
             entertain
             'em
             with
             a
             Play
             in
             the
             Kings
             Box
             at
             the
             Theatre
             ,
             and
             afterwards
             with
             a
             fashionable
             Oglio
             at
             Lockets
             or
             the
             Blue-Posts
             ,
             that
             so
             they
             might
             be
             prevail'd
             with
             to
             leave
             the
             contemptible
             frugality
             of
             feeding
             upon
             Sallads
             ,
             and
             shake
             off
             all
             that
             Clownish
             rust
             which
             they
             had
             contracted
             in
             a
             former
             Education
             .
             For
             this
             reason
             .
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             I
             have
             made
             that
             great
             Grand-mother
             of
             ours
             ,
             discourse
             after
             another
             rate
             then
             she
             did
             before
             ;
             she
             talks
             of
             love
             as
             feelingly
             as
             a
             Thrice-married
             Widdow
             ,
             yet
             rails
             at
             marriage
             with
             the
             same
             concern
             as
             if
             she
             had
             seen
             the
             misfortunes
             of
             half
             her
             Daughters
             ;
             tells
             her
             Gallant
             that
             it
             was
             the
             Practice
             of
             all
             his
             Sex
             to
             decoy
             poor
             Innocent
             Maids
             with
             sham
             stories
             of
             their
             Passion
             ;
             and
             that
             he
             'd
             be
             as
             apt
             to
             forget
             her
             after
             the
             enjoyment
             was
             over
             ,
             as
             a
             Sharper
             of
             the
             Town
             forgets
             the
             last
             friend
             he
             borrowed
             money
             of
             :
             In
             fine
             ,
             she
             discourses
             of
             Flames
             ,
             Darts
             and
             Transports
             ,
             of
             the
             performances
             of
             Lovers
             ,
             and
             the
             Fatality
             of
             Matrimony
             ,
             (
             though
             God
             knows
             ,
             the
             poor
             Gentleman
             had
             no
             occasion
             to
             understand
             them
             before
             )
             with
             as
             much
             familiarity
             as
             the
             Emperour
             Montezuma
             discourses
             of
             the
             Sea
             ,
             who
             had
             scarce
             seen
             or
             heard
             of
             a
             puddle
             greater
             than
             a
             Horse-pond
             in
             all
             his
             life
             time
             .
             And
             then
             as
             for
             Adam
             ,
             I
             have
             put
             my self
             to
             the
             charges
             of
             giving
             him
             a
             year
             or
             two's
             running
             at
             the
             University
             ,
             made
             him
             as
             well
             acquainted
             with
             all
             the
             arguments
             of
             the
             Supralapsarians
             ,
             as
             a
             Justices
             Clark
             is
             with
             all
             the
             She-traders
             in
             his
             Masters
             Dominions
             :
             So
             that
             when
             the
             Arch-angel
             Gabriel
             came
             to
             pay
             him
             a
             visit
             at
             his
             Summer-house
             ,
             he
             presently
             engages
             him
             before
             the
             second
             course
             was
             remov'd
             ,
             in
             the
             Mysterious
             Controversie
             about
             Freewill
             ,
             Proposes
             Mediums
             ,
             solves
             Objections
             ,
             tells
             his
             guest
             that
             his
             Major
             was
             open
             enough
             to
             let
             a
             whole
             Shoul
             of
             Arminians
             in
             at
             the
             Breeches
             ;
             that
             his
             Minor
             would
             not
             hold
             water
             ;
             and
             sometimes
             I'gad
             ,
             in
             plain
             downright
             English
             ,
             assures
             him
             that
             his
             inferences
             had
             no
             more
             relation
             to
             the
             premises
             ,
             than
             the
             Alcoran
             to
             the
             Four
             Evangelists
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Pray
             Mr.
             Bays
             how
             long
             ago
             is
             it
             since
             Angels
             have
             made
             use
             of
             Syllogism
             ?
             I
             thought
             that
             those
             Intuitive
             Gentlemen
             had
             never
             put
             themselves
             to
             the
             trouble
             of
             tracing
             causes
             by
             their
             effects
             ,
             or
             drawing
             conclusions
             from
             their
             premises
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Why
             there
             's
             the
             mischief
             on
             't
             ,
             I
             knew
             well
             enough
             that
             the
             Angels
             stand
             in
             no
             more
             need
             of
             a
             
               Grammatica
               Rationis
            
             ,
             than
             a
             ready
             Wit
             does
             of
             a
             Common-place-book
             ;
             but
             such
             is
             my
             unhappiness
             now
             and
             then
             ,
             that
             I
             must
             run
             contrary
             to
             the
             Sentiments
             of
             all
             Mankind
             ,
             though
             my
             whole
             Family
             suffers
             by
             it
             :
             Nay
             to
             aggravate
             the
             matter
             ,
             I
             made
             this
             great
             Progenitor
             of
             ours
             ,
             so
             ba●●le
             the
             Arch-angel
             in
             the
             intricate
             point
             of
             
             Free-will
             ,
             that
             I
             should
             have
             been
             most
             mortally
             afraid
             that
             the
             discontented
             Gabriel
             had
             carryed
             some
             dregs
             of
             Calvinism
             along
             with
             him
             into
             Heaven
             ,
             and
             infected
             the
             rest
             of
             his
             fellow
             Angels
             ,
             but
             that
             I
             have
             heard
             nothing
             of
             it
             since
             :
             However
             I
             am
             in
             a
             fair
             way
             now
             ,
             I
             hope
             ,
             to
             be
             reconciled
             to
             him
             ,
             for
             I
             employ
             my
             Tutelar
             Genius
             every
             morning
             to
             sollicit
             his
             pardon
             ,
             and
             to
             let
             him
             know
             from
             me
             ,
             that
             if
             ever
             this
             unfortunate
             Opera
             of
             mine
             lives
             to
             a
             second
             edition
             ,
             I
             design
             to
             write
             a
             
               Poeta
               loquitur
            
             on
             that
             part
             of
             the
             page
             where
             the
             Angel
             discourses
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             That
             will
             do
             very
             well
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             to
             recover
             his
             lost
             reputation
             with
             the
             reader
             ,
             and
             no
             question
             on
             't
             ,
             but
             it
             will
             go
             a
             great
             way
             to
             encline
             him
             to
             better
             thoughts
             of
             your
             repentance
             :
             Put
             prethee
             little
             Bays
             ,
             may
             I
             make
             so
             bold
             as
             to
             enquire
             the
             reason
             why
             you
             are
             so
             great
             an
             enemy
             to
             Freewill
             ?
             Is
             it
             not
             because
             you
             are
             willing
             to
             plead
             fatal
             necessity
             at
             the
             day
             of
             Judgment
             ,
             and
             lay
             all
             your
             miscarriages
             at
             your
             Makers
             door
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             I
             must
             give
             you
             the
             same
             answer
             to
             this
             question
             ,
             as
             a
             Country-Physician
             gave
             a
             friend
             of
             mine
             ,
             who
             came
             to
             enquire
             of
             him
             how
             he
             cured
             himself
             of
             his
             last
             Ague
             ;
             for
             you
             must
             note
             ,
             that
             this
             same
             Blunderbuss
             ,
             by
             some
             accident
             or
             other
             ,
             had
             dropt
             upon
             a
             right
             medicine
             :
             No
             Sir
             (
             said
             he
             )
             I
             beg
             your
             pardon
             ,
             for
             I
             am
             under
             an
             obligation
             never
             to
             disclose
             the
             secret
             to
             any
             person
             breathing
             ,
             but
             if
             you
             are
             so
             lucky
             as
             to
             name
             the
             true
             remedy
             ,
             for
             our
             old
             acquaintance
             sake
             ,
             I
             'll
             not
             conceal
             it
             from
             you
             .
             Is
             it
             (
             says
             the
             Gentleman
             )
             
               Octabis
               Hilarii
               ?
               No
               I
               protest
               :
            
             Why
             then
             ,
             I
             'll
             lay
             all
             that
             I
             'm
             worth
             in
             the
             World
             ,
             continues
             he
             ,
             that
             it
             is
             
               Quindena
               Paschae
               .
               Neither
               is
               it
               that
               upon
               my
               life
               ,
               but
               for
               your
               comfort
               ,
               it
               is
               something
               as
               like
            
             Quindena
             Paschae
             
               as
               may
               be
               ;
               nay
               ,
               to
               satisfie
               you
               farther
               in
               the
               case
               ,
            
             Quindena
             Paschae
             
               is
               one
               of
               the
               chief
               Ingredients
               .
            
             In
             like
             manner
             Mr.
             Eugenius
             ,
             I
             must
             tell
             you
             ,
             that
             you
             have
             not
             pitch'd
             upon
             the
             true
             reason
             why
             I
             am
             so
             bitter
             an
             enemy
             to
             Freewill
             (
             for
             that
             relates
             to
             a
             particular
             affront
             which
             I
             receiv'd
             from
             an
             Arminian
             Divine
             )
             but
             I
             can
             assure
             you
             upon
             my
             Integrity
             ,
             that
             it
             comes
             as
             nigh
             the
             true
             reason
             ,
             as
             any
             thing
             in
             the
             World
             can
             come
             nigh
             another
             .
             I
             am
             sure
             it
             is
             not
             only
             my
             own
             interest
             ,
             but
             the
             interest
             of
             half
             Mankind
             ,
             that
             we
             carry'd
             no
             such
             troublesome
             thing
             as
             Freewill
             about
             us
             ,
             for
             then
             I
             know
             who
             must
             bear
             the
             blame
             of
             our
             extravagancies
             another
             day
             ;
             it
             wou'd
             remove
             all
             those
             peevish
             Melancholly
             distinctions
             of
             good
             and
             evil
             ,
             and
             score
             the
             frequent
             Sallies
             and
             Excesses
             of
             our
             life
             upon
             the
             unavoidable
             influences
             and
             failures
             of
             humane
             nature
             .
             But
             Gentlemen
             ,
             I
             have
             somewhere
             in
             the
             compass
             of
             four
             lines
             ,
             urged
             this
             Opini●●●
             except
             I
             am
             mightily
             deceiv'd
             ,
             with
             all
             the
             accuracy
             and
             strength
             of
             〈◊〉
             ,
             which
             so
             nice
             a
             subject
             can
             well
             allow
             of
             .
             Oh
             now
             I
             remember
             ●●em
             !
             
               
                 The
                 Priesthood
                 grossly
                 cheat
                 us
                 with
                 Freewill
                 ,
              
               
                 Will
                 to
                 do
                 what
                 ,
                 but
                 what
                 Heaven
                 first
                 decreed
                 ;
              
               
                 
                 Our
                 Actions
                 then
                 are
                 neither
                 good
                 nor
                 ill
                 ,
              
               
                 Since
                 from
                 Eternal
                 causes
                 they
                 proceed
                 .
              
            
          
        
         
           
             〈◊〉
             .
          
           
             I
             fancy
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             that
             these
             Verses
             ,
             with
             some
             little
             alteration
             ,
             
             would
             not
             be
             amiss
             in
             a
             young
             Poets
             Prologue
             ,
             who
             is
             to
             excuse
             the
             Errours
             of
             his
             Essay
             to
             an
             Audience
             .
             
               
                 The
                 Criticks
                 basely
                 charge
                 us
                 with
                 Freewill
                 ,
              
               
                 Will
                 to
                 write
                 what
                 ,
                 but
                 what
                 our
                 Stars
                 decreed
                 ;
              
               
                 Our
                 Poems
                 then
                 are
                 neither
                 good
                 nor
                 ill
                 ,
              
               
                 Since
                 from
                 All-ruling
                 Planets
                 they
                 proceed
                 .
              
            
          
           
             Ha!
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             What
             think
             you
             now
             ?
             Wou'd
             not
             this
             mollisie
             the
             cruel
             hearts
             of
             the
             most
             prejudiced
             Spectators
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Mollisie
             them
             ?
             No
             question
             on
             't
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             unless
             the
             old
             Gentleman
             in
             black
             possess'd
             them
             all
             .
             I
             could
             inlarge
             very
             copiously
             upon
             this
             hint
             of
             yours
             ,
             but
             that
             I
             am
             desirous
             to
             finish
             the
             relation
             of
             my
             Conquests
             ,
             before
             I
             proceed
             to
             any
             other
             business
             ;
             and
             therefore
             to
             draw
             my
             Victories
             into
             a
             narrower
             compass
             ,
             I
             have
             affronted
             the
             men
             of
             Wit
             in
             my
             Gallants
             ,
             expos'd
             the
             men
             of
             Valour
             in
             my
             Heroes
             ,
             ridicul'd
             the
             men
             of
             Love
             and
             Extasie
             in
             my
             Jealous
             Coxcombs
             ,
             the
             Ladies
             in
             my
             complying
             Females
             ,
             Country
             Parsons
             in
             all
             my
             Pagan
             Priests
             ,
             and
             Princes
             in
             my
             lawless
             Maximines
             of
             the
             Theatre
             ;
             I
             have
             lashed
             the
             State
             of
             Matrimony
             in
             my
             Marriage
             A-la-mode
             ,
             the
             state
             of
             Celibacy
             and
             a
             Monastic
             life
             in
             my
             Spanish
             Fryar
             ,
             and
             love
             in
             a
             Nunnery
             ;
             the
             state
             of
             Cuckoldom
             in
             my
             Limberham
             ,
             the
             state
             of
             Innocence
             in
             my
             Opera
             of
             Adam
             :
             In
             a
             word
             (
             if
             you
             'll
             be
             pleas'd
             to
             allow
             me
             the
             benefit
             of
             the
             Clergy
             ,
             that
             is
             ,
             the
             Christian
             Priviledge
             of
             one
             single
             quibble
             at
             parting
             )
             I
             have
             lashed
             the
             States
             of
             Holland
             in
             my
             Tragedy
             of
             Amboyna
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             And
             you
             have
             murder'd
             good
             Sense
             and
             Comedy
             with
             a
             vengeance
             in
             your
             Wild
             Gallant
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Now
             we
             talk
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             of
             the
             Wild
             Gallant
             ,
             of
             all
             Loves
             remember
             me
             to
             the
             Merry
             Taylor
             ,
             and
             tell
             him
             ,
             if
             he
             continues
             his
             old
             humour
             of
             trusting
             people
             for
             the
             sake
             of
             a
             Jest
             ,
             I
             'll
             help
             him
             to
             half
             a
             dozen
             Irish
             Officers
             ,
             that
             shall
             jest
             and
             quibble
             two
             hours
             by
             the
             Clock
             ,
             for
             a
             new
             pair
             of
             Breeches
             ,
             and
             what
             shall
             be
             the
             best
             jest
             of
             all
             ,
             never
             pay
             for
             them
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             But
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             this
             long
             digression
             of
             yours
             ,
             has
             clearly
             put
             you
             beside
             the
             story
             you
             promised
             us
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Goodsookers
             ,
             so
             it
             has
             !
             Oh
             this
             treacherous
             forgetful
             head
             of
             mine
             !
             It
             serves
             me
             more
             unhandsome
             tricks
             I'gad
             ,
             than
             a
             young
             Lawyers
             memory
             ,
             who
             has
             not
             attained
             to
             his
             Westminster-hall
             Compass
             of
             
               Fitz
               ,
               Pere
            
             and
             Ayle
             :
             But
             how
             to
             fall
             exactly
             into
             the
             same
             place
             where
             I
             left
             on
             the
             Lord
             knows
             how
             ▪
             unless
             you
             can
             assist
             me
             Gentlemen
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             Very
             easily
             Sir
             ,
             for
             all
             that
             we
             have
             hitherto
             heard
             concerning
             your
             story
             ,
             only
             comes
             to
             this
             ,
             That
             some
             Three
             Weeks
             before
             your
             Conversion
             in
             1685.
             it
             was
             your
             fortune
             to
             go
             down
             the
             River
             as
             fas
             as
             Greenwich
             ,
             with
             some
             Irish
             Gentlemen
             of
             your
             acquaintance
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Right
             Sir
             ,
             with
             some
             Irish
             Gentlemen
             of
             my
             acquaintance
             ,
             where
             out
             of
             an
             excess
             of
             Friendship
             ,
             and
             a
             mistaken
             principle
             of
             Honour
             ,
             I
             drank
             a
             prodigious
             quantity
             of
             Wine
             for
             two
             days
             together
             ,
             tho
             to
             deal
             honestly
             with
             you
             ,
             the
             Wine
             was
             only
             sit
             to
             be
             drank
             in
             a
             Protestant
             Communion
             ,
             or
             to
             Bury
             Prince
             Belzebubs
             Subjects
             .
          
        
         
           
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Have
             a
             care
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             you
             are
             always
             abusing
             some
             Princes
             Subjects
             or
             other
             ;
             but
             pray
             Sir
             to
             what
             part
             of
             the
             Globe
             do
             these
             strangers
             belong
             ,
             or
             what
             do
             you
             mean
             by
             Prince
             Belzebubs
             Subjects
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Why
             the
             Flyes
             Man
             !
             Oh
             Lord
             that
             you
             shou'd
             be
             so
             Ignorant
             :
             I
             hope
             Sir
             a
             Man
             may
             pass
             a
             jest
             upon
             the
             Flyes
             ,
             without
             offending
             you
             ,
             or
             any
             body
             else
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             No
             question
             on
             't
             Mr.
             Bays
             .
             But
             prithee
             Man
             ,
             why
             so
             severe
             upon
             the
             Protestant
             Communicants
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Because
             it
             is
             so
             unseemly
             a
             sight
             to
             see
             a
             Fat
             Two-handed
             Layman
             ,
             with
             a
             Face
             which
             you
             may
             divide
             as
             Dr.
             Heylin
             has
             done
             the
             Kingdom
             of
             Poland
             ,
             into
             the
             Champain
             and
             the
             Woody
             ,
             overgrown
             with
             Beard
             ,
             and
             looking
             like
             the
             Moon
             half
             recovered
             out
             of
             an
             Eclipse
             (
             pray
             mind
             the
             comparison
             )
             spill
             half
             the
             Chalice
             upon
             his
             Whiskers
             ,
             and
             afterwards
             wipe
             'em
             with
             his
             greasy
             Elbow
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Rather
             than
             break
             squares
             between
             both
             Churches
             as
             to
             that
             particular
             ,
             I
             'le
             engage
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             that
             the
             Laymen
             shall
             all
             of
             'em
             be
             shaved
             before
             they
             come
             to
             Church
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             It
             can
             never
             be
             done
             Sir
             ,
             say
             what
             you
             will
             ,
             or
             propose
             what
             expedients
             you
             will
             ;
             for
             a
             Laymans
             Face
             (
             and
             the
             experiment
             was
             made
             before
             no
             worse
             Company
             than
             the
             Council
             of
             Constance
             )
             can
             never
             be
             made
             so
             sleek
             and
             all
             that
             ,
             as
             a
             Sacerdotal
             countenance
             :
             I
             have
             ,
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             since
             I
             was
             reduced
             ,
             laboured
             in
             this
             affair
             to
             accomodate
             it
             ,
             as
             much
             as
             any
             person
             whatever
             ,
             for
             I
             wou'd
             not
             willingly
             pay
             for
             Wine
             and
             not
             have
             my
             Share
             ,
             but
             it
             won't
             do
             .
             Another
             project
             I
             have
             thought
             upon
             ,
             which
             is
             a
             great
             deal
             more
             feasible
             ,
             may
             be
             of
             infinite
             advantage
             to
             the
             Kingdom
             ,
             and
             I
             hope
             may
             meet
             with
             better
             success
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugenius
             .
          
           
             Pray
             Mr.
             Bays
             what
             is
             that
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Why
             ,
             you
             know
             Sir
             ,
             what
             a
             dull
             time
             the
             Poets
             have
             had
             of
             it
             lately
             ,
             since
             the
             Considerers
             and
             Answerers
             of
             both
             sides
             have
             invaded
             the
             Press
             ,
             no
             more
             to
             do
             I'gad
             than
             a
             Player
             in
             the
             Vacation
             ;
             and
             Wit
             as
             perfect
             and
             meer
             a
             drug
             as
             Wool
             was
             before
             the
             Burying
             Act.
             Now
             what
             do
             you
             think
             I
             intend
             to
             do
             in
             this
             case
             ,
             Mr.
             Crites
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Faith
             Sir
             ,
             I
             can't
             tell
             ,
             for
             I
             have
             no
             extraordinary
             hand
             at
             supposition
             and
             conjecture
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             No
             ,
             you
             may
             think
             and
             pump
             your
             imagination
             these
             forty
             years
             ,
             and
             ne're
             be
             the
             wiser
             .
             Why
             ,
             I
             intend
             —
             But
             you
             'll
             half
             kill
             your selves
             with
             laughing
             at
             the
             conceit
             —
             I
             intend
             to
             get
             a
             Burying
             Act
             for
             the
             Muses
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             A
             Burying
             Act
             !
             As
             how
             I
             pray
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             I
             will
             make
             my
             application
             to
             the
             Worshipful
             Members
             of
             the
             next
             Parliament
             ,
             and
             represent
             to
             them
             the
             miserable
             condition
             of
             Nine
             Muses
             ,
             which
             is
             more
             to
             be
             pittyed
             I'gad
             ,
             than
             all
             the
             sufferings
             of
             the
             French
             Protestants
             .
             In
             order
             to
             make
             my
             petition
             meet
             with
             better
             entertainment
             ▪
             and
             move
             their
             compassion
             ,
             I
             'll
             tell
             them
             a
             lamentable
             story
             of
             Apollo
             ,
             the
             Father
             of
             these
             Girls
             ,
             how
             I
             saw
             him
             the
             other
             day
             Eating
             Spoon-meat
             
             amongst
             Porters
             in
             the
             Stocks-market
             ,
             in
             a
             little
             greasy
             old-fashion'd
             Black
             Cloak
             ,
             which
             hung
             about
             his
             Shoulders
             like
             a
             Heralds
             Coat
             without
             sleeves
             ,
             and
             scarce
             reach'd
             so
             low
             as
             one
             of
             your
             Sub-deacons
             Surplices
             at
             Sumerset-house
             ;
             likewise
             with
             a
             little
             Extinguisher-like
             Hat
             on
             ,
             and
             that
             when
             I
             enquired
             of
             him
             ,
             how
             it
             came
             to
             be
             so
             unmercifully
             paired
             and
             circumcised
             ,
             he
             should
             answer
             that
             he
             parted
             with
             a
             Groats
             worth
             of
             the
             brim
             ,
             to
             equip
             a
             Basket-hilt
             in
             
               Lincolns
               Inn
               Fields
            
             ;
             nay
             ,
             to
             secure
             my self
             from
             all
             possible
             dangers
             of
             a
             disappointment
             in
             the
             case
             ,
             I
             design
             to
             acquaint
             them
             with
             what
             the
             Old
             Gentleman
             had
             informed
             me
             concerning
             his
             Daughters
             ;
             that
             unless
             their
             relief
             came
             presently
             ,
             they
             must
             be
             forced
             like
             the
             City
             Orphans
             ,
             to
             marry
             below
             themselves
             ,
             and
             take
             up
             with
             Lawyers
             Clerks
             ,
             Penny-Chroniclers
             ,
             and
             Smithfield-Sonnetiers
             ,
             for
             want
             of
             better
             ;
             that
             they
             durst
             not
             make
             their
             appearance
             at
             any
             places
             of
             publick
             resort
             ,
             because
             they
             wanted
             the
             necessary
             accommodation
             of
             Night-rails
             and
             Top-knots
             ;
             and
             that
             the
             trusty
             Keepers
             of
             Westminster
             had
             discarded
             'em
             ,
             ever
             since
             they
             retrenched
             their
             families
             ,
             and
             turned
             out
             their
             Servants
             to
             Board-wages
             .
             And
             then
             as
             for
             himself
             ,
             he
             protests
             that
             he
             has
             not
             tasted
             a
             drop
             of
             Wine
             since
             the
             Conduits
             pist
             Claret
             at
             the
             Coronation
             ;
             that
             he
             could
             not
             be
             trusted
             a
             week
             ago
             in
             
               Pauls
               Church
               yard
            
             for
             half
             a
             dozen
             strings
             to
             his
             Welsh
             Harp
             ,
             tho
             he
             was
             amoagst
             so
             many
             of
             his
             own
             Tenants
             ,
             the
             Booksellers
             ;
             and
             lastly
             ▪
             to
             use
             his
             own
             expression
             (
             by
             which
             you
             may
             perceive
             his
             necessities
             have
             made
             him
             profane
             as
             well
             as
             desperate
             )
             that
             he
             has
             subsisted
             of
             late
             years
             like
             the
             poor
             melancholly
             Accidents
             in
             Transubstantiation
             ,
             without
             a
             subject
             to
             quarter
             upon
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Nothing
             certainly
             will
             prevail
             upon
             'em
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             if
             this
             story
             won't
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Nay
             you
             may
             let
             me
             alone
             to
             move
             the
             hearts
             of
             any
             assembly
             in
             Christendom
             .
             After
             I
             have
             prepossess'd
             'em
             with
             this
             doleful
             Tale
             ,
             I
             will
             humbly
             offer
             to
             their
             charitable
             considerations
             these
             following
             Proposals
             .
          
           
             That
             for
             encouraging
             the
             manufacture
             of
             Poetry
             ,
             (
             pray
             observe
             me
             Gentlemen
             ,
             I
             call
             it
             a
             manufacture
             ,
             because
             to
             my self
             it
             is
             more
             the
             trouble
             of
             the
             fingers
             than
             the
             labour
             of
             the
             brain
             )
             which
             has
             of
             late
             years
             ,
             to
             the
             ruine
             of
             several
             Families
             ,
             the
             decay
             of
             Trade
             ,
             and
             the
             loss
             of
             the
             Kingdom
             in
             general
             ,
             been
             discontinued
             ;
             both
             Houses
             of
             Parliament
             think
             fit
             to
             order
             for
             the
             future
             ;
          
           
             First
             ,
             That
             no
             person
             above
             the
             Degree
             of
             a
             Lord
             shall
             presume
             to
             be
             buried
             under
             a
             dozen
             Stanza's
             of
             good
             lawful
             Pindaric
             Poetry
             ;
             for
             which
             his
             Heirs
             ,
             Executors
             ,
             and
             Administrators
             shall
             pay
             a
             Crown
             a
             Stanza
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             :
          
           
             But
             why
             not
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             as
             well
             be
             buried
             in
             good
             Heroic
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             For
             a
             certain
             reason
             Sir
             ,
             which
             I
             am
             sure
             will
             make
             you
             bepiss
             your self
             ,
             't
             is
             so
             extreamly
             diverting
             .
             You
             know
             Sir
             ,
             that
             Princes
             ,
             Dukes
             ,
             and
             Earls
             (
             I
             can't
             help
             reflecting
             for
             the
             heart
             of
             me
             )
             are
             a
             sort
             of
             lawless
             ,
             ungovernable
             people
             :
             Now
             what
             kind
             of
             Poetry
             is
             so
             suitable
             ,
             do
             you
             think
             ,
             for
             these
             persons
             ,
             as
             that
             which
             defies
             all
             rules
             ,
             leaps
             over
             all
             constitutions
             ,
             and
             ,
             in
             fine
             ,
             does
             what
             it
             pleases
             .
          
           
           
             Secondly
             ,
             That
             all
             people
             ,
             from
             the
             condition
             of
             a
             Lord
             down
             to
             a
             Baronet
             ,
             shall
             be
             embalmed
             in
             twenty
             pair
             of
             Heroic
             Verses
             ,
             for
             which
             they
             shall
             pay
             a
             Noble
             .
             Now
             the
             reason
             why
             I
             am
             for
             burying
             these
             worthy
             Gentlemen
             in
             Heroic
             is
             this
             ,
             That
             as
             the
             Nile
             seldom
             mounts
             above
             the
             18th
             figure
             ,
             and
             seldom
             ebbs
             below
             the
             14th
             ,
             so
             true
             Valour
             rarely
             rises
             above
             a
             Lord
             ,
             and
             rarely
             falls
             below
             the
             quality
             of
             a
             Baronet
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             Why
             could
             you
             not
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             have
             borrowed
             your
             instance
             from
             the
             Quick-silver
             in
             a
             Weather-glass
             ,
             as
             well
             as
             travelled
             for
             one
             as
             far
             as
             Egypt
             .
             I
             find
             you
             are
             for
             hedging
             a
             stake
             in
             your
             old
             age
             amongst
             the
             men
             of
             Valour
             .
          
           
             Thirdly
             ,
             That
             Country
             Squires
             ,
             Heads
             of
             Houses
             ,
             Doctors
             of
             Divinity
             ,
             and
             the
             Civil
             Law
             ,
             Prebends
             of
             Cathedrals
             ;
             all
             Mayors
             ,
             Bailiffs
             ,
             and
             Aldermen
             ,
             &c.
             shall
             be
             buried
             in
             their
             dearly-beloved
             Acrostics
             ,
             (
             you
             see
             I
             am
             tart
             upon
             half
             the
             Nation
             )
             for
             which
             they
             are
             to
             pay
             seven
             Groats
             (
             cheap
             enough
             I'gad
             )
             and
             that
             the
             Poet
             shall
             be
             bound
             to
             bait
             the
             last
             distich
             either
             with
             pun
             or
             quibble
             ;
             otherwise
             to
             receive
             nothing
             for
             his
             labour
             ;
             any
             thing
             in
             this
             Act
             or
             Statute
             to
             the
             contrary
             notwithstanding
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Methinks
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             you
             ought
             in
             Conscience
             to
             have
             excepted
             the
             Mayors
             of
             Wooden-basset
             and
             Queenborough
             ,
             I
             dare
             engage
             the
             Magistrates
             there
             had
             rather
             be
             interred
             without
             the
             solemnity
             of
             an
             Epitaph
             ,
             than
             go
             to
             the
             charges
             of
             paying
             for
             it
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             No
             ,
             no
             ,
             they
             must
             pay
             ,
             if
             it
             were
             only
             for
             representing
             his
             Majesty
             .
          
           
             Fourthly
             ,
             That
             all
             others
             of
             meaner
             rank
             and
             families
             ,
             shall
             be
             content
             to
             lye
             wrapt
             in
             a
             wholesome
             short
             ditty
             ,
             to
             the
             melancholly
             Tune
             of
             St.
             Sepulchers
             Chimes
             ,
             for
             which
             they
             must
             pay
             one
             single
             Tester
             .
          
           
             Fifthly
             ,
             That
             whereas
             Mr.
             Bays
             has
             done
             the
             Nation
             such
             important
             service
             ,
             and
             gratified
             all
             parties
             ;
             that
             is
             ,
             libelled
             the
             Priests
             to
             please
             the
             Laity
             ,
             and
             railed
             at
             the
             Laity
             to
             get
             himself
             reconciled
             to
             the
             Priests
             ;
             lampoon'd
             the
             Court
             to
             oblige
             his
             trusting
             friends
             in
             the
             City
             ,
             and
             ridicul'd
             the
             City
             to
             secure
             a
             promising
             Lord
             at
             Court
             ;
             exposed
             the
             kind
             Keepers
             of
             Convent-Garden
             to
             please
             the
             Cuckolds
             of
             Cheapside
             ,
             and
             drolled
             upon
             the
             City
             Do-littles
             to
             tickle
             the
             
               Convent-Garden
               Limberhams
            
             ;
             drawn
             his
             Pen
             against
             the
             Romanists
             ,
             to
             win
             the
             hearts
             of
             Fanatics
             and
             Socinians
             ,
             and
             afterwards
             attack'd
             all
             the
             herd
             of
             Dissenters
             ,
             to
             retaliate
             the
             injury
             done
             to
             the
             Romanists
             ;
             railed
             at
             Matrimony
             to
             ingratiate
             with
             the
             superannuated
             Maids
             of
             Honour
             ,
             and
             damn'd
             a
             single
             life
             to
             get
             a
             Dinner
             amongst
             the
             fond
             Husbands
             :
             That
             in
             consideration
             of
             these
             ,
             and
             several
             other
             important
             services
             ,
             the
             Members
             of
             both
             Houses
             think
             fit
             to
             settle
             the
             priviledge
             of
             Licencing
             all
             Poets
             whatsoever
             ,
             from
             the
             humble
             dealers
             in
             Tobacco-box-inscrip●ions
             ,
             to
             the
             wholesale
             Traders
             in
             Drammatick
             ,
             on
             him
             and
             his
             heirs
             for
             ever
             ;
             which
             Poets
             are
             to
             renew
             their
             Licences
             every
             half
             year
             ;
             to
             obey
             all
             his
             Orders
             and
             Instructions
             ,
             are
             never
             to
             exceed
             five
             hundred
             ,
             and
             to
             be
             marked
             in
             the
             back
             as
             Hackney-Coaches
             are
             .
             —
             So
             much
             for
             this
             project
             ,
             (
             which
             is
             not
             much
             amiss
             ,
             considering
             every
             body
             at
             Court
             ,
             not
             
             the
             meanest
             Irishman
             excepted
             ,
             are
             now
             in
             the
             begging
             humour
             )
             but
             I
             forget
             the
             main
             business
             ,
             my
             Story
             —
             We
             continued
             at
             Greenwich
             full
             two
             days
             ,
             all
             which
             time
             we
             did
             nothing
             at
             all
             I'gad
             but
             drink
             and
             tipple
             :
             A
             certain
             passage
             happen'd
             the
             second
             day
             ,
             which
             is
             not
             unworthy
             the
             relating
             ,
             but
             because
             we
             have
             already
             been
             so
             much
             upon
             the
             digression
             ,
             I
             'le
             e'ne
             forbear
             it
             —
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             Nay
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             if
             you
             'll
             promise
             to
             be
             Laconic
             ,
             let
             us
             have
             it
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             A
             certain
             Gentleman
             came
             accidentally
             into
             the
             room
             where
             we
             were
             drinking
             ,
             and
             desired
             to
             be
             admitted
             into
             the
             company
             ;
             we
             told
             him
             any
             civil
             person
             was
             welcome
             ,
             and
             so
             he
             was
             receiv'd
             .
             Some
             short
             time
             after
             there
             happen'd
             a
             little
             occasional
             discourse
             concerning
             Purgatory
             ,
             and
             this
             Spark
             was
             so
             unfortunate
             to
             say
             he
             disbelieved
             it
             ;
             now
             to
             the
             everlasting
             shame
             of
             all
             those
             persons
             who
             have
             the
             assurance
             to
             deny
             Purgatory
             ,
             I
             maul'd
             him
             so
             by
             dint
             of
             Argument
             ,
             and
             Wit
             ,
             sheer
             Wit
             I
             gad
             ,
             that
             he
             had
             not
             one
             syllable
             to
             say
             for
             himself
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             I
             thought
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             that
             your
             dear
             self
             at
             that
             time
             had
             been
             of
             the
             Gentlemans
             opinion
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Troth
             Sir
             I
             must
             needs
             own
             that
             I
             had
             no
             over-great
             opinion
             of
             the
             place
             till
             this
             lucky
             passage
             confirmed
             me
             .
             Indeed
             I
             had
             little
             dawning
             of
             the
             Gospel
             upon
             me
             for
             a
             fortnight
             before
             ,
             but
             it
             was
             a
             doubtful
             glimmering
             sort
             of
             a
             light
             ,
             and
             as
             I
             may
             say
             ,
             just
             like
             that
             by
             which
             Corinna
             obliged
             her
             Gallant
             ,
             
               
                 Pars
                 adoperta
                 fuit
                 ,
                 pars
                 altera
                 clausa
                 fenestrae
                 .
              
            
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Is
             not
             that
             comparison
             of
             yours
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             somewhat
             of
             the
             lewdest
             ?
             Methinks
             you
             might
             have
             resembled
             the
             dawning
             of
             the
             Gospel
             to
             something
             else
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Tho
             it
             is
             a
             little
             luscious
             ,
             it
             is
             exceeeding
             witty
             ,
             and
             that
             is
             all
             as
             I
             desire
             in
             a
             simile
             :
             Sir
             ,
             said
             I
             to
             the
             Gentlemen
             ,
             you
             don't
             believe
             Purgatory
             it
             seems
             ,
             because
             it
             was
             not
             discovered
             before
             the
             11th
             Century
             ,
             by
             the
             Abbot
             of
             Clugny
             .
             Right
             ,
             says
             he
             .
             Why
             don't
             you
             as
             well
             ,
             Mr.
             Wiseacre
             (
             rejoyn'd
             I
             )
             believe
             there
             's
             no
             such
             place
             as
             America
             ,
             because
             it
             has
             not
             been
             discover'd
             above
             two
             huudred
             years
             ago
             ;
             upon
             which
             we
             all
             fell
             a
             laughing
             ,
             and
             the
             poor
             Gentleman
             looked
             with
             as
             mortifyed
             a
             countenance
             as
             Pharaohs
             Baker
             ,
             of
             famous
             memory
             ,
             when
             his
             dream
             was
             interpreted
             to
             him
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Faith
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             and
             that
             was
             ill
             enough
             in
             all
             conscience
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Lord
             ,
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             I
             have
             a
             hundred
             times
             more
             to
             say
             in
             behalf
             of
             Purgatory
             than
             this
             comes
             to
             ,
             and
             all
             I'gad
             ,
             my
             own
             
               Iuvat
               ire
               jugis
               qua
               nulla
               priorum
               orbita
            
             —
             I
             can't
             endure
             to
             follow
             any
             mans
             footsteps
             ,
             and
             that
             's
             the
             reason
             I
             so
             mortally
             hate
             your
             
               Ficulnea
               Argumenta
            
             ,
             your
             Artillery
             drawn
             out
             of
             the
             Bible
             .
             What
             do
             you
             think
             I
             design
             at
             this
             very
             present
             ,
             but
             to
             write
             a
             Play
             call'd
             the
             discovery
             of
             Purgatory
             ,
             and
             to
             bring
             in
             the
             Abbot
             of
             Clugny
             in
             the
             first
             Scene
             ;
             with
             these
             lines
             in
             his
             mouth
             .
             
               
                 
                   Abbot
                   .
                
                 
                   On
                   what
                   new
                   slaming
                   Country
                   are
                   we
                   thrown
                   ,
                
                 
                   So
                   long
                   kept
                   secret
                   ,
                   and
                   so
                   lately
                   known
                   ,
                
                 
                 
                   As
                   if
                   the
                   Seats
                   of
                   Erebus
                   withdrew
                   ,
                
                 
                   And
                   here
                   in
                   private
                   had
                   conceiv'd
                   a
                   new
                   .
                
              
            
             Rare
             I'gad
             ;
             and
             now
             the
             Monk
             answers
             him
             :
             
               
                 
                   Monk.
                   
                
                 
                   Fire
                   ,
                   Charcoal
                   ,
                   Pipes
                   ,
                   Tobacco
                   here
                   are
                   found
                   ,
                
                 
                   With
                   which
                   our
                   Countrys
                   plenteously
                   abound
                   ;
                
                 
                   But
                   Cider
                   and
                   Cool
                   Tankards
                   here
                   are
                   scant
                   ,
                
                 
                   Right
                   Lime-juice
                   we
                   ,
                   and
                   Punch
                   moreover
                   want
                   .
                
              
            
             Mind
             that
             more
             Moreover
             I
             pray
             ,
             methinks
             it
             is
             so
             natural
             for
             a
             Monk
             ,
             or
             a
             Country
             Parson
             .
             
               
                 As
                 if
                 this
                 infant
                 —
              
            
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             What
             do
             you
             
               as
               if
            
             again
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Ay
             ,
             Sir
             ,
             and
             perhaps
             will
             
               As
               if
            
             it
             this
             hour
             longer
             if
             I
             please
             ;
             should
             not
             the
             Monk
             ,
             I
             pray
             ,
             answer
             his
             Abbot
             .
             
               
                 As
                 if
                 this
                 Infant
                 World
                 yet
                 unarray'd
                 ,
              
               
                 Like
                 House
                 with
                 Bill
                 on
                 door
                 were
                 starv'd
                 for
                 want
                 of
                 Trade
                 .
              
            
             The
             Quintessence
             of
             Wit
             ,
             by
             my
             Faith
             ,
             Gentlemen
             ,
             but
             now
             it
             comes
             to
             the
             Abbots
             turn
             to
             speak
             ,
             who
             because
             he
             was
             something
             of
             a
             Scholar
             ,
             I
             have
             made
             him
             demolish
             all
             the
             Peripatitic
             Philosophy
             in
             a
             moment
             .
             
               
                 
                   Abbot
                   .
                
                 
                   Here
                   the
                   true
                   elementar
                   fire
                   resides
                   ,
                
                 
                   And
                   o're
                   the
                   spacious
                   Fields
                   in
                   Triumph
                   rides
                   ;
                
                 
                   Down
                   then
                   the
                   Stagyrite
                   with
                   all
                   his
                   Crew
                   ,
                
                 
                   Let
                   Infamy
                   and
                   Scorn
                   his
                   Name
                   pursue
                   ;
                
                 
                   He
                   held
                   that
                   Fire
                   dwelt
                   in
                   
                     Concavo
                     Lunae
                  
                   ,
                
                 
                   But
                   here
                   't
                   is
                   lodg'd
                   ,
                   say
                   I
                   ,
                   the
                   learned
                   Clerk
                   of
                   Clugny
                   .
                
              
            
             'T
             is
             new
             ,
             and
             out
             of
             the
             rode
             ,
             this
             same
             reflection
             ,
             Mr.
             Crites
             ;
             and
             the
             Abbot
             ,
             you
             must
             know
             ,
             was
             the
             more
             willing
             to
             take
             this
             opportunity
             of
             quarrelling
             with
             Aristotle
             ,
             for
             his
             Pestilent
             Heretical
             Doctrine
             about
             Accidents
             ;
             for
             my
             part
             ,
             I
             owe
             him
             a
             grudge
             also
             ,
             but
             design
             as
             soon
             as
             I
             can
             ,
             to
             get
             out
             of
             his
             debt
             ;
             't
             is
             but
             saying
             openly
             in
             a
             Coffe-house
             ,
             that
             Iesuits
             Powder
             is
             the
             Bark
             of
             his
             Predicamental
             Tree
             ,
             and
             you
             destroy
             his
             Reputation
             for
             ever
             amongst
             the
             Mobile
             .
             But
             to
             the
             Monk
             again
             .
             
               
                 
                   Monk.
                   
                
                 
                   Heaven
                   from
                   all
                   Ages
                   wisely
                   did
                   provide
                   ,
                
                 
                   And
                   for
                   the
                   bravest
                   Church
                   these
                   Mansions
                   hide
                   ,
                
                 
                   That
                   we
                   whose
                   Head
                   Supreme
                   and
                   unconfin'd
                   ,
                
                 
                   Is
                   neither
                   God
                   nor
                   man
                   ,
                   but
                   of
                   a
                   middle
                   kind
                   ;
                
                 
                   Should
                   neither
                   climb
                   to
                   Heaven
                   ,
                   nor
                   sink
                   to
                   Hell
                   ,
                
                 
                   But
                   in
                   some
                   place
                   between
                   for
                   endless
                   Ages
                   dwell
                   .
                
              
            
             There
             's
             a
             thought
             for
             you
             ,
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             match
             it
             me
             if
             you
             can
             in
             the
             whole
             Universe
             ,
             't
             is
             all
             flame
             and
             Spirit
             ,
             and
             nothing
             but
             a
             Soul
             that
             has
             run
             through
             a
             course
             of
             Chymistry
             and
             Purgatory
             ,
             could
             have
             utter'd
             it
             .
             After
             this
             follows
             one
             of
             the
             finest
             Scenes
             you
             ever
             read
             ,
             but
             because
             it
             is
             somewhat
             of
             the
             longest
             ,
             I
             will
             only
             give
             you
             the
             heads
             of
             it
             :
             As
             soon
             as
             the
             Monk
             had
             done
             speaking
             these
             last
             words
             ,
             a
             Messenger
             comes
             in
             from
             the
             Podesta
             of
             Pensylvania
             ,
             to
             acquaint
             the
             Abbot
             of
             Clugny
             ,
             that
             his
             Master
             and
             the
             Superintendent
             of
             New-England
             ,
             did
             intend
             that
             morning
             
             to
             try
             a
             brace
             of
             Congregational
             Bull-Dogs
             ,
             at
             an
             Episcopal
             Panther
             in
             the
             Bear-Garden
             ,
             in
             the
             Ecliptic
             ,
             and
             afterwards
             fully
             resolved
             to
             give
             him
             a
             meeting
             at
             his
             Toleration-apartment
             in
             Purgatory
             ,
             and
             that
             if
             they
             liked
             the
             scituation
             of
             the
             Country
             ,
             the
             temper
             of
             the
             Clymate
             ,
             the
             convenience
             of
             Trading
             ,
             and
             found
             the
             place
             capable
             of
             being
             improved
             and
             cultivated
             ,
             they
             would
             presently
             send
             him
             a
             Colony
             of
             huge
             Mortals
             ,
             with
             large
             Hats
             and
             no
             Cravats
             ,
             to
             inhabit
             it
             .
             Whereupon
             —
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             Under
             Correction
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             this
             same
             Abbot
             of
             Clugny
             is
             a
             very
             uncivil
             person
             to
             put
             you
             out
             of
             your
             road
             thus
             .
             Come
             Sir
             ,
             your
             half
             hour
             is
             already
             past
             ,
             aud
             we
             won't
             be
             so
             unmannerly
             as
             to
             hinder
             your
             Devotion
             ,
             and
             make
             you
             more
             matter
             for
             the
             next
             Confession
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Goodsookers
             ,
             Mr.
             Eugenius
             ,
             are
             you
             going
             already
             ?
             Why
             ,
             I
             am
             but
             just
             enter'd
             upon
             my
             story
             ,
             and
             the
             best
             part
             of
             it
             is
             still
             behind
             :
             I
             'll
             trespass
             this
             once
             on
             Father
             what
             d'
             ye
             call
             him
             —
             If
             you
             'll
             sit
             down
             on
             the
             next
             Bench
             and
             hear
             it
             out
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             With
             all
             my
             heart
             ,
             provided
             it
             will
             be
             no
             injury
             at
             all
             to
             you
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             for
             I
             should
             be
             as
             loath
             to
             hinder
             a
             Poets
             Devotion
             ,
             as
             an
             Aldermans
             Alms
             ,
             or
             a
             Souldiers
             Sobriety
             ,
             the
             Reformation
             of
             a
             Player
             ,
             or
             the
             Loyalty
             of
             a
             Dissenter
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             'T
             will
             be
             no
             injury
             at
             all
             I'gad
             —
             Now
             once
             in
             my
             life
             ,
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             I
             'll
             borrow
             my
             method
             from
             a
             Country
             Parson
             .
             You
             know
             't
             is
             the
             way
             of
             those
             dull
             ,
             formal
             ,
             insipid
             Animals
             ,
             after
             they
             have
             made
             a
             long
             tedious
             harangue
             in
             the
             Morning
             ,
             to
             serve
             it
             up
             in
             the
             Afternoon
             as
             people
             do
             their
             cold
             Meat
             ,
             the
             better
             to
             imprint
             it
             in
             the
             memory
             of
             their
             Flock
             ,
             as
             they
             pretend
             ;
             but
             I'gad
             ,
             I
             say
             only
             to
             wiredraw
             the
             Afternoons
             discourse
             ,
             and
             save
             themselves
             the
             expence
             of
             a
             little
             Candle-light
             and
             thinking
             .
             Even
             so
             ,
             Gentlemen
             ,
             if
             you
             please
             to
             remember
             ,
             I
             told
             you
             that
             in
             the
             year
             One
             Thousand
             Six
             Hundred
             Eighty
             Five
             ,
             I
             chanced
             to
             go
             down
             to
             Greenwich
             ,
             with
             some
             Irish
             Gentlemen
             ,
             where
             for
             the
             space
             of
             two
             days
             (
             pray
             observe
             the
             expression
             ,
             because
             it
             came
             from
             the
             other
             side
             Wapping
             )
             Drinking
             had
             got
             the
             Weather-gage
             of
             Sobriety
             .
             But
             now
             I
             am
             come
             to
             tell
             you
             ,
             that
             the
             next
             morning
             after
             ,
             I
             looked
             as
             ill
             as
             a
             poor
             Gentleman
             of
             the
             Town
             ,
             who
             has
             past
             through
             a
             System
             of
             Natural
             Philosophy
             some
             half
             a
             dozen
             times
             at
             the
             Bagnio
             ;
             I
             was
             all
             over
             in
             a
             flame
             ,
             and
             so
             very
             sick
             (
             that
             though
             I
             am
             far
             from
             complementing
             the
             place
             )
             yet
             I
             should
             be
             very
             well
             content
             to
             have
             no
             other
             punishment
             inflicted
             on
             the
             Council
             of
             25
             at
             Geneva
             ,
             than
             to
             share
             that
             illness
             between
             them
             ,
             which
             I
             endured
             in
             my
             own
             person
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             
          
           
             I
             thought
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             that
             the
             man
             who
             could
             endure
             such
             a
             brunt
             for
             two
             days
             ,
             was
             a
             confirm'd
             season'd
             Debauch
             ,
             and
             that
             nothing
             could
             hurt
             him
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Alas
             Sir
             ,
             I
             seldom
             us'd
             to
             engage
             upon
             such
             hot
             service
             ,
             unless
             an
             extraordinary
             occasion
             happen'd
             ,
             and
             then
             I
             was
             sure
             to
             do
             sufficient
             Pennance
             the
             next
             morning
             .
             But
             to
             proceed
             Sir
             ,
             my
             Wife
             would
             of
             all
             loves
             perswade
             me
             to
             repair
             the
             breaches
             of
             Nature
             with
             a
             little
             Dyet-drink
             :
             
             No
             ,
             reply'd
             I
             ,
             not
             for
             all
             the
             World
             ,
             I
             scorn
             to
             be
             indebted
             to
             scandalous
             Dyet-drink
             for
             my
             health
             ,
             as
             much
             as
             I
             do
             to
             steal
             Verses
             from
             a
             Grave-stone
             ,
             to
             purchase
             the
             Reputation
             of
             a
             Poet
             :
             nay
             (
             continued
             I
             )
             I
             scorn
             it
             more
             than
             a
             Fanatick
             does
             to
             bind
             up
             his
             Bible
             in
             the
             same
             Calves-skin
             with
             the
             Common-Prayer-Book
             and
             Apocrypha
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             What
             relation
             ,
             pray
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             has
             the
             Common-Prayer-Book
             and
             Apocrypha
             ,
             to
             your
             Wifes
             Dyet-drink
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             None
             at
             all
             ,
             how
             should
             it
             ?
             It
             is
             only
             a
             Comparison
             ,
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             and
             a
             Comparison
             always
             ought
             to
             be
             surprizing
             :
             Well
             ,
             after
             I
             had
             consulted
             my
             constitution
             a
             little
             ,
             I
             was
             resolved
             to
             relieve
             my self
             with
             Brandy
             ,
             which
             accordingly
             I
             did
             ,
             in
             a
             Corner-shop
             of
             the
             Street
             ,
             and
             there
             fell
             into
             the
             most
             profound
             contemplation
             ,
             that
             ever
             any
             uninspired
             person
             was
             possess'd
             with
             :
             But
             ,
             pray
             ,
             Gentlemen
             ,
             what
             do
             you
             think
             it
             was
             that
             employ'd
             my
             meditation
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Why
             Hell-fire
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             for
             any
             thing
             I
             know
             to
             the
             contrary
             ;
             if
             ,
             as
             you
             say
             ,
             your
             contemplation
             was
             so
             very
             profound
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Well
             ,
             I
             protest
             to
             you
             ,
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             you
             are
             enough
             to
             make
             any
             body
             split
             with
             laughing
             :
             Hell-fire
             !
             I
             can
             assure
             you
             such
             a
             thought
             never
             came
             into
             my
             Head
             since
             my
             Nurse
             bound
             it
             up
             for
             me
             .
             Gad
             forgive
             me
             ,
             that
             you
             cou'd
             ever
             imagine
             a
             Poet
             should
             mortifie
             himself
             with
             such
             a
             consideration
             ;
             I
             am
             sure
             I
             have
             made
             more
             advances
             this
             way
             than
             any
             of
             my
             Tribe
             ,
             yet
             cou'd
             never
             ,
             for
             the
             heart
             of
             me
             ,
             travel
             further
             than
             Purgatory
             .
             But
             to
             deal
             honestly
             with
             you
             ,
             I
             thought
             of
             a
             certain
             business
             that
             was
             full
             as
             terrible
             I
             gad
             ,
             and
             that
             was
             this
             :
             I
             considered
             with
             my self
             that
             the
             general
             conflagration
             of
             the
             World
             could
             not
             be
             above
             ten
             years
             oft
             at
             the
             farthest
             ;
             which
             made
             me
             resolve
             to
             part
             with
             ▪
             all
             my
             darling
             sins
             on
             the
             sudden
             ,
             and
             betake
             my self
             to
             the
             protection
             of
             that
             Church
             ,
             which
             cou'd
             give
             me
             the
             most
             convincing
             assurances
             of
             Salvation
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             But
             pray
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             upon
             what
             ground
             was
             it
             that
             you
             believed
             the
             day
             of
             Judgment
             was
             so
             nigh
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             If
             you
             have
             a
             mind
             to
             edify
             ,
             Gentlemen
             ,
             by
             what
             I
             am
             going
             to
             relate
             ,
             I
             must
             entreat
             you
             to
             be
             very
             attentive
             ;
             for
             ,
             as
             the
             affair
             we
             treat
             of
             is
             exceeding
             nice
             and
             delicate
             ,
             so
             if
             you
             lose
             but
             one
             chain
             of
             the
             Demonstration
             ,
             you
             had
             as
             good
             have
             heard
             not
             one
             Syllable
             ▪
             I
             consider'd
             with
             my self
             ,
             that
             from
             the
             first
             peopling
             of
             this
             Island
             till
             the
             Reformation
             ,
             a
             little
             Ale
             ,
             encouraged
             with
             Sugar
             and
             Rosemary
             ,
             passed
             for
             an
             universal
             Cordial
             all
             the
             Nation
             over
             —
             This
             is
             my
             Principium
             —
             Which
             Levitical
             
               Aqua
               Vitae
            
             now
             and
             then
             interposed
             ;
             and
             I
             can
             exactly
             tell
             you
             how
             long
             the
             Eclipse
             endured
             ;
             that
             is
             ,
             how
             the
             Ale
             laboured
             under
             a
             disrespect
             ,
             and
             likewise
             how
             many
             digits
             were
             obscured
             ;
             that
             is
             ,
             how
             many
             Counties
             were
             guilty
             of
             using
             modern
             
               Aqua
               Vitae
            
             instead
             of
             primitive
             ancient
             Ale
             :
             but
             this
             being
             a
             nicety
             ,
             which
             perhaps
             needs
             not
             be
             so
             curiously
             examined
             ,
             t
             will
             be
             better
             to
             wave
             it
             ,
             and
             therefore
             I
             shall
             only
             desire
             you
             to
             remember
             ,
             that
             Ale
             ,
             prepared
             after
             the
             above-mentioned
             manner
             ,
             continued
             in
             very
             good
             repute
             and
             credit
             till
             the
             Reformation
             .
          
        
         
           
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Yes
             ,
             yes
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             and
             as
             I
             take
             it
             ,
             this
             Oecumenical
             Cordial
             of
             yours
             ,
             was
             confirmed
             in
             half
             a
             dozen
             Provincial
             Synods
             ,
             held
             in
             Cutlers
             Theatre
             ,
             in
             Warwick-lane
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             As
             for
             that
             ,
             I
             cannot
             pass
             my
             word
             ,
             friend
             Crites
             ,
             nor
             am
             I
             willing
             to
             say
             any
             thing
             but
             what
             I
             have
             from
             unquestionable
             Tradition
             —
             Now
             when
             the
             heat
             of
             Controversie
             and
             Enthusiasm
             had
             set
             the
             body
             Natural
             of
             the
             body
             Politick
             in
             a
             ferment
             ,
             it
             was
             observ'd
             ,
             that
             Ale
             and
             Beer
             were
             too
             cold
             for
             the
             Constitutions
             of
             the
             people
             ,
             and
             that
             they
             could
             no
             longer
             pass
             for
             Cordials
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             Alas
             !
             Poor
             discarded
             Ale
             ,
             how
             do
             I
             pity
             thee
             !
             That
             thy
             old
             companion
             Rose-mary
             ,
             the
             reliever
             of
             thy
             Infirmities
             ,
             and
             the
             support
             of
             Old
             Age
             ,
             should
             be
             forc'd
             to
             abandon
             thee
             !
             But
             pray
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             is
             Religion
             so
             great
             an
             Inflamer
             ?
             I
             never
             understood
             that
             piece
             of
             Philosophy
             before
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Your
             Protestant
             Religion
             inflames
             as
             much
             ,
             or
             rather
             more
             than
             a
             Hectic
             Feaver
             ;
             which
             I
             can
             make
             good
             by
             an
             undeniable
             demonstration
             to
             you
             ,
             if
             you
             'l
             both
             of
             you
             promise
             not
             to
             forget
             the
             foundation
             I
             have
             hitherto
             been
             laying
             down
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Why
             then
             I
             have
             this
             question
             to
             ask
             you
             ,
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             Were
             you
             ever
             at
             a
             Quakers
             meeting
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Very
             frequently
             Sir.
             
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Then
             tell
             me
             
               bona
               fide
            
             whether
             you
             ever
             saw
             a
             handsome
             Woman
             of
             that
             sullen
             perswasion
             ?
             Come
             confess
             the
             truth
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             That
             I
             have
             ,
             I
             can
             assure
             thee
             ,
             little
             Bays
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             You
             may
             take
             it
             from
             me
             ,
             she
             was
             a
             Novice
             then
             ,
             or
             else
             the
             heat
             of
             her
             zeal
             had
             certainly
             discoloured
             and
             sowr'd
             her
             countenance
             ,
             and
             made
             her
             look
             like
             the
             rest
             of
             her
             Sex
             in
             those
             Pagan
             Assemblies
             .
             It
             is
             an
             Article
             of
             my
             Faith
             ,
             that
             it
             is
             as
             impossible
             for
             a
             Woman
             to
             be
             a
             Quaker
             any
             time
             and
             handsome
             ,
             as
             't
             is
             impossible
             for
             one
             to
             be
             a
             man
             of
             business
             and
             not
             dull
             :
             If
             you
             take
             a
             Barrel
             of
             Ale
             and
             place
             it
             to
             the
             Sun-shine
             of
             your
             back-side
             ,
             perhaps
             in
             the
             first
             week
             you
             'll
             find
             no
             alteration
             ,
             but
             in
             two
             or
             three
             months
             it
             certainly
             turns
             to
             Vinegar
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Very
             right
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ;
             but
             prethee
             shut
             your
             hands
             of
             this
             simile
             as
             soon
             as
             you
             can
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             So
             likewise
             a
             She
             -
             Quaker
             for
             the
             first
             half
             year
             may
             make
             a
             shift
             to
             preserve
             her
             Beauty
             ;
             but
             afterwards
             ,
             in
             spight
             of
             all
             Spanish
             Wool
             and
             Pomatums
             ,
             the
             heat
             of
             her
             Religion
             will
             contract
             the
             Muscles
             in
             her
             face
             :
             Which
             is
             the
             reason
             that
             all
             your
             thorough-paced
             Women
             of
             that
             opinion
             have
             an
             awkward
             grinning
             sort
             of
             a
             look
             ,
             (
             for
             grinning
             ,
             whether
             you
             know
             it
             or
             no
             ,
             is
             nothing
             else
             but
             a
             contraction
             of
             the
             Muscles
             )
             and
             are
             as
             easily
             known
             by
             it
             all
             the
             World
             over
             ,
             as
             the
             men
             are
             by
             their
             set
             looks
             ,
             formal
             Hats
             ,
             and
             short
             Cravats
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             If
             you
             have
             done
             with
             this
             point
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             pray
             let
             me
             entreat
             you
             to
             reassume
             the
             business
             of
             the
             Cordial
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Well
             then
             ,
             Ale
             and
             Beer
             being
             ,
             for
             these
             reasons
             I
             mentioned
             ,
             thus
             
             disbanded
             ,
             we
             were
             forced
             to
             travel
             to
             the
             Canaries
             for
             a
             Cordial
             ,
             and
             accordingly
             brought
             over
             Potent
             
               Catholick
               Sack
               ;
               Sack
            
             had
             not
             long
             danced
             about
             in
             Thimbles
             and
             Spoonfuls
             ,
             but
             it
             desir'd
             to
             acquit
             the
             Apothecaries
             Shop
             ,
             was
             very
             ambitious
             to
             inhabit
             a
             Tavern-Vault
             ,
             and
             long'd
             extremely
             to
             converse
             with
             men
             of
             Wit
             and
             Gayety
             ,
             instead
             of
             Gossips
             ,
             Nurses
             ,
             Mid-wifes
             ,
             and
             decrepit
             Aldermen
             :
             But
             as
             familiarity
             makes
             every
             thing
             in
             the
             World
             contemptible
             ,
             so
             in
             a
             short
             time
             Sack
             grew
             out
             of
             fashion
             ,
             ceas'd
             to
             perform
             its
             ancient
             office
             of
             a
             Cordial
             ;
             and
             towards
             the
             latter
             end
             of
             the
             late
             Usurpation
             ,
             when
             we
             took
             Iamaica
             from
             the
             Spaniards
             ,
             was
             forced
             to
             resign
             it self
             to
             potent
             
               Brandy
               .
               Brandy
            
             having
             had
             a
             large
             uncontroll'd
             ,
             but
             a
             short
             reign
             ,
             stands
             now
             upon
             its
             Tiptoes
             ,
             and
             is
             making
             way
             for
             the
             Spirits
             of
             Wine
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             From
             what
             signs
             is
             it
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             that
             you
             conclude
             the
             downfal
             and
             overthrow
             of
             Brandy
             ?
             To
             my
             poor
             judgment
             now
             ,
             it
             seems
             as
             puissant
             and
             well-beloved
             a
             Monarch
             as
             ever
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Because
             it
             has
             of
             late
             years
             removed
             out
             of
             the
             City
             into
             the
             Country
             ,
             where
             I
             am
             sure
             it
             must
             ,
             like
             the
             Goddess
             of
             Justice
             ,
             take
             its
             last
             farewel
             of
             Mortals
             .
             Now
             after
             we
             have
             accustomed
             our selves
             to
             Spirits
             of
             Wine
             one
             half
             a
             score
             years
             ,
             and
             consequently
             ,
             heated
             our
             Tenements
             of
             Clay
             ,
             our
             bodies
             ,
             to
             the
             highest
             degree
             imaginable
             ,
             if
             ,
             as
             I
             told
             you
             before
             ,
             the
             Conflagration
             does
             not
             then
             happen
             ,
             according
             to
             this
             sure
             Infallible
             Calculation
             ,
             mind
             me
             ,
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             I
             give
             you
             free
             leave
             before
             your
             fuiend
             here
             ,
             to
             post
             me
             up
             in
             a
             Gazette
             ,
             for
             as
             scandalous
             an
             Author
             as
             the
             Modern
             Dealer
             in
             Natural
             History
             ;
             or
             ,
             if
             that
             won't
             serve
             your
             turn
             ,
             as
             the
             whole
             litter
             of
             Narrative-mongers
             ,
             bound
             up
             in
             a
             Volume
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             Truly
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             this
             is
             a
             very
             astonishing
             ,
             strange
             notion
             of
             yours
             ,
             as
             I
             ever
             heard
             in
             my
             life
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             I
             must
             needs
             value
             my self
             somewhat
             upon
             it
             ,
             because
             it
             is
             properly
             the
             product
             of
             my
             imagination
             ,
             and
             no
             person
             in
             the
             World
             ever
             thought
             of
             it
             before
             .
             But
             ,
             Gentlemen
             ,
             you
             'l
             entertain
             more
             favourable
             thoughts
             of
             this
             discovery
             ,
             I
             'm
             confiden●
             ,
             if
             you
             'l
             do
             me
             the
             honour
             to
             judge
             impartially
             of
             these
             two
             following
             collateral
             arguments
             ,
             which
             unless
             ,
             I
             am
             extremely
             deceiv'd
             in
             passing
             my
             opinion
             of
             things
             ,
             very
             strongly
             back
             ,
             and
             confirm
             the
             aforesaid
             Hypothesis
             .
             The
             first
             is
             the
             immoderate
             and
             excessive
             taking
             of
             Tobacco
             ,
             which
             pestilent
             ,
             noysome
             weed
             ,
             was
             brought
             into
             Europe
             much
             about
             the
             time
             when
             Calvin
             tapp'd
             his
             Anti-Hierarchichal
             Hogshead
             of
             Presbytery
             at
             Geneva
             .
             You
             are
             sensible
             that
             Children
             smoak
             more
             now-adays
             ,
             than
             even
             Souldiers
             and
             Carmen
             did
             heretofore
             ;
             and
             that
             more
             of
             this
             nasty
             stuff
             is
             spent
             at
             a
             beastly
             City-feast
             ,
             than
             would
             have
             served
             the
             whole
             Kingdom
             formerly
             .
             Now
             Tobacco
             drys
             the
             Brain
             ,
             inflames
             the
             Blood
             ,
             encreases
             Choler
             ,
             and
             takes
             away
             all
             that
             radical
             moisture
             ,
             which
             even
             the
             Brandy
             had
             the
             generosity
             to
             spare
             .
             So
             much
             for
             the
             first
             —
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Before
             you
             proceed
             any
             further
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             pray
             what
             do
             you
             think
             of
             the
             mighty
             request
             that
             Snuff
             and
             Coffee
             are
             in
             ?
             You
             know
             both
             
             of
             them
             are
             exceeding
             dryers
             ;
             will
             not
             this
             hint
             now
             serve
             to
             illustrate
             your
             Cause
             ?
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             You
             may
             say
             what
             you
             please
             of
             Coffee
             ,
             but
             not
             a
             word
             of
             Snuff
             ,
             Mr.
             Crites
             ,
             as
             you
             value
             your
             reputation
             ,
             't
             is
             too
             sacred
             a
             thing
             to
             be
             jested
             with
             ;
             you
             have
             free
             liberty
             from
             your
             Friend
             Bays
             ,
             to
             make
             bold
             with
             every
             thing
             in
             the
             world
             ,
             excepting
             Snuff
             and
             the
             dispensing
             Power
             .
             The
             other
             thing
             which
             confirmed
             me
             in
             this
             opinion
             ,
             is
             likewise
             very
             shrewd
             and
             convincing
             ,
             I
             could
             not
             but
             observe
             ,
             Gentlemen
             ,
             the
             great
             use
             of
             Deal
             within
             these
             few
             years
             every
             where
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             And
             what
             of
             that
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             you
             have
             no
             quarrel
             sure
             to
             the
             Norway-Company
             ,
             for
             importing
             so
             much
             of
             the
             King
             of
             Denmarks
             Timber
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             Not
             the
             least
             Sir
             ;
             but
             Deal
             ,
             you
             know
             ,
             by
             reason
             of
             its
             unctuous
             resinous
             substance
             ,
             is
             the
             soonest
             fired
             ,
             and
             the
             hardest
             to
             be
             extinguished
             of
             any
             Timber
             in
             Dodona's
             Grove
             ,
             and
             therefore
             it
             seem'd
             to
             me
             a
             flat
             design
             of
             providence
             ,
             to
             engage
             mankind
             in
             this
             tickle
             ,
             short-lived
             sort
             of
             building
             ,
             to
             fit
             their
             Houses
             as
             well
             as
             their
             Bodies
             ,
             for
             the
             Universal
             Conflagration
             :
             You
             know
             
               quos
               vult
               perdere
               Iupiter
               dementat
            
             ;
             and
             I
             am
             sure
             ,
             those
             that
             Iupiter
             intends
             to
             destroy
             by
             fire
             ,
             those
             will
             Iupiter
             by
             several
             methods
             and
             qualifications
             prepare
             and
             fitten
             for
             that
             business
             ;
             for
             it
             is
             not
             the
             way
             of
             providence
             to
             do
             things
             on
             the
             sudden
             ,
             but
             to
             proceed
             by
             degrees
             ,
             to
             dispose
             every
             particular
             circumstance
             for
             the
             ensuing
             affair
             ,
             and
             stay
             till
             there
             's
             a
             joynt
             concurrence
             in
             all
             the
             parts
             to
             advance
             the
             mighty
             Catastrophe
             .
             Thus
             ,
             Gentlemen
             ,
             you
             have
             my
             opinion
             of
             the
             whole
             ,
             and
             if
             you
             think
             it
             deserves
             the
             name
             of
             an
             Essay
             ,
             perhaps
             I
             may
             have
             it
             published
             amongst
             the
             curiosities
             of
             the
             next
             Bibliotheque
             Universal
             ,
             or
             printed
             by
             way
             of
             Appendix
             ,
             or
             Suppliment
             to
             
               Burnets
               Theoria
               telluris
            
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             I
             must
             confess
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             it
             deserves
             a
             publick
             appearance
             ,
             if
             you
             please
             to
             oblige
             the
             world
             so
             far
             ,
             which
             however
             you
             seem'd
             very
             loath
             to
             do
             ;
             but
             under
             favour
             ,
             Sir
             ,
             how
             came
             this
             same
             Speculative
             point
             to
             bring
             you
             over
             to
             the
             Catholick
             party
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             I
             'll
             tell
             you
             Sir
             ,
             hoping
             that
             the
             reasons
             I
             am
             going
             to
             ennumerate
             ,
             which
             were
             of
             that
             efficacy
             as
             to
             reduce
             me
             ,
             may
             be
             able
             to
             prevail
             upon
             both
             of
             you
             to
             quit
             your
             erroneous
             perswasion
             :
             I
             must
             confess
             my
             unskilfulness
             in
             a
             business
             of
             this
             nature
             ;
             and
             that
             I
             have
             not
             taken
             upon
             me
             the
             weighty
             province
             of
             gaining
             Converts
             long
             enough
             to
             say
             I
             shall
             make
             no
             mistakes
             in
             the
             management
             ;
             and
             therefore
             I
             must
             secure
             my self
             of
             your
             pardon
             before
             I
             advance
             into
             so
             intricate
             an
             undertaking
             —
             After
             I
             had
             thus
             faln
             upon
             this
             metaphysical
             contemplation
             ,
             I
             found
             my self
             concern'd
             to
             make
             the
             best
             provision
             for
             my
             Soul
             that
             I
             could
             ,
             and
             that
             it
             was
             high
             time
             to
             consider
             the
             circumstances
             of
             my
             wretched
             condition
             .
             I
             reflected
             upon
             the
             unhappy
             miscarriages
             and
             over-boilings
             of
             my
             Youth
             ,
             the
             solemn
             transgressions
             of
             my
             manhood
             ;
             the
             passion
             ,
             pride
             ,
             and
             complicated
             sins
             of
             my
             Old
             Age
             ;
             I
             call'd
             to
             mind
             the
             injuries
             I
             had
             done
             both
             Church
             and
             State
             ,
             and
             all
             those
             unlawful
             ,
             brutal
             attempts
             ,
             which
             in
             my
             former
             days
             
             of
             Ignorance
             ,
             I
             had
             made
             upon
             all
             the
             degrees
             of
             mankind
             ,
             and
             which
             I
             have
             so
             copiously
             related
             to
             you
             .
             At
             last
             ,
             after
             an
             impartial
             unprejudiced
             scrutiny
             into
             all
             the
             visible
             Churches
             of
             the
             Universe
             ,
             I
             found
             that
             the
             Catholicks
             only
             proceeded
             upon
             sure
             grounds
             ;
             that
             theirs
             was
             the
             well
             constituted
             Church
             which
             maintain'd
             Infallibility
             at
             its
             own
             cost
             and
             charges
             ,
             while
             all
             other
             Assemblies
             declined
             the
             expence
             ;
             that
             it
             had
             the
             discretion
             to
             keep
             an
             Ensuring
             Office
             in
             the
             
               Camera
               Apostolica
            
             ,
             and
             for
             a
             small
             consideration
             wou'd
             secure
             a
             mans
             Tenement
             ,
             with
             setting
             a
             Papal
             Phoenix
             upon
             it
             ,
             from
             all
             damages
             of
             Fire
             hereafter
             .
             —
             Wherefore
             ,
             at
             that
             very
             moment
             I
             shifted
             my
             party
             ,
             and
             betook
             my self
             to
             that
             Primitive
             Indulgent
             Mother
             ,
             which
             heretofore
             converted
             our
             Ancestors
             from
             Paganism
             ,
             and
             has
             ever
             since
             been
             attended
             and
             adorned
             with
             a
             continued
             series
             of
             Miracles
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             I
             hope
             however
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             you
             'll
             preserve
             a
             charitable
             thought
             of
             the
             establish'd
             Religion
             ,
             for
             all
             it
             came
             from
             King
             Henry's
             incontinence
             ,
             since
             your
             own
             Reformation
             proceeded
             from
             a
             Debauch
             ,
             and
             had
             its
             birth
             ,
             growth
             and
             full
             maturity
             in
             a
             Brandishop
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             I
             might
             be
             enclined
             Sir
             ,
             to
             do
             such
             a
             thing
             ,
             if
             it
             could
             be
             allow'd
             with
             any
             tolerable
             convenience
             ,
             but
             if
             you
             once
             forbid
             a
             Romanist
             to
             meddle
             with
             that
             Topic
             ,
             he
             has
             as
             little
             to
             say
             as
             a
             Bully
             when
             you
             tye
             him
             up
             from
             swearing
             ;
             or
             a
             Poet
             ,
             when
             you
             debar
             him
             the
             liberty
             of
             repeating
             ▪
             'T
             is
             not
             to
             be
             granted
             ,
             Mr.
             Crites
             .
             But
             now
             ,
             because
             I
             will
             proceed
             regularly
             in
             my
             discourse
             ,
             you
             shall
             first
             of
             all
             hear
             those
             exceptions
             which
             I
             made
             to
             the
             Protestant
             Assemblies
             ;
             and
             secondly
             ,
             the
             reasons
             which
             confirmed
             and
             settled
             me
             in
             the
             bosom
             of
             the
             Roman
             Catholick
             Church
             .
          
        
         
           
             Eugen.
             
          
           
             With
             all
             my
             heart
             ,
             but
             I
             think
             we
             had
             best
             retire
             to
             some
             more
             convenient
             place
             in
             the
             Walks
             ,
             for
             I
             see
             some
             company
             coming
             forward
             .
          
        
         
           
             Bays
             .
          
           
             God
             so
             ▪
             'T
             is
             the
             Learned
             Author
             of
             the
             
               Nubes
               Testium
            
             ,
             and
             the
             worthy
             person
             who
             has
             done
             the
             Christian
             World
             such
             Service
             ,
             in
             proving
             that
             the
             belief
             of
             a
             Trinity
             is
             not
             settled
             upon
             a
             better
             bottom
             than
             Transubstantiation
             :
             I
             have
             promis'd
             ,
             now
             I
             remember
             ,
             to
             dine
             with
             them
             at
             a
             Noble
             Gentlemans
             in
             the
             Hay-Market
             ,
             and
             therefore
             I
             must
             request
             you
             to
             excuse
             me
             at
             present
             —
             But
             if
             you
             please
             to
             give
             me
             the
             meeting
             at
             Wills
             Coffee-house
             ,
             about
             Three
             in
             the
             Afternoon
             ,
             we
             'l
             remove
             into
             a
             private
             room
             ,
             where
             over
             a
             Dish
             of
             Tea
             ,
             we
             may
             debate
             this
             important
             affair
             with
             all
             the
             solitude
             imaginable
             .
          
        
         
           
             Crites
             .
          
           
             Agreed
             ,
             Mr.
             Bays
             ,
             We
             'l
             not
             fail
             at
             the
             place
             and
             hour
             appointed
             to
             wait
             upon
             you
             .
             
               Antiquam
               exquirite
               matrem
            
             is
             the
             word
             ,
             and
             so
             farewel
             .
          
        
         
           FINIS
           .
        
         
      
    
     
       
         Notes, typically marginal, from the original text
         
           Notes for div A29786-e180
           
             
               See
               the
               Preface
               before
               the
            
             Religio
             Laici
             .
          
           
             *
             
               Printed
               by
            
             Tonson
             .
             1685.
             
          
        
         
           Notes for div A29786-e2060
           
             *
             Ded.
             Epist.
             before
             Limberham
             .
          
           
             
               First
               part
               of
               the
               Miscell
            
             .
          
           
             
               Religio
               La●●●
            
             the
             Pref.
             
          
           
             Pref.
             to
             Absol
             .
          
           
             Prol.
             to
             the
             Spanish
             Fryar
             .
          
           
             *
             Mr.
             
               Blunts
               Religio
               Laici
            
             .
          
           
             
               Prol.
               to
               the
            
             Spanish
             Fryar
             .
          
           
             
               First
               part
               of
               the
               Miscell
            
             .
          
           
             
               Ind.
               Emp.
            
             
          
           
             
               Hind
               and
               Panther
               ,
               p.
               119.
               
            
          
           
             
               First
               part
               of
               the
               Miscell
            
             .
          
           
             First
             part
             of
             the
             Miscell
             .
             p.
             274.
             
          
           
             
               P.
               264.
            
             
          
           
             
               First
               part
               of
               the
               Miscell
            
             .
          
           
             
               Spanish
               Fryar
            
             .
             p.
             36.
             
          
           
             Absol
             .
             and
             A●bi●
             .
          
           
             
               The
               Medal
            
             .
          
           
             
             .