The late converts exposed, or, The reasons of Mr. Bays's changing his religion considered in a dialogue : part the second : with reflections on the life of St. Xavier, Don Sebastian King of Portugal, as also the fable of the bat and the birds. Brown, Thomas, 1663-1704. 1690 Approx. 254 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 39 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2004-05 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A29779 Wing B5061 ESTC R13424 12647947 ocm 12647947 65199 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A29779) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 65199) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 345:15) The late converts exposed, or, The reasons of Mr. Bays's changing his religion considered in a dialogue : part the second : with reflections on the life of St. Xavier, Don Sebastian King of Portugal, as also the fable of the bat and the birds. Brown, Thomas, 1663-1704. [16], 60 p. Printed for Thomas Bennet ..., London : 1690. Pt. 1 was previously published as: The reasons of Mr. Bays changing his religion. London, 1688. Pt. 3 was published as: The reasons of Mr. Joseph Hains, the player's conversion and re-conversion. 1690. Satire by Thomas Brown on Dryden's conversion. Cf. DNB. "Licensed, January 8, 1689" Advertisement: p. 60. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Dryden, John, 1631-1700. 2004-01 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2004-02 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2004-03 John Latta Sampled and proofread 2004-03 John Latta Text and markup reviewed and edited 2004-04 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion The Late CONVERTS Exposed : OR THE REASONS OF Mr. BAYS's Changing his Religion Considered in a DIALOGUE . PART the Second . WITH Reflections on the Life of St. Xavier . Don Sebastian King of Portugal . AS ALSO The Fable of the BAT and the BIRDS . Parcite Oves nimiù● procedere , non benè ripae Creditur , ipse Aries etiam nunc vellera siccat . Virg. Ecl. 3. Rode Caper vitem , tamen hinc cum stabis ad aram , In tua quod fundi Cornua possit , erit . Ovid. Fast. Licensed , Ianuary 8. 1689. LONDON , Printed for Thomas Bennet , at the Sign of the Half-Moon in St. Paul's Church-Yard . 1690. THE Reader may be pleased to observe , that most of the following Sheets were written in the Late Reign , and then designed to be published : But the Author , who had promised to make a Sacrifice of Mr. Bays yearly , did not think there lay any great obligation upon him , to sacrifice himself , and an Honest Bookseller , to the indignation of Mr. Hills of Pious Memory . He has been since prevailed upon , at the intreaty of some Friends , to alter the Dialogue where he saw convenient , and so to Print it : For doing which , he has not the vanity to imagine the Reader will thank him , because it comes out so very unseasonably ; only he presumes Mr. Bays and Mr. T-ns-n will be sensible of the kindness , since it may help to revive a certain remarkable Poem , which might otherwise have been forgotten . Preface to Mr. Bays . I Make bold to dedicate the following Dialogue to your self ; for who can pretend a better right to the entertainment , than he that has furnish'd out the better part of it at his own expence ? They are your own Arguments , only for the present occasion untagg'd , and divested of their dearly beloved Rhime , and you are too much a Gentleman I know , Mr. Bays , to quarrel with me for so doing : You that have so often disguised the thoughts of other Authors , by altering the property , and putting them into Metre , cannot in Honour or Iustice quarrel with your humble Servant , for taking the liberty to turn some of your own Poetry into Prose . The truth on 't is , such pretty reasonings , for their own safety , ought no more to visit the World out of the Livery of Verse , than a Bully of Alsatia to walk the Streets on any other day but a Sunday ; 't is a Garb that becomes them so extreamly well , that methinks 't is as much pity they should ever be forced to part with it , as for an Actress that becomes her Play-house Habit , and Charms half the Town by Candle-light , to be surprized in her ordinary Dress , dans une brillante assemblée . And so far , Mr. Bays , all the World is obliged to justifie you ; I don't mean for changing your Religion , but for defending it with the most plausible arms , that can be employed in its Service . You know the Criticks of all Ages have fallen very severely upon Lucan , for treating a true History in Verse , and if that reason hold , I think your Divines ought , every Mother's Son of them , to be condemned , for treating a Poetical Subject ( as I look upon the whole body of your Italian Theology to be ) in Prose . And now , Worthy Sir , to perform my promise to the World , which every honest man is bound to do , I here Sacrifice your Hind and Panther once more , to the memory of Mr. Quarles , and John Bunyan ; which Oblation , I hope , will become the more pleasing and acceptable , through the merits and intercession of Mr. Sh-dw-ll , Mr. S-ttle , Mr. N-rris , Mr. Cr-ch , Mr. D-rfy , Dr. Beest-n , and all the rest of your fellow Poets in Christendom . I must confess , Mr. Bays , that some years ago , I little imagined that I should ever have the opportunity of contesting with you upon this score ; if your Christian Mercury could have settled long in any communion , I durst have sworn the Established Church could have made the justest pretensions to you ; and as long as so good a pledge as the Religio Laici continued in our hands , I flatter'd my self , that you durst no more revolt to the other Party , than a King of England durst make a descent into France , that had pawn'd his Prince of Wales to the Society at Paris . But this it seems is an Age of Miracles . Who could expect to see the difference made up between the Observator , and the late Occurrencer ? Or that those two everlasting Adversaries , who one would have thought , like two Parallel lines , if they had been drawn out till Doomsday , could never have met , should lay aside old grudges , and write for a Toleration ? Who could imagine that the Fanaticks , who had hitherto oppos'd the Iust Rights of Princes , would on the sudden offer Incense to the Dispensing Power , and pimp to the Prerogative ? Or while so many Refugees came daily over to us from France , that your Party could have the assurance here to disown the Spirit of Persecution . Who could ever hope , till the re-converted Mr. Sclater showed them the way , that the Jews wou'd take up the Cudgels for Transubstantiation , or that those nice humoursome Gentlemen , that all along expected to find their Messias under a Royal Character , wou'd now be content to acknowledge him disguised in a Wafer ? Who could believe , till the Bishop of Meaux had satisfied the World as to that particular , that a Corporal Presence was a received principle of all the Reformed Churches ? This policy , I must needs say it , was refined enough , and I suppose , Mr. Bays , your Church-men borrowed it of the Venetians , who love dearly to sit idle at home , and fight out their battels by Foreigners . When you had once proved that the Jews and Protestants belonged to your Communion , there was no question to be made , but that the Turks and Pagans must fall in of course to uphold your Universality , just as whole Provinces and Towns in Flanders , used to drop into Grand's Chamber of Dependancies . Lastly , to compleat our astonishment ( for the greatest Prodigy is still behind ) what mortal Man in the three Kingdoms , could Dream that Mr. Bays , the Poet , would renounce the Devil and all his Works , would condescend to think of saving his precious Soul , and espouse the Catholick Cause , that he had so often ridicul'd and banter'd upon the Theatre ? Far be it from me , my most noble Play-wright , to speak this with a design to blame you , for justifying your Church in Verse ; for , as you may well remember , I have commended you for using that conduct . No , no , honest Mr. Bays , like Tullie's Fiddler , that defined the Soul to be Harmony , so you in like manner , when you wrote the Hind and Panther , ab arte tua non recessisti , you never flinch'd from your old Profession ; and let the ill-natured World say what it will , I am still ready to maintain , that your above-mentioned immortal piece of Controversie , is but the second part to your Essay upon Dramatick Poetry . Indeed , as Sir Roger L'Estrange in his History of the late times , has judiciously observed , that Murder is of no Religion : so I was in good hopes that false dealing and dissimulation were of no Religion ; but a little experience in the World , and the first year of the late Reign sufficiently convinced me of the contrary . We were from all quarters arraign'd for mis-representing your Church , when no body , as I know of , was guilty of that Crime , but only your selves . To say the truth , Popery is like some sort of Painting , which is to be view'd at a convenient distance , and by an ill light , for otherwise the courseness of the colours will appear too visible ; and upon that score , it must be acknowledg'd your Missionaires lay under a temptation to palliate some of the grosser Doctrines ; but I question whether that way of proceeding did not do you a more sensible disadvantage than you were aware of . Your Predecessors , I am sure , though they lay under the same inconveniences , managed the cause with more sincerity , they argued like Gentlemen of Honour , and maintained all the controverted points as long as they were tenable : at last when they were beaten out of the field , they entrenched themselves behind an Ecclesiastical Mud-wall of Fathers and Councils , and contented themselves , as well as they could , with the Churches Infallibility . They had the charity to believe , that most of their Adversaries could write , and read , that some of them had travelled abroad , and now and then for curiosity peeped into a Popish Chappel , and therefore thought it an ill advised policy to deny those practises that were too notorious to be disowned , but generously endeavoured to defend them . Whereas the modern Polemics , as if they had fallen amongst a Herd of meer Indians , that had never conversed with the rest of mankind , were for putting the most intollerable shams in the World. Your Religion was unpalatable enough of all Conscience , before these Spiritual Pioneers undertook the handling of it , but their awkward management made it a thousand times worse than ever . Transubstantiation of it self , the Lord knows , is a very mortifying , Self denying Doctrine ; but two Czars , and two Transubstantiations are one too many for a Town , or a Church ; and to oblige us to renounce our reason and senses , almost in every other Doctrine , as well as that , was an insupportable presumption . We were told , Mr. Bays , you never made any formal addresses to the Saints , to the utter confusion of the Breviaries , and the Missal ; and if they had told us at the same time , that the Fanatics never made any formal addresses to K. James for his charitable Indulgence , we could not tell how to help our selves ; we were informed that the Deposing Doctrine was no principle of your Church , to the everlasting shame of the La●eran Council ; that only a civil respect was paid to Images and Reliques , that cutting of Throats for the score of Religion was a great sin , that the Scripture was no Dumb letter , no Weathercock , nor Nose of Wax as was formerly given out , with abundance more of such pretty Tenets , for which many an honest Heretic has had his Tabernacle carbonadoed beyond Sea. A certain worthy Author , supposed to be Georgius Barzon , the titular Bishop of Waradin , in a Treatise which he dedicated to the Emperour some twelve years ago , tells him , that he was no longer oblig'd to tolerate the Lutherans in Hungary , because tho he had sworn to make no invasions upon the Augustan Confession ; yet he was at large now whether he would observe his Oath or no ; since the Protestants had departed in several particulars ( which he there mentions ) from that Confession . After this followed , as all the world knows , one of the bloodiest Scenes that ever that Country saw ; which whether it were owing to this Incendiaries Sophistry I cannot tell , but any one may see he was a well-wisher to the design . Now if we , Mr. Bays , had been so malicious as to have trumped the same Card upon your Priests , writ a Letter to the Pope , and told him , Worthy Sir , Whereas certain persons , here in the Kingdom of England , who pretend themselves to be true Catholics , have shamefully denied and misrepresented most of the established Doctrines of your Church ; have discarded your deposing power ; and made you dwindle from the Universal Bishop into the Western Patriarch : nay and to do greater affronts to your unerring Person , have acquainted all His Majesty's Subjects , that you eat and drink just for all the world like other men , and keep a Close Stool too for your private occasions , nothing of which we could have believed before : This is to acquaint your Infallibility with their Names and Offences , that you may reduce them to their duty in time , for we are afraid , if they continue still to make the same advances into Heresie , as they began , that they 'l every man of them turn Protestants , before the year 's ended , and so become chargeable to the Parishes , where they live . Had we done this , Mr. Bays , as you know we had reason enough to do it , I dare not take upon me to conjecture , what had been the event ; whether immuring between four Walls , or a Pilgrimage to Lapland , or their Ecclesiastical Livery pull'd over their Ears , but certain I am , that he had disown'd them for his Sons , as heartily , as a former Pope disowned a certain French Bishop , that was sent to him in his Military Habit. As I was a saying before , Mr. Bays , your Predecessors managed the controversie much more like Gentlemen , than those that pretended to manage it after them in the late Reign . If they palmed any spurious Fathers upon us , it is to be considered , that such artifices were the ancient laudable practice of their Church , witness Constantine's Charter , and the forgery of the Nicene Canons ; that they found them ready cut and dried to their hands , and so drew them out of the Papal Armory , to support a declining cause , that could not otherwise subsist ; and how far this policy is allowable in a state of war , I leave it for the Casuists to judge . After all . Forgery it self , as odious and despicable as it looks , is not in my opinion half so black a crime , as down-right lying , as you know , Mr. Bays , counterfeiting another mans hand is nothing near so bad , as denying his own : There is some art and dexterity required in the one , but there is nothing but barefaced impudence , or cowardise in the other . He that puts false Dice upon me at play , will be reckned ( as the world goes now adays ) an expert Gamester , and I only to be blamed , that would suffer my self to be so imposed upon ; but he that shall tell me Seven and Four is not Eleven , or that a Deuce is a Cinque , is to be used after another manner . Therefore I could methinks willingly excuse your Ancestors , who conjured up some supposititious Authors to defend the principles of their Church , ( because it had been our fault , if we had not discoverd the trick ) but I shall never forgive those everlasting Blockheads , that disowned most of the Doctrines of their Religion , all the while they were a practising them within doors . If it had been my fortune , Mr. Bays , to have been in company with the Author of the Nubes Testium , or the Speculum Ecclesiasticum , I promise you , upon the word of a Young Author , that hopes to flourish in this wicked World , I had not fallen into the least passion or fury , but only offered them a little sober advice : Pray good Gentlemen , don't squander away the poor Patrimony of the Church after so profuse a manner ; take some mercy of your Fathers , and don 't set them all upon one single throw ; consider how many hundred years they have been a gathering for you , use your Fathers frugally and discreetly , do you think their keeping has cost the Pope nothing all this while ? Let St. Ierome and St. Austin come on to day , and bring St. Ambrose , and honest St. Bernard , into the Field to morrow . Take a Friends Counsel , Gentlemen , and never hazard all upon one chance : Alas ! He that throws away his Fathers extravagantly , was never at the pains of collecting them himself ; as we say , that Aldermans Son that makes Ducks and Drakes with his money , never knew the trouble of getting it ; and therefore , good Gentlemen , pray don't make Ducks and Drakes with your Fathers . This is all , Mr. Bays , I assure you , that I should have said to them , but if I had met with the Bishop of Meaux , or any of the Misrepresenters that Copied from him , I don't know how far my resentments might have carried me . We have all the reason in the World , Mr. Bays , to thank our Stars , that your Divines in the late Reign proved as feeble Statesmen , as they were Disputers . Had a wise able Cabal , men of foresight and conduct , been to manage so golden an opportunity , perhaps we might have had as much reason then to curse the dexterity of their Policies , as we have now to congratulate their Blunders . Infallibility was the word in the Church , as Arbitrary Power was in the State , and by the sound of these two Almighty Words , you thought to Proselyte the whole Nation , but experience has since convinc'd you , how little they signified . Of a Iesuit , before we came to make trial of him , we had as terrible an Idea , as the Romans had of Elephants in their War with Pyrrhus ; we forgave them for being so tamely vanquish'd in the age before , and charitably ascribed it to the restraint they lay under in former Reigns , but when they had the Government to support them , besides the goodness of their Cause , we expected nothing less than miraculous performances . They were pleased , however , to disappoint our expectations in that case , as well as several others , till at last they grew so very contemptible , that even one of our Protestant Footmen took a Father of the Society , and held his Nose to Dr. Sherlock's Preservative , just as the Americans , to try the immortality of their new Invaders , took a straggling Spaniard , and dipt his Head under water . We expected you would have performed your promises , in relation to the Established Religion , not so much for the principles of your Church ( for those we knew very well ) as for your hon●ur and interest , and yet even there you thought fit to disappoint us . What need I say more ? There was nothing in the whole riddle of the late Reign , that did not fail our expectations , except the Irish that came over , and the Dissenters ; the last promised to Sacrifice their Lives and Fortunes , as the former , without question , promised to fight : But as we all imagined , neither of them kept their word , and therein they answered our expectation . Certainly , Mr. Bays , no men in the World ever miscarried so shamefully in all their projects as your Priests did , they acted the Counter-part to Dionysius's Story , came from a School to a Kingdom ; and like him too , at last , were thrown from a Kingdom to a School . They took care , we thank them , to break the Neck of their Religion before they withdrew , and left us of the Reformation to interr her , and we shall take care , like the young Gentleman that buried his penurious Father , to lay so heavy a Tomb-stone upon her , that she shall never rise in judgment against us . There 's a remarkable passage , Mr. Bays , in your Tragedy of Don Sebastian , about Clergymen , which I shall make bold to transcribe . For Churchmen , tho they itch to govern all , Are silly , woful , awkard Politicians ; They make lame mischief , tho they mean it well . Their Interest is not finely drawn and hid , But seams are coursly bungled up , and seen . Whether you had an eye upon your own Church-men , when you wrote these lines , does not signify a farthing , but for your comfort , Mr. Bays , the Character suits them as exactly , as if they had sate for their Pictures . To give your old Enemies , the Dissenters Liberty of Conscience , after you had so unmercifully harrast them before , was so palpable a Sham , that without dispute they understood it well enough , and tho for their present case they accepted of it , they were not such errant fools to imagine , that because Fanaticism brought in Popery , therefore Popery would out of complaisance bring in Fanaticism . To publish King Charles's Papers that were pretended to be found in his Closet , was another lamentable miscarriage , for what could create a greater aversion to your Church , than to let people know , that it tolerated a man to live in a contrary Perswasion , notwithstanding he was otherwise obliged by every thing that was sacred here upon Earth , and that it countenanced the blackest Hypocrisie . I dare not take upon me to conjecture , whether those Papers were spurious or no , but by making them publick , I am sure King Charles secured as many to the Established Church , as he did by passing the Test ; and if I had been one of the Cabinet-Council , I am sure I had sooner consented to let the Bible walk abroad in English than to Print them . To ride the late Unhappy Monarch after that unsufferable rate as your Priesthood did , to make the best of Friends , and the justest Master , a Prince that had every thing that was Generous and Heroick in his Nature , condescend to feel the Pulse of his meanest Officers about the Penal Laws , to make him Sacrifice his Promise so solemnly plighted to his people ; what was it but to let the Subject see beforehand , how triumphantly you wou'd domineer over him , if you had once got the ascendant ? Tho you had Adulterated all the Ecclesiastical Writers between this and the Creation , we could have pardoned you , but for debauching a Prince that was so dear and tender to us , and who 's only fault was to take you for Oracles , we shall never forgive you . To ridicule us for holding Passive Obedience a Doctrine , which you ought for your own sakes , to have been encouraged , and cultivated , was so gross a piece of Stupidity , that a Laplander one would have thought , could never have been capable of ; and if we have not lived up to the height of that principle , you are , to my knowledge , the unfittest men in the World to make the objection . To make Transubstantiation stand upon as good a bottom as the Trinity , and pretend that we had as great reason to believe one as the other , what other consequences could it naturally produce , but that both Doctrines were to be equally rejected . And indeed , Mr. Bays , I am apt to believe , from the conduct and management of your Priests , that since they could not introduce their Religion amongst us , they thought it the best expedient to set up Atheism . For as St. Jerome , in his Treatise Contra Vigilantium , has somewhere observed ( and why may not I , Mr. Bays , palm a Father up●n you , as well as your party has palmed a thousand upon us ? ) A Papist and an Atheist differ like a jealous man , and a Cuckold , like Alderman and Mayor ; a little time makes one the other . Sow Atheism in one Age , and it will infallibly produce Popery in the next ; for Popery begets Atheism , and Atheism begets Popery , just as Peace and Poverty beget one another in the Almanack . The World is a very melancholly place , with●ut the diversion of one Religion or another ; Statesmen or Poets , would in a short time trump up some new way of Worship , to amuse the people , and after their recovery out of Atheism , Popery , as the grossest Religion , would soonest take with Mankind , just as when one comes out of a dark Cave , or a Dungeon , the grossest objects first employ the eye-sight So that in my opinion , Mr. Bays , your Canon-Law ought as well to have taken care , that a Sceptick and a true Catholick should never Marry , for fear of committing Incest , as it has already provided , that those that have stood God-father , and God-mother at a Baptism should not joyn , to the tune of for better for worse , for fear of violating the rules of a spiritual Consanguinity . If you say , this is uncharitably urged upon you , I cannot tell how to help it , for if we do not run out into the rankest infidelity , we are not to thank your Church for hindring us . But now to come more closely to you , Mr. Bays , I should never have taken this second occasion of reviving your old Transgressions , but that you have lately given us the justest provocations in the world to attaque you . You tell us in your Preface to Don Sebastian , That if ever a man has reason to set a value upon himself , 't is when his ungenerous Enemies are taking the advantage of the Times upon him , to ruine him in his reputation . Now what reputation you have to lose is a mysterie to me , or any one else that knows you ; that little you had , has been lost and forfeited many years ago . The City and Country Mouse ruined the reputation of the Divine , as the Rehearsal ruined the reputation of the Poet ; so that upon this score , Mr. Bays , whatever Adversaries shall fall upon you for the future , you may as well comfort your self , that you have no reputation to lose to them , as many a poor Prisoner in Ludgate blesses his condition that he has no money to part with to the present Government . You have indeed forefaulted your Lawrel , and Historians place ; that 's all the advantage the times have taken on you , and you may well admire the mercifulness of the Government , that it has not punished your Panther ribbaldry , and desertion , ( for I will not call it Apostasie in a Poet ) with a severer mortification . If you are weary of living without an employment ( as I see very little probability you have of regaining that you have lost ) I de e'en counsel you to go over to Spain , to get an office in the Inquisition ; for , Mr. Bays , if you make no more conscience of killing men elsewhere , than you do on the Theatre , you are the fittest person in Europe for it . But prithee why so severe always upon the Priesthood , Mr. Bays ? What have they merited to pull down your indignation ? I thought that ridiculing the men of that Character upon the Stage , was by this time a T●picas much worn out with you , as Love and Honour in the Play , or good fulsome flattery in the Dedication . But you I find , still continue your old humour , which we are to date from the year of Hegira the loss of Eaton , or since Orders were refused you : whatever hangs out either Black or Green Colours , is presently your prize , and you would by your good will be as mortifying a vexation to the whole Tribe , as an unbegetting year , a concatenation of Breifs , or a voracious Visiter : So that I am of opinion you had much better to have written in your Title page , — Manet altâ mente repostum Judicium Cleri , spre●aeque injuria Musae . Than the Nec Tarda Senectus , and all that . For tho you are so complaisant to your Reader , as to tell him , of the Lustre , and Masculine Vigour , in which it was written , of the newnesses of the English , of the noble daring in the Figures ; and that in the roughness of the numbers , and cadences , he will see somewhat more masterly than in most , if not any of your former Tragedies ; yet me give me leave to tell you , Mr. Bays ▪ the world thinks otherwise of it , because you come duller off with your Clergy in that , than the Spanish Fryar . They judge of your wit by the smart repartees you pass upon the Priesthood ; if it fails you there , they conclude it goes very hard with you : From your usage of the Churchmen they know how your fancy falls and rises , as exactly , as we know how the air is disposed , from the mounting and sinking of the Quicksilver in a Weatherglass . If you were to write a thousand new Plays , and to change your Religion as often , no question , Mr. Bays , but the last would still be the best ; and therefore the Town will no more believe you for the future , when you commend your Plays , than a jealous Citizen when he commends his Wife . You say , you are growing old , and therefore assume to your self the right of talking ; if we are to guess at your age only by that , why then , for any thing I know to the contrary , you may live as long as Me huselah , Mr. Bays ; for ever since I have heard of your name , you have assumed the same liberty . To be plain with you , honest Mr. Bays , you acquired your self a reputation by your Poetry , and you have lost it by your Poetry ; as a certain nameless Author about Town , who has exactly calculated the fall of Antichrist , got a name by a Somnium Navale , and parted with it , in a Somnium Theologicum . And now , Mr. Bays , if you please to give me leave , I 'le make bold to examine two or three points , relating to your Religion , in this place , because the rules of Dialogue , you know , tye up a mans hands from making any continued Discourse . I shall begin then with your Infallibility , because if that were evidently proved , it would soon put an end to the Dispute ; and here I cannot but observe what perplexities your Doctors are in , to adjust this affair . They prove the infallibility of the Scripture , by the infallibility of the Church ; and the infallibility of the Church , by the infallibility of the Scripture . After the same manner , as Sir Roger tells us in his above-mentioned History , the evidence of the late Popish Plot , were at a loss , whether to bring Sir Godfrey's murder to the Plot , or the Plot to the murder ; but at last so managed the matter , as to make the murder prove the Plot , and the Plot the murder . But to be serious with you , Mr. Bays , where is this infallibility of your Church to be found at last ? Why say you , and most of your Divines that live on this side the Alps , in Pope and Council ; as for a Council , there 's none sitting at present , or if there were , I hate as mortally to look after Infallibility in a Crowd , as to carry a Letter to Mr. such-a-one living in London , without naming the Street and Sign : Neither this , or that Bishop , and so on of the rest , make any pretensions to it ; and tho no individual man in the Assembly claims any right to the Title , yet we must in complement to you , believe that the Body shares it among them ; but for my part I can as little endure to hear of Accumulative Infallibility , as of Accumulative Treason . 'T is very true there 's a promise made somewhere in Scripture , to preside over Two or Three that meet upon a Religious Score , but the condition of the Obligation is , Si in nomine meo convenerint , which I presume those people can never pretend to have fulfilled , that can decree Articles of Faith with a Non Obstante , to a Primitive Institution . The Italians , that we have reason to suppose , understand the question in hand better than any of their Neighbours , by having the Infallibility reside amonst them for so long a time , utterly dislike this opinion of the Tramontani , and make a Council as unnecessary a thing to the Pope , as the Parliaments in France are to their All-Mighty Monarch . I am so far of their Opinion as to believe , that if such a thing as Infallibility is any where to be found , it must be lodged in one single person , and therefore I am resolved for trying the experiment , to go and give him a visit at Rome ; and here I see as little signs of Infallibillity , as in any Princes Court in Christendom , unless the errours and irreligion of the place , be an argument that he dwells amongst them , as we observe in England , that people generally talk most Treason near the King's Palace . Sometimes , indeed , I see a Grave Old Gentleman , who as they tell me , assumes this venerable title , carried in procession up and down the City , when he saves the poor ignorant people ( as the old Romans did their Gladiators ) by holding down a finger and a thumb ; and this is , unless I am mistaken , Soloecismum manu facere , even according to the letter . Sometimes I see him , as on a Maunday Thursday , with abundance of solemnity , and Christian compassion , deliver three parts of the Globe into the hands of old Satan , by which tenure I suppose , he holds his Spiritual Iurisdiction , and his Mannor of the Vatican ; as a certain family in Buckingham-shire , Mr. Cambden tells us , held their Lands of the King , by being obliged to furnish his Royal Bed with fresh straw , whenever he came in progress to that side of the Country . If I inquire into the History of Infallibility , they inform me here , that it was very ignorant , and very obstinate under the late Pontificate , and that the Man of Sin did not understand the Language of the Beast . If I trace it farther , I find that in the Reign of Pope Innocent the Tenth , or rather Donna Olympia , it was seated ( as the French call it ) en quenouille , that in former times it has suffered an Interregnum for forty years , that it has fornicated , blasphem'd , offer'd Sacrifices to Idols , deny'd the Immortality of the Soul , committed Incest , studied Magick , tolerated Sodomy , dispens'd with Murder , and occasion'd most of the Wars and Desolation , that have plagued this part of the World for the ten last Centuries . To recount all the Impieties that his story stands charged with , were as endless a piece of trouble , as to reckon up all the Treasons and Rebellions since the Conquest ; and I believe , Mr. Bays , you 'll find it as difficult a matter , in the end , to reconcile what has been mentioned to the Infallible Character he sustains , as to reconcile his two incompatible Titles , Rex Regum , and Servus Servorum , to one another . One that has either read or heard of these passages , wou'd be apt to conclude , that as the Romish Religion is only a continuation of Paganism , so that Platina's History is but the second part to Suetonius's Lives of the Caesars ; so I find , I must e'en quit my Lodgings , and leave Roma la Santa , if I have a design to see Infallibility . Migrandum est mihi longius , vel illi . When I have removed out of the City , I may , perhaps , be so happy as to meet the long expected Object ; for as the same Poet observes , Vicinus Novio , vel inquilinus Sit , quisquis Novium videre non vult . The English of which , Mr. Bays , is this : He that has a mind never to trouble his Eye-sight with Infallibillity , must take himself a House in Rome , and the nearer the Vatican , or St. Peters , so much the better . Two Texts in the Bible ( a Book which he very scurvily requited afterwards ) Tu es Petrus , and Pasce Oves meas , first acquired him this Reputation , in a dull , barbarous unthinking Age , and that soon brought along with it the Temporal Power which he now possesses ; but it 's no easie matter to determine , whether he most scandalously behaves himself on his Secular or Spiritual Administration , for he lets his Subjects , amidst all their plenty , starve in the most fruitful Country in the World , and suffers them too , for all his pretences to an Unerring Spirit , to be over-run with the grossest Ignorance and Superstition . If a Socrates , or a Plato , or a Race of honest Heathens of the same stamp had presided in the Chair , I question whether the Christian Religion had received so much injury as it did , from the conduct of the Popes , unless they had expressed as great a passi●n for the Welfare of the Church , as they have done all along for the raising of their Nephews ; and then , perhaps , most of th●se shameful miscarriages had been prevented . I can't tell , Mr. Bays , whether he 's sensible of the kindness , but I am sure your Infallibility is obliged for that little Christianity and Learning which is remaining in his Territories , to the Reformation , or Luther's defection ( as you call it ) as a Learned Traveller has observed that the preservation of Spain , in this Age , is intirely owing to the happy revolt , the Hollanders made from it , in the last . Your Divines , I know , tell another story , but where Interest and Prejudice blind people , there 's no sincerity to be expected , they magnify and preach up the Papal Infallibility , in hopes to inp●y the same when they are rais'd to the Supream Elevation , as I don't question but from the same principle they have practis'd , and justify'd the Invocation of Saints , to have the same Adoration paid to themselves or their friends ▪ another day . To conclude then this troublesome tedious discourse about your pious Pastor's Infallibility , if ever , Mr. Bays , you alarm me with it any more , I must return you the very same answer , that a certain Gentleman gave Dr. Oates about his Narrative , and tell you plainly , I believe just as much , and not a syllable more , than he believes of it himself . I come now , Mr. Bays , to consider in the next place , the Antiquity of your Church , which , all of your Pamphleteers take for granted , belongs to you , and in commendation of which ▪ they employ all their little stock of Eloquence , when the Novelty of the Reformation has somewhat discompos'd them . When I first read Caranza , and some others of your Authors of the same strain , I was afraid they 'd have carried their Religion an Age or two above the Incarnation , as well as their predecessors in Chronology , the old AEgyptian Priests , made themselves some thousands years older than the Creation . They tell us , that Anacletus , the third Pope after St. Peter , Decreed , That all difficult questions should receive their final determination from the Apostolic Chair . That Alexander , his immediate successor , recommended Holy Water to the Church . That Anicetus commanded the Priests to shave their Heads in fashion of a circle , for a certain grave reason , which will serve them for changing their Shirts once a Week , as well . That Pope Fabian pass'd an Order , that Bishops should carefully observe to renew the Chrism once a year in their Churches . I need not give my self the trouble to pursue these puny Historians any farther , because these instances , Mr. Bays , may serve to give you a taste of the rest ; only from this blind account of the Primitive times , a man would be tempted to think , that for the three first Centuries , after their receiving Christianity in Rome , they had no such thing as a Distinction of time ; as Pliny tells us , that for a hundred and twenty years , ab Urbe Condita , they had no distinction of hours . Now , supposing all that I have mentioned out of the Decretal were true ( as I am sure 't is every syllable an Imposture ) I can only say this , Mr. Bays , that the Mystery of Iniquity began to operate very early amongst you , and that your Church might with a great deal of justice , use the famous Quartilla's saying in Petronius , Junonem iratam habeam , si me unquam meminero fuisse Virginem . But for your comfort and satisfaction , Mr. Bays , we are able to prove that she was not debauch'd so soon as you pretend , but continued in her state of Maiden-hood a good considerable time after , tho we expect you 'll no more thank us for such a performance , than a she-Cut-purse at the Old-Baily , that hopes to save a hanging by pretending a big belly , wou'd thank a Iury of Midwives for bringing her in not with Child . Alas ! St. Peter's Successors in those days , had other business on their hands than to amuse their Flock with such idle impertinencies , and you might as soon perswade me , that a man of tolerable sense , would send to consult with his Peruke-maker about the newest fashion , just an hour before his Execution , as that your Bishops wou'd entertain their people in these trifles , these No-parts of Christianity , when they were to prepare them for Persecution and Martyrdom . No , no , Mr. Bays , your Roman Religion was no more perfected in one day , than the City was built in one day , 't was the labour of several Ages to bring it to its present splendor and condition ; and part of it , like our St. Pauls here in the City , was finished and adorned , before so much as the foundation of the other end was laid . And thus you know , Mr. Bays , in the business of Tragedy and Comedy , Thespis began it in a Cart , AEschylus not long after introduced it upon the Stage , and in succeeding Ages , when the Government was wholly employed in cultivating the Theatre , it received the additional beauty of Chorus's , Scenes , Machines , and other decorations . After all , if your Party cannot be perswaded to drop their pretensions to Antiquity , but they must needs continue their claim still , I 'd e'en advise them to make the most of the plea as they can ; they may give out that those two noble Philosophers , I mean Zeno , that deny'd local motion , and Anaxagoras , that held Snow to be black , were Members of your Church , and stiff asserters of Transubstantiation : Their principles , all the world knows , have nothing in them that contradicts a Sense-renouncing Doctrine , and , I am sure , they may be urged upon us , with greater show of probability than either a St. Cyprian or a St. Austin . I have I cannot tell how , run my self into a longer Preface , by far , than I at first designed ; whether it is your example , Mr Bays , that has betrayed me into this extravagance , or whether my matter flowed upon me so abundantly , that it was impossible to check the tide , I know not ; but I shall make bold to tell you in your own words , that when I address my self to you in a discourse of this nature again , whatever fault I commit , you may rest assured , it shall not be that of too much length . I have only a word or two to say to the Devotion , and Canonization of your Church , and then I have done . A man has all the reason in the world to entertain but ordinary thoughts of your way of worship when he finds à la veue , that your Devotion was altogether fitted to the Ceremonies , and not the Ceremonies to the Devotion . Thus for instance , a show of Candles made a pretty figure in the Church , they helped to set off the Pictures , and the rich habit of the Priests , and for that reason principally they were introduced : But after they had continued some years in the Church , it was thought expedient to assign a better reason for them , so some body stumbled upon Ego sum Lux Mundi , and from that time Candles dated themselves Jure Divino . Thus likewise the Elevation of the Host was set up , not for any Devotion or necessity , for every body knows that Transubstantiation was a hundred years old before it was decreed ; but Holy Church was resolved to bring in that Ceremony , whether a pretence cou'd be offer'd for it or no : At last , a Monk proved it out of Psal. 72. v. 16. There shall be a handful of Corn in the Earth upon the top of the Mountain . A man sees nothing like Elevation in our English Version , but for your comfort , Mr. Bays , the word Elevabitur is to be found in the Latin Translation , and then the handful of Corn was immediately turned into a Wafer , and the top of the Mountain was to pass current for the Priests Head. Whether or no these reasons were thought of , at the same moment as these Ceremonies commenc'd in the Church , or afterwards , as I imagine they were , is no great matter ; for any one may see from the absurdity of them , that the reason was rather made for the Ceremony , than the Ceremony for the reason ; so that I cannot but apply an ingenious passage in Monsieur Vaugelas , with a little alteration of the words , upon this occasion . Ce'st faire comme à la feste des Saturnales , ou les Serviteurs estoient servis par leur maistres , la devotion estant comme la maistresse , & les Ceremonies comme les Serviteurs . And the truth on 't is , nothing else cou'd be expected , when the Monks were the only Masters of the Ecclesiastick Ceremonies , and brought in their adulterated Ore to the Papal Mint , to receive there a Canonical Stamp . They lived in ease , and fed high , and mistook every Hypocondriac fit for a Revelation ; they had too much ignorance and stupidity to assimilate ( as the Physicians term it ) their Devotion , and therefore it broke out into Watchings , Dreams , Silences , Hours , Altars , Images , Murmurings , Rosaries , Unctions , Ashes , Palms , Beads , Crosses , Tapers , Holy Water , and such Scorbutick humours . In the Addresses which you pay to the Saints ( which is indeed the principal Devotion of your Church ) a man would find himself extreamly mistaken , if he expects to meet with any thing that is rational and solid : For admitting that that kind of Worship were allowable , yet the choice that you make of your Saints for some little resemblance or jingling of his name , is so very ridiculous , that it can admit of no defence . And this has been curiously observed by Monsieur Menage , the Hesychius of France , who upon the word Acariastre , has remark'd that for the Conformity it bears to the name of Acarius , therefore they made their recourse to that Saint for the cure of this Malady . Ainsi on est ( says he ) s'est addressé à Saint Mathurin pour les fous , qu ' on appelle en Italien Matti ; à Saint Eutrope pour les hydropiques ; à Saint Auertin pour les Vertigineux , qu'on appelloit autrefois Auertineux ; à Saint Mammard pour les maux de Mammelles ; à Saint Main pour les rongnes des mains ; à Saint Genou pour la goutte ; à Saint Aignan pour la taigne ; à St. Clair pour le mal des yeux ; à St. Ouen pour la surdité ; a Saint Fenin , qui est comme les paysans de Normandie appellent Saint Felix , pour ceuz qui sont tombez en chartre , ils appellent fenez ; à Saint Atourny , c'est Saint Saturnin , pour ceux a qui la teste tourne . Par cette mesme raison on a eu recours pour les choses égarées , qu'on appelle épaves , a Saint Antoine de Padoue . I need not Translate this passage into English , because most of the jests will be lost in the Translation , but for the satisfaction of the English Reader , he 's to imagin that the Saint is only chosen for the conformity of the name , as if our Sales-men here in the City should choose St. Francis de Sales for their protector , and the Merchant-Adventurers should pitch upon St. Bonaventure . And now I am discoursing of the Saints , I have oftentimes admired that since you leave most of your Cities under their protection , you never paid that complement to them , which the Old Romans used to pay to their Tutelar Gods ; I mean , that when you sit down before the siege of any place , you have not the good breeding to invite the Saint , to whose care the Town is committed , to a better station , and beg his pardon for disturbing him in his quarters . I wonder ( I say ) Mr. Bays , that such a thing was never practised , both because there 's a great appearance of civility in it , and because , as it has happened , the whole Form transcribed out of the old Roman Pontifical , is still to be found in Macrobius ; and you know a Pagan Ceremony , if your Infallibility pleases , is as easily changed into a Christian Rite , as Agrippa's Pantheon was turned from a Temple of all the Gods , into a Church of all the Saints . And this has led me to consider the merits of your Canonization , which needs no formal conviction , being one of the absurdest impostures , that the world ever knew . 'T is an unaccountable thing how most of your Saints got into Heaven , and , to make them amends , when they are there , they are as unaccountably worshipped . Indeed if preferring a person to the Almanack , signified only this , That on St. Dominic's day it would be convenient to let Blood , and cut Corns ; on St. Ignatius's day to geld Hogs , or drench Horses ; on St. Francis's day to raise Melons , and sow Cucumbers ; that St. Xavier should preside over such a Fair , or such a Market , it were no very great matter ; we should never grudge them so small a courtesie ; but when we see a Divine Adoration entailed upon them , immediately after their preferment to the Calendar , we are naturally led to enquire , whether they deserved so great an honour , and whether the person that advanced them to it , had the authority to make the promotion . Some of them I am sure , as St. Dominic for instance , were sad gloomy ▪ Wretches here upon earth ; and unless the place has mightily altered them for the better , a man of sense would have very little temptation upon him to wish himself in the company . After all , I am afraid they have no more right to the place they possess , than the Pope had to give it , for I never read that St. Peter left the power of making Gods en appanage , or by way of Portion to his Successor . As he is Pope , he has no more title to Canonize , than my Lord Mayor has to confer the honour of Knighthood ; and therefore , Mr. Bays , I would advise you for the sake of your Brother Poets , to take the matter into your own hands , for originally , I am sure , the Poets only pretended to bestow such favours , and what may serve to bring them into play again , they can Canonize a great deal cheaper than the Pope . Horace , you know , is very positive to the point , Musa vetat mori , Coelo Musa beat , part of which Ode I will translate , and so take my leave of you . I. From dark Oblivion , and the silent Grave , Th' indulgent Muse does the Great Heroe save ; 'T is she , forbids his Name to dye , And brings it to the Stars , and sticks it in the Sky . II. Thus Mighty Hercules did move To the Eternal Palaces above ; Not all his Twelve Exploits advanc'd him to the Sphere , But 't was the Poets Pain , and Labour brought him there . III. Thus the fam'd Spartan Twins did rise From Ornaments of Earth the Glory of the Skies : Tho Heav'n by turns they do obtain , Yet in Immortal Verse the Brothers joyntly reign . IV. And Bacchus too , for all his vain pretence , Borrow'd his Crown , and God-head hence : He by his Pow'rful Juice first taught the Muse to fly , And She in kind requital gave him Immortality . Will 's Coffee-House in Covent-Garden . Crites , Eugenius and Mr. Bays . Bays . WELL Gentlemen , I find you are punctual to the Assignation , and now if you please , we 'll fall to the business in hand without any more Preface , or Ceremony . You know I promised to make you acquainted in the first place with the motives which obliged me to leave the Church of England , and afterwards to give you the reasons why I setled in the Romish Communion . This method I design to follow , because it will give us a full view of all the Controverted Points between both Parties ; but I must make bold to ask you one Civil Question or two , before-hand , since it is so material to our present affair ; and that is , whether you have seen a famous Poem of mine , called The Hind and Panther ? Crites . Seen it , Mr. Bays ! Why , I can stir no where but it pursues me ; it haunts me worse than a Pewter-Button'd-Serjeant does a decayed Cit : Sometimes I meet it in a Band-Box when my Landress brings home my Linnen , sometimes whether I will or no , it lights my Pipe in a Coffee-House ; sometimes it surprizes me in a Trunk-makers Shop , and sometimes it refreshes my memory for me on the backside of a Chancery-Lane Parcel — For your Comfort Mr. Bays , I have not only seen it as you may perceive , but have read it too , and can quote it as freely upon occasion , as a frugal Tradesman can quote that Noble Treatise , called The Worth of a Penny , to his Extravagant Prentice that revels in Cock●ale , Stew'd Apples , and Penny Custards . Bays . Then take it from me , Mr. Crites , you have read the most Exalted , the most Sublime Piece of Poetry , that was ever extant in the Universe . It contains , without vanity I may say it , all the Arguments that can be proposed in behalf of the Unerring Guide the Churches Infallibility , Transubstantiation , Tradition , and the like : So that if this were not an age wherein people were resolved never to trust their Faith out of the company of their Reason , I should not question to reduce half the Kingdom in due time , only by the Sweetness and Majesty of my Verse . But pray , Mr. Crites , do me the favour to tell me what the sinful world has said to this Noble Off-spring of mine . Crites . Troth Mr Bays the sinful world , as you call it , is very much divided about the point , and who can help it ? Some persons allow it as little quarter as the Inquisition does a Tract of Lutheran Divinity ; and others again speak as favourably of the Author , as the Dissenters do of the late Immortal Pacqueteer . Some say you chose a Religion , tho it were none of the best , only to confront the World that you had one , like the Young Prince in the Rehearsal , who was glad to own the Fisherman for his Father , rather than lye under the scandal of having none at all . Some commend your policy for treating your subject in Rime , because , as they pretend , the Polemic is no more obliged to answer for the Paralogisms of the Poet , than the New-made Lord is concerned to pay the debts of the private Gentleman . Lastly , the more Censorious sort question the sincerity of your Conversion , and are apt to believe , that although you have drawn your Pen in the Churches quarrel , you 'd scarce be allow'd the humble favour to stand Godfather for a Bell , and promise in the Bells name , that it shall scatter Tempests , disperse Evil Spirits , and disarm Thunder and Lightning ; for like malicious persons as they are , they observe that you have made the Panther in that noble Episode of the Swallow , tell a better and more pertinent story , than even your Catholic Hind . In fine , since you 'l have all out together , they say if your own Party ever comes to tell Noses , that they must be forced to serve you , and the rest of the New Converts , as the Turkish Janizaries do their other Foot-Battalia's , place you in the Front , and encompass you round , because you have got such a damnable trick of running away from your Colours , that you are not to be trusted in the Rear . Bays . And is the World then so wickedly disposed as to question the sincerity of my Conversion ? Oh tempora & mores ! I cou'd almost resolve with my own Almanzor , that henceforward all mankind should walk upon Crutches . I can't tell , I gad , what to offer farther in my own defence , than what I have done already , except only this which comes in my Head on the sudden . — Pray Gentlemen did you ever hear of a certain Noble Grecian call'd Ajax ? Eugenius . What he , that wore as many Cow-hides upon his Shield , as wou'd have furnished half the King's army with Shoe-leather ! Bays . The very same Sir. — Now this Ajax , you must know , was Hector's Cousin-german , and I 'le acquaint you how the Kindred came in . Priam's Aunt , no I mistake I gad , Priam's Sister — Eugenius . Was a very honest Gentlewoman , for any thing I know to the contrary . But prithee Mr. Bays setting that business aside , let us know what you have to say to Ajax ? Bays . Nay , if you 'l have story in its puris naturalibus , without the Pedigree and all that , ee'n thank your selves for it — Why then , once upon a time an Assignation being made between Hector and his Cousin Ajax to determine the war in a single Combat , just before the Trumpets sounded , Hector tells his Noble Kinsman , that if he certainly knew which part of his Body was Trojan , and which was Grecian , he 'd spare the one out of a respect to his pious Aunt , but slash , cut and mortifie the other like Lightning . The whole passage you may find in the Tragedy of Troilus and Cressid , which with some little variation from the Original , I will thus apply to my self . But pray listen — Were my Commixion Hind and Panther so , That I cou'd say this Hand the Panther's is , And this the Hind's — Mr. Eugenius for God's sake attend , — The Sinews of this Leg All Panther , this all Hind ; The Panther's Blood Runs in the Dexter Cheek , and this Sinister Bounds in the Hinds — Incomparably good I vow to Gad ; and now follows one of the finest Oaths in Christendom — By Jove Multipotent I wou'd not bear from hence that Pagan Member , Wherein my Sword should not impression make . In plain English , Mr. Crites , if I thought I carried any Protestant Blood about me , I 'de tap it this very moment with my trusty Tilter , and write a Letter of Defiance with it to all the Calvinists and Socinians l'gad in the Universe . I cou'd wish with all my Soul , that the troublesome Quietist yonder on the other side the Hills , had made as true and sincere a Recantation as I have done ; for , between Friends , if this fails to give satisfaction , I can't tell what will — And now , Gentlemen , pray let me have your Opinion of the Poem , for methinks as long as I stand in your good graces , I should not be much concern'd if all the Town besides should censure it . Eugenius . Faith little Bays , to deal freely with you , I have the same indifferent thoughts of the Poetry as I have of the Subject , and cou'd never have imagin'd , but for the clear conviction you have given me in the matter , that the Hind had obliged her Converts to part with their Wit , as well as their Reason . I am afraid she has served your Muse , as they serve Jesuits in Swedeland , and so disabled her , that you 'l scarce be able to dribble so much as one single Madrigal for any of your New Friends in the Almanac . Besides , to pursue my quarrel a little farther , I am angry that a Dramatist should either trouble himself or others with matters of Controversie . For tho I confess it seems somewhat generous in a Poet , to defend that Religion which was first introduced by Poets , or Men poetically given , yet still the Character is unnatural : Something must of necessity drop from him , that is not suitable to the gravity of his Undertaking , and for all his Conduct , his Muse and his Devotion will no more keep together , than the Young Lady , and the Pious Grandmother at a Smithfield Show . You may remember , Mr. Bays , how the famed * Astrea , once in her Life-time , unluckily lighted upon such a Sacred Subject , and in a strange fit of Piety , must needs attempt a Paraphrase of the Lord's Prayer . But alas poor Gentlewoman ! She had scarce travell'd half way , when Cupid served her as the Cut-Purse did the Old Justice in Bartholomew-Fair , tickled her with a Straw in her Ear , and then she could not budge one foot further , till she had humbly requested her Maker to grant her a private Act of Toleration for a little Harmless Love , otherwise called Fornication — Thus you see , Mr. Bays , that in my Opinion , a Poet is none of the fittest persons in the World to write a System of Divinity , or to deal in Controversie . Bays . Well Sir , this is but one Doctors judgment however ; but what say you Mr. Crites ? Crites : For your comfort , Mr. Bays , I am not of my friends opinion here , but think you have very honestly discharged the duty of a Poet , which obliges him to preserve and maintain his Character still to the last . You know what our great Master Horace says to this point , Servetur ad imum qualis ab incepto processerit ; and I am sure you have kept close to the Text. As you began with a very indifferent Religion , so ( Heaven be praised ) you have not much m●●ded the matter since in your last choice ; and in my opinion it was but reason that your Muse , which appear'd first in a Tyrants quarrel , should employ her last efforts to justifie the usurpations of the Hind . But this is not all , Mr. Bays , you had it seems a design in your old age to sacrifice your reputation , and how cou'd you do it more honestly than the same way you got it , that is , in Rhime ; or sacrifice it in better company , than when you parted with your Senses , Reason , and Conscience all together ? Bays . So Sir , I find I am very much beholding to you ; and have you any more of these Complements still behind ? Crites . Yes several of 'em , Mr. Bays ; as first and formost , we own our selves extreamly obliged to you for that honest well-meaning Motto in your Title-Page , * Antiquam exquirite matrem . For as long as we have the Grace to follow that direction , few of our Gentlemen I believe will be for making the tour of Italy ; and your Hind in all probability will send as few Proselytes upon a Pilgrimage to Rome , as old Mr. Sclaters Galatinus will send to Ierusalem . Bays . Oh this wicked profane Generation ! But pray Sir proceed — Crites . Indeed as for the * Vera incessu patuit Dea , which accompanies it , most of the Critics about Town are of opinion that it fits the Old Gentlewoman of Endor much better than the Italian Madona you designed for , who they say has been observed to have a strange hobbling in her gate , ever since her Female friend miscarried in the Lateran : And therefore they advise you by all means to lend it honest Elkanah against his next Edition of Pope Ioan , for there , they pretend , it wou'd be a very seasonable pertinent jest , which it is not in the place where now it stands . Just as you know Mr. Bays the Venio sicut Fur is a very pat and agreeable thought on the Dial at Newgate , but wou'd lose very much of its poignancy , if it were removed to the Pillar in Covent-Garden . Bays . I perceive Mr. Crites where the Shooe pinches , but 't is no more than what I expected : This back-biting and slandering does not come upon me a l' improvisse . My Saviour and my Soveraign had enough of it in their times . Nay I gad , I knew well enough my Book wou'd make every Mothers Son of you angry — Crites . Faith little Bays I am so far from being angry , that I cou'd hugg thee a hundred times over , for the performance ; it was the most acceptable piece of Service you cou'd have done us , because we are all in very good hopes now , that the Savoy-Pamphleteers will no more invade us with those outworn arguments in Prose , which you have so prophan'd in your Poetry . 'T will put your Church to the charges at least of new Consecrating those Spiritual arms , which have been so unhallow'd in the usage by a secular hand . For to return some of your own words upon you at parting . You 've made the benefits of others studying , Much like the the Meals of Politic Iack Pudding Whose dish to challenge , no man has the courage , 'T is all his own when once h' has spit in 's Porridge . Bays . Well Gentlemen I thank you both very heartily for the good opinion you have of your humble Servant , and now I hope you 'l allow him the liberty of a little Christian raillery in his turn . Eugen. By all means Mr. Bays , begin as soon as you will. Bays . Allons Messieurs . Have at your Established Church , for I design now to proceed to my Reasons why I quitted her Communion ; they are some half a score in number , and ( tho I say it ) such swinging two-handed Reasons , that any single Reason among 'em , well mounted and planted , is enough to demolish the Foundation of any Church in the Universe . But can you guess either of you which of all this jolly company of objections I intend to begin the assault with ? Crites . Not I by my troth Mr. Bays , for I believe it 's less difficult by far to assign the true motive of your going over to the Church of Rome , than to assign any good Reason for your leaving the Church of England . Eugen. Since you 'l needs put your friends to the trouble of guessing for you , considering you are a Poet and all that , I am apt to believe you 'l make your first attacque upon our Translation of the Psalms , because the Panther never set you on work to rectifie ' em . As I knew a trusty Glasier the last Summer , who because he was not employ'd to mend the Church-windows , took pet , and went to a meeting . Bays . Upon Honour Mr. Eugenius that was not the case , tho since you have refreshed my memory as to this point , I must freely own before you both , that I was always extreamly scandalized at your allowing of Hopkins and Sternholds Poetry to be Sung in your Churches . Crites . God so Mr. Bays ! Was your Brother Hopkins so great an Eye-sore to you ? Bays . Not so great an Eye-sore by the half , as he has been an Ear-sore to me , for I thank my Stars Mr. Crites I never mortify'd my self with reading a Syllable of him in my Life time . As the peevish old huncks in the silent Woman hir'd him a House as far from the rattling of Coaches as he cou'd meet with , so I have done the same in relation to a Church , and you might as soon wheedle Iohnson's Morose if he were alive again into the Wits Coffee-House , as perswade me now into any of your Churches . You cannot imagine how strangely I have found my self discomposed , when I have passed by any of those places where the Congregation has been bellowing out the Psalms , so that of late years I run away as naturally from that unsanctified thing called a Clark of Parish , as an Irishman from a her'd of Prentices , or the rest of my own Profession from a Lampooned Courtier , or a bilked Bookseller . En verite Mr. Crites if I have the wind of him I can smell his ekes and ayes and his other expletives about him half the length of Cheapside . Crites . And that 's much the same distance ( as I take it ) that they say Father Ignatius cou'd smell out a Heretic . But methinks this subject has inspir'd you with a great deal of gayety Mr. Bays : I perceive you can play the Droll as well as the best of 'em , when you have a mind to it . Bays . The truth on 't is Gentlemen my talent lyes a little that way ; but as I was saying before , there 's a certain business in the Churches about Town , which I extreamly fancy , and that is , the setting up Organs to drown the insupportable harshness of the noise ; which peice of policy I suppose they have borrowed from the old Israelites , who were use to beat Kettle Drums all the while they Sacrificed their Children to Molok , in order to stifle their cryes . Eugen. Faith little Bays I cou'd scarce have believed you had the Heart to treat any of your own Tribe with so much severity . If you allow no other quarter to your Brother-trespassers in Rime , what mercy can a trader in prose expect from your hands . But prithee Mr. Bays why did you never own this grievance in public , that the state might have found some way or other to redress it . Bays . Tho I have frequently done it in a Coffee-House as here before you Gentlemen , yet I was always unwilling to charge the Panther with these Translators in Print : Because , do you mind me Mr. Crites , it wou'd look a little ill and all that , for a Poet to do such a thing : People wou'd be apt to think he did it for his own interest , and to get himself employ'd by the next Convocation . Just so , as Cardinal Bellarmine tells us , the Apostles never recommended the worshipping of Saints in their Writings ; but left it in trusty hands to be communicated four or five Ages after , for fear the Heathens might take occasion to reproach these self-denying Gentlemen for establishing their own adoration . I know , Mr. Crites , a person of your Judgment can never relish such insipid stuff as we have been discoursing of ; pray tell me then what possible defence can be made for your Church , or how it can be stiled pure and primitive , which is so corrupt in her Poetry , and allows such a vile translation of the Psalms in her publick Devotions . She has longed every Ash-Wednesday any time this hundred years to have the primitive discipline of Pennance restored , and may long as many years , for all I know to the contrary , to have her Poetry reformed . Crites . You have chose a very ill person , Mr. Bays , to satisfie your Conscience in this point , for I believe any of your new Friends the Dissenters can better inform you how these aforesaid Psalms stole into the Church than my self . Perhaps they were allow'd for the good of the Lungs of the body politic , or else to reduce some of our people who had been used a ouvrir la bouche at Geneva , and cou'd not subsist without it here in England ; the Magistrates at that time were willing to connive at 'em , as some of your former Popes complyed with Images , Incense , Holy-Water , Tonsure , and other Ceremonies of Pagan extraction , to bring over the Heathens with greater ease into the Christian communion . But after all , Mr. Bays , rather than this matter shall hinder any Proselytes from coming to the Panthers Church we 'll freely part with ' em . Bays . Part with 'em , Mr. Crites ? That 's a good jest I'gad . Your people I am sure will sooner part with their Magna Charta , than lose an inch of their birth-right in Hopkins and Sternhold . Part with 'em , Mr. Crites ? Why you shall as soon perswade me that the Spanish King will part with his Whiskers , dry 'em to powder , and then send 'em in his Royal Snuff-Box for a present to the West-India Company at Amsterdam , as that the good people of England will ever consent to part with the Psalms . Eugenius . Nay have a care what you do , Mr. Bays , for if you pursue this Matter too far , you 'l ee'n oblige me against my inclination to consider the Poetry of your own Church , and unless I am mightily mistaken , a man that has any leisure or appetite to mortifie himself that way , may find as Incorrect Language , as Unwarrantable Expressions , and as barbarous a Spirit in your Hymns and Services , as ever the never-to-be-forgotten Wisdom was guilty of ; with this only difference , Mr. Bays , that whereas our old fashioned , Translators were honestly content to palm a few ancient words upon us , and no more , the Authors of your Offices have made bold to advance a step or two beyond 'em , even into the Territories of Blasphemy . What think you Sir of the Iure Matris Impera Filio ? and all those admirable Complements to St. Ioseph , St. Ioachim , St. Wilgefortis , the three Kings of Colen , the eleven thousand Ursulins , &c. which I would now offer to your pious consideration , but that a Friend of yours designs to publish 'em in a Set Treatise , which intends to visit the Press very speedily . Or Lastly , tell me whether Tom. Sternhold , or any of his Fellows ever Burlesqued the Psalter and the Te Deum with that freedom as a Cardinal of your own Church , and one of the Burgesses of the Roman Almanac , I mean St. Bonaventure has done ? When you have reflected upon all this , and are able to justifie it , we 'll give you free leave to make what sport you please with any of the Above-mentioned Gentlemen , but till that time we desire you to be civil to ' em . And now I fancy you had better proceed to a new point , than meddle any more with this . Therefore pray let us know what you have in the next place to object to the Panther . Bays . If it must be so as you 'l have it , why then the second thing I quarrel with your Church for , is the Marriage of her Clergy-Sons , and I think I I have so effectually lashed this Ecclesiastical Devil of Incontinence , that he 'l scarce be able to show his Head above Ground in my time at least . Speaking of the blessed effects which the Reformation produc'd among us , I subjoyn these following Lines , Here Marriage pleasures midnight Pray'rs supply , And Mattin-Bells ( a Melancholly Cry ) Are tun'd to merrier notes , Encrease and Multiply . An excellent thought I gad , and I dare swear half the Clergymen in the Kingdom will hereafter think the worse of the First Chapter of Genesis for my sake . A little below , meeting with the German Reformer , I take care to inform the World , that Little Martin , in order to make his way to Paradise the pleasanter Be thought him of a Wife e're half way gone , For 't was uneasie travelling alone . You may observe here , Mr. Crites , that the German Divines can no more go to Heaven without Company , than they can drink without Company : And as for Luther , I think I am pretty even with him now for calling the Pope Antichrist , since I have made him one of Mahomets Disciples , and a well-wisher to the Alcoran . But the severest touch of all is toward the end of my Book , where I occasionally take notice , that a plain Good Man whose name is understood , refused to take the Communion from the Panther's Chaplains , chiefly I gad , because they were Married . Nor Consecrated Grain their Wheat he thought , Which new from treading in their Bills they brought . The finest Metaphor certainly this , as ever enter'd into any Poets Pia Mater . I have abundance more of such witty hints up and down in my Poem , which I cou'd recount to you , but these may suffice at present , only for your diversion I 'le acquaint you with a little conversation , which I lately had on this subject at a place of publick meeting — I cou'd with some patience ( said I ) hear an Italian or a Spaniard condemn the Church , for enjoyning a Chastity which is hardly practicable under the influences of a warmer Clymate ; but here in England where a Feeble Sun , a Phlegmatick Air , and a peculiar stiffness that accompanies our tempers , do all contribute to make the performance more easie : Here ( I say ) where little or nothing of the Christian Heroe is required to disarm a few sickly inclinations , no excuse is to be admitted ; — But before I proceed any farther in this Argument , pray Gentlemen give me your Opinion of it , for methinks now it was a pretty sort of a thought to make the Sun , Moon and Stars throw the blame from themselves , and lay it all upon the poor Clergymen . Crites . 'T is very diverting indeed , Mr. Bays . Bays . Sir ( continued I ) if as you alledge — Eugenius . How now , Mr. Bays , what Gentleman have you brought into the Room ? How got he in ? What is his Name , and Business ? For I durst have sworn , you had been all this while talking to your dear self , and enditing a Soliloquy . Bays . Lord Sir , you are enough to distract any person breathing with your damn'd impertinent questions ; did not I tell you before , that all this was spoke in a publick place , and before company . Eugen. Why then little Bays , I beg your pardon ; however to the best of my knowledge I never heard this Gentleman comment t' il appellez vous ? alledge one syllable for himself before . Bays . That 's very true , Dear Friend of mine , he never did . But you are to be informed , that 't is a pretty new way of disputing we have got at this end of the Town , for a person to suppose that the person he disputes with , will raise such and such objections to the matter in hand , and then for this person to answer 'em himself . Crites . Faith , Mr. Bays , this is as refined a piece of Policy , as I ever heard of in my life . Bays . You say true , Mr. Crites , 't is Machiavel all over , for you may swear , a man in such a case will use the same discretion in choosing his Objections , as they say Robin Hood used in choosing his men , such as he can easily Cuff and Master when he pleases : And now , because you are both my singular good Friends , I 'le whisper to you who it is , that first introduced this Policy into a Conference — 'T is a certain Old Gentleman of the Savoy ▪ that has a very ill hand at Spelling English , and his Christen'd Name is the same with a certain Saints , who has had for several years a great influence upon Advent-Sunday . Crites . Thank you for this secret , Mr : Bays , I know the Gentleman as well as if you had named him outright , 't is the very same man that said Pope Innocent the Third was so hard a name to remember ; but now I think on 't , you had always a very good hand at penning a Whisper . Eugenius . Prithee , Dear Mr. Bays , without any more ado , go on with your Argument . Bays . Sir ( continued I ) if , as you alledge , it is downright madness , and all that , to restrain our Appetites by a Vow , which we are not capable of performing without a supernatural assistance ; I desire to know whether the Indictment be general , and if not , why it should be made criminal in one case , and not in another . Suppose a man of a long continuance in debauchery should at last reform , and to prevent the return of his irregularities , should oblige himself by a solemn vow to a stricter conduct for the time to come , no one , I believe , wou'd blame his resolutions , or charge him , with the guilt of a virtual perjury ; and yet let me tell you , Gentlemen , Temperance is no more a Virtue of our own manufacture than Chastity , nay , perhaps , as times go , much the severer confinement of the two , as having more avenues to guard , and more manly temptations to resist . To secure one's chastity little more is necessary than to leave off a correspondence with the other Sex , which to a wise man is no greater a punishment , than it would be to a Fanatic Parson to be forbid seeing the Cheats and the Committee , or for my Lord Mayor and Aldermen to be interdicted the sight of the London Cuckolds . If you never see the Enemy , you lye under no danger of being beaten from your post , and a farther conversation will discover so many little vanities and impertinencies , as will serve to improve the disgust , and confirm the former resolution But then the other virtue is not to be maintained at so cheap a rate , to preserve it , you must suspect your nearest acquaintance , nay your very self , you must guard it from the attacques of friends as well as of the visits of strangers ; you must lose a thousand happy moments that men of wit enjoy when they sacrifice it to their mirth and pleasure . In fine , like a Frontier Kingdom , it ought to be very well mann'd and garrison'd , or else 't is every minute in danger of being invaded , and taken . Crites . Very Rhetorically Harangu'd upon my word , Mr. Bays . Bays . Besides I would willingly be informed , how it comes possible for people to pass the most sanguine , and rebellious part of their lives ( as they generally do at the Universities ) without a comfortable importance to relieve their necessities , and yet not be able to master a few weak decaying inclinations ; can we bear the toyl of the day when the Sun scorches , and the heats are unruly , and shall we complain of the coolness of the Evening , and call for Umbrella's at Midnight ? Can we withstand the Enemy when his assaults are vigorous , and when he has all the advantages imaginable over us ; and shall we make a tame dishonourable submission to him , when his ammunition is spent , and he 's just upon the point of crying quarter ? But the mystérie is easie enough to be unfolded , for Celibacy is not so miserable a state as people are apt to imagine ; a man may subsist many a fair day without a Spouse to support him , till the Living is provided , and then 't is as impossible for the contemplative thing to be without one , as without his German system , and Cambridge Concordance ; then , and only then , his former stock of Grace leaves him in the lurch , and abandons him to a dismal multitude of temptations , from which it seems a warm Bedfellow can only secure him . However to do him justice , 't is not so much the mans own inclination to marry , as his Country Patron 's Royal will and pleasure it should be so , who awakens his concupiscence to the tune of either take this bad Halfcrown Sir , for all it 's clipt within the brim , and so forth , or else not a word of the fifty pieces . In fine , after the Reformation-manner of distributing Preferments , the Spouse and the Parsonage go together just like Virtue and Reward , or in Dr. Heylin's language , Knighthood and the Service of Ladies . After this I proceeded to shew the many inconveniences of Matrimony in a Spiritual Life ; that if the Levite chanced to have his Table overstocked with Olive-branches ( which was the case of most of 'em ) it wou'd oblige him to too servile a dependance upon the Srate , that he must sacrifice the dignity of his character to get bread for his Family , put on the Grazier to bolster up the Vicar , as in country Villages you know , 't is an usual thing to tack the sorry Tradesman to the Ale-draper ; that if his Abigail chanced to be deformed , it would encline him to preach of nothing else but Hell and Reprobation ; but if she was handsome , it would certainly tincture all his Sermons , more or less with a touch of Mahumetanism , and so make him a fitter Paraphrast for the Alcoran , than the New-Testament . And then I concluded all with a very merry piece of drollery , I vow to gad , upon a West-country Parson , who having the good fortune to light upon a goodly Heritage , and a more goodly Spouse , cou'd not be prevailed upon for Love nor Mony , ( nay tho 't was a Funeral Sermon 't was all a case ) to take a Text any where in the Bible but out of the Canticles , till two years at least were passed over his head , by which time his Conjugal Love and Affection were somewhat abated . Thus Gentlemen I have acquainted you with that discourse , which I made in the place above-mentioned upon the occasion of Celibacy , 't is the quintessence of what Father Cressy , and a more modern Author have advanced for the Cause , and unless I am extreamly mistaken , it has suffered nothing under my management . Crites . Faith , Little Bays , you have been very severe upon the Tribe of Levi for their Marrying , but I don't wonder at it , for to my certain knowledge you never gave Matrimony a good word in your Life , but thought it too barbarous and heathenish a confinement , even for the Laity . Priest-craft was one of the civilest Nicknames you ever gave it , tho between Friends Celibacy deserves that title much better : But so familiar a thing is it for Poets to rail at Marriage , that methinks they ought as much to be forgiven for it , as a Country Curate for railing at a healthful season , or a City Merchant at the French Privateers . Eugen. As my Friend very well observes , Mr. Bays , you Poets ought in conscience to be excused for being witty now and then upon those that are got into the Oval of Matrimony : for either you are plagued with an odd sort of Latitudinarian creatures at home ( which they say is your own misfortune , Mr. Bays , as well as Mr. Sh-dw-lls ) and then you have all the reason in the World to vent your indignation upon that settlement called a Wife : Or else , you are humbly content to pick a little natural Philosophy out of some Fleet-street Strowler , that won't consent under the last Half-Crown to qualifie you for writing a luscious Love-Scene , and taking a dose of Turpentine Pills . Let the case be what it will , the unconscionable Wife , or the more unconscionable Whore will infallibly excuse you , and the rest of your Brethren the Poets for passing a little unmannerly language upon Matrimony . However Mr. Bays I dare lay one single wager with you , that altho you are of a Church , where Marriage passes muster for a Sacrament conferring Grace , that you are not of that opinion : But that as Aristotle is deservedly blamed for setting up ten predicaments when two might have served the turn ; so likewise that Holy Church was very much in the wrong for quartering seven Sacraments upon the Gospel , when the number might have been reduced to a less , and Matrimony might very well be reckon'd as a melancholly appendix to the Sacrament of Pennance . Bays . Pray Mr. Eugenius , don't fancy that I entertain any such loose extravagant opinions as those are , I 'm no such prosane person , not I , l'gad . Crites . Before we examine this matter any farther , I must humbly request one favour of you Mr. Bays . Bays . With all my heart Sir , command me in what you please . Crites . Why you know , Mr. Bays , it has been very usual of late , for persons , when they have a mind to batter and demolish any pretended grievance , to lay aside the merits of the cause , and judge the equity of it by its original . Bays . Very right Sir , for thus you know we banter your Reformation with a story or two of Ann Bolein , and King Harry's Cod-piece ; and thus my Brother Bays of everlasting memory , when he took the Test into his pious consideration , thought he effectually ridicul'd it , by tracing it to its Cradle in Aldersgate-street , and laying it at the door of that Man-Midwife of the Popish Plot , the late Earl of Shaftsbury — But pray Mr. Crites , why did you give your self the trouble to beg so small a favour as this , when you might have commanded it . Crites . Because I am not so very well perswaded of the honesty of such a proceeding ; but if it be so very fair and lawful , as you pretend , I wou'd advise you then , Mr. Bays , when you next summon a National Synod of our Rivers , to set the Severn in the Speakers Chair , and not the Thames ; for he by vertue of his original , as springing our of the Brittish Mountains , ought certainly to have the priviledge of sitting above the Thames , that has the misfortune to be born in a Valley — But now to the first institutor of Celibacy . I am as loth , Mr. Bays , to show my little reading out of Fathers and Councils , as a City Alderman is of showing his Young Wife at the Play-house or at the Mall ; not that I am afraid of being plundered of what I have , but methinks convincing a Poet out of Fathers and Councils looks as awkwardly as if a man should think to quicken a lazy Water-man with a Greek Verse or two out of Apollonius's Argonautics ; but because we cannot possibly avoid it ▪ we 'll be unmannerly that way as seldom as we can . The first Pope then that ever recommended it with any effectual vigour to the World , was that Euroelydon of Italy , Pope Gregory the Seventh , alias called Hildebrand ; and indeed he deserves to go under more Names than one , that had a greater share of wickedness in his temper , than one wou'd have thought any one single mans nature had been capable of . But because it is a good secure way to rail with Insallibility on ones side , as a late worthy Gentleman has expressed himself , let us hear his character from the sacred Council of Brixia ; He was then in the judgment of that numerous assembly , a superstitious observer of Dreams and Prodigies , a Magician , a Negromancer , a Monster given up to all the excesses of Pride and Cruelty , and finally one ( for the best jest he was ever guilty of is still behind ) one that by the assistance of the Devil , had aspir'd to the Apostolical Chair . I had often heard , Mr. Bays , that the Spanish and French Factions had a great influence in the Conclave , and pretended now and then as an opportunity served to a disposal della Spirito Santo , but never imagined that the old Gentleman in black had any vote amongst the Gentlemen of the Purple , till this lucky passage convinc'd me . Bays . Upon my word , Mr. Crites , I won't stay a minute longer with you , if you make any more such reflections upon the Sacred election — Crites . This was likewise the same person , Mr. Bays , that so solemnly delivered that unfortunate Emperour Henry the Fourth , and all the Bishops that received investiture from him , into the hands of the Devil , for no other reason in the World but only justifying the Imperial Prerogative against the Papal usurpations ; and lastly , to compleat his character , he that branded the Married Clergy by the scandalous name of Nicolaitans . What were the blessed effects of that forced Chastity , which was so vigorously enjoyn'd under this Pontificate , a man may easily learn out of Aventinus , Sigebertus , and the other Historians of that barbarous age , and they they were as followeth : The Bishops were continually quarrelling with the Priests , the Priests ( not to be behind hand with 'em ) were continually reproaching the Bishops , and the Laics very devoutly fell foul upon both . They trod the Sacrament under foot that had been consecrated by the married Priests , they burnt their Tithes , they sanctified the Altars which had been profaned by 'em , with Holy Water . Above all , there sprung up a goodly harvest of Fornication , Incest , Murder , and Adultery ; and yet all this while , unless his Infallibility was notoriously belyed , Pope Gregory kept a more than ordinary correspondence with his dearly beloved Mathildis . There are some other remarkable frolics to be found in the life of this Ecclesiastical Leviathan , as his drinking a health to the Devil , his throwing a Consecrated Hostie into the fire for not resolving him a certain question which he put to it , that I purposely omit , as things that are rather fit for the pennance of a Scavenger , than the consideration of an Historian . Let us now come over into England , to see how matters succeeded here : Much about the time that Hildebrand was so busie to promote this affair beyond the Alpes , Anselm Arch-bishop of Canterbury advanced it at home , and by vertue of his Archiepiscapal authority , deprived all the Married Priests throughout the Kingdom of their Ecclesiastical promotions . There had indeed in the time of the Saxons , ( when the Benedictine Order , what by their pretended Miracles , and what by the outward austerity of their Lives , spread apace ) several efforts been used by Odo , and Dunstan , by Ethelwold Bishop of Winchester , and Oswald Bishop of Worcester , in the year 963 to eject the Married Priests out of Colleges and Churches , and substitute Regulars in their room ; But however as this was not put in Execution in all places , so likewise the seculars were not constrained to leave their Wives and preferments but only at their own discretion . But Anselm copying from the furious Hildebrand proceeded farther in the matter , for he not only compelled 'em to part with their Wives , ( which unchristian rigour the Saxon Bigotts in all their zeal never practised ) but also , what was the more mortifying case of the two , forced 'em to part with their preferments . We are now at leisure to observe the consequences of this worthy Institution . As it happen'd Mr. Bays upon our prohibiting the Exportation of unwrought Wools , that the Hollanders immediately set up several new Manufactures of their own : So here when the Religious were forbidden to have any more commerce with the Women , as necessity you know forces people upon desperate attempts , they began to Trade amongst themselves . In short this Italian Decree of Celibacy introduced the Italian sin of Sodomy , which occasioned so many horrid complaints , that Anselm found himself obliged to Convene another Council at London ▪ where very severe Laws were enacted against it . The punishment ( as Roger Hoveden tells us ) was Excommunication ipso facto , not be got off but by Absolution from a Bishop only , and that not to be procured at an easier rate than a swinging Pennance : But the Monks shortly after taking occasion to acquaint the Arch-bishop with the fatal inconveniences that in all probability wou'd ensue upon the Publishing of this Decree , in asmuch as it wou'd lay open and discover to all the World a Sin , that was scarce known or heard off before out of a Cloyster , he was Piously prevail'd upon to call it in . Thus you see Mr. Bays that in those Conscientious times it was thought better so permit People the liberty of Incest , Sodomy , Adultery , and Fornication , or at least , to leave 'em under an unavoidable necessity of committing such Brutalities , than repeal the unsanctify'd Canon which occasioned them . What were the first Motives which influenced the Western Patriarchs to abridge their Clergy of that liberty which the Apostles left 'em in , is not difficult to Conjecture . 'T is certain they can make no pretences of Antiquity , or Tradition for it : For if St. Ierom's word may be taken , all the Apostles except St. Iohn , and St. Paul were Married ; and when the famous Controversie of the Celebration of Easter was so warmly disputed between the Eastern and Western Churches , Polycrates Bishop of Ephesus alledges the example of seven of his Progenitors , who had successively governed that See , to justifie his own practice . Were the Primitive Christians then of the first and purest Ages , uncapable of living up to that height of self-denyal and Austerity , which the worst men recommended , and the worst times cou'd practice ? Or did the Christian Church require as long a time to arrive to the height of Spiritual perfection , as it had to ascend to its temporal greatness ? Were their Appetites more ungovernable in the ten first Centuries , or did the succeeding Ages light upon more effectual restringents to subdue ' em ? Yes certainly Mr. Bays they did . For as I take it , the sanctifying Miracles of Whip cord were not so Universally acknowledged then as afterwards , nor St. Francis's receit for an erection by running into a heap of Snow so generally made use of ; and then the virtue of a long Pilgrimage , the carrying about one this Saints Thumb , and that Saints set of Teeth , the Praying before such an Image or such an Altar , but above all , the recommending ones self to the Virgin Marys protection , were not things of so universal practice and approbation in the earlier times . And perhaps after all , the gift of continence was not to be bestow'd upon the Church Militant , till the sacrifice of the Mass was born , that only an immaculate Priesthood might be concerned with that immaculate Sacrifice , or till the Popes had planted Heaven with store enough of Submediators , to implore a sufficient stock of Grace for their Friends here upon Earth . Indeed Pope Siricius towards the end of the Fourth Century in his Epistle to the Spanish Clergy , quotes this sorry place out of Scripture to fright 'em from their Wives , Si secundum Carnem vixeritis moriemini , to which citation we 'l only oppose another Text of the same Apostle , melius est nubere quam uri , and so we 'l leave him . However by this single passage , Mr. Bays , you may perceive with what eagerness and fury your infallible Guide snaps at any solitary Text in the Bible which he thinks will countenance any of his innovations , or make for his purpose . A Puny Courtier never waited with half that impatience for a gracious nod , or a merciful wink from a rising Favourite , as infallibility it self waited here for one lonely unguarded place in the New-Testament to back his Cause ; I don't question but the Old Gentleman turned over the whole Book from Genesis to the Revelations with as much concern , as ever you did , Mr. Bays , to find out Nick-names for your Absolon and Achitophel . But what advantage has he done his cause by producing this Text ? Why none at all , but the greatest disservice imaginable . Si secundum Carnem Vixeritis moriemini ? Why it destroys Celibacy , and Fornication , the heir apparent of Celibacy , to all intents and purposes ; and I don 't at all question , but that the unerring Intelligencer if he had slept a little , and consulted his ●illow , wou'd have been of another opinion next Morning , but it seems he was fully resolved to shew his infallibility one way or another , and he has done it with a witness , for he 's most infallibly in the wrong . Upon the whole , Mr. Bays , ( and I hope you have good nature enough to forgive me this small digression ) I make this observation , that Saint Peters successor can steer his Ecclesiastical Mackarel-boat with a side wind , if occasion serve , from any part of the Bible , whether Canonical or Uncanonical 't is all a case . A little Scripture at Rome , I dare engage , will go farther than Copper mony in Ireland ; 't is not at present the commodity of the place , and I am very well satisfied that a man with a foot or two of Scripture , nay rather than fail , with an ell of Tobit , and the Maccabees ▪ ( for we ought in Conscience to make allowances for Apocryphal ground ) to purchase a dozen of the best Acres in the Vatican planted with the most Apostolical Traditions . And this is a mysterie which I cannot comprehend . For if the notion of Infallibility will solve all the Phaenomena's of your Religion , why for God's sake do you take sanctuary in the Bible , and if the Bible is necessary to support your pretentions , why do you so shamefully discard and abandon it , when it has done your business . This way of proceeding is so very brutal and ungenerous , that it puts me in mind of a late Monarch , that was brought to his Throne , and settled in it by a certain well-meaning Church , and when he thought he had no farther occasion for her , very decently laid her aside for all her former services . As the case stands at present , your Savoy-Divines are as glad to be own'd by a Friend in the New-Testament , as a needy Courtier is of being own'd by a City security ; but I profess I don't see the necessity of such a Conduct . What other people may think I don't know , but I had much rather take the invocation of Saints upon honest Infallibilities word for it , than with Bellarmine deduce it from that passage of Iob , And he shall pray for thee . And a thousand times sooner take the Half-communion upon the same credit , than pretend to justifie it as Bishop Fisher has done , out of Give us this day our daily bread . 'T is the most unaccountable nonsense in my opinion that a man can be capable of , to subpoena half a score witnesses to appear for him at Westminster-Hall , that when they are examined tell a clean contrary story , and so ruine his Cause ; and this , Mr. Bays , I take to be the case of your own Polemics , they freely upon all occasions ( as is manifest from their late Pamphlets ) endeavour to prove all their Tenets out of the Bible , yet they manage the matter so indiscreetly that every Tradesman can charge 'em with false inferences , and indeed after all their attempts , the holy Pen-men will scarce be perswaded to serve an apprenticeship to the modern trade of misrepresenting ▪ Now I cou'd acquaint 'em , Mr. Bays , with a certain method that shall preserve their reputation in all companies , let 'em pretend to Miracles among the Indians , to Antiquity among the Quakers , to Holiness of Life among the Ranters , to Unity among the Independants , to Loyalty and Good Works among the Presbyterians , to Decency of Worship among the Adamites , to Learning among the Anabaptists , and to the Merits of their Faith among the Socinians : Let e'm quote Scripture before Physitians , quote the Fathers before Ladies , talk of Councils before Souldiers , and conjure up the Trinity before those that don't believe Transubstantion : Let 'em pretend to Austerity of Living among the Beaux of the Town , to Universality among the Muggletonians , and ( what must be carefully observed ) to Tradition only among the Courtiers , for they are a sort of people , that because they have no leisure to examine any Religion , take it all upon trust . But among the established Churchmen , I wou'd have 'em pretend to nothing at all , but their two undeniable Talents Ignorance and Impudence . And now to our business again , Mr. Bays , — the true reason of imposing Celibacy upon the Clergy , was at first an ungovernable zeal , void of Conduct and Charity , a peremptory Spirit of Pride , and above all , a wild notion of attaining to an imaginary kind of perfection , which is only to be found among the people of Sir More 's creation . This , Mr. Bays , is the true state of the business . For tho Pope Siricius , as I told you before , was so unadvised as to endeavour to prove Celibacy out of the Bible , yet others that managed the Cause with more discretion , found it was not capable of that kind of protection , and therefore instead of so many Texts to defend it , gave it a guard du corps of certain well-bred handsome Gentlemen , which in the language of that age they called Conveniences : However Paphnutius stifled the motion at the Council of Nice , and the Synod of Gangra passed an Anathema upon all those , that refused to receive the Communion from a married Priest. What gives me a farther prejudice to the matter in dispute , is the persons who first of all recommended it to the World. They were such that in heat of persecution had retired into the Woods to preserve themselves from the fury of their Enemies , where they had lived under a great deal of austerity and mortification , and indeed the places whither they fled for shelter , afforded no very agreeable accommodations . Now these Gentlemen , when the storm was over , and the Church enjoy'd a little Sun-shine , were for continuing that Ascetic sort of life , which they first practised amongst the Caves and Deserts ; and tho they had lived so long out of the world , wou'd very discreetly impose Laws upon those , who had always lived in it . From what has been said Mr. Bays upon this score , I wou'd not have you conclude that I am an Enemy to Celibacy , no one I am sure has more honourable thoughts of that easie unincumbred state than my self ; yet for all that , I am of opinion , it ought not to be forced upon a whole body of men without any distinction , but that every man should be left to his own discretion , to chuse that way of life , which seems most agreeable to his own inclination , and the sacredness of his character . Four or five hundred old men they are conven'd in a Council with those formal solemnities which such great assemblies generally make use of , have in my judgment no more authority to prescribe a Continence ( which they themselves are past a capacity of losing ) to those of more youthful appetites , than the good people that live under the Line have to command us in the North to go naked : The only revenge which the younger Clergy cou'd return , wou'd be to condemn the use of Spectacles in a full Convention for unchristian and Heretical , to order that whosoever cou'd not read a Geneva-Bible at two yards distance and vault over a five-barr'd Gate , should forfeit his Mitre , and that no one should presume to take Holy Orders , who would not oblige himself by a vow never to be guilty of wearing a Beard , and who would not renounce both Gout and Palsie , as heartily as he did the Devil and all his Works at his Baptism . Should such Decrees as these pass for the mortification of the Right Reverend Fathers , I suppose they would be only taken for things of raillery and diversion ; and yet , Mr. Bays , Celibacy is as much a jest upon humane nature , ( taking it in the gross ) as what I have just now mentioned . I wonder in my heart , that when they proceeded so far to refine the Priesthood , as to think it possible for all of 'em to live without the other Sex , that they had not likewise obliged 'em to go to Stool but once a quarter , and that precisely at twelve a Clock , and to subsist after the Spiritual manner of the ancient Knights Errant , that never , as we read of , debased themselves with brutal eating and drinking . As our Pulses , Mr. Bays , wou'd not cease beating , altho the whole College of Physitians in a Warwick-Lane Meeting should think it fit to lay an interdict upon 'em , so I don't question but Nature will continue still to work after her usual manner , tho all the Councils in Christendom should lay all their heads together to muzzle her : And I fancy it is but small comfort to one of your fat overgrown Friars when he finds he has a huge stock of Love upon his hands , to imagine to dispossess himself of it all , by reading over Pope Hildebrand's Canon against Sacerdotal erections . Indeed if I might have had my will , Celibacy should have waited at least another age before it had been publickly enjoyned . After Transubstantiation had been made a matter of my Faith , I would then have freely consented to have Celibacy established ; for certainly , Mr. Bays , I cou'd never think any thing too difficult for that Priest to perform , that cou'd make his God at a minutes warning . Bays . Now I hope , Mr. Crites , tho you deny me a share in the other virtues , you 'l allow me to have a stock of patience sufficient to furnish all the married men and Chymists in the Nation at my own cost and Charges , otherwise I am sure I cou'd never have heard out this tedious harangue of yours , which is full as troublesome as an Irish Genealogy , or to hear one of the City Aldermen tell all the traverses of his Fortune from his Leathern Breeches down to his Scarlet Gown . — Nay I knew very well before hand what entertainment a Discourse of Chastity must expect to find among you pamper'd Protestants ; but if you have any more to say upon this occasion , Mr. Crites , pray let me have it , for I promise you my attention . Crites . Thus , Mr. Bays , your Celibacy , which Presumption , and Pride , and some few Specious Pretences first introduced into the World , was afterwards upon certain Secular Considerations espoused by the Popes , till it was at last brought to that perfection in which we now see it . Your Western Patriarchs , in order to erect that Temporal Monarchy , after which they so zealously aspired , found it requisite to make the Clergy as much depending upon their See as was possible , and likewise to disengage 'em from leaving any natural pledges to the respective Governments where they lived . Therefore by virtue of a blind obedience which had for some time been paid to St. Peter's Chair , and if that fail'd to produce the effect , by virtue of a little thundring language , which at that age was as terrible to Kings , as the Twelve-penny-Act is now to the Vintners , they made a shift to wrest the right of Investitures out of the hands of Princes , to put themselves in capacity of gratifying their trusty Agents abroad , and for the same reasons of State , they forbid the Ecclesiastics all the World over to Marry , lest when they should have occasion to use their assistance against their own natural Princes , the squauling and cryes of their Children should stifle the voice of his Roman Molocship . Had your Priesthood , Mr. Bays , really believed Marriage to have been a Sacrament that brought Grace along with it , you may conclude from their taking away the Cup , and several other retrenchments , that it had been a favour to be allowed only to the choicer sort of the Laity , and that they themselves had been so far from denying Matrimony to their own Tribe , that I don't question but they would have pleaded some Reverend Tradition or other , nay interpreted the Scripture so far to their own advantage , as to make it allow 'em the priviledge of Poligamy , in order to secure themselves of as great a stock of Grace as was possible to be had . Bays . So , Mr. Crites , you have made a very pretty edifying discourse concerning this business , but as I informed you before , I was not insensible what usage such a mortifying doctrine as Celibacy must of necessity meet amongst the Sons of the Reformation . You that have destroy'd Religious houses , and to justifie the Sacriledge , have always laughed at the austerites which are practised in a recluse life , are too far engaged to your dearly-beloved pleasures , to entertain a principle that so severely contradicts the dictates of flesh and blood . Eugenius . Nay , Mr. Bays , now you have gone a little too far in this matter , for we Gentlemen of the Schism ( as your party is pleased by way of raillery to call us ) are not so averse to a Monastic life as you imagine : For my own particular , I wish with all my heart , that all the Brain-sick Statesmen , all the besotted Lovers , and all the melancholly Zealots , all the fine-dressing Fops , all the doting kind Keepers , all the enthusiastick Poets , and all the superannuated Whores , with the mighty multitudes of raving Philosophers , and litigious Attorneys , that are to be found in the Kingdom of England , Dominion of Wales , and Town of Berwick upon Tweed , were shut up within the four Walls of some capacious Monastery . — Now for your diversion , Mr. Bays , if you please to afford me a hearing , I 'll repeat you a certain Ode in Horace , done by a certain friend of mine , which may serve to convince you , that we are not such enemies to Nunneries and all that , as you have hitherto believed . Bays . An Ode in Horace , Mr. Eugenius , that has any thing to do with Nunneries ? Why 't is impossible , and you are certainly mistaken . Eugen. You 'll correct your opinion , Mr. Bays , as soon as you have heard it : 'T is a Translation of Uxor pauperis Ibyci tandem Nequitiae pone modum tuae ; only somewhat new-modelled , and adapted to the present times . You must know it was calculated for the meridian of the Dutchess of Cl — land , but may indifferently serve any super-annuated Court-Whore in Christendom — But pray listen . I. At length , thou Antiquated Whore , Leave trading off , and sin no more , For shame in your old age turn Nun , As Whores of everlasting memory have done . II. Why do you still frequent the Sport , The Balls and Revels of the Court , Or why at glitt'ring Masques appear , Only to augment , and fill the triumphs of the fair . III. To Ghent or Brussels strait adjourn , The lewdness of your former life to mourn , There brawny Priests in plenty you may hire , If Whip , and wholsome Sack-cloath cannot quench the fire . IV. Your Daughter 's for the Amorous business made , To her in Conscience quit your trade ; As when his Conqu'ring days were done . Victorious Charles resign'd his Kingdom to his Son. V. Alas ! ne're thrum your long disus'd Guitar , Nor with Pulvilio's scent your hair , But in some lonely Cell abide , With Rosary and Psalter dangling at your side . Well , now Mr. Bays , pray give me your opinion of this same trifle , for unless I am mightily mistaken , there is a great deal of pious advice in it . Bays . Pious advice do you call it ? I 'd give my Snuff-box here , which I value above all things in the Universe I'gad , that I had that sawcy friend of yours , the Author in the room . Eugen. Why what wou'd you do with him , Mr. Bays ? wou'd you draw upon him , and whip him decently through the Lungs ? To my certain knowledge all sober counsel is thrown away upon him , for 't is a very graceless unrepenting Block-head . Bays . No , I should scarce give my self that trouble : But I 'd make him undergo such a course of Pennance , that I believe he 'd scarce have a mind to meddle with Horace , or any thing that looks like a Nun in haste again . Eugen. Then I suppose , Mr. Bays , to make him do Pennance for his Translation , you 'd oblige him to read over your Translation of St. Xavier's Life , and , if possible , to believe it ; or if a trespass in Rhime must be attoned in Rhime , to read over your noble Poem on the Birth of the Prince of Wales twice a day . Bays . Sir I don't understand why you should use all all this freedom with me , 't is an insupportable rudeness I gad , and I 'le have no more to with you — But Mr. - a. you are a Gentleman of a better temper , and pray resolve me this single question , before we suffer the business of Celibacy to drop , has not the Church authority to prescribe what Laws she pleases to all her Sons ? Now I think I have nick'd you I gad — Crites . Faith Little Bays I am not willing at present to determine the bounds of the Churches power , 't is as invidious a Case as to make me assign the priviledges of the House of Commons , which you know encrease every Session ; a Man will be apt to speak either too little , or too much in relation to such an affair . However I think the Church had done very discreetly , if when she bound over her Sons to the observation of Celibacy , she had order'd 'em a dose or two of Camphire every morning instead of so many Prayers and Ave-Maries , and commanded 'em to be let Blood every other day , that so he might have prevented all the scandalous consequences of a forced Chastity . But I find that as Mahomet , when he abridged his People the pleasure of Drinking , to make 'em amends , gratifyed the other appetite by allowing Women in abundance ; so likewise a certain Church in the World Mr. Bays by placing no very great penalties on Fornication , when she repealed the remedy for it , and by allowing the Concubine to supply the place of the disbanded Spouse , has made Celibacy not so very uneasy a state , as People are apt at first sight to imagine . And this consideration is sufficient to perswade me , that Conscience and Devotion had no hand at all in the promoting of Celibacy , let the Divine Law sink or swim 't is not a Farthing matter with you , so long as the Papal Decrees are observ'd , where smaller trespasses are severely punished , and notorious Sins meet with Toleration ; as they say in the Lake of Sodom , Feathers sink , and Iron swims . All the World knows how remarkably Costerus and several other of your Divines have refined upon this point , and 't is observable in your Canon Law , that so many Acts of Fornication , are required to make the Indictment large enough to comprehend a poor Sinner , that they 'l excuse not only the immortal Theodora's and Marozia's of former Ages , and the Donna Olympia's of this , but perhaps all the She-traders since the times of Rahab , and Lots Daughters . A Woman had need now a days ( if the Doctrine of your Church be true ) to live as long as one of the Patriarchs Wives before the Flood , to have time enough to work out the painful and laborious Character of a Whore. But we , Mr. Bays , dare not play such tricks with Religion , dubb Vices by the Name of Virtues , or ( what is full as bad ) keep a disputable Virtue at the expence of keeping at the same time an unquestionable Sin ; whatever interest or advantage may suggest , we dare not make such large purliews for outlying Consciences , not we , Mr. Bays . Nobis non licet esse tam disertis , Qui legem colimus severiorem . Eugen. As my friend very well observes , Mr. Bays , we don't think it worth the while to maintain a controverted virtue at the expence of maintaining an uncontroverted Sin , while you of the Church of Rome have never a Virtue to boast of , that is not attended with some Crimnal Inconveniences . Thus you maintain your pretended Chastity at the expence of allowing publick Fornication , your obedience to your Patriarch at the expence of Sacrificing your obedience to your natural Prince , your Monastic Poverty at the expence of Perjury and Hypocrisie ; your Unity at the expence of an Unchristian Inquisition , the Grandeur of your Worship at the expence of Idolatry , your pretension to Miracles and Antiquity , at the expence of Lying and Forgery , your Charity at the expence of Superstition ; and lastly , the Devotion of your People at the expence of Ignorance , and the Unpardonable Sacriledge of taking away their Bibles . Crites . Nay , sometimes , Mr. Bays , matters go worse with you ; as for example , when you perswade People to the utter undoing of their Families , to leave all they have , to a lazy Herd of Spiritual Gluttons , for the saying of their Souls ; when you perswade young Virgins in defiance of their Parents , to run into a Nunnery for the obtaining of Heaven ; when you perswade Wives to leave their Husbands , Husbands to leave their Wives , Kings to oppress their Subjects , Subjects to depose their Kings for the remission of their sins ; this is , unless I am mistaken , making one sin compound and attone for another ▪ like a decay'd Tradesman that borrows Money in one place , and contracts a fresh Debt , to pay off one of a longer standing . Eugen. So now , Mr. Bays , if you think fit , we 'll shut our hands of Celibacy , for I 'm as weary of it as a Poet is of a discourse of Religion , a young Lawyer of Navigation , a Citizen of Heraldry , or a Courtier of Trade ; we have dwelt too long upon this point , and 't is high time now to proceed to a new one . Bays . Well , Sir , if you find it burns your fingers , I am content to drop it , not but that it is still tenable enough , and may be defended on to the end of the Chapter — I shall then in the next place , consider the divisions of your Church , which to confess the truth , chiefly prevailed with me to quit your Communion . Crites . This is very strange , Mr. Bays , for I think that man that leaves the Church of England upon the score of her divisions , and then goes over to the Romish Party , is guilty of the same piece of wisdom , as he that to avoid an Ague leaves the Hundreds in Essex , to go into the most unwholsome part of Kent . Eugen. Or one that to avoid being Cuckolded , removes his Wife from Cheapside into the Pall-Mall , or Covent-Garden . But prithee proceed , little Bays . Bays . It were an infinite trouble to reckon up all the Sects and Subdivisions into which the Protestant Religion is split , a man had better run the Gantlet through a Genealogy Chapter in the Chronicles , or ( what is worse ) read over one of Ch-sw-lls Weekly Papers , that is stuff'd with the Names of the Scotch Lords , than be bound to number them . And yet they all pretend to be in the right , Quote Scripture to support their Cause , and damn one another as heartily as ever Interloper did the East-India Company . Out of this passage Let every thing be done decently and in order , the Established Church has rais'd the whole frame of her Hierarchy , her Ceremonies , and her Liturgy , as you know in the late blessed times the Fanatics out of Curse ye Meroz , rais'd several Regiments of Horse and Foot for the Service of the good Old Cause . On the other hand , because it is elsewhere written , that the Christian Devotion is to be perform'd in Spirit and Truth , those Adamites in Religion , your Dissenting Brethren , have stript her stark naked , and divested her of all those deceent ceremonies that she used in the Purest and most Primitive times . Crites . Very smartly argued , by my troth , Mr. Bays . Bays . I wont mention ten thousand other particulars wherein you differ , for what I have already taken notice of , is sufficient for my purpose . Now what relief is there to be had in this critical affair , how shall the differences be made up between you ? Or how shall a man be satisfied which Party is in the right , and which in the wrong ? All of them have Texts of Scripture to alledge for themselves , as well as you of the Established Church , and if you lead 'em a dance amongst the Fathers , and appeal to their decision of the matter , why they 'll tell you , they mind what the Fathers say no more than the Bullies of the other end of the Town mind one of my Lord Mayors Proclamations for living soberly , and keeping the Sabbath : Alas those Antiquated Gentlemen of the three first Centuries knew little or nothing of the power of the Gospel ; one honest Presbyterian Weaver wou'd make no more difficulty of bantering a full dozen of 'em if he met 'em in his way , than one of your Iniskilling men does of routing a whole Regiment of Irish : Poor blind Prelates , they had no more interest in Christ , than the Laplanders have in the Guinea Company ; and as for the hidden mysteries of Grace , they are as unfit to be consulted , as a Physician in a case of Conscience , or one of the Judges of the Kings-Bench about the Longitude of the Sea. Thus you see , Mr. Crites , to what a pretty condition you have brought your selves ; you first of all began the trade of garbling Fathers and Counils , and reserving what made for your own interest and advantage ; and your Brethren since have totally rejected 'em , or if they vouchsafe now and then to cite 'em in the Margin , ( which let me tell you , is as extraordinary a condescension , as it is for a new-rais'd Courtier to look upon a poor Country relation ) 't is to make out some such knotty businesses as these , that Temperance is the mother of all Virtues , and Drunkenness one of the greatest sins in the World. In such an intricate point as this , perhaps St. Austin may have the favour done him to be sent for , as I knew one of the Herd that quoted this quibble out of him , Mane is Gods Adverb , and the Devils Verb ; and another that proved the Suns dancing upon Easter morning out of that remarkable passage in St. Chrysostom , Semel-in anno ridet Apollo . Not to be tedious upon this occasion , your divisions are chiefly owing to the want of an Infallible guide , that should determine all controverted cases , and to your leaving every man to the liberty of interpreting Scripture by his own fantastic imagination , or by the light of that farthing candle within him , the private Spirit . Crites . I must confess , Mr. Bays , you have now touch'd me in a very tender place , for there 's no man breathing that more passionately bewails the Divisions of our Church than my self : However , it has a very ill grace methinks in the mouth of a Romanist to charge us with such an unhappiness , since in the first place you have as many Divisions among your selves as we have , notwithstanding the pretences you make to an infallible judge ; and secondly , because we are only to thank your cursed missionaires for introducing and fomenting 'em , as is notorious to all the VVorld . You want to have your memory refreshed I suppose , with the noble contention that engaged one of your orders for half an Age at least about the length of their Cowls , which was managed with as much heat and vigour , as if the fate of the Christian Religion had wholly depended upon it : With the everlasting quarrels between the Franciscans and Dominicans , about the Virgin Mary's immaculate Conception , which none of your Unerring guides have thought fit yet to determine , for fear of disgruntling one of those powerful Fraternites : with the late disagreements between the Molinists , and Iansenists , when the Roman Oracle Pope Alexander the 7th was pleas'd to tell 'em , Pray Gentlemen go home in peace , and let me perswade you to let this matter fall , for I never studied the point , and am no Divine ; and lastly with the modern rise and growth of Quietism , that was Educated and refined even in the Vatican Palace , under the favour and protection of Infallibility it self ; and tho it was lately fulminated , still makes a considerable Party all over Italy . I won't trouble my self with the endless Wars of the Schoolmen , but especially with the Skirmishes that happen'd between the Disciples of Scaramouchi Aquinas , and Harsequin Scotus , two learned Theologues that made use of a Heathen's help to cultivate Christianity , and Ploughed the barren Fields of their Controversies with an Ox and Ass , that is with an Apostle and Aristotle . These instances may serve to convince you , Mr. Bays , and particularly that last of the Quietists , that for all the noise your Infallible Judge makes here among us , the Tramontani with his Spiritual Thunder , and pretended Vicarship , of what little use he is with his own Domesticks , who converse with him , and see him daily , since under his own Nose so Pestilent a Heresie could arise as to Alarm the whole Papacy . I am sure as many divisions disturb'd the first Planted Churches , as do ours of the Reformation at present , when the World was furnished with at least a dozen Infallibilities , and I don't question but that the same Spirit of Discord wou'd still continue to plague us , tho twelve hundred Infallibillities were Quarter'd all over the Globe , to keep their Masters Peace . As for what you object to us in the next place , the libetty which some fantastical People among us use , interpreting the Scripture , we are not at all accountable for it , since if they pleas'd to take better advice , and manage themselves with more modesty , they would seldom make use of the private Talent , but suffer themselves to be determined by the Councils and Fathers of the three first unquestionable Ages , as the Establish'd Church has done . We have indeed rejected ( what you call garbling ) many spurious Works , that passed a great while under the protection of some great Names , and this I am sure without any injury , or disrespect to the Authors themselves ; as you know , Mr. Bays , a man may have a great esteem for your friend Virgil , without believing him to be the Writer of the AEtna , and the Priapeia , and will preserve a respect for the old Testament , tho he cannot perswade himself that Bell and the Dragon has any relation to the Canon . Now tho I must freely grant you , that some seeming inconveniencies may ensue upon the promiscuous use of the Bible , especially when it falls into dishonest hands , yet we don't think the abuse capable of justifying that Sacrilegious Rapine of taking it away , any more than the Civil Government is obliged to lock up all Provisions , and Prohibit VVine , to secure People from falling into Fevers , and other Distempers . Bays . Pray , Mr. Crites , before you proceed any farther in this matter , will you do me the favour to let me entertain you with part of a discourse , which I lately heard at one of our Chappels , 't will satisfie you , I believe , that all people ought not to be made free of the Scripture , and that the common reading of it has occasion'd all those disturbances , which have ever since invaded the peace of Christendom . Crites . With all my heart , Mr. Bays , begin when you will. Bays . Pray then be attentive — As long as the Bible continued in honest St. Ierom's Latin , it was capable of doing little or no mischief ( said this Learned Father ) but afterwards when it was translated into the vulgar Languages , it set all Europe together by the ears , which I 'll Illustrate to you ( said he ) by this following Simile . Eugen. Prithee , dear Bays , then let us have this Simile , for I am the greatest lover of Similes , and a Bottle in the Universe . Bays . A Flint , while it lyes in the Fields obscure and unobserved , does no manner of injury , but when it 's once preferr'd to a Tinder-box , why then ( beloved ) it begins to show the depravity of its nature ; for alas ! How great is the frailty of all Mortal Creatures , and what thing is there upon the face of the earth , that does not sensibly find the ill effects of keeping bad Company ? This Flint ( my Brethren ) after some little time , contracts an acquaintance with a piece of Steel , and they two resolve ( oh wicked resolution ) not to live in darkness , but by the assistance of their Landlord , to inflame a certain neighbour of theirs , Tinder by Name . Even so , Mr. Crites — Crites . Even so , Mr. Bays , the French when they could keep Spire and Wormes no longer , burnt them down to the ground ; and even so your Church of Rome , when it found the Bible wou'd serve its interest no longer , either burnt it , or ( what is equally as bad ) pass'd an Act to condemn it to everlasting Oblivion . And for this blessed piece of Policy , we are beholding to your Infallibility , who found he cou'd never maintain his unrighteous acquisitions , till he had removed this unnecessary piece of Lumber out of the way , as in the days of Yore , the Ladies of Scythia put out the eyes of their Gallants to keep them at home , and secure them from straggling abroad . Eugen. Now I chance to meet with him once more in my Dish , I am resolved , Mr. Bays , to tell you two or three Stories of him , which may serve to show you how well he deserves the Glorious Title he assumes . You are to understand , Mr. Bays , that the Council of Trent in their fourth Session , left the reforming of the vulgar Translation ( about which several complaints were made ) to the Pope's care , and Decreed that the Latin Version being thus amended , should be received for Authentick in all Disputes , Expositions and Sermons , so that it should not be lawful for any Person afterward , upon any pretence whatever , to reject it : Thus it pleased those Learned Divines at Trent , to Christen this Hans en Kelder . Now Sixtus Quintus was the man that first took this work into his Pious consideration , ( for as it happen'd , his Predecessors either neglected , or forgot to put the above-mention'd Decree of the Council in execution ) and prefixed a specious Bull before it , to acquaint the World , that having Revised it with all the exactness imaginable , and Printed it at the Vatican , it was now to be received without contradiction all the World over . But oh the Fates ! Not long after , Clement VIII . found fault even with this Translation , though it was Ratify'd by his Predecessors Apostolical Authority , and a good swingeing Anathema into the bargain , expung'd whole Words and Sentences , restor'd several Lections very different from Sixtus's Edition ; nay , contradicting it in many places : And in fine , made more corrections , alterations , amendments , and all that , than you did , Mr. Bays , either in Shakespear's Tempest , or Milton's Paradise lost . Now 't is a plain case , honest Mr. Bays , that one of these two Infallibilities , either Size-Cinque ( as Queen Elizabeth call'd him ) or Clement VIII . choose you whether you will , was most infallibly in the wrong . But because the Pope's Talent generally lyes another way than in the Bible , and he may consequently be allowed to blunder in a Book , that he is so slenderly acquainted with ; I 'll proceed to another instance , which is not altogether so excusable . Pope Gregory XIII . ( whose memory we are to curse for the many Seminaries he erected ) took upon him the Authority of altering the times , and making a new Kalender . Heretofore , as Suetonius tells us , Caesar correxit fastos pridem vitio Pontificum per intercalandi licentiam turbatos . But now the Emperour is not to be consulted in an affair which so nearly concern'd his civil Government , and the Roman Pontif , instead of embarrassing the Almanack as his Predecessors had done in Iulius Caesars time , was the only man that lent his helping hand to reform it . The Pope's Politick fetch in this alteration , was only to embroil and intangle the Protestants , especially those that lived in Germany , and to ruine their commerce and correspondence in all civil matters with the Catholick Party . Baronius very pleasantly justifies the Divine Authority of the Gregorian Kalender , by a pretended Miracle of St. Stephen's blood at Naples , which ceased to bubble on the 30th of August , on which day St. Stephen's body was first discovered , according to the old computation , and bubbled upon that which fell according to the new amendment . But yet it was ill done , with Baronius's leave , to set the two Kalenders at variance , when both of 'em had been equally countenanced by the Miracle . Now as I was saying before , the Pope may be allowed to mistake in such an unsociable book as the Bible is , as well as a new-made Justice is allowed to make a false Quotation , now and then , in his Dalton , and his Statute-book : But for a Pope to make errours in an Almanack ( as your friend Gadbury will tell you Pope Gregory has done ) a book of which he makes so many men free in an years time , and which he ought to understand as well as a Seaman should understand his Compass , or my Lord Mayor Stow's Survey of the City ; for the Pope , I say , to do such a thing , is the Devil and all of a fault , and ought not to be forgiven him . Talking of Red Letters and Almanacks , has , I know not by what strange concatenation of thought , put me in mind of the Persons that inhabit the Almanack , and that naturally leads me to think of a late Pope that composed a very scurvy difference between two Inhabitants of that Papal Corporation . Urban VIII . had appointed the 31th of Iuly , for Ignatius's Anniversary Festival , upon which those of the Society arriv'd to that pitch of confidence ( to give it no worse a Name ) as to eject good St. German out of the Kalender , where it seems he had enjoy'd that day without any disturbance for several hundreds of years , and underhand , set up Ignatius in his room . This Treacherous Clandestine trick , gave a great deal of Scandal to most of the well-meaning people of France , who had an extraordinary respect for the memory of St. German , and tho the Prince of Conde , who was of the Jesuites party , pretended that Ignatius appeared to him in Rome , as he was on that day Celebrating his Festival , and was pleas'd to incourage his Devotions ; yet they were not to be satisfy'd with any such sham Stories , and the resentments , which the affront that their Saint received had created in them , were not to be silenc'd with a foolish recital of a pretended Vision . At last they brought their complaints before this Infallible Judge , who thus decided the controversie : That the Festival of St. German and Ignatius should be kept on the same day , but that if the two Saints were not willing to stand together , that Ignatius ( and all the reason in the World , since he was much the younger ) should ev'n wait for Leap-year , and the odd day which happen'd , to be intercalated , should be laid aside for him — Here 's a knotty Point finely resolved for you , Mr. Bays , a Protestant Bishop cou'd as well carry his own Cathedral on his back , as hold the Scales even in such an affair , and make up the difference between a brace of Saints ; but nothing I find is too difficult for your Unerring Guide to adjust — And now let me intreat you , Mr. Bays , to go on to some new point , for as I hope for a fresh Bottle of Burgundy , and a fresh Mistress , I am already Dog-weary of this . Bays . You have hitherto taken the liberty , Gentlemen , to contradict me in whatever I have proposed , but now I hope to attack you with undeniable matter of Fact , and that is the Novelty of your Religion ; for — Whatsoe're pretence Her Clergy Heralds make in her defence , A second Century's not half way run , Since the new Honours of her Blood begun . Crites . If it is but about two hundred years since the Incarnation , I confess we can't pretend to a longer standing in the World than you have assign'd us , Mr. Bays . But now I have been told all along , that we stand two or three Stories higher in Chronology than you pretend . Bays . Stand as high as you please , I 'm sure you 're not a minute older than the German Reformer . Your Ancestors were every man of them believers of Transubstantiation , that is , in your charitable construction , rank Idolaters . Now if this Allegation be true , pray what becomes of your boasted Succession , for how an Idolatrous Church should convey true Orders ( and elsewhere you don't pretend to have received them ) is as much a Riddle to me , as how a man shou'd translate the Psalms well , that Copies them at second hand from Hopkins's Burlesque . Eugen. Nay we are not at this time of the day to wonder at the conduct of your Catholick Church ; to ruine our succession , Mr. Bays , she takes the same Course that Widdow Black-acre did in the Plain-dealer , that wou'd have sworn her self a whore upon record , only to disinherit her rebellious Son Ierry . Crites . I find , Mr. Bays , you 're a meer Indian in History . What , did you never hear of the famous contest between Austin and the British Bishops about their subjection to the See of Rome , and how fatally it concluded ? Did you never hear of the Wiclevites at home , and of the Waldenses abroad , which last Herd of Heretics as Reinerus the Inquisitor tells you , some people place as high as the times of St. Silvester , and others as high as the very Apostles ? Bays . They may run 'em up to Noah's Flood with all my heart , and I assure you upon my word , Mr. Crites , I 'le never grudge you the honour of citing such worthy instances to prove your antiquity . Crites . That is not the case , Mr. Bays , for I never mention'd 'em as tho we were descended in a down-right Line from them , as they say the Kings of Scotland are descended from Fergus , or as tho the merits of the Reformation depended on 'em : But only to let you know that in some part of the World or other , there never wanted a generation of men , even in the darkest and most barbarous times , that opposed your innovations , and had the bravery to stem the Tide of the Papal Usurpations . This might be made appear in every Century , since your Church parted with her Maiden-head to the Man of Sin ; but because it is not to be done without an endless quotation of Authors , which is a sort of vanity that I am not naturally very fond of , I shall ee'n refer you to the Historia Papatus for your farther satisfaction . Some of your Divines have been so civil to us , as to allow us the three first Centuries , or at least to acknowledge that all those controverted points , wherein you and we differ , were not clearly established in the earliest times of Christianity . The Church , it seems , had afterwards fuller revelations of all these depending matters , and some Christian Doctrines , like China-earth , were to be buried under ground for a considerable time , before they were fit for a discovery , and the practice of mankind . Thus , Mr. Bays , in the opinion of your best Authors , who to be sure wou'd never pass such extraordinary complements upon us , if they cou'd otherwise help it , we have as much Antiquity on our side as we can desire . 'T is very true , that in succeeding times , your Popes served the Christian Religion , as Dr. Oats served the Popish-plot , they found a large Foundation , upon which they raised several superstructures of their own ; now we only removed and pulled 'em down at the beginning of the Reformation , so that we constituted no new Church , ( as some of your Dreaming Scriblers pretend ) but only restored her to her primitive purity , and simplicity . Bays . Ay , ay , you have restored her with a witness , and you are to thank the Wittemberg-Revolter for setting you upon so pious a performance . As for my own part , by reading Mr. Walkers Book of Oxford , I have entertained such prejudices against him , that all the World can never remove 'em : And I heartily thank that learned Author for making the following observation , That whilst the Turk was attacquing Christianity in the Front at Vienna , Luther was at the same invading it in the Rear in Saxony . Crites . I don't know , Mr. Bays , whether it is worth your while to take notice of such impertinent remarques , for at the same time you oblige us of the Reformation to look a little into History , and see whether we cannot make the same returns upon you . I have read somewhere or other I am certain , that at the very same juncture when Boniface set up for Universal Bishop , that Mahomet was establishing his Alcoran in Arabia ; and to pass by the like occurences in former ages , the Brussels Gazette acquainted the world , that Count Hains the Player , and my Lord S-l-s-b-ry were reconcil'd to the Church of Rome together ; and every body in the City knows that Moll . Meggs and my Lord S-nd-rl-nd were admitted into the Popish Chappel at White-hall on the same day . Bays . However , Mr. Crites , I can scarce be perswaded that Luther and the other Bell-weathers of the Reformation , were ever design'd by providence to restore the Church to ( what you call ) her ancient purity , and to retreive her from a long habitual course of Superstition and Idolatry ( for by that cut-throat name you slander the received usages of the Western Church ) since they came not attended with the power of Miracles , which is the usual badge of the Missionaires of Heaven , and for his part Luther had nothing in him , to distinguish him from the rest of the World , but a peculiar talent of reviling Princes , aspersing his Superiors , and treating all his Adversaries with insupportable insolence and scurrility . Crites . As for his Heats and Passions we have no more to say , Mr. Bays , but that your Infallible Guides have not been without 'em , witness he that blasphem'd so heartily , for having only lost a Peacock . Now I wonder that you should fall so severely upon Luther for the freedom he took with King Henry the 8th ( for I suppose you had your eye upon him , when you tax'd the German just now with the reviling of Princes ) when there 's scarce a Priest , or Scribler of your party throughout the Kingdom , that has not assaulted that or any other Princes memory with greater boldness and familiarity , who has had the hardiness to mortifie the Churchmen : you need not be informed how that Haberdasher of Gerunds and Supines Scioppius the Grammarian , used King Iames the First . But a little warm raillery in a Protestant I find is an unpa●donable sin , while the Catholic Cause sanctifies even the vilest ribaldry , and ascribes it all to the score of Zeal and Devotion . Eugen. But why , Mr. Bays , should you think the worse of the Reformation for its want of Miracles ? We don't pretend to have raised a new Church , and consequently don 't stand in need of 'em , and as for the Miracles of our Saviour and the Apostles , we have as good a title to 'em as you can have . As for what relates to all those stupid ill-contriv'd prodigies and delusions , by which the Monks have supported their superstitious practises , ever since the days of Gregory the Great ( to whom Trajan was more beholding than to his Master Plutarch , for he pray'd him out of Hell ) much good may they do you , and if I had a mind to curse any one heartily , methinks I cou'd not do it more effectually than by wishing him the late Quakers stomach to devour all manner of Offel , and for the second course , a faith capacious enough to believe all the senseless stories in Iacobus de Voragine , and L' Escole d' Euchariste . Crites . Under favour , Mr. Bays , I wou'd not have you rely too much upon the argument of Miracles , for to my certain knowledge the best and the most gainful , nay I was going to say , the only distinguishing Doctrine of your Church , scorns as much to be defended by a Miracle , as a Gentleman of the Town wou'd scorn to take a Poet or a Parson for his Second in a Duel . Eugen. The Doctrine my Friend is talking of , Mr. Bays , will never pass the Ordeal of miracle ; for to prove Transubstantiation , a tenet that contradicts all our Senses , by a Miracle , which is a formal appeal to 'em , is as solemn a piece of nonsense as to go about to prove one of Euclid's propositions out of Littleton's Tenures , or the circulation of the Blood out of Dr. Chamberlain's Apology for Man-midwifery . Crites . In this case , Mr. Bays , a Miracle does the same mischief , as the Saxons did in the case of the poor Britains , it ruines the very cause it was sent for to support . If you believe a Miracle is , as I told you , an appeal to the Sences , 't is as impossible then to justifie Transubstantiation by one , as , if you admit a Dispensing Power , to suppose there can be any such thing in the World as an inviolable Magna Charta for Liberty of Conscience . Eugenius . But why Mr. Bays , should you expect that condescension in the Almighty Poet ( as you are pleas'd to call him ) which you wou'd severely condemn in an ordinary Tragedian ? You know what Horace says to this point , and perhaps he 's as good a Casuist in the matter as any of your Trent-Divines . Nec Deus intersit , nisi dignus vindice nodus Intererit — Now most of your pretended Miracles are delivered down to us by a pack of such dreaming unthinking Sots , were wrought in such obscure places , under the protection of such a Barbarous Age , and what chiefly moves me , were performed for such trival insignificant ends , ( except you think the enriching a few strowling Spiritual jugglers cause enough to put Heaven to the perpetual expence of Miracles ) that I had much rather believe there was never any such thing as a Miracle since the Creation , than receive all for such that your Priests have recounted ; as I can sooner perswade my self there was never such a person as King Arthur , than that he perform'd all those mighty exploits that the History relates of him . Crites . Now we are upon this Subject Mr. Bays , there goes a Golden saying of King Iames the first , Cited by my Lord of St. Albans . Kings ought to govern by the received Laws of their Country , as God by the ordinary rules of Nature , and ought as seldom to make use of their Prerogative , as God does of his power of Miracles . Bays . And what of all that Mr. Crites ? Crites . Why , in my opinion 't is the noblest Apothegm that ever any Prince in the World was guilty of , and I wish one of his Successors had followed the advice . I have not without a great deal of regret observed in the late Reign , that the very same persons who make the Almighty so familiarly violate the Laws upon of Nature every frivolous account , were the men that perswaded his Vicegerent the late unfortunate King , to dispense with , that is , to break half the Laws of his Land , and all , for the noble end of gratifying a few Starving Irishmen , hungry Converts , impudent Priests , and needy Officers . Now as the Prerogative must needs grow very Cheap when it is prostituted to every sawcy Petitioner , so must the power of Miracles certainly fall into contempt , when they are challenged upon every inconsiderable pretence . Eugenius . To the shame of your Church be it spoken , the Heathen Poets were a great deal more civil to the Deity than the writers of the Saints Lives among you have been : They never Subpaena him to appear on the Stage , or to hazard himself in a Machine , but when an intricate perplex'd affair happens , which only a Iupiter , or an Apollo is capable of unravelling : But 't is otherwise with the Monks ; for they 'l scarce let the Saint whom they recommend , Eat or Drink , or Sleep , or go to Stool without a Miracle to keep him Company ; he never makes the sign of a Cross , but the Devil is in as great a fear , as an overgrown Bawd at the sight of an unmerciful Justice ; and when the freak takes him to Preach alone in the Fields , as St. Francis and St. Anthony have done , the Birds and Beasts make an Audience for him , and listen to his harangue with as much Complaisance and attention , as a Midwife to a discourse of a Procreation , or a City Prentice to a story of Knight-errantry . Bays . And is not this a down right Calumny Mr. Eugenius ? Why do you father any such reproachful things on the writers of our Communion ? I dare engage to forfeit all my Acres in Parnassus if a Syllable of such extravagant stuff , as you have mention'd , is to be found in any of their Books . Eugenius . Why thou art as unacquainted I perceive with the Historians of your own Church , as a Iapannese with the affairs of Europe , or the Lyncei at Rome with the Beaux of Covent-Garden . Therefore prithee do but read some half a score Pages in any of the Volumes of Bollandus , ( for your house Mr. Bays is no more able to contain the whole Book , than it is to lodge a whole Troop of Horse ) and you 'l find to your great satisfaction how finely you have Fool'd your self out of your Plantation in Parnassus . He , and Father Cressy , and the rest of your Miracle-mongers have served those excellent persons , whose Lives they pretended to write , just as some late Translators have served our friend Horace ; that instead of making him more ( 't is your own observation Mr. Bays ) have made him less . So that I fancy what Mr. Cowly has advised in his Ode about Wit , Iewels at Nose , and Ears but ill appear , Rather than all be Wit let none be there , Ought to be carefully observ'd in the present case ; rather than every thing , that any of your Saints does , be Miracle , let not so much as one single Miracle be seen about him . Bays . But what say you Gentlemen to the Life of St. Xavier which I Translated the last year out of Pere Bouhours ? I am apt to flatter my self it met with no unkind reception in the World , for as yet I have not seen any public exception made against it . Crites . As for my self Mr. Bays , I seldom troub●e my head now with reading any such kind of Histories , for a man that has read but one or two Lives of your Saints may almost swear he has read all the rest , so uniform a Spirit of lying , and so small a variety is there in all of 'em ; just as under the Reign of Whig and Tory , we used to say , if you had turned over one Observator , you had virtual and in effect read all the following . Eugenius . Nay Mr. Bays , 't is a sad truth , that there 's as undiscernable a difference in the Lives of your Saints , as in the History of the Seven Champions , where killing of Monsters , relieving of Ladies , and breaking of Enchantments belongs in common to all : To oblige you then with the Scheme of such a Life from the Saints Cradle down to his Canonization , 't is in short thus : He forbears to Suck by a strange kind of instinct on Wednesdays , and Fridays , but I should have told you before , that his Mother must of necessity have some odd Dreams about him before she 's Delivered , and afterwards , when other Children are making Durt-pyes , and snipping Paper , you may be sure to find him in the Parlor , scoring crosses on the Wall , with a little Table in the corner placed Altar-wise , and two or three Farthing Candles upon it . Then at the University he takes his Learning as fast as Hops , and runs over the vast Fields of School-Divinty in a less compass of time , than the French Army over-ran Alsace and the Palatinate . Bays . A very fine piece of drollery this , Mr. Eugenius . Eugenius . When he writes Man , Visions and Revelations become as familiar to him as Duns to a young Student at the Temple ; he 's very frequently disturb'd at his Devotions by the Devil , and never fails upon occasion to be even with him , to whom at last he appears as terrible , as a begging Forreigner that talks only Latin to a Country School-Master . He passes through ne're a Village but he Cures more diseases in a day , than the Colledge does in a Twelve-Month , and so ruins half the Apothecaries for five Mile round him ; however to make amends he takes care always to go as ragged as a broken Chymist , or a Petitioner against the Woollen Act , and therefore was never guilty of that damnable Sin of breaking a Taylor or Mercer . He never paid a Farthing for Horse-hire in his life time , but takes a strange delight in walking up to the knees in dirt , and no Meat pleases him so well as that which comes in an Alms-basket . Upon occasion he turns his own Chirurgion , and lets himself Blood with his Discipline , which he carries as certainly about him , as a puny pretender to wit does his Common-place Book . Bays . Why , surely the Devil 's in thee , Mr. Eugenius , wilt thou never have done ? Eugen. His other diversions and amusements are to Visit such a Shrine , or such an Image , ( for he can no more pray without such helps , than an Old Fumbler can perform without an Aretine , or so , to improve his fancy ) where he finds very strange emotions in himself , and then 't is ten to one but he falls into a fit of Preaching , and reclaims a thousand people from their vitious courses in a moment . Above all , he has a fine knack of feeling mens Pulses in the Confessional , 〈◊〉 whom he prescribes a tedious Pilgrimage , or a large Alms for the health of their Souls ; he is an exact Payer of Obedience to his Superiors , and requires it as severely from his own Disciples , tho he employ'd them only to water a dead Tree , or to count how often the Sails of a Wind-mill turn in a days time . At last , Death takes hold of him by way of Revenge , for rescuing so many people out of his clutches before , and then he acts the Counter-part to Sampsons Story , and cures more diseased persons after his decease , then he did in his life time . His Beads , his Crucifix , nay , his very Tooth-picker , begin to trade for themselves , and work Miracles , and happy 's the man that has got a piece of his Sandal but as big as a Half-Crown , for 't is an infallible cure for the Stone and Gout . He has more people come in a year to Visit his Shrine , than to come to see the Toombs at Westminster , or the Lyons in the Tower , and more Crutches of all sizes hang about his Tomb , than all the Baths in Christendom can boast of . In fine , to compleat his happiness , his trusty Master of Rome , for all his faithful Services , translates his soul to Heaven , his Picture or Image , to some stately Chappel built in memory of him ; and lastly , prefers his Name to the Almanack . Bays . Well , Sir , have you made an an end of your rambling speech at last ? I warrant you , I shall have a care of you for the future , and not give you the like occasion for trespassing upon my patience . But prithee tell me , dear Mr. Crites ( for we have hitherto talked nothing to the purpose ) what is your Opinion of the life of St. Xavier ? Crites . Why truly , Mr. Bays , I must needs own that 't is writ with more caution than generally such kind of Lives are , and as for the Language and the Ornaments of the stile , I have nothing to except to them , for without any more Ceremony , they are extreamly fine , both in the Original and in the Translation . Bays . Nay , now you rejoyce the cockles of my heart , honest Mr. Crites ; oh I love dearly to have my pieces commended , and all that , by a Person of Understanding : I'gad I do , Mr. Crites , 't is the greatest refreshment in the World. Prithee , dear Rogue , let me hugg thee to pieces . Come , I 'll give thee a Dish of Tea for this — Crites . But notwithstanding , Mr. Bays — Bays . How , Mr. Crites , do you attack me in the rear with a But , and a Notwithstanding too ? No mortal breathing can bear it . What you are going to kick down the Milk you have given ? Crites . 'T is but your own way , Mr. Bays , as you may remember in your Verses upon Mr. Oldham , where you tell the World that he was a very fine ingenious Gentleman , but still did not understand the cadence of the English Tongue . Bays . Very true Sir , but what have you to say to the Notwithstanding ? Crites . Well then , Mr. Bays , to make friends with you , I 'll leave out the Notwithstanding . But as I was saying before , I don't well apprehend the policy either of Writing , or Translating such a Book . The design of the History runs upon this Key , Here was a Saint that Converted whole Kingdoms to the Christian Religion , he raised People from the Dead , he Cured all manner of Diseases ; in short , his whole life was nothing but a continued Series of Wonders and Miracles , therefore the Doctrines he taught were Infallibly true , and the Roman Church , of which he was so Zealous a Member , teaches nothing disagreeable to the Will of Heaven . This is the summ and substance of the Book , is it not , Mr. Bays ? Bays . No body makes a question on 't , as I know of . Crites . Very good . Now ( say I ) what advantage cou'd the Author propose to himself by Writing such a Book . He knew very well that we Hereticks did not believe a Syllable of the Miracles wrought here by the Fathers of the Society in Europe , and did he then imagine we could ever be brought to believe all their pretended Miracles in the East-Indias . This is such a piece of stuff , as if a man that ask'd me to lend him half a Crown , and I thought fit to deny him that small summ , should therefore desire me to lend him a Guinea . — Negavi Mille tibi nummes , millia quinque dabo ? No Mr. Bays , our understandings are not altogether so Irish , as to be thus impos'd upon . The late Leige-Letters , and the fine account they sent to Rome of the progresses they made in Converting the three Kigdoms , have sufficiently instructed us , what a share of Faith is to be given to the Disciples of Ignatius . If a Protestant had been worth the saving , methinks they might have allow'd us one Miracle at least here at home . It had been as necessary I am sure as in China or Iapan . Eugenius . So now Mr. Bays , what Complements have you in store for this honest friend of yours ? Oh 't is a fine thing to have one's performances commended by a person of judgment ! it comforts and relieves the poor heart infinitely beyond Daffy's Elixir , or the Ros Florentinus . Bays . Nay I gad , I think the Devil himself can't tell me , to which of you two I am the most indebted . Crites . Besides Mr. Bays , there are ten thousand passages in that History , even too gross for a Laplander's apprehension . Cou'd not the honest Father drop his Crucifix in the Sea , but a Crab must be presently employ'd to bring it ashore ? Cou'd not he go a Ship-board as well as other People upon their Lawful occasions , without entailing a Miracle upon it , and preserving it afterwards from the injuries of wind and weather ? Cou'd not he dye after the usual rate of mankind , but an Old Image at his Father's Castle must out of pure pitty drip at the very same moment ? Cou'd not a poor Taper or so burn before his Image , but the very droppings of it must immediately cure all manner of Infirmities ? Cou'd not he be content to instruct the Infidels after the plain manner of the Old Apostles , without teaching them the Confiteor and the Ave-Mary , and leaving them that foolish Catechism , which you may find copied in Ludovicus Dieu ? Cou'd he with any safe conscience reprove the Bonza's for cheating the poor people of their Money , and pretending to return it them with Usury in the next World , and then instruct them in the Doctrines of his Mother Church about private Masses and Purgatory , which practises the very self same Imposture ? Bays . Well , Sir , after this rate you may ridicule every thing in the World , if you please . Crites . I profess , Mr. Bays , I don't see any reason why the Saint should fall so severely upon those Indian Recluses , the Bonza's , as the History informs us he did , since they led no other lives , than the Monks generally do here in Christendom ; they pretended to a great deal of austerity when they walked abroad , and in their private Cells gave themselves over to all the licentiousness imaginable , Hypocrisie was their peculiar Talent , and they were expert masters at the Trade ; one principle they held , which is , I am sure , Orthodox enough , and very agreeable to the sentiments of your Church , viz. that Poverty is a damnable sin , and no one can be saved who has not the grace to be Rich. Methinks for the sake of this single Doctrine the Pious Father might have been enclin'd to pass by their other infirmities , and look upon 'em not as meer Infidels , and Aliens , but as half-converts , and fellow-labourers in the Vineyard . Eugen. My Friend has already told you , Mr. Bays , to what little purpose the Author writ the History of St. Xavier : Prithee then tell me what advantages you cou'd propose to your self in the Translating it ? Was it to get a pretty round sum of money , or so , from your friend T-ns-n ? Come , I saith Little Rogue thou must tell me the reason . Bays . Must , Mr Eugenius ? What do you give the Must to a man of my Character and Gravity ? Were Reasons as cheap as Black-berries , I 'de not give you one I gad upon compulsion . What must give you a Reason , dear Mr. Eugenius ? Eugenius . Why if that won't do , Mr. Bays , I intreat and conjure thee , as thou hopest for no Famine in this World , and no Gnashing of Teeth in the next , nay as thou hopest for preferment for the Virtuous Sons of thy Body , and a good Third Day for the last issue of thy brain , Don Sebastian , to acquaint me with the Reason why thou didst undertake the aforesaid Translation . Bays . Nay , now you accost me with Civil Language and all that , I can deny you nothing : You must know then that 't was purely done for the sake of the Late Queen , when she gave the people hopes of obliging 'em with a Prince of Wales . St. Xavier was the Card she depended upon ; and let me tell you he 's a Person that never fails to oblige his Votaries . Eugen. The reason is , because he has liv'd but a short while in the Calender , but when he has passed an age or two there , 't is ten to one but he 'l grow as sleepy and unmindful of his Clients , as the rest of his Brother Saints have done . We see the same things practised by our Lawyers ; when they first set up for themselves , nothing can be more diligent in attending all manner of Causes than they are ; but when they have once acquir'd a Reputation and an Estate , you may dance attendance a long while at their Chambers , before you can get 'em to mind your business . Crites . I find , Mr. Bays , you of the Church of Rome are as passionately affected for a new Saint , as the Gentlemen at this end of the Town are for a new Play , a new Tavern , and a new Mistress ; you know how the late famous Cardinal of Millain St. Carlo has overtopt the name of venerable St. Ambrose . But prithee tell me how St. Xavier came to be pitcht upon in this weighty affair , one that had herded so long amongst the Indians , and besides was not half so well acquainted with the condition of Europe , as his contemporaries St. Ignatius , and St. Francis de Sales were ? Bays . For a very good reason Sir. The late Queen-mother of France you must understand for a long time had no Children , and tho she used the most effectual means in the world to remove her barreness as the — Eugen. As the help of Cardinal Mazarine — Bays . Prithee , Mr. Eugenius , don't disturb me thus , as the Prayers of the Church , and the advice of her Physitians , yet all would not do : At last she was happily perswaded to recommend her self to the protection of St. Xavier , nor was the counsel long with out answerable success , for to his powerful intercession she owed the present King of France , Lovis le Grand . Eugen. Nay if any thing on this side Hell had a hand in praying for so choice a blessing , I dare swear it was one of the Society ; and so , Mr. Bays , because St Xavier met with such success in France , it was believed he 'd meet with the like in England , and procure us an Heir Apparent to the Crown . We have already seen the blessed effects of his mediation , and I am afraid the poor Saint will find it a harder business by far to pray his Prince of Wales into a Throne , than he found it to pray him into the World. — I am in good hopes , Mr. Bays , you have not many more Objections now in store to make against the Church of England , for methinks we have been discoursing along while about her , therefore pray dispatch . Bays . For your comfort , Gentlemen , I have only one Objection more to make , and then I have done : You may think it somewhat strange perhaps for a person of my Profession to quarrel with your Church for her want of discipline , and observation of fasting days , and lastly , because I am willing to sum up all my forces at parting , for her want of Ceremonies , and that Grandeur , which is requisite to support every Religion in the World , but yet I have done it . — I gad I have Gentlemen — Crites . I must confess , Mr. Bays , it looks as odd for a Poet to be angry with any Religion , because it is not guilty of rigour , and severity , as for a Bawd to quarrel with the Government of the City , because it does not hang , draw , and quarter all people that have committed Fornication : Such an Objection from a Poet is altogether as unnatural , as it wou'd be for an Atheist to find fault with the Translation of Lucretius ; or for a Parson that carries three Steeples in his Pocket , to condemn the Church for allowing of Pluralities . Bays . Well , you may pursue your Drollery as far as you please , but in my opinion your Church is guilty of a certain sin , with a damnable hard name to it , and the learned Dr. Walker calls it an Autocatacrisis ; that is , you need no adversary to arraign you in the present case , for you condemn your selves . In your Ash-wednesday Service , you wish the primitive discipline were restored again , you wish I say it were restored , but it never proceeded any farther , for you never attempted any thing in order to establish it since the Reformation . Crites . We may e'en thank your Infallible Guide for that , and no one besides ; he for a long time had taken the power upon him to lay aside the old penitentiary Canons , and instead of those severe Mortifications , which the Primitive Church inflicted upon Offenders , either imposed pecuniary mulcts , or else enjoyn'd the people for the attaining an Absolution , to go and be knock'd in the Head in the Holy-Land , or else to be damn'd in his service in fighting against Heretics at home . However mony was still the powerful business , and whatever the offence was , mony still aton'd for it . Now after so long a disuse of the Ancient Discipline , the Reformers found it as impracticable a thing to introduce it on the sudden , as it would be for the present Government to revive all the old Penal Statutes , that have lain dormant ever since Henry the Seventh . Bays . This is a very good jest I gad , Mr. Crites , we have ruined ( you say ) Pennance , and utterly confounded it , as if it was not still received for a Sacrament amongst us , and kept up to the highest rigour and austerity . Well , I perceive you are not so well acquainted with the constitutions of our Church as you should be ; Alas ! you know nothing of the Pilgrimages we enjoyn , or of the Religious Exercises we prescribe in such cases . Crites . Yes I do , Mr. Bays , but still I tell you mony will make up all matters , and repair the greatest breaches you can mention : As for your other punishments they are so very foolish and ridiculous , that they are almost beneath any mans consideration to expose ' em . Eugen. A Whore has committed Fornication , and acquaints her Father Confessor with it . Go ( says he ) to Loretto , or St. Winifreds - Well , and there be sure you repeat so many Prayers a day , and leave some small Token behind you at the Altar ; and then according to the civility of your Religion , he gives her Absolution ; for 't is the complaisance of your Church to grant a full release before debt be discharged . Away she goes , and if Barefoot , so much the better ; but 't is an even lay , that before she reaches her journeys end , she is guilty of that sin a hundred times over , for which the Pilgrimage was enjoyn'd her . Crites . A Tradesman for some honest cheats that he uses in his Vocation , is enjoyn'd after the like manner to beat the Hoof to the next Saints Shrine , and there pay his Devotions : Now what kind of commerce the Priest keeps with the solitary Lady , all the while that the Poor Husband is upon his April-Errand , is not difficult to imagine . For when such an intreague is design'd , the Spiritual Guide takes the same care to remove that Evil Counsellor , the Cuckold , as the Popes did to send the Western Princes out of the way by a Crusade , when they were laying the foundations of their Temporal Greatness . In short , those idle unaccountable performances that your Church requires , you must call Pennance , by the same Figure only , as you call eating the best Fish , and drinking the best Wine , a Religious Fasting . Bays . Now you remind me of Fasting , which is a duty that you of the Reformation so seldom practise ; pray tell me how you can excuse your selves for so unpardonable a failure , or what you have to Object to us in that Particular . Eugen. I shall make use of no other answer , Mr. Bays , than what you have already furnished us with in one of your Plays . 'T is the return of an Honest Indian in the Conquest of Mexico upon an Impertinent Spaniard , that was discoursing the very same things upon this occasion as you have done . Cheaply you sin , and punish each Offence , Not with the Souls , but Bodys Abstinence ; First injure Heaven , and when its wrath is due , Your selves proscribe it how to punish you . There are abundance of very smart reflections in the same Scene upon the Pope's Supremacy , and the sawciness of your Priests ; for to say the truth you spare 'em no more when ever you meet 'em conveniently , than the French Privateers do the English Merchant-men ; but this being written , before you receiv'd your last illumination , I shall urge it no more upon you . However , Mr. Bays , to deal plainly with you , there 's no such thing as fasting in your Church , especially amongst people of any quality , unless you 'l ridicule the regaling one self with the most provoking Meats , and the most generous Wines by that name . The Poor indeed fast in the literal sense , because they can't help it , otherwise they might make a shift to relieve nature well enough ; and with such kind of devout Fasters every Church in the World is sufficiently stock'd , and ours amongst the rest , for you may find large Herds of 'em every day in the Temple-Walks , the Irish Coffee-house , or the Piazza's in Covent-Garden . Eugen. The truth on 't is , Mr. Bays , you had done much better to have let this business of fasting and all that alone ; because amongst Friends be it spoken , to charge us with that , which you your selves practise with such dexterity of management , looks as odd as it wou'd be for a protected Parliament mans man to rail at the priviledges of Alsatia ; or for one of Pen's Herd to rail at the Five Bishops for not swearing to the present Government ; or lastly , for one of the Heralds at Arms to quarrel with Chaplains and Poets for flattering of Families . — The other plea about Ceremonies is a thousand times more justifiable , and to say the truth , is the only proper Objection that a Dramatic Poet can make to the Reformed Religion . Bays . Well I am glad however , that once in my life-time , I had the grace to light upon something which is proper ( as you call it ) and sutable to the occasion . I gad I utterly despair'd of meeting you in so good a humour , for hitherto you have us'd me like an Infidel , and denied every thing which I propos'd — And now , Gentlemen , let me see how you 'l excuse the Dishabillé of your Church as to the point of Ceremonies . You cannot but be sensible how solemn and august the Church of Rome is in her devotion , but you I am sure can pretend no such matter . Crites . Very right , Mr. Bays , we cannot , while the people of your Communion have nothing but Show and Ceremony in their Publick Worship , as in the Lives of their Saints they have nothing but sheer Miracle to entertain ' em . We have as much Ceremony I 'm sure as decency requires , as much as is sufficient to hide the nakedness of Religion , and to use any more we think it as great a Solecism as it had been for Adam when he only design'd to cover his Nakedness , to have cloath'd himself all over with Leaves , like the Green man in the Distillers Coat of Arms. Eugen. 'T is otherwise with you , Mr. Bays , for you have laid so much Italian Paint upon the Matron , that 't is scarce discernable of what complexion she is , whether Christian or Pagan . We yield to you I confess in the Gayety and Chargeable Dress of Devotion , and the reason of it is very plain , for it has ever been the Talent of the wicked World to cultivate Superstition with more expence and cost , than the Truth it self ▪ as you know most of the Limberhams of this end of the Town keep their Misses a great deal finer than their Wives . The Religious of the Three First Ages , tho it must be acknowledged that out of a Principle of Decency they admitted as much Ceremony as was consistent with the Nature of Christianity , yet they never carryed the matter to such extremities as afterwards they were ; they placed no Sanctity in the observation of them , and the ceremonies they retain'd wanted no Theolological Dictionaries , or Rationale's to explain them , they were obvious to the meanest apprehension , and entertained upon solid substantial grounds ; such as the promotion of piety , and the like , and not for amusing the ignorance of the people , or for advancing the interests of an ambitious Priesthood . 'T is indeed very true , that every Nation of the World tinctur'd the Christian Religion when it came into their hands , more or less , with the customs of their own Country . This is visible from the conduct of the Graecians , who being some of the earliest receivers of Christianity , modell'd it in a short time according to their own fancies and inclinations ; they were a free generous drinking people , and accustom'd all along to make much of themselves in their Sacrifices , and Libations ; and so when they made profession of a new Religion , which one would have thought might have restrain'd them from sueh extravagancies , yet they were resolved to introduce good eating , and good drinking , into their Churches ; and so they did , till at last their entertainments grew so very scandalous , and irregular , that they were obliged to lay them aside . On the other hand , the Italians , who had the advantage of recommending their own Scheme of Religion , to this part of the Western World , by having the Imperial seat in their own Country , were naturally inclined to Musick and Painting , and all that Pageantry that serves to entertain the senses . This sort of divertisement , failed not after some time to creep into the Church , and as we read , the Old Romans used upon some extraordinary occasions , to make whole Cities , nay , Provinces , and Countries , free of their City ; so their Successors , afterwards out of the same principle of Latitude and Generosity , made either all , or most of the Old Pagan Ceremonies , free of the Christian Religion . The Spaniards , in their Mosarabic service , which still continues in some Churches in Spain , made use of Horses , and Morris Dancing , which , as a certain Bishop pleaded for them at the Council of Trent , were very significant ceremonies ; and so without question they were , for Horses might be excused out of that Verse in the Psalms , where it is said , He rides upon the Heavens as it were a Horse : And as for Dancing , besides that it is sufficiently countenanced from the Levites Dancing before the Ark , may very symbolically denote that our souls ought to observe the same agility in the peformance of spiritual Duties , as our bodies do in that nimble exercise . If the Danes had had the opportunity of prescribing a mode of Worship to the world , I make no question but Kettle-Drums had been by this time Iure Divino , and used in Churches , as well as the Ladies in America keep up the drinking of Chocolate in their Churches , a custom which their Priests indulg'd them in long before their conversion ; and which , as Mr. Gage informs us , they still continue . One that reads in Livie all that foolish superstition that was practis'd in Old Rome , and sees the same , if not a great deal grosser practis'd in the New , would certainly conclude that the Popes had transcrib'd all their Ceremonial out of him , so that it had been very well for you , Mr. Bays , if Gregory the Great could have totally destroy'd that Authors Works as he endeavour'd , for then , perhaps , you had either not practis'd that idle Pageantry which now you do , or else you might have passed for the Inventors , whereas we now very well know whence you had the Originals . In Athenaeus's time , the Receipt of making Holy Water , was by taking a Fire-brand from the Altar , and dipping it into the Water ; you retain in your Church much such a sort of Water , but only differ in the making it ; you pour in some Salt , and then exorcise the Devil out of both the Creatures before he was ever in them , and afterwards ascribe the Lord knows what efficacy to this rare composition ; but for all that , I believe Athenaeus's Holy Water , if a man would try it , is as good as yours to all intents and purposes , and confers a much Grace to such as discreetly use it . Durandus , and the Doway-Catechism , give several Pious Reasons for the Sacerdotal Tonsure . Now Herodetus tells us , the very same custom was used by the AEgyptian Priests , but they , as we are informed by him , did it not upon the score of Religion , but only to keep themselves from being Lousy ; and no question on 't , shaving in that hot Climate , where you see the fashion first began , was very commendable , and as I take it , requisite for the Laity as well as the Clergy ; and this reason I look upon to be ten times more satisfactory and solid , than what your Divines give for the Tonsure , for it 's the easiest thing in the World , to turn that into a Religious Observation which at first was only a Civil Custom , and then to give abundance of fine plausible Reasons for the doing of it . A man might easily trace the rest of your superstitious practices , and tell you whence you had them , but that , Mr. Bays , would require too much time , and therefore I shall on purpose pass them by . That which vexes me most , is to see that the people of your Communion are not content to do these foolish ridiculous things , but they must offer such reasons for them , as if they were of Divine Institution . Let him kiss me with the kiss of his Mouth , therefore the Priest must kiss the Altar . Thou shalt see my back parts , therefore the Priest must turn his back to the people . Wash me again , therefore the Priest must wash his hands twice . Put off thy Shooes for this place is holy . Therefore the Bishop at Mass must change his Shooes and Stockings . Christ is the Rock , and therefore the Altar must be of Stone ; and therefore ( say I ) if such Reasons as these will hold Water , two Priests may play a Game at Cards upon the Altar , and do no harm at all but edify the Congregation ; for the Ace may put them in mind of the Unity , and the Tray of the Trinity , and the Knave of Iudas ; and so on , till they have run through the whole History of the Christian Religion . And thus likewise they may play at Sword and Buckler , to signifie the perpetual scuffle between the Flesh and the Spirit , and what a fine Buckler Faith is ; and thus instead of Incense , they may smoak a Pipe of Tobacco ( which by the by , is less chargeable than Incense , and will serve much better to fright the Devil out of Church ) to denote that sinful man is Dust and Ashes , and to represent the Conflagration to them . Thus they may play at Blind-mans Buff , to show how blind the Sons of Adam are in their Natural State , and and thus they may do ten thousand such freaks as these , and yet not want very good reasons to support the practice of them , because there is nothing in the World too fulsom , and gross for superstition to swallow , and for ignorance and interest to justifie . And now , Mr. Bays , we have run over all the objections you made against the Church of England , and endeavoured to answer them . Now if you please to perform the second part of your promise , and give us your reasons why you settled in the Romish Communion , you 'll extreamly oblige us . — But first , Boy , fill us a Dish of Tea apiece — Bays . Well , Gentlemen , I shall give you my Reasons , tho I must tell you beforehand , I expect no other answers to them but Banter and Drollery , from persons of your complexion . But as I have already been a Confessor for my Religion , so ( if my Destinies require it ) I am ready to be a Martyr for it , as my Brother Poet Prudentius was before me . Crites . Oh , I understand your meaning , you have lost your Laureats and Historiographers place ; whether you abdicated or forfeited it , is not now the question — Here , Boy , give Mr. Bays a Dish of Tea — and now , dear Confessor , prithee begin . Bays . To make short work of it then , being well satisfy'd of the truth of the Christian Religion ; but — Crites . And was 't thou so little Bays ? But how can a man believe thee ? Come , if the truth were known , I am sure thou hast the Alcoran in the belly of thee ; nay , don't despair , dear Confessor , Louis le Grand will set the great Turk upon his Leggs again , one of these days . Bays . Nay Sir ▪ if you are at that sport I have done . Eugen. Why prethee Mr. Bays , I took thee for a man of more Philosophy and all that , than to be thus disturb'd for so small a matter . I thought you had been of Socrates's opinion , that all creatures could not affront you . Bays . I am indeed Sir , and thank you heartily for reminding me of him , so now I 'll proceed — Being , as I told you , very well satisfied of the truth of the Christian Religion , but not so well satisfied that the Church of England was the true Church ; I cast my eyes round about me , and discover'd in the Church of Rome several particulars which no other Communion of Christians in the World cou'd pretend to , as Infallibility , Unity , Uiversality , Antiquity , and Clemency , and therefore here I settled . After some conversation and experience , I found here to be a Church of so severe a Discipline , so examplary a Devotion , so admirable an Unity , so majestic a Grandeur , that I believe I may be pardon'd the expression , if I say she has been so far from debauching and corrupting , that she has even improv'd the Christian Religion . Crites . Nay , I 'll say that for your Church , Mr. Bays , she has as good a hand at improving of hints , as ever any Church in the World had . As for example , the Rhetorical Apostrophes and Flourishes of the first Fathers to the Saints , she has improved into a solemn Invocation of them . Eugen. The idle conjectures of some melancholly persons , about a middle place in the fourth Century , she has improv'd into a real Purgatory , peopled it with inhabitants , and by certain refrigerium's so corrected the unwholesomness of the air , that it wou'd be now nothing nigh so great a punishment to pass a winter there , as any where under the Line . Crites . The Virgin Mary's salutation she has improved into a Prayer , the Real Presence into a Corporal one , the civil respect that was formerly given to the Relicks of Martyrs into a Religious Veneration of them . Eugen. Primitive Institution left us only two Sacraments , which she has since improv'd into seven . The first Missionaries of our Religion , bequeath'd but twelve Articles to be believ'd by us , and she has lately improved them into the jolly number of aff's Buckram-men , twenty four . Crites . St. Paul tells us of one Mediator only that makes continual intercession for us ; and she has been so civil , as to furnish us with above forty thousand . Universal Tradition has handed down to us but twenty two books in the Old Testament , and she has added the Apocrypha , and may in due time , if she summons another Council at Trent , introduce the Talmud into the Canon . Thus , Mr. Bays , your Catholick Church has improv'd the Christian Religion with a witness , made the Porch bigger than the Building it self , and renew'd the Miracle of the Loaves and Fishes , where the voider exceeded the Bill of fare . Eugen. Let us now turn the Tables , Mr. Bays , and see whether your Church continues still in this giving humour ; it would certainly exhaust the treasure of any Church in the Universe , to be always issuing out largesses , and never retrenching her expence ; and therefore it may be worth our while , to examine whether the Roman Church , that has been guilty of so much profuseness one way , has not made as many retrenchments another way , to ballance her accounts . The Apostles left us the Scriptures in common , as a part of our property and inheritance , but she for certain prudential considerations , has thought to keep them under Lock and Key . Crites . Primitive Institution left us the Sacrament under both kinds , Bibite ex hoc omnes is the word , but she has retrench'd us of the Cup. Our Religion allows us a free possession of our Reason and Senses , but she obliges us to renounce them . The Scriptures only forbid Marriage within the degrees of Consanguinity , but she has forbid it within the degrees even of a spiritual Relation . Eugen. The Apostles left us at large exempt from the Iewish observations of clean and unclean , but she has introduced them again . Praestat nubere quam uri says you know who ; no , by no means cries the Hind , let the Priests rather commit Incest , Sodomy , and Adultery , than be allow'd the liberty to Marry . Thus you see , Mr. Bays , what the Sea gives in one place , it takes away in another ; and thus your Mother Church of Rome , if she gives with the right hand , she takes away with the left , to make amends for her extraordinary charges , just as you see some Gentlemen , of this end of the Town , discard their Servants , and pinch their Families , to put themselves in a capacity of keeping a Glass-Coach , and a single pair of Horses . Bays . Well , Gentlemen , you have both of you run your selves out of breath with this discourse , but not a word all this while of Infallibility . Crites . Oh dear Confessor , I am obliged to you , for refreshing my memory as to that point , for I love Infallibility extreamly . I am clearly of thy opinion , little Bays , that Infallibility , if it were any where to be found , were worth both Testaments , and cast all the Creeds in Christendom into the bargain ; and now I 'll tell you a Story . There was a certain Country Gentleman , no matter for his Name , or where he lived , but he had read the Sadducismus Triumphatus , and was so mightily taken with Dr. More 's Notion of a Vehicle , that he could not rest , till he had bought him a Vehicle , call'd in English a Calash ; so he eat and drank in his Vehicle , and slept in his Vehicle , and lay with his Wife in his Vehicle , and got an Heir Apparent upon her Virtuous body in his Vehicle ; and Vehicle was his Name — a. Baye . And what of all this , prithee ▪ Here 's a Story with all my heart . Crites . Why , as foolish as it is , it shall serve for a Vehicle to another story , which is of a certain Tooth-drawer of my acquaintance , that lived in the Strand : Bays . The Devil take your Tooth-drrwer for me , what have I to do with him ? I am affraid your story will prove as troublesome to me , as a fit of the Tooth-ach . Crites . A very good jest i'saith ; I protest , dear Rogue , thou begin'st to mend upon it — Why , this same fellow you must understand , had made a shift , out of some Church-yard or other , to pick up some two or three hundred Teeth , and hung them on a string before his Shop , to perswade the World that he was a man of great business in his Mystery of Tooth-drawing , but all would not do , no body came nigh him , so he was ready to starve ; and ( as he has since told me ) he was brought to those extremities , that he resolved one Friday , about eight in the morning , to draw his own Teeth out , and his Wives , and his little Daughter Bettys , and hang them on a string , because there was no occasion for them in his Family , he having not a bit of bread in his House to employ them . At last , ( says a friend of his to whom he made known his condition ) to him , " Iack , come , down with your Sign , and set up a new one , with this Inscription , Here lives an Operator in Teeth , that draws all manner of old Srumps , and rotten Gums , without any manner of pain , most Infallibly , and I 'll engage , that within this fortnight , thou shalt have as much business , as thou canst turn thy hands to . He followed the advice , and wou'd you believe it , Mr. Bays , got the greatest practice of any Touth-drawer in City or Country . In one Week , as I was credibly inform'd the last year , he drew the Teeth of a hundred and fifty Courtiers , besides , of half the Court of Aldermen , and my Lord Mayor's into the bargain ; and he has so well batten'd upon his profession , that he 's in a fair way now to keep his Vehicle . Bays . Keep his Vehicle , so let him and be hanged an he pleases . Why , what 's all this to the purpose ? Crites . Oh , very much , Sir , for even so a certain Gentleman at Rome , do ye mind me , Mr. Bays , when he was only Bishop of Rome , and nothing else , he had scarce Money enough to set his Pot a boyling , but when he once got the Tooth-drawer's trick of Writing Here lives Infallibility on his Sign , why then he had customers from all parts of the World , and in a short time got so much Money from his Clients , that he scorns now to trudge it a foot , as his Predecessors used to do , and keeps a sett of brawny fat Porters to carry him on their Shoulders . Bays . Nay , he that has the patience , Mr. Crites , to hear you tell a story , may defie , I think , all the plagues on this side Hell , as a declaiming Parliamentman , a Case-repealing Templar , a Quibling Justice of Peace , and an University Critick . This is all , Sir , and so farewel . Eugen. How , Mr. Bays , have you so soon forgot your Philosopher Socrates ? Come , I see , I must remind you of him once an hour , at least , or you 'll be apt to renounce his acquaintance . Why , prithee man , he 's only in jest , and there 's no harm in what he says ; therefore let it not , to use Mr. Shadwell's expression , disturb the serene tranquillity of thy sagacious Soul. Bays . At your entreaty dear Mr. Eugenius I 'le go on ; and to let you see what dexterity I use in my Ergotering ( pray take notice of that word , for 't is of my own Coining ) you shall see me prove the infallibility of our Church within the compass of two lines . Then granting , this Unerring guide we want , That such there is you stand oblig'd to grant . Pray , Gentlemen , observe the force of this argument , for I protest to you 't is exceeding pretty ; an Infallible guide is very necessary to direct the Church here upon Earth , to set People in the right way , and show 'em what is Heresie and what not . This , I 'm confident , no body that has any guts in his brains , will deny . Now from this very Principium because he 's necessary , I conclude I gad , that there is such an Infallible guide . Crites . By your favour Mr. Bays I don't see that this conclusion of yours is very naturally deduced ; for you know we want ten thousand things in the World , which yet are not be had for Love or Money ; For instance , your Seamen that make long Voyages , want an unfailing Pilot to conduct 'em to their Port , want unfailing Brandy , and Bisket , and Water to serve 'em all the way , want unfailing breezes of Wind to carry 'em thither , and home again ; and yet you will not say , Mr. Bays , that because they want all these unfailing circumstances , that therefore they are possess'd of them . I am sure the East-India Company wou'd allow you a better Pension than your late Historiographer Royals place amounted to , if you cou'd make your words good . And therefore that solid argament in your Canon-Law , Si Dominus Deus non fecisset Papam infallibilem , Dominus Deus non fuisset discretus . Which you Translate , he were else wanting to supply our needs : Will not pass with me , I 'le assure you . Bays . Mr. Eugenius your friend here begins again to be rude and uncivil , he denies plain demonstration , and therefore I have done with him . But I know you to be of a person of a better temper , and so I 'le go on . It then remains that only Church can be The Guide , that owns unfailing certainty . You see I prov'd before that a guide was necessary , that therefore we had one . Now I' gad , by another argument full as invincible , I Establish this undeniable truth , that the Church which owns such a guide is certainly possess'd of him . Crites . Of what I prithee Little Bays . Bays . Why , Lord Sir , of the Infallible Judge . Crites . Is it the same thing then to pretend , and to have ? This , I confess , is a secret that I was never made acquainted with before ; but now I intend to make the best use on 't I can . This is therefore to acquaint all the Goldsmiths , Mercers , Vintners , and Linnen-Drapers in or about the City , and lines of Communication , that I Crites am infallibly possest of an Estate to the value of ten thousand Pound per Annum , somewhere in the North , and that whosoever shall presume to deny me credit , for two or three thousand Pounds worth of Goods , is a rude person , and I 'le throw him into Jail for his Pagan Infidelity — But Mr. Bays , I fancy it wou'd be worth a manswhile , to know where this same infallibility resides , to have a little conversation with him , for I 'de willingly be resolv'd in some such material points as these . Whether Mr. Hobbs , or Dr. Wallis had the better end of the staff de Quadraturâ Circuli . Whether is in the wrong , Mr. Flamsted , or Captain Blackborough about the Longitude of the Sea. Whether a North-East passage is to be found to China . Whether it is not rank Non-sence to prove those things , which you call unwritten Traditions out of the written word , and if so ▪ whether Bellarmine does not deserve to be toss'd in a Blanket , for citing twenty several places in Scripture to prove a Purgatory by . Whether Old Mr. Sclater of Putney's Galatinus was ever Circumcis'd or no ; and lastly what Dr. Walker meant by his five Theses of Church Government — Can you satisfie a friend to this particular . Bays . What where he Lodges ? Oh most easily Sir , for you may either meet with him at home in Cathedra with a Urinal in one hand , and feeling the pulse of Madam Religion with the other ; or else playing at Shuttle-Cock with his Domestics in the Conclave at Ave-Mary-lane , or lastly , if it be Term time , and a great deal of business stirring abroad , at the Sign of a General Council near Westminster-Hall . Crites . But pray Mr. Bays , what is the reason that this same infallibility shifts his Lodgings so often , for I am afraid he comes as dissonestly by what he pretends to , as the French King by his acquisitions upon the Rhine — Methinks now if it had been my good fortune to have stumbled upon this extraordinary prize , this Unerring Elixir vitae , I shou'd have taken the same Methods that your City-quacks , and Captains of Ships , and Casters of Nativities use , and certify'd the World in Bills Printed for that purpose , that I live next door to the Pope's - Head over against the Exchange , and am to be spoke with , at my Lodgings every Morning from Seven till Eleven , and in the Afternoon from Two till Six , that the poor shou'd have Advice for nothing , and that if I had any occasions to stir abroad , I wou'd certainly leave word with my Nephew Don Marco Ottoboni , what Tavern , or Coffee-House I was gone to , with this Latin Sentence in the bottom of the Paper , Nulla notitia ut experientia . — But before we part with this Subject , one word more , and then I have done : Suppose Mr ▪ Bays , any person , from the difficulty of finding out this infallible judge , shou'd be apt to imagin he 's no where to be met with , but in the Isle of Pines or so , how wou'd you satisfie him pray . Bays . Only with half a dozen lines out of my Poem , Sir , and then let me see , whether this scruple wou'd ever offer to stare him in the Face any more . The doubtful residence no proof can bring Against the plain existence of the thing . Shew him but these lines , and the fine simile about Sight , that whether it be per emissionem , or ( as some hold ) per receptionem specierum , yet that still no body denys there 's such a thing as Sight ; show him but these lines , I say , and ( if you 'l give me leave to quibble upon my own words ) I 'le lay ten to one , that he presently finds an Emission of his Scruple , and the reception of the truth . Crites . That is as much as to say , Mr. Bays , because your own Doctors are not yet agreed , wherein the substance of the Mass consists , for some of 'em place it in the Act of Consecration , others make Consecration and Sumption together the Essence of it , and some again stand up for Fraction ; shall a grim Logician thence conclude , that your Doctors believe there 's no Sacrifice at all ? Bays . Shall he , Mr. Crites ? shall he Sir ? No I gad , unless he 'l prove himself a Coxcomb for his pains . Eugen. But , Mr. Bays , hold a little I pray ; I 'de desire you not to lay too great a stress upon this Argument , for I am afraid it will scarce do the business . The circumstance of place is in my opinion full as necessary to be determined as the circumstance of time , and yet a learned Cusuist of your Church , Sirmondus by name , and one of the stiffest maintainers of the blessed Doctrine of Attrition , concludes that a man is not obliged to love God at all , because the Schoolmen have not decided the question , when , and how often we were to love him . So then , say I , by the same way of reasoning , a man is not oblig'd to believe , there 's any such thing as Infallibility in your Church , since your Doctors have not as yet agreed where to settle it , no more than the Heathens knew where to settle their Summum Bonum , and perhaps never will , between this and the Resurrection . Bays . Well , you have prettily bandied the Doctrine of Infallibility between you both , but I can easily forgive you for it , because to my certain knowledge 't is the severest Enemy you of the Reformation have ; what can you except now to the Unity , Antiquity , and Universality of our Church ? Crites . Why I thought , Mr. Bays , we had exchanged some words about the Unity of your Church a little while ago , when you were pleas'd to say , that the Differences and Divisions amongst us , were one reason for your leaving our Communion : So that there needs nothing to be said to that particular here , but only this , that altho you have as many divisions in your Schoolmen , and several Orders as we have ; yet as it has always been the confess'd Talent of the Children of Darkness , to be wiser in their Generation than the Children of Light , so your Divines for example , have had the discretion not to pursue their Controversies , to any great Extremities , for fear of breaking in peices , and dissolving their Ecclesiastical Kingdom . This peice of Policy ▪ as our Saviour tells us , The Devils themselves understand and practise , and then indeed it is no wonder to find it in the Conclave , for people naturally write after the Copy that is set before them . I cou'd wish our Dissenters would consider this , for in some cases you know , Fas est , & ab Hoste doceri . The Antiquity of your Church has been already considered in the Preface , and as for your pretences of Universality I shall return you no answer , but send you to the common Maps for your farther information . Eugen. Unless I am mistaken , Mr. Bays , there is another Reason still behind , which helped to determine you in your choice of the Roman Communion , but I have clearly forgot the name of it , and yet to the best of my knowledge , I never met it amongst the Fifteen Marks which Bellarmine gives of the True Church . Bays . That may be Sir , and yet 't is as unquestionably true as any of the rest . I mean the Clemency of our Church , and hope your Dissenters found by comfortable experience , that the Doctrine of Persecution is far from being an Article of our Faith. — The Sheep , and harmless Hind Were never of the Persecuting Kind . Crites . Upon my word , Mr. Bays , I never expected to hear this passage from you . Well , now let Nature her Old Laws forego , And wild Disorder rule below ; Let Tiber now no longer glide To pay his wonted Tribute to the Tide . Since Rome sets up a kind indulgent care For the more pow'rful Sword , and more convincing Spear . Eugen. Certainly , Mr. Bays , you were not well awake when you made Good Nature and Clemency one of the distinguishing characters of your Catholic Hind . Why surely you think , we never travelled farther in History than the Seven Champions , and Don Quixot , or never heard of the Albigenses , the Vaudois , the poor men of Lyons , the Patarenes , the Arnoldists , the Speronists , the Passagenes , the Wiclevites , and the Fratricelli ( as they then call'd 'em ) thousands of which , were formerly sacrificed to the Roman Moloc , and whose Posterity are duly every year deliver'd into the Devils hands , by your Pious Pastor in the Bulla Caenae . Bays . I find you have been dabling lately in Old Fox's Volumes for your knowledge , but upon my word , Mr. Eugenius , he 's as scandalous an Author , as Sir Iohn Mandevil of famous memory , or — Eugen. The modern Monsieur Varillas , or Pere Bouhours . But no matter for that . Do you think we have no Frenchmen about the Town that lost a Grandfather , or a Relation at the Paris Massacre ? Do you think none of our Irish Refugees ever discourse of the Rebellion of 41. over their Tea , and Coffee ? What do we celebrate the Fifth of November in Squibs , and Crackers , but only to commemorate our deliverance from the Gun-powder-Plot , when ( as I lately found it in an Old Sermon . ) You thought to fix , as I may say 't in metre , Saint Peter's Faith with Catholic Salt-Petre . Bays . Nay look you , Gentlemen , I am not at all concern'd to justifie the irregularities of former times : But the Immortal Declaration for Liberty of Conscience sufficiently shews , that a persecuting Spirit is not entail'd upon our Party . I remember very well , what I said then to the Dissenters , out of Martial . Si vitare Canum morsus Lepus improbe quae ris , Ad quae confugias Ora Leonis , habes . The Panther's Claws wouldst thou avoid Dissenter ? Into the Lyons Mouth then enter , enter , enter . Crites . And I remember too , Mr. Bays , what I thought of , when the Indulgence first came out ; I thought of the Trojan Horse , and the Questions that King Priam ask'd about it . Quo molem hanc immanis equi Statuere ? quis autor ? Quid ve petunt ? Quae religio ? Aut Quae machina belli ? But to satisfie you that these were my Sentiments at that time , I 'le shew you Laccoon's Speech in the Second AEneid , wherein he diswades the Trojans , from letting in the Wooden Horse , imitated , and suited to that occasion . You dull Dissenters , what vain folly blinds Your senses thus , and captivates your minds ? Think you , this proffer'd liberty is free From Tricks , and Snares , and Papal Treachery ? Think you , 't was meant according to the Letter ? Oh! that such Plodding-Heads should know the Pope no better . Trust me , this kindness either was design'd To encrease our Quarrels , and our weakness find . Or else , the Breach was open'd at a venture , That at one hole both Cowl and Cloak might enter . Pray Heav'n , there be no farther mischief meant , But I 'm afraid there 's Roman Opium in 't . Bays . What , was there any Roman Opium in the Trojan Horse ! That I never read of in any Commentator before . Crites . No , Mr. Bays , we are talking all this while of the late Toleration . Be 't what it will , the gilded Pill suspect , And with a smiling scorn your proffer'd fate reject . A Papist , tho ungiving , means you evil , But when he scatters Gifts and Mercies , he 's the Devil . You may see , Mr. Bays , what was my opinion of the matter even at that time , and I perswade my self the Dissenters thought no better of it , tho it must be confessed , they offer'd as much fulsome Incense to the unfortunate King for this gift , as was ever offer'd in the days of yore to Nero , or Domitian . Come , Little Bays , I perceive by your smiling , you have got some pleasant conceit or other within you . Now prithee what was thy opinion of the Indulgence . Bays . Because we are all of us in a merry humour now , I 'le tell you . If ever you had the curiosity to read over the Church-history of Scotland , you know there happen'd a famous Dispute there whether the Lords-prayer might be said to any of the Saints , and how it was resolved . Now those very distinctions which were used to qualifie the Lord's-prayer for the use of the Saints , will serve for this business of the Toleration . It was meant then Formaliter , to our party , to the other Herd of Dissenters materialiter . Ultimate to us , non ultimate to them ; principaliter to us , minus principaliter to them ; to us primario , to them secundario ; capiendo stricte to us , capiendo large to them . In short , as the Schoolmen use to distinguish in the case of Image-worship , it was meant Terminative to us the Prototypes , but only relative to the Dissenters , our Images . Eugen. Why this was honestly done , Mr. Bays , to explain your meaning . And truly now I think on 't , we ought to thank Lovis le Grard for the different conduct which he took at home , or else , for as much as I know , the trick had succeeded . The two Kings , I don't question , were endeavouring to propagate their Religion , but they used different methods , and so between 'em they acted the story of Penelope , what the one did in the day , the other undid in the night . After all , Mr. Bays , to shut our hands of this Religious Discourse , Popery in England is like Sysiphus's Stone , the Fathers of the Society , may perhaps rowl it up to the top of the Hill , but then it will tumble down of its own accord , and help to break the bones of those that rowl'd it up . Crites . Well , Mr. Bays , I find our Conference here is likely to meet with no better success , than other conferences of the like nature ; where after a great deal of pother and noise , to no purpose at all , both Parties continue as stiff and unrelenting as at the first , and keep their old stations . — So if you please we 'l turn the Tables , and discourse of something else that will be more agreeable , and edifying . Bays . With all my heart , Mr. Crites , propose what you will. Crites . Why , I have often considered with my self , how ticklish a thing it is for a man that has acquir'd a vast stock of Reputation , as you have done , Mr. Bays , to keep it long in his hands ; the World , you know , is so very peevish and ill-natur'd , that — Bays . And what of all that , Sir ? Crites . That in my opinion , 't is as difficult for any person to maintain his Reputation still about him , as for a very pretty Lady , with a very pretty Fortune , in this lewd and wicked Town , to keep her Maiden-head till fifteen . Now 't is otherwise with you , honest Mr. Bays , for though you have lived a considerable time amongst us here , yet you don't decline at all in your Authority ; I mean as a Poet , not as a Casuist . I' faith , dear friend of mine , we must still acknowledge thee the only Oracle for Wit and Poetry about the City . Bays . Thank you for that , Sir. Why , the business , in short , is thus — if the Spirit of Poetry fails me , I betake my self to Prose , and if that does not succeed , to Poetry again . If things of my own inventing cloy the World , then Translating comes in play ; if Translating proves wearisome , why then I invent some new business of my own , and the work 's done . If honest Bawdry and Mirth wont take , then a little touch of Religion , or Politicks , or Controversie , makes me amends ; and if these don't relish ( as the Devil take them they seldom do ) then commend me to a fine stroke or two of Bawdry , to quicken the appetite of the Age. If Comedy brings me in no profit , why then Tragedy look to thy self ; and so on Vice Versa to the end of the chapter . Crites . Very pretty this upon my word , Mr. Bays . Bays . Thus you see , Gentlemen , that Mr. Bays the Divine keeps Mr. Bays the Poet , and Mr. Bays the Translator keeps Mr. Bays the Author , and Mr. Bays the Play-wright keeps the Divine , and Author , and Translator altogether , I'gad . I must confess , I have some other Arcana's , which I cou'd communicate to you , that are very delicate and surprizing , but I must beg your pardon , Gentlemen — Crites . Nay no excuses will serve your turn Mr. Bays , impart 'em you must before you stir , that 's certain . I 'le promise for my self and my friend here , that wee 'l keep 'em as secret , as a young Country Gentleman keeps his City-Clap from his pious Grandmother , and Mistress . Eugenius . Or a Cheapside Wife keeps the last favours she received at a Court-Masquerade , or the Spring Garden , from her jealous Husband . Bays . Ay , ay , or a Poet keeps the handsome Chastisement he receiv'd for his last Lampoon , from the pretty Goddess that he daily Courts in Madrigal , and Sonnet . Well I believe you Gentlemen , and because I know you both to be persons of honour and all that , I 'le acquaint you with the other mysteries of my Government , tho they are things of extraordinary value , and I may safely say there 's ne're a Prince in Christendom that walks more by the Ragioni di Stato , by the refined rules of policy , than my self . They talk how the Venetians have all along preserv'd their Republic , by observing the rules of a certain Manuscript they have of Tullies , about the Administration of a Common-wealth , but I am sure 't is all meer insipid stuff , to what I am going to relate — Crites . Prithee dear Rogue proceed then . Bays . Sometimes Mr. Crites , when I find the young Critics of the Town for want of other employment , begin to make busie with any of my own works at home , what do I to dissipate all these ill humours , but immediately proclaim a Miscellany Crusade , that is , do you observe me Gentlemen , I encourage all the forward Beaux of the Nation , to take a voyage as far as Greece or Italy , to retreive some Captive province of Poetry out of the hands of Infidel-Invaders , where besides the reputation which a person certainly gets , by being the leading Card of all the Company , that list themselves for such an adventure , I am sure of carrying away all the profit of the undertaking to my self . Eugenius . Why , who would have taken thee for such a Politician , Mr. Bays ? Bays . That was none of my fault Sir. Sometimes when I find my revenue kept back , which the magnificence of former Kings thought fit to bestow upon my place , I send a consecrated Rose , that is a great of very fulsome flattery I gad , to some great man or other about the Court , to procure my Apollo's pence , my ancient income for me : Or if this method fails , I take the next opportunity I have , to expose those People in a Preface * Who have the liberality of Kings in their disposing , and who , dishonouring the bounty of their master , suffer such to be in necessity , who endeavour at least to please him . Crites . You 'l scarce have any occasion now , Mr. Bays , to solicit for your Apollo's pence again , since Mr. Shadwell has got both them , and your Lawrel from you . But pray proceed . Bays . Sometimes for an extraordinary consideration , I give leave to some noble Baronet to father one of my Plays , and afterwards when I have serv'd my turn , and got all I can out of him , I make bold to take the Brat home again , as I did my Indian Queen . Eugen. I 'le swear , Mr. Bays , thou art the pleasantest fellow in the Universe , I cou'd dye with laughing at these conceits ; but have you any more of ' em ? Bays . Any more of ' em ? why I am an inexhaustible fountain ; as suppose or instance , a Play meets with the general approbation of the World , and the Ladies clap it , and the men they admire it , and so forth , why what do I , that I may seem better-sighted in these matters then the rest of mankind , but put the Play in the Poetic Inquisition , and quarrel with the Author up to the Elbows , I gad , for introducing innovations upon the Theatre , such as making his Ghosts , and Angels in the Clouds , speak better sense , than can be expected from persons of their condition , or else for not equipping his Scene with men enough , and divesting the Stage of that necessary grandeur and ceremony , which is requisite to support it — Eugenius . Better and better , upon my word Mr. Bays . Bays . At other times when a Play has happen'd to be damned at the Theatre , to see how the Quick-Silver varies in this Weather-glass of mine , I presently take up the Cudgels for the Author ( not that I am any more concerned at his or any other bodies miscarriage , than one of your City Protestants wou'd be , if the French King should think fit in his Royal Wisdom to hang or drown himself ) but only to magnifie my own Talent , and pretend to better judgment in these affairs than any body besides . You see Gentlemen , I am Athanasius contra mundum , even according to the letter , I vow to gad I am . Crites . Or Ishmael rather , Mr. Bays , if you are for going according to the Letter , remember Rose-Alley-lane else , but prithee go on . Bays . When any of my own Comedies has failed ( as the Lord knows too many of 'em have done ) I frankly and freely own my self to be of a Saturnine Complexion , and very honestly I gad acknowledge , lest some one else should do it for me , that several of my own profession have out-done me at Comedy ; But then as for Tragedy , do ye mind me , I own , and I maintain , and solemnly declare , that it is my own proper paternal inheritance , that no man breathing performs that way well but my self , and that I wou'd sooner part with my right hand , than relinguish my pretensions to it . Now on the other hand — Eugenius . Nay now the Devil take thee on the other hand , for a cunning Rogue as thou art — Bays . If I chance once in my Life-time to have a lucky hit at the Comic strain , as in my Spanish Fryer , why then I gad I am of another opinion , and he 's to be sure a Son of a Whore , and a Block-head , and all that , for his pains , who has the hardiness to deny the gayety of my temper , or the agreeableness of my Conversation . Crites . I profess Mr. Bays the things that you have communicated here are extreamly curious . Well I find Matchiavel can't come nigh you for all his politics — Bays . No I gad , thank my Maker for 't . Why did you never hear that I have been courted to be Secretary to the Congregation de propaganda Fide at Rome ? Crites . Not I , I'faith little Bays . Bays . Not you I'faith ? Why then I'faith Mr. Crites you have heard nothing at all , and to be plain with you Gentlemen , I had certainly accepted the offer , if it had not been for the sake of some pretty Female rogues here in Covent-Garden that cou'd not live without me . Crites . Well , thou hast bowels and compassion I see with thy policy , which few of the Sir Pols have — But pray Sir pursue your discourse . Bays . Sometimes Gentlemen when the living Poets are too many for me , I betake my self to the protection of the Dead ; talk of Old Decrees , and Ancient Constitutions , and pretend that all those passages which are imputed to me for faults , are to be found in venerable Antiquity , as in the case of Almanzor , who , as I affirm'd , was a Gentleman as well bred and born , and of as peaceable and civil a deportment as Homer's Achilles . But if the Scene chances to be alter'd , and some prying Hereticks in Poetry give out that the Ancients are of their opinion , and that I have misunderstood , mispresented 'em , and all that , have made false quotations , and worse deductions , I presently fall foul upon the Old writers , and positively maintain that there 's scarce one of 'em in a hundred who was master of a refined Genius ; and that it is the unquestionable prerogative of Mr. Bays , as he is Apollo's high Pontiff , to reverse former orders , and substitute what new Articles in Poetry he thinks convenient . Eugenius . No question on 't Mr. Bays . But have you any thing else behind ? Bays . Ay Sir , I have a certain profound stratagem still behind , my Sacra Anchora I call it , which is only to be made use of upon extraordinary occasions , and which I was never forced to employ but once in my time , and is as follows . When any young Author has been so fortunate in his first undertaking , as to win himself the applause of all the World , so that 't is impossible for one to ruin his reputation , without running the hazard of having his Throat cut by all sort of company , I am as forward as the best of 'em all to commend his ingenuity , to extol his parts , and promise him a Copy of Verses before his Book , if he honours the World with a second Edition . Crites . Very good . Bays . At the same time I privately feel his Pulse , and examine the nature , and inclination of the Beast . If he chances to be a little Saturnine like my self , I set him upon a gay undertaking , where 't is the Devil and all of ill luck if he does not Ship-wrack all his former credit . But if he proves a man of a brisk and jolly temper , I perswade him of all loves to make an experiment of his abilities upon some serious solemn subject , tell him if he ever expects to be saved he must out of hand do justice to the Psalms and Canticles , which work he 's as uncapable to manage I gad , as little David was to fight in Sauls Armour . Thus Gentlemen by engaging the Author in a Province , where he has not stock enough to carry on the Plantation , I never fail one way or other to compass my designs , and at long run to defeat my competitor . Crites . Why Mr. Bays , this is like enjoyning a Painter , that has a good fancy at drawing of Saracens Heads , and Grotesque Figures only , to draw you a Venus or an Adonis , where he must certainly miscarry . Now I am apt to fancy you trepann'd the honest Translator of Lucretius with this profound piece of policy , come confess the truth man. Did you not ? Bays . You cou'd not have guess'd better Mr. Crites , if you had div'd into my Diaphragma for the secret . It was not in my power you must know either to suppress the work , or to discommend it , because , to give the Gentleman his due , it was performed beyond all expectation , and what was a mighty matter , it suited as pat as might be with the Philosophy of the Town that was then in fashion . Now to undermine and ruin him to all intents and purposes I took these measures . I flatter , hugg , and caress him like an Achitophel as I was , after the strangest manner imaginable , profest all the respects and friendship in the world for him ; tell him , that providence had certainly reserv'd him for working Miracles in Poetry ; and that I had some ancient prophecies by me at home , which declared him to be the very person that was to deliver the immortal writers of former ages out of that Algerin captivity they had so long labour'd under — Crites . Well for dawbing and wheedling I 'le let thee loose to any Poet in Christendom . Bays . That if by his mighty Feat he cou'd form those Irish Atoms of Lucretius into so regular , and well disciplin'd an Army , cou'd raise such harmony out of a dull unmusical Philosopher , how glorious and exalted wou'd his attempts be upon Horace ; or what might we not expect from so advantageous , so promising an undertaking . And so Gentlemen with the help of a little incense and flattery , I so cajol'd this AEsops Crow , that he presently dropt his Epicurean Cheese out of his Mouth , to sing one of his unmusical ill-turn'd Odes of Horace . I perswaded this Welch Courser to leave his ragged unaccessible precipices , where there was no coming after him , to try his strength and feet upon good plain Carpet ground , where an English Vinegar-horse I knew wou'd easily distance him . Crites . To deal plainly with thee little Bays , if I were in this injur'd Gentleman's case I should see thee hanged before I could forgive thee . Bays . But the best jest is still untold . To remove all manner of suspicion from him , and let him see I dealt sincerely , and above board , I gave him my paternal Benediction with this advice , Quit not for public toyls a College-life , Nor take that kind of settlement , a Wife . The drift of my meaning in disswading him from the Town , and advising him to continue still in the University , was to keep him at as great a distance as I cou'd , lest he should set up for himself here in the City , and spoil my own Trade ; and I never car'd what encouragement he found at Avignon , as long as I was the chief man at Rome ; for let me tell you by the by , Parnassus tho they say it has two tops , yet I am confident it will but just maintain one Monarch , or one incumbent at a time . In disswading him from Matrimony , I pretended to have a great concern for the young Man's welfare , and cunningly insinuated , that it was not convenient for the health of his body to be drain'd and suck'd by two insatiable Leeches at a time , a Muse , and a Wife . Eugen. Faith Mr. Bays , you took the right course in assming the character of a friend upon this occasion , for had you used him severely , perhaps the World might have been enclin'd to show him the greater kindness ; as they say for a Man to cry down his Wife , is the infallible way to procure her a kind keeper ; and we have seen plainly enough , that the late immortal sufferers at Oxford fared the better , for being so cruelly treated by the Ecclesiastical Commissioners . Bays . That rule of yours Mr. Eugenius does not always hold , for I have used a noble Poet of the other University with all the ill-nature and rigour in the World , yet he never had the good fortune yet to meet one single defender to espouse his quarrel : 'T is Mr. Cleveland I am now discoursing of . You know Gentlemen how I have treated him in my Essay upon Dramatic Poetry , a thousand times worse I gad then any of his Presbyterian friends . I lash him there for his tall Hyperbole's , his affected obscurity , his unworthy expressions , and ( wou'd you think it ) for his ill Husbandry in tacking together too much wit : For you must understand I can sometimes quarrel with a man for being guilty of too much wit , as well as for having none at all , and I am certain that in this frugal Age , which is for retrenching all unnecessary expences , one single thought well managed shall go farther then twenty of 'em cou'd formerly before we were taught by the Gold-beaters how to extend a fancy for a furlong or two . In short a Clevelandism and a Catachresis were with me , terms full as conversible as — Crites . Nay never pump for 't man , as Beef and Mustard , Pork and Pease , Hand and Glove , or Brawn and Christmas . Bays . No , no , as Protestantism and opiniarete , Popery and Infallibility , are with me now . Upon King Charles the First 's going in disguise to his trusty Subjects the Scots he has this passage , Heaven that the Minister of thy person owns , Will sue thee for dilapidations . Now how do you think I ridicul'd em ? Why I cou'd never go to my Barber to be shaved for half a dozen years at least but I thus accosted him , and all at poor Mr. Cleveland's charges I gad . Come Iack ( said I ) you must repair the dilapidations of my face for me , for I am damnably afraid lest my maker shou'd endite me upon the first Chapter of Genesis verse the 23 , for letting his Image run to ruin . Crites . Well I see Mr. Bays you can be severe with a vengeance when you please . Thou art a very Zoilus incarnate . Bays . Likewise he having the misfortune , to call that Domestic animal yclep'd a Cock. The Baron Tell-clock of the Night . I cou'd never I gad as I came home from the Tavern meet a Watchman or so , but I presently askd him . " Baron Tell-clock of the Night prithee how goes the time ? Indeed I have of late days , since the happy exchange I made of my Religion , found some compunctions in my Conscience for being so severe and unkind to him , and if he were alive , I am confident I should heartily beg his pardon , and tender him all the acknowledgments I am capable of . Crites . Prithee Mr. Bays how comes this qualm of good nature to seize thee on the sudden . I am afraid all is not well with thee . Come take heart of grace man , and ne're be dejected at the matter . Bays . You can't imagine Mr. Crites , how angry I am with my self for treating the aforesaid Author with so much severity . Time was when no body cou'd have made better sport with him for these following lines than my self . Not the fair Abbess of the Skies , With all her Nunnery of Eyes , Can show me such a beauteous Prize . But now hang me up for a Dog , if I cou'd say one malicious thing of him ; for what serious Catholick must not find himself obliged in point of honour to respect that Gentleman , who has made Abbeys and Nunneries to be , if not Iure Divino , yet at least Iure Coelesti . — Si sic omnia dixisset , he had been without question the finest Poet in Christendom , not excepting Scribonius himself , or another of the Society that rung two and twenty thousand changes upon the eight Bells of the Virgin Maries good qualities . — And now , Gentlemen , to draw towards an end , for I find by my Watch I have staid an hour beyond my time , I here take my last farewel of all the vanities and solemn impertinencies of the world , and for the future devote my self only to piety , and exercises of Religion . Good Life be now my task ; my doubts are done , What more cou'd fright my faith , than three in one ? Crites . A very pious resolution this by my troth , Mr. Bays , for not to mince matters , you stand in need of repentance as much as any person I know of within the Bills of mortality . There 's Libelling , and Blaspheming , and Fornicating , and a Catalogue of Sins longer than a Iewish Pedigree to be still atton'd for . But unless I am mistaken in thee , thou art too much a Poet and a man of the Town to condescend to repent . Bays . Well , Sir , you may say your pleasure of me , I cannot avoid it . But sure you 'l give me leave to tell you , I know my self better than any one else . I have already made a Magdalen of my Muse , and I think I am too old to fear a temptation from any other quarter . Crites . I 'le lay a wager with you however , Mr. Bays , that this blessed Magdalen of yours proves as rank a Recreant , for all her confinement , as ever she was . Come , come , I know we shall see thee upon the Stage e're-long ; thou art too good-natur'd , I know , to renounce the Theatre , and giving thy self the sa●isfaction of obliging the Ladies . Bays . That were a very shrewd temptation , I confess , if I had not for good and all , sacrificed that fame , that darling fame which I formerly prized , to the service of the Catholic Church , and therefore I shall take my leave of you in a peice of Poetry , which I lately writ for my own consolation . 'T is an imitation of one of Horaces Penitential Odes , ( Psalms I was going to call it ) by which you 'l perceive that I am mortified to the world , and have hung my Harp upon the Willows . Eugen. This is an extraordinary favour upon my word , Mr. Bays , and I 'le study how to requite it , for you know what a respect I pay to my Master Horace . Bays . I. 'T is true , while active blood my viens did fire , And vig'rous youth gay thoughts inspire ; ( By your leave , Courteous Reader , be it said ) I could have don 't , as well as most men did . But now I am ( the more 's the pitty , ) The very'st Fumbler in the City . II. There honest Harp , that hast of late So often bore thy sinful Masters fate , Thou a crackt Side , and I a broken Pate : Hang up and peaceful rest enjoy , Hang up , while poor dejected I , Unmusical , unstrung like thee , sit mourning by . Crites . A very sad and melancholy case ifaith . III. And likewise all ye trusty Bars , With whose assistance heretofore , When Love engag'd me in his Wars , I 've batter'd ( Heaven forgive me ) many a door . Bays pulls his Hat off . Lye there till some more able hand , Shall you to your old pious use command . Crites . Very devoutly done , upon honour , Mr. Bays , to pull your Hat off , when you cry'd Heav'n forgive me . Nay , now I have some hopes of thee , Dear Rogue . — What upon thy Marrow-bones ? Why now I see here 's the Devil and all of devotion coming forward . Bays kneels . Let me see , thou art now going to pray for — Eugen. What should a Poet pray for , but a believing Bookseller , and an easie open-handed Lord , a kind Audience , and a confusion to all Critics , store of Claret , and such kind of Blessings ? But pray don't disturb him in his Devotions . IV. But oh kind Phoebus lend a pittying Ear , To thy old Servants humble prayer . Let M-nt-gue , and Br-wn thy anger feel , Lash 'em all o're with Rods of Steel . And when the Scriblers of their smart complain , This 't is , then tell 'em , to profane J-hn Dr-d-n's Hind with an unhallow'd vein . Bays . And now , Gentlemen , your approbation of the business . Eugen. Why I faith , Mr. Bays , your ejaculation ends somewhat of the smartest . They had best have a care that are concerned in it . And now because I made you a promise of requiting your Ode , if you 'l stay a minute or two longer , I 'le show you a Copy of Verses given me lately by a Friend . 'T is called The Fable of the Bat and the Birds , and I am glad for your sake ▪ that I have it now about me . Bays . The Fable of the Bat and the Birds ? A very pretty subject I gad . I love entirely any thing that comes out of AEsops mint , therefore pray let us have it . Eugen. In ancient times ( as grave Historians tell ) 'Twixt Birds , and Beasts a dismal quarrel fell . But whether this from breach of Faith did flow , Or to Religious Iars its birth did owe , Or depredations made , concerns us not to know . Bays . No I gad it does not , I 'le justifie it . Weighty , you may be sure , the cause was thought , That such an universal tumult wrought . Bays . Ay , ay , no question on 't , the Birds and Beasts were wiser than to fall out for nothing . Picqueering parties first began the fray , A sad presage of the ensuing day ; At last the war was solemnly proclaim'd , The hour of fighting set , and both the Leaders nam'd . Bays . I am glad on 't with all my heart , for now I hope to hear of Battel and Murder . The foolish Bat , a bird obscene , and base , The scorn and jest of all the feather'd race ; Or by fantastic fears and scruples led , Or with ambition mov'd , his party fled . Ioyn'd with the Beasts , and eager to engage , With popular harangues urg'd on a feeble rage . Bays . This Bat I warrant you was one of the late Western Deserters . As fortune would , on an ill-fated day , The Beasts drew out their forces in array . The diff'rent Kinds their grudges laid aside , And for the common safety all provide , Ev'n , their old picques , and warm disputes forgot , The Hind and Panther joyn'd upon the spot ; And by one mutual league of friendship held , Prepare for the rough business of the Field . Bays . I gad I commend 'em for 't . If I had been Captain to the Army I had advised the same . When lo ! the Birds in numerous bands appear , And with repeated cryes attacque the rear . Give a fierce charge , and back like Parthians fly , To repossess their Patrimonial Sky : Then straight descending with redoubled might , They spend their fury , and renew the fight . Bays . Nay , there was no fighting with 'em say I , if they us'd that trick . Pale Victory , all trembling , and dismaid , With doubtful wings the purple Scene survey'd . At last , propitious to her feather'd kind , Declar'd her favour , and the Scale inclin'd . Whole Hecatombs the cover'd field possest , And gave their Foes at once a Triumph and a Feast . Their slaughter'd Young , the Rachel-dams deplor'd , And many a Widdow'd Cow mourn'd o're her horned Lord. The Gen'rous Eagle ( so his Stars ordain ) Chases th' affrighted Lyon from the Plain . Their Gen'ral gone , the rest like Lightning fly , A cheap , unfighting Herd , not worth the Victory . And now the Birds with eager haste pursue Through lanes , and devious tracts the scatter'd Crew . Amongst the rest , beset with dangers round , The trembling Bat was in a Cellar found . 'T is pitty , Fame ne're chronicled his Taker , But all Records agree they found him in Long-acre ; Pearcht on a Pole they brought him to the Bar , Where the full House sate talking of the War : Straight at the sight a various noise began , Which through the Spacious Hall , and neighb'ring Lobby ran . Each Member in the public mirth concurr'd , And droll'd upon the poor Apostatizing Bird. First Parrot S-ttle open'd wide his Throat , Next Cuckow Ph-lips , always in a note ; And Peacock Ch-tw-d of the Clergy kind , But his Poetic Feet disgrac'd the Train behind . And Cr-ch and N-rris , Kites of high renown , And Turkey Lee by his large Gizzard known : Nay , to enhance the hardship of his woes , Owl D-rfy clapt his Wings , and hooted in the close . When now their raillery began to spare , ( And faith 't was too too much for one poor Bird to bear . ) The Eagle order'd silence in the Room , And thus aloud pronounc'd the shiv'ring Lubbers doom . Beast of a Bird ! thus to desert thy Friends , And joyn the Common Foe for base ungen'rous ends , What punishment can suit so black a Crime ? Hear then , and stand accurs'd to all succeeding time . From all our Diets be thou first expell'd , Or those in silent Groves , or those on Steeples held . When our gay Tribes in youthful pomp appear , To join in Nuptial Bands , and meet the smiling year . Nay more , to make thee mortifie and grieve , To Buzzard Sh-dw-ll we thy places give . Him we appoint Historian of our State , And Poet Laureat of the Woods create . On t law'd our Realms , and banish'd from the Light , Be thou for ever damn'd to steal abroad by night . Eugen. I hope Mr. Bays , I have now made you amends for your Ode , I don't question but you like it , because it 's writ in your own stile . Will you stay now , and hear the Application of the Fable ? Bays . No I gad , Sir , I thank you heartily ; I am not such a Bat neither as you take me for : What not understand the Fable without the Application ? 'T is plain enough without one , and the Author may chance to hear more from me in a short time . No , Sir , I 'le have none of your Applications , and so Good Night . FINIS . ADVERTISEMENT . The Second Part of Mr. Waller's Poems . Containing , his alteration of the Maids Tragedy , and whatever of his is yet unprinted : Together with some other Poems , Speeches , &c. that were Printed severally , and never put into the First Collection of his Poems . Printed for Tho. Bennet , at the Half-Moon in St. Paul's Church-yard . Notes, typically marginal, from the original text Notes for div A29779-e420 Part 3. Hist. Pap. l. 4. p. 24. Preface to Don Sebastian . Summa Conciliorum . Preface to Don Sebastian . Eckius de Sacrificio , Missel p. 42. Les Origines de la Langue Francoise , p. 8. Saturn . l. 3. c : 9. Notes for div A29779-e3680 * Mrs. Behns Miscell . Printed by Ios. Hindmarsh . * The two Motto's to the Hind and Panther . H. & P. p. 21. p. 22. p. 128. Hist. Pap. p. 357. lib 9. In Euterpe . p. 37. * Preface to Marriage Alamode . In that Verse , Tot tibl sunt dotes , Vergo , quot sidera caelo .